Gorby wants you to read this issue. As if anyone listens to him anymore...oh well, we couldn't THE CHOMICLE find a picture of Boris Y. APRIL FOOL'S DAY, 1492 HA! HA! DURHAM 27706 CIRCULATION: 15.501 NO. 121 Flagrant foul flings Laettner from Final Four By AL MAGUIRE (what the hell, he's been on the months until it began becoming a Blue Devils in Saturday's semi Senior All-American center cover of everything else), was nuisance at practice. final. Kristian "Omigod, I can't believe unavailable for comment. "The damn thing wouldn't stop Davis says he and Laettner he hit that shot" Laettner was The Chomicle did manage to nipping at my ankles and shins," intend to appeal the suspension, suspended from the NCAA Final contact Laettner's roommate, said guard Kenny Blakeknee. but adamantly refuse to get rid Four Tuesday for a flagrant foul. Flyin' Davis, who defended the "Why do you think I keep my socks of their pet. Oops, did I say "foul"? purchase ofthe web-footed crea pulled up so high?" "I realize that without Laettner I meant "fowl." ture. The news of Laettner's suspen in the lineup, our goose is cooked," The suspension was brought, "Our cat, Orea, got lonely, what sion sent Shockwaves across the Davis said. "But some things are not by the NCAA, but by Housing with Christian and me on the college basketball community. moreimportantthanbasketball." Czar Barbara Buschdry, who de road so much," Davis said. "The "Yippee, skippee," hooted Hoo- But the duck may be off the termined that Laettner was keep duck proved to be the perfect com sier coach Bobby (Good)Night. hook. Late word has it that the ing a mallard duck in his Central panion." "Myself, I would've just whipped search commitee in charge of Campus apartment. The duck, also a female, is the boy as punishment, but I sup naming a successor to outgoing "Ducks, das ees vorboden [in named Chips Ahoya. port Buschdry's decision. Now president Hoops Keith Happy Duke housing]," Buschdry said. maybe well only lose by 20 or 30 Brodie has named the bird a lead Laettner, at a shoot for the cover The hoop duo managed to keep points." ing candidate for the post. (See of Modern Anthropolgy magazine their feathered friend quiet for Night's Indiana team faces the related story this page.) Kristian Laettner New president to be named soon Rock star, walk-on basketball player lead field By TOM HARKIN going president Homeboy Keith attendance. A list of potential University Happenin' Brodie, "because • Burt&Ernie "has shown he is Presidents has been released to they're all really nifty. I don't capable of stepping up to new the Chomicle, and the likely can care, really. I'm outta here." responsibilities," the report said. didates include long-thought-dead The trustees also revealed pos Also impressive is his popularity rock star, Elvis Presley. sible strengths and weaknesses with the student body. "We didn't really of each candidate. "We thought it would be neat to consider him seriously • Presley could give have the students chanting "We until Rita-Mae John a spark of renewed want the president," said Trustee son spotted him shop mission to the Depart chair Philip Aauughh. He said lifting a frozen pizza ments of Pharmacol Burt&Ernie will be hard to beat if from Kroger's," said a ogy and Plumbing, he scores during the Final Four. highly placed admin since both fields were • Saddam "would give the Uni istration official who intimately involved in versity international recognition spoke on condition of his reported death. and... further advance the diver anonymity. [But we'll • Vi-tal sity goals put forth in tell you anyway: It was "is already 'A Vision for Duke,' " H. Keith H.] known as according to the re The final list also an avid fan port. His arrival at the includes television loudmouth ofthe University un University would Dick Vi-tal; senior basketball dergraduates," ac likely be part of a walk-on Ron Burt&Ernie, and cording to the report. United Nations plan present Iraqi leader Saddam Vi-tal has announced to remove the dictator Hussein. Former presidential can that ifhe is selected, from power. didate Paul Tsongas was report his first act will be to edly the frontrunner, but removed move Sunday Chapel A late entry into the BIG DAVE his name from consideration to services to Cameron race was the duck So that's Wendy! assume the presidency of the Indoor Stadium. owned by men's bas Speedo swimsuit corporation. Vi-tal also suggested holding ketball players Kristian Laettner She's wondering when her restaurant will move into the "Any of these candidates would basketball games immediatly af and Flyin' Davis. (See related Bryan Center. Maybe next year. be an excellent choice," said out ter the service to further boost story this page.) Coming soon: easier access to condoms ASDU By PHALLIC SYMBOL "Our guess is students have Harlot Industries, makers ofthe pecially in politics, knowing the Condoms on points? not been willing to part with their Duke Card, said this is the first frequency with which they used dissolves That may be the next step the change. Now, since their parents time they've been called upon to the machines could prove very By ABSOLUT MONARCH University takes in making the will be paying, we think things manufacture a reader for a con valuable." Duke Card essential to everyday ASDU burned all its of will im dom machine. "Just imagine if we had had fice furniture last night, life. prove. After "Once again, that information during Willie's symbolically disolving it "Right now the machines make all, the stu Duke has trial down in Palm Beach." self. you use quarters, and if a student dents must called upon us has to decide between quarters know their to stretch to our Many students expressed ex "ASDU had gotten large, for laundry or quarters for con limits," said inefficient, and unwieldy," parents citement about the move. said the first executive as doms, they're going to choose to want them one Harlot offi "You know, this is a great idea," sistant chief president for do their laundry," said Joe Peter to have safe cial. said Bubba, a Lambda Lambda studentaflFairs andyogurt fla Tony, director of Duke Card rip- sex." While Lambda fraternity brother who vor determination in the CI. offs. In antici Auxilary Ser asked thathis last name be with held. "During kegs, quarters are "Democracy is just plain Officials from the University's pation ofin- vices is spon stupid," said Tonya condom supplier, Primo, said they creased soring the idea in high demand. Now that we don't need them for rubbers, we Robespierenson. Hence were excited about the move. "To sales, Primo of condoms on forth, two people will com tell the truth, we've been disap will replace points, the can play twice as many drinking games!" pose all of ASDU. pointed with condom sales in the the curent condom style with a Alumni Office is also very excited "We want a new kind of machines. Had this been an Ivy new Duke condom, Whoopie said. about the idea, Peter said. Candy Smyth, a Trinity fresh student leader," she ex League school, we might have The Duke blue model will feature "With condoms on flex, we will man, said she thought condoms- plained, "a power-hungry understood. But Duke students a picture of a the Blue Devil mas be able to track who uses the ma on-points was a good idea. "I maniac who will stay en supposedly have a real life," said cot, and the last 2.1 centimeters chines," he added. "When some of mean, they're food, right?" tirely out of touch with the Iluv Whoopie, district manager will show a basketball moving our fine alumni graduate and Smyth said she would be student body." for Primo. towards the hoop. make a name for themselves, es switching to food plan "E." PAGE 2 THE CHOMICLE WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1, 1992 World and National Gossipfile Clinton has new admirer in Tammy Faye Chomicle Press By GOSSIP LOVER divine intervention in his quest for the Mary Tyler Moore hair really makes me "Lambs" actress to wed: Best The Chomicle News Service presidency. horny," Clinton said. Actress Oscar winner Jodie Foster Democratic Presidential candidate Bill Spokesmen for Clinton deny Bakker's Clinton admits to have gone to see the has announced plans to marry the Clinton has had his share of problems allegations citing her eye makeup as the television evangelist when he decided to real "Hannibal the Cannibal" be recently. First there was Gennifer Flow reason Bill Clinton would not touch her solicit the help of God. Clinton said that he cause she fell in love with the char ers, then marijuana smoking, and now with a 39 1/2 foot pole. has never met Bakker's former wife. acter while filming "The Silence of Tammy Faye Bakker. "The mascara and the bright blue Clinton's wife Hillary has apparently the Lambs." At the wedding, Foster Bakker reportedly met Clinton when eyeshadow turn me off completely," Clinton gone into seclusion and refuses comment. plans to wear a white dress while he came to her husband's church hoping said. "Now the woman I really want is She was simply too distraught after the Lecter dons a full metal body suit. for a miracle. Clinton decided to enlist Marilyn Quayle. SHE is a woman. That Gennifer Flowers incident to talk to reporters. The wedding will take place on Hal loween night.
Helms and Duke to join: David Duke has asked Jesse Helms to be his running mate in his bid for the 1992 Republican presidential nomi nation. Duke has decided that he should expand his advertising hori zons and include direct racial slurs instead of simply denying his KKK background.
Gorbe tO Durham: Former So viet president Mikhail Gorbachev has taken a position as sanitation director for the city of Durham. He will be given the job of deciding where the new landfill will go.
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By DEAN DEAN ketball games. "We figured the computer After a successful run ofthe Automatic can automatically wake people up at Computer Enrollment System, the Uni 4:30am by calling students in their rooms," versity has decided to eliminate the entire said Liz, the line monitoring gal. student body from the academic process. In addition, professors have been en "We've had so much fun playing around couraged to invest in their own 1-900 phone with this thing, who needs those pesky numbers in order to encourage students to students messing things up?" said Harry take their classes. "I think it's a good idea," D'mik, Lisa and Jennifer's Dad. said J. D. "The Babe" Barber. "It'll give me Not only will ACES regis a chance to beat out the com ter, drop/add, give GPAs, petition with my wit and good ranks and course listings, it looks." will now actually take the Future plans for ACES in classes and receive grades for clude a new virtual reality the students. module which will allow stu The reception of the idea dents to simulate classes from has been positively over their room through the whelming. "Dude, now I can DukeNet computer/phone hang out on the quad with my link. shirt off and impress the "If we can eliminate those THE GOODRICH BLIMP babes all day," said Buck professors and especially those Wild, a member of some fra pesky UWC grad students, Empty ternity (they're all the same things will rim a lot smoother," The Tar Holes haven't been drawing the big crowds of late. Could Dean Smith's in the end anyway). D'mik said, clenching his fist. job be in peril? "This is a great opportu With virtual classrooms, nity for dedicated student leaders," said pizza on points, and the fact that every Ann and Al Retentive, two members of Duke Basketball game is televised (except ASDU's executive committee. "Finally, Clemson, butgo figure),student s will never we'll be able to prove that we can accom have to leave their rooms. "With these What Public Safety doesn't plish something and not just act like the improvements, we should finally be able to political figureheads we are." crush any remaining semblance of student community and interaction on campus," know won't hurt them, will it? In fact, ADSU has wisely decided to let said Dean Sue Wasleveraniceperson, dean ACES take over fine monitoring for bas of student misery. By OFFICER TACKLEBERRY bay-yah" around a kerosene lamp in the Public Safety has established a revised Iron Duke Lot #2. policy for celebration activities after the After ten minutes the campus will be Corrections basketball games this weekend. cleared with whatever force is deemed Public Safety officers brandishing M-16 necessary by Public Safety Director, Ima In Tuesday's Chomicle there were no misquotes, misstatements, misspellings assault rifles will patrol the campus in Dumbass. "We are not excluding the possi or any other mistakes of any kind. The Chomicle regrets the error. cooperation with the North Carolina Na bility of tear gas or fire hoses," Dumbass tional Guard to assure that each and every said. Last night some idiot called our office telling us about some nuclear meltdown student is either sequestered inside Cam behind the Engineering building. But it turned out to be a false alarm. The eron Indoor Stadium or securely locked in Chomicle regrets the airhead. a dormitory during each game. Anyone caught wandering the campus after tipoff In rotisserie baseball last year, Moorari Shah paid $40 to draft Dave Stewart. will be arrested on trespassing and va The Oakland A's pitcher responded with a 5-plus ERA and a 1.5 ratio. Moorari grancy charges. regrets the error. Upon the sounding of the final horn of each game, the doors to the dormitories Kris Olson, who traded away half his team to get Stewart, regrets it even more. and Cameron will be opened and students will be allowed outside for 10 minutes to engage in an organized chanting of "Kum-
" CELLULAR/iDnkt MnixmBity PHARMACOLOGY 150 1992 N.C. INTERNATIONAL PHARMACOLOGY: DRUG ACTIONS AND REACTIONS FESTIVAL • WHY DON'T ALL DRUGS GET INTO THE BRAIN? • WHY ARE SOME RACES SO SENSITIVE TO JAZZ ALCOHOL? OF THREE REGIONS: UMBRIA, DOLO, and THE NETHERLANDS • WHY AREN'T THERE MALE CONTRACEPTIVE APRIL 1 - WEDNESDAY pAPAGAYQ DRUGS? New Orleans Festival (Durham) Downtown Durham Park PASSIONATE MEXICAN CUM • HOW DO MORPHINE AND ASPIRIN ALLEVIATE Duke Jazz Ensemble PAIN? 12 noon -1:00 p.m. WALK TO LUNCH! • WHY ARE THE ELDERLY MORE SENSITIVE TO APRIL 2 - THURSDAY MOST DRUGS? Opening Gala MON.-FRI. 11:30-2:00 Durham Hilton • WHY DO DRUGS KILL TUMOR CELLS WITHOUT Duke Jazz Ensemble/ Dutch Allstars/ MENU INCLUDES: KILLING ALL CELLS? Clifford Adams 7:00 p.m. 383-8033 MEXICAN PIZZA, NACHOS, • WHY DO PLANTS MAKE PSYCHOACTIVE $12 adults/ $8 students & senior citizens SANDWICHES, SALADS, DRUGS? Anotherthyme (Durham) COMBINATION PLATTERS • WHY CANT YOU GET RID OF ALCOHOL BY Paul Jeffrey Quartet "PEEING"? 10:00 p.m. 682-5225 $2.95-$5.95 • WHY IS IT SO DIFFICULT TO DEVELOP ANTI- APRIL 3 - FRIDAY JOIN OUR FREE LUNCH CLUB! AIDS DRUGS? Durham Hilton - Tipton's FOR ANSWERS TO THESE QUESTIONS REGISTER FOR Dutch Allstars ME1ROSPORI 6:00 p.m. 383-8033 PAPAGAYO PHR 150, FALL 1992 501 DOUGLAS ST. X^K_ FOR INFORMATION CALL: TIME: TUES, THURS 10:35 -11:50 The South's Only International ]azz Festival 560-4636 ext. 1133 (919) 286-1910 Erwin Road INSTRUCTOR: DR. ROCHELLE D. SCHWARTZ Associated i~If^ TICKETS AVAILABLE AT TICKETMASTER 919-834-4000 Duke Medical Ctr ®: 684-5181 AND PACE BOX OFFICE 919-684-4444 1 Special thanks lo you ihe sponsors whose generosity made this festival possible: Central Cellular, Ouke University, WNND 103.9 FM, Cablevision of Raleigh/Durham, TWA, Durham Hilton, The Duke Iazz Studies Program, The Dial Corporation, Triangle Beverage, RAigl SEE STUDENT HANDBOOK, VOL. II FOR DETAILS Toyota, The Independent, The City of Durham/Parks and Recreation Department, and the Raleigh Parks and Recreation Department. PAGE 4 THE CHOMICLE WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1, 1992 Artsy-Fartsy
CALENDAR Reviewing art is really hard, you know?
Exhibits By IDA NO ART good and plus they were so thin! So it made women all look really Some Value It's really hard to understand Arts Page art. I mean, you can really feel good, so I don't know why that was The art reviewed here has it, but we don't something when you see art, but sexist. But they weren't wearing know what it is. that doesn't mean you understand many clothes, though. (See the article on this page.) it. I mean, it's really hard to know Anyway, then to findou t if some if art is bad or good. You know, you thing is homophobic, you look at No Value can feel bad when you see it, but all the homosexuals and see if they Any School sometimes that same art can still are good characters or bad charac Newspapers are a prime example. be good. It's really confusing and ters. There was this one guy and I hard. Most people don't know how knew he was supposed to be gay Exchange Value The Real World hard it is. because he wore a lot of pink and Your Duke degree has none in today's job I mean, like the Catalina these bigfeathers andhe had bows market. Arocena exhibit. It was really on his shoes and plus he had really weird, and I didn't know if it was limp wrists and he talked that Monetary Value bad or good. Because, it was sup funny kind of way, you know? Like Reynolds Theater posed to be like paintings and stuff, a really high and poofy kind of $14.92 and other insignificant sums on but the paintings didn't look like way. So I knew he was a homo display. anything. If I couldn't tell what sexual and plus he wasn't a very nice character, so I knew it was Trade-in Value the paintings were of, then how could I tell how to feel? I just felt homophobic. Like that movie that Your Local Used Car Dealer just came out. No Saabs, BMWsor Acuras (sorry, we have blank. You know? I was clueless. a surplus of them). But since it didn't look like any But then there is some art that thing, I had to think about how it I can tell right away is good or bad. True Value was made. I thought that part was Like that "Shock Value" exhibit. I Some Shopping Plaza really ugly, because it was like she was really shocked, so I knew that Nuts, bolts and other various hardware just ripped up these burlap bags it must be good art, because any conveniently at your disposal. Check pa and then put paint on them. So I thing that is really shocking is pers for coupons. thought that art was bad. always really good art. It was re Use Value And then there was that "1492" WAYNE AND GARTH/HURLING ally shocking because there were Any Fraternity Thursday Nights show. It was really weird, and I all these naked people in it, and Kegs revofves around it (you know, other felt really blank there, too. So I She really didn't like "1492." that's really shocking. But you human beings have use value). had to decide if it was good or bad. know what was really weird? There But I didn't know if it was good or bad, So to find out if something is sexist, you were these naked MEN in it. I mean, like, Net Present Value because all the flyers said it was really look at all the women in it and see how naked women aren't that weird, because Public Policy 55 good, but then once I got there I wasn't many clothes they are wearing. These there's like the "Sports Illustrated" swim Articles discounted over 10 years at a rate sure. So I decided to write a PC article women weren't wearing very many clothes suit issue and beer commercials and stuff. of .05 percent. instead. So I said it was sexist and homo at all, so I said it was sexist. But I'm not But in this exhibit with guys with even phobic, because I'm in a theory course and really sure it was, because all the women their, you know, their ding-dongs naked. they always use big words like that and it were really pretty and they had great And that really shocked me. And so it was sounds really cool and like, authoritative. makeup and the hairstylists were really good.
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temporary summer membership available! Lowest prices ever! Limited offer. METROSPORT ATHLETIC CLUB . 286-PLAY WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1, 1992 THE CHOMICLE PAGE 5 Zoom, Schwartz, profigliano: This sucker can really move! By CRASH TEST the cars are too narrow for comfortable Duke Transit has unveiled a new East- sex," he said, "but this can be modified." West express shuttle service. Furthermore, the mountain offers a so The new system will provide a fast- lution to the Durham landfill problem. paced, open air ride from East to West in Space not taken up by the tunnel, expected approximately 90 seconds. to include several million cubic feet, will be Planners have paid special attention to used for the landfill. Some space may house ensuring that the rapid transit system is sym the long-awaited Panhellenic building. pathetic to the architecture of campus drive. Traffic on Campus Drive will be stopped "We've decided on a turn ofthe century when the train crosses intersections. "It's railroad motif," EngN. Thatcould, the chief part of a multi-step plan to drive students architect, said. who drive on campus insane," said Ucant Thatcould eagerly described the special Park, an officer in the traffic division of features of his design. "We decided on Public Safety. "At each intersection, there open-air cars so intoxicated students could will be railroad crossings, and given the hurl outside ofthe cars," he said. speed at which trains will be traveling in The design includes a large, rocky, phal both directions, crossing gates should open lic mountain at the corner of Alexander for 10 seconds every minute." and Campus Drive. Trains will travel Park coordinates the construction ofthe through a tunnel in the mountain, which Durham Freeway, and anticipates massive will showcase an animated monument to traffic blockages on roads crossing Campus University Athletics. Scenes will range Drive. from a life-sized reenactment of the last The trains will rim every three minutes 2.1 seconds ofthe Kentucky-Duke game to during the day, and in the evening, stu a horror chamber, featuring Eric Montross dents will activate the system using their and Bobby Knight whipping small animals. Duke Cards. "Basketball is such a big part of the ASDU passed a resolution supporting school," Thatcould said, "that we felt stu the plan, maybe, sort of, but not really, dents should experience it every day, en citing the card reader system for activat route to and from class." ing the trains late at night. "Like, Public Dean Sue Wokawokawasiolek saw im Safety will know where we are on cam portant benefits in the system. "This could pus," said one representative. "Next thing very well take the novelty out of tunneling, you know, condom dispensers will be on saving us significant amounts of money points, and you'll have no privacy at all." in enforcement and disciplinary action," (See related story, page one.) f she said. Asked about ASDU opposition, an adminis Thatcould said he is considering having tration member said, "ASDU? like we care!" the track go around the traffic circle seven But the proposal has full administration times, backwards, on each trip, to take backing. "I won't have an on-campus roller care of another graduation requirement. coaster sacrificed on the altar of merit He is working on ways to satisfy the sex in scholarships," President H. Keith H. Keith GOOFY AND MICKEY/SAFARI ACTION PHOTOS the gardens stipulation as well. "Currently, H. Keith H. G. F. Z. Q. Brody said. She'll be comin' around the mountain...on the way to West. It can't do laundry or findyo u a date, but it can help you find more time for both.
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MS-DOS formatted disks—allowing you to mm credit towards any Apple System. ; exchange information easily with t ^ fca fctfcfcfcWWtf44 » Here's how: almost any other kind of computer. Call the Duke Computer 4 k. % 4 V k » .4 ,.* Store Trade-Up I, I line at 684-8956 or Also Available: stop by and make an Introducing the Macintosh Classic IL appointment to have your The new COLOR old equipment appraised. Don't Macintosh Classic II miss out-make your appointment NOW!! and trade up to Macintosh!! Duke University Computer Store Bryan Center West Campus • 684-8956 or 684-8957 • Open Mon-Sat 8:30am-5:00pm ©Apple Computer, Inc. Apple, the Apple logo, and the Macintosh are registered trademarks and SuperDrive is a trademark of Apple Computer, Inc. MS-DOS is a registered trademark of Microsoft Corporation. Classic is a registered trademark used under license by Apple Computer, Inc.This ad was created using Macintosh computers. PAGE 6 THE CHOMICLE WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1, 1992 Read this story! Read this story! Landfills are fun!!! By TRASH DAVIS tee chair Ima Hoe, adding "I'd rather dis "When did this landfill thing start any "Shhyeah, right, and monkeys might fly Duke Forest is no longer a potential place ducks than people. Ducks can't vote how?" said Trinityjunior I.M. Stoned. "I out our butts," said Uncle Ralphie landfill site for Orange County. But that in Orange County." really could care less. This place is already Spiderman, Medical Center despot. "No does not mean the county has given up on Other members saw the possibilities for a dump, so I don't see what an official title way, dude." using University property for a new dump. the other sites. would do to change it." The committee also discussed the trans Tuesday night the Orange County Dump "I personally favor the BOG site," said North Campus was added to the list portation costs involved with the new sites. Search Committee voted unanimously to Notin Mybackyard, a committee member. after Norm Greenthumb, dean of the School Since the property under consideration is take all the current possibilities off the list "I think a dump there would be an environ ofthe Outside, reminded the committee it located far away from the current landfill, and replace them with four new sites. mental improvement not to mention the could buy Duke property cheaper on North Hoe suggested using the Duke busing sys The new sites are OC-0, located in Duke better quality of smell a dump would have Campus. tem. Gardens in the drained duck pond, OC- over the smell of incense and stale pizza." "There has been talk of doing away with "It's already unreliable, ineffective and yuck, or the BOG dormitory site, OC-frosh, BOG residents seem rather apathetic those freshman dorms anyhow, so why not expensive," Hoe said. "It's perfect." the North Campus location and OC-huh?, towards the possibility of a landfill in their put [the landfill] there?" Greenthumb the Boyd-Pishko or Wendy's division ofthe dorm. A dorm vote indicated no one was asked. A decision on a final site will be made as Bryan Center. opposed or in favor of the landfill being There may be problems with the Medi soon as the search committee members Duke Gardens is used only for recre located there. Of course, no one showed up cal Center approving a move to North have debated the new sites so many times ation and not experiments, said commit to vote either. Campus. that their tongues dry up and fall out. UWC, ABC, BOG, BBC, 36 DD, PDA, FUBAR, xxx By EARL E. CLASS to help appease (cork) the tantruming grad To protest the administration's deci students. sion to move all University Whining Course "Dean Malcolm Sillys and I will try to sections to the ungodly hour of 8 (Egads, shush the instructors, listen sincerely to 8!) a.m., instructors are vowing to throw a theirjustifiablecomplaints,andthenjuststand collective tantrum on April 1. by our original position anyway like a moose "We feel that the sight of a hundred with its foot caught in a glacier," he said. graduate students kicking and screaming "In my day, we used to teach two classes on the quad in front ofthe Allen Building at the same time at 6 a.m. every day ofthe will send a real wakeup call to the pater week in an unlit classroom . . . and we nalistic administration," said Carrie LIKED it!" Off-White said. Thatweight, an organizer ofthe tantrum. The newly formed Association of Stu "If they are going to treat us like children, dents Striving Hard to Oppose Lots of we are going to remind them how difficult Early Schedules—you figure it out—nev brats can be." ertheless promised to continue weekly tan Richard Off-White, dean of Trinity Col trums until the 8 (dammit, 8!) a.m. rule is lege, promised to make lollipops available scrapped.
4201 University Dr. ALTERNATIVE MOVING SYSTEMS ¥ Parkway Plaza FORMOSA (behind South Square Mall) Chinese & Seafood Restaurant STORAGE AND STORAGE PICK-UP PACKING MATERIAL, LOCAL AND 489-5776 All You Can Eat Chinese Buffet Bakery Mon-Sat 10:30-8:30 OUT-OF-STATE MOVING 22 different dishes Sun 11:30-4 Check These Box & Tape Specials: •Take- out available Wardrobes $7.50 Large Boxes $2.20 •Seafood Specials 'Discount for parties Mirror & Picture Cartons $4.50 China Boxes $3.40 of 20 to 60 people Record & Book Boxes $ .95 Inserts for Dishes & Glasses $3.00 Medium Boxes $1.50 Tape 60 yards $1.00 Salads by the Pound: • 7 Days a Week Chicken, Tuna, Hummus, Tabbouleh, Storage Baba Ghanouj, Bean & Pasta • Lunch Buffet Pick-Up Available Great Deli Sandwiches 11:30-2:30 Different sizes available to suit different needs. West Point 3x5' $14 per mo. 5"xl0' $30 per mo. Whole Quiches and family packs of Soups on the Eno Platters with your choice of three Salads • Dinner Buffet ^xS' $20 per mo. 8'xlO" $40 per mo. 5*x7' $25 per mo. 10'xlO' $50 per mo. Fine Pastries, Cookies & Cakes 5:30-9:00 Alternative Moving Systems Monday-Friday 7-6 Tailgate Lunches and Catering available Saturday 7-5 105 Hood Street. #3 Durham. NC 27701 Sunday call first 5174 Roxboro Rd., Durham 471-0119 Take east Main towards downtown Durham. Take right on downtown loop. Follow signs to Ramseur St. Take V Oidex. -Jbi+tsiex, <%>U>4>H, 1/O**SL <^W J left on Hood. Cream warehouse with red doors on right. 919-682-5688
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CLOSE OUT APRIL Xl3A7m 1Q11 at 730, 5 at 2pfl L CLEARANCE SALE! HH That's right! We give up. Now its your turn to cash in on the: SALE OF THE CENTURYI T The U.S.S.R. is For Sale! F 4 No reasonable offer refused! Own your bit of the Mother- I 4 land Today! SHAKESPEARE'S ROMANCE Wire: "Bargain" Boris Yeltrin, C/O The Kremlin, (While we saw own that) Moscow, Russia CYMBELINE: WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1, 1992 THE CHOMICLE PAGE 7 ONE JUST SCOPIN' CENT A weekly guide to the University's best locations for scouting out members of the opposite sex. SALE Meat of the Week
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What's in a name? Ask Shakespeare. Wait a minute—he's dead. Oh well. By SOME CHRONICLE PERSON In a surprise move yesterday, the Uni versity announced that it would be chang ing the name of every building and organi zation on campus. President Howdy Keith Hi Brodie said in a prepared statement that, due to this year's rash of name changes, such as the Undergraduate Faculty Council of Argu- ers and Sissies' change to the Arguers' and Sissies' Council and the Science Reallyneat Initiative's change to the Science Resort Center, the rest of the University should change also. The first change Brodie announced was that of his own name, from Howdy Keith Hi Brodie to "Dude, I'mouttahere." Allen Building's name will be changed to Dave Building in honor of the prepon derance of guys named Dave on campus as well as to honor trustee Dave "Deluxe" Thomas. The Social Sciences and Sociology-Psy chology Buildings will be renamed "the Hawsfeefer YShVARr HauisTeeler WHSSfCOUPON one next to the [Dave] Building" and "the 15 Ox. Borne Conditioner Or 25 Sq. Ff. Roll one next to the hospital," since that's what IVORY SHAMPOO REYNOLDS WRAP everyone calls them anyway. BUY ONE AT REGULAR PRICE, GET BUY ONE AT REGULAR PRICE, GET The Chapel's new name has not yet been ANOTHEREQapNLY ANOTHEREQB-pNLY decided, I'mouttahere said. Trustees are This Coupon May Not This Coupon May Not reportedly torn between "that big thing on Be Reproduced. Limit Be Reproduced. Limit One Coupon Per Family, One Coupon Per Family, the quad" and "that Gothic place." Per Visit.With Per Visit.With Additional $10 Purchase Additional $10 Purchase Cameron Indoor Stadium and Wallace Offer Expires April 7.1992 Offer Expires April 7.1992 Wade Stadium will reportedly be changed care anyway. I'm outta here," said COUPON • COUPON VALUE I VALUE to "where we win" and "where we don't." I'mouttahere. $1.48 | 78* Campus organizations will also be af 2830 (C) 4510
This Coupon May Not This Coupon May Not Be Reproduced. Limit Be Reproduced. Limit One Coupon Per Family, One Coupon Per Family, ALBERT WONT BE THERE. Per Visit.With Per Visit.With Additional $10 Purchase Additional $10 Purchase Offer Expires April 7, 1992 Offer Expires April 7.1992
COUPON COUPON A BUT YOU CAN BE. VALUE VALUE $1.98 $1.28 (C) (C) NORTH TOPSAIL BEACH 00024 music festival Hairisfeefer WtfAKf I Harnsfeeter V&SiSf 5 Lb. Bag 50 Ct. Bottle HT Caplefs Or FEATURING —^——————— IDAHO POTATOES IBUPROFEN TABLETS Clarence Carter • The Breeze Band • The Band of Oz BUY ONE AT REGULAR PRICE, GET BUY ONE AT REGULAR PRICE, GET North Tower • Dous Clark & the Hot Nuts ANOTHER£QBJ)NLY ANOTHEREQB-ONLY and your MC, The Mad Hatter This Coupon May Not This Coupon May Not Be Reproduced. Limit ^| Be Reproduced. Limit One Coupon Per Family, One Coupon Per Family, April 18, 1992*North Topsail Beach Airport Per Visit.With Per Visit.With Additional $10 Purchase Additional $10 Purchase Advance tickets $17.50, $22.50 at gate Offer Expires April 7,1992 Offer Expires April 7. 1992 COUPON COUPON Call 919-328-4745 or 1-800-359-4745 for more information VALUE VALUE $1.98 $2.98 Tickets are on sale at: (C) (C) Old Heidelberg Village Brewery • 11 5 N. Duke St. • 682-BEER Poindexter Records • 756 Ninth St. • 286-1852 Prices Effective Through April 7, 1992 Prices In This Ad Effective Through Tuesday. April 7,1992. In Our Durham Stores Only. We Reserve The Right To Limit Quantities. None Sold To Dealers. We Gladly Accept Federal Food Stamps. Clutter Super-smart freshman: I know more about everything than anybody else To the editor: above forementioned questions is a big fat, As a freshman at the University I'm "NO!" I believe it is the right of every writing to complain about what I see as a citizen in the United States to say what We love you major complaint at this University, from a they think (it's in the Constitution) so, by freshman's point-of-view. golly, I'm going to say it. You say that my The members of The Chronicle's committee's decision to delay any ac spouting off is "arrogance" from a "mere" editorial board, along with most ev tion—must be viewed as an attempt to Now, I know a lot of you are thinking, freshman. I disagree. Holeheartedly. Just eryone else on campus, recently expe make life more pleasant for those of us "Where does this mere freshman, this aca because my graduation date looks like the rienced a catharsis of sorts. who, attempting to live that stress- demic nightmare who has not even been name of a new Arthur C. Clarke novel On Saturday evening, all of us vowed free life, care about nothing. here a year, get off telling 15,000 members doesn't mean I'm not both better than you ofthe Duke and Durham community (some and an expert on everything. Really. Give to do whatever God deemed necessary And what about our wonderful ad of whom have been here quite a long time!) me a break. I took five A.P. classes in high if only He would guide us to a win. We ministration? Can't forget them, now, how the system should be run? Wherefore school and made at least a three on each of would view the world in a different can we? In our new, clearer view ofthe the arrogance? What gives him the gall to them. Five. That translates into a full light, we said, if only we could get past world, it seems that they made a big think that because he was valedictorian, semester of credit before I even got here, Kentucky. Criticism? It would go by boo boo when they made the UWC yearbook editor and debate champ at his which makes me a sophomore now even the wayside. Harsh words would for change. Mornings are meant to be rinky-dink private and isolated high school though it doesn't say so in the phone book, ever become supportive. If only we slept through. Asking people to wake in upstate Connecticut that he can tell us which Tel-com keeps hanging up on me would win. so early might have made it impos North Carolinians what's what? Is he do about when I call to complain, which really Of course, our prayers were an sible for us to compliment the admin ing his pledge tasks early, being the obnox really really gripes me. ious over-achiever that he is? Does he All I have to say is: get a clue. swered when The Shot went in, and istration, except for one thing: the think that after a semester of UWC he now, it is time for us to make good on card readers at kegs plan. actually knows how to write?" Joe Froshbite our promises. Well, smartypants, the answer to the Engineering 2026 In the spirit of our choice for the In a move of utter brilliance, certain presidency, The Chronicle Editorial administrators devised this plan, ob Board has changed its name to the viously with the intention of destroy Wasn't Laettner's shot after the buzzer? Kinder, Gentler Editorial Board. Presi ing that awful bastion of social life at dent Bush, our grandfatherly leader, the University, kegs. By saving all of To the editor: all these horses and trees. I mean, I'm the is the perfect choice to lead this nation our livers, playing Big Brother and So what if I look like my last name only one who even wants to dress stylishly in the 1990s. In the spirit of his illus finally putting an end to that travesty should be Gambino? Do I know what I'm out here in the sticks. trious predecessor, Ronald "Don't of justice known as underage drink doing or what? Kentucky basketball is Worry, Be Happy" Reagan, Bush's ing, the administration has demon back, regardless of Christian Laettner, By the way, I'm glad we're done. I can't preference for a world of joy devoid of Coach Kor the steaks my players eat every imagine putting Gimel Martinez on Chris strated what most of us only sus night. Webber or Richie Farmer on Jalen Rose— reality can only mean easier times for pected—they really do care about the I mean, let's get real, OK? the populace. Let's face it: reality is We will never be on probation again—at students. least, not before I leave for my next perfect something to avoid at all costs if you What more could anyone ask for? situation. Patrick Ewing and the bright Rick Pitino want to live a stress-free life. Just ask As shocking as these pronounce lights of New York were easy to give up for Not Minneapolis any senior. ments may seem to you, they are even Bringing our new philosophy to life more shocking in our own eyes. For on campus, we can't help but compli years, various groups, students, ad Fraternities: Ahhhhhhhhhhhh.. .see ya! ment the lovely work accomplished by ministrators, quad dogs, have tried to our fearless student governments. force us to conform, to say nice things. To the editor: upperclass people say about the past be ASDU, like any good government, has All we needed was a little incentive. All you alcoholics-in-training, listen up! cause that's what it is—the past. To para done its best to remain invisible. No Thanks a lot, Christian. You've helped I've had it with the ubiquitous drinking phrase one of the great, but most over body wants to know that government us to see the light. I've seen since getting here from Utopia, looked, Americans of our time, Alexander Haig, I am in control here. actually does something, so ASDU's Oh, by the way, good luck next year, uh, I mean, Swarthmore. You people drink so much, you make the Russians look like general inaction—most recently dem Carolina. May Dean Smith coach until onstrated in the BP privatization tee-totallers! And one more thing. This is directed at he's 100. Now listen and listen good! This card those whiny, spoiled graduate students readers at kegs proposal is going to hap complaining about their new starting time: pen. I will know where you go, when you waaaaaaah! On the record go there and what color your underwear is (think I'm kidding? Just try me!). Janet "Drink and Leave'' Dickerson She makes ine feel kinda funny...like when we used to climb the rope in gym class. You freshmen better ignore what those DKE Section Garth Krauss: Young Trustee or Young Dictator? To the editor: believe you appointed me, an arrogant Now that I am on the verge of gradua New Yorker (sorry, that's redundant), to THE CHOMICLE tion I suppose it would be appropriate to be in charge of $600,000? I can't tell you inform the disappointingly naive and ide how many silly little organizations I fabri Ann, Lame-duck (and proud ofit!) alistic student body of this self-righteous cated so I could misappropriate your money Jason Greedwald, Who Said That Editor University that I have taken you all for a for myself. Suckers! H. Ross Perot, General Motors four-year joy ride. Now I've accomplished my attack-and- Jonny Bum, Relaxed Your first mistake was electing me to conquer plan by buying my way into a that bumbling group of idiots which calls Young Trustee position. An you thought I Hannah K., Blonde Matt Stuff-ora, Rotisserie King...NOT! itself ASDU. Student government... Ha! was freelyelected ! Seth Watkins, you were KO, Whipped Michael, Superman Those misguided fools would be better absolutely right—there was nothing fair Confucius, Arts Editor Jennifer G, With Dade suited selling cosmetics to a pack of Pi about that election. Life sucks, don't it? Pggy Krndl, I'd Like to Buy a Vowel Leigh, Blonde Phis. Now as I look down at all you peons at Eric Arsen, Featureless Roseanne Barr, Diet & Fitness Editor I quickly realized I could take over this Duke from my elevated stature, remember Mark Wassamer, Drunk Cliffy, Big school more easily than the SPEs could get one thing: I own you. Steven Heil, or is that Heist? Reva, Humorous, Yet Attractive themselves suspended. My superior talent AD, Who? Jay Epping, Senior Editor and experience as a leader landed me a Seth "David Duke" Krauss New Suesome, Advertising Manager Ala» Welch, Not Linda two-year position as SOC chair. Can you Senior and then some Lizzie Wyatt, Blonde Big Dave, Jeopardy! Stud The lies perverted in this rag were formulated among various ASDU, employee and alumni Letters policy: The Chomicle urges all of its readers to quit sending us letters. committees before being unanimously approved by the Academic Council and the Board of We're honestly sick and tired of reading your winded, self-serving diatribes, and the Trustees. Unsigned editorials are taken from Associated Press wire. Columns, letters and cartoons fact that we even print them at all is one of mankind's great mysteries. are Absolute Truth, while the weather box was entirely made up. Phone numbers: 684-1474, 684-2424, 682-3030, (704) 846-8168, (412) 471-2988, (206) Letters must be engraved and no more than 3 chapters in length. 289-5739, (508) 775-1495, (800) LOAN-YES, and (900) WANT-SEX. The Chomicle will not publish letters from Academic Council members, Carolina Editorial Office (Newsroom): On top, Gennifer Flowers Building; Business Office: Farenough away fans or grad students (even if they don't teach UWC). so they won't bother us; Advertising Office: 53 St. and Madison Ave., New York 10019. The Chomicle reserves the right to edit letters for humor, vagueness and political ©1492 The Chomicle, Box 93.9 Radio Station, South Butner, N.C. 104103. All blights deserved. correctness and to withhold letters based on whether Wesley Crusher has a No part of this publication maybe reproduced in any form without first getting your PIN number from speaking part in the previous night's "Star Trek: The Next Generation." your advisor. Letters should be mailed to Christian Laettner or given in person to Jonny Bum. WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1, 1992 THE CHOMICLE PAGE 9 Wallets, Duke Cards and way too many lyrics: Who cares?
Once again, it's my biweekly column in which I will And from the master of music, Jimmy Buffett: spout trite sayings about life, quote song lyrics, whine • The big zero Why don't we get drunk and screw? about my life and have no point whatsoever. I just bought a waterbed, it's filled up for me and you. My wallet was stolen again the other day. I was so mad! Waldo Taken by themselves, these words mean little. But Why would anyone do that? Everything was gone! All I did accompanied by masterful instrumentation, they form a was leave it lying on top of a big orange sign that said wallet since freshman year. It also sums up my current song that expresses love painfully well. At least, painful "Steal Me" on the East Campus wall. Public Safety said views on love pretty well. to me since I'm not getting any. it's my fault, but it's not. Whoever stole it, please give it I hate the airlines. They always screw me! Like coming back! It had so many sentimental things in it, like my And when I get that feeling, baby, back from Spring Break (this is a really long story and I "Sesame Street Live" ticket stubs and the condom I got in I want sexual healing, know you don't care, but too bad—I have a column and you my freshman orientation packet. Please give it back! Ooo, sexual healing mama. don't), I missed my flight from Durham because my ride Like I've said over and over again in previous columns, Again, same sentiments. didn't know I was on East instead of West. music affects me like nothing else. I explain many parts I only missed it by an hour, but they gave me trouble of my life through song lyrics. First, a few songs that Ooooooo I wanna sexx you upp, about getting the next flight out. I was trying to go to express my feeling about love like nothing else can: Ml night, you make me feel I want it, Chicago, so I took a commuter out to Charlotte (I won't say 0000000 I wanna sexx you upp. which airline, but let's just say DONT fly the friendly Oh me so horny, See a trend here? skies). From Charlotte, they put me on a flight to Pitts Oh oh, so horny, 1 want your sex. burgh, but it was diverted at the last minute to Portland, Oh me so horny, I want your love. Maine. Because of a snowstorm, we landed in Reykjavik, Me love you long time. I want your sex. Iceland instead. From there, we went back to Boston, but This song explains why that condom has been in my I want your... sex. when they found out I was on the plane, they made an emergency landing in Outer Botswana, leaving me there and taking everyone else back to the States. They said they recognized me as a member of their Frequent Corn- plainer Program and the next available flight to Chicago "ICtit would be in December of 1995. And then they said some thing in Swahili that my pocket translator said meant SLICKWILUE CLINTON CAN DO ITALL, "Good riddance." CLWOH MARCH MAU fm^cfpTonemiwm. BAY-BEE/... HIT1UE V", SLAM'N'JAM, So I chartered a camel and forged stream, mountain CPNTON and ocean, and ended up in Chicago just in time to miss RUN W GUN, SHAKE'M' BAKE//... my flight back to Durham. And I lost my Duke Card x CUHTOtJ somewhere along the way. HE'S A p.r.p.'-kmm-vmFtMR, And now, here are some song lyrics that represent my BROVJN BUT HEYL &B SEORSIE BUSH-• views on life. First, a song that represents what is wrong THEkBIN£BlJWPOZrWL HA5 HE with society: secun 'Cause we are living in a material world, GOTTHE HORSESTO REPEATS'.. And I am a material girl. BKK'TO-BPiCKIWlONAL CHAMPS! You know that we are living in a material world, IT'S aUMOWME, W/-BEEB.'/ And I am a material girl. BUSH And now, what is wrong with the family unit: Secret lovers, that's what we are, Trying so hard to hide the way we feel. 'Cause we both belong to someone else, and we can't let go, 'Cause what we feel is oh so real. And finally, what is wrong with my life: / can't get no, satisfaction. I can't get no, girly action. Though I try, and I try, and I try, and I try, I can't get no, satisfaction. So I guess now it's time for my extremely cliched closing. Let's see—bring my wallet back, don't fly next ntjijiumi-immmmammmv time you travel and music can right the wrongs of the world (except my own repression). And have your pets spayed or neutered. Waldo will be editor of The Chomicle next year and has been quoted as saying he's in it for the women. The downfall of society as we know it: introducing Original
Like, wow guys, it's April 1. ONE YEAR SINCE WE extraordinaire. Watch people sport their letters, attempt WON! Let's re-live the glory one more time. You know, I • Wednesday, Wednesday to play basketball at the bubble, and act all goofy over keep seeing freshmen wearing those "I was on the Quad" dear old Chi Phi Alpha. I think the motto shows the depth t-shirts. NO YOU WEREN'T, you stupid morons! Come Original and intellectual commitment we all have for our respec on! You hadn't even gotten in yet. You know, sometimes tive organizations. 'Whatever the letter, greeks do it I can't believe the people we let in here. bench. Meanwhile, I was running around West Campus, better." I just get this warm, fuzzy feeling looking at the Speaking of T-shirts, what's with these "Duke Invita terrified that she had been abducted by Public Safety. I t-shirts—a slut and a stud, bedecked in fake blond and tional" and "Duke and the Final Three" things they're found her placidly sipping a beer, watching the fire. I togas, sipping beer from column-shaped (phallic? Could it selling in the bookstore? Doesn't anyone believe in karma guess she's fitting in. be?) kegs. Now perhaps I'm missing something, but anymore? God gave us a biggie on Saturday, and we're The fun part, though, is listening to drunken juniors wouldn't this t-shirt, the emblem of Greek Week, suggest just begging to get mashed big time against Indiana. and seniors trying to explain the magic of the Gothic that this is all an excuse for sororities and fraternities to Don't ask for abuse—come on, we're not Eric Montross. In Wonderland. There are two camps—the one's who keep unite in a mass toga orgy, all to see who can score the most any case, let it go on record that Original is taking nothing saying, "I'm not usually this drunk (burp) but this is a points? Gotta love the greek system. for granted. Heaven forgive the book store people. special (retch) occasion, like." And then the ones who slap But then, at least the people in greek organizations Meanwhile, what about this Indiana thing? Knight vs. them on the back and say "You gotta come, man, you can support it. Would that ASDU could say the same. All hail K, teacher vs. student, whips vs. wisdom—it should be get this wasted for free every weekend!" the mighty government—so mighty it is dissolving itself. truly special. Unique. Unreal. We better win. BUT WAIT ... AM I IMPLYING THAT YOU CAN You know, I have to admire Tonya and her noble Don't count on having any fun on Saturday night. DRINK ON THIS CAMPUS WHEN YOU ARE henchpeople for having the insight to realize ASDU is the Public safety has put its rent-a-cop heads together to UNDERAGED? THAT THE ALCOHOL POLICY IS NOT laughingstock of the campus. I mean, let's all pass a prevent any excitement on campus. No Domino's, no 100 PERCENT EFFECTIVE? Horrors. God forbid. Bring resolution saying the administration is doing good things. streaking, no clocktower bonfire—in fact, they're barri out the card readers! I mean, that way, more underage GUESS WHAT GUYS—NO ONE CARES! From what I cading the entrance to the quad next to the crosswalk. people will kiss the asses of brothers in a fraternity and understand, this is not a new thing. Supposedly, having people rush through the narrow space get beer from them. And more freshmen women will get to But in case you're not up on University news, burn The is dangerous. So we'll be funneled up and down steps meet drunken sleaze and be carted off to their rooms. Best Chronicle and check out Duke Blue. Did you know (oh through narrower spaces. Rumor has it Public Safety of all, well learn that you can get an education while wow, oh wow, I'd never have guessed) that (ohmygod) we coordinates the construction ofthe Durham freeway in its outwitting a computer in order to get drunk. All for chose a commencement speaker last semester? Yes, for spare time. Can't you tell? $22,000 a year. Unless you're a basketball player, in those of you who missed first semester, it's fast breaking But enough about basketball, because hard on the heels which case you can drink anywhere on campus, land the news in the University's bisemesterly—OK, maybe a of March Madness is April Apoplexy—as in, invasion of woman of your choice, be idolized nationwide and take little less often, maybe biannual yearbook supplement— the p-frosh. I've already met a couple of future Cameron Human Origins, all for the cost of doing your laundry—or magazine. Crazies—in fact, I had one staying with me this weekend. does the Athletic Department cover that too? Original thinks dUb is destroying the true purpose of She practically jumped into the fire with the House D Speaking of formals, it's Greek Week, party Monday, Monday—being funny. PAGE 10 THE CHOMICLE WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1, 1992 Comics
Market Wise/ Rocco Femia THE Daily Crossword byura2Ucker
ALLS- KF/we^ftt^. >~J ACROSS 1 2 3 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 1 Musical closing ' • 5 Footnote abbr. 14 ,s 16 SuPefi.- Ui.T(iA.- Exccuiloi 9 Syzygy 14 Upon 17 " 19 Pou£ 7tf£ Sro. 2>/^e£ 'W 15 Dub 20 H22 23 / 16 Charging " excessive 25^ 26 interest •• " 1HG fit awe J** ///;/ 17 Juliet's downfall 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 MX*)lO£AP°L£Sl Tm~ Ilk if lib C 18 Attempt 19 Yogurt brand 36 37 38 20 Present year 22 Germany 39 41 24 Requests 42 43 44 26 Carbohydrate suffix 45 47 7 27 Show H indignation • 48 •O 150 parous tvf 31 Court paper 33 GM exec. 51 52 53 54 H55 |56 57 58 59 36 Bit player 60 37 False god 61 62 63 38 Chinese river 64 65 66 39 Good part of The Far Side / Gary Larson Doonesbury / Garry Trudeau spring and 67 68 summer ., 42 Youthful suffix ©1992 Tribune Media Services, Inc. 04/01/92 Or would umdef- 43 Edison's creation All Rights Reserved 44 "That's —" Yesterday's Puzzle Solved: 45 Amiable: suff. 8 Labor leader 46 Actor Arkin Eugene — nnn nnnn •they did ••• 47 Tennyson title 9 Bovine? innnnn nnnn nnnn 48 Rep. 10 Grenoble's river CANTER BUR i TALES 49 Kind of dancer 11 Litter's littlest nnn finnan nnnnn 51 To be, or—" 12 Keystone State nnn nnnn 55 The extra day flower rannnn nnrann nnn 60 Noah's stop 13 —in-the-wool nnnn nnn nnnnnn 61 Palo —, Cal. 21 Waterway NO TIT IN G H A M S H RE 63 Ancient Asian 23 WWI soldier 64 Like some floors 25 Rhabditoid nnnnnn nnn nnnn 65 —hearted 27 Lariat nnn nnnnn nnnnn 66 Elvis — Presley 28 Cast out •nnn nnn 67 Stone marker 29 — throat nnnnn nnnnn nnn 68 Iditarod need 30 Ireland 69 Song for one 32 Tepid: comb, form fllrf 33 Field of study DOWN 34 Where Seles nnnn nnn nnnnra 1 Tranquil plays 04/01/92 r 2 Auricular 35 Butcher's ware We Hereof 3 Campus bldg. 37 Theda of the Hove, a 4 Karl — silents 48 Backer 56 Yule H*e Chftt»ae H«v< mice da/. 51407 38 Binary number 50 Frequently 57 Dry: pref. tf 6 African tribe 40 Milkshakes 51 Linus' nemesis 58 New republic words for y« (abbr.) 41 Wealthy man 52 Landed 59 Alien: _ir i / 7 "— Yankee 46 Like some ceilings 53 Verdi opera pref. Doodle..." 47 Coarse surface 54 Diamond cover 62 "Make my —"
THE CHOMICLE
Editorial page editor: Adrian Dollard Sports editor: Adrian Dollard While vacationing in Africa, Pinocchio has his Copy editors: Adrian Dollard longtime wish to be a real boy suddenly and Wire editors: Adrian Dollard unexpectedly granted. Associate photography editor: Adrian Dollard Day photographer: Adrian Dollard Calvin and Hobbes/ Bill Watterson Layout artist: Adrian Dollard Production assistant: Adrian Dollard So a*H&tJ Do Account representatives: Adrian Dollard and some Young Trustee candidates Advertising sales staff: Adrian Dollard and some VI Phfc£ Delta Slgs Creative services staff: Adrian Dollard and some members of the UJB Accounts payable manager: ....Adrian Dollard and some Duke Law students Credit manager: Adrian Dollard and some PiKAs Classified managers: Adrian Dollard Business staff: Adrian Dollard Calendar coordinator: Adrian Dollard I0-2Z WRB23K
Today Choral Vespers. Memorial Chapel of Duke Community Calendar Chapel. 5:15 pm. Eucharist. Wesley office. Chapel Wesley Fellowship. Holy Eucharist. Wesley basement. 5:30 pm. "Challenges Facing African-American Catholic Mass. Duke South Chapel. office. Chapel basement. 5:30 pm. Live Jazz Ensemble. Coffeehouse. 9-11 pm. Women in Ministry" by Yvonne Beasley. 12 noon. Free Vegetarian Dinner. Vegetarian Club. York Chapel. Div. School. 2 pm. , Support Group for Students Challenged by New Orleans Festival with Duke Jazz 130 Bio Sci. BYO plates and silverware if Medical/Physical Conditions, rm 01 Rowers. "Encountering Jewish History" by Yosef Ensemble, downtown Durham Park. 12-1 pm. possible. 5-7 pm. For more info., call 660-1000.4-5:15 pm. Hayim Yerushalmi. Shelton SmithLounge. rm 201. Gray Bldg. 1^:20 pm. Washington Rally Preparation. Workshop Grad/Prof. Student Bible Study. Chapel The Wesley Singers. Chapel Basement for directions, carpool lists, banner Basement Kitchen. 3:30 pm and 7:30 pm 5 pm. "The Underground Religion of the making. 124 Soc Sci. 8 pm. Marranos" by Yosef Hayim Yerushalmi. Safe Haven is open. 126 Few Fed. Lutheran Campus Ministry Worhship 114 Physics Bldg. 8 pm. Duke Democrats meeting, elections, rm Women's Center. 11 pm-7 am. with Holy Eucharist. Duke Chapel 111 Soc Sci. 7 pm. Basement. 9:30 pm. Plainchant Morning Prayer.Duke Memorial Raptures Christian Fellowship Bible Chapei. 8:30 am. The French Club. Ravena's Restaurant. 716 Study. Mary Lou Williams Center. 6:30- Amnesty International Meeting. House G 9th St." Regional elections in France". 8 pm. 7:45 pm. commons room. 9 pm. Campus Blood Drive. Bryan Center. 11:30 am-4:30 pm. Thursday, April 2 Fellowship of Christian Faculty and Plan V eating coop. East Campus Administrators. Chapel Basement Center. 6 pm. "Youth Gymnastics Classes" at NCCU. RCIA. Catholic Student Center. Chapel Kitchen. 9-10 am. Sponsored by Durham Parks and Basement. 7-8;30 pm. Cymbeline. Duke Drama. Sheafer Recreation, registration begins today. Plan V eating coop. Green House. 202 Theater. 7:30 pm. $23. For info, call 560-4204. No Boundaries. Coffeehouse. 9 pm-12 am. Watts. 6:30 pm. WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1, 1992 THE CHOMICLE PAGE 11 Classifieds
Announcements BEADJ OFFICE SPACE Help Wanted Child and Family Programs needs both LIVE OFF CAMPUS WXDU needs DJs for this summer and All Studentgroups that want officespace summer and year round full time child 2-3 Females. 4BR, 3BA, 2 story house care providers for its listing of home VOLUNTEERS! next year. Find out how you can be a DJ in the Bryan Center or East Campus across street from East Campus. 704 at 8p.m. Thursday, April 2 in 226 Allen. Center must fill out an application by ALASKA SUMMER EMPLOYMENT- fish based caregivers available to Duke par N. Buchanan St. Rent- $170-$225 Healthy Volunteers Needed! Males Questions? 684-2957. April 3. Applications are available at the eries. Earn $5,000+/month. Free trans ents. For those seeking care, we have +unilities. Call 286-2328 for more and females, 18-26 y.o., are needed B.C. Info Desk and should be tumde in portation! Room & Board! Over 8,000 daytime and third shift care providers. info. to participate in a study on physiologi POL SCI COURSES to the Union Office. openings. No experience necessary. 684-8687. cal responses to laboratory and every Male or Female. For employment pro Errors in ACES Schedule: PS 187 (Poli 3 Bedroom house for rent. 1/12BA, day tasks. Participants will be reim gram call Student Employment Services tics of the Libido) should be 187S. PS MAJOR SPEAKERS Wanted: Mother's helper for childcare & close to Duke, $575/month. Avail bursed for their time and effort. If at (206)545-4155 ext. 1498. 199B (American Women in Politics) housework. 15-20 hrs/week afternoons, able May, please call 419-0614. interested, call 684-8667 and ask for Join the forum discussion concerning: *. should be African Women in Politics. PS 490-3094. Must commit at leastthrough the ambulatory study (men only)or the How to cope with problems that arise 200C.02 (Messianic Nationalism) Cruise line entry level on-board/landside August. women's study. from a dual-income family situation. Heal Estate Sales should be Nineteenth and Twentieth Thursday, April 2,8p.m., 139Soc-Sci. positions available, year round or sum Century Political Thought. PS 202 (Afri mer. 813-229-5478. Services Offered Heading for EUROPE this summer? can Foreign Political Economy) should DUKE DEMS! Campus Oakes Condos. 311 Swift Jet there anytime for $169 with be American Foreign Political Economy. Ave. "For Sale By Owner"- strolling Don't forget elections on Wednesday SUMMER JOBS- All land/water sports. AIRHITCH! (Reported in Let's Go! & NY This course is open primarily to under TYPING distance to all points on Duke Cam night at 7p.m. in room 111 Soc-Sci! Prestige Childrens' Camps Adirondack Times). AIRHITCH (r). 212-864-2000. graduates. PS 222- Introduction to Sta NEED YOU PAPER, APPLICATION, OR pus- Fully furnished- LR/DR combo- Everyone welcome. Mountains near Lake Placid. Call 1-800- tistical Analysis-OPEN TO UNDERGRADU RESUME TYPED NOW? Accurate and fully equipped kitchen- 2BR- 2 full 786-8373. ATES WITH CONSENT OF INSTRUCTOR. fast. Guaranteed 6-hour turnaround be baths- balcony- W/D. $72,500- call 4 million books..but how many referto PS 293 Federalism HAS BEEN DROPPED. Gallery Talk 5444646. Elvis directly? tween 8:30a.m.-llp.m., Monday-Sun At the Duke Art Museum Friday April 3, Fast Fundraising day. Call Courtesy Unlimited- A profes 4:30p.m. Hear Dr. Jill Meredith speak Program. Fraternities, sororities, student sional typing and editing service. Open HANG OUT Need $ for college? SFAMS locates Fogleman & Williams. Live in luxury. on the new exhibition. The Diaghilev clubs, earn up to $1000 in one week. 24 hours. 688-6676. private sector financial aid for students. Only 1 mile from Duke. Forest Oaks ...at the Women's Center every Ballet Russe. Plus receive a $1000 bonus yourself. Call 919-783-0786. Marshall Yount. Townhouses. Offerpool, beautiful club Wednesday night from 7:00-10:00. And a FREE watch just for calling 1-800- TYPING MADDNESS! Only $.99/page! house, plush landscaping. Interest Alternate weeks between speaker BUNGEE JUMPING PITCHFORKS 932-0528 ext. 65. Rush orders welcome- same day turn rates low. Call 383-3114, Fonville series, possible films, and just hang around. Call now! 490-1455. Morisey. Fogleman & Williams Devel ing out. Students $60 first jump, $30 second. Brown Chattestocks, and Virginia Sil Certified Lifegaurds wanted for summer opments. Hwy 301 N., Dunn, NC. Saturday, 12- houettes at SPRING JAMBO! Baldwin employment. Apply at the Duke Faculty Learn Spanish for vacation or studies. FROSH/SOPHS 8p.m., Sunday l-6p.m. 1-800-522-2442. Auditorium, Friday, April 3, 8p.m. $3/ advance, $4/door. Club or call 684-6672. Spanish instuction for children and Find out how you can be a student adults, individual or groups by native Autos For Sale CORRECTION hosttothe yniversity at the Dukes and WOMEN'S COAUTION teacher. 490-8968. Duchesses info sessions March 31, Dr. Fowlie's DPC 191: DANTE'S Intern- Use your skills at the top video INFERNO (AL) will be offered FALL meeting Thursday, 8:30 p.m. in Women's yearbook company in America. Gain valu $200-$500 WEEKLY 7-8, 136 SocSci, April 1, 8-9, 204D Home repair, remodel. Decks, plumb 1992. For details, see ACES and Center. Let's all be there to discuss able experience. Call Michael Salerno Assemble products at home. Easy! No East Duke. Questions: Stephanie, 684- ing, electrics, carpentry, phones, locks, Course Synopsis Handbook. Info structure and goals! 4934340. selling. You're paid direct. Fully Guar 7498 or Jen, 684-1345. floors, paint. Duke grad. References, also available in 04 Allen. anteed. FREE 24 hour recording re DUKE-IN-BERLIN $40,000/Year! Read 382-7324. veals details. 801-379-2900. Copy right #NC10KDH. SPRINGFEST '92! Fall '92 and Academic year '92/'93 BOOKS and TV scripts. Fill out simple STUDENT DISCOUNT "like/don't like form. EASY! Fun, relax Springfest is coming but we need your applications are due in 121 Allen Build Create N' Image Hair Nails Tanning Sa ing at home, beach, vacations. Guaran CHEAP! FBI/U.S. EVERY help! Interested? Call 684-2911. Ask ing NOW!! lon, 3438 Hillsborough- across from teed paycheck. FREE 24 hour recording SEIZED. '89 Mercedes, $200! '89 for Ken/Kim. Nautilus. Walk-ins welcome 9a.m.-8p.m., (801)379-2925, copyright #NC10KEB. VW, $50! '87 Mercedes, $100! '65 WEDNESDAY HEY DUKE! 3834602. OFFICE SPACE Mustang, $50! Choose from thou Lady Blue is singing with the Williams sands starting at $25. FREE 24 hour is All Studentgroups that want office space All former Vector Reps! Management Spring Streeters Thursday in House G, RESUMES $20 recording reveals details, 801-379- in the Bryan Center or East Campus position open this summer in 10:30 p.m. Beautifully typeset resumes, fast turn 2929, copyright #NC10KJC. DUKE DAY Center must fill out an application by Durham. Call Michael Caldwell, 929- around. Also books, brochures, ads, April 3. Applications are available at the 2558. 2 BIG SCREENS forms—everything! Type-Shop, 714 9th '87 Taurus, 4-door, 5-speed, air, at B.C. Info Desk and should be tumde in The Hideaway has TWO big screens, one Street, 286-9248. FM/cassette, good condition, origi to the Union Office. UPERSTORE inside, one outside, for the Final Four. MCAT and GMAT instuctors needed. nal owner, $3300,490-1735, leave The celebration stars at the Hideaway. Excellent pay. Love of teaching, good Storage message. academic record, and excellent test scores a must. Call David at 493-5000. $1.00 OFF FREEWATER PRODS AMPLE STORAGE. BMW 320i, 1979, 130K, $1800 or best offer. Call Dave at 490-1276. PHOTO ID CARDS Rnal logistical planning for the Chris- $360/UP WEEKLY Save $20 on first month's rent! Many EVERY DISC Harlos-Plays-ln Charlotte Extravaganza. storage units available. Sizes: 5x10 Mailing brochures! Spare/full time. Set with Duke ID and this ad Instant Passport We'll doubtlessly putz around, too. This up to 20x30. Multiple uses. Commer Misc. For Sale own hours! Free details. Send self ad is Big Winny'sfirst meeting as new chair cial units also available! On-site man and dressed, stamped envelope: Publishers We buy and so don't miss! FWO 7:30. agement. Office hours 10a.m.-6p.m., (B)P.O. Box51665, Durham, NC, 27717. Honda Elite motor scooter, used 2 Job Application Monday-Saturday. Gate access 7a.m.- years, 1750 miles. Park next to sell used CD's Photos in Color 929292 9p.m., 7 days/wk. 3 minutes from class, was $1198, now $550 obo, SUMMER HELP Woodcroft. 4608-N Industry Lane, UDI Listen to any Yo, Seniors. CI Slideaway. Thursday, 9- 286-5482. 2/56.60 12. Get there early. You know what NEEDED. Work/Study to fill Office Assis Industrial Park. 544-0101. of our 11 or more $3.00 each happened last time. tant job for Summer Sessions I & II. Must be eligible for work/study. May Schwinn aluminum frame 21 speed 15,000 titles mountain bike, one year old, U-lock, PiPhi! apply for either session I or II, or both. Rooms for Rent Laminating while Call 684-2163 to apply. saddlebag, toe clips, $350o.b.o. 382- you wait DESTINATION UNKNOWN, 9:30, Thurs 2911. Mon.-Sat. 10 am-9pm day, WCBS. Checks due-105 House Live and study in the castle, large room D. Earn $500+ selling Final Four T-shirts. with private bath at Duke Park, pool and GRAD WEEKEND Group of students needed immedi Sun 12-6 LAMINATED priviledges. $250/mo, call 682-4718. Need to sell graduation weekend pack ately. Call 804-733-5114. Don't miss PSYCHOLOGY! age at the Sheraton. Room for 2/3 Brightleaf Square PHOTO ID'S out. 900 West Main Street Come hear Dr. Carson speak on the Apts. for Rent nights. Call 684-0285. Main St. Durham (Across from Brighdwf Sep clinical aspects of abnormal psychology M-niam-5pm5aU-4pm Wednesday at 5:30 in Zener. Refresh Child Care Audio-Video 683-2323 ments will be served. Woodcraft prep IBR/lbath condo for sale rent with option to buy or rent. Call NEEDED: Part/full time Baby-sitter in for details. Caldwell Banker, Mary 493- DENON CD PLAYER Meetings ourhome. Possible exchange with room. 0001. FOR SALE: Denon DCD620, 20-bit 8x 684-6045, 543-0901 days, 493-5846 oversampling, fantastic sound, per EQUESTRIAN CLUB evenings. 2BR Townhome for rent. 1.5 bath. 10 fect condition, must sell, $175o.b.o. Mandatory Meeting: Wednesday, April Minutes to Duke. Sparger Road area- no Call Ned, 382-3259. THE CHRONICLE pets. Available immediately. 477-0020. 1, 10 p.m., 220 SocSci. Sweatshirts, May only (June?) live-in babysitter for 3 Jackets, banquet, regionals, etc. will be children age4 and under. At-home mom, Speakers for sale. Irving Fried Model classifieds information discussed. Call Merri at 684-1615 if you good salary. 682-0077. 2 BR Central AC/heat. Near East Cam with sub-woofer, super-tweeter and get snowed in. It's a sure sign, so be pus. Cail 544-6490. $400/mo. two-way mid range. 848-1100. basic rates there! CHILD CARE $3.50 (per day) for the first 15 words or less. Part-time needed immediately for pre Houses for Rent Tickets For Sale lOt (per day) for each additional word. Social Events schoolers. 12:30-5:30. Tuesdays and Wednesdays, Forest Hills. Transporta 4-5-6 BR Houses, 2-4 blocks from E. Rnal Four Package for sale: 2tickets, 3 or 4 consecutive insertions-10% off. tion needed. Call 489-3966 or 493- Campus, large sunny rooms. hotel, airline. 800-334-7141, ext286, 5 or more consecutive insertions-20% off. April 3rd- Coffeehouse! 4831. SecSyst., Off street parking, large Monday-Friday. 919-673-5261, Mon special features yards, W/D. 489-1989. day-Friday evening, 919-782-8605, Saturday-Sunday. (Combinations accepted.) Beautiful House: Trinity Park, 2 1/2 $1.00 extra per day for All Bold Words. blocks to East. 5/6 spacious bedrooms, FINAL 4 AIR TIX $1.50 extra per day for a Bold Heading DUKE CENTER FOR JUDAIC STUDIES 3 baths, living room with fireplace, din Leave 4/3, 5p.m. to Minnesota. Re (maximum 15 spaces.) is pleased to announce ing room, breakfast room, sun room, turn 4/7,11a.m. $450-Call (919)288- $2.00 extra per day for a Boxed Ad. kitchen. W/D, partially furnished, lots of 5340. THE LUCIUS N. LITTAUER LECTURES light, wood floors. Available June 1st, deadline $1575/month, 4194421. See page 12 • 1 business day prior to publication by 12:00 Noon. Aspects ofthe Sephaidic Experience payment by DR. YOSEF HAYIM YERUSHALMI Prepayment is required. Cash, check or Duke IR accepted. Noted Jewish historian; Author of Freud's Moses: Judaism Terminable and Interminable. Zakhor: Jewish History and Memory, CAMPUS TOURS (We cannot make change for cash payments.) Haggadah and History; Director of the Center for Israel and Jewish Studies at Columbia University. 24-hour drop off location Graduation Special 3rd floor Flowers Building (near Duke Chapel) Lecture: The Underground Religion of the Marranos, Ft. Lauderdale/Bahamas where classifieds forms are available. Wednesday. April 1. 8:00 p.m., 6 days/5 nights includes: 114 Physics Building. or mail to: Roundtrip Cruise Tickets and all Hotel, Chronicle Classifieds Faculty /Graduate Seminar. $175 per person Double Occupancy. BOX 4696 Duke Station, Durham, NC 27706. Encountering Jewish History, Wednesday, April 1, 12:20 p.m.. Graduate Limited availability. Call 684-3476 if you have questions about classifieds. Student's Lounge, 201 Gray Building. No refunds or cancellations after first insertion deadline. Bring lunch: dessert and drinks will be provided. Call 1 -800-942-6720 PAGE 12 THE CHOMICLE WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1, 1992
From page 11 CHI OMEGA DATES If you were at the Valentine's party RNAL FOUR PKG. and took a navy blue Ron Cherenskin Includes 2 tickets for all games and jacket, call Matt 684-1326. hotel for 4 nights. Call Marilyn Adams, (617)237-1575. RNAL 4 PARTY! with the Pitchforks at their SPRING Final Four Tickets for sale. 2 seats. JAMBO concert. Baldwin Auditorium, Lodging possible. Call 612-331-3927. Friday, April 3, 8p.m. $3/advance, $4/door. Wanted to Buy THEY CAN TALK, TOO WANTED TO BUY See the multi-talented Dancing Dev ils speak (not sing) and dance with Duke Football Programs; 1939 Duke Dave tonight at 11 on Cable 13's In vs. USC Rose Bowl, 1942 Duke vs. My Room. Oregon State Rose Bowl. 919-936- 2287, Dewey Dupree. MARK GOLDEN
We pay top dollar for your Final another weekend you go Awaay to Four tickets. 1-800-800-9811. work on your job in Jersey you Saay The Ticket Exchange. I'll be reading my SNEETCHES think ing of BEACHES you better have a nice Daay- Cielo. It's my Final Final Four and Duke said "NOT". Please sell me a ticket! 684- ANNA LORENZO 0744, Jennifer. Thanks for last night. I never real ized using whips and chains could Personals bring so much pleasure. I think the body gel was great too. -Jean- Claude. Let's throw a cotillion, for we've got four million. FINAL FOUR TIX! FROSH/SOPHS NOT! But you can see a free show by Find out how you can be a student Lady Blue and the Williams Spring hosttothe university at the Dukes and Streeters in House G commons Duchesses info sessions March 31, Thursday, 9:30 p.m. Show early to 7-8, 136 SocSci, April 1, 8-9, 204D get a seat! East Duke. Questions: Stephanie, 684- 7498 or Jen, 684-1345. FINAL 4 SEATS 2 Big Screen TVs inside/outside of PAINT WARS the Hideaway. Don't miss the game: Triangle Adventure Games is running Don't miss the celebration. games for groups right now. Call Hal at 383-4489 for details. JORDAN MERANUS What would I have done without my COOL COMICS he-man at the airport? Thanks. Love, Forsale. X-men, Punisher, Longshot, Lee. Rocketeer, Love and Rockets. Over 1200 books. Leave message for Terry A Funny Thing Happened... The at Chronicle at 684-2663. Comic Review is here. Get your free copy at oyer 250 locations. BATTLE OF THE BANDS Come hear Spaceman Spliff and CLASS 0' 92 Urbino's Dog at the Hideaway, April Remember when you used to call 3rd, 10 p.m.-l a.m. Support Chance! the CI the Cambridge Inn? Relive CI kegs Thursday, 9-12. We prom RUHI NO JOKE!! ise more this time. Battle of the Bands is this Friday, 10 Mickey Mouse announced his candidacy for President with running mate Mario Cuomo on Tuesday p.m.-l a.m. at the Hideaway. Don't 92 CUPS miss it! At the CI Thursday night. 9-12.
Program II information meeting PSYCHOLOGY! on Wednesday, April 1,201 Flow "THE DUKE HOUSE" IN Paid Volunteers Needed ers, 4-5 p.m. If designing your Come hear Dr. Carson speak on the own curriculum with the help of clinical aspects of abnormal psy MINNEAPOLIS FOR FINAL FOUR Asthma Study for Children faculty advisors sounds inter chology Wednesday at 5:30 in Ze Beautiful 3 bedroom suburban Minneapolis esting to you, please attend. ner. Refreshments will be served. Attention Parents home, just minutes from Metrodome, is now If your child has asthma, takes daily asthma medica MCATs RONNIE S. available for private tournament rental. Anyone taking the MCATs at UNC? To the greatest SURPRISE PARTY of tions, is between the ages of 4 & 18, he or she may Please call-1 need a ride. 684-7050, all time! Congrats on your Med. Continental breakfasts and shuttle service for qualify for a research study. Melanie. school victory. -The Gang. all games and special events are included. $500-$800 paid incentives if qualified Avoid the crowds, cab fares and hotel hassle; • • • • • •> ••• • call Paul for information at 1-800-779-0140. Individuals 12 or older on daily asthma medication needed for research studies. $300 - $800 paid incentives FALL 1998 for those chosen to participate. • • • • *** *** ••• • Individuals 12 years or older with frequent runny nose REGISTRATION needed for research study. $250 paid incentive if qualified Call Carolina Asthma & Allergies Consultants at OENIED 1-800-273-1002 or 881-0309 between 9 and 5 Students with a Past Due Balance on their Bursar's Office account will be denied registration for Fall 1992. \S'KYOT6] The Office of the Bursar will issue clearance to register the student Poulenc's STABAT MATER when the balance has been settled. and Liszt's VIA CRUCIS For questions regarding your account, please Duke University Chapel Choir and Orchestra Rodney Wynkoop, conducting SPECIAL . call 684-3531 Steak & Chicken for 2 $ 15 95 between 9:00 am 95 Sunday, April 12, 8:00 p.m. (with coupon - usually $14 per person) Sun. - Thurs. 5pm - 6pm and 4:00 pm, Duke Chapel Monday through Sushi Bar Early Bird Special $7.00 • California Roll • Tuna Roll • Crabstick Roll Friday. 59 Tickets on sale at Page Box Office $2 Each Everyday 5pm - 6pm CASH/CHECK ONLY. NO PHONE SALES. 489-2669 • 3644 Chapel Hill Blvd. • Durham YESTERDAY, APRIL 1, 1455 THE CHOMICLE PAGE 13 Spurts ACC coaches caught with swim trunks down in tropics
By WOODY BURNSTEEN laughing all the way to the tiki bar. himself on the sand, Clemson coach Cliff coach Les Robinson, Maryland coach Gary Ifyo u thought Teapot Dome, Watergate, The Chomicle was able to track the Jealous opened up and expressed his Williams, and Wake Forest coach Dave Iran-Contra, and the House Post Office coaches to their secret getaway this time thoughts ofthe scam the coaches had been Odom, darted off in a golf cart when we were deplorable, then hang onto your jock when Florida State's fun-loving president running for the past four years. tried to track the foursome down at the straps. The Chomicle has unearthed of Barnie Sieger complained that baskeball "I was so glad when we worked out this Aruba Winds Golf and Tennis club. The most the scandalous of all scandals involv coach Fat Kennedy was getting laid in arrangement," Jealous said. "I secretly group fled hurling golf balls and clubs and ing the shiftless losing basketball coaches paradise because of a decision he had made. snicker every time Mike's team beats us disappeared into traffic. ofthe Atlantic Coast Conference. The en Kennedy was no where to be found when during the regular season, because I know The scandal is being hailed as March tire unsuccessful lot has been embezzling we diligently tracked the crazy coaches to it helps him get a higher seed, meaning Malfeasance by those in the ACC Commis NCAA tournament revenue garnered by Arub^this years exotic hideaway. he's more likely to advance in the tourna sioners office who are investigating the the Duke basketball team to finance a "Yeah, so what, we lost to Ohio State this ment. Meanwhile we get the money they situation. Commission Gene Corrugated raucous romp in the Carribean every year in the Sweet Sixteen," North Caro make and come down here and check out would answer no calls on the matter, and spring. lina coach Bean Smith comment. "I missed all these babes in thong bikinis. Schwing!" the Chomicle suspects he's involved in the For years many have wondered why no this trip last year because we made it to Virginia coach Jeff Jones, N.C. State debauchery in the sunshine as well. ACC club could equal the Blue Devils' the stinking Final Four. Boy was that tournament performances. Its been deter stupid. I got to recruit players that will mined however, that because ofthe ACC's listen to me when I tell them to choke like policy of dividing NCAA tournament rev the team I had this year. I lost my base tan enue collected by all ACC teams evenly because we had to go to Indianapolis and throughout the conference the unoccupied got pounded by Kansas." coaches have had plenty of funds to use Georgia Tech coach Bobby Crummy re during their free time. While Blue Devil fused to comment on the allegations while coach Mike Krzyzewski's been diligently on the tennis court. trying to win national championships at "Shut up and serve, Bean," he was heard the Final Four and his team's have been to say,"and try not to knock the ball out of collecting cash, Krzyzewski's collegues the court again you dingbat." have been frolicking in the tropics and After a few margaritas while sunning Athletic Director determines NCAA pairings with putter
By BUTTERMY POCKKET the hands of Ohio State after an earlier The mystery of the men's basketball round where he had a high-stakes bet with DENNIS SCOTT/TENNIS SHOT team's miraculous string of five Final Four Michael Jordan. "Where the hell is it. I swear Dean Smith is a horrendous tennis player. I wish he'd appearances has finally been solved. The "Michael puts big money down on the keep the ball in play so I could work on my smashes," says Bobby Cremins. Chomicle has learned that Duke athletic golf course, but he's a fool to bet against me director Tom Margarine's placement on when NCAA tournament pairings on the the NCAA tournament selection commit line," Margarine said. "Ill spank anybody tee has aided the Blue Devils in getting to get my team to the Final Four." KRZYZEWSKI VS. KNIGHT favorable draws. But apparently Marga rine has been able to give his team the best BOBBY KNIGHT draws because he's won several bets on the Head coach: Uh, duh! (Coach of the '80s) golf course in Kansas City during the se Career college coaching record: 682-3030, Last season before he truly loses it ail. lection weekend. Record at Indiana: 1 thrown chair, 1 slammed phone, 1 team pulled off floor during game, 187 "I confess that we did get the top seed in surreal postgame interviews. the East this year because of a putt I made on 16," Margarine said. "It was a sweeter Strengths shot than Laettner's in the Kentucky game. His upper arm. Anyone who can throw chairs halfway across a basketball court and Dick Shutz bet me that I couldn't sink a 30- render press row telephones nearly inoperable, much less crack a whip during a press confer foot uphill put on this quick bent grass ence, has to have a well-developed set of biceps. green. What a dork. I showed him." Spelling his name. The K in Knight is silent, but compared to the Blue Devil coach his Shutz revealed that Margarine was able name is a walk in the park to spell. Harassing the media. Krzyzewski, in his entire career, has had only one memorable to set up the early exits of heavyweights flareup with the media, and that was at a bunch of reporters and editors who have long since Kansas, Arkansas, and Arizona in the graduated but Krzyzewski still won't forgive the paper. Knight, on the other hand, considers brackets this year with a lucky drive on the press conferences his own private one-ring circus where he tames the paper (and television) 12th fairway at Kansas City's Snobbyass tigers. Golf and Tennis Club. "The rep from Kansas bet Tom that he'd Weaknesses slice into the woods and double bogey the Recruiting. In recent years Bobby has been fighting a losing battle to get the country's hole," Shutz said. "That peanut-head sliced top players to wear Hoosier red. I mean, the guy had Erik Montross in his back pocket before worse than I've ever seen but the drive Sphincter Boy embarassed Dean Smith with his presence. Not that Knight would be better off bounced off a tree towards the green. He with an albino 7-footer who has the personality of a stop sign, but in contrast with His Ugliness got a birdie and got to match those teams PAYNE STEWARD/IRON DUCKS there's also Lawrence Funderburke. He's actually a pretty talented player who Knight recruited up with some big competition." but who's now at Ohio State. Hell, not even Larry Bird could deal with Knight—he transferred to Margarine also set up the exodus of Duke's athletic director has used his Indiana State after his freshman year in 1976, and has never regretted it since. North Carolina in the Midwest Region at driver help Duke make the Final Four. Political incorrectness. This is the man who once said that if a woman is getting raped, she should relax and enjoy it. The towel incident last week involving Calbert Cheyney (weren't we supposed to see the last of coaches with towels when Tarkanian quit?) also was either—take your pick—(A) racist, (B) sexist, (C) homophobic or (D) belittling to the the U.S. towel industry. Suffice to say, Knight is not exactly in Stanley Fish's address book.
Appraisal This is a clash between two of the most visible personalities in basketball today: The Killer K's each get on TV nowadays even more often than Hammer. And while Krzyzewski has more three-point shooters and bigger, better centers. Knight has more melted cheese and bigger, better toppings, not to mention a tender, tastier crust. * Indiana has had a much easier road to Minneapolis than Duke. Duke's Jersey Reunion game (against Satan Hell) and Greatest College Basketball Game Ever Played (against Kentucky) were physically and emotionally draining. But Indiana's opponents — UCLA, ElU, LSU, FSU, IOU, ICU, URAQT, YMICNU —- have been falling like dominos. This favors the Hoosiers. In the end it should come down to the battle between Cheyney and Christian Laettner. If Cheyney has to be benched in the first half for foul trouble, it may mean he'll have to deliver in 30 minutes or less. There is no doubt that Laettner will score more often — Duke has been delivering on points for quite a while now. RICK SMEARS/AUTO WEEK Duke should win, but in the end it just doesn't matter oecause everyone knows North Carolina head coach Dean Smith is combining penchant for speeding with Michigan is going all the way. player conditioning. Kevin Salvadori demonstrates the strength of his grip. by Chris Webber PAGE 14 THE CHOMICLE DANIEL SIMPSON DAY, APRIL 1, 1956 Self-aggrandizing bravado masquerading as sports commentary
Let's talk about sex, baby. Let's talk about me, me, me. B'Shevat (Oy! Gevalt!))))). I am soooooo hot. Sexx Davis You see, I have one best friend, me, and I spend 95 I gotta tell ya, there's not a day that I don't get up and percent of my time with me. I don't want anything else. I think about how lucky I am to be this talented and this don't need anything else... All I want to do is be with me, good-looking at the same time. And you should count I didn't have to be a columnist play well with me and do well with me. That's it: me, me yourself fortunate as well, because I grace your miserable and me. pathetic lives with my self-important drivel once a week. and share my immense taient The other five percent of my time is spent watching the and charming wit with the rest Redskins and polishing my candy-apple red pseudo-sports car. (Actually, the engine only gets it up to 50 m.p.h., but of the campus. In fact, if I like most things in my life, it's what's on the outside that weren't so incredibly attrac counts.) Let's see what else I can do to emphasize how cool I am. tive, I wouldn't be sitting at How about call the members ofthe men's basketball team this computer terminal today. b^keir first names, pretending like I know them person ally. G, you dunk pretty good, but for my money, you haven't seen anything until you've seen the Aast Blast. CA, you I mean, I didn't have to be a columnist and share my are the dunk champion ofthe 1991-92 Blue Devils. immense talent and charming wit with the rest of the (Pardon me, but someone just walked by with a full- campus. In fact, if I weren't so incredibly attractive, I length mirror. I'll be back typing in a few seconds ...) wouldn't be sitting at this computer terminal today. Let You know, I never really noticed this before, but my hair me explain. kinda resembles a Brillo pad. No wonder the workers in In an earlier column, I mentioned that I tried out for the the Pits ogle me when I'm handing in my tray. Their not men's basketball team. At that point in my life I was on admiring my bod, their just hoping I'll help them get this false modesty kick and didn't tell you the whole story. leftover chicken jambalaya out ofthe corners of pans. You see, I was one of the final two athletes Coach But hey, what about these marvelous sparkling blue Sheshevski singled out to play one-on-one for one roster eyes. Or one blue and one green. Dammit! Where did that spot. contact lens go? I led Ron Burp 20-13 in a game to 21 when Burp At least I still have my gleaming smile to knock 'em resorted to one ofthe oldest and most dastardly tricks in dead. Except... what is that yellow tint they're develop the book. He got up tight on me and before I realized it, he ing? My oral surgeon promised that extra-strength had pulled down my shorts and stolen the ball. By the Efferdent would remedy that problem. time I fought off the throngs of women that quickly Come to think of it, I'm also rather short, making my gathered, Burp had scored eight consecutive layups and head look totally out of proportion. walked off with the roster spot. OK, OK I'LL ADMIT IT. I'M A SHAM. THE ONLY Fm too sexy for this font, too mxy fa this font. TIME BOBBY HURLEE TALKS TO ME IS WHEN HE GIVES ME INSTRUCTIONS ON HOW MUCH STARCH I mean, I look good. HE WANTS LN HIS JOCK STRAP! I THOUGHT I COULD (You see, my vocabulary isn't that, well, good. When GET BY IN LIFE WITH GOOD LOOKS AND A SMILE ever I want to use a really strong modifier, I just italicize BUT I WAS WRONG... SOOOO WRONG... BOO, HOO JIMMY "BOOGIE WOOGIE MAN" VALIANT/NWA TV CHAMPION words like "good." In fact, I really like using italics. They HOO. look cool.) SexxDavis is a Trinity senior whose ego is now in shards The Chomicle columnist Sexx Davis before his multi- (I also like parenthesis a bunch (most of the time hanging from the trees on Main Quad alongside the toilet million-dolliar image overhaul. (sometimes they are inappropriate (like during Tu paper from Saturday's celebration.
People do Lunch Time is running out - April 15th is the end ofthe line - L * for today is the last day you will be 39. It's obvious you will become a bigger North Carolina foe - but that's not as bad as turning the big Four-0. You're not really old - you're just over the hill (Thomas & Grant) and all you need is another ticket ifiyismcTioti brokers skill. Restaurant and Bar But don't lose heart, enjoy life and play. Your Duke basketball pass is only 60 years away. Open Thursday-Saturday 1 lam-lam All these years you have remained true blue. With all that time away from your law (full menu served all hours) practice, it is amazing no one has sued. Shoppes at Lakewood, Durham 493-7797 You'll never forget your 39th year. It was that Duke-UNLV game that rid you of your Feeling the winter fear. Then on to Kansas to fight for the championship - Duke 72, Kansas 65, we had no question that Duke blahs? would survive. GET READY FOR Don't despair, just say goodbye to 39. At least your Blue Devils will continue to shine. SPRING! The conditions of winter have\n extreme drying Happy Birthday Michael. You deserve only effect on your hair and skin. A reconditioning treatment the best. You're more loyal than all of $2.00 OFF and new cut or style will get the rest! any haircut you hair back in shape and Students & Employees pick up your spirits. Have Love and Kisses wjlh IQ your look as fresh as spring! Blue Devil Wishes
Eliie YESTERDAY, APRIL 1, 1455 THE CHOMICLE PAGE 15 CBS Sports replaces 'Mr. Cash' with senile ex-president
By VINNY V. VITALVANNO Reagan instead." broadcasting major league baseball for the Is it Deja Vu or just a shrewd business Another reason cited by CBS executive competing NBC network until CBS bought decision? CBS Sports made another shock was that Packer was doing too many tele the rights to that too. ing announcement of a major personnel vision endorsements. "Interesting story about when me and move just prior to coverage of the Final "That goober was getting too much dough Ron used to broadcast baseball games," Four. CBS canned basketball anal-yst Willy from Toyota commercials," Weown Every Vinny the Scull, Reagan's former partner "Fuj" Packer this week in order to replace thing, CBS executive producer, said. "He said. "He used to blow the loudest smelli him with former president Ronnie Reagan. est farts in the broadcast booth and it Two season's ago, CBS booted studio made it really hard to concetrated on the host Burnt Mushbruegger just prior to the game. He was getting a little senile though climax of its March Madness coverage of Awesome baby! on the last couple of games we did so I'm the NCAA championship. Mushbruegger Slick Willy Packer's not sure CBS will get much out of him. In was fired because he had developed a any event, hell be better than Al McGuire. strange vocal twitch where he was con no PTP'er like Ronnie Al's really gone off the deep end." stantly slurring out "On CBS" at the end of Reagan who's the CBS originally wanted to use Reagan for every sentence. coach of my innane a fireside chat sports talk show modeled Packer's expulsion has been blamed on a after the morning news show format used diverse number of reason's. all presidents team. by CBS during the Olympics. When it "We got so sick of that whiny Wake became clear that Packer had to go, it Forest grad harping on us in his commen Slick Dick Vitale seemed natural to put the former presi tary that we convinced the network to ruin dent on the top basketball broadcast crew. the plumb-butt," Duke athletic director Reagan was also reportely willing to work Tom Margarine said. "Since we basically was just getting kind of obnoxious to be for peanuts because he was tired of his wife own the Final Four because we've been around. He had these strange delusions of Nancy constantly hounding him around there so much in the last five year's, we got grandure that he was going to become the the house. The former first lady used to them to replace Packer. We wanted to put next Mr. Cash. He used to wander around follow her thickening husband to the fridge former law school grad Ritchie Nixon in the studio in New York saying When Mr. and exclaim "Just say no" everytime he the booth, but CBS' said they wanted to Cash is closed Willy's open'." whipped out the Haagen Daz. Reagan took NOT ONE OF THOSE LAZY CHRONICLE PHOTOGS maintain at least a miniscule modicum of Although many debated the decision to the job to get out of the house. CBS Baskeball black-and-white man Willy dignity in the matter so we let them choose pick up Reagan, he has had experience sweatened the deal with free Jelly Beans. Packer was astonished at the bad news.
Need Ideas and Advice in Planning Pre-registration? THE UNDERGRADUATE HUMAN DEVELOPMENT PROGRAM invites you to a RECEPTION ESPECIALLY FOR FRESHMEN, SOPHOMORES, AND H.D. PROGRAM PARTICIPANTS
GEORGE WILL/THE WASHINGTON POST Senile ex-president Ronnie Reagan began his sports broadcasting career covering THURSDAY, APRIL 2, 1992 baseball for NBC with Vinny the Scull. What an intersting story. 4:30-6:00 p.m. Video Screening Room, Bryan Center Imagine... FREE PAIR OF CONTACT LENSES West Campus Never clean a contact CALL FOR AN APPOINTMENT TODAY The Undergraduate Human Development Program offers a curriculum emphasizing the lens again! complementarity of biological, biomedical, psychological, and social scientific disciplinary Free Trial Pair of contact lenses for perspectives; a research apprenticeship and senior seminar; and advice for curriculum planning. Duke Students and Employees with this ad. The program is an optional certificate program, not a major. WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE Now available at: Complete Eye Care Services RESEARCH APPRENTICESHIP IN HUMAN DEVELOPMENT? Eye Examinations • Contact Lens Examination Dr. J.C. Bazemore • Talk with student program advisers/research apprentices: Jill Golden (sociology), ACUVUE Optometrist Ail Types Contact Lenses • Colored Contact Lenses Mark Laumakis (psychology), Mary Beth Williamson (Program II), and other students (etafilcon A) 918 Broad St. Eyeglass Prescriptions Riled • Emergency Eye currently doing research. (pWrn..!Hnmu ! Durham • 286-2225 Treatment • Optical Boutique • Fast Service • Talk with faculty advisers: Drs. Norman Anderson (psychiatry/psychology: social and OISPOSALENS " SYSTEM 1 block from East Campus health), Carol O. Eckerman (developmental/psychology: experimental), Deborah T. Gold (aging; social psychology), Warren G. "Ted" Hall (neuropsychology), Peter H. Klopfer (zoology), George Maddox (gerontology/sociology) and Robert J. Thompson Science, Technology, Human Values (clinical psychology). Program • Discuss competitive summer Research Awards for Program Participants. INTERESTED IN RELATED COURSES? The core program courses offered Fall, 1992 are • IDC 124 (Psy 124/Soc 124) Human Development, TTH (12:10-1:25), Norman Anderson. ENGINEERING FAILURE ANALYSIS This first program course (especially for sophomores) is typically taught by faculty whose research demonstrates the complementarity of disciplinary knowledge. Limited enrollment; • PSY 159S Biological Psychology of Human Development, Mondays (TBA), Robert Thomp AND ETHICAL RESPONSIBILITY son (medical psychology). This limited enrollment course uses clinical case materials to illustrate normal and pathological development from infancy through old age. Program second level course. By permission. (From the Space Shuttle Challenger to For other courses, see the current Course Synopsis Handbook for recommended program Dow-Corning Mammary Implants) electives. FOR MORE INFORMATION CONTACT: Professor George Maddox, Program Director, Box 2920, DUMC, 684-6118. Professor George Pearsall, Mechanical Engineering and Materials Analysis 7:30 p.m., Thursday, 2 April 1992 203 Teer Engineering Building PAGE 16 THE CHOMICLE WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1, 1992 DIET
Congratulates the BLUE DEVILS For Reaching the Championship Semi-Finals you got the DSJB one IM0 iitto During the Championship Weekend, Diet Pepsi Welcomes You to the
uh I Headquarters Tent nun* (next to the Metrodome) Saturday, April 4 • Opening at 1:00 PM • Featuring:
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The "Uh Huh!" Girls
Giant Screen TV's
Karaoke Contests
Pop-A-Shot B-Ball Games, and the...
"First Annual Diet Pepsi 'Uh Huh!' Limo Long Shot Challenge" Represent your championship school by taking 3pt. shots to win: Tickets to the National College Championships in 1993! The "Uh Huh!" Girls escorting your team in the Diet Pepsi limo to the Slam Dunk/3-Point Challenge on Sunday, April 5 On-site color commentary of your 3-pt. attempts by college basketball's own: Dick Vitale
Sunday, April 5 • Beginning at 2:00 PM DIET presents "The Dick Vitale Sound-Alike Contest" at Spike's Sports Bar (Hyatt Regency Hotel) ffih I