Gorby wants you to read this issue. As if anyone listens to him anymore...oh well, we couldn't THE CHOMICLE find a picture of Boris Y. APRIL FOOL'S DAY, 1492 HA! HA! DURHAM 27706 CIRCULATION: 15.501 NO. 121 Flagrant foul flings Laettner from Final Four By AL MAGUIRE (what the hell, he's been on the months until it began becoming a Blue Devils in Saturday's semi­ Senior All-American center cover of everything else), was nuisance at practice. final. Kristian "Omigod, I can't believe unavailable for comment. "The damn thing wouldn't stop Davis says he and Laettner he hit that shot" Laettner was The Chomicle did manage to nipping at my ankles and shins," intend to appeal the suspension, suspended from the NCAA Final contact Laettner's roommate, said guard Kenny Blakeknee. but adamantly refuse to get rid Four Tuesday for a flagrant foul. Flyin' Davis, who defended the "Why do you think I keep my socks of their pet. Oops, did I say "foul"? purchase ofthe web-footed crea­ pulled up so high?" "I realize that without Laettner I meant "fowl." ture. The news of Laettner's suspen­ in the lineup, our goose is cooked," The suspension was brought, "Our cat, Orea, got lonely, what sion sent Shockwaves across the Davis said. "But some things are not by the NCAA, but by Housing with Christian and me on the college basketball community. moreimportantthanbasketball." Czar Barbara Buschdry, who de­ road so much," Davis said. "The "Yippee, skippee," hooted Hoo- But the duck may be off the termined that Laettner was keep­ duck proved to be the perfect com­ sier coach Bobby (Good)Night. hook. Late word has it that the ing a mallard duck in his Central panion." "Myself, I would've just whipped search commitee in charge of Campus apartment. The duck, also a female, is the boy as punishment, but I sup­ naming a successor to outgoing "Ducks, das ees vorboden [in named Chips Ahoya. port Buschdry's decision. Now president Hoops Keith Happy Duke housing]," Buschdry said. maybe well only lose by 20 or 30 Brodie has named the bird a lead­ Laettner, at a shoot for the cover The hoop duo managed to keep points." ing candidate for the post. (See of Modern Anthropolgy magazine their feathered friend quiet for Night's Indiana team faces the related story this page.) Kristian Laettner New president to be named soon Rock star, walk-on basketball player lead field By TOM HARKIN going president Homeboy Keith attendance. A list of potential University Happenin' Brodie, "because • Burt&Ernie "has shown he is Presidents has been released to they're all really nifty. I don't capable of stepping up to new the Chomicle, and the likely can­ care, really. I'm outta here." responsibilities," the report said. didates include long-thought-dead The trustees also revealed pos­ Also impressive is his popularity rock star, Elvis Presley. sible strengths and weaknesses with the student body. "We didn't really of each candidate. "We thought it would be neat to consider him seriously • Presley could give have the students chanting "We until Rita-Mae John­ a spark of renewed want the president," said Trustee son spotted him shop­ mission to the Depart­ chair Philip Aauughh. He said lifting a frozen pizza ments of Pharmacol­ Burt&Ernie will be hard to beat if from Kroger's," said a ogy and Plumbing, he scores during the Final Four. highly placed admin­ since both fields were • Saddam "would give the Uni­ istration official who intimately involved in versity international recognition spoke on condition of his reported death. and... further advance the diver­ anonymity. [But we'll • Vi-tal sity goals put forth in tell you anyway: It was "is already 'A Vision for Duke,' " H. Keith H.] known as according to the re­ The final list also an avid fan port. His arrival at the includes television loudmouth ofthe University un­ University would Dick Vi-tal; senior basketball dergraduates," ac­ likely be part of a walk-on Ron Burt&Ernie, and cording to the report. United Nations plan present Iraqi leader Saddam Vi-tal has announced to remove the dictator Hussein. Former presidential can­ that ifhe is selected, from power. didate Paul Tsongas was report­ his first act will be to edly the frontrunner, but removed move Sunday Chapel A late entry into the BIG DAVE his name from consideration to services to Cameron race was the duck So that's Wendy! assume the presidency of the Indoor Stadium. owned by men's bas­ Speedo swimsuit corporation. Vi-tal also suggested holding ketball players Kristian Laettner She's wondering when her restaurant will move into the "Any of these candidates would basketball games immediatly af­ and Flyin' Davis. (See related Bryan Center. Maybe next year. be an excellent choice," said out­ ter the service to further boost story this page.) Coming soon: easier access to condoms ASDU By PHALLIC SYMBOL "Our guess is students have Harlot Industries, makers ofthe pecially in politics, knowing the Condoms on points? not been willing to part with their Duke Card, said this is the first frequency with which they used dissolves That may be the next step the change. Now, since their parents time they've been called upon to the machines could prove very By ABSOLUT MONARCH University takes in making the will be paying, we think things manufacture a reader for a con­ valuable." Duke Card essential to everyday ASDU burned all its of­ will im­ dom machine. "Just imagine if we had had fice furniture last night, life. prove. After "Once again, that information during Willie's symbolically disolving it­ "Right now the machines make all, the stu­ Duke has trial down in Palm Beach." self. you use quarters, and if a student dents must called upon us has to decide between quarters know their to stretch to our Many students expressed ex­ "ASDU had gotten large, for laundry or quarters for con­ limits," said inefficient, and unwieldy," parents citement about the move. said the first executive as­ doms, they're going to choose to want them one Harlot offi­ "You know, this is a great idea," sistant chief president for do their laundry," said Joe Peter to have safe cial. said Bubba, a Lambda Lambda studentaflFairs andyogurt fla­ Tony, director of Duke Card rip- sex." While Lambda fraternity brother who vor determination in the CI. offs. In antici­ Auxilary Ser­ asked thathis last name be with­ held. "During kegs, quarters are "Democracy is just plain Officials from the University's pation ofin- vices is spon­ stupid," said Tonya condom supplier, Primo, said they creased soring the idea in high demand. Now that we don't need them for rubbers, we Robespierenson. Hence­ were excited about the move. "To sales, Primo of condoms on forth, two people will com­ tell the truth, we've been disap­ will replace points, the can play twice as many drinking games!" pose all of ASDU. pointed with condom sales in the the curent condom style with a Alumni Office is also very excited "We want a new kind of machines. Had this been an Ivy new Duke condom, Whoopie said. about the idea, Peter said. Candy Smyth, a Trinity fresh­ student leader," she ex­ League school, we might have The Duke blue model will feature "With condoms on flex, we will man, said she thought condoms- plained, "a power-hungry understood. But Duke students a picture of a the Blue Devil mas­ be able to track who uses the ma­ on-points was a good idea. "I maniac who will stay en­ supposedly have a real life," said cot, and the last 2.1 centimeters chines," he added. "When some of mean, they're food, right?" tirely out of touch with the Iluv Whoopie, district manager will show a basketball moving our fine alumni graduate and Smyth said she would be student body." for Primo. towards the hoop. make a name for themselves, es­ switching to food plan "E." PAGE 2 THE CHOMICLE WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1, 1992 World and National Gossipfile Clinton has new admirer in Tammy Faye Chomicle Press By GOSSIP LOVER divine intervention in his quest for the Mary Tyler Moore hair really makes me "Lambs" actress to wed: Best The Chomicle News Service presidency. horny," Clinton said. Actress Oscar winner Jodie Foster Democratic Presidential candidate Bill Spokesmen for Clinton deny Bakker's Clinton admits to have gone to see the has announced plans to marry the Clinton has had his share of problems allegations citing her eye makeup as the television evangelist when he decided to real "Hannibal the Cannibal" be­ recently. First there was Gennifer Flow­ reason Bill Clinton would not touch her solicit the help of God. Clinton said that he cause she fell in love with the char­ ers, then marijuana smoking, and now with a 39 1/2 foot pole. has never met Bakker's former wife. acter while filming "The Silence of Tammy Faye Bakker. "The mascara and the bright blue Clinton's wife Hillary has apparently the Lambs." At the wedding, Foster Bakker reportedly met Clinton when eyeshadow turn me off completely," Clinton gone into seclusion and refuses comment. plans to wear a white dress while he came to her husband's church hoping said. "Now the woman I really want is She was simply too distraught after the Lecter dons a full metal body suit. for a miracle. Clinton decided to enlist Marilyn Quayle. SHE is a woman. That Gennifer Flowers incident to talk to reporters.