THE MAJESTIC FOOL

1 80 minute animated cartoon feature THE MAJESTIC Richard Williams Animation FOOL Productions, 13 Soho Square London W. 1 England Working Draft Script

September 1969 PRE-TITLE (Sequence 1) Editor’s note:Versions of this script were also known as The Amazing Nasruddin, Nasruddin! and The Introduction of characters Golden City before the storyline Fade in. was changed and Nasrudin White screen, with a tiny black dot removed as a character. Later after in the distance. We hear the sound many many changes the film was of footsteps approaching and a tall, called The Thief Who Never Gave bearded figure in a patched many- Up and The Cobbler and the coloured robe walks to the front of Thief, but is of course best known the screen and stops. He opens his as The Thief and the Cobbler. robe, revealing black inside, so that the opening of his robe gives the effect of curtains opening on an enormous black screen. There is a tremendous orchestral chord as he does this, lettering appears, SO AND SO etc... etc... PRESENTS.. We see the following titles of animated characters, appearing as they are introduced in the style of 1940' s Maria Montez-John Hall type of film. We see the characters, vignetted.

2 THE EMPEROR OF PERSIA And co-starring, ANWAR, THE GRAND THUNDERBOLT, THE VIZIER OF PERSIA AND HIS DONKEY VULTURE AND A SUPPORTING CAST THE SYCOPHANTS OF LITERALLY HUNDREDS THE THIEF OF THOUSANDS, PRINCESS NURA AND THE The screen fills and refills with BEAST shots of eunuchs, camels elephants, monkeys, dancing girls, tigers, THE EXPERTS crowds, jugglers, weight-lifters, KERIMA, WIFE OF MULLA court scenes, etc... etc... NASRUDIN AND STARRING THE Guest Artists, INIMITABLE THE WOLVES THE INIMITABLE MULLA ZAPPO THE GREAT NASRUDIN GENERAL IRONPANTS THE INIMITABLE MULLA NASRUDIN HIMSELF NASTURTIUM, THE POET He goes into various John Hall RAMBLING ACHMET film star poses CHIEF BOOZDIL AS THE MAJESTIC FOOL CHIEF BOOZDIL AND THE FORTY BRIGANDS (40 Brigands pop on in forty little halos) THE MAD-HOLY-OLD- INDIAN-WITCH OF BENARES THE GREAT MOGUL, EMPEROR OF INDIA PARATA, THE GRAND VIZIER OF INDIA

3 CREDIT BAZAAR MEHMET: uh ... good morning, TITLES (THE SHOP) nasrudin: (Sequence 2) (Sequence 3) Camera pulls out to show Normal credit titles The octagonal carpet design the idiotic Mortimer Snerd- continue on black screen, animates forward, unfolding like Banana Eater, peeling a possibly with a small star- itself, revealing a Persian banana and looking at like carpet design which miniature bazaar. Nasrudin. develops throughout the Many tiny figures are walking NASRUDIN: credits. around in highly stylized Good Morning, FEATURING THE Persian miniature Mehmet. VOICES OF: convention. Upside down, vertical, some figures (To Various People) bigger than the others, KENNETH Morning... Morning WILLIAMS etc... Nasrudin appears on his ... Nice Day! JOSS ACKLAND donkey, THUNDERBOLT, He ties up his donkey and PAUL WHITSUN- and they enter into the goes into a shop, Cut to market-place. Nasrudin is the interior of the shop, JONES sitting the wrong way The Merchant rubs his DIANA QUICK round on the donkey. hands as Nasrudin enters. Market hubbub - Old, old JOAN SIMS lady, carrying a bunch of NASRUDIN: EDDIE BYRNE bananas with great closing door, difficulty, MUSIC:RON Did you see me come GOODWIN OLD LADY: into your shop? G.. gg..ood m-morn- MERCHANT: Studio and Artists ing nnas ... ru deen credits. Yes . NASRUDIN: NASRUDIN: Good Morning, Have you ever seen Grand-Mother. me before? Poor student, clutching tattered pen, paper and MERCHANT: ink, No.

TAALIB: NASRUDIN: Isn’t it a good leaning on his counter, morning, nasrudin? Then, how do you NASRUDIN: know it is me ? dismounting, He exits. Indeed it is, taalib. dazed MERCHANT: Cut to huge dim-witted BANANA SELLER. Oay? 4 ANWAR, THE like sweepers with brooms, 3RD SYCOPHANT: sweeping the route clear. Selfless and devoted GRAND They are followed by three ... VIZIER apprentice Sycophants, effeminate and lavishly For the rest of the song, we (Sequence 4) dressed, They carry rose- see various views of Anwar the Grand Vizier, parading Cut to Nasrudin outside water holders, which they past. He is walking on two shop amidst normal market sprinkle on the ground. carpets. Each carpet is people. We hear in the They are followed by three attended by four black distance the Town Crier more apprentice robed crow-like men. As screaming. All heads turn. Sycophants, equally effeminate, with baskets full Anwar goes to put his foot TOWN CRIER: of rose petals, which they on the earth, one set of rushing up through the throw into the air. They are crow-like men has to get the crowd towards camera, followed by the main carpet down and unroll it as Make Way! Make Sycophants, six Or seven Anwar’s foot touches it. of them, who sing the Anwar, then, proceeds on Way! Make Way For Sycophants’ Chorus, This this unrolled carpet while the The Grand Vizier! is done like a Gregorian other four crow-like men Make Way For Anwar, chant. have to roll up their The Grand Vizier! O previously unrolled carpet, People! Stand Back! SYCOPHANTS CHORUS: pick it up and run round to The Grand Vizier Is Anwar The Grand the front to get it down just Coming ! Vizier ! as Anwar’s foot is ready to touch the ground. Anwar The Grand 1ST SYCOPHANT: In other words, it is a rotor Vizier Of Persia Is With cold incisive carpet attended by two Coming ! steel-trap mind ... sets of four crow-like men, constantly roIling and Stand Back! Make 2ND SYCOPHANT: Way! unrolling as Anwar makes With razor sharp his way through the intellect ... marketplace. There are four black Ethiopean slaves in He is followed by two 3RD SYCOPHANT: standard harem dress discordant trumpeters. fanning Anwar with ostrich They are followed by four The master planner ... plumes. crow-like men, dressed in SYCOPHANT CHORUS: black, with whips. They are The song continues, lashing the populace, Anwar The Grand SYCOPHANT CHORUS: driving women, children, Vizier! old men and dogs back to Anwar The Grand 1ST SYCOPHANT: make way for the Grand Vizier! Vizier. They are followed by Loyal and steadfast ... 1ST SYCOPHANT: two stone-pickers, dressed 2ND SYCOPHANT: in black, picking up any Pillar of the state... stones in the path. They Servant of the persian are followed by two crow- throne...

5 2ND SYCOPHANT: jewelled hands flail in the air. THIEF FIGHT Upholder of Anwar bursts out of the righteousness... crowd, still skating on the (Sequence 5) banana skin. The banana Cut to Nasrudin in mid- 3RD SYCOPHANT: skin is under his black robe shot, watching Anwar and Cold, calm and and he gains control over his paraphernalia going off, collected... it, slowly but surely, and he In Nasrudin’s pocket are comes to a stop in front of some green beads hanging SYCOPHANTS CHORUS: Nasrudin - nose to nose. out slightly. Two hands Anwar The Grand Cut to the Sycophants, come in and slide the Vizier ! one of whom has a gong - beads out of Nasrudin’s he hits it pocket, as Nasrudin turns 1ST SYCOPHANT: GONGGGGGGGGG: and sees. Sophisticated...

2ND SYCOPHANT: Cut to Nasrudin and the Cut to the Thief, who Of icy penetration ... Grand Vizier, nose to nose, snatches the beads away vibrating in instant dislike. and goes to run, Nasrudin 3RD SYCOPHANT: The Grand Vizier, then, grabs his other hand. They turns, pushes the banana get entangled together as Unemotional to the the Thief always manages end ... towards Nasrudin, turns his back on him, takes one to keep the beads just out Cut to the Banana Eater, at step and the carpet slides of Nasrudin’s grasp. They the edge of the crowd. He under his foot. The song roll over and over in the eats a banana and, continues and the crow-like dust backwards and thoughtlessly, throws the men with the rotor carpet forward, crashing into a skin into the air. march him away. fruitstand, rolling back Cut to Anwar’s foot about across the market-place, to go down on the earth, as people gather round. as, for the first time, the A cloud of dust builds up crow-like men are late with and as it clears we see that the carpet. The banana Nasrudin has got the skin lands exactly where beads back and has the Anwar’s foot touches and - Thief down on the ground. zip - he shoots off at right Nasrudin puts the beads angles to the carpet into back in his own pocket the assembled populace. and - pow: an umbrella hits Nasrudin on the head. LONG CHORUS: as Anwar slides across the courtyard SCHOOLMISTRESS: ANWAR THE Bully: horrid bully: let GRAND VIZIER ! that little man get up We pan through the heads and give him a chance! of the assembled populace, as Anwar’s 6 She jabs Nasrudin in the LUNCH NASRUDIN: ribs with her umbrella and I Am ! I Am ! the Thief slides out from (Sequence 6) Cut to long shot. underneath and hides Cut back to Nasrudin behind her back, making dusting himself down - The TOWNSPEOPLE: faces at Nasrudin. All the crowd ragging him, townspeople join in. Yes ... Yes ... We TOWNSPEOPLE: Know! Blah! Blah! TOWNSPEOPLE: Come on ! Cut to Big Man, beside Bully! Horrid bully! Taalib - wouldn’t give him a Bully! Unfair! chance! Pick on Brute! Pick on BIG MAN: someone your own someone your own Prove It ! size! size! etc ... TOWNSPEOPLE: Hitting a man when Cut to Nasrudin - Townspeople saying, he is down! etc ... Cut to the Student, Taalib, The Schoolmistress walks poking at a Big Man who is PROVE IT! PROVE away, muttering to herself cursing Nasrudin, IT !

SCHOOLMISTRESS: TAALIB: NASRUDIN: I don’t know what this But he was a thief! and to prove it, you are country is coming to! BIG MAN: all invited to my house These sadistic brutes for lunch: should be flogged! Aw ! ... come on ... he did not give him a Crowd gasp - Nasrudin Mutter ... Mutter ... chance! waIks out of the circle - Cut to Taalib, As she walks away, the Cut to Nasrudin, still Thief following behind dusting himself down. TAALIB: fleeces her clean. Good Old Nasrudin! OTHER CROWD VOICES: Good Old Nasrudin! Nasrudin wouldn’t give you the time of (poking the Big Man in the day! ribs) Cut to Old Lady in crowd NASRUDIN: Good people, I assure OLD LADY: you that I am a A Heart Of Gold! hospitable man... Cut to Old Man and boy Cut to long shot of circle of OLD MAN: people around Nasrudin, Get Old Uncle Hassan! PEOPLE: BOY: Come On! We Know Uncle Hassan! Uncle ... We Know! Etc ... Hassan ! 7 OTHER IDIOT: She drops the melons on TAALIB: What’s on the menu ? the feet of two tiny men, Wa hay! I have not Cut to a stupid painter, had a good meal for OTHERS: whitewashing a house, weeks. Come on, boys ... free lunch! PAINTER: BIG MAN: Free Lunch? Long shot - Everybody He is not such a bad running around, yelling POSH WOMAN: lad after all ! FREE LUNCH AT (appearing in window) VERY FAT MAN: NASRUDIN’S ! Free Lunch? His wife, Kerima, is an FREE LUNCH AT The Painter, looking at the excellent cook ! NASRUDIN’S crowd, puts his brush in HOUSE ! The Thief has just picked her face and runs down the the Fat Man’s pockets Cut to a Lady with sixteen ladder. clean, children, Cut to the Old, Old Lady, in Cut to very long shot of the a rocking-chair with a cat LADY: enormous line of on her lap, This way! Follow the townspeople approaching OLD LADY: Nasrudin’s house up on a man in the orange hilI, cloak! fff-ree ... lllun ... ch !? Cut into front of line. Long shot of crowd, all (she zips out of the chair) following Nasrudin out the ROWR! NASRUDlN: town gate, You wait here! Just a (the cat flies in the air, hair minute ... you wait on end. ) here... I’ll go ahead ... Cut to a dog, jumping on a Cut to the Town Crier and tell my wife to grocer, followed by a boy directing a thundering herd prepare for you. running over the grocer’s of people, stomach. Cut to long shot and TOWN CRlER: hubbub of the enormous BOY: Oyez! Oyez! Free crowd as Nasrudin runs up Free Lunch ! Lunch At Nasrudin’s the hill. GROCER: House! Cut to Kerima, bad- (Prostrate) Cut to long shot outside tempered, stirring a huge pot on the stove. Nasrudin Free Lunch! the town-gate - An enormous line of people is pokes his. head round the following Nasrudin door. Cut to Fat Lady, carrying Cut to the front of the line, NASRUDIN: two huge melons, MEHMET: Hello, Kerima ... My FAT LADY: Dah! It’s really nice of Turtle Dove Free Lunch? you, nasrudin ! KERIMA: Rrg ! 8 NASRUDIN: TOWNSPEOPLE: Cut to an overhead shot of I’ve ... er ... invited puzzled the crowd wilder, some priends along for What! We Saw Him thundering on the door, lunch, dear. Go In! ... He Went In Cut to Nasrudin, scrunched up under the window. KERIMA: The Door ! He Promised Lunch ! Let Us In ! We Have Stupid oaf! There’s not Nasrudln! Nasrudin! Been Here All The enough food in the You Promised Lunch ! Time! We Saw Him house! How dare you Go In The House! We invite all those people! Cut to Nasrudin, hiding beside the upstairs Have Been Watching KERIMA: window, The crowd starts The Door! Let Us In ! We hear the crowd knocking on the door, He Must Be Inside ! approaching CROWD: Cut to Nasrudin, who can’t Turn them away! stand it any longer and Nasrudin ! Nasrudin! sticks his face out the NASRUDIN: We saw you go in ! window. shutting door We saw him go in! Cut to outside shot of I can’t do that! My Let us in! Open up! crowd, looking up at reputation for Come on! He Nasrudin. hospitality is at stake! promised lunch! (exasperaled) Cut to crowd outside, I could have gone out KERlMA: banging on the door, by the backdoor, Oh! All right! Go He must be inside ! couldn’t I? upstairs and hide (he stares at the crowd for yourself! I’ll tell them ALL CROWD: a moment and zips in,) that you are out. Nasrudin! Crowd, amazed and Nasrudin sneaks out of BANANA EATER: puzzled. picture and Kerima goes to Cut to the Banana Eater, the door, All take it up. who says to a huge fat Cut to the outside of the He’s inside! He must lady, house - Kerima framed in be inside! We saw him the doorway. go in! We saw him go That’s true - we didn’t in the house ! watch the backdoor! KERIMA: Some other idiots join in, (Yelling) Nasrudin - Is Cut to Kerima, hatchet - Not - At Home! face, stirring her brew, Did we? Did we watch (Slam) muttering under her breath. the backdoor? The crowd getting angrier OTHER PEOPLE: The- Mulla - Is - Not- and banging on the door, Cut to long shot of amazed What! Are You Crazy? townspeople, by now Fooey! Cut to Nasrudin, hunched having almost gotten to the under the window. False Promises! Cheap front door. Skate! 9 CAT AND The cat ... the cat ... THIEF AND the cat ate it! All three MEAT pounds of it ! OLD LADY (Sequence 7) (Sequence 8) (Sequence 7) Nasrudin puts down his (Sequence 8) Cut to Kerima, still stirring plate, goes over to the Fade in. her pot, furious. Crowd slumbering cat on a chair, Nasrudin walking, at early noises die down slightly, as picks it up and puts it on a evening, He passes a wall they start to give up, set of hand-held scales, He and the Thief sticks his Muttering ... puts on three one-pound head out and watches weights, Nasrudin’s green beads, NASRUDIN: which are still hanging Cut to Nasrudin beside slightIy out of his pocket. window, looking at Kerima, This cat weighs three The Thief runs along pounds behind the wall, leaping up and down. There is a crack Cut to Kerima, who looks KERIMA: in the wall and the Thief around craftily, takes a big So? ... Slobber! bowl and ladles out a great leans through to snatch the quantity of meat balls into Slobber ... So? beads but falls on his face. Cut back to Nasrudin, still it. She looks around again NASRUDIN: and eats the whole thing in walking beside the wall, three seconds, If this is the cat, where The Thief bouncing up and is the meat? down on the other side of Nasrudin tiptoes the wall until the cleft of a downstairs. If, on the other hand, this is the meat tree branch catches him NASRUDIN: around the neck. Kerlma, dear ... what where is the cat? Cut to Nasrudin passing is for lunch? He puts the cat down on the old, old Lady. She is the chair and, angry now, carrying a bunch of She says nothing, scrapes bananas with enormous the bottom of the pan and stamps out to the backdoor, turns around difficuIty - She is so old ladles out two and a half that she can hardly walk, potatoes on his plate and and gives Kerima an angry three on hers, She gulps glance and slams the door. NASRUDIN: hers down. Fade to black. Good Evening, Grand NASRUDIN: Mother. Potatoes? - what OLD LADY: happened to the three (with enormous difficulty) pounds of meat I brought you? g.gg. goood eee.. ve..nnlng.... KERlMA: nnnn..asrudin (finishing off another potato)

10 Nasrudin walks by and the GARDEN NASRUDIN: Old Lady continues dragging (pointing and calling out) her bunch of bananas with (Sequence 9) great difficulty. Have courage, fair Fade in. maiden! Nasrudin will Cut to the Thief, who spies Nasrudin outside the wall of deliver you from this the Old Lady’s banana,s a beautiful garden, topped loathesome brute! and zips towards her. She by exotic trees and rose continues with great bushes, A peacock sits on Nasrudin jumps from the difficulty, hardly moving as the wall, top of the wall to the the Thief tiptoes up behind ground and runs towards Fade in classic Eastern her and rches for the the camera. Two peacocks harmonium music. bananas. He takes them rush to get out of the way and there is a sound of NASRUDIN: and Nasrudin crashes steel being unsheathed What A Beautiful headlong through them and a huge blue hairy arm and confronts the Beast. shoots out of the Old Garden - A Sublime Lady’s robe seizing the Grove! Ah! Me ! NASRUDIN: Thief in a vice-like grip, Her Perchance Wondrous Away Foul Beast! other arm puts down the Delights May Be Nasrudin does karate on bananas, She picks the Hidden Within! the Beast forcing him to Thief up into the air and Nasrudin climbs up the drop the Princess, He crashes him to the ground, wall. punches, pounds and steps over him, picks him Cut to view from the other kicks the Beast, driving him up again and beats the away from the Princess, daylight out of him. She side of the wall, inside the beautiful garden. Nasrudin’s The Beast moans in pain now moves with absolute as Nasrudin drives him into professional efficiency. She turban and eyes appear. He looks both ways. the distance and gives him is a karate expert and she a final kick and the Beast bashes him against trees Cut to Nasrudin’s eye-view mns away moaning and like a carpet being beaten, of the garden. Amidst the slobbering. bows, jumps up and down on lush foliage, at one end of him, gives him Chinese the garden, lying on a Nasrudin runs back up to burns, etc... Then, she ties carpet, is a beautiful the Princess and him up in knots and then Princess being clutched by NASRUDIN: turns towards us, again a huge, green, monstrous Fair maiden, have no with enormous difficulty, Beast. Camera zooms in tottering and shaking as, for a closer view. fear! I, Nasrudin, have put the beast to flight! with tremendous effort, she Nasrudin, horrified, Iets out manages to pick up her a loud yell, Cut to close-up of Princess, bananas and exits, singing basilisk expression. She quietly to herself the NASRUDIN: punches Nasrudin in the ‘Devonshire Poacher’. AHHHAI- eye, claps her hands and The Thief, all knotted up, IHAHOOEE .... !! two Errol Flynn type runs off on his hands into bodyguards appear from Cut to close-up of Beast, the distance, Fade to nowhere, grab Nasrudin clutching at the Princess, black. but looking surprised. 11 and frog-march him to the Cut to Nasrudin, in the dust, Cut to Nasrudin, revolted, wall and throw him over. He outside, listening in lands in the dust, outside. amazement. NASRUDIN: AAWARGH ! Cut back into garden with PRINCESS: the Princess kneeling on Cut to Princess and Beast. the ground, looking He has been punished More peacocks spread sympathetically up at a and driven off! their feathers, making a large bush on her right, Cut to the Princess and the beautiful impression into which is rustling. The Beast. She is dabbing the which the Princess and Beast’s quivering eye Beast’s face. Beast softly sink until appears in the foliage, compIetely enveloped. trembling, PRINCESS: (cooings continue). There! There! Never Cut to Nasrudin, who gets PRINCESS: Mind! He’s gone now! Oh my darling! My up. poor sweet love! Did Cut to close-up of NASRUDIN: Nasrudin, listening, with the horrid man hurt hand to ear, Oh well! you? (dusting himself off) The Beast is crying PRINCESS: Everything’s all right, There is really no and slobbering and is accounting for taste, daring to come out a now! little more. Cut to Princess and Beast. He turns and walks away, stops and turns back to PRINCESS: PRINCESS: camera. Did the terrible man There, there! Little Perhaps ... I should frighten you? Did he one! Baby love! cultivate a limp... hurt hims? (beast snuffling) He limps away into the The Beast drags himself Honey sweet pet! evening light. out of the tree and the Cut to Nasrudin again, who Princess kisses his huge can’t believe it, claw -like hand. Cut to Princess and Beast PRINCESS: going into an embrace Never Mind, Darling Of My Heart! Never PRINCESS: Mind, Dearest Lover ! My own love! ahh ... umm .. oo .. etc ... The Beast is whimpering as she cuddles him. (love noises as she snuggles up close to the Beast kissirg him, A peacock comes into the PRINCESS: screen and discreetly EVERYTHING IS spreads its tail, obscuring ALL RIGHT NOW! the view except for their heads 12 GRAVEYARD Cut to their view of the Cut to the horsemen point of running figure. There are view, as they approach this (Sequence 10) four horsemen and they open grave. Cut to long shot, the speed their horses towards Cut to Nasrudin inside the beautiful garden away in the running figure. grave, in darkness, as we the ditance - Sun going Cut to Nasrudin running, hear the sound of down and Nasrudin going scrambling over rocks, dismounting, the rustle and away - His shadow is very under crevices, sliding, clank of what might be long, stumbling, running, swords and armour, We hear the sound of Cut to thc four horsemen The footsteps approach horses approaching as speeding up, and Nasrudin picks up a their shadow crosses Cut to Nasrudin going thigh-bone as a club and a Nasrudin’s path and he faster. rib-cage as a shield and steps into the bIackness. leans back in the grave, Cut to the horsemen going ready to fight. Cut to Nasrudin walking faster, towards us, looking at the The four horsemen, honest horsemen silhouetted Cut to Nasrudin going travellers, lean over the against the setting sun in faster, edge of the grave, the distance, Cut to the horsemen really galloping now. 1ST TRAVELLER: NASRUDIN: Cut to Nasrudin going as Good Evening! musing, at first, but starts fast as he possibly can, Nasrudin puts the thigh - to terrify himself, He runs up to a wall, is bone as if it is a walking- Horsemen! Horsemen! momentarily pinned against stick and hides the rib- Hm ... coming it. He runs along the wall to cage behind his back, towards Me ... They an opening and runs NASRUDIN: could ... be thieves! panic-stricken through Murderers! what we see is a Good Evening! graveyard, He starts to panic as the 1st TRAVELLER: clopping of the horses’ He shoots around sliding What are you doing in hooves grows louder and and slipping and falls down that grave? the sun goes further down. in an open grave, There is They Could... Rob a tremendous crash and he 2ND TRAVELLER: shoots out of the grave, old We saw you running Me !.. Beat Me ! bones flying in all ...Impress Me In The directions. He leaps into away. Army! ... Sell Me As A another hole and bursts 3RD TRAVELLER: Slave !... Torture Me !.. out of yet another one, Can we help you? Hang Me ! Brand Me ! More bones flying - He ... Lecture Me ! ... gets a skull on his foot and NASRUDIN: he can’t get it off and he suddenly realizing what has The horsemen arc much runs hysterically and hides happened, closer to him now and he in another grave. completely panics and runs away from them.

13 er ... ah ... ohoho. WOLVES She throws his hands and well ... Just because feet down and stamps out. you ask a question (Sequence 11) He gets up considering this does not necessarily Cut to Nasrudin, snoring in and walks out, mean there is a the open grave, Inside his And we dissolve to a Iong straightforward white turban, a tiny shot of a snow scene with answer to it ... still, if Nasrudin figure dissolves Nasrudin and his donkey you must know... in, as’if his turban becomes walking along. the screen for his dream, Cut to close-up of Cut to close-up of Nasrudin Cut into the turban and the Nasrudin and the donkey, I am here ... dream starts as we hear The donkey, in the dream, underneath the sound of is very fat - It is snowing. Cut to top shot of grave Nasrudin snoring, They reach a tree - because of ... The dream-Nasrudin is Nasrudin takes out his axe Cut to side view of scene sitting on a carpet with a and starts to chop at the tree. He drops his axe in a YOU! cup of tea and is thinking. He is pulling at his beard, fit of shivering and starts Cut to Nasrudin’s view of fiddling with his shoes and jumping up and down to them going into odd warm himself, His hands concentrated positions, and feet, he notices, are AND YOU ... going blue with coId, Cut to another view of them NASRUDIN: NASRUDIN: ARE HERE ... Some people are dead ... when they seem to Cold ... cold (realizes) Cut to aerial view of the be alive, on the other they... are ... cold, graveyard hand ... others again Death now seems to BECAUSE OF ...... are alive... although be upon me ! Cut to Nasrudin’s head at they seem to be dead. He thinks a bit and throws their feet So, how can we tell if away his axe, ME ! a man is dead. or if he The dead do not cut wood ... they lie down Nasrudin raises his head up is alive? respectably - for they have towards them with a smile, ‘Bang” Kerima’ s frying pan no need of physical They stand there amazed bashes him on the head movement, and Nasrudin, as if he lived and he vibrates. in this grave all the time, lies He lies down putting his down on the floor and takes KERlMA: turban in the cleft which he an old skull for a pillow and Foolish man ! has cut in the tree, The fat donkey, fed -up, looks on pretends to go to sleep. She picks up his hands in boredom, at Nasrudin’s The four horsemen turn, and feet and shakes them, feet. dumbfounded, and walk If the hands and feet are Cut to a long shot of the away. cold, you can be sure that top of the hill, We see what We Cut to Nasrudin in the he is dead! looks like a pine-tree. But grave, stilI trying to keep up then the branches appearances, Actually he disappear, leaving only the starts to doze off, 14 upright stand and a small Cut to the wolves who shoot The wolves, still giggling moving blob runs over to out from behind the tree, do hysterically, belching and the next upright pole, and a long run and zoom into the burping, walk away into the what seems to be air. distance on the squeaky branches shoot out, We hear the sound of a snow and an old-fashioned Cut in to reveal six long- screaming jet engine and cartoon iris follows them to headed wolves posing as a they land on the donkey, the centre of the screen, tree, They zip in and run who disappears in a They go over the hill, and over to another pole, a little cartoon bIurr. the white oval turns back into Nasrudin’s hat. We closer to Nasrudin, and Jet and buzz-saw and pose again as a tree. hear the sound of birds eating noises as the blurr twittering and Nasrudin A snow storm hits and as it zooms around, wakes up in the open clears, we cut to Nasrudin Cut to Nasrudin with one grave in the early morning asleep, with snow covering eye open looking at the golden light. his body, looking like a demotion of his donkey, white coffin, the donkey still entirely calmly, he leans to sits, bored, at his feet, us and says. Cut to the wolf-tree entirely covered in ice. The ice NASRUDlN: cracks and the icicles drop Such is life! One thing off, revealing the wolves is conditional upon who have turned blue from another. the cold. They shiver Cut to the wolves, now terribly and run to another with huge, full bellies, who tree. burp and snicker, pick their Cut to the donkey whose teeth and laugh gleefully to ear lifts and whose eyes each other in front of open wide, Nasrudin, rubbing their Cut to the woIves who run bellies with delight. to another tree. Two of them take a wish- Cut to the donkey, more bone and snap it in front of worried. Nasrudin, one pretending Cut to the wolves sticking to be very hurt at having out from behind a tree, all lost. six of them clutching at NASRUDIN: their stomachs - they are getting angry now, lifts a obvious1y starving to hand out of the snow, death. They zip back in and go down the hill from All right. go on ... go tree to tree, like a slalom, on ... but you would Cut to the donkey, now not take such liberties very worried, Iooking round with my donkey - if I stupidly. was alive !

15 PUBLIC TOWN CRIER: Academic prominence Make way for the is attained by the LECTURE panel of experts! The amassing of diplomas, (Sequence 12) experts are coming! degrees and certificates Nasrudin crawls out of the Here come the and unremitting grave into the early experts! To answer all lobbying of hlghly morning light, shakes some your questions! To placed relatives and old bones from his pant leg answer all your friends! and coat, shudders slightly questions! What you (poking his finger at the and starts to walk away. like to put to the student’s book) NASRUDlN: experts ... here come Spend not your time, (to camera) the experts! The panel young man - on In the midst ... of life of experts! foolish and unreward- ... we are in the midst Cut to longer shot of a ing study of books. ... of death! rostrum and canape prepared for the Public (he flips the book out of the He swings his arm out in a Lecture, student’s hand into the gesture and a skeleton dust) hand also comes out of his The Town Crier continues to jump up and down, as Study rather the sleeve, duplicatirg his means, the short cuts gesture. It falls to the the Experts surrounded by ground and Nasrudin the populace proceed to (he takes out a pair of shudders, the rostrum. An effeminate scissors and snips off a bit Student runs up to the first of the string round his hat, TOWN CRIER: Expert and sneaks in a which he has been using to (in the distance) quick question, before the clean his glasses. he turns Oyez ... Oyez Experts can get on the away from the student and stand. goes up on the podium) Cut to Nasrudin on a hill, EFFEMINATE STUDENT: looking down at the town. Tremendous activity going (clutching a book to his - and above all - on in the market-place. chest) entertain well ... and give princely gifts! TOWN CRIER: O learned professor... I aspire to hold such (continues) Enter the Scientist about to an important get on the platform and an Here Come The academic position as honest Peasant tugs at his Experts! Make Way! you do - how best may sleeve. Make Way! Make Way i do this? For The Experts ! HONEST PEASANT: ACADEMIC: O great scientist, why Cut to the Town Crier, who is running around at the (cleaning his glasses) does the moon rise head of a line of seven and set? dignified Experts.

16 The Scientist turns to the (he sprcads his hand out TINY PRINCE: camera and speaks like an and the Banana Eater, Dah ! The peasants? automaton, without looking, drops his Hang them! Brand banana skin into the hand them ! Lll - lash them! SCIENTIST: of the Priest. The Priest The rising and setting shakes the banana skin to Sssss-starve them! of the moon are the ground and the Banana Lllllike i do - show qualities of an Eater steps on it and falls them who is ephemeral nature and on his face) mmmmm-master. are only a We see the THIEF, unseen manifestaticn of the by a lifelong and by the Prince, looting the plethora of intricately Prince’s pockets as the unswerving devotion Prince ascends the inter-related events, as to the humble we know them today! platform. priesthood... Enter the Lawyer,and He smiles benignly on the themselves dedicated, Taalib, the honest Student, poor wretch, who falls constantly fasting, with his tattered pen and back astonished into the practising self-denial ratty paper and ink, in crowd as the Scientist ... reverence approaches the sweeps past, followed by a Lawyer. Felix Aylmer type Priest, He turns and sweeps the whose robes are being honest Official out of the TAALIB: carried by two tiny choir way with his scroll and O great lawyer, is boys, continues talking as he makes his way up on to justice (he gulps) ... in An honest Official bows in fact, based on truth? front of the Priest. the platform, (turning to the camera - his PRIEST: HONEST OFFICIAL: voice hisses like a snake) who are and should be O saintly priest, give LAWYER: me some words to ... a shining example strengthen my faith! of the pure, pious and The answer is yes ... truly humane ... man Cut to Taalib writing PRIEST: of god! furiously. Faith in the infinite Enter a Tiny Prince. A huge If not, the answer is ... wisdom of god is fat petty Land Owner no! engendered and pushes the honest OfficiaI Cut to Taalib, writing furiously. strengthened by out of the way and bows. Subject to ... constant recourse to PETTY LAND OWNER: prayer and absti- subsection 2 nence... August and noble prince, with your wide (more taalib writing We see the Bnnana Eater, experience of rulership furiousiy) absently standing by, and authority, how paragraph 3 eating a banana. best may I rule my (more furious writing) PRIEST: peasants? But above all 17 ... foot note 26 ... CIVIL SERVANT: SOMEONE: The Lawyer flicks round and O great and worthy Nasrudln ... where is goes up on the pIatform, chairman and Nasrudin ? leaving Taalib completely statesman, I aspire to OTHERS: covered in ink and lead such a scintillat- bewildered, ing delegatlon as you Where is Nasrudln ? The Tiny Merchant enters do. please, tell me The Thief is seen looting and the Shopkeeper bends how to do so. again, as we search low in front of him. through the crowd, The Politician turns to the SHOPKEEPER: camera and clears his throat. OTHER VOICES: O great merchant, He acts this speech out Nasrudin? ... impart to me the graphically, changing utterly Nasrudin? ... Oh! secrets of successful from mood to mood, Here - Here’s commerce... please. POLITICIAN: Nasrudin ! Above all consider- They grab Nasrudin, MERCHANT: ations, a successful Commercial success is chairman and TWO TOWNSMEN: based on a set of scales statesman, such as Dust him down! ... weighted in your myself, must have at Dust him down! ... favour, a gullible his command ... yea! They dust him down. public at his fingertips a Dress him up ! ... (we see the Thief is rhetoric, a delivery, a Dress him up ! undoing the Merchant’s gamut of expressions money-bag) ... suitable for They put on another set of occasions which are patched robes and turban, ...and an unrelenting which are almost identical (and without looking at the solemn... joyous... to the ones Nasrudin was thief, the merchant grabs monetary ... and wearing. him around the neck and ceremonial. TWO TOWNSMEN: drags the thief towards He sweeps up on to the him) platform. Pass him over ! Pass ...greed! him over! TOWN CRIER: He picks the Thief up and They pick up Nasrudin and (jumping up and down on the the crowd hands him over shakes him upside-down. platform) All the Thief’s loot falls to their heads up on to the the ground and the O people ... the platform. Nasrudin stands Merchant shoves the Thief learned ones are here there, smiling at the away and puts all the loot to answer all your Experts, Expectant crowd into his own robes and questions ... who, murmurs. walks up on the platform, among you will pose Enter the Politician, the last of the first question? To the Politician, very politely, the Experts, A Civil Servant Crowd murmuring - bows before him, Someone says, 18 NASRUDIN: NASRUDIN: Cut to crowd, tentatively May I ask the learned Shall we start with joining in, ones a question? some of the things CROWD: which baffle you ... Heretic? ... Heretic! POLITICIAN: learned gentlemen? (humouring him) Heretic? ... Heretic! Proceed! Experts all cough. Heretic? ... Heretic! POLITICIAN: Heretic? .. Heretic ! NASRUDIN: (confidentially, to Nasrudin) POLITICIAN: What are you doing Are you accusing us of here? The Politician claps his - ignorance? hands. (in amusement, as to a Nasrudin, smiling, nods - child) Seize Him! More coughing. Three ghouls zip in on to POLITICIAN: POLITICIAN: the platform, carrying We are a team of Would that also imply chains and handcuffs, experts - and we are that we are etc... here to answer all of They tie and bolt Nasrudin (he leans forward to the questions which up in chains. the people cannot Nasrudin) answer for themselves. irresolute? All the Experts titter. Nasrudin, smiling, nods - And who ... are you? Silence from the other Experts now, The Lawyer NASRUDIN: seizing his opportunity, hisses. (self-effacingly) Oh! Me!? Oh! You LAWYER: better have me up And, Doubtless, You here! Charge That We Are (he sits down beside the In Addition, Politician) Confused! Experts all shocked. Nasrudin, smiling, nods. I am here... to answer Cut to the Priest, with his the questions which hand up to heaven. He you don’t know the stabs it at Nasrudin. answers to ! PRIEST: More shock Heretic! The other Experts join in Heretic! Heretic! Heretic! Heretic! Heretic! Heretic! 19 BREAD Cut to the King and NASRUDIN: courtroom all shocked - Your majesty, may I (Sequence 13) Whispers, etc ... ask the learned ones a Cut to side view of ANWAR: question? Nasrudin, covered in (attacking) chains, running along, KING: being towed by a chariot This man, Nasrudin Proceed. on which sit the three .... NASRUDIN: ghouls, Cut to the King, who Cut to aerial view of the stutters, half asleep, (bowing reverently in front same, but with the of the Experts) populace lining the route KING: O wise men ... what is which leads to the Palace. Na-Na-Na ...... bread? Cut to enormous Court Nasrudin... Cut to Experts, cackling, doors which open revealing Cut to Anwar, and saying such things as: the King and Court in full assembly. The three ghouls ANWAR: Bread! Ridiculous! drag Nasrudin across the ...is accused of - Stupid Question ! floor in front of the King undermining the state! and unbolt him, Nasrudin EXPERTS: looks up and sees Anwar, More crowd shock. Bread! Ridiculous! the Grand Vizier. There is ANWAR: Cut to the King, bored and the sound of the gong and He has admitted going annoyed, who motions the their noses quiver in Experts to get on with it. distaste of each other, around, saying such wise men as these ... Cut to the Academic, Anwar, the Grand Vizier, cleaning his glasses, bows low before the King. Cut to the Experts. ACADEMIC: ANWAR: ...are ignorant, Bread - is a substance ANWAR: which is for the O king, the irresolute and confused! purpose of nourishing philosophers, the people ! More crowd reaction. logicians and the Court admiration and doctors of law ... KING: murmurs of ‘of course’. Cut to the same seven (bored with the entire Pan to the Scientist, who Experts, who arc seated on proceedings, but waking says, again like an a magnificent carpet up from his reverie enough automaton, exactly as they had been at to fulfill his function) SCIENTIST: the public lecture. Nasrudin ... you may Bread is a compound ANWAR: speak first! of flour and water. ...have been gathered Nasrudin bows to the King, together to examine a Cut to outside the most serious case of courtroom where there are ...heresy!! five statues of eagIes. In 20 the middle stands the Thief TINY PRINCE: Cut to Taalib, completeIy trying to look like an eagle. A vexed question - covered in ink. Scientist’s voice continues but I for one know it Pan to the Merchant. under to be none other than MERCHANT: SCIENTIST: baked dough ! Bread is a substance ... mixed at a certain More crowd admiration and from which man ratio ... scattered applause. draws nutriment! The Thief runs from behind CROWD: Good crowd reaction. the eagles over to behind a The prince is right! guard and he peeps in at etc... CROWD: the courtroom proceedings, Hear! Hear! So It Is! Pan to thc Lawyer, who SCIENTIST: Indeed! prepares to answer. (continuing) Cut to the Politician at the Cut to Taalib, pen at the end of the line, who holds ...and subject to a ready, covered in ink, who up his hands to sum up. certain heat! has somehow managed to Courtroom reactions of get into the courtroom, He POLITICIAN: takes down the Lawyer’s Throughout the ages COURTROOM: words again. savants and sages have BRILLIANT! LAWYER: sought the answer to NATURALLY! HOW It is, first of all, this question but still - TRUE! etc ... necessary to it has to be admitted Pan to the Priest. understand what is that nobody really knows, PRIEST: meant by bread... It is a blessing which Cut to two rows of turbaned courtiers, The descends as manna ENTIRE CROWD: from the heavens! It is Thief sticks his head out of a gift from god not a window and spots the Indeed! Quite So ! pearls around the turbans. How Absolutely True! withstanding man’s A Brilliant Summing iniquity and LAWYER: Up ! undeserving state! Define your terms of Cut to a line of soldiers in reference ... court, The Thief’s head The Thief’s hand comes Cut to the King, bored but protrudes between their out and zips the pearls off slightly unconvinced, robes and then zips back the turban and the turban Cut to Nasrudin. in, There is a pause and sinks over the courtier’s then one of the soldiers’ head, NASRUDIN: robe disappears leaving Your majesty, how can him standing in his LAWYER: you trust these men? underpants as we see the It can be held to be Thief scuttle round a corner. changeable - or - Cut to the Experts, in annoyance, Pan to the Tiny Prince, immutable. 21 NASRUDIN: VIZIER AND He suddenly realizes what he Is it not strange that says, Fast cuts of King and they cannot agree... MESSENGER Court, shocked. (Sequence 14) Anwar, sensing trouble, (Sequence 14) MESSENGER: hides well out of the King’s As the Court awaits the King’s (grabbing Anwar’s robe. view. decision, there is the sound of Anwar rips his robe away) a horse galloping up and a unless ... NASRUDlN: crash of armour and a tiny ...on the nature of honest yeoman-messenger ANWAR: something they eat staggers into the centre of the (histrionic) everyday... court. He is porcupined with arrows and is obviously unless ... Cut to the Experts, looking dying, He also has a spear at each other. MESSENGER: shoved right through his ...yet, are unanimous centre, He collapses, Anwar, A ... Suitable ... that I am a heretic. the Grand Vizier, shoots over Ambassador ... to him and listens, trying not (he smiles at the King.) ANWAR: to get too close A Suitable Ambassa- MESSENGER: dor Cut to the King who really (gasping) The King... does not want to be MESSENGER: bothered but is thinking, The King...Of...India nevertheless. can... be ... sent... ANWAR: immediately... (to the King and Court) ANWAR: KING: O Majesty, the King of India ... can be sent immedi- Mmmm ..... ately... (he zips back to listen further) MESSENGER MESSENGER: Th...Th...Threatens... (expiring now) to ... to ... to make... to ANWAR: make... peace! (languorous) He dies. The King Of India ANWAR: Threatens ... to make peace ! MESSENGER: Anwar signals the removal of The... Invasion... Of the dead messenger and the ... Persia... three ghouls zip in, pick up the Messenger by the lance ANWAR: and some of the arrows and, The Invasion Of with his spurs as wheels, they Persia... wheelbarrow him out of the courtroom. 22 CANDIDATES Than... ZAPPO THE GREAT: Confuse! (Sequence 15) (zips open coat, pigeons fly out carrying a banner (he flips open a deck of Interior of the courtroom. marked ‘Zappo the Great’) cards with one gloved hand) The Grand Vizier goes Zappo The Great! Dismay! towards the throne. (juggling white rabbits in his (other phony hand takes a VIZIER: hands) card) Oh Majesty! Whose Hands Are Cut to King, who grunts to (heading towards the Quicker Than The eunuch. Eunuch pulls sash, throne) Eye! trap door opens beneath In that we require an Zappa and he plummets (Then flipping cards) through floor, cards flying in ambassador to make the air) peace with India, will To Entertain! Your Majesty now (pulls out knotted ZAPPO THE GREAT: hear the applicants for handkerchief) ALAAAAAAAAAAA this high office? Deceive! AAAAAAAArm... Cut to King, who nods (woof:handkerchief turns out Trap door closes as cards assent. into huge gold and green flag fall to the ground. The with’ Persia’ written on it) three ghouls zip in and KING: AMUSE! (lights a cigar, sweep cards up and zip Mmm... let the first bang:it explodes) out. candidate come Perplex! Cut to Vizier, forward: (he flips handkerchief back VIZIER: Drums roll to announce the and forth, pulls it away, entrance of ZAPPO THE And now the second revealing a goldfish in a bowl, applicant! GREAT, a tatty conjurer, in spins goldfish and bowl in the an aberrated Persianized air and rolls it across his There is a smattering of evening dress. He rolls up shoulders, from his right applause as the his sleeves. hand into his left, where it POLITICIAN promenades along a magnificent carpet ZAPPO: disappears in his cloak) Outwit! towards the throne. He Diplomacy is but bows: sleight of hand! (lifts hat off, revealing goldfish POLITICIAN: (flips out led balls and zips and bowl on his head). them away) Cut to King, who looks up in a Negotiation is the basis of all agreement, Who better to mixture of boredom and disgust. provided that certain represent Your national interests... Majesty... Cut to Zappo, who has gloved hands extended out ahh... be honoured... (Poof! Paper flowers on movable wooden hinges, Cut to King, bored. appear from his hand, he places them on the King’s Cut to Vizier, delighted at throne) King’s reaction. 23 ... despite the narrow GENERAL IRONPANTS: ...and give it to him attitude of other (Bellowing) in the guts! negotiators based on Majesty, put not your (He charges the Grand their nationalistic trust in idle chatter! Vizier, still with the sword involvements leading the action, and pins (He crashes his way the Vizier’s robe to the (effect of sound and picture towards the throne) speeding up) floor, There is a rip as the Lead your soldiers Vizier rushes and hides Ahdahdahdah against this Indian behind the King’s throne). abadabadahba... despot! IRONPANTS: (picture and sound running Cut to King, who obviously down back to normal) Cut and parry! Slash, does not want to fight. hue and hack! ah ba da ba thus producing a state of KING: (approaching the agreement between Mmm ... throne again) nations. IRONPANTS: Let the blood flow! (He bows). The Sword Cut to Vizier signalling Nominal grunts and (he unsheathes it) frantically to two of the General’s ADC’s, who scattered half-hearted Shall Decide! applause from courtroom. come silently out and take Vizier looks to King. (He is too old and the the General away, sword is too heavy, and it screaming). KING: falls to the ground, at the IRONPANTS: (mutters) King’s feet. The General gets it up with tremendous Hack! Hack! Hack Mmm... Thank You... away! Beat him to his Thank You... effort and the sword now gets out of cortrol, carrying knees! Cut, slash and (gestures his dismissal. the General around the parry! Cut a slice off The Politician graciously room). him! turns and sweeps out). IRONPANTS: (his energy now almost Cut to Vizier. Give him a taste of spent, he cannot lift the steel! Get him on his sword any more, his ADC’s VIZIER: take him along the And The Next knees! magnificent carpet and the Applicant! (the sword just misses the dragging sword slices it up Grand Vizier) the middle as they go). There is an enormous crash, like a ten-pin Strip him of his fancy IRONPANTS: bowling ball strike, as we pants! Blast Him! Cut Him! See General IRONPANTS, (just misses the Vizier Slash Him! pushing his soldiers aside. again) (gibberish)

24 Cut to King, horrified at the And Peace And Love, He strikes a chord and whole thing, gives a And Harmony Of strings break and electric chicken-hearted shudder. Hearts ! ‘shorts’ occur, giving him fast Cut to Vizier, delighted. electric shocks which delight (discovers he is the wrong him, VIZIER: way round, turns back along And the next his parchment towards the RAMBLING ACHMET: applicant! King, tugs at the scroll) (Recitative style) For Ever After! Music Soothes The We see an effeminate POET, who looks like a Cut to Vizier, who looks to Heart Of Every Man flower, he minces towards the King, And Beast, Removing the throne and bows. He Cut to King, almost War And Pestilence, unravels a parchment throwing up, And Bringing Peace At scroll, beautifully illuminated Least! with the words ‘Let Peace KING: Reign!’ Aeaa Wghhhhhlo ... He strikes an enormous chord. More strings break. POET: Vizier, delighted, turns to More electric shocks and his (in high effeminate voice) Poet, his hand out in a violent gesture of dismissal. hair fries slightly, Let Peace Reign! The Poet’s lily-white robes, (To the tune of ‘Down by the (getting carried away, he turning brown at the riverside’, he prances round steps on his parchment edges, fill with air from the the courtroom) scroll) gesture, as he scurries out RAMBLING Why Discord And like a wilted flower. ACHMET: Harsh Abuse, Cut to Vizier, I’m Gonna Lay Down (now entirely tied up in his VIZIER: My Sword And Shield scroll) And The Next! Down By The Persian Twixt Persia And As the Poet shuffles away, Gulf, Brother India ? RAMBLING ACHMET leaps Down By The Persian Takes out white dove from in, with an enormous Gulf, Down By The cloak electrified Persian lute, with Persian Gulf, three sets of string boards, Let Understanding as if three instruments are I’m Gonna Lay Down Blossom! combined in one. My Heavy Load Down By The Persian Gulf, White dove, with pink RAMBLING ACHMET: streamers flutters up into I Am Rambling I Ain’t Gonna Study the air above the Poet’s War No More ... head and drops’ one’ into Achmet With My the Poet’s eye. Temporarily Wondrous Lute! Cut to King, who is revolted blinded, he turns, walking and makes a signal to The on his scroll, away from the Vizier. King and Vizier. The Vizier and the eunuch, behind the King’s throne, both rush off screen. 25 RAMBLING ACHMET: ... A Great Big As The Final Ain’t Gonna Study Clanger Right In The Candidate For This War No More, Ain’t Persian Gulf, High Office Of Gonna Study War No I Ain’t Gonna ... Ambassador? Having More, Study... Throughout Your Majesty’s Rule Toiled, I Ain’t Gonna Study (the charge hits him) War No More, I Nay, Slaved War Noooooooo ... Ain’t-A-Gonna Study (he is dancing now) Mooooooore ...... To Reflect Your Every (he lights up like a jukebox (Rambling Achmet does a Whim! To Protect! and fries completely, grind at the King) And Enhance The delighted as he does, ...War... Frying, he exits ‘a la Stature Of The Throne! To Glorify (Flash cut of King, horrified) vaudeville’, bursts into smoke, smashes through a The State! No More... Study War beautiful Persian stained (he drops to the ground No More, I Ain’t glass window.) and wriggles on his belly Gonna Study War No Cut to outside Palace, as towards the throne) More... he spirals down like a And To Selflessly Eunuch pulls a cord and a smoking spitfire in flames. Serve The Nation As silk curtain rolls up, Cut back into courtroom Your Majesty Would revealing an old -fashioned crowd muttering as we Wish It To Be Served! electric railway switch, hear an electrified crash, beautifully engraved. (He has his nose on the Cut to the King, who is throne, at the King’s bored and disgusted. The RAMBLING ACHMET: feet.The King gives no Grand Vizier polishes his I’m Gonna Drop Me indication of anything, and rings, wets his eyebrows the Vizier signals with his A Great Big Clanger, and shoots in front of the hand, which the King Right In The Persian king: Gulf, cannot see, to his VIZIER: bejewelled Sycophants, Right In The Persian who start the applause). Gulf ... And, Finally, May I, In All Humility, Offer Cut to the full panorama of Vizier pulls switch, ka-chung: Myself the courtroom as the applause grows. Right In The Persian (he grovels on the floor like ANWAR, the Grand Vizier, Gulf, I’m Gonna Drop a black pancake) Me ... takes his nose off the throne and backs up across the We zoom into Rambling courtroom floor into the Achmet’ s electric wire arms of his applauding cord and pan rapidly along Sycophants. it, where the electric charge Cut to the courtroom crowd hits it and we follow the wire as the applause dies down back to Rambling Achmet. and everybody looks to the 26 King. The King, world-weary, staves of his two ADC’s, like 1st SYCOPHANT: slowly raises his head from a gorilla trying to get out. (Calling out to King) his reverie, Cut to the now smouldering An Excellent Choice, KING: Rambling Achmet, all hair Your Majesty! fried off, with a bit of left-over I have heard, and lute - he is like a charred seen... applications for cinder - little electric’ shorts’ the post of ambassa- still occurring, 2nd SYCOPHANT: dor from men who I Cut to the King’s hand as the A Glorious Choice, would not employ... to drums come to a climax. Your Majesty! comb the tail of a The King draws his hand Cut to Vizier, trying to pull donkey! forward. himself together. (Angry now - he has woken KING: VIZIER: up) ... NASRUDIN ! (to King) All I want is a man There is a big whiz pan Truly Inspired ...... to represent... our round the courtroom majesty... at the court ending on Nasrudin seated (louder) of the Great Mogul of calmly in the crowd. Greatly Preferred! India. Cut to the Grand Vizier, Truly Inspired! Cut to the courtroom in who gasps as his eye-balls Cut to the King, back in his hushed silence. flash bright green. reverie. Cut to the King, who raises Track out to reveal his his eyes to heaven and sycophants who KING: puts up his hand, immediately zip over to Prepare The Nasrudin ; they fawn over KING: Ambassador And His him, surreptitiously flashing Caravan. I Therefore Appoint... money, jewels, trinkets, Fast fade to black. (the drums roll, the King’s whispering such words as: finger comes forward to the We track back from a large screen and travels along black circle, which turns the line of candidates, who SYCOPHANTS: out to be the mouth of the crane forward in Marvellous! Isn’t He palace herald, surrounded anticipation), Handsome! A Magni- by four trumpeters; the assembled populace in Cut to the Grand Vizier, Ficent Profile! So serried ranks outside the surrounded by his Suave! The Robes Will palace below. Sycophants, Set Him Off:Such Cut to the Politician, Dignity ... Isn’t He PALACE HERALD: craning forward. Lovely! Such Poise! Ooooooooooooh ! Cut to the Poet, with his Such Command! Such People! parchment scroll. Potential! Etc... Great hush. Cut to General Ironpants, who is still struggling, as if behind bars, which are the 27 The King Has VIZIER IN Cut back to reveal the Chosen Our Own assembled sycophants Mulla Nasrudin As CAVE sitting in a semi -circle at his Ambassador To India! (Sequence 16) feet. Sound carries over as we ...you have done well Wild cheer from crowd, to befriend Nasrudin, including: fade in on the revolving Grand Vizier’s green eye- The Vulture’s head sinks into CROWD: balls. his neck feathers, Good old Nasrudin ! That’s our man ! We VIZIER: VULTURE: knew he’d make it ! Ambassador? Argghh ... He’ll look after our Track out revealing his face. VIZIER: interests! Ambassador Nasrudin? Now ... This Is What PALACE HERALD: Track out a little further to We Do ... show that Anwar is in a Long Live Ambassador He points his bejewelled grey-green cave, with Nasrudin! fingers at camera and a red flickering candle-light. ruby comes upright into CROWD: I’ll teach Nasrudin to lens, which does a Long Live Ambassador thwart Anwar the combination of ripple glass Nasrudin ! Long Live Grand Vizier! and vaseline dissolve to a treasure chest full of Ambassador Nasrudin! We have pulled back glittering jewels. Anwar’s Long Live Ambassador sufficiently now to show a dialogue is mixed over his Nasrudin ! Etc... vulture perched on Anwar’s own whisper and four or shoulder. He is an exact Trumpets blasting. Fade to five tracks of his own voice vulture duplicate of Anwar. black. superimposed on itself. VULTURE: VIZIER: Anwar, The Grand Steal the jewels from Vizier! Clack! Clack! his gift treasure chest, Clack ! and replace them with VIZIER: earth! I’ll fix him! (We see through a white haze these scenes being VULTURE: enacted out in pantomime, (shooting out his claw) giving a flash-forward I’ll Fix Him! Clack! effect) Clack! Clack! VIZIER: VIZIER: Teach him the wrong (oily sentiment) court etiquette! My Friends ...

28 -Get him to call the (orange sash fades on MARKET great mogul of india round his middle. The by the wrong titles! background is getting PLACE much lighter now) (Sequence 17) Give him a broken (Sequence 17) sword to defend TOWNSPEOPLE: himself with on the and who will be journey! heavily bearded. 1st SYCOPHANT: 2nd SYCOPHANT: Same mixture of ripple and (a large red beard dissolves vaseline dissolve as’red on his face.) OTHER SYCOPHANTS: ruby on the Vizier’s finger Dissolve. There is the sound of a draws back away from the marketplace and we pull camera. back to reveal the fully Back to Anwar in the cave. disguised CARAVAN MASTER/VIZIER in the VIZIER: bustling marketplace, at And for the final trick, noon. get him to hire a We pan through the crowd caravan master... hubbub to find Nasrudin surrounded by various VULTURE: townspeople, crying such Caravan Master ... things as: Ark! Clack! Clack! Clack! Nasrudin, what do we VIZIER: do about the who might... firewood? Nasrudin, The background starts to what do we do about slowly dissolve lighter and the sheep? the Vulture, on Anwar’s Nasrudin, where do shoulder, slowly fades we put the tents? And away, the water jars? And VIZIER: the wood? And the ... be wearing dark cooking pots? And the glasses camels? ‘.. (dark glasses slowly fade We have pulled back now to on Anwar) reveal a large crowd full of goats, camels and and a purple robe.... paraphernalia for the trip, (his black robes dissolve to with the sycophants a violent purple) looking on from behind with an orange sash ... Some Ali Baba type oil pots. The sycophants force

29 their way through the crowd Whose experience is WIFE to Nasrudin, and bow and unmatched! scrape before him. DRESSING (Caravan Master/ Vizier O Noble ambassador! bows low in front of (Sequence 18) O Eminent Nasrudin) Fade in on Nasrudin, excellency! And whose fee is walking up to the front door of his house - He O Great emissary! nothing compared with the amount of sticks his head into the You should not be door. bothered with such trouble he can save details! You should be you! NASRUDIN: left alone to think! To Kerima, my beloved ... next week I am leaving reflect! To meditate! Very well. To think! To reflect! for India (and he turns away from And to formulate your KERIMA: diplomatic strategy! the fawning crowd) Fade to black. Leaving for India? Yes, indeed! To What are you leaving formulate strategy! To for India for? reflect! To consider! To (muttering to herself) meditate! Another of your stupid ideas, I 1st SYCOPHANT: suppose! Silly fool! 2nd SYCOPHANT: ...ought to know better at his age... OTHER SYCO- PHANTS: Nasrudin! NASRUDIN: You need a caravan (importantly) master, To free you THE KING IS from all the trifling SENDING ME AS details! AMBASSADOR TO THE GREAT A caravan master! A MOGUL OF INDIA: caravan master! To handle the details! To KERIMA: free you to think! (satta voce) May we suggest this Idiot! Second man Childhood! Silly Old Fool! (pan to purple Caravan Master/Vizier, carrying rolls (Loud) of maps, etc...) 30 Ambassador!!! Oh!!! KERIMA: POSH TOWN The Jewellery !! The Take up the hem here! Robes ... The More feathers! Not CRIER Gowns... The Shoes ... that tunic! Emeralds! (Sequence I Shall Need! The Emeralds suit me 18a) Attendants!... better! Where are my The Maid Servants:... pearls? And velvet, PALACE HERALD: The Retinue As bring the velvet! That’s Fade in on the busy it! Try the slippers on marketplace outside the Befits... A Madam palace. The Palace Herald Ambassador! ...the gold slippers! Where’s my silver walking under a canape carried by four tiny minions NASRUDIN: brocade? Oh! And the and with his four trumpet- but, dear ... the plumes! They’re not ers blasting spasmodically. good enough ... where jewels~ the robes~ the Oyez! Oyez! plumes... are the others? Take Ambassador but you’re not .... the hem in... higher! That’s right! More Nasrudin’s Caravan (going) Will Leave The East feathers! Etc. Gate To-Morrow At KERIMA: Dawn For India! SO LITTLE TIME Nasrudin sneaks quietly Respectable And TO PREPARE~ SO out. Responsible Persons LITTLE TIME FOR Fade to black, Wishing To Travel To MY PREPARA- India With This TIONS! Caravan Can Join NASRUDIN: Nasrudin To-Morrow ... going. At Dawn, At The East Gate! (He takes out an old saddle-bag, puts in an old As he repeats his message, we cut to the THIEF, at the book from over there and back of the market-place, another old book from over sneaking along towards a here and goes into the section of the crowd with other room, where Kerima, their backs to him. He talking all the time, is on a sneaks behind a pillar chair on a table, between two arches and surrounded by servants. looks round spying the She is in a violet robe, beads in the pocket of the plumes all over her head, other half of himself. He pickpockets his own beads huge rings are being fitted and zips into a corner, on her fat fingers and tiny where he pockets his slippers are being forced stolen loot, sniggers, and on to her huge feet, etc ...) does a victory dance in the dust. He suddenly realizes. Fade to black. 31 EAST GATE swallowers, acrobats, a set CARAVAN MASTER / of classical Salome dancers, VIZIER: (Sequence 19) dancing to a drum and a They are going to flute. They are terrible PEDDLERS: India to seek the Mad- painted fat tarts, doing Holy Old Indian- NASRUDIN: bumps and grinds in the Witch of Benares, to Fade in inside the East Gate, dust (standard oriental break the spell: at dawn, Long shadows, music). The THIEF,. in his The sun scatters early gold element, is nipping in and NASRUDIN: on city roofs, Camels are out, looting. Spell? kneeling and being loaded The camera goes along to with crates of live chickens, a huge palanquin, being CARAVAN MASTER/ barrels of cooking fat, big Ali carried by four VIZIER: Baba type jars of oil. nondescripts, It is very The Princess is Donkeys are being loaded heavy at one end. The convinced that the with amorphous bundles. Princess (from the Garden beast is an enchanted Hustle and bustle sequence) peeps out. everywhere. Peddlers are prince! NASRUDIN: going in and out selling NASRUDIN: things from trays. (who is not close enough to see her very clearly, to Enchanted Prince! the Caravan Master/Vizier) Cut to the palanquin Buy Your Anti- What noble lady is interior. Brigand Charms Here! travelllng with us to THE BEAST: ... Fresh Fruit For The India? Journey! ... Guaran- (snivelling in one corner) teed Evil Eye Averters! Enamoured... of a There’s that terrible Avert The Evil-Eye beast! man outside ... who Now! The Beast peeps out from hit me ... (these are being sold by a the heavy end of the (sob, sob) Quasimodo man, wearing palanquin. an eye-patch) That cruel man hit me NASRUDIN: here... Snake-Bite Potion! (recognizing the Beast) Anti-Avalanche Pills! Arghh ... PRINCESS: (A man carrying a round (dabbing the Beast’s watery world-globe) THE BEAST: eyes) (recognizing Nasrudin) Don’t cry, my pet! We ARGHH ... will soon be in India, Get Your Road Map (zips back in) and the Mad-Holy- Here! Oid Indian-Witch of We go down the line, Benares will lift the passing jugglers, fire- spell and make you eaters, snake-charmers, free, weight-lifters, sword-

32 THE BEAST: They go past with absolute Then comes the Caravan She will? Say she will: military precision, The music Master-Vizier, riding a large is a Turkish janizary version black horse. He is followed PRINCESS: of Battle Hymn of the by some camels with (dabbing) Republic. Big kettle drums, average travellers and snares and jingling johnies. traders riding on them. Then Yes, she will: Also fifes, not flutes. comes the palanquin being carried with the Princess THE BEAST: Between the last of the and the Beast, looking out. She will? say she will: marching troops and Nasrudin, there is a slight Then this is followed by other travellers with donkeys, PRINCESS: gap, some people riding, some Yes, she will’ Nasrudin comes in, walking. The Thief is skirting gorgeously robed, on his round the back, obviously THE BEAST: mocked-up donkey. having joined the Caravan. (clapping hands together Caparisons, coloured gorse Fade to black. and giggling) covering the hind quarters. Nasrudin is wearing an She Will! She Will! enormously long sword in a She Will! She Will! scabbard. Closely behind She Will! him, on classical Persian She Will! She Will! miniature horses come a She Will! dozen gorgeously and effeminately dressed Palanquin lifts up and Sycophants dripping with trumpets blast and we cut lace embroidery and talking to the exterior of the East all the time, Saying such Gate as the Caravan starts things as: to come through. First, mounted bands, big kettle SYCOPHANTS: drums playing come Isn’t it exciting! What through the Gate passing a thrilling day!~ Don’t the King and his Courtiers we look smart! Oh! and dignitaries who are on There’s the king! a huge reviewing stand outside the Gate - Populace I love your lace! Your on all sides - Immediately embroidery is finer after the bands come than mine! My horse horse-mounted troops, the cost 1000 gold pieces! head of the column carrying Mine cost 2000! Isn’t flags and banners, followed it all beautifully done! by a hundred mounted lancers, followed by a What a touching tremendous amount of foot send-off! It takes the soldiers (obvious animation Persians to stage these cycle going on and on) things properly!

33 KERIMA’S I CARAVAN NASRUDIN’S GOWNS I WENDING HOUSE (Sequence 20) (Sequence 21) (Sequence 22) Nasrudin’s home. Fade in. Next morning - Nasrudin’s Kerima is prancing around, Sun going down. Aerial house overflowing with followed by her servants. view of the city. Caravan boxes, bales and bags. She is trying on gowns, wending its way in Kerima looks out and sees rings, plumes and shoes. distance. a passing idiot (THE BANANA EATER) She is talking all the time, Fade to black. KERIMA: Take the hem in! I Where Is Nasrudin? can’t possibly wear Where Is His that! I don’t like those Excellency? shoes! These lapels THE BANANA EATER: aren’t big enough! Nasrudln? Nasrudin More feathers on this left yesterday: one! Get me shoes to match this one! Bring KERIMA: me some velvet! These Aaarghhh! The Brute! pearls aren’t big The Faithless! Shifty! enough! I want blue Bearded Brute! I’ll shoes to match this Catch Him Up! I’ll one! Hasn’t anybody Teach Him! got nice hats? Put these down to his (to the Banana Eater) excellency’s account! Bring me a Caravan etc... Master, immediately! Fade out to black. Fade,

34 I VIZIER CARAVAN MASTER/ MINI- VIZIER: CHANGES and that will get rid of CARAVAN SIGNS Nasrudin’s military MASTER (Sequence 23) escort! (Sequence 24) He then rams a big bone in Back at Nasrudin’s house, VULTURE: the Vulture’s mouth, takes Kerima is yelling at a tiny Pre-dawn light - Waste the reins of his horse and scraggy white-bearded land - Forked-road with a tiptoes behind a nearby man. sipost, one sign pointing to hillock. As he hides, we India and the other to hear in the distance the KERIMA: Tibet. sound of drums and Have you brought There is a cloud of dust marching troops coming to your donkeys? coming up over the horizon sight. TINY MAN: and the Caravan Master/ Fade. Vizier gallops up, gets Yes. down from his horse! Though still disguised, he is KERIMA: now moving like Anwar, the Load my baggage! Grand Vizier, no longer the bowing and scraping (She, then, hits him a Caravan Master. He takes dozen times) down a basket from the TINY MAN: horse and turns the sign- Why did you hit me? post so that the sign to India is pointing to Tibet. KERIMA: He undoes the basket, A fat lot of good it pulls out his squawking vulture and puts him on the would do for me to hit Tibet sign, thus concealing you after you’ve the word, broken my luggage! Take me to India! VULTURE: Clever! Clever! Clack! TINY MAN: Clack! Caravan It will cost a hundred Master! gold pieces, madam!

VIZIER! Vulture! Sit there and hide the sign! On no account move!

VULTURE: (nodding) Arc ... 35 KERIMA: REFIX SIGN THIS LITTLE Here’s two pieces of gold - I will give you (Sequence 25) PIGGY the other two... when Dissolve to signpost. The (Sequence 26) Vulture is cackling and we get there! Now, no Cut to the palanquin leaping up and down on more of your foolish passing. Camera goes the Tibet sign-post, which talk - load up! We inside, revealing the Beast he had been hiding. must catch my brute who is eating sweetmeats, of a husband! We see the last of slobbering and gurgling. Nasrudin’s advance-guard The Princess takes his foot She makes a sign to two troops vanishing down the and he giggles, terrible servants who, with road to Tibet, marked the Tiny Man, load her on a ‘India’. poor donkey which sinks to The Caravan Master/Vizier PRINCESS: the ground. zips out, gets hold of the This Little Piggy Went Dissolve. Vulture and rams him into To Market ... This his basket and spins the Little Piggy Stayed sign around to its original position so that the road to Home... India is rightly marked This Little Piggy Had again. Roastbeef ... And This He, then, loses all trace of Little Piggy Had None being the Vizier and ... becomes the mild Caravan Master/Vizier, gets on his And This Little Piggy horse slowly and trots out Went Wee, Wee, to the right of the screen, Wee.., just as Nasrudin comes on Wee, Wee, the left with the rest of the Caravan. The Beast is sniggering and snorting. The Princess’s sleeve reveals one more toe each time now on the same foot. And This Little Piggy Went To Delhi ... And This Little Piggy Stayed Home... And This Little Piggy Had Sweetmeats ... And This Little Piggy Had None...

36 And This Little Piggy MINI - TENTING Was Pretty ... And This Little Piggy Was CARAVAN DOWN I Not... (Sequence 27) (Sequence 28) And This Little Piggy Kerima and the Tiny Man Waste land - Some foliage Went To India And are wending their way outside the East Gate. The NASRUDIN: Saw The Mad-Holy- We will camp here Old-Indian-Witch Of Tiny Caravan Master is in front, on a donkey weighed tonight! Benares Who Turned down horribly. Kerima is in Him Back Into A a great garishly coloured CARAVAN MASTER/ VIZIER: Prince! litter on top of a large (bowing and scraping) The Beast goes into a fit of donkey, Five donkeys Very Well, Your gurgling, chuckling, follow behind, stacked to Excellency! snorting and clapping the top. Kerima is (he calls) (baby noises) screaming abuse at the Tiny Man. Cut to Nasrudin’s point of Dismount! We Camp view. KERIMA: Here Tonight! The palanquin is swinging Faster! Faster! Get A Cut to Sycophants crazily about all over the Move On, Can’t You! SYCOPHANTS: place, waltzing out of the Come On! Hurry Up! Oh Dear! Insects. And line and back again. Pick That Up! You Nasrudin, registering The Snakes! I Do Hope Dropped My Plumes, They Will Make My Tent disgust at the thought of Silly Old Fool! Why what is going on inside, Comfortable! Are You Making So Much Dust? Oh! The This Camping Is So Dust! And The Flies! Uncomfortable And The Flies! Hurry Up! Dangerous! Get A Move On! Do Do You Have To Fay To You Know What Camp Here? I Shan’t You’re Doing? Faster! Sleep A Wink! I Shall Be Faster! Are You Sure So Uncomfortable! What You’ve Got My About My Valuable Robes? Oh! The Dust’ Belongings? Come On! Faster! All Will Be Well! The Fade. Guards Will Be Awake And Patrolling All Night! A moving tent comes up in the background and we realize it is the THIEF, stealing everything in sight. Fade. 37 WIFE THE THE TENTING REGISTAN BRIGANDS DOWN DESERT (Sequence 31) (Sequence 29) (Sequence 30) Fade in on a tiny spot in the middle of the empty Different location - More Morning - Nasrudin’s desert. The camera does a lush caravan arrives at desert long track -in to a colony of edge. There is a clearly tattered brigands, They sit, KERIMA: demarcated line where the hopelessly, stultified, bored, (yelling at Tiny Man) sand starts, under a tree made of Hurry Up! Get My This line is covered with vulture bones. Tent Up! Fix It signs like: They have mocked-up Properly! ‘Welcome To The Registan clothes lines made of old Are You Sure You Desert’ bones and string bits of Know What You’re ‘Brigands After Ten Miles’ burlap sacking for an Doing? Make Sure It ‘No Water For Three attempt at shade, Is On Smooth Hundred Miles - Take On Ground! Bring All My Water Now’ They are the Forty Thieves, Goods Into The Tent! ‘No Water Holes For Three thirty years after Ali Baba left them and went on to Pull back revealing a Hundred Miles’ better things, They are gigantic pink, orange and ‘No Litter Please’ terrible looking and violet tent. Next to it is a ‘This Is Your Desert - Keep monstrous, but hopeless tiny dog-house tattered It Neat’ and chicken-hearted. They and torn old tent. (There is a tiny waste- have hoofed-hands, peg- There is a big hole in the basket full of bones under legs, ears stitched on side, so that we can see this one) backwards, dents in the Tiny Man looking A bunch of vultures sit on a heads, horrible scars, eyes desperately out. sign which reads missing, heavily muscled, etc... ‘Luncheon Vultures Keep Moving! We Accepted Here’ They are covered in dust and their clothing is made Haven’t Got All Note:later on, as they get of remnants of by-gone into the desert, there Night! Hurry Up! We days:half a boot, a third of should be a persianized Must Get Up Early To a hat, a piece of a sock, Smoky the Bear sign Catch My Husband! something ripped off an old saying: Go To Sleep! Keep robe, all stitched together Watch! Stay Alert! ‘Watch Your Cigar-Butts - in a hopeless attempt at Forest Fires Cost Lives’ dignity, Fade. Nasrudin’s caravan We pan over to Chief wending, wending, BOOZDIL, the most wending through sweltering aristocratic looking one. He heat. has a home-made sword Fade to black. belt which is an imitation 38 chain of office. He picks up a position, The top Brigand There’s A Caravan bone, thinks about eating it scratches his foot, making Coming! A Caravan when it crumbles in his his own toe then scratch Is Coming! hand. He shudders, the neck of the third Brigand. The third Brigand, (mouth right up close to lens CHIEF BOOZDIL: to stop the scratching, now) Brbrblahargh reaches back and grabs There’s A Caravan! Cut to another Brigand, the peg-leg of the top Brigand, he pulls it and the (he wheels right knocking who amuses himself by over the pyramid of bones, building up a pile of bones. group starts to collapse, but the top Brigand’s hand which the bone-building Cut to another terrible slowly comes down taking Brigand is still admiring - and looking brigand, who picks the weight, slides into the main group of up a camel skull, looks at it Brigands) We pull back to see that and slams it into his mouth, A Real Live Caravan! . grinds it up, swallows and the bone-piling Brigand spits out the teeth at his has quite a high pile now. He catches his hook round friend sitting nearby, We pan back to the main the central tree made of bones and spins round it. Cut to another brigand, group sitting around, trying to darn what was bored, drawing in the sand, A Caravan Is Coming! once a sock. He pushes day-dreaming, etc”. A Caravan! A Caravan! the string in his eye, but As we hear a distant voice, A Caravan! There’s A does not blink. the camera searches in the Caravan Coming! A Cut to previous Brigand, direction of the voice, and Caravan Is Coming! who has a reasonably high we see a tiny dot on the The bone-tree crashes bunch of bones balancing horizon (simulation of a down and a vulture’s skull in the air. telephoto lens shot) running frantically forward, lands on his head covering it. (‘sight’ gag) but seemingly getting OTHER BRIGANDS: Cut to a sleeping group, nowhere, one large Brigand (Note:all Brigands’ voices The voice fades up as he arc Irish) supported by the heads of gets closer, two fellow-brigands, his Hoots of disbelief: peg-leg acting as a tripod - HOOK: Get Out Of It! Ah! A fly lands on his head, he A Caravan! A Caravan! Ah! Very Funny! squashes it, but in so A Caravan! doing puts his hand over Come Off It, Hook! the eyes of one of the other A Caravan! A Caravan! Buzz Off! Dah! Buzz Bgands helping support A Caravan! A Caravan Cf F! Come On, him. The other Brigand Is Coming! There’s A Hook! We Know! takes the hand off his eyes Caravan Coming! A Dah! Tell Us All and, absently, puts it over Caravan, I Tell You! A About It, Hook! Very the mouth of the top one. Caravan Is Coming! Funny! Etc... The top one’s foot then falls on the third Brigand’s There’s A Caravan HOOK: shoulder, who moves it Coming! A Caravan! A Caravan! No! I Tell You! Chief! away back into a bent Chief! Chief Boozdll! 39 (he grabs Boozdil’s beard) Women! Women! ...the brigands’ Women! Women! handbook!

It Is A Caravan, A The dust starts to OTHER BRIGANDS: Real Live Caravan Is settle, as dirty laughs (in admiration of Boozdil and Coming! start. vague recoI!ection of by- gone days) ONE BRIGAND: (combing his hair with A Caravan? the teeth of a skull) Dah! Yeah! Yeah! Hee! Hee! Hee! Hee! Brigands’ Handbook! OTHER BRIGANDS: Dah! Brigands’ A Caravan! Caravan! (Stunned) Handbook! Dah! I Dah! What Do We Remember Now ... Dah! Ca-Ra-Van? A Do? Brigands’ Handbook! Ca-Ra-Van Dah! What do we do All go into respectful Dah! Dah... now? Dah! Now what silence as Boozdil opens A Caravan ... Cara do we do? Dah! What the book to read. Van, Cara Van: do we do? Dah! What Scorpions, flies, gnats and do we do now? various bugs jump out - A Real Live Caravan: there is also a snake which (it sinks in) (grabbing Boozdil’s beard BoozdiJ grabs and uses as again) A REAL LIVE a bookmark. He reads: CARAVAN! CHIEF BOOZDIL: They go mad - They jump Dah! Yeah! Chief Ambush! Assault! on each other, ride around Boozdil, What do we Arson! Battle! Burnltc as if on horses, screaming do now? ! Burglary! Cattle and yelling, pounding each Rustling! C - Ca - CHIEF BOOZDIL: other on the back. Caravan A... A... (with great authority) Pandemonium. Attacks On... Here We May I remind you, Are In En... OTHER BRIGANDS: gentlemen, that when We’re Rich! Dah! in doubt... (getting excited) Rich! Horses! Horses! Dah! Dah! Yeah! He reaches into an old Gold! Gold! Silver! gunny sack and pulls out a Yeah! Shh! Shh ! Wait! And Jewels! And Rugs! huge dusty book. The Jewels And Rugs! Shh! Dah! Dah ! other Brigands stare in Shshh ... We’re Rich! Rich! religious awe, as if the Holy Rich! Silver ... Gold! Grail has been produced. CHIEF BOOZDIL: Jewels! Rugs! Horses! ( reading) By now they have all ...consult... The - Brigands - disappeared in a cloud of (he dusts off the book) Will - Take Up - dust. Position Behind Women! A Rock. 40 (they are looking round for a etc... and at the very end, of military line, with Boozdil rock) following at a safe distance, a standing in front, with a tatty A Rock! A Rock! Dah! walking tent. It is obviously flag and with one hand on his A Rock? the THIEF. sheathed sword. Stern and aggressive, he pauses for a The camera pans around moment, then, suddenly the empty desert and finally Cut to the view behind the runs over to the book, spies one isolated tiny rock, where the Brigands looks for some instructions, technicolour Persian rock. are all huddled, heads The snake, still in the book, crushed together and we nods, and Boozdil rushes see the Chief, still with the back to his former position Right! Take up your handbook. and shouts) positions men! CHIEF BOOZDIL: Halt! I Am Chief There is a terrible (reading) Boozdil And This Is stampede, stumbling and The - Brigands - Will - My Band Of Brigands! falling, all Brigands We Are Terrible! streaming off towards the Attack - At _ The - rock. Sound - Of - A - Pan down the line of horrid looking Brigands. Cut to extreme close-up of Trumpet... technicolour rock and the camera pulls back One Brigand climbs up on Merciless! Cruel! revealing the forty Brigands top of the rock, absolutely Sadistic! And Vicious! with their heads behind the tattered and terrible. He And We Are The rock, like ostriches. Their has an equally tattered and bodies fully revealed spilling Scourge Of The terrible trumpet, bent, with Countryside! out all over the place. a piece of old sacking OTHER BRIGANDS: hanging from it in shreds; There is an enormous pull- back showing an aerial (groaning and struggling) he makes a hopeless airy blast, with spiders, view of the uninhabited Shh! Shh! Dah! Be scorpions, flies and gnats desert. Nothing in sight. Quiet! Shut Up! Dah! leaping out of the cloud of Cut back to Chief Boozdil Shut Up! Groan - Shh! dust. in close-up. Dab! Quiet Now! There is, then, a tremendous scuffle as the Cut to the approaching whole pack of Brigands The Whole Ccuntry caravan - Nasrudin, riding appear from behind the Trembles At The on his donkey in front, rock in a blurr, crea ting Thought Of Us ! I foI!owed by the clouds of dust. Demand That You Sycophants, followed by the Caravan Master/Vizier We now observe the Hand Over Your on his black horse, scene from Possessions Or Be Put foI!owed by camels, Nasrudin’s point of To The Sword. followed by the Beast and view. Cut to Nasrudin, stunned. Princess in the palanquin Nasrudin pulls up, the dust and average traders, cloud settles revealing Chief horses, donkeys, chickens, Boozdil’s men in some sort 41 Cut to Caravan Master/ BoozdiI, pleased at the NASRUDIN: Vizier, sniggering at the thought of a summit Chief Booozoll, you thought of Nasrudin’s conference. are obviously sabotaged sword. OTHER BRIGANDS extremely cruel... NASRUDIN: Dahhh! (Brigands look cruel) (deciding to fight) Nasrudin snaps his fingers, Very Well! gets down off his donkcy Sadistic... He spurs his donkey and the Sycophants now forward, but it won’t go. siding with Nasrudin come (they look sadistic) Then he pulls out his rushing up, unrolling a Persian carpet and they sword, which is sawn-off at Terrible... the hilt. There is a moment place two bolsters on top. of tension and we cut to Nasrudin sits down and (they look terrible) the Caravan Master/Vizier, reclines against them. cackling with delight. Chief Boozdil, embarrassed, snaps his Merciless... fingers in an extravagant (they look merciless) Cut to tbe Sycophants, manner, but his fingers also cackling with delight. won’t snap. Two hopeless Brigands rush out and And Vicious... Cut to Chief Boozdil who unroll a filthy flour sack and (they look vicious) pulls out his sword, which then crouch down is also sawn off at the hilt. themselves on the sack so as to make a support for You must certainly be OTHER BRIGANDS: the Chief. The Chief sits But you are one of us! down. the scourge of the countryside! Yet... you All the Brigands draw their NASRUDIN: don’t seem to be doing swords, which are also (formally) very well... broken-off at the hilt, some Chief Boozdil... half hanging off, some split CHIEF BOOZDIL: down the middle, some CHIEF BOOZDIL: (self-conscious) have just forks, bits of old string, old sticks, etc ... Not Boozdil, Booozdil! Well, actually, it has Chief Booozdil! not been too good lately ... Dah! One Of Us! He NASRUDIN: Is One Of Us! Dah ! Chief Booozdll, I Am (patting the ground) One Of Us! Dah! He’s Nasrudin . Since ali baba left us... Like Us! He Must Be CHIEF BOOZDIL: (nostalgic now) One Of Us! Nasrudin ? In fact, this is the first caravan we’ve seen for NASRUDIN: The Mooolah (to Chief Boozdil) thirty years ...but, it Nasrudin! was all different long Let’s talk this over. Mooolah Nasrudin! ago, 42 (muttering to themselves, OTHER BRIGANDS: Let’s Go Then! Saddle drawing in the sand, India? Dah! India? Up! Saddle Up ! looking up to heaven, India! To India! Dah! Saddle Up! Let’s Go! reminiscing) Richer Pastures! Dah! (he realizes they have no To India! India! horses) Yeah! Different! Long India! Etc... ago it used to be different! It was There Will Be Rich Let’s Go Then! Dah! different then! Yeah! And Glorious Pickings Saddle Up! Dah! Let’s In India! go! Dah! Let’s Go It used to be different! Glorious Pickings! Then! Dah! Saddle Dah! Different, then! Up! Dah! Let’s Go! Dah ! Etc... Glorious Pickings! Let’s Go Then! Dah ! Caravans aren’t what Dah! Rich And Saddle Up! Saddle Up they used to be! Do Glorious Pickings! ! Saddle Up ! you know, long ago, Dab! In India ! Dah! Etc... They stumble around there were caravans hopelessly and suddenly with gold ! And jewels! NASRUDIN: they spot the mounted Times have changed! And the Indians are Sycophants and they start to grin and to nudge each (great nodding of heads. no match for men of other, with dirty laughs as Sadness) your martial qualities! they approach the terrified Dah! Changed! Yeah! They dust themselves Sycophants on their Times have changed ! down in pride. gorgeously adorned Things aren’t what Chief Boozdil, Join horses. they were! Changed! My Caravan! Fade to black. Changed! Dah! Changed! etc... CHIEF BOOZDIL: You are right! 0 But, those days, they Mooolah Nasrudin, will come again. we have outgrown the (to nasrudin) slim pickings of this Won’t they? waste land! We are now ready for the rich NASRUDIN: pastures of India! My friends, why Let’s go then! Saddle don’t you come with up! Let’s go! me? I will take you to richer pastures... to India! OTHER BRIGANDS: (copying)

43 VULTURES AT OASIS HONEST TRAVELLER /TRADER: SIGN (Sequence 33) Nasrudin, something (sequence 32) Fade in - Evening - Classic seems to have oasis, palm trees, Crescent Fade in. The sign-posts at happened to our food moon, tents, pool of water the Registan Desert edge. supplies. We will have in the centre of palm Noon - Hot sun. Two to go on to our vultures sitting on the Camera tracks into emergency rations. Luncheon Vultures’ sign- Brigands sleeping at edge post, We hear Kerima of pool, more or less in the NASRUDIN: bellowing away in the same positions they were Very well. in when we first met them, distance and we see a tiny Cut to interior of Caravan except that now they are cloud of dust approaching, Master/Vizier’s tent. The wearing Sycophants’ Kerima’s voice getting Caravan Master/Vizier is clothing, ripped up the louder and louder. sitting in front of a centre, torn open, beautiful tremendous table spread KERIMA: breeches split in two, with fish and game, roast Keep moving! Faster! boots split three ways to legs of lamb, pheasant, get them on their feet, the Get a move on ! Hurry sweets, cakes. Lush odd ring driven into up! We’re losing time! everything. Round the Brigand’s ear, etc... Come on! Come on ! walls, stacked up to the We have to get to Camera pans to a moving tent roof are huge boxes Delhi! We have to tent in the background. We labelled: catch up Nasrudin ! see a saddle disappear into ‘Tongue’’Pheasant’ it. It is the THIEF. The tent ‘Assorted Game’ ‘Halva’ Hurry! Hurry! Are you continues moving along, sure you know the ‘Turkish Delight’ ‘Lamb looting, and suddenly sinks Cutlets’ ‘Prime Beef’ ‘Best way? You won’t get into the water hole. your money, you Biscuits’ know! Faster! Faster! CARAVAN MASTER/ We’ll never get there Cut to the bottom of the VIZIER: at this rate! Hurry up! pool. We see the tent ‘Sugar’ ‘Butter’ ‘Tea’ Do you know what sitting there as a knife cuts ‘Coffee’ ‘Cake’ ‘Soup’ through the canvass ‘Caviar’. you’re doing? Get a frantically, revealing the move on! We’re losing Thief pinned down with his The Sycophants are time! Faster! Hurry! sto1en loot, which is standing, looking on, Come on .. Come on! strapped to his body... As slavering a bit. They have lost about half of their As the voice gets louder and he frantically tries to cut clothes by now and they louder and the cloud of dust himself loose, we cut to the clutch what is left in a gets closer and closer, the top of the pool with semblance of dignity. Vultures get more and more bubbles popping on the uneasy until they finally panic surface and pan across to and fly away, vaaishing into the Nasrudin, who is being distance. approached by an honest Fade. traveller/trader. 44 CARAVAN MASTER/ PORT Dissolve to dockside. The VIZIER: caravan loading on to a (pheasant’s leg in his hand, BANDERABAS huge ratty looking ship. rolling it slowly and looking (Sequence 34) The entire scene is tatty, at it) the town and people are Fade in - Nasrudin’ s My plans are going amorphous and tatty . This caravan comes over a hill scene is very similar to the well. and sees the Indian Ocean, East Gate scene, but with (takes a small bite) broad and beautiful, a nautical flavour. spread out below. My friends, join me in PEDDLERS: my simple meal. CARAVAN MASTER/ VIZIER: Amulets! Charms! (he throws them a leg of Anti-Whale Talismans! (to Nasrudin) pheasant with two bites Sea-Serpent Averters! out of it - their share. Excellency, Behold Typhoon Insurance! Camera holds on The Indian 0cean ! Sycophants, slobbering Ropes, life-belts, life-rafts. The Sycophants all fall and snatching at it, Great big fellows with about. knashing, while bowing CHORUS OF TRADERS and scrapIng and smiling SYCOPHANTS: AND SYCOPHANTS ‘: at the Caravan Master/ The Indian Ocean! ‘LEARN TO SWIM HERE’ Vizier. How Beautiful! How signs, acrobats, jugglers, weight-lifters, wrestlers, Immense And Breath- snake-charmers, The Caravan Master/Vizier Taking! What A swordswallowers, fire- slowly picks off a wing, Marvellous Sight! The eaters, the same terrible regards it - he has all the Money You Could tart dancing women, belly- time in the world. Cut back Make If You Had A dancing in the dust, but to the Sycophants Guest House Here! now somehow in nautical knashing and slobbering. What Splendour! dress. Fade to black. What Colour! Fire-eater with a bowl of money at this feet; people (bowing and scraping) throwing coins in the bowl. Is It Not A Magnifi- The THIEF nips it. cent View, Your Excellency? Cut to Thief, in full picture, Yes, What A Delight! snickering. A stream of fire But If Only... If comes in from the left. Only... Woof:The Thief, black like a cinder, only his (more bowing and smouldering trousers left, scraping) his cloak having burnt off, all If Only What, 0 Great his stolen goods are hanging Ambassador? visible. If Only They Had Not Put Water Into It! 45 Chorus of: WIFE AND VOYAGE My Purse! My Watch! BONES I (Sequence 36) There Are My Shoes! (Sequence 35) Moonlight on sea. Calm. The He Is The One Who Brigands are asleep in similar Fade in on the deserted Stole My Saddle! positions again - this time they Brigands’ encampment. have about two thirds of the There’s My Money Bones lying all about. Bags! Sycophants’ clothing crushed Cloud of dust appears on on to their bodies. They all converge on the the horizon and Kerima Camera pans up to classic Thief, bashing him. and her mini-caravan shoot silhouette of the Beast and the through the centre of All loading up into ship - Princess against the moon. camp. Visual gags with Brigands, She is cuddling him and he is camels, donkeys, horses, Bones fly everywhere. The gurgling. supplies ready to depart. action is all sped up from PRINCESS: Fade out. about 30 revs. to 40 revs. Look at the beautiful KERIMA: moon, the moon Hurry up! Get a move beautiful? darling! on! Pay attention! isn’t- Keep moving! We’ll never catch up at this BEAST: rate! Faster! Pick up (interrupting) your heels! Come cn, And useful though... come on! Don’t day- the moon is more dream! Wake up! useful than the sun. Hurry up! Keep going! Faster! Faster! We PRINCESS: must catch up Why? Nasrudin! Come on ! Get moving ! BEAST: Because, at night, we We haven’t got forever! need the light more. Fade. More visual devices and gags. The Caravan Master/ Vizier sea-sick. The THIEF nipping from port-hole to port-hole. The Sycophants now wearing the discarded clothes of the Brigands. HONEST TRAVELLER: (to Nasrudin) Is that a storm brewing? 46 The storm immediately hits All leap up. VULTURE: them. Ship being tossed SYCOPHANTS: Inevitable! Inevitable! about. Terrible typhoon. Clack! Clack! People shouting. Land! Land ! Sycophants screaming, on Land! We’re saved! I Anwar raises his hand, their knees praying and threatening to hit him tell you land, we’re again, Vulture pulls back, babbling. saved! Etc... SYCOPHANTS: VIZIER: Dissolve. We’ll be good! We And there is nothing won’t lie or cheat Cut to Vulture, like a good war to line anymore, we promise, VULTURE: my pockets with gold we promise! I’ll build Because... Clack! (his eyes turn gold) a mosque ! Clack: Cut to Vizier’s eye-view of I’ll spend ninety pieces his sycophants, craning VIZIER: forward. of gold - a hundred The failure of his maybe! Save us, 0 mission... VIZIER: Lord! Don’t let us You will, of course, drown! Cut to Vulture, terribly excited, receive a most We’re too young to adequate recompense die! Etc... VULTURE: for your loyalty to me Failure of his ! Nasrudin is standing by, absolutely calm. The mission... ark... clack! Captain comes up and Failure of his says to Nasrudin, mission... CAPTAIN: Anwar smacks his vulture across the face with a Mulla. you are a bejewelled hand. The devout man, you Vulture, physically hurt, but should be praying still on Anwar’s shoulder with the others. sticks his tongue out at Anwar when he is not NASRUDIN: looking. I am only a passenger. everything pertaining VIZIER: to the safety of this (continuing) ship is your concern, Which... I shall not mine! arrange... will improve my stature (to Sycophants) and make war Friends, do not make inevitable! too many unnecessary promises. I think I see Vulture, cackling, goes mad land. again. 47 KARACHI his cloak, slides over and WIFE AT pulls him down to the sea (Sequence 37) bottom. BANDERABAS Dissolve in as the boat has Cut to the sea bed as he is (Sequence 38) arrived at an equally tatty frantically trying to cut Dissolve in amorphous, port, exactly the same as himself loose from the deserted dockside, Banderabas, except all the anchor. harbour. Across the picture people are dark. In fact we Dissolve to outside comes a rowing boat, piled use the same animation Karachi, as the caravan is up one end with boxes, but everyone is dark- marching past. bales, bags, seven skinned, A large sign covered with donkeys strapped on. This chattering monkeys says: heavy end of the boat is Dancers, jugglers, snake- ‘This Is Quite Positively The almost in water and Kerima charmers, sword- Way To The Court Of The is yelling up at her Tiny swallowers, fire-eaters, Noble Mogul Of India’ Man, who is perched up on etc... Camera goes ahead to the prow, which is way up in the air. He is rowing PEDDLERS: another sign saying ‘EMPEROR OF INDIA and frantically, his oars hardly Charms! Amulets! ahead to another ‘PEARL touching the water, he is so Cobra A Verters! OF THE EAST’, high up. Snakebite Potion! Monkey-Bite Cures! Tiger Averters! Anti- another ‘JEWEL OF THE KERlMA: Gorilla Charms! ORIENT’, ‘RULER OF THE One! Out! Two! Out! WORLD’ One! Out! Two! Out! There is a ratty sign over the another ‘USES’ , tatty port, saying ‘WELCOME One! Out! Two! Out! TO KARACHI-GA TEWAY TO another ‘BURMO SHAVING One! Out! Two! Out! INDIA’. There are monkeys on CREAM’ . One! Out! Two! Out! the sign and monkeys Camera goes ahead to a Fade to black. abound, as they do from now final sign which is a huge on everywhere we go in India, potrait of the heavily Some Brigands are being bearded Mogul (Assyrian unloaded cargolike in huge ringlets) holding the nets. Sycophants are being product’SMOOTH’ ‘COOL’ carried off very much the ‘REFRESHING’. worse for wear. Dissolve.

The palanquin is being escorted to shore, donkeys, camels etc ...

As the THIEF is getting off on the gang-plank, a huge ship’s anchor slips out of 48 HIPPIE round. ~ Men, women. Like, man, this is a Some sitting down, some love-in with no racial ENCAMPMENT snogging. Some of them barriers, man! Like, (Sequence 39) are caressing and being they’re kinda hairy, caressed by gorillas. Fade in to early” evening - man. Very lush foliage CHIEF HIPPY: We don’t ask no Nasrudin’s caravan is (rides up, sitting on donkey) questions, man..... marching along. The style Good Evening, we’re not racists ! We has now changed from Gentlemen. dig each other, man! Persian miniature to Indian we ...... miniature. (long, thin and gangling, covered in hair and beads. (arms fly out) There is a long shot of Mind really blown, his pillars of lazy smoke in the fingers constantly Communicate!! ! middle distance. snapping. Snap Snap (Mick Jagger’s voice) We hear indistinct music Snap. Song starts at the trigger and drumming, droning Like, good evening, word. Immediately all get indianish. man...come resonate... up from their snogging CARAVAN MASTER/ with us man... bring etc... and go into a sort of VIZIER: your friends, man ... Mr. Interlocutor shimmy (bowing and scraping) come participate: and shake. They ring their Excellency, shall we bells. NASRUDIN: spend the night with CHORUS; these other travellers Participate... in what? Communicate! encamped yonder? CHIEF HIPPY: Communicate! Like - We Communicate! NASRUDIN: (constantly snapping - twitching) Very Well. CHIEF HIPPY: Man, like... it’s a lotus Participate’ Anticipate! They march toward love-in, man: encampment. As they Like, Man ! We approach noise gets NASRUDlN: Communicate’ louder. They go over a rise (mild question... for infornn CHORUS: which gives way to Hippy tion) Encampment. Eyeball to Communicate ! Eyeball. Are some of your Communicate! It is all happening. Classic companions not. CHIEF HIPPY: way-out Hippies smoking gorillas? Resonate! Infiltrate! pot, hookahs and ordinary CHIEF HIPPY: cigarettes. Burning Like, Man! We incense, covered in beads, (fingers snapping) Communicate ! iron crosses, old uniforms, temple bells, tiny gongs, tablas, drones, guitars, sitars. People all wandering 49 CHORUS: CHIEF HIPPY: ASSORTED HIPPIES:~ Communicate! Gravitate! And All fizzles out. Communicate! Like - Emulate! Like - Wow! Yeah Yeah Yeah Man We Communicate ! We Communicate! Yeah Daddy Oh Yeah CHIEF HIPPY: CHORUS: ~ Beautiful, Beautiful, Like It’s Cool, Man Exasperate! Inebriate! Communicate! Like Now, Zap! Oh! Like - Yeah ! We Communicate! Like - Man There’s Good Communicate! We Communicate ! Grass Here Man. CHORUS: CHIEF HIPPY: Love, Don’t Hate, Communicate! Vascillate ! And Man ! Be Cool, Man Communicate! Like - Fluctuate! Like - Bam ! Be Free Man ! Be Real We Communicate! We Communicate! Man! CHIEF HIPPY: CHORUS: We’re Tripping Man! Demonstrate! Evaciate Communicate! We’re Really Spaced ! Like - Zap! We Communicate ! Like - Out Man! Communicate! We Communicate! We’re Wrecked, Man! Like - Wow, CHORUS: CHIEF HIPPY: Commune, Man Do Communicate! Abberate! And Your Thing Man ! Communicate ! Like - Dessicate! Like - How! We Communicate We Communicate! They stumble and fall and Slow motion man - mind CHORUS: blown - pans through wander back to their dancing in slow motion - Communicate! slobbering. Slow motion All others in normal motion. Communicate! Like - man pans back through We Communicate ! the other way. CHIEF HIPPY: Degenerate! CHIEF HIPPY: NASRUDIN: Abominate ! Like - Emigrate! And (to Caravan Master/Vizier - Meditate! Like - Now! there is a river in mid Pow! We Communi- distance background) cate! We Communicate ! I think we should Manifestly female gorilla CHORUS: carries Chief Hippy off into camp...... on the Communicate! bushes. Him snapping and other side of the river Communicate! Like - nodding throughout. ... We Communicate! CHORUS: ... in case our snores Communcate! should disturb this Communicate! Like - tranquil scene... We Communicate!! ! Fade to black. (song end) 50 WIFE IN POLO GAME DESERT STORM (Sequence 41) SONG (Sequence 40) Fade in - Nasrudin’ s (Sequence 42) caravan going through Fade in - Kerima and her Fade in - Nasrudin’s beantifuI lush, green Indian tiny boat man rowing evening encampment by a hills. straight into a similar storm river. At tile end of the caravan, as to Nasrudin’s. Extremely beautiful - Early following at a safe twilight. The Brigands are KERIMA: distance, is the THIEF, lolling about, in similar (bellowing) rather the worse for wear. positions to previous, but One! Out! Two! Out! Suddenly, a glittering white now they are fully dressed One! Out! Two ! Out! ball rolls past him and in the Sycophants’ One! Out! Two! Out! comes to a stop. clothing. The Sycophants One! Out! Two! Out! Entranced, he runs are huddling together for One! Out! Two! Out! towards it. He reaches to warmth near a camp fire. One! Out! Two! Out! pick it up and Pow:it is a They are now fully dressed polo game in the Brigands’ clothing, The storm hits and she The Thief is caught with the The Caravan Master/Vizier continues, unphased, as ball by two teams of North is intact, resting against his the storm rages. Indian horsemen. A visual large black horse. Fade to biack. sequence follows as he Camera goes towards the desperately tries to get Princess with a lute, which away from the ball, but she is strumming very everywhere he goes the musically. ball follows him, in caves, Song starts ‘WHEN THE beh ind trees, in clefts, SUN COMES SHINING holes, up mountains. RIGHT THROUGH’ - This is We leave hin1 being like the ‘Desert Song’ destroyed by both sides. ‘THERE’S A PLACE Note:the thundering horses BENEATH THE SUN FOR and all this should be done ALL’. in classic mogul miniature PRINCESS: style - all very beautiful and green. (soliloquy with lute) Fade out. Beauty is only skin deep,

BEAST: Urg, Urg, Urg,

PRINCESS: It fades like the flowers in the fall,

51 BEAST Unlock the magic WHOLE CHORUS NOW: Yeth ! spell that makes us Right now the world sad, is keeping us apart PRINCESS: But true hearts that Across the sands we’ll but soon we’ll be know one another will find the witch who’s together heart to triumph and win over mad heart! all! She’ll make us happy we’ll build a home just and glad, she’ll help us for two PRINCESS: cast off the bad! Ug! Ug! Urg! Yeth! for me, dear 00000000! sweetheart, and you. Song . RIGHT NOW THE WORLD IS KEEPING US When - the - sun - when the sun comes APART, comes shining right shining right through! through!‘. BEAST: But soon we’ll be We will gather lilacs in Full campfire continue all together, heart to heart, the spring, build a blasting away. castle where the birds Nasrudin, who can’t stand we’ll build a - home do sing, it says to the Caravan just for two rack, rack! Master/ Vizier, for me, dear - NASRUDIN: sweetheart and you. when the witch sees us through and makes a I’m going to meditate 2 PART BARITONE prince out of you! for a while... I may be HARMONY away a day or so - All campfire including PRINCESS; don’t leave before I Brigands join in - return. BEAST: Harmony: BARITONES & OTHER CARAVAN MASTER/ CAMPFIRE PEOPLE When the sun comes VIZIER: JOINING IN: shining right thrcugh! (bowing and scraping) CAGED VULTURE: We will have a lovely Your Wish Is My cosy nest, Command, 0 ALL: Where we lay our Excellency: PRINCESS: heads to dream and Nasrudin walks alongside (Others chording under) rest the river leaving the song ALL: A patter of tiny feet still blasting away. Her two Errol Flynn men Oh! it will all be so join in - marvellous baritones. sweet When - the - sun - When - the - sun comes-shining right comes (wait for it) through! shining right through! 52 YOGI NASRUDIN:” Camera now upside-down Pray, allow me to join so that Nasrudin and the (Sequence 43) you for as I had Yogi both appear to be right Dissolve in as Nasrudin suspected we have side up hanging from the comes across an increrlibIy something in earth as if it is the ceiling. old emaciated Yogi, common. I am YOGI: standing on his head by a strongly attracted to tranquil pool. Now, if you feel able, your sentiments... now we are better NASRUDIN: because a fish once acquainted, to (to himself) saved my life! communicate to me Surely a devout Camera swings round - your supreme philosopher like me Yogi as if right side up, experience with the must have something Nasrudin upside -down. life-saving fish, I in common with this YOGI: would be more than honoured ... saintly individual: How pleasurably To the Yogi, who is still remarkable! I shall be Nasrudin, tired and fed up. upside-down. delighted to admit you NASRUDIN:” NASRUDIN: to my company. for all I am not so sure about My dear friend, may I my years of devotion to that... know the purpose of the cause of animals, I have never yet been Camera swings round so your manifestly that the Yogi is upside- ecstatic exercise? privileged to attain such down and Nasrudin intimate communion painfully gets right side up. Camera swings round to with them as you - show the Yogi as if he is saved your life! This right side up, with Nasrudin standing upside-down. amply substantiate our NASRUDIN: doctrine that all the Now that I have heard YOGI: animal kingdom is more of your ideas. I am a yogi! I am interlinked. He dusts himself down. dedicated to the Camera swings round to service of all living The Yogi falls to the ground show Yogi upside-down in front of Nasrudin. things... especially and Nasrudin right side up. birds and fish. YOGI: YOGI: But, master! master! I Camera swings round to Please, freely show Nasrudin standing beseech you! I implore right side up, with the Yogi accommodate yourself you! I abase myself upside-down. beside me. before you! Nasrudin stands on his He throws dust in his face, head and they go into a series of difficult positions Impart to me the secret dissolving in and out to of the life-saving fish! indicate the passage of time. 53 NASRUDIN: WIFE AT bewildered hippies, the slow (completely fed up) motion Hippy passes HIPPIE CAMP through again (use the Since you insist, the same animation). fish did save my life. I (Sequence 44) was starving at the Fade in - Hippie Camp - time and I lived on it The scene is exactly as for three days! before. Hippies snogging, sitars droning etc... He walks away leaving the Yogi collapsing in the dust. A cloud of dust approaches on the horizon Dissolve to Nasrudin, back and Kerima and her mini - at the campfire, shouting, caravan hit the camp like a All right, every-body! tornado going through. Saddle up! Let’s get Pandemonium. out of here! Trees snapped off in her path. Her action all sped CARAVAN MASTER/ up: 30 to 45 revs. VIZIER: (bowing and scraping) KERIMA: Yes, Your Excellency... Get A Move On! As You Command, Hurry Up! Catch Up Your Excellency ~ With Nasrudin! Keep Moving! Not Fast (he calls out) Enough! Saddle Up! Saddle Up! We’ll Never Catch Up! On To The Imperial I Knew You Didn’t City Of Delhi. Know Your Job! Keep Fade to black. Going ! You Sure You Know The Way? Faster! Are Hurry Up ! Get Going! We’ll Never Catch Up Like This! Faster! Hurry Up! We’re Losing Time! Are You Sure This Is The Way To Delhi? Come On! Come On! We’re Wasting Time! Hurry! She vanishes away in the distance. Across her path of wreckage and 54 THIEF AND OUTSIDE CARAVAN FUR RUG DELHI MASTER’S (Sequence 45) (Sequence 46) TENT Nasrudin’s caravan passes Fade in - They sight the (Sequence 47) beautiful miniature palace. minarets of Delhi The Caravan Master/Vizier Cut to the edge of the CARAVAN MASTER/ is eating pheasant and palace wall and the THIEF VIZIER: grapes etc... , the now pokes his head over a Behold, Your hopelessly tattered bunch of bamboo trees. Sycophants all around He comes out on bamboo Excellency... The stilts and shuffles along the Minarets Of The CARAVAN MASTER/ wall edge. He suddenly Imperial City Of VIZIER: sees a tall thin Prince lying Delhi! Triumph? ... Nasrudin on a huge fur rug on a (bowing and scraping) enter in triumph?! pavilion. May I Suggest We He laughs. The Prince is looking at jewels in a box. He closes Camp Here Tonight CAGED VULTURE: the box and goes to sleep And Enter The City sniggering, with the box beside him Tomorrow - In right in the middle of the fur Triumph! Cackle, Cackle! Clack! rug. Clack! NASRUDIN: The Thief, commando- Very well. CARAVAN MASTER/ . style, climbs down vines, VIZIER: crawls on his belly across The Caravan Master/Vizier throws a half-eaten leg to a the pavilion, up the steps goes away, chuckling Sycophant, who picks it up into the rug and surfaces silently to himself. from the dust and eats it beside the jewel-box. He Dissolve. with happy smiling, etc... grabs the jewelbox, checks to see that the jewels are With his trunk full of still in it and turns to mud? Cackle! Cackle! escape. Then, at the edge CHIEF SYCOPHANT: of the fur rug, encircling him, huge dogs’ heads laughs horridly, waving his raise up. In fact, the rug is chewed bone, made of huge dogs, And not knowing the bottom to bottom, making right court etiquette! a circle. All laugh hysterically Cut to the outside of the beautiful miniature palace. OTHER SYCOPHANT: We hear horrid rending Using the wrong titles! noises. All roar and cackle.

55 ANOTHER SYCOPHANT: CARAVANS DELHI (hysterical) DIVERGE PALACE And riding on his tatty donkey into the (Sequence 48) (Sequence 49) presence of the Great Fade in - Morning - Big Camera going through the Mogul of India! encampment - Fires gateway into Delhi city. burning _ People packing Groups lining the route. They all cackle hysterically up. and the Caravan Master/ Camera goes through walls Vizier throws another leg Cut to the palanquin with into Palace, into the and bits of food to the the Princess peeping out. courtroom. The Mogul King Sycophants, who scramble There is an Indian guide, is lolling on a throne, in the dust for it. carrying a mocked-up surrounded by courtiers sandwich-board, which and women painting his As they are still laughing says ‘Guided Tours of Delhi toes, fanning him and hysterically, the Vulture and local points of interest’ dropping grapes into his bites the leg of the worst- mouth. He is lying on them off Sycophant. PRINCESS: in fact, the throne almost Can you guide us to appears to be made up of the sanctuary of the voluptuous dusky maidens. Mad Holy-Old- Courtiers look on, hungry. Indian-Witch of This is interrupted by Benares? PARATA, calling,

GUlDE: PARATA: Indubitably! Not 0, Great And Noble Mogul only will I guide you - Emperor Of India! Your to the sanctuary of the Grand Vizier, Parata, begs Mad-Holy-Old- Audience. Indian-Witch of Mogul, bored, looking up Benares, but I will from his activities, beckons guide you to the Parata to enter. sanctuary of the Mad- Parata comes in, bowing Holy-Old-Indian- and scraping and kissing the ground, throwing Witch of Benares. invisible dust on his face, Cut to a top shot of the main approaching the throne. He caravan going off to Delhi gets up to the threshold of and the palanquin diverging; the throne, still kissing the going off to the left, heading ground and gives a for the mountains in the perfunctory kiss to what he distance. thinks is the Mogul’s foot, but which is one of the girls’ feet. Parata sees it is

56 a woman and gives it the full PARATA Even To Himself! He treatment, working his way Is A Source Of Great up the leg. SONG Confusion The Mogul has a sceptre, (Sequence 50) lolling back in one of his Even To Himself! Cut to Parata, still dazed. hands and he slugs Parata Soliloquy, with music, PARATA: on the head. Mikado-like. I Am Devious And PARATA: PARATA: Cunning In Order To staggering back from the Survive ! throne, I Am, Of Course, Parata The Indian It Is The Only Way Ooooh ! ..... 0 Great Grand Vizier! That I, Parata, Can And Noble Mogul ! Keep Myself Alive! Your Blow Has Indian Instruments - Ennobled Poor Parata, B’doingggggg FULL CHORUS WITH Your Grand Vizier: I Am So Extremely PARATA: Can Keep Himself The Mogul just looks at him Cunning That I Do and resumes his attentions Outwit Myself! Alive! Can Keep to the ladies. Himself Alive! COURTROOM CHORUS: During all this, negro slaves It Is The Only Way are carrying enormous He Does Outwit That He, Parata, Can plates above their heads Himself ! He Does Keep Himself Alive! and place them down in Outwit Himself ! front of the Mogul, He Is So Extremely revealing fat, voluptuous Cunning That He women on the trays. The Mogul feels their flesh as if Does Outwit Himself! he was feeling the fruit or (Parata preens during the pressing the cheese. When chorus) his finger really sinks in, he nods ‘YES’. PARATA: I Am A Source Of Constant Confusion To My Own Personal Self! Horne Of My Own Deviousness Even To Myself!

COURTROOM CHORUS: (as Parata dances) Even To Himself!

57 PARATA: (bastardised to an Indian FULL version of ‘Greensleeves’ now) But - I Like It ! HONOURS How I Like It! It Keeps PARATA: My Brain So Fit! Outwit Myself, Outwit (Sequence 51) COURTROOM CHORUS: Myself! I Constantly Fade in. (as Parata dances) Confuse Myself ! Nasrudin’s caravan en But He Likes It! How My Subtleties Are So route to Delhi gate. He Likes It! Refined That I Often Dancing girls again, Leave Myself Behind! massive crowds lining the Because It Keeps His route, military escort and Brain So Fit! My Duplicity Is So bands riding up, elephants, etc... everybody coming to PARATA: Complete That My Two Selves Will Never see. I’m So Cunning, I May Meet ! I Constantly Impression of taking time - Tell You Outwit Myself All is so enormous and I Fill My Pockets By grand. My Craft ! That My Plotting Outwits Even Me. Fade. COURTROOM CHORUS: (as Parata dances in front COURTROOM CHORUS: again) That His Plotting Fills His Pockets By His Outwits Even He ... Craft! Fills His Pockets At the end of the song, a By His Craft ! messenger comes running up. He is an Indian version of He’s So Cunning We the Persian messenger, May Tell You He Fills His Pockets By His MESSENGER: Craft! O Grand Vizier Parata! The Persian Caravan Is PARATA: Within A League Of My Guile Is Without The City! Bottom! And My Cunning Without End! PARATA: (to messenger) COURTROOM CHORUS: Let Them Be Received His Cunning With With Full Honours! Out End! His Cunning Without End! His Guile Is Without Messenger shoots off. Other Bottom! And His courtiers following. Cunning Without End! Fade.

58 MAD-HOLY- PRINCESS: WITCH: O Mad And Holy My dear, my child, it OLD-INDIAN- Old Indian Witch Of is obvious to me that WITCH Benares, I have he is victim of the (Sequence 52) travelled many leagues Double-Whammy- through many lands to Split Interlink PRINCESS: find you ! Incantation with Fade in. Early evening light. newt’s eyeballs and The palanquin and guide WITCH: thousand island are high up in the (disinterested) hemlock spell. mountains. They arrive at Aoohh ... an ‘EI Rancho Grande’ This is most difficult type of sign-entrance, PRINCESS: spell to lift... and very which says ‘The Mad-Holy- To implore you, to costly! Old-Indian-Witch of beg you, if necessary The Princess claps her Benares’. to pay you... hands and her two Errol The witch is sitting beside a Flynn men arrive from cave. Her eyes are WITCH: nowhere and put down completely mad and she is (alert, now) four bags full of money. an old wizened white- haired woman with big To Pay Me? To Pay WITCH: ears. Me? Pay Me! argh ... aha ... for you, They enter and just before PRINCESS: I will make special the palanquin stops, the price: Princess gives the guide a To lift the spell - the purse. The guide gives an dread enchantment PRINCESS: Indian bow and exits. which has been placed Please! Oh,Please! The Princess gets out of upon one whom I Reverend Mother! the palanquin and formally know to be a young approaches the witch. and noble prince! And WITCH: has cast him into a And take a special trip! PRINCESS: somewhat unpleasing The witch is lithe now. She O Mad And Holy Old shape. goes into a start position, Indian Witch Of runs a few yards, leaps into Benares... Greetings. The palanquin flaps open, revealing the Beast who a pit, which has a trampoline in it; she springs WITCH: smiles and looks absolutely terrible. out of it up into a tree, disinterested where she grabs a Tarzan Greetings? . , BEAST: rope; she swings down out Greetings?.. (realizing) Auauh: of the tree, giving a Tarzan Ahh ... Greetings: holler, WITCH: Aeyeaeyeaeyeaey eaeyeaeyeaeye.... 59 past a tripod of logs from Mystic Fumes Show She quickly screws off the which hangs a wicker-work Me The Way valve, does a knee-bend, basket over a large crack in shoots up, hits the ‘J. the earth. She swings past Tell Me How This Arthur Rank’ gong and this and around it and up Curse To Lay swings backwards round to an ovemanging cliff, Sniff... Hurr ... her tripod up into the tree, where she hits a ‘J. Arthur giving the Tarzan holler, but Rank’ type gong with her Sniff... Hurr ... backwards. body and, as she falls, she In Yonder Beast A All thIs is as if the film is hangs the rope up beside Prince Is Hidden How running backwards. She the gong and drops into drops from the tree into the the wicker-work basket Can From Him This Spell Be Ridden? trampoline pit and bounces over the cleft in the earth. backwards into the cave. On the side of the wicker The gas from the fissure is Cut to Beast and Princess, basket is an oil-rigger type hatting up now. Bubbling looking on apprehensively. of valve. She turns the noises. The Witch gets valve and green gas comes shriller. Her mind is now The Witch shoots out of up through the crack in the blown. the cave carrying cauldron, earth. She takes a deep logs and ingredients, lights WITCH: breath of the gas and pulls fire and puts it all in and out a cube of sugar, which Gobbledeegook And stirs it round. she pops in her mouth. Hi-Dee Hi Neck Of The film here is all sped up, Newt And Nose Of going forward again. WITCH: Fly, Then, returning to normal With Acid, Fumes Face Of Rat And Toe speed, the Witch takes her And Gas Combined I enormous ladle, puts some Will Start To Blow My Of Oyster, A Little steaming muck in a pan Mind Dust From Sacred and takes it over to the Cloister, sniff... hurr ... sniff... Beast. hurr ... Even shriller now Cut to Princess, in happy Let Of Mutton, Cup expectation. Then she turns the valve a little more and more gas Of Tea, Footprint Of BEAST: comes up. The Magic Flea, (smelling the muck) She leans over and turns Argh ... the jet all the way. She is O Gas:First Gas I skyhigh now. The Princess nods to the Sniff Tonight I Wish I Beast to drink it. Tendril Of Enormous May, I Wish I Might Gnat, Glass Of Water, He takes a tiny sip. Blow My Mind Out Like A Light! Old Felt Hat, PRINCESS: Mix Together, Boil Drink It, Drink It Sniff... Hurr ... Sniff... And Bake! Down, 0 My Sweet Hurr ... Love’ Let Him Eat This Magic Cake!

60 The Beast gulps it all down NASRUDIN He is fingering a woman’s leg and goes into a contorted fit running down it to the toes. based on the Witch’s CHOSEN AT Goes back into his coma. rhyming couplets and there RANDOM State of war... state of is a puff of smoke. The war... Princess rushes in towards (Sequence 53) him, as the smoke clears. Dissolve back to Mogul PARATA: We see that the Prince is court. We can hear the Rumour has it, indeed a prince in full distant noise of Nasrudin’s Majesty, that the regalia, but he is knock- caravan approaching. kneed, chinless, tinynosed Persian Ambassador is and a hopeless nit. Addressing the MoguI, man of no conse- trying to bring him out of quence - selected PRINCESS: his reverie with his ladies, entirely at random! (shocked and disap- PARATA: Possibly in order to pointed) O:Great And Noble delay our warlike OOOOOOHH: Mogul, May I Bring preparations... PRINCE/BEAST: To Your Notice The Cut to Mogul running his (he still speaks with the Fact - And Fact It Is - hand up a great white leg. That The Ambassador Beast’s voice) PARATA: Princess Nura, I am Of Persia And His Caravan Will Arrive In Possibly, even to insult restored to my original your majesty. shape - you don’t look Your Imperial Capital Presently. Cut to Mogul - he stops very happy! fingering for a second. The Mogul just looks at She is poker-faced and him. picks up his leavings in the MOGUL: dish and drains it in one PARATA: Insult my Majesty? gulp. continuing, Runs hands down leg Then, she goes into a As You Will Recall, again; sort of still thinking rhythmic fit, but a belly- Majesty, You Have about it. dance version. There is a puff of smoke and we see Decreed A State Of PARATA: she has turned into a huge War Against Persia - Yet, O Sublime and green frog, but with the Unless A Suitable Mogul Noble Princess’s crown still on Persian Ambassador (looking at the leg) the frog’s head. Could Be Sent To You my spies report that She takes the hand of the To Make Peace. Prince and hops off with this ambassador, by him G’DUNK ... G’DUNK ... MOGUL: name Nasrudin, has into the early evening light, coming out of his coma, shown a remarkable leaving the Mad-Holy-Old- State Of War... ability and depth of Indian-Witch counting her understanding in money and biting it to see if difficult circumstances it is all good. DissoIve. - as if he were perhaps 61 even.... divinely CLASH AT GENERAL ALARAM: guided! And yet they It will be a walk-over, say he was picked at GATE O Parata! Just look at random! (Sequence 54) the Persian escort! Fade in at the City Gate. MOGUL: Cut to the Sycophants, terrified. General Alaram having surfaced, Nasrudin’s caravan is approaching the gate, spurs his horse/elephant If he were picked at Nasrudin in front, the forward, stops in front of random - and yet is so Caravan Master/Vizier Nasrudin and holds up his wise - and so shrewd - behind him and the hands. hopelessIy tattered does this not mean that GENERAL ALARAM: Sycophants, twelve anyone at all in Persia is Halt! All those who equally capable of the abreast - they obscure the delicate post of rest of the caravan from the seek to enter the Indians’ point of view. Imperial City of Delhi Ambassador, infallible must first try their and intuitive,to our The Indian Royal Guard is sublime court? drawn up in front of the strength against the gate, facing Nasrudin, on royal guard! Let your Uncertain elephants and horses and escort engage us! there is a mad General Should we then not be Cut to Sycophants, white ALARAM - an Indian careful in our dealings with terror. with these Persians, counterpart to the Persian General IRONPANTS. Cut to Nasrudin, who looks Parata? Even reconsider surprised, reflects; then- our warlike attitude to PARATA: them? For might they rushing out to the General, NASRUDIN: not - easily - engulf us? General Alaram! whispers to a messenger, General Alaram! Tell Chief Booozdil PARATA: that here are some O Great, Noble and GENERAL ALARAM: men who claim to be Superlative Defender of wheeling round at Parata’ s the world’s greatest the Empire, you are as call, and most renowned always - right! Let us be Alaram Is My Name! brigands and thieves. cautious! And test their And Alaram Is My military strength! The messenger exits into Nature! the rear group behind the The Mogul has started pawing Sycophants, from which PARATA: again. soon come great cries of Here they come! Chief Boozdil, screaming, PARATA: Now,General! With your Noble Challenge them! Mogul’s permission, I suggest we send our finest warriors to the city gate.

62 CHIEF BOOZDIL: the Indian Royal Guard clad THIEF AND What?! It is a lie ! Liars! only in underpants vanishing We are the greatest over the hill. JEWEL- brigands and thieves! BOTTLE Let us at them! Charge! Nasrudin leads the caravan (Sequence 55) forward, the Brigands fall in The Brigands all scream and and march through the City The THIEF nips out of the yell and roar. Gate. As they enter the crowd and scurries through ASSORTED BRIGANDS: gate, the leftover Indian the City Gate alongside What? What? It’s a lie! troops fall in meekly, Nasrudin’s caravan and behind the caravan. shoots off into a courtyard. It’s a lie! We’re the He sneaks around and greatest brigands! Let us sees a thin-necked bottle at them! full of enormous rubies. He Here we come! Up the is hypnotized, empties his pockets of everything he rebels ! Taratarah Tatah has already stolen, in order Tatah da da da da da da to make room and shoves da da da da da ... Up his hand in the bottle. the rebels! Hit them The neck of the bottle is where it hurts! too narrow to let any rubies They hurtle through in a flying out. While the Thief is trying wedge, picking up to work it out, two palace Sycophants as shields, sticks, guards silentIy come up stones, etc... And they stream behind him. The Thief sees past and crash headlong into the guards but cannot stop the Indian Royal Guard with trying to get the rubies out. the sound of a hammer hitting He picks up the bottle and an anvil! shuffles off with it, still working away at it. Cut to Parata. They follow him around a PARATA: while as the Thief keeps Oh! Goodness! Perhaps trying to pretend they are I should return to the not there. Then, they very court! quietly pick him up, bottle and all, and take him away and he zips out. into the distance, the Thief There are several seconds of still with the bottle, dust cloud, heads and pieces pumping at the rubies. flying out of it. Then the dust They go through a distant settles down and the Brigands door and we hear a dull are seen dusting themselves thud. off, wearing the Indian Royal Guard armour, etc... and We never see the Thief there is a small bunch of again.

63 INSIDE GATE PRESENTATION Cut to Parata, next to him, shocked. (Sequence 56) (Sequence 57) Cut to Indian court, Parade, etc... Cut to the inside of the shocked. Enormous crowds Audience Hall as Nasrudin Cut to cackling Caravan screaming - Massed rides in. More gasping of Master/Vizier. horror. mounted bands, elephants, continuing, camels, eunuchs, dancing Cut to Parata. girls, all the magnificence of sotto voce NASRUDIN: Indian Court, Power and I bring you greetings Pomp trotted out on This is significant! Others must dismount from the Emperor of display. Persia! And these gifts! Nasrudin, on his donkey, to walk in to the Cut to Caravan Master/ as he approaches the presence of the Vizier sniggering in his Palace. Indian nobles, on emperor, but this man beard. gold and bejewelled has so arranged things horses, form a guard of as to be able to ride in Two normal men of the honour right in front and like an equal to the retinue bring out the lead Nasrudin up the steps Great Mogul Himself ! enormous treasure -chest. to the Palace. They trot up Drums roll - They throw the (muses) to the main Hall of top open - All gasp Audience. Nasrudin rides up to the ALL: The door is at half normal foot of the throne - clop! height so that they have to clop! clop! Earth! Earth! Earth! A dismount and lead their Old joke of standing up Trunk Full Of Earth! horses in. Nasrudin being and his donkey walks Cut in to Nasrudin, close so low on his donkey rides away. up. Low voice. straight in. There is a gasp All the others, Brigands, NASRUDlN: of horror. Sycophants and the Baggage train have also I had better say Cut to the delighted entered the Hall of nothing - at this point Caravan Master/Vizier. Audience. - for how can I explain The Mogul Iooks this? apprehensive. No women now. ASSEMBLED COURT- ROOM: Drums roll Earth! Earth! Earth! NASRUDIN: Cut to the Caravan Master/ O GREAT MOGUL! Vizier getting hysterical with O FULL MOON OF glee. He is nudging INDIA! everybody near him. Cut to Mogul in slight distress.

64 CARAVAN MASTER/ ALLIGATOR PRESENTATION VIZIER: EARTH! EARTH! PIT (Sequence II EARTH! CACKLE! 58) (Sequence 59) CACKLE! EARTH! The three ghouls tluow the Cut back to Audience Hall. He gets carried away with Vizier into the pit. We pan Crowd still whispering. his laughing, gives a shriek down as he falls and go MOGUL: and his beard drops off. ahead of him to the bottom of the alligator-pit, where leaning over to Parata, PARATA: we see a dozen horrific, Earth... earth! What pointing, hungry, waiting alligators. does this mean? Is this Spy! Spy! Throw the Cut. an insult to my spy to the Alligator eminence? Pit! Parata, scared, thinking Three Indian ghouls, rapidly, sees a terrible Yogi counterparts to the three standing by, clad in a loin-cloth Persian ghouls zip out and with a staff and beads and carry the astonished Vizier amulets, bits of bone, hanging. to the lip of the alligator-pit. Parata zips over to him; they Cut. have a fast conversa-tion and Parata zips back to the Mogul. PARATA: Majesty, the Interpreter Of Omens has explain- ed that this is a symbolic act in which you are acknowledged as - master of the earth! Just as you were addressed as full moon, for the same reason!

MOGUL: to Nasrudin, We are content with the offerings of your Persian King, for we have no need for wealth. And we appreciate the metaphysical subtlety of your message! Court - whisper, whisper.

65 CONNING Cut to alligators drooling, PRESENTATION snapping, gnashing, rolling ALLIGATORS their eyes and biting each III (Sequence 60) other at the thought of it. (Sequence 61) Cut to the alligator - pit Cut back to Audience Hall. bottom. Anwar has the ... rotund.... alligators drawn up in two NASRUDIN: Cut to alligators drooling, rows of six, as in a remembering his lines, snapping, gnashing, classroom. grinding, I have also been told They are on one side of the (remembers and relaxes pit and he is on the other, somewhat) behind a rock which serves ... in a word - fat! both as protection and as a that we have nothing Cut to alligators going pulpit. more for Your Majesty. mad, biting, gnashing, ANWAR: roaring, leaping. More crowd shock. The Mogul looks slightly My friends, it grieves Cut to Anwar, with his puzzled at Parata. me deeply to see you hands up, like Billy Graham again - Parata zips off to the Yogi destined to an ... yap... yap... yap... and existence such as this! zips back to the Mog.ll. You have been given The alligators calm people like myself, down. with no flesh on their PARATA: bones.... Fat offerings that will come your way... regularly! in Mogul’s ear, He exposes a scrawny That means that Persia arm. will not yield one Cut to alligators leaping up Cut to the alligators, who and down in the air, biting, further ounce of their snap their mouths in a gnashing, drooling, soil to us ! motor response. A couple grinding, roaring. Crowd muttering. edge forward slightly. Cut to Anwar, who has his hands up, like Billy Graham. He puts his hands down and leans forward confidentially.

Help me to get back to Persia and I’ll guarantee you the most succulent...

66 ALLlGATOR PRESENTATION VIZIER LADDER IV LISTENING (Sequence 62) (Sequence 63) (Sequence 64)

Cut back to the alligator-pit MOGUL: Cut to Anwar, listening and we see the alligators outside the court door. He to Nasrudin, standing on each other, has heard Parata’s making a ladder up the Tell your master we announcement and the side of the pit. understand. applause continues. Quickly Anwar goes up on (now smoothing his beard, Camera pulls back to their legs to the top and laying a trap) reveal Anwar with a white- leans down to pull up the but there is one other fang, dry-land dog-sled first alligator. point - If I am the full made up of alligators. moon, what is the He cracks a whip and they Persian Emperor? shuffle off in a cloud of dust over the hill into the sunset NASRUDIN: towards Persia. without thinking, Ah,- he is the New Moon! The Mogul looks at Parata, who zips off to the Yogi - yap... yap... yap... and back again. PARATA: to the Mogul and to the assembled multitude, loud, That is because the full moon is more mature and gives more light than the new moon! Tremendous applause.

67 PRESENTATION SHIPS THAT DEPARTURE V PASS IN THE (Sequence 67) (Sequence 65) NIGHT Fade in. Cut back to the Audience (Sequence 66) Next morning - Indian Hall. Palace courtyard - Indian Fade in. bands playing - Multitudes The applause is only now Nasrudin’s wife and her gather for send -off. dying down. mini-caravan. NASRUDIN: MOGUL: She is screaming abuse at smiling to Nasrudin, the tiny Caravan Master Come On! Saddle Up! Saddle Up Everybody! We are content - you and they pass Anwar the may return to Persia Grand Vizier on his Nasrudin gets on donkey and tell the New alligator-dry sled in a cloud (same joke: stands on of dust, going the other donkey). He leads the Moon that the Full way. Neither notices the caravan out of the gateway Moon salutes him! Let other. with the Indians cheering . there be peace Fade to black. Outside the gateway, between our leading to the trackless kingdoms! desert is the Boozdil Royal (afterthought) Guard. Boozdil’s two ADC’s are mounted on And let us entertain sagging elephants; they our guests ! carry a banner saying At the word ‘Guests’ the ‘Royal Boozdil Cavalry’. Brigands grab every They are magnificently woman in sight, screaming attired, in Indian battle and yelling as pandemo- dress. They all salute nium breaks loose. Nasrudin, who rides out Fade to black. past the Boozdil Guard of Honour, with his caravan. We cut to Boozdil’s face in frozen salute and see that there is a tear in his eye. Dissolve.

68 SMOULDERING The three Indian ghouls bring The ghouls grab a third idiot, the list. Parata goes through zip him out and we hear COURT it, his pen at the ready. AAAAAAAAAAAA (octave (Sequence 68) higher) aaaaaaaaaaaaa they PARATA: zip back in. Dissolve back to Indian Ram Chund! courtroom, which is all but PARATA: destroyed - Fires are still MOGUL: Mohan Lal! burning, smoke is Toying with his dusky smouldering there are maidens - matter of fact MOGUL: immense holes in the voice, Incarceration! ceiling, some columns Evisceration! They grab a fourth victim fractured, some half and drag him out - sound blasted off - Desolation. The three ghouls grab a poor idiot from the crowd. of steel doors closing. The Great Mogul, They zip him out, there is a scratched and bitten terrible scream and they zip comes in and sits on a Cut to close-up of back in, ready for the next barrel or crate - His parchment, in Parata’s customer. courtiers stand around torn hand, which reads ‘By and bleeding. Everybody’s PARATA: order of ... ‘ clothes are torn. The Banner Gee! Parata, signing, Mogul’s dusky maidens appear also completely MOGUL: PARATA: used and pummelled. looking up from his Parata ... The Mogul claps his hands. amusement, MOGUL: Parata, also tattered totters Execution ! in. without looking up from his The three ghouls grab plucking and fingering MOGUL: another idiot, zip him out. EXECUTION! Now that our guests We hear a ‘clunk’ of an are safely on their way axe, and they zip back in. The three ghouls grab Parata. back to Persia - and PARATA: PARATA: war has been averted, ticking the names off with let us return to the his pen. pleading, affairs of state. Chopal Bye! Your Majesty! O Claps his hands, Mogul! O Mogul MOGUL: Noble! O Noble fingering the chewed-up Mogul, I Am Parata, Bring me the list of women again, Your Grand Vizier! those to be incarcer- Emasculation! ated, eviscerated, MOGUL: emasculated and disappearing into a executed! mountain of female flesh Execution... Execution! 69 PARATA: FORK-IN- caravan coming from right to as he is being dragged out, left takes the other fork going to the audience ROAD all the other side of the (Sequence 69) mountain. Neither sees the I Have Finally other. Outwitted Myself For Close-up on Kerima’s mini- Good And All! caravan. She is bellowing at the tiny man - Dust re-cap of bastardised everywhere. version of ‘Greensleeves’ Outwit Myself... KERIMA: Deceive Myself ... I Hurry Up! Keep Have Finally Outwit Moving ... Faster! We Myself ! Must Catch Up With They take him round a My Husband! You corner and we hear the Won’t Get Your clunk of a chopper on Money, You Know! wood. Are You Sure You Dissolve. Know Were You’re Going? Pay Attention!! Move Faster! We Haven’t Got For Ever! Keep Moving! Pay Attention! We’re Losing Time! Hurry Up ! Faster! Keep Going ... Don’t Slack! Come On! Come On! We’ll Never Catch My Husband At This Rate! Move! Faster ... We Have To Get To Delhi! Come On! Catch Up ! Cut to aerial view - Desert - Single road forks into two. There is a mountain between the two. Nasrudin’s caravan is coming from left to right along one side of the mountain. Kerima’s mini - 70 ALLIGATOR MUSICAL Nasrudin’s caravan comes up and takes up the rear ARRIVAL DUMB SHOW (unwittingly) . (Sequence 70) (Sequence 71) 10. Anwar finishing his act. The music does a long trill Dissolve in. This sequence is all done in as the sound comes in pantomime, with silent film The Vizier alligator-sled again. arriving at the closed type chase music. Persian court doors. He is Cuts. ANWAR: covered in dust. The 1. Nasrudin’s caravan And thus did alligators are panting crossing rope bridge in Nasrudin betray the horribly and the Vulture is Himalayas. Persian Throne, the sitting exhausted on the State and the Trust sled, covered with dust. 2. Anwar the Grand Vizier and the Persian King silhouetted placed in him by you - Two of Anwar’s left-behind through a lit window of the in your Great Wisdom! Sycophants rush up. court, Anwar doing his act He collapses on the floor in about Nasrudin’s treachery. ANWAR: front of the Persian King. 3. Nasrudin’s caravan My friends, Nasrudin Cut. has averted war with crossing desert. Sign on the India - but, I will yet edge of the desert covered in vultures says ‘You are now win the day! -charge leaving the Registan Desert - him with treason, I We hope too many of you did will. not perish’ There is clearly He goes to the door demarcated green grass on the other side of the sign. 4. More Anwar acting to Oh! Take care of my Persian King in court. alligator friends. 5. Nasrudin’s caravan on Pushing the doors open board ship in storm. and running in to the 6. More Vizier. acting. Persian King, 7. Nasrudin’s caravan in Persian mountains. Majesty, News From 8. More Anwar in front of full India! Traitor! court. 9. Early Tibet - India sign-post. KING: The army (Nasrudin’s early Nasrudin is a traitor? advance guard) is marching Dissolve. back from Tibet, Snow and icicles hanging from then. As the last of them turns on to the main road back to Persia,

71 WIFE IN INDIA Polish it! Clean PERSIAN yourselves up! Get rid (Sequence 72) of those women! COURT Dissolve in. Clean this! Move . (Sequence 73) The still smouldering half- that! Bring in flowers Cut to the Persian Court. destroyed Indian Court. over there! Change the Trumpets announce The Mogul is on the throne, water in the vases! Nasrudin’s arrival. battered, with his cut and Sponge those blood Court Herald, calling out. bleeding women. stains! Fix that roof ! Nasrudin’s wife storms in HERALD: the door. Truculently and reluctantly, wounded and broken, the Mulla Nasrudin - KERIMA: Indians drag themselves Your Majesty’s Where’s Nasrudin? around doing what she Ambassador To India says. - Begs Leave To MOGUL: KERIMA! Report To Your Do You Know Who I Majesty! Am, Woman? I Am continuing, The Great Mogul! Wash your face! King nods - Grunt Emperor Of India! Change your shirt! ANWAR: Ruler Of... Don’t bite your nails! Bid Him Enter! Don’t suck your KERlMA: thumb ! Move that Cut. How can you be rubbish! Clean that! emperor! Just look at Clean this! this place! Full of old rubbish! And those Fix that up! shameless women! Cut to the Mogul, amazed. Clean it up immedi- ately! Put it in order! Filthy! Dirty! Filthy! Dirty’ Full of rubbish! Never seen anything like it! Throw out all the rubbish! Dust it! Wipe it!

72 POLISHED MOGUL COURT (Sequence 74) Back to Indian Court, in long shot. It is absolutely glistening, immaculate and clean like a soap advertisement. Clean shaven men - No women. Track in to Kerima, dusting her hands off at the foot of the Mogul’s throne. MOGUL: sitting there, on his glistening throne, leans forward, hands together, Madam, Would You Consent To Accept The Position Of Grand Vizier? Short music stab.

73 PERSIAN NASRUDIN: ANWAR: COURT rubs nose, reflectively, for a as he is falling, bit, My Friends... . CLIMAX I don’t know about Cut to the bottom of the (Sequence 75) protocol ... but I do alligator pit. The alligators are know that the full Cut back to Persian Court. now completely skin and moon is about to bone, not having had Nasrudin rides up to the wane and the new anything to eat since they throne on his donkey, puts moon is still growing met Anwar. his feet down and the donkey walks away. - with its greatest Cut back to the outside of Nasrudin walks up to the glories ahead of it. the pit as we hear steel trap steps of the throne and noises of jaws snapping and KING: bows. ripping. The three ghouls I am more than look down in the pit and Iook ANWAR: pleased, friend horrified at what they see. attacking, Nasrudin They bring their hands to their mouths to prevent Majesty, this man is (patronizingly) guilty of High being sick. at the result of your The clacking and rending Treason, If not worse! unorthodox methods! We have incontrovert- continues as we pan up to a You have averted war niche, where Anwar’s ible evidence that he and our country is Vulture cackles hysterically addressed the Great saved! From now on, and plummets down into the Mogul of India by you will be known by pit, for a bite. one of your titles! the special title of Chumping and rending Thus changing his Emissary! continues as we cut back to allegiance and the King. bringing your title Now, turning half left to into disrepute! Anwar, KING: KING: Nasrudin, may I offer KING: you the position of And as for you... fully awake and shouting, Grand Vizier? Anwar... you are from The sages have wisely this moment - no NASRUDIN: said that to every longer grand vizier! perfection there is an What ?! How could I imperfection! Why Throw him to his possibly accept - now did you refer to me as own alligators’ I have seen with my own eyes what the ‘new moon’ ? The three Persian ghouls zip in and cart Anwar off. happened to my Fast cuts to court reactions - predecessor? Same music as ‘bread’ trial Camera follows. They throw him into the pit (he is not He bows - Music starts and Cut to Anwar, rubbing his worried) . Nasrudin backs up, still hands, gloating and bowing, to a door shaped snickering. exactly like himself, opens it, fits exactly through it, Closes 74 it. END SCENE (Sequence 76) Cut to a Charlie Chaplin type road, in perspective, into sunset. Bach-like choir and orchestra singing The End - The End - The End - The End - The End _ Nasrudin pads off into the distance, but he stays the same size the further he walks. And since everything else is in perspective and he stays the same size, he gives the impression of becoming enormous as he disappears over the hill.

Fade to black.

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