Global Trash Hash Hymnal

Unabridged Edition Hashers are circled up for 'Father Abraham" before one of the runs of the USA Nash Hash held in and near Birmingham Alabama in 1998. Edited by Songmaster

The Circle

The Hash House Harriers usually circle up to sing lyrics and to perform various ceremonies associated with the group. The circle is a place of camaraderie, humor, song and beer. By placing all in a circle facing the Songmaster or RA, you place every hasher facing each other as well and make a more friend- ly gathering. Circles are formed while waiting on hares to get a head start and will inevitably be formed at the finish for beer and song. served. These pages may be copied in part, but not the whole, for use by hounds Global Trash and hares or rugby groups in their newsletters and distributed to their local mem- bers.

Lyrics collected in these pages came from many sources and are assumed to be in the public domain. If a real and legal copyright exists on any of these lyrics Hash and publishing on these pages is forbidden by the copyright holder, ONLY the true copyright holder should contact the editor for information on removal in future editions, in writing at: Hymnal Global Trash Unabridged Edition 402 Wendy Circle Ragland, AL 35131 USA For latest contact info and largest HHH resource browse http://www.worldhhh.com/

The editor collected these lyrics from 1968 unto present day. The first big jump in the collection came thanks to a copy of the 1962 Singapore HHH song book, then the Bonn HHH songbook. Later major contributors in order of their signifi- Editor and Songmaster: cance in contribution are ZiPpY, Flying Booger and Mu-Sick. There is a host of Stray Dog others too numerous to mention here (not that I can remember them anyway). Some have complained that the editor has failed to list the author or source of all the lyrics, but the truth is, in many cases, the author is anonymous for various reasons. For example, I have written several lyrics, good and bad, on these pag- es, but I certainly do not care for the credit (nor the blame) for them. I am re- warded simply to hear them now and then at an interhash and that is quite enough for me. Others probably do not want their names associated with dirty For information on more lyrics. Some are simply unknown and lost over the years. Then you have other Global Trash publications, people trying to lay claim to lyrics, simply because they added a verse or two or browse the world=s largest turned a phrase on a popular lyric. For them, I say, "Get a life!" To keep the squabbling down, I tried not to mention any authors, as most hashers really do Hash House Harriers resource: not care. Those who crave recognition and did write the whole set of lyrics (not just one or two verses) should again contact the editor for recognition. If you are The World HHH Home Page really upset and cannot wait until the next edition, I suggest you seek recognition http://www.worldhhh.com/ in the circle, like any good hasher.

Copyright and Credits Copyright 1985-2011 under trade name Global Trash by Larry J. McDowell dba Global Publications and Software, a not for profit organization, all rights re- Global Trash Hash Hymnal

Unabridged Edition Hash Hymnal Unabridged Edition

The Hash House Harriers began chasing hares in Kuala Lumpur, Malay- Table of Contents sia in 1938. Put together a group of British around the beer after a bit of sport and there will be more sport in the singing. These lyrics are somewhat bawdy for the puritanical soul. As stated in the Singapore HHH songbook from many Category Begins with Hymn Number: years ago, they are:

"Songs that your mother never taught you". Ceremonial Songs Down Down Songs 1 However, to the traditional Hasher, they are the perfect addition to trail, The Birthday Songs 26 beer and down downs. A good Songmaster can liven up even the most boring For Calls to the Circle 30 circle. Many of these lyrics were spawned from the pubs, rugby fields and ship In the Circle 33 decks of the British Empire. Regardless of their source, anywhere hashers gath- Wedding Songs 44 er to drink and sing, a bawdy lyric or two will usually creep in. For more on For the Start 45 sources, see copyright page. Farewell 46 Some of you will probably find one of your favorites missing from this collection. I have tried to include every lyric, good and bad, I have collected over the years. However, I have not included every lyric you may see in other Holiday Songs collections, because I have tried to avoid copyrighted lyrics whenever I have Christmas 48 been keen enough to recognize them. Therefore, all of these lyrics should be in Father's Day 95 the public domain. (If you recognize otherwise, please read the copyright page Halloween 98 on how to let me know. Thanks.) Independence Day (U.S.) 99 The lyrics may vary some from those you sing. What I have tried to do Martin Luther King Day 103 is to choose the version which is closest to the original, unless meter, rhyme or Mother's Day 104 real worldwide popularity is associated with a newer version. These lyrics were New Years 105 born in obscurity and spread by word of mouth and like the popular children's St. Paddy's Day 106 game of Rumor, have been more than likely changed before finally being written Thanksgiving 107 down. I have found that there is a geographical and sometimes geopolitical vari- ation to many of the lyrics. Some lyrics take a jab at cultures and nationalities Valentine’s Day 108 and it was all done in bad taste, but I hope my readers are hashers enough to un- derstand the humor. As it seems many nations are included in the joke, none Songs Your Mother Never Taught You 109 should take offense, but enjoy the plight of the others. I hope you enjoy them The Limericks 554 all. The Recitations & Cadences 557

On On! Stray Dog Don't That Bastard Get any Bigger?...195 Happy Birthday Fuck You...26 Global Trash Down Down Beer...13 Happy Birthday to You...28 Down in Wyoming...196 Happy, Happy Birthday Hasher... 29 Hash Hymnal Drink...197 Happy Wank Song...246 Unabridged Edition Drink, Drink, Drink to Hamersley Hash House Harri- Hark the Harriet Spinsters Sing...60 ers...198 Harlot of Jerusalem, The...247 Index of Song Numbers Drink, Drink, Drink!...12 Harriette The Tattooed Hasher...248 Drunken Hasher...199 Harriettes, They Play One...249 Drunken Sailor...200 Harvest of Love...250 A Christmas Carol...48 Bike Week...149 Dumb Shit...39 Has Anybody Seen J.C.?...251 A Christmas Poem...49 Bitch a Dog...150 Dunkirk...201 Has Anybody Seen R J?...252 A Few of My Favorite Hash Things...109 Blessing of the Hares...36 Durex is a Girl's Best Friend...202 Hash Dog...19 A Few of My Favorite Things...110 Bloody Hare...151 Dying Harlot...203 Hash House Harrier...253 A Hash Disgrace...15 Born Dead...152 E-Coli Man, The...204 Hash House Harriers, The...11 A Is For A...557 Boy Meets Girl...153 Eat-Bite Song...205 Hash Hymn...47 A Little Christmas Poem...51 Boy's Song and Girl's Song, The...154 Emerald Coast HHH...206 Hash Rap...562 A Prayer...33 Breathalyzed...155 Engineer Song, The...207 Hash Road Song...254 A Small Hymn...34 By the Light...156 Eskimo Nell...561 Hash Virgin Serenade...255 A Virgin...111 Bye Bye Cherry...157 Farewell Song...46 Hash Wedding Song...44 A, You've Got Asshole Stains...112 Bye, Bye Blackbird...158 Fart, The...208 Hash, Hash, Hash...256 Aahlawetta...113 Cactus In My Y-Fronts...559 Farting Contest...209 Hasher Cadences - Honey Babe...563 Agana HHH Chant...558 Can You Walk a Little Way With It In?...159 Father...95 Hasher Cadences - Jerk Off...564 Alcoholic's Anthem...114 Can't Hash Today...160 Father Abraham...210 Hasher Chorus...61 All My Jism...115 Carolina...161 Fireman's Song...211 Hasher Man...257 All Things Dull and Ugly...116 Cats on the Rooftops...162 First Time...212 Hasher Men...258 Almost Persuaded...117 Chandler's Shop...163 Foggy Dew...213 Hasher Women...259 Aloha HHH Anthem...118 Chapped Hide...164 Follow the Hash...214 Hasher's Lament...565 Alphabet Song...119 Chicago...165 Fondle Me With Care...215 Hashmas Chopsticks...62 Amazing Hash...120 Chipmunks Roasting on an Open Fire...56 Fornication...216 Hashstones...10 Ancient Hash Song...52 Christopher And Alice...166 Found a Penis...217 Have You Got a Hard-On?...566 And So This is Hashmas...53 Christopher Robin...167 Ft. Eustis Down Down Song...18 He Ought to Be Publically Pissed Upon...3 Another Hasher Anthem...99 Clementine...168 Fuck a Duck...218 He'll be Coming Round the Yamanote Line...260 Are You Lonesome Tonight?...121 Clinton Baloney Song...169 Fuck the Giant Penis...219 He's A Cunt...261 Arkansas Hillbillies...122 Cock Robin...170 Fucking Hell She's Ugly...220 He's Got the Whole Bitch In His Hands...262 Arse Holes For Sale...123 Cold Winter's Evening...171 Full Moon Howlers, The...221 He's the Meanest...6 As I was walking...124 Colostomy's Best...172 Furburger King...222 Hello Penis...263 Auld Lang Syne...105 Columbo...173 Gang Bang...223 Here Cums Clinton...63 Austin Hash Song...125 Come Sit On My Face...174 Gay Caballero...224 Here's the Season...64 Bad King Hashmas...54 Consider Yourself...16 Gender Bender Song, The...225 Here's to Brother Hasher...7 Bagpipe Song, The...126 Copenhagen HHH Anthem...175 Get It Up...226 Herpes Family...264 Balad of the Monika Lewinski, The...127 Country Sunday School...176 Gilligan's Island, The Real Story...227 Herpes Song...265 Balham Vicar...128 Cow Kicked Nelly, The...177 Gimme That Old Time Religion...228 Hi Ho! Hi Ho! It's Off to the Burlesque Show...266 Balibago Mount Arayat High...129 Creak Goes the Muscle...178 Girl From Baltimore...229 Hitler Only Had One Ball...267 Ball of Kirriemuir...130 Creation Of A Pussy, The...560 Girl's Song, The...230 Hog Calling Time In Nebraska...268 Ball of Yarn...131 Cuckoo...179 Give It a Blow...59 Hong Kong Prayer...567 Ballad Of The Bobbit Hillbillies, The...132 Cucumber Song...180 Give Me A Clone...231 Hot Vagina...269 Ballad of OJ Simpson, The...133 Cum On Me...181 Give Me That Good Old Vino...232 How Ashamed I Was...270 Balls of O'Leary...134 Cumming Mother...182 Give a Little Whistle...233 How To Handle A Date...271 Banana Song, The...135 Daylight Come...183 Glorious, Victorious...234 Humoresque...272 Barcelona...136 De Ebonics Crimmus Pome...57 Gomez The Chihuahua...235 Huronia Valentine Hash Song...108 Barnacle Bill...137 Dead Dog Rover...184 Gonorrhea...236 Hymn for the Aged Cock...273 Barney's Hash Song...138 Dead Whore...185 Good Hash Lollipop, The...237 I Didn't Get Pissed....274 Bastard King of England...139 Deck the Halls (Politically Correct Version)...58 Good Ship Venus...238 I Don't Want To Sober Up...275 Be My Guest...140 Diamond Lily...186 Gracious Submission...239 I Don't Want to Be a Housewife...276 Be My Guest (female version)...141 Dickey Louse...187 Great Big Wheel...240 I Don't Want to Join a Convent...277 Beastiality's Best...142 Did You Ever See?...188 Green Grow the Rashes O...241 I Don't Want to Join the Army...278 Beat Goes On, The...143 Dinah...189 Gunga's Song...242 I Don't Want to Join the Navy...279 Beer Near, Oh Where's the Fucking Beer?...55 Do It Yourself Country and Western Song...190 Hail To The Chief...37 I Hashed It My Way...280 Bengali One So Long...144 Do Your Balls Hang Low?...191 Hallelujah, I'm A Bum...243 I Hit You Tree...20 Bicycle Built for Two...145 Do, Re, Mi, Drink...192 Handsome Hasher...244 I Like Cock...281 Big Bamboo...146 Does a Hasher?...17 Hanky Panky...245 I Like Cunt...282 Big Fat Ass...147 Doggies' Meeting...193 Happy Birthday Down Down Song...27 I Love My Wife...283 Big Red Rose...148 Don't Say No...194 I Love to Have a Beer...284 MacDonald's Farm...335 Okinawa Down Down Song...4 Rye Whiskey...440 I Need A Sheep...285 Madeline Schmidt...336 Old Brown Cow...389 S & M Girl, The...441 I Put My Hand...286 Mamas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Old Chisholm Trail...390 S & M Man, The...442 I Put My Lips...287 Hashers...337 Old Irish State...391 S&M&M&M Man Is Cumming To Town, The...76 I Saw Mommy Fucking Santa Claus...65 Man Trap...338 Old King Cole...392 Sally in the Alley...443 I Wish I Were an Oscar Meyer Weiner...288 Man, I'm Glad I'm a Man....570 Olly, Olly, Olly...35 Salome...444 I'll Never Leave Camp Again...289 Mary Ann Burns...339 On On...45 Salvation Army Song...445 I'll Never Piss Again...290 Mary Ann McCarthy...340 On Top of Old Sophie...393 Sammy Small...446 I'll Take the Left Leg...291 Mary Box...341 Once a Bloody Hasher...394 Santa Claus is Coming to Town...77 I'm Dreaming of a Pink Pussy...66 Mary in the Kitchen...342 One Hen Tongue Twister...571 Scotsman's Kilt, The...447 I'm My Own Grandpa...292 Masturbation...343 One Twat...395 Scrotum...448 I'm Your Mailman...293 Masturbation...344 One on the Table...396 Seven Nervous Days...449 I've A Bone For Christmas...67 Mayor of Bayswater's Daughter, The...345 One-Eyed Riley...397 Seven Old Ladies...450 I've Got a Start on a Twelve-Inch Hard On...294 Men...346 One-Eyed Trouser Snake...398 Sex Is Boring...451 I've Got the Clap Again...295 Men of the HH3...347 Or Would You Rather Be A?...399 Sexiatus Relievium...575 I've Only Half a Brain...296 Mobile...348 Oral Sex...400 Sexual Life of the Camel...452 If I Had a Hard On...297 Mockin' Bird Kill...349 Orlandos InterAmericas Hash Song...401 Sharp Operator...576 If I Were the Marrying Kind...298 Monk of Great Renown...350 Ou Est le Papier?...402 She Ain't Gonna Fuck No More...453 In Xanadu...568 Monks of Saint Bernard...351 Our GM...403 She Went for a Ride in a Morgan...454 Inbred Man...299 Monster Hash...98 Out of Towner, The...404 She's My Girl...455 Incest Time in Texas...300 Monte Carlo...352 Over the River And Through the Woods...405 Shiggy Fields...456 Incest is Best...301 Mooning in the Sun...353 Paper Hash Marks...406 Shiggy-Shaggy...9 Incontinence Is The Shits...302 Moonshiner, The...354 Patriotic Song...407 Shiner Beer...457 Inside Those Red Plush Breeches...303 Moose Song, The...355 Pecker Picker...408 Shitty Trail...458 Interhasher Anthem...30 More Beer...356 People in Pink Tutus...409 Short Cutter, The...459 Irian Jaya...304 Morgan's Pies...357 Peri Periwinkle...410 Silent Fart...78 It's A Small Dick...305 Mother...104 Pike's Peak Hashers...411 Silent Night...79 It's Only A Hasher Moon...306 Mother Hash...358 Pioneers...412 Sing Us Another One Do...556 It's the Same the Whole World Over...307 Mount Bonnell...359 Piss Off, Ya Wank...40 Sing a Song of Syphilis...460 Ivan Skavinsky Scavar...308 Mouthful of Singha...360 Pissanya, Shitanya...413 Sing, You Fucker, Sing! (Salutations)...31 Jenny Brown...309 Mr. Blue Balls...21 Poetry...572 Singha Cock...461 Jesus Saves Hashers...310 Mrs. Puggy Wuggy...361 Poor Lil...573 Singing in the Rain (see Zupata)...461 Jingle Balls...68 Municipal Sewerage Man...362 Poor Little Angeline...414 Sir Jasper...462 John Brown's Penis...311 Music Man...363 Portions of a Woman...415 Sixteen Checks...463 John Peel...312 My Big Banana...364 Precious Mem'ries...416 Sixteen Miles...464 Jonestown...313 My Dead Hash...365 Pretty Hasher...417 Skippy The Squirrel...465 Jungle Smell...69 My Favorite Presidential Things...366 Pretty Redwing...418 Sod 'Em All...466 Just a Gigolo...314 My Girl's a Vegetable...367 Pubic Hairs...419 Somebody Puked On Me...467 Keep On Hashing (Regardless of 1997)...315 My God How the Money Rolls In...368 Put Your Leg Over My Shoulder...420 Sound of Hashers...468 Keyhole Song...316 My Grandfather's Cock...369 Put Your Legs Round My Shoulders...421 Southside Parade...469 King of the Nerds...317 My Kind of Girl...370 Queen Berets...422 Spiders In My Hair...470 Lady Hardonna...318 My Little Pink Panties...371 Queen of All the Fairies...423 Square Dance...471 Large Balls...319 My Mother-in-Law...372 Rajah of Aatrakhan...424 Street of the Thousand Assholes...577 Leaver's Song...320 My One Skin Hangs Down to My Two Skin...373 Rap It Up!...574 Subic Hashional Anthem...472 Legal Night Before Christmas, The...70 My One Tit Hangs Down to My Two Tit...374 Rawhide...425 Suck-Swallow...22 Leprosy...321 My Sombrero...375 Red Rag in the Sunset...426 Suckanya...473 Let Me Ball You Sweetheart...322 Naming Song...376 Redneck Mother...427 Sunstroke, Syphilis, and Varicose Veins...474 Let's Have a Party...323 Nancy Brown...377 Restroom Door Said Gentlemen, The...74 Super Hasher...475 Life Presents a Dismal Picture...324 Necrophilia Song...378 Return To Sender...428 Supercallousflagellisticexpectcunnilingus...476 Limericks...554 Necrophilia's Best...379 Rhode Island Red...429 Sweet Antoinette...477 Lionhunt Song...569 Nellie Darling...380 Ring the Bell Verger...430 Sweet Nell...478 Little Bird...325 Nelly 'Awkins...381 Ringadangdoo...431 Sweet Violets...479 Little Bit Off the Top...326 Next Thanksgiving...107 Rip My Knickers Away...432 Swilligan's Island...480 Little Brown Mouse...327 Nice Girls...382 Road to Gundagai...433 Swing Low...481 Little Brown Shitter in the Vale, The...328 No Balls at All...383 Rodriguez the Mexican Pervert...555 Tale Of Poor Dave, The...578 Little Late Bastard, The...71 None is Bigger Than Mine...384 Roedean School...434 Teddy Bears' Picnic...482 Little Red Train...329 North Atlantic Squadron...385 Roll Me Over in the Clover...435 Teddy the Red-Nosed Senator...80 Lobster Song...330 O - Ducks...386 Roll Your Leg Over...436 Ten Sticks of Dynamite...483 Loopy...331 O Cum, Interhashers...72 Rub-A-Dee-Dub...437 That Old Toyota Truck...484 Lulu...332 Ode to a Hasher...387 Rubber Dickie...438 The Day I Found the Hash...485 Lumberjack Song...333 Oh Little Mug of Lager Beer...73 Rudolph the Rednosed Hasher...75 The Farting's Over...486 Lydia the Tattooed Lady...334 Oh! Susanna...388 Rule Britannia...439 The Hashers Go Running One by One...487 The Shady Bunch...488 When Johnny Comes Marching Home...524 There Was a Little Bird...23 When Lady Jane Became a Tart...525 There Was an Old Farmer...489 When the End of the Month Rolls Around...526 There is a Hash In New Orleans...490 Where Is Our Beer?...43 There is a House In Nittany Valley...491 Where, Oh Where...14 These Foolish Things...492 While the Kiwis Shagged...93 They Call The Wind Maria...493 Whip It Out at the Ball Game...527 They're Moving Father's Grave to Build A Sewer...96 White Hashmas...94 Things Go Better with Coke...494 White House HHH Anthem...528 This Old Man...495 White House Nights...529 Three Blind Wanks...496 Who Is in the Kitchen with Ah Hin?...530 Three German Officers...497 Who Killed Cock Robin?...531 Three Visiting Hashers...498 Who Needs Sex?...532 Tinker, The...499 Who's Who...32 Tired of Life...500 Why Are We Waiting?...2 Toasts...38 Why Was He (She) Born So Beautiful?...5 Tokyo Hash Song...501 Wild Hasher, The...533 Tool of My Father...97 Wild West Show...534 Traditional Down Down Song...1 Will You Marry Me?...535 Traditional Down Down Song II...24 Will You Miss Me Tonight?...536 Traditional Down Down Song III...25 Wish You Were Beer...537 Traveler, The...502 Woodpecker's Song...538 Triangle, The...579 Working Men...539 Twas The Night Before Christmas...81 Would You Like to Sit on My Face?...540 Twelve Bugs of Christmas, The...82 Yank My Doodle...100 Twelve Days After Christmas, The...83 Yankee Doodle Dandy...101 Twelve Days of Christmas, The...84 Yankee Hasher...102 Twelve Days of Interhash, The...85 Yellow Ryder Truck...541 Twelve Days of Interhashing, The...86 Yellow is the Color...542 Twelve Days of Ramadan, The...87 Yesterday...543 Twelve Redneck Days of Christmas, The...88 Yo' Mama...582 Twinkie, Twinkie, Little Hasher...503 Yogi Bear...544 Two Digits for a Date...504 You Ain't Nothin' But a Hasher...545 Two Hashers...505 You Are My Hashit...546 Uneasy Hasher...506 You Are Sixteen Going on Seventeen...547 Up Jumped the Monkey...580 You Take the Legs Off Betty Grable...548 Vagina...507 You Won't Find Any Country...549 Vegetables Are The Best...508 Your Hand Was Made To Stroke My Gland...550 Viagra...509 Yukon Lil...583 Vicar in the Dockside Church...510 Zip Me Up After You Blow Blow...551 Virgin Sturgeon...511 Zoological Gardens...552 Vlad...512 Zulu Warrior...8 Waklin' 'Round in Womens's Underwear...89 Zupata...553 Walking Down Canal Street...513 Walrus and the Carpenter...514 Wanky's Beers...515 Was It You Who Did the Pushin'...516 Waves and Waves...517 We Go Hashing...518 We Got Married...519 We Shall Over Cum...103 We Wish You A Merry Hash...90 We Wish You a Merry Hashmas...91 We're Harriets Three...92 We're Here Because...41 Wedding Song...520 Wee Wee Song...521 Wet Spot's Wail...522 What a Wank...42 When I Was a Little Girl...523 When I Was a Young Man...581 When Irish Guys Start Smiling...106 5 Here's to brother hasher(s),Brother hasher(s), Ceremonial Songs He (she) ought to be publicly pissed upon. Why Was He (She) Born So Beautiful? brother hasher(s), He (she) ought to be publicly shot (Bang Bang!) (Done as a tribute to hasher, usually after a Here's to brother hasher(s), He (she) ought to be tied to a urinal down down song, but sometimes as the down May he (they) chug-a-lug. Down Down Songs And kept there to fester and rot. down song.) (Sometimes mooning the recipient) He's (Their) happy, he's (their) jolly, 1 (If used as a down down song:) Why was he (she) born so beautiful, He's (Their) fucked up by golly, Traditional Down Down Song Drinking down, down, down, down, Why was he (she) born at all. Here's to brother hasher(s), Down, down, down, down, He's (she's) no fucking use to anyone, May he (they) chug-a-lug. Here's to _____, he's true blue. Down, down, down, down, He's (she's) no fucking use at all. He's a hasher through and through, Down, down, down, down. He (she) might be a joy to his (her) mother,But So drink motherfucker(s), He's a pisspot so they say. (Continue until down down is finished, he's (she's) a pain in the asshole to me! Drink motherfucker(s), Tried to get to heaven, or go into "Why are you waiting".) (Sometimes mooning the recipient) Drink motherfucker(s), But he went the other way. (If used as a down down song:) Drink motherfucker(s), Drinking down, down, down, down, 4 Drinking down, down, down, down, Here's to brother hasher(s), Down, down, down, down, Okinawa Down Down Song Down, down, down, down, May he (they) chug-a-lug. Down, down, down, down, Down, down, down, down, Drinking down, down, down, down, Down, down, down, down. This is the song Okinawa used from its first Down, down, down, down. Down, down, down, down, (Continue or go to "Why Are We Waiting") hashes, which spread to many others over the (Continue until down down is finished, or go Down, down, down, down, years. Started on cue, originally in Japanese, into "Why are you waiting".) Down, down, down, down. 2 from the RA, English is used in other hashes: (Continue until down down is finished, Why Are We Waiting? "Readyyy, Go!". Also sang in some hashes to (Alternate verse to a harriette) or go into "Why are you waiting".) (To: Oh, Come All Ye Faithful) liven up a drinking contest. Why was she born so beautiful? Good for slow drinkers at the Down Down, Why was she born a bitch? 8 hurrying up barmaids or slow beermasters. Here's to _____ he's (she's) a damn fine guy She's no bloody use to anyone, Zulu Warrior (gal). She's only got one tit. Why are we waiting, Here's to _____ he's (she's) a damn fine guy Ola zooma zooma zooma, Could be masturbating, (gal). 6 Ola zooma zooma chief, Oh, why are we wa-ai-ting, So drink, chug-a-lug, chug-a-lug, chug-a-lug, He's the Meanest Drink it down you Zulu warrior, (To: Okinawa Down Down Song) So fuck-ing long. chug-a-lug, chug-a-lug, chug-a-lug, chug-a-lug. Drink it down you Zulu chief, Why are we wait-ing, Here's to _____ he's (she's) a horse's ass! Drink it down you Zulu warrior, Could be fornicating, Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey! He's the meanest, Drink it down you Zulu chief, chief, chief! Oh, why-y are we wait-ing? Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey! He sucks the horse's penis, Oh, why-y are we wait-ing? (Continue until down down is finished, or go He's the meanest, 9 Oh, why-y are we wait-ing, into "Why are you waiting".) He's a horse's ass. Shiggy-Shaggy So fucking long! Used when someone screws up, a popular vote (repeat as needed) All he does is pound it, to encourage a down down. This is also used as Ever since he found it, a replacement for "Down down down down" (Cleaner version for public singing.) He's the meanest, while waiting for a slow drinker. Why are we wait-ing, He's a horse's ass. Why-y are we waiting, Shiggy-Shaggy, Shiggy-Shaggy Oh, why are we wa-ai-ting He's always pissing on us, Oi! Oi! Oi! So bloody long? He's rotten and dishonest, Shiggy-Shaggy, Shiggy-Shaggy Why are we wait-ing, He's the meanest, Oi! Oi! Oi! etc... Why-y are we wa-ai-ting? He's a horse's ass. (Continue until down down is completed.) Oh, why-y are we wait-ing? Drinking down, down, down, down, 10 Oh, why-y are we wait-ing?Oh, why-y are we Down, down, down, down, Hashstones wait-ing, Down, down, down, down, (To: The Flintstones) So bloody long? Down, down, down, down. (Continue or go to "Why Are We Waiting") Hashers, meet the Hashers, 3 7 They're the biggest drunks in history. He Ought to Be Publically Pissed Upon Here's to Brother Hasher From the hash of (your hash or city here), Done to humble a hasher, usually after a down (To: Ach, Du; Lieber Augustin) They're the leaders in debauchery. down song, but sometimes as the down down You may substitute sister for brother. Half minds, trailing shiggy through the years. song. Watch them, as they down a lot of beers. (same tune as first four lines) Drink it up, drink it up, 'til it is gone. (Continue or go to "Why Are We Waiting") Can he drink a mug of beer, Down down, down down down down, While his friends all sing and cheer, Down, down down down down down down, Drink, drink, drink, you slow hash-er, (BBBLLLHHH! Raspberry, on a hot day can be Now your time has come, down, down. Lift, your beer and be merry this day, done with a shower of beer from a well shaken Drinking down, down, down, down… etc. Down down, down down down down, Drink, drink, drink, you poor bastard, can, or like Hee Haw, just spittle at the pack!) Down, down down down down down down, Wimp, why can't you just drain it away. 18 down, down! (After chorus, repeat last verse and chorus for 15 Ft. Eustis Down Down Song (Repeat until down down is finished, slow drinkers until done.) A Hash Disgrace or go into "Why are you waiting".) (To: Amazing Grace) We're the ______Hashers, 13 We're glad to be here, 11 Down Down Beer A hash disgrace, We'll shortcut your trails, The Hash House Harriers (To: Jingle Bells) I (we) missed this place, and drink all your beer! (To: Addams Family) Another, more seasonal, down down alternative. More than twice Ya'll know. For this my (our) crime, We'll fuck all your women, Their drinking is compulsive and, Dashing down the trail, I'll (we'll) do my (our) time, and puke in your car, Their running is convulsive. With the hashers on your tail, A down down it must go! We're the ______Hashers, They're morally repulsive, With whistles blowing near, The best Hash by far!!! The Hash House Harriers. You make it to the beer! Ohhhh... For telling lies, Of criss crossed thighs, (To Violators) Chorus And I (we) will masturbate. (Snap fingers twice with words "Down Down") Down down beer, We all know ______, Down down beer, Pack: Da da da da, Down Down. You are a swine, You worthless, sniveling piece of trash Da da da da, Down Down. Down down all the way. So do your down down and go! Lift that mug of Christmas cheer, Now you've gone and shown your ass!!! Da da da daa, Da da da daa, GM: And drink the hasher way-ay! Da da da da, Down Down. (Alternate for Harrierette) Your behaviors unfit!!! Down down beer, Their flatulence is rude and, Now go and cum and run for fun, RA: Down down beer, Their genitals protrude when, Drink your beer and foam, You must learn Hash Tradition!!! Down down all the way. They're running in nude in, And don't forget to lick your lips, Pack: Lift that mug of Christmas cheer, The Hash House Harriers. While I give your hips my bone! So charge your vessel and assume the position And drink the hasher way-ay! On your knees, Asshole! (sarcastic)

Drink it down, down, down, down... They're always shiggy tracking, Drinking down, down, down, down, Drink it down, down, down , down ....etc.

From constantly bushwhacking, Down, down, down, down, 16 Consider Yourself Intelligence they're lacking, Down, down, down, down, (For the slow drinker…) (To: Consider Yourself) The Hash House Harriers. Down, down, down, down. (Slow)

Down, down, down, down, down, down, (Continue or go to "Why Are We Waiting") Drink it down Down, down, down, down, down, down, down, 14 Consider yourself, On Home, (Fast) Down, down, down, down, down, down, Where, Oh Where Consider yourself, one of the harriers, Drink it down, drink it down, drink it down Down, down, down, down, down, down. (To: Where, Oh Where Are You Tonight from We've taken to you, so strong, (Slow) (Continue until down down is finished, Hee Haw) It's clear, we're, going to get along. Drink it down or go into "Why are you waiting".) (Fast) 12 Drink it down, drink it down, drink it down Where, oh where were you hashing last time? Consider yourself, Vir-gin, Drink, Drink, Drink! Why did you leave us here all alone? Consider yourself, part of festivities, (To: Drink, Drink, Drink) Just grab up that mug, don't fear, All this time that it's taking, Drinker begins at start of song. Really good to We hashed the world over, While you tried to get some, And drink, up, or wear your next beer. I know that they're faking, encourage new hashers and slow drinkers. Drinking down, down, down, down... etc. We could be masturbating, You met another, And BBBLLLHHH! You was gone! I fear, Drink, drink, drink, you great hash-er, Alternate Ending: 17 Now we've run out of song, Lift, your beer and be merry this day, You went to another, Does a Hasher? And we won't get a long, Drink, drink, drink, you mad hash-er, And BBBLLLHHH! Now you drink!) (To: Sailor's Hornpipe) Until you finish, Quick, like hashers and drain it away. ...That Fucking Beer!!!! Drink it down, down, down, down, Does a hasher like to walk, Chorus Down, down, down, down, Does a hasher like to run, 19 Join all the hashers who down-downed before, Down, down, down, down, Does a hasher like to be, Hash Dog Merrily, merrily, drinking some more. Down, down, down, down. Where they're having all the fun? (To: Bird Dog) Don't lose it over your head when you're done, Horny is a bastard (From the Hash) A very sneaky bastard (From the Hash) He'll (she'll) never to get to heaven, If you hash you’ll live a while, But when he fucks my honey (He's a Dog) Slap your ass cheeks 'round that ice hole, In a long, long way. And hit the trail another da-ay. He doesn't give me money (What a Dog) It's a fact, Drinking down, down, down, down… etc. Horny is a hasher that's a tryin' to steal my baby It's irrefutable, Happy, happy birthday hasher, (He's a Hash Dog) It's cold right on your pubicals. 25 Though your knees are getting weak, Down down, down down down downnn. Traditional Down Down Song III Down down, down down, down down down Zip-a-dee-do-dah, zip-a-dee-day, Where else can you get laid, downnn. Down-downs are better than your miserable lay. Here's to _____, he don't screw, And get sex that is not paid, He's a asshole, through and through, Your getting younger as we speak! Chorus Mr. Blue Balls formed an icicle He's a shithead, so they say, Drinking down down down down… etc. Hey, Hash Dog get away from my tail, He's all cold, Tried to be a hetro, Hey, Hash Dog you're on the wrong trail. And furry too, But he went the other way. Hash Dog you'd better leave my little pussy love Better find a real warm screw. Drinking down, down, down, down… etc. alone... Hey, Hash Dog get away from my chick, Oh, zip-a-dee-do-dah, zip-a-dee-day, Hope you like ice, Birthday Songs Hey, Hash Dog you'd better put away your dick. Hash Dog you'd better find a little pus-sy of 'Cause that's where you'll stay. your own. Drinking down, down, down, down… etc. 26 Down down down, down down down downnn. 22 Happy Birthday Fuck You Down down, down down, down down down Suck-Swallow (To: Happy Birthday) downnn. (Chanted. Used as a replacement for "down, Happy birthday, fuck you, down, down, down" to hurry slow drinkers.) Happy birthday, fuck you, Happy birthday, you asshole, 20 Suck, swallow Happy birthday, fuck you. Hitler Only Had One Ball Suck, swallow Drinking down, down, down, down… etc (To: Colonel Bogey March) Suck, swallow Note: You can substitute local hashnames for Breeathee! 27 the four Nazis: Suck, swallow Happy Birthday Down Down Song Suck, swallow (To: Okinawa Down Down Song)

Hitler, he only had one ball, Suck, swallow Breeathee! Here's to ______, he's (she's) true blue, Goering, had two but very small, It's his (her) birthday, boo hoo hoo, Himmler had something sim'ler, (Continue until down down is finished, or go into "Why are you waiting".) He (She) is (age) if she's a day, But poor old Goebbels had no balls at all. Wishes he (she) was younger,

23 But there's no way! (To same tune) There Was a Little Bird Drinking down, down, down, down… etc Down down, (To: There Was A Little Bird) Down down down down down down. 28 Down down, There was a little bird, Happy Birthday to You Down down down down down down. No bigger than a turd, (To: Happy Birthday) Down down, A-sittin' on a telephone pole. Down down down down down, He ruffled up his neck, Happy birthday to you, Down down down down down, And shit about a peck, Happy birthday to you, Down down down, Down Dowwwn. He puckered up his little asshole. You look like a hasher, . (point at each of the violators) And you smell like one too. 21 Asshole, asshole, asshole, asshole, Drinking down, down, down, down… etc Mr. Blue Balls He puckered up his little asshole. (To: Zip-A-Dee-Do-Dah) Drinking down, down, down, down… etc. 29 Note: Good for down downs on ice. Happy, Happy Birthday Hasher 24 (To: Happy, Happy Birthday Baby) Zip-a-dee-do-dah, zip-a-dee-day, Traditional Down Down Song II My oh my oh, what a miserable lay. Haring is great but, Here's to _____, he's (she's) true blue. Happy, happy birthday hasher, Beerings the best, He's (she's) a hasher through and through. Though your old and growing grey, Time for your down-down, He's (she's) a pisspot, so they say. Here’s a beer to make you smile, Put ice on the chest. Calls to the Circle ______, ______! (Name repeated twice) Who pisses off the Pack: everytime he speaks. 35 Songmaster: Who never sings aloud in the down down circle. Olly, Olly, Olly (A cheer to get the pack rev'd up.) 30 Who's the bastard of the ______Hash, Who's leaving now for a piece of tail. Interhasher Anthem Who goes home with the hash bash cash. (Make up your own verses) (To: Pomp and Circumstances) Pack: Songmaster: Olly, Olly, Olly! ______, ______, ______, piss off! (Name re- Pack: Oii, Oii, Oii! peated 3 times) In the Circle Songmaster: Olly, Olly, Olly! Come on Interhashers, Lift your beers and shout. Pack: Oii, Oii, Oii! Songmaster: Olly! We are interhashers, 2 33 What we've got we flout. Songmaster: A Prayer Pack: Oii! Close the narrow circle, Who's the bastard of the ______Hash, (To: Ach, Du Lieber, Augustin) Songmaster: Olly! Gather round the beer. Pack: Pack: Oii! ______, ______! Songmaster: Olly, Olly, Olly! Hashing, Wanking, Drinking, (Start as a chant. The chant alone without, That is why we're here. Songmaster: Pack: Oii, Oii, Oii! Who's the bastard of the ______Hash, the following song is frequently done by Hashing, Wanking, Drinking, RA's to start hashes or down downs.) Who rides herd on his own laid trail, 36 That is why we're here. Leader: And now, hashers, a prayer, Pack: Blessing of the Hares Leader: A Prayer for the constipated. ______, ______! (Chanted, usually by the RA before the hash 31 Response: SHIT! Songmaster: begins, with the pack repeating each line. Add Sing, You Fucker, Sing! Leader: A prayer for the inebriated. Who's the bastard of the ______Hash, or delete as needed.) (Salutations, used to coerce a hasher into sing- Response: PISS! Who rides herd on his own laid trail, ing.) Leader: A prayer for the frustrated. Who goes home with the hash bash cash. RA: Repeat after me. Pack: Response: FUCK! For a Harrier: Leader: A prayer for the dehydrated. Bless these hares, ______, ______, ______, piss off! Bless this trail, Response: BEER! We call upon ______, Leader: A prayer for the emasculated. Coppus no catch us, To give us a song, 3 Response: BALLS! Farmer no shoot us, So sing, you fucker, sing! Songmaster: Doggus no bite us, Who's the bastard of the ______Hash, And if you don't sing, (sing) Heatus no stroke us, You can show us your schwing. Pack: Plenty of cold beer to drink, ______, ______! Balls to Mr. Bengelstein, Bengelstein, We don't want to see your moldy old schwing! Bengelstein, Coitus non interruptus. So sing you fucker, sing! Songmaster: Bless the hares, Who's the bastard of the ______Hash, Balls to Mr. Bengelstein, dirty old man. Bless the hares, Who gets pissed if we miss a check, Fuck the hares! For a Harriette: He sits on the steeple and shits on the people, Pack: On On! ______, ______! So, balls to Mr. Bengelstein, dirty old man. We call upon ______, Songmaster: To give us a song, Who's the bastard of the ______Hash, He keeps us all waiting, while he's masturbat- So sing, you fucker, sing! Who gets pissed if we miss a check, ing, And if you don't sing, Who rides herd on his own laid trail, So, balls to Mr. Bengelstein, dirty old man. You can show us your tits. Pack: We don't want to see your sagging old tits! ______, ______! He tried Mrs. Bengelstein, but she's old and So sing you fucker, sing! Songmaster: rotten in-between, Who's the bastard of the ______Hash, So, balls to Mr. Bengelstein, dirty old man. 32 Who gets pissed if we miss a check, Who's Who Who rides herd on his own laid trail, He ups and he downs them, he fucking well (Done as cadence, usually led by RA. Used for a Who goes home with the hash bash cash. grounds them, person in the mismanagement with a sense of So, balls to Mr. Bengelstein, dirty old man. humor or used sparingly to test the humor of Pack: someone who is being a jerk at the hash. The ______, ______, ______, piss off! 34 blanks filled in by the name of the hash and the A Small Hymn name of the person in appropriate spots.) (Other lines to create more verses done as (Chant slowly with reverence.) 1 above.) Songmaster: Who short cuts in the first half mile. Who's the bastard of the ______Hash, Hymn, Hymn, Who pisses and shits all over the trail. Pack: Fuck him. Who never works checks or any bad trails. 37 And when she's dead and long forgotten, 41 Hail To The Chief I'll dig her up and fuck her rotten. We're Here Because To biermeister/hare/mismanagement: (To: Hail to the Chief (Sousa presidential fan- If I had a dog who could piss this stuff, (To: Auld Lang Syne) Where is our fucking beer? fare version.) This one was composed about the (Holding up a beer) We're here because we're here, We're getting thirsty here! time of the scandal in the Clinton presidency in And if I knew he could piss enough, Because we're here, This hash is very queer, the U. S. but works well when introducing the I'd tie his head to the foot of the bed, Because we're here, Without our fucking beer! GM, GME, Hash Master, etc.) And suck his dick till we both dropped dead. We're here because we're here, Because we're here, We ran from far and near, Hail to the Chief, our leader and our brother, Here's to the lady dressed in black, Because we're here. To drink your fucking beer, Morals and virtue, he teaches us integrity. Once she walks by she never looks back, (Repeat until interest wanes.) Can't wait another year, He'll fuck your wife, or your daughter or your And when she kisses, oh how sweet, We want our fucking beer! mother, She makes things stand that never had feet. 42 (Repeat as needed) They will blow him happily on bended knee. What a Wank Here's to me in my sober mood, (To: William Tell Overture) Long may he reign, he rules us like no o-other. When I ramble, sit, and think. What a wank, what a wank, what a wank, wank, Lift up your beers for sexual liberty! Here's to me in my drunken mood, wank. When I gamble, sin, and drink. What a wank, what a wank, what a wank, wank, wank. Wedding Songs (slower tempo) And when my days are over, Beer, broads and barfing round our cir-cle of And from this world I pass, What a wank, what a wank, what a wank, wank, wank. 44 friends, I hope they bury me upside down, Hash Wedding Song (faster) So the world can kiss my ass! What a wank, what a wank, wank, wank. (To: Amazing Grace) Hail to the Chief, we hope it nev-er ends. Pack song for a wedding hash, preceding down What a wank, what a wank, what a wank, wank, Times are hard, downs for bride and groom. wank, wank, wank, wank, wank, wank, wank, 38 And wages are small, What a wank, what a wank, what a wank, wank, Toasts So drink more beer, Today we wed ______to ______, And fuck them all. wank, wank, wank, wank wank. We heard them say "I do." Here's to the gash that never heals, Give it your best, What a wank, what a wank, what a wank, wank, The more you touch it the better it feels, 39 For the next forty years, wank, Rub it and tub it and scrub it like hell, Dumb Shit But first drink down your beers. What a wank, what a wank, what a wank, wank, You'll never get rid of that fishy old smell. (To: Refrain from Music Man. Used for some- For the Start wank, one who screws up at the down down.) 45 What a wank, what a wank, what a wank, wank, Here's to the girl that lives on the hill, On On wank, If she won't do it her sister will. Dumb, dumb, dumb shit, (To: Joyful, Joyful, We Adore Thee) What a wank, what a wank, wank, wank. Here's to her sister! Dumb shit, dumb shit, Good for starting out a hash or when the trail is

Dumb, dumb, dumb shit, cleared at a particularly difficult check. Here's to the breezes, Dumb, dumb, dumb. 43 Where Is Our Beer? That blow through the treeses, (Continue as needed.) On On On On On On On On, (To: Ta-ra-ra Boom De-Ay. Start slow and And lift the girls dresses , On On On On Onn, On-On, speed it up and raise the volume on repeats for Way over their kneeses, 40 On On On On On On On On, best effect.) And show us the creases, Piss Off, Ya Wank On On On On Onn, On-On.

That twitches and squeezes, (To: Auld Lang Syne) On On On On Onn, On-On On On, And teases and pleases, Piss off, ya wank, piss off, ya wank, To waitress: Onn, On-On On On On On Onnn. And carries diseases, Piss off, ya wank, piss off, Where is our bloody beer? On Onnn On On On On On On, By Jesus! Piss off, ya wank, piss off, ya wank, We're getting thirsty here! On On On On Onn, On-On. Piss off, ya wank, piss off. If you like tips my dear, Here’s to the Hare that lays our trail. Get us our bloody beer! Here’s to the beermaster who brings the piss. Here’s to the harriette who gives me tail. And here’s to another hash that I didn’t miss!

Here's to the girl that I love best, We ran from far and near, I lov’ ‘er her best when she's undressed, To drink your bloody beer, I fuck her sitting, standing, and lying, Can't wait another year, And if she had wings, I'd fuck her flying. We want our bloody beer! (Repeat as needed) Farewell swing them back and forth as though cradling a ward. 46 Songmaster says, 'Real Men', then men do cho- baby. Farewell Song rus in low, deep voices, exagerating the size of Sole - Point to bottom of shoe. (To: Auld Lang Syne) their penis in the 'cumin' gesture by hold both Cumin' - Cuff hand and make a masterbation We bid farewell to ______, hands apart in sweeping, two-handed masturbat- gesture. (Some hashers mask the motion with Still - (as in distiller) Make drinking gesture To hash in other lands, ing gesture and swinging hands low to the slight of hand by first moving the other hand with hand, moving head backward. We bid farewell to ______, ground with 'swing low'. behind their head and patting it a split seond To hash in other lands. before the masterbating gesture, sometimes Sweet - Kiss 1st and 2nd finger and thumb to- May all your hash trails end with beer, Songmaster says, 'Ray Charles' (alternately coughing at the same time). gether, throwing the kiss outward. May all your trails have beer, ‘Stevie Wonder’, then pack closes eyes and Chariot - Shake both hands outward as though We bid farewell to ______, sings chorus with gestures, moving head from holding the reins and make horse whinnying Swing Low - Intertwine fingers forming a cradle Now here is one more beer. side to side with the beat. noises. and with arms down, swing them back and Drinking down, down, down, down, forth. Down, down, down, down, Songmaster says, 'Humming', then pack hums Doo - Put hands on hips and squat as though Down, down, down, down, chorus with gestures. taking a crap. Tell - Put back of hand to mouth, rapidly mov- Down, down, down, down. ing thumb with fingers as in speaking gesture. (Continue or go to "Why Are We Waiting") Songmaster says, 'Silently', then pack does cho- Down - Put index and thumb together near

rus silently with gestures only, following the crotch as if holding a small penis then move the There - Point back over your shoulder with your lead of the songmaster. Songmasters who screw hand downward slightly and wiggle it briskly. index finger. 47 up the gestures significantly are traditionally Hash Hymn awarded a down down after the song. Four - Hold up four fingers. (To: Swing Low, Sweet Chariot. Sing with ges- Two - Hold up two fingers. tures, as actions speak much louder than words. Songmaster says, 'Helen Keller', then pack clos- Friends - Cuff fingers of left hand held outward Up - Cuff fingers in front as holding a long Standard hash benediction closing down- es eyes and does chorus silently with gestures in front, with thumb and index finger forming a downs.) only, saying "Wa Wa" at some point. penis then move the hand upward. circle. Rapidly insert and withdraw the index Songmaster says, 'Respect for the Hash Hymn' finger of the right hand into the circle in a uni- Songmaster says, ‘Scooby Do’, then pack uses versal fornication gesture. What - Hands out to side, palms up as in a ques- Chorus tion. Scooby Do type speech impediments to sing Swing low, sweet char-i-o-ot, Home - Hold arms above your head, fingers Cumin' four two carry me home... chorus. extended and touching together forming a 'roof' You - Point outward with index finger. Swing low, sweet char-i-o-ot, over your head. Cumin' four two carry me home. Songmaster says, 'Fast Finish', then pack sings

loud and fast with gestures) I looked over Jordon, Swing low, sweet char-i-o-ot, I - Point to your eye with your index finger And what did I see-ee, Cumin' four two carry me home... Cumin' four two carry me home... Swing low, sweet char-i-o-ot, I'm - Point to your chest with your index finger A band of An-gels, Cumin' four two carry me home. Cumin' after me-ee, (Slowly) Heavenly Bound - With hand holding foot, Cumin' four two carry me home... Cumin' four two carry me home. swing it into the air.

If you get there be-four I doo, Hash Hymn Gesture Dictionary Jordon - (River Jordon, traditional) Move hands Cumin' four two carry me home... outward, then right to left, wiggling fingers in a Tell all my friends I'm cumin' twoo, All - Make wide sweeping gesture with hands wave motion. (Michael Jordon, U.S.) Make a Cumin' four two carry me home... outward. basketball jump shot motion. (continued next page…) I'm sometimes up, I'm some-times down, Angels - Flap hands to side as though flying. Looked - Shading eyes with hand and moving Cumin' four two carry me home... head back and forth as if searching. But still my sole feels heav-en-ly bound, Band - Hold hands in front of you, cuffing the Cumin' four two carry me home... fingers and making a gesture as though playing Me or My - Point to your chest with your index the slide of a trombone. finger. Options using chorus: Over - Sweep hand from 'Looked' position out- Be-four - hold up four fingers. ward. Songmaster says, 'Harlots', then women do cho- rus in high pitched voices, screaming in high Carry - Put hands together in front and briskly See - Point index finger from 'I' position out- pitched, exagerated climax at the each pause. Holiday Songs and flows, A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision, Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his Each group of people, every religion; On Monday night great minds confer, nose Every ethnicity, every hue, To put the world to right. Christmas And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation, Everyone, everywhere...even you. Engineers and scientists, Demanding millions in over-due compensation. So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth... Politicians from Left and Right. 48 "May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on It really is a treasure trove, A Christmas Carol So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife, earth." Of wit and repartee, (To: Silent Night) Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life, Foul language is never heard, Sodomy, masturbate, Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a 51 Just the occasional "Cooee." Fellatio, copulate, whiz, A Little Christmas Poem Round the world and Hershey highway, Demanding from now on her title was Ms. This lofty band, Fornicating in the hay, Santa comes but once a year, This group most high, These are tricks that I lo-ove, And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion With lots and lots of toys. Gentlemen, one and all, These are tricks that I love. That making a choice could cause so much Dildos and lace for little girls, If only the world was made of such, commotion. Rubbers for little boys. Then life would be a ball. Con-on-dom, prophylactic, Nothing of leather, nothing of fur, Viagra for Dad, Spermicide does the trick. Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for Midol for Mom, In this modern world we find, IUD's and birth control pills, her. And whips and chains, Such violence and sin, Pull it out and let it spill, For Uncle Tom. Isn't it a comfort then, These will make it sa-afe, Nothing that might be construed to pollute. Santa comes but once a year, To find this band of men. These will make it safe. Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot. But what a frigging year! Whose only care is a maiden's prayer, Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise. And to keep them safe from harm. 49 Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys. 52 A Christmas Poem Nothing that claimed to be gender specific. Ancient Hash Song Oh, fret not, pretty maiden, (To: Sing to the popular tune for Chopsticks or Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific. A hasher will keep you warm. recite.) A hasher is a manly chap, Not only warm but fed and clothed, He's full of vim and vigor, No candy or sweets...they were bad for the With oils he'll anoint your body, And maidens gather round in droves, 'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a tooth. And all he wants in return, To see his manly figure. wreck... Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth. Is the occasional bit of nooky! Of flashing thighs and knobby knees, How to live in a world that's politically correct? And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden, He makes a splendid sight, His workers no longer would answer to "Elves". Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden. And when a Hasher's run is o'er, And all the girls do seek of him, "Vertically Challenged" they were calling them- For they raised the hackles of those psychologi- To the Golden Gate he goes. To spend with them the night, selves. cal St. Peter studies the Hash Cash book,

And labor conditions at the North Pole Who claimed the only good gift was one eco- To see what he might owe. Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul. logical. At this ancient sport he does excel, "Tha's fully paid, oop, no problem there, None is better in the land, And what's this I see here? Tis only on a Monday night, Four reindeer had vanished, without much pro- No baseball, no football...someone could get The likes of a bit of hot nooky, He needs a bit of a hand. priety, hurt; After a few cold beers. But Tuesday sees him big and bold, Released to the wilds by the Humane Society. Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt. Tha's just the sort we need oop 'ere, If a little red of eye, And equal employment had made it quite clear Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be So tha can move along, He tells himself he's not so old, That Santa had better not use just reindeer. passe; Vestal Virgins is on the left." And has another try. So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid, And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away. The hasher cried, "On-On!" As lovers go he is the best, Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that The girls cannot go wrong. looked stupid! So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed; 53 Where others limp and sweat and pant, He just could not figure out what to do next. And So This is Hashmas The hasher cries, "On-On!" The runners had been removed from his sleigh; He tried to be merry, tried to be gay, (To: And So This is Christmas)

The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A. But you've got to be careful with that word to- And people had started to call for the copsWhen day. Now you may think this splendid brute, And so this is Hashmas, they heard sled noises on their rooftops. His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground; Is more animal than man, And a happy new year, Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his work- Nothing fully acceptable was to be found. But concealed inside his lofty head, Get in a drunk punch-up, ers quite frightened. Is more than a empty beer can. And get socked in the ear. Of intellect he is most high, His fur trimmed red suit was called unenlight- Something special was needed, a gift that he (hold your ear, then) Long words come naturally, ened." might Aarh-aarh-aarh-aarh In more than a dozen languages, Give to all without angering the left or the right. He cries, "Jeez, I need a pee!" And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs And so this is Hashmas, With a wink and a leer, A fat old man was riding there, Although it's been said many times, many ways, Let's eat too much turkey, With frothing beard of grey. Merry Christmas, As he landed dat watta' mellon; And drink lots of beer. His steeds with horns were mighty queer, Merry Christmas, Out der in da skreet; (hold your belly) He heard the hashers say, Merry Christmas, I knowed it was fo' sho'; Aarh-aarh-aarh-aarh. Singing, "Beer Near, oh where is the fucking Screw you. Da damndest site I ebber did see. beer?" And so this is Hashmas, "Fu-u-cking beer?" 57 He didn't go down no chimbley; No need to look glum, "O-Oh, Be-er Near, oh where's the fucking De Ebonics Crimmus Pome He picked da' lock on my doe; We'll drink too much whiskey, beer!" (Recite. Best done as like Rap. Intended for An' I sez to myself; And fall on our bum. He tossed a keg then rode away, humor, not to be racially derogatory.) "Shit!! He done dis befoe!!!" (grab your ass) The bloody sleigh it flew. (Continued...) Aarh-aarh-aarh-aarh Wuz de nite befo Crimmus; He had dis big bag; The strange old man, he saved the day, Full of prezents I 'xpect; As hashers grabbed the brew. And all ower da hood; And so this is Hashmas, ereybody wuz' sleepin'; Wid Air Jordans and fake gold; What a load of old crap, And as the last was put away, To wear roun' my neck. The hashers screamed anew, Dey wuz sleepin' good. Let's put it up your bottom, And cum on your back. Singing, "Beer Near, oh where is the fucking beer?" We hunged up our stockings; But he left no good prezents; (gesture accordingly) An hoped like de' heck; Jus started stealing my shit; Oooh-aarh-oooh-aarh "Fu-u-cking beer?" "O-Oh, Be-er Near, oh where's the fucking That old Santa Clause; Got my drugs, got my guns, Be bringin' our check. Even got my burglar's kit!! 54 beer!"

Bad King Hashmas All o'de fambily; Wit my stuff in de bag; (To: Good King Wenceslas) They never found the hare that day, The trail ran out of hash. Wuz layin in de beds; Out da window he flewed; While Ripple and Thunderbird; I woudda' tried to catched him; Bad King Hashmas spent the lot, The GM passed out on some hay, The RA had to dash. Danced through dey heads. But he stoled my 'nife too!! On some horse called Steven, Was the bloke out to lunch or what, No down downs then were possible, He jumped on dat wadda' mellon; The odds weren't nearly even, There was no bloody bash, I passed out inna' flo;Right nex to my Maw; An' whipped out a switch; Now that all the beer money's spent, Singing, "Beer Near, oh where is the fucking When I heard sech a fuss; He wuz gone in a seccon'; Life will seem quite cruel, beer?" I thunk: "It mus be de law!!!" Dat son of a bitch!! Might as well go home to the wife, "Fu-u-cking beer?" Next year I be hopin': And send the kids to school. "O-Oh, Be-er Near, oh where's the fucking I looked out thru de bars; Anutha Sanna we git; 55 beer!" What covered my doe; Cuz' diz here Sanna Clause; Beer Near, Oh Where's the Fucking Beer? 'spectin' de sheriff; Jus' ain't werf a shit!!! (To: God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen) Wif a warrant fo sho.

Beer Near, Oh Where's the Fucking Beer? 56 58 You can substitute "bloody" for "fucking" while And what did I see; Chipmunks Roasting on an Open Fire Deck the Halls (Politically Correct Version) in more public areas. Shouldn't be too hard to I said, "Lawd look at dat!!" (To: The Christmas Song by Nat King Cole) (To: Deck The Halls) get the pack to learn and participate in the last Ther' wuz a huge watermellon; three lines. Chipmunks roasting on an open fire, Pulled by giant warf rats!! Deck the halls with boughs of, Jack Frost ripping up your nose, Non-endangered plant species, The trail mark said that beer was near, Now ober all de years; Yuletide carolers being thrown in the fire, Fa la la la la, la la la la, But ne'er a beer was found. Santa Clause, he be white; And folks dressed up like buffaloes. 'Tis the season to be self-actualizing, The Hare was lost, the GM drunk, But looks liken us bros; Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the Fa la la la la, la la la la, And still the the trail it wound. Gets a black Sanna dis nite. snow, Don we now our alternate-lifestyle apparel, The RA screamed out, "Kill the hare!" Helps to make the season right, Fa la la la la, la la la la, The wankers they did sound, Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out, Faster dan a Po'lees car; Toll the ancient, Singing, "Beer Near, oh where's the fucking Will find it hard to see tonight. My home boy he came; Non-denominational-winter-solstice-holiday beer?" They know that Santa is on his way, He whupped on dem warf rats; carol "Fu-u-cking beer?" He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his An' called dem by name! Fa la la la la, la la la la. "O-Oh, Be-er Near, oh where's the fucking sleigh, beer!" And every mother's child is sure to spy, On Leroy, on 'Lonzo ; To see if reindeer really scream when they die. See the blazing log of, And on Willie Lee; Non-denominational-winter-solstice-, Then down the trail came kegs of beer, And so I'm offering this simple phrase, On Saphire, on Chenequa; Holiday-non-endangered wood before us, Heaped up upon a sleigh. To kids from one to ninety two, Dey wuz a site to see!! Fa la la la la, la la la la, Fast away the mature year passes, Hark the Harriet Spinsters sing, All: Play the harp without unnecessary, Fa la la la la la la la la, Is there a man with a great big thing? Hallelujah, Brutality and join the chorus, Hail the new year without, Please on earth, some shagging wild! Hallelujah, Fa la la la la, la la la la, Any implicit ageism, ye persons, We're fed up being meek and mild. Hallelujah, hallelujah, Sing we emotionally stable, Fa la la la la la la la la, Halle-e-lujah. In a collective group effort, Dance in a non-hierarchical, Joyful all you real men rise, Fa la la la la la la la la, Manner in merry measure, Join the triumph in my thighs, Let's circle up now and have the Down-Downs, Heedless of the weather patterns, Fa la la la la la la la la, With the angelic host proclaim, Where's the be-er, Despite the effects of global warming, While I tell of non-materialistic, A Christmas shag is my aim. Where's the be-er, Fa la la la la, la la la la. non-denominational-winter-solstice-holiday Hark the Harriet Spinsters sing, Where's the be-er, treasure, Is there a man with a great big thing? Where's the be-er? Fa la la la la, la la la la. Hail the heaving Prince of pleasure, As he pumps into my Treasure. Hares in the circle for a Down-Down, 59 Delight and ecstasy with his shag, Drown the ha-ares, Give It a Blow No more 4 pack and a fag. Drown the ha-ares, (To: Let it Snow) Drown the ha-ares, Wild he lays our glorious thighs, Drown the ha-ares! Well the weather outside is frightful, No more vibrators, Wot a size! Hal-le-lu-jah..! But my dick is so delightful. Born to make our pussy's wet, If you really want to see it grow, Watch us writhe and make us sweat, 62 Give it a blow, give it a blow, give it a blow. Hark the Harriet Spinsters sing, Hashmas Chopsticks Is there a man with a great big thing? (To: Chopsticks) It doesn't show signs of stopping, Sing to the popular tune for Chopsticks or re- My dick is ready for hopping. 61 cite. If you want a really good show, Hasher Chorus Give it a blow, give it a blow, give it a blow. (To: Hallelujah Chorus) 'Twas the morning of hashmas And in the Hash House, When it's time to kiss good-night, Harriers: Not a hasher was stirring How I'll hate going out in the storm! Eat my butt out, Nor his trouser mouse. Be careful now don't you bite, Eat my butt out, All the beer kegs were drunk, With your tongue I will make you warm. Eat my butt out, Eat my butt out, By the hashers with care, Eat my-y butt out. In hopes that the Biermeister, The fire is slowly dying, Soon would be there. And my dear, we're still good-bye-ing, Please lick my sweaty cojones, But as long as you want me so, Lick my smegma, lick my smegma, He's bringing lot's of cheer, Give it a blow, give it a blow, give it a blow. Lick my smegma, lick my smegma! Some wine - and beer, But wait until you see, 60 Please eat my crusty brown asshole, Hares throw up on the tree! Hark the Harriet Spinsters Sing Dinkleberries, for the fairies, (By The Body, Two Moons & Hummingbird. Dinkleberries, for the fairies! So, On! G M, On! R A, To: Hark the Herald Angels Sing) On! Hash Horn and On Sec, Harriettes: From K L to London to L A to Quebec. The lyricists have done a cabaret turn for the Eat my pussy, To the top of the hill, last couple of years at the Christmas hash party. Eat my pussy, And then over the wall, They trade under the name of 'Santa's Slags', Eat my pussy, Eat my pussy, Here they come and they're sayin',"Merry and wear suitably revealing Santa outfits with Eat my-y pussy. Hashmas to all!" all the gear. The following carol was rewritten 63 by them after several bottles of wine. Please lick my lovely clitoris, Here Cums Clinton It's so juicy, it's so juicy, (To: Here Comes Santa Claus) (Continued…) It's so juicy, it's so juicy! Please lick my tight little anus, Here cums Clinton, It's so mushy, it's so mushy, Here cums Clinton, It's so mushy, it's so mushy! Right on Monica's dress. Newt's in an uproar, Talk on the House floor, Hillary's doing her best. 65 68 70 Elephants crying, I Saw Mommy Fucking Santa Claus Jingle Balls The Legal Night Before Christmas Donkeys praying, (To: I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus) (Recitation, quickly in the monotoned fashion of "Impeachment don't you dare!" Chorus a lawyer reading a brief.) Try as they will, I saw Mommy fucking Santa Claus, Jingle balls, jingle balls, jingle all the way, Pollsters show still, Underneath the Christmas tree at noon. Oh what fun, it is to run, round naked in this Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christ- Americans really don't care. She didn't see me creep, way, mas, there did occur at a certain improved piece Down the stairs to have a peep, Jingle balls, jingle balls, jingle all the way, of real property (hereinafter "the House") a 64 She thought that I was napping, Oh what fun, it is to run, round naked Christmas general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, Here's the Season In my bedroom fast asleep. day. including, but not limited to a mouse. (To: Deck the Halls) Then I saw Mommy fucking Santa Claus, Underneath his swaying big fat moon. Dashing round the block, not wearing any A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, Here's the season to be greedy, What a sight that would have been, dacks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chim- Tra-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la, If Daddy had only seen, One hand on your cock, to give your balls more ney in said House in the hope and/or belief that Eat until you feel quite seedy, Mommy fucking Santa Claus at noon! slack, St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus Tra-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la, Bouncing up and down, as we run to and fro, (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime Lots of beer and food and lollies, We'll jingle with our gen-i-tals wherever we thereafter. Tra-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la, 66 may go. In the morning you'll be sorry, I'm Dreaming of a Pink Pussy To chorus... The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the Tra-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la. (To: White Christmas) aforementioned House, were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal We always put up our Christmas stocking, I'm dreaming of a pink pussy, 69 hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein Tra-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la, Just like the ones I used to screw, Jungle Smell vision of confectionery treats, including, but not Santa might give us something to cock in, With a sweet aroma, (To: Jingle Bells) limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did Tra-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la, Thank really shows ya', dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said Last year he said he wouldn't come round here, Thank cunnilingus is for you. dreams. Chorus Tra-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la, Jungle smell, jungle smell, Some bastard stuffed it up his reindeer, I'm dreaming of my love's pussy, Shig-gy all the way. Whereupon the party of the first part Tra-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la. Each time I jack off in the night. Oh, what fun it is to run, (sometimes hereinafter referred to as "I"), being (Continued...) May her thighs be creamy and white, Through a swamp on Sun-un-day, hey! the joint-owner in fee simple of the Get the maid under the mistletoe, And may her vagina be tight. Jungle smell, jungle smell, House with the parts of the second part Tra-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la, Shig-gy all the way. (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had If the wife sees you'll soon know, 67 Oh, what fun it is to run, retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such Tra-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la, I've A Bone For Christmas Through a swamp on Sun-un-daay. time, the parties were clad in various forms of Is that what they mean by sticky pudd'n, (To: I'll Be Home for Christmas) headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.)

Tra-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la, Dashing through the jungle, Serves you right if you get dripping, Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, I've a bone for Christmas, Following hash all the way. there did occur upon the unimproved real prop- Tra-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la. You can count on me. All those SCB's, erty adjacent and appurtent to said House, i.e. Just a blow and mistletoe, Cursing all the way. the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown na- And condoms on the tree. Dashing through the jungle, ture, cause and/or circumstance. The party of Far from home you'll find me, Following hash all the way. the first part did immediately rush to a window Wanking till I scream. All those drunkard SCB's, in the House to investigate the cause of such I've a bone for Christmas, Cursing all the way. disturbance. If only in my dream. To chorus...

At that time, the party of the first part did ob- serve, with some degree of wonder and/or dis- belief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter the "Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.

Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately Respectfully Submitted, 74 eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the s./ The Grinch Sing packs of hashers, The Restroom Door Said Gentlemen animal co-conspirators by name: Nasty, dirty lyrics, (To: God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen) Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, 71 O sing all ye dirty bastards, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter the "Deer"). The Little Late Bastard At the hash. The restroom door said 'Gentlemen' (Upon information and belief, it is further as- (To: Away in the Manger) Sing to the virgins, So I just walked inside. serted that an additional co-conspirator named Sing to all the sin-in-ners. I took two steps and realized, "Rudolph" may have been involved.) Away in the shiggy, Oh sing of masturbation, I'd been taken for a ride. The FRB led. Oh sing of copulation, I heard high voices, The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the The Little Late Bastard, Oh sing of fornication at Interhash. Turned and found the place was occupied, Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and Was getting some head. By three nuns, two old ladies and a nurse. willfully trespass upon the roofs of several resi- The hares on the tra-ail, Beer to the hashers, What could be worse, dences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of The hash did they lay. Beer this happy season, Than three nuns, two old ladies and a nurse? the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heav- The little late bastard, Drink, beer until the bastards, ily laden with packages, toys and other items of Passed out on the hay. Spew it out. The restroom door said 'Gentlemen' unknown origin or nature. Drink to the virgins, It must have been a gag. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permis- The cattle were worried, Drink to all the sin-in-ners. As soon as I walked in, sion, either express or implied, the Vehicle ar- As hashers ran near, Oh beer and masturbation, I ran into some old hag. rived at the House, and Claus entered said But Little Late Bastard, Oh beer and copulation, She sprayed me with a can of mace, House via the chimney. He needed a beer. Oh beer and fornication at Interhash. And hit me with her bag. While hashers were sweating, 73 It just wasn't turning out to be my day. Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was The Late One was spry. Oh Little Mug of Lager Beer What can I say? partially covered with residue from the chim- The keg in the pick-up, (To: Oh, Little Town of Bethleham) It just wasn't turning out to be my day! ney, and he carried a large sack containing a Was now half-way dry. Oh little mug of lager beer, portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, How dear you are to me. The restroom door said 'Gentlemen', and other unknown items. The hashers were near now, You help to bring me Christmas cheer, And I would like to find, The hares coming in. From toast until I pee. The crummy little creep, He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in The late one was finished, Your head of foam doth shi-neth, Who had the nerve to switch the sign. a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordi- Passed out with a grin. Beneath the bar room light. Because I've got two black eyes, nances and health regulations. The sheep in the manger, Through all the years and all the beers, And one high heel up my behind. Had nothing to fear. It's lager beer tonight. Now I'll never sit in comfort or joy. Claus did not speak, but immediately began to The pack's all gone home now, Boy oh boy! fill the stocking of the minor children, which The hash has no beer. Now I'll never sit in comfort or joy. hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did The angels in heaven, 5 not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minor Were shocked when he showed. Rudolph the Rednosed Hasher pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. The Little Late Bastard, (To: Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer) Tax Code.) His cheeks how they glowed. He wretched on St. Peter, Rudolph the rednosed hasher, Upon completion of such task, Claus touched And pissed on the gate. Had a very shiny nose. the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or as- "To hell with the bastard, And if he ever ate you, cended up the chimney of the House to the roof He's too bloody late!" You would even say it grows. where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or 72 All of the other hashers, served as "lookouts." Claus immediately depart- O Cum, Interhashers Used to laugh and call him short. ed for an unknown destination. (To: O Come, All Ye Faithful) They never let poor Rudolph, Join in any or-gy sport. However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, O cum, interhashers, Continued,,, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of Joyful and triumphant, the first part did hear Claus state and/or ex- O cum ye, O cu-um ye, claim: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good Behind the stage, night!" Or words to that effect also in violation Cum in the bushes, of local environmental Noise Control regula- Climax in the portolets. tions. Oh cum and masturbation, Oh cum and copulation, Oh cum and fornication at Interhash. Then one lonely Hashmas eve, You better watch out, He's a drunken S.O.B. Quit shaking the sleigh, Rudolph got a date. You better not cry, He's a drunken S.O.B. 'Cause I gotta go pee." Rudolph with his nose so long, You better not pout, They cleared, the old lamp post, Kept her happy all night long. I'm telling you why, 81 The tree, got, a rub, Santa Claus is dead. Twas The Night Before Christmas Then Santa leaned right out, Then how the Harriettes loved him, (To: Chopsticks. Sung to the popular tune for And puked-up on my shrub. As they shouted out, "Do Me!" (Do Me!) Chopsticks or recited.) Rudolph the rednosed hasher, 78 And then from the roof, You'll go down in his-tor-y! Silent Fart 'Twas the night before Christmas, We heard something splatter, (To: Silent Night) And God it was neat. As each little reindeer, The kids were both gone, Now emptied his bladder. 76 Silent fart, And my wife was in heat. I put on my jacket, The S&M&M&M Man Is Cumming To Silent fart, The doors were all bolted, To cover my ass, Town Passes by, through the dark, And the phone off the hook, When down through the chimney, (To: Santa Claus Is Coming to Town) Round the circle, it passes by. It was time for some pussy, Santa came with a crash. Got a whiff of it, thought I would die. Fuck reading that book. His suit was all covered with, He's biting her tits. Get the fuck out of here, (tempo changes for the last four of each verse as Dip spit, ga-lore, He's fucking her twice. Get the fuck out of here. with chopsticks) He looked just like a bum, He's cutting her cunt with a great big bowie Mom-ma, in her ted-dy, And smelled just like a whore. knife. And I, in the nude, The S&M&M&M Man is cumming to town. 79 I'd just reached the bedroom, "I'm all fuckin' shit-canned,", Silent Night And grabbed a jar of lube. He said with a smile, (To: Silent Night) He knows who you are fucking. "And Rudolf was farting,

He knows if your orgasms are fake. When out on the lawn, For the last half a mile." He knows if you've been bad or good, Silent night, foggy night, There arose such a cry, He walked to the kitchen, So you better be bad for your own sake! Somebody pfffffft!, smells like shite, That I lost my boner, For himself poured a drink, Who's the bastard that dropped his guts, And momma went dry. Then whipped out his pecker, I hope it blew a hole in his nuts, Up to the window, And pissed in the sink. He's tying her up, That will make him sing high-er, I sprang like an elf. I start-ed to laugh, On the tower of power. And bring a tear to his eye. And tore back the shade, As my wife, turned around. And then he's going to give her a golden show- While she played with herself. For Santa was hung, er. The moon, on the crest, Half-way to the ground. The S&M&M&M Man is cumming to town. 80 Of the snow-man we'd built, He's fucking her ass, Shoved a broom, up his ass, He's pissing in her eye. Teddy the Red-Nosed Senator Back in the den, (To: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer) Clean up, to the hilt. Santa reached in his sack, He's doing things to her that would make Mengle cry.The S&M&M&M Man is cumming But his toys were all gone, to town. Teddy the red-nosed Senator, When what to my wondering, And some new things were packed. Had a very shiny car, Eyes should appear, The first thing he found, But a rusty old sleigh, Was a pair of false tits, He knows when you've been naughty. And if you ever saw it, You were probably near a bar. And eight mangy reindeer. The next was a manual, He knows when you've been in pain. With a fat little driver, On how to pop zits. He even knows if your're straight or gay. All of the other Senators, Half out of his sled, A dime - bag of reefer,Was Santa's. next find, You better be straight for your own sake! A sock in his ear, And six pair, of pan-ties, Wondered how he got his dames, They thought he drank too many, And a bra on his head. The ed-i-ble kind. You better watch out. Sure as I'm, speaking, He's makin' her cry! Too play in any bedroom games. Continued... He was high, as a kite, A boarding school pisser, He shoving a pole up her ass the width of a And he yelled out to his team, Then one foggy Christmas eve, A penis extension, pizza pie. But it didn't sou-und right. Santa came to say, And many other things, The S&M&M&M Man is cumming to town! (Continued...) Teddy with your nose so red, That I can't even mention. "Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, Won't you help me guide my sled. A cock ring, a G-string, Hey Dickfore, whoa Putz, And all types of oil, 77 Either slow down this rig, That's how the police found them, And a bong that was wrapped, Santa Claus is Coming to Town Or I'll cut off your nuts." With aluminium foil. (To: Santa Claus Is Coming to Town) Wrapped around a maple tree, "Look out for the lamp post, Teddy the red-nosed Senator, "This stuff's not for kids, And don't hit the tree, Mrs. Santa will shit, So I'll leave it all here, The first day after Christmas, And a partridge in a pear tree!" Seven sucking sisters. And then I'll just split." My true love and I had a fight, Eight edible panties. And so I chopped the pear tree down, 84 Nine nibbled nipples. He filled both our stockings, And burnt it, just for spite, The Twelve Days of Christmas Ten tons of titty. Looked at my wife's cleave. Then with a single cartridge, (To: The Twelve Days of Christmas) Eleven lickable labia. And tucked my son's crack pipe, I shot that blasted partridge, Twelve twats 'a twitchin'. Up under his sleeve. My true love, my true love, On the first day of Christmas, He sprang to his sleigh, My true love gave to me. My true love gave to me, Make up your own verses! But his feet were like lead, A nice lager in a brown mug. Made it out of the chimney, The second day after Christmas, 85 And on my roof smacked his head. I pulled on the old rubber gloves, On the second day of Christmas, The Twelve Days of Interhash (restart same tempo) And very gently wrung the necks, My true love gave to me, (To: The Twelve Days of Christmas. For more In time he was seated, Of both the turtle doves. Two dirty shoes, alternate verses. See the "Twelve Days of Took the reigns of his hitch, And a nice lager in a brown mug. Christmas" for the conduct of the song. Saying, "Take me home Rudolph, The third day after Christmas, This night's been a bitch!" My mother caught the croup, On the third day of Christmas, On the first day of Interhash, The sleigh was near gone, I had to use the three French hens, My true love gave to me, My true love gave to me, When we heard Santa shout, To make some chicken soup. Three french kisses, A lube job in her fur tree. "The best thing about college, Two dirty shoes, Is that beer won't run out!" The four calling birds were a big mistake, And a nice lager in a brown mug. Two shit house doors, For their language was obscene, etc... Three French whores, The five golden rings were completely fake, Four calling girls, 82 They turned my fingers green. Four call-ing "On!" Five pubic hairs! The Twelve Bugs of Christmas Five golden ales. Six sixty-niners, (To: The Twelve Days of Christmas) The sixth day after Christmas, Six hares a laying. Seven sucking sisters, The six laying geese wouldn't lay, Seven bastards swimming. Eight aching assholes, See "Twelve Days of Christmas" for conduct of So I sent the whole darn gaggle to, Eight poofters walking. Nine gnawed off nipples, song. The A.S.P.C.A. Nine bitches dancing. Ten torn testicles, Ten hashers leaping. Eleven leaping lesbians, For the first bug of Christmas, The seventh day, what a mess I found, Eleven buglars blowing. Twelve twats a'twitching, My manager said to me, The seven swans-a-swimming all had drowned, Twelve down downs drinking. See if they can do it again. My true love, my true love, 86 My true love gave to me. (Second Alternate Verses) The Twelve Days of Interhashing For the second bug of Christmas, A hand job that wasn't worth a fuck. (To: The Twelve Days of Christmas. For more My manager said to me, The eighth day after Christmas, (On-on-on). alternate verses. See "Twelve Days of Christ- Tell them it's a feature. Before they could suspect, Two shit house doors, mas" for the conduct of the song.) Etc... I bundled up the, Three French whores, Twelve drummers drumming, Four calling girls, On the first day I interhashed, Say it's not supported. Eleven pipers piping, Five blow jobs, This is what I found, Change the documentation. Ten lords-a-leaping, Six 69'ers, A trail with a lot of shiggy. Blame it on the hardware. Nine ladies dancing, Seven sucking sisters, Find a way around it. Eight maids-a-milking, Eight aching assholes, Two D. O. T.'s, Say they need an upgrade. (well, actually I kept one of the ladies), Nine gnawed off nipples, Three hares a-laying, Reinstall the software. And sent them back collect. Ten torn off titties, Four bimbos walking, Ask for a dump. Eleven leaping lesbians, Five frosty beers! Run with the debugger. I wrote my true love, Twelve twats a'twitching. Six puffs of flour, Ask them how they did it. "We are through, love!" Seven long B. T.'s, Try to reproduce it. And I said in so many words, (Third Alternate Verses) Eight whistles blowing,

"Furthermore your Christmas gifts were for the A hand job in an MG. Nine S. C. B.'s swimming, 83 (Soprani) Birds!" (squirt, squirt, squirt). Ten tits a-swinging, The Twelve Days After Christmas (Soprani) Birds!!! Two rectal sores. Eleven hashers drinking, (To: The Twelve Days of Christmas. For more (Everyone else) Four calling birds, Three droopy drawers. Twelve heinous sins. alternate lines, see The Twelve Days of Christ- Three french hens, Four fucking whores. mas for the song.) Two turtle doves Five pubic hairs. Six seeping chancres. 87 Eleven open sewers. 88 The Twelve Days of Ramadan (Sing "What a pong, what a pong, etc." to tune The Twelve Redneck Days of Christmas The lyricists have done a cabaret turn for the (To: The Twelve Days of Christmas. This can of William Tell Overture.) (To: The Twelve Days of Christmas. For more last couple of years at the Christmas hash party. be done in chorus, or it can also be done by alternate lines, see The Twelve Days of Christ- They trade under the name of 'Santa's Slags', individuals, or in large gatherings, groups be- Twelve circumcisions. mas for the song.) and wear suitably revealing Santa outfits with ing assigned one of the verses and singing it (Sing "Oooh that hurts, oooh that hirts" to tune all the gear. The following carol was rewritten when it is their turn. . Add the additional award of The Music Man while running around hold- 1 Some parts to a Mustang GT. by them after of a beer if they miss their turn. Obviously, the ing groins.) 2 Huntin' dogs. several bottles of wine. one with the first verse will have to sing twelve 3 Shotgun shells. times, so pick strong drinkers for the early vers- 4 Mud grip tires. We wish you a Merry Hash es.) 5 Flannel shirts. We wish you a Merry Hash 6 Cans of Spam. We wish you a Merry Hash On the first day of Ramadan King Khalid gave 7 Packs of Redman. And a good shagging too! to me, 8 Table Dancers. A book by Salman Rushdie, 9 Years Probation. (Gesture throwing to ground and stamping on Tin of Copenhagen. 91 it.) 11 Rasslin' Tickets. We Wish You a Merry Hashmas 12-Pack of Bud. (To: We Wish You a Merry Christmas) On the second day of Ramadon King Khalid gave to me, 89 We wish you a merry Hashmas, Waklin' 'Round in Womens's Underwear Two Yemenese (Gesture big spit.) We wish you a merry Hashmas, (To: Winter Wonderland) A book by Salman Rushdie (with gesture). We wish you a merry Hashmas,

(Continue adding verses) And a clappy New Year. Three Ayatollahs. Lacy things the wife is missin', (Sing "Ayatollah, Ayatollah," to tune of Halle- Didn't ask for her persmission, Bad tidings we bring, lujah Chorus, while bowing in prayer.) I'm wearin her clothes - silk panty hose, About the drip and the sting, Waklin' 'round in womens's underwear. We wish you a Merry Syphilis,

Four Iraqi mine sweepers. And a Happy Gonorrhea. (Put hands over ears and stamp feet.) In the store there's a teddy, With little sraps like spaghetti, We wish you a Merry Syphilis, It holds me so tight like handcuffs at night, Five Iranian terrorists. We wish you a Merry Syphilis, Waklin' 'round in womens's underwear. (Jump forward and spray crowd with machine We wish you a Merry Syphilis, gun fire.) And a Happy Gonorrhea. In the office there's a guy named Melvin, 92 Six cruise missiles. He pretends that I am Murphy Brown, We're Harriets Three (Sing "We're coming to blow you away, Ha-ha, He'll say are you ready, we'll say whoa man, By The Body, Two Moons & Hummingbird) hee-hee, ho-ho") Let's wait until the wife's out of town. (To: We Three Kings)

Seven U.S. soldiers. Later on if you wanna, The lyricists have done a cabaret turn for the (Shout "One, two, three, four, I love the Marine We can dress like Madonna, last couple of years at the Christmas hash party. Corps," while marching in place.) Put on some eye shade and join the parade, They trade under the name of 'Santa's Slags', Waklin' 'round in womens's underwear. and wear suitably revealing Santa outfits with Eight blindfolded hostages. all the gear. The following carol was rewritten (Sing "Show me the way to go home" while Lacy things... missin', by them after stumbling about with arms outstretched.) Didn't ask... persmission,Wearin her clothes - several bottles of wine. silk panty hose, Nine raving mullahs. Waklin' 'round in womens's underwear, We're Harriets three, from Aberdeen Hash (Shout "Israel must go, Israel must go" while Waklin' 'round in womens's underwear, We'll take no shit from all of you trash shaking fists in air.) Waklin' 'round in womens's underwear. Through field and fountain Moor and mountain Ten Scud missiles. 90 Following yonder trail (Fingers in ears and say, "Nanny-Nanny boo- We Wish You A Merry Hash boo, you missed me!" ) (By The Body, Two Moons & Hummingbird. Oh,Oh To: We Wish You a Merry Christmas) Trail of Flour Trail of Shite 94 A monument of solid shit. And suddenly, to my surprise. Trail of wonderous pure delight White Hashmas Westward leading (To: White Christmas) Sung: Chorus Beer preceeding They're moving father's grave to build a sewer, Pack: They did the hash. Where can we get laid tonight ? I'm dreaming of a white Hashmas, They're moving it regardless of expense,They're Songmaster: They did the Monster hash. As I masturbate in bed, moving his remains to lay down shithouse Pack: The Monster hash. Born a Harriet of AH3 Dreaming of juicy Lucy and Rock, drains, Songmaster: It was a graveyard hash. We just want to sit on your knee Hard's floozes, To satisfy some nearby residents. Pack: They did the hash. King forever And a katoey giving me head, Songmaster: They caught on in a flash. Ceasing,never I'm dreaming of a white Hashmas, Now, what's the use of having a religion, Pack: They did the hash. Over us all to reign With every stroke of my old man, For when you die your troubles never cease. Songmaster: They did the Monster hash. Oh, I think I'm coming, When some high-society twit needs a pipeline Oh,Oh I know I'm coming, for his shit, From knee deep shiggy in the swamp that's east, Trail of Flour Oh, won't Hashmas be so grand. They won't let poor old father rest in peace. To wading through the creek where the leaches Trail of Shite feast, Trail of wonderous pure delight Father’s Day My father in his life was never a quitter, The poofters all came when they heard the Westward leading I'm sure that he'll not be a quitter now. news, Beer preceeding 95 He'll put on a white sheet and haunt the They could get some mud on their running Where can we get laid tonight ? Father shithouse seat, shoes, (To: Father) And he'll only let them shit when he'll allow. (to chorus) Glorious now behold it arise That will sure bring tears to your eyes words in parentheses are echoed by pack Oh, won't there be some pains of constipation! The trail was dark the hares were not to be What a plonker Father And won't those shithouse bastards rant and found, Up your stonker rave! Igor unchained was running with the hounds, We'll have a helluva time tonight ! F is for the farts that used to linger But they'll get what they deserve, The local cops were about to arrive, For they had the bloody nerve, With orders to take Hashers DEAD or ALIVE. Oh,Oh A is for his arse all racked with piles To bugger up a British workman's grave. (to chorus) Trail of Flour (all racked with piles) Trail of ShiteTrail of wonderous pure delight Westward leading T is for the turds he pried out by finger Beer preceeding (finger) Where can we get laid tonight?

H is for his hole all wreathed with smiles 97 93 (all wreathed in smiles) Tool of My Father While the Kiwis Shagged (To: While Shepards Watched) (To: Faith of Our Fathers) E is for the eggs he used to dine on (dine on) Tool of my Fa-ther, liv-ing still, While the Kiwis shagged their flocks by night, R is rotten and rotten they'd always be Tiny and use-less, be-quethed to me. All laying on the ground, (they'd always be) Oh how my heart breaks each time that I peal, Up jumped the Aussie doctor and said, "Stop that and I'll buy a round," Back shrivelled fore-skin, each time I pee. "Stop that and I'll buy a round." Put them all together and they spell FATHER. Tool of my Fa-ther, use-less dick, "Fear not," said they, for fear of AIDS The one who fouls the air for me, No woman wants this di-min-u-tive prick. Had seized the doctor's mind, I don't mean maybe, "Before we Kiwis take a new bride, The one who fouls the air for me, Halloween We clean out her behind, (the air for me)

We clean out her behind." 98 96 They're Moving Father's Grave to Build A Monster Hash So you girls waiting for the question popped, (To: Monster Mash) You won't get very far, Sewer

If you want to take a Kiwi mate, I was running with the HASH on Halloween You'll have to answer, "Baaaaaa." Spoken: To shit-house artists when they die, night, You'll have to answer, "Baaaaaa." When my eyes beheld an eerie sight, We'll build it wide and build it high, In tribute to their brain and wit, Poofters and Back Sliders began to arrive, The Hashers were having fun Independence Day (U.S.) 100 You're that yanking doodle guy. (In-a-shoop-wha-ooo) Yank My Doodle (If used as a down down song:) The party had just begun 99 (To: Yankee Doodle Dandy) Drinking down, down, down, down, (In-a-shoop-wha-ooo) Another Hasher Anthem Down, down, down, down, The guests included WolfMan (To: Yankee Doodle Dandy) Down, down, down, down, (In-a-shoop-wha-ooo) Yank my doodle it's a dandy, Down, down, down, down. Dracula and his son I'm a dirty smelly hasher. Yank my doodle 'till I die, (Continue until down down is finished, (Drum fill) Chasing hares is what I do. Make that wiener shoot some fireworks, or go into "Why are you waiting".) I check down trails in the afternoon, Just like the Fourth of July. Out from his pickup the Tyrant's voice did ring. Drink by the light of the moon. 102 (shoop-wha-ooo) I love mud and blood and brambles, I've got a Yankee doodle boner, Yankee Hasher It seems he was worried 'bout just one thing. Toxic waste and smelly goo. I've had it since you rubbed my thigh, (To: Yankee Doodle) (shoop-wha-ooo) (tempo change) So yank my doodle if you please. Opened the door and shook his fist, and said. Dirty shoes and bloody knees, That bulge is not a pony, Yankee Hasher went to hash, (shoop-wha-ooo) And a real bad case of scabbies, Just stick your fingers up my ass, The SCB'ing wanker, "Whatever hoppened to those running club I am a hasher how 'bout you. And stroke my macaroni. And there he saw a naked lass, wimps?" Instead of fuck he spanked her. (to chorus) I'm a drunken beer soaked hasher. Yank my doodle it's so big, Draining kegs is what I do. Clearly it's a dandy, Chorus Now everything's cool, we found all of the pack, For breakfast I must have some oatmeal stout, Stick that sucker in your mouth, Yankee Hasher keep it up, And the Monster hash, it will be coming back, For lunch it's a Guiness or two. You'll swear it tastes like candy. Yankee Hasher Wank-er. For you, the sober, this hash was meant, too, For dinner, I must do some thinking, Yankee Hasher keep it up, When you get to the box, tell them Boris sent Sam's or Pete's or maybe microbrew. Yank my doodle it's a dandy, Then tip your hat and thank her. you. (tempo change) Yank my doodle 'till I die, But when I'm hashing give me Shafer's, Lick that lizard 'till it's standing tall, Yankee Hasher saw a tyke, Pack: And you can hash, Give me Busch or Miller, Right through my pu-u-bic hair. A playing with his toy. Songmaster: And you can Monster hash, 'Cause I am a drunken hasher. If you like Yankee doodle peckers, He took away his little bike, Pack: The monster hash, Are you a drunken hasher? I've got one that I can spare. Then buggered up the boy. Songmaster: And do the graveyard hash, I am a drunken hasher too. Pack: And you can hash, So yank my doodle 'till it cums, Yankee Hasher went to hash, Songmaster: You'll catch on in a flash, I'm a horny sex staved hasher. Just point it toward your titties, For he was fucking horney. Pack: Then you can hash, Chasing tail is what I do. They say that stuff is beauty cream, He stuck his dick up in a bush, Songmaster: Then you can Monster hash. I came to ______just to get a lay, Let's make your titties pretty. But found out it was thorn-y. Ended up screwing ______, He found the On-In and the beer, (repeat and fade chorus following dialog talko- I love kinky sex and spankings, Yank my doodle it's so big, But quick the pack was parting. ver) Naval shots and butt chugs too. Baby it's a dandy, The circle fire was much to near, Igor: MMMM...hash goooood! hash goood! (tempo change) Jerk that Turk and make it squirt, The Yankee Hasher's farting. (shoop-wha-ooo) Give me dildos, give me butt plugs, And keep a Kleenex handy. Boris: Down Igor, you impetuous young boy. Give me whips and bondage, Yank my doodle it's a dandy, Yankee Hasher's lonely now, (shoop-wha-ooo) 'Cause I am a horny hasher. Yank my doodle 'til I die. He wanders down through the shiggy. Igor: hash goooood. (shoop-wha-ooo, shoop- Are you a horny hasher? He searches for a sheep or cow, wha-ooo) I am a horny hasher too. 101 He'll even fuck Miss Piggy. Yankee Doodle Dandy (To: Yankee Doodle Dandy)

Yankee doodle he's a dandy, He's a hasher till he dies, A real live asshole from the USA, Pissed on my most other girls.

Yank his doodle, it's a dandy, Yank his doodle, zip his fly, Yankee doodle ran the trail, Wanking off his doodle, Martin Luther King Day O is for the other times you tried. 106 Valentine’s Day (you really tried) When Irish Guys Start Smiling 103 (To: When Irish Eyes are Smiling) 108 We Shall Over Cum T is for those tortuous long lost weekends. Huronia Valentine Hash Song (To: We Shall Overcome. The Presidential (damn weekends) When Irish guys start smiling, salute to MLK day.) You could be in trouble big. This song was presented at a St. Valentine's Day H is for the hell that's in your eye's. Irish eyes don't hide a child inside, hash put on by Huronia HHH. We shall over cum, (those bloodshot eyes) They hide an inner pig. We shall over cum, E is for the everlasting passion. If he's laughing and he's leering, Sing: We shall over cum your dress, (you horny bitch) Get your Rosary out and pray, "If I were the marrying kind While on bend-ed knee, 'Cause when Irish guys are horny, And thank the lord I'm not, sir. You're pleasing me, R is for the ruin you made of me. Sure they'll peel your pants away. The kind of man that I would wed We shall over cum your dress. (a fairy) Would be a Hash House Harrier. " Thanksgiving (perhaps not, after reading on...) Mother’s Day Put them all together, they spell MOTHER, 107 And that is what I think I'm going to be. The hare gave caring advice Next Thanksgiving 104 I don't mean maybe, In the pre-run announcements he said: Mother And that is what I think I'm going to be. (To: Fraire Jacques) "Of the blue stuff, use not for food, snuff or pot (To: Mother. Words in parentheses are echoed (I'm going to be.) Or thou may endeth up dead." by pack) Next Thanksgiving, next Thanksgiving, New Year’s Day Don't eat bread, don't eat bread, The hare had spread diamonds galore Shove it up the turkey, shove it up the turkey, Mother And they glittered all over the snow. Eat the bird, eat the bird. 105 The trumpets did play many times in the day

M is for the many things she gave me Auld Lang Syne As the Harriers sought whence to go. (To: Auld Lang Syne) Next Christmas, next Christmas, O is only that she's growing old Don't trim a tree, don't trim a tree, Fifth Estate's conservative wardrobe Shove it up the chimney, shove it up the chim- (She's growing old) Should auld beer drinkers be forgot, Again set her off from the bunch. ney, And never brot' to mind? She didst state with dread: "I shall not wear red Goose Saint Nick, goose Saint Nick. Should auld acquaintance be forgot, At Valentine's, Christmas, or lunch!" T is for the tears she shed to save me (save me) And days of Auld Lang Syne. Next Easter, next Easter, With Messiah's amazing new lightness Don't color eggs, don't color eggs, Chorus He didst walk on water with zing. H is for her heart as pure as gold Shove them up the rabbit, shove them up the For Auld hasher friends, we cheer, For his tracks saweth we crisscross the ice mer- (as pure of gold) rabbit, For Auld Lang Syne. rily. Eat the hare, eat the hare. We'll drink, "To Hash!", a mug of beer, Please show us how in the spring. E is for her eyes with lovelight shining (Shining) For Auld Lang Syne. Old Grey Mare did shareth his nuts R is right and she'll always be Drink down your beers for all the years, And Whinger didst counter with this: (she'll always be) A down down for all time. "Tis food for a mouse, we need a Clubhouse We'll drink, "To Hash!", a mug of beer, To attain real Harrier bliss!"

Put them all together, they spell MOTHER. For Auld Lang Syne. The one that means the world to me, To undo his late arrival, I don't mean maybe, Optional Finale same tune... To prove his skill as a knight, The one who means the world to me, Drink! Down down down down, down down Zeke choseth a branch to use as a lance (the world to me) down. Against deadly chickadees in flight. Drink! Down down down down down. \ Sinker keepeth an eye out for Storm. Hasher interrupts: Drink! Down down down down, down down down. Whinger changeth his name to Wallflower. "Wait a minute, you've got that all wrong!" Next time you've the chance, pray ask him to Drink! Down down down down down. (continue finale until last mug is empty) dance Mother To keepeth his spirit un-sour. A swimsuit edition from the future M is for the many times you made me. St. Paddy’s Day Caused many male hearts to beat hard. Be it not quaint? They now want to paint And not on canvas by the yard. 110 Songs Your Mother A Few of My Favorite Things Herbicide's new down-down device Never Taught You (To: My Favorite Things) Didst cause dreadful waste of good beer For Doo Run, Whinger, Sinker, Whitey, Rod- 109 (Harriers) man and Commander. A Few of My Favorite Hash Things Middle and Pinky and Index and Ring, 'Twas male mathematics, we fear. (To: My Favorite Things) Throw in the thumb and you've got the whole Short cuts that leave all the front bastards trail- thing, Commander's double-breasted red dress ing, It works just fine and it's also quite safe, Caused Harriers to break out in song. Misleading directions leaving short cutters wail- These are a few of my favorite things. Will newcomers Kathleen, Frank and Cathy ing, McD Slippery slopes where hounds flounder in shit, When the dawn breaks,When I wake up, Ever again cometh along? These are some things that appeal to my wit. And it's feeling hard, I simply remember my favorite things, Doo Run, our illustrious Poobah, Chorus And that's when it feels so good. Displayeth his prize by the fire - And my cock is sore, The Harrier flag so bright of red, green and I cheer myself up with my favorite things, Penthouse and Playboy and something called white, And revive the old cock once more. Forum, Sewn up for us by Liar, Liar. They're what I use to help start something go- Quims soft and puckered and minge short and ing, Cockeye and Sue-City-Sue curly, Centerfolds spread-eagled showing me pink, (A legal firm?) Really did cater. Tight little cunts fringed with spunk white and These are a few of my favorite things. At the Harrier feast we ate chocolate and beast pearly, When I'm lonely, And even had chips of the 'tater. Red painted nipples, an ice cube blow job, Really lonely, These are the things that will make my cock By myself again, throb. I simply remember my favorite things, And that's when it feels so good. Limbs brown and supple, with buttocks gyrat- ing, (Harriettes) Positions amazing, damp cunt lips pulsating, Dildos and vibrators and vaseline jelly, Cheerful young bodies all eager to screw, That's what I use to set fires in my belly, Of my favorite things these are only a few. In and out up and down making me wet, These are a few of my favorite things. Men are useless, The rugby mob buggers all bloated with beer, I don't need them, The sight of them's foul, it's no wonder, they're I'm the best I've had, queer, I simply remember my favorite things, The dear old mismanagement, oh, what a farce, And that's when it feels so good. These are some of the things you can stick up

your arse. Tight buns, silk undies, and erotic books, Make me excited I'm starting to cook, A run that was set by those mad hares the I stir me up and the honey will come, Dutch, These are a few of my favorite things. A ride in old trucks that you all loved so much, When I'm thinking, Some piss that was different with a beer glass Of a hard cock, thrown in, But I don't see one, Surely a fucking good hash, no hash sin. I simply remember my favorite things,

And that's when it feels so good.

111 Songmaster: Alouett. Harrier List from Top (alternate lines in paren- A Virgin Pack: Alouett. theses): 115 (To: Swanee River) Together: Oh-oh-oh-ohhh. (to Chorus) All My Jism 1 Thinning hair (balding head) (To: All My Lovin') High a-a-bove the virgin's gar-ter 2 2 Neaderthal brow (wrinkled brow) High above her knee, Songmaster: How I love her bushy brows. 3 Blood-shot eyes (one glass eye) Harriers: Pack: How I (you) love her bushy brows. 4 Broken nose (hairy nose) Close your eyes, spread your legs, Lies the se-e-cret of her honor, Songmaster: Bushy brows. 5 Smelly breath (pukey breath) Let me fertilize your eggs, Her vir-r-gin-i-ty. Pack: Bushy brows. 6 Rotten teeth (toothy gap) Remember, I'll always be true. Songmaster: Curly hair. 6 Double chin (Dumbo ears) And then while I'm away, Roll, her o-ver, ohhh so slow-ly,Soft-ly in the Pack: Curly hair. 7 Hairy chest (skinny chest) I'll beat off every day, grass. Songmaster: Alouett. 8 Big beer belly (Big pot belly) And send all my jism to you. Pack: Alouett. 9 Tiny dick (micro-penis) That i-is what we live and die for, Together: Ohohohohhh. 10 Drooping sac (tiny balls) Harriettes: A piece of vir-gin ass. 11 Creaky knees (skinny legs) He'll pretend to be kissing, 3 12 Tinea toes (big smelly feet) The lips used for pissing, 112 Songmaster: How I love her criss-cross While fondling his balls so blue. A, You've Got Asshole Stains eyes...etc. 114 And then while I'm not home, (To: You're Adorable) Alcoholic's Anthem He'll be stroking his bone, And so it goes adding one more part with each (To: Men of Harlech) And sending his jism to me.

"A," you've got asshole stains, verse to the anatomy "B," you've got balls for brains, list to test the sobriety and memory of the What's the use of drinking tea, Harriers: "C," you've hardly got a cock at all, songmaster. Tradition would Indulging in sobriety, All my jism, I will send to you. "D," like a dorker's tool, have the songmaster do a down down for miss- And teetotal perversity? All my jism, you can have my spew. "E," your ass exudes stool, ing a part during the listing It's healthier to booze. All my jism, all my jism, "F," your farts smell like fucking shit, or otherwise screwing up the song. What's the use of milk and water? All my jism, I will send to you. "G," you've got gonorrhea, These are drinks that never oughter, "H," hemorrhoids to your knees, Harriette List from Top (alternate lines in pa- Be allowed in any quarter. Harriettes: "I," eyes that run and bleed and itch, rentheses): Come on, lose your blues, I will sing this bright chorus, "J," you can jack your jizz, Mix yourself a shandy, While I rub my clitoris, "K," you can kiss my phizz, 1 Curly hair (rat's nest hair) Drown yourself in brandy, With my dildo so tried and true. "L," fuckin' lousy son-of-a-bitch, 2 Bushy brows (furrowed brow) Sherry sweet, And then while you're away, "M-N-O-P," menstrual blood on your prick, 3 Criss-cross eyes (bloodshot eyes) Or whisky neat, I will vibrate away, "Q-R-S-T," alphabetically speaking, 4 Crooked nose (broken nose) Or any kind of liquor that is handy. And send all my jism to you. You're S-H-I-T, 5 Lubra lips (sucking lips) There's no blinking sense in drinking, "U," make my pussy itch, 6 Two buck teeth (cum-stained teeth) Anything that doesn't make you stinking, Harriers: "V"-D down to your feet, 7 Double chin (drooling chin) There's no happiness like sinking, All my jism, I will send to you. "W-X-Y-Z," 8 Saggy tits (swinging tits) Blotto to the floor. All my jism, you can have my spew. I love to wander through the alphabet with you, 9 Big pot belly (pregnant belly/big beer belly) All my jism, all my jism, To tell the Hash what you mean to me. 10 Moofy crotch (furry thing) Put an end to all frustration, All my jism, I will send to you. 11 Knobbly knees (skinny legs) Drinking may be your salvation, 113 12 Tinea toes (big smelly feet) End it all in dissipation, Aahlawetta Rotten to the core. (To: Alouette) Continued… Aberrations metabolic, The songmaster points to various parts of a Ceilings that are hyperbolic, "volunteer" harriettes anatomy during song. There are for the alcoholic, Lying on the floor. Chorus Vodka for the arty, Aahlawetta, gentil Aahlawetta, Gin to make you hearty, Aahlawetta, je te plumerai. Lemonade was only made, 1 For drinking if your mother's at the party, Songmaster: How I love her curly hair. Steer clear of home-made beer, Pack: How I (you) love her curly hair. And anything that isn't labeled clear, Songmaster: Curly hair. There is nothing else to fear, Pack: Curly hair. Bottom's up, my boys. 116 I was al-most persuaded, 121 All Things Dull and Ugly 'Til a hasher hollered, "Beer!" at the door. "O" is for orifice all cunningly concealed, etc. Are You Lonesome Tonight? (To: All Things Bright and Beautiful) Al-most persuaded, "P" is the penis all pranged up and peeled, etc. (To: Are You Lonesome Tonight) But my thirst couldn't stand it no more. All things dull and ugly, "Q" is the Quaker who shat in his hat. etc. Are you lonesome tonight, All creatures short and squat, 118 "R" is the Rajah who rogered the cat, etc. Is the hash out of sight, All things rude and nasty, Aloha HHH Anthem Are you sorry you strayed from the trail? The Lord God made the lot. (To: Beethoven's 9th Symphony) "S" is the shit-pot all filled to the brim, etc. Does your throat get real dry, "T" is the turds which are floating within, etc. Underneath the hot sky, Each little snake that poisons, To the Choral Stanza, Beethoven's 9th. When you think of the beer to you wail? Do the sores on your feet seem to blister and Each little wasp that stings, Come Aloha Hash House Harriers, "U" is the usher who taught us at school, etc. pus? He made their brutish venom, Get your asses in high gear, "V" is the virgin who played with his tool, etc. Do you gaze down the road and you wish for a He made their horrid wings. Whiners, walkers, F-R-B-ers, Gather 'round these mugs of beer. bus? "W" is the whore who thought fucking a farce, All things sick and cancerous, Are your legs filled with pain, etc. Will you shortcut again, All evil great and small, Let the hashing spirit enter, And "X", "Y", and "Z" you can shove up your All things foul and dangerous, Ev'ry wanker here around, Tell me fool are you lonesome tonight? arse, etc. The Lord God made them all. Down-downs right and left and center 122 As we hashers chug 'em down. 120 Arkansas Hillbillies Each nasty little hornet, Amazing Hash (By Centurian. To: The Beverly Hillbillies) Each beastly little squid, 119 (To: Amazing Grace)

Who made the spikey urchin, Alphabet Song Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Who made the sharks, He did. Amazing Hash, Bill, "A" is for asshole, all covered in shit How sweet the trail, A slippery politician, from yonder Ozark hills. All things scabbed and ulcerous, That saved a DFL like me. Then one day he ran for President, All pox both great and small, Chorus I once was lost, When out of a crowd came some questions from Putrid, foul, and gangrenous, "Heigh-ho," says Rowley. But now I'm found, the Press. The Lord God made them all. "B" is for the bugger who revels in it, The On-On I now see!

Marijauna, that is. Land deals, Draft dodgin'. Chorus 2 Just two more blocks,

Singing rolly, poley, up'em and stuff'em, And I'll be in, 117 "Heigh-ho," says Anthony Rowley. The beer is waiting for me. Well, then next thing ya' know Slick Willie's in Almost Persuaded And when I'm there, D.C., (To: Almost Persuaded) "C" is for cunt all dripping with piss, I'll drink my share, Runnin' the show, and a-bombin' enemies. (to Chorus 1) 'Til they get rid of me! Then in through the door comes an aide named Last night all alone in a bar room, Monica, Met a girl with a tit in one hand. "D" is for the drunkard who gave it a kiss, And says, our good Prez, "Girl, I got a job for She had really tight shorts, hal-ter top, (to Chorus 2) yah." And an ass that would tempt any man. The she came and sat down on my face, "E" is for the eunuch with only one ball, etc. Blow job, that is. Fellatio. Oral Sex. And as she placed her hand on my dick, "F" is for the fucker with no balls at all, etc. I found myself wanting to fuck her, Gifts, and job offers from the Government, For temptation was making me sick. Was this girl's reward for a fine example set. "G" is for goiter, gonorrhea, and gout, etc. "H" is the harlot who spreads it about, etc. She's young, and eager, and she learnt real fast, I was al-most persuaded, It's not what you know, but how you shake yer To leave the hash in the cold air. ass. Al-most persuaded, "I" is for insertion, injection and itch, etc. To leave the pack with no hare. "J" is the jerk of a dog on a bitch, etc. Tits help, too. Personality. Charm. Then we danced and she whispered, "I need you." "K" is for knight who thought fucking a bore, etc. Then comes another lawyer named Ken Starr, "Take me now, right here," she did wail. Askin' ol' Monica 'bout positions, and how far? But I told her that though I did want to. "L" is the lesbian who came back for more, etc. Hillary says it's a plot by the Right Wing Press, I'd promised that I'd lay the trail. Then out of the closet comes that damn blue "M" is for maidenhead all tattered and torn, etc. dress. "N" is the noble who died on his horn, etc. 125 126 To support the a' queerie who was leering Stained, it is. DNA. Evidence. Austin Hash Song The Bagpipe Song through his beery, (To: Redneck Mother) (To: Scotland the Brave) At the sight of the Yankee who was wanking in Well, the next thing yah know Billie's balls are his hanky, in the vice. Start with lots of "Ba doom, ba doom, ba doom, Here's to the lassie with the black hairy assey, At the thought of the jockey with the upstanding How's such a mess happen to a man so nice? boom, boom boom" Who was lifting up her kilty at the ______cocky, Newt now says that it's just a minor sin. Hash. Who was riding on the lassie with the black Happen's all the time to those Dem's in Wash- I brought a newboot out to meet the gang; (pack does two lines sounding like a bagpipe) hairy assey, ingtin. He said he needed a crowd for which to hang. Who was lifting up her kilty at the ______He ran like a rabbit out on the false trails, Then there was the jockey with his upstanding Hash. Sex Scandals. Lots of dirt. Democrats. By the time we got to the beer he was dragging cocky, (bagpipe) his tail. Who was riding on the lassie with the black 123 hairy assey, Then there was the Wenchy doing down-down Arse Holes For Sale Chorus Who was lifting up her kilty at the ______on a benchy, Well, Hash. Making money for the HASHER who was pos- Arseholes are cheap tonight, H is for the hair that just laid the trail (do two lines sounding like a bagpipe) ing as a flasher, Cheaper than other nights, A is for the soil we hash on (yell) AUSTIN! Hustling customers from the Harlot making Standing or bending down, S that's for shiner Then there was the Yankee who was wanking in money in the car lot, Big ones for half a crown. H is for us hounds his hanky, To support the a' queerie who was leering E is for everyone wearing At the thought of the jockey with the upstanding through his beery, R ubbers cocky, At the sight of the Yankee who was wanking in Small ones are three and six, his hanky, Big ones for bigger pricks, Well it's cross the creek and up the other side, Who was riding on the lassie with the black Thru some Poison Oak, Bull Nettle by my side. hairy assey, At the thought of the jockey with the upstanding Arseholes are cheap tonight, cocky, Cheaper than other nights. Well it's off the road and off into some deep Who was lifting up her kilty at the ______dark woods, Hash. Who was riding on the lassie with the black hairy assey, 124 Running up and down hills just to get them (bagpipe) goods. Who was lifting up her kilty at the ______As I was walking Hash. (To: Old One Hundredth) Then there was the queerie who was leering Well you just might see a Llama along the way, through his beery, (bagpipe)

As I was walking through the wood, Or ford a dangerous river who's to say. At the sight of the Yankee who was wanking in But for all us who knows, to bring some dry his hanky, Now the moral of this ditty is that when in I shat myself, I knew I would. ______City, I cried for "Help!", but no help came, clothes, At the thought of the jockey with the upstanding Take a short cut thru the creek to where the beer cocky, And you're with your favorite girlie, And so I shat myself again. Chasing hairs all short and curly, flows. Who was riding on the lassie with the black hairy assey, Just remember to take her hashing and to give As I was walking down the street, her a good bashing, A whore grabbed me by the meat. Who was lifting up her kilty at the ______Hash. And keep her away from the Wenchy doing I cried for "Help!", but no help came, down-down on a benchy, And so she grabbed my meat again. (bagpipe) Making money for the HASHER who was pos- ing as a flasher, As I was walking through Saint Pauls, Then there was the Harlot making money in the Hustling customers from the Harlot making The vicar grabbed me by the balls. car lot, money in the car lot, I cried for "Help!", but no help came, To support the a' queerie who was leering To support the a' queerie who was leering And so he grabbed my balls again. through his beery, through his beery, At the sight of the Yankee who was wanking in At the sight of the Yankee who was wanking in his hanky, his hanky, As I was walking through St. Giles, At the thought of the jockey with the upstanding Some bastard grabbed me by my piles. At the thought of the jockey with the upstanding cocky, cocky, I cried for "Help!", but no help came, Who was riding on the lassie with the black And so he grabbed my piles again. Who was riding on the lassie with the black hairy assey, hairy assey, Who was lifting up her kilty at the ______As I lay sleeping in the grass, Who was lifting up her kilty at the ______Hash. Hash. Some bastard rammed it up my ass. (bagpipe) I cried for "Help!", but no help came, (bagpipe) Then there was the HASHER who was posing And so he rammed it up again. as a flasher,Hustling customers from the Harlot making money in the car lot, 127 The Balad of the Monika Lewinski They wouldn't be in this fix now if they'd just With a stump-broke carabao, The village plumber he was there, (By Chemically Erect, To: The Beverly Hillbil- gone and hashed. To a place she'd heard about before, He felt an awful fool. lies) She's learned to pick up pesos, He'd come eleven leagues or more, Problems aren't from what you do; it's the com- From a bottle of San Miguel, And forgot to bring his tool. Monica Lewinki is feeling sick of late pany you keep. Working overtime giving blowjobs in Astro Because, as most of you here know, of some- Hashers live by their own rules, unlike the other Park. Sandy McPherson he came along, thing that she ate. sheep. It was a bloody shame. The source of her digestive woes is what I'll "is it sex, or is it not?" There's no sense splitting She heard the pay was better, He fucked a lassie forty times, now relate... hairs. Down in Subic Bay. And wouldna take her haim. The details of her famous Presidential luncheon 'Cause here you do just what you want and no Especially when the fleet was in. date. one really cares. So, she hopped a victory liner, Mrs. O'Malley she was there, All the way to Olongapo She had the crowd in fits, Monica, she had a thing for chowing down on 128 Where she learned to do the banana-cutter A-jumping off the mantelpiece, peters, Balham Vicar show. And landing on her tits. Especially ones that were attached to famous She's learned to do the circuit, world leaders. There once was a Balham vicar, From Kim Hae to Taegu The minister's wife was at the ball, She really preferred hashers to shower her with Who said to his curate, Keeping Team Spirit troops alive. A-sitting in the front, goo, I'll bet I've fucked more women than you, She's a great tent heater, A wreath of flowers 'round her ass, But if a hasher ain't around, a President will do. And the curate said, you're on. And she blows without kimche breath, A carrot up her cunt. And the curate said, you're on. All the boys along the DMZ. Inside the Oval Office, Bill's pup tent made her We'll stand outside the church this day, Father O'Flannigan he was there, moan. And this will be our sign: She married a lieutenant, And in the corner he sat, She couldn't wait to get a hold of Mr. Clinton's You ding-a-ding for the women you've fucked, And got a visa to the States. Amusing himself BY abusing himself, bone. And I'll dong-a-dong for mine, for mine. The hope and dream of all the bar girls here. And catching it in his hat. She dropped to her knees on the Presidential And I'll dong-a-dong for mine, for mine. But after a winter in Minot, Seal She froze her little twat, And proceeded to unwrap her McClinton Happy Well there were more ding-a-dings and dong-a- And caught the freedom bird back to Angeles. Meal. dongs, (the Executive Branch ... White House tube Till a pretty young bird came by, steak ... rising to the challenge And curate went ding-ding. of the Office) Oh, said the vicar, don't ding-a-ding there, 130 She gobbled and she slurped and she slobbered That's my wife I do declare, Ball of Kirriemuir like a dog. Hell said the curate, I don't care. She nearly stripped the bark off Slick Willie's Ding-a-ding-a-ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, Oh the Ball, the Ball of Kirriemuir, Lincoln Log. Ding-a-ding-a-ding, ding, dong. Where your wife and my wife, Bill couldn't hold back any more. He launched 129 Were a-doing on the floor. his mighty SCUD. Balibago Mount Arayat High He saw the intern's bulging cheeks. He hadn't (To: Rocky Mountain High. Used as the Ange- Chorus fired a dud. les HHH Anthem in the Philippines.) Singing, balls to your partner, Arse against the wall. Even though she tried, she couldn't swallow all She was born in a grass hut, If you've never been fucked on Saturday night, of it, In a field in Cebu. You'll never get fucked at all." And what she couldn't flew her way and scored Destined to a life of poverty. a direct hit. But at the age of thirteen, Four and twenty virgins, It covered her from head to toe. Her hair was She had a change of heart, Came down from Inverness, just a mess, And moved to downtown Angeles. And when the ball was over, Not to mention what it did to her favorite party There were four and twenty less, dress. Chorus Where the Balibago Mount Arayat High, Four and twenty prostitutes, Just like Billy's wiener, the story also I've seen it raining pesos in the sky. Came up from Glockamore, leaked,And it spread all around the world in just Sit around Fields Avenue and screw the TDY. And only one went home that night, a few short weeks. Mt Arayat High, Balibago, And she was double-bore. The couple's reputations have now been soundly Mt Arayat High, Balibago. trashed. She hopped in a jeepney, The Parson's daughter she was there, The village smithy he was there, The doctor's daughter she was there, The cunning little runt, Jock McVenning he was there, Sitting by the fire, She went to gather sticks. With poison ivy up her ass, A looking for a fuck, Doing abortions by the score, She couldna find a blade of grass, And thistle up her cunt. But every bitch was occupied, With a red-hot piece of wire. For cunts and standing dicks. And he was out of luck. Bayard Stockton he was there, The blacksmith's brother he was there, The village postman he was there, Drunk beyond a doubt. McCardew-Roberts he was there, A mighty man was he, The poor man had the pox, He tried to stuff the parson's wife, His dick was all alert, He lined them up against the wall, He couldna fuck the lassies, But couldna get the root. But when half the night was done, And fucked them three by three. So he fucked the letter box. 'Twas dangling in the dirt. The Vicar's wife she was there, Now farmer Giles he was there, The village butcher he was there, A-sitting by the fire, Lindsay Bedogni he was there, His sickle in his hand, His cleaver in his hand Knitting rubber Johnnies, And he was in despair. And when he swung the blade around, And every time he turned around, Out of India rubber tire. He couldna get his dick, He circumcized the band. He circumcised the band. Through the tangles in his hair. The Vicar's wife she drank beer, Giles he played a dirty trick, The village economist, he was there, Back up against the wall, Dino had a even stroke, We cannot let it pass, His penis in his hand, "Put your money on the table boys, His skill was much admired, He showed his lass his mighty prick, Waiting for the time to come, I'm fit to do ye all." He gratified one cunt at a time, Then shoved it up her ass. When supply would meet demand. Until his skill expired. The Vicar and his lovely wife, Farmer Brown he was there, The tax collector he was there, Were having lots of fun, One village idiot he was there, A' jumping on his hat, Collecting all his tax, The Parson had his finger, Sitting on a pole. For half an acre of his corn The woman who couldna pay, Up another lady's bum. He pulled his foreskin o'er his head, Was fairly fucking flat. Were paying on their backs. And whistled through the hole. The Queen was in the parlor, Officer O'Malley he was there, The village lawyer he was there, Eating bread and honey, The horny idiot he was there, The pride of all the force. Collecting all his fees, The King was in the chambermaid, A-leaning on the gate. They found him in the stable, The men who couldna pay, And she was in the money. He couldna find a cunt, Wanking off his horse. Were paying on their knees. So he had to flatulate. First lady forward, The chimney sweep he was there, The village baker she was there, Second lady back, Another idiot he was there, They had to throw him out, All covered up in dough, Third lady's finger, He wasn't such a fool, For every time he passed his wind, Men were kneading her up and down,And slip- Up the fourth lady's crack. He pulled his foreskin over his head, The room was filled with soot, pin' it in her ho'. And whistled thru his tool. The bride was in the kitchen, The village builder he was there, The village witch she was there, Explaining to the groom. The village magician he was there, He brought his bag of tricks, In an upstairs' room, The vagina, not the rectum, Doing his favorite trick, He poured cement in all the holes, The men were ignoring her, Is the entrance to the womb. Pulling his foreskin over his head, And blunted all the pricks. So she was riding on her broom. And vanishing up his prick. Little Jimmy he was there, The groom was in the parlor, The village cripple he was there, The leader of the choir, The local herder he was there, Explaining to his bride. He wasn't up too much, He hit the balls of all the boys, And he began to weep, The penis not the scrotum, He lined them up against the wall To make their voices higher. All these willing ladies, Is the part that goes inside. And shagged them with his crutch. And not a single sheep. Little Tommy he was there, Mick McMudock when he got there, He was only eight, The village decorator he was there, His prick was long and high,But when he He was too small for the women, Interiors he likes to design, fucked her forty times, So he had to masturbate. Men were leery of him, He was fucking mighty dry. For he'd fuck them from behind. The village doctor he was there, McTavish, oh yes, he was there, He had his bag of tricks, The village nurse she was there, His prick was long and broad, And in between the dances, Checking all the cocks, And when he fucked the furrier's wife, He was sterilizing pricks. She said of all these blisters, She had to be rebored. It isn't chicken pox. For the swishing of the pricks. 132 The local harlot she was there, She undressed before my sight, The Ballad Of The Bobbit Hillbillies A lay'in on the floor, There was fucking in the kitchen, We went at it all that night, (To: The Beverly Hillbillies. Words in paren- And every time she spread her legs, And fucking in the halls. Her little body shaking stem to stern; theses spoken not sung.) The vacuum shut the door. The most predominate sound, And the blackbird and the robin, Was the clanging of the balls. Saw her little butt a'bobbin, Come and listen to my story 'bout a man named The village leper he was there, As I spun her little ball of yarn. John, Sitting on a log. They were fucking in the ante-room, A poor ex-Marine with a little fraction gone. Pealing off his foreskin, And fucking on the stairs. It was two months after that, It seems one night after gettin' with the wife, And feeding it to the dog. You couldna see the carpet, In the office where I sat,Never dreaming she She lopped off his schlong with the swipe of a For the cunts and curly hairs. had done me any harm; knife. The village doctor he was there, And a doctor dressed in white, said, Penis that is, clean cut, missed his nuts. Examining all the men. There was fucking in the cornfield, "Man, your pecker is a sight, Having them turn their heads, Fucking in the oats, It's been tangled in a little ball of yarn." Well, the next thing you know there's a Ginsu and grabbing all he can. Most were doing lassies, by his side, But ______was doing the goats. It was nine months to the day, And Lorena's in the car takin' willie for a ride. The village prince he was there, In the bathtub where I lay, She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend, With his sword in hand. Jockie Stewart did his fucking, I felt a heavy hand on my arm; And tossed him out the window as she went Every time he turned around Right upon the moor. And a policeman with a hose, around a bend. He circumcised the band. It was, he thought, much better,Than fucking on Said, "Get up and get your clothes!" Curve that is, pricker shrubs, wheel hubs. the floor. "You're the father of a little ball of yarn!" The groom was all excited, She went to the cops and confessed to the at- And racing 'round the halls, There was fucking on the highways, In my prison cell I sit, tack, A-stumblin' on his pecker, And fucking on the lanes, In my bathrobe in my shame, And they called out the hounds just to get his And tripping o'er his balls. You couldna hear the music, The shadow of my finger on the wall; weenie back. For the rattling of the panes. And the ladies as they pass, They sniffed and they barked and they pointed The elders of the church, Stick their hatpins up my ass! "over there", To John Wayne's Henry that was waiving in the Who were far to old to firk, And when the ball was over, And little mice play hopscotch, air. All sat around the table, Everyone confessed, With my little ball of yarn. Found that is, by a fence, evidence. Were they had a circle jerk. They all enjoyed the dancing, Now Peter and John couldn't stay apart too long, But the fucking was the best. So a Dick Doc said, "Hey I can fix that Dong!", There was fucking in the haystacks, "A needle and a thread is all you're gonna Fucking in the ricks, And so the ball was over, need," You couldna hear the music, They all went home to rest, And the whole world waited till they heard that for the swishing of the pricks. And the music has been exquisite, Johnny peed.

But the fucking was the best. Whizzed that is, even seam, straight stream. A couple of Hashmen they were there, A' looking for a fuck 131 Well, he healed and he hardened and he took his But all the cunts were occupied, Ball of Yarn case to court, And they were out of luck. With a cockeyed lawyer since his assets came

Chorus up short. They were fucking in the parlor, Ball of yarn, ball of yarn, They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of They were fucking in the grass, Ball of yarn, ball of yarn, rape, And all that you could see were waves, That's when I spun her little ball of yarn. And his pecker was the only one they didn't Of undulating ass. Ball of yarn, ball of yarn, show on tape. Ball of yarn, ball of yarn, Video that is, unexposed, case closed. There was fucking on the couches, That's when I spun her little ball of yarn. Ya all "cum" back now, hear? There was fucking in the cots, And lying up against the wall, It was in the month of June, Were rows of grinning cunts. When the flowers are in bloom, I found her sitting out behind the barn; There was fucking in the hallways, As she shoveled up the gobs, There was fucking in the ricks. So I gently pinched her knobs, Your couldna hear the music, And asked to spin her little ball of yarn. 133 134 Where lepers decompose, The Ballad of OJ Simpson Balls of O'Leary A leper picked a snotty from, Harriettes: (To: The Ballad of Lizzie Borden) Another leper's nose. "Who's that knocking at my door?" The balls of O'Leary, Said the leper to the leper, "Who's that knocking at my door?" Yesterday out in Los Angeles, Are wrinkled and hairy, "We're here to decompose, "Who's that knocking at my door?" Nicole and Ronald died. They're stately and shapely, Not to pick a snotty from, Said the fair young maiden. And they busted OJ Simpson Like the dome of Saint Paul's. Another leper's nose." On a charge of homicide. The women all muster, Harriers: Well, he might not have done it, To view that great cluster, Way down in Barcelona, "It's Barnacle Bill, from over the hill," But the media thinks he did, Oh, they stand and they stare, Where ladies learn to swim, Said Barnacle Bill, the sailor. And Michael Jackson's volunteered At the bloody great pair, A lady put her finger up, "It's Barnacle Bill, from over the hill," To take care of the kids! Of O'Leary's balls. Another lady's quim. Said Barnacle Bill, the sailor. Said the lady to the lady, 'Cause you can't cut your exes up in California, 135 "We're here to learn to swim, Harriettes: Contrary to all popular belief. The Banana Song Not to put our fingers up, "Why are you knocking at my door?", No, you can't cut your exes up in California, (To: Yes, We Have No Bananas) Another lady's quim." "Why are you knocking at my door?", You know it's gonna cause a lot of grief. "Why are you knocking at my door?", Yes, we have no ba-nan-as, Way down in Barcelona, Said the fair young maiden. Well, he might have used a razor, We have no ba-nan-as to-day. Where beggars beg for food, 'Cause the airline lost his gun, We've limp ones and thick ones and A beggar chucked a lunger,In another beggar's Harriers: But he didn't use a hatchet, ravages and sick ones, gruel. "Cos I'm young enough, and ready and tough," 'Cause that's already been done! And all kinds of dicks and say! Said the beggar to the beggar, Said Barnacle Bill, the sailor. Now poor OJ's in the jailhouse, We have an old, fash-ioned cu-cum-ber, "We're here to beg for food, "Cos I'm young enough, and ready and tough," And they're looking for the knife. To please you till you slum-ber. Not to chuck a lunger in, Said Barnacle Bill, the sailor. For just ten million dollars, But, yes we have no ba-nan-as, Another beggar's gruel." He might get off with life! We have no ba-nan-as today. Harriettes continue to sing first lines and harri- Way down in Barcelona, ers the second lines with the same repeats and 'Cause you can't cut up your exes in California, 136 Where wankers yank their crank, style as above. And then blame all the damage on the heat. Barcelona A wanker took a yank of, No, you can't cut up your exes in California, (To: Manana) Another wanker's crank. "Shall I come and let you in?" With evidence upon the Bronco seat! Said the wanker to the wanker, "Open the door, you dirty old whore," Chorus "We're here to yank our crank, Not to yank a crank of, You can sell a ton of crack Manana, manana, "Will you sleep upon the floor?" And the cops will turn their back. Is my banana good enough for you? Another wanker's crank." "Get off the floor, you dirty old whore," You can rape and burn and loot; They don't want another suit. Way down in Barcelona, Way down in Barcelona, "Will you sleep upon the mat?" You can peddle phony stock Where the miners shovel coal, Where ladies learn to knit, "Bugger the mat, you can't fuck that," Like they do in Little Rock, A miner shoved a shovel up, A lady stuck a knitting needle, But you can't turn your ex into a Pez Dispenser. In another lady's tit. Another miners hole, California is a far cry from DC! Said the lady to the lady, Said the miner to the miner, "Will you sleep upon the stairs?" "We're here to learn to knit, We're here to shovel coal, "Bugger the stairs, they got no hairs,"

No, you can't cut up your exes in California, Not to stick a knitting needle, And not to shove a shovel up, And then go out and drive around the town! In another lady's tit." Another miners hole. "Will you sleep upon my breasts?" No, you can't cut up your exes in California, "Bugger your tits, they give me the shits," It's almost sure to make the jury frown! Way down in Barcelona, Way down in New York City, Where drummers play the drum, Where the cabbies drive so fast. "Will you sleep between my thighs?""Cut the A drummer stuck a drumstick up, A cabby rammed his cab up, talk and open your fork," Another drummer's bum. Another cabbies ass, Said the drummer to the drummer, Said the cabby to the cabby, "Will you sleep within my cunt?" "We're here to play the drum, (Wind down window), "Bugger your cunt but I'll fuck for a stunt," Not stick a drumstick up, FERK YOU - BUDDY! Another drummer's bum." "What if we should have a child?" 137 "Smother the bugger and fuck for another," Way down in Barcelona, Barnacle Bill (To: Barnicle Bill the Sailor) "What if we should have a girl?" He'd have to Frenchman's balls. 140 Life is disconceting, "We'll dig a ditch and bury the bitch." He offered half the royal purse, Be My Guest To a flirter who's not flirting, And a piece of the Queen Hortense, (To: Be Our Guest) He's not whole without a soul, 138 To any British subject, To jump upon. Barney's Hash Song Who could do the King of France. Be My Guest (By Smoking Wiener, to: I Love You) Be my guest, Ah those good old days when I was fruitful, So the noble Duke of Middlesex, Be my guest, Tonight we'll be fruitful until dawn, I love you! He took himself to France, Put my service to the test, Three weeks it's been missing, You love me! He swore he was a fairy,So the king let drop his Wrap your legs around my waist cherie, Needing so much more than kissing. We'll go hashing, wait and see! pants, And I will do the rest. Needing exercise, a chance to use its skill, With a great big mug! Then on Philip's dong he slipped a throng, Menage a trois, 69, Most days I just jerk off in the bathroom, And a beer from me to you! Leaped on his horse and galloped along, Without your clothes you look just fine. Flabby, fat and lazy, First we'll down down, then we'll screw! Dragging the Frenchman back, Try the white stuff, it's delicious, You walk in and I go crazy. To merry old England. Don't believe me? Ask da bitches. 139 They can scream, they can moan, It's a guest! Bastard King of England When the returned to London town, When I give them all the bone, It's a guest! (To: The Irish Washerwoman) Within fair England's shores, Cuz a screwing here is never 2nd best! Sakes alive she's got a chest, Because of the ride King Philip's pride, Come on unzip my pants, Wine's been poured, Oh, the minstrels sing of an English King, Was stretched a yard or more. Then take a look, a glance, And I've been bored, Of many long years ago, And all the whores in silken drawers, Be my guest! Gosh I'd love to stroke her breast, He ruled his land with an iron hand, Came down to London town, I'm the best! With dessert she'll want me, Though his mind was weak and slow. And shouted round the battlements, Be my guest! With some luck we'll make it three, He loved to hunt the royal stag, "To hell with the British Crown." While the bed starts in a-squeaking, Around the royal wood, Be my love, I'll be coming, I'll be peaking. Be my slave, But better by far he loved to sit, And Philip alone usurped the throne, You'll get warm, piping hot, Let's kick back and watch some Dave. And pound the royal pud. His scepter was his royal bone, Heaven's sakes, is that a spot? I'll prepare, With which he ditched the Bastard King of Eng- Clean it up, we want the company impressed. Extraordinaire, land. I've got you to do, Chorus And then I'll spelunk in your cave. Was that one fuck or two? He was lousy and dirty and covered in fleas, The hair on his balls hung down to his knees, Rule Britannia, Marmalade and jam, For you my guest, We're alone and you're scared, And he had his women in twos and threes. Five Chinese crackers up your arsehole, She's my guest. But the bedroom's all prepared, God bless the Bastard King of England. Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. No one's ever been complaining, My command is your request, Cuz I'm always entertaining. Now the Queen of Spain was an amorous Jane, It's been three weeks since, I sell smokes, you turn trix, I've seen anybody's peaks, And a sprightly wench was she, I'm the dick to end all Dicks! She longed to fool with the royal tool, And I'm obsessed. Lick me, bite me, suck me, blow me, give me From far across the sea. head. You're a treat, you're a tease, So she sent a royal message, You're such a nice young lass, Yes indeed I aim to please, With a royal messenger, Come on and shake your ass. Through the night we'll keep a-going, To invite the King of England down, To spend the night with her. Pretty soon you'll be a glowing, Be my guest, Thrust by thrust, If you're stressed, One by one, Now 'ol' Philip of France he heard by chance, It's my love spear I suggest, Within his royal court, Till you shout "Enough, I've come", Be my guest, Then I'll whisk you off to bed for oral sex, And he swore, "She loves my rival best, I'm the best, Because my tool is short, Tonight you'll prop your feet up, Be my guest! And I'll start to eat up, So he hurried off to Spain, Where he did the deed again, Be my guest, To give the Queen a dose of clap, I'm the best! To pass it on to the Bastard King of England. Be my guest! 141 When news of this foul deed was heard, Be My Guest Within the royal halls, (Female version. By by Deep Chocolate of Etna The King he swore by the royal whore, Hash House Harriers. To: Be Our Guest)

Be My Guest Lonely days I just play with the shower nozzle. Shove your log in a dog... 54 Be a queer with a deer... Be my guest, You can lay there and be lazy, (Songmaster:) All together now! 55 Have a shaggin' with a dragon... Be my guest, Let me on top and I'll go crazy! 56 Up the anus of a platypus... Put my service to the test, 2 Up the rear of a deer...etc. 57 Get the pox off a fox... Put my legs around your waist good sir, Be my guest! 3 Intercourse with a horse... 58 Any which way with a jay... And I will do the rest. Be my guest! 4 Have a fuck with a duck... 59 Have a hug with a bug... Menage a trois, 69, Oh man, has he been blessed!We can do it on 5 Chuck your sperm in a worm... 60 Make some porn with a unicorn... Without our clothes it feels so fine. the floor, 6 Lick the twat of a cat... 61 Put it through a gnu... Hey the white stuff, is such good stuff, 'Till that becomes a bore, 7 Do an illegal with an eagle... 62 Have a goose with a moose... I just can't, get enough. Then move on, for an all nighter fest. 8 Up the hole of a mole... 63 Up the cunt of a runt... I can suck, I can lick, You can have some fun with me, 9 Give some cock to a croc... 64 Get frisky with a pixie... If you give me, your hard dick. I got hole, oh I've got three! 10 Shoot your load in a toad... 65 In the Bahamas with some llamas... Cause a screwing here is never second best! While the bed is a breaking, 11 Have a rape with an ape... 66 Up the flue of a shrew... Come on take off my pants, We'll be cuming, bodys shaking. 12 Get in deep with a sheep... 67 Have a filler with a gorilla... Then take a look, a glance, 13 Have a frig with a pig... 68 In the lake with a drake... Be my guest! I'll be warm, wet and hot, 14 Up the thigh of a fly... 69 Get your release in a fleece... I'm the best! Oh Baby! Yeah, that's the spot! 15 Give your gerbil some verbal... 70 Put it in the mid of a squid... Be my guest! Fill it up, cause I never, settle for less. 16 Fool with the tool of a mule... 71 Make it course with a horse... I've got you to do, 17 In the esophagus of an octapus... 72 Help old Watson with a dachshund... Be my playmate, Was that one night or two? 18 Make it twirl in a squirrel... 73 Soixante-neuf with a smurf... Be my slave, For you my guest, 19 Down the throat of a goat... 74 Put it in the mouth of a sloth... I promise I'll, be a good lay. Be my guest. 20 Shove your willy up a filly... 75 Get your oats with some stoats... I'll prepare, My command is your request, 21 Stick you rod up a cod... 76 In the lake with a drake... Etraordinaire, It's been too long, 22 Up the spout of a trout... 77 A dirty weekend in Wirral with a squirrel... And then we'll screw all night away. Since I've cum, 23 Do it funky with a monkey... 78 In the lug of a slug... And I am so obsessed. 24 Put your noodle to a poodle... 79 Have a squirm with a worm...80 Have a We're alone, don't be scared, 25 Make love with a dove... cracker with a quacker... 'Cause my dear, I'm well prepared. A tasty treat, I'm such a tease, 26 Be very pleasant to a pheasant... 81 Go and defile a crocodile... No one's ever been complaining, But indeed I aim to please, 27 Sixty-nine with a swine... 82 In a bag with a stag... While I am entertaining. Through the night we'll keep on boning, 28 Cunnilingo with a dingo... 83 Have a lark with an aardvark... You lose words, when I play games, Pretty soon I will be moaning. 29 Up the tail of a whale... 84 In a heap with a sheep... But with a gag in your mouth, there's not much Thrust by thrust, 30 Up the ass of a bass... 85 Have a deer from the rear... that Dick in cunt, 31 Wear out a bug on the rug… 86 Go the whole way with a moray... you can say! 'Till you shout, "Enough, I've cum!" 32 Mate a 'gator then fellate her... 87 Have a toss with a hoss... Lick me, bite me, suck me, screw me, tie me Then I'll go down on you for oral sex, 33 Up the box of a fox... 88 Put your thang in an orangoutang... down. Tonight I'll prop my feet up, 34 Have a shag with a stag... 89 In the ear of a deer... Take me from the back, So that you can eat up, 35 Nibble the twat of a rat... 90 Make it limp in a chimp... Go on and slap my ass. Be my guest, 36 In the dark with a shark... 91 Beat you wick with a stick... Be my guest, I'm the best, 37 Ejaculate in a skate... 92 Up the toot-toot of a coot... If you're stressed, Please Be my guest! 38 Part the hare of a mare... 93 Be a rotter with an otter... It's my pussy I suggest, 39 Have a screw with a shrew... 94 Put your cock in a peacock... Be my guest, 142 40 On top of the easel with a weasel... 95 In the bog with a dog... I'm the best, Beastiality's Best 41 Lick the clit of a nit... 96 Have a chimp with an imp... Be my guest! (To: Tie Me Kangaroo Down) 42 Drink the pee of a bee... 97 Come from behind with a hind... 43 Give a half to a giraffe... 98 Up the back of a yak... 99 On a train with a crane... Life can be so blue, Chorus 44 Give a lickin' to a chicken... For a nympho without a screw. 45 Go a rounder with a flounder... 100 Anyway you can with a pelican... Beastiality's best, boys, beastiality's best... 101 On a honeymoon with a raccoon... I'm not happy without a pole, (Echo) Fuck a wallaby! 46 Make it wonky with a donkey... To fill my hole. 47 In the sack with yak.... (And it never ends, make up your own!) Beastiality's best, boys, beastiality's best! Ah those good old days when we did it all night 48 Get a suck from a duck... 49 Get under the tail of a snail... long, 1 Tonight we can play untill the break of dawn. 50 Up the fanny of a nanny... 143 Shove your log in a dog, boys, 51 Get it out for a trout... Three hours it's been missing, Shove your log in a dog. The Beat Goes On Needing so much more than kissing, 52 Up the hole of a sole... (To: The Beat Goes On) (Echo) Fuck a wallaby! 53 On the lawn with a prawn... Needing excercise, a chance to use my skill. (You've gotta) shove your log in a dog, boys, Chorus 144 stick." You know I don't mind the smoking, or the The beat goes on, Bengali One So Long halitosis, a few bad zits, or a mild neurosis. The beat goes on. So I gave my honey a rambutan, Hands keep pounding ryth-m on my dick (twat). Bengali one so long, Soft and prickly, how the juices ran, A little B.O.., or a flabby gut, La da da da di, Melayu one potong, She said, "I've seen a fruit like this before, But I just can't hack your big fat butt. La da da da da. Indian one so dark and strong, But it had a long stalk and two pips in the core." Orang Puteh just like sotong. Your big fat butt, Fornicating was once the rage, uh - huh, She met a china man, Him Hung Low, Your big fat butt, Sodomy was for any age, uh - huh. All Hash Mens' hard and strong, They got married, went to Mexico, Don't want to be seen with that big fat butt. A handjob now and then is the best thing, uh - They can go for ten furlong, But she divorced him very quick, huh, Darling, please don't ask for tolong, She said, "I want bamboo, not chopstick." I don't mind your bad grooming habits, 'Cause AIDS is now the newborn sexual king, And we will carry on and on. You can bay at the moon, uh - huh, 147 You can go run rabbits. and... There is a lady in sarong, Big Fat Ass In fact, I can name a few tests you pass, The groc'ry store has condoms now, uh - huh, She prefers it done on a palong, But you just flunked out with that big fat ass, But some would rather screw a cow, uh - huh, To her surprise we can stand so long, Here's a song about something we've all seen, And men down under still like to shag sheep, uh Because one fails the rest will carry on. About a girl with everything. Your big fat ass, - huh, Looks and brains, and personality, Your big fat ass, 'Lec-tric'ly the girls dildo to sleep, uh - huh. 145 And more of something else than there ought to I'm giving you an "F" for your big fat ass. and... Bicycle Built for Two be. Here's another little verse about the same old Grandmas sit in chairs and reminisce, uh - huh, Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer true, Living in the land of good and plenty here, thing, Little girls now only kiss, uh - huh, Daisy, Daisy, wouldn't you like to screw? We've got a lot of good food, wine, and beer. About this girl with everything. And women realize they're out of luck, uh - huh, I really must beg your pardon, Hard to keep trim with all that going on, Looks and brains, and personality, It's hard today to get a decent fuck, uh - huh. But I've got a hell of a hard-on, But a single man might sing this song: And a rear like a five ton GMC. and... From beating my meat against the seat, Of a bicycle built for two. Hey look at those girls sitting over there. We're living in the land of good and plenty here, From here they all look pretty fair. Too damn much food, and wine, and beer. (To: Working For the Yankee Dollar) Look at them jugs, and loose fitting dress, Hard to keep trim with all that going on, I asked my lady what should I do, Tell tale signs of a big fat ass. But married man might sing this song: To make her happy, not make her blue,She said, "The only thing I want from you, A big fat ass, Now baby, what the hell can I do with you? Is a little bitty of the big bamboo." A big fat ass, To buy you dinner costs the price of two. God damn I hate a big fat ass. To games, to shows, you need two seats, Chorus The city's planning wider streets. She wanted the big bamboo, bamboo, So just stay put, we'll drink some beer, Eye eye-eye eye-eye-eye, We can't be sure from over here, Wider walks, Working for the Yankee dollar. When she goes to the john it'll tell the tale, Wider seats, I told you so, it's a baby whale. Now we've got to have wider streets. So I gave her a coconut, A baby whale, She said, "I like him, he's okay, A baby whale, Well, you broke my chair with those humong- But there's just one thing that worries me, I won't put moves on a baby whale. ous hocks, What good are the nuts without the tree?" The car's gotten four new overload shocks. Here's another little verse about the same old You broke the toilet and an escalator, So I sold my lady a banana plant, thing, Now you've got to ride in a freight elevator. She said, "I like him, he's elegant, About this girl with everything. We should not let him go to waste, Looks and brains, and personality, A freight elevator, But he's much too soft to suit my taste." And more in back than what's meant for me. And an escalator, You even crushed your new vibrator. Continued... We're living in the land of good and plenty here, Well about this girl with everything, So I bought my lady a sugar cane, Too much food, and wine, and beer. This candidate for Dairy Queen. The fruit of fruits, I did explain, Hard to keep fit with all that going on, She's pissed off now so I'll end this song, But she was tired of him very quick, But her boyfriend might just sing this song: Get rid of them buns and we'll get it on. She said, "I'd rather get my lips around your dip Get it on. Get it on, Late night eating with harriets, A pint of two, I will share. Love and cherish, all that crap, Get rid of them buns and we'll get it on. And also maybe some food, I'm -- gon-na be free, A tubby tum, weighty gain, The constant rumble of engines, On In I'll be, Prams and nappies, labor pain, 148 And "Enforcers" with attitude. 'Cause I'm the Bloody Hare. Begins to realize what he did, Big Red Rose To Chorus until bored. Nagging wife and screaming kid, (To: When You Wore a Tulip) The ridiculous "no public drinking", Sweats his ass off, works his stint; Though chug contests abound, 152 Only pleasure is evening time, She wore her panties, her pretty pink panties, Winning every last one of them, Born Dead When mattress creaks she's off again, And I wore my BVDs. By entering a ringer hound. (To: Born Free) Can't forsake those sexy habits, First I caresses her, and then I undressed her, Breeding kids like bloody rabbits. What a thrill she gave to me. Bike Week,Time to Drink, Born dead! I played with her boobies, her great big white Bike Week, Your baby was born dead; 154 boobies, Time to Drink, All torso and no head, The Boy's Song and Girl's Song And down where the short hair grows. Bike Week. Born dead to live in a jar. What could be sweeter as I played with my Harriers begin.... peter, 150 Stay dead! The Boy's Song And white-washed her big red rose? Bitch a Dog (To: Do, Re, Mi) Don't come back to haunt me; You really don't want me, I'm in love with the girl next door... 149 Bitch, a dog, a female dog, Born dead to live in a jar. Smell my finger, Bike Week Itch, a place for you to scratch, She's a big one.

Hitch, I pull my knickers up, Brain dead! Smell my elbow, Salmon swimming up a stream, Grab, another word for snatch, Your husband is brain dead; She's enormous. Bikers having Harley dreams, Bath, a place for making gin, A vein popped in his head, Smell my armpit, Co-eds rubbing on sun creams, Sex, another word for sin, Brain dead so why not fuck me. She's gigantic. Time for Bike Week fun it seems. Prick, a needle going in, Smell my ankle...

And that will bring us back to I'm dead! Harriettes retaliate...The Girl's Song For once Jammies is gone, Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch... You killed me for money; And toes will be spit free, You were such a honey, I'm in love with the boy next door... But now one has to watch Mullet, 151 I'm dead so you can be free. Where's his pecker? If you don't want a shoe full of pee. Bloody Hare (To: Duke of Earl) I can't find it.

Your dead! Guess I missed it. Unending beer once again, Chorus You fucked one too many; Want a big one. A 72-hour pub crawl, Hare, Hare, Hare, You got AIDS a plenty, Got a small one. Random acts of debauchery, Blood-y Hare, Hare, Hare, You're dead, thank God, you're dead! Want a stiff one. And hounds passed out in halls. Blood-y Hare, Hare, Hare, Got a limp one.

Blood-y Hare, Hare, Hare. 153 Hare, Hare, Hare, Boy Meets Girl Blood-y Hare, Hare, Hare, Blood-y Hare, Hare, Hare, Boy meets girl, holds her hand, Blood-y Hare, Hare, Hare, Visions of a promised land, Tender words, cling and kiss, Solo 1: Crafty feel, heavenly bliss, As I -- run through the square, Nibble nipples, squeeze thighs, Nothing can stop -- the Bloody Hare. Gets a beat, feels a rise, And you -- can not sna-are --, Eyes ablaze, drawers down, And no one can catch me --, Really starts to go to town, Yes I'm -- gon-na be free, Legs outspread, virgin lass, On In I'll be, Fanny foams like bottled Bass, 'Cause I'm the Bloody Hare. Ram it home, moans of joy, To Chorus Teenage love, girl meets boy, Solo 2: Love's a jewel, pearls he's won, When I -- drink my beer --, Shoots his load, what's he done, You will be -- just half- way here --, Comes the payoff, here's the rub, But you -- nev-er fe-ar, He's got her in the puffing club, Comes the wedding, bridesmaids flap, 155 Back your ass against the wall, 159 I cannot let it go, Breathalyzed Here I come, balls and all, Can You Walk a Little Way With It In? Un-til your seeds you sow, (To: Yesterday) Bye, bye, cherry! (To: Billy Boy) For I love you and I want to be a mother. Won't your mother be disgusted, Breathalyzed, When she finds your cherry's busted, Harriers ask and harriettes answer. 160 Crystals turning green before my eyes. Bye, bye, cherry! Can you walk a little way, Can't Hash Today I can hardly realize, Wrap your legs around a little tighter, With it in, with it in? That I have just been breathalyzed. I can feel my load is getting lighter, Can you walk a little way, Dear Hash I sing this song to tell you of my Suddenly, Shake your ass and wiggle your tits, With it in-nnn? plight, There's a policeman standing over me. Till my little pecker spits, At the time of writing I am not a pretty sight. I'd like to punch him but he's six foot three, Cherry, bye bye! I can do it with a smile, Me body is all black and blue; and me face a And I would like to stay alive. I can walk a bloody mile, deathly gray, 158 For I love you and I want to be a mother. And I hope you'll understand why I can't Hash Chorus Bye, Bye Blackbird today. He said, "We'd like to test your blood for alco- (To: Bye, Bye Blackbird) Can you pour me frosty beer, hol." With it in, with it in? I was working on the fourteenth floor, some I said, "Go away, you'll get nothing, Dracula." Once a boy was no good, Can you pour me frosty beer, bricks I had to clear, Took a girl into a wood, With it in-nnn? And throwin' 'em down from such a height was Reality, Bye, Bye Blackbird. not a good idea. Five hundred milligrams per 100 mils. Laid her down upon the grass, I can poor your frosty beer, The foreman wasn't very pleased, he bein' an Now they reckon, I'm a mobile still, Pinched her tits and slapped her ass, Even with your mug in here, awful sod, and I have to be penalized. Bye, Bye Blackbird. For I love you and I want to be a mother. He said that I'd have to take them down the Custody, Took her where nobody else could find her, ladder in me hod. To a place where he could really grind her. Now shiftin' all them bricks by hand seemed so When they took me to the local mick, Can you sing a pretty tune, I've never seen a policeman move so quick, Rolled her over on her front, awful slow, Shoved his cock right up her cunt,Blackbird, With it in, with it in? So I hoisted up a barrel and secured a rope be- But not as quick, as I got sick. Can you sing a pretty tune, Bye Bye. low. With it in-nnn? But in my haste to do the job, I was too blind to Misery, But this girl she was no sport, see, And the judge says I must join AA, I can sing a pretty tune, And take the bus for 60 days. Took her story to a court, That a barrel full of buildin' bricks was heavier Bye, Bye Blackbird. Under your most handsome moon, than me. Oh, why did I get breathalized? For I love you and I want to be a mother. Breathalyzed, Told her story in the morn, Judge and jury had a horn, Can you drive my father's car, Now when I came down I cut the rope and the Couldn't wait to get back to the car, With it in, with it in? But I hadn't gone very far, Bye, Bye, Blackbird. barrel fell like lead, Then the Judge came down with his decision, Can you drive my father's car, And clinging tightly to the rope I started up 'Til I again was breathalized. With it in-nnn? 156 This poor fuck got eighteen years in prison. instead. So next time boy, do it right, I shot up like a rocket, and to my dismay I By the Light I can drive your father's car, (To: By the Light of the Silvery Moon) Stuff her cunt with dynamite, found, Blackbird, Bye, Bye. To the local village bar, That halfways up, I met the bloody barrel com- For I love you and I want to be a mother. By the light (by the light, by the light), ing down. Now the barrel broke me shoulder as to the Of a flickering match, Can you stay upon my horse, I saw her snatch, ground it sped. With it in, with it in? And when I reached the top I struck the pulley In the watermelon patch. Can you stay upon my horse, with me head, With it in-nnn? I still clung on though numbed and shocked By the light (by the light, by the light), from this almighty blow, Of a flickering match, I can stay upon your horse, And the barrel spilled out half the bricks four- I saw it gleam, I heard her scream, And continue intercourse, teen floors below. You are burning my snatch, For I love you and I want to be a mother. With your fucking match. Now when the bricks had fallen from the barrel How soon can you let go, to the floor, 157 With it in, with it in? I then outweighed the barrel and they started up Bye Bye Cherry How soon can you let go, once more. (To: Bye Bye Blackbird) With it in-nnn? Clinging tightly to the rope as I headed for the

ground, And I fell among the broken bricks that were Up got Carolina all covered in muck. When you find yourself in springtime with a The elephant's prick is big and round, scattered all around. And said, "Oh dear, what a glorious fuck!" surge of sexual A small one scales a thousand pounds, Two paces forward and fell flat on the floor, joy, and you wife has got the rags on, Two together rock the ground, As I lay there moaning on the ground, I thought And that was the end of the cow-punchers And your daughter's feeling coy, As they revel in the joys of fornication. I passed the worst, whore. Then jam it up the jacksie of your favorite And the barrel struck the pulley wheel and did- choirboy, The Australian lady who, when she wants to n't the bottom burst. 162 As you revel in a smooth ejaculation. find a mate, A shower of bricks came down on me, sure I Cats on the Rooftops Wanders 'round the desert with a feather up her didn't have a hope, The ape is small and rather slow,Erect he stands date. And as I was losing consciousness, I let go the When you wake up in the morning with the just a foot or so, You should see that feather - when she meets bloody rope. devil of a stand, So when he comes, it's time to go, her destined fate, From the pressure of the liquid on the seminary As he revels in the joys of fornication. As she revels in the joys of fornication. Now the barrel being heavier started down once gland. The whale is a mammal, as everybody knows, more, If you haven't got a woman, use your own horny The orangutan is a colorful sight, He takes two days to have a shag, but when he's And landed right across me as I lay there on the hand, There's a glow on its arse like a pilot light, in the throws, floor. (Continued...) As you revel in the joys of masturbation. As he jumps and leaps - in the night, He doesn't stop to take it out - he piddles I broke three ribs and me left arm, and I can And revels in the joys of fornication. through his nose, only say, Chorus As he revels in the joys of fornication. That I hope you understand why I can't hash Cats on the rooftops, cats on the tiles, The flea disports among the trees, today. Cats with syphilis, cats with piles, And there consorts with whom he please, In Egypt's sunny clime, the crocodile, Cats with their assholes wreathed in smiles, To fill the land with bastard fleas, Gets a flip only once in a while, 161 As they revel in the joys of fornication. As he revels in the joys of fornication. But when he does - it floods the Nile, Carolina As he revels in the joys of fornication. (To: Sweet Betsy from Pike) The Regimental Sergeant Major leads a misera- The camel likes to have his fun, ble life, His night is made when he is done, The lady by the seaside was feeling very blue, Way down in Alabama where the bullshit lies He can't afford a mistress, and he doesn't have a He always gets two humps for one, She saw the children at it and she thought she'd thick, wife, As he revels in the joys of fornication. like it too, The girls are so pretty that the babies come So he puts it up the bottom of the Regimental So she bought three bananas - and she ate the quick. Fife, The owls in the trees and cats on the tiles, other two, There lives Carolina, the queen of them all, As he revels in the joys of fornication. One fucks in solitude, the other fucks in piles, As she reveled in the joys of masturbation. Carolina, Carolina, the cow-puncher's whore. You can hear their delighted howls and shrieks The poor old desert camel has no water for a for miles, The poor old rhinoceros, so it appears, She's handy, she's bandy, she shags in the street. week, As they revel in the joys of fornication. Never gets a grind in a thousand years, Whenever you meet her she's always in heat. And as he doesn't drink, the poor bugger cannot Long-legged curates grind like goats, But when he does - he makes up for arrears, If you leave your fly open she's after your meat, leak, Pale faced spinsters shag like shoats, As he revels in the joys of fornication. And the smell of her cunt knocks you right off So he has to hold his water -- so to speak, And the whole damn world stands by and your feet. As he revels in the joys of fornication. gloats, Little Mary Johnson will be seventeen next July, The donkey is a lonely bloke, As they revel in the joys of fornication. She's never had a naughty, but she thought she'd One night I was riding way down by the falls, It's very, very seldom that he ever gets a poke. like to try, One hand on my pistol, the other on my balls. But when he does- he lets it soak, Poor old Mr. Bengelstein, whose morals we So she took her daddy's walking stick and did it I saw Carolina there using a stick, And he revels in the joys of fornication. doubt, on the sly, Instead of the end of a cow-puncher's prick. He wanders round with his noodle hanging out, And she reveled in the joys of masturbation. The hippopotamus, so it seems, And when he sees a wench - it up and hits him I caressed her, undressed her, and laid her down Very, very seldom has wet dreams, in the snout, When you wake up in the morning with a devil there. But when he does -- it comes in streams, As he revels in the joys of fornication. of a stand, And parted the tresses of curly brown hair. As he revels in the joys of fornication. From the pressure of the liquid in you seminary Inserted the prick of my sturdy horse, The labors of the poofter find but little favor gland, And then there began a strange intercourse. The dainty little skylark sings a very pretty here. If you haven't got a woman - use your own song, But the morally leprous bastard has a peaceful fucking hand. Faster and faster went my sturdy steed, He has a ponderous penis fully forty cubits long. sleep I fear. As you revel in the joys of masturbation. Until Carolina rejoiced at the speed, You should hear his high crescendo- As he dreams he rips a red up some dirty ur- When all of a sudden my horse did back-fire, When his mate is on the prong, chin's rear, The poor domestic doggie on the chain all day, And shot Caroline right into the mire. As he revels in the joys of fornication. As he revels in the joys of fornication, Never gets a chance to let himself go play. So he licks at his dick - in a frantic way, As he revels in the joys of fornication, And when the deed was over, the wife she 164 Seafood she wanted, lobster , crabs she got... raised her head, Chapped Hide The ostrich in the desert is a solitary chick, And she was very surprised to find the boy be- (To: Rawhide) A lady came in for a floppy disk... Without the opportunity to dip its wick, side the bed, Floppy disk she wanted, my hard drive she got... But when he does - it slips in thick, "Now if you can keep my secret, boy, to you I Ballin', ballin', ballin', As he revels in the joys of fornication. will be kind, That boy he keeps on callin', A lady came in for a ticket... And you can have a rat-a-tat-tat, whenever you His crabs, they keep on crawlin', "Bangor," she wanted, bang her I did... The oyster is a paragon of purity, feel inclined. Chapped hide! And you can't tell the he from the she, A lady came in for a plumbing... But he can tell and so can she, You thought he was the right one, Plumbing she wanted, my pipe she got... As they revel in the joys of fornication. But he was a one-night stand one, He's shootin' blanks with his gun, A lady came in for a pipe... The wild boar is in the mud all day, Chapped hide! Pipe she wanted, hosed she got... Thinks of the sows that are far, far away,And the corkscrew motion of half a day, Pick him up, take him home, ride him hard, A lady came in for some coffee... As he revels in the joys of fornication. make him moan! "Ground," she wanted, brind her I did... Wake him up, saddle up, send him home! Chapped hide... Yee Haw! Now a funny old fish is the old sperm whale, A lady came in for a cake...

With a funny little diddle tucked under his tail, "Layer," she wanted, bay her I did... And he rides his missus in the teeth of a gale, 165 As he revels in the joys of fornication. A lady came in for a down quilt... Chicago "Goose," she wanted, boose her I did... (To: The Bear Went Over the Mountain) Now I met a girl and she was a dear,

And she gave me a dose of gonorrhea, A lady came in for some lamp oil... Chorus Fools rush in where angels fear, "Whale," she wanted, sperm her I did... I used to work in Chicago, As I reveled in the joys of fornication. In a department store, A lady came in for some Air Wick... A thousand verses all in rhyme, I used to work in Chicago, But I don't work there any more. "Mountain," she wanted, mount her I did... To stand and sing them seems a crime, When we could better spend our time, Reveling in the joys of fornication. Verses for Men Songmasters A lady came in for a sleeper... "Upper," she wanted, up her I did... Songmaster: 163 A woman came in for a computer, A lady came in for some china... Chandler's Shop Pack repeats: "Bone," she wanted, bone her I did... A computer from the store. A boy went into a chandler's chop, some can- Songmaster: A lady came in for some coffee... dles for to buy, A computer she wanted, my Wang she got, "Ground," she wanted, grind her I did... But when he got to the chandler's chop, no And I don't work there anymore. chandler did he spy, A lady came in for some gin... He loudly knocked, he loudly cried, enough to Songmaster: "Beefeater," she wanted, eat her I did... wake the dead, A lady came into the hatshop, A woman came in for some service... But all he heard was a rat-a-tat-tat, right above Pack repeats: "Quick," she wanted, prick her I did... his head. A computer from the store. Songmaster: A lady came in for a diskette... Now he was a very inquisitive youth, so up the "Felt," she wanted, felt her I did. "Floppy," she wanted, hard drive her I did... stairs he went, And I don't work there anymore. A woman came in for a bath mat... And he was very surprised to find the chandler's A lady came in for a beer... "Shower," she wanted, show her I did... wife in bed. Beer she wanted, 6-pack, ate she got... For she was lying upon back with a man be- A woman came in for a power drill... tween her thighs, A lady came in for a sweater... "Black & Decker," she wanted, deck her I did... And they were having a rat-a-tat-tat, right be- "Jumper," she wanted, jump her I did... fore his eyes. A lady came in for a drink... A lady came in for a seafood... "Liquor," she wanted, lick her I did... Liquor she wanted, lick her I did she got... Flip flop, into the tank, A lady came in for some Air Wick... A boy came in for a lollipop... Christopher Robin is having a wank. "Mountain," she wanted, mount her I did... A lady came in for a bolts... Lollipop he wanted, sucked he got... Bolts she wanted, my nuts she got... 168 A lady came in for some dish soap... A man came in for a horse... Clementine "Johnson & Johnson," she wanted, my Johnson A lady came in for a sailors... Horse he wanted, ridden he got... (To: Clementine) she got... Sailors she wanted, semen she got... A man came in for a carpet... There she stood beside the bar rail, A woman came in for some wood shoes... A lady came in for a ham... Shag he wanted, piles he got... Drinking pink gins for two bits, "Clog," she wanted, flog her I did,.. Ham she wanted, porked she got... And the swollen whiskey barrels, 166 Stood in awe beside here tits.

A lady came in for a curtain... A lady came in for a cigarette... Christopher And Alice "Drape," she wanted, rape her I did,.. Cigarette she wanted, camel, humped she got... Chorus Inside the yard at Buckingham Palace, I owe my darlin', I owe my darlin' I owe my darlin', Clementine. A lady came in for a doughnut... A lady came in for a plastic... Christopher Robin went down on Alice. Three bent pennies and a nickel, Glazed she wanted, cream filled she got Plastic she wanted, rubbers she got... "Dear little Christopher knows his stuff, Oh my darlin' Clementine. At 'Trying the Beard' and 'Noshing the Muff.'"

A lady came in for a elevator... A lady came in for a stockings... -Says Alice Eyes of whiskey, lips of water, Elevator she wanted, my shaft she got... Stockings she wanted, hosing she got... As she vomits in my beer. Inside the yard at Buckingham Palace, Dawns the daylight in her temple, A lady came in for a carpet... A lady came in for a liquid Plumber... Christopher Robin's still gobblin' Alice. "One more time, then after lunch, With a fucking warming leer. Carpet she wanted, laid she got... Liquid Plumber she wanted, pipes cleaned she got... I'll reciprocate and 'Munch the Trunch.'" -Says Alice Hung me guitar on the bar rail, A lady came in for a spring... At the sweetness of the sign. Spring she wanted, boinged got... A lady came in for a canned ham... In one leap leapt out me trousers, Canned ham she wanted, porked she got... Christopher Robin is getting his knob in, Alice is down and gobblin' Robin. Plunged into the foaming brine. A lady came in for a screwdriver... She won't say a word while 'Tonguing the Tool,' Screwdriver she wanted, screwed she got... A lady came in for a gift wrapping... "Cos it's rude to talk when your mouth is full." Gift wrapping she wanted, packed she got... -Says Alice

A lady came in for a hammer... Hammer she wanted, nailed she got... A lady came in for a butter... They're plating away at Buckingham Palace, Butter she wanted, spread she got... Alice plates Robin and Robin plates Alice. A lady came in for a fabric... A lady came in for a T-bone... They're laying down upon the turf, Fabric she wanted, silk, felt she got... T-bone she wanted, my boneless round she "Nothing compares with a Soixante Neuf." got... -Says Alice A lady came in for a carpet... A lady came in for a water-bottle... Carpet she wanted, pile she wanted, shagged she "Rubber," she wanted, rub her I did... 167 got she got... Verses for Lady Songmasters Christopher Robin

(To: Christopher Robin Is Saying His Prayers) A lady came in for a gun... A man came in for a balloon... Gun she wanted, banged she got... Balloon he wanted, blown he got... Little boy kneels at the foot of the stairs, A lady came in for a nylons... Clutched in his hands are a bunch of white Nylons she wanted, hosed she got... A man came in for a wheels... hairs. Wheels he wanted, rimmed he got... Oh, my, just fancy that, A lady came in for a metaphysical conversa- Christopher Robin has castrated the cat. tion... A man came in for a beer... Metaphysical conversation she wanted, fucked Bavarian he wanted, bush he got... Little boy kneels at the foot of the bed, she got... Lily-white hands are caressing his head. A man came in for a doughnut... Oh, my, couldn't be worse, A lady came in for a velvet... Doughnut he wanted, my hole he got... Christopher Robin is fucking his nurse. Velvet she wanted, felt she got... A man came in for a telephone... Little boy sits on the lavatory pan, A lady came in for a liquor... A.T.T. he wanted; T.I.T. he got,.. Gently caressing his little old man. She was bawdy, she was busty, Who'll dig his grave? 172 By God, you should have seen us, She could match the great Buzoom. "I," said the owl, Colostomy's Best The figurehead, a whore in bed, As she strained out of her bloomers, "With my little trowel, (To: Tie Me Kangaroo Down) The mast a throbbing penis. Like a melon tree in bloom. I'll dig the grave." Chorus Part the Second Oh, the Oak tree and the Cypress, Who'll ring the bell? Colostomy's best, boys, In which we learn more of the brave explorer. Never more together twine. "I," said the bull, Colostomy's best (Fill your baggy!) (Continued...) Since that creeping poison ivy, "With my mighty tool, Colostomy's best, boys, Columbo paced upon the deck, Laid its blight on Clementine. I'll ring the bell." Colostomy's best. He knew it was his duty. 169 He laid this whang into his hand, Clinton Baloney Song Who'll say the prayer? Rub some shit on your clit, girls, And said, "Ain't that a beauty." (To: Oscar Meyer Baloney Song) "I," said the rook, Rub some shit on your clit (Fill your baggy!) "With my little book, Rub some shit on your clit, girls, The sailors on Columbo's ship, His baloney has a first name, I'll say the prayer." Rub some shit on your clit. Had each his private knothole.But Columbo was It's "I did not inhale." a superman, His baloney has a second name, 171 Take a dump in a bag, guys... And used a padded porthole. "I wasn't getting tail." Cold Winter's Evening Shit through a slit in your side, Clyde... He loves to sing it every day, (To: She Was Just a Poor Man's Daughter) The Hershey highway is my way, boys...Stick Columbo had a one-eyed cat, The White House people all just saaaaaaay, your tool in her stool, boys... He kept it in the cabin. That Billy Clinton has a way, 'Twas a cold winter's evening, Get down in her brown, guys... He rubbed its ass with axle grease, Of making bullshit sound OK! The guests were all leavin'. Whack off in her sack, Jack... And started in a jabbin'. O'Leary was closin' the bar, Fart through a cut in your gut, boys... 170 When he turned and he said, Make doo-doo without a loo, Stu... Columbo had a cabin boy, Cock Robin To the lady in red, That dirty little nipper! (To: Who Killed Cock Robin?) "Get out! You can't stay where you are." 173 They lined his ass with broken glass, Columbo And circumcised the skipper. Who killed cock robin? Oh she wept a sad tear, "I," said the sparrow, In her bucket of beer, A most ancient song concerning the voyage of Part the Third "With my bow and arrow, As she thought of the cold night ahead. the famous Christopher Columbus. A tale told In which we are introduced to the crew of the I killed cock robin." When a gentleman dapper, in VI parts. Venus and learn about some of their singular Stepped out of the crapper, accomplishments. Chorus And these are the words that he said: Part the First: Oh, the birds of the air said, In which it is explained how this voyage came Columbo had a first mate, Fuck it! Let's chuck it! "Her mother never taught her, about and how the Queen of Spain tearfully He loved him like a brother; When they heard cock robin, The things a young girl should know, bade goodbye; Columbo's parting words to the Every night in the pale moonlight, Had kicked the fucking bucket! About the ways of college men, Queen. They buggered one another. When they heard, cock robin, And how they come and go (Mostly go-). Had kicked the fucking bucket! Age has stolen her beauty, In fourteen hundred ninety two, The second mate's name was Andy,

And sin has left its sad scar A gob from Italy, By God he had a dandy, Who saw him die? (You know where -). Went wandering through the streets of Spain, They crushed his cock between two rocks, "I," said the fly, So remember your mothers and sisters, boys, A pissing in the alley. For shooting in the brandy. "With my little eye, And let her sleep under the bar. I saw him die." (With old granddad) Chorus The first cook's name was Carter,

He swung his balls around-o, A very musical farter; Who'll take his blood? They nearly touched the ground-o, He could fart anything from God Save the King, "I," said the mole, That masturbating, fornicating, To Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata. "With my little bowl, Son-of-a-bitch, Columbo. I'll take his blood." The bo's'ns mate fell overboard,

In fourteen hundred ninety two, The sharks did leap and frolic. The expedition started. Him they ate with relish great Queen Isabel, she cried like hell, But shortly died of colic. Columbo only farted. Part the Fourth Concerning what the sailors did for recreation Aboard the good ship Venus, and how it came that Columbo's daughter was lost at sea and what became of her. (To: Red River Valley) They stayed away in fear. Chorus The skipper's daughter Mabel, Come sit on my face, if you love me, Young folk, old folk, King Solomon and King David, They fucked when they were able. Come sit on my face, if you care, Everybody come, Lived most immoral lives, They tacked her tits, those homely shits, And I'll drink from your Red River Valley, To the country Sunday School, Spent their time a-chasing, Right to the galley table. And munch on your curly pubic hairs. And we'll have lots of fun, After other people's wives, Bring your sticks of chewing gum, The Lord spoke unto both of them, The skipper's other daughter, Oh, if I had the wings of an eagle, And sit upon the floor, And it worked just like a charm, They threw into the water. And the balls of a hairy baboon, And we'll tell you Bible stories, 'Cos Solomon wrote the Proverbs, Delighted squeals revealed the eels, I would fly to the ends of creation, That you never heard before. And David wrote the Psalms. Had found her sexual quarter. And I'd butt-fuck the Man in the Moon. Now Adam was the first man, Now Samson was an Israelite, Part the Fifth Oh, take it in the hand, Mrs Murphy, So we're lead to believe, And very big and strong, In which the New World is at last discovered; It feels just like a rolling pin. He walked into the garden, Delilah was a Philistine, and how the sailors expressed their joy at find- But if you roll it between your hands, And bumped right into Eve, Always doing wrong. ing civilization. It'll take some time to be useful again. There was no one there to show him, They spent a week together, But he quickly found the way, But it didn't get very hot, For forty days and forty nights, Oh, take it in the mouth, Mrs Murphy, And that's the very reason, For all he got was short back and sides, They sailed the broad Atlantic. It only weighs a quarter of a pound. Why we're singing here today, And a little bit off the top. Columbo and his lousy crew, It's got hairs round its neck like a turkey, For want of a piece were frantic. And it spits when you shake it up and down. Now Cain was into sheep, 177 And Able worked the farm. The Cow Kicked Nelly They spied a whore upon the shore, Oh, take it between the breasts, Mrs Murphy, When Cain got tired of wool, (To: Turkey in the Straw) And off came shirts and collars, And look it staight in its one eye. He did his brother harm. In twenty minutes by the clock, It will lie at peace between your bosom, The Lord was pissed at Cain, Oh, the cow kicked Nelly in the belly in the She'd made then thousand dollars. Until finally milk-tears you cry. So he sent him out, alas, barn, But Cain knew where to find, The cow kicked Nelly in the belly in the barn, With a joyful shout they ran about, Oh, place it between your legs, Mrs Murphy, Some sexy monkey ass. The cow kicked Nelly in the belly in the barn, And practiced fornication, It is just aching to crawl inside. But the old man said it wouldn't do her any When they sailed they left behind, It has a helmet on its head like a soldier, The Lord said unto Noah, harm. Ten times the population. And it will shoot all its ammo, then die. "It's going to rain today" Songmaster: So Noah built a bloody great Ark, Second verse, same as the first, a little bit louder and a little bit worse. And when his men pulled out again, Oh, but never touch ______’s In which to sail away. (Continues until everyone gets bored...) To take the homeward tour up, Mrs. Murphy, The animals went in two by two,

They'd caught the pox from every box, It seems his is covered with scabs. But soon got up to tricks, 178 That syphilized all Europe. His's has warts all over like a horny toad, So, although they came in two by two, Creak Goes the Muscle And is protected by an army of crabs. They came out six by six. (To: Green Grow the Rushes O) Part the Sixth

In which Columbo at last returns to Spain, and 175 Now Moses in the bulrushes, how he delivers this plunder to the Queen, and Copenhagen HHH Anthem Was all wrapped up in swathe, Who'll give me one oh? the sad fate he gets for so doing. (To: Pomp and Circumstances) Pharaoh's daughter found him, Creak goes the muscle oh, When she went down there to bathe, What is your one oh?

Columbo went in haste to the Queen, Come on, Viking Wankers, She took him back to Pharaoh, Because it was his duty,' Lift your beers and shout, And said, "I found him on the shore" One for the arrow up the steps never to be trust- He gave to her a dose of clap; We are Copenhashers, And Pharaoh winked his eye and said,"I've ed, He had no other booty. What we've got, we flaunt. heard that one before." Two, two, the jogging shoes all clogged up with Close the narrow circle, gather round the beer. mud ho ho! Three, three, the checkbacks we all missed, So they threw in a stinking jail, Hashing, wanking drinking, Now Daniel was a brave man, Four for the worn out running kit, And left him there to grumble, That is why we're here, Who's faith was never lost. Five for the toes of the worn out hashers, A ball and chain tied to his balls - Hashing, wanking, drinking, He never gave into threats, Six for the pools of vomit, So ended poor Columbo. That is why we're here. So the lion's den he's tossed. Seven for the down downs after the run, While praying for deliverance, The lions gathered near, Eight for the ones who turned up late, 174 176 Country Sunday School He buggered each and everyone, Nine for hashers lost at the check, Come Sit On My Face Ten for the virgins oh so cute, Eleven for the hare who set the course, No, I won't be afraid, 182 "Won't you come a-hashing in 'Stralia with Twelve for the mismanagement of the pack. Just as long as you cum in me. Cumming Mother me?" So darling, darling, (To: Waltzing Matilda) Good bye, then, to Norman-Cumming-Mother- 179 Cum in me, oh, cum in me, Wheatley, Cuckoo Oh, cum, cum in me, cum in me. Once a jolly 'Stralian came to California, Who would go a-hashing with such a man as If your dick I look upon, should shrivel and die, "I'm gonna make me a fortune" said he, he? The cuckoo is a funny bird, Or your blood should stain your pee. And he worked and he hashed, And he wanked and he hashed, Who sits in the grass. I won't cry, I won't cry, As he waited for his cash to build. And he went back to Australia, With his wings neatly folded, No, I won't shed a tear, "Who'll come a-hashin in Frisco with me? Some day we'll come a-hashing in 'Stralia with And his beak up his ass. Just as long as you came, came in me, ye. In this strange position, So dar-ling, dar-ling, Chorus He can only say, "Twit" Cum in me, oohhh, cum in me, Hashing with Norman, 183 'Cause it's hard to say "Cuckoo" Oh, cum, cum in me, cum in me. Cumming Mother Wheatley, Daylight Come With a beak full of shit. Who whould go a-hashing with such a man as (To: Daylight Come and I Want To Go Home) he? And he worked and he ran and he hashed in San Chorus 180 Francisco, Day-oh, Day-a-a-oh, Cucumber Song "Who will come a-hashing in Frisco with me?" Daylight come and I want to go home, (To: Botany Bay) Day-oh, Day-a-a-oh, And he worked with his toys, Daylight come and I want to go home. A restless young lady from Phuket, In the Valley they call Silicon, Developed a wonderful trend, "Silicone's for titty-bumps, not fucking indus- Frozen ballocks and frozen cock, To purchase cucumbers for pleasure, try!" Daylight come and I want to go home, 'Cause she found they were better than men. So declared our Hashman, intelligent and witty Had a piss and froze to the block, one, Daylight come and I want to go home. Chorus Oh, what a sly and a cool one was he! So line up for your cucumbers, ladies, Drew me a katoey from the hat, They're selling for two bucks apiece, Up jumped a bunch of bucks, full of piss and Daylight come and I want to go home, Your frustrated days are all over, vinegar, Didn't have a rubber now I've got the clap, 'Cause cucumbers never get pissed. "Grab him, we'll make him our leader, will we!" Daylight come and I want to go home. They selected him Grand Master, In Asia they're eaten with chilis, And that was the down-fall of him, Drank a dozen down-downs before I puked, In Britain they're put between bread, "You'll go a-hashing, Grand Master, will ye" Daylight come and I want to go home, But in Phuket we use them as teddies, Spewed on the GM and got rebuked, 'Cause we know that they'll never want head. Then there was that asshole, an Irishman of little Daylight come and I want to go home. wit, They'll never leave stains on the mattress, Bent on destruction and mayhem was he. Ended up in the Rock Hard 'round about dawn, They're happy to live in the fridge, Out with his pal, Daylight come and I want to go home, The loo seat is never left standing, As if anyone would give a shit. Got my pocket picked by a girl called Porn, And I've never seen cucumber kids. On with our hashing, our hashing went we. Daylight come and I want to go home.

So watch out you mighty marauders, Then came the Harriettes, Now I've got to find cheap room and board, You're not quite as great as you think, Surrounding their Grand Master, Daylight come and I want to go home, There's no guarantee it will work again, Head like a bowling ball, moustachioed was he. There I'll stay till the next maraud, And we can't trade you in when it shrinks. And they teased his litle pecker-stick, Daylight come and I want to go home. 'Till it grew to a 3" dick, 181 "Who ya gonna please with that thing? Not 184 Cum On Me me!" Dead Dog Rover (To: Stand by Me) (To: I'm Looking Over a Four Leaf Clover) The economy it took a turn, and Tandem took a When the night has come, turn with it, (Line in parentheses repeated in harmony pack.) And your dick is hard. "My fortune will never be found here" said he. I'm looking over, And your moon is the only light I'll see. So he filled his gut with Fosters', My dead dog Rover, No, I won't be afraid, And sent his shit by Quantas, That I over ran with the mower. One leg is missing, I thought of a way of preserving, 186 The other is gone, My dead whore for posterity. Diamond Lily Oh, I got an Aunty Sissy, The third leg is shredded, I'd dry her up like some beef jerky, (To: Do You Ken John Peel) And she's only got one titty, All over the lawn. With a leathery twat just for me, for me, But it's very long and pointed, With a leathery twat just for me. Oh, her name is Diamond Lily, And the nipple's double jointed. You see there's no use explaining, She's a whore in Picadilly, The one remaining, I French-kissed my dead whore named Merly, And her brother has a brothel in the Stand, Chorus It's spinning on the carport floor, I thought she was giving me tongue, Her father sells his arsehole, Did you ever see, (the carport floor) But after an evening of kissing, At the Elephant and Castle, Did you ever see, I'm looking over, I found it was maggots from her lung, her lung, They're the richest fucking family in the land. Did you ever see, My dead dog Rover, I found it was maggots from her lung. Such a funny thing before. That I over ran, (Continued...) There's a man deep in a dungeon, That I over ran, Once upon thinking it over, With his hand upon his truncheon, I've got a cousin Daniel, That I over ran with the mower! I realized my terrible sin. And the shadow of his prick upon the wall, And he's got a cocker spaniel, So I stuck my lips to her sweet pussy, And the ladies as they pass, If you tickled 'im in the middle, 185 And sucked out the load I shot in, shot in, Stick their hat-pins up his ass, He would lift his leg and piddle. Dead Whore And sucked out the load I shot in,. And the little mice play billiards with his balls. (To: My Bonnie Lies Over The Ocean) Oh, I've got a cousin Rupert, But before I could extract that jism, There's a little green urinal, He plays outside half for Newport, I passed a dead whore on the roadside, My dead whore was pregnant and more. To the north of Waterloo, They think so much about him, I knew right away she was dead. Inside the maternity morgue, And another a little further up, That they always play without him. For the skin on her stomach was flaking, She gave birth to a dead baby whore, a whore! There's a member of our school, She hadn't a hair on her head, her head. She gave birth to a dead baby whore. Playing tunes upon his tool, Oh, I've got a cousin Anna, She hadn't a hair on her head. While the passers-by put pennies in his cup. And she's got a grand piana, (Change to the tune of "Born Free") Have you met my Uncle Hector, And she'd 'ammer, 'ammer, 'ammer, Chorus He's a cock and ball inspector, Till the neighbors say "God damn her." Bring back, bring back, Born dead, your baby was born dead, At a celebrated public school, And my brother sells French Letters, Oh bring back my dead whore to me, to me. Three fingers and no head, Oh, I've got a brother Mike, And a patent cure for wetters, Bring back, bring back, Born dead to live in a jar. Who rides a motor bike, We're not the best of families, ain't it cool? Oh bring back my dead whore to me. Stay dead, don't come back to haunt me; He can get from here to Gower,

You really don't want me. In a quarter of an hour. I first met my dead whore while hashing, Born dead to live in a jar. 187 With a horrible snail-sucking face. (see "Born Dead" for more verses) Dickey Louse 189 She'd roll them around on her tongue once, (To: Mickey Mouse Theme) Dinah And barf them back up in your face, your face, And barf them back up in your face. Who's the little blood sucker that's after you and Shout the words in capital letters. me? My dead whore looked into a gas tank, D-I-C, K-E-Y, L-O-U-S-E! Chorus The contents of it for to see, Hi there, hey there, ho there, he's as hungry as Dinah, Dinah show us your leg, I lit up a match to assist her. can be, Show us your leg, show us your leg. Oh bring back my dead whore to me, to me, D-I-C, K-E-Y, L-O-U-S-E! Dinah, Dinah show us your leg, Oh bring back my dead whore to me. Dickey Louse (scratchy muff!) A yard above your knee. While nibbling dead whore's festered nipples, Dickey Louse (scratchy muff!) A horrible thing to discuss, Forever may he hold your hairy crotch, Tight, I wish I were the diamond ring, I thought it was milk I was sucking, Tight, Tight! On Dinah's dainty hand. But it turned out it was syphilitic pus, green pus, When you join up at the hips he'll jump from Then every time she wiped her ass, But it turned out it was syphilitic pus. you to me! I'd see the promised LAND! LAND! LAND! D-I-C, K-E-Y, L-O-U-S-E! (Slowly) My dead whore's vagina was swelling, The rich girl rides a limousine, D-I-C, Eat you real soon! A condition I thought would soon pass. The poor girl rides a truck. K-E-Y, Why? Because I like you! (pointing) I stuck in my dick to explore it, But the only ride that Dinah has, L-O-U-S-Eeee! And she farted green gas from her ass, her ass, Is when she has a RIGHT GOOD FUCK!

She farted green gas from her ass. 188 The rich girl uses a sanitary towel, Did You Ever See? The poor girl uses a sheet. in a jail cell with Miss Piggy her brother's name was Hy But Dinah uses nothing at all, in a nightmare with a wetback she liked Leaves a trail along the STREET! STREET! incognito in her muu-muu that birthdays made her cry STREET! in the Stone Age she couldn't stand my tie in a treehouse (Options for Item No. 6) The rich girl wears a ring of gold, in a gay bar no guy would ever love her more (Options for Item No. 10) The poor girl one of brass. that she would be an easy score run off But the only ring that Dinah wears, (Options for Item No. 2) she'd bought her dentures in a store wind up Is the one around her ASS! ASS! ASS! in September that she would be a crashing bore boogie at McDonald's I'd never rate her more than yodel The rich girl wears a brassiere, ridin' shotgun they'd hate her guts in Baltimore sky dive The poor Girl uses string, wrestlin' gators it was a raven, nothing more turn green But Dinah uses nothing at all, all hunched over we really lost the last World WarI'd have to freak out She let's the bastards SWING! SWING! poppin' uppers scrape her off the floor blast off SWING! sort of pregnant what strong deodorants were for make it with joggers that she was rotten to the core black out The rich girl uses Vaseline, stoned on oatmeal that I would upchuck on the floor bobsled The poor uses lard. with Merv Griffin grovel But Dinah uses axle grease, dead all over (Options for Item No. 7) Because her cunt's so HARD! HARD! HARD! I promised her (Options for Item No. 11) (Options for Item No. 3) I knew deep down with my best friend The rich girls work in factories, that purple dress She asked me if in my Edsel The poor girls work in stores. that little hat I told her shrink on a surfboard But Dinah works in a honky-tonk, that burlap bra The judge declared on her broomstick With forty other WHORES! WHORES! those training pants My Pooh Bear said with her dentist WHORES! the stolen goods I shrieked in pain on her Harley that plastic nose The painters knew with a robot 190 the Stassin pin A Klingon said with no clothes on Do It Yourself Country and Western Song the neon sign My hamster thought at her health club that creepy smile The blood test showed in her Maytag the hearing aid Her rabbi said with her guru I met her ___1______2___; the boxer shorts while in labor (Options for Item No. 8) I can still recall ___3___ she wore. (Options for Item No. 4) stay with her (Options for Item No. 12) sobbin' at the toll booth warp her mind You'd think at least that she'd have said She was ___4______5___, drinkin' Dr. Pepper swear off booze I never had the chance to say weighted down with Twinkies change my sex She told her fat friend Grace to say And I knew ___6___. breakin' out with acne punch her out I now can kiss my credit cards crawlin' through the prairie live off her I guess I was too smashed to say ___7___ I'd ___8___ forever; smellin' kind of funny have my rash I watched her melt away and sobbed crashin' through the guardrail stay a dwarf She fell beneath the wheels and cried She said to me ___9___, chewin' on a hangnail hate her dog She sent a hired thug to say talkin' in Swahili pick my nose She freaked out on the lawn and screamed But who'd have thought she'd ___10___ drownin' in the quicksand play with it I pushed her off the bridge and waved ___11___; slurpin' up linguini salivate But that's the way that pygmies say She sealed me in the vault and smirked ___12___ goodbye. (Options for Item No. 5) (Options for Item No. 9) in the twilight our love would never die 191 Do Your Balls Hang Low? (Options for Item No. 1) but I loved her there was no other guy (To: Sailor's Hornpipe) on the highway by the off-ramp man wasn't meant to fly in Sheboygan near Poughkeepsie that Nixon didn't lie outside Fresno with her cobra her basset hound was shy Do your balls hang low? at a truck stop when she shot me that Rolaids made her high Do they swing to and fro? on probation on her elbows she'd have a swiss on rye Can you tie 'em in a knot? with Led-Zeppelin she loved my one blue eye Can you tie 'em in a bow? Can you throw 'em o'er your shoulder, (sing) 193 like me. Like a Continental soldier? Dough, the stuff that buys me beer, Doggies' Meeting Can you do the double shuffle, Ray, the guy who sells me beer, (To: They Called the Wind Moriah) Don't that paycheck get any fatter? When your balls hang low? Me, the guy who drinks the beer, And don't forget my birthday's in a week, Far, a long way to get beer, The doggies held a meeting, What about the tennis courts you promised, Chorus So, I'll have another beer, They came from near and far, And how about Hawaii for a break? Ting-a-ling, God damn, La, I'll have another beer, Some came by motorcycle, Come on, baby, Find a woman if you can. Tea, no thanks, I'm drinking beer, Some came by motorcar. Climb another rung in that ladder, If you can't find a woman, That will bring us back to, As each doggie passed the entrance, You haven't had a pay raise since New Year's. Find a clean old man. (Look into an empty glass) Each doggie signed the book, Don't that paycheck get any fatter? If you're ever in Gibraltar, Duhoooooh! Each doggie hung his asshole, You're lucky someone understands, like me. Take a flying fuck at Walter. Upon his very own hook. Can you do the double shuffle, Don't let that heart rate go any faster, When your balls hang low? And when they were assembled, Jesus, why do you have to work so hard? Each mother, son and sire, You never stay at home on the weekends, (Substitute following for lines 5 & 6 A dirty little mongrel, No wonder your banana's never ripe. of the first verse to make new ones:) Got up and shouted "FIRE!" Come on, baby, The dogs they were in panic, You hang around the office 'til all hours, Does your sack begin to wear, They had no time to look, I bet you've got a brand new secretary, When you drag them does it tear? Each doggie grabbed an asshole, Don't let that heart rate go any faster, From the nearest hook. You're lucky someone understands, like me. Do they make a lusty clamor, When you hit them with a hammer? A dog is often listless, 196 Do they have a hollow sound, For it is very sore, Down in Wyoming When you drag 'em on the ground? To wear another dog's asshole, (To: Home on the Range) He's never worn before. Can you bounce 'em off the wall, And that's the only reason, Twas down in Wyoming, Like an Indian rubber ball? A dog will leave his bone, Where the bullshit lies thick, To sniff another dog's asshole, I was riding along, my hand on my dick. To see if it's his own. When whom should I see, Do they have a mellow tingle, But the girl I adore, When you hit 'em with a shingle? It was Charlotte the harlot, 194 Don't Say No The cowpuncher's whore. Do they have a salty taste,

When you wrap 'em 'round your waist? She's randy, she's dandy, Oh my darling, don't say no, Onto the sofa you must go. She's my heart's delight. Do they chime like a gong, Up with your petticoat, I fuck her by day and, When you pull upon your dong? Down with your drawers, I fuck her by night. When you dance cheek to cheek, You tickle mine And each time I fuck her, Does she stumble on your meat? And I'll tickle yours. I pump in a quart,

If you don't call that fucking, If you swung them round and round, 195 You fucking well ought! Would the wind blow her down? Don't That Bastard Get any Bigger? (To: Put Another Log On the Fire) When your girlfriend died in bed, Did she smother giving head? Don't that bastard get any bigger? I bet some bitch bit off the last three feet, 192 It's wrinkled like a six week old banana, Do, Re, Mi, Drink And got a limp a cripple couldn't beat. (To: Do, Re, Mi) Come on, baby, Can't you make it go any faster? Originally from "The Simpsons", this lyric has And don't forget to let me get there first. become popular at Interhashes. Don't that bastard get any bigger? (warmup) You're lucky someone understands, Ahem, La la la la, *ahem* LAAAAAAA! 197 199 200 Drink Drunken Hasher Drunken Sailor Sperm in soldier's ball bag, (To: Sing!) (To: Drunken Sailor) (To: Drunken Sailor) (pack grabs crotch) Dog barking, Drink, What shall we do with the drunken hasher, What shall we do with the drunken sailor, (someone barks) Drink a beer, What shall we do with the drunken hasher, What shall we do with the drunken sailor, Cock crowing, Belch out loud, What shall we do with the drunken hasher, What shall we do with the drunken sailor, (someone crows) Belch out clear, After all the down-downs? Earlye in the morning? Distant marching, Drink of good times, we run, (stamp feet) Drink of plenty, not one..... Chorus Chorus Sergeant shouting, There he goes again--pukin' in the bushes, Way hey and up she rises, (someone shouts like a sergeant) Drink, There he goes again--pukin' in the bushes, Way hey and up she rises, Luftenbastards attacking, Drink the brew, There he goes again--pukin' in the bushes, Way hey and up she rises, pack makes shooting gestures with Down it quickly, this beer we give to you, After all the down-downs. Earlye in the morning? arms outstretched.) Don't worry that it's not good enough, Biggles and the R.A.F. For anyone else to down, Take away his whistle and send him on a BT, Put him into bed with the captain's daughter, (As pack wheels, they circle there Just drink, He'll take a wizz behind the old oak tree, Put him into bed with the captain's daughter, eyes with fingers as goggles, making Drink the beer..... Then he'll blow his nose on his old shirty, Put him into bed with the captain's daughter, shooting noises.) After all the down-downs. Earlye in the morning? Anti-aircraft fire Burp, burp, burp, burp, burp... (Pack imitates pom-pom weapons.) (Substituting each word with "burp") Then we'll shave his ass with a rusty razor, Hang him by the balls in a running bowline... 202 Shave his crotch with a new fangled lazer, Durex is a Girl's Best Friend 198 Zap him in the ass with a copper's tazer, (To: Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend) Tie his prick in a double half-hitch... A poke with a bloke may be quite incidental, Drink, Drink, Drink to Hamersley Hash After all the down-downs. House Harriers Durex is a girl's best friend, Shave his crotch with a rusty razor... Just a small contribution from Hamersley Hash. You may get the works, but you won't be paren- Shove a bag of flour up his asshole, tal. At their 1000th run, one of the many acts was Soak it up with beer and add a piece of coal, that of the three tenors. Included was this song. Bare his bum for the horny sailors... As he slides it in, Then stand back boys he's gonna blow, You trust that good old latex skin. The tune is obvious. After all the down-downs. On his hands and knees like a dog now... As he lets fly, none gets by, 'Cos it's all gathered up in the end. Drink, Drink, drink to Hamersley Hash House Put him in the back of the old hash wagon, Harriers they're number one, Shove a hose pipe up his asshole... This little precaution, Drag him by a rope from the old hash wagon, Avoids an abortion, Drink, drink, drink to hamersley Hash House Kick him in the ass behind the old hash wagon, harriers they haver become, Have him whipped by a lovely sadist... Durex is a girl's best friend. After all the down-downs. The greatest Hash club the world's ever seen, Love them or hate them you'll know there're the 203 Send him home with the old hashit, Shove it in his mouth when you're cumming... cream. Dying Harlot He won't know--how he got it, (To: My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean) We know the Harriettes enjoy them so much, Use his face for a pissin' contest... 'next weeks hash and throw a fit, A tingling feeling invades their crutch, After all the down-downs. Oh, a strapping young harlot lay dying, Drink, drink,drink to their health, That's what we'll do with the drunken sailor... A pisspot supporting her head, Drink, drink, drink to their wealth, Drink, drink, drink, let every true Hasher salute That's what we'll do with the drunken hasher, And all the young bludgers were 'round her, That's what we'll do with the drunken hasher, 201 Hamersley. Dunkirk As she leaned on her left tit and said, That's what we'll do with the drunken hasher, After all the down-downs. (To: It's a Long Way to Tipperary, Pack marches in a circle and imitates the lyrics.) "I've been fucked by the Duchies and Gypsies, I've been fucked by the Spaniards so tall, I've been fucked by the English and Irish, It's a long way to Tipperary, It's a long way to go, In fact, I've been fucked by them all.

It's a long way to Tipperary, I walked it, so I know, A dirty old harlot lay dying, Good bye, Sticky Willie, A pisspot supporting her head, Farewell, pubic hair, All around her the bludgers were crying, It's a long way to Tipperary, As she leaned on her left tit and said, And I've never been there. "I've been fucked by the French and the English, The Germans, the Japs, and the Jews, And make a shish-kabob. Harriers, So he built a bloody great wheel, ... And now I've come back to Australia, The E-Coli man... They've been known to run through any barri- Two balls of brass and a prick of steel, ... To be buggered by bastards like you." ers, Who can take a t-bone, 'Cause they're as crazy as the day is long, The balls of brass he filled with cream, ... "So haul back your filthy old foreskins, (who can take a t-bone) And known to show their ass or sing a song. And the whole fucking issue was driven by And give me the pride of your nuts", Put it on a shelf, steam, ... So they hauled back the filthy old foreskins, (put it on a shelf) It's hares away and off they're running, And played Home Sweet Home on her guts." Pull it out next Christmas, Dropping flour from a plastic sack. He tied her to the leg of the bed, ... And feed it to an elf. They mark the intersections, Tied her hands above her head, ... The dirty old harlot lay dying, The E-Coli man... With hash in all directions, A cunt-rag supported her head, So they can split and bring together the pack. There she lay demanding a fuck, ... The blow flies around her were buzzing, 205 The FRB's are shouting "On On!", He shook her hand and wished her luck, ... As she turned on her left tit and said, Eat-Bite Song As the pack asks the question "Are You?"

They claim they're on the right trail, 'Round and 'round went the bloody great wheel, "I've been fucked by the army and navy, Chorus And the check is in the mail, ... By a bull-fighting toreador, Eat-bite fuck suck gobble nibble chew, Because a virgin missed a Check Back Two. In and out went the prick of steel, ... By dildos and doggies and donkeys, Nipple busom hair-pie finger-fuck screw, Moose-piss cat-pud Orangutang-tit, Never by blow flies before." They're getting closer to the On Home, Up and up went the level of steam, ... Sheep-pussy camel-crap pig-n-lion shit. A P-Check brings the pack in tight. Down and down went the level of cream, ...

"So wrap me up in foreskins and Frenchies, Just a little more shiggy, I went to a party and what they do? But they're squealing like a piggy, And bury me deep down below, 'Till at last the maiden cried, ... They took off their socks and took off their 'Cause the Beer Near is in sight!After running Where all those young bludgers can't catch me, Enough, enough, I'm satisfied, ... shoes. for an hour, The place where all good harlots go." They took off their shirts and took off their Through the nastiest parts around, pants. The hares all wail, Now we come to the tragic bit, ... 204 There was no way of stopping it, ... The E-Coli Man I had a hunch we wern't gonna dance. That they have laid the perfect trail,

(To: The Candy Man) But their reward will be a double Down Down. Everybody's Everybody's ass was bare. Who works in a meat plant, No broads left, just a queer over there. And the night turns into morning, (who works in a meat plant) The whole damn thing didn't phase me a bit. They have acted like a bunch of fools. Doesn't wash his hands, I just jumped on the pile and grabbed some tit. They took short-cuts, (doesn't wash his hands) And showed their tits and butts, Sticks 'em in the burger, Now my baby's not a sports-fan. But that's okay because there are no rules! When he comes back from the can. But she plays the balls whenever she can. 207 The E-Coli man, 'Cause her favorite sport you see. The Engineer Song The E-Coli man, Is playing tonsil... hockey. (To: When Johnny Comes Marching Home) The E-Coli man, 'Cause he mixes it with sauce, 206 An engineer told me before he died, And makes the germs taste good, Emerald Coast HHH Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum, Makes the germs taste good. (To: Bad, Bad Leroy Brown) An engineer told me before he died, Ah-hum, ah-hum. Who takes pepperoni, In the panhandle of Florida, An engineer told me before he died, (who takes pepperoni) There's a group that loves to hash. I have no reason to believe he lied, Rubs it on his butt, They're from the Emerald Coast, Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum, (rubs it on his butt) As their T-shirts boast and, Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum. Slices it and sells it, They can sure throw a hell of a bash. To the local Pizza Hut. They got a hundred or two hash house harriers, He had a wife with a cunt so wide, The E-Coli man... And they like to have a lot of fun. Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum, They eat their red beans and rice, He had a wife with a cunt so wide, Who can take a ribeye, While drinking beer as cold as ice, Ah-hum, ah-hum. (who can take a ribeye) And they have even been known to run. He had a wife with a cunt so wide, Feed it to his dog, That she could never be satisfied, (feed it to his dog) Chorus Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum, Cut the sucker open, And they're the Emerald Coast Hash House Ah-hum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum.

She was split from ass to tit, ...And the whole pinky, parlez-vous. Mrs. Bindle arrived amid roars of applause, And took from the Vicar a set of gold plate, fucking thing was covered in shit, ... And promptly proceeded to pull off her drawers. Then she turned to the Vicar with sweetness The fart went rolling down his spine, parlez- For though she'd no chance in the farting dis- sublime, It jumped off her, it jumped on him, ... vous, play, And smilingly said, "Come see me sometime." And then it buggered their next of kin, ... The fart went rolling down his spine, parlez- She'd the prettiest bottom you'd see this day. vous, 210 It jumped on an uptown bus, ... The fart went rolling down his spine, Now, young Mrs. Pothole was backed for a Father Abraham And the mess it made caused quite a fuss, ... Knocked his ballocks out of line, inky, pinky, place, parlez-vous. Though she'd often been placed in the deepest Good warmup song when it's cold or while The last time, Sir, that prick was seen, ... disgrace, waiting to run. It was over in England fucking the Queen, ... 209 By dropping a fart that had beaten the organ, Chorus Farting Contest And the poor Vicar, Old Jonathan Morgan. Father Abraham had seven sons. There is a moral to the story I tell, ... And seven sons had Father Abraham. If you see it coming better run like hell, ... I'll tell you a story that is sure to please, The ladies lined up at the signal to start, And he never laughed, I'll tell you a story that is sure to please, And winning the toss, Mrs. Jones took first fart. And he never cried, All he did was go like this. Nine months later a child was born, ... Of a great farting contest at Burton-on-Tease, The people around stood in silence and wonder,

With two brass balls and a bloody great horn, ... Where all the best arses paraded the field, While her wireless ammounced gale warnings To compete in a contest for various shields. and thunder. With a left. 208 (Hold left arm out, moving hand to vertical and The Fart Some tighten their arses and fart up the scale, Now Mrs. McLeod reckoned nothing of this, back again, and sing chorus while doing it.) (To: Mademoiselle from Armentieres) To compete for a cup and a barrel of ale. She'd had some weak tea and was all wind and While others whose arses are biggest and pride. (Stop moving arm and drop to side, then start There was an old lady of eighty-two, parlez- strongest,Compete in the section for loudest and So she took up her place and her ass opened over.) vous, longest. wide, With a left, (Start moving left arm again.) There was an old lady of eighty-two, parlez- But unluckily shit and was disqualified. And a right. (Start moving right arm in same vous, Now this year's event had drawn quite a big fashion at same time as left, then sing chorus There was an old lady of eighty-two, crowd, Then young Mrs. Pothole was called to the again while doing so. This goes on adding Did a fart but missed the loo, inky, pinky, parlez And the betting was even on Mrs. McLeod. front, movements in order with each verse.) -vous. For it had appeared in the evening edition, And started by doing a wonderful stunt. That this lady's arse was in perfect condition. She took a deep breath and clenching her hands, With a left, The fart went rolling down the street, parlez- She blew the whole roof off the popular stands. And a right, vous, Now old Mrs. Jones had a perfect backside, And a left The fart went rolling down the street, parlez- Half a forest of hairs with a wart on each side, That left Mrs. Bindle, who shyly appeared, (Start moving left leg back an forth to side along vous, And she fancied her chance of winning with And smiled at the clergy who lustily cheered, with the arms.) The fart went rolling down the street, ease, And though it was reckoned her chances were Knocked a copper off his feet, inky, pinky, Having trained on a diet of cabbage and peas. small, With a left, parlez-vous. She ran out a winner, outfarting them all. And a right, The Vicar arrived and ascended the stand, And a left, The copper got out his rusty pistol, parlez-vous, And thus he addressed this remarkable band. With hands on her hips she stood farting And a right, (Now you are doing jumping jacks) The copper got out his rusty pistol, parlez-vous, "The contest is on as is shown in the bills. alone.And the crowd stood amazed at the sweet- The copper got out his rusty pistol, We've precluded the use of injections and pills." ness of tone, (Repeat the limb positions, then:) Shot the fart from here to Bristol, inky, pinky, And the clergy agreed without hindrance or And a Hooh! parlez-vous. pause, (Thrust out your butt, do chorus with the jump- And said, "First to Mrs. Bindle. Now pull up ing jacks, shouting "Hooh!" and doing the butt Bristol Rovers playing at home, parlez-vous, your drawers." thrust after "Father Abraham and at the end of Bristol Rovers playing at home, parlez-vous, each line except the last.) Bristol Rovers playing at home, But with muscles welll tensed and legs full Kicked the fart from here to Rome, inky, pinky, apart, parlez-vous. She started a final and glorious fart. Beginning with Chopin and ending with Wing, Julius Caesar drinking gin, parlez-vous, She went right up the scale to God Save the Julius Caesar drinking gin, parlez-vous, King! Julius Caesar drinking gin, Opened his gob and the fart went in, inky, She went to the rostrum with maidenly gait, (Repeat the previous positions, then:) 214 Postman/stuffs letter boxes/stuffs me. And a Hah! 213 Follow the Hash Student/fucks off/fucks me. (Thrust your pevis forward and ending with the Foggy Dew (To: Follow the Flag. Adaptations of old mili- Plumber/lays pipe/lays me. chorus like this:) tary favorites contribute to several hash songs. Postman/licks stamps/licks me. Well, I am a bachelor; I live by myself, Here's a military diddy converted by Pole Chef/eats this, he eats that/eats me. Father Abraham (Hooh! Hah!) had seven sons I work at the weaver's trade. Pounder in Mannheim HHH and since spread Bricklayer/lays brick/lays me. (Hooh! Hah!) And the only lowly thing I ever did that was worldwide.) Lawyer/fucks you/fucks me. And seven sons had Father Abraham (Hooh! wrong, Dentist/drills you/drills me . Hah!) Was to woo a fair young maid. Chorus Taxidermist/stuffs dead things/stuffs me. And he never laughed (Hooh! Hah!) I wooed her in the summer time, Singing, Psychoanalyst/analyzes patients/anal-izes me. And he never cried (Hooh! Hah!) And in the winter too. Hey jigga-jig, Stool Pigeon/fingers crooks/fingers me. All he did was go like this- But the only lowly thing I ever did that was Fuck a little pig, (Thrust out your butt, grab your ankles, and wrong, Follow the hash, 215 make a loud farting noise.) Was to keep her from the foggy, foggy dew. Follow the hash, Fondle Me With Care Follow the hash, (To: Handle Me With Care) 211 One night this maid came to my bed, Hey jigga-jig, Fireman's Song Where I lay fast asleep. Fuck a little pig, I've been sucked off and I've been struck down, She laid her head upon my chest, Follow the hash, I've been pulled off and I've been pulled around, Clang, clang, clang, And then began to weep. Follow the hash all the way. But you're the best fuck that I've ever found, And the goddamn fire went out. She sighed, she cried, she damn near died. Fondle me with care. Oh for the life of a fireman, She said, "What shall I do?" (harriettes substitute "boyfriend's" and "he") To ride on a fire engine red, So I took her into bed and I covered up her head Chorus To say to a team of white horses, Just to keep her from the foggy, foggy dew. My girlfriend's a hasher, a hasher, a hasher, I'm so tired of feeling horny, "Give me head, give me head, give me head!" A mighty fine hasher is she, I still have some cum to give, All through the first part of the night, (pack echoes, "Is she!") Won't you show me all your pubic hairs, My father is a fireman, We did laugh and play. All day long she lays trail, Everybody, wants somebody, to cream on, He puts out fires. And through the latter part of the night, She lays trail, she lays trail, Put your body, next to mine, and dream on. She slept in my arms 'till day. And when she comes home she lays me. My brother is a fireman, Then when the sun shone on our bed, I've had it thin and I've had it thick, He puts out fires. She cried, "I am undone." (Substitute the following combinations for more Had my lumps and I've had my licks, "Hold your tongue you silly girl. verses.) But when you play with my prick, My sister Sal is a fireman's gal, The foggy, foggy dew is gone." Fondle me with care. She puts out too. Harriers' Verses: (Continued...) Now I am a bachelor; I live with my son. Glassblower/she blows glass/blows me. I've got big red bloodshot eyes, 212 I work at the weaver's trade, Mail clerk/licks stamps/licks me. We stayed up and drank all night, First Time And every time I look into his face Waitress/makes tips/tips me. When I exposed myself to your wife, He reminds me of the fair young maid. Singer/hums tunes/hums me. She fondled me with care. The sky was blue, He reminds me of the summer time, Nurse/takes temps/takes me. The sun was high, And the winter too, Prostitute/fucks you/goes to sleep. Well I flashed my dick and terrorized, We were alone, And the many, many times I took her in my Gymnist/strides poles/strides mine. Put my tongue between your thighs, Just she and I, arms Typist/pecks keys/pecks me. Bend over baby and I'll sodomize, Her hair was brown, Just to keep her from the foggy, foggy dew. Baker/kneads bread/needs me. Fondle me with care. Her body fine. Dancer/does steps/does me. I ran my hand along her spine, Asthmatic/sucks air/sucks me. Well, my balls are tight and I've made a mess, With some courage, I'll have to clean up my act I guess, I did my best. Harriettes' Verses: Let me put my hand up your dress, and, I placed my hand upon her breast, Cowboy/rides broncs/rides me. Fondle you with care. My other hand shook, Mechanic/screws bolts/screws me. As did my heart, Soldier/shoots guns/shoots cum.Guitarist/plays 216 I gently spread her legs apart, licks/licks me. Fornication I knew she was ready, Hasher/runs trail/snores. (To: Alouette) But I didn't know how. Tailor/sews thread/sews me. It was the first time, Pimp/beats whores/beats me. Chorus I milked a cow. Carpenter/bangs nails/bangs me. Fornication, I like fornication, Truck driver/grinds gears/grinds me. Fornication, I like to fornicate. It was dripping, 218 It was dripping, Fuck a Duck 220 Songmaster: How I like to bump and grind. It was dripping ri-ight now. (To: Do Re Me) Fucking Hell She's Ugly Pack: Yes, he likes to bump and grind. Right now it was a dripping, (To: All I Want is a Room Somewhere) Songmaster: Bump and grind. It was dripping ri-ight now. Fuck a duck, a female duck, Pack: Bump and grind. Screw a baby kangaroo. All I want is a whore somewhere, Songmaster: Fornicate. Ate it anyway, Finger-bang an orangutang, Great big labia, no pubic hair, Pack: Fornicate. Ate it anyway, Let an elephant do you. Open mouth with no teeth there, All: Oh, oh, oh, oohhh ... Ate it anyway ri-ight now. Oh fucking hell, she's ugerly, ugerly. Right now I ate it anyway, Fell the penis of an eel, Great big tits that hang so slack, Songmaster: How I love to be on top. Ate it anyway ri-ight now. Whack! the asshole of a yak. One is yellow and the other is black, Pack: Yes, he loves to be on top. Masturbate with a gnu, Oh boy, have you seen her crack. Songmaster: Be on top. (Do the following lines in the same fashion as And that will bring you back to, Oh fucking hell, she's ugerly, ugerly. Pack: Be on top. above) Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck... Songmaster: Bump and grind. (repeat as needed) She's got stretch marks on her guts, Pack: Bump and grind. Got the cla-app. Just like all the other sluts, Songmaster: Fornicate. In my mou-outh. 219 An abortion mark that opens and shuts. Pack: Fornicate. Saw the doctor. Fuck the Giant Penis Oh fucking hell, she's ugerly, ugerly. All: Oh, oh, oh, oohhh ... Took the needle. (To: Puff the Magic Dragon) Found another dick. Took her home to meet my mum. (Continue adding lines from the additional vers- It looked healthy. Once a pure white virgin, Dad saw her and nearly come, es below.) So I ate it. Lived by the sea, "Son," he said, "have you seen her bum?" Got si-ick. She frolicked over pastoral fields, Oh fucking hell, she's ugerly, ugerly. How I love... Saw the doctor. Her name Virginity. ...It from behind It was a-aids. A sweet young lass of just sixteen, She's hunch backed with a broken nose, ...To slam the salami Then I di-ied. A rosebud ripe and firm, Got one club foot with an ingrown toe. ...To drive it in deep...To bark like a dog Went to Hea-ven. She wandered o'er the verdant hills, Her menstrual flow comes out of her nose. ...It doggie style Found a Penis. Not knowing of the sperm. Oh fucking hell, she's ugerly, ugerly. ...To pump and hump Ate it anyway. ...To ground her mound (Make up your own variations) Chorus She's got acne you wouldn't believe, ...To give jungle love Well, fuck the giant penis lived not so far away, Broken teeth and breath like cheese. ...It in the dirt His cock was damn near two feet long, Her pubic hair is alive with fleas. ...It on the sand He poked one twice a day, Oh fucking hell, she's ugerly, ugerly. ...It on a boat He was an Ivy Leaguer, with vest and pinstriped ...It in a car shirt, She wears a wig 'cos she's got no hair, ...It in plane He drove a Roadster XKE, that sexed-up extro- The shit cling to her underwear. ...It on a bus vert. I should know 'cos I've been there, ...It on a ... etc. Oh fucking hell, she's ugerly, ugerly. (See "Masturbation" for another song to natu- One day while he was roaming, rally follow this one.) Round the rural strips, She buys her clothes in Pasar Baru, He spied her picking flowers there, To keep them on she uses glue. 217 That bitch with swinging hips. When I take her out my friends all spew, Found a Penis He jumped out of the driver's seat, Oh fucking hell, she's ugerly, ugerly. (To: Found a Peanut) And grabbed her by the ass, He tore off all her clothing, More appropriate for harriettes to sing. Harri- And laid her in the grass. ers can substitute pussy for penis. Her maiden head was busted, Found a penis, The ground ran bloody red, Found a penis, He poked her till the twilight came, Found a penis ri-ight now. Then took her home to bed, Right now I found a penis, He poked her till the sun rose, Found a penis ri-ight now. She begged for more and more. He turned that pure white virgin, Into to a fucking whore! Her wooden leg is far too short, 222 Pack: Bet he'll have a sore dick after the gang bang, Her one glass eye's got a list to port. Furburger King Turner who? Oh yes he will... I've shagged her mum, she's such a sport, (To: Burger King jingle) Oh fucking hell, she's ugerly, ugerly. Songmaster: Orange... I met her when she was thirty-five, Hold my pickle, I'll eat your lettuce, Turn 'er over, let's have another gang bang, Aren't you glad your at the gang bang, I looked into those criss-cross eyes. Cunnilingus don't upset us, Oh yes let's do, Oh yes you are... It was hard to tell if she were dead or alive, All we ask is that you let us have it your way. To Chorus Oh fucking hell, she's ugerly, ugerly. Have it your way - sit on my face, Aspen... Have it your way - give us a taste, Gladiator... I spend too much time at the gang bang, She said, "Grab me by the private parts." Have it your way at Furburger King. Glad he ate her out before the gang bang, Oh yes I did... As I did she blew a fart. Oh yes he was... Followed with a grunt from within her cunt, 223 Europa... Oh fucking hell, she's ugerly, ugerly. Gang Bang Oliver... You rope her to the bed post for the gang bang, (To: Billboard March) All of 'er clothes were off at the gang bang, Oh yes you do... She said, "Grab me again while the feeling Oh yes they were... lasts." I love a gang bang, Oh yes I do, Alexander... Then you can poke it up my arse. Chorus Ranger... I licks under her ass at the gang bang, I said, "No, I think I'll pass." 'Cause a gang bang makes me feel so good. Arranger for best entry at the gang bang, Oh yes I do... Oh fucking hell, she's ugerly, ugerly. When I was younger, and in my prime, Oh yes let's do... I use to gang bang all the ti-i-ime. Irish... Now she's dead and there ain't no more, But now I'm older, and turning gray, Peter Meter... I wish we were at the gang bang, I fucked to death that rotten whore. I only gang bang twice a da-a-ay. My peter'll meet her a the gang bang, Oh yes I do... My balls are red and my prick's so sore. Oh yes it will... Oh fucking hell, she's ugerly, ugerly. Songmaster: Virginia... "Knock-knock" Ben Dover... Virgins are welcome at the gang bang, 221 Bend over and have another gang bang, Oh yes they are... The Full Moon Howlers Pack: Oh yes let's do... (To: Sejle Opad Aaen) Who's there? Shelby...

Dolly Parton... She'll be sore after the gang bang, Danish traditional tune, "Sailing Up the River" Songmaster: Dolly's partin' her thighs at the gang bang, Oh yes she will... Ida Oh yes she is... We are the full mOOn ho-o-o-o-o-owlers Anita... Sly mid-night prow-lers are we, Pack: Bob... I need a little rest before the gang bang, We "mOOn" the spooks, Ida, who Bob down and let's have another gang bang, Oh yes I do... Drink wit-ches' brew, Oh yes let's do... Dairy... 'Cause we're sons of bit-ches just like you, Songmaster: Dare we invite_____to the gang bang,

Ida want another gang bang, Orange... Oh yes we should... We live by the ca-nine co-o-o-o-o-o-odex, Oh yes I do, Orange you glad I didn't say, Hear up, we'll teach it to you: To Chorus Bob down and let's have another gang bang, Mountain grown... "If you can't eat, Oh yes let's do... Mount and groan at the gang bang, or screw it, then, Songmaster: Oh yes we will... Piss on it, Piss on it, once a-gain!" "Knock-knock" Yurin...

Yearning for sloppy seconds at the gang bang, Police... For we are the full mOOn ho-o-o-o-o-owlers, Pack: Oh yes I am... P-lease take me to the gang bang, HO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-WL. Who's there? Tiajuana... Oh yes please do... Songmaster: Do ya wanna bring your mother to the gang Turner bang, Charlotte... Oh yes you do... Sure lot of fucking at the gang bang, Continued... Oh yes there is... Kissinger... Kissing 'er's great, but fuckin' 'er's better, Platypus... At the gang bang, oh yes it is... Plenty O puss at the gang bang, Oh yes there is... Betty... Howard... I lost my keys to the handcuffs at the gang bang, (To: I am a gay young caballero,) How were the tits at the gang bang, Tijuana... Oh yes I did... Oh they were great... Tijuana bring your mama to the gang bang, I come from Rio de Janeiro, Oh yes you do... M.R... I carry with me my weetrembeli, Martha... M.R. some nice tits at the gang bang, And both of my latrabaleros. More the merrier at the gang bang, Eisenhower... Oh yes they are... I met a gay young se¤orita, Oh yes it is... It's an hour late for the gang bang, Who gave me a dose of clapita, Oh yes it is... Mister Bush... Right on the end of my weetrembeli, Theodore... Mister Bush and came on her stomach gang And both of my latrabaleros. The ole door was locked at the gang bang, Witchy... bang, Oh yes he did... Oh yes it was... Whichy one you gonna fuck at the gang bang, I went to a wise surgeano, Oh which one... Charlie Pride... He said, "I prescribe purgeano." Extinct ... Charlie pried her legs apart at the gang bang, He cut off the end of my weetrembeli It stinked like fish at the gang bang, Hedda... Oh yes he did... And both of my latrabaleros. Oh yes it did... Hedda lotta sex at the gang bang, Turner... Oh yes I did... Turner over and have another gang bang, And now I'm a sad Cabellero, Maybell... Oh yes he did... Returning to Rio de Janeiro. Maybe she'll do us all the gang bang, Adolph... But not, as you see, with my weetrembeli, Oh yes she will... I ate off the bed at the gang bang, Charlie Pryde... And both of my latrabaleros. Oh yes I did... Charlie pried her legs apart at the gang bang, Chester... Dixie... Oh yes he did... At night as I lie on my pillow, Chests'll be everywhere at the gang bang, My dick's erect at the gang bang, Seeking to finger my willow, Oh yes they will... Oh yes it is... Lena... All I find there is a handful of hair, Lean 'er up against the door and we'll gang And one dried up latrabalero. Ilene... Satellite... bang, I leaned her over the couch at the gang bang, Sat alot on her face at the gang bang, Oh yes we will... Oh yes I did... Oh yes I did... 225 Sharon... Banana... The Gender Bender Song Share and share alike at the gang bang, Eaton... (Everyone turns in circles (To: I will Survive) Oh yes we will... She'll be "eat'n" everybody at the gang bang, then in place of chorus) Oh yes she will... Banana na na na na naa, I used to be a man, Heada... Na na na na, na na na na naa. Now I'm sterilized. Had a lot of sex at the gang bang, Kenya... Na na na na na na naa, Thinking why do I need a woman, Oh yes I did... Can ya give me directions to the gang bang, Na na na na na na naa. Always by my side? Oh yes you can... So now I spend so much time, Bender... Orange... Simply playin' with myself, Bend her over the counter at the gang bang, Pasteur... Ar-en't you glad I didn't say, You know I cum so well alone, Oh yes we will... Passed her over me twice at the gang bang, (Everyone turns in circles I don't need nobody else. Oh yes I did... then in place of chorus) Sam and Janet... Banana na na na na naa, Oh no not I, I will survive, Sam and Janet evening I'd have a gang bang, Abbott... Na na na na, na na na na naa. I've had my HIV tested, Oh yes they will... I bet you won't be alone at the gang bang, Na na na na na na naa, And I think I'll stay alive. Oh no you won't... Na na na na na na naa. Maybe I gotta a month, Mason Dixon... Or perhaps even two, Who gives a shit anyway, My son's dick's in the girl at gang bang, Comrade... Stars and Stripes Forever. If I didn't fuck you Oh yes it is... Come right on over to the gang bang, (Pack does not reply with a question but imme-

Oh yes you come... diately begins the song Stars and Stripes Forev- Shirley... er using the "na na" for the sounds, gathering So turn your back, and marching in line behind the songmaster. Grease out your rear. Surely you got laid at the gang bang, Eileen... This verse ends the song.) Stick out your arse now, Oh yes I did... Eileen her over the sofa at the gang bang, And I'll fuck you right here. Oh yes I will... It don't really matter, Ima... If you're a guy or a girl I'm a glad we had this gang bang, 224 Mikey... Gay Caballero I am a Gender Bender, Oh yes I am... I make the meek & humble hurl. The professor sucked off Mary Anne, She's a dirty motherfucker, And Thurston Howell the 3rd, She's a rotten whore, 230 Oh, no not I, I will survive, Was nuzzlin' Gilligan's asshole, She's the girl from Baltimore The Girl's Song If you like forget the rubbers, Hopin' for a turd. What did the Hasher say? And we'll let this virus thrive. Bum titty-bum titty-bum titty-bum, See The Boy's Song and Girl's Song I really don't give a shit, Mrs Howell and Ginger were doin' 69, Titty-bum titty-bum titty-bum titty-bum. 'Cause it can't affect me, Ginger thought her period was late, Spread your cheeks now bitch, But it was right on time! Oh she went to the well just to make a wish, I'll give you this one for free. But the funk of her cunt killed off all the fish. 228 Gimme That Old Time Religion Oh she went for a ride on her motorcycle, 226 (To: Give Me That Old Time Religion) But the funk of her cunt knocked the chain off Get It Up the cycle. (To: Bonanza) We will follow Zarathustra, Zarathustra like we use to, She visited Jakarta on a medical trip, Get it up, get it in, get it out don't mess my hair I'm a Zarathustra booster, But the funk of her cunt just continued to drip. do, And he's good enough for me! She laid a Wednesday run just for a caper, You've got a dick but you should lick, move that Using the funk of her cunt instead of using pa- tongue around, Chorus per. Hit the spot, make me hot, Give me that old time religion, I will scream out loud. Give me that old time religion, She laid it round a . . . late one afternoon, Give me that old time religion, But the funk of her cunt knocked the star off the Get it up, get it in, get it out don't mess my hair 'Cause it's good enough for me! moon. do, She took a short cut just to get back quicker, You've got a dick but you should lick, move that We will worship with the Buddha, But the funk of her cunt made the shiggy thick- tongue around, Among gods, there is none cuta, er. Suck my toes, insert your hose, Comes in silver, brass and pewta, Make my juices flow. and it's good enough for me... She led them down a cliff just to test their reac- (Continued...) tion, Get it up, get it in, get it out don't mess my hair We will worship like the Druids, But the funk of her cunt made them lose all their do, Dancing naked in the woods, traction. You've got a dick but you should lick, move that Drinking strange fermented fluids, tongue around, And it's good enough for me! They made her sing a song at the end of the day, When I am done and I have cum, But the funk of her cunt made the circle go We'll start another round. We will pray with the Egyptians, away. Build pyramids to put our crypts in, Get it up, get it in, get it out don't mess my hair cover our subways with inscriptions , At last she was a leaving and we gave her a do, and its good enough for me. mug, You've got a dick but you should lick, move that But the funk of her cunt was enough to fill her tongue around. In the church of Aphrodite, jug. 227 The priestess wears a see-through nightie, Gilligan's Island, The Real Story She's a mighty righteous sightie, I tried to eat her out, but I was appalled, (To: Gilligan's Island Theme) And she's good enough for me! Cause the funk from her cunt made me go bald.

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, She went to the doctor to get the pill, A tale of a fateful trip, 229 But the funk of her cunt made the doctor ill. That started with a drippy dick, Girl From Baltimore And a cold sore on my lip. Well she went and shaved her beave,

Oh she went to the church just to pray for the But the funk of her cunt made her boyfriend The skipper started getting rough, people, heave. He grabbed my scrotum sack, But the funk of her cunt knocked the cross off Pulled it back between my legs, the steeple. Oh she ran down the tracks to shortcut the trail, And shoved it up my crack. But the skunk from her cunt made the train de-

Chorus rail. 231 232 Drunk the night before, 'cause they talk like Donald Duck Give Me A Clone Give Me That Good Old Vino And I'm gonna get drunk tonight, And they don't know how to fuck (To: Home, Home on the Range) Like I've never been drunk before! There are no serious Hashers in New York I like my gin - it helps me get in, And when I'm drunk, There are no serious Hashers in F L A Oh, give me a clone, But give me that good old vino. I'm as happy as can be, There are no serious Hashers in F L A Of my own flesh and bone, I like my vino, 'Cause I am a member of the Hash family. Because they all wear string bikinis With its Y-chromosome changed to an X. It gives me a schwing supremo. And the guys have little wienies And when it is grown, Chorus There are no serious Hashers in F L A Then my own little clone, Chorus Singing Glorious, Victorious! (Continued...) Will be of the opposite sex. Aye-yi-yi-yi, Hey!!! Oh there are no female Hashers in the Rockies Si, si signora. One keg of beer for the four of us. Oh there are no female Hashers in the Rockies Chorus My sister Belinda she pissed out the window Singing Glory be to God that there are no more Cause when they're running through the trees Clone, clone of my own, And filled up my brand new sombrero. of us, Their tits hang down to their knees With your Y-chromosome changed to an X, 'Cause one of us could drink it all alone, Oh there are no Female hashers in the Rockies And when I'm alone, I like my beer - it helps cure gonorrhea, Damn near, pass the beer, to the rear, of the With my own little clone, But give me that good old vino. Hash House. There are no serious Hashers in the Navy We will both think of nothing but sex. There are no serious Hashers in the Navy I like my liquor - it makes me cum quicker, Beer, beer, beer, beer Because they're all on little boats Oh, give me a clone, But give me that good old vino. Beer, beer, beer, beer Making love to sheep and goats Is my sorrowful moan, Drunk last night There are no serious Hashers in the Navy

A clone that is wholly my own. I like my brandy - it makes me feel randy, Drunk the night before And if she's an X, But give me that good old vino. Gonna get drunk tonightLike I've never been Oh there are no honest Hashers in D.C. Of the feminine sex, drunk before Oh there are no honest Hashers in D.C. Cause when I'm drunk I'm as happy as can be Cause they're taking all our money Oh, what fun we will have when we're prone. I like my stout - it helps me get out, Cause we're all part of the Hash House family While they're fucking our sweet honies But give me that good old vino. Oh there are no honest Hashers in D.C. My heart's not of stone, Oh, the Hash family, As I've frequently shown, I like my rum - it helps me to cum, When alone with my own little X, Is the best family, There are no serious Hashers in K Y But give me that good old vino. To ever come over, There are no serious Hashers in K Y And after we've dined, I'm sure we will find, From the old country. 'Cause they're all a bunch of Hicks 233 There's the High Hash Drunks Who are playing with their pricks Better incest than Oedipus Rex. Give a Little Whistle There's the Low Hash Drunks There are no serious Hashers in K Y (To: Give a Little Whistle) There's the Asian Drunks Why should such sex vex, Or disturb or perplex, And the other damn drunks There are no serious Hashers in Calgary When you find the true trail, There are no serious Hashers in Calgary Or induce a disparaging tone. And you want some com-pan-y, After all, don't you see, Verses: 'cause they'll wade through waist deep snow Give a little whis-tle (whistle), Tune: She'll be Coming Around the Mountain Just to give a cow a blow Since we're both of us are me, Give a little whis-tle (whistle). When we're having sex, I'm alone. There are no serious Hashers in Calgary When you meet temp-ta-tion, And the urge to short-cut's strong, There are no serious Hashers, And after I'm done, Give a little whis-tle (whistle), By the Bay, by the Bay. There are no serious Hashers from the South She'll still have her fun, Give a little whis-tle (whistle). There are no serious Hashers, There are no serious Hashers from the South For I'll clone myself ere I die. Not just an "On-Onnn!" By the Bay, by the Bay. With their necks of crimson red And this time without fail, Puck-er up and Blow! 'Cause they're all a bunch of queers, and their cousins they will wed They'll be both of them male, And if their whistle's gone, Who get drunk on half a beer, It's a sure sign that they are all inbred And they'll each ravish her by and by. Yell, "Give 'em a down-down!" There are no serious Hashers by the Bay! Take the path that's laid with hash, There are no serious Hashers in Milwaukee And if you see Beer Near, There are no serious Hashers in L A. There are no serious Hashers in Milwaukee Give a little whis-tle (whistle), There are no serious Hashers in L A, 'cause the men all ride on Hogs Give a little whis-tle (whistle), Because the smog blocks out the sun, and the women howl like dogs And always let the hash marks be your guide. And they don't know how to run, There are no serious Hashers in Milwaukee 234 There are no serious Hashers in L A. Glorious, Victorious There are no serious hashers in Rumson There are no serious Hashers in New York There are no serious hashers in Rumson Drunk last night, There are no serious Hashers in New York 'cause there's no wimmin at their hashes for sex they bugger their buddies asses round, 236 237 There are no serious hashers in Rumson Cause he looked like a squashed tamale. Gonorrhea The Good Hash Lollipop (To: Vilikins and His Dinah) (To: On the Good Ship Lollipop) 235 But I really miss my wee Chihuahua chum, Gomez The Chihuahua So I went down to the pet shop to get another When I left old Phuket, 'twas just yesterday, Chorus one. I was given these words by the dear old R.A., It's the good hash lol-li-pop, Well, I used to have a doggie and his name was I went in feeling happy, but I came out feeling "Be careful young Hashman, I want you to hear, You can't get one in the can-dy shop. Little Gomez, glum, Don't go and get pissed up and catch gonor- Where my little crabs play, (grab crotch) 'Cause you see he was a Mexican Chihuahua. Cause the man down at the pet shop liked corny rhea." You don't have to beg just eat all day. There wasn't much of him, but what there was, puns. was all cajones. The man down at the pet shop liked corny puns. Chorus Just one lick here, anywhere, He was certainly a randy little fella'. Piss off with your troubles, And I will start, float - ing on air, And he said, "Yes, we have no Chihuahuas. I don't want to know, And there you are, Large dogs, small dogs, it mattered not to him, We have no Chihuahuas, today. I don't get embarrassed wherever I go, Getting cream from my chocolate bar. The canine equivalent of Errol Flynn. We have Dalmatians, creations, results from all I like to go whoring and drink lots of beer, See my big pop rise, then you open your eyes, At the drop of a sombrero he'd jump up and get flirtations, And I never worry about gonorrhea. And you suck real hard it quakes. stuffed in, A half Pekinese, and a Char-pei. If you eat too much, Ooh Ooh! Taking Gomez out for walks, it was embarrass- But, Yes, we have no Chihuahuas. I went down to the river and there on the bank, You'll awake with a tum-my ache. in'. We have no Chihuahuas, today. I saw an old man who was having a wank, (to chorus) Disgusted, I told him it'll make him go blind, I remember one day in the park his tally rose by He said, "Son, it's so good I really don't mind." four, 238 While in the square, a crowd was amassin'. I went round to a friend's house making some Good Ship Venus Two highly strung French Poodles, a golden calls, (To: T'was on the good ship Venus,) Labrador, His old dog was sitting there just licking its And a Raccoon who just happened to be passin'. balls, By Christ you should've seen us, I said, "That looks nice, I'd like to try that," The figurehead was a nude in bed, I tried every way to curb his carnal appetite, Well, okay, but first give old Fido a pat. Sucking a red hot penis. I kept him on a leash by day and locked him up at night. Into the Rock Hard I happened to stroll, Chorus I even put saltpeter in his doggie Meaty Bites, To sit and perv on some lovely young moll, Frigging on the rigging, But the only thing that might have worked was One sat down beside me, 'twas when I awoke, Wanking on the planking, kryptonite. For the last twenty minutes I'd been ogling a Masturbating on the grating, The only thing that might have worked was bloke. There's fuck all else to do. kryptonite. While out in the jungle and running with Hash, I felt like a blow job and I had some spare cash, The Captain's name was Slugger, Then came that fateful day, when he tried to I offered a young lady the sum of ten bucks, He was a dirty bugger, consummate, She said, "Wait for the G.M., they say that he He wasn't fit to shovel shit, A liaison with a Saint Bernard called Broadwin. sucks." On any bugger's lugger. And although he was fighting quite well above his weight, Well I finally caught it, and I'll tell you this, The First Mate's name was Paul, He didn't let this awful prospect daunt him. You cannot drink beer, and it hurts you to piss, He only had one ball, He nearly pulled it off, Oh what an acrobat. I've a little red sore that looks just like a chan- But with that cracker he rolled terbaccer, Then Broadwin deposed and down she sat. cre, Round the friggin' wall. But I'd rather be poxed up than like you, you They say that after making love, you often feel wanker. The Second Mate's name was Andy, quite flat His legs were long and bandy. I'm sure that Little Gomez would agree with We filled his ass with molten brass, that. For pissing in the brandy. I'm sure that Little Gomez would agree with that. (Continued...) The Third Mate's name was Carter, I buried Little Gomez in the park, his happy By God, he was a farter, hunting ground. When the wind wouldn't blow and the ship A sad but fitting finale. wouldn't go, I had to dig a grave that was shallow, flat and We'd get Carter the farter to start her. He puts it in through thick and thin, They found some sand in his prostrate gland,He Round and round went the bloody great wheel, And whacks off in the sherbet. had to be castrated. In and out went a rod of steel. The crew they were all whiney, I'll lay you money on a sure-fire bet, They'd drink up all their winey. The Boatswain's name was Lester, And the ladies of the nation, That bloody great wheel is turning yet. From bed to bed, they looked for head, He was a hymen tester. Arose in indignation, But settled for some hiney. Through hymens thick he shoved his prick, They stuffed his bum with chewing gum, So he mounted up a great big wheel, And leave it there to fester. A smart retaliation. There upon a rod of steel, One seaman's name was Morgan, The engineer was McTavish, Two brass chambers a-filled with cream, He was a grisly Gorgon. And young girls he did ravish. So now we end this serial, And the whole bloody thing was run by steam. Three times a day he strummed away, His missing tool's at Istanbul, Through sheer lack of material, Upon his sexual organ. He was a trifle lavish. We wish you luck and freedom from Then he rolled it through the bedroom door, Diseases venereal. And the wheel started up with a great big roar. Another's name was Wiggun, A homo was the Purser, It rolled to his wife and rolled on top, By God he had a big 'un. He couldn't have been worser, 239 And it pumped until she hollered stop. We bashed that cock,With a bloody rocks, With all the crew he had a screw, Gracious Submission For cumming in the riggin'. Until they yelled, "Oh, no sir." (To: Blessed Assurance. Contributor apologizes But the bloody great wheel just rolled on for stepping on any religious toes. It is meant through, Another's name was Slater, Another one was Cropper, only in jest.) 'Till the cowboy's wife was split in two. He was a masturbator. Oh Christ he had a whopper. Then as if possessed by a monstrous whim, He'd pump and pump his massive stump, Twice round the deck, once round his neck, Harriers: It turned around and mounted him. And clean the mess up later. And up his bum for a stopper. Gracious submission, this is God's test; Ladies in shackles, Southern Baptists are best; It rolled to the gate and it steamed real fast, The Captain's wife was Mabel, The cabin boy was Kipper, Shining my shoes and fetching a beer; Mounting all the people just a-strolling past, Whenever she was able. A dirty little nipper, This is our faith; so do it, my dear. Covered them all with grease and cream, She gave the crew their daily screw, He lined his ass with broken glass, 'Till it disappeared in a cloud of steam. Upon the messroom table. And circumcised the skipper. Chorus Harriettes: So if you ever see a bloody great wheel, His mistress was called Charlotte, The ship's dog's name was Rover, Gracious submission, this is my song; There apon a rod of steel, Who was born and bred a harlot The whole crew did him over, Serving my husband all the day long; Run for the prairie or over the hill, Her legs at night were lily-white, They'd ground and ground that faithful hound, Gracious submission, this is my song; Unless you're looking for a long-time thrill. But in the morning they were scarlet. From Singapore to Dover. Kissing his butt and tagging along. (See also Engineer Song)

The Captain's randy daughter, The ship's cat's name was Kitty, All: Was swimming in the water, His hole was black and shitty, Patterson speaketh, Convention agrees; Delighted squeals came as eels, But shit or not it had a twat, Paige is the prophet, we're down on our knees; Entered her sexual quarter. The Captain showed no pity. Ladies are mothers, they work in the house, Serving their husbands, meek as a mouse. Then there was the Navigator, 'Twas in the Adriatic, He was a fornicator. Where the water's almost static, Harriers: The horny sod he took a broad, The rise and fall of arse and ball, Men should be leaders, that is the rule; And after he fucked her, her ate her. Was almost automatic. Ladies should follow, it's so very cool; June Cleaver, the model, what a lady should be; The cook whose name was Freeman, On the trip to Buenos Aires, The 50's were godly, as godly as me. He was a dirty demon, We rogered all the fairies. He served the crew with menstrual stew, We got the syph at Tenneriffe, 240 And hymens fried in semen. And a dose of clap in the Canaries. Great Big Wheel (To: Old Hundred)

Another cook was O'Mally, 'Twas on the China Station, He didn't dilly dally, To roars of approbation, Oh a Cowboy told me before he died, He shot his bolt with such a jolt, We sunk a Junk with a load of spunk And I've got no reason to think he lied, He whitewashed half the galley. By mutual masturbation. That though he tried for most of his life, He just never could satisfy his wife.

Another cook was Herbert, The Captain was elated, A gastronomical pervert. The Crew investigated, Chorus 241 Well the moral told here is when you're hashing 244 Chorus Green Grow the Rashes O in Texas, Handsome Hasher You do the hanky panky, (To: Green Grow the Rushes O) You ought to keep your tongue out of other (To: Pretty Woman, but obviously a song to be Get his trousers down, people's sexes. sang by harriettes, or those out of the closet.) That's what it's all about. Green grow the rashes O, They thought they'd honor him for public cunni- Green grow the rashes O, lingus, Handsome Hasher, running down the street, You do the top lip lick, The sweetest bed I ever had, Now Gunga's called... Gungalingus. Handsome Hasher, the kind I like to meet, You do the bottom lip lick, Was the bellies of the lasses O. Handsome Hasher, I don't believe you, you're You give a little giggle, 243 not true, 'Cause he thinks you'll lick his prick. We're all full from eating it, Hallelujah, I'm A Bum No one could be hung like you. We're all dry from drinking it, You put your right tit out, The parson kissed the fiddler's wife, Oh, why don't you work like other men do? Handsome Hasher, won't you pardon me, You put your left tit out, And couldn't preach for thinking of it. How the hell can I work when there's no work Handsome Hasher, I couldn't help but see, Nipples getting harder, There's a pious lass in town, to do? Handsome hasher, you look horny, I can see, So you shake them all about. Godly Lizzy Lundy O, Are you horny just like me? She mounts the peak throughout the week, Chorus You put your right cheek out, But fingers it on Sunday O. Hallelujah, I'm a bum, Handsome Hasher, stop a while, You put your left cheek out, Hallelujah, bum again. Handsome Hasher, talk a while, You give a little wobble, Lizzie is of large dimension, Hallelujah, give us a handout, Handsome Hasher, give your cock to me, Watch his eyes pop out. There is not a doubt of it, To revive us again. Handsome Hasher, yeah, yeah, yeah. The soccer team went in last night, You put your right leg out, And none has yet come out of it. Springtime is here and I'm just out of jail, Handsome Hasher, say you'll cum, You put your left leg out, The whole winter in without any tail. Handsome Hasher, say you'll cum on me, Spread them at the knees, Jockie's wife she thought she"d shave it, Cause I need you, I'll treat you right, So he can see what it's about. Threw him in a pretty passion, I went to a house and I knocked on the door, Cum on me baby, be mine tonight. Shouting he'd not have a wife, My cock sticking straight out, my balls on the You put the right hip out, Whose private parts were out of fashion. floor. Handsome Hasher, don't run on by, You put the left hip out, Handsome Hasher, don't make me cry, Grab him by the ballocks, I asked for a piece of bread and some food, Handsome Hasher, don't run away. And you squeeze until he spouts. 242 The lady said, "Bum, you will eat when I'm Gunga's Song screwed." OK, if that's the way it must be, You put your pelvis in, (To: The Beverly Hillbillies) OK, I guess I'll go home and masturbate, You put your pelvis out, When I left that lady, my cock it was sore, There'll be tomorrow night, I'll wait. Go a little faster, This here's a story about a man named Gunga, My belly was full, her ass it was tore. And you grind it all about. He had no prick, so he had to use his tongue-a. What do I see? It was down in Houston at a Hash House Harri- I went to another and I asked her for bread, Is he jogging back to me? You give the right ear groan, er's run... She emptied the pee-pot all over my head. Yes, he's jogging back to me, You give the left ear groan, A harlot straddled him and said, "Let us have Oh, oh, handsome Hasher. Grind a little faster,'Cause he's going to drop his some fun!" Be happy and glad for the springtime has come, load. You know... moustache rides... face smegma... We'll throw down our shovels and go on the bum. You give a right cheek kiss, Well the next thing you know old Gunga's 245 You give a left cheek kiss, caught in the act, Hanky Panky Hate to be a liar, The Hash folks said, "You oughtn't be licking (To: Hokey Pokey) But you tell him it was bliss. that!" The pound is the place where she ought to be, You give the right eye wink, He didn't have a worry, except for V.D. We've done the hanky panky, You give the left eye wink, Got his trousers down, You know... tongue rot... herpes sores... You give the "come here" wink, So fuck off! And he buys us both a drink. 246 Happy Wank Song (To: Happy Talk, from South Pacific)

Chorus Happy wank, keep talking happy wank, Of the student of Jerusalem. A penis like a butcher's hook, Wanking is what you'd like to do. It was for her no fortune good, The finest in Jerusalem. You gotta have wet dreams. That he should need to root his pud, He seized the bastard by his crook, If you don't have wet dreams, And choose her out of all the brood, With a single furious look, He laid her down upon her back, How you gonna make wet dreams come true? Of harlots in Jerusalem. And flung him over Kedrun's brook, And tried to shove it up her crack, That babbles past Jerusalem. But had no luck in trying to fuck, (Repeat Chorus) For though he paid his women well, The harlot of Jerusalem. This syphilitic spawn of hell, The student gave a furious roar, Wanking to the moon, Struck down each year and tolled the bell,For And rushed to even up the score, Cathusalem she gave a grunt, Floatin' in de sky, ten harlots of Jerusalem. And with his swollen prick did bore, And with a snap she shut her cunt, Wankin' 'til your cummin' like a lake. The cunt of fair Cathusalem. And threw him high into the sky, Wankin' with your flute, Forth from the town he took the slut, Far beyond Jerusalem. Open up your fly, For 'twas his whim always to rut, And reeling full of rage and fight, Makin' all de mu-sic it can make. By the Salvation Army hut, He pushed the bastard Onanite, Away he flew across the sea, Do chorus once more. Outside of Old Jerusalem. And rubbed his face in Cathy's shite, Across the Sea of Galilee, The foulest in Jerusalem. And caught his bullock in a tree, 247 With artful eye and leering look, Three leagues beyond Jerusalem. The Harlot of Jerusalem He took out from its filthy nook, Cathusalem she knew her part, His penis twisted like a crook, She closed her cunt and blew a fart, And there he hangs unto this day, In days of old there lived a maid, The Pride of Old Jerusalem. That sent him flying like a dart, And seen by all who pass that way, She was mistress of her trade, Right over old Jerusalem. The silly ape that tried to rape, A prostitute of high repute, He leaned the whore against the slum, The harlot of Jerusalem. The Harlot of Jerusalem. And tied her at the knee and bum, And buzzing like a bumble bee, Knowing where the strain would come, He flew straight out towards the sea, 248 Chorus Upon the fair Cathusalem. But caught his arsehole in a tree, Harriette The Tattooed Hasher Hi Ho Cathusalem, That grows in Old Jerusalem. (To: Lydia the Tattooed Lady) Cathusalem, Cathusalem, He seized the harlot by the bum, Hi Ho Cathusalem, And rattling like a Lewis gun, And to this day you still can see, Harriette, oh Harriette, The harlot of Jerusalem. He sowed the seed of many a son, His arsehole hanging from that tree, Say have you met Harriette? Into the fair Cathusalem. Let that to you a warning be, Harriette the tattooed hasher, And though she fucked for many a year, When passing through Jerusalem. She eyes that harriers adore so, And a torso even more so. Of pregnancy she had no fear, It was a sight to make you sick,

She washed her passage out with beer, To hear him grunt so fast and quick, And when the moon is bright and red, The best in all Jerusalem. While grinding with his crooked prick, A castrated form sails overhead, Harriette, oh Harriette, The womb of fair Cathusalem. Still raining curses on the head, That sexy little vignette. She lived within the palace walls, Of the harlot of Jerusalem. Harriette the erotic queen of tattoo, On one tit is a mural of Adam's first screw. And round the walls were hung the balls, Then up there came an Onanite, Beside it a drawing of Eve's blow-job too, Of every cock who'd tried to root, With warty prick besmeared with shite, As for the student and his lass, And right above is her price list in blue. The harlot of Jerusalem. He'd sworn that he would goal that night, Many a playful night did pass, You can get your rocks off with Harriette. The harlot of Jerusalem. Until she joined the V.D. class,

Now in a hovel by the wall, For harlots of Jerusalem. Titty bum, titty bum, titty bum, titty bum. A student lived with but one ball, He loathed the art of copulation, She can give you a view of sex in tattoo, Who'd been though all, or nearly all, For his delight was masturbation, Nearby there lived an Arab tall, If you step up and tell her what. The harlots of Jerusalem. And with a spurt of cruel elation, Who with his prick could move a wall, For only a buck you can see doggies fuck, He saw the whore Cathusalem. It was the pride of nearly all, Or sixty-nine different kinds of twat. His phallic lean was lean and tall, The harlots of Jerusalem. His phallic art caused all to fall, So when he saw the grunting pair, Titty bum, titty bum, titty bum, titty bum. And victims lined the Wailing Wall, One night returning from a spree, With roars of rage he rent the air, Harriette, oh Harriette, That goes around Jerusalem. He saw her there beneath a tree, And vowed that he would soon take care, Harriette, the tattooed hasher. And vowed that very night that he,Would lay Of the harlot of Jerusalem. When her muscles start aflexin', her in Jerusalem. One night returning from a spree, All the tattoos get an erection.

With customary whore-lust he, Upon the earth he found a stick, Made up his mind to call and see, He took her to a shady nook, To which he fastened half a brick, Harriette, oh Harriette, The Harlot of Jerusalem. An took a swipe at the mighty prick And from his open fly he took, Harriette the harlot we love. And I'm feeling lonesome and blue, 251 He wears thorns for a crown, She once swept our GM clear off his feet, And when I milk the cow it seems somehow, Has Anybody Seen J.C.? Women scream when he goes down, The design on her behind made his heart skip a My thoughts keep straying to you, (To: Has Anybody Seen My Gal?) Has anybody seen R J? beat. And as the horse and I plow the fields nearby, And now a tiny bastard sucks at her teat, Your mem'ry I can't erase, Five foot nine; He's divine; If they nailed him to a cross, For he went and fucked our Harriette. 'Cause when I walk at the rear of the horse, my Says He comes from Palestine, It would be every barman's loss. dear, Has anybody seen J.C.? Has anybody seen R J? 249 I seem to see your face. Harriettes, They Play One Well, if you run into a five foot Jew, Viking horn on his head, (To: This Old Man) Chorus Covered with thorns, Don't help much when he's in bed. I'm gonna sow the seeds of deep devotion, Holes in his hands, spear in his side, Has anybody seen R J? Harriettes, they play one, Fertilize it with emotion, Man, that cat's been crucified! All they want to do is cum, Water it with warm desire, In Cyprus Pecker Picker picked his pecker, And then I'll reap the harvest of love. Five foot nine; He's divine; Didn't know it was a double decker. Chorus Changes water into wine, Has anybody seen R J? With a knick knack, Side by side we'll take a ride, Has anybody seen J.C.? Slap her ass, In my horse and buggy one day, East or West, North or South, Poke her with my bone, Down lover's lane I'll turn the reins, Well, if you run into a five foot Jew, No woman has a sorer mouth. This drunk hare will stumble home. And my horse will run out of hay, Covered with thorns, Has anybody seen R J? And I will kiss those lips, those tempting lips, Holes in his hands, spear in his side, Harriettes, they play two, The only one that can thrill me, Man, that cat's been crucified! And we will frolic at night in the pale moon- We just want to speckle you, 253 light, Well, he is camp, he is cool, If the wife ever finds out she'll kill me. Hash House Harrier Harriettes, they play three, He will walk across your swimming pool, (To: British Grenadier) Won't you swallow my cum for me, Has anybody seen J.C.? I like the girls who say they will, Harriettes, they play four, 252 I hate the girls who don it. We like to see you on all fours, Has Anybody Seen R J? I hate the girls who say they will, (To: Has Anybody Seen My Gal?) And then they say the won't. Harriettes, they play five, But of all the girls I like the best, If you don't swallow you'll get hives, Five foot two, eyes of blue, I may be wrong or right, He'll always be more drunk than you. Are the girls who say they never will, Harriettes, they play six, Has anybody seen R J? But look as though they might. We just want to slap you with our dicks, Harriettes, they play seven, Eyes of red, almost dead, Some die of constipation, But they all just wish it was eleven, Gutters are his favorite bed. And some of diarrhea. Has anybody seen R J? And some of masturbation, Harriettes, they play eight, And some of gonorrhea. We all know you masturbate, Holy Ghost, he's the most, (Continued...) Cheese and crackers when he's the host. But of all the world's diseases, Harriettes, they play nine, Has anybody seen R J? There's none that can compare: All they do is whinge and whine, With the drip, drip, drip, Talk to him, he's no fool, Of the syphilitic prick, He'll end up floating in your swimming pool. Of a Hash House Harrier. Harriettes, they play ten, We're not boys, we're harrier men, Has anybody seen R J? When he goes forth in pursuit, His bottle in his hand, Harriettes, they play eleven, He has written a sacred book,A record of every drink he took, The lasses fall like cattle, But all they can handle is only seven. There's none can make a stand. Has anybody seen R J? But when the campaign's over, 250 It's then he's bogged in mire: Harvest of Love Whiskey, beer, gin, or rye, He will come and drink you dry. With the drip, drip, drip, Of the syphilitic prick, I rise at six and I feed the chicks, Has anybody seen R J? Of a Hash House Harrier. This other virgin he was there, Don't you want to get laid tonight. They think they have all the fun. And when he does retire, Askin' 'bout toe sucks, You're such a pretty lady, you're such a sweet To take his well-earned rest, The harriettes frowned and then they said, man, _____ men, they play two, There burns an ancient fire, "What do you want for three bucks?" When you dance it hardens up my thang. They can't get it up to screw. To do what he does best. Chorus And yet, the truth is bitter, The other virgin SHE was there, _____ men, they play three, 'Cause he could never be a marrier: Givin' us all a great view, 257 They think they get sex for free. With the drip, drip, drip, While dancing on the table, Hasher Man (By Monsignor Moon. To: Iron Man by Black Of the syphilitic prick, She said she'd do the crew. _____ men, they play four, Sabbath) Of a Hash House Harrier. They can't get it up to score.

This other virgin HE was there, 254 Getting drunk as he could be, Has he lost his mind? _____ men, they play five, Or is he really one-of-a-kind? Hash Road Song And by the time the circle broke up, They don't have enough sex drive. Can he hash at all, (To: Barney (the dinosaur) Theme, Originally He'd pissed a gallon of pee. Mt. Vernon HHH Road Song.) Or if he moves will he fall? (Continued...) _____ men, they play six, This fine young virgin she was there, Is he drunk or is he dead? Are there any dirty thoughts in his head? Little men with little dicks. ______, With legs all firm and tan, We hashed there, Her shorts rode up her ass so tight, We'll just pass him beer _____ men, they play seven, ______Hash House Harriers! They squeaked whenever she ran. We may even give him a cheer. Masturbation is their heaven. We fucked all the women, buggered all the men, 256 His brain has turned to shit drank all the beer, Hash, Hash, Hash or is he just havin' a fit? _____ men, they play eight, and we'll do it all again! By Smoking Wiener) Where he travelled the trails They can't get their dicks in straight. (To: Dance, Dance, Dance) for the future of all hashin' males! 255 My grandpa, he's ninety five, _____ men, they play nine, Hash Virgin Serenade And he keeps on hashin', he's still alive. Chorus They take theirs up from behind. (To: Ball of Kerrymuir) My grandma, she's ninety two, Nobody wants him She loves to hash and sing lewd too. He just pukes on himself _____ men, they play ten, Four and twenty virgins, I don't know but I've been told, Doing his down-downs Little boys who think they're men. Came out to this old hash, If you keep on hashing you'll never grow old. Till his eyes roll back, and he 'Ralphs'. 259 And when the hash was over, Hasher Women There were four and twenty less. Chorus Now the time is near (To: This Old Man) Come on, daddy', put a red dress on, for Hasher Man to quaff his beer Substitute name of hash in blanks: Chorus We're gonna go out tonight. Vengeance from the Bimbos Singing, balls to your partner, Hash, hash, hash, Kills their appetites, Ho's Ho's Ho's Chorus Arse against the wall. Hash, hash, hash, Knick knack paddy whack give themselves a If ye canna get laid at this old hash, Hash, hash, hash, all night long. (to chorus) tickle, Ye'll never get laid at all. I'm a hard-workin' man, I'm a son of a bitch. _____ women use a pickle. I've been hashin' all week and I’ve got an itch. Heavy buckets of beer This fine young virgin she was there, The whore's in the kitchen and my manhood’s fills his victims full of cheer _____ women, they play one, She had drank a bit too much, in the barn. Wankin' as fast as he can They don't know how to get it on. Showing us her titties, I'm all cleaned up and my whores are all done. Hasher Man lives again! But sayin' we couldna touch. Gimme your hand and make me come, _____ women, they play two, Then let's go out and get us some. 258 They say, "Not now, I've got the flu." This cocky virgin he was there, Hasher Men Drinking Old Milwaukee's Best, Chorus (To: This Old Man) _____ women, they play three, Showing the girls his tiny dick, Hash, hash, hash, Substitute name of Hash in blanks. They say, "Not now, I've got to pee." The girls they weren't impressed. Hash, hash, hash, Hash, hash, hash, all night long. Chorus _____ women, they play four, This other virgin she was there, Knick knack paddy whack give themselves a They say, "Not now, who's at the door?" Talkin' 'bout givin' head, Come on, hasher', don't look that way. bone, But when it came to swallowin', Don't you know when you smile I've got to say. _____ men have sex alone. _____ women, they play five, She would spit instead. You're my honey pumping lover, you're my They'll cut your balls off with a knife. heart's delight. _____ men, they play one, _____ women, they play six, He's got the left foot his hands. In the fucking mess I'd made, They're never satisfied with our pricks. 261 But in heeding daddy's warning, He's A Cunt He's got the right foot in his hands, That mum would find it in the morning, _____ women, they play seven, He's got the whole right foot in his hands, So I rolled out of bed and wiped it up with my Life without sex is their idea of heaven. All mouth, no brains, this guy's a pain, He's got the right foot in his hands, shirt, You can scream and cuss, He's got the right foot in his hands. God, what a squirt! Jerking off in silence. _____ women, they play eight, He stuck his boot up your dog's arse, They always seem to have a headache. And licked your daughter's puss, (Continues with various body parts, use your He nicked your fags, drank your booze, imagination.) _____ women, they play nine, Tied fireworks to the cat, He's got the... Their sex lives are in decline. Then he told the dole you were working, Who is this fuckin' twat? Left thigh in his hands.

_____ women, they play ten, (Optionally licks thigh as model permits) If they were better looking they might get some Chorus Right thigh in his hands. men. He's a cunt, he's a cunt, Left cheek in his hand. He's a C-U-N-T cunt, (grabs behind model for ass cheek 260 With his broken teeth and his ugly face, With left hand and grinds) He'll be Coming Round the Yamanote Line He's a mental riddle that's out of place, Right cheek in his hand. (By Sudsuckin' Bigfoot. To: She'll be Coming He'll sleep with your granny, bite her fanny, (grabs with both hands and grinds, Round the Mountain) Wears his trousers back to front, Continues to hold cheeks and grind And he farts, sucks cock, with next lines.) Note: the Yamanote Line is a major train line And he's riddled with pox, Left tit in his mouth. that circles Tokyo. A few 'Cause basically he's a cunt. Right tit in his mouth. vocab notes: "gaijin" is a foreigner, "manga" Whole bitch in his hands. means comic book, "iku" He dyes his hair to match his clothes, literally means "to go" or "I'm cumming!", He smells like shit, he'd fill your nose, 263 "chikan" is a pervert who feels With a small tattoo to prove he's tough, Hello Penis people up on the train, Silver Seats are the seats And an earring 'cause he's a fuckin poof, (To: The Sounds of Silence) reserved for elderly & You've never heard of this human turd, disabled. He'd be a pig if he could grunt, Hello penis my old friend, And what's more he talks bullshit, I've come to play with you again, He'll be cumming round the Yamanote Line, 'Cause basically he's a cunt. When those wet dreams come a-creeping, He'll be cumming round the Yamanote Line, I spurt my seeds while I am sleeping, He'll be cumming round the Yamanote, He's got spots and warts and blackheads too, And with your helmet firmly planted in my Cumming round the Yamanote, He doesn't know a joke unless it's blue, hand, Cumming round the Yamanote Line. The vicar's daughter swears and cries, It will expand, while jerking off in silence. He fucked her with a pack of lies, (other verses) You say you've never heard of this man, In horny dreams I get a bone, Well you don't have to hunt, I beat off on cobble stones, 'Cause it's me, it's me you bastards, Beneath the halo of a street lamp, He'll be making platform pizza when he comes. 'Cause basically I'm a cunt. He'll be saying "iku iku" when he comes. I see a whore who's getting very damp, And for some money in a flash she's on her He'll be grabbing gaijin butt cheek when he 262 comes. back, He's Got the Whole Bitch In His Hands She spreads her crack, and twitches her twat in He'll be reading porno manga when he comes. (To: He's Got the Whole World in His Hands) He'll be hearing "chikan chikan" when he silence. Works better if you have a very accomodating comes. female to play model, particularly a girlfriend He'll be practising his golf swing when he Those who see and do not know, or spouse of "He". This can be a very seductive How to make my penis grow, comes. display with the right model and demonstrator. He'll be passed out on the last train when he I whipped you out so she might eat you, Pack should clap to song. I stuffed you up into her pussy spew, comes. He'll be picking his nose & eating it when he And then my sperm, like silent raindrops fell, He's got the left foot in his hands, comes. And turned to gel, while jerking off in silence. (toe sucking appropriate here) He'll be sitting in the Silver Seats when he He's got the whole left fo-ot in his hands, comes. And the ants came out and played, He's got the left foot in his hands, 264 268 Herpes Family I know there's something wrong, We'll be urgin' Hot Vagina (To: Addams Family) 'Cause there's blisters on my knob, Many a virgin. (To: Yellow Rose of Texas) And the skin's peeling off my dong, They're goofy and they're itchy, And erections make it throb, From 10 'til 8, Hot vagina for your breakfast, They make your girlfriend bitchy, We'll fornicate. Hot vagina for your lunch, They hide out in her snitchy, I'm going to see the quack, Hot vagina for your dinner, The Herpes Family! 'Cause I cannot stand the pain, From 9 'til 10, Just munch, munch, munch, munch, munch. I stuffed it up her crack, The girls will sin. It's so speedy and nutritious, Chorus But I won't do that again, We'll screw a while, Bite-size and ready to eat, Da da da da (snap fingers twice), In the doggie style. So take a tip, go eat your mom; Da da da da (snap fingers twice), When the doctor took his knife, Hot vagina can't be beat.

Da da da da, Da da da da, Da da da da, (snap I went deeply into sho-o-ock, While they show puppies, fingers twice). What will I tell my wife, We'll fuck some Yuppies. 269 He's going to cut it off. How Ashamed I Was

You can hardly see 'em, We'll spew our sperm, But when you start a-pee'n, 266 At the paciderm. I met her on the hash, how ashamed I was, They really get ya screamin', Hi Ho! Hi Ho! It's Off to the Burlesque Show I met her on the hash, how ashamed I was, I met her on the hash, The Herpes Family! (To: Hi Ho, Hi Ho) 267 I thought I'd try a bash, Hog Calling Time In Nebraska O' gor blimey how ashamed I was! If a scab you ta-aste, Chorus Best done with animal noises and gestures.

It's already to la-ate, Hi ho! Hi ho! I touched her on the knee - What a shitty da-ate, It's off to the burlesque show, When it's hog calling time in Nebraska, She said "you're fairly free." The Herpes Family. When it's hog calling time in Nebraska, I touched her on the thigh -She said "you're We'll sit up front, When it's hog calling time in Nebraska, rather high." You really wouldn't miss it, To see their cunts. Then it's hog calling time in Nebraska. I touched her on the spot - If you didn't kiss it, Hi ho! Hi ho! Just put it in and piss it, She said "I'd rather not." (Alternate verses) When I put it in - The Herpes Family. At half past eight, When it's sheep fucking time in Australia... We'll masturbate. She said "you're rather thin." (Continue as above) Then when I did come - We'll sit up front, To see their cunts. She said "you're up my bum." When it's cow punching time in Texas... So then I took it out - Hi ho! Hi ho! When it's pig squeeling time in Georgia... 265 She said "no need to pout." When it's shit packin' time in San Francisco... So I tried to put it back - Herpes Song We're small on wits, When it's hare hoppin' time in the Hash House... But my prick had gone quite slack. (To: She Loves You) But big on tits. Then she took me in her hand - At half past eight, And she made my roger stand. I think I've got a dose, We'll masturbate. Then she climbed up on top - And it's not the dripping kind, We'll sit up front, I tried to make her stop. It's the one that hurts the most, To see their cunts. She rode me like a horse - And it makes you fucking blind. Hi ho! Hi ho! I came again, of course.

But still she wanted more - Chorus We'll drop our drawers I think it's herpes and you know that can be bad, She must have been a whore. And fuck some whores... And then my tool grew thinner - Yeah that herpes, it can make you fucking mad (Keep adding as above) Ohoooh, I couldn't keep it in her. The she called me a nasty name - I hate it yeah, yeah, yeah, We'll get a horn, I hate it yeah, yeah, yeah, "You bloody hashers are all the Eating popcorn. same." With a dose like that it's very, very sad.

I paid my buck, I think I've got a dose, 270 Now where's my fuck. How To Handle A Date And I got it yesterday, (To: Que Sera, Sera) I came so very close, With back stage pass, Duet of harrier and harriet as below: To giving it to the maid. We'll see some ass. Harrier: Harriette: Ever since I met your Venus, I like to be pissed. Take her hand, her hand, her hand, Wasn't it quick, so quick, so quick, I've had trouble with my penis, It's time to stand, to stand, Just like a prick, a prick, Wish I'd never seen your little town. Yes, there were times, You're the king of the land, To give me a stick, I'm sure you knew, So take her hand. That's just too quick. Was it you who did the pushin', When I drank, more than I should do. Put the stains upon the cushion, But thru it all, even be-ing sick, Harriette: 271 Footprints on the dashboard upside down? I drank it all and spit it out, He's squeezing my hand, my hand, my hand, Humoresque Was it your sly woodpecker, I faced the toilet, I wish he'd take a stand, a stand, (To: Humoresque) That got into my girl Rebecca? And I stood tall This wimp of the land, If it was, you better leave this town. And regretted be-ing pissed. Quit squeezing my hand. I love to go out after dark, And goose the statues in the park, It was I who did the pushin', I laughed, but then I cried, Harrier: A lovely pastime at the close of day! Put the stains upon the cushion, Because there isn't any beer left, Fondle her breast, her breast, her breast, Unperturbed they stand so still, Footprints on the dashboard upside down. And now, I realize, You know they're the best, the best, While whoops! it's me that gets the thrill. But since I got into your daughter, I didn't find it so amusing. They've passed all the tests, It really is a lovely way to play. I've had trouble passing water, To think, I drank all that, So fondle her breasts. Now I guess we're even all around. And may I say, "Not in a shy way" I've noticed lately, Oh no, oh not me, Harriette: They stand so stately, I want to be pissed. He's fondling my breast, my breast, my breast, Out there in the dark when dew is on the I know they're the best, the best, ground. For what is a hasher, They can pass any test, I sometimes tease them, 272 Without a beer, So fondle my breast. And do displease them, Hymn for the Aged Cock If there is none, If I fail to show up as the sun goes down. (To: Rock of Ages) Then he stays sober, Harrier: He'll say the things he truly feels, Finger her twat, her twat, her twat, The Thinker is the only one, Cock so aged, rise for me. And not the slime, just to get laid, Now you've hit the spot, the spot, With whom I can have no fun. Let me have some sex with thee. The harriettes know and make sure, It gets her real hot, He sits upon a boulder, rough and coarse. Let the wa-ter and the blood, A harrier stays pissed. When you finger her twat. Napoleon sits upon his steed, Bring you strength, Oh migh-ty pud. I cannot goose him, no indeed, Be of sin the double cure, Harriette: And so instead I goose his horse. Make me cum and more cocksure. He's poking my twat, my twat, my twat, I bet he thinks he's hit the spot, the spot, Passengers will please refrain, That makes me real hot, From flushing toilets while the train, Oh, quit poking my twat. Is standing in the station, I love you. We encourage constipation,

Harrier: While the train is in the station, Moonlight always makes me think of you. 273 So lay that pipe, that pipe, that pipe, I Didn't Get Pissed.

We know she's the type, the type, (To: My Way) She thinks she's real tight, If you simply have to go, And now, the beer is near, So lay that pipe. When other people are too slow, And so I'll face the golden fluid. There is only one thing you can do. My friend, I'll say it clear, Harriette: You'll just have to take a chance, Without the beer, I wouldn't be here. But what a small cock, small cock, small cock, Be brave and do it in your pants, I've tried low alcohol beer, He thinks it's a lot, a lot, But I'll forgive you, darling, I love you. But then I've been on every highway, Is that all he's got? But more, much more than this, Oh, what a small cock. Mabel, Mabel, strong and able, I didn't get pissed. Get your big ass off the table, Regrets, I've had so many, Harrier: Don't you know the quarter is for beer? So then again, back to the real booze, Roll over and sleep, and sleep, and sleep, You can always earn your pay, I'll do what hashers do, I gave her the meat, the meat, But make your tips another way, And carry this load on my shoulders. It wasn't too deep, And I'll forgive you, darling, I love you. I'll drink each brand of beer, But I got it real cheap. Ever since you met our Nelly, Until it makes me feel quite queer, She's had trouble with her belly, But more, much more than this, Wish you'd never seen our little town! 274 Chorus Monday I touched her on the ankle. And so I face the final check back. I Don't Want To Sober Up Call out the all of the Queen's old maids, Tuesday I touched her on the knee. My friends, I'll say it clear. (By Scratch 'n Sniff and Pussy Whipped. To: Call out the King's mistress three, On Wednesday night Hooray! I pulled dress I'll state my case, of which I'm certain. Toys R Us Jingle. This song was written at the Call out my mother, my sister and my lover, away. I've lived a life, a life that's full; virginia interhash 1998.) But for God's sake don't call me. Thursday night I felt that I, was really getting I've hashed each and every highway, high. And more, much more than this, I don't wanna sober up, Monday I got myself deflowered, Friday I got me hand upon it. I hashed it my way. I only have half a mind. Tuesday I moved into his house, Saturday gave it just a little a tweak. If the hares laid a short trail, On Wednesday I declared, you Hashers aren't so Sunday after dinner, I finally got it in 'er BJ's, I've had a few, That would be kind. bad, And now I'm paying thirty bob a week. But then again, too few to mention. Thursday a climax! Oh, gor blimey, I did what I had to do, From dicks to tits and swollen clits, Friday he told me he was leaving, 278 And saw it through without extension. It's the biggest debauchery there is. Saturday he flew to Singapore, I Don't Want to Join the Navy I planned each charted trail, And Sunday starts the party, (To: I Don't Want to Join the Army) Each careful mark along the trailway, I don't wanna quit drinking, To celebrate his parting, And more, much more than this, Cuz if i do, And now I've got eight weeks to fuck around, I don't want to join the navy, I hashed it my way. I wouldn't have slept with you. gor blimey. I don't want to be a man of war, I would rather go down to old Soho, Yes, there were times, I don't want to raise a family, Living off the earnings of a high class whore, I'm sure you knew, when I bit off more, 275 I'm not cut out for nine to five, I don't want a bullet up me backside. Than I could chew, I Don't Want to Be a Housewife I'd rather hang around my Phuket playing I don't want me knickers shot away. But through it all, (To: I Don't Want to Join the Army) ground, I'd rather be in England, jolly-jolly England, When there was doubt, Living off the earnings of an off-shore expat, And fornicate me bloomin life away. I ate it up and spit it out. I don't care if I don't go to heaven, I faced it all, and I stood tall, I don't want to be a housewife, I don't want to go there all alone, Chorus And hashed it my way. I'd much rather be a whore, I'd rather stay in Phuket, lovely, lovely Phuket, I'd rather turn some tricks, Call out the members of the Queen's marines, And fornicate my fuckin' life away, gor blimey. Call out the King's artillery, I've loved. I've laughed and cried. Involving foot long pricks, Housework is a bore, gor blimey. Call out my mother, my sister and my brother, I've had my fill, my share of losing, I don't want to do his laundry, 277 But for God's sake don't call me. And now as tears subside, I don't want to cook his fucking food, I Don't Want to Join the Army I find it all so amusing, And if I'm getting laid, I don't want to join the Navy, To think, and may I say, I should be getting paid, I don't want to join the army, I don't want to be a man of Mars, Not in a shy way, Or else I must be truly getting screwed, gor I don't want to go to war, I just want to hang around the Picadilly Under- Oh no, oh no not me. blimey. I'd rather hang around Picadilly Underground, ground, I hashed it my way. Living off the earnings of a high born lady. Pinching all the girlies on their arses, 276 I don't need no Foggy women, I don't want no foreign women, For what is a Hasher, what has he got? I Don't Want to Join a Convent London's full of girls I never 'ad. London's got a lot I've never had, If not his whistle, (To: I Don't Want to Join the Army) I want to stay in Blighty, Lord Gawd Almighty, I'd rather stay in England, jolly-jolly, England, Then he has naught. Following in the footsteps of me Dad. And follow the fly-prints of my Dad. To hash the trail he truly feels, And not the marks of one who kneels. I don't want to join a convent, The record shows, Purity is really quite a bore, Chorus Sunday night my hand was on her ankle, I took the blows, I'd rather hang around my Phuket playing Call up the buggers, Monday night my hand was on her knee, And HASHED IT MY WAY! ground, In the Royal Marines. Tuesday night, success! I lifted up her dress, Living off the earnings of an off-shore expat, Call up the Queen's Artillery. Wednesday night I lifted up her lace chemise, I don't want to waste my life a virgin,I don't Call up me brother, Thursday night I got my hand upon it, want to count my rosary, Me sister and me mother,But for Gawd's sake Friday night I gave it just a tweak, I'd rather stay in Phuket, lovely, lovely Phuket, don't call me. Saturday after supper, And fornicate my fuckin' life away, gor blimey. I finally got ir up her, Continued... And I'm not paying seven bob a week. Gor Bli- mey. 279 I Hashed It My Way (By Smoking Wiener, To: I Did It My Way)

And now, the end is here, 280 Mike: They say football on skis is really dumb, And sometimes we may chug, Give me that lanolin, I Like Cock Before we know it we'll both be very numb. We drink at the Down-Down circle, Better than flannel-in. (To: Three Blind Mice. For harriettes.) Sonny: I guess that's so, the wind's in our hair, Where the atmosphere is great, I need a sheep to keep me warm through the You did the sitter, but baby I did Cher. I love to have a beer with Booger, night! I like cock, Sonny: Tree Because Booger's me mate. I like cock, Both: I hit you, tree. I hit you, tree. 286 See how they rise, Sonny: I got flowers on my grave. It was stupid. Aha ahe aho, bummpy bump bump. . .ahe aho I Put My Hand See how they rise, We seemed brave. (To: When Johnny Comes Marching Home) They fit so nicely and feel so grand, Mike: And we weren' t drunk, just acting like I love to have a beer with Zippy, They come in all sizes, all shapes and brands, clowns. We didn't see the tree, but we sure I love to have a beer with Zip, I put my hand upon her toe There's nothing finer than making them stand, found the ground. We drink in moderation, Ya Ho! Ya Ho! Ya Ho! Ya Ho! 'Cause I like cock, Mike: Don't let them say that we can't ski, We As hares we give 'em the slip, I put my hand upon her toe, I like cock. were doin' pretty good 'til we hit that goddamn We drink at the Down-Down circle, Ya Ho! Ya Ho! Ya Ho! Ya Ho! tree. Where the atmosphere is great, I put my hand upon her toe, 281 Sonny: So I put my little hand on the branch, I love to have a beer with Zippy, She said, "Hey Hasher, you're way too low!" I Like Cunt Thought I' d break my fall, but wound up buy- Because Zippy's me mate. (To: Three Blind Mice, for Harriers.) ing the ranch. Aha ahe aho, bummpy bump bump. . .ahe aho Chorus Sonny: Tree Get in, get out, quit fuckin' about!" I like cunt, Both: I hit you, tree. I hit you, tree. I love to have a beer with Cold Cuts, Ya Ho! Ya Ho! Ya Ho! I like cunt, Sonny: I had Cher to hold my hand. I love to have a beer with CC, Up against railings I've often stood, Mike: She had you then found a real man. We drink in moderation, I put my hand upon her knee, Fucking young ladies and doing them good, Sonny: I had Newt to think with me. But I often have to pee. Ya Ho! Ya Ho! Ya Ho! Ya Ho! It's so much better than pulling your pud, Mike: I had Ted to drink with me. We drink at the Down-Down circle, I put my hand upon her knee, 'Cause I like cunt, Sonny: I went and kissed that tree goodnight. Where the atmosphere is great, Ya Ho! Ya Ho! Ya Ho! Ya Ho! I like cunt. Mike: Split my skull from left to right. I love to have a beer with Cold Cuts, I put my hand upon her knee, Sonny: I hit the tree, I can't let go. Because Cold Cuts' me mate. She said, "Hey Hasher, you're teasin' me!" Mike: My blood is dripping on the snow. 282 Both: I hit you, tree. I hit you, tree. I hit you, I Love My Wife tree. I hit you, tree. Aha ahe aho, bummpy bump bump. . .ahe aho I put my hand upon her thigh...

And On & On, make up your own. . . She said, "Hey Hasher, you're way too shy!" I love my wife, yes I do, yes I do, I love her truly, 284 285 I put my hand upon her tit... I love the hole that she pisses through, I Love to Have a Beer I Need A Sheep She said, "Hey Hasher, you're squeezin' it!" (By Hazukashi, To: Slim Dusty Tune) (To: Scotland the Brave) I love her lily white tits and her ruby red lips, I put my hand upon her chin... And her little brown asshole, From the composer of the lyrics, "I have finally Bring me some whiskey, mother, She said, "Hey Hasher, stick it in!" I'd eat her shit, gobble-gobble, chomp-chomp, tracked down the words to a Slim Dusty song I'm feeling frisky, mother. With a rusty spoon (with a rusty spoon). out of Australia. It can be a lot of fun for anyone I need a sheep to keep me warm through the I put my hand upon her breast... into singing around the circle. The tune is night! She said, "Hey Hasher, I want the rest!" 283 unique, but you can make up your own verses. I need a lover, mother, I Hit You Tree No, not my brother, mother. I put my hand upon her twat... (To: I Got You, Babe) I love to have a beer with Sky Queen, I need a sheep to keep me warm through the She said, "Hey Hasher, you've hit the spot."

I love to have a beer with Queen, night! Good for cabaret where one hasher introduces We drink in moderation, Gerbils don't make it, mother, himself as Michael Kennedy and the other as (Slower and with reverence - hats off!) God knows what its doin' to my spleen, They just can't take it, mother. Sonny Bono, then begin to sing. Now she lies in a wooden box... We drink at the Down-Down circle, I need a sheep to keep me warm through the From sucking too many Hasher's cocks. Where the atmosphere is great, night! Michael: "They say that we can't go down the I love to have a beer with Sky Queen, Owls, bats and other critters, hill, Before we go we really should write a Just tend to give me jitters. We dig her up now and then... Because Sky Queen's me mate. We fucked her once, we'll fuck her again. will". I need a sheep to keep me warm through the Sonny: "Well I don't know if all that's true, night! Aha ahe aho, bummpy bump bump. . .ahe aho 287 Watch out for that bush, 'cause I think it really I Put My Lips grew." Sheep never talk about it, (To: Johnny Comes Marching Home) Sonny: "Tree." I love to have a beer with Flying Booger, They never ever doubt it. Both: "I hit you, tree. I hit you, tree." I love to have a beer with Boog, Always so placid, affectionate and nice! We drink in moderation, I wrapped my lips around his toe, Ya Ho! Ya Ho! Ya Ho! Ya Ho! 288 290 gan to tear, I wrapped my lips around his toe, I Wish I Were an Oscar Meyer Weiner I'll Never Piss Again God, this really sucks. Ya Ho! Ya Ho! Ya Ho! Ya Ho! (To: I Wish I Were an Oscar Meyer Weiner) (To: Battle Hymn of the Republic) I wrapped my lips around his toe, I said shut up I'm starting low. Oh, I Wish I Were an Oscar Meyer Weiner, My dick has felt the burning of the coming of That is what I'd really like to be-e-ee, the clap, Chorus 'Cause if I were an Oscar Meyer Weiner, I've been clean all these years and now I've got a 291 Suck there, blow here, let go of my ear, You'd like a weiner plug your cunt with me! real bum rap, I'll Take the Left Leg Ya Ho! Ya Ho! Ya Ho! That bitch said she was clean but she really was (To: Loch Lomond) Oh, I Wish I Were an Oscar Meyer Weiner, a liar, I wrapped my lips around his nose, That is what I'd really like to be-e-ee, 'Cause now my dick's on fire. Chorus Ya Ho! Ya Ho! Ya Ho! Ya Ho! 'Cause like you use an Oscar Meyer Weiner, Oh, I'll take the left leg, and you take the right I wrapped my lips around his nose, There'd be really nothing left of me. Chorus leg, Ya Ho! Ya Ho! Ya Ho! Ya Ho! Lordy, Lordy I'm on fire, It's my turn to give her the caber. I wrapped my lips around his nose, 289 Lordy, Lordy I'm on fire, 'Cos me and my true love have never been the Better move on he's starting to doze. I'll Never Leave Camp Again Lordy, Lordy I'm on fire, same, (By Babe Thruster, To: I'll Never Fall In Love And I'll never piss again. Since I shared her with the next door neighbor. I put my head between his thighs... Again)

That's when he started rolling his eyes. I saw her coming at me from across the Georgia When the Lord and his band were shaping up What do you get when you follow trail? bar, this land, I slipped my tongue between his cheeks... An idiot hare that gets you lost, Her ass was swinging wildly and her tits were They found that they had left over, I'd love to stay but this really reeks. In a sweltering sun or freezing frost, sagging far. A pike of useless crap on the left side of the I'll never leave the camp again. I propped her on a barstool and I bought that map, I put his dick right in my mouth... I'll never leave the camp again. bitch a drink, That they'd hacked out of the White Cliffs of Mm, Mm, Mm, Mm, Mm, Mm, Mm, Mm. Then I smelled that telltale stink. Dover. What do you get when you follow trail? I wrapped my hand around his cock... Rocks and roots that make you fall, Swedish Bees, Kamikazes, Stolies, and some Angel Gabriel scratched his head and asked the Then laid it out on the chopping block. Mosquitoes and chiggers that bite your balls, brew, Lord instead, I'll never leave the camp again. My dick was getting hard, Man, the big old "What can we do call a land so mean, Sire?" Wally grew. (Slower and with reverence - hats off!) Oh don't you know, "Och, Gabe, call it what ye will, maybe Largs or She reached into my pants and she pulled that Now he lies in a wooden box... I'll never leave the camp again. Motherwell, monster out, But his prick's on the wall with the other cocks. No, on second thoughts we'll call it Aberdeen- I asked Zippy what it's all about, Then John Cleveland began to shout. shire." 'Cause as a hasher I still had some doubt, Well I should have listened to him 'cause he'd Aren't the hashes the reason we're here? Now there was me and Auntie Annie, He said forget the run, just drink the beer. been with her before, That must have been where he got that bloody Cousin Jock and dear old Granny, And we'd all had a roll in the heather. What do you get when you follow trail? festered sore. I should have listened to him when he said she 'Cos we come from Braemar, and we'll not for- You sweat a lot and loose you're buzz, get that our, But I'll be cool and crocked because, was a whore, But you knows "Bo needs more". Family motto is, "We're all queers together." I'll never leave the camp again. No, no, I'll never leave the camp again. So I took her on a hash run and that bitch ran Now the old goat died, around Eastertide, So jock rammed the bloody coal scuttle up her. When the hare's away, fast and hot, You could almost see the nasty stuff a-dripping He threw her on to boil, then he topped her off Just where will I find you, with soil, That is why I'm here to remind you. out her slot, And at the On-In, she told me she really wanted And served her up as haggis supper. What do you get when you follow trail? Enough aggravation to drive you crazy, to fuck, But I should have just let her suck. When a visiting rugby team took a whore from I'll just hang with the F.B.A.C. Aberdeen, I'll never leave the camp again. Now I'm in the doctor's office sitting in the To agree on a price took an eternity.But she Don't you know that, took them without a fuss and had triplets on the I'll never leave the camp again. chair, Nothing like a red hot poker way down deep in bus, I'll never leave the camp again. And sued them for collective paternity. there. The doctor pushed too far and my scrotum be- Now wee Ronnie teaches pipes to girls of all He just became the grandchild 294 I came, she came, then we came together, types, For he was my daughter's son. I've Got a Start on a Twelve-Inch Hard On And our juices flowed till we were soaking wet. His methods are revelation. My wife is now my father's mother, (To: I'm Looking Over a Four Leaf Clover) Made our way back finally to the circle, Just cut your bloody banter, get your mouth And it makes me blue. Watching smiling faces turning green. round my chanter, Although she is my wife, I've got a start on a twelve-inch hard on, Could it be that they were only jealous, And I'll complete your education. She is my grandmother too. That I've had all af-ter-noon. Or could it be they knew she wasn't clean? Now if my wife is my grandmother, Went to the doctor, he told me to cough. Now in Burn's magic prose, a Scottish girl is I am her grandchild. I wish that he would, have whacked it right off! Drove her home that night, she lived in An- like a rose. And every time I think of it, Come to me, Venus, mas-sage my penis, col,Arranged that this should be a regular thing. My lass was more like Ben Nevis when I found It really drives me wild. And shrivel it like a prune, But then one week later at the On-On, her. Now I have become the strangest 'Cause I've got a start on a twelve-inch hard on, I took a piss and felt that tell-tale sting. Her southern slopes were gray, half the nation Case you ever saw. That I'll probably have till June, till June, Now Dr. Budi has a Monday practice, knew the way, I am the husband of my own grandmother. That I'll probably have till June. He's got a special clinic on the Hash. And the Hash had run up and down her. 295 So that we all can have our weekly check-ups, 293 I've Got the Clap Again And find out just what caused that nasty rash. 292 I'm Your Mailman (To: Those Were the Days) I'm My Own Grandpa (To: Bye Bye, Blackbird) Once upon a time I was a Hasher, 296 (To: I'm My Own Grandpa) Used to down an Anker Bir or two, I've Only Half a Brain Make me happy, make me gay, Remember how I laughed away the hours, (To: If I Only Had a Brain,from the Wizard of Chorus I can come, twice a day, Dreaming of the whores that I would screw. Oz) I'm my own grandpa, I'm your mail-man. Every Monday evening I'd go Hashing, I could wile away the hours, I'm my own grandpa, Lift the knocker, ring the bell, Sometimes I'd short cut along the way, Searchin' hills for flour, It sounds funny I know, I can make you, feel real swell, But I'd always stay late at the On-On, Across a wide terrain. But it's really so, I'm your mail-man. Where you'd often hear a Hasher say: I'm my own grandpa. I can come in any kind of weath-er, I'd be chipper, and I'd be cheerful, Don't you know my bags are made of leath-er? Chorus If my stomach had a beerful, Many years ago, I don't mess with keys or locks, I've got the clap again, 'Cause I've only half a brain. When I was twenty three, I'll just slip it in the box, I really should refrain, I was married to a widow, Mail-man, bye bye. K-25, the Club, and Tanamour. With my arms and legs akimbo, Who was pretty as can be. I've got the pills to use, I'll be chasing after bimbos, This widow had a grownup daughter, I must lay off the booze, Through mud, thorns, and rain. Who had hair of red. I've got the clap, oh yes, I've got the clap. My father fell in love with her, I'll be making lots of passes, And soon the two were wed. One night to the Hash there came a beauty, As I fondle all their asses, A thing that's quite unusual to do. 'Cause I've only half a brain. This made my father my son-in-law, But something made me think this girl was dif- Which changed my very life, ferent, Chorus My daughter was my mother, It must have been the tattoos on her boobs. I'll do down-downs till the keg begins to spit, For she was my father's wide. She wore hot pants and see-through T-shirt, Then I'll fire one up and take a little hit, And to complicate the matter, Sipped her beer through rosy choo-choo lips. I'll impress the women with my charming wit, Even though it brought me joy, All the men began to get excited, As I shout out, "Show us your tits!" I soon became the father of, At the sight of that young lady's swollen tits.

A bouncing baby boy. Then my beer I will be sharing, Five o'clock Hashmaster got his horn out, With them as their breast they're baring, This little baby then Everybody else put theirs away. Our urges unrestrained Became the brother of my dad. Then I got myself into position, Oh, our language will be rude as, So became my uncle Where I could see her lovely buttocks sway. We exchange bod-i-ly fluids, Though it made me sad. She short-cut and I short-cut behind her, 'Cause we've only half a brain. By then he was my uncle Wondering if tonight I'd be in luck. And he also was the brother Heard her calling "On-On" from the bushes, 297 Of the grownup daughter And I knew right then that we were going to If I Had a Hard On Who of course was my step mother. fuck._ (To: If I Had a Hammer)

My father's wife then had a son, This girl showed me that she was no novice, Chorus Who kept them on the run. Her repertoire of tricks sure made me sweat. Oeh-oeh-oeh-oeh, 298 Puts his lips around that header, 301 Oeh-oeh-oeh-oeh, If I Were the Marrying Kind Inbred, he's an inbred. Incest is Best Oeh-oeh-oeh. (To: Tie Me Kangaroo Down) Chorus Inbred Man went down to the creek, If I had a hard-on, If I were the marrying kind, Inbred, inbred. Chorus A hard-on in the morning, Which thank the Lord I'm not sir, Jacking on his big old dick, Incest is best boys, A hard-on in the evening, The kind of man that I would wed, Inbred, inbred. Incest is best (Fuck a relative!) An all-night stand. Would be a- Saw a girl, she look so neat, Incest is best boys, I'd screw without danger; Rugby full-back. GOD DAMN, she's got feet! Incest is best, I'd screw without a warning; And he'd find touch, and I'd find touch, Inbred, he's an inbred. I'd screw you and you, We'd both find touch together, Give a piece to your niece boys, Your mother and your sister, We'd be all right in the middle of the night, Inbred Man had a dog named Rover, Give a piece to your niece. Aa-all, all night long. Finding touch together. Inbred, inbred. Give a piece to your niece boys, (Gesture: Hold dick as if in pain) Inbred yelled, "Well, come on over", Give a piece to your niece. Wing three-quarter. Inbred, inbred. All together now... But I don't have a hard-on, And he'd go hard, and I'd go hard, Inbred came and so did Rover, No hard-on in the morning, We'd both go hard together, That's more luck than a four-leaf clover, Put your knob in Uncle Bob boys, No hard-on in the evening, We'd be all right in the middle of the night, Inbred, he's an inbred. Put your knob in Uncle Bob. No hard-on at all. Going hard together. Put your knob in Uncle Bob boys, So there is no danger, Inbred Man, he's got this punk, Put your knob in Uncle Bob. You don't need a warning, (Substitute the positions and actions for the Inbred, inbred. All together now... I won't screw you and you, above.) Boy, that kid smells like a skunk, Your mother nor your sister, Inbred, inbred. (Additional verses as above) Oh-no, I want to die. Rugby scrum-half -- put it in Took it out and shot it twice, Give a blow to your bro girls... (Gesture: Wipe tears from face) Rugby hooker -- strike hard This song is over, ain't that nice, Shower your sis with some piss boys... Big prop forward -- bind tight Inbred, he's an inbred. My significant other's my brother girls... I bought myself a dildo, Referee -- blow it Shoot some goo on Aunt Sue boys... A dildo for the morning, Hash house harrier -- down down 300 Do the bum of your Mum boys... A dildo for the evening, (At the end of the last verse, everyone downs Incest Time in Texas Give a kiss to your sis boys... To screw around all night. their beer.) (To: Yellow Rose of Texas) Make lovin' to your cousin boys... I screw without danger, I've just had my dad girls... Now I screw without a warning, 299 When it's incest time in Texas, Put your sis in bliss boys... But I won't screw you or you, Inbred Man When there's no cunt to be found, Let's fuck Uncle Buck girls... Your mother nor your sister, (To: Honey, Babe) Your mother's in the bathroom, Rub your palm on your mom boys... Oh-no, I sodomize myself. With her panties halfway down, Hide the salami with your mommy boys... (Gesture: Hold ass as if in pain) Inbred Man, he's our man, Inbred, inbred. No time for masturbation, 302 Don't matter if he's kin or Klan, No time to beat your meat, Incontinence Is The Shits Inbred, inbred. When it's incest time in Texas, (To: Tie Me Kangaroo Down) Cunt or mouth or asshole too, Mother-fucking can't be beat! Fuck you good that's what he'll do, Chorus Inbred, he's an inbred. Incontinence is the shits, mates, Incontinence is the shits (Damn, too late!) Inbred Man had a sister once, Incontinence is the shits, mates, Inbred, inbred. Incontinence is the shits. Fucked that bitch way up her cunt, Inbred, inbred. Soil your pants at the dance, boys, Fucked her good then she died, Soil your pants at the dance, (Incontinence!) Cause his dick was laced with cyanide, That's how they do it in France, boys, Inbred, he's an inbred. Soil your pants at the dance, Inbred Man he looses his truck, All together now... Inbred, inbred. But with his truck he does not fuck, Take a whiz in your sleep, girls Inbred, inbred. Take a whiz in your sleep, (Incontinence!) Under the hood is much better, New sheets are real cheap, girls, Take a whiz in your sleep. Be all a-drip on a ship, mates... Far have I traveled and much have I seen, 305 All together now... Mind the puddle-don't slip, mates... Had blow jobs from Bancis and fucked things It's A Small Dick obscene, (To: It's a Small World) (Other verses, 1st and 3rd lines, use same form Make a piddle while you diddle, boys... Been crippled by herpes and things far more as above.) Let it dribble on her middle, boys... dire, Nice response on those occasions when harri- But if you want a blow job go to Irian Jaya. ettes tire of the constant "Show us your Tits" Piss down your thigh with a sigh, guys... Public diarrhea in the cafeteria, girls... and finally get a reply to "Show us your Dick". What a big mess-oh my, guys... Isn't that your worst fear-ea, girls? Chorus Irian Jaya, It's a hash with trails, Move your bowels on her towels, boys... Make a stink at the skating rink, girls... To be gobbled by natives is what I desire, It's a hash with beer, Never mind all her howls, boys... Leave a stain on the ice, girls... They practice on blowpipes in Irian Jaya. It's a hash that sings, Many songs of cheer. Drop a load on the road, boys... 303 Been rogered in Rio and poked in Peru, But when girls come to call, Squat in the road like a toad, boys... Inside Those Red Plush Breeches Been massaged in Manila and then had a screw, And the hash trousers fall, Been fucked in Llanelli by a Welsh male boys' It's a small dick af-ter all.

Spend a penny in your teddie, girls... John Thomas was a servant tall, choir, What's another soaked nightie, girls? The pride and joy of the servant's hall, But for the height of perversion go to Irian Jaya. Chorus Although he only had one ball, It's a small dick af-ter all, It's a small dick af-ter all, Go wee wee in the laundry, girls... Inside his red plush breeches. Met a girl in the jungle with a bone through her It's a small dick af-ter all, What a great place for a pee, girls... nose, It's a small, small dick. Chorus Cunt like a mantrap and strong I suppose, Bush like a yardbroom that's made out of wire, Wet your panties at Auntie's, girls... And he wore red plush breeches, So be careful of pussy in Irian Jaya. Hashers drink their beer, Another pair of damp scanties, girls... And he wore red plush breeches, And they show their pecks, And he wore red plush breeches that kept John Thomas warm. Oh the skirt she was wearing was made out of And all Hashers lear, Piddle right down your middle, boys... grass, 'Cause they want some sex, In a constant dribble, boys... It only just covered her sweet little ass, But when hashers are bed, Out of all the servant's at the servant's post, Mary was the one he loved the most, I felt an erection getting higher and higher, And are giv-en some head, Crap right in your wrap, girls... And for her his balls would roast, As I followed that lady from Irian Jaya. It's a small dick after all. A cozy place for a crap, girls... Inside those red plush breeches.

She put down her basket, took hold of my tool, 306 Relieve yourself in a crowd, mates... They went for a walk one moonlight night, Pulled back the foreskin and started to drool, It's Only A Hasher Moon Who'll know if you're not loud, mates? The stars were out and the moon was bright, Curled her lips round it, and sir I'm no liar, (To: It's Only a Paper Moon) Make poo poo in your shoe, boys... Things became extremely tight, They still have headhunters in Irian Jaya. Hashers only: Fill that brogan with doo, boys... Inside those red plush breeches. Say, it's only a Hasher moon,

Rising over the lager keg. Smell like piss at the Ritz, girls... They found a stump to sit upon, But it wouldn't be make believe, Give the concierge the fits, girls... If you'd give me some leg. They found a stack to lay upon, Yes it's only an RA priest, Next day Mary sewed buttons on, Helping us to tie the knot. Smellin' like stool ain't too cool, boys... That pair of red plush breeches. But it wouldn't be make believe, Clear the classroom at your school, boys... Mary had an illegit, If you'd give me some twat. It's face looked like a piece of shit, Without your love, Wear a diaper on your bottom, boys... And every time she looked at it, It's a mug without the beer. You won't show if you've got 'em, boys... She cursed those red plush breeches. Without your love,

Stuff TP down your crotch, girls... It's a souvenier from a hasher's rear.It's a lonely Now Mary laid poor John a trap, and boring hash, That way you won't show a blotch, girls... And he fell for it like a sap, I'm as boney as I can be. And now he's got a dose of clap, But it wouldn't be so lonely, Put a catheter up your peter, boys... Inside those red plush breeches. If you'd have sex with me. Don't that peg your Fun Meter, boys? Harriettes Retort: 304 You say it's only a Hasher moon, Wear rubber undies on Sundays, girls... Irian Jaya Rising over the lager keg. What the hell, better wear them on all days! (To: Mull of Kintyre) But I wouldn't have sex with you, If you'd stand up and beg! Yes, it's only an RA priest, She said, "sir, I've never had it," 308 stuck, But he's not here to tie the knot. But she spoke too fucking soon. Ivan Skavinsky Scavar Up Ivan Skavinsky Scavar. He's here to give you a down down beast, You'll never get my twat! Standing on the bridge at midnight, The harems of Egypt are fine to behold, The cream of the joke came when they broke, Without your love, Picking blackheads from her crotch, The harlots the fairest of fair, 'Twas laughed at for years by the Tsar, It's a million kegs of beer. She said, "Sir, I've never had it," But the fairest of all was owned by a sheik, For Abdul the fool has left half of his tool, Without your love, He said, "No, not fucking much." Named Abdul Abulbul Emir. Up Ivan Skavinsky Scavar. It's a million bucks from a financier. See her standing in Picadilly, It's a lonely and boring hash, Offering her aching quim, A traveling brothel came down from the north, 309 I'm as horny as I can be. She is now completely ruined, 'Twas privately run for the Tsar, Jenny Brown But before I'd have sex with you, It was all because of him. Who wagered a hundred no one could out-shag, I'd fuck a chimpanzee. Ivan Skavinsky Scavar. As I was walking by the shore, See him seated in his carriage. (Continued...) I happened there to see, 307 Riding homeward from the hunt, A day was arranged for the spectacle great, A woman's form a-lyin' there, It's the Same the Whole World Over He got riches from his marriage, A holiday proclaimed by the Tsar, As still as still could be. She got sores upon her cunt. And the streets were all lined with the harlots The dress she wore was gingham blue, She was just a poor man's daughter, assigned, Her hair all tumbled down; Victim of the rich man's whim, Standing on the bridge at midnight, To Ivan Skavinsky Scavar. She might have been my own true love, For he fucked her and he left her, Throwing cunt-rags at the moon, My sweetheart Jenny Brown. With a sore and bleeding quim. First a scream, a splash, Oh goodness! All hairs they were shorn, no frenchies were Has she done a fucking swoon? worn, I approached the body with despair, Chorus And this suited Abdul by far, Saw her bruised and battered feet. It's the same the whole world over, When they dragged her from the river, And he'd quite set his mind on a fast action I pulled the seaweed from her hair, It's the poor that get the blame, Water from her clothes they wrung, grind, Where the crabs had begun to eat. It's the rich that get the pleasure, And they thought that she had downed, To beat Ivan Skavinsky Scavar. I had treated her so cruelly, Ain't it all a bloody shame. Till her corpse got up and sung. Never the proper way. Old Abdul came in with a snatch by his side, When I saw her last she cried, Oh, she went up to the city, Then there came a wealthy pimp, His eye bore a leer of desire, And then she ran away. For to hide her bleeding shame, Marriage was the tale he told, And he started to brag how he would out shag, But a Labour leader (the landlord) up and She had no one else to take her, Ivan Scavinski Scavar. I waffed the flies and bugs, fucked her, So she sold her soul for gold. Away from her swollen and bloated chest. Put her on the street again. They met on the track with cocks at the slack, I breathed in very deeply, See him in the House of Commons, A starter's gun punctured the air, And then I held my breath. Passing laws to combat crime, They were both quick to rise; the crowd gaped I thought that I could keep it down, While the victim of his evil, at the size, But oh was I so wrong. Walks the streets at night in shame. Of Abdul Abulbul Emir. I'm sorry but I barfed upon, My sweetheart, Jenny Brown. See him with his hounds and horses, They worked all the night in the pale yellow See him strutting at his club, light, A sense of quiet came over the beach, While the victim of his whoring, Old Abdul he revved like a car, Her death was painless and fast, Drinks her gin inside a pub. But he couldn't compete with the slow steady It seems that I had lost her now; beat, My true love was gone at last. See him riding in his carriage, Of Ivan Skavinsky Scavar. Then, "Aha," she jumped up and said, Past the gutter where she stands, "I'll bet you thought I'd drowned." He has made a stylish marriage, So Ivan he won and he shouldered his gun, What a wrotten sense of humor, While she wrings her ringless hands. He bent down to polish the pair, Has my sweetheart Jenny Brown. When something red hot up his back passage 310 See him at the fine theater, shot, Jesus Saves Hashers In the font row with the best, 'Twas Abdul Abulbul Emir. (By Smoking Wiener, To: Jesus Saves Stray Dog While the girl that he has ruined, put together a hash which finished at a rugby tournament. Rudgers and hashers in one place Entertains a sordid guest. The harlots turned green; the crowd shouted can make for a lot of drinking and a lot of sing- "Queen!" ing. This is one song passed to the hashers from See her on the bridge at midnight, They were ordered apart by the Tsar. the rudgers and later modified by Smoking Wie- Throwing snowballs at the moon, 'Twas bloody bad luck for poor Abdul was ner. Apologies from the lyricist to those reli- gious types it may offend, it is meant only in 311 313 314 jest. Good to pass this one around the circle, John Brown's Penis Jonestown Just a Gigolo then if someone screws up a verse, the pack can (To: Battle Hymn of the Republic) (To: Downtown) (To: Just a Gigolo) shout, "Hasher Redeem thyself, or Ream thy- self." and the offender does a down down.) John Brown's penis was a bloody awful sight, When you are broke and your religion's a joke, Chorus Mucked about with gonorrhea and buggered up You can always go to - Jonestown. Just a Gigolo, Jesus can't go hashing, with shite, When life's incomplete there's only one man to Everywhere I go, 'Cause the beer leaks out his side. The agonies of syphilis kept him awake all meet, People know the part I'm playing. Jesus can't go hashing, night, So won't you come and see - Jim Jones. Paid for every dance, 'Cause the beer leaks out his side. But he still went rogering along. Watch him as he stirs the vat of koolaid that's so Selling each romance, Jesus can't go hashing, lethal. Ev'ry night some heart betraying. 'Cause the beer leaks out his side. Chorus Listen to the anguished crys of all his dying There will come a day, Oh, the hoary old seducer, people- Youth will pass away, Jesus Saves, Jesus Saves, Jesus Saves. Oh, the hoary old seducer, Then what will they say about me. (Turning around and flicking beer in the air Oh, the hoary old seducer, No one survives! When the end comes I know, chant the following) He still went rogering along! They'll say "Just a Gigolo", DaDa DaDat DatDat The Rev's a most gracious host, As life goes on without me. DaDa DaDat DatDat The color of his water was sort of orange-ale, So let's lift up our glass to the ultimate toast. DaDa DaDat DatDat Little gonorrhea germs within his scrotum We're at - Jonestown. (Young Harriette) (Continue with the following verses, repeating played, Drink up with Reverend Jim - Jonestown, He's just a Gigolo, each three times before the chorus.) In spite of these inconveniences, he went on The chances are mighty slim - Jonestown, But his balls hang down low, undismayed. The people are dropping like flies in, His cock is fine for playing. Jesus can't lay hash trail, Yes he still went rogering along. Jonestown, Jonestown, Jonestown, Jonestown. With a little luck, 'Cause the flower sifts through his hands. I can get a fuck, Girls would come from miles around to his There was Congressman Ryan on his mission of Without even paying. Jesus can't lay hash trail, Baronial Hall, spying If I give him a lick, 'Cause he lays a bloody trail. To see his giant penis and his one remaining But he would not drink with - Jim Jones. Or suck his big dick, ball, For such a disgrace they had to blow off his He will cum without me. But he's up very fast, Jesus can't lay hash trail, And see the rows of maiden heads all hung face, And willing to last, 'Cause he wears the briar as a crown. around the wall, But Now tell me who's to blame - Jim Jones. As I cli-max without fee. he still went rogering along. But it forced the Rev to put his final plan into

Jesus can't lay hash trail, action. (Old Harriette) 'Cause he only drinks white wine. 312 He drank the brew and when it's through, He's just a Gigolo, Jesus can't lay hash trail, John Peel he saw with satisfaction, He fucks much too slow, 'Cause he walks upon the water. Everyone died! He's not much good for staying. Do you ken John Peel, With his prick of steel, He won't even fuck, Jesus can't lay hash trail, The deaths were both painful and slow, And his balls of brass, 'Til I show him a buck, 'Cause he drags a heavy cross. But to live or to die, it's a great way to go. And his celluloid ass. Then his dick begins a swaying. We're at - Jonestown. Drink up with Reverend Jim - Jonestown He's a drunken old sot, Do you ken John Peel, The chances are mighty slim - Jonestown When he licks my twat, With his prick of steel, The people are dropping like flies in, Why does he always throw up? And it all comes in the morning! Jonestown, Jonestown, Jonestown, Jonestown. Why does he turn green, And make a big scene, Every-time I show up?

(A Gay) He's just a Gigolo, He likes a good blow, He'll plug your bum for fifty. If you bend over quick, He'll give you his dick, His technique is quite nifty. He's not really gay, But if you will pay, He'll satisfy your aching. (His Priest) Strategy, He'll take a good suck, He's just a Gigolo, We don't want to be in China, which China has resisted to prevent Hong Kong For only a buck, A bastard you know, We don't want to work for yuan, spending its stored billions in reserves. It's money he's a making. His sin is beyond measure. We'd rather hang around, Gweilo - a derogatory Chinese expression for He's never in mass, Hong Kong dollar or the Pound, Westerner meaning 'white ghost.' (A Husband) He's with every lass, Living off the earnings of our gweilo package; He's just a Gigolo, He only lives for pleasure. Won't spend our days on a two-weeler, 316 If anybody knows, He's done every sin, Won't spend our evenings drinking tea! Keyhole Song Where I can find the bastard. More than most men, We'd rather stay with England, He messed up my life, He needs a real confession. With merry merry England, I was invited for the weekend, By spoiling my wife, His life is that way, And get a lease for one more century. To a ball at Cholondely Hall, Now I can't satisfy her. As long as they pay, So we go... To celebrate the wedding, If I find him around, On Sunday he's in session. Of Sue Vere and Cousin Paul. His balls I will pound, They say it is a doomed territory, I read the guest list over, And serve them to my woman. (His Doctor) They say they'll push us Brits into the sea, And imagine my delight, I will cut off his dick, He's just a Gigolo, I called up my Mother, my sister, and my broth- When I found Sweet Fanny Adams, And serve it on a stick, But everybody knows, er, Had come to spend the night. He'll never more be cummin' He's dying any day now. They said, "You can't live with me!" He fucks all night long, I don't want to join the party, Chorus (His Mother) He's worn out his dong, I don't want to be a man called Wong! Oh, the keyhole in the door, He's just a Gigolo, His balls sag all the way now. I just want to go down, to old Wanchai, The keyhole in the door. But I trained him so, He bleeds when he pees, Spend up all the earnings of my Gweilo pack- I took up my position, Since he was on my tittie. His liver's Swiss cheese, age;I don't want no mainland women, by the keyhole in the door. He had a great tongue, He shits into his britches. 'Cause Hong Kong's full of girls I haven't had, For one so young, From licking the tits, I just want to stay with England, I left the ballroom early, Still in diapers shitty. And drunken clits, With merry merry England, Twas only half past nine, My twat he would lick, Of pus infested bitches. And colonize the place, just like my Dad. And as I hoped to find it, As he grew a dick, And he went... Her room lay next to mine. He learned his trade from Mommy. 315 So taking off my trousers, I helped him everyday, Keep On Hashing (Regardless of 1997) We don't want to call the army, I started to explore, To train in every way, (To: I Don't Want to Join the Army) We don't want to go to war, I took up my position, Now he makes a lot of money. We'd rather hang around, By the keyhole in the door. (His Father) I got the shits with Mainland China, Build an airport, on our ground, He's just a Gigolo, I got the shits with them old boys you see, Building up the earnings of our Gweilo pack- I hadn't long to wait there, I'm proud of him so, When your on the PADS you know, age; Wrapped in my dressing gown, I envy his vocation, You shouldn't screw the lads, There's a lot some people take for granted, When I saw Fanny on the staircase, Gets laid everyday, Stuffing up the earnings of our gweilo package. There's a lot of politicking yet to come, Retiring all alone. And even gets pay, I know how to cope with these frustrations, But with Maggie and with Taiwan, She didn't lock her bedroom door, Along with paid vacation. And it could be called a Carlsberg jamboree, We could push the border back to Canton, I couldn't ask for more, With a different life, Why can't we stay with England? But with their "A" bomb, And crept out of the shadows, A nagging wife, With merry merry England, I 'spose that's kind of dumb. By the keyhole in the door. He'd never had such pleasure. And get a lease for one more century. Cause there'd be, He's the son I adore, So we go... No more hashing with the he-men, She sat down by the fireside, A lovable whore, No more hashing with the girls, Her lily white tits to warm, Valued beyond any measure. Chorus By Wednesday, what a mess, With only a nylon chemise on, Monday hashing with the he-men, All that fall-out, I confess, To hide her naked form. Tuesday hashing with the girls, The living would be frying, If only she would take it off, By Wednesday I'm a mess, Little Sai Wan, I In that thermal package; What man could ask for more? confess, No more gents, no more South-side, By God, I saw her take it off, Drinking all the earnings of my gweilo package; So everybody get down on your knees, Through the keyhole in the door. Thursday--the Gentlemen of the SouthSide, Be careful will ya England, And to The Wanch for some more therapy, Real careful careful England, With soft and trembling fingers, Why can't we stay with England? And ask 'em nicely for an airport please! I opened up the door,With soft and trembling With merry merry England, (Glossary for this song:) footsteps, And get a lease one more century. PADS - the Port and Airport Development I crossed the bedroom floor. And so that no other man could, rent, Chorus See what I'd seen before, You know that money isn't heaven sent. You're leaving Jakarta, Syphilis, feels like razors everytime I piss. I stuffed that nylon chemise up, Friday's guy arrives without a suitcase, You silly old farter, Who the hell's to blame for this? The keyhole in the door. Sunday's Hasher creeps in like a bum, Your best days are over, It's agony this syphilis. Monday's likes to be tied with his boot lace, You're ready to go, That night I rode in glory, See how they'll cummmm! Your wrinkles are showing, Chorus 2 As I plumbed the girl's insides, Your beer belly is growing, How I got that sore, And on her heaving belly Lady Hardonna, Hasher at your breast, Your semen's stopped flowing, I didn't know, she was a whore. Had many splendid rides. Wonder how you manage to please the rest? You're all clapped out now. I was indiscreet, That morning when I woke up, Lady Hardonna, lying on the bed, Now I've got infected meat, eat, eat, eat. My prick was red and sore, No worry a-bout losing your maid-en-head. You abandoned your wife, I felt that I'd been screwing, Tuesday's love is never ending, In favor of night life, Syphilis, Through the keyhole in the door. Wednesday morning milkman didn't cum, You screwed till the morning, Chancre sores and spots upon my skin, Thursday night your diaphragm needed mend- Then came back for more, I never should have stuck it in, ing, Even your maid was willing, Now I will die of syphilis.

See how they'll cummmm! To sample your drilling, Chorus 2 317 But now your bit's broken, King of the Nerds They've shown you to the door. Lady Hardonna, Hashers at your feet, (To: King of the Road) Wonder how you manage to beat their meee- Leprosy, bits and pieces falling off of me. eat? We marvel to witness, I'm not half the man I used to be, Theorems to prove or not, Your standard of fitness, Differentials get me hot, Since I acquired leprosy. 319 You suffered no ailments, Chorus 2 Got three advanced degrees, Large Balls Not even a cough, Chorus 3 I don't pay no software fees. Miss Jones was walking down the street, But from self-abuse, Why things fall away, When a young fellow she happened to meet, And living so loose, I don't know, no one will say. I work - hard on my code at nights, Was giving the girls a hell of a treat, Your extremity's withered, When I solve hash trail, My system's fifty-gigabytes, Twisting and turning his balls. And your balls have dropped off. It's my parts that point the way, ay, ay, ay. Don't have much truck with words,

'Cause I'm (um-um) King of the Nerds. Chorus You came full of purpose, Leprosy, But they were large balls, large balls, But now you are surplus, Stumps for toes and fingers, woe is me, Chorus Twice as heavy as lead, cha, cha; You were full of ideas, There goes my dick, how will I pee? I know every engineer on every mainframe, And with two twists of his muscular wrists, You were at the forefront, Quite messily, with leprosy. Each fileserver, and all of their names, He threw them right over his head. Now your skills are outdated, Chorus 3 I know every BBS in every town, Sera-aboom, sera-a-boom, sera-a-boom boom Your job's automated,

And who to call for service when the system is boom. You're now on the scrap heap, down. You stupid old cunt. 322 Let Me Ball You Sweetheart A policeman to the scene was called, You know I watch Star Treck, TNG, 321 (To: Let Me Call You Sweetheart) He said, "A lesson'll have to be taught, I follow Science Fiction Fantasy, Because it's certain that no one ought, Leprosy I read PC news for thrills, To be twisting and turning his balls." (To: Yesterday) Let me ball you sweetheart; I'm in bed with you, I don't have no social skills, The prisoner standing in the dock, Let me hear you whisper that it's time to screw. He gave the judge a hell of a shock, Birth control, is the only way to save my soul. Make your body wiggle in the same old way, Ah, but cheap beer and take-out foods, Insisting on showing the jury his cock, Since I put it in my girl friend's hole, And I'll be back to see you on my next pay day. Get me lots of geeks in party moods. And twisting and turning his balls. Now I believe in birth control. Good grooming's for the birds, Let me call you sweetheart; I'm in bed with you, When you're (um-um) King of the Nerds, The judge he said, "The case is clear, Chorus 1 Let me pinch your boobies till they're black and And (um-um) I'm King of the Nerds. The fine will be a pint of beer, Why I had to cum, blue. For any young bugger that cums in here, I don't know she wouldn't blow. Let me stroke your vulva till it's filled with goo, 318 Twisting and turning his balls." I did something wrong, Let's play hide the weenie up your old wazoo. Lady Hardonna Now I long for birth control. (To: Lady Madonna) 323 320 Let's Have a Party Leaver's Song Pregnancy, there's a shotgun hanging over me. Lady Hardonna, men at your feet, Why has this bulge got to be? (To: Money Makes the World Go Round) (To: Annie's Song) Wonder how you manage to beat their meat. I should have used one silly me. You find the money, when you need to pay the Chorus 1 Parties make the world go 'round, World go 'round, world go 'round, Jane the under-housemaid vomits, As he puckered up his little asshole. Parties make the world go 'round, Every morning just at eight, Oh, the cat came out and they had a little spat, Let's have a party! To the horror of the butler, 326 And the cat ate up on the mouse, Who's the author of her fate. Little Bit Off the Top And the moral of the story is, We're going to tear down the bar (Boo) (To: When Johnny Comes Marching Home) You can't drink liquor on the house! We're going to build a new bar ('ray) Auntie Kate has diarrhea, 328 One inch deep (Boo) Shits ten times more than she ought, When I was eight days old my boys, The Little Brown Shitter in the Vale Two miles long ('ray) Stand all day beside the rear, Hurrah, Hurrah! (To: The Little Brown Church in the Vale) Lest she should be taken short. When I was eight days old my boys, Soda's going to be five dollars a glass (Boo) Hurrah, Hurrah! There's a toilet in the valley by the wildwood, Whiskey's free ('ray) Grandpa, lurking in the woodshed, The Rabbi came with a big sharp knife, No lov-li-er place in the dale; We're going to dump all the beer in the pool Found a fetus in a case, And I surely thought he would take my life, No spot is so dear to my chi-ild-hood, (Boo) Father Pryke says it is murder, But all he took was a, As the lit-tle brown shitter in the vale. Then we're all going swimmin' ('ray) Of sister Annie there's no trace. Little bit off the top. Uncle Charlie has a chancre, O, that is what they call a bris, Chorus They'll be no bartenders at out bar (Boo) Caught from Uncle Henry's wife, Hurrah, Hurrah! (Part of the pack starts singing background Barmaids ('ray) May's in bed with menstruation, O, that is what they call a bris, making masterbating gestures with each word) In long dresses (Boo) Auntie's at the change of life. Hurrah, Hurrah! Oh, cum, cum, cum, cum, ... Made of cellophane ('ray) And if the Rabbi doesn't miss, (The rest of the pack joins in after four "cum's" Mabel's husband's now in prison, It makes for a more interesting piss, and sings...) You can't take our girls to your rooms (Boo) For a childish prank of mine, But all he took was a, Cum in the toilet in the in the wild-wood, Our girls take you to their rooms ('ray) Pinching things that wasn't his'n, Little bit off the top. O cum in the shitter in the dale. But you can't sleep with our girls (Boo) Women's scanties off a line. (Then all together sing...) Our girls won't let you sleep ('ray) (Continued...) The Rabbi, he is called a moyl, No spot is so dear to my chi-ild-hood, Dad's a man who likes the bestial, Hurrah, Hurrah! As the lit-tle brown shitter in the vale. There will be no fuckin' on the dancin' floor Incest is my mother's fun, The Rabbi, he is called a moyl, (Boo) So the whole four sleep together, Hurrah, Hurrah! How nice in the morning when you're horn-y, And there'll be no dancin' on the fuckin' floor Father, mother, horse, and son. And over me he sure did toil, To find a quite place to set your tail, ('ray) I thought I would end up a goil, Re-lease is just a few stokes in pri-va-cy, Anal-oral trends disgust me, But all he took was a, Then you cum in that shitter in the vale. Little bit off the top. Parties make the world go 'round, Though pronounced in Tiny Tim,

World go 'round, world go 'round, For I much prefer fellatio, 329 Parties make the world go 'round, He sucks me and I suck him. O, circumcision is all right, Little Red Train Let's have a party! Hurrah, Hurrah! Little Jim keeps masturbating, O, circumcision is all right, When Johnny Comes Marching Home 324 Though we tell him it's a sin, Hurrah, Hurrah! A little red train came down the track, Life Presents a Dismal Picture Uncle Dave's the Kingsgrove slasher, But every morning and every night, She blew, she blew. (To: Deutschland Uber Alles) Uncle Henry dobbed him in. You aim to the left and pee to the right, A little red train came down the track, But all he took was a, She blew, she blew. A little red train came down the track, Life presents a dismal picture, Still we must not be down-hearted, Little bit off the top. And I don't give a damn if she never comes Dark and dreary as the tomb, We must not be put about, back, Father's got urethral stricture, Cousin Susie has just farted, 327 Little Brown Mouse Away she blew, oh Jesus, how she blew. Mother's got a prolapsed womb. Turned her arsehole inside out!

Oh, the liquor was spilled on the barroom floor, The engineer was at the throttle, Uncle James has been deported, 325 And the place was closed for the night, She blew, she blew. For a homosexual crime, Little Bird When out from his hole crept a little brown The engineer was at the throttle, Nell, our maid, has just aborted, mouse, She blew, she blew. For the forty-second time. There was a little bird, And sat in the pale moonlight. The engineer was at the throttle, No bigger than a turd, A-jacking off in a whiskey bottle, Ours is not a happy household, And he sat upon a telegraph pole. Oh, he lapped up the liquor on the barroom Away she blew, oh Jesus, how she blew. No-one laughs or even smiles, He stuck out his little neck, floor, (Continue verses below as above) Mine's a dismal occupation, And he shat about a peck, And back on his haunches he sat, ...The fireman, he was shoveling coal, Crushing ice for grampa's piles. As he puckered up his little asshole. And all night long you could hear him roar, Right up the engineer's asshole... Asshole, asshole, asshole, asshole, "Bring on the goddamned cat!" ...The switchman, he was at the switch, Loopy Lulu had a chicken, A-swishing away like a son of a bitch... (To: Sweet Betsy from Pike) Lulu had a duck, Lulu was a pretty girl, She put the two together, She had a lot of class, ...A blonde was in the dining car, Twas down in cunt valley where red rivers flow, To see if they could... Mini-skirts she'd wear a lot, A-puffing away on a black cigar... Where cocksuckers flourish and maidenheads To let her show her... grow, Lulu had a boyfriend, ...A porter was waiting in the car, Twas there I met Loopy, the girl I adore, His name was Diamond Dick, Lulu had a bicycle, To take the place of the black cigar... She's a hot fucking, cocksucking, Mexican She never got his diamond, The seat was very sharp, whore. But always got his... Every time she sat on it, ...The flagman he stood out in the grass, It would slip right up her... The staff of the flag run up his ass... Chorus Lulu had a baby, 330 She'll fuck you, she'll suck you, she'll tickle It was an awful shock, Lulu had a boy-friend, Lobster Song your nuts, She couldn't call it Lulu, He was very fit, "Oh, mister fisherman, home from the sea, And if you're not happy, she'll suck out your 'Cause the bastard had a... Working all day on the farm, Have you got a lobster you will sell to me?" guts, His job was shoveling... She'll wrap her legs around you till you want to I took her to the pictures, Chorus die, We sat down in the stalls, Lulu and a boy-friend, Singing ai-tiddly-ai, shit or bust, But I'd rather eat Loopy than sweet cherry pie. And every time the lights went out, A stunted little runt, Never let your ballocks dangle in the dust. She'd grab me by the... One day they went to have a bit, When Loopy was a young girl of just about And he vanished up her... "Yes sir, yes sir, I have two, eight, She and I went fishing, And the biggest of the bastards I will sell to She'd swing too and fro on the back garden gate. In a dainty punt, Lulu had a little lamb, you." The crossmember parted, the upright went in, And every time she caught a sprat, She kept it in a bucket, And since then she's lived in a welter of sin. She'd stuff up her... Every time the lamb jumped out, Now Loopy is dead and she lays in her tomb, So I took the lobster home, but I couldn't find a The bulldog used to... The worms crawl around in her decomposed Some girls work in factories, dish, womb. So I put the fucking lobster where the missus Some girls work in stores, She and I went walking, The smile on her face, well it says give me But Lulu works in a honky tonk, has a piss. more, We walked along the grass, With forty other... She slipped on a banana peel, I'm a hot fucking, cocksucking, Mexican whore. (Continued...) In the middle of the night, as you well know, And fell down on her... I wish I were the silver ring, The missus got up to let the water flow. 332 On Lulu's dainty hand, Lulu made some porridge, Lulu Then every time she scratches her arse, Well, first there came a groan, and then there (To: Good Night Ladies. This one allows you to It was very thick, came a grunt, I'd see the promised... Lulu wouldn't eat it, sing dirty songs while leaving out the offensive And the bloody lobster grabbed her by the cunt. words. Good for public places where tolerance But she'd smear it on my... I wish I were the chamber pot, is low.) Under Lulu's bed, The missus grabbed the brush, and I grabbed the Lulu had a bicycle, Then every time she took a piss, broom, Chorus The seat was very blunt, And we chased the fucking lobster round and I'd see her maiden... Every time she jumps on it, Bang, Bang, Lulu, round the room. Bang, Bang away, It sticks her in the... Lulu had two boy-friends, We hit it on the head, we hit it on the side, Who's gonna' bang bang Lulu, Both were very rich, We hit that fucking lobster till the bastard died. When Lulu's gone away. Lulu has a bicycle, One was the son of a banker, The seat was made of glass, Oh, the story has a moral, and this is it, The other a son-of-a... And every time she hit a bump, Always have a look before you take a piss. A piece went up her... Lulu had a boy-friend, That's the end of my story, there isn't any more, His name was Tommy Tucker, Lulu had a boyfriend, There's an apple up my asshole, and you can He took her down the alley, His name was Michael Hunt, have the core. To see if he could... She like him above the rest, Down in Nagasaki the monkey fucked the cat, Because he'd eat her... And all the cat could do was fuck the monkey Lulu had a boy-friend, back. A funny little chap, Lulu had a turtle, Every time they had a bit, And Lulu had a duck. 331 She got a dose of... She put them in the bathtub, To see if they would... Lydia the queen of tattoo, Cowing it everywhere. The pack wouldn't be long. On her back is the battle of Waterloo, The hares found the copper alone by the pit, Lulu had a vanity chair, Beside it the wreck of the Titanic too, (Continue adding animals and gestures) Threw flour in the holes where his eyes used to It was made of glass, And proudly above waves the red white and fit, Every time she sat on it, blue, Chickens - pecking The hares led the pack by a block and a bit, You could see her... You can learn a lot from Lydia. Sheep - shagging Said, "We'll lead the damn pack, La de da, la de da, la de da, la de da. Dogs - sniffing Through these puddles of SHIT!" Lulu had a boyfriend, Geese - goosing His name was Billy Batch, She can give you a view of the world in tattoo, Turkeys - gobbling The hares led the pack to the edge of the pit, But Lulu had to break it off, If you step up and tell her where, Bulls - balling They slipped and they slid in the puddles of shit, When it got stuck in her big 'ol... For a dime you can see Kankakee or Paree, Pullets - pulling They fell in the shiggy, right up to their tails, Or Washington Crossing the Delaware. Goats - eating Ere they sank out of sight, Lulu had a job, but then she had to quit, 'Cause Horses - humping They marked it true trail! every time she turned around, La de da, la de da, la de da, la de da. Pigs - poking The boss would grab her... Ducks - dicking The pack followed bravely, the pack followed Lydia, oh Lydia, true, 333 Lydia the tattooed lady, 336 They followed the hares into that vile brew, Lumberjack Song When her muscles start relaxin', Madeline Schmidt They followed true trail right into the pit, Up the hill comes Andrew Jackson. (To: Sweet Betsy From Pike) Soon the whole pack of Hashers, Chorus Was drowning in shit!

I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK, Lydia, oh Lydia, There was a young maiden named Madeline I sleep all night and I work all day. Lydia the champ of them all, Schmidt, This tale has a lesson if you think a bit, She once swept an Admiral clear off his feet, Who went to the doctor 'cause she couldn't shit, Don't follow true trail right into the pit, Chorus The ships on her hips made his heart skip a beat, He gave her some medicine all wrapped up in Remember that hares can be damn bloody fools, I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, And now he's in command of the fleet, glass, And in Hashing, like loving, I go to the lavatory. For he went and married Lydia. Up went the window and out went her ass! There's no fucking rules! On Wednesdays I go shopping, 337 Mamas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Have buttered scone for tea. 335 Chorus MacDonald's Farm Hashers It was brown, brown, shit all around, (To: Mamas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Chorus (To: Old MacDonald Had a Farm) It was brown, brown, shit all around, be Cowboys) I cut down trees, I skip and jump, It was brown, brown, shit all around, I like to press wild flowers, This is best done passing the lead around the And the whole world was covered in, I put on women's clothing, circle. Use appropriate gestures. Shit, shit, shit, shit! Hashers ain't easy to love and they're harder to And hang around in bars. hold, Old MacDonald had a farm, They'd rather have them a beer than diamonds A handsome young copper was walking his or gold. Chorus Ee-i-ee-i-oh. beat, And on this farm he had some cows, Nike shoes, whistles and old faded run shorts, I cut down trees, I wear high heels, He just happened to be on that side of the street, And each week begins a new trail. Suspenders and a bra, Ee-i-ee-i-oh. He looked up so innocent, he looked up so shy, And the cows were cowing it here, If you don't understand him and he don't die I wish I were a girlie, And a big wad of shit hit him right in his eye! young, Just like my old papa. And the cows were cowing it there, cowing it here, cowing it there, He'll probably fuck you and bail. Chorus That handsome young copper he cursed and he cowing it everywhere, swore, Chorus 334 He called that young maiden a dirty old whore, Mamas don't let your babies grow up to be Lydia the Tattooed Lady Old MacDonald had a farm, And beneath London Bridge you can still see Ee-i-ee-i-oh. hashers. (To: Lydia the Tattooed Lady) him sit, Don't let them run hash trails and down down And on this farm he had some rams, With a sign 'round his neck saying, Ee-i-ee-i-oh. that beer, Lydia, oh Lydia, "Blinded by shit"! Let them play baseball and football all year. Say have you met Lydia, And the rams were ramming it here, And the rams were ramming it there, Mamas don't let your babies grow up to be Lydia the tattooed lady, Two fast moving Hashers came running along, hashers. She has eyes that men adore so, Ramming it here, ramming it there, Throwing flour and paper and singing their Ramming it everywhere, 'Cause they'll never stay home and they're al- And a torso even more so. song, ways on trail, And the cows were cowing it here, Singing, Hi-Diddle-Diddle, and flogging their And the cows were cowing it there,Cowing it Even when promised some tail. Lydia, oh Lydia, dongs, That encyclopedia, here, cowing it there, The hares were trail-setting, Hashers like smokie old beer pubs and wet Mary Ann Burns gave, Shit all around the room. muddy shiggy, But all she ever got was clap, Little warm sheep pens and rubbers and girls of Mary Ann Burns is the queen of all the acrobats, All she ever got was clap, Mary had a dog whose name was Ben, the night. She can do tricks that'll give a guy the shits, All she ever got was clap, Name was Ben, name was Ben, Them that don't know him won't like him, She can shoot green peas from her fundamental All she ever got was clap, Mary had a dog whose name was Ben, And them that do sometimes won't know how to orifice, But she never got one son of a bitchin' clam. Bullshit, take him. Do a somersault and catch 'em on her tits. Mary had a dog whose name was Ben, When he drinks beer too much and he's puking She's a great big son-of-a-bitch, 341 Had one ball which worked like ten, his guts, Twice as big as me, Mary Box Shit all around the room, tra-la, He's being a hasher al-right. Got hair on her ass like the branches on a tree, Shit all around the room. She can swim, fish, fight, fuck, This is the tale of Mary Box, 338 Fly an airplane, drive a truck, Who gave a thousand men the pox, Mary in the kitchen baking cakes, Man Trap Mary Ann Burns is the girl for me. Soldiers and sailors and men of honor, Baking cakes, baking cakes, (To: Ring of Fire) Fought like fiends to climb upon her, Mary in the kitchen baking cakes, 340 And now that she's dead, she's not forgotten, Bullshit, Love is a burning thing, Mary Ann McCarthy They dig her up and fuck her rotten. Mary in the kitchen baking cakes, Met a girl who could make me sing, (To: Battle Hymn of the Republic) When out of the tits came two mild shakes, A snatch was never wider, 342 Shit all around the room, tra-la, I fell into her huge vagina. Mary Ann McCarthy, she went out to dig some Mary in the Kitchen Shit all around the room. clams. I fell into her steamy wet vagina, Mary Ann McCarthy, she went out to dig some Mary in the kitchen punching duff, 343 Went down, down, down, almost the whole way clams. Punching duff, punching duff, Masturbation to China. Mary Ann McCarthy, she went out to dig some Mary in the kitchen punching duff, (To: Finculi-Fincula) And it turns, squirms, churns, clams, Bullshit, That huge vagina, that huge vagina. But she didn't get one son of a bitchin' clam, Mary in the kitchen punching duff, Harriers Verses: All she got was oysters, When the cheeks of her arse Last night I stayed at home and masturbated, The taste, it was so sweet, All she got was oysters, Went chuff, chuff, chuff, It felt so good, I knew it would, Then I slid in my meat, All she got was oysters, Shit all around the room, tra-la, Last night I stayed at home and masturbated, Just before I was done, But she never got one son of a bitchin' clam. Shit all around the room. It felt so nice, I did it twice. She asked, "Are you in yet hon?" (Continued...) She dug up all the mud there was in San Fran- Mary in the kitchen boiling rice, You, should have seen me on the short strokes, I fell into her steamy wet vagina, cisco Bay, Boiling rice, boiling rice, It felt so grand, I used my hand, Went down, down, down, almost the whole way She dug up all the mud there was in San Fran- Mary in the kitchen boiling rice, You, should have seen me on the long strokes, to China. cisco Bay, Bullshit, It felt so neat, I used my feet. And it turns, squirms, churns, She dug up all the mud there was in San Fran- Mary in the kitchen boiling rice, That huge vagina, that huge vagina. cisco Bay, When out of her cunt jumped three blind mice, Smash it, bash it, throw it on the floor, (Let it squirm!) And all she ever got was crabs. Shit all around the room, tra-la, Wrap it around the bedpost, stick it in the door, All she ever got was crabs. Shit all around the room. Some people say that sexual intercourse is I fell into her steamy wet vagina, All she ever got was crabs. something really grand. Went down, down, down, but she wouldn't let All she ever got was crabs. Mary in the kitchen shelling peas, But, me, I'd rather stay at home and work it off me ride her, But she never got one son of a bitchin' clam. Shelling peas, shelling peas, by hand. And it turns, squirms, churns, Mary in the kitchen shelling peas, That huge vagina, that huge vagina. She waded in the water till her ass dug the sand, Bullshit, Harriettes Verses: She waded in the water till her ass dug the sand, Mary in the kitchen shelling peas, Last night I laid and masturbated, I tasted her and then, She waded in the water till her ass dug the sand, The hairs of her cunt hung down to her knees, It did me good, I knew it would. I had to try again, But all she ever got was piles. Shit all around the room, tra-la, All night, the bed springs they vibrated, She said, with all her charm, All she ever got was piles. Shit all around the room. I think it's canny, to rub my fanny. "Don't use your cock again, try your arm." All she ever got was piles. All she ever got was piles. Mary in the garden sifting cinders, You, should have seen me on the short strokes, I fell into her steamy wet vagina, But she never got one son of a bitchin' clam. Sifting cinders, sifting cinders, It felt so grand, I used my hand. With arms and legs both, I couldn't satisfy her. She went to every party that the Army ever Mary in the garden sifting cinders, You, should have seen me on the long strokes, And it turns, squirms, churns, gave, Bullshit, Around and round, and up and down. That huge vagina, that huge vagina. She went to every party that the Army ever Mary in the garden sifting cinders, 339 gave, Blew one fart and broke ten windows, Eased it, teased it, slid along the floor, She went to every party that the Army ever Shit all around the room, tra-la, Rubbed it, scrubbed it, tickled it to the core. 344 345 I've lain right in between it. Some people say that being fucked is very Masturbation The Mayor of Bayswater's Daughter grand, (To: Alouette) (To: The Ash Grove) She went with a Hash House Harrier, But for personal enjoyment, I'd would rather use Who fucked her but wouldn't marry her. my hand. Chorus The Songmaster, or a different hasher from the Masturbation, I like masturbation, circle, takes a verse each time, and the Pack I've stroked them, I've poked them, Masturbation, I like to masturbate. responds during the chorus. I've even rolled them up and smoked them.

Songmaster: How I like to choke my chicken. The Mayor of Bayswater, She married a preacher, Pack: Yes, he likes to choke his chicken. He had a pretty daughter. To find out what he could teach her. Songmaster: Choke my chicken. Pack: Choke his chicken. Chorus If she were my daughter, Songmaster: Masturbate. And the hairs of her dinky-di-doo, I'd have them cut shorter. Pack: Masturbate. Hang down to her knees. All: Oh, oh, oh, oohhh ... And the hairs... (Pack echoes:) And the hairs! She says she's not a whore, And the hairs... (Pack echoes:) And the hairs! But she bangs like a shit-house door. Songmaster: How I love to spank my monkey. (together) Pack: Yes, he loves to spank his monkey. *And the hairs of her dinky-di-doo, I could not believe my eyes, Songmaster: Spank my monkey. Hang down to her knees. When I peed between her thighs. Pack: Spank his monkey.

Songmaster: Choke my chicken. She lived on a mountain, She stayed on a cattle ranch, Pack: Choke his chicken. And pissed like a bloody fountain. And came like a bloody avalanche. Songmaster: Masturbate.

Pack: Masturbate. I've smelt it, I've felt it, She lived on a malted milkshake, All: Oh, oh, oh, oohhh ... It's just like a piece of velvet. And rooted like a bloody rattlesnake.

(Continue adding lines from the You need a coal miner, She married an Italian, additional verses below.) To find her vagina. With balls like a fucking stallion.

Harriers: She's not a great looker, She divorced the Italian, How I love to... But everyone took 'er. And married a stallion. ...Yank my chain ...Flog my log She slept with a demon, ...Lope my mule It was always hit-or-miss, Who washed her with semen. ...Rub my nub Whether I could find her clitoris.

...Whip my lizard When she was at the Hash House, ...Beat my meat Her cat's name was Boris, They sheltered my trouser mouse. ...Pull my pony And it played with her clitoris.

She went to Arabia, Harriettes: If she were my daughter, And got camel drool on her labia. ...Swat my twat I'd have them cut shorter.

...Tease the beaver She stayed in Seattle, ...Stroke my snatch She fished at the bass hole, And went down on cattle. ...Tap my gap While I poled her asshole. (Continued...) ...Use three fingers She married a Spaniard, She married a Japanese, ...Moan and jerk With a prick like a bloody lanyard. And blew him every time he sneezed. (See "Fornication" for another song She sits on the waterfront,

to naturally follow this one.) With the waves lapping up and down her cunt. She came from Glamorgan, With a cunt like a barrel organ. I've licked it, I've kissed it, She lived in a lighthouse, It tastes like a chocolate biscuit. Which stank like a bloody shitehouse.

You can drive a mini minor, I've seen it, I've seen it, Right up her vagina. From the local obstetrician in Mobile. The light is so glitorous, Eyes right, foreskins tight, If you're ever thrown in jail in Mobile... Oh, men of drinking classes in Mobile... When it shines off her clitoris. Cockstands to the front, Well there's no need for bail, When you've finished with your glasses, We're the men of the H, H, 3. 'Cause the sheriff's wife's for sale in Mobile. You can shove them up your asses in Mobile. Her vagina was squishy, We're in search of fun, And smelled a bit fishy. We're the heroes of the night, Oh, there's a brand new lighthouse in Mobile... Oh, the chemists are the key men in Mobile... We'd rather fuck than fight, Which the birds use for a shit-house, Selling dehydrated semen, The aroma it lingers, We're the men of the H, H, 3. Now the lighthouse is a white-house in Mobile. To emasculated he-men in Mobile. It smells like fish fingers. (Continued...) Chorus There's a shortage of good bogs in Mobile... Oh, the Privates wash the dishes in Mobile... * Variations for the next to last chorus line Rolling along, rolling along, So they wait until it clogs, And they dry them on their britches, And one forty pound strength one... By the light of the silvery moon. Then they saw it up in logs in Mobile. Oh, the dirty sons of bitches in Mobile. And one I caught a trout on... Happy is the Hash, And one I found on a bar of soap... With my finger up her snatch, There's a man by the name of Hunt in Mobile... Oh, the Sergeant is a bugger in Mobile... And one that blocked the storm drain... By the light of the silvery moon. Who thought he had a cunt, And the Corporal is another, And one she used as dental floss... Oh, (repeat until bored) But his balls were back to front in Mobile. And they bugger one another in Mobile. And one she uses for macrame... And one dripping in olive oil... 348 There's a man by the name of West in Mobile... Oh, they drink their whisky neat in Mobile... And one that smelt of clitty litter... Mobile Who thought he had a breast, Till it drops them off their feet, (To: She'll be Coming 'Round the Mountain) And one to start the lawn mower with... But is balls were on his chest in Mobile. And they cannot get a beat in Mobile.

And one covered in algae... Oh, the eagles they fly high in Mobile, in Mo- And one I found in my mug of beer... Oh, the girls they wear tin undies in Mobile... Oh, I chased the Colonel's daughter in Mobile... bile, And one the crabs are stuck on... And they take them off on Sundays, And I shagged her when I caught her, Oh, the eagles they fly high in Mobile, You should see the boys on Mondays in Mobile. Now the daughter's got a daughter in Mobile. Oh, the eagles they fly high, 346 And they shit right in your eye, Men There's a shortage of good whores in Mobile... Oh, the cows they are all dead in Mobile... Songmaster gets pack to chant chorus continu- Thank the Lord the cows don't fly in Mobile. But there's keyholes in the doors, So they milk the bulls instead, ously: And there's knotholes in the floors in Mobile. 'Cause the bastard's must be fed in Mobile. Chorus 349 Chorus In Mobile, in Mobile, Oh, the parson is perverted in Mobile... Mockin' Bird Kill Men, men, men, men, In-mo, in-mo, in-Mobile, And his morals are inverted, (To: Mockin' Bird Hill) Men, men, men, men. A-a-sshole, a-a-sshole, a-a-a-sshole. There's a thousand he's converted in Mobile.

Frenchies are the short supply in Mobile... When my dick in the morning awakes for a There's a girl by the name of Dinah in Mobile, Oh, it's fun to be on a ship with men, And that's the reason why, thrill, in Mobile, And sail across the sea, You'll see them hanging out to dry in Mobile. And raises the cover and forms a small hill, We don't know where we'll land, or when, There's a girl by the name of Dinah in Mobile, I grab it and stroke it with long practiced skill, But still it's fun to be, There's a girl by the name of Dinah, The virgins they are rare in Mobile... 'Cause I lost my poor lover on Mockin' Bird On a ship with men at sea. Who thinks there's nothing finer, When they get their pubic hair, Hill. Than a prick up her vagina in Mobile. They're deflowered by the Mayor in Mobile. There's men above and men below, Chorus Oh, the Hashers get no tail in Mobile, in Mo- And men down in the galley. Oh, the girls they wear tin pants in Mobile... "On-On-Onnn!" and "Are You?" I screamed bile, And they take them off to dance, with a shrill, There's Butch and Spike, Oh, the Hashers get no tail in Mobile, As I looked for my lover, the beautiful Jill, Oh, the Hashers get no tail, All the fellows get a chance in Mobile. And Tom and Sam, "On-In!" the birds taunted, "She's with Hasher And one that we call Sally, So for want of recreation, Bill." There's a lad named Dirty Danny in Mobile... One that we call Sally (effeminately). They indulge in masturbation in Mobile. "She said you had no dick on Mockin' Bird Hill. And he likes a bit of fanny, And now when I'm hashin', when I hear the trill, And he gets it off of granny in Mobile. Oh, the vicar is a bugger in Mobile... Of the birds in the treetops on Mockin' Bird Oh, we are brave and we are bold, And none of us are sissies. And the curate is another, Hill, There's a bastard named Mercator in Mobile... Each night we lay down in our bunks, And they bugger one another in Mobile. They fill me with sadness, their taunts make me Who's the greatest masturbator, And blow each other kissies (effeminately). chill, Fornicator, cunt-inflator in Mobile. There's a shortage of bog paper in Mobile... As I recall that morning on Mockin' Bird Hill.

347 So they wait until it vapors, There's a girl with no ambition, in Mobile... Men of the HH3 Then they light it with a taper in Mobile. If these birds keep on mock-in' me 'bout my girl She gets it in the kitchen, Jill, 350 351 353 I'll carry my shotgun to Mockin' Bird Hill, Monk of Great Renown Monks of Saint Bernard Mooning in the Sun I'll shoot those who mock me, the air full of (To: Seasons in the Sun) quill, There was a monk of great renown, The monks of St Bernard, Then look for that bitch and her Hash lover Bill. There was a monk of great renown, St Bernard, St Bernard, I went down South to get some sun, There was a monk of great renown, They don't give a bugger at all. To the Bike Week Hash to have some fun, It's said that they quarreled as oft lovers will, Who shagged an innocent maid from town. They rise up right early, I just joined the hash to run. And died in a fight there on Mockin' Bird Hill. Right early, right early, I didn't know they'd really care, But me and the mockin' birds all saw the kill, Chorus And pee through a hole in the wall. If I mooned them over there. And I am not talking and they never will. The old sod, the sod, The green leaves are yellow, The bugger deserved to die. The green leaves are yellow, Chorus I read in the paper 'bout my lover Jill, Fuck him, shit him - The green leaves are yellow, We had joy, we had fun, That all round her gravesite was littered a kill, But first let us pray: And so is the hole in the wall. We went mooning in the sun. Of dozens of mockin' birds, several a quill, Glory, glory, hallelujah. But the cops, they had guns, "How odd" said the writer, "a mockin' bird His brother monks they cried in shame, And they shot us in the buns. kill?" So he turned her over and fucked her again. 352 Monte Carlo The cops they came from down the street, I rise up each morning and finish my thrill, He met another by the mill, (To: The Man Who Broke the Bank in Monte I couldn't get my pants up from my feet, The air is all quiet, there's peace on the hill, And fucked and fucked her up the hill. Carlo) Grabbing cloth from my back seat. Except for the bluebird and warbler bird trill, They were gaining on me quick, There's no more damn mockin' on Mockin' Bird He met another in the hay, As she walked along the Bois de Boulogne, I was feeling kind of sick. Hill. And put her in the family way. With a heart as heavy as lead, She wished that she was dead, The bikers hollered to me "Stop!", She had lost her maidenhead, He took her to the Abbot's bed, I felt a sting and heard a big loud "Pop!", She was all forlorn and covered in spawn, And fucked and fucked till she was dead. And then I knew it was the cop. Her knickers were torn, In the ass he hit my pride, And her cunt was worn, But when the Abbot cried, "Amen," Down I went I thought I'd died. She's the girl that lowered the price at Monte He fucked her back to life again. Carlo. The hashers came to give me cheer,

His brother monks to stop his frolics, To my bed they brought a keg of beer, As he walked along the Bois de Boulogne, I grabbed a cup and held it dear. Put a nail through this prick and cut off his bal- With his dick upon the stand, locks. The cop outside began to shout, The girls all say it's grand, "Leave my prisoner and get out!" To take it in their hand, And now the moral I will tell, I was moved though still quite pale, You give them a bob and they're on the job, The judge said "Give him thirty days in jail!", And now the moral I will tell, Pulling the foreskin over the knob, I was put into a cell. Of the man who broke the bank at Monte Carlo. When bikers saw my bun, When all the world just feels like hell, I was safe from all their fun. Just fuck and fuck till all is well. As he walked along the Bois de Boulogne,

With his dick up in the air, The moral of this story's clear, You could hear the girls declare, Stick to hashing and to drinking beer, He's got syph and gonorrhea, I'll never moon again, don't fear. He's a lousy frowsy son of a bitch, For when you get shot in the ass, His balls are always on the itch, Your mooning days are over fast. He's the man who services the whores in Monte Carlo.

354 "What's sauce for the gander is sauce for the All the men Hashers they lie and lie, The Moonshiner When I was a young lad I played with the girls, goose," They can't get it up no matter how hard they try, I'd fondle their titties and twirl their curls, Said I as I set out to find me a moose, But a moose is stiff for hours on end, I've been a moonshiner for many a year, But my true love ran off with a classmate named But I ran into problems that men do not mind, That's why a Moose is my only boyfriend. I've spent all my money on whiskey and beer, Bruce, For male moose are seasonal creatures, you'll I'll go to some hollow and set up my still, I never got treated that way by a Moose. find. Tears came to my eyes when mating season And I'll make you a gallon for a ten shilling bill. came 'round, Women like pearls and diamonds and cars, When I was much younger I read dirty books, He found a girl moose with whom to settle Chorus I spend all my money on them in the bars, I stroked myself with each gazing look, down, I'm a rambler, I'm a gambler, But a Moose is content to be tied to a tree, But nothing can make my eyes start to twinkle, A home in the woods and three calves have they I'm a long way from home, While I find other Mooses to satisfy me. Then getting it off with that stud Bullwinkle. now, And if you don't like me, But he thinks of me when he's humping that You can leave me alone. My girlfriend's a prude, she only likes it one I hunted in winter, I hunted in spring, cow! I'll eat when I'm hungry, way, I hunted all summer and found not a thing, And so, my dear sisters, I have to confess, I'll drink when I'm dry, It's Missionary style day after day, But I found my moose when leaves started to Being balled by a moose, it is really the best, And if the moonshine don't kill me, That's why I sneak off with Margie the Moose, fall, But you'll make out with others for most of the I'll live till I die. Whenever I want to ride the caboose. And, oh brother! did I have a ball. year, For male moose are seasonal creatures, I fear. I'll go to some hollow in this counterie, The ______hash just isn't quite right, With my arms 'round his barrel, my feet by his Then gallons of wash I can go on a spree, The women up here are much too tight, tail, A bear in the winter is furry and warm, No woman to follow, the world is all mine, But give them an hour out back with a moose, I hanged and we banged and we really did flail, And if you don't tickle, he'll do you no harm. I love none so well as I love the moonshine. And they will return hot, horny and loose. Bouncing and jouncing I came with a roar, In spring try an eagle, his feathers are light, I never had had such a great lay before. That is if you are not afraid of great height. Moonshine, dear moonshine, oh! how I love Now I've made it with all kinds of beasties with thee, hair, The first night I met him it was like a dream In summer, I fear, you must make do with men, You killed my poor father, but dare you try me, I'd make it with snakes if their fangs were not We fucked all night long and he did make me But, not to worry, soon fall comes again. Now bless all moonshiners and bless all moon- there, scream Then you can return to your own faithful moose, shine, I've made it with walrus, two ducks and a goose, His antlers were hard and my panties were And revel in supremely scrumptious screws. Their breath smells as sweet as the dew on the But I've never had anything quite like a moose. cream vine. I've never had any man quite so supreme! Now that I'm older and on in my years, Now gorillas are fine for a Saturday night, I'll have you know that I shed me no tears, 355 And lions and tigers, they puts up a fight, And on the second night that we went out,He While I sit by the fire with a glass of Mateuse, The Moose Song But it just ain't the same when you slams your lasted much longer, without a doubt, Playing hide the salami with Marvin the Moose. (By Magic City HHH, To: Sweet Betsy of Pike. caboose, When he finally came 'twas like Moby Dick's to be sung while making moose antlers, by plac- As the feeling you gets when you humps with a spout, ing hands and fingers on your head pointing moose. We did it and did it until he passed out! upward.) Now that I'm older and on in my years, Now for our third date I didn't wait long, Moose, Moose, I love a moose, I'll have you know that I shed me no tears, I was Fay Wray, he was King Kong, I've never had anything quite like a moose, While I sit by the fire with a glass of Mateuse, He was big, too, and hairy and strong, My pleasure's been plenty, Playing hide the salami with Mary the Moose. And he had dong that was longer than Kong's! My women (men have) been loose, But nothing compares to the love of a Moose. Harriettes: But autumn soon passed and so I said goodbye, You spend all your money on women in bars, I'll be here next year when the leaves start to fly, Harriers: I spend all my time wondering where you are, Yes I will return when the leaves start to fall, When I'm in the mood for a very fine lay, But a moose is happy to stay home with me, And we'll ball and we'll ball and we'll ball and I go to the closet and pull out some hay,I open That's why from now on it's only mooses for we'll ball. the window and spread it around, me. Because Moose will come running when hay's All my past lovers did brag about size, on the ground. I figured it all out one day by myself, Those tales of twelve inches were nothing but When I was much younger I read dirty books, When my man went off and left me on the shelf, lies, I stroked myself with each gazing look, He'd found him a new love, a nubile moose-ess, But a Moose is the size that a man ought to be, But nothing can make my eyes start to twinkle, Which gave me a bad case of rampant distress. Thats why from now on its only Mooses for me. Like the feeling I get jacking off to Bullwinkle. 356 More beer, More beer, More beer. (More beer!) That you should eat one too. 359 More Beer Mount Bonnell (To: Amazing Grace, Everytime the singer fin- I love my MOM, I love my beer 358 (To: Blueberry Hill) ishes a verse with "more beer", the pack should But If I had to choose, Mother Hash shout, "More beer!") That drunken whore, It's me she bore, I had my fill, But I still choose more beer. (More beer!) If you're adventure hungry, On Mount Bonnell, Chorus And your yuppie life is sad. On Mount Bonnell, A nice cold beer, A nice cold beer, And you've a yen to be a jungly, When I had you. How sweet it sounds. How sweet it sounds. and leave everything you have. To save a drunk like me. To save a drunk like me. The moon stood still, I finished ONE, but I'm not done, I finished 6, I've had my fix, Chorus On Mount Bonnell, More beer, More beer, More beer. (More beer!) Now you all must drink more beer. (More beer!) You wanna run away, And lingered until, Sing a song, you wanna get smashed! Myself came true. I love my wife, I love my beer, (This last part is good by itself, especially when And call it a day come on a long, But if I had to choose. slow service is had from the pub or biermeister.) And join the Mother Hash. Tho' we're apart, My dear old wife, I've loved for life, I'm a part of you still, Would most undoubtedly lose. More beer, mo-ore beer, Refrain For you weren't on the pill, More beer, more beer, Fifty years we've been runnin', On Mount Bonnell. A nice cold beer, More beer, mo-ore beer, mo-ore beer. Jungle, shiggy, and swamp, How sweet it sounds. More be-er, mo-ore beer, Fifty more years we'll be runnin' 360 To save a drunk like me. More be-er, mo-ore beer, Happy Birthday, on-on-on! Mouthful of Singha I finished off 2, but I'm not through, More beer, mo-ore beer, more beer. (To: A Spoonful of Sugar) More beer, More beer, More beer. (More beer!) (continue as needed) We don't care if nobody loves you. No one to stir your tea-he-he-he. Chorus I love my truck, I love my beer We don't care if you've got no money, Just a mouthful of Singha makes the jism go But if I had to choose, Money is the root of e-e-vil. down, I'd sell my 4-by-4, which I do adore. 357 The jism go down, the jism go down, For beer I'd walk-to the store. Morgan's Pies Chorus Just a mouthful of Singha makes the jism go (To: Jingle Bells) down, In the most delightful way. A nice cold beer, Anybody can join us,

How sweet it sounds. Dashing down the road, Black, brown, yellow, or blue. To save a drunk like me. With a cooler full of pies, And nobody need feel nervous, A young girl feathering her nest, I finished 3, I have to pee It's a heavy load, We even take white folks too. Has very little time to rest, More beer, More beer, More beer. (More beer!) But it's for us guys. She must make each and every short time count, And though she'd like to go to bed, Refrain She knows she must give head, I love to fuck, I love my beer Chorus Oh, Morgan's pies, Morgan's pies, But she knows a swig, But If I had to choose, Chorus It's beer for me, unless she tastes, Morgan, you're a dick. Will help it slide down quick. Like beer, more beer, more beer. (More beer!) When we eat your fucking pies, We gety fucking sick. He didn't want to be a boy, A nice cold beer, That's why he is now a katoey, How sweet it sounds. I ate a Morgan pie, Preying on drunken tourists late at night, To save a drunk like me. A down-down I did do, And though his rear end isn't funny, I finished 4, but still want more, Now I've got that fucking pie, He knows he'll make his money, More beer, More beer, More beer. (More beer!) Caked upon my shoe. Giving head on the beach, I love my dog, I love my beer, With something to stop that retch. But if I had to choose, His moped has arrived, A young man trying to get along, I'd sell my pet, to-o the vet, Fiesta time is right, Had better not do any wrong, A dog for beer, more beer. (More beer!) What fun it is to eat and puke, If he wants to make chief on a western boat, Some Morgan's putrid pies. And though he's bought the boss some drink, A nice cold beer, And tipped his wife the wink, How sweet it sounds. We sing this little song, He'll find in the end, To save a drunk like me. We sing it just for you, He's still sucking a bell-end. I finished 5, I'm still alive, Now we think it's only right, A young wife won't get very far, You'll hear the maggots cryin' out, Glug, glug, glug, glug... If she can't get that brand new car, Wheeee-aaaaah-wheeee, (All slowly) But hubby, the old miser, won't give in, "You're on your fuckin' own." I sing like Michael Jackson... Run the Hash cos' I wanna go home. But she knows she'll soon have those keys, Oh, shit I'm going to jail, going to jail,... As she gets down on her knees, 363 365 You shouldn't drink and drive, Music Man I preach like Pope John Paul My Dead Hash But with jism it's alright. Bless you , bless you, bless you son, bless you (To: My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean) I am the music man, son, bless you This little tune was written in response to a 361 I come from down your way, son...(putting hands in beer and sprinkle others) number of hashers who voiced strong opposi- Mrs. Puggy Wuggy And I can play. tion to the idea of a USA Nash Hash. It was Pack: What can you play? I dance like Gene Kelly... done in jest, although there were some strong Mrs. Puggy Wuggy has a square cut punt. I play the viola. I'm singing in the rain... opinions on the matter expressed on the internet Not a punt cut square, Pack: How does it go? (Continue lead-in to "Singing in the Rain") by those opposing a Nash Hash in the U.S. The Just a square cut cunt. (with gestures) event was held to low attendence in 1998, but It's round in the stern and blunt in the front, Vio-vio-vio-la, vio-la, vio-la, 364 continued in 2000 despite the opposition. This Mrs. Puggy Wuggy has a square cut punt. Vio-vio-vio-la, vio-vio-la. My Big Banana was written to show how silly and political (To: Daylight Come and I Want to Go Home. some hashers can become. 'hash-l' is one of the 362 I am the music man, Get the pack to do the line: "Run the Hash cos' I internet hash lists, mostly U.S.participation. Municipal Sewerage Man I come from down your way, wanna go home." "My Dead Whore" parody. (To: Ghostriders in the Sky) And I can play. Pack: What can you play? I said to my girl, "What are ya' doin' tomor- I saw a dead hash on the hash-l, The municipal sewerageman stood out upon the I play the piccolo. row?" I knew right away it was dead. rim, Pack: How does it go? Run the Hash cos' I wanna go home. No seal of approval from ZiPpY, ('Pon the rim, 'pon the rim), Pick-a-pick-a-pick-a-low, pick-a-low, pick-a- Would you like to go on the Hash in ______? You shouldn't go to it, he said (he said), The municipal sewerageman fell in and couldn't low, Run the Hash cos' I wanna go home. You shouldn't go to it, he said. swim, Pick-a-pick-a-pick-a-low, pick-a-low-a-low. So, I picked her up in my little auto. (Couldn't swim, couldn't swim), Vio-vio-vio-la, vio-la, vio-la, Run the Hash cos' I wanna go home. Chorus He sank down to the bottom, Vio-vio-vio-la, vio-vio-la. She sure looked pretty, I said "Oh mama." Bring back, bring back, He sank down like a stone, Run the Hash cos' I wanna go home. Oh, bring back my Nash Hash to me (to me!) You could hear the maggots cryin' out, (Continue adding as above thefollowing verses:) Bring back, bring back, "You're on your fuckin' own." Chorus Oh bring back my Nash Hash to me. I play the German horn... Day-oh, Da-a-a-ay-oh, Chorus German-German-German-horn,... Run the Hash cos' I wanna go home. I saw the Nash Hash in the message, Shitty-i-ayyy, Shitty-i-ohhh, Day-oh, Da-ay-oh-Da-a-oh-Da-a-oh, It looked like a great place to be. Ghost maggots in the overflow, I play the Sexyphone... Run the Hash cos' I wanna go home. But Swamp Bitch said Pike's Peak was better, (Overflow, overflow). Sexy-sexy-sexy-phone... "It's not a real choice to me." (She said!) For six long days and weary nights he tried to But this is where my troubles began-ah. "It's not a real choice to me!" stay afloat, I play the Piano Run the Hash cos' I wanna go home. (Stay afloat, stay afloat), Pia, pia, piano, piano, piano... That's when she spotted my big banana. The Nash Hash looked like a real goner, But every time he cried for help, Run the Hash cos' I wanna go home. Some tried to say it was tradition. A turd caught in his throat, I play the Trombone She leaned over and grabbed my banana. But Flying B., Cold Cuts and others, (In his throat, in his throat), Trom, trom, trombone, trombone, trombone... Run the Hash cos' I wanna go home. Said what they propose is sedition (sedition!) He sank down to the bottom, Peeled back the skin--eyes like a piranha. What they propose is sedition! He sank down like a rock, Run the Hash cos' I wanna go home. You could hear the maggots, I sing like Michael Jackson... Holy shit my hair's on fire, hair's on fire... So Birmingham hashers were given, Munchin' on his cock. The facts as they came from hash-l. The moral of this story is if you should shovel I said, "Oh no, not my prize banana!" They laughed so hard beer spewed forever, shit, I sing like Grace Kelly... Run the Hash cos' I wanna go home. For all of the whinners, to hell. (to hell!) (Shovel shit, shovel shit), Holy shit the brakes don't work, brakes don't But she bit off the top in a violent manner. For all of the whinners, to hell! Be careful of your footing, work... Run the Hash cos' I wanna go home. So if you send flyers to hash-l, Or you might end up in it, Now, I've got just a little banana. Make sure that you ask the right guys. (Up in it, up in it), I sing like Michael Jackson... Run the Hash cos' I wanna go home. ZiPpY and F. B. and Cold Cuts, You'll sink down to the bottom, Here here little boy, little boy... And that's the end of my family planner. And make sure that they thought it up (Slowly...) Run the Hash cos' I wanna go home. (upchuck!) You'll sink down like a stone, I act like Nataile Wood And make sure that they thought it up! Susan McDougal and Gennifer Flowers, Her head's connected with rubber bands. My sister-in-law is a Hasher, Now the USA Nash Hash did happen, Horny young interns who while 'way the hours, She lays trails year out and year in, Regardless any list whinner. Profits from futures that Hillary brings, She might not live the night, But when she lays hounds in the bushes, Thank 'G' that the whiners were missing, These are a few of my favorite things. That means she won't fight. My God how the money rolls in. It made the Nash Hash that much finer (finer!) My girl lives in an iron lung, It made the Nash Hash that much finer! Beating the draft board and getting elected, But she can still give real good tongue. My Grandad sells cheap prophylactics, Naming to judgeships some hacks I've selected, And punctures the teats with a pin. 366 Conspiracy theories that blame the right wing, My girl has leprosy, For Grandma gets rich from abortions, My Favorite Presidential Things These are a few of my favorite things. Parts are always landing on top of me. My God how the money rolls in. (To: My Favorite Things) Golfing with Vernon and suborning perjury, She had an episiotomy, Uncle Joe is a registered plumber, Blow jobs and land deals in backwater places, Falling down drunk that required knee surgery That's a bigger hole for me. His business in holes and in tin. Big Macs and french fries and girls with big Stars in the White House who come here to He'll plug up your hole for a tanner, faces, sing, She can not hear, she can not see, My God how the money rolls in. Lots of nice cleavage that makes willie spring, These are a few of my favorite things. But she's got an oral cavity. These are a few of my favorite things Meeting with Boris and Helmut and Tony, Aunt Mary makes deals with the milkman, States of the Union with lots of baloney, 368 The mailman and newsboy named Ben. Chorus Winning debates and the joy of my flings, My God How the Money Rolls In For a piece of pie and Aunt Mary, When that Jones bites, These are a few of my favorite things. (To: My Bonnie Lies over the Ocean) My God how the money rolls in. When Ken Starr stings, When I'm feeling sad, 367 Usually performed with hashers taking turns Uncle Tommy was once in a prison, I simply remember my favorite things, My Girl's a Vegetable solo on the verses, then the pack joining togeth- Where he was a joy to the men, And then I don't feel so bad. (To: My Girl's a Corker, She's a New Yorker) er on the chorus. The lower voices should sing Now he bends over for business, the echos in parentheses. My God how the money rolls in. Continued…. My girl's a vegetable, She lives in a hospital. My father makes book on the corner, Aunt Joan keeps a girl's seminary, My mother makes illicit gin. Teaching young girls to begin. Chorus My sister sells kisses to sailors, She doesn't say where they will finish, I'd do most anything, My God how the money rolls in. My God how the money rolls in. To keep her alive. Chorus Uncle Harry is carving out candles, She has no arms or legs, Rolls in (rolls in), rolls in (rolls in), From wax that is surgically soft. She looks like a pony keg. My God how the money rolls in (rolls in). He hopes it'll fill up the gap, Rolls in, rolls in, rolls innn-in, If ever his business is off. My girl has long blond hair, My God how the money rolls in. It's in patches here and there. My cousin's a Harley Street surgeon, My mother's a bawdy house keeper, With instruments long, sharp and thin. I'm always guaranteed a blow, Every night when the evening grows dim. He only does one operation, Because she can't say no. She hangs out a little red lantern, My God how the money rolls in. My God how the money rolls in. She's got a new TV, They call it an EKG. My sister's a barmaid in Sydney, I've lost all me cash on the horses, For a shilling she'll strip to the skin. I'm sick from the illicit gin. Her EKG does not rise, She's stripping from morning to midnight, I'm falling in love with me sister, But she still spreads her thighs. My God how the money rolls in. My God what a mess I am in. My brother-in-law is a Hasher, She can't get out of bed, Who wanders around the hash bar, I've lost my way off of the hash trail, Still she can give me head. He's picking up business for sister, I can't find the beer at the end. My God how the money rolls in. I've got to spot flour by nightfall, She's got no arms or legs, My brother's a poor missionary, My God will you please let this end! She's got two wooden pegs. He saves fallen women from sin. He'll save you a blonde for a guinea, 369 She has no feet or hands, My God how the money rolls in. My Grandfather's Cock (To: My Grandfather's Clock) And down where the short hairs grow, I said, "You fat twat, you just shat in my hat," My Grandfather's cock was too long for his His kisses grew sweeter, Chorus She said, "I don't give a fuckero." pants, He pulled out his Peter, Roll back, roll back, And it dragged several feet on the floor, And whitewashed my little red rose. Please roll back my foreskin for me, for me. My girlfriend Maria, she's got gonorrhea, It was longer by half than the old man himself, Roll back, roll back, She gave it to me, amigo, And it weighed near a hundredweight more. 372 Please roll back my foreskin for me. I said, "You fat twat, you gave me the clap," He's a horn on the morn of the day he was born, My Mother-in-Law She said, "I don't fucking well care O." It was always his pleasure and pride, My body lies over the ocean, But it dropped shrank, never to rise again, One night in gay Paree, My body lies over the sea. Aye, aye, aye, aye, When the old man died. I paid five francs to see, My father lies over my mother, Me and my blobby dickero, A big fat French lady, And that's how they created me. I said, "You fat twat, you just gave me the clap," Chorus Tattooed from head to knee, She said, "I don't fucking well care O." Ninety years without cracking it, And on her jaw was a British man-o-war. 374 What a cock! What a cock! And on her back was a Union Jack, My One Tit Hangs Down to My Two Tit 376 He spent his life whacking it, So I paid five francs more. (To: My Bonnie Lies over the Ocean. Appropri- Naming Song What a cock! What a cock! ate for Harriettes. Gesture appropriately for (By Smoking Wiener, To: American Pie) But it dropped, shrank, never to rise again, And running up and down her spine, each line.) When the old man died. Was the BHB in line, Substitute a person who is being named in the And on her lily-white bum, My one tit sags down with my two tit, blanks. Appropriate to sing to someone who has My grandfather's cock was too long for his Was a picture of the Rising Sun, My belly sags down when I pee. been injured on their first few trails before nam- strides, And on her fanny, My fat ass sags down when I squat-shit, ing or suffered some other consequence. Feel So he lent it to the woman next door, Was Al Jolson singing "Mammy" My pussy sags down to my knee, free to substitute local hasher names for the She grabbed it by the point, and pulled it out of How I loves her, how I loves her, ones given. joint, How I loves my mother-in-law. Chorus So he swore he'd never lend it any more. Bring back, bring back, About Five, Five Hashes ago... I loves my mother-in-law, Bring back my big tit to me, to me. I can still remember how, He's a horn on the morn of the day he was born, She's nothing but a dirty old whore, Bring back, bring back, Those that made me cum all talked awhile. It was always his pleasure and pride, She nags me day and night, Oh, bring back my big tit to me, to me. And I knew that with each hash,That I could But it dropped shrank, never to rise again, And I can't do shit all right, My body lies over the ocean, give them my strange rash, When the old man died. She's coming home today, My body lies over the sea. And maybe they'd all smile and laugh. 370 But I hope she stays away, My father lies over my mother, But February made me shiver, My Kind of Girl Now isn't it a pity, And that's how they created me. With each hash I'd quiver, (To: British Grenadier) She's only one titty, Shiggy on the doorstep, And she's in the family way. 375 Getting myself all wet. I like the girls who say they will, My Sombrero I can't remember if I lied, I like the ones who won't, Last night I greased the stairs, (To: Frito Bandito) About those habits I need to hide, I hate the girls who say they will, Put tin-tacks on the chairs, But I felt something deep inside, And then they say they won't. I hope she breaks her back, My sister Belinda, she pissed out the winda, The day Just ______died. But of all the girls I like the best, Because I do love wearing black. All over my favorite sombrero, So... I may be wrong or right, I said, "You fat twat, you pissed on my hat," Are the girls who say they never will, She drinks all my brandy, She said, "I don't fucking well care O." Chorus But look as though they might. And makes my dog feel randy, Die, Die Just ______Die, How I loves her, how I loves her, Aye, aye, aye, aye, me and my soggy sombrero, Ran through all the shiggy, but the shiggy was 371 How I loves my mother-in-law. I said, "You fat twat, dry, My Little Pink Panties You just pissed on my hat," Them good ol' Hashers were drinkin beer and 373 She said, "I don't fucking well care O." high, I wore my panties, My One Skin Hangs Down to My Two Skin Singing "This'll be the day Just ______dies, My little pink panties, (To: My Bonnie Lies over the Ocean) My sister Margarita, she come all excreta, This'll be the day Just ______dies. And he wore his G.I. shorts. And shit in my bessy sombrero, He began to caress me, Usually harriers only. Gesture as if holding a I said, "You fat twat, you shit in my hat," Did you short cut on the Hash, And then he undressed me, penis, with the gesture getting lower each line. She said, "I don't give a fuckero." And do have this nasty Rash, What a thrill we had in store, My one skin hangs down to my two skin, Antibiotics Shot in your assss? He played with my titties, My two skin hangs down to my three, Aye, aye, aye, aye, Now do you believe in shiggy? My little pink titties, My three skin hangs down to my foreskin, Me and my shitty sombrero, How can this trail be so shitty? My foreskin hangs down to my knee. And can you teach me 'bout rocket shitty? Well I know your in real deep, The day Just ______died. She was as pure as the West Virginia sky. -deedle-dum), 'Cause I saw you hashing in your sleep, He (she) was singing... I find his femur slips right in. Y'all kicked off your shoes. But there came the city slicker with his thou- Most girls like their guys aware (deedle-deedle- Man, I dig that On-In news, I met a hash drinking Red, White and Blue, sand dollar bills, deedle-dum),Me, I prefer Joe's lifeless stare I was a lonely drinker in a rut, And I asked for some better brew. He put Nancy in his Packard and drove up in (deedle-deedle-deedle-dum), With dirt cheap beer and a big ole gut, But they just laughed and said go screw. them thar hills, Don't you call me a ghoul (deedle-deedle-deedle But I knew that I was getting fucked, I went down to the sacred chest, Oh, they stayed up in the mountain, -dum), The day Just ______died. Looking for Milwaukee's best, She was laid up in the mountain, Just 'cause my Joe's real cool! I started singing... But the hash said drink it on down, Oh, they stayed up in the mountain all that Each time I pass the mortuary gate, And in the circle hashers creamed, night, My vagina starts to lubricate. Now for five hashes maybe more, As they all, my new name screamed, She came down next mornin' early more a wom- And my cum dried on some old whore, But no traditions were broken, an than a girl, My name is Phil (deedle-deedle-deedle-dum), But that's just how it used to be. I drank the swill without chokin, And her mother kicked the hussey out of sight. I likes my wimmen still (deedle-deedle-deedle- When the time came for his naming, Of the three things I place as tops: dum), Someone started his defaming, The malt, grain and the hops, Slow I whack off in (deedle-deedle-deedle-dum), In a rejoice that came from you and me. Of them I left no drops,The day Just _____ died. Now to end our little ditty finds Nancy in the An occupied coffin. Oh, and while the Hash was looking down, And they were singing... city, I love wrinkly wimmen (deedle-deedle-deedle- On a name they did start to pound, (Sing chorus twice.) An by all accounts she's doin' might swell, dum), The discussion was adjourned, For she's winin', Who are over sixty-five (deedle-deedle-deedle- The hasher was returned. And she's dinin', dum), And while Stray Dog read a book on Hash, 377 And she's on her back reclinin', Especially if they died (deedle-deedle-deedle- The circle dug through the trash, Nancy Brown And those West Virginia skies can go to hell. dum), And we name you with this bash,The day Just At twenty-five! ______died. Way out in West Virginia lived a gal named Normal tempo Each day I try to copulate, We were singing... Nancy Brown, But there came the big depression caught our With my favorite deceased mate. You ain't never seen such beauty in a city nor a slicker by the pants, Hashing Shiggy in a summer swelter, town, He had to sell his Packard and give up his little My name is Mary (deedle-deedle-deedle-dum), The sun bore down, there was no shelter. Oh, she lived up in the mountain, Nance, I met my lover through an obituary (deedle- Five hashes done and cumming fast. Yes, she lived up in the mountains, So she went back to the mountain, deedle-deedle-dum), It landed foul on the grass, Oh, she lived up in the mountain mighty high, Yes she went back to the mountain, So what if he's dead (deedle-deedle-deedle- The hashers tried to make it last, And so it is related not a bit contaminated, Oh, she went back to the mountain mighty sore, dum), With Dogman on the sidelines in a cast. She was as pure as the West Virginia sky. Now the cowboy and the deacon get thing that At least he doesn't fart in bed. Now the hash air was a sweat perfume, they were seekin', I like his leathery skin (deedle-deedle-deedle- While hashers sang a drinking tune, Now there came the local cowboy with his gui- For she's nothing but a West Virginia whore! dum), We all got up to down down, tar and his song, I can poke it with a pin (deedle-deedle-deedle- And, then we saw a three-tit clown, He took Nancy to the mountain be she still 378 dum), Cause the hounds tried to take the hare. knew right from wrong, Necrophilia Song And when the worms come out his butt (deedle- The hare began to hurry, She came rollin' down the mountain, deedle-deedle-dum), Did you have to scurry? She came rollin' down the mountain, My name is Jack (deedle-deedle-deedle-dum), I feed them to the mutt! The day Just ______died. She came rollin' down the mountain mighty I'm a necrophiliac (deedle-deedle-deedle-dum), Every time I see a crematory urn, He (she) sang... fine. I fucks dead wimmen (deedle-deedle-deedle- My genitals begin to burn. And despite that cowboy's urgin' she remained dum), And the pack is all in one place. the village virgin. And I fills 'em full of jism. My name is Ron (deedle-deedle-deedle-dum), Not one Hasher lost in space. She was as pure as the West Virginia sky. I get frustrated (deedle-deedle-deedle-dum), I get a hard-on (deedle-deedle-deedle-dum), With no flour to start again. When they're cremated (deedle-deedle-deedle- When I see a redhead (deedle-deedle-deedle- So come on Hare be nimble Hare be quick. Then there came the village deacon with his dum), dum), Hare, come sit on my slick stick, phrases sweet and kind, Cause try as I must (deedle-deedle-deedle-dum), Who's deader than dead. 'Cause flour is your only friend, He took Nancy to the mountain but she still I can't fuck dust! You don't polka or waltz (deedle-deedle-deedle- And as I chased him on the trail, could read his mind, Each time I pass a cemetery gate, dum), The shiggy from my shoes I'd flail. She came rollin' down the mountain, I whip it out and masturbate. With a girl with no pulse (deedle-deedle-deedle- All hashers goin' to hell, She came rollin' down the mountain, dum), Fell under a drinkin' spell. She came rollin' down the mountain mighty My name is Judy (deedle-deedle-deedle-dum), I like my wimmen old (deedle-deedle-deedle- And as the Hashers sing into the night, fine. (Continued...) My favorite stiff's a beauty (deedle-deedle- dum), They pray that his naming's right, And they say that there deacon didn't get what deedle-dum), I prefer my wimmen cold! I saw New Hash Name Chugging with delight. he was seekin', Though his pecker's soft and thin (deedle-deedle Each time I pass a mausoleum, My shorts fill up with creaum. Most like their wimmen quick (deedle-deedle- I don't need a shovel to take a mouthful of, I'll be doing all the talkin' (talkin'), deedle-dum), Your cute little pubic hairs! While I sit on your face (your face). My name is Denise (deedle-deedle-deedle- Personally, the thought makes me sick (deedle- dum), deedle-deedle-dum), 420 Put your legs round my midriff (midriff), My man is deceased (deedle-deedle-deedle- I fairly dread (deedle-deedle-deedle-dum), Put Your Leg Over My Shoulder Let me ride somethin' real stiff (real stiff), dum), Sleeping with the Undead! (To: Side by Side) You know you will be real miffed (real miffed), I think it's wise (deedle-deedle-deedle-dum), Every time I see a hearse, If you miss out on the ride of your life (your To love a man who's demised. My akey-breaky balls ache worse. Harrier verses life). I broke into his tomb (deedle-deedle-deedle- (Continued...) (deep voice if sung by a harriettes) dum), My name is Mary Beth (deedle-deedle-deedle- Put your left leg over my shoulder, Turn me round to the other side (other side), Took him up to my room (deedle-deedle-deedle dum), Put your right leg over my shoulder, For a different sort of fun ride (fun ride), -dum), I'm actually into death (deedle-deedle-deedle- (Wag tongue) You know you won't slip and slide (slip and My mother Doris (deedle-deedle-deedle-dum), dum), La-la-la-la-la-laa, la-la-la-laa, la la laa. slide), Admires his rigor mortis! Once they're dead I don't get high (deedle- Put your left tit over my shoulder, When I've got you up on my back side (back Each time I pass the old graveyard,I find my deedle-deedle-dum), Put your right tit over my shoulder, side). nipples getting hard. I want them AS they die. (Shake head side to side) As they start to come (deedle-deedle-deedle- Bla-bla-bla-bla-blaa, bla-bla-blaa, bla bla blaa. Put your lips round my big toe (big toe), My name is Mitch (deedle-deedle-deedle-dum), dum), Suck me into erotic throes (erotic throes), And I dig a wealthy bitch (deedle-deedle-deedle I crush their windpipes with my thumb (deedle- Harriette verse in reply But you really, really must know (must know), -dum), deedle-deedle-dum), (falsetto if sung by a harrier) I don't get off on you sucking my big toe (big Not because she's really rich (deedle-deedle- While my lovers have death spasms (deedle- Put your left nut over my shoulder, toe). deedle-dum), deedle-deedle-dum), Put your right nut over my shoulder, But 'cause she's in a six-foot ditch. I enjoy multiple orgasms! (Move head in and out) Each time I pass a burial plot, 422 Most like their ladies hot (deedle-deedle-deedle- Humma-humma-hum-hummm, humma-hum- Queen Berets dum), It stimulates my G-spot. hummm, hum hum hummm (To: Ballad of the Green Berets) I rather fancy not (deedle-deedle-deedle-dum), My name is Earl (deedle-deedle-deedle-dum), Just in case you have forgotten (deedle-deedle- 421 Falling fairies from the sky, deedle-dum), Some people think I'm quite the churl (deedle- Put Your Legs Round My Shoulders deedle-deedle-dum), I broke a nail, Oh I could Cry! I prefer my wimmen rotten! (To: Put Your Head on My Shoulder) Don't you like how my tush sways? Each time I pass a funeral pyre, I once exhumed a little girl (deedle-deedle- deedle-dum), We are the fags of the Queen Berets. My libido catches fire. (Harriers) I love the way her toenails curl. Put your legs round my shoulders (shoulders), Clinton's words upon my ears, My name is Gertrude (deedle-deedle-deedle- I take satisfaction (deedle-deedle-deedle-dum), In advanced putrefaction (deedle-deedle-deedle- Let me lick your lips slowly (slowly), "You guys have rights, be proud my queers." dum), You know you are the only (only), I once was scared, now I'm okay, Now you may think this rather rude (deedle- dum), Her toothy grin and concave cheek (deedle- Hasher I let sit on my face (my face) Cause I'm a fag in the Queen Berets. deedle-deedle-dum), But I don't find it crude (deedle-deedle-deedle- deedle-deedle-dum), Her sexy decomposing reek! Put your lips on my sweet meat (sweet meat), Put silver ear clips on my nuts, dum), Cause you know that it's a real treat (real treat), To go down on a dead dude. Each time I pass a funeral wake, I love pain, now spank my butt, I grow a monster one-eyed snake. And you know you just can't beat (can't beat), The way you walk is awfully cute, He won't come in my mouth (deedle-deedle- The taste of my meat in your mouth (your deedle-dum), I sure would like to pack your chute! My name is Monique (deedle-deedle-deedle- mouth) His sex drive has gone south (deedle-deedle- deedle-dum), dum), This Army stuff is really slick, He won't take my money (deedle-deedle-deedle- I'm a necro-lesbo freak (deedle-deedle-deedle- Put your legs round my midriff (midriff), Free meals and clothes and lots of dicks. dum), dum), Cause I've got something real stiff (real stiff), When I retire, I still get paid, And he'll never call me Honey! I love vaginal cavities (deedle-deedle-deedle- And I know you'd be real miffed (real miffed), We thank you Bill, from the Queen Berets. Each time I hear a funeral dirge, dum), If you miss out on your chance (EAT SHIT!) I get the old carnal urge. Of expired celebrities. 423 Once in a very lusty mood (deedle-deedle- (Harriettes) Queen of All the Fairies My name is Paul (deedle-deedle-deedle-dum), deedle-dum), Put your legs round my shoulders (shoulders), My girl doesn't move at all (deedle-deedle- I dug up Natalie Wood (deedle-deedle-deedle- Let me suck your cock slowly (slowly), Oh, she was a cripple with only one nipple, deedle-dum), dum), Because you know you're not the only (only), To feed the baby on. It's not that she's frigid (deedle-deedle-deedle- I used a casket hoist (deedle-deedle-deedle- Guy I let sit on my face (my face). Poor little fucker, he's only one sucker, dum), dum), Put your lips on my sweet lips (sweet lips), To start his life upon. It's 'cause she's rigid. And found her still delectably moist! Let your tongue do the walkin' (walkin'), Twenty-one, never been done, 424 When I visit memorial parks, Fuck her defunct cunt, boys... Queen of all the fairies. Rajah of Aatrakhan My pussy starts emitting sparks. Shoo the flies off her thighs, guys... (To: When Johnnie Comes Marching Home) Pinch your nipples hard in the graveyard, girls... Ain't it a pity she'd only one titty, My name is Brucie (deedle-deedle-deedle-dum), Do your boffin' in a coffin, mates... To feed the baby on. There was a Rajah of Astrakhan, Yo ho, Yo ho, I'm weird and fey and swishy (deedle-deedle- Plant your pelvis on Elvis, girls... Poor little bugger, he'll never play rugger, A most licentious fucking man, Yo ho, yo ho, deedle-dum), Rub your slit on Sonny Stitt, girls... Nor grow up big and strong. Of wives he had a hundred and nine, My lover once was hetero (deedle-deedle-deedle Suck the dong of Mao Tse-Tung, girls... Including his favorite concubine, -dum), Sink your cable in Betty Grable, boys... Twenty-one, never been done, Yo ho, you buggers, yo ho, you buggers, But in death he's my special homo. Go to bed with the dead, Fred... Queen of all the fairies. Yo ho, yo ho, yo ho. I used to like to fist him (deedle-deedle-deedle- Use the staff of a stiff, girls... dum), The best of course is a corpse, boys... As he got older and bolder and bolder, One day when he had a hell of a stand, I could get my whole hand in (deedle-deedle- Get some authentic skull, mates... And took himself in hand, He called to a warrior, one of his band, deedle-dum), Jack off on old Jackie, boys... And flipped and flipped, Go down without wasting any time, But now he's overused (deedle-deedle-deedle- Shoot some creum in a mausoleum, boys... And flipped and flipped, Get me my favorite concubine. dum), That Kim Il Sung is sure hung, girls... To the tune of an army band. His rotting bum is simply huge! They tried him in the infantry, The warrior fetched the concubine, Each time I pass a sarcophagus, They tried him on the land and sea, A face like Venus, a face divine, I'm seized with homosexual lust. The poor little bugger had no success, The Rajah gave a significant grunt, 380 He left everything in a terrible mess, And rammed his penis up her cunt. My name is Manfred (deedle-deedle-deedle- Nellie Darling We see no hope for him unless, dum), (To: I Wish I Were an Oscar Meyer Wiener)

He joins the W.R.A.F. The Rajah's cries were loud and long, Sheep are so hot when they're dead (deedle- The maiden's cries were sure and strong, deedle-deedle-dum), Oh, your ass is like a stovepipe, Nellie Darling, Twenty-one, never been done, But just when all had come to a head, I hit and killed one on the road (deedle-deedle- And the nipples on your tits are turning green, Queen of all the fairies. They both fell through the fucking bed. deedle-dum), There's a thousand flies a' buzzing round your And I shot off a mother-load. pussy, Oh, you're the dirtiest, ugliest, rottenest, They hit the floor with a hell of a grunt, I keep my decomposing lambkin (deedle-deedle Fucking bitch I've ever seen. Which completely buggered the poor girl's cunt, -deedle-dum),Its starting to lose a lot of skin There's a yard of lint protruding from your na- And as for the Rajah's magnificent cock, (deedle-deedle-deedle-dum), vel, It never recovered from the shock. There's parts where you can see its skeleton When you piss, your piss a stream as green as (deedle-deedle-deedle-dum), And other parts I like to put my tongue in! grass, There is a moral to this tale, Every time I pass a farm, There's enough wax in your ear to make a can- There is a moral to this tale, My skivvies fill with juices warm. dle, If you would fuck a girl at all, So why not make one dear, and shove it up your Stand her right up against the wall. 379 a-a-a-ass? Necrophilia's Best 425 (To: Tie Me Kangaroo Down) Rawhide (To: Rawhide) Chorus Necrophilia's best, boys, Rollin', rollin', rollin, Necrophilia's best, (Fuck a cadaver!) My dick is gettin' swollen, Necrophilia's best, boys, I got this doggie rollin', Rawhide. Necrophilia's best. My knob is hard as leather, But I'll get it in whatever, I wish I could get the tip inside, Give head to the dead, girls, I stab but I keep missin', Give head to the dead, (Necrophilia!) This wasn't made for pissin', Give head to the dead, girls, I'm waiting for this year's first ride. Give head to the dead, (Everybody)

Chorus (Do the following verses as above) Pull 'em down, get 'em off, Get 'em off, pull 'em down, Do it lots 'fore she rots, boys... Pull 'em down, Get 'em off, Rawhide. Suck some decomposed toes, girls... Stroke her hips in a crypt, boys... 381 Can be accidental, 383 "I've had me a thousand men, Nelly 'Awkins So when he slips it in No Balls at All There's some go by and there's some go in, Make sure it has that latex skin And never come out again.," I first met Nelly 'Awkins down When he lets fly non gets by, Come you old drunkards give ear to my tale. The old Kent Road, Yes they all get caught up in the end. This short little story will make you turn pale. "You're a liar," said the first old whore, Her drawers were hanging down, This simple precaution It's about a young lady, so pretty and small, "Mine's as big as the air," She'd just been with Charlie Brown, Can prevent abortions, Who married a man who had no balls at all. "Why the sun could set in the crack of my cunt, I shoved filthy tanner in her, That why Durex is a girl's best friend. And never burn a pubic hair." Filthy rotten hand, 382 Chorus 'Cos she was a dirty old whore, Nice Girls Balls, balls, no balls at all 385 (To: All the Nice Girls Love a Sailor) She married a man, who had no balls at all. North Atlantic Squadron (Tune Change) All the nice girls like a candle, Chorus Oh, she wore no blouses, All the nice girls like a wick, How well she remembered, the night they were Away, away with fife and drum, And I wore not trousers, Because there's something about a candle, wed. Here we come, full of rum. And we both wore no underwear, That reminds them of a prick. She rolled back the sheet and crept into bed. Looking for women who peddle their bum, When she caressed me, Nice and greasy, slips in easy, She felt for his penis, how strange it was small. In the North Atlantic Squadron. She damn near undressed me, It's the surest way to joy. She fondled his sac, he had no balls at all. What a pleasure no man knows. It's been up the Queen of Saipan, When we arrived in Montreal, And it's going up again. I went to the doctor, he said, "Mommy, oh Mommy, oh pity my luck. She spread her legs from wall to wall. Where did you knock her, Syph ahoy, Syph ahoy. She took the Captain balls and all, I've married a man who's unable to fuck. I said down where the green grass grows, His tool bag is empty, his screwdriver's small. In the North Atlantic Squadron. He said in less than a twinkle, All the nice boys like a harlot, The impotent wretch, has got no balls at all." That pimple on your winkle, All the nice boys like a whore. A-sailing up and down the coast, Because there's something about a harlot, Will be bigger than a big red rose. "Daughter, my Daughter, now don't be a sap. Now, here's the thing we love the most: That they've never known before. To fuck the girls and drink a toast She'll be willing, for a shilling, I had the same trouble with your dear old Pap. Chorus There's many a man who'll come to the call. In the North Atlantic Squadron. Won't somebody make my rhubarb rise, And she'll pep you up, my boy. Well, off the coast of Labrador, But she'll leave you on the rocks,With a bloody Of the wife of the man who has no balls at all. Dada dada da da, We took on board a floating whore, Oh my rhubarb refuses to rise, good dose of pox. We fucked here forty times or more, Syph ahoy, Syph ahoy. The pretty young girl took her mother's advice. To it's natural size, And found the whole thing exceedingly nice. In the North Atlantic Squadron. Market gardening size, All the parsons like a choir boy, An eleven pound baby was born in the fall. Oh my rhubarb refuses to rise, But the poor little bastard had no balls at all. A-sailing up to Newfoundland, And my baby don't love me, All the parsons like a bum, Each sailor had his prick in his hand. Because there's something about a choir boy, My baby don't love me, Oh say, my boys, can you make it stand? Oh my baby don't love no more. That would make an angel cum. In the North Atlantic Squadron. Roll him over, sleep in clover. 384 (Continued...) None is Bigger Than Mine (Tune Change) It's a curate's only joy. And when our ship in drydock, I caught a dose of pox a year ago, And you needn't give a rap, The whores around us all do flock. a year ago, a year ago, a year ago. For you'll never catch the clap. Three old whores from Baltimore, It's every man unfurl your cock, I thought it was the clap and it would go, Syph ahoy, Syph ahoy. Were drinking sherry wine. In the North Atlantic Squadron. it would go, it would go. And one of them says to the other two,

The longer I waited, the worse it grew, "None is bigger than mine." Now I've got the galloping knob rot, Frigging on the rigging, What shall I do? Chorus Wanking on the planking, The other day I lost the starboard ball, So haul on the streets ye hearties, Masturbating on the grating, Starboard ball, starboard ball, starboard ball, Sprinkle the decks with brine. In the North Atlantic Squadron. And now the other one's begun to fall. Bend to the oars, you lousy whores, I'm sorry to say, I'm wasting away, None is bigger than mine. The Captain's name was Slugger, And soon I'll have no balls at all. He was a dirty bugger, "You're a liar," said the second old whore, On any bugger's lugger, (Tune Change) "Mine's as big as the sea," In the North Atlantic Squadron. To be screwed by a dude "The ships sail in and the ships sail out, Can be quite incidental With never a tickle to me." The First Mate's name was Paul, That's why Durex is a girl's best friend. He only had one ball, A poke with a bloke "You're a liar," said the third old whore, But he could shove it to the wall, In the North Atlantic Squadron. Serving menstrual stew and hymens fried in past my knee, semen, 'Twas on the China Station, I'm go-in to a Hashing , my true love for to see. The Second Mate's name was Andy, In the North Atlantic Squadron. To roars of approbation, I stroked all night the day I left, my pecker it His legs were long and bandy, We sunk a junk with mutual masturbation, was dry And he was pissing in the brandy, Another cook was O'Mally, In the North Atlantic Squadron. My cum so hot You'll freeze to death, Susanna, In the North Atlantic Squadron. He didn't dilly dally, don't you cry. When he cum he whitewashed half the galley, The Captain was elated, The Third Mate's name was Carter, In the North Atlantic Squadron. The Crew investigated, Chorus By God, he was a farter, Another cook was Herbert, He fell ill and had to be castrated, Oh! Susanna, Oh won't you cum with me, On windless days he'd start her, A gastronomical pervert. In the North Atlantic Squadron. For I come from Alabama with my shlong down In the North Atlantic Squadron. He whacks it off in the sherbet, past my knee. In the North Atlantic Squadron. And the ladies of the nation, The crew they were all whiney, Arose in indignation, I had a dream the other night, when everything They'd drink up all their winey, The Boatswain's name was Lester, Suffed his bum with gum in retaliation, was still; They wanted head but settled for hiney, When he was a hymen tester, In the North Atlantic Squadron. I thought I saw Susanna dear, a cumming on the In the North Atlantic Squadron. He'd leave his dick in to fester, hill. (Continued...) In the North Atlantic Squadron. So now we end this serial, My long hard snake was in her mouth, some One seaman's name was Morgan, Through sheer lack of material, cum was in her eye, He was a grisly Gorgon. The engineer was McTavish, We wish you luck from diseases venereal, Says I, I'm coming in your mouth, Susanna, All day long he stroked his organ, And young girls he did ravish. In the North Atlantic Squadron. don't you cry. In the North Atlantic Squadron. He's missing his tool for being lavish, In the North Atlantic Squadron. 386 I soon will be in New Orleans, and then I'll fool Another's name was Wiggun, O - Ducks around, By God he had a big 'un. A homo was the Purser, And when I find Susanna, I'll fuck her on the He whipped for cumming in the riggin', He couldn't have been worser, O see dem ducks on de bay, ground. In the North Atlantic Squadron. He asked the crew who said, "Oh, no sir." See how dey gamble and play. But if I do not find her, then I will surely die, In the North Atlantic Squadron. O see dem ducks. And when my cock is buried, Oh, Susanna, Another's name was Slater, See how dey teeter totter, don't you cry. He was a masturbator. Another one was Cropper, Out dere upon the water. He'd pump his stump and clean it later. Oh Christ he had a whopper. Don't you think dey hadn't oughter, In the North Atlantic Squadron. He put it up his bum for a stopper, On de Sabbath Day! O-Ducks. In the North Atlantic Squadron. The Captain's wife was Mabel, Whenever she was able. The cabin boy was Kipper, 387 She did the crew on the messroom table, A dirty little nipper, Ode to a Hasher In the North Atlantic Squadron. With glass in ass he circumcised the skipper, (To: Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star) In the North Atlantic Squadron. His mistress was called Charlotte, Starkle Starkle little twink, Who was born and bred a harlot, The ship's dog's name was Rover, Who the hell are you I think, Her long white legs were made scarlet, The whole crew did him over, I'm not as drunk as thinkle peep, In the North Atlantic Squadron. They'd ground hound from Canada to Dover, I'm just a little slort of sheep, In the North Atlantic Squadron. A few bruskies make a guy, The Captain's randy daughter, Fool so feelish, don't know why,Really don't Was swimming in the water, The ship's cat's name was Kitty, know who's me yet, Squeeled as eels entered her sexual quarter, His hole was black and shitty, The drunker i stay the longer I get, In the North Atlantic Squadron. Twat is twat the Captain showed no pity, So just one more to fill my cup, In the North Atlantic Squadron. I've all day sober to Sunday up. Then there was the Navigator, He was a fornicator, 'Twas in the Adriatic, After he fucked, her ate her, Where the water's almost static, 388 In the North Atlantic Squadron. The rise and fall of ass and ball was automatic, Oh! Susanna In the North Atlantic Squadron. (By Smoking Wiener. To: Oh! Susanna) The cook whose name was Freeman, Got a dose of clap in the Canaries, He was a dirty demon, In the North Atlantic Squadron. I come from Alabama with my shlong down 389 Well, when I met her I offered her a dime. The last time I seen her she was floating down Old Brown Cow She said, "You'll have to try some other time." the stream, Now Mary O'Toole a gynecologist had seen. (To: The Old Grey Mare) Well, when I met her I offered her a quarter. With a handful of money and a belly full of He opened her legs and peered in between. She said, "By God, I'm a cowpuncher's daugh- cream. He said, "When did you last have a check-up in The old brown cow went pffftz up against the ter." here?" wall, So that's my story of my search for tail, She said, "I've only had Hungarians for over a Pffftz up against the wall, pffftz up against the Well, when I met her I offered her a half. And I'm back punchin' cattle on the Old year." wall, She said, "God, dammit, I ain't no calf." Chisholm Trail. The old brown cow went pffftz up against the "Pilot Murphy to control tower, I want to come wall, Well, I went to her house, laid a dollar in her 391 in." And the wall was covered in shit, shit, shit! hand. Old Irish State "Control tower to Murphy, instructions begin. She said, "Young man, can you make him (To: Villikins and His Dinah) What's your height and position, you stupid old 390 stand?" runt?" Old Chisholm Trail I'll sing you a song of the old Irish race, "I be five-foot-nine tall and I be sitting in front." (To: Chisholm Trail) Oh, I took her by the waist and I throwed her And the problems these poor people must face. down, Mrs O'Leary buried her husband, but her friend Spoken: And my balls hit her ass before she touched the If you're asked who's got an IQ of 108, had found Old pioneers with great long ears, ground. It's the total points scored by the whole Irish That she'd left his bare arse sticking out of the They've lived in fields and ditches, state. ground. They fucked their wives with Bowie knives - Well I fucked her standing and I fucked her "Why'd you do that, I've never seen such like?" The dirty sons-a-bitches. lying, Chorus "Well, when I visit the grave, I can park me And I'd-a had wings I'd-a fucked her flying. With an urr urr urr, and an arr arr arr arr, bike." Sung: They come from a-near and they come from Come along boys, and listen to my tale, Well, when I hot up she called me "kid." afar, Well the Jews tell us that they're God's chosen I'll tell you of my troubles on the old Chisholm She said, "You'll remember me," and by God, I To hear our heroes and also to see, race. Trail. did. Who am the next one a-going to be. But it could have been our fair land in its place. For God went a searching, he looked all around. Chorus In about three days I began to feel sick, Now Patrick was screwing for over an hour But three wise men and a virgin just couldn't be Ti yi yip-pee yip-pee yay yip-pee yay, And my underwear stuck to the end of my dick. When he stopped and said to his girl in a glower found. Come a ti yi yip-pee yip-pee yay. "You've got nothing on top and nothing below."

The very next day my prick turned blue, She said, "Get off my back, you silly old crow." With my foot in the stirrup and my ass in the I got so scared, didn't know what to do. saddle, Now Sean was a student at the top of his form I gotta round up the sonofabitchin' cattle. I went to the doctor with my cock in my hand, "What's 4 and 4," said his mother, when he was

Said, "By God, doctor, it's the worst in the at home. They sent me to the boss just to get a little roll- land." "Seven," he replied, said his father with glee. er, He's such a clever lad, he only missed it by I thought I'd go to town to get some tallow on three. The Doc took a look and then said, "Cough," my pole-a. I coughed so hard, my balls fell off.

Mrs. Riley went shopping for anti-perspirant, Oh, I rode and I rode and I rode to the south. "For my husband," she said, "you know what I The doctor he rolled it with a little blue stone. Till my horse's old tongue hung out of his want." Says I, "goddamn you, doctor, let that alone." mouth. "It's the ball type you're after," said the shopgirl, Now every time I go out to pee, "I think" Blood and corruption come from me. "No, for under his armpits is where the bugger Now, little Fanny Walter was a nice fat squaw, She lived down by the Chickasaw. do stink." And every time I go out to piss,

I think of the gal who gave me this. "The defendant, did he rape you?" said the Well, when I met her I offered her a penny, She said, "I'm sorry but I haven't got any." judge to Anna. The last time I seen her, and I ain't seen her "Yes he did," she replied in her most demure since, manner. Well, when I met her I offered her a nickel, She was scratching her cunt on a barbed wire She said, "I am sorry but that wouldn't buy a "And to the best of your knowledge, did he have fence, a climax?""No, a Japanese Mazda, them be the tickle." facts." 392 Jugglers three... men. Under the smell of a durian tree. Old King Cole Two very fine balls... And he hummed and he stank, (To: Old King Cole) Throw your balls in the air said the jugglers... Drummers three... As he swallowed all that shiggy pit. A very fine drum... I'll never see the beer said he. Old King Cole was a merry old soul, Butchers three... Thump it right up to the stump said the drum- And a merry old soul was he. A very fine choppe... mers. Chorus He called for his wife and he called for his pipe, Put it on the block, chop it off said the butchers. Short-cutting bastards, And he called for his hashers three. Axemen three... Short-cutting bastards, Barmaids three... A very fine axe... I'll never short-cut again said he, Now every hasher had a very large thirst, A very fine cand... Chop it right back to the stump said the axemen. And he stank as he sank, And a very large thirst had he. Pull it out, pull it out, pull it out said the bar- And wallowed in that shiggy pit, Beer, beer, beer said the hashers, maids. Parsons three... Who'll come a wallowing, Merry, merry men are we. A very fine book... In hash with me. There's none so fair that can compare, Cyclists three... Goodness, gracious me said the parsons. With the hashers of H three. Two very fine pedal... Up jumped a kampung man, Round and round, round and round said the Ladies three... Screaming most hysterically. (Interruption between each verse.) cyclists. A very fine cat... You can't swim there, Tuan said he. Songmaster: How's your father? Come and pet my pussy said the ladies. That's my jolly shiggy-pit, Pack: ALL RIGHT! Flautist three... You've got in your underpants. Songmaster: How's your mother? A very fine flut... 393 That will cost you ringits, Pack: SHE'S TIGHT! Root diddly-oot, root diddly-oot said the flau- On Top of Old Sophie One, two, three. Songmaster: How's your sister? tist. (To: On Top of Old Smokie) Pack: SHE MIGHT! Out climbed the hasher, Songmaster: When was the last time? Painters three... On top of Old Sophie, Dripping very smellily, Pack: LAST NIGHT! A very fine brush... All covered with sweat. You'll never get your kitty from me. Songmaster: When is the next time? Wop it up and down, up and down said the I've used fourteen rubbers, And he squelched and he oozed, Pack: TONIGHT! painters. But she hasn't come yet. Over to a billabong. Songmaster: How's your asshole? Who'll come a wallowing, Pack: FULL OF SHITE! Horsemen three... In hash with me. For fucking's a pleasure, A very find saddle... and farting's relief. Old King Cole was a merry old soul, Ride it up and down, up and down said the But a long-winded lover, (Quietly) And a merry old soul was he. horsemen. Will bring nothing but grief. Now his voice may be heard, He called for his wife and he called for his pipe, As he runs the trail so lone-i-ly. And he called for his hares three, Carpenters three... Please, please, please come a running with me. She'll kiss you and hug you, A very fine hammer... But the pack far ahead, Say it won't take long. Was hiding very craftily. Now every hare had a very fine trail, Bang away, bang away, bang away said the But two hours later, And a very fine trail had he. carpenters. "Back to your shiggy pit and let us be!" You're still going strong. Let me take you in the bushes said the hares, So come all you lovers, Beer, beer, beer said the hashers, Surgeons three... And listen to me. 395 Merry, merry men are we. One Twat A very fine scalpel... Don't waste your erection, There's none so fair that can compare, (To: Guantanamera) Cut it round the knob, make it throb said the On a long winded she. With the hashers of H three. surgeons.

Fishermen three... For your root will just wither, One twat'll nail ya, (Accumulating lines and awarding down downs A very fine rod... And your passion will die. We tell ya one twat'll nail ya, to the songmaster that screws it up afterwards) Mine is two feet long said the fishermen, And she will forsake you, The other twats'll jail ya, And you'll never know why. Again we have to explain ya,

Fiddlers three...A very fine fiddle... Huntsmen three... Fiddle-diddle-dee, diddle-dee, said the fiddlers, A very fine horn... 394 We don' wan' your old nachos, Wake up in the morn with a horn said the hunts- Once a Bloody Hasher Just give us cock, muchas gracias, men. (To: Waltzing Matilda. Theme song for We wan' your hot jalapeno, Tailors three... shortcutting bastards everywhere.) Don' wan' your thoughts from the beano, Just wan' your hot jalapeno. A very fine needle... Coalmen three...

Stick it in and out, in and out said the tailors, A very fine sack- Once a bloody hasher, Want it in the front or the back said the coal- Jumped into a shiggy-pit, One twat'll nail ya, We tell ya one twat'll nail ya, There I cocked my left leg over, cog, The other twats'll jail ya, Marianne was smiling then, One day I got reading in, So, if you're dumb and your manners are a (masturbation gesture) Smiling still when the fuck was over. An old sky pilot's book, shocker, We tell ya one twat won' fail ya, About two strakers bastards, You could grow up to be an Ocker. One twat won' fail ya, Fucked her till her tits were flat, Who made the hood go crook. One twat won' fail ya. Filled her up with soapy water, They reckoned it was a serpent, A Kiwi is an animal that likes to fuck sheep, She won't get away with that, That made eve the apple take, He's so thick it makes you want to weep. 396 If she doesn't have twins then she really Cripes, that was no flaming serpent, He's so damn lazy that he lives on the dole, One on the Table 'oughter. 'Twas Adam's one-eyed trouser snake. He'd like to screw women, but he can't find their (To: Guantanamera) hole, Suddenly footsteps on the stairs, I met this arty sheila, So if you can't tell a ewe from a she, One on the table, Old man 'Riley bent on slaughter, Who I'd never met before, You could grow up to be Kiwi. There's only one on the table, Bloody great pistol in his hand, And something kind of told me, One on the ta-ble, Looking for the one who fucked his daughter. She banged like a dunny door. A Limey is an animal who travels around, There's only one on the table. I said, "Come up and see me etching", He takes his sheep on any grassy mound. He fired the pistol at my head, She said, "I hope it's not a fake." He's so damn smart or one would think, Two on the table! Missed me by an inch and quarter, I said, "Its real, and a work of art. According to him, his shit don't stink, There's only two on the table, Hit his daughter Marianne, It's my one-eyed trouser snake." So if your vain and your dick is very tiny, Two on the ta-ble, Right in the place where she passes water. You could grow up to be a Limey. There's only two on the table. So come all you little sheilas, etc... I grabbed O'Riley by the hair, And listen to me some, Shoved his head in a bucket of water, The moral of the trouser snake, 397 Rammed his pistol up his ass, Is short as it is long, One-Eyed Riley A damn sight quicker than I fucked his daugh- Beware of imitation, ter. Don't lock your bedroom door, When I was sitting by the fire, When my pajama python bites you, Drinking whiskey, passing water, Old man Riley's dead and gone, You'll be screaming out for more. Suddenly a thought come to my mind, Shall we bury him? Not fucking likely, 399 I'd like to fuck O'Riley's daughter. We'll nail him to the shithouse door, Or Would You Rather Be A? And there we'll bugger him twice nightly. (To: Swinging on a Star) Chorus A Pom is an animal that drinks warm beers, Giddy-eye-eye, giddy-eye-oh Come you virgins, maidens fair, He winces at everything he hears. Giddy-eye-eye, for the one-eyed Riley, Answer me quick and true not slyly. He wears a bowler, eats fish and chips, Rough 'em up, stuff em up, balls and all, Do you want it straight and square, He never showers so he stinks like shit, Hey jig-a-jig-eye-oh. Or the way I gave it to one eyed 'Riley? So, if you're dirty and smelling quite strong, (Play it on your old base drum) You could grow up to be a Pom. 398 Her hair was black, her eyes were blue, One-Eyed Trouser Snake Chorus The Colonel, the Major, and the Captain sought Or would you rather prop up a bar? her, Oh, I got a little creature, Drinking Singhas out of a jar? The regimental goat and the drummer boy too, I suppose you'd call him a pet, And be better off than you are? But they never had a fuck with O'Riley's daugh- And if there's something wrong with him, Or would you rather be a ______? ter. I don't have to see the vet. A Yank is an animal that don't know jack shit, Jack O'Flanagan is my name, He goes everywhere that I go, He's got no humor and no wit. I'm the king of copulation, Whether sleeping or awake. His beer's like water and he talks too much, Drinking beer my claim to fame, God help me if I ever lost, He don't even know that a fanny's a crutch, Fucking women my occupation. Me one-eyed trouser snake. So if you can't tell a jackoff from a wank, Walking through the town one day, You could grow up to be a Yank.

Who should I meet but O'Riley's daughter, Chorus Never a word to her did say, Oh, me one-eyed trouser snake, An Ocker is an animal with corks in his hat, But "Don't you think we really 'oughter?" Oh, me one-eyed trouser snake. He'd rather drink piss than tickle twat. God help me if I ever lost, He's got a roo for a rabbit and a dingo for a dog, Up the stairs and into bed, Me one-eyed trouser snake. He wishes he could think, but he's missing a 400 I laughed at your pussy fart sound, Despite all the doctors say. From our pockets was a dime. Oral Sex Remember that night in the stairwell, We put our heads together, (To: Oklahoma) When we thought there'd be no-one around. 404 And thought that we could scrounge, (break) The Out of Towner The money it would take, O...... ral sex is every, I hope you're enjoying the sucking, (To: The Battle of New Orleans) To get a beer inside the lounge. Hasher's dream come true! I swear I won't cum in your mouth, With my lips so sweet, I promise I'll look you Darlin, We jumped into our auto, We packed our bags and loaded up, Upon his meat, Next time that I'm headed down south, And we headed out of town, To get away from there, In a moment he'll begin to spew! Thank you mam, what a pleasure it's been, Why were you born so beautiful, When someone in the crowd yelled out, Could you tell me your Hashname again? (as You better drink it down. "We found some more cold beer!" O...... ral sex, every night, you go) We pulled into the parking lot, We couldn't leave the ice cold beer, My Honey-Lamb and I, Down on me, I'll be all right, It didn't take us long, 'Cause it would be a sin, Practice 69, Down on me, and I will sleep well tonight. To jump out of our autos, We downed our beer and started home, And it's so fine, And sing this bloody song. But wound up at an inn. That it brings a tear to my eye. (repeat chorus twice) 405 Chorus Over the River And Through the Woods Oral sex with a Hasher is grand, 402 We found cold beer, (To: Over the River And Through the Woods) 'Cause a tongue is more fun than a hand! Ou Est le Papier? So we all began a'drinkin', Over the river and through the woods, (To: Marseillaise) The beer was pretty tasty, Down the hashing trail we go; So when I saaay, So we thought we'd have some more. This trail really sucks, Yippee Yippee Oh I Aaaa, A Frenchman went to the lavat'ry, The hours passed by, The pack's out of luck, That means I'm having, To have him a jolly good shit, And we kept on bloody drinkin', Why are we in Mexico? Oral Sex with a Hasher, He took his coat and trousers off, We're not leavin' till we're heavin', Over the river and through the woods, Oral sex, O-R-A-L-S-E-X, So that he could revel in it. And we've passed out on the floor. Down the hashing trail we go; Oral sex is, OK! But when he reached for the paper, If we find the hare, He found that someone had been there before, We met up with the hashers, We'll strip him all bare, "Ou est le papier?" Who invited us to here, And into the creek he will go! 401 To fornicate and copulate, Orlandos InterAmericas Hash Song Ou est le papier? Monsieur, monsieur, J'at fait manure. And drink their bloody beer. Over the river and through the woods, (To: Come Monday) We kissed and hugged the hashers, Ou est le papier? Down the hashing trail we go; Who had come from near and far, If we find the On-In, Headed out to Orlando, We heard the cries of "On On", The Down-Downs begin, For the Labor day InterHash, 403 Coming from a distant bar. A singin' and drinkin' show. I've got my muddy shoes on, Over the river and through the woods, I guess I never was meant for running mara- Our GM (To: From the Halls of Montezuma) The hares had just departed, Down the hashing trail we go; thons. And had started laying trail, We'll pass 'round the jug, Hey fellows, I didn't know, There's a man we call our GM, When the cops surrounded us, And fill up our mug, But If she's willing to go, And said we all are goin' to jail. As the beer and the whisky flow. Down on me, I'll be all right, Who's brave & fine & mad, And we'll follow him forever, We climbed into the paddy wagon, Down on me, and I will sleep well tonight. Locked inside the cavern, Though his mental state is bad. Over the river and through the woods, But when the doors flew open, Down the hashing trail we go; Chorus We'll run for him in sunshine, We were at another tavern. I asked her for sex, I've spent four awesome days, (And the hares laughed so!) She said I was next, In the shiggy Everglades, We'll run for him in rain, Though we know he's got a swelling, We circled up for Down Downs, After Larry, Curley and Moe. And I just want to drink some more beer! And to sing another song, Over the river and through the woods, Yes, it's been quite a weekend, On the front part of his brain. When something started telling us, Down the hashing trail we go; Empty Kegs and piss in the pool, There must be something wrong. Oh, he may have little black-outs, She wanted a bed, And now we're off to the hot tub, Our bellies started growling, I asked for some head, For Jammies toe sucking school. But they're only fairly slight, They they needed liquid grub, He has moments of depression, She obliged me with a blow. Hey Darlin, it's hard don't you know, So we put away the food, That's the reason I need you to go, When the Hares don't get it right. And went to chug inside the pub. Over the river and through the woods, Down on me, and I'll be all right, Down on me, and I will sleep well tonight. He's got all the classic symptoms, Down the hashing trail we go; We went on to the On On On, I tripped on a rock, Of advanced mental decay, To have a rowdy time, Still we'll kill ourselves for GM, And busted my cock, I can't help it Honey, But all that we could gather, It needs Viagra to grow. Over the river and through the woods, I too heard the rumour a harriette, For he jumped in beside her and started to ride Us horny sons of bitches. Down the hashing trail we go; RJ's pecker got down and ate, her, When you can't have sex, I hate to disappoint you all, And noo that wee lassie's the Whore of Dun- At Pike's Peak, we got no fears, And your girl is your ex, But twasn't me who had a "ball", bane. We do not stop at trifles, Give your thumb and fingers a go. In fact I heard the very same gossip, We hang our balls on the walls, And put it down to just a fib. Noo all the little angels are sent, are sent up, And shoot at them with rifles. 406 Noo all the little angels are sent up on high. Paper Hash Marks Anyway when all is said and done, Which end up? Ass end up. We scrounge a cow and care not how, (To: Paper Roses) I must admit I like to have fun, Which end up? Ass end up. The shit sticks to our britches, But I am choosy about whose dick, All the little angles ass end up on high. And fetch a bull and fill him full, I re-al-lize the way your trail de-ceived me, Gets the privliledge of a peck and pick, Us horny sons of bitches. With several BT's I mistook for trail. And as much as I like old RJ, So take a-way the false trail that you left me, Twasn't me got down on him that day 411 We fuck our wives with butcher knives, And lay the kind that leads to the beer pail. Pike's Peak Hashers And keep their cunts in stitches, I was far too busy getting it on, (To: Son of a Gambolier) But VD makes it hurt to pee, Chorus With someone other than R. Jon, Us horny sons of bitches. Pa-per Hash Marks, Pa-per Hash Marks, So the moral of the story thus, Us Pike's Peak hashers are dirty flashers, Oh how real those hash marks seemed to me. I can't understand all this fuss, We piss through leather britches, But they're on-ly, Pa-per Hash Marks, About someone getting a blow job, We wipe our ass with broken glass, Like your imitation trail for me. And a harriette who got a sore gob. Us horny sons of bitches.

Your pretty trail looked warm and so ap-peal- 409 When cunt is rare, we fuck a bear, ing, People in Pink Tutus We knife him if he snitches, But it was "Bad!", I shouted with a tear. (To: The Wonderful Thing About Tiggers) We knock our cocks against the rocks, Can't take another falsy so I'm plead-ing, Us horny sons of bitches. Start laying paper hash marks to the beer! The wonderful thing about people in pink tutus, People in pink tutus are a wonderful thing, We take our ass upon the grass, Their dicks are sheathed in rubber, In bushes or in ditches, 407 Their tampons have wonderful strings. Our two-pound dinks are full of kinks, Patriotic Song They're bouncy, wouncy, trouncy, flouncy, Us horny sons of bitches. Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun! Asshole, asshole, But the most wonderful thing about people in Without remorse, we fuck a horse, A soldier I would be, pink tutus is, And beat him if he twitches, I'm NOT the only one! Our two-foot pricks are full of nicks,Us horny To piss, to piss, sons of bitches. Two pistols on my knee. 410 Peri Periwinkle (To: Ach, Du Lieber, Augustin) To make a mule stand for the tool, Fuck you, fuck you, We beat him with hickory switches, For curiosity. We use our pricks for walking sticks, Noo a lassie was roamin' by the banks of Loch Us horny sons of bitches. Lomand,

To fight for the old cunt, She slipped on her dress and a wee chunk To fight for the old cunt, o'stane. Great joy we reap from cornholing sheep, Fight for the old country. Noo a Parson was passin' and on her took pas- In barns, or bogs, or ditches, sion, Nor give a damn if it be a ram, 408 He lifted her up and he carried her hame. Us horny sons of bitches. Pecker Picker We walk around, prick to the ground, Can't understand it - can't comprehend, Chorus Singin' Peri Periwinkle, I see your wee wrinkle, And kick it if it itches, Why someone thinks I'd eat a friend, And if it throbs, we scratch it with cobs, Tho' Pecker Picker is the name, Singin' Peri Periwinkle, but you canna see mine! Us horny sons of bitches. Picking peckers is not the game, Noo he fed her and cled her and into bed led At least not to peck my way around, We masturbate from morn to late, Any hasher who's flat out on the ground. her, And noo that wee lassie's asufferin with shame; Till our bloody foreskin twitches, Next morning at ten we begin again, 412 Pure and innocent was Angeline. 415 Pioneers A virgin still, never known a thrill, But sad to say, that very same day, Portions of a Woman (To: Son of a Gambolier) Poor little Angeline. The blacksmith had gone to jail to stay, For coming in his pants at the local dance, Now the portions of a woman, The pioneers have hairy ears, At the village fair, the Squire was there, With poor little Angeline. That appeal to a man's depravity, They piss through leather britches, Masturbating in the middle of the square, Are fashioned with the most exquisite care. They wipe their ass with broken glass, When he chanced to see the dainty knee, Now the window of his cell overlooked the dell, And that what may seem to you, Those hardy sons of bitches! Of poor little Angeline. Where the Squire was giving poor Angeline To be a simple little cavity, hell, Is really an elaborate affair. When cunt is rare they fuck a bear, Now the village Squire had a low desire, As she lay on the grass, he recognized the ass, They knife him if he snitches, To be the biggest bastard in the whole damn Of poor little Angeline. Now, we doctors who have taken time, They knock their cock against the rocks, shire. To study these phenomena, Those hardy sons of bitches! He had set is heart on the feral part, Now he got such a start that he let out a fart, In numbers of experimental dames, Of poor little Angeline. Which blew the prison bars wide apart. Have made a little list, They take their ass upon the grass, And he ran like shit lest the Squire should split, Of all these feminine abdomena, From fairies or from witches, As she lifted her skirt to avoid the dirt, His poor little Angeline. And given them delightful Latin names. Their two-pound dinks are full of kinks, She slipped in the puddle of the Squires last Those hardy sons of bitches! squirt, When he got the spot and saw what was what, There's the vulva, the vagina, And his knob grew raw at the sight he saw, He tied the villain's penis in a granny knot. And the jolly perineum. Without remorse they fuck a horse, Of poor little Angeline. As the Squire lay on his guts he was kicked in And the hymen which is sometimes found in And beat him if he twitches', the nuts, brides. Their mighty dicks are full of nicks, So he raised his hat and said, "Miss, your cat, By poor little Angeline. And lots of other gadgets, Those hardy sons of bitches! Has been run over and is squashed quite flat. You would love if you could see 'em, But my car is in the square and I'll take you "Oh blacksmith true, I love you, I do, There's the clitoris, and Christ knows what be- To make a mule stand for the tool, there, And I can tell by your trousers that you love me sides. He's beat with hickory switches; Oh Dear little Angeline." too, They use their pricks for walking sticks, Here I am undressed, come and do your best," Now it makes us rather tired, Those hardy sons of bitches! Now the filthy old turd should have got the bird, Cried poor little Angeline. when you idle people chatter, Instead she followed him without a word, About things to which we've just referred. Great joy they reap from bugg'ring sheep, And as they drove away, you could hear them No it won't take long to finish this song, And to hear you give a name In sundry bogs and ditches, say, For the blacksmith had a penis over one foot To such a complicated matter, Nor give a damn if he be a ram - Poor little Angeline. long, With such a short and unattractive word: Those hardy sons of bitches! And his phallic charm was as brawny as his CUNT! They had not gone far when he stopped his car, arm. When booze is rare, they do not care, And took little Angeline into a bar, Happy little Angeline. 416 Precious Mem'ries They take a shot of Fitch's, Where he filled her with gin, just to make her (To: Precious Memories) The fuck their wives with butcher knives, sin,

Those hardy sons of bitches! Poor little Angeline. Precious mem'ries, last night's down down, 413 When he'd oiled her well, he took her to a dell, Beer kegs floating by the score. Pissanya, Shitanya And there he gave her merry fucking hell, Drank some whiskey, puked on the ground, And he tried his luck with a low down fuck, Woke that morn next to a whore. On poor little Angeline. Pissanya, Pissanya, Pissanya, Pissanya's a grand old name. Chorus If I had my way I'd Pissanya all day. With a cry of "Rape," he raised his cape, Precious mem'ries, last night's down down, Pissanya, Pissanya, Pissanya. Poor little Angeline had no escape. Woke that morn next to a whore. Shitanya, Shitanya, Shitanya, Now it's time someone came to save the name, In the sunlight, she was a fright, Shitanya's a grand old name. Of poor little Angeline. Beer, no whiskey any more. If I had my way I'd Shitanya all day. Shitanya, Shitanya, Shitanya. Now the story is told of a blacksmith bold, 414 Who'd loved little Angeline for years untold. Guide me father, help me mother, Poor Little Angeline He was handsome too and he'd promised to be Why'd I have to see this sight, true, Did some hashin', and some drinkin', She was sweet sixteen and the village queen, To poor little Angeline. Don't deserve this awful plight. She had an idea grand, Stick it in, pull it out, Chorus As I'm hashin', on the pathway, And she filled it up with sand, Pull it out, stick it in, And it's up against the wall, redneck mother, Not a worry nor a fear, So no big buck in search of fuck, Stick it in, pull it out, Rawhide. Mother who has raised a son so well (so well, so But I promise, at the down down, Could reach the promised land. well), I'll pass the whiskey, drink the beer. She's movin', movin', movin', He's 34, a drinkin' in a honky tonk, Oh, the moon shines bright on pretty Redwing. Stops my manhood groovin', Just kickin' hippie ass and raisin' hell. 417 This doggie won't stop movin', Raw- hide. He sure does like his Shiner beer, Pretty Hasher As she lay sleeping, It's gonna be sore later, He likes to chase it down with Wild Turkey (To: Pretty Woman) There came a creeping, But I've been a masturbator, liquor, A cowboy quietly came creeping, All those years that I've just spent inside, He drives a '67 Chevy pick-em-up truck, Pretty Hasher, running down the street, His heart a leaping as he spied her. My balls they are aching, He's got a gun rack and a "Goat Pretty Hasher, the kind I like to meet, From ages wanking, waiting, Ropers Need Love Too" sticker. Pretty Hasher, I don't believe you, you're not Redwing sprang to life, Waiting to get this thing inside. true, Whipped out her Bowie knife. M is for the Mudflaps on my pick-em-up truck, No one could have tits like you. With two quick cuts she severed his nuts, Rollin', rollin', rollin', O is for the Oil I put on my hair, And then she stabbed him in the guts. I'm rootin' her assholin', T is for T-Bird, Pretty Hasher, won't you pardon me, We're mounted doggy style, Rawhide. H is for Haggard, Pretty Hasher, I couldn't help but see, The cowboy he did die, I don't try to understand her, E is for Enema, Pretty Hasher, you look horny, I can see, Beneath the prairie sky. Just catch and grope and bang her, R is for Redneck! Are you horny just like me? He stretched his luck in search of a fuck, Now her twat is gettin' wet and wide, For Redwing was too sly. My foreskin's torn and tattered, 428 Pretty Hasher, stop a while, Her pussy's worn and battered, Return To Sender Pretty Hasher, talk a while, Oh, the moon shines bright on pretty Redwing, At last I'll drop my load inside. (To: Return to Sender) Pretty Hasher, give your cunt to me, As she lies snoring there hangs a warning: Pretty Hasher, yeah, yeah, yeah. The cowboy's balls are now adorning, 426 I gave my cum to the sperm bank, Pretty Hasher, say you'll cum, Her teepee awning for all to see. Red Rag in the Sunset Some semen in a sack. Pretty Hasher, say you'll cum with me, (To: Red Sail in the Sunset) Bright and early next morning,

'Cause I need you, I'll treat you right, But to her big surprise, They brought my semen back. Cum with me baby, climax tonight. Her belly began to rise. Red rag in the sunset, They wrote upon it: And out of her cunt came a little runt Blood drips like the sea. Return to sender, Pretty Hasher, don't run on by, Who had a strange look in his eyes. I'm just a young virgin, Species unknown. Pretty Hasher, don't make me cry, Please don't piss on me. No such donor, No more bone. Pretty Hasher, don't run away. Poor Redwing was distressed, She wanted a baby, Until the Chief confessed. I'll lick up your juices, Begged me for my sack. You can't pull the wool o'er Sitting Bull- 'Til my face turns blue. OK, if that's the way it must be, I gave her my-seed, At fucking I'm the best. Red rag in the sunset, OK, I guess I'll go home and masturbate, But my seed keeps cumming back. There'll be tomorrow night, I'll wait. I'm trusting in you. Be easy on me now, Oh, the moon shines bright on pretty Redwing. Don't bite it no more. So then I cummed into the mailbox, Within her teepee the kid makes peepee. What do I see? Six-nine not a toilet, And sent it Special D, And poor Redwing constantly is sleepy Is she jogging back to me? Don't piss you old whore! Bright and early next morning, As she makes yippee with Sitting Bull. Yes, she's jogging back to me, If came right back to me.

Oh, oh, pretty Hasher. She wrote upon it: 419 Red rag in the sunset, Blood drips like the sea. Return to sender, Pubic Hairs Species unknown. (To: Baby Face) I've earned my red wings now, Bitch don't piss on me! No such donor, No more bone. 418 427 Pubic hairs. Redneck Mother This time I'm gonna cum on her, Pretty Redwing You've got the cutest little pubic hairs. And put it right in her hand. (To: Redneck Mother) There's nothing that can compare, And if it cums back the very next day, There once was an Indian maid, Pubic hairs. He was born in Oklahoma, Then I'll understand. Who always was afraid, Penis or vagina, there's nothing that could be His wife's name is Betty Lou Thelma Liz, The writing on it: That some buckaroo would slip it up her flue, finer, And he's not responsible for what he's doin', Return to sender, As she lay sleeping the whole night through. Pubic hairs. His mama made him what he is. Species unknown. I'm up in heaven when I'm in your underwear, No such donor, No more bone. His prick lies idle in his hands, Rip my knickers away, away, We feed him brandy, The warden's voice begins to moan, Rip my knickers away, Which makes him feel randy, 429 "Stop picking prick and start picking stone!" Down the front, down the back, For we are from Roedean School. Rhode Island Red Round the back, round the crack, 431 Rip my knickers away. When we go down to the beach for a swim, Has anybody seen my cock, Ringadangdoo The people remark on the size of our quim, My big Rhode Island Red? (To: My Ding-A-Ling) Walkin' by the field one day, You can bet your bottom dollar, He's mostly pink, with a little bit of blue, I heard a maiden crying, It's big as a horse's collar, And he's purple on his head (Gor Blimey). Chorus "Oh, please don't rip me knockers off, Jack, For we are from Roedean School. He stands straight up in the morning, The ringadangdoo, pray what is that? You'll get there by and byin'." And he gives me wife a shock, It's furry and soft, like a pussy-cat, Our head perfect, her name is Jane, Has anybody seen, anybody seen, It's got a crack down the middle, 433 She only likes it now and again, Anybody, anybody seen my cock? And a hole right through, Road to Gundagai And again, and again, That's what they call the Ringadangdoo. And again, and again, He's a right big-headed little upstart, There's a crack winding back, For she is from Roedean School. The best you've ever seen. I once knew a girl, her name was Jean, From her belly to her back, He could have got gonorrhea, The sweetest girl I'd ever seen, On the road to Gundagai. Our house mistress, she can't be beat, Instead he got gangrene. She loved a boy, who was straight and true, She lets us go walking in the street, He should have worn a condom, Who longed to play on her ringadangdoo. There's a yank there beside her, We sell our titties for, But the silly sod forgot, You bet your balls he'll ride her, Three-penny bitties, Has anybody seen, has anybody seen, So she took him to her father's house, Beneath the starry sky. Right outside of Roedean School. Has anybody seen my cock? And crept inside as quiet as a mouse, And they shut the door and the window too, With a frenchie on his big prick, 430 And he played all night on her Ringadangdoo. He'll ride her with ease, Ring the Bell Verger As he scratches up the gravel, The very next day her father said, With both of his knees, Chorus 'You've gone and lost your maidenhead! Ring the bell verger, ring the bell ring, You can pack your bags and suitcase, too, Though the time will come to pass, Perhaps the congregation will condescend to And bugger off with your Ringadangdoo!" When he'll whop it up her arse, sing, On the road to Gundagai. Perhaps the village organist sitting on his stool, So she went to town and became a whore, Will play upon his organ and not upon his tool. And hung a red light outside her door, 434 And one by one and two by two, Roedean School Ocean liner five months late, They came to play on her Ringadangdoo. (To: We Shall Not Be Moved) Stoker stoking stoker's mate, Captain's voice comes down the wire, There came to that town a son of a bitch, We are from Roedean, good girls are we, "Stop stoking mate and start stoking fire!" Who had the pox and the seven-year-itch, We take great pride in our virginity, He had gonorrhea and syphilis too - We take precautions, Lordship's chauffeur in the garage lies, So that was the end of her Ringadangdoo. And avoid abortions, Lordship's wife between his thighs, For we are from Roedean School. Lordship's voice come from afar, 432 "Stop fucking wife and start fuckin' car!" Rip My Knickers Away Chorus Up school, up school up school, right up school! Part-time barman in the four-ale lurks, Be I 'ampshire, be I buggery, Laah-lah, laah-lah, lah, lah,lah,lah,lah, Tossing off with erratic jerks, Oi koms up from Wareham, Laah-lah, laah-lah, lah, lah,lah,lah,lah. The landlord's voice begins to moan, Oi knows a gal with calico drawers, "Stop pulling plonker and start pulling foam!" And I knows how to tear 'em. Our school porter, he is a fool, He's only got a teeny-weeny tool, Verger in the belfry stood,Grasped in his hand, Chorus All right for keyholes, his mighty pud, Rip my knickers away, And little girlies' pee-holes, From afar the vicar yells, Rip my knickers away, But not for girls at Roedean School. "Stop pulling pud and start pulling bells!" I don't care what becomes of me, As long as you finger my C.U.N.T. When we go out to the Vicar's for tea, Old time convict in the compound stands, He likes to bounce us up and down on his knee, Our sports mistress, she is the best, We go to Roedean, we can be had,Don't take Well, this is number eight, She teaches us how to develop our chest, our word, boy ask your old dad, And the nurse is at the gate, If all the young girls were like diamonds and We wear tight sweaters, He brings his friends, Roll me over, lay me down, and do it again. rubies, And carry French Letters, For breath-taking trends, I'd be a jeweler and polish their boobies. For we are from Roedean School. For we are from Roedean School. Well, this is number nine, And the twins are doing fine, If all the young girls were like bells in a tower, Each week at Roedean we have a dance, In our winter we wear our J.D.'s, Roll me over, lay me down, and do it again. I'd be a clapper and bang them each hour. We don't wear bras and we don't wear pants, Long combinations well below our knees, We like to give, All the fellows a chance, It's all right for dragging, Well, this is number ten, If all the young girls were like bats in the stee- For we are from Roedean School. But no good for shagging, And we're at it once again, ple, For we are from Roedean School. Roll me over, lay me down, and do it again. Then there'd be many more bats than people. Our head gardener, he makes us drool, He's got a great big dirty whoppin' tool, Well, this is number eleven, If all the young girls were like telephone poles, All right for tunnels, 435 And we start again from seven, I'd grab my red pecker to stick in their holes. And Queen Mary's funnels, Roll Me Over in the Clover Roll me over, lay me down, and do it again. And great for the girls at Roedean School. If all the young girls were like coals in a stoker, Well, this is number one, Well, this is number twelve, I'd be a fireman and shove in my poker. We have a new girl, her name is Flo, And the fun has just begun, And she said "You can fuck yourself", Nobody thought that she would have a go, Roll me over, lay me down, and do it again. Roll me over, lay me down, and do it again. If all the young girls were like winds on the sea, But she surprised the Vicar, I'd be a sail and I'd have them blow me. By raising him quicker, Chorus Well, this is number twenty, That any other girl at Roedean School. Roll me over in the clover, And she said that was plenty, If all the young girls were like statues of Venus, Roll me over, lay me down, and do it again. Roll me over, lay me down, and do it again. I'd be equipped with a petrified penis. We are from Roedean, lesbos are we, Caused by living in an all-girls dormit'ry, Well, this is number two, Well, this is number thirty, If all the young girls were like little white rab- It's lights out at seven, And my hand is on her shoe, And she said that was dirty, Candles out at eleven, bits Roll me over, lay me down, and do it again. Roll me over, lay me down, and do it again. I'd be a hare and I'd teach them bad habits. For we are from Roedean School.

Well, this is number three, Well, this is number forty, If all the young girls were like little red foxes, Our school doctor, she is a beaut, And my hand is on her knee, And she said "Now that was naughty", Teaches us to swerve when our boy friends I'd be a hunter and shoot up their boxes. Roll me over, lay me down, and do it again. Roll me over, lay me down, and do it again. shoot, It saves many marriages, If all the young girls were like snakes in the Well, this is number four, 436 grass, And forced miscarriages, And we're rolling on the floor, Roll Your Leg Over For we are from Roedean School. I'd grab my king snake and to shove up their Roll me over, lay me down, and do it again. (To: Sailor's Hornpipe) ass.

We go to Roedean, don't we have fun, Well, this is number five, If all the young girls were like fish in the ocean, If all the young girls were like trees in the for- We know exactly how it is done, And the bee is in the hive, Then I'd be a whale and I'd show them the mo- When we lie down est, Roll me over, lay me down, and do it again. tion. I'd be a lumberjack and split their clitoris. We hole it in one, For we are from Roedean School. Well, this is number six, Chorus If all the young girls were like mares in a stable, And she said she liked my tricks, Oh, roll your leg o-ver, oh, roll your leg over, Those girls from Cheltenham, they are just sis- I'd be a stallion and show them I'm able. Roll me over, lay me down, and do it again. Roll your leg o-ver the man in the moon. sies, The get worked up over one or two kisses, It takes wax candles, Well, this is number seven, If all the young girls were like hashers on trail, And long broom handles, And we're in our seventh heaven, I'd be the hare and I'd get me some tail. To rouse the girls at Roedean School. Roll me over, lay me down, and do it again. If all the young girls were like bricks in a pile, Then I'd be a mason and lay them in style. If all the young girls were like pies on the shelf, Then I'd be the baker and eat them myself.

If all the young girls were like fish in the sea, Then I'd be the King fish and have them for me. If all the young girls were like long-tall hash Every day of his life. Rubber dickie, you're so fine, Songmaster: Who can take some jumper cables, mugs, And I'm happy that you are mine, Pack: Who can take some jumper cables, I'd do a down down from their lovely jugs. Now in the 'morn when he awoke, Rubber dickie, I'm awfully fond of, Songmaster: Attach 'em to her tits, All over did he quake. Rubber dickie, you're the magical wand of, Pack: Attach 'em to her tits, If all the young girls were like fish in the brook- His back was sore, his balls were raw, Rubber dickie, you're the one that I love in me. Songmaster: Connect them to a Mack truck, ie, All over he did shake. So she has orgasmic fits? I'd be a trout and I'd get me some nookie. And when he looked at his Tom-Tom, 439 He saw he'd done the trick. Rule Britannia Chorus If all the young girls were like round cherry pie, The consequences of his rub-a-dee-dub, Songmaster: The S & M Girl... I'd pluck me a cherry from right where they lie. Was pimples on his prick. Rule Britannia, marmalade and jam, Oh, the consequences of his rub-a-dee-dub, Five Chinese crackers up your asshole, Pack: The S & M Girl... 437 Was pimples on his prick. BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG! Rub-A-Dee-Dub Songmaster: The S & M Girl. (To: The Scotsman) Now the baker's boy to the doctor went, Rule Britannia, Britannia rules the seas, Some ointment for to buy, Britons never, never, never shit green peas. Pack: The S & M Girl... Now the baker's boy to the mart he went, The doctor looked him up and down, Some pork for him to buy. And heaved a mighty sigh, 440 Together: And when he got upon the spot, "My boy, my boy," the doctor said, Rye Whiskey The S & M Girl, No one he could espy. "You've been a bloody fool, (To: Rye Whiskey) 'Cause she mixes it with love, And just as he was about to leave, You'll never more have a rub-a-dee-dub, And makes the hurt feel good. Thinking all was dead, I'm gonna cut off your tool." Rye whiskey, rye whiskey, Makes the hurt feel good. He heard the sound of rub-a-dee-dub, Oh, you'll never more have a rub-a-dee-dub, Rye whiskey, I cry. Right above his head. I'm gonna cut off your tool." If I don't get rye whiskey, Who rubs down with honey, I surely will die. Just to have a chance, Now the baker's boy was cunning and wise, Now listen to the baker's boy, To lay out on the lawn, And he crept up the stairs, For he should surely know, Sometimes I drink whiskey, And be a picnic for fire ants? And he crept up so silently, An enthusiastic amateur, Sometimes I drink gin, He caught them unawares. Is worse than any pro, It doesn't really matter, Who can sleep on barbed wire, And there he saw the butcher's boy, And if you would a wooing go, The state that I'm in. Tossing left and right, Between his missus' thighs, And self-control you lack, Just to see how many stitches, And they were having rub-a-dee-dub, Whenever you have a rub-a-dee-dub, Sometimes I drink whiskey, She can earn each night? Right before his eyes. Be sure to wear a mack. Sometimes I drink rum, Oh, they were having rub-a-dee-dub, Oh, whenever you have a rub-a-dee-dub, I only do that, Who can shave her body, Right before his eyes. Be sure to wear a mack. When I want to cum. Pubic parts and all, Swim around all day,

Now the butcher's wife was much alarmed, Sometimes I drink whiskey, In a pool of alcohol? Aleeping from the bed, 438 Who can jump a flagpole, Rubber Dickie Sometimes I drink wine, She turned unto the baker's boy, Give some to old Nelly, Land right up on top, And this is what she said, (To: Rubber Ducky) Wiggle down and squeeze so tight, She fucks for a dime. "If you were but my secret keep, The truck on top pops? Just bear this fact in mind. Rubber dickie, you're the one, Sometimes I drink whisky, You can always cum for a rub-a-dee-dub. You make bedtime so much fun, Who can take a buzz saw, Whenever you feel inclined." Rubber dickie, I'm awfully fond of you, Sometimes I drink beer, When I fill up my bladder, Hold it to her twat, Oh, can always cum for a rub-a-dee-dub. (boop boop a doo). Rev up the engine, Whenever you feel inclined." I piss off the pier. And perpetually squat? Rubber dickie, toy of toys, Who ties down her sweetie, Now the baker's boy was filled with joy, When you're in me I make noise, If the ocean were whiskey, Every single day, The prospect of such fun, Rubber dickie, you're my very best friend, And I were a duck, Covers him with rats, He barely leaped upon the bed, It's true. I'd swim to the bottom, And lets the kitties in to play? When the butcher's boy was done. And drink my way up.

But when he came to the shortest strokes, Every day when I make my way to my beddie, Who can take some shackles, How he kissed the butcher's wife. 441 I find my rubber dickie is always charged up The S & M Girl Chain you to the walls, He vowed he'd have a rub-a-dee-dub, and ready, Fill a glass with sperm, Every day of his life. (To: The Candy Man) I like to wear my teddy. By lancing both your balls? Oh, he vowed he'd have a rub-a-dee-dub, (See "The S & M Man" for more verses) Fuck the bottom half, Suck out all the yeast, Wrap it round his pud, And toss the other half to you? Spit it out into some dough, Shove it up your arse, 442 And bake it for a feast? Until you're shitting chunks of blood? The S & M Man Who take some jumper cables, (To: The Candy Man) Clamp one to each tit, Who can take a hair curler, Who can take a Grandma, Slap them on the batt'ry, Turn it up on high, Out into the yard, Songmaster: Who can take a bicycle, Then ride the shaking bitch? Stick it in her cunt, Then grandpa comes out on the porch, Pack: Who can take a bicycle, And listen to her fry? And hollers, "Fuck 'er hard!" Songmaster: Tear off the leather seat. Who can take a sander, Pack: Tear off the leather seat. Made by Black and Decker, Who can take two ice picks, Who can cut your dick off, Songmaster: Impale a virgin on it, push her Rub it up and down, Stick one in each ear, And feed it to the cat, down a bumpy street. Until you've got a bleedin' pecker? And ride you like a Harley, 'Cause we all know hungry pussies, While he fucks you up the rear? Need more and more of that. Chorus Who can take a riding crop, Who wears pants with zippers, Songmaster: The S & M Man... Beat you 'cross the chest. Who can take a light bulb, And no underwear, Ride you like a pony, Shove it up your arse, Then pulls them up and down, Pack: The S & M Man... 'Til you think that you're the best. Fuck you up the rear, Until he has no pubic hair? Til you're shitting chunks of glass? Songmaster: The S & M Man. Who can take a hammer, And pound it on your dick, Who can shave your pussy, Pack: The S & M Man... And hit it even harder, Without the shaving cream, 'Til you cum until you're sick? Slap some on some Aqua Velva, Together: Just to hear you scream? The S & M Man, Who can take a candle, 'Cause he mixes it with love, Melt it on your skin. Who can take a vibrator,Give it to ya hard. And makes the hurt feel good. Watch it blister up, Fuck ya all night long, Makes the hurt feel good. Then stick it with a pin. Like the nympho that ya are.

Who can take a dildo, Who can take your penis, Who can take a glass rod, Ram it up your rear. Put it in a door, Shove it up your prick, Then fuck ya all night long, Slam it really hard,Until you're screaming- Put it on the table, Until the shit comes out your ears. MORE MORE!? And smash it with a brick? Who can take a cat-o-nine, Tie you to the floor. Who can take a tire iron, Who can take a Coke bottle, Whip you 'til you bleed, Stick up your hole, Shove it up her ass, And you're begging for some more. Screw a jack way up your ass, Kidney punch the bitch,

Until you rock 'n roll. Until she's shitting blood and glass? Who can take a wood saw,

Rusted, dully cuts, Saw it back and forth, Who can find some newlyweds, Who can take a vice clamp, Til he cuts off both your nuts? Sneak into their room, Clamp it on a tit, Fuck the bride in bed, Squeeze the sucker down, And sodomize the groom? Until it pops just like a zit? Who can take a chainsaw,

Rev it up real high, Shove it up your arse, Who can take a transient, Who can take a cheese grater, Just to hear you scream and sigh? Rip out one of his eyes, Strap it to his arm, Skull fuck the bastard, Fist fuck the bitch, Until the cum he cries? And make vagina parmesian? Who can take some sandpaper, With very course grit, Rub it back and forth, Who can take a little girl, Who can take a baby, Until you have a bleeding clit? Before she's on the rag, Throw it on a pile, Fuck her till she's dead, And fuck it up its ass, And then toss her in a bag? Sish-ka-bob style? Who can take a chainsaw,

Cut the bitch in two, Who can take a pussy, Who can take some fiberglass, Who can take a pregnant woman, Who can take a puppy, Monday night she fucks like hell, But it's better than none at all, So fuck 'em all. Fuck her til she's dead, Hold it by the ears, Tuesday night she has a spell, Fuck her even harder, Fuck it in the ass, Wednesday night she takes it up her back, Oh, they say I shot a man, fuck 'em all, Til the fetus gives him head? Until it sheds those puppy tears? Thursday night she takes it in the crack, Oh, they say I shot a man, fuck 'em all,They say And Friday night she takes it up her nose, I shot him in the head, with a fucking piece of Who can take a hangman's noose, Who can drive an ambulance, In between her finger and down between her lead, Slip it 'round your head, To a totalled cadillac, toes. Now the silly fucker's dead, so fuck 'em all. Climb a box and pull the rope, Fuck the injured woman, Saturday night she dishes out the clap - And fuck you till you're dead. And her daughters in the back. And she goes to church on Sunday. Oh, they say I'm going to swing, fuck 'em all, etc... Who can take a branding iron, Who will run through briars, 445 Oh, they say I'm going to swing, from a fucking Fire it 'til its hot. Ripping up his flesh, Salvation Army Song piece of string, Ram it up your ass, And like a crazy hasher, What a silly fucking thing, so fuck 'em all. When your wad is almost shot. Repeat the bloody mess? We're coming, we're coming, (See "The S & M Girl") Our brave little band, Oh, the parson he will come, fuck 'em all, etc... Who can take a baby, On the right side of justice we'll all take a stand. Oh, the parson he will come, with his tales of Lay it on a bed, 443 We don't smoke tobacco because we all think, kingdom come, Turn the bugger over, Sally in the Alley That people who smoke are likely to drink. He can shove 'em up his bum, so fuck 'em all. Fuck the soft spot in its head? Sally in the alley, sifting cinders, Chorus Oh, the hangman wears a mask, fuck 'em all, Who can work abortions, Lifted up her leg and farted like a man, Away, away with rum by gum, etc... Wrap them in a sack, Wind from her butt blew out six winders, With rum by gum, with rum by gum, Oh, the hangman wears a mask, for his silly Save them all for later, Cheeks of her ass went BAM! BAM! BAM! Away, away with rum by gum, fucking task, When he wants a tasty snack? The song of the Salvation Army. What a silly fucking ass, so fuck 'em all. 444 Rum chug-a-lug, rum chug-a-lug, rum bum bum. Who can take your scrotum, Salome Oh, the sheriff'll be there too, fuck 'em all, etc...

Stick it with a pin, Oh, the sheriff'll be there too, with his silly Hang on a bunch of weights, Down our street we had a little party, We never eat fruit cake, fucking crew, Till it drags down to your shins? Everyone there was oh so gay and hearty. Cause fruit cake has rum, They've got fuck-all else to do, so fuck 'em all. Talk about a treat, there was fuck all to eat, And one little bite turns a man to a bum. Oh, can you imagine a sorrier sight, Who can take just two bricks, So we all got pissed in a boozer down the street. (With Reverence) Than a man eating fruit cake until he is light? Take one in each hand, I saw Molly in the crowd, fuck 'em all, etc...

Bang them on his balls, There was old Uncle Jim, I saw Molly in the crowd, and I felt so goddamn Like the cymbals in the band? He was fair fucked up, We never eat cookies, proud, We put him in the cellar, Cause cookies have yeast, That I shouted right out loud, FUCK 'EM ALL! And one little bite turns a man to a beast. Who can take your penis, With the old bull pup. Oh, can you imagine a greater disgrace, Tie it all in knots, Oh, the hangman pulled the rope, fuck 'em all, Than a man in the gutter with crumbs on his Wipe it all with shiggy, etc... Little Sunny Tim, face? Until the fucker rots? Oh, the hangman pulled the rope, thought it was Was trying to get it in, Who can take a Pit Bull, With his asshole, a fucking joke, Let him eat your dick, Winking at the moonlight. There's Viceroy cigarettes, Now my goddamn neck is broke, so fuck 'em Let him fuck your girlfriend, For people who think, all! And Ban deodorant for people who stink, While you lie there very sick? Chorus 447 But thinking and stinking are not right by me, The Scotsman's Kilt Oh, Salome, Salome, I get my kicks from Saigon tea. Who can take some handcuffs, My gal Salome. Tie you to the bed, Dancing there with her asshole bare, Well, a Scotsman clad in kilt left the bar one Whip you on the bottom, Every little wiggle make the boys all stare. 446 evening fair. 'Til your ass is bloody red. She swings it, she flings it, Sammy Small And one could tell by how he walked that he'd She's a great big cow twice the size of me, (To: Ye Jacobites by Name) drunk more than his share. Hairs on her belly like the trunk of a tree, He fumbled 'round 'till he could no longer keep She could run, jump, fuck, fart, Oh, my name is Sammy Small, fuck 'em all, his feet. Push a barrow, wheel a cart, Oh, my name is Sammy Small, fuck 'em all, And stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside That's my gal Salome. Oh, my name is Sammy Small, and I only have the street. one ball, Chorus She cried, "Why Sir, that gruesome." And then Final Chorus The last was a lady named Jennifer Trim, Ring-ding-ding-a-ling-a-ladio, Ring di diddle-i- she heard him roar, Oh my darling you're crying, She only sat down on a personal whim, o, "If you put your hand up once again, you'll find Boo-hoo, boo-hoo, But she somehow got pinched 'twixt the cup and He stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside it grew some more." Now the doctor's prescribing the brim, the street. Penicillin for you too. And nobody knew she was there. 448 About that time two young and lovely girls Scrotum 450 But another old lady was Mrs. McBligh, happened by. (To: Jada) Seven Old Ladies Went in with a bottle of booze on the sly, One said to the other with a twinkle in her eye. (To: Oh My, What Can the Matter Be?) She jumped on the seat and fell in with a cry, See yon sleeping Scotsman so strong and hand- Scrotum. Scrotum. And nobody knew she was there. some built. S-C-R-O-T-U-M. Chorus I wonder if it's true what they don't wear be- Mangy, scrungy, Oh dear, what can the matter be? 451 neath the kilt. S-C-R-O-T-U-M. Seven old ladies locked in the lava'try, Sex Is Boring Scrotum, scrotum, They were there from Sunday to Saturd'y, (To: Fraire Jacques) They crept up on that sleeping Scotsman quiet Covered with hair. Nobody knew they were there. as can be. What would you do They said they were going to have tea with the Sex is boring, Lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could If it wasn't there? Vicar, Sex is boring, see. Scrotum, scrotum, They went in together, they thought it was Pain is fun, And there behold for them to view beneath his It's what we keep our gonads in! quicker, Pain is fun, Scottish skirt. But the lavat'ry door was a bit of a sticker, Gonna cut my fingers off, Was nothin' more than God had graced him with 449 And the Vicar had tea all alone. Gonna cut my fingers off, upon his birth. Seven Nervous Days One by one, (To: Seven Lonely Days) The first was the wife of a deacon in Dover, One by one. They marvelled for a moment and one said, And thought she was known as a bit of a rover, "We must be gone. Seven nervous days, I've waited for results, She liked it so much she thought she'd stay over, Sex is boring, Let's leave a present for our friend before we Seven lonely nights I've stayed away from you, And nobody knew she was there. Sex is boring, move along." I never could have guessed, I had no idea, Pain is fun, As a gift they left a blue silk ribbon tied into a That you'd given me a dose of gonorrhea. The next old lady was old Mrs. Bickle, Pain is fun, bow. She found herself in a desperate pickle, Gonna cut my toes off, Around the bonnie star the Scott's kilt did lift Chorus Shut in a pay booth, she hadn't a nickel, Gonna cut my toes off, and show. Oh my darling I'm crying, And nobody knew she was there. One by one, Boo-hoo poor me, One by one. Now the Scotsman woke to nature's call and 'Cause the doctor's prescribing, The next was the Bishop of Chichester's daugh- stumbled towards the trees. Penicillin for me. ter, Sex is boring, Behind the bush he lifts his kilt and gawks at You said you were drunk, She went in to pass some superfluous water, Sex is boring, what he sees. Now does that make it right? She pulled on the chain and the rising tide Pain is fun, And in a startled voice he says to what's before I think you're a lousy skunk, caught her, Pain is fun, his eyes. To sleep with a transvestite. And nobody knew she was there. Pulling out my pubic hairs, "Ah, lad I don't know where you've been, but I Pulling out my pubic hairs, see you've won first prize." Said you couldn't tell, The next old lady was Abigale Humphrey, One by one, It was very hard to find, Who settled inside to make herself comfy, One by one. Now our Scottish friend still dressed in kilt So you thought what the hell, And then she found out she could not get her continued down the street. And rammed it up behind. bum free, Sex is boring, He hadn't gone ten yards or more when a girl he And nobody knew she was there. Sex is boring, chanced to meet. I knew I had a dose, Pain is fun, She said, "I've heard what's 'neath that kilt, tell 'Cause it hurts when I pee, The next old lady was Pamela Mason, Pain is fun, me is it so?" If you ever come close, She couldn't wait so she used the basin, Poking out my eyes, He said "Just put your hand up, miss, if you'd I'll cut off your willie. And that was the water I washed my face in, Poking out my eyes,One by one, really like to know." I didn't know she was there. One by one. I never felt so shy, She put her hand right up his kilt, and much to You caused me so much strife, The next old lady was Elizabeth Spender, (Harriers) her surprise, But now it's your turn to cry, Who was doing all right till a vagrant suspender, Sex is boring, The Scotsman smiled and a very strange look 'Cause you gotta tell your wife. Got all twisted up in her feminine gender, Sex is boring, came into his eyes. And nobody knew she was there. Pain is fun, Pain is fun, The sexual life of the ostrich, is hard to under- A hundred dusky maidens, So she strolled into the circle, Cutting off my gonads, stand, Combing their pubic hair. And challenged anyone to fuck, Cutting off my gonads, At the height of the mating season, When along came Father Christmas, But she ain't gonna fuck no more. One by one, It buries its head in the sand. Striding down the marble halls, One by one. And if another ostrich finds it, When he asked what they wanted for Christmas, The Hash Master was in control, Standing there with its ass in the air, The eunuchs all answered, "Balls!" And so he stepped up first, Sex is boring, Does it have the urge to grind, But sadly the man had drunk too much, Sex is boring, Or doesn't it bloody-well care? Oh, the old men were having a birthday, And over-quenched his thirst, Pain is fun, Standing at the bar, When he pulled his flaccid penis out,She Pain is fun, In the process of civilization, Thinking about the old times, laughed like she would burst, Cutting off my penis, From anthropoid ape down to man, Thinking back so far. But she ain't gonna fuck no more. Cutting off my penis, It is generally held that the navy, When along came a dusky maiden, Inch by inch, Has buggered whatever it can. By Christ, she was so fair, The Joint Hash Masters took a turn, Inch by inch. Yet recent extensive researches, When she asked what they'd like for their birth- They stepped up one by one, By Darwin and Huxley and Hall, day, But with each prick she gave a sigh, (Harriettes) Have conclusively proven that the hedgehog, The old men all shouted, "Hair!" For still she hadn't cum. Sex is boring, Cannot be buggered at all. She said "You're no good at fucking, Sex is boring, We therefore believe our conclusion, 453 You'd best go back and run." Pain is fun, Is incontrovertibly shown, She Ain't Gonna Fuck No More But she ain't gonna fuck no more. Pain is fun, That comparative safety on shipboard, (To: Battle Hymn of the Republic) Gonna cut my titties off, Is enjoyed by the hedgehog alone, The Masters of Music tried their hands, Gonna cut my titties off, Why haven't they done it a Spithead, My eyes have seen the glory, But couldn't do a thing, One by one, As they have at Harvard and Yale, Of the coming of the whore, One was so tired from running, One by one. And also at Oxford and Cambridge, Who had fucked all round Jakarta, All he could do was sing, By shaving the spines off the tail? But had never cum before, The other tried a short cut, Sex is boring, She'd fuck and suck most anything, Got his prick lost in her ring, Sex is boring, So cum all you hashers, And she had a running sore, But she ain't gonna fuck no more. Pain is fun, And to the occasion rise, But she ain't gonna fuck no more. Pain is fun, Grab yourself a hedgehog, Hash Cash stepped hard into the fray, Gonna yank my diaphram, And give a real surprise, Chorus And tried to fill the breach, Gonna yank my diaphram, The following instructions, Gorey, gorey what a woman, But when he put it up inside, 'Til it bleeds, Will ensure that you do not fail, Gorey, gorey what a woman, She said it wouldn't reach, 'Til it bleeds. Simply ream out its ass with a hose pipe, Gorey, gorey what a woman, So she grabbed the Secretary, And shave the spines off his tail. 'Cause she ain't gonna fuck no more. And she sucked him like a leech, 452 But she ain't gonna fuck no more. Sexual Life of the Camel My name is Cecil, That whore had gone around the world, (To: Eaton Boating Song) I cum from Liecster Square, In and out of every bed, The Scribe stepped up and cried, I go all around the place, But though she tried with all her might, "The pen is mightier than the sword." The sexual life of the camel, With flowers in my hair, Her cunt felt almost dead, But when he jumped upon her, Is stranger than anyone thinks, For we're all queers together, But with all the fucking that she'd done, She just lay there looking bored. At the height of the mating season, That's why we go around in pairs, She had never cum, she said. She said, "You're really nothing, It tries to bugger the Sphinx. For we're all queers together, But she ain't gonna fuck no more. When you've whored like I have whored" But the Sphinx's posterior orifice, Now excuse us while we go upstarrs. But she ain't gonna fuck no more. Is blocked by the sands of the Nile, She almost quit then in despair, Which accounts for the hump on the camel, I went for a ride on a choo-choo, But then she had a flash, The Religious Adviser said a prayer, And Sphinx's inscrutable smile. And found I had to stand, She said "I've tried most everything, And called upon the gods, A little boy offered me his seat, But haven't tried the Hash! The only way to make her cum, Chorus So I went for it with my hand, And all those jerks are so pissed up, Was with his divine rod, Singing: bum-titty-titty, bum-titty-titty, titty- For we're all queers together, They'll never see the rash." But even with celestial help, bum. That's why we go around in pairs, But she ain't gonna fuck no more. He was like the other sods, Singing: bum-titty-titty, bum-titty-titty, aye. For we're all queers together, But she ain't gonna fuck no more. Singing: bum-titty-titty, bum-titty-titty, titty- Now excuse us while we go upstairs. And so one steaming Monday night, (Continued...) bum. She found the Anchor truck, All in the circle took their turns, Singing: bum-titty-titty, bum-titty-titty, aye. It was Christmas Eve in the harem She could see by the crazed looks in their eyes , The Germans and Frogs, The eunuchs all standing there, That she would have some luck, The Aussies, Yank and Pommies, She auctioned it out to men's cocks. 457 459 And even a couple of Wogs, And contracted diseases venereal: Shiner Beer The Short Cutter But the Dutchmen were the first in line, The more vulgar-minded say pox. (To: The Wild Rover) To shed their running togs, In the town of shiner in the Lone Star State, But she ain't gonna fuck no more. The dazzling peak of perfection, They're brewing a beer that tastes really great, I've been a short-cutter for many a year, There wasn't a fuck she would scorn, Makes me want to masturbate, And I've spent all my money, When they all had finished she said, She gave every man an erection: Oh, I love shiner beer. Down the ______, for the beer. "There's something I must tell, The more vulgar-minded say horn. Grab yourself a fist of lard, But now I'm reforming, I've laid here in the circle Work it up nice and hard, My name to restore, And watched all your pricks swell, Did you ever see Anna make water? Shoot your jism across the yard, And I never will be the short-cutter, no more. But for all the good you've done for me, It's a sight that you ought not to miss. Oh, I love shiner beer. You can all go straight to hell." She can lead for a mile and a quarter: Chorus But she ain't gonna fuck no more. The more vulgar-minded say piss. Mm, Mm, Mm, tastes so good, And its no nay never, (pause, then clap hands 3 Yes Yes Yes like I knew it would, times) They each had tried her one by one, If I had two balls like a bison, Take advice from this old croner, Will I be, a short-cutter, As she lay upon the grass, And a cock like a big buffalo, It don't matter if you're a loner, No never, no more. They'd jammed it up her cunt and mouth, I would sit on the edge of creation, Go ahead and cop that boner, And some had tried her ass, And piss on the buggers below. If you got shiner beer. I thought that the hare was a turning to right, The one thing that they hadn't tried, So I took off in that way, To cut off his flight. Was to fuck her all en masse, 455 All you ladies everywhere, But she ain't gonna fuck no more. She's My Girl Hold onto your underwear, But to my surprise, (To: Turkey in the Straw) Shiner makes you lose your cares, No more trail was thereon, What alone they didn't do, Oh, I love shiner beer. When I found the On In, the beer was all gone. They accomplished it in sum, Oh, the wiggle of her ass would make a dead To short-cut the beer gave me nothing but strife, With three pricks between each finger, man come, Mm, Mm, Mm, tastes so good, And 18 up her bum, Yes, Yes, Yes like I knew it would, Then I said I'll go sober, And the nipple on her tit is as big as my thumb, To my darling wife. And 16 each in cunt and mouth, She's a mean motherfucker, she's a great cock- (Slowly) She said "I think I've cum!" Shiner the best beer brewed in the cunt-tree. I short-cut the shower, sucker, When I'd been with them whores, But she ain't gonna fuck no more. She's my girl, she fucks! 458 Wasn't she pissed with Lip-stick in my drawers.

The city bells began to peel, Shitty Trail 456 When you ask for a screw, it is my belief, Her body began shake, (To: Mickey Mouse Club Song) Shiggy Fields You should tell the good lady, Exploding rockets lit the sky, (To: Cotton Fields) You'll put on a sheath. The earth began to quake, S-H-I, T-T-Y, T-R-A-I-L But being short-cutter, That one massive orgasm, When I was a little bitty baby, Shitty trail, (Shitty trail!) I forgot to one day, Was all that she could take, My Daddy took me in the cradle, Shitty trail, (Shitty trail!) And now the bitch tells me, I've twins on the But she ain't gonna fuck no more. In them old shiggy fields back home. The *mother fucker(s) gave us shitty trail! way.

When I was a little bitty baby, I would rather drink some beer, And when they climbed down off her My Daddy took me in the cradle, Than hash your shitty trail, "You must marry the girl, for what you have And they looked upon the ground, In them old shiggy fields back home. S-H-I, T-T-Y, T-R-A-I-L done," Nothing of her could be seen, Now when those shiggy fields get a muddy, Said her dad with a smile, And nothing could be found, And your arms and legs get a bloody, (*If female hare, you may substitute 'dizzy As he pointed his gun. They said though she was one good fuck, In them old shiggy fields back home. broad' or 'squating pisser'.) But being a short-cutter, She'd never be a Hash House Hound, You can hash in Louisiana, Alabama or Mon- That wasn't for me, For she ain't gonna fuck no more. tana, You don't buy the store when you want some Or them old shiggy fields back home. Candy. 454 (repeat until bored) She Went for a Ride in a Morgan Now dating a German is cheap for the price, They bonk before dinner, She went for a drive in a Morgan, And earn it but thrice. She sat with the driver in front. So you can short-cut the Fraulein, He fooled with her genital organs: Just don't take her out, The more vulgar-minded say cunt. And let her go hungry while you eat Sauerkraut. Now she had a figure ethereal, But the times they are nigh for me to repent, Push that one last bottle out of the way. shit! And watch what I do, Chorus I've run 16 miles on this trail of tears, And the money I spent. 'Cause you'll get Singha cock, Sixteen checks, what do you get? I lost my sole and I need a beer. (to chorus 2) No more a short-cutter, Some girls have all the luck, A little bit closer and a thirst you can't wet. "Oh is it my turn to shout?" They get it day and night for weeks on end, Can't drink, can't piss, I can't give up, Chorus "Well fuck-off you lot, I was on my way out!" But you won't look at me, I owe a down down when the hash cir-cles up. You run 16 miles and what'd you get? It's really sad to see, Another day older and covered in shit! 460 What that limp Singha cock has done to me. He was born a hasher and baptised in beer, Great Hasher don't you call me, because I fear, Sing a Song of Syphilis Singing in the Rain (see Zupata) He picked up his hash and he ran like a deer. I lost my sole and I need a beer. (To: Four and Twenty Blackbirds) He layed sixteen checks and a whole lot of trail, 462 And I curse his name, I want to whip his tail. 465 Sing a song of syphilis. Sir Jasper Skippy The Squirrel A penus full of pus. I'm getting so thirsty I don't think I can see, (To: Frosty the Snowman) For and twenty pox scabs, She wears her silk pajamas in the summer when My bladders empty, but I still gotta pee. Waiting to be bust. it's hot, I found sixteen checks and shiggy galore, Skippy the Squirrel is a jolly happy soul, And when her legs were opened, She wears her woolen nightie in the winter And I lost one shoe and my shorts I tore. With his smashed out brains and his broken Oh what a sight to see: when it's not, nose, Oozy gray-green matter, And some gravel up his hole. But later in the springtime, and early in the fall, An On-In is shining in the distant trees, All running with the pee. She jumps between the lily-white sheets with I see ole Gispert a wavin' to me.

nothing on at all. After sixteen checks just look at the beer, Skippy the Squirrel is a hasher's tale they say, 461 I've gone to hash heaven and I love it here! He was just too slow and the hashers know, Singha Cock Chorus 464 He was squished to death one day. (To: Those Were the Days) She's a most immoral lady, Sixteen Miles (To: Sixteen Tons)

She's a most immoral lady, Chorus There must have been some magic, More appropriate for harriettes to sing. You can She's a most immoral lady, You run 16 miles and what'd you get? In that old dead squirrel they found, substitute your local beer or drink for Singha, As she lay between the lily-white sheets with Another day older and covered in shit! For when they tied him to the bus he began to such as "Miller", "Foster's", "Guinness", nothing on at all. Great Hasher don't you call me, 'cause I can't fly around. "whisky", etc. go,

Oh, Sir Jasper do not touch me, I've short cut the trail and I've miles to go. Oh, Skippy the Squirrel is as dead as he can be, Once there was a time that we'd fuck all night, Oh, Sir Jasper do not touch me, But the hashers say he can hash and play, Now any more than once a month, no way, Oh, Sir Jasper do not touch me, Well, I woke up this morning in a bed - not Just the same as you and me. I'm always asking for a little extra, As she lay between the lily-white sheets with mine. (whistle interlude) But you shy away and say, "Oh, not today." nothing on at all. With my Nike's in my hands, left for ON-ONs Skippy the Squirrel knew the sun was hot that to find. day, 'Cause you've got Singha cock, Oh, Sir Jasper do not! I started with my buddies at half past three, So he said, "Lets run, Some girls have all the luck, Oh, Sir Jasper do not! But I short-cut the trail, now I'm an SCB. And we'll have some fun, before I rot away." They get it day and night for weeks on end, Oh, Sir Jasper do not! Well, I looked for trail all over the place. But you won't look at me, As she lay between the lily-white sheets with I could'a followed on's but I wanted to race. Down to the Apres, with a rope tied to his tail, It's really sad to see, nothing on at all. Thought I'd get ahead - thought it'd be so boss, Flying here and there, all around the square, What that limp Singha cock has done to me. But I followed my ass, now I'm lost, lost, lost! Saying , "You'll go straight to hell."

Oh, Sir Jasper do! etc. I used to worry about another woman, Well, I asked the Hare how much further to run. He led them down the trail that day, Who was taking you away from me, Ohhh, Sir Jasper! etc. He held up both hands - said "Let me show you Right to a parking lot, But then I learned the cause of your deflation, son. Where Monster Bator licked a girl, Wasn't someone else sat on your knee. Just count these fingers and multiply by nine." Whose father called a cop. It was that Singha cock, Ohhh! etc. Oh, Great Hasher, please show me a sign! Some girls have all the luck, Monster and Skippy had to hurry out of there, They get it day and night for weeks on end, 463 Sixteen Checks So I've run for hours under the blazing sun. But they waved good-bye, But you won't look at me, I really don't know how far I've run. Sayin ', "Don't you cry, we'll be back again next It's really sad to see, (To: Sixteen Tons) I wanted a cold beer but I'll settle for wine, year." What that limp Singha cock has done to me. Oh, Great Hasher for some fruit of the vine, Some peo-ple say a trail is made out of mud, Thumpety thump thump, thumpety thump So, boys as you swig upon that bottle, A hash-er's made out of beer soaked blood, Beer and blood, skin and bones, Great Hasher won't you call me, I'm having fits. thump, Please remember what we have to say, I've short-cut the trail, And now I'm covered in Hear those squirrellies die, If you want to play when you go home horny, A mind that's half, a sex drive that's strong. Thumpety thump thump, thumpety thump appears.) 469 Spiders In My Hair thump, Pack: Somebody puked on me. Southside Parade (To: Strangers in the Night) Look at Skippy fly. I drank it up and turned around, (To: Walking in a Winter Wonderland) Pack: Somebody puked on me. Spiders in my hair, 466 I spilled some beer upon the rug, Subtitle: Only Real Men Run the SouthSide How fucking frightful, Sod 'Em All With op-en mouth I ate a bug, Spiders in my hair, Got a shot from good ole Doug, Lacy things, have gone missing, Far from delightful, Sod 'em all, sod 'em all, Oh, Didn't ask her permission, This humongous bug, The long and the short and the tall, All: Somebody puked on me. They're wearing her clothes, Could be poisonous. Sod all the sergeants and W.O. ones, Her silk panty-hose, Sod all the corporals and their bastard sons. Chorus And running 'round in womens' underwear. Running down my back, For we're saying goodbye to them all, Songmaster: It makes my skin crawl, As back to their billets they crawl, Spoken- Join in when you learn it. Chorus Disappears into my crack, You'll get no promotion this side of the ocean, Oh, I'm gettin' shitfaced and sick-er. Okay guys, if you wanna, Down by my left ball, So cheer up my lads, sod 'em all. My damn ole lady (ma-an) is mad. You can dress like Madonna, Now I'm fucking sick, I'm gettin' shitfaced and sick-er, Put on some eyeshade, It's headed for my dick. Sod 'em all, sod 'em all, 'Cause I ain't been nothin' but bad. Make a SouthSide parade, The skipper, the jimmy and all, Go running 'round in womens' underwear. It's way past time to drop, Sod all the yeomen and C.P.O. tels, Songmaster: Screwed a bimbo in the chair, On ET, there is a teddy, My pants and leap, Sod the chief sloshies and their bleeding smells. Pack: Somebody puked on me. Little straps, like spaghetti, Around in crazy dance... For we're saying goodbye to them all, Spilled some beer all in her hair, It hugs him real tight, Fuck this jungle shit, As back to their hammocks they crawl, Pack: Somebody puked on me. Like Primo's handcuffs at night, Give me some urban, You'll get no promotion this side of the ocean, Screwed her once and screwed her twice, He's running 'round in womens' underwear. My hair is full of webs, So cheer up my lads, sod 'em all. Although head was filled with lice, A sticky turban, Grabbed her hair and screwed her thrice, The SouthSide GM, he's a fancy fella, I may soon be dead, Sod 'em all, sod 'em all, Oh, He likes to put them onto auto-pay, Before this hash is through. The jaunty, the crusher and all, All: Somebody puked on me. About blokes in dresses, Sod all the shipwrights and C.P.O. cooks, He says "No way! Now I'm back on trail, Sod all the paybobs with their bleeding books. Songmaster: "But running in your high heels, that's Okay." Then just like alwlays, For we're saying goodbye to them all, Now for the third verse, when I point to you, Without fucking fail, As back to their hammocks they crawl, answer, Over the hills, see them coming, I see the "On Back," You'll get no promotion this side of the ocean, "I'm gonna puke on you!" SouthSide Hashers are running,Dressed up like Webs hanging from my face, So cheer up my lads, sod 'em all. Bo-Peep, I turn back in disgrace. My woman walked in-to the room, 'Cause they're all into sheep, Sod 'em all, sod 'em all, I'm gonna puke on you! And running 'round in womens' underwear. I've risked my life for little gain, The admiral, the flag-jack and all, I won't be getting married soon, I'll have to run the hash again, and Sod all the O.A.s and E.A.s as well, I'm gonna puke on you! On SouthSide Hash, there's a guy called Panda, Then I see the tracks in jungle clearing, Sod the chief stoker and send him to hell. She left me for a guy name Rick, He likes to pretend that he's not gay, With you crazy fucks, all sweat and beering, For we're saying goodbye to them all, But took the time to kick my dick, He says, "Are you ready?" You just don't fucking care, As back to their hammocks they crawl, And now I'm getting really sick, We say, "No way! About spiders in my hair. You'll get no promotion this side of the ocean, Oh, I'm gonna puke on you! Well--do you think these shoes will be okay?" So cheer up my lads, sod 'em all. 471

468 Come and join SouthSide Hashers, Square Dance 467 Sound of Hashers They don't mind if you're flashers, Somebody Puked On Me (To: Do, Re, Mi) They'll dress you all up, Up with the petticoat, (To: Somebody Snitched On Me) Put on a "B" cup, Down with the pants,

Give ______a beer, a really big beer, And run around in womens' underwear. In with the pecker, Songmaster: We will watch him drink it down. Everyone dance. Spoken and sung- Let's here it, "Somebody Girls, you know if he drinks it all, Girls with the rags on, puked on me!" (Slower) He will never get it up. For they're not adverse, Up against the wall. Pack repeats Oh, the stories sad to tell, Guys with hardons, To dressing reverse, It picked up and then it fell. And running 'round in womens' underwear. Promenade the hall. Songmaster: OK, You would die if you could see, Gals grab your partners, I grabbed a beer for my Down Down, ______slap his tiny wee-wee. Firmly by the balls. (Songmeister points to pack each time this line 470 Make him holler, make him shout, (Continued...) Sunstroke, syphilis, and varicose veins.You feel He thought of all the hounds drinking Shiner at Put your pretty ass, up against his snout. You gave me clap and you wear gold, like your water's cut off at the mains, the truck, First lady go, second lady pass, My motorcycle you have sold, When you've got sunstroke, syphilis, and vari- And the bastards who left early so that they Third lady's finger up the fourth man's ass. To pay my bills at Adam and Eve, cose veins. could have a fuck, Finger out, promenade the hall, The fruits of love are never free, But our poor bloke was miles away, and he was Now release the poor gent's balls. All I ask is one more suck 475 out of luck, Then down with the petticoat, But you don't even give a fuck, Super Hasher Oh, he ain't gonna Hash no more. Up with the pants, Oh, please go down on me, Suckanya. (To: Battle Hymn of the Republic) For this is the end of the, Oh, in the gathering darkness, he ran o'er the Old Square Dance. Your Thai husband threw me out, He started off at five, as the GM cried "On-On," fields, 472 Tell me what it's all about, Loping o'er the hedges to the blowin' of the Trampling the new rice crops he could neither Subic Hashional Anthem Now you're into sniffing glue, horn, see nor feel, (To: Makin' Whoopee) Does this mean that we are through, But the run it was a righty, and the poor bloke But the farmer he was watching, and he began I love you with all my heart, went straight on, Oh, to squeal, There was a hasher, of forty-five, So don't cut off my private part, he ain't gonna Hash no more. Oh, he ain't gonna Hash no more. Not much to look at, but he's alive, Oh, please go down on me, Suckanya. He's a disaster, he's our grand master, Chorus He thought that he might make it now, so glee- When hashin', runnin', drinkin', oo-oo-oh. 474 Gory, gory, what a hell of a way to die, fully he sang, Sunstroke, Syphilis, and Varicose Veins Gory, gory, what a hell of a way to die, But then he glanced behind him, and the farmer There was a sailor, who fell in love, (To: Calypso) Gory, gory, what a hell of a way to die, bared his fangs, He met the girl, he was dreamin' of, Oh, he ain't gonna Hash no more. And reached into his waistband for his trusty But he wouldn't marry'er, she's a clap carrier, You wake up in the morning in a terrible rage, sharp parang, So now he's hashin', runnin', drinkin', oo-oo-oh. Your mouth, it fees like an unswept cage, He ran through the bushes to the cheering of the Oh, he ain't gonna Hash no more. You got lead in pants, you've got fluff in your throng, There was an ensign, who liked to smile, brains. Following their happy cries, he felt he wasn't The farmer leapt out after him, his doorway still When thinkin' of down-downs, durin' her last You've got sunstroke, syphilis, and varicose wrong, unshut, mile, veins. But the cunning little bastards were just string- For the only thing he'd wanted in all his life was She chugs beer better, in Barrio Barretta, ing him along, but, When she's hashin', runnin', drinkin', oo-oo-oh. You've got sunstroke, syphilis, and varicose Oh, he ain't gonna Hash no more. Some Hasher's balls adorning the mantel of his veins. hut, There was a hasher, who was in distress, Sunstroke, syphilis, and varicose veins. He ran on through the forests as the daylight Oh, he ain't gonna Hash no more. Till he biblically knew our, grand mistress, The agony goes, but the order remains, turned to gray, He's her spiritual advisor, she's his appetizer, You've got sunstroke, syphilis, and varicose Searching for the flour, but it was far away, In a blazing burst of speed our hound took off When hashin', runnin', drinkin', oo-oo-oh. veins. And he knew he had to find it so he could run across the fields, another day, The farmer he was losing ground, but now his 473 Your legs, you realize are far from limber, Oh, he ain't gonna Hash no more. fate was sealed, Suckanya Your teeth, they chatter like a baby marimba, It was approaching darkness, and many hills For ahead there was a shiggy-pit with no bloody (To: Oh, Diana) You call the doctor, and he explains, he'd crossed, way to yield, You've got sunstroke, syphilis, and varicose He'd traversed mighty rivers, as he dreamt of Oh, he ain't gonna Hash no more. I'm so young and you're so old, veins. getting sauced, You've had a baby I've been told, But now he began to realize that he was just He teetered on the edge of that dark and dismal I don't care what my friends say, You've got sunstroke, syphilis, and varicose fucking lost, pit, I'll pay your bar fine any day, veins. Oh, he ain't gonna Hash no more. And then, in desperation, he jumped into its You and I shall never part, Sunstroke, syphilis, and varicose veins. midst, I'll give you five hundred bhat, You're full of genital and vascular pains, He ran on past small shacks lit with dim and And as he sank from sight he cried, "What a Oh, please go down on me, Suckanya. You got sunstroke, syphilis, and varicose veins. flickering tapers, fucking crock of shit!" He damned the hare and co-hare for not laying Oh, he ain't gonna Hash no more. I bought you a house and brand new car, We call in the specialists from all the nations, much more paper, In the Rock Hard you're a star, They say you got the usual complications, And also the "Pervert," the bleeding fornicator, You go out late every night, The sunstroke loses, and the syphilis gains, Oh, he ain't gonna Hash no more. Come home at noon, oh, what a sight, And for the rest of your life you got varicose In your heart I'll always stay, veins. As long as I can pay, pay, pay, Oh, please go down on me, Suckanya. Sunstroke, syphilis, and varicose veins. So, if you go a'runnin' upon a Sunday night, Thought she'd take a virgin home and try to get Now six months later and all is not well One day I stuck in my finger, And come across a shiggy-pit upon the left or between her, There’s something the matter with our Sweet And pulled it out covered with shit. right, The virgin said, "Oh no please sir, I don't know Nell Remember our poor Hasher and his shit-i-i-ful where it's been, sir," For under her apron can plainly be seen I sat in a gold lavatory, plight, Mary Jane said, "It's factory fresh," and intro- The result of the works of my threshing ma- In the home of the Baron of Split, Oh, he ain't gonna Hash no more. duced a wiener. chine. The seat was encrusted with rubies, Um-diddle-diddle-diddle, Um-diddleye, But as usual the bowl contained shit. 476 Um-diddle-diddle-diddle, Um-diddleye. Oh father, oh father, I’ve come to confess Supercallousflagellisticexpectcunnilingus I’ve just got a girl in a hell of a mess My brother he worked in a sewer, (To: Supercallifragilisticexpialidosious) 477 Her dress is all swollen and her tits are all bear Some lamps they had to be lit, Sweet Antoinette There’s something inside her that shouldn’t be One evening there was an explosion, Chorus (To: Sweet Adeline) there. And my brother was covered with shit. Supercallousflagellisticexpectcunnilingus, Queers like to take it up the bum from dildoes, Sweet Antoinette, Oh son, oh son, you should have known better Phyllis Quat took a bag to her boyfriend's, dicks, or fingers, Your pants are wet. When I was your age I used a French Letter But the bag was old and it split, Lesbians like their tonguing slow to make the You say it's sweat. Oh father, oh father, believe me you must Now the boyfriend and Phyllis have parted, climax linger, It's piss, I bet. I used a French Letter, but the bloody thing For the bag was packed full of shit. But Supercallousflagellisticexpectcunnilingus, In all my dreams, bust. Now baby was eating an apple, Um-diddle-diddle-diddle, Um-diddleye, Your bare ass gleams. They thought he had swallowed a pit, Um-diddle-diddle-diddle, Um-diddleye. You're the wrecker, Now nine months later all is now well But when they examined his appy, Of my pecker, A son has been born to our Sweet Nell They found it was covered with shit. My fat Auntie Ethel was into suits of rubber, Antoinette. And under his nappy can plainly be seen

Then she met the Michelin Man and took him as A brand new twin cylinder threshing machine. Well, now my song it is ended, 478 a lover, And I have finished my bit, Sweet Nell But they used a diesel tube for enemas on each 479 And if any of you feel offended, other, Sweet Violets Stick your head in a bucket of shit. The explosion rocked the city hall and covered There once was a farmer and I knew him quite well, it in blubber. Chorus 480 And he had a daughter by the name of Sweet Um-diddle-diddle-diddle, Um-diddleye, Sweet violets, sweeter that the roses, Swilligan's Island Nell. Um-diddle-diddle-diddle, Um-diddleye. Covered all over from head to toe, (To: Gilligan's Island Theme) She was so pretty and only nineteen, Covered all over in SHIT, SHIT, SHIT! Uncle John likes whips and knives and ladies to I showed her the way of my threshing machine. disfigure, Just sip yer brew and you'll hear a tale, My father was a coal miner, A tale of a drunken hash. Auntie Kath likes to be tied and whipped with Chorus He worked in a deep, dark pit, That started with a keg of beer, bamboo canes or wicker, I had her, I had her, I had her aye ay Sometimes he'd shovel up coal dust, And everyone got trashed, She said, "Whip me, whip me, and make me I had her 10 times in one day And sometimes he'd shovel up shit. And everyone got trashed. writhe and slither," And though she way only the age of nineteen

He said, "No, I'll tickle you, that will make my I showed her the way of my threshing machine My brother was a pilot, dick get stiffer." The first hare was a brainless cooch, And he never wanted to quit, His co-hare was half as smart. Um-diddle-diddle-diddle, Um-diddleye, The barn door was open one bright sunny day Sometimes he'd land on the runway, Two hundred some odd half-minds, Um-diddle-diddle-diddle, Um-diddleye. And in the corner was a big bale of hay And sometimes he'd land on the shit. Took off in a cloud of farts. She worked my throttle and I gave her the steam Took off in a cloud of farts. Uncle Cyril, we always knew, was into brown And together we worked on my threshing ma- My wife, she died on the toilet, hattery, chine. She died of a horrible fit. He stuck a dildo up his boyfriend's bum with The hills got steep, the shiggy deep, lots of beer and flattery, And to satisfy her last wishes, The back checks had them fooled. "Take it out and I'll give you dick," he said quite She was buried in six feet of shit. Then someone found the beer stop, matter of factly, And everybody drooled, "Oh no, please don't take it out but kindly My father went to the woodshed, And everybody drooled. change the battery!" Some wood he wanted to split, Um-diddle-diddle-diddle, Um-diddleye, But when he grabbed hold of the handle, The mud had sucked their sneakers off, Um-diddle-diddle-diddle, Um-diddleye. He found it was covered with shit. Their legs were ripped a lot. But once they had their nectar, Mary Jane looks like a man but on little girls Phyllis Quat kept a sack in the garden, The trail they soon forgot. she's keener, I was curious I must admit, The trail they soon forgot. 484 and ale, Well, I was tired, I was glad to hear, The moral is no matter how, That Old Toyota Truck And then, maybe I'll do a down-down, a hasher ahead yell out "beer near!" Much shiggy's on your trail, (To: My Old Kentucky Home) Maybe I'll do a down-down. This trail had reached the end. A hashin' twit don't give a shit, And what I found made me shed a tear. While he's swilling his ale, I found her while I was lost and off the trail, Well, that day, I pulled in, It was four ice chests packed full of beer, While he's swilling his ale. She was slopping hogs and holding a pail; To where this hash was to begin, 'Cause a cold one is a hasher's favorite friend. Barefoot and shorts and long legs up to her And encountered quite a motley crew. "Bring forth the virgin!" they began to yell, 481 womb, They hit me up for a little cash, then sang a song about heaven and hell, Swing Low And I knew I had to have some tail. Then introduced me 'round the hash, I downed my first one fast, See Hash Hymn. The sun shines bright on my old Toyota truck, With nicknames that seemed to be quite crude. Oh, but it would not be my last. I sweat on the seat as I fuck; They pulled me aside for a little talk, The down-down accusations flew, 482 Her pussy's ripe and her tits are all in bloom; To explain those markings made with chalk. We sang an obscene song or two. Teddy Bears' Picnic Her nipple gets hard when I suck. Then the whole group began to jam. Hey hasher, toss me another brew, Man, I dig that Father Abraham! The day I found the hash. If you go down to the woods today, Chorus With a sudden shout and a whistle blast, And we were shouting... You're in for a big surprize. Weep no more you hashers! The entire pack hit the trail at last. If you go down to the woods today, Weep no more to day! And I was catching on real fast, And as so often does occur, You'll never believe your eyes. We will sing one song for that old Toyota truck, The day I found the hash. all the rest is just a blur. 'Cause Mum and Dad are having a screw, That old Toyota truck, got me laid. And we were shouting.... But I had lots of fun they say. Uncle Frank is having a wank, And I kept going back for more. And Auntie D is having it off with Granddad. As hashers sing about sex around the beers, Well, this trail was not hard to track, My old friends now seem such a bore. While glancing at sheep or at steers; But I noticed when I was looking back, I prefer the hedonistic hashing way. Those angel bears have come on their bikes, A woman's moan is the only happy tune, A hasher had gone astray. With this hasher's life I've come to grips. All dressed in their leather gear. This lost and horny hasher hears. He said, "I know these hares and where they'll Vacations are all hash road trips. There's gallons of scrumps all green with lumps, I hunt no more for the trail or for the whore, go, New friends in each city, And horrible Watney's beer. In the meadow, the hill and the shore; We'll be way ahead of the pack, you know." Exposing ass and titty. Now one of 'em downed a pint of it quick, I sing no more, chug a beer or flash a moon, So I followed. Surely this guy knows the way. And I guess I'll be a hashin' guy, And then was promptly horribly sick, I'm pussy-whipped and hash no more. But as the pack faded away, Until the day I fuckin' die. And filled up Paddington Bear's new wellies. His confidence fell to decay. But I won't forget the day that I, 485 I thought we were so shrewd, the day, I found the hash. The Day I Found the Hash But now we're really screwed! Forever singin'... 483 Ten Sticks of Dynamite (By Babe Thruster. To: American Pie) So I turned back for a trail more true, I was cussin' that hasher and his mother too. 486 (To: Hundred Bottles of Beer on the Wall) The Farting's Over A long, long time ago, Yes, I was singin' short-cutter's blues, The day I found the hash. (To: The Party's Over) Ten sticks of dynamite hanging on the wall, I can still remember, And we were shouting... The farting's over, Ten sticks of dynamite hanging on the wall, when flour was for baking bread. And now I will really pay. If one stick of dynamite should happen to fall, And often on my training run, (As with original song, tempo changes here) I burst my bloody bowel, THERE'D BE NO FUCKING DYNAMITE, It occurred to me this is no fun. And blew my moon away. AND NO FUCKING WALL! I'd rather be out drinking beer instead. Twiggy shiggy, this swamp's a biggie, But I plunged right in just like a barn yard pig- I'll give my beer up - , Then one day fate stepped in. Drink ga-ter-ade. I was running with a new-found friend. gy, And sank down to my balls. Just made my mind up, He told me there's a group here, The piper must be paid, that never gets too much beer. The trail finally took some higher ground, But a thorny vine my ankle found, The farting's over. I don't recall if I was brash, The candle blew like a torch, When I first heard all that half-mind trash. And like Humpty, I had a great fall.So now my leg was streaked with blood, I danced and screamed through the night, But my life changed in a flash, I singed every hair on my bloody ass. The day I found the hash.So... As it flowed down through the dried-on mud, But I guessed this was not rare, I blew my ass out, But farts must end, 'Cause no one seemed to care. And as I hashed on past shrub and tree, Now I must pass out, The farting's over, Chorus I developed my philosophy, That a shiggy trail's the trail for me, It's all over, On, On, get your ass on the trail. My friend. We've been on flour for an hour can't let shiggy The day I found the hash, And we were shouting.... prevail. 487 'Cause we know at the end we've got cold beer The Hashers Go Running One by One Decent young lady, but walked like a duck, They throw a great party each year, I'm going back to the apres, (By Smoking Wiener, To: The Ants Go March- She thought she'd invented a new way to... With strays and gays in wild parades, To chase after bimbo tail. ing One By One) Bring up the children, to sew and to knit, And Po' Boys with Dixie beer. The hashers go running one by one. On-On! On- The boys in the stable were shoveling... Well, there is a house in Nittany Valley, On! Litter and paper from yesterday's hunt, Grand Masters, tell your hashers, They call the Harriers, The hashers go running one by one. On-On! On- And old farmer Potter was having some... Take your whistles and go, And it's been the salvation of many a poor boy, On! Cake in the stables and singing this song, 'Cause Cajuns there, are rednecks and queers, And God, I know, I'm there. The hashers go running one by one, If you think that's dirty, They take you on blow for blow. the little one stops to shoot his cum. You're fucking well wrong! 492 And they all go running down to the ground The only thing a hasher needs, These Foolish Things To get out of the shite, boom, boom, boom! Chorus Is a butt plug and a mug,One to keep queers out Sweet violets, sweeter than the roses, of their rears, A pair of boobies in a loose brassiere, 2 by 2 - have a screw Covered all over from head to toe, The other so they can chug. A cunt that twitches like a moose's ear, 3 by 3 - take a pee Covered all over in shit, shit, shit, shit! A dirty rubber in my glass of beer, 4 by 4 - slam a whore The virgins show up early, These foolish things remind me of you. 5 by 5 - go muff dive (Spoken) You want it cleaner? They drink, pass out, and are through, 6 by 6 - pick up tricks There once was a farmer who took a young The experienced hashers cum later, To get it in you need some Vaseline, 7 by 7 - pinch eleven miss, And cover the virgins in goo. To get it out you need a towing machine, 8 by 8 - masturbate To the back of the barn where he gave her a... A douche bag filled with gasoline, 9 by 9 - do a line Lecture on horses and chickens and eggs, As hashers get up in the morning, These foolish things remind me of you. 10 by 10 - get laid again And told her that she had such beautiful... Most of them wish they were dead, Manners that suited a girl of such charms, There's a little man with a hammer, 488 A naked photograph of Liberace, A girl that he wanted to take in his... Banging inside of their heads. The Shady Bunch The smile you show when I say, "Such a Washing and ironing, and then if she did, hotche," (To: The Brady Bunch) They could get married and raise up a... Now the moral of our story, Syphilitic scars that make your face so blotchy, Mardi Gras is a blast, These foolish things remind me of you. Here's the story, (Spoken) Too clean? From the Emerald Coast, we propose a toast, Of a First Lady, Suzanne was a lady with plenty of class, Merci, with our tits and ass. Who was fighting off three very naughty girls. A running sore beside an open hole, Who knocked the boys dead when she wiggled 491 All of them have had Her Man, like the others, A Kotex floating in my toilet bowl, her... There is a House In Nittany Valley A pubic hair on my breakfast roll, The youngest one... or-al. Eyes at the fellows as girls sometimes do, (To: House of the Rising Sun) It's the story, of a man Slick Willy, These foolish things remind me of you. To make it quite plain that she wanted to... Who was busy with three sharks of his own. Go for a walk or a stroll through the grass, There is a house in Nittany Valley, They were four men, dodging each other, And hurry back home for a nice piece of... Lipstick traces on an old French letter, They call the Harriers, A dose of 'you-know-what' that won't get better, Over a land deal blown. Cake and ice cream and pieces of roast duck, And it's been the salvation of many a poor boy, Till the one day when Lewinsky met this fellow. And after this meal she was ready to... And when I piss it stings, And God, I know, I'm there. These foolish things remind me of you. And they lied about the times He was her Go for a walk or a stroll on the dock, Lunch, With any young man with a sizable... My Mother was Inferior, Then this group, it somehow became scandle. Roll of green bills and pretty good front, The dirty panties in the cracked washbasin, That's the way they all became The Shady An Ann Arbor harriette, The broken jerry that I washed my face in, And if he spoke softly she'd show him her... My father was the Reverend Poon Tang, Bunch. Little pet dog who was subject to fits, The bed with creaking springs, The Shady Bunch, The Shady Bunch, A Chemical Waste hasher yet. These foolish things remind me of you. And maybe let him grab ahold of her... That's the way... they became The Shady Little white hand with a movement so quick, Bunch! And then she'd lean over and tickle his... Now the only thing a hasher needs, When I awoke upon the morning after, Chin while she showed what she once learned in Is a shag bag and a beer, I saw your tits and pissed myself with laughter, 489 France, The only time that he is satisfied, Oh, how the left one swings, There Was an Old Farmer And ask the poor fellow to take off his... Is when the beer is near. These foolish things remind me of you. Coat while she sang of the Mandalay Shores, The birth control book with its well worn pages, There was an old farmer who sat on a rock, And whatever she was, Suzanne wasn't a whore. Oh Mother, tell your children, The contraceptive which comes off in stages, Shaking and waving his big hairy... To do what I did dare, Oh, how my foreskin stings, First at the ladies next door at the Ritz, 490 To live their lives in sin and ecstasy, These foolish things remind me of you. Who taught the young children to play with There is a Hash In New Orleans As a Hash House Harrier. their... (To: The House of the Rising Sun) 493 Kite strings and marbles and all things galore, With one foot on the beer check, They Call The Wind Maria Along came a lady who looked like a... There is a hash in New Orleans, The other foot on the trail, (To: Maria. Maria is pronounced like the girl's name in this version.) They'd be blind if they wanked. 497 495 They yanked out their puds, Three German Officers Away out here they got a name, This Old Man And away they did wank, (To: Mademoiselle from Armentieres) For wind and shit and pee-a. (To: This Old Man) Three blind wanks, The pee is one, the shit is two, Three blind wanks. Three German Officers crossed the Rhine, And they call the wind Ma-ri-a. This old man, he fucked one, Parlez Vous? Maria blows your dick so hard, Fucking one was so much fun. Three German Officers crossed the Rhine, It sends her farts a flyin'. Parlez Vous? Maria makes an awful sound, Chorus Three German Officers crossed the Rhine, And all around her's dyin'. With a nick-nack paddy-wack, Fucked the women and drank the wine, He gave the dog his bone, Inky pinky parlez vous. Ma-ri-a! Ma-ri-a! Fucked his dog and made him moan. They call the wind Maria! They came upon a wayside inn, This old man, he fucked two, Parlez Vous? Before I knew Maria's name, A sheep and then a kangaroo. They came upon a wayside inn, And felt her lips a suckin'. This old man, he fucked three, Parlez Vous? I had a girl and she had me, Put mirrors up so he could see. They came upon a wayside inn, And we were always fuckin'. This old man, he fucked four, Pissed on the mat and walked right in, But then one day I left my girl, After three he bought a whore. Inky pinky parlez vous. Because Maria felt me. And now I'm dying in that wind, This old man, he fucked five, (continue as above with following lines) Not even God can help me. Two were dead and three alive. "Oh, landlord have you a daughter fair," etc. Ma-ri-a! Ma-ri-a! This old man, he fucked six, "With lily-white tits and golden hair," etc. They call the wind Maria! Had his sister turning tricks. Ma-ri-a! Ma-ri-a! "Oh, yes I have but she's too young" Blow no wind to me! This old man, he fucked seven, "To sleep with a German stinking hun." 494 The youngest one was just eleven. Things Go Better with Coke "Oh father dear I'm not too young," (To: Coca Cola Jingle) "To sleep with a German stinking hun." This old man, he fucked eight, Blown by one and it felt great. Harriers' Verses: Up the rickety stairs they went,

This old man, he fucked nine, Threw her down upon the bed, Tits go better with Coca Cola, God this orgy's just divine. Tits go better with Coke. They tied her to the leg of the bed, Pour it onto the nipples for a taste. This old man, he fucked ten, Fucked her till she was nearly dead, Tits go better with Coke. He shouted out, "Let's do it again." They took her down a shady lane, Cunts go better with Coca Cola, This old man, he fucked eleven, Fucked her back to life again, Cunts go better with Coke. Pour it in then just lap it all right up. Died of V.D. and went to heaven. With a nick-nack paddy-wack, The fucked her up the fucked her down, Cunts go better with Coke. They fucked her right around the town, Now his dog is all alone, No one left to make him moan. Harriettes' Verses: (end) They fucked her in the fucked her out, They fucked her up the water-spout, Dicks go better with Coca Cola, 496 Dicks go better with Coke. Three Blind Wanks Seven months went and all was well,Eight Just rinse it down and you will not smell a thing. (To: Three Blind Mice) months went and she started to swell, Dicks go better with Coke.

Three blind wanks, Nine months later she gave a grunt, Cum goes better with Coca Cola, Three blind wanks, And a little white bastard popped out of her Cum goes better with Coke. See how they yank, cunt, Just a swig and that taste will go away. See how they yank, Cum goes better with Coke. Their Mothers said, The little white bastard grew and grew, They fucked her in, they fucked her out, etc... And they say he's gone to Hell, I came home on Saturday night, He fucked his mother and his sister, too, They fucked her up the water spout. And there he fucks the Devil, As drunk as I could be. And I hope he fucks him well. And there was a hat upon the rack, The little white bugger he went to Hell, Three months went by and all was, etc... Where my hat ought to be. He fucked the Devil and his wife as well. well, Six months later she started to swell. 500 So I said to my wife, the curse of my life, Tired of Life "Explain this thing to me, 498 Nine months later she gave a grunt, etc... Whose is that hat upon the rack, Three Visiting Hashers And a lithe hasher popped out of her cunt. O, I was tired of life, Where my hat ought to be?" (To: Mademoiselle from Armentieres) I lay down in the gutter. The little hasher he grew and grew, etc... A little piggy came along, "Oh, you're drunk you fool, Three visiting hashers came over here, He fucked his mother and his sister too. And lay down by my side. You silly old fool, Parlez vous? A lady passing by was heard to mutter, You're as drunk as a cunt can be, Three visiting hashers came over here, The little hasher he went to hell, etc... "You can always tell who boozes, That's not a hat upon the rack,But a chamberpot Parlez vous? And there he started a hash as well. By the company he chooses." you see." Three visiting hashers came over here, And the little pig got up and walked away, To fuck our women and drink our beer, 499 (And walked a-way). Well, I've traveled this wide world over, Inky pinky parley vous, oh blimey. The Tinker Ten thousand miles or more, 501 But a jerry with a hatband on, Tokyo Hash Song I never saw before. They came upon a down-down, The lady of the manor, Parlez vous? (To: The Wild Rover) Was dressing for the ball, They came upon a down-down, When she spied a highland tinker, I came home on Saturday night, I flew into Tokyo, an expat so neat, Parlez vous? Wanking up against the wall. As drunk as I could be, Some boozy old hashers I happened to meet, They came upon a down-down, And there was a horse in the stable, I asked to go hashing, they answered me, "Nay, Where my horse ought to be. They pissed all around and drank around. Chorus Inky pinky parley vous, oh blimey. For wimps such as you we can find any day!" So I said to my wife, the curse of my life, With his bloody great kidney wiper, "Explain this thing to me, And his balls the size of three, Chorus Whose is that horse in the stable, Oh, Grand Master have you a maiden fair, etc... And a yard and a half of foreskin, And its no nay never, no nay no never no more, Where my horse ought to be?" With blow job lips and stringy hair? Hanging down below his knee. Shall I play the wild hasher no never no more.

"Oh, you're drunk you fool, Oh, yes I have but she's too new, etc... The lady wrote a letter, I took out my checkbook all shiney & bright, You silly old fool, To sleep with stinking hashers like you. And in it she did say, The hash-cash's eyes they lit up with delight, You're as drunk as a cunt can be, "I'd rather be fucked by you, sir, He said "gladly we'll welcome you as one of our That's not a horse in the stable, Oh, Grandmaster I'm not too new, etc... Than his Lordship any day." rank, But a milk-cow you can see." After all, I've already slept with you. The tinker got the letter, As soon as your check has been cleared by the And when it he did read, bank". Yes, that's true, but your so sweet, etc... His balls began to fester, Well, I've traveled this wide world over, They sold me a T-shirt at exorbitant price, Perhaps you could just suck their feet And his prick began to bleed. Ten thousand miles or more, Then we went hashing, 'twas ever so nice, But a mild-cow with a saddle on, At the last checkpoint we lost three without I never saw before. Feet are fine but I prefer, etc... He mounted on his donkey, trace, They ride upon my mound of fur And he rode up to the strand, And back at the On On we all got shit faced. I came home on Saturday night, Up the old stairs she was led, etc...They threw His balls across his shoulder, her down upon the bed. And his penis in his hand. As drunk as I could be, I've hashed the world over in places far & near, And there were some boots beside the bed. I fondle the women and drunk all the beer, Where my boots ought to be. They tied her to the leg of the bed, etc... He fucked the cook in the kitchen, And now I'm returning with tales for to tell, So I said to my wife, the curse of my life, And fucked her 'til her cheeks were red. He fucked the maid in the hall, Of checkbacks unending and shortcuts through "Explain this thing to me, Then they took her to the shed, etc... And then he fucked the butler, hell. Whose are those boots beside the bed, And fucked her 'til she was nearly dead. The dirtiest trick of all. Where my boots ought to be?"

Now all I have left is a beer stained T-shirt, They took her down a shady lane, etc... And then he fucked the mistress, And my nikes are covered in shiggy & dirt, "Oh, you're drunk you fool, And fucked her back to life again. In ten minutes she was dead, My wife she has left me because of the pong, You silly old fool, With half a yard of foreskin, So this is the end of my terrible song. You're as drunk as a cunt can be, They fucked her up, they fucked her down, etc... Hanging round about her head. 502 Those aren't boots beside the bed, They fucked her right around the town. The Traveler But some slippers you see." The tinker now is dead, sir, Well, I've traveled this wide world over, "Oh, you're drunk you fool, you silly old fool, Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale , key change, big finish Ten thousand miles or more, You're as drunk as a cunt can be, Of the doom that is our fate. Now all this time we're boring you, But a pair of slipper with black feet in, That's not a cock a-standing there, That started when programmers used, The moral was too late. I never saw before. But a carrot that you see." Two digits for a date. When harriettes are young they need, Two digits for a date. Two digits for a date, I came home on Saturday night, Well, I've traveled this wide world over, Two digits for a date. As drunk as I could be, Ten thousand miles or more, Main memory was much smaller then; And there were some breeches beside the bed, But a carrot with balls on, Hard disks were smaller, too. But that is not the end you see, Where my breeches ought to be. I never saw before. "Four digits are extravagant, Through the years they masturbate, So I said to my wife, the curse of my life, So let's get by with two. When harriettes get old they need, "Explain this thing to me, I came home on Saturday night, So let's get by with two." Four digits for a date, Whose are those breeches a-lying there, As drunk as I could be, Four digits for a date. Where my breeches ought to be?" And there was stain on the counterpane, "This works through 1999," And it didn't come from me. The programmers did say. "Oh, you're drunk you fool, So I said to my wife, the curse of my life, "Unless we rewrite before that, You silly old fool, "Explain this thing to me, It all will go away. You're as drunk as a cunt can be, Whose is that stain on the counterpane, It all will go away." Those aren't a pair of breeches, Which didn't come from me?" But a polishing cloth, you see." But Management had not a clue: "Oh, you're drunk you fool, "It works fine now, you bet! Well, I've traveled this wide world over, You silly old fool, A rewrite is a straight expense; Ten thousand miles or more, You're as drunk as a cunt can be, We won't do it just yet.We won't do it just yet." But a polishing cloth with a buttons on, That's not a stain on the counterpane, I never saw before. But some baby's milk you see." Now when 2000 rolls around, Well, I've traveled this wide world over, It all goes straight to hell, I came home on Saturday night, Ten thousand miles or more, For zero's less than ninety-nine, As drunk as I could be, But baby's milk that smelled like cum, As anyone can tell. And there was head on the pillow, I never saw before. As anyone can tell. Where my head ought to be. So I said to my wife, the curse of my life, "Oh, you're drunk you fool, The mail won't bring your pension check. "Explain this thing to me, You silly old fool, It won't be sent to you Whose is that head a-lying there, You're as drunk as a cunt can be, When you're no longer sixty-eight, Where my head ought to be?" I ain't your wife, this ain't your house, But minus thirty-two. You're not living at all with me. But minus thirty-two. "Oh, you're drunk you fool, You silly old fool, Well I've traveled this wide world over, The problems we're about to face, You're as drunk as a cunt can be, Ten thousand miles or more, Are frightening, for sure. That's not a head on the pillow, It's the fifth time that I've stuffed this bird, And reading every line of code's, But a football you see." She ain't never complained before. The only certain cure. 503 The only certain cure. Well, I've traveled this wide world over, Twinkie, Twinkie, Little Hasher Ten thousand miles or more, (To: Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star) There's not much time, But a football with a mustache on, There's too much code. I never saw before. Twinkie, twinkie, little Hasher, And Cobol-coders, few, Can't you suck a little faster? When the century is finished with, I came home on Saturday night, Down upon my meat so slow, We may be finished, too. As drunk as I could be, Like a whale about to blow, We may be finished, too. And there was cock inside my bed,Where my Twinkie, twinkie, little Hasher, cock ought to be. Can't you suck a little faster? Eight thousand years from now I hope, So I said to my wife, the curse of my life, That things weren't left too late, "Explain this thing to me, 504 And people aren't then lamenting Whose is that cock a-standing there, Two Digits for a Date Four digits for a date. Where my cock ought to be?" (To: Gilligan's Island) Four digits for a date.

505 All you hashers in the crowd, There was high fat food and nekkid pot scrub- And it was somewhere about this time that I Two Hashers Hear us now and hear us loud, bin' passed out. (To: This Old Man) When you cum to Intercourse, They had videos showin' animal lovin' You'd better bring a date, Where this woman and her dog performed un- Now when finally I did come to Hashers: So you won't have to masturbate! speakable acts. You won't belive it but I swear it's true Two hashers, drove for miles, A pit from Hell opened up thar in that field From the Emerald Coast to Tybee Isle. 506 And while I'm on the subject of unspeakable And from that pit came laughin' and screamin' Uneasy Hasher acts About two dozen hellish demons Harrier Chorus (By Babe Thruster, To: Uneasy Rider, This was Their skit night took things to the max. They was all butt-nekid and red from head to With a couple of cunts, written as an Ode to Hedon, the annual camp- Yeah, they was all out there pushin' on that toe. And a cooler full of beer, ing event held by Atlanta area hashes.) envelope. How the fuck did we get here? They did the Full Monty and to my surprise Yeah, this here weren't no halucination I was on 85 headin' to ATL. A triple butt chug by these four guys. Them demons set out to runnin' and chasin' Harriettes: Had the A/C on 'cause it was hot as hell. That really seemed to get Erection Master's They was grabbin folks and castin' 'em into that Two harriettes, drove for miles, When all at once my radiator blew its top. goat. pit.. From the Emerald Coast to Tybee Isle. Well, I took a quick exit and drove around a bit. Well, I just sat there shocked as I could be Didn't know where I was goin' 'cause I couldn't And just when I thought I'd seen the worst of When I noticed a few of 'em lookin' at me Harriette Chorus see shit the hash And that's when I decided it was time to go. With a couple of cocks, And this here's what happened when I stopped. Up jumped these guys from the Carolina Trash I jumped up screamin' and away I went And a cooler full of beer, And they all commenced to settin' their dicks on I figured fuck my stuff and fuck my tent How the fuck did we get here? I seen these folks was havin' a camp-out event fire. There was no way in hell that I'd get caught And it just so happened I had my tent Now I wish I could tell ya I weren't participatin' Jumped into my truck and fled for my life Hashers: And I figured I'd hang out for a day or two. That I just sat back watchin and waitin' And I didn't look back like ol' Lots' wife Two hashers, in a truck, One thing was abundantly clear But if I did, I'd be a dadburned liar. 'cause I knew damn sure I'd turn to a pillar of One got blown and one got sucked. These folks could really drink some beer salt to harrier chorus So I grabbed me a cup and poured myself a Cause I hit them kegs five times an hour brew. And I ran through the woods on a trail of flour When I think back, you know I'm still amazed Harriettes: And I played in Shit Happens' question game By those crazy fuckers and the hell they raised Two harriettes, in a truck, The first thing I noticed that seemed kinda And I woke up early every morn And I wonder just what happened to that tent of One got banged and the other got fucked. strange To some asshole out there blowin a horn mine to harriette chorus Was the folks all had these funny names And drank bloody Marys to kill the hangover And I gotta admit I had a damn good time Like "Beats Me", "Bunny Banger" and "Screw pain. I wonder of folks' would think I'd lost my mind Ewe". If I went back in '99. Hashers: Two hashers, on the road, (Continued...) And I was takin to holler and curse While they drove they lost their load. They gave me a flyer and I started readin' And I ran nekkid with ol' Head Nurse to harrier chorus It said "welcome folks to ol' Camp Hedon" And afterwards never did put my clothes back And I wondered just what the hell I had gotten on. in to. And I blazed though shiggy till I was bleedin' Harriettes: And ended up in what's called sub-Hedon Two harriettes, on the road, Where I sang dirty songs and drank till damn While they drove their tits they showed. 'Cause they had frozen margaritas and beer galore near dawn. to harriette chorus Yeah, there I was breakin all the rules They had footprints on everything they wore That is for the ones that weren't walkin' 'round that Ms. Fletcher had taught me thar in Sunday All: nude. schoolAnd little did I know there'd be hell to Four hashers, stopped to dine, They had a big blue curtain called "The Wall of pay. At mile marker sixty-nine. Shame" Now Sunday afternoon weren't too busy Combined Chorus So the neighbors would have just themselves to So I staggered over to watch Izzy Dizzy With cunts and cocks, blame It's a beer chuggin' game hashers like to play. And a cooler full of beer, If their kids got traumatized by what they We fucked and sucked our way to here. viewed. And the one team there I really noticed Was the one lead by this dude called Otis Four hashers, they came late, They had co-ed showers with icy cold water His team was Gay 2000 without a doubt. Nabob stopped to masturbate. that would shrink your dick down to the size of Cause instead of spinnin' round them baseball to combined chorus a quarter bats And I never did get all the soap outta my crack. They were using some guy's nekkid ass 507 Give a wedgie to a veggie, boys Viagra, oh oh! Vagina Drink the pee of a broccoli, boys You've got me sold sold sold sold! Chorus (To: They Call the Wind Moriah) A gourd will always stay hard, girls Even though I start seeing blue, Caviar comes from the virgin sturgeon, Elope with a cantaloupe, girls That won't stop me from nailing you. The virgin sturgeon is a very fine fish, Some of them are hairy, Go goose a spruce, lads Doctor said there are other side effects, The virgin sturgeon needs no urging, Some of them are bald, Wine and dine a fine pine, men That I might get from this pill. That's why caviar is my dish. Some are kinda scary, Stuff some grass up your ass, boys I'll get an upset stomach or my head might start And this is what they're called, Debauchery with the shrubbery, boys feeling ill, I gave caviar to my girlfriend, Rub your tube with a tuber, boys But I don't care, just as long as I get laid more She's a virgin through and through, Chorus Wheat germ makes your squirm, girls than President Bill. Since I gave my girlfriend caviar, VAGINA!, VAGINA! Rub your slit hard with rhubarb, girls Viagra, oh oh! There ain't nothing she won't do. They call that thing VAGINA! Get frisky with some kim chee, girls I wanna be a male ho ho ho ho! I gave caviar to my bow-wow, Give him a horn with some corn, girls Thank God for these pills of blue, All the other doggies looked agog, Some belong to virgins, Make him green with a bean, girls I feel like I'm 22. He had what those bitches needed, They're really tight and strong, Get defrocked by a stalk, father No wonder I have a happy life, Wasn't he a lucky dog? But big or small, I love 'em all, Venial sins with the California Raisins, girls Now I think I'll go cheat on my wife. And that's why I sing my song, Stiffen your root with a Kiwi fruit, boys I gave caviar to my grandpa, (chorus) 510 Grandpa's age is ninety-three, Some are kinda smelly, (Use your imagination for more of the same.) Vicar in the Dockside Church Last time that I saw grandpa, Like clams and fish and such, He's chased grandma up a tree. Some smell like a summer's eve, 509 The Vicar in the dockside church, Viagra 'Cause they've been douched too much. One Sunday morning said, My father was a lighthouse keeper, (To: Volare) (chorus) "Some dirty bastard's shat himself, He had caviar for his tea,

(chorus) I'll punch his fucking head." He had three children by a mermaid, Nothing could be finer than to be in a vagina in Sometimes, my sex life is a valley of heartaches Well up jumped Jock from the third row back, Two were kippers, one was me. the morning. and tears, And he spat a mighty go-o-ob, And in the hustle and bustle, no stiffie appears. "I'm the one who shat himself, 512 508 But you and I don't need to give up sex altogeth- You can chew my fucking kno-o-ob, Vlad Vegetables Are The Best er, You can chew my fucking knob." (To: Tie Me Kangaroo Down) There is a way our orgasms can last forever. Eat, bite, fuck, suck, gobble, nibble, chew nip-

The organist played 'Hearts of Oak', ple, bosom, hair- Chorus Viagra, oh oh! Mixed up with 'Auld Lang Syne', pie, finger fuck, screw, moose piss, cat pud, Vegetables are the best, girls, For the mack daddy who's old old old old! The preacher then got up and said, orangutan tit, sheep Vegetables are the best--eat your greens! Let's freak at 7 o'clock. 'You've had your fucking time." pussy, camel crack, pig lie in shit. Vegetables are the best, girls, But first, let me watch my Matlock. The organist waltzed down the aisle, Vegetables are the best. Then I can show you positions, With his organ on his back, I haven't tried since 1976. Then up jumped Jock and hollered out, Aw Vlad, Aw Vlad.

Do the deed with a weed, girls, Hope my back doesn't go out at the height of (And the Vicar from his pulpit cried,) Do the deed with a weed--VEGETABLES! our passionate bliss, "You can waltz that bastard ba-a-ack, Well, I went to a party, and what did they do? Do the deed with a weed, girls, You don't have to take off your dentures before You can waltz that bastard back." They took off their socks, and they took off Do the deed with a weed. we kiss. Sweet Jenny Lynd got up to sing, their shoes, She warbled like a thrush, They took off their shirts, an they took off their pants, (Additional lines done as above.) Viagra, oh oh! The Vicar from his pulpit said, I don't feel old old old old! "By God you're fucking lush." I had a hunch, we weren't gonna dance. Commit fellatio with a potato, girls Take a dyke on with a daikan, boys No wonder my happy heart sings, "That's right," said she, "but I'm not for free, Shave the fuzz off a peach, boys This pill beats those penis rings It's thirty bob a ti-i-ime." Everybody's ass was bare, Slip a rubba on a rutabaga, girls No broads left, just a queer over there, Be a fairy with a strawberry, boys Sometimes, my equipment doesn't seem to be The up jumped Jock and hollered out, But the whole damn thing didn't phase me a bit.I Try humpin' a pumpkin, lads functioning well, (And the Vicar from his pulpit cried) just jumped on the pile and grabbed some tit. Tickle your root with a shoot, boys I've tried everything like shots that make my "Hands off you bastards she's mi-i-ine, Tickle your clit with a pickle, girls penis swell. Hands off you bastards she's mine." My baby's not a sports fan, No need for the pill with a dill, girls But you and I don't need to give up sex altogeth- But she plays with balls whenever she can, Stick a cuke up your chute, girls er, 511 'Cause her favorite sport you see, Fill your chute with a root, girls Thanks to this $10 pill, I can get it up forever. Virgin Sturgeon Is playing tonsil hockey. Squeeze a kumquat in your twat, girls (To: Reuben, Reuben I've Been Thinking) 516 Waves and waves of pubic hair, 513 Chorus Was It You Who Did the Pushin' The cooties crawling everywhere, Walking Down Canal Street Oh, Wanky's beers, Wanky's beers, The flavored douches sprayed in there, Wanky, you're a dick. Question: It's strawberry today, Walking down Canal Street, When we drink your fucking piss, Was it you who did the pushin'? And if you get inside her pants, Knocking on every door, It makes us fucking sick. Left the stains upon the cushion? Cave paintings in the south of France, Goddamn son of a bitch, Oh, Wanky's beers, Wanky's beers, Footprints on the dashboard upside down? The only way that I could chance, Couldn't find a whore. We told you fucking twice, Was you, you sly woodpecker, Describing what I saw. When you pack those fucking beers, Who did it to my girl Rebecca? When I finally found a whore, You can't forget the ice! It was you who'd better leave this town. Orangutans hang from her clit, She was tall and thin, A serpent's head peers from the slit, Goddamn son of a bitch, I drank a Wanky brew, Answer: A dragon rampant on each tit, Couldn't get it in. A down-down I did do, Yes t'was I that did the pushin', Each face a different way, Now I've got that fucking brew Left the stains upon the cushion, To drop your head and taste the dew, When I finally got it in, Caked upon my shoe. Footprints on the dashboard upside down. Is like feeding time at London Zoo, I turned it all about, The biermobile's arrived, But ever since I had your daughter, I took some snake bite serum too, Goddamn son of a bitch, On-In time is here, I've had trouble passing water, I'm not ashamed to say. Couldn't get it out. What fun it is to chug and puke, Which makes us kind of even all around! Our Wanky's putrid beer. Now hordes and hordes of curious guys, When I finally got it out, 517 Pay for the pleasure and surprise, It was red and sore, We sing this little song, Waves and Waves Of gazing between my girlfriend's thighs, Goddamn son of a bitch, We sing it just for you, (To: Both Sides Now) It's made me rich today, You should never fuck a whore. Now we think it's only right, So pay now if you've a need, That you should drink one too. Waves and waves of golden hair, No clap, no VD, guaranteed,Maybe some ba- 514 Her lips so red, her skin so fair, bies, I'll concede, Walrus and the Carpenter Her breasts they were a perfect pair, Just form a queue--this way. They took my breath away, If all the whores with crimson drawers, I courted her from week to week, 518 Came walking down the strand, I held her hand, I kissed her cheek, We Go Hashing Do you suppose, the Walrus said, No other favors did I seek, (To: Oh, My Darlin' Clementine) That we could raise a stand? Or try to get my way. From the distant dawn of mankind, I doubt it, said the Carpenter, Chorus To the present state of bliss, But wouldn't it be grand, 'I've humped with her from both sides now, Evolution has refined us, And all the while the dirty sod, In and out, up and down, And the proof is simply this: Was cumming in his hand. In all experience I do declare, I've never seen a tattoo there. Chorus When you were only sweet sixteen, We go hashing, we go hashing, And you had a little quim, She sat herself upon my knee, We go hashing once a week, You stood before the looking-glass, And turning round she said to me, With the ______hashers, And put one finger in. "I've saved myself for you, you see, We go bonkers once a week. But now that you are old and gray, Until our wedding day, And losing all your charm, It's only twice I've been untrue, Prehistoric treetop monkeys, I can get five fingers in, Phuket Hash they did me screw, Taught us how to jump and fuck, And half my fucking arm. The Yankee navy laid me too, But they had no hashing spirit, And had their ends away." That we have is our good luck. Cro-Magnon and other cavemen, 515 I must admit I've played some tricks, Did not live for very long, Wanky's Beers What's one destroyer full of pricks? They were just as wild as we are, (To: Jingle Bells) Phuket Hashmen in their kits, But they got the hashing wrong. Would surely lose their way, Dashing down the trail, But like a cad, my chance did seize, In the early Middle Ages, With a cooler full of brew, I'd never been between her knees, Nuns and monks had little fun, This beer tastes like hell, And my pure angel just to please, They had wine and fornication, What can we hashers do? Upon her back did lay. But they lacked a decent run.

Billy Shakespeare wrote a sonnet, Side by side. 522 no she'll never return. More than twenty pages long, Wet Spot's Wail She is banned from laying trail. All about the joys of hashing, Well the shock did very near kill me, (To: Charlie on the MTA Will He Ever Return?) She may run with us tomorrow, We can do it in a song. When her glass eye did fall, but her Hare we will not follow. Then her leg and her arm, Let me tell you the story of a Hasher She is banned from laying trail. Recent surveys of the country, She placed by the chair,Side by side. named Wetspots on a tragic and fateful day. Show that only magic will, She put flour in her pocket, Then our most exalted Tyrant Save the nation from perdition, Well this left me broken hearted, kissed her best man Stinky stuck his head inside her window And we have the saving skill. For most of my wife had departed, and proceeded to lay the trail. and proceeded to grab her keys. So I slept on the chair, There she sat in all that traffic, Girls and boys and other sexes, There was more of her there, Oh, and the hounds they were a laughing, Stand up tall and sing out clear: Side by side. The, 'til her shorts came off over her knees. We shall never be athletic, Trail it was abysmal and the checks Oh will she ever return, We just do it for the beer. 521 they were pathetic no she'll never return. Wee Wee Song and the logic just didn't jibe. She is banned from laying trail. 519 She left beer in Hobo Heaven, She may run with us tomorrow, We Got Married When I was just a wee wee tot, thought it actually would stay there but her Hare we will not follow. (To: Side by Side) They put me on my wee wee pot. and continued to keep on smilin'. She is banned from laying trail. There I was to wee wee, Well the hounds said "It's outrageous," We got married on, Sunday, Wee wee quite a lot. and the co-Hare was adamant, At, The party didn't finish till, Monday, that ol' Wetspots was our blond friend. Old, And when the guests had gone home, Chorus But dear Wetspots didn't get it. Town, We were all alone, side by side. Wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee. Kept on telling us we loved it. Pizza we assembled for a session Was determined to hash without end. that resembled something of a lynch partee. Well we got ready for bed then, Each had found his own way back, So there I sat on my wee wee pot, but we were ne'er again on track And I very nearly dropped dead when, But wee wee I could not, Oh will she ever return, Her teeth and her hair, no she'll never return. for no flour did we see. So they put me in my wee wee cot, She placed on the chair, Side by side. There I wee weed quite a lot. She is banned from laying trail. She may run with us tomorrow, It was a Horrid Hash disaster, Well the shock did very near kill me, but her Hare we will not follow. that will live for ever after When a glass eye did fall, She is banned from laying trail. in the annals of infamy, Then her leg and then her arm, As the day when our dear Wetspots She placed against the chair, She decided she would greet us grabbed her final sack of flour Ba do ba, Side by side. at the tavern she would meet us. and she sealed her destiny. She was greeted with so much rage. Well this left me broken hearted, And after produce row she led us, Oh, will she ever return, For most of my wife had departed, from the city then she sped us. no she'll never return. So I slept on the chair, Now her half-mind was unengaged. She is banned from laying trail. There was more of her there, She may run with us tomorrow, Side by Side. Oh will she ever return, but her Hare we will not follow. 520 no she'll never return. She is banned from laying trail. Wedding Song She is banned from laying trail. (To: Side by Side) She may run with us tomorrow, but her Hare we will not follow. We got married on Sunday, She is banned from laying trail. The party didn't finish till Monday, And when the guests had gone home, After Hal's the Hounds took action, We were alone, twas a desperate reaction, Side by side. and they followed the Hares outside. In four blocks they saw the reason, Well we got ready for bed then, why the trail it wasn't pleasin' And I very nearly dropped dead when, as the Hares prepared to drive. Her teeth and her hair, She placed on the chair, Oh will she ever return, 523 The women will place it upon his brow. 526 527 When I Was a Little Girl They'll wish they're gay when Johnny comes When the End of the Month Rolls Around Whip It Out at the Ball Game (To: Happy Wanderer) marching home. (To: Caissons Go Rolling Along) (To: Take Me Out to the Ball Game) 525 When I was a little girl, When Lady Jane Became a Tart You can tell by the stain that she's in a lot of Whip it out at the ball game, I had a little thing, (To: Those in Peril on the Sea) pain, Wave it round at the crowd. And if I tried, I could get, When the end of the month rolls around. Dip it jello and crackerjack, My little finger in. It fairly broke the family's heart, You can tell by her stance she's got cotton in her I don't care if you give it a whack, Finger in, finger in, finger in, When Lady Jane became a tart, pants, Because it's, Finger iiin, finger in, finger in, But blood is blood and race is race, When the end of the month rolls around. Beat your meat at the ball game, My little finger in! And so to save the family face, If you don't come it's a shame. (Continued...) They bought her an expensive flat, Chorus It's one, two, I've grown into a woman now, With "Welcome" written on the mat. For it's hi, hi, hee, in the Kotex industry, And you're covered in goo, My thing has lost its charm, Shout out your sizes loud and strong: At the old ball game. And I can get five fingers in, It was not long ere Lady Jane, Junior, Regular, Super-Duper, Bale of Hay! And half my fucking arm. Brought her patrician charms to fame, For where e're we go you will always know, 528 Fucking arm, fucking arm, fucking arm, A clientele of sahibs pukka, When the end of the month rolls around. White House HHH Anthem Fucking aaarm, fucking arm, fucking arm, Who regularly came to fuck 'er, And half my fucking arm! And it was whispered without malice, You can tell by her walk that you'll sit around We're the White House Hashers, She had a client from the palace. and talk, Scum of the earth, Now my age is ninety-two, When the end of the month rolls around. Scourge of crea-a-tion, And I'm half fucking dead, No one could nestle in her charms, You can tell by the blotch that she's got a leaky God-forsaken-fornicating-son-of-a-bitches, Now I get both arms in, Unless he wore ancestral arms, crotch, And half my fucking head. No one to her could gain an entry, When the end of the month rolls around. Found in every whore house, Fucking head, fucking head, fucking head, Unless he were of the landed gentry, Drink, suck, and scre-e-ew, Fucking 'eeead, fucking head, fucking head, And so before her sun had set, You can tell by her eyes there is blood between We're the White House Hash, And half my fucking head! She'd worked her way through Debrett. her thighs, and we say, fuck, YOU! When the end of the month rolls around. 524 When Lady Anne became a whore, You can tell by her pout that her eggs are falling 529 When Johnny Comes Marching Home It grieved the family even more, out, White House Nights (To: When Johnny Comes Marching Home) But they felt they couldn't do the same, When the end of the month rolls around. (To: Summer Nights (Grease)) As they had done for Lady Jane, When Johnny comes marching home again, Bill: "Summer intern, had me a blast" So they bought her an exclusive beat, You can tell by her stance that she's bleeding in with drip-ping dick, Monica: "White house intern, happened so fast" On the shady side of Jermyn Street. her pants, When Johnny comes marching home again, Bill: "Met a girl, crazy for me" When the end of the month rolls around. with drip-ping dick. Monica: "Met the prez, down on my knees" When Lord St. Clancy became a Nancy, You can tell that it itches by the way she always The men will cheer, the boys will shout, Bill: "Summer days, sucking away, oh, I, but It did not please the family fancy, bitches, The ladies will shun him and kick him out. those summer nights" And so in order to protect him, When the end of the month rolls around. They'll wish they're gay when Johnny comes Grand Jury: "Well, ah.. well, ah....well, ah. uh. They did inscribe upon his rectum, marching home. Tell us more, tell us "All commoners must now drive steerage, You can bet it ain't sweat when her underwear is more" This fucking hole is reserved for peerage." wet, When Johnny comes marching home again, Linda Tripp: "Try to remember your best" When the end of the month rolls around. with syph-illus, Grand Jury: "Tell us more, tell us more" You can tell by the stink that she isn't in the When Johnny comes marching home again, Kenneth Starr: "Did he cum on your dress?" pink, with syph-illus. Grand Jury: Uh-huh....Uh-huh...Uh-huh.... When the end of the month rolls around. The wives will sorrow and lassies will cry, Grand Jury: Uh-huh....Uh-huh....Uh-huh.... They'll miss the pleasures that made them sigh. (Continued...) They'll wish they're gay when Johnny comes Bill: "Wanted to screw her but she had a cramp" marching home. Monica: "The prez is sexy - he makes my pant- ies damp" When Johnny comes marching home again, Bill: "She gave me head, right in the White with aids, with aids, House" When Johnny comes marching home again, Monica: "I said OK, just don't come in my with aids, with aids. mouth" The funeral wreath is ready now, Bill: "Summer days, gobbling away, oh, I, but those summer nights" It's no fun, jungles of North Borneo and it has balls that are Grand Jury:"Well, ah.. well, ah....well, ah. uh. Chorus It's no fun, made of brass, so that when it goes swinging Tell us more, tell us Oh the birds of the air said, He grunts and he gasps like he's on a long run, from tree to tree, it's balls go u-tang, u-tang, u- more" "Damn it! Stuff it! Fuck it!" He's in for a minute then he squirts on your tang, u-tang. Linda Tripp: "He sounds like a swell guy" When they heard Cock Robin had, bum, Grand Jury:"Tell us more, tell us more" "Kicked the fucking bucket!" Then he falls asleep as soon as he's done, Chorus Kenneth Starr:"Did he tell you to lie?" When they heard Cock Robin had, So who needs sex? Ohhhh, we're off to see the Wild West Show-o- (Slower now) "Kicked the fucking bucket!" Who needs sex? oo, Bill: "Press found out, it turned into a mess" The elephants and kang-a-roo-ooos, Monica: "He gave me fifty bucks to buy a new Who saw him die? Never mind the weather, dress" "I," said the fly, 533 As long as we're together, Bill: "She promised to lie, she made a vow" "With my little eye, The Wild Hasher We're off to see the Wild West Show-o-oo! Monica: "Wonder who is servicing him now" I saw him die." (To: The Wild Rover) Bill & Monica: "Sex filled dreams, ripped at the The next hasher becomes the announcer as seam Who'll did the grave? I've been a wild Hasher for many a year, above substituting the name of the next attrac- But...... oh Those White House Nights" "I," said the owl, And spent some time chasing the women and tion in place of the U-rang-u-tang. "With my little trowel, beer. 530 I'll dig the grave." But now I'm returning with an itch and a sore, 2 The Wild Man of Borneo lives in the moun- Who Is in the Kitchen with Ah Hin? I swear I will never be wanking no more. tains and once a year he comes down to eat. (To: Who is in the Kitchen With Dinah?) Chorus Who'll read the prayer? Once every two years he comes down to shit And it's no nay never (pause, then with hands, "I," said the rook, and once every three years he comes down for clap, clap, clap) Who is in the kitchen with Ah Hin? "From my little book, sex. No never no more, Who is in the kitchen with Ah-Ah Hin? I'll read the prayer." Will I plaaay the wild Hasher, Who is in the kitchen with Ah Hin? Member of Pack: No wonder they call him the Playing with his tiny thing? No neveeer no more. Who'll ring the bell? fucking wild man

"I," said the bull, of Borneo! I went to a whorehouse where I'd often been, Ah Hin, tiny thing, Ah Hin, tiny thing. "With my might tool, And told to the madame what plight I was in. Ah Hin, tiny thing, playing with his tiny thing. I'll ring the bell." 3 The Ooaah bird is a bird that lives in the rocky She said she was sorry, but what could she say, desert of North Africa. It has balls this long and In that state of health, I could get me no lay. Who is in the toilet with Ah Sai? 532 legs this short so that each time it comes in for a

Who is in the toilet with Ah-Ah Sai? Who Needs Sex? landing it goes, "Oo-aah, Oo-aah, Oo-aah!" Who is in the toilet with Ah Sai? (To: Three Blind Mice) I took out my pecker, such source of delight, For many a girl during many a night. Playing with her twa-cheebye? Who needs sex? 4 The Asstrich lives in the deserts of Africa and But the landlady said, "You've just run out of Who needs sex? whenever it sees its enemies, it buries its head in luck, Ah Sai, twa-cheebye, Ah Sai, twa-cheeby. It's no fun, the sand and offers its ass. I won't let you have any girl for a fuck. Ah Sai, twa-cheebye, playing with her twa- It's no fun, cheebye. You chase after women and what do you get? 5 The Porcupine is the only animal in the world I'll return to my parents, confess what I've done, You grumble and fumble and break out in that has a thousand and one pricks. And ask them to pardon their lost Hashing son. Who is in the bedroom with Ah Leng? sweat, You wake up at daylight just deeper in debt, And if they forgive me, as oft times before, Who is in the bedroom with Ah-Ah Leng? 6 The Elephant has a ginormous appetite. In one So who needs sex? I swear I will never be wanking no more. Who is in the bedroom with Ah Leng? day it easts two tons of sugar cane, one dozen Who needs sex? Playing with her twa-liap leng? bundles of bananas and twenty buckets or rice. Who needs sex? 534 Wild West Show Miss, don't stand too near the elephant's back- Ah Leng, twa-liap leng, Ah Leng, twa-liap leng. Who needs sex? This is best done by forming a circle and having side. Miss! Miss! Too late! Harry, dig her out. Ah Leng, twa-liap leng, playing with her twa- It's no fun, hashers taking turns being the Announcer. liap leng. It's no fun, You meet a new women and go on a date, 7 The Winky Wanky bird, by some strange fate 531 of nature, has the nervous system of its sexual Who Killed Cock Robin? You hug and you kiss and you think that it's Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen! great, Pack: Yes? organs connected to that of its eyelids, so every- (To: Who Killed Cock Robin?) time it wanks it winks. Hey lady! Stop throwing She gives you blue balls and you masturbate, Announcer: In this cage we have the U-rang-u- So, who needs sex? tang. sand into that bird's eyes. Who killed Cock Robin? Pack: The U-rang-u-tang. Fantastic! Incredible! "I," said the sparrow, Who needs sex? Shut (the fuck) up and tell us about it! 8 The Fuckawee tribe is found in the grasslands "With my bow and arrow. of Africa. They are this short and the grass is I killed Cock Robin." Who needs sex? Who needs sex? The U-rang-u-tang is an animal that lives in the this tall, so that everytime they get lost, they will shout, "Where the fuck-ah-wee, where the 21 The Little White Rabbit keeps jumping from 25 (The Fight between the Snake and the fuck-ah-wee?" hole to hole to hole. Asstrich - long announcement to entertain or (Continue the round, embellishing as needed) bore the pack. The following is just an example 9 The Gee-raffe is the only animal in the world 22 The Hare follows the little white rabbit and which may be expanded or diminished to im- Commentator 1- Well, there's goes the bell end- that can walk into a bar and say, "The high-balls plugs his hole. press or relieve the pack.) ing round one. The fighters are going to their are on me!" Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, in this cor- corners and... What the hell? I mean, (com 2 23 The Hash Hound follows the hare and the ner we have the World Champion - Snake. name), what are they doing in the Asstrich's 10 The Le-o-pard is the only animal in the little white rabbit and and tags them both. Dressed in the black trunks this messenger of corner? world that has one spot for each day of the year. Satan hailing from the Pits of Hell is eight feet 24 The Go-rilla a big monkey who can fuck long, weighs in at twenty-two pounds and is Commentator 2- It looks like... yeah... they're Member of Pack: What about leapyear? anything it wants. hissin' ready to go this giving him an enema. My guess is that the Announcer: Stupid, you just lift up its tail. evening. He's had thirty-five bouts - thirty-three Snake's manuever has taken quite a toll on the knockouts and two wins by demonic interven- Member of Pack: Hey, mister, I thought Go- fighting bird. tion. 11 The Rhinosauras is reputed to be the richest rillas were apes?Announcer: Step inside here, animal in the world. It's name is derived from Sonny, and see if he can make a monkey out of (Again, embellish with further rounds going to the Latin- rhino, meaning money; and sore-ass, you. In the other corner, we have the Ass-trich. the snake, until the pack becomes bored, then in meaning piles... hence piles of money. Dressed in the white trunks this flightless bird the final round...) hails from plains of Africa, reaches eight feet tall and weighs in at one hundred and twenty- 12 The Baiyee is like a long playing record. four pounds. He's had twenty-six bouts, all wins Commentator 1- Look the snake is going in First you play it on this side (points to crotch of by knockout. again, but... Wait!... The Asstrich is reaching opposite member of sex), then you flip it over back between his legs and is saying something (turns demonstrator around) and play the other to his asshole. Did we catch that on the side (points to the demonstrator's ass). Commentator 1: (Name of Commentator 2), as telemike... Uh-Huh, he said - Can we say that? - you know, the Snake killed the Mongoose in his he said, "Now loop-de loop last fight, gaining the WBC title- Wild Beast 13 The Brr-Brr bird is a distant relative of the you bastard!" The referee is coming closer... Championship. he's counting... That's it folks, it's all over now Oohaah bird and lives in the Antartic. When it lands, it drags its balls and says, "Brr, brr!" for the Snake, who's digested for the count! 14 The Sabertooth Tiger is a thousand pound Commentator 2- But you know, (name of Com- pussy that can eat you! mentator 1), the Asstrich has vowed to take him 535 down to revenge the death of his friend and this Will You Marry Me? is going to be a grudge match to the finish. 15 The Khetat-Khetat bird is also a distant rela- tive of the Oohaah bird. It has one ball made of Harriers: brass and the other made of lead, so that when it Commentator 1- Well, it won't be long now, If I give you half a crown, lands, its balls make the sound, "Khe-tat, Khe- they're joining the referee in the center of the Can I take your knickers down, tat, Khe-tat, Khe-tat!" ring - Look Out! The Snake's already trying to Will you marry, marry, marry, marry, marry, get in the first bite. OK, the ref has them apart Will you marry me? and they're heading back to their corners now. 16 The Tattooed Lady has "FIRE" tattooed on Harriettes: one thigh and "BRIMSTONE" on the other and Commentator 2- This promises to be an exciting every once in a while she makes some poor soul If you give me half a crown, evening if it keeps up. You can't take my knickers down, go down to hell. You can't marry, marry, marry, marry, marry, Commentator 1- And there's the bell for the first 17 The Gazelle farts as it leaps from place to You can't marry me. round and the snake's losing no time. He's strik- place and scientists are still trying to discover ing at the head of the Asstrich- Ach-Oohhh, the whether it farts because it leaps or leaps because Harriers: Asstrich has grabbed the snake with his beak If I give you two-and-six, it farts. and is slinging him about, but- What's this? The Will you let me squeeze your tits, Snake is Will you marry, marry, marry, marry, marry, 18 (In this tank...) The Oct-i-pussy can suck you crawling right into the Asstriches mouth, Ladies all over. Will you marry me? and Gentlemen.

Harriettes: 19 The Homosexual Sparrow will fly backwards Commentator 2- You know, (name of com 1), for a lark. If you give me two-and-six, the Snake did this same manuever two years ago I won't let you squeeze my tits, against the Lion... Watch... There he goes, right 20 The Tom Cat is the only pussy with a dick. You can't marry, marry, marry, marry, marry, out of the Asstrich's asshole. You can't marry me.

Lager from Ale? And the woodpecker said, "God bless my soul, 539 Harriers: Cheap rice from grain? Speed it up, speed it up, speed it down. Working Men If I give you my big chest, Can you tell a Guinness AC-CELERATE IT." And all the money I possess, From a cold Black-N-Tan? Oh husband, dear husband, I tremble with fear, Will you marry, marry, marry, marry, marry, A scoth from a wheat? I accelerated my finger in a woodpecker's hole, You've been on overtime for almost a year. Will you marry me? Do you think you can tell? And the woodpecker said, "God bless my And since you are gone till way late at night, soul,Slow it down, slow it down, slow it down, A good piece of ass seems way out of sight. Harriettes: And did they get you to trade RE-TARD IT." If you give me your big chest, Your Coors for Harps? Oh husband, dear husband, please don't be a And all the money you possess, Of course there's still farts. I retarded my finger in a woodpecker's hole, fool, I will marry, marry, marry, marry, marry, Hot gas for a cool quaffs? And the woodpecker said, "God bless my soul, Working this overtime is wasting your tool. I will marry you. Cold comfort for beer? Once again, once again, once again, For better it is to be poor all your life, And did you exchange, RE-PEAT IT." Than to bring a soft peter home to your wife. Harriers: A walk on part in the Run, Get out of the door, you lousy whore, For a lead role in a Hash? I repeated my finger in a woodpecker's hole, I used to be happy as your little queen, My money was all you were looking for, How I wish, how I wish you were beer. And the woodpecker said, "God bless my soul, But now every night you're nowhere to be seen. And I'll not marry, marry, marry, marry, marry, We're just two lost souses, Leave it in, leave it in, leave it in, You come home from work just able to creep, I'll not marry you. Drinking from a fish bowl, RE-LAX IT," I feel like screwing, you just want to sleep. Beer after beer, 536 Hashin' over the same old ground. I released my finger in a woodpecker's hole, a Each evening dear husband, you crawl into bed, Will You Miss Me Tonight? What have we found? And the woodpecker said, "God bless my soul, Your intententions are good, but your peter is (To: Will You Kiss Me Tonight) The same old beers, Pull it out, pull it out, pull it out, dead. Wish you were beer! RE-TRACT IT." I play with your pecker all wrinkled and dry, Chorus (Continuously Through Song): I get so damn mad I could lay there and cry. Boom, oooh, yakatata... 538 I retracted my finger from a woodpecker's hole, I have pleaded with you dear with tears in my Woodpecker's Song And the woodpecker said, "God bless my soul, eyes, (To: Dixie) Will you miss me tonight when I'm gone? Take a whiff, take a whiff, take a whiff, I've played with your balls, but your pecker

Will you go to bed with your see- through RE-VOLTING." won't rise. nighty on? I put my finger in a woodpecker's hole, So I'll find me a man that works 8 hour days, And the woodpecker said, "God bless my soul, Will you reach out for your little plastic friend, And while your on O. T. we'll procede to make Put some baby oil around it's throbbing end? Take it out. take it out, take it out, hay. RE-MOVE IT." Will you spare a thought for me while I'm gone? For in this whole world there is only one sin, Will you laugh with your friend over which is I removed my finger from a woodpecker's hole, For which there's no pardon and never has been. long? And the woodpecker said, "God bless my soul, And this is a man who's so foolish and mean, Will you slide it up your thighs and up to your Put it back. put it back. put it back, To give up his fucking to run a machine. crack, RE-PLACE IT." Smile to yourself, "Thank God he's not back"? 540 Will you miss me tonight when I'm gone? I replaced my finger in a woodpecker's hole, Would You Like to Sit on My Face? 'Cause the batteries in your friend have almost And the woodpecker said, "God bless my soul, (To: Swinging on a Star) gone, Turn it around, turn it around, turn it around, And you never could make that charger thing RE-VOLVE IT." Would you like to sit on my face? come on? It's a very comfort'ble place. So now you'll miss me tonight 'cause I'm gone, I revolved my finger in a woodpecker's hole, Slide your hole up over my nose, Try a banana, And the woodpecker said, "God bless my soul, Or would you rather suck my hose? 'Cause you'll miss me tonight 'cause I'm gone, Turn it back, turn it back, turn it back. Ya bitch. RE-VERSE IT." My hose is an animal that lives in my pants, It'll cum out if you give it a chance. 537 I reversed my finger in a woodpecker's hole, It's long and brawny and its head is red, Wish You Were Beer And the woodpecker said, "God bless my soul, It'll get very hard if you rub its head. (By Monsignor Moon, To: Wish You Were Here In and out, in and out, in and out, And by the way, if you go without your clothes, (Pink Floyd)) RE-CIPROCATE IT." You may grow up and suck my hose.

So, so you think you can tell I reciprocated my finger in a woodpecker's hole, Or would you rather fuck in my car? Carry sperm juice home in a jar, As we live a life of sleaze, Oh, I went hashing yesterday. 544 Take a my dick way up in your moon, Every one of us has all we need, Yogi Bear And eat my sperm juice with a spoon. Plenty of beer and lots of fucks, Muscles ache, (To: Camptown Races) In our yellow Ryder truck. They'd be better if I'd stayed in bed, My sperm are little animals that swim in my Now it feels as if they're made of lead, In the forest lives a bear, Yogi, Yogi, cum, Wish I'd stayed at home instead. In the forest lives a bear, Yogi, Yogi Bear. They die very quickly and they're dumb. Yogi, Yogi Bear, Yogi, Yogi Bear. They swim and they wiggle like a little worm, Why I ran that hash, In the forest lives a bear, Yogi, Yogi Bear. And jump from my hose when it's very firm. 542 Was so rash, You may grow up to eat my sperm. Yellow is the Color But what the heck, Yogi has a little friend, Boo Boo, Boo Boo, Now its clear, Yogi has a little friend, Boo Boo, Boo Boo Or would you rather come to my house? Yellow is the color of my true love's hair, I'm a mere, Bear. And pretend that you are my spouse, When I'm hashin', aa-hum, when I'm hashin' aa- Physical wreck. Boo Boo, Boo Boo Bear, Boo Boo, Boo Boo Or fuck my brains out on the golf course, hum, Bear. And it's the color of the boils on my bum. Or would you rather mount my horse. Bloodshot eyes, Yogi has a little friend, Boo Boo, Boo Boo

And my tongue is twice its normal size, Bear. My horse is an animal who lives on a farm, Red is the color of the settin' skies, when I'm Its at times like this I realize, His two foot dick can do real harm. hashin', aa-hum, Hashing isn't all that wise. Yogi likes candy, Gummy Bears, Gummy Its size is more than you can bare, When I'm hashin', the settin' skies, Bears, And it's the color of my foreskin caught in my You should work up to it or you're cunt will Why I drank that beer, Yogi likes candy, Gummy, Gummy Bears. flies. tear.With just a little bit of force, Isn't clear, Gummy, Gummy Bears, Gummy, Gummy Yellow is the color that brings me cheer, when You may grow up to mount my horse. It's just a blur, Bears. I'm hashin', aa-hum, I don't feel so young, Yogi likes candy, Gummy, Gummy Bears. When I'm hashin', that brings me cheer, And all the virgins aren't in the school, And my tongue, And it's the color of my piss and my beer! Many women lust for my tool. As lined with fur. Yogi has a girl friend, Susie, Susie

So you see it's all up to you, Yogi has a girl friend, Susie, Susie Bear...etc. Green is the color of all that grows, when I'm You can be better than you are. Yesterday, hashin' aa-hum, You can fuck me in my car. Running seemed a healthy game to play, Susie likes it on the fridge, Polar, Polar, When I'm hashin', of all that grows, Now my body is in disarray, Susie likes it on the fridge, Polar, Polar And it's the color of the boogers up my nose. 541 Oh, I went hashing yesterday, Bear...etc.

Yellow Ryder Truck (mmm-mm-mmm). (To: Yellow Submarine) Brown is the color that makes me stop, when Susie likes it up the arse, Dirty, Dirty, In the town where I was born, I'm hashin' aa-hum, Susie likes it up the arse, Dirty, Dirty Bear...etc. Lived a man who Hashed the land, When I'm hashin, that makes me dance! And it's the color, it's the color of my under- And he told us of his life, Yogi's into whips and chains, Kinky, Kinky, In the back of Ryder trucks. pants. Yogi's into whips and chains, Kinky, Kinky So we ran up to the sun, Bear...etc. Till we found the land of trucks, Blue is the color that makes me stop, when I'm And we lived a life of sleaze, hashin' aa-hum, In our yellow Ryder truck. When I'm hashin', that makes me stop, Susie has a shaven snatch, Grizzly, Grizzly, And it's the color of the vein in my pork chop. Susie has a shaven snatch, Grizzly, Grizzly Bear...etc. Chorus We all live in a yellow, White is the color of the winter snows, when I'm Ryder truck, hashin' aa-hum, Yogi has a cheesy dick, Camenbeart, Camen- Yellow Ryder truck, When I'm hashin', the winter snows, beart, Yellow Ryder truck, And it's the color of the cheese between my Yogi has a cheesy dick, Camen, Camen- We all live in a yellow Ryder truck, toes. beart..etc. Yellow Ryder truck, Yellow Ryder truck. 543 Yogi uses condoms Clever, Clever, Yesterday Yogi uses condoms Clever, Clever Bear...etc. Most of our friends are all aboard, (To: Yesterday) Susie had a little cub, Bastard, Bastard, Many more of them party next door, Susie had a little cub, Bastard, Bastard And the Hashers begin to chant. Yesterday, Bear...etc. All my muscles seemed to feel OK, Now my body doesn't work today, Susie asks for money, Hooker, Hooker, Susie asks for money, Hooker, Hooker (To: Hound Dog) Bear...etc. It's not too drunk, and it's not too tired To tap a Yank for a good screw, in my belief, You ain't nothin' but a Hasher, It's not too quick, and it feels no pain Is like asking Mrs Custer to give to Indian re- Yogi likes to role his on, Smokey, Smokey, A-humpin' all the time, And if your toilet, should overflow girls lief, Yogi likes to role his on, Smokey, Smokey You ain't nothin' but a Hasher, What good's a dick to unclog a drain! In the last year or two they've not used their Bear...etc. A-humpin' all the time. tush, You ain't never caught a hare, 547 'Cause they're shagged up the arse by a cowboy Boo Boo likes it upside down, Koala, Koala, And you ain't no friend of mine. You Are Sixteen Going on Seventeen called Bush. Boo Boo likes it upside down, Koala, Koala (To: You Are Sixteen Going On Seventeen) Bear...etc. When I said you was high class, The Dutch they just sit there, arsehole on bike, Well, that was just a lie, You are sixteen going on seventeen, One finger up nostril and one in a dyke, Yogi's got a case of crabs, Itchy, Itchy, When I said you was high class, Baby, it's time for sex! And if they feel chilly when these things they Yogi's got a case of crabs, Itchy, Itchy Well, that was just a lie. Better prepare with your birth control, perform, Bear...etc. You ain't never caught a hare, Baby, because you're next! They put their caps up girls' pussies to keep And you ain't no friend of mine. their heads warm. Yogi's got a twelve inch cock, Lucky, Lucky, You are sixteen going on seventeen, Yogi's got a twelve inch cock, Lucky, Lucky You ain't nothin' but a Hasher, Fellows will fall in line. Now haircuts for Germans are four times the Bear...etc. A-humpin' all the time, Eager young lads with cocks in hand, price, You ain't nothin' but a Hasher, Will soften you up with wine. They charge for each corner and go over it Boo Boo says he's got one too, Liar, Liar, A-humpin' all the time. twice, Boo Boo says he's got one too, Liar, Liar You ain't never caught a hare, Totally unprepared are you, And if you pick up a harlot now don't throw her Bear...etc. And you ain't no friend of mine. To face a world of men. out, Timid and shy and scared are you of, Though her snatch it smells strongly, they just Susie likes it twice a day, Horny, Horny, To enter the world of sin. love sauerkraut. Susie likes it twice a day, Horny, Horny The Swiss nation at loving are antiseptic, Bear...etc. 546 You need someone older and wiser, They put germolene, not Vaseline, on their You Are My Hashit Telling you what to do. prick, the Swiss yodel is to cover their sheeps' (To: You Are My Sunshine) anguished calls, Susie sleeps in any bed, Teddy, Teddy, I can teach you sex and cunnilingus, For their Toblerone pricks make triangular Susie sleeps in any bed, Teddy, Teddy I-I'll take car-are of you. Chorus holes. Bear...etc. The Aussies are known for their intake of beer, You are my hashit, my loving hashit. 548 You make me happy when skies are gray. And they've all been in Sidney, now isn't that Yogi doesn't wipe his butt, Brown, Brown, You Take the Legs Off Betty Grable You'll never know boys how much we love queer, Yogi doesn't wipe his butt, Brown, Brown them. To keep flies off from their hat corks are hung, Bear...etc. You take the legs off Betty Grable, Please don't take my hashit away. 'Cause a zipper can be painful if caught on the You take the hair from Myrna Loy, You take the tits off old Jane Russell, tongue. Boo-Boo likes to stroke his tool, Wanker, The other day boys, while we were hashing. And the ass of a baby boy, Wanker, We saw our GM masturbate. You take the hands and face off some old clock, 550 Boo-Boo likes to stroke his tool, Wanker, We saw two others auto hashing. And, brother, when you're through, Your Hand Was Made To Stroke My Gland Wanker Bear...etc. And then the beer truck was late. The only thing that's missing is the C-U-N-T, (To: This Land is Your Land)

No need to hurry, no need to worry. And that, is, you! Yogi's got an enemy, Ranger, Ranger They can do hash crimes every day. Chorus Yogi's got an enemy, Ranger, Ranger But we'll never tell on, these other hashers. 549 This hand is your hand, this gland is my gland, Smith...etc. They might take our hashit away. You Won't Find Any Country So rub it slowly, to make my thing stand. (To: The Wild Rover) Let's play forever, we'll cum together, Ranger puts a hole in it, Naughty, Naughty, I've searched the world over, excitement I've Your hand was made to stroke my gland. It's always hard, and it's always ready Ranger puts a hole in it, Naughty, Naughty And if you bite it, it won't scream sought, Boy...etc. It will be there in the morning But all my experience was dearly bought. As we were driving, on separate highways, And if pressed it will wait while I preen. We heard the faint cries of "On On my way." Ranger likes the animals, Beastial, Beastial, Chorus With whistles blowing, the beer was flowing, Ranger likes the animals, Beast-i-al-i-ty...etc. So it's no, nay, never, Your hand was made to stroke my gland. You don't have to lubricate it (This can be a natural lead-in to Beastiality.) Buy it presents, or even give it any head No nay never no more, You can tell it all your secrets You won't find any country, We showed up Friday and partied hardy, 545 And no one will hear a word that you said. Where it pays you to score. We fucked till morning, and then we partied. You Ain't Nothin' But a Hasher Played with eachother, and soon discovered, Your hand was made to stroke my gland. A-Zup-pa-ta, A-Zup-pa-ta, Aa-Zuup-paa-taaa, A young married couple from Aberysthwyth, Thunderin' Jasus it's a lark, (All sing chorus...) Knew another you couple they played whist As we got closer, there was an odor, In Dublin City after dark, Third Hasher interrupts: "Wait a minute, wait a with, They all managed when able,To reach It was your pussy, upon my boner. When you're up on a bird in Phoenix Park, minute, arms out", under the table, Your tits were shaking, my balls were breaking, Down by the Zoological Gardens. (everyone puts arms out), "Thumbs up", And play with what the other ones pissed with. Your hand was made to stroke my gland. (everyone puts thumbs up), then everyone sways Last Sunday night we had no dough, back and forth with the beat, chanting:) There was a young man from Aberysthwyth, In Jacksonville we all came together, So I took the mot* up to see the Zoo. A-Zup-pa-ta, A-Zup-pa-ta, Aa-Zuup-paa-taaa, Who said the girl he just kissed with Showed tits and asses, despite the weather. We saw the lions and the kangaroos, (All sing chorus...) "That hole in your crotch, From the Emerald Coasters, to those with odors, Inside the the Zoological Gardens. Is for fucking and such, Your hand was made to stroke my gland. (Continued...) (Going around the circle, the interruptions con- And not just a gadget to piss with." Well we went out there by Castleknock, tinue, with each hasher getting a turn, with 551 Said the mot to me, "Sure we'll court by the alternate finishes depending on the pack. Down There once was a woman from Abude, Zip Me Up After You Blow Blow Lough." Downs are usually awarded after the song to Who went to the movies in the nude. (By Great Salt Lick & Hi Speed. To: Wake Me Then I knew she was one of the rare old stock, those who forget the sequence or screw it up or A man way up front, Up Before You Go Go) Inside the the Zoological Gardens. fail to participate and pass it to the next per- Said, "I can smell cunt!" son...) Just like that, right out loud, Bloody Rude! The following song was written and performed Said the mot to me, "My dear friend Jack, Hands together. by lyricists and assisted in their performance by Sure, I'd like a ride on the elephant's back." Elbows back. There once was a couple from Adair, Pee Wee Sperman (as George Michael) and "If you don't get out of that I'll give you such a Chest out. That made love at the top of the stair. GSL's "little brother" (no Hash name, but his crack" Stomach in. On the sixty-eighth stroke, uncle is Merlin Olsen {former L.A. Ram US Inside the Zoological Gardens. Arse out. The banister broke, Football defensive lineman} and We went out there on our honeymoon, Knees together. And they did 69 in the air. this guy is big as a house). All of Long Beach Said the mot to me, "If you don't come soon, Feet together. HHH. I'll have to sleep with the hairy baboon" Chin up. In the Garden of Eden sat Adam, Inside the Zoological Gardens. Just stroking the butt of his madam, (* bird, broad, bimbo, bitch, cunt, etc.) Traditional finish He was quaking with mirth, (intro) Tongue out. (Singing chorus with tongue out is For in all of the earth, Jerk me off... Jerk me off... 553 halarious.) There were only two balls, and he had 'em. Jerk me off... Jerk me off... Zupata Brrrrrup! (Pack makes farting noise, sometimes (To: Singing in the Rain) mooning with it.) There was a young lady named Alice,

You put the boom boom into my balls, Who used dynamite for a phallus, You send my dick sky high, Songmaster sings chorus solo: Alternate finish for adult packs and becoming They found her vagina, When your lovin' calls. Chorus popular at European interhashes. Hashers who In North Carolina, Jerkin' off into the drain, I'm singin' in the rain, fail to follow instructions are asked to leave Her arsehole in Buckingham Palace. Goin' bang, bang, bang 'til my feet do the same. Just singin' in the rain. circle and given down downs later. The Bishop of Alexandretta But somethin's buggin' me, What a glorious feeling, Loved a girl and he couldn't forget her, Somethin' ain't right,My best friend left me I'm hap-hap-happy again... Hats off. (if any have them) So he thought he'd enshrine her, alone last night. Shirts off. As the Holy Vagina Left me sleepin' in my bed, First Hasher interrupts: "Wait a minute, wait a Bras off. (if females have them) In the Church of the Sacred French Letter. I was wankin' but I shoulda been gettin' head. minute, you need a little rythmn here... Here Shorts (pants) down. everybody join in..." (On example of First Underware (shorts) down. There was a young lady called Alice, (chorus) Hasher, pack swings back and forth with the Brrrrrup! (Those left in the circle make farting Who pissed in the Archbishop's chalice, Zip me down before you blow blow, beat chanting:) noise and moon the rest.) It was not for the need, Bounce your head just like a yo-yo. A-Zup-pa-ta, A-Zup-pa-ta, Aa-Zuup-paa-taaa, She committed the deed, Suck me off before you go-go, (All sing) Out of simple sectarian malice. Don't want to miss it when you suck it dry. I'm singin' in the rain, Just singin' in the rain. Jack my cock while you blow blow, Limericks There was a young lady named Alice, I'm not planning on cumming solo. What a glorious feeling, 554 Who thought of her cunt as a chalice, Zip me up after you blow blow, I'm hap-hap-happy again... Limericks One night sleeping nude, Make it happen tonight, She awoke, feeling lewd, I want your head in my thighs. Second Hasher interrupts: "Wait a minute, wait And found in her chalice a phallus. See Limerick Songs section for songs to go with a minute, arms out" these limericks 552 (Everyone puts arms out, then sways back and There once was a girl named Ann Heiser, Zoological Gardens forth with the beat, chanting:) Who claimed no man could surprise her, Whose cunt was all covered in sores, But hell in the feeding, Since tea he's fucked me and your sister." But Pabst took a chance, Even dogs in the street, When she found she had no tit for Tat. Found Schlitz in her pants, Wouldn't touch the green meat, The jolly old Bishop of Birmingham, And now she is sadder Budweiser. That hung in festoons from her drawers. There was a young man of Belgravia, He buggered three maids while confirming 'em, There was a young fellow named Babitt, Who cared neither for God nor his Saviour. As they knelt seeking God, There was a young lady named Anna, Who could screw nine times like a rabbit, He walked down the Strand, He excited his rod, Who stuffed her friend's cunt with a banana, But a girl from Lahore, With his cock in his hand, And pumped his Episcopal Sperm in 'em. Which she sucked bit by bit, Could do it twice more, And was had up for indecent behaviour. There were two young ladies of Birmingham, From her partner's warm slit, Which was just enough extra to crab it. And this is the story concerning 'em, In the most approved lesbian manner. There once was a young girl from Belize, They lifted the frock, There once was a learned baboon Who said to her lover, "Oh please, And diddled the cock, There was a young lady called Annie, Who always played on the bassoon. You would heighten my bliss, Of the Bishop as he was confirming 'em. Who had fleas, lice and crabs up her fanny, For he said, "it appears If you played more with this, To get up her flue, That in billions of years, And paid less attention to these. But the Bishop was nobody's fool, Was like touring the zoo, I shall finally hit on a tune." There was a young man of Bengal, He'd been to a large public school, There were wild beasts in each nook and cran- Who went to a fancy dress ball, He pulled down their britches, ny. A certain your maiden from Babylon, Just for a stunt, And diddled those bitches, Decided to lure all the rabble-on, He dressed up as a cunt, With his ten-inch Episcopal tool. The aged Archbishop of Joppa, By dropping her shirt, And was fucked by a dog in the hall. Said, "I think circumcision improper, And raising her skirt, On the bridge sat the Bishop of Buckingham, If the organ is small, Exposing a market to dabble-on. There was a young man from Bengal, Thinking of twats and of sucking 'em, But I don't mind at all, There was a young damsel named Baker, Who had a rectangular ball, And watching the stunts, Of the cunts in the About cutting a slice off a whopper." Who was poked in a pew by a Quaker, The square of its weight, punts, And the tricks of the pricks that were He yelled, "My God! What, Plus his penis times eight, fucking 'em. There once was a lady from Arden, Do you call that -- a twat? Was two-fifths of five eighths of fuck all. Who sucked a man off in a garden, Why the entrance is more that an acre!" There was a young fellow named Bliss, He said, "My dear Flo, There once was a fellow from Beverly, Whose sex life was strangely amiss, Where does all that stuff go?" Sir Reginald Basington Bart, Went in for fucking quite heavily, For even with Venus, And she said, (Swallow hard) - I beg pardon?" Went to a masked ball as a fart, He fucked night and day, His recalcitrant penis, There once was a girl in the Army, He had painted his face, Till his ballocks gave way, Would never do better than this. Full of stale beer and the Blarney, Like a more private place, But the doctors replaced them quite cleverly. She ran around our town, And his voice made the dowagers start. There once was a fairy named Bloom, Yelling on-on, BT, and down down, There once was a fellow from Beverly, Who took a queer up to his room, And in many more ways, did she charm me. There was a young sailor named Bates, Went in for fucking quite heavily, They fought half the night, Who danced the fandango on skates, He fucked night and day, To see who had the right, There was a young girl from Assizes, He fell on his cutlass, Till his bullocks gave way, To do what, where, and how to whom. Whose breasts were of two different sizes, Which rendered him nutless, But the doctors replaced them quite cleverly. The left one was small, And practically useless on dates. There was a young man of Bombay, Sweet nothing at all, A philandering pres named Bill, Who fashioned a cunt out of clay, The right one was large and won prizes. There's a charming young lady named Beaulie, Was married to a lawyer named "Hill", But the heat of his prick Who's often been screwed by yours truly, He played on the side, Turned the clay into brick, There was a young man from Australia, But now -- it's appalling, And repeatedly lied, And it rubbed all his foreskin away. Who went on a wild bacchanalia, My balls always fall in! 'Cuz his female intern said "I will" He buggered a frog, I fear that I've fucked her unduly. That dirty old hasher Flying Booger Two mice, and a dog, There was a young parson named Binns, Was looking for a perverted hooker. And a bishop in fullest regalia. He found one and took it to bed, Who talked about women and things. He found a vision in satin And then in dismay he dropped dead, But his secret desire, Who knew Greek but no Latin There was a young man from Australia, For that spiraling snatch, Was a boy in the choir, So up the Hershey highway he took her. Who painted his arse like a dahlia, Though nearly a match, With the bottom like jelly on springs. The drawing was fine, Had cum with a left-handed thread. There once was a young man from Boston, The color divine, When her daughter got married in Bicester, Who tried to get laid in an Austin, But the scent--ah, that was a failure. There was a young girl who begat, Her mother remarked as she kissed her, There was room for his ass, Three brats, by name Nat, Pat and Tat, "That fellow you've won, And four gallons of gas, There was an old maid from the Azores, It was fun in the breeding, Is sure to be fun, But his balls hung outside and he lost 'em. "In Boston," said Jane, "it makes sense There once was a Duchess of Bruges, Who put his own mother in pod, You've made much fine verse on, To go for the specialty; hence Whose cunt was incredibly huge, Nis name? It was Tucker, Each part of my person, I've come to get scrod." Said the King to this dame, The Bugger, the Fucker, Now do something - there's a good boy." And her friend said, "That's odd, As he thunderously came, The Bleeder, The Bastard, The Sod. You've used the past pluperfect tense." "Mon Dieu! Apres Moi, Le deluge!" A policeman from near Clapham Junction, A pretty young thing from Cape Cod, Had a penis which just wouldn't function, There was a young fellow named Bouch, There once was a man named Bruno, Said, "Good things come only from God." For the rest of his life, Who invited a girl to a couch, Who said "Fucking is on thing I do know. But 'twas not the Almighty, He misled his poor wife, He said, "Pretty young miss, A woman is divine, Who lifted her nightie, With a snot on the end of his truncheon. I will take you, I wish, A boy is more fine, But Roger the lodger, the sod. Horizontally, vertically, crouch." But a llama is numero uno." There was a young harlot of Crete, There was a young man from Cape Horn, Who was hawking her meat in the street, There was a young lady named Brent, An Argentine gaucho named Bruno, Who wished he had never been born, Ambling out one fine day, With a cunt of enormous extent, Said, "Fucking is one thing I do know, He wouldn't have been, In a casual way, And so deep and wide, A woman is fine, If his father had seen, She clapped up the whole British fleet. The acoustics inside, A boy is divine, That the end of his Frenchie was torn. Were so good you could hear when you spent. But a llama is 'numero uno'." There was a young woman of Croft, There once was a passionate young Celt, Who played with herself in a loft, There was a young lady in Brent, There once was a Bishop of Buckingham, Who'd an urge to know how a cock felt, Having reasoned that candles, When her old man's pecker is bent, Who wrote 'Woman and Twelve ways of One went in hard and straight, Could never cause scandals, She said with a sigh, Fuckin' 'em', He then went berserk, But the heat was so great, Besides which they did not go soft. "Oh why must it die? When outdone by a Turk, The she found she had caused it to melt. Let's fill it with Portland Cement." Who wrote 'Assholes and Twelve Way of There was a young lady of Crewe, Suckin' 'em'. An unfortunate fellow named Chase, Whose cherry a chap had got through, There was a young fellow named Brewster, Had an ass that was badly misplaced, Which she told to her mother, Who said to his wife as he goosed her, The gay young Duke of Buckingham, He showed indignation, Who fixed her another, "It used to be grand, Stood on the bridge at Rockingham, When an investigation, Out of rubber and red ink and glue. But just look at my hand, Watching the stunts, Of the cunts and the punts, Proved that few persons shit through their face. You ain't wiping as clean as you used 'ter." And the tricks of the pricks that were fucking A lady while dining at Crewe, 'em. There was a young lady of Cheam, Found an elephant's dong in her stew, There was a young trucker named Briard, Who crept into the vestry unseen, Said the waiter, "Don't shout, Who had a young whore that he hired, There once was a Queen of Bulgaria, She pulled down her knickers, Or wave it about, To fuck when not trucking, Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier, And likewise the Vicar's, Or the others will all want one too.!" But trucking plus fucking, Till a Prince from Peru, Who came for a screw, And said, "How about it, ol' bean?" Got him so fucking tired he got fired. Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier. A nasty old bugger of Cheltenham, There was a young lady from Crewe-Pitt, Once shit in his bags as he knelt in 'em, Who did something amazingly stupid, There once was a young man from Brighton, There was a bloke in Calcutta, He sold them at Ware, After her lover had spent, Who said to a young lass, "You're a tight'un!" Who did a shit in the gutter, To a gentleman there, She douched with cement, She said, "Listen, Hon, Sun was so hot, Who didn't much like what he smelt in 'em. And later gave birth to a statue of cupid. You're in the wrong one. Melted his balls on the spot, There's plenty of room in the right one." And off they flowed like butter. There was a young woman of Chester, There was a young woman of Croft, There was a young man from Calleen, Who said to the man who undressed her, Who played with herself in a loft, There was a young sailor from Brighten, Who invented a fucking machine, "I think you will find, Having reasoned that candles, Who said to his girl "You're a tight 'un," He pulled out the choke, That it's better behind, Could never cause scandals, She replied, " 'Pon my soul, And the bloody thing broke, As the front is beginning to fester." Besides which they did not go soft. You're in the wrong hole, And mixed both his balls into cream. There's plenty of room in the right 'un." There once was a novice at Chichester, There once was a young lady from Dallas, A fisherman off of Cape Cod, Whose form made the saints in their niches stir. Who used dynamite as a phallus. That old aussie hasher named Bruce, Who attempted to bugger a cod, One morning at matins, They found her vagina, Had a dick that was really no use, When up came some scallops, Her bosom 'neath stains, In North Carolina, But in bed with his Sheila, That nibbled his bullocks, Made the Bishop of Chichester's britches stir. And bits of her tits in Dallas. With his fingers he'd feel her, And now he's eunuch, by God. And his tongue would then lap up her juice. "For the tenth time, dull Daphne," said Chlo-ey, There was a young girl of Darjeeling, There was a young man from Cape Cod, "You told me my bosom is snowy, Who could dance with such exquisite feeling, There was never a sound, When she could not get these, But he tied her up wrong ways, From riding a bike, For miles around, She ate the green cheese, Not crossways, but long ways. On a cobblestone pike, Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling. That she scraped off the sides of her twat. And a forty car train disappeared. But it was really broken from pokin'.

There was a young man named Dave, There was a strong man of Drumrig, There once was a Filipino hombre, A hillbilly farmer named Hollis, Who kept a dead whore in a cave, Who one day did seven times frig, Who ate rice, pescado y legumbre. With possums and snakes sought his solace, She was missing a tit, He buggered three sailors, His trousers were wide, His children had scales, And smelled quite a bit, Four butchers, two tailors, And his shirt hung outside, And prehensile tails, But think of the money he saves. And ended by fucking a pig. And this, I may say, was costumbre. And voted for Governor Wallace.

There once was a girl from Decator, There was an old man of Duluth, There once was a hasher from Fort Worth, A TV anchor named Hughes, Who was laid by a big alligator, Whose cock was shot off in his youth, Whose tool was of unusual girth, Had a ratings trick that couldn't lose, Now nobody knew, He fucked with his nose, When a girl from the south, When an item was hot, The results of that screw, And with fingers and toes, Took his dick in her mouth, It's taped to her twat, Cuz after he laid her he ate her. And he came through a hole in his tooth. She said, "I'm sorry I can't say the last verth." And she's on the air spreading the news.

There was a young lady from Dee, There was an old man of Dundee, There was a young lady from France, A fellow whose surname was Hunt, Whose hymen was split into three, Who came home as drunk as could be. Who decided to take just one chance. Trained his cock to perform a slick stunt. And when she was diddled, He wound up the clock, For an hour or so, This versatile spout, The middle string fiddled, With the end of his cock, She just let herself go, Could be turned inside out, "Nearer, My God, To Thee." And buggered his wife with the key. And now all her sisters are aunts. Like a glove that he used as a cunt.

There was a young Scot from Delray, There was a young girl of Dundee, A young man with passions quite gingery, A towering boor named Infernal, Who buggered his father one day. Who was raped by an ape in a tree. Tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie. Sported organs of sex internal, Saying, "I like it rather, The result was most horrid- He slapped her behind, When an insensitive lass, Did take him to task, To stuff up Father, All ass and no forehead, And made up his mind, He replied, "Contraria contrariis curantur-al." He's clean and there's nothing to pay. Three balls and a purple goatee. To add incest to insult and injury. ("Things are cured by their opposite-als")

To his bride said the one-eyed detective, The new cinematic emporium, A hasher from Down-Under did find, There once was a girl from Jayling, "Can it be that my eyesight's defective? Is not just a super sensorium, He was in Paris with sheep on his mind. Who said she had no sexual feeling. Has your east tit the least bit, But a highly effectual, So he tried a French ewe, Until a cynic named Boris, The best of your west tit, Heterosexual, Filling this poor sheep with spew, Touched her clitoris, Or is it a trick of perspective?" Mutual masterbatorium. Her diarrhea making it a wonderous grind. And they're still scraping her off the ceiling.

There was a young girl of Detroit, An Eskimo on his vacation, There was a young man of high station, They say Jack and his best girlfriend Jill, Who at fucking was very adroit. Took a night off to succumb to temptation. Who was found by a pious relation. One nice day went and climbed up a hill. She could squeeze her vagina, Ere the night was half through, Making love in a ditch, Was it water they're after? To a pin-point, or finer, The Eskimo was, too, To - I won't say a bitch- Then why all the laughter? Or open it out like a quoit. For their nights are of six months' duration. But a woman of no reputation. And how come Jill made sure of her pill?

There was a young girl of Devon, I love her in her evening gown, There was a young lady named Hilda, There once was an old Jew from Peru, Who was raped in the garden by seven, I love her in her nighty, Who went for a walk with a builder. Who was vainly trying to screw, High Anglican Priests- But when the moonlight flits, He knew that he could, His wife said, "Oi vey, The lascivious beasts- Between her tits, An he should, and he would- If you don't hurry, Of such is the kingdom of Heaven Jesus Christ almighty! And he did - and he goddam near killed her! The messiah will come before you!"

There was a young lady of Dexter, There was a young lady of Exeter, There was a young lady named Hitchin, There was a young fellow named Keith, Whose husband exceedingly vexed her, So pretty that men craned their necks at her. Who was scratching her crotch in the kitchen, Who liked to be fondled beneath. For whenever they'd start, One went so far, Her mother said, "Rose, It was fun, he decided, He'd unfailingly fart, As to wave from his car, It's the crabs, I suppose." But only provided With a blast that damn nearly unsexed her. The distingushing mark of this sex at her. She said, "Yes, and the buggers are itchin'." The girl used her lips, not her teeth.

There once was a young lady named Dot, There once was a villain most feared, There once was a girl from Hoboken, There once was a rabbi from Keith, Who lived on pigshit and snot, Who tied a girl to the train tracks and leered, Who claimed her cherry was broken, Who circumcised men with his teeth. It was not for the treasure, He sat on a stool, When on Kenneth Starr's lap But it wasn't the size, Nor sexual pleasure, And took out his tool, she confided, when trapped, That opened girls eyes, But to get at the cheese underneath. And said, "If I play, will you sing." "Bill Clinton is hung like Nijinsky." 'Twas his beat iambic pentameter.

There was a young couple named Kelly, King Louis gave a lesson in class, Limericks are art forms complex, There once was a fellow named McSweeney, Who were found stuck belly to belly, One time he was sexing a lass, Their topics run chiefly to sex. Who spilled some gin on his weenie, Because in their haste, When she used the word 'Damn' They usually have virgins, Now just to be couth, The used library paste, He rebuked her: "Please ma'am, And masculine urgin's, He added vermouth, Instead of petroleum jelly. Keep a more civil tongue in my ass." And other erotic effects. And slipped his girl a martini.

There was a young couple named Kelly, You're leaving us now for Korea, Where is Little Boy Blue this fine morn? There was a young woman named Melanie, Who once got stuck belly to belly, Taking your charm, your wit, your Gonorrhea. In the haystack as sure as you're born, Who was asked by a man, "Do you sell any?" Because in their haste, When you get there you'll find, But he isn't asleep; She replied, "No siree, They used library paste, That the hashers are kind, He's with Little Bo-Peep; I give it away for free. Instead of petroleum jelly. But just the same, I wouldn't want ta be Ya. And just look where he's putting his horn. To sell it, dear sir, is a felony.

There was a young fellow from Kent, There was a young plumber of Lea, "As for screwing," said Little Miss Muffet, There once was a young man from Missouri, Whose prick was so long that it bent, Who was plumbing a girl by the sea. "I proclaim here and now that I love it. Who fucked with a terrible fury, To save himself trouble, She said, "Stop your plumbing, I defy the authority Till hauled into court, He put it in double, There's somebody coming!" Of the Moral Majority. For his bestial sport, And instead of cumming he went. Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me!" They can take all their preaching and stuff it." And condemned by a poorly hung jury.

There was a young lady from Kew, There was a young fellow from Leeds, There was a young man from Lynn, There was a young maid from Mobile, Who filled her vagina with glue. Who swallowed a package of seeds. Whose prick was the size of a pin. Whose pussy was made of blue steel. She said with a grin, Great tufts of grass, Said his girl with a laugh, She got her thrills, "If they pay to get in, Sprouted out of his ass, As she fondled his staff, From pneumatic drills, They'll pay to get out of it too." And his balls were all covered with weeds. "This won't be much of a sin." And off-centered emery wheels.

There was a young lady of Kew, When a lecherous curate at Leeds, There was a young lady from Maine, There once was a man named Magoo, Who said as the Curate withdrew, Was discovered, one day, in the weeds, Who enjoyed copulating on a train. Who went paddling out in a canoe, "The Vicar is slicker, Astride a young nun, Not once, I maintain, When he hit a rock, And quicker and thicker, He said, "Christ this is fun. But again and again, He quickly grabbed his cock, And two inches longer than you." Far better than telling one's beads!" And again and again and again. And surfaced with a hand full of goo.

That selfsame young lady of Kew, There once was a gal named Lewinsky I once knew a girl named Maureen A kinky hasher named Martinez, Said as the vicar withdrew, Who played on a flute like Stravinsky Her cunt was a mass of gangrene Liked to carve grooves in a penis, "The Verger's emerger 'Twas "Hail to the Chief" But health nuts she found To make it so rough Is longer and lurger on this flute made of beef Would still eat her mound It would scuff her tough muff, And he gets his balls in too." that stole the front page from Kaczynski. 'Cause maggots are high in protein And bring her passion to a zenith.

There was a young fellow named Kimble, Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky There was a young girl named McCall, There once was a man named McNamiter, Whose dick was exceedingly nimble, We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski, Whose Cunt was exceedingly small, With a tool of prodigious diameter, But fragile and slender, Since you look such a mess, But the size of her anus, But it wasn't the size, And dainty and tender, use the hem of your dress Was something quite heinous- That opened girls eyes, So he kept it encased in a thimble. And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky. It could hold seven dicks and one ball. 'Twas his beat iambic pentameter.

All the lady-apes ran from Kin Kong, Lewinsky and Clinton have shown A disgusting young man named McGill, There once was a fellow named McSweeney, For his dong was unspeakably long. what Kaczynski must surely have known: Made his neighbors exceedingly ill, Who spilled some gin on his weenie, But a friendly giraff, that an intern is better When they learned of his habits, Now just to be couth, Quaffed his yard and a half, than a bomb in a letter Involving white rabbits, He added vermouth, And ecstatically burst into song. given the choice to be blown. And a bird with a flexible bill. And slipped his girl a martini.

The last time I dined with the King, There was a young girl called Lewinsky, There once was a man named McNamiter, There once was a young man from Missouri, He did quite a curious thing. Who caused as much stir as Kaczynski With a tool of prodigious diameter, Who fucked with a terrible fury, Till hauled into court, Of impotence, size and aroma. And jerk itself off in between. He was sucking goat meat, For his bestial sport, Not swallowing the cum treat, And condemned by a poorly hung jury. There was a young man from Paree, There once was a man from Rangoon, But using it for facial cream. Who buggered an ape in a tree, Who was born nine months too soon, There was a young nun from Siberia, A handsome young monk in a wood, The result was quite horrid, He didn't have the luck, Endowed with a virgin interior, Told a girl she should cling to the good. All ass and no forehead, To be born by a fuck, Until an old monk, She obeyed him, and gladly; Three balls and a purple goatee. He was scraped off the sheets with spoon. Jumped into her bunk, He repulsed her, but sadly, And now she's the Mother Superior. "My dear, you have misunderstood." There once was a fellow named Perkin, There was a young lawyer named Rex, Who was constantly jerkin' his yerkin, With diminutive organs of sex, There once was a monk from Siberia, A man on a farm in Moritz, Said his father with a plea, When hauled in for exposure, Whose life it grew drearier and drearier, Once planted two acres of titz, "Son won't you listen to me, He replied with composure, He did to a nun, They came up in the fall, Your yerkin's not for jerkin' it's fer ferkin." "De minimis non curat lex." What he shouldn't have done, Pink nipples and all, ("The law does not concern itself with trivial And now she's a mother superior. Then he leisurely chewed them to bitz. There once was a woman from Peru, things.") Who stuffed up her pussy with glue. There was a young lady from Sidney, There was a young lady from Munich, She said with a grin, There was a young fellow named Rick, Who took it right up to the kidney, Who was ravished one night by a eunuch, "They'll fight to get in, Who was cursed with a spiraling dick, One fellow by heck, At the height of her passion, And they'll fight to get out of it too!" He started to hunt, Went right up to his neck, He slipped her a ration, For a twisted up cunt, He had a big one now, didn't he? From a squirt gun concealed in his tunic. There was an old lady from Phlox, That would match his curly-cue prick. There once was a girl from Nantique, Who set dynamite off in her box, There was a young man of St. James, Whose sex life was very erratic. When asked the sensation, There was a young German named Ringer, Who indulged in the jolliest of games. She dodged every feller, She cried with elation, Who was screwing an opera singer. He lighted the rim, From third floor to cellar, "It's better than elephant cocks!" Said he with a grin, Of his grandmother's glim, But slept with them all in the attic. "Well, I've dure got it in!" And laughed as she pissed through the flames. There was a young lady called Phoebe, Said she, "You mean that ain't your finger?" There was a young man of Nantucket, Who kept a small tame amoebae, There was a young man of St. Johns, Whose prick was so long he could suck it, The wee piece of jelly, Rosalina, a pretty young lass, Who wanted to bugger the swans. He said, with a grin, Would crawl on her belly, Had a truly magnificent ass, "Oh no," said the porter, As he wiped off his chin, And tenderly murmur "Ich liebe." Not rounded and pink, "You bugger my daughter, "If my ear were I cunt, I'd fuck it." As you possibly think- Them swans is reserved for the Dons." The pilot come home a flying, It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass. The prior of Dunstan St. Just, There once was a man from Nantucket, Then get a young girl to sighing. Consumed with erotical lust, Who took a pig in the bushes to fuck it. By praising her twat in, There was a young woman named Sally Raped the Bishop's prize fowls But as he entered from the rear, Both Greek and in Latin, Who loved an occasional dally. Buggered four startled owls, The pig squealed "NO!, come around here, Then fucking her 'til she was dying. She sat on the lap And a little green lizard, that bust. Enter from the front and I'll suck it. Of a well-endowed chap, She wasn't what one would call pretty, And said, "ooh, you're right up my alley." When a woman in strapless attire, An elderly pervert in Nice, And other girls offered her pity. Found her breasts working higher and higher, Who was long past wanting a piece, So nobody guessed, A Scotsman who lived by the Loch, A guest, with great feeling, Would jack-off his hogs, That her Wasserman test, Had holes down the length of his cock, Exclaimed, "How appealing! His cows and his dogs, Involved half of Oklahoma City. When he got an erection, Do you mind if I piss in the fire?" Till his parrot called in the police. He would play a selection, A hermit who had an oasis, A frustrated virgin named Pugh, From Johann Sebastian Bach. A deacon of Tantary-Crim, Thought it the best of all places. Once dreamed she was having a scrugh, Whose notions of fucking were grim, He could pray and be calm, Repenting her sin, There was a young fellow named Scott, Used to get lots of fun 'Neath a pleasant date palm, She awoke with chagrin, Who took a girl out on his yacht, Out of stuffing a nun While the lice on his penis ran races. At finding it perfectly trugh. But too lazy to rape her, With the sign of the cross on her quim. He made darts of brown paper, A chap down in Oklahoma, There was a young man from Rancine, Which he languidly tossed at her twat. While Titian was mixing rose madder, Had a dick that could sing LaPaloma, Who invented a fucking machine, He espied a nude girl on a ladder. But the sweetness of pitch, Concave or convex, A girl from the city was seen, Her position to Titian, Couldn't put off the hitch, It could fit either sex, Fulfilling a life long dream. Suggested coition, So he climbed up the ladder and had 'er. For the pitch of her organ went tinny. And buggered a sow, Your sister leaves slime trails like snails. Two hares and a fully grown steer. If you like this your a sick motherfucker. There was a young lady of Trent, A habit both vile and unsavory, Who said that she knew what it meant, Kept the Bishop of London in slavery, Chorus 556 When he asked her to dine, With lecherous howls, Ohhhhh, Ai, ya, ya, yaaa, Sing Us Another One Do Private room, lots of wine, He deflowered little owls, (Use one line insult here from list below) She knew, oh she knew, but she went! That he kept in an underground aviary. So sing me another verse, To be sung as chorus between limericks or be- That's worse than the other verse, tween songs. See Limericks for material. There was a young man of Trieste, A hasher, disgustingly vile, And waltz me around by my willy. Who loved his young wife with such zest, Was swallowed by a crocodile, That was a terrible song, That despite all her howls, Who digested his skin, (Sing limericks for verses and alternate with Sing us another one, He sucked out her bowels, And most things within, chorus) Just like the other one, And puked up the mess on her chest. But choked on his MEMBRUM VIRILE. Sing us another one do. (Insults): There was a young student of Trinity, There once was a lady from Wheeling, Your mother does squat thrusts on fire hydrants. Who shattered his sister's virginity. Who protested she lacked sexual feeling, Your sister got turned down by hashers. He buggered his brother, til a cynic named Boris, Your brother bends over for quarters. Had twins by his mother, Touched her Clitoris, Your mother and father are siblings. And took double honour in Divinity. And the scraped her off the ceiling. Your sister swims after troop ships. You and your father are brothers. A broken down harlot named Tupps, There once was a whore on the dock, Your sister goes down for a quarter. Was heard to confess in her cups: From dusk until dawn she sucked cock, Your brother wears white silk stockings. "The height of my folly, 'Til one day it's said, Your porch light turns red in the evening. Was fucking a collie- She gave so much head, Your sister douches with Drano. But I got a nice price for the pups." She exploded and whitewashed the block. Your mother uses hamsters for tampons. Your sister rides bikes without seats. At the orgy I fucked twenty-two, A organist playing in York, Your mother's so dry that the crabs carry can- And man, was I glad to get through, Had a prick that could hold a small fork. teens. A whole night of sexing, And between obbligatos, Your sister can suck-start a Harley. Turns boring and vexing, He'd munch at tomatoes, Your mother uses tampax for teabags. But at orgies, what else can you do? And keep up his strength while at work. Your mother uses an orthopedic douche bag. Your sister eats green spots out of bird shit.Your But that didn't bother these two, Limerick Songs mother goes down on Rush Limbaugh. They said as the Bishop withdrew, Rush Limbaugh goes down on your sister. Your mother and father were brothers. "The Vicar is slicker, 555 And quicker and thicker, Your brother fills empty cream donuts. Rodriguez the Mexican Pervert Your father's boyfriend's in prison. And longer and stronger than you." (To: Frito Bandito) Your sister's in love with a carrot. Your mother uses Frisbees for diaphragms. There was a young lady of Twickenham, This song is used to spice up limericks. See the Who regretted that men had no prick in them, Your father does eight year old Brownies. "Limericks" section for more verses. Your sister is also your cousin. On her knees every day, To her God she would pray, Your mother eats shit and lives. Ai, ya, ya, yaaa, Your brother likes sheep more than women. To lengthen and strengthen, and thicken 'em. Rodriguez the Mexican pervert, Your sister give head to your brother. He buggered his mother, Your mother's vibrator is made by John Deere. A lady astrologist in Vancouver, And cornholed his brother, Your uncle bends over for quarters. Once captured a man by maneuver. So they waltzed him around by his willy. Your son is also your nephew. Influenced by Venus, Your mother likes gangbangs from scout troops. She jumped on his penis, (limerick - *pack repeats last two words of first Your sister sucks moose cum off pine cones. And nothing on Earth could remove her. and second lines of all limericks) Your daughter gives blow jobs to hashers. A visiting hasher was here, Your mother sucks farts from dead chickens. A maiden who lived in Virginny, (was here?*) Your father eats your brothers cream donuts. Had a cunt that could bark, neigh and whinny. To run him some trails and drink beer. Your brother eats grandpa's donuts. The hunting set chased her, (drink beer?*) Your mother/sister licks bat shit off cave walls. Fucked, buggered, then dropped her, He molested a cow, Your mother and sister are brothers. 557 Agana Hash, Agana Hash, rah, rah, fuck! CUNT. And as they pushed the great doors wide, A Is For A Both prick and gun flashed free, Sing like like a Gregorian chant. 559 561 "According to sex, you bleeding wrecks, Cactus In My Y-Fronts Eskimo Nell You'll fuck or you'll drink with me. Songmaster: "A" is for A. Recitation Gather round all you whorey, They'd heard of the prick of Dead-eye Dick, All: Chorus Gather round and hear this story! From Main to Panama, A, I've got Cactus in my Y-fronts, And with scarcely worse that a muttered curse, Aye, aye, aye, aye. A vulture on my head, When a man grows old and his balls grow cold, Those Dingoes sought the bar. I've just been kissed by a Tennessee Miss, And the tip of the tool turns blue, Songmaster: And I wish that I was dead. And it bends in the middle like a one-string The girls too know his playful ways, "L" is for Long. I've a jock strap made of leather, fiddle, Down on the Rio Grande, All: That tickles tee he hee, He can tell you a tale or two. And forty whores pulled down their drawers, Long, But the cactus in my Y fronts, At Dead-eye Dick's command. A long, Made a loser out of me. So pull up a chair, and stand me a drink, They saw the fingers of Mexican Pete, Aye, aye, aye, aye. I was up in Cripple Creek; And a tale to you I'll tell, Itch on the trigger grip, I was dying for a leak, Of Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete, And they didn't wait at a fearful rate, Songmaster: So I dropped behind a cactus there. And harlot called Eskimo Nell. Those whores began to strip. "S" is for Strong. And when I did up my belt, I can't tell you how it felt, All: When Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete, Now Dead-eye Dick was breathing quick, Strong, But I knew the meaning of a prickly pear. With lecherous snorts and grunts, Go forth in search of fun, Long strong, It's Dead-eye Dick that slings the prick, As forty arses were bared to view, A long strong. I went down to Nevada, And Mexican Pete the gun. And likewise forty cunts. Aye, aye, aye, aye. Where the girls try so much harder, And I met a cute young thing called Caroline. When Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete, Now forty arses and forty cunts, Songmaster: But each time she felt my prickles, If you can use your wits, She said "goodness me to tickles!" Are sore, depressed and sad, "B" is for Black. It's always a cunt that bears the brunt,But the And if you're slick at arithmetic, All: Now she's gone and run off with a porcupine. Makes exactly eighty tits. shooting ain't so bad. Black, Strong black, In Cal-i-for-ni-a where the rustlers are so 'gay', Now eighty tits are a gladsome sight, I bought a gentle gee-gee name of jack. Now Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete, Long strong black, Lived down by Dead Man's Creek, For a man with a raging stand, A long strong black, But he livened up a lot, It may be rare in Berkeley Square, When he felt my prickly bot, And such was their luck that they'd had no fuck, (Continue as above with the songmaster For nigh on half a week. But not on the Rio Grande. adding more on from below.) That bucking bronco broke my bloomin' back.

Now Dead-eye Dick had fucked a few, 560 Just a moose or two and a caribou, "P" is for Pudding. On the last preceding night, The Creation Of A Pussy And a bison cow or so, "U" is for Up. This he had done just to show his fun, (To: Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,) And for Dead-eye Dick with his kingly prick, "M" is for My. And to whet his appetite. This was mighty slow. "S" is for Sister's. Created a pussy to their design. "C" is for Cat's. His phallic limb was in fucking trim, First was a butcher, smart with wit, So do or dare, this horny pair, "A" is for Asshole. As he backed and took a run, Using a knife he gave it a slit. Set forth for the Rio Grande. "T" is for Twice. He made a dart at the nearest tart, Second was a carpenter, strong and bold, Dead-eye Dick with his might prick, "N" is for Nightly. And scored a hole in one. With a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole. And Pete with his gun in his hand. "W" is for Weather. "P" is for Permitting. Third was a tailor, tall and thin, He bore this whore to the sandy floor, "S" is for Sideways. By using red velvet, he lined it within. And as they blazed their noisy trail, And there he ground her fine, Fourth was a hunter, short and stout, No man their path withstood, And though she grinned, it put the wind, (If the songmaster and pack is really good, add With a piece of fox fur, he lined it without. And many a bride, her husband's pride, Up the other thirty nine. more. Be creative. Make upadditions or even a Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell, A pregnant widow now stood. completely different set of lines.) threw in a fish and gave it a smell. 558 Sixth was a preacher whose name was Mc Gee, They reached the sand of the Rio Grande, When Dead-eye Dick lets loose his prick, Agana HHH Chant Punched it and blessed it At the height of the blazing noon, He's got no time to spare, Cocksucker, motherfucker, eat a bag of shit, And said it could pee. And to slack the thirst and do their worst, For speed and length combined with strength, Cunt hair, douche bag, bite your mother's tit. Last came a sailor, dirty little runt, They sought Black Mike's Saloon. He fairly singes hair. We're the Agana Hash, all the others suck, He sucked it and fucked it and called it a He made a dart at the next spare tart, And made his balls inflate, As to set in complete defiance, Where the walrus plays with his prong, When into that Harlot's Hell, Until they looked like granite knobs, The basic cause and primary laws, Where the polar bear wanks off in his lair, Strode a gentle maid who was unafraid, On top of a garden gate. That govern sexual science. That's where they'll sing this song. And her name was Eskimo Nell. He blew his anus inside out, She calmly rode through the phallic code, "They'll tell this tale on the Arctic trail, By this time Dick had got his prick, His balls increased in size, Which for years had stood the test, Where the nights are sixty below, Well into number two, His mighty prick grew twice as thick, And the ancient rules of the Classic schools, Where it's so damn cold that the Johnnies are When Eskimo Nell let out a yell, Till it almost reached his eyes. In a second or two went West. sold, She bawled to him: "Hey, you!" Wrapped up in a ball of snow. He gave a flick of his muscular prick, He polished it up with alcohol, And so my friends we come to the end, And the girl flew over his head, And made it steaming hot, Of copulation's classic, "In the valley of death with baited breath, And he wheeled about with an angry shout, To finish the job he sprinkled the knob, The effect on Dick was sudden and quick, That's were they'll sing it too, His face and his balls were red. With a cayenne pepper pot. And akin to an anesthetic. Where the skeletons rattle in sexual battle, And the rotting corpses screw. She glanced our hero up and down, Then neither did he take a run, He fell to the floor and knew no more, Her tits were proud and high, Nor did he take a leap, His passions extinct and dead, "Back to the land where men are men, With utter scorn she glimpsed the horn, Nor did he stoop, but took a swoop, And he did not shout as his prick fell out, Terra Bellicum, That rose from his hairy thigh. And a steady forward creep. Though 'twas stripped right down to a thread. And there I'll spend my worthy end, For the North is calling: 'Come'." She blew the smoke from her cigarette, With piercing eye he took a sight, Then Mexican Pete jumped to his feet, Over his steaming knob. Along his mighty tool, To avenge his pal's affront, So Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete, So utterly beat was Mexican Pete, And the steady grin as he pushed it in, With a jarring jolt he rammed his Colt, Slunk out of the Rio Grande, That he failed to do his job. Was calculatedly cool. Right up her gaping cunt. Dead-eye Dick with his useless prick, And Pete with no gun in his hand. It was Eskimo Nell who broke the spell, Have you seen the giant pistons, He rammed it hard to the trigger guard, In accents clear and cool:, On the might C.P.R. And fired it three plus three, Yes, when a man grows old and his balls grow "You cunt-struck shrimp of a Yankee pimp, With the driving force of a thousand horse? But to his surprise she closed her eyes, cold, You call that a 'kingly tool'? Well, you know what pistons are. And squealed with ecstasy. And the end of his tools turns blue, Or you think you do. But you've yet to learn, And the hole in the middle refuses to piddle, "If this here town can't take that down," The ins and outs of the trick, She jumped to her feet with a smile so sweet, I'd say he was fucked, wouldn't you? She sneered to those cowering whores, Of the work that's done on a non-stop run, "Bully," she said, "for you." "There's one little cunt that can do the stunt, By a guy named Dead-eye Dick. "It's hard to believe that was the best, 562 It's Eskimo Nell's not yours." That you poor cunts could do. Hash Rap But Eskimo Nell was no infidel, "When next, my friend, that you intend, She stripped her garments one by one, As good as a whole harem, To sally forth for fun, Rap With an air of conscious pride, With the strength of ten in her abdomen, Buy Dead-eye Dick a sugar stick, Wen yuh get out uh bed, wit uh pane in yuh hed, And as she stood in her womanhood, And the rock of ages between 'em. Any yourself an elephant gun. Foe-get wut chuh sed cuz yuh feelin' haf ded, They saw the great divide. Yuze HASHIFIED. She could take the stream of a lover's cream, "I'm going back to the frozen North, She seated herself on table top, Like the flush of a water closet, Where the pricks are hard and strong, Dare at duh Down Down, ain't no thaang, Where someone had left his glass. And she gripped his cock like a Chatswood Back to the land of the frozen stand, Mommie-daddie-liddle kid, With a twitch of her tits she crushed it to bits, Lock, Where the nights are six months long. Who yuh gon bring? Between the two cheeks of her ass. On the National Safe deposit. Run in yoh shawt shawts, show sum laig, But Dead-eye Dick could not come quick, "It's hard as tin when they put it in, Yuh gats nuddin tuh hyde, yuh bin pra-puh lee She flexed her knees with supple ease, He meant to conserve his powers, In the land where spunk is spunk, razed, And spread her legs apart, If he'd had a mind he'd grind and grind, Not a trickling stream of lukewarm cream, Yuze HASHIFIED. With a friendly nod to the horny sod, For a couple of solid hours. But a solid frozen chunk. She gave him the cue to start. Ah no summuh u hashers is the runnin' kind, Nell lay for a while with a subtle smile, "Back to the land where they understand, While summuh u walkers kinda waddle behind, But Dead-eye Dick knew a trick or two, The grip of her cunt grew keener, What it means to fornicate, But if u bend yoah shole-duhs enn crane yoah He meant to take his time, With a squeeze of her thigh she sucked him dry, Where even the dead sleep two in a bed, nek, And a girl like this was fucking bliss, With the ease of a vacuum cleaner. And the babies masturbate. Curl up yoah toes, so day doan get wet, So he played the pantomime. Yu'll be struttin' 'n stridin' like duh New York He flexed his arsehole in an out, She performed this trick in a way so slick, "Back to the land of the grinding gland, Jets, Yuze HASHIFIED. Gimme left leg right leg left. 564 Hasher Cadences - Jerk Off See that girl who's dressed in black, Wen u in sum shiggy (san-doon) and yuh doan (For a more complete list of verses, use the lines (To: Sound Off) She makes her living on her back. no ware, in use those in "Hasher Cadences - Jerk Off") Jes tek mah a-vice, You godda beware!! (Done as a cadence, with songmaster doing a Run and drink in our underwear, Cuz wen duh hare sets duh hash-course (s)he line, Following the trail set by the Hare. doan care, the pack repeating. Good for long, boring, (S)he's HASHIFIED. trails. For optional singing version that can Doctor, doctor can't you see, be used with the same verses see "Honey This hashin' life is killing me. En if lotsa liddl kids stot follo-in u, Babe")

Shoutin" "On! On!" 'till u doan no wut-tuh-doo, I got a girl from ol' Kentuck, Jes bring out yoah hash horn, it bee bad, Songmaster: Repeat after me... She can't cook, but she sure can fuck... Blast it in deh eere drumbs, day'll bee sad, Hashers, hashers are you out of song, (pack repeats) Th'ain't HASHIFIED. Too much beer and too much trail, Let's do a little cadence all night long. Another mile and I'm ready for hell. (pack repeats)

Ragland Alabama, See that girl who's dressed in red, dats were am att, Chorus For a dollar more she'll give you head. Am shukkin' n jive-n, n du-in mah rap, Songmaster:

Am tired and wired but ah don giv uh dam, Jerk off! dat hash today wuz lak Vee et Namm, Pack (making masturbation gestures): Checking left and checking right, It wuz HASHIFIED. One Two! This damn trails' gotten outta sight. Songmaster: Now dere's wun moh liddl thaing ahm wantin' t' Jerk off! That hasher over there is such an ugly fellow, say, Pack (with gestures): He can't even get laid in a cheap bordello. Before you hashers staht runnin' away. Three Four! We're the Charlottesville HARLOTS that's our Songmaster: Back check, what the heck turn around, name, Cumming now! This damn Hare is goin' down. After hashing with us you won nevuh bee duh Pack (with gestures): same, One, two, three, four, I know a girl from Arkansas, Cuz weer HASHIFIED!!! One, two-ooh, three four, Ooouuwwwwww! She can take you balls and all, (climaxing) 563 Make up a new verse when your time comes Hasher Cadences - Honey Babe Alternate Chorus: 'round, (To: Honey Babe) Songmaster: Or grab a mug of beer and do a down down. On On! (Done as with the traditional military cadence.) Pack (making masturbation gestures): Losing your virginity ain't no sin, One Two! I been poppin' them cherries since I was ten. Songmaster: Songmaster: I know a girl from Arkansas, On On! I know a girl from Ann Arbor, Pack: Pack (with gestures): Her cunt you see is as big as a harbor... Honey, honey, Three Four! Songmaster: Songmaster: The hasher's dick was a swingin' low,'Til the On On! I know a girl from Arkansas, harriette kneeled and began to blow. Pack (with gestures): Pack: One, two, three, four, Babe, babe, I know a girl from Oklahoma, Songmaster: One, two-ooh, You whore! I don't know but I've been told, She's not bad if you can take the aroma. I know a girl from Arkansas, She can take you balls and all, Hashers shorts are filled with gold. The naked hasher finished, on his face was a All: wince, He'd got a circumcision on a barbed- Oh honey, baby, mine. Have another beer now, don't you frown, wire fence. Hashers doing cadence can rock the town.

Chorus Gimme left tit right tit left. People say we're primitive, I know a girl from Sioux Falls, We say it's the only way to live. She'll suck your dick and swallow your balls... An no in that tomorrow, and forgive us, One and one makes two - two and two makes 565 Our legs swill ert like ell! Our speculations. four, Hasher's Lament As we forgive those, If the bed breaks down, we'll fuck on the floor. Recitation. When arskt "Wot mayshewdoit?" Who speculate against us. The answer is quite clear: Lead us not into Communism, Got his shorts down around his knobby knees, You wakey inner morny, The thort of cummin threw it, But deliver us, His ass and cock swinging in the breeze. All snuggle in yore bed, To a nice cool pinty beer. From Gwailos. You rubby eyes an yorney, BUT for "pint" read "gallon" For this is, I got a girl from Niagara Falls, A poundin in yore 'ead, The timey go so farst: The Sovereignty, She's got a mortgage on my balls... "It's someday," someone seddy, You thort the pubby closeat too, The Power of Authority, "You musket up, get reddy, But nowitsix 'arfpast! Forever and ever, It snearly arfpasten." Chow mein. The hare's in the valley the beer's on the hill, An so you weavy homeward, Fuck the trail, short-cut to the thrill. 568 You up then jolly quicky, All fuzzy in de hed, An almose innner flash, In Xanadu I got a gal, about six-foot-four, Your dinner's in the dustbin, Still feelin somewot sicky She fucks everything like a two bit whore. An you just want your bed. You off to join to join the Hash. Recitation. Your wifey look most unamused: An very sooney arfter, Er teeth are out and nashin'. I have a girl from the Motor City, You very somewhere else, Why can't she seem to unnerstan' In Xanadu, did Kubla Khan, Her breath smells bad, but her cunt smells shit- Amid the shoutsen larfter How fit you get from hashin'. A stately pleasure house decree, ty... Outside a pubic howse. Where Alph the great whoremonger ran, 566 Through bedrooms measureless to man. Hashers in the shiggy, hashers in the bed, Awl roun are many bodies, Have You Got a Hard-On? Five hundred whores did business there, Hashers in the outhouse getting some head. All jobby upan down, Done as cadence. May be used to end any song Each one a sight so merry, While some with big beer poddies, or cadence. Each night a virgin was laid out, If I die on the Korean Front, Are lyin' on the groun. To sacrifice her cherry. Bury me with a Korean cunt... Then on that dredful ower, Songmaster: Kubla Khan himself was there, Mid lots of mild dismay, Have you got a hard-on? Each night to do the deed, I got a gal she lives on a hill, There cums a serge of power: Pack: He offered her his mighty snake, She won't fuck, but her sister will. The hash is onit sway. Not yet. The virgin it would feed. Songmaster: Three times explosions racked the room, Her cousin from the city is a harriette, The Hornet soun so cheery, Are you gonna get one? Each time that Khan did burst, She'll straddle your face and make you wet. And on the packet run, Pack: Then Alph would take the virgin over, An sum, already weerie, You bet. Just to quench his thirst, Momma's on the bottom, Papa's on top, Are wish they did not cum. Songmaster: That great house, Baby's in the attic, filling rubbers with snot. A Czech pint givey breaver, Listen to the whorehouse, Those fine whores, For dose who laggey hind,While some fit eager Pack: A virgin every night, And Khan, Momma's on the bottom, Papa's on top, beaver, Quartet. Will see wot ecan find. Pack: Living a life of ecstacy! Baby's in the cradle yelling, "Shove it to her Pop!" It's rising now! Jus den a cawl came floaty, 569 Lionhunt Song "I'm on won," swotit sed, 567 Momma's in the hospital, Papa's in jail, The Songmaster calls the pack to follow with an An somewhere someone gloatey, Hong Kong Prayer Sister's in the corner crying, "Pussy for sale!" exagerated stomping march in a circle, with the Cry "I'm on two," instead. Recitation. Born from the turnover of Hong Daddy's got a watch, Momma's got a ring, Songmaster saying the lines and the pack re- The pack once more togevver, Kong from the U.K. to China. Sister got a baby from shaking that thing. peating as in a cadence. Dare win and strength all gon, Our Brother, I boogied last night, and the night before, But are dey finish? Never! Cos Isaac Hunt cries, "ON!" Who art in Bejing, Chorus I'm goin' back tonight, and boogie some more. We are all going on a lionhunt. Xiao Ping be thy name, United Kingdom gone, (Pack repeats each line, marching) I got a gal, about six-foot four, Our fartin, pantin army, We're not scared. Are strewn both wide and far. Thy will be done, She fucks everything, like a two-bit whore. In Hong Kong, (Stomping to the cadence) They say we must be barmy! We've got guns. They blubby right, we are! As it is in China. Papa's got a watch, mama's got a ring, Give us this day, (Forms rifle with arms in front) We run thru payne an sorrow, And bullets two. Sister's got a baby, from shakin' that thing. An sometime mud a swell, Our daily bet, (Hold fingers up as if holding bullets) This is the same underwear I wore yesterday. 571 Came to the lion. Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man. One Hen Tongue Twister Came to the mountain. (Each pack member screams loudly and runs Tell you the reason I am. The songmaster shouts the first line and the (Hold arms above head, finger tips in all directions. This is particularly I don't take a pill, I don't use Massengill. pack shouts it back, the songmaster shouts the together forming a mountain) fun when observing first time participants Man, I'm glad I'm a man. first and second lines and the pack shouts them Couldn't go around it. look dumbfounded at the rest of the pack Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man. back, accumulating lines to the end. Down (circle one arm around the other leaving the area.) Tell you the reason I am. downs to the screw ups, or it can be a drinking still pointing upward) I find Michael Bolton completely revoltin'. contest for each line. Wouldn't climb over it. 570 Man, I'm glad I'm a man. (Put same hand in motion as Man, I'm Glad I'm a Man. One hen, if going over the other hand) Had to dig under it. Recited. Two ducks, (Make digging gesture) Everyday I give thanks to God, Three squawking geese, Came to the ocean. I was born a man instead of a broad. (Hold arms out wiggling fingers like waves) When Oprah comes on, I turn off the TV. Four Limerick oysters, Couldn't go around it. I don't shave my legs, I stand up to pee. (circle one arm around the other I go to a barber, not a beauty salon. Five corpulent porpoises, still making waves) Don't pluck out my eyebrows just to draw them Wouldn't climb over it. back on. Six pairs of Don Alveezer's tweezers, (Put same hand in motion as Don't wax my pubes so I can wear shorts. if going over the other hand) I use my turn signal, I understand sports. Seven thousand Macedonian warriors Had to swim through it. Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man. (Make swimming gesture) charging in full battle armor, Tell you the reason I am. Eight brass monkeys from the ancient Came to the jungle. I don't go through a faze every 28 days. (Make gesture as if moving away sacred crypts of Egypt, Man, I'm glad I'm a man. heavy foilage with both hands) I pay cash at the grocery, no checks or coupons. Couldn't go around it. Don't take a lot of friends when I go the the Nine apathetic, syphilitic, diabetic (Continue gesture as above) john. old men on roller skates with a marked Wouldn't climb over it. I don't throw a fit when I break a nail. propensity toward procrastination and sloth, (Make climbing gesture) I don't buy a lot of shoes just because they're on Had to cut through it. sale. Ten lyrical, spherical, diabolical denizens (Make machete chopping motions) I don't apply makeup in my rear-view mirror. of the deep who quoth quay through the quivy I don't think of Bambi when I'm out hunting of the quarry constantly and at the same time Came to the desert. deer. (Make searching gesture with I drink beer from a bottle, not from a glass. Right? hand over eyes.) I don't ask my friends about the size of my ass. Couldn't go around it. Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man. (Look thirsty grabbing throat.) Tell you the reason I am. Wouldn't climb over it. I don't face the pain of water-weight gain. (Cough and show thirst.) Man, I'm glad I'm a man. Had to fly over it. Let me tell you ladies. (Make flapping motions with arms) Listen to me ladies. I love those things inside of your blouse. Came to a woman. I love your pretty faces. (Pack stops, with hands on hips) Your warm and soft embraces. Wouldn't go around her. But if I had my own two boobs, I'd never leave (Continue standing still) the house. Wouldn't jump over her. I don't spend two hours getting ready for a date, (Make basketball jump shot gesture) I don't play with dolls unless they inflate, Wouldn't crawl under her. When someone asks me my age, I never lie, (Bend over and look through the After sex in bed, my spot's always dry, legs of the person in front.) I don't read about orgasms in Vogue magazines, Had to fuck through her. I don't mind if my dates try to get in my jeans, (Make hip thrusting motions) I don't spend a fortune on French lingerie. 572 Jill came down with fifty cents; And now they have another daughter. Poetry Do you think they went for water? Little Jack Horner, Jack and Jill went up the hill, Sat in the corner, Jack and Jill went up the hill To have a little fun. Eating his sister Mary. For a bit of hanky panky Stupid Jill! Forgot that pill! He stuck in his thumb, Chorus Jill came back So now they have a son. And pulled out a plum, Poetry, poetry, how d'you like my poetry? With a very sore crack And said, "Hey, what happened to your cherry?" Not as mellow as Longfellow - but it's poetry! Jack must have been a Yankee Jack and Jill went up the hill, With a keg of brandy. Little Jack Horner Verses (spoken) Jack and Jill went up the hill Jack got stewed, Jill got screwed, Sat in the corner, With a keg of brandy Now it's Jack, Jill and Andy Fingering his sister Mary. The birds may kiss the bees goodbye, Jack got stewed, He stuck in his thumb, The buttercup . . . the butterfly. Jill got screwed Jack and Jill went up the hill, And pulled out a plum, The morning dew may kiss the grass, Now it's Jack, Jill, and Andy To smoke a little leaf. And said, "Ain't it supposed to be a cherry?" And you, my friend, may kiss my ass. Jack got high, pulled down his fly, Little Miss Muffet, Jack and Jill went up the hill, And Jill said, "Where's the beef!" Sat on a tuffet, Hickory dickory dock, To smoke a little leaf. Eating her curds and whey. The mouse ran up the clock, Jack got high, Jack and Jill went up the hill, Along came a spider, A cat drew near, Pulled down his fly, And planned to do some kissing. That crawled up inside her, The mouse did leer, And Jill said, "Where's the beef!" Jack made a pass, and grabbed her ass So she beat it to death with her spoon. As pussy was shagged by his cock. And now two of his front teeth are missing. Jack and Jill Went up the hill Jack and Jill went up the hill, Little Miss Muffet, Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, And planned to do some kissing Both carrying a bucket. Sat on a tuffet, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall, Jack made a pass When Jill bent down, her ass was round, Eating her curds and whey. All the king's horses, and all the king's men, and grabbed her ass And Jack decided to fuck it. Along came a spider, Had one fucking big omelette. And now two of his front teeth are missing. who sat down beside her, Jack and Jill went up the hill, and said, "Hey, what's in the bowl bitch?" Jack and Jill went up the hill, Jack and Jill went up the hill, For a bit of hanky panky. To fetch a pail of water. To fetch a pail of water. Jill came back with a very sore crack, Little Willie, full of glee, Jill came down with half a crown, Jill came down with half a crown, Jack must have been a Yankee Put radium in grandma's tea. But not for fetching water. But not for fetching water. Now he thinks it quite a lark, Jack and Jill went up the hill, Jack and Jill went up the hill, To see her shining in the dark. Jack and Jill, went up the hill, On an elephant. Each with a buck and a quarter. They both had a buck and a quarter. Jill got down and helped Jill came down with two-fifty, Mary had a little lamb, Jill came down with $2.50, Jack off the elephant. The fuckin' whore! Its fleece was as white as snow, Oh, what a whore. And everywhere that Mary went (Continued...) Jack and Jill went up the hill, Jack be nimble, The lamb was sure to go. Jack and Jill went up the hill, For just an itty bitty. Jack be quick, To fetch a pail of water. Jill's now two months overdue, Jack jumped over the candlestick, It followed her to school one day, Jill came down with half a crown, And Jack has left the city. Jack be nimble, School one day, school one day, But not for fetching water. Jack be quick, It followed her to school one day - Jack and Jill went up the hill, Jackie boy he singed his prick. And a big black dog fucked it! Jack and Jill went up the hill Each with a quarter. To fetch a pail of water. Jill came down with fifty cents; Jack was nimble, Mary had a little lamb, Jill forgot to take the pill, Do you think they went for water? Jack was quick, And it was always gruntin'. So now they've got a daughter. But Jill preferred the candlestick! She tied it to a five-bar gate, Jack and Jill went up the hill, And kicked its little cunt in. Jack and Jill went up the hill To fetch a pail of water. Jack be nimble, For just an itty bitty. Silly Jill forgot the pill, Jack be quick. Mary had a little sheep, Jill's now two months overdue, And now they have a daughter. Jack jumped over the candle stick, And with the sheep she went to sleep, And Jack has left the city. And burnt his balls. The sheep turned out to be a ram, Jack and Jill went up the hill, And Mary had a little lamb. Jack and Jill went up the hill, To fetch a pail of water. Little Boy Blue, Each with a quarter. Jack fell down on top of Jill, Because he needed the money. Mary had a little lamb, Her father shot it dead. It used to chew her slippers; And her wooly bit of muff. And . . . Now Mary takes the lamb to school, So Mary chopped off all it's legs, Between two hunks of bread. With a pair of clippers. Now Mary found the price of meat too high, Roses are red, Which really didn't please her. Violets are blue. (More Poetry Continued...) Mary had a little lamb, Tonight she's having leg of lamb, That's what they tell me, Mary had a little lamb, It didn't have a willy. The rest is in the freezer. Because I'm blind. Her father shot it dead. Mary made a big mistake, Now Mary takes the lamb to school, In calling this lamb Billy. When Mary had a little lamb, Roses are red, Between two hunks of bread. The doctor was surprised. Violets are for plucking. Mary had a little lamb, But, when Old MacDonald had a farm, Girls out of high school, Mary had a little lamb, She knew just what to do; The doctor nearly died. Are ready for college. She tied it to a pylon. She gave it paper and a pen, 10,000 volts went up its ass, Upon which it then drew, Old mother Hubbard, Tommy had a Christmas truck, And turned its wool to nylon. A picture of a pussy cat Went to the cupboard, He rolled on Mary's thigh. And said "Look, this is mine." To get her poor dog a bone, He rolled the truck into a cave, Mary had a little watch, And Mary said "Fuck me, a talking sheep!" But when old mother bent over, And heard young Mary sigh. She kept it in her garter. Rover drove her, 'cause, And when the boys asked her the time, Mary had a little lamb, Rover had a bone of his own. There once was an old lady, She knew what they were after. That had a little tail. That lived in a shoe, Until she caught it smoking dope, Mary had a little duck, She had so many kids that her, Mary had a little lamb, And locked it in the jail The bastard liked to fuck. Cunt could stretch over a trash can. You've heard this tale before; He shagged in front of Mom one day, But did you know she passed her plate, Mary had a little lamb, The Christmas dish was duck. (More Poetry Continued...) And had a little more! With carrots and with peas. Old mother Hubbard went to the cupboard, A little mint sauce on the top, Oh give me a home, To get her poor daughter a dress, Mary had a little lamb, And stuffing in its knees. Where the buffalo roam, But when she got there, the cupboard was bare, She kept in her yard. Where the deer and the antelope play. And so was her daughter I guess. Every time she took her panties off, Mary had a little lamb, Where seldom is heard. His little wooly dick got hard. She liked to stroke it's head. A discouraging word, There was an old woman who lived in a shoe, Until one day she found her husband After all, just what can antelope say? She said, "With my pension, that's all I can do. Mary had a little lamb, Fucking it in her bed. It may be substandard, but just down the block, Its fleece was black as charcoal. Peter Pecker picked a peck of pickled pussies; I know an old lady who lives in a sock." Every time it jumped the fence, Mary had a little lamb, A peck of pickled pussies, Peter Pecker picked. You could see its little arsehole. Its fleece was white as snow. If Peter Pecker picked a peck of pickled pussies, Little Willie, with a thirst for gore, Mary had a little lamb, And everywhere that Mary went, Where's the peck of pickled pussies Peter Peck- Nailed his mommy's baby to the door. The doctors were astounded. The lamb didn't, because Mary was cunt. er picked? Mother said with humor quaint, Everywhere that Mary went, Roses are red, Willie dear, don't spoil the paint. Gynecologists surrounded. Mary had a little lamb, Violets are blue, It's fleece was sodden red; Some poems rhyme, Little Willie, Mary had a little lamb, The reason for it was you see, But this one doesn't. Brand new skates. A little roast, a little jam. It had a pick-axe through its head. Hole in ice, An ice-cream soda topped with fizz, When Mary had a little lamb, Roses are violet, Pearly gates. Boy, how sick our Mary is. It created some division; Reds are blue. It was not what she'd expected, I'm a dyslexic, 573 Mary had a little lamb, And shocked the obstetrician. And stuff too you. Poor Lil She couldn't stop it crying; So she kicked it in the ass one day, Mary had a little lamb, Roses are red, Her name was Lil and she was a beauty, And sent it fucking flying. A giraffe and zebra too, Violets are blue. She came from a house of ill reputy, By the time she'd finished, I'm a schizophrenic, But she drank too deep of the demon rum, Mary had a little lamb, She'd fucked the whole damn zoo. And so am I. She smoked hashish and opium. Forever it was gluing. Making models of its friends, Mary had a little lamb Roses are red, She was young and she was fair, In strange positions, screwing. And now I've had enough Violets are blue. She had lovely golden hair, Mary had a little lamb, Of this stupid girl called Mary I'm amnesiac, Gentlemen came from miles to see, Lilian in her deshabille. Tuna was off at 6:32, She might be his sister, but we don't know. And she still had five shaves left. His tights were red, but his shirt was blue. At the rocket ship beer check, there was nothin' Day be day her form grew thinner, LA/LB, whose turf was he in? to fear, From insufficient protein in her. Either way he'd fit right in. Helter Skelter and EZ were guardin' the beer. She grew two hollows in her chest, AT&T passes out some greasy fries, Why she had to go around completely dressed. Chorus From In 'n' Out Burger to all of the guys. Our turf is wide--LAX to Beach,No alley or She hears that A. Tourist owned eight cars, Now clothes may make a gal go far, valley is beyond our reach. "Gosh, is he married?"--her eyes were like stars. But they have no place on a fille de joie, This hash ain't dope, this hash is good, Lillian's troubles started when, Each Thursday night we trash a different hood. Back at the finish we were all chillin', She concealed her abdomen. So Tuna is off and taggin' the street, It's Down Down time and the hashers were will- Just follow the chalk marks at our feet. in'.The usual crowd of returners was big, She went to the house physician, To quote Shortstrokes, the concept is clear, Is new boot Mike a Marine in a wig? To prescribe for her condition, Follow the graffiti to the beer. Luftswine drank for her 500th mile, "You have got," the doc did say,"Pernicious The run headed west thru some fancy hood, and Mongo won't do it Doggie Style. anem-i-a." Passing Wind passed me, movin' real good. She said, "Our sex life has become really pho- I gossiped with Luftswine 'bout C.Q. weddin' ny." She took to treatments in the sun, illin', He said, "Don't complain, I bought you a pony." She drank of Scotts Emul-si-ion, Then we came to a check and some down- The Hashit is Chum's, but wait, have you heard? Three times daily she took yeast, hillin'. Lipo and So. Baptits just did the M word. But still her clientele decreased. Off trail we followed Scooter and Lipo down, And now that's over, it's On On time, Wished I had some bread crumbs to throw on That's the story, all told in rhyme. the ground. So say what you will about this rap, For you must know her clientel-le, Then up the streets and Via Pavo, You might think it's nothin' but crap. Rested chiefly on her belly, (Hey--is that Spanish for "paved road?") All in all the trail was nothin' to dis, She rilled that thing like the deep Pacific, Found some trail, then shortcut again, And I'm just a bitch with PMS. It was something calorific. To a scenic viewpoint just 'round the bend.

No flour, no whistles, no runners in sight, 575 As Lillian lay in her dishonor, We might be in for a long, lost night. Sexiatus Relievium She felt the hand of the Lord upon her, At the corner where Newton and Hawthorne She said, "My sins I now repents, meet, Do as a Gregorian chant. But, Lord, that'll cost you fifty cents." There we found arrows at our feet.

We tagged the ground, 7:23, Sexiatus mania, This is the story of Lillian, PH, LS, BH--the SCBs. Frustratum randium, She was one girl in a million, Hey, that's short-cuttin' bimbos to you, Sexiatus mania, This is the moral for her sins, When you're slow and sneaky, what else can Frustratum randium, Whatever your line of business, you do? Prostitutum contracoptum. Fitness wins. Turned a corner--whoop--there it is! Hand et fingum masturbatum,

We don't wanna mess with this chicken biz. Satisfactor relievium, 574 (Long Beach H3 drinks Down Downs from a Satisfactor relievium. Rap It Up! rubber chicken--F.B.) So we hid 'hind a Beemer till Spanks came 576 Rap. through, Sharp Operator She thinks she's the wiener, but we know the truth! The name of the 'hood is Rolling Hills Recitation. Here come the Hastas looking for, And while we're at it, let's get something straight, (Cheap) sheep thrills. There was a young lady who swallowed a EZ was early, tryin' to pay his dough, These girls in the hood all beat their mates. At the end there was plenty to hear and to see, Wilkerson Sword stainless steel razor blade. Dirty something had his rugrat in tow. Not only did she suffer a tonsilectomy, Pile Driver said he ran here from home, Fruit said "We don't circle jerk here in LBH3." I asked someone what we had missed, An appendectomy, Chum tried to get her husband to cum. And a hysterectomy, Riff Raff and Boobs were early this time, He said the good stuff went like this-- True trail ran by the Begonia Garden, But she castrated her husband, Said "If Tuna's the hare, gimme back my dime." Circumcised her lover, Tuna Taco announced, "A to A run," Where the fertilzer smelled like someone fartin'. Is Begonia related to Petunia Taco? Took two fingers off a casual acquaintance, There he goes, spoilin' Walkin' Small's fun. Gave the vicar a harelip, 577 What a sad day for Dave, condemned without I like girls, I like guys, I like sex, Street of the Thousand Assholes choice, Recited by three hashers. Together: Our threesome is gruesome though Recitation. To a life with no sex and a high squeaky voice. sensual, (Each hasher gives their role below in turn) Not knowing quite who to do next, On the street of a thousand assholes, But lucky for Dave, so he wouldn't feel a fool, I'm hetro, I'm homo, I'm a perv, To fulfill all our latent potential. 'Neath the sign of the swinging tit, Some bright spark suggested a bionic tool. Together: Three Hashers of quite different in- Hetero: Is life a bright flower simply there for Stood a beautiful Chinese maiden, A smart new electric one, made out of brass, tentions, the plucking? Her name was "Who Flung Shit". Though the batteries would have to be kept up I'm hetro, I'm homo, I'm a perv, Homo: Or a ripe juicy banana awaiting a suck- his arse. Together: Seeking sex in three different direc- ing? She stood in celestial splendor, tions. Pervert: I don't care what it is, I'm just here for Her eyes like pools of piss, So newly equipped and after a rest, Hetero: I love with a will girls from Sydney to the fucking, As she diddled herself with a candle, Dave thought he would put his new tool to the Dover, I'm hetro, I'm homo, I'm a perv. And stood in eternal bliss. test. Homo: I loved with a Will 'til Will said it was So finding a woman nearest and handy, over, 580 She thought of her friends on Bond Street, He filled her with drink to make her feel randy. Pervert: I loved with Will, Wilhelmina, Fred, Up Jumped the Monkey She thought of her friends on Bow, The girl without waiting put her hand on Dave's and Rover, She thought of the score, fly, I'm hetro, I'm homo, I'm a perv. Songmaster: She'd laid on the floor, And when she felt what was there gave a cry of 1 Up jumped the monkey from the coconut When in walked "One Hung Low". surprise. I'm hetro, I'm homo, I'm a perv, grove "That's my bionic chopper," he said, "now let's Together: As we search for this, that, or the (Pack repeats each line as with cadence.) "Fly into my arms thou bag of shit", have some fun." other, He said with his cock in hand, "Gor blimey," she said, "it feels like a gun." I'm hetro, I'm homo, I'm a perv, 2 He was a cool mother fucker you could tell "My love for thee will last like snow, Together: It's so strange, we're from the same from his clothes. On the desert sand". They both stripped of quick and he entered her mother. 3 He wore a two button Nanny with a six button fast, Hetero: I once fancied a Harriette brim full of stitch. She gently raised her starboard tit, Then he turned up the knob and gave her full beer, 4 He was a hot fuckin' cock suckin' son of a And scratched her itchy prat, blast. Homo: I once fancied our G.M., he had a nice bitch. Then she said with a half-assed grin, They clutched tight to eachother and Dave's rear, 5 Well he strode through the jungle with his "Go fuck your hat". dick shook some more, Pervert: I remember the fellow, but I used his prick in his hand. Anger overcame him, They shook of the bed and onto the floor. ear,I'm hetro, I'm homo, I'm a perv. 6 He said: "Look out women, I'm your bebop As he pissed upon the wall, man!" Cock in hand he fucked his hat, Now the pace hotted up and they started to I'm normal, Informal, Who knows? 7 Oh, he lined a hundred women up against the And tread on his one good ball. choke, Together: All for one, one for all, up your nose, wall. As the air in the room became filled with You can number us all amongst those, 8 He said: "Look out women, gonna fuck you Now on the street of a thousand assholes, smoke. Who give thanks for the age of permission. all!" 'Neath the sign of the pregnant cat, With a bang Dave's ballock flew into the air, Hetero: I once had a Harriette who was lovely to 9 Well he fucked ninety-eight till his balls They bore him away in splendor, And his other went bonkety-bonk down the lick, turned blue. The man who had fucked his hat. stairs. Homo: I once tried a Harriette, but she made me feel sick, 10 Backed off, jacked off, and fucked the other 578 So back to repairs went Dave, full of woe, Pervert: I once knew a Harriette who liked two. The Tale Of Poor Dave Was this how his sex life was destined to go? horses' dicks, Songmaster: Have you got a hard on? Recitation. A return to the doctor at the end of each shag, I'm hetro, I'm homo, I'm a perv. Pack: Not yet! With his prick in his pocket, and his balls in a Songmaster: Are you gonna get one? Pack: You Bet! It's rising no-o-ow. Now this is the tale of young Davie Bloor, bag? He's staid, They're depraved, He's the end, Together: Getting kicks in our different man- 581 Whose sexual equipment got jammed in the When I Was a Young Man But they fixed Dave up and made him manly ners, door. By the time they had freed him he didn't feel again, We're ourselves so why should we pretend? well, And they helped him with batteries and flex to We live and let live so why ban us? When I was a young man, For his poor private parts were all mangled to the main. Hetero: I once had an affair with a pretty Kath- I used to be so proud, hell. So if he can't get a girl, lucky Dave doesn't cry, leen, I had a cock so mighty, They rushed him to hospital, the ambulance 'Cause now he's AC/DC and can go with a guy! Homo: I'm not into royalty, but my lover's a I wanted to shout out loud. flew, queen, It never took a day off; But when they arrived, there were nowt they 579 Pervert: I had mine stuck in a vending machine, it was always there, could do. The Triangle I'm hetro, I'm homo, I'm a perv. And every morning when I shaved, It would stand and stare. Now I'm old and weary, At last poor Lil just had to stop, My pilot light's gone out, Yo' Mama don't wear no drawers . For Pete had nailed her to the spot. What used to be my sex appeal Ding dong. Here clothes were torn and ripped to shreds, Is now my water spout, I saw her when she took 'em all off. And scatters all over the cactus beds. Oh, I'm gray and wrinkled, Ding dong. And it sure gives me the blues, She threw them onto a fence. The sod was ripped for miles around, To see the thing hang down my leg Ding dong. Where poor Lil's ass had hit the ground, To watch me shine my shoes. And I ain't seen the neighbors since. But she died game I'm here to tell, Ding dong. Ding-dong-dinga dinga dong. Died with her boots on where she fell - Ding dong. Dinga-dinga-dong. So what the hell boys, what the hell! 582 Yo' Mama Yo' Mama don't wear no drawers. Ding dong. Lines rapped by the Songmaster and ding-dong I saw her when she took 'em all off. chorus lines by Pack. Ding dong. She threw 'em into the "head". Yo Mama don't wear no drawers. Ding dong. Ding dong. Now the tidy-bowl man is dead. I saw her when she took 'em all off. Ding dong. Ding-dong-dinga dinga dong. Ding dong. Ding-dong. Dinga-dinga-dong. She threw them into the sky. 583 Ding dong. Yukon Lil Now Superman, won't even fly. Ding dong. Ding. Dong. Ding-a-ding-a-dong. She was the best our camp produced, Ding. Dong. Ding-a-dinga-dong. And them that ain't been screwed by Lil, Ain't had no goose and never will, Yo Mama loves to pick her toes. For Lil's been took away. Ding dong. Green booger snots fall from her nose. 'Twas a standing bet around our town, Ding dong. That no one could screw her and clamp her Her belly is big and fat. down, Ding dong. For when she screwed, she screwed for keeps, How could anybody look like that?! And piled her victims up in heaps. Ding dong. Ding. Dong. Ding-a-ding-a-dong. Ding. Dong. Ding-a-dinga-dong. But down from the north came Yukon Pete, Yo Mama's got cum on her face. With sixteen pounds of rolling meat. Ding dong. When he laid his cock out on the bar, Sucks dicks all over the place. The damn thing reached from here to thar. Ding dong. She lines 'em up in a row. We all knew Lil had met her fate, Ding dong. But we couldn't back down that thar late, And she gives 'em a good old blow! So it was arranged down by the mil, Ding dong. Ding. Dong. Ding-a-ding-a-dong. Back of the schoolhouse on the hill. Ding. Dong. Ding-a-dinga-dong. When all the boys could get a seat, Yo Mama don't wear no rag. And watch that half-breed bury his meat, Ding dong. Lil started out like the Autumn breeze, 'Cuz she uses a burlap bag. Whistling through the hemlock trees. Ding dong. Her pussy is red and raw. She tried the twist and the double bunt, Ding dong. And all the tricks wha's known to cunt, 'Bout the grossest thing I ever saw. But Pete was with her every lick, Ding dong. Ding. Dong. Ding-a-ding-a-dong. And just kept reeling out more prick. Ding. Dong. Ding-a-dinga-dong. Write Your Own Lyrics Here Write Your Own Lyrics Here Write Your Own Lyrics Here

Global Trash

Hash Hymnal

Unabridged Edition

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