For Preview Only WHO KILLED ELVIS?

By Craig Sodaro

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For preview only WHO KILLED ELVIS?

By Craig Sodaro

cast of characters (In Order of Speaking)

MORTY ���������������������������������������������a small-time thief SHORTY �������������������������������������������his partner SARI �������������������������������������������������a high school student ANGIE ����������������������������������������������another NICK �������������������������������������������������another NORMAN ������������������������������������������another ALICE �����������������������������������������������a suburban housewife DANI �������������������������������������������������her teenage daughter HORACE ������������������������������������������Alice’s husband SMITHERS ���������������������������������������a ruthless banker RUTH ������������������������������������������������owner of Drop On Inn GERT ������������������������������������������������her mother PEEP ������������������������������������������������Ruth’s youngest daughter ROBIN ����������������������������������������������her middle daughter MEADOW �����������������������������������������her oldest daughter MARY SMART ����������������������������������host of “Entertainment Today” TV show NEIL ��������������������������������������������������her cameraman LOUELLA �����������������������������������������an old Elvis fan ZOE ��������������������������������������������������another MADAME LASKI ������������������������������a fortuneteller SEYMORE CRUNCH �����������������������an Elvis impersonator DOC ��������������������������������������������������another GRANNY ������������������������������������������an old Elvis fan TRACY ���������������������������������������������her granddaughter DARCY ���������������������������������������������another granddaughter MAX ��������������������������������������������������a thug DRACK ���������������������������������������������another

ii For preview only VOICE OF RADIO ANNOUNCER BETTY ����������������������������������������������police officer BERNICE �����������������������������������������her partner RALPH ���������������������������������������������a policeman MYRNA ���������������������������������������������Norman’s mom KAYE ������������������������������������������������Sari’s mom

Setting TIME: 2002, the 25th anniversary of Elvis’s death. PLACE: The Drop On Inn, a cafe and motel complex in Butter Bluff, a small Southern town. STAGE RIGHT leads to outside. STAGE LEFT leads to the kitchen and the rooms at the attached motel. There is a counter STAGE LEFT with a few stools and a small stage UP CENTER with drab curtain covering the upstage wall behind the stage. There are at least three tables (DOWN LEFT, DOWN CENTER and STAGE RIGHT) set with two or three chairs each. A few old posters and advertisements hang on the walls. There is a window STAGE RIGHT. Pay phone hangs on the STAGE RIGHT wall.

Synopsis of Scenes

ACT ONE Scene One: A sidewalk in Nashville. Played before the curtain. Scene Two: The Drop On Inn, several hours later. Scene Three: The same, that evening. Scene Four: The same, an hour or two later.

ACT TWO Scene One: The same. A half hour later. Scene Two: The same. The wee hours of the next morning. Scene Three: The same. Later that morning.

iii For preview only For previewiv only WHO KILLED ELVIS? ACT ONE Scene One AT RISE: A sidewalk in Nashville, 2002. Played before the curtain. GUNSHOTS are heard from OFF LEFT. SHORTY and MORTY race on left. SHORTY aims a gun (fake, of course) behind him LEFT. MORTY: You think this was a bright idea, Shorty? SHORTY: We’re gonna be rich, Morty! Rich! MORTY: (Holds up an envelope.) You think what’s in this envelope is gonna make us rich?! SHORTY: (Grabs the envelope.) You want everybody to see, for cryin’ out loud? You think those guys shootin’ at us work for the police? Not a chance. They want this as bad as we do! (Stuffs envelope in his pocket.) You bet it’s gonna make us rich! MORTY: Yeah, we’ll be able to afford real expensive funerals! SHORTY: (GUNSHOT from OFF LEFT. Fires back.) You know what the trouble with you is? You’re a chicken! MORTY: No! My trouble is I make a much bigger target than you! SHORTY: Then let’s boogie! MORTY: Where? SHORTY: Right where we’re supposed to meet our... client. Here! (Holds up a flier.) MORTY: (Glances at it.) You gotta be kiddin’! SHORTY: They’re gainin’! You with me? MORTY: Do I got a choice?! (GUNSHOTS from OFF LEFT. SHORTY drops flier, races OFF RIGHT, MORTY following. A moment later, SARI, NICK, ANGIE and NORMAN ENTER RIGHT.) SARI: (Glances RIGHT.) Goll! Somebody’s in a hurry! ANGIE: I thought I heard gunshots. NICK: Naw! That was a car backfiring. ANGIE: How do you know, Nick? NORMAN: He’s seen every James Bond movie there is. SARI: Great! Did James Bond ever rescue a prom? NICK: He’s always too busy saving the world. NORMAN: Ms. Luckless said she didn’t have a choice, guys. ANGIE: But she never even asked if she could rob us!

1 For preview only SARI: People usually don’t ask. ANGIE: I guess it wasn’t officially robbery, was it? NICK: She took our prom fund. SARI: But she had good reason. After all, the boiler conked out. NICK: So? Cold water never hurt anybody. ANGIE: She said the school board wouldn’t give her any money, and the prom fund was just the right amount. NICK: So we get stuck with the world’s worst prom. SARI: (Enthusiastic.) We can make it cool! NORMAN: Yeah, she said we can use the gym, and they’ve got streamers left over from some other dance. NICK: Yeah, the brown and gray cotillion of 1932. SARI: Brown and gray? ANGIE: She said the streamers were red and yellow. NICK: That’s how they started out. Guys! Everybody’s depending on their class officers to salvage the most important night of the year! NORMAN: Good. I’m glad somebody’s on top of it. NICK: Norman, we’re the class officers. ANGIE: And there’s nothing we can do. (NICK picks up flier.) SARI: I hate it when people litter, and I’m very proud of you, Nick, for picking up trash that isn’t yours. NICK: (Reading flier.) This is it! ANGIE: What are you talking about? NICK: The answer to our prom problem! (Stares at NORMAN.) NORMAN: (Nervous.) What’s wrong with you? NICK: (Walks around NORMAN.) Perfect! Absolutely perfect! NORMAN: You just get off a spaceship from planet weird, or what? NICK: We don’t have any plans for this weekend. NORMAN: Now I’m really scared! NICK: (Thinks.) We can use my car, but we’ve got to make one stop first! C’mon! SARI: Where? NICK: Crazy Acre Costumes! (Races OFF LEFT.) SARI: Nick! Who needs a costume? NORMAN: Why do I have a sudden sinking feeling in my stomach?

2 For preview only ANGIE: C’mon! That’s just the twelve burritos you ate for lunch. (SARI, NORMAN and ANGIE EXIT LEFT. A moment later, HORACE ENTERS LEFT carrying a suitcase.) ALICE: (Follows him ON with DANI.) Horace! You’re being silly! DANI: I can’t believe you’re doing this, Daddy! HORACE: A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do. ALICE: Sure! Defend his home and country! But this doesn’t exactly fall into that category. HORACE: No? A man must be true to himself, or who can he be true to? Good-bye, Alice! Good-bye, Dani! Wish me luck. (EXITS RIGHT.) DANI: Mom, what’s wrong with Daddy? ALICE: I never thought it’d happen to your father, but he’s having a mid-life crisis. DANI: What do we do? ALICE: Follow him so he doesn’t get lost along the way! (They EXIT RIGHT as LIGHTS DIM to BLACK.)

End of Scene One

Scene Two AT RISE: The Drop On Inn. RUTH sits at the counter working with a calculator. The counter is spread with papers and folders. GERT dances UP RIGHT, holding a fly swatter and listening to earphones. She swats a “fly” here and there. SMITHERS paces CENTER. SMITHERS: So, Mrs. Perelli— RUTH: Verelli. SMITHERS: Whatever. You can’t pay the bank what you owe? RUTH: I’ve been trying to make the numbers work, Mr. Smithers, but they just won’t cooperate. SMITHERS: I’m glad you see the light. RUTH: Actually, things look pretty dim. SMITHERS: Our conclusion exactly. RUTH: I’m sure you realize business has fallen off. People aren’t traveling like they used to, and I’ve got some major expenses. My daughter Robin is in her third year of college, and Meadowlark is starting this fall—

3 For preview only SMITHERS: Robin? Meadowlark? What are you running, a bird house? RUTH: And out youngest is named Peep. My husband and I met at a birdwatching convention. SMITHERS: I hate birds! But you know what I hate more than birds? Deadbeats! RUTH: I am not a deadbeat! I have been trying— SMITHERS: The insurance money from your husband’s death is all that kept you going, and it’s gone now, isn’t it, Mrs. Pachelli? RUTH: Verelli! SMITHERS: Whatever! RUTH: Yes, it’s gone. But perhaps we could renegotiate. SMITHERS: Do you think any bank in its right mind would invest in a dump like this? This place needs to be torn down and replaced by a— (GERT suddenly attacks SMITHERS with the fly swatter.) Stop that! What’re you doing? RUTH: Gert! Gert! (Subdues GERT.) SMITHERS: You keep her away from me, you hear? GERT: There’s nothin’ that’ll keep me away from anybody who says the Drop On Inn ought to be torn down! The king ate here! SMITHERS: What king? GERT: The only king America ever had, sonny, and don’t you ever forget it! SMITHERS: (To RUTH.) And this place isn’t the only thing that ought to go out to pasture. RUTH: Mr. Smithers! My mother is as spry as a woman half her age! SMITHERS: A woman half her age changed Abe Lincoln’s diapers! GERT: And I’m not hard of hearing, either. SMITHERS: But you talk nonsense. GERT: You’re just hard of listenin’, buster! Nobody’s gonna tear down the Drop On Inn ’cause the king dropped in one day back in 1955. RUTH: Look, Mr. Smithers, with interest rates falling the way they are, maybe we could refinance and have smaller monthly payments. SMITHERS: With your track record, the best rate you could get would be eleven percent. RUTH: But our original loan was six and a half.

4 For preview only GERT: (Thinks back. Dreamy.) I was washing the window there when I saw a big pink car—a Cadillac, I think it was—clunk to a stop out there just under our sign. SMITHERS: (Continues conversation with RUTH, totally ignoring GERT.) I’ll tell you what I’ll do, Mrs. Perilli. RUTH: Verelli. SMITHERS: Whatever. The Butter Bluff Savings and Loan has authorized me to make you an offer. GERT: (Continues anyway, lost in her memory.) It was a windy, dusty day, and a big cloud of dirt swirled around that car so it almost disappeared. But then, through all that, here comes the king, stridin’ toward the door like a... a... king! RUTH: What kind of offer? SMITHERS: We’ll give you $10,000 for the whole place. RUTH: $10,000? But it’s worth more than that! SMITHERS: (Reaches into his pocket.) Not according to our analysis. I’ve got the breakdown here. RUTH: I don’t want to see your breakdown! GERT: (Dreamy.) He walked in right here and said, “Ma’am, my car’s broken down. May I use your phone?” (Motions RIGHT toward phone.) And this is the phone he used. Cost a nickel back then to make a call. SMITHERS: This is our only offer, Mrs. Picallili. RUTH: Verelli! SMITHERS: Whatever. That’s as high as the bank’s willing to go. RUTH: I suppose you have someone waiting to jump in and put up a 24-hour convenience store. SMITHERS: Absolutely not. Yet. But we’re working on it. GERT: And then while he was waitin’ for Mort Jenkin’s tow truck, he sat right here and ordered a burger. An all-American with fries. I cooked it for him myself! RUTH: How long do I have, Mr. Smithers? SMITHERS: Well, now, you’re two months overdue on your payments, so we can give you ’til... Tuesday. RUTH: Tuesday?! GERT: He ate every bite of that burger and then told me it was the best he’d ever tasted. Oh, he was a real gentleman. And so handsome I could have just melted lookin’ into his beautiful blue eyes.

5 For preview only RUTH: All right, Mr. Smithers. I’ve been saving money for a rainy day... our tip money... and today’s about as rainy as it gets. (Moves to cookie jar and opens it.) I got $429 in here. (Feels inside. The jar’s empty.) Wait a second! Wait a second! Gert! Where’s the tip money? GERT: (To SMITHERS.) Yes, sir, the king ate here, and don’t you forget it! RUTH: Gert! Where’s the tip money? GERT: Search me! RUTH: It was here just a couple of days ago! SMITHERS: I guess I’ll have to instruct our foreclosure department to begin proceedings. RUTH: But I’ve been robbed! GERT: I’ll call the sheriff! SMITHERS: Personally, I think you’re all crazy and shouldn’t be running any kind of a business. This place did okay when there was a man around the house, but— RUTH: (Angry.) You go on and get out of here! Right now! And take your projections with you, Mr. Dithers. SMITHERS: Smithers! RUTH: Whatever! (Throws folders at SMITHERS, who is moving RIGHT as ROBIN, MEADOW and PEEP ENTER RIGHT, carrying posters, decorations, etc.) SMITHERS: You’re crazy! All of you! (Races OFF RIGHT.) PEEP: Another happy customer? ROBIN: Peep! Who was that, Mom? RUTH: He was from the bank. MEADOW: Uh-oh. RUTH: Uh-oh is right. GERT: He wants to tear the Drop On Inn down! Can you imagine? RUTH: And that’s exactly what’s going to happen Tuesday. ROBIN: What?! RUTH: Look, girls, I’ve tried to keep things running just the way your father did, but it’s time for me to face facts. I’m just not cut out for running a business like this. I haven’t paid the mortgage for two months, and the worst thing of all is that we’ve been robbed! PEEP: Robbed?

6 For preview only GERT: Sticky fingers in the cookie jar! MEADOW: (Nervous.) The tip money? PEEP: (Ashamed.) We didn’t think you’d look in there. ROBIN: (Admonishing.) Peep! RUTH: What do you know about this? ROBIN: Mom, it’s all for a good cause. RUTH: You took the tip money? MEADOW/PEEP: (Points at ROBIN.) She did! RUTH: Why?! MARY: (ENTERS RIGHT with NEIL, who is filming her as she ENTERS.) Here we are, folks, at Elvis Ate Here, and you can see it’s the calm before the storm! It doesn’t look like much, but Elvis look-alikes and wannabes will be descending on this sacred shrine in the time it takes for a commercial break! NEIL: Cut! ROBIN: Mary Smart! MEADOW: From “Entertainment Today”! MARY: So you know who I am. Who are you? PEEP: You’re a lot shorter in person. MARY: So are you, pipsqueak! ROBIN: That’s Peep. And I’m Robin. This is Meadow, our mom Ruth, and our grandma, Gert. GERT: You call me Gert. Grandma makes me feel old. MARY: (Awestruck.) So you’re the one! GERT: The one what? MARY: You’re the one who served him. RUTH: Would someone please tell me what’s going on here? ROBIN: It’s all your fault, Mom. RUTH: I knew that a long time ago. I knew I should have let you have your pacifier any time you wanted it! ROBIN: I mean, you sent me to college. RUTH: What have you done, Robin? ROBIN: I learned that in today’s competitive market, you’ve got to build on your strengths. Find that one special thing—your business niche. Drop On Inn doesn’t even have a dent, let alone a business niche.

7 For preview only I mean, they might as well put up a convenience store on this corner. RUTH: You’ve been talking to the bank, haven’t you? MEADOW: But wait! ROBIN: Mom, you don’t realize that this place is a shrine! RUTH: Robin, Lourdes is a shrine. The Washington Monument is a shrine. Mt. Rushmore is a shrine. This is a café. MARY: I think she’s missing the whole point. ROBIN: (Moves to curtain BEHIND STAGE.) Really, Mom, build on your strengths! Here’s your niche! (Pulls curtain aside to reveal a glittering sign reading “Elvis Ate Here.”) ALL: (Except RUTH.) Elvis Ate Here! RUTH: So? MARY: So? My dear woman! Elvis is hot! He’s hotter than ever! The man’s never cooled down! If he put his gorgeous lips around one of your hamburgers here, then you’ve got to proclaim that to the world. (To NEIL.) Neil, that’s good. Write that down. RUTH: So you spent our tip money on this sign? ROBIN: (Points out window RIGHT.) And that one out there! RUTH: (Moves RIGHT.) You changed the name of this place? ROBIN: It’s going to attract customers, Mom! They’ll be flocking in here like flies. RUTH: Just what we need. More flies. (GERT swats a “fly.”) ROBIN: Trust me, Mom. “Elvis Ate Here” is a great name! RUTH: It’s not going to mean a thing. LOUELLA: (ENTERS RIGHT with ZOE.) Oh, Zoe, isn’t this charming? ZOE: We saw your sign out there. Did he really eat here? GERT: Right at this table! LOUELLA: Oh, oh... may we... sit at this table. GERT: Five dollar surcharge. ZOE: I’d pay ten to sit in his chair. GERT: Help yourself. (LOUELLA and ZOE sit.) MEADOW: (Takes a menu out of her bag.) Here you go, ladies. Our new menu! RUTH: (Bewildered.) New menu? LOUELLA: A Heartbreak Hoagie? Isn’t that cute?

8 For preview only ZOE: And Love Me Chicken Tenders! LOUELLA: I think I’ll have an All Shook Up Shake. RUTH: An All Shook Up Shake? PEEP: Wait ’til you try the Viva Las Pasta. MARY: You ladies here for the Elvis impersonation contest? LOUELLA: (Thrilled.) Here?! When? ZOE: Of course we’ll stay! Where can we stay? ROBIN: We have a lovely motel in back, and I think we’ve got one room left. MARY: One room? We’re going to need two! MEADOW: Don’t worry. We already have your reservation. MARY: I hope so! I’m giving you a million dollars worth of publicity, toots! LOUELLA: Isn’t that Mary Smart? ROBIN: “Entertainment Today” is covering the contest. RUTH: What contest? ROBIN: (Holds up a flier.) Our Elvis impersonation contest in honor of the 25th anniversary of the king’s death. GERT/LOUELLA/ZOE: Amen! ROBIN: Now be a peach, Mom, and show Ms. Smart and her cameraman to their rooms. We’ve put them in Blue Hawaii and Viva Las Vegas. RUTH: Whatever happened to room numbers? MADAME: (ENTERS RIGHT as RUTH moves RIGHT. Worried.) My dear friend Ruth! I must speak with you! RUTH: What’s wrong, Madame Laski? MADAME: The cards! The cards! ROBIN: I’ll show you to your rooms, Ms. Smart. Looks like somebody’s going to bend Mom’s ear. MARY: Break it off looks more like it! (ROBIN leads MARY and NEIL OFF LEFT.) RUTH: Can I get you something? MADAME: Tea. Hot tea. RUTH: Peep, would you bring Madame Laski some tea? (PEEP EXITS LEFT.) MADAME: My heart, my heart!

9 For preview only GERT: You’d better sit. You look like you been stickin’ pins in your own voodoo doll. MADAME: Silence! (To RUTH.) I debated about coming here, but then I thought if friends can’t tell you, then who can you depend on, right? RUTH: Tell me what? MADAME: The cards say death! GERT: (Incredulous.) Death? You just kill me! MADAME: That’s right! (PEEP RE-ENTERS LEFT and brings a cup of tea to the table.) RUTH: Whose death? MADAME: The king’s! GERT: Madame Laski, I hate to break it to you, but Elvis died in 1977. MADAME: I know what I know, and I know the cards said death to the king! RUTH: You couldn’t have misread the cards? I mean... at our ages, our eyesight sometimes gets a little fuzzy when we’re trying to read things. MADAME: I had laser surgery last summer, remember? RUTH: Twenty-twenty? MADAME: Twenty-twenty! GERT: Maybe you’re losing your touch. MADAME: I am not losing my touch! Elvis will die! RUTH: But, Madame, Elvis isn’t even here! GERT: That was a long time ago. RUTH: A long, long, long, long, long time ago! GERT: It wasn’t that long! (Moves to counter, dreamy.) 1955, while Elvis was touring with Hank Snow and the regulars from the Hayride Show. He was just a teenager then. (Sets fly swatter on the counter.) RUTH: And I hate to say it, but he’s long gone. (SEYMORE and DOC ENTER RIGHT, both dressed as Elvis, singing a terrible rendition of an Elvis song.) MADAME: Long gone, eh? SHORTY: (ENTERS with MORTY, both dressed as Elvis.) Say hi to the king! MORTY: Hi, King! SHORTY: My pleasure!

10 For preview only MADAME: So many Elvises! (HORACE ENTERS RIGHT, dressed like Elvis and singing an Elvis song.) LOUELLA: Zoe, I’ve died and gone to heaven! ZOE: Every man in this place is Elvis! (LOUELLA and ZOE squeal like schoolgirls.) SARI: (ENTERS RIGHT with ANGIE.) And now, the one and only— ANGIE: Elvis Presley! (Nick pushes NORMAN ON RIGHT.) NORMAN: (Shy.) Hi! RUTH: They’re crawling out of the woodwork! MEADOW: Robin! Robin! Get in here! SARI: This is where the Elvis impersonation contest is being held, isn’t it? ANGIE: The one with the $500 first prize? RUTH: Five hundred dollars? MEADOW: You want to make money, you’ve got to spend money, Mother! RUTH: Your sister’s brainwashed you! GRANNY: (ENTERS RIGHT with TRACY and DARCY.) Oh, girls! Look! I do believe I’ve died and gone to Graceland! TRACY: Granny, remember your heart. Breathe deep and slow! GRANNY: Honey, I’m havin’ trouble breathin’ at all. DARCY: Oh, Tracy, can you believe we’re here? TRACY: Right where the king ate! DARCY: (Looks around on floor.) I wonder if he left any crumbs. ROBIN: (ENTERS LEFT.) Contestants! We’re going to register you out this way... RUTH: Robin, what’s this about a $500 prize? ROBIN: You’ve got to spend money to make money! RUTH: Don’t they teach you anything in college aside from old clichés? (ROBIN leads SEYMORE, DOC, NORMAN, SHORTY, MORTY and HORACE OFF LEFT.) SARI: Gosh, some of those guys look really good. ANGIE: I know. Do you think Norman has a chance? NICK: He would if the other ones all got bumped off. RUTH: Who’s getting bumped off? NICK: Just an expression, ma’am.

11 For preview only ALICE: (ENTERS with DANI.) Hello, my name is Alice, and this is my daughter Dani. GERT: Welcome to Elvis Ate Here. May I show you to a table? ALICE: Actually, we’re looking for someone dressed like Elvis. DANI: Have you seen a stray Elivs around? RUTH: Sit down and take a number. ALICE: (To DANI.) So he’s here! DANI: I am so embarrassed, Mother. ALICE: It’s all right, dear, your father’s just going through a stage, that’s all. It’s like when a baby is teething. DANI: But Daddy’s got all his teeth. ALICE: At least this is a whole lot cheaper than buying a Porsche like some men do. MADAME: But so much more dangerous! DANI: What are you talking about? MADAME: Even the tea leaves say death. GRANNY: Who’s dead? GERT: Don’t mind her. She’s just a crepe hanger who was on her way out. RUTH: I’ll walk you back to your room, Madame. MEADOW: We can hold down the fort, Mom. (RUTH and MADAME EXIT LEFT.) PEEP: (To SARI and ANGIE.) Would you like to see a menu? SARI: Sure! ANGIE: Look, Sari! They’ve got Blue Moon Over Kentucky Fried Chicken on the menu. (PHONE RINGS.) PEEP: (Answers phone. Speaks with pauses between sentences.) Hello, Elvis Ate Here. Yeah, he really did. My mother? She’s gone right now. Yes, okay, that would be Robin. (Calls to her.) Robin! ROBIN: (ENTERS LEFT.) What is it, Peep? PEEP: The sheriff’s on the phone! ROBIN: What would she want? PEEP: She says I’m too young to know. ROBIN: (Takes phone.) Hello, Sheriff? (Mimes conversation under the following dialogue.) PEEP: So, what do you ladies want?

12 For preview only NICK: These aren’t ladies. SARI: Nick! ANGIE: I’m insulted. NICK: This is Sari and Angie. And I’m Nick. And our friend Norman’s going to win the impersonation contest because we need the money for prom. SARI: Do you know the judge? PEEP: Sure. It’s Gert. She knew Elvis. ANGIE: Wow! Well, put in a good word for us. I’m going to have the Help Me Make It Through the Fries. SARI: And I’ll have the Jailhouse Grits. NICK: Make mine the I Need Your Nachos Tonight. PEEP: Comin’ right up! ROBIN: (Hangs up.) Meadow! Peep! C’mere! (She, MEADOW and PEEP group DOWN CENTER.) ROBIN: The sheriff just told me that she had word some mobsters were in town. She said to be on the lookout for anybody who’s suspicious and to let her know if we see anybody. MEADOW: You mean more suspicious than bad Elvis impersonators? ROBIN: You got it! (MAX and DRACK ENTER RIGHT, wearing trench coats and fedoras.) PEEP: You mean, like them? MAX: Hey! Who runs this place? DRACK: We don’t like to be kept waitin’! (CURTAIN.)

End of Scene Two

Scene Three AT RISE: The same, that evening before the contest. ROBIN, MEADOW and PEEP are ONSTAGE, putting decorations and tablecloths on the tables. The radio is on. VOICE OF RADIO ANNOUNCER: And if you’re looking for something special to do tonight, head out to Elvis Ate Here, the old Drop On Inn where Elvis still lives! Impersonators will surely entertain you, and their new menu is a hoot and a half! Rumor has it Mary Smart from “Entertainment Today” is covering the action. Looks like Butter Bluff’s going to get on the map after all! And now, just for our friends at Elvis Ate Here, here’s the king singing— (A couple bars of an Elvis SONG PLAYS, then FADES into the background.)

13 For preview only ROBIN: This is working out even better than I thought it would! MEADOW: Yeah! The cash register’s already bulging, and we haven’t even had the contest yet! PEEP: Boy, I sure wish I were in college. ROBIN: Why? PEEP: ’Cause they got great ideas on how to make money. ROBIN: I think we just got lucky, like with Mary Smart here and all. (MARY ENTERS LEFT, unseen by the GIRLS.) MEADOW: She sure looks a lot older than I thought. PEEP: Yeah, she’s at least thirty. MARY: I haven’t seen thirty for a decade, doll face. You redeemed your sister. ROBIN: Are you finding your room comfortable? MARY: It’s not the Ritz, but it’s better than Bosnia. MEADOW: I don’t think that was a compliment. MARY: Neil! Let’s go on outside and try a shot by the new sign. NEIL: (ENTERS LEFT with camera.) We’d better watch it, though. The sign-maker goofed, and it looks like there’s a neon booger coming out of Elvis’s nose. MARY: How do you propose to cover that up? NEIL: I’ll set you up right under Elvis. MARY: Great, so I look like I’m coming out of his nose! (EXITS RIGHT, followed by Neil.) DRACK: (ENTERS RIGHT with MAX.) Hey, Max! MAX: What, Drack? DRACK: Ain’t that— MAX: I thought so, too. DRACK: Mary Smart from TV. MAX: Oh, I thought you meant Sadie the Slayer. DRACK: Naw! We took care of her, remember? MAX: Yeah! How could I forget? ROBIN: Back so soon? DRACK: We want the best seats in the house. MAX: How about this one? MEADOW: That was the seat Elvis sat in.

14 For preview only DRACK: Made him lucky, it’ll make us lucky. PEEP: Costs ten bucks more. MAX: Says who? GERT: (ENTERS, all dressed up.) Says me! DRACK: If it ain’t Whistler’s Mother. MAX: What’re you doin’ outta your rockin’ chair? GERT: Go on ’n’ get! That seat’s reserved. MAX: For who? GERT: A true fan who paid me fifteen bucks. DRACK: Possession’s nine tenths of the law. GERT: (Retrieves fly swatter from counter.)And here’s the other tenth! (Swats him over the head with the fly swatter.) DRACK: Hey! Cut that out! MAX: What’re you doin’?! ROBIN: Gert! Gert! GERT: (Wields fly swatter.) You go on ’n’ get another seat ’fore I flatten that conehead of yours! MEADOW: Gert, take it easy. You’re no spring chicken. GERT: (Glares at DRACK.) But I still know a dumb cluck when I see one! (MAX and DRACK move to another table.) DRACK: You ain’t gettin’ away with this, lady. MAX: It’s discriminatory, and we’re gonna sue. GERT: You and what army? SMITHERS: (ENTERS RIGHT.) So, your mother thinks she’s real clever, huh? ROBIN: I beg your pardon? GERT: What is this, Night of the Living Dweebs? MEADOW: You’re from the bank, aren’t you? SMITHERS: Sherman Smithers, at your service. (PEEP kicks him in the shins. He screams.) ROBIN: Peep! SMITHERS: If that’s the way you do business, it’s no wonder you’re going under. MEADOW: Not after tonight. SMITHERS: We’ll see about that!

15 For preview only GERT: Sounds like a threat, mister. And we don’t cotton kindly to threats. (SMITHERS sits as RUTH ENTERS LEFT. She’s all dressed up.) ROBIN: Mom! You look great! RUTH: I thought I ought to look halfway decent if I’m going to be on national TV. Where’s that Mary Smart hiding? PEEP: Outside under Elvis’s nose. MADAME: (ENTERS LEFT.) My dear friend Ruth, tonight is the night! ROBIN: We’re putting Elvis Ate Here on the map. MADAME: But tonight the cards say death, death, death! ROBIN: You’ve been reading too much “Macbeth.” RUTH: Madame, come sit down and enjoy the show. I’m sure it’ll be a lot of fun, and nobody will die. PEEP: That’s one scary lady. ROBIN: She’s harmless. MEADOW: (Looks around the room suspiciously.) But is everybody else? GRANNY: (ENTERS RIGHT with TRACY and DARCY.) Oh, nobody’s sitting in his seat. Gert! Thank you! Thank you! GERT: You just pop your hiney in that seat and feel the electricity. Still charged up after 50 years! (GRANNY sits gingerly in chair.) TRACY: How does it feel, Granny? GRANNY: All tingly! Haven’t felt like this since I rode in a rumble seat with Barton Lewis III. DARCY: I wonder if I’ll remember all my boyfriends when I’m a granny. TRACY: What boyfriends? How about him over there? (Points toward DRACK.) DARCY: He’s uglier than a mud fence. GRANNY: But somethin’ tells me he knows how to make a buck or two. DARCY: Not like Elvis could. Why don’t they make ’em like the king any more? TRACY: (Dreamy.) King’s aren’t made, Darcy. They’re born. ALICE: (ENTERS LEFT with DANI.) I guess they’re getting ready, Dani. DANI: Do you think it will work? ALICE: All we can do is try. (Moves to RUTH.) Excuse me?

16 For preview only RUTH: Can I help you find a seat? ALICE: Not exactly. RUTH: What can I do for you? DANI: We don’t want our Elvis to win. ALICE: (Motions to HORACE.) That’s my husband Horace. And this is our daughter, Dani. RUTH: But $500— ALICE: Here, I’ve brought along our entire savings. I’m giving you every cent so my husband doesn’t win this contest! RUTH: I don’t understand. DANI: If he wins this one, he’ll enter another, then another, and pretty soon at school the kids will all be laughing because I’ll be the spawn of an Elvis impersonator! RUTH: Oh, dear... ALICE: That’s a terrible cloud for a teenager to have to live under. RUTH: But just think about all the entertainment he can bring to your parties— (DANI bursts into tears.) ALICE: Please! Take the money! Make sure he doesn’t win! It’s the only thing I’ll ever ask of you. Please! RUTH: But that wouldn’t be right. ALICE: Oh, but it’s all right to destroy a teenager? RUTH: What are your husband’s chances of winning? ALICE: You’ve never seen hips swivel until you’ve seen Horace’s swivel. DANI: Mother, that is so gross I could die! MADAME: You see what I mean about death? RUTH: Madame Laski, the girl’s just embarrassed. MADAME: Embarrassed to death! LOUELLA: (ENTERS RIGHT with ZOE.) Can’t you just feel the excitement? ZOE: Elvis! Elvis! Elvis! LOUELLA: I feel like a girl of sixteen again! GERT: That was just the age I was when he stepped in here. ZOE: Tell us about it! (ROBIN steps on stage as MARY and NEIL ENTER RIGHT. NEIL aims camera at GERT.)

17 For preview only GERT: (Moves to counter, puts fly swatter down. Dreamy.) It was a dusty, windy day, and I was washing that window there. (Motions RIGHT.) Out of nowhere a pink Cadillac came to a stop near the sign. And out of a cloud of dust, he appeared. He was tall and walked purposefully toward the door. He stepped inside and said—and I’ll never forget his words as long as I live— “Can I use your phone? Something’s wrong with my car!” (A ROLL OF DRUMS.) ROBIN: And now, here he is again, back for an encore... I give you Elvis! (An Elvis SONG comes up, then under as SEYMORE, DOC, SHORTY, MORTY, NORMAN and HORACE ENTER LEFT. They form a line behind Robin. ALL in AUDIENCE clap.) Now remember, in the contest, you only get three lines to lip-sync, so make it good, gentlemen! (The ELVISES prepare themselves for performance. [See PRODUCTION NOTES.]) Our first Elvis will present his rendition of (choose your own Elvis song). (SEYMORE lip-syncs to the Elvis song, doing a very poor imitation. During the number, MEADOW and PEEP take orders and serve food. At the end of three lines, the AUDIENCE claps.) And now, our second Elvis will perform (choose your own Elvis song). (HORACE presents an awful rendition of the first three lines of the song. ALICE and DANI are mortified.) And now, Elvis number three will sing (choose your own Elvis song). (NORMAN does a credible job of swiveling his hips and lip-syncing the song. SARI and ANGIE stand in the audience and direct him in his moves. Just as the three lines come to an end, LIGHTS BLACKOUT.) LOUELLA: What’s going on?! ZOE: We can’t see a thing! MAX: What’s the big idea?! GRANNY: I’m scared, girls! RUTH: I’ll get a flashlight. (Goes to counter.) MARY: People, I’ve got a show to do, and I need light to do it! MEADOW: Peep, where are you? ROBIN: Everyone, just stay still! (A GUNSHOT is heard.) MEADOW: What was that? GERT: Somebody’s jalopy backfired. ROBIN: That came from the stage! SMITHERS: Turn on some lights! (The LIGHTS COME UP suddenly.) RUTH: (Holds flashlight.) Here we are! ROBIN: It’s okay. Everything’s back to normal.

18 For preview only LOUELLA: No! No! Look! ZOE: Elvis is dead! (Screams from the CROWD as all see SEYMORE on the floor DOWN CENTER. DOC approaches cautiously.) SMITHERS: Hey, you! What are you doing? DOC: It’s all right, I’m a doctor. GRANNY: (Dreamy.) Remind me to get his office number, girls!(DOC kneels next to SEYMORE.) RUTH: Doctor, is he really... really— DOC: He’s really, really dead. MAX: C’mon, Drack. DRACK: We got better things to do. GERT: Nobody’s goin’ anywhere ’til the cops get here. We gotta find out who killed Elvis! (CURTAIN.)

End of Scene Three

Scene Four AT RISE: The same, several hours later. BERNICE is wrapping crime scene tape around the stage area, every inch of it. SHERIFF BETTY stands down right. RUTH and ROBIN sit at a table down left. SEYMORE’S body has been removed from the scene. BETTY: So, the lights went out. RUTH: We’ve told you that a thousand times, Sheriff Betty. BETTY: Look, now that the coroner has the corpus delecti and we have the preliminaries out of the way, we got all the time in the world to chat. So, humor me and tell me again. I’m a slow learner. BERNICE: She was last in her class at police academy. BETTY: (Angry. To RUTH and ROBIN.) In customer relations! But I was first in interrogation, arrest procedure and target practice. Got that? ROBIN: Yes. BETTY: Yes, what? ROBIN: Yes, ma’am? BETTY: That’s better. Now, the question is, did the lights go out accidentally and the killer took advantage of the moment, or did the killer pull the plug on the lights to cover his moves? RUTH: Since the fuse box is in the storeroom out back, it seems the lights going out was just a coincidence.

19 For preview only BERNICE: Uh-oh! Sheriff Betty doesn’t believe in coincidences. RUTH: (Weak.) It was just a thought. BETTY: And a lousy one. There aren’t any coincidences, Mrs. Verelli. This was a carefully planned and executed crime. RUTH: But why? Why kill Elvis? ROBIN: We didn’t even know who he was. RUTH: Except for his name. Seymore Crunch. BETTY: You know any Crunches, Bernice? BERNICE: No, Sheriff Betty. I don’t have a hunch about a Crunch. Haven’t been any Crunches in Butter Bluff for a hundred years. BETTY: Then this is a job for Nosey NID. RUTH: Who’s Nosey NID? BERNICE: NID is an anacronism. BETTY: Acronym, Bernice! Acronym! BERNICE: I’m always getting confused. ROBIN: What does it stand for? BETTY: National Identification Database. BETTY: (Into walkie talkie.) Sheriff Betty here. Sheriff Betty here. Come in. Come in, Ralph. Ralph, where in tarnation are you? RALPH’S VOICE: (As if through walkie talkie. [See PRODUCTION NOTES.]) Right here, Sheriff. I was in the bathroom. BETTY: We got a murder here, Ralph! RALPH’S VOICE: I know that, Sheriff Betty, but when you gotta go, you gotta go. BETTY: Just stop drinking those Big Gulps, all right? RALPH’S VOICE: You got it, Chief. BETTY: And don’t call me Chief! RALPH’S VOICE: Anything you say. Now what can I do for you, Chief? BETTY: Why didn’t I hire somebody else as a dispatcher? RALPH’S VOICE: ’Cause nobody else applied. BETTY: Nobody could do a better job than you, Ralph. RALPH’S VOICE: Chief, I’m just waitin’ for the chance to prove myself! All my life I wanted to be a real live hero. Just like Superman or Batman or Spiderman! BETTY: Put the comics away and run the name of our victim through Nosey NID.

20 For preview only RALPH’S VOICE: Right! What’s the name? BETTY: Seymore Crunch. RALPH’S VOICE: Is that Crunch with a K or a C? ROBIN: C. RALPH’S VOICE: Got it! And here we go, Chief! BETTY: I told you— BETTY/RALPH/BERNICE: Don’t call me Chief! RALPH’S VOICE: Seymore Crunch, born in Seattle in 1978… graduated from Pocahontas High... member of chess team, swing choir... track and field... hmmm... still holds state record for high jump... BETTY: Ralph! I don’t need his high school record. RALPH’S VOICE: SAT scores? BETTY: Just the good stuff, Ralph! RALPH’S VOICE: All right, all right. Currently employed as a guard at the Rock ’n’ Roll Museum in Nashville. BETTY: I recently heard something about the Rock ’n’ Roll Museum. ROBIN: So have I! (Moves to counter to find newspaper.) RALPH’S VOICE: Lived alone. No pets. Drove a 1993 Toyota Tercell. No scrapes with the law. Not even a parking ticket. Owns a condo... kept up on payments... BETTY: How about credit card debt? RALPH’S VOICE: $28.65. But here’s something suspicious... BETTY: Ah ha! RALPH’S VOICE: Owns 267 Elvis Presley albums and 70 pieces of Elvis Presley memorabilia including a Styrofoam cup reputedly used by Elvis right before his Blue Hawaii concert. BETTY: Thanks, Ralph. RALPH’S VOICE: Any time. And don’t forget to bring the doughnuts. BETTY: Right. RALPH’S VOICE: And what do I want on mine? BERNICE: Sprinkles. RALPH’S VOICE: You didn’t forget! You do like me! (BETTY snaps off her walkie talkie as ROBIN moves to her with the newspaper.) ROBIN: (Reads.) “The head of the Rock ’n’ Roll Museum is poised to make an important announcement concerning one of the most

21 For preview only valuable acquisitions in the last several years. He said scientists have been working with the museum to determine—” BETTY: Okay, okay, we don’t need a science lesson. ROBIN: Maybe Mr. Crunch stole the artifact. RUTH: But then who killed him? BETTY: A partner. BERNICE: It’s always the partner. RUTH: But he came alone. ROBIN: No, wait a second. He came in with Doc. BETTY: Go find this... Doc.(ROBIN EXITS LEFT.) So you’ve changed the name of the place. Elvis Ate Here. I like that. Catchy. Nobody’ll be able to resist stoppin’ here. Drop On Inn was a bit old fashioned, right, Bernice? BERNICE: Quaint. BETTY: Nobody does quaint any more. That why your business was goin’ downhill? RUTH: We weren’t going downhill. BETTY: Oh, no? You missed two months mortgage payments! RUTH: Well, we were a bit behind. BETTY: So you were working with this Seymore Crunch to get a little extra cash. What did he swipe for you? RUTH: Sheriff Betty, I never saw that man until tonight! BETTY: That’s what they all say. (ROBIN ENTERS LEFT, followed by DOC.) So this is Doc. Doc what? DOC: Doctor Phineas Phlagg. BETTY: All right, Doctor Phineas Phlagg. Have a seat. (DOC sits at table. BETTY takes out flashlight and shines it in DOC’S face.) DOC: Do you mind? BETTY: Yeah, I mind. DOC: That light’s hurting my eyes. BETTY: Not as much as that bullet you pumped into Mr. Crunch. DOC: I didn’t pump any bullet into anybody! BETTY: Oh, no? We got reliable witnesses here who said you two were best buddies. DOC: I... I never saw Mr. Crunch until we arrived here today and happened to walk in together.

22 For preview only BETTY: That so? DOC: I swear! BETTY: You never met him ’til he stepped out of his 1993 Toyota Tercell. DOC: He didn’t step out of a Toyota Tercell. He stepped out of a vintage pink Cadillac. I think it’s from the 50s. BETTY: Bernice, check on that. BERNICE: Right away, Sheriff Betty. (EXITS RIGHT.) BETTY: So you’re not from Nashville? DOC: I’m from New York City. BETTY: You don’t work for the Rock ’n’ Roll Museum? DOC: I’m a private consultant. BETTY: What do you consult? DOC: I specialize in genetics. BETTY: Just one more question. Do your clients know you dress like this? DOC: Elvis is a hobby! And if you were in my line of work, you’d need a hobby, too. (EXITS LEFT, angry, as MARY SMART and NEIL ENTER LEFT.) MARY: I’m not used to being kept in the dark! BETTY: Who are you, Little Mary Sunshine? NEIL: This is Mary Smart. BETTY: You say that like I should know her... you a relative of George Washington? ROBIN: Ms. Smart hosts the nationally syndicated television show, “Entertainment Today.” BETTY: Never heard of it. MARY: What rock do you live under? BETTY: Some of us don’t have time to sit at home like couch-potatoes watching vaporous chit-chat shows promoting new movies. Some of us are trying to keep the world safe. MARY: Neil, let’s get a camera on this dame. She’s quite the character. NEIL: Right, Mary. (Aims camera at BETTY.) BETTY: We are the very people trying to protect your right to make and promote the trash that kids see today. But it wasn’t always trash. There used to be movies that transcended the banal... that reached for new heights.

23 For preview only MARY: Really? Which? BETTY: Jerry Lewis movies, that’s which! “The Nutty Professor,” “Geisha Boy,” “Cinderfella” and my all time favorite, “Scared Stiff.” They hold the meaning of life, lady... and don’t you forget it. But this isn’t about me. It’s about murder. The murder of a guy named Seymore Crunch, right here at Elvis Ate Here. And funny, but Crunch was dressed like Elvis when somebody pumped a bullet into him. Maybe that somebody was you, Mary Smart. MARY: Me? Why would I want to kill somebody I didn’t know? (NEIL aims the camera at MARY.) BETTY: What’s it all about, Mary Smart? MARY: What’s what all about? BETTY: It! The big it! Ratings, right? MARY: Of course, we’re concerned with ratings. BETTY: Concerned? You live for ratings. You check your ratings three, four times a day. More often than a nerd checks his e-mail. MARY: But what does that have to do with murder? BETTY: This kind of story catches the viewer’s interest, doesn’t it? Why would a big name star like you come to some little town like Butter Bluff? MARY: To do a tie-in Elvis story for the 25th anniversary of his death. Robin contacted us and gave us a new angle. Everybody will be at Graceland, so we decided to visit the place where Elvis ate a burger. It’s down home, it’s touching, it’s America! BETTY: You expect me to believe that? You came here so you could kill this guy and run the story on your television show. I bet you’re planting clues right now so you can make it look like you solve the crime. NEIL: Sheriff, don’t give her any ideas. MARY: Neil! Kill the camera. NEIL: Right, Mary. MARY: I’ve just had the greatest idea! (Moves toward OFF LEFT.) We’ll call it Crime Beat! Each week I’ll solve a different crime. (Leads NEIL OFF LEFT as BERNICE ENTERS RIGHT.) BERNICE: Get anywhere with her, Sheriff Betty? BETTY: Hard to say. What’d you find out? BERNICE: Pink 1956 Cadillac DeVille sitting in the parking lot registered to Seymore Crunch. Everything in the car’s restored. Chrome, rosewood and leather.

24 For preview only BETTY: Must have set him back a pretty penny. BERNICE: I’d say it’s worth as much as this whole building. But there’s something funny. A 1993 Toyota Tercell’s sitting right in the parking lot, too. BETTY: Oh, yeah? Find out whose that is, Mrs. Verelli. This is getting interesting. (RUTH EXITS LEFT as GRANNY, DARCY, TRACY, GERT, LOUELLA and ZOE ENTER LEFT.) GERT: Sheriff Betty? BETTY: If it isn’t the Butter Bluff Bridge Club. GERT: We’re tired and we want to go to bed. LOUELLA: Really, seeing Elvis shot has taken everything out of us. BETTY: Not as much as it took out of him. ZOE: (Horrified.) That wasn’t very nice! BETTY: Murder ain’t nice, lady. TRACY: Our poor granny’s about ready to fall over. DARCY: Can’t we talk to you tomorrow? BETTY: Talk about what? GERT: Don’t you want to question us? GRANNY: We might have seen something. BETTY: I thought the lights were out. ROBIN: But they could have heard something. BETTY: There are more hearing aids in this room than a Belltone showroom. GERT: But we want to help. This terrible act has defiled a sacred shrine. BETTY: What’s so sacred about it? GERT: Elvis ate here, Sheriff. BETTY: Nice gimmick, but it doesn’t play with me. LOUELLA: But he did! He sat right in that chair. ZOE: He had a burger. GRANNY: And he used that phone to call a tow truck. (The women sigh.) BETTY: Look. Get some sleep. You won’t look so puffy in the morning. I hate interrogating puffy witnesses. (GRANNY, TRACY, DARCY, LOUELLA, ZOE and GERT EXIT LEFT as RUTH leads NICK, NORMAN, SARI and ANGIE ON LEFT. MAX and DRACK ENTER RIGHT.)

25 For preview only ROBIN: You weren’t very nice to those poor old ladies. BETTY: Poor? Old? One of ’em could be a killer! ROBIN: You can’t believe— BETTY: (Spots NORMAN.) So, another Elvis. And what’s this, your backup band? NORMAN: They’re my friends. SARI: We’re from Pittstown High School. ANGIE: And we don’t know anything about anything. BETTY: I can believe that. I barely got out of high school myself. NICK: Huh? BETTY: So what are nice kids like you doin’ in a place like this? RUTH: (Defensive.) What do you mean, a place like this? BETTY: Honey, take a hike. Go on! Scrub the kitchen floor or alphabetize your soup cans or something. ROBIN: C’mon, Mom. RUTH: Did she call me honey? (ROBIN drags RUTH OFF LEFT.) BETTY: (Turns on flashlight.) So answer my question! NICK: What question? BETTY: (Shines flashlight on them.)What are nice kids like you doin’ in a place like this? ANGIE: I don’t know! SARI: Of course you know. NORMAN: We need money for prom. BETTY: (Still shining flashlight around.)Oh, so you plugged Seymore Crunch and stole his money and his car! NICK: What money? What car? BETTY: He was driving a 1993 Toyota Tercell. NICK: That’s my 1993 Toyota Tercell. Check the registration. BETTY: Bernice. Get on it. BERNICE: Right, Sheriff Betty! (Races OFF RIGHT.) BETTY: But that doesn’t explain the money. SARI: We came here so Norman could compete in the Elvis impersonation contest. The first prize is $500. NORMAN: We want to use the money to pay for prom. BETTY: Prom’s gotten pretty expensive.

26 For preview only SARI: The principal took the prom funds and bought a new boiler for our school. BETTY: (Wields flashlight around.) He did, did he?! NICK: Would you stop flashing that light in our faces, Sheriff? BETTY: (Flashlight on NICK.) Don’t like being in the spotlight? ANGIE: I want to go home! BETTY: Should have thought about that before you bumped off the victim. ANGIE: I never bumped anybody off! SARI: This is ridiculous! (As in a pre-recorded speech.) You don’t have any right to interrogate us like this without our lawyers and/or parents present. BETTY: I don’t, huh? KIDS: No! BETTY: We’ll just see about that. SHORTY: (He and MORTY run on LEFT.) Hey, Sheriff! Look what we found! MORTY: I think it’s a gun! (Holds up a pistol.) BETTY: Where’d you find that? SHORTY: In that guy’s coat pocket. BETTY: What guy? MORTY: (Points to MAX.) His! (MAX and DRACK move further RIGHT.) BETTY: Stop in the name of the law! MAX: You ain’t pinnin’ nothin’ on us! (He and DRACK race OFF RIGHT, crashing into BERNICE as she RE-ENTERS.) DRACK: (From OFF RIGHT.) Sorry, lady! BETTY: Bernice! After them! BERNICE: Right, Sheriff. (Seems dizzy.) BETTY: For crying out loud! I’ve got to do everything myself! Hey, you two, stop! Stop! (Runs OFF RIGHT. BERNICE finally regains composure, stands up and follows BETTY OFF RIGHT.) NICK: You think we ought to get out of here? SARI: Yeah! ANGIE: I wanna go home! NORMAN: The gym is sounding real good for prom right now. (NICK, ANGIE, SARI and NORMAN EXIT RIGHT.)

27 For preview only MORTY: That was a great idea to sic the cops on those other thugs. SHORTY: Yeah, but what are we gonna do now? MORTY: I dunno. Make a run for it? SHORTY: Not a chance! I got a message from our client. (Pulls out note from his pocket. Reads.) “Meet me in the cafe at three a.m. Bring the goods.” MORTY: So what do we do ’til three a.m.? SHORTY: We’re in luck. There’s a Three Stooges festival on cable. (He and MORTY EXIT RIGHT as HORACE ENTERS LEFT. He moves to the stage, steps over the crime scene tape and begins singing an Elvis tune a capella. ALICE and DANI ENTER LEFT.) ALICE: Horace, what are you doing?! HORACE: Practicing. DANI: Daddy! You can’t cross the crime scene tape! HORACE: Elvis wouldn’t have let a little murder stand in his way. ALICE: We’ve got to go home now, Horace. HORACE: I want to win the contest. DANI: There won’t be a contest. HORACE: Yes, there will! ALICE: Horace, you come down here right away! (She and DANI move to the stage. They try to catch HORACE, but he jumps off the stage and runs around the room.) HORACE: I know the one thing I’m missing for my act! DANI: Common sense? HORACE: No! Elvis’s guitar! (Picks up electric guitar sitting in the corner. He turns it on, sings a line of an Elvis tune and strums one chord. STROBE LIGHTS FLASH. [See PRODUCTION NOTES.] SOUND EFFECT: BUZZING to indicate ELECTRIC SHOCK. HORACE falls over.) ALICE: Horace! DANI: Daddy! (CURTAIN.) End of ACT ONE

ACT TWO Scene One AT RISE: The same, a half hour later. HORACE is sitting in the Elvis chair, DANI and ALICE sitting at either side. NICK, SARI, ANGIE and NORMAN stand UP RIGHT. SHORTY and MORTY stand UP LEFT.

28 For preview only RUTH, ROBIN and MEADOW stand behind the counter. GRANNY, LOUELLA and ZOE sit at table. DOC sits at a different table. TRACY and DARCY stand UP RIGHT. BETTY paces DOWN RIGHT. BETTY: Soooooooo! Somebody just tried to rub out our second Elvis! Good thing this guy (Points to HORACE.) doesn’t have what you’d call an electric personality. Here’s the question for each and every one of you. Who’s got it in for Elvis? NICK: Maybe the same guy who let the air out of all our tires. GRANNY: What? My new Die Hard Radials. They’re never supposed to go flat! SHORTY: You wanna bet? GRANNY: All four of ’em? (MORTY makes a raspberry sound.) RUTH: Are you feeling better, Horace? HORACE: (With a funny accent.) My tongue still tingles a bit. ALICE: Honey, you could have been killed! DANI: That guitar was rigged! BETTY: How do you know? RUTH: It could have been an accident. BETTY: Right after Elvis number one gets iced? I told you. I don’t buy coincidences. PEEP: (ENTERS with a popsicle. She gives it to HORACE.) This’ll stop your tongue from tingling. HORACE: Really? PEEP: Yeah. I stuck a pair of scissors in a socket once, and this did the trick for me. I’m perfectly normal. MEADOW: Except your brain cells got scrambled. (BERNICE ENTERS RIGHT.) Any luck, Bernice? BERNICE: (Breathless.) Not hide nor lousy hair of those two bums! But don’t worry. We got an APB out on ’em! RUTH: Then there’s your answer. They killed Elvis! SHORTY: Yeah! They had a gun! MORTY: Saw it with my own two eyes! BETTY: What kind? SHORTY: Big! BETTY: Can you give me anything a bit more specific? SHORTY: Well, I’m no expert, but it looked like a forty-four calibre Remington Magnum—

29 For preview only MORTY: With a muzzle velocity of 1,350 feet per second. BETTY: No experts, huh? How come you know so much about firearms? SHORTY: (Weak.) Perry Mason reruns. MORTY: Well, they’re the ones who did it. They ran off like a couple of Guilty Gerties— GERT: Who’re you callin’ guilty? SHORTY: Those two shady characters. MORTY: And I’ll bet they’re the ones that let all the air out of our tires. GRANNY: Then that solves it! This old lady’s had enough. You want me, I’ll be in Heartbreak Hotel. TRACY: Well, my grandma needs her sleep. Especially after all this disappointment! DARCY: We never even got the contest finished. TRACY: No use cryin’ over dead Elvises. Let’s go tuck Granny in. GRANNY: You girls are just the sweetest grandkids a granny could ever want. (TRACY and DARCY move GRANNY LEFT. MADAME ENTERS LEFT, arms outstretched. Frightened by MADAME, GRANNY screams.) TRACY: What in tarnaton?! DARCY: You trying to give Granny a heart attack? MADAME: His voice! I heard his voice! RUTH: Madame Laski, what are you talking about? BETTY: Madame Laski? GERT: A real psychotic. BERNICE: Then we’d better arrest her, Sheriff Betty. RUTH: Not a psychotic, a psychic! Madame Laski reads cards, tea leaves, palms. GRANNY: Books are good enough for the rest of us. MADAME: My good friend Ruth, I was awakened tonight by a presence in my room. SHORTY: Maybe it’s your birthday and you forgot! MADAME: Do not make fun. This is serious. Deadly serious. RUTH: You did warn us that there would be a death tonight. BETTY: Oh? And just how did you know that, sister?

30 For preview only MADAME: (Lays her cards on the table where HORACE is sitting.) The cards! I lay them out one by one... on top, below... and they always say the same thing. Death! (HORACE, ALICE and DANI jump up from the table.) ALICE: That’s too close for comfort! (MADAME sits at the table.) BETTY: So who was it in your bedroom tonight? MADAME: Elvis! DOC: You probably left your CD player on! MADAME: I do not own a CD, and I do not know this... Elvis. RUTH: What did he say? MADAME: Take me back. LOUELLA: Oh, I’d take Elvis back in a second. (She, ZOE and GRANNY sigh.) DOC: Take him back where? MADAME: He said, “Take me back to the Drop On Inn.” RUTH: Why? MADAME: I don’t know, but that is what I am here to find out. BETTY: And just how do you propose to do that? MADAME: We will have a séance! BERNICE: A séance! GERT: Like where you bring back somebody from the dead? MADAME: That is precisely what I mean! LOUELLA: You’re going to bring Elvis here— ZOE: Right now? MADAME: You’re catching on. (GRANNY, LOUELLA, ZOE and GERT scream like teenage fans. GRANNY begins to EXIT LEFT.) TRACY: Granny! Where are you going? GRANNY: To get my autograph book! I got a page between Sandra Dee and Troy Donahue! DARCY: Granny, you don’t believe this, do you? DOC: No one can bring anybody back from the dead. (EXITS LEFT in disgust.) MADAME: Oh, you of little faith. My dear friend Ruth, the lights! MARY: (She and NEIL ENTER RIGHT.) So there you have it, folks, you’ve seen it with your own eyes! Every last tire is flatter than the Earth before Columbus.

31 For preview only NEIL: Mary, it’s a little dark in here... you’re not registering. MARY: Lights, people! Lights! MADAME: Silence! MARY: Trying to kill the voice of democracy? Silence the little people? Mute the majority? Well, it won’t work. BETTY: You gonna shut up, or do I have to handcuff you to the cooler out back? MARY: Just making sure, Sheriff. RUTH: Madame Laski’s holding a séance. MARY: Neil! Cue the psycho! NEIL: In three and two and... MADAME: It must be quiet! So quiet the sound of a feather hitting the floor is thunder to our ears. (MORTY sneezes.) SHORTY: Gazoonheit! MADAME: Silence! (A moment of silence.) GRANNY: (ENTERS LEFT with autograph book.) Here I am. Did I miss anything? MADAME: Silence, I say! (Another moment of silence.) Spirits about me swirl and fly, Speak with us! Try and try! Your words are what we long to hear. Your words bring hope and quell our fear! Spirits about me swirl and fly, Speak with us! Try and try! (LIGHTS suddenly COME ON.) RUTH: Peep, are you playing with the lights? PEEP: Don’t blame me! MADAME: Silence! Draw us to you... your light does shine. Manifest your spirit. Give us a sign! (NORMAN, HORACE, SHORTY, MORTY and DOC ENTER and—now more than ever—act like Elvis. They coolly step on the stage as the crime scene tape mysteriously drops to the floor. [NOTE: To establish this effect, tie fishing line to each side of the crime-scene tape during intermission, which can be tugged from OFF RIGHT and LEFT.]) ALICE: Horace! This almost killed you once! MADAME: Shhh! Shhh! It is him! It’s Elvis! ELVISES: Hi, fans, here and everywhere. It’s good to see you once again. BETTY: This is stupid! I don’t believe a word of it.

32 For preview only ELVISES: A doubting Betty. Maybe this will make you believe! (The ELVISES lip-sync an Elvis SONG, doing appropriate choreography. Their lip-syncing and dancing are perfectly matched—something they couldn’t do unless they really were possessed!) LOUELLA: It really is him! ZOE: I’d know his moves anywhere! GRANNY: Elvis! Elvis, you’re the king! TRACY: Oh, Granny, Granny! This is more than any of us bargained for! DARCY: Now I know why you’ve been carryin’ a torch all these years! BERNICE: Maybe the psycho’s on to something here. BETTY: Sure. And I’m the Queen of Sheba. MARY: Go on! Ask them something... something only Elvis would know! LOUELLA: What network television show did you fail to get on in 1955? ELVISES: Arthur Godfrey’s Talent Scouts. SHORTY: And he kicked himself for the rest of his life. ZOE: Where did you get your first guitar? ELVISES: Tupelo Hardware Store for $12.95. BETTY: That true? GERT: ’Course it’s true, girl! And now this’ll do it, Elvis. What song did you sing when you were ten years old at the Mississippi-Alabama Fair and Dairy Show in Tupelo? ELVISES: Gerty, my girl, that was “Old Shep.” GERT: And what’d you win, loverboy? ELVISES: Five dollars and free rides at the fair! GERT: It’s him! It’s really him! ELVISES: Who’d you think it was, Buddy Holly? MADAME: But why trouble us in this world? What do you want? SHORTY: I peeled your wheels... MORTY: So you’re tied down right here! MADAME: Why? NORMAN: I’m all shook up! HORACE: One of you is a devil in disguise!

33 For preview only DOC: I got stung by you— SHORTY: Killin’ that feller. MORTY: So he’ll have to go! BETTY: But which one, Elvis? Which one? NORMAN: It’s impossible to tell— DOC: But suspicious minds know he’s got a wooden heart. HORACE: Stuffed like a teddy bear. SHORTY: Don’t be cruel. MORTY: But find the cruel one. NORMAN: His latest flame! MADAME: Elvis! Elvis! He’s fading! ELVISES: Find the one... find the one... clear my name. Shoo bop shoo bop! (Sing one last verse of the song they used earlier, with the same choreography. As the song comes to an end, each ELVIS returns to his own personality.) SARI: Norman, are you all right? NORMAN: What happened? ALICE: I didn’t know you could dance like that, Horace. DANI: Really, Dad! You could have been on TV. (Realizes what she’s said.) Just kidding! HORACE: Who danced? RUTH: You don’t remember? SHORTY: How’d we get up on stage? MORTY: My head’s spinning. DOC: What’re you all staring at? GERT: It was Elvis! Really and truly! BETTY: But what’d it all mean? DANI: It was like trying to read hard poetry. LOUELLA: Those were all his songs! ZOE: Sure! Suspicious minds! GERT: Devil in Disguise! LOUELLA: Teddy Bear! ROBIN: But one thing made sense. RUTH: Somebody in here’s a killer! BETTY: Somebody who’s faking it...

34 For preview only GRANNY: One of the Elvises! TRACY: Yeah! They’re faking it! DOC: (Ominously.) But we’re not the only ones who might be faking it. SHORTY: Yeah! Who says you’re the sheriff? BETTY: I says! MORTY: So? I says I’m Elvis! LOUELLA: Then tell me where you moved in 1948 with your parents? MORTY: I... I... hey, I wasn’t even born then! ZOE: So you’re a pretender! GRANNY: You stuffed up like a teddy bear?! MORTY: Stuffed with what? BETTY: Maybe stuffed with something the killer wants? RUTH: What would the killer want? BETTY: I’ve had ’em want all sorts of things... a deed... money... a marriage license... divorce papers... I once arrested a guy for killing his wife because he wanted her recipe for devil’s food cake and she wouldn’t give it to him! DOC: Devil of a reason. NICK: Seems to me like this got us no place at all. MADAME: Except we know who let the air out of your tires! SARI: Elvis? MADAME: He says sorry, but he doesn’t want his name dragged through the mud. He wants this case wrapped up here and now! MARY: (Into camera.) Can you believe it, folks? The ghost of Elvis Presley is helping to solve a murder right here in a local eatery, Elvis Ate Here. You saw the séance. You saw how Elvis spoke through his impersonators and how he gave us a few clues as to who the real killer is. But what now? Will these clues help Sheriff Betty solve this crime? How about it, Sheriff Betty? (NEIL aims camera at BETTY.) BETTY: You know something, dollface? The only thing that’s going to solve this crime is good old police work. MADAME: (Points at BETTY.) You! You! Wake up and smell the coffee! Elvis handed it to you on a silver platter! BETTY: Sorry, but I didn’t see anything handed to me. BERNICE: (ENTERS RIGHT with MAX and DRACK in handcuffs.) Look what turned up in a field a half-mile from here, Sheriff Betty.

35 For preview only BETTY: Now this is what I call a silver platter! SHORTY: The killers! BETTY: Let’s get ’em in the cooler. I got a couple of questions for these two! (Pushes MAX and DRACK OFF LEFT as the CURTAIN falls.)

End of Scene One

Scene Two AT RISE: The wee hours of the next day. The STAGE is DIMLY LIT. BERNICE sits in a chair, trying to stay awake. Gradually, she falls asleep. LOUELLA and ZOE ENTER LEFT and move to CENTER. LOUELLA: (Whispers.) I thought she’d never fall asleep! ZOE: Shhhh! You and your crazy ideas. LOUELLA: I’ve got to have it! ZOE: But I still get to use it once in a while. LOUELLA: Every third weekend. ZOE: I dunno! If we’re caught, I wouldn’t get a quarter of the prison time, would I? LOUELLA: I swear I’ll tell them I made you do it. Now help me! (She and ZOE lift the chair Elvis supposedly sat in.) ZOE: Which way? LOUELLA: To the car! We’ll hide it in the trunk. ZOE: They’ll know it’s missing! (LOUELLA and ZOE put down chair. LOUELLA moves another chair in its place.) LOUELLA: There! (They pick up chair and start moving RIGHT.) A lot easier than I thought. ZOE: Just like takin’ candy from a baby! (A shotgun barrel appears RIGHT.) LOUELLA: Oh, baby! GERT: (ENTERS, holding gun.) I don’t think Elvis would like that very much! LOUELLA: We were... we were just going to... ZOE: Polish the chair. GERT: It doesn’t need polishing. It needs your grimy mitts off it! LOUELLA: You don’t need to point a gun at us.

36 For preview only GERT: I point a gun at every polecat and thief in these parts. Now go on ’n’ git! (LOUELLA and ZOE replace chair. They move LEFT and hesitate.) Git! (LOUELLA and ZOE EXIT LEFT. GERT EXITS LEFT after them. SHORTY and MORTY sneak ON RIGHT. They are still dressed as Elvises. BERNICE snores loudly. SHORTY and MORTY grab each other in terror. When BERNICE settles back to sleep, they separate and hit one another angrily. They take off their jackets and place them near the RIGHT EXIT. They proceed to investigate the electric guitar. During the next few lines, a hand reaches on from RIGHT and switches SHORTY’S jacket with a similar, but obviously different jacket.) SHORTY: The wires are stripped. MORTY: That coulda caused a short! SHORTY: It did cause a short! That’s what shocked that Horace guy. MORTY: That wasn’t nice of somebody to do. SHORTY: And the worst part was we were gonna use that guitar! Maybe our client had some notion of not payin’ for the delivery! MORTY: Gosh, who can you trust these days? SHORTY: Well, it’s just about three. He oughta be here! MORTY: (Looks LEFT.) And we’d better stay on our toes! (Beat.) Hey! Somebody’s comin’! SHORTY: We’re in the money! MORTY: Naw! It’s that dame and her kids! SHORTY: (Grabs [wrong] jacket and puts it on.) Let’s get out of here! (He and MORTY EXIT RIGHT as RUTH and ROBIN ENTER LEFT.) RUTH: The sheriff said she’d leave Bernice on guard duty. (A large snore from BERNICE.) ROBIN: She’s guarding the place, all right. So what are we looking for? RUTH: I don’t know! I just have this feeling that somebody’s got something hidden here that the killer’s after. ROBIN: Maybe Madame can help! That séance was really weird. Do you really think Elvis— RUTH: Robin, that’s ridiculous! ROBIN: But those guys just don’t have that much talent! RUTH: Shhhhh! (She and ROBIN duck behind counter as DOC quickly ENTERS RIGHT.)

37 For preview only DOC: Tick, tock... it’s three o’clock. Time to pick up the merchandise. Tick, tock! Three o’clock! I’ve got your payment right here! (Pulls out a gun. A GUNSHOT is heard OFF LEFT. DOC falls onto BERNICE, who screams as the CURTAIN falls.)

End of Scene Two

Scene Three AT RISE: The following morning. GRANNY, TRACY and DARCY sit at Elvis’s table. HORACE, ALICE and DANI sit at another. NICK, SARI, NORMAN and ANGIE stand UP RIGHT. MEADOW and PEEP stand DOWN LEFT. RUTH and ROBIN stand behind the counter. LOUELLA, ZOE and GERT stand RIGHT. MADAME sits at table by herself, laying out Tarot cards. BETTY paces DOWN CENTER. DOC’S body has been removed from the scene. RUTH: We told you, Sheriff, Doc said he was going to pick up the merchandise. BETTY: What merchandise? ROBIN: We don’t know. BETTY: But you two just happened to be hiding behind the counter at 3 a.m. GERT: Ruth owns the place! She can be any place she likes. RUTH: We were... looking for something. BETTY: What? The merchandise? RUTH: There’s something here that someone’s after. Something very valuable. BETTY: I don’t believe a word of it! You know what I think? I think you’re involved, Mrs. Verelli! I think you had something to do with Doc’s death! MARY: (She and NEIL ENTER LEFT.) Roll ’em, Neil! NEIL: In three and two and— (Cues MARY.) BETTY: Say! What’s going on here? MARY: And now, folks, after a second murder, Sheriff Betty’s resources are worn very thin. BETTY: Turn that thing off! MARY: She’s angry! Angry that she can’t bring justice to her small town of Butter Bluff! BETTY: I’m angry you won’t shut that thing off, lady!

38 For preview only MARY: If only she realized she’s barking up the wrong tree! Mrs. Verelli and her daughter are telling the truth. BETTY: What?! NEIL: Video tape doesn’t lie, Sheriff! MARY: We got everything that happened here on tape last night! BETTY: What’s wrong? Trouble sleeping? MARY: In a democracy, the press never sleeps! (To NEIL.) Ooooh, that’s good. Remind me to tape that later. NEIL: And it’s just like they say. Doc said he wanted the merchandise. MARY: But somebody from the kitchen plugged him! And you can tell from the angle of the bullet— BETTY: The coroner’s doin’ his job right now, sister, so save your breath! MARY: But there’s something more important. The tape shows who Doc was going to meet! (BERNICE ENTERS, pushing SHORTY and MORTY into the room RIGHT.) SHORTY: Hey! Didn’t your mother ever teach you no manners? MORTY: Yeah! It ain’t nice to push people! BERNICE: (Pushes them into chairs.) Caught these two trying to change their tires. BETTY: A lot of good one spare would do you. BERNICE: They’d stolen three other spares! GRANNY: What horrible men! You ought to be ashamed of yourselves! RUTH: The garage said it would begin replacing all the tires just as soon as they get enough tires. BETTY: But nobody’s goin’ anyplace until we find out who killed Elvis. And the first thing I want to see is that videotape! MARY: I’ll let you see it if you grant me exclusive rights to interview you after we’ve caught the killer! BETTY: What’s this “we” stuff? MARY: Well, Sheriff, without this video— BETTY: (To NEIL.) I want to see that video now, buster. (To MARY.) And you, sister, cool your heels in here. MARY: Nothin’ doing, Neil! I go, or nobody goes. GERT: (Retrieves fly swatter from counter.) You go on, Sheriff. The lady’s gonna reach for the sky and then some!

39 For preview only MARY: In your dreams, Gramma! GERT: (Wields fly swatter.) Reach! MARY: (Raises her hands. NEIL continues to film.) Cut, Neil! Cut, or you’re fired! (BETTY grabs NEIL and hauls him OFF LEFT.) GERT: Now, ’fore we get any farther in the proceedings, you’re all gonna pay yer bills! NICK: Uh-oh! SARI: We were so sure we’d win the prize money— ANGIE: And we never thought we’d have to stay here overnight! NORMAN: I got $4.85. NICK: I’ve got a buck fifty...(SARI, ANGIE and NORMAN huddle.) ALICE: We’ll put ours on our credit card. RUTH: Is your husband going to be all right? ALICE: (To HORACE.) Reality is a terrible thing to face, isn’t it, dear? DANI: Just keep saying it over and over... I am not Elvis. I am not Elvis. (HORACE bursts into tears.) GRANNY: Tracy, here’s my pocketbook. Pay for our room, will you? TRACY: Right, Grandma! It’s just such a shame we didn’t have more of the Elvis... GRANNY: And make sure you count your change, sweetie. SHORTY: And I’ll take care of our room, Elvis! MORTY: Thank you, Elvis. SHORTY: My pleasure! (Moves to counter.) RUTH: That will be $22.45, Elvis. SHORTY: Coming right up. (Reaches in his pocket. He feels around. Suddenly realizes he doesn’t have the same jacket on.) RUTH: Is something wrong? SHORTY: Elvis! We got a problem! MORTY: What’s the matter! You’re actin’ mighty suspicious. SHORTY: This ain’t my jacket! MORTY: I was wonderin’ what you did with your Elvis jacket! SHORTY: Somebody must have swiped it! (BETTY ENTERS LEFT followed by NEIL.) MARY: Can I put my hands down now? BETTY: Yeah! ’Cause your hands ain’t dirty, sister.

40 For preview only MARY: Not at the price I pay for a manicure! RUTH: Sheriff, I think Elvis has been robbed. SHORTY: No, it’s okay. Nothing to get too concerned with. MORTY: Yeah, he never liked that jacket anyway. SHORTY: It was polyester. BETTY: Don’t want the law involved, eh, Shorty? SHORTY: Shorty? My name is Elvis. BETTY: I oughta call you Shifty! MADAME: He was stuffed like a teddy bear! BETTY: At least your jacket was, right, Shorty? SHORTY: I don’t know what you’re talking about! BETTY: It’s on the tape. You came in here last night to see how the guitar was rigged. HORACE: So you tried to kill me! It’s true! There’s a critic born every minute! MORTY: We never tried to hurt nobody! We just wanted to see if it that whole setup was meant for us! BETTY: (Points to SHORTY.) ’Course it was meant for you! You two did a real stupid thing, boys! GRANNY: Oh, dear! What did they do, Sheriff? BETTY: They swiped that artifact from the Rock ’n’ Roll Museum. Right under the nose of the mob. TRACY: The mob? DARCY: Oh, how awful! LOUELLA: But then that means— ZOE: Somebody here is in the mob. MAX: (ENTERS RIGHT, DRACK ENTERS LEFT. ALL stare at them suspiciously.) Hey! What’re you lookin’ at? BETTY: (Coolly.) Glad you boys could stop by and give yourselves up! PEEP: Looks like the jig’s up! DRACK: But we ain’t in the mob, kid! GERT: No, you’re interior decorators from Toledo, right? LOUELLA: Of course they’re in the mob! Look at those shifty eyes! ZOE: And those snarling lips!

41 For preview only NICK: And they were the ones who ran away last night! SARI: That’s right! They could have come back and... and... LOUELLA: Plugged Elvis! ZOE: I say we get ’em! (ALL begin to move in on MAX and DRACK, except for GRANNY, who moves RIGHT with her knitting bag. Just as she’s about to EXIT, MYRNA and KAYE ENTER RIGHT, blocking GRANNY’S EXIT.) MYRNA: Norman! Are you in here? NORMAN: Mom! KAYE: Sari! We’ve been looking everywhere for you! SARI: Uh-oh! GRANNY: (Now speaking as a tough gangster.) Get out of my way! MYRNA: Lady, we’re been looking for our kids for hours! KAYE: We just hope you’ve made some nice new friends! GRANNY: (Draws a gun.) Move it, or I’ll plug you both! (MYRNA and KAYE scream.) MARY: It’s Granny! Neil, get a shot of Granny! MAX: Try calling her by her real name. DRACK: Lucky Lou! GRANNY: You know somethin’, girls? I think the Feds are on to us. TRACY: Yeah, Lou, I thought they smelled like cops. RUTH: (To MAX and DRACK.) You two are with the police? BETTY: Undercover. About as far undercover as they could get. Had me fooled ’til last night. MAX: (To RUTH.) Federal agents on assignment, ma’am. GRANNY: And I was your homework! NORMAN: I thought we were the only ones who got stuck with homework! MAX: You’re wrong there, kid! DRACK: We figured Lucky Lou was behind the theft at the Rock ’n’ Roll Museum! MAX: But it looks like a couple of stooges got there before you did! GRANNY: Stooges hired by Doc! SHORTY: What’re you lookin’ at us for? MORTY: We’re clean! You can search us!

42 For preview only MARY: Sure! Your jacket got swiped! The artifact was in your jacket! MAX: Yeah! So whoever took that jacket better fess up quick! LOUELLA: (Terrified.) Oh, dear! I’m afraid we did. ZOE: When Gert wouldn’t let us have the chair— LOUELLA: We thought that beautiful jacket would make a lovely souvenir. BETTY: A couple petty thieves, huh? Go get that jacket, sister! (ZOE races OFF LEFT.) And now, let me get this straight... (Points to SHORTY.) You two robbed the Rock ’n’ Roll Museum for Doc. And you just happened to beat Lucky Lou to the punch. But who bumped off the first Elvis? MAX: If we check Doc’s gun, ballistics will probably prove he did it. DRACK: Seymore was most likely on the trail of the thieves. They dropped a flier by the museum when they escaped with the goods. SHORTY: (To MORTY.) You klutz! MAX: Seymore must have trusted Doc and spilled the beans about why he was really here. RUTH: But what about poor Doc? GRANNY: Poor nothin’! I offered to take the goods off his hands for a fine price, but he said it was all his, and he had this plan he was workin’ on in his laboratory... and if I rubbed him the wrong way, he’d destroy everything! TRACY: So we kept our eyes on him. DARCY: And plugged him when the pluggin’ was good. BETTY: Thanks, Lou! With a confession like that, you’re gettin’ what you deserve! GRANNY: That’s what you think, sister! I’ve been in tighter spots than this! TRACY: Yeah! Remember when we swiped that Rembrandt and had to carry it out under our coats. GRANNY: Shut up! DARCY: And the time we kidnapped Poo Poo, that million dollar Shitzu? GRANNY: Did you hear me?! MAX: Keep talkin’, girls! This’ll make real good reading in court. MYRNA: Court! I certainly don’t want you hanging around with people that have to go to court, Norman! And why are you dressed like Mick Jagger?

43 For preview only NICK: He’s dressed like Elvis! KAYE: We’re getting you kids out of here now! SARI: But, Mom, they’ve got guns. KAYE: I’m sure they’re not loaded! (GUNSHOT SOUNDS as TRACY fires her gun. EVERYONE screams and ducks.) MARY: Ladies and gentlemen, we’re at a standoff here in Elvis Ate Here! The notorious mob boss Lucky Lou and her cohorts are holding all of us hostage. GRANNY: You know something, lady? That bit of drama ain’t such a bad idea. (EVERYONE gasps.) TRACY: Yeah, somebody’ll pay big bucks to get these folks back! DARCY: We get the priceless Elvis memorabilia and a little ransom! GRANNY: Sheriff, get on that radio of yours. BETTY: What if I don’t?! TRACY: You don’t wanna know, sister! BETTY: (Gets on walkie talkie.) Come in, Ralph. Ralph, are you there? RALPH’S VOICE: Yeah, Sheriff. Closer than you think! BETTY: Is your mouth full again?! I can hardly understand what you’re sayin’. RALPH’S VOICE: No, ma’am! I’m on the— BETTY: Ralph, we have a 221 here. RALPH’S VOICE: 221... let me see... 200, 201, 202... BETTY: Hostage situation, Ralph! We’re being held hostage! RALPH’S VOICE: Are you sure that’s a 221? I thought it was a 224. BETTY: Ralph! Just listen to the demands, all right? (Hands walkie talkie to GRANNY.) GRANNY: We want a quarter million... (TRACY raises her thumb upward to indicate upping the ransom.) Half million dollars in small bills in a helicopter that lands outside Elvis Ate Here in a half hour! RALPH’S VOICE: Let me get this straight... a quarter million dollars, a taxicab in an hour. GRANNY: What kind of help do you got around here, Sheriff? BETTY: Good help is hard to find! GRANNY: A half million, a helicopter, thirty minutes! Got that? RALPH’S VOICE: You don’t have to be so rude! (GRANNY hands walkie talkie back to BETTY.)

44 For preview only BETTY: So, what’s on your agenda while we wait? GRANNY: We’re gonna have the contest. ROBIN: How can you even think— MADAME: Elvis lives! GRANNY: You’re darn tootin’ he lives! Ever since I was a girl, I loved Elvis! And this place is sacred to anybody who loves Elvis! ZOE: (ENTERS LEFT with the Elvis jacket.) Here’s the jacket, and I’m so sorry we took it. TRACY: Hand it over! GRANNY: Look in the pocket, Tracy. TRACY: Oh, Lou, here it is! RUTH: Here what is? BETTY: A check?! BERNICE: A will?! DARCY: You do the honors, Lou! (GRANNY pulls a lock of black hair from the envelope.) MEADOW: What’s that? PEEP: It looks like hair. GRANNY: Not just any hair! His hair! TRACY: The king’s hair! DARCY: DNA testing proved this is Elvis’s hair! The only known lock in existence! ROBIN: Oh, my gosh! I hate to think what Doc wanted that hair for! RUTH: He was into genetics. GRANNY: He was gonna clone Elvis. And I still might. I’ll have Elvis all to myself! And, heck, I’ve got so much memorabilia at my place, he’ll feel right at home! TRACY: ’Cept, of course for the guard dogs. DARCY: Yeah, he ain’t goin’ no place! GRANNY: Now, boys, go on up on that stage! I wanna see Elvis! GERT: I like it! Go on ’n’ get up on stage, you fellers! Let’s see what you can do! MYRNA: Norman! You’ve never been on a stage in your life! NORMAN: A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do! (Gets on stage with SHORTY and MORTY.)

45 For preview only HORACE: I am not Elvis! I am not Elvis! DANI: Daddy, go up on the stage! HORACE: I am not Elvis! I am not— ALICE: Yes, you are! You’re Elvis! (HORACE moves on stage. RUTH moves to stage.) RUTH: Just a few instructions, Elvises! (Huddles with ELVISES.) TRACY: I don’t like this! GRANNY: Shut up! You got the gun! MADAME: But not for long! ROBIN: Get the cards from her! (PEEP and MEADOW snatch cards from MADAME.) MADAME: What are you doing?! PEEP: Sorry, Madame! RUTH: And now, ladies and gentlemen, we invite you to vote for the best Elvis impersonator! I now give you... Elvis! (A lively Elvis SONG starts to play. NORMAN, SHORTY, MORTY and HORACE do poor imitations of ELVIS. Shortly into the song, a MYSTERY ELVIS ENTERS from LEFT and dances among the CROWD. In turn, he dances with RUTH, then BETTY, then TRACY. As he’s dancing with TRACY DOWNSTAGE [so GRANNY and DARCY can’t see], he disarms TRACY, who is nabbed by MAX and DRACK and hauled OFF RIGHT. The MYSTERY ELVIS next dances with DARCY [as OTHERS dance to confuse the situation]. He disarms DARCY, who is hauled OFF RIGHT by MAX and DRACK. Finally, he dances with GRANNY for the big finish. At the end, her arm is up with her gun in her hand. NORMAN grabs her gun as EVERYONE claps and cheers. BETTY grabs the lock of hair.) GRANNY: Hey! Girls! Get ’em! MYSTERY ELVIS: Sorry, Lucky Lou, but your luck has run out, and so have your girls! GRANNY: You dirty, rotten Elvis! MYSTERY ELVIS: Just call me the king! (EXITS LEFT.) GERT: Who was that Elvis?! MAX: I don’t know, but the other two are cooling their heels in the cooler. DRACK: Let’s go, Lou! NORMAN: But the contest! Who won the contest? MADAME: It was him! It really was!

46 For preview only RUTH: I guess our mystery Elvis won. SARI: Then we go home without money for prom. ANGIE: What a stupid idea this was, Nick! MYRNA: Is that what this was about? KAYE: You wanted to win money for prom? NICK: Yeah, Principal Luckless used all our money for a new boiler. MAX: (Indicating NORMAN.) Don’t worry, your Elvis here officially disarmed Lucky Lou. DRACK: There’s a $10,000 reward. You’ll get a hefty chunk of that. NORMAN: Ten thousand dollars? SARI: Wow! That’ll buy a lot of crepe paper streamers! DRACK: All right, Shorty and Morty, you’re comin’ with us! MAX: Let’s go, Lou! GRANNY: It’s Lucky to you! DRACK: Not any more! (MAX and DRACK EXIT RIGHT with GRANNY, SHORTY and MORTY as SMITHERS ENTERS RIGHT.) SMITHERS: Mrs. Pachilli, what’s going on here? BETTY: Official police business, buster! Whatdaya want? SMITHERS: I’m from the Butter Bluff Savings and Loan! We own this place. BETTY: Lemme tell you, son, you got a gold mine here. Elvis and all! RUTH: Madame, Madame, you must tell us... was that really... really... him? ROBIN: Oh, Mother! MEADOW: Elvis may have eaten here... PEEP: But when you’ve got Graceland, why would you hang out here? BETTY: (Holds up lock of hair.) Say, do you really think that this is... RUTH: I wouldn’t be surprised. You’d better keep that under lock and key so it can be returned to the Rock ’n’ Roll Museum. (RALPH ENTERS RIGHT in a gust of wind. [See PRODUCTION NOTES.] He’s dressed like a policeman, except he’s wearing the Elvis pants, revealing him as the MYSTERY ELVIS who had just appeared. He’s eating chips. The wind blows the lock of hair from BETTY’S fingers, and EVERYONE screams and starts grabbing at every hair and dust particle in sight.) RALPH: (Dry.) Looks like everything’s under control.

47 For preview only BETTY: (Angry.) Ralph, don’t talk with your mouth full! BERNICE: Ralph! Your pants! RALPH: New uniform? SMITHERS: Will somebody tell me what’s going on? BETTY: You saved us? RALPH: Somebody had to! I’ve been keepin’ my eye on this place, just hoping, you know... that you’d need a hero. BETTY: Well, now you can help save all that’s left of the king! ROBIN: Here’s a strand! RALPH: Honestly, this is the craziest place I’ve ever seen! RUTH: (Holds up money.) Well, Ralph, on behalf of Elvis Ate Here, we’ve got your prize money... and our thanks! BETTY: Sorry, ma’am, Ralph can take your thanks, but you’ll have to keep the prize money. Ralph was just doin’ his duty! (RUTH kisses RALPH on the cheek. SMITHERS snatches money from RUTH as an ELVIS SONG begins. ALL continue snatching strands of hair from the floor.)

END OF PLAY

48 For preview only PRODUCTION NOTES

PROPERTIES ONSTAGE: Counter strewn with papers (LEFT); cookie jar, calculator, newspaper, radio (on counter); a few stools (LEFT); a small platform with a drab curtain covering UPSTAGE wall behind it (UP CENTER); a glittery sign reading, “Elvis Ate Here” (behind UPSTAGE curtain); electric guitar plugged in to amp (UP RIGHT); three tables, eight chairs (one table specifically “Elvis’s table”); old posters and advertisements on walls; window (could be a painted flat, doesn’t need to be functional) (RIGHT); pay phone on wall (RIGHT). BROUGHT ON, ACT ONE, Scene One: Envelope (MORTY); gun, flier (SHORTY); suitcase (HORACE). BROUGHT ON, ACT ONE, Scene Two: Walkman with headphones, fly swatter (GERT); flier, posters (ROBIN); bag containing menus (MEADOW); decorations, cup of tea (PEEP); TV camera (NEIL). BROUGHT ON, ACT ONE, Scene Three: TV camera (NEIL); flashlight (RUTH). BROUGHT ON, ACT ONE, Scene Four: Crime-scene tape (BERNICE); walkie talkie, flashlight (BETTY); gun (MORTY); note (SHORTY). BROUGHT ON, ACT TWO, Scene One: Autograph book (GRANNY); popsicle (PEEP); Tarot cards (MADAME). BROUGHT ON, ACT TWO, Scene Three: Knitting bag with gun (GRANNY); Tarot cards (MADAME); gun (TRACY); Shorty’s jacket with envelope containing lock of black hair (ZOE); bag of chips (RALPH).

SOUND EFFECTS Gun shots, sound of electric guitar short-circuiting.

SPECIAL EFFECTS For the scene in which HORACE is shocked by the electric guitar, a strobe light* would work well, paired with sound effects. For the final scene, a fan can be used to create wind from offstage, which makes the lock of hair blow out of BETTY’S hand. Of course, RALPH’S VOICE doesn’t really come from a walkie talkie, but it should be amplified through a stereo system (or loud enough to be heard) from offstage.

49 For preview only MUSIC Whether you use a piano or karaoke for the lip-sync contest, please respect copyright law regarding fair use, as all Elvis songs are copyright protected. The Elvis numbers indicated in the script can be adjusted according to what songs are available for the production. Also, it would be best not to use an entire song in any case, but rather a short cut to keep the action moving. * A warning about the use of a strobe in the production will need to be displayed in the foyer and put in the program.

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