Teamwork, Communication Can Lighten Effects of Divorce on Kids

CHICAGOLAWBULLETIN.COM WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 13, 2014

Volume 160, No. 159 Teamwork, communication can lighten effects of divorce on kids

ost parents are high- people involved. Key areas to con- without sharing too many inti- ly concerned about sider are pickup and drop-off CO L L A B O RAT I V E mate details. Be sure to tell school the initial conversa- schedules, current living arrange- C O N C E P T S staff if you notice new or unusual tion they will have ments for each child, and trans- behaviors cropping up at home, with their children portation of children’s belongings. BETH and ask them to communicate Mabout getting a divorce. Books, •Devise a consistent homework FAW V E R changes in school. Ask teachers if blogs and YouTube videos counsel plan. Children respond well to they can give your child a chance parents on the best way to tell consistency across households. MCCO R M A C K to talk as needed or to go to a their kids that mom and dad will For example, if the rule is that school counselor or nurse. no longer be married. everyone does homework before •Discuss how to tell friends. Attorneys and mental health dinner, then both parents should Some children may be bursting professionals are familiar with the implement it equally. If parents Beth Fawver McCormack is a partner at with the news of a separation or anxiety many parents feel before disagree about schedules in their Beermann, Pritikin, Mirabelli, Swerdlove divorce. Others may feel reluctant sitting down with their kids. It is households, don’t fret. As long as LLP. She practices exclusively in family or might not see a reason to share law matters and is a collaborative law heavy news for children to hear. children know the rules for each fellow, mediator and child representative. this with others. Help your child What is worse? Many children home, they will adjust accordingly. compose a brief, honest statement have to carry the burden of dis- Share these schedules and expec- to tell close friends, such as, “It tributing this information to the tations with your child’s teachers flu, needs a permission slip turns out my parents aren’t get- other adults in their lives. Stu- so they can support your house- signed, or wins a prize in the sci- ting along at all, and now they are dents returning from summer va- hold rules. ence fair. Contact your school getting a divorce. It really sucks, cation may feel particularly lost •Avoid disparaging the other nurse, front office staff and ad- but I’m trying to deal.”It helps to sharing this news with people at parent around academic topics. If ministration to ensure that both role-play variations on these state- their school. one parent helps the child prepare parents are notified if a child is ments for close friends, class- According to Molly Pachan of a project that receives a poor absent or needs parental permis- mates and teachers. Share your Sankofa Psychological Services, grade, the other parent should not sion for any reason. child’s approach with trusted teachers are often the first line of blame the ex-spouse for the child’s •Attend parent-teacher confer- teachers so they can support him support for kids when negative performance. Support your child ences. Try to set aside your dif- or her in this narrative. feelings crop up. It is best to tell to get the academic help he or she ferences and support your child’s Finally, be open to feedback teachers, babysitters, coaches needs, and discuss ways to find education by attending meetings from teachers. They spend many and other caregivers soon with teachers, school plays, hours with children each day, and after telling your immedi- sporting events and other ac- they are often the first to notice ate family. tivities together, if possible. when a child is withdrawing from Often, teachers notice It is best to tell teachers, Focus on your child, rather peers, engaging in conflicts, changes in children before babysitters, coaches and other than negative feelings toward demonstrating passive-aggressive they even hear the news. one another. If possible, both behaviors or failing to concentrate Pachan, who holds a doc- caregivers soon after telling parents should sit with the on assignments. These behaviors torate in psychology, notes, your immediate family. children. In cases of domestic are often a window into a child’s “Teachers have commented violence or other circum- idea of what the divorce means. that it feels strange to them stances, parents may not be Before sitting down with your when parents choose not to in- extra assistance with his or her able to interact. In this situation, child’s teachers, take time to ad- clude them, as they are often best teachers. This practice keeps your alert school staff so they can help dress the above issues with a me- equipped to help the children cope child accountable for academic facilitate separate interactions, diator, attorney or trusted family with changes and to deal with performance, rather than shifting meeting dates or seating locations friend. Even though both parents their peer interactions.” this responsibility to an adult. for parents. hold the child’s best interests at Pachan outlined several steps •Simplify school supplies. If •Uphold standards for behav- heart, they may disagree on the for professionals to share with di- carrying books and papers to and ior, and explain the consequences. best approaches, so it helps to vorcing parents to prepare their from different households be- It is common for children to ex- discuss without your child pre- c h i l d re n : comes too complicated, most press their feelings about divorce sent. •Talk to teachers together if schools will provide another set of through disruptive, rude or de- After a preparation meeting, possible. Explain you have decided books or e-books (sometimes for a structive behaviors. Sometimes share appropriate parts of your to divorce, and describe what the fee) to ease these transitions. parents and teachers give kids a plan with your child. Finally, set initial parenting arrangements •Set up a system for commu- pass in an attempt to be empath- up meetings with teachers and will be as well as potential nicating about school events, daily ic. This should not replace natural school administrators. With the changes in the future. activities, in-school illness and be- c o n s e q u e n c e s . right communication from par- •Coordinate schedules with havior. Schools often default to •Tell your child it is safe to talk ents, teachers can be an invalu- school personnel. This might re- communicating with one parent to teachers. Explain your situation able resource in your child’s life quire some legwork to find all the when a child comes down with the to teachers so they understand, during and after a divorce.