Teamwork How to Approach a Student's Family

If someone were to hand you this item pictured to the right, would you have any idea what it was? Most people would have no clue. Some know what it is but not how it works, or how to repair it if it has been broken.

This is a fuel injector from a car. But if you pull it out of the car and are looking at it in a kitchen or bedroom, you might mistake it for a telescope or fancy camera lens. Undoubtedly, you would have trouble understanding the injector. If it remained in the car and you observed how it works over time, you might become familiar with it and its purpose.

Anytime you take something out of its context you are going to have difficulty understanding and working with it.

Yet, many mentors take the student they mentor out of their context. They drive into their neighborhood, knock on their door, greet all those present, then get back in the car with their student.

In approaching a student this way mentors are missing out on the context of that student’s life and their family. Good mentoring equates to pursuing not only the student, but the student’s family as well.

Our team has watched over the years as mentors have entered into the fabric of West Dallas families. Some have been more successful than others. We want to submit to all those working with families or who will work with families, a few critical suggestions about how to enter into their world in a way that is honoring and helpful.

1. Recognize that you are not the parent. A mentor's role is to come alongside a parent in helping their child become all ​ they can be. This means submitting to the decisions made by the parent. It means obeying the parents requests. It means respecting the parent as that child’s authority figure. Successful mentors ask and listen to parents. They try to see the world through their eyes. They don’t tell parents what they think that student needs, but rather they listen to the parent's view of what is best for the child.

2. Mentoring a child equates to mentoring a family. Signing up to mentor a child means you care about their whole ​ family. You care about all members of that child’s family. You are concerned about the well being of everyone. You come alongside to support them as best you can.

3. Trust is golden. One of your chief aims as a mentor is to earn a family's trust. This is achieved through consistently ​ showing concern and love. Trust is something built over time. Meaning, a mentor must spend some time with a

student’s family. As trust is established, you can work with parents to help the child in ways you never could have before.

4. Over-Communicate. Mentors should be slightly obnoxious. They ought to communicate with parents to the point ​ where parents are surprised by the level of communication. When a mentor communicates with a parent it makes a parent feel valued and reinforces how the mentor is coming alongside and not taking over.

5. Assume an asset-based posture. Oftentimes mentors enter into a family’s home and are struck with its needs. There ​ might not be adequate furniture or space or food. Parents might be too harsh or distant or unloving. As a mentor observes they can quickly be overwhelmed by the need and begin to engage in a need-based approach. In this type of mentoring, the mentor holds the answers to all the family's problems (as seen through the eyes of the mentor). The mentor makes it their job to set out to find solutions to problems. In approaching a family like this, the family is seen merely as having problems and the mentor as having solutions. But families also possess huge potential. They have assets that are overlooked when a mentor focuses only on the needs.

6. Share your family with them. Bringing your entire family into the mentoring relationship will better foster a ​ relationship with your student’s entire family. When it is just you and the student spending time together, family interaction becomes less natural. But if you and your wife and your kids come by, everyone in the house quickly becomes engaged. Families then begin to feel this relationship is more about friendship than anything else.

7. All parents are marked by the image of God. Often as mentors begin to enter into the context their student is ​ growing up in, they get frustrated with parents. Some parents are neglecting or abusing their children. As mentors watch how much that sort of treatment wounds the child, they can begin to talk unhighly of the parents. They might lower their voice as they are telling a friend about the family and say, “well if his momma wouldn’t be doing drugs in the house it would all be better.” Mentors must be careful. Each parent has been crafted by the Almighty God. They have immeasurable value in the eyes of God, despite sin they might engage in. Mentors must treat parents both in and out of their presence with such dignity.

8. Look for opportunities to share and embody the love of Christ. Few families in West Dallas consistently go to church ​ or have a biblical understanding of the Gospel. You might be the only Christian they have met or interact with on a regular basis. See yourself as God’s ambassador. The flavor of your life will be what your student’s family thinks Christianity tastes like. It is important to be clear with the family as well. Ideally your choices are made out of a deep faith in Jesus Christ. Families need to know Christ is the reason you make some choices and not others. Christ alone.

We as a team want to recognize there are some problems that commonly occur with families. Each family is unique and these problems need to be addressed on a case-by-case basis. Mentors ought to work with their coordinator to resolve these problems with families. Some common problems include:

● A lack of gratitude

● A lack of responsiveness ● Losing contact ● Family sees mentor as an ATM/provider (Note: often times mentors might assist in this mindset)

As you interact with your student’s family, we hope you would work with your Mentor Coordinator, brainstorming together how to best love them and pursue God’s best for them. Authenticity is simply the honest overflow of a humble heart. It’s acknowledging we’re all broken and desperate for God’s grace — all equally broken. We’ve fallen into an enormous pit, and we’re powerless to pull ourselves out of the pit. We need someone from outside of it to reach down and pull us up.

Written by Garrett Smith