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FringepiIssue Two
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N review of anythin whatsoever Fring-base satir & sarcas Cartoon! Storie! Stuff yo shoul se! 2 FRINGEPIG ISSUE TWO the alternative Edinburgh Fringe magazine Well hello,
FringepiIssue Two About this time in the Fringe you realise that, as Conrad put it, we live as we dream – alone. We are all living through the FREE! same Fringe yet our own private Fringe. And within each of us there’s a person who’s happy and lonely and exhilarated and bored.
Those of us who live in this great city can at least see the Fringe in all its grandiosity, passing like a stately liner (or N review of anythin whatsoever one of our brand new obsolescent aircraft carriers) and Fring-base satir & sarcas either get aboard or look forward to it sinking. For the visitor, Cartoon ! Storie ! Stuff yo shoul se! disconnected from comfort and routine, time is a flakier concept. The Daily Telegraph released its list of the Funniest Publisher Jokes of the Fringe on day four, as if it was all over. A lot of MISTER KIPPER ticketed performers say it hasn’t really got going yet. A lot Managing Editor of free-show performers say it has already peaked. Is it the LIAM MULLONE beginning of the end or the end of the beginning? Is it too [email protected] early to regret your show? Is it too late to change it? Designer and Production Editor The truth is an elastic concept too. This is the first year in ALEX MUSSON which the number of shows on offer has decreased from www.mustardweb.org the year before. And yet the Festival Fringe Society will, of course, tell us that it sold a billion more tickets and that the Writers sun shone upon all of us, and that it found a unicorn nest on HOLLY BURN DAVID BUSSELL Arthur’s Seat along with a cure for herpes, death and Brexit. DERWENT CYZINSKI MICHAEL LEGGE Just remember that none of it matters. LIAM MULLONE ALEX MUSSON Pip pip! AMEE SMITH ISY SUTTIE CHRISTIAN TALBOT A. K. Kipper MARTIN WALKER fringepig.co.uk PUBLISHER FRINGEPIG, FRINGEPIG.CO.UK AND ALL ASSOCIATED Artists PRODUCTS ARE OWNED BY KIPPER PUBLISHING LIMITED ROBBIE BONHAM SIMON COOPER FIND US AT THESE LOVELY VENUES: POPPY HILLSTEAD BECKY WALKER ANDREW WAUGH Website JAMES HINGLEY Ad Sales PAUL SAVAGE [email protected] FRINGEPIG ISSUE TWO 3 4 FRINGEPIG ISSUE TWO Christian Talbot is performing “C60” at the Underbelly, Med Quad at 5.50pm every day Cit of Dream (psibl Kafk’) I live in the greatest place on earth, says Derwent Cyzinski. But the way it’s run is often like an absurd black comedy
trammag don Slow tar Have you checked out the live ‘Winter weather’ is the deathless Chilcot report read-through at culprit for explaining why Bob’s Blundabus? There’s another Edinburgh’s roads are so report that begs to be read in its appallingly bad, now ranked in entirety by comedians in a shed. That an AA survey as the worst in Britain is, when we get to see it. Lord Hardie’s for potholes and unattended repairs. report into the Edinburgh tram fiasco, The A8 to Corstorphine is reckoned which Alex Salmond promised would the very worst in the UK and is be “swift and thorough” has now cost beaten for congestion only by roads the Scottish Government £3.7 million in inner London. Why the roads in and climbing, according to Transport Oslo, Reykjavik or Stockholm stay Scotland, and has yet to make any of its so smooth and tarmaccy has yet to findings public. be satisfactorily answered by the The enquiry employs 25 staff who ‘winter weather’ stop-gap, but it may are sifting through more than 6 million just be that the City of Edinburgh documents. Edinburgh’s tram system, Council prefers visionary schemes to intended as a three-line network that unglamorous maintenance. would cost £375 million, ended up as Obviously this was a cushy number Council Transport Convener Lesley a single line to the airport that cost for any builder and so Owenson and Hinds recently announced that a £776m, reaching a billion after interest Costello were giving out contracts in whopping £120,000 would be spent on payments. Previous Convenor of return for cash, football tickets and the black stuff in the coming months Transport Gordon MacKenzie summed trips to lapdancing clubs. They were to fix George Square and the Mound in up the failure with the words “We didn’t even billing the City for the expenses a ‘right first time’ overhaul. (Shouldn’t have the right skill mix”, meaning that incurred in GOING to the lapdancing ‘right first time’ go without saying none of them knew much about trams. clubs. The judge said that the pair were really? Isn’t this a bit like announcing Which is probably all we need to know, “stealing from and manipulating the you’re taking your beloved on a not- plus he already said it for free. public purse almost at will”. rapey date or running a razorblade-free One of the contractors, Action soft play?) But compare this figure to upper-er Building Contracts, was making £400 the £2.2 million spent on the just- Ever wondered why Fringe million a year at its zenith, vastly imposed 20mph speed limit on the rents are so high? This might help overcharging Edinburgh citizens for entire city centre, enacted despite explain it. In June last year Edinburgh repairs. In one case a job estimated evidence from Portsmouth City Council Council’s Charles Owenson and James at £15,000 was charged at £500,000. that the same scheme (delivered at a Costello were sent down, along with As a result of the scandal Edinburgh quarter of the cost) had actually made others, for their part in one of the most Council is now owed £22 million from road casualties increase slightly. scandalous exploitations of modern local tenants, much of which is to be The 20mph speed limit is enforced history. Under the council’s Statutory written off as irrecoverable. But there’s at all hours. The last time a vehicle Notice System, tenement householders more fun to come! Having been in travelled at 21 mph over the safe zone’s who couldn’t sort out their own repairs abeyance for a bit while the Council cratered boulevards during daylight got the repairs done compulsorily by cleans up the mess, our compulsory was sometime between the invention of the Council, at a massive markup. The repair scheme will be back by this time the diesel engine and the installation of Council hired the contractors. next year. traffic lights in 1928.
FRINGEPIG ISSUE TWO 5 Fring Word wit Professor Foof 3: “PBH” about 10 years ago as a cheap way weird shit, like ‘rulez’ and ‘ethixx’, of getting your festival vibe on, but but these days there’s a lot more has recently been associated with of that stuff and it really kills your feelings of paranoia, nausea, anger buzz. and regret. “I thought PBH would “A lot of the top comedy stars be fun,” said one user. “But It gave have done PBH occasionally me a massive headache that lasted so I thought I’d be almost a month.” okay. But “PBH used to be fairly pure and my mind has If you are involved in comedyness you knew what you were getting. It been totally and you have the intercom socmed has always been mixed with some blown and my pooter apps, then you’ll know that sense of reality this year everyone has been saying PBH is also known skewed. For “Hey! Fringe police! Crack down on by the street names instance, did you the menace of PBH!” , , , , know that ‘free’ PBH, also known by the street “diktat and no . actually means ‘a names ‘diktat’ and ‘no’, was popular bit oppressive’?” ” SC
6 FRINGEPIG ISSUE TWO eatr for Comed Fan
You know that bit of the Fringe programme that looks like it’s full of shows, but they aren’t comedy so you don’t know what they are? Well that’s the Theatre section and those are plays! Plays are like comedy shows, but when they’re not funny it’s not because the actors1 have done something wrong, it’s because it’s drama2 and it’s meant to be serious (sometimes). It can be fun and rewarding, making you laugh and/or cry. Dive in to the world SC of theatre; it’s okay. But don’t heckle, or they’ll throw you out. between stage and auditorium is a putting you in headphones to listen If you’re feeling a bit nervous about jump between worlds, an imagined to characters adapted from Macbeth watching all the acting, adaptations can fourth wall3 separates them and (look at you combining what you’ve be a good place to start. You already lets you look in but doesn’t let them learned so far!) Other shows don’t know how books work, and reading look out. Although in Shakespeare, fully immerse you, but do ask for your is a bit like a play that’s written down sometimes that wall is removed and the input. Tatterdemalion (Assembly) is and acted in your head. Only a theatre actors do talk to you directly. But they physical theatre6, inviting some of the company have read the book for you still don’t expect you to talk back. audience to join in on stage. I’m Doing and will be doing the acting-it-out It’s confusing, but you’ll be focused This For You (Summerhall) is set in part. And, bonus, after the Fringe you on working out what on earth the the very familiar world of a comedy can join a book club and pretend you cast are saying, so you won’t get this gig (still don’t heckle, you shouldn’t be read the texts. If you know and love bit wrong. How you choose your doing that in a comedy show anyway). the story, these plays can be a gentle Shakespeare is up to you, but boy do There’s so much, I can only touch introduction to the theatre world while you have choice. There are at least on enough to get you started and leave still having choice. At this year’s Fringe four takes on Hamlet, three versions you to wander the auditoriums, halls, you can see Frankenstein, The Great of A Midsummer Night’s Dream found spaces7 and occasional ovens of Gatsby and Phillip Pullman’s The one of which (Church Hill Theatre) Edinburgh to find your own theatre Ruby In The Smoke, to name just has Batman in it — that’s not usual by gems. There are shows that mix the three — because you’re a comedy fan the way. There’s only one Much Ado theatrical genres (Yokai at Underbelly and you like things in threes. About Nothing, but it’s outside, so promises theatre, dance, magic, poetry If you’ve checked out an adaptation that’s quite cool, and you’ll have to and utter stupidity) shows that mix and feel confident with this theatre imagine the other three walls as well. metaphors, and shows that mix into viewing thing, why not jump in to one Not all theatre is so passive; you one once you’ve gone crazy seeing all of the biggies of the theatre world? don’t have to sit in the dark with your you can in one day. Hunt out some Shakespeare! And by suspension of disbelief4 keeping you Just like comedy shows, there will be hunt out I mean spin in a circle and in the show’s world. Some shows shows you love and shows that aren’t point at a venue and you’ll have found bring you in, in far more literal ways. to your taste, but don’t be dismissive of some. You may have noticed while Immersive theatre5 invites you to step that whole other brochure section — if watching adaptations that the actors in with both feet (and all of the rest of you try it, you might even like it. don’t acknowledge you, even though you) to join the cast who will interact Amee Smith’s Relax, It’s Not About you are right there in front of them. with you. The show Blood Will Have You is at Underbelly: Daisy at 15.00, In theatre we imagine that the divide Blood (C venues) even uses cool tech, 3-29 Aug (Not 16)
1 Actors: like comedians but won’t listen to you. On or off stage. 5 Immersive Theatre: what happens when the fourth wall falls on 2 Drama: show without jokes, but that’s okay. you! You’ll be fine, just remember the above. 3 Fourth Wall: an imagined wall between stage and auditorium. 6 Physical Theatre: the words are swapped for actions but you still Don’t let it fall on you. know what’s going on. 4 Suspension of Disbelief: going with it even though you know it’s 7 Found Spaces: non-traditional places where theatre happens (not not real. like converting a shed into a Fringe venue, but similar).
FRINGEPIG ISSUE TWO 7 Do’ han aroun wit tw@t. Or friend. M Fring b Is Sutti
Festi-flacid? Fringe-frazzled? We talk to Isy Suttie – comedian, singer, actress, author and Dobby from Peep Show – about her lowest (and funniest) Fringe moments
“I started early with the Fringe. My I was actually really glad of all that tell yourself that there are stakes. dad – Scottish - would bring me because it was a nice distraction. I Just go out there and die and die up when I was 5 or 6 and I saw a was in the Comedy Zone (a mixed and die; it doesn’t matter. Don’t ask lot of kids’ shows. I adored it. As a act show that used to be on each yourself ‘Why am I not on telly?’ teenager I’d come up and stay in year at the Pleasance Courtyard); Find the joy in what you do and youth hostels; I remember buying it wasn’t the right show for me. why you do it. Talk to your friends one baguette from Gregg’s every It started at 10.20 and was full of morning that would have to last the stags and hens and drunks. Every whole day so I could save my money evening I’d walk to the gig like I for shows. was in a f*cking dream. I had an “When you’re up here, the MP3 player but I didn’t know how Fringe is everything. It’s so hard to put music on it, so all it had was
sometimes but you have to have as three Kraftwerk tracks and Happy STEVE ULLATHORNE PHOTO: much fun as possible. And don’t Birthday by Stevie Wonder. So hang around with tw@ts. It’s very every night I’d walk there, listening easy to end up talking to tw@ts to those same four songs, going because there are a lot of people ‘What am I doing? How is this up here playing mind games. It’s helping?’ But I guess it did, because the best and the worst place in the the next year I did the show I world, the Fringe. It’s a seductive, wanted to do. You realise you glittering, hellish maze. A labyrinth don’t have to compromise or do that you keep going round and what people offer you. It’s the round. Like a shit computer game Fringe and you can do whatever where you keep getting extra lives you want.” but don’t want them. “In 2008 I didn’t like my “In 2005 I was staying in a flat in show. It was unadventurous; the Hunter Square with Josie [Long] left-over bits from the previous and Danielle [Ward]. My room had year. Because of course when no windows; I got ill in there and you have a good year you want slept in Josie’s bed for the last week, to build on it. But really, no… and her window had a bloody piper you need to take your time. If under it. The washing machine you’re in ‘the arts’ you have to tell flooded the flat and Danielle was yourself that it doesn’t matter too washing her clothes in the bath and much; there are no stakes. Don’t
8 FRINGEPIG ISSUE TWO about their material. Get pissed Dont tell yourself know where you’re at and you won’t with them. The camaraderie is have to explain yourself. everything. that there are stakes. “I guess my advice to performers “You realise that at the Fringe. “There are none. having a difficult run is: watch When it’s near the end and you’ve the news. Buy a newspaper. See been keeping yourself alive on something weird to jump-start your minimum sleep and a diet of nights! Sitting out there, trying” to system. And if you’re a comedian, ibuprofen and cider, a friend smile along… go and see something that isn’t you used to go to school with or “You have to talk to them comedy. Go and see a student something will show up, all smiling afterwards. And you think ‘35 play about racism or candy floss – Festi-flacid? Fringe-frazzled? We talk to Isy Suttie – comedian, singer, actress, author with lovely clean shiny hair, and minutes might be okay for this, we there’s literally something about and Dobby from Peep Show – about her lowest (and funniest) Fringe moments they’ll be all ‘come on, show me should set a timer and talk for 35 everything going on up here.” the Fringe!’ And you’ll be thinking minutes and then say goodbye.’ Isy Suttie’s debut ‘No, f ck off.’ Because they’ll say But then you order a pint and it * book, The Actual One: things like ‘Come on, you’re only drags on and you admit to them How I tried, and failed, working for an hour every day!’ you’re not having a good time and to remain twenty- And you want to say ‘Yeah but the whole pretending-thing slips something for ever, anyone can come. Anyone can walk and you’re stuck with them. But is available now from out. Anything can happen. There even when you’re in a bad mood bookshops and (if you are critics, drunks, hecklers, and you want to go out drinking with must) Amazon. friends like you turning up on bad another performer. Because they’ll PHOTO: STEVE ULLATHORNE STEVE ULLATHORNE PHOTO:
FRINGEPIG ISSUE TWO 9 M an m flyin toile You might think it’s a difficult life being a press critic. You have to wear a Top critics show us lanyard. You have to spend literally minutes typing up your reports every their state-of-the-art evening. You have to look at yourself in the mirror. But you may not know that the job also involves flying over Edinburgh on a magical toilet, busily critical crap machines pooing on people’s dreams! Fringepig has spoken to three top critics about the state-of-the-art critical conveniences that help them deliver lofty, messy judgment on Fringe perormers.
Kat Copstic¡’ Shitemoor 500
“My Shitemoore has been with me through thick and thin. It’s old, it’s knackered and it’s not very nice to look at but, wow, did it deliver a payload back in the day. I remember back in 2006 when I dropped a truthbomb on a young three- hander: ‘I’d rather eat my own ovaries than watch another minute of their comedy,’ I said… well, the blast nearly ripped the wings off and the fallout made me slightly radioactive for years after. How I laughed! Recently I’ve taken the Shitemoore on some slightly misjudged missions; we took a lot of flak while I was out strafing some provocatively-dressed rape victims two years ago. So these days I mostly use the Shitemoore to deliver aid ablutions to struggling Free Fringe acts in conjunction with my charity event Kate And Some Bloke Who Knew Malcolm Hardy Talk About a Festival They No Longer Entirely Understand. The Duxford Fringe Critics Flying Toilet Museum has offered me ten grand for the Shitemoore, but I think I’ll keep it for a bit. There’s always someone who needs to cop an earful!”
10 FRINGEPIG ISSUE TWO Bria Loga’ Sturmokrapvi¡ JS-19
“Not only does the Sturmokrapvik look great, but it was made in the former Soviet Union by arrested comedian dissidents on a forced labour camp. So I like to think that the tears and suffering of those who do THE SORT OF COMEDY I HATE are well and truly built into its mainframe. The best thing about the Sturmokrapovik is that, though it’s getting on a bit now, it can be airborne at a moment’s notice. So if any comedian, anywhere on the Fringe, suggests that capitalism might be a good thing, or that socialism doesn’t necessarily end all racial prejudice, I can BW be there letting rip all over their hopes of wider recognition. The Sturmokrapovic nearly fell apart from air fatigue lately while I was dropping hundreds of ten-pounders on Jack Whitehall: he was out in the open, being all appallingly unashamed of his middle-classness. I just couldn’t get him to stop. My toilet has six stars on its airframe — which is the Let rip all over their hopes rating I would give if I could review the Stalinist purges.” “of wider recognition!
Lewi Porteou’ Guanoba K-6000
“While a lot of my fellow critics prefer speed and delivery, to me it’s a lot more about style. I like to creep up on people. I like them to hear the grating scrape of my wings like a swinging gallows cage; my pistons popping like the joints of a prisoner on the rack. So when a comedian is standing there, foolishly doing his ‘jokes’ and making people ‘laugh’ in the insane and mistaken belief that this is a worthwhile thing to do, I want the wretched animal to hear me first and then see me emerging, as inevitable and unreasoning as death, through the mists of their fevered Fringe hopes. Lately I’ve been hitting the wrong targets because of my penchant for seeing the Fringe through brown-tinted goggles, but I find that any other sort of eyewear brings on a horrible flood of endorphins and makes me feel things.”
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FRINGEPIG ISSUE TWO 13 Circui Bunn’ adventure continu n« Fring!
332-page digital compendium of the cult comedy mag for only £9 at mustardweb.org/digital
14 FRINGEPIG ISSUE TWO AM More of this sort of thing at mustardweb.org at thing of sort this of More
FRINGEPIG ISSUE TWO 15 “Le’ sel¬ thi gi ou!” Michael Legge urges us to give each of these great comics a crowd surge. We’ll be at these shows at these times... come with us!
18t Fr´ 19t Sa 20t Su 21s
Davi Longle: Al«ander Bennet: AAA Stan Up Gavi Weµter: Everythin I Hat Your Belove Pleasanc C’yar, 19:15 Jesu Chris’ Abou M Club Se Al«ander Bennet @TwaynaMayne Window Cleaner Now @RobMulholland Stan 4, 20:15 PBH@Cowgatehea, @FailingHuman Stan 2, 19:10 @DavidL0NGLEY 19:30 You can’t do the Fringe @TheGavinWebster A phenomenon. I’ve seen @AlexyBennett without seeing one stand- I never miss any of Gavin’s him turn rowdy stag groups Very funny indeed. Very silly up comedy package show. shows and he’s never, ever into well behaved charity and satirical. Just bloody I recommend this one for anything less than brilliant. workers, so surely he can very good. So very go and Twayna Mayne alone. Don’t Treat yourself and see this turn Fringe audiences into see him or you’ll look very really know the other guys show. Fuck knows you screaming louts. Let’s go and stupid. VERY stupid. but she’s one of the best deserve it. see. He’s utterly hilarious. stand-ups I’ve seen in years.
Mo 22n Tu 23r We 24t 25t
L¶ Susa: Wil¬ Dugga: Daphn’ Jorda Brooke: Cr¶ S« Foo¬ A Ma Gatherin Secon Show Makin Of Pleasanc C’yar, 19:15 ·s Pleasanc Courtyar, Laughin Hors @ComedySusan Pleasanc Courtyar, 17:45 an 22:45 @ Cellar Monke, Brilliant sketch comedy from 18:45 @DaphneComedy 17:00 FREE two very talented people. @WillDuggan I’ve not seen Daphne yet but @JordBrookes Plus they named their show I’m really looking forward to I’m very keen to. Phil Wang One of my very favourite (sort of) after one of my Will’s debut hour. If Will is is superb though. Phil Wang acts right now. He won a big favourite albums. I think half as funny as he is in Phil is very funny and clever and award this year too but don’t they might be really cool but Ellis’ Funz N’ Gamez, then I young and brilliant. Phil let that put you off. He’s I still like them. suppose that’ll be fine. Wang is in Daphne. great.
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Alfi Brow: Eleanor Morto: Lloy Langfor: Nothin Scissor Happ Birthda Rasca¬ Nowher, Never Laughin Hors@ Cit Kati Lewi! Laughin Hors If you’re a comedian who’s Caf¼, 15:00 FREE Stan 4, 14:25 @ Whit Hors, 21:15 stupid enough to do a show @ABrownComic @EleanorMorton FREE on the last Monday of the Fringe, you get what you I like Alfie a lot. The great One of my very favourites What a way to end your deserve. Tw*t. thing is, he’s unpredictable. of last year. Perfect, strong, Fringe. One of the very best You might spend the hour very witty character comedy. standups in the country. laughing or drowning in fire. Eleanor is fearless. Everyone He’s a charming treat. And Probably the former though. see her show, please. it’s a free show! Hooray!
·rs dra½ cha-up line 1. You look so good I want to tattoo your face onto my face. 2.. You’re giving me a raging heart-on. 3.. You smell better than the best toilet I’ve ever been in. 4.. If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d put ‘U’ and ‘I’ together... although that would mean a total teardown of the English language, cause widespread confusion and thoroughly ruin the lives of anyone who relies on the alphabet for their profession, such as librarians, filing clerks or nursery school teachers. 5.. Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven? I’m guessing it did by your horribly misshapen head.
DB
FRINGEPIG ISSUE TWO 17 18 FRINGEPIG ISSUE TWO Fring Word wit Professor Foof 4: “ Monda” Miranda Hart and Tom Ellis from I’ll stay here by myself and do the Miranda that was so excruciatingly Monday”; “Can you please stop bad STV wouldn’t buy it and dismantling my venue? YOU told nobody in Scotland had to watch it me to do the Monday!” (“Bloody hell, no tuition fees and The Monday is when done-and- you avoided this?” — an English dusted performer friends may person.) finally honour their promise to Anyway, in Edinburgh during come and see your show, August Monday Monday or ‘the shining like a Monday’ is the final, addendum, wan light in a vestigial tail-end final day of Fringe sea of salty tears Ah, Monday Monday. A song about performance as practised by the and windblown how you ‘can’t trust that day’ by the Pleasance and a couple of others flyers. But if Mama’s and the Papa’s (yes they but eschewed by everyone else. they’ve waited had grocer’s apostrophes in their “I’d love to come home and have ‘til The Monday, band name, the peasants). Also the a bath but I have to do the Monday” are they really your
SC title of a 2009 ITV sitcom starring “Oh goodbye then everyone else, friends?
FRINGEPIG ISSUE TWO 19 ONE-DAY TIMETABLES Do’ mistak thi guid for ha Immerse yourself in absurdism for the day. Holly Burn tells you how.
Start your surreal day normally – with Stupid. Alternatively, go for Marny Famous Speigletent. Good old breakfast. I mostly dine at the Fourth Godden, 15:00, Heroes at the Hive. Munners. He’s Mr Captain Doctor; The Floor, Harvey Nichols on St Andrew’s She spends the entire show looking for Guv’nor Surreal Esq, and he’s on with all Square when I’m in Edinburgh as it a missing porridge bowl, which I’m sure the old faves. HEART HEART HEART. really gives you a wide berth from… well counts as surreal. Dressed as Moses. Dinnertime: Bit far from Harvey everybody. Then trot along to Adam Yelling about crockery. You’ll love it. Nickeypops, so try Ting Thai Larter’s Return on Investment, Bob has a bit of a monopoly on strange Caravan, 8-9 Teviot Place: Delicious, 12.50 at Heroes at The Hive. It’s this year – on another day try Michael no-frills, street-food Thai restaurant. about a business in the 1980s - the Brunström’s, The Hay Wain Eat quickly and leave room for Spencer corporate stationery world to be precise. Reloaded, Heroes @ Dragonfly, Jones Presents The Herbert in It’s (probably) talking staplers having 18:00, an entire show about Constable’s Eggy Bagel, Heroes @ The Hive, affairs with the paperclip from the Word painting. For now, stay at The Hive for 19.50. A story about wheelbarrows, document while the elastic band cries Ed Aczel’s Foreign Policy, 16:20. dads, evil water and eating too much in the corner – think Wall Street a la Eddy Baby is on about the “current chocolate. Hobby Craft. global maelstrom and predicts an Round off the evening with top Next comes lunch. Harvey Nicks? – apocalypse”. He might have been onto drawer bonkers Alan Cumming seriously it’s the only place to go. Then, something when he wrote the copy pre- Sings Sappy Songs, 22:30, The if you have kids, or if you just like your Brexit, but now I think apocalypse is a Hub. Yep, you heard! Just imagine. humor really silly, you can’t beat The given. He’ll have a flip chart. Holly Burn: I Am Special is a bit Listies 6D (Twice as Good as 3D) Leg it to Simon Munnery and surreal and is on at Underbelly: 14:45 Assembly Roxy. Rated S for Friends: 30 Not Out, 18:45 at The Buttercup At 18.55, 3-28 Aug (Not 15) Blu ¾nda Join Derwent Cyzinski for a day of existential tragi-comic theatre. Or don’t. Whatevs.
Start with breakfast at the Community Time to hate your body (a bit) with Stroll on down to the Grassmarket Project on Candlemaker Row. It gives a burger from the Wee Burger now because at 20:15 Christian Talbot employment to vulnerable adults, so you Company, 4 Nicholson Street. Have monodramas his socks off in Every can at least feel positive about that. one of their ice cream shakes. It’s fine, Day I wake Up Hopeful, a comic You’re a short walk from Merchant we’re doing a LOT of walking. gem about the dying of the light of youth Street where you’ll findParadise at the Now get back to Potterow and the and opportunity. Vault, and at 11:35 (from 23rd) it hosts studious sanctuary of the Gilded You’re in Grassmarket, so go to the The Glummer Twins. They’ve been Balloon Museum for 16:30. If you Mussel and Steak House. You’ll going for 30 years, so it’s already quite follow @proresting on Twitter you’ll have to wait around drinking gin and sad if you’ve never heard of them. Poetry know about Casting Call Woe: tales tonics until they can seat you, but you’ll from the beat generation, this is very of coping with the shamelessly sexist have time to eat and then pop back to dour and very Northern (well, South of and humiliating ‘opportunities’ offered Greenside on Infirmary Street where here but you know what I mean). by casting directors. Will suit large- we’ll end our busy day at 23:10 with Now slog over to the Pleasance breasted woman willing to be scurried something absolutely bonkers. Juice Courtyard for 13:00. Since Willis over by rats. (And everyone else). Straws Are Bleak is the story of, Hall wrote The Long and the Short and Now… are you in Edinburgh as a among other things, a plastic bag who the Tall in 1959 the soldier’s play has shameless tourist? Then go and see likes punk rock… all set in a dystopian tugged on the heartstrings of British Trainspotting, Irvine Welsh’s culture- primary school. Now go to bed and have theatre. Dropped promises a similar shock play (as t’was), set in Leith before fretful, existential dreams. level of tension and dark reflection, but it got all bistro and the people who talk Derwent Cyzinski is a stuffed-toy the soldiers here are Australian. And to themselves got packed off to Niddrie. Fringepig reviewer-reviewer who women. I would have called this play It’s on at 18:00 on 17, 18, 22, 24, 25 enjoys model trains, poetry slams, War Sheilas, but then I am a total dick. and 29 (other days different times) yoghurt and historical pornography
20 FRINGEPIG ISSUE TWO ONE-DAY TIMETABLES Deadl femm brac Martin Walker, a fan of the female double act, offers a full day of favourites
You’re going to need a healthy breakfast Sometimes this happens because acts stags, hens, sports fans and other first, so pop in to C in Adam House on are good. characters all intent on demanding Chambers Street for a large bloody Mary Show over, you have an hour to Billy Connolly come on next. Happily, and a cake. Seems like everybody has a retrace your steps and get to the PBH flatmates Charlotte Michael and Lucy lanyard around their neck this year. If venue T-Bar, also known as ‘The Tank’. Roper can handle themselves. Their you’re got one, wear it — they’ll assume Despite scurrilous rumour, there is show, Michael and Roper: Three’s you’re staff and give you a discount. no block on audience members seeing a Crowd, Four’s an Audience Then head round the corner and see Peter’s shows if they’ve ever entered any commences at 19:15pm and takes a Help at Just the Tonic @ The Mash another building ever, and you can stop self-deprecating look at the Fringe and House at 11:45. Nina Millns and off for a coffee at the aforementioned themselves. Just joyous. Sophie Morgan-Price are the character- BlundaBus, if Bob has run out of beer. Now for he Pleasance Courtyard, based double act, ‘Bae’. In Help they He may send you to the shop to get where they observe antiquated theatrical lampoon the self-help industry and its milk. And some beer. traditions like buying a ticket. Pop into gurus. Namaste and all that. Funny stuff. At the T-Bar you’ll find Rachel the Pie Maker on South Bridge on your Time for lunch. Take a walk up West Watkeys Dowie and Ruby Clyde — the way over: a ‘modest pie shop with an College Street and enter the Pleasance sketch double act Shelf. They start extensive menu’. Dome. You’ll find a bar with some making you laugh at 16:45pm. They’re You’ll have a bit of time to kill, relatively inexpensive hot grub. not in the Fringe programme but these and enjoying a couple of pints in the Once nourished, run the gauntlet of young women are certain – hack alert! – Courtyard is as good a way of hanging flyerers (be nice!) and head directly ‘stars of the future’. out as any. Before you know it it’s 22:45 towards the Underbelly’s upside Not far from the T-Bar is the Free – time for Katie Norris and Sinead down cow @ George Square is Sisters, run by the jovial Alex Petty. Like Parker in Norris & Parker: See You where you’ll find Hannah Croft and PBH, he doesn’t care where you’ve been at the Gallows. I’ve interviewed them Fiona Pearce performing their sketch and judging by some of the punters in and they’re hilarious. show, Croft & Pearce Are Not the bar, neither does security. To give it Martin Walker is the comedy editor Themselves at 14:40. They’ve had its correct name, The Three Sisters at Broadway Baby and runs fledgling good reviews. They’ve had full houses. is a busy drinking shop which attracts live comedy site onthemic.co.uk
Solipsis wrestler Manl thing I hav ye t d 1. Crawl through an air duct. 8. Yell “take the wheel!” at a 2. Outrun a fireball. passenger. 3. Reload a gun before the 9. Punch a hole spent cartridge hits the floor. through a wall 4. Throw a sheriff’s badge into next to the the sand. person’s head I’d really like to punch 5. Hurl a man into a jet but it goes against engine. my strict moral 6. Eat a peach with a dagger. code to do so. 7. Throw some dog tags into 10. Exercise. the sea . DB DB
FRINGEPIG ISSUE TWO 21 AM & AW
22 FRINGEPIG ISSUE TWO Get a FREE book of these at
Ba Ending www.bussellbooks.com A serie of tale tha do’ en wel¬
Suicid Chi¿
“ he numbers are out of face that he didn’t have the blog,” she went on, “the one and prepared to reward control,” she told him, slightest idea where she was detailing your average-sized him handsomely for his Tspeaking of the recent headed. collection of pylon postcards. cooperation. He wavered spike of suicides. “We’re AB“What we need to do,” It was from there that we briefly on the decision witnessing an acceleration she clarified, “is to rob discovered the rest of your to take his own life, then in fatality rates the likes of suicide of its cool. To make imitable lack of qualities. realised that the money she which we’ve never seen, and it unfashionable. And that’s Your unwillingness to try was offering would make for something needs to be done where you come in.” new things. Your steadfast a very sensible investment in about it.” No, he definitely hadn’t lack of opinion. Your a low risk ISA. Quite why he’d been seen that coming. fondness for bookmarks.” The next day he wrote summoned to a Government “We set out to find the a suicide note that read office to watch a PowerPoint simply ‘Bye,’ then made presentation on suicide We need to make suicide his way to Hornsey Lane control he was unsure of at Bridge (the top Bing hit for this point. Though certainly uncool and unfashionable. suicide bridges). There he he sympathised with the , y stepped over its edge and issue, what did it have to “That s where ou come in. into oncoming traffic with a do with him, a middle aged resounding lack of flair. Compliance Advice Manager Unfortunately he landed for a high street bank? least fashionable person It was true, he did” like on the roof of a car being “The trouble,” the lady in the UK,” she went on. bookmarks, though not driven by journalist and said, advancing to the next “Someone so uncommonly overwhelmingly so. television host, Piers slide, “is that the dead have insipid that the mere “You, sir, are a mundane, Morgan. all the best people: the mention of their name would humourless dud of a man. The resulting impact Cobains, the Joplins, the strike tedium into the hearts A long phone call to tech killed them both and earned Hendrixes. The living, on of men. Someone so mind- support. A visit to a clothes him untold posthumous the other hand, get Chris numbingly prosaic that any peg museum. A car park accolades, including the Martin, Donald Trump association they shared given human form. You are number one spot of Time and Simon bloody Cowell. with a trend would result exactly what we need to magazine’s Most Influential Pardon my language,” she in its immediate societal buck the suicide trend, and People list, inclusion to warned him, “but the dead rejection.” all we need from you is one that year’s Who’s Who and are kicking our arses.” Could she really be thing. We need you to kill a standing ovation on both She stepped away from talking about him? Because yourself.” sides of the Atlantic. the projector and took a seat if she were, she’d soon be He might have taken that The strategy had backfired opposite him. “Thankfully,” reading a very lengthy and last part for a joke if jokes spectacularly. Suicide was she said, “we’ve arrived at uninspiring complaint on were the sort of thing he to become more popular a strategy to combat the the matter. understood. She wasn’t than ever. The new selfie. problem.” “You first came to our joking though; in fact The ultimate ice bucket It was obvious from his attention through your she was perfectly serious challenge.
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