Healing for the Wounded Heart Curriculum
www.freedomforgirls.org
Rapha House in Cambodia provides shelter and care for girls who have survived human trafficking and the sex trade. The “Healing for the Wounded Heart” program was developed to help these girls with their emotional and spiritual recovery. The women that you work with may not have experienced sexual slavery, but they know what it’s like to be prisoners of dysfunctional families or relationships. And they know what it’s like to be prisonsers of their own guilt and shame. All abuse wounds the heart, whether it involves a single incidence or sexual enslavement. And the road to healing and recovery covers the same territory regardless of a person’s experience. Adapt this program to meet the needs of the women with whom you’re working. And pray for the healing of wounded hearts.
Acknowledgements
Many people and organizations deserve to be recognized for their contribution to this project. But I especially want to single out the following for special thanks: • Stephanie Freed, USA Director of Rapha House. Thank you for displaying your confidence in me by asking me to develop this program. • Lisa Willmon, Marriage and Family Therapist. Your experience in counseling survivors and your contributions in writing have made this project better than anything I could have done solo. • Carolyn Lewis-Lugan. You are a courageous survivor. And your perspectives helped me better understand the devastation of abuse and the surpassing healing power of God. • Cathy Taylor. Thank you for sharing your story with me and allowing me to play a part in your healing and recovery. And thank you for your multi- faceted help and tireless support with this project. • Laureen Young. Thank you for the fun and creative contribution of Session 16. • The people at Pathway Christian Church. You have not only been an invaluable support to me over the years and throughout this project, but you also have provided me with many opportunities to better understand the road to healing and recovery. You’re a small church with a big heart. • The girls and staff of Rapha House. You are simply amazing. • My wife, Janice. You, more than anyone else, have helped me to discover the beauty and mystery of the woman’s soul. You are truly a gift from God.
Kerry Decker Riverside, CA January 2007
Contents
Group Structure ...... 3 Group Guidelines ...... 4 Session 1: My Family Portrait ...... 5 Session 2: My Family Memories...... 9 Session 3: Crystal’s Story ...... 13 Session 4: Crystal’s Letter...... 19 Session 5: My Different Feelings ...... 25 Session 6: Honoring What Has Happened to You ...... 41 Session 7: Strong and Scary Feelings ...... 47 Session 8: Damaged Goods ...... 55 Session 9: What About God? ...... 61 Session 10: My Value and Worth...... 69 Session 11: God’s Great Love for You ...... 83 Session 12: The Stormy Umbrella ...... 93 Session 13: Honesty: An Essential Ingredient for Healing...... 101 Session 14: Making Your Case: Private Meetings ...... 107 Session 15: Making Your Case: Group Meetings ...... 125 Session 16: Recovery Celebration Parties...... 129 Session 17: What About Forgiveness?...... 133 Session 18: Freedom Through Forgiveness ...... 141 Session 19: Wisdom In Forgiving...... 147 Session 20: Steps in Forgiving ...... 157 Session 21: The Ceremony of the Water Glasses ...... 167 Session 22: Recovery Celebration Parties...... 177 Session 23: Understanding Your Sexuality ...... 181 Session 24: Sex and the Bible ...... 191 Session 25: Successfully Failing...... 197 Session 26: Taking the Next Steps ...... 205
Leader’s Guide
Course Objective: Girls who complete this course will experience healing by making “The Story of My Life” book and telling that story to others in safe settings with counselors and fellow survivors.
Leader’s Note Throughout this course, you’ll find useful information in working with survivors of sexual abuse. This information is meant to improve your understanding in helping survivors.
Before beginning, remember these important rules while working with survivors: 1) Do no harm. The promise that Western doctors make when becoming physicians says that when treating people they’ll do no harm. The same concern should guide those who help with the emotional healing of others. It’s our goal to create a program that will help with the healing of others and never to cause them more harm. May God grant us wisdom to be tools of His grace. 2) Have compassion. Remember that pain is personal. Someone else may have suffered a more serious injury and appears to be recovering quicker. Not everyone in recovery will progress at the same rate. RECOVERY IS NOT A RACE. Each girl must be given the freedom to travel this pathway at her own speed. Remind participants that anytime they need to take a break during group meetings, they can. And if a girl needs to stop coming to meetings, she should be given that freedom. 3) Be flexible. Nobody works through the recovery process in exactly the same way. Some may mainly feel anger. Others may be filled with shame. Still others may act like their abuse is completely a thing of the past and no longer bothers them. Use these resources in whatever way best helps the survivors with whom you work. And remember: You don’t have to complete a session each week. Move at a pace that the girls find to be comfortable.
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4) Pray. We make no claims that any book or course guarantees healing. Healing is the work of God. The best any leader can hope for is to be used by God to accomplish His work in the lives of others. For that reason, you must pray about this process. Pray for wisdom. Pray for each girl with whom you work. Pray for their insight, growth, and healing. And pray that God will be glorified. 5) Encourage telling the truth. Remind the girls that all truth is okay to share, even unpleasant truth. The girls must be allowed to share their thoughts, feelings, and experiences without judgment or shame, including their negative thoughts about God. This program is designed to be used by groups but can be adapted for working one-on-one.
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Group Structure
Ministry Purpose The purpose of this ministry is to build a culture of emotional and spiritual healing throughout your group, the Christian church, and society.
Group Structure
• Groups should be limited in size to no more than 6 or 8 girls each.
• Meetings should be conducted weekly at a regular time and place.
• While the curriculum contains individual sessions, it is NOT necessary to complete one session at each meeting. Go at a pace that serves the healing of the members of the group.
• Group integrity must be preserved. Dropouts are permitted. But additions to the group are prohibited. Dropouts seeking re-entry are permitted under certain conditions.
• Before rejoining a group, dropouts must meet with a group leader one-on-one to complete the materials that they have missed. Upon approval by the group leader and with permission of the group, dropouts may rejoin the same group. Otherwise, dropouts must restart with a new group when it begins.
• Different groups may meet at different days or times during the week. One group does not have to finish the curriculum before another group starts.
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Group Guidelines
Read these guidelines every time the group meets. They are designed to keep the group safe. The members of your group depend on you to protect them and enforce these guidelines. 1) What is shared in the group stays in the group. We do not discuss what happens in our group with others outside our group. It can be very hurtful to discover that what was shared in the group is being discussed outside the group. Our group must be a safe place where people can share their deepest secrets and true feelings. 2) No interruptions are allowed. When someone is sharing her thoughts, others must wait their turn to speak. We will not interrupt each other by asking questions or making comments. After someone has shared, we will not compare our problems to hers, comment on what she has said, or offer her advice. We must be careful not to offend others and make it so they do not want to return to the group. 3) We are here to be a support to each other and not to fix each other. So we do not give advice or counsel. We may have good intentions, but some people may not want or be ready for advice. 4) Keep your sharing focused on your own thoughts and feelings. Use “I” statements, not “you” statements. By focusing on our own thoughts and feelings, we avoid talking about others and getting off the subject. 5) If at anytime you feel too overwhelmed by the meeting, you can take a break. One of the group leaders or a designated group member will be available to sit with you. 6) We will not harm others or ourselves in any way. Rapha House is a place of healing. Here we learn positive ways of coping with our negative feelings. If you ever feel suicidal, you will tell one of the Rapha House counselors about your feelings.
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Session 1: My Family Portrait
Purpose This session helps the survivor of abuse to explore the life that she had before being abused. As a leader, you will help survivors to think about their families.
Goals In this session the girls will… • Identify the different relationships within their families • Consider how these relationships have influenced them
Materials Needed “My Family Portrait” worksheet [1.1] Decorative portfolios or three-ring notebooks Art supplies
Lesson Tell the girls about “The Story of My Life” book project by saying: One of our goals in meeting together is for you to make a special book that tells the story of your life. You can decorate this book any way you want. Don’t worry about what you’ll put in your book. When our group meets, you’ll be given different pages that you can add to your books. As you make your books, it’s important to tell your story as truthfully as you can. That includes the happy and sad parts and the good and bad parts. Let’s begin by making the covers of our books. Show the girls the covers for their books. Display a few decorated sample covers. Allow enough time for the girls to decorate the covers of their books. Select a few girls to show their covers to the group. Be sure to praise their efforts. Next, give each girl a copy of the “My Family Portrait” worksheet [1.1]. Instruct the girls to draw a “My Family Portrait” picture of their families with them in it. Tell the girls that artistic talent is not an issue.
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Leader’s Note Some girls may not want to draw a picture. Have them make some design that represents their family. They can be as abstract as they want. They may want to use pictures from magazines, pieces of paper, scraps of materials, or other objects they can find. Encourage them to include themselves in the finished product.
Again, ask some of the girls to show their pictures to the group. Be sure to praise their efforts. When the girls share their pictures with the group, you may want to use the following comments and questions to encourage them to talk about their families: • Tell us about what you have drawn. • Talk a little about your family. What was it like? • Tell a little about each person. (What were your mom and dad like? What were your brothers and sisters like?) • Whom do you think you are most similar to in your family? Why? • Whom do you think you are most different from in your family? Why? Tell the girls to add their “My Family Portrait” page to their “The Story of My Life” books. End the session in prayer.
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Session 2: My Family Memories
Purpose This session helps the survivor of abuse to explore what her life was like before being abused. As a leader, you will help survivors to recall their memories about their family members.
Goals In this session the girls will… • Gain the understanding that their family life before being sold into slavery was not perfect • Identify some of the losses that they experienced in their families
Materials Needed “My Family “Memories” worksheet (one for each family member) [2.1] Art supplies
Lesson Give the girls copies of the “My Family “Memories” worksheet [2.1]. Each girl should have enough copies for each family member in her family. Tell the girls to write the name or make a picture or symbol of each family member in the space provided on the “My Family “Memories” worksheet. Tell them that artistic talent is not important. Ask them to write, draw, or design on the left side of the page at least three of their best memories that they have of that person. Have them circle or mark the very best memory of that person. It’s okay if they cannot choose one or if they do not have any good memories of a family member. But let her know that any time she remembers something, she can add it to her “My Family “Memories” worksheet for that person. Next, ask them to write, draw, or design on the right side of the page at least one or two of the worst memories they have of that person. Have them circle or mark their very worst memory of that person. Again, it’s okay If any girl cannot recall a bad memory of a particular family member. But let her know that any time she remembers something, she can add it to her “My Family “Memories” worksheet for that person.
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While respecting the comfort level of the girls in the group, explore some of the memories that they have of their family members. You may want to use the following comments and questions to encourage group members to talk about their family memories: • Can you tell me a little more about some of your memories? • What do you remember most? • How did you feel? (Be kind, and respect the girls as they share their memories.) • Can you share the worst of your worst memories about your family? (Allow the girls to share at the level they are comfortable.) Tell the girls to add their “My Family “Memories” worksheets to their “The Story of My Life” books. End the session in prayer.
Leader’s Note
Dissociation: One Way Survivors of Abuse Escape from Pain Dissociation is the name of the experience that victims of abuse often use to cope with abuse. In her book “Trauma and Recovery,” Dr. Judith Herman refers to dissociation as the “mental escape at the moment when no other escape is possible” (239). Some survivors of abuse talk about the experience of leaving their bodies behind while being abused. Others find themselves escaping into fantasy worlds. While still others may concentrate so much on patterns on the floor, ceiling, or surrounding environment that they disconnect from what is happening to them. Sometimes survivors learn to escape like this so they can survive. This helps them to avoid the feelings that they did not want to feel. This may help someone survive, but it actually hinders recovery. To help girls heal, you must let them feel unwanted feelings. You might want to learn more about dissociation. But for now, we offer the following way to help survivors face their unwanted feelings that will come as they work through these lessons: Have them imagine that their feet are giant magnets that keep them attached to the floor whenever they feel like dissociating during the group. These magnets don’t let them float away to the ceiling or be absorbed in the walls. And they keep them present in the group and prevent them from escaping to any fantasy world. While this technique may be helpful in keeping survivors present in the group and facing their feelings, you must always respect a girl’s capacity to deal with her feelings. Respect each girl’s comfort level.
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Session 3: Crystal’s Story
Purpose This session helps the survivor of abuse to understand that other girls have faced similar abuse and felt similar feelings from being abused. As a leader, you will help the girls to begin to face their own experience of abuse.
Goals In this session the girls will… • Realize that other girls have faced similar abuse and felt similar feelings from being abused • Begin to identify the basic outlines of their stories
Materials Needed “Crystal’s Story” [3.1] “My Story” worksheet [3.2] Art supplies
Leader’s Note Probably most of the survivors that you work with are not victims of human trafficking. Still, they know what it’s like to be held prisoner. They may know what it’s like to be a prisoner in the families where they grew up with abusive relationships. They may know what it’s like to be trapped in other abusive relationships. They probably know what it’s like to be a prisoner of guilt and shame. The slavery-freedom motif can serve as a metaphor for participants to talk about their experience of abuse.
Lesson Begin this session by saying: Other girls have faced some of the same things that you have. Other girls have felt the same feelings that you feel. Your story is your own; but it can be helpful to know that you are not alone in what happened to you and how you feel.
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I want to read to you the story of another girl who was abused. Read aloud “Crystal’s Story” [3.1] to the group. Use the following questions to lead the girls in discussing their experiences of abuse: • How is Crystal’s story like yours? • How is Crystal’s story different from yours? Next, ask them to write, draw, or design on the “My Story” worksheet [3.2] the basic parts of their story. Have them complete each section on the worksheet. Provide additional paper, if needed. Below is a brief description of each section on the worksheet. • At Home: Life with your family and before slavery (abuse). • Slavery: Life as a slave. (Life during abuse.) • Freedom: How you were freed. Or the day when you were set free. (When the abuse stopped.) • Now: What life is like for you now. Tell the girls to add their completed “My Story” pages to their “The Story of My Life” books
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3:1
Crystal’s Story Objective: By listening to this story, survivors will understand that other girls have experienced similar abuse and felt similar feelings from being abused.
Crystal knows that she is different from other girls. Other girls wear cool clothes they buy at popular stores. But Crystal wears a lot of hand-me-downs. Other girls talk about exciting places they get to go on vacation. But Crystal has never even been out of state. Other girls seem to have happy families. But Crystal’s mom drinks. She drinks a lot. Her mom has been married three times. And Crystal’s stepfather Gary yells a lot and acts like a jerk. Her older stepbrother Eddie is really mean to her, too. But the real reason Crystal feels so different from other girls is because of all the stuff that has happened to her. Bad stuff. Crystal knows that she isn’t as pretty as a lot of girls. Her straight brown hair is thin and doesn’t have much style. Her brown eyes look small under her thick glasses. And she has always been self-conscious about her teeth. Her family never could afford braces for her, and some of her teeth are a little crooked. And though Crystal has a pretty smile, she uses her hand to cover it up when others are around. She doesn’t feel as pretty as a lot of girls. Crystal started developing young. And that’s when the bad stuff started happening. She remembers when she was nine. Her mom and stepfather drank a lot and fought even more back then. Sometimes at night, her stepfather would turn up the radio and play heavy metal rock songs and come into her room. She pretended to be asleep, hoping that he would leave her alone. But that never worked. He would come in, pull back the sheets, stroke her hair, and slip his hands under her nightgown to molest her. After what seemed like an eternity, he would leave and close the door behind him.Then he would visit the bathroom.Turn off the radio. Shut out the lights. And go to bed. Always the next day when he saw Crystal, he would say “hi” to her and act like nothing ever happened. Once he came into her room—Crystal was twelve years old then—and he smelled heavily of cigarettes and beer. He got into bed with Crystal and told her how pretty she looked. He went on and on about how much she is starting to look like a woman.Then he raped her. He told her that if she told anyone they would never believe her and he would send her away from the family.The only thing stronger than Crystal’s hatred for Gary was her fear of him. When Crystal was fourteen, her mom wanted Crystal and her stepbrother Eddie to leave the house for the evening. She didn’t say why. She just offered to pay for them to go to the movies and told Eddie that he could drive the family car. Both Crystal and Eddie were excited about getting out of the house for the night. However, what Crystal remembers most about that night was Eddie trying to put his hand up her skirt in the darkened theater. He even rubbed her breast.When she threatened to tell mom, Eddie said that he would tell his dad that she was just trying to get him in trouble because he wouldn’t let her go off with some friends that she met at the theater.The threat of Gary getting involved was enough to keep Crystal quiet. Crystal liked going to school. It got her out of the house. She wasn’t a good student, and some of her friends liked to skip class and smoke dope until school was over. Crystal would sometimes go with them but didn’t get into the habit of doing it because she didn’t want to get in trouble at home. In her senior year, Crystal’s mom divorced Gary. And Crystal was never so happy. Later that year, some of her friends invited her to a party that some college kids were throwing. So she went. She drank too much the
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night she met Dave. He invited her up to his room, and she went. After kissing her, he tried to go further, but she said “no.” He didn’t care. He held her down, saying that he knew she really wanted it, and then he forced himself upon her. Crystal never told anyone about being raped. She blames herself. She thinks that there is something wrong with her that her stepfather, then Eddie, and now Dave would do this to her. She quit hanging out with most of her friends and doesn’t do much of anything. She sleeps a lot and just stays in her room and listens to music…but never heavy metal rock. She feels down most of the time. But after talking with a friend about some of what happened to her, Crystal decided to visit the counselor that her friend recommended. Crystal never misses an appointment with her counselor and likes to write out her thoughts about their sessions so her counselor can read them between meetings. Crystal really wants her life to change. She wants to be happy and find peace.
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Session 4: Crystal’s Letter
Purpose This session helps the survivor of abuse to begin to explore her anger related to her abuse. As a leader, you will help the girls understand ways of thinking about their anger.
Goals In this session the girls will… • Understand some of the typical ways that girls feel following abuse • Explore ways of thinking about anger
Materials Needed “Crystal’s Letter #1” [4.1] “Reply to Crystal #1” [4.2] “My Thoughts and Questions” worksheet [4.3]
Lesson Read “Crystal’s Letter #1” [4.1] to the group. Use the following questions to lead group members in discussing their feelings about their abuse: • Have you ever felt any of these feelings that Crystal felt? Which ones? • What are some other ways that you’ve felt? Read “Reply to Crystal #1” [4.2] to the group. Then say: Dr. Beale writes: “… one of the first steps on this journey is admitting your feelings about what has happened to you.” Ask: “What do you think is the hardest part in facing your feelings about what has happened to you?” Then say: Dr. Beale writes: “You need to know that most people who have experienced abuse feel many of the same things that you do. So you are not alone.” Ask: “In what ways does it help to know others have felt the same feelings that you feel?” Then say:
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Dr. Beale writes: “The goal is to feel anger without becoming an angry person.” Ask: “How do you think this is possible?” Then say: Dr. Beale writes: “You must remember that what happened to you was not your fault. You didn’t deserve to be treated this way.” Ask: “How hard or easy is it for you to believe that what happened to you was not your fault?” Have the participants complete the “My Thoughts and Questions” worksheet [4.3]. For participants whose writing skills are limited have them tell the group leader or a partner in recovery what they want to write in their letters. Tell the girls to add their “My Thoughts and Questions” page to their “The Story of My Life” books. End the session in prayer.
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Crystal Letter #1 Objective: By reading this letter, survivors of abuse will identify some common experiences and feelings associated with abuse.
Dear Dr. Beale, Thank you for talking with me about what happened to me. Sometimes it’s hard for me to tell you what I’m feeling, so I thought I’d write some of my thoughts in letters. In this letter, I want to tell you some of the things that I feel. For me, there are so many different feelings spinning around in my head that I sometimes think I’m going crazy. Sometimes it’s hard for me to sleep at night. And sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night with nightmares.Will these bad dreams ever stop? Will my head ever quit spinning from all these horrible feelings? I want to know.Will I ever be happy and at peace again? Sometimes I doubt it. I can’t write to you about everything in only one letter. If I tried, it would be too long. But I will try to be as honest as possible in what I write. In this letter, I want to tell you about my anger. I hate, and I mean really hate, my stepfather for doing what he did to me. I hate Eddie for molesting me. And I hate Dave for raping me.They did more than hurt me and do disgusting things to me.They treated me worse than some kind of animal.They acted like I did not exist other than for their pleasure. And I hate them for that. I want to write more. But it’s too hard for me to say anything more right now. I hope you understand. Your friend, Crystal
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4:2
Reply to Crystal #1 Objective: By reading this letter, girls who have been abused will understand that other survivors feel the same way about being abused, and they will begin to learn how to think about their overpowering feelings.
Dear Crystal, I appreciate receiving your letters. I’ll write you my replies, so you can read them between our meetings. First, I want you to know that it takes great courage to write your feelings and thoughts on paper. I know how painful and difficult it is to identify and understand the many different feelings inside of you. I want so much for you to feel happy and at peace. Please know that by writing and talking about your experience, trying to understand what does not seem to be understandable, and beginning to sort out the lies from the truth, you have started on the road to feeling better inside. It’s a worthwhile journey; so don’t stop. As we have already discussed in our visits, one of the first steps on this journey is admitting your feelings about what has happened to you. You need to know that most people who’ve experienced abuse feel many of the same things that you do. So you’re not alone.That’s why I recommended that you attend our group for survivors of abuse. Having other girls to talk with can help you see that you’re not alone in what you feel. Others like you know the feeling of being overwhelmed, feeling bad and empty, experiencing nightmares and just wanting it all to stop. It really helps to share this with others. I’m so proud of you that you could express your anger towards those who deeply violated your body, boundaries, and trust. Anger isn’t bad. It tells us that something bad has happened to us. It can help protect us. And it can lead us towards healing. Anger serves its purposes.The goal is to feel anger without becoming an angry person. When you were young, people you trusted overpowered you.You probably felt helpless and alone. Anger reminds us that though we were violated, we can do something about it.We can seek healing and not let anger overpower us. Your anger is justified.What happened to you was not right.Your anger says that your stepfather, Eddie, and Dave should not have done what they did to you.Their behavior was wrong. You must remember that what happened to you was not your fault.You did not deserve to be treated this way. Anger helps you remember that what happened to you was wrong. And when you’re ready to release your anger and move onto deeper healing, you will.Together we’ll find the way to deeper happiness and peace. For now, I want you to know that what happened to you should never have happened to you. It was wrong for those people to hurt you. It was not your fault. I hope you will continue to write to me about your thoughts and feelings. I’m honored to be a part of your journey. Your friend, Lisa Beale
Healing for the Wounded Heart 22 My Thoughts & Questions
Dear Dr. Beale,
I heard what you wrote to Crystal about facing her feelings and about anger. I wanted to write you and tell you some of my thoughts and ask you some of my questions…
4.3
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Session 5: My Different Feelings
Purpose This session helps the survivor of abuse to begin to identify and manage her feelings. As a leader, you will help the girls learn ways of managing their negative emotions.
Goals In this session the girls will… Identify the various feelings that they feel Learn ways to manage their negative feelings
Materials Needed “My Different Feelings” cards [5.1.1-12] “My Different Feelings” worksheet [5.2] “What Fish Are In Your Basket?” worksheet [5.3] “Ugly Fish on Yellow Plate” [5.4] “Ugly Fish on Red Plate” [5.5] “Powerful Emotions” devotional [5.6]
Lesson Begin this session by saying: “Sometimes it is difficult to name the feelings that we are feeling. But for us to progress in our healing and recovery, we need to feel our feelings and not fear our feelings. It might be helpful to say this aloud.” Lead the girls in saying: “I will feel my feelings and not fear my feelings.” Then say: To help us name our feelings, I will give you another worksheet in a moment. But first, I want to show you some feeling faces cards. Introduce the “My Different Feelings” cards [5.1.1-12] by saying:
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Let’s take a look at each of these feeling faces cards and see if we can guess what feelings they represent. Show the girls the “My Different Feelings” cards one at a time. Let them suggest what feeling each face represents. Realize that some of these drawings are open to interpretation, so acknowledge whatever comments the girls make. Let the girls make their observations, then read aloud the name of the feeling that’s identified with each drawing. Now give each girl a copy of the “My Different Feelings” worksheet [5.2]. Then say: On this worksheet are twelve different faces showing twelve different feelings. We know that there are a lot more feelings than these twelve. But by learning to identify these twelve, we can begin to name our feelings as we feel our feelings. Tell them to add this page to their “The Story of My Life” books. Encourage them to become a “feelings detective.” Whenever they feel a particular feeling encourage them to identify it by naming it. They may even want to draw their own drawings of other feelings that they experience. Or they might want to make their own list of feelings. Distribute copies of the “What Fish Are In Your Basket?” worksheet [5.3].
Leader’s Note Fish are a common food in Cambodia. In this activity, fish are used as a metaphor to help participants talk about their feelings.
Explain this worksheet to the girls by saying: The name of this activity is “What Fish Are In Your Basket?” It is an easy way for us to learn to think about our feelings and how to better manage them. At the top of the worksheet is a “lake” and swimming in it are different feeling faces. We don’t feel all these feelings all the time. But when we do, we carry them around inside of us. That’s when they get into our basket. Instead of carrying these fish around and not knowing what to do with them, I’m going to teach you in four steps what to do with the fish in your basket. Step One—What: First, you have to take some time and ask yourself, “What fish are in my basket?” Maybe by looking at your “My Different Feelings”
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worksheet, you can identify some of the feelings that you are feeling today. Name the feelings that you are carrying around in your basket. This is the first step. Step Two—Where: Ask yourself, “Where did this feeling originate?” Not all fish come from the same place. Some come from the lake. Others from the river. And still others from the ocean. Some feelings come from the good or bad things that happen to you. Some feelings come from what others say or do to you. And some feelings seem to come from nowhere. But even when feelings seem to come from nowhere, there is always a reason why we feel the way we do. Fish just don’t magically appear in our baskets. They come from somewhere. Thinking about where your feelings come from is the second step. Step Three—Who: Ask, “Who really owns this fish?” Step three can be hard to accomplish, but it can really help us to manage our feelings. Imagine two plates setting before you. One represents the fish or feelings that rightfully belong to you. The other represents what others may try to give you but you do not really want. Some feelings belong on our plate, but others do not. Maybe an example can help us understand this better. Suppose a friend asks you to do her a favor. She has a big, ugly fish on her plate. (Show the girls the visual “Ugly Fish on Yellow Plate” [5.4].) And she wants you to do something with her fish. But suppose you don’t feel right about helping her. Let’s say that this fish is something she needs to handle herself, so you tell her “no.” Then your friend gets mad at you. Now you feel badly that she is mad at you. What has happened? (Show participants the visual “Ugly Fish on Red Plate” [5.5].) Now you have the big, ugly fish on your plate. But does it really belong there? No. This big, ugly fish is really your friend’s problem, but you’ve made it your own. What you need to do is respectfully put it back on your friend’s plate (show visual 5.4 again) and refuse to take this big, ugly, stinking fish back on your plate. Step three requires that you sort out what feelings belong to you and which ones do not. Sometimes this is hard to do, but it is worth it. Step Four—How: Ask, “How should I respond to my feelings?” You can always pray and tell God about your feelings. Sometimes it’s helpful to talk to another person about them. Sometimes you might want to write about your feelings. Some of your feelings need to be taken out of your basket and put back into the water. You must release them. And sometimes, you need to confront others directly by respectfully but firmly telling them that you do not want their fish on your plate. There are many good ways of dealing with your bad feelings. However, if you just leave your bad feelings on your plate or in your basket, they’ll start to rot. When they do, they stink and can make you sick. Sometimes they can poison your whole life if you do nothing about them.
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You must learn how to respond to your feelings—both the good and bad ones. This is the fourth step in managing your feelings. Learning to manage your feelings takes a lot of practice. And you’re not always going to get it right. But the more you practice, the better you become at managing your feelings. Learning how to manage your feelings is worth whatever work it takes. Conclude by reading the “Powerful Emotions” devotional [5.6]. Then close in prayer.
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5:6 Powerful Emotions
Powerful emotions can leave us feeling distant from God. When powerful emotions like sadness, fear, guilt, and anger sweep over us, we might feel overwhelmed and that God is nowhere to be found. King David knew these feelings. In Psalm 13, he writes: “How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?” (Psalm 13:2). David felt defeated and distant from God. Sometimes we might feel like David. We might feel defeated and distant from God. When powerful emotions overtake the soul, they crowd out any sense of God’s presence. David knew what to do in such circumstances. He took his experience to God and told Him about it. He prayed to God, even when God didn’t feel close. He says: “Look on me and answer, O Lord my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death; my enemy will say, ‘I have overcome him,’ and my foes will rejoice when I fall” (Psalm 13:3,4). David knew God well and knew that he didn’t have to hide his true feelings from Him. David told God exactly what he was feeling. But David didn’t stop there. Even though David felt abandoned by God, and even though powerful emotions and not God’s presence were what David felt most, David did the one thing that can disarm these emotions and restore peace to life. David chose to trust. He writes: “But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me” (Psalm 13:5,6). Most likely David’s choice to trust in God’s unfailing love didn’t immediately chase away the powerful emotions that had seized his soul. But trust was the only thing that could eventually break the hold of these feelings and set David’s heart free. We cannot prevent powerful emotions from sweeping over us. But we are not left defenseless. We can trust in God’s unfailing love and rejoice in His salvation and goodness. That’s what it means to live by faith. We live by faith, not by sight. —2 Corinthians 5:7
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Session 6: Honoring What Has Happened to You
Purpose This session helps the survivor of abuse to resist the temptation to act like her abuse was not that serious. As a leader, you will encourage the girls to honor what has happened to them and not dismiss it as being insignificant.
Goals In this session the girls will… • Identify the various feelings that they feel • Learn ways to manage their negative feelings
Materials Needed “Stacy Letter #1” [6.1] “Reply to Stacy #1” [6.2] “Truth Flower” worksheet [6.3] Art supplies
Lesson Begin this session by saying: After surviving abuse, we sometimes are tempted to act like what happened to us was not that serious. This approach is common for survivors of abuse. But this approach will not help us heal from our abuse. To heal from abuse, we must not only learn how to feel our feelings but also to acknowledge the truth about what happened to us. In this way, we honor both the truth and ourselves. Read “Stacy’s Letter #1” [6.1] to the group. Use the following comments and questions to lead group members in acknowledging the truth about their abuse: In Stacy’s letter to Dr. Beale, she expresses some doubts about whether she should participate in the recovery group because she was not as severely abused as some of the other girls.
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What would you tell Stacy? Should she quit the group or keep participating? Why? Let participants express their viewpoints without criticism. Guide their discussion. After they’ve had a chance to make their comments, say: Here’s one way to think about this. Suppose you have two friends who have two different types of deadly cancer. And suppose that both forms of cancer are completely treatable. One friend’s cancer is a very aggressive and could kill her quickly. The other friend’s cancer grows slowly but will eventually kill her. Which of your friends should seek treatment? Give the girls the chance to answer. Then say: The answer is that both friends should seek treatment. And that’s true for us regardless of how seriously we were abused. Our abuse may have been very hard on us. Maybe its impact on us is obvious. Or our abuse may have affected us in ways we do not even know. Still we need to seek healing from our abuse. And one of the best places to find that healing is with others who understand what it’s like to be abused. I want to encourage all of you on this path regardless of your experience of abuse. Listen to what Dr. Beale writes to Stacy. Read “Reply to Stacy #1” [6.2] to the group. Review the letter by saying: Dr. Beale writes: “When you come to a group like this, it’s not unusual to feel like you don’t belong, especially if you think what happened to you wasn’t as serious as what others have experienced.” What do you think are some of the dangers in comparing one person’s story to another? Continue by saying: Dr. Beale also writes: “In situations like this, it’s not uncommon to have mixed emotions.…Some people who have been abused do experience pleasure from the sex. And this can be really confusing and is important to sort out.” Probably no experience is as confusing as sexual abuse. But the good news is that we can gain insight and clarity as we work through the healing process. Conclude by saying: There is one last thing I want to note about what Dr. Beale writes. She says: “Most importantly, you need to be honest with yourself and others. And you need to tell your true story so you can begin writing a new chapter in your life. By honoring the truth, you honor yourself.”
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Jesus said: “…the truth will set you free” (John 8:32). I agree with Dr. Beale that “your story is important and needs to be heard. I know it will help others. And I believe that by sharing it, you will be helped, too.” Give each girl a copy of the “Truth Flower” worksheet [6.3]. Tell the girls to write or draw on each petal a different fact about what happened to them. Encourage them to represent at least three facts. It’s okay if they leave some of the petals blank. Tell the girls to add their “Truth Flower” page to their “The Story of My Life” books. Then end the session in prayer.
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6:1
Stacy Letter #1 Objective: By reading this letter, survivors of abuse will understand that a common temptation is to act like their abuse was not that serious.
Dear Dr. Beale, I hope it’s okay that I write you. I was talking to Crystal the other day about our group, and she told me that she has been writing you some letters. I told her that I wanted to write you too. So she encouraged me to write my thoughts and feelings to you. I hope you don’t mind. In some ways, I don’t know if I really belong in this group.The other girls have had much worse things happen to them than what happened to me. My dad never hurt me. None of my uncles or cousins ever did anything to me. And I don’t have any brothers. I’ve never had a real boyfriend. Once I do, I’ve decided that we’re not going to have sex. I think sex is disgusting. Maybe my coach made some mistakes with me. But at least he never raped me or tried to make me do oral sex. Gross. So when I hear the other girls talk about what they went through, I am glad that my coach only put his hands under my shirt a few times and down my pants a couple times. It’s not that serious. Besides, I figured that as long as he was doing that to me at least he wasn’t doing things to any of the other girls on the team. Now my coach is gone. He’s out of my life forever. I know a lot of people hate him, but he was not as bad of a person as everyone thinks. So I’ve been thinking about quitting the group and just getting on with my life. I’m not so certain that I belong here or that talking about all this stuff is going to do me much good. Your friend, Stacy
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Reply to Stacy #1 Objective: By reading this letter, survivors of abuse will understand that seeking healing is important, even when they think that the abuse they suffered was not as serious as what others have experienced.
Dear Stacy, I think that a really great way to take care of yourself is by sharing some of your thoughts and doubts with me. I’m glad that you and Crystal have had a chance to talk. And I’m glad that you’re writing about your feelings.That’s important. I’ll keep your letters confidential. And I hope that you’ll find my responses to be helpful. When you come to a group like this, it is not unusual to feel like you don’t belong, especially if you think what happened to you was not as serious as what others have experienced.While each person’s story is different, each person’s story is important and needs to be heard.We learn from each other as we walk this journey together. You mentioned that your coach didn’t violate you the way some of the other girls in our group have been violated. I want you to understand that sexual abuse occurs whenever someone touches your body without your permission or forces you to do sex acts that you don’t want to do.With sexual abuse comes a range of feelings that may include terror, helplessness, shame, or numbness. Your coach was someone whom you trusted and valued. But it was wrong for him to abuse your trust by making your relationship with him sexual. In situations like this, it is not uncommon to have mixed emotions.You may have liked your coach’s attention but not necessarily what he was doing to you. Adding to this confusion is the fact that our bodies are designed to enjoy sex. Some people who’ve been abused do experience pleasure from the sex. And this can be really confusing and is important to sort out. You need to know that what your coach did to you was not your fault.You wanted a trusting relationship with him.You wanted someone to encourage you.You were looking for a friend, not a sexual relationship. But your coach took advantage of your trust and friendship. Let me encourage you to give this process a fair try. Don’t quit right at the start. Give it a chance. As you go through this, you’ll experience many different emotions towards your coach, yourself and others. And that’s okay. Most importantly, you need to be honest with yourself and others. And you need to tell your true story so you can begin writing a new chapter in your life. By honoring the truth, you honor yourself. I hope you’ll keep coming to our group.Your story is important and needs to be heard. I know it will help others. And I believe that by sharing it, you’ll be helped, too. Many blessings, Lisa Beale
45 Healing for the Wounded Heart 6.3
Session 7: Strong and Scary Feelings
Purpose This session helps the survivor of abuse to understand that feeling emotional upset in treatment is normal. As a leader, you will help the girls learn ways to manage the emotional upset they’ll experience in treatment.
Goals In this session the girls will… • Understand that it’s normal to feel strong and scary feelings when going through treatment • Learn ways to manage the emotional upset they’ll experience in treatment
Materials Needed “Crystal Letter #2” [7.1] “Reply to Crystal #2” [7.2] “Strong and Scary Feelings” maze worksheet [7.3] Art supplies
Lesson Begin this session by saying: Once we begin a path of treatment, we may be surprised to find that we are feeling many strong and scary feelings. This is normal. Other people who’ve found emotional healing from abuse have felt the same feelings that you’re feeling or will feel. It doesn’t mean you’re crazy. It doesn’t mean you’re evil. And it doesn’t mean you will never get better. It means you’re normal. Your strong and scary feelings are normal. Lead the girls in saying: “My strong and scary feelings mean I’m normal.” Then say: To help us understand our strong and scary feelings better, let’s see what one girl says about her feelings while going through treatment. See if you can identify some of the strong and scary feelings that this girl is feeling.
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Read “Crystal Letter #2” [7.1] to the group. Then say: What are some of the strong and scary feelings that Crystal felt? Let the girls share their observations. Then say: Let’s sum up the feelings that Crystal felt. • She felt like something was wrong with her. • She felt like things should get better faster than what they were. • She had mood swings. • She still felt hopeful that things would eventually get better. • She felt anger and depression. • She felt like giving up. • She felt sick of not feeling better. • She felt like telling someone about how she was feeling. Continue by saying: Crystal had a lot of feelings. But maybe her most important feeling was feeling like telling someone about how she was feeling. When we keep things all bottled up inside of us, it’s easy to get discouraged and give up. We need people that we can talk to about our true feelings. We do not have to feel confused or afraid of our strong and scary feelings. We can do something about them. Dr. Beale talks a little about this in her reply to Crystal. Listen to what she says. Read “Reply to Crystal #2” [7.2] to the group. Summarize Dr. Beale’s letter by saying: In her letter to Crystal, Dr. Beale said that it’s normal to feel the urge to do things to stop strong and scary feelings. If we know what to expect in treatment, we can better handle the times when our feelings are strong and scary. Also, Dr. Beale said, “It’s natural to want to forget everything and never have to talk about it again.” Now that the abuse has stopped, it’s tempting to say that what happened is in the past and to go on as if everything is okay. But the way to really heal from abuse is to honor the truth of your experience. Remember, what we said: “By honoring the truth, you honor yourself.” Lead the girls in saying: “By honoring the truth, I honor myself.”
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Continue your summary by saying: If we want to get better, we cannot afford to act like everything is okay. Finally, let me remind you that you can do a lot of things when your strong and scary feelings come. You can pray and tell God exactly what you’re feeling. You can talk to someone you trust. You can write about your feelings. You can look through your “The Story of My Life” book and remember some of the ways that God has helped you. You can take a few moments to breathe calmly. You can sing one of your favorite songs. You can say Bible verses. One of my favorites is Psalm 56:3, which says: “When I am afraid, I will trust in you.” Another good one is 1 Peter 5:7, which says: “Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about what happens to you.” These are good verses to remember. In closing, I want to read one more thing that Dr. Beale writes to Crystal, because it says how I feel about you. She writes: “You’re doing a lot of things right. You’re facing your pain and dealing with it. You’re learning how to get good support for yourself from the right people. You’re learning how to deal with your feelings. And you’re helping others…” She goes on to say: “I am so proud of you! You may have a long way yet to go, but you’ve come really far already. You’re a brave and kind girl!” I am proud of each of you, too. You’re brave and good girls. Prepare to give each girl a copy of the “Strong and Scary Feelings” worksheet [7.3] by saying: Sometimes it seems like there’s no good way to manage the strong and scary feelings that you will feel as you go through treatment. But there is always a good way to feel better. And you can find that way, if you just remember to use the tools that we’ve talked about. Prayer. Music. Bible reading. Scripture memorization. Talking with a friend. And writing. These are just a few good ways to feel better. It may seem impossible. But there is a good way to feel better. Think of it like a maze. At first glance, you can’t see the way through it. But if you keep trying, you’ll find the way. Give each girl a copy of the “Strong and Scary Feelings” maze worksheet [7.3]. Let them work on finding the solution. Then tell them to put this page into to their “The Story of My Life” books. End the session in prayer.
49 Healing for the Wounded Heart 7:1
Crystal Letter #2 Objective: By reading this letter, survivors of abuse will understand that strong and scary feelings are a common response to treatment.
Dear Dr. Beale, Thanks for writing to Stacy. I think it really helped her. I think that she’ll keep coming to the group.That’s cool. I’m writing because I think that something is really wrong with me. I thought that by going to the groups, digging up the past, and talking about my feelings that things would get better for me. But they’re not. My moods are all over the place. One day I’m up; the next, I’m down. Sometimes I really feel like I’m going to make it and get better. But then there are times when I get really mad that I have to go through all this, and I get really depressed. I’m feeling more and more like that lately. I need to tell you something else. I almost don’t want to say anything about it to you. But I feel I need to say something. Sometimes I think it would just be easier for me to forget all this and go out and get high. I’m so sick of this! I hate those jerks for what they did to me!!! Help! I don’t know how much more of this I can take. Your friend, Crystal
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7:2
Reply to Crystal #2 Objective: By reading this letter, survivors of abuse will understand some ways to manage their strong and scary feelings.
Dear Crystal, I’m glad we had a chance to talk by phone about the letter that you sent me. I was concerned.That’s why I called. I wanted to make sure you knew how to get help when you feel like this. I also wanted to write you, so when these feelings come again, you can read this letter and remember how to deal with them. We talked in our group meeting that as you go through treatment you’ll feel the urge to do things to stop your painful feelings from coming out.That’s why you want to get high. It’s natural to want the pain to go away.What you went through hurt and was not fair. It’s not easy to sort through your feelings about all this. It’s natural to want to forget everything and never have to talk about it again. But that will not help you get better. I wish there was some magic that would make all your pain just disappear. But healing does not work that way.Wounds happen fast. Healing takes time. I don’t like that anymore than you do. But that’s the way it is. There is a way to heal from your pain.You must tell your story.You must feel your feelings and then let them go.You must honor the truth about your experience. And you must change the lies that you tell yourself. I will tell you about two of those lies. One is the lie that your abuse was your fault. It was not. And another lie is that you’re bad and can’t get better.These are big lies that aren’t true. Here are some truths to remember. It was not fair that you were hurt, but this hurt does not have to destroy your life.You can learn how to release your painful feelings.You can grow. And you can discover how God will help you. When we talked on the phone, I told you that you must talk to someone you trust when you are feeling down and feeling like you might do something destructive. Having wise and caring people who’ll listen can really help.They can remind you that your strong and scary feelings will pass.They can encourage you and pray for you. Remember that it’s always okay to tell God exactly how you’re feeling. Also you might find it to be helpful to write about your feelings.There are plenty of good ways to manage your strong and scary feelings. You are doing a lot of things right.You are facing your pain and dealing with it.You are learning how to get good support for yourself from the right people.You are learning how to deal with your feelings. And you are helping others like Stacy. I’m so proud of you! You may have a long way yet to go, but you’ve come really far already.You’re a brave and kind girl! Keep writing. Keep coming to our meetings. And keep strengthening your relationship with God. I believe in you. Your friend, Dr. Beale
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Session 8: Damaged Goods
Purpose This session helps the survivor of abuse to understand that their worth is not based on how others have treated them but what God thinks of them. God loves and values them. As a leader, you will help the girls begin to reshape their negative ways of thinking about themselves.
Goals In this session the girls will… Explore how abuse has negatively affected the ways that they think about themselves Contrast their feelings of worth with God’s statement of their worth
Materials Needed “Damaged Goods” devotional [8.1] “Sometimes I feel that my worth is like…” worksheet [8.2] “Secret Message” worksheet [8.3]
Art supplies
Lesson Read the “Damaged Goods” devotional [8.1] to the group. Say: In this reading, it says: “The way people treat us often shapes the way that we feel about ourselves.” Ask: “Do you agree or disagree with that statement? Why?” Say: This reading also says: “And when we have been abused, it’s easy to believe that we have no worth, deserved what we got, and now are dirty or damaged goods.” Ask: “How do you think what you went through has affected the way that you feel about yourself?”
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Say: This reading also says: “After experiencing abuse, we have power. We have the power to choose what we are going to believe. We can continue believing the old lies that the abuse taught us about ourselves, or we can start believing the real truth about our worth and God’s love for us. The choice is ours.” Ask: “How hard is it for you to believe that you have true worth?” Have the girls complete the “Sometimes I feel that my worth is like…” worksheet [8.2]. Tell them to circle all the images that reflect how they feel about their worth. Ask them to share with the group why they selected the images that they did. Tell the girls to add the “Sometimes I feel that my worth is like…” worksheet to their “The Story of My Life” books. Give each girl a copy of the “Secret Message” worksheet [8.3]. Ask the girls to work in groups of 2-3 persons each to unscramble the secret message. After most groups are finished, ask the girls to mark on the ruler how difficult it is for them to believe that this message is true about them. Ask them to share their ratings with the group. Tell the girls to add the “Secret Message” worksheet to their “The Story of My Life” books. End the session in prayer.
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Leader’s Note The Important Job of Being a Leader Leaders must show in their words and actions that each survivor of abuse is valuable and loved. People in the world have devalued and dehumanized them. But God has placed you in their lives to be His instrument to teach them about their true value and worth. You have an extremely important job. Let the girls that you work with know the beauty and strengths that you see in them. Tell them often about the good that you see in them. Show that you value them by how you treat them. Tell them that it is okay if they do not yet believe that they are valuable and loved. But remind them that they can always “act as if” that’s true. The more they practice this truth the more they’ll come to believe it’s so. In the meantime, never forget your responsibility as a leader. John sums it up when he writes: “Dear children, let us stop just saying we love each other; let us really show it by our actions” (1 John 3:18 NLT). Your job is to let God’s love shine through you. There’s no more important job in the whole world.
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8:1 Damaged Goods
The way people treat us often shapes the way that we feel about ourselves. And when we’ve been abused, it’s easy to believe that we have no worth, deserved what we got, and now are dirty or damaged goods. These are lies that the Enemy of our souls wants us to believe. But the truth will set us free. The truth is that no one has the power to determine your worth, not even yourself. God has set your worth. And nothing can change that. You’ve been created in His image. And the Cross says that you are precious to Him. God valued you so much that He was willing to leave heaven, come to earth, and die a horrible death so that you could have the chance to become His precious child and spend eternity with Him. God loves you that much. God thinks you are worth dying for! The truth is that God thinks you are worth dying for, and He thinks you did not deserve the abuse that you received. Bad people do bad things to completely innocent people. They did to Jesus. And even if you can find some fault within yourself or some mistake on your part, it does not mean that you deserved what happened to you. Jesus suffered horrible abuse at the hands of wicked men; and if injustice can happen to Him, it can happen to the rest of us. The truth is that whatever damage you might have suffered from your abuse God has the power to redeem. In Isaiah 61:3, the prophet Isaiah says that God gives His people beauty for ashes. Evil does its ugly work in our lives, but God cannot be defeated by evil. He restores beauty. When we let Him work in our lives, He’s able to bring beauty in us and beauty through us, no matter what ugliness might have happened to us. After experiencing abuse, we have power. We have the power to choose what we are going to believe. We can continue believing the old lies that the abuse taught us about ourselves, or we can start believing the real truth about our worth and God’s love for us. The choice is ours. The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness.” —Jeremiah 31:3
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Session 9: What About God?
Purpose This session helps the survivor of abuse understand that her experience of abuse may leave her with difficult questions about God. As a leader, you will help the girls learn how to approach these questions.
Goals In this session the girls will… • Recall that the abuse was not their fault • Recognize how abuse may have affected how they think about God • Explore ways to approach their questions about God
Materials Needed “Crystal Letter #3” [9.1] “Reply to Crystal #3” [9.2] “What God Thinks” worksheet [9.3] Art supplies
Lesson Begin this session by saying: After surviving abuse, we sometimes are left with difficult questions about God. That is not bad. We need to face whatever thoughts or feelings we have about God and know that other people have struggled with the same doubts. Read “Crystal Letter #3” [9.1] to the group. Lead the girls in a discussion of this letter by saying: Crystal has some interesting things to say in this letter. But before we talk about her questions about God, I want to point out a couple important things that she said about her experience and recovery. Crystal writes: “I know that sometimes I feel different and dirty because of what happened to me. Thanks for helping me understand that the abuse was not my fault.” Then she says: “I am seeing more clearly that the fault was
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not with me but with the people who abused me. They were the adults and should have treated me better.” These are important insights. Abuse makes us feel like something is wrong with us. But we need to remember that what happened to us was not our fault. That’s an important concept to remember. Let’s say it together. Lead the girls in saying: “What happened to me was not my fault.” Continue by saying: Why do you think it is easier for some survivors to feel like their abuse was their fault rather than the fault of the ones who abused them? Allow the girls to express their viewpoints. Then say: Sometimes we believe abuse to be our fault because… • We have been taught to think that way by our abusers. • We don’t want to believe that the persons we wished to love and protect us could be that evil. • We liked the good parts of our abusers and wished that their bad parts weren’t there to overshadow the good that we saw in them. • We mistakenly believe that people get what they deserve, so when bad things happen to people, we assume it proves they are bad. Continue by saying: Abuse not only confuses us about ourselves, it can leave us with questions about God. Crystal writes: “But I wonder if God loves and values me so much, then why did He let me be abused in the first place? Why didn’t He protect me? I don’t know what to believe. It just doesn’t make any sense to me.” When bad things happen to us, it sometimes leaves us with questions and doubts about God. That doesn’t mean you’re bad. It means you’re normal. Pastor Kerry writes: “Some of the greatest people in the Bible had questions about God. Job, David, and Habakkuk, to name a few, were people who spoke openly and honestly about their struggles and questions. And God wasn’t mad at them. As a matter of fact, He included their questions in the Bible.” Why do you think that God would include people’s questions and struggles in the Bible? Let the girls express their viewpoints. Then say: God doesn’t condemn us for our questions. Pastor Kerry writes: “You don’t have to have all your questions answered to be a person of faith. You just
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have to know that you can trust God, even though some things about Him remain confusing.” It is true. Some of our questions may never get good answers. But we can open our hearts to trusting God and ask Him to help heal the wounded parts of us in His way and in His time. Introduce the “What God Thinks” worksheet [9.3] by saying: Most of the time when we think about God, we only think about Him from our side of the relationship. But let’s try something different this time. Let’s try to imagine what it’s like from His side of the relationship. Imagine God thinking about you. What do you think are the first thoughts that God has when He thinks about you? In the space on the worksheet, write or draw in the space on the paper what you think are God’s first thoughts about you. Don’t write what you hope they are. Write what you really believe deep in your heart. The symbols at the bottom of the page offer some suggestions on common ways that people feel about how God thinks about them. From left to right, these symbols mean: heart—love, lightning—judgment or anger, tear—sadness, frown—disapproval or disappointment, symbol—nothing or no thoughts. Tell the girls to add the “What God Thinks” page to their “The Story of My Life” books. End the session in prayer.
Leader’s Note Facing Your Anxiety About Other People’s Struggles It’s not always easy to minister to people who have suffered serious wounds from life. They often have personality and behavior problems that can challenge our own capacities for compassion and patience. One area that can be particularly difficult for the Christian leader is dealing with others who have questions about, struggles with, or resentments towards God. The temptation is to rush a person past her struggles along these lines. As a result, we offer answers that may sound shallow or insensitive to the struggler. Or worse yet, we may resort to shaming the person for even having difficult questions about and troublesome feelings towards God. Usually, when we try to rush a person past her doubts and struggles with God, we aren’t acting in that person’s best interests but rather from our own anxieties. If we’re going to truly help wounded souls, we must be patient with their struggles and not be controlled by our own anxieties. Perhaps a small warning is in order. When ministering to others, don’t be like Job’s friends. They tried to rush Job through his questions, doubts, and complaints. But God was not pleased with them. God doesn’t need us to be His defender. He is big enough to manage that job for Himself. What He has
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graciously invited us to be are instruments of His mercy. What a privilege it is to be used by God to touch a wounded soul and watch Him bring healing! You are truly blessed to participate in this ministry.
Leader’s Note Supplemental Resource In addition to the devotion that is used in this lesson, another devotion that you may find to be helpful in answering people questions about God is entitled “The Type of God He Is” and is found in the resource “Healing for the Wounded Heart: 100 Devotions for Survivors of Abuse.”
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9:1
Crystal Letter #3 Objective: By reading this letter, survivors of abuse will understand that the experience of abuse may leave them with difficult questions about God.
Dear Dr. Beale, I really liked the thing that you read us about being damaged goods. I know that sometimes I feel different and dirty because of what happened to me.Thanks for helping me understand that the abuse was not my fault. I know it’s crazy, but sometimes I struggle with feeling like this happened to me because there was something wrong with me. But now I’m seeing more clearly that the fault was not with me but with the people who abused me.They were the adults and should have treated me better.Thanks for helping me see that. I like what the “Damaged Goods” reading said about nobody having the power to determine my worth, not even myself.The only one who can determine my worth is God. And He has shown that He values me by creating me in His image and having Jesus die on the cross to save me. I never thought of it that way before. But I have to tell you about something that is bothering me about God. And I hope you don’t think I’m crazy or an evil person for thinking like this. So please, please don’t be mad at me. But I wonder if God loves and values me so much, then why did He let me be abused in the first place? Why didn’t He protect me? I don’t know what to believe. It just doesn’t make any sense to me. Sorry. Your friend, Crystal
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9:2
Reply to Crystal #3 Objective: By reading this letter, survivors of abuse will understand that we may not have satisfying answers why bad things happen to people, but we still can trust God.
Hi Crystal, My name is Kerry Decker, I’m a Minister and friend of Dr. Beale. She told me that she called you about your letter and questions about God. And she said that you gave her permission for me to write to you.Thanks for letting me write you. I hope that something I say will help. First, let me say that it sounds like you’re an intelligent and courageous young lady. Not everyone who has been hurt wants help to get better. But you do. And I think that’s really smart. Second, I don’t think you’re crazy or evil for asking questions about God. Some of the greatest people in the Bible had questions about God. Job, David, and Habakkuk, to name a few, were people who spoke openly and honestly about their struggles and questions. And God was not mad at them. As a matter of fact, He included their questions in the Bible. So don’t feel that you have to apologize for having questions. I think it’s good that you have questions. It shows that you’re really thinking about these things. I have had plenty of questions myself about God and still do.You don’t have to have all your questions answered to be a person of faith.You just have to know that you can trust God, even though some things about Him remain confusing. I don’t pretend to have all the answers as to why God lets bad things happen to people. I’ll share with you what I think. But first, I want to say something about the limitation of answers. Maybe a short story will help me make my point. Suppose you slammed you finger in a car door and hurt it really badly. And suppose you went to the doctor for treatment.You probably wouldn’t be too happy with the doctor if he sat down, looked at your finger, and said,“Let me tell you Crystal why your finger is throbbing.”Then for the next thirty minutes, he lectured on the medical facts about nerves and how pain is communicated from your finger to your brain.You probably would feel like punching him with your good hand! My point is this: When we’ve been hurt, the thing we need most is treatment, not answers. And even if we never get good answers, if we get good treatment, we’ll get better. Now I know that this may sound like a way to avoid your question. But believe me, it’s not. Because even if there was a good reason why this happened to you, I don’t think that knowing it would make it hurt any less. So my best answer is that I don’t know why this happened to you other than that people do bad things to hurt others. I’m glad that not everyone is like that. I would like to write more. But that’s all I’ll say for now. Anytime you want, I’ll be glad to write you. I do, however, want to say one last thing.We live in a world where all sorts of bad things happen to completely innocent people. And we wonder why God does not jump in to stop people from doing bad. But what would happen to the rest of us, if God jumped in every time and punished each bad thing that anyone does? No one would have a chance. Not me. Not you. Not anybody. I hope something I said helps a little bit. I’ll be praying that you’ll find real healing and be able to trust God more. Sincerely, Kerry Decker
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Session 10: My Value and Worth
Purpose This session helps the survivor of abuse understand that her value as a person is not determined by what others have done to her but by what God has done for her. As a leader, you will help the girls change how they think about their value.
Goals In this session the girls will… • Understand that abuse secretly implants negative messages in their souls that are lies • Realize that these lies must be weeded out and replaced with the truth of God • Realize that others see in them many positive qualities that they may not be aware they possess
Materials Needed “Our Beliefs About Ourselves” devotion [10.1] “Traits” paper dolls [10.2.1-30] “This Is Me” worksheet [10.3] Art supplies
Lesson Before the session begins, hang the “Traits” paper dolls [10.21-30] around the room. A set of these paper dolls is intentionally left blank for you to add additional traits, if you choose to do so. Begin this session by saying: How people treat us shapes the way that we think about ourselves. When others neglect or abuse us, we falsely believe that somehow we deserved to be treated that way. It’s as if the abuse secretly implanted certain negative messages in our souls. And those messages will not go away by themselves. We must weed them out and replace them with God’s truth. In this lesson, we’re going to discover some truths about ourselves and weed out some of the lies from our abuse.
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Read “Our Beliefs About Ourselves” [10.1] to the group. Review the devotional by saying: As Christians, the Cross reveals some important truths about God. But it also reveals some important truths about us. This devotion states: “God thinks that we are worth saving. That’s why Jesus left heaven. That’s why Jesus came to the earth. And that’s why Jesus went to the cross. We are worth it!” It’s true. God values you. You are important to Him. Not our abuse, not what others have said or done to us, and not even our doubts about ourselves, reveal the truth about our worth. The Cross shows us our true worth. This reading also states: “But we need to remember that it was not for the sun, moon, or stars that Jesus died. It was not for any of the animals in all creation. It even was not for angels that He died. It was for us. He thinks that much of us!” God values nothing in creation more than you. When we allow the Cross to shape how we think about ourselves, we begin to see ourselves in a truer light. This reading concludes by saying: “Something is going to shape our sense of value. Either it will be what sinful people have done to us, or it will be what the loving God of heaven has done for us. One is a lie, and the other is the truth when it comes to determining our value.” To heal from the damage that our abuse has done to us, we need to weed out the lies that we have come to believe and embrace the truth that God loves and values us. Prepare for the next activity by arranging into a semicircle the chairs of the group. Place one chair at the front and center, facing all the other chairs. Introduce the activity by saying: In a moment, I am going to invite you all, one-by-one, to come and sit in front of the group. We aren’t going to embarrass you or make you do something that you do not want to do. I need someone to be my first volunteer to sit in the chair at the front of the group. It will be easier for me to show you what we’re going to do than to tell you. If no one volunteers then ask one of the girls if she would be willing to go first. From our times together, you have gotten to know [girl’s name]. Posted around the room are paper dolls with different character qualities written on them. One-by-one, each of you will come and select one of the paper dolls that represent the good qualities that you see in [girl’s name] and present it to her. You might want to give her more than one doll. But because we’re limited on time, I am going to restrict your selection to just one apiece. Now I need to say something to [girl’s name]. Each of you needs to pay
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attention to what I tell her, because you are going to take your turn in this chair, too. Instruct the girl sitting in the chair at the front of the group by saying: When each of the girls come to you with the doll that they’ve selected to present to you, you’ll say two things. First, you’ll say, “Thank you.” And next you’ll say: “I accept this gift as being true about me.” Continue with the activity by selecting one of the girls to be the first to present a paper doll to the girl sitting at the front of the group. Continue until each girl of the group has selected and presented a paper doll to the girl sitting in the front. Before selecting another girl to sit in the chair, say the following to the girl currently sitting in the chair: Now, I want to show you want we’re going to do next. Hand her the “This Is Me” worksheet [10.3] and say: Unfortunately, you cannot keep the paper dolls that were presented to you. But we’re giving you this large paper doll to remind you of the truths about yourself. I am going to write on this paper doll each of these qualities that the other girls see in you. Then, when you have time, you can decorate this doll however you want and add it to you “The Story of My Life” book. Invite the next girl to come and sit in the chair. Repeat the same procedure with her. Continue the activity until all the girls have taken their turn in the chair. Then end the session in prayer.
Leader’s Note Planning a Special Treat for the Group From time to time, you might want to plan a special treat for the group. This does not have to be elaborate. It could be something as simple as allowing the girls of a particular group a special time for styling their hair or doing their nails. Or you might plan a special dessert or meal just for the girls. It’s important to let these girls be girls and relieve the intensity of therapy with these special treats. Use them as times for building group spirit. Girls who have been abused need time to discover play and fun. Be creative, and plan special treats for your groups.
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10:1 Our Beliefs About Ourselves
To a large extent, we form our beliefs about ourselves by how others treat us. And when others abuse us, we tend to believe that the fault lies with us rather than with them. We think that something must be wrong with us; otherwise, they would have treated us differently. So our beliefs about ourselves are shaped by how others treat us. There’s a more reliable way to measure our true value and worth. The Bible says: “For you know that God paid a ransom to save you from the empty life you inherited from your ancestors. And the ransom he paid was not mere gold or silver. He paid for you with the precious lifeblood of Christ, the sinless, spotless Lamb of God” (1 Peter 1:18,19 NLT). And John writes in his Gospel: “So the Word became human and lived here on earth among us. He was full of unfailing love and faithfulness. And we have seen his glory, the glory of the only Son of the Father” (John 1:14 NLT). While these passages teach important truths about God the Father and our Lord Jesus Christ, they also say something important about us, too. Jesus left heaven to come to earth to suffer and die for us so that one day we might leave earth and live with Him forever in heaven. God did what He did because He thought we were worth it. God thinks that we are worth saving. That’s why Jesus left heaven. That’s why Jesus came to the earth. And that’s why Jesus went to the cross. We are worth it! That does not mean we are worthy or deserve what Jesus did. That’s not what these passages are saying. But we need to remember that it was not for the sun, moon, or stars that Jesus died. It was not for any of the animals in all creation. It even was not for angels that He died. It was for us. He thinks that much of us! Something is going to shape our sense of value. Either it will be what sinful people have done to us, or it will be what the loving God of heaven has done for us. One is a lie, and the other is the truth when it comes to determining our value. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. —Psalm 139:14
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Session 11: God’s Great Love for You
Purpose This session helps the survivor of abuse understand that God’s love is unfailing. It’s the one sure constant of life. As a leader, you will help the girls understand that God’s love is real, even when they don’t feel it.
Goals In this session the girls will… • Understand that God loves them, not just other people • Realize that questioning God’s love is a common experience • Learn some answers to their questions about God’s love • Learn some practical ways to strengthen their experience of God’s love
Materials Needed “Lost in the Crowd” devotion [11.1] “Crystal Letter #4” [11.2] “Reply to Crystal #4” [11.3] “An X-ray of Me” worksheet [11.4] Art supplies
Lesson Begin this session by saying: Abuse plays all kinds of tricks on our hearts and minds and leaves us confused from all its lies. Abuse tells many, many lies to us that are really easy but dangerous to believe. One of its lies is that something was wrong with us and that’s why we were abused. That’s a lie. Another of its lies is that as girls we don’t deserve to be treated any better. That’s a lie. Still another of its popular lies is that our abuse was our fault. That’s a lie. But one of the biggest lies of abuse is that we were never loved in the first place. And that just is not true.
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Our families may have made bad or unwise choices when they failed to protect us. And that hurts. All girls and boys in the world deserve to be loved and protected by their families. But not all girls and boys are. When that happens, it’s easy to feel unwanted and unloved. But that’s a lie that we must expose and quit believing, if we’re going to grow and heal. Let us see how we can answer that lie. Read the “Lost in the Crowd” devotion [11.1] to the group. Lead the girls in a discussion of this devotion by saying: In this devotion, we read: “When the Bible says that God so loved the world, it’s easy to feel lost in the crowd.…sometimes it’s hard to believe that He notices or cares for you.” What makes it hard for you to believe that God notices or cares about you? Allow the girls to express their thoughts and feelings, then continue by saying: We make a very common but very serious mistake when we think that God only notices or loves certain people. The Bible says that God is love. It does not say that God is love only for really good and devoted people. God is love for all people and that includes you. So there has never been a day or moment in your life when God has not loved you with His perfect love. God loves you! He always has and always will. The devotion reads: “He [God] loves you not because you’re so lovable but because He’s so loving.” That’s the type of God He is. There is nothing that we can say or do to make God love us more, and there is nothing that we can say or do to make God love us any less. God is love. Here’s a saying that can help us remember this: God loves me as much as the best person on earth. Let’s say that aloud together. Lead the girls in saying: “God loves me as much as the best person on earth.” Continue by saying: There are going to be plenty of times when you’re going to doubt this is true. Maybe when you’re having a bad day, maybe when you’re feeling discouraged, or maybe when you’re having problems, you’re not going to feel like this is true. But it’s true even when you don’t feel like it’s true. It’s always true. And anything else is a lie. No person, perpetrator, or parent decides if you are loved and wanted. God decides that. And God has clearly communicated in His Word and on the Cross what He thinks about you. When Jesus died on the cross, God settled the question once and for all whether you are loved. The Cross shows that you’re important to God and that He wants to be close to you and have a relationship with you.
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Read “Crystal Letter #4” [11.2] to the group. Then lead the girls in a discussion of this letter by saying: Crystal writes: “I know the Bible says that God is love. But I have a hard time believing that God even notices or cares about me. Otherwise, He would never have let me been abused.” Then ask: “Can you understand why Crystal would feel this way?” Let the girls express their thoughts without judgment or shame. Read the “Reply to Crystal #4” [11.3] to the group. Then lead the girls in a discussion of this letter by saying: In his letter, Pastor Kerry reminds Crystal of the distinction between our feelings and the fact of God’s unchanging love for us. Why do you think it’s so easy to believe our feelings rather than what God’s Word says about His unchanging love? Since many of the great people of the Bible, including Jesus, suffered, then we can conclude that suffering says nothing about God’s love. Why do you think people get so confused about this? Why do you think some people believe suffering means that God doesn’t love them? What would you say to someone who feels like this? Here is something Jesus said that’s good to remember. He tells his followers: “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world” (John 16:33). In this passage, Jesus promises us that in the world we will have trouble. No amount of faith is going to keep us from having problems. But He does not stop there. He also says that in Him we can have peace. That’s where we need faith. As we learn to trust the God who is bigger than our biggest problem, we will find peace. Give each girl a copy of the “An X-ray of Me” worksheet [11.4]. Then say: What if there was a machine that could look inside you and see your heart— your spiritual heart? What would it show? Typically, we find our heart to be in one of four conditions. 1) Sometimes we have an innocent and unsuspecting heart. We’re not in any big crisis. We’re not hurt or recovering from some loss. We’re just going along in life, and everything seems to be okay. 2) At other times, we have a broken heart. Something happened that hurt us and left us with loss. Maybe the pain has recently happened, or maybe we’ve been living with it for a long, long time. It does not matter. A broken heart is no fun. 3) Next there’s a healing heart. People like to say that time heals all wounds, but that’s not true. Time does not have the power to heal anything. If we’re going to have a healing heart, we must follow a program that’s going to promote our healing, like the “Healing for a Wounded Heart” program. We must stay connected with others who are healing and do the work that we need to do. And we must let
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God do His work within us. 4) Finally, there’s the heart set free. That does not mean that we have no scars. But scar tissue is the strongest tissue. Our wounds have healed, and we have learned how to live a life of true love and healthy service. What would you say is the condition of your heart? Mark your response on the clipboard. And in the space on the worksheet, briefly write why you chose the response that you did. Tell the girls to add the “An X-ray of Me” page to their “The Story of My Life” books. End the session in prayer.
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11:1 Lost in the Crowd
When the Bible says that God so loved the world, it’s easy to feel lost in the crowd. The world is a big place. It’s filled with many important and powerful people. Many of them are doing great things for God and show remarkable devotion. It’s easy to imagine that God takes note of their lives. But sometimes it’s hard to believe that He notices or cares for you. There’s nothing special about you, except maybe all the problems you’ve had and might still be having. The truth is that in the entire history of the world there has never been a person whom God loves more than you. He loves you not because you’re so lovable but because He’s so loving. The Bible says that God is love (1 John 4:8). And nothing you’ve done or could do changes that fact. God cannot help Himself. He loves you! You’re the reason Jesus left the courts of heaven. You’re the reason He came to earth. You’re the reason He went to the cross. You’re the reason He rose from the dead. And you’re the reason He’s returning to earth. He went to heaven to prepare a place for you. And now He’s coming back to take you where He is so you can be with Him forever. When the Bible says that God so loved the world, we tend to make it impersonal and abstract. We have the tendency to get lost in the crowd. Deep in our hearts, we doubt it. We wonder if God could love anyone like us that much. So we quote John 3:16 failing to see ourselves right at the center of this verse. But you’re the prized object of God’s extravagant love. You always have been. John 3:16 not only says something remarkable about God, but it says something remarkable about you. And it’s time to do more than just memorize this verse. It’s time to realize that you’re not lost in the crowd. For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. —John 3:16
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11:2
Crystal Letter #4 Objective: By reading this letter, survivors of abuse will understand the struggle that other survivors have with feeling loved by God.
Dear Pastor Kerry, Thanks for writing to me. Some of the stuff that you wrote made sense. But I didn’t understand all of it. Sorry. I know the Bible says that God is love. But I have a hard time believing that God even notices or cares about me. Otherwise, He would never have let me been abused. Please understand that I’m not being difficult or disrespectful. It’s just really hard for me to reconcile the fact of my abuse with the claim of God’s love. Maybe you can help clear up my confusion. Your friend, Crystal
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11:3
Reply to Crystal #4 Objective: By reading this letter, survivors of abuse will gain some insight about their struggles with feeling loved by God.
Hi Crystal,
Thanks for writing. I wish that whatever I write would always make perfect sense and be easily understood, but I know that’s not the case. So you don’t have to apologize for not understanding everything in my last letter. I hope I can do better this time.
I like receiving your questions. It tells me that you’re a thinker. I like that about you.
I can sympathize with your feelings of not being loved by God. For most of my life I’ve felt that way and still struggle with this feeling from time to time. So you’re not alone in how you feel. A lot of good people, even people who’ve never been sexually abused, have these feelings.
I’ve learned something important about these feelings.These feelings say something about the reality inside me but not necessarily the reality inside God. Let me explain.
When I was a child, I was afraid of the dark. I often felt like some monster was in my room waiting to attack me.When this feeling became too strong, I would make my way down the hallway to my parents’ bedroom where they would reassure me that there were no monsters in my room. As I got older, I came to realize that they were right.You see, my fear of monsters said something about the reality inside me but not the reality inside my room.Those two things were very different.The same is true with my feelings of not being loved by God.That feeling says something about the reality within me but not the reality within God. God still loves me, even when I don’t feel that He does. My feelings don’t change that fact.
This can be hard to believe, especially when bad things happen to us. Sometimes when bad things happen to us, they have the power to shake our confidence in God’s love. But we need to remind ourselves of what the Bible says.The Bible says that God is love. It does not say that God is love only when good things happen to us. It says that God is love.That’s how God feels about everybody everywhere all the time. No exceptions.
So we face a choice. Either we can believe what the Bible says, or we can trust our feelings. If we trust our feelings, then when bad things happen to us we’ll feel that God does not love us. But our suffering does not say anything about God’s love.
Think of the great people of the Bible. Most of them had difficult lives. Paul, Jeremiah, Daniel, and Job all suffered. But God loved them. And think about Jesus. Suffering, then, says nothing about God’s love.
You can overcome your feelings of not being loved by God. First, decide what you’re going to believe. Either the truth of the Bible or your feelings will be the main thing that shapes your beliefs about God’s love. One gives you strength; the other tears you apart.
Additionally, if you’re going to overcome your feelings of not being loved by God, you need to surround yourself with some truly loving Christians who will be patient with you as you grow. One of the biggest ways that we learn about God’s love is through people who love us.
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Finally, realize what Jesus’ death on the cross really means. God wants you to know Him and have a relationship with Him. And He was willing to go to the cross to make that happen. Christ’s love is the answer to our feelings of not being loved. Remember:“But God demonstrates his own love for us in this:While we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8).That love is strong enough to be the foundation upon which you can build your life.
Your friend,
Kerry Decker
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Session 12: The Stormy Umbrella
Purpose This session helps the survivor of abuse understand the importance of adopting healthier ways of thinking in order to combat the effects of abuse. As a leader, you will help the girls to begin replacing the lies of abuse with the truth.
Goals In this session the girls will… • Realize that abuse causes us to believe lies about ourselves • Feel hope that there is a better way to live • Identify some of the common lies that victims of abuse believe and the truths that answer them
Materials Needed “Stormy Umbrella” illustration [12.1] “Stormy Umbrella” story [12.2] “10 Lies and the Truths that Answer Them” [12.3] “Truth Necklace” worksheet [12.4] Art supplies
Lesson Begin this session by saying: Imagine a computer that was designed by programmers to always add one to math problems. So anyone who uses it and types 2 + 2 would get the answer 5. No matter how many times people typed in the right numbers, they would get the wrong answer. The flaw is in the programming. And until that flaw is fixed, the computer would go on making errors. Abuse corrupts our programming. It influences how we think. It affects the way we think about ourselves, others, life, and God, to name a few. That’s the bad news. The good news is that these flaws can be fixed, but it takes work.
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The Bible talks about this process. Romans 12:2 reads: “Don’t be like the people of this world, but let God change the way you think. Then you will know how to do everything that is good and pleasing to him” (CEV). With God’s help, real change is possible. We need to seek God’s help in reprogramming our thinking. Otherwise, we will carry forward the lies that abuse has taught us. Here’s a story that illustrates this point. Before reading the story, distribute to the girls the “Stormy Umbrella” illustration [12.1]. Tell them that these pictures are an easy way to remember this story. Then read the “Stormy Umbrella” story [12.2] to the girls. Review the story by saying: If the people in our families lived under their own stormy umbrellas and never showed us how to close ours, then we’re likely to go through life holding onto the stormy umbrella. But there is a different way to live. We do not have to keep living under the false and unhealthy messages from the past. We can step into the warmth and light of God’s love and truth. It would be impossible to catalog every false and unhealthy message that abuse delivers to us. Virtually no part of our lives goes untouched. But here are some common lies and the truth that answers them. As you read the statements from “10 Lies and the Truths that Answer Them” sheet [12.3] to the girls, write the lies on the whiteboard. Or, in order to save group time, you may want to have these lies pre-written on poster board. Then lead the girls in a discussion of these statements by saying: As a survivor of abuse, which of these lies have you struggled with most? Which truths do you most often need to be reminded of? Allow the girls to share their thoughts. Then distribute copies of the “Truth Necklace” worksheet [12.4] and say: In different places in the Bible, we’re told to adorn our necks with the truth. On your worksheets, you might want to write a few truths to be reminded of. Here are some suggestions: • God loves me. • I’m valuable. • God’s grace is all I need. • God will bring me good. • I’m free. • I’m clean and forgiven. • Jesus saved me.
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• Jesus heals me. • I’m not condemned. • There is hope. Tell the girls to add the “Truth Necklace” page to their “The Story of My Life” books. End the session in prayer.
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12:2
The Stormy Umbrella Objective: By reading this story, survivors of abuse will understand that by rejecting the lies of the past they can live in the warmth and light of God’s love and truth.
Once there was a man who owned a stormy umbrella. This umbrella was different from other normal umbrellas. Cold, driving rains; bone-chilling winds; and frightening thunder and lightning storms—all kinds of bad weather brewed beneath his stormy umbrella. The man’s stormy umbrella always kept out the warmth of the sun and always blocked its light. Life was dreary for the man living beneath the stormy umbrella. The man with the stormy umbrella couldn’t remember any time in his life when he didn’t live beneath his umbrella. Even as a boy, he took his stormy umbrella with him when he went to school or out to play. Even inside his house, he always carried his stormy umbrella with him. As a matter of fact, all in his home had their own stormy umbrellas. His mom. His dad. His brothers. Even his sisters. His family carried their stormy umbrellas with them wherever they went. They sat under their umbrellas when they ate. They sat under their umbrellas when they watched TV. They sat under their umbrellas when friends came by to visit. They even slept under their umbrellas! Once the boy with the stormy umbrella grew up, he tired of always being cold and wet. So he went looking for a new home. He packed his bags and took his stormy umbrella with him. He found a new home that suited him, far from the cold and soggy place where he grew up. He found a job and settled down. He even made new friends. But everywhere he went, he carried his stormy umbrella with him. His life continued to be a soggy mess! One day, one of his friends asked him why he lived beneath the stormy umbrella. “Do you think I like being cold and wet all the time?” the man with the stormy umbrella snapped. He was annoyed with his friend’s question. But his friend persisted and asked, “What do you think might happen if you tried closing it?” The man with the stormy umbrella was shocked. “What would happen if I closed it?” he thought. He had never considered it before. He always had lived beneath the stormy umbrella. For a moment he hesitated. Then he reached up, squeezed the clip, and folded his stormy umbrella. The winds and rains stopped. For the first time in his life, the man with the stormy umbrella stood in the light of the sun and felt its warmth. And he liked it. Different ones think that they know the meaning of the stormy umbrella. But here’s its secret: The stormy umbrella represents all the false and unhealthy messages that you have lived under since your childhood. Isn’t it time to fold up your umbrella and live in the light?
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12:3
10 Lies and the Truths that Answer Them Objective: By reading these items, survivors of abuse will recognize some of the common lies that victims of abuse believe and the truths that answer them.
LIE TRUTH God loves others more than me. God loves you as much as the best person on earth. For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. (John 3:16)
If I’m going to be loved, I need to You cannot make God love you more by being good, and you do better. cannot make God love you less by being bad. God is love. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:8) Since this has happened to me I No evil done to you or by you can overcome God’s good now have no hope of living a purposes for you. good life. For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD,“plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11) I’m trash. God thinks you’re worth dying for. For Christ died for sins once for all, the righteous for the unrighteous, to bring you to God. (1 Peter 3:18)
Trust no one. Trust only the trustworthy. And God is trustworthy. By their fruit you will recognize them. (Matthew 7:16)
This was my fault. Evil people do bad things to completely innocent people. It is not your fault. It’s wrong to favor the guilty and keep the innocent from getting justice. (Proverbs 18:5 CEV) I’m not good enough to go to Good people do not go to heaven but only sinners who have heaven. been forgiven. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast. (Ephesians 2:8,9) I need to do better as a God accepts all Christians, both strong and weak. Christian if God is going to Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1) accept me.
If I’m going to get better, I have Pain that’s buried alive always comes back to haunt you in to forget about the past and put other ways.You can find real healing. it out of my mind. You can’t heal a wound by saying it’s not there! (Jeremiah 6:14 TLB)
I think I might be crazy. Even people who have never been abused find themselves struggling with life at times. I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate. (Romans 7:15 NLT)
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Session 13: Honesty: An Essential Ingredient for Healing
Purpose This session helps the survivor of abuse to realize that complete honesty is important to the healing process. As a leader, you will help the girls to prepare for sharing the stories of their pain by encouraging complete honesty.
Goals In this session the girls will… • Understand the role that shame and fear play in stifling honesty • Realize the importance of showing and receiving compassion • Understand the important role that complete honesty plays in promoting healing • Reveal additional facts about their stories
Materials Needed “Stacy Letter #2” [13.1] “Reply to Stacy #2” [13.2] “Truth Flower” worksheet [6.3] Art supplies
Lesson Begin this session by saying: Sometimes we are uncertain or afraid when we get into recovery. And sometimes that uncertainty and fear keeps us hiding the truth about what has happened to us or what we ourselves have done. But to truly heal from our experiences, we must bring them into the light, even the parts that are uncomfortable or shameful. People in recovery have a saying: “You’re only as sick as your secrets.” It’s true. By telling our secrets and exposing them to the light, we move forward in recovery. Read “Stacy’s Letter #2” [13.1] to the group.
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Use the following comments and questions to lead group members in acknowledging the truth about their abuse: • How hard do you think it might have been for Stacy to write this letter to Dr. Beale? • Why do you think it might have been hard for Stacy to write about this? • Why do you think people fear telling the truth when they feel ashamed? Listen to what the girls have to say. Then share some of these responses: • People who are ashamed fear telling the truth because they are afraid of receiving condemnation and punishment from others. • They fear that others may look down on them. • They fear rejection. Continue by saying: When others reveal the truth about what they have done, sometimes it’s tempting to be critical. But instead of criticism, people seeking recovery need our compassion. Jesus says: “Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy” (Matthew 5:7). He says that those who give mercy will be shown mercy. And all of us need plenty of mercy. So the best response that we can show to people who decide to tell the truth about what has happened to them or what they’ve done is not condemnation but compassion. Maybe we can adopt this as a motto for our group: Here people find compassion, not condemnation. Lead the girls in repeating that statement together. “Here people find compassion, not condemnation.” Continue by saying: As we move on in our time together as a group, I want to encourage all of you to do two things. First, be completely honest about telling your own story. And second, be thoroughly compassionate towards those who share the truth about what has happened to them and what they’ve done. Remember what Jesus says: “Do to others what you would have them do to you” (Matthew 7:12). Dr. Beale has some good advice for Stacy. Listen to what she writes. Read “Reply to Stacy #1” [13.2] to the group. Review the letter by saying: Dr. Beale writes: “You touched him and kissed him at his urging to somehow make the closeness you felt okay. Of course, you wanted the relationship to be okay because he had been there for you, and you needed that from him.
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That need was okay, but what he did with your need was not okay.” This is an important concept and one that we need to understand. When it comes to sexual abuse, the problem is not with our emotional needs. Everyone wants to be understood. Everyone wants to feel loved. Everyone wants someone with whom they can share their feelings. These needs are not the problem. The problem comes when people take these good needs and use them as opportunities to take advantage of us. That hurts and is confusing. So in response, we often learn to hate our needs and try to ignore them. That only creates deeper problems. Instead of hating or ignoring our needs, we need to set healthy boundaries, so others cannot take advantage of us. That’s where our attention should be focused. Continue by saying: Dr. Beale also writes: “You did something good for yourself by telling me your secret. Hopefully, you can share your secret with the group and encourage others to reveal their secrets when it’s safe to do so. Every part of the story of violation needs to be brought to the grieving process especially the parts where we feel the most shame or confusion.” It’s easy to keep concealed the parts of our story that cause us the most pain and shame. But these are the very parts of our story that most need to be brought into the light of day. By having the courage to tell our whole stories, we will help our healing to be more complete and to occur quicker. Fear and shame will keep you in bondage. But the truth sets you free. In the next few weeks, we will be exploring our stories in more detail and sharing them with the group. That may seem scary. But we can do this together. And with the support and encouragement from each other, we will experience deeper healing. Ask the girls to open their “The Story of My Life” books to the “Truth Flower” worksheet [6.3] page. Tell them to write or draw on the flower’s petals some additional facts about what happened to them. If they do not have any more room on the flower itself, tell them that they can use the space around the flower. Encourage them to add at least two new facts. It’s okay if they leave some of the petals blank. End the session in prayer.
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13:1
Stacy Letter #2 Objective: By reading this letter, survivors of abuse will understand that coming to complete honesty about what has happened to them is sometimes an unfolding process. And they will realize that abuse can leave them with conflicting feelings.
Dear Dr. Beale, Something has been bothering me for a long, long time. And I feel that I need to tell you about it.That’s why I’m writing. I hope you won’t hate me for saying this. But I haven’t been entirely honest with you or the group. I’m ashamed to admit it. But when I told you about my coach doing that stuff to me, I didn’t tell you the whole truth. It is true that my coach put his hands under my shirt a few times and down my pants a couple times. But what I didn’t tell you, or anyone else up to this point, is that I did some stuff to him too. I did him a few times with my hand. And I used to make out with him when he came on to me. I thought that he was really in love with me, and I thought that I loved him, too. I feel like a slut. I’m so stupid. Stupid. Stupid! Stupid!!! I hate myself. After coming to the group, I now can see that what my coach and I had was not love. It was sick. But I’m really confused.There’s a part of me that still misses him, and I think about him a lot. On one hand, I hate him; but on the other had, a part of me misses him and still wants him. I think I may be crazy. It is okay if you want to kick me out of the group. I understand. Your friend, Stacy
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Stacy Letter #2 Objective: By reading this letter, survivors of abuse will understand the importance of bringing all parts of their story to the grieving process, including those parts that are shameful or confusing.
Dear Stacy, I feel so honored that you were able to share this secret with me. I know it took a lot of courage to share the whole story and I’m so glad that you did. Sometimes, the reason we keep a secret is because we think we have done something wrong.Your coach deceived you into believing you could trust him and then he betrayed that trust.You needed a man in your life who could support you and help you through the difficulties of being a teenager. He had the opportunity to either do a lot of good or to violate your needs and trust. He chose to violate your needs and trust. It must have been confusing when he began to cross the line and blur the boundaries between a coach and friend and turn that into a sexual relationship.You had already developed feelings for him when he introduced the sexual violation into the relationship.You touched him and kissed him at his urging to somehow make the closeness you felt okay. Of course, you wanted the relationship to be okay because he had been there for you, and you needed that from him.That need was okay, but what he did with your need was not okay. It is a good thing to give someone the gift of your love and trust. Unfortunately, he betrayed that gift. Hopefully, through the process of grieving, you can learn to tell the difference between those you can trust and those you cannot trust. By learning how to develop strong boundaries, you can bring something good from this experience that was so painful. You did something good for yourself by telling me your secret. Hopefully, you can share your secret with the group and encourage others to reveal their secrets when it’s safe to do so. Every part of the story of violation needs to be brought to the grieving process especially the parts where we feel the most shame or confusion. Blessings, Lisa Beale
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Session 14: Making Your Case: Private Meetings
Purpose This session helps the survivor of abuse to begin the grieving process by identifying how others have hurt her and the impact they have had on her life. As a leader, you will help the girls to begin to tell their stories about their pain.
Goals In this session the girls will… • Identify the people who have brought pain to their lives • Identify the losses associated with those experiences • Identify the feelings associated with those losses • Complete a statement for each significant person who has hurt them
Materials Needed “Key People in My Case” worksheet [14.1] “The Loss Factory” worksheet [14.2] “The Loss Factory” leader’s guide [14.3] “My Statement” worksheet [14.4]
Leader’s Note The Need for One-on-one Meetings Much of the “Healing for the Wounded Heart” curriculum is designed for group meetings. But some one-on-one work is necessary in preparing for or following- up on meetings. The success of this lesson depends on the time that you take to help each girl prepare for the group meeting. Don’t be in a rush. Take whatever time you need to work with each girl. Working with each girl individually can make a real difference to her growth and healing.
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The wise leader understands the importance of group work and individual meetings. Both play an important part in the healing process. At this point in the curriculum you must do two things. 1) Meet privately with each girl in your group outside meeting times. In these private sessions, you’ll help each girl in your group prepare for the “Making Your Case” meetings. (See the instructions below.) 2) Continue group meetings. We recommend that you use any or all of the following devotionals for group discussions: • The Time Machine [14.5] • Sadness Versus Grief [14.6] • Happy for Sorrow [14.7] • Uncomfortable With Comfort [14.8] At the end of this lesson, we have included copies of each of these devotionals.
Instructions for the Private Sessions Private Session #1: Prepare for the “Making Your Case” meetings by spending time with each girl individually. Begin this session by saying: We need to spend some time together preparing for our next step as a group. During our time together, we’ll be taking a closer look at some of the people who have hurt you and the things that they did to you. Are you comfortable with that? Let the girl respond. If she is not ready to move forward in this process, respect her decision and let her know that she will only be allowed to observe and not participate in the upcoming “Making Your Case” meetings. If she decides after her observation of these meetings that she wants to continue with the group, then she will need to make her case before the group, as all the other girls will. Otherwise, she will need to take a break from the group and start over with another group. If the girl is comfortable with proceeding, give her a copy of the “Key People in My Case” worksheet [14.1]. (Note: The girls you’re working with may need more than one copy of the worksheet to complete their review of the key people in their cases.) Then say: If you could select some of the key people in your case and make them explain to you why they did what they did to you, whom would you choose?
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Leader’s Note: As with the girls at Rapha House, some persons you’re working with may have been sexually abused by a large number of individuals. If that’s the case, then ask the girl to select one person to represent that group. She will make that person give an account on behalf of the group of persons who abused her. Have the girl write down the name of the each person in her case. In the space provided on the worksheet, she may draw a picture representing that person. Have her write down her relationship to that person. This doesn’t have to be a family relationship. The relationship can be simply how the girl knows the person. Next, have the girl write down what the person did to her. This should include a brief description of how that person wronged her. Some examples might be: • Sold me into slavery. • Beat me. • Raped me. • Molested me. • Did not feed me. • Said mean things to me. These descriptions don’t need to be highly detailed, but they should be specific enough to identify the wrong that the girl suffered. In addition to having the girl write down these descriptions, you might want to ask her to tell you a little about her experiences. Don’t force her to talk about anything that she is unwilling to talk about. But it can be helpful for her to begin sharing a little about her experiences. For now, keep her copies of the “Key People in My Case” worksheet in your files. Let her know that you’ll give her worksheets to her later. But for now, you’ll keep them safe for her. Conclude this first session with the girl by thanking her for her work. Then close in prayer. Be sure to schedule your next private appointment with her.
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Private Session #2: Begin this session by saying: We want to pick up where we left off last time. Today, we’re going to go a little deeper and explore some of the things that you lost from your experiences and how you felt about that. This won’t necessarily be easy. And I won’t push you to talk about anything that you’re not ready to discuss. Anytime you need to take a break, just tell me. Give the girl a copy of the “The Loss Factory” worksheet [14.2]. Use “The Loss Factory” leader’s guide [14.3] to explain worksheet. Have her complete a worksheet for each person in her case. However, she doesn’t have to complete all of these worksheets at this meeting. She can work on these outside of your sessions together. You should, however, work through one or two of these with her, so she will know how to complete the others on her own.
Leader’s Note Exploring Losses Whenever bad things happen to us, we experience a loss. Sometimes the loss is easy to identify, like losing our home or losing our health. Sometimes the loss is harder to identify. But if we think about it, we’ll discover what we lost. It may be a dream that we had for our lives, like having a happy family where everyone was loved and protected. Our loss may be some good that we had, like not experiencing sex before we were ready. Or it may be the loss of a relationship. Maybe because of what has happened, we no longer get to see our family or friends. Or maybe those relationships have changed, so we lost the relationship that we once had with others. There are a lot of ways that our lives change because of loss. Have the girls that you’re working with select one person from her “Key People in My Case” worksheet. Have her write that person’s name in the space provided at the top of “The Loss Factory” worksheet. Then in the space provided in the clipboard area at the bottom left of the worksheet, have her write a brief description of what that person did to her; for instance, “Sold me into slavery,” “Molested me,” or “Abused me.” Next, after writing what she experienced, have the girl identify the dreams she lost, the good things she lost, and the relationships that she lost. She may need some help thinking about these. So guide her in exploring her various losses. Below is a list of some of the typical losses that survivors of sexual abuse experience.
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Typical Losses Survivors of Sexual Abuse Experience Dreams I have lost… Having healthy relationships with men Growing up in a home where I was loved and protected Having a normal and healthy family Learning about sex on my terms Pursuing an education and career Having a happy childhood with no worries Good things I have lost… Ability to trust My integrity My childhood My innocence Feeling good about myself Control over my own body Feeling safe and secure Happiness in being alive My emotional well-being Healthy self-esteem Relationships I have lost… My relationship with my parents who should have protected me Having a normal relationship with my brothers and sisters and other family members Having someone to love me for myself Feeling like God has abandoned me or is disappointed with me After she has identified some losses, ask the girl to check any of the feelings that she has felt related to her losses. Explain that the reason we’re exploring these areas is because identifying these losses and talking about feelings are the first steps towards healing from the bad experiences in life.
Close in prayer.
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Private Session #3: In your final private session with the girls help them prepare for the upcoming group meetings by saying: Each girl in our group is working on the same project that you are. Like you, they are preparing for their day in court. And to get ready for that day, we need to prepare your statement. We’re going to use a particular format when you state your case. Remember, I will be with you to coach you each step of the way during our group meetings. Give the girl a copy of the “My Statement” worksheet [14.4]. Have her complete this worksheet for each of the key people in her case. Then say: When we meet as a group, you’ll read your statement before the other girls. Remember, I will be with you each step of the way. And at any time, if you feel this is too overwhelming, you can take a break.
Leader’s Note Additional Significant Emotional Statements On the “My Statement” worksheet one sections reads: “In addition to all this, you need to hear this from me.” You may use the following starters to help the girls know what they might write in this section. I loved you for… I hated you for… I wanted you to… I did not want you to… I appreciated you for… I resented you for… I was proud of you when… I was embarrassed with you when… I was afraid of you when…
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As a leader, prepare for the upcoming group meeting by… 1) Making a name sign for each person in each girl’s case; 2) And making a copy of each girl’s “My Statement” worksheets. Close in prayer. Pray for the girl’s strength and healing. Pray for her courage to present her case at the upcoming meeting.
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[FPO REMOVE THIS PAGE IN ASSEMBLY.]
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14:3
The Loss Factory Leader’s Guide Objective: This guide will help survivors better understand the process of resolving loss by naming their specific losses and the negative feelings that accompany them. Identifying and sharing these experiences helps survivors to move through grief and towards resolution.
Every heart spends time in the Loss Factory. The Loss Factory is where bad things happen to us breaking our heart leaving us with loss and all kinds of unwanted emotions. This is the story of the Loss Factory, how to survive it, and how to find lasting healing. (A) We enter the Loss Factory when we’re caught in some unwanted circumstance. Sometimes the chain of events begins when someone chooses to push the button that starts a process that changes our lives forever. Some losses aren’t life changing, but others are. But all losses—both big and small—need to be managed the right way, if we’re going to find lasting healing and real freedom. Select one of the names from your case and write it in the space on your Loss Factory worksheet. (B) Often we enter the Loss Factory with a completely innocent and unsuspecting heart. Things are going okay for us, and then something happens that changes everything. We’re caught in a series of circumstances that are bigger than our ability to control. (C) Those circumstances can be like a machine that mangles our heart and tears it to pieces. (D) Following these experiences, we’re left with a broken heart. Using what you wrote on your “Key People in My Case” worksheet, write in the clipboard space what the person did that hurt you or broke your heart. (E) Things don’t stop there. We experience loss in different ways. Three main types stand out: 1) The dreams that we’ve lost; 2) The good things that we’ve lost; and 3) The relationships that we’ve lost. Identify exactly what you’ve lost as a result of what happened to you. For example, being molested means that one of the dreams you lost was being introduced to sex on your own timetable instead of another’s. It means that one of the good things you lost was your innocence. And if the person who molested you was a family member, it means that you lost a normal relationship with that person once sex was introduced into the relationship. Don’t just think about what happened to you, for instance being sexually molested. Figure out what you lost as a result. By identifying your losses,
117 Healing for the Wounded Heart you actually move closer to healing. It’s not easy and may take time. Be patient. And be brave. (F) The process in the Loss Factory continues. These losses leave us with all kinds of unwanted feelings. Next, take some time to think about how these losses made you feel. Look over the list, and check whatever applies to you. Be honest. And if you need to, write down any feelings that you have that aren’t mentioned on the list. (G) Managing feelings is where a lot of people go wrong. Some keep their feelings all bottled up inside. They never talk about the things that they’ve lost and how this has affected them. They don’t share their experiences with any caring and supportive people. Others obsess about what they’ve lost and how they feel. It’s all they ever think about. It consumes their life. Neither approach helps things get resolved. People who take either of these approaches to managing loss swirl down the drain and loop back into reliving their losses all over again. They get stuck and never find a good way out. Over and over again, they repeat the same cycle. Unfortunately, some live like this their whole life. But there’s hope. We can find a better way. (H) It starts with grief. Grief is the emotional process of accepting reality. And reality has two sides. One side of reality is loss. We must learn to accept the life that is and release the life that cannot be. Some of our dreams may never come true. Some of the good things that we had may never be restored. And some of our relationships that we once had may have come to an end or can never be what they were before the loss. But that does not mean we’re without hope. Reality has another side. Reality includes loss, but reality also includes God. And God knows how to heal broken hearts. (I) Healing begins with daring to think that life can be worth living following loss. It means connecting with caring and supportive people who not only respect our loss and our need for healing but who also will help us find the way to recovery. Healing means trusting in a power higher than our self— God. God is bigger than our biggest problem. And with the help of God and others whom He has put in our path, we can grieve our losses and work though our pain and find renewed strength. (J) Connecting with others, telling our story, feeling our feelings, grieving our losses, and trusting in God—all promote our healing. Still, there’s something more, if we want to be truly free. We will explore that later. For now, we must use this time to allow ourselves to grieve. A season of grief is necessary for the soul to heal.
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My Statement Objective: By completing this worksheet, survivors of abuse will have a format for telling their story of loss to others in their group.
My Statement
Introduction My name is ______I am a survivor of ______Today, I am presenting my case in the presence of my fellow survivors who will bear witness to my statement.
My Statement to the Key People in My Case You are ______[Name of Person] And you are my ______[Relationship to You] You need to hear something. These are some of the ways that you hurt me most. ______By hurting me like this, you need to hear about some of the things that I have lost. ______And you need to hear how this made me feel. ______
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______Instead of doing what you did to me, here is what I wanted from you. ______In addition to all this, you need to hear this from me. ______[Write whatever additional positive or negative statements that you want to make.]
Conclusion This is my case. My voice will be heard. I will not delay my healing by waiting for you to recognize the wrong that you have done to me. Nor will I delay my healing by waiting for justice. I will trust God and make Him my helper. I will accept whatever good He brings me through the helpful and healthy people that He puts in my path. My name is ______I am a survivor of ______Thank you for hearing my story.
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Why can’t it be the way it was before all this happened? Sometimes we may wish there was a time machine that could take us back to the days before our hearts were broken. We hate the way things are now and want to return to the time when things were simpler. But those days never really did exist. They always were only an illusion. Even before our abuse occurred, our abusers still had the capacity to hurt us. And those who should have protected us from harm weren’t powerful enough to stop every bad thing from happening to us. In those days, our protectors had the capacity to fail us. It’s unpleasant but true: The people around us never were as perfect as we want to think they were. Still we wish for a machine that would reverse time. We just know things would turn out differently. But time machines don’t exist. Instead, we have walked through a one-way door that doesn’t let anyone return. Time is like that. But that doesn’t mean we are stuck with a life that we will hate forever. We can’t return to the past, but we can be healed. Jesus says, “God blesses those people who grieve. They will find comfort!” (Matthew 5:4 CEV). Jesus says that the answer is grief. Grief doesn’t give us what we’ve lost. But it does help heal the hurt. And grief prepares us to receive the good that God has prepared for us. Grief opens another door that takes us out of the darkness and into the light. It takes us out of our pain and into God’s comfort. Grief is God’s gift to bring healing to a wounded heart. Nothing else works. Wishing to go back in time won’t heal our hearts. And just sitting in the dark and hating the life that we now have won’t make things any better. The only way to overcome this is grief. God makes a way when there seems to be no way. Shout for joy, O heavens; rejoice, O earth; burst into song, O mountains! For the LORD comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones. —Isaiah 49:13
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14:6 Sadness Versus Grief
Sadness and grief aren’t the same thing. They’re related but not identical. Someone can be sad and never grieve. But no one can grieve without being sad. Jesus was known as a man of sorrows who was acquainted with grief (Isaiah 53:3). Jesus knew trouble and heartbreak in life. But he also knew how to resolve life’s hurts. He was acquainted with grief. Grief differs from sadness in that it uses sadness to cure sadness. Sometimes people who are sad stay sad. When that happens, they need to become acquainted with grief. Grief takes us through sadness to comfort. Jesus himself said, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted” (Matthew 5:4). The destination is comfort; the path that takes us there is grief. After a hurt or loss, grief can lead us to comfort by helping us accept reality. And reality has two sides. One side of reality is the losses that we’ve suffered. What happened to us was painful. It hurts. And no one should ever have to go through what we’ve gone through. Our loss and pain are real. However, loss and pain are just one side to reality. Those who get stuck in sadness have a hard time seeing that. It’s easy for them to believe that the only side to reality for them is heartbreak. But there is real comfort. Paul writes, “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God” (2 Corinthians 1:3,4). God is real, and so is the comfort that He brings us. And we’ll find that comfort but not before we’ve traveled the path of grief. Sadness and grief aren’t the same. Sadness leaves us stuck in the dark side of reality, but grief takes us back to the light and true comfort. As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you. —Isaiah 66:13
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14:7 Happy for Sorrow
When bad things happen to us, it’s normal to feel sorrow. That’s to be expected. But we’re not meant to spend the rest of our lives in sorrow. Sorrow is supposed to serve our happiness. It’s meant to introduce us to the process of grief and change. With grief and change, we find deeper happiness. Paul writes about this in his letter to the Corinthians. They had some problems that Paul discussed with them about in his letter. The honesty of Paul hurt their feelings. Paul says, “I do not feel bad anymore, even though my letter hurt your feelings. I did feel bad at first, but I do not now. I know that the letter hurt you for a while. Now I am happy, but not because I hurt your feelings. It is because God used your hurt feelings to make you turn back to him, and none of you were harmed by us. When God makes you feel sorry enough to turn to him and be saved, you do not have anything to feel bad about” (2 Corinthians 7:8-10 CEV). When our sorrow brings us to God and into the process of grief and change, there’s nothing that should make us feel bad. However, sorrow does not always bring us to God. Sometimes we get stuck in sorrow and do nothing about it. That’s when sorrow takes us into despair or into resentment and bitterness. And that’s never good. Paul writes, “But sorrow without repentance is the kind that results in death” (2 Corinthians 7:10b NLT). Sorrow is intended to lead us into repentance or change. It’s the way of the world to allow sorrow to drain all the goodness out of life. God does not want that to happen to us. Life includes suffering. And suffering produces sorrow. But where we allow sorrow to take us depends on our decisions. God wants to heal our wounded hearts. And He will when we go through the process of grief and change. But not before. New life can spring from the seeds we sow in sorrow. That makes us happy for sorrow. We cried on the way to plant our seeds, but we will celebrate and shout as we bring in the crops. —Psalm 126:6 CEV
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14:8 Uncomfortable With Comfort
Some people are uncomfortable with grief as the path to comfort. They want to convince us not to have our sad feelings. They shame us for being sad and try to make us happy. But that’s not helpful. The Bible says, “Like one who takes away a garment on a cold day, or like vinegar poured on soda, is one who sings songs to a heavy heart” (Proverbs 25:20). We don’t need to be made cheery. We need to grieve. If we’re going to find true comfort in grief, we need to have a few people in our lives that understand this is the only path to the destination of comfort. We need to allow them to walk with us. We need to allow them to hear us. And we need to follow their wise counsel and ignore those who are uncomfortable with this true path to comfort. Grief is our only hope. Grief is different from mere sadness. Sadness isolates. The Bible says, “Each heart knows its own bitterness, and no one else can share its joy” (Proverbs 14:10). But grief brings us into community with others. Paul writes, “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2). And in Romans 12:15, he reminds us, “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” We need to empathize with others and find others who’ll empathize with us. On the path to comfort, we need a few good traveling companions to walk with us. The road to comfort is a difficult road to travel. The way is seldom straight, and the path is never smooth. But we can arrive at comfort if we grieve and choose our traveling companions wisely. Those who make room for our grief but won’t let us get stuck in sadness are the best traveling companions anyone can have. We need people around us like that. We need people who aren’t uncomfortable with this path to comfort. “I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give isn’t like the peace the world gives. So don’t be troubled or afraid.” —John 14:27
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Session 15: Making Your Case: Group Meetings
Purpose This session helps the survivor of abuse to continue the grieving process by publicly stating how others have hurt her and the impact they have had on her life. As a leader, you will help the girls to begin telling their stories about their pain.
Goals In this session the girls will… • Share the story of their pain and loss • Feel the feelings associated with their story • Invite God to help them heal
Materials Needed Copies of each girl’s “Key People in My Case” worksheet [14.1] Copies of each girl’s “The Loss Factory” worksheet [14.2] Copies of each girl’s “My Statement” worksheet [14.4] Papers with the printed names of each person to be mentioned in the girl’s statements An empty chair
Lesson Prepare for this session by selecting one or two girls to make their statements. Be sure to have copies of their completed worksheets that they’ve finished in their private sessions. Arrange the room so an empty chair is in front. Have printed on separate sheets of paper the names of the key people that the girl’s will mention. Before the meeting, ask each girl who is sharing her testimony in what sequence she would like to have the names from her case arranged. Make sure that each girl who is sharing her testimony has a copy of
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her “My Statement” worksheets, which should already have been completed by the girls. Begin by saying: Each one of you has been working on completing your statements. Today, we’ll bear witness to your testimonies. I have asked a couple of you to share your statements with the group. But first, I want to emphasize three of our group guidelines: • What is shared in the group stays in the group. We do not discuss what happens in our group with others outside our group. It can be very hurtful to discover that what was shared in the group is being discussed outside the group. Our group must be a safe place where people can share their deepest secrets and true feelings. • If at anytime you feel too overwhelmed by the meeting, you can take a break. One of the group leaders or a designated group member will be available to sit with you. [Note for leaders: Introduce to the group your assistants. Remind the girls to go to them if they want to take a break during these meetings. You may want to have a couple assistants sit in with you during these sessions in case more than one girl at a time needs a break.] • We will not harm others or ourselves in any way. Rapha House is a place of healing. Here we learn positive ways of coping with our negative feelings. If you ever feel suicidal, you’ll tell one of the Rapha House counselors about your feelings. Invite the first girl who will be making her statement to sit next to you. Continue by saying: You know [girl’s name]. I appreciate her being a part of our group. And I appreciate and admire her courage and willingness to share her statement with us today. Please give her your attention as she shares her testimony. One at a time, I will tape to the empty chair at the front of the room the names of the key people in her case. Then she will share her testimony about that person. Begin by taping the first name sheet to the chair. Have the girl share her statement about that person. Once she is through with her statement about the first person in her case, remove that name sheet and tape the next one to the chair. Continue until the girl has shared her statement about each person in her case. After the girl has shared her statement, pray for her comfort and strength. Do not make any comments about what she has said other than expressing your appreciation for her life and courage. Do not allow anyone from the group to comment on what she has shared. This is a time for her to make her statement,
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not for others to express their viewpoints or opinions. You may need to take a brief break before having the next girl share. If this first testimony has been very intense, you may need to postpone the second testimony until the next meeting. Do not rush this process. Have no more than one or two girls share during a session. Provide sufficient time for each girl to share her story. To end the session, close in prayer.
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Session 16: Recovery Celebration Parties
Purpose This session helps the survivor of abuse to take a break from the work of recovery and enjoy some fun in recovery. As a leader, you will help the girls to make some time for fun.
Goals In this session the girls will… • Have fun • Enjoy each other’s company • Take a break from the work of recovery
Materials Needed See the description for each event
Lesson Recovery isn’t just about work. It’s about having some fun, too. Your girls have just finished a difficult activity. It’s time to take a break. Select ONE of the following Recovery Celebration Parties to help your girls have some fun. Or if you want, design your own party for the girls to enjoy. Party #1: Princess Party Mixer Game Name of Game: “Upset the Fruit Basket” Supplies needed: A container with as many slips of paper as players. Before playing, write a name of a fruit on each slip of paper. (There can be several slips with the same name.) How to play: Pass around the container, and have everyone pick a slip of paper from the container. Do not show anyone what’s on the paper. Have the group sit in a circle with one less chair (or space) than there are people. The extra person stands in the middle. The person in the middle calls out the name of a fruit, then yells “go!” The people with the slip of paper with that name of the fruit stand up and change seats. At the same time, the person in
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the middle tries to get to one of the empty seats. The person who doesn’t get a seat is now the person in the middle. Repeat the process. As an option, the person in the middle may call out, “Upset the fruit basket.” When she does that everyone has to get to another chair. Main Activity Everyone makes a tiara (crown) and then wears it around during the party. Supplies needed: crown base, glue, glitter, beads, markers and crayons Devotion Prepare a brief devotion based on Psalm 45:10-15. You are a daughter of the King. Every little girl dreams about being a princess. Even though you may have experienced hurtful things or people that have broken your dreams, God loves you and wants you to be His princess. Refreshments: cookies, fruit, soda
Party #2: Pamper Party Mixer Game Name of Game: “Balloon Pop” Supplies needed: Balloons for every person, chairs How to play: Divide your group into teams. Each team lines up in a single line at the starting line. A chair is placed 30 feet away. Each team member has a deflated balloon. One at a time, the girls run to the chair, blow up the balloon, tie it, and then pop it by sitting on the balloon. Then they run back to the team and go to the end of the line. The first team to pop all their balloons wins. Activity Everyone gets their fingernails and toenails painted by each other, their hair brushed and combed, and their faces cleaned. Supplies needed: nail polish, toe rings, barrettes, combs, brushes, lotions, face masque, etc. Devotion Prepare a brief devotion based on John 1:12. You are God’s child. God wants to be your true and loving Father. He wants to be a Father who takes care of you and holds you in His arms. He wants you to be His child. Refreshments: vegetables and dip
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Party #3: Silly Party Mixer Game: Name of Game: “Mingle Game” Supplies needed: A loud bell, whistle, or a stick and a pot for banging on How to play: Everyone goes to the center of the room with their arms at their sides. They keep moving but crowd toward the center. The leader rings the bell, whistles, or bangs the pot and then yells out a number. If the number is four, for example, everyone must get into groups of four, lock arms, and sit down. Do this several times. Then start eliminating the groups that are not in the proper amount that was yelled until everyone has been eliminated. Activity Everyone colors, plays jacks, jump ropes, and plays with paper dolls (or other childhood games) Supplies needed: coloring books, crayons, jacks, jump ropes, paper doll sets, etc. Devotion Prepare a brief devotion based on Ecclesiastes 3:1,4. God has a plan for your life. Even though you may have experienced difficult times, God wants what is best for you. There is a time to cry and there is a time to laugh. Refreshments: candy and cookies
Party #4: Flower Party Mixer Game: Name of Game: “Beans” Supplies needed: An envelope and twenty beans for each person How to play: Each person is given an envelope containing 20 beans. The girls walk around to each other offering someone else the chance to guess the beans in their closed hand. Players approach each other and say, “odd?” or “even?” If the person guesses correctly, she gets the beans. If she guesses wrong, she must give up the same number of beans that the winner is holding. Set a time limit and whoever has the most beans at the end wins a prize. When a player’s beans are all gone, she is out and must sit down.
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Activity Decorate and make pots of flowers Supplies needed: clay pots, paints, brushes, potting soil, plants Devotion Prepare a brief devotion based on Psalm 139:13-14. You are wonderfully made by God. God created flowers and each kind of flower is beautiful and different. God loves you even more than the flowers. He has created each one of you to be beautiful and different. Refreshments: fruit
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Session 17: What About Forgiveness?
Purpose This session helps the survivor of abuse to begin to clear up misunderstandings about forgiveness and to understand its benefits. As a leader, you will help the girls to consider the option of forgiveness.
Goals In this session the girls will… • Explore their feelings about the possibility of forgiving their offenders • Understand that feelings of resistance about forgiving offenders are normal and natural • Realize that forgiveness is a way to find freedom from their pain and unwanted feelings • Realize that God is able to help them to have the willingness and ability to forgive • Understand the difference between weak and strong forgiveness
Materials Needed Crystal Letter #5 [17.1] Reply to Crystal #5 [17.2] “Forgiveness Inventory” worksheet [17.3]
Lesson Begin by saying: Some topics in recovery are easy to talk about. Others are not. This is one of those topics that isn’t easy to talk. But we need to talk about it. Today, we’re going to talk about the topic of forgiving our offenders. Listen to what another girl had to say about this topic. Read “Crystal Letter #5” [17.1] to the group. Use the following comments and questions to lead group members in exploring their feelings about forgiving their offenders:
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Crystal writes: “So I don’t think that I’m ready for to forgive anyone. It just seems to me that it would be like saying that what they did to me was OK. And I think that’s sick.” When we forgive others, does that mean we are saying what they did to us was OK? What do you think? Listen to what the girls have to say without evaluating their responses. Then say: Forgiving others for anything never means saying that what they did to us was OK. Wrongdoing isn’t magically turned into something right by forgiveness. Forgiveness never lessens a wrong. Think about it. We cannot forgive what’s good. We only forgive the bad. So when we forgive others, we’re actually saying that what they did to us was bad. We are saying that it was evil and should not have happened. But forgiveness says something else. It says something about us, too. Some people think that forgiving others is a sign of weakness. And they’re right. There is a type of forgiveness that does not come from strength but from fear. Sometimes people forgive because they’re afraid that others will think they’re bad for not forgiving. Sometimes people forgive because they’re afraid that someone might get mad at them and not like them anymore if they don’t forgive. Some forgiveness comes from weakness. But not all forgiveness does. True forgiveness comes from strength. True forgiveness says, “You hurt me. And that pain brought to the surface some of my own ugliness. But I will not let what you did to me or my own ugliness become the most important thing about me.” The only way we can rise above pain and ugliness is through true forgiveness, strong forgiveness. True forgiveness says, “You owe me.” It does not deny that justice is due. But true forgiveness adds, “Even though you owe me, I choose not to collect.” And by releasing our offenders, we find real freedom for ourselves. Continue by saying: Crystal writes: “So I don’t think that I’m ready for to forgive anyone.” What do you think? Do you think that it is right to try to persuade others to forgive if they are not ready to forgive? Why or why not? Let the girls share their thoughts, then say: I think that it is important for people to forgive. But I don’t think that we help them by pressuring them to forgive before they are ready to do so. Survivors need the permission to be angry about what has happened to them. They should be given the freedom to protest the wrong that was done to them. But they also need to find a way to find real freedom. Forgiveness helps. Dr. Beale has some things to say to Crystal. Let’s hear what she has to say.
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Read “Reply to Crystal #5” [17.2]. Then say: She writes: “The idea of forgiving an offender does seem to be offensive. And many people who have been through what you have been through feel the same way. Forgiveness seems unnatural. But it can be a very powerful way to promote your healing.” Even though forgiveness seems unnatural, it is a way to promote our healing. And that’s a good reason for us to consider taking the step of forgiving our offenders. She goes on to say: “Think of forgiveness as a way of regaining the power that others have taken from you. After being abused, we may not be able to stop our feelings of anger or hatred towards our offenders. That’s normal. But we can choose to forgive. With God’s help, we have that much power. And in choosing to forgive, we are saying that we no longer are helpless victims. We have a power that our offenders cannot take from us. We have the power of choice. We have the power to forgive.” True forgiveness isn’t a weakness. It’s power. It’s a power we possess that our offenders can’t do anything about. Maybe we couldn’t stop them from hurting us. Maybe we can’t stop our unwanted feelings of anger or hatred. But we can choose to forgive. And that’s real power. Sometimes we feel that we don’t even have that much power. Sometimes we’re like Crystal and unwilling to forgive. And even if we were willing to forgive, we don’t know how to do it. Here’s a secret: You don’t have to rely on your own power to forgive. You can ask God for help. He knows how to forgive. He’s the expert at it. Even if you are unwilling to forgive, you can pray: “Lord, help me to become willing to forgive.” If you’re sincere, God will give you the willingness at the right time. Dr. Beale goes on to say: “Even after you forgive your offenders, you may still grieve at times. That’s normal. And feelings of anger, sadness, and maybe even unforgiveness might resurface. But by choosing to forgive, you are learning how to let go of these emotions and experiences. Each time you go through this process—and forgiveness is a process—you will increase your strength and wisdom in handling life’s difficulties. And you are learning how to help others to do the same.” Don’t be surprised that once you choose to forgive your offenders feelings of anger and unforgiveness might resurface. Forgiveness is a process. That’s just the way it is. But once you have chosen to forgive, it is easier to make that choice again when those unwanted feelings revisit you.
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Conclude by saying: I don’t want you to make this choice just yet. I just want you to be open to the possibility that forgiving your offenders may help you to find greater freedom for yourself. I also want you to identify what ways your offenders need forgiveness. Be specific. These may be the things they said or did that hurt you. These may be the losses that they caused you to experienced. Whatever it is, write it down on the “Forgiveness Inventory” worksheet. Create a separate page for each person in your case. Realize that I’m not asking you to forgive anyone if you’re not ready to do so. All I’m asking is for you to identify the ways that they need forgiveness. Give each girl multiple copies of the “Forgiveness Inventory” worksheet [17.3]. Encourage them to begin completing these pages. End the session in prayer.
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Crystal Letter #5 Objective: By reading this letter, survivors of abuse will understand that the idea of forgiving their offenders is confusing and often met with feelings of resistance.
Dear Dr. Beale, I wanted to write and thank you for taking the time to help me make my case before the group.That was hard. But it was awesome. I’m really, really glad that I took the time to identify the losses that I’ve had and my feelings about all this. I don’t think that I’ve ever cried so much in my entire life. I was as weak as a kitten. But it was worth it. I felt really free afterwards. I am a little mixed-up though. During the meeting, you mentioned that we should be open to the idea of forgiving those who have hurt us. And that bothers me. I don’t think that I could ever forgive these jerks for what they said and did to me. It just doesn’t seem right to let them off the hook like that, especially since they’ve never apologized to me for what they put me through. I think if I ever saw them again that I’d slap them in the face or worse. So I don’t think that I’m ready for to forgive anyone. It just seems to me that it would be like saying that what they did to me was OK. And I think that’s sick. I know that you probably get tired of hearing stuff like this from me. But you always say that we need to share how we’re really feeling and not act like everything is OK when it isn’t. So this is how I’m really feeling about this whole forgiveness thing. Your friend, Crystal
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17:2
Reply to Crystal #5 Objective: By reading this letter, survivors of abuse will understand that forgiving their offenders is possible, but it is a process that may not be done smoothly or easily. But with God’s help and the help of others, it can be done.
Dear Crystal, I am very proud of you for presenting your case to the group.That took so much courage. By doing this, you gave yourself the gift of grieving the trauma that you have endured.Your grief is one way of saying that you are worth it—that you have value. By grieving, you are beginning to take back your personal power and reestablishing the boundaries that others have violated. Also I am proud of you for being so honest with me.The idea of forgiving an offender does seem to be offensive. And many people who have been through what you have been through feel the same way. Forgiveness seems unnatural. But it can be a very powerful way to promote your healing. Think of forgiveness as a way of regaining the power that others have taken from you. After being abused, we may not be able to stop our feelings of anger or hatred towards our offenders.That’s normal. But we can choose to forgive.With God’s help, we have that much power. And in choosing to forgive, we are saying that we no longer are helpless victims.We have a power that our offenders cannot take from us.We have the power of choice.We have the power to forgive. Forgiving our offenders helps us to get free of the past and move forward. For when we forgive, we break the chains that bind us to our offenders and in so doing free ourselves.We might still hold them to be accountable for their wrongdoing, but we can forgive the debt that they owe us. When we forgive, we release our offenders to God. Perhaps they will realize His mercy and repent and be saved. Or perhaps they will face His justice. Either way, they are in His hands, and we know that we can trust Him. What is most important is for you find true freedom yourself. And forgiveness helps you to move forward with your life.You do not have to carry the burden of this violation any longer.You do not have to make it the most significant about you. Even after you forgive your offenders, you may still grieve at times.That’s normal. And feelings of anger, sadness, and maybe even unforgiveness might resurface. But by choosing to forgive, you are learning how to let go of these emotions and experiences. Each time you go through this process—and forgiveness is a process—you will increase your strength and wisdom in handling life’s difficulties. And you are learning how to help others to do the same. Remember, forgiveness is hard work. Forgiveness is a process. It is something that requires the help of God and others. So you are not alone in facing this challenge.You can do it! You can forgive. Blessings, Lisa Beale
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NAME:
RELATIONSHIP:
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Session 18: Freedom Through Forgiveness
Purpose This session helps the survivor of abuse to understand that justice and forgiveness are not incompatible. As a leader, you will help the girls to understand the limitations of justice and the benefits of forgiveness.
Goals In this session the girls will… • Face the strong desires for justice that survivors often feel • Understand that desiring justice is a good and legitimate desire • Realize the limitations of justice • Realize the power that forgiveness has in helping survivors heal and recover
Materials Needed Crystal Letter #6 [18.1] Reply to Crystal #6 [18.2] “Forgiveness Inventory” worksheet [17.3]
Lesson Begin by saying: Probably no topic is more difficult to talk about than the topic of forgiveness. On one hand, some people want to shame us and make us feel bad for struggling with the issue of forgiveness. That’s not helpful. We’re doing the best we can, and we don’t need their judgment to complicate our journey. Then on the other hand, some people act like we’re bad for even talking about the possibility of forgiving our offenders. They act like we’re doing something wrong to even considering forgiving those who hurt us. And that’s not helpful either. Here is what we’re saying: It is okay to be where you’re at in your journey. What we want to do is to help you understand this topic better so you can make up your own mind about forgiveness and see through the confusion that surrounds this issue.
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It is the position of the “Healing for the Wounded Heart” program that the strong variety of forgiveness can go a long way to healing our wounded hearts and bringing us greater freedom. This version of forgiveness is what we support. But it takes a little effort to understand this type of forgiveness, as Crystal is finding out. Read “Crystal Letter #6” [18.1] to the group. Use the following comments and questions to lead group members in exploring their feelings about forgiving their offenders: Crystal writes: “I think that what my offenders did to me was not only wrong but criminal. And now you’re saying that I should just forgive them. That doesn’t seem right. What would you say to Crystal? Listen to what the girls have to say without evaluating their responses. Then say: It can be confusing to sort through our thoughts and feelings about forgiveness. But it is a good thing that Crystal says what she feels. That’s the best starting point for sorting through our own confusion and pain. We need to get it out in the open. Continue by saying: Crystal writes: I think they need to go to jail. But they probably never will. And that just makes things worse. This all seems so unfair. I just don’t get it. The whole thing makes me sick! Crystal is right. Society should protect us from those who do bad things to us. And it isn’t fair whenever society fails to bring us justice. But we cannot pin our hopes for healing and recovery on society. We must move forward and not allow those, or any other, disappointments to discourage us on our journey. Pastor Kerry has some things to say to Crystal. Let’s read what he writes. Read “Reply to Crystal #6” [18.2]. Then say: Pastor Kerry tells the story of the man whose married daughter was murdered. He then writes about this man: “As a Christian, he wanted to forgive his daughter’s killer. But as a father, he hated that man for what he did and was glad that he was caught and sent to prison. He wanted that man to spend the rest of his life behind bars. And he wondered if it was right to feel this way.” What do you think? Was it right for the man to feel that way? Let the girls share their thoughts without evaluating their opinions. Then say: Pastor Kerry writes: “So, in my view, wanting justice for a wrong suffered is
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something right to desire. But there is more to the story than this.” He goes on to say: “My friend wasn’t struggling about wanting this man to be in prison. The man was already in prison. What my friend was struggling with was the fact that justice didn’t settle this matter for him. It did not bring him the peace that he wanted. Instead, he found the cancer of bitterness eating away at his soul. And the dark clouds of anger blocked out the light and warmth of the joy in life. Justice could not give him back either his daughter or his life. So what could he do? Was he stuck—condemned to live like this forever?” This brings us to an important point: Justice alone cannot heal our wounded hearts. Even if we receive justice for what was done to us, we’re still left with the issues of own anger and bitterness. These are the real enemies to our happiness. And it would be terrible if there was no good way to escape those problems. But God has made a way. It’s through forgiveness. Pastor Kerry has this to say about forgiveness: “Forgiveness means that we no longer choose to be controlled by our bitterness and resentments. Forgiveness means that we do not hope justice will finally make things right for our hearts. It can’t. Forgiveness changes things. It changes our response to our offenders, but forgiveness never changes the responsibility of our offenders. In other words, the murderer of this man’s daughter still deserves to be in prison. Forgiveness doesn’t change that fact. But by forgiving his daughter’s murderer, my friend set his own heart free. That’s what forgiveness does.” It’s important to remember what forgiveness changes. “It changes our response to our offenders, but forgiveness never changes the responsibility of our offenders.” So it is not wrong to desire justice while at the same time forgiving our offenders. Just remember the story of Pastor Kerry’s friend. Conclude by saying: I want you to keep on working on your “Forgiveness Inventories.” I’m not saying that you have to be willing to forgive anyone. I’m just asking you to complete these inventories, so you can identify the ways that those who hurt you need forgiveness. Remember to be specific. Include the things that they said or did that hurt you. And include all the losses that they caused you to experienced. Create a separate page for each person in your case. Have copies of the “Forgiveness Inventory” worksheet [17.3] on hand in case the girls need extras. Encourage them to continue working on these pages. End the session in prayer.
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18:1
Crystal Letter #6 Objective: By reading this letter, survivors of abuse will realize the strong resistance that they sometimes feel about forgiving their offenders. And they will understand their strong desires for justice.
Dear Dr. Beale, OK. Now I’m really confused. I think that what my offenders did to me was not only wrong but criminal. And now you’re saying that I should just forgive them.That doesn’t seem right. I think they need to go to jail. But they probably never will. And that just makes things worse.This all seems so unfair. I just don’t get it.The whole thing makes me sick! Your friend, Crystal
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18:2
Reply to Crystal #6 Objective: By reading this letter, survivors of abuse will understand how forgiving offenders and holding them to be accountable can be compatible goals.
Dear Crystal, I know that Dr. Beale called you and she and you talked about your letter. She mentioned that I would be writing you.Thank you for letting me share with you my thoughts. Let me begin by saying thank you for being honest about how you’re feeling.That’s one of the qualities I really appreciate about you. It’s refreshing. Let me see if I can help clear up some of the confusion that you might be feeling about forgiveness and accountability. Maybe it would help to see how it relates to a different story than yours. I know a father whose married daughter was murdered. And the man who killed her was her own husband. Now the father of this murdered woman was trying to sort through his feelings about this tragedy. As a Christian, he wanted to forgive his daughter’s killer. But as a father, he hated that man for what he did and was glad that he was caught and sent to prison. He wanted that man to spend the rest of his life behind bars. And he wondered if it was right to feel this way. What do you think? I’ll tell you what I believe. First, let’s ask ourselves if it is right for murderers to be caught and sent to prison. Of course it is. It’s good anytime we can catch a murderer and put that person behind bars. Society needs to be protected from lawbreakers. Offenders must bear responsibility for their crimes and be held accountable. So, in my view, wanting justice for a wrong suffered is something right to desire. But there is more to the story than this. My friend wasn’t struggling about wanting this man to be in prison.The man was already in prison.What my friend was struggling with was the fact that justice didn’t settle this matter for him. It did not bring him the peace that he wanted. Instead, he found the cancer of bitterness eating away at his soul. And the dark clouds of anger blocked out the light and warmth of the joy in life. Justice could not give him back either his daughter or his life. So what could he do? Was he stuck—condemned to live like this forever? God in His grace has given us a way to free our wounded hearts, if we want that freedom enough. It’s through forgiveness. It’s the only way to true freedom, but we must travel that way by choice. Forgiveness is the only way to be truly free of anger and bitterness. Forgiveness is the only way to renewed joy and peace. Forgiveness means that we no longer choose to be controlled by our bitterness and resentments. Forgiveness means that we do not hope justice will finally make things right for our hearts. It can’t. Forgiveness changes things. It changes our response to our offenders, but forgiveness never changes the responsibility of our offenders. In other words, the murderer of this man’s daughter still deserves to be in prison. Forgiveness doesn’t change that fact. But by forgiving his daughter’s murderer, my friend set his own heart free.That’s what forgiveness does. I do not pretend that forgiveness is easy. And I realize that not everyone agrees about its power. But forgiveness is the only option that truly sets a wounded heart free. I can think of no other. I hope this helps you on your journey to freedom. Your friend, Kerry Decker
145 Healing for the Wounded Heart Healing for the Wounded Heart 146
Session 19: Wisdom In Forgiving
Purpose This session helps the survivor of abuse to avoid some of the common mistakes people make in forgiving. As a leader, you will help the girls to better understand forgiveness and how to avoid the common mistakes people make in forgiving.
Goals In this session the girls will… • Understand that forgiveness does not obligate them to reconcile with their abusers • Sort out the facts from the fiction about forgiveness • Identify how their abusers need forgiveness
Materials Needed “Myths of Forgiveness” devotion [19.1] “Twelve Facts” guide [19.2] “Twelve Facts” cards [19.3.1-12] “Forgiveness Inventory” worksheet [17.3]
Lesson Begin by saying: It’s easy to make mistakes when it comes to forgiveness. Forgiving is probably one of the hardest things to do right. It helps to distinguish fact from fiction when it comes to forgiveness. That way we can avoid some of the common mistakes people make in forgiving. Read to the girls the “Myths of Forgiveness” devotion [19.1]. Use the following comments and questions to lead group members in discussing this devotion: This reading says: “One common myth is that if we forgive our abusers we must act like everything is okay between them and us. This is not the truth.”
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We need to remember that forgiving and reconciling are two different things. We can forgive anyone. But we should only consider reconciling with those who have proven over time that they are safe and trustworthy. And we don’t have to reconcile with anyone if we don’t want to. This reading also says: “Our forgiveness helps heal us; it does not magically make others safe to be with us. Forgiveness opens the door that frees us from the prison of bitterness and resentment. It changes us. But forgiveness may never change the other person.” Some people will never change, even if they apologize and promise to never hurt us again. We must be wise. With wisdom guiding us, we can avoid people who are unsafe; and we can find the peace and freedom that forgiving brings. Continue by saying It helps to have a better understanding of forgiveness. Let’s spend a little time getting better acquainted with what forgiveness is and is not. Distribute the “Twelve Facts” cards [19.31-12] to the girls. Let them take turns reading the descriptions and explanations on the cards. Conclude by saying: I want you to keep on working on your “Forgiveness Inventories.” Remember, you may not decide to forgive anyone now or ever. All I’m asking is that you complete these inventories, so you can identify how those who have hurt you need forgiveness. Be specific. Include whatever they said or did that hurt you. And include all the losses that they caused you to experience. Create a separate page for each person in your case. Have copies of the “Forgiveness Inventory” worksheet [17.3] on hand in case the girls need extras. Encourage them to continue working on these pages. End the session in prayer.
Healing for the Wounded Heart 148 19:1 Myths of Forgiveness
Abuse often traps us in feelings of bitterness, anger, despair, and revenge. Forgiving other people is the way to escape these feelings. Forgiving others is one way that God has given us to deepen our recovery and to experience healing after abuse. Forgiving is a choice that we face. Despite the value that forgiving our abusers brings to us, we sometimes cling to old misconceptions about forgiveness. If we hold onto these myths, we only slow down and complicate our recovery. One common myth is that if we forgive our abusers we must act like everything is okay between them and us. This is not the truth. Our forgiveness helps heal us; it does not magically make others safe to be with us. Forgiveness opens the door that frees us from the prison of bitterness and resentment. It changes us. But forgiveness may never change the other person. It can be difficult to accept when people do not change. Sometimes we want reconciliation and things to be okay with the people that have hurt us. It is difficult when we really care about them. That can be hard for us to accept. A part of us may miss them. And that can be really confusing. But Jesus tells us that we need to be as wise as snakes and harmless as doves (Matthew 10:16). We cannot allow the desire for reconciliation to jeopardize our own safety or recovery. We must be wise. And neither can we let our feelings of resentment or desire for revenge prevent our healing. We must be harmless. We must forgive but not be fooled by the myths about forgiveness. People believe a lot of myths about forgiveness. But remembering to be wise as snakes and harmless as doves will help us avoid the big mistakes when it comes to forgiveness. Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you; love her, and she will watch over you. —Proverbs 4:6
149 Healing for the Wounded Heart 19:2
12 Facts About Forgiveness Objective: By reading these descriptions, survivors of abuse will better understand forgiveness and some of the misconceptions people have about it.
1. Forgiving DOES NOT mean forgetting. “Forgive and forget” is probably the biggest misconception about forgiveness. Even God doesn’t forget our sins when He forgives them. How could He? He knows everything, so He cannot forget anything. What it means when it says God remembers our sins no more is that He does not bring them against us in judgment. So you don’t have to feel guilty if you cannot forget what someone has done to you. Remembering how abusers lie, act, and manipulate may actually help you and others from becoming their victims again. 2. Forgiving DOES NOT mean acting like what happened wasn’t that bad. What happened to us was wrong and should not have happened. We can only forgive when we see wrong as wrong. Pretending something wasn’t that wrong isn’t forgiveness. It’s pretending. We can only forgive real wrongs. 3. Forgiving DOES NOT mean excusing what they did. Anytime you think that you have to excuse another’s abuse in order to forgive you are not practicing true forgiveness. Think about how God forgives. He brings our sins to the cross where they are judged with severity. He does not act like they are excusable. They aren’t. God does not compromise His understanding of right and wrong in order to forgive. Neither should we. And those who try to persuade us to do so are not looking out for our good. 4. Forgiving DOES NOT mean that you have to have contact with your abusers. The best place to keep a dangerous dog is behind a high fence. Some abusers are too dangerous to contact at all. And even if they have changed that does not mean that we have to be friends with them to truly forgive them. Our forgiveness can be given at whatever distance we feel comfortable with and think is wise. 5. Forgiving DOES NOT mean that your offenders have changed. Sometimes people wait to forgive until their abusers first apologize. But by taking that approach, we give all the power to our abusers to decide when we can move on with our lives. They don’t deserve that power. We can move forward in recovery even when our abusers have not changed. We don’t need their permission or cooperation for us to forgive. But we must watch out. Just because we’ve changed doesn’t mean they have. We may forgive, but that does not make others safe to let into our lives. Wise forgivers keep that in mind.
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6. Forgiving DOES NOT mean reconciliation. Resuming a relationship with someone who has hurt us should be done with caution. The Bible tells wrongdoers: “Produce fruit in keeping with repentance” (Matthew 3:8). Repentance is a change of mind that leads to a change in behavior. Anyone can be sorry for doing wrong. Anyone can apologize. But true repentance is demonstrated by how people live. Be wise. Trust only the trustworthy. And people prove they are trustworthy by their actions, not just their words. Remember: You can forgive people from a distance. Reconciliation is best reserved for people who show by their actions over time that they are safe. 7. Forgiving DOES mean letting go of bitterness. Someone has said that bitterness is the poison we swallow while waiting for the other person to die. Bitterness hurts us. Bitterness is a natural response to being hurt. But no good comes from bitterness. And while justice is right to pursue when we’ve been victims of sexual abuse, justice cannot free us from bitterness. Only one thing can—true forgiveness. Certain wrongs exhaust our capacity to forgive, but God can supernaturally give us the ability to do what we naturally cannot. We had no choice about being sexually abused. We cannot change the past. But we do have a choice if we’re going to spend the rest of our lives living with bitterness. 8. Forgiving DOES mean not obsessing about what happened. It is natural to think about what has happened to us. But it becomes maddening when that’s all we can think about. Thinking about what has happened can consume our lives. And forgiveness is the only way to stop our obsessions from overtaking us. Forgiveness gives our life back. It brings us peace of mind like nothing else can. 9. Forgiving DOES mean entrusting justice to God and civil authorities. The Bible says: “Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord” (Romans 12:19). When some people read this they think that all efforts to secure justice are wrong. That’s not true. The Bible also says: “Learn to do right! Seek justice, encourage the oppressed” (Isaiah 1:17). So seeking justice is the right thing to do. But seeking justice must be done the right way. The courts have been established to promote justice for criminal and civil offenses. But the courts are not perfect. And sometimes they fail. But God never fails. He always does what is right. You have not been forgotten. 10. Forgiving DOES mean that abuse was a part of your life but not the most important part. What is the most important truth about us? Abuse wants to be that most important thing. But it isn’t. There are plenty things more important. We are loved and valued by God. We have a purpose and can make a difference. We
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have gifts and talents. We can love and be loved. We can help others. Yes, we have been abused; but forgiveness sets abuse in its place. By forgiving, we make way for more important things to surface in our lives. 11. Forgiving DOES mean allowing God to redeem your pain. Joseph had an interesting perspective about the many trials that he experienced. He says to his brothers who sold him into slavery: “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives” (Genesis 50:20). Joseph didn’t consider his problems as being something good. But he was able to see how God used these problems to accomplish good. Pain and loss do not have to be the final chapters in our stories. God is able to redeem our pain. And forgiveness helps us to see how. 12. Forgiving DOES mean freedom and healing for you. Forgiveness is a gift that we give ourselves. Our perpetrators may never know of our forgiveness. Some may be dead. And others may be out of our lives for good. Some of them may be living in denial that they have done anything wrong to us. While others may have hard hearts and not care or even want our forgiveness. It doesn’t matter. When we forgive, we give ourselves a gift. We decide that we’re going to move past our pain and resentments to a fuller and richer life. When we forgive, we set our wounded hearts free.
Healing for the Wounded Heart 152 1. Forgiving DOES NOT mean forgetting. 2. Forgiving DOES NOT mean acting like what happened wasn’t that bad. “Forgive and forget” is probably the biggest misconception about forgiveness. Even God What happened to us was wrong and should not doesn’t forget our sins when He forgives them. have happened. We can only forgive when we How could He? He knows everything, so He see wrong as wrong. Pretending something cannot forget anything. What it means when it wasn’t that wrong isn’t forgiveness. It’s pretend- says God remembers our sins no more is that ing. We can only forgive real wrongs. He does not bring them against us in judgment. So you don’t have to feel guilty if you cannot forget what someone has done to you. Remem- bering how abusers lie, act, and manipulate may actually help you and others from becoming their victims again.
3. Forgiving DOES NOT mean excusing what 4. Forgiving DOES NOT mean that you have they did. to have contact with your abusers.
Anytime you think that you have to excuse e best place to keep a dangerous dog is another’s abuse in order to forgive you are not behind a high fence. Some abusers are too practicing true forgiveness. ink about how dangerous to contact at all. And even if they God forgives. He brings our sins to the cross have changed that does not mean that we have where they are judged with severity. He does to be friends with them to truly forgive them. not act like they are excusable. ey aren’t. God Our forgiveness can be given at whatever does not compromise His understanding of distance we feel comfortable with and think is right and wrong in order to forgive. Neither wise. should we. And those who try to persuade us to do so are not looking out for our good.
5. Forgiving DOES NOT mean that your 6. Forgiving DOES NOT mean reconciliation. o!enders have changed. Resuming a relationship with someone who has Sometimes people wait to forgive until their hurt us should be done with caution. e Bible abusers Þrst apologize. But by taking that tells wrongdoers: “Produce fruit in keeping with approach, we give all the power to our abusers repentance” (Matthew 3:8). Repentance is a to decide when we can move on with our lives. change of mind that leads to a change in ey don’t deserve that power. We can move behavior. Anyone can be sorry for doing wrong. forward in recovery even when our abusers Anyone can apologize. But true repentance is have not changed. We don’t need their permis- demonstrated by how people live. Be wise. Trust sion or cooperation for us to forgive. But we only the trustworthy. And people prove they are must watch out. Just because we’ve changed trustworthy by their actions, not just their doesn’t mean they have. We may forgive, but words. Remember: You can forgive people from that does not make others safe to let into our a distance. Reconciliation is best reserved for lives. Wise forgivers keep that in mind. people who show by their actions over time that they are safe.
7. Forgiving DOES mean letting go of 8. Forgiving DOES mean not obsessing about bitterness. what happened.
Someone has said that bitterness is the poison It is natural to think about what has happened we swallow while waiting for the other person to us. But it becomes maddening when that’s all to die. Bitterness hurts us. Bitterness is a natural we can think about. !inking about what has response to being hurt. But no good comes happened can consume our lives. And forgive- from bitterness. And while justice is right to ness is the only way to stop our obsessions from pursue when we’ve been victims of sexual abuse, overtaking us. Forgiveness gives our life back. It justice cannot free us from bitterness. Only one brings us peace of mind like nothing else can. thing can—true forgiveness. Certain wrongs exhaust our capacity to forgive, but God can supernaturally give us the ability to do what we naturally cannot. We had no choice about being sexually abused. We cannot change the past. But we do have a choice if we’re going to spend the rest of our lives living with bitterness. 9. Forgiving DOES mean entrusting justice to 10. Forgiving DOES mean that abuse was a God and civil authorities. part of your life but not the most important part. !e Bible says: “Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is What is the most important truth about us? written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says Abuse wants to be that most important thing. the Lord” (Romans 12:19). When some people But it isn’t. !ere are plenty things more impor- read this they think that all e"orts to secure tant. We are loved and valued by God. We have justice are wrong. !at’s not true. !e Bible also a purpose and can make a di"erence. We have says: “Learn to do right! Seek justice, encourage gis and talents. We can love and be loved. We the oppressed” (Isaiah 1:17). So seeking justice can help others. Yes, we have been abused; but is the right thing to do. But seeking justice must forgiveness sets abuse in its place. By forgiving, be done the right way. !e courts have been we make way for more important things to established to promote justice for criminal and surface in our lives. civil o"enses. But the courts are not perfect. And sometimes they fail. But God never fails. He always does what is right. You have not been forgotten. 11. Forgiving DOES mean allowing God to 12. Forgiving DOES mean freedom and redeem your pain. healing for you.
Joseph had an interesting perspective about the Forgiveness is a gi that we give ourselves. Our many trials that he experienced. He says to his perpetrators may never know of our forgive- brothers who sold him into slavery: “You ness. Some may be dead. And others may be out intended to harm me, but God intended it for of our lives for good. Some of them may be good to accomplish what is now being done, the living in denial that they have done anything saving of many lives” (Genesis 50:20). Joseph wrong to us. While others may have hard hearts didn’t consider his problems as being something and not care or even want our forgiveness. It good. But he was able to see how God used doesn’t matter. When we forgive, we give these problems to accomplish good. Pain and ourselves a gi. We decide that we’re going to loss do not have to be the Þnal chapters in our move past our pain and resentments to a fuller stories. God is able to redeem our pain. And and richer life. When we forgive, we set our forgiveness helps us to see how. wounded hearts free.
Session 20: Steps in Forgiving
Purpose This session helps the survivor of abuse to understand the steps in forgiving. As a leader, you will help the girls to better understand how they can forgive their offenders.
Goals In this session the girls will… • Understand the steps to forgiveness • Examine some decisions they can make to promote their healing • Feel that progress in forgiving their offenders is possible
Materials Needed “10 Steps to Forgiveness” worksheet [20.1] “10 Steps to Forgiveness” leader’s guide [20.2] “My Decisions About My Future” worksheet [20.3]
Lesson Begin by saying: Once we clear up some of the confusion about forgiveness, the next big obstacle is figuring out how to forgive. In this lesson, we want to explore the steps in forgiving. Before we begin, you need to know two things. First, we are not going to rush through this material. We are going to take our time to make sure that we understand these steps. Second, you need to know that no one is going to force you to take any steps that you are not ready to take. If forgiving anyone of anything is not something that you are ready to do, we will respect that. But you do owe it to yourself to learn about these things so you can be informed about forgiveness. Give the girls copies of the “10 Steps to Forgiveness” worksheet [20.1]. Read to the girls the headings and comments from the “10 Steps to Forgiveness” leader’s guide [20.2]. Spend enough time with each step to help them sufficiently
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understand it. Don’t worry if you need extra meetings to complete this lesson. It is more important to help the girls understand than it is to rush through this material. Conclude by saying: This brings us to the end of our study about forgiveness. These steps that we have reviewed are not rules that must be followed in order to forgive. They are guidelines to help you work through the forgiving process, if that is something you choose to do. You have the tools that you need to help you do this work. You’re surround by friends from our group. And God is for you and will give you the strength that you need to continue on your journey. End the session in prayer.
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20:2
10 Steps to Forgiveness Objective: By reading these guidelines, survivors of abuse will better understand how to forgive their offenders.
The “10 Steps to Forgiveness” are not the only way to approach the work of forgiveness. They may not even be the best way. You might find a better way that works for you. Good for you. But we offer these as guides for those seeking help in knowing how to forgive. May God use these guidelines on your journey to greater peace and freedom. 1. Choose to forgive. It all begins with a decision. If you wait until you feel like forgiving your offenders, you probably will never do it. Forgiveness feels unnatural. It feels foreign. So don’t expect to feel otherwise. Regardless of how we feel, we still have the power of choice. Nobody can rob us of that freedom. We are free to choose what we are going to do with our anger and bitterness. Don’t misunderstand this. Our choice to forgive does not necessarily mean that our feelings of anger and bitterness will instantly stop. That’s not what we’re saying. What we’re saying is that despite our feelings of anger and bitterness, we can still choose to forgive. Forgiveness begins with a choice, not a feeling. And we do not have to make that choice until we’re ready. But making that choice does open the door to further healing and freedom for us. 2. Examine yourself. Often after suffering abuse, our thoughts are consumed with our abusers. We hate them for the evil that they did to us. We despise their selfishness and disregard of us. The problem is that our obsession with our offenders leaves us powerless to experience change and healing for ourselves. We cannot change them. We cannot make them truly sorrowful. We cannot make them sincerely apologize. We cannot make them change their character. Sure, in our revenge fantasies, we get even, and they regret having done us wrong. But in reality, we cannot make anyone treat us with the dignity and respect that we deserve. We, however, are not powerless. As long as we focus on our offenders, we remain stuck. But things start to change when we take our eyes off them and decide how we can change. We can grow. We can heal. We can recover. And we do not need the permission or cooperation of anyone else to experience these changes. We can entrust our lives to God and His care. And we believe that He will accomplish His good work in us and through us.
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Leader’s Note At this point, distribute to the girls copies of the “My Decisions About My Future” worksheet [20.3]. Read it through with them. Then say: We are not saying that you have to make any of these decisions. You are free to make whatever decisions you want to about your future. But we believe that these decisions are worth considering and wanted to review them with you, so you can know about them. Read these over in a private moment, and complete this worksheet on your own.
3. Identify their offenses and your losses. We cannot forgive unidentified offenses. An unclear understanding of what our offenders have done and how we have been hurt results in an uncertain forgiveness. We must take the time to identify their offenses and our losses. Maybe they have molested us. Maybe they have betrayed us. Our offenders have robbed us of some important things. Among the things we have lost are… • Healthy relationships with men • Growing up in a home where we were loved and protected • Having a normal and healthy family • Learning about sex on our terms • Having a happy childhood with no worries • The ability to trust • Our childhood • Our innocence • Feeling good about ourselves • Control over our own bodies • Control over our emotions • Feeling safe and secure • Happiness in being alive • Emotional well-being • Healthy self-esteem • Feeling like God loves us and cares about us These are significant losses. So instead of pretending like we haven’t suffered
161 Healing for the Wounded Heart these losses and the loss of other good things, we need to identify exactly how our offenders have hurt us and what they have caused us to lose. 4. Feel your feelings. Forgiveness does not mean ignoring your feelings. It does not mean pretending your feelings do not exist. Forgiveness means feeling your feelings, including all the strong and scary ones. Forgiveness means that we dare to feel our anger, hatred, bitterness and sadness. Then we choose to release these in the sea of forgiveness. When we forgive, we choose to experience life on the other side of our pain and loss. We cannot go back to the way things were before our abuse. And we don’t want to waste the rest of our lives in the desert of our anger and bitterness. Forgiveness takes us to a better land where life can be good again. Forgiveness makes it possible for us to feel feelings that we may have lost. Feelings like relief, peace, joy, freedom, and love awaken through forgiveness. When we think of what was done to us, it is normal to feel anger and bitterness. But when we choose to forgive, we find that new feelings begin to come to life. And these feelings deserve to be nurtured within us. 5. Forgive all you can. As you look over your list of what to forgive, some things may jump out as things that you’re willing to forgive right now. Check them off your list. Cross them out. Decide to forgive these things. And be done with them. But don’t feel bad if you cannot forgive anything or everything at this time. Anytime you forgive something, no matter how small it is, you are making progress. Don’t be a perfectionist. And don’t be hard on yourself. If you are taking one step in the direction of forgiving, even if it is the step of choosing to forgive, it is progress. Recovery is not a race. You do not have to reach the finish line in one big jump. Give yourself credit for deciding to run this race. And give yourself permission to go at your own pace. 6. Share this experience with a trusted friend. You may decide to work through your list on your own. And that’s okay. But you may find it to be really helpful to share this experience with a trusted friend. Sometimes we think that we have to tell our offenders about our choice to forgive. But that’s not always wise. You may, however, have someone in your life that understands forgiveness and respects your choices. It may be good to tell that person about your choices and your progress. Maybe someone from your group can serve in this role.
Healing for the Wounded Heart 162 There is power in the spoken word. Instead of just reviewing your list in your mind, try sharing it aloud with your friend. Say, “Here is my list for this person. These are the ways he has hurt me.” Then say, “These are the things that I have already forgiven.” Then note whatever struggles you are still having. Share your progress and your struggles. Invite your friend to pray for you as you continue this journey. 7. Ask God to help you with what you cannot forgive. You may be ready to forgive certain things. But other things you might find too difficult to forgive at this time. That’s okay. Take note of what you cannot forgive, and ask God to help you to become willing to forgive. Forgiveness requires grace. In other words, you may have the ability within yourself to forgive certain wrongs. But others just seem like too much to forgive. Remember this: Whatever you cannot forgive, God can help you to forgive. No wrong is bigger than God’s ability to forgive. All sin was forgiven on the cross. So you can ask Him for His power to help you to forgive. Then trust Him to supply the power that you lack. Receiving this power may not happen immediately. It may not happen all at once. It might happen over time. But if you invite God to help you, He will. 8. Be patient, and give yourself grace. Imagine if you had a friend who was going through what you have been going through. Now imagine if that friend got this far in recovery and was struggling with forgiving her abusers. Would you be disappointed with her? Would you condemn her for not doing this sooner? Would you be mad at her for not being further in her journey? No. You would be patient with her. As a friend, you probably would be understanding and give her encouragement. If you would respond to someone else like this, then why not treat yourself the same way? You don’t have to be perfect. You don’t have to be finished healing. You can be where you’re at in this process. You can be human. You are permitted to have your struggles. The important thing is that you’re still on this journey. You haven’t quit. And that says a lot. So be patient with yourself, and give yourself grace. 9. Realize that forgiveness is a process. We’ve said it many times and in different ways: Forgiveness is a process. You might have forgiven particular offenses or all that an abuser has done to you. Still old feelings of anger and bitterness may bubble up from time to time. That’s normal. We need to hear this. We need to be reminded that it is normal to have old feelings resurface. When this happens, it does not mean we’re bad or hypocrites. It means that we’re human.
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We don’t have to be frightened by these feelings. And we don’t have to feel like a failure. All we have to do is remember our decision to forgive and renew our commitment to it. Think of these old feelings as invitations. They are invitations to return to a life of anger and bitterness. We don’t have to accept these invitations. We can turn them down. Our peace and freedom is too important to return to ways that no longer serve us. Talk to a trusted friend. Tell your group. Enlist prayer support. And remember that forgiveness is a process. 10. Hold a resolution ceremony. Once you’ve crossed everything off your list for any given person, hold a resolution ceremony. Find something that is meaningful to you. You might want to write a letter to the offender but not send it. You can be as honest as you want to about your struggles and hurts. You can vent your feelings and say anything that you want to say. You can even tell about your journey to forgiveness. You might find it to be helpful to read this letter to a trusted friend or your group. You might decide to burn this letter or bury it somewhere. Or you may choose to keep it in a safe place in your “The Story of My Life” book. It might be helpful to reread it when you have doubts about your growth or forgiveness. Find some resolution ceremony that is meaningful to you. Let it remind you of your journey to recovery and this place of freedom where you now stand.
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20:3 My Decisions About My Future
Many things in life we cannot control. But we can control our decisions. Below is a list of decisions that you can make about your future. Check all that you have made. Put a star next to the ones you want to make. Leave blank those that you chose not to make.
o I have decided not to be defensive about my need for growth and healing. o I have decided that I will not let my feelings of anger, hatred, resentment, and revenge be the main things to shape my life.
o I have decided that I will live with hope. o I have decided that I will quit believing the lies that abuse taught me. o I have decided that in place of those lies to live according to God’s truth. o I have decided that being a victim of abuse or being a survivor of abuse is not the best way to live. Instead, I have decided to live victoriously and pursue the beauty, strength, and creativity that God has given me.
o I have decided that I will not wait for healing to come to me. Instead, I will seek it through involvement in good programs and in relationships with good people who share my desire for growth and healing.
o I have decided to not live in self-pity. o I have decided to not use my abuse as an excuse to live the rest of my life in fear.
o I have decided to trust safe people and seek relationships with others who are spiritually healthy.
o I have decided to resist the temptation to use my status as victim as a form of punishment against those who have harmed me. In other words, I recognize that they owe me, but I have decided to not collect.
o I have decided to not wait for my offenders to apologize or make the first move before seeking growth and healing.
o I have decided to not blame all my problems and disappointments on the fact that I’ve been abused.
o I have decided to learn to love life, others, and God.
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Session 21: The Ceremony of the Water Glasses
Purpose This session helps the survivor of abuse identify the measure of pain that others have brought to her life so she can continue the healing process by grieving and forgiving. As a leader, you will help the girls find more freedom through telling the stories about their pain.
Goals In this session the girls will… • Understand that different people have brought different types of pain to their lives • Tell in their own words the stories associated with those losses • Feel some of the feelings associated with those losses • Invite God to help them to forgive and release that pain
Materials Needed “The Ceremony of the Water Glasses” kit Tray Several towels Seven clear glasses One plain colored glass One ornamental glass Seven white cloth napkins One plain colored napkin One ornamental napkin One ornamental covering Water pitcher Water buckets “The Ceremony of the Water Glasses” guide [21.1] “Levels of My Pain” worksheet [21.2] Art supplies
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Leader’s Note Wounded Healers and Leading By Example In ministering to wounded persons, we make a common mistake when we believe that the most effective way to help them is to offer a lot of advice and instruction. That’s not the best way to help another person to heal. Besides offering a lot of advice and instruction, the second most common mistake that people make when ministering to wounded persons is to be a compassionate listener and sympathizer. While being a compassionate listener and sympathizer is important and usually is a better approach than offering a lot of advice and instruction, it still is not the most effective approach possible. There is a better way to minister to wounded persons. The best way to minister to wounded persons is to share your own wounds with them. But you must share your wounds in a particular way. You must not share your wounds with an attitude that says, “See, everybody has been wounded, so cheer up.” Nor should you share your wounds disguised as a way of offering advice and instruction. You must share your wounds as a wounded healer. A wounded healer leads by example. She shows the wounded persons to whom she is ministering that it is okay to feel feelings. A wounded healer leads by example. She shows the wounded persons to whom she is ministering that there is no shame in speaking about pain. The wounded healer understands that she is not a shameful person because she has experienced pain from being wounded herself. A wounded healer leads by example. She shows the wounded persons to whom she is ministering that she is thorough and honest. She cannot expect others to talk openly about their pain, if she is one who conceals her secret wounds. And the wounded healer leads by example by showing in her own life that God redeems pain. Wounded healers do not have to be completely healed themselves before they can be used by God to help heal others. And they don’t have to have suffered from the same types of hurts. But they should be traveling down the road to healing and growth themselves, so they can legitimately serve as guides to others who are just beginning their journey.
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Lesson Prepare for this activity by having a table positioned in the front of the room. On the table are seven empty clear-glass water glasses wrapped in plain white cloth napkins and laying down on a towel on a large tray. All these items are covered with an ornamental towel or cloth. Two additional colored glass water glasses lay with the other glasses on the tray. These two glasses are different colors from each other and are wrapped separately. One is wrapped in a plain color cloth and the other is wrapped in an ornamental cloth napkin. Near the table are some water buckets filled with water. Also situated on the table are an empty water pitcher and some dry towels. Begin this activity by saying: I am about to demonstrate for you a ceremony that we call “The Ceremony of the Water Glasses.” It is an important ceremony and is not to be observed carelessly. We must take our time and show proper respect for the ceremony and for each other as the ceremony is performed. Furthermore, each of you will have the opportunity to perform this ceremony, if you want. Only one or two will complete this ceremony today. Over the next few meetings, we will meet as many times as needed for each person who wants to have a chance to perform this ceremony. I will begin by demonstrating how to perform this ceremony. But first, I want to pray. Lead the girls in a prayer by saying: Gracious Father in Heaven, thank you for your unfailing love. Thank you for the love that has been present every day of our lives. We know, Lord, that the pain in our lives has sometimes clouded our ability to see your love and feel its warmth like storm clouds that hide the sun. But we know, Lord, that no cloud has the power to remove the sun from the sky. The sun, like your love, has always been there, even through the storms. O great God, Creator of Heaven and earth and lover of our souls, help us to learn to trust in your love. Help us to learn to believe that it has always been there, even through our darkest storms. And we pray that this ceremony will further help to clear our pain clouds away. Now I ask you to give us clear minds and brave hearts as we continue. May You be our strength and comfort, as we seek to be a strength and comfort to each other. We pray this in the name of our faithful Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Amen. Continue the ceremony by saying: As I remove the covering cloth, I see nine glasses wrapped in cloths. Seven are wrapped in white cloths. And two are wrapped in colored cloths. I will talk about those two glasses later. For now, I want to tell you about the cloths wrapped in white.
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These glasses represent important people in our lives who have hurt us in some significant way. Not all hurts are the same. Some may be obvious, coming from the people who abused us or said and did mean things to us. Other hurts are subtler, coming from the people who should have protected, defended, and believed us but didn’t. Sometimes our hurts come from people who have rejected us because of what has happened to us. And some of our hurts come from people who have left us through death or moving away. There are many different ways that pain visits our lives. And there may be many different people who have brought pain to us. This ceremony helps us tell the story of our pain. Next, continue the demonstration by saying: This is the story of my pain. I will not compare it to yours. It is my story, and it deserves to be honored. For me, I will select [say how many glasses] to tell my story. Unwrap enough glasses from the white cloths, and arrange the glasses in a row on the tray, leaving room for one extra glass to be placed in the center a little later in the ceremony. Starting at one end of the row of glasses, assign to the first glass the name of someone who has hurt you in some significant way. Tell the story of how that person hurt you. Then with the water pitcher scoop some water from a bucket and fill the glass to a level to represent the amount of hurt that person brought to your life. The glass may have as little or as much water in it as you choose. Repeat this procedure for each of the glasses, assigning to each glass a different name of someone who has hurt you. Be sure to tell the story of how each person hurt you, and fill the glass accordingly. Next, select the colored glass that is wrapped in the plain color cloth. Unwrap it and place it in the middle of your row of glasses, then say: This glass represents the one person who has hurt me the most in my life. Now, I will tell you about that story. After telling the story of your most significant experience with pain. Pour the water from the picture into the glass so that it fills the glass completely and overflows it. Let the water run down the side of the glass and onto the tray. Continue by saying: This is the story of my pain. I will not compare it to yours. It is my story, and I will honor it. And I honor you by sharing my story with you. And I honor myself by telling it. I reject the lie that some pain is too shameful to speak about. I am not a shameful person because of my pain. So I will speak of it. In a moment, I will show you how we conclude “The Ceremony of the Water Glasses”; but first, I need to explain one other thing.
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Approach the glass that is wrapped in the ornamental cloth and say: This is a special glass. And no water but the water of your tears will fill it, because no amount of water can represent the pain that this glass contains. This glass represents the persons who used you for their pleasure while you were in the sex trade. I realize that not every one of you may have had this experience. So only the girls who have had this experience may touch this glass. If you are allowed to touch this glass, here is how you are to use it. Approach it, and unwrap it. Then hold it in your hand. You don’t have to say anything about it. But if you do choose to say something about it, you may tell whatever memories you wish to share about the pain that this experience brought you. You do not have to be graphic or detailed. You can simply tell how you felt as you recall your experience. You may speak as long or as briefly as you want. When you are done, put this glass on the tray with the other glasses. Continue by saying: Now let me explain how you are to conclude “The Ceremony of the Water Glasses” when it is your turn to perform it. Proceed as I have demonstrated for you. I’ll help you if you cannot remember what to do or say next. Once you have completed the ceremony, pray the prayer that I’ll teach you. Then pour all the water back into the buckets. Rinse the glasses with the clean water from the first bucket. Then dry off all the glasses and tray with the towels. Wrap each glass and arrange them on the tray for the next girl to use. When you finish, pray this prayer. Lead the girls in the following prayer: Dear healing Father, I invite you to help me release my pain like pouring water back into a bucket. With your help, I will find greater freedom through grief and forgiving. I do not expect this to happen all at once or even as fast I want. But I pray that you will give me the strength I need to keep going on as you heal me. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen. Pour the water from the glasses back into the buckets. Rinse each glass with clean water. Dry off each glass and the tray. Then wrap the glasses and arrange them on the tray. Assure the girls that no one will be asked to perform this ceremony before they are ready. And if they never are ready, that’s okay. But tell them that this ceremony may really help them with their healing. Ask for a volunteer to be the first to perform the ceremony. Remind your volunteer that you will guide her through the ceremony each step of the way.
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Have the first girl come and perform the ceremony. Probably for any session, it would be wise to not have more than two girls perform the ceremony. Go at a pace that is not rushed or too overwhelming. Use “The Ceremony of the Water Glasses” guide [21.1] to help the girls complete the ceremony. Give the girls who complete the ceremony a copy of the “Levels of My Pain” worksheet [21.2] to add to their “The Story of My Life” books. Tell them that to remember this activity, they can write the name or symbol of the persons they mentioned in the ceremony on the labels in front of each glass. Then they can color the glass with the level of water that represents the pain that they associate with that person. Supply additional copies, if they need more glasses to color than the ones represented on just one worksheet. End the session in prayer.
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21:1
The Ceremony of the Water Glasses Objective: This step-by-step guide helps leaders guide survivors through “The Ceremony of the Water Glasses.” This ceremony helps survivors find greater healing and freedom by telling the stories about their pain.
The Ceremony of the Water Glasses A Step-by-step Guide for Leaders
Begin with all glasses properly wrapped and laying on the covered tray. Remove the covering of the tray. Remove all wrapped glasses from the tray and set them aside. Place the tray towards the front and center of a table or a designated area on the floor. Select some glasses wrapped in white napkins. Unwrap these glasses and arrange them in a row on the tray, leaving room in the middle for another glass to be added later in the ceremony. Lead the girls in a prayer by saying: Gracious Father in Heaven, I pray for a clear mind and a brave heart as I perform this ceremony. I will accept your comfort and the comfort that you bring to me through my sisters in healing. Be with me now, as I tell the story of my pain. In the name of Jesus I pray. Amen. Have the girl speak to the group and say: This is the story of my pain. I will not compare it to yours. It is my story, and it deserves to be honored. Thank you for witnessing my story and honoring it with me. Instruct the girl to say, “This first glass represents [say name of person and relationship]. This is the story of how he or she hurt me…” Then have the girl tell the story of that pain. Pour some water from the pitcher into the glass so it fills the glass to the level representing the amount of pain that this hurt brought to your life. Repeat this procedure for each of the clear glasses that you have selected. Next, unwrap the colored glass wrapped in the colored napkin. Place the colored glass in the middle of the row of glasses. Instruct the girl to say, “This colored glass represents [say name of person and relationship]. This is the one person who has hurt me the most. And this is the story of how he or she hurt me…” Then have the girl tell the story of that pain. Pour some water from the pitcher into the glass so the water fills the glass to overflowing and spills over onto the tray.
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Instructions for the Ornamental Glass Reserved For Girls Who Have Experienced The Sex Trade
Have the girl speak to the group and say: My name is [name of girl]. And I am a survivor of the sex trade. I honor myself by honoring the truth about my experience. Thank you for witnessing this act and hearing my story and honoring it with me. Have the girl select the ornamented glass, unwrap it, and hold it in her hand. Invite her to share whatever she is able to tell about her experience. Remind her of how to proceed by saying: You do not have to say anything else, if you do not want. But you can tell whatever memories you want to share about the pain that this experience brought you. You do not have to be graphic or detailed. You can simply tell how you felt as you recall your story. You may speak as long or as briefly as you want. If you talk a little too long, I’ll gently interrupt. And we can continue with your story at our next meeting.
Have the girl pray the following prayer: Dear healing Father, I invite you to help me release my pain like pouring water back into a bucket. With your help, I will find greater freedom through grief and forgiving. I do not expect this to happen all at once or even as fast I want. But I pray that you will give me the strength I need to keep going on as you heal me. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen. Have the girl pour all the water back into the buckets. Then have her rinse each glass with the clean water from the first bucket. Then she is to dry off all the glasses and the tray with the towels. Have her wrap each glass and arrange them on the tray for the next girl to use. Have the girl speak to the group and say: Thank you for honoring me by hearing my story. I am not a shameful person because of my pain. This is why I speak about it. By honoring the truth, I honor myself.
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Session 22: Recovery Celebration Parties
Purpose This session helps the survivor of abuse to take a break from the work of recovery and enjoy some fun in recovery. As a leader, you will help the girls to make some time for fun.
Goals In this session the girls will… • Have fun • Enjoy each other’s company • Take a break from the work of recovery
Materials Needed See the description for each event
Lesson Recovery isn’t just about work. It’s about having some fun, too. Your girls have just finished a difficult activity. It’s time to take a break. Select ONE of the following Recovery Celebration Parties to help your girls have some fun. Or if you want, design your own party for the girls to enjoy. Party #1: Princess Party Mixer Game Name of Game: “Upset the Fruit Basket” Supplies needed: A container with as many slips of paper as players. Before playing, write a name of a fruit on each slip of paper. (There can be several slips with the same name.) How to play: Pass around the container, and have everyone pick a slip of paper from the container. Do not show anyone what’s on the paper. Have the group sit in a circle with one less chair (or space) than there are people. The extra person stands in the middle. The person in the middle calls out the name of a fruit, then yells “go!” The people with the slip of paper with that name of the fruit stand up and change seats. At the same time, the person in
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the middle tries to get to one of the empty seats. The person who doesn’t get a seat is now the person in the middle. Repeat the process. As an option, the person in the middle may call out, “Upset the fruit basket.” When she does that everyone has to get to another chair. Main Activity Everyone makes a tiara (crown) and then wears it around during the party. Supplies needed: crown base, glue, glitter, beads, markers and crayons Devotion Prepare a brief devotion based on Psalm 45:10-15. You are a daughter of the King. Every little girl dreams about being a princess. Even though you may have experienced hurtful things or people that have broken your dreams, God loves you and wants you to be His princess. Refreshments: cookies, fruit, soda
Party #2: Pamper Party Mixer Game Name of Game: “Balloon Pop” Supplies needed: Balloons for every person, chairs How to play: Divide your group into teams. Each team lines up in a single line at the starting line. A chair is placed 30 feet away. Each team member has a deflated balloon. One at a time, the girls run to the chair, blow up the balloon, tie it, and then pop it by sitting on the balloon. Then they run back to the team and go to the end of the line. The first team to pop all their balloons wins. Activity Everyone gets their fingernails and toenails painted by each other, their hair brushed and combed, and their faces cleaned. Supplies needed: nail polish, toe rings, barrettes, combs, brushes, lotions, face masque, etc. Devotion Prepare a brief devotion based on John 1:12. You are God’s child. God wants to be your true and loving Father. He wants to be a Father who takes care of you and holds you in His arms. He wants you to be His child. Refreshments: vegetables and dip
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Party #3: Silly Party Mixer Game: Name of Game: “Mingle Game” Supplies needed: A loud bell, whistle, or a stick and a pot for banging on How to play: Everyone goes to the center of the room with their arms at their sides. They keep moving but crowd toward the center. The leader rings the bell, whistles, or bangs the pot and then yells out a number. If the number is four, for example, everyone must get into groups of four, lock arms, and sit down. Do this several times. Then start eliminating the groups that are not in the proper amount that was yelled until everyone has been eliminated. Activity Everyone colors, plays jacks, jump ropes, and plays with paper dolls (or other childhood games) Supplies needed: coloring books, crayons, jacks, jump ropes, paper doll sets, etc. Devotion Prepare a brief devotion based on Ecclesiastes 3:1,4. God has a plan for your life. Even though you may have experienced difficult times, God wants what is best for you. There is a time to cry and there is a time to laugh. Refreshments: candy and cookies
Party #4: Flower Party Mixer Game: Name of Game: “Beans” Supplies needed: An envelope and twenty beans for each person How to play: Each person is given an envelope containing 20 beans. The girls walk around to each other offering someone else the chance to guess the beans in their closed hand. Players approach each other and say, “odd?” or “even?” If the person guesses correctly, she gets the beans. If she guesses wrong, she must give up the same number of beans that the winner is holding. Set a time limit and whoever has the most beans at the end wins a prize. When a player’s beans are all gone, she is out and must sit down.
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Activity Decorate and make pots of flowers Supplies needed: clay pots, paints, brushes, potting soil, plants Devotion Prepare a brief devotion based on Psalm 139:13-14. You are wonderfully made by God. God created flowers and each kind of flower is beautiful and different. God loves you even more than the flowers. He has created each one of you to be beautiful and different. Refreshments: fruit
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Session 23: Understanding Your Sexuality
Purpose This session helps the survivor of abuse to better understand her sexuality. As a leader, you will help the girls to explore some of the issues they may be facing regarding their sexuality.
Goals In this session the girls will… • Understand that struggles about sexual feelings are not unusual • Realize that that their sexual feelings do not separate them from God’s love • Realize that not all survivors struggle with their sexuality in the same way • Choose to manage their sexuality in responsible ways
Materials Needed “Stacy Letter #3” [23.1] “Reply to Stacy #3.1” [23.2] “Reply to Stacy #3.2” [23.3] “The Rose and the Mask” worksheet [23.4]
Lesson Begin by saying: Gender and sexuality are an important part of life. We do not experience life just as humans. We experience life as male and female. Our gender and sexuality is woven into how we see others and ourselves. This is an important part of life. Abuse affects our understanding of our sexuality. And like other areas of our lives, we need to reclaim this area for ourselves. It may take time to experience healing in this area. And it may come with a struggle. Let’s listen to another girl’s experience with this. Read “Stacy Letter #3” [23.1] to the girls. Then say: Stacy writes: “I have feelings about sex that I know are wrong, but I can’t
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shut them off.…I feel like such a pervert. God must be sick of me. I know that I’m sick of all this.” Many people, not just people who have been abused, struggle with their feelings about sex. That’s normal. It’s easy to feel ashamed about this. And it’s common to feel condemned for having these feelings. But feeling shame and condemnation doesn’t help us with understanding and managing our sexuality. Let’s see if we can get some insight about understanding our sexuality. Read “Reply to Stacy #3.1” [23.2] to the girls. Use the following comments and questions to review this letter: Pastor Kerry writes: “No sexual desire disqualifies you from God’s love.” We need to hear this and let this truth work its way into our hearts. Like Stacy, we sometimes feel bad about ourselves and think that God hates us. But that’s not true. God loves you, and nothing you can think, feel, or do changes that. Here’s a saying that is helpful to remember: “No matter what, God still loves me.” Let’s say that together. Lead the girls in saying: “No matter what, God still loves me.” Then say: Continue by saying: We need to remember this when we’re struggling with our sexual feelings. That’s important. Getting back to what Pastor Kerry says, he writes: “Just because there is no sexual desire that disqualifies you from God’s love doesn’t mean all sexual desires are harmless or healthy.…So we must be wise in how we understand our sexual desires and how to manage them.” People have all types of sexual desires. Some of them can be expressed in legitimate ways between a husband and wife in marriage. But others would only do harm by acting on them. Having a wise counselor to talk with can really be helpful in knowing how to manage these feelings. And it can help to know that you’re not weird for having whatever feelings you have. The Bible says, “The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure” (1 Corinthians 10:13 NLT). Pastor Kerry writes: “You have been sexually abused. That means that some of your earliest—or perhaps only—experiences with sex are associated with pain and shame. What God meant to be a beautiful thing for a husband and
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wife to share was turned into something confusing and ugly by your abuser.” We cannot turn back the clock to life before our abuse. That’s not possible. What is possible is realizing that our experience with abuse does not reveal the truth about what sex is meant to be. God created sex. It was not the devil’s idea but God’s. God meant for sex to be a beautiful experience of love and closeness between a husband and wife. This is what sex is meant to be. This beautiful side of sex hasn’t gone away. It’s still there. The problem is that our first experiences with sex didn’t introduce us to its beautiful side. So it may take us some time to see that side of sex. That’s okay. Take the pressure off yourself and let yourself begin to heal in this area, too. Whether you marry or remain single, ask God to help you to grow to appreciate sex for what He meant it to be. Read “Reply to Stacy #3.2” [23.3] to the girls. Use the following comments to review this letter: In her letter to Stacy, Dr. Beale writes: “As you continue in your recovery, you’ll be better able to sort through your sexual desires and impulses. You’ll grow in your ability to understand the differences between your reactions to your abuse versus your God-given sexuality.” Here’s one way to think about this: Abuse trained us to think about sex in a particular way. But that training did not help. Now, we need to learn healthier ways of thinking about sex and our sexuality. This will come as we heal and recover. Dr. Beale also writes: “God designed our bodies to enjoy sex. And He intends for marriage to be the place where we experience the gift of sex. It can be confusing when our bodies and hearts respond to the pleasure and attention we may receive from those who are taking advantage of us. Many people who have been abused feel bad for feeling pleasure or attraction to one degree or another from their past experiences. What happened to you does not mean you’re bad. It means you’re normal. Emotional and sexual needs are normal. What was wrong was that untrustworthy persons took advantage of them.” We’ve already made this point, but we probably need to hear it again. There’s nothing wrong with our emotional needs and sexual responses. We were not wrong for having needs. We were not wrong for any of our responses. People took advantage of us. That was the wrong. They bear the responsibility, not us.
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Give each girl a copy of “The Rose and the Mask” worksheet [23.4]. Conclude by saying: If we took an ugly mask and covered a beautiful rose with it, we would not change the true nature of the flower. All the mask does is conceals the beauty of the rose. In many ways, that’s what sexual abuse does with our understanding of sex. It conceals the true nature of something truly beautiful. After suffering abuse, it takes time and work to see this flower for what it truly is. But we can learn to see the mask as a lie that hides the beauty of the rose. End the session in prayer.
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Stacy Letter #3 Objective: By reading this letter, survivors of abuse will understand that they might struggle with their sexual desires and feel judged by God and that something is wrong with them.
Dear Dr. Beale and Pastor Kerry, I wanted to write you both to ask you about something that has been really, really bothering me. I have feelings about sex that I know are wrong, but I cannot shut them off. I’m so embarrassed to tell you about this. But I really need your help. I feel like such a pervert. God must be sick of me. I know that I’m sick of all this. Please tell me what to do. Your friend, Stacy
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23:2
Reply to Stacy #3.1 Objective: By reading this letter, survivors of abuse will understand that that there is no sexual desire that disqualifies them from God’s love but sexual desires must be managed wisely. Also, they will understand that sexual healing is possible but not necessary to live a rich and full life.
Dear Stacy, Thank you for sharing your thoughts with Dr. Beale and me. I respect your courage, and I’m glad that you wrote to us. Let me share with you some of my thoughts. No sexual desire disqualifies you from God’s love.That’s right.There is no sexual desire that you can feel that separates you from God’s love.You need to understand this. But there is something else that you need to understand. Just because there is no sexual desire that disqualifies you from God’s love doesn’t mean all sexual desires are harmless or healthy. Let’s face it. People’s sexual desires have brought a lot of pain and problems into your life. Some sexual desires when acted upon can be extremely damaging. If anyone knows this, survivors do. Survivors know firsthand the suffering that sexual desires can bring. So we must be wise in how we understand our sexual desires and how to manage them. People have different desires when it comes to sex. Some don’t have any desire for sex.They hate it, fear it, and find it to be disgusting. For others sex is all they think about. Some have desires for the opposite sex. Others have desires for the same sex. Some desires scare us, because we want forbidden things.We may want what will hurt us or hurt others. It can be really confusing. Christians sometimes try to shame us for the sexual desires that we have.They may act like we’re bad for what we desire. But that doesn’t help.We have to be clear in how we think about this.There is no sexual desire we can feel that separates us from God’s love. But we must be wise in how we manage our sexual desires. Not all sexual desires lead to healthy and harmless behaviors. Paul writes:“Do not offer the parts of your body to sin, as instruments of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God, as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer the parts of your body to him as instruments of righteousness” (Romans 6:13).Then in 1 Corinthians, he says,“The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body” (1 Corinthians 6:13).We must learn how to honor God with our bodies. You have been sexually abused.That means that some of your earliest—or perhaps only—experiences with sex are associated with pain and shame.What God meant to be a beautiful thing for a husband and wife to share was turned into something confusing and ugly by your abuser. And to make matters worse, people sometimes treat victims of abuse like what happened to them was their fault. It isn’t. Abusers bear the full responsibility for their wrongdoing.You were the victim. It was not your fault. And if nobody else believes that, you must. It was not your fault. Still, you have to live with the aftermath of your abuse. And that may mean your beliefs and feelings about sex need healing, too. Like other parts of your recovery, this takes time and work. It means choosing to bring into the light your struggles and fears. It means surrounding yourself with wise and loving people—people who will guide and support you on your journey, people who will give you something better than their shame or judgment. And if you eventually choose to marry, it means selecting a mate who is understanding and patient.
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Sexual healing is possible. Many survivors experience this with time and work. But sometimes the healing we desire doesn’t always happen as fast as we want it to happen. Sometimes we live with brokenness in this area. If that’s the case, we need to understand that we can still have rich and meaningful relationships.We can still live abundant and purposeful lives. God always gives us enough grace for whatever life brings. And it’s my prayer that you’ll know His full healing as you continue with your recovery program and your life of faith. Don’t give up.You’ve come too far. God still has plenty of good things in store for you. Write anytime you want. Your friend, Kerry Decker
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23:3
Reply to Stacy #3.2 Objective: By reading this letter, survivors of abuse will understand that their sexual identity has been wounded, but this can be healed as it too is brought into the recovery process.
Dear Stacy, I’m impressed by your progress and growth.You’ve learned an important skill to help your recovery, that is being honest with people you’ve found to be trustworthy. Another important skill you are showing is a curiosity about yourself, your feelings, needs and desires.That’s good. Your sexual identity has been wounded. So it’s understandable to wonder if your sexual feelings are good. Our sexuality is formed by our sexual experiences—good, bad and traumatic. Healing of our sexuality takes time and work. But it’s possible. As Christians, we have the Bible to help us understand sexuality. God created sex for a husband and wife to share and enjoy. In Genesis, God says that everything He creates is good. Sex is one of those good things that God gave us. Unfortunately, sin and shame came into God’s perfect world. Sex remains good, but people can misuse and abuse it. Having lived through abuse, you know that firsthand. As you continue in your recovery, you will be better able to sort through your sexual desires and impulses. You will grow in your ability to understand the differences between your reactions to your abuse versus your God-given sexuality. God designed our bodies to enjoy sex. And He intends for marriage to be the place where we experience the gift of sex. It can be confusing when our bodies and hearts respond to the pleasure and attention we may receive from those who are taking advantage of us. Many people who have been abused feel bad for feeling pleasure or attraction to one degree or another from their past experiences.What happened to you does not mean you’re bad. It means you’re normal. Emotional and sexual needs are normal.What was wrong was that untrustworthy persons took advantage of them. Hopefully, we can talk more about your struggles. It can really help to have someone to help you sort through your sexual thoughts and feelings. Bring this part of you into the recovery process.Your sexual identity needs healing as well as your emotional identity. Many Blessings, Lisa Beale
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Session 24: Sex and the Bible
Purpose This session helps the survivor of abuse to better understand what the Bible teaches about sex. As a leader, you will help the girls to gain peace in their relationship with God and grow in their understanding of the Bible.
Goals In this session the girls will… • Learn some of what the Bible teaches about sex • Understand that God accepts them even though they may struggle with their sexuality • Realize that God created sex to be a beautiful experience for a husband and wife to share • Choose to avoid sexual sin but also understand God’s forgiveness and grace
Materials Needed “Stacy Letter #4” [24.1] “Reply to Stacy #4” [24.2] “The Rose and Thorns” handout [24.3]
Lesson Begin by saying: Often when we love God and want to follow the Bible we feel bad about our sexual struggles. God wants us to grow in our recovery. And He gives us all the grace that we need to make this journey. Listen to what one girl says about this. Read “Stacy Letter #4” [24.1] to the girls. Then say: Stacy writes: “It is good to know that God is there for me, even with my problems. Sometimes I do not feel very close to Him. And having these struggles does not help.” It is good to know that God is there, even in our problems. The Bible says:
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“So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most” (Hebrews 4:16). God is always there to help us. Even when we do not feel close to Him, God is still there waiting to help us. We do not have to have victory over every struggle before God accepts us. What we need is to develop the habit of coming to Him at all times—in victory and defeat, in joy and struggle. Read “Reply to Stacy #4” [24.2] to the girls. Use the following comments to review this letter: Pastor Kerry writes: “Let us face it. We get our ideas about sex from a lot of places—society, family and friends, even abusers shape how we think about sex. Instead, I think we are better off to let our thinking be shaped by God’s Word.” Something is going to be the main factor in shaping our understanding about sex. It might be our abuse. But to reclaim our sexuality, we need to make it God’s Word. Pastor Kerry also writes: “One of the first truths the Scriptures reveal about sex is that it is God’s creation, not the devil’s.…Within marriage, loving sex is sweet, passionate, and pleasing to God. There is nothing nasty about it.” Sex is not something nasty. It is a beautiful creation by God that is meant to be enjoyed by both husband and wife. We need to understand that God created our bodies to enjoy sex. That is why some of us felt physical pleasure when experiencing sex. That does not mean we are bad or nasty. It just means that our bodies were responding the way they were created to respond. That is normal. Others may have felt disgusted or numb during sex. That does not mean we are weird or that something is wrong with us. That is the way our bodies sometimes cope with pain and trauma. It does not help us to spend a lot of time reviewing the past and condemning ourselves for what we felt or didn’t feel during sex. Now is the time to move forward in our healing and recovery. What our abusers did to us was wrong and ugly. We weren’t wrong. They were. And sex does not have to be ugly. It honors God and is beautiful when used the right way. As Pastor Kerry said, “Within marriage, loving sex is sweet, passionate, and pleasing to God. There is nothing nasty about it.” It would be nice if once we decided to follow God that all our confusion about and struggles with sex would be over. But it does not work that way. It takes time to grow and heal. We are not always going to do things right from the very start. But the important thing is not where we’ve been or how we have failed. The important thing is the direction we are heading. And as long as we are heading towards God, we are going in the right direction for healing and recovery.
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Give each girl a copy of “The Rose and Thorns” handout [24.4]. Then say: The rose is a beautiful flower with a beautiful fragrance. It can bring us a lot of joy and pleasure. But a rose can bring us pain, if we are not careful. All along the stem of the rose are sharp thorns. And they can hurt us, if we do not handle the rose correctly. Sex is like the rose. It is something beautiful that God has created. But when it is misused, it brings a lot of pain. We do not have to let our memories of abuse or our own fears be the main thing to shape our attitudes about sex. God’s Word is true. And in it we learn how to enjoy the beauty of the rose. Instruct the girls to add this page to their “The Story of My Life” books. End the session in prayer.
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24:1
Stacy Letter #4 Objective: By reading this letter, survivors of abuse will understand that struggles with their sexual desires can easily leave them feeling distant from God. A better understanding of the Bible can help them settle some of this confusion.
Dear Pastor Kerry, Thank you for writing to me. It really helps to have someone that I can talk to about the struggles that I’m having. I’m glad that Dr. Beale and you have been there for me. It helped me to hear that no sexual desire I could have can separate me from God’s love. I guess I never thought of it that way before. It’s good to know that God is there for me, even with my problems. Sometimes I don’t feel very close to Him. And having these struggles doesn’t help. I really do love God and want to do the right thing. But sometimes I get so confused. Maybe you could help me understand a little more about what the Bible says about sex. I think that might help me. Your friend, Stacy
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24:2
Reply to Stacy Letter #4 Objective: By reading this letter, survivors of abuse will gain a basic understanding of what the Bible teaches about sex.
Dear Stacy, Thank you for writing. I appreciate your desire to learn and your honesty about your struggles. No single letter that I could write would adequately cover the topic of what the Bible teaches about sex. But I hope that this letter will serve as a good starting point. I think that the way to properly understand sex is to correctly understand what the Bible says. Let’s face it. We get our ideas about sex from a lot of places—society, family and friends, even abusers shape how we think about sex. Instead, I think we’re better off to let our thinking be shaped by God’s Word.The Apostle Paul says,“Do not be like the people of this world, but let God change the way you think.Then you will know how to do everything that is good and pleasing to him” (Romans 12:2 CEV).That’s good advice. Learning to see human sexuality from a biblical perspective is the first step to developing a healthy and holy outlook on sex. Before I go on, let me say one thing. Not everything Christians tell you about sex is accurate. So you need to be wise and learn to sort out some of this for yourself. One of the first truths the Scriptures reveal about sex is that it’s God’s creation, not the devil’s. It was God who created male and female. It was God who gave the command to be fruitful and increase in number (Genesis 1:28). It was God who gave humanity the gift of sex. Furthermore, God not only gave us the gift of sex, but He intended it for our pleasure.The writer of Proverbs says:“Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you. Rejoice in the wife of your youth. She is a loving deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts satisfy you always. May you always be captivated by her love” (Proverbs 5:18,19).Within marriage, loving sex is sweet, passionate, and pleasing to God.There’s nothing nasty about it. The Bible does place certain restrictions on sex. Sex is meant for marriage. And sex within marriage should be governed by mutual respect.These restrictions aren’t meant to frustrate us or to deny us pleasure. God’s restrictions on sex are designed to protect this precious and beautiful gift from being cheapened and becoming ugly. God’s commands about sex are for your benefit. Christians who see sex from a biblical perspective might still struggle with their sexual urges—whether heterosexual or homosexual desires, whether acceptable or forbidden practices. Struggles rage in the soul. And discouragement follows sin, whether sin committed in the mind or with the body. Adopting what the Bible says helps with our struggles:“The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand.When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure” (1 Corinthians 10:13 NLT). You do not have to give in to sin. God always provides a way of escape, but it’s up to you to take it. God has the resources to help you with your struggles. Sometimes He completely removes troubling temptations. But usually, He gives us the resources to cope. Jesus told the Apostle Paul:“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Corinthians 12:9). In Christ, you have everything that you need to live a life that pleases God, including His mercy and grace when you fail.The Apostle John says:“My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin. But if anybody does sin, we have one who speaks to the Father in our defense—Jesus Christ, the Righteous One” (1 John 2:1). Flee from sexual immorality. Don’t give in to your temptations. Honor God with your body. And learn to properly manage your sexuality. Your friend, Kerry Decker
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Session 25: Successfully Failing
Purpose This session helps the survivor of abuse to understand that the journey to healing and growth is not a steady climb of progress. Failure and setbacks are a part of the journey. As a leader, you will help the girls to learn how to respond successfully to failure.
Goals In this session the girls will… • Realize that some people will abandon the healing process for a variety of reasons • Understand that no other pursuit is a substitute for healing • Learn how to respond successfully to failure • Compare and contrast healthy and unhealthy responses to failure
Materials Needed “Stacy Letter #5” [25.1] “Reply to Stacy #5” [25.2] “Managing Failure” devotion [25.3] “Successfully Failing” worksheet [25.4] Art supplies
Lesson Begin by saying: Not everyone who begins the journey of recovery continues with the healing process. Some grow frustrated and quit. Some get tired of doing the work. And others find diversions to distract them. Stacy writes about this in a letter to Dr. Beale Read “Stacy Letter #5” [25.1] to the girls. Then say: Stacy writes: “I can’t believe that she quit just because she wants to spend more time with her boyfriend. It’s not that he’s a bad guy. I just think that she needs to focus first on healing rather than jumping into a relationship.”
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Don’t be confused. We are not saying that having a boyfriend is a bad thing. We want to see you happy and thriving. We want you to have happy relationships. We want you to find a good and satisfying job. We want you to improve your education and skills. We want good things to come to everyone of you. We want your dreams to come true. But we also know this: There is no substitute for healing and recovery. Neither a man nor a job nor a family nor an education nor money nor success can substitute for healing and recovery. This is something that you must do to have a full and satisfying life. There are no shortcuts. We want the best for you. That’s why we encourage girls to work this recovery program and make healing a top priority. Read “Reply to Stacy #5” [25.2] to the girls. Use the following comments to review this letter: Dr. Beale writes: “There are many reasons people stop the recovery process. It’s good to know about them. One is when they are in a lot of pain. That’s when it’s easy to get discouraged and drop out. Another reaction is to trying to stop the pain by acting out in some way—sexually, overeating, substance abuse, or other self-destructive acts like cutting one’s self. Another way is to think that we are finished and don’t need recovery anymore. Recovery is an ongoing process that keeps us moving forward out of old patterns. Another problem is thinking that success, achievement, money, or a romantic relationship can substitute for the recovery process. People think: Now that I have (fill in the blank), I don’t need recovery anymore.” We need to be aware of the different reasons that people abandon the recovery process. That might help us to keep going when we feel like giving up. Dr. Beale also says, “You have experienced much growth and healing and there is more to come.” That’s true for each of you. You have come this far in the process. You have learned a lot. You have discovered tools and resources for living a victorious life. Nobody on this journey makes steady progress all the time. But if you don’t quit, you’ll look back and see how far you’ve come. Keep going. It’s worth it. Introduce the “Managing Failure” devotion by saying: The journey to healing and growth is not a steady climb of progress. Failure and setbacks are a part of the journey. That’s why it’s important to learn how to respond successfully to failure. This devotion talks about that. Read the “Managing Failure” devotion [25.3] to the girls. Review this devotion by saying: This devotion says: “When some people fail, they hate themselves for it. They let that experience become another piece of evidence in the case that condemns them. They give up. And that is the biggest mistake.”
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It is easy to fall into this trap. But instead of making failure the end of our journey, we need to treat it as a detour. We can learn from it and resume traveling the path to healing and recovery. This devotion continues by saying: “When other people fail, they fail the right way. They take their failures to God and confess them.…They confess their failures to other people who support their healing and growth.…They reflect on their failures and think how they can learn from them. So their failure is not wasted and becomes a learning experience.” Abuse conditioned us to think and act certain ways. It would be wonderful once we decided to seek healing that all those old lies and habits would just disappear. But that’s not the way it works. It takes time to heal. It takes time to grow. You are not always going to get things right. But the important thing is that even when things go wrong you respond in the right way. Remember what this devotion says: “God knows that those who decide to heal and grow are going to fail. Our failure does not cancel His unfailing love for us. And that love supplies us with enough grace to keep us on the path.” Give each girl a copy of “Successfully Failing” worksheet [25.4]. Then say: Everybody on the road to recovery will experience failure. So failure doesn’t determine if we are going to continue to heal and grow. It’s how we respond to failure that makes the difference. There are plenty of healthy and unhealthy ways to respond to failure. On this worksheet, we find ten unhealthy and ten healthy ways compared and contrasted. Isolation – Connection. When some people fail, they isolate. They stay away from their support group and those who will encourage their growth. But people who successfully fail maintain that connection. Denial – Confession. Denial is a typical unhealthy response to failure. We excuse, rationalize, or minimize what we have done. But truth is the friend of those who successfully fail. And they confess that truth to God and others who will pray for them. Discouragement and despair – Hope. People who let failure get the best of them grow discouraged and despair over their failures. But people who successfully fail don’t lose hope. Their hope is in God’s grace. And they hope that by continuing on the path of healing and recovery that they will make progress. Self-hatred – Accepting grace. Self-hatred never helps anyone grow. It only reinforces a negative self-image. People who successfully fail understand that grace and mercy are available when they need it most. They understand that God doesn’t require perfection. He wants us to live by faith, and that includes having faith in His grace. Staying stuck – Moving on and growing. When some people fail, they stay stuck. They let their failure be the last chapter in their recovery story.
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But those who successfully fail keep moving on and growing. For them, failure may be a part of their story; but it isn’t the end of their story. Promising never to do “that” again – Gaining deeper awareness and learning new skills. People who fail at failing think that making promises will ensure their success. But all promises do is guarantee defeat. If we had the willpower to overcome all our failures with a promise, then there would be no need for God’s grace and mercy. Instead, those who successfully fail learn from their failures. They learn what triggered their relapse. They learn what people, things, or places to avoid. They learn old habits of thinking that need exposure to the truth. They learn all kinds of things from their failures, especially that promises don’t guarantee success. Trying to be perfect – Seeking healing and growth. People who try to be perfect will always be disappointed. The smallest mistake can bring their emotional well-being crashing down. But people who successfully fail decide the best thing to seek is healing and growth. And even when they don’t seek that perfectly, they know they can still make progress. Blaming and making excuses – Taking ownership and responsibility. People who blame and make excuses always see themselves as victims. Circumstances are against them. The world is against them. They might even believe that God is against them. But people who successfully fail take ownership and responsibility for their lives—even their failures. They know that there is a right way to respond to wrong. And that right way is taking ownership and responsibility. Seeking unhealthy relationships – Strengthening healthy relationships. It isn’t hard to find friends who will make improper allowances for our failures. Unhealthy people attract unhealthy people. But people who successfully fail seek to strengthen their healthy relationships. They know that healthy people are their best allies for growth and healing. These friends become their truest friends. Refusing help and resisting change – humility. Maybe a Bible verse can sum up this point best. In Proverbs we read: “Before his downfall a man’s heart is proud, but humility comes before honor” (Proverbs 18:12). With humility, we seek grace and welcome help from God and others. And that is the best way to successfully fail. Continue by saying: What I want you to do is review this list and mark how you typically respond to your failures. Be honest. No one else needs to see your responses. Make it your goal to adopt these healthy responses whenever you fail. Ask God to give you the strength to do this. Tell them to add this page to their “The Story of My Life” books. Then end the session in prayer.
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25:1
Stacy Letter #5 Objective: By reading this letter, survivors of abuse will understand that sometimes people abandon the healing process for other pursuits that they think are more important.
Dear Dr. Beale, I am really mad at Crystal. She’s the one who told me about this group and invited me to join. And she’s the one who encouraged me to write to you. Now, she has quit the group to be with a guy. I can’t believe it! I think that I’m more hurt than mad. But I’m mad too. I can’t believe that she quit just because she wants to spend more time with her boyfriend. It’s not that he’s a bad guy. I just think that she needs to focus first on healing rather than jumping into a relationship. I don’t know what I expect for you to do about it. I guess I just wanted to tell someone how I was feeling. Your friend, Stacy
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Reply to Stacy #5 Objective: By reading this letter, survivors of abuse will understand some of the reasons that others drop out of the recovery process. And they will decide to keep actively seeking their own recovery.
Dear Stacy, I can only imagine how confusing it is for you to have Crystal drop out of the group. I know that you also on occasion have talked about dropping out. Most people in the recovery process feel this way from time to time. Recovery is a painful but healing process. Sometimes, when we are in the midst of the pain, we don’t believe that we will ever feel better or that our wounds will heal. At those times, it’s good to reflect on the progress we have made.You have come a long way in being completely honest with what happened to you and dealing with it in the group! Crystal has also come a long way in her recovery.There are many reasons people stop the recovery process. It’s good to know about them. One is when they are in a lot of pain.That’s when it’s easy to get discouraged and drop out. Another reaction is trying to stop the pain by acting out in some way—sexually, overeating, substance abuse, or other self-destructive acts like cutting one’s self. Another way is to think that we are finished and don’t need recovery anymore. Recovery is an ongoing process that keeps us moving forward out of old patterns. Another problem is thinking that success, achievement, money, or a romantic relationship can substitute for the recovery process. People think: Now that I have (fill in the blank), I don’t need recovery anymore. Probably one of these describes Crystal’s situation.The best you can do is to be there for her at this time. Part of your recovery is encouraging others but not rescuing them. It is okay to be honest with her and to let her know how you feel about her leaving the group. Encourage her to explore her own motivations for leaving the group. It is important that you learn from others in the group. Even their mistakes can help you from going down the same road. I hope you understand that each person’s recovery has its ups and downs. Every stressful experience we face and work through is an opportunity for further healing. Please learn from this disappointment and continue in your recovery process.You have experienced much growth and healing and there is more to come. Blessings, Lisa Beale
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25:3 Managing Failure
Everybody who decides to heal and grow is going to fail. There will be some setback, relapse, obstacle, or complication along the way. That is just the way it is. Nobody who decides to heal and grow takes off down the path and never stumbles again. Failure is part of the process. But what we do with failure is what makes all the difference. When some people fail, they hate themselves for it. They let that experience become another piece of evidence in the case that condemns them. They give up. And that is the biggest mistake. Think about Peter and his life. What would have happened to Peter if he allowed his denial of Christ to become the biggest factor to shape his life? His leadership of the early church and the two New Testament books that he wrote would have been lost forever. All the good that God could work in and through Peter’s life would never have happened. But Peter accepted God’s grace and continued with his life in Christ. When some people fail, they hate themselves for it and quit. When other people fail, they fail the right way. They take their failures to God and confess them. The Bible says, “But if we confess our sins to God, he can always be trusted to forgive us and take our sins away” (1 John 1:9 CEV). They confess their failures to other people who support their healing and growth. Again, the Bible says, “Make this your common practice: Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you can live together whole and healed” (James 5:16 The Message). They reflect on their failures and think how they can learn from them. So their failure is not wasted and becomes a learning experience. Obviously, when we are serious about growth and healing, we will take failure seriously but not so seriously that we get discouraged and quit. God knows that those who decide to heal and grow are going to fail. Our failure does not cancel His unfailing love for us. And that love supplies us with enough grace to keep us on the path. Everybody who decides to heal and grow is going to fail. So the secret is to fail the right way. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” —2 Corinthians 12:9
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Session 26: Taking the Next Steps
Purpose This session helps the survivor of abuse to face the uncertainty of the future and commit to a life of continued healing and growth. As a leader, you will encourage the girls to live a life of love and service and to take some time to celebrate their progress.
Goals In this session the girls will… • Realize that in the midst of life’s uncertainties they can count on the certainty of God’s faithfulness. • Choose to continue with their healing and growth • Choose to live a life of love and service • Celebrate their progress
Materials Needed “Managing Uncertainty” devotion [26.1] “Balloons” worksheet [26.2] “Banners” worksheet [26.2] “Bows” worksheet [26.2] “Hearts” worksheet [26.2] “Celebrating My Growth” worksheet [26.3] Poster board or banner Art supplies
Lesson Begin by saying: We have come to the end of the “Healing for the Wounded Heart” program. It has been a long and sometimes difficult journey. But it has been worth it. Even though we have come to the end of this program, we have not come to
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the end of our journey of healing and growth. Healing and growth are meant to be a lifelong process that brings life long rewards. As we continue on this journey, there will be times when we face uncertainty. That’s normal. I want to share some thoughts about that. Read aloud the “Managing Uncertainty” devotion [26.1]. Review this devotion by saying: This devotion says: “Part of managing uncertainty is expecting uncertainty. Uncertainty is always going to be a part of life. And we should not expect it to go away just because we do not like it. So learning to expect uncertainty can help us manage it.” That’s true. Anxiety comes from not knowing what to expect next. But this devotion gives us an answer upon which we can rely. It says: “Another thing that helps us manage uncertainty is learning to see beyond uncertainty to certainty. While life is often uncertain, something is greater than life’s uncertainty—God’s faithfulness.” And that’s true, too. All along your journey, God has been watching over you. He brought you to Rapha House. He brought you into this program. He has been with you every step of the way. This same God who has brought you this far is with you now. His love does not fail. Whatever comes next, you can be certain that you do not have to face it alone. God is with you. Continue by saying: We want to take some time to celebrate our progress. But before we do, I want to say a couple things. We know that abuse is a thief. Abuse took away some important things and tried to claim our future. But in the “Healing for the Wounded Heart” program, we have learned how to get our lives back. We do not have to live in fear. We do not have to live in anger. We do not have to live in bitterness. We can connect with healthy people, grieve our losses, forgive, and move on to claim the good things that God has in store for us. The Bible says: “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” (Jeremiah 29:11). God has good things in store for you. One of those good things is for you to live a life of love. By taking back your life from abuse, you can learn to love life, others, and God. You were created for a life of love. This is one of the good things that God wants to give you. Another good thing is for you to live a life of service. You have gone through a lot. And you have learned many good things along the way. Somebody needs you. Somebody has lost hope. Somebody feels all alone. Somebody is afraid. And somebody is confused. And God wants to use you to help, support, comfort, and guide somebody toward healing. Your pain has not
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been wasted. Your healing has a purpose not just for you but for others too. God will use your life. I like what Joseph says to his brothers who sold him into slavery: “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives” (Genesis 50:20). Finally, I want you to know that each of you has been a special blessing to me. And I wish you nothing but God’s best. Express any additional support and encouragement to the girls. Then say: We want to take some time to celebrate our growth and recovery. Distribute to the girls cutouts from the “Balloons,” “Banners,” “Bows,” and “Hearts” worksheets [26.2]. Instruct the girls by saying: On these cutouts, write some of the things that you have learned about yourself, your recovery, or God. Write down something positive. Mention how you’ve grown. Write about something or someone who has helped you along the way. Express thanks to God or to one of the group members. You can decorate your cutouts however you want. When you’re done, put your cutouts on our group banner. Once we’ve decorated our banner, we’ll take turns having different ones come up and read what we’ve written. After the banner has been decorated, invite different ones to read the cutouts to the group. Distribute to the girls the “Celebrating My Growth” worksheet [26.3]. Tell them to take some time after the group meeting to write on this page some of ways that they have grown. Tell them to add this page to their “The Story of My Life” books. Form a prayer circle. Hold hands. Let anyone who wants offer a prayer. Then end the session with your prayer.
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Life can be very uncertain. And when uncertainty arises, so does anxiety. Anxiety is uncomfortable. We want our circumstances to be settled. We desire resolution. We want to know the outcome. At least then we will know what we have to deal with. Then we can swallow our disappointment or savor our joy. But the “not knowing” is what makes uncertainty so maddening. We need to know how to better manage uncertainty. Part of managing uncertainty is expecting uncertainty. Uncertainty is always going to be a part of life. And we should not expect it to go away just because we do not like it. So learning to expect uncertainty can help us manage it. Another thing that helps us manage uncertainty is learning to see beyond uncertainty to certainty. While life is often uncertain, something is greater than life’s uncertainty—God’s faithfulness. David knew that. David had achieved a lot on his rise from obscurity as a shepherd boy to becoming the greatest king of Israel. But after he had risen to this height, his own son Absalom turned against him. His son’s rebellion jeopardized everything for David. Absalom had successfully won over enough people to declare himself as king over Israel, dethroning his father. So David had to flee Jerusalem for his life. He left behind his familiar life as king for an uncertain future. During this time, David wrote these words: “Your unfailing love is better to me than life itself; how I praise you!” (Psalm 63:3 NLT). He knew there was something certain that he could count on during uncertain times—God’s unfailing love. God’s unfailing love does not mean that every problem will vanish leaving life simple and easy. But God’s unfailing love assures us that our Father remains committed to us through all our struggles and is working for our good. The road to healing and growth takes us through the desert of uncertainty. And that is when we need to remember that on our journey we never walk alone. Even when I walk through the dark valley of death, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me.—Psalm 23:4 NLT
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