Soul Mates: Found Or Chosen?

Family Perspectives

Volume 1 Issue 2 Summer 2020 Article 6

2020

Soul Mates: Found or Chosen?

Ashley Brooksby Brigham Young University, [email protected]

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Recommended Citation Brooksby, Ashley (2020) "Soul Mates: Found or Chosen?," Family Perspectives: Vol. 1 : Iss. 2 , Article 6. Available at: https://scholarsarchive.byu.edu/familyperspectives/vol1/iss2/6

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A few weeks ago, two of my old college In another study, one interviewee confessed that she had roommates stopped by for some girl talk. With a new “a little more confidence” about being single because semester starting, they were excited to find friends and meet she believed that “the person I am meant to get into a new dating prospects. However, along with their excitement relationship with” was out there somewhere.2 While this came some uncertainty and anxiety. They had come to ask attitude of waiting for fate may give comfort to some, it can me a compelling question: How did I know my husband also lead to delays in dating as some may think, “Why put was “the one”? effort into dating when I can just wait for a soulmate?”

With soul-mate culture saturating our world today, it’s And They Lived Happily Ever After . . . no surprise that so many young adults are waiting for a romantic kindred spirit to appear in their lives. Popular Can believing in soul mates affect a marriage? One family movies, music, and books promote the notion of the right science researcher compared spouses who believed they person appearing at just the right time, but the notion of were soul mates to spouses who did not. Couples who humans finding their “other half ” hearkens back to Greek intentionally chose each other without the notion of being mythology with Zeus splitting humans in two, destining soul mates were found to “believe and behave in ways them to search for their divided halves to find wholeness. consistent with an ethic of unconditional love and marital permanency,” and they were “more likely to be happy in their marriages and more likely to avoid He is “the one” because I chose him divorce.”3 In contrast, the marriages where couples believed they were soul mates were more likely to and continue to choose him every day. “become optional and more brittle.”4

In short, simply believing your spouse is your soul Believing in soul mates mysteriously gained traction in mate is not always enough to keep you together. Couples the late twentieth century and not only inspires harmless must learn how to intentionally choose to love each other and then put in the effort to stay together rather than Hollywood-style storylines but also creates some relational 5 hazards for those who buy into the soul-mate ethos. expect the universe to do it for them. Waiting for “the one” to magically appear absolves young adults of making arduous and difficult choices, delays This responsibility to choose can bring in its wake a complex paradox of emotions, especially in the case of marriage and commitment, and even fosters marital marriage. With marriage being such a large life decision, a instability after the wedding. Perhaps this romantic notion certain kind of “deciding paralysis” can occur if we think too needs a realistic come-uppance—if not in popular culture, much about the long-term ripple effects. We see this today then at least in individual consciousness. in the rising number of cohabitating couples; these couples attempt to “test drive” their relationship before committing,6 Soul Mates and Dating Delays as if living together will reveal one’s soul mate and provide an easier way out if the partner is not to one’s liking. Being single with hopes of getting married may not feel urgent if you believe you are destined to find your soul mate How Did You Know? when the time is right. In fact, some studies are finding 1 that “more than half of marriages will occur after age 30.” Prior to my marriage, I often found myself frightened by While this increase in age can be attributed to a variety of the weight of my choices—fearing a misstep, blunder, or variables, one explanation could be that people are waiting ripple effect from moving forward with the wrong one—all longer for “the one” to appear. of which felt overwhelming when thinking about choosing

Published by BYU ScholarsArchive, 2020 1 Family Perspectives, Vol. 1 [2020], Iss. 2, Art. 6 a husband. I could resonate with my friends’ question worker. He was everything I wanted. If I wanted to be during that recent visit. happy with him, I could do my best in putting every effort into creating that happiness. A moment of important insight came to me that day on the doorstep when my friends asked me how I knew my Now that my husband and I are married, I can confidently husband was “the one.” I had to honestly and simply tell say that he is “the one.” He isn’t “the one” because the them that I didn’t. I didn’t know he was “the one.” In fact, universe put us together; he is “the one” because I chose I spent weeks worrying and feeling like I was missing an him and continue to choose him every day. obvious green light. Ashley Brooksby is an undergraduate student in the School But then it hit me. I had put myself through months of of Family Life at BYU. She hopes to become a Family Life anxiety while dating, questioning, and doubting a man Educator and help others strengthen their relationships. I knew was good. I knew he was kind, funny, and a hard

Endnotes 1 Carroll, J. S. (2017, March). Delaying marriage: The trends and the consequences. Ensign. https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/2017/03/young-adults/delaying-marriage-the-trends-and-the-consequences?lang=eng 2 Barri, L., & Morgan, M. (2011). Soulmates, compatibility and intimacy: Allied discursive resources in the struggle for relationship satisfaction in the new millennium. New Ideas in Psychology, 29(1), 10–23. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.newideapsych.2009.11.001 3 Wilcox, W. B., & Dew, J. (2010). Is love a flimsy foundation? Soulmate versus institutional models of marriage. Social Science Research, 39(5), 687–699. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.ssresearch.2010.05.006 4 Coontz, S. (2006). Marriage, a history: From obedience to intimacy or how love conquered marriage. Penguin. 5 Borresen, K. (2019, March 8). How relationship experts define the word ‘soulmate’. Huffpost. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/soulmate-defini- tion-relationship-experts_l_5c7d6eb7e4b0a571d36ebad6 6 Owen, J., Rhoades, G. K., & Stanley, S. M. (2013). Sliding versus deciding in relationships: Associations with relationship quality, commitment, and infidelity. Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 12(2), 135–149. https://doi.org/10.1080/15332691.2013.779097