1 2 3 4 5 この素晴らしい世界に祝福を！ KONOSUBA Blessings upon this Wonderful World!

Akatsuki Natsume Mishima Kurone

6 7 Contents Prologue ...... 11 Chapter 1: A Toast to this Bright Future! ...... 12 1 ...... 12 2 ...... 16 3 ...... 19 4 ...... 21 5 ...... 24 6 ...... 27 7 ...... 32 8 ...... 34 9 ...... 38 Chapter 2: An Education for this Shrewd Little Girl! ...... 40 1 ...... 40 2 ...... 42 3 ...... 43 4 ...... 45 5 ...... 48 6 ...... 51 7 ...... 53 8 ...... 58 9 ...... 62 10 ...... 65 Chapter 3: Divine Retribution upon this Handsome Thief! ...... 67 1 ...... 67 2 ...... 70 3 ...... 74 4 ...... 76 5 ...... 80 6 ...... 82 7 ...... 87

8 Chapter 4: Some Bad Company for this Sheltered Princess!...... 92 1 ...... 92 2 ...... 95 3 ...... 97 4 ...... 99 5 ...... 101 6 ...... 106 7 ...... 110 8 ...... 112 9 ...... 116 Chapter 5: A Decisive End to this Annoying Scheme! ...... 118 1 ...... 118 2 ...... 119 3 ...... 125 4 ...... 127 5 ...... 129 Finale: To Become a Real Elder Brother ...... 134 Interlude: The Greedy Noble and the Broken Demon ...... 143 Epilogue 1: —A Hero’s Reward— ...... 145 Epilogue 2: —A Ring Left in Place of Dreams— ...... 147 Afterword...... 150 Notes ...... 154

9 10 Prologue

That day. I woke up, and as I lay on top of the soft bed, I clapped my hands. In order to summon the servant waiting by the door. The one who appeared in response to my signal was an elderly man with grey hair, dressed in a neatly fitted butler’s uniform. “You called, Kazuma-sama?” The old man bowed deeply towards me. “Yes, could you bring me my morning coffee now please, Sebastian?” “Heidel, sir.” “-please, Heidel?” I asked Heidel the butler to bring me my coffee and once again relaxed on the bed. Mary the maid should be here to change the sheets soon. Though, I won’t let her change them quite so easily. One must always get in the way of maids, and prevent them from simply getting on with their work. That is what a certain Crusader taught me is the proper way of treating maids. Before long, there was a knock at the door. Here she comes now.

My personal maid, Mary…

11 Chapter 1: A Toast to this Bright Future!

1 In our familiar mansion, left somewhat dusty by all the journeys we had been going on. I sat cross-legged on the soft carpet in the middle of the living room, recounting the events that took place until just the other day. —The Crimson Magic village, the holy land of Archwizards, which countless eminent mages call their birthplace. We had learned about the Demon King’s army’s attack upon it from a letter written as a testament, sent to a certain young girl. Despite knowing that even if she were to go running back by herself she couldn’t be of that much help, that girl nevertheless decided to return to the village. She, knowing full well that she was never to return to this town again, revealed to me the desire she had kept hidden deep inside her heart for the longest time, and asked for my embrace before she would set out towards her certain doom. But I firmly rejected her feelings and set forth on a journey, leaving the young girl behind with a grief-stricken heart. Indeed I left ahead of her, in order to defeat the Demon King’s forces myself… A lot happened after that, but in the end, thanks to my efforts, the general of the Demon King’s forces Silvia was defeated, and peace once again returned to the Crimson Magic clan’s village—

“…Kazuma’s had that creepy grin on his face for a while now. I guess it can’t be helped, since it’s gotten warm now.” Ever since we came back to the town of Axel, we returned to our peaceful daily lives. Aqua, who was mocking me, sat together with Darkness and Megumin on the living room sofa, taking turns playing on the handheld console we had brought back from the Crimson Magic village. I suddenly came back to my senses, then turned to them with an unusually serious face, and: “I want a little sister.” I informed them.

—At my words, a deathly silence instantly fell over the place. And then…

12 “Hey, Darkness, we have to keep the order going. It’s my turn now. I’m going to be the one who beats the final boss.” “Hold on, you and Megumin are the ones who always defeat the bosses in real life. At least let me get the last hit in the game.” “Absolutely not. We Crimson Magic kin are particular about dealing the final blow. And the last boss clearly has to be a formidable foe. Knowing how Darkness charges into fights, we are going to run out of continues before we beat the game.” Deciding to ignore my words, the three argued and fought over their turns on the handheld… “LISTEN TO MEEEEEE!” “WAAAAAHHHHH! Wait, we almost beat it! It took us so long but we finally made it to the end!” I snatched the handheld, and while dodging Aqua’s hand as she attempted to get it back I continued playing… “There, I beat the boss with no damage! Happy now!?” “I’m not happy at all! Why did you steal the best part!? We all worked so hard to get there and you ruined it!! It took us three days to get there!” “Oh shut up! Give it here and I’ll get you back there with no hits in like three hours!” “Stop, just stop! Don’t spoil our hard work any more!” Aqua stole the handheld back, crying her eyes out. “Even after all you did at the Crimson Magic village, you’re still a bastard at heart! Is it fun to ruin our efforts!? Megumin, tell him off!!” At Darkness’ exasperated words, Megumin said: “…Well, you know, I feel bad for leaving Kazuma out. Even at the Crimson Magic village, it was Kazuma who pulled through in the end. I think what happened now is very much our style.” “Eh!?” x2 Aqua and Darkness gasped in surprise, while Megumin and I looked at each other. “Wait a second, Megumin. You were always the first to lash out at Kazuma. What happened to the rowdiest ruffian in all of Axel?” “Umu, Megumin is usually so hot-headed she seems like a better fit for the advanced tank class ‘Berserker’ than anyone else I know, so how could she be so restrained? Oi, Kazuma, did you do something to her at the village?” “Excuse you two! I am always cool, calm and collected as is befitting an Archwizard! …Also, what is this all of a sudden, Kazuma? If you want a little sister, don’t you think it would be better to talk to your parents instead of us?” “Oh I asked them loads of times before. And I want a stepsister, so I asked them to divorce and remarry someone who has children. I think that was the first time they ever beat me…” “Your parents must be great people to not disown you for saying that.” “Forget my parents! Besides, it’s not like I can even go back to my country now, so it’s not even an option. The important part is!”

13 I made an exaggerated shake of the head towards the three of them, who were still not making much of an effort to pay attention to my speech. “Wiz is the older, healing onee-san, Chris is the happy-go-lucky genki girl, Sena is the cool onee-san and Yunyun is the unlucky girl! There’s even the orthodox love interest in Eris-sama; I’ve met all kinds of beautiful girls and women-” “Kazuma-san, Kazuma-san, what about me? What type of beauty am I?” “You’re the joke girl or maybe the pet. W-Wait, stop, I’m at the crucial part here so if you have something to say save it for later!” Aqua grabbed me but I shook her off and clenched my fists. “…I realised something important. There are still some archetypes missing, aren’t there? Where I was born, in Japan, I did more or less have a childhood friend. ...So, do you know what’s missing?” Perhaps understanding what I was getting at, Megumin let out a deep sigh. “...Honestly, there is just no helping you, is there? Is this what you’re trying to say? You want me to act as your little sis-” “What are you talking about? You’re the loli, obviously.” “Wha-!?” Next to the somewhat shocked Megumin, Darkness timidly raised her hand. “I-I was just wondering, um, what type of girl I am...” “You’re in charge of the lewd, of course.” “In charge of lewd!?” Disregarding the shaken Darkness and Megumin, I decided to get to the conclusion. “Remember when we were at the Crimson Magic village? Megumin had a little sister, right? That was when it dawned on me. I was like ‘Man, I sure want a little sister.’ ...Now do you understand what I’m trying to say?” “Not in the slightest,” Aqua answered, as she listened with undivided attention.

—There is a proper reason for why I’m bringing this up all of a sudden. And that is... “The princess... I hear she’s younger than me, so she could be the little sister...” That’s right. I placed my hopes in the first princess, the one who sent me that letter. From what I’ve heard, she’s still only 12 years old. At that age, she’s obviously out of my strike zone. However, supposing I could at least get on friendly terms with her, I want her to call me onii-sama. I was wondering if they knew that that was going through my head ever since we got back from the Crimson Magic village. “...You know, Kazuma, it’s not too late to turn that invitation down! We’d be dealing with the heads of the kingdom, you know? She invited you for a meal, but it won’t be how you think it will. I’m sure it’s going to be all formalities and ceremony! Do you understand? We should all just forget about the whole thing!” Darkness made one of her unusually frantic attempts at changing my mind, as had been her habit for a while.

14 She had been trying all she could to stop us from meeting the king’s daughter for the past few days, but now she seemed even more desperate than before. Still sitting on the carpet, I muttered: “...You think we’re going to do something rude in front of the princess, don’t you?” At that, Darkness jumped and a shiver ran through her. Her eyes began to dart around in a panic, and eventually she lowered her head slightly. “I-I don’t... believe so.” Who was that supposed to be? “Oi, try looking me in the eyes, and stop with the weird polite language. You’re worried that we’ll screw something up and besmirch the name of House Dustiness, aren’t you?” “What!? Darkness, how mean! Even I know how to behave in polite society, you know!” “I cannot believe you! Do you honestly think any of us would do something to harm your standing? We’re comrades, are we not!? Please have more faith in us!” Hearing me, Aqua and Megumin also spoke out. “Uu... Uuu... To be honest, it’s only because I know you all so well that I’m worried...” Darkness said, on the verge of crying. As her face was filled with concern, I said: “Even I understand the importance of status, and I know the basics of etiquette. I’m just giddy because I get to meet a noble ojousama. That’s all there is to it.” “O-Oi, I’m still a noble ojousama too, you know!” Though she looked like she was about to burst into tears at any moment, Darkness still talked back. As I enjoyed the sight of the unusually flustered Darkness: “Whoa, I’d better get myself a tuxedo. And you girls don’t have any fancy dresses either, right? Let’s go have some tailored for us.” “Good idea! I’d like to go around wearing something other than this hagoromo from time to time too! Do you think we have time to get them tailored though?” “I definitely have to get a black dress. I will get them to make me one that is just overflowing with maturity.” As we talked, our excitement only grew. Aqua and Megumin also showed no signs of wanting to turn the offer down. Seeing us like that, Darkness got closer and closer to crying. “Y-You people... You’re dealing with the daughter of the king, remember? You could well end up literally losing your heads. Kazuma, you have to remind them...” “Still, a tuxedo is a bit common, isn’t it? All right. This is my chance to make an impression on the king’s daughter, so I should go all out and get them to make me a ＫＩＭＯＮＯ and ＨＡＫＡＭＡ…” “Please, I’ll do anything! I’ll do anything I can, just please don’t show up in some stupid outlandish outfit I’ve never even heard of!” Darkness cried, as she clung to me.

15 2 “Now then, we have one week until the princess’ party arrives. Since you offered, I leave you in charge of the housework and stuff.” The next day after Darkness pleaded to me in tears. “…A-All right. Still, I didn’t think you were serious when you said that in the Crimson Magic village. It seems I sill underestimated you.” At this moment, Darkness is wearing a purposefully undersized maid uniform. Clad in her particularly short-skirted outfit, she now had the kind of erotic air that befitted her title of lewdness supervisor. With a somewhat defeated expression, Darkness stood at attention in front of me. Seeing her trying so hard to impress, I couldn’t help but get a bit cocky. “You’re supposed to say ‘Understood, master’.” “…Nn…Gh!! U-Understood, master! I am but a lowly sow…!!” “I didn’t ask for that last part.” I stopped the blushing and quivering Darkness partway. —In exchange for giving up on the ＫＩＭＯＮＯ and promising not to offend the princess in any way, I had my wish from before granted. Yes, the one about wearing a skimpy maid outfit and serving me diligently. I decided to go easy on her and keep myself from getting too carried away since I was afraid of what she’d do to me afterwards, but this kind of indulgence once in a while should be fine. “So, what do you want me to do? Honestly there isn’t much housework that needs doing, so I have no idea where to start. How about I start by spilling tea on the crotch of your trousers and get flustered while I wipe it off?” “Okay, you’re not allowed to serve tea.” I wonder just what exactly she thinks maids are supposed to do in that head of hers. “Well, you know, just go around keeping things tidy. Stay away from the dishes, though. You’ll probably break them. I don’t need that kind of fiscally irresponsible cliché in my life.” “…Mn. …All right…” Looking somewhat disappointed, Darkness left the living room, dragging her feet. Aqua and Megumin left for Wiz’s shop. Which means that at this moment, Darkness and I are the only two people in this huge mansion. Now that I think about it, Darkness is always causing trouble for me. I’ll really break her back today. …I thought, when.

“Kyaaaaaa!”

Along with an unconvincing shriek came the sound of something ceramic breaking. Then, Darkness came rushing to me clutching an armful of shards.

16 17 “My deepest apologies, master! I broke your treasured vase! Please punish me however you see fit…!” “I don’t have any treasured vases, but if you go and break something I actually care about, I’ll make you go out to the Adventurers’ Guild in your maid uniform as punishment.” “!?”

—Paying no mind to the dust that got all over her, Darkness dutifully got on with her household chores, wiping the window frames with a cloth. I was checking on her progress. The reason being that I had nothing better to do. I rubbed my finger along the window frame Darkness had polished and looked at it. But, disappointingly, there wasn’t a trace of dust on my fingertip. She had cleaned every nook and cranny. “…Kh, for how clumsy you usually are, how come it’s only at times like this you never make a slip…! And here I thought I could find an excuse to punish you and get everyone in the Guild to call you Maid Crusader Lalatina.” “Fufu, I will not let myself be punished so easily. You always come up with the things I truly despise. …Also, really, please stop calling me Lalatina.” I was forced to give the blushing Darkness a passing mark when it came to cleaning.

—But it didn’t end there. “…Kh, I was sure you were going to mess something up, like mixing up the salt and the sugar…!” “There’s no way to get them wrong if you just read the labels. And any adventurer should at least how to properly cook a piece of meat.” I couldn’t help but groan as I ate the meal Darkness prepared for me. Considering she chose something very simple that’s hard to get wrong, some roast meat with rice and vegetables, she must really not want to be punished. Darkness had a smug, triumphant expression. “Fufu, I used the high quality meat for this. How is it?” “Okay.” “!?”

—Cleaning the washroom. Usually this would be Aqua’s domain. “…Um, is it really necessary to clean the washroom?” “…I-I guess not.” This must be thanks to the goddess of water’s purification. Despite her half-hearted approach to cleaning, the washroom Aqua was in charge of was the cleanest, most radiant room in the entire house. Onto the next one, I suppose.

18 “—Are you serious!? Is this really a maid’s most important task!? You’re not just taking advantage of my naiveté, are you!? I know at least my father never made our maids do something like this!” “I’m serious! Where I come from, you could hardly call yourself a maid if you don’t do this!” Again and again, I would leave and then enter the house, while Darkness greeted me with a smile and a ‘Welcome home, master’. “Is that stiff thing supposed to be a smile!? You don’t have a sociable fibre in your body, do you!? You’re scary! Put a bit of warmth into it when you welcome someone home!” “W-Welcome home, master!” “Wrong! You put your hands like this! And your legs like this! And slouch a bit, to emphasize a few places! Is being lewd the only thing you’re good at!? Again, go!” “Welcome home, master! I do enjoy abuse, but don’t get too carried away or I’ll show you that my grip strength is my other...!” “AAAAH, it’ll crack, my head’s going to crack! I can feel something coming out! I’M SORRY!!” I shrieked and apologised as my temples were being crushed by an iron claw. 3 “Honestly... And I wouldn’t have been against receiving some more, you know, exciting punishment or harassment.” “You say that but I bet you’d chicken out just before crossing that final line.” After playing with Darkness for a while, the two of us were walking through town. “Still, you didn’t seem to hate that maid outfit that much, did you? You should try wearing frilly clothes like that more often.” After Darkness bawled her eyes out begging me not to make her go out in the maid uniform, I gave her permission to wear her casual clothes. “...I know better than anyone that cute clothes don’t suit me. That’s why I wanted to ask you if I could do the housework in my regular clothes starting tomorrow...” “That’s not happening.” As the troubled yet still for some reason somewhat happy looking Darkness hung her head, we arrived at the shop I had set out for. “Yo, ‘scuse us.” “Ah, come on in, Kazuma-san! I was just bringing in the fire-starting tools you came up with!” We had come to Wiz’s shop. Today is the day we’re going to start selling the convenient goods I had in Japan. Inside the store, Megumin was inspecting the newly-developed items with great interest, and Aqua was sitting quietly and digging into some tea cakes she was served. Though it seemed the guy with the most impact was not in.

19 When Megumin noticed me, she picked up an oil-powered lighter and called out: “Kazuma Kazuma, please hurry and show me the power of this magical item!” “It’s not a magical item, just a convenient tool we had in my country, remember? Well, just watch.” I took the lighter from Megumin and ignited it. “Ooh!?” x3 Megumin, Darkness and Wiz all raised their voices when they saw the flame. “Th-That is so convenient! It really is just like the Tinder spell! Kazuma-san, this will definitely sell!” the excited Wiz exclaimed joyfully. “It looks so simple and yet it is so well made. I find it hard to believe it isn’t magical. And if used carefully, this can last for a very long time.” Megumin stated her impressions with admiration, as she took the lighter in her hands and inspected it from every angle curiously. “I would like one of these for myself. Flint is hard to use in damp places, and it takes such a long time to start a fire. Carrying live coals and other flammable thing is also a bother. This solves all those problems. Wiz, Kazuma, I want to buy one. How much?” Darkness asked, as she began to get money out of her purse. Hearing that, Wiz smiled and said: “I couldn’t possibly ask you to pay for it. These items were designed by Kazuma-san and manufactured by us, after all. And I’m sure all of you helped develop these products. Please feel free to pick out any one you wish, free of charge.” Hearing those words, Aqua let out a condescending snort as she gorged on her cakes and watched Darkness and Megumin happily pick out their lighters. “Hmpf, what a bunch of savages. What’s so exciting about a stupid lighter? These things are really simple to make, you know? This is why you people are so primitive, I swear…” As she ridiculed Wiz and the others with contempt, Aqua also reached out for a lighter… I slapped her outstretched hand away from the side. “…What? What’s your problem, Kazuma? Let me have one too.” “No, you have to pay,” I said. “Obviously,” I added, and Aqua began kvetching. “Huuh!? What’s with you, always being such a jerk only towards me!? Wiz said we could have them! How come Darkness and Megumin get to have one and I’m the only one who doesn’t!? I’m being left out here!” “I would’ve let you have one if you hadn’t talked down your nose at those three. And you haven’t done a single thing to contribute, have you? Wiz is the shopkeeper, Megumin offered her Crimson Magic kin knowledge about manufacturing magic items and Darkness used her connections to introduce us to some of the big names in the trade. Meanwhile, all you’ve been doing is sleeping and eating at the mansion. If you want a share, maybe go out and peddle the merchandise for a spell.”

20 At my words, tears welled in Aqua’s eyes and she dashed out of the shop, barking out a parting line: “Waaaaaaah! Kazuma, you lowlife! And here I thought I could just stay quiet about you sniffing our laundry!” “Oi, hold it! I-I’ve never done anything like that! Don’t try to bullshit, you-! …I swear! Megumin, Darkness, don’t look at me like… Wh- You too, Wiz!? You’ve got it all wrong! She’s lying, I tell you!” As I desperately tried to clear up the misunderstanding Aqua’s outburst created, Aqua peeked around the shop’s entrance. “…If I bring in a lot of customers, will you let me have one?” “Fine, just clear this up first!” 4 A huge crowd had gathered in front of the magic item shop. Wiz said this was her first time seeing that many people on her street. Apparently Vanir hadn’t yet made his appearance because he was out about town distributing pamphlets. He might be part of the reason for all this commotion, since I could see people in the crowd holding fliers. “…Still, that sure is a lot of people,” Darkness muttered. “…….It sure is.” I replied, almost on instinct.

“…It would be great if they all came to buy our goods…” Megumin said. “…….It sure would.” I replied, listlessly.

I was looking at the centre of the crowd. Wiz was standing next to me with troubled expression and said nervously: “...E-Even the people who came here to buy from us are being taken away...” “YEAH, THEY SURE ARE! AAAAAHH, WHAT THE HELL IS SHE DOOOIIIIIINNNNNGG!?” All of our eyes were on the middle of the massive swarm of people, where Aqua was performing her tricks and receiving much applause. Even the people holding our fliers had gotten sucked into the circle and had forgotten what they came for in the first place. I told her to grab attention, but this is defeating the purpose. As for Aqua herself, she had also completely forgotten about the goal and was putting everything into her performance. “And now, for my next trick, behold this perfectly ordinary handkerchief! Believe it or not, but from it will come flying a flock of doves!” Aqua announced as she took out a handkerchief and showed it to the crowd. That’s a common magic trick. You just have the doves stuffed somewhere in your clothes and make it look as if it came out of the handkerchief.

21 Aqua gave the handkerchief a flutter, and from it... “Uwoooooooooooh!?” x? Over a hundred doves came out flapping their wings, astonishing the audience. “That’s way too many! How the hell did she do that!? That’s physically impossible!” Finding it hard to believe my own eyes, I asked Wiz in a panic. “I-I don’t know... I didn’t feel any magic, so it don’t think she used a summoning spell, but hiding that many birds also seems...... Huh, how did she do it...?” Even Wiz the magic expert had to bring her hand to her mouth, stumped. “Ah, no money offerings, please. I’m not a performer, so I can’t accept.” Aqua politely turned down the large amount of money being thrown at her. She must have some kind of code of honour when it comes to her tricks. But still, she could easily make a living as a performer. Half disheartened and half enthralled by the level of Aqua’s performance, we also ended up joining the crowd to watch her show.

“Wh-What is the meaning of...”

Vanir, who had come back at some point, said as he was left dumbfounded by seeing the massive crowd. Aqua was showing off a bunch of potions that looked like they had been lifted from Wiz’s shop. “And now, by the time I count to three, all of these potions you see here shall vanish without a trace! Not even I know where they go! Now, let’s begin the count!” “Count not to one, you buffoon of a woman!! What in blazes do you think you’re doing here!? Not satisfied with merely dashing holy water upon the door handle of our shop day and night, now you’ve boldly come to disturb our business in person, have you!?” I had been wondering what she’d been sneaking out to do lately. “Hey, don’t ruin my act, weirdo mask! This is public property, so it’s none of your business if I want to perform out here!” “’Tis very much my business, you fool! The future of our shop is at stake on this day, indeed the day of our commemorative new item sale! I’ve no mind to have you get in the way of my business on such a fortuitous occasion!” As the two began ignoring the crowd to argue with each other, Wiz raised her voice: “Everyone, we have a lovely selection of helpful new items in stock today! Please feel free to browse our wares!” Wiz showed her shopkeeper side for the first time!

22 —A lot happened. “Ah, welcome, welcome, come right in! Take advantage of our special promotion: make a purchase of at least ten thousand Eris and receive a Vanir doll that laughs in the middle of the night for free! Spend over fifty thousand Eris and, would you believe it, receive a Vanir mask of the very same make as my own, absolutely free of charge! ...Oho, my dear child, the mask I wear is not for sale, I’m afraid. But feel free to purchase one of our many other colourful models. ...Welcome, welcome!” The fishy-looking clerk calling out with great gusto was oddly popular with the children for some reason. “Thank you very much, thank you very much! Ah, just the two lighters and a Vanir mask, then? Thank you very much!” The Japanese household items were almost literally flying off the shelves. I can’t believe this. If I had known they’d sell this well I would’ve gotten into business sooner. “Darkness, let go! It feels like they took my audience away from me! I can’t have that! Let me finish my show!” “Calm down, Aqua, don’t lose sight of the goal! Come on, settle down and come with me!” Darkness held the ever bad for business Aqua back as Wiz and Vanir were busy trying to tend to all the customers. Finally the influx of customers started to die down some, and an elated Vanir came over to us. “Fuhahahahahaha! I can scarcely contain my joyous laughter! Behold, ‘tis far from closing time, and yet we are almost out of stock. I must offer my gratitude once more, lad who has managed to establish a good rapport with his comrade at his last destination yet nevertheless is beset with worry that things have not progressed since returning home!” “Oi, you mean me!? You’re talking about me, aren’t you!? S-S-Screw you, I’m n-n-n- not beset by anything! W-What, Megumin? Don’t look at me like that!” “I-I was not looking, not at all! Please do not let a demon’s words get to you!” He went ahead and just blurted the thing I’ve been the most anxious about ever since we came back from the Crimson Magic village! “I could not care less if the two of you became an item or bore children, but seeing you exchanging furtive glances is quite vexing; you would do well to find a lodge or somewhere dark and quiet and get it out of your systems. Though, that is a matter for another time.” He’s really asking for me to get Aqua to finish him off. “At this rate, I may well be able to bestow you your share of three hundred million Eris at the end of this month. Though ‘tis hardly intended as compensation for having you wait this long, you may have this.” Vanir said, as he handed me a dark mask that was only very slightly different in design to the one he wore.

23 “One of our shop’s best-selling items, highly coveted by those who appreciate being able to hide from the prying eye of the public, a mass-produced Vanir mask. Wear this article on a moonlit night, and the mysterious demonic power within shall grant you increased mana capacity, improved blood circulation, smooth skin and overall ensure you can perform to the utmost of your abilities. ‘Tis also black, rare amongst its kind, so one could turn quite a few children’s heads with it.” I-I don’t want it... Actually I wonder if this thing would curse me if I put it on or something... 5 From that day onwards, Wiz’s shop continued to be miraculously prosperous. And today— “All right, you two. You know the score, right?” Yes. Today is the day of our long-awaited dinner with the princess. With Darkness not in the room, I once again reminded Aqua and Megumin; We must not tarnish Darkness’ name. “Of course I do. Chances like this don’t come by very often, after all. I’ll put on a real show with my best party tricks. That’s right, Darkness will have nothing to be ashamed about! ...By the way, Kazuma, I was thinking of doing the one where I pull a tiger out of a hat, but I don’t even have a tiger. I could settle for a tiger-ish looking Rookie Slayer, so would you help me catch one?” “I shall make a suitably stunning Crimson Magic kin style entrance that is sure to impress Her Highness. Kazuma, I require something that will produce a good amount of smoke and some fireworks. Do you happen to know where I could buy them?” ...Darkness may have had some cause for concern after all.

—The Dustiness estate. The largest residence in the town of Axel was on high alert. Normally it wouldn’t be staffed by that many servants, but today their numbers were increased, likely in order to impress. And with very good reason. Namely, because first princess Iris had already been staying there since yesterday. In the entrance hall of the manor, Darkness stood in front of us, wearing an immaculate white dress and her long golden hair plaited into a neat braid that hung over her shoulder and reached to her collarbone. Despite her tidy, pure white dress, something about the body it was being worn over made her look very sexy. “Satou Kazuma-sama and esteemed company. I am deeply grateful to have you in the care of our estate. I, Dustiness Ford Lalatina, shall be honoured to serve as your hostess for the evening. Please, by all means treat our home as your own and make free use of our hospitality.” Painting the perfect image of a young noble daughter, Darkness, along with the several servants backing her, gave a deep bow towards us and offered her very formal greeting.

24 After such polite and courteous treatment, I felt pressed to say something in return. “M-My deepest gratiteth...” I bit my tongue right at the start. At that, Darkness replaced the gentle smile she had on her face until then with a blush and hung her head. Seeing her shoulders tremble, it looked like she was trying to hold back laughter. Y-You bitch...! Damn it, I guess I shouldn’t try so hard when I’m not used to this. “Oi, Darkness, stop laughing and show us where to go already. These tight clothes are hell.” Namely, the black suit I had rented from the tailor’s. I tried wearing something like a tuxedo with a bowtie, but Aqua and Megumin laughed so hard when they saw me in it that I swore off it for the rest of my life. The two of them couldn’t get dresses tailored in time, and eventually decided to borrow some of Darkness’ spares when they got here, apparently. “Well then, everyone, please walk this way.” Her shoulders still quivering with laughter, Darkness showed us into the mansion.

“—Please wait for but a moment. Milady is presently picking out the ladies’ dresses.” A servant led us into the parlour. We took a seat on the sofa there, and after the servant offered us tea, he excused himself and left the room. Not long after, accompanied by a different servant, Darkness walked in with a dress, gave us a quick bow and stood by the waiting room next door. She then beckoned Aqua and Megumin over. They followed Darkness into the room next door, and eventually...

“Hey, Darkness, this one’s a little loose around the hips. Can’t you give me one that’s a bit tighter?” “T-That one has the smallest waist size out of all of them... I can’t help it, Crusaders need to be strong...! Megumin, what’s wrong?” “...If I had to say, the fact that the dress is falling off. It is far too large around the chest and waist. Do you not have any smaller...” I heard them talking from the next room over. “Well, I do have some... I kept them since I was a child... Ow ow ow! Megumin, stop pulling on my braid!” Then, after hearing them talking to the servants, likely about making quick adjustments to the dresses... Finally, an exhausted-looking Darkness came out along with the other two.

25 “...Ooh.” I couldn’t help but let out a gasp, and Megumin looked at the floor bashfully when she heard me. With a low off-the-shoulder cut revealing much of her fair skin, in contrast with the otherwise black dress, she gave off less of her usual loli vibe and more of a very coquettish charm. Aqua came after her, wearing a white dress. “Kazuma, look, look! What do you think? The clothes make the woman, don’t they?” That saying isn’t really meant to be a compliment, but that is an accurate way to describe her at the moment. Wearing her pure white dress instead of her usual colour complimenting hagoromo, and as long as she kept her mouth shut, Aqua really was beautiful enough to be revered as a Goddess. “You know, Kazuma, when you’ve got this many beautiful ladies in front of you, it wouldn’t kill you to give a little compliment or maybe an exaltation.” The shutting her mouth part really was crucial. “Yeah, yeah, very pretty. The princess is what’s important here. She’s been staying here since yesterday, right?” I asked, laying my priorities bare, and Darkness put on a deeply troubled expression. “...I’m serious, do not do anything vulgar. I know you can just blurt out the most outrageous things sometimes. Adventurers might be given some leeway considering the kind of rowdy occupation it is, but one reckless word can have your head off, remember?” Hearing Darkness’ words only made my excitement grow. A princess. Yes, a princess. A beautiful, graceful princess who loves flowers and butterflies and songbirds and all that. Or wait, maybe she’s the tomboyish kind who prefers tales of adventurers’ daring exploits. A bunch scrappy losers like us who went from blunder to blunder have finally become a party worthy of meeting with royalty. How could I possibly keep myself from getting a little bit overexcited? “Oi, I think I need to tell you people something. It’s a shame about the mansion. We’ve lived in it for so long and grown attached to it, so I feel bad about this, but... If the princess offers to let me join her personal guard or something like that, I’m probably going to move house. I just want you to be prepared for that.” “Just how far does this little story in your head go? She only invited us for dinner.” With Darkness at the front, we headed for the meeting place for the party. Finally, we were led into a large banquet hall.

26 Darkness once again turned towards us and said: “All right, listen up. We’re meeting with none other than the king’s daughter. ...Kazuma, you have some idea of how to behave yourself, so I’m not too worried about you. However, I even had to work in a maid outfit for you. If you mess anything up, I swear you will pay a high price. Aqua, don’t overdo it on the party tricks. Anything dangerous is absolutely out of the question. As for Megumin... you’re getting a surprise body search!” “Eeh!? P-P-P-Please wait, Darkness! Why me!? Why would you search me when we’ve been together ever since we changed...! Aah, wait, please, Kazuma will see! Look, he is taking advantage to gawk!” As I watched the two groping at each other, I asked Aqua: “So what kind of performance are you planning on ruining this evening with?” “Hey, I’m not going to ruin anything, jerk. We’re finally getting to meet royalty, so I don’t want to do something boring where the princess just watches. I was thinking of doing portrait in sand... and then letting Her Highness put on the finishing touches. And then I’d let her keep it, you know?” “Huh. You really have a lot of talents, don’t you...” As we were talking, in front of us: “There, I found something! Megumin, care to explain these!? A smoke bomb for escaping monsters and a potion that explodes when opened!? What were you going to use these for!? I knew your chest looked unnaturally big!” “Well played, Darkness. But I still have my backup and my second backup plans for making a grand...!” Watching the two still fooling around, the servant who had accompanied us ever since they got dressed let out a deep sigh and said: “...Will this come back to haunt us too, I wonder...” I’m with you there. 6 “...All right, here we go. Remember, Iris-sama will mostly be dealing with me, so all you have to is eat your food and nod occasionally. I’ll handle everything,” Darkness said, as she stepped through the door first. When it opened, I was met by the sight of luxurious yet not overly extravagant banquet hall. The interior was brightly lit with candles on stands, and servants quietly stood at attention around the table. A bright red carpet covered the entire floor of the room, and on it was a large table with a veritable cornucopia of lavish dishes arranged on top of it. At the far end of the table sat a young girl in a flawless white dress just like Darkness or Aqua’s.

27 On either side of the girl stood two young ladies. One was a woman with a plain expression, clad in a black dress and not carrying any weapons. Though, judging by the various glowing rings that clashed with the rest of her ensemble on her fingers, I gathered that she was probably a magic user. The other was a beautiful woman with short hair, wearing not a dress but rather a white suit and a sword at her hip. Having a princess of a certain age’s escorts be men must’ve been considered potentially troublesome. With us in tow, Darkness slowly walked over by their side. “Our most humble apologies for the delay, Iris-sama. These are my friends and comrades in adventuring, Satou Kazuma and his party. My friends, allow me to introduce Her Highness the princess, Iris-sama. Please introduce yourselves as is proper.” Darkness said, gesturing towards the young girl in the middle. The girl looked exactly how one would imagine a princess. She had medium-length golden blonde hair and clear blue eyes. In front of me sat a living portrait of a beautiful young girl, who gave off an air of refinement and delicate grace. I can’t believe this. For once, my expectations of this fantasy world aren’t being betrayed. Elves with fake ears, clean-shaven dwarves, orcs with cat ears and wimpy liches; After having encountered all of that, I was preparing myself for this princess to have some kind of unorthodox twist as well.

28 29 As my brain stood frozen with emotion, next to me, Aqua pinched the hem of her dress lightly and gave a flawless curtsey. As both I and even Darkness were shocked by her display: “My name is Aqua, and my calling is that of Archpriest. I am humbled to make your acquaintance, Your Highness. ...And so, I would like to put on a greeting perfo-...” Aqua was about to say something when Darkness grabbed her hand. “M-My deepest apologies, Iris-sama, but I must have a word with my companion...” Darkness said, while Aqua lightly tugged on her braid in protest. Seizing the opportunity while Darkness was busy with Aqua, Megumin reached her hand into her dress. And her hand quickly came out clutching a black cape. She must’ve snuck it past Darkness’ frisking by wrapping it around her thighs. She immediately unfurled it and threw it around her shoulders, and was about to give it a flutter in preparation for her flashy introduction, when Darkness grabbed her arm. With both her hands clutching Aqua and Megumin, the first of whom was now fondling her braid, Darkness desperately tried to put on a smile despite being nearly on the verge of tears. Aqua must’ve taken a liking to running her hand through Darkness’ braid and didn’t show any intention of stopping. ...Then, I saw the princess whisper into the ear of her suit-wearing female escort while looking at me. She must be shy. “You, commoner. Let not your vulgar gaze linger on royalty for too long. By all rights, your kind is hardly fit to meet with me in person, let alone share the same table. Hang your head and dare not meet my eyes. Waste no more time and amuse me with tales of your adventures. ...Her Highness says,” white-suit said, leaving me paralyzed. After a while, I understood. Even in Japan during the age of samurai there was a difference in standing between a lord and his subjects. They would hardly eat at the same time, at the same table. Even talking through white-suit must’ve been a way for her to avoid having to speak directly with the common rabble. I had become a bit too comfortable around nobility after dealing with Darkness and her father, but this is how nobles and royals would typically act. Yeah, I get it now. ...I have one word. “Change.” “Iris-sama, I beg you, please do not be hasty! My comrades are merely overwhelmed by nerves, but I am sure I can talk to them...!”

Darkness grabbed my arm and dragged me to a corner of the hall.

30 “You are such, you are such a-! What is ‘change’ supposed to mean!? What do you think I went through all that humiliating service for!? This is not what we agreed on!” I pulled on Darkness’ braid as she attempted to strangle me. “I’m the one who should be complaining! I went and got my hopes up for this princess, and what do I get!? I was expecting something like... ‘How I yearn to know the outside world! Oh, brave adventurer, please regale me with tales of your grand exploits!’ and stuff, but what the hell kind of dinner party do I get!? She’s just looking down on me!” “H-Hey, stop tha-...! Nnah, w-why is everyone trying to pull on my hair today...!? Nngh... N-No, not here, save it for when we’re alone...!” As Darkness was turning red and spouting rubbish, I pointed towards the princess. “Also, it looks like they’re already doing something over there. Are you sure it’s okay to leave them?” Where I was pointing, Aqua was spreading glue on a piece of paper with her finger, and pouring sand on it from above. Before anyone knew it, she had made an incredibly accurate portrait in sand. It was so well-made that you could easily confuse it for a black and white picture from a distance... “A present for Her Highness, in commemoration of this meeting. I even captured the little bit of sauce at the corner of her mouth...” The princess quickly wiped her mouth after Aqua’s tactless remark. “Iris-sama, I shall remove this impertinent woman at once!!” Darkness gave a shriek and began dashing over, holding up the hem of her dress with both hands. Hearing that, the princess whispered into white-suit’s ear. “I am satisfied to merely see the usually taciturn and composed Lalatina in such a fluster. Some degree of brazenness is to be expected of adventurers. That aside, I wish to hear your adventuring tales at once, Her Highness says.” As white-suit relayed to us, the princess put on a slightly amused smile as she watched Darkness try to snatch the sand painting Aqua was desperately trying to hide away in her bosom. Darkness gave a deep bow towards the princess and said: “My most sincere apologies, Iris-sama! I can only say that these three are particularly troublesome even amongst adventurers..!” As Darkness frantically tried to excuse our behaviour, Aqua offered the painting to the princess. The princess looked surprised, and whispered to white-suit. “To create such a masterwork in so little time...! Marvellous, simply marvellous! A reward is called for! ...Her Highness says,” white-suit said, as she dug something out of her pocket and gave it to Aqua. It was a small gemstone. Even with my amateur eye for appraisal, I could tell it was quite valuable.

31 While Aqua held the stone between her thumb and index finger, watching happily as it glistened, the blushing Darkness hung her head shamefully as she made her way towards a seat on the princess’ right side. Continuing from her, Megumin and Aqua were sat at the table. The princess beckoned me over, and gestured for me to sit on her left. As she watched me quietly move towards the seat, she whispered to white-suit. “You are the one mentioned by the enchanted sword wielding hero Mitsurugi, are you not? Now then, let me hear your stories, Her Highness says.” Mitsurugi is really rubbing shoulders with the greats, huh. Wait, what the hell did he say about me? Under white-suit and the princess’ expectant gazes, I began to recall... 7 “And that’s where I, using my quick wit, laid a trap. I cunningly broke the seal in order to trap Silvia on the inside! That way, I was able to buy time for the Crimson Magic kin to regroup!” “Incredible! I have heard many adventurers’ tales before, but I have never once heard of one with such a unique way of fighting! And never such suspenseful and thrilling adventures! All the others’ ballads speak only of how they effortlessly scattered hordes of foes to the wind, or of how they fell the dragon of such and such a mountain in a single swing of the blade... Their tales are impressive indeed, but they are all of undefeated heroes slaughtering monsters while never in harm’s way themselves...! ...Her Highness says.” The princess’ eyes shone like those of a child as she listened to my tales. I had one of the most important people in the kingdom enthralled by my words. Who could blame me for skipping past a few tiny details in that situation? “...Hey, is anyone else hearing the stuff that guy’s saying?” I heard Aqua whispering from the other side of the table. I ignored that and continued. “Well, Your Highness, that is because other adventurers only take on foes of their own stature. While their efforts are admirable in their own right, they are a different breed from one such as me, who always aims higher and challenges himself by facing enemies above his own level.” “How wonderful! Just how does one who always aims higher like yourself spend his daily life...? ...Her Highness asks. ...I am also personally curious to know how such as yourself lives day to day...” As the princess and white-suit looked at me with admiration; “Ah, well... During the day, I intentionally seclude myself in my mansion, in order to conserve my energy, and set out at nightfall. I then patrol the town in secret, in order to ensure the safety of the townsfolk,” I explained, as I avoided the extravagant food and mostly only brought drinks to my mouth.

32 I heard faint whispering coming from Megumin on the other side of the table, next to Aqua. “Aqua, he is actually trying to pass off his self-indulgent lazing around the house until the evening when he goes out to party as maintaining the peace.” “Shh, let’s see where this goes. You know how he is; he’s going to get even more carried away. He’s going to dig himself into a hole, just watch.” I heard the two of them muttering, but I’m not that dumb. I’m watching the princess’ reaction and choosing my words. Looking at Darkness, she was looking at the floor, somewhat embarrassed, while next to her Megumin was rubbing her braid. Even she seemed hooked on the feeling of Darkness’ braid. Darkness must’ve figured out they would keep quiet as long as she let them play with her hair, and that’s why she let them do it. The princess let out a satisfied sigh after hearing my stories, and whispered to white-suit. “You truly are cut from a different cloth than most adventurers. I feel as though you have something I have not seen in any other before you. What was your occupation before you chose the path of adventuring? ...Her Highness asks.” My occupation, huh... I began to recall nostalgic memories of my life in Japan. “Before I came to this land, I had the duty of defending my family home. Each day I would hone my skills in silence, so I could protect my beloved home in the event of disaster. Alas, it was a thankless task, as none could truly see the worth in my efforts...” I said. “Hm, much like the guard in the garrison of our palace in the capital? ...Their duty is also oft given little appreciation. Despite the lack of recognition they receive, we have them to thank for the peace in the royal capital... I am sure you have also warded off many a calamity in your homeland, unbeknownst to others.” I gave a deep nod to white-suit’s words. “Indeed, I saw off all sorts, such as people pressing us to sign contracts for three months, or others trying to come after our wealth.” Yes, newspaper subscription salesmen and license fee collectors. Hearing that, white-suit looked surprised and whispered to the princess. “Signing contracts... has repulsed demons, then... aiming for his wealth... clearly bandits and...” As I heard only fragments of what they were saying, Aqua looked at me as if she had something she really wanted to say. I swiftly looked away, but I could still feel her gaze on me. Stop it, I didn’t lie about anything. Stop looking at me.

33 8 Around the time everyone had had their fill and the small talk was coming to end. As I was eagerly running my mouth, white-suit suddenly said to me: “To think you could defeat the enchanted sword wielding hero Mitsurugi-dono... If I may be so bold, Kazuma-dono, may I please see your adventurer card? If you would allow me to study your skills for future reference...” She suddenly asked something outrageous. I can’t possibly show her the messy patchwork that is my adventurer card. If she asks where I know Lich skills from I’ll be in real hot water. Megumin noticed my distress and said: “Um, we adventurers tend to avoid revealing our hand as it were, even to one of Her Highness’ retainers, you see... Aah, that aside! Aqua, now that the party is in full swing, isn’t it about time for you to perform your very special ultimate party trick...!?” Attempting to change the subject, she covered for me. And of course, Aqua...! “...? The sand painting turned out great so I’m just going to leave it at that for tonight. Whaaat, do you want to see my tricks that badly, Megumin? Oh well, I promise I’ll show you an amazing one tomorrow when I’ll be refreshed. Hey, someone bring me more of this booze, over here!” Her inability to take a hint in top form yet again, Aqua instead ordered another round of drink. White-suit tilted her head suspiciously. “We are not adventurers like yourselves, but members of the nobility. We would never be so careless as to leak information about Kazuma-dono. Being able to study Kazuma-dono’s abilities could help improve the strength of the kingdom’s soldiers. To overthrow the Demon King is humanity’s greatest desire, after all. Will you not help to strengthen our forces? Or is there some reason you would rather not show us card, perhaps?” Yes, the latter. And at that moment; “He is an Adventurer, the weakest of classes, you see. I assume he is ashamed to admit it himself. May I humbly ask that we set aside the subject of his card on my behalf?” Darkness said as she smiled towards white-suit. “Y-Yes, that’s right, I suppose I forgot to mention it earlier, but I happen to be the lowest class. Gosh, I’m so embarrassed. I guess the cat’s out of the bag now, though,” I said, scratching my head, but white-suit was left agape. “The weakest class... Did you truly perform all those feats you mentioned earlier? And you claim to have won in the duel against Mitsurugi-dono, is that also true? If that is the case, may I ask how exactly you achieved victory?” Her tone was polite enough, but she clearly had more than a few doubts about me. I beat Mitsurugi with an underhanded surprise attack and by using Steal to take his magic sword, but there’s no way I could tell them that.

34 ...Then, the princess tugged on white-suit’s sleeve. She then leaned close and whispered in her ear... When she heard whatever the princess said, white-suit seemed a bit lost for a moment. “...A-Ahem... I cannot believe someone as handsome as Mitsurugi-dono would be defeated by the lowest class. You would not dare to speak falsehoods in the face of royalty, surely? The name of the enchanted sword wielding Sword Master is well known across the royal capital. It is preposterous to believe someone such as himself would be defeated by one of the weakest class from a town of novices. After all, he is so handsome. ...Her Highness says. ...I am of the same mind. He is quite handsome.” “Oi, you’re seriously asking for a smack now.” Hearing ‘handsome, handsome’ being thrown around so much by white-suit, I couldn’t help but retort. Yes, like I normally would, forgetting I was in the presence of royalty. Hearing that, white-suit immediately went into a rage. “Insolent dog! How dare you utter such a thing towards Her Highness!?” As she shouted, she drew the sword at her hip. Oh fuuuck! “Please forgive my companion’s imprudence...! He does not know matters of etiquette, I beg of you on my own name, show him clemency...! His achievements in combat are all true, and it would not serve Iris-sama’s honour to punish him after extending him the invitation to dine...!” Darkness bowed apologetically in my place. Seeing her, the princess whispered to white-suit. “...Iris-sama says as follows: I shall overlook this affront only on account of the Dustiness family’s many great contributions and loyalty to the Crown. However, my humour has been soured. The reward for his tales of adventure shall be accorded, but that shameful liar is to receive it and be gone at once.” Jeez, that’s a bit harsh! But thanks to Darkness, I’m saved. Still, you can’t just say something like that, practically begging me to talk back, only to then get mad when I do. That’s unfair. I was preparing to get up and leave, when... “Ow ow ow!? Wh-, Megumin, what are you-...!?” I heard Darkness suddenly scream. I guess Megumin must’ve been pulling on Darkness’ braid out of frustration. Both Darkness and I turned even paler when we noticed. Megumin, probably the one who cared the most about her comrades in our party; The same Megumin who at the Crimson Magic village was prepared to leave everything behind and flee, but still faced the general of the Demon King Silvia head- on when we were personally being threatened; The very same Megumin who insists on answering every single fight anyone picks with her and is the most quick tempered and lacking in knowledge of the word ‘patience’ out of all of us; how the hell is she going to react to...!

35 “...... ” After Megumin gave Darkness’ braid a couple more tugs, she seemed to calm down and returned to her job of packing away food. Oi, I was here shaking thinking you were going to say something like ‘Say that one more time’ or something to make things even worse and now I’m feeling let down. As the princess and white-suit were left astonished, Darkness asked Megumin with some confusion: “...Megumin, you’re being awfully quiet. Aren’t you going to blow up or...?” Megumin quietly brought something to her mouth, chewed it, swallowed and then answered: “If I were just me then I would have certainly lost my patience, but if I acted out here it would cause problems for you, Darkness.” We watched Megumin eating in silence for a bit longer. Having heard that, Darkness thought for a moment... She then stood up on the spot and bowed towards the princess. “Please excuse me, Iris-sama. Could I ask that you please reconsider your statement that that man is a liar? He may have an excessive way with words, but he has not by any means deceived Your Highness. Moreover, despite being the weakest class, I have not met anyone more dependable in times of need. I beg you, Iris-sama. Will you please amend your words and offer him an apology?” At her words, white-suit lost her temper. “What are you saying, Dustiness-kyou!? For Iris-sama to apologise to a mere commoner...!?”” At that moment, the princess swiftly stood up and spoke clearly out of her own mouth. So that all of us could hear. “...I will not apologise. If what he claims is true, that man is to explain how he was able to defeat Mitsurugi-sama. If he is unable to, he is two-faced weakling who is nothing but tal-!?” Something interrupted the princess right there. Without saying a word, Darkness slapped her across the cheek. “What are you doing, Dustiness-kyou!?” white-suit exclaimed indignantly as she stood in front of the shocked princess and was about to lash out with her sword at Darkness. “Ah! S-Stop...!” That was the princess' desperate cry. Before her voice could even reach, white-suit’s sword was already swinging down at Darkness...! “!?” With a dull sound, the sword cleaved into Darkness’ upraised arm.

36 The fresh blood gushed out, staining each of the princess, Darkness and white-suit’s clothing red. White-suit didn’t move. Actually, she couldn’t move. She probably expected to chop Darkness’ arm clean off. But, her blow stopped having only sliced off a bit of flesh and skin. As white-suit stood frozen with an awed expression, Darkness didn’t as much as glance at her and instead quietly turned face towards the princess. Our proud Crusader is a tough one. Probably the toughest in the kingdom. “Iris-sama, I beg your pardon, but that is no way to address one who has fought with all his fibre and has earned so many accolades. He is under no obligation to tell you how he defeated the enchanted sword wielder. And even if he is unable to, he is not deserving of abuse,” Darkness calmly said while gently caressing the cheek of the princess she had just slapped, as one would when admonishing a child, all while blood dripped from her arm. The princess looked up at her, baffled. I turned towards the still pale-faced and shocked white-suit: “...All right, I get it. After all my comrade did to defend me, I guess I have no choice but to tell you. ...I’ll show you how I beat Mitsurugi, but it’s not that amazing, just so know,” I said, as I stood up. White-suit opened her eyes wide at me as she readied her sword. “Enough, enough already! Claire, enough!” the princess cried out sorrowfully. She didn’t have the high-handed tone she had in her voice before. I wonder what brought on the sudden change of heart. Maybe she isn’t such a bad girl deep down? “...If that is what you want, then I won’t stop you. Show her, Kazuma. I hope you haven’t lost your touch,” Darkness said with a smile, provokingly, as she clutched her wound with her other hand. I stuck one hand out towards white-suit and replied: “Of course not, just think of who I’ve fought against! Magic sword wielders, generals of the demon king, even top prized bounties! And those are just my usual sparring partners! Let’s start with this: «Steal»!” As white-suit was watching me carefully, I shouted out! I’ll just steal her sword, and then finish her off in one...! ...Or maybe not. I quietly apologised to white-suit: “I’m sorry, you can... have these back...” “...? Eh-, ah-...! Kyaaaaaaaa!?” The white-suited lady dropped her sword and covered her lower body as I timidly held out her white underwear. “You are such a, you are such a-! Why can’t you ever finish anything off looking good!?”

37 9 “I... I am dreadfully sorry for what has happened...” White-suit apologised to us. The princess hid herself behind her, burying her face in white-suit’s sleeve. “Pay it no mind. We are also to blame for our lack of manners. My wound has also been healed completely, so it would be for the best to let bygones be bygones,” Darkness said to her, with a gentle smile. White-suit blushed in embarrassment. It seems like both her and the princess stopped caring about how I won that duel. “...Still, to heal that wound in such short time on the spot and leave not even a trace... Truly, that is a skilled Archpriest,” white-suit said while looking at Aqua, who was lying face-down on the table. I was wondering why she was being so quiet, but it turns out she got drunk by herself and had been asleep all along. She was woken up to heal Darkness’ wound, but she fell asleep again as soon as she did. Though, I don’t think waking her up would do wonders for the mood so I decided to let her sleep. White-suit continued: “Dustiness-kyou’s resilience is also commendable. And by her red eyes, I would be inclined to assume that the lady over there is Crimson Magic kin... With such a party it is fair to believe you capable of repelling generals of the Demon King. ...Though, as far as Kazuma-dono is concerned...” For some reason, white-suit singled me out with her doubtful gaze. She must be holding a grudge for stealing her panties earlier. Then, the squirming princess whispered not in white-suit’s ear, but in the other’s. The wizard lady who still hadn’t said a word or even moved a muscle, making it easy to forget she was even there. “Iris-sama, would that not be better said in person? Fear not, I have seen that Kazuma-dono favours one such as yourself.” Is it just me or did someone I’ve never met before just accuse me of being a lolicon? The princess walked towards me, her face pointed at the floor. “...I am sorry for calling you a liar. ...Would you please tell me more stories of your adventures?” she said bashfully, looking at me with upturned eyes. “With pleasure!”

“—Well then, we shall now take our leave and return to the palace. Dustiness-kyou and her esteemed companions, we can only ask that you please excuse tonight’s indiscretions,” the wizard lady said. Next to her, the princess wore the kind of bright, excitable smile one would expect of a girl her age. “Please, it is us who should apologise for the unpleasantness... Iris-sama, let us meet again upon my next visit to the palace. I shall remember to bring many tales of adventure,” Darkness said with a smile, and the princess smiled back.

38 Darkness looked like caring elder sister talking to her admiring little sister. The wizard lady incanted a teleport spell as she looked over the two of them calmly. ...And also; “Now then, your many heroic deeds shall be recorded in the royal archives for future generations. In honour of your contribution, we present you with this.” As she spoke, white-suit handed over a certificate and some kind of bag... Not to me, but to Darkness. ...Well, good for you! “I am very grateful. ...Well, Iris-sama, please take care...!” Darkness smiled warmly and accepted the gifts, as she and Megumin waved goodbye. “Well, I guess this is it, Your Highness. I hope to tell you more of my adventures some day,” I said as I also waved towards the princess, when; As the wizard lady was still chanting the spell, the princess grabbed my hand. “What are you talking about?” she asked with a confused look.

“«Teleport»!”

Along with the wizard lady’s voice, I closed my eyes as a light enveloped both me and the princess’ entourage. When I finally opened my eyes... The princess showed me an innocent smile, as a large palace stood behind her. Apparently I was transported along with them when she grabbed my hand. “Iris-sama!?” x2 Both white-suit and the wizard lady shouted out in shock. “Did you not say you would tell me more tales of your adventures?” The princess asked, still with a smile. Now this is what you’d expect from royalty. Audacity to spare.

39 Chapter 2: An Education for this Shrewd Little Girl!

1 The area around me was pitch black. This was around the time most people would be turning in for the day. But, in spite of that; “Welcome home, Iris-sama!” x? A large number of female servants gave a welcome in perfect unity, as if awaiting her return. This was the great entrance hall of the palace in the middle of the capital city. As I stood nearly frozen wondering how the hell it came to this, I was urged to follow behind the princess. She and white-suit led me to a luxurious room at the top of the palace. White-suit excused herself saying she had to make a report and went off somewhere, leaving only me, the princess and the wizard in the room. Everyone we passed by on the way didn’t as much as throw a questioning glance in my direction, instead simply giving a bow and stepping out of the way. Though I say this myself, I’m not sure about letting some suspicious character just wander around the palace. God, I want to go home. Even though I was on cloud nine imagining what I’d do if the princess took a shine to me and ordered me to become her personal knight just a while ago. As I was still in a bit of panic after having been suddenly abducted, the princess whispered in wizard lady’s ear. She nodded, and then turned to me. “Satou Kazuma-sama, welcome to our palace. As you are a guest, do not trouble yourself too greatly over etiquette and courtesy. Please, be at ease and think of this as your own home. This room shall be yours for the time being. ...Now, please continue your stories! ...Her Highness says.” “Uh excuse me, excuse me, just a second. Miss wizard, please, could I just have a quick word?” Hearing that, I headed for a corner of the room and beckoned the wizard lady over. “Yes? ...Aah, please feel free to call me Lain, there is no need for honorifics. I may be a noble but my standing is nowhere near as great as that of house Dustiness. As a friend of Dustiness-kyou, I would rather say you are of higher status than myself...” The wizard lady Lain said. “I see. Lain-san, then. I just wanted to ask you something.” “Like I said, there is no need for honorifics... Please just call me by my name. ...What is it?” Lain said, somewhat dejected, but my nerves aren’t strong enough to call an older noble lady I’ve never even met before by just her name. And didn’t white-suit lash out at me, calling me insolent just before?

40 Even if I’m in their good graces now, without Darkness to fall back on to protect me in case something goes wrong, I’m not exactly on solid ground. Somewhat anxious about the bored-looking princess, I muttered quietly: “Um, Lain-san. ...I would kind of like to know what’s going on. ...Her Highness was calling me a guest just now, but... I’m being abducted, aren’t I?” “Not at all. You are a guest. This is in no way an abduction.” “No but it clearly is though.” Ignoring my retort, Lain leaned in and whispered to me: “...Iris-sama has always been obedient and considerate on account of her strict royal upbringing, but this is the first time she has ever done something like this. Her Highness has no one of appropriate standing or even similar age to play with. Won’t you please bear this first act of selfishness and be her playmate for a while?” ...... Um. “No, no, I could never do that. Honestly, I pretty much already spent all my adventure stories up until now. Couldn’t you please somehow explain to Her Highness? About how I’m mostly out of those stories she likes?” At that, Lain walked over to the princess and seemed to explain something to her quietly. Soon after... “Bringing you here was in order to enact some slight revenge on Lalatina for striking me... Her Highness says,” Lain began to interpret as the Princess stood next to her, saddened. “...And, I was envious of how much fun you and Lalatina seemed to be having... I am sorry for being so selfish. Please, if only for a short while. Even if only for a few days, would you please play with me? ...Her Highness says.” ...That’s pretty cute. So she just wants me to be her playmate for a while? If I said no, that would probably reflect badly on Darkness too... “...I understand. Then, let me at least tell Darkness... I mean, Lalatina. Lain-san, I’m worried about my comrades, so could you please let them know I’ll be staying here for a while?” Lain acknowledged my request and left the room. All of a sudden, only the princess and I were left in that extravagant room. There were also the two female knights posted outside the door, probably the princess’ personal guards. More and more wicked thoughts churned through my head, such as is it really okay to leave a princess of this age alone in a room with a young man at night, or to give shelter to some random suspicious guy? The princess is the one who bought it all on with her little prank, but if the king or some other bigshot saw this, wouldn’t there be trouble? etc.

41 The princess must’ve taken notice of my concerns, and smiled as she said: “Father is with the general and onii-sama on campaign against the Demon King’s forces. There is no one to raise concern over trifling matters... I am often only in the company of Lalatina... Ah, ‘Darkness’ as you say. Please speak to me as you would with Darkness. ...Now please tell me, I wish to know so much about the outside world,” the princess said, as she took a seat on the bed. 2 White-suit returned, after having finished with all her reports and red tape. “Please excuse me. ...Iris-sama, I have come having finished taking care of the formal proceedings. Now Kazuma-dono is officially recognised as a guest and may freely make use of the palace’s...” She came in right at the climax of the story I was telling the princess.

“And then, Darkness said ‘Uu... H-How could this happen...’ as she came up behind me in the nude, blushing up to her ears, gripping her towel tightly, and then she timidly...!” “T-Timidly...!? What did she do timidly...!?” “Yes, what did she do timidly!? What are you telling Her Highness, you depraved filth!? I shall run you throooough!” White-suit put herself between me and the princess who was listening with bated breath on top of the bed, and drew her sword as she yelled at me. “W-Wait! Please wait! This is just what Iris asked me to...!” “The impudence of a mere adventurer referring to Iris-sama so casually...! You shall only speak of her as Her Royal Highness! And just what were you meaning to tell Iris- sama just noooooow!?” I can’t stand this bitch! “Wait, Claire, I was the one who allowed Kazuma-sama to refer to me by name. I granted him permission to speak plainly. Th-That aside, Kazuma-sama, tell me about Lalatina...! What did the nude Lalatina do timidly while gripping the towel!?” “You mustn’t, Lalatina-sama! Such stories are forbidden! Kazuma-dono, please do not bring such things to Iris-sama’s ears! A-And, a commoner like you and Dustiness- kyou... To go into the bath together... Y-You are lying, aren’t you?” The princess had been sitting on the bed, clenching her fists tightly with anticipation and listening to my every word. As she pressed me to hurry and continue, sat in my chair, I turned to the white-suit, the so-called Claire, who was equally enraptured by the premise, and said: “Every single word I’ve said has been true. You can even test me if you want. Don’t you have one of those in this big palace? One of those things they have in big town police stations they use for interrogations, the kind that goes ding when you lie? If you have one of those magic tools I wouldn’t mind if you brought it in right now.” She seemed to believe I wasn’t lying after hearing that.

42 “Then I shall believe you. I have doubted you before at Dustiness-kyou’ manor as well... B-But still, I must insist that you do not tell such stories to Iris-sama!” Claire said as she sheathed her sword tentatively and then threw me a glare. “I believe it is for Iris-sama to decide whether or not she should hear my story. I don’t see why she should listen to a helper such as you. How disappointed she must be to have her enthralling tale be interrupted! Go on, get out! I need to finish the story so you have to leave!” “I will not stand for it! And I am no helper, you insolent cur! I am Claire, eldest daughter of house Symphonia, of renown as great as that of house Dustiness which you seem to be so familiar with. I am Iris-sama’s personal escort, and...” Claire started bragging about something, when I turned to the princess and said: “Well, looks like white-suit doesn’t like this story, so how about I tell you a different one?” “’W-White-suit’, you brazen, vulgar pleb!? You are to refer to me as Claire-sama! Aargh, what a preposterous man... I have no doubt Dustiness-kyou is subjected to such anguish as well...!” Perhaps conscious of Claire’s frustrated muttering, the princess seemed a bit dismayed. “I suppose... A shame, but I shall have to hear the rest of that story on another occasion.” Hearing the princess’ understanding words, Claire let out a relieved sigh. I see, so it’s true that she isn’t normally very bratty. “All right, then, another story. There was one time Darkness and I fought, and we wagered that whoever loses would have to be subjected to something terrible the winner demands. I could tell you about what I did after I won...” “Y-Y-Yes please! By all means, tell me!” “Y-You mustn’t! Iris-sama, you must not listen to what this man tells you! He is a bad man!” 3 It was sometime late at night. Claire had been listening to my stories along with the princess, and had been busy getting mad, madder and then madder still. Eventually her own rage must’ve worn her out, as she dozed off and was now lying asleep in the bed the princess was sitting on. As for the princess herself, she was so enthralled by my stories that she didn’t seem at all tired, and was still listening with boundless excitement. The two of us had really hit it off, and we had gotten very friendly. Eventually, after having exhausted all my material from my adventures, my comrades and the olden days... “And then what? Please tell me more about this ‘culture festival’ at this ‘school’!” “More... Well, it’s when kids about the same age as you put on all kinds of activities. Like running a kind of coffee shop, for example.” The subject turned to my home country.

43 I didn’t say I was from a different universe, just from a far away country. Just talking about my old school days, the princess seemed jealous as she imagined what kind of mysterious unknown land I had come from. A world where kids the same age as her could learn and play in peace every day, without having to worry about monsters. Those days really just seemed boring to me, but to the princess... “Such a happy place seems almost like something out of a dream. How... How fantastic... Aah, but if someone my age would running a shop, what would they do if a bad customer refuses to pay? And can the shops serve many people? Can they pay all their staff and still turn a profit...?” To her, it did sound like a very enviable life. I looked at the much younger princess with a twinkle in my eye and said: “They only run the shops for fun.... Nobody thinks about things like profits. It’s more like playing a fun game of pretend than anything. They put on matching uniforms and try to get customers in... That’s just a fun thing to do.” Hearing that, the princess looked deeply envious, and slightly melancholy. I could understand. She was a princess after all. She couldn’t have friends amongst the commoners or go to school. This world didn’t even have any form of state education, aside from the already highly intelligent Crimson Magic kin. Thinking about it, the Crimson Magic kin must’ve really been wise if they knew the importance of sending children to receive an education early on, even if on such a small scale. ...Now if only their personalities were more normal. The princess muttered ‘school’, wistfully. I said to her, casually: “If you like that idea so much, maybe you could build schools here too. Building them wouldn’t be cheap, but it will definitely help the kingdom in the long run.” The princess looked as though she wanted to say something for a moment, but then stopped. ...? As I wondered what that meant, the stillness of the night air was suddenly pierced by the sound of a loud bell. The sound made Claire startle awake. Even though she was suddenly woken up, she immediately gained her composure. “...Hmph, back again?” she muttered, as she got up off the bed and dashed out of the room. What’s back again?

44 Before I could ask my question, a loud voice rang through the town. It was the same kind of announcement we’d sometimes get in Axel for emergency quests. «Alert, the Demon King’s army is attacking! Alert, the Demon King’s army is attacking! Knight corps are to sortie at once. Adventurers are asked to patrol the town for invading monsters and protect the citizens. We implore any high-level adventurers for their cooperation!» Hearing the announcement, the princess put on a faint, dismayed smile. “This is how it always is. We could never endeavour to build a place for peaceful study,” she murmured. I remembered something Aqua had also told me before I came here. Oh yeah, this world is having all kinds of problems because of the Demon King, isn’t it... 4 «The Demon King’s surprise attack has been quelled. We would like to thank all adventurers who helped in the effort. All who participated in this latest encounter may receive their special rewards from the Adventurers’ Guild...» That announcement came less an hour after Claire ran out with her sword in hand. That ended quicker than I expected. But still, for the capital city to be receiving raids in the middle of the night, doesn’t that mean the war situation isn’t very good? What are all those cheat users from Japan doing? I’d tell them to try harder. Though I think I’d be the last person they’d want to hear that from. Man, if this place is the front line, I really want to kiss it goodbye as soon as possible. I think my thoughts must’ve shown on my face. “...Thank you for the entertaining stories. Come morning, you may have Lain send you home if you wish. ...Could you please apologise to Lalatina on my behalf? For suddenly stealing you away so... This city is not the forefront of our war against the Demon King’s forces, but these attacks are not uncommon and it is hardly without danger,” the princess said, looking concerned about me...... That’s right, I can’t do anything to protect this town; I can’t even be of any help. I feel bad for the princess, but I’m going to have to leave this dangerous place. “Thank you for indulging my silly whim this evening, Kazuma-sama. ...Will you tell me more of your adventures some day?” the princess said, with a childish smile. ...She’s so cute. This poor little girl has stay locked up in this huge palace, surrounded by retainers and with no friends close to her age. The least I could do is tell her some stories once in a while...

45 The adorable young girl’s innocent smile touched something inside me that made my heart skip a beat, and before I knew it I was smiling back. “Of course. Honestly, the real reason I want to go back is because I’m a bit of a coward. ...But, for your sake, I’ll make sure to stock up on tales of adventure and be back one day.” Hearing that, the princess was overjoyed and laughed shyly: “Fufu, thank you. Somehow, you remind me of onii-sama from when I was younger. Though he is my brother, for royalty, even siblings tend to drift apart as time goes by. Now I hardly ever speak to my brother as I have with you... I truly wish for you to stay, but I cannot impose my selfish demands upon you any more...” “What did you just say?” I asked the princess to repeat something she mentioned in passing. “...Eh? E-Erm... I truly wish for you to stay longer, but...” she answered bashfully. No, not that. “What did you say before that? Something about how I remind you of someone...?” She said: “Um... You remind me of onii-sama from when I was young...?” “Please say that one more time, please.” With a bit of confusion: “Y-You remind me of onii-sama.” “Now could I get that a bit more casually...?” I asked her to say to me that word.

“You are like my onii-chan.”

I decided to stay in the palace.

46 47 5 There was a quiet knock, one clearly intended to be considerate and not disturb those who would hear it. I opened my eyes when I heard it, and went into a panic realising I had woken up in an unfamiliar room. “Kazuma-sama, have you awoken? I have brought your morning meal.” When I heard that voice from outside the door, I remembered what happened last night. Oh, right. I decided to live in this palace now. “Good morning, I’m up.” The one who called from the door, an elderly man with white hair and wearing a tuxedo, excused himself as he made his appearance. I rose up in bed as the old (I presume to be) butler pushed a trolley with my breakfast on it into the room. I’ll call him Sebastian. “This morning’s breakfast is Lesser Dragon bacon with eggs sunny side up and a vegetable salad with a large serving of fresh asparagus. Please choose a bread to enjoy alongside the meal should you so desire. The salad is made with fresh produce picked just this morning. The asparagus is particularly ferocious, so please do be careful for counter-attacks.” The old man said a lot of things I wanted to probe into as he brought the plate with my breakfast by my bedside. Making bacon out of the top of the food chain in fantasy worlds is one thing, but I’m also concerned about that ferocious asparagus. Maybe I should err on the side of caution and only eat the eggs... Improper as it might have been, I sat upright in bed and stuck my fork into one of eggs on the table. “Kyuu.” ...Kyuu? As I stared in awe at my plate after having had my eggs squeak at me, there was another knock at the door. “Come in.” I gave up on eating the eggs and instead answered the door, which slowly opened. And... “...G-Good morning...” Iris said with a soft murmur, as she stood half hidden behind the door. —Iris just stood there squirming by the door and peering at me without coming into the room. This is new. With the female company I usually keep I could expect to have someone come bawling at my door, or kick it in, or threaten to blow it open with magic if I refused to come out.

48 “...G-Good morning, Iris-sama. You sure are up early after we stood up talking so late into the night yesterday.” “Um, I would be happier if we could speak more informally inside the palace, like we did last evening...” As the two of us exchanged awkward greetings, we somehow locked eyes. I was able to be more casual yesterday, but that was in the middle of the night and we were both caught up in some strange mood. Iris must’ve also calmed down a bit once morning came round. For some reason, she kept throwing embarrassed glances at me. “Oh? In that case, let’s try it one more time.” “Yes! ...G-Good morning, o-o-onii-chan...!” The word onii-chan immediately blew my morning blues away and roused me up, but I didn’t want to suddenly start jumping around for fear of startling Iris. Trying to give off my best gentlemanly impression, I got out of bed and put on a placid smile. Possibly due to my display of mature sophistication, Iris blushed adorably. “Good morning, Iris.” “...Um, could you please put on a pair of trousers...”

—After having gotten dressed and more or less finished with breakfast, I was walking around the palace with Iris. “You have it all wrong, Iris. Onii-chan isn’t some kind of pervert. I just didn’t happen to have any kind of pajamas to wear so I had to sleep in my underwear is all.” “I understand, truly I do, so let us please stop talking about this, onii-sama!” Ever since that morning’s event, Iris stopped calling me onii-chan. Onii-sama felt a bit more distant, which made me sad. When I asked her what I should do in the palace, she said all I needed to do was tell her more things she didn’t know or things she’d find fascinating. “So, I guess that would make me your tutor?” “N-No. Claire and Lain have been entrusted as my tutors. Rather, I would like for you to be my... playmate, onii-sama...” Iris said with a quiet and apologetic voice as we walked side by side, eventually lowering her gaze. This girl is the most important person in this palace right now. She could afford to be more demanding and upfront about what she wants. I wonder if I could help her fix her overly obliging personality. The high education she received is probably the reason why she’s so mature and considerate of others. She really understands just how much authority members of the royal family possess, and how much the slightest whim can affect the people around her. Lain the wizard said that bringing me to the palace was her first ever act of selfishness. Part of her reason was to get back at Darkness, but if I’m promised a life in the lap of luxury just for being her playmate, living here might not be so bad.

49 As we talked, Iris and I arrived at the palace courtyard. There was a table with a parasol and chairs, and a board game on top of it. “In truth, today I am free from my lessons, so I had hoped we could play this game, if you would...” Iris asked timidly, unsure if she should ask me to play or not. I sat on one of the chairs and began to arrange the playing pieces on the board. “I’m not one of your retainers. I’m not going to put on a good show and then let you win at the end. I’ll play, but only if we play for real. When I hear the word game, I only think of winning. Is that fine by you?” “! Y-Yes! That is exactly what I wish for! Everyone in the palace is so fussy over me that I could never find an opponent! I do not mind losing at all! It does not bother me in the slightest, so please play with me!” “That’s the spirit! No crying if you lose though, okay? I’d get into all sorts of trouble if I make Her Royal Highness cry! Let’s do this, then! If we’re being serious, we should start with a proper greeting. Let’s have a good game!” “Let us have a good game!” I took a playing piece in my hand, and...!

“—U-Um, it will get dark soon, so should it not be about time for us to stop for today?” “What, you want to quit while you’re ahead, do you!? I told you we’d play for real or not play at all! I’m finally starting to read you, so I know I can win soon! Oh and don’t think of starting to go easy on me just because you want to stop! I’ll know if you lose on purpose!” “I know I agreed to play in earnest but you are being incredibly annoying, onii-sama!” “Shut up! I hate this stupid game anyway! I have a companion who likes this game and it drives me nuts every time she teleports!” “That is no business of mine!” As the two of us argued over the board, Claire rushed over, seething with anger. “I come to fetch Iris-sama in time for dinner and what should I find!? What manner of tone is that!? Are you about to start crying as well!? Admit your defeat like a man and return to the dining hall before the food gets cold! Do not trouble Iris-sama so!” “Damn it, now Claire butts in! We’ll finish this tomorrow! I swear I’ll beat you next time!” “You are a child! Onii-sama, you are such a child!” “Onii-sama!? I-Iris-sama, are you referring to this man!?” When we explained in full, Claire’s and my arguing crashed through the refined atmosphere of the entire palace. From that day forward, I became the princess’ playmate.

50 6 I heard Lain’s voice from inside a room. “—And for that reason, members of the royal family have been born blessed with more talents than the common man for generations. Taking the hero who defeats the Demon King as husband is not simply a reward for the hero.” They seemed to be in the middle of a history lesson, but I knocked on the door regardless. “...Kazuma-sama. I apologise, but Iris-sama is currently engaged with her studies. May I please ask that you return later?” Lain the tutor said, without much of an expression. “How much later? About five minutes?” “N-No, I am afraid today’s history lesson lasts until the afternoon...” Sneaking a glance into the room, I saw Iris looking at me restlessly. She seemed happy, as if this was the first time anyone invited her to play. But she also seemed a bit troubled, not willing to ask to stop her lesson in order to have fun. “Oh well. Then I’ll be outside killing time, I guess.” “Thank you. Now then, if you will excuse me...” As Lain let out a sigh of relief, I left the room. Iris looked a bit sad to see me leave, but it couldn’t be helped. I exited into the courtyard, and took up position right under the room where Iris was being taught... “I~ want to fly~ free~ into the sky~. Go, taketombo1!” Singing the customary song loudly, I let the taketombo I had developed and Vanir had rejected fly, when the window opened forcefully. “Kazuma-sama! You are drawing Iris-sama’s attention to the window with your singing and playing! Please stop that!”

—After I killed some time disturbing her lessons, eventually they ended and Iris came running to me. “Onii-sama, what was that magic tool from earlier!? It seemed like such an amusing game, so if I could also...” Iris had rushed over so quickly she was out of breath. “Oh, this thing? This is a very powerful item imbued with wind magic. It’s so strong you can keep using it forever. You just have to spin it like this and you can send it flying.” “Amazing! To have unlimited uses, might it be a god item!?” I handed the taketombo over to the gullible Iris.

1 Literally translates as bamboo dragonfly, also known as bamboo-copter or Chinese top. A traditional wooden toy consisting of a helicopter-like propeller on the end of a stick. The stick is spun between the hands to give the toy momentum and let loose to allow it to fly into the air.

51 “Let’s play that game from before. If you agree to my condition, I wouldn’t mind letting you have it as a present.” “A-Are you certain!? I will, I will! Please tell me! What is your condition?”

—Ten minutes later.

“And checkmate! Yahaaa! I wiiiiiiin!” “Yes, yes, you have bested me. You really are such a child, onii-sama.” “Oooh, big talk from a loser. Well, I promised, so here’s the taketombo.” “T-Thank you so much! ...But are you truly sure you are fine with letting me have such a magic item, just for playing without one of the pieces...” Iris said regretfully as she held the taketombo tightly in both hands. ...Then, someone called out to us. “So this is where you were, Iris-sama. I have been looking for you. You should not abandon your escort and leave in such a... Oh, Kazuma-sama. Is that a taketombo? I have seen something similar made by an adventurer with a strange name whom I had met.” Lain must’ve been looking for Iris ever since she dashed out of the room the moment her lesson ended. “You know the gentleman who made this magical tool, Lain? This item is amazing, like some kind of god item...!” “Magical tool, Your Highness? No, it is simply... it is merely a toy for children, made from carved bamboo. Anyone could easily make such a...” Before Lain even finished speaking, Iris turned and gave me a teary-eyed glare. “Onii-sama, you liar! I refuse to accept this! That match no longer counts!” “Oh, what’s this? Didn’t I tell you yesterday? I play to win. If you can’t beat your opponent in skill, you can find other ways to gain the upper hand. I pinpointed and took advantage of your lack of common knowledge, so I won strategically. ...Not acknowledging the game just because you lost, oh Iris-sama, you’re such a baby!” “! In-In that case, a rematch! Let us play again! I will even play with a handicap again!” “Oh would you look at that, it’s time for dinner. Look, Claire is here to call us. Guess this is a total victory for me.” Iris was demanding a rematch and I refused; the reverse of what happened yesterday. Claire had come to fetch us for dinner, but; “So you intend to quit while you are ahead!? That is not fair! One more time! Claire, you tell him! Please!” “Oi, Claire, you tell Iris what you told me yesterday! That bit about admitting defeat and going to the dining hall before the food gets cold! Go on, tell her! Don’t go easy on her just because she’s the princess!” She got caught up in our argument, and stood flustered, not knowing what to do—

52 “—So, don’t you ever feel like getting out of the palace, Iris? I don’t mean going to a place like Axel. I mean to a mountain or a river. There’s a lot of stuff we don’t know in the world. Like maybe weird demons who get on with the neighbourhood housewives, or friendly liches who live off bread crusts.” Today Iris’ lessons ended in the morning, and we were sitting on the terrace of her room on the top floor, drinking tea and playing the game. “I must be escorted by an order of knights if I am to leave the palace. I am also not permitted to go into the city alone without my retainers... Also, would there really be demons and liches in such places? I may not know much of the outside world, but please do not try to fool me. ...I use Teleport.” Iris stared at me doubtfully as she made her move. She must be more wary of me after what happened yesterday. Lain stood next to me, not taking part in the conversation, just refilling our teacups. I moved my piece swiftly and said: “You’re being suspicious of me again. You know, not everything in the world has to make sense. Did you know? Most fish are caught from the sea or from rivers, but saury are the only fish you get from a field.” “Surely you jest!?” “I-It’s true! When I used to work in a bar2, they would tell me to go fetch saury from the field out back!” “I-Is that so... They were just teasing you, Onii-sama...” Iris said rudely, when Lain whispered into her ear: “Iris-sama, Kazuma-sama is not lying. Saury are harvested from fields.” “Is that true!? I cannot believe it... I would sooner believe dogs can fly...” “I don’t know any flying dogs, but I do know a fire-breathing cat.” “Now surely you must be lying! Liar! You really are a liar!!” “It’s true, I tell you! My comrade keeps it as a pet!!” “K-Kazuma-sama, really now...” “You too, Lain!? Damn it, I’M NOT LYING!!” As I banged on the table with frustration; “You have lost your composure, Onii-sama. Just as I had planned! This is my victory!” Iris said as she put me in checkmate, showing me a childish smile. 7 Iris has been getting really sharp lately. The quiet and obedient Iris I first met went missing somewhere. ...I swear. At first I was happy to see her smiling more, but now I get the feeling she’s looking down on me. And especially as a gamer, I can’t let her keep beating me. In order to take back my dignity as an older brother, I need to establish the pecking order around here.

2 Reference to the Kono Subarashii Sekai Ni Bakuen Wo! spinoff.

53 It’s been almost a week since I came to this palace. Iris has grown attached to me, and I’ve gotten used to the lifestyle. —It’s around noon. Iris is scheduled to have lessons until three in the afternoon. As I had just woken up, I sat half upright on the soft bed and clapped my hands. An elderly man with grey hair, dressed in a neatly fitted butler’s uniform, appeared in response. “You called, Kazuma-sama?” “Yes, could you bring me my morning coffee now please, Sebastian?” Yes, my personal butler, Sebastian. “Heidel, sir.” “-please, Heidel?” I guess he’s Heidel. I asked Heidel the butler to bring me my coffee and once again relaxed on the bed. There is one more task waiting before the day can begin. Mary the maid will be here to change the sheets soon. Though, I can’t just let her change them quite so easily. One must always get in the way of maids, and prevent them from simply getting on with their work. That is how nobility do. That was what Darkness told me when I made her work as a maid, so it must be true. Let’s kill the time before Iris finishes her lesson by tormenting the maid, shall we? —Not before long, there was a knock on the door just like I anticipated. “Good morning, Mary. Don’t think you’ll have an easy time changing my sheets. All right, if you want this to be over quickly so you can get on with your other duties, say: ‘Master, I beg you...’”

The one who came in was Darkness.

“...Master, I beg you...? Go on, Kazuma, say it. Say it so everyone can hear. What comes next?” Behind the shockingly straight-faced Darkness were a disgusted Aqua and Megumin. “M-Master, I beg you, please let this lowly servant take Master’s fragrant sheets...” “Fragrant sheets? I thought sexual harassment was your forte. Don’t be embarrassed, say it! So that everyone in the palace can hear!” “P-Please forgive me...! Wait what the hell are you doing here!? This room is my sanctuary! Who gave you permission to come in here!?” As I began to shout at Darkness, she suddenly furrowed her brow...! “What am I doing here!? I’m here to take you back, obviously! I swear... Stop causing trouble and come back home this instant! Why do you always do such stupid things you absolute-! Megumin hasn’t been able to sleep at night! She’s been worried sick about you, thinking you’re going to get into trouble again and never come back!” “I-I-I was never that worried! I just happened to want to stay up late for several nights in a row is all. Please do not get any strange misunderstandings!”

54 I wanted to press the flustered Megumin on that, but I heard something else more disturbing. “Screw that, I’ve been appointed as Iris’ playmate! Don’t get in the way of my fun peaceful life I have here!” “You fool! There is no such position in our kingdom! Listen carefully, Kazuma. You don’t have a reason to be here, and you don’t belong. How long do you think they’re going to let some suspicious nobody loiter around the palace without a reason!?” “Then I’ll become Iris’ tutor! Who else would be better for giving some clueless naïve princess a real education!? And while we’re on the subject, what about you? You’re not much better than Iris, are you!?” “I-I cannot believe how much of an absolute...! Tutor!? I heard from Claire-dono! You’ve been nothing but a bad influence on Iris all this time! Like how you tell her about all kinds of ridiculous things during her military and combat training, backdoors and whatnot...! Royalty and knights are not adventurers, they must fight with honour! Don’t teach her your sneaky tricks! Aqua, say something!!” As Darkness mentioned her, Aqua furiously put her hands on her hips and said: “Yeah, how come Kazuma is the only one who gets to live in a palace!? We only managed to defeat generals of the Demon King by combining our powers, didn’t we!? It’s not fair unless I get to live in a palace too!!” “Actually you keep quiet, you’re making things worse!” Pushing Aqua, who was whining about being cheated, aside, Darkness stepped forward. “Oh, what’s this? Even after getting beaten by me every time in the past you’re still hungry for more? I always thought you had a head like a rock despite being an ojousama, but I guess you just never learn. I’m living a safe, fun life where nothing is denied me and I have want for nothing in this palace. Piss off right now if you don’t want me to send you off crying instead!” “...All right, let’s do this. The rest of you, please step outside,” Darkness said, despite only wearing a one-piece dress and being unarmed. As the others were leaving, I put on a triumphant smirk. “You really want to go? You think you have a shot at me without any armour or weapons? Would you look at that, you’re only wearing a flimsy little dress. Would be a real disaster if I happened to unleash my all-powerful Steal right now.” “Bring it.” Darkness didn’t hesitate a moment before replying, probably thinking it was a bluff. “...Are you sure? Just three hits from my Steal and you’ll be buck naked, you know? If you want to back out now, I’ll...” “I said bring it.” Darkness cut me off as she took a step forward. “O-Oi, quit joking around. I’m serious, you know? I’ll go all out.” “And I’m telling you to bring it on! We’re the only ones in this room! Come on, if you want to strip me then have at it!” She’s shameless!

55 “Alright, wait, I get it, let’s talk about this!” “The time for talking is long over! You’re fine with light sexual harassment, but you can’t cross that line, can you, you spineless worm! Take it all off if you can! Strip me naked and have at me, if you can! If you have the nerve, then do it!” “Lewdness supervisor! That’s what you really are! I’m going to start calling you Lewdness from now on! AAAAAHH it’ll break it’ll break! I lied I’m sorry! S-Someone HELP MEEEE!”

56 57 As Darkness grabbed my arm and easily pushed me face-down to the floor, I shouted towards the door for help. And the one who answered my plea was... “U-Um... Lalatina...! Please do not do anything cruel...” Iris, back early from her lessons, who had come to play. Despite having been hit by Darkness before, my dear little sister bravely stepped in to protect me. “Iris-sama, you mustn’t spoil this man! He is nothing more than a lecherous fiend in disguise. He only means to take baths with or use his skill to steal the underwear from any woman he sees. That is the kind of brute he is. I will sacrifice myself, Iris- sama, so please stay outside...!” Once Iris is away, I will put this bitch through hell just like she said. Like stripping her naked, to give a concrete example. Don’t think I won’t cross that line at some point...! Then, Iris looked disheartened by Darkness’ words. “...” She lowered her face despondently and became quiet. “Uu... I-Iris-sama...” Even Darkness is weak to Iris. Seeing Iris’ face, she began to panic while still holding me down. “Oh look, now you’ve gone and made the princess sad. Don’t you feel sorry, you OW OW OW OW OW!” “You be silent! ...Iris-sama, please listen to me. This man has a mansion in Axel, and is a rather well-known adventurer. He has friends there, ones who would worry for him if he would go missing. We too have come here out of concern for him. ...That is why, could I please ask that you release him?” Hearing that, Iris gave a small nod with a sorrowful expression. “...You are right. I am sorry to have been so selfish...” Try harder, Iris! Hang in there! Don’t give up! Your word is the law in this palace! You can throw a tantrum! Iris suddenly raised her gaze towards Darkness and: “Lalatina. If that is your wish, would you at the very least... allow me to host a farewell banquet tonight...?” she asked, looking at her with upturned eyes. 8 A dinner party for nobles and royalty. It was extravagant and gaudy beyond words. “Hey Kazuma, this is really tasty! This ham on wild melon stuff! The melon is so fresh it’s still jumping around.” “Kafuma, Kafuma, thish hish derhishoush thoo. ...*Gulp*. This pudding on vinegared rice with wasabi and soy sauce! I do not know where this dish comes from, but the stickiness combined with the sweet, thick pudding gives it a rich but still not too heavy...!”

58 Seeing my comrades stuff their faces with the feast laid out for us in banquet hall, I came to understand why we commoners were out of place here. We had dressed up in suits and dresses borrowed from the palace wardrobe so we at least looked appropriately fancy, but our attitudes and conduct were clearly worlds apart from the other guests’. There were a few hired bartenders preparing cocktails for the guests in a corner of the hall, but Aqua found it too much of a hassle to walk over there every time she wanted a refill so she dragged her seat and table with all the food still on it over to them, and started drinking and eating at the same time. Also, next to me, Megumin was busily shoving food into an empty container she had brought with her. Usually there’d be someone who’d be so embarrassed she’d try to stop them before things ended up like this, but... “Dustiness-kyou, how unusual to see you here! I thought you were not fond of parties. My word, I am glad to find you here on this fine evening! I am simply delighted to be able to admire your fair form!” “Dustiness-kyou, how fares your honourable father, Ignis-sama? I have served Ignis- sama once in my youth, you know...” “Aah, Dustiness-sama! I must thank the Goddess of fortune Eris-sama for being so privileged as to see you on this evening! I have heard much rumour of your beauty, but I had not anticipated this...!” “Why, I know now not to place my trust in hearsay! If I had to compare your beauty, it would be even greater than that of the elusive moonlight flower, said to only bloom for one night every hundred years! As it happens, I know of an establishment that would suit your fair grace. May I have the honour of accompanying you there after this celebration?” “Why, someone of your house couldn’t possibly be fit to escort Dustiness-sama. Though I would gladly offer to go with milady...” Darkness was flanked on all sides by nobles showering her with compliments. Darkness herself must have not been very used to this, as she gently turned down their advances with a diplomatic smile. “I am flattered, truly, but I am not accustomed to such festivities, so I must beg for your understanding.” ‘Who the hell are you?’ I wanted to retort. Putting on the act of a reserved lady, Darkness’ cheeks twitched. I bet she’s actually fed up to the brim. Still, she’s really popular. All around her were blonde-haired, blue-eyed handsome young men...... “So this is where you were, Lalatina. Oh, you are just the belle of the ball, aren’t you, Lalatina? Your dress looks especially lovely on you tonight, Lalatina.” As I approached her and kept calling her Lalatina all of a sudden, Darkness spat out her wine.

59 “*Cough*! *Cough*, P-Please excuse me!” As all the nobles around turned towards me, the choking, teary-eyed Darkness wiped her mouth with a handkerchief. “What is it, my adventuring comrade Satou Kazuma-sama? Calling me by my name so in a place like this troubles me. You are ever the mischief-maker, aren’t you? Others might misunderstand our relationship, you know?” Though her face was still in a pleasant smile, she put an awful lot of emphasis on that ‘adventuring comrade’ part. No really, who are you? Hearing those words, the nobles were put at ease. “Haha, I was shocked to hear someone call Dustiness-sama by her first name so suddenly. So Dustiness-sama is in the pursuit of adventuring and hunting monsters to defend the citizens. For a moment I believed the two of you were in an intimate relationship.” “Indeed. Dustiness-kyou’s comrade is an admirable fellow. Did a fine job of startling us, eh? Mischief or not, I am envious of being able to call Dustiness-kyou by her forename.” “I could not agree more. ...Ah yes, have you decided on a betrothed, Dustiness- sama? If not, I would be honoured to propose myself as the lucky gentleman who has the joy of calling you by your first name...” “No, no, I have propositioned house Dustiness for a marriage interview for the longest time. I should have the honour of being first choice...” The nobles started accosting Darkness again, all competing against each other, none willing to leave her side. I wouldn’t expect anything else from a bunch of powerful, rich hunks. They had self-confidence to spare, and were not willing to let up. I was thinking of dropping another bomb on them, when it happened;

“—Dustiness-sama has a far more deserving partner for all the grand achievements she has had these past few years. You lot are not even worth considering.”

With that impudent remark, a somewhat familiar man suddenly interjected. He was a middle aged man; large, plump and hairy everywhere except for his head. “Why if it isn’t Aldarp-sama, ever with the bitter remarks...” I couldn’t forget him if I tried. It was the one who tried to have me falsely accused and sentenced to death, the lord of Axel. “What are you doing here?” “Y-You-!? You are the rat who sent the Destroyer’s core into my mansion! It’s your fault it still hasn’t been rebuilt! I am living in my holiday home in the royal capital until then! And how dare you address me so lightly, peasant!? It’s Aldarp-sama to you!” Aldarp began shouting and spattering at my question. The old fart is even rich enough to have a holiday home.

60 “Well then, Aldarp-sama, if I may, who is this more suitable partner for Dustiness- sama? If rumour is to be believed, you yourself have asked for her Dustiness-sama’s hand. Surely you don’t mean...” One of Darkness’ suitors asked snidely towards the old man who interrupted them. “It is not I, of course. Indeed, neither my son. That may have been the case before, but with the status of Dustiness-sama’s family, there can only be one man who has earned enough glory to be worthy of her hand.” Aldarp said arrogantly, with a self- assured expression. A man worthy of Darkness’ hand, who has earned enough glory. “You mean me?” “You keep your mouth shut or we won’t get anywhere! Go over there and play with Aqua and Megumin!” Darkness scolded me, her outward mask beginning to crumble. Ignoring our exchange, Aldarp smiled all over his face and said: “The one currently battling the Demon King’s forces alongside His Majesty The King, first prince Jatis-sama. By all rights Darkness-sama would have to take a husband, but if the two of them have several children, the youngest could inherit the Dustiness name.” Hearing that, the nobles’ faces sank and they fell silent. “Jatis-sama has long been fighting in the vanguard, and Dustiness-sama has recently quelled generals of the Demon King’s army one after another, why, she could already be called a hero. Such service could well be rewarded by marrying into the royal family. And the two would certainly raise strong, beautiful and upstanding children. ...Well? Are they not a perfect match?” Darkness did say this old guy has a weird fixation with her. He had seen her as some prize beyond his reach and been struggling in vain to get at her, but now he must’ve finally given up. “T-That is true...” “I could not think of a better partner...” The nobles reluctantly began to sulk away after hearing that. Darkness was about to say something, when; “Oi, what about our scandalous affair!? Lalatina, are you dumping me!?” “!?” x? At my outburst, everyone jumped. “W-W-What are you blurting out now...!? I-I mean, so you have come up with a new jest, Kazuma-sama. Did I not tell you that now is not the time for silly antics?” Darkness said with a cheerful smile, as she stuck her hand out towards my arm, as if trying to wrap around it cordially. I swiftly dodged it. “Lalatina, think of all the days we’ve spent in bliss! Don’t you remember how we would wake up under the same roof every morning, and how we would bathe together!? You would wash my back for me! Just the other day we did that special play where you would call me master...” “Kazuma-sama, your jokes are going too far, you will cause an awful scene!” Darkness paid no mind to her surroundings as she tried to grapple me, but I grabbed her hands straight-on.

61 “Ooh, are you sure, Lalatina!? Are you sure you want to show off your gorilla strength in front of all these noble gentlemen!? I know you like to stall things, but you have to get married some day, you know? Especially as a noble, it’d be pretty bad if nobody marries you soon, wouldn’t it? If you show everyone your tard strength now, who will ever take your haaaaAAAAAAAA!?” “Ara ara, Kazuma-sama, you are quite the actor! I am not even putting any strength in yet your pain looks so genuine! It only makes me wonder what would happen if I got serious! Would you like to test my strength now that I’ve levelled up!?” “Your jokes are going too far, Dustiness-samaAAAA!” 9 —I only meant a little bit of harm. Actually, seeing Darkness so popular ticked me off, so I just wanted to ruin it for her. It’s the kind of feeling where you have a close female friend who you wouldn’t want to go out with, but you also wouldn’t want her being with someone else. It wasn’t that long ago I was blinded by the promised reward and trying to press her into marriage, yet for some reason now I tried to get in the way of my own life becoming easier. I’ll admit, it’s selfish. This was supposed to be a farewell party in my honour, but since Darkness stood out so much I ended up being completely ignored. ...It’s not like I want to be fawned over by a bunch of noble pretty boys, or that I’m lonely or anything. For some reason, Aqua and Megumin were mingling with the noble ladies, asking what shampoo they use or talking about how this soap from this place is the best and whatnot. Well, that must be because those two look all right as long as they keep quiet. ...And it’s not like I’m at all jealous of them...! “—Why are you all the way over here?” As I tried to make myself small against a corner of the banquet hall, watching everyone else socialise, Iris called out to me. “Oh, that’s my Iris! You’re so thoughtful and kind and cute, Iris! Here I was being the miserable, sad loner at the party, when my lovely little sister Iris comes to the rescue!” “P-Please...” Iris muttered softly as she cast her eyes downward and blushed after I showered her with praise. Oh? She hasn’t been afraid to talk back to me lately, but she’s being awfully quiet tonight. Still blushing, Iris put her back against the wall next to me. That annoying Claire didn’t seem to be with her, probably because it was a party inside the palace.

62 Then, as she stared at the gaudy room in front of us: “This palace will become so very quiet from now on. Now that a certain someone who would always anger Claire and trouble Lain will be gone,” Iris murmured, leaning against the wall. “I think I’ve made those two dread the sight of me in just this past week. Still, isn’t it good that the palace will be quiet? The place I live in is always noisy. If I could have one wish granted, it’d be for some peace and quiet,” I said, as Iris threw a glance at me and put on a pained smile. ...How does she do that? That one sad little moment made my chest tighten. Have I always been this easy? “Maybe it’s partly my fault for treating you like my little sister ever since we met, but you’ve gotten pretty attached to me in just one short week, haven’t you?” I tried to change the subject, hoping she wouldn’t notice I was shaken by a 12 year old. “Did that upset you?” But as she asked that bashfully with upturned eyes, it only got worse. “N-No, not at all, it made me happy, of course. I was just, you know, wondering what about you liked so much about me,” I said, just barely managing to keep my nerves from making my voice crack, and Iris snickered. And then... “I have never met one such as yourself before. While everyone else waits on me, you alone had the courage to be blunt, and rude, and teach even a royal such as me all manner of curious things, and boldly challenge me without restraint...” “O-Oi, I asked what you liked about me, not what you didn’t.” I responded, bewildered. “Yes, I was telling you why I like you.” Iris said, with a bright smile... God damn she’s cute! Why does there always have to be a wall between me and decent girls like her and Eris-sama? Though, I only think of Iris as a little sister, of course. I only see her as a 12 year old kid, obviously! “That reminds me, I had more wins in that game we played. Shall we agree that victory belongs to me, then?” “Oi, what are you talking about? We were evenly matched in that last one, and I had more overwhelming wins overall. If we had kept playing I’d have obviously won.” “Really, you could afford to admit defeat at this point. You really are a child, onii- sama!” “Oh yeah? Well I say the one who gets mad at losing against a child and calls herself the winner is the real child!” Iris and I argued like that for a while, but eventually got tired of it and started resting against the wall again. I swear, stubborn until the very end, that kid. Though, Iris seemed to enjoy getting into arguments lately.

63 We didn’t talk about anything else after that; we just sort of stood there and watched the party from afar. For this past week, whenever we were together we could always find something to talk about, or get angry about, or laugh about, but for some reason, both of us were now silent. Aqua and Megumin were still eating and drinking, Darkness was still surrounded by nobles. “I doubt I will ever be able to forget these days we have spent together...” Iris said to herself, as she stared on. “I envy Lalatina. Every day must be so fun for her...” she then said, gloomily. ...She really has gotten attached to me in just one week’s time. If I leave, starting tomorrow she’s going to back to living to fulfil her royal duties, denying herself, never being selfish, always playing the good girl. ...Is there no way for me to stay here? Maybe I could get knighted? Nah, even with my connections to Iris and Darkness, no knightly order would roll out the red carpet for a wimp like me. Besides, I got expelled from the palace for being a bad Influence on Iris, and because I didn’t have anything to contribute by being here. ...Maybe I’ll get lucky and some general of the Demon King will attack. If I just make short work of him, they’d probably think I’d be necessary to have around and be willing to grant me a few favours. Maybe it doesn’t even have to be that big of an achievement. I’d just need to do some service for the royal capital. That might calm the winds blowing against me... As I fell into silent meditation, Iris: “I would like to become an adventurer like Lalatina. The royal family has had a powerful affinity for magic and hidden talents for generations, after all. I doubt I could become a Crusader like Lalatina, but... I could be a wizard, or a Priest, could I not? Or perhaps... A thief, like the honourable thief that is so spoken about! I am sure Claire would be furious to hear me say I want to become a thief, though,” said, with a snicker. “...Hm? Who’s so spoken about?” I asked as I suddenly raised my eyes, but Iris tilted her head quizzically. “You do not know of the honourable thief, onii-sama? They say there is a thief who only sneaks into the homes of disreputable nobles and steals their ill-gotten gains. And the very next day, the victim finds that their money was left as a donation to an orphanage run by the Church of Eris... That is why the thief is known as the honourable thief.” Honourable thief...

64 “By all rights a member of the royal family such as myself would never call a thief in any way honourable... But, is it not just so cool? As a royal I am more likely to be the one being stolen from rather than doing the stealing, but... Nevertheless, I find it somewhat romantic.” Seeing Iris say that, her eyes aglow, I felt envious enough of this mysterious honourable thief to want to catch him. ...Catch the honourable thief? “...THAT’S IIIIIIIIT!” 10 “Darkness! Darkneeeeess! ...Ah, perfect, Claire’s here too!” “Y-You’re back again... I told you to leave me alone, I’m busy.” “C-Can I help you, Kazuma-dono...?” I rushed over to Darkness and Claire, who stared at me with troubled expressions after I had interrupted their conversation. “Oi, I just heard about this! There’s big trouble in the capital!” At my sudden remark they both tilted their heads at the same time. “Well, yes, I would say so. If His Majesty hears that his daughter has been corrupted by an adventurer who makes her call him onii-sama, I wouldn’t be surprised if they come for your head.” “Right you are, Dustiness-kyou. You should know I do not intend to hide what you have done from His Majesty once he returns from the front line. He will know of everything that took place in this palace.” “Hey that isn’t what happened! I just offered to play with a lonely little girl while her parents were away is all! But forget about that!!” I tried to make sure none of the other nobles heard me. “The trouble I’m talking about is the honourable thief operating in the city! I heard all about it! About how he breaks into nobles’ houses in the city!” “Y-Yes, I have heard he only targets the more dishonest nobles...” “What of it, Kazuma-dono?” As the two great nobles stood perplexed, I pointed my thumb firmly at my chest. “For the safety of the people, I am going to catch this so-called honourable thief.” “Huh?” x2 Darkness and Claire looked at me blankly. At the same time, the nobles around us began to get noisy. “Both the knights and the town guard have been searching for that thief and they have not found as much as a clue. And he means to capture him?” “Say, who is that man who has been wandering about the hall? I had been meaning to ask since I saw him.” “Shh! I hear that plain chap is Dustiness-kyou’s companion...” “Him!? That lower-class fellow hardly looks fit to even be an adventurer!” “Is he not the NEET who has been Iris-sama’s playmate? The one who sleeps all day? I saw him in the courtyard just the day before, having the maids tend to him.” I can hear you, gents.

65 Still, I ignored the whispers and: “Hey, I’m in a close relationship with Darkness, a noble, remember? To me, this honourable thief guy who steals from the nobility is my enemy, regardless of how popular he is. You never know; he might come after Darkness’ house next.” “O-Oi! My family hasn’t done anything questionable enough to be targeted by the honourable thief!” As Darkness retorted sincerely, I clenched my fists and addressed her: “Listen, Darkness, we’ve defeated generals of the Demon King’s army, we can take care of this too. We even saved Axel, Arkanlaetia and the Crimson Magic village from their crises! Being here in the royal capital must be some kind of sign. Honourable or not, a thief is a thief. We can’t just ignore this!” “I suppose... But your sense of justice has never worked, so how come you’re so concerned about this? Just what are you scheming?” Darkness threw me a suspicious gaze, unconvinced. “You know, I was just thinking if I manage to catch this honourable thief they might just let me live in the palace...” “Y-You are such a...” Claire looked indignant and was about to say something, when; “Wonderful!” One of the nobles began to applaud me. The others began to follow, one by one... “As expected of Dustiness-sama’s companion! Aah, I myself have never been the target of the honourable thief, of course.” “That is fitting of a man who has faced against generals of the Demon King’s army. He should have no trouble stopping that scoundrel.” “While I personally have nothing to fear, I would love to see that thief brought to justice! Indeed, even though he has no reason to target me.” You guys really are easy to read. ...But this is good. By saying I want to catch the thief, I have an excuse to remain in the palace. If I actually catch him, they’ll welcome me to stay with open arms, and probably even give me a reward. And even if I don’t, I can drag the search on longer, staying with Iris the whole time. Iris was behind me, her eyes shining hopefully. I get it, you want to see your beloved onii-sama do a good job! Well you can count on me! After I just lounge around the palace for a while, I’m sure I’ll catch him eventually! Seeing me like that, Claire seemed lost in thought for a moment, before giving a nod and clapping her hands together. “I understand. Well then, Kazuma-dono, you shall lodge at the houses of nobles you think will be targeted. And, if you truly succeed in seizing the thief, I will consider approving your stay at the palace. ...Esteemed ladies, gentlemen, let us all offer our support to Kazuma-dono!”

...Eh?

66 Chapter 3: Divine Retribution upon this Handsome Thief!

1 That didn’t go according to plan. I thought I could make the search drag on and stay at the palace for the entire time. The morning after. “Honestly, Kazuma, would it kill you to not stick your nose into these stupid things for once? You even got us dragged into it. I might as well help now that it’s come to this, but I don’t want to hear any more complaints about me. I swear, Kazuma, you are just- ugh!” “Exactly! Now you have lost all right to call us problem causing troublemakers! But still, we are comrades, so we will not abandon you!” The two who spent all of yesterday evening eating and drinking said to me, with smug faces. I didn’t ask for their help with capturing the thief, but once I explained the situation to them, they took it as their cue to act like they were doing me a favour by condescendingly offering their support. Since the job was to catch the honourable thief, I honestly didn’t need their help, but they seemed unusually motivated so I decided to allow it. And now, we had arrived at the honourable thief’s next most likely target; the most crooked noble’s residence.

“—So, you’ve decided to come to me, have you?”

Namely, the holiday home of Aldarp, corrupt lord of Axel. The thief only goes after nobles with bad conduct. Thus, I came here thinking a guy like him, around whom foul rumours seem to have a habit of gathering, would be a likely target. Accompanied by his guards, Aldarp came to greet us, making no effort to hide his discontent or to pretend he wasn’t keeping his frenzied, perverse gaze on Darkness’ body. I’ll admit Lewdness has a lewd body, and after having my own eyes glued to her whenever she gets out of the bath, I could understand the sentiment. Still, staring at someone’s body so boldly is a bit much. Anxious of my stare, Aldarp turned a quick glance our way. His eyes first stopped on me, giving me a cold glare. He then looked at Aqua blankly. His line of sight stopped on her. Aqua gave a quiet whimper and hid behind me.

67 “...Hm. ...Hm! My, my, such beauty, as I expected of Darkness-sama’s company! If I had to compare it... Yes! You are as beautiful as a... goddess!” “I’m not like a goddess, I am a Goddess! I really am!” Aqua protested, peeking only her head out from behind my back. “Haha, not only gorgeous but also with a sharp sense of humour!” “You’re asking for divine punishment, you!” Aqua shouted, but Aldarp probably took that as a joke as well. He then turned his gaze towards Megumin... “Hm, well now-” Just as he was about to say something; The guard next to him whispered something in the lord’s ear. I couldn’t hear clearly from that distance, but... “...-sama... would mind... your words... she is the crazy...” “...She...! That dangerous... lunatic...!” The lord’s face suddenly turned pale in the middle of his hushed conversation. “Oi, why don’t you tell me just why you avoid my gaze? Depending on your answer, I may have to prove just how much of what that man just told you is true.” “N-No, it is just... Ooh, you have quite a... lovable charm...” “Uh-huh. Keep going.” As Aldarp got himself entangled in Megumin’s web, he looked towards me as if asking for help. “...Oi, those are rather few words of praise for someone who has regularly defended the town of Axel. Perhaps I could convince you of my worth by demonstrating my deadly Explosion Magic, if you would please lend me your garden.” “No, no, I am quite convinced of how wonderful you are!” ...I wish this could go on for longer. “S-Still, Dustiness-sama, you mean to imply that I would be the kind of unscrupulous lord who would be targeted by the honourable thief? And I wouldn’t have thought you would be willing to stay in my humble home, yet you do not seem reluctant. Ah, it is regrettable that even one such as Dustiness-sama would lend ear to silly rumours and come to doubt me. Though, if you believe me a man who would be targeted by the honourable thief, you are welcome to stay for as long as you wish,” Aldarp said sarcastically with a smirk, in order to get off the topic. “I would not say we doubt you... This is merely a part of the search...” As Darkness made her flustered excuses, I slipped past her and walked inside. “Are you going to spend all day asking for permission!? I got dibs on the biggest guest room!” “No fair, Kazuma! We all have to decide that together! I want the room closest to the dining table!” “I shall have the highest room in the mansion! Even a loft will serve me well!”

68 As we made our way inside the villa one by one, Darkness muttered by herself in embarrassment: “...Please excuse us for the trouble...” “N-No, not at all... Uh, you seem to have your hands full yourself, Dustiness-sama...” Aldarp also muttered, with some compassion.

—The famed honourable thief apparently works alone. His MO is said to be breaking into particularly disreputable nobles’ homes, stealing their wealth and distributing it to orphanages. Also, from the few eyewitness accounts he allowed himself, he is apparently quite handsome. With a weary expression, Darkness muttered: “The honourable thief is a criminal, so I will not praise what he does. Still... If I’m honest, I am loath to try and capture him...” In Aldarp’s villa. After I made sure to secure the best room for myself, we all gathered there to try and work out a plan to catch the honourable thief. “Stealing is a stealing. If there’s one thing I hate, it’s ikemen who make up nice excuses for themselves like sticking up for the underdog or helping the masses,” I said bluntly, making Darkness and Megumin look at me awkwardly. “...You know, I wouldn’t say you are that unattractive. I’ve thought this before, but do you have some kind of complex about the word ikemen? If there’s something bothering you, you can talk to me.” “I think Kazuma is quite handsome. You really should not put yourself down so much.” “S-Stop that, why are you being nice all of a sudden? You’re making me feel shallow, so stop it. ...And what’s with you, Aqua? What’s with that serious face?” Aqua alone gave me a gentle smile. “O, my lost shut-in. Condemn not thyself for thy inadequacy... If thou cannot work hard, the fault lies with the world. If thy personality is unappealing, the fault lies with the environment. If thou art unattractive, the fault lies with thy genes. Find fault not with thyself, but with all others around you...” “Oh fuck off, I’m not that self-deprecating! My looks aside, at least my personality is... Oi, cut that out, why are you looking at me with those bitter smiles!? Besides, my looks are a decent average too! St-... Oi, stop that, stop trying to console me!” I shoved the unusually sympathetic girls away and decided to start working on the plan to catch the honourable thief. They say he does his thieving from late at night until daybreak. I’ve been through my fair share of mayhem ever since I came to this world, and my gut tells me this mansion is going to be his next score. I get the feeling we’ll be living here for a long time.

69 2 —The day after we decided to stay in the mansion. I had left my room and was wandering around the building. In order to scope out ways the honourable thief might get in, and potential targets. Putting myself in the thief’s shoes, I started scouting outside the mansion. Oh, the window to the kitchen on the first floor is looking a bit worse for wear. Maybe Aldarp was too cheap to shill out for proper repairs, but someone had done a half-assed job putting the broken window frame back together with some nails. Yeah, if it were me, this is how I’d get in. I went back inside and into the kitchen, trying to think like a thief who had just broken in. If I had broken in, it would have to be at night. That would mean the halls would be pitch black. The night vision granting skill Farsight could only be learned by Archers and Adventurers. That means the thief would have no choice but to slowly advance by following the walls... I made my way along the wall, running the simulation in my head, and arrived in front of a tiny room. It doesn’t seem like there’d be anything valuable inside, but as a thief, I’d give it a more thorough search. As I thought that, I opened the door... “Hm? Oh, it’s you. What do you want? There’s nothing here. Don’t just ramble through my mansion without a reason.” For some reason, Aldarp was there. Just like he said, there wasn’t much in that room, aside from a massive mirror on one of the walls. But what’s this old guy doing in here? As I asked myself, I noticed that Aldarp was carrying a bucket and a towel, so he was probably cleaning. Cleaning, even though he has servants...? As I stood there puzzled, I saw a figure reflected in the big mirror on the wall. It was... “Huh? What’s with this mirror? Some kind of magic tool? Like a Magic Mirror or something?” Reflected in the mirror was one of the mansion’s maids. She was in the bathroom next door, so the maid was probably there to clean the bath. Even though I was looking at the maid, she didn’t seem to notice me. ...Oi. “Here to give the mirror a polish, are you, old man?” At my question, Aldarp looked away awkwardly and muttered: “...W-Want to watch with me...?”

70 “Yeah I can’t say I can take you up on that offer. God, did you get this mirror just because you knew Darkness would be staying here? As a man, I understand how you feel, but... I feel bad for you, so I’m not going to tell my comrades about this place. But in exchange, you have to not use this room while we’re staying here. And I’ll be sleeping here, just to make sure. All right, clear off now,” I said, shooing him with my hands. Aldarp hung his shoulders dejectedly and went to leave... But then suddenly stopped. “Wait. If you want to stay in this room...” “All right, hold it right there, no dirty accusations! I’m not like you! I’m only staying here to protect my comrades!” “Then you wouldn’t have to stay here, just keep an eye on me while your comrades are in the bath! Yes, you get out too! I won’t let some little punk like you get an eyeful of Lalatina’s naked body!” “Well that’s a shame, because I’ve already been in the bath with Darkness before! And besides, I can’t waste my precious time keeping watch on some old man! Do you want Darkness or even your maids to find out about this room!? This is a win- win scenario for both of us, so be a good boy and keep your mouth shut unless you want to get every woman in this house on your bad side!” “Tell the damn maids for all I care! For the fortune I pay them, being sexually harassed is part of the job! And they’re quite the amazing sight when they strip down, you know? Interested? ...What do you say you make a deal with me, boy? I can tell that we’re birds of a feather. If we men work together, it’ll be better for both of us.” “...A-Are they really that amazing?” “Oh yes, you have no idea.” ...... Without saying a word, I reached out my hand, and Aldarp was about to shake it... “Interesting. Perhaps you should enlighten us about what is so amazing as well.” At that very moment, a familiar voice came from the door, and I immediately withdrew my hand. Without even looking at who it was, both Aldarp and I pointed at each other. “He was going to peep...!” x2

The Magic Mirror was broken.

—It’s been three days since I started staying at this mansion on watch. The thief has not made his appearance, and the days went by as peacefully as they did in Axel. Taking advantage of being in the royal capital, Aqua and Darkness are always going out, so I hardly ever see them around the house. Aqua’s routine is to go on missionary work, that is to say, hunting down and harassing members of the church of Eris, who were influential in the capital. As for Darkness, she is constantly being invited by aristocrats to their palaces, and working to strengthen her connections with the nobility.

71 And throughout all this, I— “Oh, Kazuma, good morning. Even though it is already past noon.” Having woken up, I showed up in the dining room, where Megumin was having lunch. “Hey, I’m staying up late into the night looking out for the thief. It’s not like I’m just slacking off, you know. ...And you always stayed up late while I was gone, didn’t you?” “!? W-Why, I suppose I did stay up late, yes! But I still managed to wake up early! Anyway, do you suppose that thief is going to show up!?” Megumin said, unusually flustered, speaking into a piece of bread with a bite taken out of it. Is this a romcom now? “What are you so flustered for? Were you actually that worried about me, like Darkness said? So you do have a cute side too,” I said, with a mocking sneer, but Megumin blushed slightly. “...W-Well, I was worried. Even though you are such a weakling you still have a habit of always getting into trouble, after all. And you are not like the protagonist of some story who always gets miraculously saved whenever he is in danger. You just die.” “W-Well it’s not like I enjoy getting into trouble or that I die because I want to, you know! Oi, stop that, if you suddenly start sensibly lecturing me I won’t know how to react!” I said, flustered by her unexpected counter-attack, but Megumin snickered. “You sure put yourself in harm’s way for me at the village, though. I would say you are the one with the hidden cute side, Kazuma,” she said, making us even on the mocking sneers. Damn it, this kid isn’t supposed to have any romantic experience either. How come she manages to lead my around by the nose like this? That reminds me, what kind of relationship are we in now? What did she mean when she said she ‘liked’ me? If that meant she like likes me and I say I like her too, she might say ‘No, I only meant I like you as a friend...’ In the manga and light novels all over Japan, this kind of sluggish development would annoy me. ‘It’s obvious they like each other, just go out already!’ I’d say. But, it’s hard to act that out when you’re actually living it. I’m scared of ruining the nice relationship we have going on right now, so I’m hesitant to make that leap. I mean, do I even like this kid in the first place? A teenage boy is a simple creature. Just by showing them you’re willing to hold their hand you get on their mind and make them fall in love. As I was anguishing over it, Megumin finished her meal. “Kazuma. After breakfast, would you like to go on a date with me?” she said as if it was nothing, smiling at me.

72 —Through the mountainous crags that neighboured the royal capital, Megumin’s voice echoed.

“«Explooooosion»!!”

I knew this is what she meant! Invited on a ‘date’ by Megumin, I was taken outside the royal capital to a place where she could cast her explosion magic. “Did you see that one!? The destructive power, the range! I nailed it again today! Nailed it!” “Yeah, yeah, explosion magic is just fantastic. Come on, it’s hard enough to carry you without you squirming around!” “Still, to see a mountain being shattered right before my eyes...!” Megumin’s passion for explosion magic had only gotten more fervent ever since we got back from the Crimson Magic village. After I dumped all her saved-up skill points into empowering the explosion spell even more, the power of this loli’s magic is now great enough to cause a major catastrophe. The people of Axel had already grown to accept the roar of the daily explosion as little more than background noise, and nobody was bothered by it anymore. But that is not the case here, and Aldarp was bound to receive a flood of complaints. Actually, even though she’s only been in the capital for a few days, Megumin’s name was already making rounds around town. Ever since I messed with her adventurer card in the Crimson Magic village, it seemed like all of her pent-up worries disappeared and all of her restraint along with them. Why the hell did I do that back then? As I carried Megumin on my back, I let out a sigh and muttered: “Maybe it would’ve been better to make you learn advanced magic after all...” “You just said something I cannot overlook, didn’t you!? And I was so moved by what you did and said back then!” With Megumin whining and thrashing around on my back, I returned to Aldarp’s mansion.

—We’ve been staying at this mansion for a week now. As always, no sign of the thief. “Hey! Are you making light of the Goddess of water!? You can’t fool me when it comes to booze! You keep some high quality stuff in the office, don’t you!? Go and bring it to me right now!” Aqua has been sucking up every drop of liquor in Aldarp’s possession. “...And that is when my explosion magic burst forth! And the wretched Hans, general of the Demon King’s forces, lay scattered to the wind! Next, I will tell you about the battle against general of the Demon King Silvia, in which my invaluable...” Megumin has been spending most days bragging about her heroic deeds to both the servants and Aldarp himself whenever she got a hold of them.

73 And— “Maid-saaan, oh maid-saaan! I’d like my usual massage now please! Ah, and I’m thinking of having white beef sukiyaki for dinner tonight. Oh, and the king-sized bed and extra soft blankets I ordered should be here soon, so please have them sent to my room!” As for me, I completely made myself at home. Recently we’ve all taken to gathering in the parlour and spend the whole day lazing around. Even if I can’t go back to the palace, imposing on our host here might be just as nice. ...Staring at us with a dumbfounded expression, Aldarp, who had lost a bit of weight recently, grumbled tiredly: “Dustiness-sama...” Hearing him, Darkness, who was sitting reticently in a corner of the room, had a shiver run through her. “Er, I know I did say you are welcome to stay for as long as you wish, but...” “Please, you don’t have to say any more! We will leave right away!” With tears in her eyes and an embarrassed expression, Darkness bowed her head. 3 —In the dead of night. “Man... And I was sure he was going to come after this house...” That is when undead and NEETs are at their most active. Not being very tired after having gotten plenty of sleep during the daytime, I was hungry and heading for the kitchen. Still, this sucks. If even Aldarp, whom you never hear a good word about, doesn’t get targeted, what does that mean? What about my plan to arrest the honourable thief and use the prestige to be let back into the palace... We were made to leave this place tomorrow, so there goes the stakeout. Did he realise we were waiting for him? And what about my luck that’s supposedly so good? Maybe I upset Eris-sama by always teasing her devout follower Darkness all the time. I bet that’s it. And how lucky is that thief...? Then, as I got to the kitchen, I noticed there was another customer in line. I can sense a presence, but the lights are off. Which must mean, the only person who could be here at this hour is—

...The only one besides me who can see in the dark, and shares my nocturnal lifestyle, Aqua. She must be here to looking for drinking snacks or something.

74 I was about to call out to her, when... “Not a single guard. Maybe I was overthinking this? To think I’ve been avoiding this place just because of a hunch...” I heard a very quiet monologue coming from the darkened room. Looks like I hit the jackpot on the very last day before leaving. Goddess of fortune Eris-sama, you have my thanks! “...? I think I just felt something...” Oops, got to be careful. I’m up against the honourable thief, his class must be Thief. He might be using the Sense Enemy skill to probe around for my presence. I activated my Conceal skill on instinct, and counting on it, I pressed myself against a wall and stood completely still. “Maybe it was just my imagination...?” the intruder muttered softly, before starting to creep through the darkness. He was groping his way around with his hands, meaning he didn’t have anything like the Farsight skill to see in the dark with after all. I went behind the intruder, and as I began to close the distance I noticed something. “All right, ‘Sense Treasure’... Hmm, so this way is...” This awfully talkative intruder is— “Caught yoooouuuuuu!” “!?” I reached out to grab the intruder, and my hands felt something soft. Yes, the thief is a woman. “—All right, no use struggling now! Fuhahahaha, you’ve been a slippery one but your luck’s ran out now, thief! I don’t know about those other idiots, but did you really think you could slip past someone who’s fought against generals of the Demon King!?” “Let go! Hey- Wai-!? Wait, that voice, are you...!?” ...? Huh, that’s funny. I think I’ve heard this thief’s voice before too. “Is that you, Kazuma-kun!? Actually, jus- you know, you’ve grabbed me somewhere kind of crazy!” “No, this is just how you tackle an intruder... Wait, are you...” I couldn’t make out her face with my night vision, but from the shape of her body, I realised. “It’s me! Darkness’ friend, the one who taught you the skills...!” The intruder was Chris, with a cloth over her mouth.

75 4 Reluctantly, I let go of Chris. I lit the lighter I got from Wiz’s shop, and under the faint light from the flame, I saw her with tears in her eyes, hugging her own body. “Uu... Uu... You fondled me all over... Now I can’t marry anymore...” “What do you expect, I thought you were a thief. I don’t have any good skills for capturing someone. I was sure the law would be on my side.” “I’ll teach you a useful skill called Bind later...” I gave the sobbing Chris another look. She was wearing a pair of black spats and a black shirt, and even covering her face with a black cloth. From that getup and the fact that she broke in, clearly... “So you’re the honourable thief.” “That’s right. Wait, what are you even doing here?” I gave her a brief summary of the situation, and Chris’ face stiffened up. “D-Darkness is here!? Crap, crap! If she finds out about what I’m doing she’ll be so mad at me!” “Well of course she will. Honourable or not, what you’re doing is still a crime, you know? Though, this is Darkness we’re talking about. If you just apologise nicely I’m sure she’ll at least let you live. A crime is a crime, and you need to face the consequences.” “Wait! You’ve got it all wrong! I have a reason for doing this!” Chris said, in a panic, but I have my own circumstances. Right now, I want credibility. And I don’t think Darkness would be so quick let a friend get executed. Though, considering she stole money that nobles got illicitly themselves, I doubt they’d be very willing to settle things in a public court of law. That could be useful for pressing them to settle things under the table. As I was thinking that, I heard the sound of someone rushing this way through the dark. I guess we did cause a bit of a ruckus. Then, Chris, who was sitting on the floor, seemed to resign herself and lifted her face. “Fine, I’ll tell you the truth. And if I tell Darkness, I’m sure she’ll understand. She’ll probably even help me!” Seeing her eyes filled with determination, I got a strange feeling. Yes, the way this usually plays out is— “The truth is, I have a good reason for burgling nobles’ houses. And that is...”

I’ll get dragged into some annoying bullshit again, as always!

“Hold it, stop, don’t want to hear it! And don’t tell Darkness either!” As I rushed to stop her, Chris tilted her head in confusion.

76 Having Darkness hear about it would also be a problem. With how stubborn she is, there’s no way she’d just ignore something big going on if she found out about it. I do want to earn prestige right now, but keeping things safe and low-risk comes first. After having been dragged into other people’s problems time and time again, my instinct told me she was definitely going to say something crazy. “Eh? B-But...” “No butts! Just get out of here before someone shows up! You’re free, go!” I said as I pushed Chris towards the kitchen. “U-Um, but, uh... You know, I wanted to ask you to help me with something...” “I don’t want to know, I don’t want to know! Listen, just think about it, will you!? You’re in the house of a notorious pervert of a lord! I don’t want to imagine what he’d do if he caught you...” “I-I’ll pull out for now! But I’ll be back to tell you about it later!” “You don’t have to, really! Ah, and cast Bind on me! I’ll be able to say the thief got away!” “O-Okay! Here goes! «Bind»!” Chris gave a shout, and the rope in her hands wound around my body. She then leapt out the kitchen window and disappeared into the night.

“—Kazuma, are you okay!?”

The first one to rush in was Darkness, holding a lantern. Aqua and Megumin followed after her. “Oh my...! Kazuma, did he cast Bind on you!? What happened to the thief!?” “Damn it all, I was so close! He got away! I can’t believe I let this happen...!” I lied, covered in ropes. “So he got away... Well, it couldn’t be helped. This is the same thief who ransacked countless well-guarded homes of nobles. Are you hurt at all? What did the thief look like?” Darkness crouched down next to me and tried her best to undo my binds, but because it was a skill, it was hopeless. “It was a man with a really unnerving mask. He was incredibly skilled. I don’t think even a general of the Demon King could be a match for him.” “H-He was that dangerous!?” Megumin raised her voice in shock. Then, the as of yet quiet Aqua shuffled towards me. “...By the way, Kazuma. If you’re tied up like a worm, then you can’t move, right?” she asked, as she leaned over me. “Obviously. I was this close to catching him, but he caught me with the Bind. Right, can’t you undo this with your magic? You have all kinds of barrier cancelling stuff, don’t you?” “Who do you take me for? Of course I can do it, no problem,” Aqua said, smiling. “That’s Aqua for you! Always comes through when it counts! Then would you please hurry up and free me, it sucks being stuck like this.”

77 With somewhat of a bad feeling, I asked Aqua to undo my binds more nicely than I normally would. “You know, Kazuma, I know this is late, but I want to apologise to you about something.” “...Okay, what is it?” I have a really bad feeling about this. “So, um. You know how you were at that palace and didn’t come back for a really long time? Well, I was bored so I kind of ransacked your room a bit. And, uh, I just touched that figure-like thing you made, and it kind of, um, broke.” What the hell is she doing to my merchandise? I’ve got half a mind to smack her once I’m free. But right now I’m at somewhat of a disadvantage, so I’ll refrain. “O-Oh, that’s fine, don’t worry about it. I can always make another one. As long as you apologise, I forgive you. Now how about you undo these...” “You forgive me? Well I’ve got others so let me just go through them all right now! You know, back then I thought ‘Well, it’s not like he’s using this place anyway’, right, so I started drinking in your room. Cleaning up all the empty bottles and snacks from your own room after you’re done drinking is such a pain, you know? So, I got kind of drunk one time, and I ended up breaking a lot of other stuff.” With only her expression looking apologetic, Aqua tilted her head slightly.

78 79 “Soooorry!” I want to stomp her. From how she’s apologising while I’m immobilised, she is definitely enjoying this. But if I lash out now while I’m stuck, there’s no telling what she’d do. “T-That’s fine, we’re friends, aren’t we? If anything, it’s my fault for not coming home! Now come on, let’s make with the unfastening...” Then, Darkness and Megumin stepped in front of Aqua. “Hmm. I only just realised...!” “This seems like quite a fun situation!” Being lit by the lantern dangling below, their faces contorted into wicked smirks.

—Hearing the noise coming from the kitchen, Aldarp rushed in with his guards. “What the hell is going on here!? Did the thief break in... W-What is going on here!?” Then, when he saw me, he stopped as quickly as he entered. Seeing him, I shrieked: “Help meeee!” Darkness seemed very pleased as she looked down on me. “No, not ‘Help meeee’! Go on, say it! Say you’re sorry for getting so carried away these past weeks! Say you’re sorry for causing nothing but trouble for me! Say you’re sorry for bringing shame upon me!!” “I’m sorry! I’m sorry for causing trouble! I’m sorry for bringing shame!!” “Now please let us hear that line from you one more time, Kazuma! You know, that cool one from before! How many points? How many points was my explosion magic?” “Please no! That line doesn’t work if you say it more than once! I’m embarrassed to say it again!” “Now, now, please, let us hear it! Come on, come on, no shame, just say it!” “Fuhahahaha, it’s nice to be on this side for once! Now then, next up...!” I looked towards that man I hated, and cried out for help. “ALDARP-SAMAAAAAAAAAA!!” 5 —The next morning. We had come to the palace, in order to report on what happened the other day. We were in the deepest part of the palace, the audience hall. “I see. So for all your arrogant boasting, you failed to apprehend the thief.” Claire threw her vitriolic words at me. On the throne at the back of the audience hall sat Iris, in place of the king who was out on campaign. Without telling them an adventurer we knew was the honourable thief, I gave them a made-up description of the criminal. I told them it was a skilful, masked phantom thief.

80 “No, I wouldn’t call it a complete failure! If not for me, he would’ve made off with old man Aldarp’s treasure by now!” Hearing that, the nobles all round began chattering. From their hushed words, I could make out many of them saying I wasn’t that great after all. “...Hmpf. Very well, then. Those are the words of Kazuma-dono, the one who has trifled with generals of the Demon King. I see no reason to use the lie-detecting magic tool in this instance. Yes, this honourable thief must have been an intrepid foe indeed.” That bitch doesn’t believe a word I’m saying. Hearing Claire’s mocking words, behind me, I could feel Megumin’s mood change. As Darkness quickly tried to stop Megumin from doing whatever she was about to, Iris stood off the throne. “Er... You have done a great service! It is not that you have failed to apprehend the honourable thief, but rather you have successfully thwarted his robbery, and let no one condemn you for your efforts!” she said, blushing and clenching her fists... As I felt slightly moved by Iris’ words, Claire put on a loathsome expression. “Thus proclaims the generous Princess Iris. By all rights, you would be punished for acting a braggart in front of the kingdom’s nobility only to fail in your duty, so you should be grateful for Iris-sama’s benevolence and leniency. ...Now that you have failed in your attempt to apprehend the thief, there is no purpose for your staying in this palace any longer. Be off!”

—As I left the audience hall into the palace, the attitudes of the handsome nobles and servants towards me all turned cold. The must think I’ve failed too. It became obvious to them I’m not the big deal I claimed to be. “Well, don’t let it get you down. You did a good job. Just like Iris-sama said, you managed to prevent a robbery. But let’s go home now, okay? If we go back to town, I won’t nag you about working for a while. And you still have a fortune to get from that Vanir, remember? Let’s take some time off.” “Surely you have had your fill by now, Kazuma? Let us return to Axel. Why would you want to laze around in that palace when you can do just the same at home?” Darkness and Megumin said, trying to comfort me. ...It’s not like I was that hung up on living like a NEET in that palace. But Iris, who was only 12 years old but still put up with everything, and never acted selfishly; She’d be all alone in that huge palace. That weighed on my conscience. ...But, considering the difference in status, would I even be able to do anything for her even if I stayed in the royal capital? It pains me, but I can’t think of anything right now.

81 I turned round to face the towering palace and let out a sigh, my own powerlessness having been made clear to me. “...I guess I’ll go back...” Hearing that, Darkness and Megumin looked relieved. ...Were they thinking we’d get dragged into something else if we stayed here? “Hey Kazuma, if we’re leaving can we do it tomorrow? I want to buy some souvenirs, you know? There’s so much good booze in the royal capital. It’s not like we have anything to do back home, right? Let’s all go shopping,” Aqua suddenly said, as incapable of reading the mood as ever. 6 “The booze in the royal capital wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. Michael-san’s place in Axel has better stuff than what they have here.” “Who the hell is Michael-san? You’re getting to know a lot of people around town, aren’t you? There was one time a butcher came over to the mansion to leave some high quality meat as thanks for healing his wound.” In the end, I was the only one who caved to Aqua’s selfish request and went shopping around the royal capital with her. Darkness and Megumin went to look for an inn to spend the night at. This insensitive idiot could stand to learn a thing or two about being considerate from Iris. “Hey, that’s news to me. I don’t remember ever seeing any of that meat.” “You and Megumin were out at the time. Darkness and I hadn’t had lunch yet so I had her cook it and the two of us ate it.” My hands locked with Aqua’s as she charged me. “Oh? Fancy seeing you here, Aqua-sama!” someone suddenly called from behind us. It was the Sword Master with the enchanted sword. It’s been a while since we’ve seen this weirdo... This guy came from Japan just like me. I think his name was Matsurugi if I recall correctly. Normally he wouldn’t be seen without at least two of his groupies, but now he was by himself. Somewhat puzzled, Aqua; “...W-Who are you?” Had completely forgotten about him, despite being the one who brought him here. Hearing that, Matsurugi burst out laughing. “You are a kidder as always, Aqua-sama.” Nevertheless, Aqua partially hid behind me and: “Hey Kazuma, who is this guy? He’s being really familiar...” she asked me, in a hushed tone.

82 “U-Um, it’s me, remember? The one chosen to save this world, whom you entrusted with the enchanted sword. I’m the Sword Master...” “It’s Katsuragi-san. We’ve met him before, remember?” “Wh-Who’s that supposed to be!? It’s Mitsurugi! Please at least try to remember my name if nothing else!” Mitsurugi shouted, a vein popping on his forehead. Even after being told, it still didn’t seem to quite click for Aqua. She should have at least remembered his face from the time we fought the Destroyer. “Mitsurugi not ringing any bells, huh? Magic sword guy, remember?” Aqua plopped her fist in her palm, finally remembering. Even Mitsurugi finally seemed to realise it wasn’t a joke, and she had actually forgotten about him. “...O-Oi, Satou Kazuma... Did you really remember my name wrong? Why don’t you call me by first name to be sure?” “I don’t think we’re that close yet.” “It’s Kyouya! If you don’t remember it, just say so! I’m Mitsurugi Kyouya, please try to remember it!” Mitsurugi raised his voice, putting his hands to his temples and shaking his head. After finally calming down, he let out a sigh. “...Honestly, it seems the two of us still have a score to settle. I have improved my skills since last time as well. I will not allow myself to be humiliated again! Now then, let’s-” “What the hell are you talking about? The score is perfectly settled; I won. And I’m not open to rematches. Just accept the fact that I beat you when I was just a newbie adventurer and get on with your life.” “...You are...” Mitsurugi seemed disheartened, but there was no way for me to win in a straight fight against an advanced level class wielding an enchanted sword. Then, letting out a sigh: “...All right, then. In any case, I’m glad I ran into you here. There is something I want to talk to you about,” Mitsurugi said, suddenly putting on a serious face.

—Aqua and I sat opposite of Mitsurugi at a table in a cafe downtown. After ordering ‘the usual’, Mitsurugi leaned in slightly and rested his clasped hands on the table. “Now then, where were we? ...Actually, there is something I’d like to give to Aqua- sama.” As he spoke, Mitsurugi took something out. It was a small box, covered in cutesy pink wrapping. ...Oh?

83 Mitsurugi slid the box over to Aqua, who was busily crafting something out of folded-up napkins. “Aqua-sama. Whenever I see you, you are clad in all manner of accessories, no? Though you are so very beautiful even without them... If it would please you, please accept this...” He said the kind of line that would make your tear your hair out at how fake and cheesy it was. This guy must’ve been a serious chad even in Japan. “...? What? I can have this?” “Yes, by all means. It’s really nothing special, so I don’t know if it will be to your liking...” Mitsurugi said, putting on a gallant, boyish smile. Ikemen through and through. Makes me sick. “So what happened to your usual groupies? You sure you can afford to be hitting on girls out here?” “They are not ‘groupies’, they are my treasured comrades! They are currently working on raising their levels in the neighbouring country. I would have joined them, but for whatever reason it seems whenever I am around, I end up slaying most of the enemies myself. So now I am staying here in order to repulse the occasional attack by the Demon King’s forces.” Ignoring our conversation, Aqua opened the box and took out a small ring from within. That ring did not look cheap at all. Quite the opposite, actually. Acting humble by passing it off as some cheap thing, he came out with a seriously showy trinket. Still, did he know what size to get for Aqua’s finger? And as I thought that; “...? It’s too small, though.” Aqua tried to put it on her finger, and immediately found it too small to fit. Seeing that, Mitsurugi put on a wry smile and said: “It is a magic ring. You can adjust the size by...” Before he could finish; “Kazuma, Kazuma, look, look~!” Aqua covered the ring with a napkin a she spoke. “Ta-daaa!” she announced as she pulled the napkin away. When the napkin came off, the ring had vanished into thin air. “...Cool. That’s great and all, but where did the ring go?” I asked, and Aqua replied: “...? It’s not like I can tell you where it went. It didn’t go anywhere, it vanished.” “Eh-” Mitsurugi exclaimed, dumbfounded. ...I feel just a little bit bad for him. “Well it was cheap and it didn’t even fit, but I could at least use it for a trick. Thanks,” Aqua said, with a carefree, innocent smile, leaving Mitsurugi at a loss for words. “N-Not at all...! I am happy to have been able to help Aqua-sama perform one of her tricks,” Mitsurugi said, letting out a dry laugh. ...Poor guy.

84 —As if nothing happened, Aqua hummed as he went back to making something out of folded napkins. After looking at her with longing eyes, Mitsurugi turned his gaze to me. “Now then, let us get to business. This is something that concerns you as well.” This is the gist of what Mitsurugi told me. Apparently, the reason the general of the Demon King Veldia was sent to Axel in the first place was because the diviner at the Demon King’s castle had foreseen that a great light would fall upon that land. Obviously somewhat sceptical, the Demon King nevertheless had Veldia sent over. But Veldia was slain there, and the next one to be sent, Vanir, went missing. Even Silvia, who was sent to subdue the Crimson Magic village, was defeated recently. There is a rumour going around the Demon King’s minions that a certain party of adventurers was involved in each of those incidents. Now the Demon King’s attention is very much turned towards those adventurers. The town of Axel, in which that party is based, is at risk of facing an attack, and it wouldn’t be out of the question for someone else to be sent there too. ...That party is definitely us, isn’t it? “Still, a great light descending upon Axel...” My eyes unwittingly turned to Aqua, who was still working on something next to me. Mitsurugi’s line of sight was also drawn to her. “...I believe that was Aqua-sama. At first I had believed the light that drew the Demon King’s concern might have been me. ...P-Please don’t look at me like that...” Noticing my gaze which said nothing if not ‘Uwaah, look at this self-important prick getting the wrong idea’, Mitsurugi grimaced. Then, turning to him: “And done. Here, you can have this as thanks for the ring. It’s called The Combining Transformer Eris-sama. It has a detachable breastplate and three forms it can transform into.” Spouting that nonsense, Aqua handed him the folded napkins. Mitsurugi accepted, straining to put on a smile. “Haha, thank you very much, Aqua-sama. I will take good care of...” Laughing, he turned to look at the napkins in his hand. Casually, I also took a look. “Whoa-!?” x2 The perfect likeness of Eris-sama made out of napkins long transcended what could be called origami and could easily be considered fine art. “...Oi Aqua, make me one of these too.” “No way, I won’t make the same thing twice. I could make you a Mobile Suit Winter Shogun if you want, though.” “A-All right, one of those then, please.” At my request, Aqua quietly began folding napkins again.

85 Seeing that, Mitsurugi laughed and stood up. “Satou Kazuma. Please watch over Aqua-sama for a while longer, until I become stronger. ...Well, my Goddess, I must take my leave now. I promise to treasure this origami.” Hearing that, Aqua raised her head with a ‘Hm?’. “...? Oh, yeah, sure, see you. ..Hey Kazuma, it has to be able to transform too, right?” “Duh, everyone knows that.” Mitsurugi looked at us with a hint of sadness in his eyes. “You really get along well with Aqua-sama, don’t you?” After saying that, he bid us farewell and left.

—On the way to the inn. “You know, it feels like forever since someone’s called me a Goddess. I wonder if that Katsuragi-san is such a bad guy after all.” I think you should at least remember his name if you believe that. Though it’s probably my fault for calling him Katsuragi first. Hearing Aqua say that and seeing her walking along merrily, I thought: Is the Demon King really worried about this ditz? ...Nah, that can’t be it. Nope, no way. “So anyway, what should we do for dinner? There's a lot more bloody fighting in the royal capital compared to Axel, so they always have lots of fresh dangerous monster meat to choose from. And the inns in the capital all let you bring in your own ingredients too. They apparently make some really tasty and XP-rich dishes out of what people bring in. I want something really rich and juicy. Want to pick up some good quality meat and have them grill it for us?” “I feel like eating something light today. I could really go for some salad with some tataki3 and something to drink that goes with it.” Mitsurugi said Aqua and I get along, but we’re already at a disagreement. “All right, then, let’s play to decide. Oh, but Mitsurugi just reminded me that you’re a goddess. Since you’re a Goddess, I’ll put in a special handicap. We’ll play paper- scissors-stone, and if you beat me at least once in three goes, we’ll have whatever you want for dinner.” “Ara~? What’s this? Kazuma’s got a big heart all of a sudden. If only you could listen to me in the first place. All right, then, let’s go! Paper, scissors...!” Since she completely forgot how good I am at paper-scissors-stone, dragging the goddess with no ability to learn with me, we arrived at the inn with some high quality meat in hand.

3 Slices of fish (usually bonito) seared on the outside but otherwise served raw with seasoning.

86 7 —That night. While I was sleeping at the inn, I suddenly felt someone’s presence and was awoken. “...-ke up... Hey, come on, wake up.” A familiar voice came from the darkness next to my bed, and there I saw a silhouette looking at me. “Intrudeeeer!” “Waaaaah! Hey, it’s me, it’s me! Come on, it’s just me, Chris! Stop it! Where are you touchin- stop! Darkness! DARKNESS, HELP MEEEE!”

87 88 As I grabbed the intruder, I felt that it was Chris. “Oh, it’s just you, Chris. Oi, I thought you didn’t want everyone knowing you like to break into houses in the middle of the night. Why would you call Darkness for help?” “I-I swear you are so-! You grabbed me after you already knew it was me, didn’t you!? Nobody touches anyone there when they’re trying to capture them, do they!?” In the dark, Chris let out a rough sigh. I thought the noise just now would have made Darkness come rushing in, but I didn’t feel anyone else awake. “I really can’t keep my guard down around you, can I... I really wish there was someone else who could help me with this.” “Hey, don’t come creeping into a man’s room at night and then start screaming when you get fondled. Are you trying to blackmail me?” “That’s not what I’m here for! And I’m not!! I told you’d be back to explain what’s going on at the mansion, didn’t I!? Ah-, hey, don’t pretend you can’t hear me!!” I covered both ears with my hands and hid under the covers, but Chris tugged at me. “And I told you back then that I didn’t want to hear it! I just had to leave the princess, so I’m not exactly in a good mood right now! Come back later! Like maybe a year later, to be specific!” “It has to be now! Hey, listen to me! I told you, I have a good reason for breaking into nobles’ homes...!” As I continued to try and hold out under my blanket, Chris explained the situation—

In this world, there are extremely powerful magic items and equipment called god items. As the name would suggest, they aren’t exactly easy to come by. However, the people who do have them have something in common. They all have black hair, black eyes and strange names. “So basically, usually it’s only guys like you with weird names who are the ones who can hold god items.” “Don’t call it weird. At least I’m not like the Crimson Magic kin.” All my struggling to seclude myself in my bed in vain, Chris gave me a perplexing explanation. I had heard something about god items from Aqua before. They were the cheat items I could have chosen to bring to this world. “By the way, though I don’t know the details, I heard that two god items with no owners have been bought by a certain noble.” “Huh.” So basically the owners of these god items died, and the items ended up just being passed around in the world. One of them was a cheat item that let you summon random monsters and have them obey you at no cost. The other apparently let you enter someone else’s body and control them. An item that lets you summon and control monsters sounds powerful so I can see some merit to that, but what would a reincarnee want to do with one that lets them enter someone else’s body?

89 My doubts aside, Chris sat on the bed kicking her legs and said: “So, I have this one Thief skill that lets you find rare treasures called ‘Sense Treasure’. I’ve been using it to search through all the houses in the royal capital.” “So that’s why you only went after corrupt nobles’ houses; they’d be the only ones who could collect such items and still a lot of money left over.” “Exactly! So, I broke in, but I’ve never found any god items. I’ve always wanted to do something like be an honourable thief, so I just happened to help myself to some of the dirty money they had lying around while I was at it!” So she’s basically just doing the honourable thief thing on a whim. “Anyway, I sensed an amazing treasure in the mansion you were staying in. That was why I snuck in.” “Right. Well, I understand now why you snuck in, but I still don’t get why you’re after these god items.” At my question, Chris scratched at the scar on her cheek uneasily. “The reason why I’m collecting the god items is... Well, I’ll tell you some other time, okay? ...But anyway, did you see anything that fit the bill in that house? Any kind of crazy magic items old man Aldarp was using?” “Aside from the magic mirror he had set up to watch the bathroom, no, nothing that crazy. ...Actually, couldn’t the treasure you picked up on have been Aqua’s hagoromo? She’s gone on about how that thing is a god item before.” Hearing that, Chris hung her head dejectedly. “W-Well, I guess that settles that. ...But also, there’s a reason I snuck in here too.” Here it comes! “Stop, I don’t want to have to deal with any more trouble! And I have a feeling this time it’s going to be seriously bad this time!” “Ah- come on! Just listen to me! The thing is, I felt a very strong treasure in the palace. Something even bigger than what was coming from that mansion!” “...You’d expect a palace to have an amazing treasure in it. ...What about it?” “Right, you have the Farsight skill that lets you see in the dark, don’t you? And you also have the Conceal and Sense Enemy skills I taught you! You have to use those and sneak into the palace with me...” “Don’t try to make me your partner in crime! I had a bad feeling about this ever since you showed up at Aldarp’s place! I’m not going to help you!” “Hey, listen to the whole story! If I don’t gather these god items, the entire world could be in really bad trouble!” “Take your sob story to some heroic type who actually cares! I know, that Mitsurugi guy is in town! If you go to him saying ‘If this missing god items get misused, the whole world could be...!’, I’m sure he’ll be glad to help!” “You jerk! I wanted you to help me with this! Whatever, I’ll wake Darkness up and ask her!” “Oi don’t you dare! Darkness is nobility, you know! If the other nobles find out who you are her reputation will get ruined!” “But, but...!”

90 “Go on, just go home! If you don’t, I’ll use the Bind I learned last night to sexually harass you! I went through hell yesterday because of that!” “Don’t! O-Okay, fine, I’ll leave for now, okay!? But I’ll be back tomorrow to talk about this!” “And I’m saying don’t bother! «Bi...” “I-I’ll let this go for nooooow!” Flinging the window open, Chris jumped out half in tears and disappeared towards the city just as dawn was breaking. Come on, I just want a break from all this trouble. Seriously, what happened to my luck being good? Goddess of fortune Eris-sama, I’ll even join the Church of Eris once I go back to Axel, just please, grant me my wish for some peace and quiet. As I prayed, I slipped under the covers...

—Then, as if deliberately, the alarm went off and woke me.

91 Chapter 4: Some Bad Company for this Sheltered Princess!

1 «Alert, the Demon King’s army is attacking! Alert, the Demon King’s army is attacking! A force of the Demon King’s army has been sighted on the plains outside the royal capital! Knight corps are to prepare for sortie. Due to the large number of enemies, adventurers in the city as also requested to participate in the upcoming battle! High level adventurers are asked to gather in front of the royal palace at once for further instructions!» The announcement rang through the royal capital at dawn. At the same time, a racket stirred up inside the previously quiet inn. “Kazuma, are you awake!? Did you hear the announcement!? Hurry and get your gear!” There was a knock on the door to my room and Darkness’ panicked voice came through. “I’m asleep.” “This is no time for jokes, you fool! The Demon King’s army is attacking! We have to hurry and join in the fight!” I stuck just my head out of my blanket and faced the door she was still pounding on. “You’re the one who has to be joking! Yeah I heard the announcement; it said ‘high level adventurers are asked to gather in front of the royal palace’. I’m still only level 17, comfortably mid-level. Besides, this place has Mitsurugi and probably a lot of other strong adventurers, right? They can handle this without us easily.” “Y-You are such a-! Fine, I’ll just get Aqua and Megumin to join me then! The low level adventurers can just hide and cower in their beds!” Darkness stopped banging on the door and ran off with stomping footsteps. And not long after... “NOOOOO! Why should I have to go somewhere that dangerous!? I’m only here on holiday! I am not fighting any Demon King’s army, NO WAAAAAAY!” “Aqua, stop being selfish! This is a fight against the Demon King’s army, we need all the healers we can get! And look at Megumin! See how excited she is to...!” “Darkness, I will not go to the palace, but straight to the Demon King’s army! I would not be able to use my magic if the people there get mixed up into a melee! I shall deal the first blow! In fact, my powered up magic will end the battle before it has even begun!” “Wait, Megumin, that’s reckless! And you, Aqua, stop struggling and let go of the bed! Aargh, please, Kazuma, do something!!” Keep it down! Some of us are trying to sleep!

92 Besides, once I get back to Axel I won’t have to worry about money anymore. There’s nothing to gain from sticking my neck out and going into some dangerous battle... “...!?” I threw my covers off and jumped out of bed. I’m not interested in getting a reward from taking part in this fight. But if I make a significant contribution and earn some merit...? That’s right, I may have failed to catch the honourable thief, but if I do something even more admirable than that...! And I’ve heard there are lots of cheat users like Mitsurugi in the royal capital. It’s not like we’re at great risk of losing, so if I just make my presence felt here, this might be my chance to earn some kind of position as a guardian of the palace and return there. It’s not like I even have to go charging through the Demon King’s forces. All I have to do is be seen doing my bit. “Stop it, Darkness, I have a bad feeling about this! It’s my Goddess intuition! Just like when you buy an ice-cream and it falls on the ground or when you get a lot of points on a lucky draw ticket for a store and it turns out to be a loser! I just know something bad’s going to happen! So please, let’s leave this for tomorrow! I’ll even give you one of my wieners from breakfast!” “Darkness, please let go! I want to do something like ‘When the kingdom’s army got to the battlefield, all they saw was the Demon King’s army having been already mercilessly slaughtered, and a cool wizard walking away...’! This is my chance, so let me go!” “Kazuma! I can’t deal with this, do something about these two!” In full kit, I opened the door and turned to the still noisy group. “This is a time of crisis, people. Come on, let’s go! This is our time to shine!” “...... ” x3

—We arrived in front of the palace, and found the armed knight corps standing in orderly rows, and a huge number or adventurers teeming all over the place. “Adventurers, please gather over here! We do not have any particular instructions to offer you! Since you are not formally trained in military combat, please feel free to act independently of the knights and fight the way you see fit! We must check your adventurer cards before you participate in the battle. We are offering special rewards based on the number of monsters slain after the battle, so please do your best out there!” Someone who seemed to be a member of the local Guild staff was shouting out directions through a megaphone-like magic tool.

93 We gathered where we were asked to along with everyone else, and one of the staff members asked to see our adventurer cards. Seeing my card, the staff member lowered her brow and said apologetically: “Satou Kazuma-san, is it? We apologise, but it is considered too dangerous for those who are not advanced classes or under level 30 to take part in the battle, so we cannot approve your participation. You could instead take part in the town defence...” “It will not be an issue. This man has achieved many great deeds before. He is a very capable adventurer.” Suddenly interrupting the staff member was Claire, who had showed up out of nowhere. Possibly to encourage the knights and adventurers in front of the palace, the nobles, including Claire, were also gathered. And, the row of nobles was looking at me with somewhat hopeful eyes. I may have failed in catching the honourable thief, but they must have had high expectations from someone who defeated generals of the Demon King. Then, I saw a figure looking down at us from the palace balcony. In fact, she was looking straight at me. Iris, her eyes glimmering with hope. Now I couldn’t stop myself from getting excited if I wanted to. Don’t you worry, onii-chan is going to do his best! ...Then, I felt a tug at my sleeve from the side. “Kazuma-san, Kazuma-san. I’ve learned this, since I’m so wise. There’s definitely going to be some kind of screw-up in this fight. Like maybe the crazy girl is going to get me caught in her explosion magic, or the muscle-headed girl is going to try and draw all the monsters and lead them to me or something. You know, it’s not too late. Can’t we just go back to Axel now?” “I am quite capable of learning myself, Aqua. I would not do that!” “O-Oi, Aqua, can you stop calling me muscle-brained? I’m starting to think I must seem the dumbest out of all of us...” I gave the uneasy Aqua a daring smile. “Come on, there might be a lot of them but they’re all small-time. I think it’s about time I showed what I can really do!” “Ooh!” x? At my bold remark, the eyes of the nobles all round lit up with expectation. Then, from on high, Claire commanded the rows of knights and adventurers: “—Demon King’s army suppression regiment, move out!”

94 2 “...Hello. It’s been a while, Eris-sama.” “...... ” When I came to, I found myself standing in the middle of the all-too-familiar temple. How many times have I died now? The Winter Shogun killed me, and I died when I fell from that tree. And now... “I’m sorry. I didn’t expect to get killed by kobolds at this level...” I was swamped by a pack of kobolds and beaten to death. Kobolds. Yes, kobolds. I was killed by what’s considered a low-level cannon fodder monster even in this world. I looked at Eris, who was standing in front of me, still silent. “Please don’t misunderstand, Eris-sama, things were going pretty well until then. I had Aqua’s buffing magic on me and was following behind Darkness. All the dangerous monsters were already being hunted by the other adventurers, so I thought I could at least do better than them in terms of quantity.” “...... ” Yes, things were going well until that point. I was shooting arrows left and right from the cover Darkness gave me, and we were making good progress. Eventually it became a chaotic melee between both sides, and I tried to save Aqua who was crying while being chewed up by kobolds— “I thought kobolds were no match for me now that I’ve grown so much, so I kept chasing after them...” I got carried away chasing a particularly weak-looking kobold, found myself caught out in the middle of a pack of them, and then they attacked. Oh god, I’m embarrassed to even come back to life now. After being so smug and talking myself up before the battle only to get murdered by a pack of kobolds; that’s so pathetic it’s not even funny. Eris hasn’t as much as said a word yet. Maybe she’s stunned. “U-Um, Eris-sama? I’m really, really sorry about being so careless and letting myself get killed so pathetically, so could you please stop being mad at me?” I asked timidly, and Eris blushed. “...Sexual harassment is inexcusable,” she said, glaring at me. Cold sweat ran down my back. Right, Eris can see what goes on down on the surface. I’ve been sexually harassing her devout follower, the honourable thief, these past few days. I must have angered her by fondling her beloved devotee.

95 “Please hear me out, Eris-sama, it was unavoidable. The first time I grabbed her I thought she was a man because of her small chest... Wait no, I’m sorry, please forgive me, I won’t try to make excuses anymore!” I prostrated myself and bowed my head deeply in front of the visibly displeased Eris. “...Honestly. Your sexual harassment is going way too far. This is the last time I’ll forgive you, you understand?” Letting out a sigh, Eris scratched her cheek with a troubled expression. “Thank you, Eris-sama! Oh man, I wouldn’t know what to do if I made the precious orthodox heroine Eris-sama hate me.” “There you go saying something like that again... Aren’t you quite satisfied after having gotten a little sister recently?” How closely are you watching me, Eris-sama? Then, as I stood there at a loss for words, Eris burst into a snicker. “I suppose I shouldn’t tease you too much. Anyway, there I something I want to ask of you.” “...Ask of me?” Eris nodded. “You heard at least some of what my follower you harassed said last night, didn’t you? About how the god items Aqua-sama gives out get lost in the world.” “Ah, yeah, she did say that. But, don’t these god items choose their owner? When I got that cheat magic sword I thought I could use it myself, but they said it only behaves like a regular sword when not used by its owner.” Yes, that’s what I was told back when I stole the enchanted sword for Mitsurugi and wanted to use it myself. “That is true... It is true that god items only exhibit their full power in the hands of the ones they were granted to. Powerful enchanted swords that can slice through anything become regular swords. Magical staves with infinite mana will only regenerate mana. Most other god items behave this way so that they don’t cause big problems if they’re abused, however...” Eris explained further, saying that the two missing god items would still have a significant effect on the world even without being used to full capacity. The first, the one that could summon random monsters for free and allow them to be controlled, would now require some form of equivalent compensation to be used. The other, the one that allowed the user to enter someone else’s body, would now no longer cause the effect to be permanent, but instead impose a time limit of how long the user can remain inside a body. The two items also required a certain key phrase to be recited in order to be used, so they wouldn’t be so easily accessible even if they got lost. But, there is still a small chance something could happen. Someone could say the key phrase through pure coincidence, and suddenly summon monsters in the middle of a town. Or perhaps someone could be out walking their dog and suddenly switch bodies with it, leading to a new species of kobold.

96 “Aqua-senpai can seal any god items you bring to her. This would be a thankless job that would bring you no rewards or even prestige. Also, no one untrustworthy must know about the god items. Even if their power is diminished outside of the hands of their owners, there are still people who do not think so highly of the reincarnees.” With an earnest face, Eris clasped my hand in both her hands. “Can I ask you to please recover the god items?” 3 —When I opened my eyes, I saw Aqua peering at me, grinning all across her face. “Welcome back, Kazuma-san who got killed by kobolds!” I seriously want to pound her! “Is that what you have to say to someone who’s just come back from the dead!? Learn how to act like an actual Goddess from Eris-sama!” I looked around as I scolded Aqua, and noticed that the battle was already over. “...So, I know you just resurrected me, but couldn’t you have done it a bit sooner, like say, when I could still have done something?” “Why should I have to resurrect someone who gets killed by kobolds? I can’t be bothered to keep bringing you back to life just so you can get killed again.” After having been so easily killed off, I couldn’t say a word back to that. “...Hey, is it just me, or do you kind of smell like booze? You haven’t been skipping on the battle to go drinking, have you?” “Of course not. It’s just that everyone gave me lots of drinks to celebrate my efforts during the fight. While you were dead, everyone else was amazing, you know? You should’ve seen me out there, with all my Turn Undead and healing magic!” ...I see. So that’s why everyone all around is looking at Aqua with respect and admiration. “Okay, last question. ...Why do I have this weight tied to me?” “Well, Darkness said it would be bad if your body got damaged in the fighting and asked me to leave you somewhere out of the way. But I thought if I did that, the monsters might grab you and run off...” “Stop, I don’t want to hear any more! I get it, you weighed me down so I wouldn’t get dragged off! Thanks a bunch! I’ve been thinking this for a while now, but you people really need to learn to have more respect for the deceased!!” Grasping the situation, I once again looked all round. The scale of this attack seemed pretty big. For an amateur like me it’s hard to estimate the number of enemies at a glance, but just by looking around there must be over a thousand dead monsters lying around. Despite that, I’m not seeing any casualties on our side, either dead or even injured.

97 “Aqua-san, you have done an incredible job on the resurrections. Now, please come this way!” “Man, that’s an Archpriest for you. That’s not the kind of skill you see very often! I can’t believe she can even use Resurrection...!” “We all got off without as much as a scratch thanks to her! Thank you so much, Aqua-san!” After she finished resurrecting me, several knights came to Aqua to offer their gratitude. Oh, so Aqua healed all the injured. I didn’t even consider the idiot capable of doing something like that. “Kazuma, you’re back! Are you okay? Does anything hurt?” Darkness came to me, her face and armour covered in soot, and accompanied by a few knights. From all the scratches on her armour, she must’ve worked hard too. “Dustiness-sama! Your contribution was an incredible sight to behold!” “Absolutely! My word, seeing Dustiness-kyou so calmly withstand the magic being thrown at her and charge right into the middle of the Demon King’s army sent shivers down my spine!” “I’ll never forget the look on their commander’s face when he saw her!” “It was thanks to Dustiness-sama drawing most of the attacks to herself that none of us suffered any major injuries. Truly we are in your debt!” Their admiring gazes all on her, the knights showered her with praise. I get it. In a large scale battle like this, Darkness’ Decoy skill would certainly be useful. Even if all her attacks whiff, Darkness’ defence ability is still the best in Axel. Seeing her having actually made a contribution for once is a little frustrating. Oh right, where’s Megumin? ...And, just as I was searching for her, I saw her laid out on a stretcher, being carried carefully like someone would handle a delicate object. The knight at the front of the stretcher was shooing away the curious adventurers. “Go on, clear the way, the MVP of the battle is passing through!” “Megumin-san needs to rest, get out of the way! Or do you want to get blown away by her explosion magic!?” “The foremost mage in the town of Axel, the one who turns all to cinders, Megumin- san, coming through! Clear the way!” ...What the hell. When I looked closely, there was a giant crater way in the distance. “The fight was kind of a free-for-all at first, so Megumin couldn’t use her magic and was getting impatient. Eventually we started winning, and the Demon King’s army began to retreat. Then their commander was like ‘This was merely a skirmish. We shall return with even greater numbers, and reduce this town to cinders!’ as he left, and was about to run away when...” Aqua followed Megumin with her eyes as she explained.

98 “Boy, you did us all a favour, Megumin-san!” “You said it! That commander has always gotten on my nerves! That bastard would always say some line and run off whenever he got into a tight spot.” “And that was amazing! When she cast her spell right in the middle of their army as they were retreated and said ‘My name is Megumin! Foremost mage in the town of Axel, and wielder of explosion magic! ...You were the ones who were turned to cinders...!’, Megumin-san was incredible!” “Yes, I couldn’t feel more refreshed! I can’t believe she used all her mana to cast such a grand spell!” As Megumin was being carried along like a portable shrine, she didn’t look at all displeased by all the praise. “Indeed, indeed! Well, those pitiful creatures never stood a chance in the face of my mystic art. After all, it was my explosion magic which buried generals of the Demon King and the bounty passed into legend The Destroyer alike!!” Atop her stretcher, Megumin couldn’t have been cockier if she tried. “So it’s true that you were the one who defeated The Destroyer!” “Such a powerful sorcerer! Megumin-san, would you please honour us with a display of one of your other spells!?” “Ooh, I want to see that too! I’m dying to know what kind of destructive power Megumin-san’s other advanced magic holds!” “...I see. I would be delighted to demonstrate my many, many spells, but I have exhausted all my mana. So, unfortunately...” “That’s fine, you can show us tomorrow, Megumin-san!” “Oh man, I look forward to tomorrow!” “I’m going to bring all my friends!” “...I-I see, yes. But, er, I might be quite busy tomorrow, so... Ah, Kazuma! Thank goodness, you are alive again! I am sure you must be very weak after having just been resurrected, so I will look after you all day tomorrow...!” ...Megumin dug herself into a hole with her own boasting, so I figured I should leave her to it and see what happens. 4 “The knights and adventurers return victorious!”

With that shout, the royal capital broke into cheers. As we were making our way to the palace to report, we were showered with applause from everyone in town. Some were bowing their heads solemnly, some were raising their fists in the air and shouting with joy. In response, the knights and adventurers puffed up triumphantly as they headed for the palace. When we finally arrived, with Iris and Claire at the front, the delighted nobles were waiting for us.

99 Wearing a white suit as always, Claire stepped forward. “Honoured knights, and esteemed adventurers! You have done us a great service on this occasion! Through your efforts, you brave men and women have protected this city and the seat of the royal family. On behalf of us and the entire kingdom as represented by Her Highness Iris-sama, you have our deepest gratitude. ...You may look forward to being rewarded!” At those words, the adventurers cheered. “Furthermore! We are currently preparing a feast in honour of all of you. I am sure the battle has left you exhausted. Rest now until evening, then feel free to return to this palace. Those with particularly grand contributions may expect a special reward! With that said, let me once again congratulate you on your victory!” The cheers reached peak intensity as the adventurers got more and more excited, their faces filled with joy, until they eventually began to scatter, talking about how they were going to kill time until evening. “Dustiness-kyou, please join us inside the palace and tell us about the details of the battle, if you would...!” “I have heard much of your efforts...!” “Indeed, I would be honoured to hear of Dustiness-sama’s exploits!” In no time at all, Darkness was surrounded by nobles and dragged into the palace. She turned to look at me to ask for help as she was being ushered away, but being that one guy who got killed by kobolds, I was too embarrassed to draw attention. “Hey Kazuma, before the party starts, I’m going to go ask everyone I healed to join the Church of Axis. I figure they owe me after that.” “I think performing medical treatment just to put people in your debt might be one of the reasons you never get any followers.” Ignoring my words, Aqua made her way towards the knights. As I saw her off, I heard a voice from behind. “Ah, you can drop me off right here. My ally will carry me from here on.” As Megumin said that, still riding her stretcher like a portable shrine, the knights gently lowered the stretcher to the ground. On the ground, Megumin beckoned me over with her hand. I’m not your personal mule. “Didn’t you say you were going to look after me since I just came back to life?” “I will coddle you all you want tomorrow, so please allow me this now. Kazuma, let us return to Axel tomorrow. Preferably first thing in the morning.” As I pulled Megumin up on my back, she wrapped her arms around my neck as she always would. Iris rushed over to us, with an innocent smile on her face. “I am so glad to see you unharmed, onii-sama! Welcome back!” “Onii-sama!?” “Ooh, hey, Iris. No, I wouldn’t exactly say I’m unharmed. I died and came back to life.” Hearing that, Iris froze in place, astonished.

100 “You died!? Onii-sama, are you all right!? Please come inside the palace and rest until the feast! We have left your room exactly as it was!” “Again with the onii-sama!!” “Thanks. You don’t have to be so worried about me, though. I got a proper resurrection.” Megumin has been shouting right next to my ear. Why is she so hung-up on the word onii-sama? “If you say so... In any case, onii-sama, were you able to achieve some kind of feat so you could stay in the palace!?” Iris asked expectantly, her mood suddenly turning bright again. “W-Well, not quite... The truth is, I kind of had a bit of bad luck, you know? I wasn’t at the top of my game, so I wasn’t really able to do anything...” “I see... Still, I am just happy to see you back in one piece! In any case, even if you were not able to achieve any military gains, you still fought for the royal capital. I will ask Claire to allow you to stay in the palace once more!” “...... ” “Thanks, Iris, but with the pathetic way I died this time I don’t think that’s going to work... Anyway, I’ll see you tonight.” At those words, Iris looked saddened.

“...You have made that Iris girl quite enamoured with you while I was unaware, haven’t you?” Megumin said on my back, after Iris followed Claire back into the palace. “I know, right? I got the little sister I’ve always wanted. I think I might have a thing for younger girls.” “...When we return to town, shall I call you onii-chan as well?” “You’re the essential loli character, remember? I want to keep that and my little sister separate.” “Oi, is it not about time you stopped treating me like a loli character!?” With Megumin nimbly wrapping her hands around my throat, we returned to my room. 5 I walked into the room I used to live in, let Megumin down on the sofa, and she began looking around. “Hooh, this is a nice room. If this is where you have been lounging around being tended to by maids and butlers, I can understand why you wouldn’t want to come home.” “Right? The food is delicious and they spoil you rotten. If you lived here, you wouldn’t want to go back either. ...*Sigh*, I guess in the end I couldn’t achieve anything, so I’ll still have to leave tomorrow...” I said, taking off my armour and then sitting down on the bed.

101 As I sat there kicking my feet, Megumin, listless from still only partially recovering her mana: “...Well, I prefer it that way. I am glad we were able to show off in the royal capital, but... Going on quests with everyone, getting into quarrels, living a hectic life in Axel; that is what I love the most. We can go back to being just the four of us starting tomorrow,” she said, with a happy smile that seemed to come from the bottom of her heart... “Oh- Y-Yeah, sure. It’s not like I was that set on staying in this palace either!” Megumin’s reaction somehow put me on the spot, and I continued kicking my feet nervously, trying to draw attention away from it. “Is that so? You seemed to really enjoy being with that Iris girl though?” Megumin said teasingly, probably enjoying my reaction. What is she talking about? I can only see her as my little sister, nothing else... That’s right. I feel like I can’t just leave her behind. She was lonely, though perhaps in a different way from Yunyun... Then, at that moment; “Onii-sama, if I may have a moment...” Iris herself called out from outside the door.

“—I am terribly sorry, I did ask Claire if you could stay at the palace, but...” Iris said dejectedly, as she sat down next to Megumin. “Well, what can you do. It’s my fault for being so useless anyway.” “You have nothing to feel guilty about, onii-sama. You took part in that battle at the risk and cost of your own life...” Tears welled in Iris’ eyes as looked at me. Seeing her so sincere, I couldn’t bring myself to mention that I died because I got stupidly carried away, got out of position and then mobbed by a pack of kobolds, and instead just stared back without saying anything. We looked at each other in silence. “...You two haven’t forgotten about me being here, have you?” “No!? I-I have not forgotten at all!” “Iris is right, we haven’t forgotten about you! I’m not a lolicon, so don’t look at me like that! ...W-What is it, Iris? Don’t look so sad, you’re going to give everyone even more wrong ideas, including me!” Ignoring my suspicious behaviour, Megumin seemed like she suddenly noticed something. “...Oya? As expected of a princess, that is quite an impressive magical item you are wearing. The magical power I feel from it is on a whole different level from most others. Is that necklace a god item tier of magical item by any chance? It does not seem to be Crimson Magic kin craftsmanship, so where might it be from?” she said, very intrigued by the necklace Iris was wearing. The necklace Iris wore was of a more simple design than the other decorations she had around her chest.

102 “You refer to this? I believe this necklace was a gift presented to my real brother... As he is on campaign at the moment, as representative of the royal family, it is my duty to look after it.” Megumin leaned in for a closer look at it, her eyes glowing. “So what power does it hold? With this exceptional amount of magical energy, it must surely be imbued with a tremendous power! One so strong it could destroy the world!” I think you’re projecting too much of your own tastes there. “No, I could not say... The truth is, it has not been made clear what use this magical item has. It is said its true power might be activated by uttering a certain key phrase... It is inscribed with a writing that may be the key to using it, and the palace scholars attempted to decipher it, but they did not seem able to solve the mystery...” Iris showed us the other side of the necklace she wore. There were indeed some characters carved onto it... “Huh? This is Japanese. ‘What’s yours is mine. What’s mine is yours. I’ll become you!’4 ...Who came up with this? Was he taking the piss?” Actually, this half-assed key phrase... I have some issues with whoever gave this god item to a Japanese. “Eh? W-Wait, Kazuma, the princess’ necklace is glowing!?” “O-Onii-sama!? Did you activate the magical item...!?” “Eh. W-Wait, throw it away! Iris, take it off and throw it out the window, NOW!!” As I rushed to snatch the necklace off Iris, the gemstone in the middle of it flashed a bright light...! “...Huh? Nothing happened.” At Megumin’s words, I opened my eyes after having instinctively shut them. And, I was in front of me. I was there with a shocked expression, looking myself in the face, with arms outstretched. “How long are you two going to keep staring at each other? Please do not forget about me again like you did last time.” In spite of the odd situation, Megumin just let out a disgruntled sigh... “Uh Megumin, something kind of big happened right now!?” “W-What is this, why are you being so informal all of a sudden, princess? I am your elder, and if you are going to refer to Kazuma as onii-sama all the time, then you should call me ‘Megumin-oneechan’, or perhaps ‘onee-sama’. ...Also, you probably should not use that kind of tone. That Claire said Kazuma has been a bad influence, but it seems like it might be worse than we thought.” For some reason, Megumin looked at me with a disapproving look... Then, the me in front of me raised his hand timidly. “E-Erm... I am Iris...”

4 Reference to a line said by Gian in Doraemon. The original line (“What’s yours is mine, what’s mine is also mine”) has become fairly well-known and developed into a faux philosophy known as “gianism”.

103 Everyone went silent.

“...D-D-D-D-Did I just turn into Iris!? Is it what I think it is!? AAAAAAAH! IT IIIIIIIIIIS!? A dress! I’m wearing a frilly dress! What is this!? The feeling of opening my eyes to find myself wearing girls’ clothes!” “Onii-sama!? Onii-sama is inside me!? Onii-sama, please do not do anything vulgar!” “But, but, Iris, how do you deal with this!? God, skirts are weird, my crotch feels so exposed! Girls are amazing to walk around in public so unguarded!” As I fanned the hem of the dress, I, or rather Iris who looked like me, clung to me with teary eyes. “Onii-sama, enough! You must not go any further, please stop!” “You stop, princess! I understand the situation, but seeing you clinging to Kazuma while he’s flapping his skirt is not an image I want to see!” Then, suddenly, there was a knock at the door. “Iris-sama!? I heard screaming, is something the matter!?” It was Claire’s voice. Iris’ guard must’ve been waiting outside the door. I pushed myself against the door to keep her from coming in. “C-Claire, nothing is the matter desu wa! I merely got too excited while chatting with onii-sama!” “I-Is that so? Very well then, but do try to keep your conversations with that man brief. He may instil some other misdemeanour into you.” “I-I am fine, please return to your duties!” After I shouted back, feeling the odd new sensation of wearing a dress and using feminine language, still pressing up against the door, I slid down into a squat.

—The three of us sat in a circle in the middle of the room, thinking about what had happened. “Right, so what do we do here? Personally, I think I could get used to being a girl for the rest of my life, but I don’t want to give up the body I’ve been in since I was born. How do we get back to normal?” “You just glossed over something quite significant just now, didn’t you? Anyway, are you two all right? Does anything hurt, are you feeling ill?” “I am mostly fine. If I had to say, um... A gentleman’s body is quite... big, and strong. It makes me feel as though I should go on adventures.” “I am sorry, princess, but please do not say that with that face...” Megumin seemed almost on the verge of tears as she looked at Iris. “Still, this is a problem. The necklace lit up when I just read the key phrase out, but it doesn’t seem to work the other way...” We tried using the power of the necklace again, but switching back didn’t seem to work.

104 “There might be a key phrase for switching back as well. Still, to think there was something that could allow people to switch bodies. This kind of power in a magic item is unheard of.” At Megumin’s words, Iris looked dejected. “What shall we do... Will we ever be able to go back to the way we were? Perhaps I could go on living the life of an adventurer... I would be sent away from the palace, and become a free, untamed adventurer... Finding dependable allies, slaying monster after monster which dared stand in our way, venturing into towns unknown far and wide...! Onii-sama, what shall we do!? I think I might be fine with us never going back to normal!” “Princess, please calm down! What you are saying right now sounds fittingly dumb!” Iris was busy deciding whether she was disheartened or thrilled, but clearly things can’t stay this way. If the power of this magic item is some kind of curse, maybe Aqua can do something about it...... Wait, Aqua. That’s right, Aqua was the one who gave this body-switching magic item to a Japanese...! “Don’t worry, I figured out this magic tool! It’s a god item. When used by anyone except its owner, the body switch has a time limit on it. I don’t know how long that actually is, but we shouldn’t stay like this forever.” At my words, Megumin let out a sigh of relief. Iris looked somewhat conflicted. “Basically, all we have to do is sit tight and everything will go back to normal. I just hope that happens before the party tonight...” Then, as I moved towards the bed, ready to spend the time until the party sleeping; “O-Onii-sama! I... I have a favour to ask!” Iris said, sitting in seiza on the floor with a serious expression. Seeing her sitting in seiza like that somehow made me think I was being lectured, so I wish she wouldn’t. “W-What is it? ...Ahaa, you are getting to a certain age, aren’t you? You’re interested in a man’s body? Oi, oi, sorry, but I can’t allow that, fiddling with my body.” “I-I would never! And you must swear to not act improperly with my body as well, onii-sama! ...U-Um... Just once would be fine, but I would like to go outside the palace, without my escorts...” Like a child afraid of getting told off by her parents, Iris asked timidly, sneaking little glances my way. Being constantly followed by her guards, she probably never got to have a good look at the city she was born and raised in. Even if she did go out to explore, it isn’t like she could go into any shops with a small army of guards around her. But, the way she looked now, she could easily walk around.

105 ...Still, would it be okay for someone as sheltered as her to go out by herself? As I stood silently fretting over what answer to give her, Megumin sighed. “Oh, very well. It isn’t as though Kazuma could come with you the way he looks now, so I shall join you. Don’t worry, I will not be as controlling as your retainers. Even if you decide to pick a fight with someone you don’t like, I will just stand and watch.” “What the hell are you even going for if you aren’t going to stop her!?” Iris stood up giddily. “Then, let us be on our way, onee-sama!” “U-Um... I know I was the one who asked you to call me that before but, let’s keep it at Megumin after all, please...” ...Is she going to be okay as an escort? “I am in your care, Megumin-san!” “Please leave it to me. I shall teach you all sorts of things, from beating down a price to beating down thugs.”

Are they really going to be okay!? 6 After seeing Iris and Megumin off, I was being escorted by Claire around the palace. With both of them gone, it would be strange for the princess to be by herself in my room. I figured I could find a way to kill some time until those two have their fill of the city and come back, but... Everyone bowed deeply wherever I went. I gave them all exaggerated nods back. Damn, this feels good. I could get used to this. “...Iris-sama, did anything happen in that man’s room? Your attitude seems strange... He did not teach you any more improper conduct, did he?” Claire said something rude, as she followed behind me. “Claire, I shall not have you speaking of Kazuma-sama in such terms. He is a wonderful gentleman. I would hardly be surprised if his name will be left written into the history of our kingdom one day.” “Did he actually do something to you, Iris-sama!? Perhaps I should deal with that man after all...” I’d really prefer you don’t say something that menacing literally behind my back. As I walked around the palace, I saw adventurers here and there. They must be killing time waiting for tonight’s victory party. Now that I look, those are the guys who had a big contribution in the fight. Judging from their black hair and eyes, they’re probably Japanese just like me. I’d like to have a chat with my compatriots, but my appearance right now is pretty inconvenient for that.

106 “Oh, if it isn’t Iris-sama and Claire-san.” Then, from the group, a familiar adventurer called to us. Seeing him, Claire looked pleased as she responded. “Why, Mitsurugi-dono! I hear you have made a magnificent contribution in the battle! I fear I must apologise for you always being placed in the perilous position of vanguard.” The adventurer who called to us was Mitsurugi. He aimed his refreshing ikemen smile at us and said: “Not at all, it was hardly a challenge. I believe it my duty to protect the people of the kingdom and Iris-sama.” As he spoke, he put his hand on my head and patted it gently. “Claire, have this overly familiar fool who dared to touch my head executed at once.” “Eeeh!?” “Iris-sama, you have been behaving oddly. Did something really happen to you!?” He probably makes all the girls fall for him with his smiles and head pats. After shooing the natural clueless flirt that was Mitsurugi away, I continued searching around the palace. I have a reason for doing so. “Say, Claire, where’s Lalatina? I have a lot to... I mean, I have heard she made a tremendous effort in the battle, and I wish to thank her personally.” “Dustiness-kyou was covered in soot after being attacked with flame magic, so now she is in the bath...” “Claire, lead me to her at once! I shall join her and wash her back!” “Iris-sama!? What in the world has happened to you? For a member of the royal family to wash the back of a subject, even if it is Dustiness-sama...” “I shall wash your back as well, as thanks for all your efforts. Do you object?” “Not in the slightest, Iris-sama! Let us be on our way, come, let us dawdle not a moment longer!” Claire, who I had noticed expressed an almost bizarre loyalty to Iris, rushed excitedly towards the bathroom with a slightly dangerous look on her face. When we arrived at the bathroom and walked into the changing room, we bumped into Darkness who was just coming out of the bath. Sadly, she had already gotten dressed. “Oh, Iris-sama. Have you come for a bath before the party?” Darkness smiled as she dried her hair with a towel. “No, I have come to reward you for your efforts in battle by washing your back, Lalatina... Though, I seem to be too late. Such a shame...” I hung my head dejectedly as I spoke, and Darkness panicked. “N-No, not at all! I would hate for Iris-sama’s good will to go to waste! There is still plenty of time, so I shall just go in again!” As she spoke, she quickly got undressed.

107 “Dark-...! L-Lalatina, wait, my heart isn’t ready for you to just shamelessly get naked in front of me like that...!” “I-Iris-sama, is something the matter? You seem awfully flushed...” Darkness peered at me with concern as she took off her clothes. Her face is close and I can see her underwea... Wait, she’s not wearing a bra! Ooh, I get it, she was about to go to the party wearing a dress, so if she wore a bra it’d show through! As I stood agape taking in the sight of Darkness, Claire, who had at some point gotten undressed and was now just wearing a towel, looked at me with worry... “Iris-sama, are you feeling unwell? I must say, your condition has been odd for a while now...” As she spoke, she placed her cool hands on my cheeks...!

108 109 ...Now I understand. Why the Japanese reincarnee who came before me wanted this god item. Once we go back to normal, Iris might figure out I’ve been in the bath from the smell of soap or something, but now that I’ve come this far I don’t care what happens afterwards. A great ancestor left us these words as his legacy. ‘Worry about tomorrow when tomorrow comes.’ Goddess of fortune Eris-sama; for my great luck, I want to thank you so, so deeply... Surrounded by two beautiful, half-naked women, I offered my prayer as began to take off my own clothes, and...

Suddenly, my consciousness went away—

“—cocky son of a bitch! You better be ready to get your ass handed to you for saying that to aniki!” “Y-You motherfucker, saying that horrible shit to aniki! Look, he’s depressed now!” “S-Shut up! I’m not depressed or anything! It’s just that nobody’s ever been so mean to me, so I’m just a bit shocked is all!” In front of my eyes, I saw three nasty looking men.

...Eris-sama, this teasing is just cruel. 7 “Yes, just like that, excellent! Now, the clincher! ‘...All right, no more talking. I ain’t got all day. I’ll turn you bastards into xp right here and now...!’ Just say that and you will pass with flying colours! Then all you have to do is beat them into a bloody pulp!” Megumin shouted from on my back, with harsh breaths. ...Wait, what is this? What’s going on here? I get that we’re back in our bodies, but what the hell were Iris and Megumin getting up to? It feels like a fight’s about to break out! “Makin’ fun of us...! You’re on, asshole!” The man in front of me referred to as aniki, teary-eyed from whatever I had said to him, threw a punch at me. “Guah!? B-Bastard! Can’t you I’m carrying someone here, you cowards!? We can fight once I put her down!” “Cowards!? You were the one who said ‘You expect me to go all-out on a bunch of small-timers like you? This is a handicap. I’ll take all three of you on at once like this.’!” “What’s it gonna take for you to stop looking down on aniki!? What did he ever do to you!?” “I don’t give a shit anymore, let me just beat both of them up! I’ll show them for suddenly calling us thugs!” The three rushed me furiously.

110 “Kazuma, you came back! Use Drain Touch on me so I can fight too!” “You’re the one who started this whole thing, aren’t you!? You do something about it!” Rubbing my freshly-slugged cheek and teary-eyed, I poured mana into Megumin—!

“—So they were just small-time thugs after all. They never stood a chance.” “You’re a wizard and a high-level adventurer too. You shouldn’t be going all-out on fisticuffs with random civilians.” Having more or less won the brawl against those three, we left that place to get away from the crowd which had gathered and now we were on our way to the palace. “I was merely trying to give the princess of taste of the real world, but you came back just as things were getting interesting. I am a little disappointed.” “And what the hell were you planning to do if something happened to Iris? Don’t involve a frail princess in back alley brawls.” At my words, Megumin looked surprised. “What are you talking about? The princess is strong. Members of the royal family have been born with natural talent for generations, and they receive special training in self-defence from childhood. I would not be surprised if that princess is stronger than you, Kazuma. With your body, that fight should have been an easy win.” Are you serious? “Why were you in a fight in the first place? What did you do to those nasty types?” “Well, first we went around some shops, but then we ran into those people in an alley.” I see. So that’s when they started harassing them... “Normally, in that kind of situation, seeing a girl like me they should say something like ‘That’s a cute girl you’ve got there. Why don’t you piss off and let us have a good time with her?’, right? But they just gave me a glance and didn’t even say anything, so I started giving them a real dressing down for being spineless.” “You’re the thug! You were just harassing innocent people, weren’t you!?” W-What should I do? Maybe I should apologise... “Well, I may have provoked them but they were the ones who started getting violent. Don’t worry, even if they take us to court the law is on our side. It was their fault for starting a fight just for being teased a little.” My brain hurt from that, but eventually we arrived at the palace. “Well, a lot happened but the princess seemed to have a lot of fun. She was so happy to eat from a food stall for the first time.” “Nngh... I guess it’s fine, then... is it? I wonder if they’ll chalk that one up to me being a bad influence too....” “...Kazuma, you are being too soft on that girl. Her character overlaps with mine, like by being younger, and it makes me a bit uneasy.” “A-Are you seriously going to say your character overlaps with that reserved noble girl?”

111 As Megumin and I exchanged words and passed through the palace gate; Standing in our way with arms folded were Darkness and Claire, visibly furious. 8 As I stood in a corner of the banquet hall trying not to draw attention to myself, Aqua approached me cradling a bottle of expensive looking liquor. “Hey Kazuma. So, why are you so stupid? You always treat me like the idiot, but I’d like to see you try that now. You’re just a grade A genuine dumbass, aren’t you, Kazuma-san?” I couldn’t say anything back to the idiot holding a bottle of booze like it was a family heirloom. “You don’t understand. It’s not like I was planning to do that from the start. It’s just that, you know... Walking around the palace and having everyone bow to me, I started thinking I was the kind of person who could get away with anything...!” “So you really are stupid. You’re so stupid that if you look up the word ‘idiot’ your name would be the first result.” I really want to take her bottle away and leave her crying, but I can’t even grumble. The instant I went back into my body, Iris was obviously in the changing room. Then, panicked after her situation changed so abruptly, Iris told Claire and Darkness about the whole thing... “To think even Iris got so mad at me... Damn it, onii-chan can’t go on living...” “...Well, you just stay in your corner and try not to stand out. I’ll bring you something tasty to eat.” Unusually kind, Aqua healed my withered heart. At the end of the day, she is still a goddess. She’ll come through for you when times are rough... Even Megumin refused to speak to me just like Darkness after finding out what I was doing just before I was returned to my body. “I guess being the one who’s known me for the longest time counts for something. The others should learn a thing or two about tolerance from you. Also, I’ve been wondering about this for a while, but what’s with that bottle? Didn’t you say there wasn’t any good booze in town when we went looking for some the other day? Is that a souvenir?” “Oh, this? The people in the palace praised us for our efforts and said they wanted to give us a special reward, remember? They asked if we wanted something in particular, and everyone else looked busy. So on behalf of our party, I had them give us this drink.” She went and decided the reward for all of us? I’m worried she’s going to drop even that bottle if I leave it with her. I reached my hand out, intending to hold onto it until we get back to the mansion. “Oh well. At least once we get back to Axel we can all...” Drink it, is what I meant to continue with, when Aqua slapped my hand away.

112 “...What, what the hell do you think you’re doing? I bet you’d drop the bottle or forget to take it with you and let his high quality booze go to waste. You do whatever you want with the drinks you buy yourself, but this is bottle is our reward for our hard work. I’ll hold onto it so hand it over.” “No way. I received it, so I’m not letting anyone else have this. The guy who gave it to me said ‘My, but you have done us such a great service, and Aqua-sama’s achievements are especially grand!’. He was happy the fight ended with no casualties thanks to me. So I think I deserve at least this much.” “Oi, we all worked hard, you know!? Even I deserve some fancy liquor... Ah, bitch!!” Holding her beloved booze tight to her chest, Aqua scampered away. So now I’m alone...

—All around the banquet hall there were little groups of people, with adventurers who made particularly admirable contributions in the middle of each. The nobles who were standing away from the crowds were also excitedly discussing the battle. “Why, this skirmish was an easy win! We owe it all to the tremendous vigour Dustiness-sama’s party demonstrated!” “Well said! Dustiness-kyou singlehandedly repelled the enemy offence, and Aqua- dono not only purified hordes of undead in one fell swoop, but also cured all the injuries in the blink of an eye. And Megumin-dono, who delivered the final blow to the Demon King’s forces just as they were about to retreat! Just the three of them might well defeat the Demon King himself, no?” “Indeed, the Demon King may have found his match in those three! In fact, I have heard the three have defeated quite a few of his generals already. I cannot say I’m surprised...” “Let us not forget the pride of our city, the enchanted sword wielding hero Mitsurugi-dono! If he were to join them, their party would surely be the greatest ever seen, enough to overwhelm the Demon King... I believe he also has two young ladies in his party, an Archer and a spear wielder. A perfect balance to the party if I do say so myself.” “That’s it!” x? Oh my, aren’t we forgetting to include someone in that dream team? Though, I can’t say I blame them. I couldn’t contribute anything this time. In fact, I got killed by kobolds. As for gazes being cast in my direction... “Isn’t he that one...?” “Yes, him. Claire-sama told me about him, the braggart...” “I have heard he is the lowest class of Adventurer, and his level is quite low as well.” “Honestly, I do not understand why Dustiness-sama keeps such a companion...” “Most likely he is skilled at coaxing others into looking after him. After all, he has managed to win the favour of Iris-sama and had planned to move into the palace...” The bastards are just saying whatever they want. But there’s some truth in there as well so I can’t even talk back!

113 While I stood awkwardly by myself in a corner, the others were all surrounded by nobles and adventurers singing their praises. Most of the people in Megumin’s group looked like magic users. Around Aqua there was a crowd of people who had been healed by her. Mitsurugi must’ve been a bigshot in the royal capital, because he was exchanging familiar greetings with those around him. For some reason it seems like there are more women than men in his entourage. Looking closely, Megumin seemed to be fully enjoying being lavished with praise and attention, but Aqua was still clinging to her bottle and shooing away anyone who got close. Maybe she got it in her head that they were all after her booze, so she was on edge. And... “Right. She is the ojousama of an important noble family after all.” Since adventurers were taking part in this celebratory feast unlike at the previous party, Darkness, clad in a dress, was sitting at a special table with royalty and high nobility, having conversation away from the commoners. People who looked like royal guards encircled their table, and didn’t look like they would be very keen on anyone getting close. Somehow, late as it might come, feeling this level of difference in social status makes me just a little sad.

—Then, my eyes met with Iris, who was sitting at that table. Although she had been incredibly cross with me before, now she was staring at me with a lonely look in her eyes. I’m going home tomorrow. I’m glad the last thing I got to see wasn’t Iris’ angry face. What I really wanted was to see her smiling, but... “Oh, you’re still here, are you?” Then, as I stood there alone, someone suddenly called to me. Despite being at a party, she was still wearing a white suit. The one who spoke to me was Claire, holding a glass in her hand and glaring at me. On account of me failing to get any results in the battle and the body-swapping incident, her attitude towards me was now completely different to what it was when we first met. Maybe this is another result of my being a bad influence. “The guests of honour Dustiness-kyou and the others are welcome to stay the night, but you are free to leave at any time.” “...Look, I understand that you’re mad. I clearly went too far, but you could at least be nicer to me at the end. You were pretty happy to get into the bath with Iris, weren’t you?” “W-What are you talking about, you fool!? That I would be happy to bathe with Iris- sama... That... Well, enough of that. I shall discuss this no further.” She definitely has some other feelings for Iris besides loyalty. Between Darkness’ special disposition, old man Aldarp and now her, I have to wonder if all nobles are like this.

114 “You were of no worth in this battle, just as with your attempt to capture the honourable thief. ...I am honestly appalled by how little you have to show for all your grandstanding. I have heard even the generals of the Demon King you so boast about defeating were only finished off by Dustiness-kyou and that mage.” More stinging words out of nowhere. “My role is to back them up. And they have plenty of flaws themselves, you know?” “I already know all about that. Those flaws would hardly matter if they had the support of the kingdom. There is call for them to join Mitsurugi-dono’s party. If they did, they would most likely achieve humanity’s greatest victory, that of defeating the Demon King. You already have enough money, do you not? Why don’t you leave the party and just spend the rest of your life comfortably in that town of yours?” What the hell is she saying? “I’m all in favour of an easy life, but don’t ask me to pull my party apart. There was a hoodlum who said the same thing to me once, and he came back crying after he partied up with Aqua and the others. Do you really think you have what it takes to look after those three?” “I would say our forces did a perfectly good job of it in this battle. The way they excel in a specific area each makes them ideal for large scale battles where they have the support of an army. Do you have any kind of unbeatable skill like they do? ...Well, just consider it. You are welcome to scoff at my proposal when, or rather if, you develop an ability like theirs or that of Mitsurugi-dono.” Does this sadist of a woman get off to asking a guy who just got killed by kobolds to show his skill? To hell with this, I’m not staying here! I’m going back to the inn! ...Aah, right. “Let’s put that aside. What happened to the necklace Iris was wearing? You’d better not let her wear it anymore. That thing looked like a god item. Aqua can seal it if you give it to her, so will you let her take care of it?” Then, at my warning, Claire said something unexpected. “Impossible. That item was originally a gift presented to first prince Jatis-sama. He has not returned, and we cannot well dispose of it without his approval. ...In any case, even if it is a god item, it only allows for short term body swapping. I fail to see any great danger with it,” Claire said, looking away and blushing slightly. ...She’s developed a taste for what went down because of that thing, hasn’t she. Oh well, without the key phrase it’s just a trinket anyway. And even the time limit on the body swap is pretty short. Then, with a slight smile, Claire said: “Anyway, you shall be leaving the royal capital tomorrow. Your power is hardly needed. Even if you insist on staying, I could drive you out by force alone. But, I shall withdraw for now and leave you to enjoy the party. ...In as much as you deserve to.”

115 9 Having returned to the inn in tears, I stood in the dark room alone and shouted. “I hate this! What’s with that woman!? Why did she have to be so nasty right up until the end!? Even though it’s my fault too! Actually it’s all my fault!!” Darkness and the others couldn’t get away from their respective crowds if they wanted, so they stayed behind to attend the party and would be sleeping at the palace. ...They didn’t actually say they want to join Mitsurugi’s party, did they? Why do I feel so alienated? All along I’ve been thinking I want to get rid of them and join a proper party, but now I’m doubting if I ever really wanted that in the first place... Fuck it, I don’t care anymore! I’ll just go back to Axel and get my reward for Silvia and my money from Vanir and spend the rest of my life having fun! What should I do first when I get home? I say having fun, but spending every day in bed is obviously going to get old after a while. It hurts that there’s no videogames or PCs in this world. No wait, Aqua brought a games console back from the Crimson Magic village. All right, I’ll take it from them and spend every day playing videogames. As I was giving that a profound thought, I suddenly remembered.

...I didn’t get to finish my game with Iris, did I...

Then, as I became overcome with anguished thoughts about Iris that wouldn’t let me sleep, it happened. There was a knock on the window of my room. —Looking outside, she was standing nonchalantly on the edge of the second floor window. Under the moonlight stood a thief girl with silver hair. When I opened the window, Chris entered smoothly. “Hey. Wasn’t there a party tonight? You’re back pretty early, aren’t you?” Chris said, smiling knowingly, probably already aware of everything that happened. The god items, the party; how come she knows so much? Maybe there’s some kind of Thieves Guild that only Thieves have access to. “My answer is going to be the same no matter how many times you show up. I’ll tell you what I know, but that’s it. The body-switching god item is in the palace. The body swapping only works for a short while though, so I don’t think it’s as dangerous as the monster summoning one,” I said as I lay on the bed, then turned my back on her sulkily. I’d like to be able to reminisce about Iris in peace at least for tonight. I know Eris-sama asked me when I died, but now I feel less motivated than ever.

116 As I pointed my back at her: “You know, if one of the people who swaps bodies dies, the other one won’t be able to go back,” Chris mumbled, unaffected. “...Oi, what did you just say?” I sprung up and asked Chris to repeat herself. Seeing me so panicked, Chris laughed. “That magic item is amazing because it means you can live forever if you use it right. When your own body gets weak, you can just find someone young and healthy to swap with and then kill them. Even better if you can transfer all your possessions to whoever you swap with ahead of time.” That’s not laughing matter. ...Now I see. That’s what makes it a proper god item. But still, the only ones who know of the item’s true power right now are me and Chris. If we just leave it at that, as long as nobody else knows it can’t be abused, right? “You know, I remember that the magic item was first bought by a noble,” Chris said calmly, as if reading my mind. “But, somehow it ended up in the hands of the princess. ...Weird, right? Just who would want it in the hands of the princess, and why?” ...The goal is obvious. To swap bodies with the most powerful figure in the kingdom... “Oi, this is serious. We’d better tell the higher-ups...!” At that, Chris shook her head with a slightly disheartened look. “I wouldn’t do that if I were you. Do you realise what would happen if more people found out about the god item’s power? Even if you don’t, I’ll tell you. The first thing that would happen is nobles all over the kingdom would come for it. ...Not to mention, the royal family themselves might abuse the item too. Mhm, in fact, I don’t think there’s anything powerful and influential people would want more than eternal life.” I was at a loss for words. “I’m telling you this because I trust you wouldn’t abuse the god item if you got it.” Why is she so trusting of me? We barely know each other. Though, she’s right in that I wouldn’t have the courage to misuse that thing. The most I could muster when I swapped bodies with Iris was try get into the bath with someone else. ...Huh. I’m starting to feel like I kind of misused it myself... I continued to remain silent. “Hey. So, you were the princess’ playmate, right?”

Under the moonlight, Chris once again stood at the window and smiled.

“Want to go over to play with Her Highness right now?”

117 Chapter 5: A Decisive End to this Annoying Scheme!

1 The dark night covered the royal capital as Chris and I were making our way towards the palace. According to her, tonight is the best time to infiltrate the palace, since the guards are too elated with the great victory against the Demon King’s army to be at their most vigilant. “Hey, what is that? It’s kind of cool. Where did you get it?” Chris asked with a black cloth covering her mouth, after seeing my appearance. “A shady clerk in a certain magical item shop in Axel gave it to me. I hear they sell pretty well.” In order to conceal my identity on the off chance I get spotted, I was wearing the mask I got from Vanir. “Huuh. I want one of those too. Who’s this shady clerk?” “Who...? ...He’s the one who drives away the crows from the town dump, nicknamed Vanir-san the Crow Slayer by the local housewives.” “Wow, he sounds like a great guy! I’d love to meet him!” I bet you’d be put off if you actually met him. In fact, I’m pretty sure nothing good would come of a demon like Vanir meeting a devout follower of Eris like Chris.

Our goal is to break into the palace and steal Iris’ necklace. Sexual harassment aside, considering the only crimes I committed since I was born were minor ones such as jaywalking and public urination, now being on the verge of committing a proper crime crime naturally made me nervous. I didn’t intend to hurt anyone, nor would I have the guts to do so even if I did, so I left my sword at the inn. I also left my breastplate in order to stay light on my feet, and only wore black clothes so I could make the most of the darkness. As for the bow, I did bring it on account of it being quite useful for a break-in... Eventually Chris stopped, and looked up at the lofty palace ahead of us. “All right, you ready for this, crony-kun?” “I’m ready any time, baws.” “...... ” x2 “Okay, can you not call me baws?” “Then you stop calling me a crony. Why am I being treated as the underling here?” We whispered to each other, as we hid in the shadow of a building. “Because I’m a Thief? You know, my main job? You’re an Adventurer, aren’t you?” “My Farsight skill lets me see in the dark, so I think I’m pretty qualified to be in the thieving business. In terms of skills I should be the boss.”

118 We couldn’t call ourselves by our real names when breaking into the palace. For that reason, we had decided on nicknames a while ago, but... “But, but, I’m the one who’s famous in the city as the honourable thief! We’re never going to decide like this, so let’s settle this with a game or something!” “A game, huh. Well, a thief needs luck, so how about you play me at paper-scissors- stone?” My luck is my one strong point. And I’m pretty sure Chris shouldn’t know my stats. “Paper-scissors-stone, huh? All right, let’s do it! I lost to you in the Steal battle before, didn’t I? Now I’ll get even!” “Fufun, you’re on, Chris! I’ve never lost at paper-scissors-stone! Here we go! Paper, scissors...!”

“—We have to start by finding a way inside the palace, helper-kun.” “All right, chief. I didn’t become a NEET in the palace just for nothing. During my plentiful free time I used to wander around the place, so I have a pretty good grasp of the layout. Leave the navigation to me.” I lost a game of paper-scissors-stone for the first time in my life. The luck of a devout worshipper of the Goddess of fortune Eris-sama was nothing to scoff at. After much negotiating, we decided on this naming convention. We avoided the main gate, which was guarded, and went around the palace walls. “Helper-kun, can we get in through here? Those walls are really tall. They must reach up to the third floor. Not even the Chris-san could...” Before Chris finished talking, I took out my bow and nocked an arrow. “«Snipe»!” I shot an arrow with a hooked tip and a rope attached to the end, the same kind we used in the battle against the Destroyer. Thanks to the skill, the arrow flew exactly as I had aimed it and the hook latched onto the edge of the wall. As I gave the rope a couple of tugs to make sure it held, Chris’ mouth gaped. “You’re handy to have around, helper-kun. Would you be interested in joining our band of thieves who specialize in corrupt nobles if you retire from adventuring?” “I’ll think about it if I run out of money and I’m really bored. ...All right, let’s go!” 2 It must be one or two o’clock at night. The lights in the rooms of the palace were out, so we could tell everyone was asleep. “Looks like I should take the lead from here. I’ll use my night vision and move slowly, so you follow behind me, chief.” “Gotcha, helper-kun.” We are now in the palace courtyard. Our goal, Iris’ room, is on the top floor of the palace.

119 And, as I arrived at the door leading to the inside of the palace, I came across the first hurdle. “Chief, we have a problem. The door is locked.” “Then I guess it’s my turn. Time for my lockpicking skill to shine.” Chris leaned close to the door, took out two things that looked like ear picks and began fumbling with them inside the keyhole. Not long after there was a click, and the door opened easily. That’s a professional for you. Maybe I should get this skill too, especially since I have points to spare. After successfully infiltrating the palace, we made our way through the darkness. I was at the front, of course, and Chris followed close behind me. We haven’t run into any guards patrolling the halls. Maybe it’s because I don’t have the horribly unlucky Aqua with me that things are going so smoothly. “Wait, someone’s coming. Sense Enemy is acting up.” “Let’s hide over there, helper-kun. Don’t forget to use your Conceal skill.” As we hid behind cover, we heard the sound of shoes clacking on the floor. It’s probably a guard. “H-Hey, helper-kun, why are you so close? If you’re using the Conceal skill you shouldn’t have to try so hard to hide, you know!?” “Can’t be too careful, chief. Come on, scoot in closer, hurry, hurry.” I nudged Chris into the hiding spot and pushed my own body up against hers. “Helper-kun, too close! In more ways than one!” “Chief, this is all to recover the god item, and save the world. Just bear it!” As the two of us exchanged words quietly, the patrolling guard stopped. “...Is anyone there?” He pointed a commanding voice and a lantern light in our direction, but thanks to the Conceal skill we were unseen. “Must be hearing things...” As he went back to his route, we let out sighs of relief. “See, didn’t I tell you, chief? Can’t afford to get careless. If I hadn’t been so cautious we would’ve been in trouble.” “Yeah right, he wouldn’t have even noticed anything if you hadn’t made me raise my voice! And you should know the Goddess Eris-sama will punish you for your sexual harassment!” Oh crap, Eris-sama is watching, isn’t she? I’ve been acting on instinct way too much lately, even for me. I’ll have to keep myself in check better.

—Making our way through the vast palace, we eventually came upon a set of stairs leading to the second floor. Iris’ room is on the top floor.

120 As we made our way up, Chris tugged on my sleeve. “Hey, helper-kun. I’d like to stop by the treasury along the way if possible. I told you before, didn’t I? About how two god items are lost in the royal capital right now? The monster-summoning one might be in the palace too. In fact, I’m sensing an incredible treasure here, just like in that Aldarp guy’s mansion.” What she felt in Aldarp’s mansion was probably Aqua’s hagoromo, so the only other god item we know about must be here. “The treasury is on the second floor. It’s right at the top of the stairs. It isn’t guarded, but it has a powerful barrier on it, and I heard there’s traps set up too...” “That’s okay. I came prepared.” We went up the stairs, heading for the treasury. The entrance had a barrier placed on it; one that even someone without much mana like me could tell was strong. Something like this probably takes an Aqua to dispel. Then, Chris took some kind of magical tool out from her bosom. “This is a magical tool usually only used by demonkin called a Barrier Slayer. I don’t know how they managed to do it, but the Crimson Magic kin started selling them. This is one I just borrowed from a noble who happened to have one.” Barrier Slayer? That name sounds somewhat familiar. Actually, it also looks very familiar, but... whatever. Chris tampered with the magical item and the barrier was easily dispelled with a crisp sound. “Nice. Now all we have to watch out for are the traps.” “Yep. And since we both have the Detect Trap and Disarm Trap skills, we shouldn’t have to worry about triggering them.” I took out my lighter and used the light of the flame to look around. Bringing the light to the centre of the room, I saw many treasures neatly arranged. “Whoa, there are traps everywhere. It looks like an alarm would trigger if anyone tried to steal these treasures. If the god item we’re after isn’t here, we shouldn’t touch any of these.” I nodded to Chris’ words and we began looking for anything that fit the bill. Though, having said that, I had no idea what a monster summoning god item is supposed to look like, so I left it to Chris and her treasure-sensing skill. As for me, I stayed on lookout, mostly looking all around the treasury...... Then, a certain something caught my eye. “Helper-kun, it doesn’t look like it’s here. Lots of powerful magic items, but nothing you could call a god item. ...Helper-kun?” It was something that was out of place in a treasury. And it was something nostalgic for me. “This is a manga...” It was a manga magazine, seemingly brought from Japan. I don’t know what impression Chris got from seeing my expression as I looked nostalgically and greedily at the manga, but she kept her eyes on me.

121

“Um... You probably shouldn’t...” Chris mumbled reluctantly, but I already knew that. “Don’t worry. It’s just a book that they had back in my country. It just brought back some memories is all.” At my words, Chris’ expression seemed remorseful for some reason. “You don’t have to look so sad. Besides, I already had this one, so I don’t...” Then, before I said any more, I noticed the book that was left next to the manga. ...That was a priceless treasure. It was an incredible artefact, something that would get you arrested just for possession of it in Japan. “...Well then, let’s go, helper-kun. ...I know! Once we finish sealing the god items, I’ll start gathering books from your country for you. So just...” Chris started saying something solemnly, but without a moment’s hesitation, I pinched it. “HELPER-KUUUUUN!!”

“—That way, the intruders went that way!” “There are two intruders! We don’t know what they’re after, but we cannot let them go any further!” As the guards were shouting, Chris and I were desperately running at full pelt. “Damn it! What a dreadful trap! I can’t believe I fell for it...!” “Helper-kun, you and I need to have a long chat after this! You badly need to learn some restraint!!” “Chief, this is no time to be arguing! We have to think of a way to lose them!” “You’re right but you’re the last person I want to hear that from!” The alarm must’ve woken the residents of the palace, because the indoor lights were on now. “«Create Water»! And then, «Freeze»!” As we dashed through the halls, I left patches of ice behind us. Not long after we heard swears and yells coming from behind us. “You really are handy, helper-kun.” “Less talking, more helping, chief!” After Chris gave a casual comment as we ran side-by-side, she gave a thumbs-up. “All right, I think it’s time I show you what the chief can really do!” With that remark, Chris turned around and took something out of her pockets. It was several lengths of thin metal wire. “«Wire Trap»!” As she shouted, Chris threw the wires, which turned into something like barbed wire the moment they touched the walls of the hallway. It looked like a spider’s web. Even someone with a small build would have a hard time getting out of that.

122 “It’ll only buy us some time, but it’ll be enough for us to leg it! Helper-kun, we can’t do anything more tonight with this ruckus, so let’s call this off for now!” As Chris spoke, she pulled out the dagger from her back and looked around, probably intending to use it to break a window and escape. “Hey, wait, I want to do something about this tonight! I’m being kicked out of the royal capital tomorrow!” Chris’ face stiffened with concern at my words. “B-But still... A Thief and an Adventurer like us don’t stand a chance in a fight! Since when are you the perseverant type!?” At that, I suddenly realised. Why am I so desperate about this? I’m not hot-blooded, nor am I some chosen hero. Calm down, me, you’re supposed to be cooler than this. Yeah. I’m just going to back to Axel and spend my time having fun. I won’t try any harder, I’ll just run and go back to my mansion, take it easy—

Even as I tried to argue the case to myself, the memories of my days spent with Iris spun in my mind like a revolving light. How I would tease her and spoil her mood. How her eyes would light up when I told her the story of when we purified the lich we met in the dungeon. How I would goad her into snatching food from the dining hall, and even though she looked embarrassed when Claire would scold her, she would still stay there and endure the lecturing with me with a smile on her face. How she would believe any half-baked lie I came up with and boastfully spread it to her entire entourage, only to come back crying, humiliated and furious at me. And the words she said to me, when she answered my question—

«I have never met one such as yourself before. While everyone else waits on me, you alone had the courage to be blunt, and rude, and teach even a royal such as me all manner of curious things, and boldly challenge me without restraint...» Those words didn’t sound like praise at all. «Yes, I was telling you why I like you.» But that girl liked me just because of how I was.

—I don’t understand why I’m so gripped by her. And I still don’t really understand why Iris is so fond of me. After a few years, Iris will be a proper princess of marrying age anyway. At that point, she probably wouldn’t even be allowed to meet with some suspicious guy like me face to face. No, from the moment I leave this palace, all ties will be severed. That means tonight is the last time I can play her beloved elder brother.

123 “Helper-kun, we really have to go! Even if you go back to Axel, I promise I’ll manage something, even if it might take a while!” It’s all the more reason... “Chief, I...” All I’ve been doing until now is letting myself get taken wherever the wind blew me. I won’t say next time. I won’t say tomorrow.

Yes—

“I’m going to get serious, right now.” “...Helper-kun?”

“—We’re through the wire! The thieves are... Still there, not running!” After they managed to cut through the wire, there was nothing between us and the soldiers. “You’ll regret coming here, damn bandits! Leave just one of them alive! We’ll have to interrogate him to find out what they were after!” a man who looked like the commanding officer threatened, swinging a drawn sword around. One of the men standing vigilant of us told him: “Captain, one of them is carrying a dagger, the other is unarmed. Er, shall we capture the weaker, unarmed one?” The man called captain nodded. “Yes, the silver-haired one seems strong. Very well, show that one no mercy! Two of you should be enough to handle that masked weakling!” —I don’t know what’s gotten into me tonight. Could it be because I made up my mind to get serious? “They’re villainous scum. No need to take them in in one piece!” I’m in top form. “They’re not moving. ...Oi, intruders! If you wish to surrender, now is the time! Behave yourselves and we might spare your lives at least. Now, come quietly...”

—The man called captain took up guard against me with his sword. “...... ” As I silently held out my hand as if to shake his, he looked at it and lowered the tip of his sword just slightly. “Oh? You surrender, do you? Good. You too, silver-haired lad, drop your weapon! Only then will weeeeaAAAAAAHHHHHHH!?” Raising a shriek the moment he grabbed my hand, his body trembled before falling to the ground. “Wha-!?” x? Everyone who happened to be there... Even Chris, they all gasped. The one they called captain had a fair bit of stamina. But aside from Darkness’ monster-like amount of stamina, a well-executed Drain Touch can make anyone drop in a matter of seconds.

124 “W-What the hell did you do, bastard!?” With their commander collapsed on the ground in front of them, the other soldiers took a step back. Seeing them, I—! “Fuhahahahahaha! I’m great! I’m at my best!! I don’t know why but I’m in perfect form! Tonight, I’ll show you what I’m really capable of!” “H-Helper-kun!? You’re acting really weird! What’s gotten into you!?” I rushed at the soldiers—! 3 “Chief! The stairs to the top floor are to the right around that corner!” “O-Okay, got it! B-But, helper-kun? You feel different from before... Even your voice sounds different; what’s gotten into you!?” Running side-by-side with Chris, I heard the same voices shouting out from behind. But there was a small difference... “Thieves! A couple of master thieves have broken in! Call the best adventurers!” “Listen to me; whatever you do, don’t take them on alone! The enemies are skilled! Even if it doesn’t seem like they’re trying to kill us, make sure you never let your guard down!” “Commander, sir, come this way! You have to get to safety, please!” “B-But we cannot let that masked man get away...!” With me being in top form, the soldiers were thrown into an odd panic. Oho, enemy dead ahead! “Ora ora, the Silver-haired bandits gang is coming through! Clear the way if you know what’s good for you!” “Helper-kun, when did we decide on that name!? Now that things have gotten noisy, I’ll let you be the chief so you can call us the masked bandit gang or something...!” I faced the uncertain soldier bracing his sword against me...! “«Wind Breath».” “Guwah!? Damn it, sneaky little... AAAAAAAAA!?” I scattered the coarse bits of dirt I held clenched in my hand with wind magic. I grabbed the arm of the blinded soldier and, while holding his weapon in place, used Drain Touch. He went down in a mere few seconds after coming into contact, and as if nothing happened, I... “Pass on the masked bandits gang. It makes me sound like the ringleader, so no.” “Well I don’t like being thought of as the ringleader either! I never planned to just throw a name around all over the place, but now I get the feeling I’ll draw attention just because of my hair! Also what even is that skill that you keep using!?” I obviously can’t say it’s a lich skill. “It’s my special technique. Like any good special technique, the details are secret. Anyway, if a magic user showed up not even I could defend... And, speak of the devil, now there’s a mage-looking guy right there. Your turn, chief!”

125 A group of soldiers who looked like they had just been woken up stood in our way. Two of them wearing armour, one wearing a robe. “Leave it to me! I can handle that one with one of my skills...! «Skill Bind»!” Before the robed sorcerer could even begin chanting a spell, Chris activated a skill. “«Lightning»! ...W-Wha-!?” The sorcerer stood dumbfounded when his magic didn’t go off. As I ran, I took out a rope; “«Bind»!” And threw it at the two soldiers. Charged with magic by the skill, the rope seemed almost like it had a mind of its own as it bound the two of them together and stopped them from moving. This skill Chris taught me is coming in very handy at a time like this. Though, such a powerful skill is bottlenecked by its considerable mana cost...! I closed in on the roped men and used Drain Touch on them to drain mana until they passed out. After spending a good chunk of mana to cast the Bind, I got my mana back to full again in no time. “He did it again! What’s with him!? He doesn’t even have a weapon!” “Where are those adventurers!? How long until they get here!?” The soldiers were almost shrieking at this point. “W-Well... Since the drinks at the party were so expensive, the adventurers made the most of it and now most of them are passed out drunk...” “This is why I hate adventurers!” Hearing that exchange from behind me made me relieved. A bunch of high level adventurers would clearly be more than I could handle. “Knights and soldiers are countered by these Thief skills! What can we do!?” “Bind isn’t supposed to be the kind of skill you can just keep using without running out of mana...! Maybe he’s carrying a lot of manatite...!?” “I haven’t seen him use any though!? That must mean...” “That thief must have as much mana as a Crimson Magic kin...!” I heard the soldiers say from behind. Their impression of me keeps getting more and more exaggerated, when all I’m doing is using Drain Touch to drain mana. In the meantime... “Aah!? Damn it, don’t let them get to the top floor! We don’t know what they’re after, but that’s where Iris-sama is...!” We were dashing for the top floor, where Iris was. “«Wire Trap»! «Wire Trap»! «WIRE TRAP»!” Chris stuck wires on the entrance to the stairwell.

126 “Right, this’ll keep them off us for a while! Now, all that’s left...!” Then, just as Chris was letting out a sigh of relief. “—All that’s left is to catch you and find out what you came for. ...Who are you? The infamous honourable thief?” Turning to face the voice from behind me, it was Mitsurugi, in full kit. And also... “Thought you could cut us off, did you. Damned intruders, you’ll go no further!” Giving that declaration were Claire and Lain, wearing stern faces. Even worse, surrounding us and watching our every move along with the nobles was a large number of knights. 4 “What should we do, helper-kun? We can’t fight against this many!” Chris whispered, with a shrill voice. At a glance, it doesn’t seem like there are any magic users here aside from Lain. With Mitsurugi at the front, the knights slowly advanced on us with their swords drawn. Behind them, Claire was looking at us with a triumphant face. The other nobles must’ve also thought they had already won, as they watched the capture waiting to happen with excitement. “Claire-san, I have heard that that masked man is a formidable foe. He may not be armed, but there is no telling what he’ll do when driven into a corner. I will apprehend him myself, so please have the knights handle the silver-haired boy.” “...Hey, helper-kun, they keep calling me ‘lad’ and ‘boy’. Do I really look that boyish just by covering my mouth?” “I think your slender build has more to do with it, chief. ...Chief, this isn’t the time to get self-conscious, keep it together. This is the crucial moment.” As I probably delivered the killing blow, I tried to comfort the already visibly depressed Chris then turned to face Mitsurugi. He was keeping his sword up vigilantly, and never took his eyes off me for even a moment. “Chief, at times like this, if you beat the strongest guy the others will lose their nerve. Being in top form like I am now, I’m going to take out that ikemen shitstain in a second. Then, while the others are still in shock, we break through them.” “Y-You know, I can hear you. Is that ‘ikemen shitstain’ supposed to refer to me? And ‘take me out’...? You underestimate me, on top of being unarmed. Very well, I will show how what I can..." Before Mitsurugi finished talking, I stuck my hand out towards the enchanted sword. Seeing that, Mitsurugi dropped low and gripped the handle, prepared to draw and slash in a single motion. Being an advanced class and a high level adventurer as well, even if I stole his sword and used Drain Touch on him, Mitsurugi could probably hold out for quite some while.

127 “Are you preparing to use Steal? How unfortunate. Ever since I lost to a certain man, I’ve taken measures against Steal by carrying plenty of dummy targets. Now, it’s not too late to surrender and come...” “«Freeze».” Cutting Mitsurugi off, I cast freezing magic. What I cast was just an elementary level spell, so Mitsurugi just assumed it was a distraction and maintained his stance, without even as much as a shiver. Then, as I casually approached him... “What are you playing at? Take this...!?” As he tried to draw his sword and slash at me, Mitsurugi was surprised to find that the guard of his magic sword was frozen to the scabbard and wouldn’t come out. In that instant where his guard was down, I grabbed him by the nose and mouth with both hands...! “«Create Water»!” “Gbahguh!?” As I began to force water into his mouth, Mitsurugi looked like he was about to drown and grabbed my arms in a panic. “Want to admit defeat and back off?” At my words, Mitsurugi desperately tried to hold out, trying to catch a breath through his mouth and clenching a fist...! “«Freeze»!” “Khah!?” Before he could throw a punch at me, I froze his nose and mouth, making him twitch. “Mitsurugi-dono!?” As Claire shrieked, I let go of Mitsurugi and he fell to his knees, clutching at his throat. “If you hurry and thaw him right now he won’t suffocate! Now, if anyone else fancies themselves stronger than this guy, come at me! ...Now, chief! We’re breaking through!” “I really can’t tell if you’re strong or weak. All I know is I don’t want to get on your bad side.” When I brought down Mitsurugi in an instant, just as I had declared, the knights backed off in awe. I and Chris, who was making rather carefree comments given the situation, ran right past them. “Lain, hurry and thaw Mitsurugi-dono’s throat, do whatever it takes! And you lot, do something! Why are you missing!? Are you just going to let them go just because Mitsurugi-dono was downed!?” “But those two have high evasion; they must be using the Flee skill! If they’re trying to run there isn’t anything we can...! Oi, split into two groups! The thieves shouldn’t know the layout of the palace! You men, surround them!” “Everyone, I beg you, remain calm! The thieves will be apprehended right away, so please do not panic!” As we dashed towards the nobles, they began rushing in all directions in terror, slowing the knights down.

128 Taking advantage of the chaos, Chris and I used Bind on the knights who got in our way. They assumed we couldn’t know the layout of the inside in detail, but I didn’t spend countless hours wandering around this place for nothing. If we can just get through here, then we’ll...! “Helper-kun, behind! Something’s coming!” Chris warned, and when I looked behind me I saw Lain, having finished treating Mitsurugi, pointing her staff at us and incanting some spell. “Iris-sama is ahead! It would be better to kill them than let them get any further! We will resort to Aqua-dono’s Resurrect if we have to!! Lain, don’t hold back!” As Claire shouted in a panic, the gemstone on the end of Lain’s staff gave off an odd glow. I took my bow off my back, and shot an arrow at the tip of the staff! “«Snipe»!” “Hih!?” Lain let out a small yelp as the tip of her staff broke off. Seeing that, Claire and the knights’ were left stunned. “Who the hell is he!? Why is someone so skilled a thief!?” Claire groaned in frustration, as she saw the two of us run off. 5 “—Iris’ room is just ahead of here. Chief, put up a wire trap here, please.” “You got it, helper-kun. I’m running low on mana, so this is the last one.” As we entered into the hallway leading to Iris’ room, we laid a trap for the knights following us. Since we made full use of the Flee skill to cover a lot of ground quickly, our pursuers were left quite some distance behind us. We stood in front of Iris’ room, and opened the door...! “You have done well to this far, intruders. To protect the people, the kingdom, and the royal family is the duty of House Dustiness. As long as I am here...”

We slowly closed the door.

“Don’t shut the door on me! What on earth have you bastards come here for...” Darkness slammed the door open, but froze when she saw us. It’s okay, our cover isn’t blown yet! “C-C-Chief, stop shaking, we have to accomplish our mission! It doesn’t matter how strong this female knight looks, you can’t lose your nerve now! We’re doing this for the kingdom!” “Y-Y-Y-You’re right, helper-kun! We’re doing this for the kingdom! We can’t tell anyone about it but this is all for the greater good!!” “Exactly, chief! The people here have no idea the kind of dangerous thing their princess has around her neck! Boy, things would sure be bad if we hadn’t shown up!”

129 Darkness’ face went very stiff at our expositional exchange, but it’s okay, she couldn’t have found us out! “Helper-kun, let’s break into that room! We can both apologise together afterwards!” “Let’s! I mean, if we just explain the situation I’m sure everyone will understand!” “O-Oi...! Y-Y-You two....” “Darkness, what is going on? I know I said a speech before the fight is essential, but you should keep it brief.” We couldn’t see because of Darkness standing in our way, but it seemed Megumin was in the room as well. “Please move out of the way. I can handle a thief or two! I may not have recovered enough mana to use magic, but I am confident in my fighting ability! Just today I took on three thugs af...ter...all...” After we had made our way into the room, the staff-wielding Megumin also stood frozen. We’re good, we’re still good! Megumin is smart, so I’m sure that even if she figures out that it’s us...! “S-So cool...!” As long as we explain that the god item Iris has is dangerous... Wha? As she stared straight at me, Megumin blushed and trembled slightly. “What shall we do, Darkness!? This honourable thief really gets it! That awesome mask, and those dark clothes too! What is your name!? Have you come up with a name for your band of thieves!?” I don’t think we need to worry about her figuring it out. Megumin’s eyes glowed as she shook Darkness, and she suddenly snapped back to reality. “...D-Damn you, foul thieves... Um, I, of house Dustiness... will not let you get away...” Assuming a feeble posture, Darkness droned on in a forced monotone. I guess she figured out what we’re after and decided to help us. Darkness’ clenched fists trembled, as if she was desperately trying to hold something in. Oh man, how is she supposed to explain this afterwards? Well, for her own good as well, I should bind her. “«Bind»!” I shot the skill towards Darkness, and as the rope wound around her she let out a slightly relieved sigh. Now she’ll be able to use the excuse that she was powerless to do anything... “«Sacred Spell Break»!” Aqua’s voice echoed through the room. The spell on Darkness was undone, and the rope came loose. “Too bad for you! Your luck’s run out now that I’m here! I don’t know what you’re after, but I’m sure I’ll get some expensive booze if I catch you guys! As you can see, none of your skills will work as long as I’m here! Now, come quietly!” Still holding onto her precious bottle of liquor, Aqua came out from a corner of the room.

130 God damn it, she chooses now of all times to suddenly start being useful! How is it even possible for her to never, ever take a hint!? “Now, Darkness, grab ‘em! Megumin is being a wuss for some reason, so you’re the only one who can do it!” Incited by Aqua, Darkness was forced to begin drawing her sword, almost in tears, as we heard the footsteps of knights approaching from behind. “Chief! We can’t stick around any longer because of that idiot! Iris is in the back! Let’s run past and use Steal to...!” “Steal the god item, right!? But, your Steal is...” Yes, for some unexplained reason, my Steal has a very high probability of stealing undergarments when used against female targets. Then, at that moment; we heard cursing coming from behind us. “Hurry and cut that wire! The thieves are after Iris-sama!” Time is running out, and fast. This might hurt Iris, but if it means the probability of stealing the item goes up even slightly...! “W-With a single almighty horizontal slash, I shall send you fools to your doom!” With a booming declaration, Darkness gave a weak horizontal swing of her sword. Slipping under the blade, Chris and I rushed into the back of the room. “Darkness, why are you such a nitwit!? Why would you tell your enemy what kind of attack you’re going to use!? This is why everyone calls you the muscle-brained girl!” “...*Sniff*” Darkness teared up as she was being scolded by the actual nitwit who couldn’t figure it out. Next to her, Megumin looked at me with a yearning look as if she was watching a superhero... And, from the back of the room; Iris appeared, holding an ornate rapier low in her right hand, and pointing her left hand at us. On her outstretched left hand, a ring glowed with a white light that grew brighter and brighter...! “Intruders! I am one of the royal family, whose blood is infused with the power of generations of great heroes! You shall not simply make... off...” Though she was prepared to fight, Iris’ eyes opened wide in surprise when she saw us. As the light from her ring dimmed, so did her voice become quiet.

Now’s our chance! “«STEAL»!!” x2 My and Chris’ Steals both stole something Iris had on her person.

131 132 “Iris-sama! Are you unharmed!?” At the same time, we heard Claire’s voice from behind. Damn it, I don’t even have time to check what I stole! “Helper-kun, jump from the terrace! Luckily there’s a pool below us! If we just land in it...!” Clutching something in her hand, Chris shouted as she slipped past Iris...! “From all that, I figured that’s what you’re after! I don’t know what that thing is, but don’t think I’ll let you get away with it!” Aqua stuck a hand out towards Chris’ back. She’s stupid up to the very end! “SSSSSSSSEAL!!” “SON OF A BIIIIITCH!”

Aiming straight for the pitch dark pool, Chris and I jumped from the terrace—!

133 Finale: To Become a Real Elder Brother

The morning of the next day. The entire capital was noisy for that night. After all, two notorious honourable thieves broke into the palace and stole a magical item from the princess. On a night when a great number of skilled adventurers were staying there, no less. The criminal exploits of the silver-haired boy and the masked man became the subject on everyone’s lips in the royal capital in a flash.

—And now, today; Something terrible is going on in my room as well. “D-D-D-Darkness, I’m begging you, please calm dooooown! I had a good reason, I sweaaaaar! It’s gonna break, it’s gonna break, you’re going to split my head open!” “Oi, listen to us! If you just listen you’ll go ‘Oh, okay, I guess you had no choice then’! Please just listen! Any more and someone’s going to die, I swear!” “I’m listening, I’m listening! Oh, I’m all ears! This is just my pre-explanation-hearing warm-up! Depending on what you say, maybe I’ll actually spare actually putting the screws on you!” Darkness called me and Chris to a room of the inn, and was using her iron claw on both of us. “Darkness, D-Darkness! I can’t talk! Hey, I can’t talk like this!” “Please stop! I was just doing what Chris told me, she’s the ringleader, she’s the chief!” Applying a crushing grip to both our foreheads, just barely keeping herself from using her full force, Darkness had an almost terrifyingly serious look on her face. “Y-You are such a jerk! Ow ow ow ow ow ow! N-No, Darkness, listen! It was helper- kun who went too far! Sure I was the one who brought it up in the first place, but I told him we should back out if things got loud, and he was the one who decided to just break through!” “Aw come on, chief! I’ve only been in the gang for a day, and I’m just some crony!” “Shut up! The ‘gang’ is just the two of us! You can’t even have cronies when it’s just two people!” Sat in seiza on the floor, and still having our temples crushed, Chris and I frantically tried to shift the blame on each other. Regardless, Darkness still wore the kind of furious face I had never seen from her before. “Oi.” “!?” x2 Her single word put an immediate end to our fighting. “Talk.”

134 We confessed honestly to every detail.

“—I can’t believe you two... Why didn’t you tell me? You should’ve just told me all about it from the beginning and we could have done things properly instead of going through with that stupid scheme.” Darkness let out a deep sigh after hearing out explanation. “Even if we did, we’re talking about a god item that lets you switch bodies, you know? That thing could let someone live forever depending on how they used it. I was in a hurry to go and tell the grownups about this when I first heard about it too, but that’s when Chris told me the more important the higher-ups the more likely they are to want it for themselves. She said even royalty might want to abuse it.” “I-I didn’t think it would be a problem if we told you though, Darkness! I wanted to ask you for help but helper-kun said ‘Oi don’t you dare! Darkness is nobility, you know! If the other nobles find out who you are her reputation will get ruined!’, you know!?” “Ah! W-Why you-!” Seeing us starting to argue again, Darkness let out another sigh. “Well, what’s done is done now. You two are lucky I’m the only one who found out the truth. Chris, you’re going to draw attention with your silver hair. You should leave and go back to Axel as soon as possible. As for Kazuma... You’re coming with me to the palace right now.” “Eh!? ...Aah, my head sure hurts after you’ve been crushing it! Sorry, but I’m going to have to take some time off...” “Spare me your amateur theatrics and come with me! We have to go see Megumin and Aqua, and say our farewells to Iris-sama too!” “I know, but, going to that palace that’s kind of been on high alert since last night...! Who knows when something might give me away, and even if they just suspect me they’ll bring in that magical thing that goes ding when you lie and I’ll get into all sorts of trouble!” Seeing me being dragged away by my arm, Chris scratched at the scar on her cheek and put on a forced smile. “W-Well, good luck, helper-kun! Also, I left the god item we stole somewhere where nobody’s ever going to find it, so don’t worry about that. W-Well, I’d better be going...” “...Hold it, Chris.” “!? W-What is it!?” A shiver ran through Chris as she was about to sneak out of the room. “Is this all you’ve been hiding from me? There isn’t anything else I should know, is there?” “...Umm.” “There is, isn’t there!? What, what are you hiding!? I’ve known you for a long time. I know your tick when you get in trouble! You scratch at that scar on your cheek, just like you’re doing now! Spill it! What are you still keeping from me!?”

135 As Chris was being interrogated, she timidly looked to me as if asking for help. It’s not like I can think of anything else Chris is hiding, so maybe I should back her up here... Then, she pointed a finger at me. “Helper-kun stole another treasure besides the god item!” “AAAAAH!? YOU TRAITOR!!” “You stole something else!? That just makes you an actual thief! Out with it! What the hell did you take!?” Very reluctantly, I took out a book and handed it over. Darkness flipped through the pages. “You are such a...” As Darkness fell to the floor weakly, Chris mumbled: “Ah... Right, you did steal that too, didn’t you.” “Eh?” “...Oh? What, there’s more?” Darkness stood up once again, and stuck her hand out towards me. Another treasure I stole? What is she...? “-Wait, aah! Oooh, you mean this. This is from when I used Steal on Iris.” As I spoke, I handed over the thing I had stolen from Iris. It was the ring she had on at the time. From the light it was giving off when she was about to attack me and Chris, I figured it was some kind of magic item. First, Darkness frowned as she looked at the ring in the palm of her hand, then: “...!? T-T-Th-Th...!? This, you stole from Iris-sama!?” “Y-Yeah, I did... What? Stop with that reaction. That makes me more worried than if you got angry! It’s not a huge deal, is it!? Come on, you’re just trying to scare me, aren’t you!?” Darkness stood staring at the ring in shock for a while before slowly handing it back to me. “Listen carefully, Kazuma. Whatever you do, do not lose that ring and do not show it to anyone. You will have to take it with you to the grave.” “Oi stop that! If it’s that big a deal let’s just say we found it lying around and give it back right now!” “You fool! This is something children of the royal family are given to wear at all times ever since birth, and only to remove when giving it to their betrothed before marriage. To have it just be found by some adventurer on the street after being stolen...! Even if you bring it back with the best intentions, they’ll probably want you silenced forever.” “What the hell, that’s scary! Ah, Chris! Where do you think you’re going!? You need to take responsibility for getting me involved and sneak into Iris’ room to put this back!”

136 “No way, that’s way too scary! Why does your Steal always take stuff it shouldn’t anyway!? Also, that’s new, Darkness. I never thought I’d hear you suggest hiding evidence like this. You used to be so stubborn, but I guess you’ve gotten better at making your way in the world... I think helper-kun might be rubbing off on you.” “Wha-...!? W-Wait, I don’t feel like I’ve changed that much! Have I!? Should I be worried about being a bad influence on Iris-sama!?” Ignoring the somewhat shocked Darkness, I held the ring up to the light. “...Oh well. I guess I’ll bury it in the garden once we get back to the mansion or something. Nobody should find it then.” “Don’t be stupid! That ring is a priceless item Iris-sama has worn since she was born! You need to look after it better than your own life, and never leave it out of your grasp! And make sure nobody sees it either!” “What kind of bet did I lose to deserve this!? All right, fine, just give me back my other treasure. It’s too late to return that to the palace too, right?” “...... ” x2 At my words, the two of them looked at each other for a while—

—When I arrived with Darkness at the palace, I was no more than a shambling corpse who had experienced hell on earth. “Come on, enough already, just walk! You need to look sharp for Iris-sama, don’t you!?” “Uu... Uu... Whyyy... Why did you have to burn it... I just saved the kingdom from a secret crisis, and that was the only reward I had to show for iiiiit...” “Oh stop crying already, what kind of man are you? This lighter device you came up with sure came in useful. Umu, this is an excellent tool.” “That isn’t what I made it fooor.... Uu... Uu... My treasuuuureee...” With the two of them having burned the book I had planned to make my family heirloom, all motivation left me. Chris was going to leave the royal capital before they organised a large-scale hunt for the silver-haired thief. She said she might come back to Axel if she feels like it, so we might run into her again. At the end of it all, I have to admit it was a bit fun being in a duo with her. Maybe we can actually become a proper band of thieves once I’m found out and get a bounty on my head. Those were the thoughts that went through my mind as I followed behind Darkness, until she eventually stopped in front of the door to Iris’ room. “...I’d hate having to go through with this with the way you are now. I will explain about the god item myself, so you just wait here.” “...What did you even bring me for then? I’m emotionally distraught, okay? If you bring me all this way and then leave me alone, there’s no telling what I’ll do inside the palace.” “Are you a child!? Fine, just don’t complicate things! We will explain the danger of the god item and say that the honourable thief was trying to protect Iris-sama, and nothing else. Don’t let anything slip or there’ll be trouble, understand!?”

137 I shoved Darkness aside as she was trying to desperately trying to warn me and opened the door on my own. “You fool! Don’t you even knock!? ...Iris-sama, it is I, Dustiness! There is something urgent we must discuss!”

Darkness and I walked in, and there was—

“Well, for me it was a piece of cake! So, since I sealed that dangerous god item real tight, it can’t be used anymore. So there’s nothing to worry about! Man, that stupid thief had no idea what he was getting his hands on!” “Being Crimson Magic kin and thus an expert on magical implements, I can confirm. I doubt anyone will ever be able to use that god item ever again. So, case closed!” Aqua and Megumin, who hadn’t done much of anything this time around, were reclining smugly in front of Iris-sama. “I should expect nothing less from Aqua-dono and Megumin-dono! Why, I feel so much at ease now. What you have told me about that magical tool was truly chilling, Aqua-dono.” Lain let out a relieved sigh and smiled. “...Still, what do you suppose those honourable thieves were after? From what rumour says, they do not seem like they would misuse such a god item... Mm? Dustiness-kyou and... Oh, you.” And Claire spat out another spiteful remark as usual. It looks like Aqua already explained about how dangerous the god item was. “We have looked into the matter of the god item and discovered it to be an incredibly dangerous item so we have come to report this, however... It seems there is no need for that anymore, is there?” Since there was no need to come up with a story anymore, Darkness let out a sigh of relief in front of Iris and the others. “...It could be that those gentlemen came in order to aid me. Perhaps they knew the truth of the necklace and believed it too dangerous to let anyone else know, lest it be misused...” In the middle of the room, surrounded by everyone, Iris looked straight at me for some reason as she spoke...... Is it what I think it is? She figured out who the thief really was? “Iris-sama, surely you are overthinking matters. However gallant these thieves may be, not even they would risk their lives infiltrating the royal palace with such an aim.” Claire closed her eyes in annoyance as she spoke. “...Though, if that were true, I must admit they are great men indeed...” she continued, still frustrated albeit with a hint of respect in her voice. My fondness for Claire went up just slightly, from rock bottom.

138 “Still, who do you suppose those two were? I happen to be well informed of many high level adventurers, but I could not hazard a guess as to who could possess that level of skill. That masked man especially... I only had the opportunity to face against him for a brief moment, but in that time he brilliantly managed to hit my staff from an impressive distance.” Huh? What’s this? I’m getting that strange embarrassed feeling like when someone is praising you in public. “Ah, that masked man!? He was so cool! That masked and those dark clothes appealed to something deep inside me! I would love to get his autograph if I ever see him again!!” “M-Megumin-dono, we are still referring to a criminal... Nevertheless, that masked thief was impressive... He even defeated Mitsurugi-dono unarmed in a blink, and many of the palace knights had been brought down by him...” Megumin and Claire exchanged words, then both sighed. Oh man, I really want to brag about that being me now. “Kazuma, what’s wrong with you? What’s with that creepy grin?” Aqua said, still hugging the bottle of liquor from yesterday. I’ve got half a mind to take it from her now. But, at her words, Claire threw me a glare. “Indeed, what reason have you to smile? Unfortunately for you, you’ve missed your long-awaited chance to catch the honourable thief. ...Not that I think someone like you could do anything against that masked man. *Sigh*... I really do wonder why that man chose the path of thieving. Were he not a criminal he would have certainly been welcomed into this house... I hope we see him again someday...” Blushing faintly at just that last part, she showed her feminine side for the first time. I wish she’d make up her mind if she wants to disparage me or praise me. Next to me, Darkness stood silently with an awkward expression. ...Then, Iris approached us briskly. “Truly, that thief really was charming,” she said, looking straight at me. Huh? What’s this now? So did she figure out it was really me after all...? “Even if this may be just my presumption... I believe those gentlemen did what they did out of concern for me. I... may have fallen for that gentleman thief...” Okay, time to come out. When Darkness noticed me about to fetch the mask from my luggage, she frantically pinned my arms behind me. To get her off me, I’ll use Drain Touch...! “I wonder where he is and what he is doing right now... That silver haired chief- sama...” ...or maybe I’ll just slowly put my hand down. I figured that might be it! Then, seeing my odd behaviour, Iris blushed and turned away, her shoulders trembling slightly. ...Oi, you’re laughing at me, aren’t you.

139 Then, as Iris’ shoulders stopped shuddering, she raised her face, looked me in my humiliated eyes, and said with a shaky voice: “...O-Onii-sama, I... have a request.” “I-Iris-sama?” At her unusual tone, Claire raised her voice in bewilderment. Aside from forcibly taking me with her, Iris has never asked for anything selfish until now. She seemed to resolve herself, putting on a serious expression and clenching her fists. Just when she was about to say something; “Iris-sama. Before you make your request, I would like to ask something of you.” Darkness interrupted her with those words. As all eyes turned to her, Darkness got down on one knee and glanced at me. “This Satou Kazuma is a man who has defeated a great number of the Demon King’s generals. Moreover, he may be the one who will one day defeat the Demon King himself. That will no doubt come with much hardship, beyond what any common man would have to face... May I please ask that you say a few words to someone who is to be faced with such trials?” What the hell is she going on about? I’m going to defeat who now? “...Defeat the Demon King? Truly? Onii-sama, are you truly determined to vanquish the Demon King?” You too, Iris? Saying that with such a straight face? That’s obviously never going to happ... “W-Well, if I ever get a chance to, maybe I’ll...think... about... it?” As I looked into Iris’ eyes, I could only give a vague answer. Behind me, Claire snorted sarcastically at my words. But... “I see... I am certain you can do it, onii-sama. Please do your best against the Demon King. ...May fortune smile upon you in battle, onii-sama!” As Iris proclaimed, a smile coming over her entire face, everyone fell silent.

—Well, except for one.

“Ugh, enough with the onii-sama, onii-sama already! You have a real big brother, do you not? You should just be intimate with him instead. The way you keep saying it somehow makes me feel threatened and annoys me! I will one day bury the Demon King myself, so there is no reason for Kazuma to do it!”

For some reason, Megumin suddenly blurted out that nonsense, burning with rage. “O-Onii-sama is my onii-sama, so there is nothing wrong with me calling onii-sama onii-sama! And it would not mean anything if you defeat the Demon King! I want my onii-sama to defeat him!” “Now you keep saying right after I told you to stop! Is it a fight you are asking for!?”

140 “A-Are you prepared to face me!? R-Royalty are strong, I’ll have you know!” Darkness and Claire rushed to stop the two as they began pulling at each other. “Come on, Megumin, stop it! You suddenly became friends with Iris-sama yesterday and now you’re going fight with her!?” “Iris-sama, I beg you to calm your nerves! You have never been one to squabble; what has gotten into you!?” In order to change the subject, I brought back the topic from before to the panting Iris. “...So, what did you want to ask me? Go ahead, you can ask for anything.” I had more than a bit of hope riding on that request of hers. Judging by her reaction before, she might just ask me to stay in the palace after all...! “My request... My request is...” Even though she was the one who said she wanted to ask me something, for some reason Iris stood and thought about it for a while.

“We have not concluded our game yet. Please, one day, let us play again.”

She said with a childlike, mischievous look on her face—

141 142 Interlude: The Greedy Noble and the Broken Demon

From the dank and mouldy cellar, an erratic wheezing breath could be heard. No matter how often I hear it, it never gets any more pleasant. “Oi, Max. ...Wake up, Max!” The one making that disturbing sound stood up as if nothing happened after I kicked it awake. “Hyeehh... Hyeehh... W-What is it, Aldarp? Do you have business with me? Aah, what a pleasant emotion you’re giving off today, Aldarp!” I couldn’t help but think he was mocking me with those words, so I kicked the demon once more. Demon. Yes, this disgusting man is a demon. At a glance he looked like a frightfully handsome young man, but his face showed no emotion, and he always had a disturbingly eerie air about him. “Who in their right mind would come to see you if they had no business with you? ...You have work to do. Not only did some thief make off with my god item, but they sealed it as well. Go and bring it back, and undo the seal as well. Understand?” “Hyeehh... Hyeehh... Aldarp, Aldarp! That’s impossible, Aldarp! I don’t know where the god item is, and it should be impossible for someone to seal it. If it really is sealed, there is nothing I can... gh!?” As the demon began to make his excuses, I gave it a hard kick. “Can’t you even do that, you worthless shit!? When are you going to fulfil my wish!? Lalatina! Bring me Lalatina! Why can’t you even do something so simple!?” “Hyeehh... Hyeehh... Hyeehh... Hyeehh...” As I kicked it again and again, the disgusting demon just crouched down covering its head. This demon is an idiot. It is a hopeless idiot. It doesn’t even have any memory, so it immediately forgets what I order it to do. *Sigh*... I have to do whatever it takes to get that god item back. Everything had been going so well that I became complacent. I never should have been so greedy as to aim for the prince’s body from the start. With the prince betrothed to Lalatina, I could have had it all if I had just taken over his body. I was a fool to jump at the opportunity to seize everything all at once. Now some damned thief has taken away my god item. I could have had the prince’s body and then everything would have been mine if I had only recited that incantation the moment I gave it to him. I could spend all my years lamenting over it, but now I must find that god item.

143 Aah, if only I had known I would have just taken my son Walther’s body instead... If I never get that god item back, I will have adopted that fool for nothing. And after all I went through to find such a handsome child. If that damned marriage interview with Walther succeeded, there wouldn’t have been any reason for me to go so far and take this risk...! “Lalatina! Lalatina! You belong to me, Lalatina! You have no idea how long I’ve been watching you, Lalatina!” Letting my anger at losing the god item get the best of me, I shouted out in the dim basement. “Hyeehh hyeehh! Hyeehh hyeegh! You are wonderful, Aldarp! You are honest with your greed, and so vicious! I love you, Aldarp! I want to make your wish come true and earn my prize already, Aldarp! Now, tell me what you want me to do, Aldarp! Tell me your wish, Aldarp! Aldarp!” the foul demon cried. What’s wrong with it, really? The incompetent demon’s memory is so bad it forgets what I ask it no matter how many times I tell it. If it wasn’t so easy to avoid paying the price for, I would summon some other monster instead.

The round gemstone in my hand... I turned the god item in my hand, the one that lets me summon random monsters and enslave them.

“I have only one wish! Bring me Lalatina! She belongs to me!”

For the umpteenth time, I repeated my wish towards the disgusting demon.

144 Epilogue 1: —A Hero’s Reward—

As the magic circle Lain incanted for the Teleport spell vanished, the place around me fell silent. I was astonished by how much of a difference not having those people around made. “Iris-sama... Please, try not to let your spirit sink too much...” Claire said to me, as I gazed at where the magic circle used to be. “I am well aware how much joy and amusement that man’s arrival has brought you, however... He has always belonged to a different world. Becoming too attached to a man will surely only bring you sorrow when the time comes for your marriage. I will accept any rebuke, but please, try to understand...” she said, as she cast her eyes downward and bowed deeply. Next to her, even Lain bowed her head. “I am fine. Raise your heads.” At my words, the two slowly lifted their faces. Seeing their pained expressions, I came to understand well how much they cared for my wellbeing, and how resolute they were. I bear no resentment towards them. There was no need for such hateful sentiments after all. I held my left hand to the sky, and gazed at my finger. A single spot on my left ring finger was of a lighter colour than the rest of my hand. Only because of the ring I had worn for such a long time, that was the only part that had not been touched by the sun... “...! O-Our deepest apologies! It was our ineptitude that has led to your precious ring being stolen...!” “We shall accept any punishment to atone for our grievous error...!” Seeing me staring at the mark left by my ring, the two seemed to feel themselves responsible. Though, I am not particularly grief-stricken by the loss of the ring... “You have both done more than enough. Not even the most skilled adventurers in the royal capital staying in the palace could prevent the theft, and had it been anyone else in your place I believe the ring would have been stolen regardless. I shall speak to Father once he returns so that you are spared chastisement. So, dwell not too deeply on it.” At my words, Claire began to shrink into herself. Claire may be outstanding, but she tends to be overly diligent. She could stand to spend some time with him, and learn to be more indulgent. Yes, just like Lalatina.

145 “We are not deserving of your words... Not only have you lost you precious ring, but you have had to part with that man as well...... Iris-sama, should that man once more defeat a general of the Demon King or some such, there may be a chance for you to meet with him again...” With a remorseful expression, Claire seemed to attempt to comfort me. —Defeat a general of the Demon King. That is by no means a simple feat, but somehow, I believe him capable of achieving it with ease. “Indeed. I believe we may see him again sooner than we think,” I said to Claire with a smile, but her face twisted bitterly. Then, in order to raise my spirits, Lain raised her voice cheerfully: “Still, after having watched Iris-sama these past days, I had prepared myself to hear a selfish demand when it came time for Kazuma-sama to leave... Though it seemed like a more painless farewell than I had imagined. I had apprehensions about Kazuma-sama’s influence on Her Highness, though it seems my fears were quite unfounded.” With that, she promptly created an air of levity. “But of course. Onii-sama made a promise, after all.” I smiled towards them. “A promise...? Aah, the one about finishing the game next time? Iris-sama, please do your best to triumph over that man!” That was the promise Claire seemed to think of, however...

—Since time immemorial, our kingdom has held a custom. The hero who defeats the Demon King shall be rewarded by taking the princess as his bride—

...I looked at the trace left by the ring once more, and said softly so that the two of them would not hear. “Onii-chan... I hope you take good care of that ring.”

146 Epilogue 2: —A Ring Left in Place of Dreams—

After having had Lain send us home to Axel with a Teleport, we came back to the mansion. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!” As I threw myself onto the sofa, I began to thrash around and scream. Darkness sat on a chair sipping tea, glancing at me. “Oi, be quiet. You’re going to annoy the neighbours. Go out of town if you want to scream.” “Give me a fucking break you bitch! You ruined the best part for me! If you hadn’t said that stupid bullshit about the Demon King I’m sure Iris would’ve asked for something else! Like ‘I want to be with onii-sama’ or ‘I want to go out with onii-sama’ or ‘I want to sleep with onii-sama’!” “You’re really pushing the boundaries now! Don’t forget that Iris-sama is only 12 years old!! Besides, it’s not like she would ever ask for something like that in the first place. The only other thing she could ask for at that time would be something like ‘Please stay in the palace as the court jester’. You’ve only lived with Iris-sama for a week anyway. Are you that confident you can make a girl fall for you in such a short time? Wake up and face reality, will you? ...Here, I’ll pour you some tea so just calm down.” “Don’t you try to pull me back to reality after I spent a dreamlike week living with a princess! I don’t want to listen to reason right now! We only just had to say goodbye, so let me dream a little longer!” Megumin threw a sidelong glance at our arguing as she sat down next to me. “And don’t think you’re off the hook either, Megumin! I know how much of a hothead you are, but you didn’t have to start a fight at the end there!” “That was a battle between rival little sister characters where I cannot concede. Besides, things were going well when we went out in the royal capital, but in the end she did not get a chance to get into a fight with those thugs. You could think of it as my parting gift.” I’d retort by reminding her she’s the loli character or that she shouldn’t teach a princess that sort of thing, but in the end she somehow ended up being good friends with Iris. Being about the same age probably played a part in it. It could be that she’s just faking stoicism after having to say goodbye to a friend. Those thoughts went through my head as I took the tea Darkness poured me, when Megumin took out a piece of paper and began to write something on it. Sneaking a glance from the side, it seemed to be a letter addressed to someone. She must be sending it to Iris. ‘She’s not honest with herself, is she?’ I laughed wryly to myself, sipping on the tea. Aqua cheerfully came in from the kitchen holding a glass and the bottle of liquor she had been cradling, set them down on the table then sat down on the sofa.

147 “What’re you writing there, Megumin? ...Oh, I get it, you’re sending Her Highness a letter? You were talking to her in her room after the party too, weren’t you? She was even calling you Megumin-san; you guys have gotten pretty close, huh?” At that, Megumin put on a stern face as she continued to write. “No, this is a fan letter. I must prepare this in case I ever run into that masked thief.” Darkness and I spat out our tea. “*Cough*...! *Cough*... M-Megumin, did you, uh, really like that masked thief so much? I can’t say I approve of writing a fan letter to an actual criminal, you know?” It doesn’t look like Darkness intends to reveal that the masked thief was actually me. “I believe I’ve made that clear. You see fewer and fewer people with such outlandish taste these days. Such an eccentric is rare even to a Crimson Magic kin. Not only that, but those two infiltrated the royal palace alone and were unstoppable. Does that not just make you want to support him? I couldn’t say I like him romantically, but he is like an inspiring hero who makes you want to root for him.” ...Oh boy. Somehow it’s gotten harder to reveal the truth now. Then, with the sound of a pop, a faintly sweet fragrance began to drift through the living room. Aqua must’ve opened the bottle. “Oi, that smells really nice. Let me have a sip too.” “...I think you mean ‘Aqua-sama, I implore you to let this lowly mortal have a sip’.” ...Okay, I’m stealing it. As I stood up to snatch the bottle, Aqua hurriedly closed it and held it tight to her chest, shrinking like a baby turtle in its shell. “Orah, quit strugglin’ and hand it over!” “NOOO! Stop, have mercy! Please, I’ll do anything, just don’t do this!” Between her pose and her words, at a glance it would seem like I’m doing something really horrible to her. As I was shaking the balled-up Aqua by her shoulders, Darkness tapped me on the shoulder, blushing and fidgeting with her thighs. “...If I pay you, will you please do this kind of play with me too...” “This isn’t some kind of play! Seriously, after how cool you were in the royal capital you’re back to this!? ...Christ. Oi, Aqua!” Since Aqua refused to let up, I offered a compromise. “I’m going to go buy some good liquor from that Michael-san you mentioned in the royal capital. Then we’ll gamble with each of our drinks. And since you sort of pulled your weight this time around, I’ll even give myself a handicap.” Hearing that, Aqua timidly looked up at me. “...Really? That’s pretty big of you Kazuma, to go out to buy drinks just to have something to wager. There’s some kind of catch, isn’t there?” I guess even she learns sometimes. But, all she needs is one more push. And I have something appropriate lined up. “I mean, things turned out pretty well for us this time, didn’t they? We solved the crisis in the royal capital, and even managed to come back safely, so we should celebrate. But that bottle split between three people isn’t going to be enough, is it?”

148 “Please wait a second. Is that one person left out going to be me having to drink juice again? And what do you mean we came back safely? You got killed by kobolds, did you not?” “S-Shut up! We’re all alive and healthy now, so I’d say we came back safely! And also, it’s clearly too soon for you to be drinking, Megumin. I’ll buy some ice cold Neroid for you, so settle for that for now.” As I made light of her age, Megumin slammed the letter she was writing on the table. “I am already old enough to get married! I can handle some stupid alcohol! I could drink you under the table!” That’s an alternate world for you. I guess Megumin really is old enough to marry. “O-Oi, we can’t let Megumin drink. ...Still, a celebration? I suppose it’s true we foiled someone’s nefarious plot this time. All right, I’ll whip up some snacks for us. Now that we’re finally home, we should have a party at least for today,” Darkness said as she left for the kitchen. And, hearing the word ‘party’, Aqua suddenly got fidgety. “...Hey, well, since Kazuma has been away for like a week and everything, let’s forget about the gamble. I’ll let everyone have a bit of my booze after all,” she said, cheerfully putting the bottle on the table. I felt like telling her she got off lucky, but now everyone is in a drinking mood. It may not have been for long, but I finally got the little sister I’ve longed for, and just left her, so at least for today... “Then, I shall go and buy drinks. If I let Kazuma go, I have a feeling I will be the only one left to drink Neroid!” Megumin said as she dashed out of the mansion. Soon, a lovely smell of something being roasted began to waft from the kitchen. “So that’s our drinks and snacks covered. All that’s left for a party is the tricks...” As everything returned to this familiar everyday, I began to wonder if my time spent in the royal capital was actually just a dream after all. I really lived with a princess, didn’t I...? And she called me onii-sama, and looked up to me... I took out the ring that proved it wasn’t all a dream, and stared at it emotionally—

Aqua, who was looking around for things to use for her tricks, saw it. “Ah, hey Kazuma, can I borrow that ring for a bit? I’m going to show you an amazing trick with it.” I am curious about how amazing it is, but if I recall the kind of tricks she does with rings...

Seeing Aqua reach out her arm, I quickly put the ring away—!

149 Afterword

Hi. I’m the singing, dancing novelist, Akatsuki Natsume. I’ve been training so I can be prepared if I’m ever summoned to an alternate world. Since I’ve heard sudden physical exercise is bad for your body, I started warming up by reading a lot of fighting manga. If the next volume never comes out, please assume ‘Oh right, the author was summoned to an alternate world and became a Grappler’. ...But let’s move away from the subject of the incomprehensible author and talk about the work itself. A drama CD produced by the people at Toranoana is scheduled to be released at the same time as this volume. I was asked to write the script is based on the original novel, so if you are interested please check out the drama CD. Incidentally, next month, the first volume of the comic series by Watari Masahito- sensei is going to go on sale. Even in manga form, please look forward to the adventures of Kazuma and friends. That reminds me, I was asked to give an autographed card for the recent Isekai Fair. I never thought I’d be asked to write autographs in my life, but after much, much practice and wasted card, the editorial department eventually sent me the illustrated card awaiting my autograph. With all that wasted practice card behind me, I trembled with anxiety and fear of screwing up my signature as I wrote it. I think the next time someone asks for my autograph, I’ll cry and beg them to reconsider.

—Now then. I am grateful to Mishima Kurone-sensei, the supervisors, designers, proofreaders, everyone in the editorial department and everyone else who spent their effort on seeing this volume successfully published. Two years have already passed in what feels like no time at all since I took the plunge into becoming an author, and I look forward to continuing to work with everyone from now on as well. And above all else; To all the esteemed readers who purchased this book, my most sincere gratitude—!

Akatsuki Natsume

150 151 152 153 Notes

Uissu.

Starting off with some classic name trouble, we have ‘rein’. I’ve noticed Skythewood’s translation calls her ‘Rain’, and sure enough the kana is actually the English word rain written in Japanese and used in loanwords like ‘raincoat’. Considering Akatsuki-sensei’s naming conventions are unique even for a Japanese writer in my opinion, it could well have been intended to be the word ‘rain’ but I optimistically erred in favour of Lain since it’s an actual name, but as always there were other candidates like ‘Lane’, ‘Laine’, ‘Rayne’ etc. Let’s all love Lain! Speaking of dubious names, there’s prince Jatis. Jatice? From the romanized name you might think it was some kind of Scandinavian name and meant to be read like ‘yatis’, but the ‘j’ sound is in the original Japanese, so.

Somewhat related to names there was the ‘-kyou’ suffix. This is a less common honorific than the ones we’re all familiar with. Its meaning is actually close to the titles of Lord or Lady in the English honorific system. In practice, it is used by the nobility to refer to other nobles of equal or lower status, as those with higher status would receive the ‘-sama’ honorific instead.

What I knew would happen at some point was something from earlier I only half- paid attention to or assumed was just throwaway dialogue coming back to bite me in the ass, and that was the (what I now called) ‘god items’. These were mentioned before, and at the time I translated them as “sacred item” and possibly other terms I forget. The kanji for it is just ‘divine/god’ + ‘utensil/tool’. For now I’ve decided on the ‘god item’ term because I think it sounds appropriately game-ish for the setting, like the rarity of a Japanese MMO exclusive promotion item or something.

Another issue I had was with what I translated as “honourable thief”. This term gets thrown around a lot and caused problems not only because it’s a word that in Japanese is written with only two characters yet takes a lot more than that to get across in English no matter how you translate it, but also because of the ambiguous plurality of it. Sometimes it’s impossible to tell whether they’re talking about a singular thief or multiple thieves, so that leads to a bit of awkwardness in the translation. As for the term itself, a nicer-sounding way of translating it would have been ‘gentleman thief’, but I erred on the side of caution and went with a more vague term since I expected the thief’s gender to be a problem later on. Considering the way things turn out in the story I might’ve gotten away with saying ‘gentleman thief’, but I don’t know if it’ll become an issue in later volumes. Some might say I should read these books ahead of translating them. They’d probably be right.

154 Speaking of the thief(es) in question, the terms Kazuma and Chris refer to each other by while thieving are yakuza/gang related ones. I figured leaving the original Japanese ones would’ve been too Japanese even for this translation, but I think the translations are reasonably close to the intent, even if typing ‘baws’ made me think I have gone memesubs. For those curious, the terms in order of appearance are: shitappa – underling/subordinate/crony; oyabin – corruption of oyabun, a stereotypical shitappa way of saying oyabun; sukete – helper/assistant; (o)kashira – lieutenant position in the yakuza, below the oyabun;

That’s about what it for what I had to comment on. A lot fewer TNs in the actual text this time around, which leads me to suspect there’s just a lot more very Japanese jokes in there that I didn’t catch on to.

With the reference to KonoBakuen catching me off guard, I realised I’m probably going to have to translate the spinoff as well at some point, which leaves me with mixed feelings. Mostly I’m worried that I’m getting closer and closer to becoming a shakaijin drone and won’t have time to give something back, however flawed, to this series which continues to bring me joy (even though Iris a shit). As always, I want to thank and apologise to Akatsuki Natsume-sensei for his work and for me putting it through the strainer of the English language and turning it into a horrible affront to decency, respectively. I also want to thank Skythewood for his original translation of this volume which helped fill the gaps in my >knowledge of Japanese.

One more volume until I get into trouble due to lack of raws. Oh boy. Well, let’s take a page out of Kazuma’s philosophy and think about tomorrow when tomorrow comes.

Until then, Do it for her.

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