You Go, Goddess! ______

YOU GO, GODDESS! ______

A full-length comedy by Tommy Jamerson

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CAST OF CHARACTERS MNEMOSYNE, female, pronounced ni-ˈmä-sə-nē, goddess of memory and the Preserver of Stories. CALLIOPE, female, Hercules' daughter. A four-eyed, pencil- thin bookworm. Shy, but stouthearted. A lot of untapped potential runs through her veins. HERCULES, male, the hero to end all heroes. He's 90% testosterone, 10% Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson look-alike. Doubles as THE QUEEN. NARCISSUS, male, sassy, vein, sarcastic and all-around fabulous. He doesn't just chew the scenery. He swallows it whole. His dialogue has a fast rhythm to it. A pitter-patter. Everything should be quick and snappy. DIANA, female, daughter of Medusa. She may be evil, but she has her reasons. If needed, Diana can be played by one of the Amazons. ZEUS, male, Mr. Greece Lightning himself. King of the gods. Hercules' father, Calliope's grandfather. A hurler of lightning bolts and a holder of grudges. Doubles as THE KING. THE AMAZONS, a tribe of proud female warriors. They act as the show's Greek Chorus. They play the majority of the roles in the show, including but not limited to: MEDUSA THE GORGONS DELTA PI DELTA PSI DELTA CHI

PANDORA RANDOM PASSERBY T-SHIRT SALESMAN ALTES THE MAGISTRATE YOUNG WOMAN/YOUNG DIANA THE DENIZENS OF DELPHI PALACE GUARDS 1 &2 MAJORDOMO THE STYMPHALIAN BIRD VARIOUS MONSTERS ON THE ISLE OF REGRET CHARYBDIS MOIRAI GODS AND GODDESSES ON MOUNT OLYMPUS

SETTING Ancient Greece. Long before the myths of old were replaced by science and YouTube.

NOTE As is the case with most of my plays, ad-libbing is not only suggested, it's encouraged. I only ask that your additions to the script fit within the world and context of the play.

ACKNOWLEDGMENT You Go, Goddess! was originally produced by Alpha Psi Omega and the Southeastern Louisiana University Theatre Department at Cassidy Park (Bogalusa, LA) in March 2018.

In March 2019, it received a staged reading at the Mary Rogers Room in New York, NY as part of the Dramatists Guild's Friday Footlight Series. It was produced by InterACT Theatre Productions.

DEDICATION For Isabella. Keep climbing those mountains, reaching for those stars, and dreaming those big, wonderful dreams.

You Go, Goddess! 7

ACT I SCENE 1 Prologue. Various locations around ancient Greece. (The audience enters to find a tall, proud Grecian temple, one supported by four marble columns and dominating most of the stage. Various entrances and exits surround it, as do raised platforms and stairwells. Above, the sun shines brightly, and in the distance, we can just barely make out what appears to be a great mountain; its crest enveloped by swirling clouds. Lights shift. A hush falls over the audience. Then…an explosion of lights and sound! Colors swoop through the theatre! Music blasts through the speakers! Something stirring, yet bouncy. A feminist rally cry of sorts set to an infectious beat. Personally, if I had my way, it would be the first minute or two of Beyoncé's hit, "Run the World (Girls)." You know, because...Beyoncé. But for the most part, anything will do. Behind the marble pillars, THE AMAZONS, a Greek Chorus comprised of all women, emerge. They dance and clap along to the music. Maybe they even perform a high-energy, expertly choreographed dance routine. Eventually, the music fades, and the Amazons strike a dramatic pose. A goddess, MNEMOSYNE, materializes. She's lovely and warm. The Amazons step aside as she moves downstage.) MNEMOSYNE: Welcome! Welcome to Ancient Greece! (She thrusts her arms out Evita-style, and turns around, admiring the temple. Lights twinkle. Gongs sound—thanks to the Amazons.) Welcome to a land rich in history and culture. A land known for its art! Music! Pottery! And…for having lots and lots of statues of naked people. (As Mnemosyne speaks, the Amazons hold up various objects relating to what she's describing. One holds up a painting when she says "art," another holds up a pan flute when she says

"music," and so on and so forth, until she spouts the line "naked people." Here one of the Amazons holds up a miniature statue of a naked person with a fig leaf—or censor bar, or the Greek Flag— covering all the naughty bits. This is a family show, after all. Perhaps Mnemosyne sees the statue and is taken aback for a moment.) AMAZON: (Holding the statue:) … What? MNEMOSYNE: But, above all else, welcome to a land known for its stories. I am Mnemosyne, Goddess of Memory, and collector of tales both old and new. And these ladies behind me— (The Amazons collectively take a step forward.) They are the Amazons—a proud tribe of warriors who are going to aid me in telling this evening's story. But don't let their rosy cheeks and high-octane dance numbers fool you; mess with them…and they will cut you. (Amazons lunge forward, growling and snarling. A few even draw weapons. They really will cut you.) Told ya. (Mnemosyne claps her hands, and the Amazons scatter. She continues.) Tonight, we have a very special tale for you. One with swords, sandals, magic, monsters, heroes, villains and most importantly, a daughter's unwavering love for her father. And all of it, every bit of it, begins with a simple…box. (Mnemosyne snaps her fingers. Lights shift. Soft, dissonant chords being to play. A large alabaster box appears.) Long, long ago…when the gods still lived among us, and there was peace and balance on the planet…there existed an

© Tommy Jamerson This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted You Go, Goddess! 9 enchanted, alabaster box. It was given to Pandora, the daughter of a mighty king. (An Amazon transforms into PANDORA.) And while she was told she could admire the box for its beauty, she could never, ever open it. (Pandora looks left. She looks right. The coast is clear.) Unfortunately, curiosity got the better of her and… (She opens it. At first, nothing. Then…a beam of light comes swirling out! The sound of unholy laughter echoes throughout the theatre. The room shakes. Music swells.) Suddenly, horrible, dark figures began to emerge from it! Dark figures known the world over as…the Gorgons! (Two or three Amazons, dressed as GORGONS, begin to enter from the audience. They snarl and snap at various audience members. It's rather terrifying. I hope the parents brought an extra pair of diapers for the kiddies.) They were led by a hideous beast with a head swathed in snakes; the ferocious Medusa, whose eyes were able to turn anyone who gazed upon them to stone! (Another Amazon transforms herself into MEDUSA. She laughs maniacally as the ghouls and monsters, surrounding her, bow in admiration.) MEDUSA: Yesssssssss!! Attack, my Gorgons! Show these mortals what we're made of! (The Gorgons lunge at Pandora, frightening her off the stage.) MNEMOSYNE: It was then that the mighty Zeus, the king of the gods, APPEARED! (A puff of smoke. A gong sounds. ZEUS appears.)

He and the other gods and goddesses waged war against the Gorgons and spent over three hundred years fighting them off! ZEUS: Back, you monsters! Back I say! Ha-ha! (Zeus begins hurling lightning bolts at them, one after another.) MEDUSA: It doesn't matter what you do, Zeus. You'll never defeat ussssss! (Eventually, the Gorgons overtake Zeus. Things are looking grim.) MNEMOSYNE: Finally, beaten and bruised, and knowing they wouldn't be able to last much longer, Zeus called upon his secret weapon—his SON! (The shadow of an incredible warrior is seen marching towards us. With each step forward, the ground begins to shake. Anticipation grows!) He was a demigod, which means half man, half god! His strength and agility were legendary, and he went by the name of… (Lights rise on HERCULES. A heavenly glow radiates off him. In his arms, he carries a larger boulder, the words "1,000 LBS" etched on it.) ZEUS: Hercules! HERCULES: Who's ready to rock!?! (He tosses it at a few of the Gorgons, knocking them over like bowling pins.) MNEMOSYNE: Armed with a powerful sword carved from one of Zeus' thunderbolts, Hercules was an unstoppable Gorgon-slaying machine! (Zeus tosses Hercules the mighty weapon. With sword in hand, Hercules battles one monster after another. He's the epitome of

cool! Lights strobe! Music blares through the speakers! A note about the music: Again, if I had MY way, it would be the first few bars of "Pump Up the Jam"! BAM! WAM! Maybe the Amazons even hold up signs with these exact words printed on them? Soon, every Gorgon on stage goes flying. They're no match for this strongman. Lightning cracks across the sky. The characters ad-lib a bit, underscored by the throbbing bass of the music. Hercules makes "Ha-Ha!" sounds with each Gorgon he slices and dices, and Medusa shouts things like "Get him! Stop him! Don't let him win," etc. As the music and action build, Medusa, blade in hand, decides to sneak up from behind Hercules and stab him. However, Hercules sees her reflection in his shield, as she's about to strike. He beats Medusa to the punch—and stabs her! This is all done through stylized movement and choreography. Suddenly, the music to comes to a screeching halt! The Gorgons gurgle and hiss as they retreat, defeated. Medusa writhes in pain.) MEDUSA: (Crawling off the stage, dying. It's almost pitiful:) Nooooooooooooo! HERCULES: By the looks of it, I'd say she's pretty hissed off! (He strikes a grandiose pose. All the characters on stage laugh. The Amazons surround Hercules and pat him on the back. Confetti flies. Glitter is thrown. Zeus claps loudly! They ad-lib lines like, "He did it! We're free!") ZEUS: Way to go, son! (Hercules and Zeus perform a complicated, yet slightly adorable Father/Son secret handshake. Zeus turns to one of the humans:) Give me some skin, mortal! We did it! AMAZON 1/TOWNSPERSON: Um, what does he mean we? This victory is all thanks to Hercules. AMAZON 2/TOWNSPERSON: Yeah. What have the gods ever done for us?

AMAZON 3/TOWNSPERSON: Hey everyone— AMAZON 2/TOWNSPERSON: Let's give it up for Hercules! (They cheer. YEAH!! A YOUNG WOMAN, about sixteen, sporting short, curly black hair, comes running on stage and approaches Amazon 1/Townsperson.) YOUNG WOMAN: (Panicked:) Excuse me, sir, but can you help me— AMAZON 1/TOWNSPERSON: Step aside, girl! YOUNG WOMAN: Bu— AMAZON 2/TOWNSPERSON: Can't you see that a hero is about to come through? AMAZON 3/TOWNSPERSON: C'mon, guys! AMAZONS/CHARACTERS ON STAGE: Herc-U-Les! Herc- U-Les!! MNEMOSYNE: Finally, the world was at peace again. Everyone celebrated. Well…almost everyone. (The Amazons carry Hercules offstage. The Young Woman looks around, then, eyes wide and mind racing, exits. Zeus stands still, hurt.) ZEUS: But…if it wasn't for the gods, those humans never would've stood a chance. Why aren't we being celebrated? Why aren't we being praised? (He looks down at Pandora's Box, and shuts the lid tightly.) MNEMOSYNE: And so, Hercules continued to scour the globe, chasing down the remaining Gorgons—and with each one slain, the humans became more and more infatuated with the son of the gods, and less interested in the gods themselves. (Hercules, surrounded by a few fans, flexes and poses, much to their delight. He and the crowd exit. Zeus observes this.)

ZEUS: (Reaching his hand out as Hercules is exiting:) Hercules? (He motions for his son to join him.) HERCULES: (Looks at the crowd, then back at his father:) …Sorry, Dad. (To his throngs of admirers:) Guys, wait up! (Hercules exits. Zeus then takes a step forward, box in hand.) MNEMOSYNE: Deciding that they were no longer needed, the gods left their village, and built a golden palace along the summit of a mountain called Olympus. But not before banishing Pandora's Box to a forgotten part of the world known as The Isle of Regret and placing a powerful spell on it… ZEUS: A spell, my brothers and sisters, that will make it so that only those of us with celestial blood can open it. From this day forward, let Pandora's Box be nothing more than a bad dream… (Zeus places the box atop a pedestal, and he and the other gods disappear into the darkness.) MNEMOSYNE: Soon, twenty years passed. Twenty years to the day of Medusa's defeat. The humans decided to throw a grand celebration, honoring Hercules and all of his accomplishments. (A soft light rises on a few Amazons as they hang a sign that reads, "Thank You, Hercules!") It's here that we shift gears, and go directly to the heartbeat of our story— (A spotlight appears on Hercules.) No, not Hercules. (We blackout on Hercules.) But instead his only child, his daughter, Calliope… (A light reveals CALLIOPE, lost in her work, scribbling notes onto parchment.)

There she sits, safe inside the walls of the city of Delphi. Lost in her thoughts. Unaware of the events that are about to unfold. Unaware that this day in particular is the one that's going change to her and her father's lives…forever. (She disappears. Scene shifts.)

SCENE 2 The city of Delphi. Twenty years later. Mid-afternoon. (Calliope sits outside in a dusty corner, propped up against one of the great pillars. She is shy, knobby-kneed, and sporting thick- rimmed glasses that swallow most of her face. She is surrounded by scrolls and crumpled pieces of parchment. Birds twitter in the distance.) CALLIOPE: (Putting quill to paper. Takes a deep breath. To self:) C'mon, Calliope. All you have to do is write a poem about heroes. Sure, your first 72 drafts were complete failures, but 73, that's—that's gonna be the one! I hope. (An idea! Talking to herself as she writes:) Um… A hero is valiant, a hero is wise, A hero is strong, with…cast-iron thighs? A hero's blade will shatter villains like glass, And a hero's foot will kick evil right in the—Nope. Not appropriate. (She collapses on her pile of papers.) UGH! I'm never going to get this right. This day cannot get any worse! (Suddenly, we hear the shrill, ear-piercing laughter of the DELTAS, a trio of Grecian Mean Girls portrayed by three of the Amazons.) Spoke too soon! Deltas!

(She looks about, then makes a mad dash behind one of the pillars. The Deltas, still laughing, enter.) DELTA PI: And then she's all like, "I didn't order five drinks, I just wanted two." (Holding up two fingers—like a V.) Get it?! 'Cuz Roman Numerals! (They again laugh annoyingly.) DELTA PSI: OMIGODS! Delta Pi. You're like sooo funny! DELTA CHI: Sooooo. DELTA PI: (Spying Calliope's belongings:) Wait! Hold. Everything. Delta Psi, Delta Chi, whose stuff is that over there? DELTA PSI: Judging by the pile of scrolls and funky odor, I'm guessing that nerd Calliope. DELTA PI: Calliope! Gross! DELTA PSI: Puke! DELTA CHI: Ewwwww! DELTA PI: Talk about a Greek tragedy! She's probably being all responsible and working on her speech for her father's dedication ceremony. DELTA PSI: Blech. Being responsible is so 4th century. DELTA CHI: Totallllyyyyyy. DELTA PI: I can't believe out of all the people in Delphi, the Magistrate picked her to speak. Doesn't he know how weird and awkward she is? And don't even get me started on those glasses. I don't know what's worse—the cyclopes having one eye or her having four! (They laugh a mean girl laugh.)

DELTA PSI: I was talking to my friend, Kappalonia from Apolonia, and she was saying how bad she feels for Hercules. I mean, he's just so— DELTA CHI: Hoootttt. DELTA PSI: And Calliope, she's— DELTA CHI: Nooottttt. DELTA PI: Poor Hercules, saddled with a such a disappointment for a daughter! Oh well! You guys wanna go into town and make nasty, judgmental comments about random people we don't know just to feel better about ourselves? DELTA PSI/DELTA CHI: Do we?! (The girls exit, laughing and carrying on. Calliope re-emerges. She's visibly upset. A tear streams down the side of her face. Suddenly, a violent rage overtakes her, and she begins ripping her poem into millions of pieces.) CALLIOPE: How could I be so stupid? Stupid! (She tosses the shredded bits of parchment into the air and, with more tears falling from her eyes, begins ripping up other, unmarked pieces of paper. She tears them, shreds them apart, one after the other, until at last, there's nothing left to destroy. She crouches, sitting amongst the scraps. Hercules enters. Observes. Then…) HERCULES: I'm gonna take a wild guess here and say that your poem isn't going so well. CALLIOPE: Dad! HERCULES: Calliope, are you…crying? CALLIOPE: No. It's just something in my—I'm fine. HERCULES: Calliope.

CALLIOPE: I said I'm fine. I'm just…having a bad morning. HERCULES: I see. …C'mon, let's get this cleaned up. (They both get on their hands and knees and begin picking up the scraps of paper in silence. It's painfully awkward. Hercules can't take it anymore:) You know…your mother loved to write. Poems. Stories. Everywhere we went, she was always jotting things down. Like she was afraid she was going to forget something. Like if it wasn't on the pages of her scrolls, it'd be forgotten. Like she'd be forgotten. …I miss her. CALLIOPE: Me too. (They share a moment. Then…) Dad, do I ever…disappoint you? HERCULES: What? CALLIOPE: It's just, we're so different. I'm quiet, and not very strong, and nobody in town seems to like me. But you, everywhere you go people freak out. HERCULES: That's not true. I— (RANDOM PASSERBY enters, whistling.) RANDOM PASSERBY: OMIGODS! It's Hercules! I'm totally freaking out! AHHHHHHH!!!!! (He runs across the stage screaming at the top of his lungs. Beat.) HERCULES: Ok. One time. Regardless, it's— (In the background, we see Random Passerby running up to a GROUP OF PEOPLE.) RANDOM PASSERBY: You're never going to believe who I just ran into! GROUP: Who?

RANDOM PASSERBY: HERCULES! (A split second then…they all start screaming at once.) WOMAN IN GROUP: (Exiting:) HERCULES!!!!! AHHHHH! I'M TOTALLY FREAKING OUT! RANDOM PASSERBY: (Exiting:) I KNOW! ME TOO! HERCULES: Moving on. Calliope, you have never been, nor could you ever be a disappointment. You're my daughter, that's all that matters. CALLIOPE: I guess. …Were you ever close with your father growing up? HERCULES: I was. Yes. He even gave me one of his most prized possessions. (Pats his sword.) Say what you will about my strength—if it hadn't been for this guy, I never would've been able to defeat the Gorgons all those years ago. Unfortunately, after that, words were said, things happened, and the gods…abandoned us. Still, this sword will always be by my side, just like I'll always be by yours. CALLIOPE: Daadd… HERCULES: Don't Daadd me. I know these things. And as far as your poem is concerned, wait until everyone hears it. I have no doubt they're going to be as impressed with you as I am. CALLIOPE: About that. I was thinking, instead of going on stage tonight and reading in front of all those people…maybe I'll… (Spoken quickly—the verbal equivalent of ripping off a band-aid:) Skip the ceremony entirely. HERCULES: Absolutely not! Everyone's counting on you!

CALLIOPE: No one will even know I'm missing. HERCULES: That is not true. I— CALLIOPE: (Spitting out a hundred words at once—spoken at a ridiculously fast pace:) Yes, it is! Besides, my poem, it's horrible! I mean really horrible! I'll be a complete laughing stock— HERCULES: Alright— CALLIOPE: And you don't want that, do you? Do you? Cause I don't think — HERCULES: Alright!! Look, honey. I know you feel like I'm pushing you to do something you don't want to do—and maybe I am—but if you spend your life hiding away from the world, you're going to wake up one day regretting you didn't venture out and explore it. Time goes by like that. (Snaps his fingers.) One day you're a baby, crawling on the ground. The next you're running through open fields, chasing the wind. And then before you know it, you're hobbling around, using a cane. Life's yours for the taking. You just need to make that first step. (He holds a quill out to her. Sighing loudly, she takes it.) CALLIOPE: I can't believe I'm doing this. HERCULES: That's my girl! I'll leave you to it! (He kisses her on the forehead and exits.) See you tonight. CALLIOPE: See you tonight. I am so screwed. (Mnemosyne appears.) MNEMOSYNE: But screwed Calliope was not. No, determined is what she was. (Calliope lifts her head back up and begins writing once again.)

Propelled by her desire not to make a fool of herself, she put quilled pen to parchment and started writing once again. She wrote, and she wrote, until finally it was time for the festival to begin! (She claps her hands. Calliope exits as the scene shifts…)

SCENE 3 Delphi. City square. Right before sunset. (…to the City Square. Music underscores the transition. Continuing on:) MNEMOSYNE: That evening, the Delphinians flooded into the city square, anxious not only to see their favorite muscle man, but to take home a souvenir or two. (She takes a step back and observes as Amazons, dressed as city folk, fill the stage with laugher and merriment.) T-SHIRT SALESMAN: (Entering from the audience:) Herc-U- Tees! Herc-U-Tees for sale! Grab 'em before they're gone! (Amazons rush up to the T-SHIRT SALESMAN and attempt to buy his merchandise.) AMAZONS/CITYFOLK: I want one! / No, me! Me! / Take all my money! Take it! TAKE IT!! MNEMOSYNE: Yes, it seemed that every nook, every cranny of the city was filled with every kind of imaginable guest—even those who weren't invited… (A crash of the cymbals and…a dark, HOODED FIGURE appears. No one pays it any mind. It stands back, watching the action unfold…suddenly, trumpets sound. The crowd applauds. Attention is drawn to a raised platform. ALTES, the Magistrate, enters and stands atop it. A pedestal with a sheet covering it sits directly behind him.)

ALTES: Thank you, citizens of Delphi! I, Altes, your beloved magistrate, have gathered you here for a very special occasion. Twenty years ago, on this very day, Hercules came to our defense and rescued us from absolute devastation. Tonight, we honor our brave hero by presenting him with our city's most prized artifact— (He pulls the sheet off the pedestal. Maybe there's even a Ta-Dah.) The Vase of Nobility! CROWD: Oooooh! ALTES: Yes! Oooh! Sculpted by Aphrodite herself some three hundred years ago, the vase's regal beauty puts even hers to shame. Now let's give a warm, Delphinian welcome to the eight-pack flexing, eighth wonder of the world, Hercules! (Hercules enters, the crowd erupts. He raises his sword to the sky, triumphantly.) And let's also give it up for the Vase of Nobility! (Again, the crowd breaks out into thunderous applause.) And last…and least, give it up for Calliope. (More of a kazoo than a trumpet. Calliope enters, shaking violently. Hercules applauds. No one else does. Crickets. Literally.) …Right. The floor is yours. CALLIOPE: (Closes eyes, recites affirmations quickly and rhythmically:) You can do this. You can do this. You can do this. (Opens her eyes and surveys the massive crowd.) Whoa. You cannot do this. Um…I…need a second. (A nervous chuckle escapes her as she quickly turns to her father. Ad-libbed mutterings are heard from the crowd.) HERCULES: (To Calliope. In a half-whisper:) What's going on? © Tommy Jamerson This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted 22 Tommy Jamerson

CALLIOPE: I'm sorry, Dad...but I can't. I want to, but I can't. HERCULES: What are you talking about? You'll be fine. CALLIOPE: You heard how they clapped—or didn't. HERCULES: Don't worry so much. (The audience begins to stir and grow impatient…) ALTES: (To audience:) Ha-ha! Just a second, folks! (Attempting to mask his aggravation:) Calliope, what's the holdup? The entire city is waiting on you! CALLIOPE: I'm sorry, I'm just not up for this. ALTES: Awwww! Course you are! (To Hercules:) She just needs a little push is all. Like this! (He thrusts her to the front of the stage. To Calliope, through gritted teeth:) NOW READ. (Calliope looks out at the sea of faces. Her pulse quickens. Her hands begin to shake.) CALLIOPE: (Nervous. Stuttering a bit. Twitching:) H—hi. I'm here because I want to read a poem I wrote about my dad. Here goes. (She pulls out a crumpled sheet of paper. Spoken in a low whisper. Trailing off:) With his sword, his shield, and a gleam in his eye My father has battled foes from ocean, land and sky— AUDIENCE MEMBER 1: (Overlapping:) What?! CALLIOPE: But my picture of him, it's a little less grand— AUDIENCE MEMBER 2: (Overlapping:) Speak up! AUDIENCE MEMBER 3: We can't hear you!

CALLIOPE: (A bit louder, but still mumbled:) His hugs, his laugher, the tender squeeze of his hand— (As she recites, her pulse begins to quicken, and the sound of a heart gradually beating faster and faster is heard, echoing throughout the theater. Ba bump. Ba bump. Calliope backs up slowly and unsteadily with each stanza. The crowd continues to shout things to one another, muttering loudly, and clearly not paying attention to Calliope. The heartbeat increases, rapidly. Ba bump! Ba bump! Oblivious to her surroundings and caught in the moment, Calliope, panicked, bumps against the pedestal, causing the Vase of Nobility to tumble over and—CRASH—shatter into a hundred pieces! The crowd gasps!) ALTES: The Vase of Nobility! You've ruined it! CALLIOPE: I'm sorry! I didn't mean to! ALTES: You didn't mean to? You didn't MEAN to?! HERCULES: Altes, it was an accident. ALTES: I'll say, just like your daughter! (Maybe a few people from the crowd shout "Yeah!" "I'll second that!") You're a great hero, Hercules—it's a shame we can't say the same about her! (Before Hercules can respond, the three Deltas emerge from the crowd.) DELTA PI: (To crowd:) Hey everybody—let's boo her! Boo! CROWD: BOO! BOOOO! HERCULES: (Shouting at the crowd:) Stop that! STOP IT! (Calliope leaps off the platform and begins to exit through the crowd.) Calliope, wait!

(Under the following dialogue, the crowd continues to boo and ad- lib conversation. The Deltas step right in Calliope's path, not allowing her to leave.) DELTA PI: Nice going, Calliope. DELTA CHI: Yeahhhh! DELTA PSI: That was the biggest tragedy since the fall of Rome, only in your case; you came, you spoke— DELTAS: (In unison:) YOU SUCKED! (They laugh heartily. Calliope, throwing her head in her hands, turns and begins to exit, stage right. Hercules tosses his sword to the side, jumps off the platform and chases after his daughter.) HERCULES: Calliope! Calliope, wait! (He grabs her arm.) CALLIOPE: Let go of me, Dad! (The following dialogue overlaps. Noise from the crowd continues to build in the background.) HERCULES: We can fix this! CALLIOPE: There's nothing to fix! I'm getting away from here—I'm getting away from you! HERCULES: Calliope, hear me out— CALLIOPE: No, you hear me! Why won't you accept the fact that I'm not like you and I never will be? HERCULES: And that's fine! (The ad-libbed dialogue from the crowd builds.) CALLIOPE: Let go of my arm, Dad! HERCULES: Just— CALLIOPE: Let go of my arm!

HERCULES: If you would— CALLIOPE: I SAID, LET GO! (She pulls away from him. Silence.) Why won't you just leave me alone? You push, and you push, and you won't stop! Sometimes I really hate you. You know that? I HATE YOU! (Beat. Everyone on stage begins to move in slow motion, except for Hercules. Lights strobe. Hercules steps back as if he's just been struck with an arrow—and in a way, he has. He releases his grip on his daughter's arm.) HERCULES: Calliope, I— (Mnemosyne appears, observing. Slowly the Hooded Figure makes its way towards the raised platform.) MNEMOSYNE: And just as Hercules was about to make his final plea to his daughter, just as Calliope was about to make a run for it, just as a fight was about to be resolved, an unexpected, and unprecedented war broke loose— (Mnemosyne looks over at the raised platform for a beat, then…disappears. A clap of thunder! A cloud of smoke, and then—) HOODED FIGURE: (Speaking in a distorted, booming voice:) HERCULES, SON OF ZEUS, KING OF THE GODS! I command you to STOP! (The crowd collectively stares at the Figure, then back at Hercules. An audible "huh" escapes them. Maybe a few of them of them mutter, "who is that?" and "what's going on?") HERCULES: And who are you, stranger? HOODED FIGURE: Someone who's spent decades waiting for this day. And someone who intends to make it your last.

HERCULES: (Chuckling:) I wouldn't challenge me! Not with my strength. And not with my— (He reaches down, realizing his sword is no longer by his side.) HOODED FIGURE: (Holding up the weapon:) Looking for this? A tad passé for my taste. I prefer a weapon with a bit more eye appeal. (The Hooded Figure reaches around its neck and pulls out a silver, snake-shaped medallion.) Let the games begin! (Raising it high in the air, a sonic wave rips through the stage, causing all on stage, excluding Calliope and the Figure, to be thrown to the ground, as if an invisible hand has just smacked them down. They all scream as their bodies contort against the stage floor. Music underscores, a bassline thuds and drops. Gongs sound with each word that escapes the Figure's lips. Calliope wants to help, she wants to do something, but she's frozen in fear, unable to move. She cowers in the corner, watching through the gaps between her fingers.) That's it! Wriggle! Suffer! And… (Gongs grow louder…louder…louder…) FREEZE! (And they do just that. They lie motionless on the floor. Lights flicker. A moment passes, then…the figure removes its hood. In its place we see the face of a woman, one who's at least ten years Calliope's senior, with thick curly black hair and dark, blood red lips. Meet DIANA.) And that's how you make an entrance! CALLIOPE: (Rushing to her father's side:) DAD! Dad! He's still breathing. (Shaking him:) Get up! Get up! DIANA: You can shake him all you want. It won't do any good.

CALLIOPE: What have you done to him!? To all of them?! DIANA: Don't worry, Calliope. They're alive…for now. CALLIOPE: …How do you know my name? Who are you? Why are you doing this?!? DIANA: Here. This is going to take a while. (Diana snaps her fingers. A powerful spell is cast over Calliope, and she too begins to twist and contort and shake…almost like a serpent caught in a windstorm. She fights against it, but Diana's power is too much for her.) CALLIOPE: What's going on?! DIANA: You're under my control. Now for introductions. Greetings! I am Diana! Mistress of Mayhem! Princess of Carnage! AND…taker of candy from small children. (She snatches a lollipop from one of the Amazons. Finally, against her will and better judgement, Calliope gives into the spell. She collapses to the ground, her arms and legs unable to move.) Mmmm. Cherry. And as far as my reasoning for disabling dear ol' Daddy is concerned, that requires a visual aid. (Diana claps her hands. A few more of the Amazons, still in their comatose state, rise, and shuffle upstage as they prepare to reenact a scene from the play's opening prologue. Playwright's note: This retelling can be done in a number of ways. As Diana narrates, the characters the Amazons are about to portray could simply act out whatever it is she says. Or, if it's feasible, shadow-play or puppetry would work just as well, if not better. Diana sucks on the lollipop while she comments on the actors or projection falling into place.) This story begins immediately after Hercules declared victory over the Gorgons.

(The image or silhouette of Hercules, or a Herculean figure standing triumphantly over a pile of newly defeated Gorgons, his sword raised high into the air, is seen upstage.) That night, a huge party was thrown in his honor! (The silhouette of people celebrating is seen.) But while Hercules and the rest of you mortals were celebrating, a young girl, about the same age as you ran through the forest crying out for help. (The Young Woman from the prologue appears. Perhaps we can hear the echoes of her cries. "Help! Help!") Unfortunately for her, those cries fell on deaf ears. (A robotic reenactment of a scene from the prologue.) YOUNG WOMAN: Excuse me, sir, but can you help me— AMAZON 1/TOWNSPERSON: Step aside, girl! YOUNG WOMAN: Bu— AMAZON 2/TOWNSPERSON: Can't you see that a hero is about to come through? AMAZON 3/TOWNSPERSON: C'mon, guys! AMAZONS/CHARACTERS ON STAGE: Herc-U-Les! Herc- U-Les!! (They exit or disappear.) DIANA: Nobody, it seemed, had time for the girl. A girl who, only a few hours earlier, had watched her mother be struck down by the blade of the very man the whole world was now celebrating. (The silhouette of Medusa is seen. The Young Woman [Young Diana] shrieks "No! No!!" as Medusa is slain.) CALLIOPE: Medusa!

DIANA: Yes, Medusa. Although I've always preferred the term Mommy. (Young Diana runs to her wounded mother's side. Calliope gasps.) Luckily for me, Mom was always the resourceful type. With her last bit of strength, she snipped one of the snakes from her head and created an amulet filled with power. (Holds up the amulet. We see Medusa placing the Silver Snake Amulet around young Diana's neck.) She made me vow then and there that I would avenge her death and punish Hercules for what he'd done to us. And I'd say today is finally that day! All the wrongs in the world will finally be righted once I obtain this… (Diana points over to the Amazons. The silhouette of Pandora's Box appears.) CALLIOPE: Pandora's Box? What do you want with that? DIANA: Why, finish what was started, of course. Open the portal between worlds, vanquish all who stand in my way, make chaos and destruction reign supreme—fun stuff like that. Only problem is, I can't destroy anything unless I have your help. CALLIOPE: Me? DIANA: Mmmhmm. See, your granddaddy Zeus had to complicate things by casting a spell on the box, one that not only keeps me from retrieving it—rude—but only allows those with celestial blood to open it. And sadly, as divine as Mother's blood was, celestial it was not. That's where you come in. CALLIOPE: But I'm not a god. DIANA: No, but you're a demigoddess. CALLIOPE: Twice removed. © Tommy Jamerson This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted 30 Tommy Jamerson

DIANA: Aww. Still counts. All that's required is that Zeus' blood runs through those pretty veins of yours, and that you obtain the box willingly—meaning I can't put a hex on you. Shucks. Fortunately, you're much easier to manipulate than your father, making you the ideal candidate for the job. Now! This map— (She snaps her fingers. An Amazon hands her a map.) Thank you—will guide you to the box's exact location: The Isle of Regret. Oooh. Spooky. Once you've found it, I'll come a' callin'. Simple as that. Easy. Peasy. Limoncello, Squeezy. Whataya say? CALLIOPE: (Horrified. Thinking through it:) I…I can't do this. I mean, I can't even read a poem without messing up. And even if I was able to help you, why should I? DIANA: Because if you don't, then in three days' time your father and the rest of these horrible people will stop acting like statues and turn into them. And once that happens, no magic on earth can reverse it. Remind me, what were the last words you said to your father before I showed up? That's right— (Like a conductor, she cues the Amazons. In unison they all, excluding Hercules, lift their heads and shout:) AMAZONS: …Sometimes I really hate you. You know that? I HATE YOU! (Calliope lowers her head in shame. "I HATE YOU" echoes through the theatre.) DIANA: That's gotta hurt. So…what's it going to be? CALLIOPE: If I do this, you'll free my father and everyone in Delphi? DIANA: You have my word. CALLIOPE: How do I know I can trust you?

DIANA: See, that's the fun part...you don't. (She claps her hands again. The spell over Calliope is broken. She collapses to the ground. At the same time, the Amazons aiding Diana collapse as well.) Remember: three days. Follow the map. Find the box. Otherwise you too will learn what it feels like to have your only parent taken away… (Diana points to the sky, just as the sun is about to set.) Your time starts…now. (She places her hood back on her head and with a puff of smoke and crack of lightning, disappears. A moment passes. Calliope sits in silence. Frozen. Fog pours out onto the stage. Finally, Calliope climbs up onto her feet and dashes over to her father's lifeless body.) CALLIOPE: Dad. I'm so sorry. I know I screwed up. I shouldn't have said—I don't—I won't let you down. Not again. We both know I'm not the person to do this, but…I'm gonna try and make things right. (His sword lays just beyond his grasp. His lifeless eyes stare blankly off into the horizon. She picks the blade up nimbly and slides it into the loop of her belt.) You can do this. You can do this. You can do this. (The cawing of crows is heard offstage.) You can't do this. (Blackout.)

SCENE 4 A forest, later that night. / A dock, early the next morning. (Lights shift. Mnemosyne observes. Moonlight twinkles in the distance.)

MNEMOSYNE: Calliope began her journey into the unknown. And for the first time in her life, she ventured past the great stone wall that surrounded Delphi. (Calliope, sporting a cape, surveys her home city one last time, and exits. A few Amazons enter. One stands stage left, the other stage right. They stretch out a long piece of fabric, one with buildings and roads painted on it, and hold it horizontally. A third Amazon stands behind it. Holding a doll dressed in a toga that's riding a small horse, she "gallops" the figures along the top fabric.) She traveled east. The air was crisp and cool, and the further she walked, she— AMAZON: (Holding the doll/horse and having a bit too much fun:) Nayyy! MNEMOSYNE: The further she walked, the eas… AMAZON: (Holding the doll/horse:) Neigh!! MNEMOSYNE: Th— AMAZON: (Holding the doll/horse:) Nnneeeiiiggghhh— MNEMOSYNE: Um…she wasn't riding a horse. She was walking. She walked. AMAZON: (Holding the doll/horse. She looks up at Mnemosyne, then down at the doll:) Whoops! Sorry. (She tosses the horse toy behind her. BONK! CLANG! BOING! Sound effects are heard.) MNEMOSYNE: (Clears throat:) Anyway! The further Calliope walked, the easier it was for her to pick up the sounds of the Aegean; its waves crashing in the distance. It was that very sea she needed to cross if she wanted to make it to the Isle of Regret. Eventually, she came upon a tiny dock located next to a small, but magnificent palace made of white marble.

(The Amazons lift the sheet up. The real Calliope emerges out from under it. She approaches a sign, perhaps held up by one of the Amazons. It reads: DOCK. PRIVATE PROPERTY.) CALLIOPE: The dock. Great. Now all I need is my— (Feeling around, checking her "pockets." Looking for something.) No. No! Are you serious? I can't believe it—I forgot my gold! Fantastic. I can't get to the Isle without a boat, I can't rent a boat without gold, and I can't go back to Delphi and retrieve mine because that would waste too much time. I knew I couldn't do this. If only I could just take one and return it before anyone was the…wiser. (She looks left. She looks right. The coast is clear.) I mean…it's only for a day or two…and there are lots of ships out here. It's not like they'd even miss it. (She rolls up the map and tucks it into her belt, next to the sword.) All I have to do is casually walk across this dock, untether a boat, and slip off into the horizon. Easy as— PALACE GUARD 1: (Off:) Hey you! (PALACE GUARDS run on stage.) CALLIOPE: Pie? PALACE GUARD 1: What are you doing out here? PALACE GUARD 2: This is private property! PALACE GUARD 1: You're trespassing! CALLIOPE: It is? I am? I didn't know. I'll just be going— PALACE GUARD 2: Hold it right there. What's a girl like you doin' out here anyway? CALLIOPE: Uhhh… PALACE GUARD 1: You're not a spy, are you?

CALLIOPE: N—no! PALACE GUARD 1: What do you think, Ibycus? PALACE GUARD 2: I dunno, Dibycus. She don't look like no spy to me. PALACE GUARD 1: Me neither. CALLIOPE: That's because I'm not! I'm just following this map. PALACE GUARD 1 & 2: A map? CALLIOPE: I'll show you. It's right… (She reaches into her belt to pull out the map, but at first glance, it appears as if she's about to unsheathe her weapon.) PALACE GUARD 2: Dibycus, she's reaching for her sword! CALLIOPE: No! I'm— PALACE GUARD 1: I told ya she was a spy! CALLIOPE: If you give me— PALACE GUARD 2: Save it, girly—we're placing you under arrest! CALLIOPE: What?! (They slap shackles on her wrists.) PALACE GUARD 1: And taking you to see his majesty, the grand high prince. PALACE GUARD 2: He'll sort this out. CALLIOPE: But you don't understand! I can't! My father needs me, he's— (She continues to chatter. Suddenly, the Guards shove her forward! BOOM! The lights shift and—)

SCENE 5 The city of Larissa. Narcissus' palace. Later that morning. (…Immediately we find ourselves in a throne room.) CALLIOPE: What the—? (Trumpets suddenly blare. A golden throne is brought on stage. The MAJORDOMO, an elderly man with a long, curly white beard, hobbles on stage.) MAJORDOMO: Hear ye! Hear ye! It is my esteemed pleasure to announce his majesty, the crown prince of Larissa. Or as he also likes to be called… (Unfurls an incredibly long scroll and begins reading from it. He takes a deep breath and begins.) The Lord of Loveliness! The Master of Magnificence! The Sovereign of Spectacular! The Emperor of Eye-Appeal! The Ruler of Ravishing! The Chief of Charm! The— (He takes a deep breath. Continues:) Dictator of Delight! The Governor of Gorgeous! The King of Kissy Faces! The stunning, the exquisite, the arresting, the enthralling, the awe-inspiring, and all-around wonderful, Prince Narcissus! (Majordomo practically collapses. NARCISSUS kicks open a door and enters through the audience, a gold mirror in his hand.) NARCISSUS: Give a cheer, 'cause Narcissus is here! And yes, objects in the mirror are as sexy as they appear! (Music explodes! Something sassy and fun. Again, if I had my say, it would be the first 79 seconds of Meghan Trainor's insanely catchy, egocentric bop, "Me Too." As the song plays, Narcissus strikes poses left and right. Once the song—or his entrance— comes to an end, the Majordomo holds up a sign that reads "CLAP" in big, red letters.)

Thank you! Thank you! Yes, I know! It is a pleasure to see me, isn't it? CALLIOPE: Is he for real? PALACE GUARD 1 & 2: Unfortunately. (Majordomo approaches Narcissus, who is sprawled out over his throne, admiring his reflection in his mirror.) MAJORDOMO: Um, your majesty. NARCISSUS: (Looking in his trusty, handheld mirror:) Aww! Reflect-y! It's always great seeing you! (As Reflection:) And the same goes to you! (Back as himself:) Aww! Go on. (A note. Whenever Narcissus is talking as his reflection, he dons a "cutesy" voice, that verges on revolting. Lots of kissing and cooing occurs.) MAJORDOMO: YOUR MAJESTY!! NARCISSUS: (Startled! As Reflection:) Ahhh! What? (Clears throat. As himself:) What?! MAJORDOMO: A thousand pardons, Your Grace, but I've been informed that the palace guards have discovered a spy on the premises. NARCISSUS: A spy! Oh no! What does he want? MAJORDOMO: That's what we're hoping you'll find out, my liege. NARCISSUS: Me? (Like a child on the verge of a tantrum:) But Majordomo! I don't feel like interrogating anyone today! Don't make me do stuff! MAJORDOMO: Your Majesty… NARCISSUS: FINE! Guard people! Bring forth the prisoner.

(An Amazon taps out a simple but eerie drumbeat in the distance. Guards shove Calliope forward. Slowly she approaches the throne, her pace matching the tempo of the music. She locks eyes with Narcissus. A moment, then…the music stops.) OK wait. This is her? Are you for—? This isn't a spy! This is a homely girl with chin whiskers and last season's sandals. Tell me, whatever your name is— CALLIOPE: Calliope. NARCISSUS: Whew! That's terrible! Tell me, what were you doing on my dock? CALLIOPE: I wanted to borrow one of your ships…sir. NARCISSUS: Mmhmm. And when you say borrow, do you actually mean steal? CALLIOPE: I—I had every intention of paying for it, it's just, I forgot my gold at home and — NARCISUSS: Yeah, yeah. We get the point. (To Guards:) You morons! She's not a threat. CALLIOPE: Thank you. NARCISSUS: She's a thief! CALLIOPE: What?! NARCISSUS: Now throw her in the dungeon and get out of my sight! PALACE GUARD 1 & 2: As you wish, sire! (The guards begin to drag her off.) CALLIOPE: You can't do this! My father's counting on me! He'll die without— NARCISSUS: (Through yawns, couldn't care less:) Oh no. That's tragic. I care so much. (As Reflection:) No, he doesn't!

CALLIOPE: You don't understand! My father is Hercules!! The Hercules!! And I'm his only hope!! NARCISSUS: Sure. Your father's—did you say Hercules?! Guard people! STOP! You mean to tell me that you're Hercules' daughter? The guy with the muscles and the— (Grunts and does something physical and ridiculous.) And the— (Another sound/thing that's physical and ridiculous.) And the— (One last sound/thing that's physical and ridiculous.) CALLIOPE: I don't know what you just did there, but yes…he's my dad. I'll prove it to you. I have his weapon, the Sword of Zeus. NARCISSUS: (To Majordomo, snapping his fingers:) Majordomo! Don't just stand there! Inspect! Inspect! MAJORDOMO: Course, my liege! (Majordomo whips out a jewelry inspector and looks the sword over. He mutters to himself as he inspects.) NARCISSUS: Wellll? Is it real or not? MAJORDOMO: It appears…she's telling the truth! NARCISSUS: That's wonderful!! Yes! What are you standing around for, you fools?! Unchain her! (They do just that. To Guards:) Beat it! Amscray! (They exit. To Calliope:) Tell me, Calypso— CALLIOPE: It's Calliope.

NARCISSUS: Is it? Do you need anything? Water? Food? My chef makes great garlic Argo-knots. CALLIOPE: Thank you, but I just need a ship and I'll be on my way. NARCISSUS: A ship! 'Course! Majordomo, go make the preparations at once. MAJORDOMO: Right away, your highness. I live to serve. (He bows and exits. Beat. Narcissus and Calliope watch him exit. It's awkward.) NARCISSUS: I bet you do! And that's why you're so good at it! On your way now! Off you go— (The sound of a great oak door slamming behind him is heard. To Calliope:) Alright he's gone! Before he comes back, I have something I need to confess. It's a secret. Something I've never been able to tell anyone. (Whispering:) Not even Reflect-y. (He places the mirror facedown and continues.) CALLIOPE: O…K. Are you sure I'm the person you want to— NARCISSUS: Yes! Yes! You're the only one. (Takes a dramatic breath:) Alright, here goes. I know to the untrained eye it looks like I have everything. I mean come on! But there's one thing I've always wanted that never seemed possible until now. I've always wanted to be a… (He whispers in her ear.) CALLIOPE: (Didn't make it out what he's saying:) …What? NARCISSUS: I want to be a… (He whispers into her again. Again, she's confused.) CALLIOPE: I don't understa—

NARCISSUS: I WANT TO BE A GOD! (It echoes. God… God… God…) CALLIOPE: Alright? NARCISSUS: I know it sounds completely crazy, but I've always felt like a stranger here on earth. Like I'm better and more attractive than everyone else and no one seems to realize it. I mean they realize it, but they don't want to admit it. And why would they? Look at this profile! Gaze upon it! TAKE IT IN! (He makes a heavenly, operatic sound.) …I make heavenly choir sounds when I talk about my face. (He makes another one. It's a bit louder and goes on for a bit longer. It's as over-the-top and ridiculous as you think it is. Beat.) CALLIOPE: …I'm gonna leave now. NARCISSUS: Hold your Trojan Horses there, missy! We're not done yet. See, my problem is that I'm mortal. And all this sumptuousness is being wasted on people like you. But oh! If I lived on Olympus, I'd live for all eternity and my beauty would last forever! And with your connections, I might be able to make my dream a reality! CALLIOPE: My connections? NARCISSUS: Zeus? Muscle-y guy. Mr. Greece Lightning. If he's Hercules' father, that makes you his granddaughter. Right? CALLIOPE: I am Hercules' daughter, but I've never… NARCISSUS: Never what? Seen the gods before? Oh. I hope that's not the case, because if it is, and you can't help me, then I'll have no other choice but to ring this bell… (Picks up a tiny golden bell.) And have my guards toss you back in the dungeon where you'll never see the light of day agai—

CALLIOPE: What I mean is, I've never… (Lying through her teeth:) …talked about this with anyone before. But yeah, of course I'm close with Zeus. He's my grandpa. Papa Z, is what I call him. I see him all the time. I can put in a good word for you. NARCISSUS: Not necessary. Once you introduce me to him, I'll let my face do the talking. CALLIOPE: Introduce? You mean you're— NARCISSUS: Going with you, of course. You don't think I'm gonna give you one of my ships and then let you sail off, never to be seen again, do you? Ohhh no. I've lost too many girlfriends that way. (As Reflection:) He sure has! (As himself:) First, we'll find whatever it is you're looking for, then we'll go directly to Olympus. (Extending hand:) Do we have a deal? CALLIOPE: I don't think you realize how dangerous this mission is. It's— NARCISSUS: (Holds up the small golden bell, about to ring it:) I said, do we have a deal? CALLIOPE: …Deal. NARCISSUS: We're on our way! TOOT! TOOT! C'mon, Reflect-y—we're going on a trip! (As Reflection:) Yay! (As himself:) Just a little FYI; I sleep in the nude. Try and control yourself. CALLIOPE: What?! (Narcissus claps his hands. Immediately attendants, the Amazons, enter, bringing in dozens of travel bags.) MAJORDOMO: (Entering:) Everything's ready, sire. Sire? Are you going somewhere?

NARCISSUS: I'm afraid I am, old friend. I know, I know, this is going to be hard for you—but I promise it's for the best. MAJORDOMO: But your— NARCISSUS: Shhh. Don't speak. Just hug. Bring it in, big guy. (The hug. It's awkward.) Let's roll, Cantaloupe! (Amazons hand Calliope a stack of suitcases.) CALLIOPE: (Exiting:) I—I hope you don't think I'm going to be carrying your stuff the whole time. And it's Calliope. NARCISSUS: I'm not listening. (As Reflection:) Me neither! (A moment. Silence.) AMAZON: Is he gone? (The sound of the great door slamming is heard. All of the Amazons cheer, along with Majordomo.) MAJORDOMO: HE'S GONE!! Thank you, gods, for answering our prayers! (The Amazons, the Guards, and Majordomo form a conga line.) ALL: (Singing:) He has gone away-HEY! He has gone away- HEY! He has gone away-HEY! (Confetti flies! Champaign is uncorked. Merriment reigns supreme. Blackout.)

SCENE 6 The Aegean. Later that day. (Mnemosyne appears. Observing.) MNEMOSYNE: Calliope and Narcissus loaded up a boat and prepared to set sail.

(We see Narcissus staring at his own reflection, while Calliope lags behind, attempting to carrying all of his luggage.) NARCISSUS: Hurry up, Chamomile! Despite popular belief, I'm not getting any younger. CALLIOPE: Um…little help here? Narcissus…little help. (They exit.) MNEMOSYNE: But, before we continue on, let me give a little history on the place our heroes are venturing to. When the gods first started populating the earth with plants and animals, they made more than a few…mistakes. A few examples being: (A few of the Amazons march by holding large photos of the "mistakes.") The Harpy— (The first Amazon turns the picture around, revealing a photo of the Harpy.) An anomaly with the body of a woman, and the wings of a bird. The Centaur— (Another Amazon walks by, revealing a picture of a Centaur.) A creature with the torso of a man, and the legs of a horse. And most terrifying of all, an unnamable foe, one with the body of a human and the head of a dog! (Another Amazon walks by and reveals a picture of Goofy.) Not knowing what to do, the gods took these and various other mishaps and placed them across the sea, on an island in the middle of the Aegean, far away from the rest of the world. Standing atop a tall mountain in the center of the island was a black tower covered in vines; the Spire of Questions. And locked away inside it, Pandora's Box.

(Mighty winds blow. The Amazons emerge upstage with a long, sheer blue sheet of fabric. They stretch it out and hold it horizontally. The sound of seagulls cawing, and waves crashing is heard.) Unfortunately for our heroes, surrounding all this was Charybdis (Pronounced "kəˈribdis."), a monstrous whirlpool created by Poseidon, as way to ward off explorers. Sort of a security precaution. (The sound of waves crashing is heard. An Amazon enters, holding a toy boat containing a Barbie and Ken doll and bobs it across the top of the sheet, giving it the illusion that it's floating. Barbie has oars fastened to her hands, and Ken has a parasol in one hand and a mirror in the other. He is sitting at the front of the boat, but facing the back, looking directly into Barbie's eyes.) You see, the two were traversing along, Calliope rowing, Narcissus…being Narcissus. AMAZON: (Playing with the dolls, talking as Narcissus:) I'm amazing! I'm fabulous! I'm magical because Abraca-DARN do I look good! MNEMOSYNE: When suddenly, just as the island was in sight, they found themselves in the jaws of Charybdis! CHARYBDIS: RRRROOOOOAAAARRRR! (The Amazons holding the blanket begin to shake the cloth, even spinning it around and around—giving it the feeling of a whirlpool.) AMAZON: (Playing with the dolls, as both Narcissus and Calliope:) Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!! MNEMOSYNE: Just when things seemed their bleakest, and couldn't possibly get any worse— MNEMOSYNE/AMAZONS: (Holding the sheets:) CRUNCH!

MNEMOSYNE: Charybdis swallowed their boat whole! (Amazon tosses the boat offstage. Goofy sound effects are heard.) But what of Calliope and Narcissus? They swam as fast as they could! Fighting the waves! Fighting exhaustion! Fighting every obstacle that was in front of them! And just as they were about to give up, and relinquish themselves to the ocean… (We transition quickly to…)

SCENE 7 The Isle of Regret. Moments later. (Calliope, completely drenched, is tossed on stage. She pants heavily, out of breath. Her body is covered in seaweed and sand.) CALLIOPE: (Exhausted:) We…made it! We're…here! (A laugh of both joy and surprise escapes her.) But where's the— (Frantically searching.) The map…the sword. They're here. Everything's good. Right, Narcissus? Narcissus? (Narcissus enters, dramatically. He too, is completely soaked. He breathes heavily, each step he takes more painful than the last. He finally stops and spits out a mouthful of seawater. In his left hand, he's firmly clutching his trusty mirror. In his right, his parasol.) NARCISSUS: (Through deep, exaggerated breaths. Looks at his sopping wet, seaweed covered clothes. Somewhat mumbled:) What the…but the…and a… (He looks at his mirror, and for the first time, realizes the glass has shattered.) AHHHHHHHHHHHH! CALLIOPE: Shhh! Shhh! Keep your voice down! We don't know what kinds of monsters are on this island. NARCISSUS: Oh, we don't, do we? Well I know what's definitely not here: my patience.

(He explodes!) BECAUSE TRUST ME, I'VE LOST IT! Look at me! Look at my toga! It's ruined! My parasol bent! My luggage gone! And my mirror— (He shakes it. Chunks of glass fall from it. Almost in tears:) Ohhhhhh! My mirror! If it could talk right now, IT WOULD SCREAM! (He lets out a cry.) And it's all thanks to YOU! CALLIOPE: Wa— What? NARCISSUS: You're the one spearheading this disaster of a mission! You're the one who was supposed to be rowing the boat! And you're the one who steered us into that spinning, watery vortex of death! CALLIOPE: I'm sorry. NARCISSUS: Now you're sorry! CALLIOPE: I am. But—but maybe if you'd taken over the rowing when I asked you to, I would've been able to check the map and avoided it! NARCISSUS: So now it's my fault?! CALLIOPE: No, but I could've used the help. NARCISSUS: Pfft! Please! How many times do I have to tell you?! Princes don't work. We wweerrkkk!!! Besides, you were the one facing the island, so you should've seen the whirlpool! CALLIOPE: I know, but it was kinda hard to see with your parasol blocking my view! NARCISSUS: Yes, well I'm pretty sure you can see through it now!

(He opens the parasol. It's destroyed. Merely a skeleton. The canopy has been ripped out completely. He tosses it aside.) CALLIOPE: (Again, trying to shush him:) Shhh. OK. NARCISSUS: I get that you've gone through some things, what with your dad and trying to find Menorah's Socks— CALLIOPE: Pandora's Box. NARCISSUS: And save your kitty— CALLIOPE: City. NARCISSUS: But what you did is inexcusable, Jeffrey! CALLIOPE: OK now you're not even trying. NARCISSUS: Face it! We have no boat! No supplies! And no one knows where we are! What are you going to do now? Huh? HUH? CALLIOPE: I— I don't know. NARCISSUS: 'Course you don't! Why should you? CALLIOPE: (On the verge of tears. She's hit a wall:) I know it may not seem like it, but I am trying. I— I— NARCISSUS: (Mocking her:) I-I-I. Honestly, I am getting sick to death of the whole shy-girl, can-barely-use-a-single- declarative-sentence routine! If you hadn't dragged me out here— CALLIOPE: (Meekly:) What— NARCISSUS: (Tearing into her, relishing it. Under the following, Calliope attempts to interject, but Narcissus won't let her get a word in. The best she's able to do is muster up a few sounds.) —forced me to come on this ridiculous mission, I'd be home safe and sound. CALLIOPE: Bu—

NARCISSUS: (Steamrolling her:) Right now, I'm almost jealous of your father. I bet he probably wants to be turned to stone— frozen for all eternity. Anything to get away from you! Jeez, Kaleidoscope, I expected more from you! I expected you not to be such a disappointment! (Lights go black. A single white spot shines down on Calliope. A red spot on Narcissus. His last line echoes through the theater, as does the sound of a heart beating—similar to the one heard in Scene 2. Echoing:) Disappointment… Disappointment… (A second red spot appears, revealing Delta Pi.) DELTA PI: Poor Hercules, saddled with a such a disappointment for a daughter! (Echoing:) For a daughter… for a daughter… (And a third, with Altes.) ALTES: You're a great a hero, Hercules—it's a shame we can't say the same about her! (Echoing:) About her… About her… (The lines reverberate off the walls and collide into one another. Calliope covers her ears, attempting to drown it out, but the words keep coming. The heartbeat increases, booming loudly. Ba bump! Ba bump!) NARCISSUS: (Echoing:) Disappointment… DELTA PI: (Echoing:) Disappointment for a daughter… ALTES: (Echoing:) Shame nothing nice can be said about HER! AMAZONS: Hey, everybody—let's boo her! Booo! Booo! Booo! (A final spot appears, this time on Diana. She watches, enjoying this greatly. She throws her head back and laughs. The words twist and contort as they, along with the heartbeat, grow louder, and louder, and louder, until finally…)

CALLIOPE: Stop it! Stop it! (She snaps! A growl escapes her.) STOP IT! (Lights switch back. Homegirl is woke and she has had enough.) That does it, Narcissus! You sit down, and shut up, and listen! NARCISSUS: (Scoffs:) Please, I— (Calliope grabs the sword and starts pointing it at Narcissus, like a nun with a ruler.) CALLIOPE: I SAID LISTEN! (He lets out a squeal and sits down on command. She begins— talking almost a mile-a-minute. Maybe more. The more she goes on, the louder, and faster, and more passionate she becomes.) In the last twenty-four hours I've been humiliated, bullied, arrested, attacked, threatened, almost drowned, forced to watch my father be tortured, and I REFUSE to let you push me around and make me feel worse about myself than I already do! You may think your little quips are funny, but they're not! They hurt! They're mean. First things first: my name is Calliope! Not Calypso! Not Cantaloupe! Not Jeffrey! Calliope! I took the time to learn your name, the least you can do is learn mine! Now say it to me! What's my name? WHAT'S MY NAME?! NARCISSUS: Cal— CALLIOPE: I said SHUT UP! Second. I did not drag you on this trip. Actually, you chose to come. Actually, you insisted on it! That was of course after you blackmailed me into taking you to Mount Olympus and told me that if I didn't, you'd throw me in jail! Third. You may be a prince, and you may like to wweeerrkkk, but if you're going to continue this voyage, then you're going to have to wwwwwooooorrrrkkk. With me. I mean real work. Carrying-things work. Break-a-sweat work. You're going to

© Tommy Jamerson This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted 50 Tommy Jamerson pull your weight, and I'm going to pull mine. And finally. YES! We get it! You are attractive. You are. But you are also, without a doubt, the most insufferable, pigheaded, foolish, vain, spoiled, malicious person I have ever had the displeasure of meeting! AND I—AM NOT—GOING TO—PUT UP—WITH IT—ANY! MORE!! (She throws the sword down. Exhausted. A moment to absorb this, then…light shines down on Mnemosyne and a few of the Amazons as they appear, applauding her and holding signs that read "Yas Queen," "Applaud," "Go Girl!" etc. Calliope pants a bit, eventually calming down. Back to her normal, softer voice. She approaches a whimpering Narcissus, holding out her hand to help him up:) Narcissus. I— (He squeals!) NARCISSUS: Get away from me! CALLIOPE: Narcissus— NARCISSUS: No! Stay back, you tyrant! You can say there are monsters on this island, but as far as I'm concerned, the scariest monster I've ever encountered is YOU! (A monster appears behind Narcissus. A large, oversized STYMPHALIAN BIRD [pronounced stim-fey-lee-uh.] One with talons and teeth to spare. It looks more like a feathered dragon than something you'd feed breadcrumbs to.) BIRD: (In Narcissus' ear:) SSSQQQUUUAAAWWWKKKK!!!!!!!! (The entire theater shakes.) NARCISSUS: (Matter-of-fact:) There's a giant, bloodthirsty bird monster with razor-sharp talons and two massive wings behind me, isn't there? (Calliope nods.)

CALLIOPE: Uh-huh. (Narcissus turns…hesitantly. He stares directly into the eyes of the Bird. A nervous chuckle escapes him.) NARCISSUS: …Hi there, you sweet little— BIRD: SSSQQQQUUUAAAWWWWWKKKKK!!! NARCISSUS: That is a whole lotta nope! (The Bird, squawking a horrendous squawk, lunges at Narcissus. It snaps its beak at him!) Nice, birdie! Sweet, birdie! STOP, birdie! (The Bird goes in for the kill! Narcissus, cowering in the corner:) I'm too beautiful to die!! (Calliope throws a rock at the monster.) CALLIOPE: Hey! Over here! (The Bird turns around to see what creature dares challenge it.) BIRD: Squawk!!!!! CALLIOPE: (Immediately realizing her mistake:) Uh-oh! (Like a bull seeing red, the Bird paws at the ground, causing sand to go flying behind it, readying to charge. Calliope stands, paralyzed with fear. To self:) Now what? NARCISSUS: Use the sword! CALLIOPE: (Unsheathing it:) The sword! Yes! BIRD: Squawk!!! (And then, the Bird barrels towards her! As it roars, Calliope grits her teeth, closes her eyes, and prepares for the worst.) CALLIOPE: Oh gods! Oh gods! Oh gods!

(Just as the Bird is about to strike Calliope, the clouds part! A beam of light shines down from the heavens! And her sword springs to life, a glow radiates off it!) AMAZONS: (Popping their heads in, acting like a heavenly choir:) Ahhhhhhh! CALLIOPE: Huh? (Startled, the Bird lets out a screech, and takes a few steps back.) NARCISSUS: What in the name of fat-free feta is going on? CALLIOPE: I dunno. It's like it has a mind of its own! NARCISSUS: In that case, use it! (The Bird, recovered from the initial shock, again lunges towards Calliope. And again, the sword springs to life! It does, in fact have a mind of its own. Calliope isn't swinging the sword, it's swinging itself, and taking her along for the ride!) (Cheerleader-like:) Yeah! Thrust! Lunge! Parry! Kick its derry! (Finally, Calliope is able to back the Bird into a corner. It attempts to lunge at her but trips and gets caught in a thorn bush in the process. It tries to free itself, but the more it tugs and snaps, the more it entangles itself. It squawks a pitiful squawk. Calliope lowers her blade.) What are you waiting for? It's trapped! Kill it! Kill it!! (Beat. Calliope raises her sword in the air, reading to bring it down for a final blow. An Amazon appears, tapping out a low, mournful rhythm on a drum. The Bird recoils and cries out once more. Calliope looks at Narcissus, then at the Bird. She's racked with guilt. The music continues. It builds. She runs her fingers through her hair, bites her lip, then…tosses the sword to the ground. The music stops.) …What are you doing? What are you— (For once, even he doesn't have the words.) © Tommy Jamerson This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted You Go, Goddess! 53

CALLIOPE: (Ignoring him. Approaching the bird:) Hey there, little…big…girl. You hurt? Here, let me… (The Bird is on the verge of snapping.) Easy, easy. (She holds her arms out to show she means no harm. Softly, gently, she approaches. She untangles the thorns. One branch, then another. Finally…) There. You're free! (The Bird flaps its wings. It begins to exit, then stops, turns, and locks eyes with Calliope. A moment passes, then the Bird rears its head back and runs offstage.) BIRD: (Triumphantly:) Ssqquuaawwwkkk! (We hear its wings flapping as it flies off into the distance. Narcissus slowly approaches her.) NARCISSUS: …OK what just happened? CALLIOPE: I couldn't do it. She was trapped, and defenseless. It wouldn't have been right. NARCISSUS: Gah! You know what your problem is? You— You—YOU… (He looks over at Calliope. She cowers, as if he's about to verbally smack her. A change:) …saved the life of someone who probably wouldn't have done the same for you. Thank you. CALLIOPE: You're welcome. NARCISSUS: Say, that was some fancy swordplay you did back there. I didn't know you had it in you. CALLIOPE: I don't. I told you it wasn't me. The sword did it all on its own. The moment I gripped the hilt, it took over. My dad said without this thing he never would've been able to defeat © Tommy Jamerson This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted 54 Tommy Jamerson the Gorgons. I guess this is how he was able to stop so many of them. NARCISSUS: I can see that. I mean, if you're stranded on an island with danger around every corner and fearsome monsters lurking in the shadows, this baby would sure come in handy. Too bad that's not us. CALLIOPE/NARCISSUS: OMIGODS! THAT IS US! (Their lines bouncing off each other:) CALLIOPE: This sword is the answer to our prayers— NARCISSUS: Our ticket to finishing this mission in one extremely attractive piece! CALLIOPE: I'll just let the weapon do the work, and we'll get that box in no time— NARCISSUS: And then it's off to Olympus! CALLIOPE: Yeah. But I don't think I can kill another living creature. NARCISSUS: (Lunging for the weapon:) Oh. Well I can! CALLIOPE: (Smacking his hand away:) No! NARCISSUS: Fine Miss I-Hug-Trees and Dress-In-Sappho- Chic. Just show off a few of those fancy moves, and that should be enough to scare them off. And if that doesn't work…you can always lay into them like you did to me. That was truly terrifying. (They share a smile. A genuine sentiment.) Seriously though, with your father's sword by our side, we can do this. Calliope. You can do this. CALLIOPE: Yeah…maybe. Maybe I can. Maybe I can!!

(She raises the sword high in the air—again the sound of a heavenly choir harmonizing is heard. The sword glows with promise. And for the first time in a long time…there's hope.) C'mon, we've got an island to explore. (Aggressively, she snatches Narcissus' arm and begins to pull him offstage.) NARCISSUS: Watch the arm, alright? You break it you bought it—and girl, I doubt you can afford me! (They exit. A shift. A moment passes. Then…Diana appears from out of the shadows.) DIANA: Well, well, well. It seems as if little Miss Calliope has found herself a friend. This could prove to be useful. (She laughs manically, and then with a snap of her fingers, lightning cracks across the sky. Blackout!)

ACT II SCENE 8 Montage! (Darkness. Suddenly…lights flash! Music blares! Something loud and instantly recognizable. Something that'll make the audiences' ears bleed and their pulses quicken. Again, if I had my way, it would be Demi Lovato's hit "Confident," or something similar. One spot shines down stage left, illuminating Narcissus. Another spot stage right, revealing Calliope. They face the audience, and in time with the music, apply war paint to their respective faces. Narcissus even ties a red bandana around his forehead, Rambo-style. The two approach one another, ceremoniously, and high five in time with the music. Lights strobe and scatter! MONSTERS appear from every end of the stage! A large tentacle oozes out from one of the wings of the theatre. Sword, in hand, Calliope attacks it, duels it, and eventually scares it off. Perhaps Narcissus even battles a few of the frightening foes with the remnants of his parasol. As she does this, a few Amazons hold up signs that say BANG! KA-POW! WHAM! As each monster is defeated, the Amazons flip over the "sound effects" to show a scoreboard that reads: MONSTERS: 0, CALLIOPE: 1. Another, a large paw with massive claws, appears! As Calliope kicks some major butt, Narcissus claps and cheers! Another sign—MONSTERS: 0, CALLIOPE: 2. This gag continues on throughout the number. At some point they even frighten off a creature that resembles Goofy. Highly stylized, yet extremely playful movement occurs as our heroes leap from one adventure to the next. As the song comes to a close, Calliope and Narcissus bump chests, jock style. Narcissus winces in pain. They scurry offstage, triumphant. Blackout.)

SCENE 9 A clearing / A pond. Later that night. (Nightfall. Nature sounds are heard in the distance. Narcissus and Calliope trek through the underbrush of the island, laughing and carrying on. Mid conversation…) NARCISSUS: (Through fits of laughter:) …You are so lying. CALLIOPE: I am not! NARCISSUS: You are! I refuse to believe that Hercules, the greatest hero of all-time, burps into his hands…and then smells them. CALLIOPE: He does! NARCISSUS: (Wretches:) You are wrong. In fact, you are so wrong, that you're in denial. And you're in such denial that you remind me of my friend Cleo. CALLIOPE: Cleo? NARCISSUS: Cleo-patra, queen of DE-NILE! BOOM! SCEPTER DROP! (She looks about the clearing. Changing the subject.) CALLIOPE: (Unclasping her cape and using it as a blanket:) I suppose this place is as good as any to make camp. We'd better get some sleep. We have a big day tomorrow. NARCISSUS: Right! Big day! Say, before we do the sleep thing, I need to collect some myrtle leaves. (Points to eyes:) Reduces puffiness. CALLIOPE: In that case, you might want to take this with you, for protection. (Holds out the blade, offering it to him.) NARCISSUS: You trust me with it?

CALLIOPE: You going to kill anything? NARCISSUS: (Rolls eyes. Like a petulant child:) No. CALLIOPE: Then yes. Don't want you getting hurt. NARCISSUS: …Right. (Begins to exit, then…) Calliope. There's something I need to say to you. Something I've never said to anyone in my entire life. (Takes a deep, nervous breath.) Here goes. I'm ssssoooo… (A nervous chuckle.) I'm sssssooooorr… (He tries one last time, straining:) One more time. I'm SSSSSOOOOORRRR— CALLIOPE: Sorry? NARCISSUS: BINGO! Yes! Whew! That was hard! (In all seriousness:) Look, I know I haven't been the nicest to you, and normally I wouldn't care, but…I like you. And I don't like anybody. Then again, nobody really likes me, so I guess it works out. CALLIOPE: I get it. I've never been popular either. Thankfully, I've always had my dad. NARCISSUS: Sounds like you two are close. CALLIOPE: We were…until I had to ruin everything by telling him that I hate him. Now he probably never wants to see me again. NARCISSUS: C'mon. That's not true. CALLIOPE: I dunno. The last few years have been tough on him. First with my mom, then trying to raise me. But he'll never admit it. You know how parents are. NARCISSUS: Actually…I don't. Mom and Dad aren't around much. They're always off, traveling from one place to another. It's better when they're gone, anyway. Whenever they are home, they're constantly nagging about the way I look, and my appearance— (False confidence:) As if there's anything to judge.

Hello. It's not their fault, though. Having a son was more of an obligation than a choice. It's fine. Doesn't bother me. CALLIOPE: Really? NARCISSUS: No! Please! Save your pity for the ugly! I'm great. I'm… Ok maybe it bothers me a little. I mean, they've never even come to one of my birthday parties, not one! But hey, what they lack in the parenting department, they have more than made up for with their extravagant gifts. (Holds up his busted mirror.) More of a grooming reminder than a gift, I guess. Always look your best. Always keep your hair perfectly coiffed. Starving gets results. But, at least they did give me Reflect-y. I guess it's kind of sad when your only friend in the world is your reflection. CALLIOPE: I don't know. I wouldn't say he's your only friend. (Narcissus is truly touched.) NARCISSUS: Those leaves aren't going to pick themselves. You sure you don't want some? It'll make your cheeks as soft as a baby's butt and twice as rosy. CALLIOPE: I'm fine. NARCISSUS: Your loss. Get some much-needed beauty sleep. We have a box to retrieve, a belching father to save, and then it's off to Olympus! (He makes a little trumpet sound.) CALLIOPE: Olympus. Right. NARCISSUS: I have a feeling that once you introduce me to your grandfather, and I become the greatest god that ever…goded, my parents will finally start to be proud of me. CALLIOPE: I have no doubt. (He begins to exit.)

Um…Narcissus. (He turns and stares at her. She can't bring herself to say it.) Nothing. Night. NARCISSUS: Night. (To self:) Oh boy. I swear. Is it hot out here or is it just me? Who am I kidding? It's me. (He dramatically snaps open a fan with a single motion. The scene shifts. Narcissus hums to himself, or whistles, or sings, as he makes his way across the stage to the myrtle. Perhaps he whistles or softly sings the song that was played during the montage. Lights out on Calliope.) DISEMBODIED VOICES (Off:) Narcissus… Narcissus… NARCISSUS: Yeah. That's not freaky. DISEMBODIED VOICES (Off:) Narcissus… Follow us… This way… NARCISSUS: Who? Wha— (He approaches a pool of water, eerily glowing in the moon light. He sees his reflection.) Look at that pond. It's—me! Reflect-y! I haven't seen you in so long! (As Reflection:) I know! You look amazing! (As himself:) It's true! Isn't it funny how I can have gone through all this hell and still look like pure heaven? (He sings his operatic high note. From the shadows, a hooded Diana is seen…) DIANA: Beautiful. Just beautiful. NARCISSUS: I know, right! Wait. Who said that? DIANA: (Emerging:) Me of course. Allow me to introduce myself: Diana, Mistress of Mayhem! Princess of carnage! And kicker of small, defenseless kittens. (Amazon hands her a stuffed cat. She punts it offstage.) © Tommy Jamerson This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying/distribution or performance permitted You Go, Goddess! 61

AMAZON: (Meowing for Cat:) Meoooooooooowwwwwwww. NARCISSUS: Man, Calliope would not like that. Wait a minute! Calliope! You're the one holding her father captive! DIANA: My reputation precedes me. NARCISSUS: I'm going to get her. DIANA: Yes. Do that. Get her. Then she can have another chance to lie to you. NARCISSUS: …What are you talking about? DIANA: You don't really think she's planning on taking you to see Zeus, do you? NARCISSUS: Why wouldn't she? She said— DIANA: What? That she's close with him? That she knows him personally? NARCISSUS: Yeah… DIANA: Brave, sweet, single-digit-IQ Narcissus. Think. If she's as chummy with her grandfather as she claims to be, why wouldn't she have just gone to him in the first place, instead of traveling to this horrible island? NARCISSUS: I… DIANA: Aanndd, if the gods really cared about her, then why did they leave earth? Answer: they don't. She's been using you. NARCISSUS: No, she hasn't! DIANA: She hasn't? She used you to get a boat, to help scare off the monsters, to— NARCISSUS: That's only because she— DIANA: Wants something? That's right, she does. And once she gets it, she'll abandon you. You're not a friend to her, Narcissus. Just an…obligation.

(Narcissus is, for the first time, speechless.) Poor little prince. Don't worry. I'm not like her. I take care of those who help me. See. (Diana takes the fan out of Narcissus' hand. Chimes sound. She waves her arms about. In the blink of an eye, it is transformed into Narcissus' hand-held mirror. Not a scratch on it.) NARCISSUS: My mirror. You fixed it. DIANA: And there's more where that came from. Much, much more. Like this, for example. (A spot shines down, revealing Narcissus' parents, the KING and QUEEN. Giddy smiles plastered across their faces.) NACRISSUS: Mom? Dad?! KING/QUEEN: Happy Birthday, Son! (In unison, they blow into paper party blowouts. Overly caffeinated:) KING: Our baby boy! QUEEN: Our pride and joy! KING: And you couldn't make us happier even if you tried! KING/QUEEN: WE LOVE YOU!!! (They blow their blowouts again and freeze. He approaches them.) NARCISSUS: H—how are you doing this? DIANA: I have my ways. Unfortunately, my magic is limited. (Points to her necklace:) This little baby only has so much juice left in it. But once Pandora's box has been opened, and my power restored, you will be the recipient of wonders far beyond your wildest dreams. NARCISSUS: But Calliope…and Hercules. You're going to hurt them!

DIANA: A common misconception. I threatened to hurt them. But if you help me, their debts will be paid, and they can go their way and we can go ours. (Narcissus looks over at his parents. They wave at him for a moment, warmly.) NARCISSUS: …If I agreed to help, what would you need me to do? DIANA: It's very simple. Tomorrow, when you reach the Spire of Questions, Calliope's going to be asked to drop her sword— standard procedure. You just pick it up and keep it out of reach. That's it. Without it, she'll be helpless, and when I come to collect the box—collect what's rightfully mine—she'll have no choice but to give it to me. NARCISSUS: Why don't you just take it now? DIANA: No, no. There's a build to these betrayal situations. You do it at the wrong moment and the whole thing falls apart. Besides, until she reaches the Spire, she's going to need it. That's why I didn't take it earlier. (Yawns.) Look at the time. I'd better get going—lots of plans to make, lives to ruin. Now, I know I've put you in an awkward situation, but the choice is solely yours to make. You can either trust me…or the liar. Nighty night, Narcissus. (She exits. Narcissus stands alone for a moment, contemplating.) NARCISSUS: (Pulls out mirror, stares at his reflection:) What do we do, Reflect-y? What do we do? (Blackout.)

SCENE 10 A mountaintop / The Spire of Questions. The next day. (Mnemosyne enters.)

MNEMOSYNE: As the sun rose the following morning, so too did our heroes, determined to reach the Spire before dusk. (Amazons enter. One stage left, the other stage right. Again, they stretch out a long piece of fabric horizontally, the images of trees and oversized rocks painted on it. A third Amazon stands behind, holding the dolls of Narcissus and Calliope.) Much to Calliope's surprise, the majority of the day was spent in silence. You must understand that by this point, most of the monsters were aware of the isle's strange newcomers and were doing their best to steer clear of them. However, it was the sounds coming from Narcissus, or lack thereof, that shocked Calliope the most. By mid-afternoon, he'd said a total of three words to her… AMAZON: (Holding the dolls. As the Calliope Doll—bumps into the Narcissus Doll:) Oh! I'm sorry. (As the Narcissus Doll. Looks the Calliope Doll up and down. Sassy:) You sure are. (The Amazons snap. The Narcissus Doll struts off in a huff.) MNEMOSYNE: The pair approached a tall, foreboding mountain. Knowing the only way to reach the Spire was to climb the rock formation it stood upon, they began their ascent. The rocks were treacherous and rough, but eventually…they made it to the top. (The dolls begin to "climb" a mountain made from boxes.) AMAZON: (Holding the dolls. As Calliope:) Almost there… Almost there. Just a little bit farther and… (The Amazons lift the sheet and the real Calliope and Narcissus enter out from under it. Mnemosyne exits. Winds blow. They have reached the summit of the mountain.)

CALLIOPE: We did it! We made it to the top of the mountain! Ha-ha! NARCISSUS: (Enters. Dryly:) Woo. Hoo. Yay. Let's get this over with. CALLIOPE: Hey. What's the matter with you? NARCISSUS: What are you talking about? I haven't said anything. CALLIOPE: Exactly! Are you alright? NARCISSUS: I'm fine. CALLIOPE: But are you— NARCISSUS: I said I'm fine, OK?! CALLIOPE: …OK. (She spies something off in the distance:) Look! There it is! The Spire of Questions! (The lights immediately rise on an imposing, vine-covered tower. Calliope approaches. Fog envelops the stage.) Hello? Hello? Is anybody there? We've come a long way and— MOIRAI: (Off, her voice echoing:) WHO GOES THERE?! CALLIOPE/NARCISSUS: (Staring at one another, nervously:) Uhhhhh… MOIRAI: (Off:) I SAID, WHO GOES THERE? CALLIOPE: We do. I'm Calliope…of Delphi. And this is my friend— NARCISSUS: Luke. Luke N. Good. (To Calliope:) What? We don't know who's in there. CALLIOPE: We've come for Pandora's Box. MOIRAI: (Off:) IS THAT SO? WELL FIRST, YOU'LL NEED TO GET PAST ME!

(The rickety gate guarding the opening of the spire raises. The ground begins to shake, as do our heroes. It's evident that these sounds are the footsteps of whatever creature is approaching. BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!) NARCISSUS: (Shaking, along with the ground:) What's happening?! CALLIOPE: (Also shaking:) I don't know! NARCISSUS: Why doesn't that surprise me? MOIRAI: (Off:) BEHOLD! QUAKE WITH FEAR, FOR YOU ARE IN THE PRESENCE OF THE GREAT— (Light shines down on a tiny cloaked creature, MOIRAI [pronounced moi-rahy]. She enters walking with a cane. Think of her like Yoda, only if Yoda was a witch and horrible. Playwright's note: When I say Moirai is like Yoda, I mean it. Try and make the character portrayed by a puppet, if at all possible.) Moirai. (She cackles a creepy cackle, and then she hacks up a lung.) CALLIOPE: Wait…you're the one who— MOIRAI: Guards Pandora's Box? That's correct. Terrifying, aren't I?! (She begins to cackle, which eventually turns into another coughing spell. A beat, then…) Now, I hate to break it to ya, tutz, but the only way to retrieve what you seek is to have the blood of a god—and sadly, that ain't you! (She hacks up a second lung.) CALLIOPE: But it is. I'm a demigoddess.

MOIRAI: Are you now? Prove it. Prick your finger on the point of your sword and ol' Moirai here will see if you've got what it takes. CALLIOPE: Um… MOIRAI: You can hesitate all you want, but it won't change my mind. It's the only way. CALLIOPE: Fine. (She does just that. She winces in pain.) Ow. MOIRAI: That a girl. Approach me. Stick out your finger. Let me see it. (Observing the blood. Touches it.) Yes, yes. Lovely shade of red. Not too thick. And it tastes— (She uncurls her tongue and slurps Calliope's bloody finger. Calliope wretches in disgust.) Even better! CALLIOPE: Uck! (Calliope yanks her hand back.) NARCISSUS: You might wanna put some sanitizer on that. CALLIOPE: Well? MOIRAI: It appears… (Smacking her lips.) You're telling the truth. NARCISSUS: There's a first. CALLIOPE: What? MOIRAI: But if it's the box you seek, it'll take more than your blood. You must also solve the Riddle of Ages. You get one minute and one answer. CALLIOPE: And what happens if I answer incorrectly? MOIRAI: (A husky laugh escapes her:) You join them. (She pulls back a sheet to reveal the Amazons, dressed as skeletons, locked in a cell, screaming for mercy. This goes on for a moment.)

NARCISSUS: Make one mistake and burn for all eternity. That seems fair. MOIRAI: What'll it be? CALLIOPE: …I'll do it. MOIRAI: Excellent. But before you can begin, you must first drop your weapon. Standard procedure. I don't want you trying to fight me when you answer incorrectly. (Calliope, unsure, begins to drop the blade.) NARCISSUS: Here. I'll take it. CALLIOPE: Thank you. MOIRAI: Let us begin. For Pandora's Box and your freedom: What creature walks on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon and three in the evening? Your time starts…now. (The sound of a clock ticking booms loudly. Calliope closes her eyes and continues to recite the riddle to herself. In the distance we a hear a voice, one that's familiar yet distorted. It quietly murmurs something inaudible.) CALLIOPE: What creature walks on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon and three in the evening? What creature walks on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon and three in the evening? MOIRAI: Fifty seconds. (Tick. Tock.) CALLIOPE: What creature walks on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon and three in the evening? What walks on— (Tick. Tock. The voice in the background grows louder…) MOIRAI: Thirty seconds. (Tick. Tock. This continues for a few beats longer, then…)

CALLOPE: What creature walks… What creature… What walks… Why can't I figure this out? And why does this sound so familiar? (Ticking grows louder. A shift. The voice and its message are loud and clear.) HERCULES: (Voiceover:) …One day you're a baby, crawling on the ground. The next you're running through open fields, chasing the wind. And then before you know it, you're hobbling around, using a cane. (Calliope gasps!) MOIRAI: TIME!!!! (Screech!!!! An alarm of sorts goes off.) CALLIOPE: I have it! I have the answer! MOIRAI: Do you now? Alright…what is it? CALLIOPE: The answer is…a human. MOIRAI/NARCISSUS: A human? NARCISSUS: We're doomed. MOIRAI: Explain yourself. CALLIOPE: Gladly. A human starts out as a baby, crawling on all fours, (Maybe a light rises on an Amazon, holding a baby doll.) then grows into an adult and walks on two, (Lights rise on another Amazon, she shows off her legs.) and finally, at the end of their life—requires the assistance of a cane, thus having three. (Both Amazons point to Moirai and her cane.) …Well? Is that it? Did I answer correctly?

(Silence from Moirai. Slowly she begins to rock back and forth. Back and forth.) Moirai? …Moi— (Moirai begins to cough again. Quietly at first, then it begins to grow. She wheezes and moans. Cough after dry cough spills out of her. Something deep and guttural grows within her. She tries to fight it, but she's powerless. Finally, as the coughs reach their climax, Moirai begins to melt, to disappear within herself— Wicked Witch of the West style.) MOIRAI: What a world…what a world… (Eventually, she's gone entirely, leaving only a pile of rags on the ground. Steam rises. Cautiously, Calliope approaches the rags, almost drawn to them.) NARCISSUS: …That was dramatic. Hey, what are you doing? (Feeling through them, she discovers …) CALLIOPE: I thought I saw something in the— Omigods! Narcissus! We found it! Pandora's Box! It's here! (Heavenly choir. Calliope lifts it up into the air triumphantly.) NARCISSUS: (Forgetting himself and his anger:) We did? WE DID! (The pair jump up and down, laughing ebulliently.) CALLIOPE: All we have do is… (Diana enters from the shadows, clapping slowly.) DIANA: Very nicely done. I'm impressed. CALLIOPE: Diana! DIANA: Calliope! I like this new and improved version. It's feisty. It's confident. And it's a lot better than the mousy little nothing I met back in Delphi.

CALLIOPE: What are you doing here? DIANA: I told you, once you got the box, I'd come a-callin'— and you did it in the nick of time—sunset's only a few minutes away. Now, be a good little girl, open the box and hand it to me. CALLIOPE: (Clutching the box against her chest:) First, free my father. DIANA: I'm sorry, what? CALLIOPE: I said: Free. My. Father. DIANA: Right. That. I would, but how do I know that I can trust you? It's not like your word is worth much these days. Isn't that right, Narcissus? CALLIOPE: You two know each other? DIANA: Course we do! We go way back. BFFs and all that jazz. CALLIOPE: Stop it! You're just trying to manipulate me. Well, not again. Narcissus, give me the sword. Narcissus! My sword! Narcissus, what's going on? (Eyes wide and unsure, Narcissus looks over at Diana.) DIANA: Dear, don't you have something you want to ask Calliope? NARCISSUS: …Mount Olympus. Are you planning on taking me there or not? CALLIOPE: What? NARCISSUS: I said, are you planning on taking me to Olympus? CALLIOPE: Now's really not the time for this. DIANA: Really? Because I think it's the perfect time. (To Narcissus:) Don't you?

NARCISSUS: I need to know, Calliope. Tell me the truth. Are you planning on taking me? …Are you? …ARE YOU? AR— CALLIOPE: …No! I'm not. I wish I could. But…I'm not. I lied. (Angrily, he turns his back to Calliope and approaches Diana. He hands her the sword.) Narcissus. Narcissus! Don't! DIANA: That's my boy. Told you the betrayal had to be timed just right. Oh, and sweetheart, one more thing—be a lamb and tell Calliope to open the box for me or— (Points the tip of the blade to his chest:) I'll kill you. NARICISSUS: …I'm sorry, what? DIANA: You heard me. NARCISSUS: But—but you said you wouldn't hurt anybody. DIANA: That's right. I did. And you were an idiot to trust me and double-cross the only real friend you've ever had. The only friend who, despite your numerous shortcomings, would do anything to keep you safe. The only friend who, as long as I have you captive, as long as you're alive, will do whatever I say. NARCISSUS: …You're right. She will. DIANA: Now DO IT! (He takes a deep breath, and stares at Calliope. He knows what he must do.)

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