Nominated for five Guardian Student Media Awards 2007 Autumn Term Week One Tuesday 09 October 2007 www.nouse.co.uk NOUSE Est. 1964 FRESHERS’ SPECIAL Everything you need to know as a fresher in York, from dating to decorating. MUSE 12-15

Friends pay tribute to Students face 15 Freshers face fraud charges drowned York student A FORMER UNIVERSITY of York student and an accomplice have appeared in court charged housing crisis with 15 counts of fraud after attempting to cheat in an exam. Elnar Askerov of Azerbaijan, 22, and his French accomplice for third year Jerome Drean, 34, were both arrested at the University on May 11. >> NEWS P3 By Anjli Raval and the fact that the severe flooding in Nicky Woolf Hull “attracted a considerable Date for Entwistle number of sub-contractors to migrate towards the highly lucra- murder trial set THE UNIVERSITY OF YORK is tive flood clearing and renovation facing its third consecutive work,” leaving the Vanbrugh site THE DATE FOR the trial of Freshers’ Week accommodation without a sufficient workforce. Neil Entwistle, the York gradu- crisis, which will see 200 Vanbrugh The University has suffered a ate accused of the murder of his freshers forced into temporary similar crisis at the beginning of the wife and 9-month-old daughter, accommodation on campus and 47 previous two years. has been set for January 28 next Langwith students into a hotel, In 2006, students in year. He will be tried at the until construction of residential Langwith, Goodricke, Derwent and Superior Court in Middlesex, blocks is complete. Vanbrugh colleges suffered cuts to Massachusetts. >> NEWS P3 Students whose accommoda- facilities and kitchen refurbish- tion blocks have not been complet- ment work that overran its comple- Ex-YUSU President ed will stay in shared rooms in tion deadline and in 2005, con- Goodricke, Derwent and struction of the new Alcuin accom- runs for York Outer Wentworth Colleges, as well as modation blocks overran, forcing rooms in the National Science and freshers to be housed in the NSLC. FORMER YUSU President Learning Centre (NSLC), Franklin Anne-Marie Canning, YUSU James Alexander has been House, near Alcuin College, which President, was keen to stress that selected as Labour parliamen- normally acts as a hotel for confer- the University had “learned a lot tary candidate for York Outer, ence guests. from last year, and the problems the University’s local con- Due to the late running of they had with kitchens.” She con- stituency. Alexander has kitchen refurbishment, 47 new tinued, “They’ve communicated a appealed for student support at Langwith residents will have to lot better… they’ve learned how to the ballot box. >> NEWS P6 spend their Freshers’ Week com- handle situations much better.” muting to campus by University- Vanbrugh JCRC Chair, Ryan York Rugby Union organised coach from the Holiday Bennett, said “We’ve got a bit of a Inn Tadcaster Road, at a projected problem having our freshers spread team defeated cost to the University of £30,000. all over the place, which is going to The Vanbrugh accommoda- make it very difficult for our JCR. YORK RUGBY Union team suf- tion blocks are currently on a stag- “I sometimes think that the fered an unfortunate 34-12 gered completion schedule, which University doesn’t recognise how defeat to Sheffield University will see residents of Block 3 being difficult it is for us to organise a after a dogged display in their allocated their rooms on October Freshers’ Week. Obviously we put first pre-season match of the 26, Block 5 on November 16 and all our own money into printing new season. >> SPORT P20 Blocks 1 and 2 at the start of the things, and we’re going to incur a spring term. The displaced stu- lot of extra costs which we’re not dents will also be provided with going to get back from anywhere. meal vouchers. As things stand at the moment, According to the Director of we’ll have to manage those costs Ross Noble Estates Services, John Street, the ourselves, and we haven’t had any delays were caused by “the arrival help from the University on that on eskimos of the wet weather in June and which is a shame.” and Dutch July” which “caused considerable David Garner, the University’s flooding problems throughout the Press Officer, said: “These issues hookers partially completed buildings, most are due to a number of factors. It >> NEWS P4 - 5 of which were not wind and water- was always going to be a fairly tight tight.” The body of Robert Davies was found last week in the River Ouse >> MUSE P4-5 Street also drew attention to CONTINUED >> NEWS P2 near the A64 bridge, where flowers have been laid in tribute NOUSE :THE UNIVERSITY OF YORK STUDENT NEWSPAPER 2 News Tuesday October 9 2007

Student threatened Third freshers’ week housing with arrest by NYPD JOSHUA CHAMBERS, a second-year Politics and History student at York, crisis forces students off campus was threatened with arrest at the start of his placement year at Columbia University in New York. Security and << CONTINUED from front press coverage was high on September 24 when President Ahmadinejad of timetable to get all those Iran came to speak at Columbia blocks ready for the start University. A giant screen was erected of term” for students to watch the speaker. He continued: “As far Chambers said: “I had to push past as Langwith is concerned, crowds of protestors to enter campus, the progress of the work and had to show my ID to get through has been complicated by three different sets of barricades. At the complexities of work- one point I tried to sneak past the bar- ing in a building which has ricade when the NYPD weren't looking to be adapted to meet but they noticed and threatened me modern requirements. I with arrest.” think they’ve found that it took rather longer than anticipated. VC declines Iraq visit “Unfortunately that is how it is, and we’ve got to THE VICE-CHANCELLOR of the deal with the problem,” he University of York, Brian Cantor, said. The displaced stu- declined an invitation to the dents received the news in International Conference on Higher an email and a personal Education held in the Kurdish region phone call from the of northern Iraq, citing “security University. issues” as a motivating factor. Cantor Canning said that was given the option to nominate most students had reacted another member of staff to go in his positively to the news, say- place but this was also declined. Dr. ing, “they’re quite cool Al-Hussaini, the conference organiser about it, about finding The new Vanbrugh accommodation blocks are due to be completed during the next two terms. In the and a professor of architecture at the their roomies. Some of mean time, Vanbrugh students are being housed in shared rooms in other colleges across campus University of Westminister said he was them are a bit put out, “very disappointed” that no represen- obviously, but only natu- concluded. (well, I hope not!) I'm still 18, from Hertfordshire, “Freshers don’t care tatives from York would be attending rally so. They’re anxious The news has been generally a bit confused said that she was “a little the conference.The conference, which about coming to universi- met with mixed responses about where I'm living.” disappointed that I wasn't about the nuances of took place on September 4-6, aimed to ty. from the displaced stu- Marianna Wilde, 19, told sooner, but I can construction when assist the reconstruction of Iraqi high- “I can appreciate that dents. Ellie Whitwell, 20, from London, said “I'm understand why that hap- they’re kipping in a er education, improving the well-being freshers might be upset, from Nottingham, said: really excited, actually. It's pened.” She continued, “I Holiday Inn paid for and advancement of the Iraqi people. but we’re doing everything “It's a bit of a pain but I a good chance to get to am a little more apprehen- with our tuition fees” we can to ensure they get a don't think it will ruin my know people in another sive now that I know I am good Freshers’ Week,” she experience in any way college.” Ursula Krawczyk, sharing.” COMMENT >> P10 York ranked eighth in national league table

THE UNIVERSITY of York has been YUSU regains key vote on Student Services ranked as the eighth best UK universi- ty in the new Sunday Times University By Nicky Woolf mittee provided no stu- makes recommendations as accommodation, alco- of particular importance, Guide. The league table uses criteria dent vote, causing a storm to the Vice-Chancellor’s hol and drugs, careers, col- such as rent-setting. such as teaching excellence and DEPUTY NEWS EDITOR of controversy among Advisory Group, one of the lege bars and social facili- “We’ve never voted on research quality to give the universities YUSU and the student most powerful decision- ties, disability services and rent-setting and we can a ranking. York has consistently THE TWO VOTES of stu- media. But over the sum- making bodies at the health provision. understand why not,” said received high scores for teaching and dent representatives on mer, the University Senate University. The student vote is at Anne-Marie Canning, academic quality and competition for the restructured Student voted on an amended pro- Two student repre- the discretion of the Chair YUSU President. “Jane’s places remains fierce. The University Services Committee have posal keeping the student sentatives, YUSU of the committee, Pro-Vice pretty cool and we’ve got a of York's Deputy Vice-Chancellor been regained, following a votes intact. President and Academic Chancellor for Students good relationship with her. Professor Trevor Sheldon has said that YUSU outcry at their The new committee, and Welfare Officer, will Dr. Jane Grenville, who is Our vote on non-financial York’s high ranking “is a clear endorse- withdrawal last term. which has a wider remit sit and vote on the com- mandated not to allow the issues was what we were ment of our continuing commitment The original proposal than the Student Support mittee, which discusses student representatives to fighting for and we’ve got to academic quality, and the dedication for the restructured com- Committee it replaces, student policy issues such vote on financial matters it back.” and hard work of our staff”.

Who’s October 9 2007 ADVERTISING MANAGER: FEATURES EDITOR: CARTOONIST: In this edition www.NOUSE.co.uk NOUSE Chris Cowan Jo Shelley Chris Turner MANAGING DIRECTOR: FEATURES DEPUTY: B & R EDITOR: News 1-9 Grimston House (V/X/010) Post open Venetia Rainey Lauren Menzies Vanbrugh College SUBEDITORS: ARTS EDITORS: B & R DEPUTY: Comment 10-12 University of York Niamh Walsh Amy Milka Helen Citron Heslington Harriet Wray Amy Scott Letters 13 York SPORTS EDITOR: YO10 5DD NEWS EDITOR: ARTS DEPUTY: Daniel Whitehead Politics 14-16 Raf Sanchez Sarah Jeffries Email: [email protected] WEB EDITOR: NEWS DEPUTY: MUSIC EDITOR: Emma Gawen Sport 17-20 Nicky Woolf Sara Sayeed WEB DEPUTY: STAFF REPORTERS: MUSIC DEPUTY: Natasha Woodward Ross Noble M4-5 EDITOR: Hannah O’Shea Ben Rackstraw Heidi Blake PHOTO EDITOR: Extra-terrestrial life? M6-7 POLITICS EDITOR: FILM EDITOR: Ally Carmichael DEPUTY EDITORS: Alberto Furlan Dave Coates As the controversy over Madonna’s Jenny O’Mahony Madonna and Malawi M9 adoption of a Malawian child dies down Anjli Raval POLITICS DEPUTY: FILM DEPUTY: James MacDougald James Fanning Freshers’ special M12-15 in the UK, Nouse goes to Malawi to MUSE EDITOR: investigate the local reaction, and finds Ellen Carpenter COMMENT EDITOR: LAST WORD EDITOR: The opinions expressed in Listings M24 that all is not as it seems. Sam Thomas Nicky Woolf this publication are not PRODUCTION MANAGER: necessarily those of the Post open COMMENT DEPUTY: LISTINGS EDITOR: MUSE >> 10-11 Steph Dyson Daniel Ball editors,writers,or advertisers NOUSE: THE UNIVERSITY OF YORK STUDENT NEWSPAPER Tuesday October 9 2007 News 3 York student in fraud trial for cheating in exam

By Raf Sanchez be the fee paid to him by NEWS EDITOR Askerov. The conspiracy between the two is alleged to have lasted for 17 months, from A FORMER UNIVERSITY of January 2006 to May 2007, York student and an accomplice during which time Drean may have appeared in court charged have sat as many as four major with 15 counts of fraud after exams for Askerov. allegedly attempting to cheat in It is unclear why Drean, an exam. formerly a successful invest- Elnar Askerov of ment banking executive, agreed Azerbaijan, 22, and his French to undertake the risky venture accomplice Jerome Drean, 34, for relatively little pay. Drean were both arrested at the joined Credit Suisse as head of University on May 11 when it is European equity derivatives alleged that Drean was caught trading in April 2007 before impersonating Askerov in his resigning less than five weeks final year Economics exam. later, allegedly as a result of the The pair, who bear little cheating allegations. physical resemblance, appeared Two other men, York stu- before York Magistrates’ Court dent Qiu Shi Zhang and accom- on August 14, each facing 15 plice Xian Zhang, were arrested counts of fraud relating to the on the same day for similar but use of fake University identity unrelated offences. As Nouse POW JONATHAN cards. Neither defendant reported in June, both pleaded entered a plea at the hearing. guilty to multiple charges of The case has been adjourned fraud after Qiu Shi persuaded until November 12. Xian, a student from Askerov is charged with six Birmingham whom he knew counts of possessing an ID card from his home in Guangdong Qiu Shi nor Askerov were accused of things like academic Former York “A higher proportion of for the use of fraud, four counts province, China, to sit his exams student allowed to graduate due to the misconduct. The University of possessing a false ID card for for him. severity of their offences. A foreign students get needs to give its international Elnar use in fraud, and four charges of Xian was not an University spokesperson said: accused of academic students enough support and falsely claiming to be Drean. Economics student, and the Askerov “We cannot comment on indi- misconduct than home not just take their fees from Drean faces five counts of using court was told by the pair's (left) and vidual cases, however students them.” a false ID card to defraud the solicitor that Qiu Shi was suffer- found guilty of serious academ- students.The university Last year, there were 68 accomplice needs to give them University, four counts of pos- ing “something of a breakdown” Jerome ic misconduct, such as imper- cases of academic misconduct sessing an ID card for use in at the time of the offence. No sonation, are normally failed, more support” where students were warned fraud and four counts of falsely money was exchanged between Drean and are not allowed to re-sit that another offence would lead claiming to be Askerov. the two and both men were sen- (right) their degrees.” Foxton said: “I think the inter- to their expulsion. 15 were cases Drean is also accused of tenced to 100 hours of commu- Speaking at the end of last national students suffer from in which a student was caught possessing £4,000 in criminal nity service. term, former YUSU Academic more problems in this area. A in some form of cheating during assets in his home, believed to It is believed that neither and Welfare Officer Amy higher proportion of them get a University exam. Entwistle murder trial to take place in January

By Nicky Woolf stances, I find the entries family, all of whom had been report states that he was DEPUTY NEWS EDITOR into the Entwistles' home unable to contact her. placed under arrest without were reasonable.” The report of the incident on February 9 Entwistle graduated Middlesex, Massachusetts 2006, at approximately THE DATE FOR the trial of from the University of York District Attorney’s states 11:50am at Royal Oak tube Neil Entwistle, the York with a degree in Electronics that “while initially investi- station, by the Metropolitan graduate accused of the Engineering in 2002. He gators only detected one Police Extradition Unit. murder of his wife and 9- met his wife at the gunshot wound to Rachel On February 16, 2006, month-old daughter, has University, where they were Entwistle’s torso, autopsy before Framingham District been set for January 28, next both members of the Boat revealed that the cause of Court, Entwistle entered a year. He will be tried at the Club. death was a gunshot wound plea of not guilty, and was Superior Court in Middlesex, He is accused of shoot- to the head.” ordered held without bail by Massachusetts. ing his wife Rachel, 27, and It continues: “The Chief Judge Robert Greco. A defence motion to their 9-month-old daughter Medical Examiner found Entwistle’s name has suppress evidence, arguing Lillian with his father-in- Lillian’s cause of death to be been linked to several that the police were acting law’s handgun. a single gunshot wound to pornography websites and illegally when they searched Their bodies were dis- the abdomen. Both deaths internet scams, including his house and found the bod- covered by police in their were ruled homicides.” srpublications.co.uk and ies of his wife and daughter, home in Hopkinton, Entwistle flew to the deephotsex.com. was rejected by Judge Diane Massachusetts on January UK just hours after his wife These domain names Kottmyer at a pre-trial hear- Neil Entwistle will face trial in America on January 28 22, 2006. and daughter were shot. His are registered in Entwistle’s ing on August 30. next year for the murder of his wife and daughter The police conducted BMW was found abandoned name to the address of his Kottmyer said that Rachel Entwistle had not “The officers never two “well-being checks” on several days later outside previous student house on police were justified in enter- responded to phone calls stepped out of their commu- the home after being alerted Logan airport in Boston by Heslington Road, just min- ing the house on January 21 from family and friends, and nity care role," Kottmyer by Rachel Entwistle’s mother police. utes away from the and 22, 2006 because feared for her safety. said. “In these circum- and several friends of the The District Attorney’s University of York campus. NOUSE: THE UNIVERSITY OF YORK STUDENT NEWSPAPER 4 News Tuesday October 9 2007 Tributes paid to the life of Robert

By Raf Sanchez helicopter was brought in to aid to King’s Staithe, along the River in the search. Ouse to Fulford Road and on NEWS EDITOR The tragedy comes just through Hospital Fields or under a year after the death of Maple Grove to Heslington THE BODY OF missing third-year Archaeology student Lane." Police hypothesised that University of York student Robert Ailwood, 22, who he may have gone to another bar Robert Davies, 20, has been drowned in the River Foss after a instead of returning straight found in the River Ouse accord- night out with friends in York. home. ing to police sources, though it An inquest later found that Davies’ parents held an has not yet been formally identi- Ailwood’s death was alcohol emotional press conference on fied. related. September 28, several days The body was discovered by Davies was last seen by door before the discovery of the body. a member of the public on staff outside Ziggy’s nightclub on Davies’ mother Kim said: "He October 1 near the A64 road Micklegate at approximately was on top of the world. I want bridge just outside York. 12.38 am. Davies, who had been to appeal to anyone who thinks Inspector Nigel Slater said: “We previously been drinking in they might have seen him to con- now believe that the body recov- Monty’s and the Priory, was tact us. I want to hold my son ered from the River Ouse is that refused entry to the club on again, I want him back." She of the missing Yorkshire student grounds of intoxication, accord- added: “It's as though he has just Robert Davies. A post-mortem ing to Ziggy’s management. been plucked...just taken.” examination has been completed Police confirmed that they had A co-ordinated search of the and while the cause of death is reviewed the footage taken from University by police and ground still to be ascertained it is not the nightclub’s cameras and staff checked over 4,000 rooms believed to be suspicious.” A for- agreed with the door staff’s to see if Davies had returned to mal identification of the body assessment that Davies was campus to seek shelter. Members has yet to take place and may not heavily intoxicated. One of of the public were also urged by be possible until sometime next Davies’ friends was taken away police to check their sheds and week, according to police. in an ambulance, according to gardens. Davies’ family and friends door staff. Davies’ family has prepared have begun arrangements for a In the footage, Davies is a statement but will not release it funeral, which will take place in seen arriving at the club with a until the body of has been for- Bury, his hometown outside glass taken from the previous mally identified. The University Manchester, on either October bar. The glass was later found by has released a statement saying 12 or 15. The University has police further down Micklegate, “Although there has been no for- arranged a coach to take stu- according to Ziggy’s manage- mal identification as yet, we dents wishing to attend and ment. Police have refused to understand that the indications return them to York later that comment on this detail, saying it are that the body discovered in night. is part of an “ongoing investiga- the River Ouse is Robert's. Our The discovery of the body tion.” thoughts are with his family at comes at the end of an eight-day Before attempting to enter this extremely distressing time. search for the third-year the nightclub, Davies had told The Department of Chemistry, Chemistry student, who went friends that he intended to and the University as a whole, is missing after a night out with return to his house on offering support to his friends friends on Saturday, September Heslington Lane, where he never here.” YUSU has prepared a 22. Both the River Foss and the arrived. A police spokesman statement but have declined to Robert Davies was last seen outside Ziggy’s nightclub early on September 23 River Ouse were searched by said: “His normal route would release it until the body has been The last images of him, captured on CCTV outside the club, are shown below police and fire crews. An RAF have taken him over Ouse Bridge formally identified.

Parents of Robert Davies thank TIMELINE OF EVENTS September 14 -Davies returns September 24: Police and students for their help in search to York. fire crews search the River Ouse. Davies description is September 22 - Evening: THE PARENTS OF missing Davies’ friends from his hometown us find Rob. It shows how much peo- circulated by police. Davies goes into town with University of York student Robert of Bury travelled to York to take part. ple care about him and how much we friends. September 26: RAF Sea Davies have thanked students for Davies’ father, Tony, expressed want him back.” King Helicopter joins the their help in searching for their son. his gratitude to students saying The search yielded a number of September 23 - 00.35: Davies search. Using a Facebook group entitled “We're overwhelmed by the mes- reported sightings, including a claim tries to enter Ziggy's nightclub ‘Find Rob Davies’, which now has sages of support that we continue to that Davies had been seen as late as September 28: Davies' par- but is turned away by over 2300 members, the missing receive, and are so grateful to Rob's Tuesday night. The witness said he ents hold a press conference doorstaff. This is the last con- student’s friends organised volun- friends for giving their time on saw someone who resembled Davies appealing for information. teers to walk around York with pic- Saturday night to circulate his pic- banging bottles together near the firmed sighting of him. tures, appealing for information. ture around the pubs and clubs.” river, close to Skeldergate. Other October 1: Body found in September 23 - Afternoon: Over 40 students joined the Third-year Chemistry student reports from witnesses put Davies the River Ouse. September 29 search, designed to James Koziaryn, one of a number of near Reflex at around 1 am on the Davies’ housemates report catch regular drinkers and club- students who helped to organise the morning he went missing. The police him missing to the police October 2: A police source goers who might have seen Davies search, said: “It was great to see so have been unable to substantiate any when he fails to return home. confirms the body is Davies the previous week. A number of many people turn out to try and help of the reports. NOUSE: THE UNIVERSITY OF YORK STUDENT NEWSPAPER Tuesday October 9 2007 News 5 Davies as body is found in river

Family and friends pay tribute: “He lived life to the full, and no one can take that from him”

By Raf Sanchez of Davies from both university his son was “the kind of lad that NEWS EDITOR and home. Koziaryn was also anyone would be proud to have A SELECTION OF ONLINE TRIBUTES raised in Bury and both men as a son. He was so happy to be “Rob took things as they came, attended Castlebrook Highs going back to York for his third “Rob was one of a tiny number of FRIENDS AND family of School and Holycross College year of university, he loved the and was able to make the best of people in York I felt comfortable Robert Davies have paid tribute before moving to York for uni- place.” He added: “If you talked every situation. Aside from with during this period of time. I to the life of the third year versity. In their first year, they to him it might well have been being hilarious and entertaining could talk to him without being so University of York student established Paintball Society, of about football - he was a big both in our house and on nights nervous I sounded like I had a whose body has been found in which Davies was treasurer. The Man City fan - his music, or his out, he was incredibly intelligent speech impediment. I was never the river but not yet formally society collapsed after the two recent trip to Thailand with his and thoughtful. He had an paranoid about him. I always identified. left but has since been revived. mates.” inquisitive, serious side, always knew where I stood with him. He Davies, born November 20, The two travelled to Davies was a skilled pianist questioning the world around was an honest, friendly and damn 1986, was entering into his Thailand over the summer with who liked to play to help him- him and thinking about the funny guy that I am honoured to third year of a four year Masters another friend from home, visit- self relax. His parents had meaning of life. I hope that have known, and I'd have felt so Degree in Chemistry at the ing Bangkok and attending a bought him a piano before he wherever he is, he's been able to much lonelier back then if I didn't University of York. He was suc- Half Moon party on Ko Samui. returned to York as an early find some answers.” know him. I feel as though I owe cessful academically and had After Davies went missing in birthday present. He would already secured a place in the the early hours of September have been 21 in November. him so much.” final year of the programme. 23, Koziaryn and a number of Davies has been planning to “Rob, you were a true gentle- Speaking to Nouse, other students helped to organ- teach his housemates to play man, a kind and genuine guy - a “Rob was one of the nicest, most Davies’s younger sister, Helen, ise the volunteer search that after his return to York. real credit to your parents. You genuine people I've ever met, and who has just begun her first went into York appealing for Andy Day, who also helped made an impression on everyone the world has lost one of its good year at the University of information. to organise the search said: you met, as is evident by the people. I'm so sorry Rob, you were Lancaster, said: “I would like to Koziaryn said of his friend: “Rob was one of the nicest guys support given by all who joined too young we all miss you.” thank everyone for putting so “He was one of a kind, I’ve never I’ve ever met and one of my best this group and tried to help find much effort into helping find met anyone like him in my life. friends, and I know that me and you.” “I only met Rob a few times but I Rob; we all really appreciate He was never one to take centre all the people who were lucky remember him as such a sweet everything that you did and our stage but was one of those peo- enough to know him have lost a “May he rest in peace and may and funny and smiley guy. I've thoughts are with all of his ple who was always there for great friend.” we all take a few monents out of been following this all week hop- friends who will be grieving like you. He was a fun-loving, gen- Phil Lester lived in the our daily lives to reflect and us. My big brother really was a uine and selfless friend who was same house as Davies in both ing it might all be a mistake. 20 is great guy and even though 20 taken too early. He will be forev- his first and second year. When remember not only Rob but his so unthinkably young, he had his isn't a great age he lived his er remembered and sorely Davies went missing Lester closest family and friends.” whole life ahead of him. Rest in whole life to the full and no one missed.” posted a highly viewed video on peace, Rob, I can't believe this has can take that away from him.” Davies had little idea what YouTube appealing for informa- “I didn't know Rob, but the happened.” Davies was from Bury, a he wanted to do after university. tion. number of people that helped former mill town just north of Koziaryn said: “We used to talk Lester has said: “Rob was with the search shows true testa- “Rob was truly a wonderful, funny, Greater Manchester with a pop- about it a lot. I was sure I want- an amazing friend and we miss ment to his character and the generous, sensible kid/young man, ulation of 60,000, and was an ed nothing to do with him so much. He would always University's spirit. This story who will be missed by many. It avid supporter of Manchester Chemistry but Rob really didn’t have time for his friends and touched the heart of many in was obvious he was brought up by City FC. The religious views sec- know. He was like any normal was always there when we need- York, even those who didn't a kind and loving family to whom tion of his Facebook profile was student that way.” ed him. Our house feels empty know him. Everyone I spoke to my heart goes out. Never to be for- filled in “God is a Man City Fan”. Speaking at a press confer- without him. Thanks to all of that night wished they knew gotten and always to be remem- James Koziaryn, a third year ence before the discovery of the Rob's friends for being so kind Chemistry student, was a friend body, Davies’ father, Tony, said during this awful time.” something that could help.” bered.” NOUSE: THE UNIVERSITY OF YORK STUDENT NEWSPAPER 6 News Tuesday October 9 2007 Election hopes for ex-SU President

By Raf Sanchez “Even though I’m young, I’ve led a NEWS EDITOR life. I came from an inner city poor POLITICAL HISTORY school, I’ve come from a single par- ent background, I’ve managed to March 2003: Alexander FORMER YUSU President James work hard and try and achieve elected to the post of YUSU Alexander has been selected as something, I think, that sets an Treasurer with friend Ozzy Labour parliamentary candidate example to other people while at Atton. Promises “to make for York Outer, the University’s the same time also shows that hard finance more fun”. local constituency. He has appealed work does pay off.” for student support in a general Alexander expressed confi- February 2004: Alexander election. dence that Gordon Brown would causes controversy by Alexander was elected as call a general election for attempting to bring forward a councillor for Holgate ward in the November 1. He said: “I think it no-confidence motion May local elections and almost [the election] can happen anytime against Societies officer Dave immediately launched a bid for soon. I worked a bit for the Labour Sammels. The motion fails. selection as Labour’s parliamentary Party and I’ve been saying for ages candidate. He defeated fellow kind of October, November time. March 2004: Narrowly councillor Paul Blanchard to the I’ve been saying it since February defeats former Goodricke nomination in the first round of and everyone’s said no, I was crazy. JCRC Chair Tom Jones to the voting on September 19. Now it looks like it going to happen position of YUSU President Alexander, YUSU President which is advantageous to the in the fifth round of voting. 2004-05, describes himself as “an national party but not necessarily Quoted as saying: “I’ve made ordinary guy trying to do extraordi- advantageous to me.” Brown has it. This shows that someone nary things.” He has appealed to since killed speculation over a from my background can be students to support his candidacy November 1 election. A May elec- president.” saying: “This is a marginal con- tion seems more likely, although it stituency, students will have the could be delayed until as late as October 2004: Alexander option to vote on campus and I 2010. clashes with campus media think it is important that they vote In aid of his bid for the nomi- after refusing to allow the for someone who has represented nation, Alexander created a num- publication of the names of students before and will do a good ber of videos which he posted on four students charged with job. his website, time-4-change.org.uk. violent assault. His friend “Never in the history of the In ‘The York Outer Video’ and YUSU Treasurer Ozzy University has a former YUSU Alexander says: “I really enjoy Atton is amongst them and is president stood for a parliamentary modern campaign methods and later imprisoned. Alexander seat that covers the University. This feel that video is more personable is famously quoted as saying: could lay to rest the final question than leaflets ever can be.” He stands “I would be prepared to about the central bar and venue.” by a projected image of York Outer, defend a rapist if they were The new York Outer ‘donut’ which turns into the Houses of still a student.” constituency, which completely Parliament at the snap of a finger. encircles the current York Central Alexander was a controversial May 2007: elected Labour constituency, currently has no president, allegedly counting councillor for Holgate ward Labour council representation and drinkers at Derwent bar as atten- in the City of York. is widely considered to be a two dees during a UG, in order to reach horse race between Liberal- quoracy. Alexander was also September 2007: Alexander Democrats and Conservatives. accused of authoritarianism after selected as Labour parlia- Alexander said this view was “com- refusing to allow media stories on mentary candidate for the plete rubbish.” the arrest of his YUSU Treasurer new constituency of York Alexander has rejected claims Ozzy Atton for a violent assault. Outer. Appeals for student that, at 24, he is too young to enter support in a general election. the House of Commons. He said: COMMENT >> P10 - 11 James Alexander has appealed for student support in a general election HSBC u-turn on overdrafts YUSU accepts mistakes

By Jennifer O’Mahony Facebook was instrumental in the over ethical merchandise victory: "By setting up a group on a DEPUTY EDITOR site that is incredibly popular with By Raf Sanchez Canning said: "It's a sad situation." students, it enabled us to contact NEWS EDITOR Both Canning and Carter claimed HSBC HAS abandoned plans to our members during the summer the action did not violate YUSU's scrap students' interest free over- vacation far more easily than would ethical merchandise policy as no drafts immediately upon gradua- otherwise have been possible. It YUSU HAS ADMITTED making a money was exchanged for the tion, following widespread protest also meant that we could involve mistake in accepting six free t- shirts. and pressure from the NUS. our former members - the gradu- shirts produced by Fruit of the Academic and Welfare Officer HSBC had planned to charge ates who were going to be most Loom, a company frequently con- Grace Fletcher-Hall has refused to students leaving university last affected by this policy." demned by human rights groups wear the t-shirts on the grounds summer 9.9% interest on their Under mounting pressure, for the exploitation of workers in they are not ethically produced but overdrafts. HSBC announced a reversal of the the developing world, to wear dur- would not comment on the deci- Previously, recent graduates policy at the end of August. A press ing Freshers’ Week. sion of other officers to wear them. had their interest free overdrafts release from the bank stated it was AU President Jo Carter In a YUSU document entitled maintained for three years after "not too big to listen to the needs of accepted the shirts, to be worn by ‘Ethical Merchandise’, a section leaving university, giving them time [its] customers." YUSU Sabbatical officers during describes “shocking violations of to find a job and begin to earn a The decision was welcomed by Freshers' Week, from sports mer- workers’ rights by clothing compa- salary. the NUS, with a spokesman saying chandise company ADM, with nies like Fruit of the Loom (includ- HSBC had complained that HSBC has abandoned plans to recently, "We are pleased that whom the AU has a line of credit. ing forced pregnancy tests in order the extended interest free over- charge graduates 10% interest HSBC has recognised that this pol- Carter admitted that she, and a to fire pregnant employees)”. drafts had been "abused" in the icy would hit graduates just as they numer of other sabbatical officers, YUSU have ensured that this past, with graduates switching Facebook group entitled 'Stop the are at their most vulnerable. including President Anne-Marie year’s Viking Raid t-shirts are fair- banks frequently and not forming a Great HSBC Rip-Off' attracted “Students often struggle in low Canning, knew the shirts were trade, unlike the Fruit of the Loom "long-term relationship" with a thousands of student members and paid, insecure jobs upon gradua- Fruit of the Loom before accepting shirts used last year. A press release specific bank. quickly became a platform for tion and the prospect of having the them. sent out by YUSU stated: “YUSU The change in policy was met NUS-directed action. security of the interest-free gradu- Carter said: "With hindsight, has worked very hard to find a sup- with widespread protest from cur- Wes Streeting, NUS Vice- ate service pulled from under their the decision to accept the shirts was plier to provide 1700 ethical t- rent students and graduates. A President (Education) said that feet is clearly unacceptable." clearly a very, very bad move." shirts.” NOUSE: THE UNIVERSITY OF YORK STUDENT NEWSPAPER Tuesday October 9 2007 News 7 Campus expansion plans compromised by early difficulties

By Nicky Woolf Village, and will raise the “It always was an ambi- DEPUTY NEWS EDITOR University’s student popula- tious target,” he added. “I tion to 15,400. think now we’d be very, very Features of the new lucky to make it through, THE £500 MILLION plan campus will include an though I still am hopeful for the Heslington East cam- advanced sports facility, that we will.” pus expansion is falling including an 8-lane swim- Goodricke College cur- behind schedule already, as ming pool, a dance and mar- rently runs one of the most concerns are being raised tial arts studio, climbing wall successful campus bars, about financial issues and and a three court indoor ten- McQ’s, but architectural con- planning constraints. nis hall, an internal transit cept drawings of the new col- Under the original system and two 550-seat lege do not feature a bar. schedule, the Phase One restaurants. Wardle, who sits on the planning application was to There are also plans to Heslington East Working have been lodged in mid- build a central multi-pur- Group which discusses plans October. pose 1500 capacity student for the new Goodricke, said: However, at the time of “It seems that some of the going to print, the University “It seems that some of original, very exciting plans is still in negotiations with the original, very had to be scaled down a bit preferred architects BDP. exciting plans had to due to financial issues and In a recent statement, the fact that at the end of the the University said that it be scaled down a bit day everything’s got to fit was “still working on the due to financial into a budget. planning application for issues and the fact “They’re not going to go Phase One of the University that at the end of the on and keep college bars, by expansion,” and that “the ini- day everything’s got the looks of things at the tial planning application is moment. The student likely to be before the City of to fit into a budget” venue’s been brought for- York Council early in the ward, from the information New Year.” venue at which large-scale I’ve been told, and hopefully Phase One of the devel- events such as Freshers’ Ball that’ll be done as soon as opment includes the depart- and Grad Ball can be held. possible.” ments of Theatre Film and Ben Wardle, current However, Jane Television and Electronics, a Goodricke JCRC Chair, said: Clarbour, Goodricke College central hub structure incor- “On the whole it’s still look- Provost, said: “Everything’s porating social space and a ing really good. We’ve got under discussion, there’s lecture theatre, and the new fantastic architects, the been no final decisions made Goodricke College. designs are looking amazing, as far as I’m aware.” David The Heslington East and it’s going to be a great Garner, the University’s expansion was given govern- opportunity for everyone Press Officer, said: “No final ment approval in May 2007 involved.” decision has been taken on and, if building plans are However, he expressed anything in terms of the approved, will contain six concern “that people will be detail, because the planning departments, four colleges, moving into a building site, application is still being sports, catering, bar and con- and things won’t be complet- developed.” ference facilities. ed in time for the new cam- He concluded: “The It will be built on green- pus to be open in 2009- decision on bars has not Top: proposed plans for Heslington East phase one, including the new Goodricke. belt land east of Heslington 2010. been taken.” Bottom: The Glasgow Science Centre, one previous project by architects BDP Advertising ban costs YUSU Gender equality awards

By Raf Sanchez Services and Finance Officer, In an attempt to overturn the for science departments NEWS EDITOR Matt Burton, said it was believed at ban, Sinclair’s have given YUSU a the time that the ban was imposed written statement of understand- By Jennifer O’Mahony Professor Paul Walton, head of that advertising could be made up ing in which they promise not to the Department of Chemistry, said: A SELF-IMPOSED ban on provid- from other sources. Over the sum- allow first years to view houses DEPUTY EDITOR "We are reaping the rewards of ing advertising for property rental mer, however, YUSU advertising before Christmas. The move is years of commitment to the Athena businesses may be revoked at the revenue fell by £1000. The deci- intended to allay concerns that the THE CHEMISTRY Department at Swan principles. next Executive meeting, after it sion will be reviewed at the first advertising can cause undue worry the University of the York has "Women chemists at York - cost YUSU and affiliated societies Executive meeting of term. among first years about finding a become the first in the country to whether undergraduates or profes- over £1,000 pounds in revenue to Burton said: “While finance is house. receive an Athena Swan golden sors - are confident that their date. always one of your key concerns, Bad Taste Magazine, which award for its commitment to fur- careers are treated seriously. We The ban on advertising in the that is not the main reason for the was told by the YUSU Marketing thering women in the sciences. The have a high proportion of senior first term was proposed at a Senate reconsideration. It’s always a bal- Department that it was not allowed Departments of Chemistry, Biology women academic staff and a great meeting in Week 2 of last term by ancing act between financial needs to accept advertising from and Psychology all hold silver awareness of potential obstacles to former Academic and Welfare for all areas of the Union against Sinclair’s, stands to lose £475 if a awards while the University been career progress.” Officer Amy Foxton. It was intend- making sure our communications decision is not reached before their given a bronze award. Professor Graham Hitch, head ed to keep first year students from policy is not misleading.” print deadline. The award, jointly funded by of the Psychology Department, panicking unnecessarily about the Niall MacTurk, the Managing Burton said that the minutes the UK Resource Centre for said: "We are committed to provid- need to find a house early in the Director of Sinclaire’s, one of York’s of the meeting in which the ban Women in Science, Engineering ing better career opportunities for academic year. main property rental businesses, was decided on were never ratified, and Technology (UKRC) and women. The ban would prevent prop- said: “We’re a little bit annoyed that possibly voiding them as Union Equality Challenge Unit (ECU), "This award recognises our erty rental businesses from adver- we are not being allowed to adver- policy. When asked if he would was given to the department in dedication to the goal of removing tising on YUSU promotional tise. We spend thousands on the encourage societies to ignore the recognition of its commitment to barriers to women in science, help- posters, term calendars and the AU University and that is being cur- ban as a result Burton refused to supporting women in reaching the ing us to make the most of the tal- Handbook. tailed.” comment. top levels in the sciences. ents of our staff." Sponsored by NOUSE: THE UNIVERSITY OF YORK STUDENT NEWSPAPER 8 News Snappy Snaps Tuesday October 9 2007 Survey results paint mixed picture of students’ academic satisfaction

By Anjli Raval prised a large number of DEPUTY EDITOR PEP, Politics, Electronics and Economics students. Academic and Welfare RESULTS FROM an inde- Officer, Grace Fletcher-Hall pendent study published by said: “I've been working with YUSU and the Graduate the University on a proposal Students’ Association (GSA) for common assessment have shown generally high periods, which will hopefully levels of student satisfaction mean assessed work can be with their degrees, though marked faster and thus give alarming areas of weakness- more opportunity for es have been revealed in improved feedback.” some academic departments. She continued: “Other The independent report issues such as contact hours made by YUSU and the may require more of a cul- GSA, includes areas covered ture change, but I really in the Quality Assurance think it's important for us to Agency’s institutional audit, keep up the pressure as these such as facilities, departmen- issues are vitally important tal feedback and supervisory to students.” support. Departments such Combined degrees were as Computer Science, criticised for poor communi- Biology, Chemistry, Physics cation between departments, and Maths flourish in most which has resulted in confu- categories, while weaknesses sion for students who have are apparent in constantly to switch between Management, PEP and departments to find infor- Education. mation. Different mark Although only 25% of schemes were also highlight- students responded to the Minimal contact time Being a joint degree ed as a problem. student survey, the results 69% “ of as little as two hours 77% “student is hard work. 73% of students still show the main trends believed the amount of The percentage of students a week is not accept- The percentage of students There is nobody to help and highlight key problems. who rated the library able. It is difficult to who felt the amount of con- you who can give you assessed and procedural When students were resources as either ‘Good’ or see where our money tact hours they recieved was categorical answers to work set was ‘About Right’. asked how they would rate ‘Excellent’. is being spent. ‘About Right’. questions However, Management and the facilities needed to com- Education students plete their degree at York, ” ” expressed concern at not 79% of those who completed the library resources as was classified, with 55% ‘About Right’ or ‘Adequate’. to attend one two-hour sem- receiving enough procedural the survey rated them as either ‘Good’ or ‘Excellent’. believing that they knew However some students have inar per week.” assignments. either ‘Good’ or ‘Excellent’. No department rated the exactly what was expected of said that the amount of time Although 87% of stu- Graduates were shown The majority of students library as ‘Excellent’ overall them to be successful. About was lower than it should be, dents rated departmental to feel that the provision of within this rating category and complaints were made 65% of students felt that the particularly with regards to feedback as satisfactory or research space and resources were from Science related about the limited amount of supervisory support they arts degrees. One English better, there was a huge dis- is generally good, however departments where facilities books available to students, received was either ‘Good’ or student quoted in the survey crepancy between subjects. study areas in departments such as labs are considered particularly in the humani- ‘Excellent’. has said “motivation is diffi- 22% of those who completed such as English and History to be vital for degree pro- ties. 77% thought that the cult to find, even among the the survey felt that academic of Art are well below average, grammes. 82% of students under- number of contact hours most dedicated students, feedback was ‘Poor’ or especially for long research 69% of students rated stood the way their degree received by students was when you are only required ‘Appalling’. This figure com- projects. ‘Trevor’ passes away at age 16 York in University

By Raf Sanchez Shelducks to campus as Trevor enjoyed near- Challenge success NEWS EDITOR there “are no funds available celebrity status on campus for buying ducks.” He added: during his life, with two rival By Helen Citron point, Paxman reprimanded “If the Students’ Union Facebook groups set up in York’s team as Waddington, THE UNIVERSITY of York’s would like to fundraise to his honour. NEWS CORRESPONDENT conferring with his team- most famous wildfowl, a buy more Ruddy Shelducks The University of York mates on a question about golden-tinted Ruddy we would be grateful.” campus is a major wildlife DESPITE A SHAKY start, politicians said, “Nigel Shelduck, known variously Last term, Nouse preserve with over 200 acres The University of York’s Lawson was a drinker”, lead- as ‘Trevor’ and ‘Fit Duck’, has reported that Trevor may of landscaped parkland. As University Challenge team of ing Paxman to warn: “watch passed away aged 16. have been depressed, accord- well as numerous duck vari- John Bull, James Quelch, out for the libel, will you.” Dr. Barry Thomas, a ing to the Royal Society for eties, the campus is also Isabel Buxton and Simon Another notable moment chemistry lecturer and the Protection of Birds home to a number of swans Waddington are through to came as Quelch interrupted expert on campus wildlife, (RSPB). A spokesperson for and geese. the next stage of the compe- Paxman, providing an confirmed that Trevor’s body the society said: “It is possi- According to the web- tition after a victory over St answer to a question which was found near the Politics ble that birds can suffer from site DuckDensity.org, the George’s, London. had barely been asked. department in Derwent in something resembling the University of York has the After 10 minutes of St George’s, a medical mid-July. Dr. Thomas said: Campus celebrity,Trevor human emotion of depres- highest density of ducks of questions, St George’s led by school, fared well on science- “It probably died of natural University where it is pro- sion.” any university in the UK, 60 points to 35. York howev- based rounds with questions causes, it was at least 16 tected from predators.” Trevor is survived by his with a score 15.2 ducks/rood. er steadily gained confi- on blood and black holes years old. It was in a poor Trevor was introduced current mate, a female The website, set up by for- dence, eventually overtaking proving particularly fruitful. way for a while but had noth- to campus six years ago with Common Shelduck named mer York students with an the London university. However, despite persistent ing obviously wrong with it.” a mate, another Ruddy Jazzy. The pair were part- enthusiasm for ducks, calcu- A round focussing on efforts to regain the lead, He added: “A duck’s nat- Shelduck who disappeared ners for several years before lates that there are .08 ducks Milton’s ‘Paradise Lost’ was York’s team remained on top ural life span can be up to 20 shortly after arriving. Trevor’s death, but were per student at the University. greeted with elation from with Paxman concluding by years. It would never achieve Dr. Thomas said there never able to successfully Leeds University comes a the York team, which con- congratulating York on their that in the wild but can in were currently no plans to mate due to biological distance second with just 6.5 sisted of two English the final score, winning 175 captivity, in a place like the introduce more Ruddy incompatibility. ducks/rood. Literature students. At one points to 130. NOUSE :THE UNIVERSITY OF YORK STUDENT NEWSPAPER Sponsored by Tuesday October 9 2007 Snappy Snaps News 9 Who’s YUSU? Profiles of the main players and analysis of the key issues facing this year’s Students’ Union Executive

ANNE-MARIE CANNING MATT BURTON SAM BAYLEY PRESIDENT SERVICES & FINANCE SOCIETIES & COMMUNICATIONS Former James Chair Former Goodricke Chair Former Halifax President Graduate in English and Graduate of Management Accomplished football referee Related Literature with 2:1 with unknown degree class and ex-Harrods sales executive Promises to restore YUSU’s Spent £800 of JCRC money Graduate of Management with “charisma” on a Hasslehoff impersonator unknown degree class Responsible for organising Ambitious financial policies Long-running feud with ex- NUS referendum sometimes poorly realised Halifax Chair James Flinders PROFILE PROFILE PROFILE Anne Marie Canning came to the post of YUSU Despite his brief stewardship as Service and Finance Running successfully on an electoral ticket that promised President promising to restore “the charisma” of the sab- Officer, Matt Burton has already been at the centre of a streamlining, efficiency and experience, Sam Bayley is batical team. As well as being a highly effective cam- number of controversies. On election results night he well set to carry out his responsibilities as Societies and paigner, she hopes to bring a pharmacy to campus. Seen publicly accused opponent and former Vanbrugh chair, Communications Officer. He has already acted upon his as being less prone to gaffes than Service and Finance Mickey Macefield, of “playing dirty” and claimed to have manifesto promise to update the YUSU website. A stick- Officer Matt Burton, with whom she was in a relation- “wiped the floor with him.” Burton has a sharp business ler for efficiency, he has pioneered a new system for run- ship at the time of the election, Canning is a unifying mind, and is capable of managing YUSU’s financial ning the YUSU office on an appointment-only basis. presence on the Executive. She is seen as savvy and effi- assets, although he is sometimes over-ambitious in his Compared to the expansive personalities of Canning and cient, having brought together the range of ideologues proposals. His manifesto pledge of opening a student Burton, Bayley’s style is more reserved. However, he has and pragmatists that currently make up the sabbatical venue in the city was met with derision by some, and the been one of the driving forces behind the new smarten- team. Canning is hugely ambitious; having been Head plan of having his own internet company B3 host YUSU’s ing-up of the YUSU office, and insists upon wearing a suit Girl at her senior school, she became involved in the run- website was thwarted. Burton’s controversies are seen as every day. His move to ban jeans from the YUSU office ning of YUSU as a first year without an elected post. a potential source of embarrassment for the President. was met with resistance from other sabbs.

JOEY ELLIS GRACE FLETCHER-HALL JO CARTER DEVELOPMENT & CHARITIES ACADEMIC & WELFARE AU PRESIDENT Former Student Action Chair Former Policy & Campaigns Former AU Press & Publicity Officer Officer Ex URY Station Manager Graduate in Politics and English and Related Literature Graduate of English Philosophy Graduate Language and Linguistics Poor relations with Rich Croker Former Hockey Club President In a long-term relationship with former YUSU President Shaved her head after defeat Took part in a sponsored bike Rich Croker in York council elections ride from York to Amsterdam PROFILE PROFILE PROFILE Unlike her Executive colleagues, Ellis is from a from a Academic and Welfare Officer Grace Fletcher-Hall pro- Jo Carter beat the former AU Vice-President Nick largely non-YUSU background. Her position as Student vides an ideological counterpoint to some of her more Hassey by a narrow margin to obtain her position as AU Development and Charities Officer was the only uncon- pragmatic Executive colleagues, coming from a back- President. She has followed in the footsteps of her pred- tested sabbatical position, though she is generally seen as ground of high-profile student activism. She ran as ecessor, Tom Moore, setting herself the task of creating a a well-qualified candidate for the job. Ellis has an exten- Labour’s candidate for the local council ward of more efficient, coordinated and accessible AU which has sive charity and fundraising background, having served Heslington, but was beaten by the incumbent Liberal the potential to be an effective charity fundraiser. Carter as both RAG and Student Action rep for Vanbrugh Democrat despite energetic campaigning. A strong fem- has also promised to do more for low profile clubs which College, going on to become YUSU Student Action chair inist voice, Fletcher-Hall is sometimes accused of taking don’t receive the same levels of sponsorship as the major last year. She played an important role in helping to political correctness to unnecessary extremes, having at sports clubs and aims to better York’s position on a achieve RAG's record-breaking £33,000 total for last one point attempted to remove 'lads mags' from the national level. Until the recent Fruit of the Loom inci- year. Promising to “raise the profile on campus of shelves of Your:Shop. She has already broken ranks with dent, when she sourced unethically produced t-shirts for Student Action and RAG”, Ellis is optimistic that RAG her fellow Sabbatical officers this year by refusing, for the sabbatical officers to wear during Freshers’ Week, can again exceed last year's total. ethical reasons, to wear their Fruit of the Loom t-shirts Carter has kept a relatively low profile.

WEB-CANNING Fairtrade, NUS and Heslington East This week’s snapshot from YUSU’s web-cam likely to top union agenda this year

MICKYARMSTRONG avoided giving this year any juice bar have been to the NUS on campus, the famously announced that such title aside from, “A scrapped after the issue will still have to be the year of his YUSU really good year, hopefully.” University announced a handled carefully if YUSU’s Presidency, 2006-07, was to Initially, a ‘Year of nearly identical venture in commitment to direct be a ‘Year of Reform’. Things Expansion’ seemed fitting the Roger Kirk Centre. Still, democracy is to be demon- did change, but Micky’s with the prospect of a Union lobbying for student facili- strated. A low turnout is reforms left YUSU battered venue in the city and negoti- ties on Heslington East will likely to be seen as a failure and on the verge of a consti- ations for student facilities remain a priority for this to overcome voter apathy. tutional crisis. Incoming on Heslington East likely to Executive team and proba- The issue of ethical President, Rich Croker, be a main focus. bly for many to come. merchandise has already declared a ‘Year of Recent developments Much time will be flared up this term and Consolidation’ in response, make that title less apt. The spent in the first term YUSU will be keen to avoid designed to restore YUSU’s city venue seems all but for- organising the NUS referen- another embarassment. The confidence and allow it to gotten in light of the dum and working to inform Ethical Merchandise In the interests of will be monitor- webcam.The best regroup. University’s claimed com- students on the issues sur- motion passed in March is a accountability, ing the comings moments will be Societies and mitment to a central stu- rounding the question of step forward and some ele- and moderate and goings in the brought you in Communications Officer dent venue on the new cam- disaffiliation. While there is ments in the Union may voyeurism, Nouse YUSU office via these pages. Sam Bayley has cautiously pus, while plans for a YUSU little organised opposition push for further measures. NOUSE : THE UNIVERSITY OF YORK STUDENT NEWSPAPER 10 Comment Tuesday October 9 2007 11 Comment & Analysis Welcome to York How to accommodate the Heroes, villains, If you’re reading this, there’s a good chance that these are your first days as a : ’ and smoothies student at the University of York. First of all – welcome. You’ve probably a Watch out its the Professionals fair idea already why York is a great place to be a student (after all, you must University’s incompetence be here for a reason) and there are plenty of reasons to be pleased you’re here. But now you’ve arrived, you can mostly forget all about them: priority num- ber one is getting settled, getting involved, and becoming a member of the Freshers’ week in a Holiday Inn is a bad joke Do sharp suits and fighting talk make this year’s Union a force to reckon with? Well, maybe community. Nicky Woolf That’s where Nouse can help, and this is as good a time as any to intro- Contributing Writer duce ourselves. We are one of two newspapers published on campus, coming confidence. “Uh, I dunno, out three or four times a term, aiming to keep you informed on what’s going working in a building which has to be really. We’ve talked about Jenny O’Mahoney on around campus. We report on news directly related to York students, as adapted to meet modern requirements. I Heidi Blake it, but we can’t really think well as allowing them make their opinions heard. We also provide full cover- Contributing think they’ve found that it took rather of anything that isn’t a This is a saga about a smoothie bar. But age of University sports, and cover both student and national politics. In Writer longer than anticipated.” Editor joke. How about ‘Let’s have it is about more than just a smoothie bar. addition, our Muse supplement aims to carry the very best student writing Thanks for that, David: the freshers a good year?’” Well, yes It is about freedom. It is about justice. It on the arts, student life, and everything else under the sun. Hopefully, we’ll who thought they were moving into a please, that would be nice. has all that a good story needs. It has a keep you informed, entertained and occasionally amused over the next year. college but who are now kicking back in Any idea how you’ll go hero, of sorts. It definitely has a villain; That’s not the end of the story, though. Nouse is written and produced a Holiday Inn paid for with our tuition about it? the big corporate kind. It has theft and entirely by students, for students, and the bulk of the newspaper is produced The accommodation crisis that has faced fees will take some comfort in that par- A new academic year brings with it a The graffiti drawing of betrayal. It has sandwiches, too. by more than forty people who hold various editorial and non-editorial posi- successive years of freshers is beginning ticular comment. After the recent painful number of things. Droves of bright-faced a spurting phallus on Endangered sandwiches. tions. You can see their names at the start of the paper. As well as these, to seem like a bad joke. Last year a lack of renovation of various accommodation freshers tumble noisily around campus, Canning’s Facebook pro- Our tale begins, as all the best do, countless others submit writing, take photographs, draw artwork and help adequate kitchen facilities forced the buildings around campus, including upsetting the wildlife and vomiting into file, which she uses to with a dream. A dream about a smoothie behind the scenes to make the paper happen. If you’re interested in joining University to shell out compensation to Langwith Blocks B and C in 2006, surely the lake; sullen hosts of jaded second and organise YUSU events, bar in the head of our hero, an ambitious them, we’d like to hear from you. Come to one of our meetings, or email the poor mites who couldn’t so much as the “adaptation to modern require- third years slope sluggishly about, mut- does little more to convince Matt Burton, YUSU Services and [email protected]. boil water for a Pot Noodle, let alone ments” was nothing new for University tering darkly about the youth of today, me that this Students’ Finance officer. A dream Burton turned Nouse has something of a reputation for campaigning in print on the cook a decent meal. At least they had contractors. and newly mandated sabbatical officers Union are any more truly into a three-year profit return business issues that affect students, and certainly this is a big part of what we do. their own rooms. Amid all the excuses, what must be occupy the Student Centre, full of the professional than the last. plan, a dream that was all-but a reality. However, we also try to remain fair-minded and accurate, and we have no This time round, Langwith students remembered above all is that this most promise of their own brilliance. Nor rumours that Burton took his proposals to the political affiliation or leaning: we are the sum total of our members, and any- are living in a Holiday Inn and the block Members of YUSU start the year Fletcher-Hall vomited University authorities – our villains, in one can join and have a say in what we publish. If you decide to, we hope to that Vanbrugh students were supposed energetic, earnest and open to all com- drunkenly into Burton’s lap case you hadn’t guessed - and was told, see you around. If you don’t, enjoy the paper, and have a fantastic year. to occupy, the appropriately-named ‘This year’s Freshers ers. Sabbatical officers will gaily entreat at a recent NUS conference in no uncertain terms, to stuff it. Barron Court, is far from complete, with you to “Come and say hi when you see me (“He was the only person in Now here’s where the University some students not due to move in until won’t be deluded into in Your:Shop! Find me in Toffs and I’ll sight!” she explained). gets really villainous. Over the summer, Uncommodation Spring 2008. buy you a drink!” Sadly, the executive No doubt if we are to the announcement oozed out from the The implications of this are two- any false hopes of core of the SU rarely maintains this level take our Union at all seri- facilities management lair that there It seems a great shame that we need to use the first issue of the year to report fold. Firstly, it gives freshers the impres- of professional peachy-cleanliness ously, they must be profes- would be - guess what - a brand new that once again the University has failed to provide new freshers with the sion that the University is badly run and University competence’ beyond the first couple of weeks of term. sional about what they do. smoothie bar in the Roger Kirk centre. facilities they were promised. Last year, new students in Langwith and can’t complete projects when they are One of the main reasons sabbatical mock invitation to a gay orgy out to hun- the Academic and Welfare drop-in serv- But professionalism is more than just a The mind boggles. Is this University Goodricke arrived to find a lack of basic cooking facilities, totally unaccept- due. Or rather, they will not be deluded officers come a cropper is their inability dreds of students, many felt an impor- ice is now the nauseating “Your:Support”. euphemism for dressing up in daddy’s so lacking in ideas that it will steal them able in a University that provides only basic catering for resident students. into any false hopes of competence from recent of a long line of fiascos again to decide whether they are freewheeling, tant line had been crossed. A move to ban jeans and casual clothes. It is about serious and skilled from the Students’ Union? Of course, You might think that those responsible for the new wing of Vanbrugh college the outset. affects the cohesion of student life, as zany students or serious executives. On Against this grubby backdrop, the clothing from the office altogether met application to the task at hand. their Press department deny that they would have taken all measures possible to avoid a repeat scenario, but this Secondly, and crucially, it is an emo- Vanbrugh students are scattered hither the one hand, they are fresh out of their news that this year’s sabbatical officers resistance from Grace Fletcher-Hall, this If putting on a suit and tidying up copied the idea. But... come on. A coinci- week 47 new students have arrived in York only to be put up in a Holiday Inn tional upheaval, especially for those stu- and thither around campus. Ryan undergraduate nappies; chiefly mandat- have chosen “professionalism” as their year’s resident fly in the ointment, who the office helps with being taken serious- dence? Really? pending the completion of their residences. dents who will settle into Derwent or Bennett, Vanbrugh JCRC Chair, rightly ed to organise piss-ups and distribute buzzword should be met with happy demanded her right to dungarees and ly, then by all means, let’s. But I hope that That’s not all. Burton’s juice bar The excuse being offered is that unforseen circumstances, specifically Goodricke, only to be uprooted within asks whether the University realises the free condoms. On the other, they stress relief. Anne-Marie Canning’s newly inau- denim, on the basis that “If I don’t look this year’s team will harness their star- would have been self-contained and, so inclement weather over the summer, delayed construction. If this was the months and shoved into another new set strain these upheavals put on student the gravity of their welfare role with their gurated team are to be found, even as you like a student, students won’t want to burst of start-of-year zeal and remember the dream went, pay for itself within first instance of such a disaster (and if you doubt the appropriateness of such of circumstances with a new set of peo- organisers, who give up their own time to hands on their hearts, claim thousands of read, beavering away behind immacu- approach me.” that what we ask for when we demand three years. The University’s proposal, a loaded term, put yourself in the shoes of those unlucky Vanbrugh students ple. This is a financial issue for the help freshers feel comfortable and wel- pounds’ worth of your tuition fees in lately tidy desks in a freshly spruced Perhaps she has a point. Is true pro- their professionalism is a Students’ however, involves scaling-down the left far from campus in their first week at University) the lack of proper con- University, but a welfare issue for the stu- come. salary, and vigorously defend their right office, suited and booted for all the world fessionalism really just sartorial? Well, Union which is run by students for stu- Roger Kirk Centre’s coffee bar. No more tingency planning would be forgivable. dents affected. YUSU will attempt to pick up the to censor the student media. to see on their new 24-hour webcam. yes, according to Sam Bayley, who swears dents, and run well. We want officers custom baguettes, no more jacket pota- It is not the first instance, and as such it seems fair to conclude that the In some ways, the University is not pieces, but the compensation which will Last year, when Nouse printed The once notorious Matt Burton “All you have to do to be professional is with fire in their bellies, who turn their toes. I like those baguettes. University is perfectly content to play fast and loose with its promises to at fault. Vice-Chancellor Brian Cantor come from the University’s already bat- leaked details of a “freshers sex bingo” (Services and Finance) and Sam Bayley stick on a suit. If you dress right, people hands to the task with passion and abili- There are two issues here. First is prospective students. If the space might not be there, the places should not may be an all-powerful presence on cam- tered and careworn pocket will anger game devised by the then sabbatical (Societies and Communications) are pio- take you more seriously.” ty, and who never forget that it is our the University’s underhand, miserly con- be offered. Either ensure that adequate time is allotted for building new res- pus, but he can’t (at least as far as we students who feel that with a little more team, debate raged about how much pro- neering a strict rebranding programme, When asked what YUSU’s key money and electoral mandate which put duct. They think of nothing but the bot- idences and renovating old ones, or don’t offer shaky promises. End of story. know) control the weather at will. If care on the University’s behalf, the dam- fessionalism it is reasonable to expect and are not afraid to rap the knuckles of objective is to be this year, other than them where they are. If they could only tom line. Undoubtedly, this storm will blow over, and the students currently kip- water damage caused the building delays age to student life and University funds from Union officers. When one high spir- those who fail to adhere to it. It’s YUSU, “being professional”, Sam Bayley’s get this right, they could come to the Here’s the rub; a University cannot ping in hotel rooms won’t really lose out in any significant way. Indeed, then they could not have been anticipat- could have been minimised. ited member of last year’s team sent a but the way, not the SU, and what was answer did not inspire a great deal of office in sackcloth for all I care. be run for profit. Perhaps, with govern- they’re probably guaranteed martyr status for the rest of this year. But that ed, but the project has been put off for so ment help, it can break even; but a doesn’t excuse the University’s actions: they had better get it right next year. long anyway that this recent barrier to University’s top priorities should be edu- completion seemed to be just one in a cation and research. Profit should be well long line of problems. From Jim’ll Fix-it to Brown’s bench: but can students trust him? down the list, alongside well-kept lawns Robert Davies Nouse reported last February on and adequate parking. problems surrounding the new develop- The second issue is this University’s Nouse wishes to express its deepest sympathies to the family and friends of ment: the displacement of Vanbrugh stu- day that Gordon sends to achieve his debatable) but selectively applying it for cian: professing to be interested in public will offer them in return. Will they be monolithic incompetence. Take Robert Davies, the University of York student who tragically lost his life at dents, the absence of any new communal objective of becoming the first Union a close friend was not. service, while bending your allegiances to able to trust him to look out for their Costcutter. YUSU had drawn up propos- the end of September. The extent of the outpour of emotion and, more space, and the failure to arrange a porter Sam Thomas alumnus to make the House of There’s certainly no questioning his those of a particular party that may have interests? The jury’s out, but there is at als for a grocery and general store that importantly, the action from his peers in York and at home in Bury is a meas- with responsibility for the buildings and Commons. The boundaries of his seat hunger to win this time round, evident in concerns very far removed from those of least reason to ask would serve the campus; essentially a ure of how much he was loved by those around him. By all accounts Robert their inhabitants. In this light, the fact Comment Editor seem – at least by a quick count of great his self-produced election video on your own constituents. whether his only much larger Your:Shop. was a kind, thoughtful and genuine young man who deserved all the best life that it is still unfinished is just another big houses and shiny cars – to encompass YouTube (http://tinyurl.com/yqgzx4), None of the main polit- real interest is But the University wasn’t having could offer. He was a tribute to his family, hometown and university and we example of a monumental lack of for- York’s leafiest, Tory-est quarters. which adopts the format of an ‘80s ical parties have shown the future of any of it. It opened its own shop and paid can only hope that we have done his life some small justice in these pages. ward planning on the part of the This isn’t to say that Alexander isn’t weather forecast to portray an earnest, much interest lately in a James Alexander through the nose for a Costcutter fran- Our thoughts are with those who have lost him and we sincerely hope University. going to put up a fight. Perhaps only peo- impassioned underdog, somewhere healthy level of internal in the Labour chise – a franchise that means that that they are able to come swiftly through the agony and shock that a death Press Officer David Garner claims ple like me who have been in York far too between David Copperfield and a Bible debate, of the kind that party. Costcutter makes very little profit at all, so sudden and unexpected inevitably brings. At this time of year we think that it was “always a fairly tight Prime Minister Brown may have delight- long will remember his tenure as SU salesman. His rhetoric is of service to would allow MPs gen- and is pretty expensive for students too. especially of Robert’s younger sister, Helen Davies, who had only just begun timetable”. Well, why? Why not plan to ed the Tory front bench over the weekend President, but it demonstrated him to be residents and of fighting for their inter- uinely to fulfil their This story does not have a happy her own university career at the University of Lancaster when her brother complete the blocks with enough room by backing away from an early general a shrewd communicator and a zealous ests, but I can’t help thinking that his representative ending. The University will get their passed away. We hope that her three years at university are bright ones and for a margin of error, or in this case, election, but it seems fair to guess that politician. spiel remains just that: rhetoric. responsibilities. smoothie bar and unless we make a will not be permanently marred by this tragic start. Judging from the inspir- unexpected weather conditions? And his own party are generally less He also exhibited some unscrupu- I find Alexander interesting because When Gordon noise, we will lose our baguettes and ing behaviour of Robert's friends and colleagues to date we have little doubt besides, exactly how unexpected is a impressed by what is, even by his own lous tendencies that make me nervous he is the embryonic form of the classic Brown calls the jacket potatoes. The smoothie bar will be that any length will be gone to to offer his family any support possible in this rainy English summer? impressive standards, a tremendous about his suitability for higher public career politician, given a spit and polish next election, neither as profitable nor as good as it incomprehensibly difficult time. We recognise the thoughtful and entirely As for Langwith, A Block has been attack of cold feet. office, chiefly his willingness to use just in time for the rolling news channels. Alexander will would be if it was student-run. appropriate gesture the University has made in offering to supply a coach for in a shoddy state since long before this One Labour man will be smiling, YUSU’s clout to prevent campus newspa- As YUSU President, Alexander was sole- be asking stu- It does have a moral, though. Don’t those who wish to attend Robert’s funeral. term, and any work on the complex is though. James Alexander, the ex-YUSU pers from reporting on a violent assault ly accountable to his electorate – the stu- dents for their let the University get away with this sort There is perhaps some comfort to be derived from the knowledge that clearly overdue. This time, Garner com- heavyweight recently nominated as the committed by then Union Treasurer dents. As a Labour party candidate, this support, but it’s of thing. Rage, rage against the dying of Robert’s life seemed, from the testimony of those that knew and love him, a ments: “the progress of the work has party’s candidate for the newly-formed Ozzy Atton. The principle might have won’t be the case, and surely this is the unclear what real Hug a hoodie: one of Alexander’s promotional photos the jacket potatoes. Welcome to York, happy and a full one. Rest in peace, Robert. been complicated by the complexities of York Outer constituency, will need every been defensible (although that too is delicate tightrope act of the career politi- representation he freshers. Do you have what it takes? If you think you have the energy, We’re looking for fresh talent to creativity, enthusiasm (and sheer stamina) help write, produce and run York’s to become involved with one of the oldest newspaper. If you’re nation’s most successful student interested in: newspapers, we want to hear from you! reporting features comment sport politics film music arts design finance advertising online media photography then we want to meet you! Come along to Goodricke bar at 7.30pm and look out for a bunch of tired hacks huddled round a stack of old newspapers, or come and find us at Freshers’ Fair Saturday 13 October NOUSE :THE UNIVERSITY OF YORK STUDENT NEWSPAPER 13 Letters Tuesday October 9 2007

Nouse welcomes your letters. Please indicate if they are not intended for publication. Nicky Woolf Email [email protected] or write to: Goes way back Letters Nouse, Grimston House, Vanbrugh College Nouse, back in November 1972, was becom- ing the deadly serious paper you now know and love, but it still found space to run the Staying angry odd whimsical article. This one is a fascinating anecdote about Star Letter Dear Nouse, a member of the Nouse editorial team. It sits unassumingly on page 7, between an anti- Thanks for your continued interest in the apartheid advert, Greg Dyke’s political col- Fruit of the Loom issue. It’s a great shame umn (he talks about Peter Hitchens - then Perhaps just a little too broad for some tastes that it still remains an issue, but I am sure York student, now Daily Mail columnist and that it will be resolved much quicker if it is general ignoramus - an awful lot), a review of Dear Nouse, surely innumerable — who find Nouse given the attention it deserves (and you a Ford Cortina Estate (“suspension absolute- best digested while divesting. afford it). ly first-class”), and the headlines “Attend the I am writing to express my profound dis- It is a scandal that a Union Officer cares Vietnam demonstration, Sunday 4th” and pleasure at the recent broadsheet edition Sincerely, so little for rules or procedure, but an even “Hes Hall Occupation Ends”. of your newspaper, the increased girth of greater scandal is the continuing attitude of It shares a paper with such classified ads which prevented me from enjoying it in T. Crapper irrelevance towards ethical issues by individ- as “Wanted: a philosopher whose name ends my time-honoured manner. Goodricke College uals and groups on campus. People say they with one and a half Ns to form the third It is my pleasant and long-cherished don’t care and, more absurdly, that students member of a universal-world-wide-inter- routine to read Nouse as I attend to my can’t afford to care. Tom Moore or any other galactic triumvirate,” “WARS, Rape, Pillage, ablutions, and its handy tabloid size Union Officer has no right to assume your General Destruction to suit customer. Easy means that it is ideally suited to my needs. readership have such short attention spans terms arranged. Apply ‘Aggression The new format, however, proved far and selfish wallets as himself. UnLimited’, the One-Armed Avenger, too large and unwieldy for this purpose. Students are gifted the time and energy Vanbrugh College,” and “WINNALL WANTS For this reason, I have not so much as to be political – and those of us that do will A WOMAN – applicants should stand by the peeled it open during my toilet. I have change this world for the better. I’m not exag- phallic thing in Langwith quad between made use of your rival Vision instead; gerating. It’s that important. 1900-2300 shouting ‘I am a widgeon’.” however, I find its content salacious, and So please - stay angry and keep up the But nestled within the political dia- frankly a little too risque for enjoyment in good work! tribes, surrealist small-ads and Greg Dyke, a situation of physical vulnerability. Nouse saw fit to run a small story about its I trust you will return to a means of Ric Lander own news editor. publishing more suitable to those of us — Nouse broadsheet: not suitable for (Former Chair of People & Planet Soc) It begins “Once upon a reading at your convenience By email time, the modest and unassuming news-edi- tor of Nouse was stand- ing by the side of the Watford by-pass on the long trek back from York Corrections to Oxford. In search of a new way of doing things “T’was at that very moment,” it continues, Dear Nouse, realise that then you’re in real trouble. The Nouse would like to apologise for any “when an unfortunate new media are rising. Your Nicky Woolf percieved defamation of the Boat Club occurrence took place. A Very recently, I have come to notice that if put that in his comment piece, so it’s not in the June 20 edition. We acknowl- snapping sound rent the air I look at your newspaper, I immediately as if you are going to be surprised. But if edge the club’s many successes, but and she realised with desola- see a severe problem with the way you work: you don’t prepare for this new fact, that would like to stress that we are not tion that the elastic in her knickers had It is incredibly old fashioned. so many people are no longer willing to directly responsible for the opinions rebelled against their supportive functions. Oh no! You may cry. feel about in any medium as completely imparted to us in interviews. “A car pulls up, a hundred yards up the Not so! You may protest. But it is so. outdated as paper, then you had better road. A brief sprint to the car and the afore- Seriously, it is recently getting to the most resign yourselves to the reality; that you’re Nouse would also like to apologise for mentioned clout is conspicuously drifting unbelievable extremes. If you ever wish to screwed. an inaccuracy in the story ‘YUSU around her ankles, to the alarm of the driver, command respect nowadays, you must ac- Everone realises that the world is changing. accuse Cantor of blackmail in voting an extremely straight chemistry lecturer at knowledge several things, however sorry ‘Xtreme’ sports channels online, Youtube, row.’ We said that Rich Croker held Hatfield Polytechnic.” and reluctant you may be. First, there is webmail, Facebook, these are just the beg- one of the voting positions on the The story ends in a tone bordering on next to nothing that you can do unless you inning. There is almost no limit to what now-defunct Student Support awe. “In true Katherine Whitehorn tradition, don’t even try to be just a paper any more. treasures the future may hold, but only if Committee when in fact the two vot- your bold and courageous correspondent As any real journalist knows, way, way Heidi and the rest of your editorial team are ing positions belonged to the stepped out of the offending garment and deep down is that the future belongs to Gu- fully ready to grasp them. Academic and Welfare Officer and a removed it to her handbag.” ardian online-alikes and always will. randomly-selected JCRC Chair. Isn’t that just brilliant? One can hardly My friends, therefore I propose that you I truly hope things improve in future. imagine her present-day successor reacting turn in your gonzo coats and think about with such aplomb; fortunately for us all, his handing in your notebooks. The future is Y- Sincerely yours, pant elastic is made of stronger stuff. orker shaped - online -, and if you fail to Helen Rousburger

Get a word in Steal Communications Experience Charities Grab your pencils, it’s... edgeways with SU Officer officer Joey Ellis’ famed Get change from tenner President Sam Bayley’s “bling” “student action” in a University bar Anne-Marie Canning Fresher Bingo! Make good use of YUSU Have Welfare Officer Stay awake through condom with member of Grace Fletcher-Hall Vice-Chancellor Brian Steal a towel from B*witched fight. For your right. Cantor’s introductory the Holiday Inn TO PARTY mumble

Continental breakfast Get caught square Make a friend in Thwart drunken with Rich Croker, who is in the shins “Halifax”... wherever approaches of sweaty still here. STILL HERE. by Jo Carter’s that may be third year, possibly hockeystick diseased

Get vomited on by Recieve election Get Serviced by Welfare Officer Encounter your STYC and leaflet and sweaty Matt Burton Grace Fletcher-Hall find them sober handshake from ex-SU President James Alexander NOUSE: THE UNIVERSITY OF YORK STUDENT NEWSPAPER 14 Politics Tuesday October 9 2007 Minister for Universities talks in York John Denham is an Old Labour man with a brand new brief. Nicky Woolf finds out what he has to say

t’s almost like trying to has found difficult to strike build into the system without straining financially in the equivalent of what recent years; as the recent cuts “Iwill happen to a young to departmental budgets attest. person whose parents have both But once again, his enthusiasm been to university,” says John and earnestness are over- Denham, Labour MP for whelming. Southampton Itchen and the “A good university can be first occupant of the newly-cre- excellent at research and excel- ated post of Minister for lent at teaching as well. In fact, Innovation, Universities and that’s the York University mis- Skills, on a recent visit to the sion, as it was explained to me University. this morning. There is no need “They will tend to grow up to decide whether you’re going in an environment where the to be good at teaching or good assumption is that if you’re at research.” clever enough you will go to York’s enigmatic Vice- university. But these young peo- Chancellor, Brian Cantor, spoke ple who are saying ‘people like up here. Silent till this point, he me don’t go to university’ – must have finally felt moved to they’re part of the problem... So speak.“Let me put it stronger if you raise their aspirations.” I might,” he began, speaking Denham speaks quickly, slowly and deliberately. “We but confidently. His hand ges- believe that the best teaching is tures are clipped, but vehe- done by people who are so mently expressive. He seemed engaged in research so that they like a man in his element. are bubbling over themselves “Legislation in this area is a with the most exciting new crude and probably counter- developments. We believe that productive tool,” he says. the best research is done when This does not sound like the researchers also teach, the classic spiel from an agent it, before launching into an the right decision to take.” John Denham because it makes them continu- of a New Labour that has intro- “Introducing the variable extremely convincing defence of His enthusiasm is hard to with ex-YUSU ally re-evaluate the fundamen- duced more new crime laws fees system has brought the controversial policy. resist, and his reasoning hard to president tal things that they base their than many previous govern- about £1.3 billion into “The reality is,” he says, refute. He is very confident with research on. ments put together. In fact, “that introducing the variable facts, and wields them with James “That’s quite hard to do, despite being promoted to the British universities” fees system has brought about Blairite self assurance and Alexander, because people’s time is pressed. front bench for the first time by £1.3 billion into British univer- Brownian honesty; an endear- New Labour’s There’s a temptation to focus all Blair in 1995, he reminds me a liament in the 1992 general sities, which has put the univer- ing combination. His air, in fact, candidate for your research in one place and little of old Labour under John election, obviously having a very sity system on to a much more is modern and ministerial, but York Outer all your teaching in one place, Smith. clear vision of social equality. stable footing.” his beliefs seem to lean in the but here, at York, we believe Denham is an experienced He famously had his mem- “I think,” he continues, direction of socialism. It is obvi- strongly in bringing the two campaigner; he was a transport bership of the Southampton “that given the other choices, ous that everyone in the room is together.” John Denham seems campaigner for Friends of the University Students’ Union which were to say that fewer impressed. to be an asset to the British uni- Earth, and worked for Oxfam revoked for his support of people could go to university or I ask about the balance versity system, and we can hope and other development agen- tuition fees, but is endearingly that the quality of university between research and tuition, that even little York could bene- cies before being elected to par- coy and self-deprecating about education should decline, it was something that the University fit from his input. New study which reveals low work-loads in British universities leaves students questioning their degrees

By Albi Furlan dle of the table. going to maintain our inter- country averaging at about “there is bound to be increas- Within our university, national position,” comment- £10,000 per academic year. ing pressure on English uni- the category of subjects with ed Bekhradnia. “It raises An international stu- versities to explain how their WELCOME, FRESHERS, to the smallest workload is questions about what it dent at the University of York shorter, less intensive cours- what might well be one of the Creative Art and Design at a means to have a degree from will have to pay £9,150 per es match those elsewhere in universities with the smallest weekly 18.5 hours. Computer an English university, if a year for non-laboratory Europe.” workloads in Europe, Science is at the opposite end degree can apparently be based courses and £12,075 Universities UK, a high- according to a recently pub- of the scale, clocking in at 34 obtained with such very dif- for those which are based in er education action group, lished study. hours a week. ferent levels of effort.” laboratories. warned against using the fig- The study was conduct- However, it is thought International students Bekhrandia admits that ures from the HEPI study to ed by the Higher Education that the combination of from outside the EU often the number of hours of work make "sweeping conclu- Policy Institute (HEPI), fewer working hours and the pay three times as much as put into a degree is by no sions," claiming that this which surveyed a variety of United Kingdom’s reputa- European students, with means proportional to the could only be conterproduc- universities all over Europe. tion as being the second best international fees around the quality of the degree, but tive for education. The results show that the country in the world for average number of hours Bahram Bekhradnia, who higher education is not invested in a degree by an conducted the new study enough to lure undergradu- FORTHCOMING POLITICS EVENTS undergraduate student in ates in to the country’s uni- World Poverty Eradication Day the United Kingdom is 25.5 study, the University of York versities. Sponsored by the UN and piloted in York by Oxfam, this global event aims to raise per week, seven hours less has a workload of, on aver- Bahram Bekhradnia, awareness on the matter of world poverty. Watch out for a parade and petition signings than the continental average. age, 21.3 hours a week for head of the Institute, who on campus, with the possibility of a flash mob. Wednesday 17 October. For more infor- The Netherlands and subjects such as History and has conducted research on mation on how to participate, contact Emily Cousins: [email protected]. Germany have an average Philosophy and 23.1 hours overseas students in university workload of 30 for Social Science subjects. England, has found that hours a week, and French For the Sciences, such as almost a third do not think “Well-being of Children in the UK: How do we compare?” students work for an average Biology and Chemistry, the their degree is worth the A public lecture hosted by Professsor John Bradshaw of the Department of Social Policy 35 hours. average number of hours is money they are paying for it. and Social Work, who wrote the UN report which put children in the UK amongst the According to the same 28 a week, firmly in the mid- “I worry about how we are worst off in Europe. November 6, 6:30pm, P/L001.

NOUSE: THE UNIVERSITY OF YORK STUDENT NEWSPAPER 16 Politics Tuesday October 9 2007 Burma and the ‘new journalism’

Albi Furlan examines the rise of new, demotic media in response to the recent Burmese Saffron Revolution

or a while now, it has after an army blitz at a local have to hide. The military seemed just a matter hotel. regime, having dealt with the of time before blog- Kenji Nagai, a 50-year- more immediate threat of Fgers with camera- old Japanese photojournal- the marching monks, has phones began to report the ist, was not so lucky, and he turned its attention to those breaking news earlier and died after being shot by who might spread informa- more efficiently than the Burmese Army forces. Since tion about the way it is han- “conventional” media. then, it is estimated that dling the crisis. Unfortunately, the event it another 13 people have died After 45 years of mili- took finally to spur this shift and plenty more, many of tary rule and rebellions was the Burmese uprising. them monks, have simply quenched with blood, the Events in Burma have ‘disappeared’, a common fate worst in 1988 with an esti- rendered many new truths under military regimes. mate of over 3,000 dead, the vivid to the international Last monday, only three methods employed by the community, chief amongst days after the start of the Burmese junta to stop the which is the fact that you revolution, The Guardian uprising are no secret, but simply cannot silence the correspondent in the region this does not mean they internet community, regard- signed off as “South-east should not be heard outside less of how strong a grip a Asian correspondent”, with- the country. military regime has over the out giving the precise loca- The few reports that do information infrastructure. tion. An article on the same trickle out of Burma via con- CNN has recognised page was signed by two jour- nections to foreign servers this and launched “i-Report”, nalists in New Delhi. A through the mobile phone a service where any user can Times correspondent was networks (landlines have upload newsworthy videos writing from the Burmese also been switched off) talk they have taken with their border. of monks being stripped, camera-phone. The Times Following this forced beaten and forced to give up and The Guardian were exodus of journalists and their monkhood in public. punctual in their coverage of photographers from the The aim is clear: to shame the ‘Saffron Revolution’ two region, we have to thank the the monks and decrease the weeks ago, immediately dis- locals who have, or had, level of influence they have playing pictures of an orange access to the internet. Burma over the general population. wave of marching monks only had 31,000 internet The Times interviewed approaching a grey wall of users out of a population of some of the unlikely heroes shielded police with batons 47 million before the mili- responsible for broadcasting and flip-flops. tary junta, headed by these atrocities to the world. Yet the same articles General Than Shwe, com- They are normal men and which covered the protests pletely shut down the inter- women who talk about their reported simultaneously on net. This must have been as lives under the regime before the fact that journalists were easy as flicking a switch, as the Saffron Revolution being escorted out of the the majority of public servers began and became a red country, with up to a dozen within the country are under massacre. Now, finally, their Aung San Suu Kyi, head of the National League for Democracy in Burma, was last forced out of Burma within the iron grip of the military. daily reality can be recog- seen praying with the monks who broke through the barriers of her house arrest the first day of the rising, Now the bloggers will nised by the outside world. The Irish question: notes towards resolution

rejoice that they live here. glorified paramilitarism – themselves to soundbites By Dave Coates We can't keep raking over have been phased out, and government figures. the embers of fires that have replaced in many instances There is a nascent FOUR MONTHS AGO, the long burned out,” said by celebrations of the movement towards regard- new power-sharing execu- Paisley. This willingness to national football side’s recent ing ‘Northern Irish’ as a dis- tive at Stormont raised eye- forget the past is surprising, success. tinct identity; tolerance will brows in Northern Ireland, but the fact remains that a Within a hundred yards not truly come until the not least at the sight of hardline unionist leader is of each other on the Albert archaic ‘communities’ delin- Messrs Ian Paisley and Gerry willing to drag his followers Bridge Road, just east of the eated by ‘unionist’ and Adams sitting in the same into compromise. River Lagan, are two such ‘nationalist’ are rejected as room and expressing their Sinn Fein has gone murals, one reading “Espana relics of a past left undis- anticipation of a conference through its own remarkable 2 – Our Wee Country 3, Viva turbed. together. change of heart. Political Norn Iron”, while the other Back in May, Paisley Voters and analysts legitimacy has been celebrates 125 years of Irish said: “I have had a dream in alike were sceptical yet on embraced by the organisa- football with a life-size which children can play the ground, the mood is pos- tion after the decommission- reproduction of David together, in which people itive. Many now believe a ing of the party’s militant Healy’s historic strike can work together, and in lasting accord can exist wing, while Agriculture against England in 2005. which families can live hap- between the extreme groups, Minister Michelle Ian Paisley and Gerry Adams sit together at Stormont However encouraging pily side by side, regardless and most are delighted to see Gildernew’s handling of the hailing a new era of tolerance for Northern Ireland these developments might of their community or ethnic local government in practical Foot and Mouth crisis is be, it remains vital to keep background or their reli- control. reflective of the party’s grass- regard each other as political In Belfast, change has the short term issues and gious beliefs.” Maybe his “I want nationalists and roots development into a equals, the parties now face been more manifest. As of a challenges in focus. Peace dream will not be realised in unionists to live in Northern purely political force. the daunting task of the day- few years ago, murals across will come in a series of small, my lifetime, but I take no Ireland with fair play and no Having negotiated the to-day business of public the city – depicting sectarian barely noticeable victories, small pride in the fact that I discrimination, and to incredible leap of faith to office. slogans and often horrifically and ones that will not lend was around to see it begin. NOUSE :THE UNIVERSITY OF YORK STUDENT NEWSPAPER Sponsored by Tuesday October 9 2007 Snappy Snaps Sports 17 MatthewJeynes ‘Sport will stay at the bottom of the agenda until funds are funnelled into the project’

n my experience, when I tell expansion is bought and paid for. people that I study at York, The solution would therefore various replies are offered. seem to be to simple. We must dare I“That’s a good university, what to hope that these new facilities will grades did you need to get in inspire an influx of sport-minded there?”, people might say, or even students who, in turn, will spark a “That’s a bit posh, isn’t it?”, to revolution of sport, or even just a which I often retort “You should minor resurrection - just to get the visit Durham”. However, one reply ball rolling, if I may throw in that I have never heard, and I another pertinent cliche. doubt many others have, is: “Hey, In the meantime, the sad fact that’s a great uni for sport!” is that sport will continue to lan- Don’t get me wrong, I am not guish at the lower end of the agen- criticising anyone who plays uni- da for the University. It is probable versity sport, nor those who give up that it will fade even further until their time to organise the clubs. the Heslington East campus is There are, though, many reasons completed, as all of the University’s why someone’s first reaction on funds are funnelled towards that hearing the words University of project. York is unlikely to focus on its What hope is there, then, for sporting prowess, among which are the more sportily-inclined among the University’s lack of sporting the current generation of students? reputation; the relatively small size Well, for any true sportsman, the of the University; the distinctly lack of funds and standard of such average sports facilities, and the things as the track or sports hall seemingly low status that sport pales in comparison to the joy of holds in the collective conscious- actually playing their chosen sport. ness of York students. How, then, To get out there on the field, court, can this situation be remedied? Is boat or even pole, and do what they there any way the future can be York’s sport teams will continue to struggle competitively until university facilities are improved love to do. Yes, the University suf- made to look a little brighter for ease unless the standard of sport is University, must be music to the could even herald the coming of fers in comparison to others sport at York? raised. If I might venture a cliche, ears of those who wish to see the national teams to train at York, just through average facilities and fewer At first glance, the situation the situation is a vicious cycle. The profile of sport at York raised. Not universities such as Swansea or participants, but the future of sport looks distinctly murky. In this one shining ray of hope, the wel- only will the plans double the num- Loughborough. at York will continue to shine writer’s humble opinion, the stan- come beacon in the fading gloom, ber of students, greatly increasing Admittedly, many people brightly as long as its students con- dard of sport at university level will comes in the form of the the pool of talent for the sports would like to see the current facili- tinue to play with passion and not be raised until the rampant Heslington East expansion. The clubs to pick from, they will also ties upgraded and refurbished, and enjoyment. What happens then, or apathy of the students is changed. plans, which have been widely include the construction of state- it will be interesting to see what what happens after Hes East, is up Yet this indifference is not likely to questioned by many at the of-the-art sporting facilities. This will happen to these once the to the money men. AUTUMN TERM SPORT CALENDAR Badminton: Friday week 1 17/10 Hull 1sts a Men’s 1sts (BUSA 2B): Tennis: Trials: Women Sunday week 1 24/10 Teesside 1sts h 17/10 Huddersfield 1sts a Trials: Both Sunday week 1 Men’s 1sts (BUSA 2B): 31/10 Newcastle 3rds h 24/10 Bradford 1sts h Men Tuesday week 2 Men’s 1sts (BUSA 2B): 17/10 Northumbria a 31/10 Newcastle 1sts a Women Thursday week 2 17/10 Sunderland 1sts h 24/10 Leeds Trinity 1sts h Lacrosse: 07/11 Leeds 2nds h Men’s 1sts (BUSA 2B): 24/10 Teesside 1sts a 31/10 Bradford 1sts a Trials: 14/11 St John 1sts a 24/10 Leeds Met 2nds a 31/10 Durham 1sts h 07/11 Leeds 2nds a Women Wednesday week 1 Women’s 1sts (BUSA 2B): 31/10 Leeds 2nds h Women’s 1sts (BUSA 2B): 14/11 Durham 2nds h Women’s 1sts (BUSA 2A): 24/10 Teesside 1sts a 07/11 Hull 1sts a 24/10 Bradford 1sts h Women’s 1sts (BUSA 3B): 17/10 Sheffield H 1sts a 31/10 Teesside 2nds h Women’s 1sts (BUSA 2B): 31/10 Teesside 1sts a 17/10 Durham 1sts a 24/10 Northumbria h 07/11 St John 1sts h 17/10 Newcastle 2nds h 07/11 Sunderland 1sts h 24/10 Sheffield H 2nds h 31/10 Manchester Met a 24/10 Leeds 2nds a 31/10 Leeds Met 2nds h Squash: Basketball: Netball: Trials: Volleyball: Men’s 1sts (BUSA 2B): Golf: Trials: Sunday week 1 Trials: 17/10 Sheffield 1sts a Mixed (BUSA 2B): Both Sunday week 1 Men’s 1sts (BUSA 2B): All Monday week 1 24/10 Hull 1sts h 24/10 Leeds Trinity 1sts h Monday week 2 17/10 Leeds 2nds h Adv Thursday week 1 31/10 Bradford 1sts a 31/10 Leeds Met 2nds h Women’s 1sts (BUSA 4B): 24/10 Leeds Met 2nds a Men’s 1sts (BUSA 1A): 07/11 Hull a Women’s 1sts (BUSA 3B): 17/10 St John 2nds h 31/10 Newcastle 1sts h 17/10 Sheffield H 1sts a 24/10 Leeds Trinity 1sts a 24/10 York 2nds a Women’s 1sts (BUSA 1A): 24/10 Manchester 1sts h 07/11 Sheffield H 2nds h Hockey: 31/10 Newcastle 3rds h 17/10 Liverpool 1sts h 31/10 MMU Cheshire h 14/11 Hull 1sts a Trials: Women’s 2nds (BUSA 4B): 24/10 Newcastle 1sts a Women’s 1sts (BUSA 2B): Both Tuesday week 1 17/10 Newcastle 3rds a 31/10 Sheffield 1sts a 17/10 Leeds 1sts h Football: Men’s 1sts (BUSA 2B): 24/10 York 1sts h 24/10 Leeds Trinity 1sts a 31/10 Huddersfield 1sts a Trials: 24/10 Leeds 2nds h Table Tennis: 31/10 St John 1sts h 31/10 Northumbria a Men’s 1sts (BUSA 1A): Men Monday week 1 Rugby Union: Tuesday week 1 07/11 Durham 2nds h 24/10 Teesside 1sts a For more information on this Women’s 1sts (BUSA 3B): Trials: 31/10 Northumbria 2 h year’s sporting events, go to Wednesday week 1 Women Sunday week 1 07/10 Northumbria 1 a www.yusu.org/au Sponsored by NOUSE :THE UNIVERSITY OF YORK STUDENT NEWSPAPER 18 Sports Snappy Snaps Tuesday October 09 2007 Your guide to sport at Which club is which? Thinking of joining a sports club at the AU Mart this year? Why university not try a spot of hacking, or perhaps some engine blueprinting? By Criss Noice DEPUTY SPORTS EDITOR RIDING SWIMMING & WATER POLO NETBALL FOR SOME of you, the idea of adding Mixed:Yes Mixed:Yes Mixed: No sporting activity to the workload of your Cost: £20 Cost: £12 Cost: £20 course, as well as the plentiful student Email: [email protected] Email: [email protected] Email: [email protected] social activities open to you, will seem a The Riding Club runs every week and The Swimming and Water Polo is a large The Netball Club share fitness, friend- little too much. operates from beginner to advanced and friendly club, offering opportunities ship and a love of netball. Teams enter However, there are a range of sports level. Training is held at the Yorkshire for all abilities to join. Sessions are divid- both on and off campus that are readily into both the BUSA and NUNL, playing available to first-year students, whether Riding Centre and regular hacks are also ed between the two sports. across the North of England. Players of you are a university-level player or just a organised on the Yorkshire Moors. Last year: During a hectic year, achieve- all abilities are welcomed to the casual college member. Last year: Highlights of the 2006/07 ments included a BUSA league win for Thursday training sessions. The range of university teams at year included qualification to the the Women’s Water Polo team. Other Last year: Last year's highlights included York is highly diverse. There are tradi- Nationals of the BUSA competition, a success in competition included the a 3-0 white-wash of York St John at tional teams such as the rugby, football, place in the international tournament for expected Roses victory over Lancaster Varsity, with exceptional performances , hockey and netball teams, and there are one rider, and victory in the Roses. for all the swimming and polo teams. and Damfest ‘07, the tour to Amsterdam. some that people may not have tried Why Join? A variety of activities are Why Join? “We are a fun and relaxed Why Join? “The loss of 15 squad mem- before like lacrosse, ultimate frisbee and available for people interested in horses group, and try to keep everything as bers at the end of last year makes this fencing. at any level of ability. Socials include enjoyable as possible. Places have Whichever you prefer, you will be year’s trials an exciting time. Freshers are more than welcome to attend practice for trips into York and to other cities for opened up in the competitive teams and ecouraged to join us as we hit Ziggy’s in your sport of choice and especially wel- nights out and quiet meals/cinema trips. we are looking for people to fill them.” true Netball club fashion.” come on the socials, which generally occur on a Wednesday night at Ziggy’s. Those who do make it into one of the Roses teams will get to compete in the two main inter-university events in the York calen- Roses is the high- dar. First is Varsity, which pits York’s light of the York sports teams against those of York St sporting calendar as John. the largest inter- uni- The main event, though, is later on versity compeition in in the year, when the University is taken Europe. over by the Roses competition. This is The three-day when York and Lancaster battle it out in event, which has a plethora of sports, each being awarded a points score. At the end, the points are been running since totalled and a winner is announced. Last 1964, sees York face year, York emerged victorious – so hopes Lancaster University are high for the coming year’s competi- across 45 different tion. sports and involves a Aside from the university clubs, total of over 3000 there are also college teams, which are for competitors. people who enjoy sport but may not have Last year York the time to commit to a full university lifted the Carter- team schedule. There are usually one or James trophy for the two training sessions a week, as well as college sport matches on Sunday morn- 21st time, levelling ings. At the end of the year, there is also a the score at 21-21. College Sports Day, when a mixture of In 2008 York will athletics, volleyball and a tug of war go travel to Lancaster some way to deciding the overall winners MABEE GEORGI and attempt to win of the year – Goodricke being the current away from home for champions. the first time in five For the more daring of you, some of years. the extreme sports might be appropriate. Some examples of these are parachuting, potholing, karting, and mixed martial York’s First XI football team compete during Roses 2007. Visit www.nouse.co.uk/sport for a comprehensive guide to York sport arts. There is also pole exercise and capoeira available for any ladies or gen- KARTING POLO WOMEN’S FOOTBALL tlemen wanting to brush up on their Mixed:Yes Mixed:Yes Mixed: No dancing skills. These clubs do not neces- sarily have team events or competitions, Cost: £60 Cost: £30 per lesson Cost: £15 but are useful for those who want to learn Email: [email protected] Email: [email protected] Email: [email protected] a new skill. The Karting Club offers people of all York University Polo Club is open to any- The Women’s Football Club has grown in Aside from the activity on campus, standards the chance to experience the one interested in playing, regardless of both size and prominence since its hum- there are a variety of sports and activities any previous experience. Training and in the centre of York which students thrill of Karting. During term time there ble beginnings 11 years ago. Our first receive discounts for. The Next is one event per week, held at various matches are held at the White Rose Polo team currently lead in both the BUSA Generation sports centre offers monthly karting tracks throughout the North of Club, a small, very friendly club about and NUL leagues. membership and contains a swimming England. half an hour away from campus. Last year: One of the highlights of an pool, sauna and luxury gym facilities. Last year: A series of impressive victories Last year: The club reached unprece- exciting year was a tour to Slovenia. On a Saturday afternoon, York City for York against Hull and Durham were dented heights as three teams qualified However, problems arose when their FC play their matches at the Kit-Kat the hightlights of 2007. This summer to compete in the BUSA Nationals, and Department of Culture, Media and Sport Stadium just outside the city centre. The also saw the YUKC return to Europe for managed to hold their own against many didn’t realise we were a women’s team die hard fans are always looking for more a nine day tour in five seperate countries. of the more established universities. (women's football is not the done thing people to attend the games and cheer on Why Join? Experience acceleration to Why Join? Polo is the ultimate sport, in Eastern Europe). the Minstermen. For more information combining skill, speed and buckets of on the full range of activities and sports 60mph in 4.5 seconds, just two inches Why Join? Women's football allows available, be sure to visit the YUSU Fair off the tarmac. And have the chance to adrenaline. Imagine stunning girls and women to play at university level even if on Saturday. compete in the BUCK championship. rippling torsos. they have never kicked a ball before. NOUSE :THE UNIVERSITY OF YORK STUDENT NEWSPAPER Sponsored by Tueaday October 09 2007 Snappy Snaps Sports 19 York City defence capitulates as Jo Robinson hands Histon victory Carter AU President By Criss Noice DEPUTY SPORTS EDITOR FOR SO MANY people, three years at York is taken over by York City 1 sport, and their degree Histon 4 becomes their part-time hobby. With 54 active sports YORK CITY were beaten clubs, you will never have a convincingly by high-flying better opportunity to try out a Histon in the Blue Square new sport (or several!). Make Premier League on sure you head down to the Saturday afternoon. Sports Centre on Saturday The home team squan- Week 1; the best chance to dered a host of chances in work out how you are going to the first half before taking avoid spending too much time an early lead, but displayed in the library over the next a naivety at the back, and three years. conceded two goals late into I’ve spent the summer in the second-half. York with no-one to keep me City dominated the company, but more important- early exchanges, and saw a ly, no-one to play any sport string of good opportunities with. There are only so many missed as Histon struggled times you can pretend that to cope with the fluid count- you’re racing against the guy er-attacks. York winger on the next treadmill, or the Martyn Woolford was caus- woman in the next swimming ing a host of problems down lane. Competitive? Who, me? the left and was heavily ADAM SLOAN I was recently introduced involved when the deadlock The York City defence struggled in the second-half to cope with the physical nature of the Histon attack to the President of the was broken in the 29th Students’ Union at Lancaster minute as Nicky Wroe more energised side. Their for the home side made an BLUE SQUARE PREMIER: tion zone, and Histon well- University. We were having an opened the scoring with a determination and physi- immediate impact, giving pld pts poised for a promotion bat- amiable enough conversation mid-range shot that soared cality in the tackle was York improved structure. tle. until he made the mistake of past Mark Osborn, the rewarded after just nine York started to find holes in Woking 14 18 bringing up the subject of Histon goalkeeper. minutes of the second half the Histon defence and Grays Ath 14 16 Team Line-ups: Roses. I think it would be an However, the away when the City defence once once again spurned a num- Waymouth 14 16 York: Evans, Purkiss, McGurk, understatement to say I scared team brought the game again failed to clear a cross, ber of excellent chances. Kelly, Robinson, Meechan him with my sudden transfor- level against the run of play leaving Nathaniel Knight- Any hope of a late York York City 13 12 (Sodje 57), Wroe (Panther 57), mation into a competitive after the City defence were Percival to head Histon in revival ended in the 86th Farsley Celtic 13 12 Elliott, Woolford, McBreen monster. If you get involved in caught unaware. Histon front. minute though, as the dis- Altrincham 14 9 (Fry 76), Brayson. sport at here at York, you’ll striker Antonio Murray left The second goal appointing Mark Robinson Histon: Naisbitt, Pope, soon find out what Roses is Stafford 14 6 his marker standing to score seemed to deflate a City at left-back handed Histon Mitchell-King (Langston 78), about. It’s big. We take on a spectacular volley from a team who have won only a 3–1 lead. Robinson Droylsden 14 5 Ada, Gwillim, Okay, Lancaster University over devilish cross in the 39th two home games all season. appealed for an offside deci- Northwich 14 2 Cambridge, John Kennedy, three days in just about every minute. Histon dominated posses- sion as Adrian Cambridge Knight-Percival (Barker 70), sport you can imagine, in the What looked to be sion and were creating the ran past him; letting the Histon’s Cliff Akurang Murray (Wright 68), Akurang. biggest sporting event of its shaping up to be a tight better chances, as the York midfielder go unchallenged tapped-in to make it 4-1 kind in Europe. 45 sports, over game was taken by the backline looked increasing- and cross into the box for deep into injury time to Man of the Match: a hundred events and some- scruff of the neck by the vis- ly shaky. However, the Wright to fire a point-blank complete York’s embarrass- Knight-Percival - The Histon where around a thousand com- itors, who came out after introduction of Emmanuel header past Tom Evans in ment and leave them per- midfielder dominated the petitors. This year we’ll be half time looking much the Panther and Onome Sodje goal. ilously close to the relega- centre of the pitch. travelling to the other side of the Pennines to make sure we defend the Carter-James tro- phy and take the score to 22-21 to York. Modern Pentathlon society New charity for AU And, of course, sport at York isn’t all about the blood, to be introduced at AU fair By Daniel Whitehead NSPCC and Sport Relief. sweat and tears, and most SPORTS EDITOR The Squash club alone made clubs will remind you that the over £1000 through their social side is an equally impor- By Matthew Jeynes Smith admits that it NEW AU President Jo highly successful 24-hour tant aspect. Campus SPORTS CORRESPONDENT will be difficult to get those Carter has announced that squash marathon and Wednesdays aims to encourage who are already in a club to the Athletic Union’s Charity quadracket tournament. clubs, societies and friends to THIS YEAR’S YUSU Fair start the Modern of the Year 2007/08 will be In an attempt to raise socialise on campus in the will see the introduction of Pentathlon, but says that the Yorkshire Air Ambulance funds for their new charity, evening, either as an alterna- a Modern Pentathlon club. her aim is “to try to encour- Service. the AU, in conjunction with tive to heading into town, or as Founded by student age those who already par- The charity, which charityadventure.org.uk, is an ideal meeting place prior to Katie Smith, the club will ticipate in one, or even launched in October 2000, organising a sponsored bike going out. It’s a fantastic be the first multi-disci- more, of the sports to specialise in providing a ride from York to Lancaster opportunity to sample the plined sport to be intro- branch out and attempt the rapid response service for in March. diverse atmospheres in duced at the University. LANG ERIK others”. While she admits medical emergencies in the Commenting on the Derwent, Langwith, Smith is convinced that that the club is unlikely to Yorkshire region, and is announcement, Carter said: Vanbrugh, Goodricke and there is therefore a niche in be competitive for some responsible for carrying out “I’m delighted with the deci- Wentworth college bars. the market that needed to time, Smith hopes that in excess of 6,000 missions sion. In previous years, the Collect a Campus Wednesdays be filled: “The Yorkshire Swimming freestyle York will eventually be able since its inception. AU has chosen large nation- Passport in the first bar you branch of the UK Modern tacted each of the clubs for to compete in Modern In order to continue al, or even international, visit, and receive a stamp in Pentathlon is all based the Pentathlon’s diverse Pentathlon competitions. running, the charity requires charities. I was really keen to each bar that you buy a drink, around York, so I felt it was disciplines, which are Despite these problems, £2.5 million a year to meet choose a local charity, where and in the fifth bar you will a great opportunity to Fencing, Shooting, the Modern Pentathlon is its operational costs, which is we could get more involved receive a free drink. And if you introduce something com- Swimming, Riding and an interesting inclusion in a massive £6,900 per day. with the work that they do want to know any more about pletely new to the sporting Running, to try to co-ordi- York’s sporting repertoire Last year, the AU con- and see the effects.” sport at York, just pop into the options at York”. nate training schedules, and should prove to be a tributed £4,500 to their office, email [email protected], or As well as these UK although York does not must-visit stall at the Charity of the Year, which See www.yorkshireairambu- see me in the one of the bars on facilities, Smith has con- have a shooting club. YUSU fair. was split between the lance.org.uk for more info. a Wednesday evening. 20

AU GUIDE: Your complete guide to the AU Mart and all York’s best sports SPORT clubs >> P18 Talented York run out of stamina in late Sheffield surge

By Albi Furlan numbers for Sam Taylor, at attacking line-outs. SPORTS CORRESPONDENT 15, to gather the delayed pass The scrum finally start- and break the gain line ed to hold up and give between them. scrum-half Sam Dudley a Sheffield Men 34 Tackled inches short, decent base to work from. York Men 12 Taylor stretched to score the Support by the pack was first try of the season for omnipresent, ultimately YORK RUGBY UNION York with Benbow adding rewarding hooker Mike team suffered an unfortu- the extra two points. Hornby with a try after nate 34-12 defeat to The rest of the first half some good offloading in a Sheffield University after a saw an interesting battle move that saw most of the dogged display in their first between the forwards, with team involved and ended match of the new season. the Sheffield eight dominat- with the number two spin- The team, captained ing the scrums and mauls ning past a defender and this year by Paul Goodall, and stealing numerous line- diving for the try. showed much promise outs. The Sheffield maul, pre- throughout the game, However, the York pack viously the most dangerous despite only two weeks of defended the ball feverishly weapon in their arsenal, was prior training, and many at the breakdown, where the dulled by excellent defence playing their first game of experience of flankers on the fringes. Taylor was contact rugby since the close Goodall and Chris always on hand all over the and bitter defeat against Carrington, now Club park to carry the ball a few Lancaster at Roses. President, supplied various extra yards or make a dart- With many of the sec- turnover balls. ing break. ond and third years still at However, despite hav- Ultimately, however, fit- home, and the academic ing the better of possession ness let York down, with year yet to start, the fact that and territory, discipline tackles and hands becoming the team showed up with a sometimes let the White sloppy towards the end. This solid pack and a handy back- Rose down, who conceded allowed the first-year line is testament to the easy penalties for holding on Sheffield subs to race in for determination and depth or offside under intense another three tries amidst an this club has. pressure from the high- overall decrease in commu- Experienced fly-half paced rush defence of the nication between the York Thomas Benbow kicked off Sheffield backs. players. UYRUFC’s season, and the One of these penalties However, as team capt- Sheffield side were quick to resulted in a sweeping move ian Goodall said after the put the pressure on the by Sheffield, ending in a deft final whistle, the signs are White Rose, booting the ball chip to the right corner. The there that the style of attack- back after a few phases of bounce betrayed the oncom- ing rugby and the defence play only to receive it again ing winger Kevin Fogarty system that York want to on their halfway line. The and Sheffield were in for play are coming together, forwards split the York their third try, which their and that if the team gel and defence, leaving their out- kicker failed to convert. keep improving as they have side centre gliding through a The rest of the half saw done, this looks to be a good hole to score a try under- clever kicking by the York fly season for UYRUFC. neath the posts. half to pin Sheffield in their The same move was own 22. YORK TEAM LINE-UP repeated several minutes The second half of the 1. Stone, 2. Hornby, 3. later. A turnover in midfield match brought with it a Brazier, 4. Carr, 5. saw the ball being spread left series of developments, with Smallwood, 6. Carrington, 7. by the imposing Sheffield winger Mike Callis moving Goodall, 8. Barnett, 9. backs to their centre, who into his favoured position of Dudley, 10. Benbow. 11. drew the defence before lock and Jon Kume-Davy Callis, 12. Neoh, 13. switching to his left-winger adding more driving power Wakeling, 14. Fogarty, 15. for another try. This time the to the pack, which had been Taylor Subs: Harrington, Sheffield kicker failed to on the back foot during set Cume-Davy, Furlan convert. pieces. However, this second The changes brought MAN OF THE MATCH try awoke the York team, their rewards, with York yet who increased the pressure again having the majority of Sam Taylor on their hosts after the sec- possession and territory Good in defence, despite ond restart. A beautifully throughout the half. The an early mistake under a executed move on the White Rose’s kicking game high ball, the fullback’s York City beaten comfortably by Sheffield 22 saw centres Alex kept the opposing side tireless running often Neoh and Jack Wakeling, pinned in their half, exploit- brought the ball forward a who normally operates as a ing the inexperience of the few extra yards for York. Histon in Blue Square League >> P19 flanker, fix their opposing Sheffield winger to yield two

Nouse is printed by Newspapers Quest (York Ltd) - a Gannet Company, PO Box 29, 76-86 Walmgate, York, 09.10.07 YO10 9YN. For back copies, contact the JB Morrell Library, University of York, Heslington, York, YO10 5DD. >> ROSS NOBLE M4-5 >> TRAVEL M11 AUTUMN WEEK ONE We chat to everyone’s favourite Geordie Taking on the Trans-Siberian Express Tuesday October 10 2007 MUSE The

word Fresher special: what, where and how to do Freshers’ Week M12-15 M2 Columns 09/10/07 Muse 09.10.07 SaraSayeed Ross Noble Jo Shelley chats to the comedian about motorbikes and eskimos >> M4 Do as mummy says Is there anything out there? - not as she does The man who may know - but won’t reveal - the answer we all want >> M6 here are some new kids ent that occasionally it happens ful facility that allows it to fre- on the block – and as almost unconsciously. Pithy quently pun without any intent Second Life neighbourhood protocol insults launched unawares – required whatsoever. The titles Ever wanted a second chance at life? The internet Tdemands, new arrivals wondrous things, some might ascribed to Fresher ‘handlers’, are welcomed with food; a fluffy say. However, after mooching for example. At Oxbridge they’re phenomenum that provides just that >> M8 bunt cake, if you’re gastronomi- around the Nouse offices for far ‘Mums and Dads’; here we call cally talented, or M&S mini- too much time whilst various them ‘STYCs’. As we assume Malawi’s flapjacks if kitchens dissolve Macs undergo yet another coro- these caretaker roles, we some- into flames the minute you enter nary, you start to notice things. how also adopt the characteris- ‘Madonna them. And so, for the first week Here at Nouse, we still lovingly tics of their unfortunate titles. of term the veterans of Ye Olde refer to last year’s new additions We become the grumbling issue’ York scurry around like harried as ‘The Freshers’ or in more ten- Mums and Dads who inevitably Madonna’s newly- mother hens to cook up the per- der moments, ‘The Nouselets’. become so irate with their fect little nuggets of bunt Surely we will relinquish these charges they consider beating adopted son’s cake/flapjack equivalent with brands come October 8, when them with sticks. orphanage’s reaction which to ease the Freshers into they are officially all growed-up The stereotype that we all to the celebrity adop- the trials (sorry, joys) of univer- and living in damp infested stu- inevitably morph into our par- sity life. And as they pass, wide- dent accommodation of their ents is curiously strengthened by tion >> M9 eyed and blinking, into the very own? Sorry kids, not a Fresher's week. Like parents murky concrete-refracted light chance in hell. whose children, if anything, are Trans-siberian of campus, they face us with With essays to scrawl, painful reminders of their inquisitive expressions: what do phone lines to set-up and TV bygone days, for us, Freshers are Venetia Rainey takes we need to brave this ordeal? licenses to pay, it’s undoubtedly walking, slurring memories of the world’s greatest How shall we go forth? Instruct the perfect time to while away when we could while away us o wise ones. Or at least, that’s the hours with some unhealthy weeks in a sozzled haze without train journey >> M11 how we would prefer to imagine introspection. So, do we merci- having to know the location of the Fresher mindset. lessly indulge ourselves simply the library. So naturally, we're a Freshers About this time last year, I because they’re younger, vulner- smidgen resentful. became conscious of a certain able to attack and a year shy of To temper the frustration, Nouse guides you through the social and emotional 'Fresher Patronisation our bitterly sardonic wit? In we enact the same, bizarre, minefield of Freshers’ week >>M12 Syndrome' pandemic that tends part, or so we’d like to think. But "doing it for the kids” antics of to sweep second and third years since Freud never rested on his our parents. Weeks of vein pop- Arts: Our introduction to Film: The minefield of the instant they chance their laurels and burrowed away until ping stress are dispensed of in a first whiffs of fresh meat. A med- he arrived at those mother frenzied over-compensation York’s theatrical world, and adaptation >> M22 ical student could possibly con- issues, so will I. Odd, is it not, orgy, to create the perfect what’s on this term >> M18 B&R: Your freshers’ guide coct a more apt term, but how we refer to Freshers like Freshers week, sorry fortnight, English degrees bring with them inconvenient offspring? “Ah for our little-ones. Why? Music: We chat to Simian to York’s bars >> M23 a tendency towards poncey ver- bless, they’re so dippy, but you Because ultimately, Fresher’s Mobile Disco and reveal the Listings: The biggest week biage so it’s the best phrase I can can’t blame the young, especial- week is a cushy bubble for all offer for the continuous belit- ly when whatever brain forma- university students: it allows best of Bestival >> M20 in the uni calendar >> M24 tling and general mocking we tion they had achieved is proba- Freshers to forget why they revel in. Patronising Freshers is bly now impeded with vodka”. fetched up to university in the an ingrained tendency, so inher- Language has this wonder- first place and aids our smug

would consider it important to ‘supervise’ plumes of smoke escaping from the AmyScott their toaster? Well me, for one, having kitchen. Add to that the fact that it just lived through the Langwith A Block fire of seems so unlikely that anything genuinely When toasters go bad 2006, caused by our combustible toaster. dangerous will happen in such a laid back A year on I like to think of the time I saved environment, which I presume led to my hen you consider the worst things the lives of my five housemates by consci- former housemate’s explanation of leaving that can happen when living in entiously supervising the toasting of my me asleep upstairs as our carbon monox- Wstudent accommodation, top of ciabatta, and being thus poised to put the ide detector went into overdrive; ‘I didn’t the list would have to be the life threaten- flaming piece of electrical equipment in want to panic’. Or his hapless friend’s insis- ing. What surprised me the most, when I the garden when the time was ripe. That’s tence on googling the symptoms of carbon first moved into halls at York, was just how one lesson learnt, although the one about monoxide poisoning before he agreed to likely it is for students to find themselves buying toasters worth more than £3 hasn’t evacuate. in near death situations on a weekly basis. quite sunk in yet. There’s nothing like a bit of danger Now that you’ve moved away from the The most dangerous aspect of such and excitement to bond people. Fire safety and comfort of home, chances are incidents, and peculiarly therefore the alarms unite freshers with people they you will witness at least one fire, at least funniest, is the steadfast refusal of those never knew existed, let alone lived in the one gas scare (of the carbon monoxide or involved to believe themselves to be in any corridor above them, and sometimes call- just plain old ‘left the cooker on’ variety) kind of danger. Laziness prevails after the ing out the fireman is the only chance we and a dozen or so injuries to property or number of fire drills we’ve been put get to interact with the non-student com- person. through over the years, so it’s hard to munity. Just don’t admit to them you knew There is a multitude of advice avail- spring into action when the alarms go off the toaster was faulty, and you should all able that seems pretty over the top; who at 7.30am. Hard, that is, until you see the be fine. 09/10/07 Columns M3

Time at which bar?

By Jenny O’Mahony ALCUIN: Posh college, posh bar. B Henrys, Alcuin’s very own drinking establishment, was relaunched last year and now serves cocktails as well as the usual student staple of cheap cider, and is considered to be at the top end of the campus hier- archy, though the bar is all too often deserted. They also run excellent events sponsored by societies such as LoveSoc.

DERWENT: Their bar doubles as a canteen during the day, and unfortunately it shows. However, Derwent does have pool tables, a dart board, and lots of space, so events there (all under the moniker Club D) are generally a big success. Expect drunk- en public schoolboys in various states of undress, and themed parties, such as Toga and superheroes.

GOODRICKE: McQ’s, Goodricke’s pub, is generally considered to be the cosiest and best-loved bar on campus. Nearly always rammed with people, McQ’s has an atmosphere that other bars just can’t match. Certain societies are very attached to McQ’s, and the Lunatic Fringe, the Goth/Punk collective, are often to be seen lurking in a corner discussing each other’s piercings. It is a little-known fact that McQ’s doubles up as a study room during the day, and Sunday is quiz night.

HALIFAX: The denizens of Halifax seem to be the only ones who have ever been to JJ’s, a cocktail bar set in the heart of the notoriously incestuous community across the road. I am told by reliable sources that JJ’s is a lovely place, but then I am told the same about Halifax. Those who are still able to walk after Freshers’ week will presumably find it charming, and JJ’s hosts belief that we actually have occasional live events for something a bit different. “more important things to be Sshh now. Here, suck on this getting on with, quite frankly". LANGWITH: Langwith is due to undergo refurbishment, and I It re-imbues us fossils with a With internet a distant fantasy for the on. Apparently SSHH is a campaign won’t pain you with the details of what it was like last year. sense of haughty purpose, so we next month, I’ve had to find new ways that facilitates a “good living environ- Suffice to say it was open two days a week and the barman took can blithely play the vexed to wake up over my morning coffee. In ment” between York’s indigenous and his iPod along to work. Hopes are high for the new Langwith, intellectuals to their degenerate the good old days of summer, when students. How do they achieve such which has been described as an ‘artistic space’, but will the few hooligans. that thing ‘modern technology’ existed sweet harmony, you may ask? “The societies to haunt the place (Gilbert & Sullivan and FragSoc) Fresher-Patronisation is for me, I pacified my pre-caffeine sav- campaign achieves this in a number of like it as much once the ‘70s B&B decor and smashed up sofas the necessary coping mecha- agery by perusing the internet; noth- ways. For example, lollies are pur- are gone? nism that re-establishes our ing like some black coffee and mind- chased and given out at the end of degrees as meaningful and not less Facebooking to ease you into the events, as a novel way of ensuring stu- VANBRUGH: V Bar is where all the artistic types hang out, just the fetters reining us in day. These days, I’ve been lowering dents are quiet and return home including IndieSoc, DramaSoc and all the Music students, so from having fun - like, I don’t myself to the tiresome task of ‘reading’. responsibly”. The reaction to such tac- expect to see campus luvvies, people propping themselves up know, Freshers for example. If I don’t ‘do’ books or real sentences tics is tricky. Either, we profess out- on double-bass cases and some very trendy haircuts. It’s the we trample some egos or hurt before my standard three cups, so I’ve rage at being reduced to the lolly- place to hit after seeing a play at the Drama Barn or for pre- some “feelings” along the way – taken to scanning whatever comes jammed-in-the-mouth procedure drinking every night of the week. Vanbrugh is where plays get so be it. And for all the Freshers through the mail box. And what jewels usually reserved for deranged tod- written, Mp3s swapped, and girls and boys fall for each other out there poring over this while of crap they are. My current favourite, dlers. Or we could be thankful that it’s at the Open-Mic night. muttering 'repugnant', consider ‘Hull Road: Your Ward’ actually made not a dalek this time. Lollies are com- your reaction in a few weeks to me crack a smile – a feat indeed when paratively pleasant. Don’t fret if this is WENTWORTH: Quite sophisticated, and less likely than the siblings who phone you up with facial twitches aren’t usually an option all a bit baffling because “this year, others to have people rolling around on the floor and yelling at GCSE woes. GCSEs you say? until Cup Two. The headline proudly SSHH plan to invest in some good strangers at the end of the night. Host of comedy and live Heaven above and all its cheru- declared: “SSHH! Silent Students, quality banners, t-shirts and window events, Wentworth just isn’t the place to get smashed, unless bim - if only we could go back Happy Homes”. After I got over the stickers” as well. Ah, isn’t it lovely to be you want to be frowned at. Wentworth is a cut above the rest, to those sweet, inconsequential linguistic dexterity of ‘SSHH!’, I read back? as the University considers post-grads to need better food and days… services, but it can be a bit quiet at times.

Facebook (a goal you should keep in mind) are those who are either com- the collar creates an instant aura of hard to find, especially if you’re a heavy Silly sunglasses pletely plastered or have a fantastic pimp-ocity, and for anyone else, try alcohol user. I suggest liaising with costume. For the sake of your writing an amusing message on your more introverted neighbours to raid and slutty shoes new-found corridor friends, go chest to show that you’re a bit of a their closet of ideas, or Google Images for the latter, no one likes a joker. If that fails just copy the girls; a and wikihow.com always provide some ressing up is not a pastime; it is puker. bit of cross-dressing always goes down sort of inspiration. Bin liners, card- a way of life. Freshers, you ‘But how, how, o wise sec- well here. board boxes, tin foil and body paint Dshould probably read this ond year?’ I hear you cry. Never 2. Ridiculous accessories. We’re will go a lot further than you would statement one more time. Learn it fear, I have compiled a list of talking hats (as many as you can man- ever have guessed. The best costume I off by heart. Hell, tattoo it on the things you simply must get age: fireman, policeman, builder, ever saw was a guy wearing a card- inside of your elbow for all I care, your grubby little mitts on. priest), sunglasses (large heart-shaped board house the size of his body. He but never, ever, forget it. Whether by legal transaction pairs with pink rims and blue lenses, so couldn’t move, dance or drink, but You could be forgiven for or intoxicated pilfering: get it, big they act as wing mirrors. You’ll damn he looked cool, and that, boys arriving at university armed fresher. know when you see them.), ties, feather and girls, is the point. with just a tie, vivacity of spirit 1. Red lipstick. This is for boas, handcuffs, cigarette holders, So good luck, dear newbies. Go and enthusiasm. It’s about both boys and girls. For masks (much fun to be had, especially forth and dress up, down and sideways meeting people and having females I would suggest liberal as no-one really knows who you are to your heart’s content. Heed my fun, right? Wrong. Whilst you application to the lips in order anyway…), etc. One warning: if you nuggety nuggets of counsel, and if may well be forgiven, you to attain a stylish ‘50s siren/up-for-it take it out and get drunk with it, it’s fair worst comes to worst, just wrap your- will not be long endured. look (nb - ‘molls’ and ‘schoolgirls’ are play for snatching. My advice would be self in a copy of Nouse; at least you will Those who have the most just two of the euphemisms for the to snatch faster. There’s always some- have something to read when you tire fun and make their way actual dress code: as slutty as you one in Ziggy’s with a better hat. of dancing to ‘Eye of the Tiger’ for the into the most pictures on dare). For cocky males, a dab on 3. An imagination. These can be fifth time in a night. M4 Interview 09/10/07

Ross Noble has just been voted one of the Greatest Comedy Stand-ups of all time. Jo Shelley catches up with him on his Nobleism tour for a bit of Geordie banter ‘Tell us about the Eskimos’

t’s just like… like, I can’t even life.” semi-naked women on the front is describe how… it’s that thing To tour or not to tour is not a deci- hastily tucked into his backpack. I raise of, like…” And with one, sim- sion that most successful comedians “When I was in a terrifying an eyebrow; he laughs and jokes: “Iple question, Ross Noble – have the luxury of making. Shackled to brothel in Amsterdam, I didn’t “That’s a Dixie Chicks documentary by who’s just spent two and a half hours a TV audience that finds them funny the way, in case you thought, ‘Oooh, on stage taking the piss out of a theatre enough to watch from the sofa but pos- he’s got a stash of porn.’” full of delighted Yorkshire locals – is sibly not to spend twenty-odd quid on think, ‘oh yeah, I’ll talk about Off-the-cuff banter like this – tongue-tied. seeing them live, they stick with panel quick, perceptive but not, he assures I’ve asked the comic what it is that games and a sketch show or a series, if that onstage in the future” me, mocking – is, I think, trademark he loves about touring. It can’t be the they’re lucky. Noble, however, is in the Noble. Watching him, you often have money; these days TV work is far more enviable position of being able to make minutes on the sexual problems faced the unsettling sense that any pre-pre- lucrative. Yet he’s spent more of the last the occasional TV programme here and by the over-50s and, if we’re going to go pared wit is being impulsively thrown ten years on the road than off it, and there, and still attract sell-out audi- into specifics, how to cure erectile dys- to the wind in favour of what seems to pops up on our tellies only once a year, ences to his live shows. Like his hero, function. (His answer? “Helium injec- be his favourite pastime: spotting the for an obligatory appearance on Have I Billy Connolly, he has a reputation for tions.”) gag-potential in faces that stare up at Got News For You. The answer, it turns being much funnier in front of a the- I meet Noble after his gig in York, him onstage. Intrigued by this, I ask out, is rather sweet. atre audience. Anyone familiar with his which is one of 36 stops he’s making up how much of the night’s show was “You know how, if you’re in the stand-up routines will know that find- and down the country on his much- ‘something he’d written earlier’. He street, and somebody smiles at you – ing the right words is rarely a problem awaited Nobleism tour. Backstage, looks almost insulted. “It’s not like I’ve how that lifts your day? Well imagine Noble comes across because, in the things are unexpectedly quiet consider- sat down and I’ve gone, ‘right, I’ll write that, concentrated. For a couple of years that have passed since he first ing that he’s the biggest celebrity to it down, these are my jokes,” he says. “I hours you just see hundreds of smiling took the microphone at his local come- come to the city in recent months. Only like going off on a bit of a tangent and faces, and it’s just…” He falters again, dy club aged 15, he’s developed a baf- the man himself and a few of his “crew” then… well, just sort of seeing where his mouth opening and closing so that, fling ability to improvise. In fact, ‘rou- – who are removing a large, inflatable it’ll go. Like, the danger is that you go, with his naturally wide-eyed expres- tine’ seems the wrong word to use for a replica of his head from the auditorium ‘right, this is the show,’ and then there’s sion, he looks a bit like a goldfish as he comedian who can walk onstage, see – - remain. He seems exhausted, but is no room for it to expand, and flow, and tries to find the words to complete his as he did at his York show two weeks incredibly polite, offering up first his just kind of evolve, you know?” sentence. Finally, the Geordie con- ago – the hand of an elderly woman in chair and then the pick of a bright bou- Tonight, I’m told, just three or four cludes with typically northern direct- the front row brush against her hus- quet of Haribo sweets as he packs away jokes were thought of beforehand. It’s ness: “What a great way to live your band’s crotch, and then riff for twenty the last of his things. A DVD with three unsurprising information, given that, 09/10/07 Interview M5

aside from helium-filled penises, most the 100 Greatest Comedy Stand-ups – across broken glass, you know? Like, of the first half revolved around his lat- behind the likes of Connolly, Bailey I’ve got the respect for those guys who est visit to York: the infamous sword and Kay, but in front of Dee, Gervais are singing in pubs, where people are shop (“brilliant”), the Jorvik Viking and Carr. You see, while they rule the chucking shit at them. Even if they’re Centre (“shit”) and the cab drivers telly waves and The Office funnyman not very good, they’re still doing it. (“fucking nuts”). As Noble’s own saying has pipped him to ‘cracking America’, it They’re still going out there and, fair goes, ‘If it’s in the head, it comes out the is Noble’s career that is reaching more enough, they might not be selling out mouth.’ “A few years ago,” he reflects, adventurous, if less glamorous, highs. arenas or whatever, or performing in “when I was in a terrifying under- His comic travelogues for Radio 4 (yes, nice venues and stuff, but they’re still ground brothel in Amsterdam, I didn’t 4) are a case in point. Despite linguis- going out there and doing it because think, ‘oh, yeah, I’ll talk about that at tic, cultural and social differences, they love it. I think people who sort of, some point in the future.’” Yet tonight whenever Ross Noble Goes Global he who avoid things because of, you know, the incident popped into his head and has audiences laughing from Egypt ‘What if this happens, what if that hap- soon an innocent, but messy encounter down to Cape Town; from Eastern pens’… That’s just life, isn’t it? It’s just with a stout, middle-aged Dutch pros- Europe all the way across to China. like yeah, okay…” titute was shared with an auditorium As his experiences in Amsterdam He doesn’t finish his sentence, but full of strangers. Soon, no doubt, it’ll suggest, all this time spent on more what Noble essentially seems to be say- make it onto YouTube. distant roads also has the potential to ing is: “get over it”. Things might be As it happens, Noble is one per- offer up more new material for Noble rosy for the boy from Northumberland forming artist who’s embracing the vir- to use in his performances. On his now, but he remembers well the trials tual world with open arms. He not only recent tour of Australia then, I ask, of performing on the pub-club circuit. has an official internet site (www.ross- were there any episodes which could Audiences weren’t always as receptive noble.co.uk), but is signed up to both rival the brothel gem? to his daft, chit-chat style, or as willing MySpace and YouTube, where he spo- “I did the whole thing on my – or even conscious enough – to be the radically posts clips from his gigs. motorbike,” he begins. “I did this subjects of a little ribbing. Perhaps because of the uniqueness of 26,000-kilometre road trip right “I can never wait to get to work. “I used to do quite a lot of fairly each of his performances, the internet around Australia, just doing a gig every rough kind of nightclub gigs,” he says. revolution doesn’t seem to have cheat- night. And while we were doing that, Imagine turning up to the “Everyone was dancing and pissed, and ed the comedian out of ticket sales. In yeah, there was some fairly mad stuff then they’d just turn off the music and fact, more noticeable is the growing that happened. One night I met a guy office, walking in, and a thou- go, ‘Right, here’s your comic.’ I think gaggle of fans who appear at not one who had a Harley Davidson hearse.” I the worst gig I ever did was in a sports but a number of his shows up and look confused. “Like a motorbike and sand people just cheer” centre in Manchester; it’s the only one down the country. Here in York, when sidecar, you know? With a bit for a cof- where I’ve ever turned up and just one group cried out in unison, “Ross, fin? So in this outback town, right in but like, some people try to sue gone, ‘absolutely no, no way.’ It was a tell us about the Eskimos!” the rest of the middle of nowhere, basically I McDonald’s for making them fat. It’s giant rave, basically, and there was the audience looked perplexed. “That jumped into the bit where the body’s like, if you’re doing something because probably about a thousand, two thou- was pretty much the whole show in supposed to go and we just went driv- a clown told you to do it, then you’re a sand people there. I was in the chillout Birmingham,” he explains. ing round this graveyard.” He grins, fuckwit, you’re a fuckwit who deserves room and there were people uncon- It seems to be a mark of pride with remembering the scene. “That was to get fat! It’s retarded. It’s absolutely scious, just lying there, just fucked. Noble that on his tour, muffin humour pretty cool.” retarded. And I just went, ‘er, no thanks.’” aside (he’s known to like finding faces The boy, it seems, is into his toys; “Now I’m ranting, but that’s the Things are very different now. In in them), the same joke never gets told and particularly the fast, two-wheeled way I feel. Because I’m into my motor- an analogy typical of a man who likes to twice: “What some comics do is they’ll kind, suggesting that in life, as on bikes and stuff, and you know when burn rubber, Noble describes doing have their thing and then they’ll just stage, he prefers getting kicks to get- people go,” – he puts on his best whiny stand-up comedy as being “a bit like milk it, but I refuse to go back.” It’s not ting comfy. The hearse anecdote is voice – “‘Ooh, they’re very dangerous.’ driving a car.” If this holds true, he’s surprising, therefore, that he admits to soon followed by one about a con- And you go, ‘Yes, they are. Good.’ It’s upped several gears since his days on forgetting many of the stories he’s told frontation with “one of the most poi- like…” There’s a sigh of exasperation. the rave circuit and is currently cruis- as the shows behind him begin to blur sonous snakes in the world” whilst “If you spend your whole life trying to ing. These days, people come to shows into one. The constant flow of creative filming Down Under in Darwin. protect yourself…” ready and willing for him to make them energy required onstage – dreaming Nothing came of it, of course, but the Suddenly, mid-monologue, what laugh, which makes striding onstage, something up on the spur of the idea still makes a female member of his started out as a rant about snakes, cof- he says, an entirely unnerve-racking moment, acting it out and half-teasing crew, wheeling the wardrobe rail out fee and motorbikes, touches on reality experience. the audience for finding it funny – from his dressing room, shudder. Her TV contests and bizarrely acquires a “Imagine getting up every morn- seems to have led to him suffering from reaction soon gets Noble thinking. more severe tone. Noble’s carefree phi- ing and just going, ‘I can’t wait, I can’t some kind of performance amnesia. “You know, snakes and spiders, losophy on living life, it appears, is wait to get to work’. That’s what it’s like. When the Brummies piped up, he too and just all of that stuff – it doesn’t wound up with a serious philosophy on It’s never, never work, it’s never a chore. was puzzled. “Here, it’s like, I can’t even bother me. Because I just hate the way the pursuit of one’s dreams and life Imagine turning up to your office, and remember it,” he says. how, nowadays, in modern life in gen- ambitions. you walk in, and everyone, a thousand Once, Noble recalls catching him- eral, you can’t have a puddle of water Noble poses “The natural state of the human people, just cheer. Imagine that, just self on TV in New Zealand doing a gag on the floor without somebody putting in the black mind is not to live in a perpetual state turning up at the office.” He’s animated about cherubs (“my basic theory on a ridiculous, yellow thing over it with, and white get- of bliss… All these people on the bloody now, and he sits up, raises both arms cherubs is that you never trust anyone ‘Don’t Slip On This’ written on it. You up he wears X-Factor and all that, they’re there just and roars like a football fan. who plays trumpet in the nude”). “Even know, people suing coffee shops for for all of his going, ‘This was my dream and I can’t “‘Yeeeeeeeeeeeaaahh!’ And then every- though it was me, I could remember burning their mouth…” He trails off, believe it’s over.’ No it’s not! If you real- one just sits there, you know? And you about five per cent of it – it was this evidently disgusted. “But not only that, performances ly wanted to do it, you would crawl get to make people laugh.” sort of hazy kind of memory,” he says. “I Someone pops their head around was pissing myself laughing… It was the door of his dressing room; there are like watching someone else.” a crowd of fans waiting for him outside. To be fair to Noble – who, judging Maybe they’re looking for an auto- by his rapturous reception in York, will graph, but chances are they’re hoping be egged on to return to the helium, the for just a few more laughs and a bit prostitute and the budgerigars (‘why’, more banter before the night’s over. I’m now asking myself, ‘do they need Either way, he’s up and off. The bets are ladders?’) at some point in the future – on that they’ll be going home smiling. he’s never going to be able to remember everything. In fact, I realise, given the pace with which he’s still pounding TOP ROSS NOBLE QUOTES around the international comedy cir- cuit after ten-odd years, he’d be lucky “York’s got all manner of medieval to retain a fraction of it. s**t but no modern facilities.” It’s easy to forget myself, sitting opposite him, just how celebrated a “How come Miss Universe is only stand-up comic Noble is. In all honesty, won by people from Earth?” now that his trademark dark, messy tresses have disappeared underneath a “Common people get crabs, posh brown baker boy hat, the man original- people get lobsters.” ly from Cramlington, Northumberland isn’t someone you’d necessarily recog- “When’s someone going to turn nise if he passed you on the street. But, around to Bono and go, “Bono! log onto the Channel 4 website and You’re from Ireland! You shouldn’t you’ll see his name there, voted in at even own sunglasses!’“ number ten in the broadcaster’s list of M6 In-depth 09/10/07 Opening the X-files: inside Britain’s UFO Project

Are we all alone in the universe? Nick Pope, former head of the government’s UFO investigations, isn’t so sure. He talks to Raf Sanchez about the great ‘unexplained’

o conspiracy theorists, Nick resignedly at his dilemma. “I do appre- both within the MoD and since leaving Pope is the right man with the ciate I’m in a very difficult situation. the government. In November 2006, wrong answer. The former We’re back to that old cliche that you shortly after leaving the Ministry, Pope Thead of Britain’s UFO Project can’t prove a negative. I can under- made headlines (some wryly amused, has had years of unparalleled access stand why I get accused of disinforma- others alarmist) with his claim that the and resources to investigate the signifi- tion and and all sorts of things but I UK’s air defence was “wide open” to cance of unexplained visitors to don’t think that there’s anything I any potential extraterrestrial visitors, Britain’s airspace. Since leaving the could say, even if I could come up with friendly or otherwise. The Daily Mirror MoD in 2006 he has taken up a high the most eloquent, well reasoned, logi- ran with: “Earth: We’re Wide Open To profile career as a writer, lecturer and cal, substantiated argument. If a die Attack”. consultant. He seemed to be a man hard conspiracy theorist really wants So what did Pope see during his preparing to impart revelation. If any- to believe something, my denial is not time at the UFO Project that not only one should be able to confirm that the going convince them otherwise.” converted him from a skeptic but has government knows of the existence of For the record, I believe Pope. He turned him into something of a cam- extraterrestrial life, it should, in theory, seems too interested in the details of paigner for a scientific approach to be Pope. UFO sightings, too energised by the Ufology? The answer lies in a propor- Except that he won’t. To the rabid fragmented information they afford – tion of 5%. Pope found that of the 200- frustration of many Ufologists (the details which would surely be swept 300 reports of UFO sightings that recent term coined to describe those away by the blanket knowledge that came across his desk every year, 80% who study UFO sightings) Pope contin- aliens definitely exist. More than that could be explained away as “misidenti- ues to deny that the government he he seems genuinely philosophical fications of something ordinary, such served for over 20 years has informa- about the impact that such knowledge as aircraft lights, satellites, airships, tion confirming the existence of aliens would have on humanity. “I think that weather balloons or planets.” In a fur- and just isn’t sharing it. Clips of inter- it would be, aside from proof of the ther 15% the information was too views on the internet show the clean existence of God and an Afterlife, the sparse to make any real judgements. cut former civil servant interrogated by next biggest thing that you could ever Yet, in the remaining 5% there was enthusiasts already sure of the answer hope to discover and the world would enough information, usually in the they want and left bitter and accusato- obviously be a totally different place form of radar signatures and visual ry when they don’t get it. the day after we knew for sure we sightings by trained observers like RAF Despite his consistent response to weren’t alone in the universe.” pilots, yet still no one was able to iden- questions about a cover-up I decide to The interesting thing about Pope tify the object. To Pope these incidents try my luck, just in case he is having a is that his career follows an inverse tra- were “very interesting and by defini- particularly candid afternoon. His jectory to most of those in the UFO tion ‘unexplained’“. answer is swift and well-rehearsed. “To business. Rather than being someone The ‘Cosford Incident’ helped to the best of my knowledge, there's no who was convinced from the outset of “The world would obviously be a solidify Pope’s belief that something cover-up and no conspiracy. While the the significance of UFOs and went had to be done to deal with the vulner- MoD has consistently tried to down- about gathering information, Pope had totally different place the day ability of Britain’s air defence to pene- play the subject, they've never lied the information before the belief. tration by UFOs. On the night of about it and have no evidence that Before taking over the UFO Project after we knew for sure that we March 30 and the morning of March would prove the existence of extrater- (his brief had no official title but ‘UFO 31 1993 over a hundred witnesses, restrials. Where information is being Project’ is his preferred term because weren’t alone in the universe” many of them pilots and police officers, withheld, it generally relates to details “it does what it says on the tin”) he reported seeing fast moving lights in that if released would be detrimental to served in a number of more traditional ed in many ways. Skeptics can take it to the sky. Some gave more detailed defence or national security.” He says roles within the MoD. During the first say ‘well, we’re only interested in for- descriptions of a large triangular that there are vast case files of incidents Gulf War he assessed the impact of eign military aircraft.’ Someone a little shaped craft, “like two Concordes fly- and sightings that his unit was never Allied bombing raids on Iraqi positions more open minded can say ‘Well no, if ing side by side and joined together.” able to explain away as weather bal- and was responsible for briefing senior UFOs really are extraterrestrial then Another sighting was then reported by loons or airplanes but what there isn’t government and military figures. that would be of defense significance in an officer, at an RAF base in is, as Pope puts it, “a smoking gun”, or Pope claims he arrived at the job and of itself.’” It seems difficult to argue Shawsbury. more bluntly: “something locked away with a “broadly skeptical” view as to the that alien craft entering British air- “He saw the UFO fire a narrow in a hangar somewhere.“ wisdom of putting resources into space would not be of interest to beam of light (like a laser) at the I find his answer convincing investigating UFOs. His remit could be defence intelligence, but apparently it ground and saw the light sweeping enough, except for the fact that as a sig- summed up in a single line: “to evalu- was a line taken by some of the more backwards and forwards across the natory to the Official Secrets Act, it’s ate UFO sightings to see whether or traditional members of the military field beyond the perimeter fence, as if the only one he can give without open- not there is evidence of anything of establishment. it were looking for something. He ing himself up to the possibility of pros- defence significance.” It is these last Challenging this view and instill- heard an unpleasant low frequency ecution by his former employer. How two words that shaped the focus and ing a sense of the importance of the humming sound coming from the craft can we believe his denial when it’s the operating procedures of the unit. “belief that UFO sightings should be and said he could feel as well as hear only thing he can legally say? “Defence significance is the key phrase properly investigated in a scientific this - rather like standing in front of a I put this to Pope, who nods that over the years has been interpret- way” has been one of Pope’s passions bass speaker. He estimated the size of 09/10/07 In-depth M7

the craft to be midway between a C- Nick Pope with coming to Earth. It relies mainly on the going to be a photo or a video or some- are some serious issues that would 130 Hercules transport aircraft and a the UK’s largest use of enormous radio telescopes to thing. It has to be something acknowl- need thought, bio hazards to name just Boeing 747.” No aircraft were scram- radio telescope, monitor deep space for signs of intelli- edged by the mainstream scientific one. If there is open contact one of the bled because the object, seen in over a Jodrell Bank, at gent transmissions. And the already community. Which is why I think it’s questions people will ask is ‘is there a hundred places, could not be detected advanced technology is moving fast. far more likely that proof will come bio hazard from us to them, them to us, by radar. Manchester According to Pope, “the sensitivity and through radio astronomy. SETI will or indeed both ways, who is going to Pope, who has been sitting for- University power of the radio telescopes and the beat Ufology when it comes to proof test for that, how is it going be tested, ward intensely as he talks, suddenly associated computing power to analyze positive, simply because society will what kit is going to be used, where is smiles and leans back. “My head of and process the data is going through not accept what Ufologists regard as that kit, how do you get it to the loca- division, who was a huge skeptic of the roof.” In 2014 the next generation proof.” tion, what are the command control UFOs, briefed the assistant chief of the of radio telescopes will come online, Interestingly, SETI today is “effec- arrangements, what’s the media han- air staff [on the incident]. There was tively private”. The highly technological dling strategy?’ All these questions, not this wonderful phrase: ‘In summary, operations are carried out by private any plan. Frankly, we’ll just muddle there would seem to be some evidence “Any civilization that visits us is research organisations and members of through.” that on this occasion an unidentified the scientific community rather than Although, as Pope admits, in the object (or objects) was operating over going to be more technologically by governments or militaries. NASA event of a landing by a race that can the UK.’ That’s probably about as close briefly engaged in SETI in the first half travel at lightspeeds, it is unlikely that as the MOD will ever get to saying advanced, so chances are that of the Clinton administration, before a humanity is going to be in the driving there are UFOs.” cost-cutting Republican Congress seat and the best-laid plans of men Although he is quick to point out they are going to be the ones that pulled the plug on the project in 1996. often go awry. “Any civilization that vis- that his background is defence intelli- Since then the search has been carried its us is almost certainly going to be gence and not science, Pope can be set the agenda and call the shots” out almost entirely outside of govern- more technologically advanced than coaxed into talking interestingly on ment quarters. The UK’s largest radio us, so chances are they are going to be scientific developments in man’s massively expanding humanity’s view telescope, Jodrell Bank, is run and the ones that dictate whether or not it’s search for other life in the universe. He of the Universe. The technology is so maintained by the University of kept a secret and on what terms con- is quick to draw a distinction between powerful “there are scientists who Manchester. This raises the slightly tact is made and on what terms the Ufology, the study of UFOs that enter believe that if there are detectable civi- bizarre situation in which the first peo- news is propagated. If we are visited it Earth’s atmosphere, and the Search for lizations within a 100 light years of ple to make contact, and possibly might well be that the visitors set the Extraterrestrial Intelligence (SETI). here, which certainly encompasses sev- speaking on behalf of Earth, may not agenda and call the shots.” “Ufology,” he says “is a broad church. eral thousand stars, we should be able be one of the world’s governments but Pope may not have seen confirma- There are some complete nutcases and to detect them through their signals.” instead the employees of a private tion that there is other intelligent life charlatans involved in it and there are The thought that in less than a decade research company. in the universe. But what he has seen, also some extremely professional men human technology could push the This lack of a plan, or even a and it is likely to be far more than most and women doing some sterling work.” shadows of space back so far is both framework, for dealing with the dis- of us ever will, seems to have convinced Ufology as it currently stands has no awe-inspiring and terrifying. covery of aliens is another of Pope’s him of the need to be prepared that one established scientific method and can Pope puts his faith in SETI to concerns. “What there isn’t, as far as day there might be. As I think of the come in any number of forms, from sit- make the first contact with other intel- I’ve seen, is any contingency plan, any epic bureaucratic, administrative and ting on a hillside with binoculars to the ligent life forms. “I believe that if con- SOP [standard operating procedure] logistic battles a plan for a human kind of intelligence analysis that Pope tact is made it will come through radio for a landing, a crash, a contact. I think response to contact would bring I find was employed in. astronomy, through detecting a signal in a sense that is a mistake. The mili- myself wondering if somewhere out SETI is a much broader search as opposed to a spaceship landing in tary and the government tend to have a there someone has a much simpler than simply looking out for alien craft the desert. Proof of contact is never plan for just about everything. There plan for us. M8 Technology 09/10/07

Who needs a Second Life? Go to a gig, attend lectures, have sex: Jenny O’Mahony explores a new virtual world

omputer games and I have One of the very first decisions you make Second Life could be seen as extending are highly respected in Second Life, and always had a complicated rela- is your appearance, and the sheer num- the kind of grassroots culture the inter- its creators have began to turn a profit. tionship. My torrid pre-pubes- ber of combinations, from body fur to net has resurrected on behalf of ama- The man behind the idea, Philip Ccent affair with Crash the alignment of your chin can all be teur musicians, writers and the like. Rosedale, thinks that virtual worlds are Bandicoot gave way to a more steady dabbled with. This being the internet, However, I found the game diffi- fundamentally changing the way coupling with The Sims, but now we see the emphasis on appearance has much cult to take seriously. The temptation humans interact, and he sees this as just each other rarely, reduced to snatching to do with the cybersex that the was either to flirt outrageously with the the beginning: “What was once a novel quick moments together on wet after- American teenagers, who make up, one first person you came across, just to see concept is now ubiquitous not only for noons. We are separated partly by fate, imagines, a fair amount of the member- if they would karate chop or wink at companies, but for individuals, as well.” and partly by my acquisition of a life. you. The tiresome fanatics, who wander Second Life works because people Because of this compulsive-addictive around the fields of Second Life are prepared to spend large amounts of tendency, it was with some trepidation “I came for the dressed like members of the Medieval time and, crucially, money on the net- that I entered the virtual world du jour, Re-enactment Society exist in large work. It has the combination of being Second Life. amazing technology, numbers. The men who would find it user-friendly and just a bit addictive, a Second Life has existed since funny to run around naked in real life combination which has made millions 2003, when the sinister sounding com- but I’ve stayed for seem to find it just as hilarious when for internet wonderkids like Facebook’s pany Linden Lab decided that office they can replace their paunches with 23 year old creator, Mark Zuckerberg. workers and students were probably the cool people” washboard stomachs and their own Even if the premise seems like a com- not wasting enough time, and decided genitalia with, well, bought genitalia. plete waste of time, the truth is that to allow them to live, communicate, ship, hope to engage in. The combina- In other words, the irritants of daily life Above: dancing people will always love pointless dis- own property and have sex within a tion of capitalism and sexual frustration simply transfer their presence into your at a virtual traction, and, for most, Second Life Web 2.0 platform - all while creating which has long characterised the USA virtual existence, leaving you wonder- disco; lounging provides light relief in the guise of being new outfits for themselves. is epitomised here by the fact that geni- ing what happened to utopia. at a cocktail something more serious. If the interest What is interesting about this tals will cost you extra in this game. Luckily for Linden Lab, people bar; on a trip to of the public and capabilities of Second unashamedly geeky premise is its main- After selecting my first name as with more patience than myself find Life continue to expand, so will the art- stream success: there are close to 1 mil- Edina, after Jennifer Saunders’s paean Second Life a great comfort. the WWF’s ful procrastination of the majority of its lion members, and one woman, Anshe to the superficial in Ab Fab, I scroll Insecurities about bodies, academic Conservation users. The future for Second Life looks Chung, has netted more than $1 million through the bizarre list of surnames, grades, accent, class and specialist sex- Island decidedly rosy. from her entirely imaginary property and opt for Ibanez, ending up resem- ual preference (that again) melt away. empire using the program. Although bling some sort of Egyptian Secret You can live out any fantasy you like, Second Lifers use Linden Dollars, these Agent. I then proceed to explore. It was and no one will be any the wiser. Vito REAL LIFE IN SECOND LIFE Roma: A place in SL based on Ancient Rome. Dress up in can be exchanged for proper money. at that point that I realised perhaps it Desoto, who built his own gay hangout, a toga and walk around Palatine Hill, the Fori Romani, Brands as diverse as Adidas, Trinity was not all about sex and money. named Fire Island, indicates some of College Dublin and the nation of Virtual universities offer virtual online the positive aspects of being a Second etc. Switzerland have all cashed in, with the courses. Virtual gigs showcase unsigned Lifer: “Originally, I came for the amaz- Swiss Embassy just one of many diplo- bands. Second Life suffers from terror- ing technology, but I’ve stayed for the Armani: Dress your virtual self with purchases from the matic outposts your avatar can visit. ist attacks and isn’t even safe from the cool people. I created Fire Island as a shop that Giorgio has modeled on his Milan boutique. The experience of Second Life is 2008 US Presidential election, as can- non-commercial place where I would very much based around how you didates hold rallies after teleporting in not get hit on or harassed.” Sky News: Pick up a reporter’s kit from Sky headquarters would like to be seen and interpreted. from another world. In many ways Creative entrepeneurs like Desoto and compete to be their best citizen journalist online. 09/10/07 In-depth M9 Left behind, but still smiling When celebrities adopt, it’s not only their new child’s life that is affected, as Rachel Holloway finds out when she visits the orphanage where Madonna found her son

hen I worked in Malawi during my gap year in 2005, I had the privilege of Wspending time at the Home of Hope orphanage, just outside the country’s capital, Lilongwe. Back then the orphanage, though fairly well sup- ported by Malawian standards, was lit- tle known to people outside Malawi itself. Two years later, however, the homes and faces of countless children who reside there have been splashed all over the world’s tabloids, glossies and broadsheets alike. The adoption of David Banda, who was just 13 months old at the beginning of the debacle last October, caused scores of journalists to descend upon the orphanage. What did they want? A snapshot of David, the lat- est addition to Madonna’s family. My return to Home of Hope this summer finds little change at first glance; groups of girls chatter amongst themselves as I enter the compound, the youngest crying out, excited by the presence of an Azungu (white person). Life goes on the same as ever; the chil- dren rise at 5.30 for their morning devotions, eat at the same times and still giggle and laugh at the smallest things. As I settle back into life at the orphanage, I talk to one of the eldest, Chipiliro Chimtika, 19. Chipiliro, which means patience, is an intense character. Despite having lived at the orphanage for most of his life, he has a remarkably positive outlook and a great awareness deep resentment to the adoption. Life continues as fall of President Hasting Banda’s was not once consulted by the govern- of politics. It is he who eventually brings “Imagine,” he says, looking me in the normal at the regime in 1994, the boys insist that cor- ment about the adoption of a child in up the subject of the adoption. eye, "if the process was reversed, and a ruption still exists, from village chiefs to his care. He asks me how British people Malawian picked a child from England Home of Hope. government officials. The motto ‘Stop As he proudly told me of the new reacted to David's adoption and is sur- to take back in a matter of hours." Photos: Rachel Corruption; Develop Malawi’ plastered developments since my last visit, and of prised when I inform him of the back- It must be taken into account that Holloway across billboards throughout the his hope that enough money could be here it can take two hours to wait for a Republic suddenly seems somewhat raised for two new houses, I found bus, and people cook slowly on fires, ironic. myself falling silent. Although I would ‘I ask how long doing without the luxury of electricity. But what of David? Whilst most have loved to hear his view on the adop- As I reflect on this, suddenly the few cannot deny that David’s quality of life tion, I couldn’t quite bear to ruin the Madonna stayed days that Madonna cumulatively spent will be much improved in England, this mood with the awkward questions that in Malawi seem even more remarkable. cannot make the adoption entirely he has probably had to contend with for to pick a child. Is it not ridiculous that the woman who acceptable in many people’s eyes. Elton the last few years. has adopted this boy knows next to Samuel, another Home of Hope Sitting on a fallen tree by the side “Just over 2 nothing about his country, his cul- orphan, reminds me of the implications of the road, I have a final chat with ture, or even his family? of the cultural gap between England Chipiliro and his friends. As we laugh hours,” he replies’ Back at the Home of Hope, I and Malawi. Elton tells me that he is and joke about the differences between meet some of Chipiliro’s friends concerned that his "little brother will no our cultures, I mention that perhaps I lash. I ask how many days Madonna who, having seen him talking to longer be a Malawian" having not heard will write about the boys in a newspa- stayed at the orphanage before deciding me, have some things to get the official language of Chichewa, or per when I get home. Chipiliro beams on a child to adopt. He laughs shortly, off their own chests. Frank ever learned to cook the national dishes, his huge, Malawian smile at me and and there is an awkward pause. Rabbo, a laid-back sports or even understood the importance of nods. "It is good for people to know "Days?” he asks, somewhat incred- fanatic who is popular with dancing at a traditional festival. These how we feel about these things." ulously. “She was here for just over two the girls at the orphanage, may seem like insignificant details, Looking out across the scrubland hours." seems insistent that cor- but for a country ranked number one as I travel back, I conclude that Malawians, for whom even a greet- ruption within Malawi for poverty by the CIA World Chipiliro is right; it is good for people ing can take up to 20 minutes, find this played a part in the hur- Factbook, where the average life to know how Malawians feel. Madonna hurried western attitude confusing, if ried adoption. "The cor- expectancy is only 40, culture is one herself is not entirely to blame for such not inexcusably rude. She certainly did- ruption, it is every- thing of which Malawians feel they oversight, but her actions in Malawi n’t abide by the law which states that where," he laments. The can be proud. For David Banda to over the past year have highlighted a foreign visitors must remain in Malawi growing circle of boys lose this heritage suggests to broader issue: that the West can some- for 18 months before officially adopting around us murmurs in Malawians that their culture is times act in a way that seems to over- a Malawian-born child. agreement. "We are worthless to the outside world. look the feelings of people in smaller, Chipiliro isn’t the only Malawian embarrassed by our Amid all the noise being non-western nations. with a strong opinion on the subject. country," one boy admits. made by the children at the As Malawians see it, Madonna's One friend, Aaron Maulidi, simply Despite the attempts orphanage, its founder, actions imply that having greater shakes his head when the 'Madonna of President Bingu wa Reverend Chipeta, keeps wealth is, for us Azungus, an adequate issue' crops up, before quietly murmur- Mutharika’s Democractic markedly quiet. This dignified excuse for bypassing the people and ing: "It’s bad, very bad. Her Progressive Party to root silence is significant. Here is a laws of countries that are desperately behaviour...it is not good." As we talk I out the problems that have man who, despite his involvement trying to develop and be considered begin to get the feeling that there is crippled Malawi since the in the Home since its foundation, equals in the international arena. 09/10/07 Travel M11

t is 21:19, and I am clutching my have to go back to Ulaanbaator today; mobile while standing on plat- its semi-modernised atmosphere will form number three (and no be depressing. Still, the show must go Iquarters) in Moscow’s on. Yaroslavsky station, wondering why Crossing Beijing is everything Outer my call is connecting not to the voice Mongolia wasn’t: a mind-boggling of my female friend but to garbled mesh of empirical dynasties and vast Slavic grunts and recorded Russian crowds of people. We frequent markets messages. I am a little panicked, not (which have all been crammed into least because at 21:25 exactly – the malls at the government’s insistence), Russians are incredibly punctual continents perfectly maintained parks, massage when it comes to trains – the hissing parlours (because our feet hurt) and a vehicle by my side will pull out and million and one museums. The begin its seven-day-long journey to Forbidden City is a disappointment (it the other side of the world, and, is mostly under renovation and Roger unless I get seriously lucky, it will be Moore no longer does the audio minus two, currently petrified, From Moscow to Mongolia, riding on the guides), but the Summer Palace is the English ladies. A loitering group of most spectacular thing ever built, and burly soldiers size me up menacingly, Trans-Siberian express is a humbling, once-in- richer in detail than you could possibly whilst metres away a babushka is imagine. scrabbling for change on the floor, her We climb the Great Wall (the grubby layers of skirt clenched tightly a-lifetime adventure, says Venetia Rainey JinShanLing section, for those in the in her fist. know), which takes five hours and This scene is typical of Moscow, more energy than I would usually care an unashamedly industrial city rid- frankly stupid number of cups of tea Siberia, more famous for its presence to expend in a day. The views were dled with fantastical characters and later, I am still on the train I had, even- on the Risk board game than its prox- postcard-perfect, however, and our racked with contradictions. Note, for tually, managed to board days before. I imity to Lake Baikal (the deepest lake efforts to get away from the more example, the shrine to capitalism (a have one more night in our four-person in the world). After that we are going tourist-infested sections paid off; we designer shopping mall) sitting smug- berth, which we are sharing with on to Vladivostok, a city closed off to were alone most of the time save the ly on the other side of Red Square Lyuda, an old lady who smacks her the world (including the Russians, due regular cries of, “Water! You need from Lenin’s mausoleum; or the gums incessantly and is irritatingly to its eastern location) until 1991. water! No? What about a hat?” from Disney-like magic of the multi- keen to communicate with us via my Tonight, however, the seedily lit buffet opportunistic hawkers along the way. coloured, bauble-adorned St Basil’s, Russian phrasebook. All she has told us car and its supply of vodka await. Well, We meandered through the city’s compared with the stark, towering so far is that the tea we are being given as they say: “When in Rome...” hutongs (tiny alleyways) on our bicy- statements of functionality embodied five times a day is a padarak (present) I am now in Outer Mongolia, the cles, picking up quail kebabs roasted in by the old Kremlin Palace of and the obligation to look surprised yet most sparsely populated country in the various spices along the way. Congresses, where Stalin used to pleased by this information is getting world, and I am feeling further from Beijing is an outdoors kind of city. gather with his Politburo. It is gritty really old, really quickly. civilisation than ever before in my life. The houses in the hutongs do not have but magnificent, giving off an air of For the most part, however, it has Breathtaking, hostile and unbelievably their own toilets, so there are commu- century-old grandeur and resilience. been a pleasant train journey, generally beautiful doesn’t even begin to describe nal ones everywhere. It is not uncom- I wish I could say I warmed to St consisting of conversations meditating earth’s second-largest landlocked mon to live in one small room, so by Petersburg as much as Moscow. I had country. On each of the last few days night, card and dice games litter the been there just hours before, and we have been driven for hours on end street in place of house-orientated found it soulless - an artificial ‘People live here as they did down sweeping valleys, through gatherings. Gyms are for the very rich shell of former splendour. unchartered torrents of water and over and come early evening, gaggles of Cracking nightlife, though; I thousands of years ago, and rocky, vehicle-upturning precipices. women exercise on public step- guess you can’t like every- We have ridden wild Mongolian horses machines on the pavement. They where you visit. the landscape humbles the in the driving rain, killed and eaten a smile and laugh a lot, although this Four days, 37 sheep the traditional way (make a could have been because my packets of Russian soul almost violently’ small slit in the stomach, reach in and friend and I must have looked krekers (crackers), squeeze the heart until it bursts; chop like a spectacle. Tonight I five pots of up roughly, boil in a pot, dip in a vat of have promised myself I i n s t a n t on the state of the world, reading salt and eat), been drunk on Genghis will try dog, as a local p o t a t o books, eating, sleeping and taking pic- Khan vodka whilst sitting round in a has promised me it m a s h tures. It is a soporific yet fantastically yurt (basically an igloo made with will taste just like and a indulgent lifestyle; you are forced to sheets rather than ice, but no warmer), English chick- slow down completely and just sit and showered in an icy Shamanic waterfall, en. I can’t watch towns and the Siberian country- and ridden camels into the Gobi desert wait. side fly past you. Every few hours the to the sound of Mongol deep-throat train stops at a station, which is the singing. only chance you have to get off. Every single sense is alive at every Food can be bought - usually single second out here. It is not potato-stuffed pastries, fresh fruit always enjoyable (they hardly have or dried fish - and stagnant air any roads outside of the capital, enjoyed, but only for ten min- Ulaanbaator) but it is one of the utes or so, after which the few countries that still makes no provodnost (attendant) Making a brief concessions to the western chivvies you back onto stop at a busy lifestyle. People live here as the train. station, many they did thousands of Tomorrow we long-distance years ago, and the will reach travellers stock landscape humbles Irkutsk, the the soul almost biggest city up on fish, fruit v i o l e n t l y . i n and pastries. Shame we M12 Freshers’ Special Freshers’ Special M13

Freshers’ Week is upon us and for THE FRESHERS FILE We run through eight things every respectable fresher newcomers to York, there is so much should have done by the end of their fortnight of fun to find out and so little time. Don’t worry though: from making friends with your flatmates to swimming in Freshers: the lake, second year Nicky Woolf has all the answers (or so he thinks) Welcome

1. Climbed the hill up to Clifford’s Tower and 7. Accumulated enough feel very old indeed. The campus in my Freshers’ Week that stuck, and Clifford’s Tower, and Ziggy’s. Photos: event wristbands to is quiet, for the moment, but there some of the stuff that didn’t. then rolled down it with Georgi Mabee paper one whole wall in is a sense of foreboding, a sense of Don’t try to catch the ducks or to York as much abandon as 4. Eaten a classic stu- your room in halls. See Ia gathering storm. On Sunday the geese. They are faster, more agile, more you can muster (whoop- dent meal. May include how long you can keep October 7 this storm will break, and intelligent and almost definitely less ing and screaming sweet chilli sauce, them there before two and a half thousand young adults intoxicated than you are. They can also optional, alcohol prefer- cheese, cold pizza, peas either you start to feel will rain down on the already-strained fly. The odds are stacked against you. able). and anything from Efes. dirty and used, or they concrete of this frail University. In fact, The University’s official policy – just become a serious by the time you are reading this it will and this is 100% true – is that if you 2. Had some quality 5. Acquired new items fire hazard. already have happened. Like floods kill a fellow student you are allowed drunken banter with of fancy dress. Don’t get after a monsoon, you freshers will have back to study once you have completed Rob and Pete, the sentimental about what 8. Bitched about how poured in drunken rivulets from col- your allocated custodial sentence, but Ziggy’s bouncers and (if you brought with you, ugly the York campus lege to bar, from bar to club and – in all if you kill a duck you are banned for you’re really, really rejoice waking up with is; the simply obscene probability, as water will flow down life. Rumours of duck-eating in good) had them both those glowing devil amount of duck poo until it collects – from club into the Langwith are, I’m reliably informed, say goodbye to you at horns you’ve always present wherever you waiting embrace of the lake. entirely unfounded. the end of the night. wanted. go, and the utter inade- Which brings me to my first piece The swans, too, are beautiful, quacy of your horrible, of advice. If you can possibly help it, serene, peaceful creatures, majestic in 3. Got naked in front of 6. Forgotten certain prison-like accommoda- and if you haven’t already, don’t swim their snowy finery as they cruise upon at least three other peo- aspects of the night tion. But, in the end, in the lake. the placid surface of the lake. If you ple. Drinking games are before. Some things, still concluded that the Let me qualify that. If your hon- approach one from behind while he normally the most effi- and some people, just next few years are going our is honestly at stake, swim it. It sleeps, ever-so-softly, ever-so-quietly, cient way to complete aren’t meant to be to be cracking. makes for a good story to tell the ever-so-gently, closer and closer, hand this one. remembered. Hopefully. grandkids, assuming the pollutive outstretched in cautious curiosity – experience hasn’t rendered you chemi- you will get your arm broken and your Freshers arrive cally unable to reproduce. But remem- eyes pecked out. Best to let them alone, tials, there’s the price of the events to ber that it is only two feet deep (people really. think about. And t-shirts. And online MY FRESHERS’ WEEK at York (above), have broken ankles jumping in from Alcohol is not always your friend. poker. Be prepared for your bank Anne-Marie Canning Jamie Tyler Chris Cowan and members the bridges) and almost entirely com- An acquaintance of mine is known to account to take quite a hit. Ultimately, YUSU President Derwent JCRC Chair Langwith student of the duck posed of germs, excrement and broken have drunk some spectacular quantity though, it is worth it, even if it means (right) and bicycles. of alcohol on his very first night at pot noodle on toast for a few months Being such a chatterbox, it wasn’t really the I’m not proud of everything that happened in Funny how my first week could centre around medieval There is no Mini in there, no mat- York, rendering him unconscious in a afterwards. partying which got me in Freshers' Week. It Freshers’ Week but I’m certainly not one person and their penis. And I hear he’s no (below) com- ter what anyone tells you. It isn’t deep corridor early in the evening. A little Asking around, I find that the ashamed. It all started innocently with anoth- Ron Jeremy. It was pretty much his introduc- was the staying-up-chatting-till-6am-about- munities. enough. But there is a murder-weapon while later, as his new-found friends most common piece of advice for fresh- absolute-rubbish! My excessive chatting cul- er mother dropping off another nervy fresher. tion (after a few drinks) to us - announcing in there somewhere. Dr. Elizabeth conscientiously checked on his well- ers is to just go out and knock on doors. minated in a shaky tired fresher being sent After is a bit of a blur. The first two nights his small appendage and his even smaller Photos: Georgi Howe, a visiting Oxford don, was being, he was found to have suffered an Meet people, as many people you can. home from Freshers’ Ball, much to my were lost to alcoholic amnesia; all I know is I bladder. Campus became not a collection of Mabee stabbed to death in a Wentworth (now extremely unpleasant accident. He has, For God’s sake don’t be put off if embarrassment! I also lost my voice and was woke up with more phone numbers than colleges, but rather various sites on which Goodricke D block) bedroom in 1990. I am told, been known as “Spongebob the first person you meet is a complete ordered to stop talking by my doctor. (To the faces. I found people I felt more comfortable he’d had to relieve said bladder, meanwhile The knife was, police say, cast into the Shitpants” ever since. twathandle. That’s very important. relief of my new flatmates I should imagine!) around, before Derwent’s infamous ‘Slag n daring us to peek at his trouser-worm. His murky depths of the lake and never Another fresher last year, a friend Quite often, in any university, you’ll The main thing is to pace yourself, try and get Drag’ came round; my night as a lady, in a particular ‘favourite’ was the bridge from recovered. of mine informs me, lost his entire stu- meet these people. Just smile and nod, some sleep so you can enjoy all the events and bizarre twist of fate, ended as the night I Market Square to the library. Classy stuff. As a fresher, you’re probably going dent loan at online poker during the and they will go away. We’re not all like fun! In the meanwhile my voice has returned, became a man. The weekend saw Fresh, and Funny who you meet though - two years later to get a lot of advice and be told a lot of first two weeks, and was forced to drop that. Nobody likes everyone they meet. so come and say hi! the start of a romance. Quite a week! and I’m still living with him. stories in the coming weeks by us old- out of university before the term had A friend of mine tells me of some- timers. Some of it will doubtless be even begun. one she knows who, out of shyness, sentence ends with an exclamation very different from school, where most Another housemate, Remi, is on sage. Some of it will doubtless be inac- Money is an important considera- spent their entire first two weeks in mark. After that, things become more What to do if things of your friends are your friends because the football team. A friend of mine, curate, alcohol-fuelled, immoral, tion, in fact. York’s Freshers’ Week is their room playing Xbox. He now difficult for a number of years, until you grew up together. At university, James, started a political society. uncool or illegal, or some unholy com- not the cheapest few days you will ever wishes fervently that someone had suddenly Freshers’ Week arrives and aren’t going to plan your friends are your friends because Another is editor of the campus fash- bination of the above. I am going to do experience. Quite apart from the price the old simplicity, and the exclamation you are genuinely similar people. ion magazine. Yet another has a radio my level best to tell you what I got told of alcohol, taxis, food and other essen- marks, return. “You live on my corri- Yusu Welfare offers a wide The best way to make friends like show. ‘The geese are faster, more dor! Let’s be best friends!” is a real and range of support services, that is to do something. Get involved It is almost like a microcosm of ALTERNATIVE FRESHERS’ EVENTS viable, if perhaps a slightly over-enthu- details of which can be found somewhere. Join a team, if sport’s your real life. Everyone has a job, everyone agile, more intelligent and siastic approach. “I am so drunk! So at yusu.org/welfare thing. Join the newspaper if you like has things to do. There are bars, there If you want to keep your dignity in tact during Freshers’ Week, try these are you! Let’s be best friends!” a very writing. Join the radio if you like talk- are newspapers, there are celebrities. events for an alcohol-free alternative to the Snakebite-fuelled mayhem almost definitely less possible, and common, alternative. Nightline is a confidential lis- ing. Join the Medieval Recreation There are traditions and legends. Freshers’ Comedy - the tri- James - will also be running non- Whatever you’re doing, whether tening service, you can email Society if you like wenches and have a There are successes and failures. It’s termly comedy night kicks off on alcoholic events all week, including intoxicated than you are. you’re recovering from a heavy night beard and your own axe. I cannot like a training camp for real life, Sunday October 14 with Rob movie nights and poker out with a coffee, taking out the bins or [email protected], call imagine coming to university and not Legoland for 18-24-year-olds. Deering, Stefano Paolini, Stephen They can also fly. The odds queuing for the sexual health clinic, 01904 433735 or visit them in doing something. Yes, you’re here to do your degree Grant and compere Dan Atkinson. Vanbrugh - events include a com- just talk to whoever’s near you and get Because, and it sounds blasphe- but as often as not it’s what else you do edy night on Monday, a ghost walk are stacked against you’ to know them. Goodrick D/038 mous I know, drinking can get... old that defines what you do afterwards. Alcuin - will be running both alco- on Friday and a fun day with boun- On second thoughts, you don’t YUSU-trained college reps after a little while. I know, I know, it Student politicians go into politics. holic and non-alcoholic events cy castles and bbq at The Charles, come along and just dragged him out strictly have to do that in the queue for are on hand to help you out sounds unlikely now. But it will. One of Student journalists go into journalism. every evening, starting with a in Heslington, on Saturday to meet people when he’d had the the sexual health clinic. But every- my housemates, Smally, (the name is ‘The best way to make friends Student actors go into acting, student movie night and free takeaway on chance. where else, just open up to people and and provide information ironic) is on the rugby team, and that musicians start a band, student Monday Derwent - will be hosting non- This is crucially important. they will most likely open up to you, or consumes his life. He prepares mental- is to do something. Join the Deloitte reps end up working for alcoholic events during the day and Freshers’ week is like being five again. at least tell you at length about their The University Counselling ly and physically for the matches, and Deloitte. will finish with a movie night on Halifax - there’ll be a comedy When you’re five, making friends is hangovers. Service offers group and drinks – a lot – afterwards with his Find somewhere. There are niches night on Tuesday, a Casino Night Sunday Medieval Recreation Society easy. “You live on my street! Let’s be It’s disturbing how quickly that individual sessions. Call team-mates. But it isn’t aimless drink- everywhere. You’ll definitely like one. on Thursday and England vs. best friends!” or “You have a purple changes. Everyone swiftly finds a niche ing, it is society drinking, with tactics And if not, don’t worry – you can Estonia on Saturday Langwith - Freshers’ events to 01904 432140 or email coun- if you like wenches and have include a ghost tour on Wednesday bicycle! Mine’s green! Let’s be best or two in which they are likely to spend to talk and a unity of purpose bonding always concentrate on your degree Goodricke - theatre trip on Weds and a movie night on Sunday friends!” Everything is simple. Every the rest of their university careers. It’s [email protected] the group. a beard and your own axe’ instead... M14 Freshers’ special 09/10/07

s a resident of Goodricke room, “to highlight the main features of Candles create College's infamous ‘Cell Block the room and distinguish what they can atmosphere, C’, I longed to transform my and cannot change. They can then re- while storage tiny, grey, boring room into a arrange furniture to best suit them, A boxes can also haven of artistic originality. I couldn't making the most of the space and light compete with the guy at the other end in the room.” be used as of the corridor who had Samurai In terms of making the most of chairs for your swords and other weaponry dotted space, one of the best things you can do friends. Photos: around his room. However, with a bit is to put a stand-alone mirror against a Rachel of money from my food fund and a few wall to give the room an illusion of trips around York’s various charity space, and create depth. Also, try to Holloway shops, I endeavoured to individualise avoid using a lot of detailed patterns, my room, making the most of what lit- such as flowers, stripes and polka dots, tle, admittedly grimy, space I had. as they tend to be overwhelming. It is The first, most important piece of probably easier and cheaper to buy advice I can give to freshers in a similar plain items and then customise them situation is that, if you want your room yourself. Not only is plain wood less expensive than other materials, but it also gives you the freedom to be cre- ative; you could try painting, stencilling or even sticking on beads to get the look you’re going for. Pimp If you don’t fancy Ikea, second- hand and junk shops could be what you are looking for. Buy cheap but interest- ing furniture and then sand it down so it’s ready for you to repaint, giving it a your contemporary finish. Steve also gave me tips on how to create cheap wall-hangings: “Just go to any fabric or wallpaper shop and room choose a selection of samples. Fabric Gallery and Interiors in Dunnington specialises in curtain and upholstery Anjli Raval offers some fabric as well as wallpaper. They have a collection of about 5000 different mod- ern and more tradtional fabrics in a tips on how to brighten range of prints and colours. You can then buy some cheap artist’s frames up your new home from places such as The Range, in Monks Cross, to which you can glue or not to be messy but neat and clutter staple the fabric or wallpaper. It's that free, get some boxes. Investing in a few easy!” storage boxes is a must; they can hold You can save on expensive wall your bare essentials, and then be easily decor by going through magazines and slipped underneath your bed or some- cutting out images which you can then where else out of the way. You can also go on to frame. I used the large notice- cover them with fabric, if you like, and board already on my wall to pin up pho- convert them into a bedside table or a tographs, postcards and ticket stubs, stool for when your friends come adding to it as the year went on, and round. You don't want big, bulky fur- ultimately creating a personalised mon- nishings in your student abode, as they tage. The poster sales on campus are always good, and keep an eye out for ‘Keep an eye out for freebies at freebies at Freshers’ Fair as well as on your days out; you'll be surprised how Freshers’ Fair as well as on your many stylish things you can pick up if you look out for them. I converted three days out. You'll be surprised at patterned canvas bags, which I got free with a drink, into cushions by stuffing how many stylish things you can the bags and then cutting the straps so that I could use them as ties. If you are pick up if you look out for them’ not feeling very creative, Dunelm in Clifton Moor is great for cushions, fab- rics and table lamps. can suffocate a little room, so multi- I found lighting to be a problem in purpose items like box-stools are ideal. my student room, so table lamps and Second tip: adding colour to the more decorative forms of lighting, such room is vital. The drab shade of paint as lava lamps, can brighten up a room on your walls and the dreary, bog-stan- instantly. If Ikea or B&Q don't do the dard fittings can’t, unfortunately, be trick, Blossom and Walker on Lord changed. For this reason, choosing Mayor's Walk provides some unusual accessories in a combination of neutral accessories and lighting to jazz up any shades and stronger, more vibrant room. Mood lighting can be created by colours is vital and can completely using uplights and lampshades, as they change the mood of a room. From bed produce different dark and light areas linen, fairy lights and throws to rugs to replace the uniform light that comes and cushions, the options are endless - from the typical centre lightbulb in the just but be careful not to over-decorate. middle of the ceiling. For high quality If you feel that you don’t have an eye for items at cheaper prices, TK Maxx colour, ask one of your friends to help. updates its collection regularly and is Steve Whitt, from York-based good for items such as lamps, bed linen interior design company Art from the and cushions. Start, gave me a few ideas about how Lastly, if your room is lucky new students moving into their halls of enough to get a lot of natural light, residence can do the place up. “You flowers and plants make your place feel don’t want to pack your room with lots really lived in. There are sales on cam- of things that look good on their own pus where you can buy cheap plants, but look a mess when they’re all togeth- and a number of florists off campus, er,” he explains. “You have to look at the such as Patricia May on Melrosegate. bigger picture.” He suggests that fresh- Whatever your taste, there’s no need to ers start by drawing a sketch of their settle for a prison cell. 09/10/07 Lifestyle M15 To be single, or not to be: that is the question

Coming to university in a There’s fun to be had on the relationship is hard, says Sam fresher dating scene - just be Noble, but for some Harry careful who you wake up and Sallys it can work with, warns Sarah Foster

rriving at university ‘YOU KISSED WHO?!?’. If you are recently visited my cousin who is It does get easier. It footloose and fancy regretting a saliva swap, it really is the getting married in December. His helps if you can estab- free, I was certain it last thing that you want in the morning house was filled with pictures of lish a routine of phone A would be a whirl- – and certainly not when you’re also Idresses, flowers, cakes, ornate calls, and get stuck wind of sex, nursing a hangover from hell. invitations and various other parapher- in with new friends drugs and Of course, regrettable hook-ups nalia. Saddled between a bunch of red instead of wallow- rock ‘n’ roll. Of are sort of what Freshers’ Week, if not roses and a pile of top hats was a thick ing in misery. course, I was the whole of the first term, is for. I hardback book titled How To Do Just Remember: what- mainly basing this know that almost all the people who I About Anything. On opening it, I dis- ever anyone tells assumption on now do my very best to avoid on cam- covered that it contained illuminating you, taking yourself Animal House. I pus are all casualties of that fateful first entries such as ‘How To Boil An Egg’, like a lamb to the was somewhat less term; that period when you realise that and more emotive ones such as ‘How slaughter into than impressed not only are you living on your own for To Deal With A Break-Up’ and ‘How To Ziggy’s is not with the real- the first time, but you are also living Survive A Long-Distance Relationship’. essential to the ity. with members of the opposite sex. And The latter two are evidently not an university experi- While my yes, there is also the amount of alcohol issue for my cousin, who has a fiancee ence. Freshers’ Week natu- consumed to take into account. who supplies perfectly-made cups of Of course, rally involved copious Not all romances need end up as tea and evenly-buttered toast. They surviving the long- amounts of alcohol, shameful inebriated memory blurs, are, however, pertinent issues for fresh- term relationship even that was not however. While most of my first year at ers up and down the land. is different for enough to prevent York was spent lamenting the apparent The book rates the difficulty of every Harry and the realisation that lack of attractive men in the whole of each entry with little blue hammers; Sally. I heartily the most convenient the North Yorkshire region, it must boiling an egg gets one, and the long- congratulate and dating pool available to also be noted that these complaints term relationship gets the maximum: respect anyone me, the boys in my were punctuated with dalliances with five. As the book acknowledges, there is who can survive block, really wasn’t not entirely unattractive boys. You are no way of avoiding the fact that long- three years or so likely to offer up the unlikely to find the love of your life in term relationships are extremely of university goods. Ziggy’s - although there are those odd tough. The most obvious cause of stress with their Despite my couples who seem perfect for each is not being around your loved one for h o m e t o w n friends and I deciding other. Instead, from personal experi- long periods of time. You miss the daily sweetheart. I that none of the peo- ence, I would suggest two places routine, someone being nice to you for also truly sym- ple we lived with which, to me, were a beacon of joy in no reason, sex on tap and someone who pathise with possessed any the desolate ocean of fresher dating. understands your idiosyncrasies when anyone whose potential as life Firstly, look at the other people on - as happens during Freshers’ Week - relationship dis- partners, many of your course. There is nothing more you are surrounded by people who you solves. My friends us were still romantic than late-night study ses- have only just met. They don’t under- who have split up tempted by alco- sions in the library, and there is a mine stand your crazy hair-do, your love for with their signifi- hol and morbid of possible conversation topics, start- the Klaxons, your mannerisms, and so cant others have curiosity. One ing with your new lecturers. on. Most people I know who bravely done so for myriad problem: whilst Unfortunately, if you happen to be, as I undertook the long-distance relation- reasons, from: “I half-hearted, was, a female English student, or a ship will nod sagely at the mention of want to notch that h a l f - c o n - male Computer Scientist, than the gen- the difficult first week, the nights spent bedpost with nubile scious hook- der ratio is not really in your favour pining after their darling, whilst every- first years,” to “we’ve ups are part (although if you happen to be one of one else on their corridor was out just grown apart,” to of any decent the few boys studying a subject with a drinking themselves into oblivion. those three glorious u n i v e r s i t y high percentage of females, or vice- Having also come to university with a words: “I was drunk!” experience, the versa, you might suddenly find yourself hometown sweetheart, I can identify. There is no easy thrill of a one in high demand). The first term is the clincher for answer to whether one night stand is My second tip would be societies. long-distancers. To establish a relation- should attempt the long- greatly reduced They exist to enable like-minded peo- ship where both your emotional and distance relationship. when you have to ple to meet up and bond over things, physical needs are sated in spite of your University life acts as a catalyst share a bathroom which, with a little work, can be taken boy- or girlfriend being hundreds of for change; either strengthen- with your fling for the to a whole new level, if you know what miles away from you is tricky to the ing a pre-existing relationship rest of the year. I mean. point of being almost impossible. Most or breaking it, and enabling If indulging in There are also those unions I people become a dribbling mess, you to concentrate on a new activity that you think you would recommend staying away from. espousing romance to anyone who will and exciting chapter in your might regret in the morn- Block incest is one thing, but if you’re listen in order to justify to themselves, life. Either way, in my cousin’s ing, it is best to try and do it going to throw randy STYCs into the as much as to others, that it is really book, ‘How To Climb with someone that you will equation, things are bound to get com- worth it. They tend to either nostalgi- Mount Everest’ never, ever see again. For plicated. I would recommend that you cally cling onto Danny-and-Sandy- also gets five ham- one thing, the rest of your do not go there. Sleeping with people style memories, or defer the heartache mers on the difficul- housemates proba- who have volunteered to act as older of missing someone by reassuring ty rating. So congratulate bly won’t know siblings to you brings up an odd ethical themselves that they’ll be together in yourself, now who they are, so question, and there are plenty of the end, strolling hand-in-hand into a you can proba- you won’t be STYCs whose only aim is to ‘check out glorious sunset with their very own bly climb a very forced to sit the new talent’. Freshers beware; you happy ending. big mountain. through squawks of have been warned. M16 Agony Uncle 09/10/07 UncleMatthew He would care, but he just doesn’t want to...

Dear Uncle Matthew, Dear Uncle Matthew, Dear Uncle Matthew, I am a postgraduate student, entering my thir- I am hoping you will be able to shed some light One has recently arrived in old Ebor from Pater's teenth consecutive year of university study. Much on a situation which baffles me. My relationship manse in Bucks. Frankly, one is appalled by the as I would like to 'fuck a fresher', experience sug- with my girlfriend ended recently, after she hideous architecture, the hideous poverty and gests this is a remote prospect. I don't want to decided to take a vow of celibacy on the advice of the hideous women. I was unaware of all these sacrifice my leather elbow patches, beard or a local church group. Naturally I was upset, but I issues before I arrived, as I had never enter- incessant low muttering; what other techniques respected her decision and did my best to move tained the possibility that my Oxford application could I apply to these nubile lovelies whom I see on. However, since then, she has requested to would fail, let alone my applications to Durham, every year, but never get close enough to touch? meet me on several occasions, only to initiate Exeter or Bath. So now I find myself studying And will loudly saying 'That's what I love about passionate bouts of love-making. What confuses Sociology in York, an application which old these fresher girls; I get older, they stay the same me is that she still refuses to countenance the Tristram 'Bugger' Cooper-Smythe had made for age' in V Bar ever get me laid? idea of renouncing her vow: she insists that the me in the dorm as some kind of joke, the cad. Do only way we can sleep together regularly is by I really need to mix with the poor, the fat and the Frustrated, Wentworth getting married. I feel too young to propose, but I Sociologists? Or is there a way in which one can find it impossible reject her advances. Can you sidestep these dregs of society and ensure one's ...... fathom her behaviour? associates are solely those of, shall we say, some breeding? Dear Frustrated, Perplexed, Derwent When faced with repeated failure, Perturbed, Alcuin it is easy to get discouraged...... Perhaps you are hoping for too much, too fast and would benefit Dear Perplexed, Dear Perturbed, from taking things more slowly. Why not stop trying to get so close I suggest you stop trying to analyse your ex-girlfriend's It is a sad fact of today's society that where once your wealth to these timid young ladies so intentions and now focus on what you want yourself. That and family connections might have ensured a justly com- soon, and instead keep a discreet you should want regular sexual contact is both understand- fortable career, intelligence and aptitude now seem to hold distance? Modern camera lenses able and normal, yet I can also see that you don't feel able sway over many employers. In the name of research, I advise have incredible zoom ranges, and pic- to abandon her. My suggestion is simple: don't. Although you to get out and fully immerse yourself in York’s architec- ture quality is always improv- she may be unwilling to sleep with you as often as you like, ture, poverty and women. Getting a stitch-by-stitch view of ing. What better way to get to there is no reason why you couldn't find somebody else with life's rich tapestry will make you an even more appealing know somebody than by tak- whom to make up the deficit, whilst continuing to enjoy prospect than you already seem from your letter. Who ing an interest in every aspect your occasional trysts. All that is required is some discre- knows, you may enjoy yourself so much, you might want to of their lives, without the embar- tion on your part. I feel sure this is the best course of send Mr Cooper-Smythe a case or two of claret by way of rassment of asking directly? action. As for plumbing her depths, I’ll leave that to you. thanks.

Yours priapically, Yours in mistress, Yours upper-crustily,

Uncle Matthew Uncle Matthew Uncle Matthew www.NOUSE.co.uk Check out the Nouse website, with: Podcasts - Get your Nouse fix aurally with news, Muse and music podcasts, including additional content Exclusive content - extra features, interviews and news Debate - Let us know what you think about the stories we run and the issues we cover. Pictures - All the pictures from news, features and sport Nominated for Gruaniad Student Media Awards 2007 Best Website 09/10/07 Satire M17 NickyWoolf Freshers? Nuts, all of ’em FILLING IN THE GAPS The scene opens on a There follows a lot of workhouse. Freshers, singing. arrayed at bare benches Meanwhile, in the into Gallery without swaying more than days. Perhaps they just like reading around bare tables, are rafters of the Holiday Inn, Freshers’ fury a little but and having a dance-off with about themselves in these hallowed orphans, left without home the lovable rogue Joey a complete stranger and losing and pages. Perhaps they’re all just really or loved-ones by the "Fagin" Ellis is teaching Professor Cantor made a big mistake; it banging your head on the toilet wall stupid. accommodation crisis. her merry band of would be calmer in Iraq than here. A while trying to retrieve the shot glass Either way, when they stop, we’ll Coming as they do from Langwith freshers how to plague has descended upon this place. that you stole but that rolled out of your stop. So for God’s sake stop. the unfinished slums of pickpocket from wealthy There are hundreds, nay, thousands of pocket into the next door cubicle and Donald Barron or Barbara Alcuin students. freaky little fresher-things running instead of going into that cubicle to Scott courts, any roof over This also, for some around messing up the place with their retrieve it you try to go underneath the Like a fit duck in the wind their heads is a luxury. reason, happens through parents and their trolleys of luggage partitioning wall so that when a group But their lives are the medium of song. “You and their beer packets and their vodka of girls come in - because it’s the girls He was a wonderful and warm duck. miserable in the work- gotta pick a pocket or two”, cans and their condom bottles and toilets, of course - they find you stuck Though his own life was often sadly house, slaving away mak- she trills, deftly lifting a whatnot and so on and so forth, all halfway between two cubicles with a touched by tragedy, he touched the lives ing Fruit of the Loom T- Rolls-Royce Silver Shadow wandering around drunk, looking for bruise on your forehead, fast asleep... of so many others at York – and shirts, their backs raw from the pocket of Arthur somewhere to live. We’re too old for those sorts of throughout the world – with joy and from whipping, out of hun- Sockington-Pissfiddle of What a mess. Throwing up in the shenanigens now. with comfort. dreds of tiny threads of Alcuin A-block. bins and making noise. Thank God for that. How many times shall we remem- human dignity. Oliver, sold by the God, I wish I was young again ber him, in how many different ways, The foreman is feed- foreman for the indignity though. Us second-years have to be with the geese, the swans, with freshers, ing the freshers their daily of asking for seconds, has more grown-up about things now. We The actual last word on it with the hung-over, when, with just a Roger Kirk slop with an been bought by the benev- can’t get away with drinking a bottle- look or a gesture that spoke so much enormous wooden spoon. olent millionairs Grace and-three-quarters of Sambuca and Fruit of the loom. Fruit of the sodding more than words, he would reveal to all One of them, a particularly Fletcher-Warbucks (bug- running around for fifteen minutes try- Loom. For those freshers for whom this of us the depth of his compassion and fresh-faced young orphan ger, that’s a different musi- ing to meet as many new people as pos- is the first edition of Nouse they’ve ever his avianity. History student by the cal), and is passing the sible whose names you never remember read, we run a story on Fruit of the How difficult things were for him name of Oliver, is not sated time in his new home by before vomiting violently off the middle Loom every single month. from time to time, surely we can only by his meagre portion of singing a lot about the of Goodricke bridge onto a rugby play- And why? Because no matter what guess at - but the people everywhere, gruel. Trembling yet coura- morning and flowers. er whose name you don’t remember we, the environment guys, the ethics not just here at York but everywhere, geous, holding his bowl After that it becomes and never will who is swimming naked guys or the poor downtrodden workers they kept faith with Fit Duck, they liked and his Mad card in his obvious that I don’t know underneath in the vain hope of, and I themselves say, the YUSU sabbs seem him, they loved him, they regarded him trembling fingers, he enough about the story of quote, “bumming a duck”. We can no to enjoy bathing luxuriantly in the as one of the people. He was the peo- approaches the foreman. Oliver. I was honestly longer hold down 54 shots of foul sweat of starving exploited children. ple’s duck, and that is how he will stay, "Please sir," he says, his about six last time I saw archers, vodka, orange juice and white Why this might be, I do not know. how he will remain in our hearts and in voice barely a whisper, the musical. I don’t think wine and still be stable enough to get Perhaps immorality is stylish these our memories forever. "Can I have some more?" I’ve even read the book. Moment of Zen Gingerly dipping a toe into the mysterious, algae-covered lagoon of current affairs

Freshers’ Week is a time for dis- We hear that on a YUSU sabbs York building works have covery, but one unlucky arrival bonding/drinking weekend, caused a great deal of inconven- discovered slightly more than Welfare Officer and campus ience, not least to Professor he would have liked when his celebrity Grace Fletcher-Hall Ron Weir, popular Derwent mother took full advantage of vomited neatly into the lap of Provost, whose house was left Halifax College’s generous offer fellow sabb Matt Burton. When without running water. It’s not of free condoms. Moment of asked why, she answered funny, actually. It was probably Zen feels that this is definitely a “because he was the only per- quite unpleasant for the poor student welfare issue. son in sight.” Fair enough. man.

Former YUSU President Rich It is often said that rats flee a Croker has snubbed Derwent sinking ship, and Adam Thorn College to retire to a cushy flat is no exception. Sources close to in Fairfax House. He will get a the enigmatic York Vision edi- continental breakfast delivered tor tell Moment of Zen that each morning. When asked Thorn is seeking new career why, he replied: “Because I will online. We don’t personally fre- get a continental breakfast quent that sort of site, but delivered each morning.” there’s no accounting for taste.

In reponse to York Vision’s Formal dress code is in strict If you have any juicy tidbits or imminent staff crisis, bosses force in the Union building. gossip to share, have initiated a breeding pro- Sam Bayley and Matt Burton send them to: gram. Johnathan Isaby, an ex- are behind a professionalism Vision jounalist, has been drive. All sabbs now have alu- brought in to increase the dwin- minium name-tags and labelled dling gene pool. Scientists hope desks. Accusations that YUSU that the program will stave off is turning into a branch of [email protected] extinction. Dixons have gone unanswered. M18 Arts 09/10/07 ArtsReviews

BOOK:THE BOOK OF LOST THINGS On the Arts Trail: Amy Milka discovers York’s cultural underbelly AUTHOR: JOHN CONNOLLY irst impressions aren’t haven after the bustle of the city PUBLISHER: HODDER always right. For some centre, the gallery features a num- PRICE: £6.99 freshers, York may seem a ber of semi-permanent exhibits in little twee. Initially, I too addition to a variety of visiting : F REVIEW STEVEN WARD became frustrated by the constant collections. Recent highlights ✪✪✩✩✩ flow of tourists riding open-top have included a selection of buses in the freezing cold, taking Japanese paintings and ceramics; Consumed by grief following the death photos of completely spurious ‘Relationships’, an exploration of of his mother and his father’s remar- buildings and clogging up the mixed media in modern art; and riage, twelve-year-old David seeks Shambles. I’ve often heard those the tantalisingly titled ‘Mad Man refuge in fairytales. Soon myths begin who are used to the hustle and in the Minster’ exhibition of to merge with reality, transporting him bustle of big city life call York “too paintings and sketches. From to a world of fiction. Believing his small”. However, behind the October 6, just in time for the new mother to be trapped somewhere in facade of Betty’s and the unmis- term, the gallery will play host to this new world, David sets off to rescue takable musk of the Yorvik Viking an exhibition of Tracey Emin’s her, negotiating the dangerous and Centre lies a city alive with cul- work, and a collection entitled haunting landscape of the fables. ture, waiting to be discovered. ‘Marking Time’, comprising pic- The novel suffers from an identity York was traditionally tures of York from sunrise to sun- crisis. As a children’s story book it could England’s second city, acting as an set. function reasonably well. However, the administrative centre for the Having whet your appetite graphic depictions of murder, alongside unruly North. The courts of for culture, and maybe a little the rather contrived and none-so subtle London were replicated here to lunch, why not head back into the tackling of ‘adult issues’, mean that this enforce the King’s Law, and York city centre to VJ’s Art Bar, where perhaps wouldn’t be on the Puffin was also the headquarters for the colourful modern works on York Art Gallery is a soothing respite from the city bustle ‘Must-Read’ list for under-tens. The many trades and crafts. The the walls are all for sale, and the idea of adapting fairytales for an adult Merchant Adventurer’s Hall, for alley outside is illuminated at has secured a spot on the touring York, why not take some time to audience is certainly an interesting one, example, is one of the oldest night by projections from local circuit of many popular musicals explore what the city has to offer? but Connolly lacks the vision and lin- buildings in the city, built before contributors. (Chicago was a recent highlight), A walk around the walls is a great guistic talent of Angela Carter to pull it 1361. Before you leave, you’ll Near the Minster, on and also offering opera and ballet from way to see the city from a new per- off. probably have an opportunity to around High Petergate, lie a num- both nationally renowned and spective, just make sure it’s a nice There are moments of true attend a college or society ball in ber of smaller arts and crafts local companies. day. Wander in the Museum humour, such as the re-imagining of this historic place. In much of the shops, topped off by the student’s The City Screen in the town Gardens, or the grounds of the Snow White as a tyrannical obese spin- city, beautiful Tudor buildings are choice, Shared Earth. Here you centre acts as far more than just a Minster where, during the sum- ster, when the adventurous spirit of the still very much in use as restau- can pick up fair trade jewellery, cinema, playing host to the weekly mer months, you can see open-air novel actually shines through, though rants and shops, which creates a ornaments, and pretty much any- gathering of the Other Side productions of Shakespeare or these are seldom. All in all, a rather feeling of being steeped in history. thing else at a reasonable price. A Comedy Club, where up and com- Wilde. Certainly, as a new arrival confused affair, although weighing in at A fact to impress your new house- few hours can also be well spent in ing comedians try out their mate- you will want to see inside the over 500 pages, it does make a handy mates: Whip-ma-whop-ma Gate the Castle Museum, where an rial every Sunday. The cinema also Minster, which has become some- doorstop. (next to the Shambles) is so called entire Victorian street has been regularly shows classic films as thing of a tourist trap in recent because it used to be the site of a recreated. well as some edgy, arthouse flicks. years with the introduction of whipping post where criminals If you enjoy treasure hunting, Alternatively, one of the best turnstiles and a large entrance fee. BOOK: THE SECRET HISTORY were flogged. You can almost feel York offers a large number of value choices is York Theatre But there are many experiences AUTHOR: DONNA TARTT the onomatopoeia. antique shops, but undoubtedly Royal, which offers a student con- that won’t cost a penny. The Art But on to York today. Arts the most interesting is the Banana cession at £3.50 for the majority Gallery is always free, and the city PUBLISHER: PENGUIN enthusiasts, or anyone wishing to Warehouse on Piccadilly. of its performances, making it a hosts several festivals per year, PRICE: £7.99 inject a little culture into their Amongst the plastic ‘80s junk and lot cheaper than a night at the cin- packing the streets with markets REVIEW: HELEN CITRON lives, will be spoilt for choice. Next old work-out videos, great pieces ema. The theatre has forged links and street performers. to the historic King’s Manor (the of furniture, old books and trin- with many local amteur and youth And finally, remember, you ✪✪✪✪✩ University’s centre for Medieval kets can be found on the cheap. groups, offering a wide variety of don’t have to be a History of Art Studies, which often fea- As evening draws in, the arts music, dance and plays in addition student or know about Brecht to The Secret History charts the ‘fresh- tures its own exhibitions) fan has a choice of venues at their to the professional productions. enjoy the art gallery or the theatre man’ year of Richard Papen, a small- is York Art Gallery. A quiet disposal. The Grand Opera House So in your first few weeks at once in a while. town scholarship boy at an exclusive New England college called Hampton. Sex, alcohol and drugs are all features of his first year. However, these typical WHAT’S ON Week 7, 23 - 26 November temptations are merely the background Drama Barn: Other Side Comedy Club to something far more sinister. Richard Tickets £3 for Friday and Saturday Arsenic and Old Lace Every Sunday, held at the City Screen Basement becomes part of an elite group of matinees, otherwise £3.50 for by Joseph Kesselring Bar on Coney Street. Tickets £7/8, can be Ancient Greek enthusiasts and discov- members, £4.50 for non-mem- booked in advance from 08707 583219 bers, available from Vanbrugh Week 8, 1 - 3 December ers that their passion for the classical Steve Hughes, Roger Monkhouse and Silky Stalls Wednesday-Friday 12-2pm and The Trial world extends dangerously far beyond October 14 the classroom. At York, student parties on the door. Performances start at by Stephen tend to constitute a good old piss-up 7:30pm, with 2:30pm matinees Berkoff with nothing more serious to show for it Andre Vincent, Martin Davis and Matt Read Week 3, 26 - 28 October October 21 than a complaint from the Badger Hill Week 9, 8 - 10 December Love and Action Group. At Hampton, Richard The Ash Grove discovers that, having reached the sum- Understanding Theatre Royal: by Nikolaus Morris Located at St. Leonard’s Place. Tickets £5-£18, mit of classical knowledge, his fellow by Joe Penhall available from www.yorktheatreroyal.co.uk, by students have attempted to recreate a calling 01904 623568 or texting BOOKING to bacchanal, resulting in the mutilation Grand Opera House: Week 4, 3 - 5 November Tickets £11-20, available from 07751 73865 and following the instructions and murder of a local man. Wake Up Call www.grandoperahouseyork.org.uk Tartt carefully and slowly crafts her by Rasheeda Nalumoso Pinocchio characters, each of whom stands out Alan Carr October 19-27 distinctly. Their quirks, weaknesses and Week 5, 10 - 12 November October 12-13 short-comings slowly become apparent, The Barnarama Hugh The Drover and as the group becomes increasingly Frank Skinner Opera embroiled in guilt and intrigue the rela- October 14 October 9-13 tionships between its members become Week 6, 17 - 19 November Two Limbo ominously fraught. The Secret History The Nutcracker may be bleak but it is also brilliantly by Jim Cartwright October 12 - November 3 October 22 written and totally addictive. 09/10/07 Arts M19 TheatrePreviews Andy Birnie gives an insider’s introduction to York’s prolific Drama Society

ork DramaSoc is one of the have it and use it to the full! an unauditioned play. Anyone can be largest and most active soci- Getting involved in the society is involved in this, in pretty much any eties at the University, with really very simple. You do need to be a capacity. A team of student playwrights Yover 400 members. We are an paid member in order to perform in the are currently writing a number of short incredibly prolific society and our out- barn for insurance reasons, but mem- pieces based around the theme of Greek put is one of the highest of any drama bership for the year is a mere £6, and Myths, and these will be open to anyone society in the country. We produce one this allows you to be involved in any who wants to get a taste for acting, major production a week during term productions for the year, and also gets directing, production, teching, stage time, as well as numerous smaller proj- you a quid off any ticket prices, so even managing or anything else without ects, such as weekly Open Drama if you aren't a performer it is well worth being involved in a major production Nights which anyone can turn up and joining if you intend to see a few plays straight away. There are also two stu- join in with for free, and also frequent throughout the year. You don't need to dent-written plays being performed this outreach opportunities such as work- be a member to audition, auditions are term. Dramasoc strives to provide ing in schools or prisons (although not open to all, but should you be successful opportunities for student playwrights, together, obviously). The standard of you will need to be a member to per- and frequently stages new writing by our productions is generally very high, form. students. but don't be put off, there are opportu- The main way to get involved in If you want to stage a production nities for enthusiastic people of all lev- the society is to audition. There will be yourself, things are very straightfor- els of experience. auditions for the autumn term produc- ward. You can apply with classic materi- Most of our productions take place tions in Week 2, for plays taking place al or with original work, which will be in our very own venue, a small black in Weeks 6, 7, 8 and 9. I strongly considered without regard to the age or box studio theatre known affectionate- encourage anyone interested to audi- teching and backstage work, produc- Last term’s experience of the writer. Once you’ve ly as the Drama Barn, located near tion, it is a wonderful way to get to tion and directing. The society is production of decided to stage a production, all you Vanbrugh college (making Vanbrugh know people even if you aren't immedi- entirely run by students, from the most The Cut by Mark need to do is find a producer and apply bar the unofficial DramaSoc HQ). The ately successful. There is often a lot of prolific director to the most humble Ravenhill for a production slot. Information about barn is admittedly quite small, but competition, and the key thing in audi- spear-carrying stage hand, everyone is when and how to apply will be provided extremely versatile and is frequently tioning is enthusiasm and persever- important! via email and on our website later in the used to great effect by many innovative ance. If you don't get cast in your first One project happening this term, term. Although DramaSoc is sometimes student directors. It is pretty rare for a term, please don't give up! There are that maybe needs a little more explana- seen as daunting and scary, we’re a wel- university drama society to have a also numerous opportunities to be tion than the rest, is the Barnarama. coming society and hope to see as many venue of their own, we are very lucky to involved other than acting, including This is a new project, and is essentially new faces involved this year as possible!

SOCIETY: PANTSOC SOCIETY:THE CENTRAL HALL MUSICAL SOCIETY: FUSION 2008 PRODUCTION: PETER PAN PRODUCTION: SWEET CHARITY VENUE: CENTRAL HALL PREVIEW: AMY MILKA PREVIEW: AMY SCOTT PREVIEW: AMY SCOTT

Contrary to popular belief, This year, following the Following last year's hit per- pal roles and chorus roles, so Fusion is an annual charity Fusion 2008 will be Pantsoc is not a society dedi- resounding triumph of last formance of West Side Story, whatever level of involve- event run by the University held on February 29 and cated to pants. As director year’s Robbin’ Hood, Pantsoc the Central Hall Musical ment you're after, there of York. Only in its fourth March 1 in Central Hall. William Seaward explains; will be presenting The Peter Society have announced might just be a place for you. year, Fusion chair Amy Auditions for models and “We’ve got nothing against Pan…tomime!, featuring, their next production, Slater also has another Browne describes it as “ the- dancers will be held on pants. Probably there should among other increasingly which will be the hit project up his sleeve: “To most prestigious event on Saturday and Sunday of be a pants society, but we’re bizzarre excitements, a Broadway show Sweet raise money for the produc- campus. Fusion strives to Week 4 (November 3 and 4) not it.” Instead, Pantsoc per- Captain Hook who sells Charity, to be performed in tion and to allow for poten- achieve a perfect blend of in Langwith Hall. form a student Pantomime dodgy videos (‘a video pirate, Week 5 of the Spring term. tial stars of the show to meet dance, music and fashion The first fundraising every January in Central you see’), a spaced out Director Michael Slater each other, we will be hold- through fundraising events event planned for this year is Hall. Tinkerbell dealing ‘fairy explains; “The Central Hall ing a 48-hour musical where throughout the academic on Monday Week 3 in Vudu When asked to describe dust’, and what promises to Musical Society has always we only rehearse for the 48 year, culminating in a spec- Lounge, in the city centre. the society’s purpose Seward be a breathtaking sequence been led by a strong and pas- hours prior to the perform- tacular two-night perform- Theme: 'Film Stars and is not short on inspiration. in Ziggy’s nightclub. sionate group of artistic and ances! To get involved all ance viewed live by more Fashion Icons'. The first of “Pantomime is one of last Look out for auditions technical students, and this you need to do is turn up on than 2000 of the student Fusion’s charities this year great, mighty bastions of in Week 2 of this term if you year is no exception. We Saturday October 20 (end of population.” will be the children’s charity comedic genius in this oh-so- want to perform, and the want as many people as pos- Week 2) in the Drama Barn The society and produc- SNAPPY, who work with serious world. A refuge and society is also looking for sible to be involved in what (near the music depart- tion is based on urban cul- children with special needs ark for all that's good and assistant directors, produc- promises to be the highlight ment).” ture and Browne hopes to in Yorkshire. magical; a great twinkly bea- ers, techies, backstage hands, of the student calendar, More detailed informa- “incorporate a multiplicity of Browne says: “Whether con of fantastitude shining costume designers, set resulting in an unforgettable tion on all things Sweet university societies and you’re interested in dancing, merrily through the thick builders, and everything else. experience for all.” Charity can be found on the external companies, which DJing, designing, urban smog of misery and cyni- Email socs418 for details, or Auditions for Sweet website www.sweetcharityy- will all work together to music or fashion, check us cism, a great safe-house of just look out for the posters. Charity will be held through- ork.co.uk and the society will achieve the ultimate goal of out on one of our Facebook Christmassy goodness where As Seward concludes; out Week 3. All are welcome be at the fresher's fair on raising as much money as groups or simply join us at nowt is sacred.” ‘Pantomime or death!’. to audition for both princi- Saturday of Week 1. possible for charity.” our first exciting event!” M20 Previews 09/10/07 MusicPreviews

SHOW: IRON & WINE SHOW:TUNNG SAM VENUE: MANCHESTER ACADEMY 2 VENUE: BRUDNELL SOCIAL CLUB, NOBLE PREVIEW: STEPHEN MITCHELL LEEDS DATE:26/10/07 PREVIEW: BEN RACKSTRAW The untimely demise ✪✪✪✪✪ DATE: 12/10/07 of the single? ✪✪✪✪✩ Listening to previous offerings of the bearded Sam Beam (better known in musical circles On tour with the material from their third Not that it is a surprise to you, though it may as Iron & Wine), it is clear why he has a spe- album Good Arrows, electronic-folksters be to some, but the most played single of all cial place in the hearts of alt-folk fans both Tunng will arrive at the fantastically intimate time on British radio is ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ sides of the pond. In essence, the man writes Brudenell Social Club on Thursday. With gigs by Queen. A six minute slab of prog-rock, simple but beautiful songs, set to unbearably reportedly more like communal music ses- with twinkling pianos, introspective lyrics, pretty fingerpicked guitar and sung with a sions than concerts this promises to provide head-banging guitar, gongs and vocals laden voice as soft as a multi-generational an evening out to warm the soul. The reputa- with three-part harmonies, which owe more American patchwork quilt. And Zach Braff is tion for inclusive gigging is perhaps a result to Opera than they do to mid-‘70s guitar a fan, I’ve heard, and that always helps. of the band’s genesis; back in 2003 Tunng noodling. There’s no point disputing the Nevertheless, no number of celebrity was made up of only two members, singer- majesty and pomp of our affective national endorsements can do justice to Beam’s emo- songwriter Sam Genders and electronica anthem, which has been Christmas number tionally resonant lo-fi creations. His bare, artist Mike Lindsay, but it quickly swelled to one twice (1975 and 1991), selling an steel-stringed arpeggios are used as a perfect Sam has yet another pensive moment include four more members for live perform- astounding million copies in both years. accompaniment to his lyrical obsessions: ances, who eventually became full-time Today, the chances of such a phenome- melancholia-tinged tales of love and life lost disturbing seemingly serene soundtracks members of the band. non is slimmer than a stick of Pepperami. No in the endless expanses of rural America. with grittier guitar and percussion. This is The music reflects this easy collabora- band today would seriously entertain the With both aspects of his performance shown no better than on current LP The tive spirit, where beautifully folky songs are idea of a huge hit single. As Johnny Borrell inextricably linked, it is tempting to view Shepard’s Dog, which appears to embrace a spliced by electronic stabs, or swaddled by unimaginatively sings: “There’s nothing on Beam as a mouthpiece for a place and time: more diverse, undulating alternative to the sampled clicks, whirs and slips. Running the TV, nothing on the radio that means that his music feels oddly familiar, but only in the sparse showings of earlier albums. through the core of most of their material is a much to me.” If one concedes that he might sense that it encapsulates perfectly an image, These Pitchfork-endorsed rock creden- male/female harmony that promises to be be right, the singles from recent years, which feeling, or a phrase firmly rooted in the soci- tials are enhanced further by his previous live even more prettily woozy live than it is on comprise the mainstay of popular radio, are ety in which it was produced. Much of Beam’s work, as the last time Iron & Wine graced our record. no way near as catchy or exciting as they were work seems reminiscent of the stringed sad- shores was as part of a joint tour with gothic All of this is provided in a distinctly when Radio Luxembourg floated around the ness of Nick Drake, had he grown up in a roots legends Calexico. Yet, whilst 2007 finds English package, invoking little touches like English Channel. trailer park in South Carolina rather than the Iron & Wine once more in solo territory, it is the sampled fragment of conversation on But then again, there are still sublime, Hampden Court hedge maze. clear that Beam’s balladic approach to ‘Bricks’, “I’m going to come up and put the golden nuggets of pop tickling our collective Yet, through the delicate, often fragile acoustic Americana will be presented as the kettle on while she’s doing that”, the perfect ears. I stand resolute and perhaps alone sound of Iron & Wine, there is a clear edge; a lord intended: gently whispered subtle snap- analogy for a band who are as warm as a nice when I say I bloody love ‘Shine’ by Take That tapestry of instrumentation shimmers inces- shots of god-fearing folk far removed from cuppa, but don’t fail to provide the excite- and ‘About You Now’ by Sugababes. And for santly behind many of his pastoral anecdotes, the strains and stresses of modern life. ment of musical caffeine. the indie bands that briefly stalk around the lower ends of the top forty, without single releases you don’t get the B-sides and the limited edition 7” releases which make peo- ple of my disposition go weak in the knees. ON THE UP: SIMIAN MOBILE DISCO Ben Rackstraw Some would point to downloading as By the time most of us were dance classic by the then- were trying to force something Chemical Brothers. the cause of the single’s demise. But then screaming ‘Because We. Are. unknown Justice, had already that we didn’t enjoy, it’s not a This "Englishness" is hapless JK and Joel’s singles chart takes into Your Friends’ at the top of our disintegrated. From out of the very good way to live and you arguably reflected in the tolls of account downloads. Instead, I think bands, lungs in sweaty indie rooms band’s ashes have arisen two don’t make particularly good hedonism recently suffered by their management and their labels prefer to across the land, Simian, the members, Jas Shaw and James music.” the band. Explaining the rea- promote their music with high-budget music creators of the tune before it Ford, to form the increasingly Fortunately for us, this sons behind the cancellation of videos and television commercial tie-ins. was propelled into in-demand remix and produc- meant that the boys had an a recent gig in Leeds, Ford Why? Well more money of course. a sing- tion powerhouse Simian opportunity to pursue the says: “I broke my collarbone Let’s face it - the single is an outdated, along Mobile Disco. offers coming in for SMD; being a dick. It was the last cumbersome way of releasing music. Most The duo remixes for artists as diverse as night of the tour in the US and bands of integrity shun singles and prefer began by Air, The Go! Team, Klaxons we were in San Diego. The their music to be appreciated in the context remixing and Peaches flooded in and Arctics lot were out and I was of the album it is from. Led Zeppelin refused Simian Ford produced both the playing football with them in to release singles in the 1970s and, more singles Klaxons’ debut and the Arctic the car park at four in the recently, Radiohead have had an ongoing dis- whilst Monkeys’ (more on them later) morning pissed out of my brain pute with iTunes to only release their tracks still in ‘Favourite Worst Nightmare.’ with a beer in my hand. I as an album, and not as individual tracks. the After releasing insanely tripped over my own legs, tried Perhaps the emphasis these days is more band, catchy singles, like 2006’s to save the beer and landed on on the album than the single. The Beatles’ includ- ‘Hustler’ on the super-trendy my shoulder.” first album (what was it called again?) was ing turning Kitsuné label, the duo were It seems like there can recorded into a business where it was hit sin- the Peugeot- picked up by UK label Wichita, only be more adventures like gle or bust. We have them to thank for bring- endorsed home of Bloc Party, who this to come; the pair are ing the concept of the album to life. ‘La offered them an album deal. booked to support The Klaxons Although I zealously love and cherish Breeze’ Attack Decay Sustain Release, on their imminent UK tour, albums, a part of me will pine away for the into a the long-player that followed, is who are another band who cer- instantly catchy and fun single. Can they dub one of this year’s most vital tainly look as if they know how occur when our record shops don’t stock sin- night- dance releases. It shifts from to have a good time. “Oh God” gles anymore? Will it die an undignified mare, menacing instrumentals, like groans Ford, though he appears to relish the prospect, “we death as someone’s ringtone or as an illegal complete opener ‘Sleep Deprivation’ to know them really well and we MP3 download on someone’s laptop? I hope with the more obvious party tunes like have a lot of fun together, but not, I still see the purpose of hit singles to col- wailing of a the aforementioned ‘Hustler’ they do party really hard. I lectively unite people on any dance floor. I snake and ‘It’s The Beat’ (an inspired think we’re sharing a bus too, don’t think discussing your limited edition charmer’s flute. re-imagining of rave classic so it’s going to be pretty full on. vinyl edition of ‘Kid A’ will catch on. Ford explains ‘Pump Up The Jam’ with The There won’t be any avoiding it.” Singles should be fun and also throw- that it was around Go! Team’s Ninja on vocals), away, the same impulse which makes you eat this time that and has a distinctly English To hear the rest of our interview at McDonalds. So if and when the next Simian began to fall flavour, garnering comparisons with James check out the latest ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ hits the airwaves, it apart: “We were in a with the London-based DJ edition of The Nouse Music will sparkle that bit brighter. situation where we genius of Erol Alkan or early Podcast at: www.nouse.co.uk 09/10/07 Music M21 MusicReviews

rename the Isle of Wight after himself (“It’s EVENT: BESTIVAL the Isle of Mike y’all!”), the Beastie Boys SINGLES VENUE: ISLE OF WIGHT never quite hit their gonzo hip-hop best, and, bizarrely, there was no ‘(You gotta) Fight for REVIEWS REVIEW: ROBIN SEATON your right (to party)’. Sunday headliners DATE: 07/09/07 - 09/09/07 Primal Scream’s set also looked likely to be vaguely disappointing until a clearly battered ARTIST: PRINZHORN DANCE SCHOOL ✪✪✪✪✪ Suggs wandered onstage and declared them SINGLE: YOU ARE THE SPACE INVADER “the best fucking rock ‘n’ roll band in the Bestival has successfully carved out a special world!” After his little pep-talk they nearly Despite the name, Prinzhorn Dance School niche for itself over the past few years; lived up to the hype, interspersing their early seem to have discovered the virtues of sim- halfway between a village fete and a chil- ‘90s indie rave classics from Screamadelica plicity. You’d think that music so spare it dren’s birthday party, the last festival of the with later hits such as ‘Swastika Eyes’ and sounds like some twanged rubber bands and summer isn’t called Bestival for nothing. But ‘Rocks’. a tin drum wouldn’t work - but it really does. having grown in capacity to 30,000 punters, Away from the festival’s main stage, Taking music back to its basics so you can would it be able to maintain the feel of a bou- bands such as the Bobby McGees played bit- actually hear the melodics without straining tique festival? terly twee indiepop songs about not going through fuzzy synthesisers, Prinzhorn are Easily! With giant scrabble on sticks out with Audrey Tatou, while Bishi demon- reminiscent of what the White Stripes actu- (frequently used to spell out the main stage strated amply that English ally used to excel at. band names and, mystifyingly, the phrase singer-songwriterliness, electronica and ‘QUEERS VAGINA’), a human jukebox and Indian classical music go together like pear the Isle of Wight Women’s Institute running cider and music festivals. ARTIST: THE THRILLS a tea and cake tent, the Bestival won’t be The best performance of the weekend, SINGLE: THE MIDNIGHT CHOIR anywhere near approaching ‘normal’ for however, came from The Go! Team on Friday quite some time. evening. Despite having earlier been The Thrills have jumped the sunny The headline bands aren’t really the involved in a motorway accident, they Californian ship in favour of “the worst point of festivals like this and, as if to prove showed everyone, especially the Beastie neighbourhood in all of Canada”. The reason the point, they were largely disappointing. Boys, how to get a festival crowd to the per- being they wanted a more “intimate, reflec- No matter how many times Mike D tried to fect pitch of sun-drenched euphoria. tive,” album this time. Although it lacks the grating happy go lucky, lolling-ness of ‘Big Sur,’ make no mistake, this new offering is no transition towards Elliot Smith. Unfortunately, The Thrills’ new-found Canadian introspection hasn’t prevented me from referring to them in only the vaguest platitudes: it’s quite nice, at times pretty and all around not a bad effort at all.

ARTIST: BEVERLEY KNIGHT SINGLE: QUEEN OF STARTING OVER

Beverley Knight! She’s always seemed a bit like a nice leather armchair to me, great quality but been around for a few years, becoming somewhere you sit occasionally without giving much thought to. Listening to ARTIST: ALEX CLEGG EVENT: THE GO! TEAM ARTIST: LES SAVY FAV this single is like that armchair poking you in the bum with one of its springs, letting you ALBUM: WE HAVE NOT ENJOYED VENUE: THE MANCHESTER RITZ ALBUM: LET’S STAY FRIENDS know that it is actually a very good armchair, OURSELVES REVIEW: STEVEN WILLIAMS REVIEW: OLIVER ELLIOTT thank you very much, and that maybe you should pay it a bit more attention. REVIEW: KATHRYN BROMWICH DATE: 13/09/07 DATE: OUT NOW DATE: 10/06/07 ✪✪✪✪✩ ✪✪✪✪✩ ARTIST: MARK RONSON ✪✪✪✪✩ SINGLE: VALERIE FT. AMY WINEHOUSE With its grubby glitter ball and Las Vegas It is a recurring problem with reviews of 'al- Continuing his attempt at world domination After seeing his compelling and intimate inspired styling, you’d wonder if The Go! ternative' bands that they reference a that began with being a white man making a show in York’s The Artspace last year, the few Team actually were taking to the stage selection of even obscurer bands than the successful hip hop song (2003’s ‘Ooh Wee’) but enthusiastic spectators would do well to tonight in Manchester's classiest venue. subject so that only those with an intimate and now involves remixing Bob Dylan, Mark ask themselves what has happened to the Luckily any doubt is driven from the mind as knowledge of the genre will be able to really Ronson’s ‘people’ have obviously looked at guitar-wielding and enigmatic Alex Clegg. the band soon get the audience to put the understand the review. Les Savy Fav are no the tabloid press and decided that releasing The answer is a short but seamless album spring loaded dance floor to good use. different - the band name itself seems to ooze his collaboration with the most troubled/tal- that is every bit as interesting as the show Treating genres like a Woolworth’s pick’n’mix pretension, and citing a long list of ‘90s ented female vocalist of our generation is a itself. Each song tells a short, bizarre story counter, they veer between thundering American indie and punk influences seems sound career move. Fortunately, they are not with eloquent and evocative language – “I cheerleader anthems and child-like pop only natural. wrong. Ronson has turned the Zutons’ paean never wanted to incur the wrath of the noble before throwing in a banjo-led instrumental But Les Savy Fav try harder than most to a lost love into a two-step to catch the last local villagers, to lay with you in your palace for good measure. not to be pigeon holed as just another in the remnants of nice weather. forever,” or “you feel just like a diamond in a It's a testament to songwriter Ian long line of American indie punk bands. sack.” Parton's skill that it doesn't all leave you feel- They have combined their art rock and hard Singles this week were reviewed by Sometimes the album’s recording ing a bit queasy. But marshalling sonic chaos punk backgrounds to create an album that Ben Rackstraw and Sara Sayeed sounds like it could do with a more polished into something almost song-shaped is the sounds not all too dissimilar from some of production, but the raw feel often adds con- Team's gift. the most popular current British post-punk siderable immediate impact. The use of In truth, the first few tracks challenge bands such as Bloc Party and Foals - espe- trombones in the opening songs, ‘Elephant the audience to pick the tunes out of a seem- cially in standout track 'Patty Lee'. NOUSE music God’ and ‘Watchdogs,’ is utterly arresting: its ingly impenetrable wall of instruments. But there also seems an urgent need to gospel-like power contrasts strikingly with Everything clicks into place however once experiment with different sounds, an the gentle singing and elegantly surreal the rowdy dance-rock of ‘Grip Like a Vice’ urgency expressed through the somewhat lyrics. kicks in. One of the most experimental things abrupt way some songs end, as if the band Featuring our chat with The rest of the songs are more sombre, they've done, yet still inexplicably catchy just cannot wait to play the next song. but not for this less delightful. Ranging from enough to earn the place of lead single, it's a Although this experimentation hooks the lis- Simian Mobile Disco, the Lou Reed-esque ‘Spiders and Bears’ to testament to their finest qualities; a thrilling teners, it’s in the straightforward punk of reviews of the latest the soft, retro feel of the duet in ‘Nature mind-fuck that you can't help but dance to. 'The Equestrian' and 'Raging in the Plague singles, unsigned UK Reserve,’ the album is vibrant, varied and Arguably, not much has changed since Age' that they seem most at home. hip-hop and an creative. Don’t be fooled by the gloomy- their debut, but as a live show they remain a Altogether Les Savy Fav have made a sounding title, We Have Not Enjoyed singularly fun experience. And as the lights very strong album that should have broad exciting competition Ourselves, is an exciting, promising creation come on you can almost see the glitter ball appeal to anyone who is a fan of un-preten- www.nouse.co.uk by a captivating singer-songwriter. begin to sparkle out the corner of your eye… tious indie punk rock. M22 Film 09/10/07 FilmReviews

“the worst excrements of human- DAVIDCOATES FILM: MICHAEL CLAYTON kind” in the first minute of the DIRECTOR: TONY GILROY movie, has a moral crisis, strips in STARRING: GEORGE CLOONEY front of the plaintiffs and decides he will single-handedly display the To adapt or TOM WILKINSON evils of UNorth to the world not to TILDA SWINTON instead of hiding them. adapt? Clayton is sent in to clear up REVIEW: ALBI FURLAN the situation, but after a divorce, a RUNTIME: 119 MIN failed business and years spent clearing up legal mud, he also slow- ✪✪✪✪✩ ly wakes up to the ambiguous Since Bryan Singer’s X-Men ethics of his job and the specific adaptation, the summer block- The first reaction this movie case he is trying to solve. buster has been revitalised by the inspired in me was utter, sadistic The plot is not overly compli- graphic novel. The re-birth of DC glee. “Finally,” I thought, “I can cated, though the legal language is stalwarts Batman and Superman, write a scathing, sarcastic review at times a bit too much, almost plus myriad adaptations from the for a pretentious, over-hyped making you wonder why they did- Marvel stable, have achieved con- movie that takes itself far too seri- n’t just add plain English subtitles sistent and lucrative success, ously.” to clear up simple concepts made a which, in turn, has led to a re- My final reaction was remem- little too complicated by the lingo. examination of how a blockbuster bering to breathe. After a slow start, the story rumbles is composed: look at Die Hard Michael Clayton is played by on, growing in magnitude and 4.0 for a seasoned veteran target- George Clooney (who also co-pro- reaching its peak in a conclusion ing a geekier demographic. duced the film), a behind-the- made glorious chiefly by Clooney’s The benefit is definitely scenes man working for one of acting. mutual. Graphic novels have America’s biggest law firms, clean- He and Wilkinson lift an enjoyed a boost in popularity and ing up the dirtier twists of clients’ already interesting storyline simply Tilda Swinton gives a great winter on the American East coast in quality, as a number of seri- personal lives to spare them trou- with the strength of their perform- supporting performance in the - lends itself to the darkness of the alised comics – see Peter David’s ble in courts. Basically, he is a ances. The speech Wilkinson deliv- two-faced Karen Crowder, both story, as well as supplying one mutant-noir X-Factor – are given lawyer. ers at the beginning of the movie is insecure and positively evil, moment of incredible beauty. space to stretch their creative Clayton’s colleague and old given with such vitriolic conviction depending on whether she is in Overall, the movie is a gritty, legs. In addition, previously time friend Arthur Edens (Tom it will reverberate in my mind every UNorth’s boardroom or not. And down-to-earth description of the under-appreciated works such as Wilkinson) is defending the huge time I speak to a lawyer. Clooney watch out for Austin Williams, who darker parts of the world of corpo- Alan Moore’s V for Vendetta and transnational corporation UNorth has the smoothness he so naturally plays the minor role of Clooney’s rate law. An interesting plot is Max Allan Collins’s Road to in a class lawsuit which, if won, displays in the Ocean’s series, but son, and is probably the next Haley made even stronger by the stun- Perdition, have been given due would save the face of the company adds to it other facets of both Joel Osment. Mention must be ning performances of the two main time in the spotlight. But where and bring Clayton’s and Eden’s firm strength and fragility that a man made of the soundtrack, which actors, with the twists and increas- do you draw the line? a healthy profit. But Eden, after who hates his job and wants out underlines the cold, tense moods of ing tempo bringing you closer and For every Spiderman there years of defending what he calls might display. the movie, and the setting – a chilly closer to the edge of your seat. must be a Daredevil, Catwoman, Punisher, and so on. This simply reflects the paucity of quality FILM: TWO DAYS IN PARIS CLASSIC FILM: THE TRUMAN superhero work, with the X-Men DIRECTOR: JULIE DELPY SHOW franchise retaining the bulk of the talent. The real problem is the STARRING: JULIE DELPY DIRECTOR: PETER WEIR act of adaptation itself. Look at ADAM GOLDBERG STARRING: JIM CARREY Frank Miller’s Sin City, and its prospective sequels. Where other REVIEW: JAMES PATTERSON LAURA LINNEY screen adaptations allowed for RUNTIME: 96 MIN REVIEW: COLIN BAKER artistic freedom, Sin City used the RUNTIME: 103 MINS comic book as a storyboard, ✪✪✪✪✩ boasting it as a virtue. In doing ✪✪✪✪✪ so, the original material is Julie Delpy directs and stars in reduced to a mere film compan- Two Days In Paris, an indie-budg- At once a bristling and bold media ion. Gaps previously left to the et romantic comedy about a couple critique, a vivid portrayal of the reader’s imagination by the writer returning from a holiday in Italy, need to call into question our most are filled in definitively; Hartigan stopping en route to New York for basic assumptions and a heart- is Bruce Willis, Marv is Mickey the eponymous soujourn. Marion warming coming-of-age story, Rourke. The books written since (Delpy) brings Jack (Adam Peter Weir’s The Truman Show was then have been influenced by the Goldberg) to meet her parents – met with astonishment and film as much as it was influenced played by the director’s real-life intrigue from audiences and critics by the first graphic novel. folks, Marie Pillet and Albert Delpy an uncomfortable truth. It’s a diffi- alike upon its release in 1998. tors has lost none of its power. There have long been – staying in a cramped bedsit above cult dynamic, but the movie makes Central to that brouhaha was On the contrary, aside from rumours of a film version of their flat. They see the sights, drink no apologies. the shock casting of the previously Carrey’s magnetic performance we Moore’s seminal Watchmen, with Marion’s art friends, and gen- Ultimately, Two Days In Paris hyperactive, quiff-wielding comic can appreciate the full depth of which seems now to have a cast, erally bring their relationship is a movie that rewards close atten- Jim Carrey as duped protagonist Weir’s Wisteria Lane-esque home- and a tentative release date. But crashing about their ears. tion. Much of the film’s philosophy Truman Burbank. Cherry-picked town. From numerous background there must be moderation. Some Hot on the heels of the off- is revealed in apparently flippant, from birth by a media corporation shots of posters displaying exagger- of the best work in the history of beat and brutally frank Knocked often hilarious, exchanges between and raised oblivious to the truth ated risks of travel, to television the graphic novel, like Neil Up, Two Days In Paris shows simi- the leads. In an early conversation, within a mammoth television stu- presenters emphasising the family Gaiman’s Sandman or Art lar respect for its audience, making Marion talks about how people dio, everything in Truman’s life, and impressing on the viewers the Spiegelman’s Maus, will likely space for a pair of characters who with different immune systems are from his incessantly smiley wife benefits of never leaving home, never appear on the big screen, are not superficially likeable. attracted to each other - the payoff Meryl (a top performance by Laura Truman is surrounded by a media and this is not a bad thing. The Marion is a self-doubting, neurotic comes much later when we discov- Linney on teeth-grindingly irritat- campaign determined to restrict ultimate goal for a comic book hypochondriac - as is Jack. Delpy’s er just how similar they are. ing form) down to his neighbours’ him to his idyllic prison. cannot be induction into cinema; skill comes in making them seem There is much to commend in pet Dalmatian, play a part in the Weir’s message has grown in or why bother with the comic almost incompatible; she presents the movie. Delpy shows an exciting sham, broadcast to millions of relevance over time in an age of book? Sandman is not a movie, two complex, witty, lonely people ability to deliver the unexpected - a fanatical TV viewers. increasing CCTV presence, while any more than Catcher in the Rye too scared of losing each other to stand-out scene comes as Jack gets It is testament to Carrey’s per- the ethical boundaries of reality TV is a play. The graphic novel is a even understand their mutual relationship advice from a teenage formance and Weir’s vision that, constantly shift. Meanwhile, the genre with virtually boundless attraction. They are alternately terrorist - while the action is given almost a decade on and with the story of Truman’s physical and potential, which must, eventually, charming and infuriating; Jack depth by an excellent supporting initial shock-factor of Carrey’s dra- mental struggle to accept and chal- shake off the encroaching influ- complains of migraines to avoid cast. Two Days In Paris is a sensi- matic side subsided, the tale of lenge the reality with which he has ence of cinema to be respected in spending time with her family, tive, engaging and warm comedy of Truman’s gradual realisation and been presented is an expert explo- its own right. Marion prefers to lie than confront errors that dares to be honest. attempt to overcome his semi-cap- ration of the human condition. M23 Food and Drink 09/10/07 Food&DrinkReviews three we chose actually contained no fish what- RESTAURANT: LOCH FYNE soever; my mum's potato and spinach soup was ADDRESS: WALMGATE one of the specials on offer that evening and was certainly better received than my salad of AVE. FOOD PRICE: £15.95 Islay beef, rocket and pancetta (coated in may- AVE. DRINK PRICE: £5 onnaise, making it almost impossibe to taste anything else) and my dad's very odd-looking REVIEW: LAUREN MENZIES potted brown shrimps. ✪✪✩✩✩ For main course we all chose the 'Bradan Rost', kiln-roasted salmon with a whisky and Loch Fyne prides itself on serving freshly wild mushroom sauce. At £9.95 a portion and cooked fish dishes and ever since one of the one of the cheaper fish dishes on the menu, this restaurants opened on Walmgate I have been seems a reasonable price until it becomes wanting to try it. However, lacking the neces- apparent that you have to order separate side sary funds (Loch Fyne is not somewhere that dishes at around £3.45 each. At first I thought exactly fits the average student budget) I the salmon was cooked to perfection and deli- have had to wait until quite recently when my ciously seasoned with a wonderful strong A FRESHER’S Mum and Dad visited York. flavour, but by the end of the meal I was left The first thing that strikes you about feeling overpowered by the seasoning and MINI GUIDE TO Loch Fyne is the gorgeous setting, right next wishing that more had been made of the sauce, to the river in an old building which was pre- which contained only a few slices of mush- YORK’S BARS viously the F.R. Stubbs ironmongers. While room.The salty taste left us feeling quite dehy- from the outside the glass-fronted entrance drated - perhaps a trick to persuade customers At first glance it may appear that the cob- feels imposing, the interior is tastefully deco- to spend a little more on the bottled water? bled, historic streets of York hold little more rated, keeping many of the building's original While Loch Fyne is the place to go in York than quaint tea rooms and shops selling features and creating a relaxed atmosphere for fresh fish, perhaps it is advisable to steer antiques and souvenirs (and there is nothing in which to enjoy eating. clear of the starters and choose one of the wrong with allowing your parents to think Ironically, the best starter out of the plainer main courses. that this is the case), but York boasts a wide variety of bars and pubs catering to the stu- dent budget. From sixteenth-century haunt- RESTAURANT: ALLEY CATS RESTAURANT: BENGAL BRASSERIE RESTAURANT: BAGEL BITE ed pubs to tiny bars offering deals on cock- ADDRESS: COFFEEYARD, STONEGATE ADDRESS: GOODRAMGATE ADDRESS: MARKET STREET tails to the infamous ‘trebles for singles’, there is something for everyone. Here we AVE. FOOD PRICE: £11 AVE. FOOD PRICE: £8 AVE. FOOD PRICE: £4 reveal some of the essential places to visit in AVE. DRINK PRICE: £4 AVE. DRINK PRICE: £2.50 AVE. DRINK PRICE: £2 your first few weeks. REVIEW: CARINA TOPHAM REVIEW: LOUISE BRYDGES REVIEW: HELEN CITRON BAR: EVIL EYE LOUNGE ✪✪✪✩✩ ✪✪✪✩✩ ✪✪✪✪✩ ADDRESS: STONEGATE

Undoubtedly the best place in York to go for cocktails. Sit back and watch your drink be made freshly right in front of you by experi- enced bartenders. The quirky interior, with the bustling bar downstairs and more chilled-out rooms upstairs with beds to relax and enjoy your drinks on, makes this one of the places you must visit in your first few weeks at York. BAR:THE NAG’S HEAD ADDRESS: MICKLEGATE

Small, purple, cramped and filled with as many students as possible, especially on a Tuesday before Toffs, this is the ultimate student bar. Three words: Trebles for Singles. And not just with the kind of cheap The decor and candlelight help enhance this In the heart of York, situated on one of the If you’re looking for a healthy snack to vodka you can buy from Costcutter but the petite restaurant’s cosy and intimate atmos- many cobbled streets, is the Bengal Brasserie, recharge your batteries whilst shopping in real deal; any spirit and any mixer for about phere, and for those who like to star-gaze a traditional Indian restaurant that serves a town, look no further than Bagel Bite. £2.50. Treble Smirnoff and Vimto anyone? there is a cobbled courtyard allowing you to large variety of ‘award-winning’ dishes. The Offering a dazzling array of fillings to go into enjoy a secluded and relaxed meal. interior is simply decorated, creating a pleas- a variety of differently textured bagels, the Alley Cats offers a good selection of food ant ambience in which to enjoy a meal. shop brings something a little bit unusual to BAR: DUSK for both vegetarians and meat-lovers alike, However, I was unfortunately seated next to a the huge number of sandwich shops already ADDRESS: NEW STREET with most dishes being reasonably priced. rather imposing fishtank that contained around in York. Having said that, our choice of starters - many large, somewhat disconcerting fish, all My personal favourite has to be the Okay, so it's not quite as impressive as Evil chicken satay and chicken liver pate with of whom proceeded to defecate throughout ingenious chicken caesar bagel that adapts Eye and the cocktails aren't quite as good bread - although tasty, were a little disap- the duration of the meal. Off-putting to say this favourite salad dish as a yummy sand- but at two of them for £4.50 are you really pointing and seemed expensive for what they the least. wich filling. I can also recommend the grilled going to complain? Navigating the menu for were (each cost £4.50). Despite this, the food itself was scrump- halloumi bagel, which is light yet filling. the first time is a little tricky as it doesn't However, the disappointment of the tious. After devouring too many poppadoms, And, of course, there’s the classic smoked- actually say what's in each drink but it's safe starters was more than made up for by the I tucked into a chicken tandoori - chicken salmon-and-cream-cheese combo, which to say there is something for everyone — main courses: Thai vegetable curry and that had been marinated, skewered and Bagel Bite does better than anyone else. The and, if unsure, a 'David Hasslehoff' never shoulder of roast lamb with redcurrant jelly cooked in a clay oven - and a naan bread, all more adventurous may wish to go for a disappoints. and mash. The curry contained a good vari- of which was delicious. The food was also rea- sweeter option - perhaps involving peanut ety of fresh vegetables and was neither too sonably priced with the majority of the main butter on a cranberry flavoured bagel. The BAR: THE LOWTHER heavy nor oily, whilst the lamb was beautiful- courses costing as little as £8 (a price that smoothies are worth a try too and are a tad ADDRESS: CUMBERLAND STREET ly cooked, tenderly falling off the bone. The most student loans can stretch to afford). cheaper than those available elsewhere. redcurrant jelly nicely complemented the My only slight reservation, apart from Those with a sweet tooth, however, may be More of a pub than a bar, this two-storey lamb and the mash was light and fluffy, con- the fishtank and its defecating fish, was that I disappointed as the seletion of cakes and establishment is guaranteed to be packed at taining the odd lump or two (but at least it went on a Saturday evening and due to the pastries is pretty pathetic, mainly involving any time of the night. Open until 2am, you shows it was home-made). The generous por- high demand for tables, the waiters continu- dry cookies and packaged muffins. Another can spend hours (if you manage to grab a tion sizes left no room for dessert, tempting ously tried to hurry the meal along. Overall, issue is that service can be comically slow. It seat) sitting and drinking the whole night though they were, so all that was left to do however, this is an ideal place to come if you took a staff of three 10 minutes to assemble away. was enjoy the friendly and relaxed atmos- find yourself in need of a hearty curry as the my prawn bagel. Overall, though, Bagel Bite Written by Lauren Menzies phere and finish off our wine by candlelight. wintry nights set in. is a worthwhile stop-off. M24 Listings 09/10/07

Clockwise from top left: Last year’s Viking Raid; Tracey Emin’s ‘Helter Fucking Skelter’; The Kingdom, released October 5 and starring Jamie Foxx and Belisha - soon to be appearing at Fibbers LIVEMUSIC CAMPUSEVENTS Tuesday 16 October Sunday October 21 Friday October 12 Sunday October 14 Ra Ra Riot, Fibbers The Valves, Fibbers Langwith Heroes and Villains Comedy Night Think Dexy's playing REM with a bit of ‘60s I-don't-give-a-toss vocal style which ‘Heroes and Villains’ is a hit every year and A brilliant and hilarious night of comedy Arcade Fire. But they're also indebted to chimes perfectly with the complete lack of this year’s event is set to be better. A great from compere Dan Atkinson and many London Calling-era Clash, warmed over skinny ties. Complete devotion to putting on chance to embrace the costume-making cre- other acts. In Central Hall, it is the start of by swathes of cello and violin and cur- a show. “Indie-rock music, but without the ativity student life brings with it. You won’t many comedy events through the year. rently touring with The Editors. £6 OTD. pretentious stuff …" be the weirdest looking person there. Tickets £5 Thursday October 18 Monday October 22 Where to find Fibbers Viking Raid Belisha, Fibbers York Fibbers is York’s prime music scene Saturday October 13 One of the best events of any term, the t- Metal/rock/power-punk cross-over shock with gigs every night. It’s located on Access All Areas shirts are your tickets (the colour corre- rockers claiming recently on TV to be Stonebow, just behind the bus stops in the A fabulous way to explore campus - whilst sponds to the route so get the same as your Britain's most pretentious band. They East of the city centre. Information on drunk - and get accustomed to our many friends!) and it shows students the bars may just be able to back up that kind of upcoming gigs and booking tickets can student bars. Seven colleges and one ticket they wouldn’t usually notice. What better arrogance. Drawing on classic Maiden found at www.fibbers.com or on 01904 for £7.50. Always a popular event, so plan way to tour York than sampling as many songs for inspiration. £6 OTD. 651250. ID is essential and strictly enforced. your route! bars as possible in one night? ART&PERFORMANCE CINEMA October 19-27 October 26 - November 3 Ratatouille Eastern Promises Pinocchio, York Theatre Royal Illuminating York, The Museum Gardens. Released Friday October 12 Released Friday October 26 Playing truant, upsetting neighbours. Why Ever wondered what happens in the ancient When Remy, a young French rat arrives in Nikolai (Viggo Mortensen) is tied to can't Pinocchio behave like an ordinary gardens when the gates are locked and Paris, he makes an unusual alliance with a London's most notorious organised crime boy? When Pinocchio disappears into an night closes in? Another world comes to life. restaurant's new garbage boy, the culinary family. When he crosses paths with Anna underworld of con-men and lowlifes, Joe A hidden world. A world which has been and personal adventures begin, despite (Naomi Watts), an innocent midwife trying persues his son along his wild, strange and locked away… until now. See the gardens in Remy's family's skepticism and the rat-hat- to right a wrong, who accidentally uncovers epic journey. Not quite Disney. a whole new light. ing world of humans. evidence against the family, he must put into motion a harrowing chain of murder, The Kingdom deceit and retribution. October 9-13 October 6 - January 17 Released October 5 Tracey Emin, York Gallery York Opera presents Hugh The Drover An epic performance from Jamie Foxx as a Resident Evil: Extinction Tuneful, colourful and passion-filled, The work of one of the most well known of member of a team of US government agents Released Friday October 12 Vaughan Williams's opera contains all the recent, controversial artists is being loaned who are sent to investigate the bombing of an Survivors of the Raccoon City catastrophe elements of village life – Morris Men, prize to York Gallery by a private collector. Her American facility in the Middle East. Despite travel across the Nevada desert, hoping to fights, confinement in the stocks and a works on paper, photography and textiles numerous action scenes and great special make it to Alaska. Alice (Milla Jovovich) troop of soldiers ready to volunteer an are definitely worth seeing whilst in public effects it is in grave danger of being another joins the caravan and their fight against the unwilling recruit! and free. American, self-fellating gladfest. evil Umbrella Corp.

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