The Krewe du Vieux Presents PURPLE PROSE, YELLOW Le Monde de Merde JOURNALISM AND THE LUST Vol. 23, No. 1 February 15, 2014 Priceless FOR GREEN Krewe du Vieux Goes “Where the Vile Things Are” John Barry to Lead Krewe on its Annual Rumpus THE VILE KINGDOM OF NEW Moon” suffered the enormous indignity of ORLEANS – It was another vile and actually having an opponent, potentially wooly year, from carnival interruptus derailing his ambition to lead his people into in the Crescent City to government inter- the promised Landrieu. ruptus in the Capitol City. And even though Nationally, anti-social media like politicians and commissioners and surreality Farcebook and Twatter turned out to have television stars roared their terrible roars fatal attractions. The NSA hired every and gnashed their terrible teeth and rolled single United States resident to spy on ev- their terrible eyes and showed their terrible ery single United States resident. The Tea claws, they were all sent off to bed without Party boiled over, President Yomama be- Parade Route of the Krewe du Vieux, Saturday, February 15, 2014 at 6:30 PM their dinners. came the un-decider, and Republicans in ery day you see country preachers and oil racious, vivacious, vociferous, vehement, It was definitely not a good year for Congress registered the first ever below- tycoons on the same page. When not help- volatile interpretations of the theme. uncles, from Uncle Sam having his allow- zero approval ratings in the history of the ing Republican candidates around the na- Subkrewes include the Krewe of ance cut off in Washington to Kim Jong Throwup Poll. tion experience setbacks at the polls, the C.R.U.D.E., Krewe of Space Age Love, Il’s uncle having numerous body parts cut On the world scene, intrepid Krewe du genius Gov was setting higher education Krewe of Underwear, Seeds of Decline, off in Pyongyang. Ultimately, the tea party Vieux inspectors went to Syria looking for and health care back a few centuries here Krewe of Mama Roux, Krewe of wingnuts in the House cried “uncle” (though chemicals, only to find that mustard gas in Louisiana. L.E.W.D., Krewe of Drips and Discharges, they turned out to have their fingers didn’t really go with lucky dogs. This was Speaking of the oiligarchs, KdV’s very Krewe of K.A.O.S., Knights of Mondu, crossed), while the Worm turned for young after their Italian cruise ship captain intro- own King John Barry had them peeing in T.O.K.I.N., Krewe Rue Bourbon, Krewe Kim in Korea. duced them to a new concept of “on the their pipes when he led the Southeast Loui- de C.R.A.P.S., Mystic Krewe of Spermes, Here at home, crime was again a hot rocks”. The first South American cardinal siana Flood Authority in filing a lawsuit de- Mystik Krewe of Comatose, Mystic topic, with the feds deciding New Orleans was elected Pope, bringing a unique fra- manding that they fix the wetlands that they Krewe of Inane, Krewe du Mishigas, and had finally reached the age of consent de- grance to the infamous white smoke. broke so badly. Despite the oil industry’s Krewe of SPANK. crees. Former mayor Ray Nagin took too There was plenty of news from the weird Power Plays, King John Flu on a Rising Also marching will be many of the city’s much for granite and found himself in a world of science. The mysterious “god Tide of public appreciation to be named top brass bands (though not the Vile Mag- chocolate courtroom. While the number of particle” – the Mitch Boson – was finally Gambit’s New Orleanian of the Year and nolias). Showcasing the local brass band shootings stayed about the same, the num- discovered. The Big Bong Theory enraged – exponentially more important – King of talent is one of the few Krewe du Vieux ber of murders dropped, thanks apparently advocates of Procreationism. Evidence of Krewe du Vieux, the better to lead us into traditions that Mitch Landrieu has not taken to many gangs who couldn’t shoot straight. climate change was overwhelming, from the vile blue yonder. credit for during his bid for re-election. And extended negotiations finally ended massive killer storms to debilitating To answer the call of the vile, the vile The Krewe du Vieux is a nonprofit or- with the decision to link the number of beds droughts, but Metairie Congressman Steve and crazy guys and the girls gone vile of ganization dedicated to the historical and in Orleans Parish Prison to the number of Scalise still claimed it was part of the radi- Krewe du Vieux will take a walk on the traditional concept of a Mardi Gras parade members in Krewe du Vieux. cal liberal agenda. And brain-eating amoe- vile side, marching a vile a minute through as a venue for individual creative expres- Voters asked for whom the bridge tolls; bas were found in the St. Bernard Parish the Marigny and the French Quarter on sion and satirical comment. It is unique the answer was no one, especially ferry water system, though Rep. Scalise was Saturday, February 15 at 6:30 PM in among all Mardi Gras parades because it godmothers. In other electile dysfunction, determined not to be at risk. their endless search for Where the Vile alone carries on the old Carnival traditions, Councilwoman LaToya Cantrell smoked Some observers speculated that the Things Are. As the crass menagerie goes by using decorated, hand or mule-drawn the opposition; District E residents got the amoebas may have made their way up the by, parade-goers are advised to watch out floats with satirical themes, accompanied chance to embody Einstein’s definition of river to Baton Rouge, where Gov. Bobby for vile hares, exploit their feminine viles, by costumed revelers dancing to the sounds insanity; Councilwoman Jackie Clarkson, “Bombay” Gindoll – in a rare home-state and be vile at heart. of jazzy street musicians. We believe in who served her first term in office under appearance – proved himself to be the The Krewe du Vieux’s seventeen exposing the world to the true nature of Mayor Bienville, decided to run just one greatest uniter ever when he proposed to subkrewes will each present their own vili- Mardi Gras – and in exposing ourselves to more time; and Mayor Mitch “Son of eliminate the state income tax. It’s not ev- fied, villainous, voluptuous, voluminous, vo- the world. – 1 – Krewe du Vieux King Has a New Suit Authority’s ability to sue. This clearly makes him highly qualified Every year, many emperors – and poli- standing up for the people you purport “Several parishes also sued the industry to lead the cheap and seedy Krewe du ticians – are found to be wearing no clothes to serve. after we did, and I expect more. The par- Vieux – but wait, there’s more. (as are many members of Krewe du Vieux, “The industry knows they caused the ish lawsuits could also be undermined by “I enjoy the physicality of Mardi Gras, but that’s another story). But for Carni- wetlands damage, and it is in their own the legislature,” muses our monarch, who jockeying for position to catch some beads val time 2014, our King John Barry has interest to repair the damage,” King John adds that one hope the Authority had when – not in a mean way, but just the physical a splendid new suit. points out. “But they want the taxpayers it sued the oil companies was exactly what challenge.” King John recalls his wife being Of course, not everyone loves King to pay instead. Of course, if state gov- happened – that other suits would follow, really excited about her first Mardi Gras, John’s suit. But who cares what Gover- ernment had enforced their permits and putting more pressure on the industry to live when he put his many years of weightlifting nor Jindal and Coastal Czar Graves think? state laws, which require them to make up to its responsibilities. to good use by placing her on his shoul- Our merry monarch is undeterred in his these repairs, we wouldn’t even be in this The antidote to these poisonous politi- ders and elbowing his way to the front of quest for justice, fairness and coastal – if situation. cal posturings? Purple people power: “Call the crowd at Lee Circle, which in and of not royal – restoration. “Unfortunately, there has never been an your legislators,” recommends our rajah. itself is a major Carnival accomplishment. In the classic colors of a Carnival suit, enforcement action in decades of indus- “Repeatedly!” The king is definitely psyched for Krewe behold the tale of King John. try activity. The flag of Texaco flies over Blue du Vieux, though he warns his legions of loyal followers that “I tore my rotator cuff Red the capital of Louisiana.” If we don’t reverse the loss and replenish the wetlands, we’re all going to be see- and didn’t have the recommended sur- Our literary lord is one of the most Green gery, so I may not be able to hit the back widely-read authors of our time. Rising Green and healthy wetlands are vital to ing blue – figuratively and literally, if the Gulf of Mexico ends up lap dancing at our rows with those throws. I think my throws Tide, his epic study of the infamous 1927 the future of New Orleans, of Louisiana, will clear the float, however.” doorsteps. Mississippi River flood, was named one and indeed of the entire United States. Had And if he could wave his royal sceptre of the fifty most memorable books of the Katrina hit land even thirty years ago, When you put all the colors together, and create a perfect world? First, he would previous fifty years by the New York enough storm surge might have been ab- you get a rainbow, and while no one is make sure that the people who damaged Public Library – and that was before his- sorbed by the wetlands to avoid the cata- looking for a pot of gold (unless it’s Co- the wetlands fund the repairs, protect our tory repeated itself in the form of more strophic levee failures. From recreational lombian), King John can foresee a happy beloved city and restore the unique coastal federal f**k-ups in Katrina. boating, hunting and fishing to the com- ending to all these troubles. “If we put way of life. Second, he would actually find “We seem to have started to learn some mercial seafood industry, Louisianans are enough pressure on the industry, more the time to get to work on his next book. lessons this time,” observes our optimis- losing a way of life with every acre of marsh lawsuits if necessary, rather than fight, they Yes, every tale has a next chapter, ide- tic emperor, “like having a flood author- that disappears. might come to the table. We’re just ask- ally more colorful than the last. So all hail ity with real scientists and experts, com- And if they go away completely, the oil ing them to keep their word, obey the law, King John Barry, the Mardi Gras mon- pared to having some politician’s cousin and gas infrastructure goes with them – take responsibility for their actions, just arch whose new suit we hope will one day appointed to the levee board. But over- and America becomes that much more like you’d ask any three-year-old.” cover us all! all the impact of Katrina has been higher reliant on foreign producers. In the meantime, John Barry is this year’s among the professionals, the scientists, the “Coastal restoration is not a Democratic Krewe du Vieux Doo most excellent King of Krewe du Vieux. planners, than on the general conscious- or Republican issue, it’s an American is- Saturday, February 15 A French Quarter resident, our partying Doors open 8:00 PM ness of the nation.” sue,” says our scholarly sovereign. “What prince’s first experience of New Orleans Music starts after parade Of course the King himself was one of we are asking in the suit is very consis- was when he came down for Mardi Gras the experts initially appointed to the South- tent with basic American values, basic TRASH PALACE one year. He saw through the insanity that Chartres & Elysian Fields east Louisiana Flood Authority, and was conservative values: take responsibility. this was the place he wanted to live, and General Admission entrance on a leader in pushing for the lawsuit that asks Man up, oil industry!” moved here soon thereafter – despite Frenchmen Street the oil and gas industry to repair the dam- Of course, our groveling governor and nearly getting bulldozed by the Bourbon featuring in order of appearance ages they have caused to the coastal the oiligarchs see a different green: money. Street trash cleaning machines at the end Brass Band Jam wetlands. His reward? President-in- And while they don’t mind if we lose our of his first Fat Tuesday. Waiting (and we’re talking a loooong wait) green, they are highly determined to hold Big Chief Monk Boudreaux There were some misspent years when and Very Special Guests Jindal read him the riot act and refused on to theirs. he lived in DC, but our city’s siren song Late Night Music by Afroskull to re-appoint him. Purple lured back our lost liege. “There were still Yellow Purple appears to be the color Bobby a lot of artists in the Quarter then, still TICKETS $30 Available from Yellow is the color commonly associ- Jindal and Garret Graves turned when they cheap, seedy apartments,” our royalty Louisiana Music Factory ated with cowardice, and not living up to heard about the lawsuit. They will make recalls. “It’s cleaner now, but I miss the 210 Decatur Street your agreements and obligations is defi- it a top priority in this year’s state legisla- old bars and clubs, the sailors’ hangouts Up in Smoke nitely the action of cowards. Ditto not tive session to take away the Flood on Decatur.” 2101 Magazine Street

– 2 – Vile Queen of Denial Goes Up-River everybody else too. approval in a symphonic mallard melody After departing from Memphis, the of duck calls. KINGDOM OF WE-GYPT – Having but as the proclamation is written at an Divine and Peripatetic Pharaoh Cleo- The stop at Mon-row will conclude her emerged from the Seeds of Decline, af- eighth grade reading level, only members Piyush will set her course for the Red City state visit. Having surveyed and taken the ter the last of the Rameses of the Pfuk’t of her court will be able to read it. of Mon-row, home of the duck cult. There, census of her kingdom, she will be fully Dynasty abdicated so he could create the Next, her journey will take her through she shall preside over the in-duck-shun prepared to launch her campaign, led by Condom Dynasty, the Cleo Dynasty came the ancient and venerable city of Ass-one of new acolytes in service to the Bearded an army of elephants, to conquer Iowa like into power. Its first ruler was Cleo-Patra, where she will conduct a high sacrifice Duck Priests. Following the in-duck-shun, Hanna-Montana-bal. Once she’s gained followed by Cleo-Patricia, and now by of tenured teachers. The sacrifice will begin Cleo-Piyush will lead the arranged mar- control of the cock-usses, she will finally the Divine Pharaoh Cleo-Piyush, Queen by extracting the common core out of the riage of 14-year-olds to princes of the be able to expand her reign of error. of Da Vile. curriculum. Next, the damned of Ass-one realm. The marriage ceremony will be The Seeds of Decline cordially invite you Pharoah Piyush first defeated the plague will rip out the teachers’ hearts, wrap them sealed with a sacrifice of sodomites to to spectate as they walk like We-Gypt- of Frog tourists, who invaded the most in a charter, and burn them with any books thank the ancient Oracle of the JimKro. ians, with their eyes akimbo, through the important city in her kingdom (hint: not longer than twenty pages. The cheers of Queen Piyush will climax the ceremony potholed streets on February 15, 2014 Shreveport) with the mistaken idea that the graduates of the royal charters will with the flashing of her nefer-titties accom- in the Sixth year of the Rain of Pharaoh French was spoken in the Vieux Carre. drown out the screams of the damned of panied by her minions trumpeting their Cleo-piyush …. Her Grand Brassiere attributed the wave Ass-one as the fire is lit with the holy of plagues to a misguided resurgence of vouchers. the cult of the sun-goddess Hot-en-hot- In Cairo, she shall visit Nubian Jim, her Bourbon Gets Into PajamaCare ter. Queen Piyush responded by closing old side-kick from her huckleberry days. the mental institutions, successfully fright- The two will consult with the Dolphin and BETWEEN THE SHEETS – third wearing scanty clothing in my lei- ening away the tourists. the King of France over the economic PajamaCare is now the law of the land – sure, so sleeping in the nude comes naturally Now the Divine Pharaoh Cleo-Piyush development of We-Gypt. Regrettably, and bed. With the economy stripped of to me.” of the We-Gypt-ians, with her sights fo- Czar Ed Blake-lie will be unable to at- so many jobs and households getting by Next up was a vagabond traveler, Hobo cused on eventually moving her throne into tend because he is busy rebuilding New on threadbare budgets, the rising cost of Longshaft. When asked about his take that most vile river of denial, the Potomac, Jersey. pajamas has forced many citizens to sleep on PajamaCare, Mr. Longshaft replied will undertake a state visit up da Vile, where She will travel through Memphis and naked. The very thought of not having that that, “Pajamas just cost too much. There- she might get a view of the kingdom of Iowa. stop at the Valley of the King and even warm and cozy feeling of a pair of flan- fore I sleep in my clothes during the win- The first stop is the marble Huey-P tour Graceland. She shall pay obesence nels on the genitals while in between the ter and during the summer I sleep strictly Tower of Theves, site of the annual ritual to the Christian right by sacrificing Med- sheets makes many people shiver. in my Gucci underwear. Hey, the luxury budget-strangling of higher education. Next icaid and mental health, and cast out the In a recent Krewe Rue Bourbon poll, of pajamas is for rich people.” is Alexandria, where a great library was devil mental patients, now sleeping un- the vast majority of Americans say they Before Mr. Nutts called it a day, he planned with a dedicated millage. Cleo- der the interstate. She’ll install her Piyush- want to sleep in pajamas, but cannot af- decided to interview an attractively Piyush will review the labor of her happy Don’t-Care medical plan for the benefit ford to buy them. Many of those who can dressed older woman, Mrs. Truly slaves who maintain her pharaonic opu- of the happy slaves. To the dismay of many, afford pajamas feel privileged and even Blueblood. When asked her thoughts on lence, which had absorbed the millage. the Piyush-Don’t-Care medical plan does went to the extremes of shopping online the subject, Mrs. Blueblood blushed. As a gesture to her constituents, Cleo- not cover smoking of bullrushes for medi- for that provocative “Nasty Ass Sleep “Rather than take the fifth on the ques- Piyush will forgive all library overdue fines, cal purposes. It will heel the sick … and Ware”, but a substantial minority still say tion, I would rather drink a fifth.” She then they miss the sensual feeling of sleeping added, “Sometimes I wear my pajamas Corrections and Clarifications nude. and sometimes I don’t. It all depends on Last year Monde de Merde identified Bobby Jindal as the governor of Louisiana. We regret it deeply. WKMA (“Why Kiss My Ass”) crack whether Mr. Pushrod spends the night. reporter, Fuzzy Nutts, decided to venture And when he comes, he doesn’t like We regret to report that after celebrating traditional marriage last year, this year CRUDE is into the streets of New Orleans to inter- anything coming between us.” celebrating traditional divorce. view people regarding their opinions as After finishing his assignment, Fuzzy Last year Monde de Merde announced that it would henceforth publish only three times per to whether sleeping naked is or is not Nutts of WKMA concluded that decade. In fact, MdM Rue is now available for purchase in other years. acceptable. He first subject was Ms. PajamaCare is the law whether afford- We reported last year that NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell was found having sex with the Seymore Titty, a French Quarter pole able or not, and who cares - sleeping nude Rex Boeuf Gras. The roles were actually reversed. dancer. Ms. Titty responded that she was is more fun. One thing is for sure under Despite the heady publicity beforehand, T.O.K.I.N.’s YoMaMaCare was not well rolled out. not at all bothered by the cost of the new law: “If you like your ass, you Mama Roux reported from the Stupor Bowl that the “Dome itself is totally lit up”. This did not PajamaCare because she chooses not to can keep your ass.” This has been Krewe turn out to be true in the third quarter; we regret the error as well as Beyonce’s halftime own a pair. “I spend one third of my day Rue Bourbon reporting for “Why Kiss appearance. twerking on a pole at ‘Big Daddy’s’, a My Ass” news.

– 3 – “Jail House Rock” Entertainment Complex, Video Production Company & Luxury Crackhouse Condos Open in Mid-City By I.M. Cumming

New Crack City, LA – The Krewe of any resident with a Phat Cat GAS Pass invite you to the grand opening of our guests will receive a free crack pack and Space Age Love, Orleans Parish Prisoner to and from Bourbon Street, the Lower Jail House Rock complex at 6:30 pm The Ganja Chronicles, the autobiog- Investment Consortium & Gusman Al- Nine, Central City, and Algiers. OPP’s on February 15, 2014. The first 940 raphy of Indian Red. mighty Seductions Unlimited are very high Gus Party bus will be complete with video on Jail House Rock, their new joint ven- streaming, crack bar, hookah cafe, wet ture. The combination club, video pro- bar and stripper pole. duction company, and luxury crackhouse Housed within the Jail House Rock condos recently opened in the new Mid- complex is New Crack Mall, where resi- Jail House Rock City financial extortion district. dents can enjoy a meal at Amsterdam GAS, as Gusman is also known, was Bistro, Hard Rock Cafe or Cracky Cheese. The One Stop Shop elated at the response from the area resi- The White House Emporium is a popu- dents when he debuted the one-stop shop lar one-stop shop offering favorites like concept of stay, play and pay. Prisoners rock candy, brownies from Kind Bud to party till you drop ! will now be called residents and can earn industries, Absinthe of Malice and the very such perks as good time Bourbon Street popular NOLA Rum Drop Soup. Video Production passes, in your cell lap dances, the ever Hankton Pharmacia & Barber Shop is popular crack pack, or the Big Kahuna sure to be very popular with the residents • • • • • – their very own party video by New with its line of generic and brand name phar- Crack Productions. maceuticals. Mr. Hankton guarantees all OPP and GAS-U are proud to intro- product, custom crack pipes, syringes and Private Parties duce Hankton Towers luxury crack con- miscellaneous supplies to be of the highest dos. The Phat Cat Condo comes with a quality. Barber Shop Special with purchase • • • • • 52-inch screen surround sound system, and free shiv to the first ten customers, bodyguard, stripper of choice, hookah/ OPP residents may also enjoy conju- Lap Dancers ganja room, crack bar, jacuzzi, sound proof gal visits at Mr. Binky’s Pleasure Dome bathroom, and WiFi. The Po-Cat Condo in the mall’s family center. Friendly guards • • • • • comes with a 19-inch black and white TV, in Elvis attire are available 24/7 for all guests. a number three washtub, two crack pipes, In an effort to improve drug and com- a roommate named Stud and a sample munity relations, cut down on street crime, OPP Gus Party Bus from the Phat Cat in cell number one. and establish a path for crackheads to Plans for the Entertainment Complex invest in their community, Jail House Rock • • • • • include a new production of Elvis’s Jail will be using the Spread the Love busi- House Rock and an ex-con mentor pro- ness plan. This offers local crackheads the Bourbon Street Passes gram. Scheduled speakers for the GAS opportunity to invest in Hankton Towers mentor program are such notables as Greg and enjoy the high of being a happy • • • • • Meffert, Oliver Thomas, Bill Jefferson, and Hankton Towers condo owner. Local the ever popular Papa Edwin Edwards. police and court systems are 100% be- The new production of Jail House Rock hind a concept that won’t require the court Luxury Crackhouse will include a few inmate favorites such system, lawyers, bail bondsmen, or ex- as Are You Lonesome Tonight, Pound tensive and expensive police action, and Condos Dog, Love Me Tender, Let Me Be Your could result in uniting the crackhead com- Teddy Bear and the previously-unreleased, munity. Mr. Gusman is once again to be Contact a Jail House Agent long lost Crack House Rock. commended for his social insight and fi- OPP will ensure a constant flow of nancial ingenuity. today at 800-69CRACK guests and also provide transportation for K.S.A.L., OPP and Gusman Almighty

– 4 – NOPD Fails to Stop Vile Ents in the Streets Mishigas Parties the Red Sea of Daiquiri

VIEUX CARRE - The New Orleans Sapass opined, “I may be going out on a VILE RIVER – There have been reports Meanwhile, in the streets surrounding Police Department has been unable limb here, but I think if we do nothing at of insurrection, plagues, and a possible Little Egypt, a series of strange plagues to hold back a horde of tree creatures all then this problem will simply go away.” miracle in the streets of New Orleans. A descended upon the city. Eyewitness that recently invaded the streets of Critics of the Superintendent were quick volatile situation erupted when the accounts describe swarms of termites, the French Quarter. Made famous by to respond that he was full of hot CO2 Broadmoor Area Anti-go-cup League rampaging roaches, stinging caterpillars the The Lord of the Rings, these nor- and his statement was simply a carbon (B.A.A.L.) issued an edict, signed by their falling from the heavens. Potholes erupted mally docile Ents have been creating havoc copy of previous emissions. leader, one Ramsey Pharaoh, decreeing in the assphalt and orange cones were after an incident during production of a Perhaps sensing that this incident would that henceforth the denizens of the Little everywhere. Pots of Ya Ka Mein across promotional video for the utility company cut into his chance at re-election, Mayor Egypt Bar and Falafel Stand, collectively the entire Southshore turned instantly into Entergy. Birch Landyew immediately directed the known as the Krewe de Mishigas, would Campbell’s Cream of Chicken. For several Entergy spokesman Forrest Greene Department of Safety and Permits to in- no longer be able to transport their liba- minutes, the temperature dropped to a explained, “The production was going well vent a new fine for parading without a li- tions off the premises in the holy vessels bone-chilling, life-threatening 52 degrees. until the lunch break. An intern mistakenly censed arborist. known as go-cups. The airwaves were inundated with end- gave them a few cases of Barq’s root beer. Opponents of the Mayor, including the Use of these vessels is an ancient tra- less loops of campaigning zombie politi- They became uprooted on the stuff. That newly formed splinter group “Stop the dition among the Mishigasim, as well as cians. was bad enough, but after they got caught Vile Ents”, followed with a joint statement other krewes throughout New Orleans. The minions of B.A.A.L. were un- in some power lines, they just went nuts that accused the Mayor of barking up the Mishigas prophet and mixologist, Mose moved. Pharaoh declared, “We will never and blazed a trail to the French Quarter.” wrong tree and “not being able to see the S. Boudreaux declared, “We will no longer surrender our power to force petty edicts Some of the vile Ent acts reported were forest for the fees.” be slaves to neighborhood associations, on our subjects.” unsolicited tree hugging, popping car The Krewe du Vieux, which is sched- the planning commission, and the Alco- However, before he could finish trunks, defoliating virgin oaks, beating bush, uled to parade Saturday, February 15 in holic Beverage Control board. The forces bloviating, a flood of a slushy red liquid wearing fir, ash fucking, sex on the beech, the Vieux Carre, announced they would of Pharaoh and the NOPD cannot keep emanated from the environs of Little Egypt. sporting redwood, exposing their woodies, still march with the theme “Where the Vile us from taking our party to the streets. Let At the edge of this Red Sea of Daiquiri and spreading their seed, as well as other Things Are” noting that the current envi- my people go-cup!” appeared Mose S. Boudreaux himself. lewd and deciduous behavior. ronment would allow them to branch out Little Egypt was immediately sur- Raising his pool cue high, he parted the Police were unable to stop the lumber- with their message. rounded by a phalanx of NOPD guards Red Sea and led the Mishigasim on their ing giants, even with sawed-off shotguns, who acted to prevent anyone from leav- exodus to go-cup freedom in the KdV and were pulled back. When asked for – Reported by Ray “Plaine” Kern, ing the premises drink in hand. parade. It is expected that they will be comment, Police Superintendent Ronnie noted Dendrologist. The Mishigasim were prepared to hole revealing several commandments (and up in the watering hole for as long as nec- body parts), but the only one you really essary. “Could be forty years, forty days need to know is: Thou shalt bring thy go- People’s Republic of Inane Plans and forty nights, or forty minutes,” said cups to the Krewe du Vieux parade on Splashy Entrance to First Mose. February 15. O’Lymp Dicks Games in Sochi

ON THE TWIN SLOPES – Athletes and on the parade, sources close to the presi- to distance, said he is excited to have Putin symbolic flaming dildo will be none other officials hailing from The People’s Republic dent said he feels the O’Lymp Dicks Games along for his country’s inaugural games. than Jesse Steblev, a cocksledding leg- of Inane have planned a flashy debut for will provide perfect international stage to “We will make history this year, start- end and native Inanite. the 2014 O’Lymp Dicks Games Parade finally come out of the closet. ing with the Parade of Nations. I can al- It was Steblev who helped formulated of Nations in Sochi, Russia. And what a spectacular entrance the ready feel a gold medal ready to burst forth the fundamentals of cocksleigh as we In a surprising move, Russian President Russian president and The People’s Re- from my loins,” Guidrikson. know it and will arguably go down as one Vladamir Putin will march with the new public of Inane will make. The team of athletes also includes of the sport’s most important icons. nation, accompanied by his partner/bear Putin will be flanked by the nation’s Guidrikson’s co-captain and champion About his selection to bear his country’s daddy, Borislav. Putin’s decision will surely internationally-ranked athletes, including cunnilingus curler, Jennitals Lilov. standard, Steblev said proudly, “I will hold court controversy as the country contin- the delegation’s co-captain, Guns The People’s Republic of Inane has the golden, flaming cock up high and lead ues to enforce recently enacted anti-gay Guidrikson, the No. 3 Splooger in the planned another special surprise for the my people to victory. All hail The People’s laws. world. Feb. 15 Parade of Nations. Leading the Republic of Inane!” While Putin has not commented directly Guidrikson, known for his dedication delegation and carrying aloft the country’s

– 5 – Rogue Nation – The Republic of Dripsonia – Recipe du Merde Hosts Sphincter Olympics Mama Roux’s Big Easy Treme-Style

After its membership was completely Sphincter Olympic Flame: Creole-Cajun Vilé Gumbo with Brown Lice shut out from representing the Urinited May your sphincters be bleached all Most ingredients available at New Orleans’ fine local grossery stores such as States of Amurka in the Soso-chichi Winter bright, Langenstinks, Louse’s Market, Schmegmann’s, WalFart, Whorignac’s, Stale Foods Olympics, the Krewe of Drips & Dis- and never left untouched; Market, Save-A-Rot, Maggotassa’s, Crudseco’s, Sleaux Mart, Fat Albertson’s, charges, led by benevolent dicktator their boundaries to be forever tight, Robotulism’s Flesh Market, Schtuppardo’s, and Perverte Mart George II, an accomplished ice dancer, and lubed by Russian brides; 3 large chickens or 4 large ducks with bones, skin, feathers, feet and pieces-parts founded The Republic of Dripsonia. Chorus: 1 lb. unidentifiable pork by-products Assylum seekers quickly emigrated en- In Dripsonia, my love, 2 lbs. large shrimp with shells and veins masse to the tiny fledgling country located it’s sphincter time; 2 lbs. aged lump crab meat somewhere between the Bywater and the enjoying every inch, my love, 2 cups week-old bacon drippings French Quarter. In another “shocker”, the for the backdoor’s all thine 1 cup all-purpose mealy flour International Olympic Cummittee refused Share your pickles in wantonness, 1 large onion, coarsely chopped to recognize Dripsonia or its athletes, many as juice rolls down each cheek; 28 cloves garlic, minced of whom have been accused of using Our sphincters are all we need, 1 green bell pepper (do not remove seeds) performance enhancing mind altering when in Dripsonia’s deep. 1 whole bunch celery drugs. Chorus: 1 bunch each of parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme (unwashed) To ensure its citizen assletes have the In Dripsonia, my love, 15 beef bouillon cubes left in back of pantry for 5 years opportunity to compete in their prime, it’s sphincter time; 1 bottle Worchester sauce Dripsonia has issued an invitation to all fine- enjoying every inch, my love, 1 large can stewed tomatoes with juice (include can) hynians to compete in the Inaugural for the backdoor’s all thine 4 cups frozen, sliced okra with extra slime Sphincter Olympics. The breakaway re- Many times you’ll cum out loud, ½ gallon Tabasco sauce public is expected to sweep 100% of the yearning for another round; 1 cup Tony Chachere’s gold medals, but that shouldn’t stop other it will be delivered to you my friend, 1 cup cayenne pepper nations from entering the competition. when you turn around. 12 moldy bay leaves Spectators will see events such as Girl Chorus: ½ cup gumbo vilé powder on Girl Figure Skating Action with former In Dripsonia, my love, 2 cups short grain brown lice enemies Tonya HardOn and Nancy it’s sphincter time; 1 stick rancid butter CumsAgain; bare-backed Pussy Rioting enjoying every inch, my love, 4 8-ounce bottles clam juice with crowd favorite Dirty Nikita; for the backdoor’s all thine 1 six-pack Dixie beer Rocketman tearing up the Super G-Spot; Directions: Viking Burner on the Half Crack Pipe with First, you make a roux. Whisk the flour and bacon drippings together in a large, heavy, champion Shaun Shite; and Downhill Skid- unwashed cast iron Dutch oven over medium-high heat to form a smooth mixture with marking. the consistency of pond scum. Cook the roux, constantly stirring until your shoulder is Other featured events include dislocated. After several hours of cooking and stirring, it should turn the color of dark Boobsledding, Ass Hockey, Pube Curl- mahogany. If it doesn’t, fuck it, dump in some Kitchen Bouquet. ing, Four-Way Bobsleigh, Uphill Snow Place all vegetables into a food processor and puree until liquefied. Stir the vegetable Snort, Flying Ski-Hump, Biassalon, Long puree into the roux. Stir in all ingredients from the animal kingdom. Bring mixture to a Distance Enema runs, the Cleveland simmer over medium-low heat. Sit down and have a Dixie beer. Or two. Steamer Relay, Full Contact Bukake, Skate Boil the beef bouillon cubes in a large pot. Stir until the bouillon cubes dissolve. Whisk Fighting and Extreme Pitching and Catch- the roux mixture into the boiling stock, using uninjured arm. Reduce heat to a simmer ing. and mix in the seasonings and spices. Simmer over low heat for 6 ½ hours. Drink three Spectators will be invited to sing along VISIT THE KdV additional Dixie beers. with the Rusty Trombones, as they play Pour brown lice into 4 cups boiling water, spraying any escaping lice with Raid. Sim- the Dripsonian National Anthem, during WEBSITE: mer covered for 2 hours. Turn off heat and allow to steam. Finish off Dixie beers. the Opening Ceremonies, where Dennis www.kreweduvieux.org(y) Spoon the lice into the bottom of deep bowls or large cups and ladle gumbo on top. Rodman shall be set ablaze as the official Serve with stale French bread and rancid butter.

– 6 – Mutual of Underwear’s “Vile Kingdom” Pilot Suffers From Absent Star

RED STICKS – Recent turmoil at A&E show was rumored to be rife with seri- kies, who claimed that Mr. Jindal’s lead- Louisiana. Unfortunately, due to Mr. (the Arse & Empty-headed Network) ous issues. As the show’s self-appointed ership was so flawless and effective that Jindal’s subsequent intimidation of the led network executives to believe that ass-ociate producer, Mr. Jindal’s attempts another out of state lecture and book tour entire crew, most copies of the footage their documentary series about old faux to pay MOU production staff and his should take precedence over document- were destroyed. The wiki-leaked ver- swamp men using fowl sex toys to lure hired array of extremist right wing mor- ing Mr. Jindal actually leading the state. sion obtained for this review remains under innocent ducks to their deaths was no als consultants with “Creationism School The most frequent sound bite from a very tight ball gag order by the usually longer sustainable. Realizing that the Vouchers” were blatantly illegal. these interactions was “The whole world somewhat less kinky and explicit Filth network was desperate for another hit Things only got more vile from there. depends on Mr. Jindal’s leadership skills. Circus Court of Appeals. show that could exploit viewers’ com- Back room deals were backed. Boon- Deal with it!” Consequently, Mr. Jindal In a protest of its trampled-upon free fortable convictions that Louisiana is still doggles were boondoggled. State tax only appears in one strange scene at the speech and press rights, and in direct vile- a pre-colonial primitive backwater, lo- credits were discredited. Rich political very end of the pilot episode. ation of the court order (as well as to cal production, marching and drinking backers were given license to write their Upon realizing that he wasn’t going to generate enough interest to recoup some company Mutual of Underwear gener- own scenes (and laws), as well as mas- be portrayed in a positive light, Mr. Jindal of its investment of time, money and in- ated a bold new concept. sively lucrative contracts to do absolutely went ballistic, donned a pair of furry onesie terns), Mutual of Underwear has decided MOU’s proposal was to spotlight a nothing. Mr. Jindal pillaged and diverted jammies (complete with claws and ears), to depict Mr. Jindal’s tyrannical tirade completely unknown and desperately hundreds of millions of dollars in edu- emerged from his Forest of Broken as a cartoon parody, which will air in the aspiring Baton Rouge resident named cation and designated low income funds, Promises, clambered up the exterior of Krewe du Vieux parade on Saturday, Piyush Jindal, chronicling his meteorically then doubled down by rejecting gazillions the Louisiana State Capital Building, and February 15. successful rule of the Vile Kingdom of of federal healthcare dollars. This last bit bellowed the mighty roar of a defeated In the meantime, the Arse & Empty- Louisiana and his seemingly inevitable rise wasn’t necessarily related to the show. beast who still can’t understand why ev- headed Network decided what America to king of the whole vile world. After It was more just because. eryone doesn’t love him. really needed was for it to resume its show listening to MOU’s pitch in a meeting on Throughout the pilot’s planned filming This was the one and only moment that about old faux swamp men slaughtering Marlin Perkins Road, A&E immediately schedule, Mr. Jindal could not be located the MOU crew was able to film Mr. Jindal poultry by pretending to be horny female signed on. within the State of Louisiana. This led to actually presiding over the State of ducks. From the beginning, production of the heated arguments with his various flun-

Republicans Roll Out BoehnerCare

ICU – Venturing into the medical morass soup and tea are also covered. proctologist “Doc” Ben Dover; the insur- After a few moments of puzzled silence, that has emerged after the limp rollout of The latter fact was not enough to pla- ance industry panelist will be Red he simply said “no”. the Affordable Sex Act, the Republican cate the Tea Party. Spokesman Earl “Grumpy” Cross; and patients will be Taking a contrary position was conser- party today unveiled their proposed new “Shady” Gray raged, “Government should represented by Mal “Sneezy” Practice. vative air-buffoon Rush Windblaugh, who national health care plan. It was immedi- not be involved in people’s private lives, Even within the GOP itself, reactions to was apparently pleased that the measure ately dubbed “BoehnerCare”, after the especially when it comes to something as the BoehnerCare proposal were mixed. would make oxycontin available on an hapless speaker of the House of Repre- personal as their health care. Unless we’re Metairie Congressman Steve Scasleaze over-the-counter basis. sentatives, because it did absolutely nothing talking about abortion. Or contraceptives. put out a press release announcing his As of MdM press time, few other de- and made no sense at all. Or fertility clinics. But otherwise, just give opposition to the plan, on the grounds that tails were available, in part because there As with most Republican proposals, me my Medicare check and stay out of “a few Democrats might benefit from is no BoehnerCare website. The speaker’s details were sketchy, but the plan will my doctor’s office!” BoehnerCare, which would promote their spokesman responded to this apparent apparently pay for unlimited visits to your Another feature of BoehnerCare is a radical liberal agenda.” oversight by stating, “We’re a bunch of old mama’s house. Physicians will have their national health care oversight panel con- Reached on his shoe phone – which white men, and we don’t use the Internet. rounds (of golf) subsidized, and insurance sisting of seven dwarves, each representing spends a lot of time in his mouth – by an You can only order BoehnerCare by phone. companies will have to accept patients with a different set of stakeholders. In fact, intrepid Monde de Merde reporter, Rep. And if you call in the next ten minutes, we’ll certain pre-existing conditions such as eyes some of the panelists have already been Scasleaze was asked if BoehnerCare could also send you two free bottles of Ryanide, and ears. Medications such as chicken identified. Representing physicians will be be fixed rather than just rejected outright. guaranteed to kill what ails you.”

– 7 – (Hard)Living Section: Entertainment Noise Career Regressive’s Award Performance Shocks

HOLLYWOODGROVE – Bobby “It’s like he was saying to everyone in on YouTube. Last night was clearly Da Guv’s attempt Jindal’s performance at last night’s VMA south Louisiana: ‘See how badly I want Of course, Jindal isn’t the first child star to send a message that he’s all grown up (Venal Malfeasance Awards) ceremony to screw you.’ Very sexy,” audience mem- to struggle with the transition to adulthood. now. Famed commentator Stephanie has set tongues wagging (and lolling and ber and past award winner Tony Hay- Fans remember fondly his early days as Grace agrees. hanging out) with a display that took even ward gushed after the show. a member of the Mike-y Louse Club. For “That was clearly a coming of age the normally jaded and jambalayaed bayou Most performers would have left it there, many, it is hard to separate the real Bobby moment for him,” she said. “Key word: spectators by surprise. “Da Guv” has long but the banger from Baton Rouge wanted from his beloved role as Humana Loui- coming.” cultivated a wholesome, family friendly to give his fans multiple climaxes so he pulled siana, a normal kid who led a secret life Don’t worry if you missed the big per- image; last night’s performance, though, off his leotard – getting nearly as naked playing the Secretary of Health and Hos- formance, though. A popular arts support was anything butt! as New Orleans in a tropical storm – and pitals and later President of the Univer- group, the Coalition for the Recognition “There was humping; there was thrusting; pulled in his old pal Big Oil for somewhat sity of Louisiana System. and Appreciation of Political Satire there was grinding. I’ve never seen any- sloppy seconds. Together they belted out “Hilarity was always a sure symptom (C.R.A.P.S.), will be offering a replay of one work so hard to bend over for Big the all-too-appropriate chart-topper of his hijinks,” chuckled another VMA the whole thing on the streets of the French Oil. #LubedUp!” the ever-glamorous “Blurred Lines” while Da Guv rubbed up award-winner, Ray Nagin, when we caught Quarter and Marigny the evening of Feb- James Gill, famous poli-tainment colum- and down on BO and finished off by up with him leaving his lawyers’ office. “He ruary 15. Come join the Beautiful People nist, tweeted after the show. bouncing his bantamweight backside up made it easy to laugh at the state healthcare and watch as Da Guv Goes T’Werk. Before the night’s corrupt cavalcade against BO’s best bulge. and education systems.” began, the buzz among the politerati on “Couldn’t have picked a better song,” the red carpet was that long-time Mal- blogged noted critic John Barry. “There’s feasance star Baby Gaga (AKA The Sin- blurred coastal lines, blurred legal lines and ator) would stop the show with a filibus- blurred responsibility lines.” ter performance. The big Baby has wowed Many viewers were taken off guard by in past VMAs with his scatological sketches the performance. and bawdyhouse burlesques, but this time “He laid it on pretty Thicke,” one Shell- it was Da Guv who stole the show – along shocked fan named Machelle wrote on with the hopes and dreams of his constitu- Facebook. “I don’t think I can ever look ents. at a politician in the same wide-eyed, girlish The scintillating sequence started idyl- way again. Maybe they’re not the role lically with wetlands critters – displaced models I always thought.” from their habitats – wandering aimlessly Even political insiders joined in the and innocently about the stage while some scuttlebutt. restoration chords played in the back- “Just embarrassing,” said Mitch ground. Then without warning, Jindal Landrieu, who himself has spent some time emerged from the belly of a beast and the under Jindal. “How am I supposed to tune changed. explain that to a clean, quiet little town like Sporting a leotard and a foam finger with my New Orleans?” the legend “Will Twerk for Oil”, Da Guv As the tumescent controversy swelled gyrated his way through a sassy rendition with excitement, sweeping across media of his smash hit “We Can’t Stop (Coastal in a rising tide, other fans rushed to Da Erosion)”. He strutted around the stage, Guv’s defense. whipping the marsh animals into frenzy, “I think it was hot and provocative. It as he shook his hips, licked his lips and really put the erection back in dereliction,” gestured provocatively with his big foam Guv groupie Garret Graves ejaculated in finger. an after-party interview posted this morning

– 8 – Spermes Teaches Ball Handling Skills The Big Bong Theory

ON THE HARDCOURT – NBA All- ball control techniques. He learned to go THE SMOKY WAY – Recently, the Bong. “Unfortunately, earthly scientists Star weekend (February 14-16) means the distance and finish strong.” Totally Orgasmic Krewe of Intergalactic don’t have instruments powerful enough two things: in-room champagne binges and Spermes’ patented approach empha- Ne’er-do-wells (T.O.K.I.N.) learned that to observe this (or to satisfy the Ne’er- excellent ball handling. While in town, many sizes working with two balls. Louisiana is in the forefront of a new trend do-wells), but our intergalactic sources of the league’s top stars will consult with “So many people focus on just one thing in education. The Louisiana Science have revealed that the planets in our so- local pros, the Krewe of Spermes, at their at a time,” Sack says. “First they want to Miseducation Act (S.B. 733) will ensure lar system are revolving around this Big special clinic, Spermes Goes Balls Out. palm it, then they want switch up and work that Louisiana will be a black hole that Bong in the Smoky Way galaxy,” said Spermes spokesman Harry Sack ex- on their stroke. But you have to mix it up continues to lead the country in the pro- Professor Darwin. plains that the krewe has been coaching to be effective. We make sure there are duction of seriously ignorant high school “`The Origin of Spacies’ is a work-in- the fundamentals of smooth ball handling always at least two balls in action. Sounds graduates. progress,” said Pole Dancer Darwin. “We and strong shooting for years. simple, but it’s important.” In signing the legislation, Governor are continuing to study the state legisla- “We helped ‘Pistol’ Pete Maravich earn Notable veterans of Spermes camps Booby Junkscience remarked, “We can ture. Our observations have revealed his nickname back when he played for include Earvin “Magic” Johnson, Patrick rest easy knowing that our young people evidence that the evolutionary process is the New Orleans Jizz,” Sack says. “He Spewing, Dork Nowitzki and prolific will no longer be corrupted by theories going in reverse in that barrel of monkeys.” wasn’t a big man, but he sure could shoot. scorer Wilt Chamberlain, who racked up of evolution and climate change and will In a related development, Brown Uni- He loved pressure. Pete rose to the oc- amazing statistics while double and triple enter the world totally unprepared to face versity announced that it would be rescind- casion whenever you put a ball in his hands. teamed. reality.” The governor noted that this law ing the governor’s degree in biology. That’s why he’s in the Balls of Fame.” “Wilt could do anything,” Sack says. works nicely with his school voucher pro- “We’re not sure how he got that degree,” “Pete kept everyone around him happy, “But he just dominated in the taint. There gram, adding, “Why should taxpayer said Biology Department spokesman too” Sack says. “He’d penetrate and dish. hasn’t been anyone else who could get dollars be wasted on schools that prepare Gene Poole, “but we suspect that it in- He took care of his wingmen. If they in there and bang like that. He lived at the children for careers in godless sciences? volved fraud.” weren’t getting their hands on Pete’s balls rim.” What proof is there that the earth is more The public is invited to partake of the they were cleaning up his rebounds. And In the last year, Spermes has been tu- than 6,000 years old, that it’s not flat, that educational elixirs of the profligate pro- on a good night, he’d go to the crossover toring rising New Orleans Pelicants seven- it revolves around the sun? We are of- fessors, salacious scholars, and titillating dribble and hook them up with a nice incher Anthony Davis. Since his one year fering parents the choice of sending their tutors of the Totally Orgasmic Krewe of backdoor cut. Guys really liked going stand at the University of Kuntucky, he’s children to schools with no discernible Intergalactic Ne’er-do-wells, who will be backdoor.” been best known as a cock-blocker, but educational curriculum whatsoever.” passing out vouchers and awarding diplo- As much as New Orleanians loved their the team’s trying to get him to change his Meanwhile, the Ne’er-do-wells were mas as they publicly matriculate at the Jizz, the franchise was moved to Utah, game. approaching the climax of their own study Krewe du Vieux parade on February 15. which is better known for youth devel- “The other guys are getting tired of that,” on the origins of the universe. Holding an opment, and Big Easy had to wait for the Pelicant’s coach “Full” Monty Williams agenda-heavy meeting in a smoke-filled C.O.A. STATEMENT transfer of the Charlotte Whore-Nets for said. “We’re moving balls around, get- abandoned schoolhouse, they decided the Le Monde de Merde is offered by pro action. But over the years many top ting a lot of touches, everything is going time had come to create the Academy of the Krewe du Vieux players and coaches visited the city in the great, and then Davis slaps balls right out Prurient Education (A.P.E.). “We cannot in the true spirit of Carnival as off-season to work with Spermes. Former of the building. We need more prick-and- let the governor monkey around with a venue for satire and Chicago Balls coach and tantric guru Phil rolls and lay-ups. He has to learn to let young minds, filling them with nonsense political comment. Jacksoff was a frequent visitor and sent the game come to him.” about Jesus and his pet dinosaur and let- The views herein may not reflect many of his players for one-on-one ses- Even team furry “Lucky” Pierre the ting them think that fossil dating is when those of Krewe leaders or all sions, including the league’s biggest dick, Pelicant is frustrated with the lack of pro- you go out with your mother’s best friend,” Krewe members. Dennis “Hotrod” Rodman. duction. said the newly-appointed HEADmistress They are designed to entertain and provoke thought. “We sent Rodman to get his shot un- “The guys are tired of blue balls,” Pierre and exotic dancer, Charmaine Darwin. Besides, ain’t none of us got der control,” Jacksoff says. “He’d get said. “It’s hard to pump up the crowd when “We have much groovier nonsense to nothin’ worth suing for that excited, start dribbling out of control and you’re team can’t score.” impart.” isn’t covered by a federal shoot anywhere. Spermes showed him “We want to make him a Ball-Star,” According to “The Origin of Spacies,” consent decree. how to hold back, be patient, not go too Monty says. “Everyone scores at the Ball- the semi-scientific paper released by early in the shot clock. It used to be a game Star game. There are going to be balls flying T.O.K.I.N., the universe was formed in All material ©2014 of spurts for him, but he learned valuable everywhere.” a cloud of smoke emanating from a Big by the Krewe du Vieux

– 9 – Travel Section Our Trip to Dizneylandrieu Mayor Man by Donna Jones, mommy blogger extraordinaire Lyrics by The Peaples He’s a real Mayor Man A trip to Dizneylandrieu had been a Starbucks on Canal Street for a vanilla because let me tell you, it wasn’t at all what Sitting in his Mayor Land family dream of ours for years. My hus- mocha frappachino (FTW!). Then we I expected from Dizneylandrieu. Shame Making all his Mayor Plans with band and I went there when we were a took a horse-drawn carriage ride through on them! The parade was LOUD and nobody lot younger. Gosh, we had so much fun the streets, listening to the colorful street VILE. Grandma’s hearing aid broke from Doesn’t want to listen to on the Main Bourbon Street with all the musicians and getting a wonderful history the noise and she almost had a heart at- Anybody’s point of view other conventioneers! But, it certainly lesson from the driver. Afterwards, we tack when she saw a giant male private Especially from you and me wasn’t the kind of place for children! Then stood in line for the special donuts at Cafe part coming down the street. I was just Mayor Man, please listen, much to our surprise, the past few years du Monde. Our matching t-shirts ended glad the kids were too young to get most You don’t know what you’re we started seeing all these amazing TV up positively covered with powdered of the jokes, many of which I wasn’t sure missing commercials and glossy magazine ads. sugar! (I just had to complain to the man- I got myself. The parade even made fun Mayor Man, some folks won’t jump at your command You know, the ones paid for by the oil ager about how sticky the floors were of people like the President and their company BP, about how it was different though. Yuck!) That night we went on the governor and one float, from the obscenely He’s as mean as he can be Thinks we’re all the enemy down there now that they had generously ghost tour and then returned to the hotel named Crew of SPANK, made fun of Mayor Man, learn how to infused millions of dollars into the place. early so we would be fresh for the swamp Mitch, the Mayor of Dizneylandrieu, which disagree From what I heard, a new man had been tour in the morning, when we took a bus I didn’t think was appropriate AT ALL. Mayor Man, don’t bully put in charge after that horrible natural for what seemed like forever for some AND, they perverted some of my favorite Listen to the people fully disaster - someone who really understood reason. Unfortunately, once we got there childhood characters into sex jokes. (I had Somebody else might even lend what a visiting family wants from a desti- everything was brown and we didn’t see a lot of explaining to do later because the you a hand nation: wholesome fun and education by a single croc! kids actually thought that part was funny. Doesn’t want to listen to day and a safe place to unwind without After that, the vacation went by like a Grrrrr.) Anybody’s point of view the kids at night. blur! We saw lots of music at night (in- To top it off, the locals in the crowd were Especially from you and me So we decided to take the plunge! We cluding a great Jimmy Buffet cover band!) almost as drunk as the people in the pa- Mayor Man, please listen bought an all-inclusive family vacation on the underground “locals Bourbon rade, some of whom behaved like they You don’t know what you’re package that included airfare, hotel, a ghost Street” called Frenchman Street, sans were quite possibly on drugs. We barely missing tour, and an authentic swamp tour - FOR kidlets, of course. We ate tasty jambalaya got through the first half hour before we Mayor man, some folks won’t A SONG! All we had to do was attend and even an outrageous “cajun” take on went back to the safety of our hotel, where jump at your command a presentation on a high rise timeshare meatloaf. Wild meals! There were lots of we ordered more cajun meatloaf and He’s a real Mayor Man condo on the Mississippi riverfront. We cute little shops with T-shirts that said clever watched The Skeleton Key on Pay-Per- Sitting in his Mayor Land thought it would be painful, but there was things like “I put ketchup on my ketchup”. View. Making all his Mayor Plans with nobody free child care and the PowerPoint was In one store my husband bought a zydeco Despite the horrible parade hiccup, we Making all his Mayor Plans with accompanied by a live native zydeco cd and a hot sauce it turns out is way too had an excellent time at Dizneylandrieu. nobody band! And the high rises were beautiful – hot for us. Shopping aside, our favorite And I know this may come as a shock Making all his Mayor Plans with just like Miami! We thought the neighbor- thing was joining in on the free daily “second to you – it definitely shocks our relatives nobody hood, called the “Foburg Mariny” might line” – an afternoon parade with a horn – but we just put a down payment on the be a little too edgy for us Midwesterners band that winds through the French Quar- riverfront high rise! I know, I know! We but after a few free cocktails hubby got ter. They gave us white Carnival Cruise were completely against it when we got brave and asked about it. The nice man Lines hankies to wave in the air every time! back to Dubuque. We made a vow not reassured us the neighborhood wasn’t OMG so much fun! Even the kids had a to answer any follow up calls, but we felt edgy but up and coming. A great invest- blast! bad about avoiding them, so we said we ment. We still didn’t sign anything. On our final morning, while standing in just couldn’t take part because of the Anyhoo, when we landed these nice line at Starbucks, we started chatting with Crew du Voo. They said, “Let us worry people from BP greeted us with colorful a local man about the Crew du Voo pa- about that. With all the money we’re putting plastic beads – right off the airplane! We rade that night. We decided that a parade into the area in the next few years, build- ended up wearing them everywhere we was a great way to end our trip, so we ing streetcars and new glass towers, you went in their beautiful but run down little said what the heck, let’s go. The man even can bet their local, lowbrow days are “French Quarter”. Of course, once we had some extra tickets, so we bought them numbered.” And we can definitely live with dropped off the bags, I bee-lined to a for only 25 bucks! Well, I wish we hadn’t, that!

– 10 – Sheriff Marlin Gusman Requests the Honor of Your Presence at The Last Dance at OPP Sponsored by the U.S. Justice Department and the Krewe of K.A.O.S. Saturday, February 15 – Immediately following the Krewe du Vieux Parade Tickets Available for Purchase

To gain admission, just do one of the following: n Public Urination n Back Talk a Police Officer n Disturb the Peace B.Y.O.L. and B.Y.O.D. (or purchase from our friendly guards) n Solicit for Prostitution/Crime Against Nature n Smoke a Joint Optional tour of Bourbon Street available Ain’t No Party Like an OPP Party! n Drive With Unpaid Jefferson Parish Traffic Tickets Dress: Orange jumpsuit will be provided for n Forget Your Seat Belt each guest. Belts and shoelaces prohibited. n Look Suspicious Absolutely No Cameras Allowed

– 11 – Tired of those other Dynasties like the Ming, Ottoman, Hapsburgs, and Tudors? From the 9th Ward, the most beloved bunch of dickheads to ever run a city! Join Moon, Mitch, Ray, and Marc This Space For Rent! as they screw up NOLA every week on: Monde de Merde editorial staff seeking extra money and/or sex, will rent this space to anyone with good finances and physique. References, measurements and hot tub interview required.

Don’t miss the fun “Miss Piggy Mary” Familiarity with satire and the written word preferred. has keeping these dicks happy and well fed in each episode! Email [email protected] Sponsored by MONDU

– 12 –