II iiiTitiTiffll50710000096555 ~ ~Aenecllone Per1odk: A1'20 .047 1812 9. 11 C.2 IIOUHOP~ 18n creative: characterized by originality; imaginative. VOLUME XI 1992 diversity: the fact or quality of being diverse: difference: variety: A publication of the Division ofHumanities and Student Affairs multiformity.
creativity + diversity =PERCEPTION S
-Thomas Kauke. Pam Niles. Kimberly Potts. Jason Rimeik
Diversity encompasses every aspect of the individual. It is what makes us different. unique. and intriguing. It makes life interesting - never boring. Diversity "speaks.. to the creative impulse of the mind. It opens the doors to other peoples. cultures. and worlds. It allows u s to not only see the uniqueness of ourselves. but also of others. Diver Gainesville College sity teaches the child in each of us to find his own "spark." his own A unit of the University light. his own dreams .... System of Georgia -Jason Bonner
Every writer and artist is unique: no other shares his or her vision. experiences. outlook. or insights. Yet from this great diversity of in dividuals comes art aimed at universality. The tension between such diversity and the desire to reach all other individuals produces a creative impulse. We hope that Perceptions reflects this impulse Gloria King Stoneware Sculpture and gives it space to flourish.
-Brad Strickland '1F THE DOORS OF PERCEPTION WERE CLEANSED EVERY THING WOUW APPEAR TO MAN AS IT IS, INFINITE." WILLIAM BLAKE Cover design by Kenny Sawyer Perceptions is a creative arts magazine publiShed by the Humanities DiviSion and Student Activities of Gainesville College to encourage the arts among students, faculty, and friends of the college. Some of the works publiShed here are the creative products of art and writing classes: others are contributions from friends of the creative arts.
All unsoltcited matertal and artwork should be accompanied by a stamped, self-ad dressed envelope. While care wlll be exercised in handling these materials, the edito rial staff cannot assume responsibility for them in the event of damage or loss. Submit all materials to Brad Strickland, Humanities DiviSion, Gainesvtlle College, Box 1358, Gainesville, Georgia, 30503.
Authors and artists retain all rights to their works reproduced in this publication.
Perceptions Stq[f:
Editor: Pam NOes
Art Editor: Beth Baltes
Assistant Editor: Kim Potts
Computer Entry: Ann Darby, Jason Rimelk
Editorial Staff: Jason Bonner, Chris Lambert, Frank McCoy, Matthew Bryan Paff, Matt Thompson
Faculty Advisors: Brad Strickland, Robert Westervelt
Special thanks to: The Anchor staff; The Engllsh Club; Sally Russell; Thomas Sauret; Barbara Thomas
FoR REFERENCE
NOT TO BE TAKEN FROM T HE ROOM
2 Todd Arnold 21 graphite Beth Balte• 1S watercolor ss pen and ink S6 stonew~: "'Tantrum" 4 7 computer graphic 55 pen and ink Julie Brown 41 watercolor Gina Byrd 26 compu.ter graphic Allcla Clark SIS stoneware: ..Cat" Andrea Cooper 44 oil JUI Greeson SIS stonew~: ..Bear" S6 stonew~: ..Mask" Kim Harper S graphite 7 graphite S6 stonew~: "Crab" Paul Bodo 11 graphite Gloria King 1 stonew~: ..Band" so conte SIS stonew~: ..Mask" S6 pofv(onn: '"Man" Georgannl.anlch 5 graphite SIS stonew~: '"Mountain Lion" SIS pofvfonn: ..Gazelle" Kenny Sawyer cover watercolor S6 stoneware: "Fox" Brenda Smith 2S pen and ink SIS stonew~: "Hand" SIS stoneware: ..Deer " S6 polllform.: ..Fox .. 42 pen and ink Kent Turpin 16 oil 29 pen and ink Wayne Vinson 36 stonew~ : ..Lion"
4 l.P®<§f£Tryr]
Clark Ada.ma 20 AMun:l Gary ke llerrltt 15 1ft urdco amfgo A.J. Kline 19 You•ue Got to LDoe Country Music Chrla Lambert 8 lfute Frank McCoy 19 doumtown 9 ForA. 19 for my pa.nmts 22 notebooks 22 o n creative writers 14 p rop het EWeNet.on 20 Mil .lfetamorphost. PamNllea 12 Beavan and Hawks 14 A 8leeoe Flapping in the Wfnd CWre Porter 8 Bear .lfoun tafn Kim Potta 10 The King 15 SWfmm.fng Lessons Paul J . Ramires 17 Good-¥ 8 Prfmaoera JuonRlmelk 12 What. a Gcun.e Matthew Rundell 18 Brother 22 Sina ofOmfssfon BaJbara T. 10 lntro.pectfon llatt Thompson 18 Atm. Wife•• Funeral 1-' Cof\/Ued
l.Prr®0~ ~ Chrla Lambert 31 m-..crThtetle JoAnne lla.rtln 48 ~ Child Within :a T.J. Peraona 3 7 .&(Justment Period qf the Apache 43 The Unknowing g Claire Porter 24 The Pompeffan Statue
8 Mute for A. by Chris Lambert Primavera by Paul J. Ramirez by Frank McCoy There is a song in the breast ashley has of the mute boy Andaba un dia por un bosque blue dreams and Y a un arbol note callado and soft pink pillows The Dream a solJloquy En medio del mes de enero on a puffy, little, satin bed in america by Kim Potts 1n the mouth Cuando fruto todavta no ha dado. of the tongueless Is this real john En mi recojimiento senti su via escondida she has terrorist eyes though and Y tras de sus ramas secas, or are we sleeping in the safe bed? and some dead friends Could we be in the house of our Father a pianist who's Descubri una esperanza de creacton and unable to wake until played as well Y bajo su sombra una buana acojida. as Beethoven and me we visit the dream world? his first try. El frio parecta haberlo dejado muerto, Paro el calor hizo resplandecer all this I cannot believe He sent us away. It comes down, Las flores y el dulce fruto de sus ramas: a contradiction Maybe we're safely tucked some of the time, Las bellezas y grandezas de un nuevo amanecerf of course deep in the blankets to luck, and in a woolly, little, white sweater of our heavenly home. the texbook is eventually forgotten. with blood red lips In painting, Bear Mountain that taste like candy poetry and by Claire Porter music, the vehicle fades into grey, Up through the brambled trails the Saab would go marks on paper landing on the underbrush twisted on and the method the scalp of the mountain. Pails grabbed, I'd throw takes second them in a pile on the ground, and yawn to message if it is good in sweet smells of blueberries soon to be plucked! My mother gathers me before I'm gone Not what aca demia calls inside the mossy mazes and grey stone. good or what "Bang the pails, sweet!" So romping, I would slam drunken poets call good or the empty tins, singing "Oh no! No, no! mother or the the bear can't catch mel" Secretly longing girl beside you, but to see his bared yellow fangs in a doze! what leaves Dashing inside a grove, I saw a fawn. you with nothing Its head left a dent in the briars, moist and everything where blood congealed, and the bear had rejoiced. to say
8 9 Introspection by Balbara T.
Gentle and untrustlng As a doe Who never strays too Far from protective cover Alone She stands and stares For what seems an eternity Her gaze unwavering As nearness approaches She bounds for cover of safety The King by Kim Potts Independent and courageous in battle Circle above me As a Mountain Lion gliding-rising and falllng Who proudly hunts and roams close yet far away. In hJgh. mountainous terrain hovering and waiting for my fall. Where the land is often Want:iDg my glory Barren and rocky but it can't be taken. Always tn solitude It iS a never-ending circle of feathers. Passionate and intensely alive As a smoldering volcano Who has lain dormant For what seems ages Ready to erupt And consume With red-hot lava flow
Undaunted as the Wild Rose Who grows in lonely. deserted Places with only the earth to nurture Whose prickly vtne clings And covers I As if for warmth and love l Whose tenuous flowers have a fragile. i WUd beauty i Distinctly their own j I I !' t I i i I I 10 PaulHod.o Graphite Heaven and Hawks byPamNUes
One summer eve after the funeral, I stared out the window watching the aerial show.
The brown bombers soared through the air then dove down like B52s searching for prey.
But there were no animals playing in the grass, no bushes, no trees, no masterpieces.
Somewhere along the way they escaped.
My eyes followed the hawks as they traveled upward. The heavens were still but allowed the flickering heat through.
Once again, both dominating a sun fllled day. What, a Game by Jason Rlmelk
Black and White, squares that are to be traversed I always start first; I always finiSh last, When I finish at all.
Life picks me up, Moves me around. Life puts me down. Life mostly puts me down. I must sit opposite those whom I oppose. I am forced to clash with them, conquer them, destroy them.
Why? Why must I be a pawn 1n this mas terful game?
12 Confused A Sleeve Flapping in the Wind by Matt Thompson byPamNlles From across the room, he saw her. Walking down the boulevard He studied her features. she almost mated with a She seemed so different, but how could she? Southern Bell pole He said that of everyone. while checking out the backside Something stood out, something he could not of the finest specimen of the male gender. put a finger on. Her eyes? Her face? Her lips? The Levis fit snugly Her actions? Now there was a on his tooty booty possibility, maybe she acted differently and she felt a tingle than the others. shoot through her body He glanced at his watch, five minutes coming to rest in her loins. had passed, yet she was the only thing that had entered his mind. He turned to the front and His mind reeled, "But she was so different," "ooh yeah" seeped through or was she? her teeth as she eyed the goliath sized bulge.
Then she noticed the one prophet sleeve flapping in the wind by Frank McCoy as if motioning to come closer.
and suppose jesus is having a bad day. Lowering her head she pushed onward like wildfire running through a forest he has looked into the vacant eye of them and never noticing the familiar face sees only his reflection. she knew ten years ago. he has told them 1t will be o k and that he or something will help them. but he doesn't believe that anymore. he is frustrated among the others now. because they are the same, only smiling. Mi unico amigo he thought it would be a mathematical equation by Garry ke Merritt or perhaps a musical phrase.
he is hungry for something Los cielos tlenen todo de mts ptensamtentos y que profundo aveces son. driving home every day looking all around wtth Nodie mas puede saber sobre mi corazon his car doors locked and the windows closed tight hertdo ni m1s secretos callados. looking everywhere. Mi vida con amor, mi vida con dolor, searching .... pero ahora estoy mejor porque solo confio en las nubes. Estamos enamorados.
14 15 downtown by Frank McCoy
in bohemia Swimming Lessons the men are named for dead by Kim Potts symbolist poets and the women are named for ammals It slowly licks the sides A shiny penny on the bottom in bohemia Quiet- she is cool as pain and death with metaphysical black hair The smell of humidity and sweat- it is hot and still. 1n bohemia In the distance a train goes by. words are shadow puppets that painters take out in rages Suddenly they are here in screaming, little, black sketch books A wave of future fish clinging to their parents. I am ready. in bohemia the poets are killing the moon The bathtub is waiting -• in matinees The fish are dry 1-2-3 Reach the copper penny. in bohemia we are peeping keyholes in the wee wee hours burning extle candles in the names of saints, assassins and chlldren
in bohemia I am finished with love and silence I vanish Into some dark, sweet. secret. earth forever Good-bye by Paul J. Ramirez in bohemia I am enormous and eternal as grace and disease To those that have not seen canymg sadness like a song tn my chest The wonder of such reality. For many death seems mean, And life nothing much but formality.
Now the sun sets. to begin darkness: To end the light of our day without yield, Never to rise again the same awareness That Its rays shed softly on the field.
Awake, sleep no more and stay standing. For sweet sleep later will be landing.
17
Kent Turpin Oll for my parents by Frank McCoy
jesus was arrested yesterday In athens, ga, for writing ambiguous prose
they called it public drunk and ptssing the the street
but, I knew better You've Got to Love and I know that soon he will be cruCified by Matthew Rundell Country Music Ftnnly footed on the ground they will take him ln the night and burn by A.J. Kllne Serious and stable all his notebooks Everything in black and white You've got to love country music... Lying on the table he iS different Homer did and the singer of Beowulfs Push aside the foolishness deeds, Reason to the letter and 1t becomes necessary to kill all of Who sang from men's bones and their guts Strong and selfless those And their needs. Man of steel who matter at some point I think I know you better You've got to feel country music... they k111 you Kings did and swineherds and poor Grendel wept and santa claus At those well-wrought words of promises made and all the other good ones And promises kept. At His Wife's Funeral by Matt Thompson You've got to know country muSic ... What it iS and isn't and can be when right. He stared on in disbelief, Not tricky or dull when It cuts black-clothed figures passed before him. To the soul like a light. He looked at her wedding band in his hand, the worn gold You've got to hear country music . . . scratched etches from difllcult times. Homer and Hank rtng in your mind and He stood quietly, each word bnnglng pain, sorrow. your heart His mind wandered back Like the bell that tolls at the end to the fishing trip, the argument. Or the cry that signals the start. He sheltered 1n the fact that only he knew. Perhaps he should tell, You've just got to trust country music... each word stung at his ears. When a thousand years pass and they look He tried to speak, his voice gone. back at us The door was shut and covered, And scan all the vinyl and tapes that aren't the lie trapped within. dust, A new Homer will conjure a new song of this tlme From Waylon and WUlie and Haggard and Prtne.
18 19 Absurd? by Clark Mama
My existence. it seems, has been troubling me: What purpose 1s there 1n this absurdity?
Freedom 1s my condemnation: My Metamorphosis Liberty. my dedication. by Elsie Nelson The world is shackled in creeds outdated: Yesterday, I was born The bulk of mankJnd so fervently sedated. Today. I live Tomorrow. I die A passionate skeptic, I remain awake; My cause for l.Mng. not that easy to make. Yesterday, I crawled Today,Iwalk Oft tt 1s pleasures that gtve life some worth: Tomorrow, I stumble Struggles for comfort. knowledge. and mirth.
Yesterday, others cared for me But the lusting, the laughing, the Iovtng, the Today. I care for others learntng Tomorrow. my care reverses again Don't produce the direction that I am yeamtng.
The cycle of my life, It's an indtfferent world of which rm a part BeginS--Rises- -Falls Wit nefarious terror, hardness of heart. My 1lnal metamorphosis will end tt all Often tortuous. though, I cannot disguise: Look forward, I not. my own demise.
Through all of the madness, the pain, and the strife, The only reason for Uvt.ng . . . is LIFE.
20
Todd Arnold Graphite Sins of Omission on creative writers by Matthew Rundell by Frank M cCoy Words unsaid Hound around me I do not understand Untold words and lessons this need to talk about it. Have done more harm Than any speeches given It just hurts me, like Kind words neglected a yellow sun in november. Can't be resurrected And the cold floods in I have watched them To my silent soul With their notebooks having to hide myself and run away.
There iS something Notebooks cold about them. by Frank McCoy
They do not seem to I have 1000 dream the same as me. notebooks full of bad directions I just don't understand it. really. and nothing as lmportant as writers. I mean. a toothbrush or a tire iron
22 The girl's hairwas cropped and blond. drinks, and she giggled while one The lPGmp 24 25 broom handle from one hand to the steps to J es, and the glowing anns pink wine in her small hands. Jes turned her back and took off other, she smiled at her nerves. It's surrounded her for at least ten sec "I hope you like red Wine. It was her clothes. She could feel Nikki's just casual, casual. Walking into onds. cheap." eyes on her. She tried to pull in her the kitchen, she hummed "You Send "I almost hit a cowf Mooooooot" Then Nikki's smile disappeared. stomach as her underwear came off. Me." Jes giggled at Nikki's cow noises. "You do like to drink, don'tyou? I do "Jest You're a Greek statue!" J es walked around the house, She asked Nikki to please come in. . . . " Nikki said, "but only around Jes smiled at Nikki, but she felt her examining objec~ that Nikki would The sky had darkened and it friends." whole body blushing. She took see. things her parents had collected rumbled. Jes watched Nikki shop "Oh yeah. me too." Nikki's hand and drew her into the on trips to different countries. On and look up at the black clouds. Jes sat a foot from Nikki on the woods toward the lake. the ledge over the fireplace was her "Oh, I like rain!" said Nikki. "Don't couch. She could see the statue When they got to the edge of the father's collection of miniature stat you hope it rains? You seem like you sitting on the mantle. They drank water, Nikki cannonballed in. Jes ues and carvings. The ones hidden would, Jes." more and more, the thunder growing went in slowly, edging along the slick in the back were the nudes. Since no ""Yeah, I do actually ...especially more guttural around them. Jes clay bottom until she felt the end of one else was there, she pushed the when it thunders." wondered if Nikki could see the statue theshelfwithhertoes. Then, she did front pieces to the side and looked at Jes followed Nikki inside. Nikki too. a breast stroke toward Nikki. Nikki the naked ones. David and a stocky looked around the house, asking Nikki's amber eyes became hot and was farther out than Jes had real man by Gauguin were there, but questionsaboutpaintlngs,Udnke~. swung from one object to another in ized. As she watched Nikki thrash, these weren't the ones she was look and the antique furniture. Jes's legs the room. Nothing seemed to be able she thought of all the wine Nikki had ing for. Then she saw it. It was tingled as Nikk1 stopped to look at to hold her attention. Jes saw that drunk. One minute. Nikki would do coated with dust. She blew on it and the carvings over the fireplace. Nikki Nikki's hand was about to crush the a thrashing crawl and the next, she the particles dispersed into the air picked up the Gauguin and laughed. glass she held. would be gasping and sinking. Jes likesparks. ltwasaminiaturestatue putting it down. Nikki's face shined Nikki's eyes landed on the sliding moved through the water more from Pompeii of two women twisted as she looked at the Pompeiian sculp glass door which faced the lake. She quickly. around each other, one with her ture. Nikki's forefinger traced the got up and leaned her back against "You all right. Nikki?" head against the other's knees. She curves. stopping at the hips of each the door. "Oh please, you think I don't know followed their curves, stopping at woman. Jes was suddenly bom "Is that the lake down there? how to swim-" each dimple. barded by Nikki's wide eyes. "Yes." On the word swim, Jes saw Nikki Jes left the sculp "Isn't it wild!" Nikki Jes saw millions of tiny kno~ come choke on a gulp of water. Nikki ture when she heard said. loose in Nikki. started coughing that terrible chok Nikki's car coming Jes could only smile .. Wanna go down there?" Nikki ing cough of someone starting to down the driveway. back. her lips quiver hummed. panic. Jes moved faster as she saw J es came out on the ing. "O.K.-" that Nikki had choked on another porch in time to see The flashes in Nikki's Before J es had finished speaking, gulp of water. Jes felt her heart the Rabbit jerk to a eyes were so bright it Nikki was pulling back the door and thumping fast. halt a few feet from was like stars being re running outside. Jes followed Nikki "Nikki stay still. If you stay still I the gate. The motor flected. In a b~ the to the edge of the short wood which can swim you in." cut off. J es Jumped stars were gone and led to the lake. The thunder crackled. "Fuck you. I don't need help. I can as the door opened. Nikki turned away from Nikki began undressing, jes stood swim." "Christ!" Nikki said, Jes to look in her back there, mouth open, as Nikki's pointed But even as Nikki said this. she Jumping out of the car, pack. When Nikki breasts appeared. was bobbing and wheezing and Jes "what a road!" turned back toward Jes, "Come on Jest It feels so wonder saw fear in her eyes. Nikki went up the GlDa Byrd Computer there was a bottle of full" Jes realized what she was going to 27 26 have to do. When she got to Nikki, around Nikki's waist. she clasped her hands together and "You saved me," said Nikki, her brought them down hard on the face aimed at the mud. back of Nikki's head. She caught "Of course I did." Nikki's body as it went limp and, "Do you love me?" Nikki's eyes with shaking hands, slipped cold bombarded Jes again. neck into the crook of her arm. On "Yes. I do. I want you." Jes the shore, Jes held Nikki around the thought her head would explode at waist, thrusting her fists into Nikki's this confession. '!hen she saw Nikki's gut. Nikki retched, water coming lips curl up. out of her mouth. It looked horrible "I can't right now," Nikki said. to Jes. "I know. .. I mean I didn't expect "Oh God." Nikki said. you ..." Jes flushed hard and Nikki "It's all right," said Jes. laughed a weak belly-laugh. They "Hold on to me!" said Nikki. got up slowly and started toward the "I am holding on to you." house, but Jes had a question bum Jes felt Nikki's purple fingers grip ing inside her. She squeezed Nikki's ping her thighs. arm tight. "Stay near me! Stay near me!" "Did you know all this time that I . "I'm here. I am." Jes stroked .. wanted to be with you?" Nikki's muddy hair. Jes starred as Nikki drew back her "O.K." lips. showing the top row of white The shaking stopped afterJes had teeth. Then she felt Nikki's cold held Nikki for a long time. She sat fingers wrapping around her hand, beside Nikki, keeping her arms leading her up into the woods. ** 28 Kent Turpin Pen & ink by Chris Lambert I met her at an abortion debate. myself avoiding the cracks in the There she was leaning in the door sidewalk and averted my eyes to the way, arms pulled close. The hair shop Windows. was long and dish water blond. She "So, where do you stand on the wore two or three layers of make-up abortion issue?" she asked smiling base that made her face shiny, and a as if she didn't take her own ques post orgasmic shade of lipstick so tion seriously. red that evecy time you looked on her "Where do I stand? Well, for choice." your eyes inevitably fell on those I smiled, not taking my answer seri lips. It annoyed me, the fact that I ously. It all seemed extraneous, couldn't take my eyes off her and the irrelevant. I stood for a fuck, and a lipstl.ck, but the overall picture was kiss, and a little companionship, pleasant, and after all, with a little and occasionally, talk. Sometimes prodding I could probably talk it off you wanted somebody to agree or her, kiss it off or at least, flick the disagree or maybe just listen as you lights out. picked the world apart. as you diag She was in my periphecy and I in nosed the pestilence and then dis hers. The speakers rattled on and missed it all as trivial. I didn't ask even when I tried to listen I couldn't her where she stood and she didn't make out their words. I leaned up offer information. It didn't matter. sticking my nose just inches from We read each other's faces in the her ear. No matter how I tried I silence and laughed. It was under couldn't get the Freud out of my stood. She would be out by morning head: nose and ear, coitus. The so I could make the bed. correlatl.on was so obvious. "I like to pass the tl.me easily with .. I think they should promote mas music and wine," she said just like turbatl.on as a form of contracep that. It was at this moment that I tion," I said. She nodded and laughed realized I didn't know her name. It in a low voice. Perhaps a little too didn't actually matter. We could've much testosterone, I thought. ..Ya continued like this. come to these functions often?" I "I'd have to say I like that too: said. Ignoring my choice of words. music and wine. What's your name?" "Only when I'm in need of an ac ..Vera, and yours?" quaintance." She smiled, made eye "Arthur." contact, and walked out. I followed ..Well, tell me, Art, is there a place and we walked together. I caught we can grab a drink around here?" Gloria King: Conte 31 - "Yeah, right down Fifth. This way... him offonto the dance floor. I turned the living room, sur- feeling the texture of I took her to the Delraye Saloon tn relief. and her image fell away. veyed and laid across her mouth; and then, and the dark hall smoothed the edges Staring at my own reflection for the couch. kissing harder. wet- of her appearance almost changing awhile and then finally refocusing, I .. Come here, Art. Sit ttng the lips. I sucked her to something new. We drank concentrated on the bar: The lights, down." at whatever my tongue beer as the barflies and bimbos the neatly placed bottles. and the .. Ok," I said. She found, putting my played across the mirrors in the pink cigarettes of different sizes and col liftedherlegsandthen hand to her belly. and blue neon. ors burning in metallic ashtrays. placed them on mine. From here I followed "So Art, do you always pick up your Faces stared; countenances of indif '"Where's the music?" the fine hair that women at places like that?" ference that looked beyond the room she said. I moved, but trailed from the ster- .. No. Usually at places like this... I or that concentrated inwardly, never she pressed my legs num to the navel while motioned with my beer. "And your meeting my eyes. They laughed, with hers. unzipping myself. I men?" spit, pinched, and drank, all adding "I'll get tt. Sit." took her quickly, "It depends. I don't just walk out to the rising sound in my head. I "Yeah, maybe just a , avoiding her face. Oc- with anyone. I always have a certain noticed Vera and the toy man she little something." / casionally, I glimpsed kind in mind." dragged around the dance floor, and "Something to help Beth Baltes Pen a: lDk her eyes. clouded, di- "As in?" stifled my irritation with three fast with lulls in conversation," she said lated, unable to focus on me or the .. First off, I notice the eyes, the gulps of beer. I'd known her for a and straddled my mid-section as tfit room. Just before I finished a muscle mouth, and how they move. It's all short while, but the feeling came was the most natural thing for her to spasm seemed to tear the bottom of right there on the face." still. I considered the time we'd do. my foot out. It pulled me off the ..Anything on my face?" spent a promise. She tapped my .. I like this piece. Nice," I said. couch and I stood erect on one leg, ..A mouth like an asshole: a school shoulder. "Yes, Ipickeditforhervoice. Eliza- massaging the knotted muscle. teacher's mouth. Tight." With this .. Art, let's go. Maybe we can dance beth Fraizer, isn't it?" Shortly after she sat up, coming out her whole manner changed. Doctor somewhere else." "Yes." of her daze. She hadn't noticed my to patient. the conversation became ..Are you sure?" I said. "Always reminds me of Marilyn predicament. dangerous, so I cut the analysts short 'Td like to go ... Monroe's birthday song to J .. F.K.," "Where'sthebathroom?" she asked by ordering a beer and looking away. "I won't be taking you away from she said throwinghershouldersback without looking at me. "Look at them," Vera said, grab anything?" and closing her eyes until they were .. Down and to the right... Disap bing my shoulder and pointing to .. No, no. Just somewhere else." slits. Her mouth hung open for a pearing she left me with the three wards a crowded platform. We walked out and after finishing a moment before she sang. "HAAAPPY o'clock sun. The shadows were nice "What, the dancers?" few beers bought at a comer store, BIRfHDAYTO YOU, HAAPPYBIRIH- at three, accenting everything per "Yes. see her in the blue flopping ended up at my apartment. I didn't DAY TO YOU .. . ," she stopped to fectly. I even fit into the picture at around." think to ask. I just went up and she laugh leaned in and kissed me. I three. Vera reappeared. .. What?" followed. I stuck the key in and she relaxed: I could close my eyes and be "Awfully neat," she said smiling. "Watch her. What do you think?" came to mind. The last girl I brought rid of her. A kiss was the best place "What?" "She's nice," I said. home. Black-headed Alicia with a to hide, so I pushed hard to prolong '"The apartment." .. Wanna dance?" fake beauty mark and nostrils that the encounter, subtle at first, not "Oh, thanks." "No, I'd rather drink." almost let you count her nose hairs. wanting to penetrate her mouth too .. I noticed you comb the carpet on .. Ok. I'll dance." Vera pranced away More Freud. Key and keyhole. deeply. I took her chin in my fingers your toilet seat," she said almost and placed her hand on the knee of Ashamed of the preoccupation, I and guided her head, cocking it to laughing. an unsuspecting drunk. She collected myself and pushed the door the left and right, kissing lightly, .. No, I don't." She sat on the couch mouthed some words and pulled open. Vera slipped between me and dry-lipped, from comer to comer, and I stood in front of her. I thought 32 33 of the loss of my virginity at 14. We Every time I tried to sit I felt invis ended up in a used car parking lot ible palisades poking at my rear, so between a Pacer and station wagon. 1 stood. I couldn't remember it ever I'd discovered masturbation only being quite this hard. It was 3:10 weeks before after a wet dream in P.M. and I noticed that Vera didn't fit volving one of the ugliest women I'd into the picture. She was sloppy and seen. It seemed like the proper the smeared lipstick hadn't worn off. progression: my hand for a girl. It As a child she had probably colored was over in minutes. I remember outside the lines habitually. I wanted thinking of masturbation and how to pluck her like Queen Anne's Lace Gloria King ..Mask " much easier it was. I'd worked out or Blessed Thistle and arrange her in ways of entertaining myself with a vase. I wanted her nice and neat. Allcla Clark ..Cat" imaginings. The girls were always "It might be a good idea for you to better in my head. The flesh and go now, Vera. I'm feeling ill," I said JUt Greeson ..Bear" voice made it too real. There was blankly, no energy for melodrama. always something to correct, to pol She stood. smiled, moved across the ish with the hand. With the first room and was gone without a word. word, touch. I saw a rock for the I had turned her off like a television, sculpture. Something to be refined pissed on her little flame of exis to an unnatural beauty. tence. It was getting harder to bring them home now. ** Brenda Smith "Deer" Brenda Smith ..Hand " Georgann Lanlch ..Gaz elle" 34 35 Georgann Lanlch ..Moun tain Lion" AdJustment Pe1fL~d ~1 the Apache by T.J. Persons Soon the orderly came out of the "Excuse me, sir?" Beth Baltes ""Tantn.lm" office. "You may go in now, sir, but "Gunner was transferred." be careful," cautioned the orderly. "Whys. .. ?" "He's moody today." Adams was quick to cut him off. Captain William .. Stallion" Grafton "It's none ofyour concern," he said. Brenda Smith polyfonn: "Fox" stiffened as he checked his uniform "Your new co-pilot is first Lieutenant one last time for the defects the Kelly Jaars, call sign 'Gander.'" colonel was sure to find. Satisfied, "Is he any good, sir?" he stood and walked into the office. "She is vexy good." Standing stlfily at attention before Grafton's voice quivered: " She, the colonel's desk he stared, eyes sir?" forward, at the portrait of the army's "Yes, she. Congratulations 'Stal special attack helicopter, commonly lion'; in thirty years of this outfit you known as the Apache, which hung will have the first woman co-pilot behind and slightly above Colonel this outfit has seen." Doug Adams. .. 1 beg your pardon, sir, b .. :· Adams muttered a barely audible stoneware: "Crab" "Are you going to have a problem, "at ease" and resumed reading a Captain?" said Adams. his voice report. Grafton stood at ease and rising to an octave just below yell began to examine his commanding ing. officer. noting the square cut hair "With all due respect, sir, but yes. Kenny Sawyer and immaculate uniform. After a stoneware: ..Fox " I have a wife and son." Jill Greeson couple of minutes, Adams looked up "What does your family have to do stoneware: ..Mask" and cleared his throat. with this situation?" .. Well Grafton, how was your trip?" "lfs just that I don't want to have "It was enjoyable, sir," Grafton my life endangered because a woman commented. couldn't make a life and death deci "Are you ready to take the Apache sion in a split sec. . . " back through her paces?" Adams -rHATWILLDO, MISTER!" boomed asked. Adams, bringing Grafton to immedi "Yes sir." ate attention. "You will work with "Well, you'll have to do it with this woman and get along with her another co-pilot," Adams said. as ifyou were living with her, whether 37 GJorlaKlng ..Man" Wayne VInson ..Lion" 36 you like it or not. and you will make the bad mood that the colonel al at and is quite effective against most "Maybe I don•t want to get picked sure that the other men do the same. ways managed to inspire. He gradu vehicles but will not penetrate the up." and if you ever make another com ally became aware of the youthful thick frontal annor of a main battle "Aw. come on now. you look like ment like that. I, personally will kick lieutenant who had been staring at tank." you need a good time." the pilot said your ass around your ears." Adams him for the past few minutes. "I see you have done your home as he sat down adjacent to her. regained his composure and added • "Captain Grafton... Jaars said with work," Grafton said. Jaars saw that Grafton was going to "Ifmy wife had heard that comment. a salute. "Yes sir, I am quite familiar with make no attempts to intervene. It she would have already done the "Yes. what can I do for you." the.. ... appeared to her as if he was mildly chore and probably would have "rm Lt. Jaars. sir." "That's enough. Okay. maybe the amused as she adjusted herself in kicked mine for having you on the "Who?" said Grafton as he squinted colonel didn•t screw up quite so the chair to meet this threat. base." through glazed eyes. badly," Grafton said. "Want a drink "I was having a good time without "But. . . " "Your new co-pilot. sir." lieutenant? You must be out of I you. thank you." "That will be all, Captain. You are Grafton gestured for her to be breath after that little documentary." The pilot reached out to grab her dismissed." seated. "Yes sir. thank you. .. J aars was wrist. "Yes sir. .. Grafton spun around and "Is this your first trip up in an confused. She had expected him to "Now calm down litt... .. was halfway out the door when Apache. Ueutenant?" Grafton asked. test her but hadn•t expected to drink That was as far as he got for J aars Adams spoke. "rve had over 200 hours in the with him. She didn't respect most in adjusting herself had raised her "Oh. and by the way. next time simulator. but in the actual bird, men in the military simply because foot and thrust it into the arrogant you·re in my office with scuff marks yes, sir." they didn•t respect her for what she pilot's crotch. The pilot released her on your shoe. rll have you written "Well. what do you know about the did. She was beginning to feel un wrist as ifit were burning and thrust up. Good day... army's most advanced helicopter?" sure about herself in front of this his hand between his legs as he As Grafton closed the door he looked "She was actually built for tank man. Grafton signaled for the wait pushed the chair away. Grafton had down at his spotless shoes and warfare where she would sit behind ress. been curious as to what Jaars was muttered. "The sorry bastard ... a hill and be able to launch a missile "What will you have?" asked the up to when she adjusted herself and Quickly. he walked out of the build with the accuracy of penetrating the waitress. had leaned back In his chair to look ing wishing for all the world he was muzzle of a tank without ever being "rll have a Tom Collins... replied below the level of the table when somewhere else besides Fort Mitch seen by the enemy. She is heavily Jaars. Jaarshadmadehermove. Themess ell, "Home of the Apache... anned withAGM-114AHellflreAnti "How about you. Captain?" had fallen silent and all eyes turned Lt. Kelly "Gander" Jaars walked tank missiles. a semi-active laser "rll have another margarita, salt toward the group as the pilot. trying into the Officers· Club hoping to meet homing missile with a annor pierc the rim." to catch his breath attempted to get her new pilot. She was a very attrac ing warhead capable of taking out They were waiting in silence for up. tive woman and very smart. She had the Russians· main battle tank, the their drinks when a pilot came over Rising to his hands and knees, the graduated at the top of her class and T-74; 2.75 inches folding fin aerial from the bar. He appeared to be pilot gasped, "Captain. you·re a wit had achieved a lot for her age of rockets. which contain a high explo egged on by a group he had just left. ness.. . I would like to press charges... twenty-four. sive, fragmentation type warhead but Jaars could see his attitude Grafton smiled and said. "It ap She fmally spied the only captain quite effective against ground troops: carried him most of the way. pears to me. young man, that you in the mess and eased her way over. AIM-9L Sidewinder air to air mis "Hey Captain. how's it going?" had your balls in a bind and the Grafton was brooding over his drink, siles which homes in on the heat of "It's going. What do you want?" Lieutenant here helped you unbind trying to figure out how to get ot of ariyaircraft: and the advanced 30mm "I just wanted to pick up the little them. .. Then his look turned seri the mess Colonel Adams had put chain gun mounted under the nose lady here." ous. "I might suggest you leave. and him in and had decided that getting of the helicopter. The gun is unique Grafton looked at her for a re when we fly mock air to air battle, I totally shitfaced might get him out of as it aims at whatever the pilot looks sponse. will try to restrain my co-pilot here 38 39 from actually trying to shoot you night," said Jaars. down. Dismissed." .. Okay, be on the pad at 05:00." The pilot turned to leave whenJaars ..Yes sir. Thank you for the drink." saw Grafton take on a stern, yet Jaars got up, saluted, turned, sa- almost playful look. luted the Colonel as he arrived, and "Youngman, I suggest you stand at left. attention and salute a higher ranked Colonel Adams returned the salute officer before trning your back, or I and stood beside Grafton for a will shoot you down myself." moment. "Heard you had a problem, The pilot painfully turned around Grafton." to stand at what resembled atten "Me, sir? No. No problem at all." tion and made a half attempt at a "'When we're back here, don't call salute. me sir, and you know what I mean," "Don't forget to return the lady's Adams said, indicating Jaars as she shoe if you ever find it." walked out the door. At this the crowd roared with laugh 1b.e new co-pilot?" Grafton said. ter as the pilot limped out of the "She just helped a pilot who needed mess. help adjusting himself." "I beg to say sir, but you were a bit "She has an interesting way ofdoing harsh don't you think?" it." "Not quite as bad as you were." "It's unique, that's for sure." Grafton "I guess you're right," Jaars laughed. laughed. "I hope the rest of the flight at the They were enjoying their drinks bar don't need adjusting, or the when Colonel Adams walked in. He Apaches will never fly straight again." walked over to the bar and got a beer, .. I doubt they will." looked around, and after spying At that they both chuckled and them, he sauntered over. took a swallow from their drinks. "Sir, I think I will retire for the ** 40 The Unknow~n9 by T.J. Persons He raised his head and starred perk her great head up and face one groggily at what the world held for direction, her nose smelling some that morning. His standing up to thing they had yet to recognize. Then stretch his two-year-old bulky body she would take off in the other direc was all the advantage his sister tion. her youngsters in quick pur needed to try for the ground held by suit. her slightly lighter-colored brother. Their stomachs were rarely With a snarl and snapping of fangs ever full, and when the opportunity he shook off his sister's attack and to stuff themselves arose, they felt forced the smaller bear to give frustrated that their mother would ground. It was really no great feat, ruin the occasion by performing this since his sister was considered to be cowardly act. Often when she be a runt by nature's standards. haved in this manner, the male cub He was just in the process ofcharg wanted to satisfy his curiosity by ing his sister to finish playing the following up and seeing just what game when his mother appeared. To petrified his mother. But this curi him his mother was a literal black ous nature would change quickly giant. Weighing close to five hundred when he remembered exactly how pounds, she was capable of taking big his mother was, compared to his onjustaboutanytlllng.Shegrunted smaller, immature body. This be and walked between them to quiet havior of his mother. however, only them down. lasted throughout fall. and when the Both of her offspring. now on the white stuff fell from the sky she l i verge of adulthood, had noticed a would become relaxed and begin ~ change in her at the time the leaves looking for a place to sleep out the fell. Alert at all times, now she would white season. For the moment he I suddenly become nervous for no decided the best way was to keep a i reason at all. Her mood change had weary eye on his mother and follow happened on more than one occa her course of action whenever she 'I sion. In their travels the group would acted suspiciously. find a huge ant mound, or find a Just as mother stepped between I cache of nuts long forgotten by some them to break up their play. he stole squirrel, or find a carcass and be on the opportunity to charge between l • the verge of gorging themselves silly her legs to seek some sort of playful I when their mother would suddenly revenge on his sister. Before he Brenda Smith Pen & ink 43 knew what happened, his mother as the others. cuffed h1m with such force that he He had not realized how far he had sailed, much to the delight of his grazed from the others when he sister, through the air before im smelled the scent that usually sent pacting with breath- driving force tremors down his mother's body. It upon the hard ground. was faint so he just raised his head He rose from the ground to look around, for he did not want to thankful that after two years ofrough ruin his feast by alanntng his Mother. play he had become accustomed to He could barely distinguish a spot such abuse so he could take a lot of where the leaves had been kicked punishment. aside. How odd, he thought, that His mother began walking away whoever did this did not eat any of with his younger sister in tow. He the nuts, for they were there as plain was quick to catch up, recovering as day. It looked like whoever had from his mishap at the same time. been there had just sat down on top He and his sister ran ahead of their of the exposed nuts, had waited, wary mother to satisfy their curios then gotten up and left. ity. But they would only get so far Oh well, he decided, whoever's before the insistent grunting of their work it was, he would benefit. He mother would bring them back. He was in the process of licking up the began to feel impatient with his nuts when the scent became stronger mother, and he sensed that his sis and left a bad feeling throughout his ter felt the same way when mother whole body. Whoever this strange steered them towards a small group creature was, he had not belonged of beech trees. here; therefore, the cub felt he did It had been a good year for beech not belong, either. He slowly backed nuts, and all that had to be done was away before turning to run to his to cuff the leaves aside and rum mother and sister. mage with tongue for the succulence His mother turned towards hJm to of the nuts. In their first year their see what the commotion was. He mother had cuffed the leaves aside had just reached her when she de for them, but this year she cuffed the tected the scent and stood up to her leaves aside and licked the nuts up full height of about seven feet. He for herself, driving off him and his watched with interest as she stood sister whenever they tried to get in testing the winds with her sensitive on her action. So he started cuffing nose. Then with a grunt of danger his own leaves aside and worked at she turned to run. His sister was filling himself up. Occasionally he quick to follow, but he hesitated, hit upon a small rodent, but he never rearing on his hind legs to stand as on knew the difference between the hard his mother had done, to determine shell of the nut and soft fur of the what she saw. He stood for a mo mouse and swallowed each the same ment before falling to all four legs 45 just as a clap ofthunderrangthrough was amazed to see nothing but blood his ears and the bark of a tree ex as it oozed from his shoulder. ploded in line where his head had He could no longer hear be been. He wheeled to follow his cause of the ringing in his ears, but mother, but she was nowhere to be could feel another impact as he was found. Confused, scared, he ran in knocked harshly to the ground by the direction that took him away the unseen force. He took the pun from the awful noise. ishment he had never felt before and After running along a pair of ridges, rose to take two more strides before he stopped to rest and decide where being knocked upside-down on his his mother could have gone. It was back. Grunting with pain, he tried to then he detected the motion and roll one way, but that shoulder was smelled the familiar scent. He had totally useless. Rolling the other not been seen and d~cided to back way, he got up but could no longer away slowly out of sight before run run on all fours. He rose onto his ning. When he could not detect the hind legs and tried to run awkwardly motion any longer, he turned and that way. chose another direction to run in. At that moment he saw for the ftrst He ran for a little while longer time the creature that was inflicting before stopping to look around. He all this pain. He was confused as to could still smell the scent, but it was whether to charge or run when the not quite as strong. He began to feel creature was replaced by a bright terror as his heart pumped faster. orange flash. This time he felt no Although not strong, the scent pain, but only a great impact strik seemed to be all around him. Not ing his neck. He tried to crawl but knowing what to do, feeling that rise could only raise his head. Suddenly of panic, he began running again. a white light flashed throughout his He had not run far when again the head, and then darkness settled in. clap of thunder struck. This time, He could no longer hear, see, smell, though, he was deafened and just taste, or even feel. In fact he could no kept running. The loud noise hap longer know, as the creature, just as pened again, and he felt a stinging much a juvenile as the cub was, sensation as if he had been stung on walked up and stroked the rough, the shoulder. He turned to bite what black fur in admiration of the un was stinging him in mid-stride and knowing. ** 46 Beth Baltes Computer graphic - Helene took a deep breath. Ten "Howls Maggie?" Helene had met years before, their mother had been her sister-in-law ten years ago, and in a car accident. On her way from had admired the spunky, vivacious by JoAnne Martin Atlanta to Springfield, Helene had woman. been watching snow fall during a "Strong as ever. She put the Helene answered the phone be I . . . " He paused and blinked his two hour layover in Denver, when horse down. Wouldn't let anybody cause it was too early for her secre eyes. '"I didn't expect to see you. Did the airlines announced a delay. By else do it." tary to be in the office. She had a the courthouse bum down?" He at the time her flight should have left, Upstairs, they waited outside the case on the court docket this morn tempted a smile that didn't quite all flights had been canceled be closed door of Mel's room until a ing, and she'd come to the office take shape. cause of a snowfall that had become nurse told them they could spend a early to make sure there were no Minutes later, she was asking a blizzard. Before the airport had few minutes with him. Maggie rose loose ends dangling about. Helene about their injured brother when a been reopened, her mother had died. from a chair by his bedside, and the didn't like loose ends. She didn't like familiar voice interrupted from the ''I'd like to see your conscience on two women met in the middle of the surprises or impulsive decisions, doorway. trial. If anyone could find tt." David room. either, and the phone call caused "Well, if it isn't the concerned turned and walked out of the room. "I'm glad you came." Maggie was both. Three hours later, she was on sister," David's sarcastic words rico Helene started to follow ~ but tiny, with long red hair. Faith and a plane following the sun to the west cheted around the room, empty Ben grabbed her arm. resolve radiated from eyes so shad coast, and one of her partners was except for the two brothers and their "Let him go," Ben said in a quiet owed underneath they looked taking her place in the courtroom. older sister. '"You're early. He's still voice. '"He still needs somebody to bruised. HJgh above the clouds, Helene had a alive." blame. "You need to get some rest." nagging feeling that something Helene felt the muscles in her '"He needs to grow up." Helene Maggie had been out with the search unpleasant waited for her, some back and shoulders stlffen when she started after David, and again Ben ers all night; yet Helene knew tt was thing that had nothing to do with her heard the accusation in David's voice, took her ann. useless to suggest resting the mo brother's accident. and she pulled in a quick breath of "Leave it alone, Helene." The ment she opened her mouth. Maggie The sun disappeared behind dark air. With her next heartbeat she quiet command in his voice stopped shook her head. Helene walked over clouds, and she shivered as she wished David was the brother up her, and the sad weariness in his to the bed and stood beside her walked through drizzling rain from stairs suffering, his body smashed eyes changed her mind. She'd set brother. Maggie's soft voice followed the terminal to the rental car. It had and broken. Willing her shoulders David straight later. Ben led her to her. been raining when she left Oregon to relax. she placed the confident a chair and described the accident "The doctors say he'll be fine. He ten years ago. Some things never expression on her face that she used that had injured Mel and the horse has a concussion, but the CAT scan changed. to cross-examine witnesses and he was riding, and the all-night didn't show any brain damage. He's She found Ben slumped on a turned to face him. David slouched search before Ben and the neighbors sound asleep now." plastic-covered annchair in the wait against the door frame. found them. Helene had expected to see the ing room. He was wearing a rumpled "Hello David," she knew her voice "His ankle's smashed up pretty casts on his arm and leg, but she shirt and mud-streaked Levi's. He would be strong and even. "No doubt bad. So's his leg, an ann and a wasn't prepared for the sight of his lene hesitated at the door until her my presence will cause him to live." couple of ribs. Clean breaks, not like face. She had imagined his rugged youngest brother looked up. He stared at her. his ankle." Ben took a deep breath face marred with cuts and bruises. Ben leaned forward with a puzzled '"What are you doing here?" and continued, "He was out cold Instead, except for a few little expression on his haggard face, and "Maggie asked me to come." when we found him. He's been in scratches and something different then his blue eyes widened in sur "You didn't rush out here when and out all day. Maggie's upstairs she couldn't quite identify, Mel's prise. mama was hurt. Why bother now?" talking to the doctors now." face looked the same. Helene re "Holy cowl Helene? For a minute David shot the words at her. membered chubby, dimpled cheeks, 48 49 and a summer day when they were change." fences spread out from the barn on protect herself.. Helene forced one little. She was four years old, maybe "You know I will." either end and lined the driveway, foot in front of the other. Hundreds five, and they were sitting on the Ben walked through the door enclosing the prize-winning Tennes of times she'd entered this room, grass in Grandma's front yard. Mel, ahead of Helene and put his hand on see Walkers that Mel and Maggie hung her damp jacket on one of the two years younger, was making faces David's arm. "Don't say anything." raised, trained, and showed all over wooden pegs. and pulled off her at her and wiggling his ears. She had David's eyes were fixed on Helene. the Northwest. Helene smiled. It felt muddy, rubber boots. They were in laughed at him until her belly hurt. .. Don't you think we should talk good to gllmpse the results of loving the kitchen. A different kitchen. Of Tears blurred her vision and she about this and settle it once and for care and prosperity instead of ruin course. blinked them away. Those days all?" Helene demanded. "Don't you ous neglect caused by mind-numb Helene knew that Mel had gutted belonged to another lifetime that was think it's about time you started ing poverty, the way it had been the house beyond the mud room and gone forever. acting like an adult instead of a when she was growing up here. Her remodeled it. Dorrtne was still talk .. He shaved his beard!" she said. spoiled child?" father had moved to this valley from ing, so she tried to concentrate on .. When did he do that?" David's mouth curved into an a shack in the hills of Tennessee, what she was saying. As she fol ..About a year ago, ~ Ben answered ugly sneer. "Oh, I intend to settle it." expecting a better life. He'd ended lowed her into the living room, she with half a smile... Said there was too He walked in the room and closed up searching in desperation for the started to breathe normally again much gray in it." the door behind him. The vague answers to life's questions at the and admired the rock fireplace which A nurse walked in twenty min apprehensive feeling tha t Helene had bottom of a whiskey bottle, and found dominated the center of the east utes later. told Helene and Ben they first noticed hours ago in her office death instead. Maybe, after all, he'd wall. It was flanked by glass that had to leave, and advised them to welled up, intense and striated with found the answers he'd been looking soared from the floor to the roof line. come back in the morning. Helene fear. for. Nothing looked the same. Nothing suddenly didn't want to move until Itwas dark and still raining when Dorrtne was waiting for her on felt the way it had when she'd left Mel opened his eyes and grinned, Helene left the hospital. The years the back porch. with a cheap suitcase filled with new pleased with the joke he'd played on dropped away, and she drove to the "You must be Helene," she said clothes, enough money left over from her. farm as if she drove the route every and stuck out her hand. disgusting summer jobs to last her "Dorrtne is expecting you at the day of her life. Thirty minutes later, "Yes, hello." Helene shook her until she found another one, a bus house," Maggie said. Helene wanted she turned the rental car in at the plump hand. It surprised her with ticket. a full scholarship to Stanford to check in at the nearest motel, but familiar gravel driveway that curved its softness. Dorrine cooked and University, and a stubborn determi she knew it wouldn't be worth the around the hill, and then leveled out cleaned for Maggie, while Maggie nation to erase any memory of her fuss it would cause. Family wasn't on top in a big parking area between filled her days working with horses, life until she stepped off the bus in supposed to stay in a motel. When the barn and the house. Three halo or in the yard. Helene recognized the California. The ridicule, embarrass Helene did not answer right away. gen yard lights chased away the wet value of someone who could devote ment, and humiliation of being the Maggie continued, "She has some darkness, and she could see some of her life to the care of her employer. daughter of an ignorant, drunken, things I'd like you to bring me in the the changes Mel had made. She'd hired and fired a dozen incom impoverished dirt farmer and his morning. Would you?" She could The lopsided old wire fences, petent housekeepers before she'd weak, obedient wife had been left at bear one night at the home place and half-buried under scraggly black found her own Martha. the end of the dusty, pot-holed drive get a room tomorrow. berry vines that used to line the "Come on in. I've fixed you a bite way. "Of course." Helene squeezed driveway, had been pulled out. The to eat. Give me your bag." Dorrtne "You aren't eating anything. Miss. Mel's hand and turned to give Mag sagging barn had been torn down, led her through the back door into No wonder you don't have any flesh gie a quick hug. Over her shoulder, and she could see the dark outline of the mud room. Memories avalan on you." Dorrine's bite to eat could she saw David standing in the door the bigger one that had been built on ched through Helene's mind, carry have fed three hungry men. The way. "I'll see you in the morning, the same spot. The covered arena ing debris that seemed so real, she woman had chattered constantly Maggie. Call me if there's any adjoining it was huge. White board wanted to throw up her arms to from the moment Helene entered the 60 61 house. Helene had heard details a long time ago that the best defense him to the rest of them. David must never came back." His voice was, about Mrs. Fullbright's gall-bladder was a good offense; surprise aided have felt that his importance in hard. ..Mama walked down to the operation and poor little Emily's dif and abetted. Mother's life had been denied when mailbox every day hoping she'd hear ficult delivery and Mr. Brandt's ..Explain to me exactly why you she'd called for his sister on her from you." beautiful funeral. Helene didn't have think I had anything to do with deathbed. ..1 wrote letters." Cigarette smoke the faintest idea who any of these Mother's death." Her eyes stayed .. Mother cared, David. She knew floated in the room. Helene wanted people were and didn't care. But riveted on David's. you were there. .. a breath of cold, fresh air. Dorrtne's gossip had helped her push '"You should have been here." He David turned around so fast that .. No, you wrote notes that didn't away the unwanted memories that folded his arms across his chest. Helene stepped back. say a thing. And mama acted like it had knocked her off balance in the and Helene's mind flashed back to a '"Yeah? How would you know? was a national holiday when we got mud room. warm afternoon when David stood You didn't care when she died. Or one. She read them over and over." Dorrtne left for the night, and the before her, looking as he did now, Dad either." He was shouting... You Helene remembered the long let house was quiet. Helene sipped a while she scolded him for throwing hated her. You stayed away. You ters from her Mother filled with every glass of wine and watched lights rocks at the chickens. She smashed wanted her ..... detail of what was going on at home. outlined with shimmering halos it down. Childhood memories be "That's a lie." She didn't hate Between the lines. she'd recognized disappear one by one in the valley longed to the past and had no place Mother or Dad. It had been terrible her Mother's longing to see her. She'd below. It was too quiet. David's in the present. when he'd died. It bad been worse just been determined to live her life words were all she could hear in the !hat didn't cause the accident when Mother died. He had no idea of totally differently than Mother had silence. that killed her." thepainshe'dsuffered. Alone. She'd lived hers. She'd wanted to forget Helene imagined David creep So? Shekeptcallingforyou. You hadnoone.Theoruyonewhoknew the sad, defeated look on Mother's ing through the night toward the didn't come." the truth about her past was Julia. face that matched her old, faded house, bent on some kind of twisted .. Mother died because another car her roommate and best friend at dresses. revenge. The touch of alarm she'd smashed head-on into hers! Not Stanford. She was married and '"You didn't come home once!" experienced outside Mel's hospital because I couldn't get here." Helene practicing law in Vermont the last .. I couldn't afford it! Mother room returned and grew until He slipped her jacket off without look time Helene had heard from her. couldn't either. and you know it." lene realized she was being foolish. ingawayfromDavid'sface. Hepulled Helene had to pretend in front of her Helene heard her voice raising. She'd She would not be intimidated by her a pack of cigarettes from his shirt friends and co-workers. They be allowed her emotions to override her childish fear of David's ridiculous pocket and lit one. lieved her parents had died when reason, and that wasn't supposed to delusions. Springfield was still a .. Right. But she died wanting she was a small child and that she'd happen. small town, and David's apartment you. She wouldn't even listen to me! been reared by a loving aunt in a .. Yeah. When you were in school. wouldn't be hard to find. Nothing I said made any difference." beautiful home. Helene felt her throat What about after you got to be a An hour later, Helene knocked on David turned away... She didn't even tighten, as it often did now when she hotshot lawyer in Atlanta? David's apartment door. She heard care that I was with her." He spoke thought of the lies she'd told and '"This doesn't have anything to do a lock click, and David opened the so softly she strained to hear his trapped herself into living with. That with the accident that killed Mother." door. Surprise flashed across his words. Helene thought she under she'd been an oruy child and shortly Helene wished he was on the witness face for a moment before angerjerked stood the reason he blamed her. after her graduation from college, stand so she'd know what he was his mouth into a straight line. David had been Mother's favorite her dear, old aunt had passed on going to say next. She kept losing .. What are you doing here?'' As he from the day he was born. It was a peacefully. Helene had created a control of this conversation. "What spoke, Helene walked into the room. fact of life. Mother didn't ignore or past filled with everything she'd ever happened after I left home isn't She was more than grateful that the neglect the other children, but she longed for as a child, but one thing important." chain was off when she heard it didn't treat them in the special way was true. ..1 loved Mother and Dad." .. Maybe not, now." The begrudg rattle against the door. She'd learned she did David. She simply preferred .. Sure. So much that you left and ing tone of his voice made her think 52 he might be beginning to listen to feelings and emotions, and even mouth and disappeared. "Maybe buy the whole world and you'd still reason. ''But it sure as hell was justice. don't mean a thing? Oh, I'll you should have been. I wanted to be nothing. There's nothing inside of important when Mama was alive. give you the fact that Mama would make you pay for the pain you caused you, Helene. Not a damned thing. And it had everything to do with how have died even if you·d got here Mama. For mine too. Now I see how Now get out of my house." David Mama felt when she died. How you sooner. But you listen to me and you pointless it would have been." David opened the door. "You can't hurt made her feel all those years was listen good. A little part of Mama wasn't a threat to her and probably Mama, or me, anymore." damned important." Helene felt a died that day you left and every day never had been. Helene walked down the stairs foolish urge to ask that his words be of every year you stayed away killed 1ben I'm glad I came over." She holding on to the rail because she stricken from the record. David was a little bit more of her. Innocent, my was desperate to leave and fought could barely see through the unfa- changing the case she had come foot!" His voice was raspy with bit back the urge to run here ready to defend. terness and pain. Helene watched miliar tears that filled out the door and down "No. You couldn't stand it be him drop his hand and exhaled with her eyes. the stairs. cause Mother died asking for me relief. "Did you ever ask any of us Helene was having "Sure you are. You instead of you." David's eyebrows what it was like after you left home? trouble trying to think know something? I scrunched closer together under a Not Because you didn't care. Well, over the loud echoes of held on to some good lock of blonde hair that fell across nothing stayed the same. Nothing! I David'slastwords. She memories of you for a his forehead, reminding her of the remember hearing Mama cry in the wanted to catch the long time after you left. evenings he sat at the kitchen table night and .. ." next flight back to At I missed you. Then struggling with his math homework, "Stop it!" He didn't remember lanta. She wanted to things changed. I and she sat across from him. trying everything. 1bere was nothing to stay because of Mel. wasn't special to Mama to help. Helene ordered the memory come back to. Nothing except that Tears kept sliding anymore. Mama didn't away. broken down house full ofjunk other down her cheeks. care about anything "Yeah. Maybe you're right." people had thrown away. Waiting in She'd prove to David after awhile. You didn't Finally. he was listening to the facts line at the fairgrounds for govern that she wasn't as know that, did you?" and dealing with reality. He smashed ment food. Never having .. ." unfeeling as he ac Helene shook her head. the cigarette out. "Well. now you have everything cused her of bei.ng. In She had cut herself off Beth Baltes Pen&ink high school, she'd 1ben stop blaming me for some that's important, don't you, Miss thing I had nothing to do with." This Fancy Lawyer? I've heard about from her family so successfully that proven to those stuck-up, rich, hate was going to be resolved in a minute. your big house, your classy paint she knew her clients more intimately ful. town kids that she wasn't a and then she could leave. Walk out ings and antiques. Everything money than her brothers. "When I got older dumb hillbilly. At first, she'd cried of this room and stop the memories can buy. Do you pay people to love and realized how Mama hurt inside. like a baby when they made ugly that kept gathering in her mind. you too?" I started to hate you for what you remarks about her hand-me-down "Why did you come over here? "I don't have to listen to this." were doing to her and to me. At the clothes, or the way she talked, but Since when did you give a damn Helene picked up her jacket. Noth hospital before she died. I prayed then she got mad. Feeling angry was what any one of us thought?" ing had gone right today. Nothing that you would die and God would a lot better than hurting. She showed "You accused me and I was inno had happened the way she had let her live." them all she wasn't dumb when she "David ..... cent of ..... planned it. was chosen class valedictorian, but "Innocent?" David's hand came David said. "Oh. by the way, you "Listen!" It was a sharp com the bitter taste of humiliation lin up and she backed away, holding don't have to be afraid of me any- mand that she obeyed. "Until to gered until she arrived at Stanford. her breath. He pointed his finger at more either. I . . ." night I wanted you to die. but you're Helen added an "e" to her plain name her. "Where do you think you are? "I've never . .." already dead. Your heart shriveled and the carefully constructed lies In your damned court room where "No?" A smile flashed across his up when you turned your back on began. And now. Helene couldn't everyone who loved you. You could believe that David's opinion of her 54 55 mattered so much. this spot. she had spent hours plan Helene drove back to the home ning her escape from the .. hillbilly" place, and the rest of the night was family that lived in the farmhouse filled with memories, tears, self-re below. What those town kids bad +AP20 ·G47 1992 v. 11 COPY:2 criminations, and tentative resolu said so long ago meant nothing now. tions. Shortly before dawn, she During the night Helene had ac remembered the tree. Helene bor knowledged that the words should rowed a pair of Mel's Levi's, pulled have meant nothing to her then. She his rubber boots on over her tennis stood under the tree and asked the shoes, and left the house. God that she had last talked to in foR REFERENCE Walking through the wet grass this place to, once more help her in the upper pasture, she could hear change her life. birds chirping and the gentle whish Later, Helene walked back to the NOT TO BE TAKEN FROM THE ROOM of a light breeze through the tree house. After a long, hot shower, she tops. Huge, ancientflrtrees stretched ate as much as she could ofDorrine's into the cloud filled sky. Helene breakfast feast, picked up the bundle stepped on a small, rotten branch for Maggie, and drove to the hospi that crumbled quietly beneath her tal. She thought again that the last foot and saw the special tree in front twenty-four hours hadn't gone the of her. The one that was so big, she way she had expected, but it had and her brothers couldn't reach turned out to be right. Before she around when they were children, reached the hospital entrance, it was even when they all held hands. In pouring down rain. Some things never changed. ** Perceptions 1992 is typeset in Bookman with New Century Schoolbook main headings using Pagemaker 3.02 for Macintosh. 1500 copies: $4300