Inside This Week's Campus— Our yearly romp through the wide world of satire, The Compost, chronicles the people and events of Agony College in Mudville. This year's edition is in honor of April Fool's Day. The games begin on page 5. Enjoy!
since 1876 "Liberty not Vol. 123, No. 18 exercised is Thursday ' - liberty lost." March 30, 2000 —Gene Policinski Blowdown Speeds Robertson Logging By JOHN PAUL MARCANTONIO Controller Marty Ahl. judgment. "Mark Webb is very Assistant News Editor "Those trees that were knocked knowledgeable about sustainable down were obstructing the trails," forestry. He has been in the busi- The most recent stage of the Ahl continued. He said that they ness for over 25 years and his main logging that has been taking place would rot before the next sched- focus is the health of the forest," he along the trails behind Robertson uled harvest in 2005, causing the said. Field is now completed, causing school to lose revenue. "He has received several the area to look much different "We implemented a two phase awards, including Forester of the these days. There are logging program that started shortly after Year," said Bowden. "He has and roads running all through the for- the storm in July. Phase 1 took will definitely help, not hurt, the est. and the tops of the logged trees place completely over the summer school's woodlands." are laying on the ground around and its main focus was clearing the One student who uses the cross- the trails. trees from the cross-country trails. country trails expressed a different Under the Forest Management Also, 100 feet to each side of the opinion on the matter. Program, which started in 1995, trails were cleared," Ahl said. "Even though the forester doing the college hired ecologically- Phase 1 was done by Shelter the planning is very good, I still based forester Mark Webb to take Lumber Co. The revenue that was wish that the logging wasn't going an inventory of the trees in the gained from it was around S5,000. on," said sophomore Steve Haines. forest. From that inventory, Webb "Phase 2 began on January 1, "I really enjoy going up there devised a schedule for the school and its aim was to clear out the for hiking, biking, and cross-coun- to follow for the next 30 to 40 trees that fell in the rest of the for- try skiing. I think that the woods years. est. The logging was done by Ken are more valuable as a relief for Every 10 years an inventory of Nichols Lumber and Logging and students to escape college stress all trees in the forest is taken. the revenue that was generated was than as a source of revenue for the From that inventory, one-third of around $40, 000," Ahl said. college. "It is also a good selling all "marketable stems" are actually "Had we not logged those trees, point for the school—an area with harvested and sold for profit. The we would have lost their value," hiking and biking trails that is logging operation that took place in said Ahl. within walking distance of cam- 1995 generated 165,000 board feet The College's Forest pus," added Haines. of lumber worth S103,000. Management Program has since The once thick forest is now The next harvest was scheduled been revised due to the blowdown. thinned out along the cross-country for sometime in 2004 or 2005, but The logging that was scheduled to trails. on July 16, 1999, a severe wind- occur in 2005 has been moved "There will be no physical re- storm occurred. It caused a large back to 2008-2009. planting occurring in the forest," TIMBER—Trees lay strewn across the area known as the "Bad- natural blowdown, uprooting many Associate Professor of said Ahl. "Natural replanting will lands" due to logging operations that ended three weeks ago. trees in the forest, especially along Environmental Science Richard occur in due time." —photo by Tiffany Hrachi the cross-country trails, said Bowden said he respects Webb's College Students Prone to Depression According to the Director of lacking interest or pleasure in ev- Persons affected'by depression By DANE FOSTER tural stigma often discourages ade- Medicine at the Rochester eryday activities. often feel a personal sense of fail- Perspectives Editor quate treatment. Depression takes many forms- Psychiatric Hospital Dr. Anthony Depression is caused by an im- ure or rejection, feelings that could Labrum, people with depression balance of the chemical serotonin lead to isolation, denial, or even To raise awareness of depres- Unipolar, Bipolar, and Seasonal Affective Disorder, all of which fall into a certain method of think- in the brain. This can be caused by suicide. According to Labrum, sion as a serious disease, the ing. "They tend to have a particu- either a biological change in func- these feelings can cause the af- Allegheny Counseling Center held can be treated if appropriately diag-nosed. Some symptoms of lar way of thinking about things, tion or it can be passed down fected person to have trouble inter- a free screening for anxiety and either negatively or pessimisti- hereditarily. According to acting with other people. "They depressive illnesses on Tuesday, depression include dramatic changes in mood, body sensation, cally," he said. Labrum, approximately 50% of may have a perception of not being March 28 in the Walker Room. This way of thinking often co- depressed individuals pass the trait loved," he said, "and that can lead Despite their efforts, many loss of interest or motivation, lack of concentration, inability or loss erces the individual into feeling genetically, but that does not nec- to difficulties with relationships, or cases go untreated or unreported. that they are loosing control, expe- essarily mean that the offspring Depression is a disease from which of sleep, and changes in eating riencing feelings of intolerance, or will exhibit depressive qualities. —see DEPRESSION, page 4— many suffer, but the prevailing cul- habits. Page 2 News March 30, 2000 The Campus asks... CRIME BLOTTER compiled by Gail Giewont, Staff Photographer •An unattended wallet that con- -On March 17, $145 was stolen •A theft occurred in the Grounds tained $150 was stolen from the from an unlocked locker during For Change Coffee House after Seen any good movies lately? Campus Center Activities Room lunch time in the Wise Center. closing time on March 13. The on March 12. Security has no Security has no suspects. person that was working the last leads. shift did not wait for someone to come with a key and lock the door. $38 was stolen. Security has no •A theft occurred in the Wise suspects. Center locker room on March 6. A -Security was called to assist in the watch, valued at between $40-$50, location of a missing juvenile on was stolen while several credit •A student was cited for underage "I saw this thing called Star March 16. Security was able to lo- cards and cash money were left un- drinking in Schultz Hall on March Wars. That was pretty hip." cate he/she on campus. touched. Security has no suspects. 12. —Steve Harding '01 CAMPUS BRIEFS
•The March Month of Service •Applications for the Chatham •ALLies is now accepting is sponsoring a carnival on Summer Program (through which applications for membership for Saturday, Apr. 1 from noon to 2 Allegheny students can become the upcoming year. Applications "Yeah, but I don't remember p.m. in the Campus Center lobby. eligible for Pennsylvania teacher will be available at the what they were because I This event is sponsored by the certification) are now available. Information Desk in the Campus don't 'watch' the movies, if Office of Community Service. For Lists of the courses required to Center. The members engage in meet the Pennsylvania standards selected service activities you know what mean." more information, contact Brooke I Martin at (814) 332-5318. in each of the certification areas including, but not limited to, the —Megan McClure '00 offered at Chatham will also be Allegheny and Meadville available. The applications are community. Applications must be (Doane Chem C.117) or her office available from Professor Nancy returned to Box 171 by the in Cochran Hall (118). Students Lowmaster in either her office in deadline on Friday, Mar. 31. who are completing their the Advanced Chemistry building sophomore or junior years and meet the 2.5 minimum GPA •The Wayne Reynolds Merrick requirement are eligible The •The political science Fellowship in International deadline for submitting department will present a "The Cider House Rules was Studies is intended to assist applications is Saturday, Apr. 1. If discussion by Dr. Manuel Orozco promising Allegheny upper-class a really great movie." you have questions, please contact titled "Violence, Memory and students (preferably juniors) —Beth Miller '01 Professor Lowmaster by phone History of Central America" on majoring in international studies 332-5352 or 332-4348 or by e- Monday, Apr. 3 at 4:30 p.m. in to complete one semester abroad. mail. Seminar Room 123 in Quigley Applications for the fellowship Hall. A reception will follow. A should be submitted by Friday, professor of political science at Apr. 7 to Jochen Richter, Box 30. •The Meadville Community the Univ. of Akron and a Theatre will present George researcher for the Tomas Rivera Axelrod's The Seven Year Itch, Policy Institute, Orozco primarily one of theatre's biggest comedy -The Doane Hall art galleries researches globalization, hits at 8:15 p.m. on any of the will present the annual Student international relations theory, following evenings: Friday, Mar. Art Show, beginning Tuesday, democracy, conflict in war-town 31; Saturday, Apr. 1; Friday, Apr. Apr. 4. The show will feature the societies and minority politics. For "Erin Brockovich. She was 7 and Saturday, Apr. 8. Tickets works of Allegheny students. A more information, contact the sassy." are $8 for adults and $6 for reception to celebrate opening of political science department at 332-3360. —Anne Rundle '02 students and senior citizens. For the exhibit will be held from 7:30 reservations or more information, to 9 p.m. The exhibit closes on contact the Theatre (located in the Wednesday, Apr. 26. For more Oddfellows Building) at 333- information, contact the art 1773. galleries at (814) 332-4365.
Hey you... The Campus Staff C, Contact Information Editorial Board: Bob Britten, Erica Erwin, Dane Foster, Shannon Editor-in-Chief: Jennifer Midgley Newsroom : (814)-332-5386 The Campus staff Harbaugh, Kara Harchuck, Jennifer Midgley, Andrew Managing Editor: Bob Britten Fax: (814)-724-6834 Mihailoff, Kimberly Rehak, Chuck Steinfurth meets in the news- Online Managing Editor: Andrew Mihailoff E-mail: [email protected] room, room U-202 The editor-in-chief and managing editor hold Advisory Forum: on the second floor Advertising Manager: Sagrario Gil office hours Mon. and Thurs. 3-5. Dean Dave Mclnally, Mary Norton, Dr. Barry Shapiro, Dr. of the Campus Courtenay Dodge, Jessica Frieder, Kevin Wright Center, every Tues- News Editors: Erica Erwin, Assistant News Editors: Shannon Harbaugh, John Paul Marcantonio Kara Harchuck Assistant Perspectives Editors: Heather Chapman, Kendra Stanton To place an advertisement or classified ad, call 332- day at 7:30. Every- Perspectives Editor: Dane Foster Assistant Weekend Editors: Abby Milligan, Brianna Pike, Amy Zader 5386. one is welcome. Weekend Editor: Kimberly Rehak Assistant Sports Editor: Rebecca Rittenhouse Stop by with article Sports Editor: Chuck Steinfurth Assistant Photography Editor: position available Reader Advocate Sandy Simon is available for consulta- ideas, photo ops, Photography Editor: Tiffany Hrach Business Manager: Heidi Walsh tion at
Aft Clark's Promised Dispensers Finally Installed By SHANNON HARBAUGH Studentl Government (ASG) in," said Allan Blattner, director: quickly followed up on," said working on a method of Assistant News Editor President, Bernie Clark. of residence life. Clark. installation that would not absorb Residents of Crawford and In his election platform, Clark To get the ball rolling, ASG After the meeting, attention all of their time. Physical Plant South Highland Halls can now promised the student body that he representatives attended a trustee was given to the situation. In the will continue this process of enjoy the newly installed soap would push for paper towel and meeting and presented their ideas. fall of 1999, Physical Plant took installation into the summer. and towel dispensers in their soap dispensers in every "The trustees do not always get to bids from several vendors and restrooms. dormitory. "We had some main hear all of the students' concerns selected DeSantis, a local supply Physical Plant has started the goals in our platform and this was all the time," said Clark. firm. "We told people we were Approximately 110 to 120 installation of these dispensers one of them," he said. Once presented with the going to do this and did not dispensers were ordered, to allow and "hopes to have every dorm "Next to Bernie, we are problem, the suggestion was well realize it would take this long." for some replacements needed in completed before students return probably the second most excited received by the trustees. "They Prior to the dispensers' arrival academic buildings and extras, in the Fall," said Allegheny about the dispensers being put realized it was an issue and it was on campus, Physical Plant was according to Blattner.
DEPRESSION frompage ,
they might project their hate of dents' lives. "Depression is one of terms and deal with his feelings. suicide, are not mind altering individual that may be depressed, themselves onto other people." the top pressing concerns we have Despite the prevalence of de- drugs, and are not addictive in na- the best way to help out, according Feelings of this sort often mani- here [at Allegheny]," she said. "It pression, according to Labrum, ture like many other drugs. to Labrum, is to "help the person fest themselves in people between is one of the most frequent con- only 20-30% of the afflicted get Labrum is quick to dispel the myth get a sensible perspective on the the ages of 18 and 24. Many peo- cerns of the people we see here at any appropriate medical treatment. that anti-depressants can change illness. Give them some time, but ple have difficulty leaving an envi- the counseling center." Many people prone to depression who a person is. "Education is im- don't abandon them." Allegheny ronment that they are accustomed There are two common ways of either fail to realize the symptoms portant," he said, "in that people College also offers counseling ser- to, and having to start anew at a treating depression: prescription of of the illness, refuse to see a doe - need to hear that anti-depressants vices to those that are concerned college or university. The pres- anti-depressant drugs like Paxil, tor, or prescribe to the myths sur- cannot change your personality, about depression or would like to sures of trying to fit in, and the Prozac, or Zoloft, or psychother- rounding anti-depressants and de- how you act or feel beyond restor- learn more about it, or visit separation from family and friends apy. The anti-depressant drugs in- pression. According to Kondrot, ing those qualities to their original www,AHCPR.gpv. - T h e may cause an individual to feel crease the release of serotonin in untreated depression only causes levels." That is to say that each Counseling Center offers literature alone and isolated. This may pre- the brain until an appropriate level more pain for the individual. person has a biological potential, and consultation, and is located in cipitate a bout of depression. is reached. Psychotherapy treat- "People end up suffering need- and anti-depressants help to Reis Hall or can be reached at 332- According to Allegheny ment is an interactive approach lessly, with the ultimate risk being achieve that potential. 4368. Counseling Center Director where the patient and doctor at- suicide," she said. While there is currently no cure Jacquelyn Kondrot, depression tempt to trace through past events, Despite rumors, anti-depres- for depression, it can be treated. If plays a major role in college stu- allowing the patient to come to sants do not increase the risk of someone is concerned about an Positions are opening on The Campus staff... Reporter/Columnist The Campus Editorial Board Member accepts one-time articles and columns from any student Work-Study Positions who wants to contribute. Becoming a staff reporter implies a larger Editorial Board members take part in determining policy commitment: attending the weekly staff meeting and contributing at and content of the newspaper; the Editorial Board is The Campus' governing body, responsible for hiring decisons, Advertising Manager: So least every other week. licit writing the weekly editorial and shaping the newspaper's and accept ads, maintain Assistant Editor organized records, hold regu- An assistant editor has generally had at least one semester of experi- goals and policies. lar office hours. Prior busi- ence writing for The Campus or has taken the news writing course. ness experience desirable. This is a plus, but is not required; all applicants will be considered. Section Editor Assistant Ad Manager posi- Assistant editors are responsible for writing as needed, attending the Section editors are responsible for the content, style and tions are also available, with weekly staff meeting; helping the section editor develop story ideas layout of their sections. They schedule and lead section a smaller time committment. and edit copy, and helping with layout. meetings, assign articles and photos, train reporters and Business Manager: Copy Editor assistant editors, and attend the weekly staff meeting. They plan and organize the layout of their sections. They read all Pay bills, fill timecards, work Copy Editors work with the editor-in-chief and managing editor to with the ads staff and manag- proofread copy. They look mainly for grammatical, spelling, or rough copy and edit it for style, grammar and space. Inter- ing editor, check our progress factual errors, and do fact-checking as needed. Copy editors will also ested applicants should have prior journalism experience against our financial goals. be asked to contribute headline ideas, and may be asked to do a final and a knowledge of the newspaper. proof of a section. Distribution Manager: Reader Advocate Pick up The Campus from The reader advocate works with the newspaper staff and the College Photography Editor The Meadville Tribuneearly on Thurs. mornings and dis- community to address problems with the newspaper's content. He or The Photography Editor works with the section editors to tribute it around campus. Po- she must be fair-minded and must possess excellent interpersonal determine photography coverage. He or she makes assign- sition requires reliable trans- ments to staff photographers. Darkroom experience and skills. He or she must also develop a working knowledge of staff portation to and from the Tri- procedures and standards. knowledge of photography equipment is required. bune. Applications due 5 p.m., April 7
Applications are available outside the newsroom, room U-202 on the second floor of the Campus Center. Please address questions to Editor-in-Chief Jennifer Midgley at
Page 6 Weekend The Campus "The Ninth Gate" Opens Few Doors Corso is hired by Boris Balkan By BOB BRITTEN with the books, although Corso Hollow" with much more satisfying gates are admittedly impressive (Frank Langella), a collector of Managing Editor refuses to admit that he himself may results. The point may be to looking, but the opening got to the books on the Devil, to track down be passing through the nine gates convince us that Corso is like the point where I was expecting to start the other two copies of The Nine If a genre doesn't exist for your that he seeks. ancient tomes that he deals in, but seeing the names of gaffers and best new genre movie, no problem. Just Gates (Balkan has one), a book In many ways, "The Ninth Gate" we don't need to see each of his boys. A movie just doesn't need which Lucifer himself supposedly make one up. This seems to be feels like one of the dusty books that pages. that in its opening credits, even it if director Roman Polanski's attitude collaborated on. Corso's task is to the movie focuses on. The pace is is theatrical. find out whether or not two of the If anything, "The Ninth Gate" is in "The Ninth Gate," a movie that literary, not cinematic, and this certainly a dark film. Muddled It's hard to watch "The Ninth would be incredibly form-driven if three books are actually fakes, and results in a movie that often seems Gate" without having mental to obtain the legitimate copy if shadows and (intentionally) poor any previous form existed for it to lighting are presented throughout, flashbacks to last year's "Eyes Wide be driven by. The movie intrigues, necessary. Shut" and "Stigmata," even though Immediately upon taking the job, and viewers must often squint to yet feels predictable, in a way that Film Review discern details. This works, for the this film was actually released in makes its two hour length stretch Corso finds his life becoming France back in 1999. stranger. The wife of the original most part, and it gives the movie (though not necessarily drag) by in a more of a detective feel than a owner of Balkan's copy wants it to plod while Corso pores over text For that matter, there also seems way that feels more like six. horrific one. Polanski creates his back. His rare book dealer friend after text. But 'dull' is not really the to be a dash of Indiana Jones in Dean Corso, played by Johnny own brand of occult noir, and uses it (James Russo, who, as a side note, word, because as a movie, "The Corso's expert skepticism regarding Depp, is a sort of "Book detective," like an old and familiar form. It is also performed alongside Depp as Ninth Gate" is a pretty good book. the occult — he rarely allows as one of the characters describes worthy of note that the lighting was Paulie in 1997's "Donnie Brasco") himself to become incredulous. But him. His area of expertise is Depp himself is perhaps the best handled by one Darius Khondji, winds up dead, killed in a manner unlike Dr. Jones, Corso is not acquiring ancient and rare volumes example of the somewhat academic who also ran lighting for "Se7en"; depicted in one of the book's dynamic, and neither is much of the for collectors who are prepared to taste of this movie. His character is you can easily see the connection. pay handsomely for them. He is engravings. And a strange woman a goateed, bespectacled, scholarly plot. Even when buildings burn and begins popping up in the corner of On the subject of dropping cars whiz past, there is a detached, compensated well, tips well, and type with a taste for black names, this movie seems fairly dresses nicely (and all in black, of Corso's vision, only to vanish upon turtlenecks and trenchcoats. Fans of paced feeling to them. This doesn't closer inspection. pleased with who worked on it. The hurt the movie so much as slow it course, as Depp's contract no doubt the actor are used to seeing him in opening credit sequence, which Corso, while avowing a complete down and limit its appeal; fans of stipulates). He also lives in a not- eccentric roles, but even so, Dean shuttles us through (count 'ern) nine quite-squalid apartment and eats skepticism towards all things occult, Corso's bookish quality can seem Polanski and Depp will surely be the microwave dinners out of the box, begins to find himself party to much meticulously overdone at times. looming gates, is immense. Crew film's main audience. To be honest, although whether this is an oversight unexplained weirdness. People are Perhaps Polanski is not as adept at members such as line editors and though, it may not appeal to many or just a failed attempt at character appearing and dying in his life in molding the actor as, say, Tim other sundries are credited, which others. It's just too bookish. "The development is anyone's guess. ways that he can't quite fathom. Burton, who directed Depp in "Ed may be an attempted solution to Ninth Gate" will give you some Some power is definitely involved Wood" and the recent "Sleepy filling the interim space between all pause to reflect after the film's end, nine gates. The computer-generated but don't prepare to be amazed. Catpower's Latest Reinvents Old Favorites Attend the only By KIMBERLY REHAK acquaintance. The album has only American Bar Association Weekend Editor one original Chan Marshall piece, entitled "In This Hole," but it is a approved Paralegal Chan Marshall, aka Catpower, beautiful peek into her own Program in the has recently released "The Covers songwriting abilities. The song is Pittsburgh area. Record," a collection of cover a slow, piano driven piece—nice, songs, on Matador Records. slow, and not as loud as the songs Catpower has slowly from her previous released records established herself as an indie rock that I have had the privilege of DUQUESNE UNIVERSITY goddess, and as this album hearing. Those songs, mind you, demonstrates, she does not intend are still the exact opposite of PARALEGAL headbangin' loud. I've found that this album, like any Catpower release, is perfect to INSTITUTE Music Review from pop icons such as The fall asleep to and also a great Rolling Stones ("(I Can't Get No) accompaniment for reminiscing. • Post-bachelor's degree certificate program • Satisfaction") and the Velvet In fact, I had only listened to the • General practice or specialty certificate options • to stray from that standard. Underground ("I Found a Reason") first three songs before the other In one word, this album is to folk heroes Bob Dylan ("Paths • An outstanding law library • night because I would always pass beautiful. In two words, it's very of Victory") and Michael Hurley out before the close of it. So if you • Affordable tuition and housing • beautiful. ("Swee Dee Dee"). are in desperate need of a sleep • A placement program that works • On "The Covers Record," In every song, Chan inducer, pick up this album. But, • Limited enrollment • Chan's simple chords and accompanies herself on either more importantly, if you are in the distinctively beautiful vocals piano or acoustic guitar, sometimes • Accelerated daytime program in summer • need of an absolutely amazing new radiate through every song, as reconstructing the songs so that the album, then pick up the new • Part-time evening programs always. She somehow manages to original source is unrecognizable. Catpower! in fall, winter and spring • make every song seem very It's apparent, though that her Call WARC's request line at Part-time evening program begins on April 10. personal—as if listening is like interpretations of the songs show (814) 332-5275 and ask a kind DJ Accelerated summer program begins on May 30. peeking into the misty corners of how the originals must mean to there to play you a song from the her self—even the songs on this her. new album or check out the For more information, LP, which are not even her own. If you have never been available links at http://www.mat please call Catpower covers a vast variety introduced to Catpower before, this ador.recs.com/matador/stores.html of songs in this collection, ranging album may be a good first (412) 396-1643 to order this album. or UQUESNE • k. (800) 283-3853 eNIVERSITY Was lust Thni mg...... will return LA column btu Gail Giewont next week. 5orri for the inconvenience. Perslicettives Letters, Editorial, Opinion Options Abound for Interdisciplinary Minors EDITORIAL the academic journal Liberal patients may play as much of a role Education (Summer 1998), in the success of treatment as recently sent to some faculty by proper diagnosis and prescription. Dean Michaels makes it clear that Without the power to see things American higher education is in in the broadest perspective, to join Treat the Stigma the midst of a full-fledged an expanding conversation among "paradigm shift": "For most of this a wide array of disciplines, experts century, the dominant trend in may be woefully out of touch with Even as a liberal arts college, Allegheny is not immune higher education was the growth of what is happening in their from social stigmas and stereotypes. Many issues are often specialization and the proliferation professions. The same is true in clouded by these generalities, hindering the efforts to deal with David Miller of programs and courses. At business—where CEOs are the problem at hand. Depression is one such issue, and the present, we are in the midst of a anxious to hire employees who are ramifications of societal stereotypes can ultimately lead to Why Consider an historic reversal of this trend, and worldly, resourceful, and broad- many cases of depression going unreported and untreated. Interdisciplinary Minor? interdisciplinarity is at the heart of minded—and many fields in Studies show that the college age group can be more apt Since pre-registration is almost it." graduate school. to experience depression because of the stressful lifestyles that upon us, it's a good time to remind Transcending the narrow focus In my own field, English, they live. While certain students may be prone to depression— students and advisors of the of the various disciplines has enterprising graduate students— either genetically or biologically—varying circumstances of various interdisciplinary and always been one of the the ones most likely to get jobs in college life may precipitate a first episode or a recurrence. multidisciplinary minors available distinguishing goals of liberal arts academia—place literature in The stigma surrounding depression—which may at Allegheny in the form of the institutions like Allegheny. But all complicated theoretical, hist arical, ultimately become the mindset of the afflicted person—is that Interdisciplinary Studies division. too often the cliché of being "well- and even anthropological contexts. depression is something out of the ordinary, or that something You can check out these rounded" has offered itself as a The rising interest in service is wrong with the person. On the contrary, depression has been offerings on Allegheny's web-page substitute for hard-nosed exchange and other forms of experiential shown to be common in both men and women, but often goes in the section entitled about what this really means and learning is not just a fad but untreated because society has given it a negative connotation. Academics—listed just under what its practical benefits actually emerges from the realization that It is unfortunate that depression remains one of the only majors. are. hands-on experience and practical Recently, "synthesis" has common conditions that the general population does not treat Interdisciplinary minors include know-how is simply the other side American Studies, Health Studies, become a buzz-word across a wide of the coin from interdisciplinarity. as an illness. One analogy is that depression is likened to range of social and cultural Finally, social critics have been diabetes. It is a lifelong disease that cannot be cured, but can Black Studies, Gay and Lesbian Studies, and Art and the contexts. Images of "coherence upping the ante in recent years by be treated. Other than a biological or genetic difference, those Environment. Multidisciplinary and connection, collaboration and that suffer from depression are no different from their peers. challenging positivistic and minors include Caribbean and community, clustering and linking, technocratic thinking about While appropriate and helpful treatment does exist here Latin American Studies, Media interrelation and integration" have at Allegheny, its potential is often left untapped. We would "progress." Studies and Medieval and begun to dominate course design Efforts to imbue participatory hope that students, faculty, and administration alike would rise Renaissance Studies. and the curriculum at all kinds of democracy in America with new above the prevailing myths and stereotypes to learn more about Interdisciplinary minors are institutions of higher learning. vitality go hand in hand with the symptoms, effects, and treatment of depression. organized around a "synthesis" Much of the pressure to do so education that insists that students course, generally taken in the has come from the increasingly see their education as more than junior year, to help students think global post-industrial market-place simply a detached academic more rigorously and systematically and from the intensifying demands exercise, as something that will about how to integrate courses of citizenship in a society faced prepare them not only for success from different disciplines. Such with deepening environmental in the system but give them the courses may attempt to build crisis and informational overload. wherewithal to reshape the system bridges between the sciences and Expertise, the technocratic to meet head-on the ecological and the humanities by applying theory response to modernization, led at cultural crisis we currently face. and methodology. They may offer the end of the 19 th century to the Obviously, interdisciplinarity is All editorials represent the majority opinion of the connections with experiential emergence of the modern not for everyone. To do it right Editorial Board. learning, and they may place issues 'university, with its distinct involves a fundamental in an historical or environmentalist departmental boundaries. How- reorientation of the learning perspective. ever, it is now seen by many process. What we learn cannot be Multidisciplinary courses employers and admissions boards thought of as so many beads on a simply offer students the of graduate and professional string or neat packages or opportunity to put together courses schools to fall far short of compartments. Rather it must be in similar topic areas in order to adequately preparing students to imagined more like a snowball develop a broader basis for deal with the amazingly complex rolling down a hill, where the new understanding. In either case, and multi-faceted issues that face material takes its place in relation these "special" minors offer an society at the outset of the 21" to everything that went before it. important supplement to century. In such a model, consciousness Allegheny's traditionally robust Medical schools for instance emerges as an intrinsic aspect of majors, the opportunity to place have begun favoring liberal arts the object of study; what we their areas of expertise within graduates over those who have examine cannot be isolated from broader perspectives. fulfilled science prerequisites to who we are and how we see the Though they have been around the detriment of perspectives in the world. If this sounds like your sort for several years now, the special of thing, then I ,urge you to The Campus welcomes all reader response. We reserve the right to reject humanities and social sciences. minors still enroll relatively few consider undertaking an all letters of a purely promotional nature, as well as letters which do not After all, successful doctoring students. Whether or not they are interdisciplinary minor. It may meet our standards of integrity, accuracy and decency. Opinions expressed in today's world more than ever even aware of the existence o1 indeed wind up transforming your in Letters to the Editor, editorial columns and editorial cartoons do not involves social skills, humanitarian these "liberal arts" offerings, it is concerns, the capacity to education, your sense of purpose in necessarily reflect the views of The Campus. The deadline for submission clear that many students at the understand and work within an the world and your ultimate of letters is 5 p.m. the Monday before publication. Letters must be typed College still have little sense of increasingly conflict-ridden system potential not only to succeed in and signed, with a phone number included for verification. Any letter that why they should be interested in of health care, and the ability to life, but to make a material cannot be verified will not be printed. pursuing them. negotiate the wilderness of difference to society. To put it quite simply, we now information and competing David Miller is an Associate All questions concerning the above policy should be directed to the live in an increasingly inter- approaches which make up the Professor of English. Reader Advocate. disciplinary world. An article in field. How one relates to one's
The Last Page Crossword 101 Personals By Ed Canty " Jockeying For Position " Furd:s eds
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By GFR Associates E-Mail : [email protected] Mail: GFR, P.O. Box 461, Schenectady, NY 12301 HMV SCHMENDRICK: INTERGALACTIC NEON PIG EXTRAORDINAIRE HABITAT By Jeff Heller Hein/ olc, F4 s 4,roo.3k from page 5 Sp&-ct There's Sydney Lav*61c Sp..ce-drunK4 required to pay a $10 registration fee by April 7. Registration I wonder Wt)..t sort forms and pledge sheets are available throughout Meadville. of fwist ed sup tr According to Walpole, Habitat is quite far from reaching it's fill entwo l-er $35,000-40,000 goal. "If you had asked us at the beginning of last year, we would have told you that we can raise [the money] that we were looking for in two years," he said. "We haven't contacted alumni yet, but we're very far from $17,000 right now."
♦ ktrE arc of4c•is Unfortunately, for the group, student participation around cam- pus is fairly low. "Our projects have been going well, when we've had them," said Or you Could choose to crico,4-ler 34_ Or should I k...vt. 5+, 6( Walpole. "We started out with a great group of volunteers, but 6ck,1 door PA -1 1 4-he or we're seeing that group dwindle. It may be that we lost some mo-
41 +I., g uy P4,+3 f. mentum after break, when we didn't have many projects that could ( S 1 96) derm...kl y the be completed in the cold weather. Some people find it difficult to guy wake up on Saturday mornings too." pa,,t3 Anyone interested in joining Habitat for Humanity is invited to attend the group's weekly meeting held on Thursday nights at 7 in the Student Activities room. "We also have an e-mail list that we use to notify our members Ta be coryl- nwe) of projects," said Walpole. "To get on our e-mail list, write to Only two days left to enter Heimy's "Create a Character" contest!
It's always tease, tease, tease. You' re You want the TRUTH? Inside The Compost you will find happy when I' m on my knees. One day You can't HANDLE the delight after delight, my dear chil- dren. Tiptoe through the tulips... it's fine, the next it's black... TRUTH.
since 1965 "A bad newspaper is Vol.uminous, aren't we? a joy forever." Happy April Fool's —Mark Twain Day! Agony Declares War On Canada
By ZEN MIDGET Pebble anyway; this place Bahama Mama sucks." Dean of the College Number Up on the hill at fair Agony, Two said he supports Bona- administration is chortling de- parte's decision to invade the Canada lightedly over a recent develop- frozen north. "What the hell else ment. Agony has declared war on are we going to do with all the Canada, according to a mass e- history majors?" he asked (see mail sent to the student body article, below right). "They'll be from President N. Richard Bona- our scouts." saskatoon parte's office yesterday after- Regina Site of bombing yesterday Two was enthusiastic about Winnipeg noon. the College's preparedness for * afternoon Bonaparte, whose admini- Ifjl er (tali such a large venture. "Wait til t 1\-"" stration stands behind him in you hear this, you idiot," he gig- Bismarck what they term his "boldest ges- gled to this reporter. "The Wise ture" yet, spoke with The Com- Center is a huge Transformer and Pierre post regarding this decision. when we need it, it'll stand up Madison "Agony is quite prepared for and walk to Canada and spray Des Mai es I vela this," he said. "We've been hik- poisonous gas for a 500-mile Denver; United Sp mgfield ing up tuition and lowering the radius." ,t) —States-- -Topeka quality of services around here Two continued, "Once we *1 OA for years, in order to build up our have Canada on its knees, we'll ONWARD, SOLDIERS—President of the College N. Richard Bonaparte declared war against Canada yesterday. The nuclear weapons arsenal." be able to build more pseudo- map shows Mudville as well as the site of the initial bomb attack. Stunned, this reporter could gyms and pseudo-dorms, and —art by Zen Midget (it there was a face in this map, you'd be able to SEE it) only shake her head. Looks like then we'll take over the United we missed a rather large story. States. Muahaha." We just figured they needed to An official college bean- pay the faculty more. United Kingdom Does Not Exist counter explained the rationale The faculty apparently behind the upcoming Nuking of be a riot to put one over on them, moment, we were only teaching thought so too. "I'm royally the North. "We'd really like By SLOB BITCHIN' pissed," said Professor Mohatma and before anyone knew it, things one of the joke classes, and it was some more money," he said . Soul Brothah #1 had just developed into this just the history of "England". We Gandhi. "I thought I'd finally be "Stuff s getting expensive, you massive creation." decided that if we wanted this able to stop living on macaroni a surprise announcement, know? This college is leaking In Professor Southern is on "country" to be believable, we'd History de- and cheese." money like a drippy enchilada Allegheny College's sabattical, and was unavailable for need to integrate its history with partment ended a long-standing The Compost pressed Bona- leaks whatever the hell is in en- comment. that of the real world." hoax last Thursday, when they parte for further information, chiladas. Anyway they have a lot Ottoman refuted Santana's Because of this, professor revealed the complete nonexistence asking him where the arsenal is of money in Canada." explanation, adding, "it took us Drizzle proceeded to fabricate of the United Kingdom. located. "Oh, in Caflisch," he Ben something like a week to come up what we now call "The American Caflisch resident "It's true, we basically made it replied. "Why in the world else with all the stuff. I've got a Revolution." Scrooge, when questioned about all up," admitted professor Carlos would we not remodel that go- brother in the publishing business "It seemed so simple," Drizzle – whether he ever suspected any Santana. "I don't know, I guess it dawful place? It served us well; who-owed me a favor, so we sent continued. "Why not integrate this doomsday plans on the part of just started off as a gag, but it got nobody really knows how to get the administration, told The him this big list of dates and "England" into our own American around in there, so hiding our out of hand." [expletive deleted] and just told history? All we had to do was say Compost to bug off. revelation comes as a The him to go nuts." that our "war" happened so far nuclear weapons was relatively "You people are such dorks," shock to many groups on campus, Unfortunately for the back in history that no one could simple." he said. •"I never read your stu- most directly those students pursu- pranksters, the practical joke re- really dispute the matter." The late Oliver Twist, a resident of pid paper and neither do any of ing degrees in "English" history. ceived a more positive reception 1700s were settled upon as a Caflisch, said he wasn't overly According to Santana, the elab- my friends." than expected. Students rushed to sufficiently distant period, and the surprised. "This place is a pit," The Compost orate hoax began as a practical We here at sign up for the new "English" his- ruse continued. he said. "I guess it makes sense joke more than a decade ago. wish Scrooge and his friends the tory course. Rather than end the Other professors soon began to that they're using it to house "Me and some of the guys from best of luck in the coming nu- facade, though, the professors de- follow Drizzle's lead. "Patsy's weapons of mass destruction." the department...[history professors clear winter. cided to carry it farther. idea of a fake war was right on the Other students questioned Lucky] Southern and [Roger] "Well, students were reacting money," agreed Santana, "so I de- Ottoman were there, I think...were expressed disgust. "Whatever," with such enthusiasm, we thought veloped one of my own. My area down at Otter's, tossing back a snorted sophomore Cher Horow- —seek and ye shall find— it might be fun to stick with it, just of interest is French history, so I few. Well, we got to talking about itz. "I'm transferring to Slimy for a little while longer," said pro- decided to concoct this "long- the student body, and how it'd just fessor Patsy Drizzle. "But at the standing rivalry" between The Compost is a satirical supplement to The Campus published once yearly. Opinions expressed in The Compost do not necessarily reflect the opinions of The Campus. This stuff is not true; it's intended solely for chuckles. It's all in fun and we hope you enjoy it. —The Campus staff Newds The Compost Shady Shit The Compost Ass compiled by Jail Peapod •Your Mama was seen leaving •Pelletier Library was robbed •A student living off-campus my house at six a.m. this morning. yesterday in what was apparently was shocked yesterday when he Can you identify this Agony Sources say Your Mama looked some sort of twisted, warped returned home from class to find • "messed UP, but satisfied." Your prank. All of the library's his humble abode little more than a booty? Mama could not be reached for books-35 total—were stolen pile of dust. Bats circled overhead. comment. between the hours of 3 and 5 a.m. Local authorities report that the Security has no leads, but they did house spontaneously combusted. say that they think it was probably •A suspicious individual was a comping senior gone berserk. 'That darn TV is still missing seen lurking in the trees outside from Brooks Hall. Security has no Ravine Hall Tuesday evening. Se- leads but they're considering the curity has no leads, but they think •Security reported a minor con- possibility that the ghosts took it. it was probably one of the fresh- flagration in Brooks Hall Wednes- meat students they thought had day, stating, "the roof, the roof, the •A student asking to remain transferred after the first semester. roof is on fire." Individuals sent to unidentified told The Compost that "She probably just got lost trying extinguish the blaze claimed no she indeed did "want scrubs," to find that damn place," a Secu- need for water to combat the al- stating, "a scrub is .a man who rity officer commented. leged fire. could likely get a more than mod- erate amount of love from me." Campus Thongs
•A scholarship is now available •A co-ed naked dance-off will -Professors from all depart- for next year's seniors at Agony be held this Saturday, April 1, at ments announced a threat to go on College. It will be awarded to the 7:30 p.m. in the Wise Center strike if they have to read one more student who shows the best skills Dance Studio. Use of mirrors is comp this semester. All students in video games, wrestling 'mandatory, and acrobats are have been advised to discontinue techniques, beer pong, shopping, welcome. Proceeds go toward next comp writing until further notice. and Instant Messaging. The year's Orgasm Dance Co. Negotiations are pending. money will be used toward books performance. that should never be opened and -New students Dave Matthews, quarter drafts while comping. See -The Caffeine Haven is now Courtney Thorne Smith and the Office of Student Affairs for serving new beverages. They Brittney Spears will matriculate applications. include the "Mochaholic," "Java next fall. The College plans to pay Buzz" and "Kahlua Creamers." for luxury housing for the three by -The 'Environmental Science Must be consumed while playing hiking tuition another 20 percent. Department is sponsoring a Toxic such games as "Shoulders," "Ass- Notices to all parents will be in the Dump-off on April 22 at French hole," "Crazy Eights," and "I mail along with billing statements. Creek. Bring all extraneous toxic Never." Agony ID required. waste and recyclables to be disposed of at the Creek. •Mindjo Bidness, an Ebonics Professor from Indahood Tech, •Mariott Dining Services will •BitchFest 2000 is scheduled to will be speaking at Ford Chapel be offering six new tasty treats in Wednesday, April 3 at 8:00 p.m. be held on Friday, April 7 for all April. Entrees will include Mouse student interest group whiners. If The title of his talk will be "D'is Be Spleen Suckotash, Toenail My Jam," and will cover inner city you or your group would like to Clipping Quiche, Belly Button Lint music and fashion. 'attend, please show no Bullion, Chicken Gizzard Nuggets, consideration for anyone else. Monkey Meatballs, Greasy Pork Sandwiches Served in a Dirty Ash -The Compost will be getting laid every Wednesday night from •ACCEL will be offering a "Get Tray. Please come to Brooks, Schultz or McKinley's for the tasty now until the end of the year. All Yo' Own Damn Job" day Monday, those sexy enough and interested in April 10 at 3 a.m. Come to the entrees, and the Mariott Servers will be wearing nothing but hair- participating, please stop by the office of Career Services, but no Newds room. one will be there to assist you. nets and flip-flops.
Hey you... The Compost Dorks C How To Avoid Them Speditorial Bored: Bahama Mama: Zen Midget Ross, Rachel, Monica, Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, Linus, No, we don't want your number. Lucy, Charlie, Snoopy, Sally & The Little Red-Haired Girl Lookin' good. No, Soul Brothah #1: Slob Bitchin No, we don't wanna give you ours. really, baby. You're No, we don't wanna meet you nowhere... Amphetamine Delirium: beautiful. You The. Bahama Mama and Soul Brothah have Rainbow Brite, Xena, Dr. Quinn: Medicine Woman, Papa should really write Propaganda Mismanager: MIA LIVES, and do not EVER hold office hours Smurf, The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, God, The for The Compost. Devil & Bob There, you will find News Spreaders: Earnest Earwig, Spleenless Gimp: Slammin' Hardballs Klueless Hardsuck Purple Butterfly: Giovanni Paulo Macaroni other dead sexy Loser: Lame Fosterchild Cosmetic Consultant: Ketchup Stain To place an advertisement or classified ad, call yo kids, and experi- Lost in Wisconsin: In Rehab Ass Editors: Scabby Hooligan, Zadermeister, Turn Pike mama. We don't wanna hear about it. ence the freedom of Sorpts Editor: Chuck Wagon Assistant Sorpts Editor: Brick House getting laid to- If you see any of these people around campus, promptly Pornography Editor: The Rock Assistant Pornography Editor: many positions available gether every Capitalist Pig-Dog: Heidi And Seek spit on them. No one will blame you. Flunky Manual Laborer: Lame Fosterchild Wednesday night.
Pert TO Cent § Ives Shits & Giggles
SPEDITORIAL THE RAH! RAH! REE! RAH! RAH! RASS!
COMPOST We' ye Soiled Ourselves CHEER A truly amazing event has transpired, and we here at The By Compost are still shifting uncomfortably in our seats, because KICK 'EM IN KICK 'EM IN THE we've wet ourselves. What, you might ask, is so incredible? CticTsfick THE KNEE! OTHER KNEE! You might guess it was the fact that Agony has declared war on Canada. That's certainly incredible, and we'd just like to Whining to the Speditor say that we would really rather they remodeled some of the dorms or bought some new carpet or something. Or, hey, how about some books for the library? Or non-hockey-puck I' m Too Sexy for This Paper you have to be to write for The cookies? I am writing to address an hard and proved myself wor- Compost? I realize that their cur- But anyway. You might also guess that the incredible event issue that has made me very sad. thy—a member of the staff, and rent staff holds itself to ex- I was walking past The Compost perhaps Zen Midget's personal is the discovery that history majors are in for some long, cold, tremely high standards of sexi- newsroom the other day and I love slave. hungry winters. That's pretty unbelievable too, although we ness, and I must say I admire was lonely and looking for corn- Miss Midget responded kind of saw it coming. them for it. I just wish they panionship. So I looked inside scornfully to my pleas, and I was And it's also not the fact that Agony is the proud owner of chased from the room by a pack would share their glory and and I was utterly shocked. splendor with the rest of us. its very own Drunk Bus, although we think that's great. We My fellow Agonians, you of newsies brandishing Exacto- Please, beautiful newsies, let me wonder why our student leaders thought it was so necessary, would not believe how sexy knives. I was told that I am not nearly sexy enough to write for into your mystical inner circle. though. Hmmmm. those people are. It's like some kind of strange alternate universe The Compost. No, the incredible event is simply this: the editorial you are I ask you, is this fair? Where QUASIMODO where physical perfection is Sophomore reading right now was typed on something called a nothing unusual. I couldn't take does the madness end? "computer." We at The Compost are not used to such modern And I would also like to say my eyes off them. Taken by their Editor's Note: luxuries, and we're still quivering with excitement. We beauty, I asked if I could be- that I'm not a horrifically repul- Boo Hoo. Cry me a river. —ZM quivered for a day or two when we first got the "computers," come—someday, if I worked sive person. I mean, how sexy do and only recently were we able to remain calm enough to actually turn them on. Like, Sorority Life is Really Hard Work Although we're very good at turning things on. See answer your question or what- I want this to be taken like ters. It's like amazing!!! But Quasimodo's letter, right. ever), but he's kind of not the really seriously. Okay, so here's there's more to it than that. Like boy you'd bring home to meet These "computers" will benefit you as well, loyal reader. what's up. We really, or maybe I we dress up, too, for formal Mommy and Daddy. Like he How, you ask? Pages will no longer be stained with the blood should say like you all, really, chapter. And that's a distinction drinks a lot. Like a lot. Like should like really start to take because we want people to know of section editors who, while cutting with Exacto-knives, often we're talking beer bong every something for real. Like, sorori- that we are like serious about slice off fingers and sometimes entire limbs. other weekend. And he studies, ties are really important. Like appearing sophisticated. Like, It has been a long and bloody struggle, dear readers, but now but he cuts a lot of corners. But, without sororities, this campus we're more than just drinking whatever. Usually, though, when at last we stand at the mountain's peak and gaze down would just about fall apart. So- and parties. We can balance our I go visit him at his frat house, triumphantly at the twisting trail of tribulations that we have rority girls are practically hold- work and still look good. And he's too busy smoking up, ing this place together. So you looking the part gets you intern- traveled. And with us always, from now until eternity, are wanking off, or watching pornos all should realize that the life of a ships. And that's what we're those beautiful machines you call "computers." to notice that I'm there. And I'm sorority girl is really much going for. While you march on Canada, we think we're just going to not sure if he really knows my harder than most. But I'm not saying like other name, just that I'm a GDL girl hang out here and work on our monitor-tans. It truly is a Cause we have to be every- people on campus don't have and that I'm really really smart in wonderful world. where. Chapter meetings, for- priorities, too, just because Physics. But whenever he's mals, parties, rush, run-out, pin- they're not in a sorority. I know stoned, he gets this really dreamy flings. Um, hello? And they everybody has work and com- look like "what the hell is going expect us to have like really high mitments but the thing is, All speditorials represent a sudden urge to whine on here," kind of like the far-off GPAs, so when the hell am I though, there is a lot of added gaze of all the t enterfolds in the about something that really melts our butter. supposed to find time to make pressure on sorority girls to date Abercrombie and Fitch cata- my hallway obstructions - oops! frat boys, and that is like an logues, and that just makes me I mean Li'l Sis decorations AND added variable. Like you have to melt. So, I guess we're still to- study? The whole point system know who's who and the shadi- gether. is in place to make sure the sis- ness factor is constantly shifting So you can see that sororities ters are not like letting other from one frat to another, so my are a lot more stress than most things take precedence in their sisters have to be really careful people think. Like do you be- lives, so people should really so we don't date someone from The Compost welcomes nothing from you, peasant. We reserve the right lieve I have to deal with all of realize that we have obligations. the sketchball chapter that to reject anything, because unbeknownst to you, but knownst to us, we this on a daily basis? But at least Not to mention a reputation. month. Do you know what I are the hippest kids in town. We reserve the Jacuzzi suites at the Holiday I have my sisters to support me. It's really important to wear your mean? Inn for Zen Midget's birthday. Opinions expressed in Letters to the Speditor Who totally know what I'm go- sorority's paraphernalia so that I guess that's what's sort of a ing through and who will always are generally as trite and inane as the people who wrote them. The dead- your fellow peers can identify problem for me right now, be- be there for me. Just as long as I line for submission of letters is 4:13 am. Eeediots who fail to meet this you as belonging. Like Gotta cause I'm sort of like seeing a like pay my dues. deadline will have their limbs removed with an Exacto-knife and will be Drinka Lotta is my sorority, and frat boy—I know what you're locked in one of our file cabinets until we get a little R-E-S-P-E-C-T. that's basically who I am. It's thinking, like are you dating him like a distinction that people or what because I "see" a ton of All questions concerning the above policy will be shoved directly up know you and what you're all people everyday—(okay, so I Ketchup Stain is Cosmetic Con- your ass, making you pleasantly uncomfortable. about, just by wearing three let- guess we're like sort of dating to sultant for Pectpersives Newds The Compost Agony Students Get In Touch With Dead available, and they're plentiful. email to Lind out which dead indifference, O'Stoodentz cited the depraved institution. Well, if he By SLOB BITCHIN' There arc literally a million times people students would like to see poor turnout for last year's Coff-in were alive." Soul Brothah #1 more dead acts out there today than on campus." to raise money for the Meadville Overall, though, the GAP live ones." This initiative marks a historic cemetery, as well as the lack of program is meeting with positive Due to difficulties in scheduling landmark in the college's policy of interest in Crossroads' "Last results. Drescher says she speaks a live act to perform this semester, Efforts have already begun to diversity. Over the past years, Meals" theme day. for GAP when expressing the ever-vigilant members of GAP find dead performers that will Agony College's enrollment rates Student and faculty support has optimism for the venture. "All that have turned to a low-cost appeal to the student body. of minority students have grown, a been largely positive. "In this remains to be done is to find some alternative: the dead. fact that some attribute to an world of the living, it's easy to available dead acts and schedule "It's surprising that no past "Right now, we're considering expanded activities list during such forget our dead brothers and them," she said. GAP administrations have thought Beethoven, Shakespeare, and that events as "Celibate Asia!" month, sisters," said Professor Jimmy Some word of the dead coming of this before," said spokesperson Bob Ross guy from PBS," said and to such organizations as Union "Fastball" Rodriguez of the Music to Agony has already leaked out. Fran Drescher. "I mean, the dead Drescher. "We'll also be sending Flatula. Department. "I've been teaching Last week, an enthusiastic crowd are cheap, they're always out a student questionnaire over With GAP's bold enlistment of the music of the dead for years, bedecked in tie-dyes and sandals dead performers, Agony now ends and all I have to say is, it's about hosted a marathon hacky sack its decade-spanning prejudice time they get some recognition." session in front of the campus against those persons of non- But GAP's plan is not without center, in support of GAP's Drunk Bus Makes participational lifestyles, and its setbacks. One performer initiative in bringing the dead to extends the hand of acceptance to originally set to visit Agony was campus. dead citizens worldwide. comedian John Belushi (deceased). The group was gently but Dean of Students Dean Belushi broke off his engagement, firmly informed of the error in New Pitt Stops O'Stoodentz strongly supports however, upon learning of Agony's their understanding, at which point bringing the dead to campus. "The reputation as an "Animal House." they dispersed. "Hopefully this will help us majority of live students at Agony A spokesperson for Belushi told Drescher cautioned the student SLAMMIN' HARDBALLS grow some flowers in the yard," typically do not consider the tastes reporters for The Campus, "If John body to stay realistic in its hopes The Spleenless Gimp said Twig president, Perfect of their deceased classmates when had caught wind of that, he would for seeing favorite dead performers Genital-man, "and this may bringing activities to the college," have done a spit-take, possibly like Janis Joplin or Kurt Cobain, The Agony Student encourage more to come to our said O'Stoodentz. "Even worse, spraying cheap whiskey through however. "We don't want to count Government's (ASG) Drunk Bus lame-o dance parties." many do not attend the few pro- his nose, and screaming and our chickens before they're directors have, in response to The idea for more stops stems dead events that are scheduled." heaving bottles around. Mr. hatched," she said. "After all, student demand, added two new from a slew of past incidents of As examples of this apparent Belushi would not attend such a these people are dead." convenient stops. Now, Drunk accidents on the Drunk Bus. Bus drivers will allow passengers "Last Friday I had to drive to take vomit and pee breaks around the whole night with the CANADA from some other place during their journey. awful puke smell," said Drunk Bus "England" and France." when questioned as to the validity "Up until a couple years ago, we Beginning this weekend, the driver, Meat Loaf. "The stench Added Santana, "after all, who of rumors regarding the origin of thought it was true too, but the new puke station is located on haunted me for days..." really goes to France, anyway? McKinley's new chicken tenders. government finally leveled with us. West College Street, the front lawn His passengers included Tonic How could they disprove it?" He The scandal does not affect I think it was the socialized health of Mr. Mean Eyebrow, the and his housemate, Jack-off then went on to snicker noisily, and History students alone. Upon care that broke 'em down." campus' angry man and president Smirnoff, who was celebrating his asked to be excused. being faced with the truth Fellow "English" student Pip of Against Agony College (AA). 21' birthday last Friday. "After And so the hoax continued. As professors in other departments Carpenterson concurred with LeR- "This will just give Eyebrow the first 18 shots, it was nothing," the popularity of "England" grew, admitted their own complicity. oux' story. "They made us watch something else to bring up at those said Smirnoff. "I didn't even feel it began to spread to other colleges, "It seemed harmless enough," `Trainspotting,' and all these pointless AA meetings," said ASG the last three, until the ride home, along with the faculty-shared truth. answered professor and former `Monty Python' reruns, until they "English" history courses were be- President, Dick Tator. then everyone felt it." dean J. Z. Baldman. "I think the thought we were ready." ing taught across America, by edu- "I am very excited about the The pee stop was advised by attitude was, 'why not have some "It turns out that Monty Python cators with tongue firmly in cheek. new heave stop," said senior Gin many students to include in .the fun with the students?' " is actually Australian," said Car- "It had become an enormous N. Tonic, avid bar goer. "Now not Drunk Bus's trips. Baldman is known on campus penterson (in reality, Gustav industry, and it was unstoppable," for classes on the "English" only can I puke and go back to the "Like thank goodness I had Lederhosen). "Who knew?" said professor Samuel Katz, who playwright, William Shakespeare. This cruel lie is sure to have se- bars in one trip, but I can also piss grabbed extra napkins at the bar to teaches several "English" history In interview, he admitted that he vere consequences for the Al- soak up the emergency I had on the off the Mean Eyebrow in the courses here at Allegheny. "This got the name "William legheny student body. Said one process!" bus," said junior Drippy was like nothing before. I've been Shakespeare" from a low-budget student, "I just finished a comp on Passengers will also be able to Wetstockings. around for centuries, so I should 70s science-fiction film. Queen Elizabeth II, and it turns out take advantage of the pee station, "I'm really thrilled about the know. This was even bigger than "I think I saw it on the late-nice she doesn't even exist. How am I which is right outside of the new stops," said President of when they came up with creature feature," said Baldman. supposed to get a job now?" Other Twigs' fraternity house, where the Agony College, Eilean Wright. `Environmental Science.' " "It was called 'Night of the Willie students express similar concerns bushes can conceal indecently "Last time I rode the bus back Katz concluded by stating, "I Shaker' or something. There were about the so-called "knowledge" exposed parts. The exact piece of from the bars, the damn thing am the Highlander. I am Immortal. these frog-looking guys, and they that they have paid tuition to ac- grass that the Drunk Bus wouldn't stop anywhere for a pee There can be only one." wanted our women or something. quire. passengers wish to fertilize is up to break. I had to sit with my legs What impact does this revela- Crazi-ness!" The revelation has caused many the individual. crossed the whole time." tion have on Allegheny students? Several "English" foreign ex- students to express concern about Ottoman told reporters, "well, in change students have also other possibly fictional de- the past, we would always take all acknowledged the falsity of their partments on campus. "Dude, my the History majors aside upon supposed country of origin, once roommate takes all these Comm WHO WANTS TO MAKE OUT? graduation and let them in on the presented with the truth. Arts classes, but, like, I never see truth." When asked if this policy "I knew it couldn't last" replied him actually do any work." had ever compromised the security exchange student William Critch- [Editor's note: the nonexistence The Compost wants to know of the scam, Ottoman replied, "Of field, whose real name is Francis of the Comm Arts department has if there are any hot guys or course not. As you can guess, this LeRoux. LeRoux is in actuality a actually been acknowledged by the is an industry that produces a great Canadian, and was approached by department itself for some twenty sexy chics out there who deal of money. It's relatively college officials about the matter. years now.] want to make out. Come on, simple to accommodate these "This guy named Mike Lloyd students in well-off, out-of-the- called one day, and asked if I'd be As concerns grow, blame for you know you want to make out way areas, once we have interested. They were offering a the situation returns to the depart- with someone! Come to the newsroom confirmed their silence." lot of money, so I accepted it. I ment of history, and the hoax's When questioned about those didn't know what a big operation it founders. every Wednesday between 8 and 11 p.m. with your students whose confidence cannot was, eh?" "We never meant to hurt any- own chapstick. Clothing and toys are not necessary. be secured, Ottoman declined com- As a Canadian, LeRoux was one," insists Santana. "We were ment. He further refused statement familiar with the "England" myth. just trying to have some fun." ;The mpsL ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ II ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ n d ••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••Cuz There's Gonna Be A Shindii •••••••••••••••••••••••••• In The Barn... Agony Voted Most Liberal College in the Nation
By IN REHAB che. Psyche. Psyche. Psyche. Psy- We're just kidding. We're just all up. We made it all up. We a joke. It was a joke. It was a joke. Lost In Wisconsin che. Psyche. Psyche. Psyche. Psy- kidding. We're just kidding. made it all up. We made it all up. It was a joke. It was a joke. It was che. Psyche. Psyche. Psyche. Psy- We're just kidding. We're just We made it all up. a joke. It was a joke. It was a joke. It Psyche. Psyche. Psyche. Psy- che. Psyche. Psyche. Psyche. Psy- kidding. We're just kidding. Haha. Haha. Haha. Haha. was a joke. It was a joke. It was a che. Psyche. Psyche. Psyche. Psy- che. Psyche. Psyche. We made it all up. We made it Haha. Haha. Haha. Haha. Haha. joke. It was a joke. It was a joke. che. Psyche. Psyche. Psyche. Psy- We're just kidding. We're just all up. We made it all up. We Haha. Haha. Haha. Haha. Haha. che. Psyche. Psyche. Psyche. Psy- kidding. We're just kidding. made it all up. We made it all up. It was a joke. It was a joke. It was Haha. Haha. Haha. Haha. Haha. che. Psyche. Psyche. Psyche. Psy- We're just kidding. We're just We made it all up. We made it all a joke. It was a joke. It was a joke. Haha. Haha. Haha. Haha. Haha. che. Psyche. Psyche. Psyche. Psy- kidding. We're just kidding. up. We made it all up. We made it It was a joke. It was a joke. It was Haha. Haha. Haha. Haha. Haha. Chewin' the Fashion Fat with Barbie B. (Good times.) By IN REHAB BB: Yes, I am wearing quite a Lost in Wisconsin pretty suit. Thank you.
After learning that the Former TC: What would happen if you First Lady, Mrs. Barbara B. her- were to wear an ugly suit? self, was visiting a local Mudville dressmaker for last minute addi- BB: That would never happen, I tions to her spring wardrobe, I de- assure you... cided to arrange an interview with the renowned Queen of Fashion. FC: What if all of your pretty suits Mrs. B. and I met in The were dirty? Compost's newsroom for a brief BB: That's blasphemy. chat. She arrived punctually, laden in white pearls, slightly dressy TC: Okay, so what do you think pumps, a coifed hairdo, and a plaid about Hillary? Was she a fitting wool dregs suit. After a quick replacement for you? jaurit around the Agony campus, we settled in to tackle some major BB: Please, don't get me started issues. about that one... FIRST IN FASHION—Former First Lady and present Queen of Fashion, one Barbara B., meets with Compost reporter In Rehab for an in-depth interview. -photo by Jail Peapod The Compost: What do you think TC: No, no, the readers of The of the Agony College campus? Compost would love to know! Agony on the Weekends Barbara B.: Oh it's nice, I guess, BB: Do you see the kind of suits though it is rather difficult to walk that that girl wears? It's rather By LAME FOSTERCHILD A stop sign and a few red lights frequenters of his house do. J.D. gave a warm welcome, which cu- around in my pretty pumps. That embarrassing, I think, for her hus- Loser . later, our correspondent arrived at hill gave me a nasty corn. band. -I-'m surprised he won any the home of a certain Mr. Morgan. riously got warmer and warmer as election with her and her ridiculous Believe it or not, Agonians, Mr. Morgan, otherwise known as the visit progressed. As time was TC: How is it not being the First "fashiopable" suits. Mudville is chock full of enter- "The Captain," in an attempt to be at a premium, our correspondent Lady of this country? tainment possibilities each week- more diverse, appears in various tried to get as much out of J.D. as TC: So what you're saying, cor- end. The disenchanted homework forms and colors, spiced and silver. he could, and upon leaving, prom- BB: Oh it's all right, I guess, rect me if I'm wrong, is that to win slave only needs to look past the Our correspondent visited with the ised to go back for more. though it is rather sad that all of a political election, you've got to hall pogroms and look in the right Captain for a generous stint, but Standing outside, our corre- my pretty suits are no longer al- have a partner with pretty suits? places. seeing that his work was not yet spondent could no 'longer remem- ways in the public eye. I think that We at The Compost sent a cor- done, felt the 'need to explore the ber what color the van was, so he was the best part. BB: Damn straight. respondent into the field to en- other opportunities that Mudville trekked to Loomis Street for a date lighten the layperson of the bounti- has to offer. with St. Paulie's Girl. The hosts TC: Being in the public eye is the TC: Did you tell your son about ful weekend opportunities. Our correspondent boarded the were extremely hospitable, and best part about being the First The first stop on the tour was to van once again, with a little bounce continued to replenish our corre- this? spondent's frothy libations. In Lady, then? wait for a bus, where a man emit- to his step. A short trip up North between refreshments, the resi- BB: How do you think he won the ting an odor similar to that of fer- Main Street led him to a doorstep BB: Yes, you always get to wear mented yeast arrived in a white where he was introduced to one dents offered our correspondent primaries? little cubes of Jell-O, which he pretty suits. van that he had found running at a Mr. Jack Daniels. Mr. Daniels graciously accepted despite their TC: Oh, I see... local establishment only hours immediately insisted that our cor- respondent call him J.D., as all the these pumps are made for welkin' TC: Like the one you're wearing? —stumble over to the next page... — earlier.
Tight End The Compost
I Was Yust, You Know... PUMPS A column bg Jail Peapod ;aka Mr. Garden Guy) from way, way, way, far away wardrobe, for one thing. And Ask Mr. Garden Guy myself. All my homeys down at the farm know that BB: Of course you do. Everyone - Georgey and I like to reminisce raw potato is a peerless taste treat. Nothing beats that goes on and on about how it's all This here is my very first column. It's a about the Gulf War on some starchy deliciousness. Why someone would want to about politics. I say, "No way! question and answer column that's all about stuff that Thursday evenings. spoil that goodness by cooking a potato -- boiling, grows in the ground that us experts like to call plants. It's all about pretty suits!" frying, what have you -- is really beyond my personal Specifically, I'm talking about plants that people plant comprehension. Also, eating a medium-sized raw TC: Why not every Thursday eve- themselves in gardens, as opposed to bad plants like the TC: So what was your favorite potato every day has been acknowledged as a reliable ning? dandelion and the milkweed, which are abhorred in room in the White House? home remedy for syphilis. gardening circles around the world and even in BB: Oh, you know... Antarctica. BB: My closet. Q: Syphilis? The plants that I'm going to discuss in my TC: So have you seen any of the column are of many varieties, as long as they were TC: It's full of pretty suits, I'm A: Yessir! And motion sickness, in some instances, recently released productions about placed into the soil by the hard-working hands of assuming. although it's sometimes necessary to increase the American farmers and gardeners. And maybe Canadians. the Gulf War? dosage to a potato and a half to achieve full Sometimes these plants are vegetables. Sometimes BB: That's a silly question. effectiveness. BB: No, I prefer the theater. they are flowers. Sometimes they're tomatoes, which are actually fruit, believe it or not! I'll be providing all TC: Oh, I'm sorry. So do you Q: Wow. So, what about headaches? Is there anything TC: Why the theater? sorts of fun plant facts like that one. always wear pretty suits? Do you in the average garden that I can use? Q: My question concerns cucumbers. My girlfriend have any, say, pretty sweatpants or BB: So I can wear my pretty suits. buys them all the time, but I've never seen her eat one, pretty longjohns? A: Look here. This ain't no home remedy column. even when she visits a salad bar. When I ask her about But I have heard it told that if you split a good-sized it, she just says it's a "female thing" and I wouldn't BB: Oh, of course not. I'm the TC: Oh, of course. Well, Mrs. B., gourd -- preferably one that is slightly under-ripe -- and understand. It's causing real problems in our Queen of Fashion, not some old I'm afraid that we're out of time. I scoop out the seeds, if you wear that gourd around for a relationship. I don't feel like I can trust her if she can't housewife. only have one more question... few hours on the top of your skull, your headache be honest about these cucumbers. What's going on might just go away. It might also get worse. Hard to with that, and should I be concerned? tell without trying it yourself, I - suppose. TC: Did you receive a reward BB: Sure.
when you won the Queen of A: Mr. Garden Guy is no real expert on the mystery Fashion title? TC: These pearls, do you always that is the female mind, although he does know a lot Q: Is there anything else that a gourd is used for? wear them? about keeping your average cucumber plant in prime BB: Yes, it has my name on it. producing condition. But did you ask about that? No. A: Not especially, no. Gourd pie was once popular in BB: Always. Truly my stunning garden expertise is going to be Puritan circles, but never really caught on with the general public. TC: Wonderful. So what have wasted on you poor saps. Anyway, regarding your you been doing in the last eight TC: Even when you sleep and girlfriend, I would say that as long as she's not buying
years, if you don't mind me ask- shower? zucchini, too, there's probably not a serious problem. Q: Is it true that a cantaloupe was instrumental in the ing? At least, that's what my wife has always said when discovery of radium? BB: You'll have to ask Georgey she's buying cucumbers herself, that it's zucchini that
BB: Well, constantly updating my about that. really signals trouble. A: While that has been a prevalent rumor for some Q: Potatoes. Why do we cook them? time among cantaloupe aficionados, trustworthy sources tell me that it was actually through experiments A: That's a good question. I have often wondered this involving musk melon that radium was discovered.
members of Agony's local chapter of the Occult regularly meet in an undisclosed location to practice "what they do." We here at The Compost, though, hear that they serve fondue after their weekly engagements. Look for further information concerning the Occult and "what they do" in next week's issue of The Compost. STUMBLE from that other page our correspondent spotted a pizza Jagermeister's roommate. Jose strange aftertaste. The correspon- deliveryman just across the street. dent curiously noted that the more was strange in that he routinely Despite his offer to swap one shoe consumed fermented worms, but time he spent at the residence and and a pack of gum for the pizza, our correspondent chalked that the more Jell-O and drinks that he our correspondent was turned Tricky Dicky Look-a-Like Contest experience up to the cultural bar- consumed, the more attracted he away, left in hunger. After this rier. Fridays in the Campus Center was to St. Paulie's Girl. unsuccessful attempt, our corre- As difficult as it was to part As the night was peaking, and spondent must have stopped taking from her presence, our correspon- our correspondent vaguely remem- notes, for he cannot recall the re- dent knew that a job still needed to bers feeling unusually energetic mainder of his weekend expedi- be done. He proceeded to a multi- and happy, he decided to visit his tion, but vows that he will continue cultural house, where he was met classmate Buddence Weiser, his investigation next weekend. by a foreign exchange student known to his friends as Bud. Bud named Jaromir Jagermeister. Al- was the stereotypical American, So,-Agonians, the opportunities though this host took a little get- sporting his red and white colors in are plentiful, as our correspondent ting used to—a sort of acquired a rather patriotic fashion. With his has dutifully discovered. We do taste, if you will—he quickly put smooth greeting, Bud quickly offer one tidbit of advice—do not our correspondent at ease. While made friends with his guest. It attempt to crush an unusually large he must have been tired, for he must have been late, however, be- can, in the shape of a barrel, on stumbled through the door and cause another guest of Bud's later your fcahead after consuming its bumped into the kitchen table, our remarked at having seen our corre- contents. Although it may seem correspondent was intrigued by spondent talking to a coat rack, and like a good idea at the time, our Jagermeister's uniqueness. In the asking it to go home with him. correspondent's medical records living room, our correspondent seem to indicate the contrary. was introduced to Jose Cuervo, 'ININ am ma am am mu um mem Nom mo um; mm mom ma mme me =we am um moo I= me ma am um low =vs imm woe gm mos we Where The Action Is. Oh, Yeah. Students Hit the Showers: Majors Go Interdisciplinary
By SLOB BITCHIN' has approved the move, which spend some quality time on my Soul Brothah #1 & Sorpts Dept. Patsy mandates that a sport or physical swing." education class will now be required Professor of economics Tonto In keeping with Agony College's for each major. Whatsamatter expressed similar new program of departmental enthusiasm, and with good reason: integration, several departments on The list is tentative so far, but Whatsamatter is being named an campus announced the inclusion of currently includes a 200-level assistant coach of Agony College's Physical Education classes within Basketball course in the economics basketball team next year. their curriculums. department, and a 400-level "I guess they just figured, since I advanced frisbee course in spend most of my time on the courts environmental science. The decision comes from the as it is, they may as well hire me," high number of faculty members said Whatsamatter. "Cool." The reasoning for the upper-level As with any addition to the who spend most if not all their time nature of the ES frisbee class is that in Wiseguy Fickleness Center. curriculum, cutbacks are planned for most students in the department are certain departments. Dean Two already accomplished in the sport assured reporters for The Compost "It's a fairly common sense beyond the novice level. decision," said Dean of the College that careful consideration is being Number Two, who himself will be given to which classes will be cut, Some students on campus have however. teaching a tennis class next fall. expressed disappointment with the "Most of these guys are over there "We don't want this sports change, which comes relatively soon addition to hurt anyone's liberal arts most of the time as it is, anyway. after the elimination of the Physical Heck, at any given time there's education," said Two. Education requirement. Faculty Administrators and Crustees have probably a higher faculty-student members, however, are ecstatic. ratio on the racquetball courts than therefore decided to eliminate all in, say, Alden Hall." Introductory classes, Comps in the "This is great!" exhorted English and Psychology Chemistry professor Marky departments, and Ruter Hall. The Board of Crustees, who Sparrow. "I've been trying to work Dean Two admitted that the emerged from their burrow in the on my racquetball game since winter elimination of Ruter was "just for EC-ON THE COURT — Future Agony College Mudville diamond last month long break, but I keep having to hike all the hell of ii" Assistant Basketball Coach Tonto Whatsamatter enough to sign some forms and the way back to the bio building for displays his level of hoop-ness. forecast six more weeks of winter, this class or that. Now I can really —photo by SomebodySpecial Six N Sync Swimmers Went Bye, Bye, Bye backstroking her way to heaven to Tragedy struck in the Mellon lead, and headed for the bottom of "They were under forever," Mourners are asked not to eat for at Judy continued. "We didn't realize swim with Jesus now." least an hour prior to the service. Pool last weekend when the idea of the. pool. Tragedy ensued. In an effort to kill two birds unity was taken too far. "They've been trained to follow they had drowned until the bodies every movement of the lead started floating." with one stone, Agony College will —compiled by the entire Compost All six members of the syn- be holding a combined fu- chronized swimming team swimmer and stay synchronized," Parents of the swimmers ex- staff, with the exception of Chuck said Coach Mark Tyme. "What pressed their sorrow and pride. neral/awards ceremony to honor Wagon. Mr. Wagon will appear in drowned in a tragic accident. the victorious fallen swimmers. next week's Obituary. Sophomore Autumn Sandune came can I say? Shit happens." "I'm so proud of my baby. She down with a cramp in her pinky According to Judge Judy, "The was in perfect form when her body toe, causing her to attend to the team scored a posthumous first appeared. Her dead-man's float matter underwater. place for their outstanding syn- was dead on," said Vernal As she went down, her loyal chronization and long term Sandune, Autumn's mother. "She teammates blindly followed her breathing technique." died doing what she loved. She's
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*Possible side effects may include sneezing, congestion, mild heartburn, inflammation of mucous membranes, loss of limbs, paranoia and hallucinations, chlamydia, kennel cough, scarlet fever, that weird feeling on the back of your neck you know like when someone is reaching their hand towards you real slow but when you turn around they're not doing anything, influenza, ick, swimmer's ear, death, indigestion, headaches, dizziness, cramps, body odor, and tuberculosis. Hi Mom! The Lust Page------I Crassifieds I Crassifieds Klueless Gives Social Clues WANTED: Someone to write my The Spleenless Gimp, though Economics Senior Comprehensive By KLUELESS HARDSUCK "Cheesers," if you get my drift. date another brother or teammate. lacking inside, offers enough project. Will pay $1000 for a B or News Spreader The Sly Guy's just drink a lot. If you date a sorority girl, expect $2000 for an A. Ability to perform voluptuousness outside for makin' to he dragged to many formals Can you say "Wet Rush?" The orally in front of observant sweet love or just doin' the nasty. I Hi Kids! I'm Klueless, your where you have to wear a tie and have a nice pair of leopard print Squeegie's are scary. Never date economics professors a must. official tour guide to the rules and one. And the Iota Felta Lamb's listen to a bunch of stupid songs thongs. Call x2600. regulations of social life here at are back, some say better than while you sneak drinks if you're Biology scales for sale! Just like the Agony High. ever, with great grades and underage. If you're an athlete, ones you've seen in Steffee Hall. Lost: My white baseball hat. It's OK. First things first. Shit activities. They're super nice, but you must date another athlete. For more info call 332-THIEF. slightly browing and frayed at the spreads faster around here than a I miss the old ones; they were Never, ever, call a hookup the rim. If found, please return. sorority girl's legs after formals. hotties. day after. E-mail is the only form You must remember that this is a Now that you know all there of communication allowed. If Also available: a big screen TV House for rent. Students can move place of 1900 students. That is to know about Greek life at you hook-up with the person closely resembling the one in in immediately. Low rates. Missing means that everything you do is Agony, let's talk about the again, consider yourself officially Brooks Hall. Again, call 332- a living room floor. Please have watched over and talked about THIEF. athletes. They are perfect, and do "hooking-up" with that person. your people call our people. by everyone, and all of your no wrong on this campus. Just so This means no expected phone friends have a right to know you know, they have NEVER calls or dates (dating does not everyone you kiss, hook up with, stolen anything from this campus, exist here), but if/when you see If you can stand the heat, get out of Furniture Sale!!! High quality sleep with, talk to, say hi to, sit the kitchen. Come on down for our sofas, identical to the ones found in NEVER throw huge parties your hook-up out at a party, you next to in class, and smile at on SPRING BREAK IN HELL the CC Lobby. But not the same where people end up falling must talk to him/her, flirt, and the streets. Don't even try to SPECIAL OFFER. Rates as low ones. Really. Don't miss out on through floors, and certainly do sneak out together when you keep secrets, because your as the quality of your soul! ! ! All this deal!! not condone alcohol. Girls are think no one is looking. personal life is definitely naughty bastards welcome. Call 1 - always safe and should feel free Remember, however, that this is everyone's business at AHS. 800-GO2HELL or visit our website to get wasted at these houses, just in your mind, because rest OK, moving on. If you are at. www.gotohell.com. Lost: Grey Kitten, about 3 months because nobody will even think assured, we are all looking anc' going to come here, you must will definitely proceed to talk old. Loves to dress up and have her of taking advantage of you. learn all about the different about you and tell everyone else LIKE CATS?? picture taken. Answers to Princess groups on campus. Sorry, I'm Oh, and no matter what you at the party that you just left Meows-A-Lot. Please return my not .talking about those silly hear, there is always SO MUCH together. Call Chet's recipe exchange in darling little girl! I know she misses acronym groups, they don't really to do around here. The cops and Meadville, at 724-MEOW. We deal mommy! Finally, you must remember do anything anyway. I'm talking security NEVER spoil our fun. in exotics, domestics, and strays. to NEVER, EVER date someone about the really cool kids who There are lots of huge parties, and Try our classic, "Mom's Own" Pan- else's man or girl. This means throw all the best parties—the if there's no party to go to, there's Fritters. As seen on "Martha Positions available at the S&M never hook up with, kiss, talk to, Greeks and the athletes. always the option of drinking in Stewart Living." clinic. Let us whip you into shape! hang out with, smile at, or make For starters, I have to say that your room. Don't listen to the eye-contact with the ex- you should always go through RA's who tell you that you're not boyfriend, girlfriend, hook-up, rush. Why? Urn, let me allowed. They just say that, but crush, or obsession of your remember what they always tell offer them a beer, and watch how friend, acquaintance, roommate, us to say: It's lots of fun, you can fast they join you! It's great! hallmate, housemate, lab partner, meet so many people, it's great to In terms of non-alcoholic or the girl/guy who sits next to meet people, and it's lots of fun. options, of course there are lots. you in music class. This is Oh, and we do community as everyone in Admissions ane important. You'll be hated and service, too. the goody-goody clubs will tell you. But, this is only if you can talked about by that person and So here's the low-down. I am find someone to go with you. In all of his/her friends for your a Bringa Lotta Mola. You know, that case, make sure you really entire four years here. the ones who sing that song down like the person, because you'll be on our knees, and everyone the only two there. As for gossip, did you hear chuckles to themselves that we're What about academics on that Agony is trying to be good at being in that position. campus? Well, the smartest considered Ivy League? Wow, I We are the snobs who like to people are Biology and wonder why we're only shop and base everything on Chemistry majors, and the sell- considered second tier then... appearances. The Snappa Cracka outs who get weeded out turn to Who really DID steal the big Pops are the ones in the red and Environmental Science or screen TV from Brooks? I heard green all the time. Nobody's sure Psychology. Comm. Arts is for it was the Squeegie's, but they if they celebrate Christmas all dumb jocks who can't cut it get blamed for everything that the year long or if they're all very anywhere else. The Humanities athletes do. Plus, Loomis Street proud to be Italian. They wear are for the really "out-there" doesn't have a Squeegie house... ribbons in their hair and are liberals who just like to talk about Remember the time the Drunk always the loudest (and some say stuff but do nothing about it. Bus got stolen? That was most obnoxious) when all the Economics is mostly for boys, but awesome...Did you hear that Greeks get together and cheer. if you're a girl and need to find a Brittney Spears is DEFINITELY The Hadda Lotta Funna's are the date, take an Econ class—there's coming here next year? cool girls, but you have to be able sure to be some cutie baseball or Omygod! She should SO go to drink more than a guy to be a football players in your class. through rush. Funna, and I hear they play that That's why my friends and I are Well, that about wraps up "Circle the Fat" game. Finally, Econ majors. We really know your official explanation of Lost: One cute lil' monkey. Answers the Beta Eta Pi's. I can't really nothing about Economics. gossip and social life here &- to the name Lou. Does not like say anything about them, because Although, some say we are a lot Agony High. Enjoy the rest of I don't know any of them. smarter than we look. Right. your year, and remember, bananas but does enjoy an The frats are alright. The Finally, let's talk about the everything you hear around occasional Root Beer soda with a Twigs are supposed to be the rules of dating here at Agony campus is definitely true, so taco. Please Return to Box 1087. I sweet, polite, gentleman's club. High. It's simple. If you date a never think for yourself, and Yawn. The Deta Guy's are the Frat boy or athlete, you can never always talk about your friends. miss spanking him.