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VOL. 1/NUMBER 1 WIDENER STATE HOSPITAL APRil 1, 1985 Marxists seize Mac Center by Steve Slander members of ROTC ·were placed on full Associate Editor alert. Captain Kilsom Commeez (see profile below) was placed in charge of The Friends of Karl Marx Club dealing with the terrorists. (FOKMC), an organization allegedly While he had a cadet trying to made up of Political Science majors, negotiate with the students, Capt. Com­ seized control of Mac Morland Center mies led a raid on MacNiorland Center. early Saturday morning. The first attack failed because the Brandishing butter knives, deadly smoke bombs fired by the Battery chocolate chip cookies, and shouting: Robinett fell short and landed among "Down with President Bruce!", the the charging cadets, causing confusion students overpowered Employees of and a retreat order from Capt. Com­ ARA services and held them and stu- meez and a second attack was met with dents who were eating brunch, hostage. - a barrage of chocolate chip cookies, for- A spokesman for the FOKMC cing _another retreat. There were no delivered the list of demands to Presi- serious injuries, although one cadet was dent Bruce Saturday afternoon. Their taken to Chester-Crozer with a broken -- demands include making 's arm caused by one of the cookies. birthday a school holiday, all status titles The FOKMC was formed in the late changed to "Comrade," plus the Sixties by then PMC student, Jose Gar­ answers to this last week's "Widener cia. Garcia ,was an exchange student Pursuit" and the prize delivered to them from Cuba, and was active ,in trying to by Monday noon. lower class barriers among the school's (Editor's note: As part of the Cone's . workers. The club continued after Gar­ policy of not dealing with terrorists, the cia's graduation and would have dis­ "Widener Pursuit" contest has officially banded, but gained sympathy support ended with no winners. The prize is when Garcia was executed for jay- beong donated to charity.) walking in Havana, Widener officials were surprised by Officials see no conclusion to the the takeover. Security Chief Kennedy crisis in sight. There are unconfirmed said, "1 have never in all of my years had reports that the 82nd Airborne is plann­ Chief Kennedy, caim, cool and collected as usual. sits at his headquarters in to face a crisis." He then agreed with ing a raid. Further developments and a complete control of the crisis. President .Bruce to declare martial law possible end to the situation will be on campus. By Saturday night, all reported in next week's Cone. photo by: Andy' Airhead T.A.P.S. declared for Widener's cad'ets

by Larry Libel plan on having exercises like napalm- ercise program I have suggested. Some Kilsom Commeez was completed prior Executive Editor sniffing (which does wonders for your people in ROTC act like I'm high on tan'k to an unsuccessful raid on Mac Center Widener's detachment of the ROTC sense of balance,) and the hot potato exhaust fumes! (I am, but that's off the by ROTC cadets under the command of program recently announced the forma­ catch." Captain Commeez went on to record.)" Commeez. No word is in yet as to the tion of its 'Very own fraternity, Tau explain that the "hot potato catch is an Captain Commeez concluded our in­ date or time of the B-52 strike on the Alpha Phi Sigma. activity where a group of cadets form a terview by providing his opinion on the building, but tickets are available at the The idea to create a separate fraterni­ circle and toss a grenade around. A pre- hostage crisis at Mac Center (see Control Desk for those interested in . ty for the cadets originated with Captain designated person pulls the grenade's related story, p. 1). Said Commeez, "If I watching. Kilsom Commeez, a recently acquired pin out but still tosses the grenade to was running ROTC here at Widener, I'd Infantry officer. According to Commeez, the next cadet. The purpose of this exer- send in some of our female cadets who Inside the Cone the ROTC cadets " deserve an organiza­ cise is to enhance one's agility, vision could use their womanly charms to en­ • • • tion which promotes good, wholesome and ability to decide when to run like tice those terrorist . to give up. If that Sex Scandal in Psych dept. .. p. 7 activities in an atmosphere of comrader­ hell if the pin has been pulled." didn't work, I'd assemble some of our ship." When asked about the activities When asked if other personnel at best combat cadets to launch a daring Conilan's at it again ...... p.2 he has in mind, Commeez remarked, ROTC were supportive of his planned commando raid on the building. And if "We will probably-engage in standard activities, Commeez responded, "1 hate that didn't work, I'd call in a B-52 strike Widener goes to the Pros ... . p. 4 activities and avoid anything unusual. to say this, but the cadre here at to level the place. Afterall, Mac Center Widener have been wimpy when it could use some renovating." One of our goals is to get the cadets into Inquiring Photographer . . .. p. 3 better physical condition. Therefore, we comes to implementing the sens,ible ex- - NOTE: The interview with Captain - 2 - THE CONE, MONDAY, APRIL 1, 1985 Editorial: Commentary: Raise tuition .now! Rea'gan and a For the first time this year, the editors·of The Cone understand Kevin Conilan's commentary, and support it to the fullest. For years the student loan program has kept enrollment artificially high. The program must·end, and tuition for those that • • remain must be raised. . for We know that this is an unpopular position to be taking, but if the administration new v,lslon knows that the student body is supporting the cause, then they will not have to feel guilty for making the increase. The raise in tuition will in the long run be beneficial to the students of Widener. Without money to waste on drinking and other distracting activities, the student Widener can spend his time doing what a student should be doing:.getting a job to cover his • • • drinking and other distractions. Any money that he has left over can be put towards the higher cost of education. ' by Kevin Jaye Conitan III, American

Letter to the Editor like approach to education. This should College, in the old days, was a place have happened years ago and it will for young members of society to obtain benefrt the students who will lose out Show better news judgment an education so that they can run the because they will get their first taste of family business. The cost of .education what competition is like in Corporate one involved had a good time, and no was not a problem because father was America. one complained about the lack of sleep­ paying the .bill. Government assistance This will help them to become good Editor of Cone: ing facilities. In the future, I hope the was unthinkable because the govern­ Americans as well. Without most of the I am writing to protest the photo Cone will cover the whole story, and ment was practicing the lost and almost Communist professors (thank ·God they essay the Cone ran in last week's issue not selected parts. Leave no facts un­ forgotten art of Social Darwinism. will have been fired because of budget on Sigma Epsilon Chi's toga party and coveredl Those that could not afford an educa­ cuts by the universities), the student will subsequent orgy. The Cone showed tion were forced to attend either state be exposed to the Right way of think­ poor editorial judgment by not running Curtis Cleanmind universities, or go out into the cold cruel ing, and be able to fit into mainstream the pictures of the orgy. I feel that the President, world and get a job, a conc~pt that American society, instead of having Cone is trying to distort news. Every- Sigma Epsilon Chi some of our generation don't seem to their minds twisted by Socialist be willing to do. educators, especially those in the Then came the Great Depression and Political Science, Sodology, and the great World War II. The Com­ Psychology Departments, lnto thinking *********************** munists Franklin Roosevelt and Harry that concern for their fellow man is Truman, overthrew the government, above getting ahead in the business' Don't tell the guys holding Mac Morland Center, but we are continuing the and set it on a course of playing nurse­ world. Widener Pursuit contest. We all know the rules, so let's get on with the questions: maid for the people, and started pro­ While we are at it, why not get rid of grams to inflict their ideologies on the the latter two fields of study? They only 1. Who wrote the 19th Century novel "Peter Widener's Guide to Meat people in all aspects of their life. One teach ideas that go against the New Vi­ Packing?" program ba~d on this need to thrust sion: Every man for himself. The women the government into the lives of the can return to the home where they 2. What is the name of the President of the Galaxy in "Bonzo Goes to citizens is the stuClent loan program. belong. Sociology teaches that we all Widener?" This program has survived even though have a common heritage, which would it is wasteful and morally wrong. make my mother ill if she knew that she 3. What does the " R" stand for in Rob~rt J. Bruce? Anyone with need can now get the were equal to our servants, and that we federal government to pick up the cost have to understand each other if we are 4. Who are the guys that are holding MacMorland Center? of higher education. to work together to survive. That is President Reagan has taken the first nothing more than pure.Commun ist gar­ 5. What is the Widener Drinking song? step to eliminating this wasteful project. bage. He has proposed that in fiscal year Psychology teaches that humans can Send your answers to the usual address, but mark it ~' Urgent: Medical Supplies 1986, loans will on ly be given to those not always be held responsible for their Enclosed." whose family income is below $35,000. actions, like that Hinckley character This figure includes those families with claimed when he shot Mr. Reagan, more than one child in school. Parents when in fact it was all part of a plot by ***********************. will once again have to choose which of the Commies, who were in league with their children will attend college, and the liberals to rob us of our precious THE CONE which will have to get off their butts and bodily fluids. It also teaches that we WIDENER STATE HOSPITAL enter the real world and get a job. This should help our fellow man, which is will clear the I,miversities of those lazy Box 1080, Chester, PA 19013 hard to do if you are trying to keep him bums who want to shirk their respon­ from getting that big contract that you (215) 499-4000 E~. 8172 or (215) 499-4421 sibilities as -Americans, like those Com­ are trying to get for your company. Published by the patients of Widener for the hell of it on on Fridays, except when they mies In the Sixties who went to school Political Science is an important field charlie our medication, when it's a nice sprirll day. or when one of us letlloose. Opinions instead of valiantly giving their lives in of study because most of the leaders of expressed herein are meant to intimidate. offend, and enrage readers, so there! Authors of letters to the editor will have their crayon privileges taken away from them. Viet Nam. These followers of Hanoi this country have degrees in this field. got into school because But coupled with this, should be Executive Editor ...... ~ ...... Kevin Muir they got the money from the now courses in acting, so that the student Associate Editor ...... : ...... Brian Flatley Socialistic government. Their counter­ will be able to give speeches and seem Sports Editor ...... Joe Proe parts today can be replaced by students sincere, like Mr. Reagan does. And if Photo Editor ...... Flash Gordon© Darkroom Coordinator ...... Wicked Wanaa who may be on the border line the person can not find a job in govern­ Business Manager ...... •...... "Scarface" Lasagna academically, but who have parents ment or in business as a government Advisors: ...... ' ...... Dr. Kilpatient with large sums of money to cover the liaison, he can go to New York and try ...... Dr. Who lower enrollment. to get a part-in a Broadway play. They This presents the university system can move from there to Hollywood, and with a new challenge: How are they go­ from there, into government. ing to survive with lower enrollment? Revitalizing the student loan program With fewer students, the colleges may can have a profound impact on the Cone policy not be able to pay their bills, and as a structure of our nation. President . consequence, have to close, so be it. Reagan has taken the first step to help­ It is the policy of the Cone, unlike other newspapers, to print any letter sub­ There will be less Communist pro­ ing the people of this country by not mitted because so few of us can write. Persons who have submitted unsign­ fessors to twist the minds of young helping them at all, which would be a ed letters, should re-submit them, so that we can hunt you down. We reserve Americans. Also as a result, colleges welcome return to that great institution the right to lengthen short letters, and to corectt spill eng and eras grammar in. will have to vigorously recruit st.lJdents of self-reliance, fearing nothing but God, with money and adopt a more business- and the Commies. THE CONE, 'MONDAY, APRIL I, 1985 - 3

by "Flash" Gordon and Wicked Wanda Inquiring Photographer Questio,n: What do you' think of the April Fool's edition?

made me Steve Slander, alias Brian Flatley: "It pleases me to no end. I'm proud of it, and I'll defend it with my life."

Chip Reid: "I'm going to save it for­ r- NewsBriefs • • • ever'"

Jog for the Plague • • • Due to the startling success of the "Swim for Cancer," the Widener Runn­ ing Club will·sponsor a "Jog for the Plague." The event will include a five mile course through downtown Chester. " S.P.A.M.S• .•. The Society for Procurement and the Advancement of Mouthwatering ."".;¥,: Spam would like to announce the menu for luncheon. Spam, spam, spam, Diane Kane: "It perked me up and "Tripp" Craig II: "It's great, it's fan- spam, spam, spam, spam, spam. Spam, Spam, spam. The luncheon will be made me feel alive." tastic, it's inspirationall" held on Thursday in the Viking Room of Mac {~·nter . D.A.'M.M. •.• Druhs against Mad Mothers will be having a meeting at Walio's for their first annual Wild Turkey shot party. Following the shot party, which runs from 9 p.m. - 2 a.m., D.A.M.M. will be offering free tickets for their .scenic drive around Swarthmore. Each auto in the caravan will have a case of beer provid­ ed.

World Hunger Club. • • t The World Hunger Club would like to announce its first annual '!:tunger Ban­ quet. Ticke~s are $10 per person and proceeds will be used tp purchase plastic forks and spoons for the hunger victims in Ethiopia. Registrar . .. The registrar'S office regrets the shooting deaths of three Widener students Laura Papazian: "It's done in good last week. However, the.registrar's office had repeatedly announced prior to taste, a real class act." pre-registration that their office was not the place to sign up for classes. The registrar's office denies all responsibility and hopes that other students will learn a lesson from this unfortunate accident.

Wolfgram Library Club. • • The W.L.C. would like to thank all students who participated during the - WDNRTOP10 - "Talk Loud While Others Are Trying to Study Week." The event was a noisy success. Jerry Falwell ...... Flesh for Fantasy S.A.M. • • • Jaques Cousteau ...... Aqualung The Society for the Advancement of Management will ~e holding another . Robert Bruce ...... I'm Just A Singer in a Rock 'n Roll Band bake sale. Students are urged to buy. Proceeds are going towards purchasing Jim Fixx ...... : ...... Born to Run new unfiroms for the A.R.A. employees in the cafeteria. S.A.M. needs just $2,000 more to purchase the cowboy hats to compliment the western ...... : ...... Radioactive uniforms currently being worn during theme meals. John Delorean ...... Cocaine Mr. Rogers ...... Rebel Yell Goetz Club . .. Bernard Goetz ...... : ...... Another One Bites the Dust The Bernhard Hugo Goetz Gun Club will hold an informal meeting tonight. ...... Like A Bridge Over Troubled W~ter s The tentative New York-subway-shooting-spree planned for this weekend Jane Fonda ...... Ballad of the Green Berets will be discussed. Vigilantes and non-vigilantes are strongly encouraged to at­ tend. The shooting-spree will be followed by a speech by Mayor Ed Koch. 4 - THE CONE, MONDAY, APRIL 1,1985 o ~ Tose donates Eagles to Widener

by Joe Proe Manlove. When asked at the press con­ Sports Editor ference how this will affect the current squad, Coach Manlove said, "This will In a surprise announcement, be good for them. They will be playing Philadelphia Eagles owner leonard two games a week, one in Division in, Tose has . decided to back out of his and one in the NFl. When they get out agreement with the National Football of here (Widener), they will be assured league, and has donated the team to of a spot in pro football." Widener, according to Athletic Director Neither Mr. Tose or University Presi­ Ivan O. Neck, in a statement issued last dent Robert Bruce could be reached f<;>r night. comment. It is believed that Mr. Tose Neither the NFL nor the NCAA have went to his favorite Jersey shore made any official statements at press Resorts to celebrate. President Bruce time. However, spokesmen for both has not been seen since the Pioneer organizations say the plan is under Basketball team lost in the finals of the study. NFl Commissioner Pete Rozelle NCAA basketball tournament. is believed to be in favor of the plan. Reactions frOrT) the teams have been Sources close to the commissioner mixed. Eagles kicker Paul McFadden report that on Wednesday, the commis- ' said in a telephone interview that he sioner is expected to introduce an feels threatened by the move. "1 "Adopt a Division III team Program." thought that my job was secure for next Each team in the league will adopt one year, now I have to Compete with of the best teams. in the division. (Widener kicker) Bob Freece. I hear he's There Is panic and confusion at pretty good." NCAA headquarters in New York. Ac­ Asked for his comment, Junior Billy cording to a highly placed official who Bob DuSpree said, ''I've wanted to play did not want to be identified, but is the in pro football since I was a kid. Now I head of media relations, said that a have a chance." Newest members of Widener's football team pose for 8 group shot. move like this has been in the works for But it was Freshman "Tank" Morris, photo by: "Flash" Gordon some time, but the NFL was just looking the smallest player on the Pioneer for an excuse to "invade the territory of squad who summed it up the best, " Ag­ the NCAA." ghhh!" As part of the donation agreement, . Details about schedules and other Head Coach Marion Campbell will be developments will be reported in the replaced by Pioneer Coach William next few weeks. Stera Oiduser on campus

Courtesy of: Athletic Department

In the spirit of international coopera­ Stera," said Dumburg, "after un heavy­ tion, Widener. University recently spon­ rainen; da field is muddy and da grass i~ sored the visit of East 's top slick, so when I land after Stera tosses female athlete, Ms. Stera Oiduser. Ms. me, I end up sliding for un few hundred Oiduser was a member of her country's meters. Also, Stera's father has un farm Olympic team that was to compete in where uwe sometimes visit, and the on­ los Angeles last summer but which re­ ly place to practice is in da cow field and mained home in support of the Soviet .. . well .. . you know vut cows do." East German boycott. A final question I posed to Ms. While at Widener, Ms. Oiduser put Oiduser before she headed for a recep­ on an exhibit of her athletic skills in tion sponsored by the Athletic Depart­ Stera Oiduser several field events. Perhaps the event ment regarded whether or not the East for which Ms. Oiduser is most renown­ German government looked down upon putting on a ed is the "discus throw." What makes her discus technique. Oiduser respond­ Oiduser's technique so unusual is her ed angrily, "If they don't like it, they can 'substitution of her companion, Wilhelm schtick da discus up der umpasl" display of Dumburg, for the discus during practice Such a respone by Ms. Oiduser is in­ and exhibition meets. Ms. Oiduser ex­ dicative of her "no-nonsense" personali­ her famous plained to me that, "Villy veighs un hun­ ty. Perhaps an even clearer example of dred and seventy-five pounds, so in­ this was evident at the outdoor recep­ stead of veight-lifting I toss Villy, tion given in her honor. A member of ~human discus' thereby keeping my throwing ~rm in the Men's Track Team approached shape." Oiduser and said something in German toss. At one time, said Oiduser, Dumburg that he thought meant, "It is an honor to was addicted to hallucinagenic drugs meet you," but which actually meant, which made him believe he could fly. It "You have a five o'clock shadow." At was only through Stera's toss technique once Ms. Oiduser picked up the track . that Durriburg was able to quit taking athlete and tossed him in the air like a drugs because now he can actually fly. light-weight toy. At last wont, the track Asked about Oiduser's comments, athlete was spotted ~ over Wilmington, Dumburg agreed that being tossed by Delaware, and the ARCO GO-PATROL Stera has helped eliminate his drug ad­ helicopter is reported monitoring his diction, though he noted certain flight. photo by: Wicked Wanda drawbacks. "1 hate to practice with