*********************************************** •e *********************************************** e VOL. 1/NUMBER 1 WIDENER STATE HOSPITAL APRil 1, 1985 Marxists seize Mac Center by Steve Slander members of ROTC ·were placed on full Associate Editor alert. Captain Kilsom Commeez (see profile below) was placed in charge of The Friends of Karl Marx Club dealing with the terrorists. (FOKMC), an organization allegedly While he had a cadet trying to made up of Political Science majors, negotiate with the students, Capt. Com­ seized control of Mac Morland Center mies led a raid on MacNiorland Center. early Saturday morning. The first attack failed because the Brandishing butter knives, deadly smoke bombs fired by the Battery chocolate chip cookies, and shouting: Robinett fell short and landed among "Down with President Bruce!", the the charging cadets, causing confusion students overpowered Employees of and a retreat order from Capt. Com­ ARA services and held them and stu- meez and a second attack was met with dents who were eating brunch, hostage. - a barrage of chocolate chip cookies, for- A spokesman for the FOKMC cing _another retreat. There were no delivered the list of demands to Presi- serious injuries, although one cadet was dent Bruce Saturday afternoon. Their taken to Chester-Crozer with a broken -- demands include making Fidel Castro's arm caused by one of the cookies. birthday a school holiday, all status titles The FOKMC was formed in the late changed to "Comrade," plus the Sixties by then PMC student, Jose Gar­ answers to this last week's "Widener cia. Garcia ,was an exchange student Pursuit" and the prize delivered to them from Cuba, and was active ,in trying to by Monday noon. lower class barriers among the school's (Editor's note: As part of the Cone's . workers. The club continued after Gar­ policy of not dealing with terrorists, the cia's graduation and would have dis­ "Widener Pursuit" contest has officially banded, but gained sympathy support ended with no winners. The prize is when Garcia was executed for jay- beong donated to charity.) walking in Havana, Widener officials were surprised by Officials see no conclusion to the the takeover. Security Chief Kennedy crisis in sight. There are unconfirmed said, "1 have never in all of my years had reports that the 82nd Airborne is plann­ Chief Kennedy, caim, cool and collected as usual. sits at his headquarters in to face a crisis." He then agreed with ing a raid. Further developments and a complete control of the crisis. President .Bruce to declare martial law possible end to the situation will be on campus. By Saturday night, all reported in next week's Cone. photo by: Andy' Airhead T.A.P.S. declared for Widener's cad'ets by Larry Libel plan on having exercises like napalm- ercise program I have suggested. Some Kilsom Commeez was completed prior Executive Editor sniffing (which does wonders for your people in ROTC act like I'm high on tan'k to an unsuccessful raid on Mac Center Widener's detachment of the ROTC sense of balance,) and the hot potato exhaust fumes! (I am, but that's off the by ROTC cadets under the command of program recently announced the forma­ catch." Captain Commeez went on to record.)" Commeez. No word is in yet as to the tion of its 'Very own fraternity, Tau explain that the "hot potato catch is an Captain Commeez concluded our in­ date or time of the B-52 strike on the Alpha Phi Sigma. activity where a group of cadets form a terview by providing his opinion on the building, but tickets are available at the The idea to create a separate fraterni­ circle and toss a grenade around. A pre- hostage crisis at Mac Center (see Control Desk for those interested in . ty for the cadets originated with Captain designated person pulls the grenade's related story, p. 1). Said Commeez, "If I watching. Kilsom Commeez, a recently acquired pin out but still tosses the grenade to was running ROTC here at Widener, I'd Infantry officer. According to Commeez, the next cadet. The purpose of this exer- send in some of our female cadets who Inside the Cone the ROTC cadets " deserve an organiza­ cise is to enhance one's agility, vision could use their womanly charms to en­ • • • tion which promotes good, wholesome and ability to decide when to run like tice those terrorist . to give up. If that Sex Scandal in Psych dept. .. p. 7 activities in an atmosphere of comrader­ hell if the pin has been pulled." didn't work, I'd assemble some of our ship." When asked about the activities When asked if other personnel at best combat cadets to launch a daring Conilan's at it again ........ p.2 he has in mind, Commeez remarked, ROTC were supportive of his planned commando raid on the building. And if "We will probably-engage in standard activities, Commeez responded, "1 hate that didn't work, I'd call in a B-52 strike Widener goes to the Pros ... p. 4 activities and avoid anything unusual. to say this, but the cadre here at to level the place. Afterall, Mac Center Widener have been wimpy when it could use some renovating." One of our goals is to get the cadets into Inquiring Photographer . .. p. 3 better physical condition. Therefore, we comes to implementing the sens,ible ex- - NOTE: The interview with Captain - 2 - THE CONE, MONDAY, APRIL 1, 1985 Editorial: Commentary: Raise tuition .now! Rea'gan and a For the first time this year, the editors·of The Cone understand Kevin Conilan's commentary, and support it to the fullest. For years the student loan program has kept enrollment artificially high. The program must·end, and tuition for those that • • remain must be raised. for We know that this is an unpopular position to be taking, but if the administration new v,lslon knows that the student body is supporting the cause, then they will not have to feel guilty for making the increase. The raise in tuition will in the long run be beneficial to the students of Widener. Without money to waste on drinking and other distracting activities, the student Widener can spend his time doing what a student should be doing:.getting a job to cover his • • • drinking and other distractions. Any money that he has left over can be put towards the higher cost of education. ' by Kevin Jaye Conitan III, American Letter to the Editor like approach to education. This should College, in the old days, was a place have happened years ago and it will for young members of society to obtain benefrt the students who will lose out Show better news judgment an education so that they can run the because they will get their first taste of family business. The cost of .education what competition is like in Corporate one involved had a good time, and no was not a problem because father was America. one complained about the lack of sleep­ paying the .bill. Government assistance This will help them to become good Editor of Cone: ing facilities. In the future, I hope the was unthinkable because the govern­ Americans as well. Without most of the I am writing to protest the photo Cone will cover the whole story, and ment was practicing the lost and almost Communist professors (thank ·God they essay the Cone ran in last week's issue not selected parts. Leave no facts un­ forgotten art of Social Darwinism. will have been fired because of budget on Sigma Epsilon Chi's toga party and coveredl Those that could not afford an educa­ cuts by the universities), the student will subsequent orgy. The Cone showed tion were forced to attend either state be exposed to the Right way of think­ poor editorial judgment by not running Curtis Cleanmind universities, or go out into the cold cruel ing, and be able to fit into mainstream the pictures of the orgy. I feel that the President, world and get a job, a conc~pt that American society, instead of having Cone is trying to distort news. Every- Sigma Epsilon Chi some of our generation don't seem to their minds twisted by Socialist be willing to do. educators, especially those in the Then came the Great Depression and Political Science, Sodology, and the great World War II. The Com­ Psychology Departments, lnto thinking *********************** munists Franklin Roosevelt and Harry that concern for their fellow man is Truman, overthrew the government, above getting ahead in the business' Don't tell the guys holding Mac Morland Center, but we are continuing the and set it on a course of playing nurse­ world. Widener Pursuit contest. We all know the rules, so let's get on with the questions: maid for the people, and started pro­ While we are at it, why not get rid of grams to inflict their ideologies on the the latter two fields of study? They only 1. Who wrote the 19th Century novel "Peter Widener's Guide to Meat people in all aspects of their life. One teach ideas that go against the New Vi­ Packing?" program ba~d on this need to thrust sion: Every man for himself. The women the government into the lives of the can return to the home where they 2. What is the name of the President of the Galaxy in "Bonzo Goes to citizens is the stuClent loan program. belong. Sociology teaches that we all Widener?" This program has survived even though have a common heritage, which would it is wasteful and morally wrong.