AWlLFRID lAURIER UNIVERSilY STUDENT PUBUCATION VOLUME XXXII, ISSUE 19 THURSDAY, JANUARY 30, 1992
His name is Sheffield... Fisher Sheffield.
IN FAT ITY \ ~· ""'~""':" - _ • , • \ I f f l II Did you ever see a dream walking7 He laughed cruelly. "She's that I snarled, ''I'm gonna amputate The Cord. His first major article, little whore who's always hang- your tongue! I'm gonna rip your "Savagery and Sorrow in ing around the weight room." intestines out through your bum!" Steeltown", did not have the ,.~ I froze. Everything went quiet, I growled, as I drove my fists into catharic value that he thought it '] C.lll and became very focussed. A his face and ribs, and he started to would: oh sure, the article helped cold fury flashed through me. My breath funny... him work out the nature of his hands slowly curled up into fists. As I drove the guy head-first new relationship with his best so I put my elbow in his back, "What did you just say?" I into the cereal shelf, I saw the friend, the wangely-named Dub- I've held a lot of different and dropped a 2 L can of tomato hissed. manager of the supermarket out Dub-Dub, and allowed him to )lbs in my lifetime, but I'd have paste on his foot. He was grinning. "I said, your of the comer of my eye: my ex- vent his sadness and anger 10 say that my favourite job was "Jerk. .. you got a problem?" he sister's a whore." boss had rounded up some of the towards the girl, the ever- as a stock boy at the Jones turned to me and asked. I grabbed him by the throat, bigger members of the grocery cheerful Siobhan, but there is still Brothers Supermarket. It wasn't "No, I've got no problem with and spun him around off the department staff, and they were one piece of the puzzle that is easy work, or a well-paying job, jerks who cut in line." ground and into the magazine moving in to break up the brawl. missing, one thread left to ex- but when that periodic rage built "Hey!. .. Shut up." stand. People were screaming, "Good Lord! I know this plore. ap inside of me, frustration could "Why don't you give it a try, and trying to wheel their carts out one!" I heard the manager ex- The other girl: Paulina. be released by day-dreaming and make me?" I laughed, and of the way. I drove into the guy, claim, "And he was crazy back This is their story. llbout smashing up all the stock smiled. and as he hunched over, put my then!" 111 the shelves. "Stop grinning, you little elbow into the back of his skull, As the guy smashed the right Sometimes during the night jerk!" He grabbed my shirt and and my knees repeatedly into his side of my face with his ketchup I'd sit back and dream about lhift pushed me up against the maga stomach. Out of nowhere he bottle, ketchup flew everywhere, !ringing a shotgun into the store zine stand, holding on. brought a can of creamed com and I staggered long enough for shooting up all the bottles of SAVAGERY lid At this, the bagboy skittered into my face, smashing my nose, three of the staff members to pull ~~::n:=J> ketchup, upending the trays of off to go find somebody who was and knocking off my glasses. me up off of the guy I was pound- bread, pitching bottles of Pepsi over the age of fourteen. I stepped back, grabbed the ing, pull me away, and pull me rpinst the back wall, stomping I just beamed away at the guy lapels of his jacket, and threw out of the aisle ... 1P and down in the watermelon holding my shirt: he was a big him through a display of baked One of the cashiers close to SORROW bil, taking a baseball bat to the dumb animal, and I had him con beans, and into an aisle end dis- the scene went hysterical when id display of laundry fused. play of maple syrup. He bounced she saw me. "Oh God! Oh God! INFATCXTY tergent, hurling tomato after "Get the hell off me," I off of the shelf and into the cereal The blood! You're bleeding IS bnato after tomato against the eventually told him, "what are aisle before I could reach him. everywhere!" She screamed. 6ont window, and slashing up all you gonna do? Start a fight in a He was staggering, with a "Bull!" I managed to gasp, CONTINUED plastic bags of milk with my supermarket?" bottle of ketchup in his left hand, just before passing out, "It's just cardboard knife. Gradually he let go of my by the time I flew into him. As I ketchup ... " and then I collapsed to ON And so I found myself the shirt. "I know you," he said, thrust him against the shelf of the floor. r day, arguing with some jerk "You're Fisher Sheffield. Marie jarred pickles, shards of glass and PAGE line at the supcr111arket. He'd Shcffields's older brother." pickle juice exploded every One year later, one year older, lluaed in front of me in the ex "How do you know my where. Fisher Sheffield is still an angry 14 lane at the Jones Brothers, sister?" I whispered. "You jerk! You lousy creep!" young man writing poison for • I • I • I • l0 • PR£1~/YTi ~ E
• ! $1 - llCKEIS AT lHE OOOR c!): . r--~------Kom . Nite PA77NG~ 0~!f'~c!D~~~ TUf:Y FEB ft A . . ama I I J J • Steve Levine ~!J,~~!J,~!I C)'--Y NIP./.; i s-Q:- f/i) . <:s..0 . i -w.... ~ StG!N UP Wa.t~ ;_e~-:r- !! : ~!.e:~~ 1:~ J: i Win g1ft cert~1cotes for" :$,~,¢~~ . i )t. _r ~ *" HL1FV ~- . ~~~~ ·. .;- ~ ... ~ ~·~-i I . . ./ SK l PASSE:.S '-%:" !f/ • IVIC»NI FEEl ~ ! STUDENTS' UNION I STUDENT PUBLICATIONS ELECTI~ Night skllng at Chloopee I Tlckets $j2.00 (Incl. transportatlon) • $20.00 (with rentals) I AVAILABLE AT INFO CENTRE . . ~D- FEB. IS I are open until JANUARY 31 at 4:30pm • for the following positions: Tamlae Talent Night In the Turret I wtth special guest appearance by • Glider I *President aVIce-President, University Affairs, Students' Union Tickets: $4.00 . • *Board of Directors, Students' Union TALENT NIGHT ENTRANCE FORMS I AT THE INFO BOOTH • *Board of Directors, Student Publications THURS. FEB.& I *President, Student Publications Bob Labart • In wnrs • Nomination packages are available ~ ~ e:z:::::rv- """us • e - Tickets: $3.00 in the Students' Union THURSDAY• .J.A.~~.A.R.Y 30~ 1992 -:ri-m C::~R.:O EDITORIAL PAGE Editorial: ... ·· · · ·· 'Doing the Bush thing adies and gentlemen of the jury, I'd like to offer the following for your consideration: it's only been two months (to the very day) since the Wilfrid Laurier University Golden Hawks won the national football championship, but walking around campus you'd never know it. At the risk of sounding like a patriot -- of doing the George Bush thing -- I'd like to raise a few questions: where's all our pre-Vanier Cup, purple-and-gold school spirit gone? Back into the closet for another year (or twenty)? And why is it that the Laurier community, after any type of accomplishment that does us proud, habitually pulls down its tents, packs up its gear, and goes home quietly? Why not revel in our achievements for a little while? Celebrate our victories for longer than the moment, and thus pay honour to our university, and the choices that we have all made that brought us here top this very special place we now call home? Laurier is one of the best damn schools in Ontario, if not Canada. It's the type of place where an individual can still make a difference, and where, quite frequently, they do. I'd like to offer into evidence exhibit A -- myself - that any old jerk can just walk in off the street and one day find himself or herself writing the lead editorial for the school newspaper. I like this place, this little plot of land bounded by four street~, this Laurier. And while I fully undPrstand the attitude of "quiet pride" -- carrying your heart in your chest instead of wearing it on your shirt sleeve-- I condemn those who attack my university, or worse yet, stand by and do nothing for her... and I just wish that we could all be a little more vocal in our support of our school. This is not an exhortation to outfit your entire wardrobe at the Purple and Gold. This is not a call to arms for the coming attack on any other university. This is not mindless cheerleading. This is a pause to consider ... what makes a university a community? ... what responsibilities do we have to Wilfrid Laurier, in addition to the rights we draw from her? ... and next time the Hawks, in any sport, go to the national championship, will we be better prepared to capitalize on the patriotic moment, and carry the feeling past sunset and into the rest of the year? Maybe it's time we all sent a letter home to Maw and Pop, admitting that Laurier can be an exciting place when it has to. And the next time you're getting on a train back to Brampton, or you're back at your old high school watering hole in St. Catherines, and you see somebody wearing a Laurier
• . . • . ·...... y .. i··, . jacket or ball cap, walk up to them, introduce yourself, and ask them: "What program are you .:•~e~=g~~ti<~}k~~ in?" Yoti might get a cold glare ... hut you'll probably get to know somebody who you'll bump into next Monday afternoon in the Concourse. Try bringing our community back to yours... and we'll all be a little bit better off for it. It's as simple as that .. .let's all do what we can to make the best -- Wilfrid Laurier University, my friends -- even better.
Editorial by Terry Grogan, Columnist The opinions expressed in the above editorial are those of the author, and do not necessarily reflect those of the rest of the staff, its publishers, or the university community. JB&11alfhg~ Commant: ·~~:.0~-fi;i~~-!~. .··.·····~·Ed~~~~~" .. -'- Three beers a year lffklgJ&I Comment by Keith Robinson
he university wants to spend four million dollars to renovate the newly purchased Seagram Stadium. Last week, they announced who was going to pay for it. While the bulk of the cash will come from corporate and private donors, the student body is being asked to contribute $150,000, or as VP Personnel and Student Affairs Jim Wilgar puts it the equivalent to "three beers a year" per student, per year. A year ago the Dean of Arts and Science, Arthur Read, assured me that the repairs to the stadium would be paid for entirely by private donations. It would seem that the administration has changed its mind. The student body is now in the position of deciding whether or not we want to financially support this venture. Surely there would be several benefits: An all weather track and astra-turfed stadium would improve the physical education program and· enhance the prestige of the Vanier Cup winning Golden Hawks. However, I have to seriously question the expenditure of so much money in a time when the university community is being told there will be considerable cutbacks. Blaming the recession, the administration is projecting a two million dollar deficit According to VP Academic Donald Baker they have already enacted a hiring freeze and are considering layoffs, tuition hikes and a reduction in the equipment budget as ways to overcome the short fall. These cuts could mean that there ...... will be fewer instructors teaching fewer courses. We are being asked to pay more money and yet receive a poorer quality of ~mb@ss;ot~s;~~e- ~ 1 education. I don't know how Wilgar can, with a clear conscience, push this bloated mega-project, when he is likely the one who will have to inform valued employees that they are being laid off due to budgetary constraints. I also resent the way Wilgar has suggested that students should view the levy as a mere "three beers a year". Aside from obscuring the real issue, such statements perpetuate the stereotype of the student as a happy-go-lucky alcoholic, more concerned with getting loaded at the Turret, than with the education she or he is receiving in the lecture hall. The administration seems to feel that so long as the student has a brewski iii one hand and (after four years) a degree in the other, s/he'll be happy. I, for one, am not like this. I am very concerned with the quality of education I receive. I find this sort of stereotyping to be as harmful and offensive as those based on race or sex. I am not opposed to spending money on the football team. In fact I attended a majority of the games they played last year, and feel that they contribute immeasurably to the time I have spent at Laurier. Rejecting the levy is not a rejection of them. It is a rejection of overspending on a single project, while drastically cutting back on all other areas. It is a rejection of those who seek to spend on high profile and glamorous activities rather than on more mundane and often unnoticed concerns · ' · · · " " such as qualified teaching staff or books. If this levy comes to a referendum, vote against it and instead donate your l equivalent of "three beers a year" to the library, a scholarship fund or whatever you feel really matters in these recessionary times. LETTERS TO THE EDITOR Wilf's invites critic to sling beer Dear Editor & Sheldon Page, one, you scared away all those cease to amaze the student popu wrestling were of no fault of the everyday but as soon as Student We at Wilf's would like to who don't visit Wilf's respect lation. Your article was pathetic student staff but instead higher Union fees skyrocket, could it be take this opportunity to laugh your opinion, and two, you totally and totally misinforrnative from a up. Therefore why chop up Wilfs The Cord who whines. Noooo!l loudly in your direction. In your destroyed your reputation with student persepective. staff??? Point # 7: Where do you gu recent Jan. 23/92 article entitled those who know the truth. Let's start at the beginning. Point # 2: •If you spend so off cutting up a bar which is oo "Wilf's: not a house of fire" (page As a staff member I find it Yes, Wilf's was very busy but much time in Wilf's you would different than any other, when in 8 of The Cord) you attempted to hard to believe that such an arti let's get into why the problems realize that Sunday's are walk up fact, you wingnuts can't even nm belittle a WLU establishment. By cle could be written this year after arose: service and the lone wait staff a quality newspaper. Instead ~ attempting to cut Wilf's up you all the changes but then again you Point # 1: The problems cleans and tries to serve the few Laurier population must put up achieved two important things: clowns upstairs from us never which you discussed about the who can be. They aren't there so with a bogus lampoon newspaper you obnoxious goofballs can which is not even close to other pester and think you own the quality university publications. flushed out bar?? (That one is for all my Point # 8: The nacho cheese Toilet trout lovely floor girls, and Adam!) thing was a joke, sorry we didn't Hey Editor, touching the handle (for some irrational fear of get - Point # 3: WLUSU extended produce a vat over the summer. I'm just dropping a quick note to voice my con ting the clap) then try putting some toilet paper on the bar for better service and As a staff member I agree till cerns over something I see everyday and this the handle. draught when busy, USE IT!! Wilf's often becomes busy and seemed like the appropriate forum to discuss such a Likely I assume this is yet another example of Point# 4: How can Wilf's not problems exist, but as students public issue. There's nothing that seems to cheese people who haven't quite left the crib yet, you be a fun place to hang out. I'll and not lifetime employees we try me more than nonchalantly strolling into one of our know, the type who hold wild parties during the give you a ton who think dif our best. Service has improved public bathrooms to take a comfy squat when, to middle of mid-terms cause "lighten up man it's ferent. If not check sales over the greatly and sales show a skyroct· only a midterm, uh-uh". A short question, did your our horror and amazement some stupid bastard has last few years. (Oh, that may be eting trend. If a personable, sport· mommie let you leave your shit in the can, better left a school of toilet trout. too obvious.) ing attitude isn't for you why Very plainly, what the hell is that matter with yet does she still wipe your ass. I know that guys care? You can devote your time Point # 5: You don't like the people. Whoever has done this is probably sitting bathroom's are the only victims, everynow and then to quality jounalism. (Like 001 back right now getting a chuckle. Okay, fine. So you hear women discuss the pleasantries found in service? Seven hours for a drink? mentioning "fuck" in articles.) you think it's funny and far be it from me to there cubicles. Have to pay a buck on Friday to We don't need to read junk lite deprive such great brain capacity from it's most Okay enough bitching, just please flush. If you smoke? Free popcorn? Do I have that! Before you start being crib· challenging humour, but what you (possibly plural) want to save your crud for all to see then put it in a to show I.D., can I get a water? cal of other student run opera· have been doing is totally unhygienic, childish and mason jar on your desk at home. God you people Please forgive us if we tend to be tions look at your own, pal!!! overall bad taste. Maybe I sound a little too Vic are pigs! annoyed, but sympathize with us. Make The Cord a fun thing to torian but I'll bet there are others who will agree Many happy bowel movements, Point# 6: We could put more read. However, if you feel the with my point of view. If you are merely afraid of Ph ill Kinzinger bartenders and floor staff on need to belittle Wilf s why don;t ------,------, you try to work there for a day and maybe you'll see diffemt Letters-writers ••saddened••, ••enraged and Let's call it, "A Day in the Life
h \ Pensive WLUSU boys and girls. pic: Jo-Ann Julien No guns allow ment that next year's walk home as a new building. He added that ADRIENNE HODGIN Previous contests have offended program "Foot Patrol" will get the timing is justified. · ------The Cord and have been considered sexist and to the money initially proposed for Jimenez then brought out the taste. In its place is a Long John The assassination game, a favorite of many, will no which features both sexes. longer be a part of this year's winter carnival. This year's theme is "Polar MUCH MORE THAN The Winter Carnival Committee believes the opening ceremonies are February fANTASTIC mock killings consume too much time and will include a Torch Run around lbe FLOWERS resources, which could be better spent elsewhere. lowed by a lighting ceremony in lbo PLANTS BALLOONS The exclusion had nothing to do with the fact where it will be left permanently oo Express Yourself GREETING that water guns were used. Committee member Tim Brown is looking forward to dlo wtth Our CARDS Brown said, "Our time and resources are better believes they will be more successful Wttty & Htlanous spent elsewhere." years. New events will include a Recycled Cards Brown commented that the committee, because bartender obstacle course with lbe 170 Un1vers1ty W Wluo of the concerns of students, faculty and staff, also Laurier competing with the University bes1de UW W1th1'1 walk1ng d1stance decided that there was no need for a beauty contest A MuchMusic Video Dance Party • of botl1 Universities this year. will end the "Polar Olympics".
Help Celebrate the Creation of
PRESENTS (formerly UT&T)
2nd Floor Student Union Building Any questions or comments can be directed to
Our Services Include: *Resumes * Cover Letters *Essays * Business and personal information cards *Posters *Flyers * Transparencies "' All work is to be submitted to the WLUSU Info. Friday February 7th ,------~------· : . ~/gxJ I 10:30am ·12:00 I 5 FREE copies of your resume I (this offer only applies to NEW resumes) I I FSW Lounge Room I .,, All work is to be submitted to the WLUSU Info. I ------' Offer valid from February 3, 1992 to February 13, .. NEWS ust BAG 0' ·CRIME ADRIENNEustice HODGIN group discussions orand is a public both sides would consider the IFROM THE WLU SECURITY REPORT -- TheCord --- voice against the injustices of the best interests of the child, a lot of custodial system. other issues would take a second FIRE ALARM RESPONSES: 1) A resident of Bricker Residence set They work with governments, seat." off the ftre alarm by hitting the sensor with a skipping rope. To be denied access to your child social agencies and courts to in Sauve said that when a parent 2) "In this case the cook tried to muffle the sound by placing the a reality for thousands of crease the quality of life for chil is denied access, the child is the palm of his hand on what he believed to be the smoke detector, how pueots. A support group called dren and to minimize the emo one who suffers most, through ever the unit was a heat sensor and the temperature of his hand was Ftt Justice was founded tional problems that result from emotional and psychological sufficient to set off the ftre alarm." eiJbt years ago to assist non custodial problems. abuse which damages a child's MISCHIEF: A discharged ftre extinguisher was found near the Aird CUIIOdial parents and their chil Ron Sauve, the Waterloo Building. cftn. chapter president, said about TRESPASS: Two males were issued trespass notices when they Fathers For Justice provides custody battles, "You've got to refused to leave the Turret. They had been caught with altered emotional and physical support quit fighting and you've got to driver's licences. b parents through their weekly quit fighting over the child. If DISTURBANCE: A ftght outside Bricker Residence was broken up by the sight of security officers. One WLU student was caught on the scene with marks on his face, however he claimed to have merely in Looking for Direction? Fathers for Justice has con tervened in a fight already in progress and was released without tributed extensively to legislation charge:;. which they believe has had bene INTOXICATION: A WLU student was found semi-conscious in the ficial impacts on parents and chil snow. The student was heavily inebriated and unable to take care of dren. This includes access in himself. Security delivered him to the K/W deto~ centre. formation legislation, and provin THEFT: Two males were caught with a stolen bike, both suspects un cial labor laws to allow for more der the influence of alcohol. One student had previously been banned paternity and maternity leave. from all licensed areas on campus, however he had been seen in the George Slade, the Chapter's Turret earlier in the evening. secretary said, "Fathers For Jus THEFT: Two students had their coats stolen when they lost their coat .,1 tice benefits a lot of people." check tags. Whoever found the tags claimed the garments. II This is a registered charitable PARKING VIOLATIONS: Eighteen cars were towed from the organization which relies on campus for violating the overnight parking bylaw. Additionally there 'I bingos, donations and other were numerous parking tags issued. fundraisers to survive. There are '~r also handfuls of volunteers who From the Waterloo Regional Police ~ pitch in and assist. Meetings are held every Tues JanuarylO "READY TO HELPn day night and they are open to INDECENT EXPOSURE: A male exposed himself to a female on a everyone. public trail that runs between University and Columbia. A generic 25 This Ia a neato graphic from the Fathers for Justice As their motto states, "A child year old white male was described. No suspects have been found. propaganda pamphlet. Gotta like that slogan. will be hurt in a separation but January 15 does not need to be harmed." INDECENT EXPOSURE: A male exposed himself on Phillip St. south of Albert St. No suspects have been found. Police advise people to call them immediately after an occurrence. January 24 BREAK/ENTER: A black male was found in a student residence. When questioned about his presence he said he was looking for Discrimination is still bad someone he thought lived there. Police were called after the suspect groups for equal representation iq the Senate. Their PAUL REED left acting confused. Waterloo Regional Police report a 6' 2" well argument is that the women and natives in this News Commentary·---- built black male has been seen walking into student residences in the country are under-represented in Canadian politics Hazel, University, and Regina area. and it must be stopped. The tenn reverse discrimination in many It does not matter to them who else gets people's minds does not exist. Unfortunately it ex stomped on and discriminated against in the 'pro in every aspect of society and no one seems cess. It would be disastrous to implement represen wtUing to deal with it. tation according to the demographics of a popula The dictionary definition of discrimination is tion in the Senate, without stopping to examine who the act, practice, or an instance of categorically will be harmed. lllher than individually; prejudiced, or prejudicial It would undermine the purpose of our political doole, action, or treatment". This type of be philosophy: to be as democratic and fair as pos baviour occurs in almost any way, shape or form, sible. Would the system be fair if we rejected the a it can happen to anyone. appointment of many competent and intelligent in Reverse discrimination in the political context dividuals because of their race or gender? 1360 discrimination against the perceived dominant Some argue that the Senate will only be an ef This space-filling picture was staged and In no way poop in a society. In Canada 'WASP'is the most fective body of government if the people are represents the subject's true condition. Thank God for common target for this discrimination. represented equally in the Senate. If the Canadian libel lawyers who tell me to write things like that. A perfect example of reverse discrimination people are represented equally in the Senate, then pic: Sheldon "Happy Twenty-third Birthday" Page in Canada is the recent cry by women and native the true purpose of democracy defeated.
The Cord. Presents: NEWSPAPER WRXTXNG WORKSHOP ntre First Session: Thursday, January 30, 1992 at 5:30pm in room 2-201 --, (Second. Session will1e the following Thursda.y, sa.m.e tim.e, sa.m.e place.) I I I First Session Topics: I c.. C.. I (_. What's the press? Role of the student press Writing for your reader I I C.. What's a sfory? C.. InverteJ pyramid style I I I ALL ARE WELCOME· COMPLIMENTARY REFRESHMENTS --~ THE COR.I> "''"'iitiR.:SI>.A"Y" • .J.AN"~.AR."Y" 30. 1992 NEVVS
be organized. The university has during the formulation of the the province, due to its budget much of the incentive for the Uni provided $10,000 for "environ 92/93 budget. cuts. Dupuis said the province versity to expand its environmen· mental purposes". The funds will It is uncertain whether the cited recycling as an especially tal program. be used to hire an environmental University will decide to provide vulnerable area. Nick Jimenez, Students' auditor. 1\\e auditor wi\\ ana\yz.e the funds. Last year a simi\ar Dupuis said that if the pro Union President, believes that the current ~nvironmenta\ pro proposal was made, and then vince reduces its funding, it might students can help to ensure that significant number of en gram at Laurier, decide what not enforce Ontario Regulation funds are provided for environ vironmental reforms have changes need to be made, and 309. This is the general waste mental programs. He plans to ask A been made at Wilfrid determine the cost of these management regulation under the the Students' Union Board of Laurier in the past few years. changes. Environmental Protection Act. Directors to send a letter to the Nevertheless there is still much to Once the audit is complete, According to this regulation, administration, affirming their be done. further funds will be required to post-secondary schools must im support. He also is considering For example, we need to deal enact the recommended changes. plement waste audits and waste having students sign a petition. with the food waste produced by Ron Dupuis, the director of reduction plans. In the meantime, Stewart will Food Services, provide fine paper Physical Plant and Planning, turned down. It is possible the Within the next year Laurier continue to struggle with his recycling bins in the classrooms, plans to request money for proposal will again be turned will be required to recycle its budget. He welcomes the help ci and reduce the number of plastic Laurier's environmental program. down this year since the Univer newsprint, aluminum, metal, further volunteers, and asks them cups handed out in the Turret. He will be making the proposal sity will be only be getting a one glass, fine paper and cardboard. to call him at 884-1360 or to drop In order to ensure that reform sometime in February or March, percent increase in funding from Regulation 309 has provided by the Students' Union offices. continues, we must ask ourselves where the environment program is going. What needs to be done in order to make it better? Paul Stewart, Laurier's 3 R's (Reduce, Reuse, Recycle) Coor dinator, is a good person to ask. E ·ection mani He is a student hired by the ad from the truth. This year I have gain positions by acclamation the Just don't let anyone be ac ministration to be the official su been more or less involved in the whole system becomes a joke. If claimed. pervisor of the campus' environ student political scene. I constant you see a position having the pos- There are several positions in mental program. ly hear people complaining about Students' Union and Student Pub Stewart admits that he is often the student government and how lications that were acclaimed this frustrated with his job. The most it doesn't suit their needs. year. Just think, if you had run for he can do is expand and promote The majority of the com one of these positions, chances the recycling program. The rest of n February 12, the Wilfrid plainers have never taken the VOTE are that you would have won. the time he is scrambling to find Laurier Students' Union time to cast a vote. How do they With more than one candidate volunteers to help run the current 0 and Student Publications expect the Students' Union or running, the position holders can recycling program. Last week elections are being held. Student Publications to be repre say they are representative of the only one volunteer showed up to I didn't vote last year. I was a sentative of the students if they students and mean it. help him move all the bins to Frosh and just didn't give a damn don't vote? DAMMIT This year things are looking Shipping to be emptied. about the elections or the posi Student governments are stu sibility of being put a better. There is going to be some Fortunately Laurier's chaotic tions in question. dent governments because they stop to it. Nominate someone. environmental program may soon I couldn't have been further are representative.~en people Get someone to nominate you. Continued on pg.9 FORGET -OSAP <,t..P FEB 13 and run your own business 0 Join the Works Corps team and you'll never p <- ~ BRIGHTON have to worry about your OSAP loans again. We will guarantee that next summer you will d,.\)9° Prote~BCh~ren RQCK make enough to pay your tuition and books IIIII""'" • """-*~'~ Napolean Blown-apart ~ r JAN 30 War Wagon FEB 14 for the next year. That's not all you'll get: * Dust & Bones Valentines learn now what it takes to succeed in business Tribute to Day· Bash * Guns & Roses * gain valuable real-world business experience that •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• will make you more marketable to post graduate THURSDAY employers TUESDAY WEDNESDAY $2.00 LADIF.S CONCEin' NIGIIT NIGHI' * earn between $10,000 - $25,000 for your efforts Ladies Get in FREE The Best in next summer Go Home Feeling Trips Cash & Miessner's Live Entertainment "Good" with Wheel Of Travel or cash still in $1000 in Cash your pockets Call 1-800-387-1799 FRIDAY SATURDAY or come to our information seminar BIRTHDAY NIGHr SOUND UGHT lASER EXI'.RVAGANZA Celebrate your Dance to the Hottest Tuesday Feb. 4 Birthday for Free. Tunes 'till 2am in the Peters Building Ask For Details! ' Room Pl007 INFO LINE 744-2000 312 King St West Downtown Kitchanar NE"VVS •1s mac 1• -ne eor~eoils Bus Herbert Walker the Commander-In-Chief instead. than you just want to gain "power CAMPAIGN '92 Bush has gone from being In November 1988, one for power's sake"? G the champion of last pundit commented that George In the space of just six year's Operation Desert Storm, to Bush's first term in the White months, and with a little help national punching bag, in less House could really be seen as from an international recession, time than it takes to rush CNN's being Ronald Reagan's third, and Bush has gone from being "historical" documentary on the that that was going to be Bush's beloved leader of the free world, Gulf War into a video store near biggest problem. to embattled President of the you. Bush -- Reagan's vice United States of America. Bush-bashing has become a president -- ran as the keeper of They called him a wimp, and popular new bipartisan sport the "Reagan Revolution" ... he he started two wars in the space by Terry Grogan down there in the states ... all of a campaigned on the issues of of three years (Panama and Iraq) sudden, the media has decided to stewardship, experience, and to prove them wrong, but now the quit cleaning up Bush's "tortured likeability, and he was honest American public want their Presi George, war-gaming his 'Bush was born on third base, syntax", and let the American from the start in that he said he dent to pay some attention to New Hampshire strategy, aNi has spent his life acting like public know that George Bush had problems with "the vision them, and Bush has never really '92 pic: Newsweek hit a triple." really has no idea about how to thing." shown an interest (or aptitude) for (controlling the pork barrel, in speak in public, and that maybe domestic politics. other words); plus, this year he's ·Anonymous it's OK to forget all about Danny "Reagan's third term" is run the only Democratic or Repub Quayle, and start making fun of ning into some problems ... the debts are finally coming due lican candidate who's actually for a decade of fast and furious run for the Presidency before ... fun ... and the Gipper has left So, while he may not have a George holding the bag. "bold domestic agenda", neither Be informed do most of the Democrats ... and Last of all, when you vote Last year the plan was for Continued from pg.8 Bush could still send the troops make an informed vote. Don't go Bush to run a "KKK campaign"- down the ballot and check off the campaigning on the issues of back into Iraq to kill Hussein be fore next November. !liff competition for certain posi names that sound nice. Read the crime, Kuwait, and (racial hiring) Let Pat Buchanan stomp his lklns. Hopefully this will extend candidates campaign posters, read quotas -- but the recession (spelt way around New Hampshire, stir ac- to all positions. the platforms in the Cord. Find with a capital "R" ... ) has thrown Another reason to vote is George, worried about all of those plans out of the ring up the people ... adversity the people who are running and his re-election chances, oney. To make the election ask them what they plan to do. window. makes a President look '91 pic: National Lampoon valid quorum must be reached. Making an uninformed vote is Bush now has to show stronger in overcoming it...and Quorum represents ten percent of as bad as not voting at all. It's whether he's got the stuff to be a even if Buchanan does well (my Bush is a pragmatacrat, rather lbe full time student body. This is worse. A candidate could be leader: smoke and mirrors aren't prediction: 40+% of the primary's than an ideologue ... but he has IPPfOXirnately 500 students. The made a representative of the stu going to be enough to pull off re vote), it's unheard of for a politi lions held last year barely met dents while in reality having no lately run into the problem that election in 1992. cal party to dump an incumbent qucrurn. support at all. people think he's more concerned But don't underestimate the "You dance with the partner If quorum is not met the elec I hope this election will have about holding onto his own job, Chief...he likes running as an un that brought you ... ": nobody lion will have to run again at the the largest voter response in rather than he is about protecting derdog -- it brings out his com pense of the students. We all Laurier history. Make our student those of the American public. bativeness -- and he still has most NEXT WEEK: Senator Bob Ker pay Students' Union fees. No one government representative. Vote When you have no agenda, of the cards: being the incumbent; rey of Nebraska: a campaign in wants to pay for two elections. dam mit. why fight dirty for the job, other running the federal government limbo. uation Class of '92
TODAY in the CONCOURSE during LUNCH!! Rd GuidE I \ Fiz.za Slice \ I •• . I \ + I . \ Pop I URIER I ----- .1' \. STudENT HANdbook ANd TElEplioN ·E DiRECTORY is STill AVAilAblE. ' Informational Session for Graduates GET youRs iN li-tE CoRd feb. 5 (Tues) at 5:30 In 1E1 offiCES ON T~E SECONd - Nominations being held for: ·vatecttctortan *Erie Shelly Award flooR of T~E STudENT • Alumni Awards •Honorary President UNiON BuildiNq.
~ YouR 1 991 ~92 WLUER gdma,d~. ~aod §~ ~ 171 KING STREET SOUTH ARE Also WAiTiNG foR WATERLOO, ONTARIO N2J 1P7 you TO clAiM iT. BUS. (519) 7 45-8445 srP#~~pP, ~r!J~N 75 University Ave.W. U \.J.. ~ ~ -----~------1
WLU Students' Union I Student Publications
ELECTIONS\. '• Nomination packages now availa-ble for: 015 Students' Union Board .of Directors OVice-President: University Affairs OPresident, Stude~ts' Union OPresident, Student Publications 06 Student Publications Board of Directors I Packages available in the Students' Union office (3rd floor S.U.B.). Nominations close Friday 1January 31, 1992. Get· involved.:J.make a difference!
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"that universities were un cent of the budget goes out to The letter ends by stating that, OCl.JFA president, Bill Graham derfunded by more than -$400 salaries. They accuse Allen of "Denying adequate funding to • stated that the underfunding is million." "knowing full well" that the higher education is short sighted "disastrous because post "Extreme disappointment" Ontario Confederation of Faculty ness in the extreme .. The young secondary education is key to the words the Council of The letter states, "You (Allen) Associations will not consider men and women of this Province economic and social recovery for Universities (COU) used know full well that universities renegotiating contracts that are al deserve and need the educational the province." •....._..be their reaction to last have only two major sources of ready in place. opportunities that universities The OCUFA supported the government announce- revenue... transfer payments and represent. You can't deny them government's plan to involve fac concerning transfer pay tuition fees. Since your govern The council also accuses Al that dream and, at the same time, ulty, students and staff in decid to the province's univer- ment is denying us sufficient len and his government of ignor pretend you had nothing to do ing how to reshape the system to revenues from either source per ing briefs which showed potential with it." cope with the cutbacks. announcement from haps you can tell us where we are results of the government funding Both the OCUFA and COU Treasurer Floyd going to get the missing money?" plans. The council now feels that The Ontario Confederation of support the idea uf co-operation stated that there would The council continues in the job loss and less accessibility to University Faculty Association between themselves to try to a one percent increase in letter by explaining that 80 per- university will be the result. response was much the same. reduce the negative impacts. funds for the coming two percent increase in following two years. B u s I N E s s p R 0 F I L E of COU Peter stated that the COU had province previously that a seven percent increase is necessary just to Frank's Family Jewels and nlaintain the present of education, student and jobs at our university." STEVE HORNICK gram in 1983, places heavy em- of the larger department stores. somebody that will keep people provincial government -- Cord Business- phasis on his ability to offer his The idea of quality service happy". announced an increase to customers high quality service as -fits well with his personal maxim Another advantage Frank en tuition by seven per- one of the main contributors to "treat everybody like a king". joys over his chain-store oriented With dark economic storm clouds his continued success. This ideal has served him well as competition is the fact that he COU, a voluntary organi continuing to gather and threaten, owns the building in which the mrepresent collective in one would expect that most store is housed. Whereas the of Ontario universities, businesses in Ontario are, in competition pays top dollar for to the announcement Premier Bob Rae's words, "really the premium space in Kitchener open letter to the Minister getting hammered". Waterloo's various malls, Frank's and Universities, Not so with Frank's Jewellers Jewellers enjoys the rent-free Allen. in uptown Waterloo. benefits of a prime downtown letter criticized Allen's For the reasons behind the location. and questioned him on business' ongoing success, one Frank's business advice not universities were to deal need look no further then Bob only applies to the jewellery busi cutbacks. Frank. Frank follows in both his ness but can assist in any business in a statement last father's and his grandfather's venture you might delve into. said, university presidents footsteps in running the opera Frank notes that "there is no only to make "creative at tion. magic out there." In order to to use the existing Frank is weathering the reces succeed "you have to do what there to maximize the sion quite nicely, relaxed and you do better then others; you've of college and university comfortable running Kitchener just got to be good. You have to • Waterloo's oldest jewellery store . have a good idea and be council, in their letter, The business has thrived in willing to work." how Allen could make Waterloo's uptown core for close Frank said that to continue since he has been to seventy-five years. you just have to "work hard and die Ontario university sys Positive might be too soft a keep your nose clean". "should know that uni word to describe Frank's attitude. Bob Frank · pic: Jo Ann Julien As for current graduates This is, after all, a man who truly Frank advises them "not to take have been accepting believes that one of the keys to he has watched sales rise every some shlock job just for the sake more students until in As an independent operator running a successful business is are at the bursting point, Frank feels that he and his six full year, even during one of the of getting a job". It would be bet to "have fun" at what your doing. worst recessions in recent history. ter, in his opinion, to find some governments expected time employees can provide do so." There is of course more to it customers with "quality service" Frank emphasises that "ad- thing that will put some money in than that. Frank, who graduated and a "more professional ap ding value to the product" can be your vocket wh\le 'i SAVAGERY AND SORROW IN FAT CITY head, (as I knew that they'd be eaten alive by sunrise111 In which Fisher Sheffield Returns to Ottawa in the Com else they would have brought money and clothing 1111 pany of Two Strange Girls, Tries on Jackets with Ed their own liquor along with them to our nation's cajili. Broadbent, Lunches with the Prime Minister, Breaks Paulina's Foot, and Roughs Up a Doctor Alert and on the look-out for that savage little 1111 PART ONE driver, I eventually doubled-back to the Carlelll "What do you mean?" Buckley asked, suddenly campus, and found Paulina's room in residence. frowning. Even though Paulina was my ex-girlfriend, we stil "Well .. .it seems that there was once this editor," I be got along well enough to spend time together. And evca gan, turning away from -the window to face Buckley, though I'll admit it sounds like a cliche, we'd broken if "who, facing graduation in less than a month, sent out for reasons that were mostly my own selfish fault, lxa dozens of resumes, to community newspapers, radio sta still liked her, and I think deep down in her heart, II tions, publishing companies, etc. And it came about that still liked me. two days later, he decided to run a very controversial ar ticle on drugs and university life, against the wishes of the administration. And it came about that two days after that, the student government hired a full-time censor for the paper, positioning the editor as the defender of free dom of the press, when all of the community newspa pers, radio stations, publishing companies, etc. came into the university to cover the story ... all of this within a week of him sending out his resumes ... neat, huh?" Less than two hours later I was on a bus headed to Ottawa, to see Paulina, with an envelope stuffed thick with five dollar bills resting inside my jacket pocket. On the ride to Ottawa, I struck up a conversation with two girls wearing Queen's University black leather jack ets, after they got on the bus in Kingston. I was wearing my Laurier leather jacket, McMaster baseball cap, and tom-up Queen's University sweatshirt, so they asked me It was a warm, sunny Thursday afternoon in early if I knew a guy named Bob something-or-other, but I November and I'd just received a card in the mail from said that I didn't my ex-girlfriend, inviting me to Ottawa for the weekend, By the time we got Into the Ottawa bus station, when I burst into the newspaper's offices to speak to my though, the girls confessed to me that they had no editor. money: indeed, they were only in town for the weekend "Buckley!" looking for some action, having brought no luggage, and Big Ed Broadbent tries on a jacket pic: Phil Volpe I found him in his office. "Buckley .. .Jesus, man, I'm no plans for the immediate future, save perhaps staying glad I found you ... Look, I need a plane ticket to Ot awake for 72 hours and credit-carding fresh clothes and. tawa .. .I've lined up an interview with the Prime Minis liquor as they needed it I too was travelling light, with. By the time I got to her apartment, though, she WI! ter." only my wallet, pocket tape recorder, and reporter's: already gone. "Fisher ... " he sighed, "What are you talking about?" notebook, so I could sympathize with their situation. She was physically not there: it was 7:00 in the mOil "I have to get to Ottawa ... Brian Mulroney and I go The one girl was sexy, with dirty blonde hair (cut: ing, and she was down the hallway, in the shower, JX!' back together, it's true. I worked with him when Mikhail short like a tom-boy) and chiselled features, while the· paring for her 8:30 Friday morning biology lab. Gorbachev was in Hogtown in 1990 .. .I've arranged an other girl was only beautiful, with long, dark hair; a pale,, "Fisher!. .. God, what are you doing here?'' (Pause ll interview ... we gig together like this all the time." white complexion; and the kinkiest shade of lipstick I'd! think) "... and how did you get into the building?" Paulim "Fisher ... " he sighed again. ever seen: as we hailed a taxi, I found myself memoriz-. asked me, as she stepped out into the hallway, wearq "No, I'm serious this time, this is the juice," I was ing their faces, in case I ever needed to file a police: only a small white towel. walking around his office at this, holding my hands be report "I broke a window and snuck in ... so, how are ya1'1 hind my back, and looking down at the floor. "He wants ,...------, smiled shyly. me to hang out with him, and do a 'Day in the Life of the "B-b-but, we're on the 12th floor--" she stammered. Prime Minister' article, like Maclean's did last summer II Eventually everything got sorted out. Paulilll, "No! It's all lies! You pulled that shit last year with (medium-height, built like a beach volleyball player, Guy, about Ben Johnson in Hamilton. We paid for your deeply-suntanned (even though it was November, w trip to Hamilton, and settled those bills for liquor and toy ridges between her knuckles went from dirt-colour~ guns out of court, but you never did get an interview!" he white when she clenched her fists), strawberry blOillk was shouting at me. hair (combed out straight, so her ears were covered aDl So I showed him the pictures. her head was given the stylistic shape of a triangle), &rel "Look," he finally said. "I don't know how you got eyes that glinted, and a beauty mark on the right side ri into this picture with Mulroney, Gorbachev, and the Rus her heart-shaped chin), wanted to spend as much timez sian secret service, but it changes nothing. The newspa possible with me over the course of the next three days. per can't afford a plane ticket to Ottawa. I don't believe but she knew that my business came first: as she dre~ that you know the Prime Minister, but I would still like for class, I called up the PMO (Prime Minister's Office to send you to do a story on Ottawa, but just not right and with the words "Good evening Mr. Kelly, how m now. Our cash flow is really tight at this time. And Jesus! we this evening? Might I recommend the Mexican sand do you know what would happen if the rest of the staff wich with enraged wolverine?" spoken to Brian's ~ found out that you have an expense account?" sonal secretary (a private joke between the two of us), let I nodded gravely. "So that's the way it's going to the Prime Minister know that I was coming for lunch. be?" So, after Paulina kissed me goodbye and went ro "I'm afraid so," he said, looking up from his chair. class, I took her car to the Rideau Centre shopping mall, I thought about the situation that he had placed me in, and made my way to the Holt Renfrew, to get fitted fora but not for long. Sniper drawing a bead on Sheffield pic: Ted Cruise new tuxedo ... only to run face-to-face into ex-fedml "That's OK," I finally said, breaking into a huge NDP leader Ed Broadbent, as he was trying on for a new smirk. "I was thinking that my next story should be corduroy jacket something a little closer to home anyways." Me in the front seat, the girls sharing the back, we in Now, not too many people know this, but Big OJ "Really?" Buckley asked me, relieved by the change structed our thick-necked little French Canadian taxi Broadbent smokes big fat Cuban cigars like the mania: in topic, "What did you have in mind?" driver to take us over to the Carleton University that he is ... and he's constantly nodding off in his office, "An expose.. .in the poetic style of Buckley Black , campus ... and when we'd arrived at our destination, I awakening to fmd big bum marks on his jacket, and hil hawk," I said, t1attering him, "... on the com1ption ram shouted "SCATTER!", and we ran off in three different hair on fire ... and as he's gotten older, it's gotten so bill pant in the establishment here at the university ... about directions ... and of course the driver took off after me, in that he's considered shaving his head bald, and oniJ the favouritism that dictates campus hiring prac a hellish, two-mile long foot chase, (with him screaming wearing a piece for when he has to go on TV in frontd tices .... about the petty politics and personalities that run "T'at ez rig't, ass'ole! You better to be running!" the the cameras ... and the Holt Renfrew, recognizing hh student govemment...about the apathy that coats the stu whole way), but I eventually lost him, diving into some Broadbent's special place in the hearts of all Canadians, dent body." body's backyard pool, and, holding my breath for over 4 has given him a very generous credit limit for fresh jack· "Great! Could be very important!" he beamed. minutes, hid underwater until he went away. ets. I went and looked out the window. "Yeah .. .I've been "Sheffield ... " (he's never called me "Fisher", I don! researching it, collecting facts, for over a year now. I've When I was sure that the taxi driver was gone, I know why) he said as we stood together in front of the got some really great anecdotes." climbed out of the pool, and, soaking wet, walked along big mirrors, "When, uh, did you get back?" "Like what?" he asked, anarchy-lust gleaming in his the mean, rollercoaster streets of Fat City, until I found "Just this morning ... " I said, testing out the jack~ eyes. myself a public washroom. There, I dried myself off with with a crouch position. I ran my fmger down the window pane, streaking it. toilet paper and the hot air dispenser, and reflected on "And, uh, why are you back?" he finished nervously. "Just stuff. Quotes from interviews. Second-hand stories what had just occurred. Standing up: "I've got a meeting with Mulroney,'! from reliable sources. Incidents I've actu~lly wit I was glad to be rid of those two girls, I thought told him, quite simply. nessed ... egomanical operations management board vice They were weird, and would have been nothing but "Damn! How do you always arrange those? He won' presidents. Nepotistic administration members. Op trouble: the blonde had had a wooden hand, I noted. even return my calls," he said bitterly, tears welling up il portunistic newspaper editors." They were obviously not from Ottawa, I sadly shook my his eyes. SAVAGERY ANI> SORRO"W IN FAT CITY "Oh, don't worry, Ed. .. " I reassured him, slowly em I grabbed him by the lapels of his lab coat, spun him When he saw my press badge, he understood im phasizing each word. ''I'm not going to cause any up against the wall, and shoved my face into his. mediately, and even offered me free surgery to cover up trouble: it won't be like last time." And then turning to "You .. .f-f-fuck!" I stammered shakily, a bundle of the hideous scar just above my left elbow. the tailor, I said: "This tuxedo's a little too tight: I want it raw nerves, freaking on him, "!...have been awake ... for "No, thank you," I finally said, calming down, and little taxi to fit loosely, just in case I have to draw my gun, or 34 hours ... and l...have a deadline ... for 20 000 words ... on thoughtfully pointing at my scar. "This .. .littlc son-of-a Carleton move quickly ... " Tuesday at 9:00 AM ... I...am ... a. ..r-reporter," I recited in bitch ... has gotten me behind more closed doors ... than all tensely, finally fumbling to·dig my wallet out of my din of the press passes in the world ... " Paulina joined the Prime Minister and I for lunch at ner jacket, and flash him my press badge. 24 Sussex: and I could tell Brian was more than a little upset. You see, Brian Mulroney does not like to eat with As Fisher Sheffield Admits a Foot Fetish, Watches the women around, not even Mila, or his daughter Caroline: Sleeping Paulina Breath, Drinks With Strangers He he has animalistic table manners. Brian likes to chow Doesn't Like, Responds to Brian Mulroney's Desperate down exclusively on blood-dripping meat, and eat with Plea for Help, and is Shot At by the Prime Minister his hands: and when he attacks a moose steak sent to him from one of his friends up in Northwestern Ontario, not a TTW speck of meat is left on the bone. Saturday morning, 3:00 AM, and only a flood of cof routine all over again. But the Prime Minister toned down his act, for the fee and concern for Paulina's foot kept me awake all Thumb and finger on the black metal of the lighter, sake of Paulina: he ordered two glasses of ice water night: I am a man, Mr. Editor, who must admit he likes sliding the Zippo out ojmy pocket: schick! ("without the ice": I don't know why he enjoys that gag to suck toes, and likes to have his toes sucked: you can Thumb on the wheel of the flint, sparking it: flick! so much, but he does) and a small salad (made, as per his thus unders~d how sensitive I was to the whole situa Spark hitting the jet of fluid, exploding it into flame: instructions, out of only meat). tion. hiss! Conversation with the PM was light and breezy, and At 3:45 AM, Paulina was fmally discharged from the I was lighting the cigarette with my right hand somehow we drifted into religion. When I asked Brian if emergency room of the Ottawa Civic Hospital, and; x wrapped behind my head and around the other side when he was of any particular religious faith, he grinned that rays showing that only the poppa toe was actually Jill came up behind me. big grin of his, and, with a twinkle in his eye, replied: broken, we once again made our way back to the Car "I'm a Seventh-Day Adventist, which means I can't leton University campuS~ with me at the wheel of her car. "There is no Excellent Beauty, that hath not some donate blood ... ", which we both knew was bullshit of By the light of the full moon, the ride was spent in si strangeness in. the proportion." - Francis Bacon course, and a sick joke. lence, as neither of us could apparently think of anything "Aw, hell," I smirked, and winked over at Paulina, to say. When she asked me about my latest writing pro I turned around and looked at her. She was medium "There go my plans for the weekend ... " ject, I grunted a few non-comments, effectively killing height, and built like a beach volleyball player. She· was that line of conversation. And when I asked her if she'd deeply suntanned, even though it was winter: when sfze The Prime Minister had a cabinet mc..:ting that been doing anything new lately, she was vague, talking clenched her hands into fists, the ridges between her afternoon, and wanted me to attend, but I had to remind only about going out shopping with friends, and school knuckles went from dirt-colour to white. She had straw him that I was not a Privy Council member, and declined work. berry blonde hair, combed out straight, so her ears were his invitiation ... and went back to Carleton with Paulina, And once or .twice on that big fat Queen's Way covered and her head was given the stylistic shape of a and spent the afternoon walking along the Rideau super-road that winds through Fat City, I almost fell as triangle. She had gray eyes that glinted, and on her Canal ... and trying like hell not to feel like some kind of leep at the wheel, and drifted the car into oncoming traf heart-shaped chin, a beauty mark. On her head rested a dopey romantic. fic: but a quick, sharp elbow. to the ribs from Paulina peaked cap, and the badge on her black-with-a-white kept me awake, and, in both instances, from destroying horizontal-stripe jacket read "Fire Marshall". Friday night, dinner-time at the Chateau Laurier us both. "You' II have to close your store and leave early,'' she dining room, me freshly showered, hair slicked back, and 1 told me. '1t' s dangerous for you to be here right now." back in my white double-breasted dinner jacket; her in ~------. "All right," I answered. "So ... what's the problem?" I her red-sequin dining gown and black high heels, and __ ...... ___ ...._...... ,_-1.. (lipped the Zippo over my head from behind my back, wearing little make-up (she didn't need it): and all I got deftly caught it in front of me with my left hand . .nd from Paulina was: "Why does the Prime Minister like sparked it. you so much? Why--?" Jill gave me a whiplash smile, that scared me and "Fuck, I don't know!...I guess it's because I make made me lnsane for her all at the same time, and in that him laugh ... we used to drink together, and act weird, instant I could tell that she was deeply disturbed. that's all I know ... " I said, agitated. "There's a gas leak," she said, 'This whole mall could go And then we headed out onto the dance floor, and I up at any minute." spun Paulina around a few times, ball-room dancing-like, Quickly, I snapped the Zippo shut and til; wit down I until accidently stomped on her left foot, and broke all on the counter./ thought of my store, with its f · !ate~glass of her toes. walls and rows on rows of empty movie cases. And then I thought of splinters of glass exploding into the night sky WHIRLPOOL LOVE: The Fall of Prime Minister M. and melting from the ferocious heat: empty movie boxes Brian Mulroney spinning through the air, round and round and round, cardboard burning and landing out over on the parking by Fisher Sheffield lot. And the whole time, one idea kept streaming, spin ning and curving through my head. "I am not loved, I know that, not in soul or body. I have This could be a love story. never known the soft whisper of endearment. Never Because when I went home with her and she wanted known the peace that lies between the thighs of a to marry me and we did weird things in the bathtub, it woman .. .But I am respected. I am feared. And that will was a love story: albeit one that was doomed to be suffice." dragged down, sinking us both in a corkscrew of - Adam Susan, Leader of England, 1997, in Alan despair ... Moore's "V For Vendatta" And I'll never forget that weekend, because Monday afternoon was the first time I ever met Brian Mulroney. I think Adam Susan hit the nail right on the head Excerpt from "WHIRLPOOL LOVE: The Fall of Prime when he uttered that bit about love and politics: from Minister M. Brian Mulroney" Saturday morning still, 6 hours after blurrily driving what I've seen, they just don't go together. home from the hospital, I woke up in beQ beside Paulina, Our Prime Minister is living testimony to this: there "There's nothing worse than a virtuous man with a mean in her residence apartment. I'd passed out from exhaus- was a time, not too long ago, when Brian Mulroney had mind." -Richard Nixon them all: the love of a woman, the love of country, the love of a country: and they say two out of three ain't bad, Well .•. maybe so. Unless it's a beautiful sociopath but now The Boss is getting sick of Canada, and its ways, with an unquenchable sexual appetite. too. But that's usually the way it goes with the Meanest Six feet above me, upside-down and bolted to the Game in Town: they sweep you to power in a wave of roof, the ceiling fan spun round and round, swirling the adoration and lust, fuck ya for a couple of years, and air, keeping it moving. then kick you out of bed, and out on your ass. The ceiling fan would sometimes capture my interest What makes the public's love become hatred? How in those early hours of the morning, at 3:00AM, or 4:00 can lust become destructive? Must adoration shift to AM, when I was alone in the video store for hours at a vilifaction? Do we really need to kick Brian Mulroney in stretch, and it was no longer fun to put "APOCALYPSE the balls to get his attention? Is every Prime Minister in NOW" up on the big screen, with the battle scenes trinsically doomed to suffer from whirlpool love, r:Jlugged into the mall stereo system, to scare off the bums eventually sinking in a corkscrew of despair, with the sad and vagrants. All in all it was a menial job that I was knowledge that the only place in the world where it could much too qualified for, but by being able to go 76 hours 1I don't ever be any different is Australia, where he'd go down at a time without sleep, I was able to keep up my relent of the the drain counterclockwise instead? less schedule of drinking nights, building a paycheck mornings, and writing during the day. jacket Pacing back and forth, with my bow-tie undone about I'd been lazily playing with my Zippo lighter when, my neck and my dinner jacket dishevelled, tlicse words just after midnight, Jill came in. It was Saturday night were composed into my pocket tape record ~ r, in the and my shift had just started, and there I was, schick! waiting room of the Ottawa Civic Hospital...and I was flick! and hiss! doing tricks with the Zippo. I didn't smoke, but I'd jerk the lighter out of my back building up a good head of steam, really putting out Smilin' Brian with Gorbachev, 1990 some incredibly clean first-draft political commentary, pocket and into my left hand all in one Clean movement, until an off-duty doctor came up to me and asked what I light up a cigarette, take a drag on it to make sure it pic: Ted Cruise was doing. caught, and then butt the cigarette out and start the --=" h ? SAVAGERY ANI> SORROW IN FAT CITY tion on the floor of her room about 15 seconds after she I felt cheap: it had been a low blow, even though it got the key out of her door, and apparently she'd stripped was true. Paulina didn't pay me much attention after that: she me to my boxers, and dragged me over to the bed. "Would you like a beer?" I asked, sticking one in his . was too busy making conversation, drinking vodka Paulina was wearing her white PJ long-johns, the face, trying to apologize. shooters, laughing, talking on the phone, passing out type that you button up the ass, and she was still asleep. "Don't you think it's a little early in the day for that?" towels to mop up spilled wine coolers, laughing, talking, So I didn't move an inch, not wanting to wake her, and Reuben asked, turning back to me, and smiling sheepish drinking ... just lay oerfectly still on my side and watched her breath. ly. Ignored by and ignoring everyone else in the room God, I thought, the woman even breathes sexy. "Yeah .. .I guess you're right," I agreed ...but then held (the fucks, they were ruining my day), I fmally pigeon For a long time I watched the gentle rythym of her up to my mouth, and finished off, my fourth beer of the holed Paulina, and tried once again to talk her into breathing. I watched as her chest slowly floated up and young day. deserting her own room, and running away with me ... but down. As she sucked fresh air in through her nose, and just as I began to give my desperate speech, the phon: hissed it out stale through her lips long seconds later. I Oh, it was terrible. Less than half an hour after arriv rang yet once more. watched as she lay there, and, every time my attention ing, Mr. !'Don't you think it's a little early in the day for Except this time, it was for me. was just about to wander, she shifted ever so slightly, as that?" and his crew had brought out a couple of packs of Veruschka handed me the phone. if to keep up my interest. I watched her move her head wine coolers, and a bottle of Jack Daniels ... and pro It was Brian Mulroney. from side to side, twitching her hair, and watched her ceeded to begin a drinking game based on "Truth or eyes fluttering beneath her closed lids: I wondered what Dare" ... "Fisher... come to my office... use the secret entrance she was dreaming about. "Truth or dare?" Oscar asked. if you must...but please come," Brian sounded desperate But then the telephone rang, for the first of many "Truth" Natasha chose. and confused as he began to speak to me. times that day: and away from that perfect moment, it all "OK... the question is," Oscar thought for a second, "Why?" I asked, turning away from the group in the began to sink once again. "Have you ever fantasized about making it with a dead room, speaking quietly into the mouthpiece. "What's person?" he finished. wrong?" Paulina answered the phone with a slam from the "Uh ... guy, or girl?" Natasha asked. "l...don 't know .. .I feel...sick." palm of her hand to the mouthpiece: the earpiece jerked "Doesn't matter." Phoebe interjected. "Brian ... " I huffed, pissed off at being disturbed by up, and she deftly caught it with her fingers. what was probably one of Mulroney's games. But then I I smiled as I watched and listened to her talk: she was I was standing out in the hallway, just to be by continued: "I'm busy right now, I'm at Paulina's." blinking her eyes to adjust to the sunlight streaming in myself, when I first began to hear somebody retching in "l...know ... where you are." through the window, and yawning confusedly. the communal bathroom ... so I went down the hallway, "--I've got to spend some time with Paulina: that's kicked open the door, and saw D' Arcy (a brown-haiwL what I came back to Ottawa for," I finished. thin General Arts student with a sad face) leaning over "Please ... come to my office .. .! think I've shot the toilet, heaving up her lunch. myself...in the wrist," Brian pleaded. It was 1:30. My pulse quickened, and my attention peaked. Oh "The booze creeped up on you pretty f:\ .L, huh?" I Jesus! I thought, this is bad: his voice had a strange lilt to asked sympathically, after sneaking up behind her. it, and he was probably playing with [Minister of Fi "No ... " she moaned, wiping her mouth with a piece of nance Don] Mazankowski's handgun again, I reasoned. toilet paper, and it was then that I remembered that she Don usually took the bullets out before giving it to Brian, had declined a drink, because it contained "too many but this time he probably thought Brian was serious. calories". · "All right, Brian," I murmured, looking over first at "What?...Are you ... pregnant?" I asked, thinking Paulina (she was talking with Reuben), and then at my quickly. watch. "I'll be there in 45 minutes: just...hold on!" "No ... bulimic," she replied, as she wiped the drool off of her chin. I tried (I swear) to tell Paulina where I was going, but she had her back to me, so I didn't bother ... so I gathered Back in her room, Paulina was talking on the phone up my stuff (tuxedo, wallet, and tape recorder), went and yet again, while Reuben et.al. continued their game. I got changed, slicked back my hair, stuffed my shorts and tuned in to Phoebe's answer on "the most degrading t-shirt into the garbage can in the washroom down the thing [she'd] ever done to get high?", but when 1 hallway ... and 10 minutes later was sprinting over to Par eventually turned back to Paulina, she was off the phone, liament Hill. but gone. "Where's Paulina?" I asked Veruschka, and she said Excerpt from WHIRLPOOL LOVE: The Fall of Prime that Paulina had gone down the hallway to borrow a Minister M. Brian Mulroney stapler. So it was back into the hallway for me, trying to pick I'll never forget the first words Brian Mulroney ever up the trail. But I was stumbling all over the corridors uttered to me: "What? ... no (yawn) ... Fisher's here... right beside me (having lost the edge off of my motor coordination), "Are you an assassin?" he asked, as he raked his big (yawn) ... just a (yawn) friend ... Fisher Sheffield while Paulina was moving like a phantom (despite her right hand through his hair, along his skull. ... what?...cool ... when? ... no ... my foot hurts: come over broken toe): I could hear her voice, her laugh (and even "I'm a soldier," I replied, quite simply (following the here instead ... what? ... I broke a toe last smell her perfume), but every comer I turned around she quote.) night ... (yawn) ... dancing ... (yawn) ... Fisher... when? wasn't there: I lost her in the maze. "You are neither--" he replied quickly: and then we (yawn) ... cool...all right ... anytime ... (yawn) ... bye." Eventually though, I caught up to her in the hallway: both laughed our heads off: the connection had been "Who was that?" I asked, secretly smiling to myself. I ran up to her, and fmally got her undivided attention. made, he knew I understood, and the rubicon had been crossed... "D'arcy. She said that Reuben, Holden and Phoebe "Paulina, honey, this sucks .. .I don't know those are in town, so they're coming over in an hour." people... and I don't like them .. .I thought this weekend I knew none of these people, and suddenly found was going to be just you and me, alone ... just like the old What, oh what? I thought, had Jill gotten me into: I myself frowning as I got up out of bed to get dressed. days ...c'mon, let's get out of here .. .let's go some- had known she was going to go to work on Parliament where ... anywhere," I begged. Hill, but I had no idea I'd be spending the morning in the PMO. The next few hours were spent in that tiny comer of .------, hell reserved for outsiders: Paulina got along marvelous- It was, really, only pure luck that Brian Mulroney ly with her guests, and introduced me to everyone who was in his office at that time: most days he's usually came into her room that afternoon as her boyfriend, but I done by I 1:30. But he was there that day ... so I went over said little, just smiling nervously, nodding shyly ... and to him and introduced myself, said that I was a reporter, consoling myself with all the liquor that I could get my and, after I passed his "APOCALYPSE NOW" litmus hands on. test, he took dn instant liking to me. But before "D'Arcy", "Reuben", "Holden" and "Phoebe" showed up, "Natasha", "Veruschka", "Feizal", "Fisher," he began his first-ever piece of advice to and "Oscar" arrived: all beautiful, handsome, and young me, "there are two types of men in this country: men that representatives of clean-living and old money ... and be you can kick in the balls, and men that you can't: you re fore I knew it, there he was. member that, and you'll go far in this world." It was an interview, and I was scribbling notes Reuben, I thought to myself, Reuben fuckin' furiously: "And politics is the art of knowing the dif· Cartwright...just the little ray of sunshine I was hoping ference?" I asked. "And Joe Clark didn't, and that's why for ... he didn't last?" "Let me tell you something about Joe Clark," Brian Well, Paulina went all ga-ga over the guy, just like told me. "Joe Clark once came into a cabinet meeting so the old days ... which I could never understand, because I stoned out of his head, he needed help falling down: he used to kick the crap out of Reuben at every one of our had little white rings around his nostrils from sniffing wrestling meets, pinning his face to the mat, throwing Liquid Paper two at a time, and he was mumbling about him over my hip, tossing him out of the ring just for ex Joey Smallwood and Teddy Roosevelt once having had ercise... but when I eventually got around to thinking of an affair.. John Turner? The man used to drink Aqua it, I remembered that Paulina only began to show me any Velva: didn't get him drunk (he was immune), but he attention after Reuben had dislocated my shoulder... sure smelt good.. Mike Wilson? (that's not his real name, So I decided to act nice. by the way): he likes to sniff magic markers: and he "Uh ... hello, Bobby .. .l haven't seen you since you needs to keep soaking his handkerchief in gasoline and smashed Dub-Dub-Dub in the face and ran away a year "wiping" his nose to get himself through Question Period ago in Hamilton ... are you still bumming money off Siob Paulina just smiled that savage, beautiful smile of each day ... John Nunziata? He once got so hammered, he han when you need cash to buy Christmas gifts for other hers, and wobbily said: "I don't understand ... " passed out on the table where the Hansard is written up, girls?" And then she slipped back inside of her room and and held on with both hands like he thought he was slid· "Fisher," Reuben coughed his greeting, looking started talking to Natasha: we weren't at the far end of ing off. .. " away, ignoring me. her floor; we'd been standing just outside of her door. Mulroney was in afoul, gossip-mongering mood tlult SAVAGERY AND SORROW IN FAT CITY dtly, as JlU Inspected his offtce for fire hazards (she "But. .. the end should never justify the means," Brian ~liP only giving him one ticlcet that day: for the soberly cautioned me. thinner-sooted rags he had stashed underneath his "Brian," I sighed. "You've got to grow up: we're . bill the interview went on. talking realpoliticks here, wher-e there are no "-:onserva "So, uh. what you're saying is, that between your tives" or "liberals" or "socialists", but only Prag and the Uberals, in terms of policy, there's really matacrats, and everybody else, who we'll label Dum " mies ... the end always, always justifies the means .. .it's a scary old fuckin' world, but the only code a true man has to abide by is "To live above the law, you must be honest" ... " Brian chewed this over for awhile in silence, and I think it was making a lot of sense to him: and then he brightened up, and changed the topic, telling me ''I'm thinking of appointing Stompin' Tom Conners to the Senate... " "Hrumph!" I coughed, to clear my throat. "You'd be better off appointing Bryan Carswell ... or even Ted Cruise--" "Or you," Brian said soberly, jabbing his finger at me. I blushed: "Thanks, but we both know that I'm not .. ~.. old enough ... yet." got .,. t•• SOPJCthina:att·•~Mila: mb$t~baVo-•"· --~~ l~Jdm~inut But just then we drove past this huge three car ....- pUilia,t·lrimselfiogeth«, lboro,otn.~- ·~· ~C .>mash-up just outside the Bayshore Shopping Centre, I atill moaDing. "What's going olt betwcervyou and towards dle4oor. he pleaded: and I didn't want Brian to see all the blood, so I tucked lady of yours?" ~ ...don't go••• a&ay ... and .tell ~ so~ of your his head underneath my arm, and, rocking him gently .,..-;.,.., •Ha•badn't meaot to stick a knife in my -heart. but he .....,.-.,," I back and forth, with my hand covering his eyes, said s for just a short moment, my op welled liP t90. "No!" l was furious, l>loocl &ri.ckling down dle sleeve "It's all right, Brian .. .it's all right.. .it's OK. .. " uthing ••• you know that old AC/DC tune: of my jackot. "You've gone fudan~ - illsanel You were al And we drove on ... metimes I think this woman is kinda hot/SOmetimes I ways weird. but now you·~ ~ - ~lup Lltcien, this woman is soinetimes not/Spends my money, or one of your other "friends": get them to help you!" We drove on: through the corkscrew, twisting streets my booze, steps out every night/And I get to "Please don't go," he was blubbering. of Fat City, we drove on ... t1fPkinl. just a minute, something ain't right!' •.Jt's like "No! I'm leaving!" And just before dark, we went over to S tornoway, the uactly! .. .she's great, when she's alone, but get her "Then take me with you--" he begged, looking government residence of the Official Leader of Her ~ her frieads. and she turns into an asshole ... " and pathetic. Majesty's Opposition, and slowly drove back and forth going way off-topic (but Brian was an old friend, so This gave me pause: I was tempted to yell "No!" once up and down the street, five times in each direction: I knew he'd understand), "and whenl see who she hangs again, but he looked so sad, what with those fat tears just Chretien wasn't there (as it turned out) but his wife and out with, when she could be hanging out with me .. .ah, it sliding down that big chin of his, that my fury broke. son Michael stood in the bay window and watched us as Just makes me furious, that's alL" I ended sadly. "All right," l finally said, ·"call your limo, the bullet we kept ominiously creeping past: Chretien knew why "Fish ... what can we do? •.• how can we go proof one, and we'll go someplace... " we were there, and that if he ever did it again, we'd be back? •••three ye3l'S, my friend, three ye8rs ... you were in "Where?" he asked, instantly brightening, but still back ... love, and I was stomping to re-election, and it was the moving slowly as he picked up his telephone. And then we went over to Don Cherries, a bar in Ot summer ot: '88 ... " Brian was starting to cry again. "I dunno.•• maybe? ... nah, let's just go out cruising for tawa, and (like a savage flashback to one yehr earlier in "We can't go back, Brian ... and I don't think either of hookahs. •. " Hamilton), they wouldn't let us in: I didn't have my driver's license with me. Where Fisher Sheffield Advises Brian Mulroney on Love "Fuck, man!" I yelled at the bouncer at the front door, and Politics in the '90s, Goes on a Rampage with the "This is just like in Steeltown! You're all pigs! I'm wear Prime Minister of Canada, and Reunites and Runs Away ing a tuxedo this time! I've got a limo, for Christ's sake! with a Strange Girl at a Doughnut Shop, Abandoning the Here's my press badge! And I've got the Prime Minister PM with me!--" TTH EE But it was still no go: so, as Brian got back into the Well, we didn't go out looking for prostitutes, but we your campaign airplane for an Apache helicopter with limo, I was stomping around on the sidewalk, just still had a good time ... we drove around and watched TV side-mounted rocket launchers, start insisting that you furious ... and then I went around to the back of the car, and I drank from the bar and Brian brought out this want to armwrestle George Bush every time you get and, after an enraged pause, ripped the boomerang thing Ziploc freezer bag full of gas to sniff, and we were soon drunk in public: you know, start getting more and more off of the trunk hood, and hurled it like an animal smiling again ... we drove through little Italy, and Brian violent and erratic." through the front window of the bar. screamed out "Maria!" at every girl he saw, and I I paused, and saw that Brian was listening intently. It made a huge crashing sound as the plate glass laughed my head off, and only the driver didn't So I continued, throwing my hands apart for emphasis: sprayed out everywhere, but I was back in the limo and smirk ... we drove to a 24-hour tattoo parlour so Brian------~--~------, we were gone before the bouncers could grab us. could get a tattoo of a scab put on his belly, but the man .., - And we drove on ... at the counter refused to serve us because he said we ap peared to be under the influence of drugs .... ") after that "Mila means everything to me, Fisher.. .if she told me we went through the drive-through at the ,\&W, and to quit this game, I'd be out of politics the next day .. .I've Brian ordered 10 burgers ("without'the buns") to happily been up, and I've been down, but Mila's been with me feed his meat-lust, and we cruised around tltc twisting the whole way." streets of Fat City some more ... "Well, Brian, she must see that being Pl\ I is slowly stripping the flesh from your bones .. .if she lo·,·es you so "What can I do to get it all back, Fisher?" much, why doesn't she beg you to quit?" I asked. "I don't know, Brian," I replied, sitting in the back "Because she knows I'm still hooked on being the seat of the limo, and I didn't. I thought about his situa boss," Brian replied, smiling, "and she wants me to be tion, and I knew what he wanted me to say, but I happy ... Mila is still willing to make the sacrifice for couldn't just tell him that he could tum it all around with me ... " no effort. "Sacrifice," I repeated after him, but my voice had "Look, man," I eventually began, "You've basically gone flat. shot your dice with the West: they don't trust you "Haven't you ever given up anything for Paulina?" anymore: it took them seven years, but they finally found I thought over Brian's question for a long moment, out that this innocent-looking little Anglo-Irishman lives and then, finally, sadly, shook my head: "No, not a damn in Quebec ... you shouldn't have thrown in with those as thing ... " shales in Montreal...if you would have been strong "What about her girlfriends? ... you know you would enough and had the balls to stand alone, you could have never talk to them, if it wasn't for Paulina .. .! know you, kept Ontario and the West, and that's all you would have my friend: you're harsh, usually bmtually honest about needed ... " the way you feel...so it must be no small sacrifice when I paused for a moment, and looked out the window of you have to pretend you like to be around her friends," the limo: we were driving alongside the Rideau Canal. . - --- - ~- Brian said, before continuing, "I mean, I've never really ".. .I've tried to be a healer, Fisher: you know that. "It's only a small step for the public to go from loa- started a conversation with one of Mila's friends, unless l've tried to be a conciliator, that's always been my thing to fear. Then you'd have all the cards back. They'd it was just small talk, or some guy's wife that I was wait strength--" be scared of you, Brian! Then you could credibly ing with, so that he could get his stuff together, so that I turned back to him: "No, Brian, that's faulty think- threaten Quebec over separation: they'd believe you if we could go out moose hunting ... " ing ... you go with today' s strength, not yesterday' s ... your you said y~u'd drop born~~ on the Montreal shipyards if I said nothing, all of a sudden feeling lousy. advantage now is that everybody hates you -- I know, ever they tned to separate. "But that's what love is all about, Fisher: work. I'm sorry-- so you've got to use that." "But I'd never win re-election--" Devotion. And commiunent." Brian looked sad again, but I didn't think that he was "Fuck, man, who cares? You're not going to win For a long time, I said nothing. I just sat and looked going to cry this time ... he was finally accepting his situa- anyways ... at least this way you'll be forcing Quebec to out the window of the limo, and felt like screaming. And tion. sign the constitution, saving the country, and you'd have I felt like kicking a hole in a wall. And I felt like slipping "Look, ifl were you-- and we both have reason to be fun while doing it. .. and 200 years from now they'll into a catatonic t:J:ance and slobbering all over myself. glad that I'm not -- I'd be trying to scare the country forget all about your violent outbursts and meat sickness, And I felt like punching myself: cruising around the right now: just crank up this huge "mentally-unbalanced" and you'll lx: viewed as a great man ... the way I see it, mean streets of Fat City, tanked up and finally facing the act, and keep the country guessing: maybe beat up a few only the stuptd want to be Prime Minister of Canada in responsibilities of a relationship, with the Prime Minister reporters, start hanging out with young models, trade in the '90s, anyways--" at my side and thinking about Paulina, I felt like crying. SAVAGERY ANI> SORRO"VV IN FAT CITY Not turning to Brian, still looking out the window, I Tears welled up in his eyes, and he had this horribly ver ankh attached to a black leather necklace; purple lip slowly said, with a hollow voice: pained look on his face, like an animal with its front paw stick; black high-heel shoes; big silver loop earrings; and "I don't know, man ... " caught in a trap ... until I just looked at him, and short hair, her long hair recently lopped off with what I "When Paulina and I were it, when we were the story, whispered one little word: "Doughnuts." suspected was a dull-edged butcher's knife. it never felt like work ... " He nodded mutely, understanding. I nodded gravely: "Hello... how has your weekend in "It was just a good time ... and I never expected to Ottawa been going?" have to make a commitment, either one way or the And so we drove on, all over Ottawa, to every coffee "Great!" she bounced about excitedly, " ... well, Jes. other... " shop we could fmd, buying every doughnut we could get sica stole a van and got into a three car smash-up, but "And I realize I'm getting older... and that it's wrong our hands on, because we had decided to go over to Al other than that, it's been fantastic! Ottawa is such a to leave a girl twisting in the wind, but--" lan Fotheringham's, and pack them, along with 40 friendly, weird town! What are you doing tonight?" she "I feel...like a long-distance runner ... who's had his pounds of plastic explosives, into his rural delivery post asked, moving towards me. chest stuck out to cut the tape... but for the last two office box ... "Well, uh, I was just riding around with--" but I broke miles ... and I still don't see the finish line ... " But between our 7th anti 8th coffee houses, Brian got off when I looked out over the girl's shoulder, and saw "My force is spent..l'm running on fumes, man .. .l off on some strange tangent about his life: he started tell Brian Mulroney climbing out of the sunroof of the limo, feel tired, and all the time .. .it hurts too much to care ing me about how his youngest son dyed his hair; how naked, hunching down on the roof, howling at the about some things ... " Mila collected rubber bands; how Perrin Beatty liked moon ... and throwing honey-glaze doughnuts at panhand· And when I fmally turned back to look at Brian, he eating chocolate-covered cockroaches; how Barbara lers. looked sad too. McDougall had once been hit by lightning, and had all "With who?" the girl asked, as she moved still closer And we drove on ... the skin between her fingers fused together; and then he to me, and into my arms. asked me if I'd ever performed a trichotomy. I hugged her tightly, and grabbed her skull, to prevent "Look," he began, fumbling, a couple of minutes "No, uh .. .I can't say as I have." her from twisting her head and looking where I was later, "if I appointed you to the Mexican ambassadorship, "I have," he said quietly. "My cat was choking to looking: from loolting outside. would you marry my daughter Caroline?" · death on a pingpong ball, so I pulled out my pocket "With Earl McRae and Doug Fisher: newspaper busi· "What? No! ... Are you fuckin' kidding?" I asked, sur knife, and slashed her throat, giving her a passage to ness, you wouldn't understand--" prised by his sudden offer. breath." "Kiss me" "She likes you, Fisher... you can't deny that." "Uh ... that's great," I muttered, vaguely disturbed. "All right" I smiled to myself, pausing to think. There was no "What happened. to the cat?" I kissed her deeply on the lips, and we traded tongues. And then when we took our own back from way in hell I'd ever marry Caroline Mulroney, but I "Kitty? Oh ... she died." Mulroney replied. "She got each other, and fell apart, I said: "Let's get out of here, I didn't want to offend him with my answer. infected: I'd been using the knife to gouge a cyst out of know a back entrance," and we started moving towards "Brian," I began slowly, ''I'll admit your daughter's a my chin earlier that day, and it was caked with dirty the men's washroom. hardcore babe ... and I dig it, that she walks like a man, blood ... " agressive-like ... but --" "Oh, that's horrible, man ... That'sfuckin' horrible ... " I "Fisher! The men's washroom? I'm not tl1at type of "It just wouldn't work.. .l dig it, that when I'm around said, slapping my hand to my face, to cover my eyes. girl!" she said, suddenly pouting. your house, she gets all nervous, and turns into a spaz, "But at least you have the common decency not to speak "No, you don't understand," I said, taking her purse walking into walls, tripping over a crack in the pave like that in public ... " from her. "Brian Mulroney's waiting for me just outside ment ... and that she goes all shy, not saying shit even the front door, but if I leave now, he's the only one who when her mouth is full of it... but... no, it just wouldn't And we drove on, looking endlessly for doughnuts: work." we drove for so long, the driver wanted to stop, so we has to go to jail... " "Besides," I finished, after a pause, "why are you so started shoving $20 bills through the crack in the glass I swung her purse in an arc, and smashed the quick to mix our bloodlines, anyways?" partition, one every 15 minutes, and this kept her quiet... washroom window. And we drove on ... At our 15th doughnut shop, Brian waited in the limo "All right," I told her, dropping the purse, and making as I went in to purchase all of the doughnuts, and some a eat's cradle with my hands, "Get your ass up and Screech! coffee: and as I stood in line to place my order, who out .. we've got to move fast!" The limo slid t6 a halt just before a stoplight on Bank should I see come walking out of the women's She stepped into my knitted hands, and I lifted her Street washroom but old what's-her-name, the raven-haired girl towards the window ...and she brushed away the shards of "See that man over there, the one with the scars on from Queen's, the woman I'd split a taxi with. glass, and wiggled her way outside. . his face? We should hire a man like that, to protect our "Fisher!" I threw her shoes and purse out the window behind village," Brian said, pointing over at a gentleman leaning Oh, Jesus! I thought. Keep quiet and maybe she her. And then I hauled myself up, and, with a maximum up against a bus shelter, oblivious to the limo parked in won't see you. of difficulty, inched my way through the hole in the front of him. Again: "Fisher! What are you doing here?'' she: ex wall...and then we were sprinting down along the nar· "No ... we should be looking for the man that gave him claimed loudly. row, cobble-stone alleyway, (her in nylon:stocking those scars," I shot down Brian's suggestion, "but fear She was wearing her black leather Queen's Univer barefeet), into the night, and away from the Prime Minis· not, we will find our seven," I consoled him. sity commerce jacket; a black, one-piece mini-skirt; a sil- ter of Canada. The light turned green. And we drove on ... In which Fisher Sheffield Triumphantly Returns to Chimo Hotel, Gives a Flour Bath to the Frisky We drove on ... Vunderstruck, Gets Dumped by Paulina, and The car phone rang. Stomped Half to Death by a Gang of Brian picked it up. Cab Drivers "Hello? ... Yes ... Yes, George, he is here ... " PART FOUR Brian handed me the phone. It was 11:45 PM. jumped up on my back, and I staggered, "Who is it?" I whispered to Brian: I was drunk, and "What are we going to do now?" the girl asked me, as weight, into the room ...and finally crashed into the really didn't feel like taking any calls: "Paulina?" I we sat squatting on the curb, pitching dimes i.1to the gut "Oh, Fisher, Fisher," Joyce moaned as she kissed managed to ask, though. ter. shoulder of the jacket where Brian had shot me, "Y "It's the President.." "I dunno... by the way, what's your name?" I asked. so weird, you understand me, I know you hear the I grabbed Brian, enraged. "The President of what?" I "Joyce," she said, quite simply. music as I do--" snarled, "The President of Brazil? The President of Oh Jesus! I thought "Jesus, lady!" I shouted. "I don't even fuckin' Pepsi-Cola? .. .! know a lot of Presidents ... which one is it you!" I pushed her off of me. "Let's get some room this time?" I growled in his face, grabbing Brian's jacket Her skirt swaying side-to-side, my dinner jacket flut- vice and sit and eat and talk for awhile, before we and pulling his face to within an inch of mine. tering in the light breeze, we walked around for a to do anything--'' "It's George Cohon ... he's calling from Moscow." while .•. but not for long, as an idea suddenly hit me. I rolled off the bed and carne up on my feet I took the phone. "Oh," I said, "he must want my ad "I know I" I exclaimed. "Let's go to the Chimo the night stand. Before Joyce could grab me "l>"Jl'~ "• vice on the new McDonald's franchises they're opening Hotel...the manager there personally knows me, as last;===------==:;;;;...~==...;.;...-~:.:.::..=----...-.:...;::::; up over there ... " time I was in town, I sent the room service comments Brian slumped back in his seat, visibly shaken. card back downstairs with all these complaints about And we drove on .... giant rats, and monster cockroaches, and inch-thick dust--" We drove on: with the sunroof open and the rock n'roll just-a blastin', we went over to John Crosbie's Ot And so we made our way to the Chimo Hotel, and tawa residence, and, with an electric chainsaw, cut down they did indeed give us a place to stay ... but only because all of the trees in his front yard ... we called Sheila Copps, Joyce used her credit card to pick up the bill. and left dirty messages on her answering machine ... we On our way up to our room, in the deserted elevator, drove to Audrey McLaughlin's, broke into her apart Joyce was. all over me ... she was defmitely frisky, but I ment, and made long-distance phone calls to China and kept pushing her off, brushing her away: I was thinking South Africa ... we went to Michel Gratton's, and severed about Paulina. the natural gas pipeline in his backyard ... and then, for no As we pulled up to the 16th floor, Joyce, with her good reason at all, Brian began to punch me: in the face, arms wrapped around my chest from behind and smiling in the stomach, on my shoulder, on my thigh. mischievously, asked me: "Why did you abandon the "Cut it out, Brian," I told him, "You know that you Prime Minister?" can't hurt me." "I don't know," I said slowly. "He was as normal as But for a good fifteen minutes, he just kCJ . .> n punch he's ever been yesterday at lunch, but last night was a ing me. Like some little kid who just doesn't Lnow when full moon, which always leaves him kind of weak the to stop, he just kept smacking me in. the mc;uth, across next morning .. .! guess it was because he wasn't paying the forehead, in the belly ... but each time that he hit me, me any attention: I came all the way to Ottawa to be with he just mack me stronger. her, and she's running all over her building like the Until I eventually got tired of the game, and, turning proverbial chicken, and acting like I'm no priority... " to Brian, give him a sharp, quick, viscious little stabbing punch to the throat. T:EIUR..SI>.A. Y"• .J.A.r-J-.:..J.A.R..Y" 30. 199:2. THE C<>R.I> SAVAGERY AND SORROW IN FAT CITY picked up the telephone, and dialled the front desk. ended up doing trick dives for the janitorial ~taff at 3:34 have that story to write -- Jesus!" I stopped following This cooled Joyce down ...and as she bounced off the in the morning, but into the shallow end of the pool, be Paulina along the Chima's front driveway, having re opposite side of the bed and moved towards the window, cause I didn't want to get stomach cramps and drown. membered that Joyce had my story, all 20 000 words of preening by the moonlight, I stood up and began pacing it, inside my jacket pocket, on my tape recorder! between the beds, talking to room service. The next morning I woke up in bed beside I darted my head around, looking for a sign of "Room service." Joyce ... and she was just lying there on her side, watching Joyce... but when I fully realized that she was gone "Yeah," I muttered, "this is Mr. Kankunnen in room me breath, like some sort of predatory animal, and it forever, I ran to catch up to Paulina... who was standing 1610 ... that's right, Mr. Kyle Kankunnen, with Ms. scared the hell out of me! where the driveway met the road, yelling: Vunderstruck ... we'd like to place an order." "Taxi!" "I'm sorry, but the kitchen closed down 15 minutes And then at two minutes before the check-out dead- "Please, Paulina, take me back! Take me with you!" I ago," a calm voice responded. . line, Joyce and I strolled out of the hotel; her in my begged her, as two separate taxiis both started to move white, double-breasted dinne.r jacket, and I wrapped up along the line in front of the Chimo, and come towards in her black leather coat; and we were both .smiling and us. laughing, and the sun was shining ... until we ran into "No, Fishcr... it's over," she repeated sadly, but only Paulina. as if it was a forced speech she was determined to recite, as she got into her taxi. She looked mad. "Uh ... how are ya?" I fumbled for ... and as the second taxi pulled up in front of me, who words. And then guiltily: "How did you find me?" should be behind the wheel, other than that angry little "Mr. Mulroney called to say goodbye and thanks for French-Canadian cab driver, who I had stiffed for over all your help and to never call him again, and I deduced $30 two and a half days earlier. that you were no longer with him--" "Uh ... that's right...we ... got separated last night--" He recognized me: and that's all you need to know. "I figured that you'd be at the Chimo: who's this?" He jumped out of his taxi, and grabbed me, as I was Paulina asked, furiously pointing at Joyce. paralyzed with surprise, and couldn't move. "Uh ... uh ... " I stumbled for an explanation, "This is And then he savagely started to beat the shit out of the cigarette girl. l...met her in the lobby?" me ... and it might have been a fair fight, (as r ·1m trained "I see: and why are you wearing each others' in dim mak, the death touch), but just then a:! of his cab clothes?" Paulina boiled. bie buddies abandoned their cars, and came over to join "Uh ... she fell down ... so I offered her my jacket--" the stomp circle. "Save it, Fisher: I'm not that stupid ... do you have any It was horrible ... they were screaming and cursing idea what it feels like to find you with another away in French, kicking the crap out of me, stomping on woman ... and here of all places: this is where you brought my chest, legs, and hands ... and then as quickly as it be me, the first time-," gan, it was all over; and they went back to their cars, and "Fisher, sweetheart," Joyce asked, finally interrupt drove away, and I passed out from the pain, and the ing, and pouting again, "Who's this?" physical exhaustion of my lifestyle. "Uh .. Joyce Vunderstruck, this is Paulina Perestroika, my ex-girlfriend... Paulina, this is Joyce." Excerpt from WHIRLPOOL LOVE: The Fall of Prime At this, Paulina exploded! and launched into a long "Listen, you little freak!" I howled. "I need two club Minister M. Brian Mulroney house sandwichs ... a bottle of Southern Comfc •rl..." I was harangue on love, and respect, and trust, and honesty, pacing furiously now, almost marching in the lane be and stability, and my deep personal shortcomings in all But as Brian Mulroney would understand, eventually tween the beds, and thinking, " ... three 50-pound bags of ofthese-- I grew tired of Jill: sure, the sex was still masterful, and Salerno flour ... a case of mandarin oranges... some com "Hey, honey!" I finally interjected. "What was I sup she was different from anybody else I'd ever met, but it flakes, with milk .. .five 2 L pails of mashed potatoes ... a posed to do? Brian needed me the other day--" was not my kind of different, and by Wednesday six-pack of ov ... a tank of oxygen ... a dozen roses--" "I don't deny you that--" afternoon, I hated having her around. "I can't get you the OV," the scared voice at the other "And you were treating me like shit in fronrof your end of the line said, "but will there be anything else?" friends! Just like the old days!--" I woke up Sunday night in a river of my own blood "Yeah ... go into the gift shop and pick up every minia "They're my friends--" and drool, with a newspaper swirling in the wind above ture Canadian flag that you can find ... and put this all on "They're fuckin' weirdos!" I howled. "Pedophiles my head ... so I reached up feebly and grabbed the Ottawa Ms. Vunderstruck's tab ... " I muttered. and anorexics and junkies!--" SUN, and read that late Saturday night, Brian Mulroney "Big talk from a man who thinks he's a vampire--" had appointed a horse to the Canadian Senate ... and when When I got off the phone, Joyce was all over me "Hey, baby, you know that's just a joke about my I tried to decide if he'd taken my advice, or if he'd really again. professional habit of composing copy at 4:00 in the gone insane, I couldn't tell (and they say that to this day, "Fisher, baby, let's push these two begs together, and morning-" even his closest friends don't know ... ) romp!" she said excitedly. · "My friends mean a lot to me--" Eventually I picked myself up, and started lurching I was keeping her at arm's length, but then I looked "Don't talk like that, Paulina .. J know you, remem over towards the St Laurent shopping mall, just across into her eyes, and finally just sighed: ber? .. you've always treated your friends like other from the strip-mall and five-lane superhighway in front "All right. .. tell you what you go into the bathroom, women drop their clothes around the floors of their of the Chimo.. .I'd lost them all, I reflected, the love of get out of that dress, get into the tub (but don't tum on rooms ... " Paulina, the respect of the Prime Minister, the lust of the water!), close your eyes, and I'll join you in 10 Paulina said nothing, biting her tongue visciously Joyce, my story, my wallet, my press badge.. .! was minutes--" "Look, Paulina, my point is, when I first met you, coughing up blood, my spine felt fused, and my nose was "Kinky!" she happily approved. you were hanging around with assholes, going to the broken for the sixth time in two years ... same fucldn' bar four nights a week, never doing any Joyce had my tape recorder, but I had her credit Nine minutes later the bellboy from downstairs had thing different -- and then you rode with .. 1e, and I cards, and that bitch was going to pay for my flight wheeled up everything I'd ordered over the phone... so changed your style -- and now I come back. •u Ottawa, home... after I gave him a huge tip ("If it hurts, don't do it", ha and you've fallen back into that old routine! L :~ e nothing I had to get back, to Kitchener-Waterloo, to where ha!), I ripped open the first bag of flour, and, after duck between you and me ever happened! like I h;,d no effect the streets are straight, and all run down-hill, and al ing my head into the bathroom and asking Joyce if she on you! and five years from now I'll come ba, k, and the though are sometimes covcH~d with glass from broken still had her eyes shut, brought the bag of flour into the entourage will be changed, but you'll still be doing the beer bottles, are often wet when I walk along them at washroom ... same fuckin' pointless things, still going to the same 3:34 in the morning ... and where sleazy tales like this are "Don't move an inch, honey," I told the naked Joyce; fucldn' places! -- when are you going to change? when left untold ... and where they treat you like a man, and not "You're gonna love this!" are you going to grow?--" like some sort of English-Canadian dog, just because you ... and started dumping the flour all over her body, "Oh, that's so egotistical of you, Fisher!" Paulina like to pretend you're dangerous, and try to escape into the tub. hissed, "but so goddamned typical! Always trying to without paying the bills ... "Stay still, baby ... don't make a mess .. .I can tell dominate my time--" you've never experienced a flour bath before ... " "Hey, "I'm a jealous God", and all that bit--" ONE YEAR LATER, ONE YEAR OLDER, FISHER I quickly brought the other two bags of flour into the "Fisher?" Joyce interrupted again, for the last time. SHEFFIELD PULLS THE LAST PAGE OUT OF HIS room, and dumped them all over Joyce... and she was in "I'm leaving!" I turned to look at her. "I thought you TYPEWRITER, LAUGHING AWAY TO HIMSELF ectasy. were weird, but you're not weird: you're just a normal UNTIL BUBBLES OF SNOT COME OUT OF HIS "Oh, this feels so smooth on the skin, it feels so guy: you get involved in relationships, you make com NOSTRILS, AND THINKING: good," she was babbling. mitments, you try to help your friends: you're not weird: "WELL, I STARTED OUT TRYING TO SAY "Right, honey, just like the Japanese and their mud and I'm leaving!" SOMETHING ABOUT LOVE, BUT IT TURNED OUT baths ...except this is a whole lot cleaner... you've honest Paulina and I watched in angry silence as she walked TO BE ruST ONE BIG THREE-DAY FUCKAROUND ly never done this before?" I asked. away. --WRITING THIS, THAT IS." "Never!" she screamed. "Get in here with me!" And then Paulina turned to me and solemnly . ·:!: "THIS .. .'STORY' SHOULD JUST ABOUT RUIN "I can't, Joyce ... there's only room for one in the tub- "Fisher, you've hurt me more than any other person in MY CHANCES OF EVER GOING TO OTTAWA AS " but I trailed off as I saw that she was already drifting my entire life ... you always hurt me ... you always did, and A POLITICIAN... OR OF REGAINING PAULINA'S off to sleep. you always will, what with the way you prefer going out LOVE ... OR OF EVER FILING A STORY FROM and acting strange with Dub-Dub-Dub, or drinking with MORE THAN 2 KILOMETRES A WAY FROM THE So I went and ate my clubhouses and drank my booze Ted Cruise, rather than paying any attention to me ... this CORD'S OFFICES ... " and peeled my oranges and threw a shitstorm of mashed weekend was going to be our last chance together, but all "I'M A MARKED MAN." potatoes all around the room and arranged the flags about you did was break my toe, pass out on my floor from ex AND THEN, SMIRKING: the landscape... and to top the whole night off, snorted on haustion, and run away .. .it's all over between us." "HELL, I MARKED MYSELF." the tank of oxygen to sober myself up. "Goodbye ... " That was close, I thought. Another couple of minutes "Aw, c'mon, sweetheart!" I chased after her, hopping FOR THE LOVE OF A WOMAN ... with that woman, I continued, and we would have had a frantically up and down beside her as she walked away, BRIAN MULRONEY WOULD UNDERSTAND ... genuine nervous meltdown ... "I didn't mean those things .. .if that little fuck Mulroney And then I tried to get some sleep, but after tossing hadn't dragged me back into his sick life, I would have SAVAGERY AND SORROW IN FAT CITY PARTS 1 and turning in the bed for a few minutes, decided to go spent the whole weekend with you ... hell, I may never THROUGH 4 Copyright 1991 Terry Grogan, June 29 - downstairs and break into the pool for a short swim ... and have gone back to Kitchener-Waterloo ... and if I didn't July 1, 1991. Artwork copyright 1991 Todd Secord. THE BOOKSTORE IS PROUD TO PRESENT AREFLECTION ON WHAT IT MEANS TO BE ACANADIAN A. 0\Sl\NGU\SHED PANEL OF GUESTS\ lNCLUDlNG ~ · MAUDE BARLOW WILL BE DISCUSSING A ~ CELEBRAT.ION OF CANADA: WHAT WE CHERISH, HOW TO KEEP OUR VALUES. AND . SECURE OUR FUTURE. * CANADA'S FUTURE IS OURS READ NEXT WEEK'S CORD FOR DETAILS 1> ·~:\,.~ . :·:~:. -· .;: ·: . ,.. ·.- .. ..·.·. . ..·. ' , , ' _fautiet i UiLCLan i etwoJ Chris Skalkos fingers, closes his eyes, and music scene on campus. The club cal background including their members get a chance to meet Cord Entertainment presses "play". is for anyone with musical inter choice of instrument and their and play with other musicians in ests, regardless of their experi band status. All members have a comfortable setting, supporting Sleep deprivation resulting The Musician's Network Club ence. access to the files and use them off and on-campus gigs by club from various academic and social was formed last year under the members and most important stresses is far from uncommon presidency of Laurier graduate ly ... producing an independent al among Laurier students. But for Jason Love, who fought an uphill bum. Mike Werner, president of The battle in re-establishing the live Producing an album, how Musician's Network Club, the music scene here on campus, ever, is not as easy as tuning a reason behind his inability to get since releasing the club's ftrst in _guitar. Last year's Album Project a good night's sleep within the dependent cassette Campus was a recording nightmare, last four months is the cassette Grown Volume I last year. The in the palm of his hand. plagued by rushed deadlines, club was originally expecting .studio equipment glitches and in The Digital A~dio Cassette four to six bands to participate in tense pressure resulting from in that Werner stares at is the final this year's Campus Grown pro product of eight local bands ject Instead they ended up with experienced recording artists meeting eight weeks of pressured eight different recording artists, trying to get a perfect track down deadlines, while personal rela the maximum allowed on the pro in the frrst take. The result was a tionships, school academics - ject. finished product that made every and above all -- sleep, were put "We didn't realize how many one involved wish they had one on the back burner. For the sec bands on campus wanted to par more chance to do it over again. ond year in a row The Musician's ticipate" said Steve Halvarson, This year they got their Network has successfully pooled executive of finance and active chance and the difference is together the talents of Laurier member of the club. "Last year enormous. musicians and embodied them we had to pull teeth to get the The current cassette is an ups into an independently released al only four bands on the cassette, caled version with better sound bum. this year they were knocking on quality, complete with a full Still in a state of disbelief our door." colour album sleeve compared to Werner slowly takes a drag of his The Network did not screen the bleak black and white insert cigarette as he places the cassette the types of music which· were of last year. into the tape deck of his stereo. entered for the project, all bands "By God I can't believe it, it The moment of judgment is here and forms of music were wel sounds like anything you get for the self-acclaimed perfec comed on a first come, first from a music store," Werner ex tionist who will listen to the tape served basis. Like the cassette, "By bringing musicians to when searching for anything from claimed. for the first time before it is offi and as their name suggests, the gether we learn off of one anoth jam partners to buying second For this, the club thanks a cially released. With the events of club is a 'network' whose main er," Werner said. A computer file hand instruments. Bands have ac larger budget and better recording the last four months flashing goal is to bring the musicians of that has been established by the tually formed due to the existence studios. Three different studios in through his mind, Werner ftrmly Laurier together in an organized club last year lists all members of the club. Other events include southern Ontario participated in clutches his cigarette between his setting in order to spur an active (currently over 100), their musi- open jam sessions where club -continued page 23 Cl-!Bi~~ pop the fj~O~ Geoff Stubgen somewhere between "Roller solo, leaving the crowd in awe. crophone proved this to be to the everything together. Around Cord Entertainment Coaster" and "Paralyzed", two From that moment it was a dif contrary. 11:15, the Thunderbirds took a songs ·from their new album ferent show. Although the voCal Newly acquired guitarists short, twenty minute break during Walk That Walk, Talk That levels had seemed at frrst to have Duke Robillard and Kid Bang which, rather than racing for the Twenty-five bucks. That's Talk, lead-singer Kim Wilson been mixed too low, Wilson's ham came alive as well. The seclusion of their dressing room, how much I had to pay to see the broke into a blazing harmonica renewed vocal assault on the mi- question of whether these two they remained in the bar properly Fabulous Thunderbirds at Pop the could replace recently departed drinking beer and mingling with Gator in Kitchener on Friday guitar wizard Jimmy Vaughaun the crowd. night. I wasn't happy about it was undeniably put to rest by Returning to the stage, they when a friend told me over the their display. Robillard, sporting played nearly to the stroke of one, phone how much of my hard black shades and suit, was playing two encores, the first earned cash he had spent on the phenomenal, drawing the crowd's being their hit song "Tough tickets. I really wasn't happy raving approval several times Enough", and the second an in about it when I had to stand out during each solo. Meanwhile, credile blues jam between side in the freezing cold for half Bangham, he of the Buster guitarists Robillard and Bangham an hour just to get a seat against Poindexter pompadour and Stray with Kim Wilson playing the back wall. I had all but writ Cat-like attire, though good on harmonica and drums. ten off the cash as a total loss by the rare occasions that he did The Fabulous Thunderbirds the time they took the stage short solo, missed several more solo are a "Must See" live band. It was ly after 9 o'clock. cues from his band-mates as he a lot of cash, but given the choice The opening of the first set was busy hitting on two women between seeing the T-Birds in was typical bar band fare; good, in the front row. some cruddy, dilapitated, old solid rock'n roll, but rather dull Through all this, bassist hockey arena or seeing them in ' and uninspiring. Definitely not Preston Hubbard and drummer the warmth and intimacy of a worth $25. I had all but given up Fran Christina laid down a strong, blues club like the Gator.~ltiere's on the Fabulous T -Birds, but though uninspiring, rythm to hold no contest. THE CORD SCENE Jim DesRoches tant as electricity. Almost called "U2" which featured Casey System One's CD called From release are from the Oliver Stone Cord Entertainment The most popular thing to do Casem bitching about none other Psychedellics to Cybernetics film Platoon. The Orb made a is to take someone with a distinc than the band U2. He says "these presents a Timothy Leary lecture splash on CFNY with his track tive voice and set it somewhere in guys are from England and no set to spiffy electronic music. "Little Fluffy Clouds" featuring What do Margaret Thatcher the song. Psychic Television are body gives a shit." Negativeland What is he talking about? Well, (if I remember correctly) Rickie and Elvis have in common? How past masters of this sort of thing. plays "I still haven't found what any reality is an opinion, and his Lee Jones and a host of others. about Mr. Rogers and Timothy They sample Elvis as he says, "I I'm looking for" ori kazoos or brain has been through a lot. Even Prince did it, sampling Jack Leary? This isn't a trick question. love life." Mr. Rogers confides, "I something in the background. What else is new? It seems that Nicholson for the "Bat Dance", They all belong to the growing like to talk with you ... you"re very Listening to Casem 's show will he has abandoned drugs for com but that was different. He proba list of people who h.ave been special to me .. .I like it with never be the same again, but the puter generated virtual reality. bly had permission. track was only funny a couple of This is my favourite at the mo There may come a day when times. The "B" side features ment. it will be more interesting to track Casey attempting to do a "fucking There are plenty or other down the sources of a song than it death dedication" for Suggles the bands out there doing this sort of will be to just listen to it If that dog-a must buy fur anyone into thing. Ministry seems to have happens, I'll be the first to trash novelty records, but hard to find done the first theme album of this my stereo. For now, this is a very thege days because the N-boys type. All the samples on the interesting development in music, were threatened with a lawsuit. It Land of Rape and Honey and well worth looking into. seems BONO VOX was a little angry about it. That isn't surpris- ing. Rumour has it that HMV was selling the record as a brand U2 single. Other notable people in the 1960 * Liverpool beat group, The Silver Beatles are voice appropriation end of music touring Scotland as Johny Gentle's backing band. these days are Vim and System One. Vim, a little known and hard 1970 * David Bowie married Cyprus-born model Angela Barnett to find band, taped a lot of at London's Register Office. The Wedding began an hour and Margaret Thatcher speeches and a half late because the two-some had overslept pumped them through a sampler. Unlike Negativeland, they twist 1980 * Ray Davies, Leader of The Kinks, was arrested in Portland, sampled, their voices tom out of you ... " And this is only their her words all out of proportion. Oregon during their U.S. tour-he was accused of hiring context and set to music. Marlon latest project, the west acid They had to. She doesn't make a limousines and checking in and out of hotels without paying. Brando may earn a spot in the Ultrahouse album. On other al fool of herself like that without The dirty work was actually perpetrated by a look-alike Rock and Roll Hall of Fame yet bums they featured Marlon · lots of assistance. The result is living it up under Ray's name. The digital sampler was Brando in his wacko Colonel "Maggie's Last Party" where she devised some time in the past. Kurtz role. Great as they are, raps out her version of the STAR QUOTE Who knows when? Who has time PTV have not made the biggest ultimate party -- an acid party. It for history? Since then, it has splash. seems there's a lot of acid follow "Rock is very squalid, impersonal and degrading; an egocentric gained in prominence, and for Negativeland did that when ing through this weird musical circus full of people who aren't really human beings ... " some bands, it is almost as impor- they released a 12 inch single culdesac. -AdamAnt and other shades of red are now on special, If it's red, or has red in it, you receive 20% OFF Drop off ballet to Casey's in Waterloo the regular price at Purple & Gold. With this saving you can remember all your before MARCH 31 , 1992 & Ual ntines Be sure to take advantage of this aLEE Custom Em~r~~Casey's Waterloo·. Jean Jacket worth $85.00 *Remember he~ very athletic, debonair, suave Out-red-!!eous and the ultimate party animal!! Special (not to be combined with other ------_-.- .---:_--,·.··.·.···-:··. specials}. In effect until ~~ DO~RS :: : · ·· · · ···•·•······• Februar)' 14 1bi; CtrtifiC!Ie Clltifka the bcar!r to FIVE 00~ at your favorite off campus store tovanls the Jllrebaae ci any C!.sey's tnem1 iilm. Akmolic bevtlli#S art ll!t indudli No cash ~ ()le $5.00 coupon per !able per ~Bit Not rolid with any ltbr:r proDXItim or lruixh. 183 Weber st. N. IM:Jterloo c Expiry Dcrte March 31. 1991 of Purple & Gold be got Corner of King & University - across from AC inst SCENE Clhu:adi, th'tf-adi, 'thu,adi To Be Scene Tony Chartrand-Burke The Result are among the new wave of bands, NOW UN'llJ.... i"~BRUARY 21 Cord Entertainment like label-mates Strange Days, to release the tech Gallery Exhibit: "Seeking Heaven", an exhibit of paintings by local nologically superior compact disc over the more artist Ada K. Hunsberger. common vehicle of independent music, the cassette. JANUARY30 Two local bands, Idiot Savant and The Result, The result (ahem) is better quality and more music. Holly Cole at the Humanities Theatre. Doors open at 7:30 pm. though they've yet meet, are drawn together by to "Essentially this disc will have 12 to 15 songs on $12.84 for Feds. $14.98 for everybody else. Music at Noon: very common threads: it," Flitton says, "and it will sound like 12 to 15 dif Penderecki Quartet: Piotr Buczek, violin, Jerzy Kaplanek, violin, Thread number one: they should be of particular ferent bands. Each song has a different identity and Yariv Aloni, viola, and Paul Pulford, violoncello. interest to Laurier students as both bands feature FEBRUARY2 Laurier alumni. The Result is led by former WLU explores different emotional and musical contexts." As recording with The Result wraps up, The Faculty of Music presents The Penderecki String Quartet in a Arts student now teacher Dave Flitton, with drum special community concert at 8 pm. in the Recital Hall, John Aird McCrossan will have another band to produce. You mer Mark Lehman and bassist Mike Pond. Idiot Centre. Reception to follow. Tickets are free for the WLU com guessed it, Idiot Savant. Threads, threads, Savant enjoys a membership full of Laurier grads: munity but must be reserved with the Faculty of Music (ext. 2150). threads. Drew Ness, bass player and guru; Andrew Tibbetts, Ticket prices are $12.00 for adults and $8 for seniors. vocals; Dale Hancocks, guitar; Geralyn Miller, "Idiot Savant has been a struggle to get together FEBRUARY 5 THROUGH FEBRUARY 8 viola and keyboards; and Tony Bender on drums. in recent years," Ness says. Conflicting commit The Fass Theatre Company will present Ain't Myth-Behavin' at the Thread number two: they are both appearing this ments from different band members have kept the Humanities Theatre. Two shows on Friday at 7 and 9 pm. Other Thursday night at a special showcase concert at five musicians apart except for rare occasions. Ness shows start at 8 pm. Tickets $5.50. Maryhill's Commercial Tavern as winners of the and drummer Bender remained involved playing FEBRUARY6 CKWR-FM Kollective Eye Independent Musicians live music in various projects including Fred Hale's Music at Noon: WLU Faculty of Music Composers. Kontest. Black Water Draw. The adoption of new keyboard FEBRUARY7 Thread number three: neither of the bands enter player Geralyn Miller has helped bring the group The Renaissance Singers presents An Evening with Messrs. Gilbert ed the competition. Idiot Savant's Drew Ness together again and has given them new verve. "The and Sullivan. 8 pm in the Walper Terrace Hotel, Kitchener, in the received a call from Sound on Sound Recording's time is now", Ness proclaims. Crystal Ballroom. Tickets $10.00 each. Nelson McCrossan. The producer had recorded a The band will be experimenting with new com FEBRUARY 10 song for them earlier in the year which reached the posing and arranging techniques and hopes to fash The Centre in the Square presents a production of Puccini's Tosca by final cut in the CFNY Modem Rock Compilation. ion a unique sound for the band that strays from the New York City Opera. "Nelson entered the song, 'Christians', in the Kol their previous "goofy" image. Look for an Idiot FEBRUARY14 lective Eye Kontest," Ness says, "then phoned us up Savant album by the end of summer. Twin Cities Travel and Adventure Series travels to Wales. the next day to ask if it was okay". The story rings Split hairs. The musical styles of the two bands Humanities Theatre. Tickets available at the door. $5.00 for adults, about the same for The Result. are disimilar but they are alike in their originality, $4.00 for seniors, $3.00 for children. McCrossan, you see, is also producing The enthusiasm, and talent. They're damn good too. As FEBRUARY 15 Result's new debut CD. Thread number four. The Idiot Savant works to stretch their horizons and The UW Drama presents Dead Serious at 8 pm in the Humanities Victoria Street studio of S.O.S. Records has been Result emerges from the studio to play more gigs in Theatre. $22.00 for adults and $19.50 for students and seniors. the home of the K-W band since September 1990 as the area (and possibly at Laurier itself), more UNTIL APRIL 1992 they worked sporadically on the album. Guitarist chances should arise to see these two groups play. Bruce Bond, Laurier's poet-in-residence, will be holding weekly Dave Flitton is confident that it will be available But effort should be made to catch them at the poetry workshops in the English Lounge, CTB Room 2-302. Wed very soon. "We're just doing the last-- yes, the last Commercial particularly since proceeds from the nesdays at 4 pm.- -- of the tracks now and making the decisions as to concert go to the ROOF shelter and the Native order of songs and finalising the artwork, packag Resource Centre. A fine opportunity to support lo MUSIC AT NOON: Every Tuesday and Thursday at noon, the stu ing, etc .. We're confident, though, that we'll have a cal talent and worthwhile charities. What more dents and staff of Lhe Faculty of Music present free concerts in the March/April release." could you ask for? Recital Hall in the Aird Centre. Laurier ~two aontlnUL -ri-llS VVEEK continued from page 21 and it was, the wrong car. Even that the project, and the club, will MONDAY seasoned executives are allowed mixing the master copy, with ultimately be successful because to feel the paranoia involved with "we all have an intensive belief in February 3 each band controlling their own Art Exhibit studio time. producing an album. what we're doing," and to him The cassette itself not only and the rest of the club, that's Laurier Art Gallery This year's project, however, "Seeking Heaven"- Pamtings was not without its challenges. features the musicianship of our what it's all about. by Ada Hunsberger Production costs exceeded ex local talent, it offers a wide vari 10:00 a.m. -7:00p.m weekdays pectations and funding was tight. ety of music for a diverse * * * * * * * * * * Free Admission The bands contributed a audience. Musical styles range refundable amount of money but from rock, blues and acoustical And so, after the last note has Continues to February 14. since it was so close to Christmas solos to alternative compositions stopped ringing in his ears, it was a huge sacrifice. "Wilfrid and acappella tracks. From Werner eases the grip on the WEDNESDAY Laurier University Student's mainstream to the down-right crushed cigarette that has burnt February 5 Union (WLUSU) also contributed strange, this cassette has some out long ago. He opens his eyes Poetry Reading & Workshop a very generous loan/grant to the thing for everyone and must be and breathes a long sigh of relief with Bruce Bond, Poet-in-residence, WLU club," said Ian Torres, Promotion heard. The University's surround before pressing the stop button on and Greg Cook, Writer-in-Residence, UW ing community is also supportive executive for the club. his tape deck. It's late, but as he 4:00p.m Rm. 2-302, CTB of the club's plight as HMV "Not too many people know retires for the evening he un Free Admission that they (WLUSU) are out there 'music store is shelving the cas leashes an uncharacteristic sette and local radio station to help Laurier clubs like they smile... for the first time, in a CKMS is giving the cassette air THURSDAY helped us and we're really thank very long time, W cmer will get a play this Saturday during their February 6 ful for it," Torres added. good night's sleep Organizational problems also Campus Grown Album Release Music at Noon had to be overcome by this year's Party. WLU Faculty of Music Composers executives, who are mostly one In addition to harnessing the 12:00 p.m Aird Recital Hall year-wiser carry-overs from last talents of Laurier students and SUN & FUN · Free Admission year. What do you do, for exam providing club benefits, the cas ple, when one of your bands has a sette is a springboard for many OUAREAU, girls' private SL:\DAY 'bands and individual artists who camp In Laurentlans, Is hiring change of heart and can't make February 9 can't afford the cost an indepen Counselling/Sports Staff, Unit their studio time? Within WLU Symphony Orchestra dent release can bring. directors, ESL, Kitchen staff, minutes a replacement band was It's an overwhelming struggle Swim, sail, canoe, windsurf, Paul Pulford - Conductor found through the network to ftll for new artists (especially stu tennis, crafts, etc. 3:00p.m Aird Recital Hall the last band's allotted fifteen dents) to be recognized. Accord BILINGUAL PROGRAM Admission: Adults - $6.00, Seruors - $3.00 minute space on the album. ing to Torres the cassette will Great English/French Students/Special-Needs Persons Free What do you do when every prove that "talent (here on experience car you see stranded on the side campus) goes beyond the football Send resume: Madelene Allen of the highway looks like it team." 29 Summer St. For Information Call belongs to the band member that Even though it's too early to Lennoxvllle, Que., J1M 1G4 got stuck with transporting all the know just how far down the road tel/fax:819-562-9641 884-197 0 Ext. 2800 instruments? Pray that you saw, the cassette will go, Werner feels THE CORD SCENE Roxanne Chartrand-Burke the same time creating an illusion entities, into two beings sharing a movements, to awaken his or her stage, they performed a strong Cord Entertainment of mechanical uniformity. common bond, and would then companions. The cycle went on and energetic dance sequence and Once rid of the chairs, they return to two completely separate until all the dancers appeared to ended their performance witb A handful of modern, a continued, throughout the whole forms demonstrating the vul have exhausted themselves; how such strength that you could n~M tablespovn of jazz, a pinch of bal first sequence of the perform:> nee, nerability of people in rela ever, the strength of the move help but to gaze in ~ , ,,e . let, and a "whole Iotta" talent are to jump and sway, sometimes at tionships, new and old. ments always betrayed them and Even though the show lacked ingredients you will find in a the same time, in interesting and Rise and Fall was a sequence this particular sequence nodded company of dancers called Les off to a strong finish. the powerful emotional per Ballets Jazz. Last Monday, at The The final sequence, formance showcased the last t.irre Centre In The Square, this Recontres, incorporated two I saw them -- they performed a Montreal based company dazzled forms of art on the stage. The riveting tribute to Janis Joplin the audience with their strength dancers performed a very inter the charisma of certain dancea and agility. esting jazz piece to a live musical managed to override the lack of The performance as a whole trio in the background. Trio Fran emotional depth of the company was very strong and ambitious. cois Bourassa provided the dan as a whole. The dancers flowed gracefully cers with an outlet for their This young and vibrant com from one movement to another, enthusiasm and thus permitted pany of dancers, under the direc as well as from one performance them to explode onto the stage in tion of Genevieve Salbaing, will to another. They worked well to sudden bursts of energy. The dan definitely continue to work gether and used each other's cers leaped on and off the stage, wonders in fusing modem, jazz, strengths to present a united and •1111~4~ each setting new heights for the and ballet dance into a contorted energetic whole to the audience. next dancer sweeping across the whole. Their next performance in Their constant ability to mes stage. Needless to say, the per Kitchener or Toronto should not merize the audience never failed formers created quite an impres be missed by any aspiring mod once and although there was a sion on the audience with this em dancers. Les Ballets Jazz will definite lack of emotional powerful piece. The ending was hopefully continue to attract the presentation from some of the most breathless of all. Once all fine talent they now have present dancers, the evening was a suc the dancers found themselves on in their company. Bravo! .cess. The costuming and the set were simple and that contributed to the lasting impression the com "Write for your pany created. Their extraordinary dance abilities were never buried SCENE under a busy set and costume de unique dance patterns. The bench~~'at carried much less depth, but if you listen to music, sign. in Bad Blood was used in a much •A.Iill managed to present to the However, their technical less noticeable manner, but creat- ~ audience the unbelievable artistic watch movies, or care abilities always managed to mes ed a base from which the dancers capacity the dancers possessed. In merize me. In two of the per walked away and to which they this piece, the dancers moved about your life, call Dave formances, Musical Chairs and always returned as though it was from a state of sleepiness and Bad Blood, they used chairs and a the centre of their being. In this laziness to a state of wanting to at 884-2990, or attend bench as props. In the first, they sequence, the dancers would pair pull ~e others o~t ~f _that same played musical chairs in a manner off and dance to music by Laurie sleepmess. Each mdtvtdual dan Friday's meeting at 2:30 that would confuse any ten year Anderson. The pairs of dancers cer expressed bursts of energy old player of the game while at would evolve from two separate and attempted, through vibrant in the Cord office. -4·· WORLD AND INTO THE PARALLEL UNIVERSE. STOP IN AND CHECK OUT OUR ASSORTMENT • OF NEW AND USED RECORDS, TAPES, CDS; POSTERS, MAGS, T-SHIRTS & MORE. Good Friend5, Great Time5 Every Till)e!" 146 KING ST. W .• KITCHENER OPEN 10 • 10 MON . - SAT. TELEPHONE 519-743-8315 FREE Buffet at BAR 4-9pm FRI. Pasta Bar... 11am-2pm $6.95 94 Bridgeport Rd.E. Waterloo ,( 725-9999 tl ; lawks su~vive two ·close athes by Geoff Thureson from remaining in the Laurier end body there to collect the rebound. the York end and keeping it there. killing, skating, passing, and basi Cord Sports for very long. In fact, the puck A great Laurier 3 on 2 missed the A powerplay early in the third led cally just teaching them a lesson seemed to remain in the York end net. It looked like the Hawks to a faceoff in the York zone. in the game. for extended periods of time, but sticks were cursed, or the York After winning the draw, the Hawks goaltender Pracey Laurier played host to two it just seemed like it would not go net was guarded by demons who Hawks got the puck back to Larry must have had a horseshoe hid visiting hockey teams last in. were determined to keep the puck "The Mad Russian" Rucchin, den somewhere, because he was weekend, and both went down to just outstanding. First he stoned a defeat at the hands of the Golden Hawks. York player on a breakaway, then made an unbelievable save on the Brock came to town on the rebound. In addition to just dis 23rd, and unfortunately this playing outstanding goaltending, reporter was unable to make it to Pracey also picked up an assist on the game, but got the highlights the game-winning goal. After a later. Brock took a 4-2 lead into great feed to Bennett, the Hawk the third period, but Laurier took the puck over the blue-line tormed back, led by two goals and just smoked the York defen by Cory "The Little Reaper" ceman. Bennett showed that he Pageau. The fmal score ended up has great hands and an even bet 54 for the Hawks. ter touch with the puck as he On Saturday, the York tucked it just under the cross bar Yeoman (another brutal hockey to win the game. name, though not as bad as their The Hawks almost made it 4- women's team's names-the 2, but Davidson just missed a Yeowomen), came to play at the backhand at the open net in the Bubble. Though they were ob dying moments of the game. Hard hits were the key to survival. riously being outclassed by the Pic: Dan Heidman Final score, Hawks 3, York 2 Hawks, York held Laurier to one goal throughout the entire first The Hawks were able to move out who sent a low shot through a HAWK. SCORERS two periods. the puck around the outside of the And so, York took a 2-1 lead crowd in front of the net and tied 1. Davidson (McCreary, Lyons) The entire Hawks team was zone at will on the power piay, into the third. The Hawkey the game up. playing well, especially the getting lots of long shots, but it Hawks came out flying in the Laurier just took the game to 2. Rucchin (Davidson, McCre'ary) lie fence, which kept the· puck seemed like there was never any- third, taking the puck directly to York, showing the great penalty- 3. Bennett (Patenall, Pracey) I I I A"'d the .Saga contitltAes ty Jeff Dragich Hawks now possess a 1-6 mark at Bunning added 12 for Laurier. set us back for the first 10 Cord Sports the halfway point in their season. On Saturday, the league minutes until we get our con The Lady Hawk basketball Last Wednesday, the Hawks leading Western Mustangs came fidence back. I can't explain why ram saw their losing streak ex travelled to St. Catharines for a to the A.C. and demonstrated we're so intimidated at the begin lrl!ded to four with two losses last game against the Brock Badgers. why they are the nation's fifth ning of the games. week to Brock and Western. The The home side came out on fire ranked team. "The two teams we played are and blitzed the Hawks, leading The Mustangs jumped out to in the better half of the league 10-0 after four minutes, and 19-4 an early 8-2 lead, but the Hawks and they're among the best with 12:30 to go in the half. battled back to trail by just 12-9 defensive teams in the league. At the intermission, the with 13 minutes left in the half. They certainly underlined what Badgers held a comfortable 43-25 But from this point on, it was all our weaknesses were, and we're lead. They were aided by 16 Western. Laurier managed just 3 going to have to solve those Laurier turnovers. points in the last 13 minutes, as puzzles. The Hawks did stage a bit of a Western led 39-12 at the half. Lindley did see a few good signs in the second half of each game. "It was nice to see that we " .. the Hawks battled back to trail by just did do some positive things in each game. In both situations, 12-9 with 13 minutes left in the half. But when we started the second half, from this point on, it was all Western" there was no pressure on the team, because the games were just about out of reach. comeback in the second half, cut The Hawks never could get "It seems that once we take ting the deficit to ten several untracked in the second half as Pic: Jen Kuntz that pressure off ourselves, be times in the last 8 minutes, but the Mustangs continued to get cause it can't get any worse, we they could get no closer. The many easy shots. The fmal score want to make any excuses, be relax and we play better." final score was 79-59 for Brock. favoured Western, 78-40. Field, cause there are no excuses for the Janice Field had a solid game Bunning and Shannon McConvey way we played. We've just had LOOSE FEATHERS: The Hawks for the Hawks, finishing with 22 share top scoring honours for the dreadful starts the last two games. travel to Guelph on Saturday for a points. She shot 3 for 4 on triples, Hawks with 9 each. "It seems like the first two or rematch with the Gryphons. Then Easy two points. and made two more three-point Laurier coach Sue Lindley three minutes of the game, we they host Waterloo on Wednes Pic: Jen Kuntz plays thanks to fouls. Tiffany talked about the games. "I don't make unforced turnovers which day at 6 p.m. at the A.C. ---~-- - SPORTS Mo~e vtps~ts the Tt-IJ_ by Rob Hums goal by Lance Lane (assisted by Ponic, had goals from Mike Eis Tim Scott had a four point night game between first place Calgary Cord Sports Chris Wilson and Brian Lauzon). ner and Cmig Nicholson. for Tampa Bay, who are now in a and second place, but undefeated, But Winnipeg shut the door on OTTAWA4 TAMPA BAY 4 three-way tie for fourth place Ottawa takes place tonight at On the heels of San Jose's re Edmonton in the third period with Ottawa took a 3-0 lead less overall with Montreal and San 11:00 at the Waterloo Bubble. markable upset of Calgary in the Forrester's third goal of the game than five minutes into the first pe Jose. The game will feature two of tbe Labatt's Tamiae Hockey League, and a final goal by team scoring riod but had to score with less ICE CHIPS league's best goalies in Frank Winnipeg, winless since the be leader Chris Fournier. All in all, than one minute remaining in the This week's Labatt's Player of Giannone and Mike Barclay, tbe ginning of the regular season, Forrester finished the night with game to salvage a 4-4 tie with the Week is Tampa Bay's Tim league's top two offences, includ pulled off an upset of their own three goals and one assist. Tampa Bay, Ottawa's third tie of Scott who has 9 points in his last ing snipers Bill Goirrley and with a 5-l victory over Ed Despite numerous scoring the season. two games to jump into second Mike Stulac, and four of the monton. Not only did Winnipeg chances throughout the season, Ken Taylor, Greg Dilworth, spot in the league scoring race, league's foremost defencemen: break their eight game losing Edmonton has been unable to Brad Carnegie, and Greg Dil one point behind Calgary's Bill Dave McGowan, Todd Campbell, streak, but they extended Ed- capitalize with only nine total worth scored for Ottawa, while Gourley ..... The much-anticipated Dave Finch, and Greg Rickwood. goals scored in nine matches. As a result, Edmonton now shares last place overall in the league with Winnipeg, and the two teams meet again next Thursday with each team looking to get out ·New aces abot1nd of the THL' s basement by Mark the Mauler he didn't mind wearing the mask as the Blue Blazer CALGARY5VANCOUVER2 Cord Sports because nobody attributed his WWF failure to the It appears that the real Cal name Owen Hart. Don't expect the Foundation to gary team showed up for this win It looks as though the WWF has a replacement experience any success too quickly, as the Beverly against a tough Vancouver team; for Ricky Steamboat. As usual, Vince McMahon Bros. are the Mauler's odds on favourite for taking the Calgary trademark of physical has been keeping up with the current popular media the WWF World Tag-Team Championship some team play was definitely present. and probably decided to attempt a cash-in on the time this year. Ed Korditsch, Brad Tubman, movie Dances WiLh Wolves. Enter Chris Chavis, a On an episode of WWF' s Prime Time last Mon· Kevin Sabourin, Rob Bobier, and true native North American who was formerly the day evening, Vince McMahon announced that the Bill Gourley scored for Calgary. South-Atlantic Wrestling Federation's champion. fans will be able to call in and vote for who they Jason Mackey and Vance Chavis' promotional segments have him on an think should receive a title shot vs. Ric Flair in Raeside replied for Vancouver in Indian reserve talking about his devotion to his Wrestlemania VIII. A possible outcome could Yes, this isn't Tamiae! their first loss of 1992. people and culture. The Mauler expects Chavis to reveal the Hulkster regaining his title and then retir QUEBEC 3 MONTREAL 2 play the typical Steamboat role: someone who gen ing with the gold. monton's own losing streak to, Quebec held onto third place erally gets picked on and receives career-ending The fans, however, are really getting sick of ironically, eight games. overall with a 3-2 win over beatings by rulebreakers. watching Hogan win the belt during the Wrest Winnipeg took a 1-0 lead in Montreal in a well-played con Another WWF newcomer is someone who is lemanias and will most likely vote for Sid Justice. the first period with a goal by · test. Ryan Trussler and Tom actually no stranger to the WWF at all. Owen Hart, This would leave Justice as the champ with Hogan Glen Forrester and extended the Seymour each had a goal and an brother of the 'Hitman', has reformed the Hart publicly announcing that Justice has officially taken lead to 3-0 in the second period assist for Quebec, while Steve Foundation with Jim 'Anvil' Neidhart. In case all his place in the WWF. But we all know the Mauler with another goal by Forrester Sproule scored his fifth of the those dropkicks, leapfrogs and bacldlips off the top could step in the ring and take the title on any given plus one from Brian Niemi. Less season. rope look familiar-you're right! Owen 'Rocket' day of the week! than two minutes later, Edmonton Montreal, playing without Hart was once the WWF's 'Blue Blazer' in 1988. Tune in next week fans for more news on the narrowed the gap to 3-1 with a team leaders Neil Chin and Mike The 'Rocket' claimed in a recent interview that mighty world of wrestling! afsTopTen in Exile Crazy 7) L 8) Hot 9) Another 1 OJ Sweet Talll ~ SPORTS Frustration Reigns- SU EME The well played, entertaining resulted in an 11-0 Laurier run. Laurier was able to cut the game started off quickly, as both "The defence couldn't have been lead to six with just over a minute teams executed very well on both much better than it was in the to play, but some poor foul shoot offence and defence. Despite second half," admitted Jeffries, as ing and Western's ability to con losing all five starters from last its success and the aggressive trol the ball and kill the clock year, Western showed that they play of Laurier's big men frus- resulted in an 87-78 Mustang vic can play disciplined basketball tory. when needed. "Western's a good Despite the loss, coach Jef team; they don't beat themselves fries was pleased with the effort. too often and they shoot very The team was lecl by Chris well," observed Laurier coach Livingstone with 21 points, as the Gary Jeffries. 6'2" point guard continues to be In order to keep pace with the Laurier's most consistent player Sweet shot man! Mustangs, the Hawks had to play game in and game out. "Living Pallin-Playing big. Pic: Jen Kuntz error-free basketball, which has stone never quits," enthused the Pic: Jen Kuntz been their biggest problem all coach "he plays 100% all the by Rob Malick year. Despite playing one of their time". better than us. It's just that we Cord Sports best halves in recent memory, the Tom Pallin, who played great stopped playing," is how assistant Hawks still trailed the Mustangs inside, contributed with 19 points coach Tom O'Brien described the Although the Laurier men's 49-39 at halftime. Little offensive and was again the leading game, and everyone else I talked basketball team does not always rebounding by Laurier and clutch rebounder. Western was led by to refused to add any more com Basket-NOTp!· . Eda Di Liso come up with positive results on outside shooting by Western's lC. guard Glen Eastland, who had 19 ments. the scoreboard, opposition teams Eastland and Lynch were key fac points including some big 3- The Hawks continue their dif can be sure to nave a tough game tors in the opening half. trated the Mustangs and made a pointers. ficult stretch of games Wednes on their hands, literally speaking. The Mustangs started strong game of it at the end. The Hawks had a game earlier day night at the A.C. against the Although the Hawks lost to West in the second half, and extended "Our big men like Thornton in the week at Brock, but the less 4-2 McMaster Marauders, and em 87-78 last Saturday at the their lead to 79-60 before Laurier and Roach played very hard, and we talk about that one the better. travel to the noisy confines of A.C. in front of about 300 fans, was able to mount a comeback. A so too did post man Tom Pallin. They lost by a significant margin Guelph on Saturday to play the they nevertheless played an ag successful full-court man-to~man That's the best Pallin has played (we won't mention the score, er, talented Gryphons. Efforts like gressive, physically demanding defense pressured the Mustang all year, and he played the posi 87-50, oops!) and played by far the one given against Western are match that wasn't decided until ball carriers, forcing many turD tion like it was supposed to be their worst game of the year. "It essential if the Hawks are to have the closing moments. overs which subsequently played." wasn't that they were that much any chance of victory. University Sports get SN-UBBED! zilch coverage we have for our the Star and the Globe together, or the media coverage that Canada knew that Miami and by Brian Lauzon university sports to our friendly we'dbeluckyiftherewasonear- determines the school's WashingtonvirtuallysplittheUS Cord Sports neighbours to the south. Their na- ticle on university sports. popularity? national championship than who tional newspaper, for all intents Marshall MacLuhan said "the the Canadian University and purposes, would probably be We all know about the fact media is the message", but if the Champion was. If you're like me, you read the considered the USA Today. A that U.S. schools are more popu- media is only some small-time Even the format in CIAU · sports section of every newspaper cursory glance through the pages lar than ours are. We all know paper like the KW Record (sorry football is better for writing you can get your hands on. I have of this fine bathroom reading that more people prob~bly Waterloo natives) then the mes- about. Tell me that watching been doing this as long as I can material shows no less than one show~d up for one essentially sage is that the CIAU is small- Kubas keep giving that ball to remember, but I really never find page of the sports section per day meanmgless regular season !~t- time. Chic for Andy's final hurrah what I am looking for. I want to devoted to the NCAA. That's one ball g~me betw~en t~o B~g How many people that aren't would be better if we had to wait read about CANADIAN univer page in eight (usually seven if Ten/~Ig East/Big El.~~t/Big in a Canadian university know for some panel of judges to sities, but unfortunately the na you count the stupid picture of a Sky/Big load of ~orsesh1t teams that Laurier won the Vanier Cup? choose us as the national tional print media (i.e. The Globe Ford Bronco that no doubt takes than showed up mall the Cana- Geez, how many people INCA- champion. I don't think so. and Mail, and The Toronto Star - up the entire back page) or almost dian football playoff games put NADIAN UNIVERSlTIES know Regard 1e s s , the NCAA for these purposes) doesn't seem 20% of their sports section. If you together. The question becomes that Laurier won the Vanier Cup? "Championship" got more to want to write about them. take a standard sports section of this: is it the school's popularity I would wager a bet (ok maybe a coverage in our national papers Let's compare the virtual about eight pages, or sixteen for that determines media coverage, small one) that more people in cont'd on page 28 HELP COMBAT UNIVERSITY AND COLLEGE DATE AND ACQUAINTANCE RAPE ENTER A POSTER DESIGN COMPETITION The winning poster will: Be bilingual, be designed by Ontario University and/or college student(s), address the serious crime of date and acquaintance rape, be directed to a male audience. Three prizes of $250/each. First prize winner may be included in a training package on Date and Acquaintance Rape (June 1992) ------Competition Closes: March 1, 1992 Winners Announced: March 31, 1992 Send entries with name, address, telephone/fax numbers and proof of Ontario status to: "Poster Design Competition", Centre for Women Studies in I Education, OISE, 252 Bloor Street West, Toronto, Ontario, MSS 1V6. Tel: (416) 923-6641 OH your order of a 1992 Keystone yearboo~ A POSTER'S WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS Coupon is qooJ until Jon. 311992 The "Campaign to Combat Date and Acquaintance 1 Rape" is funded by the Ontario Ministry of Colleges and ------Universities. l "'"FI:'-.JR.SI>.A. "Y" • .T.A.N"'-.J.A.R. Y" 30. :1.992. SPORTS \ _SqL1ad: The REAL AII-Stats by Geof!Thureson Second All-Thug Team you think is clearing the lanes for could take over the lead. (36G, Manson is still doing OK. And, Cord Sports Defence: Pierre Turgeon and Benoit Hogue 2PTS, 177 PIM) despite the relatively low stats, re Brad "The Berserker" Miller- now? (36G, 2PTS, 140PIM). Left Wing: Stu "The Grim can still leave a swath of destruc· Well, another NHL All-Star Buffalo: Leaves small pesky Rover: Bryan "Bones" Reaper" Grimson-Chicago: The tion behind him with the best of game has come and gone and it wingers like Theoren Fleury Marchemant-Chicago: Put his Reaper is a personal favourite of them. (41G, 21PTS, 116PIM) went pretty much without excite quaking in his midst. Has im- penchant for low hits aside for a mine. Not only does he have the There you go. Finally some· ment. Another no-checking, no pressive stats (37G, 4 PTS,167 moment, and just bask in the coolest nick-name around, but one has recognized these guys for contact, senior league-like game. PIM) despite the fact that he has chaos he has left in his wake. Re- this is a guy who is totally unpre- what they are. Thugs. But they're In case you didn't watch it, and been getting benched lately. member that brawl in Toronto dictable. He may be calm for a lovable thugs. And for any of you probably not many did, it was a Jeff "The O~e" Od~ers-San last week? .That w_as "Bon~" w.ho few games, but then he'll just out there who. star~ scre~ming 10-7 gunfight win for the Camp Jose: The Ogre IS showmg a lot got the thmg gomg by Jumpmg SNAP! Like he did in T.O. Of about encouragmg little kids to bell Conference. ofpr?mise in his rookie year. !fe Wendel Clark. (27G, 5PTS, course, the Reaper can't play in fight in ~key or something like The reason these games are 8o hasn t really made a reputation 110PIM). this game for a while, as he's that, don t you stand up at the And now, the true All-Thugs. serving a 10-game suspension. hockey ga~e when a scuffle These are the guys you c~ pencil (41G, 3PTS, 153PIM) ensues, d.on t you watc~ Don "The reason these games are so boring is probably because they lack in for about 5 or 10 minutes a Centre: Richard "Zamboni" Cherry videos and don t you the real characters of the game. The tough guys, the enforcers with game, allowing of course that Zemlack-Calgary: This guy is on watch Sportsline? Enuff said. the cool nicknames" they actually see ice-time. the team because of quality, not First Team All-Thugs quantity. He's also the only natu- boring is probably because they for himself as a thug, so the refs Defence: ral centre, so he has to get the lack the real characters of the aren't looking for him. Yet, he Link "The Missing Link" nod. But check it out-5 Games, game. The tough guys, the enfor still has 101 PIM in 25 games, to Gaetz-San Jose: The Missing 42 PIM. With an average like cers, the guys with the cool nick-· go along with a measly 5 PTS. Link is just having a tremendous that, and only one point to names. Left Wing: Rob "Robogoon" season. Not only are the penalty blemish it, you deserve to be an After. sifting through the Ray-Buffalo: The defending PIM minutes flowing like water, but All-Thug. Way to go Zamboni! Hockey News for the most im champ from last year is having he managed to get arrested cross- Right Wing: Mike "The pressive tough guys, I have com another respectable year. (32G, cont'd from page 27 piled what I like to refer to as the 4PTS, 156 PIM). Has been part of than did our own, if you count the " ... And now the true All-Thugs. These are the guys you can pencil in "The Masters of Mayhem". When some of the best heavyweight pre- and post-bowl(s) hype. for about 5 Or 10 minutes a game, allowing of course that they actual these guys come into your home bouts of the year. If the USA Today gives 20% ly see ice-time" team's rink, you know all hell's Centre: Gino "No-nickname of its sports coverage to the gonna break loose. Needed" Odjick: Another year of NCAA, regardless of the popula· So here it is, the First and terror from Gino. After joining ing the border. Shades of Bob Punisher" Peluso-Chicago: The tion, shouldn't we also give 20% Second All-Thug Teams. You the ranks of the proven per "Probation" Probert? (29G, 5PTS, leader in this year's derby, The of our space to the CIAU? will notice that there are no fanners last year, he has done his 181PIM) Punisher has also put up amazing Alright maybe not as much, goalies on these teams. Frankly, part to keep Vancouver in first Shawn Cronin "The Bar stats. 205PIM in 28 games. but at least have a few articles a since Ron Hextall got out from place. (32G, 6PTS, 185 PIM). barian"-Winnipeg: One guy that's AMAZING! You can pencil in at week. How about a writer on ihe under Keenan, he has been a Right Wing: Mick "Mindless found a way to keep his hands 5 a game for this guy, and that's university beat? Maybe one day pretty calm fella, and Billy Smith Rage'~ Vukota-NYI: While the Is warm in freezing Winterpeg. The what I call consistency. the papers will realize that ihe is retired, so there is really no one landers may be having another Barbarian is among the league Rover: Dave "Charley" CIAU is worth reporting on, and to put back there that truly dreadful year, the Mindless One leaders for Berserker Crown, and Manson-Edmonton: Not as im then the CIAU might become deserves to be on these teams. is having a career year. Who do a couple of quality games, and he pressive as other years, but popular. ------~ ------(f)I~1~~z~~E!~~ + ENLARGEMENT 6 CONVENIENT LOCATIONS SERVING -SPEC KITCHENER-\XIATERLOO 883-5050 Blow·Up Your ~------12f;li'A't' I~ 11 11 ~ with cheese and 1 topping* I 8x10 AND TEAK - ROSEWOOD EXr-RA TOPPINGS AVAILABLE I FRAME AT ADDmONAL COST. VALID i ONLY \X/ffii COUPON AT I PARTICIPATING LITTLE CEASARS Jan 31/92 Colour Negative Sizes: : 110,126, Full Frame 35 mm (excluding Stretch 35) 1 HOUR PHOTO ·.· ...... DEVELOPING :=\::::~:: .. . ICRAZV BREAD I 319 Victoria St. N. Kitchener 744-2911 70 Otanabee Dr. Kitchener 893-1200 !J~~~~~~sct.tJtJ ____ ~------65 University Ave E. Kitchener 885 UUULJ- 'T'FI"'£JR.SI>.A. "Y" • .J.A.N""LJ .A.R.. "Y" 30. 199.2 ~C~R.I> SPORTS S~Aper Bowl no joke W~e~e ~ave ~ey gone~ byChrisWerynski thantheSuperBowl!" "Married with Children" to Cord Sports It may not be the prudent "Dl!nger Bay", and I participate in ~ ~ ~~ thing to do, but I am going to ad- cross border shopping (to avoid aWi ' Vi Well it's about that time of mit that if an NFL game and a those nasty taxes). Through all of !::.~~~. ~~: j~::s.~:'r~ ~:!. glw:~~~'~:·w:\c~~g~~ =~!'..~ian-.on, I remain a ur Mffi an ~men ~ ~ ~ referring to. They usually relate Seahawks as opposed to the Blue If you say that the CFL IS the Super Bowl to such exciting Bombers. Now before you grab more exciting then you are one of ] tuol! events like watching eight full the nearest frrearrn and hunt me those people who simply equate ho?I's of a. telet~on. "Look honey, d~wn, allow me. to speak my ·~oints' with 'excitement'. ~he e~ ~e~e ~~er~ n~w Clifford IS gomg to play that mmd. differences between Canadian are wonderful piece on his oboe First of all, this does not make and American foutball translate again. It's surely more exciting me anti-Canadian. I prefer into both more passing yards and scoring in the CFL. Going on this comparison would be like calling the NBA more exciting than the CFL because they score more points. Leafs on Fire? As far as the Super Bowl al ways being boring, I would argue by Mike Kronic and Jamie just shaking in his skates! that two of the last four Super Lanoue -Speaking of Bob "when do I get Bowls were decided in the last Cord Sports my visa" Probert, there was a minute of play. It is true that the good wrestling match between Grey Cup has been a much closer One Oiler + One Flame = Red Bobby and Scott Stevens on Sat game in recent years, however, Hot Leafs! (this is OUR title!) urday night. Look for it on you cannot measure the success Grapes' Rock 'Em Sock 'Em N or excitement of a league by how -Well it looks like we've lit the due out next Christmas! close their championship game is. fire under the ass of a few Maple -We wish Scott could have dis I follow the CFL, and the Leafs last week. On Saturday played some of this pent up feisti Grey Cup has always been enjoy night we must have heard ness last week to liven up the All able to watch. My preference, t Krushelnyski' s name about ten Star game. We just hope he didn't however, still lies with the NFL. times, Deblois put in a solid ef waste his energy sticking up for a 4 fort and Loiselle even scored a Beware, it is not illegal to like ... suck like Claude Lemieux! both leagues! goal!! Overall it was a fine effort Sidenote: this is the guy that falls So allow me to watch the from the three of them and the to the ice and curls up into a ball NFL, without the boring jokes, team as they went on to a hard when Probert skates by!! and I promise I will fill up with fought 6-4 win. Is this the first ~ -As we expected, this year's edi gas BEFORE I cross the border time this year they've won two in tion of the Super Bowl provided next time ... honest. a row?! more excitement during the com -Also pleasing to Leaf fans is the mercials than the actual game it Pic: Eda Di Liso resurgence of Glenn "the floater" self. Even if you're a Redskins Where have our spikers gone? That is the question ringing around Anderson, thanks to our pal fan, you must have got tired of Dougie Gilm:mr. Let's face it, the campus as our two teams flounder in dismal mediocrity. Poor at- / watching Jim Kelly get knocked tendance? Well, maybe we can attribute it to poor playing. What is Leafs have finally found someone on his ass play after play. Did to compliment Anderson's speed the reason for our teams' poor playing? Is it the coaches? If so, then 1\ anyone see John Madden and Pat let the heads roll. and goal scoring ability. Summerall freak out on the fans Of Is it the players? If it be that, then we can only hope for better -Nice to see Rick Wamsley pick for falling asleep in their seats ~AWK ' up his first win as a Leaf in a 4-3 during the game? We figure they victory over the up and coming were bored because they weren't fans can inspire our formidable spikers. Go out to a game and let's Islanders. One has to wonder how treated to the billion dollars worth hope. long it will take Cliff Fletcher to of entertaining commercials that unload old Rick (or old Grant for we enjoyed at home! And let's that matter) to a playoff con face it, they were not showing In tender. The way these two are Living Colour during half time at playing, either one would fetch a the Metrodome! JOANNE KITRAS- FIGURE Scholarships for handsome price in the trade SKATING Joanne is this week's -Looks like things worked out market. This option becomes female Athlete of the Week. In graduate studies towards even more attractive with the out well for Mark Rypien this year, competition this past weekend, a Master's Degree Program who opted to sign the one year standing play of Felix Potvin in she led the women's figure skat in housing St. John's. deal at the beginning of the sea ing team to a 6th place fmish by -We'd mention the Rob "the son. That Superbowl ring and the placing 2nd in the open ladies FOR THE 1992-1993 ACADEMIC YEAR MVP award should translate into long-haired whiner" Brown trade category. Joanne is a third year Individual scholarships of up to $14,154 each for graduate some Big Bucks for the but who the hell cares about this English/Biology major. studies in housing are awarded by Canada Mortgage and overrated visor goon! Pittsburgh Redskins' QB. Housing Corporation (CMHC) to candidates of demonstrated quickly got sick of his attitude ability and high academic promise. and shipped him off to Hartford. Scholarship winners are chosen competitively by a national Now Hartford has had enough of committee representing business, universities and government. him and has shipped him off to DON'T These awards may be used for studies in such disciplines as You engineering, environment, business and public administration, Chicago where we are sure his lackadaisical attitude will clash A YELLOW social and behavioural science, architecture, economics, law, with Mike "Attila the Hun" planning and history. Keenan's philosophy. TO A Guideline and Application form may be obtained from your -You gotta like how Pat "pay me university office responsible for graduate studies or student awards. or trade me" LaFontaine has Or write to: come back from his injury. We Administrator, Scholarship Progam find it hard to believe that Canada Mortgage and Housing Corporation Mogilny made the All-Star team 700 Montreal Road, Ottawa, Ontario K1A OP7 as the Buffalo representative. Even if Patty missed a few Your request for a form must reach Ottawa by March 9, 1992. games, he is a much better player In turn, your application for the 1992-1993 academic year must than Mogilny, HANDS DOWN!! be'""sent to CMHC by your university no later than April10, 1992. -While we're on the topic, have to say congratulations to SYDNEY/MELBOURNE Alexander "the Russian goon" AUCKlAND Mogilny, who received a ten game suspension for giving a REFEREE (ha!ha!ha!) a love tap Universit¥ Shops Plaza, Waterloo (519) 886-0400 on the face. We didn't know you had it in you Commie! Who's next on your hit list? The Zam boni driver?!! We bet Probert is - - - - r I I I I ' { FIGHTS BOREDOM BELOW THE WAISTLINE I Aerosmith the Animals J April . Wine the Beatles B.T.O. 1 Beck Blind Faith Blood Sweat yster Cult .- David Bowie Bos wne the Byrds the Cars Er lash Eddie Cochran Alice tello Cream Crosby Stills Nas urple the DOORS Dire Straits Bob Dylan the Eagles Dave Light • Orchestra Emerson Lake miCS the Faces Fleetwood M gner 1 Peter Frampton Peter and the Guess Who Gene ~ the Pretenders Billy Idol Jo..lilllllliMi~... Tull CLASSIFIEI>S psychology major who enjoys ~ov~. camping, and sunbathing. Am/J¥oking for an honest, aurae a meaningful rela ti A EDED ADLY, We need ~eet mgs are 1 @ 2:30p.m. in the Cord office$, second floor of the S.U.B. We need your input and your hidden talents. If you want to write, or just tell us how great the paper is(we will listen to negative BUT constructive criti cism also!), please make yourself \pplicants will be in seen and heard. All are welcome! lerviewed before the first meet ilg. Group begins Thursday, WORK outside in Kingston this January 30 at 4:30-6:30 p.m. for summer! Join the team at Student I sessions at Counselling Ser- Works Painting. Call Andrew at Yices, Needles hall, UW. If inter- 725-3282. ested contact Counselling Ser- ----:-;------ Yices, UW, 885-1211, ext.2655 I Counselling Services, WLU, 884- 1970 exL2338. LOST - a severe • with the Sisterhood • Virginity. If found L or C ASAP!!! If you know what this is about, you'll know • where to fmd us! • Well hung stud seeking com panions for group fantasies. Rep ly to Classifieds Box; address to • #13. • ~anagers needed for busy window cleaning company. Above average earnings. ~ust SPRING BREAK IN pecial have own car. Please call 746- DAYTONA & CANCUN Count Attention All 3994. down to Spring Break- Less than Orientation /91: 3 we.eks away! Book your ex tures from Ice ~/-word a single parent student? advepture today. Parties can order them b:t: Budweiser, • IIWIIIUU w~ and Eucharist you are willing to be in Union Office. m. - Lutheran ed about your experi- \.1uch~usic, and Committee. try Rev. Bob please call Stephanie at ~~:Call 13. I am a graduating 884- of Social Works~ tlet Czar- '!'hanks for helping me out my research Act during my times of Crisis. Don't in the Social worry -- I'll be through this neurotic stage soon. You're good friend. The ~ster of ale Universe. you the daughter of a SELL! 1986 Honda Inter had breast cancer 750. Needs work. $500 as teen years? If so and you :are Happy Birthday Sheldon!!!!!!!! 888-0250. Ask for fraser. willing to be interviewed about From the Wednesday Night professional word process your experiences, please call Winos!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! h'"'~"alahQ cultural t Bcnning tion Woods by University Grad (English). at 725-5859. I am a graduating members; $20 , spelling, corrections WLU student working with a Happy Birthday Condo 1900 sq.ft.$1200 ; $35 non Laser printer. Suzanne professor in the Sociology Dept. those blisters don't mem~ Pre-register by Feb.5, From a "non-limping Serious - I'm a brunette 3rd yr 1992 Phone 884-4400{745-0525. ~~ - - . ------A,