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Encouraging Effective Coparenting in Blended

By: Eboni J. Baugh, Ph.D., CFLE, Assistant Professor, Department of Development and Relations, East Carolina University Due to a consistently high rate, many quality are able to navigate movement between and children experience multiple marital multiple households, provide easy transitions of and living arrangements during their lifetimes members into and out of a new family system, (Cherlin, 2010). Households in which a and effectively negotiate new family boundaries resides with at least one child and a new (Braithwaite et al., 2001). Further, those who partner are referred to as , make their relationships a priority are better repartnered families, or blended families (Gold, equipped to deal with the hassles of a blended 2010; Anderson & Greene, 2013). According to family. the National Center for Health Statistics, a Michaels (2006) identified two major strengths blended family “consists of one or more children that are factors in blended family success: living with a biological or adoptive parent and informed commitment and a sense of family. an unrelated stepparent who are married to one Michaels reported that informed commitment another” (Blackwell, refers to a “proactive 2010). Blended families approach to achieving a face many unique strong and challenges, such as an family bond” and sense increased risk for conflict of family occurred with and stress and difficulty the “idea that a new caring for the day-to-day family was being needs of children, as a created.” Successful result of changes in blended families agree family structure on the importance of (Sweeney, 2010). This family and consistently brief reviews current work on their research on the unique experiences of blended commitment to each other. Parents focus on families and suggests practices to improve the needs of the children (e.g., keeping them effective coparenting. from the center of conflict or having them Strengths of Blended Families choose between biological and stepparents) and encourage members (e.g., Despite the instability experienced during the ex-inlaws, current inlaws) to accept the new formation of a blended family, much strength family (Dupuis, 2010; Michaels, 2008). This can be found within this group. Blended families dedication to creating and maintaining a new are a diverse group with varied outcomes; family identity gives blended families resilience some members are able to manage conflict and in the face of internal and external adversity. change and report more positive outcomes than others (Braithwaite, Olson, Golish, Soukup, & Turman, 2001). Those with the most relationship satisfaction and highest relationship

1 Encouraging Effective Coparenting in Blended Families Common Issues for Blended households face the confusing and frustrating task of consistently needing to adjust their Families behavior as they are required to follow different Unrealistic expectations sets of rules (Pasley & Lee, 2010; Michaels, 2006). Children’s identity in the family, often Most blended families are formed with an related to their place in the birth order, may optimistic outlook and unrealistic expectations. change as they are shuffled around to The prevailing assumption of parents is that this accommodate the addition of step- and half- new family will experience a quick and smooth siblings (Apel & Kaukinen, 2008; Michaels, transition into family solidarity, unit 2006). Being caught in the middle of two cohesiveness, and (Braithwaite et al., households, children may be forced to declare 2001; Sweeney, 2010). During this fantasy their allegiance to a specific parent (Margolin, stage, children also have unrealistic Gordis, & John, 2001; Pasley & Lee, 2010), expectations that their biological parents will which can create animosity toward the other eventually reunite and that stepparents will go parent or stepparent (Dupuis, 2010). Added away (Papernow, 1984). difficulties arise as parents are often unaware, ill-equipped, or incapable of providing clarity to It is estimated that 4.2 million children because they themselves are also children reside in blended family experiencing role confusion. households (Lofquist, Lugaila, Parents and stepparents feel pressure to O ’Connell, & Feliz, 2010). measure up to traditional family norms and may

face difficulty when trying to define or modify In reality, most blended families will encounter their parental roles (Braithwaite et al., 2001; some level of difficulty, especially in the first few Roberson, Sabo, & Wickel, 2011; Sweeney, years (Anderson & Greene, 2013). Stress in the 2010). While all parents in a blended family couple relationship, discord between parents experience some sort of role ambiguity, and children, conflict with ex-spouses, and lack stepparents face the most uncertainty, of extended family support are issues especially with regard to their commonly found in most blended families stepchildren (Schrodt, 2010). Conflict with the (Michaels, 2006). Often, the “myth of the instant biological parent can arise when a stepparent family” extends undue pressure on family seeks to be more involved in the lives of their members to fit an ideal and view problems as a stepchildren, while on the other hand, sign of weakness and failure (Braithwaite et al., resentment may occur if they choose to remain 2001; Gonzales, 2009). It is important for distant (Dupuis, 2010; Martin-Uzzi & Duval- blended families to let go of their anticipation to Tsioles, 2013). be instant nuclear families and strive to develop their own new family identity (Dupuis, 2010). Biological vs. stepparents Role boundary confusion After remarriage, biological parents must decide what—if any—involvement the new stepparent An additional issue for blended families is the will have in parenting. Previously established role boundary confusion that can occur from parent-child relationships may change to forming new relationships and encountering accommodate input from stepparents and non- new responsibilities while navigating the residential biological parents (Sweeney, 2010). movement of children between multiple Difficulties may arise as parents struggle to households (Anderson & Greene, 2013; Gold, determine who is responsible for making the 2010; Gonzales, 2009; Sweeney, 2010). final parenting decisions. Although variations Children who move back and forth between 2 Encouraging Effective Coparenting in Blended Families occur, gender appears to be a prevailing factor relationships with children compared to non- in parental responsibility, as the majority of custodial fathers (Berg, 2003). children identify a woman (residential/non- Custodial mothers are less likely to initiate residential or step) as their primary caregiver interaction with their former partners. They also (Gasper, Stolberg, Macie, & Williams, 2008). often negate the ability of fathers to interact with Compared to biological parents, stepparents children and do not allow children to spend the are often unequipped with the support, appropriate amount of quality time to benefit resources, or authority to parent their from relationships with their non-custodial stepchildren (Dupuis, 2010). Legal constraints fathers (Ganong, Coleman, Markham & limit parental rights to biological and/or adoptive Rothrauff, 2011; Madden-Derdich & Leonard, parents, which controls how much responsibility 2002; Mason, 2011). stepparents can have for their stepchildren Custodial mothers report that there are many (Dupuis, 2010). Still, stepparents provide factors that determine the frequency and essential economic and caregiving resources amount of contact that occurs between children and are an integral part of the blended family and their non-custodial fathers. Laakso (2004) (Sweeney, 2010). reported three main concerns held by custodial Conflict between custodial and mothers: non-custodial parents Non-custodial father behavior, Conflict with an ex-partner is an issue that can Children’s desire to see the non- affect the relationship quality in a blended custodial father, and family. Deliberate or not, ex-partners can Personal experiences with their own cause additional conflict and place strain on the non-custodial father. residential parents’ relationship quality, which in turn, hinders the ability to coparent effectively Mothers who had experiences with their own (Dupuis, 2010; Martin-Uzzi & Duval-Tsioles, non-residential fathers had the desire to foster 2013). better father-child relationships for their children. Mothers had The attempt to satisfy more difficulty making custody and support visitation agreements with agreements with an ex- fathers when there was a partner can affect the possibility of children quality of a coparenting being exposed to drinking, relationship, especially smoking, dating, and as it relates to gender. possessing guns, a Although ideas of the decision often made more parenting capability of difficult by their children’s fathers have changed intense desire to engage slightly over time, they with their fathers. As a are still more likely than mothers to be non- result, any decisions that limited or stopped custodial parents (Mason, 2011). Mothers make interactions between children and non-custodial up more than 70% of the parents with primary fathers proved extremely distressful for mothers custody of children (Madden-Derdich & (Laakso, 2004). Laakso’s research emphasizes Leonard, 2002), but in those few cases where how thoughtful decisions by custodial parents mothers are the non-custodial parent, they are can encourage relationships between children still more likely to initiate and maintain close and their non-custodial parents.

3 Encouraging Effective Coparenting in Blended Families Coparenting in Blended Father involvement Families Research has emphasized the distinctive benefit that fathers have on their children’s Predictors of coparenting quality overall well-being (Ganong et al., 2011; Laakso, Quality coparenting in blended families occurs 2004). Having a consistent relationship with a when parents are able to cooperatively address father has been positively linked to a child’s the day-to-day needs of their children (Ganong level of self-esteem (Gasper, Stolberg, Macie, & et al., 2011; Hohmann-Marriott, 2011). Williams, 2008). Even if there is conflict in the Roberson, Nalbone, Hecker, and Miller (2010) relationship, mothers and fathers agree on the outlined three prevailing types of coparenting importance of father-child relationships relationships found in blended families: (Laakso, 2004).

Cooperative coparenting, where The benefits of responsible involvement of both parents exists with fatherhood and marriage and little to no conflict; relationship education programs: Conflictual coparents, who are also very Increase access to children and involved with children, but have high payment of ; conflict; and Provide employment services and Disengaged parents with less assistance; involvement and varying degrees of conflict. Improve father- child interaction; Infrequent conflict and increased reciprocity can Offer peer support and parent influence quality coparenting and parental education; and perception of the coparenting relationship. Assist with coparenting. Perception is a key factor in dictating the level Source: McHale, Waller, & Pearson, 2012. of involvement coparents have with one another

(Ganong et al., 2011). Parents who experience quality coparenting are more likely to pay child The biggest predictor of father involvement is support, less likely to consider support parental perception (both mother and father) of payments as paramount to their relationship, his role and his ability to perform that role. and are more likely to have positive interactions When fathers feel influential in making with each other (Roberson et al., 2010). decisions on their children’s behalf, they are more likely to participate in parenting and spend Communication with non- time with their children (Hohmann-Marriott, residential parents 2011). Mothers’ perceptions encourage involvement too; fathers who perceive that their Communication is a crucial component of the parental ability is viewed positively by mothers coparenting process. Parents who recognize are more likely to participate in parenting the impact that positive interactions have on (Madden-Derdich & Leonard, 2002). This children and their overall coparenting success maternal “gate-keeping” is vital to the success are more likely to display them (Ganong et al, of the coparenting relationship and its 2011). importance continues to increase over time (Fagan & Palkovitz, 2011; Ganong et al., 2011).

4 Encouraging Effective Coparenting in Blended Families Stepfather involvement has also been a focus susceptible to the hostile interactions of of research with regard to coparenting in parental conflict, subtle behaviors—such as an blended families. Gold (2010) found that overall lack of solidarity between parents— stepfathers should form coparenting appear to be most harmful (Teubert & Pinquart, relationships with biological mothers while 2010). supporting efforts to include non-residential Despite the risks, there are children in blended fathers. This parenting alliance can be formed families who fare better and show more positive more easily when non-residential fathers meet outcomes than their peers, even those in financial obligations, are reliable with visitation, biological parent households (Anderson & and respectfully interact with others in the Greene, 2013). What separates these children alliance (Marsiglio, 2011). Having a relationship is the quality of communication and cohesion with both a biological father and a stepfather found within the behavior of their parents. increases children’s overall well-being and the Research has highlighted numerous benefits likelihood that they will have positive outcomes that effective coparenting can have on overall (Gold, 2010). child adjustment, such as increased self- esteem, increased physical and mental health, Goals of coparenting: and more satisfaction in future romantic Negotiate new family roles and relationships (Berg, 2003; Roberson, Sabo, & rules; Wickel, 2011). Endorse realistic expectations for Influence on the couple all family members; relationship Strengthen the relationship Surprisingly, the relationship satisfaction of between stepparent and stepchild; couples in blended families has been linked to and communication with non-residential parents Manage relationships with (Schrodt, 2010). In others words, positive children’ s other parent. communication between ex-partners can influence positive communication between the Source: Adler -Baeder, Erikson, & remarried couple. Therefore, it is important for Higginbotham, 2007. ex-partners to create cooperative coparenting

relationships for their children as well as for Influence on child adjustment their own mental health and marital satisfaction. Research has highlighted the unique experiences and stressors encountered by children in blended families, compared to those in traditional biological families. Children in blended family households are more likely to encounter difficulties during family transitions, which may result in decreases in economic status, academic achievement, and prosocial behaviors (Apel & Kaukinen, 2008; Roberson, Sabo, & Wickel, 2011). The amount and type of conflict found within the coparenting relationship has been found to be a predictor of child adjustment outcomes (Ganong et al., 2011; Pasley & Lee, 2010). While children are 5 Encouraging Effective Coparenting in Blended Families Pre-family counseling “When remarried adults coparent in ways that are supportive and Research suggests that the best interventions cooperative, such efforts are likely to for blended families should begin prior to family ameliorate some of the stress associated formation (Braithwaite et al., 2001; Michaels, with development ” (Schrodt & 2006). During the pre-family stage (i.e., before Braithwaite, 2010). remarriage), it is important for the couple to (Schrodt & Braithwaite, 2010) have reasonable expectations, work on effective communication patterns, and address Best Practices and Strategies role ambiguity from the start (Braithwaite et al., for Healthy Relationship 2001). One way in which couples can accomplish this is through pre-family Education Programming counseling. Gonzales (2009) suggested the A need exists to address the unique following four stages of pre-family counseling to experiences of blended families and focus on prevent and lessen stress during the family improving the quality of post-divorce blending process: interactions and strengthening coparenting Discovery: family members get to know partnerships (Braithwaite et al., 2001; Dupuis, one another, increase bonding, and 2010; Ganong et al., 2011; Martin-Uzzi & create a sense of family unity. Duval-Tsioles, 2013; McBroom, 2011; Roberson et al., 2010). Instead of one-time Education: teaching families “what to workshops and seminars, relationship expect” while becoming a blended education programs should be part of long- family. Grief/loss and change are term, sustainable resources that contribute to discussed with emphasis on developing the current and future well-being of the entire patience. family (Bonach, 2005). Parental unification: parents focus on Forgiveness their relationship and come to an agreement on parenting issues such as Research consistently identifies forgiveness as discipline and parenting techniques. a “strong predictor of quality coparenting,” Family unification: discussion of fears although a double standard exists. Seemingly and expectations of what family life will more relevant to mothers’ perception of be like and a commitment to periodic coparenting, forgiveness is an essential family meetings. component in determining the level of compliance and satisfaction that mothers have Coparenting education programs within their coparenting relationships (Bonach, during divorce 2005; Bonach, Sales, & Koeske, 2005; McBroom, 2011). Therefore, the importance of The ability to shield children from conflict and the forgiveness process should be encouraged understand the necessity of civilized post- for fathers during coparenting education. divorce interactions is a not an innate skill, but Educators can help parents realize that for one that most parents will need to acquire forgiveness to occur they must release anger (Bonach, 2005). Consequently, parents need and animosity toward their ex-partner, and then educational interventions that help them focus make the choice to view the ex-partner in a on how divorce affects children and how they more positive light (Bonach, 2009). can coparent effectively (Bonach, 2005; Dush, Kotila, & Schoppe-Sullivan, 2011; Madden- Derdich & Leonard, 2002). Mandatory parent

6 Encouraging Effective Coparenting in Blended Families education programs during divorce have helped Creating new manners of interaction families decrease conflict and improve the level that encourage coparenting; of satisfaction in the coparenting relationship Designing a parenting plan that (McBroom, 2011). The primary goal of specifies appropriate behaviors and coparenting education programs for divorcing interactions; parents is to work toward interactions that increase the well-being of children. Continuing to provide a conduit for interaction between parents; and Therefore, successful parent education programs: Maintaining case management and collaboration with a team of individuals Emphasize the importance of working with the family (Sullivan, 2008). decreasing conflict and increasing parent efficacy; Conclusion Teach parents not to undercut efforts of There is an increasing need for interventions

coparents; that assist parents and children with adjustment Use skill-building activities; and to life as members of a blended family. Educational interventions at different points Assist parents in assessing their need during the blended family process (post- for further interventions (Sigal, Sandler, divorce, pre-family, post-family) can help to Wolchik, & Braver, 2011). alleviate stress, define roles, decrease conflict, Parenting coordination increase father involvement, and solidfy a new family identity. Although issues that cause conflict might not change, properly implemented parenting Suggested Resources coordination has proven successful in disengaging coparents from conflict (Sullivan, Association of Family and Conciliation Courts 2013). The Association of Family and http://www.afccnet.org/ Conciliation Courts (2006) defines parenting Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples coordination as a process where professionals Education help adversarial parents resolve conflict, learn http://www.smartmarriages.com/index.html what is best for children, and create and National Extension Relationship & Marriage maintain quality parent-child relationships. The Education Network primary goal of parenting coordination is to http://www.nermen.org/ concentrate on the well-being of children, thereby helping parents make decisions toward National Parenting Education Network this goal (American Psychological Association, http://npen.org/ 2012). National Resource Center for Healthy Marriage Parent coordinators work to decrease conflict and Families and act as intermediaries who promote positive www.HealthyMarriageandFamilies.org/ interactions between parents (Sullivan, 2013). National Responsible Fatherhood This distinctive role merges mental health and Clearinghouse legal systems to assist with: http://fatherhood.gov/ Transitioning parents from a National Stepfamily Resource Center confrontational legal system to a more http://www.stepfamilies.info/ child-friendly, solution-focused arena;

7 Encouraging Effective Coparenting in Blended Families References

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9 Encouraging Effective Coparenting in Blended Families

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This product was produced by ICF International with funding provided by the United States Department of Health and Human Services, Administration for Children and Families, Grant: 90FH0002. Any opinions, findings, and conclusions or recommendations expressed in this material are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of the United States Department of Health and Human Services, Administration for Children and Families.

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