@horse_ebooks Tour Take Two Eminem to Florence PAGE PAGE Double take on the overlords 5 Reimagining a prefrosh visit 7 Scibona lists his top tracks PAGE 9

Middletown, Connecticut Volume CLIII, Issue 9 Friday, September 27, 2013 Since 1868

PSafe Director Finalists

PAGE 9 Visit, Address Campus “Thrones” fans ready for battles By Tess Morgan and Miranda Katz Group, a search and consulting firm News Editors that fills positions in higher edu- cation, serves as an advisor to the Over the past 10 days, three committee. Whaley, who has been Public Safety (PSafe) Director fi- a leader in the search process, dis- nalists have visited campus, par- cussed the three finalists that visited ticipating in open forums with the campus this week. University community. The three “We thought that each of them candidates—Dana Perrin, Joe Kirk, was really interesting and had dif- and Ken Collamore—were selected ferent sorts of qualifications and from a pool of over 160 applicants strengths, and so we wanted to by a search committee formed at the spend more time with them, [have end of last semester when former di- them] visit campus and meet with rector David Meyer announced his more people so that we could see resignation. who fits and who doesn’t,” Whaley Vice President for Student said. Affairs Michael Whaley, two stu- Formerly, the director of PSafe dents, a professor, and a Human reported directly to Vice President Resources representative serve on for Finance and Administration the search committee. A consultant from The Spelman and Johnson PSAFE, page 3 REBECCA KOPPEL/CONTRIBUTING PHOTOGRAPHER Rabbi David Leipziger Teva, who proposed the construction of the Sukkah in 2009, began the Jewish Renaissance Fellows program in an effort to foster a stronger Jewish community on campus. Celebrities Thrill at Enriching The Community Renaissance Fellows Build Shared Jewish Experience 65h Emmy Awards By Molly Muoio an amusing tone for the night, yet for By Claire Bradach pus and make underclassmen mester to plan events for the Contributing Writer those of us who have been following Executive Edior feel welcomed and comfortable. New Student Orientation. Teva his awards ceremony hosting career, “The basic challenge I found explained that this part of the This past Sunday, awards show his opening act was a bit of a letdown From a recent brunch in the 11 years ago that holds true year JRF program is especially instru- host Neil Patrick Harris added another after his performance at the 2013 Tony Sukkah to a live-music dance party after year is you have first-year stu- mental in giving students some- formal affair to his résumé. On the Awards. While a few jokes went stale this Friday at the Bayit, the cam- dents who arrive on campus and it’s thing familiar amid the chaos evening of the 65th Annual Primetime on his lips, Harris’ likable personality pus is buzzing with Jewish life. overwhelming, it’s confusing, and and confusion of starting college. Emmy Awards, America waited anx- pulled the show through three long Working enthusiastically to bring it’s hard to find your place,” Teva “First impressions are really iously to see whether “Breaking Bad” hours of slideshows, ballads from ’70s this community together is a group said. “One of the things I learned important,” he said. “Some of would finally win its much-anticipated stars, and awards we’ve never heard of. of students collectively known as the very quickly is the strength of peer them are here for arrival day— “Outstanding Drama Series” award, if However, not even Harris’ up- Jewish Renaissance Fellows (JRF). support groups and peer leadership they give out Lärabars—they “Modern Family” would triumph yet beat hosting could counteract the Rabbi David Leipziger Teva models, which is incredibly strong help newly arrived students again in the “Outstanding Comedy despondency that colored much of started the program 11 years ago at Wesleyan and growing stronger.” know that there’s something fa- Series” category, and, most important- the ceremony. While it is traditional after observing outreach initiatives Fellows apply and go through miliar and welcoming, because ly, if song-and-dance-man NPH would to honor a TV star who died in the at other universities and identify- training during the spring of their for some students everything is dazzle us with a TV-themed musical 12 months prior to the broadcast, ing a similar need at Wesleyan. freshman years. The official com- new, but Shabbat, challah, Jewish number. my entire supply of Kleenex was de- The Fellows, including sopho- mitment is one semester, but Fellows geography, those are things that Only one of these ­­­­­prospects failed pleted during the tributes dedicated mores Stephanie Blumenstock, have the option to continue work- can help people feel welcome.” to align with the expectations of the to no fewer than six deceased stars: Jacob Bordoley, Rachel Fox, and ing in the spring. The first major The Fellows plan a variety of masses, and barely so. NPH did offer Jonathan Winters, Jean Stapleton, Matthew Stein, plan events to en- requirement of the job is to come a musical number, but as a halfway Liberace, Cory Monteith, Gary David rich Jewish student life on cam- back to campus early in the fall se- RENAISSANCE, page 6 marker rather than as a hook to reel in the audience from the onset. He set EMMY, page 9 WEconSent Educates Students Taking on Western Conn. on Sexual Violence Awareness By Matthew Shelley-Reade cluding community organizing as a conversations,” Warren wrote. Contributing Writer prevention strategy, intimate partner “I spoke with Rachel Verner… violence, stalking, bystander inter- and a number of other students Wednesday, Sept. 26 marked vention, survivors from tradition- to gauge interest and gather feed- the beginning of WEconSent, a ally marginalized communities, best back. I received overwhelming seven-part sexual violence aware- practice in sexual violence educa- support for the series. I’m very ness and prevention series taught tion, and how to facilitate challeng- excited to offer it this semester by Counseling and Psychological ing discussions.” and can’t wait to see where it goes Services Therapist and Sexual Warren decided to incorporate in the future.” Violence Resource Coordinator student input into the organization As the SART intern, Verner Alysha Warren. Warren will take on of the series. She worked with Sexual acts as a liaison between students the bulk of the training and teach- Assault Response Team (SART) in- and resources for sexual violence, ing, but other students, faculty, and tern Rachel Verner ’15 to gain a stu- both on and off campus. She un- administrators are welcome to con- dent’s perspective on the program. derscored the importance of the tribute their own expertise on par- “After speaking with a num- WEconSent series. ticular topics. ber of students last semester about “This series is important be- “The first session provided an sexual violence programming on cause it will train students to ad- overview of sexual assault and ex- campus, I developed the idea for the dress the issue of sexual violence plored rape culture on Wesleyan’s series to provide a venue where stu- on a broader scale,” Verner wrote campus, specifically, and in society,” dents could learn more about the is- in an email to The Argus. “The Warren wrote in an email to The sue of sexual violence, best practices focus on preparing students to SHANNON WELCH/PHOTO EDITOR Argus. “A number of topics will be in sexual violence education, and Kim Farris ’14 led the Cardinals with 18 kills and tacked on three discussed throughout the series in- learn skills to facilitate challenging WECONSENT, page 2 aces against Western Connecticut. For the full story see page 10.

www.wesleyanargus.com 2 THE WESLEYAN ARGUS FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 27, 2013 The news Wesleyan Argus Fraterniy Promotes established in 1868 WEconSent: Series

Editors-in-Chief Lily Baggott Christina Norris Aims to Combat October Blood Drive Production Manager By Emma Davis the drive, which is only a small time Michelle Woodcock Conributing Writer commitment, maybe an hour, and that’ll be just signing people in or giv- Executive Editors Sexual Violence In an effort to raise awareness ing out food or something,” Laidley Claire Bradach Continued from front page about the upcoming blood drive in said. “I think once people find out why Olivia Horton on campus through bystander in- October, Phi Beta Sigma and Wesleyan [donating blood] is important and why Abbey Francis run and organize programming will tervention. Blood Drives co-hosted a Blood Drive it could impact even their own lives, News Editors Miranda Katz hopefully help to break down rape “The program will hopefully Information Session on Thursday, then they’ll be more compelled to give.” Tess Morgan culture on campus and in the broader leave students with strong by- Sept. 26, in Usdan 108. This week’s During the information session, Asst. News Editor Stephanie Ling community.” stander intervention skills, and all info session was a part of Sigma Week, American Red Cross representatives Features Editors Rebecca Seidel Combating rape culture and students that participate will lead a series of events hosted by Phi Beta Joyce Ramsey and Kimberly Moreland Adam Keller sexual violence on campus is what and develop programming over Sigma to promote the fraternity and discussed the constant demand for Asst. Features Editor Gabe Rosenberg drew Chloe Jeng ’15 to the program. the course of the semester,” Verner to encourage community and service blood, but more specifically the need Opinion Editors Josh Cohen Jeng has signed up for the series and wrote. “The goal is to create a learning on campus. Other events in- Jenn Cummings for diverse blood types. attended the first session. more empowered community, and cluded a Freshman 101 panel, a Greek “Why it’s so important for men Arts Editors Dan Fuchs “I chose to take part in one in which members recognize Gwendolyn Rosen Game Night, and a visit from the street of color and women of color to really WEconSent because sexual violence that this is a serious issue for all.” clothes vendor Superego Clothiers. get on this bandwagon is that there are Sports Editor Josh Cohen Jeng affirmed Verner’s vision Asst. Sports Editors Brett Keating is such a prevalent issue at Wesleyan, The theme of this year’s Sigma unique donors and rare blood types in Felipe DaCosta and it has impacted so many of our for fighting sexual violence. Week was “Speeding on to 100,” in [their] community,” Ramsey said. “If Photo Editor Trisha Arora lives,” Jeng explained. “The number “I hope to gain a better un- honor of the fraternity’s 100th na- I’m a sickle-cell patient, and I’m look- Asst. Photo Editor Kathy Lee of students on this campus who either derstanding of best practices in tionwide anniversary on Jan. 9, 2014. ing for a donation to sustain my life, Head Layout Eliza Loomis know someone who’s been sexually sexual violence education and pro- Phi Beta Sigma, Inc., the umbrella I’m going to do and fare much better Layout Angela Hsu assaulted or who have experienced gramming, and to build skills for organization to which the Wesleyan with [a donor] of my own ethnicity.... Courtney Laermer sexual assault themselves is much facilitating the difficult conversa- chapter reports, was started at Howard The best matches occur when the re- Gabe Rosenberg too large. While Wesleyan has taken tions that surround the topic of University in Washington, D.C. and cipient and the donor share the same Noor Tell huge strides in recent years to try to sexual violence,” Jeng said. “Also, is dedicated to “brotherhood, schol- ethnic background.” Sofia Zaidman combat sexual violence, I think there’s I would like to bring attention to arship, and service,” according to its To further underscore the value of Business Manager Andrew Hove still a lot of work to be done to ensure the issue of rape culture and try mission statement. It has traditionally donor diversity, Ramsey cited a statis- Advertising Manager Katya Sapozhnina that survivors of sexual assault are to make our community safer via served African American young men tic about the predominance of the O Web Editor Alicia Gansley better supported in dealing with the education about preventing sexual but is open to students of all ethnici- blood type among blacks and Hispanics Social Media Editor Kirby Sokolow aftermath of such an earth-shattering violence.” ties. in the United States. The O blood Distribution Managers Aaron Veerasuntharam event.” Andrew Trexler ’14, Vice The Wesleyan chapter of Phi Beta type, which is universally accepted by Alex Papadogiannis Vice President of Students President of the Wesleyan Student Sigma was founded in 2007 but cur- persons of all blood types, is present at Ampersand Editor Sarah Esocoff for Consent Communication Billy Assembly, will also be attend- rently has only two members on cam- Head Copy Editor Elana Rosenthal a rate of 53 percent among Hispanics Donnelly ’15 said that he hopes ing the series. Trexler started a pus, President Everton Laidley ’14 and and 47 percent among blacks, as com- Sophia Franchi WEconSent can build off the success Consent Pledge last year as part of Ali Rosenberg Vice-President Morgan Hanson ’14. pared to 37 percent of Caucasians and of previous consent-oriented work- the efforts to combat rape culture However, Laidley and Hanson hope to 39 percent of Asians. Thank you to our generous donors. shops. and sexual violence. attract new members over the course “[Type O] is the most needed by Alice and Colby Andrus “Last year we hosted some con- “WEconSent is a more com- of the year and will continue to main- hospital patients,” Ramsey explained. Brooke Byers sent workshops to educate people on prehensive training program,” tain the fraternity’s presence through “That’s the first blood type that [the Alex Wilkinson how consent can be communicated in Trexler said. “I’m hoping that various service-related events. This doctors] are going to reach for when relationships,” Donnelly said. “Alysha it will widen the range of peo- Saturday, Sept. 28, the Sigmas will be they’re treating for cancer, for acci- [Warren] has always been doing really ple who have the tools to work co-hosting a “Get Fresh” Brotherhood dents, for a whole host of things.” The Wesleyan Argus (USPS great work. I think the WEconSent through issues related to this topic Dinner with Invisible Men in Albritton However, as Moreland noted, 674-680) is published by the un- workshops will be beneficial in on a person-to-person level. Many 311. dergraduates of Wesleyan Universi- blood donations across the board are spreading awareness and educating people on campus have done a lot This week’s event was coordi- currently in decline. She appealed to ty. The University does not publish of great work, but that’s not every- the Argus or influence its content, people.” nated by Laidley and Wesleyan Blood younger donors in particular to help nor is it responsible for any of the Verner believes that the series body. It’s an issue that’s relevant to Drives member Silvia Diaz-Roa ’15, combat the shortage. opinions expressed in the Argus. will equip attendees with the neces- everybody, whether or not they who is also an American Red Cross “Blood collections are down; The Argus is published twice sary skills to combat sexual violence recognize that.” Ambassador and has been involved we are struggling to get collections,” weekly during the school year ex- with the blood drives on campus since Moreland said. “Not only do we want cept in exam periods or recesses. her freshman year. Though she herself people to give more than once, but First class postage paid in Middle- is ineligible to donate, Diaz-Roa sees we want those people who are young town, CT 06459. Community Notified helping with blood drives as the next enough, eligible, and healthy to come The Argus welcomes Wespeaks best way to give back to the commu- that pertain to campus issues, forward.... If it’s your first time, just news stories and editorial policy. nity. As a pre-med major, she enjoys the come out and try it. If it’s not for you, Wespeaks should be no longer opportunity to help save lives. it’s not for you. But you’re never going than 750 words. The deadline for of Burglaries, Assault “You can actually save so many to know until you try.” submission is 4 p.m. (Monday, for lives just by one donation,” Diaz-Roa Fortunately, despite a low turnout Tuesday publication, and Thurs- By Miranda Katz Streets early on Sunday morning. said. “It’s sort of like a win-win for at the Blood Drive Information Session day, for Friday publication). All News Editor Additionally, three laptops and people who donate, because not only on Thursday, the University’s contribu- submissions should be e-mailed to other valuables were stolen from are you helping other people, but tions have increased steadily over the [email protected], and should Several breaches of security oc- three separate houses on Fountain you’re helping yourself. You’ll feel bet- last few years, with 245 pints collected include the author’s name and tele- curred this past weekend, including ter about yourself, and if you ever need phone number. Avenue. in 2010-2011, 346 pints in 2011-2012 The Argus reserves the right three robberies on Fountain Aveune, “There were a lot of items blood, they’ll have blood because of after a third blood drive was added, to edit all submissions for spell- that prompted the Office of Public taken from...the houses on people like you who donated.” and 355 pints in 2012-2013. The next ing, grammar and length as well as Safety (PSafe) and the Dean of Fountain,” Bostick said. “I be- However, for those like Diaz-Roa blood drives will be held on Oct. 16 withhold Wespeaks that are exces- Students Office to release a campus lieve it was Saturday night. [They who are unable to donate blood, there and 18 from 12 p.m. to 5 p.m. and sively vulgar or nonsensical. The safety announcement on Thursday, weren’t] exactly sure of what time. are a variety of other ways to contribute donors are encouraged to sign up in Wespeak editors will provide titles Sept. 26. We had a couple of houses, actu- to the blood drives. advance at redcrossblood.org with the for all submissions. Due to the vol- “The Dean of Students Office ally—they had the parties and “You can volunteer on the day of code “wesleyanu.” ume of mail received, neither pub- and the Office of Public Safety would all that, and I’m not sure if there lication nor return of submissions like to remind all students to not leave were open doors or windows or are guaranteed. Editorial offices are located your belongings unattended and to what happened.” at 45 Broad Street, Middletown. contact public safety if you see sus- Bostick noted that the hous- Email: [email protected] picious or concerning activity,” reads es were unsecured. the email from Dean of Students “Because of [Middletown Rick Culliton and Interim Director Day]—the big fair, the events visit us online at of PSafe Tony Bostick. “This past and all that—I think quite a wesleyanargus.com weekend there were a few incidents few people were just out hav- on campus that should remind us all ing a good time, and they might to take steps to protect our safety and have been a little lax in real- Corrections: An article issued on Tuesday, the safety of our community.” izing folks were kind of drift- Sept. 24 titled Food Fight: NYC Soda According to the email, a group ing around and stuff like that,” Ban indicated that the New York Court of non-University students ha- Bostick said. “Reports have been of Appeals struck down the NYC soda rassed and hit a University student filed, and we’ll be working with ban. Actually, the Appellate Division of at the corner of Church and High Middletown Police.” the New York State Supreme Court struck down the ban and Mayor Bloomberg ap- pealed the decision to the New York Court of Appeals. Furthermore, the phrase “The New York City law, should it be passed,” EMMA DAVIS/STAFF PHOTOGRAPHER should have read “The New York City law, Recycle this Argus! A blood drive info session held Thursday, Sept. 26 promoted the should it be upheld.” drives, which will occur on Oct. 16 and 18. FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 27, 2010 THE WESLEYAN ARGUS NEWS • 3 Roth Prompts PSafe: Finalists for Director Community for Participate in Open Forums Continued from front page New Ideas President Michael Roth explained the reasoning behind this shift. Stephanie Ling whether the suggestion could be “Last year, in listening to the stu- Assistant News Editor integrated into future plans. dents’ issues with Public Safety, and lis- “I’m excited to hear sug- tening to the response of Public Safety When President Michael Roth gestions from all sectors of the to those issues, I really felt we needed to first arrived at his position in 2007, Wesleyan community,” Director have more of student life incorporated he asked members of the University of Strategic Initiatives Charles into the process,” Roth said. “I really to brainstorm potential ideas for un- Salas wrote in an email to The thought that we ought to put Public dertakings and improvements that Argus. “I expect that asking com- Safety in an environment where stu- the campus community could work munity members to think about dents’ concerns would be primary, so toward. Six years later on Sept. 16, improving Wesleyan’s distinctive I asked [Dean Whaley] if he would be 2013, Roth sent an all-campus email educational experience by lever- willing to do that.” asking the community for ideas once aging its residential dimensions Whaley agreed with the decision, TESS MORGAN/NEWS EDITOR more. will help them to refine their noting that the shift would better align Dean Whaley introduces PSafe Director candidate Ken Collamore at “Despite extraordinarily dif- ideas further in light of this cru- PSafe with the student body. an open forum on Sept. 25 in PAC. ficult economic circumstances, we cial goal.” “I think that there are a number of took a number of those ideas and Salas will be one of several advantages to the change,” he said. “It of treating cases on an individual basis. Director of Public Safety at Bennington made them happen,” Roth wrote of people involved in both the selec- really puts the Public Safety function in Perrin also commented on how best to College, was the final candidate to his experiences in 2007. “We are still tion of ideas and the implementa- with the whole rest of the services and maintain a transparent office of Public visit campus on Wednesday, Sept. 25. working in constrained economic tion of the final proposals. offices that are here to provide a good Safety. Collamore compared his experiences conditions, but we’re in much better “This initiative reminds us and safe experience for students. We “It has to start at the top,” he said. at Bennington with the climate he ob- shape, and I’d like to encourage us that...we all have different roles hope that when a new director comes in, “There are core values that come with served during his day at Wesleyan. all to once again think innovatively, and responsibilities here, [and that they’ll develop a mission statement that…. There’s the human resource “I know last year was a difficult ambitiously about the future.” that] the Wesleyan community is and specific goals and that those will be tactic of getting the right people on the year; I heard that in today’s interactions According to Vice President something we build together each very much in line with the kind of mis- bus, and sometimes it’s hard to get the with people,” Collamore said. “What I of Student Affairs Michael Whaley, and every day,” Salas wrote. “I sion that we have in Student Affairs.” wrong people off the bus before you get did at Bennington is similar to what’s many of the accepted proposals from look forward to reading the pro- A string of incidents involving the right people on the bus. One of the happening here. I got to Bennington six years ago were related to academic posals and overseeing the imple- PSafe officers occurred last year, includ- core values is that you’re going to treat and there were similar circumstances. affairs, prompting the formation of mentation of some of them.” ing theft, voyeurism, and accusations of people as people.” There was a degree of mistrust and con- many of the University’s newer peda- Members of the WSA will racial profiling. Roth said that he hopes Additionally, Perrin described cerns regarding Public Safety and what gogical programs. work alongside the Office of the new director will be able to improve specific defects within the University’s they wanted to do and how to go about “When [Roth] first came, he Student Affairs to assess propos- PSafe’s relationship with the student public safety department and suggested doing it. And as I said all day, it is living was really asking for the community als. body. some possible improvements. and breathing connections and relation- to think about how we could ener- “It’s important to involve “We really need to have a bet- “I think there are some good staff ships with as many people as I encounter gize the educational experience, and students because we (students) ter dialogue, especially between stu- that are here, but unfortunately they’re with my work that [matter].” most of the proposals—not all of know what is working and what dents and Public Safety,” Roth said. “... buried under all the bad stuff,” Perrin Collamore described his vision of them—that he received at the time isn’t working,” wrote Chair There’s always going to be some tension, said. “I think that because of a lack of what community policing should look were strictly academic focused,” of the WSA’s Student Affairs because there’s an enforcing dimension transparency and openness within the like and said he hopes to build a sense Whaley said. “The proposal for Committee Kate Cullen ’16 in when Public Safety gets involved with department and a lack of some basic of camaraderie between officers and the the College of the Environment,… an email to the Argus. “We know students breaking rules, but a lot of the things like a mission statement, there community. Creative Campus Initiative,…and what programming requirements time it’s Public Safety helping students. are certain things that should be in the “You should never be made to feel some of the programs included in really hit home and which ones We just want to make sure that there’s core base of the department that need to that you’ve inconvenienced them in any the Allbritton Center for the Study could use some work. Residential enough trust there so that it works well. come out first.” way,” Collamore said. “Part of what for Public Life came out then; there life is at the center of commu- I think that’s going to be required for The second candidate to visit cam- community policing is, is us being grate- were really a whole different number nity development and fostering the new director.” pus, Joe Kirk, comes from the College ful to be in the position to help others, of proposals around largely interdis- a feeling of home at campus, so Whaley also highlighted the need of Wooster in Ohio, where he works and that should come across.” ciplinary courses.” I believe that it’s of the [utmost] for a new director who will foster a as the Associate Director of Security He stressed the importance of stu- For this round of idea submis- importance that students have a transparent, communicative environ- and Protective Services as well as the dent roles in the community, and how sions, Roth has asked the community positive residential experience.” ment. Director of Greek Life. Kirk stressed his students can aid PSafe in community to focus on residential features of stu- According to Chris Caines “I’ve been a very strong advocate goal of utilizing the knowledge of PSafe policing. dent life at the University. Proposals ’16, a member of the Student for folks who know a lot about commu- staff to benefit the campus. “There’s three thousand of you, and are to be sent by email and will be Affairs Committee and the nity policing and have been involved in “I believe very strongly that you that’s three thousand sets of eyes that can accepted until Nov. 1. Residential Advisor for the new that type of work,” Whaley said. “Really, have a good staff here,” Kirk said. “We participate in keeping the community “You’ll notice in the language Residential College Program, the that’s about building relationships and have some issues we need to address… safe, as simply as calling when a light is that he’s used this time [that] he’s re- atmosphere of student residences working hard at that every day.” but on the whole, they have their minds broken outside your dorm,” Collamore ally asking for people to spend time must promote exploration and Whaley emphasized that the can- in the right place. I think they know said. “Or if there’s a blue phone that’s thinking about how you energize and personal development that are didates up for the directorial position what this campus is about. You can’t not working or if you have a friend in enhance an on-campus, residential not usually offered in the class- are well aware of the problems that they, [work] here for so long, 17 years, 30 need. And feeling comfortable and safe learning experience,” Whaley said. room. Caines noted that Roth’s if selected, will need to address. years, and not know what this campus in reaching out to Public Safety to help Whaley cited the University’s initiative will be a good opportu- “We’ve been pretty up-front with is about. And so the community polic- you in whatever you need [is important]. new involvement in online courses as nity for students to participate in the candidates so that they know, and ing model would say that I would tap But also helping your friends when we’re a cause for wanting to concentrate on shaping their education. all of them have addressed in their open into their knowledge. I wouldn’t let a not there. No mathematician is needed and prioritize the experience of what “Most students spend about forum and during their interview panels new officer come aboard until that- of to know that, you, as students—not to an on-campus education should be 12 to 16 hours in classes each how they think about, how they react ficer who has been here and knows what put the burden on you—can take care of like. week, which leaves over 150 to, how they would try to move forward it’s about talks with him, educates him, the community.” “Wesleyan has been involved for hours for living and learning to from those incidents that happened last works with him.” The search committee for the new about a year now in online classes, occur outside of the classroom year,” Whaley said. Kirk also discussed his goal of be- Director of PSafe will met on Thursday, these MOOCS [massive open on- for most students,” Caines said. Dana Perrin, who visited campus ing an advocate for students and build- Sept. 26 to discuss the three finalists line classes] and so forth through “It is vital that residential com- on Wednesday, Sept. 18, was the first ing positive relationships with them. based on its members’ impressions and Coursera,” Whaley said. “I think munities be open and inviting candidate to participate in an open fo- “I hope that they can see us as feedback that Whaley has culled from that has the President thinking and spaces that foster an environment rum. Perrin has worked at the University people who can fight for their interests,” other attendees at the forums. wondering about the benefit of a where learning can continue to of Rochester for 28 years. Beginning Kirk said. “If they’re struggling with, “Hopefully we’ll know who our residential, educational experience.” take place outside of classrooms as an officer, he is now the Assistant say, the safety concerns that they have next director is going to be within a cou- Roth’s initiative not only in- so that the time spent beyond the Director of Public Safety at the school’s in their residence, [I hope] that they can ple of weeks,” Whaley said. “We would volves faculty and students in the classroom is time well-spent.” River Campus. Perrin emphasized the come to me or come to our department obviously like them to start as soon as process of submitting proposals, but According to Whaley, the importance of building relationships and talk about those issues. And so they possible, but it depends on how much also incorporates the efforts of ad- initiative will help improve stu- within a community as a first step - to can’t see us as someone who isn’t coming notice they need to give…. I’m hoping ministrators and students to review dents’ academic and residential ward addressing tensions on campus. to help them. I am starting that process; definitely that by the end of this semes- the suggestions. lives on campus and make their “One of the things that I’ve learned I am building that relationship.” ter we’ll have a new director here and in “What we’re planning initially educations more valuable and is that there is a want for a more commu- He stressed that he wants to rebuild place.” is that the faculty proposals will go well-rounded. nity-based model of interaction,” Perrin the trust between PSafe and the student After watching all of the candi- to Ruth Weissman, who’s the provost “I’ve long thought that we said. “One of the things I’ve been very body through individual interactions dates present, Public Safety Review in academic affairs, and she will get can do more to make the cur- successful at is building relationships and a sense of mutual respect. Committee member Scott Elias ’14 ex- a group together to look at those and ricular and co-curricular experi- between departments and staff....The “My conversation with that stu- pressed his satisfaction with the three fi- select some of the best ones,” Whaley ence more seamless and more easiest way to have a better professional dent, whether it be at 2 a.m.…or 2 p.m., nalists as well as his belief that the addi- said. “[President Roth] has asked me robust,” Whaley said. “This is relationship is to humanize yourself and should not be any different because I tion of any of them to PSafe’s staff would to do the same thing in conjunction really exciting for me to get the see others around you humanized, and don’t want to lose who they are,” Kirk benefit the community. with the WSA [Wesleyan Student best ideas from the community to have that relationship that they have said. “I don’t want to lose what I need “I do think that any of these candi- Assembly] for any proposals that and see what ideas we can glean with you trickle over to the rest of your and want from them. And I [lose] that dates would rise to the occasion,” Elias come from students.” from that process and how we staff. It makes for a very good solid base.” if I tick them off at two in the morning, said. “What happened last year was a Once ideas have passed through can move forward. It’s really ex- Perrin was asked about a number because whether they were drinking or tragedy, and in tragedy there is oppor- the initial round of assessment and citing to have an opportunity to of issues, ranging from racial profil- not, they’re going to remember it. And tunity, and I really do think that any the best ones are chosen, the pro- look at the best thinking of the ing and sexual assault to relations with what’s going to wind up happening, is of these candidates is really qualified to posers will be asked to expand on whole Wesleyan community on Middletown. On the matter of racial I’ve now lost them as an advocate.” rebuild the image and integrity of the their plans in an effort to determine this topic.” profiling, Perrin noted the importance Ken Collamore, currently the office.” 4 THE WESLEYAN ARGUS FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 27, 2013 opinion Cough, Down With Cough @horse_ebooks By Jenny Davis, Staff Writer By Philip Halin , Contributing Writer

It wasn’t until I found myself seeth- kari, a point I had passed 12 minutes after It’s impossible to explain to shut down for simply posting links Any discussion of the hoax per- ing over my reading, gripping my pen so the start of the noises. your friends what @horse_ebooks to ad content and perhaps hoping the petuated by the two gentlemen would hard that it was beginning to crack, and I entertained the notion of asking is if they aren’t already famil- vagaries of phrasing would provide be incomplete without talking about crunching up my vertebrae in fury, that I him to find another space to study, but I iar with it. In that way, it and its free SEO work, Kuznetzov set the ac- Gabrielle Dunn. Dunn is a writer understood the phrase “blind rage.” The wanted to spare his roommate, who I fig- many admirers have maintained counts to skim phrases, words, and who has contributed to the Daily guy in the back of Olin had been clearing ured dealt with the creature in the hours an informal sort of cult that, as letters from places all over the web. Dot, Cosmopolitan, New York Times his throat for three days straight—did he that I didn’t have to. I pictured this poor cults tend to do, created a divide. For the first few years of @horse_ Magazine, and others. She was also sleep there?—and I was in an all-out tizzy. soul, the roommate, lying awake in his bed On one side, you had people tat- ebooks’ growing fame, this was the one of the first to clue into the fact What nerve he had, releasing his germs at night, toes stiffened with rage and eyes tooing themselves with nonsense situation, and it meant that for every that Bakkila and Bender were running into the air with such vibrato! I had to take squiggly with burst blood vessels, listening phrases formatted like they were gem of a tweet, there were 4 or 5 or 20 the YouTube channel Pronunciation intentional ujjayi breaths to avoid passing to the nightly emissions issued forth by screenshots from Twitter; on the that were either unintelligible or just Book as well as @horse_ebooks. out in anger. his inconsiderate beast of a living partner. other, people who looked at their not funny. The audience was certainly Way back in July, Dunn figured It began as a low rumbling in the This, I thought, was why people snapped. tattooed friends strangely and be- there, however; t-shirts and tattoos out that Bakkila was the man behind back of his throat, but that was just the It’s not academic stress, or break-ups, or fi- gan to back away. of @horse_ebooks tweets had already the YouTube channel and confronted teaser for what followed. The sound made nancial troubles. It’s the coughing. For those in the know, starting springing up, which is prob- him with the knowledge. From there, the fine hairs on the back of my neck stand And this guy isn’t even the only one! though, @horse_ebooks was a ably what drew Bakkila and Bender he spun a huge web of lies to pre- up in tensed wrath, because I knew what There’s the girl who sniffles about 14 times never-ending source of amusement to it in the first place. By the time vent her from publishing the infor- was coming next: a huge, obnoxious, self- in a row every two minutes on the min- and conversation. In the interest Gawker contributor Adrian Chen mation; he called her on the phone indulgent “eh-heh-heh” that filled the ute, sucking mucus into her head with the of full disclosure, I had a favor- tracked down the actual Kuznetsov, and sobbed, begged, told her that entirety of Olin’s first floor, echoing off intensity of an industrial vacuum cleaner. ite @horse_ebooks tweet as my the boys from Buzzfeed had already if she outed him his life would end, its walls. I can still hear it perfectly in my “Go get a tissue!” I imagine shout- Facebook cover photo for months. had control of the account for months. both socially and literally. He spun head, either because I experienced it so ing, springing up in Olin and making a “Your girlfriend or boyfriend, This seems like bizarre drama in a stories about investors and company many times or because it was so horrifying tremendous scene. but you have no idea.” tiny subculture, right? Can’t we chalk take-overs, tens of thousands of dol- that it imprinted itself onto my brain. That’s not all I would do, either. I If you’re up on your niche this up to the silliness of those who lars exchanged and lost. He recruited It isn’t that I require perfect silence to have visions of myself knocking laptops off Internet drama, you may have seen spend too much time online and move her friends in the stand-up world to work—and if I did, then it would be fully the desks of people whose music is playing some flailing about @horse_eb- on to talking about lit football games reinforce his story. Against her jour- my responsibility to seek out that haven. I loud enough to hear it despite their head- ooks authorial revelations. That or the impending chill in the air? nalistic instincts, Dunn delayed going do appreciate a mild hum of low chatter phones; sending papers of hackers and is because, as I am sad to an- No, actually. public. and people plunking lightly on the keys of chronic coughers into flurries; and empty- nounce, Sept. 25, 2013 marked The Internet is junk. A majority Fast-forward to today. their laptops. The occasional purring of a ing pencil cases over the fingers of people the death of @horse_ebooks. It of the Internet is composed of useless Everything Bakkila was spinning printer is nice as well—even therapeutic who use those appendages to tap private turns out that the silly little ran- data. Only a small portion, the web we has turned out false, and his campaign and reminiscent of a womb. rhythms on the table. dom Twitter account was in fact experience, is different, and that por- of emotional manipulation appears to But not the coughing. Or the throat “Unless it’s Morse code, I don’t want a piece of online performance art, tion is overrun with another kind of have been a deliberate, targeted one. clearing. Anything but the throat clearing. to hear it!” I would holler. a preamble piece to a sort of ARG junk, that which is created by humans Many of Dunn’s friends are, in fact, Olin, though not pin-drop silent, Maybe this rage I feel is a symptom (Alternative Reality Game) by two at keyboards with more time on their involved in this grand art installation. should be held to the standard library of being around too many people all the Buzzfeed employees, Jacob Bakkila hands than brains in their heads. The According to Dunn, her friends have decorum of relative noiselessness. A few time. The showers in 200 Church are see- and Thomas Bender, called Bear charm of @horse_ebooks was the im- mocked her since the news broke, and coughs and sneezes are acceptable when through; there are people in every room Stearns Bravo. possibly optimistic belief that some- it seems likely that Bakkila was in it to brought on by a mild passing allergen, I enter, no matter what; even Olin is If my biases aren’t already ap- how a little poorly-conceived market- humiliate her the whole time. but in my book, people with whooping polluted by the streptococcus virus. The parent, I am in the negative camp ing algorithm, in the hunt for better Take from that what you will. cough ought to stay home. And that’s for library is a precious space. It belongs to on this news. In fact, the more I spam, could create gems of beautiful I take from it a confirmation of my altruistic reasons as well as selfish ones; in- every individual brain working in one learn about the project, the more poetry, art in chaos. prior opinion: this whole thing stinks. fecting every surface he came into contact physical space but variant mental ones; frustrated I become. The bril- Finding out that the past two If you believe that an editor of a Koch with was another crime I pitted against our bodies are grounded in community, liance of @horse_ebooks was never years of @horse_ebooks have been de- brothers-owned link-bait site that the hacker. This crime I wielded self-righ- but our minds are free to roam the ex- purely in its content; it was the un- liberately manufactured is like getting steals other people’s content is some- teously, with the full authority of belong- pansive halls of thought. It feels like an derstanding that the content came a hilarious drunk text from a friend, how a man of artistic integrity and ing to the Wesleyan community. assault when that peaceful coexistence is about through chance. giggling about it all night, and find- vision, then I would like a turn with But let’s get back to the real misde- disturbed. Indeed, prior to 2011, when ing out the next morning that the those rose-colored glasses when you’re meanor: disturbing the peace. When it’s This is all to say that my vehemence Bakkila and Bender purchased @ friend was stone-sober and just play- done. Are they prescription? going on for days, these guttural noises is probably misdirected, and that I owe an horse_ebooks, it was owned by a ing drunk to get you to appreciate his If you believe, as I do, that this become simply selfish. This particular per- apology to the unlucky, afflicted person Russian spammer by the name of humor. Those who defend Bakkila illustrates a tragic loss of innocence, son held nothing back, either, emitting his who had a phlegm-filled throat all this Alexey Kuznetsov. Kuznetsov had and Bender’s actions as artistic don’t and that while others may yearn for strangled gurgle at full volume. He seemed week. Maybe I should buy him some sym- programmed the algorithm that understand that self-defeating concep- the days of their youth you will forev- to be totally unaware, or perhaps he didn’t pathy lozenges from Weshop. ran @horse_ebooks and its sibling tual art has no relevance. When you er yearn for the days before you heard care, that people could hear him. I looked On second thought, I think that the accounts with the goal of redirect- have two link-bait writers sitting at @horse_ebooks was fake, I thank you around helplessly at my fellow studiers, sounds of him sucking and slurping the ing potential customers to websites their desks composing fake random- for fighting the good fight. but aside from a few people wearily mas- drops might just drive me over the edge. where he sold e-books clustered ness, the whole thing crumbles. saging their temples or putting in ear buds, around the theme of the Twitter You might think I’m being too Halin is a member of the class of nobody else seemed ready to commit hari- Davis is a member of the class of 2017. account. In order to avoid being hard on Bakkila and Bender. I’m not. 2016.

has beaten them by more. For fans that play. You could tell me Gibson slashed up didn’t realize Wesleyan is coming off a tie the middle, stiff-arming a linebacker be- Wesleyan Sports for fourth in the conference and pushed fore bouncing out to the right sideline, or undefeated Trinity to overtime, welcome you could tell me he took a toss and shook to the NESCAC elite. off a couple of would-be tacklers before For now, we have to wait a week breaking into a sprint; I wouldn’t know ei- Fandom After 52-9 before we can see the Cardinal and Black ther way. He was already blowing through By Josh Cohen, Opinion Editor again. Wes is travelling to Hamilton and the secondary by the time I caught sight of will likely return with a 2-0 record. Outside him. Before that, I was howling at the top For something that is so thoroughly some deeper truth about the action. Most again, and again, and again, and 52 points of another event like Homecoming, how- of my lungs, jumping up and down with defined through numbers and statistics, people just glance at the scoreboard in later, the default pessimistic outlook was in ever, are the fans going to be there to cheer my section of the stands as we sang the sports are surprisingly subjective from a passing and maybe check the win-loss col- complete flux. on the team? In all likelihood, the majority bass line to Seven Nation Army. We had fan’s perspective. The box score can never umns, if they even pay that much atten- That offensive performance was the won’t, which is really a shame for the few the ball up 17-7 at that point. We chanted tell us the whole story, of course. Sure, we tion. Others still go solely on reputation, greatest in team history. The box score that still will. and celebrated with neighbors and strang- could view sports like dismal scientists and taking secondhand accounts of a team looks just as impressive as the live on- On paper, Wesleyan’s first drive of ers. We were being fans. As Gibson ran to- shut out any confounding factors, reach- and turning them into ill-formed opinions slaught did. Wesleyan’s running attack the second quarter reads as such: one play, ward us, Jumbos receding behind him, we ing conclusions free of the bias that comes based on no experiences of their own. gashed its way through the Tufts defense 14 seconds, 85 yards, touchdown. Even in grew even louder. Subjectively, objectively, from actually watching the games. But the Prior to Saturday, Sept. 21, that’s at will, while Jesse Warren ’15 gave the print, you can tell this is when Tufts lost all whatever, it was the greatest feeling I’ve context behind the data is essential. After why many people at Wesleyan didn’t Cardinals a potent aerial offense, a rarity in hope, but it was even more obvious from ever had watching Wesleyan sports. all, sports are first and foremost a form of think our football team was that good. Division III football. After the first touch- the bleachers. As Kyle Gibson ’15 broke Based on what I saw and based on diversion and entertainment; as a specta- The lights of the night game attracted down of the game, the Cardinal defense away from the defense and sprinted into what the numbers say, I believe this team tor, compelling action on the field should otherwise ambivalent students like moths, battered around the Jumbos, consistently the end zone, he left behind at least three will be great again. I hope the spectators’ matter more than an empirical schematic hovering around Andrus Field wondering stonewalling them and shutting them out Jumbos trailing in his wake. He didn’t ex- experience under the lights brings them of a team on paper. what all the hubbub was about. When for the final 57 minutes of play. actly pull away from them, either; some- back to watch winning football in the sun. Yet the disappointing truth behind Tufts marched down the field and scored Wesleyan put on a clinic in nearly where around the 25-yard line, the life Either way, 52-9 will live on in the record most sports fandoms is actually simpler on the first possession of the game, some every facet of the game and was too domi- seemed to drain from them. They sagged books and in our memories, evidence that and more problematic than a battle be- rolled their eyes, implying this poor play is nant for anyone to consider it a fluke, and fell away. Gibson powered in for the for one night, we were great, team and tween subjectivity and objectivity; both what they expected from Wesleyan sports; even if it was Tufts’ 24th consecutive loss; score with a full head of steam, and the fans. provide incomplete portraits on their own, more were just being inattentive. Then in the Jumbos’ three-year run of futility, crowd roared all around him. but at least they’re both trying to divine the Cardinals scored. Then they scored only Amherst, a perennial powerhouse, I did not see the beginning of the Cohen is a member of the class of 2014. FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 27, 2013 THE WESLEYAN ARGUS OPINION • 5 Embracing Our N.Y.: Juvenile @horse_ebooks Overlords Courts By Claire Bradach, Executive Editor By Olivia Alperstein, Staff Writer “Did you hear about @horse_eb- and disbelief. has written another string of words. I spent this summer working for The toward juvenile delinquents and that ooks? Can you believe it?” “This is incredibly disappointing. The disillusionment people feel as a Legal Aid Society in Manhattan. Legal judge’s opinion regarding the role of the I’ve had several conversations in Indeed, it’s crushing. Some self-satisfied result of this revelation could spark a Aid provides legal services for those who judicial system in discouraging crime or the past few days that have followed this clever NYers bought and ruined a great new wave of cynicism about material cannot afford to hire a private attorney. I reforming offenders, a juvenile offender script. Unlike those of some other people, thing. A Great Thing,” one commenter online, and I would argue that that’s worked as an investigator intern in the ju- may in fact face harsher discipline than however, my answers to those questions on the New Yorker article wrote. a good thing. venile rights practice, working in the field an adult offender, especially for politi- are yes and yes. Maybe I have an anach- Wait. Wasn’t it people like the very It also makes more sense on on behalf of children and their families. cally stigmatized crimes such as drug- ronistic belief in the prevailing power and self-satisfied clever NYers who made @ logical and historical levels that a When I saw an op-ed in The New York related offenses. On the other hand, if creativity of humans. Maybe it’s because horse_ebooks the sensation it was? Are human produced all the tweets. It Times urging New York State to institute a judge or prosecutor has a particularly I don’t understand what a spambot is. we to decry the whole enterprise now hearkens back to Dada’s embrace of juvenile courts, I felt sick at heart, because progressive view regarding family court But in any case, after the initial shock, I that it has been revealed to be art at best, the random, to the Futurist efforts I know how much a trial can impact a and juvenile delinquents, that may pave found that I thought that not only did advertising at worst, and in any case, not to replicate the machine in art, and child’s life. the way for consideration of special pro- it make sense that @horse_ebooks was the work of a robot? Why would people to the Surrealist impulse to explore As an investigator intern, I worked grams or services in lieu of a harsher sen- a promotional performance piece, but I be happier if this wealth of content were the subconscious and psychological with children of low-income households tence. thought it was actually pretty ingenious. created by a machine instead of a person? worlds. We’ve seen these trends in whose complicated, sometimes disturbing, A court conviction, especially a fel- To go back a step, @horse_ebooks Maybe we were happy to imag- art before, and I don’t think this is all family circumstances contributed a great ony conviction, negatively impacts a per- is a Twitter handle that, up to this week, ine that a robot could reach the level of that different. The love we have for deal to the cases at hand. Legal Aid repre- son’s chances of obtaining access to higher was assumed to produce its random, sophistication that would enable it to the randomness of the machine can sents both children accused of crimes and education, a decent job, good housing, nonsensical, but oddly entertaining and evoke amusement or contemplation in be best represented by the creative hu- children who are alleged victims of crimes, loans, and other important opportunities profound materials through the use of an humans. Maybe we were entertained by man mind. and it works closely with the courts and that can greatly impact a person’s success automated spambot. The random strings the meaning we thought we were pulling Even if it is advertising, I think other agencies to set up services that im- in life. At Wesleyan, we represent a wide of text were supposed to be phrases of from the meaningless. it’s brilliant. I think it absolutely prove quality of life and health as well as array of students whose perspectives al- existing published material taken out of I am not that surprised to learn that makes sense for this specific mo- address penal issues. That said, each case ways enrich any discussion or interaction context to avoid the detection of the ac- the content of @horse_ebooks was cre- ment in the history of humans and often exposes multiple issues, and the solu- on campus. I know several people who count as a provider of promotional links ated by a human. It was about time that technology. It gathered its audience tions the court is willing and able to pro- almost didn’t make it into our university, to websites that sell e-books. someone decided to trouble the bound- and grabbed people’s attention in a vide do not always completely address all and from my interactions with some of the “Everything happens so much,” aries between chaos and order, between perfect and viral way, which is an area those factors. people I met through Legal Aid, I know “Why you should think twice about fact and fiction, in the context of emerg- in which advertising can struggle. In theory, we should already have several people who would have greatly painting the walls in your house any- ing technology. We are still learning how It’s a perfect catalyst event to make juvenile courts by now; in function, fam- benefited from and contributed to our thing,” and “Discussion,” are some ex- to interpret the vast amount of unintel- us question the relationship we have ily court is supposed to specifically deal university. amples of @horse_ebooks tweets. ligible information that exists online, to robots, to technology, and to art. with cases involving children and families. I know that it is virtually impossible On Tuesday, these seemingly mean- and this is forcing us to realize our own It shakes the expectations we have Family court, loosely defined, constitutes to guarantee one’s constitutional right to ingless phrases were given slightly more ability to be manipulated. People have for each other and for technology. It a separate judicial body that deals with a fair trial given all the discrepancies and meaning when Buzzfeed employee long since realized that nothing on the has already brought up discussions of everything from custody proceedings to problems within our flawed judicial sys- Jacob Bakkila revealed that the whole Internet can be taken for granted, but why we are disappointed in a human child welfare to PINS (Persons In Need tem, but it is clear that children do not project was part of an extended perfor- perhaps we were becoming complacent endeavor, what selling out means, of Supervision) to delinquency trials for think like adults and should not face the mance piece along with Thomas Bender’s and not scrutinizing phenomena like this and how much we should consider youths who are judged to be juvenile as same penalties for their actions. As young- Pronunciation Book, another previously enough. We know that certain too-good- the intention of the artist when expe- opposed to adult offenders. Under New er people, they deserve an opportunity to anonymous Internet sensation. The to-be-true Youtube videos are indeed riencing art. York law, anyone under age 16 can be au- reenter society with an improved under- next step of their project, according to just that, but why aren’t we more cynical The event should spark a wave tomatically designated as a juvenile, and standing of the consequences of their ac- The New Yorker, will be an interactive- when it comes to text? of cynicism and disillusionment with therefore have a right to special proceed- tions, and they have a greater chance of video art piece called Bear Stearns Bravo, If anything, we have less reason to the Internet and a renewed belief in ings that theoretically take into account learning from their mistakes. They also a phrase which is also the content of believe the written word online—and, the power of people, and I think that’s their youth in the trial and sentencing have a greater portion of their futures the last tweet from the @horse_ebooks for that matter, in print—as the only a beautiful thing. processes. Young people over the age of ahead of them. Twitter account. information we get is a string of words 16 face significant obstacles in obtaining I am now very familiar with the New The discourse on the subject has that we assume to be a name, and that Bradach is a member of the class of juvenile delinquent status, especially if the York State and New York City sentencing generally been one of disappointment we accept the person behind that name 2015. crimes constitute serious offenses. guidelines, and relatively minor offenses In re Gault, 387 U.S. 1 (1967), the often translate to years in prison, years United States Supreme Court ruled that which are particularly formative in a young all juveniles have the same right to due person’s development. We are far from an process as adults in the case of delinquency ideal solution regarding how best to house proceedings, including the right to coun- youth offenders and what programs and sel and the right to confront witnesses. services to assign them. We need to de- However, many states disagree as to what velop a better procedure by which to judge extent children should be tried as adults whether a youthful offense merits time in and at what age they should be judged prison or in a halfway house under super- adults and held liable for their actions as vision. Establishing a special juvenile court adults. In many cases, even when there are would go a long way toward improving special provisions for cases involving a ju- trial procedures for juveniles. venile defendant, a judge has discretion as to how the trial proceeds. Alperstein is a member of the class of Depending upon a judge’s attitude 2014.

Women in STEM Day! (Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math) Events include panels with alumni and faculty, keynote speaker Nóirín Plunkett, and a networking reception. Friday, Oct. 11 12-6 p.m. Lunch will be provided. For more info and to register for all or part of the event, contact Karen Warren at [email protected]. 6 THE WESLEYAN ARGUS FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 27, 2013 features

Stage. The play was called “Dead Sharks,” playwriting, [which] I haven’t done since and they just said, “Apply.” So I applied William Dubbs and it was about a guy and a girl going on freshmen year. and I got offers from Ohio, Colorado, a date and what’s going through the guy’s I’m just trying to make the most Florida, and I decided on Florida. It was H ’14 mind on the date. It was a lot of fun to of my senior year, because you see so a tough decision. I love being at school H H HH do, a lot of fun to write, and a lot of fun many people going out of senior year and more than anything ever, so it was very H H to be part of the process. they’re like, “Fuck, I wish I could have tough to turn that down and throw myself H It was just in this tiny New York done more. I just smoked pot all of senior into another world, but it ended up okay. H H year.” City theater—which is now a converted haunted house, I saw the other day, it A: What have you not yet done here that was really funny. There’s this festival and A: You said you had an idea of what you you’re looking forward to in your last I submitted to it and it got accepted, and wanted to do after college. What’s your year? WesCeleb it was an absolutely amazing experience. plan? WD: I’ve always wanted to be part of a We sold out a couple of nights. It was a WD: I want to go into political cam- band, yet I have no musical talent, so I’m lot of fun. paigns. I’m actually graduating in techni- not really sure how that’s going to play cally seven semesters, because I dropped out. We’ll see. It hasn’t stopped people By Gabe Rosenberg people through that. I’m involved in the A: And now you’re going to force yourself out of school my junior fall, because that before. Assistant Features Editor theater community at Wesleyan. I’m do- to write a play in a day? June, I moved to Florida to work for I’m also in a stand-up comedy group ing a scene for a class and I did one two WD: I’m going to force myself to write the Obama campaign. I worked for the as well, called Punchline, so I definitely William Dubbs ’14 wants to try years ago, and I’m also writing one for the a play in a day. I’m very excited. It will campaign as a paid staffer, and I ran the want to do more stand-up. I was actually everything. In his last year at Wesleyan, 24-hour plays this weekend, and I wrote involve probably a lot of energy drinks, voter turnout operation in this small city thinking the other day that I have to do rather than working on a thesis or a fi- a play that was in Second Stage freshman which I’m thoroughly excited about. The in Florida, which was a really incredible more stand-up. It’s really fun being part nal project, he plans to dive into every year. Government’s my major; I do a lot 24-hour play process seems just like a re- experience and something I found very of this collective; you can just roll up to bit of campus life he’s always wanted but of Government-related things. I also am ally cool idea, and it’s really competitive fulfilling and found was a bunch of my open mics and be like, “Okay, I’m gonna never had the time to try out. He hopes a TA for a QAC [Quantitative Analysis to get a spot, you just have to be very interests. I’m going to try and continue do some time.” It’s really fun. And, again, to make the most of his last year at the Center] class, and I guess I do pride my- good at sending emails very quickly. doing political campaigns and specifically I have no musical talent, but I like to per- University, especially after taking a se- self in knowing a lot of people around Luckily, I have that skill. grassroots campaigning on the ground form at open mics, so I’m not gonna be mester off in his junior year to work. campus, and I really like that. and engaging with communities. one of those kids with a guitar. Dubbs talked to The Argus about A: You’re a senior, so do you have any his experience working for the Obama A: Tell me about your theater interests. final year projects, theses, or anything A: Do you think your experience, putting A: Anything else you want to say about campaign in Florida, taking part in a How’d you get into playwriting and in- you’re working towards or planning to everything into this campaigning, helped yourself? New York theater festival, and his goals volved with it on campus? do? you figure out what you wanted to do WD: Being a WesCeleb is like a dream for this coming year. WD: When I was a freshman, I took WD: Not really, and I think that’s the and how to get there? come true, honestly. I don’t know if you an introduction to playwriting class. It beautiful part of it. You see so many WD: I’m very lucky, at an early stage in want to hear a secret, but I was wait-listed The Argus: What makes you a WesCeleb? was an amazing class and I met some of people do senior years where they have my life, to have some sort of sense and at Wesleyan. I wrote a letter to the Dean William Dubbs: When you’re a fresh- my best friends, some people I even live so many things on their bucket list. The find something that I really care about of Admissions—Nancy, beautiful wom- man and you read the Argus and you with, in that class. And we all had to write thing is, I kind of have an idea of what job and really enjoy doing, and I get a sense an—and I wrote a letter to her being like, see WesCelebs, I feel like everyone al- a play, and I did a lot of theater in high I’m going to do after college. Wesleyan is of efficacy out of it. I did it, and it was just “If you don’t accept me to this school, ways wants to be a WesCeleb. It’s kind school, so I was just interested in seeing such a gift that I just want to make sure something I found I was good at and very I will go on a murder spree….” I don’t of like, the Wesleyan Dream is to be a what playwriting was like, and I wrote this every single day I do something different much enjoyed, and it’s what I want to do know what I said, actually. I was just like, WesCeleb. “What do I have to do to be play and my teacher thought it was really and do something cool with it. after college. “I need to go to this school. This is the a WesCeleb?” I guess I’m almost dumb- good and encouraged me to do things So I’ve been doing a lot of things Some people go abroad and it’s school where I will become a real human founded, I don’t even know. with it. that I’ve never done before, getting a like, that’s [their] vacation; my vaca- being, a person that I want to be. And not I got invited to perform it in a tiny part of clubs or classes or getting more tion is Wesleyan. I came from a job, and going to this school is not in the cards, A: What do you do around campus? little theater in New York City that Wes involved in student leadership positions. [now] I get to relax and make the most of I don’t even accept that as a possibility.” WD: I’m in a fraternity, AEPi, which students performed in and directed, and Like getting trained to walk people from Wesleyan. It’s helped my Wesleyan expe- And, thank god, I got accepted off the is awesome—you meet a lot of great then it was performed again on Second their car to an abortion clinic, so they rience as a whole. waitlist. So every day at Wesleyan, every don’t feel uncomfortable walking near single day, is like a goddamn gift for me. protestors. I’m going to be pledge mas- A: How did you come across the job, and All I want to do is make the most of ter for the fraternity, to help young kids what did people think of it? every single minute I have here, because grow into adults through the process. WD: I worked in New Hampshire as the leaving here is going to suck. That’s why I’m taking film classes; I’ve never taken equivalent of an intern the summer be- I love being a WesCeleb, because I feel a film class at Wesleyan, I felt like it was fore, and I excelled at that.... I was recom- like I really appreciate what Wesleyan has time. I’m going to be part of this scene, mended for a position as a field organizer, given me. Renaissance: Jewish Fellows Foster Spiritual Community Continued from front page “My klezmer group will be providing For their part, the Fellows said they some awesome live music, and using fund- found the experience valuable because programs focusing on different aspects of ing from my Cowl grant, I’ll be bringing it allowed them to take a leadership role Jewish culture in order to reach as many up world-renowned Yiddish dance leader on campus by getting deeply involved in students as possible. They organize the Steve Weintraub to lead dancing for all a community that is important to them. freshman Shabbat service and barbecue event participants. Combined with nor- “It’s nice to get to work so close- that takes place the first Friday after first- mal Shabbat services and dinner, this is ly…with a small group of people,” year students arrive, which Teva said gives truly a collaborative event that incorpo- Blumenstock said. “It’s been really nice students a relaxing and fun activity after rates pretty much all of my programming meeting the freshmen and engaging them three days of all-new experiences. The roles. Hopefully, this will be the first of and telling them about Jewish life on cam- Fellows also planned an event with s’mores many klezmer music and dancing events pus and answering any questions they at the Bayit on the first day of classes. throughout the year.” have.” “It’s great to really be at the center of In addition, the Jewish Programming Fellows have the option to ap- Jewish life on campus,” Stein said. Coordinator position was recently added ply for a stipend after they complete the After orientation, Fellows continue to the program. Rebecca Koppel ’14, who program, with the intended purpose of to plan events, design t-shirts each year, and currently fills the role, said that the job was furthering their personal spiritual develop- expand previous offerings. Blumenstock created after a period of relative lack of ment through traveling, attending outside said she hoped to create more Chanukah Jewish programming. events, or embarking on a creative en- events, which were scarce last year. “I went abroad in the fall in my junior deavor. Programs like the brunch in the year, and when I came back I noticed that Overall, Teva sees the program as a Sukkah will also continue into the semes- there wasn’t as much programming going success on a variety of levels. He is able to ter, as Fox looks forward to organizing on,” Koppel said. “I talked to the Rabbi give the JRFs the resources they need to more outdoor spiritual events. to see what I could do, and that’s how step up and create the kind of environ- “In the future I will be running a my position of the Jewish Programming ment they and their peers want when it Shabbat walk with a picnic and a relaxed Coordinator came about; we decided that comes to Jewish life on campus. service in the woods,” Fox wrote in an there needed to be one point person.” “[I’m a] cheerleader, motivational email to The Argus. “I like being outside Koppel works directly with Teva and empowerer,” Teva said. “My role is to say and I like picnics. I think nature is also a helps facilitate communication between that you’re not first-year students any- fitting and exciting place for religious or him, the Fellows, and the Jewish commu- more—if you care about Jewish student spiritual gathering.” nity as a whole. life, how can you prioritize it? It’s to give Stein plans to focus his events around Teva said he found the JRF program them a context and a structure, albeit a instrumental Jewish music and Yiddish extremely helpful as it allows him to work loose one, to take on a leadership posi- culture. He founded a klezmer group on with students like Koppel and the Fellows, tion in a fluid way that they will personal- campus last year, and he hopes it will ex- who know what activities might interest ize, to create Jewish life here. It’s a way to pose students to a wider range of Jewish their peers. empower them to take ownership, agency, music. “They provide me with some really and responsibility to become leaders.” “I’m planning a Simchat Torah ex- helpful specifics as to what’s the pulse of travaganza this Friday, September 27,” the community, what the students need,” Additional reporting by Staff Writer Naomi Stein wrote in an email to The Argus. he said. Kosman-Wiener. FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 27, 2013 THE WESLEYAN ARGUS features • 7 roving reporter If you could create any program house, what

would it be? By Adam Keller ’14

“Pet House.” “Camp.” “Kickball/Beanbag Chair House.” Locke Alexander ’14 Ethan Hoffman ’14 Daniel Wittenberg ’16

“Strip Poker House?” “Gingerbread House.” “Tree House.” Kiley Rossetter ’17 Anna Flurry ’17 Kamilah O’Connor ’17 Magical Mystery Tour

tion, since it’s only the two of us—yeah, ments, one can be assured that each attending performances at the CFA. women in 1911. People say the women Reimagining A I also thought that the tense-looking of the other 18 students in hir class is Now we’re passing by Allbritton— were making the men look bad. When girl in the skirt suit and clogs might be enthusiastic about being there. yeah, isn’t it pretty?—and heading up you go into Freeman, you see the pic- Prefrosh Visit here for the tour, but it turned out she’s We have nine hundred courses toward Olin. It’s got 1.3 million physi- tures on the walls of all the teams, By Jenny Davis just having an interview. each semester and 44 majors, and 100 cal volumes, but if that’s not enough right? Up until the 1970s, when we Staff Writer I guess I should start by telling percent of classes are taught by profes- reading material for you, we have an started admitting women, everybody’s you a little bit about myself. I’m a ma- sors. They really just want to get to interlibrary loan system with Trinity scowling. In the 1970s, everybody’s Ever since wrapping up the college jor in two impressive things, and I’m know you and know what makes you College in Hartford and Connecticut happy! process last year (if memory serves, that also a member of four sports clubs and tick. Here at Wesleyan, our professors College down in New London. Hey, you, walking out of Bennet: included ceremoniously recycling the three publications here on campus. won’t only take you out for fair-trade No, actually, the library isn’t open Could you possibly let us in? Someone enormous packets of information that Right now we’re walking through the coffee; they’ll bake you seitan hash in a 24 hours because, as I was saying, it’s was supposed to give me a key card, accumulated in my desk drawer over the Center for the Arts—we affectionately pit in their backyard. really important here to get out, get to but either they didn’t put it back, or— previous two years), I’ve tried to block out refer to it as the CFA—and I know it The Memorial Chapel hasn’t been know your classmates, or get involved oh, you have to get to football practice. the trivia-packed tours, tedious informa- looks like LEGO buildings, but you’ll affiliated with any particular religious with Middletown. No problem. We’ll see if someone on tion sessions, and awkward interviews grow to love it. organization since 1911, when the This is Exley, the science center. the other side can help us. I’ll keep of my past. But when I walked into the I think that something like 40 University broke from the Methodist Wesleyan is considered one of the best, talking breezily so we can pretend that Office of Admission this Wednesday pos- percent of graduates have taken dance Church. Now, the Chapel’s biggest if not the best, liberal arts colleges in didn’t happen. People here at Wesleyan ing as a prospective student, it all came classes. We have a real spirit of inclu- event is Wesleyan Thinks Big. It’s like science. And that’s because of our 300 are just so friendly. rushing back. The business casual. The sivity here at Wesleyan. Me? No, I’ve our version of TED Talks. graduate students: we’re eligible for We’ll just pass briefly by the ob- hefty course catalogues on display. The never taken a dance class, but one of Judd Hall was the first building research grants, but because they’re servatory. Amherst built theirs a few quiet mood music playing softly in the my friends was in West African Dance at Wesleyan devoted to undergraduate so few in number, many of those re- years before we did, and because we’re background. I created a high-school alias last semester. She said it was amazing. research. Yeah, it’s pretty, right? It’s a sources trickle down. If calculus makes so mature, when we built ours we made and filled out a small blue card, and then Right now we’re crossing Wyllys symbol of continuing education here you want to break out in hives, you the telescopes two inches bigger. That’s my tour was off. It was a quiet day, and I Avenue—the cars always stop for pe- at Wesleyan. A funny story, actually: can take advantage of our science and an oft-overlooked method to choose a was the only “pre-frosh.” What follows is destrians here; everyone is so friend- Professor Atwater was working in the math courses for non-majors. college: by telescope size. a sub-textual, unofficial transcript of my ly—and we’ll be continuing along basement of Judd Hall, trying to deter- Over there? That’s Pi Café. I re- Oh, so yeah, this is Foss Hill. “campus visit.” College Row. This is where the class mine the nutritional content of beer. ally think they should start selling pie Right now it’s Foss weather, so you’ll Are you here for the 3:00 tour? deans’ offices are. They’re here to be In doing this, he actually stumbled for three dollars and 14 cents, just as a see a lot of people reading or napping Yeah, no problem, the tour will leaders, counselors, and even parental upon the discovery of the food calo- novelty item—it’s a lot for a piece of out here. Once I saw a guy roll up the start in a few minutes. Go ahead— figures. One of my friends was really rie. So when you’re eating something pie, but I’d buy it. hill. It was actually pretty impressive— take a look at the pamphlets and in- sick one semester and missed a bunch and see the calorie content, you have Here are the senior houses. As and in the spirit of fun, of course. formation sheets artfully arranged on of work. So she met with her dean to Wesleyan’s own Professor Atwater to a rule of thumb, anything with a red No illegal substances were involved, the mahogany table. While you’re at make a game plan for catching up. thank—or blame. [Pause for laughter.] door is Wesleyan-owned. Look, this because here at Wesleyan we respect it, have some water and make yourself When she went back at her dorm room Now seems like a good time to is really nice: it’s like living in a little Connecticut state law. comfortable. Here at Wesleyan, we’re later that night, there was a care pack- mention our engagement with the Wesleyan suburbia, only without the I’ll invite you to fill out one of really into water. And comfort. Oh, age with chicken soup and tea waiting Middletown Community because I SUVs and labradoodles. the cards once we get back to the and fill out one of these blue cards— for her. [Meaningful pause.] hear sirens, and you might be getting When did Wesleyan go co-ed? Admissions office. If you liked the tour, it’s just so we can keep track of your On to standard academic details. nervous. You might have noticed that That’s actually a funny story—and I’m again my name is Tour Guide, and if information. The average class size is 19, though Wesleyan is an open campus, with no prepared to acknowledge and honor it you didn’t like the tour, my name is [Prospective Student Barbara there are often fewer students in class- gates or fences. Middletown residents in order to move past it. We were origi- Other Tour Guide. [Pause for laugh- Bass. High School X, Class of 2014.] es. Because of the open curriculum and can be seen walking their dogs, taking nally co-ed—it was “Wesleyan’s Great ter.] Thanks so much for visiting with This will be more of a conversa- lack of formal distribution require- advantage of the open gym hours, or Experiment”—but started excluding us. Best of luck in the college process. 8 THE WESLEYAN ARGUS FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 27, 2013 arts . . This is…Icona Pop, And “I The Idiot Box Love It” Is An Understatement Futurama By Meghan Nayyar is the kind of upbeat song that gets By Charles Martin Staff Writer Staff Writer stuck in your head the first time you hear it, and it reminded me of early Swedish duo Icona Pop released Lady Gaga. Despite simplicity of mu- Earlier this month, Futurama was cancelled for the second time in its (al- its second studio album, titled This sicality and repetition of lyrics, there’s most) 14 year run, one which included eight seasons and four TV movies. As a Is…Icona Pop, this week, and I could a perfect mix of self-confidence and fan of the show since its onset in 1999, I remember the major sense of emptiness say “I love it,” but that would be a attitude, as the song proclaims that that came from experiencing my first ever cancellation when I watched the first complete understatement. I want this it’s “So good to be me.” I particularly final episode (it sounds sad I know, but I was nine at the time). album to be my personal soundtrack dig the breakdown in the bridge, dur- This time around, however, it seems like the show has embraced its second that blasts as I strut down Foss in slow ing which the girls croon out “Hope I death with a sense of bitter-sweet conclusion, rather than a cut to black. motion. The album is packed with feel like this forever,” which I see as a For those who aren’t entirely informed on the show’s history, it was originally memorable hooks, simple but driving perfect representation of the album’s cancelled after its fourth season in 2003, largely due to a time slot jumble on Fox’s beats, and takes female empowerment theme and the band in general. part. From there, it followed the same path as “Family Guy,” heading to Adult Swim for almost five years of late night reruns. to an entirely new level. Icona Pop Though dance anthems account C/O IDOLATOR.COM embraces its self-proclaimed image as for much of the album, Icona Pop The Swedish pop duo Icona Pop But in 2005, Comedy Central bought the rights to the show, and in 2008 it a “90’s bitch” with in-your-face dance strayed from the power jams on a is “On A Roll” with its second was brought back…sort of. Over the course of the next two years they released four straight-to-DVD movies, which were each pretty much just four episodes stitched anthems celebrating freedom, fun, few tracks. “In the Stars” and “Hold studio album. and a carefree attitude. On” pay more attention to vocals together. These “movies” had a weird feel to them, as they always seemed to be The band’s biggest hit, “I Love with slower beats and more subtle the natural fluctuations of human towing the line between being actual movies or just hour-and-a-half long episodes. It,” opens the album and sets the tone background music. “Hold On,” in emotions. The best of the four was probably “Bender’s Game,” which completely em- perfectly. The song requires scream- particular, feels a bit darker compared Icona Pop closes the album on a braced the long episode format and tried to make things as weird and goofy as singing along as a cathartic outlet for to other tracks on this album, but the high note with a final dance anthem, possible. The final episode of the fourth movie, “Into The Wild Green Yonder,” teenage angst by living out a fantasy of basic musicality and classic chords “Then We Kiss.” Plain lyrics and a was meant to serve as the new conclusion of the series, with the entire crew dis- essentially not caring about a break- are enjoyable nonetheless. “Light Me basic tune match perfectly with the appearing into the same blue vortex that appears at the beginning of the show’s up. With edgy lyrics, powerful beats, Up” still fosters girl power in a slower simple message about the magic of the title card. But, of course, time makes fools of us all, and that next year Comedy and a massive hook, this first track but positive tone that can only be de- build-up to a first kiss, and the cheery Central went ahead and premiered a new 26-episode season. prepares listeners for the empowering scribed as the best kind of simple pop beat mimics the skipping heartbeats When the show came back, it hit the ground running. Whether it was and catchy tunes that follow. that makes you want to sing along. that ensue immediately after. The because of new writers, learned experience from the five year hiatus, or simply “We Got the World” presents “Just Another Night” is probably track overall is really cute in its sim- because the show could get away with more on Comedy Central, Futurama re- a no-care message juxtaposed with a the most vulnerable and honest of plicity and honesty, as if a child were turned better than ever. The jokes felt edgier and more rapid-fire, the stories were spread-the-love essence that I abso- the tracks. It’s more of a slow num- telling a story, ending with the hope- a little smarter, and, of course, the writers’ absolute infatuation with science (both lutely adore. An epic drop combined ber with an emphasis on vocals and a ful proposal, “Then, we kiss!” real and fictitious) was oozing out of every pore. with major quotability makes it im- longing for love, a refreshing change The title, This is…Icona Pop, Some of the funniest episodes were the ones that tried to remain as sporadic possible not to sing along and believe after seven tracks with similar mes- suggests that the album is a sort of and fast paced as possible. For example, in “The Late Phillip J Fry,” the gang the ladies preaching, “Live fast, die sages and sounds. It immediately calls coming out for the band, a self-proc- finds themselves trapped in a time machine that can only move forward, which young…live the dream until we die.” to mind Robyn’s “Dancing on My lamation of “this is who I am.” The results in the show jumping from one weird future to the next, hopping between As soon as I heard “Girlfriend,” Own.” The lyrics read, “Just another duo seems proud of its sound, not parodies of Planet of the Apes, Terminator, and even H.G. Wells’ “The Time it stole my heart, and I guarantee lis- night/On the other side,” the other holding back emotion while at the Machine,” before concluding it all with a neat play on the Big Bounce theory (for tening to it is an instant mood lift. side being insecurity, loneliness, and same time supporting female strength all of the non-science geeks out there, it’s the theory that the universe will end in The track begins with a teasing “na- powerlessness as opposed to the total and solidarity. It is a dance album, a an implosion, followed by a new Big Bang). na-na-na” that’s playful and almost confidence and carefree attitude dis- feminist album, and a pop album. It’s Even obligatorily issue-of-the-day episodes such as “Decision 3012,” a play childish and then, reworking classic played in earlier songs. The complete easy listening, but it’s also fun listen- on the recent Presidential election, constantly tried to find ways to meld both a Tupac lyrics into girly pop, tells the honesty of the lyrics shocked me, es- ing. completely original story and a truckload of neat gags. Ultimately, each episode boys off and belts out with pride, “All pecially the line “Close my eyes and Icona Pop celebrates freedom, seemed to have a genuine drive behind it, a sense that the writers never felt like I need in this life of sin/Is me and my we’re still naked,” which highlights living in the moment, happiness, hav- they were just going through the motions. girlfriend.” the synthesis of provocative lyrics and ing confidence, and the album em- Of course, it wasn’t just the intelligent, sci-fi savvy humour that made the Other carefree dance-y tracks in- of soft and pure musicality. The use powers you to embrace and achieve original run of Futurama so great. I’m sure anyone who remembers “Jurassic clude “All Night,” which has a killer of acoustic guitar at the beginning all of those things while also obliging Bark,” in which Fry finds the fossilized remains of his dog, knows that the show pre-chorus that chants, “make the and piano at the end gives the song a you to dance and sing along with the was completely able to tug at your heartstrings. Admittedly, none of the new pop go rock,” and “Ready for the pure, ballad-like sound. “Just Another band. The lyrics don’t provoke any episodes is as heartbreaking as that one, yet the show still made an interesting de- Weekend,” which rocks a crazy drop Night” seems to contradict the theme deep soul searching, but they don’t cision. One of the only real plot arcs of the original series was Fry’s love for Leela, and solid club beats despite superfi- of rest of the album, but in an honest need to, because “all I want to do is which always felt like a hapless pursuit, until the open ending of the fourth season. cial and repetitive lyrics. “On a Roll” and understandable way that reflects have a good time.” With the new seasons, however, the show went ahead and actually brought the characters together, with the two dating over the course of the new seasons. This was part of the trend that made the show so fantastic. There was always a sense that the creators truly cared about their characters, playing off of their idio- Kings of Leon Changes Tempo syncrasies in a way that never felt mean spirited. Even Bender, the foul-mouthed, amoral, alcoholic robot, had his chance for a genuinely fascinating existentialist crisis in “Lethal Inspection.” As a result, the final episode, “Meanwhile,” focused solely on Fry and Leela’s With Mechanical Bull relationship, with the two living out their lives stuck in a time loop together. What’s remarkable about the episode is that its focus was less on jokes, and more By Meg Derecat magazine. on wrapping up their story together. Ultimately, it managed to knock it out of the Contributing Writer Kicking off the album with the de- park, with everything leading up to a conclusion that, goddammit, just left me but single “Supersoaker,” Kings of Leon feeling all warm and fuzzy inside. Kings of Leon has garnered both seems to declare its power right off the Of course, its creators seem reluctant to say it’s over, which seems inevitable positive and negative publicity over the bat in the group’s quintessential style. with this show’s history. Both Matt Groening and David X. Cohen have hinted years, but on the band’s new album, Played in a similar tone are “Temple” another movie might lie in the future, along with a “Simpsons” cross-over episode. Mechanical Bull, the members seem to and “Coming Back Again,” both of Personally, though, I hope this is actually the end. In a world where “Family finally find the middle ground for which which seem to highlight the challenges Guy” seems to be cynically running through the motions each year, and “The they have been striving. The band has the band has faced over the years and Simpsons” lifelessly enters its 25th season, it’s refreshing to see a show’s creators had nearly a decade of platinum records, its determination to continue its success C/O VIDEOKEMAN.COM know when to throw in the towel. After a strong second life, the show managed Grammy awards, and public break- even in the face of such negative public- Five albums and one drunken to say goodbye to its world and its characters in the best way possible, and I felt downs, specifically lead singer Caleb ity, especially following the aforemen- breakdown later, Kings of Leon nothing but satisfied. Followill’s intoxicated meltdown at a tioned meltdown. are back and ready to rock. Dallas concert in 2011. The mix of funky, tempo-changing In their sixth studio album, the beats of “Family Tree” and “Rock City” ing to make it more than it has to be.” four Followills seem to have taken every- and the love-song ballads found in “Wait This album is both aggressive and Arts Calendar thing they’ve learned through their ups for Me” and “Beautiful War” emphasizes sentimental, with all four of the Followill and downs and compiled it into a diverse how Kings of Leon is branching out boys contributing to what could be the Friday, Sept. 27 Saturday, Sept. 28 album full of emotional understanding. from its usual southern, arena-sized bal- Kings of Leon’s comeback album follow- Combining classic southern rock an- lads. My personal favorite song on the ing past dramas. Some of the songs can thems with slightly slower, atmospheric album, “On the Chin,” is drastically dif- be played in a sold-out arena in Austin Dan Froot and Dan Hurlin: Dan Froot and Dan Hurlin: ballads, Mechanical Bull is like a walk ferent than anything Kings of Leon has and some can be played with an acous- Who’s Hungry Who’s Hungry through the history of the band, taking produced before because of its simplic- tic guitar in a coffee house, and that is 8 p.m., World Music Hall 8 p.m., World Music Hall every style of music the group has ever ity and purity that is often muddled by what is so impressive about Mechanical produced and blending it into one cohe- the big-band feeling of the group’s other Bull: there is not one singular type of Equinox Open Mic Second Stage Presents: One sive album. songs. music found within it. All of the songs 8 p.m., Earth House Day Plays “In some weird way this record “It’s a beautiful feeling to play that have the classic Kings of Leon swagger 8 p.m., ’92 Theater was kind of a reflection for us, kind of song,” said Nathan Followill when talk- that has become an identifying factor a trip down memory lane to where we ing with Billboard. “The beauty of it is in in the band’s music, but by showing the White Suns with Pyka didn’t police ourselves so hard, ‘that’s not its simplicity. It is a full band song, but it different sides of its music style, Kings 10:30 p.m., Art House DONCHRISTIAN, gonna fit on this record, that doesn’t go can still have that feel and that emotion of Leon is reestablishing itself as a rock Cybergiga, and FXWRK with this or that,’” said drummer Nathan of super-broken down, nothing’s forced, band that will be remembered for quite All events are free unless 11 p.m., Eclectic Followill in an interview with Billboard no one’s jacking off all over the song try- a long time. otherwise noted. FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 27, 2013 THE WESLEYAN ARGUS arts • 9 Emmy: Awards Prove Comical Professor’s Playlist: Continued from front page Goldberg, and James Gandolfini. In ad- dition to these solo accolades, a slide- Salvatore Scibona show presenting additional actors who By Hazem Fahmy passed this year was presented. Carrie Contributing Writer Underwood’s rendition of the Beatles’ “Yesterday” added to the depressing Frank B. Weeks Visiting mood, and tipped me over the edge into Assistant Professor of English full-on despair. Salvatore Scibona has quite a few Luckily, the evening was salvaged prestigious honors under his belt. He by some hilarious moments that will authored the 2009 award-winning undoubtedly go down in Emmy history. novel “The End,” and he made it First and foremost was Merritt Wever onto the New Yorker’s list of “20 of “Nurse Jackie” giving her short and C/O ETONLINE.COM Under 40” fiction writers to watch. sweet acceptance speech. Upon reach- Amy Poehler and Tina Fey were “de-grateful” that Neil Patrick Harris At Wesleyan, he teaches the two ing the microphone after winning “Best was hosting. unique English courses: “Special Supporting Actress,” Wever smiled Topics: Character” and “Three Big C/O WESLEYAN uncomfortably, cleared her throat, and “Outstanding Lead Actor in a Movie or Greenberg, a writer for the Emmys. He Novels.” Below is the music he hap- father’s teenage-hood.” said, “Thanks so much…thank you so Miniseries.” He thanked his on-screen has since appeared on “Jimmy Kimmel pily shared with us. Be sure to check much…um, I gotta go. Bye.” It was de- lover Matt Damon, saying, “You really Live” and has achieved fleeting Internet out the playlist on Spotify. Radio 4— lightfully awkward, and one could only deserve half of this award,” and then fame for his brilliant awkwardness. “Blood Done Sign My Name” hope that all Emmy recipients could adding the quip, “so you want the bot- While highlights of happy, sad, Dustin O’Halloran— “Totally terrific. I don’t know what it come across as humbled and make their tom or the top?” strange, and musical variety peppered “We Move Lightly” means, but I love it.” point as quickly. Among the sensitive and comi- the ceremony, the quality of the work “A little emo, but I like it.” Will Ferrell later garnered many cal moments, there were also some represented did not go unremembered. Anna Marie—“Skating at Twilight” laughs when he hurried onstage out of strange occurrences. Comedian Sarah With countless television shows of ev- Eminem—“Lose Yourself” breath with three kids in tow and ex- Silverman and Nathan Fillion of ery genre reaching the caliber and the- “Best. Song. Ever.” Unknown—“Melody in Two Clefs” plained that he was asked to announce “Castle” made an inexplicable appear- matic development of great Hollywood “Learning [both] on the piano.” the “Best Drama” and “Best Comedy” ance in NPH’s “middle of the show” films, it’s easy to understand why the Will.I.Am—“Yes We Can” winners at the last minute and couldn’t dance performance. Their performance new college dorm routine of Netflix “Yes, we still can.” Florence & the Machine— find childcare. His T-shirt and shorts certainly made for an interesting inter- binging is on the rise. It is no longer “Cosmic Love” were at stark odds with his tuxedoed lude. embarrassing to admit to watching ex- Paul Simon—“Obvious Child” “Like an 11 year-old’s nightmare. counterparts, and his effortless humor Another strange moment in- orbitant amounts of TV (well, maybe a “The drum-beat in the song is just Terrific.” created a happy atmosphere around the volved a seemingly lost, random man little) given the high quality of so many killer.” otherwise tense and suspenseful final photobombing NPH’s introduction of shows. Scala & Kolacny Brothers— award categories. Jimmy Fallon. The man was caught on As Vince Gilligan of “Breaking Lauryn Hill— “Creep” Cover Michael Douglas of “Behind the camera behind Harris, and spent ten Bad” put it, we are living in a “golden “Can’t Take My Eyes Off of You” “A grunge song performed by a choir Candelabra” topped off the slew of one- seconds sidling self-consciously out of age of television,” and the Emmys let “Great mash-up of a song from my [that] becomes an angelic lament.” liners when he accepted his award for frame. The man turned out to be Paul everyone know it. 10 THE WESLEYAN ARGUS FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 27, 2013 sports Volleyball Drops Field Hockey Suffers Defeat By Grant Lounsbury game, but we just couldn’t score.” Mount Holyoke, a team currently ranked Staff Writer The lone goal of the game came four 20th in Division III in NCAA.com’s Fourth Game minutes into the second half. Although the power rankings, the Cardinals proved to The field hockey team suffered Cardinals continuously put pressure on their competitors that they are contenders a tough 1-0 defeat to Mount Holyoke the Lyons’ defense, getting off seven shots in any game. College on Tuesday, Sept. 24. With the on goal in the second half, they could not “We’re looking forward to [continu- close loss, the Cardinals fell to 2-4 on prevail. ing] to connect the rest of the season,” the season, while the Lyons improved Nonetheless, Ingraham was pleased Ingraham said. “We will continue to to 8-0. with the way the team was consistent with work hard in practice and focus on the After the game, the Cardinals its passing, did a good job of overlapping things that will improve our teamwork were proud of their performance the midfielders, and had strong stick skills, and help us score.” against such a tough opponent despite particularly on the defensive end of the Once again, the field hockey team the outcome. field. The team’s biggest weakness that is on the road this weekend. The Cards “We played great against Ingraham pointed out was its inability to travel down to Clinton, N.Y. to face Mount Holyoke,” said Captain Blair score. NESCAC rival Hamilton this Saturday Ingraham ’14. “We connected really Goalie Sara Grundy ’16 once again at noon. The Continentals are 2-3 on well through our passing and had some was strong in net, allowing one out of eight the season, also with a 1-2 record in the beautiful plays up and down the field.” shots on goal while saving seven. Defender NESCAC. The game was very even Lilah Fones ’15 made two miraculous “Hamilton is a NESCAC team,” throughout and could have swung in stops when Grundy was caught out of po- Ingraham stated. “Like with all NESCAC either team’s favor. The Lyons outshot sition to keep the game from slipping out teams, we’re expecting a hard-fought bat- the Cardinals 14-12, while Wesleyan of reach. With this strong effort put forth, tle and a win.” had 13 penalty corners compared to Grundy improved her season save percent- The Cardinals look to step up their Mount Holyoke’s 12. age to .792. game to another level this Saturday to SHANNON WELCH/STAFF PHOTOGRAPHER “The offense did a nice job of Although the field hockey team did guarantee a win and place themselves into Kate Centofanti ’14 had 14 kills from the outside hitter position, but drawing corners,” Ingraham com- not come out on top, it showed a lot of po- contention to make a serious run at the the volleyball team fell for the fourth consecutive game. mented. “We dominated a lot of the tential going forward. By keeping up with NESCAC tournament.

By Michael Sheldon in the bud any momentum that the Contributing Writer Cardinals managed to gain. “We started coming back, but we Men’s Soccer Slips 1-0 The volleyball team continued to started playing too late,” Farris said. struggle on Wednesday, Sept. 25, los- To add insult to injury, the small By Brett Keating Brandon Sousa ’16 gave the Cards New England improved to 6-2-1. ing 1-3 to in-state opponents Western but vocal crowd at Silloway Gym Assistant Sports Editor their best chance of the half in the 24th “We created a lot of good chances Connecticut State (22-25, 18-25, 25- seemed to erupt with cheers at the final minute as they looked to take an early in the first half, but failed to capitalize 19, 26-28). The loss marked the team’s ace. Throughout the match, Western The men’s soccer team was lead. He received the ball with Golden on any of them,” wrote Captain Danny fourth in as many games. Connecticut fans provided a more vocal handed its second loss of the season Bear goalie Dominick Villano out of po- Issroff ’15, who did not play in Tuesday’s There were long stretches, especial- presence than Wesleyan fans did. on the road on Tuesday, Sept. 24, sition, but his hard shot at the goal de- game, in an email to The Argus. “After ly in the first two sets, during which the “West Conn is an in-state school, falling 1-0 to Western New England flected off the outside post. they scored, they were able to sit back and Cardinals struggled to score at all. so there are a lot of girls that are from University. The home squad came back from defend. This made it tough for us to cre- “We didn’t really have a diverse Connecticut, so family will come and Wesleyan had lost only twice that scare quickly. As Wesleyan traded ate openings.” offense,” said Captain Monica Leslie watch them wherever they’re playing in eight previous meetings with the passes in its own end, Western New The Cardinals will look to stay ’14. “It made it easier for [Western in-state,” Farris said. “It is tough when Springfield, Mass. university, going England midfielder Kory Caster stole a unbeaten against NESCAC opponents Connecticut] to predict.” everyone is cheering against you.” 4-2-2, including a win in the 2009 pass and crossed it to team-leading scorer this Saturday, Sept. 28 as they travel The team started slow, dropping The defeat comes straight on the NCAA tournament, but the Cards Jake Bartnik in the center of the field. to Clinton, N.Y. for a matchup dur- the first two sets, during which the mo- heels of a pair of 0-3 losses last Saturday were unable to deliver on any of their Bartnik converted on his sixth goal of the ing Hamilton’s annual “Fallcoming.” mentum was decidedly one-sided in to Rogers Williams University and golden opportunities in the game. year. Hamilton is 1-2-2 on the season, and Western Connecticut’s favor. Even with NESCAC rival Tufts. In these matches, Before the game, Wesleyan Wesleyan’s best chances at evening 0-1-2 in the conference this young sea- 18 kills and three aces from captain Kim offensive leadership was similarly of- keeper Emmett McConnell ’15 was the score came on a strong offensive son. Farris ’14, the Cardinals were not able fered by Centofanti and Farris; the lat- named NESCAC Player of the Week, push in the waning minutes of the con- “We’re gonna have to be bet- to recover. ter leads the conference in kills per set. making him the second Cardinal to test. After putting just one shot on goal ter in the opposing final third against “We waited to start playing,” Farris Centofanti and Farris have received de- receive that honor in three weeks. until the 84th minute, Dylan Hoy ’17 Hamilton,” Issroff wrote. “I imagine it said. “We weren’t playing as well as we fensive support from Rachel Savage ’17, The goaltender had two consecutive fired two blasts on Villano in the 84th will be a similar kind of game where [we] could during the first set, and we sort of who ranks fifth in the conference in digs shutouts last week against conference and 85th minutes, but the senior goalie will have most of the ball and they will dug ourselves into a hole.” per set. opponents Tufts and Bates and has al- stopped both of them. Sousa again had look to defend well and nip a goal on the However, with the strength of the This losing streak drops Wesleyan lowed just two goals in four complete a chance two minutes later, but that shot counter attack. Creativity around the box play of Farris and fellow captain Kate to 2-8. That gives the Cardinals the games of action this season. went wide, too. and the commitment to get numbers for- Centofanti ’14, who had 14 kills, 7 digs, second-worst overall record in the con- After having some competition The Cardinals weren’t able to ward will be key to breaking them down.” and 3 blocking assists, the Cardinals ference, which makes things tough on at the position, McConnell seems to maintain the same level of discipline in A potential concern for the fought back. They took the third set them as they continue their season. have separated himself from other this game as they did against previous Cardinals should be their recent anemic 25-19 and, after trailing 11-3 to begin “The long-term goal this season is goaltenders with his consecutive opponent Bates; they were flagged for attacking play. After scoring six goals in the fourth set, pushed it to a 26-26 tie. going to NESCACs,” Leslie said. “We strong performances. However, he was 12 penalties against WNE compared their first two games, they have managed The comeback, in the end, was not want to start winning games that we can unable to prevent a defeat this week to two in the previous game. Offensive just three goals in their four games since. quite enough, as the Cardinals proved win.” for his team, allowing one goal to the weapons Matt Lynch ’15 and Sousa also They’ll look to break out against the unable to handle a serve from Western In spite of the tough road ahead, WNE Golden Bears in the 28th min- both earned costly yellow cards in the struggling Hamilton Continentals, who Connecticut junior Nina Wojtkiewicz. however, the team firmly believes the ute; one goal was all the hosts needed. final minutes of the first half and in the are scoring less than a goal per game this Western Connecticut put the Cardinals year can be salvaged. Farris maintains a Wesleyan controlled possession opening minutes of the second half, re- year on average but are also allowing just away 28-26 in the fourth to end the careful sense of optimism looking ahead for much of the first half, outshoot- spectively. one per game. match. to Friday, Sept. 27 when the Cardinals ing the opponents 8-4 over that McConnell finished the game with Issroff remains optimistic about the The Cardinals had trouble on will take on NESCAC rival Trinity. time. However, each team only put two saves. Wesleyan doubled up its op- season. serves throughout the match, com- “Normally, Friday nights we get a two shots on goal in the period, and, ponents with 12 shots to WNE’s six, with “We’re playing well in the league mitting 13 serve errors to Western good crowd,” Farris said. “It’s gonna be unfortunately for the Cardinals, the five on goal to the Bears’ three. and hope to continue to do that,” he Connecticut’s seven. This often nipped a really good game.” Bears were able to convert. Wesleyan fell to 4-2, while Western wrote. Women’s Soccer Falls in OT Despite Goalie Performance By Asher Young just over Tollman for a Tufts victory. in each half, and finished with six shots on tion.” their three losses have been decided by just Staff Writer The loss dropped Wesleyan to a 0-3- goal. Tollman’s thirteen saves were the one goal, and three of their five games this 2 record, while Tufts improved to 3-2-0. Perhaps the best scoring chance most she had made since the 2011 season have gone into second overtime After playing 109 scoreless min- While the game could have gone either for either team before Estus’ game win- NESCAC tournament, when she made periods. utes against Tufts at home on Tuesday, way, the loss certainly did not come from ner came off a corner kick by Wesleyan 17 stops in a game that went all the way to The Cardinals’ next game is this Sept. 24, the women’s soccer team finally a lack of effort. in the second overtime. Katy Hardt ’15, penalty kicks against Tufts. That year, the Saturday, Sept. 28 at Hamilton in another conceded a goal with just 25 seconds “[Head Coach Eva Meredith] just who recorded an assist on a corner kick Cardinals ended up winning in a penalty NESCAC matchup. Hamilton is current- remaining in the second overtime in a felt bad for us because we couldn’t have last Saturday against Bates, sent a ball shootout. ly 3-1-1 on the year, and has won their heartbreaking 1-0 loss. Goalkeepr Jessica put more heart or effort into the game,” that sailed into the box and was headed “Everyone, hands down, thought previous two matchups against Wesleyan. Tollman ’15 turned in another impressive said Anne Coyle ’17, a Cardinal defender. by Madeline Keane ’16. Keane’s shot she was out-of-this-world amazing,” After playing two straight double performance in the net; her 13 saves were “She also said that just because it didn’t was right on target, but Tufts goalkeeper Coyle said of Tollman’s performance on overtime games, having a couple of days good for her second-highest total in her line up that day, it doesn’t mean it’s going Kristin Wright made one of her six saves, Tuesday. “People on the team were going to rest before their next game could be key Wesleyan career. to stay that way, and that it was definitely diving to her right, as the Jumbos thwart- up to her after the game and telling her to the Cardinals’ success against Hamilton The game looked as if it was going to a good step in the right direction. Now we ed the attempt. she was their hero. I had never really seen on Saturday. be Wesleyan’s third draw in four matches just have to play like that and win.” “I think we definitely put in the ef- a performance like that. She really saved “We’re going to make sure everyone before a Tufts forward fired a shot from Although the Jumbos outshot the fort [to win], and it was more that the ball the team.” stays healthy and that we keep our positive 25 yards out with 30 seconds left in the Cardinals 26-15 in the contest, there were just wasn’t bouncing our way,” Coyle said. While the team’s record may not be attitudes up,” Coyle said. “[Other keys overtime period. The shot banged off the key scoring opportunities throughout the “[Tufts] put in a great effort and they were as good as anyone would like it to be at will be] just looking out for each other crossbar before rebounding to Jumbo game for both teams. Cardinal players hit very physical right back at us which was this point, the Cardinals have hung tough and making sure that we don’t slack off midfielder Robin Estus, who lofted a shot the crossbar with two different shots, one what made them such tough competi- in almost every game this year. Two of and that we’re ready to go.” QUIZ: Which New Hairstyle Should You Try? Going off to college? Make a great first impression with a sexy new college hairstyle! Take this quiz to help find out which hairdo will show off the REAL you:

1 What shape best describes your face? a. a straight line b. heart-shaped c. bruised peach

2 How long do you spend on your hair every morning to build the “real you” look? a. There is no real me... b. Anywhere from two to seven hours—I try to keep things low maintenance Hot Guy Confessional: If this c. A negative amount of time Dude Can Make Peace With 3 You are trying on a pair of pants in front of a salesperson when you hear a rip! You: a. Hit my head against the wall until everything seems cloudy and unreal. His Body, You Can Too! b. Do nothing! A little piece of my ass never hurt anybody! c. Deepen the rip My man-beard is a part of thedral filled with vampires and me. Now I am largely defined by hookworms, hitting quickly and 4 You are singing at the top of your lungs in the grocery store parking lot when a my densely populated face-hat, mercilessly, fighting, tearing camera crew knocks on your car window. Everything was taped! You: but I wasn’t always so eager to away, turning a natural, beauti- a. Spew snake venom into the eyes of the camera crew, steal the tape, and burn accept it. My story began in the ful part of human existence into it in front of them so they know who the fuck they’re dealing with 5th grade, when the first signs of an isolating burden; the other stu- b. Drive away calmly. Singing isn’t the only thing of mine that they have on tape ;) bristling beard burst forth through dents made me resent my beard c. Vomit my acne ridden cheeks without and question my resolve to keep the harbinger of fluff or fuzz to it. Constant requests from pass- If you answered mostly a’s… warn of its arrival. ersby to stroke my face, and the Your blood has a high content of fugly. Try a fun faux-bob! I clearly remember the feel- subsequent titters and whispers ings of shame and fear when, at a behind hands kept me up hours If you answered mostly b’s… mere 10 years old, I approached past my 8:00pm bedtime. You are a slut at heart and a skank on special occasions. You go girl! If you want a my father and told him, “Dad, I True relief came when I don’t know how to say this, but found sanctuary. Bearded and surefire way to get his digits, you’ll want to get your hair really messy and DRY. Then, I need a razor.” The look of fear Brave was an after-school support rub it on that cutie you’ve been eyeing. Can you say “fireworks?” and concern on my father’s face group, and it was just the outlet tore me inside in a way I’ll not for self-realization that I needed. If you answered mostly c’s… soon forget. It was a number of Surrounded by similarly musta- Call 911 because we have a “Code Red: Smelly Undead Gremlin Alert.” Our best years before my family accept- chioed men-of-the-earth, I began ed not only the existence of my to not only accept my beard, but guess is that you live in a pit of burning toxic gas and dog poop dirt. Hate to break beard, but my decision to keep to cherish it, to nurture it, and to your heart, but Ampertween is out of answers. it, to nurture it, to not shave it off gather my own identity and self- in shame—a decision I knew I assurance from maintaining its Thanks for taking the Quiz! Look out for next week’s poll: “How big should my vagina would only regret. well-being. be?” Going to school wasn’t easy. I am bearded, I am beautiful, Elementary school is a dark ca- and I am brave. A Letter From Our Somali Pen Pal! Sexy vs. Skanky he’s just hungry. Either clean water from across the Walking your dog on a hot Eating a hot dog way, I definitely had but- river! When I looked in the day terflies in my stomach. bucket, I realized I hadn’t Owning a nice watch Losing track of time My mom says that means seen my face in a long time. I have another parasite. I had almost forgotten what I Having a boyfriend Wanting a boyfriend looked like! 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Angle your paper so the hottie sitting next to you TM Here’s a letter from our pen- ever since our government can see the cute way you bubble in your Scantron gal Fartuun in Somalia! collapsed, I stay at home to Anyway, write back soon! I The Ampersand: In it for the money. Sarah Esocoff, Editor; Ian McCarthy help my mother weave our can’t wait to hear more about & Emilie Pass, Assistant Editors; Emma Singer, Queen of Layout; Keelin Q. First off, Somali boys can clothes. DIY! “Pinterest!” Ryan, Editor Emeritus. Sam Raby, Quiz; Dillon Kraus, Hair Stuff; Andrew be confusing too! My friend Martin, Skanky; Melissa Mischell, SAT; Nico “Pass the Snacks” Hartman, Yesterday was a dress-up xoxo, Somalia. Okonkwo stole some of my Write for the Ampersand! E-mail [email protected]. squash the other day. I think day. I knew it was special Visit us online at wesleyanampersand.tumblr.com that means he likes me! Or because my mother brought Fartuun Sponsored by DKE: Devious Kings, Excalibur! ampertween how to change the real you Confessional: My First PERIOD! I got my “red damp- you have to change them social studies project! ness” for the first time so often! Mine was only The locusts came on last week. It was kind of in for a few minutes be- the third day. embarrassing, but I guess fore there was so much I know that some- every girl goes through pressure that the blood times with all these I was driving on the highway, when I hit it! The first morning, squirted it out onto the “growing-up things,” it another car! I couldn’t believe how much it took me forever to stairs! can seem like no one un- blood there was. It was almost like rain! massage all the blood Sometimes I felt like derstands what you’re out of my hair. I was so everyone could tell what going through. Just re- The other driver died instantly—and it was afraid my little brother was going on. My vagina member though: every- my crush! Ugh! I can’t believe I committed would notice. Luckily he was screaming SO loud, one gets their period! All manslaughter! And my other crush was in didn’t—that is, until the but I don’t think anyone that blood dripping off the backseat of my car and saw EVERY- blood started seeping could hear once I closed your chandelier means THING!!! through the floorboards my door. Girl problems, that one day, you can be into his room! Talk about right? Also, it was really a mother! -Nikola Powers, 17, Miami awkward. I even had to hard to see with all the ask my older sister for a blood streaming out of Last week I was just sitting in my room, tampon. I didn’t realize my eyes. So much for my when I heard a knock on my door. I opened it, and there were a bunch of my friends Flirt Alert! and relatives. They looked REALLY serious. Is there a QT in your math class? English? Remedial ethics? School has started up again and we know acing Turns out, they were there to give me an your love life is your FIRST priority. Flirting can be tricky, but follow these simple steps and you’ll have your- intervention!! They were all super disap- self a totally crushable date faster than you can say, “My hymen is still intact.” pointed in me because my heroin habit was ruining my life AND theirs!!!! And just when 1. Get his attention. -Wear perfume. There’s no such thing as too much. We recommend Taylor Swift’s Psychotic. When I thought things couldn’t get any worse, you smell like Taylor, he will belong with you. I got my period right in the middle of the - Drop things in front of him. Pens, books, sandwiches, an anvil; whatever you have on hand will meeting!! do just fine. Nothing says “flirty” like heaving a large textbook at your crush so he can have the -Jackie Smith, 15, NYC pleasure of picking it up and slowly handing it back it to you. 2. Do your research. 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Compliment the facial hair he is -Connie Ryan , 20, Boise attempting to grow. *Pro-tip: Guys love it when you grab their biceps. “Nice muscle tone, stud!” Do not let go. 5. Text your heart out! Got his #? Score! Now keep up the flirting by including a winky face in every text. It’s suggestive. Does Your Love Life Suck? Of your winking vagina. Here’s the Secret to Getting Your Crush’s The Best Hiding Place for Your Body Type Attention! Pear: Did the guy you like not respond to your last seven text mes- You’ve got a slim upper body, but your lower half is a shame. Conceal that hourglass by crouching sages? The Ampertween’s got your back, gurl! After mass behind an urn! surveys and extensive research, studies have shown that the best way to get a guy to notice you is to give him a blowjob. Apple: It is astonishing how much your human body resembles the fruit of the “Tree of the Knowledge of “I think this is a really great tip (but it shouldn’t be just the tip, am I right?)” said a guy we found on the street. “Girls are Good and Evil” (Gen. 1:3). Hide your harvest’s bounty by standing near a short street sign. always trying to impress me with make-up and clothes and whatever. And I’m just like, be yourself. I don’t want any of Petite: this phony crap. I just want a nice, smart girl with a quirky What are you, a Borrower? How morally stunted were your parents that they taught you that it’s sense of humor who’s up for spontaneous adventures, such okay to just steal everything you want? Is that the kind of universe you want to live in? Have fun as oral sex.” tripping over your stupid tail for the rest of your life. Hide wherever, you hairless rat with a face.

You don’t have to pretend to be someone you’re not! Let your Long and Lean: personality shine through and don’t be afraid to show your Every prince in the land shall ask for thy hand, for ye have been blessed with the Figure Most most vulnerable and authentic self by giving a blowjob. Grande. “I felt like guys never paid attention to me,” says undergrad and self-declared girl-next-door Allegra Fradkin, “but once I Curvy: started blowing them by the thousands they really started to We know it can be hard to find clothes that fit YOU. When are designers going to realize that the see me for the complex, fragile individual I truly am. I finally average American woman is a size 12???? In the meantime, you can hide those flabby fat-steaks feel noticed! Thanks, Ampertween!” and curdled blubber sacks in an isolated sea grotto where there are no haters! Don’t let those fem- bots tell you that you’re worthless just because no man will ever touch you! Just use YOUR fingers. “I have other ways to express my gratitude, if you like,” she This is about YOU! added, exposing the depths of her profound soul. The Ampersand: In it for the money. Sarah Esocoff, Editor; Ian McCarthy & Emilie Pass, Assistant Editors; Emma Singer, Queen of Layout; Keelin Q. Ryan, Editor Emeritus. Sarah Esocoff, Trauma; Sarah Esocoff and Ian McCarthy, Blood; Rachel Earnhardt, Flirt; Sarah Esocoff, Hide; Ananya Menon, Blowies. LOOK INSIDE FOR MORE AMPERTWEEN! Visit us online at wesleyanampersand.tumblr.com