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I have been reading Semper Floreat - on S off - for over twenty I've been instructed by o Semper editor to write a congratulatory years. It has changed a great deal from the Eighties version of letter to Semper's editorial section re Sempers last edition, which the magazine, where I 'irst mode an acquaintance with Semper I'll do so willingly:
Some of these changes have been all for good, I see the It's because I said to the editor in question any number of the overall magazine has a much improved physical quality: better following: fonts, more colours, shny cover etc. I can only express un (a) kudos for getting a little bit ballsier; animal lib was a good qualified approval for the animal rights stance, done in a fresh direction manner while still getting the point across, though maybe it was (b) the Tony Abbott bit made me very jolly too heavy-handed: - you can drive people in the wrong direction (c) even/ self-respecting student publication needs to be when you repeatedly beat them over the head with a topic. Still, 'broken in', I'm sure we'll agree by having a controversy and recall I never have a problem with wearing my heart on my sleeve, so debacle about something (like a bawdy image) that would, for the why shouldn't you^ self-respecting everyday viewer, be otherwise completely farcical. And now I'm going to innocently buy into the argument, because Some things have remained the same over the years. The thankfully I have long since ejected myself from the arbitrary general level of writing is still high, li's still cutting edge -1 power flaunting that goes on in the UQ student union (it's my particularly enpyed 'more than a bear in there' by Tim Hasted own kind of elitism and snobbery: reactionary yes). I empathise There are still the intervews with fascinating people, with the Semper editors, however, because over in the English Media Studies and Art Histroy (EMSAH) department I also have BuL.and it's a huge but.. to deal with semioticians who seek to present arguments that can't be argued against because they take place in the world Where are the actual articles to help students^ The closest you of semiotics, a world wNch has bearing only it seems, on other come in the July 23rd issue was the "On the Buses" by Sam semioticians, Perfected academe, it shuts out the larger amount Hussey-Smith selling Translink as a good alternative to cars. of people who are not familiar with its methods of communica And where is the large component of fiction^ I don't count the tion (under the guise that complex thoughts require complex political satire in the same vein as a well-written short story. descriptions - honestly the amount of academic faff is painfully Have all the Arts student given up on literature? disproportionate to the amount of ideas therein, if not the quality of those ideas, which con more often than not still be explained It IS still a great magazine. in language effectively understood by more than a hand-ul of people - this is the product of neuroses and a very sad mixture Lynne Green of inferiority and superiority complexes) ...so it can take place in its own time-space contiunuum, and pretend it has sometNng to do with our lives yet which we cannot argue against because Tc Whc'n ll May Concei'~i its language is its own, its rationality is its own. its methods of oppression ore its own. STAND UP AND FIGHT AGAINST THIS I am a young student studying Literature and Religious Studies ROUNDABOUT FORM OF OPPRESSION I've always wanted to at University through coTespondence. At the moment it is hard say that in all honesty and now I do say it. And soy did anyone to find relevant and sometimes contemporary information con read that Emma Tom article a while back in The Oz about aca cerning the above named topes as I live on an isolated property demic discourse and how contrary it is to its own aspirations? It I would be extremely grateful if I could subscnbe to your publica should have been posted all over uni! Why was it not? Probably tion, OS it mioy help with finding information. we forgot. Because we see the potential, and we so very much want the ivory tower to be good, and we're so compassionate we Yours Gratefully don't want to stomp on its toes.
Mr Dean Fennell free love to all (ifs the traditional thing you know), Bathurst NSW Wyatt
N.B. I confess to a lopsided account of Alfs story, but I think I've heard enough not to want to know too much more. Just as in ancient timss the Olympics have seen hostili ties brought to a halt within the union building. The jjeace has allowed some wonderfully positive creative energy to be gen erated vv'ithin tho Semper office. This issue, I ihink vve al! agree, is close to the best Semper all year. With ivvo editions left in 2004, Semper is lookirig to go in an entirely different artistic direction vvitl. 'Tlie Soft Edition', I'm excited and I ho|.;e all t:uj art ists, poets and creative writers v\/il! leave their cork-lined bedrooms to share their thounhis or' life, love, trutli and beauty witii us a!!.
-Andrew
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We're a cynical huncli aren'! we? ^"i;oro was almost noth ing tiial wasi^'t opoii to attack 'm tiiis ediiion. Advertising ciy fitaSIBlSSBIESSS^ marketing, the Olympics, poiiticiai^s, now age chailatans, mascots- it seems thee is no one we trust anyrr^,ore. But jus; as ciuick'y as we pounce on things that are incongruous willi IBB WMMIMIIf^^.UlJJt.*.!U our own agenda, how many lies do vve nurture because they fit nicely with our established prejudices? Or the lies that we are iiappy with because v-jc are not physically confronted vvith them; what vvou'd happen if there v^'as a detention cen tre in the Great Court? Or a factory farm on Ihe v/vay to the Citycat? Or David Grisman in your lounge- room? Would we be moved lo initiate change? I guess that's the point of media - to keep bringing those other worlds into our own and forcing us to confront them. You know you can trust Semper to bring you the truth... -Merali
I've finished the Harry Potter books now and am coping witli the loss by becoming a round-the-clock Olympics junkie. It's nice to see the world coming together without bombs and a thirst for oil. I love all the sports, but most of all I love armchair judging the diving and gymnastics the best - its funny how much of an expert you become after 3 dives: "Oooh, bit of a rnessy entry there. She'll lose a couple of tenths for ihat one". I love the ads too - the Smitn's ad where the fat workmen are eating chips and then spans out to the runners on the unfinnished track: Magic! I'm not so keen on the LG ads though. You know the ones where they announce they are Official Sponsors of the Olympics, Official Spon sors of Freedom, Official Sponsors of the Next Generation? I'm sorry, but you can't brand freedom or a generation. It is this kind of ridikulus bullshit that has been our focus for weeks now with this edition.. I hope you enjoy it. -Tim PUPPETRY OF THE PENIS: semper's censorstiip shock!
If you picked up the last edition of Semper you might have noticed a sticker proclaiming "No Problem" plastered across the Alf centrefold. The sticker wasn't really telling the truth because accord ing to the Union President, Margot Balch and the Resident Women's Organiser, Gillian Brannigan there were problems with the image. It turns out that if you link the phrase "Liberate your Animal" with an erect male penis, even if that penis is attached to a puppet who Is wearing a pair of white sweatpants, then you are crossing the line between what is and isn't acceptable in our politically correct society. Because Semper is published by the President of the UQ Union, every edition must first be subject to approval by Margot Balch with advice from UQU lawyers. When the approval for the last edition was given, the caption ran... 'Alf makes his 2004 TV comeback in "Queer Eye for the Well Hung Puppet Guy"'. However, giving we were making a Free Range edition, the caption 'Liberate your Animal' seemed more appropriate and in any event less offensive. In error, we did not show Margot these changes before we took the edition to the printer. One week later and suddenly there was an onslaught of femi nists telling us that the picture of Alf with the caption encouraged men to rape women. It was not only in bad taste, it was sexist and "It would have been OK if it was it was furthering the entrenched cultural norm of aggressive male two women masturbating" sexuality. Thus it had to be censored or ripped out as the decision had been made that It was sexist and that decision was final. Looking at the unstretered Alf: We held a meeting with the President, the Resident Women's "OK. Now can Isee theljncensored Organiser and two representatives of the Women's Collective. There version?" ^__\ were numerous suggestion put forward to amend the poster includ • •?'*•;:'- / ing a sticker over Alfs penis reading "Men, respect your penis. Don't put it where it's not wanted" or "Cage your cruelty", both of which nLllLSilKKkl we considered to be twisting the whole meaning of the picture and genitals." ^ pushing an anti-rape agenda that wasn't our purpose and would have been farcical given the image. A sticker of a tutu was also ta "Everyone I spoke to found lt;of- bled. In the end, what became clear was that any sticker would do, so fensive and everyone^ou spoke long as it covered Alfs semi-erect penis. to didn't find it offensive so^ Semper argued against what we considered to be censorship maybe we are hearing wh^t w| vehemently until the end and thought it was sad that male sexual ity Is viewed by some as being inherently linked with rape. Maybe want to hear." - Margot Balcjir' we should have gone to the wall and threatened to resign but It all UQUnion Preslderit '' v ' ' . seemed kind of silly and we don't know whether that would have re ally furthered the freedom of speech cause. The whole debacle did however lead to one of the most absurd moments this year with the three of us spending long nights sitting in the office, pasting 5000 stickers over Alfs puppethood. (Music cue) These are times we will remember, because they will not last forever... The Editors acknowledge that this article has been placed with the express approval of the President of the UQU, Margot Balch P^TTCRMS ymm.mpi^^
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The two greatest principles of Propaganda are these; Keep it Simple. Repeat it Often. Some of the most manipulative and corrupted leaders in history have stuck to this maxim and won the day. From the Roman senate to the present-day coalition, all of the world's 'great' leaders have taken these prindples to heart during their time in office: There ARE weapons of mass destruction in Iraq', 'We DO care about Higher Education' I'm quoting Mr Blair, my beloved Dictat,..sor ry, Prime Minister, but it could have been any of them, and been equally as sincere! Yes, indeedy, Bush and his British and Australian counterparts have misinformed their public, gone back on their promises, and, well, lied to us. Just goes to show how effective Propaganda can be cos, hey, THEY'RE STILL IN POWER... Of course, no-one outside of Australia knows who Howard is, but he's a dangerous little guy nonetheless. You know, very few people outside of Australia even realise you guys are members of the Coalition...
But I digress, The point is, these people aren't the first to try and twist our percep tion. Its been happening for a long time. 'Of course it has you moron, we ail know FOR MURDER about the Nazi Propaganda machine'. Well, just hold on there, kiddies, I'm thinking a little bit further back than that! Try two thousand years further back, to the rulers of the ancient world - the Greeks. I know, talk about a decline in power, they can't even get the Olympics done in time now!
Well, leave your bodies behind and fly with me to the hills of Ancient Delphos, where stands a temple to the Greek god Apollo. Deep in the holiest parts of the temple, the priests sit around, getting high on incense and sacrificial wine, and seeing God. God tells them things, and they pass the message on in return for lots and lots of money. Sensing the problem with this yet? That's right, people paid to hear what they wanted to hear. The shinier your gold, the shinier your future would be. And sometimes, the stakes got really high. One Athenian family was so bloodthirsty and ruthless they were driven out of Athens, never to return. Luckily, their gold got exiled with them. They paid off the Priests of Apollo to make a prophecy which sent a huge army of Spartans (think Hitler in a toga) into Athens, and steal the throne. Hmmmm, so a leader of a massive, well-trained army invaded a helpless country because God told him to...sound familiar? Anyway, that particular family, the Alcmaeonids, were in charge for the next 100 years.
Five hundred years later, The Romans, having finally run out of people to kill, began to get political, propaganda spreading far and wide. Visit the ruins of Pompeii (Covered in volcanic ash 2000 years ago, preserving everything in it- including some seriously disturbing pornography) and you'll see some of the finest examples of smear campaigns the world has ever seen. All of these refer to politicians of the period:
To Claudius: Go Hang Yourself
'Chie, I hope your piles rub themselves raw, so that they burn worse than when they were operated on'
'Phileros is a dickless wonder'
Two thousand years on, and you'll hear the same thing in the House of Representa tives! And so the Romans, Particularly the Emperors, began to take propaganda a bit more seriously; starting with Augustus (Son of Julius Caesar). After stamping his face on to every coin, and putting his likeness up all over the empire, (we still do NEW HAMPSHJM strBBt This man is your FRI
ThoLiulits propaganda through the horn Mother ages England By A. Pom
that by the way! Odd how traditional propaganda goes unnoticed!) the Emperor realised it wasn't quite enough to keep himseld in the public eye. He was in a tricky position. He knew what the people thought: 'Why should we be led by one man? It's not as if he's a god or anything'. And then a funny thing happened. Tums out he was a god, and so was his dad. He set up his own religion, and shrines started popping up all over the empire. Kind of makes political opposition tough: ' You want a republic? The Emperor bathes in babies' blood? KILL THE BLAS- PHEIVIER!'.
Old habits die hard, and it wasn't really until the beginning of the last century that us Brits decided we didn't like being ruled by gods. Ever since the middle ages, the whole of Europe has been living under something called the 'Divine Right of Kings'. Basically, whoever is on the throne, God put them there, so don't mess with them. When you're being persecuted by the King, it's all very well saying you've got God-given rights, but you've also got a God-given King, who likes burn ing people, and sending them on crusades for a corrupt church, and beheading politicians they don't like...Now there's an idea...'No Mr Bush, it's not a guillotine, it's a neck brace!'
And so the lies spread through every political intrigue and every war in human history, through postage stamps, cartoons, posters and film:- Did you know Dr SEUSS, creator of the Grinch and the Cat in the Hat, was America's foremost propaganda cartoonist during the second world war?!!Most countries have acknowledged propaganda ministries. In England we have the British Council; in America, the United States Information Agency. All the way up to the present day, politicians have screwed us over - from the comical Iraqi Information Minister: "Our estimates are that none of them will come out alive unless they surrender to us quickly. The Americans and British are committing suicide in their thousands", to the horrendously hypnotic power of the Third Reich's Propaganda Machine. Its not just the politicians who mislead us though. The media too has its own agenda. Our notoriously inventive British press reported the siege of Basra in this way:
'UK FORCES BESIEGE BASRA. THE CITY IS WITHOUT WATER AND ELEC TRICITY*
True. However, what they didn't mention was that the city hadn't had regular electricity or any running water since Saddam's army had last been through years before. Or that two weeks after British occupation, the Royal Engineers had built a permanent pipe line and brought the power back online. I'm not a fan of govem- menta! motives for the Iraqi War, I'm just saying take the news with a pinch of salt and a heaped tablespoon of reasonable doubt!
It seems we become more obsessed with Propaganda every day. Bush used Propaganda to start an illegal war. Macdonaid's propaganda made me fat. Capital ist Propaganda stole my lunch money. Well, I'm here to tell you it's nothing new. Some people are in the know, and all that the rest of us can do is resist the urge to swallow everything we're given. It's not easy- the ability to deceive our fellow man with pretty pictures and catchy slogans is one of the few things that separates us from the Apes but don't just sit back and take it. Next time you read the papers, or watch the news, or read a pamphlet, try and dig out the cold facts, anything else is just what some other guy thinks. Big Brother has been around longer than Jesus, and he's not going to go away. by Joee Kelk
On Saturday 10 July 2004 a group of student biologists left Brisbane in search of Terror Cows in Idalia National Park. One week later their photos were found...... By the second group, who were more pissed off that all the beer had already been drunk.
Interviews with the sole survivor have served only to scratch the surface of the horrors that were unleashed there. hooves. Several theories have developed over the years as to their purpose. Some have said these razor-sharp It started harmlessly enough. Thirty science students claws were for slashing open other animals before thev headed off for a week in the outback. They were a devoured their entrails, while another school of thought motley crew of zoologists, paleaontologists, ecologists, has postulated that they were infact curved at such an wildlife biologists, botanists, geologists, herpetologists, angle as to signify that the Terror Cow was arboreal. ornithologists, entomologists, seatologists, bovine scatol- That is to say this cow of mass destruction lived in trees. ogists ...a whole suite of students eager to prove their A drop Terror Cow. worth in the field of science. They were accompanied by ten or so of UQ's finest researchers and lecturers, all After the original specimen from Idalia disappeared in leaders in their field and eager to exploit the free labour a mysterious raid on Goddard Building by CIA from of undergraduates and illegal immigrants from Brazil. the USA, Antonio Thulbonious had been left without But neither staff nor students could have predicted the any evidence as to the existence of the Terror Cow in events of that fateful week. Australia. So, in conjunction with his fellow academics, he developed a scheme whereby students undertaking The briefing had been simple enough. On a previous the Outback Ecology Field Trip could search the Park expedition to Idalia in the mid sixties, Antonio Thulbo- looking for more fossils. It was a foolproof plan. But it nious had uncovered a rare fossilized tooth fragment. wasn't cow proof. Sophisticated laboratory techniques had revealed it to be that of an ancient Bovine animal previously only known The students were in high spirits on arrival in the mid from the fossil records of Europe, namely one perfectly dle of nowhere after spending sixteen sleepless hours preserved specimen in Scandinavia. The creature had on a bus to 'beyond the black stump.' They quickly become commonly knowai as the Scandinavian Terror established a campsite and set to work getting to know Cow, an image of psychedelic horror that perpetuated the local whacko macros fauna and attempting to smoke itself in the children's folk tales of the alpine regions. the local forbarian flora. When they discovered that the Idalian research station lacked the cool t-shirts of more As with all fossil discoveries, paleontologists were popular bases on Stradbroke and Heron Islands, they set forced to use analogies with living species to about making "Team. Terror Cow" t-shirts. It was a cute determine the position of this Terror Cow stencil from the hands of an exclusive German designer in the evolutionary scheme of things. The depicting the presumed extinct Terror Cow in all its creature had impressive pointy horns, glory. and along with the usual bovine molars, it had huge pointy fangs, Friends and family of those lost at Idalia now wear these canine teeth that had grown be shirts in memory of their loved ones. Well, they wear jPresumed range of yond all herbivorous proportions. the few of the t-shirts that survived the bloodstains and the Scandinavian Terror Cow The teeth alone signified that this being ripped to shreds. was a beast with carnivorous intentions, apt to rip its prey On one of the famous 'walk and talks' Davida Yatesii led into shreds. On top of all the students to a particularly rich fossil deposit. Despite these features, the Ter hours of sifting, they failed to uncover any evidence of ror Cow had huge the horror bovine. As they trudged despondently back keratinous protru to camp they made a shocking discovery: a Terror Cow sions from its claw, not fossilized, but mummified in the conditions of low humidity. The implications were startling: the Ter ror Cow had been living in Idalia much more recently than carbon dating of the original fossil had suggested. The Terror Cow had probably been in central Australia at the time of white settlement. The students huddled arounci the specimen eager to uncover its secrets. Little did they know, but they were about to become closer to the Terror Cow than they ever dreamed possible.
Students started disappearing on Wednesday night. Everyone knows it was a Wednesday, because the loud girl who wore shirts with the day of the week on the front was the first to go. The sudden silence unnerved some of the students so much that they ventured to the outskirts of the camp to check the colour of their urine, (as recommended by Professor Gordonious Griggsalot). Urea concentrations quickly became their last concern, their very last concern. Luckily the extreme fear that gripped the surviving students as they huddled in the researchers' bar caused much pants wetting and so alleviated the need for such comforts as the 'pisswoir.' Outside they could hear terrible bellowing and a hid eous whistling noise as the beasts breathed deeply. Well, they thought the whistling was made by Terror Cows, but some reports have identified the source of the noise as an overactive camp cook. Terror Cows contin ued to circle the campsite, stomping their keratinous station someone would make it through. They were protrusions, shaking their pointy horns and gnashing grazed down before they'd tallied their final beers on their canine teeth. the way out the bar door. The only survivor made it through by adapting his snake wrangling skills and custom-designed stainless-steel wrangling hook to keep Supplies of VB in the bar grew dangerously low. All the beasts at bay. that was left for the surviving few was to make a run for the ranger's station and find where they were hiding the When the second team of Outback Ecology students good beer. Oh, and to call for help and possibly locate a arrived the Terror Cows had returned to their caves (it shotgun or tranquiliscr darts to fight the Terror Cows. was a trogladitic breed) to digest their meals. All that •a^mm^^mmmsev The BiiKdIlans tried to dx^th^ mm Ing loudly ^'m a portulaccip^^ Impeisonatlonsand the Biiazlllans^i^
The initial plot didn't work so well. The Brazilians tried was left was one shellshocked survivor, some tattered to cross the campground doing interpretative dance t-shirts, rolls of film, notes for UQ News stories and a moves and screaming loudly "I'm a portulacca plant." distinct lack of any kind of beer, VB or otherwise. And But the Terror Cows weren't fooled by their botanical oh yeah, they found 'Wacko Jacko,' the resident furry impersonations and the Brazilians became as ephemeral trash-compactor, placidly gnawing away on some tat as forbs in drought conditions. tered t-shirts, rolls of film, the shell-shocked survivor and anyone else who stood still long enough. When the tutors really put their minds to it, they came up with what they thought was an even better idea. Once the news of this shocking slaughter of ecology They were sure it was some "inspired thinking." After students in the Queensland outback spread around donning clever kangaroo disguises they hopped out the UQ, several experts from the history department have door and made their way across the campsite calling out come forth to reveal previously unpublished findings. "we defecate where we eat" to reinforce that they were Australia, they say, was in fact discovered by the Scandi in fact kangaroos. Of course they failed to consider that navians in the 1300s. They returned several times and the Idalian Terror Cow's diet consists mainly of kanga introduced the Terror Cow as a means of biological con trol for the native megafauna. Once the cows had de roo. The tutors ended up defecating where they were voured most of the native giant wombats, the Scandina eaten. The ground was now so damp with blood that vians had planned to return and claim the wide brown some of the Terror Cows slipped over in the mud and lands as their own for farming. Unfortunately they lost deep under the surface frogs awoke from their aestiva their map in a poker competition with the English. The tion and desert seeds began to germinate. rest as they say is history. Finally in desperation someone called "bullrush" in the hope that in the confusion of a rush for the ranger's (Any references to real people, events or places is en tirely coincidental.) Full-time university students are Australia's poorest demographic. The Howard Unless the current centrelink legislation is changed, higher education will government claims that by allowing university students to defer payments continue to be an unaffordable luxury for most, an unbearable struggle for through HECS, the higher education system is accessible to people from all many and an attractive opportunity for few. socio-economic backgrounds. In reality, this is sif^P'y no^J^e case! Unfortunately the strict definitions of independence under the Youth Allowance UQ Union working for you - with your help. regulations prevent many students from accessing income support whilst Contact the Welfare Rights Area on (07) 3377 2939 studying. .UQ This forces many students to both work and study full-time in order to meet the costs of living expenses. Even those students who are eligible for Youth mon Allowance Austudy or Abstudy live well below the poverty line, Infact single adult students receiving Austudy currently live 39% below the poverty line, and students WELFARE RIGHTS AREA on Youth Allowance 20% below! vvww.uqunion.uq.edu.au cxd^t
HIGHS!
"Turn to your buddy beside you and give them a Big High 5!
I had been sitting in the Sheraton Ballroom for only one nninute when I knew it was going to be a long two hours. The excessively successful, who wanted to feel happy with their life. The mulleted enthusiastic, heavily accented chump commanding High 5s was couple were two of the loudest respondents here and gave young standing on the podium, just in front of the couple with matching Darren the encouragement to pull out his Nikko and scrawl a se mullets. I was at a preview for the Tony Robbins "Unleash Your ries of dashes, arrows and crosses on some paper explaining that Power Within" weekend coming up at the Sydney Entertainment between us and where we wanted to be was a "Gap". He assured Centre in September. He's the guy who peddles his self-help us that we shouldn't be alarmed, because Tony Robbins had the CDs and books on late-night TV and the one who convinced Jack answers. Before he divulged this wisdom told us earnestly that Black that an obese Gwyneth Paltrow was okay in Shallow Hal. the most important question we should go home with is 'How Can I Use IT?' He wrote this on the paper and then said: 'What is IT? IT But Anthony couldn't make it tonight. Instead, he'd sent along Is what we are talking about tonight'. And then without any more Darren. Darren's task was to give an introduction to Tony's of a definition of this key term, philosophies, give an idea of what might go down in Sydney and convince us to buy tickets. Why the hell was I there? Good ques "Now turn to your buddy and give them a Big High 5!" (10 tion. It all started a few days previously at the Ekka. minutes In)
After a day perusing the farm animals, ihe dog show (a whole So, what got me from the sundae stand at the Ekka to a moti other disturbing article there}, the show bags and sideshow alley, vational speech at the Sheraton? The following day I found an my girlfriend and I went to watch the fireworks - not usually an advertisement for this Tony preview in the Courier and immedi unsettling experience. Before they started, just as the clowns ately the dots joined in my head. Where is there a stronger sign and horses were leaving the arena, the friendly announcer let the that it has become acceptable to be manipulated to part with our crowd know that the fireworks were sponsored by the great com cash for personal fulfilment than in the world of self-help; gurus pany Dairy Farmers. Fair enough. What made me feel uneasy like Tony Robbins and Dr Phil or in the self-proclaimed Christian (perhaps combined with the concoction of dagwood dogs, steak demi-Gods like Benny Hinn and Joyce Meyer who invade our TV sandwich, fairyfloss, hot dog, strawberry icecream and cheerios sets every night. These guys make millions each year by play in my belly), was the announcer's insistence that the assembled ing on people's vulnerabilities and offering their own brands of kiddies thank Dairy Farmers every 30 seconds. The calls for bliss in CD version. I have often wondered what it is these guys repeated praise climaxed half-way through the display with a do to be so convincing for so many followers. I figured I would huge Dairy Farmers sign made out of fireworks burning corporate investigate what weaknesses these guys play on and see why it adoration into our retinas. is people scream for Dr Phil, fall down for Benny and high-5 for Tony. Maybe then I could come to the bottom of this money for "Are you enjoying yourself girls and boys?" And again, at the happiness exchange and see why people don't blink at doing the end of the fireworks we screamed ourselves silly for Dairy Farm same for Dairy Farmers' fireworks. ers. It was at this point that my girlfriend mumbled a rather nasty Then, as if by fate I checked my mailbox and found an e-mail suggestion of where our fireworks sponsor should go. 1 informed inviting me to interview personal development professional Dr her that she shouldn't take Dairy Farmers name in vain and with Demartini about his new book "How to Make One Hell of a Profit dairy on the mind headed for the strawberry sundae van. and Still Get to Heaven". Settled: the Robbins preview, a healthy dose of late night TV and a stiff Demartini. If only I could curb my On the way over I thought about the fireworks and the reality scepticism long enough to give them a fair go- that almost everything these days is sponsored. Billboards and TV and radio advertising is one thing, but children screaming "1 can see some people are sceptical," our friend Darren twanged out company names? I wondered why everything that provides to us all. "I can see some of you here have that 'prove it to me' some kind of joy is married to an agenda. Why does happiness expression on your face." He informed us all that research has carry a price tag or some fiery sign or announcer telling us to be found that if we sit back sceptically we will only remember 10 grateful for big business? How far does this mentality extend - 15% of what we are told a week later. He then called on us to beyond the Brisbane showgrounds? Let me take you back to the engage emotionally and drop the 'prove it to me' expressions, Sheraton. because otherwise he couldn't prove anything. "You need to get excited tonight and suspend your disbelief. When I tell you to do Of course, Darren wanted to know who in the room wanted to be something, really do it." To see if we'd been listening, Meyer have a similar arrangement with God. He is about the most famous leader around and by claiming a special relationship over and above even the most learned theolo gians, they imply that disagree ment with them is a disagree ment with God's direct orders. Hinn also has a number of congressman and senators who openly endorse him on his website and to the press - so much for separa tion of church and "Now, turn to your buddy and give them a Big High 5!' state. When 1 spoke with (14 minutes In) Dr Demartini about his book "How to Make One Hell of a Profit and Still Get to Heaven" Lesson #1: Don't let them be sceptical. Automatically, (a title that "came to him" eight years ago Darren had put us in a position where If we swallowed what he while meditating in an Italian restaurant on had to say he was right and if we disagreed he was still right, Maddison Avenue), he too put himself alongside because we just hadn't approached it In the right way. Likewise, others. "1 have read 27, 000 books in the last 33 years and 1 stand Dr Phil, the King to Oprah's Queen of daytime television, does not on the shoulders of great giant minds throughout the ages". This respond well to those who seem reluctant to listen to his advice. kind of modesty, coupled with his marriage to New Idea's as Dr Phil's primary tactics in such circumstances is to either reduce trologer extraordinaire Athena Starwoman, made him a difficult his guests to tears with a barrage of tough talk designed to make man to challenge. Speaking of solid endorsements, you can't go them "Get Real", or to make a series of mildly humorous one-lin much better than Dr Phil's Oprah to give you street cred amongst ers about the problem to an enthralled audience. There's nothing middle America. Now firmly established as The self-help man, like a few hundred people laughing at you to make you submit. Dr Phil kindly passed on lesson #2 to his son Jay. He suddenly Benny Hinn, the famous Christian miracle showman with the became a teen psychology expert at 19 with his New York Times silver bouffant hair-do frequently reminds his congregation that Best Seller "Life Strategies for Teens" with Daddy's name dis those who don't believe will burn In hell. A little while ago during played on the cover. Back at the Sheraton I was quickly learning a televised preaching Hinn broke into a strange, growly voice that Tony Robbins was also bit of an expert- that sounded like Darth Vader: "I place a curse on every man and every woman that would stretch his hand against this anointing... "Anthony's revolutionary program, developed after years of You'll never win and your children will suffer. You're attacking studying successful people, can help you in all areas of your life", me on the radio every night; you'll pay and your children will. Darren informed a by now giggly, enraptured audience. He told Hear this from the lips of God's servant". On that note, back to us that by going to the weekend we could make 'powerful chang the Sheraton: es' in our jobs, our families, our relationships, our finances and our bodies. The roadblock to 'unleashing this power', according "Now I'm going to show you a video clip that will help you get a to Darren, lay only in our inner fears. While these were usually bit of an Idea of what Tony does and the impact he has". As this established in early childhood and unknown to us, thankfully signalled a break from IT boy I waited with baited breath. The Tony had the power to help us get the power. And right on cue: video began with a montage of famous leaders and events. We saw Churchill giving his "We will fight them on the beaches" "Now turn to your buddy and give them a Big High 5!' (42 speech, Kennedy, Einstein, Armstrong landing on the moon, minutes in) Mandela, Mother Theresa talking about hungry spirits, Princess Diana holding a child and Bill Clinton at Camp David. Just when Lesson #3: Be the authority on everything. By establish I was expecting to see George Bush reading a children's book ing yourself as the resident expert on every damn thing - from upside down, the video cut to Tony bounding in to a stadium welghtloss to wealth - you cast a fairly wide net that catches just packed with screaming, cheering fans. The voiceover described about everyone. The very rich and spiritual Demartini is another how his revolutionary thinking had changed millions of people's guy who believes he knows everything there is to know on every lives and how he had 'met with, coached or consulted with' the thing. Getting his Dr title from being a chiropractor, he assured US Marines, Clinton, Mandela, Quincy Jones, Harvard Business me that he has been a teacher, philosopher and healer since School, a basketball team and British parliament. After a couple he was 18 and in the past eight years some 520 million people of testimonies and a tonne of images of Tony and his audiences had heard his resulting theories on securing happiness. What's throwing their hands in the air, laughing and screaming the video more he is an expert in philosophy, chemistry, biology, quantum finished. Back came Darren. He looked at the 150 odd people physics and comparative religions amongst^^.^^Hi^fc^other before him and said: disciplines. 1 guess if you're reading a thousand books a year you get to "Turn to your buddy and give them a Big High 5!" (26 know a fair bit. What about Benny minutes in) Hinn? He claims that he receives direct communications from and Lesson #2: Attach yourself to famous people. Granted, with God, Jesus Christ and the being endorsed by someone else who is well-known is a com Holy Spirit and that he has re mon too! in advertising. Whacking yourself on the end of a 'who's ceived a power and authority that who' of 20th century leaders and getting triple their screen time matches the apostles. His teach would be kinda funny if it wasn't so blatantly manipulative. The ings have been widely criticised by unsaid message is that 'If you trust and admire all of these guys, Christians outside the Charismatic then wait until you get a load of me'. Benny Hinn and Joyce movement, but as we know, Benny doesn't take well to sceptics. Dr Phil is another universal authority jumping around and laughing. Then we were told that on the first with a similar list of expertise to Mr Robbins. He has written best night of the Unleash Your Power Within weekend everyone walks selling books on weightless, parenting, personal relationships and on hot coals. A few participants went into some detail about how "Getting Real" and his success stories on his show has ranged this achievement changed their life immediately and forever. from reforming a 32 year-old chronic thumb-sucker to curing a Another woman spoke about how hearing Tony talk about depres woman with a phobia of phones. Given his reputation as the sion in one of the sessions cured her instantly, after having taken super-therapist who can solve anything it is interesting to learn anti-depressants for years. Another person's business had tripled that he is being sued for discrimination at the moment because he revenue almost straight away, while two obese people both said demands audience members sign a waiver stating that they are that they lost large amounts of weight "without even thinking not suffering from any mental illness or under psychiatric care. about it". The film ended and Darren decided to mix things up a bit- Finally it was time to hear the actual philosophies behind what makes Tony such an expert. Darren led out with the discovery "Turn and give your buddy a Low 5" (78 minutes in) that "Action equals Results". He wrote this up on the paper and explained that so many people try all their lives to follow the right Lesson #5: Razzle Dazzle them. By presenting phenomenal course of action to achieve desired results because there are ob acts as incidental, moderate occurrences, everything else you stacles. They don't realise that they need to be'in STATE'. "What say becomes a hell of a lot easier to swallow. 'If Tony Robbins is being In STATE mean? It means having the right mood", Dar appears to be able to solve very serious problems for people ren enthused. While the paper started to fill up with arrows and without even really trying, imagine what he can do for my little circles and dashes, Darren marched on, explaining that you could problems'. Another miracle-maker, Benny Hinn, is the best at the have all the State you wanted, but you needed 'Belief, because Razzle Dazzle. In his meetings, most of those on whom Hinn lays results is 100% and 'How' is only 20% of that, while 'Why' is 80% hands immediately fall backward to the floor. Occasionally, some of the 100%. People should focus on 'Why' more. If you start do fail to go down and he quickly turns away from them. He calls this ing all this you will be in "MUST MODE", which is driven by 'Be being 'slain In the spirif. After a good slaying, Hinn will often haul lief. And to clarify it all, 'Belief is made up of three categories: 1) up someone in a wheelchair, blow on them and make them walk opinion; 2) belief; 3) conviction. Darren: "Does that make sense?" or present a cancer patient he has previously cured. These kind of (no response) "Cool". The paper was now covered in scribble feats are becoming increasingly necessary to maintain audience and Darren decided to call on ol' falthful- numbers and the bank balance with the competition growing. Speaking of the bank balance- "Turn to your buddy and give them a Big High 5" (58 min Darren finally got down to business and talked money. There utes in) were a few options; Diamond Class, "The real Tony experience" was $3,495 a ticket; VIP Class "fairly close to the action" was Lesson #4: Make absolutely no sense, so people don't $1,695; Gold Class $1,495; General $995. While anywhere in the work out it's all common sense. If you make people constant ly play catch up, by speaking quickly, scrawling all over a piece of Entertainment Centre would be "an amazing experience", Dar paper and giving stupid terms to everything you're talking about, ren pointed us to the Diamond Class seating, because we would then hopefully they won't see past the fog. What was essentially probably want to find a new peer group with our new life and a lot your basic kind of 'keep your eye on the goal and things will fall of people made life-long friends there. Finally, that 'Delete All' op into place' pep talk, was turned into utter confusion. Audience tion in the address list on my mobile phone made sense. "I don't members would have to go to the weekend where there would be want to put any pressure on you, but how many people think that plenty of time to understand Tony's complex formula for happi they might go to the weekend?". Up rose the mulleted couples' ness. Dr Dematini also likes to complicate things. He told me that hands and about 80 others. I could not believe it. he has revolutionised psychology by mastering quantum physics and developing a method on how the mind functions called 'The This guy had manipulated us at every turn, used every sales Quantum Collapse Process' - "elegant mathematics and elegant technique in the book and half our number still wanted to fork out laws of the universe are sitting in this process". Supposedly this a couple of grand to go to the weekend. Still, with all of the video method is the cornerstone of his work and is being taught to thou testimonies on top of the dozens of converted souls before my sands in universities around the worid, in companies and even at own eyes I had to ask whether Tony does actually make people the United Nations. When I pressed him for an explanation of the happy. Similarly, if Benny Hinn, Dr Phil, Dr Demartini and co. have method he told me that it was a series of questions that "brings so many followers and are making so many people fulfilled, who equilibrium, balance and poise to the mind and makes you see am I to say that it's wrong? In fact, anyone who wants Demartini's order in the chaos. It opens your heart in gratitude - and book and CD or the information package on the Tony Robbins that's not a metaphor - you actually feel it open and weekend can come up to the Semper office. .you feel love like nothing else you have expe rienced and you will have tears of gratitude". I won't be going to the weekend though, despite three follow- Speaking about tears of gratitude, the Tony up calls. For me, the millions each of these gurus make off the Robbins preview was drawing to an end - insecurities and failures of others is something that no amount of happiness can make up for. As far as I'm concerned making After we took part in another one of people happy is no absolution from swindling them. If, as they Tony's revolutionary, energising say, their theories are so revolutionary, why must they use the discoveries: 'Woah Clapping" (which oldest manipulative sales techniques to convince people to believe involves standing up and clapping and buy? If they have the best of intentions and are so rich and repeatedly while screaming yes, successful why keep charging hapless people thousands for some climaxing in a "whoooooaaaahh razzle dazzle? YES!"), Darren switched on the second video for the As long as we are happy for happiness to be bought and sold then night. Once again we saw we can never complain that every explosion of fireworks demands thousands of screaming, a slogan, that every moment of joy comes in Diamond, VIP, Gold clapping, chanting fans and General Class. ,v ^^^ and a pumped Tony r.«» 1^="' ^1 .yaVia*n d ^tts,„aWn^ ,
JG Things
Citizenship Ceremony 10) Fashionably late for military dignitaries is approximately 47 minutes.
9) The Brisbane Naval Band only knows four songs. It does however know 37 minutes of silence.
8) If you are a dignitary never turn up in person to an Australian Citizenship Ceremony. Always select a representative who has nothing to do with you or your position.
7) The national dance of Australia is Riverdance.
6) The Honorary Member for Indooroopilly believes in the strength of the Irish spirit.
5) Campbell Newman likes to dress up like Pyff Daddy.
A) Through determination, discipline and the will to survive you too could win Bronze on floor rou tine at the Seoul Olympics for China.
3) Brisbane City Hall is falling down.
2) Australian Aborigines don't exist and have never existed.
Olam, youare, weare.Jrish.
by trent kelly Even though I disagree with marijuan- being classed as an illegal drug, a^ .1 citizen of this fair city, 1 am (:om|.)ei!ri to abide by the laws thai govern il. S; what do you do if the cojos catch yo^: with your stash? Well the answcM, m^ friends, is quite simple,..
A lot of people are brought before magistrates with a small amount of wunj, however, as court appear ances have been unsuccessful in reducing cannabis use or drug related offences a sparkling health intervention you at the station for 4 hours, and may choose not to was developed, the Drug Diversion Assessment Program conduct the recorded interview. If all goes according (DDAP). to plan, the officer will make an appointment (usually within 28 days) with the closest DDAP provider. You The DDAP is available to first time offenders who have wil! then sign a form acknowledging that you accept only been caught with a small amount. Under the Po the offer and agree to attend at a given date, time and lice Powers and Responsibilities Act 2000 possession of place. If you do not sign the form, or do not show up, not more than 50 grams of cannabis (around 2 ounces), then they'll probably take you to court. or anything that is used for, or has been used for, smok The DDAP means that the person caught will not be ing cannabis is a minor drugs offence. This is different charged with a criminal offence, have to attend court, if you are busted with lots of baggies/foils, as this may or have a criminal record for a minor drugs offence. come under trafficking. You do however have to attend a 2 hour counselling session with either a psychologist, social worker or You are eligible for the DDAP if you are: clinical nurse. I was asked a series of questions by a - Arrested for, or questioned about, a minor drugs of counsellor to ascertain the extent oi my marijuana "ad fence, and diction": - Have not committed another indictable offence in cir cumstances related to the minor drugs offence, and Question One: How often do you smoke? - Have not previously been convicted of an offence in Answer: Ummmm... once a week. volving violence against another person, and - Admit having committed the offence during an elec Question Two: Why do you do it? tronically recorded interview, and Answer: You know, I like to listen to music and stuff. - Have not on a previous occasion, been offered diver sion. Question Three: Do you take any other drugs? So, if you've just been caught in possession, and you're Answer: No (It is important to answer "No" to this back at the station with the lads, it is important to admit question if you want to get out of the session as soon as guilt, and you are then offered the diversion as a right. possible). If you're nice to the police officers they may not hold After the questioning is over comes the "education session" providing useful information on the health ef fects of pot smoking, and the legal consequences of continued use. This session is simply the viewing of a video made by our good friends at the UQ Drug and Alcohol Research Centre. The bad news is, I have a paired association with seeing marijuana being mulled, and wanting to smoke it myself, so after watch ing the video, I just wanted to have a puff.
So, all in all, if it's your first time and you have under 2 ounces, then it's not such a bad experience. If It is however your second time being caught, you will probably have to make a court appearance. Penal ties will vary depending on the amount that you are caught with and any previous convictions. If the police choose to prosecute, penalties for a small amount will range from a fine to 2 years imprisonment. Penalties for a large amount can be up to a $550,000 fine, and/or 20 years imprisonment.
.^^/Young and Old —Peopfe in An Walks of yfe! »**:mt C^'-yi may he handed you
by the friendiy stranger, it contains the Killer Drug a (Marihuana'^--a powerful narcotic in which lurks Murder! Insanity! Death! WARJ^ITSfG! Dope peddlers are shrewdl They may put some of this drug in the ^J^^ in the "r.'^ or in the tobacco cigarette-
Address: TfiE ISTER-STATE NARCOTIC flSSOCmiJ^ll
, q World of the Epshion loTtoiose Your Sense o ly candace harvey The latest fashion trend sweeping New York is to have your little toe rennOVed. You see, because shoes have become increasingly skinnier and pointier, wonnen are finding it Increasingly painful to suffer this modern version of foot binding and a group of fashionistas obviously started chat ting one night over a couple of bottles of Crista!: 'wouldn't it be great if we didn't have a little toe'.
Yes, that's the world of fashion. They make shoes that only fit four- toed feet, clothes that only look smoking are now tres faux pas, not Vogue 2004. good if your breasts resemble honey-dew melons Lucky for me though, the trend I love the most and if your legs are the length of your boyfriends' gets revived every couple of months. Just last but a quarter of the width (an eighth if you're one month Vogue redubbed it 'Space Invaders', citing of the lucky ones). Your hair should be a cascade C3P0 from Star Wars a fashion icon emulate. It of shiny silk and your skin radiant with the healthy showcased pictures of models wrapped in al-foil glow of the latest fake tan technology. However, and gold lame. You can see the diffused effect of this picture runs deeper. It's no longer just about this around campus with all the gold and silver an image ~ It's about a lifestyle. Welcome to shoes adorning the feet of those 'in the know'. the world of glossy magazines in the twenty-first century; where investigative journalism peaks at the all important IN and OUT lists. These lists are Will got \t right when he claimed fashion was a no longer just compilations of expensive clothes deformed thief. Fashion is the vehicle by which a and accessories. They now refer to a whole range new identity is thrust upon us every six months. Fail to conform and you may find yourself on an I of things. Authors, artists, books, movies, holiday 6 destinations, brands of champagne, restaurants OUT list and in the cold waiting in line outside and celebrities can all be IN or OUT. the latest IN nightclub. With new trends come new idols, new music and new books and new television. Fashion is only part of the parcel and For example this month (or last month by the clothes no longer maketh the man or woman. So time you read this; remember fashion is fickle) we to be in Vogue, you must now make over your are to be inspired by Virginia Woolf and dress in whole life every six months: from the linens on voluminous Victorianesque ball gowns, antique your bed, the paint on your walls, the clothes in V n3 jewellery and feathers. 'To the Lighthouse' has your wardrobe, where you socialize, your wants been translated by the fashion pack as a young and your goals. Confused? Never fear, all you woman's journey spending an afternoon trying need to know can be found on a page probably on a myriad of dresses and experimenting with labeled: What's Hot, What's Not. \ Lancome's new mascara and eyeliner, (t also proves they're not above manufacturing false But this is not al! bad, after a number of years you fashion icons because the only photo's I've ever will be more than equipped for any fancy-dress seen of Virginia were all about a cigarette in one \ party theme thrown your way. On any given day I hand reclining thoughtfully in dowdy cellulite can do an Audrey Hepburn, Bjork, Shirley Manson O i forgiving paisley. However paisley, cellulite and or Bridget Bardot. In a way, you could consider conforming to fashion trends an education in pop culture of the last 50 years. si •
We shouldn't underestimate the power of a fashion Icon. Kate Moss, the most cited fashion leader of our time can change the international o V fashion mood with a simple trip to the grocer.
'i ^ When Kate wore fur, suddenly animal cruelty was no longer a concern (charities also find a place on the lists) and on every IN list was a fur coat. Then when Kate had a baby - suddenly everyone jumped in the sack and babies were cool again; Gwyneth, the oth er Kate (Hudson, Goldie's daughter), Courtney Cox all got the hook up, J-Lo has allegedly been pregnant for at least a year and Jennifer Aniston can't stop talking about how much she suddenly wants little Pitt's running around. Along with the baby trend came HOT baby accessories namely Baby Dior and Baby Gucci. Incidentally, if John Howard is serious about increasing Australia's birthrate all he needs to do is create a few Australian IT girls - get them knocked up (by a third party of course, I can't see more Little Johnny's being an incentive to procreate) and get pregnancy on the IN list. Fashionista's will start popping them out and using the baby bonus to get a couple of those IN Baby Gucci booties.
So in a world of IN's and OUT's, of HOT's and NOT's and IT girls and IT boys - what kind of generation can we expect to become? One accustomed to sur gical modifications if we happen to have a nose on the OUT list. A generation that calls Michael Moore a propagandist because it's the cool thing to do. A group that plans its life around what we should do and what we shouldn't according to the gospel of Vogue. Before you know it you can develop a great big 'stylish' prejudiced radar that automatically eliminates anything unusual and interesting.
Before obsessing over the latest bejeweled camisole, why not obsess over the world outside your closet. Don't let IN and OUT lists define a new identity for you every month. Remember these are the same glossies that believe Linda Evangelista's face and the camera lens is one of the great love stories of our time and champion new fashion boutique's called 'Assin'. I guess if you're going to have four toes, you probably got rid of your arse a long time ago. GET YOUR TEETH INTO SOIVIETHING DIFFERENT!
• Study abroad for a semester or a year your masters in 1 year • Complete your degree with honours In just three years Boost your job prospects, gain independence and make new friends Visit our website for more details: www.britishcouncit.org.au/educationuk
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•• BRITISH COUNCIL EDUCATION > Australia ihc Ix'si MiM (.'lin he I COULD HAVE BEEN A CONTENDER: HOW DEMOCRACY TOOK AWAY MY DREAMS OF OLYMPIC GOLD
It started innocently enough. I was watching year-old gymnast will have the blistered, bleed some sort of pre-Olympics hype on the ABC ing hands of a champion. about an Australian gymnast who was strug gling to overcome his shoulder injury so he could Now I ask: What is Australia doing for its young compete in the Athens Olympics. It was then that athletes? I certainly never had the opportunity I first asked myself the question. Why are com for any of this and yet at the age of five I was far munists so darn good at gymnastics? and above my classmates in terms of flexibility Is it the discipline? The sheer numbers of them? and contortion. Where was my communist coach? Or just the colour red? My smiling Russian ringleader? It is clear that I and my fellow Australians and everyone who It's not only that they're having a good couple of cares about sport have been failed by Western years on the pommel horse either - Communists democracy. have always been really darn good at gymnas tics. And Australia, piddly little constitutional Yes, Australian gymnasts have the choice to train monarchy that it is, has never even cracked it for hard. But choice does not bring the opportunity an Olympic medal. to go really really hard. What Australia must be prepared to do is to take that choice away from This got me thinking.., our young gymnasts and put it in the hands of a Chinese woman with a whip. I can hear it now... I could have been a contender, I could have been Gold Gold Gold for Australia. Tune in to the gym at Athens 2004! But as a citizen of Australia I nastics arena, Athens 2004 and you'll only hear was never even given a chance. the strains of "Internationale" and see the same old Soviets standing atop the dais. People say Australians take their sport too seriously. I say we don't take it seriously The only logical thing to do is to blame Austra enough. lia, blame democracy and blame the system. But most of all we should be blaming John Howard Let's take a look at the path of a young Chinese and the bunch of inflexible; short-sighted, anti- gymnast on her way to glory. communist bunch of libertarians he hangs out She will be hand-picked by coaches who will with. If they're happy enough putting Afghani- pluck her out of kindergarten. For her, gymnas stani and Iraqi children in detention camps, why tics is not a hobby or pastime; from the age of 5, isn't it good enough for our own potential cham she is drilled round the clock at a government- pions? run athletic school. She boards at the school and is rarely allowed to see her family. She is worked If there's ever been a good reason to reinstate brutally hard and by the end of this time the 9- the commie cause in Australia, this is it. Could YOU resist BRAmWASHINC by the COMMUNISTS? Tliere are many reports of gruesome torture used by Communist cuptors on their victims—usually to wring false confessions out of them for propagan The Truth ..About Communism/ Room 200, 3401 W. Wisconsin Ave. -----——--—-—-—— Milwoukee, Wis* 53208 -—---——------—— >mmimii'r •.wwiwtimi mmmmmmmmimimmi}^ e. c o I tA {- r (/\ \ -V irt iv-\ c-l LA o\c 3 $6 \- r' >rs "The first 50 metres were okay but in the second 50 metres I got a bit worried and thoucht I wasn't coins to make it. Then something happened - I think it was all the people getting behind me,'' he said. '•.1 i1 - ^S"^1? lOOm JL • ^ Jmmi % 'f mc m EEL: WHERE IS HE NOW? He was Eric the Eel, hero of the 2000 Springsteen - 2002 Sydney Olympic Games but where is he Scheduled to be Equatorial Guinea's first now? Most remember Eric swimming the man in space in early 2007 slowest 100m freestyle at the games but Training for a comeback in the 2004 few know how much he has achieved in Athens games, he is believed to have the four years between Games on the shaved a minute off his time. back of his remarkable swim. Check out his CV! Secretary to the deputy under-secretary So what's next for Eric? of the UN -2001 Brief fling with Paris Hilton - 2003 Guest starred on ^Wil and Grace' - 2002 You can catch him playing Married into the British Royal Family, now Danny in the 25 year anniver 34th in line for the Crown - 2004 Toured as back-up singer with Bruce sary movie remake of Grease 1968 Grenoble Olympic Games The very first Olympic mascot and the best. This is actually how 1980 Moscow Olympic Games people look in Grenoble. Elegant and timeless, Misha was the best thing going for the Mos cow games, a legend amongst mascots. 1972 Munich Olympic Games The idea of a multicoloured dachshund is pure genius and we don't care what anybody else says. Two thumbs up to the Germans. 1 2 The Semper Mascot Games 3 1980 Lake Placid Olympic Games Replaced the live raccoon mascot "Rocky" of Lake Placid who died before the Winter Games in 1980. 1994 Lillehammer Olympic Games In a homage to Village of the Damned, the Norwegians made Aryan supremacy fashionable again. Several pairs of real-life blond, blue eyed Norwegian children also travelled the world promoting the Games. 2000 Sydney Olympic Games Nuff said. «aSI^ iSS6- 1988 Calgary Olympic Games The white trash of Olympic mascots. 1992 Albertville Olympic Games More 'Shitique'than 'Magique'if you ask us. 1996 Atlanta Olympic Games No wonder people hate Americans so much. V 1976 Innsbruck Olympic Games We can't quite decide why this mascot 1998 Nagano Olympic Games is so disturbing. We think it's the hat. Originally the Nagano mascot was a weasel named "Snowple", but he was deemed a little too weird and was replaced by the more accessible snow owls. 1976 Montreal Olympic Games WORST MASCOT EVER. Looks more like a turd with racing stripes and a tail than a beaver. 2004 Athens Olympic Games 1984 Sarajevo Olympic Games Since when did a penis with a The angriest mascot of all time fat arse and large feet become Vucko was canned after as an acceptable Olympic mascot? saulting a group of German team officials with an iron bar ruo (\iWeno, ?Kevo5 was this photo taken in iraq? before or after the invasion? would the people using it tell you the truth? - '•'•••(. ^^ff/^^Jjc could this just be kids playing marbles? JYLE ich carried nearly 200 fe\yer passengers; )ut the questions in answered. Story by Andrew Swayne The Australian government claimed it had no prior Tony Kevin: knowledge of the unfolding tragedy. Yet ministers and Yes I have, I haven't really wanted to ask them to rehash senior officials from the beginning tried to mislead the what they said in the radio/video recording which was Australian Senate and the community over important made a week after the incident in Jakarta when their questions. What did our government and its agencies memories were still very vivid and traumatic. I take the view that the earliest testimony is likely to be the most know about the boat and its fate and when? Did they authentic. So I went over the transcript carefully, which have any responsibility for the tragedy? Did thoy have a by the way is on the public record, you can go and see it duty of care to save the survivors that they shirked? on Marg Hutton's website www.sievx.com but I felt those - Press Release 'A Certain Maritime Incident'. stories needed to be told again and needed to be told again to a wider audience because they are the most mov On 18th October 2001 over 400 asylum-seekers crowded onto ing and heartrending stories and I wanted them to be told a boat, now known as SIEV X, to depart Indonesia for Aus again. tralia. The boat was not equipped to carry that many people, it was unseaworthy and should never have left land. Subse Semper: quently on the 19th of October the boat tragically sank with the Again going back to your first response you said that you loss of 353 lives. started asking questions and that seems to be the key theme running through the entire book. You set out the Semper talked to Tony Kevin, a retired public servant whose facts relating to the Incident or the testimony given at the 30 year career included stints In the Prime Minister's depart Senate inquiry then pose a series of questions. But these ment and as Australia's ambassador to both Cambodia and questions never seem to be answered? Poland, about his book 'A Certain Maritime Incident', which he has written about the sinking of SIEV X. Tony Kevin: Precisely and that is really the method of the book - the Semper: book is setting out the dossier of questions that are based How did you first become aware of the SIEVX story and when on evidence that the senate has four times called upon the did you become involved in its coverage? government to set up a full powers Independent judicial enquiry to try to answer those questions in a court with Tony Kevin: full legal powers. I'm not making allegations, I'm simply I stumbled into it by accident. I was reading the odd news saying that all of the evidence points in the direction that paper story on it. I'd kept a fairly haphazard file of clippings, these are very serious questions which have not been not with any intention to do anything, I was just a little bit answered and that indeed there has been a deliberate curious and then I saw a report which appeared in December determination on the part of government national secu by Vanessa Walker of the arrival of one of the survivors - a rity authorities not to answer and that comes through little twelve year old girl. There was a sentence in that report very clearly in the record of the book. Obviously I did not in which survivors had said they had seen military type ships want to defame particular individuals and I took care not in the night after their boat had sunk when they were in the to accuse particular individuals of lying but the record water. These ships had failed to rescue them deliberately and speaks for itself and I tried to use the method of allowing that peaked my curiosity because I knew that Australia was people's own words to represent the many, many ques running a border protection operation in the area at the time tions which remain unanswered. - Operation Relex. And I wondered why these people hadn't been rescued. From the beginning I did not think that they had Semper: been Australian boats, I believe the Indonesia Police or Military Do you think Australia will ever get that judicial inquiry? Boats and that started me and then 1 went back to some of the reporting by Don Greenleigh around the 23rd and 24th of Tony Kevin: October and I saw a massive Inconsistency in that reporting. If we don't we can say goodbye to democracy In this A logical inconsistency which did not make sense. That we country. We have a Prime Minister who Is prepared to had allegedly been monitoring these people smugglers boats set up a judicial inquiry at the drop of a hat into so trivial and when the boat was overdue we issued an overdue notice a matter as the payment of rent on an office building In but yet we did not know that the boat was coming. That was Canberra that happens to be owned by the Labour party, simply logically inconsistent and that was what started me. the same Prime minister has ignored four Senate motions When I started to ask questions the issue started to snowball, calling for a judicial inquiry into a possible Australian con the official system started to fall over itself making mistakes. nection to the deaths of 353 people. If those Senate calls A process of progressive discovery as the Senate Committee and indeed this book can be ignored then we can really continued to ask questions and the witnesses under oath kept kiss true democracy goodbye to Australia. putting up stories which they subsequently had to retract the whole thing became more and more apparent that what was Semper: happening was a systematic fabrication of a story rather than a Do you think a change in government few individuals getting it wrong. will see a judicial inquiry take place? Semper: Tony Kevin: There's several elements I'd like to touch on within your an I believe so. If you go back to the his swer but let's firstly go back to the survivors, I've just finished tory of the Voyager disaster, when the book and thought it was powerful and all the way through the Captain of the Aircraft carrier that but the most moving part was the detailed survivor accounts. sliced through a destroyer during There were some amazing stories told of human survival have night manoeuvrers in 1964 had his you had a chance to talk to any of these people directly about career destroyed because the system their experiences? did not want to admit that the Captain of the destroyer was a chronic Semper: CERTAIN alcoholic who'd literally steered Do you think this propaganda mentality is now the political AKITIME IITCIDEKT his destroyer into the path of the reality in Australia? oncoming aircraft carrier. Menzles suppressed that truth in an initial Tony Kevin: judicial inquiry which was In fact There are enormous countervailing forces building up -1 mean a cover up. Then four years later good countervailing forces. I saw Fahrenheit 9/11 the other Holt (Menzles successor as Prime night and I was really impressed but what struck me was how Minister) called for a new judicial much of It was actually parallelled by what is happening in this Inquiry which finally brought out country. You see exactly the same lies, the same careless indif the truth. I think it is unlikely the ference to human life and to the loss of human life whether it truth about SIEVX will come out be our 'own' lives or 'their' lives. Whether we're talking about while John Howard remains Prime Iraqi civilians, collateral damage or grieving mothers. Fortu Minister because he has so much nately be haven't had any Australian soldiers killed in Iraq but at stake in the cover-up continuing. I see exactly the same stupidity, exactly the same indifference But under a new Prime Minister, even under a new liberal to human life, exactly the same indifference to truth over these Prime Minister, and it may take a few years I'm sure the sorts of incidents such as SIEVX, the Invasion of Iraq, the mis : truth will come out. treatment of Hicks and Habib despite their rights as Australian citizens and human beings. It's a very similar picture but the Semper: point I'm making is there are very strong forces starting to The cover-up seems to be continuing, I saw on the SIEV X fight back. Some of this is going to be channelled into the elec website that Amanda Vanstone had denied any associa tions but regardless of which party is elected I think there are tion between the organisation of a people smuggling boat forces in motion In this country which will say 'No'. The slogan called Gelantipy and Abu Quassey when both Australian 'Not happy John', goes beyond parties. Police Commissioner Keelty and Justice Minister Ellison provided contrary information to the Senate last year. Semper: I saw that Noam Chomsky wrote a blurb for the back of your Tony Kevin: book - how did that come about? That's so typical. They think they can get with any sort of lie because they think well it's just the refugee bleeding Tony Kevin: hearts asking these questions so you can tel! them any I was put in contact with Noam Chomsky about a year ago thing and though I'm proud to be a refugee bleeding heart by Mary Dagmar Davies and she runs an interesting website myself, what I've tried to do in this book and what Marg containing condolence messages for the victims of SIEVX and Hutton tries to do on her independent website Is to keep she had got a condolence message from Noam Chomsky and 1 putting the focus back on the evidence and showing the she suggested I get in touch with him about the book which I way in which the evidence is being lied about because this did. He was very interested in the Issue because he had been is the only way we will get to the bottom of this. observing the way in which many illegal entry boat people were sinking in the Mediterranean and in the Caribbean and Semper: he complemented on the extent of my public efforts. He said On one hand putting the pieces of the puzzle must have 'nobody In Europe or the United States are doing anything been a fascinating intellectual exercise but at the same like this so you've gone further than anyone else to uncover time horrific to see how the multiple deceptions fitted the possible extent of disruption practices which result in together. people being drowned'. So when the book was completed, my publisher and I, agreed that I should send him the proofs and Tony Kevin: he was extremely generous In his response and we asked if In the course of doing this research I lost all faith in the we could use some of his language in the book's advertising integrity of the national security agency of my country. and he said gladly. So that's the story. He's read the book and I don't imagine he hands out such praise lightly otherwise he'd Semper: never stop having people asking him to commend their books. How was that for you after serving the public for thirty I think it's very important that Noam Chomsky commended years in a variety of positions. this book. Tony Kevin: Semper: It was extremely confronting for me and I found myself Thanks very much. going through periods probably approaching depression f because when the view underpinning your professional Tony Kevin: < and ethical life is challenged so fundamentally you won Thanks, I hope the book will live der just who or what you can believe in. I did find comfort in numerous things but particularly in the writing of the Semper: dissidents under the former communist regimes In the I hope it's only the first edition and Soviet Union and in Eastern Europe - someone like Milan the final draft won't be written until the Kundera for example. I felt I was inhabiting that same questions are answered. shadowy world of duplicity and untruth. I think I've come through it a stronger person but there were definitely Tony Kevin: some pretty tough moments along the way. Yeah. Rokaya lost her husband and two young daughters on SIEVX. She was heavily pregnant at the time and later gave birth to her third child in Indonesia. According to film-maker Hadi Mahood who has been working on a documentary film about the survivors of SIEVX, Rokaya has returned to Iran. This is her story. My husband said 'This is my daughter Kawthar.' Her father When they came to us and showed us the boat, we were told tried to revive her, he called out to her and then started to that this boat was not the one to get us to Australia, it was only choke in pain and sorrow. He looked quite strong until he saw a transit boat that would get us to the boat that would bring his daughters and he started choking. He said 'I have lost my us to Australia. They put us in a very small place on the boat, family. I have brought you to this, 1 do not deserve to live.' He with children on top of each other. We remained there till Gam said 'i cannot stay, I do not want to see you die in front of me.' and then the boat moved out and kept moving till 3:10pm [on As he was talking he was looking very tired. He was crying and Friday] when It began to sink. his grip became loose because of exhaustion. Then a wave came and washed him away from the timber. The engine stopped working. Some went to fix the engine whilst others were taking water out and a third group tried to His friend saw him drifting past. He asked him 'Why did you move left and right to keep the boat balanced in the water. leave your wife?' He said 'My wife died, I don't deserve to live.' He was floating with a lifejacket, looking to the sky, saying The water came from the left and then the right and the boat 'This is because of me, I brought my family to their death.' He capsized. When it did, the women and the children started asked me to forgive him. He said 'I brought you to Australia, to come out. I grabbed my daughters, aged five and two. My you did not want to come here.' husband was fixing the engine inside, my daughter was crying wanting her father. He came out to see them before the boat 1 was left alone. The other survivors were taken elsewhere by capsized and then went back to fix the engine. the waves. As I was holding my daughters trying to keep them from I felt alone until the middle of the night. I heard cries from drowning, a woman came and stepped on my elder daughter others from time to time, but I could not see them. Later I saw as she was scurrying for safety. I pulled my daughter up but two people. Ra'ad and Abu Mohammad - the latter was my the women kept tripping on her repeatedly until my daughter husband's friend. I yelled out to them 'Take me with you, I am sank and I could not pull her up anymore. I only had my alone.' They pulled my plank towards them where there was younger daughter now. I started to look for my husband; I another woman holding on. She became tired and sank under could not find my elder daughter anywhere. the water twice and died. A woman looking for her two daughters came. She did I kept holding on. I asked the man 'Are you Abu Mohammad, not know what she was doing and she pushed me and my my husband's friend?' He said 'Are you Umm Kawthar?' He daughter under water. I was able to keep holding my daughter- said 'I thought that you all died because you were inside.' I she pushed us a second time and we were still able to go up. said 'Abu Kawthar and the girls died.' Abu Mohammad said But on the third occasion my daughter was lost. 'We will also die like them in five minutes.' Ra'ad said 'I am feeling sleepy, I have to sleep, I cannot stay with you.' Abu I then saw a man by the name of Yasser Elhelou, he lost his Mohammad said 'Do not leave me alone with the lady, I entire family. I called out to him but he could not help me. cannot help her on my own.' i saw another man wearing a lifejacket, I asked him to help me find my daughter. As he turned I realised that it was my Ra'ad then drifted off. We remained until the boats came and husband. I told him that my daughters were taken under. He rescued us. said 'Maybe someone has rescued them.' He was able to grab a floating plank of timber for me. We Tony Kevin's "A CERTAIN MARITIME INCIDENT: the sinking Went on the plank for a while. I said that I am in despair for my of the SIEV X" is having its Brisbane Launch: daughters. He said may be someone has rescued them. Then 6:30 pm Thursday 9 September I saw my small daughter Alya floating, eyes open, dead. Her Brisbane Powerhouse father embraced her and started calling her name; he kissed Lamington St, New Farm her and hugged her. I said 'God has taken her'. He said 'Come see her'. I said 'I cannot look at her'. He left her, then a little Speakers include Tony Kevin, Terry O'Gorman, Qld Council later we saw the body of my elder daughter with the body of of Civil Liberties, and Senator Andrew Bartlett, Australian the woman who was responsible for her going under water. Democrats. The other woman's two daughters, twelve and eleven, were also floating by her, both dead; my daughter was on top of her Make sure you all get along. head. "If dey (de Democrats) don't have de guts to come up here in front of you i.:::.••'•...-', \:t, and say;'l don't vont to represent yog, I vont to represent dose special !-•: Interests, de unions, de trial lawyers ^k ^^^^^^^^^^^H^^g«^ .^j;'H^V'J| ... If dey don't have de guts, I call dem y^ g<^ girlie men." ^ - Arnold Schwarzenegger T7th July 2004 ' ' • • ' • • • -^ ' •' Vote 1 Arnold:.He Hasdel/ords. .- V " Qx^^^i^^ySy- An Australian Government Initiative • An essay competition on corporate social responsibility opens for university students on 30 July this year. If you are a student currently enrolled in an Australian university you can enter the competition, which offers great prizes for both you and your university. The winning entrant will receive $2000 in cash and his or her university wilt be *16T PRIZ^ 15 awarded $3000 to buy a learning resource, second prize is $600 and third prize is $400. The competition is an initiative of the Prime Minister's Community WW kM Business Partnership, a group of business and community leaders who advise Government on, and promote, individual and corporate social f-09. HOW?. responsibility. Every student who enters will receive a certificate of UNIVeRSITV participation from the Partnership and the judges may award certificates of merit at their discretion. Call the Competition Secretariat on 1800 359 918 or visit www.partnershlps.gov.au cioeiHC? v^-re is moM 29 ooiose?.2oo^ Need an entry pack for yourself or your university? Call the THE PRIME MINISTER'S COMMUNITY publications ordering line on 1800 050 009 and quote FaCS 1719a BUSINESS PARTNERSHIP Semper's Exclusive Story on The Abbott-Latham Tryst Becomes National News and the Subject of New Book: Latham and Abbott _ With all this coverage Semper Editors have struggled to come up withxn_e^^ngle. I yearn for the day we can be together. If only John Howard would let me follow my heart. Sigh. why doesn't Tony \ Tony? Tony? Sigh/ rideMOME ride with "'•*'"•' BOOJSiyKIIIEIiPONSININElttlDFIDEJiS and a Y^ol?^g Do you believe in the authority of the publications, posters and articles put before you? Are you compelled to live by a new set of beliefs and strive towards a set of ideals that you have been exposed to? We live in a time of rapid information exchange, ideas and concepts bouncing across the planet faster than ever before %etarians and with it, an increased flow of propagan da. Even though we might consider our selves more media savvy than eveo we are still affected by it. a GtasslaopP^' ^ and Me By Nick Hipgrave ::^-^.^' m ypo •:s. y. '•i J P^..O 'y \p \pym ^<. *: ^ ¥y:^^^ ''^^'^^•.^. _«>«^';'i^'.' ,. vr. H k ^ * •• ^'y to subdue and preserve them. They give jars containing p,ropagand a is all about 'us and them' and which side 80% ethanol to preserve the specimens and killing jars. you belong to. It is an image of simplicity projected onto The killing jars have a small amount of plaster of paris set complicated issues. Emotional and passionate, it uses in the base, soaked with ethyl acetate. The ethyl acetate our basest fears and desires to win you over to their side. is used to suffocate the insect, quickly and ethically with It serves to reassure people that things are going okay the intention of giving them as painless death as possible. or that things are going horribly wrong. Propaganda is They are little gas chambers. there to change our behaviour and ideologies for some one else's benefit. Initially I didn't have any problems with the collection until I actually started collecting. I even joked around The propaganda we live under can sometimes be over with one of my friends that I would be a little Adolf Hitler bearing. We don't even notice when it gets to us. It has sending my victims to a miniature insect Auschwitz (as changed through the ages but It still coerces us to vote a horrible as it is to joke about the Holocaust). I did not certain way, live a certain way, believe a certain way or believe that my conscience would be provoked Into action spend our money in a certain way. by killing a few bugs - but it was. My first volunteer (I refuse to say victim), although unwilling, died a martyr's Take last month's offering by Semper Floreat: Free Range, death for a scientific cause and I hope to remember this a successful piece of vegetarian propaganda. I call It pro little grasshopper for the rest of my life, I feel the urge to paganda because of its tone, its sensational appeal to the name him and cement his life in my memory. He was a emotions and its desire to affect its audience. I can safely beautiful little grasshopper, dark red, orange and brown call It successful because it affected me. I am an un- with powerful legs. Immature, he had yet to fully grow apologetic meat eater who is always skeptical of left-wing his wings and enjoy his potential to fly, and I killed him. vegetarian bohemians. They have a tendency to piss me I caught him with my hand and felt him jumping around, off when blathering on about the ethical superiority of then transferred him to the killing jar. I dropped him in their eating habits, often while wearing leather or enslav and screwed the brown lid on quickly and the awful ing animals as pets or as producers. Both are things that smell of ethyl acetate made me think about I find contradictory for people who are concerned about what ^6 he was going to experience in his final the welfare of animals. y^ yy\ moments. The grasshopper jumped "If you triumph there will be militias in Cuba" - Fidel Going to Cuba. I thought the things I would notice would be similar to the ones I saw in the images broadcast in movies and photos of Cuba. You l "Che - It was Q star that put you here and made you part of this community." "Che is liberating and win ning more battles than ever." ~ Fidel :lry.py\py >>-;; sy-,-; •,••.••,•;...•-.-•• ffilSf^; '''v^i'^•"•'iV•'^:.'i?r•'^;;•^•f^"^iw^;•li'•^vv^ :':K^.\ :• :' • •'••/'-• •'•'.•::•'••• ipPO'O.O •Ofiy''^'?lr^;p-y'p.y>'t^^^h.ii^^Kt, •ppO---P•:.••:•••'••-jy:0-p'^APk- •'•••"• • • '• y•''•"•^'P~^0•'yp•'^•0p.0O'kyoP^^m^^ •s;-.'.!-. The w^yl'yerbeen brought uja and thfe pebJDJe I've hung - ^^rbund With means that when I go out I sum up * M^I;!^?^; •.•,\:•t'•l^;j!^;i. 'kyP.Oky]-' '':0-p\^Sr ''iOO^'^r'^- ': .••;',• "•• •.:-,i: -; I •• . r ;;: • 'f • tion, "Would you risk losing the one you love for a one night stand?" First up was Michael, 26, a teacher-aide who said, "No. If I was in love with someone and had made a prom ise to them to be faithful then I wouldn't risk it. I don't think that biology is an excuse for cheating because •,;.-;i,.:j, .-.•>' ;;: 0.'/.. I jJ •:•//: ]i)!.~; everyone has a choice. Unfortunately I do think that women are objectified in the media although at the "'. •'{'-•'i-z >:- 'f" j: V'' .' •'•••:':';;:':••' same time men are also portrayed as sex objects. In a •hp^.u woman I look for someone I can have a chat with and •\.-\ have some fun." >:.i:)!"'-^ ko-y •':-'0.:0]po-p\iypP^p^:^^p Next was Shane, 29 who works on an oil rig. "Yes, I '•"•: ^'' j-^p'- •oi^'^^yyyyy^i have cheated on my partner and I didn't end up telling "•' i;V f ^;• siiO({ SHAMELESS SELF PROMOTION. Rinse. Repeat if neces sary. Or just count how many times my name is men tioned on this page. Let's be frank: Propaganda, as I'm sure you have discovered through the various pages of the tome you now hold, can be used for nefarious purposes. Think Propaganda and you think Hitler, Stalin, and Microsoft. But it doesn't have to be that way. Propaganda can be used for good as well as for evil. I have used it for good, plugging myself (not like that, you dirty little man) as often as I could until, viola, I am a recogni sable brand. I may even trademark my name, and sue that tuba playing doppelganger in Boise, Idaho. Without blowing my own trumpet, Brisbane has been THIS. ACCORDING TO GOOGLE, IS JACOB ALDRIDGE. described as 'two degrees of Jacob Aldridge'; that Is, if HE MAY OR MAY NOT BE THE JACOB ALDRIDGE WHO you don't know me, you almost certainly know some WROTE THIS ARTICLE. body who does. Just ask around, you'll be surprised. Now Brisbane is a small town, to be sure, but it gives immense satisfaction to an egomaniac when I am in troduced at parties as 'that Jacob', or better still people Propaganda is my suddenly realise that I am the famed "Jacob Aldridge". If you are keen to develop your own fame, propaganda yourself, I can assure you it is not difficult. You must set out an appropriate timeframe, and follow these basic steps. I spell It STEP ONE: Be brilliant. Maybe I should have mentioned that earlier. If you're not brilliant - gorgeous, or a genius, or preferably both like me - then the rest of this article is not relevant. s< Read It. Laugh. Then Foff. BY JACOB ALDRIDGE STEP TWO: Love yourself. If you don't already believe you are the greatest damn person on the planet, building your own brand is impos sible. If you don't want to see your name in print and your photo on posters, you're wasting your time. I have two pictures of myself on my desk at all times, and I ego surf "Jacob Aldridge" through Google at least twice a day. STEP THREE: Shameless Self Promotion. This is the key. Even If you're tight like me, there are plenty of ways to sell yourself everywhere. Run for Stu dent Union President, Prank a Major Event, Break Wodd b <^^t^ d^i\mA pfofesV Records, anything to build notoriety. STEP FOUR: Never Stop. In twelve months I took the Google search for "Jacob Aldridge" from 128 pages to more than 5,000, and still dl^c^M tOu\M> art ofja^^*^ I persevere. If I can find another person to mention me, I ask them to. And if I can think of another project that will propel me to the world stage, then I plan and ex ecute it. Right now I'm writing a novel. The Cookie from the Cookie Jar'. I get to murder the US President in the pro logue, and the excitement keeps building. It's free - so as many people who want to read it can. It's serialised, a section every week for six months -those who subscribe are constantly reminded of my bril liance. And my name is on every page. If you want to subscribe, send an e-mail to TheCookieFro [email protected]. If you don't - Foff. And if you're sitting there going 'I'd love to be as well known and respected as Jacob Aldridge, but I can't write a novel' then you have two options. Either start small with something you can do - write an article for Semper if you have to - and build your way up to something grand and public. a^^-a Or accept that you don't meet the criteria in Step One, and give up on living the Jacob Aldridge dream. SPEND YOUR SUMMER IN THE USA! Meanwhile, I will never stop self promoting myself. I may only give one side of the story, which means it's Jacob Vegas j^WAiijfS^ fUuSS] Aldridge Propaganda all the way, but that isn't a bad las thing. It's a brilliant thing, just like me. :.Iias .' OMii^/a ^h - r'Alaska "What's next?" you probably didn't ask, but I'll answer WM y anyway. Who knows? I have plans to release my first WORK TRAVEL album - who cares if I can't sing - and the damn Ameri Are you currently a lull lime student returning to full time ^^^^ cans broke my world record so I'll need to do that again. study in semester 1,2005? You could be spending your Don't lorget for all your travel summer holiday working and travelling the USA! needs visit your nearest We have many cities to choose from! Contact us now! Backpackers World Dravei Or maybe you (yes, you) have an Idea, something bril For more information phone store or liant but requiring the involvement of someone great. (02) 8235 7051 or Freecall Or even me, I'm up for it, just ask. If I can find a way 180067 6763 to get involved and become even more famous out of it, e: [email protected] v/VAV.backpackers world.com you can guarantee I'll be there quicker than you can say 'Jacob Aldridge'. Now, go subscribe to my novel dammit! Work & Travel USA Ci* <\\V»> "^ A Public Service Announcement f '•.','»? Brought to you by Jacinta RIcketts The process of separating fact, fiction and faction, evolves throughout our lifetime. Starting with Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny all the way to the Coalition stren- thening Medicare and fighting the ''war on terror'' we are all The following are but a few examples from my own life; v*';i:'-^V y-: ..• Kindergarten ^p ;#•" . ^. • While learning about my faith a classmate asked what the 'Virgin' Mary r"" meant. We all nodded in acknowledgement when the teacher told us it meant "she was a very nice lady" (14 years later I'm still confused. Was the underlying message here that virginity is an attribute of nicety? Or was this just a case of lies to children) :t.% .'., Year 1 «».'-^-'' '0: :'i^ Grammar lesson and we're introduced to the adage "I before E except after •\J:IS^: I C" An attempt to simplify the English language for our young minds or a ploy to make us misspell 'sleigh' in the spelling bee? Negative numbers are also a concept foreign to primary school education. Remember being told M^..y it's not possible to subtract say 10 from 1? This is all under the guise of '&yy'-'.:. making learning easier. Easier for whom? Year 7 PE prac having forgotten my prac clothes for the fourth week running I had to copy from the textbook the section on how people who don't participate in sport, have no friends/social life, an inactive mind will die prematurely, m. are lazy, prone to the perils of peer pressure, drug use, depression and suicidal tendencies. Whereas people who exercise regularly (especially in yy:^.'^->'U team sport) are happy and healthy, being high on endorphins or perhaps other substances (especially if you're a member of a cycling team). So I'm paraphrasing, but obviously these people have never been to a junior rugby league game where parents get into punch ups, swear at the 13 year old ref and some players just can't help shoving the knee in after they execute a tackle. ^•'•v,. ^^^ y^iih t\\\ ;•••••-•{•>• •-' l^-k i>-; •ixj:- '•^ ^.^ .ij:-i.-l^o Years The Ph scale from 1-14, (did they pull that out of a hat or was it because we were turning 14 that year) the periodic table who are "happy" when they have 8 electrons, Science students would be awfully 'happy' if it all ended there. Year 10 •i5i;Sa^ Though respect for the individual's talents, beliefs and rights are enshrined %.mp^ in the school mission statement, a petition against compulsory entry into large choir section of the local eisteddfod earns me an after school deten tion. Year 11 As a casual employee at the loca! patisserie, I placed three-day-old mud- cakes in packaging labelled "guaranteed fresh" while assuring the customer it was "fresh," Custom dictates this is not a lie, Tresh' and 'made that day' are very different things. Year 12 !^ "You will look back on this as the best time of your life... the choices you X ^yi} make now, and the OP you get as a result will determine your future". Highschool. Two years later it is all somev^'hat of a blur to me... What was ^%5W^ my OP again? lt'V^»^.r^=" 1^}K Semester 1 UQ Ever heard of lucky number seven? While living in unit number 7: my bed room door locks me out and all my possessions in, the dishwasher floods '.v>.j the entire unit and the one beneath us and the range hood creates more smoke than takes it away. Of course these could just be figments of my imagination suffered as a consequence of the shower rose falling down and clonking me on the head. Despite all this I'm still v\'orried about getting as signment topic number 13 - I think the whole 'numbers' experience is still subconsciously affecting me. .ViTl-^^ Semester 2 UQ While learning about the philosophy of science, the need to critically anal yse, yet keep an open mind is mixed with a bit of lecturer opinion/propa ganda presented as fact. For example, did you know there are absolutely no issues with GM food - in fact it's safer! Yeah... and the Howard government Is still strengthening Medicare. -n^*'^^ •^^i •<.-; •• N '^'*'*^^ti•^•:v*5•:s^^^-^••:j» \' m^ i^ /; 'o -^,J^ There are a number of banjoists currently updating and promoting the great name (and aphrodisiac) of bluegrass. One of these is Alison MMMII Brown, who recently toured out here and played an enormously fun gig at the Judith Wright Centre, and has a perfect fringe. Another is Bela Fleck. I like to think that bluegrass is making a comeback with all its new-fandangled threads and limbs, so if you want to surf that most ;^IHIBIV mn y •V-.'«, A". ; \..'. FREE RENT FOR A YEAR AND YOU'LL EVEN GET A CLEANER... ARE YOU UP FOR I •> i •*-• check out the details @ onthehouse.com.au Registration closes 5th September 2004 up to the value of $600 a week, totalling $31,200 for the yi iiSTSISfBnii^Knki \ It was the Bratwurst oftimes.. ' Jl '• Semper's own 'David and Margaret' (aka Misha and Raph) review "1001 Nights'' - a restaurant in the heart of St Lucia's fine dining scene. Misha's view- St Lucia is not exactly a budding district for dining. Yet a brisk afternoon walk ^. through the suburb revealed a stretch of quaint restaurants, which though dishwater. Even the most inspired pro biases at first glance, proved perfectly paganda couldn't save this dish. From passable. A fish and chippery, pizzeria our German sausage and chicken soup, and Asian takeout made for "tough deci we then moved dispassionately to the sions" but in the end a small cafe called Turkish dessert menu. The Turkish de 1001 Nights fondled my curiosity... light was delightful and the jelly sorbet not undelicious, yet an inferior baklava On entering 1001 Nights we were im made for short conversation. What is >' 'i. his recipe? It stinks. mediately greeted by the maitre de / '%^^ waiter, who judging by his lackluster ap pearance and desperate resolve to hook At $5.00 for most of the treats on the us in with a quick recital of the day's menu, the temptation of ordering sec specials, was In fact the owner. onds was overwhelmed only by a slug gish and disenchanted waiting staff. 1 I A. An Iranian style grilled chicken looked One may argue that sitting in silent repulsively appealing, as did the Persian deliberation of your food for forty-five Shish Kebab. However, this enchanting minutes is good for the appetite, but I Middle Eastern flavour was then lost be made good use of the time deliberating hind a smoke screen of bourgeois cli my next criticism!!! che with an uninspired carte du jour of chicken wraps and garden salads. I was A tiresome and undistinguished choice surprised then to find an unlikely selec of decor does little to support the res ^^> .^i tion of German sausage on the menu as taurant's Middle Eastern gimmick and well. Now I have seen everything! gives one the feeling that one is eating in a restroom. Unapologetically awkward From my experience I have learnt to seats, impossible tables, and a suspi be wary of any German sausage not cious absence of other patrons gave I 1- made by a German or at the very least me a bout of cabin fever. In addition, a Dutchman, but it was lunchtime and the cafe's unfortunate position with the i\ why notf The choice of Bratwurst, Kran- window facing the slightly more appeal sky and Bauernseufzer was difficult. But ing restaurants across the street leaves when in doubt; Bratwurst, always Brat one regretful, or dare I say, suicidal. wurst. Served in a sufficiently crusty bread roll with an onerous helping of Ultimately, a melancholy mixture of mustard and complimented by a serving sorry service and poor ambience does of over-beered sauerkraut, the dish had little to stir the sands of Araby, but a that amicable flavor that keeps a man run of the mill German sausage tries its honest. The homemade chicken soup, best to compensate for the cafe's many, despite a healthy portion and chopped many, many misgivings. coriander and basil (my two favorite 3 thumbs up. things), had the peculiar aftertaste of '^l By Misha Rouyanian. • - ':/-T /"'' Raph's view- The university's closest shopping com plex has long played host to a large number of restaurants exceptional for their range, quality, and value for mon complemented with Mn 1001 Nights' ey. The newest addition to this peculiar sage advice on the merits of the Ger manifestation of multicultural Australia, man sausage and by his mystical ap is the excitingly named 1001 Night's pearance, which left me expecting fire (apparently Persian) restaurant. The to engulf the frustratingly popular ad restaurant is the brainchild of a happily jacent Indonesian restaurant. Indeed, married Iranian couple, who admittedly if you lunch at the restaurant you will have the definite air of seasoned '"Per almost certainly be given exclusive ser sians" Mr. 1001 Nights, the head chef vice. Perhaps its time I lend a hand with of the restaurant, can regularly be seen some marvelously positive propagan seated on the rarely busy terrace seat da! ing, waiting for customers, reading the Courier Mail with his English dictionary The cheapest item on the menu is a $4 constantly at hand - indeed an impres chicken wrap packed with salads, which sive and encouraging sight for any new is as big as a Subway foot-long sub and restaurant. When one considers the os- puts the chicken fillet sub to shame for tensively geographically similar Turkish quality. Fries cost a mere $1.20 and kebab dealing restaurant La Ciano two are served with mint, and should prob shops down, which is usually staffed ably be ordered with all of Mr 1001 only by a sometimes incomprehensible Nights' dishes to provide crisp texture Japanese teenager, liable to misinterpret contrast to his very wholesome mains. your order by several dollars in undesir There is a vegetarian menu consisting able extras, the respective authenticity of barbequed aubergines or mushrooms of these restaurants is immediately ex on a kebab stick, but these options are posed. currently overpriced and not sufficiently impressive. What saves the restaurant Ironically, perhaps the most remark from decided mediocrity are the Ger able thing about 1001 Nights is that the man Sausages. The sausages come in menu is almost completely devoid of hotdog buns which are one third the f any food which is convincingly "Persian". size of the mammoth sausages, with On viewing the principal menu offer beer soaked sour kraut and diced carrot ing a selection of "Persian" BBQ chick sides. Despite the Spartan sound of the en, chicken wrap, home made chicken dish it is truly special and in my view soup, and three different German sau definitely the most exquisite sausage sages, I quickly came to the conclusion south of the Rhine. Washed down with that Mr. 1001 Nights was a sincere food a cool diet Pepsi your stomach will be '•t\ ^. lover who had divined from the compe swimming in Wagnerian sausage heav tition that he would be more successful en - if only he would provide appropri by claiming that his cuisine was from ate music!!!! The only drawback is that the thankfully uncertain 'Persia'. Exact the sausages appear to take Mn 1001 ly what region this covers is left to the Nights something close to 30 minutes to unwitting customer puzzled by the in make (notwithstanding aforementioned clusion of German sausages and French exaggerations), so I would suggest you •J, ^ -y fries (perhaps Mn 1001 Nights means bring a friend, and perhaps purchase to associate 'Persian' cuisine as the food some light munchies from the Coles most commonly eaten by Persians - of across the road lest you starve waiting. which he is undoubtedly a fine speci ^^^ men). Admittedly Mr. 1001 Nights does All in all a visit to 1001 Nights is a have a selection of desserts including a sometimes quirky, sometimes wonder lovely baklava for a very reasonable $2, ful experience, which is sure to confuse which give some credibility to his dubi and surprise, but in an uplifting manner vA. ous claim. which will leave you wanting to visit Mn 1001 Night's sausage heaven days af That said, I found 1001 Nights to have ter. 3 thumbs up. a refreshing atmosphere, which is well By Raphael Hudson, o c 11 I C 11 K J L (iJ Call me Big Kev cause I'm fucking excited. I use to hate house music with a passion until I heard this crazy Quebecian a couple of years ago. Akufen (Marc Leclair) was one of the artist's that has rapidly made me warm to the genre with his new style of microfunk, glitch techno or whatever you want to call it. This mix has definitely firmed him up as one of masters of the scene at the moment. As if his work on Per- lon, Force Inc, K7,Trapez and his own label Risquee hadn't already done it. It features all the hot names and many of my personal faves like Pantytec, Matthew Herbert, Crackhaus, Krikor and the boys from Ark in various forms and The Rip-Off-Artist. This is like Chanel, Cris- tian Dior, Gucci, Prada, Cartier, YSSL, CK and more all rolled into one, except it's way hotter Interestingly though, Akufen opts not to drop any of his own tunes which is a bit of a disappointment. It still remains an excellent selection, which oscillates between fun and funky, smooth and sexy, dark and broody and in true Akufen style, outrageously cheeky (Senor Coconut doing Smoke On The Water - nuff said). Un like so many of the big name producers Akufen can actually mix, and long, drawn out mixes (well over 1 minute in many cases) seems to be his style. The combination of these long mixes with busy beats and sounds makes for moments of madness. Akufen dishes it all out in utter style with some of the freschest music kicking around at the mo ment. A very slick addition to the Fabric series of mixes, which have showcased many big names in the past, but have failed to deliver the goods. If you can't afford this then steal it from someone who can. -by Tom This album impressed me with each and every song. With quiet lull ing melodies working up to majestic heights of rhapsodic exultation and then falling into graceful melancholia, this is the score of the most eventful yet joyous day of your life. The album ranges from epic and emotional (A Long Day Continues, When the Fool Becomes A King) to overtly poppy (Hold Me Now, Everything Starts at the Seam). Two Thou sand Places is so motivational that it could put Benny Hinn out of a job and Ensure Your Reservation is a simple and beautiful song with lovely pastoral reminiscences. Together We're Heavy is definitely more re fined than its predecessor. The Beginning Stages of..., and presents the world with the fuil realisation of frontman Tim DeLaughter's vision of an orchestrated, indulgent (some songs incorporate up to 100 tracks!) celebration of all that is nice. This is church music for those who love life and not (necessarily) Jebus.When things look shitty, The Polyphon ic Spree could make even the bitterest Scrooge shout out with joy. - by Tim John Hay blames the federal government: It's their fault there's not enough money in higher education. Take a look at UQ news and you'll pick up a different message. This university is rolling in dosh. In fact it's got so much money that it can afford produce a monthly propaganda magazine. 14000 copies. It's the North Korean approach to things. Siure, the people may be doing without electricity and fresh water, but we're going to tell them every day just how good this country and its ruling party is. Listen out for the UQ megaphones blaring pro-John Hay messages in a Great Court near you. DE i'.oi'iiirnAi uOOWH ni»r, ••• i.'-n Boycott this magazine or partake in the oligarchy. ,., ,, ^ - • --MU .> • >.. *J*J >• • '••'>•' • •••• •! •%-• ' ^^•L.i','^ •..>•. •.•••<-.i.-..,. . , . .M. ..,-f: ..•.' MH. .••f«J|fu«.'a»*,- • >•> ,-.» •'••' BUGfesf ^i^^^i^v ;....* ....:^^^^^^.. . ',(,• 40^/../ • '\ Jtr»'4%» .i- PlayTwriting Cbitipetitidn I ^^^^ . ,^_ .^isL ^^Kf^^^ l^'/ : ' \v....^-^^(S^^ ••.• y^^i • •- irr—J^MMI^ '••mM-'- yh.^h^b^^mKsJ^^-*' ' . 1 • I ^Thursday 8th - Saturday 11th'of September 3E^jC^5t^>*^^^ Spm' Play Br^alists . . ... 5S?'-jRkJ2^^ jj^ ,S/xrffiwpte>St»5^'y»urtgf'Srfstian^ tete^^^ )^;Sundayl2thof^^tember .,.,.; •.:•.... p^^^m^^^' .:^-m^^^- t:<, 7pm • BUGfarce ^;:>.^Jy3^L ...,»« , .^ >- * Locally written sketch comedy '^'""^^^H [11/ 's (Gold coin donation entry) •^• B^E wfi^en'by^G^ eiazeiy O^ ^^^^B dfeecteU'by kat Henry I•«*• Monday 13th-Tuesday 14th of September ;;;;;;;:::, "^ :/• • !«.-«i - wr. ^» Bpm - BUGIounge '"" jK|M|- r .un,« S- open mike and coffee! Free entry! ' HrJB -"^ - ^' r^ff,{w9' ^^^^^'^^ *"*^ directed by '^Wednesday 15th'- 17th of September '.>," ,.iUBH..!^''f'^ i (8pm ^ Play Finalists . ^^.^^^^^ .-.: .p^.....yp:. Saturday 18th of September -. ''^Bd '"«^'^""=" ^y AUsdair ouncWn 7pm - Play Finalists , ^••W- directed by Cindy Nelson 9:30pm - BUGfest Gala Awards «.«. ^V*i^* ^^FeaturingcaBUi^aretaiklgr&atf&ffles' .ni;-^-..j^^^ r . >'•< • 3^/!i}J(;;... ''^:Y'ikl^'^)>^]?^im^i:^'^m j^riueaand, direcied.by j^;;.-,,, l«Lil Ift . J Va^l-. 0«Jfi Nicol & Chria Pcttigrcw . -•; „_^,-,^..-^ „^, '^ ^B^. directed.by,Cindy,Nelson,.. . ,. »'»^*€iei _ /"• .uo Underground Grappa di Tignanello, Antinori rTim**""" iHiwTMBwiwwininnariiiiiiiaEaBH HimMLJBJ— Most sensible people reel at the mention of grappa, and rightly so. That's because they think of the herbed rocket fuel that old Italian and Greek men distil from their homemade wine in the back laundry. This form of grappa is a lot fun but unfortunately is associated with a lot of pain, both during and post drinking. The real deal is somewhat different, mainly because it doesn't have the absurdly high alcohol levels. The legendary Antinori family have been producing wines since 1385 without inter ruption, over twenty-six generations. You can pretty much bank on anything that they produce as a winner. Their grappa is no different. Produced in limited quantities, it's made from a blend of Sangiovese and Cabernet grapes from their Tignanello estate. These grapes are first pressed and fermented, from which small amounts are selected for the pro duction of grappa. The result is a white syrupy liquid with an amazingly pungent aroma. On the pal ate it has strong citrus flavours with a fair wack of herbs. The controlled alcohol level (42%) allows it to remain very well balanced, but it still retains enough firepower to give a nice touch of heat to the throat. With amazing persistence in the mouth it will leave you licking your lips and sucking your cheeks for minutes after. A drink to suit many occasions, but definitely served best with funny old Italian men and a set of Bocce balls. One to warm ye cockles on these vaguely chilly Brisbane nights. Price: Availability: Good bottle shops and cellars. The Semper Poetry Corner Given UQ's propaganda about what a great place to study it is, I lave com- posed a short poem for possible inclusion in your next edition: To the University of Queensland My friend Ian has three degrees, My mother a masters. My girlfriend dropped out but is still pretty smart, %mm^y you can all get fucked, [poem ends] •3K* •-• •..•:••'• •• .'-y v«^ THEiiPNiyERSip^ :0\ ;., f. .T'!?**^ .i/'xvtifi^^ '•' ;•••'•'- ' •• •' • •4^'? Vi<^*' -vj-*- .^-.?'.',^^Qcr- •I..':.-' .-'"••.•••.•••• ->.«^ ,. >'.-"- ..••...•:-'•.,•,...^ ...•,,• -:- . .i.-«-v..- "The size (if the lie is a definite factor in causing it to riiTii are consciously and intentionally bad. The, primrtive ^mirsmliirsul to a than a small one, for they themselves often tell little lies, but would be ashamed to tell big lies. ^.-<.v^;,-.-'V<'^:-i; .•>/ ^!pi||r|l|^ ..<^' ''^A" "/:. .i :•) f • soff not hard, soft not loud, soft not cynical, soft not hard cash •(• we want your original artwork, photographs, fiction, poetry, articlest^^ i\ .'• -V 'i .•' •<. ^*v->v, PM. • i • J \>^^> V'v ' P' '•''•• r '•'' •<,>.. ' y o''f:'^-^>*. yp^^-" Softline: September 15 [email protected] •\ •^. '•>>•• \