Production Script

Home , Come Along Now, Goodness Gracious

Book & Lyrics by Bert Bernardi Music by Justin Rugg

PRODUCTION SCRIPT

All performances and public readings of GLITZ! THE LITTLE MISS CHRISTMAS PAGEANT MUSICAL are subject to royalties. It is fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America, of all countries covered by the International Copyright Union, of all countries covered by the Pan-American Copyright Convention and the Universal Copyright Convention, and all countries with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations. All rights are strictly reserved.

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CAST OF CHARACTERS Cast Total: 20 – 5F, 4M, 11 Girls BUDDY PANACHE: A shy, bespectacled piano player with a secret. MR. GLUNCHAPPEN: A befuddled older man. BURNSY: A stage hand (could be cast male or female). SHAYDE SHAMS: Slick, flashy, devious host of the pageant. HELEN HALEY: Devoted mother from Texas who takes the pageant life very seriously. HAILEY ANN HALEY: Her daughter, the most perfect little girl— ever! OLIVIA WESTINGHOUSE WINERACK III: Wealthy, snobbish New Yorker. TAYLOR ADDISON WINERACK: Her daughter. Smart, beautiful and an overachiever. MARYBETH MCCUTCHEON: Sweet, homespun, small town Mom. GOODNESS GRACIOUS MCCUTCHEON: Her daughter. As sweet and simple as her Mom. MUGSY LOREN: Streetwise housewife from New Jersey. SOPHIA LOREN: Her daughter. A tough cookie with no desire to be at the pageant. CHERYL SPANGLES: Fun-loving mom bubbling over with personality. BARBIE SPANGLES: Her daughter. Eager to please, eager to win. PAULA PORCUPONE: A contestant. SKYBLUE MOUNTAIN WINDSONG: A contestant. RONA CHERNOBYL: A contestant. ANGELO ACQUAFRESCA: A contestant. NATALIE NABISCO: A contestant. MISTER JERRY*: Flamboyant, over-the-hill choreographer DONNA LISA DERRINGER: Local girl convinced to enter the pageant. JACOB MARLEY*: A ghost from Mr. Shams’ past (not from Dickens!). FIRST GHOST*: A beauty queen ghost from pageants past. BOY**: A vision of Mr. Shams from his past. SECOND GHOST*: The ghost of a cosmetic saleswoman. MOTHER**: Donna Lisa’s down-to-earth mother who appears in a vision. THIRD GHOST**: A hooded, caped, mute figure. FIRST NUN*: Nun from the country of Spelva. Does not speak English. SECOND NUN**: Another Spelvan nun who speaks English.

*In the original production, all of these roles were portrayed by the same actor to great comic effect. ** These roles may be double cast by actors in other roles.

RUN TIME 80 Minutes

MUSICAL NUMBERS

ACT I #A Little Miss Christmas Fanfare ...... Instrumental #1 The Gift of Winning ...... Company #2 Little Miss Christmas Miss ...... Girls #2A Little Miss Christmas Playoff ...... Instrumental #2B Momologues ...... Instrumental #3 Glitz! ...... Girls #3A Donna Lisa’s Fanfare ...... Instrumental #4 I Got an Umbrella ...... Shams #4A Spirit Sting: Marley ...... Instrumental #4B Spirit Sting: Marley 2 ...... Instrumental #5 Barbie’s Song (I Want to Be) ...... Barbie #5A Bertinelli Playoff ...... Instrumental #6 The Pageant Life ...... Company #6A Spirit Sting: Margaret ...... Instrumental #7 Atlantic City ...... First Ghost, Women #7A Act One Stinger ...... Instrumental

ACT II #8 Entr’acte ...... Instrumental #9 Better ...... Company #9A Better Playoff ...... Instrumental #9B Little Miss Christmas Fanfare ...... Instrumental #10 The Egg Nog Polka ...... Hailey #11 Jingle Bell Jangle ...... Instrumental #11A Spirit Sting: Mary Kay ...... Instrumental #11B Spirit Sting: Mrs. Derringer ...... Instrumental #12 Mary Kay Jingle ...... Second Ghost #13 Simple Christmas Song ...... Goodness #13A Olivia’s Playoff ...... Instrumental #14 Christmas on the High Seas (Anchors Aweigh) ...... Instrumental #14A Spirit Sting: Call Bearer ...... Instrumental #15 Reasonably Pretty ...... Shams #15A Donna Lisa’s Farewell ...... Instrumental #16 Simple Christmas Song (Finale) ...... Company #17 Ribbons and Bows ...... Instrumental

GLITZ! THE LITTLE MISS CHRISTMAS PAGEANT MUSICAL – PRODUCTION SCRIPT 1

ACT I The stage at the Bilgewater Falls Meeting Hall Train Depot is decked out in glitz and glamour. A banner announcing the “Little Miss Christmas Pageant Finals” hangs from above. BUDDY PANACHE enters, a bespectacled, mismatched character who makes his way to the piano. He gestures to the lighting booth as the lights begin to dim. A sad, confused man, MISTER GLUNCHAPPEN, peeks out from the wings and enters. GLUNCHAPPEN Good evening everyone. My name is Fred Glunchappen and on behalf of Millie Sharp, Mayor Farkel and Joe the custodian, I’d like to welcome you all to the Bilgewater Falls Meeting Hall Train Station, and of course the Little Miss Christmas Pageant Finals.

SONG #A: LITTLE MISS CHRISTMAS FANFARE

Fanfare. Oh. That’s our musical guest, Buddy Panache. You may remember him as the former singer- songwriter Mel Meldrum of Mel Meldrum and the Mel-Macs? Or… maybe you don’t. BUDDY Remember everyone, hang on tight if a train comes through. It gets pretty crazy. GLUNCHAPPEN It gets loud. We’d also light to thank Scout Troop 17 for setting up the lights and the loudspeaker. And Mrs. Keller from the school house for putting up the scenery. Oh, and Ernie Salmonella from Salmonella’s Balloon Shop for the… balloons. And now, Burnsy, if the contestants are ready… A VOICE from the back of the theatre responds. BURNSY The contestants are ready, Mister Glunchappen. GLUNCHAPPEN Bring them in, Burnsy. Music plays. BURNSY, an assistant, leads a pack of girls and grown ups into the room as BUDDY begins playing piano. There is lots of hub-ub and noise as they file through the theatre carrying suitcases, wig boxes, etc. as they make their way to the stage. Come on in! BURNSY Come along everyone… keep coming, right this way… right this way And we’ll bring you to your dressing rooms. HELEN The stage! The stage! Look at this place! It’s a gift I tell you, A gift! GLUNCHAPPEN and BURNSY exit as the MOTHERS and CONTESTANTS take to the stage and sing.

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SONG #1: THE GIFT OF WINNING

ALL THE GIFT! THE GIFT! THE GIFT THAT I’M GETTING FOR CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR IS SOMETHING MUCH MORE THAN JUST HOLIDAY CHEER IT’S MORE THAN A PRESENT ALL WRAPPED UP IN BOWS IT’S BETTER THAN GIFT CARDS OR JEWELRY OR CLOTHES THE GIFT THAT I’M GETTING, IS GETTING TO WIN AND I JUST CAN’T WAIT FOR ALL THIS TO BEGIN THE GIFT OF WINNING! THE GIFT! THE GIFT! GIRLS THE GIFT THAT I’M GETTING FOR CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR IS MAKE UP AND HAIRSPRAY TO MAKE ME APPEAR MUCH MORE THAN A GIRL, BUT INSTEAD LIKE A QUEEN WITH COVER GIRL LIPSTICK AND EYES BY MAYBELLINE SO PRECIOUS, SO SPARKLING, AS SWEET AS CAN BE YOU’LL WANT TO HANG ME ON YOUR CHRISTMAS TREE THE GIFT OF WINNING! SOPHIA THE GIFT OF WINNING, IS SOMETHING I DESERVE FOR MY BRAINS AND MY BEAUTY, MY SMARTS AND MY NERVE HAILEY ANN AND ME, I JUST CAN’T WAIT TO JUMP UP AND DOWN WHEN THEY HAND ME THAT TROPHY AND THAT CROWN GIRLS THE GIFT OF WINNING! MOTHERS I KNOW THAT SHE’LL WIN THIS, I’VE HEARD ALL THE BUZZ NO ONE DESERVES THIS MORE THAN SHE DOES LOOK AT HER SKIN TONE, HER FEATURES, HER CLOTHES HAVE YOU ANY IDEA HOW MUCH I HAD TO SPEND ON THOSE?? THE GIFT OF WINNING! GOODNESS, BARBIE, TAYLOR DEAR MISTER SANTA CLAUS LET IT BE ME AND NEVER MIND LEAVING STUFF UNDER THE TREE ALL GIRLS JUST BRING ME MY CHRISTMAS DREAM BY LETTING ME WIN GRAND SUPREME

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ALL GRAND SUPREME!!! THE GIFT! THE GIFT! THE GIFT! THE GIFT OF WINNING! Music continues as GLUNCHAPPEN and BURNSY return. GLUNCHAPPEN What are you all still doing here? BURNSY The number one rule is following the rules! GLUNCHAPPEN Follow the rules, ladies. Or you’ll never get to meet Shayde Shams. CHERYL Shayde Shams! There he is!!!! Cheers as MR. SHAMS enters. HELEN Oh Mister Shams, look at you… on TV you’re so handsome, but in person you’re… SHAMS Sparkling? Fascinating? Dazzle-tastical???? CHERYL Oh Mister Shadey Shams… you are truly— a gift! ALL THE GIFT! THE GIFT! SHAMS THE GIFT THAT I GIVE YOU, ON THIS VERY NIGHT IS BRIGHT’NING YOUR FACES WITH MY SHINING LIGHT TO SEE ME, TO HEAR ME, TO BE BY MY SIDE IS ONE AMAZING GIFT WHICH CANNOT BE DENIED THE GIFT OF ALL GIFTS IS NOT WINNING YOU SEE THE GREATEST GIFT OF ALL IS ME!! THE GIFT OF WINNING! MARYBETH Mr. Shams, I just loved you in that movie, “Urgology in America!” SHAMS Ah yes, I played the Colonial Man. HELEN And I watch your late night infomercial for “Mr. Can Opener” all the time. I’m an insomniac! When you press down on the lever and begin opening that can, I get all goose-pimply. I’ve even bought two of them! SHAMS You should try sleeping pills.

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CHERYL Mr. Shams… Shayde… I have all your records. SHAMS Really? CHERYL Both of them. I just love that song “Jelly Makes Me Sticky.” HELEN And the flip side! “You Don’t Bring Me Anything But Flowers” SHAMS Big hits, those songs. HELEN Mister Shams, I’m Helen Haley this is my daughter, Hailey. Hailey Ann Haley! HAILEY Hi! I’m Hailey Ann Haley and I hail from… OLIVIA Pardon me. Olivia Westinghouse Winerack III here. My daughter, Taylor Addison Winerack. The MOTHERS all crowd around attempting to show off the GIRLS. SHAMS All right, all right I know who all of you are and there’s no need for all of this. GLUNCHAPPEN Please, ladies, please!!! BURNSY screams. Everyone looks at him. BURNSY One of these girls just bit me! SHAMS Remember everyone, what we are here for! We’re here to… OLIVIA To win. We’re here to win! SHAMS We’re here to raise money for charity. Remember? The Sisters of the Lost Cause Hospital for Unwell Children? In the tiny country of Spelva?? SOPHIA I thought I was here to win a crown. MUGSY Get back there. SHAMS Of course we’re here to win. Everyone wants to win the Little Miss Christmas Pageant! But we’re here to win for a cause… not just because. And that is the gift of winning.

GLITZ! THE LITTLE MISS CHRISTMAS PAGEANT MUSICAL – PRODUCTION SCRIPT 5

The music becomes almost heavenly as the WOMEN and GIRLS all nod, understanding— SHAMS devilishly laughs to himself as they believe him. OLIVIA THE GIFT OF WINNING MUGSY THE GIFT OF WINNING ALL MOTHERS THE GIFT OF WINNING ALL AND THAT’S THE GIFT OF WINNING Music builds as they all show how much they want to win. THE GIFT! THE GIFT! THE GIFT! THE GIFT! THE GIFT!!!! SOPHIA I will win this pageant. Or else. ALL THE GIFT OF WINNING! GLUNCHAPPEN and BURNSY step forward. BURNSY Come along, follow along. I’ve got pixie sticks!! SHAMS Hold on everyone… Burnsy, get the numbers ready. He exits. BARBIE Where’s he going? I want pixie sticks! SHAMS Don’t worry. I’ve got pixie sticks too. Now, I want all the contestants to stay here on the stage with me. Mothers, you can follow Mr. Glunchappen to the dressing rooms. Give me the cards. GLUNCHAPPEN hands SHAMS a stack of index cards. GLUNCHAPPEN Watch your step ladies, watch your step, follow me. SHAMS All right girls, lets have all of you line up on the line. GOODNESS Where do we line up? SHAMS On the line.

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HAILEY That’s what lines are for. To line up on. Hi! I’m Hailey Ann Haley. SHAMS I see you. Now pay attention… the first competition of the day is starting. Music plays. SHAMS Thousands of girls just like you from all over the world entered this pageant. Do you know how much money that brings in, what with entrance fees, qualification charges and misspelled application fines? Fifty grand. That’s right, Fifty thousand dollars and then some. And all that money goes to the Sisters of the Lost Cause Hospital for Unwell Children in the country of… um… well, some small country. HAILEY Spelva. SHAMS What? HAILEY Spelva. The country you’re temporarily neglecting to remember is Spelva. SHAMS Good for you. You’re a smart cookie. HAILEY My mother and I tried to find it on a map, but we couldn’t. BURNSY enters, placing a large number, one to ten, on each of the girls. SHAMS Shame. From those thousands of applications, two hundred girls were selected to submit a video-taped audition. And from those tapes we have chosen you lucky ten girls as the semi- finalists. But… only five of you will make it to the finals. Let’s get this started by singing the Little Miss Christmas Jingle you all were meant to learn. BARBIE Only five of us??? Who decides who stays and who goes??? SHAMS Don’t you worry about that… sing the song and I’ll give you a pixie stick. SOPHIA You mean some of us are gonna get kicked out now? TAYLOR My mother will be frantically distressed, so you had better… SHAMS You had better sing! Sing!

SONG #2: LITTLE MISS CHRISTMAS MISS

They sing.

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GIRLS RING THE BELLS WITH JOY RING THE BELLS WITH BLISS RING THE BELLS OUT, SING THE BELLS OUT LITTLE MISS CHRISTMAS MISS

LIKE A SUGAR PLUM OR A CANDY KISS WE ARE SWEET AND SO PETIT LITTLE MISS CHRISTMAS MISS Music continues. SHAMS Contestant number one. Hailey… HAILEY Hi! I’m Hailey Ann Hailey and I hail from Rising Star, Texas— the small town with the big twinkle. And I like being pretty, taking dancing lessons and going to the mall. SHAMS And why do you think you should win Little Miss Christmas Miss? HAILEY Because I’m a winner, baby. I’m a winner. SHAMS You’re a winner all right. Contestant number two. PAULA Hello there! My name is Paula Porcupone from Beaver Falls, Pennsylvania and I like walnuts, cheese, yellow-colored raincoats and Harry— my pet hedgehog. SHAMS Moving right along. Contestant number three. You are… SOPHIA I am… Sophia Loren. From Nutley, New Jersey. And I am in no way related to the Italian movie star of the same name. SHAMS Is that it? SOPHIA You want more? Fine. I like watching others fail, French fries… cheese… and getting even with my friends. Satisfied? SHAMS This is gonna be some pageant. Number four. SKYBLUE Peace. I am Skyblue Mountain Windsong. SHAMS That’s your name? Sounds like an Airwick Solid.

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SKYBLUE I get that all the time. I live on an autonomous collective just outside Myrtle Beach. It’s pretty cool. Yeah. SHAMS And onto contestant number five. Number five? GOODNESS Hello Mister Shams. My name is Goodness Gracious McCutcheon and I’m from Paw Paw, West Virginia. SHAMS Your name is Goodness Gracious? GOODNESS Uh huh. When I was born, my mother took one look at me and said “Goodness Gracious” and that’s how I got my name. I like pancakes with butter, combing my hair, cheese, and washing my feet with a sponge. GIRLS (singing) I HAVE FACIAL BEAUTY TALENT AND FINESSE AND WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE ME IN MY FULL GLITZ DRESS RING THE BELLS LIKE THAT RING THE BELLS LIKE THIS RING THE BELLS OUT SING THE BELLS OUT LITTLE MISS CHRISTMAS MISS Music continues. SHAMS Number six! RONA I am Rona Chernobyl. Siberian Princess. From Russia. SHAMS You came all the way from Russia? RONA No. We now live in tenement apartment in Woonsocket, Rhode Island. SHAMS Okay… and why do you want to win this pageant? RONA Because I am princess. And… I want to be famous person like Kate Jackson. Or Sonny Bono. SHAMS I’d say Sonny Bono is your best bet. Contestant number seven.

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TAYLOR Allow me to introduce myself. I am Taylor Addison Winerack the Third. Upper East Side. I’ve won over three hundred blue ribbons for riding, boating and cooking and I can take apart a laptop computer and put it back together again in fifteen minutes, fully blindfolded. I am the youngest person to ever have attended Columbia University and I am contemplating running for mayor of New York City in the next election. Anything else? SHAMS No that just about covers it. Who are you? ANGELO Hi! I’m Angelo Acquafresca from Lake Winnipesaukee, New Hampshire. SHAMS Angelo? Isn’t that a boy’s name?? ANGELO Yup. My parents thought I was gonna be a boy and they already had the name all picked out. But I’m a girl. Anyway I like football, baseball, snow shovels and self-service gas stations. And cheese. SHAMS Contestant number nine. Barbie Spangles? BARBIE Yes sir, Barbie Spangles, sir. Well, actually it used to be Barbara Bell Elbow. But my mother knew how much I liked my Barbie doll. And how much I like spangles… so… she legally changed it for me! Barbie Spangles, isn’t that cute??? I get the warm fuzzies with things that are warm or fuzzy or fluffy or pink or cute. I like watching my tongue turn colors when I eat pixie sticks. And I like cute things. SHAMS That’s cute. Number ten. NATALIE Hello everyone! I’m from Chicago, Illinois and my name is Natalie Nabisco. SHAMS Nabisco? Wait, don’t tell me… you like cookies. NATALIE I do! In fact, my family invented the cookie. SHAMS No they didn’t. NATALIE They did! My great, great grandmother was the first person to put figs into a newton. SHAMS I’ve heard enough. I am now about to announce the five finalists in today’s Little Miss Christmas Pageant. Music changes as the GIRLS emote their inner feelings.

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GIRLS (singing) LET HIM CALL MY NAME LET ME STAY IN THIS LET ME BE THE WINNER OF THE LITTLE MISS CHRISTMAS MISS SHAMS Will the following girls please step forward. Paula. Skyblue, Rona. Angelo. And… Sophia. No wait. Not Sophia. SOPHIA Not Sophia? SHAMS Not Sophia— step back. Natalie step forward. Girls in the front line. Thank you for being a part of the contest today. Your families are waiting for you backstage to dry your tears and be sure to use the back door as you leave. The FIVE exit. The rest of you. Congratulations. You’re moving forward as the five finalists in the Little Miss Christmas Pageant. God help us all! SHAMS exits as the five FINALISTS enjoy their winning moment. FIVE GIRLS RING THE BELLS WITH JOY RING THE BELLS WITH BLISS RING THE BELLS OUT, SING THE BELLS OUT LITTLE MISS CHRISTMAS MISS

SONG #2A: LITTLE MISS CHRISTMAS PLAYOFF

The GIRLS rush off the stage in excitement as BURNSY enters with a thick envelope and what looks to be a heavy bag. BURNSY Mister Shams, I collected all the cash and checks for final payments and pageant fees. What should I do with it? SHAMS Give it to me. BURNSY Of course. BURNSY hands him the envelope, then the bag. SHAMS What’s with the bag? BURNSY Barbie Spangles’ mother paid in loose change. It’s all nickels, dimes, pennies…

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SHAMS Get rid of this. Take it somewhere and turn it into money. BURNSY Yes sir. SHAMS Folding money! BURNSY Yes sir, got it sir. He exits. SHAMS Well, Buddy, looks like it’s gonna be a Merry Christmas for sure. Check out all this cash. BUDDY Those kids at the Children’s Hospital will certainly appreciate all that you’re doing. SHAMS “Those kids” at the “Children’s Hospital”??? Panache, you never cease to amaze me. All I know is, one lucky fellah is spending the winter in paradise, laying under a palm tree watching dancing hula girls. Or whatever kind of dancing girls they got there in Fiji. BUDDY Shayde, you don’t mean that… SHAMS Listen Panache, I don’t mean a lot of things. But one thing I do mean is, stay out of this. You’ve got secrets too and I’m the kind of guy who doesn’t ask questions, so just… just get back to the keyboard. Its time for the movement coach to work with the girls. This ought to be something. MISTER JERRY, the movement coach, enters with the five FINALISTS. MISTER All right now ladies, my name is Mister Jerry and I am the choreographer. Now, even though I live here in Bilgewater Falls, I have taken dancing lessons, I have been to New York City, I have seen shows on the Broadway, I have coached several young ladies in pageants like this, and I am Facebook friends with Patti Lupone. So lets get started. You will all enter from here and do your best walk to up center. This is up center here. You will then walk in a diagonal line to this “X” where you will pause, then move to this second “X,” pause, and then you will walk all the way off the stage. Simple? Simple. GOODNESS What do we do when we get to the X’s? TAYLOR Seriously? HAILEY I know! You pose, you smile, you detail.

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MISTER Now, now missy, you can’t just smile your way to the crown. You need to exude poise and character and personality. You need to get to those X’s and give off the feeling of “You know what, I’m fabulous!” SOPHIA You know what, I am fabulous! MISTER Never mind, you. Now pay attention to what I’m about to say. These are the secrets to winning a pageant. Number one… make eye contact! Big eyes! Look! See! Open those peepers! GOODNESS Like this? MISTER Yes like that! TAYLOR Ridiculous. MISTER Number two… stand tall. No slouching, no slumping. Tall girls are winners. Everybody say that. ALL GIRLS Tall girls are winners. MISTER Even short girls like you… stand tall and win!!!!! And finally number three… relax. Relax and be comfortable— let it all relax. Put that all together and you’ve got it… big eyes, stand tall, relax. Do it! Big eyes… Stand Tall… Relax. Again. Big eyes, stand tall, relax. Again. Big eyes, stand tall, relax.

SONG #2B: MOMOLOGUES

Musical transition as the lights fade on MR. JERRY and the GIRLS and come up on the MOTHERS— one by one. During their monologues, the girls are seen in the background rehearsing their walks. HELEN It’s a lot of work you know. Being mother to a beauty queen like my daughter Hailey Ann Haley. People think I’m crazy and maybe I am. Yes, I am completely crazy. Crazy about my little girl and making sure she has everything she needs to succeed in this world. Do I push her? Yes. Absolutely. But sometimes I have to push myself. I have to push myself to wake up and go to work every morning. But it is a fact of life. Living in America or… anywhere we all have to do some things we don’t like, like going to work or to school… we… we have to do it. Lights out on HELEN and up on CHERYL. CHERYL It’s like a full time job. Okay, it is a full time job. If we’re not traveling to voice lessons then it’s dance lessons, or we’re talking about… about a new routine or dresses or some such thing. I love the dresses. When it comes to glitz I always say “more is more.” It’s true, I don’t know when to quit when it comes to things that shine and glitter. Oh of course it gets expensive.

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CHERYL (CONT’D) But it’s all for her. I mean, if your child plays hockey, you go out and get them the skates and the pads and the sticks, the helmet, the puck. This… this is my daughter’s sport. And I’ll get her whatever it takes to make sure she can win. Crossfade to OLIVIA. OLIVIA The way I see it, my daughter’s already won. She’s barely a teenager and she’s at the top of her game. That comes from my side of the family. “You can be sure, if it’s Westinghouse.” Father came up with that slogan. Before he started drinking. But that is of no mind. We’re doing this pageant for those poor children in that hospital. If only we could figure out where the country of Spelva was. But you see, we’re not all of us takers… some of us like to give back, as well. Lights out on OLIVIA and up on MUGSY. MUGSY Thing is, she don’t really wanna do this pageant. Oh she’s gonna win— she better win, but she could care less. I’m the one who stuck her in this… well, it was Vinny, my husband’s idea. We thought it would keep her out of trouble— give her something to do more than walk that lousy Willowbrook shopping mall. Vinny said “put her in one of those pageants and make sure she wins it.” So here I am. Put her in and now I have to make sure. Make sure she wins. Crossfade to MARYBETH. MARYBETH Oh, I don’t care if she wins. Don’t tell her that I said that, she really wants to win this— the tiara and all. Sweet girl— she never asks for much. Not that I’d have much to give her. We don’t have all the… well, all the “anything” these other girls do. I sold my Daddy’s coin collection to get up the money to enter this. And her dress, please don’t tell anyone, but her dress, I got on eBay. It was some other girl’s dress, but it’s pretty. And she looks good in it… and she feels good in it, and that’s what matters. Us being at this pageant, this is her Christmas gift this year and she knows that. If she wins, even better. If she doesn’t win… she still got something she’s always dreamed about. Being on the stage in a fancy dress and being happy. Lights up on MR. JERRY and the girls with large glittering candy canes and lollipop props. MISTER All right ladies, let’s get this right! It’s the big opening number. Let me see you sell it! Let me see you shine!

SONG #3: GLITZ!

Music. The GIRLS sing. GIRLS DEAR SANTA, I’M WRITING TO YOU AND I’M BEING PERECTLY CLEAR PLEASE SANTA, WHAT EVER YOU DO GIVE ME WHAT I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS, THIS YEAR

I WANT SPARKLES AND SUNBEAMS AND GLIMMERING DAYDREAMS

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GIRLS (CONT’D) AND DOZENS OF DAZZLING BITS I WANT LONG LOVELY LASHES AND MAKE UP THAT FLASHES BUT MOSTLY I WANT GLITZ

I WANT CAROLS A-SINGING AND SLEIGH BELLS A-RINGING AND MERRIMENT THAT NEVER QUITS I WANT FABULOUS TWINKLES AND HOLIDAY SPRINKES OF GLITZ, GLITZ, GLITZ Music continues. MISTER All right now girls, really sell it!!!! GIRLS I WANT CHRISTMAS TREES GLOWING AND FLAKES THAT ARE SNOWING AND HAPPINESS THAT NEVER QUITS I’VE BEEN GOOD AS CAN BE WON’T YOU PLEASE GIVE TO ME GLITZ, GLITZ, GLITZ The MOTHERS come on stage to see their DAUGHTERS. HELEN Hailey Ann Haley that was spectacular! You owned that number baby, and what does mommy always tell you? HAILEY Own that number, baby! HELEN You sure did! MARYBETH You did a good job out there, honey. GOODNESS It was okay. I think I messed up on a couple of parts. MARYBETH Did you have fun? If you had fun then you did a good job. MUGSY You looked like a stupid fool up there. SOPHIA I felt like a stupid fool.

GLITZ! THE LITTLE MISS CHRISTMAS PAGEANT MUSICAL – PRODUCTION SCRIPT 15

TAYLOR I did the best I could with what I had to work with. OLIVIA The choreography is clearly amateur and the props are unreasonably rudimentary, but a winner must be able to overcome such obstacles and succeed nonetheless. TAYLOR Is there a bar somewhere in here? My mother needs a bar. MUGSY You gotta do better than what you’re doing. Like your father says, you gotta bring it. You gotta bring it ‘til it’s brought, and then keep on bringing. SOPHIA Yeah, yeah, I heard ya. CHERYL Oh Barbie you looked so cute up there with the other girls. And these big lollipops are the cutest things! Maybe we should do our Christmas tree in big lollipops this year. It could be a theme. Here you go, sweety. CHERYL hands BARBIE a pixie stick. BARBIE I want a pink one. CHERYL And I saw some fabric at Jo-Anne’s that had big swirly lollipops on it too. I could do curtains with it. Wait… I could do big swirly lollipop shower curtains. You think? SHAMS enters, with BURNSY and a GIRL. The MOTHERS all fawn over SHAMS. SHAMS All right ladies, here we are, gather round, gather round. BURNSY Back away ladies, back away from Mr. Shams. HELEN Mr. Shams, we’re having a fabulous time so far, just fabulous. TAYLOR Mr. Shams, is there a bar somewhere that my mother could go to? OLIVIA Taylor, that’s enough. SHAMS All right ladies, finalists, I have a big surprise for you. Lots of cheers, ooh and ahs! That’s right get excited, this is exciting. I’d like to introduce you to a very special young lady. She’s here all the way from Greens Folk, Indiana— Meet Donna Lisa Derringer— the reigning Little Miss Christmas Miss!

16 GLITZ! THE LITTLE MISS CHRISTMAS PAGEANT MUSICAL – PRODUCTION SCRIPT

SONG #3A: DONNA LISA’S FANFARE

Fanfare. Cheers. SHAMS (CONT’D) Would you like to say something to this year’s finalists, Donna Lisa? DONNA LISA Yes I would. She takes out a piece of paper and reads. I’d like to say that my year as Little Miss Christmas Miss was not only wonderful, but it was very wonderful. I met so many wonderful people and visited many wonderful places. I will keep these feelings alive in my heart forever and ever as I pass on the… as I pass on the… what’s this word? BURNSY Title. DONNA LISA Title. As I pass on the title to one of you wonderful girls. Look up and smile. BURNSY starts clapping, joined by SHAMS and finally the OTHERS. SHAMS Wasn’t that just wonderful??? All right we need everyone back in the dressing room… it’s time to get ready for the talent competition. So let’s have everyone out! BURNSY Out! You heard Mr. Shams. HELEN Mr. Shams, can you tell me about who the judges are for this pageant? We haven’t seen any judges. SHAMS Oh we have judges out there. OLIVIA And can you tell us more about this charity? This hospital? Where is Spelva? BURNSY Come along now ladies… To the dressing rooms! Quickly! The LADIES exit. DONNA LISA Can I have my money now? SHAMS You’ll get your money at the end of the pageant. Burnsy, look at her. She looks like something you’d find on the street. Where did you find her? BURNSY On the street. Her and her mother were going to the movies. I gave the mom twelve bucks to watch the movie alone We have to have the girl back by the time it ends.

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