Goodness Gracious Goodness Gracious

GOODNESS GRACIOUS ______

A "fractured" fairy tale by Henry W. Kimmel

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CAST OF CHARACTERS

GRACIOUS, female. LITTLE RED, female. STUFFED COW, male/female. CHIP (Stuffed Bear), male/female. NIKITA (Stuffed Monkey), male/female. VIRGIL SHAKOPOPOLIS (Stuffed Horse), male/female. ANGRY, female. WHINEY, female. PARENTS (could be played as one character or two) MOTHER FATHER CINDY (Cinderella), female. MIRROR, male/female. JACK THE FLACK, male. BIG BAD (Larry) WOLF (AKA MISUNDERSTOOD WOLF), male. GRANDMOTHER, female. HUNTSMAN, female. PRINCE CHARMING, male (could be female with script alteration). SLEEPING BEAUTY, female. LESLIE, female.

The roles of Gracious and Little Red should be played by one actor. The other actors may play more than one role.

SETTING

The room of a 12-year-old girl.

STAGING NOTES

In the original staging of this play, 10 actors (seven female and three male) played all roles, with every actor doubling except for Gracious and Red.

The stage was a raised platform 16 feet by 20 feet. This is where most of the action of the play took place, and where the actors transformed themselves into their characters. On the stage right and stage left sides of the platform were five stools each, one for each actor. (Each of the actors designed the artwork for his or her own stool. By each stool was a bin of props for each of the actors. On the upstage side of the platform (farthest away from the audience) was a costume rack, where the actors playing multiple roles could get and change their costumes. This rack also served as the entrance for grandmother's house - and as the place from behind which Little Red first emerged. Part of the play's motion and theatricality came from the audience's ability to see the staging unfold in front of them. Characters made entrances from and exits to the stools. This created an ensemble effect and allowed the action of the play to occur seamlessly and briskly.

This play allows for flexible staging, and the director does not have to be bound by the suggestion above.

In addition, there was an optional Narrator at the very start of the play. Her lines read like this. (Again, this is just one option.) NARRATOR: One upon a time there was a little girl named Gracious. When Gracious was not getting along with her friends and feeling lonely, she would sit in her room and read to her favorite stuffed animals: Chip the Bear, Nikita her monkey, and the horse named Virgil. This is one of those days. Goodness Gracious 7

(GRACIOUS reads a fairy tale to her assembly of stuffed animals.)

GRACIOUS: Once upon a time there was a little girl named Little Red Riding Hood. One day Little Red Riding Hood's mother... (Loud snoring:) You're not listening.

MONKEY (NIKITA): We're stuffed animals. It's hard for us to listen.

GRACIOUS: Can't you at least pretend to listen?

MONKEY (NIKITA): We did. The first hundred times you told the story. Now it's hard for us not to fall asleep before you say "once upon a time."

GRACIOUS: I haven't told you this story a hundred times.

BEAR (CHIP): A hundred and seventeen.

MONKEY (NIKITA): Not that we're counting.

HORSE (VIRGIL): But you only tell this story when you're feeling sorry for yourself, and these days that's most of the time.

GRACIOUS: I'm not feeling sorry for myself.

MONKEY (NIKITA): Then why did you lock yourself in your room on a beautiful Saturday afternoon?

GRACIOUS: Because I chose to lock myself in my room on a beautiful Saturday afternoon.

HORSE (VIRGIL): Because you weren't invited to Sandra's party?

GRACIOUS: I was invited to Sandra's party.

HORSE (VIRGIL): No, you weren't.

GRACIOUS: Because I'm not speaking to her.

BEAR (CHIP): And Leslie's not speaking to you either.

GRACIOUS: She's not?

BEAR (CHIP): I thought that's what you said.

GRACIOUS: Did I?

MONKEY (NIKITA): She's not speaking to you because you're not speaking to Sandra, and she's not not speaking to Sandra because Sandra's not speaking to you.

GRACIOUS: It's a lot more complicated than that.

MONKEY (NIKITA): Is it?

GRACIOUS: Well.

BEAR (CHIP): We don't blame you for not wanting to go out.

MONKEY (NIKITA): Because we like it here.

BEAR (CHIP): In your room.

MONKEY (NIKITA): Where it's dark.

BEAR (CHIP): Cozy.

HORSE (VIRGIL): Disturbingly neat.

BEAR (CHIP): Not that we spend a lot of time thinking.

MONKEY (NIKITA): But it bothers us to see you upset.

BEAR (CHIP): Because when you're upset, we're upset.

HORSE (VIRGIL): And not just because you chew on us.

BEAR (CHIP): But because we think you're a marvelous person.

MONKEY (NIKITA): Even though you don't believe us.

GRACIOUS: (Trying to change the subject:) Let's pretend I'm the teacher, and you're my first grade class.

BEAR (CHIP): Oh boy.

GRACIOUS: It's now quiet time, and we're going to gather around to hear the story of...

HORSE (VIRGIL): (Tired:) Little Red Riding Hood.

GRACIOUS: You don't like a story with a happy ending?

HORSE (VIRGIL): I'd rather have different than happy.

GRACIOUS: Well, I'd rather have happy.

MONKEY (NIKITA): Can't we have different and happy?

GRACIOUS: Different?

BEAR (CHIP): Why don't we tell the story to you?

GRACIOUS: I don't think it's a good idea for the teacher to lose control of her class.

HORSE (VIRGIL): Even if she learns something along the way?

GRACIOUS: What can I learn from you? You're just stuffed animals. Figments of my imagination.

HORSE (VIRGIL): Maybe your imagination can use a little work.

GRACIOUS: What do you mean? (Light shift. LITTLE RED appears.)

LITTLE RED: Once upon a time there was a girl named Gracious.

GRACIOUS: Excuse me.

LITTLE RED: Hush.

GRACIOUS: What are you doing?

LITTLE RED: I'm telling a story.

GRACIOUS: About me?

LITTLE RED: Not if you interrupt.

GRACIOUS: But I'm supposed to be telling the story about you.

LITTLE RED: They already know the story about me.

GRACIOUS: Little Red Riding Hood.

LITTLE RED: I'm now Little Red Riding from The Hood.

GRACIOUS: Excuse me.

BEAR (CHIP): She's looking for something progressive.

GRACIOUS: Progressive?

LITTLE RED: Don't you get tired of doing the same thing in the same way every day?

GRACIOUS: Michelle says I shouldn't worry about what other people think. But now I worry about what they don't think.

LITTLE RED: Who's Michelle?

MONKEY (NIKITA): Her best friend who moved away.

BEAR (CHIP): Four years ago.

LITTLE RED: Maybe it's time to meet some new friends.

GRACIOUS: I have lots of friends. I just don't speak to them.

BEAR (CHIP): (About Little Red:) What about her?

GRACIOUS: Isn't Little Red Riding Hood supposed to wear a red cape?

LITTLE RED: I'm trying to break in something new.

GRACIOUS: Lavender?

LITTLE RED: It goes with my hair, don't you think?

GRACIOUS: Different, but nice.

LITTLE RED: Do you want to go on an adventure with me?

GRACIOUS: I don't have permission from my parents.

PARENTS (OFF): Gracious, you've cleaned your room; you've done your homework; you've practiced your flute. Would you please do something outside?

LITTLE RED: That's your Mom?

GRACIOUS: She's always trying to get me to do something new.

LITTLE RED: How cool.

PARENTS (OFF): Just make sure you're home by dinner.

GRACIOUS: I guess it's okay to go with you.

LITTLE RED: Awesome.

GRACIOUS: Where do you want to go?

LITTLE RED: Not sure yet.

STUFFED COW: Aren't you supposed to go to Grandma's?

LITTLE RED: Who are you—the cow who jumped over the moon?

STUFFED COW: You got me at Chik-Fil-A. You pleaded with your mother to get you a new toy, and now you just ignore me.

LITTLE RED: I was younger then.

STUFFED COW: It was last week.

LITTLE RED: Can I get on with my story?

STUFFED COW: Your story?

LITTLE RED: Goodness Gracious.

GRACIOUS: By Little Red Riding Hood. I mean, Little Red Riding from The Hood.

LITTLE RED: Why don't you call me Red for short?

GRACIOUS: Red.

LITTLE RED: Gracious.

GRACIOUS: Is it okay if I wear a red cape?

LITTLE RED: Turquoise is a better color for you.

GRACIOUS: You're purple, and I'm blue. On the spectrum of colors, we're right next to each other.

LITTLE RED: Let's start our adventure with an enchanting horse-drawn carriage! (Little Red snaps her fingers. Lights shift. ANGRY and WHINEY approach.)

GRACIOUS: Those aren't horses, and they don't look very enchanting. (Angry and Whiney lift Little Red and Gracious.)

WHINEY: Why do we have to do the heavy lifting?

ANGRY: Shut up, Whiney.

WHINEY: The other dwarves don't have to work this hard. And when they do, they get paid time and a half, while we do twice the work and get paid like teachers.

ANGRY: The other dwarves were cast in the story with Snow White. We were turned away because we didn't have enough "nuance." You want nuance, I'll hit you over the head with NUANCE!

WHINEY: Do you have to be so Angry?

ANGRY: Yes, I have to be angry. That's my name. ANGRY!

WHINEY: All right, all right. You hurt my ears.

ANGRY: Let's go find Prince Charming and tell him we've got the one thing he hasn't got... (He pulls Whiney toward him.)

...each other. (Angry and Whiney exit.)

GRACIOUS: Wow. They seem...

ANGRY: (Sticking his head back in) Angry! (He departs.)

LITTLE RED: I'm kind of new at this. I don't have complete control over what I'm doing yet.

GRACIOUS: What does that mean...you don't have complete control?

LITTLE RED: You'll have to help me along the way.

GRACIOUS: But this is all new to me, too.

LITTLE RED: Then I guess it's a good thing we're doing it together.

GRACIOUS: What exactly are we doing?

LITTLE RED: (Snaps her fingers:) Lights please. (Pause.) Brighter. (Pause.) Not that bright. (Deep breath:) Once upon a time there was a girl named Gracious. Gracious liked to read, clean her room and practice her flute. (To Gracious:) Wow, you are, like, really weird. But I mean that in a good way.

GRACIOUS: I do get in fights with my parents.

PARENTS (OFF): Would you please do something aside from read? Even for just a half hour each day? I don't care if it's a video or TV or an X-Box 650. Just put down your book long enough to experience the world.

LITTLE RED: (To Gracious:) That's a fight?

GRACIOUS: Well...

LITTLE RED: (Continuing with story:) But Gracious didn't hear her parents and kept on reading. Last Tuesday, when no one was home, she snuck into her father's study and read his Wall Street Journal.

GRACIOUS: Once upon a time there was this undercapitalized hedge fund... (All the stuffed animals run away.)

LITTLE RED: One day, when Gracious was in the middle of The Fountainhead, she realized something was missing from her life.

GRACIOUS: My life was missing from my life.

LITTLE RED: Gracious had a friend—at least what she thought was a friend—but she was really into herself, which was okay...up to a point.

CINDY: Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?

GRACIOUS: Cinderella.

CINDY: The name is cindy—with a lower case "c".

GRACIOUS: cindy?

CINDY: If you don't mind, I was having a conversation.

GRACIOUS: With your mirror?

CINDY: Isn't it clear that I'm the fairest—and when I say fairest, I mean sassiest?

GRACIOUS: Why do you care what people think?

CINDY: For the same reason you do—it's too hard not to.

LITTLE RED: That night when Gracious went home, she spoke to her mirror. © Henry W. Kimmel This is a perusal copy only. Absolutely no printing, copying or performance permitted. Goodness Gracious 15

GRACIOUS: Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the Fairest of them all?

MIRROR: If you see Cinderella, tell her I saw Prince Charming with Sleeping Beauty—even though Sleeping Beauty said she wasn't going to see Prince Charming unless he called to say he was sorry for missing her swimming party to go skateboarding with his friends.

GRACIOUS: Maybe there's more than one Prince Charming.

MIRROR: Trust me. They're not that charming. They only say what they think you want to hear.

LITTLE RED: (Interjecting:) Would you quit with the mirror?!

GRACIOUS: You're the one telling the story.

LITTLE RED: I didn't think you'd be so compliant.

GRACIOUS: I don't know what that means.

LITTLE RED: Wear this.

GRACIOUS: Your lavender cape?

LITTLE RED: I'm having trouble telling the story without it. (Lights shift as they head into town.)

JACK THE FLACK: Hey Sister, Hey Sister, sell a can of corn, mister.

GRACIOUS: Who are you?

JACK THE FLACK: I'm Little Jack Horner. I sit on the corner. I rap, I nap, I don't talk to no sap.

GRACIOUS: Shouldn't you be in a nursery rhyme, not a fairy tale?

JACK THE FLACK: *&%&%)%%&#($.

GRACIOUS: Oh my goodness.

LITTLE RED: They had to take him out of the nursery rhyme. Too many parental complaints.

JACK THE FLACK: What'cha got in your hand, sister?

GRACIOUS: I'm not sure.

JACK THE FLACK: A little smack for Grandma?

GRACIOUS: Smack?

JACK THE FLACK: Cookies!

GRACIOUS: It looks like something from Starbucks.

JACK THE FLACK: Lemme take a look.

LITTLE RED: Why don't you take a step back, Jack?

JACK THE FLACK: (Moving toward Gracious:) Not till I get a little treat from my sweet.

LITTLE RED: BOOOO!!!! (Jack faints.)

GRACIOUS: Oh no. Did he faint?

LITTLE RED: He eats too much sugar.

GRACIOUS: What do we do?

ANGRY: (Entering with Whiney:) I suppose we're the ones to have to take him away.

WHINEY: Why is it always us?

ANGRY: Shut up, Whiney, and let's get rid of this dangerous butterball.

WHINEY: Shouldn't we just lift him?

ANGRY: Pull. (Angry and Whiney pull Jack in opposite directions.)

Let's switch sides.

(Angry and Whiney switch sides, but still pull Jack in opposite directions.)

Let's try something less drastic. (Deep breath:) BOOOO!!!!! (Jack gets up and runs off stage.)

JACK: &&(*(##*#**##_!@@.

WHINEY: What did he just say?

ANGRY: No tipping. But we'll take donations at the end of the show. (Angry and Whiney exit, arms around each other.)

GRACIOUS: (To Little Red:) Do I have something from Starbucks? I thought I was supposed to bring Grandma a treat.

LITTLE RED: Trust me. This will be a treat.

GRACIOUS: You sure?

LITTLE RED: C'mon. Let's move to the edge of town.

GRACIOUS: I'm scared.

LITTLE RED: Scared?

GRACIOUS: I've never done things out of bounds before. Whenever I'm given something to do, I always stay within the lines.

LITTLE RED: What if there aren't any lines?

GRACIOUS: Then I make lines I can stay within.

LITTLE RED: (Confessing:) I'm usually the same way.

GRACIOUS: Are you?

LITTLE RED: Even when they tell me to do it in my own way, I want to do it in the way that's already been done. Sometimes I think it would be more rebellious not to be rebellious.

(There is a sinister HOWL, followed by coarse LAUGHTER.)

GRACIOUS: (Turning away:) Maybe we should head back.

LITTLE RED: (Pulling Gracious back:) Remember, if you get in trouble, you've got one thing no one else has got.

GRACIOUS: This magic red cape?

LITTLE RED: Me.

GRACIOUS: You?

LITTLE RED: Each other.

GRACIOUS: Is that going to be enough?

LITTLE RED: Let's find out.

BIG BAD WOLF: Yo, Girls!

LITTLE RED: Not yet.

BIG BAD WOLF: Oh.

GRACIOUS: Who's that?

BIG BAD WOLF: Some people call me the Big Bad Wolf, but they're not really being sensitive. I prefer to be called Larry, although my parents call me Lawrence even though my real first name is Daniel. But that's enough about me. What about you? Wanna be friends? Facebook friends.

LITTLE RED: Not yet, Larry.

BIG BAD WOLF: But I'm looking for friendship.

LITTLE RED: **$&$&#(&U@(#. (BIG BAD WOLF moves away.)

GRACIOUS: Wow. You learned a lot from that fellow Jack.

LITTLE RED: I don't know what I just said, but, wow.

GRACIOUS: Should we get on with our story?

LITTLE RED: Whiney. Angry.

WHINEY: Yeah.

ANGRY: WHAT?!!!

LITTLE RED: Move us to a better light.

WHINEY: Why can't the other dwarves move her to better light?

ANGRY: Shut up and move her to better light. Because a job is a just a job, and I'm not going to let it make me MAD!!! (Angry and Whiney have trouble coordinating, but they move Little Red to a better light.)

GRACIOUS: What was wrong with the light over there?

LITTLE RED: Nothing. I wanted to show how much fun it is to have power over the world.

GRACIOUS: (Talking about Whiney and Angry:) What about their feelings?

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