Book & Lyrics by Bert Bernardi Music by Justin Rugg PRODUCTION SCRIPT www.stagerights.com GLITZ! THE LITTLE MISS CHRISTMAS PAGEANT MUSICAL! Copyright © 2012 by Pantochino Productions All Rights Reserved All performances and public readings of GLITZ! THE LITTLE MISS CHRISTMAS PAGEANT MUSICAL are subject to royalties. It is fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America, of all countries covered by the International Copyright Union, of all countries covered by the Pan-American Copyright Convention and the Universal Copyright Convention, and all countries with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations. All rights are strictly reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form, by any means, including mechanical, electronics, recording, or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the author. Publication of this play does not necessarily imply that it is available for performance by amateurs or professionals. It is strongly recommended all interested parties apply to Steele Spring Stage Rights for performance rights before starting rehearsals or advertising. No changes shall be made in the play for the purpose of your production without prior written consent. All billing stipulations in your license agreement must be strictly adhered to. No person, firm or entity may receive credit larger or more prominent than that accorded the Author. For all stage performance inquiries, please contact: Steele Spring Stage Rights 3845 Cazador Street Los Angeles, CA 90065 (323) 739-0413 www.stagerights.com CAST OF CHARACTERS Cast Total: 20 – 5F, 4M, 11 Girls BUDDY PANACHE: A shy, bespectacled piano player with a secret. MR. GLUNCHAPPEN: A befuddled older man. BURNSY: A stage hand (could be cast male or female). SHAYDE SHAMS: Slick, flashy, devious host of the pageant. HELEN HALEY: Devoted mother from Texas who takes the pageant life very seriously. HAILEY ANN HALEY: Her daughter, the most perfect little girl— ever! OLIVIA WESTINGHOUSE WINERACK III: Wealthy, snobbish New Yorker. TAYLOR ADDISON WINERACK: Her daughter. Smart, beautiful and an overachiever. MARYBETH MCCUTCHEON: Sweet, homespun, small town Mom. GOODNESS GRACIOUS MCCUTCHEON: Her daughter. As sweet and simple as her Mom. MUGSY LOREN: Streetwise housewife from New Jersey. SOPHIA LOREN: Her daughter. A tough cookie with no desire to be at the pageant. CHERYL SPANGLES: Fun-loving mom bubbling over with personality. BARBIE SPANGLES: Her daughter. Eager to please, eager to win. PAULA PORCUPONE: A contestant. SKYBLUE MOUNTAIN WINDSONG: A contestant. RONA CHERNOBYL: A contestant. ANGELO ACQUAFRESCA: A contestant. NATALIE NABISCO: A contestant. MISTER JERRY*: Flamboyant, over-the-hill choreographer DONNA LISA DERRINGER: Local girl convinced to enter the pageant. JACOB MARLEY*: A ghost from Mr. Shams’ past (not from Dickens!). FIRST GHOST*: A beauty queen ghost from pageants past. BOY**: A vision of Mr. Shams from his past. SECOND GHOST*: The ghost of a cosmetic saleswoman. MOTHER**: Donna Lisa’s down-to-earth mother who appears in a vision. THIRD GHOST**: A hooded, caped, mute figure. FIRST NUN*: Nun from the country of Spelva. Does not speak English. SECOND NUN**: Another Spelvan nun who speaks English. *In the original production, all of these roles were portrayed by the same actor to great comic effect. ** These roles may be double cast by actors in other roles. RUN TIME 80 Minutes MUSICAL NUMBERS ACT I #A Little Miss Christmas Fanfare ................................................................................. Instrumental #1 The Gift of Winning ....................................................................................................... Company #2 Little Miss Christmas Miss .................................................................................................... Girls #2A Little Miss Christmas Playoff .................................................................................. Instrumental #2B Momologues ............................................................................................................ Instrumental #3 Glitz! ........................................................................................................................................ Girls #3A Donna Lisa’s Fanfare .............................................................................................. Instrumental #4 I Got an Umbrella .............................................................................................................. Shams #4A Spirit Sting: Marley .................................................................................................. Instrumental #4B Spirit Sting: Marley 2 ............................................................................................... Instrumental #5 Barbie’s Song (I Want to Be) ............................................................................................. Barbie #5A Bertinelli Playoff ....................................................................................................... Instrumental #6 The Pageant Life ........................................................................................................... Company #6A Spirit Sting: Margaret .............................................................................................. Instrumental #7 Atlantic City .................................................................................................. First Ghost, Women #7A Act One Stinger ........................................................................................................ Instrumental ACT II #8 Entr’acte ................................................................................................................... Instrumental #9 Better ............................................................................................................................. Company #9A Better Playoff ........................................................................................................... Instrumental #9B Little Miss Christmas Fanfare ................................................................................. Instrumental #10 The Egg Nog Polka .............................................................................................................. Hailey #11 Jingle Bell Jangle ..................................................................................................... Instrumental #11A Spirit Sting: Mary Kay .............................................................................................. Instrumental #11B Spirit Sting: Mrs. Derringer ...................................................................................... Instrumental #12 Mary Kay Jingle ...................................................................................................... Second Ghost #13 Simple Christmas Song ............................................................................................... Goodness #13A Olivia’s Playoff .......................................................................................................... Instrumental #14 Christmas on the High Seas (Anchors Aweigh) ...................................................... Instrumental #14A Spirit Sting: Call Bearer ........................................................................................... Instrumental #15 Reasonably Pretty ............................................................................................................. Shams #15A Donna Lisa’s Farewell ............................................................................................. Instrumental #16 Simple Christmas Song (Finale) .................................................................................. Company #17 Ribbons and Bows ................................................................................................... Instrumental GLITZ! THE LITTLE MISS CHRISTMAS PAGEANT MUSICAL – PRODUCTION SCRIPT 1 ACT I The stage at the Bilgewater Falls Meeting Hall Train Depot is decked out in glitz and glamour. A banner announcing the “Little Miss Christmas Pageant Finals” hangs from above. BUDDY PANACHE enters, a bespectacled, mismatched character who makes his way to the piano. He gestures to the lighting booth as the lights begin to dim. A sad, confused man, MISTER GLUNCHAPPEN, peeks out from the wings and enters. GLUNCHAPPEN Good evening everyone. My name is Fred Glunchappen and on behalf of Millie Sharp, Mayor Farkel and Joe the custodian, I’d like to welcome you all to the Bilgewater Falls Meeting Hall Train Station, and of course the Little Miss Christmas Pageant Finals. SONG #A: LITTLE MISS CHRISTMAS FANFARE Fanfare. Oh. That’s our musical guest, Buddy Panache. You may remember him as the former singer- songwriter Mel Meldrum of Mel Meldrum and the Mel-Macs? Or… maybe you don’t. BUDDY Remember everyone, hang on tight if a train comes through. It gets pretty crazy. GLUNCHAPPEN It gets loud. We’d also light to thank Scout Troop 17 for setting up the lights and the loudspeaker. And Mrs. Keller from the school house for putting up the scenery. Oh, and Ernie Salmonella from Salmonella’s Balloon Shop for the… balloons. And now, Burnsy, if the contestants are ready… A VOICE from the back of the theatre responds. BURNSY The contestants are ready, Mister Glunchappen. GLUNCHAPPEN Bring them in, Burnsy. Music plays. BURNSY, an assistant, leads a pack of girls and grown ups into the room as BUDDY begins playing piano. There