ETHNOGRAPHY OF UNITARIAN UNIVERSALISM

by

Khawla Tomaleh

A Thesis Submitted to the Faculty of

The Dorothy F. Schmidt College of Arts and Letters

In Partial Fulfillment of the Requirements for the Degree of

Master of Arts

Florida Atlantic University

Boca Raton, FL

May 2019 Copyright 2019 by Khawla Tomaleh

ii

ETHNOGRAPHY OF UNITARIAN UNIVERSALISM

by

Khawla Tomaleh

This thesis was prepared under the direction of the candidate's thesis advisor, Dr. Susan Love Brown, Department of Anthropology, and has been approved by the members of her supervisory committee. It was submitted to the faculty of the Dorothy F. Schmidt College of Arts and Letters and was accepted in partial fulfillment of the requirements of the degree of Master of Arts.

SUPERVISORY COMMITTEE: ~~ The is tsor ·· 4 / ~ Mi~- Nan~,PE~. ~~

Michael Harris, Ph.D. Chair, Department of Anthropology

Michael J. rswell, Ph.D. Dean, Do othy F. Schmidt College of Arts And Letters

Khaled Sobhan, Ph.D. Interim Dean, Graduate College

111 ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

My journey in the United States would never have been completed without the help of all the professors and colleagues in the Department of Anthropology at Florida

Atlantic University. I would sincerely like to thank each person who has helped me to understand and cultivate my experience of the American culture. My thanks to Betty and

John who have been my second family in Florida.

I would like to thank my thesis advisor, Dr. Susan Love Brown, who trusted and believed in me at a time in which I doubted myself. I appreciate her effort and deep understanding and teaching. I am grateful for her patience and motivation throughout my pursuit of academia. My thanks go to Dr. Michael Harris who offered me an opportunity to learn and grow in the field of anthropology. Dr. Harris was always a supporter, helping students to get the best out of academia. I need to thank Dr. Nancy Stein, who has been helping me to understand anthropology and the American culture. I appreciate the many hours of discussions and conversations with Dr. Nancy which nurtured my understanding of anthropology of religion. I thank all professors in the department of Anthropology, in particular Dr. Clifford Brown who is an inspiration for everyone.

I would like to thank all the friends I have had a wonderful time with. Without your love and warm hearts, this journey would never be possible. My thanks to Tareq

Khamees who encouraged me to get out of my comfort zone and study a foreign culture.

Special thanks to Ryan Steeves whose friendship and profound knowledge influenced my worldview. iv

ABSTRACT

Author: Khawla Tomaleh

Title: Ethnography of Unitarian Universalism

Institution: Florida Atlantic University

Thesis Advisor: Dr. Susan Love Brown

Degree: Master of Arts

Year: 2019

Unitarian Universalism is a modern religion with a long history of reformation rooted in Christianity. My ethnography examines one of the Unitarian Universalist fellowships located in South Florida. The research examines the role of the church in

American lives and the significance of the religious experience among liberals and humanists.

American religions have been the focus of social scientists for the past forty years.

This study shed light on how modernity affects the trajectory of religion in the United

States. This is a holistic approach viewed of one of the American religions through a socio-economic and political lens.

Unitarian Universalism is comprehended through themes of individual narratives.

Unitarian Universalist narratives present the religious experience a heterogeneous group might share. The story of Unitarian Universalists explains how religion is attached socially and culturally to believers. My research offers an alternative narrative for people who represent a minority among traditional and world religions. v

DEDICATION

To Ryan and Salwa,

To Basil al-Araj and all dreamers and fighters for freedom.

ETHNOGRAPHY OF UNITARIAN UNIVERSALISM

LIST OF TABLES ...... xi

LIST OF FIGURES ...... xii

CHAPTER 1: INTRODUCTION ...... 1

Purpose of the Research ...... 1

Participant Observation ...... 2

Interviews ...... 4

Theoretical Approach ...... 5

The Origins of Unitarian Universalism ...... 8

Christian and European Roots ...... 10

Unitarianism ...... 11

Universalism ...... 13

Modern Unitarian Universalism ...... 14

Sources and Principles ...... 16

Modern American Religion ...... 18

Defining Religion ...... 18

Secular Paradigm ...... 21

Turning Point ...... 23

CHAPTER 2: PARTICIPANT OBSERVATION ...... 26

The Fellowship ...... 26

First Visit ...... 27

vii Socializing Niches ...... 28

Symbols and Rituals ...... 37

Flaming Chalice ...... 37

Service ...... 40

Microphone ...... 44

Structure ...... 47

Borrowed Rituals ...... 49

Ceremonies and Holidays ...... 52

Religious Education Program ...... 55

Activism ...... 58

Believing in Action ...... 58

My Activism ...... 59

Fellowship Activism ...... 60

Political Interests ...... 63

CHAPTER 3: RITE OF PASSAGE ...... 66

An Ongoing Story ...... 70

Childhood ...... 73

Objections ...... 75

Confrontation ...... 78

Reactions ...... 80

Adulthood ...... 83

Family ...... 85

Church Shopping ...... 88

viii CHAPTER 4: UNITARIAN UNIVERSALIST IDENTITIES ...... 92

Liberal Unitarian Universalists ...... 94

Realist Unitarian Universalists ...... 97

Activist Unitarian Universalists ...... 99

Atheist Unitarian Universalists ...... 101

Agnostic Unitarian Universalists ...... 105

Mystical Unitarian Universalists ...... 106

Spiritual not Religious ...... 110

CHAPTER 5: CULTURAL AND PSYCHOLOGICAL INTERPRETATION ...... 113

Toward De-alienation ...... 113

Social Alienation ...... 117

Rebellious Generation ...... 121

Modern Spirituality ...... 123

Marketplace and Community ...... 126

Therapeutic Culture ...... 129

System of Circles ...... 132

Confessional Ethic ...... 136

Free Folk ...... 139

CHAPTER 6: CONCLUSION ...... 143

TABLES ...... 152

APPENDICES ...... 156

APPENDIX A. SAMPLE OF MICRO ANALYSIS ...... 157

APPENDIX B. SAMPLE OF UNITARIAN UNIVERSALIST NARRATIVE ...... 169

ix REFERENCES ...... 171

x LIST OF TABLES

Table 1: Sample of semantic encoding ...... 152

Table 2: Collective childhood religious experience ...... 153

Table 3: Objections of religion ...... 154

Table 4: Church shopping ...... 154

xi LIST OF FIGURES

Figure 1. Welcoming banner observed at the entrance of the Fellowship...... 28

Figure 2. A sign of neutral gender bathroom. Observed at the Fellowship...... 28

Figure 3. Two members preparing coffee and snacks at the kitchen...... 29

Figure 4. Entrance hall where people gather and socialize...... 30

Figure 5. The Fellowship’s patio...... 31

Figure 6. Snacks for coffee hour with a donation box...... 32

Figure 7. The sanctuary...... 36

Figure 8. Classic double-circle symbol of flaming chalice...... 37

Figure 9. Official Flaming Chalice symbol...... 38

Figure 10. Form of the flaming chalice...... 40

Figure 11. Microphone besides a table...... 46

Figure 12. Pulpit observed for special incident in the Fellowship...... 48

Figure 13. Bell of Tibetan. Observed in the sanctuary...... 49

Figure 14. Full-moon prayer. Observed in the fellowship...... 50

Figure 15. Children and adults dancing the maypole dance...... 53

Figure 16. Halloween customs offered before service...... 54

Figure 17. Members celebrating Easter...... 55

Figure 18. Nehmiah Action Assembly ...... 62

xii CHAPTER 1: INTRODUCTION

Purpose of the Research

Unitarian Universalism is a modern religion developed in the 1960s with deep roots and a long history in religious reformation in the United States. It is fashioned to be a creedless religion that integrates world religious and philosophical traditions. My main purpose for studying this religion is to better understand Unitarian Universalism within the American social context as a micro heterogeneous religious group. My research sheds light on what unifies this group and makes it an active social unit within the current

American religious and cultural environment. My ethnographic account examines the individual experiences within modern approaches to religion, explaining the variance of collective understanding of religion and spirituality within the group. To better understand the Unitarian Universalist religious experience, I tried to focus on the personal motivation and affiliation to this religion. Overall, my study aims to capture a holistic cultural phenomenon presented through Unitarian Universalist religious expression.

My research includes a general introduction to modern American religion as a structural background, followed by a short history of Unitarian Universalism from the beginning of the sixteenth-century Protestant Reformation taking place in Europe and leading to the modern formation of Unitarian Universalism. The historical background in the first chapter is followed by modern theories of religion, addressing the definition of religion as a modern academic outcome, focusing on the particularity of American

1 religions. The second chapter presents an overview of my fieldwork within a Unitarian

Universalist Fellowship, providing a descriptive account of the Fellowship structure, its main symbols and rituals, in addition to other events and programs, presenting individual interactions and connection to the Fellowship. The purpose of this chapter is to familiarize the reader with my fieldwork, presenting some of my data visually. The third and fourth chapters offer an emic approach by depicting Unitarian Universalist religious experience and identity based on informants’ interviews. The purpose of collecting these narratives is to get the reader to a deeper level of understanding individual religious experiences, capturing main characters involved within the Fellowship and their intersections. In the fourth chapter, I analyze cultural and psychological aspects of

Unitarian Universalist religious experience. There, I connect individual experiences to the broad social and cultural spectrum. By the end of this study, I hope the reader will have a holistic understanding of Unitarian Universalism.

Participant Observation

When I decided to observe Unitarian Universalism, my interest was driven toward studying a religious group that would help me understand American society and culture through a closer gaze at American lives and religious experience. Since I moved to

Florida in 2015, I began my observation through my first interaction with curious colleagues in the Anthropology department asking me about myself and my culture. I found the same curiosity driving me towards experiencing American life instead of asking what it means to be an American. This constant function between “outsider” and

“insider” statuses provoked more questions as I tried to build a solid foundation to my understanding and relationships with people. I tried to get outside my comfort zone

2 through my interaction with Americans, focusing on understanding and practicing anything American, as long as I could do it.

Improving my language to speak the American dialect helped me also to reach a profound understanding. Pop-culture was an essential element to provide an access to cross-cultural understanding of American life, allowing me to share with friends different ideas and thoughts. Whether by playing games, watching movies, meetings in bars or restaurants, all the small or long talks about life in general were part of my participant observation in America, which inspired me to dig to a deeper level within Unitarian

Universalism in particular. Anthropologists play a risky game by getting closer to their subjects as they might lose themselves while being totally engaged with the “other.” I have been very close to many Americans and Unitarian Universalists, who became part of my daily life sharing four years of experience.

I was able to begin my participant observation officially in the Fellowship in

January 2018, and ended it February 2019. I participated in 25 Sunday services and coffee hours. I got to practice Unitarian Universalist rituals, singing hymns and connecting with members individually. I participated also in other ritual events such as yoga and meditation, full-moon prayer, winter solstice, and holiday parties such as

Christmas, Hanukkah, Halloween, and Easter held in the Fellowship. I participated in some of the main Unitarian Universalist meetings for different groups. I focused on the

Forum Meeting, where older people gather to discuss different topics about religion and social life. I participated nine times in that group, as I got to hear members’ opinions and main interests on different subjects. I became a friend to this group. I joined them in discussion meetings which sometimes happened outside the Fellowship. I participated in

3 other small meetings, such as a board meeting discussing the Fellowship budget, meetings for new members, a peace group discussing activism, and some meetings in members’ houses for social interaction.

Interviews

Through my participation in the Fellowship, I built a strong relationship with my informants on a personal and academic level. I have been invited to their meetings, joined them for lunch or dinner, celebrated birthdays, exchanged gifts, and sometimes just met for coffee somewhere and enjoyed a delightful conversation. I became very close to a

Unitarian Universalist couple, who became an essential part of my research after they offered to let me live with them, as I was looking to move from my apartment in the

Summer of 2018. Our relationships enhanced our mutual interests in learning about each other’s cultures and traditions. I found that a lot of my understanding of American social life and culture comes from talking to Americans in general and Unitarian Universalists in particular who witnessed a social change during the 1960s. I met and interviewed many members from the Baby Boomer generation who represent the majority within the

Fellowship. My attempt in interpret American culture relies on face-to-face interviews to get a full understanding of this experience regarding the position of my subjects as the

“authors” of their own culture.

Through my participant observation, I have encountered more than 50 informants; some joined me in small conversation or free talks, while 20 had participated in long and private interviews. All my informants were very welcoming, and some were excited to be interviewed. The interviews were mostly semi-structured, as I wanted to emphasize the fluidity of narrative. I tried to maintain the fluidity of an informant’s narrative while

4 keeping my focus on the main questions of my study. My interviews began by asking about religious affiliation. From there, I tried to get them to explain their religious experience and their relationship to the place. I have interviewed an intern minister, oldest-aged member, youngest- adult member, religious education director, UU-born members, and members with disabilities. Most of the interviews were conducted during the coffee hours, and some were outside the church in a café or a restaurant. The average length of each interview was 30- 60 minutes, a couple of interviews lasted for more than

100 minutes, and some of them were split into more than one interview. All names in this study are anonymous. The identity of the Fellowship remains anonymous since it is considered a small congregation.

Theoretical Approach

In this study, I examine religion through a variety of phenomenological, psychological, economic approaches, while maintaining my focus on interpretive anthropology. According to Michael Banton, religion is to be explained in terms of society and personality, through providing a social structural outlook that adds an adequate psychological explanation (1966: 121-122) My study examines personal experience with religious meanings that is tangled with reality, power and political tension among a particular group. Approaching religion through an ethnographic account offers an imaginative access to religion beyond the complexities of public/private, symbol/structure, state/religion, practice/belief, realizing that “social life is a process of interaction between these imprecise private understandings and the public objects and events which are both their source and product” (Strauss and Quinn 1997: 46). My approach might not capture this complexity completely; however, it is an attempt to apply

5 this discursive understanding to modern Unitarian Universalism as an American religious group within its historical context, estimating the social structure in which religious meanings were formed.

My ethnographic study relies on a symbolic approach examining religious meanings without ignoring the social and political aspects. Clifford Geertz, in his article,

“The Pinch of Destiny: Religion as Experience, Meaning, Identity, Power” (1999), addresses modern definitions of religion, criticizing the view of William James who considered religion a private experience based on personal feeling and suffering. In

Geertz’s perspective, this view separates spirituality from collective public experience, which assures that religion is not isolated from social norms, although it stems from personal internal faith and relates to personal sentiments. “The pinch is still there, sharp and nagging. But it feels for some reason, somehow different. Less private, perhaps, or harder to locate” (Geertz 1999: 2). Geertz thinks that the “pinch” or life-struggle observed within religions is involved with the political and economic affairs that require an action and a prominent role in reality, and sometimes require real forces in order to have a public expression. Religion should be viewed in terms of power, as it brings a new dimension to meaning and purpose regarding fundamental factors of structuring people’s identities, which is a public concern expressed through religion. “The world does not run on believing alone. But it hardly runs without them” (Geertz 1999: 7). What we have witnessed of varieties of religious experience involved in political and social life disproves the idea of considering religion merely an instrument for individual ambitions, considering the role of religion as an expression of societal groups.

6 My ethnography uses a holistic approach based on my fieldwork participant observation. As Geertz states in one of his interviews, “In anthropology, you have to learn to do it and do it at the same time” (Panourgia 2002: 422). As the pioneer of interpretive anthropology, Geertz views cultural analysis through semantic interpretation that extracts subjects’ accounts as secondary interpretation of native culture. While admitting subjectivity and the importance of the self-plunge into participant observation,

Geertz suggests what he calls “thick description,” as a substantive methodology to define the work of any ethnographer and transform the meaning of any culture (1973:3). Thick description is based mainly on a thorough writing process which is not one-dimensional; it starts with describing the smallest unit the ethnographer observes to the widest cultural scene that reflects the complexity of any nation (Geertz 1973: 6-9). Then it comes to be a full description that needs the ethnographer’s own interpretation to explain the meaning of the cultural symbols and transfer it explicitly to another audience.

Trying to fulfill the research purpose, I developed my methodology to keep my ethnographic account between emic and etic perspectives as a researcher coming from a different cultural background. After a thorough analysis of my data, the base of my interpretive model was formed. It was a result of the semantic encoding for macro and micro levels of informants’ narratives. My linguistic analysis focused on Unitarian

Universalist language and expressions. After giving each individual a coding color, I associated them to shared phrases and words that hold signification to primary stories

(See table 1). Through semantic encoding, I developed an analytical model that explains the Unitarian Universalist thematic narratives within a timeline starting with the childhood experience with religion. All Unitarian Universalists whom I encountered–

7 other than those who were born into a Unitarian Universalist religion– converted from different religion (See table 2). Data shows projections these individuals pose against their original childhood religion. These objections relate to different topics mainly focusing on church control and some theological subjects (Table 3). Individuals go through a long journey of searching for the right church before they end up joining

Unitarian Universalism (See table 4). I presented the Unitarian Universalist narrative based on my informant’s accounts, applying an interpretive model explained in Chapter three. The collectivity of my interpretation was based on a micro analysis of individual narrative (See appendix 1).

The Origins of Unitarian Universalism

Unitarian Universalism is a modern religion that has developed from a ‘‘liberal’’ or ‘‘rational’’ Christianity among ‘‘humanists,’’ who view “religious value in humanity itself but not in God or the supernatural” (McKanan 2015: 15). The Unitarian

Universalist Association was fashioned in 1961. It was the result of the consolidation of two established organizations: The American Unitarian Association and The Universalist

Church of America (Robinson 1974: 3). Before the merger of these denominations in

1961, Unitarianism and Universalism were particularly influential in the United States because of their engagement with different religious and social reformation. The consolidation between both denominations formed a modern approach to religion.

Unitarian Universalism is one of the American post-traditional religions that integrates multiple traditions of world religions influenced by Christianity. The origin of both Unitarianism and Universalism denotes the dynamic oppositional nature against early Orthodox Christianity. Historian David Robinson thinks that one of the Unitarian

8 Universalist distinct features has been “to break the creedal and institutional boundaries that traditionally defined religion and the church, and to embody the religious sense in the secular world itself” (1985: 25). In Bad Religion: How We Became a Nation of Heretics,

Ross Douthat notes, “Since the first settlers arrived in Jamestown and Plymouth, our common life has been shaped by a succession of fascinating, only-in-America faiths”

(2012: 6). By the description laid out by Douthat, Unitarian Universalism could be described as one of the “only-in-America faiths” as it was part of the American religious history and currently is widely spread in the United States and Canada. According to research conducted in 2013, the United States has “1000 congregations, 161,000 adult members, and 54,000 children who comprise the Unitarian Universalist Association”

(McKanan 2015: 15).

Unitarian Universalist creedless identity represents the “nation of heretics.”

“Nation of heretics” is how Ross Douthat characterizes the “dissent” trait of the

American nation. Although Douthat views heresy from a fundamental, orthodox perspective, Unitarian Universalists consider this character a privilege as Unitarian

Universalist minister, Forrest Church, emphasized, “Of course, I am a heretic. The word hairesis in Greek means choice; a heretic is one who is able to choose. Its root stems from the Greek verb hairein, to take. Faced with the mystery of life and death, each act of faith is a gamble. We all risk choices before the unknown” (1998: 7). Even though

Unitarian Universalism attempts to break free from traditional Christianity, it is always going to be seen as a product of this tense relationship between tradition and heresy. This relationship should be examined to reach a holistic understanding of Unitarian

Universalist identity.

9 Christian and European Roots

The history of Unitarianism and Universalism may be traced back to the early

Protestant Reformation movement when different theological and political movements took place in 16th-century Europe. After the division between the Protestants and

Catholics, leading to the English Civil War in the 1640s, many Protestant groups in

Europe had emerged, such as the Quakers, the Presbyterians, the Congregationalists, and the Anglicans (Butler et al. 2003: 6-8). Some of these groups witnessed progressive religious tolerance within enormous cultural diversity, which helped Unitarianism to develop by the beginning of the sixteenth century (Greenwood and Harris 2011: 21).

According to John Buehrens, a Unitarian Universalist minister and author, the origin of

Unitarian Universalism developed during an era when “Several hundred thousand members of the Protestant reformed church held Unitarian beliefs” (Buehrens and Church

1998: 62).

About one hundred years after the beginning of the Protestant Reformation in

Europe, some English Puritans moved to America and settled in Massachusetts, aiming for further reformation of the Church of England (Butler et al. 2003: 47). By the middle of the seventeenth century, New England became a place for other congregations to compete against old Puritans whose theology endorsed Calvinism, which considered salvation as merely an act of God’s mercy regardless of human action (Butler et al. 2003:

51). Calvinist theology was based on predestination, believing that “God chose those who would be saved before the dawn of time, and those not so elected were powerless to effect their own salvation” (Robinson 1985: 3). New England liberals, who began to appear as the “dissenters” against the Calvinist orthodoxy, viewed this theology as a

10 threat to human free-will (Robinson 1985: 3). Accordingly, Christian liberals emphasized individual salvation, believing in “human free will in the pursuit of redemption”

(Buehrens 2011: 16). Later, Calvinism would be the reason behind the rise of

Unitarianism and Universalism.

Unitarianism

Calvinism was the theological “enemy” of Unitarian predecessors, whose theology was addressed as an alternative message of hope and freedom (Robinson 1985:

3-4). Charles Chauncy (1705-1787) is considered one of the liberals who contributed in the development of the Unitarian theology, considering “God’s benevolence, humankind’s free will, and the dignity rather than the depravity of human nature”

(Robinson 1985: 4). This theological reformation proposed a liberal moral sense regarding human action in life, leading to an expansion of natural theology and rationalism, enhancing individual interpretations of scripture in nineteenth-century New

England (Robinson 1985: 17-20). The liberal humanistic view of religion was accompanied by restructuring the view of God, leading to the refutation of the Trinitarian doctrine. God was acknowledged as one and Jesus Christ as a “mere man,” not as equal to God (Robinson 1985: 23). After the liberals became more eager to defend their beliefs in the Unity of God, they were labeled as “Unitarians,” a name which was approved in

1819 by William Channing who added “Unitarian Christianity” to emphasize the movement’s Christian correlation (Robinson 1974: 29).

The Unitarians emerged among the intellectual elites and the social activists of

Boston, which enhanced their status among other denominations. Liberals maintained a lasting control over Harvard College, which was at the time a central source for ministry

11 training in New England. Harvard was viewed as tolerant advocator among Christians who established a platform in Divinity School that did not follow an orthodox agenda but one freer and more open to liberality. The establishment of the Divinity school was a starting point for Unitarians to consider “the need for institutional as well as doctrinal development” (Robinson 1985: 34- 35). The role that Harvard played in enabling the

Unitarian growth emphasizes a distinctive American resolution of secularism, where the situation is a blend of “worldly” and “sacred” realms. Instead of having the state support a religion, it is an educational institution that furnished a powerful status to a new denomination and leadership. By 1825, Unitarians strengthened the denominational organization by establishing the American Unitarian Association (Greenwood and Harris

2011: 140).

By the mid-nineteenth century, Unitarians were introduced to Transcendentalist literature, influenced mainly by Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882). Transcendentalism was a rebellious movement among youth Unitarians developing a “highly individualistic version of Unitarianism, disposed against ecclesiastical organization, and more reformist in its political outlook, within the limit of its individualism” (Robinson 1985: 5). In his article “The Transcendentalist,” Emerson attacked materialism, introducing a new aspect of spirituality reconciling divinity with human ideals and world (James 2004: 39).

The Transcendentalist adopts the whole connection of spiritual doctrine. He believes in miracle, in the perpetual openness of the human mind to new influx of light and power; he believes in inspiration, and in ecstasy. He wishes that the spiritual principle should be suffered to demonstrate itself to the end, in all possible applications to the state of man, without the admission of anything unspiritual: that is, anything positive, dogmatic, personal (Emerson 1950: 87).

12 Transcendentalism challenged the prevailing religious structure, leading liberal

Unitarians to stand up against modern rationalism and the Age of Reason, enhancing a closer view to divinity and worldview, an approach that was connected to nature and to humanistic faith (Greenwood 2011: 87). Transcendentalism influenced both Unitarianism and later was adopted by Universalism which changed the denominational trajectory, moving toward spirituality within an inclusive humanistic faith (Greenwood 2011: 77).

Universalism

While many Unitarians were “public leaders, Harvard-educated (or the equivalent), and of merchant class or professional background,” the Universalists were mostly, “ordinary fisherfolk, artisans, shopkeepers, and farmers” (Buehrens and Church

1998: 33). Universalists, like Unitarians, challenged Calvinism and fought for universal salvation as an alternative theology. Universal salvation proclaims that “God will save all souls” and does not believe in “the notion of permanent damnation to an everlasting hell,” as it opposes the notion of a loving God (Buehrens and Church 1998: 30). One of the founders of American Universalism was John Murray (1741-1851), who declared,

“God has not destined us for wrath, but for salvation” (Buehrens and Church 1998: 32).

The fear of an afterlife of punishment and the belief in a universal salvation created a struggle with Baptist churches in Massachusetts, leading the Universalists to turn away from evangelical orthodoxy. With the conversion to Universalism by many

Protestant Evangelicals in the late eighteenth century, Universalism “was beginning to sprout in the rich soil that the decay of Calvinism had produced” (Robinson 1974: 50).

The Universal religious views, emphasizing God’s mercy upon all humanity and the people’s responsibility of doing good work, created intense debates among other

13 traditional denominations. The struggle to improve the Universalist theology was associated with developing the institutional base of Universalism. Eventually in 1833, the

Universalists founded a solid installation by establishing the United States Convention of

Universalists (Greenwood and Harris 2011: 72).

Universalists were known for their strong connection with Christianity taking, “a large interest in defining themselves as the descendants of the earliest Christians”

(Robinson, 1985: 123-124). This notion was challenged by the beginning of the twentieth century, as liberal Universalists were driven toward modern interpretation of religion, integrating theology with social life, calling for “a more domestic division of land and industry, equal rights for women, social insurance, and a world federation” (Robinson

1985: 7). By this change, Universalism was attached to liberal humanism and shared with

Unitarianism a transcendentalist approach to religion.

Modern Unitarian Universalism

With the beginning of the twentieth century, liberal denominations became aware of their strength among other denominations and made a call for all Protestant churches to meet and cooperate with each other (Ross 2001: 8). Correspondingly, both

Unitarianism and Universalism valued the other as a normal ally and felt the need of a converged organization (Ross 2001: 8). By the mid-twentieth century, both denominations held similar humanistic and pluralistic views of religion, which was a good motive to consider unity (Robinson 1985: 175). The debates and discussions about the consolidation lasted for years until 1961, when the merger was completed and the

Unitarian Universalist Association (UUA) was established (Robinson 1985: 168). The

Unitarian Universalist Association has a significant role in determining the Unitarian

14 Universalist contemporary identity. Warren Ross states, “The fact that the forty years since the foundation of the UUA have not only shaped the denomination we know today but have in large measure determined who, collectively, we are and what we believe”

(2001: xiii).

The new consolidation revealed the different religious backgrounds among a larger group of Unitarians and Universalists. The divergence was mainly among three groups: the first were traditional theists, believing in God and affiliated with Christianity; the second were Universalist theists believing in human prophets; the third was the humanist group with no connection to any deity (Ross 2001: 18-19). Accordingly, the

Unitarian Universalist Association had a new mission: to construct a statement of principles that represented its beliefs and satisfying all groups. This shift towards satisfying and meeting people’s needs had a significant impact on the institutional trajectory of the Unitarian Universalist identity (Ross 2001: 18).

With the rise of modern science in the nineteenth century, the general theological approach started to deviate drastically from Christian tradition instead focusing on the ethical system (Robinson 1985: 116). This tendency affected Unitarians, who were concerned about dropping the importance of the concept of “God,” which became more detached from human lives and approached symbolically without its transcendental connotation (Robinson 1985: 143- 144). Unitarian Universalism started to create its modern identity in a very distinctive and chaotic period in American religious history between 1963-1973, when Americans lost their faith in political, cultural, economic and religious institutions (Roof 2001: 51). The shift in American religiosity was clearly fashioned away from institutional authority, and the religious experience having formed

15 individually with less attachment to the Judeo-Christian God. On the other hand, spirituality evolved in relation to mystical visions and other spiritual experiences (Roof

2001: 50-52).

Sources and Principles

Unitarian Universalism developed its belief system as part of the challenge in dealing with diverse religious identities. Therefore, Unitarian Universalism enhanced

“pluralism to a crucial degree, so that it could incorporate- literally “embody”– a whole host of different spiritualities” (Grigg 2004: 13). One of the manifestations of this pluralistic notion could be found in the Unitarian Universalist Hymns, which are a collection of readings and songs from different traditions of the world. Unitarian

Universalist worship and religious education took shape from the 1960s through the composition of “hymns and verse and the gathering of worship materials from all the world’s religions as well as from secular poets, philosophers, and public servant”

(Buehrens and Church 1998: 91). The Unitarian Universalist community believes that there is no exclusive “truth” but shared teachings among humanity. Unitarian

Universalism has six main sources from which its principles stem including:

• Direct experience of that transcending mystery and wonder, affirmed in all

cultures, which moves us to a renewal of the spirit and an openness to the forces

which create and uphold life;

• Words and deeds of prophetic women and men which challenge us to confront

powers and structures of evil with justice, compassion, and the transforming

power of love;

16 • Wisdom from the world's religions which inspires us in our ethical and spiritual

life;

• Jewish and Christian teachings which call us to respond to God's love by loving

our neighbors as ourselves;

• Humanist teachings which counsel us to heed the guidance of reason and the

results of science and warn us against idolatries of the mind and spirit.

• Spiritual teachings of earth-centered traditions which celebrate the sacred circle

of life and instruct us to live in harmony with the rhythms of nature (The

Unitarian Universalist Association 1993: x).

All previous sources indicate shared identities with other traditions and teachings.

Individuals can identify with their own religious traditions, while still claiming their

Unitarian Universalist membership. Pluralism was a reason for diverse intersections between different identities including liberals, atheists, activists and spiritual or mystical seekers. The Unitarian Universalist interfaith approach does not eliminate its Christian character, as shown in its Sunday services, Fellowship settings and symbols. While embracing its Christian roots, Unitarian Universalism was formed essentially as a creedless religion. Its main focus has been toward developing a setting for religious practices regarding “ethical behavior and personal fulfillment rather than the theological source of a moral code” (Greenwood and Harris 2011: 4). The Unitarian Universalist modern formation enhanced seven main principles that define what it stands for as a religion including:

• The inherent worth and dignity of every person.

• Justice, equity and compassion in human relations.

17 • Acceptance of one another and encouragement to spiritual growth in our

congregations.

• A free and responsible search for truth and meaning.

• The right of conscience and the use of the democratic process within our

congregations and in society at large.

• The goal of world community with peace, liberty, and justice for all.

• Respect for the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part (The

Unitarian Universalist Association 1993: x).

Individuals who belong to Unitarian Universalism define their religious experience through these main principles. My research attempts to explain how Unitarian

Universalists live their religion through the manifestation of its main principles. The individual experience is represented through a community experience, through interactions and communication among individuals. The Unitarian Universalist experience leads to question the definition of religion, since most definitions regard religion from a spiritual or creedal perspective. Unitarian Universalism might not follow a traditional definition of religion, but it is profoundly engaged with the academic dialogue and the attempt to redefine religion in the Modern world.

Modern American Religion

Defining Religion

Sociologists and anthropologists have contributed in providing multiple definitions of religion assuming universal characteristics of religious phenomena. Craig

Martin collects and discusses major definitions of religion which rely on a particular theme, such as: belief system, supernatural matters, matters of faith, the meaning of life,

18 communal institution, and spirituality (2009: 163). Martin describes these definitions as monothetic, since they concentrate on one aspect of religion, providing a definition that usually does not match with the way the word is used. Martin observes that the reason behind the mismatch with the colloquial use of religion is due to not only the different usage over time, but because the current use of religion functions differently due to social contexts (2009: 167). Therefore, Martin concludes, “If there are no common characteristics among those traditions colloquially called religions, it will be impossible to make relevant generalizations about them” (2009: 167). However, religion is an existing concept that is being perceived and defined spontaneously.

As scholars attempt to define religion, they assume the separation of religious ideas from the contextual practices. American historian of religions, Jonathan Smith, believes that religion is “solely the creation of the scholar’s study,” presented separately from social life in which religion intervenes with reality” (1982: xi). Brett Colasacco discusses Smith’s theory in his provocative article, “Is Religion a Universal in Human

Culture or an Academic Invention?” What has been known as religious characteristics are only “imaginative acts of comparison and generalization” through scholarly work (2018).

This claim does not disregard defining religion but emphasizes the academic need for self-awareness and its subjectivity, the realization that academic classification methods are the result of their particular social contexts.

Clifford Geertz, as a symbolic anthropologist, views religion as a system of symbols that could be distinguished from people’s practice and belief. Religious symbols are the vehicles to meanings producing a system that manifests itself through social structure and cultural acts that could be publicly observed and examined (1973: 91).

19 Therefore, Geertz suggests two stages for anthropological study of religion, “first, an analysis of the system of meanings embodied in the symbols which make up the religion proper, and second, the relating of these systems to social-structural and psychological processes” (1973: 125). Talal Asad criticizes Geertz’s definition of religion as falling under the same fallacy of giving religion a general definition (1993). Asad explains,

“Religious symbols- whether one thinks of them in terms of communication or of cognition, of guiding action or of expressing emotion- cannot be understood independently of their historical relations with non-religious symbols or of their articulations in and of social life, in which work and power are always crucial” (1993:

129). Therefore, Asad thinks that, “there cannot be a universal definition of religion, not only because its constituent elements and relationships are historically specific, but because that definition is itself the historical product of discursive processes” (1993:

129).

The separation between religious meanings and people’s practice and belief stems from assuming that one appears and influences the other, while in reality this sequence is impossible to capture. Imagining religion is how humans transform their metaphysical understanding and share it through their shared language. Some academics would view this imagination as illusory, reaching an extreme conclusion by denying that there is such a thing called religion. It is important to note that admitting subjectivity and criticizing the secular view of religion does not exempt examining religion as a shared social phenomenon if we take into account its context within social life.

20 Secular Paradigm

Unitarian Universalism can be viewed as a modern religious phenomenon which is an outcome of the early Protestant Reformation. Modernity and Protestantism are strongly tied to the secularization of religion. In Genealogies of Religion, Talal Asad discusses secularization as “a modern Western norm,” stemming its root from the strategy of liberal Christians and secular liberals; therefore, Asad regards it as “the product of a unique post-Reformation history” (1993: 28). Regarding the origin of modern religions, Jose Casanova, a sociologist of religion, believes that Protestantism has demolished the traditional ecclesiastical role in the Western world, creating modern alternatives towards the formation of secular society (1994: 21).

Following the lead of the Enlightenment and the Age of Reason, modern secularization enhanced a materialistic explanation of the natural world. God was no longer the first cause of the universe, as He began to disappear from different approaches of nineteenth-century scientists and philosophers including, Karl Marx, Friedrich

Nietzsche, and Sigmund Freud (Armstrong 1993: 346). Social scientists expected the recession of religion due to the rise of modern life including urbanization, industrialization, rationalization, and pluralization (Pollack and Olson 2008: 1). Within the early modern paradigm, religion was distinguished in opposition to modernity, depicting its function and essence as “a primitive and therefore outmoded form of the institutions we encounter in truer form (law, politics, science) in modern life” (Asad

1993: 27).

Beginning in the 1960s, social scientists offered different approaches to the theory of secularization, creating a significant shift in modern religion (Casanova 1994: 19).

21 After sociologists and anthropologists challenged the evolutionary and positivist paradigm, religion was viewed as part of human practice and belief distinguished from other human social practices (Asad 1993: 27). This approach assumed that religion is not to be confused or replaced by modern law or politics but acknowledged as a form or institution that maintains its distinct essence, as part of the definition of the term

“secularization,” which emphasizes the dualist notion of the “religious” and the “secular” as two distinct realms (Casanova 1994: 15). Stephen Warner indicates that this paradigm proposed two lenses through which religion was viewed: it was either viewed from a public perspective as a conventional social representation, or from a private perspective that doesn’t expect religion to grow but to decay due to being confined to individual experience (1993: 1047). In The Invisible Religion (1967), sociologist Thomas Luckmann describes religion in late modernity as “invisible.”

The modern sacred cosmos legitimates the retreat of the individual into the “private sphere” and sanctifies his subjective “autonomy.” Thus, it inevitably reinforces the autonomous functioning of the primary institutions. By bestowing a sacred quality upon the increasing subjectivity of human existence, it supports not only the secularization but also what we called the dehumanization of the social structure (Luckmann 1967: 116).

Jose Casanova explains invisible religion due to its lost societal function; therefore, modern religions do not present major problems or interpretations and “do not challenge either the dominant structures or the dominant paradigms” (1994: 5).

Consequently, Fundamentalist Christians regard modern religions as “a sign of something gone wrong in the larger culture and as threats to mainstream values and social stability”

(Laderman and Leon 2003: 295). Some of these negative outlooks to modern religion came from orthodox accounts, such as G. K. Chestron’s Orthodoxy (1908). The orthodox

22 view considers new religions a destruction of Christian faith except that in each attempt of destruction, Christianity proves its very existence (Douthat 2012: 277-278). Ross

Douthat emphasizes the heretical characteristics of modern religions that caused “an ongoing crisis in American culture,” as a result of what he calls “bad religion: the slow- motion collapse of traditional Christianity” (Douthat 2012: 3). Despite these attitudes of alienation towards modern religions, sociologists since the 1980s have begun to acknowledge the many factors of the dynamic religious change throughout the United

States, with distinct American characteristics, depicting a religious nation in a secular world (Warner 1993: 1048).

Turning Point

Social scientists have recently emphasized that individualizing religion and therefore assuming its decay, actually contradicts the evident growth and the rise of new religions over the past decades (Pollack and Olson 2008: 1). Jose Casanova indicates that religion has witnessed a turning point since the 1980s: “It entered the ‘public sphere’ and gained, thereby, ‘publicity’. Various publics–the mass media, social scientists, professional politicians, and the ‘public at large’–suddenly began to pay attention to religion” (Casanova 1994: 3). Casanova views American religions through its main turning point when “historians have begun to show that the story of religion in America from 1700 to the present is one of ascension rather than declension, of growth rather than decline” (1994: 27).

American religions in the 1980s went through a dynamic change within the public/private spheres, shaking the academic view of American religions. Warner suggests that religion should not be viewed according to its public/private criteria, but as

23 “the vital expression of groups” (1993: 1047). This approach trains attention to the particularity and contextuality of religion, accordingly, American religions is to be viewed according to Warner as “institutionally distinct and distinctively competitive”

(1993: 1051) Warner explains the new scholarly attention to American religion in the

1970s as a result of the American reactions to public religiosity including, “the incomprehension that met Jimmy Carter’s confession as a born-again Christian; the embarrassment occasioned by Jesse Jackson’s public prayers; the near panic that greeted the emergence of the New Religious Right; the incredulity met by regular reports that more than 90% of Americans believe in God and 70% claim church membership and

40% attend weekly” (1993: 1046). Reconsidering the public religious expression has improved the recognition of modern spiritual seeking phenomenon in the United States.

“Many commentators conceive especially of the increased popularity of New Age,

Paganism, Wicca, and the like, as indicating a present-day re-enchantment of the world”

(Aupers and Houtman 2010: 4) The New Age movement could explain the formation of modern religions with which some Unitarian Universalists identify. However, this recognition is not agreed upon among contemporary social scientists and other religious accounts.

Unitarian Universalism offers a modern approach to religion, a result of its legacy since the nineteenth century. Since the Transcendental movement, Unitarian

Universalism went through a shift in its approach to religion, moving toward a humanistic theology (Robinson 1985:144). The contemporary Unitarian Universalist approach provided a reconciliation between theism and humanism, attempting to

“reformulate liberal theology on completely nontheistic ground” (Robinson 1985:7). This

24 view regards humanism as “a religion without God,” since religion is a human activity that does not require theism (Armstrong 1993: xix). Karen Armstrong explains how the rejections of God, or what we describe as atheism, is but a negation of the former concept of the divine that is seen through its historical context (1993: 354). In the nineteenth century for example, denying God was mainly a rejection of the Christian God who “had been used to alienate men and women from their humanity” (Armstrong 1993: 350). On the other hand, the Western view of the world enhanced humanism, claiming that,

“human personality can determine for itself, independent from a true knowledge of scripture, what the moral good is and subsequently act upon that determination” (Carter

2005: 141).

Unitarian Universalism embraces humanism through its engagement in social life, enhancing a high degree of self-reliance and individualism. The Unitarian Universalist approach to religion went through a turning point after World War II, when moral issues became political; it was able to reconcile social commitment and individualism, providing a religious experience through its fellowships (Robinson 1985: 155- 156).

Unitarian Universalist Fellowships are fashioned to provide a worship experience within a particular community.

25 CHAPTER 2: PARTICIPANT OBSERVATION

The Fellowship

My participant observation of Unitarian Universalist Fellowship located in South

Florida began in summer 2016. The Fellowship is not a big congregation compared to other Unitarian Universalist congregations in the northeastern United States. According to the Fellowship’s annual report of 2016, it had only about 205 members with an annual budget of under $300,000. The Fellowship is affiliated with Unitarian Universalist

Association headquartered in Boston, Massachusetts. The Fellowship was fashioned the same year as the merger between Unitarianism and Universalism in 1961. It was one of other fellowships sprouted after the formation of the Fellowship Movement.

The Fellowship movement was run by religiously liberal laypeople who brought social justice to the discourse of religion after World War II, attempting to regulate

American individuality alongside social commitment (Robinson1985:155). The

Fellowship movement revitalized Unitarianism in locations unlikely to support churches after it was initiated in 1948. “This was a liberal religion of the grass-roots variety, intensely local and of necessity very often innovative in worship style” (Robinson

1985:167). Fellowships tend to be smaller than churches, favorably intimate, less structural and more direct; it offers a therapeutic environment, “helping members to move through anger and rejection of a religion of the past towards a positive view of religion “(https://www.uua.org/re/tapestry/adults/river/workshop16/178925.shtml).”

26 First Visit

My usual experience on Sunday mornings was spent doing whatever I wanted– going for a walk or shopping, spending a day at the beach, or not leaving the house, and definitely not attending a church service. I never went to a church on a Sunday morning prior to the Unitarian Universalist Fellowship, which was to become the site of my ethnographic research. Ever since, Sunday mornings have felt totally different. Of course, there were some days when I missed my lazy weekends and had to shut off the alarm and continue my sleep, feeling guilty afterwards. Things became much easier later on, as I began feeling connected to my study.

The Fellowship building has a modest structure consisting of several rooms for meetings and children’s programs, sanctuary, kitchen, ministry offices, and a patio where people gather after the service for coffee hour. The first thing you notice before you enter is the LGBTQ flag, which is not found only at the Fellowship main entrance, but in many places throughout the Fellowship building. Inclusiveness and welcoming are important messages that are emphasized through Fellowship signs and outlook. Welcoming might be the first experience for visitors, as one Unitarian Universalist member will make sure to welcome you personally and offer you a name tag and a paper to fill out if you want to receive their newsletter and weekly update. After my name was registered, I noticed different brochures providing information pertaining to Unitarian Universalism and its different events and programs; there was also the Fellowship’s monthly newsletter, The

Unicorn. I grabbed one of each as I continued my walk before my eyes caught another sign that said, “Welcome, all Shapes, Sizes, Colors, Sexes, Languages, Cultures, Beliefs,

Ages, Preferences, Statuses. You are home!” (Figure 1). There are signs of welcoming

27 and inclusiveness everywhere in the room. One of these signs is found at the door of the

Fellowship’s gender-neutral restroom (Figure 2).

Figure 2. A sign of neutral gender bathroom. Observed at the Fellowship. (Photo by Khawla Tomaleh).

Figure 1. Welcoming banner observed at the entrance of the Fellowship. (Photo by Khawla Tomaleh).

Socializing Niches

The Fellowship offers different rooms for members to use for socializing and connecting. As one of the board members told me, it is “A fancy way of getting people together to build relationships and foster one another’s searching of meaning of truth.”

On the left of the entrance hall there is a big kitchen where coffee is made, and snacks are prepared (Figure 3). I joined members on multiple occasions in different kitchen chores and found that the kitchen is an important spot for social interaction. Everyone who enters the kitchen will probably at least say hello and might join you in a short

28 conversation. Lisa is one of the members whom I interviewed after meeting her in the kitchen and noticing her attendance at different events. Lisa, a mother of three, had to move to live in South Florida for her new job before she joined the Fellowship. Her goal was to find a community after she suffered from living by herself for the first time without knowing anyone in the area. Lisa believed that volunteering was the best way to penetrate the group and create relationships, so she volunteered for most of the events at the Fellowship, mainly in the kitchen. When I asked her if she likes being in the kitchen, she responded: “I do like it. I love being in the kitchen, I mean I love to cook, period.

And being in the kitchen is nice because I get to know a lot more people. Everybody wants to come and get coffee and goodies, and so then everybody sees me, and they know that I'm participating, so yeah, I've gotten to know a lot more people because I’ve been in the kitchen sink, I don't know why they want to come and talk to the lady with the coffee, but they do.”

Figure 3. Two members preparing coffee and snacks at the kitchen (Photo by Khawla Tomaleh).

29 The kitchen is not the only spot where you find people having casual talks in the

Fellowship before and after the service. At the main entrance hall (Figure 4), members usually gather in small groups with their family or friends while waiting for the service to commence. You might see people meeting after a long absence, members chatting about future events or trying to raise money. Or, it might be old friends, giving hugs, asking about family or health. You might find the minister among congregants, talking to them before the service wearing a formal dress with high heels. There is no specific dress code for members and visitors in the Fellowship. Other than holidays, people are usually dressed casually, although some people might prefer dressing up more formally for

Sunday services, while others feel comfortable not doing so. In these few minutes prior to the service, everyone gets a chance to connect with someone if they are interested. It was the most challenging time for me to find someone to talk to during these few minutes, as

Figure 4. Entrance hall where people gather and socialize (Photo by Khawla Tomaleh).

30 most congregants would be busy talking to people they knew. There is no time for long conversations and stories. Smiling and saying hello to a member might be enough as a beginning that leads to further engagement. One woman once asked me to hold her small dog while she filled out a paper, and she informed me after that about people who might be helpful for my study.

After the service, some

members gather in the Fellowship’s

patio (Figure 5) for coffee hour. The

coffee hour is another activity where

members and visitors participate in

casual conversation and get to know

each other. A member might grab a cup

of coffee or have some cookies,

brownies, or chips donated by members

with the option to add to the collection Figure 5. The Fellowship’s patio (Photo by Khawla Tomaleh). box for an additional donation (Figure

6). The circle tables on the patio are usually surrounded by similar groups who tend to stick together. There is some interaction between these groups, while some move around other tables, but as observed, it is mostly the same people and sometimes of the same age.

The small size of the congregation helps in creating an intimate relationship between congregants. Some members leave the coffee hour and meet in a fast-food restaurant for brunch. I participated in most of coffee hours during my observations and conducted many of my interviews during this hour

31

Figure 6. Snacks for coffee hour with a donation box (Photo by Khawla Tomaleh).

Forum Meeting

One of the interesting Unitarian Universalist social niches is the Forum Meeting where 12- 15 members gather in a room an hour before the Sunday service. Most of these members are older than 70 years. They are interested in having younger people participate in the discussion, but that rarely happens. I noticed only two young people showing up a few times during my observations. Members of this group are essential informants in this study as they helped me to understand the generational aspect of this religion and revealed important internal issues that occur among members of this congregation.

The Forum Meeting is meant to bring a group that has common interests together to discuss social and daily life issues that seem to be influenced by aging and health matters related to this particular group. The discussion leader begins the conversation, making sure each member gets a chance to present their ideas. Some of the discussed topics are metaphysical, such as the existence of God, spirit or the afterlife. The group

32 also discussed issues related to their well-being: the right to end one’s life, boredom, intimacy. There is usually a good amount of disagreement among the group members.

James, the discussion leader, ends the discussion usually after 30 to 40 minutes and asks the group to come up with a new topic for the next meeting, and the debate continues for at least 10 minutes. An example of what these ten minutes look like can be captured in the following dialogue from one of the later group’s discussions:

“I suggest prayer?” James starts.

“We already discussed it.”

“Global warming?”

“We already did it.”

“What about: is there a God?”

“Oh God!” The woman seems annoyed.

“Crime?”

“Did it.”

“How about the two million people in prison?”

“Did that with justice.”

“What do you want to discuss?” A man pointing at me and then continues, “are

you taking notes?”

I had to explain for the group what I am doing and answered similar questions from my first visit to the Forum Meeting. Some members have already begun to forget me since I stopped attending. After one man remembered me and welcomed me back, the discussion continued:

“We need to find a topic.” James tries to bring them back into the main task.

33 “How about speech therapy?”

“Tariffs?”

“That’s political.”

“What’s wrong with political? Everything is political.”

James brings up “prayer” again.

“If we’re gonna discuss prayer, we have to discuss meditation.”

“No we don’t, they’re separate,” James comments.

“How about the US/Mexico wall?”

“Noooo!” Many yelling together.

“That’s something we don’t wanna get into.”

“Why?”

“They don’t wanna say the guy’s name.”

“I don’t know.”

“I think we could discuss the wall without killing each other.”

“I like walls.”

“How about the subject: what is security?”

“How about no subject?”

“What is security. That’s a good subject.”

“It’s gonna return to politics!”

James ended the discussion and collected votes, which settled on ‘What is security’ with a promise not to discuss the wall. The wall refers to the board wall

President Donald Trump attempts to build at the U.S.-Mexico border. After President

Trump was elected in 2016, it became a solid challenge for members of the Fellowship.

34 to discuss the political situation in the United States. Within the Forum group, politics were part of the group’s discussion at the beginning of my observation in 2016, but things took a different direction later. In the last observation on January 2019, the group decided not to discuss politics as it provoked some tension among the group. “It’s supposed to be fun.” This is what James, answered when I asked him about the reason of their decision.

This decision created disagreement among the group, and some members stopped attending the Forum meeting because of this reason.

The Sanctuary

The service takes place within the sanctuary (Figure 7); a large hall consisting of over 200 chairs facing the pulpit. Towards the left of the pulpit, there are around 24 chairs for the choir and beside it sits a classic piano. Chairs in the sanctuary are all the same. The pulpit is slightly elevated against a modest backdrop which is minimally adorned. The sanctuary looks simple and plain, it does not show many objects or symbols. The Fellowship building is important to the members of this particular congregation. Members have been fighting to maintain the budget to cover the building costs, refusing to move to another building despite the financial challenge of keeping this location.

One of the interesting features of the Fellowship building that attaches people to it is located in the sanctuary, where the hall is surrounded by large windows that allow natural light to enter. Additionally, the windows help to accentuate the live trees outside the building. On the two sides of the windows, you find a stained-glass portrait of the sun facing eastward, and an additional portrait of the moon westward. This setting gives a sense of connection to nature, as one of the members told me. Patricia, who attends the

35 Fellowship regularly, lives about 30 miles away. The Unitarian Universalist Fellowship next to her house is held in a warehouse, which is unappealing to her, she says, “I need that nature, I can’t worship in a warehouse. [Laughing] One of the reasons I love our sanctuary is because of all the trees around it, because it feels you’re held by the trees, it’s that connection to nature.” Patricia and other Unitarian Universalist members associate the light and trees as the core of nature, which represents one of Unitarian

Universalist main sources: “Spiritual teachings of earth-centered traditions, which celebrate the sacred circle of life and instruct us to live in harmony with the rhythms of nature” (uua.org).

Figure 7. The sanctuary (Photo by Khawla Tomaleh).

36 Symbols and Rituals

Flaming Chalice

The symbol of Unitarian Universalism is the flaming chalice, a vessel with light, which symbolizes sacrifice and love. It was designed by Hans Deutsch, an Austrian artist, who brought together the chalice and the flame as a Unitarian symbol during World War

II. There are different styles and interpretations of this symbol among Unitarian

Universalists. The classic flaming chalice (Figure 8), is cruciform setting off the center of two circles representing the Christian heritage and the overlap between the two denominations, Unitarianism and Universalism.

After one of the services, I sat with the intern minister, Linda, who was training for ministry in the Fellowship. Linda started our conversation by telling me the story of the chalice.

We didn't have any sort of visible symbol for people to point to, and the Unitarian service committee, which was working on getting Jewish people out of Europe during World War II, they put the symbol that was a flaming chalice on their letterhead, and the chalice symbolizes that everybody gets access, because in the Medieval Church the chalice was at communion. In Christian communion, people would be given bread but only the priest would get the wine out of the chalice, and here they’re like: no, everyone gets everything.

Unitarian Universalism has a dynamic relationship with its past (Christian roots), and future (worldwide utopia), emphasized through their symbol. It will always hold its “Christian heritage as but one part of a larger, more

Figure 8. Classic double-circle universal whole” (Buehrens and Church1998: symbol of flaming chalice (uua.org). 75).

37 As a people who are proud of its heretic heritage, Unitarian Universalists associate the chalice to the story of Jan Hus, a Christian theologian and reformer who was a preacher in Prague in the 1400s. Hus was condemned to death and burned at the stake after he prompted the right to worship in translated language against the Catholic church

(Buehrens and Church 1998: 75). Jan Hus is not the only figure Unitarian Universalists praise. Linda also talked about Michael Servetus who was a Christian theologian in the sixteenth century.

And then the flame comes from the flame of Martyrdom. So, Michael Servetus, who we look at him as a Unitarian martyr, not that he was a member of any sort of Unitarian church, but he was burnt at the stake during The Protestant Reformation. John Calvin tried and killed him for the promotion of proto Unitarian ideas. Very interesting figure! UU ministers love him. We look at him as one of our saints. He might be the only person who was burned at the stake by Protestants. So, the flame should signify how far people are willing to go for their faith. like this is not a faith of only showing up, there’s some congregants who say you just show up on Sunday and complain. No! it should consume your whole worldview the way fire will consume anything in its path.

The flaming chalice went through many changes as a logo used for official representation and publication. There are many different styles shown in different congregations, representing the constant reformation process of Unitarian

Universalist identification. Searching for identity is a main purpose for Unitarian Universalist Figure 9. Official Flaming Chalice symbol (uua.org). institutions, as people of this religion try to develop

a clearer view of who they are away from what has been shaped in the past. The

Unitarian Universalist Association attempts to have an advertising and marketing vision

38 to attract people from different backgrounds. In 2014, the UUA adopted a modern design

(Figure 9) that displays a simple flame over a chalice that comes with variety of attractive colors including LGBTQ rainbow colors. The UUA thinks that this logo could help in presenting the modern Unitarian Universalist identity, faith, and its true story. Rev. Peter

Morales, the president of Unitarian Universalist Association wrote on its official website the reason behind this change as it came out after a long process of reevaluating Unitarian

Universalist values, personality and purpose. The new logo does not have circles and there is no sign for crucifixion, which could relate to the UUA public’s negative impressions towards traditional religions. Part of the logo changing process was testing how the logo feels to groups of Unitarian Universalists and non-Unitarian Universalists as they expressed their feelings in words such as, “brave, enlightening, warm, spiritual, energizing, having integrity, welcoming and determined” (Morales 2014, https://www.uua.org/pressroom/press-releases/announcement-uua-brand-story).

39 The relationship between Unitarian Universalist Fellowship and the flame could be seen through lighting candles as a common ritual during different services. It was observed at the beginning of the

Fellowship services, solstice rituals, lighting of the Menorah, and sometimes in services that present special occasions.

The flaming chalice in the sanctuary is observed in three spots: centered on the backdrop of the pulpit, printed on a tapestry on a wooden podium, and in a vessel made of stone with a candle on the top (Figure 10).

Figure 10. Form of the flaming chalice (Photo by Khawla Tomaleh)

Service

The Fellowship service consists of several elements; each element presents a micro ritual performed by the minister, other members or visitors, and children are always expected to join in small roles, such as lighting the candle of the chalice or ringing the bell. There is a dynamic interactive role for attendees during the service. It is possible for Unitarian Universalist members to leave the service while it is still running or not to attend any service at all. Some members, whom I met in the Forum Meeting, do

40 not attend the service; some expressed their discontent with the services or the minister and some did not like the music. One member expressed his interest in attending only the summer services, because members get to do their own preaching while the minister takes off for summer break.

While you wander around the entrance hall before service, suddenly you will hear a ringing bell, and you will see people following the sound. It is the call for the service, which starts at 10:30am. Services in Unitarian Universalist fellowships start usually around this time. As people arrive to the sanctuary, they pass the minister with one or two other members who stand outside the sanctuary and welcome people personally. Some people respond as they walk by smiling at the minister, or they might stop to shake her hand and sometimes give her a hug. Then you might find someone handing you a hymnal, while you find your way to a seat. You could also grab the service script at the door and an announcements sheet, which has also an audio form saved in a flash for people with disabilities.

Eventually, everyone finds a seat, and some older members have their spot saved for them where they sit beside their family or friends. This is why I sometimes had to ask if I could sit in specific chairs. Later, as I developed friendships with congregants, I would sometimes find a member saving me a seat beside them. Usually there are extra chairs and the sanctuary never was full. There was no room for walking around the hall while the service was running, so I made sure to sit in different spots during my observations, so I could capture different angles for the service. Often, I sat beside members with whom I was familiar; however, that was not always the case. Occasionally,

41 I would sit with members I did not know well, or by myself to better observe the

Fellowship members.

All congregants face the pulpit. The minister appears in her black ministry robe, holding a copper bowl and firmly moves the mallet in a circular motion against the bowl’s edge. It is the centering moment when everyone pays attention to the speaker. The hall is completely quiet. “Good morning.” The minister breaks the silence and continues,

“Let’s start with singing.” The piano starts, some congregants open their hymnal books and some know the lyrics. They all start singing along with the choir,

Faith, hope and love abide. And so every soul is blessed and made whole; The truth in our hearts is our guide. We are standing on the side of love, Hands joined together as hearts beat as one. Emboldened by faith we dare to proclaim We are standing on the side of love. Sometimes we build a barrier to keep love tightly bound. Corrupted by fear, unwilling to hear, Denying the beauty we've found. A bright new day is dawning when love will not divide. Reflections of grace in every embrace, Fulfilling the vision divine. We are standing on the side of love. (Rhodes 2004).

Behind the wooden podium, a Unitarian Universalist member welcomes everyone and asks if there are new visitors or someone who is coming back after a long absence and would like to introduce themselves. This is another welcoming ritual where individuals get a chance to connect with the group. There are always newcomers or

Unitarian Universalist members visiting from other states. Many of these visitors come to

42 Florida running from the cold. I later learned they are called “Snowbirds,” although some do not like this name. I participated twice in welcoming, as it was a good way to inform people of my position as a researcher. As individuals stand up and hold a microphone, they mention their name and the reason for their visit, and sometimes end with a joke.

Members usually reply together to that person by saying “welcome,” and the member on the pulpit might also reaffirm with a personal welcome. The congregants then continue with an affirmation of their beliefs, reciting what they call the Unitarian Universalist

Covenant:

Love is the doctrine of this faith The quest for truth its sacrament And service is its prayer To dwell together in peace To seek the truth in love To the end that shall grow in harmony Thus do we covenant with one another

The service continues with more singing from the hymnal and sometimes the lyrics are presented by a projector on the wall. Participants in the church usually follow the rhythm and tunes. In my participation, I tried to sing most songs and sometimes I would watch the congregants singing as some appeared to be moved by the lyrics and music. Singing hymns in Unitarian Universalist Fellowship does not seem to evoke a lot of emotions or a trance experience such as observed within evangelical services.

However, some participants show some kind of interaction through connecting to people beside them if they were family or friends. You might see a couple holding hands, a mother dancing with her child, or sometimes tears. Singing is usually guided by the

Chalice Choir, and is led by a music committee that gets a small stipend for working. It includes two or three professionals and the music director, who are only there for the

43 choir. Some members volunteer to sing, rehearsing prior to the service. The choir usually sits in chairs at the left corner of the sanctuary, facing participants. The choir outfits might change between casual and a uniformed outfit with a themed color.

Susan discusses going to the service on a regular basis, even though she does not consider herself a spiritual person and does not like to sing, but she does anyway. “I sing hymns my whole life! I’m not someone into hymns, but I sing them.” When I asked her if she likes the service, she explained, “I’ve been going for several years, I like to hear what the minister has to say, because she’s definitely a studied philosopher and she could explain most things.” Many informants expressed their attachment to what the minister has to say in the sermon, and the minister seems to be an essential reason for their attachment to the Fellowship and to their religious identity. The sermon helps members to understand themselves, their faith and what they stand for.

Microphone

The microphone is the Unitarian Universalist demonstration of freedom of speech. When individuals hold a microphone, they express themselves in public. The microphone connects laypeople with religious leaders as both the minister and other members participate during the service. The minister presents the main sermon, which lasts for about 20 to 30 minutes. Each Sunday the minister talks about a different subject addressing spiritual growth, social justice, Unitarian Universalist identity and message, building community and public occasions and holidays. In addition to the primary minister, you might find an intern minister, who takes sometimes the minister’s role and occasionally preaches alongside her. During my observation, I got to meet Intern Minister

Linda, who spent a year in the Fellowship, performing many sermons. Other members in

44 the Fellowship get a chance to speak during the service on topics, including the religious education director who speaks during one of the sections called “not for children only,” presented before dismissing the children to the religious education. The religious education director might tell a story that has a good lesson for children as well as for adults. She presents her stories in a simple and delightful way that will be conducive to teaching children, and she might also invite them to move to the front seats.

Two additional important rituals in the service when individuals get a chance to hold a microphone and speak up, are during “sharing joys” and “circle of care.” In sharing joys, participants get to say something about good news and express their feelings. Participants will often briefly discuss good news in relation to health, family, activism, and social life. Some might just say “today is my birthday,” and this will be enough for the music to start and for the congregants to sing in honor of that birthday. In circle of care, individuals relate something that bothers them or brought them sorrow.

Participants share their concerns or problems related to health, friends and family, and they might end with sending hopes and wishes, as they take a stone and throw it in a water bowl (Figure 11). These two sharing rituals might appear in other Unitarian

Universalist Fellowships but might take a different form. One of the other observed

Unitarian Universalist Fellowships combines these both rituals together and presents a notebook at the front of the sanctuary for individuals to write their joys and sorrows without sharing their individual experience in public.

45

Figure 11. Microphone besides a table that has a bowl with water and black stones for sharing sorrows. Observed in the sanctuary (Photo by Khawla Tomaleh).

46 Structure

Unitarian Universalists in the Fellowship seem to demand the current service structure, especially the explicit sharing of joys and sorrows. In one of the meetings with new members at the Fellowship, the minister mentioned the different services they had done before, while trying to keep the same structure services on s regular basis. She laughed when explaining how some members would come yelling to her if she changed any of the service elements, requesting the service back. She continues to laugh, saying,

“So many things are people’s favorite! A whole crew has to have the joys, another crew has to have the circle of concerns, another crew has to have the sermon, some would rather not to have a sermon.”

One of the members I interviewed seems to be aware of how members perceive these rituals, when I asked about his opinion on the service.

I think for the most part, most religious communities have some sort of micro ceremonies and ritualistic practices, because it helps to form patterns; because we think in terms of patterns. So, I think it's fairly effective to have these little rituals that you perform every time. You sing a hymn or whatever... and then you have joy and sorrows, these are micro rituals that are meant to enable communication and meant to sustain some sort type of experience; community experience.

The minister usually prepares the service ahead of time, because it supposed to be printed out for attendees, although it happens that she might deliver an arbitrary service for some abrupt events. At one particular service, the minister had to change the whole setting of the service, because four days before, people witnessed the horror of the shooting at Stoneman Douglas High School on February 14, 2018, leaving seventeen people dead and injuring seventeen others. This incident had shaken and saddened people all over the United States and particularly in Florida. The minister had to change the

47 subject of her sermon to talk about this incident. She presented an emotional video that showed hurt students who suffered from the shooting, describing their feelings and calling for an action. The pulpit (Figure 12) was full of candles on a long golden cloth on the pulpit under the flaming chalice and continued to the floor. I could not forget the sound that was coming from Patricia, who was setting next to me crying during the service. She left her seat and headed to the pulpit to light a candle. I went after her and did the same. It was an emotional service, where I witnessed people crying for the first time at a Unitarian Universalist service.

Figure 12. Pulpit observed for special incident in the Fellowship (Photo by Khawla Tomaleh).

48 Borrowed Rituals

While the flaming chalice stems from Christian roots, Unitarian Universalism utilizes many of the rituals and symbols of other religions as part of its pluralistic identity. The next secondary tradition Unitarian Universalist Fellowship acknowledges after Christianity is Judaism, due to a strong tie to

Christianity and additionally, the large Jewish population around the Fellowship. There is also a good presence of Pagan and Eastern rituals and symbols. One of the objects used in service is the

Bell of Tibetan (Figure 13) used for announcing the beginning of the service and calling people to Figure 13. Bell of Tibetan. join. They also use “singing bowl” for meditation Observed in the sanctuary (Photo by Khawla Tomaleh). and centering moments, which take place before

the service sermon begins.

The Fellowship celebrates different holidays and occasions within the service, and sometimes it occurs after Sunday services or on a different day. Some of these celebrations and rituals come from members’ suggestions, and the Fellowship helps in advertising and opens the place for whomever is interested. One of the rituals I participated in was a full-moon prayer, which was held in the Fellowship by one woman who is not Unitarian Universalist. I went before sunset with two other Unitarian

Universalist members. The shaman was already preparing the altar, where she placed a bag of small rocks in the middle of a table and four items that represent nature: a bird feather, a rock, a candle and a shell, all placed in the four directions (Figure 13). Not one

49 of the participants, including myself, knew what they were supposed to do. By 9:20pm, and after we witnessed the moon in its fullest and supreme glowing look, we started the prayer. The shaman explained for us what we should do after fanning our bodies with sage smoke. The prayer was mainly for releasing any obstacle that prevents a person from happiness or peace. I had to name what Figure 14. Full-moon prayer. Observed thing I was most worried about, which at the in the Fellowship (Photo by Khawla Tomaleh). time related to upcoming travels. We participated as two teams, my partner, Elizabeth, named her sorrow and grief over her husband’s death. We both had to imagine the other’s obstacle and pretend as we took it away from the other’s body by touching the body and throwing it out to the moon.

Elizabeth and I started switching roles, quietly moving our hands. “Show me your grief, I will take it far far away,” I said to Elizabeth. She started laughing, and then I could hear her voice getting stronger, and suddenly the ritual began to calm down. I never had any experience with shamanism or pagan rituals before this experience, and I would not say that it was something extraordinary, but I will definitely say that what mattered on that day was the smile on Elizabeth’s face.

Another Pagan tradition I came across during my participant observation with

Unitarian Universalists was the solstice ritual that is performed in special services in summer and winter. The service is meant to appreciate the earth and the sun and to

50 celebrate the day when daylight becomes the longest in summer and shortest in winter.

Solstice is one of the services most Unitarian Universalist members are enthusiastic about. Nancy and her partner, Tyler, told me about their excitement when they knew about the solstice ritual, as Nancy was looking online for groups that practice Pagan rituals until she found this Fellowship. She continues, “So when we found out that they had the solstice thing we were just like, oh heck yeah. [Tyler commenting: so excited!]

Yes! so excited, and that’s what solidified our decision to join here at the Fellowship.

And they also offer a lot of, which appeals to me, is the Native American teachings in the church too, which also if you look at is more of an earth-based religion; seasons, mother earth, father sky. I don't believe that in the pagan gods so much and I don't believe in witchcraft cuz when people say, you know, I'm sort of interested in paganism, and they’re like, ‘Oh, you are a witch,’ It has that awful connotation. And I’m like, no! I’m not a witch, I wish I was a witch [laughing] that will be great.” Tyler agrees with Nancy and describes his experience, “Winter solstice. That takes the cake, that is the icing… It's a gathering of collective souls, for one night, centering in harmony. It’s magical! You need to go.” I participated in the next winter solstice, which was held at night. The setup of the sanctuary was totally different. The room was dark, the chairs were organized in a big circle, and in the middle, there was a pyramid tree made of circles of wood with candles all over its edges. There were Christmas lights and trees all over the sanctuary. The service was multi-generational, and it included readings performed by the minister, other members, teenage daughters of some members and two small children. There were four podiums all set in the four directions around the chairs. The service included reading poems, stories, music, meditation, and lighting candles. I found a seat at the back of the

51 room and could not recognize or see the face of anyone because of the darkness. I was simply trying to focus on how this service feels, waiting for magic to appear.

Ceremonies and Holidays

The Fellowship provides a wide range of ceremonies and celebrations of special occasions. It celebrates marriages and unions– same-gender and other-gendered couples, multi-faith and interfaith weddings. Many informants told me their stories of getting married by the minister. Interfaith marriage was the reason for some members to belong to the Fellowship, although the Fellowship services are not exclusive for members.

The Fellowship offers child dedications and name ceremonies for birth or adoption. Unitarian Universalist parents craft the child dedication ceremony with the help of the congregation's minister and religious educator. The ceremony might include a blessing for the child’s new life, expression of hopes for the child, promise by the congregation to support and nurture the child (https://www.uua.org/beliefs/what-we- do/celebrations/births).

The Fellowship offers memorial services which are usually prepared with the minister. Unitarian Universalist Susan told me about her distinctive perspective on her after-death plan with her husband.

We have our will, we have our advanced directives, we have the end of life, so you get sick and you pass, then you are usually going to have a ceremony or a funeral, we will not do that, we told our children, we will not have a service in this church, we don’t want to be in a funeral home where people looking at us, we both will be cremated and the family could take the ashes… So, you have to be realistic, and I think you get that support and you get the knowledge and the education through our congregation and the programs and through talking to the minister, every Unitarian minister is prepared to sit down and talk to anybody about their end-of-life and what they want.

52 Memorial services and other ceremonies in Unitarian Universalism are usually private for families and close friends. They are meant to provide a community support and an alternative setting for individuals who do not follow other faith traditions.

Ceremonies might vary within different congregations; for instance, a number of congregations offer pets’ blessing, some people bring their pets, others bring their pets’ photographs, others have their pets blessed by naming them

(https://www.uua.org/worship/holidays/animal-blessing). Events and celebrations vary within Unitarian Universalist congregations according to the request of members.

Celebrations are important events that people look forward to. I have participated in different celebrations including Christmas and Hanukkah, Easter and the maypole dance (Figure 15), Thanksgiving, Halloween, and celebrating new members of the

Figure 15. Children and adults dancing the maypole dance. Observed in the Fellowship (Photo by Khawla Tomaleh).

53 Fellowship. The Unitarian Universalist Fellowship creates celebrations even if it is only through a birthday song or celebrating an old member’s anniversary, and of course, snacks and drinks are provided. Some of these events were suggested by members of the

Fellowship. I was sitting with Jennifer in the patio during the coffee hour, and she told me how important the maypole dance was for her, and how she wanted to be in a church that appreciates her thoughtful ideas. She said,

So under the leaves out there in that little patio, there is a hole that has a cap and a tube, and it’s waiting for the first of May, for us to uncap it and put our maypole into the hole and have the ribbons come down from the top of the maypole, and I will bring the drums and the shakers and the music, and the people in this congregation will take the ribbons and dance around the maypole to weave the ribbons down the pole… I learned this pagan ritual in college as a celebration of spring. And they have never done it here and I love it because it’s music and dance and it’s beautiful with the ribbons and the sun, and the flowers, and I said can we do this, and they said sure why not, and we’ve probably done it for 10 years now. People bring strawberries and they bring orange juice and champagne.

By the end of the year, the Unitarian Universalist Fellowship is done with celebrating the main American holidays. Services usually are different during the holidays.

Congregants on Halloween, for example showed up with costumes, many were offered by the congregation (Figure 16), and the minister delivered her sermon wearing a Wonder Woman costumes. Figure 16. Halloween customs offered before service. Observed in the Fellowship (Photo by You might find a bunny walking Khawla Tomaleh).

54 around the sanctuary on Easter. (Figure 17). In Christmas, you will find the sanctuary full of decorations and trees, while the choir sings different traditional songs.

Figure 17. Members celebrating Easter (Photo by Khawla Tomaleh).

Religious Education Program

Children’s programming in Unitarian Universalist Fellowships occurs on Sundays along with the beginning of adult services. Most fellowships have a nursery for babies and toddlers during worship. The Fellowship offers age-specific programs from preschool on up, organized by a minister or a lay director. The Unitarian Universalist

Association (UUA) does not impose any specific programs for its congregations, but it offers curricula and general programming guidance. The Religious Education (RE) program focuses on different topics in open structured classes where children can have fun while learning. The child is expected to learn about the world’s religions, different world’s traditions and cultures, Unitarian Universalism and its main values, nature and

55 environment, different skills such as critical thinking and decision making, and the history of United States and what it means to be a good American.

Since my participant observation focuses on Unitarian Universalist adults, I attempted to understand the experience of Unitarian Universalist parents with Religious

Education and the value it holds in their belief system. I have noticed many families in the Fellowship that attend services only once or twice just to explore the place and examine if it will be good for their children. Some people might not like it and leave, while for others, it might be the beginning of their “journey” with Unitarian

Universalism. Many informants emphasized the importance of RE program as one of the main reasons for their commitment to the Fellowship and its community.

Rebecca explains about her attachment to the place after she had gone to the

Unitarian Universalist Fellowship and felt connected to the place personally, and then had an experience with her family that confirmed her feeling.

And then I know the moment specifically that I attach to the community and decided these are my people in this Fellowship. It was at the camp out of Quiet Waters Park which used to happen every February, and it was through RE. And the first thing I noticed that my child was running free with this herd of children, they were running over here and there… So, she was running around in this park playing with the other children, and there were various different adults from the Fellowship there, but I didn’t have to watch her every second. I was like: Oh my God! They are my people! I fit here! I am getting chilled just talking about it, and so that when I specifically remember attaching to the place.

The children of Unitarian Universalist members are observed along with their parents during holiday celebrations, services, and public events. On Sundays and in the middle of the service, six to nine children leave for Religious Education.

May your mind be open to new learning May your lips bring truth into the world May your heart know love

56 And your hands do the work of justice, As you go your way in peace.

By the time congregants finish these words, the children would follow the lead of

Diane, the director of the RE program. After Diane tries to calm the children down, each child finds a comfy spot, some sit in the floor, others settle in a chair or a couch, sometimes they gather around Diane holding hands and sing.

The first time I observed the Religious Education program, Diane was holding a globe showing the children main features at the map and answering the children’s questions. Diane started with pointing at countries that have war and others that are in peace. One child interrupted, “Oh, I know where there is war, Afghanistan!” Diane replied, “Yes, can you find where Afghanistan is on the map?” Diane continued showing the children places around the Middle East and Africa. While crossing the Sahara Desert, the subject shifted to earth’s equator and to the Northern hemisphere as Diane was pointing at some coldest areas on the map, explaining why no one lives there except few scientists. “If scientists go there, how do they not fall because it’s in the bottom of the earth?” One girl asked. Diane tried to explain gravity and then a series of questions followed. “Do you know what these lands are?” “What is the biggest sea?” “Where is

Peru?” “Is there war here?” Some children asked. Diane tried to answer things she knows, guessing or searching with them to find an answer for some other questions. The children did not only ask questions, but they shared any information they knew about the world or science.

Diane is a mother of a five-years-old boy, who currently works from home as a writer and a teacher and leads trainings in different states once a month. As observed from her teaching, Diane applies different techniques to catch the children’s attention.

57 Before she starts the class, she makes sure everyone knows the group’s names. She might start by telling them an exciting thing that interests them. She tries to listen to children’s opinions in most things and takes them seriously. In one of the classes, she asked the children to choose three songs they want to sing for the Christmas party that the

Fellowship makes. As they were suggesting songs, one child started singing, “We wish you a Merry Christmas,” and the other children started singing after him, while others were dancing at the room. Diane started dancing with them and by the time the children were ready to grab a book or a story from the small library in the room, their parents were done with the service and waiting for them outside. A few weeks after this observation, I saw the children in the Christmas party singing same songs they chose while dancing beside Diane.

Activism

Believing in Action

In one of the Unitarian Universalist introductory brochures, it said: “We seek to act as a moral force in the world, believing that ethical living is the supreme witness of religion” (Flanagan 1999). Unitarian Universalists associate their beliefs with humanity.

This is their doctrine even though they believe they are a non-doctrinal religion. Many

Unitarian Universalist members identify themselves as activists. I listened to many of these activist stories and participated with them in some actions. Mary is a member who I met in a celebration for new members. She has been part of Unitarian Universalism and eventually decided to join the Fellowship. After I asked her about the reasons for joining this, she explained, “I liked the sense of community and the opportunity to engage with social justice action. And because I don’t have to pretend to believe in any type of

58 religious doctrine.” Her answer made me wonder if Unitarian Universalists feel the need to believe in any sort of religious beliefs. Her answer was, “Deeds not creeds!” The elderly woman sitting beside us commented, “That’s good, that’s very good!” “What do you mean by that?” I asked Mary. She answered, “That’s not mine. That’s from our literature. We have it in our order of service. Deeds means doing things, not creeds.

Anybody can espouse, just do!” The elderly woman interrupted, “Unitarians believe in the goodness of the people.” Another woman next to her commented, “It’s people who make the world. You don’t need a God to be good, to do the right thing.” Unitarian

Universalists believe in humanity, a believe that directs them toward activism.

My Activism

Lisa is another member who joined Unitarian Universalism because of activism.

She was looking for a community that shared her values and could do something about.

“I've always been an activist in sort of small ways, but not really like a lot of the people here who have been doing these marches since the Civil Rights movement. I did activism sort of on a personal level in my own environment.” For Lisa and other members, activism is not necessarily connected to public institutions. Lisa describes it as “my activism,” which stems from her feelings towards her family and community. Lisa’s activism included volunteering in programs that helped her children in education and health, working in supporting campaigns in 2016 election, going to women’s marches in

Washington as well marches for human rights.

Personal activism takes different shapes among Unitarian Universalists, as some informants presented their activism through actions in their daily lives that promote love and hope. “Acts of Kindness,” Rebecca described it as when she told me about her

59 activism. I interviewed her with her Unitarian Universalist friend Ashley, who also follows the same approach. Rebecca explained to me that her actions stem from her view of how the world is supposed to be and all what she can do is to act personally towards these beliefs. She explains, “I can’t change the chemical weapons that are used in Syria, but what I can do is to put positivity out that goes as far as it goes with each person that pays it forward. So, I was at the French bakery the other day, and it was a really great day, and I bought a croissant, and I said: okay I would like an almond croissant in a separate bag, and the next person who comes in who’s having a bad morning give it to them. He looked at me like I lost my mind!” She laughs and continues, “And he was like: what do I tell them? and I’m like: you tell them to pay it forward, somebody thought they could use a gift today. Those are the moments! I don’t have any idea if they did it, but I tried!” Ashley was keenly interested in the conversation as she agreed with her friend and added, “It’s that kind of stuff, because you put love out, and then people hopefully feeling inspired to pay it forward and, in that way, we change the world. Like I change the world.”

Fellowship Activism

“We believe in socialism, we believe in social activism, we believe in helping the poor, we believe in those programs, we believe in immigration and that people should be allowed to stay here if they are not criminals, they should be allowed to stay here and raise their families, we pretty much believe in that.” This is how Susan, who has been a feminist activist since the 1960s explained to me thoroughly what activism looks like in

Unitarian Universalism. As a committed Unitarian Universalist and a member in the board committee, Susan speaks on behalf of Unitarian Universalism using “we.” I asked

60 her to explain who she means by that, and her answers was, “When I say ‘we’ I say

UUA, Unitarian Universalist Association, and each congregation can do their own programs, the programs to support come from the UUA. The church where we belonged in New York had 700 congregants. Here we have about 170, big difference! So for example, here at this church, the money we collect on Sundays in the collection plate, half of it stays with the church for operating and the other half the minister picks a cause, a non-profit, and it could be for hunger, it could be for immigration, it could be for a charity... we started work with a foster home, of 40 some boys, teenagers. So, each congregation decides what they’re gonna do, it depends on how much money is available to do that. Some churches are wealthier than others.”

I participated with Susan in one of the rallies in which Unitarian Universalists participate with an organization called “Peace,” which includes more that 17 congregations in Palm Beach county. I went with around 15 of Unitarian Universalists on a bus that took us to one of the four assemblies that Peace makes in order to “do justice,” as Unitarian Universalists say. Alyson, who has a very nice voice and sings with the choir, is one of the Peace members who runs the program in the Fellowship. I suddenly found myself with two other Unitarian Universalist women in the sanctuary, who started telling me about their activism. Alyson was preparing some papers as she walked towards me, her curious gaze made me introduce myself to the group, who were gathering to discuss some issues they wanted to be raised by Peace in their next assemblies. Alyson summed up briefly what this was all about as they try to make activism easier for people who are busy or work to get involved with solving community problem:

We’re not out to save the world, we’re out to identify particular winnable issues in our community, which in the past have surrounded the issues of

61 homelessness, IDs, deportations, wage theft, unjust arrests of children in our community out of school suspension… So, we identify those issues of the grass root level, we research, see what has worked in the past in different areas regarding those issues, we meet with our elected officials and hold them accountable to fixing these problems because we, the voters, very much care about them. We identify injustices, we propose solutions and we hold our elected officials’ feet to the fire and fixing them because we care.

Figure 18. Nehmiah Action Assembly at Palm Beach County Convention Center. Florida (Photo by Khawla Tomaleh).

More than two thousand activists showed up at the assembly I observed (Figure

18). It was the “Nehemiah Action Assembly,” which is considered the most important meeting where people get to meet with elected officials and witness “change in action.” It was one of the interesting experiences that got me to see the interaction between faith communities where they speak the same language. There were members from

Pentecostals, Catholics, Episcopalians, Baptists, and Unitarian Universalists who were distinct by their red T-shirts that say “Free in Faith. Diverse in Thought. United in 62 Caring. Committed to Action.” The assembly started with a prayer recited in English,

Spanish, and a dialect of the Maya language. It also presented emotional videos of different testimonies for immigrants and homeless people and showed their stories, then they proposed some solutions as they waited for the county commissioner who showed his support for the suggested solutions. While in the bus eating our brownies the minister made for participants, some Unitarian Universalists expressed their disappointment about the only commissioner who showed up to the meeting out of seven commissioners.

Political Interests

At the end of October 2018, I found myself casting a ballot for midterm voting for the first time in my life. It happened as I got involved with different political discussions with Unitarian Universalists and other American friends. In one of the services, the minister talked about voting, and they gave us a newsletter from The League of Women

Voters, which discussed in detail the voting process in Florida, and information about the candidates with enough description of their programs and main views. It also presented proposed amendments to the Florida constitution. I had to read from the U.S. constitution and discuss the meaning of some amendments before voting.

Many Unitarian Universalists identify their political interests as Democrats, and few as Republicans. Unitarian Universalists associate their identity to being liberals and distinguish themselves from conservatives, who they think are mostly Republicans.

Rebecca thinks that “They act like they are polar opposites the Republicans and

Democrats these days, but there’s so much crossover.” Susan, another member who thinks that both being a Unitarian Universalist and being a Republic could work together.

63 “There are conservative Republicans that yes would stand for social and environmental justice, helping people, in this country,” says Susan.

Frustration among Unitarian Universalist members is obvious because of the political situation in general. The political tension might appear at the surface but is mostly kept hidden between congregants. Kevin told me about his relationship with his

Republican friend: “We used to get into cat and dog fights about politics. He is a

Republican and I’m bleeding heart liberal. And we would go round and round in circles.

We wouldn’t get screaming at each other, but we would have some pretty serious differences of opinion, and we never really resolved anything other than what we talk about, and the goal was always to talk to the other person and try to get them to come around to my way of thinking. And he was trying to get me to his way of thinking, and we never changed, but we would finish breakfast. We’d stand up, laugh about it, give each other a hug sometimes, or shake hands, and we go off as friends. So, we never let it affect us or take away from our friendship.”

A feeling of tension due to differing political interests could be observed through the subjects addressed in Sunday services as the minister might take few minutes to address some general issues related to racism or violence in the country. I found an article provided by the Fellowship for the public titled, “Why it Matters that a White Woman

Called the Police to Starbucks,” talking about white supremacy and the problem of racism in the United States. Besides this article, I found another paper titled, “A Nation

Built on the Back of Slavery and Racism.” Unitarian Universalist Fellowship is built to embrace different personalities with diverse perspectives in politics, religion, and spirituality. Although the Unitarian Universalist is heterogeneous in character, all

64 individuals share common narratives captured through my interviews with Unitarian

Universalist members.

65 CHAPTER 3: RITE OF PASSAGE

The collectivity of Unitarian Universalist narratives suggests a rite of passage they all share. The rite of passage in this case is a long-term process of alienation from an original childhood religion, followed by searching and then finding Unitarian

Universalism. Rite of passage, as a terminology, explains the liminal stage individuals go through after experiencing alienation after separation from religion. Alienation is the term

I chose to describe the experience individuals have after refusing their original religion.

This experience represents complex feelings of confusion, anxiety, loneliness, and rejection. The rite of passage might begin in childhood and continues until individuals re- experience religion within Unitarian Universalism. The stages individuals go through is clarified through the following thematic elements constructed after encoding and analyzing interviews. Each of these thematic elements is briefly described here and presented in detail later in the chapter.

Childhood and Separation

• Doubting beliefs. The rite of passage begins as individuals begin doubting

and questioning beliefs of the religion they are born into, without

receiving satisfactory answers or explanations.

• Psychological alienation. As individuals continue questioning their

religion, they experience a separation from a belief system that was

shaping their views and concepts of themselves and the world. Individuals

66 begin to separate mentally who they were as believers from who they are

while still practicing religion.

• Questioning practice. Rejecting beliefs is accompanied with rejection of

religious practices, rituals, and community of worship.

• Concealing self. Individuals who practice religion because of family and

cultural pressure express the uncomfortable feeling they experienced as

they concealed their beliefs from family and the religious community.

Individuals view themselves divided in between who they “truly” are and

who they “have to” be.

• Social alienation. As individuals embrace their beliefs and the person

they think they are, they contest religion in public. This rebellious act

exposes individuals to social alienation as they experience rejection from

their social environment, including their family.

• Confrontation. Social alienation advances consequently as individuals go

through a series of confrontations. Confrontation is when individuals

assert what they feel and believe of themselves in front of others. It is

supposed to offer them a sense of authenticity referring to the truth they

have encountered attempting to reduce the gap between who they want to

be and who they were.

• Reactions: The alienation experience causes different reactions toward

church and religion and, sometimes, family. These reactions might vary

between hostile and tolerance; however, individuals might experience a

67 complete separation from religion because of their experience with

alienation.

Adulthood and Identity

• Atheist identity. As individuals separate from their original childhood

religion, the family bond and their identity as believes is shaken. The

dominant religious culture imposes upon them through the label “atheists.”

Individuals often embrace their new label and later take it on as an

identity. Individuals view themselves as atheists since they refused the

concept of God affiliated within their culture.

• Experiencing life. As individuals reach adulthood seeking independence,

they indulge with life, experiencing work and building new relationships.

Being busy in forming one’s own business or working in a full-time job

influences the relationship with religion. Many individuals completely

separate from any involvement with church during this time.

• Nuclear family. Forming one’s own family is part of the individual search

of a good life. Individuals make sure to that their spouses should be closer

to their belief system.

• Transferring new identity. The nuclear family is the social unit that

allows individuals to transfer their new identity to the young, preventing

their children from going through similar experiences with religion.

• Rebuilding relationships. Within a more stable social environment,

individuals are able to reconnect and rebuild relationships with their

68 family and community. Many also rebuild a relationship with church as it

provides a sense of community to their nuclear family.

• Intuition. Individuals feel the need of church again for community

reasons and sometimes because of their spiritual seeking. Spiritual seeking

is common among individuals who become interested in religion and who

view themselves as agnostics.

• Agnosticism. When individuals experience other religions, including the

influence of Eastern philosophy among them, they become much closer to

the idea of God in different names. They still identify themselves as

atheists since they continue to deny the Christian God whom they refused.

On the other hand, embracing agnosticism lead them to open the door to

new interpretations of God and religion. This spirituality encourages

individuals to look for alternatives in religion.

• Church shopping. (Chart 4). Individuals become interested in searching

for religion while others look for a community to engage with their

nuclear family. Many individuals do church shopping for a while within

different communities. Their experience with church shopping might vary

as some might have a negative experience with church. Other individuals

might find a meaningful experience with church but it is insufficient to

continue within. Others might go to church only for their children while

not getting involved with the religion. Eventually, individuals find

Unitarian Universalism and attach to its community and commit to this

religion.

69 Individuals begin searching for meaning and truth leading them to Unitarian

Universalism where they find and form their stories. Unitarian Universalism is a story where the private intervenes with the public, the secular with the sacred, creating a dynamic phenomenon of cultivating the “self” through shifting collective consciousness of the past to imagining and creating the future. It also presents a community practicing a humanistic experience tangled with social life. It brings people hope as Linda explained:

Hope is a relationship with time, and part of this is related to gardening because putting seeds in the ground is an act of hope. Because I can hope that they will sprout and flourish and I can take care of them to the best of my ability, but you know what, seeds kind of happen in their own time and if the soil is not exactly right for them and if the weather isn’t right this year they might sit dormant until next year and sprout next year or something.

Unitarian Universalism gives people hope cultivating dreams of the good, love, peace and all shared ethical principles of world religions, claiming an ideal and ethical worldview. Between forgotten dreams and reality nightmares, Unitarian Universalism shapes its own story that only begins through remembering.

An Ongoing Story

We were sitting on a stone bench outside the Fellowship when Michael announced his upcoming project, “I’m just wrapping up a new book now, it is a memoir, and the title of the book is The Diamond in the Coal Puckett!” His friend, James, surprisingly commented, “Oh my God!” Jason interrupted and whispered something in

Michael’s ear while holding some papers on his hands. Michael handed him his credit card, then explained to me that the paper Jason had was for his annual pledge. Michael supports this Fellowship financially even though he is not totally satisfied with the

Fellowship. He later explained the reasons he does not attend services. “I believe very

70 strongly in the power of storytelling, and there is an absence in storytelling here. I am a storyteller, and I’m searching for that.” After taking a short pause, he continued, “We are an ongoing story, and every one of us is a story.” James excitingly commented, “Yes right! And I think that’s the point, if you think of yourself as a story.” Michael continued,

“Few people in my life in foster homes were the coal puckett, and few people crossed my path that plucked a piece of coal out and polished it and found a diamond. I didn’t find it, they found it. They let me fulfill their ambition.”

I started picturing this sad little boy sitting at the edge of an old dirty single bed playing alone with his torn teddy bear. I began wondering about this metaphor, why coal?

And how it became a diamond? James’s voice interrupted my thoughts, “Think of going from being kind of a thrown-away foster child to heading a giant company of six thousand employees.” My imagination needed more details as I found later Michael’s memoir already published, the first chapter titled “Lonely Childhood” describes his childhood with a similar picture, a lonely boy with no family or home, picking coals from floor piece by piece, “I remember feeling like a piece of coal myself—just a dirty thing.”

The coal in James’s metaphor represents his neglected and invisible self, and the transformation process leading to finding the diamond as he became a strong and successful businessman.

It was not only Michael who was working on his memoir, a couple of elderly

Unitarian Universalists mentioned their intention to write one or gave me names of their published biographies. Stories of other younger members were transformed into short stories told through preaching on Sunday services at the Fellowship (See appendix 2) or posted online through their own blogs or websites. Unitarian Universalists think of

71 themselves as a story that is constantly being fashioned and told. Intern minister Linda is another storyteller who studied theatre for her Bachelor’s degree in New York. One day she found herself alone wandering around a city that does not sleep before ending up in a

Unitarian Universalist congregation, knowing that ministry is her answer or the “plot” of her story.

It seemed like the next step is to take everything that I knew from theater about bringing people together to have a communal experience, ask questions together… of course that translates into a church… it never quite felt authentic what I was trying to do in theatre, and once I started asking like what is ministry? What is this shared ritual like? Then it all worked, and it was all there.

Linda was in her first months of ministry internship when I met her in a cafe outside the Fellowship. Her interview connected different dots between theatre, storytelling, religion, being a Unitarian Universalist storyteller or a minister, all forming a meaningful plot. “How important stories are for you?” I asked Linda. She responded with a smile on her face,

A story is about a change in time, something happened over period of time, and it was this way before, and it was this way after… especially in the Jewish and Christian traditions but in many religions. It's so built on stories, and how something was before and then it became a different way, or we thought this way and then we thought this way after this thing happened, so human beings do that, we organize ourselves around stories and therefore around time.

For Linda, a story presents a process of change from one status to another.

Through remembering her past changes, Linda realized her own transformation through remembering her past that led her to that moment when she was alone and sad with an unpaid job in a theatre, ending in a church, preaching on a pulpit with a group of people called Unitarian Universalists. Through remembering, she could understand her plot that she could tell to organize herself around.

72 Childhood

My first question to informants typically began with questions regarding their current religious affiliation. My intention was to focus on religious beliefs and experience of the present as Unitarian Universalist members. All narratives returned to childhood memories where Unitarian Universalists’ story begins. While their childhood experiences differ, there was certainly a common theme revolving around church, whether it be leaving their mothers to attend Catholic or Baptist Sunday school, services at the

Kingdom Hall for Jehovah’s Witnesses, or attending religious education in a Unitarian

Universalist Fellowship.

The oldest Unitarian Universalist at the fellowship William, who is 92-years-old.

He joined the fellowship ten years ago after he moved from Kentucky. He was holding his old-style flip phone, complaining about the complexity of technology, when I asked him if he did not mind being interviewed. We sat at the forum- meeting room where he usually shares jokes about God during the meetings discussion. While I was adjusting my recorder, William began to remember,

At four years old, my mother took me to church, and I heard the First Baptist minister talking about the angels and the shepherds and the wives, and the birth of Jesus. It was near Christmas so at the end of the service the minister said goodbye to the congregation wearing a Santa Claus hat, so I asked my mother: was Jesus and Santa Claus born the same day? She wasn’t able to give me any answer. So, I became very suspicious about the existence of religion and what it’s all about. I finally asked my father: there is no Santa Clause? He said: no, but don’t tell your little sister. Well, by the time I was seven, I was reading agnostic literature. And, I consider myself a confirmed atheist since I was seven years old.”

William’s childhood story summarizes the main theme of first memories of

Unitarian Universalists; their first shocking moment when they discover the disillusionment of their childhood beliefs. Vivid childhood memories of Unitarian

73 Universalists reveal their early experience of self-consciousness standing against tradition and forming a rebellious thrill later in their lives.

I sat at a chair in front of Donna, a 70-years-old Unitarian Universalist who had been a Unitarian Universalist since she was nine. Everything seemed to be ready for the interview except my first question. “I don’t know from where we should start!” I pointed to Donna. In her calm voice, she began her story as if it was ready to be shared, “Well, we could start when I became a Unitarian. I was seven years old, and I had been going to my mother for over a year and a half, asking her is there a God? And my mother said: you'll have to figure that out for yourself.”

Childhood narrative represents the time when individuals moved towards an inner direction following their personal thoughts without parental orientation. In Donna’s case, her mother who was a non-confirmed atheist, advocated this kind of experience, but such parental approval was not available for many other cases. Individuals who continue doubting and questioning think of their actions as part of their characters.

Donna continued telling me stories about her values and beliefs, fighting racism and standing up for what she thinks is right, connecting all this to her character,

I’ve always stood to stuff like that, my mother said I understood that when I was two and three years old. We were on a streetcar in Frankfort and there was a lady and this woman had more makeup than I ever seen in my life and I looked to my mother and I said: is she trying to be a clown? Of course, this woman looked at me like: oh my God!

Donna finished the story laughing at her straightforward personality. For Donna, picturing a three-year-old girl who cannot hold her tongue, confronting an old woman, mocking her without any fear, this exact personality is the same seventy-year-old activist who speaks up against racist beliefs, fighting for justice. Donna’s story indicates another

74 thematic narration regarding character and personality. Unitarian Universalist collective stories present a theme of early wanderers and doubters. This theme is an individual acknowledgment their intuition as the only justification of their behavior. Individuals applying agency to character refer to childhood doubt or perhaps acts of teenage rebellion.

Unitarian Universalists express disobedience as part of who they are, something within, or as Jason believes, naturally. Jason, a thirty-year-old Christian Unitarian

Universalist and a father of one girl, went through a path of resistance against his

Christian upbringing as a teenager. He mentioned this behavior as a result of his objections against God, religious authority and mind control.

Until suddenly someone is telling you how to live your life, and in a whole vast variety of ways, not just this one little way, and you start saying no, I would rather explore this other line of thought. I’d rather live in a different way, and it's really becomes a matter of control and for a young person to rebel against attempts of control is just very natural, so the ages between 13 and 17, you do it a lot, you question, sometimes rudely just for the sake of questioning.

For Jason, refusing traditional religion was a natural behavior, and choosing a personal path was his beginning to adulthood and independence against control and power.

Objections

All interviewees, other than those born into Unitarian Universalist Fellowship, emphasized early skepticism of upbringing in Christian denominations, including Roman

Catholic, Methodist, Baptist, Southern Baptist, Lutheran, and other Christian denominations. Objections to previously held beliefs concentrated on God and pastoral control. Objections revolved around authority, tolerance, politics, afterlife, violence,

75 confession, and Biblical stories described as nonsense. Even for someone like Donna who was raised by an atheist mother, questioning the Judeo-Christian God was her start point as she recalled her childhood. Donna started going to different churches after her atheist mother handed her a Bible and encouraged her to keep looking and searching.

I went to everything that was available at that time at Louisville that I knew of and I went around to different churches and I asked questions, I said to most of the ministers I've read this, and they said there were only two people, Adam and Eve, and they had two sons. I said if the sons got married where did the wives come from? and the minister said I don't know. I said well, if God created only two people and if they had two sons, either they had to have two daughters to marry their sons which would not be right, or the Bible is a lie. And I said it back to a Catholic priest, I said it to ministers of all religions and so I wound up afterwards saying to my mother none of them are what I like, and I said the Bible is a bunch of stories and some of them are not very nice, and my mother said well, we will see what we could do.

Unitarian Universalist faith experience begins with fighting a powerful and old

God whose character seemed to contradict with their sensation. I asked Kevin about the time when he began doubting.

Pretty much always. I tell the story, I was born in Canada moved toward the states into Buffalo New York when I was eight, and my mother always sent my brother and I to a Sunday school, Lutheran Sunday school, even back in Canada, but somewhere in the 10-12 year old range, I could remember sitting in Sunday school and one week we would be told about this wonderful kind malevolent God, did these wonderful things then you go back the next week and there's this horrible, wrathful, vengeful God.

Kevin continued describing this God who seemed to him as something that has two faces that cannot be tolerated, “I didn’t have that awareness and knowledge at that time and all I knew, I didn’t have the words even! As I look back in my head, I think this guy is schizophrenic! And so, I will say in the 10-11 year- old range I probably decided that this is a bunch of garbage didn’t really believe in it.” The separation Unitarian

Universalists experience begins with this individualistic sense of wonder when they find

76 themselves in between two contradictory ideas of good and evil, one presents their ideal world and the latter is what they refuse. Subjects go through a lonely or private path moving towards their inner feeling or revelation that sends them a message that all of what they have learned and experienced so far is nothing but a lie or a mere delusion.

All individuals who experience, doubt without being satisfied with answers, experience a separation between practice and belief, which brings individuals to a liminal stage where alienation appears as they depict themselves in between two statuses; first being formed by parents with a Christian label, while having doubts that do not correspond with traditional teachings. Subjects view themselves at this phase as one person with two faces, two masks that they have to choose from in order to integrate their beliefs with their reality. Subjects who cannot share their conclusions in public separate this reality from their belief or the “truth” they found through doubting. Individuals keep their objections and negation of God mentally alive without necessarily exposing them in public. They continue “playing the game” as William described, “I played the game by going to church and not telling the minister. I had one minister who obviously didn't care for me very much. His student assistant told me one day: he's going to flunk you if you don't make extraordinary grades. I asked him: why is that? He said: he’s convinced you’re an agnostic.”

Through these kinds of conflicts with religious authorities, objections arise not only in beliefs but also in practice. Susan told me about her objections to Christianity.

“Sometimes it’s about the procedures.” Susan described when she could not tolerate the white dress, she had to wear in the Catholic prayer ritual of rosary beads, “Because we were God’s wives! They didn’t call them God’s wives but that was why.” That was the

77 reason that did not make sense to Susan as she seemed not content with this kind of ritual or “game.” “Why can’t we just pray? Why we have to count on the rosaries? Why do we have all to wear white?” Susan objected in front of everyone in church, not knowing that this kind of utterance put her in further trouble as it was viewed as an out-of-order behavior. Her question was viewed as not only a matter of belief itself, but was questioning the structure of religious practice.

I noticed Tyler in the sanctuary dancing to music beside his partner. He was definitely the youngest adult Unitarian Universalist. Tyler, a 28 years-old Unitarian

Universalist, told similar story of breaking from Catholicism. “Growing up, when I was little, I went to a Catholic church and I never really liked it, but I went because my family was like: this is what you’re doing, this is what we do. And one day I was just like: yeah,

I'm not doing this anymore, it's just I'm not comfortable, it's just isn't for me.” Within this phase of separation individuals described their uncomfortable moments that they had to experience from childhood since they began to feel separated from traditional beliefs.

Eventually, they go through a series of confrontations leading to embrace an atheist identity.

Confrontation

Being a young adult non-believer means subjects are strong enough for independent thought, mature enough to reveal their ideas, to articulate them logically, able to refuse leaving the house while their family members head to Sunday morning service. Rebecca, fifty-five-year-old Unitarian Universalist, introduced her religious background and confrontation experience.

I was in confrontation with my parents about Catholicism, and I would say things to my mom, it was in my 30s, my mom said something during the

78 holidays, and I said to my mom: Mary clearly slept around, there's no such thing! And my mom was a Catholic school teacher and she didn’t even react. It was no fun anymore. Because when I was in my teens, I would say things like that, and she would have a huge react. And I told my parents that I was either agnostic or atheistic when I was probably 15 or 16.

The repetitive confrontation, similar to Rebecca’s experience, indicates the individual desire to distinguish their beliefs from a mainstream belief system, and their agency as proof that they feel in control over their minds by expressing freely their opinions. From her teenage years to her thirties, Rebecca was in confrontation with her family.

Not all non-believers prefer confrontation as they try to keep pretending to live in harmony within their social setting. However, even with pretending to fit in by “acting” or “playing the game” with other believers, subjects eventually find themselves encountering whatever they are hiding from. Susan continued her story as she had to go through confrontation after sharing her doubts explicitly in church.

And one day I was sent home from catechism, so I have a twin brother and we used to argue and fight all the time, because he was very Catholic and still is, so I got sent home and I said to him as I was leaving: I was sent by a nun, don’t tell our mother and father, you will get me in trouble, I will be in a lot of trouble, so he did, he told them and so I had to go to see the priest and they tried to talk to me about it to see if I fit in. Well, I didn’t fit in.

Susan’s twin brother placed her in a confrontation zone where she was accused and had to explain herself in front of her family. When this kind of confrontation happens, individuals are exposed to identity alienation as they find themselves alone in facing the dominant structural setting of a church or a family, which might become the reason behind individual atheist identity. Individual confrontations with family and

79 church appear more distinct while moving from dependent to more independent social status away from their immediate family.

By the time individuals find themselves outside social norms, as a response to this alienation, they feel the need to distinguish themselves from “believers,” forming an atheist identity. Only then do they feel a sense of belonging. Holding an atheist identity is a confronting social act, individuals know by then that their identity is strongly confirmed as much as they explicitly reveal their beliefs in public. Having parental consent advocate their atheist identity in much earlier age. Early atheist identity appears among individuals within atheist or agnostic parents who do not prevent their children to question and look for other directions. William mentioned his story from early 1940s with his atheist father,

“And I think my father gave me a book on astronomy when I was able to read, and I think that book had a significant confirmation of what I already felt.” Forming this identity might be accomplished by family approval for some individuals, while for others, it happens through their adulthood.

Reactions

Previous experience with alienation affects individual opinions and reactions toward religion. Negative opinions about religion appear to be a theme amongst individuals coming from more conservative religious families due to social and cultural oppression. Lisa grew up within a strict religious family of practicing Jehovah’s

Witnesses; religion was essential in her life. At a young age, she declared her independence from the Jehovah’s Witnesses after her father’s death, “My family moved away from Jehovah's Witnesses when I was fairly young maybe when I was like eight, but then they went back, and I just didn't go back. They're back to Jehovah's Witnesses.”

80 Lisa defined herself as an atheist Unitarian Universalist as she explained her view of religion.

I see religion as an institution to gather power and exerted over people. So, to me as I became older and I learned more about different religions and more about history, then it became clear to me that religion as an institution is about concentrating power and exerting that over groups of people so that the leaders could promote their personal agenda.

Reactions toward religion within subject narration moved back and forth between tolerance and hostility, even among those who declared their independence from religion at a young age, or individuals with an atheist background. These feelings relate mainly to their experience with rejection from their early alienation experience. Tyler told me many stories about different religions he practiced, I noticed he did not mention his upbringing in terms of religious experience, and I asked him if he could reflect upon it. He explained to me his childhood doubts, questioning tradition and eventually his experience with alienation when he got older. “They couldn't basically give me an interpretation and they were just like: okay, onto the next thing. They didn't accept me and rejected me and rejection in any form is never a good thing.” Tyler explained that he had to take a break from religion after that experience. Individuals who do not experience early alienation might go through a similar experience when they reach young adulthood as they start forming their own identities and find fitting environment.

With each rebellious story I listened to, I felt a sense of strength within my informants, although sometimes, this feeling turned to a painful moment. By the time he was married and after more than 11 years of questioning religion, Jason was able to confront his family, wife, and closest friends and reveal his “truth.” Unlike Susan who

81 was pushed at an early stage to confrontation, Jason willingly chose to expose himself to this kind of confrontation in his adult years.

I was finally able to say it sometime around when I was 26. Even though by the time I was almost 23 I probably knew it, you see the way I was raised if you say that, then it means you’re going to hell, and going to hell means eternal suffering. Fine, but it also means separation from divinity, that's really what it means. It means you'll never be connected with God, and that's something that I was raised to believe was the worst of all possible outcomes… and so it was a long time when I had a difficult time recognizing that I didn't believe that, and that it was okay for me to have these questions.

Jason knew that confrontation would cause him pain, but for him revealing his

“truth” was necessary. I could sense his pride when he described his “truth” that he deserved. “I think that I earned these questions at deep cost and suffering.” I asked Jason for further explanation of this suffering. His long pause worried me, almost regretting asking as if my question was causing him pain, “You don’t need to answer if you don’t prefer to.” I reminded him. “I don’t mind.” He responded. His voice was already quieter when he continued:

Well, my mother thinks that I'm going to burn in hell in the company of someone she believes is Satan, the most evil all people for all of eternity, and my mother is someone who I love deeply and I want her happiness deeply and yet, I also have a conflict that I want her to know who I am, and love me for who I am. And if I'm honest with her then I'm going to cause her a great deal of pain and so my empathy means that causing her a great deal of pain causes me a great deal of pain. So that's the suffering that I'm talking about.

This suffering and pain described by Jason explain a conscious experience of the self that individuals choose to share with family and closest relationships. Individuals assume they are this person who they found or formed, and this true-self should be seen and acknowledged by others. As individuals feel a need for sharing their “true self,” their behavior concentrates in connection. It is their need to examine their faith and truth,

82 through bringing it up to the surface and saying it clearly in front of others. As they get older, individuals still feel the separation between their beliefs and reality although there is no power to control this separation. This feeling affects their future decisions and social life as they reach adulthood and independency.

Adulthood

In mental alienation, individuals experience a separation between opposite beliefs leading them to confrontation and retreat from the believer’s world by ending their practice of religion. As Individuals go through the confrontation experience, they view themselves as “outsiders” as they might eventually exclude themselves from their community, causing social alienation. Susan continued describing her confrontation with family which was necessary as she got older and had to reveal her novel public announcement, getting married to a non-Catholic:

I was raised a Catholic, a very strict Catholic. I was the first person in my family to marry a non-Catholic on both sides, on the maternal side and fraternal side, yes that was a big shock to my family, he was a Baptist, then if you were not married to a non-Catholic, you could, if the local parish approved the wedding. You could be married in a Catholic church, but you can’t have a mass though! If you’re divorced, you can’t take any sacrament for the rest of your life, you’re excommunicated, that the word I would use.

Individuals who face intolerant behavior from their communities or have an excommunication experience show an attachment to their atheist identity. Those who are more attached to an atheist identity associate it to their past negative experience in relation to power and control. Kevin is one of other Unitarian Universalists who could not tolerate religion as a powerful agency after getting married, leading him to protect his children from facing similar experience.

83 I got married and we had two kids and we never had them Baptized, never took them to the church. My former wife, we both had been made to go to church by our parents, mothers primarily, we stopped going by the time we were in high school. I didn’t miss it, in that regard, I was probably the opposite of a believer, because I didn’t care. It’s not that I didn’t care but I would see anything primarily Catholic, because Buffalo was very Catholic at the time, I almost reacted a little bit with hostility of being wound about Catholicism, because to me that was one step more about mind control: here’s what you got to believe, and you got to do confession.

Individuals with more strict religious families, seemed to face an early stage of social alienation after a long process of confrontations. Psychological effects do not appear among subjects only, but within their families and communities. Feelings of anxiety, fear, discomfort with family and community, create social pressure that enhance further alienation. Susan described her family’s shock when they learned about her intention to marry a non-Catholic. She explained further her experience with alienation:

Eventually, we had to tell them. My family was so religious. I would even go home with the holidays, and still go to the mass, so one day it was Christmas or Easter, and I didn’t go to the communion and my mother said why didn't you go to communion and I said because I'm not practicing Catholic anymore, so she was upset, but I thought I wasn't sure how she was going to handle it.

Susan had to confront her family after she was already attending with her husband a Unitarian Universalist fellowship in Pennsylvania, “We moved away from our parent so we could be able to do it. We did it behind their back, yeah! They didn’t know!

Eventually, we had to tell them.”

Social alienation is not caused only by religious communities, it might appear within the work environment where exposing an identity might influence individuals’ positions in their jobs or even getting terminated. Patricia told me about her job at a

Catholic corporation which seemed not to accept many of her liberal beliefs and practices, and which affected her activism and public expression.

84 I used to do a lot more, I actually went in the 1980s to anti-Nuclear war protest rally in New York City because I didn’t believe in the nuclear war. My current job holds me back a little bit from some things I wanna do, because I’m concerned if I do certain things with my current job and I’m seen on the media, there might be a kick back from them, so that’s part of the reason why I choose not to partake in what I believe in.

Patricia expressed her feelings about her job to be a main attack against her religious beliefs but also against her personally, so I asked her, “Who exactly does stand against you?”

As a nurse educator, you have to be very careful about the choices you make on social media, so you need to be careful in term of how we present ourselves. One perfect example just recently on the news when a lesbian woman decided that she was going to present things in social media, and she worked to the Catholic school, and she actually got fired from her job. Because she married a gay woman and the Catholic religion does not actually approve it. And I work for a Catholic organization, I work for a company that is not actually Catholic at this point, but it was Catholic based, and the corporation took it over, so got to be careful.

Patricia explained that the organization could produce fear as individuals cannot express themselves and what they stand for in public. When individuals go through similar experience, they find themselves under identity threat and separated from their beliefs, going through another experience of social alienation. Through work and family relationships, individuals shape their values and beliefs and understanding of themselves, until they are able to form their own family.

Family

Individuals who experience further alienation from mainstream religious and social environment segregate themselves into groups that share similar values and beliefs.

One of the other directions they move towards is marriage, forming a micro social unit where they could transfer their distinct self or identity. Informants who got married or divorced believed in the importance of sharing their religious status and beliefs with their

85 future spouses. Susan mentioned how she had to move away from her Catholic religion, describing the challenge she went through after getting married to David.

At one time a Jewish and a Catholic couple couldn’t get married, that wasn’t worse than me marrying a Baptist. My father didn’t speak to me for a whole year, we would be in the dinner table and he would be right there, and he wouldn’t speak to me. He didn’t speak to me until we had our daughter, so he has his grandchild.

Seventy-five-year-old Susan looked for seconds like she just had finished eating dinner, gazing sadly at her dad. She paused for a second and continued, “You just never forget something like that.” Although Susan’s father did not practice Catholicism, he seemed to show a non-acceptance reaction to his daughter because of her rebellious behavior. This incident indicates that familial ties are culturally connected with religion; breaking from one means undermining connection with the other. However, family also could be the beginning to create new connections to tradition and culture. Susan who could not forget her father’s previous abandonment viewed having her baby was an opportunity to enhance her relationship with family.

The cultural tie between religion and community leads some individuals to reconnect with other religious communities searching for the best fitted one for their nuclear family. Relationships are the main focus as individuals look for communities that share similar values and belief system. Although individuals build new social relationships through friends and colleagues, some find the need to engage their nuclear family within a religious community for ethical teachings and social involvement. Lisa mentioned the only reason she had to reconnect with church after a long break was her children.

When my kids were young, when I was in my mid-to-late twenties, they got involved in this religious scouting program because the lady across the

86 street who had children the same age as my kids was very involved in the Nazarene church, and she invited my children to join this program that they had, some of them were religious and some of them are non-religious like cooking or roller skating, I don't know what all they did. So, I did start attending that church but only on Wednesday nights because that's when they had the program and they didn't have enough volunteers to run that program, so I ended up volunteering and being one of the assistant leaders for the kids that were doing that program even though I wasn't really part of that church.

Individual narratives present multiple incidents where friends or parents play a role in getting their children into Sunday schools or suggesting alternative churches or programs. Individuals tolerate new religious communities that do not expose their children to any kind of oppression, making sure they do not go through a similar childhood experience of rejection. Within a social setting where family, friends and community appear unseparated from religion, individuals build a relationship with religion as an institution. Individuals who do find a sense of belonging in church communities, may rebuild some of their old connections with familial traditions.

Rebecca’s mother who understood how family works, is claiming a prediction for a determined religious belonging.

My mom says that a lot of times kids that are raised in any church they grow up and then they usually hit college-age and they do their own thing and they're not really interested in going to church on Sunday, but then they start a family of their own and now they want that for their children. That's pretty typical!

Whether agreeing with this prediction or not, Rebecca proved it to be right as she started to remember when I asked her about the reason behind reconnecting with church.

When we were on the way to my mother’s funeral, my husband's mother shattered her hip and required major surgery, she died two weeks later on. And then there was the death of a family friend's mother and we were getting ready to the funeral, and then a few months later I said let’s go to church today, and I said to June who was at the time 4 or 5: we’re going to church today and she went: who died? And I realized that’s for her, church

87 was where you went when somebody died, and I was like: we need to come more often.

Rebecca referred to innate status or inner feeling to justify her decision for going to church. Knowing that such feelings are culturally constructed, and for further examination as to Rebecca’s claim of authenticity, I asked her, “What made you decide to go to church at first place? Before your daughter’s response?” My question seemed confusing to her, she took a moment thinking and replied, “I just thought it was a Sunday morning where we didn't have anything else planned. I felt like going to church, because

I would sometimes feel like going to church and so I would go.” Rebecca’s emphasis on feeling as both cause and effect, (I felt… because… I would feel), indicates a tacit recognition of upbringing’s influence on individual actions towards religion. Church in this context binds an individual with family and culture, as Rebecca seemed to be interested in correcting her daughter’s impression of church, therefore, offering a new generation a better experience of religion.

Church Shopping

Whatever religious experiences informants went through, they all expressed their need to connect to something that meets their feelings and their personal truths.

Informants discussed their search for religions. Some did not last a few minutes in some

Christian churches, while others liked some aspects of a religion or a collection of religions, trying to connect with whatever they could. For these seekers, religion becomes objectively separated from their lives in which they have already formed their belief system. Kevin, a 74-year-old Unitarian Universalist, described belief as a “coat” that he would try on to see how it feels. Kevin found himself alone, poor, and depressed after going through divorce in his forties. His only day out was to join healing group on

88 alcoholic family addiction, which was not religious as he described but spiritual. “Fake it until you make it!” That was his strategy, trying to tolerate the spiritual aspect within that group.

I tried that for three years when I was in Al-Anon. Never worked. After three years I still didn't buy into the called God aspect of things. So, I tried on all those words, all those phrases… I would put it on like a coat. How does this feel? Does it feel warm and fuzzy? does it work for me? does it make sense? Does it make me warm and cuddly? Sometimes I could say yes, this idea, this concept, when I tried it on it felt valid, and there are other things I would try on, it just didn't work.

Kevin’s spiritual experience did not fit his atheist beliefs and most importantly, it brought back an old negative experience towards an authoritative God. Kevin’s response was, “I couldn't force myself to believe it.”

Church shopping is a term that could be explained through the metaphor used by

Kevin, “tying on coats,” as a buyer who wants the best coat that fits their size, age, and expectation for the perfect coat they imagine. When individuals find a place where they can enter a new religious experience, they are able to share their personal “truth” as atheists. Individuals who try to “fake it” recall their double-faced experiences in creating uncomfortable moments where they declare, “It didn’t feel right,” as they eventually leave the church. All individuals who left religion expressed their dissatisfaction either with religious teachings, a particular church, or a minister. Searching for the right religion and community depended essentially on feelings. As individuals start searching for alternatives, intuition becomes their justification other religious experiences.

Spiritual-searching and responding to inner feelings are distinct among the Baby

Boomer generation. When informants from this generation discussed their spiritual seeking toward other teachings, they discussed their engagement with Eastern spiritual

89 teachings and eventually world religions. Most Boomer informants identified their spirituality strongly tied with Buddhism and Paganism. Individuals were introduced to the idea of “spirit,” which is a match for their personal feeling as seekers. Searching for an access to a spiritual realm, they found themselves driven towards mystery, energy, and other metaphysical beliefs explaining the natural world and cosmic.

Unitarian Universalist Jennifer explains her spiritual “journey” and church shopping. When I was sitting during the coffee hour with her talking about joining the

Fellowship, she seemed to be deeply aware of her actions. Jennifer was ready to answer me about why she chose Unitarian Universalism and all other questions related to her religious experience. Jennifer considered her “spiritual path” the reason leading her to join Unitarian Universalism and find a shared identity with her family.

I am married to an atheist whose family is Jewish and so he wasn’t interested in church and really not interested in Christian churches, but he was willing to come occasionally and participate occasionally in this community so that was important, because then we would have a family identity, so I didn’t just want it to be me or me and my child, I wanted it to be something all three of us could assert as a community we belong to. So that was my spiritual path and it led me here.

I tried to find out more about this spiritual path and asked Jennifer for further explanation. She told me about her searching for religions when she was in college in

Philadelphia and found herself walking to a Quaker meeting in Haverford College where she continued attending on Sundays. In between college life and Quaker community commitment, Jennifer could not keep up with the Quakers. However, she described how the Quaker community had a strong influence on her spiritual path.

I had a journey. The first place that I rested was being told what I believed and when I didn’t feel my own connection to anything and the structure was confining, that’s when I left Catholicism, and because Quakerism is so individual, it helped me to refocus from me out, instead of being told,

90 and so the belief that I grew with is the sense of the interconnectedness of all life and it’s not an interconnectedness that has a face or a name, so I don’t believe in a deity, a creator, a manager, but I believe in the life force that inhabits the universe whether people or animals or plants or restored energy… it’s something we all share.

While looking for a suitable church or religious environment, informants emphasized their good impression on liberal religions in general, such as the Quakers and

Unitarian Universalism. Some individuals explained that finding Unitarian Universalism was by chance through searching for other religions, while others emphasized their pre- positive impression on Unitarian Universalism in particular. Finding liberal religious settings for individuals is associated to the Unitarian Universalist religion’s reputation and the liberal history of Unitarian Universalists.

91 CHAPTER 4: UNITARIAN UNIVERSALIST IDENTITIES

Individuals who found Unitarian Universalist Fellowship a fitting religion, expressed their feelings of belonging to a community as their new family. “I think this is my family of choice.” Choice plays a significant role in creating a sense of commitment among the group. Unitarian Universalists describe their open and liberal community claiming that there is no particular obligation for individuals to become a Unitarian

Universalist, you do not have to convert to another religion, you could put yourself under any label, you are still accepted and welcomed among Unitarian Universalists.

Individuals who belong to Unitarian Universalism expressed the match between their beliefs, values, attitudes, with what Unitarian Universalism offers, a community with similar values and beliefs. The only thing required is to “feel” and connect with themselves and others to enhance their experience. Rebecca explained one condition to belong to Unitarian Universalism, “The only thing you can’t believe and be part of the

Unitarian church is that you absolutely know what is right and everyone who doesn’t believe it is wrong.” Inclusiveness and pluralism are common beliefs among Unitarian

Universalists.

I asked Unitarian Universalist Rachael about her reasons for joining Unitarian

Universalism, and her answer summed up main Unitarian Universalist character. Rachael did not find herself connected to her upbringing of Judaism and left since she was fourteen. After her mother died, she felt the need to belong to a church, she tried different religions, but had a negative experience when she tried a Baptist church in NYC. She

92 described her experience, “After five minutes I wanted to pull my hair out and run out of the place, they are punch of hateful people, so negative.” Rachael continued searching as other Unitarian Universalists do. “So, I tried the first level of conservative Judaism like

New Age spiritual, one that incorporates a lot of women, egalitarian.” Rachael ended up in belonging to Unitarian Universalism, “It was in October, and I remember that because it was Halloween and the kids were there in their costumes and there were doing a very ancient Pagan ritual and I thought this is the place for me. I like this little bit of wiccan, little bit of Jesus, I loved it, and I have a lot of wiccan friends who celebrate Samhain.”

Rachael continued, “When my parents knew that I became a Unitarian Universalist, they told me: so, you’re the people who believe in nothing, and I said: no, we’re the people who believe everything, and that’s what I like. We believe in everything, there can’t be one answer to the mystery of the universe and why we’re here and why we die.” The correlation between Unitarian Universalist agnosticism and pluralism is significant in terms of attracting individuals to begin a new religious experience.

I talked to Unitarian Universalist Rebecca about her experience of finding the

Fellowship.

And I heard about Baha’is but there was no Baha’i temple near where I lived in Pittsburgh at the time and I went to a couple different churches with a girlfriend, and she got to Unity church and she said this is good for me, and Unity is Christian-based, I knew I didn't believe in Christ as the son of God, and the Immaculate Conception that did not fit my belief system. And so, she stopped there, and I happened to notice the Unitarian church in the corner of a shady side, and I went to my first ever Unitarian service there, I read the seven principles. They sang a Paul Simon song, and I was like: oh yeah! these are my people. And from that point on I considered myself a Unitarian... It felt like home that first time, when I read the principles, and there was no dogma, and there was no “you have to believe this.” The principles I agreed with all of them. I sat there and I listened to the sermon and I went: this is where I belong spiritually, so that first time I knew I fit there.”

93

Rebecca’s experience with belonging to the Fellowship asserts a spiritual aspect through finding the fitting group, after feeling disconnected and trying different churches for a long time. When she was describing her experience, she got emotionally touched. “I am getting chilled just talking about it.” Rebecca’s religious experience with Unitarian

Universalism represents a community experience as spiritual. This is how many informants expressed the relationship between finding an inclusive community and finding themselves. It is their first experience where they can reveal their liberal identity as well as other shared identities.

Liberal Unitarian Universalists

While joining a celebration for new members at the fellowship, I met multiple new and old members who told me their reasons for joining Unitarian Universalism. All subjects expressed their belief and commitment to freedom of expression, which they found in Unitarian Universalism. Freedom of expression is associated with a “liberal” label Unitarian Universalists associate with. As I was trying to understand the reasons for belonging, talking to one of the new members, Mary interrupted, “I’ve been UU for 27 years and for UU’s except if you’re born with it, that’s a long time.” Mary, who is in her mid-eighties, pointed at the paucity of Unitarian Universalist affiliation among her generation. I asked her, “So what made you become a Unitarian Universalist?” Her robust answer was, “Because we were liberals.” Mary continued describing her strict religious upbringing in a German Lutheran church, as she got married and settled in New

York, she experienced her first visit to a Unitarian church “It was a wonderful church and the preacher was fantastic, so we thought to try this church and he was so wonderful, so we became Unitarians. It was that evolvement from very strict to more liberal kind of

94 thinking.” In her summary of her own “journey,” Mary explained liberalism in relation to freedom of religious expression, a character that will keep distinguishing Unitarian

Universalists even within younger generations. Freedom of religious expression is an

American right since the Declaration of independence; however, this right did not include the right of tolerance. Tolerance and acceptance are what younger Unitarian Universalists emphasize in opposition to the consequences of freedom of expression.

Unitarian Universalists from the Silent Generation expressed their rejection of a particular aspect of Unitarian Universalism. James and his friend Michael attend only the forum meetings and might join coffee hour. When I asked James about the reason he does not attend services, he responded “Couple of reasons, I am not philosophically quite tuned in with the minister, and I have a hearing loss, my hearing is terrible, and the acoustics are not very good for me.” James represents one of the reasons behind a generational gap as the Silent Generation experience partial communication loss. The other reason is related to disagreement with the minister, whose religious views correspond more with the Baby Boomer generation. James and other individuals who expressed their dissatisfaction with the fellowship keep their belonging as members and support the Unitarian Universalist Fellowship financially. The reason for their support is that Unitarian Universalism still offers them a place where they meet in their age group with shared interests.

Susan, who is an older Baby Boomer, explained why these members belong to the

Fellowship, “Many people are lonely, or single, or older, we have some young families, but you have at some point in time to connect with somebody, somewhere, maybe a minister, or a social justice community, maybe it’s the Forum... it gives them a social

95 outlook and network. The one guy they call him “the judge” his name is William, he was a judge from Tennessee or Kentucky, he’s all alone, he has nobody, his neighbors is all elderly and they don’t come out and communicate… so he comes there for a community and filling up belonging, and I notices he never comes to the services, and that’s okay, that’s fine, being in the Forum in Sunday morning is his religion.”

I met William later heading outside the Fellowship as he always does, sitting alone waiting for his friends to finish from service and join him for coffee hour. He explained to me similar reasons for not attending services. William explained he does not feel the need to be surrounded with people. He did not retire until ten years ago, when he moved to Florida and had to live by himself. Eventually, he had to leave his house and join the Fellowship because of his depression as his psychiatric advised him. He does not have many places to interact with other than the church. William explained his reasons for joining, “I joined the Unitarian church after I retired from business, because I was looking for some type of social connection, and I had understood that they were not involved with the Christian religion. And that was something I was looking for being a confirmed atheist since I was seven years old.” Although William is usually quiet during forum discussions, sometimes he would participate and share a joke mostly about the death of God. He tried his best to remember when I asked him what kind of literature influenced his main ideas, “God is not great by Hitchens. I read that much later, William

Archer wrote a book, I read a small book about religion. And I think my father gave me a book on astronomy when I was able to read, and I think that book had a significant confirmation of what I already felt.” William’s memory did not help him remember more specific names. However, the names he mentioned showed connection to his history with

96 an atheist identity starting by childhood through readings of 19th century literature, continued by a New York Times best seller book in 2007. Individuals in their eighties or older like William seem to get involved with Unitarian Universalism because of their

“liberal” identity which has a religious connotation referring to their atheism.

Realist Unitarian Universalists

Some individuals who are influenced by classic modern identity are attached to a positivistic and realistic character. In the middle of discussing “mystery” in one of the

Forum meetings, eighty-five-year old Robert was confirming his belief that science is the basis of civilization fashioned by White race as the only source of all science. This opinion did not seem to surprise the group as by then most of them were familiar with all of their group’s main characters and beliefs. However, Robert’s provocative opinions usually leave similar reaction among the group as they start arguing against his opinion.

This scene might occur each time the group starts discussing a topic. The group divides in between different worldviews and beliefs, even though the discussion might not challenge their old beliefs, it brings tension among individuals whose ideals are examined and viewed by others.

When a Canadian member tried to disprove Robert’s idea by criticizing the

American “obsession” of power, James, on the other hand, expressed his strong belief in

America. He believes that competition is the secret of the glory of the American success in world economy. “The universe is sat up in competition” is how James explained it.

William, who thinks God is dead, commented while giggling, “Who set it up?” Other members started laughing. James continued, “Competition is the basis for the theory of evolution.” Another member commented:

97 I will say that I take a fence, we’re also belong to the white race. First of all, I believe that race is an illusion. I don’t believe there’s any races, I think there’s gradation in color, gradation of different features, but we all are descended from this evolution that occurred in Africa. We are descended from dark skin people. But competition is a double sword, some of us I hear will say we developed such a wonderful state, and this is the greatest system, well, this planet is exploited to a degree that will not have it for much longer. This is the kind of intellect that human beings have, they can’t even get together to constrain themselves to a degree.

This comment illustrates the need to constrain the “sword” of competition in

America, a view that deconstructs the American dream of traditional generations. Even though the forum group later agreed not to discuss politics, avoiding conflict, individuals found themselves tangled with their worldviews that cannot be separated from life or reality. Between dreams and reality, the forum meeting retains its structure, holding a community of Unitarian Universalists who come to discuss “dreams” or “ideals” of intimacy, democracy, religion, rituals, science and all life lessons and beliefs.

Other Unitarian Universalists from other generations expressed the realistic character where individuals consider life and death a part of the physical world. Susan, who describes herself as realist, thinks of life itself is the ultimate goal for living. “You’re born in this life, and your body will decay after you die, that’s it.” Susan views Christian monastic behavior as unrealistic. “When a woman is going through becoming a nun, they wear white long robe, and they have to light fire on the floor face down. And they become a nun and they can teach and go to the hospital, and they’re wonderful people but they give up a life.” Susan’s criticism of giving up life stems also from her observation of

Christians involvement with war,

It wasn’t correct to ask a nun or a priest, you don’t question a religion. So what they do at that group, they pick on young women who might likely go to a combat in Vietnam, so I had a really good friend who they chose, after she graduate from high school then off she went to the combat, I

98 forgot what order she was in, this was in Pittsburgh in Pennsylvania, but we never saw her again, that was it! I though imagine you pretty much give up everything, your family, your friends, because you’re now basically looking for God in the Catholic church.

For Susan, reality is what drove her to choose life, working, making her own family, while still believing in activism. Activism for a Unitarian

Universalist realist fits and copes with reality.

Activist Unitarian Universalists

Unitarian Universalists from different generations regarded activism as part of their identity. However, this was highly confirmed within the Baby Boomer generation.

Seventy-five-year old Susan is a proud feminist who joined Unitarian Universalism in the

1960s because of her fight for human rights. “You will realize that in The Sixties I was a feminist, [laughing], it wasn’t popular, but it was always so deep inside of me,” I asked her if she could explain further this deep feeling when she continued, “I think it was just my personality! Maybe!” Susan then realized that there is another reason behind her activism. “But I think the other factor was after the Vietnam war, many men were addicted on heroin after they came back from Vietnam… so when they came back, they couldn’t find jobs and became homeless, many of the homeless people you see whether in NY, Miami, were Vietnam veterans… and in NY there are many immigrants.” Susan had a vivid memory recalling war’s effects on her identity in her youth. She continued remembering:

In the Sixties, there were many protests, you know the war, birth control, feminism, when women weren’t allowed to get a head, they were either teachers, secretaries, there was just a revolution because the fact that men and women were opposed to the Vietnam war. It was an awful war, fifty thousand women and men died in the war, why? So, basically, you’re opposed to war, but a lot of things came with it and a lot of revolution, and it was really against the authority, the anti-establishment, and the

99 establisher wasn’t doing such a great job, were they? The government or getting jobs or women getting educated or if you were a woman who is educated you could be a teacher or a nurse or a secretary, this is how you could be, you’re never going to end up in the corporal world, unless you start your own company, women didn’t get to do that until the eighties.

Susan clarified that anti-establishment revolution against government was the main reason behind their activism, as this generation had to deal with different social and psychological problems as a result of this war that changed the American worldview. The influence of war on new generations is presented by the Boomer informants as they described their attachment to that era. Susan recalled her young life by remembering her uncles after they came back from World War II.

I can remember, every one of my uncles went into World War II, my grandmother had seven kids, four boys, three girls, so I remember one uncle coming back and he was always different, he became very mean, he became very nasty, and sadly we didn’t know about PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, so you want to help people.

Susan explained further what kind of help in which she participated with other

Unitarian Universalist groups.

One of the other groups we helped in NY was, there’s a man, he was in Vietnam, single handedly, put together a program for the veterans, he got so disgusted when he came back from Vietnam, when he saw all the men on the streets and being ignored, because it wasn’t a popular war. Americans turned on them. They’d spit on them if they wear their uniforms, they call them names, horrible, horrible stuff. So, he put together a program, he made one house for the veterans, you couldn’t be on drugs or alcohol, and he’d help you find a job, find a place to stay, many went back to school, and he still doing this today.

Susan’s story of activism presents the failure of older generation whose power were uncontained, and the new generation who found themselves part of their parents’ dream and have to wake up from it before it destroyed their country. Activism seems to be a reactional act toward social problems and anxiety, while holding into a new vision of

100 the American Dream. Fifty-six-year old Lisa who joined Unitarian Universalism because of activism summarized her American dream.

I'm not an optimistic person but my husband says I am an eternal optimist and that's why I'm always disappointed, because I believe it's something better, I believe people are better, I believe our country is better, and I'm always disappointed when they're not, and so I believe, yeah! I believe we are better than this. And it's very disappointing to me when we're not. So, I'm not anti-American, I think that America is on a bad path, and I think that if our leaders continue to move in the path that they’re in, we're going to be a developing nation, we're going to have very few rich people at the top and everybody else is going to be scrambling around trying to just eat every day, and we look at developed nations, and go: why are they like that? Why are there poor people living on the streets? Why are people starving? That's because in those countries the rich decided to take everything and not leave anything for everybody else and that's what's happening in our country. It scares me, I don't know what my country is going to be like for my grandchildren. But I'm not a person who says: okay fine I'll move to a different country, that is the way I want it to be, I believe in fighting for the one I am in, because I do believe in America.

Lisa represents many “believers” who still hold onto the goodness of humanity, feeling disappointed by reality. Though some might still claim they are not believers of

God, they are definitely believers of humanity.

Atheist Unitarian Universalists

Atheism is a distinct identity shared among Unitarian Universalists. Rebecca explained the main reason for belonging to Unitarian Universalism as she found a community with a similar belief system. Rebecca told me how she had to explain

Unitarian Universalism to her future husband, “Ronald thought he was Catholic when we were getting married fifteen years ago… and I had to explain to him that he wasn’t

Catholic, that he was a Unitarian. And he was like: what? What are you talking about?”

Rebecca continued, explaining to Ronald how he cannot be a Catholic, exposing him to similar experience she had once.

101 So, he was still going to a Catholic church that says masses in Latin and singing in the choir, and when I first found out that he was Catholic. I was like: you shouldn't even date me. And he was like: what do you mean? And I was like: I am so un-Catholic, I am a Unitarian. And he was like: I don't see why that matters. And I was like: are you Catholic Catholic? And he’s like: what’s the hell that means? And I’m like: do you believe the Pope is absolutely correct, that anybody who’s not Catholic is going to hell? Do you believe this? Do you believe that? and he was like: no, I don’t believe that, and I said: no, you’re not a Catholic. Catholic is not a religion where you can have your own opinion, Catholic is a religion that is autocratic, it comes from God to the Pope to the people, so you either believe it or you’re not part of the Catholic faith. You can’t pick and choose in Catholicism.

Rebecca seemed to have strong faith leading her to define for others what

Unitarian Universalism means based on her atheist identity, alienating another person from his belonging culture, taking him to an environment where they both could meet on the same page before getting married. For her, atheism is part of a belief system and not only a personal opinion. In this view, atheism takes a religious direction where an individual feels responsible to “spread the word,” excluding God from belief system. For

Rebecca, the Catholic church controls what God is and who are his people. Her search for freedom led her to look for God in somewhere else, “Sometimes I’ll go to the ocean in

Sunday morning and I would tell them I’m going to the church of ocean. Because being with nature to me is like being with God.”

Although Rebecca, who described herself as “so un-Catholic,” meant to distinguish herself and her future husband from Catholicism, names and labels seemed less important in this context where God takes a personal definition coming from a personal approach.

I didn’t care to which God you pray to, what religion you believed in, the God that I believed all they cared about in this world is the love you share and the love you behold, and if there’s a heaven, it will be based on how you lived your life, the love you shared, and the loved you beheld. Not

102 what names you use when you pray, not what rituals you observed, my God wouldn’t believe in any of this.

This connection with the idea of God introduces Rebecca to a new identity, “At this point I guess I would label myself as agnostic leaning towards atheistic.” Unitarian

Universalist atheist identity leads many eventually to embrace agnosticism, changing their worldviews and their religious experience. Fifty-five-years old, born into Unitarian

Universalism Patricia, identified herself as agnostic almost denying her atheist identity, “I grew up atheist, I mean not atheist but agnostic, but now I believe that there’s some kind of spirit that holds us all together as one.” Patricia’s description of her beliefs presents a change in attitude towards the idea of “God,” as she corrected her upbringing as agnostic and ended up with her final belief of “God.” Patricia was raised in a household where she was encouraged to think for herself and search for truth. She described why she chose to continue being a Unitarian Universalist, “I stayed in the religion itself because I have the freedom to search for my own truth, about religion, about God, and those kinds of things, so those choices have made a big difference to my life.” I noticed that Patricia’s later explanations of her beliefs seemed to be more defined, “I certainly don’t believe in whatever it is, three gods! It’s definitely one, or some kind of spirit. So, it’s not multiple

Gods, just one that holds us as humans together.” Patricia’s agnosticism did not prevent her from defining God as one, bringing back the original Unitarian idea of one God. God here is an influential essence in Patricia’s life as she thinks that religion is connected to her beliefs and truth, and like Rebecca, it does not need a place or a church to connect with. Patricia explained how “her religion” is represented by personal experience or

“living life,” without a need for an external source.

103 So, I wasn’t going to church [laughing] but I was living my religion every single day because that how I feel about UU, if you don’t live your religion every single day, then you’re not truly… I don’t know… I really have a hard time with people who go to the church and not living and believing in that true belief of what is going on within that church, I really believe that it is very important to, if you’re attending a church, to truly believe in what you’re attending, what you’re doing every day.

While Patricia almost suggested you are not religious if you do not live your religion every day, at the same time she views religion as “living life.” Patricia’s definition of religion sounds almost invisible as she unifies living life with living religion.

To her, religion is a holistic view and cannot be separated from life. I asked how she would describe Unitarian Universalist experience as religion, she responded:

For me, it is religious because I live religion every day, so if I didn’t have that faith base, if I didn’t have those ideas and thoughts of how I supposed to, or not supposed to, how I want to be as a human being then that’s my faith, and that’s why I say I live my religion every day because I made my choices as a result of my faith, just like if you believe in God you make your choices because you believe in God, so since I believe in that there’s something holding us together as one human kind, and you want to call it God you can, or spirit.

When Patricia mentioned God, spirit, and defined beliefs, her idea of religion seemed clearer: there were a set of beliefs including spirituality behind living her life.

Patricia continued explaining what she means by living her religion, “You know the seven principles in UU. And I can’t tell them all… the biggest ones I believe in the most is: the inherent worth and dignity of every human being, we are all one humankind that’s truly what I believe and because of that principle and talking with me about that for years and years and years that I really truly believe that we’re one humankind.” When Patricia started connecting religion to her religious actions through a set of principles, her idea about religion seemed more defined by a humanistic approach where God is viewed as what holds and connects the Universe together.

104 Agnostic Unitarian Universalists

Individuals who search for spiritual identity find themselves rethinking their past as they become more attached to a metaphysical understanding of themselves and the world. New religious experiences within accepting and welcoming environments opens the door for a deeper level of spiritual experience, leading some to reconsider their relationship with the God they once refuted. Individuals who reconnect with their old beliefs acknowledge God under different names, different coats that will protect their atheist identity or their “truth.” Among informants, God was described as energy, nature, or mystery, anything but the traditional Christian God. As God again enters their world, an tacit identity is shaped under an “agnostic” label. That leads to a rotating direction in between old and new beliefs. Agnosticism becomes an imagined space that allows them to feel free to examine new ideas and gain new beliefs, while still claiming not to know what truth is. Individuals who view themselves as agnostic might begin or close their sentence with “I don’t know” as a confirmation of the mystery behind the answer.

However, the context of discourse might prove their knowledge and meaning shifting without their awareness.

When I asked James, an eighty-nine-year-old Unitarian Universalist, about his religious affiliation, his answer was,

First, I acknowledge being a Unitarian. But if you really ask about my deep religious beliefs, I think we live in an enormously complex universe and we only get a glimpse of it, remember the universe has been going on for thousands of years, and what we have seen of it is not even a blink of an eye… So, I am content not knowing I guess, and so I don't try on push for things that I don’t know, I’m okay with not knowing.

James related defining his religious affiliation to the mystery of the universe leading him to deny his religious identity after acknowledging it. While trying to explain

105 what a spirit means, I asked James if he considers himself spiritual. His response was, “I am not particularly spiritual, I think… In another words I don't…” He took a few seconds pausing and mumbling, then spoke up, “I don’t know… I just don’t know! I'm content not knowing. I think we all have a little spirit within us.” James could not acknowledge his spirit as it seemed unreachable completely. However, he was able to recognize my spirit when he continued pointing at me,

You have a spirit, you have a direction, you do! And it’s extremely valuable, and you will put together a much better life because of it… If you have that inner direction, and you do, you do have that direction, you do very well, makes enormous differences! So, if that’s spirituality, that’s yes, yes that’s valuable and I haven’t had attached to it, but you have a great deal of it, you do!

I might not fully understand why James was pointing at me, stressing my spirituality. It is a language that I was not familiar with, I could only assume that spirituality for him is found through an inner direction which he assumed that I have. For

James, there is relationship between following inner-direction and finding spirituality.

Inner-direction refers to childhood inner experience of “truth” before individuals experienced a series of mental and social alienation. In this context, atheists who were separated from their early beliefs, might hold into agnosticism as an alternative, hoping to reach meaningful explanation of the mystery of life.

Mystical Unitarian Universalists

Younger Unitarian Universalists observed in the Fellowship of the Millennial generation, seem to take a more mystical approach to religion. Jason joined Unitarian

Universalism four and a half years ago, as he decided to take his family to the Fellowship after his mother in law started taking his daughter to a Christian church, the same environment that he had abandoned. For Jason, the only alternative was Unitarian

106 Universalism. “I wanted to raise my daughter in a liberal religious environment, and when I say liberal, I don't mean anything to do with politics, I mean free religious environment, and that means hopefully the community where she is able to explore many different types of religions each with dignity and respect.” Jason hesitated to consider himself a Unitarian Universalist when I asked him about his religious affiliation. For him, it is a combination of childhood upbringing, private spiritual path and searching through world religions, and his final choice of Unitarian Universalist community. Through his long journey of research, Jason explained the process he had to go through in order to connect with his Christian upbringing by reflecting and extrapolating upon some old beliefs after giving them up.

I grew up believing, and because of that spirituality always had the highest importance, it took a little while to wax and wane and push and pull and tug with Christianity and to struggle with it, and to wrestle with it deeply, and to fight against it , and then embrace it and let it go, and embrace it and let it go, and that process was deeply formative and personal for me and very important for me, and I cherish that process very much, that I had to struggle with religion and because of that it's just remained very important for me, which is why, when I was basically living without a religion and then we had a daughter, and as she approached the age of four, my in-laws started taking her to a church that I was not comfortable with, I realized that in a young person's life, in your child's life, if you don't put thoughts there someone else will so that's when I decided to go ahead and create a space, create an experience.

Although Unitarian Universalism was the environment he chose for his daughter, it is a community that matters to Jason personally. “So, do you think that Unitarian

Universalism offers a good community for you and your family?” I asked Jason.

Yeah, the religion in general I'm not sure, but the Fellowship specifically yes. because we walk into that building and we see the same people over and over, and these people they create relationships and these relationships are meaningful, and as you've heard me say, the ability to find meaning is very important to me, so if I believe that meaning is best explored through communication… I try to understand and experience compassion for

107 others so that I can have a deeper meaning and deeper connection and deeper relationship with them, so that I can live my life to the fullest.

Communication is an essential transcendental experience in Unitarian

Universalism related to the main theme of sharing, finding, and growing personal identity or spiritual growth, as Unitarian Universalists explained. Tyler had his own way of explaining things. His reason for attending Unitarian Universalism is “experience” through communication.

The experience is acceptance, the quest for truth, the collective consensus that there is more than what we know out there, and by coming together we can figure out, if not today or tomorrow but down the road, what it's really out there. So, it's like for example let's say there's two people and they both exchange a dollar, they both leave with one dollar but if two people exchange a concept or an idea, they both leave with two ideas or concepts. So, it’s just a way to grow.

Tyler expressed many of his ideas through metaphors. He thinks of Unitarian

Universalism as a good friend and therefore he does not have any problem identifying himself with it. Tyler told me his story with church shopping after leaving Catholicism.

He was introduced to some Islamic rituals, a Non-denominational evangelical group, and he eventually converted to Judaism. All religious experiences Tyler went through represented meaning- seeking where Tyler described his need as a “hunger” that is felt before he moves to another religious practice. Tyler’s narrative presented a theme of intense or peak-experience where his “self” is transcendent. He mentioned one of these experiences when he decided to fast Ramadan with his Muslim friend. “So, I did

Ramadan and I did the full 30 days, which I was like shocked that I can even get past a week. It was really impressive. What was interesting is the year after, I took it a little too far, I’m like: I’m just not going to have any water ever or just eat ever, and that lasted four days.” I joked with him: “Were you trying to end your life or something?” He

108 responded, “No, I was just trying to be strong! So, then I went back to just doing water, then I slowly incorporated food, and I was like: I don’t know what I was thinking, but I tried and that’s all what matters.” For Tyler, what matters is trying, experiencing, feeling challenged, surviving and feeling how much inner strength a human body has. Tyler told me about the first time he felt spiritual.

They were doing bless, doing their prayers speaking their tongues and they were touching people, and I was like: alright, let me go up front to see what this is all about, and I'm standing there and the lady has her hand on me and she's mumbling all sorts of things, and I was like : did I just hear peanut butter? Like I don't know, I was just trying to catch what she’s saying. All the sudden she just touches me and I just felt a jolt of electricity and I literally was on the ground and I was just like what was that? how do I get more of that? like what's going on? so I talked with the lady after the show and she's like: you're spiritually connected, your connection is very strong, you just got to know how to tune in. and I'm like: wow that kind of opened my eyes.

Tyler was feeling spiritual “hunger” after leaving the evangelical church before he found himself joining his Orthodox Jewish rabbi in another experience. Tyler and other younger members emphasized the intense emotional experiences they go through within the Fellowship although evangelical spirituality is not found within Unitarian

Universalism. For Tyler, there is no truth except the experience itself, “Growing up I learned it's not about making the right choice, it’s about making your choice right for you.” Tyler expressed a sense of authenticity he has as Unitarian Universalist. “I can say how I choose to be and how I choose to feel, and to be able to be with a group of people that all choose and feel differently.” Tyler indicates a higher claim of authenticity where he is able to direct his own “feelings” towards what he “wants” which is also directed by his will.

109 Unitarian Universalists in general express the importance of their feelings as they are the base of their decision making and evaluation of experience. However, the younger generation seemed to have a higher level of awareness of their feelings, were less hostile to religion, and made stronger claims of power and control of will. Rebecca described her friend Ashley as, “The most emotionally intelligent person I've ever met in my life.”

Born into Unitarian Universalism, Ashley explained how her religious upbringing helped her to enhance her personal feelings and to think for herself,

You don’t have to line up with what anybody else thinks, you think for yourself. You could figure it out for yourself. What feels right in my heart. What is my truth? What feels true to me? And whatever feels true to you, that’s beautiful, and maybe that will change and evolve over time, maybe it won’t.

Ashley’s explains the individualistic character of believers who follow their inner feelings to find truth. In her perspective, religion does not seem to take a significant role in terms of finding meanings. For Ashley, religion has mostly a social function to connect her with a community who shares similar values and beliefs she already formed by herself. Through individual perspectives on religion, it seems as if their claim of a religious identity takes a private or spiritual approach, without the acknowledgment of the publicity of religion and its engagement with social and political life.

Spiritual not Religious

When I interviewed Tyler outside the Fellowship during the coffee hour, I asked him about his view on the relationship between religion and politics. He responded,

“Politics and religions are two different slices of life.” As his partner, Nancy, joined us,

Tyler continued his idea,

110 On paper! But you do find in modern days that politics can be triggered or back by religion. Should it? Again, on paper different slices of life, but they do find their way together. When you take for example war, war is a lot of politics and religion. Education, education is politics and religion and it just shouldn't be that way and that's just the way things have become. Will it stay that way forever? I don't know, I hope it doesn't, I believe politics and religion should have their own separate plate, but they always find a way to share the plate, which is unfortunate.

Nancy seemed not to agree, I asked her about her opinion. Tyler was excited to hear his partner’s response.

The reason why I left my Lutheran upbringing, which was very strong in my belief in Christianity, it was because of politics. It was because of the church preaching to politics, not so much saying who I should vote for but definitely leaning toward saying: this certain group of politicians is how we believe, and if you don't believe this way then you are not part of us.

Nancy told me a story of when her Christian friends questioned her religious identity as they criticized her intention to vote for Democrat John Kerry. I asked if she views her beliefs and ideas as part of her religion, and she took a moment to think before saying:

Yeah, well… it’s part of my spirituality because I don't call myself religious anymore. I believe my spirituality is love, and acceptance and finding one's own truth, which is why I like the UU, and not being told that what I believe isn't valid, I think. I think that's what a lot of people that when I hear their UU story, they have come here for acceptance, because a lot of people were disenfranchised with their big religion that they came from.

Both Nancy and Tyler related their justification for the supposed separation between religion and politics, instead embracing spirituality. Love and acceptance are main values behind their involvement with Unitarian Universalists. Fifty-five-year-old

Nancy, who left her original religion recently, almost agreed that love is her religion, although she had to modify her expression afterwards describing it as her spirituality. In this context, religion took a negative connotation because of political perspectives. Nancy

111 quoted from the Bible, “From my growing up in the church, Jesus said: love one another as I have loved you. That was his final commandment, that’s all what we have to do, and

I wasn't getting that.” Nancy’s discussion represented how many Unitarian Universalists feel toward religion when they distinguish it from life, and how political involvement is what they actually do under a “spiritual” label while still using Christian teachings as a main source for their spirituality. Many proclaim that those who judge and excommunicate others and do not show love and compassion are not real Christians.

Previous narratives explained themes and variance of Unitarian Universalist identities and the position of these identities within the religious experience. Unitarian

Universalists’ views of religion and spirituality present much broader American cultural and social complexities in relation to modern religions. Unitarian Universalist Fellowship is a modern religion and a byproduct of the American culture through which these narratives were formed.

112 CHAPTER 5: CULTURAL AND PSYCHOLOGICAL INTERPRETATION

Toward De-alienation

Unitarian Universalist Lisa told me about her interesting childhood experience with the Jehovah’s Witnesses, the religion that was the “center” of her universe as she describes. Our conversation provoked some questions about how deeply adulthood religious experience is attached to early experience.

Q: So, when did you start learning about religion? A: When I was very young I learned about religion from the Jehovah's Witnesses because they start very young, their children don't go to a separate Sunday school they sit in the service with all the adults, and the adults go out to proselytize their religion, they literally believe they're saving people's lives and they take their children with them they don't leave them at home, the children are taught that it's your responsibility to help bring people to the truth of the Christian religion, so that you can save them from death, really! And that they can be resurrected and live on a perfect planet after this time of trial and tribulation is over in the world is remade in the image that God intended it to be in the first place. Q: What made you choose to leave the Jehovah’s Witnesses? A: Well, I was eight years old, you don't really get to decide what you're going to do when you’re eight years old, you do what your parents do. Q: Did you feel any connection to it? A: I did, and I continued to be involved in different fits and starts. So, when I was ten years old my grandfather died and they sent me to live with my grandmother, and when they sent me, my aunt in Ohio hooked me up with people in the congregation where I was living, and they came and started doing Bible studies with me. So, I did that for that year, but then I went back with my mother and they weren't doing that and then I didn't do it again, but I guess I never felt like a real loss. I don't know why I didn't feel that way, but it didn't really seem like loss to me to not be involved in the church which is now that you ask that question seems odd to me. I've never really even thought about it to this day because it was the center of my universe, and I absolutely believed everything they told me.

What is striking in Lisa’s story is how she forgot completely about religion since she was eleven years old and only returned back in her mid-fifties. Lisa spent her

113 adulthood after getting divorced working while being a single mother for three years before her second marriage. After she had her third child, she began attending college with her husband, both working and having no time for religion. Religion was something she did not feel the need for until she moved to Florida and had to live by herself due to her new job. When she began attending Unitarian Universalist Fellowship, her values and principles were already formed, all what Lisa wanted was a community that supports her liberal values. Eventually, she became interested in Unitarian Universalism as a religion.

I like the minister. That’s another thing you know. Her style is a good match for me. For some people, it's not a good match and they complain about it, but I love her. She speaks to me, when she gives sermons. I will never forget the sermon that she gave last Easter, it was my first Easter in a Unitarian church, she talked about Christianity versus the religion that Jesus followed. So, I don't know how much you know about Jesus Christ but he preached tolerance and love and acceptance and helping those less fortunate than ourselves and standing up for the weak and the sick and that's all he talked about, he didn't talk about this person is bad or that person is bad or you have to follow these rules or you’re going to in burn in hell, he just talked about caring for other people, caring for the poor, not treating other people different from you like they were strangers.

It was not just Lisa who told me about new interests in listening to the minister’s interpretation of religion. Many individuals have similar feelings about new religious concepts they perceive within Unitarian Universalism. Individuals who come to Unitarian

Universalist congregations are wanderers and doubters who consider their objection to religion common sense and part of their nature. Eventually, they conform into atheism as a new identity, a reaction of their experience with alienation since the label “atheist” was given through a dominant religious culture. Holding onto an atheist identity could be viewed as a way of forming a defense mechanism against experienced alienation. My assumption to explain individuals’ return to religion is that alienation from early attachment to religious beliefs causes a traumatic experience, a shock moment of

114 separation, leading individuals to return later to re-experience religion as a therapeutic solution. Childhood religious beliefs are one of the main reasons why individuals become interested later in religion, after their separation from themselves as believers.

Children develop their sense of self through all kinds of experiences including religious ones in early stages of learning. Religion provides a set of beliefs that meet the personal need for maintaining and perceiving one’s self. According to psychologist Orlo

Strunk, this need is associated with making meaning of life experience, which is a need partially met by experiencing a system of beliefs (1962: 44). Through their early childhood learning experience, children accept ideas from their parents as facts: “these beliefs are usually quite irrational and authoritarian in nature, but, generally, they contribute to the child’s need for adequacy. As the intensity and complexity of life are met, however, old beliefs very often prove inefficient and naive and new beliefs must be formulated and integrated” (Strunk 1962: 45).

Beliefs get challenged while individuals become more mature and go through different experiences as part of a normal thinking process. They then form simple ideas that can change minor perspectives. Thinking about religion or God is definitely more complex and cannot be viewed simply as naïve or immature, since it is tied to experiencing the broader meaning of life, such as good, evil, ethics and basic social relationships. This is why individuals' perception of themselves through a meaningful disposition might come under threat when moving to a non-believing status, without having a sufficient alternative. The problem appears not only when individuals refuse religious beliefs that were essential to their lives, but later when they express opposition of a dominant culture and experience separation from their parents.

115 Changes in beliefs are to be expected, especially when the individual is a growing person. The extension of the self, the involvement in new situations, is demanding and complex. In his constant attempt to create an adequate self, new beliefs must be found, must be organized, must be internalized. To fail to do this, either with clear differentiating or vague differentiating (unconscious), leads to arrested growth and abnormalities. The pathology of religion reveals that religious persons who retain childish beliefs in the face of powerful and highly complex situations often are led into bigotry and other states considered “abnormal” by society (Strunk 1962 48).

When individuals refuse the religious beliefs of a dominant culture, they are pushed toward a non-believing status, labeled as “atheists” as a distinction from

“believers” who are perceived as the “norms.” Despite the argument over whether the

United States is a religious nation, the dominant culture in terms of acknowledgment is associated with traditional public religions. Minor groups like Unitarian Universalism are not well perceived as religion because of this reason. Therefore, part of Unitarian

Universalist identity comes from the labels traditional Christianity imposes upon it.

Atheism is the main label all Unitarian Universalists are attached to due to their skeptic personality.

Atheism as a new identity becomes a shield or cover for individuals who experience social oppression, leading to further alienation from their early perception of themselves as believers. This alienation grows as they plunge into an atheist identity, leading them gradually to forget who they were as believers. In most informants’ narratives, there were hardly any memories of early “believing” experience of the self or how it feels to be connected to God or church. These early memories seemed to be unnecessary or sometimes painful to recall.

The individualistic notion of Unitarian Universalist experience, it is mainly reflecting an American character. Narratives associated individual rebellious attitude

116 against traditional beliefs as part of their character which brings them back to experience religion. When individuals are raised within a system of religious beliefs, it is through this system that they form their sense of themselves and the way they experience the world. According to Clifford Geertz, the presentation of self in everyday life is a “public selfhood” where it seems “less of an individual matter; less a personal project, more a collective, even a political one” (1999: 9). This integration between individual experience and the American culture and shared character suggests a re-evaluation of the Unitarian

Universalist religious identity as a “theist” religion, an attempt of moving toward de- alienation.

Social Alienation

Rupert Wilkinson, in The Pursuit of American Character (1988), observes early

American social scientists and anthropologists who have developed a national tradition, training their interest toward examining the American social character, discussing different literature including Margaret Mead’s And Keep your Powder Dry: An

Anthropologist Looks at America (1942), William Whyte’s The Organization Man

(1956), Charles Reich’s The Greening of America (1979), and other analysts trying to answer the question of who Americans are, and examining their beliefs. These approaches meet the assumption regarding Unitarian Universalists as group of believers who went through personal transformation from conformity to alienation, eventually approaching religion in its modern form. Unitarian Universalist collective narration depicts the transition individuals experienced with breaking from tradition and religion, an attitude that is part of the dynamic growth and transformation of cultures and societies.

117 Challenging the social structure is a dynamic effort attempting to reconstruct a more satisfying culture (Wallace 1956: 267). Groups of individuals who revolt against their culture and tradition challenge and influence the private and public life to various degrees. Rejecting and challenging culture is shown through dissatisfaction with modern society. Sigmund Freud (1930) discussed the discontent with modern cultural demands and the manifestations of civilization, which produced anxiety among members of society

(Freud 1961: 33). Freud examined the psychological problems of modernity in relation to the disappointment of advanced science that was expected to bring humans satisfaction through imposing power over nature.

This newly-won power over space and time, this subjugation of the forces of nature, which is the fulfilment of a longing that goes back thousands of years, has not increased the amount of pleasurable satisfaction which they may expect from life and has not made them feel happier (Freud 1961: 34).

Freud discusses how civilization that is built on competition and power-seeking affects human nature. This idea is very close to the concept of self-alienation presented through Karl Marx’s early works, Economic and Philosophic Manuscripts of 1844

(1932), and The German Ideology (1845). The concept of alienation has different meanings in relation to labor and power due to the influence of capitalism, disrupting well-being and restricting human qualities of compassion, reflection, judgment, and action (Young 1975: 27). Karl Marx defined alienation as the product of labor and production (Marx 1988: 74). Alienation experience was connected to self-consciousness of an “alien being” who lives in fantasy, dreaming of an ideal world, while the real world is dwelled by the “real man” who does control life (Marx and Engels 1975: 159). Marx viewed the “real” world including humans and nature as corrupted because of money.

118 Money degrades all the gods of man and turns them into commodities. Money is the universal self-established value of all things. It has therefore robbed the whole world—both the world of men and nature—of its specific value. Money is the estranged essence of man's work and man's existence, and this alien essence dominates him, and he worships it (Marx and Engels 1975: 172).

Marx distinguishes God as part of human “fantasy” being destroyed by a “real”

God existing among worshippers of money. Max Weber, in The Protestant Ethic and the

Spirit of Capitalism (1930), discussed the relationship between religion, money and the psychological impact of modern capitalism. Weber criticized the social evolutionary perspective of modern capitalism considering “a process of economic survival of the fittest,” forcing individuals to cope with (2005: 20).

The capitalistic economy of the present day is an immense cosmos into which the individual is born, and which presents itself to him, at least as an individual, as an unalterable order of things in which he must live. It forces the individual, in so far as he is involved in the system of market relationships, to conform to capitalistic rules of action. The manufacturer who in the long run acts counter to these norms, will just as inevitably be eliminated from the economic scene as the worker who cannot or will not adapt himself to them will be thrown into the streets without a job (Weber 2005: 19).

Although capitalism shapes individuals’ perception of themselves in a world of competition, it does not mean it destroys individuals’ dreams of an ideal world. While maintaining a perception of themselves and their cultural system, individuals hold onto dreams and hope of change that might not correspond with what reality offers them. This social pressure might lead these dreamers to become social revivalists going through solemn psychological challenges (Wallace 1956: 265). Anthony Wallace in his provocative paper “Revitalization Movements” (1956), observed revitalization movements cross-culturally among different social groups undergoing uniform process of social change (1956: 264).

119 Revitalization movements are evidently not unusual phenomena but are recurrent features in human history. Probably few men have lived who have not been involved in an instance of the revitalization process. They are, furthermore, of profound historical importance. Both Christianity and Mohammedanism, and possibly Buddhism as well, originated in revitalization movements. Most denominational and sectarian groups and orders budded or split off after failure to revitalize a traditional institution. One can ask whether a large proportion of religious phenomena have not originated in personality transformation dreams or visions characteristic of the revitalization process (Wallace 1956: 267).

According to Wallace the psychological problems individuals experience through the revitalization process explains the early stages of established religion. This stage, as

Wallace observes, begins when individuals form their own “mazeway,” a psychological mechanism to reduce stress and keep their ideals of dreamed world, which could be maintained through “nature, society, culture, personality, and body image, as seen by one person alive” (Wallace 1956: 227). The mazeway explains how individuals surround themselves among a religious leader who inspires them to transform their ideals and consciousness into a social movement.

Whether the movement is religious or secular, the reformulation of the mazeway generally seems to depend on a restructuring of elements and subsystems which have already attained currency in the society and may even be in use, and which are known to the person who is to become the prophet or leader. The occasion of their combination in a form which constitutes an internally consistent structure, and of their acceptance by the prophet as a guide to action, is abrupt and dramatic, usually occurring as a moment of insight, a brief period of realization of relationships and opportunities. These moments are often called inspiration or revelation (Wallace 1956: 270).

Individual psychological needs forms early stages of organized religion as a result of social alienation. Leaders who experience inspiration or revelation begin a journey of examining individuals’ faith and reforming their beliefs. Max Weber addressed charisma as the character of “natural leaders” whose ideas and thoughts are internally controlled

120 (1922: 83). When individuals follow and believe in a leader, it might be their first step towards social transformation or revolution (Wallace 1956: 273).

Rebellious Generation

In The Lonely Crowd (1961), David Riesman discusses social character and ties childhood personality to a “mode of conformity,” as individuals experience the world that was built for them. “Such a mode of ensuring conformity is built into the child, and then either encouraged or frustrated in later adult experience” (Reisman 2001:5-6). Reisman examined three types of psychological models of conformity cross-culturally: tradition- directed character represented by societies that follow traditions for conformity, inner- directed character for independent societies that succeed in breaking from tradition, and other-directed character “whose conformity is insured by their tendency to be sensitized to expectations and preferences of others” (Riesman 2001: 8). Riesman ties other- direction to post-war America. He observes the social restriction upon inner-directed youths who perceived themselves as independent from their social environment while facing parental and authoritative oppression (Riesman 2001: 18). The classification of

American other-direction depicts the shift of the range of autonomous character from inner-directed path of loneliness and self-satisfaction (Wilkinson 1988: 19). Riesman discusses the transitional growth among upper middle classes youths in the larger

American cities, mainly in New York, Boston, and Los Angeles, shaping a new middle class (Riesman 2001:19- 20). The emergence of the new middle class is part of the cultural and social reformation that corresponds to capitalism, industrialism, and urbanization. This social change relied on young Baby Boomers, the largest generation–

76 million individuals added to the American population in between 1946 and 1964, a

121 number which would leave a significant impact on social and religious life (Ladermon and Leon 2003: 396).

Many Baby Boomers were devastated by the impact of World War II an

American society, witnessing the death of thousands of people and violent acts.

Accordingly, there was “an elevated consciousness following the war and a questioning of basic human values and their meaning in the face of such atrocities” (Brown 2006:

134). This new generation of metaphysical thinkers established what we know now as

“The New Age,” forming “pragmatic agendas for everything from mystical practice to environmental needs, from pursuit of the divine feminine to international peace, and from promoting true science and holistic health to spiritual and psychological transformation”

(Albanese 2007, 505-6). By the mid 1960s, the Baby Boomer generation entered adult life, starting to define a new era of American individuality and modern-day capitalism, shifting the focus on “the distinctive lives of minorities and the underprivileged– blacks, women, the poor” (Wilkinson 1988: 30). The Boomers had a different attitude toward what their parents passed through. Their main rule was: “Trust no one over thirty” (Butler et al. 2003, 379-380). Selfhood was an essential conception that Ralph Waldo Emerson proposed in the mid-nineteenth century in his famous essay “self-reliance” where he stated, “Trust thyself: every heart vibrates to that iron string. Accept the place the divine providence has found for you, the society of your contemporaries, the connection of events” (1950: 146). By the late 1970s, “the new generation built on their parents’ half- suppressed dreams of the good life. Definitions of that life turned inward, moving beyond material consumption to psychological richness and the freedom to express one’s own identity” (Wilkinson 1988: 35).

122 The impact of the Baby Boomer generation is viewed as revolutionary in values that spread into the American way of life, through revolting against traditional familial style, fighting for human rights against the Vietnam war, seeking equality for women and gay liberation, and environmental awareness (Ladermon and Leon 2003: 395-398). The individual characteristic of this phase, according to Wade Clark Roof, was known for value-seeking and immaterialism, emphasizing essential quality of life, environmental awareness, peace, and standards for well-being (1999: 58). The anti-establishment phase during the 1970s suggested a separation between religion and religiosity as people started to distrust the church but return to their private religious feelings and needs. Robert

Bellah portrays this attitude through the expression of a religious activist, Tim

Eichelberger: “I feel religious in a way. I have no denomination or anything like that”

(1986: 233). However, this religiosity was not totally separated from institutional religion as Baby Boomers seemed to be much more involved with new religious movements.

Roof observes Boomer spiritual seekers in their 40s and 50s and captures a “fluid religious population moving in and out of religious institutions, and many doing so many times at various phases in their lives” (2000: 55). This spiritual quest led to the emergence of “groups that are characterized by their innovative solutions to the spiritual, psychological, and material needs of religious seekers in the contemporary United States

(Roof 1999: 491). This comports with Unitarian Universalist narratives of church shoppers trying to find a suitable community to enhance their spiritual growth.

Modern Spirituality

By the coming of age of the Baby Boomer generation beginning in the 1960s, the

New Age movement emerged as a response to socio-economic crises in the United States

123 (Brown 2006: 132). The movement enhanced “the counterculture motifs of self- development, autonomy and personal authentication of religious truth claims by drawing on the Western esoteric tradition, the human potential movement, and various schools of

Eastern mysticism” (Aupers and Houtman 2010, 70). By 1980s to 1990s, many

Americans were involved in astrology, 42 percent made contact with spirits or ancestral spirit, and around 30 million believed in reincarnation (Butler et al. 2003: 412). The rise of the New Age movement was accompanied by abandoning institutional religion which was viewed as an individualistic shift towards spirituality (Aupers and Houtman 2010:

91). Accordingly, religion was taken a form of “Sheilaism,” as Robert Bellah calls it in

Habits of the Heart (1986), referring to Sheila Larson. Larson was a lay figure who described her religion as searching for internal meaning and finding Jesus by looking at the mirror (Bellah et al. 1986: 335). Bellah views self-spirituality as part of the American cultural conception of selfhood where individualism is prioritized, and the self is privatized (1988: 52). Bellah characterizes this phenomenon as radical individualistic as opposed to fundamentalism or conservative religion (1986: 235).

Wade Clark Roof, in Spiritual Marketplace, discusses modern spiritual culture known for Neo-Paganism, astrology, nature religion, holistic thinking, healing, New Age, or New Spirituality (1999). According to Roof, Americans, because of their faiths and family traditions, “are looking within themselves in hopes of finding a God not bound by older canons of literalism, moralism, and patriarchy, in hopes that their own biographies might yield personal insight about the sacred” (1999: 57). Roof’s explanation of

American faith denotes the significant transformation of the “self” among the Baby

Boomer generation and relocating the sacred “within” each person.

124 New Age understands emotions such as love, pain, pleasure, anger, or happiness as personal reactions to events in the outer world that convey vital spiritual knowledge about one’s inner world– about the sort of person one “really” or “at deepest” is. While traditional theistic types of religion gives meaning to personal experiences through religious doctrines (Ladermon and Leon 2003: 11).

The change in religious and spiritual experiences among Americans took different forms. Perhaps William James’ classic, The Varieties of Religious Experience (1902), is the most effective work at having influenced the psychological aspects of religious experience in American life. The American philosopher and psychologist, William James discussed religious spirituality as a product of collective human feelings, assuming their association with a particular religious expression that cannot be totally distinguished from life experience (2004: 36). According to James, spirituality is a rational religious concept.

Whether dealing with God or natural law, individuals experience the metaphysical world and express its manifestation through their lives (James 2004: 418).

Many psychological and religious studies focus on the transcendental and mystical experience as part of the human nature which “demands that we transcend ourselves and our current perceptions, and this principle indicates the presence of what has been called the divine in the very nature of serious human inquiry” (Armstrong 1993:

385). According to historian Karen Armstrong (1993: 385), this transcendental experience suggests ways of seeking the divine other than the psychological approach; spirituality in this sense translates the self into the world where the sacred is observed, whether Jesus, God, or divinity, they are felt and experienced personally as a psychological truth (Armstrong 1993: 357). Tanya Luhrmann, in When God Talks Back, discusses the psychological aspect of the camaraderie relationship between evangelical

Christians and God as He is often imagined as a close person with whom they have daily

125 conversation (2012: 39). Luhrmann depicts a “modern God” whose intimate character meets the need of individuals’ reality, this God becomes real as individuals attach with it internally (2012: 320).

Modernity influenced, psychologically, the religious and spiritual experience of believers as well as non-believers. The psychological explanation of spirituality is discussed in Religions, Values, and Peak-Experience, by Abraham Maslow (1964).

Maslow defined spirituality according to individual personal experience, developed through private mystical experience, formulating private meanings, myths, symbols, rituals and ceremonies (1964: 16). Peak experience regards spirituality as essential to human growth in general without excluding those who view themselves as atheists or non-believers, as Maslow states that many people who belong to religions could be described as “non-peakers,” who do not reach a private mystical experience. This view of spirituality could clarify why many people currently see themselves as spiritual but not religious or the opposite within the modern world.

Marketplace and Community

Spirituality belonging to New Age and modern religions including Unitarian

Universalism, is deeply connected with the American culture of marketplace. Roof explains the idea of the spiritual marketplace as “captivating with the image of a quest culture shaped by forces of supply and demand, and of a remaking of religious and institutional loyalties” (1999: 10). Supply and demand become a higher value especially within the American competitive market where “religious consumers construct strictly personal packages of meaning, based on individual tastes and preferences” (Aupers and

Houtman 2010, 135). Church occupies a significant role in American social life even

126 among people who do not view themselves as spiritual or religious as many Unitarian

Universalists identify with. There are many factors that helped maintain this significant role of church in American life where a vast marketplace offered individuals varieties of platforms that meet their spiritual and communication needs. Roof suggests that what we know as megachurches or shopping-mall churches, have encouraged people who were detached from religion, through forming a programming that “aimed at exploring religious questions and addressing their spiritual concerns, particularly their agnosticism, curiosity, and openness to exploring truth from many sources (2000: 61). Within this context, we find Unitarian Universalism offering what Roof calls “a church of option.” In this type of church, individuals are not expected to have a particular creed but to be part of the major interest in religion and spiritual seeking (Roof 2000: 62).

Viewing religious organization within the marketplace frame assumes that it cannot succeed unless meeting consumer values responding to their needs and commands. Robert Bellah views the church as a community of worship that connects individuals with their social life, creating a virtue model of patterns for economic and political life (1986: 227). While admitting this functional view of religion, it should not entail “that religious entrepreneurs are insincere about their product. Quite the contrary”

(Warner 1993: 1085). The rise of communal units, such as church or fellowship, could be viewed as an attempt to embody an ideal worldview within a cultural system. According to Karl Marx, “Human community exists only abstractly in the political realm, given that there is no effective community– but rather competition– in the economic realm. An authentic community is denied in favor of a nominal one” (Lima 2017: 90). Competition is part of the religious experience in American churches as part of the cultural value.

127 Modern religions such as Unitarian Universalism concentrate on communication and solidarity among communities. Individuals who try Unitarian Universalism look for a community experience more than spirituality. The community that is found in a church is supposed to enhance empathy among people, creating a sense of commitment to the church and, therefore, to the whole community, “so that being a member means being willing to give time, money, and care to the community it embodies and to its wider purposes” (Bellah 1986: 227). In a research of the Unitarian Universalist collective identity, Katrina Hoop examined one of the Unitarian Universalist churches in the

Midwest cities where she noticed that members mark the church as a spiritual and social community, which adopts personal notions of religious belief (2012). Hoop raises an important question “How does a collection of individuals become a community?” She tries to explain this irony through language and cultural discourse utilized by individuals expressing a sense of identity for their heterogeneous community (2012: 105). Her research concludes that individual fulfillment is what enhances solidarity among the group, creating “a culture of community respect for personal opinion” (2012: 116).

Saving Unitarian Universalist individuality is the key of saving their identity as a group.

The main role of the fellowship is to give its members the freedom to express their opinions and share their personal paths and self-fulfilling needs. This practice of speech

“helps foster a collectively-understood and established culture that provides members with rhetoric to frame conflict” (Hoop 2012: 118). Freedom of expression is a spiritual growth experience corresponding to the individual need of revealing a hidden identity looking for meaningful contact experience.

128 By the twentieth century, Unitarian Universalism was viewed as a liberal religion that is challenging the modern disenchanted world. “Nineteenth-century objectivistic, value-free science has finally proven to be also a poor foundation for the atheists, the agnostics, the rationalists, the humanists, and other non-theists, as well as for the ‘liberal’ religionists, e.g., the Unitarians and the Universalists” (Maslow 1964: 40). Richard

Grigg, a philosopher and a member of the Unitarian Society of New Haven, discusses the philosophy of Unitarian Universalism in his work, To Re-enchant the World: A philosophy of Unitarian Universalism. Grigg believed that Unitarian Universalism was essentially a humanistic resisting approach against secularization and disenchantment.

According to Grigg, Unitarian Universalist magic relies on conducting different forms of spirituality for a single community that is “a particularly powerful site for the re- enchantment of the world, for the rebirth of the sacred” (2004: 13). Unitarian

Universalists believe in humanity, the sacred is viewed “within” and only experienced through communication and acceptance.

Therapeutic Culture

The New Age movement nurtured different therapeutic alternatives to enhance individual health, selfcare, and understanding personality and transcendental meaning

(Aupers and Houtman 2010, 70). The therapeutic culture was strongly developed by spiritual healing of the New Age, “with roots in both Christian science and New Thought traditions, meld together a myriad of healing practices meant to affect both the body and soul” (Brown 2006: 142). Influenced by the New Age, Unitarian Universalism focuses on therapeutic alternatives providing different healing practices. The observed Fellowship offers, for example, acupuncture clinic four days a week, different classes for yoga, Tai

129 Chi and other meditation practices. One of the members told me about her experience with regular acupuncture, “I love it! It’s my time, it’s so my time, and I just flow, there’s something about the needles, and I set there, and she puts a quiet music and it’s just the whole thing, it’s perfect! Those are the things you take out of Eastern medicine, those things you take out of Buddhism. And I could do that through Unitarian Universalism.”

Different members explicitly articulated their different psychological needs for joining

Unitarian Universalism. Some of these needs are captured through the following expressions:

“My feelings needed somewhere to go, and it was amazing.”

“I continued to attend because I need that reminder of what is important to me.”

“People need nurturing, people need to feel wanted, need to feel loved, just as an

emotional connection.”

“I need to be part of something.”

“I needed a community that would have the same values I did.”

“I need a hug. It's just very open and very warm, very inviting.”

One of the main psychological needs emphasized among Unitarian Universalists was to have an environment of acceptance that enhances sympathy and provides validation. I noticed Unitarian Universalists repeatedly using the phrase “It’s okay!” which denotes significance in relation with members’ daily-life struggle. Some of these expressions included struggling with perfection, complications of life, change, picking and choosing in religion, personal truth, being different, anxiety, and agnosticism.

“It's okay if you're not perfect.”

“All of this ‘being human’ is okay.”

130 “It’s okay to be complicated.”

“Sometimes I do change, but that’s okay.”

“It’s okay to make my choices about life.”

“It's okay, that's your way, you're welcome here anytime”

“That’s them, and that's okay if they want to be that way.”

“I’m okay with not knowing.”

Phrases such as “it’s okay” emphasize the importance of validation over different life and personal issues related to human existence. All normal issues people go through resemble expectations and needs from religion. After noticing Tyler multiple times using similar expression in different contexts, I asked him: “how important is it for someone to tell you: it is okay?” He answered, “I think it's very important for someone to tell me it's okay, because sometimes your head, you're just out of your mind, out of your body, and for someone, for an outside entity to come to you and be like: it's okay, like you can just instantly come back, but you don’t need it all the time, just sometimes.” Tyler’s explanation denotes the mind and body dualistic dilemma referring to imagining the self out of the body, referring to a status of self-alienation. Individuals experience themselves objectively unsatisfied, demanding further endorsement of their choices, or whatever they

“are.” Individuals feel the need for another “self” or another “entity” to perceive and witness their personal experience, to accept it and appreciate it as the only way for their personal growth.

When individuals experience Unitarian Universalism there is nothing explicitly conditioned to this experience in terms of “trying on” beliefs, as individual narratives emphasized, “You can be anything you want in Unitarian Universalism.” When an

131 individual decides to try Unitarian Universalism, all what they look for is trying its community. Community connection is associated with shared religious experience within a particular social setting.

Different informants mentioned their constant traveling for jobs where they feel the need to connect to a community or a church. Many informants in the Fellowship moved to Florida for retirement. Other visitors were “snowbirds” as they are called, coming from different states to spend their winter in a warm weather. Members of the

Fellowship show different attitudes towards religion and therefore Unitarian

Universalism according to generational conformity in addition to socio-economic and political variance. Character was explained among Unitarian Universalists through their private childhood stories and later through justifying their reconciled relationship with religion. It is their feeling and self-spirituality that was manifested through “living life” as they recognize their “self” and become ready to share it with others. Different generations might evaluate their experience differently within Unitarian Universalism, although they all seek similar experience of a welcoming and open community.

System of Circles

Within the traditional symbol of the flame chalice, two circles appear referring to

Unitarianism and Universalism. The circles represent a united religion formed by two minor groups that needed identity protection through building their own community.

Circles are not only a symbol of Unitarian Universalist heritage, but do represent how this religion works. Unitarian Universalism works within a system of circles observed through the fellowship setting, narratives, symbols and practices.

132 Circles were discussed multiple times in relation to community and identity protection. In one of the services, the minister preached about congregational safety, calling for solidarity:

This piece of ground is ours to build a larger circle of safety. One resilient enough to stay calm even in the face of grown-up melt down, to offer solace when our souls are sick. But that safety doesn’t come about because it’s Sunday and we’re religious, or because people here are nice or open- minded or warm. True though that all is. It’s not enough. To be a safe place takes intention and will and thought.

Circles symbolizing safety reveals a system among Unitarian Universalist community where different groups (circles) ascribe to shared identity and common interests. Each circle might interact with other circles, but usually individuals attach to a particular group, some might have negative feelings about other groups, schisms might happen because of disagreements or personality conflict. This system of circles enhances the individual need of belonging in order to feel safe, accepted among their chosen community. In the Fellowship, there are multiple circles such as the board committee that is responsible of keeping the congregation running, music committee and volunteers for the Fellowship choir, and other small groups that meet inside and outside the Fellowship.

One of the observed circles was the Forum Meeting group that gathers once a week before Sunday services. Another circle is the religious education program where children learn about world traditions, and they usually hold hands and sing at the beginning of class the circle song:

In this circle no fear, In this circle deep peace In this circle great happiness In this circle safety

133 Although Unitarian Universalists value their own groups, being within a circle might reflect an individual isolation and fear of the “other.” Intern minister Linda preached about the over protection and the limitation of surrounding groups in circles, calling for more openness:

“Croissants not donuts” is the visual representation of being an inclusive community. To be inclusive, the community can’t be a closed circle. There needs to be a space for the new person to enter. So, not a donut but a croissant, an open circle… It’s time to make a space so they might come in. Voices like those of children and youth, transgender people, people who have disabilities, Black people, Asians and Pacific Islanders, Latinos, Indigenous people, Muslims, women. Gay, lesbian and bisexual people, homeless people, poor people, undocumented people, uninsured people. The list goes on. Many of us have at least one of these identities if not more; few of us are actually making space for all of these voices in our circles.

The need for opening circles is a serious concern among Unitarian Universalists who are usually bothered by the fact that their Universal message attracts mostly white

Americans. This concern might explain the new Unitarian Universalist logo that shows a modern flame chalice without two circles. Unitarian Universalism has suffered from multiple schisms among groups throughout its history. An isolation among groups might happen due to the lack of shared characters and interests among the group in addition fear and lack of trust between them,

The only shared element among all circles is the minister, who is able to break into all circles. The minister was a charismatic theme for individual involvement within the Fellowship. The minister played a central role for the whole community where she can communicate and influence different types of personalities and mindsets. It is not necessarily that all members agree or like the minister, but they usually attached to her as a whole group.

134 The minister as the center of group-circles focuses on connecting individuals to charismatic leaders, who are the center of other world religions and cultures. The most observed charismatic person that takes a center focus among Unitarian Universalists is

Jesus, who connects Unitarian Universalists with their sacred values even among those who refuse his divinity. I found there is a personal attachment to Jesus even among the strictest atheists. Confirmed atheist William told me about his opinion on refusing the

Bible, “The bible especially the old testament, has a cruel and evil God, vengeful and selfish God, and even though Jesus is portrayed being soft and gentle fella, he still was on the cross said: “father why have you forsaken me?” Jesus is viewed as being forsaken or unappreciated through religion as Unitarian Universalists try to manifest his significant role as an inspiring figure.

The attachment to Jesus’s charisma is discussed by Max Weber, who presents the idea of prophetic or charismatic leadership from an authoritative perspective without ignoring its heroic purpose and meaningful message. For Weber, “Charismatic domination is the opposite of bureaucratic domination,” even among charismatic political heroes, “In general, charisma rejects all rational economic conduct” (1922: 83)

Furthermore, Anthony Wallace addresses leadership of the Revitalization Movement.

The dreamer according to Wallace “undertakes to preach his revelations to people, in an evangelistic or messianic spirit” (Wallace 1956: 273). Applying this notion to Unitarian

Universalism, charisma appear through communication skill, when a religious leader transforms their “peak-experience.” Abraham Maslow discusses the significant role of modern religion in connecting peak-experience to non-peakers.

Much theology, much viral religion through history and throughout the world, can be considered to be the more or less vain efforts to put into

135 communicable words and formulae, and into symbolic rituals and ceremonies, the original mystical experience of the original prophets. In a word, organized religion can be thought of as an effort to communicate peak-experiences to non-peakers, to teach them, to apply them (Maslow 1964: 24).

Communication is a key to understand the spiritual experience of modern religion among Unitarian Universalists. Modern religions including the New Age movement offer a conscious level of understanding that could be transformed throughout society (Brown

2006: 140). It is through language and communication that a transcendental experience can transform meaning to individuals.

Religion lies in communication, in conversation. Religion understood institutionally looks like a church, sect, or cult; religion looked at individually looks like psychological orientations and the occasional belief. Looked at culturally, religion looks like a conversation a social conversation about transcendent meanings (Aupers and Houtman 2010: 105).

Religious institutions empower spiritual experiences by communication where the prophetic experience is translated into ritualistic and artistic performances that could be shared and examined among groups. Within Unitarian Universalism, the communication experience among the minister and other people reduces the authoritative nature of leadership, in addition to the fact that many Unitarian Universalists, as rationalist doubters, do not believe in an exclusive truth; therefore, the role of the minister is not authoritative in its foundation, but based on comradeship and trust as most members expressed their strong ties with the minister.

Confessional Ethic

Susan became an atheist, confronted her family as she got married, and had to make sure to tell her Catholic mother that she is still an atheist before she died. I asked

Susan why she did not hide this fact from her mother. “I can’t lie to my mother!” She

136 replied. Susan told me that she lied multiple times to her mother, smoking pots, running from school, but it seems that honesty is taking a more meaningful manner when it comes to her personal “truth.” Different kinds of confrontation in front of others could be seen as confession where individuals are attached to their “true” selves for which they fought and suffered. Confession takes different forms among Unitarian Universalists, observed mainly through preaching and revealing individual stories.

Unitarian Universalism offers for individuals a releasing platform where they practice willing confession in a form of sharing personal stories, similar to Ted-Talks speech style (See appendix 2). This form of confession is a modern concept of

“confessional ethic” that brings individuals to express their inner feelings as part of the

American modern therapeutic culture (Aupers and Houtman 2010: 14). In modern confession, individuals have the will to stand in front of others to display their honesty, expecting trust in return. “The persons who constitute themselves by modern confession can only be accepted as authentic by their audience's belief in the truthfulness of their testimony” (Pels 2002: 98). It is part of re-experiencing the religious concept of confession in a different setting, as individuals feel free to expose themselves to the public. Members in Unitarian Universalist Fellowship get a chance to deliver a sermon or participate with the minister in preaching. This opportunity of revealing the self is taken seriously among members as they also get a chance to speak up for multiple occasions during Sunday services.

When Unitarian Universalists hold the microphone, they celebrate their “spirit” or the “self” in public. Public ritual practice unifies the group by celebrating the sacred in which they all believe (Aupers and Houtman 2010: 14). Celebrating the sacred is viewed

137 among Unitarian Universalists as a spiritual need. Different members indicated the need for such celebration within a group: “I look for things that help me celebrate the day, feel the celebration of my spirit.” Another member emphasized the interconnectedness of this experience: “Celebrating my own wholeness but everybody's wholeness.”

The microphone is a sacred modern symbol denoting freedom of expression, for revealing the true self. It is important for individuals to be “seen” or “witnessed,” as

Unitarian Universalist Tyler indicates: “I'd like an intimate, spiritual setting, not so much intimate in the form of a romance, but intimate as more as interpersonal, like that you are actually being seen, you're being witnessed. It's important for people to be seen. When you are not seen, what are you? You’re no one.” Taylor explains why it is important to witness others and be part of their experience. “You know, you got to see the person beneath the skin, you got to learn so much about that person in one hour than you did in the entire time you've been here.” The confessional ethic demonstrates an “authentic self” that could reveal a “desirable self” (Pels, Peter 2002: 92). The “desirable self” implies spiritual growth, an imagination of what an individual wants to become through forming and sharing their own stories.

Unitarian Universalists think of themselves as stories. Many of them are writers and public speakers. Delivering a personal narrative is essential to the religious experience, even through short stories to be given in a sermon. It is a form of confession that presents the writer or the author as the “master of his meaning” as Dennis Foster denotes (Foster 1987: 2). In Confession and Complexity in Narrative, Foster discusses the confession of narrative through literature. Confession is viewed as a means to reveal true self and meaning, through “various articulations of a communication model of language,

138 models of expression, revelation, representation that assume the existence of reality to be communicated to another” (Foster 1987: 2). Many individuals value their Unitarian

Universalist experience as it enhances a sense of authenticity and freedom.

Free Folk

When I first met John in the Forum meeting, he was interested in knowing what I do in my study, talking and joking during the coffee hour. After few months, John began to experience memory loss, and was eventually diagnosed with Alzheimers. I began to notice his health retreats later, he was moved to a nursery home and never came back to the Fellowship. John had a little secret he shared each time he saw me, “This religion is all about freedom!” It is not only John who expressed freedom to be the core of this religion, freedom is what distinguishes Unitarian Universalism from other religions as expressed among informants:

“Because I have the freedom to search for my own truth about religion.”

“It's that freedom of expression that sets us aside.”

“This church isn’t permitted in few significant portions of the world.”

“It allows you to believe as you would.”

The expression “allow” denotes the impression individuals have about traditional religions, assuming a restricted role of church. This impression is not exclusive for individuals who had a negative or oppressed experience with religion, it appears among individuals named into Unitarian Universalism. Many Unitarian Universalists distinguish themselves from other religions as they reveal an impression of uniqueness and authenticity by claiming they are different. Unitarian Universalist Kevin discussed the

139 various personalities within the Fellowship. I asked him how different they are, he responded:

You get different people from different cultures and backgrounds and probably wider economic variations, I don't know if that's true or not! See, here I am trying to say that we’re different and we’re a cross section of a greater community… I don’t know enough about the Jewish religion, and how different are we in our belief sects, and we do not, at least that's my understanding, we do not put ourselves under the Christian label because we don't believe in the Trinity we don't believe in the divinity of Jesus. I think in many UU congregations, there are a lot of atheists more so than you'll find in a Christian church.

Kevin’s answer relates to the ambiguity of Unitarian Universalist identity among its members. All that Unitarian Universalists can do is to define themselves through the distinction from others. Therefore, the Unitarian Universalist discourse suggests an “I-

Thou” relationship. From the beginning of Unitarianism and Universalism, both denominations acted as alternatives or oppositions to a former existing religion. Katrina

Hoop discusses the notion of the cultural discourse of the Unitarian Universalist congregants as she noticed, “Some explicitly express being connected to a ‘community,’ while maintaining unique and personal religious beliefs and needs” (2012: 118). This claim of “uniqueness” is a reactionary result to other traditions and religious practices that is vividly presented within the Unitarian Universalist discourse. After noticing a theological tension among the church members, Hoop indicates, “individuals have had bad experiences in their previous faiths and become expressive in their disdain for mainstream Christianity” (2012: 123). It is not only the stories that show this oppositional status as a reflection of the Unitarian Universalist identity but also it is the preferred way to define Unitarian Universalism by Unitarian Universalist literatures and public expression.

140 In A Chosen Faith: An Introduction to Unitarian Universalism (1998) John

Buehrens and Forrest Church discuss their personal religious experience as ministers describing what it means to be a Unitarian Universalist. One of the distinctive characteristics of Unitarian Universalists, as Forrest Church explains, is the freedom of choosing personal faith. Church describes this freedom as being a motive creating more responsible experience with the “transcending mystery” leading to a powerful spiritual state that influences individual lives (Buehrens and Church 1989: 8-9). John Buehrens views the religious experience for Unitarian Universalists as personal, direct and universal, where the individual embrace life with hope and courage (Buehrens and

Church 1989: 37-38). Therefore, personal freedom signifying autonomy is not separated from commitment and individual freedom of choice. Freedom through this context implies a private and personal feeling related to choices individuals had from early rebellious experiences with religion.

Dorothy Lee in Freedom and Culture discusses the American conception of freedom in relation to individual values. It seems that Americans view freedom in relation to activities and occupied time; free time connotes a sense of passiveness and emptiness without a value in American lives (Lee 1959: 55). Kevin who considered

Unitarian Universalism his “family of choice,” told me about his “over-commitment” with the Fellowship.

I feel like I overcommit, and I'm hence less effective in what I'm giving people what they want or for what they probably hope to produce, and so I don't give myself the time to meditate and get back to my yoga practice, or exercise more because I'm busy here, usually doing bookkeeping or fixing things. So, I always seem to be doing something.

141 Many Americans experience social pressure preventing them from doing what they really want, this is what Unitarian Universalist Patricia confirmed, “In the United

States, they don’t let you breathe, you always gotta be doing something, because if you breathe that’s not right, like imagine sitting in nature for a day or two! What are you doing?” When people spend their lives working as the only way of surviving, it would definitely change their concept of freedom. Freedom in this sense is what individuals lack in reality, referring to the “lack of requirement, to an absence of have to” (Lee 1959: 54).

As freedom becomes a desire of having one’s own time for themselves, to express their free self, Unitarian Universalist Fellowship transformed this dream into a homelike community where individuals could feel “free” within a church setting. Feeling free is how the Unitarian Universalist religious experience “works,” producing a sense of commitment and occupying peoples’ time, taking in consideration the position of Florida as home for many members after retirement. Many members value their time as being occupied with different kind of chores that makes them feel valuable.

142 CHAPTER 6: CONCLUSION

I came to Unitarian Universalism to find a story without knowing why I felt excited about it, spending all of those days and hours with my informants, listening and thinking about their stories. Questioning what Unitarian Universalism is and who

Unitarian Universalists are was growing spontaneously alongside my research. I interviewed members, went out with them, drinking coffee, eating at the same table, sharing parts of our personal lives together. I collected hours of interviews, participated in different kinds of services, and even lived with a Unitarian Universalist family. Yet, the question was not answered: what is this all about? After a year of participant observation, I almost forgot about my research questions, and started to lose, intentionally, my academic sense while being in the Fellowship. I stopped taking notes and began observing closely the Unitarian Universalist experience.

“Now you are an official Unitarian Universalist. You know we make those only for members!” Sarah laughed after handing me my magnet name-tag. Even though having a name tag does not make anyone part of anything, I had to attach myself with something to begin with, similar in fashion to Tamara Lebak’s experiment of “Living under the collar with Unitarian Universalism.” Lebak explains what she did, “I decided to wear the uniform of ministry every day except Sunday for a year to learn about myself, my church, and those with whom I share a city. I wanted to be forced to grapple with what the collar means to them” (Muir 2016: 17). When people feel connected to a place or an idea they like to identify themselves with, they create symbols and attach

143 themselves to labels revealing their identity. Lebak who is a Unitarian Universalist minister ends her article questioning, “What are the uniforms of your culture that you don’t even know you are wearing?” (Muir 2016: 22). This question visualizes culture as a symbol that can be sensed and touched, words can be loudly expressed, or costumes that could be worn and seen through. There must be always a start somewhere, somehow to experience religion. In Islam, for example, one could declare “The Shahada” and become a Muslim. I was curious as to what kind of things I should say or do to make me a

Unitarian Universalist. All Unitarian Universalists whom I met had given me a similar message: that there is no specific creed in which I should believe or any particular obligation I have to do in order to become a Unitarian Universalist.

My attempts in understanding what it means to be a Unitarian Universalist began by communication with others, telling them about myself, listening and understanding fragmented pieces of their personal stories. After spending more than a year of participant observation, I had enough data to get me a real start, collecting more than twenty stories, rearranging them within a timeline to find a reasonable beginning. All stories pointed at childhoods in which subjects had their first experience with alienation and ended with who they are as Unitarian Universalists. Between these two main phases of their lives,

Unitarian Universalists have experienced liminality in between past and future, attempting to understand themselves within their religion.

Self-consciousness of an individual’s own path varies among Unitarian

Universalists depending on the individual’s capacity of remembering and imagining the self. Through a closer look at the variety of Unitarian Universalist identities and characters, I noticed an invisible identity underneath individual views and practice of

144 religion and spirituality. All Unitarian Universalists went through an experience with social oppression and alienation while attempting to incorporate their ideal beliefs into reality. This intense, and sometimes harsh, experience caused them to forget about their dreams, focusing on the demands of their reality. When individuals are introduced to

Unitarian Universalism, they get to reveal parts of their imagined “self” and share it with others. Acceptance is the key to form a new meaningful religious experience. Same with spirituality; many individuals emphasized their new interest in spirituality as they began reforming their metaphysical and mystical thoughts. Many individuals experience spirituality without being aware of its meaning or name, this is why they attend services and other programs in the Fellowship where they get to discuss these topics and know them better. It is not the need for spiritual experience more than identifying themselves within it, by knowing what is it and how they relate to it. Only through acceptance an individual finds a way for their spiritual growth, as they become able to imagine a desired self. Acceptance brings people hope through its major psychological function as a remedy of alienation experience. Spiritual growth is encouraged within the seven

Unitarian Universalist principles: “Acceptance of one another and encouragement to spiritual growth in our congregations.”

Unitarian Universalism does not direct individuals to one direction, but provokes a rotating direction between past and future, through remembering themselves

(connecting with past) and imagining themselves (creating future), through practicing acceptance (interconnectedness). Acceptance is an act of believing the invisible truth or true-self. The invisible identity is not explicitly defined among individuals but acknowledged indexically through communication as individuals develop their own

145 understanding and awareness of their transcendental religious experience. Unitarian

Universalists clearly express their positive feelings about belonging to Unitarian

Universalism, unlike their expression about religion itself. Many still cannot explain what

Unitarian Universalism is, while others do not consider it even a religion. This is why the term “fellowship” matters to some who do not accept being in a “church.” Even though the usage of the word “church” is common among members, it is important for them to attach to a new set of terminology to better accept the religious experience.

Unitarian Universalism utilizes a psychological method in dealing with such negative impressions through bringing individuals to the good part of their believing experience, believing in who they are, and offering a worship place as a chance of reconciliation with religion and to reorganize their belief system. When individuals find themselves in a place that looks similar to a church, called a “fellowship,” it brings a nostalgic experience related to their childhood and original religion. The positive impression helps individuals to feel belonging and open their minds to new interpretations.

Individuals who had strong connections to their childhood-church associate it with their latter religious experience. One of the members told me about his church shopping experience, “I went to a Methodist church, I went to a Catholic church, the

Methodist church was okay, it was a nostalgic experience, the music I remembered from when I went to church as a kid, the readings in the service. It was nostalgically pleasant but still I didn’t buy into the pitch.” Such pleasant nostalgia seemed not an only momentary feeling but emphasizing a psychological need for experiencing a church setting that connects individuals to their abandoned memories with religion, it reminds

146 them of their beliefs through which they experienced themselves in the first place.

Unitarian Universalists re-experience their past which was almost forgotten due to long term alienation, assuming this experience to be a source of a religious trauma. This claim does not suggest an immediate trauma but a gradual one beginning from childhood attachment to religious beliefs continuing by life struggle and meaning-seeking.

Religious Trauma Syndrome, or RTS was introduced by psychologist Winell

Marlene in Leaving the Fold: A Guide for Former Fundamentalists and Others Leaving

Their Religion. In her self-help book, Marlene analyzes the symptoms of her patients who seem to go through similar experience after abandoning their religion. These symptoms included confusion, guilt, emptiness, depression, fear of the future, and sometimes troubles in connecting with other people and life (Marlene 1993: 15). Marlene provides explanatory guidance through her book. She also directs a website “journeyfree.org” for helping people to recover from religious trauma. The website offers individual and group support, coaching, consultations, and different workshops. Another confidential support group that provides similar services is “recoveringfromreligion.org.” Overall, such recognition of religious-abuse effects is still uncommon throughout the fields of psychology and psycho-analysis. There are a lack of religious and social studies addressing the psychological effects of religious abuse as a social phenomenon.

The problem with self-help therapy that presents religion as an abusive institution is that it deals with religion as a separate entity away from individual attachment and engagement with social life. In this case, individuals who suffer from the oppression of religion are expected to find personal salvation, abandoning the whole struggle of religion. Marlene, for example, emphasizes that her book does not involve political issues

147 although she admitted that fundamentalism should be viewed “As a system of thought and a political force” (1993: 3). Individuals who view religion as a personal right might not feel satisfied by just moving away from religion; instead, they believe in their right to fix and reform religion itself, to be part of its power and influence. This is what Unitarian

Universalist heretic history reveals. Unitarian Universalists who suffered religious trauma find their salvation through returning to religion seeking more than self-salvation, sharing experience with community and building a theology corresponded to their ethical system.

Unitarian Universalists might also focus on self-salvation as the essence of their religion, but it is a public experience after all. Avoiding suffering might not always be the answer, as Unitarian Universalism offers individuals a new chance to re-experience religion and repeat a similar experience to what they were attached to, hoping to find better outcomes.

Different psychoanalysis theories address human behavior and character, such as attachment theory addressing the influence of interpersonal relationships, cognitive behavioral therapy dealing with cognitive distortions, and the theory of repetition compulsion of Sigmund Freud. The concept of repetition compulsion describes a universal phenomenon advocating the human instinct of repeating similar events that unconsciously have a significance in affecting individual behavior (Freud 1961: 56).

Human thoughts and actions are repetitive. “Repetition is a normal and inescapable human characteristic. In play and sport, art, poetry, and music, individuals engage in repetition” (Diamond 2012: 500). Within Unitarian Universalism, individuals are back into the game, playing without pretending, they believe in all things they do, they feel authentic in their choices, therefore, the game is not an outsider entity. While they are back into the game, they are not aware of the repetition of their past. The player who re-

148 experience a similar situation “reproduces it not as a memory but as an action; he repeats it, without, of course, knowing that he is repeating it” (Lavin and Holowchak 2018: 48).

In Beyond the Pleasure Principle, Sigmund Freud refers repetition to one of the illusions related to civilizational demands of perfection. Freud gives no other option for other directions except the backward path while looking forward, seeking better future possibilities, with no certainty to achieve final goals.

What appears in a minority of human individuals as an untiring impulsion towards further perfection can easily be understood as a result of the instinctual repression upon which is based all that is most precious in human civilization. The repressed instinct never ceases to strive for complete satisfaction, which would consist in the repetition of a primary experience of satisfaction. No substitutive or reactive formations and no sublimations will suffice to remove the repressed instinct's persisting tension; and it is the difference in amount between the pleasure of satisfaction which is demanded and that which is actually achieved that provides the driving factor which will permit of no halting at any position attained, but, in the poet's words; The backward path that leads to complete satisfaction is a rule obstructed by the resistances which maintain the repressions. So, there is no alternative but to advance in the direction in which growth is still free though with no prospect of bringing the process to a conclusion or of being able to reach the goal (Freud 1961: 36).

This explanation links to David Riesman's other-directed character of the United

States; this is what Unitarian Universalists do as well: they move in between past and future with only hope for better future. However, according to Unitarian Universalist evaluation of their experience, the religion offers them a new chance to define themselves among a community of acceptance, a circle of safety and endorsement. It is a response to a psychological need connected to childhood experience and social life anxiety. Anxiety represents an American social problem in dealing with the American Dream, creating a division between reality and ideal hopes (Best 2018: xix).

149 The American Dream is best understood as a straw figure, designed for the expression of rhetorical ambivalence. The ideal of the American Dream celebrates American culture’s potential strength–openness and opportunity–at the same time that is acknowledges the ways reality falls short of the Dream (Best 2018: 63).

Unitarian Universalism offers a therapeutic environment to deal with such anxiety through its openness and inclusiveness. Witnessing and accepting others opens the door for spiritual growth. Spiritual growth relates to social constraints when individuals do not find an encouraging environment for their personal path. This restraint might trap people into their memories of particular incidents. When individuals repeat past experience, they reveal secret pasts that accumulate in their unconsciousness, “Getting unstuck tends to make it easier to love and work… it even opens up the possibility of spirituality” (Lavin and Holowchak 2018: 128). Claustrophobia or the fear of getting stuck in a place or with a group of people is a psychological problem that sometimes prevents people from attaching to religion. Thirty-one-year old Ashley who was born into Unitarian

Universalism expressed this fear by saying, “I don't go very regularly to the church. I have this thing about feeling trapped. I don't know how I feel about being a member! I get this thing… Like, I don’t wanna…” and she stopped there. This fear might explain that attachment to religion is nothing different than attaching to any sort of relationship and meaningful life experience.

This could lead to the question of the future of Unitarian Universalism. Despite the fact that this religion was heavily relied on the Baby Boomer generation and attracts mostly older generations, the very nature of this religion predicts its survival as long as believers and religion exist in the United States. As one of Unitarian Universalist members told me:

150 People need a place to go on Sunday, and they need this type of a community and, like you said, a lot of the people who are in this Fellowship, they've been estranged, many of them were not born affiliated with Unitarian universalism, they came here after something else, after being estranged from some native religion, something that they were born into, like Judaism or Christianity or something else, and they still need somewhere to go. They still have spiritual questions.

Understanding the nature of this religion and its historical context could explain more than why this particular religion exists, but how religion in general occupies a significant role in American life. I believe this study to be a step for further examinations of modern religious expressions in the United States and cross-culturally. It is important to analyze further the influence of capitalism on religion and what kind of potentials religion offers in dealing with such influence. Many Unitarian Universalists think that there are a lot of Unitarian Universalists out there who do not know that they are. It is true that many people share similar rites of passage, this is why I suggest further psychological and social analysis of individuals who went through similar experiences of abandoning religion and social oppression, without finding an alternative within a religious setting. That does not mean that Unitarian Universalist experience could fit other groups more than it could be a cultural example for modern alternatives to religion.

151 TABLES

Table 1: Sample of semantic encoding

Word Text Signification

Allow UU allows you to believe as you would. This Freedom in UU- church isn’t permitted in few significant comparison.

portions of the world. Assuming a restricted In UU you’re allowed to change. role of church. Celebration I look for things that help me celebrate the Institution spirit day. I feel the celebration of my spirit. Celebrating my own wholeness but like Celebrating whole self everybody's wholeness. Freedom But it's that freedom of expression that sets us Mix of concepts: aside. belief-expression, Because I have the freedom to search for my Choosing religion and

own truth about religion, about God. searching. I believe in Freedom unless it hurts other people. We all give up Freedom every day. Political freedom.

Healing Provide to other people what had been so Others as healers, find healing for me. own healer. Pick up the phone and call a therapist or go see UU Minister as healer.

a psychologist. Personal feelings. Healing yourself within in order to heal the others. It’s okay It’s okay that it is there, and you need to notice Anxiety. that it is there. Imperfection.

152 It's okay if you're not perfect. Being. All of this ‘being human’ is okay. Pick & choose. He never comes to the services, and that’s Personal truth. okay. It’s okay to make my choices about life. It's okay, that's your way, you're welcome here anytime. That’s them, and That's okay if they want to be that way.

Table 2: Collective childhood religious experience

Religion Coding

Catholic Childhood. Childhood, didn’t like it, felt rejected. Childhood, did not fit. Methodist Childhood church.

Baptist Childhood until teenage: very religious- spiritually.

Unitarian Named in UU church. Did not leave religion. Universalist Lutheran Childhood: did not believe, had to go to church because of mother. Childhood until forties. Jehovah's Witnesses Childhood, left it with family.

Episcopalian church Stopped attending- not accepting everyone.

153 Table 3: Objections of religion

Major objections Coding

Ethical failure Sexual scandal.

Science failure Space and time can’t be explained.

Political failure Taking women to war.

Social life Relationships/ Love someone with different religion. Christian beliefs Trinity, Jesus birth, God.

Christian practices Catechism, confession, Rosery.

Intolerance of church Questioning Bible & religion.

Table 4: Church shopping

Religion Context

Catholicism Didn’t last for 10 min, couldn’t deal with rituals.

Unity Church Didn’t like their spirituality- believing in God, praying.

Christian non- Not accepting everyone, underestimating people with denominational disabilities. Methodist Church Nostalgic experience with music.

Islamic traditions/ Limits of the human body. Intense. felt spiritual hunger Ramadan afterward. Evangelical church Intense spirituality.

154 Native American teachings Earth-centered.

Nazarene church Volunteering, assistant leader for children program.

Unitarian Universalism Finding connection with people. Explaining things, counselor, therapist, brings hope. Going to UU church with family. Emotional connection with people.

155 APPENDICES

Appendix A. Sample of micro analysis. Appendix B. Sample of unitarian universalist narrative.

156 APPENDIX A. SAMPLE OF MICRO ANALYSIS

Name: Kevin.

Gender: Male.

Age: 74.

Ethnicity: Caucasian.

Childhood: Born in Canada moved Buffalo New York when he was eight.

Religious upbringing: Lutheran Sunday school– Mother influence.

Religious experience: Lutheran, Catholic, Al-Anon group.

Current religious affiliation: Unitarian Universalism.

Joining UU congregation: 1991. 26 years ago. Same congregation. Florida.

Attending service: weekly.

Participation in activities or events: Bookkeeper, building maintenance, Board of trustees.

Current beliefs: Atheist and agnostic.

Current religious affiliation other than Unitarian Universalism: no.

Childhood: Religion & Character

My mother always sent my brother and I to a Sunday school, Associated to: Lutheran Sunday school. Mother. My former wife we both had been made to go to church by our Lutheran Sunday parents, mothers primarily. school. Shared experience with wife/ brother. No choice.

157 [Doubting] pretty much always… somewhere in the 10-12-year Doubting in early old range. age. At 10-11 years old, I didn’t know enough to understand the Intuition. details of that. I didn’t have that awareness and knowledge at that time and all I knew. I didn’t have the words even… and I find it ludicrous, I mean just of the things that they do and say, it’s always God’s way and this is God’s thing.

I could remember setting in Sunday school...and one week we Objections: would be told about this wonderful kind malevolent God , did God: Contradiction, these wonderful things then you go back the next week and two faces. there's this horrible, wrathful, vengeful God, doing all these dastardly things to people and then the week after…as I look Bible: pick & back in my head I think this guy is schizophrenic… choose. So, they pay more attention to the new Bible where God is a loving, kind, benevolent entity.

Separation

In the 10-11-year-old range I probably decided that this is a Separation from bunch of garbage didn’t really believe in it...my mother still Christian belief- not made my brother and I go to Sunday school. church.

When I graduated from high school that was the end of my Separation from being able to go to Sunday school, I think I went two to three church- not times to regular church services completely.

I got married and we had two kids and we never had them Forming nuclear baptized, never took them to the church. family. Transferring new identity.

I didn’t miss it, in that regard, I was probably the opposite of Separation from a believer, because I didn’t care. religion. Atheist identity.

I have no clue as to what's spirituality is, I was an engineer Job as a distraction and I worked in a career. from spirituality.

158

Reactions

The thing that is always bothered me about Catholicism more Catholicism: hostile- so than the other Protestant religions ...I almost reacted a little due to authoritative bit with hostility of being wound about Catholicism, because to character of religion. me that was one step more about mind control. Here’s what you gotta believe, and you gotta do confession.

And it's too much for my brain to comprehend but it just seems Non-sense. bogus to me, I just don't buy it.

I'm not a great thinker or a wise person or anything but I just Lack of openness. not that arrogant to think that my ideas are the only right way, Agnosticism. but I just don't understand how other people cannot be more open and flexible …

Social Alienation

I had got divorced, it was my wife's idea not mine. And I went to Family some recovery programs… and just after while it was time to get problems. out...

When I first got divorced, I was one step above poverty. Financial problem.

Because she made the comment, she said: I can’t sense your Relationship spirituality, she said she couldn’t connect my spirituality. And I said: (not spiritual). that’s simple enough to understand that I don’t have any… and she chuckled and said you breathe; therefore, you have spirituality, she said I just can’t connect with it. Well, it broke my heart but what you’re gonna do?

So, it comes back to where does one go to meet someone? It was a Need to meet place to at least make an effort not that I was looking for somebody people. with a religious belief that I would have to tolerate… it was a place to begin

159 Church shopping

I went to a Methodist Church first and I went to a Catholic Church Churches: And I'm not Catholic but I didn't really. but there is a group that I Methodist, was going to win a bunch of them were going to this one, Catholic Catholic. Church…. I went to a Methodist church, I went to a Catholic church, the Methodist church was okay.

The Methodist church was okay, it was a nostalgic experience, the Nostalgia. music I remembered from when I went to church as a kid, the readings in the service, it was nostalgically pleasant but still I didn’t buy into that.

Okay I'll go, well, I lasted about 10 or 15 minutes in that service Mismatching and left I couldn't deal with all of the rituals and the stuff. beliefs.

The whole aspect of spirituality,, It came up, this support group I Al-Anon group- was talking about is Al-Anon ,Alcoholics, they call it AA, Al-Anon spirituality. is a support group for family members of an alcoholic,,, my wife wasn’t alcoholic but was raised in an alcoholic home and so that can affect children just as much as being married to an alcoholic… and it was a cheap therapy... in the 12 step programs, they talk about spirituality, they make a statement that they’re not a religious group but they are spiritual group.

In Al-Anon that they say well if you don't believe in in the, if you Faking beliefs- don't believe in God or buy into whatever it is,,, fake it till you belief as object. make it, just act as if you do believe. And eventually it'll come around, I tried that for 3 years when I was in Al-Anon, never worked. After 3 years I still didn't buy into the called God aspect of things… so I tried on all those words all those phrases all of those things and I used to use the phrase you like I would put it on like a coat, how does this feel? Does it feel warm and fuzzy? does it works for me? does it make sense? Does it make me warm and cuddly? Sometimes I could say yes this idea this concept when I tried it on it felt valid, and there are other things I would try on it just didn't work didn't make sense couldn't force myself to believe it.

When I came here, a friend of mine from the supporting group, he Finding came here, so, I came here with him. Unitarian Universalism.

160 Spiritual growth

I used to go to bars. I was stupid when I was younger, and by the The person he time I was in my 40s when I was divorced, I really didn’t go to was. bars.

And I had been reading about spirituality before that, and every Searching for book I read about that didn’t get me one step closer, everybody I spirituality. talked to, some people they just rub their shoulders, other people who have an answer, most of the answers I didn’t quite understand or follow, and every answer was different, that much I knew.

Up until my late 20s I was probably a jerk, and I was visiting a Change/ self- friend up in Buffalo just this last summer and he made the witnessed. comment: when I got married, I made a radical transformation in becoming from being kind of a jerk to being extremely responsible and dedicated and focused on my wife and my kids and he didn’t say becoming more of a sane human being, he said there’s just a dramatic change that he saw in me. I accept that!

Nowadays people tend to like me. I had friends back in my early Spiritual growth. twenties, but I guess I was a party animal, and whatever kind of, I use the term jerk, it’s much more self-focused, focused inward rather than being focused outward.

I went from being very self-centered I guess, or vey looking out The person he for number one, to at least having a family, a wife and my family became. and whatever connection there were around that, and now after the divorce and my kids grew up, I became more invested here and I got even a larger family, to care about.

Identification Need

That was simple enough and concise enough and I still struggle with Spirituality- it to a degree but as I thought about it, I couldn’t identify with it Identified by more… others. That’s the confusion of things, to me anyway. I’ve had several people say... because I would say I’m not very spiritual, they would Agnosticism say you’re far more spiritual than you give yourself a credit for. And maybe! But I don’t know it!

161 I think the minister is the first one that mentioned that, that she saw my type of spiritual practice is service, giving up myself to the church, or the cause, or the need, or the individual, and I accept that.

I don’t know! If it has, I’m not aware of it. there's a couple they Agnostic, came and I was chatting with them I guess it was a conversation skeptic- rational similar to this and she said but you’re such a skeptic I said I don't see as a skeptic, I see it as being a practices, and I just can't buy into things that don't make some sense to me...

Unitarian Universalist experience

I said: this isn’t a church. I haven’t heard them using the word God, Match belief and he chuckled saying, you can go for months without hearing the (atheism) word God, and I said that’s my kind of church. Fitting. No God.

If someone says thank you to me, I feel kind of a bond or Connection with connection to that person. group-family.

This is my family of choice...this is my extended family, so I’ve family gotta be nice to them, and care about then and help them and do choice what I can, and I’m not trying to save the world, but it given me a focus outside of myself and outside my immediate family. Cause Loyalty.

I call people up I have to check things out and I introduce myself Being known. and, I have had several women that I don’t really know who said yeah, you’re the tall guy with shorts! Yeah that’s me… I guess there’s a lot more people know me than I know…

I get strokes, warm-fuzzies... people need nurturing, people need to Satisfied feel wanted, need to feel loved, just as an emotional connection. So feelings- being strokes are kind words, kind statements… it’s a good thing, getting seen- nurturing, warm fuzzies, so here I feel loved not by everybody but appreciated. by most. I get lots of people saying, giving me warm-fuzzies, I Fighting think they get a little bit extreme sometimes” if you weren’t here loneliness. the place would fall to the ground” that’s extreme but it feels good. I tell the story that I would rather come here and do a job or fix something, or take care of something because then people say thank you, sometimes people have me over for lunch,, when I’m home and I fix something at my house, the only body who’s gonna

162 say thank you is me, and if I look at the mirror and say thank you for fixing that, it’s just doesn’t feel the same as having somebody else saying thank you for unplugging the toilet or putting out the garbage, or whatever it happened to be, so those strokes or warm fuzzies, nurturing, ,, makes me feel wanted, makes me feel cared for.

Involvement with the Fellowship

Yes. we have a group that meets once a month at the minister’s searching house called: mystics and metaphysics and that’s investigating meaning: Class, spirituality and whatever other aspects there is of it. minister.

The book-keeping, building grounds church person, I’m on the Volunteering board, I’m usually the one they ask to help up for setting up chairs work. and fixing things and finding things...

Do I resent any of that? No because the word happy is vague, what Satisfaction. does happiness mean? And I read some articles and there’re some studies that I heard about, who knows 5 -10 years ago, talking about happiness isn't one level of one thing, there's a gradient of how happy people are... Most people think of themselves as happy but when you get down into, and I don't know how Anthropologists they figure out how much happier is one person than another how they test that thing…,, where do I fall in the cube, I don’t know, I probably say I’m below 50% whatever that means but I am happy where I am, or I’m content where I am, and I don’t whether contentment translated to some level of happiness or not, are they two different words for the same feeling, I don’t know, and this comes back to the spirituality thing. I would accept other people’s comments...and I’m not rejecting what they’re saying but just because I don’t identify it doesn’t mean I don’t accept it!

Unitarian Universalist identity

I don't know if that's true or not, see here I am trying to say that Vague -UU as we’re different and we’re a cross section of a greater different from the community. other religions.

163 We do not put ourselves under the Christian label because we Confirmation- don't believe in the Trinity, we don't believe in the Divinity of negation- UU as Jesus…. atheists. UU congregations there are a lot of atheists more so than you'll non-believers (God) find in a Christian church or a Protestant church or a Jewish or a But religious. Muslim church…. I also think of atheism is kind of a religion by its own Because I read a quote sometime I don't remember who made it, the opposite of a belief in God is Not atheism, it's someone who doesn't care at all, it’s not even worth Talking about, there’s no God, I don’t care,,, God is not part of anything that even Affects their lives. So that's why I say that atheism takes the position that there is not a God, an atheist can be just as fervent as the most militant Jesus worshipper

I guess I buy into the Buddhist thing, the seeking! I think there Relationship is more validity in looking for- I was going to say “truth” but I between agnosticism don’t know what truth means in this regard- looking for and Eastern something that seems to make sense to me as to what philosophy. spirituality is, what happiness is…. That's why I come back with the with the more the Buddhist philosophy but I don't think I really believe in God but there are thousands of paths up the mountain to Enlightenment… It's like getting to a godly state or something, but they will acknowledge that there are many paths up the mountain as there are people walking taking that journey, whereas Christians and whatever sects of Islam and whatever, this is it.

Agnosticism

I still continue to say that I have no clue as to what's Spirituality - in between spirituality is… old meaning and new I just don’t necessarily recognize that as being spiritual I meaning. think in my head spirituality is something ethereal or so. If I was really spiritual, I will be able to levitate myself up into the air, totally stupid perhaps but I don't know

So the whole religion thing still! can I flat out say there is Proving God’s existence. no God? I cannot prove there is no God but there's no person out there regardless of how much they believe in Islam or Christianity they can't prove that there is a God, so we got two wins of the spectrum… Neither one can prove

164 their position and so we accepted on a blind faith and I think my end or at least where I'm coming from is a little bit more aware that I've heard most Christians admit to that they are believing out of blind faith rather than anything they could really prove….

There's a phrase like a universal truth or a great oneness, or Spirit- God definition- Universal energy that's more what I would give to ascribe a energy- believer- using definition of God, We're all connected to this energy…. God- distinguishing everybody is a child of God And you're connected to this belief from Christianity. God or this Universal energy or a great oneness, we’re all connected. And I mean so if there is a God that would be my definition of what this God is. That's not what a Christian would say.

Atheism Objections Belief

I thought the whole point of this was God , You Jesus as God. Jesus know and then they will come up with but God is representative of part of the Trinity: Father ,Son, and Holy Ghost, God. and maybe I don't even understand the specifics of the Trinity and the relationship of God and Jesus and how they're one and the same… if you want to pray to God then just pray to God, Jesus was just a representative here on earth… gets this almost a God’s-like status because of that virgin birth kind of thing, it’s too much for me to swallow, I can’t, I won’t let myself buy into that, I’m not that flexible.

And I thought the whole confession thing was… Confession to Responsibility of where is the responsibility of the individual? And get away with action/belief. that didn’t make sense to me either. mistakes. in the world There's roughly 2 billion Christians 2 Salvation for Pluralism- many billion Muslims and 2 billions non-believers or the Christians. paths for all other Eastern religions. So, what if 7 billion people humans. in this world you're going to tell me that there's only 200 million that are the Assemblies of God denomination and they are the only ones that will go to heaven and everybody else is left behind.

165

Values and beliefs

I believe that it is legitimate to question God. Questioning, doubting.

I couldn’t lie and say: oh yes, I buy into all of that, God is wonderful, Honesty. God is great, blah blah blah..but it’s a lie.

When you die you become worm’s food. And I don’t like this image, Death- but that’s the truth in my opinion realistic.

Spirituality is coming to understand who she was, who she is, and Spiritual who she wants to become... growth.

But I do buy that if there’s something out there, up there, over there, Rational. then I have to get. I can’t just accept it without solemn awareness or evidence or proof.

He believed in the literal writings in the Bible whatever the Bible was Bible as written, the written word, that's what was fact, the word of God. And I history- said which version? … Believing is But the King James version was written to 300 years ago I believe and one-sided. now they got more modern translations, so which is now the word of God? That's why I say the whole thing just gets, so you either believe or you don't believe I don't think there's much of in between… and I think in order to believe one pretty much has to suspend logical and rational thinking because if you try to apply logic and reason to the whole story it just breaks down.

Between Utopia & Reality

We were talking about people leaving because they will Utopia: have a schism in the church…. Loyalty to religion and the Well those people were angry and refused to believe that whole group. the music director wasn’t doing what the minister wanted, why wasn’t she given a notice, why this, why that. And no matter what was said by the minister and Reality: the board they didn't believe it they just took her side of Schism: leaving church. the story... Because of individual So but that type of problem I find, just sad in a way perspective. because I am here For the good feelings that I get

166 wherever they emanate from, whatever occurs to give Refusing change. me my happy feelings And if the people in the choir in Circle: music committee. the music committee if the only reason they were here is to have their little group of people who sing and that's the only thing that they.. Any kind of loyalty to the congregation, I find that sad…. what about the rest of the people that were her, what about the massage that we have as a religion, there’s so much more than just music…

It’s mostly just here at the church, I wish that there were Utopia: some connections that I would have in the evenings Social connection with other times, may or may not happen, but I’m content community. with the relationships that I do have here and if I learned to start saying no to requests to help out with things, fix things or do things then I would have more time to do Reality: other things with other people… But that’s my own, that comes back to the person I wanna become. And I’m not No time to spend time with avoiding that, I don’t know that I have a specific them- because of over- direction right now but I would like to have more social commitment. activity outside of church with people that I know, and Circle: congregation. that takes time, you know, you gotta have binding at first.

I used to go but not anymore, there’s one guy who Utopia: makes me absolutely crazy! And I finally said, I’m not Unity with whole group. coming anymore, I’m not gonna put up with his craziness, I’m not gonna subject myself to that, so I walked away. Reality: Splitting from a group because of personal arguments/ personality/old idea. Circle: Forum group.

I do a little bit but not as much as I would like to, you Utopia: know I just gotten away from some things from a time Meeting spiritual needs- point of view ..I feel like I over-commit, it and I'm traditional understanding. hence less effective in what I'm giving people what they want or for what they probably hope to produce and so I don't give myself the time to meditate and, get back to Reality: my yoga practice, exercise more because I'm.. busy here. I always seem to be doing something, and yet I

167 will go home and by the time I get , if I’m finishing Do not meditate- busy with eating dinner at 8 I’m just wiped. serving congregation- spiritual in new meaning.

168 APPENDIX B. SAMPLE OF UNITARIAN UNIVERSALIST NARRATIVE

By a unitarian universalist member (permitted by author).

Vastly Different - Uniquely the Same

A few years back I was searching. I didn't quite know what I was searching for, but I was looking. I was raised Jewish but never really felt that special connection that I thought I should. My relationship with G-d is great but I never felt at home at Temple. Going to services on the High Holidays was plenty for me. I considered myself more spiritual than religious.

I went to a different Synagogue; no difference. I investigated Buddhism; not what I was looking for. I knew anything with Jesus was not for me. Hindu's have many Gods, I believe in only One, so that wasn't it either. I kept thinking that there had to be something else. This search went off and on for many many months.

Then late one night I remembered that when I was a little kid my Uncle would take me to a Unitarian Church when I stayed with my Grandma. I didn't remember anything other than those Unitarians were different. So I looked it up. Who are those Unitarians?

What do they do? I liked what I read. Whatever you believed was OK. There were no

"you have to do this" or "you can't do that" in order to be one of us like so many other religions require. So far so good. I found the UUA.org site and read some more.

I discovered that there was a congregation in my area. I had no idea that it even existed.

It was called a Fellowship. Had it been called a Church, I don't think I would have come. And services didn't start until 10:30am (I am not an early riser). I decided to check it out.

169 My first visit to UUFBR was the Flower Communion Service. At the start of the service, the bowls were struck and now I was even more intrigued. Then the weirdest thing happened to me. I started getting all choked-up. My eyes started welling up with tears. This is not me; not in public anyway. What was happening? Then everyone got up and received a flower. This was special. I had never felt so connected before.

At the end of the service the announcements were made. It so happened that the next

Sunday was my turn to bring in snacks for coffee hour. I had to come back, right?

Coincidence? Divine Intervention? The Universe was talking to me and I was listening.

The next week I made a batch of granola and brought it with me. This time I was brave enough to stand up and say my name during Welcome. And as the service went on, I got choked-up again. I had found my people. I kept coming back week after week. It was two months before I stopped choking back tears at every service; it’s only during most services now, not every one of them.

I knew in my heart during that very 1st visit that I would become a member of UUFBR. I also knew in my head that it would take me a full year before I would be willing to make that commitment.

I wanted to experience an entire annual cycle before signing the book. I had never joined any type of community such as this (I had never found a community such as this) and I wanted to be sure in my decision.

So, I joined committees, I made friends, I attended events, I volunteered. I showed up every Sunday morning and found peace. I learned more about what it is to be UU; learning that never stops.

170 REFERENCES

Albanese, Catherine L. 2007. A Republic of Mind and Spirit. United States: Yale University Press.

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