Director's Book

Director’s Book By Alexi Alfieri

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WHAT HAPPENED AFTER ONCE UPON A TIME STORYTELLER ROLE A great deal of the success of this play depends on the performance By ALEXI ALFIERI of the storyteller. She will need to act determined, but not too irritated. CAST OF CHARACTERS It might be tempting for her to sound upset or disillusioned by the (In Order of Appearance) second or third scene with all the interruptions, but it’s important that she resist this, or she will burn out as a character. The storyteller is # of lines like the exceptionally kind substitute teacher who has good intentions STORYTELLER ...... a determined substitute 194 but whose patience is definitely being tested. CINDERELLA ...... clean freak 22 Though the storyteller’s role is quite large, the book props can have RAPUNZEL ...... diva 27 her lines in them as prompts. This does not mean, however, that the FIRST PIG ...... hypochondriac allergic to straw 10 actor playing the storyteller does not need to learn or rehearse her lines. Intonation, expression, and eye contact would all be severely WOLF ...... English gentleman 13 hampered if the lines were simply read. Any lines hidden in the books SECOND PIG ...... hypochondriac with a bad back 9 should only be used as prompts. THIRD PIG ...... hypochondriac suffering from 5 FLEXIBLE CASTING depression PIGS, DWARFS, and BABY BEAR can be played as either male or female. HANSEL ...... all boy 34 For a smaller cast, DWARFS can double with other roles. When SNOW GRETEL ...... all girl 35 WHITE enters at the end of Scene Nine, the DWARFS do not have to JACK ...... loser 26 accompany her if doubling is used. KING ...... ditzy 17 Scenes can be cut to accommodate a smaller cast or for a shorter QUEEN ...... confused 21 running time. PRINCESS ...... forgetful 8 LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD ... lawyer 26 HAPPY ...... mischievous leader of the Seven 12 Dwarfs DOPEY...... clueless dwarf 3 SLEEPY ...... sleepy dwarf 3 SNEEZY ...... sneezy dwarf 3 SNOW WHITE ...... stern mother 9 DOC ...... nerdy dwarf 3 BASHFUL ...... shy dwarf 3 GRUMPY ...... grouchy dwarf 6 GOLDILOCKS ...... scaredy-cat 23 BABY BEAR ...... trying to be a grown-up bear 5

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PRODUCTION NOTES SET The background is a brick wall with fairytale graffiti all over it, such PROPERTIES ONSTAGE as “For Legal Advice, Call Red!” or “Jack was here!” or “Rapunzel Chair, books: “Cinderella,” “Rapunzel,” “The Three Little Pigs,” the Beautiful.” There’s a chair UP RIGHT facing the audience for the “Hansel and Gretel,” “Jack and the Beanstalk,” “The Princess and the storyteller. Beside the chair, books with titles visible in large print Pea,” “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs,” “Little Red Riding Hood,” should be stacked in the following descending order: “Cinderella,” and “Goldilocks and the Three Bears.” “Rapunzel,” “The Three Little Pigs,” “Hansel and Gretel,” “Jack and the Beanstalk,” “The Princess and the Pea,” “Snow White and the PROPERTIES BROUGHT ON Seven Dwarfs,” “Little Red Riding Hood,” and “Goldilocks and the Scene One: Three Bears.” Rubber gloves, rag, scrub brush, bucket with a monogrammed “C” (CINDERELLA) SYNOPSIS OF SCENES Scene Three: Scene breaks are for rehearsal purposes only. The play should be Bundle of straw, handkerchief (FIRST PIG) presented in its entirety without any pauses or breaks. Inhaler (WOLF) Scene One: Cinderella Bundle of sticks (SECOND PIG) Scene Two: Rapunzel Scene Three: The Three Little Pigs Scene Four: Scene Four: Hansel and Gretel Spear (HANSEL) Scene Five: Jack and the Beanstalk Small purse (GRETEL) Scene Six: The Princess and the Pea Scene Seven: Scene Seven: Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs Planner, cell phone, business card (LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD) Scene Eight: Little Red Riding Hood Scene Eight: Scene Nine: Goldilocks and the Three Bears Broom (SNOW WHITE) Scene Nine: Packets of papers (PIGS) SOUND EFFECTS Door knocking, cell phone ring. COSTUME SUGGESTIONS The costume suggestions in the script offer a playful, contemporary twist on the fairy tales. Of course, if this is not the director’s vision, more traditional costuming can be incorporated instead. The animal costumes can be very simple and representative. PIGS should have pig noses and tails and wear plain clothing in pink or gray. WOLF wears gray clothing and perhaps something that would make him look like an English actor, such as an ascot or a fedora. Furry hands and drawn on whiskers with a black nose would also be helpful. BABY BEAR has brown bear ears and wears brown clothing.

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1 SECOND PIG: (ENTERS with papers.) Yeah, me too. WHAT HAPPENED AFTER ONCE UPON A TIME THIRD PIG: (ENTERS with papers.) Me three. Scene One WOLF: (ENTERS, followed by HANSEL and GRETEL.) Pardon me, but did someone mention something about paperwork? Is it in regard 1 STORYTELLER: (ENTERS and addresses AUDIENCE.) Oh, hello! Does 5 to the Tony nominations this year? Because I feel very confident anyone know where I should…? (Looks around and spots the about my performance. chair UP RIGHT.) Oh, this must be the spot! (Sits.) I’m so sorry. You’ll have to excuse my confusion. They just called me in a few HANSEL: Hey, buddy, confidence is traveling with a spear. 5 hours ago as a substitute storyteller. I’m not really sure what GRETEL: No, Hansel, confidence is wearing a fabulous pair of shoes. happened—something about the last one quitting out of the blue. JACK: (ENTERS.) Hey, Storyteller, I just told my mother I’m moving out, Very mysterious if you ask me. (Looks around.) Now, let me see, 10 and she started crying! Now what am I supposed to do? they told me I’d find my stories around here somewhere.(Spots the KING: (ENTERS with QUEEN.) Why is everyone gathered up like this? stack of books.) Oh, yes! Here they are! Oh, my favorite! Fairy tales! Am I missing something? 10 (Wistfully.) You know, when I was little, whenever I heard the phrase QUEEN: Ooooh, is this a celebration? I love celebrations! “Once upon a time…” it would just send shivers right through me! PRINCESS: (ENTERS.) Well, I’m here, but I don’t remember what I’m I just couldn’t wait to hear what happened next! And now here I am saying it to you! And you must be just as excited as I am to 15 supposed to be doing. Storyteller, what’s my line? find out how things will work out. Oh, I just love this job already! SNOW WHITE: (ENTERS, pushing DWARFS IN ahead of her and lining 15 Let’s start with “Cinderella,” shall we? (Takes the “Cinderella” book, them up. [See PRODUCTION NOTES.]) More importantly, when are clears throat, and then begins reading dramatically.) “Once upon a the seven dwarfs serving detention? I know they deserve it! time…” (Looks up at AUDIENCE, shivers with delight, and continues.) LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: (ENTERS.) Has someone seen a cell “…there was a beautiful girl named Cinderella. Cinderella had two 20 phone around here? Mine’s missing, and I’m due in court in twenty stepsisters who were very unkind to her. They made her do all the minutes. Storyteller? Storyteller? (STORYTELLER buries her head 20 work. Cinderella had to sweep the floors, wash the dishes, and do and gives a strangled sound.) the laundry while her stepsisters relaxed on the sofa or went to QUEEN: Is there something wrong, dear? grand parties—” STORYTELLER: (Raises head.) Yes! There’s something wrong. I’ve CINDERELLA: (ENTERS with a bucket with a “C” monogram. A clean 25 just heard so much whining and complaining and objecting and freak, she wears a skirt with a blouse neatly tucked in. Her hair is forgetting that… that… 25 up, possibly in a kerchief, and she wears tennis shoes since she’s LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: Do you need some legal counsel? always on the move.) Hold on! I don’t see why everyone thinks I was THIRD PIG: Or the advice of a therapist? forced to do housework. I love to clean! It’s absolutely invigorating! Just the thought of getting things in order and organized just melts GRETEL: How about some chocolate? I always carry some with me my stress away. (Pulls on rubber gloves.) 30 for emergencies. 30 STORYTELLER: Excuse me? Are you Cinderella? HANSEL: Hey, you didn’t tell me you had chocolate when we were starving in the woods! CINDERELLA: Of course. Can’t you tell it’s me from my monogrammed mop bucket? (Lifts bucket up.) GRETEL: Not an emergency. STORYTELLER: Oh, yes. I’m sorry. I guess I should have spotted that. GOLDILOCKS: (ENTERS. Timidly.) Is everything okay? CINDERELLA: (Sympathetic.) First day on the job? 35 STORYTELLER: No! Everything is not okay. I don’t have what it takes to do this job. I just need to… quit! (Bursts into tears.) 35 STORYTELLER: Yes, and I have to admit, I’m a little confused. Did you say you like to clean? SECOND PIG: Aw, now why would you wanna do that? You’re the best storyteller we’ve ever had! CINDERELLA: That’s right! And I’m starting with this floor. It’s filthy! Feel free to continue on with the story, though. (Kneels, takes a WOLF: Absolutely top notch. rag from the bucket and drapes it over her shoulder. Takes a scrub 40 STORYTELLER: (Sniffles.) What? Really? 40 brush from the bucket and begins to scrub the floor.)

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1 STORYTELLER: Well, all right. (Reads. [NOTE: Throughout the play, 1 STORYTELLER: See? You can handle this. “Then she tried a spoonful STORYTELLER’S lines in quotation marks indicate when she is of Baby Bear’s porridge, and it was just right.” reading from a book.]) “Now, one day a special invitation from the GOLDILOCKS: Hey, this is all right. Nothing really awful has happened royal palace came in the mail. Cinderella and her two stepsisters so far. 5 were invited to a ball to celebrate the birthday of the prince. He 5 STORYTELLER: You’re right, and I just may be able to finish a fairy tale was the most handsome fellow in all the land.” for the first time today! Are you ready? Can I keep going? CINDERELLA: Huh! (Still scrubbing vigorously.) He isn’t much to look GOLDILOCKS: Oh, yes, I’m fine. at, if you ask me. His hair’s untidy, he always has dirt under his STORYTELLER: Great! “Then Goldilocks went into the bedroom where fingernails, and I know for a fact that he never makes his bed. The she saw three beds.” 10 royal maids told me so! 10 GOLDILOCKS: I bet I know what happens! STORYTELLER: But he’s a prince. He shouldn’t have to make his own bed. STORYTELLER: “She lay down on Papa Bear’s bed…” CINDERELLA: Well, maybe if he wasn’t so busy acting like he was GOLDILOCKS: But it was too hard! Prince Charming or something he would have the time to fold his STORYTELLER: “She lay down on Mama Bear’s bed…” 15 underwear properly and put them away. I hear he just leaves them GOLDILOCKS: But it was too soft! draped all over the place! 15 STORYTELLER: Right! “Finally, she lay down on Baby Bear’s bed…” STORYTELLER: Really? GOLDILOCKS/STORYTELLER: (Together.) And it was just right! CINDERELLA: Oh, yes, and do you want to know what else? STORYTELLER: Okay, Goldilocks, work with me here. You’re doing STORYTELLER: What’s that? great, and I’m almost done. If we can just get through this last 20 CINDERELLA: I don’t care to step one big toe into that royal palace! part, then I can— The floors are polished just once a year, the mantle pieces are only 20 BABY BEAR: (ENTERS.) Roar! dusted once a month, the kitchen ovens are a blackened mess, GOLDILOCKS: Ahhh! (Screams and runs OFF.) and— (STORYTELLER puts the “Cinderella” book aside and looks STORYTELLER: (Face palm.) Oh, I can’t believe it. through the other books, scattering them around the chair.) Hey! 25 What are you doing? BABY BEAR: Was it something I said? Did I come in too late? STORYTELLER: Well, I’m trying to look for a new book, because I don’t STORYTELLER: (Holds up fingers.) I was this close. think this fairy tale is very accurate. 25 BABY BEAR: Huh? CINDERELLA: Well, I agree with you there, but wait! You’re making a STORYTELLER: The end was in sight! It was one page away! mess! (Drops the scrub brush into the bucket, runs over, and begins BABY BEAR: Are you the storyteller? 30 to pile the books back up.) These books need to stay in order! You STORYTELLER: (Puts head in hands.) Yes, yes, I’m sorry to say that should keep them arranged by size or alphabetically or—Ooh!— I’m the storyteller. maybe by the color of the spine! (Looks excitedly at STORYTELLER.) 30 CINDERELLA: (ENTERS.) Yes, and as the storyteller, you promised me STORYTELLER: I think we’re getting a little off track here. this place would be cleaned up by the end of the day, and this wall CINDERELLA: You’re right. We need to focus. You keep reading, and is still filthy! 35 I’ll just tidy up. RAPUNZEL: (ENTERS.) Yeah, and I just spoke with Rachel, and she STORYTELLER: All right, I’ll give this another try. told me she hasn’t heard from you about the role of the evil CINDERELLA: Absolutely. Go on, go on. (Pulls the rag off her shoulder, 35 enchantress. I’ll have you know Rachel is my best friend again and snaps it, and begins to energetically dust the covers of the books a wonderful actress, and if I have to threaten someone around and restack them in order.) here for her to get the part, I will! 40 STORYTELLER: (Picks up the Cinderella book and flips to a page.) “So, FIRST PIG: (ENTERS with papers.) Hey, Storyteller, I need your help. Cinderella’s two stepsisters went off to the ball, and Cinderella I’ve got some home owners insurance claims to make, and I’m not was left to scrub the bathroom…” (CINDERELLA smiles big. Adds 40 sure where to send the paperwork.

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1 STORYTELLER: Do you have to what? 1 in.) …which was one of her very favorite things to do. (CINDERELLA GOLDILOCKS: (Trembling.) Wander through the forest? It’ll be dark nods approvingly. Back to book.) “No sooner had she begun to soon, and there are very scary things in there. I’m just filling in for polish the potty, than her fairy godmother appeared. She gave a friend today, so I don’t know what’s going to happen. Cinderella a beautiful gown—” 5 STORYTELLER: You’ll be fine. You’re just going to the house of the 5 CINDERELLA: That desperately needed to be dry cleaned. three bears. STORYTELLER: “And a carriage—” GOLDILOCKS: What?! Three bears! CINDERELLA: That had the grimiest wheels you ever saw. STORYTELLER: It’s okay, it’s okay. They’re not home. STORYTELLER: “And told her she mustn’t stay past midnight at the GOLDILOCKS: (Relieved.) Oh, thank goodness. ball.” 10 STORYTELLER: I’m going to keep reading now. 10 CINDERELLA: Which I never wanted to go to in the first place! GOLDILOCKS: (Tentative.) Okay. STORYTELLER: Oh, boy. Okay, this isn’t working out. Maybe I really STORYTELLER: “When Goldilocks reached the house of the three should move on to another fairy tale. bears, she walked inside and spotted three chairs. She climbed CINDERELLA: Oh, no you don’t. Not until I’ve had a chance to tackle up into Papa Bear’s chair, which was extremely tall.” this wall! (Stands and puts her hands on her hips.) Just look at it! 15 15 GOLDILOCKS: Oh, no. It’s been vandalized! STORYTELLER: What? STORYTELLER: Actually, some people consider graffiti to be its own unique form of art. GOLDILOCKS: I’m afraid of heights. CINDERELLA: Well, those people must be absolute slobs, because I STORYTELLER: It wasn’t that high. would never consider this anything but a complete mess! GOLDILOCKS: But I already feel dizzy and nauseous just thinking 20 STORYTELLER: Well, I don’t want to spend time arguing. How about I 20 about it. start another story, and you feel free to go and— STORYTELLER: (Sighs.) Let’s just move on to the next chair. CINDERELLA: (Excited.) Organize my spice rack? GOLDILOCKS: All right. STORYTELLER: (Encouraging.) Yes, yes, that sounds like a good idea. STORYTELLER: “Goldilocks then sat in Mama Bear’s chair, which was CINDERELLA: So I can leave you here and count on things getting too soft.” 25 cleaned up when you’re done? 25 GOLDILOCKS: Oh, that’s no good. I get lost in pillow furniture like that. STORYTELLER: Absolutely. It’s so hard to get up once you’ve sat down. CINDERELLA: All right, then. Good luck with this new storyteller job STORYTELLER: Maybe, but there’s nothing to worry about because and all. Shall I leave my Mr. Clean Magic Eraser with you? then you sat in Baby Bear’s chair, which was just right… until you busted it. STORYTELLER: Thank you, but I don’t think I’ll need it. 30 CINDERELLA: Okay, I’m off then. (Grabs the bucket.) Ooh! Maybe I’ll 30 GOLDILOCKS: (Relieved, then worried.) Oh no! Was I hurt? have time to clean my tub with a toothbrush! (EXITS.) STORYTELLER: (Slightly exasperated.) No, not at all. You just picked yourself up and brushed yourself off. You’re fine. End of Scene One GOLDILOCKS: Okay. Scene Two STORYTELLER: “Then Goldilocks saw three bowls of porridge on the STORYTELLER: Well, now, I never expected Cinderella to be a clean 35 kitchen table. She tried a spoonful of Papa Bear’s porridge, but it freak. I suppose I shouldn’t make too many assumptions about was too hot.” the stars of these fairy tales. (Picks the next book, “Rapunzel,” off GOLDILOCKS: Did I burn my tongue? 35 the pile.) So, let’s try the next story, shall we? (Dramatically.) “Once STORYTELLER: No, no. Don’t worry. “Then she tried a spoonful of upon a time—” Oh, I do still like the sound of that! “…there was Mama Bear’s porridge, but it was too cold.” an evil enchantress who had a daughter named Rapunzel.” 40 GOLDILOCKS: Oh, well, that’s not so terrible.

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1 RAPUNZEL: (ENTERS, mimes chewing gum with an obnoxious diva 1 BASHFUL: Nighty-night. (Lies down along with HAPPY, DOPEY, SLEEPY, attitude. She is way over-dressed in a prom dress, complete with SNEEZY, and DOC.) matching shoes and jewelry.) Hold on right there, Miss Storyteller, GRUMPY: (Scowls.) I’m not tired. because I know the perfect person to play the evil enchantress. SNOW WHITE: (ENTERS carrying a broom. Can be dressed in traditional 5 My ex-friend Rachel. That’s right, my ex-friend. Can you believe it?! 5 Disney costume or any housedress with an apron tied around her She calls me up the other day and tells me she asked out Prince waist.) Boys! Get up this minute! (Nudges DWARFS firmly with broom, Frederick, who she knows I’ve had a crush on since our first day and they get up immediately with slightly ashamed expressions.) at the Royal Academy! STORYTELLER: Snow White? STORYTELLER: Rapunzel? SNOW WHITE: Yes, I’m Snow White. Are you a substitute storyteller? 10 RAPUNZEL: Duh. 10 STORYTELLER: Yes. STORYTELLER: Well, I’m sorry about your ex-friend, but so far, would SNOW WHITE: Well, let me give you some advice. These dwarfs need you have any corrections to make to this fairy tale? (Indicates a firm hand! They need discipline! They need to know who’s boss! book.) Anything amiss? Especially this one. (Pulls on HAPPY’S ear.) RAPUNZEL: (Scoffs.) No. STORYTELLER: (Sarcastic.) You mean Grumpy? 15 STORYTELLER: Oh, good. May I continue then? 15 SNOW WHITE: (Shakes her head.) You didn’t fall for that, did you? This RAPUNZEL: (Rolls her eyes.) I guess. is Happy, who’s always very happy to see how much mischief he STORYTELLER: “Unable to have children, the evil enchantress had can get into. taken Rapunzel from a poor old couple when she was just a baby.” STORYTELLER: I’m not surprised to hear that. RAPUNZEL: Well, that sounds about right. I could totally see Rachel SNOW WHITE: So sorry! You need to set boundaries, Storyteller, and 20 doing something like that. 20 stick to them! Don’t fall for any shenanigans! These dwarfs will STORYTELLER: “And Rapunzel grew into a beautiful young woman.” walk all over you like a bathmat if they sense any wishy-washiness RAPUNZEL: (Examines her manicured nails.) So far, you’re reading it on your part! perfectly. STORYTELLER: I see. STORYTELLER: “Since Rapunzel was so attractive, the evil enchantress SNOW WHITE: Well, that’s enough for today. I’ll march them right 25 locked her away in a tower with no stairs or door so there wasn’t 25 home, put them to work, and you can try again tomorrow. any chance a prince could steal her away.” STORYTELLER: Thank you. I appreciate that. RAPUNZEL: Oh, I hate this part. I’m stuck up there in that stinky old SNOW WHITE: You’re quite welcome. (EXITS, shooing the DWARFS OFF tower, and no one’s returning my calls, and it’s just so boring! By ahead of her.) the way, when is lunch? I was told this was going to be catered, End of Scene Eight 30 and I’m famished! STORYTELLER: Well, I hadn’t heard anything about a lunch break. Scene Nine RAPUNZEL: Aren’t you in charge around here? STORYTELLER: I’m suddenly feeling very tired. I don’t know why, STORYTELLER: Not really. I was just called in as a substitute storyteller. 30 though. It’s not like I’ve been doing much reading. I haven’t been RAPUNZEL: So, you have no real authority then? able to finish one fairy tale yet! The stack is getting smaller, but I’m not getting anywhere past “Once upon a time”! They’re going 35 STORYTELLER: Well, I wouldn’t say that. I’m doing the narrating. to fire me for sure! I have to give it one last effort.(Picks up last RAPUNZEL: (Snaps her fingers.) Let me talk to your boss. book.) All right, here we go. “Goldilocks and the Three Bears.“ STORYTELLER: I’m not sure who that would be. 35 (Takes a big breath.) “Once upon a time, there was a little girl RAPUNZEL: I want to speak with the one who makes the important named Goldilocks who loved to wander through the forest.” decisions around here… the one who does the hiring and firing! GOLDILOCKS: (ENTERS timidly. She wears a gingham dress and wears 40 (Glares threateningly.) her hair in pigtails.) Do I have to?

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1 HAPPY: Now why would I go and lie to you? 1 STORYTELLER: (Worried.) Oh, Rapunzel. Please, you don’t have to do STORYTELLER: Well, I don’t know. Maybe because I’m a substitute. that. If I’ve offended you somehow, I’m sorry! It’s my first day on HAPPY: Aw, now who would take advantage of a substitute? That’s the job, and— just not right. RAPUNZEL: Fine, fine. Continue with my story. 5 STORYTELLER: (Picks up the next book.) Well, maybe I should just 5 STORYTELLER: (Relieved.) Yes, of course. (Flips hastily to the next start your story, “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.” That will sort page.) “But at the top of the tower there was a tiny window where out the names. the extremely beautiful and multi-talented princess could look over HAPPY: Right. But hey, what’s your hurry, sub? The last storyteller let the countryside.” us have a two-hour break before the story started. Isn’t that right, RAPUNZEL: (Sighs, smiling.) That is one thing the real estate agent 10 fellas? (DWARFS nod.) 10 was right about. It did have a lovely view. STORYTELLER: Hmmm… somehow I don’t believe that either. STORYTELLER: “When the evil enchantress wanted to check HAPPY: Well, I hope you know a good lawyer, because if we don’t get on Rapunzel at the top of the tower, she would cry, ‘Rapunzel, our break, I could report you to the F.T.A.U. Rapunzel, let down your hair!’” STORYTELLER: The F.T.A.U.? RAPUNZEL: And can you believe that? They actually slipped that 15 clause into my contract—that I had to let someone climb my hair! 15 GRUMPY: The Fairy Tale Actor’s Union. I can’t imagine why I couldn’t have had a hair double or something! STORYTELLER: (Glances at Little Red’s business card.) Well, it just so (Throws her hands up.) The things I do for this business! happens I do, but for heaven’s sakes, take your break, and then STORYTELLER: That’s terrible. we should definitely get started. RAPUNZEL: Well, go on, go on. HAPPY: Hey, wait a minute! After our break, it’s snack time! 20 STORYTELLER: “So Rapunzel let her long hair down for the evil 20 STORYTELLER: Snack time? enchantress to climb up and—” HAPPY: That’s right. The last storyteller would bring in all kinds of RAPUNZEL: You know, let me just summarize this next part for you. treats. Hey, fellas, whaddaya want for snack today? I’m thinking ’bout some banana cream pie. STORYTELLER: (Startled.) Oh, all right. DOPEY: That sounds good. RAPUNZEL: Well, first of all, I’ll have you know it was just a couple of 25 days, and then I was so sick of having to repeat that scene where 25 SLEEPY: (Yawns.) I want some vanilla pudding. my hair is getting ripped out of my scalp that I walked off set. I SNEEZY: (Sneezes.) Popcorn with extra butter. mean, really! If they expect me to just stand around for that sort of DOC: Too much sugar for me. I’d like celery sticks with peanut butter. torture, they better be prepared to offer me a much bigger share BASHFUL: Cheese and crackers, please. of the royalties. GRUMPY: I don’t want a snack. I want lunch. 30 STORYTELLER: Of course. 30 STORYTELLER: Now wait just a minute. It’s hard for me to believe RAPUNZEL: Then, they hire this little pipsqueak to play the prince who that after a two-hour break, I have to provide you with pies and is supposed to be riding through the forest and then stopping at puddings and peanut butter. the tower when he hears me singing. Well, the wimp can’t even stay HAPPY: Well, believe it. And then it’s naptime. on his horse! He keeps falling off, and we have to keep restarting 35 the scene! You can’t imagine what that did to my singing voice. STORYTELLER: What? STORYTELLER: That’s awful. 35 HAPPY: Yeah, then we get naptime. It’s right there in our contracts. RAPUNZEL: And then, he finally gets to the top of the tower, tearing DOPEY: Sounds good to me. my hair out in the process, mind you, and he starts to speak, SLEEPY: (Yawns.) Lovely. causing me to about keel over! SNEEZY: (Sneezes.) Yeah, all this sneezing is wearing me out. 40 STORYTELLER: What was the matter? DOC: They say a mid-afternoon nap is a key to good health. RAPUNZEL: Let’s just say the guy really needed some Tic Tacs.

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1 STORYTELLER: No. 1 Did he threaten her in any way? Well, yes, of course I’ll take the RAPUNZEL: Yes! And they expected me to kiss him. case. Yes, that’s fine… good-bye. STORYTELLER: No! STORYTELLER: Let me guess. The Frog Prince wants you to defend RAPUNZEL: Yes! And when I refused to pucker up, this pathetic him against harassment charges. 5 excuse for a prince just sat at the bottom of my tower for the next 5 LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: Excellent summation. three days, waiting for me to change my mind. My word, it felt like STORYTELLER: So we don’t have time to continue with this fairy tale, he was stalking me! do we? STORYTELLER: Well, that’s quite a story. LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: I’m afraid not. But here’s my card. (Hands RAPUNZEL: And that’s the end. STORYTELLER a business card.) If you ever find yourself in need of 10 STORYTELLER: That’s the end? 10 a good lawyer, give me a call. (EXITS.) RAPUNZEL: Duh. End of Scene Seven STORYTELLER: (Confused.) We’re done? Scene Eight RAPUNZEL: Yes, I’d say our business is finished here. I need some STORYTELLER: Well, I certainly hope I never have to actually call her. time to call Rachel back and give her a piece of my mind. But I tell I wouldn’t think as the storyteller I would get into any sort of legal 15 you what, I’ll have my people call your people, and we’ll do lunch. trouble, but I guess you never know. (DWARFS ENTER. They each Ta-ta! (EXITS.) wear a distinct color of sweats and hat. DOC wears glasses.) End of Scene Two 15 HAPPY: (Grins.) Hey, who are you? Scene Three STORYTELLER: I’m the storyteller. STORYTELLER: Well! I had no idea that working with fairytale DOPEY: No, you’re not. superstars would be so challenging. Maybe it would help if I tried SLEEPY: (Yawns.) I doubt it. a story with a larger cast and no divas. (Picks the next book off SNEEZY: (Sneezes.) You don’t sound like the storyteller. 20 the pile.) Ah, here’s one! “The Three Little Pigs!” (Opens up the 20 DOC: You don’t look like the storyteller. book and reads.) “Once upon a time… (Looks up at AUDIENCE and BASHFUL: You don’t act like the storyteller. smiles.) …there was an old mother pig who had three little pigs. STORYTELLER: Well, that’s because I’m the substitute. Since she couldn’t afford to keep them all at home, she sent them out to seek their fortunes. The first little pig set off and met a man HAPPY: (Mischievous grin.) Is that right? 25 with a bundle of straw.” GRUMPY: I don’t like substitutes. FIRST PIG: (ENTERS, rubs eyes, and talks nasally.) Oh, boy. I keep 25 STORYTELLER: Well, I’m sorry to hear that, but I’m narrating today. telling them I’m allergic to straw. What are your names? STORYTELLER: Really? You have hayfever? HAPPY: Well, I’m Grumpy, and this here’s Sleepy. (Elbows SNEEZY, who FIRST PIG: Definitely. If I get within a mile of a stalk of straw, my eyes sneezes.) And that one yawning over there? (Gestures to SLEEPY.) 30 get itchy, I start to sneeze, and I can’t breathe! That’s Sneezy. And Dopey’s the one with the glasses. (Points to 30 DOC, who scowls.) And that there is Bashful and Doc. (Points to STORYTELLER: That bad, huh? DOPEY and BASHFUL.) FIRST PIG: Yup. But that’s the breaks. You can keep reading. GRUMPY: (Grumbles.) And who am I? (Rummages in pockets.) I’m pretty sure I brought my antihistamines with me today. HAPPY: You’re Happy, of course. 35 STORYTELLER: Okay. I’ll try to read this part really quickly. (Reads GRUMPY: Of course. fast.) “So the first little pig asked for some straw to build a house. 35 STORYTELLER: Hmmm… somehow I don’t think you’re telling me the So the man gave the first little pig some straw—” truth. Besides, those are the Disney names for the dwarfs. They FIRST PIG: (Pulls a bundle of straw out of a pocket.) Ah-choo! (Pulls out weren’t in the original story that I’m trying to tell today. a handkerchief.) 6 19

1 LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: There’s absolutely no evidence to prove 1 STORYTELLER: (Reads faster as the FIRST PIG continues to sneeze.) such a charge. “And the first little pig built a house. Presently, a wolf came along, STORYTELLER: So your grandmother is alive and well? knocked on the door, and said…” LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: That information is confidential. WOLF: (ENTERS, growls.) Little pig, little pig, let me come in! 5 STORYTELLER: And the wolf has information about the witch from 5 STORYTELLER: “To which the pig replied…” “Hansel and Gretel”? FIRST PIG: Not by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin. (Thinks.) Hey, what LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: No, no, wrong witch. They’re interested in is a chinny-chin-chin anyway? Could it be the symptom of a serious the witch from “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.” disease? Because with my weakened immune system, I can’t STORYTELLER: I’m confused. afford to catch anything. 10 10 LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: It’s quite simple, really. WOLF: (Straightens up posture and speaks in a gentleman’s voice. English accent if possible, but not necessary.) Why, my dear fellow, STORYTELLER: That’s exactly what you said about your own fairy tale, I’ve never even considered what a chinny-chin-chin might be. I do but I still don’t understand how a little girl can mistake a wolf for know all this huffing and puffing is taking a dreadful toll on my her own grandmother. asthma. (Pulls out an inhaler.) LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: Objection. There’s no solid evidence to 15 FIRST PIG: Really? I didn’t know you had asthma. And you still wanted 15 prove the wolf was in Grandmother’s bed wearing her nightgown at to be cast as the big bad wolf? the time of the incident. WOLF: (Dramatic.) It’s the role I was born to play, and I’m willing to STORYTELLER: But that’s how the story goes. suffer for my art. LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: Yes, but I intend to remind the jury that STORYTELLER: May I continue? the bedroom was dark, the bed was positioned in the far corner, 20 FIRST PIG: Yeah, I guess. 20 and Grandmother was known to have a very deep voice, unusually large ears, and I might add, quite a bit of facial hair. WOLF: Oh, yes, certainly. STORYTELLER: So you believe you can prove the wolf’s innocence? STORYTELLER: “So, the wolf huffed, and he puffed…” (WOLF feebly LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: For four hundred dollars an hour? huffs and puffs, then takes a puff on his inhaler while FIRST PIG Absolutely. blows his nose.) “And he blew the house down.” 25 25 STORYTELLER: But isn’t there a conflict of interest since you’re Little WOLF: (Throws an arm over FIRST PIG’S shoulder, leading him OFF.) Red Riding Hood and you’re in the story? Sorry, old chum. LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: (Corrects her.) It’s Ms. Hood. And there’s FIRST PIG: Ah, don’t worry about it. At least I’ll be put out of my no fairy tale law which prohibits me from defending someone with misery. (Sneezes. They’re OFF.) whom I’m acquainted, and I’m also under no obligation to take the STORYTELLER: I guess we’d better move on to the second little pig. 30 stand against my own client. 30 WOLF: (Peeks IN. Dramatic.) The show must go on. (He’s OFF again.) STORYTELLER: Well, then the wolf will surely be found innocent! STORYTELLER: “The second little pig was busy building a house of LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: And another fairy tale villain will be sticks.” exonerated! SECOND PIG: (ENTERS with a bundle of sticks.) Please tell me why I’m STORYTELLER: Huh. Frankly, I’m confused about all the legal ins-and- always stuck working with the heaviest props? My back is killing 35 outs here. 35 me! LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: It’s quite simple, really. (SOUND EFFECT: STORYTELLER: “And when he needed more sticks, he asked the stick CELL PHONE RINGS.) Oh, pardon me, I need to take this call. merchant…” STORYTELLER: By all means. SECOND PIG: Please give me the lightest sticks out of the pile so I LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: (Into phone.) Ms. Hood speaking. Yes… can build a house. 40 and what are the charges? Did he stay in the pond the entire time? 40 STORYTELLER: I don’t think that’s what it says here.

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1 SECOND PIG: I’m ad-libbing. I’m not spending another 300 dollars at 1 have to admit, this next one has always really confused me. “Little the chiropractor this month. Red Riding Hood.” How could a little girl possibly mistake a wolf STORYTELLER: Okay, I suppose that detail won’t matter so much to for her grandmother? the story. “Then, along came the wolf, who said…” LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: (ENTERS. All business, she wears a red 5 WOLF: (ENTERS, growls.) Little pig, little pig, let me come in! 5 business suit and practical heels.) It’s quite simple, really. STORYTELLER: “To which the pig replied…” STORYTELLER: Oh, hello. Little Red Riding Hood? SECOND PIG: Not by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin. Not unless you’re LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: I prefer Ms. Hood. willing to come in and help me lift these heavy sticks into place. STORYTELLER: Oh, I’m sorry. Well, Ms. Hood, did you say you can STORYTELLER: Hey, that’s not what’s written here! That would explain your fairy tale? 10 definitely change the story if you invited the wolf in. 10 LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: Of course! I’m very happy to set up a SECOND PIG: Okay, okay. Let him huff and puff and blow the house meeting to go over the plot with you, but for now, shall we just down so I can go lie down on a heating pad. begin? STORYTELLER: Well, you could just go, and we’ll skip over that part. STORYTELLER: Oh, yes. (Clears throat.) “Once upon a time, there was The wolf’s asthma is taking the huff out of his puffing anyway. a girl named Little Red—” Ahem. “—Ms. Hood. One day, Ms. Hood 15 was walking through the forest to go visit her grandmother. 15 SECOND PIG: Thanks. I feel another spasm coming on. (EXITS, clutching lower back.) LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: Oh, wait just a moment. (Pulls out a WOLF: (Gentleman’s voice.) Cheerio, good fellow! Just as well. My planner.) No, no, I can’t possibly squeeze that visit in until next cholesterol count’s up, and my doctor tells me I need to cut down week. Shall I schedule it for Tuesday? on bacon. (Picks up bundle of sticks and escorts SECOND PIG OFF.) STORYTELLER: You’re sure you can’t visit your grandmother today? 20 STORYTELLER: I see. I still have to read about the third little pig 20 LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: No, no, definitely not. I’ve got to be in though. court later today to defend a witch against charges of attempted WOLF: (Pops ON again, waving paw nonchalantly.) Yes, yes, fine.(He’s murder. OFF.) STORYTELLER: You’re a lawyer? STORYTELLER: “So the third little pig went off to seek his fortune and LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: I prefer “criminal defense attorney.” 25 met a man with a pile of bricks. He asked the man if he could use 25 STORYTELLER: I see. Well, I’m not sure what— (SOUND EFFECT: them to build a house.” CELL PHONE RINGS.) THIRD PIG: (Trudges ON, moans.) I can’t possibly build anything right LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: (Whips out cell phone from pocket and now. I’m so depressed. looks at it.) Just one moment, I need to take this call. (Into phone.) STORYTELLER: Oh, my. Ms. Hood speaking. Yes… well, I need to speak with my client, 30 30 THIRD PIG: I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I’m certainly not going to tackle but frankly, we’re not interested in a plea bargain. No, that’s fine… some large-scale creative project. Besides, my therapy session Goodbye. starts in about fifteen minutes. STORYTELLER: Something wrong? STORYTELLER: (Calls offstage to WOLF.) What do we do now? LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: Oh, nothing I haven’t dealt with before. WOLF: (ENTERS with a dramatic flourish.)Oh, it’s quite simple, good Fairy Tale Law Enforcement believes my client, the wolf, may 35 have some information they need. They’ve offered him a lighter 35 storyteller. The pig and I, we’ll just take our bows. sentence if he chooses to snitch on a witch. STORYTELLER: All right, then. I suppose that’s all we can do at this point. (WOLF and THIRD PIG both bow deeply to AUDIENCE. THIRD STORYTELLER: I thought you were defending a witch? PIG stands with shoulders slumped.) LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: No, that’s today. This call was about a WOLF: (Takes out a handkerchief dabs at his eyes dramatically.) Thank different case. The wolf is from my own fairy tale. 40 you, thank you so much. You’ve been a wonderful audience. (To 40 STORYTELLER: You’re defending the wolf that ate your grandmother?

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1 KING: Really? What does she want? 1 STORYTELLER.) I wouldn’t be surprised if this performance seals QUEEN: (Turns to the PRINCESS.) What do you want? my nomination for the Tony. (WOLF and THIRD PIG EXIT.) PRINCESS: Ummm… (Stage whisper to STORYTELLER.) What do I End of Scene Three want? Scene Four 5 STORYTELLER: You’re there to sleep on a pile of mattresses. STORYTELLER: (As they go.) Well, we’ll see. (To AUDIENCE.) Oh, brother. PRINCESS: Oh, yes. (Rigid.) I’m here to sleep on a pile of mattresses. Maybe that fairy tale should be called “The Three Hypochondriacs QUEEN: (Also rigid.) Okay. 5 and the Big Bad Actor.” Well, no matter, I’d better just try another KING: But, darling, we haven’t found that pea yet. fairy tale. (Plucks next book off the pile.) Ah, “Hansel and Gretel”! QUEEN: Oh, that’s right. (To PRINCESS.) I’m sorry, dear. You’re going I doubt we’ll have any trouble with this one. All right, here we go. 10 to have to wait until we find the pea that’s supposed to go under (Dramatic.) “Once upon a time, at the edge of a deep dark forest…” all the mattresses. (HANSEL and GRETEL ENTER. HANSEL is a rough and tumble boy 10 and looks unkempt in old shorts and an untucked t-shirt. He carries STORYTELLER: Wait! You’re not supposed to tell her about the pea! a spear. GRETEL is as girly as they come, wearing a dress and heels QUEEN: I’m not? and carrying a small purse.) STORYTELLER: No, that’s a secret! She can’t be a true princess HANSEL: Stay behind me, Gretel. I’ll protect you. 15 unless she complains the next morning about feeling a lump GRETEL: Hansel, you do realize there aren’t any dangerous animals under all those mattresses. 15 in this forest, right? KING: From a pea? You can’t be serious. HANSEL: Wrong, sis. I’ve spotted more than a few chipmunks in here QUEEN: So she can’t be a true princess unless she’s fussy and whiny that look like they mean business. and over-sensitive? That’s a poor message to send out to little GRETEL: I just can’t believe you brought a spear, of all things. 20 girls. HANSEL: (Pats back pocket.) That and an extra pair of socks is STORYTELLER: Huh? I never thought about it like that. What’s the 20 everything a real man needs. point of this fairy tale? GRETEL: I see. No survival kit? No flashlight? No food? KING: Beats me. HANSEL: Of course not. I thought you were bringing that stuff. What’s QUEEN: I haven’t the slightest idea. in your purse? 25 PRINCESS: I’m confused too. Should I go to sleep now or wait for GRETEL: Just the essentials. them to find a pea? 25 HANSEL: Which are? STORYTELLER: I think we’d better just stop here. You can all go. GRETEL: My wallet, my car keys, tissues, my favorite lip gloss, a KING: Well, that’s a relief. tube of mascara, a brush, my cellphone… even though there’s no PRINCESS: You’re telling me. I didn’t have a clue what was going on coverage here 30 from the beginning. HANSEL: How in the world did you fit all of that in there? (Points to the QUEEN: Oh, my dear, you’re not the only one. (KING, QUEEN, and 30 tiny purse.) And you didn’t bring any snacks? PRINCESS EXIT.) GRETEL: Oh, I see. The girl is supposed to take care of the food, right? End of Scene Six HANSEL: Oh, you know I didn’t mean it like that. I’m just starved! Scene Seven GRETEL: You’re always hungry. But you’re in luck. I may have a pack of STORYTELLER: You know, when you really start to think about some peanuts somewhere in here. (Rummages in purse.) of these fairy tales, they’re rather strange, aren’t they? I mean 35 HANSEL: (Leans in and looks into the purse along with GRETEL.) Oh, 35 children being shoved into ovens and talking, homeless pigs. They that would be awesome! How about some beef jerky? You got any don’t really make a lot of sense. (Picks up the next book.) And I of that? Or some cheese puffs? STORYTELLER: Excuse me.

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1 HANSEL/GRETEL: (Look up at STORYTELLER.) Yes? 1 STORYTELLER: No, you’re both looking for a princess. STORYTELLER: Aren’t you supposed to be looking for a house made KING: All right then. Let’s find a princess! completely out of candy in the middle of the forest? QUEEN: Yes, let’s! (KING and QUEEN look around in the sky.) HANSEL: Oh, yeah! STORYTELLER: Don’t you remember you invited lots of princesses to 5 GRETEL: That’s right! 5 come to your castle? STORYTELLER: So shall I read the story? KING: Did we? Then they can’t be that hard to find if we’ve asked a HANSEL: Yeah, yeah. I’m dying for something to eat here. bunch over. GRETEL: Oh, you’re not dying, Hansel. We just left the house, like, QUEEN: Ooh, a party! I love parties. three minutes ago. STORYTELLER: No, no, it’s not a party you’re having. You’ve come up 10 HANSEL: Exactly. A guy’s got to keep his strength up. 10 with a test to determine who is a true princess. GRETEL: Oh, give me a break. KING: We have? HANSEL: Hey, you aren’t hungry because you pigged out on strawberry QUEEN: Ooh, games! I love games. flapjacks this morning. STORYTELLER: Yes, I guess it’s sort of a game. You stack up a bunch GRETEL: I’ll have you know those were multigrain pancakes topped of mattresses and place a pea beneath them all, and then the 15 with a light and delicious berry compote. They were healthy. 15 princesses take turns sleeping on them. HANSEL: And the whipped cream? KING: So we need a stack of mattresses and a pea? GRETEL: A girl’s got to live. STORYTELLER: That’s right. STORYTELLER: Excuse me. KING: Where in heaven are we going to find a pea? HANSEL/GRETEL: (Look up at STORYTELLER.) Yes? QUEEN: Maybe there’s one around here somewhere, darling. Let’s 20 20 STORYTELLER: The candy house? The witch? The bread trail out of look. (They look around on the ground again. SOUND EFFECT: the forest? Shouldn’t we be getting on with the story? DOOR KNOCKING.) GRETEL: Oh, yes, you’re right. STORYTELLER: I think you should answer the door. HANSEL: Hey, what was that? (Peers OFF suspiciously.) KING: Who could that be? GRETEL: (Hides behind HANSEL, alarmed.) What? Where? QUEEN: Yes, who could that be? We weren’t expecting anyone. 25 STORYTELLER: You’re expecting princesses, remember? 25 HANSEL: I thought I saw something. GRETEL: (Trembling.) Something? KING: Oh, yes, that’s right. (SOUND EFFECT: LOUDER KNOCKING.) HANSEL: Yeah, something big and hairy. QUEEN: Shall I get the door? GRETEL: (High-pitched.) Big and hairy? STORYTELLER: Yes, that would be a good idea. HANSEL: I should go investigate. QUEEN: (EXITS and RE-ENTERS with PRINCESS, who wears a stylish 30 suit and heels.) Hello, who are you? (PRINCESS opens her mouth, 30 GRETEL: Don’t leave me! All I have is a pair of tweezers to defend then shuts it and looks confused.) myself! (Shakes purse.) STORYTELLER: Is there something wrong? HANSEL: Oh, so now who wishes she had a spear? PRINCESS: I’m so sorry. (Looks helplessly at STORYTELLER.) I forgot GRETEL: Yeah, yeah. Just remember I have our food supply. my line. HANSEL: I would hardly qualify one measly bag of peanuts as a food 35 STORYTELLER: You’re supposed to announce that you’re a princess. 35 supply. PRINCESS: Oh, yes. (Loud and rigid.) I’m a princess. GRETEL: Hey! They’re going to taste a whole lot better than that pair of socks you brought! QUEEN: That’s nice, dear. STORYTELLER: Excuse me. KING: Who’s that at the door, my darling? HANSEL/GRETEL: (Look up at STORYTELLER.) Yes? QUEEN: It’s a princess.

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1 to their child about a selfish thief who couldn’t care less about his 1 STORYTELLER: Are you ever going to look for the candy house, or mother! shall I just move on to a different fairy tale? JACK: Hold on, hold on. HANSEL: Hey, I’d be happy to start gnawing on some walls made of STORYTELLER: And one more thing! gingerbread, but I can never seem to find that darn place. 5 JACK: What? 5 GRETEL: That’s because you’re never willing to stop and ask for STORYTELLER: I’m taking your poster down. directions. JACK: Aw, now why would you go and do a thing like that? HANSEL: And just who am I going to ask around here in the deep dark forest? STORYTELLER: You need to clean up your act, or I’ll make sure you never find work in this town again! GRETEL: You could ask me. I know where the house is, and when I 10 was visiting the witch the other day— 10 JACK: All right, all right. I’ll replace the cow. HANSEL: Hold on, hold on. You’ve been having friendly visits with the STORYTELLER: And? witch who’s tried to throw me into her oven? JACK: And I’ll return the things I stole off that stupid giant. GRETEL: Oh, you know she doesn’t ever really mean that. STORYTELLER: And? (JACK mumbles something.) What was that? HANSEL: (Sarcastic.) She doesn’t mean to cook me like a Thanksgiving JACK: I’ll be nice to Ma. 15 turkey? 15 STORYTELLER: Well, now that’s better. GRETEL: Of course not. You’re so dramatic. JACK: Yeah, yeah, I’m outta here. (EXITS, sulking.) HANSEL: I’m dramatic? This from the girl who burst into tears because End of Scene Five she couldn’t find a pair of shoes. Scene Six GRETEL: Hey! They’re my favorite pair, and they go with everything, 20 and besides, they’re comfortable. (Indicates feet.) These are killing STORYTELLER: Well, I’m very disappointed to see that some fairy me! tale characters are not nearly as charming as they’re cracked up to be. I can’t believe I had a poster of that creep! Not to mention HANSEL: Well, why are you wearing those to go traipsing around in the forest? (Gestures to GRETEL’S heels.) 20 a notebook with his picture on them, and… oh, never mind. Let’s move on. (Picks up PRINCESS and the PEA.) The Princess and the GRETEL: Someone has to demonstrate some fashion sense. (Gestures Pea. Well, at this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if the pea wasn’t a 25 to HANSEL’S unfashionable clothing and rolls her eyes.) pea, but instead a rutabaga or something. (Reads, clearly finding it STORYTELLER: Excuse me? tiresome.) “Once upon a time, there was a king and a queen who HANSEL/GRETEL: (Look up at STORYTELLER.) Yes? 25 had a son who was ready for marriage. Since he was a prince, he STORYTELLER: It’s time for me to move on to another story. needed to marry a true princess, but true princesses were very HANSEL: You want us to go? hard to find. The king and the queen looked everywhere…” (KING and QUEEN ENTER, looking down at the ground. KING is dressed 30 GRETEL: Already? sharply in a business suit and polished black shoes, but his outfit STORYTELLER: Yes, please. 30 is the only thing that’s sharp about him. QUEEN wears a skirt, frilly HANSEL: Well, fine with me. C’mon, Gretel, we’re out of here. blouse, and matching jacket. She may also wear a stylish matching GRETEL: Yes, my feminine intuition says it’s time to go. hat on her head since she doesn’t seem to have any brains inside.) HANSEL: Hey, when we get back home, do you think that feminine KING: Now, what was I looking for again? 35 intuition could make me a pastrami sandwich? (GRETEL rolls her QUEEN: Yes, what was it we’re looking for? eyes, tugs on HANSEL’S sleeve, and they EXIT.) 35 STORYTELLER: A princess. End of Scene Four KING: Really? Is that how the story goes? I’d forgotten. QUEEN: And all this time I thought we were looking for someone’s contact.

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Scene Five 1 JACK: Yeah, yeah, everyone knows this part. I give the farmer our 1 STORYTELLER: (Heaves a sigh of relief.) All right, I’m not ready to stinky cow, and he gives me some magical beans. Yada, yada, give up yet. Sure, there’s been some complaining and arguing yada. Mom throws a conniption fit, and she throws the beans out and incredibly irritating behavior so far, but I’m not throwing in the the window. Yada, yada. A stupid beanstalk grows. towel! There are more fairy tales here, and I intend to find one 5 STORYTELLER: That reaches up into the sky, and you bravely decide 5 that I can finish. In fact, I think it’s time for me to read my very to climb. favorite. (Giggles.) I think I might have even had a little crush on the JACK: Yeah, I climb all the way up there, and all I see is this dumb main character. So, I’m going to read, “Jack and the Beanstalk”! giant living in a stupid castle! (Picks up and opens the book.) “Once upon a time, there was a STORYTELLER: And then you see a way to save your mother and boy named Jack who lived with his mother.” Actually, he was a 10 yourself from poverty! 10 very handsome young man. (Looks around hopefully but sees no JACK: (Grins.) Oh, yeah. I forgot about that part. I started stealing one ONSTAGE.) “Jack’s mother knew he was the sweetest, most stuff right out from under that giant’s big ugly nose! That was charming boy who ever lived.” (Looks around again, still sees no pretty cool. one.) “Jack was helpful and kind and always made sure that his mother had everything she needed.” STORYTELLER: Well, yes, but it was for a good cause. 15 JACK: (Stomps ON. Clearly a troublemaker, he wears jeans, t-shirt, and 15 JACK: You bet! I’m buying a Ferrari. a leather jacket.) In other words, she’s driving me crazy! STORYTELLER: That’s what you’re doing with the money you got from STORYTELLER: Jack? selling the magic harp and the hen that laid golden eggs? JACK: Yeah, whaddaya want? JACK: Yup. It’s only a matter of time, and I’ll finally have my own set of wheels. STORYTELLER: Oh, nothing. I just thought— 20 STORYTELLER: And what about your mother? 20 JACK: Thought what? Huh? Thought I’d like living with my mother? Are you kidding me?! She’s so bossy! She makes me milk the JACK: What about her? cow, feed the goats, repair the fence, clip her toenails. I’m always STORYTELLER: Don’t you intend to spend some of the money on her? running around doing some stupid chore, and I don’t even have my JACK: Are you kidding me? She’s on her own. own car, and I’m the star of my own fairy tale! STORYTELLER: (Frowns.) Sooo… let me get this straight. You still live 25 STORYTELLER: Oh, Jack, surely you don’t mind doing things for your 25 at home, you sold a cow for some mysterious beans, you stole mother! It’s clear from the story that you’re helpful and kind and high-dollar items without any remorse, and you intend to leave your sweet. own mother penniless to fend for herself? JACK: Yeah, whatever. JACK: Yeah, gotta problem? STORYTELLER: You know, I saw your interview on Colbert (or some STORYTELLER: Yeah, a big one. I don’t like you anymore. 30 other TV talk show host), and I thought you were so funny when he 30 JACK: Oh, boo-hoo. Get over it, sweetheart. asked you about— STORYTELLER: You’re just not very nice. JACK: (Irritated.) You sure do talk a lot for a storyteller. Why don’t you JACK: Who says I have to be nice, huh? I’m a star. just read the story? That’s your job, isn’t it? STORYTELLER: Well, I plan on telling everyone what you’re really like, STORYTELLER: Oh, yes, of course. But can I just mention that I have because you’re certainly not the sweet, helpful, and kind young 35 a poster of you in my room? Maybe if I brought it in, you could sign 35 man who’s in “Jack and the Beanstalk.” it? JACK: Hey now… JACK: Sure, sure, kid. STORYTELLER: I’m sure there are plenty of directors who would like to STORYTELLER: (Giggles.) Okay, back to your story. “One day Jack went know about your bad attitude. And I imagine the local authorities off to the market to sell the family’s cow, and on the way, he met would like to know about the things you’ve stolen! And I’m certain 40 a farmer.” 40 there are plenty of parents who would never want to read a story

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10 15

16 9

8 17

18 7

20 5

4 21

22 3

2 23

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1 JACK: Definitely. If it wasn’t for you, I’d still be some lazy bum, mooching off my mom. CINDERELLA: And you did re-pile those books fairly neatly. KING: And you helped the queen and I remember our story. 5 GOLDILOCKS: And you helped me to be brave. STORYTELLER: Well, I guess I did do all of that, but this job is just not what I expected. PRINCESS: Nothing ever is. LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: I think that as the storyteller, you’ve been 10 very professional. FIRST PIG: And understanding. SECOND PIG: And flexible. THIRD PIG: And kind. SNOW WHITE: I think with some practice, you’ll know what to do to 15 keep everyone in line. QUEEN: Rapunzel, don’t you have something to say to our dear sweet storyteller? RAPUNZEL: (Huffs and rolls her eyes.) Oh, I suppose the storyteller doesn’t deserve to be fired… today. 20 STORYTELLER: (Sniffles and shrugs shoulders.) Well, I guess I can stay. GRETEL: You have to stay. You’re the fourth storyteller we’ve had this month, and all this turnover is killing us. STORYTELLER: You really think I can do this? 25 BABY BEAR: Absolutely. STORYTELLER: (Brightens and stands up from chair.) Well, maybe if I had some sort of assurance that we’re working together here. (OTHERS begin to huddle together and hold a discussion while STORYTELLER continues.) If I knew that once I started reading 30 these fairy tales, there was a chance I could actually reach the end. That there’d be a resolution, a conclusion, a wrapping up of things. (Looks hopefully at the OTHERS, who turn to face STORYTELLER.) I would really like to know what happened after once upon a time! LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: It’s quite simple, really. 35 STORYTELLER: Really? ALL: They lived happily ever after! STORYTELLER: Oh, of course. Hey! (To AUDIENCE.) I like the sound of that, don’t you? END OF PLAY

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FORMS & TOOLS

Character/Scene Breakdown Audition Application Audition Notes Casting Contact Information Rehearsal Schedule Lighting Cues Sound Cues Props List

[Please feel free to reproduce these forms as needed for your production.]

CHARACTER/SCENE BREAKDOWN

WHAT HAPPENED AFTER ONCE Scene Scene Scene Scene Scene Scene Scene Scene Scene UPON A TIME 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

STORYTELLER X X X X X X X X X CINDERELLA X X RAPUNZEL X X FIRST PIG X X WOLF X X SECOND PIG X X THIRD PIG X X HANSEL X X GRETEL X X JACK X X KING X X QUEEN X X PRINCESS X X LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD X X HAPPY X X DOPEY X X SLEEPY X X SNEEZY X X SNOW WHITE X X DOC X X BASHFUL X X GRUMPY X X GOLDILOCKS X BABY BEAR X X = APPEARS IN SCENE

WHAT HAPPENED AFTER ONCE UPON A TIME AUDITION APPLICATION

Name: Phone:

Male Female Age: Grade:

Parent/Guardian: Phone:

Are you willing to accept any role? Yes No

Which roles are you most interested in? (circle all that apply):

STORYTELLER CINDERELLA RAPUNZEL FIRST PIG

WOLF SECOND PIG THIRD PIG HANSEL

GRETEL JACK KING QUEEN

PRINCESS LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD HAPPY DOPEY

SLEEPY SNEEZY SNOW WHITE DOC

BASHFUL GRUMPY GOLDILOCKS BABY BEAR

Casting Agreement:

I agree to play any role assigned to me without complaint. In doing so, I also agree to wear the costumes, wig, or hairstyle of the director’s choosing.

Student Signature: Date:

Attendance Agreement:

By accepting a role, I agree to attend all mandatory rehearsals and performances for What Happened After Once Upon a Time as deﬁ ned by the rehearsal schedule. I also agree to abide by all theater rules while at rehearsals and performances.

Student Signature: Date:

Parent Agreement:

I understand the commitments required for my child to participate in What Happened After Once Upon a Time, including attendance at all mandatory rehearsals and performances as deﬁ ned by the rehearsal schedule, and agree to support my child’s involvement in this activity by ensuring that they are in attendance when necessary.

Parent Signature: Date:

AUDITION NOTES

Character # of lines

Storyteller 194

Cinderella 22

Rapunzel 27

First Pig 10

Wolf 13

Second Pig 9

Third Pig 5

Hansel 34

Gretel 35

Jack 26

King 17

Queen 21

Princess 8

Little Red Riding Hood 26

AUDITION NOTES CONT. Character # of lines

Happy 12

Dopey 3

Sleepy 3

Sneezy 3

Snow White 9

Doc 3

Bashful 3

Grumpy 6

Goldilocks 23

Baby Bear 5

CASTING

Character Actor

Storyteller

Cinderella

Rapunzel

First Pig

Wolf

Second Pig

Third Pig

Hansel

Gretel

Jack

King

Queen

Princess

Little Red Riding Hood

Happy

Dopey

Sleepy

Sneezy

Snow White

Doc

CASTING CONT.

Character Actor

Bashful

Grumpy

Goldilocks

Baby Bear

CONTACT INFO

Name: Phone: Storyteller Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: Cinderella Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: Rapunzel Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: First Pig Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: Wolf Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: Second Pig Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: Third Pig Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: Hansel Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: Gretel Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: Jack Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: King Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: Queen Parent: Phone: Email:

CONTACT INFO. CONT.

Name: Phone: Princess Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: Little Red Riding Hood Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: Happy Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: Dopey Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: Sleepy Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: Sneezy Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: Snow White Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: Doc Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: Bashful Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: Grumpy Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: Goldilocks Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: Baby Bear Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: Crew Member Parent: Phone: Email:

CONTACT INFO. CONT.

Name: Phone: Crew Members Parent: Phone: Email:

Name: Phone: Parent: Phone: Email:

REHEARSAL SCHEDULE

Sunday Monday Tuesday Wednesday Th ursday Friday Saturday Week 1 Week Week 2 Week Week 3 Week Week 4 Week Week 5 Week Week 6 Week Week 7 Week Week 8 Week

LIGHTING CUES

Page Cue Eﬀ ect Required

SOUND CUES

Page Cue Eﬀ ect Required

PROPS LIST

Location Brought on Page Item Stage Stage Onstage Right L e ft by Actor