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So, you've made it tbis far; all the way to uni again for another year. Or for your first. You've .a •;1 found a clean pair of clotlies, and some bus money, and (be ball-point you're using still bas the S ra '? s u ^ 9 'C string attached where you've ripped it off the cashier in the Administration building. And here CO oa you are sbicic In the ID card line-up, already waist-deep in the academic new year. £s .S -•-•'.; tn B PQ *" «• m At times like this, we all need a bit of moral support. Which is why the first issue of Semper tbis U9 year is loosely dedicated to leisure. This issue, we're Dropping the Science on how to relax: •S S w web-surfiig, slumber parties, fashion, starting riots, drug-selling holidays to Schoolies. We say to the Issue Is tae/y leisure because, well, we don't have the attention spans for a whole edition so in on lust one theme. So we've not articles on some serious stuff as well, like the Bovernment's draconlan cuts to ABSTIIDY. But we do Include advice on scraping ynur [tobacco-use only) water pipe, and lots and lots of good writing about tunes. Oh yeah, and we've got cartoons. e/3 BB SSSS ' t^ "SS S3E/9 - ^m- SSS Actually, this Issue was supposed to be about leisure aofl travei, but all the people we sent over­ seas haven't come back yet. Nor have they mailed us their articles. Never mind. They know who they are. We know who they are, too.

This issue shows what the mainstream media can't give you: smarter looks, sharper words, and a say in everything that goes to pnnt. So contrtbuts. It's the best chance you've got to make a media mark. We live down the stairs from the main refec, opposite the bike repair shop.

Hnally, we'd like to thank our glorious contributors, without whom we'd be nothing but a scur­ rilous rag. Probably worse, actually.

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Somewhere along the way Thorun had picked up a HoJIyv/ood wannabe hiinbo called 4H Mark, who had been convinced by the Movie World advertising that the Gold Coast was his ticket to stardom. Thorun had told him that she was a producer for Pacific Drive and THP ^HolP ^of^lDi ^o«f)l she vvas looking for some new talent for a role as a handsonie-yet-dcadly drug dealer. I'm not sure quite why he believed her, perhaps he was confused by all the late night repeats that appeared between various soporific infomercials for blow up dolls and x- ray sunglasses. The dude was so green he even had his own cut lunch. To be frank, I didn't really care; his "audition" was making us doiiars. We just loaded him up to the eyeballs and sent him out onto the strip to dump the goods on unsuspecting teenagers ; 9i| THF hungry for The Product.

Wall to wall tacky shit. I felt tempted to buy a shirt with 'Gold Coast' written on it in some tcchnicolour scrawl just to fit in. Just so we didn't look so bloody obvious. Some days 1 wonder how I get into these crazy schemes. I'd been sitting on my back verandah contemplating another afternoon smoking cones and attempting to devel­ op the Force when Kenny Phillips called.

"It's happened," he said. "Treasury just cut the Semper budget. No money for those Power Ranger suits...." His voice trailed off. My mouth was diy. "What about..." And let's face it, there were so many of them. Kids who couldn't get alcohol because of "Or the cocaine." licensing laws but who still wanted to get messy. And i think we all know the feeling. 1 first got into drugs because when 1 was underage it was so difficult to get alcohol. So 1 cursed. Bee should be more careful. She knows what happened to the last Union treas­ I'd just score some pot or some acid - cheaper, always available and I never had to worry urer who messed with us. "Well Dave," Kenny mmbled, "no use crying about." And he about being breathalysed. But even then I wouldn't have bought from a was absolutely right. "Creative capitalism, that's what this country was bunch of dodgy looking dudes without references in the Gold Coast mall. built on. Capitalism and enterprise. We'll pick up Thorun, get some trav­ Most of the customers were so naive they were ready to believe our insis­ el beers and go exercise our enter})rise initiative by selling drugs to tence that it was 'good stuff (ever heard a dealer say that it was "bad schoolies on the Gold Coast." stuff'?). These kids were so fresh-faced 1 felt ill. Just one look at their wholesome trusting faces plastered with cheesy 100% Manibo grins and, Nodiing in life is more important than riming, and ours was perfect. gentle reader, I wanted to deck them. Tliey reminded me of those weird Just 90 minutes south of BrisVegas we had a readymade market - religious fi-eaks who knock on my door early on Sunday mornings bunches of kids loaded with cash and hungry for dnigs. They had gath­ promising salvation. I used to just scream abuse but I've mellowed in ered together to celebrate tlie end of their education by getting dnink my old age and now just feed them from the supply of special cookies and trying to get laid. Well, it was time to introduce tliem to the real I keep handy. world. Hours later, having dealt in McDonalds, on the beach, in the cafes and Before we even arrived we could feel the craziness of the place radiaring from the bonnet of a police car (I kid you not), even vve began to suspect out in waves. Surfies, tourists and property developers in white sandshoes wc were pushing our luck. The Coast is the kind of place where luck is and Hawaiian shirts; all looking slightly dazed by the neon lights and everytliing. Lose that and you'll find yourself being kicked out of looking to satisfy their lab-rat-like needs. A couple of hours of tlie Coast Jupiters at three in the morning by two rent-a-cops in bad suits to find treatment and all you're fit to do is wear gold jewellery and shop until you're no longer an acceptable product for the Coast. Don't even try to pull your your credit card melts. You know you have lost it when your eye sockets have tan-lines credit card. If you've lost it, you've lost it. Tlie Gold Coast Association of Honourable and you no longer wince at Ken Done designs. And of course by then it is all too late. Gentleman have your face and your number and probably even your DNA on file We stood out from the zombies like Elvis at the Johnny Young Talent Quest. 1 mean, we and you won't even be able to buy a slurpie. You'll be lucky to get out without being were hardly being subtle. We were in the Cavill Street Mall with a large plastic bag of arrested or finding yourself wearing concrete shoes at the bottom of some canal in a dodgy substances and Kenny, ripped out of his gourd, was running up to the currency reclaimed suburb. exchange vendors demanding that they change three million Russian roubles into U.S. dollars. And of course there were the safari suits. So we split. Wc moved every last drug we had, including the Panadol 1 keep in reserve for the morning after, ignored the desire to buy some Ken Done stuff, piled into the bat- mobile and headed north. Back to Brisvegas, The land where we belonged. We cracked open some travel beers, pumped up the Doctor Octagon tape and breathed a sigh of relief as we entered Brissie through Logan. We may have been in one of the ugliest tran­ sit suburbs in the worid, but we were home.

dc. with thanks to Commander Harrison Biscuit (Ret.) XTN & CO, 2000

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05 SW;;-.).'.

the death

John DeMarchy, bar manager for the Empire Hotel's Press Qub Brunswick St, came to the club with a vision for a better venue. It woi ',^.0 m^^^^ be comfortable, with spacious sofas, and serve quality food and a range of drinks. And there would be music: lots of it, almost all of local Brisbane acts. He spent months building up the venue's reputatiOEffl Tlie musicians loved it: a great space, great ambience, and a manage­ ment sympathetic to their needs. And more and more punters liked it too. The Press Club soon had a reputation for fine local,musicj;Jt*S Sunday evening gigs became a must. , ,. ]: i'v '

All this came crashing down when the Licensing Sqiiad tiraed upi jhere , Tail <^*«Y 5 had been a noise complaint. Several, in fact, from down the rpatL flown the;. road? The new Sun Apartments, you sec. People live.there, and tliey; have ;. exotic climes, or the product of public housing mistakes, like tfieTifzi^fyevelopimeiits in a right to make noise complaints. The Press Qilbsoon foimd itsdf wtKan :- 1960's Melbourne. But the I990's has seen the rapid repopulation of Australian urban ultimatum: stop the music, or else. John was devastated:>^;yil^i^'it;i^^ centres. This has been partly a result of municipal policies to encourage urban residential have been easier sticking in a bunch of pokies - or a strip'diub^'-WCb??^ redevelopment. However, the demand for inner-city flats is real. And developers have a venue embracing both live music and it's crowd. 1 cant^^gljr.roi^ been clamouring to cash in on that demand. the change that has happened here just by taking away thel^MtiifimCjfft^T But what happens when tiiese developments impinge on other people's livelihoods? The music has gone because of the way the licensing and noise^layra^"***'''' The Empire Hotel, for one, wanted to know more about why the music had to stop. currently. Anyone, in fact any one person, can basically shut"^' They decided to take some sound readings of their own. It turned out that in the four Sun entire venue by making complaints to the relevant authorities. The] apartments they measured, ambient noise between 8 and 10am and between 5 and 7pm works like this: the complaint is made, the Licensing Squad take reaS always exceeded the BdB limit. Why was this? Was it because the Sun Apartments arc not and if noise from a venue is more than eight decibels {8 dB) above bi^ properly sound-proofed? ground levels, then they have a legal ability to get the noise stopped. Now, in this case, the background noise levels were measured at 4am, and the Sound-proofing an entire apartment building is expensive. But then, so is providing ade­ Press Club didn't exceed that limit in terms of absolute noise, but only in quate plumbing and drains. You don't need architectural training to work out that an certain frequencies. Never-the-less, that was enough. Another space for live apartment building smack in the middle of Brunswick St needs sound-proofing to at least music had disappeared. Will the rest of the Valley be next? the level required by the Australian Standard. But the temptation for developers to cut comers is perennial. Knowing this, the Empire Hotel obtained a court order from the Sun Fortitude Valley is Brisbane's hot-lab. It's the site of much of our youth Apartments' developers - the Miller Property Corporation - before the building was even culture: fashion, music, dance, art and eating. Hie fact that I probably] built, specifying that Australian Standards of sound proofing would be met. don't need to tell you this gives you an idea of how important the Valley 1 is to the culture of Brisbane's young people. Sure, the city has clubs, butj The Empire now alleges that the order was ignored. The whole subject is now the subject will you sec original music there? Local DJ's? What about important of a court case. But the evidence seems clear: if Australian Standards of sound proofing touring bands? Tliere haven't been venues catering to those tastes since had been met, those apartments would not be over their noise limits, and the residents the demise of Babble-On. All of which is to reiterate: the Valley is vita and Valley punters would all be much better off. to Brisbane's youth culture. The issue is especially important because this same Miller Property Corporation is in the But the Valley is changing. Since the early 1990's, the Valley, like all o^ process of redeveloping the McWhirter's shopping complex for apartments. Nowhere is Brisbane's inner suburbs, lias felt the strong winds of rising property val­ the utter lunacy of the situadon more evident than in the chilling images of stylish young ues and the attendant development such rises inevitably bring. yuppies in the advertising campaign being mn for the McWhirter's project. One look at the Master Race of young, beautiiul white people, lapping up the lifestyle that this veiy Alongside this growth has been the rise in popularity of a new concept to development will terribly threaten, is enough to send you into a cold sweat. There's even Australian cities: urban apartment living. High density urban housing has a shot of them shopping at the Brunswick St markets, despite all being dressed in design­ never been warmly embraced in Australia, the quintessentially suburban, er streetwear. Who is this race of young models who dress their kids in cargo pants and nation. Such housing was once seen as the preserve of Manhattan or other! skate shoes? The only non-white face is of a frowning Asian giri serving drinks at a bar. 006 But the problem here goes beyond unscrupulous developers. Ultimately, it's an issue about plan­ ning, and the right of citizens to use noise laws to complain about venues they knew about when they moved in. There is a real sense in which live original music venues serve a common good, by supporting the local musicians that add so much to our quality of life - as well as our economy through the recording and hospitality industries. If state and citj^ poliricians are seri­ ous about fostering local culture, then a solution that protects their venues needs to be found.

An immediate improvement would be to raise Australian apartment building's sound-proofing standards to US and European levels. Another would be to grant Councils the authority to enforce adequate sound-proofing, even after buildings have been built. Finally, Councils and iVv Governments might grant exemptions from some types of noise complaints inside a designat­ ed zone. The Valley Music Council, a group of concerned venue proprietors, argues the Valley should be such a Designated Entertainment Zone.

'S.''N* ' We can also give the politicians a nudge in the right direction, by writing to them and telling them what we think. There's a Brisbane Mayoral election coming up; and perhaps a State one LVi as well. Queensland Arts Minister Matt Foley has stood up in Pariiament and applauded the exploits of ARIA-winning Queenslanders like Powderfinger. But is he serious about protecting the places where bands can play?

Planning decisions have consequences, and town planners are used to allowing for the effect on a cities' physical infrastructure of new developments. But the things that make a city "liveable", in Lord-Mayor Jim Soorly's favourite phrase, are more complex than ferries and drains. Part of what makes a citj' liveable is its cultural infrastructure: the quality of its art galleries, say, or the ability' to go and see a really good band. A city without these becomes, for many young people, not ver\' liveable at all. ^^___^^^_^^_ (**?*

^^Jl 1,-i- ben cithain and thorun oddson^H^^^^IHI

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Architect Mr Speer shows clients the plans-h

)USIC+ 007

:-,Xi4i In 1998 I was selected as the first Australian to become one of four Fellowship holders of a six month Fellowship programme conducted by the office of the High Commissioner for Human Indigenous Rights. The Fellowship is financed through the United Nations Voluntary Fund for the International Decade of the World's Indigenous Rignls People. government's 1998 amendments to the Native Title Act. This decision 254 wa:, made under the so-called early warning and early action procedure, and For 1999 there was a man selected from the Even people of the Sakha prompted harsh criticism firomth e AustraUan government, which condemned Republic in Russia, a man from the Biak people of West Papua which, is on the . CERD's participation in "complex domestic political debate involving rcconcih.)- border of Papua New Guinea and a woman from the Sami people of Sweden. I tion of diverse legitimate interest." . am from the Waka Waka people in South East Queensland and grew up in Hcrvcy Bay. As a part of my training here at the UN I have been able to follow the CER; debate quite intensively. After attending the August CERD committee mcciii ; The Fcliov/ship programme is designed to assist indigenous people in the this year it was obvious that the expert members of the committee, with the:' acquisition of skills and knowledge necessary to utilise the extensive and com­ wide-ranging experience in law, politics, diplomacy and human rights are con.- plex structure of the human rights mechanisms available to indigenous people petent enough to understand the complexity of the land debate in Australia, at the inlcrnational level. This is not entirely focussed on the United Nations They are more than able to "understand" the complexity of the legislation structure and United Nations agencies such as the Intemational Labour including the diverse legitimate interest, and also have a definite mandate to Organisation (ILO) or ihc World Health Organisation (WHO); non-governmen­ investigate Australia's shortcomings in carrying out its obligations under ilic tal organisations and their role in the UN human rights system are also treaty. Personally, I find it truly amazing that the Australian government can addressed. For example, wc spent a month with a Swiss Geneva-based organi­ make such a statement when its general popiilaciedb^ not understand the com­ zation called Intemational Service for Human Rights. plexity of the indigenous land situation. Rather; the;gdyemment was almost appreciative of One Nation's Hansonitesimpiification of the complex issue, as it Having completed three university vacations of summer legal experience with diverted attention away from thereahty of tiie injustice pf their amendments. the ATSIC Commercial Law branch in Canberra, as well as working part time as a Legal Officer for the Foundation for Aboriginal Islander Research Action, In general, my experience at the UN has shown me tfaatthe attitude of first (FAIRA) in Brisbane during my Law degree, my knowledge in the field of .world nations is to see the UN*s hnmaii rightejrole a^^^^^ third world native title and intellectual property satisfied such a requiremerit: ,. • v : . goyemments and their human rights violations. MeJudwhilc, first world coun­ tries justify their own human rights abuses undo: the guise of stable capitalist The UN human rights treaty system and it's relevance to Australia democracies. It is just and fair that nations like Australia and the United Suites The United Nations human rights system is extremely detailed and complex. attract higher expectations and standards that they should attempt to live up to. There are numerous human rights treaties'or complex. There are numerous ,. - It Would be unrealistic to judge Australia on similar grounds to countries like human rights treaties or conventions th^t;attempt to cover the major problems Colxmibia or Kosovo. affecting humanity in modem society. Jfiese problons are largely a result of post-colonialism or an attempt by theUN to: prevent the reoccurence of world­ Personal reflections wide conflict. As a result there are'many-bodies established for the purpose of While the United Nations experience has been excellent, and will assist me the administration, implementation and tttonitbjtiiig of the treaties. greatly in intemational law, my time in Geneva has enabled me to carefully reflect upon the situation in Australia. For Australia, the most relevant and^nbf^Mfi^^oiJ' y at present is the Committee on the Elimination of RacJif^ilCTwlnatioNation (CERD). ThiT s body From the outset 1 would say that 1 am a very proud AustraUan citizen and as an administers the Intemational Convenflti^^m^ n

. SHALL »E f Virt WJ fmtl. FW4Y. • SHALL EE ri •WUACt tVVHC H*Hlllt£ ^ ^ lUikmiurtf j.L ti'.urn 3)1 . _. ARREST, tt»iii! \''>ty:.K Kf.dio hiirif m>; rttii I inii r<>l'!Mllitt» a "•*'T.r^JTr^:cv«t.w Hit m JUCHT H^i \*,iK.u,utv^HT 1, * UIH.T.W u»iiT K rut UK THL ri6HT ,^^^S THE WHT T^ ' Dr*(ii«i juu^ni. rin t««TlTUTiMlUTU«. THE &\m >^IMlU&J \l^ HAtl»HAUTY, LAW vote Labor and who vote Liberal. Some are patriotic, many are not, many practice traditional ways, many do not, many hate ATSIC, others do not. Many arc the products of intermarriage and therefore live within two cultures. This is often overiooked by many Australians. Rather the easiest task for a human mind is to generalise a group and talk in terms of stereotypes.

A colleague at the UN, surprisingly an indigenous woman, berated me for my passionate support for my national team during the cricket Worid Cup. This highlighted to me the nonsensical yet extremely complex situation of the indigenous identity. I support Australia in cricket because I love the sport and it is in my country. My brothers are all excellent cricketers and all indigenous. The notion that I should not be proud of the Waugh brothers because the sport belonged to the country that colonised us and wiped out many of my ancestors is arguable. However as an indigenous woman unique in my indi­ vidual experience of life, I find it absurd. Perhaps it is as absurd to me as my obsession with the Australian cricket team is absurd to many indigenous Australians. We are all shaped by individual experience and that is what makes the race and reconciliation debate in Australia such a difficult exercise. There is no one generic indigenous Australian, nor is there one language like Maori in New Zealand; there are many opinions and views.

It is rather meaningless and futile at this stage of Australia's nationhood to continually argue the indigenous issue with reference to sweeping generalisa­ tions and media-influenced rhetoric about the welfare mentality of blacks, while failing to menrion the similar mentality of many white Australians. The indigenous community is as diverse as the white community, a basic concept that seems to escape many loud negative voices in the race debate. It was only in 1967 that indigenous Australians were given the right to vote. The period of the acquisition of basic civil rights for indigenous Australians has been brief.

The inability of many people to understand the concept of living and adapt­ ing between cultures is at the core of the conflict that continues to this day. The human mind is stubborn when it comes to understanding and yet under­ standing could give the reconciliation debate greater emphasis than the extraction of a useless token gesture - like the so-called apology. The situa­ tion can improve with education, not just for blacks but predominantly for whites. We need to change a culture of thinking. We need to start thinking. But it is known that it is dangerous for the masses to have to think for them­ selves without the childish slogans of politicians, political parties or the Courier-Mail. Because then the newspaper circulations and television ratings of third-class news broadcasts would certainly drop. And the people would begin to seriously question the decisions of government.

Until then the indigenous debate remams open to sensational and generalised propaganda. And for the current conservative government, who have upgrad­ ed land titie for their families and friends to full ownership -without an uproar from the average landless citizen - this is exactiy the way the world BOOK MOW OMmMI'MGE 136 246 -5Miilwai" d Btovjn should be. Megan Davis- UN Office High Commissioner for Human Raights. UN Office High Commissioner for Human Rights.

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_+ I want to talk a little bit about zines. These little journals, tiiese fleeting docu­ CD ments witii tiny print mns, have revolutionized writing in a way few have addressed. 5,000 years after writing was invented, but only a hundred since our CO society organized itself so all could leara to read, zines have taught those who CO are willing to listen how much verse we have inside us. As Marx pointed out last century, there is a hunger within all of us for expression. But il has not been until our centuiy, indeed not until after the second worid war, that tech­ nology put within reach of neariy all of us the ability to create published works 0 of art. The resulting avalanche of creativity is humbling. It should put paid once and for ail to the high art / low art divide. We need not abandon our crit­ ical faculties to recognize there is artistry in the simplest zine about Star Wars and that the best zines are some of the best written works of our time.

Zines have a form, just like rock has a form and novels have a form and so do super-hero cartoons. The best zines can teach us things, just as the best novels have, and the best multi-media soon will. The purest zines are mono-maniac; one topic periodicals documenting the zealous obsessions of their authors. There are zines about anything at all. The best of them are often the best source of information available on a topic, even if this topic is Star Trek figurines. But zines can teach us far more than the details of consumerism. For they are stud­ ies in the collectors urge. Indeed, zines themselves have become collectable. Zines are profoundly micrological: they are glimpses into the wondrous tiny universes of people's lives. The vast number of personal journals photocopied and mailed out to become zines should confirm this; but even the driest one- topic zinc can be a magnificent joumey into the excesses of the flawed human mind.

For mono-mania is as much about mania as it is about the obsession with a certain one thing. Zines teach us energy, love of detail, passionate particulars. They celebrate obsessions, and in no better way than this do they show their kinship with literary terrain. For literature is obsessive as well. Ail great writ­ ers have a theme, a centre about which they revolve in eccentric orbit. The best of them spiral closer to it, gradually zero in on the essence, the very truth of the theme they pursue; while the less great often spin outwards, further and further away. So said Blanchot, and 1 think he was right.

Zines are about giving in a way that traditional publishing has for centuries left behind. There are of course non-profit publishers, but a zine is not like a free book. Receiving a zine is in fact vastiy different from being given a book. Even a zine that you pay for is always a gift, for the zine retains tiie spirit of the letter, and letters have always been gifts. (This is a subtle difference of e- zines not noticed by some, but in trutii it should be obvious: the zine is the tiniest narrow-cast, mailed out to a hundred or two, while the web is an evolv­ ing data consciousness, available to hundreds of millions.) It is the hand-craft­ ed elements tiiat always prove touching and real: hand-printed pages, stars instead of A's on tiie envelope, bits of cut-up polaroid tiiat fall unexpected from a page, h is precisely this lack of mechanical reproducibility hat gives zines tiieir coUectability, and ensures their cult popularity even in a digitizing age. This is the paradox of tiie zine: it depends on the democratic technology of the photocopier, and yet this technology has been used to create a new craft. The zine is tiie industrial revolution in reverse: it is tiie putting-out system emerg­ ing from the factory floor. The word "zinc" is a shortening of "fanzine", a word coined to refer to the thrives on telling the real stoiy of particular clubs or leagues: criticising many small and curious pamphlets earnestly distributed by ardent follow­ players and managers mercilessly that the papers of Murdoch refuse to ers of pop music groups. And this gives a hint of one of the baldest of touch. fanzine discoveries: that criticism was for ordinary people to. Nowhere docs the revolution in 20th century education become more In other words, these I'acets of the zine - their wonder­ apparent than in the creation of a whole critical cul­ ful democracy, craft and philosophy of (he gift, their ture, published in 500 print runs. Criticism has always enthusiasms and resolute mono-mania, their rediscov­ been a rarefied exercise, carried out in monasteries and ery of criticism for - have much to teach us about pub­ universities, or by men like Arnold and Eliot who lishing in this new time. Zines inform my philosophy belonged to an educated elite. Fanzines ignore these of what I think Semper should be, my quiet experiment traditions. Indeed, for the things that fanzines criti­ in rethinking what Semper can become. Semper is not cised, traditions as such didn't exist. Before there were a zine. But Semper has a very special audience to cultural studies departments at universities, there were which it can say special things. 1 think it is time the fanzines devoted to popular art. traffic ran both ways. Contribute to Semper articles about your obsessions. You may help us break new Fanzines have shown us new critical perspectives in ground. their insistence on subjectivity and knowledge of their texts. To criticise fanzines for narrowness is very much to miss the key point, and fanzines tend to balance any narrowness with the critical insight gained from the extremely close reading of their texts. These qualities - close reading and a deep and factual knowledge of the text - are precisely those so often miss­ ing from academic criticism as it's practiced today. Ben Eltham

Fanzines are also oppositional: many punk zines, for example, were start­ ed to redress the misunderstandings of the mainstream musical press. As alternative punk organs like Maximum Rock'n'Roll have themselves acquired more status, alternatives to the alternatives have multiplied and flourished. There is a rapidly growing football zine culture in Britain, which

YOU HAVE TO STOP LETTING I MEAN, THOSE COPS, NOW, WHAT WE DONT SEE IS THE THAT TREE SNARE YOU BY THE BEATING THAT KID...? THEY'RE YEARS OF EASY ARRESTS AS HE NECK EVERY TIME YOU'RE CON­ PLANNING FOR THE FUTURE... GETS TOO ANGRY TO THINK FUSED... STRAIGHT... WHERE ARE YOU GOING? 011 ^WB^ don't know how to start this, to try to describe the past few I got stuck in this weird reality, and it took me a while to get out, I don't actu­ years of my illness - it's kinda like letting you into my head, which ally even know if 1 am out, but I know I'm not so afraid any more, 1 know that has been fiicked up for a while now. The early warning signs were I can function, or appear to function, with some level of normality these days. there, and I guess witii that wonderful gift of hindsight we're all able I know I'm not trying to slit my wrists any more, or swallowing pills in some to work things out with a bit more clarity. desperate last cry for help. Usually the help I got was never tiie kind of help I wanted. Stays inside really scary hospital wards, where everyone was sex 1 usually tell people that 1 had a nervous breakdown, sometimes I add that I had deprived and talked a lot, smoked a lot, slept a lot. Where I cried all day, when a problem witii drugs, but usually I just say that I was "sick". It's easy that way my father came to visit I would beg him to take me home with him. But once - not so many strange looks, not so many judgments, not so many turnarounds an old friend came to see me, he saw what it was like in there and told me he in level of respect or friendship. You see, to be young and appear pretty nor­ was taking me home, I was so scared and confused I cried and cried, telling him mal in most respects - and to have a mental illness plus a history of drug abuse that I couldn't possibly leave tiie hospital. Weird. ... well, it alters peoples' perception of you. There is a shit load of stigma float­ ing around. When 1 first started taking my medication, 1 absolutely lived for those little white pills. At one stage I was on 12 a day They were my security blanket; Most people are cool witii it, my friends like who I am, they know what I'm whenever I felt like my brain was distorting, or tiiat chill of fear, followed by about and where I've been, they know that sometimes I have bad days and that visual disttirbances which signalled an hallucination, I took a pill. 1 had ones 1 tend to cry a lot. But then you always get the dirt kicked in your face when to make me sleep, ones to keep me awake, ones to make me happy, ones to bal­ you least expect it - that woman at work spreading mmours that you're a ance my mood, some to take away anxiety, some to keep my tiioughts from junkie; my oldest school friend who deserted me, telling me 1 was a hopeless "distorting" and some to combat tiie side-effects ft-om all tiie otiier pills. fuck-up - "just get your shit together" - when I called her once at two in the morning, crying witii no way out, needing help; the next door neighbour who I had lost any sense of living in reality - tiiere was no reality as far as I was refiised to talk to me while I was having a really hardcore hallucination, leav­ concerned, only different destinations inside my mind. Looking back, it really ing me to walk to streets, trying to find my parents' house so 1 would be safe; feh like I was drowning. Like 1 was dumped by a huge breaker, tumbling the "friends" who never really understood just why 1 couldn't smoke pot with around m the darkness, so confitsed tiiat 1 lost my perception of what was up them; the people who think I'm crazy. and what was down. So tiiat it was impossible to tell whetiier you were swim­ ming to tiie surface or swimming into tiie deptiis. There was a time when I was so scared, so frightened I couldn't leave tiie house, so paranoid I wouldn't take my dog for a walk around the block -1 just stayed in bed, chain smoking, hoping the worid would go away. 012 +mental health IV^^ bouts of depression two times; once in my teenage years and Then you go some way putting yourself into the shoes of someone who suffers once just in the past year. In botii cases, whilst hindsight can mark from depression, anxiety, or some other mental illness. Any mental illness out some dear warning signs, the onset was fairly sudden and left no involves some distortion of reality by the brain in a way that impairs our doubt that the state of my mind had suffered an abrupt and dramat­ everyday functioning. Perhaps it could be described as a disability to put things ic shift. in perspective.

This last time it happened while I was overseas. It felt as though a giant screw Maybe it's a by-product of the duality of western thinking, but there's no doubt in my head fell out with a "plonk", unleashing such a rush of feelings that they that mental illness is a taboo subject. Somehow a broken ann means a sympa­ seemed uncontrollable. My emotional state plunged into a cycle that was some­ thy card whereas a student who has an anxiety attack right before an exam just what predictable. Each day I'd wake up at a very early hour feeling panicked 'can't hack it'. (For those in the mind-body separatist camp, consider this: most and despairful. I would take a long walk before breakfast, as though somehow mental illness involves a variety of physical symptoms, and conversely, pat­ if I walked fast enough and long enough 1 could escape the muck in my head. terns of thinking can greatly aid the process of physical healing.) During the day I'd come up with some idea to escape the problems I was fac­ ing in my life; often the same idea I'd had two or three days before. This idea would carry me into a rosy fantasy worid, but as soon as I found a flaw in it, however tiny, the whole thing came crashing down in tears. At the end of the means new friends, new day I sometimes found peace in the exhaustion from all the physical and emo­ then, that many of us tional energy I'd expended. at one point oTanother'ena''up seeking professional help for depression and other mental afflictions. For some of that many this will in turn mean being prescribed anti-depressants. We arc supplied by our union and other sources a This depressive cycle took its toll, and without realizing I'd lost a substantial plethora of infonnation on illicit drugs and their effects on our body. By reli­ amount of weight. I tried Prozac but I stopped taking it after a few days able sources we are advised to be as well-informed as possible when making because the side effects seemed worse than my illness. One morning a week choices about our illicit dmg consumption. Yet, ironically while for illegal later I was found collapsed in my room, from a virus that took advantage of drugs we can be good at educating ourselves, for prescription dmgs we are the lack of food and sleep I'd been getting. often prepared to follow blindly the advice of our (sometimes fallible) general practitioner. 1 returned home and recuperated physically and began the joumey of my emo- fional recovery - a joumey that involves meditation, cognitive behavioural The autliority of a doctor gives us a sense of security that we are doing the right therapy, self-discovery as well as anti-depressants. Someunies 1 feel fmstrated thing. Yet for every drug it is our choice whether to take it or not. And while a when I compare things now to how they were before 1 began to break down. However I've leamt it's a misleading goal to strive to be exactly how I was before. After all, that old way of being couldn't have been working that well or I wouldn't have got myself into such a mess. And I enjoy exploring my spir­ itual self, which I'm finally giving myself the option to do.

u AT |IMil¥i^RSiTY You're walking across the great court, and you bump into someone you're quite happy to see. They tell you they can't stop to talk right now because they're mnning late for something. You really wanted to speak v/ith them. Do you:

(a) Shrug it off, and make a mental note to arrange to meet them for coffee when they're less busy. (b) Have a suspicion that perhaps they weren't really telling the truth, and distance yourself from them slightly. (c) Conclude that nobody has time for you because nobody thinks you're worthwhile.

Many of us, being completely honest, could have either three of these respons­ es depending on the circumstances and our mood! Written down in print the inationality of [c] is easy to see. But imagine believing [cl more often than you normally would - say, almost all of the time. Imagine, in fact, that the part of your brain that successfully identifies this, and many other thoughts as irra­ tional was malfunctioning in some way. Imagine if, although you desperately wanted to, you couldn't convince yourself of anything else. 013 '•y^ p7'-i^ ">. /,*.•.- doctor can no doubt give us invaluable advice on drugs, we may too readily ;.SefeKii^i|i!;^i6n4.belp'&£ w ^lippoxtr^.. r'i^'f^vg ^h/''.'^--'^^''"::/;. hand over complete responsibility for the well-being of our bodies. So vou think you^need a pychiatrist or psychologist? Once you decide to l4|^tftttjilrhioift:irtiJa' ^ loAcall ttte||)y^6r''tfpMcilifi|lherapt^at^ldPag "^ y you will probably find One of the main and sticking criticisms of modern medicine is its lack of a ^ouf a%w thingl^rettf qufcJcly. Firstly,' thek is no way you'll ever be able holistic approach. There exist dozens of specialists that are experts on each of to afford die bills while you are still a student. And secondly, the waiting our components, but may ignore the interaction between. This is especially trae lists for specialists are longer than any of your anxiety attacks have ever when it comes to psychiatry. felt.

One of the best ways to receive the full benefits of your prescribed medication So what do you do? Well maybe you could ask your family to help out, or at is to be well informed. Read the brochures that come with the medicarion, talk least find out if they have medical insurance. If you don't feci comfortable to your GP (preferably one who knows you quite well), talk to your specialist doing that there are a couple of options. If you've got no money, contact your and speak with the pharmacist when you pick up your tablets. But don't just local mental health clinic or public hospital, they willl help or at least tell you take their word for iL Do your own research, on the web, in the library, in your who can help. If the waiting lists are too long, your referring doctor can Ic; mum's medical books - there is plenty of info out there, you can be knowledge the speciali-st know that it is urgent. - after all it is your brain and your life. Unfortunately there is not much around in the way of support for young peo­ Another thing to remember about anri-depressants, or any psycho-active ple with mental illnesses. Basically you have to find it in your circle of friend.s drugs, is that they don't work as well simply on their own. You really should and family. You find out pretty quickly who understands and who doesn't . back them up with a general "coping strategy", productive therapy, coun­ Then it's easy to figure out who you should distance yourself from for a while selling, and any other method that helps you deal with things best. There and who will be invaluable to your healing process. A lot of it comes down to are other options to take, not just medication. who you trust.

Most advice suggests that if you are do decide to begin a course of medication, Research by Thorun Oddsson and Nick Cavanagh do so on the recommendation of a specialist. Otherwise go with a GP who has known you for some time, like a family doctor.

The Ten Trip Saver ticket. The easiest way to get going.

Imagmc hopping on a Brisbane bus or ferry. Imagine nol having to search for the right change or ask the driver if he/she has change for a large note. Now imagine simply swiping your new Ten Trip Saver lickci and getting ten of those convenient trips but only paying for eight. What a saving! Bui then why imagine when you can gel your Ten Trip Saver ticket from any Brisbane Transport lickci agent. For service information phone Translnfo on 13 12 30.

014 why is this page empty? because you didn't contribute, our next deadline is the 25th of february. for more info, come and see us at the semper office or email us at uqsemper® hotmail.com Caeh issue, Semper invites a hlghiy qualified expert to^give •><'st-yejs^t f^. \i 'affe we k^:^

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Lesson One: The Protest: static protests: are demonstrations where you don't move. They have Even if you are not crusading to save the world, the benefits of some well the advantage of being easier to organise, and allow you to have greater con­ placed Direct Action can be substantial. The library may well waive your over­ trol over things such as media participation. Static protests can vary a great due fines rather than face the prospect of twenty dirty studenis on a three day deal. To illustrate the differences I'll discuss the Rally and the Occupation. hunger strike. Although organising a protest can seem daunting, all that's real­ ly needed is a sociopathic outlook and some zombie minions. But if you don't The Rally is the simplest form of protest, and is essentially passive. At the have any of those, the hints that follow may help. most basic level, you just print a bunch of flyers and hope people turn up, A more sophisticated version involves seeding (he crowd with a core of loyal The first thing to do is clarify what it is you are protesting. Looting, rioting and minions who cheer during your speeches and generally act to encourage the general lawlessness are lots of fun, but what makes a protest stand out from emergence of a mob mentality these family activities is the issue. Of course the trick is to get people to take you seriously Obviously anybody can get the public's attention when You also need to think about hardware - inflammatory banners, John Howard they're protesting the dumping of nuclear waste. The sign of a real effigies to burn, and a PA system to make speakers heard. Next on provocateur is getting the public's attention when you are protesting the the list is the venue. Is it large enough to accommodate quality ol the refectory food. Firstly, ask yourself if you can explain the your expected crowd? What effect will the issue to someone else in a sentence or less. If the issue you have cho­ weather have? Wiil the police arrest ^ ^\ sen is too complex to be a soundbite, then give up now, you're doomed. you for trespass? \s^ ac W^ V)\e ^ •vUe< Getting the masses for the demonstrations can be a problem. a The Sexy issues draw crowds like a fourteen year old boy draws a 0© Occupation is Christian Brother, but if your issue isn't sexy you may have to almost identical to the Rally resort to bribery to encourage attendance at your rallies. except it takes place at the sight of Alternatively you could start a cult. the issue being protested - the foyer of a com­ pany, the toxic waste dump or in the Dean's Office. The The Media Occupation is normally resisted, and the authorities often At all stages media coverage should be a priority If you can't become involved in removing the demonstrators. In this case generate friendly PR, then generate any PR. Remember you might want to consider chaining or bike-locking your protest­ most joumalisls are lazy Arts students by training, and plagia­ ers to items that are difficult to remove, such as trees. Remember rism is easier than writing new copy. With that in mind, make up all of the points that apply to a Rally also apply to an Occupation. a press release stating your grievance, and your cleariy- The media presence is especially important, as you can often get a planned course of action. Try to make the media's life as easy lot of public sympathy from images of your peaceful protesters as possible. Give them the details of a liaison to be contacted for being arrested by the fascist police. further information, and let them know when to expect the next press release. At the protest, give them space to set up, and if Mobile actions: don't occur in a single spot. They are harder to you haven't organized a specific person as your media liai­ organise, but can have much greater visibility, and can channel son, a committed activist with a megaphone is a suitable participants towards your objective. Again i'll use two different substitute. examples of mobile protests, the March and the Raid. Protests can be divided into two categories: static and mobile. The March is in some ways S'mila^jjjgjie Rally You get your pro­ testers togethgi^ire them up, aWmen walk from where you started, to son|Wiere else. Your-tJostin^ion can be the target of ^

As your action, or the site of another protest (such as a Rally), fvlarches are highly visibly especially if you chose to travel through a busy urban area, and are almost guaranteed to attract media attention.

The Raid is especially suitable lo issues that are not visible to the public. The ani­ mal rights dudes have over the years conducted some highly successful raids on battery hen farms and vivisection labs. Legal names for the Raid include break­ ing and entering, trespass and criminal damage or vandalism. Because of this a Raid should be planned with special care.

Firstly, ask yourself if you are prepared to be arrested. If not, take steps to preserve your anonymity Do the planning with people you trust, who will keep their mouth shut and who will be conducting the raid with you. Your media involvement should be han­ dled carefully, as any information pro­ Well organised media can turn vided can be used as evidence against an embarassing farce you.

Gain as much intelligence as possible on your target. For example, if it is a building, what floor do you want? What is the floor plan? Do they have private security, do they switch the elevators off at night? If you can, visit your target for an innocent reason and gain this information. Alternatively follow an employee to a bar on a Friday afternoon, and seduce them. If you pick the right employee, they may be persuaded to reveal security details or allow you to make copies of keys {I recommend watching some of the early Bond films for tips; just about every Bond girt goes through James' wallet at some point).

Legal Issues There is nothing like seeking the advice of a tame Law student before you do any of these actions. Marches and Rallies in Queensland are covered by the Peaceful Assembly Act 1992, which recognises the democratic right to protest, so long as you aren't a danger or imposing on the freedom of others. Seeking authorisation from the relevant authorities can be self defeating for actions such as a Raid, so reading the Police Powers and Responsibilities Act 1997 will tell the deal for when you get arrested. There are others, so like I said, find a Law student who can give you a more detailed description of the rules and regs, or at least point you in the Into a gratifying and exciting right direction. And make sure THEY know what you're capable of. media circus. ..Cl ' • l.p.i-^'.t^'*-''""

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To be honest I was quite looking forward to a bit of chaos. The power fading over the city, a mob of angsty youths (that's you) roaming the streets, setting cars and small scuttling furry things alight, raiding a few 7-Elevens for the last dregs of the coke slushie machine! I am sure it would have been all very entertaining until the baked bean supply ran out or you realised you forgot to purchase that essential can opener. A calamity to be sure! However the thought of seeing large bfokish men being reduced to beating tinned goods over a large rock seems rather amusing to me. Ha Ha Ha...oh...

Happy Hanukkah, horse-hockey and bah humbug to what must be the largest global let down in human history. Though I am positive that Y2K-mart made a tidy bundle out of the whole thing! Not to say that a great time was not had by all 2000 revellers in harmonious celebration of the almost- beginnings of a new century and all that gaff, but you have to wonder why Brisbane was the only city not shown on the millennium-round-the-world-TV-fireworks-display-coverage! Lack of finale? Umm....

You'd have thought that at least one fundamentalist dooms-day cult would have done the apoca­ lyptic suicide pact thing! Consigned to hell and damnation for all eternity. How inconsiderate! And all those strange Americans stock-piling and hiring guns for the new years celebrations only to find they never got the opportunity to blow someone away. You hire a video you watch it, you hire a gun and well... How terribly disappointing! Well there is always next year.

Perhaps Movie World could open a new adventure Y2K ride! You step inside and a voice tells you to hand over all your valuables and wallet to the attendant to ensure that you don't crash; the ride has so many options to choose from and everyone else is telling you exactly what you should do; it feels like you are on a roller coaster, and you don't know If you will ever get off. Then just before the climax, the ugly lights flash on abruptly and you are promptly shown the exit, with no money for a Dagwood dog, nor even an edible hotchip cup, thrown back into the harsh light of reality.

I don't know about you but I have eaten my entire stockpile of food to prove that I am over this droll concept. It's amazing what you can do with spats in oil, a box of homebrand Cornflakes and tinned margarine. A communal *Bite Me' to the millennium-bug is in order, lets have no further talk of that silly marketing phrase until someone promises you something and doesn't deliver 'Oh that's so Y2K'. Exhaustively lame! As we now live in the 21st C, we can finally stop talking about the 60's - With enough support Tamara Tonight may actually win the upcoming for God's sake. Damn Hippies! I think we can also safely move on Council Election. Maybe Tamara and Mr. Sorely could swap jobs. Jimbo from tie-dye, people!! might look just as good in a frock. Oh Bite Me! - like we don't already have a bitchy queen running local government, If you hear anyone calling 2000 'the noughtles' you have my permission to strike him or her repeatedly with a gargantuan sea bass. - 2O0O is the 'Year of No Fear'! So go on that date! Hack a government web site! Spam your local MP! Demand new designer drugs! Boys AquaMarine may or may not make a huge comeback in the fashion pop on that frock and tell the world you are a queen! Don't be afraid to worid. try a real spiced ham burgeri

Channel 7 will continue to broadcast a range of shitty 'DIY-WORLDS - You will at one stage during this year find yourself at 'The Beat' danc­ WORST' bollocksey programs for the rest of the century. Oh god nol ing like a mad bitch till at least Sam. After a few glowing gin and tonics you will also find yourself requesting a Spice Girls medley to remember 10 sorry make that 9 handy phrases of sarcasm for 2000 courtesy of the good OLE days! spam-mail: - Shoulder pads are safely a thing of the past. Anyone seen wearing them 1. Youl... Off my planet! should be immediately disposed of. Show no mercy! 2. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. 3. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup - There will be yet another millennium celebration at the end of 2000 as 4. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. the calculator welding; math geeks desperately attempt to convince the 5. Too many freaks, not enough circuses. worid that we are nothing till the zero turns to one. Bite Me! 6. Nice perfume. l\/lust you marinate in it? 7. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done. If you are not doing an I.T degree you will probably be sold on the 8. Do I look like a people person? slave trade within 10 years. Oh sorry make that 5. 9. If I throw a stick, will you leave? - Voluntary euthanasia may become very welcome for anyone still call­ Go the Revolution! Justice Over Law! Revolution and Anarchy will be ing himself or herself a 'Baby-Boomer' in the 21st century. very big this year, if only we could be bothered to get off our fat ham- laidened asses to do something. Somebody pull-ease cause a bit of - Best Rumour so far this year: havoc for the rest of us to talk about! McFlurry is made out of pigfat! (Ronald McDonald- Bite Me!)

Until it gets smaller, wearable technology may be the largest single NASA may never actually discover what the surface of Mras looks like fashion mistake of the new millenium! Something tells me this fellow because the little green men keep eating the probes. will be sleeping alone tonight - If you type the words 'breast' or 'large penis' into a web search engine you may wake up to discover strange unmarked cars tailing you to Uni, echoed-dicking sounds on your home phone or ASIC has assas- 1\ r • • sinated you and/or your entire family. However the Internet Industry . •• • * • Association's (IIA & ABA- Bite Me!) disastrous code on Internet cen­ sorship (see: http://www.iia,net.au/ind6x2.html for the horrid details...) could prove quite amusing, Perhaps now porn site will have to think of

.^ 'j. \ : •// 1 inventive ways to advertise their sites. Titles like 'Happy Pillows A- 1 : /'/ Hoy!', 'Kiss My Grits' or 'See Turgid Member Here!' may prove very JMi *ir I popular.

Complaints, tips, bytches, any reason to say Bite Me! to anyone for any reason, write in and I will respond to your letters or emails, but 1 only if they are interesting. Otherwise Bite Me! •V Yours in harsh realities. I" !;-§(• J The Masked Avenger.Email - [email protected] Or for those not yet in the technological age... (get a grip) Snailmail I - BiteMe! c/o Semper, UQ Union, UQ. r seeotui, a de

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.Derrick May, .hi:m Atkins and Kevin .SaiuidersoM are aU still around. Tiiey - es[)eci;illy iVIas^ of town. Massive imemploymeni left downtown areas desenetf to the e.xteni thai.

- would prefer ilial people talked about wliai they're (loini.i now. and with good reason. Wliai^ according lo local scribe Dan Sicko, 'you could walk eigli^t blocks and not see

Ihey achieved in tluveiglities - inveniiniji modern music, again - they've done. Tliey're noi dead. another iierson'. In tl^- isolated south west suburb of Belleville, n bit like Brisbane's

Derrick May^ijjayed in Brisbane last tiKHith to a rapturous reception. Aikins has just released Cleveland (another hotbed o )n). teenagers Jnaii Atkins and Derrick an incredible soul record (Model 'JOO'S 'Re Stion-?'). The story ol'techno's origins, however, is May listened to radio sliowslike iVlojo's and heard the sonic method that would not widespread currency, allhoiigii techno and forms of it are. The students and iiispirccs/ imi­ describe the possibility of love and deep happiness in a human being' \3(iio is cross­ tators of these (liree men have, alont^ with countless sweaty, wide-eyed dancers, transformed ing a l)lasled post-industrial hrtidscapc. ^ ' N modern poi)ular music. Tbcy didn't do it alone, ofcourse. Tlie',^ ..'* •A-. (lisco-damaged bible of machine thwack and se,\,\-driven^- vocals played"jit Chicago's-Wiirehouse club in the niid-KO's lias

strangely. Bm Detroit leclino was alwa.ys pitclied towards changing the very way that peo- Model 'JOO'S 'Night Drive (Through Babylon)', recorded in l'J!)5 alter .kian

listen to what's on ihcir radios, as iiuieii as in what those radios ;eceive.. Piit simply, DT ' Atkins had spent several years develophig his music in clcctro-lunk outlit Cyboiron

)w the Lingo.) is always, but nex'er only, about fuliiiling the old promises of soul and gospel (best known for the single 'Clear', the first techno track to get wider radio play), is

lotioiially powerful and physically exhilarating iiuisic.' ^ - ^ a jaw-shoi with all the weight of the new style behind it. The music, [ike a gigaii-

'I'lie distinctive tiling ai)out tech'no's development in Detroit is how iliyse promises found .. tic CiMC cnr cruising at low speed through deserted streets, sees the vocal line icaii-

Iheir, agency lliiougli the 'soullessness* of electronic niacliineiy Techno as [a has come io us in ing against a wall, nod.ding,its head, ^velcoining another human to a city seeming-

• • '- I Australia is largely l-iiropean or siylcd after luiropean anists - the nnitation of musical style Iv designed without liimians in mind. It stands with John Coltrane and the Stooges that began in the late !'J80s as tracks by arfisis on .luan Atkins' Metroplex label. Derrick May's as some of the most urban music ever recorded. (The "Time, Space, Transmat' ver­ outfit Rhytliiin is Rhyiliiiii and Kevin Saunderson's Inner City accompanied early Chicago house sion, an insirumeiital rcnii.x.'lK'canie'a'n linglTshlm'Hirite in ihe 1988 Suninier of records across the Atlantic to London. Brussels, Rotterdam and Berlin, The Detroit sound was Love and gave Derrick May the name fm- his Transmat .) Atkins has informed by ihe coining logeiher of particular nuisical relorniations of the ly/Os; the rock- become best known for his work with Model 500. another 'side' of a terse and orig­ inllucnced jisyehedelic funk of George Clinton, the slick macliine-generated beats and sensual inal aiiist whose (largely solo) work with 'dirfereni' bands was inspired by the

(ciiialfemale vocals oof'lialo-disco'l 'lialo-disco'.. and ihe machine music of CierinaCieriiian groupgroims like Kraftwerk, who Parliaiiient/l-uiikadelic double act of George Clinton and which, in turn, led per­ created loboiic soundscapes out of a deep and abiding love for bands like the Supremes and formers like Norman Cook to record under a number of names siimtltancously. from other Detroit-based soul groups on the Motown label. Radio D.I Clarence .lolinson (aka The Beats International to I'atboy Slim. Tracks like these and May's classic "Nude Photo'

Mojo) would program all o to-5.00 a.m. show, sever­ (as Rhyihim is Rhythini) soon became esscniial spinning for DJ's like Ken Collier,

a week, tliroiiglKuit the earlv I'ifiOs. and helped revitalise a club scene fading after the glory days of the early (JOs,

ipareiiliy disparate elemeiiis could help lo form one of the j)urer and The techno club The Music Insiiuite must rank as one of the mosi unique

-ceiunry music becomes'less odd when vou look at the kind of city establishments in music bisiory. focused almost entirely on the music - the place

g the seveniies. From a coniparaiivelv aflluent Al'ricaii-American didn't even serve alcohol - ihe vast warehouse club, founded in I9B8, lasted for populaiio l')t)()s and eaHy 7()s, wealthy with aulomobile employment. i)arely a year but provided techno renaissance. Tor a short time'. had alreadv stalled to ; sense of sivle - the t(t Dan Sicko, 'divisions of class and sexual preference vanished.,. letiing

A Number oi" Names' (I')»!). was n; e way it wanted'. Derrick May The Roland TB-303 Z

Ask someone to imagifCe "techno", as it's a good chance she or he will start to > think abou these osciallting buzzes and whines made by the 303. This is the 303's claim to fame: it has conic to define our image of a whole genre of sound. n The 303 story begins in the early 80's, when analogue synthesizers were at their final peak of technical innovation. Analogue synths were not new at that time; ^^ indeed, they date way back to 1860, when the great physicist Ludwig von ^^ Hclmholtz invented a machine that made electronically-generated noise. But by ^"J the 80's, the era of analogue synthesizer development was ending, as the appeal |^^ of digital began to sweep electronics into a new age. Thus, the era of analogue ! JJ was nearly over v^hen, in 1982, Roland brought out a little silver keyboard with \M^ some knobs that they called the TB-303.

The TB-303 was developed by a group of five secretive and revolutionary design- ^^l ers led by Tadeo Kikamoto, including an engineer from Sugarhill records and J.J. — Jeczalik, who went on to fountl the Art of Noise project (also funded by Roland). Together they were sometimes known as the Wutan clan, a point famously picked X up on by a later hip-hop group.

The so-called Wutan Clan developed a number of projects. The first of these was a bass .synthesizer that they called the TB-101, "TB" standing for "transi.stor bass." It went way over-budget, mainly due to an incredibly complex sequencer. Roland ordered the sequencer scrapped so it could lunicd into a portable unit - the SH- n 101. Next came the TB-202, which vvas hoped would incorporate the revolution­ ary ideas of the 101, but with a simpler sequencer. It too went over-budget, and X Roland again scrapped the project to repackage it as the ponable SH-202. > By this time Roland officials were beginning to ask questions about their devel­ opment team's ability to complete a project that wouldn't cost the earth. The z Wutan team were told to set to work on a much simpler bass synthesizer that could be released alongside the newly developed TR-bOG drum machine. In a now-legendary feat of engineering, they came up with the TB-303 after only two months. m The 303 and 606 were released together, with Roland marketing them as a pack­ age that could emulate a drummer and bass-player, perhaps for the New Wave D sound then popular. Of course, they sounded nothing like even a passable rythm section, and the 303 in particular bombed. When Roland discontinued production H in 1984, only 20,000 had been made. X But the TB-303 had several features that made it easy to use, especially it's slid­ ing sequencer tool, and this very simplicity encouraged experimentation. As pro­ ducers and enthusiasts began to play around with it, they noticed that by twid­ dling the knobs in certain ways tnily amazing sounds could be created. It is these m noises, incorporated into electronic music tracks as the bass line, that largely came to define the sound known as "acid." And when acid house conquered the worid in 1989 and 1990, the TB-303 suddenly became one of the most romanti­ cized and emulated instruments in electronic music history. There has even been t a petition campaign to get Roland to start making them again. D To tbis day, no-one really knows what gives the 303 it's unique sound. Many agree, however, that it's got something to do with that strange sequencer. The freak conincidence of REtD brilliance and the Roland corporation executive's insistence on a simplified product has gone on to produce a machine that has G changed our musical worid.

Digitarts founder Lisa Burnett

Digitarts has a history of doing projects mostly for young women, but we're not exclusively for young women. All of oui projects have an artistic context to them, so emerging artists and young artists really are welcome but they've mostly been female.

Well, it started with a visual arts degree at QUT where I was kinda left to my own devices a lot so I leamt where a lot of my strengths were in nav­ igating through that. But its a very solitary thing, visual art - all those things they say about it are truel So I kinda left visual arts going "oooooooomrgh, I don't to make pictures and just have them hang in galleries."

I've just been really lucky, because the kinds of jobs I've done have given me the opportunity to do different kinds of design. The process I've had has been really organic, it's been excellent. The work 1 do now sort of came fromstartin g off just doing posters and stuff by hand and then getting to do one on the computer and going "arr, wow."

My partner around this time was a writer and wanted to buy a computer for his writing but didn't have enough cash. So I sort of paid for the computer, in the hope that I would get paid back, I wasn't like "here's a computern But it got used for games mostly and so I started to hijack it I would go over and just play a little bit, you know, just really cheesy layout programs, um, like Mircosoft Publisher and things like that. But found I could achieve so much more than when I was just doing stuff by hand. So then I kidnapped the computer and took it to my house, and left him "/ want the computer, I'm leaving!!" he he he. We broke up not long after, strangely. +new skool ] definitely just taught myself (the way around a computeri. 1 think I'm definitely one of those people for whom project-based learning is the way to go. So whenever something came up that I could sort of use this for 1 would take it as a opportunity to learn more skills. And it So this was all four years ago, around '96 Since then it's all Ijeen proj­ just builds and builds and builds. Having your own computer makes an astounding difference. ect funding. But there's been a bit of a push for us to get incorporated. It's shocking we don't have any public access labs for doing that kind of thing. It used to actu­ Which is a process which most community organisations go through ally be a lot easier to get access to people's computers cheaply because there wasn't as great where you have your board with your chairperson, all those structures a demand as there is now. that are expected. But 1 think they're not necessary. It's just sort of taken for granted that that's what you have to do, but they're not necessarily useful structures for young people. So we've been a bit resistant to tak­ ing that on, so we've had to remain pretty much project based. We would have to go incorporated for operational funding and that sort of support want the computer, base. But mostly we've managed to have two or three projects a year, so we've pretty much filled it out, there hasn't been gaps (in our funding). So it hasn't been terribly hard at all. Oh yeah, exhausting - that's differ­ I'm leaving! ent. It hasn't been hard to get the grants, its just really tiring doing that all the time.

Story as told to Thorun Oddsson

Digitarts has been going for about, er, four years now. Basically 1 had an opportunity to go from just working on computers to learning to work on web sites as part of one of the youth art companies I was working with. There was a couple of other trainees that I worked with and they were all blokes. I got on witli them pretty well but there were just no giris around. We were looking for giris for other projects and there was just no-one. No-one who had the skills. So I went, "urgh, ok -1 want to work with some girls!"

I was in an environment where the people I was working with were successful grant writers. Basically they said "Here's the form, this is the best ftmd to apply to," and then I wrote what I wanted to do, who, what, where, when, why - all that sort of stuff. So I did that, then basi­ cally cut and pasted ail the questions - it wasn't that particularly hard - it's just having.all the right language and that sort of stuff that's really important. Once you've done one suc­ cessful grant it gets a lot easier.

We didn't get one of them, but we got the Australia Council one in that instant. It was just to run a year-long program of workshops to get a website happening that had some content for girls. That was the context, I s'pose . We just sent out fliers, and that sort of stuff, and we had about forty people turn up to our first meeting! So I just went "uh 1 ok, people actually do want to do this." And because I'm not a natural leader, or an out-there, loud person or any of that stuff, it's actually been really challenging! I'm just a person who goes "er, no-one's doing it, no-one else is going to - maybe I should..." I guess I've got a strong sense of respon- sibilitylll old skool

Ian Thoj founding imber ot Fathom Five... S: What Wj jrst exposurl^ii^fff Sound of Dei IT: It wa long ago, which' , really... It| jery hard t( hen it was coming out. My first taste ofTechno would have be ish stuff that was i by it, like 1R/S and B the late 80's and eariy 90's. I was playing rock music, indie-p c, in a band called and I boL sampler, ... somewhat unsuccessfully ... So I sta ing remixes and stu at, started )rd label owl], it was bands like Crop Circles and Indigo Husk - attheti only thing I was lis b was ele Um bum uf iiiflueiiuus uf bix peuplb, diiU I'm UIK ul M, diid my iiillumiubt» [diitjB d— lot. Early on, I loved Cabaret Voltaire, early Cabaret Voltaire, and that probably influences me more than Detroit, I'd say. But the stuff I love about Detroit and early Chicago house is that it's really spare music, really sparse ... and there's a lot of soul in it from its soullessness, almost. It's very machine-like, but it's like Kraftwerk stuff - there's some sort of soul In that's not what you normally call Black soul, I love the fact that it's a bit clunky, and it's not polished.

S; You started off as a musician playing guitar and bass - how does working with machines like drum generators and synth modules affect your method of working? IT: Any computer [music tool] is based on chunks - that's how you use it on screen, you move it round in chunks - so it doesn't necessarily flow as well as band music. But, having said that, good producers do that „. S: Yeah - that's something that sets a lot of those Detroit guys apart ... IT: I think that one thing that's really important [with them] is the machine thing - well, not really the machine thing, but just the simplicity of the whole thing,.. I can't play keyboards very well, and that stops you being a virtuoso - and all the stuff that is really influenced by Detroit is never virtuosic.

Are you influenced by Adrian Sherwood's work with On-U Sound System and so forth? IT: I've been very influenced by dub. I sort of divide Cabaret Voltaire into two [phases] - before about 1982 is when I really liked [them. After that they went a bit too industrial... but, like, they were doing dub in 1976, which was phenomenal, because that's when it was happening where it grew up in Jamaica, probably 73-'74; so they were right on I the ball. You listen to their early stuff and there's dub effects on it... so yeah, they've always been really influential on me. S: Do you think there was a connection between dub and the Detroit pioneers? |lT:TheY don't sound similar to me... but where they both really appeal to me is that they're both working with the texture of sound... i S: „,and that comes from working with the electronics directly... I IT: Yeah - and probably the antithesis of that is what was happening in the I New York avant-garde [eg. Glenn Branca's Guitar Orchestra, out of which came] bands like SonicYouth - there's a side of that doesn't care what the musicians sound like, they only care about the notes that are played. And that's the antithesis of what dub is - dub joesn't care if the notes are right or Iwrong - just cares if it has an effect on you. That's one rea- Ison I really like early electro,.. Must the most obscenely over- leffected drums, but the jsounds in it are fantastic,

S: What's the difference you see between electro and early techno, particularly in the mid- 1980's? IT: Well, Juan Atkins produced electro... and if you listen to his stuff you can hear it mutating into techno. The main thing, just thinking about it

Thursday night Piano Crazy at the Thursday xxxx Student Night Cnr George & 15 Adelaide St Adelaide St's Brisbane Brisbane Ph: 3221 7411 Ph: 3221 7719 Visit our web address for all your FREE vouchers

Present this voucher at the Present this voucher at Alices CRI for your complimentary for your complimentary Limited Edition Mouse Pad. Limited Edition Mouse Pad. While Stocks Last! While Stocks Last! Well, another century begun and the giant wheel of fashion ain't stopped turn­ ing yet - keeping up with the hurdy-gurdy of heels, hemlines, detachable vel- t cro sleeves, sewn-up pockets and transparent plastic cowboy hats is a bigger • challenge than ever. Where else to turn than to your Semper, with its index fin­ ger on the pulse of up-and-coming student fashion and its other fingers busy fixing its hair.

Through a variety of scientific and more/ormaft'i'e techniques, only Semper can tell you what's hot for 2000 and what's just plain tepid. Over the summer we have hidden a rayon gun above the entrance to the main refectory, which sends a message to our computers each time a wearer of rayon walks past. The net total of rayon-wearers is calculated at the end of each day and then plotted on the Semper blackboard. At the end of each week our resident hairdresser, Flonc, translates the graph from the blackboard onto the fringe of Fifi, our vcr>' own superscmpcnnodel.

Also under our employment is the great Shambiashakookooclock, reccntiy poached from her spiritual hide-away in Gatton to become Setyipcr's resident mystic. Shambi (as we like to call her down in the office) chants from 5 til 5 each day to cast creative energy onto her pet golden orb spider; the resultant web is projected by lasers onto a screen to create a design, which in turn is printed onto shower caps and velour underpants.

From the results of these and other vogue thermometers we give you, then, what are certain to be wardrobe essentials for every young gad-about on campus, 1999 saw the advent of cargo pants and their risque three quarter length man­ ifestation - hems this year are set to go even higher! As modelled alongside by the gorgeous Fifi, five eighth length trousers will be the next big thing. So stock up big on fake tan and hot wax for that extra inch of sexy flesh that you can flaunt to the worid!

Now, we all remember the Spice Giris in their platform sneakers - how twenti­ eth century is tliat?? Brisbane will lead the fashion worid into far greater depths of coolness with its very own platform thongs. Not only will you be able to pop out for the Sunday paper in much greater style, your extra height will mean more chance of being served first. Available from a K-inart near you.

Finally, 2000 is set to see mobile phones go even mobiler - with the advent of wearable phones. There'll be hat-phones, belt-phones, and even a shoe-phone with an internal toe-dial. So if you see someone listening to one elbow while speaking into the other they may not necessarily be a loopy loop; but could in fact be utilizing the latest in cellular techno-fashion.

Remember, only Semper can keep you well-clothed on campus. May the stonewash denim ra-ra skirt be with you always, amen.

(Warning: these fashion ideas are patented by Semper, Imitations of them may result in arrest by the fashion police. «^ i^^k o(^

DONTTRYTHI AT HOME

When one considers what transcends your typical Arts student's life, what comes to mind? Crusty, old tomato sauce bottles upside down with the dregs dribbling in Modem Living perpetual motion towards the bottom? Empty beer bottles that multiply around your bin and start teetering towards the door and out onto the Iront lawn? Patterns of mould and algae on the bathroom walls that send trippers into flashbacks and With Kilgo^oT^DUtQ Jnr{] epileptics into fits?

If this seems to ring a bell then you are probably pretty familiar with another com­ mon trait of this debaucherous lifestyle, the ritualistic scraping of the tobacco-use- SPisodei Resmslcibs only water pipe. For the more active and habitual participants of the tobacco-only smoking fraternity, this sacred and complex art has been passed down from genera­ tion to generation, and certain techniques have been developed to maximise efficien­ cy. For those who feel a little embarrassed in indulging in a bit of the "poor man's natural tobacco-only smoking residue", don't feel too bad. Remember you are united in a brethren. It may be a very scungy fi-atemity, but a fraternity it undoubtedly remains. On the other hand, I wouldn't advise frantically scraping your beloved imple­ ment on a first date.

Depending on the type of tobacco-use-only water pipe you have (and let's face it, Mr Juicy just isn't going to survive this harrowing operation), tobacco-only smoking residue gathering techniques can be roughly divided into three categories: the robust­ ly simple "Lucky Dip," the somewhat more complicated "Strain and Drain," and the comprehensive but dangerously involved "Hot Pot."

The Lucky Dip basically involves taking a sharp, thin scraper (a skewer, chop-stick or long pair of scissors usually does the trick) and scraping out the precious goo from the stem of your tobacco-use-only water pipe. It's important to remember not to rush in there like a bull at a gate - jamming your instrument in sloppily will push all the tobacco resin down the stem and into the water. A more gentle and precise method will yield greater rewards. Keep a designated scraping bowl in the household because the tobacco-only smoking by-product will have to be piled and then treated. Once the stem has been thoroughly scraped remember to try the cone itself; it will often be well wortii the effort.

This implemem is tor tobacco-use only The Strain and Drain method is for the more adventurous, and is normally reserved for desperate measures. Certainly it is substantially more disgusting and depressing than the Lucky Dip, but it does harvest greater rewards for your average smoking Joe. A substantial amount of your smoking material will slip through the cone wasted and unsmoked during sessions, accumu­ lating at the bottom of the apparatus. The process involves filtering your tobacco-use-only water pipe water and collecting the residue carefully in your scraping bowl. As Cypress Hill so prudentiy remind us in a famous song about illegal and totally unrecommended drug use, "don't spill it / it smells like shit on the carpet." And there tmly is no cleaning agent equipped to deal with the toxicity of this stuff To perform this method effectively, a thin piece of fine gauze is required. The tea strainers from Wordsmiths have here proven to be most effective. This implement is for to&acco-use only The Hot Pot method is reasonably similar to the Strain and Drain, but more comprehensive in methodology, requiring patience and preparation. Tlie technique Is rarely used, and normally only applied when all other options are exhausted. Take your tobacco-use-only water pipe and fill it with boil­ ing water, give it a good scrub down the stem and inside the main chamber and leave to brew and sit for a good three or four hours. This soaking will remove any leftover scum from the walls of the apparatus, leaving it to set­ tle to the bottom. When you can't wait any longer, scrape (he inside again and filter the water through your strainer and into the bowl.

Once the resin has been gathered it must be treated for smoking. There has been much conjecture about the drying process: some swear by the microwave, others the oven, and some insist on the gentle rays of the sun. Whatever your preference, as long as the stuff is not smoking or drying out during the procedure then it doesn't really matter. Smoking il may be per­ formed back through the water pipe (remember, that's tobacco-use only), or by "hot-knifing."

It should be noted that smoking your reclaimed smoking substrate is strictly for bedtime, as it produces about twenty minutes of euphoria and then hours of nausea. So the next time Centrelink randomly selects you to fuck vrith (and the experienced amongst us know how quickly a student's life can go from the proverbial penthouse to the shithouse), keep in mind you have a second chance. Let's face it, if you are going to live away from home and go to university, you're probably going to acquire some nasty habits, which we at Semper think is terrible and which we cannot in any circumstances con­ done. However, if you do manage to unfortunately happen upon some bad habits, knowledge of these scared rituals, if not actually essential, can cer­ tainly be very worthwhile. ^H^H^^M

Next issue: excuses for extensions that really work

%??=^' •^

037 This implement is for tobacco-use only The degree is rectangular. The game lasts for three to six years. These are the facts. Everything else is pure theory.

Many of you may prefer not to read these instructions. However, if you've been experiencing odd flashes in your peripheral vision, frequent unexplained nausea and/or a vague but abiding sense of dislocation (in the very real sense of feeling like a walking detached limb) it's more than pos­ sible that you need a brief rundown on the situation you may be facing. So - welcome to Uniquest. If you can remember who your service provider is, you know too much already. Proceed immediately to the near­ est maintenance station and run the program 'alcohol'. Wait until your confidence returns, then take this article to your supervisor sprite and ask them to take care of you until reprogramming can occur. If you don't know what all of that means, good. Stay calm. Find a quiet spot with no-one around. Fight the bour­ geois-programmed impulse to consume toxic substances. Simply breathe deeply. Then keep reading.

You're in a game, comrade. A glorious revolutionary game designed to train the social activists of tomorrow, but a game nonetheless. In this game, total-immersion neural interactive worlds do not exist. You won't find any, because you already have. You are inside the Island. The people's revolutionary vanguard has moved forward to anticipate the advance of information technology which will inevitably, as with all means of production, suf­ THE UNIVERSITY fer attempts by the power elite to appropriate it Precisely because history will not allow this to OF QUEENSLAND happen, history's agents - the People's Revolutionary Guards - have designed Uniquest as a training program for the People to acquire control over history itself. Uniquest - or, as it is known, 'the game' - is, strictly speaking, the interface between the pro­ gram designated 'University of Queensland' and the players. The program is alleged to have been designed by community consensus and the changing dictates of the economic climate. Do not be fooled by this. It is a cynical construction made to enforce and enslave the minds of the worid's youth, made all the more cynical by its psychologically necessary 'secrecy'. Outside the Island - the program construct known in-game as the 'St. Lucia Campus' - is the 'real world', itself a construct far more difficult for your initiators to control. If you're still reading, you must suspect the truth - you did, indeed, initiate through the People's Guards, not the agents of the AOL-Time Warner conspirators. You are in no immediate danger. Your physical being is completely safe outside the game under our supervision, and inside the game glorious revolutionary mental equilibrium while staying alive is no different or harder than it was in the world you you learn the codes of the oppressors from the. remember before 'university'. Watch out, though - you can get hurt inside. These are almost always conveniently' and die inside the game, and that's unfortunately all too bloody real. located in the 'Union' constructs, and require the Most players, for ease of transition, retain their previous social sit­ minimum of intellectual effort to engage with. uation, memories and 'living' conditions initially Rather than simply reprogramming a new identity, the experience is deepened at a train­ Extensions ing level by having to acquire what gamers refer to as 'identity' by If you're nearing your goal, and becoming actually playing. unsettled by the prospect of leaving, extensions are available. If you wish to extend the game, the program 'postgraduate study' can function as a reward for those who have proved adaptable to GAMEPLAY the environment. Because of the game's nature, there is a definite place for good players to Most of your interactions will take place with other players, and remain and make things easier for new gamers. much of their play, like yours, will be influenced - however indirectly As time goes on, however, and you acquire - by programmed sprites, known as 'lecturers', 'tutors' and 'admin the slyly named 'credit points', the interface may staff. Do not be alarmed if they make your progress harder. deteriorate; occasional flashes may intrude on gameplay. These 'reality checks', as hardcore If anyone tells you to get with the program, watch them carefully. gamers have come to refer to them, have risen Their subsequent behaviour may or may not indicate that they know from being simple glitches to becoming an inte­ what they're really talking about... gral part of gameplay. However, the extended strain on the interface has been known to cause Some of you, on the advice of your initiator, may have pro­ withdrawal from personal contact with many grammed the disbelief function. This is incorporated into your brain's other gamers: fear of RC's can be detected in 'normal' functions of environment-testing almost seamlessly, provid­ other players on the Island by glazed expres­ ing the user with virtually seamless transitions between scepticism sions, incomprehensible speech and behaviour towards P-class game input (coded as 'mysticism' or more familiar which imitates that of lecturer sprites. 'religious belief) and scepticism about the game's actual existence. NOTE: As the qualifiers 'almost' and 'virtually' indicate, these This is how games get lost, comrades. Play pathways are not immune to decay and may deteriorate if neglected. hard First signs of this are a tendency towards inactivity and, paradoxical­ ly, an increase in scepticism toward all belief systems, including the NEXT ISSUE: Basic cheats (including prevailing game logic - coded, for simplicity's sake, as 'society'. This how to outfox tutor sprites) and tips on makes acquisition of'dollars' and the accruement of various credibil­ how to defeat those pesky evangelical ity powerups more difficult. Watch carefully for those who attempt to avatars while you're trying to rewrite translate the prevailing game logic into higher forms of programming your sexual interaction module... - they are almost always experiencing technical glitches in their own translation, and this often throws metaphorical spanners in their abil­ ity to play well with others. If you wish to maintain the disbelief function at its highest possi­ ble level, the in-game initiators have provided a range of meeting groups - their apparent diversity being part of the function - to keep things ticking over while you pursue the real goals of the game. These vanguards of the people's struggle are their to help you maintain your u u o o 0 0 O 0 big day out review O 0 o o Last time I went lo a festival, I promised myself I'd never go to another festival. But here I am, recovering from a mild case of tinnitus and hardcore heat 0 O O 0 0 o o o exhaustion, cursing guest passes and asking myself why, WHY???? When I was 15 things were different, I took a heap of drugs and, well, maybe I was just younger ,„ Now, decrepit at the age of 22,1 have to face the fact that I can't hack the Big Bay Out. I swore '97 was tiie last, they actually even said ''this is the last BDO ct^er", and hey, 1 believed tiiera. I went all out, took a shiUoad of substances and had a great time (I think). But now, three years on, things have changed. Or maybe it's me that's changed,

A few years ago 1 could handle the fashion disasters, 1 could tolerate the heat, I liked wearing skimpy clothes, I didn't mind spending ten bucks on lunch, my moshing threshold was higher (1 just elbowed the gropers) and I must have been oblivious to all the absolute ftickwits. Now, I Just can't do any of it.

Unfortunately the BDO is comprised of all of the above and more. It's just an excuse for teeny boppers to spend 70 bucks on a ticket and call themselves alternative. Everyone thinks they are "5000 punk rock" for wearing their Offspring t-shirts and smoking cones in the mosh pit. And the rest of them just conform to the dress codes and try to snog as many fellow "freakers" as they can (as Geriing sang, "If you're on LSD, you're for me!!"). I think I'm bitter, or maybe just bored - somehow 1 manage to spend half the day wondering who cleans up the rubbish left behind and how long it takes them to do it. Bitching about the girls in boob tubes and cargos and the groupies with spray-on-hair is just a mild distraction. It all leads me to the conclusion that "alter­ native" is loooong dead.

The one thing 1 end up hating the most about myself (apart from my inability to wear skimpy clothes) is the way that, by the end of the day, 1 am so crit­ ical of those around me. Now, I'm generally not the bitdiy type, but I end up sharing with my ftiends my thoughts on those around me. "Oh my god, what 0 0 0 0 0 is she wearing" - "He he he, look at his back hair" - "Fuck, I'm sick of spray-on hair". I think it's a reaction to the boredom, or maybe it was the heat, 10 O Ol the headache, the ants everywhere.

Even though the day sucked, there was a few bands who managed to rise above the general level of mediocrity and green cargos. The first band 1 saw was Sekiden (catch them on market day or at the Semper launch), and they rocked, even managing to get the first group of groovers up on their feet! A com­ bination of killer keyboards, unbelievable style and cutesy pop lyrics, they set the day off to a good start. Sexy Seja, mobbed by giris screaming "sign my tits!!!", proved that the boy bands really do suck and that being well dressed is an artform. While Mirko and Simon continued the crusade agaiiist spray- on hair.

Next to save the day was the antics of Gcriog (apparently Geriing on keyboards). Burke and Darren are not only sex symbols to the masses, but they real­ ly can make a whole crowd laugh. Screaming "Smash shit up" over and over again (a la Atari Teenage Riot - whose lack of any amplified sound unfortu­ O 0 o o o nately made them suck) they proved really popular with all the kiddies. Drummer Presser seems like a really normal guy to be in a band full of lunatics. o#o«# Quan from Regurgitator looked on from the back of the crowd, wearing a rueful smile which I could only interpret as envy at the lax attitude of their record #c#o o label. ••••• O 0 O O 0 Primal Scream wowed us all with their belly thumping bass, so far removed from their guitar rock ballad days. (I know I'm really lame, but they gave me o o o o o a fucking headache). Blink 182 were so fimny they stole the show. Beth Orton, a tiny little barefooted creature, made everyone swoon, even if she was a O O O o o little muffled on one of the smaller stages.

The Hellacopters just made my day, with their Acca Dacca style rock and their tight white pants. I laughed so hard once I realised that they really did believe their guitars were extensions of their obviously already huge cocks. Unfortunately the heat stroke got me and 1 missed a few of the acts I would have liked to have seen, although I heard Goldie, Joe Strummer and Shihad from a distance and from what I was told most people were happy with them.

By the end of the day I was so pissed off at the festival thing, and once I found out the organisers make $17.5 million per show, J refiised to see most of the main acts. Nine Inch Nails would only have been bearable for the hardcore fans, and after seeing their tour shirts (with "I'm Fragile" written on them) 1 could only laugh at Trent Reznor. I didn't bother with the Red Hot Chilli Peppers either. The Chemical Brothers were pretty cool, although it was basi­ cally two guys standing around the stage in a very small tent which in no way accommodated tiie hordes of people who wanted to see them. But hey, don't listen to me, find a sbrteen year old or someone who was speeding.

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040 jGiri, Interrupted

Don't we have enough films about the Sixties? I of patients, each more cliched than the last. Each of them seems to be suffering personally believe that films should only have from one easily definable disorder: all you have to do is push the right buttons to Simon and Garfunkel songs if they were made in exercise some control over them. The director, James Mangold, obviously believes the Sixties ('The Graduate" anyone?). Why wc you can treat a cinema audience in tiie same way. It's what 1 call the Forrest Gump keep re-hashing this stuff for the f3aby Boomer audience is beyond school of film-making- pack in some Sixties tunes, some "lovable", "quirky" (oo!) me. What confuses me even more is how many people of my gen­ but ultimately shallow characters and make sure at least one of them dies. You eration buy it. Get with the times people. can't beat a death for a emotional punch when you know you're losing the fight on points... My impressions of this film were definitely coloured by the intro­ duction that self-important twits like to give at film premieres. For Despite this there are some notable pcrfonnances. Whoopi Goldberg is fantastic as some reason the gladhanding was done by a journalist from the Anti-Semper the ward nurse Valeric who exhibits both the strength and the care of good pro­ (a.k.a. Uncle Rupert's Courier-Mail). His intro was made up of the typical fessional carers. Angeline Jolie is quite good as Lisa, the charming sociopath cheesy sexist crap 1 expect from that - paper. whose screen presence falls victim to Mangold's treatment. Ultimately the failure of this film lies with him: he had a coupic of good films under his belt (Heavy and Now to the film. She might 'believe' in the project as a human being, but Cop Land), a number of talented actors, a reasonably interesting coming-of-age Wynona Ryder is barely believable as Suzanna Kaysen, who is diagnosed with stor>' from what 1 suspect vvas probably a really good book; and he destroys it Borderiine Personality Disorder (and who wrote the autobiographical book with his shallow treatment of mental health issues and by-the-numbers technique. upon which this film is based). The psychiatrist defines it as 'uncertainty about If you want to see a great film about mental institutions stay at home and rent self-image, long terms goals, types of friends or lovers to have, and which val­ "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest". It may be a film from (arrgh) The Sixties, its ues to adopt'; in other words, she's a teenager. Unable to wait until she grows symbolism (patients as citizens, stafi" as Tha Establishment) may seem heavy- up, her parents panic and commit het to a mental ward filled with a number handed after the first viewing, but it'll stick in your mind a lot longer.

StigmotQ

Stigmata seems to be an attempt at a religious/hor­ The film is a brave attempt to touch deep religious themes, which ultimately ror/condemnation of-the-Catholic-Church film. Dr suffers from a over-convoluted storyline. The film'smajo r mistake is in the Kieman (Gabriel Byrne) as a priest and scientist confiision of the real source of evil; a characteristic necessary in a good versus who sent by the Vatican to investigate possible evil stor>'. The director, Rupert Wainwright, seems to be unable to decide religious miracles. After discovering what appears whether the bad guy is the dead priest possessing the woman (and he's supposed to be a 'real' miracle, in the form of a statue cry­ to be a good guy), demons or the hierachy of the Catholic Church who try to ing blood n a church where a recently dead holy man lies, he is recalled and cover up the potentially destructive doctrine by, well, topping her. So we have sent to Pi tsburgh to interview a young woman (Frankie Paige, played by to deal with Byrne fighting alt these enemies along with his crisis of confidence Patricia A quette) who is receiving a number of mysterious wounds on her in his faith and his feelings of desire for Paige. And she meanwhile just keeps head, bant s and feet. These resemble tiic wounds received by Christ during getting trashed by horrific wounds and wondering, quite rightly, why this is crucifixitic n known as the 'stigmata', normally only granted to people of deep happening to her. One would imagine it's kind of hard to do God's work - or religious c inviction. (Gee, thanks, big guy...) Kieman firstly doubts her story any work - bleeding more or less continuously from your hands and feet... as she is {n atheist, but later discovers she has in her possesion the rosary beads of t le dead priest who was researching what appeared lo be a new Unfortunately all this detracts from some great editing, camera work and spe­ gospel. Af er witnessing her experiencing stigmata, talking in and writing in cial effects. Especially of note is when she is receiving more stigmata (again! 1 Aramaic (; dead language thought be the original one spoken by Jesus) he was feeling really sorry for her) while hovering in a ray of light in tlie position goes again st the orders of his superiors, who wish to suppress the gospel, and of the crucifixition. 1 would have enjoyed it more if tliey had spent more money tries to pn tect her. on the effects and less on fake blood. And how the hell does a hairdresser afford such a great apartment?

O O OMo < _ 090 o^#^o###o#o#o#o o##oo O O O ( O O o§o#o# o o O 0O So oAooAo o o#o0o0o||o 000 o o o c O O O••ool # 0 o#oS"o o iooio o # O 0^#o«o«o«0 M o o O O 0 ( O 0 O #o#o#o 0 0#0#0 0 o o 000 #o#o#o o 09 o o o O O ( O 0 OSO 0 0#0 o o 0 oBo O 0 o o O 0 < Zine Reviews by tiior and ben

Tales of a Nowhere Girl Available c/o Octopod, Newcasde. [email protected]

This precious littie zine made me feel so special! I actually feh like it was a little present, sent express post to my heart, fiill bt\*iip(ises specially for me. In the style of a birthday gift given to you by your bestest high school friend. Nowhere Giri is a parcel you'll treasure alvfajil When jthought "Ooooh!! I want it!!" Beautifiilly packaged, witii several different textiles held together by a sparkly earing, tiie whole experienlklpuches th all zines, a lot of effort has gone into producing it, with a littie piece of the zinester's heart in each line. Filled witii images, messages, phUfos (0 feel intimate witii what the writer is going tiirough. But witii only sbcty of tiiem made, tiiey may be a littie hard to get your hands on. I jiMlTope tiien e.-:C:^H *lp me I'm falling "

Rip Me I4pp A6 "I used to read my sister's diaiy productions" [email protected]

The ultimate guide to recovering from a hardcore break-up - riotgnrl style!! A must read for everyone coming out of a relati inking about having a relationship, or with any acquaintances in relationships!! This zine looks so fuckin cool, and you can't help cry?fig» gig] hg notes for hiture reference. The poetry's not too cheesy, the layout is inviting and tiiere are heaps of tips for those in statiis "ex" - there's eWa^y-b |[uide!! "My metiiod, which I have named Denial ++, consists of a strict regime of mental blocking (don't think about it), avoidence (chan]^8rB^ubject) al straction (stay busy) ....the following day by day outiine of my first 12 days shows how easy it can be " All tiie info is based on girl/giri breakups, b^^lfreally applies to any kind of rela­ tionship. As tiie zinester herself says, it's a bit like a diary and it's kinda personal, but the advice is invaluable. It avoids any cliches and talks about all the taboo topics, like "graveyard sex" (sex after tiie deatii of a relationship), being single, denial (helps you get over it 380% faster), emotional immersion and otiier such survival sti^tegies. 1 keep my copy handy at all times Gotta love it!!!

422 - A Public Transport Zine 22pp A5 Issue 1 PO Box 143, Newtown NSW 2042 [email protected]

Yet another fantastic zine produced by tiie amazing Kylie Purr (of catpounce and PURR fame) and tiiis one is just as cool as all her otiieis, I fell in love with this giil tiie first time I met her (she is my ultimate woman...!! If you were lucky enough to catch PURR at Market Day a fe^v years back, you'll know what I mean - proving grrls CAN rock!!), and have since become an avid collector of all tiie stuff she puts out. 422 is fiill of heaps of cool stories ala Pun" style. 422 is, obviously, ftiU of ti^nsport stories - raostiy public transport - sometiiing most of us can relate to. They go from the frusti-ating to the funny, obsessive, cute, quirky, ti-agican d bizarre. Purr put this together from a whole heap of sources, collated from emails, message boards, audio tapes, diaries and letters - basically the call went out everywhere. So many people wanted to have their say about buses and tiie like tiiat issue no2 is on its way sooner tiian planned. Now if you tiiink a whole zine devoted to trains, planes and buses sounds a bit dull,., you really should try to get your hands on a copy, it's actually really cool, "I know a giri who swears that travelling by train in a standing position whilst wearing high heels brings her to a mighty orgasm "

"I remember when I first moved to Sydney from my country hometown, being in awe of my new found and absolute freedom. A dear memory I have in sitting on a bus, rolling towards the city thinking 'Wow! No one knows I'm here ,'" From tiie story about how polite manners wins friends during peak hour to Esther's tt^aumatictal e about being a young vulnerable gfrl alone in a badly lit tiain carriage. Read while waiting for the 412 ...

The Life and Death of Mavis McKenzie Issue20, January 1999 PO Box 222 East Brunswick 3057 mavis_mcken2ie@hotmail,com

Jason Rigdeway has a most unusual alter-ego, an elderly Melbourne pensioner named Mavis McKenzie, Mavis writes letters in an uncertain hand befitting her 87 yeais, to all the sort of people who can't resist replying to 87-year old pensioners: tiie Ray Martin Show, tiie Herald-Sun and Uncle Toby's, Generally, she makes tiie sort of harm­ less but completely inane suggestions tiiat personal assistants in corporation-land waste a good part of tfieir days finding pleasant and helpftil answers to. She also gets suitably terrified by tabloid TV scare campaigns. After seeing a particularly alarming Today Tonight story, she wrote: "I'm 87 years old and on tiie pension and never tiiought I'd see the year 2000, but I don't know if I want to after seeing your show. Should I go to tiie doctor and be immunized against this millennium bug? What can I do?" Perhaps concerned tiiat tiiey were ftightening pensioners, Channel Seven Melbourne promptiy replied: "First of all, tiiere is no need to be alanned. There is on-going research into over coming this basic design fault in many of our household appUances which use a micro chip."

This issue of Afam McKenzie, Jason decides to kill her off. This provides several moments of great hilarity, as friends of hers write in to Sony asking to record a version of Candle in tiie Wind witii some of tiie words changed - "Instead of'Goodbye England's rose,' we would like to sing 'Goodbye Bmnswick's azalia'. Do we need permission from you or Sir Elton to record and release tiie song?" Sony helpftilly write back, suggesting that "for copyright reasons we are not m a position to record and release a new song." The rest of the zine follows these examples. It's piss fimny. Mavis, we'll miss you.

042 ^KJ \..*iasii::^-:-'i

BOs-ism and flat-form saturation in a riot ^ The End of .the World was loca! artist Ben Frost's colours. Conceptually underpinning the evr stunning re-imagining of the crucifiction narrative, text from David Campbell, who re-workei' drawing on the medieval dogma of the 14 Stages of Stages of the Cross as captions to fashio' the Cross, turning the myth into parables about tht . Terminator and Star Wars: The fashion itself v Frost writes: "Some say thai youth has already, ting edge, from local outlets like Superfuni ended. That youth and vitality peaked somewhere in and Tred footwear, Lastly, the site environnr the sixties, and that we, the children of Austin Powers completed with music from Taiyo, OK Sushi a missed out on something along the way." But, Frost young Brisbane electronic artists. counters, "it is the 'end' of their world and the year 2000 heralds the beginning of 'our' world." TEOTW was far too fashionable to havr power. It wilt already be out of date. In terf y If this is the case, then our world is going to be the involved will look back and say 'Christ, I dorTt sex. Local design gurus Kar Red painted murals on that I did something that ugly." And that is M the walls, encapsulating their design ethos of super- thing about it. Constant rebirth.

photography+ andrew snc As good as oew M pre-loved eonipoters k iil Hover pay foil price agalnll Why pay-thousands for a brand new computer, when you can buy a quality pre-loved computer for a fraction of the price at "Computers As Good As New", "Computers As Good As New" on Gymple Road, Chermside with dozens ot quality pre-loved computers for June of '44 Konkurrent Fishtank sessions 6 sale. All computers come Internet ready with free con­ Konkurrent is an Amsterdam-based alternative rock group with an extremely nection and a full, one year money back guarantee. art-college edge, known for their eclectic taste and championship of like- Students receive a 10% Discount when they produce their mmaea oanas. wnen a ravounte oano or ineirs tours Holland, they invite them student card. into their studio for a jam, In the sessions, which they call "In the Fishtank," the band can then do "whatever they like." The result, a 20 to 30 minute snap­ Computers start from just $499 (Software Included). shot, is often a set of fantastic tunes. "Computers As Good As New" • Next to the Dawn Theatre, This little gem of an from June of '44 is a great example. June of '44 720 Gympie Road, Chermside. Parking available at rear. are perhaps the most interesting member of the loosely-defined "post-rock" movement. This is a style of alternative rock stemming ultimately from 80's COMPUTERS 'AS GOOD AS NEW college, but strongly influenced by sonic innovation and the strictures of jazz 720 GYMPIE ROAD CHERMSIDE musicianship. It developed through underground heroes like , Steve Albini PHONE: (07) 3359 3800 FAX: (07) 3855 2616 and Codeine, but it has come to prominence recently in a Chicago-based group email: [email protected] of musicians, the most well-known of whom are the free-jazz associated Tortoise. Okay, so much for post-rock. Who are June of '44? Again, mainly members of the indie-rock fraternity - for example, drummer Doug Scharin was in the just-mentioned Codeine,

June of'44 have always been interested in a more diverse and attacking sound Live, Learn and Study in than the modulated and thoughtful Tortoise, Some of their songs are distinct­ ly "arty," with lots of doubtful poetry over bellicose bass lines and syncopat­ Indonesia ed drumming. Trumpets pop up every so often, and so does white noise. Hence they can often swing wildly between the jazzy sort of rock that Tortoise is known for (but without the shimmering xylophones), and the noisy math-rock of an Albini band. Their 1998 album, , sounded like the for­ mer, while last year's Anabata was very much power chords and poetry.

Happily, this album synthesizes the two. The rapid recording process seems to have suited the band: we're informed on the album sleeve that they used an old organ and a tube-radio set that were "accidentally" lying around (do art- college musicians from Amsterdam leave tube-radio sets lying around in their studios accidentally? Of course they fucking don't). The sound is much slinki­ er, much dubbier than usual; their music seems freer, less repressed. The improvisations work really well here, especially "Heniy's revenge," (which fea­ tures that organ) but so does the studio-generated noise.

A real highlight for me is Doug Scharin's drumming. He hits a lot more cym­ bals than usual, and it gives the tunes a much lighter feel. Also great are new versions of songs on their other , especially "Modem Hereditary Dance Steps," which in Four Great Points is all bass and guitar dissonance. Here the Semester-long courses accredited by Most bass is distorted and much more metallic; it gives it that slinklness I mentioned Australian universities before.

ACICIS-Study Indonesia Program For me, this album is at the frontier of rock, I don't mean it's the future nec­ Phone: (08) 9360 6254 essarily, but it's where the good ideas are at right now. Tired of Big Day Out- style festival rock? Try out some post-rock, beginning with this album from Email: [email protected] June of '44, wwwsshe.murdoch.edu.au/adds/ + kenny phillips 044 As You Like It by William Shakespeare O Harvest Rain Theatre Company Director: Jennifer Flowers Jj>? Featuring; Andrew Buchanan, Julie Eckersley, Michael Futcher, Steven G rives,Catherin e Miller, Design: Alison Ross Wrestling Consultant;: "The Masked Ucstroycr" (aka Pat Hanna) v^ What do line dancing, a Weber BBQ and World Championship Wrestling have in common? Well ,., they all look great on T\^ but you can never quite replicate the results yourself. Umm .., they all have a penchant for meat, be that to eat it, cook w it, or have it as the main component of their head. For Brisbane audiences, though, a far more interesting merger has been brokered between these unlikely bed-fellows: they all have starring roles in Harvest Rain's production of i45 You Like It. o

As You Like It. is one of "those" plays. Possibly Shakespeare's most eloquent comedy, with a deliciousiy eclectic bunch of cast mates and an enchanting forest setting where the unplaned crossing of paths provides relentless merriment. As You Like It. is gener­ ally guaranteed to please. The piay begins in a dull Duchy ruined by jealousy and greed. elation of love is also set to music and dance but lacks the sheer absurdity of Oriando's The Duke, deposed by his own brother, has retreated to the Forest of Arden accompa­ cringe-worthy moment. Positively debonair, Steven Grivcs bequestcd upon us a v/ell nied by his loyal menfolk. His is followed later on by his niece Celia and his daughter suited Mr Melancholy. The choice of costuming Jaques so as nol to fit visually into the Rosalind, who disguises herself as a man in order to make it through the rough guts of forest /outback scene made his disjunction with the worid of merriment even more the forest. A similar family feud of jealousy between brothers Oriando and Oliver has pointed. The design by Alison Ross is stunning in its simplicity with the Aussie out­ also forced Oriando into the forest, but not before he and Rosalind have fallen hope­ back clearly invoked and complemented audibly by Phil Slade's soundtrack - I swear 1 lessly in love at first sight at a wrestling match. killed a couple of mozzies myself.

It is, in short, "a story about a guy who falls for a giri | It would not be unreasonable to suppose that a company which states as its ethos a but is actually a giri .,. and the worid at the back of 1 "strong Christian ethic", might prefer to present as pure and innocent love what the Bard massive bush dance complete the joumey, yet as we all| surely wrote as unbridled lust. But rest assured, cheekiness'is^afoot.-^at's^ghf folks, - joy and happiness! Jaques", thi aiin mhn fiwfiflrtfiirfiii pi Tffl}^T!iaro?cHnrc!ri?Rsin^ou5!\, well you just get out and see this show: his caustic wit and sharp tongue to find sadness elsewhere. He finds none of the merry tuitous bum watching, we've got homo eroticism, heck, we've got visible making worth staying for and Harvest Rain's production does not skip over this final :e pants. It don't get much more lusty tiian that, Marilyn. You may never moment, serving as a lugubrious reality check that not all is rosella's in the Forest of jry of An Infidel or Hurly Burly produced at Harvest Rain, but different hors- Arden. ent courses m'dear. And I dare say Harvest Rain have bagged the trifecta ice of play, cast and creative vision on this particular racing day. This production draws its creative inspiration from the Austi-alian outback. The Forest of Arden becomes the State Forest of Arden complete with twangy guitars, Webbers on In fact, I swallow my pride as a lover of 'un-wholesome' alternative theatre. 1 swear wheels, mozzies and motorbikes. As Director Jennifer Flowers notes,,"Australjia's jput- n«vviw«gain«to4BiBe«ii^QSbSKOiBpany;s catchcry too seriously. I^promise not to blame ney from cultural dependence towards its own identity" is consciously reflected in the God and blaspheme profusely when the Commonwealtii Government ignores theatre, show. You'll find no RADA accents eitiier in tiiis production and while the language is yet again. I am, m'Lord, converted. impeccably spoken it retains a distinctly Ocker edge. Yet just as 1 venture from the deptiis of the Box, the Prinnie and the undergrowtii of The wrestiing scene is an out-and-out highlight, probably due to the wrestiing consul­ the Avalon Theatre, to embark upon the coffee and cake setting of Harvest Rain tation of former World Championship Wrestling star, Pat Hanna who currentiy lives life Theatre, I issue the reciprocal challenge. Come, all ye Harvest faithfuls, and dare to as "The Masked Destioyer" but might be better known by his former titie, "The Axe", visit the unwholesome alternative. Good theatre is good theatre, it only needs an and who now runs a street mission for tiie homeless and^saj^anigg^^^o .a-win- •aiIdigR? nerds'tiie Isoundti^lC'^ wonderful mbrture of acoustic guftar.'frashy' 50's and 80's tracks and some ftighteningly good beer chorusing by tiie blokes. 14tii Jan - istii Feb, Tues - Sat, 7,30pm. Sat matinee, 2pm. Full price $20, Concession $15, Michael Futcher as Touchstone was, as always, a pleasure to watch. As tiie king of all Harvest Rain Tlieatre Company, 133 Sydney St, New Farm, the Bard's fools, tiiis motiey creatiire almost made me wet my undies. Then again, put Box Office: 3358-5387 any man in front of me with checkerboard pants, red braces and a moustache sleazy enough to turn a First Communion frock into a pom prop and I'm likely to complain Review by Melissa Western •of a stitch. Andrew Buchanan (Oriando) and Julie Eckersley (Rosalind) convey lust at firet sight convincingly, witii much wide moutiied awe, blushing of cheeks (how Eckerisey can change cheek colour on stage I do wot know) and sufficient bottom perv- Next Production: ing, I must say tiiat one of tiie highlights for tills littie Flashdance kid was Oriando's 77JC Elephant Man at the Cement Box Theatre, March 31 - April 15. realisation of love set to tiie Madness song "It must Be Love" and some very amusing jazz ballet moves - the 'running man' step can weiier be underestimated. Rosalind's rev

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This is Nigel's third attempt at Parliament, * Legalise cannabis having run in the Lytton by-clcction and in " Regulate all dnigs fairly and safely Greenslopes at the last election. His best * Admit chemical substances are a central part of our lives. Do result is 3.7% in Lytton but we are confident pf Q ^ you use any of these - caffeine, nicotine, cannabis, alcohol, of 4% this time. A number of factors in pharmaceuticals, hallucinogens, amphetamine? You are not Woodridge should help: local anger towards alone, ALP candidate Mike Kaiser, Woodridge's 24% * Help vulnerable people to change their lives rather than unemployment rate and roaring drug prob­ preaching at them or locking them up lem, and the small size of the electorate. * Give the $1.7 billion annual cost of the Drug War to the people, not the criminaLs.

We must have faith in ourselves and take the leap into the post-Prohibitionist era. Wlien this step is taken and Prohibition is discarded as a policy, we can begin the task of sen­ sibly regulating dnigs. A consultative process, where all stakeholders can build func­ tional dmg distribution strategies would be our first priority. Doctors, police, conmuini- ty v;orkers, politicians and the people should decide how we live, not fundamentalists from the US.

To outline Nigel's vision of a Prohibition free society he has outlined "Seven Solutions." Nigel will spend the dmg war money on police, education, jobs, health, the environ­ ment, community services and crime prevention. For example, he argues the minimum wage for police, nurses and teachers should be $50,000 per year.

However Nigel does not, unlike other politicians, pretend to have all the answers. He simply wants lo live in a society free from state intimidation and police harassment. A simple man with a simple solution to many problems, Nigel will fight and contest elcc- dons until the Drug War ends.

WOW, GETS-CAUGHT-BY-TREES... FOR EVEN WHILE HUMANS ARE DYING I CANT BELIEVE YOU'RE GOING TO THIS, YOU GUYS DESERVE THE TOP OF FROM POLLUTION, THEY GET TO MAR­ WALKIO THE TREE - THERE ARE THE FOOD CHAIN... VEL AT WHAT IT CREATES... TUMOUR KIDS WHO A/EEDTHIS SUN­ SET,.,!

049 T^rirjrAi r:-r.r.p/.M I

first weeks of uni that isn't your textbooks,, check out' can get involved in the A-Team, contributing to ^ents - such as UNION PAGES... the different Unionipublicatio'nS'Which.wiirbe available: j concerts and film nights - organised in the Ac^vities area. Also, from 0' Week, Apart from Semper, there's alsojthe' Class Reps can act as contact points, working through the Student Essential Student Giiide, Her-etical fa women's publica-" Representation Area to combat breaches of University policy and to tion, which men can also read), the Union diary, and develop strategies to make courses more inter^tiiig and dynamic. Higher Degree if you're a post-grad studeaL.Copies^will^ Or they may become interested in other areas and campaigns. be available all round campus, but corneji.vej>»tff-the— Union complex (upstairs fi-om the ^senffidhand book­ AsiTi^fes-R a CraSs-Repe , You Could,., shop near the Main Refec) if yjH'can't find what you're -!be the first pok^t of contact for students in your class who want looking y for. to get in touch with>l:)ie Union or find out about Union services - contribute ideas and^rticipate in the many fun activities and Remember that your tmion is here for you. Your Union events the Union organis^ executive have beeir elected for a year to work for you, - be a contact point for the Tiistribution of Union'information such If you need to tpfit to one of us, or you want to get as Distractions - the weekly ntjvs sheet of events that are happen­ involved in the<(jnion, give us a call on 3377 2200 or ing at UQ ^ i ; Le Presidente Report - email me at: u/iion.president@mailbox,uq,edu,au. Have - take up on offers of training aifd invitations to forums an special Sarah McBratney a great y^ar and make the most of it, functions to discuss and organise ^ound issues that arise in your / class, faculty or on campus in gen

is interested in representing their subject. It las been '' '.'^'' ''•• 'V ' '• established to encourage a sense of comm jni y on The Union has decided to prioritise a Campus STUDENTS AND SUSTAINABmiTY 20p6 campus and to improve the way the Unioi c( mmuni- Conditions Campaign for Semester 1, This will cates with you. It is about giving student an oppor­ be run by the Faculty Officers in conjunction tunity to have their say about what the U^ioii should Get involved in the largest gathering of greenies in Australia at the with the Class Reps' Network, Basically we will be doing to help students, and what.the Uiiv?rsity Students and Sustainablity year 2000 conference.' Everything from be formulating a list of demands for Improved should be doing to improve the quality of ed ication. global warming and the greenhoiise'elTecf t6"*ecoTlivings and corap- student conditions at UQ, and then presenting For the CRN to be an effective voice for stud !nts, the soting toilets! SftS is an annual national student .conference to be these demands to the University, Such Union needs your involvement. Becoming a Class Rep held from July 3 - 7 at Griffith University and oi^anised by demands may include an end to illegal fees for is easy - you simply have to volunteer some lime, Brisbane uni students. This year's theme is "Solutions through course material, fair assessment, and improved ideas and energy. Community Action." • IT access. We need your support for this cam­ ! ^'t< paign, so look out for petitions,;info about To find out more about the confereiioe or the SEtS organising col­ events and actions, and ways to get involved. This year the CRN will be involved in the many differ­ ent areas of the Union - and each individual Class Rep lective, email us at students and sustainability 2Q<)0@hotmail. com can decide what role they want to play. Class Reps or phone 3875 7227 (Griffith)/ 3377'5255 (UQ). If you're looking for something toj read in the 050 1 The Environment Collective The environment collective (EC) at UQ is a activist based collective. The collective meets once a week on Mondays at 1pm at the Kingham room, near the bike shop. There is no joining fee and evcryoj)e is welcome! In fact the col­ lective encourages a broad cross faculty participation and has enjoyed, and grown through, having the expertise and experiences of a diverse student population. Another service the environment depanment offers is a resource library that can be accessed by all students, the library contains a range of magazines, videos and books. In the near future the library will also contain zincs, zines are an alternative press to mass media Jpie-Wbiraiy is locatetTneltt^J to the environment office in clubs and soc's, J'" Your environment officers .'' This years office bearers are Rachaei Gibson and Jo Ball both can be con'tacted by calling 3377 2255 at any time. The office bearers work to facilitate the collective and arc directed bythe collective. So please feel free to come to the collective or to us personally with any ideas, questions or campaigns. r t What has been happening / In Brisbane there is a vibrant and strong social change movemi^t growing. Last year EC played an essential role in facilitating activism and provided valuable resources for collective members. Last year many collective members attended the national day of action to try and save the forestsl'from being destroyed (September 1st). The campaign was very successful and resulted in a positive Regional Forespy Agreement (RFA) with the Queensland government which included the phasing out of all old growth logging, j

Last year the collective gained a new permaculture garden space on campus. The garden is located near the Dutton park ferry (St Lucia side) and there will be tours around the garden at various times, including during 0 week. The permaculture subcollective meets Mondays 3-5, and other times can be arranged to suit your timetable. Monthly working bees will be held, starting in Febrtiary. For more details contact Jason [email protected], 3366 6940, 3379 7089. ', % \ 4 Last year wc saw the beginning of the animal rights group, ROAR (respecting other animals rights). The first meet­ ing for the year will be at 1pm Thursday 17/2/00 in the Kingham'ipom (near the bike shop). For more details con­ tact Carly - [email protected], 3379 7089. \ For cyclists, skateboarders, roller-bladers and all our wheeling friends rl^re is a monthly action against the car- based society we live in. 'Critical Mass' is the name and intent of a group of.peopic who assemble once a month to cycle through the city to protest by reclaiming the streets. Everyone is welcom^and it's lots of funll! See you there, last Friday of every month, Spm, at King George Square. In conjunction with-a-feVv»tiSW-groups;several-UQ-col- lective members attended a blockade at Timbarra in northern NSW. Timbarra is the site o^^rec^itly active,gold^' mine, located just out of Tenterfield, and is home to sacred indigenous culture sites. The gold mine, when active, pollutes the local water ways and endangers both flora and fauna. The mine has been temporarily closed due to the fall in gold prices, but this is no guarantee; if needed there will be tripsTcnhrsIteTgain this yean

^ ! • The state of the movement ,• With twenty operating or proposed mine sites in Australia and three nuclean waste dumps the new millennium is looking very radioactive and if you're thinking they're nowhere near you tlieli think again because there is a pro­ posed food irradiation plant for Caboolture. Kakadu is still under threat, after all the Jabiluka mine has only been delayed not closed down. The Sydney Olympics is an ecological crime and a cultural insuh for the indigenous pop )eing tainted by genet- ulation. The great barrier reef is being chewed up tmder the shale oil project and our food is up )er class. The worid ic engineering. Profits are put before people in the pursuit of a booming economy for the has gone crazy! Students for decades have been at the fore-lront of social change movements - Vietnam pe£ ce Tallies were built on campuses - Tianamen square was packed with students - East Timorese students gave their ives in "Democracy till death" rallies - women students have built feminist movements - and students trekked to Kakadu by the hundreds to protest Jabiluka uranium mine. Such movements would not have been possible or successful without collective organising, Universiries have been a throng of activity and no education is complete ifyoi hiive not been part of a collective. Collectives offer skills and experiences that arc often unique. Protesters often learn skills anc enjoy doing press releases, planting a permaculture garden, building a campaign, meeting new people, public speaking and perform­ ing street theatre.

Going into the year 2000 EC is working towards a sustainable way of living, Don't just get angry get active! Together we can reclaim the future! '^^mici^m^:?:'''^' February. Femoraves is a di V ussion group open to any woman, and provides a o um fo|^(%ien to dis- Here's an example of how it mai wrk: if for example First of all a big new year's welcome lo all of you from cuss afidxtebajeissues that T ake us fwPy or gen- you have a mental illness, then tpii and surrounding Ihe women's area. And what a busy new year it has erally jeeve usjrfe*an-Qpgn nd walcofOTig group, factors will be taken into accoun and the university already been for us! Since the dawn of the new cenlu- so cor le along and express yoUTseH will develop an individual prograAi j JSt for you, You ry we have been planning, organising and altempling may (as a standard rule) get twiqe is k)ng lo com- to be creative and imaginative, so that all of you Sisterppeak 2000 plete your assignments, or extra istance during women out there can have lots of great things to par­ This vganngT^rtffnenVaf^6-oMjQXdffith ajid, pracs. But this will all be worked oil between the stu- ticipate in during first semester,' QUT are joining lo create ai^Mfiilaiid mwwi dents and the University and facLit'. Finally, each fac- conference, 'Sister Sp»8flf/Sisterdpeak will pVovide [Ity will be responsible for disabi tv access, and each Events! a forum for the dyxfussion and forrrjulalion of lemi- sliW^nt's academic developmen Venus Rising nism in an eni^ranment that respedts diversit^^and Venus Rising is an annual cross-campus women's is free frora^ctionalism. If you wojyid like to te Within theVmlversity there are sdvdral places you can event. It draws on the talents of women from UQ, involved^ the organisation of Sister Speak o( given go for help ahd support. The twqni|ajor contact points QUT and Gritfilh and will be held al the Queen's Arms updatjs of the conference develophient via oilr for students wi\disabilities are; hotel, corner of Arthur and James Streets, Fortitude email list then email me on jenafalj|@ hotmaiI.com, Valley, at 7pm on the 25th of February, This evening or ifhone me on 3377 2200. r ' * the University's Oteability Advis ri; through Student of bands and solo performances, theatre, cabaret and ! I Support Services. Uacated in Stild^nt Support art is always a really popular event for thewomen's lat's all for me - have a great start to the year, and Services, the disabiliw program fe service provided area because of its reputation for being looming, Remember, women, come up and wsil the women's by the University to a^ist studei Is with academic fun and friendly atmosphere, J^IK|I Intro wo mew- froom any time vou want, and partake of the comfv access. In St Lucia cal 3365 17( 4, for Ipswich 3381 to the women's area with a bfala bang couches, computer and free tea and coffee. 1 am 1011), staried as an alternative to tma^ual o-' always available to any woman whb ^6u'l3ljke to party {later replaced by the B^^flfis). bec; come and see me about any issue jfdcing w cfn be specialised women's seclion of the union stall on market day, or Campus Conditions / r**. *^j, \^ support available. Onesucf ^a^ a is Students with the stand outside the lolly shop in the union building. During first semester, the UnLbn,wy/bU^\bn,w\lM)e ry Disabilities. This group - an' I ir particular its very Campus Conditions campai dedicated convenor - work v ithllhe different areas Women's Collective and Femoraves on issues such as overcrowdta^JUe^al/^ within the University and stu jei t Union to ensure The first women's collective of the year will take place assessment and unfair issues. "S,^ ^ that studenis with disabilities ir e ;eive all the neces- during Recovery Week on Tuesday the 15th of sary support available to en: ur I them access to February at 1pm. Everyone is heartily welcome - so Assessment education. come atong, join In, and give in jpimtlerH«Hh©"«liffef—— This is going to be one of my ma|n bcuses for the year, ent events the women's area pi its on. Women's col­ In 1996, the University revamped iit s policy on assess- Finally the university has coi ie around to realising lective meets regularly every Ti esday at 1pm in the ment. Some of the changes included banning marking to that education needs to suit he diverse needs of its women's room. a Bell curve, making final exams coAstitute no more studenis. This year will see h4 introduction of the than two thirds of your total grade c nd making sure that university's "Disability Action Plan". The most excil Femoraves meets every secon^ Wednesday at 12pm assessment requirementg,are clearly ipelt out at the ing part of this plan is that the university will be in the women's room. The first neeting is during beginning of the ser Obviouslj, many departments working with students and faculties in developing Recovery Week at 12pm on Wednesday the 16th of have not fully implimplemeSee d these ch inges, despite the individualised academic plans. fact this has been oflici policy for piore than three 052 exciting and rewarding year. See you 'rouiyl years now. If you think that your lecturer or tutor is not Postgraduate Area following the University's policy, please let me know. Tim Bugler ft Dale Davies Hi! I'm Tim Bugldr - aTTdTm-D^ale Davl^ t- 'wave"^:* Postgraduate Officers Upfront fees and we're the Po^graduate Officere^the-Unipn.^^ij Ph: 3377 2200 ext, 340 The University's agreement not to introduce up-front responsible for the day-to-day running of the "-^ ^email: [email protected] fees has now expired. So far, they have not ruled out Postgraduate Stuaents Area, which exists to support introducing fees for next year and are using their sup­ postgraduate stuaents.at-tbjs.University posed budget deficit to justified this. The Union will be keeping the pressure on the Uni not to allow up-front By the time this goes to print, wc wjU-hSfeconvened fees. the Postgraduate Students Are^.'-.' yourself. upfront fees, voucher systems and ma^iiJi'e fe,derat,gov-'"'"' In some ways our most important suppo)l J i;rvice IS emment cuts our representation is so iifiportantf^ Cheers, Andrew Blake, Education Ofilcer advocacy Postgraduate students can nto conflict with University staff on all sorts of com •le: ; issues, and The government is continually making it harder for stu­ our Organiser is here to help students ni Rotate such dents. As individuals we have little powerjto tonibat LITTti: TOP pofvnot^ probl"enTS-.-T*JaomrTrn~h'djrydif?st"abirsh"yofrgi governnic7« attacks, so it is important that students join FJNCSR gfievaiiclis" 6- LOWER and advise you on how to negotiate wit tlje University. together in solidarity and fight for our rights. NUS is PQfZTION your national union, your voice; it's a means of empow­ And that's it from us! We're always keet to hear from ering you, the students. I postgrads, because we are here to help you. We're par­ ticularly keen to hear from anyone who's interested in Please feel free to contact ourjprace, and look out for us sitting on committees, because there's a lot of stuff on campus during O'Week. PACK ts HELO BY TfP5 OF going on, but our main concern is that you all have an THUMB. MtOOL€, AND R/NG FINGER. FOREFtNCER /S 053 BENT UNDERNEATH. CONDOM DAY 1. It is the responsibility of both consenting partners to have a condom, Valentine's Day, the day that greeting card companies tell us to celebrate love. However this do not rely on just one person. year it's also Condom Day, and as the slogan on the poster says, "this Valentine's Day, give 2. The use of a condom during sex should be expected. Let your part­ your partner a gift that they will cherish, not a disease". The Queer Sexuality Collective and ner know that you use condoms, and that if there is no condom, there the Ipswich Campus Officer have designed Condom Day to promote safe sex amongst stu­ will be no sex. dents at the University. Now, for those of you out there who think that this is promoting promiscuity, nothing could be further from the truth. The campaign aims to arm students I THINK I HAVE A SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASE, WHAT DO I DO? with enough information so that if they choose to have sex they are making an informed decision. By providing condoms, this means that once two people (or more if that is your If you suspect you have an STD, visit your doctor as soon as possible and find out thing) have consented to sex there are no reasons for them not have safe sex. for sure. Then it can be treated. Until you have finished your treatment refrain from having sex. Just because you have an infection doesn't mean everyone else has to There are two ways we can prevent the spread of sexually transmitted diseases (STD) and have one. Also let your partner or partners know so that they too can receive treat­ unwanted pregnancy, and both methods are easy, effective and cheap. ment.

Safe Sex - More than just a condom. If you test HIV positive, contact the Queensland Aids Council, or the Queer Sexuality The first way is abstinence; this is just a matter of saying "No", There are a few things you Resource Officer at the Union. They will be able to put you in touch with organisa should remember when you choose this method. tions that can provide counselling and support groups for people living with HIV.

1, There is nothing wrong with saying "No". I THINK I AM PREGNANT, WHAT DO I DO? 2, Your partner should understand that "No" means "No" and should respect your choice. If you think you maybe pregnant, visit your doctor and find out for sure. If you are 3, If you have said "No," your partner should not force you to change your mind. unsure of what do to about your pregnancy, get as much information as you can before making any decisions. Do not let anyone force you into something that is not If you choose to abstain from intercourse, there are plenty of ways to have a pleasurable right for you. If you want to talk to someone you can visit the Women's Organisei time with your partner. It is just a matter of communicating what you want to do and what here at the Union for advice, or talk to your doctor. There are also contact numbers you don't want to do. Remember an intimate touch can be just a pleasurable as sex. with this article for Abortion Advice.

One final thing to remember: if you choose to say "No" and your partner forces you to have A Queer Space , . sex, this is rape. Rape is not acceptable in our society and it is against the law. Brought to you by Matthew and Krisrine, your friendly Queer Sexuality Officers!

Condoms Welcome to the Queer Sexuality Collective's regular column in Semper. Through this column, wc plan to iulvenisc tlic upcoming events organised by the (jollcctive, to The other safe-sex method is using a condom. Condoms are easy to use and here at UQ they raise awareness of queer issues, and to laddress the concerns of queer students here are cheap - free, actually! Just visit the Rona Room or Women's Room at St Lucia, or if you at UQ. Here at UQ we use the term "queer" ;tQ cover tratisgciidered, lesbian, bisex­ arc at Ipswich, they arc available from Health Services or the Union Office. Condoms are a ual and gay. safe-sex option if you want to have vaginal or anal intercourse and they prevent the trans­ mission of HIV and other STDs whether you are having sex with a man or a woman. The QSC is an area run by the UQ Union, open to all interested and supportive stu­ dents and staff at UQ, and convened by two student office bearers. The QSC organ­ It is important to remember that for a condom to be effective it has to be used conectly. So ises social events, workshops and runs political campaigns for queer and queer here arc few simple steps to follow: friendly students at UQ. Since the collective is student run wc need and value your input, so yciu can choose to participate a little, a lot or not at all - that's up to you. 1. Practice on yourself Become familiar and confident with putting on a condom. Our first campaign for this year is Condom Day on 1-ebruary 14. The aim of the cam­ 2. Tell your partner that you always use condoms. paign is to encourage all students to practice safe se.x and to give them information 3. Open the packet. Do not puncture the condom. on where to go if they arc faced with an unwanted pregnancy or if they have con­ 4. Hold tip to remove air with one hand. tracted a sexually transmitted disease. 5. Smoothly roll the condom all the way down with the other hand. 6. Aficr you put the condom on, add plenty of water based lubricant. The Union has employed a Queer Sexuality Resource Officer (QSRO) and has pro­ 7. Hold base of condom and gently pull out when finished or to check and add more vided a tiucer and quecv-fricndly space on campus called the Rona Room, which is lube. located uiulcr the main refectory near Activities. The Rona Room is the vcinie for 8. Use once only, then throw away (preferably wrapped up and in a bin). Do not some of the collective's activities iiickiding regular collective meetiitgs (Thursdays flush. @ IPM tliougl: out semester) workshops and social functions. The Rona Room also has free tea and coffee, a coupic of lounges and some beanbags so you can rcla,\ while reading magazines or items from the libraiy established by the collective. Rona is also the place to come and get safer se.v packs and lots of other information AOI IN IM)\N • MADI I.- »I«M • nnAOt and resources.

iThe QSRO, Moo Baulch, has an office located next door to the Rona Room. Moo is available for counselling to those students who are unsure of their sexuality, arc vic­ tims of homophobic behaviour and violence, or if you just need some to talk lo XIVl W KTrtV • NNWVI NI lOVW • NVUV< someone confidentially. To make an appointntent with Moo call 3 3772214

054 0-WEEK HIGHLIGHTS NEIRETICAL LAUNCH TKufSday 1pm iiyeiv Schonell Theatre MARKET DAY Wednesday 10am - 3pm UQ Union BIG GIG The Great Court Friday 4pm -11pm Natural Ampitheatre BIKE ESCORTS TO UNI $12 Students, $18 Non-students Wednesday 9:40 Tickets available at ail campuses Indooropilly side of Jack Pesch Bridge (cnr. Moggill and Swann Rd. Taringa) Bus stop, cnr. Benson and Glen Rd. SEMPER LAUNCH Toowong Thursday 7pm Pizza Cafe (near Main Refec) Featuring Sekiden and DJBacon

How r learned to love caffeine and stop worrying about the Big Gig (a.k.a. the Activities Officers Report)

UQ. Bi^. Scaiy. Lots of sandstone. Lots of stairs. Not enough elevators. Students. Everywhere. Movies. BBQs. Music. Too many people. Not enough hamburgers. Sample bags. Free things. Stalls. Clubs. Crazy people. Scrub turkeys. Markets and mayhem. Fairy floss and fireworks (or maybe not). Sporty looking rock wall things. A jumping castle.

Feeling a little disorientated? This is 0-week 2000.

As tiie name woiild suggest, the object of this week is not to disorientate and I'm hopmg that as you all wake and feel a little worse for wear ph Saturday morning, tiie objective is achieved. For students, anyway. I, on the other hand, am going to need more that a couple of a cer­ tain brand'of energy drink or double-shot short blacks to revitalise me for tlie year ahead.

As useful as it may be, I'm not going to bore you with pages of intricacies of my job description: how to hire BBQ's, order 9,000 printed bags due for delivery in 5 days or license a room for capacity tliat it was never designed to hold.

My report - really a suggestion - is tiiis: when you're signing to a club, enjoying a free hamburger / diary / sample bag / Essential Student Guide / Semper (please note: you cannot eat tlie last four items), finding out about the Union or absorbing the general culture of this fine institution, take a careful look around.

Where did this week of frivolit>' come from, you may ask. Look for the people hauling bags of bread rolls, spinning fair>' floss until their clothing has a glazed look about it, eloquently taking tours of the Union complex and anyone with a strangely frantic look in their eyes. This is the consequence of what I would have written pages about in my report.

So you'd better make the most of it.

Juliana Virine, Activities officer

055 •Liaa—.•••-..•- rj u

This issue. Semper introduces a potted guide to considering his well-known first-term affair with Pme Government innovation strategy: 20% more the stuff that's been happening In the last Goward (since appointed as head of the Government's lies on dole diaries month. It's completely biaised, but tell us Office of Women). This month the Government announced a about stuff you want included anyway. National Innovafion Summit, aimed at alleviat­ No Romance for us, thanks ing the parlous state of Australian research. The white gunk The Australian Office of Film and Literature However despite repeated calls for more research In yet another example of why industry self- Classification banned the controversial French film, funding, the recent Government green paper regulation almost never works, Australian light Romance. The film, which (reportedly, ofcourse, because ruled out funding increases, suggesting that the aviation was crippled in January by a collosal we haven't seen it) features lots of sex, an S+M scene extra money should come from ... you guessed it fuck-up from Mobil, who announced that that and a painful childbirth, was banned by the Office of ... industry. they had sold contaminated aviation gas. Three Film of Literature Censorship. Critics cried foul over the weeks after the planes were grounded, Mobil still increasing conservatism and illogicality of the Office, On Australia Day however. Community Services had no idea what the contaminant was, and an while others suggested that the board had been stacked Minister Lany Anthony came to the rescue, expert university chemist could say only it was by conservative appointments. The film, an apparently announcing a new policy that would immediate­ some sort of "white gunk." However after the fascinating portrayal of a women' sexual joumey which ly boost national creativity. Job seekers would white gunk turned out not to be the culprit after appropriates the language of hardcore pornography, has henceforth be required to record 10 mythical job all, test kits were rushed to airports. Then the test gained general release in every other Western nation. Of applications in their dole diaries, up from 8. didn't work, and a second had to be prepared. course, every other Westem nation doesn't have Brian "This will be a fantastic boost to Australian The month-long saga reached truly comic pro­ Harradine in their Senate. innovation," Minister Anthony claimed. "It portions when the one aircraft cleared to fly should lead nationally to 20% more fictional turned out to be missing an engine part. The The GST (1): swings and rounding-bouts job applications." Prominent Australian scien­ Civil Aviation Safety Authority (CASA) was in January saw the Coalition Government blunder badly tists and researchers hailed the move, praising charge of aviation gas monitoring until 1993, with the devilish detail of the GST. First, there was the the Government's lateral thinking. The when the role was turned over to Mobil for self- debacle over GST rounding-up. Seeing as there's no 1 announcement came a week after Government regulation. Perhaps the only good to come out of and 2c coins anymore. Coles and Woolies are going to plans to increase Work for die Dole provisions, the whole debacle is that we haven't heard a have to round their 10°/o increases come GST time. Toll extending the range of available projects to word from Dick Smith. roads will reportedly round to the nearest dollar. The include tasks such as Potemkin-village Australian Competition and Consumer Commission had Constmction and Tooth Fairy Dental Nurse Social coalitions and marital affairs originally ruled that they could round up to the nearest training. The leaders of both the parties of the Federal dollar if they wanted to. The summer holidays GST Coalition government contracted cases of Tory reserve team of John Anderson and Joe Hockey, who saw Dickhead of the month award: the Tully holiday silliness, making statements that made troubled talk-back waters ahead, prorapty countermand­ Tentacle Swallower frankly no sense. PM John Howard unveiled his ed the ACCC, without really being able to explain why. An early candidate for dickhead of the year grand plan of social coalition, surprising every­ Business lobby groups were furious, seeing it in effect as award goes to the surf life-saver in Mission one who thought he no longer believed in "soci­ a new tax. The result? Enormous confusion. Beach, North Queensland who swallowed a box ety." The mystifying announcement was appar­ jellyfish tentacle. The 18-year old life-saver was ently code for making big business pay for all The GST (2): taxation of menstruation unaware of the research being carried out by the poor people Joscelyn Newman has kicked off The Government also managed to upset most of James Cook University marine scientists when welfare, though why business would ever want Australia's largest group of voters - women - by main­ he walked into the Surf Clubhouse, parched after to do this was not explained. The puzzle was taining it would impose the GST on tampons and sani­ a hard morning supervising the Nippers, and solved two weeks later when Howard admitted tary products. Considering the pervasive strength of the grabbed the first bottle of water he saw in the he'd got the words the wrong way round, and urban myth that there's a luxury tax on tampons (in fact, fridge. Unfortunately, his haste was such that he was actually talking about the coalition social, there never has been, though there's substantial evidence didn't see the words "Box Jellyfish Tentacle! Do the Australia Day Liberal-National BBQ ... that tampon makers over-charge), you'd think the Not Drink!" writted in black Nikko on the front. Government would steer clear of this one. Not so the After suffering severe burning sensations, he National Party leader and Acting PM John ever-progressive Howard, who returned from holiday to examined the bottle more carefully, and then Anderson was also saying some strange things, try and argue that condoms deserved a GST exemption, panicked. After friends called the ambulance, he for example that men who had extra-marital while tampons did not. Women's groups were far from was taken to Carins Base Hospital, where he later affairs shouldn't be in charge of the nation. amused. The Women's Electoral Lobby launched a major recovered. Doctors remarked to the media that Semper assumes he didn't run this one past too campaign, and MPs and Ministers were reportedly del­ he was lucky to be alive, and to each other that^ many of his colleagues, who would presumably uged with abusive calls and emails. Government Office of he was an absolute fticking goose. have been horrified. We also suggest that his Women spokesperson Prue Goward somewhat surprising­ boss Howard might not have been so keen either. ly issued no statement. OBTAIN PERMANENT RESIDENCY IN AUSTRALIA WHEN YOU GET YOUR DEGREE Major changes to Australian Immigration Laws last year will allow International Students to become permanent residents. If you have an Australian degree or diploma, Special Student rates are available. you are no longer required to have relevant Book an assessment. work experience. Griffiths & Company are Australia's There is a limited quota - don't miss your chance. Premier Immigration Company. Ph: (07) 3257 2272

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