September 6, 2017

34st.com september 6 2017 LETTERFROMTHEEDITOR

3 HIGHBROW This past week, Penn as a com- disrupted. And yet, I struggle with an thoughts to everyone who knew and LOL overheards, hill munity received the most horrible unanswerable question: how do you loved Nick, as I know so many did. possible news: a College senior, Nick mourn someone you never knew? I hope that those struggling can find Moya, took his own life. I don't have the answer. I wanted solace in each other. If people find ca- 4 WORD ON THE I'm having a difficult time writ- to write this and come to some neat tharsis in writing, please know there STREET ing this letter, which is unsurprising. and tidy conclusion, but I don't is always room in Street to share your gender fluid When something as horrible as this think I will. I don't think anyone thoughts. There are very few ways to happens, I think everyone just grasps possibly could. There's no correct mourn publicly at Penn, and if you 5 MUSIC at something to say. Something reas- way to write about death—everything need, I hope you find that outlet in master of none suring or comforting or even angry— I try feels inorganic or pandering or Street. just something. insensitive. And more than anything, And, to everyone: take care of each The truth is, I didn't know Nick. I'm just angry. I'm angry because de- other, and take care of yourself. There 6 EGO We had many friends in common, pression is a vicious, monstrous, op- is truly nothing more important. eotw, pets but I never had the chance to meet pressive weight. It's a lifelong burden him personally. And to be honest, I'm that haunts and terrorizes its victims. mad at myself for being so shaken I'm angry because in a world that 8 FEATURE by his death. How selfish, how self– feels a little more senseless and a little fight in the quad involved. There are so many who scarier every day, yet another senseless lost a true friend, a brother, a son. and scary thing just happened. There are so many whose lives have The best I can do is offer my most 12 VICE & VIRTUE been permanently and unrelentingly sincere and heartfelt prayers and LOL hair removal bible, pro- ductive

14 F&TV JOIN STREET/ LOL tell us where to study, venice film festival THE DP/ 16 ARTS LOL graffitti underground, philly fashion incubator UNDER THE BUTTON:

18 LOWBROW TONIGHT STEINY-D 213, 6 PM google maps, linkedin LOL TOMORROW DP OFFICE, 6 PM

Orly Greenberg, Editor–in–Chief Daniel Bulpitt, Highbrow Beat Staff Writers: EIsabelle Fertel, Caroline Curran, Colleen Campbell, Copy Editor Dani Blum, Managing Editor Angela Lin, Highrow Beat Sophia Carlson, Kiana Cruz, Clare Kearns, Kolade Lawal, Copy Editor Chloe Shakin, Audience Engagement Director Nick Castoria, Highrow Beat McKay Norton, Chen Chen Zhang, Brookie Megan Jones, Social Media Editor Teagan Aguirre, Design Director Paul Litwin, Music Beat McIlvaine, Steph Barron, Lauren Donato, Frankie Cole Bauer, Social Media Editor Carissa Zou, Design Director Amy Marcus, Music Beat Reitmeyer, Jamie Gobreski, Brittany Levy, Jessica Maya Rosenberg, Social Media Editor Corey Fader, Photo Director Aliya Chaudhry, Music Beat Blake Brashear, Social Media Editor Li, Maria Formoso Noah Kest, Music Beat Nick Joyner, Features Editor Michelle Pereira, Music Beat Unless otherwise noted, all photos are by Corey Fader, Julia Bell, Features Editor Jess Sandoval, Music Beat Zack Greenstein, Design Editor Autumn Powell, and Brinda Ramesh. Angela Huang, Word on the Street Editor Shoshana Sternstein, Lowbrow Beat Katherine Waltman, Design Editor Dalton DeStefano, Film & TV Editor Dano Major, Lowbrow Beat Gloria Yuen, Illustrator Contacting 34th Street Magazine: Annabelle Williams, Highbrow Editor Lily Zirlin, Lowbrow Beat Illustrator If you have questions, comments, complaints or letters Anne Marie Grudem, to the editor, email Orly Greenberg, Editor–in–Chief, at Haley Weiss, Ego Editor Cami Potter, Lowbrow Beat [email protected]. You can also call us Andreas Pavlou, Vice & Virtue Editor Noa Baker, Vice & Virtue Beat Avalon Morell, Photo Editor at (215) 422-4640. Talia Sterman, Music Editor Lily Snider, Vice & Virtue Beat Autumn Powell, Photo Editor Colin Lodewick, Arts Editor Morgan Potts, Vice & Virtue Beat Megan Kyne, Photo Editor www.34st.com Claire Schmidt, Lowbrow Editor Julia Messick, Vice & Virtue Beat Christina Piasecki, Photo Editor "If she's a tall ferret farmer, I'm into it." Jillian Karande, Vice & Virtue Beat Emily Hason, Video Director Catalina Dragoi, Film & TV Beat Molly Hessel, Vice & Virtue Beat Daniel Rubin, Video Editor ©2017 34th Street Magazine, The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. , Film & TV Beat , Arts Beat No part may be reproduced in whole or in part without Michaela Reitano Gina Alm Megan Kyne, Video Editor the express, written consent of the editors (but I bet we will Sabrina Qiao, Ego Beat Sherry Tseng, Arts Beat give you the a-okay.) All rights reserved. 34th Street Maga- Maria Riillo, Ego Beat Linda Lin, Arts Beat Lea Eisenstein, Copy Director zine is published by The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc., 4015 Natalia Sanchez-Nigolian, Ego Beat Michaela Tinkey, Arts Beat Sophia Griffith-Gorgati, Copy Editor Walnut St., Philadelphia, Pa., 19104, every Wednesday. Lucia Kim, Highbrow Beat Nancy Liu, Copy Editor Kimberly Batista, Copy Editor

2 34TH STREET MAGAZINE SEPTEMBER 6, 2017 HIGHBROW over THINGS PENN COULD'VE SPENT heard at PENN

Resourceful stoner: I hope I didn't act too $80 MILLION suspicious at the UPS store. I put my weed in a "refrigerate upon opening, lab material" ON INSTEAD OF HILL box and shipped it to The brunch isn't thatttt good. the Radian. class of 2021 ought to be partying in a herd of 2400 of The sun rises over New Hill. Gone is the scuttle of their closest friends, with overpriced drinks, a pool to Stressed–out rats; Highbrow hears that the showers even lock. The look at, and a year–old toe. sophomore: I brought once–infamous dorm, known for its closet–sized doubles my laptop to 4k4. You and fortress–esque facade, was actually featured in a New • $63m: Buy out the economy of Montserrat: finally, could say I'm a multi- York Times article for how profoundly ugly it is. But hey, Penn students will have a place to relax in the Caribbe- taskser. it's all looking up for Hill now; the building has been an sun, but watch out for the active volcano exclusion given a long–overdue, 80 million dollar facelift by Penn zone that takes up half of the island. Elmo BBQ Facilities and Real Estate. Now Hill boasts things like attendees about air conditioning, making it at least as good as the Quad, • $65m: Provide the entire population of Philadelphia tourist who found right? However, 80 million dollars is a lot of money, and with blonde hair extensions so everyone can have Amy his way into the certainly some AC doesn’t cost that much. So what gives? G’s patented presidential locks. party: LET HIM STAY. Here are some ways that Penn could have spent the LET HIM STAY. money instead of trying to revitalize Hill. God, has FRES • Fund fifth–year undergrads and submatriculants: no even taken ACCT 101?: precise numbers here, but almost 1143 people could Stanford student have received full rides on $80 million—about half of hitting on a Penn girl: Yeah, my family is • $16m: Give all Penn students a pair of Yeezys: step aside, the freshman class. a member of the Royal (f)ratty white vans. Soon Yeezys will become the new Thames club; I'll be in darty shoe and Beige Block will never be the same. London a lot. DANIEL BULPITT • $45m: Give the whole freshman class pool party tickets every day for an entire year: forget NSO and Fling, the TWO GOLDFISH ARE IN A TANK. ONE SAYS, "I'LL DRIVE, YOU MAN THE GUNS."

JOIN STREET/ THE DP/ UNDER THE BUTTON DOT COM: SEPT. 6 & 7, 6 PM, HUNTS 365. BYO DAD JOKES.

SEPTEMBER 6, 2017 34TH STREET MAGAZINE 3 WORD ON THE STREET word on I AM GENDER–FLUID, AND YES, IT'S CONFUSING FOR ME TOO. Figuring Out the Gender Identity STREET ANONYMOUS

don’t want to do this. why did it hurt so much when they referred to me as a Nothing was making sense to me. I was frustrated, and I I stood in front of our middle school locker woman? didn’t want my confusion to annoy or upset my friends room door, tugging nervously at my ponytail. At first, I panicked. “Great,” I thought. “Now, I’m or others around me. I understood how hard it was for II’m already wearing basketball shorts and a baggy t– trans, I like boys and girls romantically, and I come from people to switch pronouns, when they had seen me as a shirt…why do I even have to change? a ridiculously Catholic family.” female my entire life, so by switching back and forth, I The other girls in my grade walked by me in their But no, I still wasn’t done being confused. certainly wasn’t making it any easier for myself or those skirts and pretty blouses, each one of them with a unique Fast forward to girl’s night in my apartment sopho- around me. Unfortunately, it didn’t seem like I had a sense of style but one thing seeming to unify them that I more year. choice to change how I felt. clearly didn’t have. I noticed everything; their hair, their I felt like a girl again. “I know I have the right to choose my own pronouns, legs, their smiles…sure, physically I looked like them, Not because I was talking to female friends about but why can’t I just decide which ones?!” but something just didn’t feel right about going into boys, or because we all sat around the table painting our They just smiled at me. “It’s okay. It sounds like you’re their locker room. just gender–fluid.” I took a deep breath, and raced into my own What the hell is that? personal hell. My fingers fumbled on my twist lock. According to Merriam Webster, a gender–fluid- I was shaking. I had complete tunnel vision. ity is “of, relating to, or being a person whose gender Hurry up and get your clothes so you can get out of identity is not fixed.” here. Don’t look at them. Don’t talk to them. Don’t. Gender identity is a spectrum. For most people, As soon as I got my gym clothes (which looked they lie on the very ends of the spectrum, identify- exactly the same as the clothes I had stolen out of ing totally as either male or female, regardless of the my brother’s closet this morning) I sprinted to the anatomy they were born with. For others like myself, bathroom, changing behind the safety of the stall we can fluctuate between the opposite ends. walls. Some days, I’ll feel extremely uncomfortable with Honestly, I’d probably feel more at home in the the thought of being in a women’s bathroom. Other boys' locker room. What’s wrong with me? days, competing with guys in the gym makes me feel I was always the last one in the locker room and like I’m in the wrong division, and like I “fit in” better the first one out. with the women around me, even though my friends Nobody wants to spend time where they don’t are just trying to accept the part of me that feels male. belong. Usually, I display traditionally male or tradition- ally female qualities not just because that’s what I Being gender–fluid is confusing. I can’t tell you like, but additionally because at those certain times, how many times I had the thought, “am I just gay?” I genuinely feel like I should biologically be that sex. before I knew what gender fluidity was. I was in- Unfortunately, that’s only what I consider a “good capable of separating my gender identity from my day.” sexuality. For years I assumed I was just a girl, and There are particularly confusing days when I feel something other than straight, but for some reason like I want to wear a dress, but that I should be ad- the pounding in my heart whenever I saw a boy or a dressed as a male. Even though a boy can wear a dress girl I liked romantically felt distinctly different from how nails, but because I knew in that moment I was in the if he wants to, I have a hunch most of us wouldn’t see a I felt about my own gender identity. right body. I was fully confident during that day; I could curvy person with long hair, a choker, and earrings, wear- It wasn’t until I entered college that I found the cour- have walked into a women’s locker room or bathroom ing a floral dress and think “ah, yes. This human is a boy.” age and self–acceptance to try to understand why I felt and not felt like I was in the wrong place. Trust me, it’s just as annoying to me as it is to you. different from many of the people around me. Still con- Midway through sophomore year, I met up with one Regardless, I hope I cleared things up a bit, even though fused, I tried to simplify things for myself. of my non–binary friends from high school. I told them I’m still learning about myself. Okay, so…you like boys, but…you also like girls. how confused I was; how one day I could be furious at a Please be patient. At least for me, it’s hard to feel like That’s fine. No big deal. Romantic feelings and gender teammate for addressing me as a girl, but the next feel sad I fit in anywhere. For others more at peace with their flu- identity are probably totally separate. I was still confused. and uncomfortable when people would tell me to start idity, this may not be the case. Understand that we don’t Of all places, my identity started to make sense in to dressing like a boy “if I really identified as male.” I even want to have to correct you when you get our pronouns me at the gym at Penn. My teammates and I always talk- explained to them that I had considered going by they/ wrong. To other gender–fluid people; you must be pa- ed after practice.“You should compete more! I’m pretty them pronouns, but that didn’t seem right to me either. tient as well. We have every right to be addressed with sure they have a women’s division.” It was almost like, instead of identifying as neither the proper pronouns, but with constant changing back “I think it’s awesome that you’re sticking with the male nor female, or identifying as one or the other, I was and forth, it is understandable that your loved ones may training. Not a lot of women are into combat sports.” both. The feeling of being male or female would change not always get it right. What matters is that they support “It’s great that we have another woman on the team. I depending on my surroundings, my mood, or some- you, no matter what gender you are that day. feel like our sport is slowly becoming a bit more diverse.” times even the time of day. I’m sure they had the best intentions in mind, but By the time I finished explaining, I was in tears.

4 34TH STREET MAGAZINE SEPTEMBER 6, 2017 MUSIC

THE "MASTER OF NONE" SOUNDTRACK IS SURPRISINGLY INCREDIBLE

Is Aziz Ansari’s second sea- Master of None continues to use spans the stories of multiple again forcing Dev to contem- song. Even if you never plan to son of Master of None worth Italian music after this episode, Thanksgivings throughoutplate his feelings for her. At one watch Master of None (which watching just for the music? as if to say his time in Italy had her childhood and adult life. point, Dev and Francesca spend would be a big mistake), the Yes. Yes it is. If Street somehow an impact on him that lasts In one scene, a young Denise, an afternoon together in an soundtrack has some incredible didn’t convince you to watch even when he’s back in New much to her own dismay, re- outdoor sculpture park with au- songs, so it’s definitely worth Aziz’s masterpiece already, we’ll York. ceives a white dress to wear tumn leaves about. The mellow a listen. Who knows? Maybe give you one more reason: the The show also pairs snippets during Thanksgiving dinner. As acoustic guitar of John Fahey’s you’ll find out your secret niche soundtrack. Insightful as An- from songs with perfect tim- we see Denise’s dissatisfaction “Sunflower River Blues” plays genre is Italian pop from the sari’s tales already are, the mu- ing for excellent comedic effect. with this outfit, Craig Mack softly, capturing the moment 1960s. sic amplifies those stories. The In the episode “Religion,” we and Notorious B.I.G.’s “Flava of peace between the two char- Noah Kest soundtrack adds another di- meet young Dev as his mother in Ya Ear” begins to creep in. acters while they simply enjoy mension to the show’s comedy, tells him that he can’t eat bacon Next, we see Denise walking each other’s company without romance and drama. because of their Muslim faith. down the steps wearing a flat– worrying about what their re- Master of None’s second sea- Out of his mother’s sight, Dev brimmed hat and an oversized lationship means for the future. STREETING son spends the first episodes in longingly eyes the plate of ba- hoodie and sweatpants as Noto- Soon after comes the most Italy, where Dev, Aziz’s charac- con as the beat of Tupac’s “Only rious B.I.G.’s lyrics boom. The ecstasy–inducing scene of the IN ITALY IS ter, is recovering from a break- God Can Judge Me” comes in. rap music exaggerates the act entire series. After a snowstorm up. The The lyricsof childhood rebellion to make forces Francesca to spend the MY FAVOR- music of kick in as you feel the childlike thrill that night at Dev’s, they decide to these epi- Dev takes comes with breaking the rules. have a dance party to classic Ital- sodes is a bite, and Apart from these scenes, the ian music—including Edoardo ITE THING, made up the look soundtrack works best in a ro- Vianello’s “Guarda Come Don- almost on his face mantic setting to play up Dev’s dolo.” The bubbly positivity of STREETING solely of screams emotional struggle with his that song gets you to really feel contempo- satisfac- love interest of the season: the joy when Dev and Francesca are IN ITALY IS rary or old tion. Thisengaged Francesca. We only re- together. When you listen to Italian mu- audiovi- ally understand how hard Dev this song apart from the show MY FAVOR- sic. This sual pair- has fallen for her in the episode (which you should), it is impos- soundtrack ing depicts “Dinner Party.” At the end of sible to forget the pure bliss of ITE...THING! is played the thrill the episode, when Dev drops this scene. In the next episode, over pleas- of a young Francesca off after a night out Dev and Francesca finally kiss (IF YOU ant scenes child be- together, the camera stays fo- to Mina’s “Un anno d’amore,” in a small traying his cused on Dev in the back of the whose voice goes high right as DON'T GET town in religious cab as he grapples with his love their feelings of wrongdoing Italy, im- upbring- of an engaged woman who lives begin to kick in, as if to scream mersing ing to all the way in Italy. Soft Cell’s "this love is forbidden." THAT, WATCH the viewer taste the “Say Hello, Wave Goodbye” in Dev's forbidden plays over this scene, amplify- Throughout the second sea- MASTER OF quaint new fruit—or ing Dev’s facial expressions and son of Master of None, the mu- life. Played in some of the first in this case, bacon. allowing you to understand sic plays a critical role in devel- NONE. OR scenes, “Alla luce del giorno,” The “Thanksgiving” episode the questioning he is going oping the story the creators aim and “Cinqu Bambole Per La uses a similar effect when ex- through. to present. Whatever effect the JOIN STREET. Luna D’Agosto” both have a ploring Dev’s friend, Denise, In episode 9 of the season, soundtrack intends, it always joyful sound that enables you and her process of coming “Amarsi Un Po,” Francesca hits home due to the brilliant EITHER ONE.) to feel Dev's freedom abroad. out to her family. The episode comes back to New York, once timing and placement of each

SEPTEMBER 6, 2017 34TH STREET MAGAZINE 5 EGO

THE SECRET LIFE OF PETS AT PENN CAROLINE CURRAN Like succulents, but better.

Penn’s various college houses campus, and those clever him,” Becca said. “I literally to a permanent home. friend of a friend who needed operate with a common policy: enough to bypass house rules, filled out their application to While interning at the someone to temporarily house no pets, except for service generally characterize their ex- foster right there and then [on Working Dog Center at them. Maggie and her room- animals and the occasional fish. periences with pets as fulfilling. the PAWS website]." Penn Vet this summer, Abby mate volunteered. “We really Penn Residential Services states Becca Lambright (C'19) de- Within a week, Becca Anmuth (C'19) served as a liked them so we decided to that animals in dorms “pose scribed her decision to foster a brought the tiny dog home to “back–up foster.” just go for it,” she said. potential health problems,” dog from Philadelphia Animal her off–campus apartment— “This basically means they Caring for the rabbits— “cause destruction of Univer- Welfare Society (PAWS) as her landlord allows small can call me when one of the which the roommates named sity property,” and can disrupt “impulsive.” Scrolling the or- animals. Since she fostered the regular foster parents can’t take Yuki and Saura—was a daily other residents. The penalties ganization’s website last spring, dog during finals and reading care of their dog for x amount chore, but one that was “pretty for violation of these rules she noticed a photo of a dog days, “he would just sit in my of time,” she said. easy.” Maggie and her room- include steep fines and possible labelled “in urgent need.” lap while I studied at home,” Abby fostered “working dogs mate had to feed the rabbits, loss of University housing. “I was saying I wished I Becca said. After about two in training” on the weekends. clean their cage, clip their nails, But students who live off could adopt him and save months, the dog was adopted These dogs attend school Mon- and vacuum the carpet. day through Friday to train The house rules proved to be INTRODUCING NEW & IMPROVED “in the areas of Urban Search a weak deterrent. Maggie ac- and Rescue, ovarian cancer knowledged the risk of keeping detection, narcotics detection, the rabbits but wasn’t worried. EASYCARE police work, diabetes alert, and “A couple of other people had ULTRA PREMIUM PAINTS more,” according to Penn Vet’s pets on our floor,” she remem- website. bered. “We thought we would Abby rents from Apartments probably be okay.” at Penn, which is pet–friendly The rabbits “[weren’t] a huge off–campus housing. secret,” Maggie said. “A lot of Having pets while living in people on our floor… knew we on–campus housing can be a had them and sometimes our bit more complicated. Mag- friends would come up to meet gie* housed two rabbits under them as well.” her bed while living in Kings Maggie’s RA never found

EXCELLENT QUALITY Court last year. out, and she plans to house AT A GREAT VALUE “On Super Bowl Sunday the rabbits again this year, • LIFETIME WARRANTY • ADVANCED FINISH PAINT & PRIMER we saw one of our friends on still living on campus. Fingers • 2X MORE SCRUBBABLE the floor carry [the rabbits] to crossed. TrueValuePaint.com • HANDCRAFTED IN THE USA her room, and we just kind of Monarch Hardware BEHIND EVERY PROJECT IS A followed her so we could meet *Name has been changed. 4504 Walnut Street them,” Maggie said. Philadelphia, PA 19139 The rabbits belonged to a 215-387-4199

6 34TH STREET MAGAZINE SEPTEMBER 6, 2017 EGO EGOOF THE WEEK:MAKAYLA REYNOLDS Pick up your P sweater already. HALEY WEISS

MR: One thing that we’ve re- MR Makayla Reynolds has be- kind of saw Class Board as the ally tried to do is make all of Street: What’s the best piece of : I think that…I want Penn come a big name on campus kind of thing that only a certain the traditions that we have a career advice you’ve ever got- to be more unifi ed. I think it’s since taking her place as the type of person or people from lot more aff ordable. Obviously ten? great that we have hundreds fi rst black woman to serve as a certain groups joined. I decid- Hey Day and P sweaters were MR: Someone told me of clubs and organizations and Class President at Penn (yup, ed to run because I wanted to our big things last year, so we during my freshman summer whatnot, but I also think that that’s fi rst ever). In the year and change that persona people as- tried to really publicize fi nan- internship, “Find a job where we could maybe work together a half she’s spent at the helm cribe to Class Board, and hope- cial aid for those for anyone you’re excited to get up every more. A lot of the clubs and a of Class Board 2018, Makayla fully make it more of an inclu- who asked, with no need to go day and go to work, and it’s a lot of the people are working has searched for new ways to sive representation of students into detail or put in a tax form little bit hard to leave at the end separately for the same purpose, leverage Class Board’s ability who could change what we are or anything. We wanted to of the day.” For me, that’s the so I’d love for us to be a little to change some of the more meant to do and what we can make sure that everyone is able most important thing that I’ve more unifi ed in that, and a little unsavory aspects of Penn’s cul- do on campus. to participate in these events tried to keep in mind. I know more open in terms of people ture. Her ego may be small, and traditions without feeling that I need to be in a profession being comfortable speaking up but with the impact she’s had Street: What was the demo- any fi nancial pressure. where I feel like I’m making about what they’re struggling on Penn’s campus and the sur- graphic you saw on Class Board a diff erence, where I feel like with. rounding community, we can’t that you wanted to change? Another thing we’ve tried to I’m actually doing something Street think of anyone more deserving MR: Being fi rst gen and a mi- focus on more is mental health, to better the community. And : And the most important than Makayla of the Ego of the nority at Penn, I didn’t see any- so we’ve done some partner- when I’ve had jobs where I question—what’s Amy Gut- Week title. one like the community that I ships with Active Minds and haven’t had that, it’s so much mann like? MR represented on Class Board. I Penn Wellness, and Penn Bens, harder to go, and it’s so much : Amy Gutmann is so nice. wanted to make those groups with diff erent study breaks,harder to enjoy it. I’ve realized She’s super happy, and she… Street: Your fi rst Class Board more visible and more known, and last year we did Chalk out at Penn that you don’t need to that’s kind of all I have to say. presidential campaign was dur- so that for all the events we Stigma for World Suicide Pre- be in a job where you make a ing your sophomore year. What have, apparel we sell and what- vention Day (this Sunday, Sep- lot of money. She’s very polished....but she’s made you want to join student not, Class Board would be tember 10th). We’re trying to Especially being fi rst gen, I re- awesome, she’s super nice. government at Penn? more inclusive to not only that plan a lot more of those types member thinking—and I still Makayla Reynolds: Like 90 sector of campus, but other un- of events. I think a lot of peo- do this now—when I’d see percent of us at Penn, I was in- derrepresented communities as ple are quick to say, “Oh, the people with nice cars and nice volved in student government well. administration needs to do X, clothes I’d think, “I want that in high school, so the idea was Y, and Z.” But for me, I see it one day.” But after exploring already in my mind. I didn’t Street: What are the changes all on us. Th at’s especially how diff erent career paths that are join freshman year be- you’ve made to help dif- I see Class Board, as a group very conventional for people cause I was trying to ferent communities that’s supposed to be setting the at Penn, I realized that I don’t just get acclimated get more access to culture. want that. I don’t want to do to Penn, which the things that Class that. was really hard Board is in charge of? Street: What do you get the for me. But most aggressive emails about? Street: Where would you like once the end of MR: People still haven’t picked to see Penn in fi ve years, when sophomore up their P sweaters. People’s you’re no longer here? year came parents are emailing me, asking around, if, like, they can buy another P I’d no- sweater. ticed that NAME: MAKAYLA REYNOLDS a lot of Street: People’s parents? HOMETOWN: STUART, FLORIDA people, MR: Yea! People want to come includ- pick up their kid’s P sweater for MAJOR: HEALTH AND SOCIETIES ing me, them!

Street: Can people still pick up ACTIVITIES: CLASS BOARD, BIG BROTHERS BIG their P sweaters? SISTERS, COMMUNITY SCHOOL SPONSORED PART- MR: I mean, you can email NERSHIPS, ACTIVE MINDS, CURRICULUM DEVELOP- me, but you really should MENT. have done that shit be- FRESHMAN DORM ROOM: RODNEY 509, fore. WARE COLLEGE HOUSE

SEPTEMBER 6, 2017 34TH STREET MAGAZINE 7 VICE & VIRTUE ACTUALLY BE PRODUCTIVE THIS SEMESTER

It’s the first week of classes going to be five minutes early to changes to ensure that you CVS ten minutes before your out any distracting websites for and you are feeling GOOD. all your lectures this semester. maintain some semblance of class, get yourself a notebook a set amount of time while you Like really, really good. You’ve This campus is your oyster. The productivity throughout the that’ll take the edge off of hav- get work done. But be warned, made it a personal goal to ac- opportunities are endless. This year. ing to handwrite notes in that Self Control has actually zero tually eat breakfast before your year is going to be different, Let’s start with something one Arts and Letters class that chill. Disabling the app before 9 a.m. recitations, and you’ve dammit. you probably haven’t actively won’t let you open up your the timer expires is no easy feat, decided that for once you’re go- So let’s capitalize on those thought about since middle laptop. Fill these journals with so if you’re looking for some- ing to actually show face at all good vibes before midterm szn school: your school supplies. class notes, daily to–do lists thing a little more lenient, try your lectures this semester. No, hits and all hell breaks loose. Instead of picking up a store- or even schedule out your day Strict Workflow (don’t let the wait. Shoot for the stars. You’re It isn’t difficult to make small brand spiral notebook from hour by hour if that’ll help you name scare you), a similar tool feel a little calmer about getting offered as a Chrome extension. your shit done. Strict Workflow follows a 25/5 Speaking of scheduling, if working model, meaning it’ll written out agendas aren’t your block a personalized list of web- Back to thing, repeat after us: Google sites for 25 minutes and then Calendar is my friend. Google give you a 5 minute break to Calendar is my friend. Google quickly take care of all of your School Calendar is my friend. Down- urgent Facebook stalking needs. load the app. Throw your class Do you want to feel like an schedule on there and add all overachiever and keep using Sale your club events. Your new that five minute study break friend can even help you fit productively? Try Calm.com goals into your schedule. for a quick guided medita- As for all the time you’re tion to help you refocus your September 8 - 10 not in class and are trying to thoughts, or download Head- get things done? First things space if you’re looking for a first, get a good study playlist. more long–term commitment Street’s got you covered with to some serious zen. All in all, Everything in the our new Essential Study Playl- we know that getting a new ist. But if you’re looking to put notebook and finding a medita- store is 10-60% off your own spin on your work tion app isn’t going to solve all tunes, create your own playlist your problems. But sometimes, or consider making a collabora- it’s the little things that make tive playlist with a friend where getting your life together a little you can combine forces to cre- easier. ate a great study soundtrack. For the gung–ho no distrac- tion studier, Self Control, a computer app, is the way to go. Turn on Self Control to block JILLIAN KARANDE

8 34TH STREET MAGAZINE SEPTEMBER 6, 2017 FEATURE

SEPTEMBER 6, 2017 34TH STREET MAGAZINE 9 FEATURE FEATURE

The need for a bystander, someone to step in and prevent any future sexu- al activity between Maya and another person, is not in dispute.

Max Arias, pictured in the Hospital of the University of Pennsylvania after the fight on April 8.

"Thank you for coming to get me i was way too drunk to be there," Maya texted dante that morning. 11 10 101 34TH STREET MAGAZINE SEPTEMBER 6, 2017 SEPTEMBER 6, 2017 34TH STREET MAGAZINE 111 FEATURE

"Being with him at ALLY JOHNSON, parties, he would THE ASSIGNMENTS EDITOR OF THE DAILY not bring a girl home PENNSYLVANIAN, CONTRIBUTED REPORTING who was too drunk TO THIS FEATURE.

to consent," AndY REBECCA TAN IS A COLLEGE JUNIOR SAYS OF MAX. STUDYING ENGLISH AND HISTORY FROM SINGAPORE. SHE IS THE SENIOR NEWS EDITOR OF THE DAILY PENNSYLVANIAN.

DAN SPINELLI IS A COLLEGE SENIOR STUDYING ENGLISH FROM THE SUBURBS OF PHILADELPHIA. HE IS THE EXECUTIVE EDITOR OF THE DAILY PENNSYLVANIAN.

CAMILLE RAPAY IS A COLLEGE JUNIOR FROM DOBBS FERRY, N.Y. SHE IS A DAILY PENNSYLVANIAN DESIGN EDITOR.

12 34TH STREET MAGAZINE SEPTEMBER 6, 2017 VICE & VIRTUE

Razing the bar. THE HAIR REMOVAL BIBLE MORGAN POTTS SHAVING dirt and germs. A good moistur- uct on a small patch of skin ful over time. You might feel Cons: The pain. Having The Basics: If you remove izing strip helps the razor glide first, ideally on your leg or arm awkward about a total stranger someone apply hot wax to your any hair on your body, you’ve smoothly, and a flexible razor in a place where any potential getting so up close and personal skin and tear it off is about as probably tried shaving. Always head helps to prevent nicks. irritation won’t be super notice- with your hairy legs, and even fun as you would think it might use a sharp, clean razor, and Try a razor like Venus Sensi- able or bothersome. If you don’t more so if you go for the bi- be, and you can get burned if never shave on dry skin. Shav- tive Disposable Razor ($11.99), have any irritation, then test the kini wax (or the "Brozilian"[Ed. the salon isn't careful to keep ing cream is a good idea, par- which offers both. For shav- product on a small patch of skin note: It's not a typo; it's a it at the right temperature. It’s ticularly if you have sensitive ing cream, EOS Shave Cream in the place you intend to use it. thing]). Exfoliate the night or also important to go to a repu- skin. To soften your hair, use ($4.49) is so moisturizing it's If there’s still no irritation, then morning before for best results. table salon and watch to make conditioner instead of shaving okay to dry shave with it, or if you can try the product on the Take an Ibuprofen 30 minutes sure your esthetician gets a new cream. For legs and underarms, you want to skip the pink tax, entire area. Hair removal creams before your appointment to stick every time they dip into shave against the direction of Gillette Foamy Sensitive Shave are fairly straightforward to use: help with the pain. Wear leg- the wax. If you don’t, you can hair growth. For the bikini area, Cream ($3.19) works great for just apply the cream on the de- gings or sweats, because your contract infections and STDs try shaving with the direction all genders. sired area and then wipe it off skin will be sensitive and red from waxing. The regrowth pe- of hair growth to minimize ir- Gentlemen, take note: Do with a damp washcloth. Then for at least the next few hours. riod is also a downside, since it’s ritation. If you can’t get a close not use an electric razor that is hop in the shower to rinse off, If you have very sensitive skin, important not to shave between enough shave, shave from left intended for your face on more taking care to ensure that the you might have redness for a waxes, as the hair needs to grow to right if you’re right handed, sensitive areas. Just trust us on water isn’t too hot. Always read few days (Ed. note: If that's you, out to at least 1/8 inch to be or right to left if you’re a lefty. this one. There are electric ra- the directions on the cream, do not wax your eyebrows, you waxed again. It varies by per- Don’t ever share a razor, and if zors that are safe to use on the and never leave it on for more will regret it), and the first time son, but is usually 2–3 weeks. you shave more than one part groin area, but make sure your than the recommended period you get any area waxed, you Where: If you talk to friends of your body, it’s not a bad idea razor is one of them. of time. might bleed and/or bruise. The who wax, odds are at least one to have different razors for each. Benefits: There’s little to no salons sell serums that help with of them swears by Kate at Ad- Benefits: Shaving minimizes HAIR risk of injury or mishap, as long irritation, but aloe and a cold olf Biecker (138 South 34th ingrown hairs and irritation, REMOVAL as you test out the product on compress is an inexpensive fix St, $13–$70). For a cheaper, and is the least expensive hair your skin in advance. You can’t that works wonders. When the but farther option, try Natalie removal method. It also offers CREAM cut or burn yourself, and it lasts hair starts growing back in, ex- at European Wax Center (35 the shortest turnaround time The Basics: Hair removalup to four days. foliate—it’s an essential step in South 18th St, $10–$68). They between touch ups. cream is a great middle ground Cons: Most hair removal the battle against ingrown hairs. offer a first time discount (or Cons: The hair grows back between shaving and waxing, creams smell terrible, and there Benefits: Completely smooth you can get your eyebrows for quickly, often after a day or so. but if you haven’t used the is the potential for redness and skin for about two weeks post– free!), and a student package, Product Picks: A disposable product before, don’t just go for peeling if a product irritates wax. You will never get your which gets you four waxes for razor is an absolute must if you it. Hair removal cream dissolves your skin. skin this smooth with a razor. the price of three. don’t want to clean your razor. the hair just underneath the Over time, waxing also de- Razors are a breeding ground skin, making it longer–lasting WAXING creases the amount, thickness The Basics: This is not for the for bacteria, and the microscop- than shaving, but also increas- and darkness of hair, but don’t faint of heart. Yes, it is going to ic nicks they cause in your skin ing the potential for irritation. expect noticeable progress for hurt, but it does get less pain- are the perfect entry point for It’s important to test the prod- about six months.

SEPTEMBER 6, 2017 34TH STREET MAGAZINE 13 FILM & TV TELL US WHERE YOU STUDY AND WE'LL TELL YOU WHAT MOVIE TO WATCH We'd all rather be on Netflix CATALINA DRAGOI

Saxby's – Van Pelt Library – Amélie (2001) Thelma & Louise (1991) If there’s one thing that’s uni- versal for all Penn students Saxby’s screams late afternoon study session with the girls. regardless of school, it’s the While you’re catching up on your coursework over coffee and despair that’s so characteris- chit–chat, feel free to plan a movie night in. Street suggests tic of those late–night study Thelma & Louise—it’s a great story about two women who sessions in VP. When you’re decide to live freely, at least for a weekend. After all, once in buried in papers, books and a while you need to let go, and this movie is a great reason sticky notes, all you need is for a break. a little pick–me–up. Amélie does just that. Quirky, eclec- tic and whimsical, Jean–Pierre Jeunet’s “love story” is sure to put a smile on your face.

Huntsman Hall– The Game (1997) Starbucks under Commons– Midnight in Paris (2011) Though Whartonites dream of success stories and lav- ish lives à la Jordan Belfort, the simple reality is that at This place is Penn's equivalent of this very moment, they’re probably stuck in a GSR. If the Gryffindor Common Room: you find yourself in this situation and decide to take a it’s not necessarily a study spot, study break, watch The Game. It’s not your typical Wall but many students choose to turn Street story, but rather a complicated puzzle that will it into one, thanks to its conve- keep you entertained. nience and never–ending supply of coffee. People who prefer its lively and friendly atmosphere probably enjoy watching movies in a social serving setting, which means the film itself Philadelphia has to be light and engaging—just for over like Midnight in Paris. 25 years Hubbub– The 400 Blows (1959) A lot of people like the social as- pect of studying in a coffee shop, Lunch Buffet - $9.95 but if you’re too cool for Starbucks, you’re probably too cool for mov- Welcome ies with no subtitles, too—and Dinner Buffet - $12.95 HubBub is a melting pot for cool people. While some might prefer StudentExp.Exp. Discounts 2/23/12 4/11/12 Available with Valid I.D. CLASS OF newer arthouse films to older ones, For Fast Delivery Call 215-386-1941Closed Mondays one thing is certain: Truffaut’s de- but is a classic, and still makes a Order online great conversation starter regard- 2016 Buffet • Drinks less of the movie opinions of your for Pick-up cinephile of choice. or delivery Specials • Take-out Exp.Exp. 2/23/12 4/11/12Welcome 14 34THFor STREET Fast MAGAZINEDeliverySEPTEMBER Call 215-386-1941 6, 2017 CLASSExp.Exp. 2/23/12 4/11/12 OF For Fast Delivery Call 215-386-1941 2016

Exp.Exp. 2/23/12 4/11/12 For Fast Delivery Call 215-386-1941 FILM & TV PREVIEWING THE VENICE FILM FESTIVAL

Tune in and get hype

For those who pore over Black Swan) directs this psy- (expect lots of quirky bizarre on spending. We don’t have a movies each and every day, film chological horror film starring humor) and stars Matt Damon, full trailer yet, but the cast is festivals are like mini–Olympics Jennifer Lawrence and Javier Oscar Isaac and the always– packed with talent and the su- a few times per year. Cannes, Bardem about a couple whose flawless Julianne Moore. Es- per short teaser we DO have Sundance,Toronto—these lives are interrupted by two sentially, Damon plays a father looks incredibly sleek. This is events are where the year’s pre- mysterious strangers who ar- whose life, for reasons we can’t definitely a big change from mier Oscar contenders compete rive at their home and ask to really tell, gets flipped upside Payne's most recent film, the for the spotlight and praise stay with them. One look at down as he becomes wrapped quiet black and white 2013 from the critics. The first week the trailer shows that this movie up in the criminal underworld drama Nebraska, but Payne is of September always brings us looks about as odd and unset- of his idyllic suburban town. one of the most assured direc- the Venice Film Festival, which, tling as you’d think, and for The film shares elements of Downsizing tors working today, so it's best due to its proximity to Oscar those who’ve grown a bit weary A Serious Man and Burn Af- Movie buffs have been hear- to just put our trust in him. season, becomes a huge barom- of Jennifer Lawrence’s last few ter Reading (two other Coen ing about this movie for years. Expect to hear about this movie eter for which films wil be talked plucky generic roles, her sto- brother flicks), and definitely Alexander Payne (the director on Oscar nomination morning. about for the next few months. ryline seems to be much dark- plays off of the 1950s ideal behind Election, The Descen- Downsizing opened the festival, Last year, the festival showcased er than we’re used to seeing. family stereotype. Clooney has dants, and Sideways) is behind but for those who didn't want films like La La Land, Arrival, Aronofsky is the king of this acted in films directed by the this sci–fi dramedy about a to shell out a plane ticket to and Jackie—all of which went genre, so it should be a fantastic Coen brothers before, so it’ll be couple living in the future (por- Venice, you'll have to wait un- on to garner tons of awards and creepy flick (and, based on the interesting to see how it turns trayed by Matt Damon and til December 27th when it hits success. The festival has already trailer, the score sounds fantas- out when they collaborate in Kristen Wiig) who decide to theaters. started, so Street is here to give tic). Check this one out at the this different way. See this one use new technology to shrink you a rundown of all of Venice’s Cinemark in just a few weeks in theaters on October 27th. themselves down to cut back DALTON DESTEFANO highly anticipated films your on September 15th. one cinema studies friend will be bothering you to watch for the next three months. beer springfi eld distributor Studying too hard? Take a break Suburbicon with us. Some may not know this, but in addition to being a great actor, George Clooney is also Mother! a pretty accomplished direc- Darren Aronofsky (director tor. His newest effort is a script WE DELIVER of Requiem for a Dream and penned by the Coen brothers 2206 Washington ave, Philadelphia (215) 546-7301

SEPTEMBER 6, 2017 34TH STREET MAGAZINE 15

WE DELIVER! Corner of 27th and South St. (215) 546-7301 DIRECTIONS: East on Chestnut, right on 23rd, right on Lombard springfi eldbeer.net ARTS PHILLY FASHION INCUBATOR: OUR OWN TAKE ON FASHION WEEK MICHAELA TINKEY Move over, NYFW

Most of us associate fashion ter stage in Philly. ion designers and the Phila- tional design workshops. The helping new arrivals and re- with the major capitals of the The Philadelphia Fashiondelphia fashion community. work of several past design- cent fashion grads break into world: New York, Paris, Mi- Incubator is a Philadelphia The program is supported by ers–in–residence will also be the business. With the nur- lan and Tokyo. However, this based nonprofit located inPhiladelphia’s three most de- shown. Each of the program’s ture of organizations like PFI, September, our own lovely city the Center City Macy's (1300 sign–friendly schools: Drexel’s designers–in–residence has at- the small, highly concentrated trades in its cheesesteaks for Market St.) whose mission Design Program, The Moore tended a series of workshops fashion scene of Philadelphia couture and fashion takes cen- is to support emerging fash- College of Arts and Design designed to teach them basic has the potential to rival New and Philadelphia University. financial management, brand York’s. This year, as part of the larger building and, ultimately, how This year's Philly Fashion Philadelphia Fashion Week, to break into the Philadelphia Week also includes events like fashion market. These design- a runway show focusing on the Live music • Film • Dance • Theater Art the fashion incubator is put- ting on its own runway show ers will debut their pieces for Macy’s Spring Collection, two Education • Community on Monday September, 18th the collective's upcoming shows dedicated to high–end in Dilworth Park. spring season. Guests can shop couture designers and a show each designer's collection after benefiting the Made Institute, Sep 7, 8 & 9 2017 @ 3:00 & 8:00 PM The show features work from the design house’s designers– the show in the store's pop–up a design school in Philly. In the Sanctuary! Pericles in–residence Janell Wysock, within the Center City Macy’s. So while it may be tempt- Pericles is a man who cannot find safe harbor from This show is just one com- ing to make the short trip up the storms of fate. Original music and movement Latasha Hall, Sara Keel, Ra- help create a dark world of assassins, brothels and chel Mednick, Jessica Joy Lon- ponent of Philadelphia’s grow- to New York when we want to shipwrecks for audiences to explore. This rarely don and Amy Voloshin. These ing effort to showcase its own experience the glamour of the produced Shakespearean epic marks the premiere designers all completed a vig- fashion scene over New York’s. fashion world, this time, stick of Die-Cast, founded by designer Thom Weaver and orous application process to be Given the small size of Philly’s around and see Philly’s own director Brenna Geffers. selected for the Philadelphia fashion community, the in- brand of haute couture. Fashion Incubator’s educa- cubator plays a large role in Sep 8 2017 @ 8:00 PM A Case for Magic: Master Magician Robert Malissa Award-winning magician Robert Malissa puts the art of the trick on trial. He will lie, cheat, and smile as he presents sleight of hand, mentalism, and deceptive swindles, while making a case for the craft of deception. A fair and balanced examination of the art, for lovers of magic and their ambivalent friends.

Sep 9 2017 @ 7:00 PM The Science of Sound 2: Groove-able Notions Owen Valentine (formerly Fiidla) brings you “The Science of Sound 2: Groove-able Notions” Grooves and Funky tales From Vocalist-Violinist Owen Valentine And Urban Classique Guest Guitarist Gabriele Tesfa Guma Image courtesy of Flickr

As an alcohol-free/smoke-free venue, The Rotunda provides an invaluable social alternative for all ages. 4014 Walnut • TheRotunda.org

16 34TH STREET MAGAZINE SEPTEMBER 6, 2017 ARTS

Satisfy your inner urban explorer GET DOWN TO SHERRY TSENG

garbage, Graf- path, where you'll see the pier. fiti Pier, oth- It’s not just a place for the erwise known urban explorer community as Graffiti Un- to gather. On any given visit, derground, is you can spot street artists an abandoned spraying over layers and lay- coal mining ers of existing artwork and pier that has photographers capturing the since become ever–changing murals of art. the home to But the place is not just fre- many, whether quented by artists who make that be art- huge artistic statements. ists themselves Many go to throw up their or spectators. tags, which essentially means Legally, the signing their pseudonyms (as This week, it’s someone’s Pier is still pri- most people use to identify name plastered over the con- vate property and visitors themselves or to avoid get- crete pillars. The next, it’s are technically considered ting into trouble). Others use Mickey Mouse and Min- to be trespassing. There is the Pier to smoke and drink. nie Mouse getting it on. It’s even an unspoken rule about On some occasions, a game Graffiti Pier—one of Phila- never giving out the location. of paintball will be going on, delphia’s hidden gems and However, you can get there the splashes of color adding to the next Magic Gardens for by entering Graffiti Pier as the vibrant artwork that has your “wow I’m a true Philly the location for your Uber since colored the gray pillars. in the late eighteenth centu- used to serve as the stage for local” Instagram post (except or arrive there by private car. The Pier started as a haven ry, a woodsman Necho Allen underground shows for punk better and free of charge). For the latter, once you reach for graffiti art in the early built a campfire in Pottsville and rock bands, though they Littered with broken glass the nearby parking lot, either 1970s. But before that, it was and fell asleep. He woke up have discontinued today. and a random assortment of jump over or duck under the a major coal mining pier in to the sound of sputtering Max K.* was looking for fence and then follow the Philadelphia. The story is that and crackling. The ground a creative outlet to express was warm; as it turned out, himself after being dissuaded the ground he had built the by the otherwise more con- fire on was not made of rock, ventional forms of art. In but anthracite. So began the Sam I.’s* case, he just wanted coal industry in Philadelphia. to leave his mark in what With this growth came the he felt was a “cool and dan- railroad industry. However, gerous” place. Both found as coal came to be replaced their purposes at the Pier. by natural gas and oil, the Graffiti Underground is leading railroad company, definitely one of the few Conrail, which owned the places to visit during your railroad through Graffitifour years at Penn. Its awe Pier, was broken up by two can be explained only by of its competitors, CSX first hand experience. Bring Transportation and Norfolk your new friends from Southern Railway. The real- NSO, meet your Tinder location of its assets to two date here, or host your next companies forced a break in BYO here—it’s worth it. the railroad tracks, leaving the Graffiti Pier abandoned. *Names have been changed Since then, the pier has become the go–to for artists Images courtesy of Pixabay.. and explorers alike. It also

SEPTEMBER 6, 2017 34TH STREET MAGAZINE 17 LOWBROW GOOGLE MAPS DIRECTIONS TO NAVIGATE ALL FOUR YEARS OF COLLEGE SHOSHANA STERNSTEIN Image Courtesy of Pixabay Continue straight towards freshman NSO for 71 new friend requests and one regretful DFMO. Calculating...calculating... friend requests. At the firstturn right into Greek life. In 0.5 microwaved popcorn and sleep. are still on the fastest route. calculating… drunk embarrassment, exit left months, Greek life merges to be- At the roundabout, take the You will arrive whenever your You are on the fastest route to first day of classes. come chapter meetings and cult- third exit if you want to go parents politely ask that you to eternal fulfillment (eternal Advisor meeting reported ish tendencies. abroad. Perhaps exit the round- move out of their home. fulfillment subject to change). ahead. Estimated delay while Keep left to avoid questions about and never come back. You will arrive tired, cynical, advisor asks why you didn’t take about your major. ...Recalculating... and hopefully, with at least one more APs: 30 minutes. Estimat- Places to eat found on route: …Recalculating… Updated state of arrival: job offer (job offer subject to ed time spent telling people that 1. Starbucks: a good cry on the Continue straight to OCR. jobless. Continue proudly change). you’re a CIS major: one and a phone to your mom 2. Kitchen Potholes on road ahead. Smile. toward Senior Week through Continue straight towards half semesters. Gia: a vent sesh with your room- Build your resume. Relax. Inter- Smokes'. Enter Franklin Field freshman NSO for 71 new If desired, use the rush lane to mate and a panini 3. Your bed: view train. Don’t be stressed. Re- for graduation; watch out for search companies. Deep breaths. unexpected clogging in the Maintain eye contact. Get a job. divorced parents section. A collision of overblown Whenever possible, make personal expectations and crip- a legal U–turn to return to pling self–doubt has caused a freshman NSO. job slowdown of one year. You LOWBROW IS FAKER THAN YOUR SISTER'S WELCOME BACK! BROTHER'S COUSIN'S It’s not too early to start looking ID FROM IOWA. for housing for next year! SERIOUSLY. UPGRADE Call us today. We’d love to help you find a great place! THAT SHIT. www.apartmentsatpenn.com 215.222.0222 ALSO JOIN STREET. At Penn, At Home.

18 34TH STREET MAGAZINE SEPTEMBER 6, 2017 LOWBROW

WHARTON CREATES “UPPER-LEVEL” SEMINAR DEDICATED TO GAINING 500 LINKEDIN CONNECTIONS

Do I know you? Who cares!

CAMI POTTER

Where students in the past secure job success post-gradua- lecture—so exciting! And so far, several Wharton seniors to be just a class for pathetic simple- may have flocked to Adamtion, but I’ve realized I’m wrong. I’ve only gotten like four mes- interviewed on the record for tons who didn’t even have their Grant’s popular “MGMT 238: The answer is having at least 500 sages that ask me, 'Do I know this article, but none consented, portraits professionally done.” Organizational Behavior” class, connections on LinkedIn.” you? Stop stalking me.' Maybe with one anonymous Wharton Interested applicants should this fall, a new class has taken “The grading is based on a don’t put that last piece in the senior commenting, “I had 500 connect with Professor Johnson it’s place: “MGMT 601: Adding fairly complicated algorithm… interview.” LinkedIn connections when I on LinkedIn. People On LinkedIn.” let me see if I can put it in terms Street attempted to contact was in 11th grade; this is clearly The class is cross–listed with that your simpler ears would un- Economics. Administrators derstand. If you can get over 500 reportedly attempted to also connections, then you get an A. cross–list it with Computer Anything less will be an F,” elab- Science but were denied by de- orated Johnson, after a lengthy partmental officials, who said sermon on why impractical col- in a statement, “Sorry, we’re not lege degrees get you nowhere home.” these days. $9.99 FAJITAS - THURSDAYS 5PM - 10PM Wharton Professor John The class consists of 40 min- Johnson, a university professor utes of adding people on Linke- for over 40 years, claims that dIn from the University of 10 PM this class is the only way one can Pennsylvania and 40 minutes of obtain a job after college. adding literally anyone you pos- to “I once thought a fine un- sibly can. derstanding of Reagan–era eco- College senior Susan Susan- 2 AM nomic principles, as well as a son, who recently enrolled in soul–crushing desire for person- the class, said, “I already have 16 al wealth, were the only ways to connections just from the first HMU ON LINKEDIN, STREET'S DOWN TO CONNECT ;) 40th & Spruce St., University city • 215-382-1330 • copauc.com

SEPTEMBER 6, 2017 34TH STREET MAGAZINE 19 OPEN LATE & LATE NITE DELIVERY

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20 34TH STREET MAGAZINE SEPTEMBER 6, 2017