September 17, 2012

volume 12 - issue 3 - tuesday, september 18, 2012 - uvm, burlington, vt uvm.edu/~watertwr - thewatertower.tumblr.com by rebeccalaurion Let me start out by saying that if you didn’t attend the Seth Meyers comedy show on September 6th, you really missed out. I’ll be the first to admit that the most recent seasons of Saturday Night Live (of which Meyers is the Head Writer, for those of you unaware) haven’t been the show’s best. So I was worried that the evening would be filled with the same lackluster material I’ve come to expect from Meyers, week after week. I was actually concerned that the highlight of the evening would be when everyone decided to simultaneously belt out by bendonovan “Somebody that I Used to Know” when it played over the loudspeakers. In the interest of full disclosure, I should So you can imagine my surprise when start by saying that I have been a lifelong Meyers stepped onto the stage, and pro- Democrat—I’ve worked on campaigns, I’ve ceeded to actually make me laugh. And interned for Democratic politicians, and not just in a chuckle-quietly-at-a-pass- I’ve voted Democrat in every election I’ve ing-humorous-remark style, but actually been eligible to participate in. laughing, leaning-forward-in-your-seat- But at the Democratic National Con- because-you-can’t-sit-upright laughing. vention in Charlotte, North Carolina two The question must be asked, however, weeks ago, and in over the subsequent week of why Meyers was more entertaining live of campaigning, the Democrats pulled off a in person than live on television. The an- stunt that surprised even me—they man- swer: Meyers’ audience was different. In aged to make themselves likeable to a broad our sauna of a gymnasium, among sweaty swath of the American electorate. katharine longfellow hipsters, jocks, preps, and the occasional Yes, the very same party that just eight ous problem getting its message across to alone. Any candidate who can’t convince menopause victim, he wasn’t as censored as years ago seemed doomed to shoot blanks he is on national television. While we could forever by running absolute fucking duds the people who need to hear it most; to the middle of the country that he gives a key demographic groups like middle-class shit and can get things done is in serious relate to stories about hiding porn, hooking like John Kerry—a wooden, characterless, up on futons, pot, and studying abroad (I painful-to-watch Northeastern country- women and politically-moderate work- trouble. ing class men, the Democrats too often But at the convention, President Obama can now no longer hear “Ou est la biblio- club liberal with all the charm and person- theque?” without spitting out my drink), ality of your friendly neighborhood certi- and the Democrats did exactly what they needed to these jokes wouldn’t have received the same fied public accountant—appears to have the democrats did exactly what reaction from an older crowd. Many of the pulled its head out of its ass for the second do, and they did it well— they portrayed themselves people watching SNL week after week are time in four years and presented itself as a they needed to do, and they did it those, like my parents, who have been there party full of people you might actually want as the party that cares about well—they portrayed themselves working Americans. They since its inception. We already know that to have a beer with some day, a feat I imag- younger people see the world differently, ine is up there with winning the Pennsylva- as the party that cares about played the role of smart, capable, reasonable adults and what resonates with us will be different nia lottery nine times in a row by playing than the generation that came before. Merle Haggard’s birthday numbers. working americans. for once, they who were more interested in solutions than politics. Clearly what resonates with us are the As just about everyone from political acted like leaders. subjects older generations balk at: sex, scientists to my hillbilly relatives will read- For once, they acted like leaders. drugs, and bodily functions. And let’s face ily tell you, the Democratic Party has long it: the raunchier the comedy, the more suc- been plagued by a problem of perception; came off sounding aloof and professorial, Bill Clinton’s speech succeeded in ham- wishy-washy on national security, and out mering home fundamental differences be- cessful it tends to be, like American Pie, Su- too often, they’ve lacked the ability to sell perbad, The Hangover, Borat—just to name their ideas in language most people in of touch with the way most Americans talk tween the philosophies of the Democrats and think. and the Republicans—“We Democrats,” he a few examples. Unfortunately, we live in a middle-America can relate to. And while culture where crudeness can be more en- the’ve fielded the occasional candidate— This election year, that challenge seems said, “think the country works better with more prescient than ever; with unemploy- a strong middle class, real opportunities tertaining than wit. And though SNL has Bill Clinton comes to mind, as do Senators certainly matured in what they will and will like Mark Warner of Virginia or Patrick ment still hovering above 8% and eco- for poor people to work their way into it nomic growth still lagging, it’s tough for an and a relentless focus on the future…We not talk about on air (For the two of you Leahy of Vermont—who could break that out there who haven’t seen it, do yourself mold, the party as a whole has had a seri- incumbent President to run on his record think ‘we’re all in this together’ is a better ... read the rest on page 3 ... read the rest on page 4 scalibrine calls it quits catscratch fever app of the week music mash-ups by scottbluni by kerrymartin by patrickmurhpy by lauragreenwood news ticker: I’m not sure there is enough text on this page, what do you think? +++ I hope Mariel’s drawing is supposed to be Romney as a ventriloquist, with his hand thrust deep in Ryan’s colon. g strong middle class, a sense of common kevin kennedy DNC – continued from page 1 purpose, and progress that all Americans philosophy than ‘you’re on your own.’” It can share in equally if they work hard and by scottbluni was Clinton at his finest—charming but play by the rules. He reminded listeners humble, a smart speech delivered in folksy that he never promised a quick or easy After 11 NBA seasons, the all-star Arkansas twang that conveyed big ideas in recovery, but highlighted the successes of MVP champion of all our hearts will be a down-to-earth manner. The Obama cam- the last four years—a healthcare bill that retiring from playing basketball. Brian paign has been wise to utilize Clinton as its expands coverage to millions of people, Scalabrine, the iconic redhead power for- secret weapon, trotting him out at rallies economic policies that stopped the country ward, became a cult hero while playing and using him in TV ads in battleground from sliding into another depression, and for five seasons with the Boston Celtics. states; campaigning with Bill is the political an end to the war in Iraq. Starting in 2005, the White Mamba (as he Dear readers, There was equivalent of hitting on a girl while you’re Meanwhile, the Republicans—already was called by players and fans alike) was just too much walking a puppy, and goddamn if he hasn’t in trouble after the debacle they attempt- a nearly permanent fixture on the Celtics’ Dear Editors James and Liz, shit this week been firing on all cylinders. ed to pass off as a convention earlier this bench, however, whenever he got onto the You demand feedback, I respond. It was beautiful here this summer, I went swimming. Swimming James and Liz, swimming. Now everything sucks and to fit the list Even Vice President Joe Biden, nor- month in Tampa—have spent the last two court the crowd would erupt with joyous I blame you. I hate you people, and mind you I don’t mean that in this new-age hippy dippy you people kind of way. I mean it in the “what do you mean you on this page. mally a clumsy speaker prone to embar- weeks with their foot in their mouth. With- applause and chanting. While Scal never people,” way. Two weeks after you start publishing your so-called newspaper, the weather turns to shit. I can only blame this calamity on you. This is not the Check it out rassing public gaffes, managed to pull out much in the way of a concrete plan of averaged more than 4 minutes per game usual UVM shit weather. The this place was an awful choice, why the fuck did I come here, my penis has actually managed to chap through my pants, and on page 4! off a flawless address at the convention, his own, Romney had little to say about the and only played scrap time, he was eas- my balls are one solid chunk of ice sort of weather. This is September. This is early September, and I’m wearing long johns. Dan and Megan published for at contrasting both his and Obama’s modest policies the Obama campaign has been out- ily one of the most loved players in recent least 5 issues before the weather turned to shit last year.

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