“Keep the Cat Free”

07/12/12 Issue 1534 felixonline.co.uk

FOOD FOR THOUGHT? Broadsheet looks into doing a Year in Industry, and has some top tips! Lording it over us? Your magazine from the RCSU FREE An interview with Lord Norton about the Roving Reporter We see what Curiosity has been up to

House of Lords and reform. Pages 8-9 Win RCSU Tickets! It’s all in the head Try our puzzles to win Winter Ball Fill your brain with (more) science – we tickets! It’s fun and completely free have a roundup of podcasts for you

Issue 3 – December 2012 www.rcsu.org.uk/broadsheet Pick up your copy. Pick up your even be next to Felix... It may

Over £45,000 raised Massive building in Charity Week Inside...>> project underway Clubs&Socs Maciej Matuszewski Reporter Tim Arbabzadah Editor-in-Chief Page 3 Any keen eyed students who were at Imperial last year will defi nitely notice the diff erences around campus, spe- Student escorts? Mongolian cifi cally the Mechanical Engineering Building. Th is is not a simple reclad- A company trying to get summer camp 10 ding to revamp the building’s look. It is >> in fact part of a major redevelopment female students to pay for of building on the South Kensington Imperial get all Gok Wan with a refurbishment and refreshment. their student loan with campus. Steve Howe, Director of Capi- Before (above) and after (below) of the Mechanical Engineering building escorting has been found tal Projects and Planning, has said that 5 BUSINESS what you see is just the “tip of the ice- Page berg” describing the plans as a “huge project”. International reply Th e multi million pound project, believed to be costing roughly £39m, Following on from the has been termed the Aeronautical Me- story about the fees paid by chanical Engineering Project (AMP). international students, we get It will be performed over a number of years, meaning some changes may not some opinions on the matter even be seen by the current cohort of Page 6 fi rst year students. >> 7 FinanceSoc host CSR conference Podcasting: being slowly rolled out. Page 4 >> 21 SPORT

Hockey destroy arrogant Kings >>53 2 FRIDAY 07 DECEMBER EDITOR’S PICKS

FASHION >>29 FILM >>30 PUZZLES >>51 Fast fashion? Christmas fi lms! LAST CHANCE Fashion has been gone for a It’s the best holiday The last chance this week to while but makes a glorious movies for the ridicu- storm up the leaderboard return just before the end of lously cold nights. and become the biggest term. This week, is high fash- Home Alone is a must FUCWIT of them all. Plus a ion becoming fast fashion? really. festive, massive, nonogram.

CLASSIFIEDS Merry Christmas Tutor wanted for A Level

I am looking for a tutor to review my daughter’s A2 Biology coursework (EDEXCEL). She is repeating in Tim Arbabzadah January ‘12 but is getting little help from school and Editor-in-Chief we need someone who is experienced with EDEXCEL coursework and can give her advice on where she is The title says it all really! Merry Christ- somewhere else at some point, but it sue is actually just one mas and have a fantastic new year will be interesting to see what hap- of many with lecture going wrong and how to improve it. There probably is everybody. If you have exams, then, pens with that space. videos/audio, but, no need for you to meet my daughter and everything as I said before: relax, panic a bit, but Podcasting, well, it’s a reality in a as it’s Christ- try to take at very least Christmas Day way. It was a big thing a while ago and mas, and un- can be done by email/phone. She can send a pdf by and New Year’s Eve off. Saying that, they are crawling their way out. By less you want email and we can discuss how you can help, what you I’m pretty sure that for my third and that I mean that they are being rolled smaller pretty fourth year exams I didn’t take New out at a pace that a snail would scorn pictures (which you will charge and how to pay you. Year’s Eve off. Not to rub it in your fac- for being “a bit slow”. The big question don’t) I will es, but this is the fi rst exam free holi- really is: if others can do it, why can’t leave it If interested get in contact with Paul day I’ve had in years and I’m frankly we? Yeah, obviously you shouldn’t at that absolutely loving it. just do something as others do, but and let email: [email protected] I also want to use this opportunity that’s not the point here. you mull over the and space to openly invite every sin- This is an issue I fi nd interesting as I idea of podcasts gle person to write for Felix! Honestly, think it would have been pretty useful. yourself. They I don’t bite, unless you’re into that sort There was one lecturer who did pod- were brought of thing. It really is a great break from casts in my time, but that was it from up, specifi cally a n d your work and can be lots of fun. Plus, what I remember. I don’t under- unprompted, in feed- LOLCAT OF TEH WEEK: Finding these is a perk of the job groan, it may even look alright on stand what’s so tough about back question- naires. your CV. recording something and However, think a b o u t There are some other issues shoving it on the in- this: do you w a n t to address though. The Holland ternet. Obviously, them if you don’t have them? Do you Club will soon be closing its doors. that’s not the hard use them at all if you do? It would be Maybe it’ll pop u p part. The tough bit really interesting to see how much is the boring stuff of the student body thinks about people not it would be a great wanting to be seen addition to learn- lecturing in public. ing resourc- es. This raises the inevi- table: if you’ve got nothing to hide, then what’s the problem ques- tion. That is-

Felix, Beit Quad, Prince Consort Road, London SW7 2BB. Email: [email protected]. Tel: 020 7594 8072. Fax: 020 7594 8065. THIS BROUGHT Printed by Iliffe Print Cambridge, Winship Road, Cambridge. Registered newspaper ISSN 1040-0711. Copyright © Felix 2012. WEEK WASTO YOUBY Editor-in-Chief Tim Arbabzadah Deputy Editor Saskia Verhagen Assistant Editor Matt Colvin News Editor Aemun Reza Features Editors Caroline Wood, Stephen Smith Business Editor Deepka Rana Science Editors Philip Kent, Laurence Pope, Philippa Skett Politics Editors Padraic Calpin, Marie-Laure Hicks Food Editors Carol Ann Cheah, Sophia Goldberg, Yiango Mavrocostanti Comment Editors George Barnett, Navid Nabijou, James Simpson Fashion Editors Alex Ramadan, Saskia Verhagen, Alice Yang Arts Editors Eva Rosenthal, Meredith Thomas Books Editor Maciej Matuszewski Music Editors Mark England, Ross Gray, Simon Hunter Television Editor Lucia Podhorska Film Editors Katy Bettany, John Park, Lucy Wiles Games Editor Ross Webster Technology Editor Jason Parmar Coffee Break Boss Matt Colvin Travel Editors Veronika McQuade, Simon Carnochan Sports Editors Oli Benton, Sorcha Cotter, Margot Pikovsky Online Editors Philip Kent, Jonathan Kim Puzzles Commanders Louisa Byrne, Sotirios Karamitsos Copy Chief Annina Sartor Copy Editors Al Norman, Matt Colvin, Christopher Witham, Laurence de Lussy Kubisa Illustrators Hamish Muir, Outi Supponen, Lizzy Griffiths Have a great holiday everyone! FRIDAY 07 DECEMBER 3

News Editors: Aemun Reza, Nida Mahmud NEWS [email protected]

It’s the return Over £45,000 raised at Charity Week of the yard Hazem El Turk Reporter citing auction (which saw a choco- late cake go for £1,250), but also due Tim Arbabzadah Editor-in-Chief to the generosity of 21 individuals Last month Imperial saw the return who each sponsored an orphan for a of Charity Week, an annual campaign year’s duration. Paul Beaumont, Union President, has organised by the Islamic Society with Charity Week is a national cam- proposed a new “Retailing of Alco- the aim of raising as much money as paign facilitated by one of the UK’s hol” policy to the Executive Commit- possible for orphans and needy chil- leading charities – Islamic Relief – tee (Exec.), which will change the bar dren worldwide. Th is year the Week one of 14 charities that make up the opening hours and yards. was held between 29 November and UK’s Disaster Emergency Commit- Th e bar will now have to remain 4 December, however some events tee. For this specifi c campaign, they open until the advertised closing time were held outside of this week due to operate under a 100% donation poli- (which is section 5 of the policy). room booking constraints. Months cy, meaning that every penny raised Yards, as mentioned above, will also of preparation and behind the scenes by students will go towards helping be aff ected. Th is is the largest inser- work culminated in a series of excit- orphans and needy children world- tion into the policy. It will mean that ing and innovative events, including wide (the exact destinations will they are allowed and it sets out the the now much renowned ‘Battle of be voted on shortly), without there process for doing yards. Th e proce- the Societies’ quiz night, which saw being any admin costs. As stated dure will be how it has been ever since over 20 societies fi ght it out to win in their mission statement, they al- they were brought back – yards were the coveted trophy and all the glory locate resources regardless of race, banned for a short period of time. that comes along with it (won by political affi liation, gender or belief, Th e policy was one of Beaumont’s the Tamil Society), as well as street and without expecting anything in manifesto points and he said that he and tube collections all over West return. wanted to “review it whilst remain- London which over 100 students All in all, Imperial College students ing within the law and the spirit of the took part in. Th e Week reached its managed to raise £46,939, com- law”. climax with the prestigious Charity ing third after UCL and Kings (who Th e Alcohol Policy Committee Week Annual Dinner, this year held raised £50,748 and £50,369 respec- was something that was put in place in Hammersmith Town Hall, which tively), but considering that Impe- in 2010 by the DPFS of the time, was attended by over 250 Imperial rial has nearly half the number of but,technically, it was breaking the students and staff , including Paul students that either institution has, Constitution (the document that gov- Beaumont, Union President, and this was a tremendous eff ort by all erns the rules by which the Union is Deputy President Henry Whittaker, those who participated and donated, to be run). It contravened the Consti- Deputy President (Clubs & Socie- and the Islamic Society said that they tution by having staff on a committee, ties). A massive £18,000 was raised would like to thank everyone who which is prohibited, and so, is now on the night, partly down to the ex- took part. gone.

Sponsored Editorial So Close: Imperial at THE Awards More student cuts Reporter Kanchanca Niruttan Discount haircuts for Imperial Imperial College was nominated for two Times Higher Education Awards students at Fresh Hairdressers this year: Most Improved Student Experience and Outstanding Sup- port for Early Career Researchers. near South Kensington Imperial however lost out in each category, losing to the University of Men’s cuts £22 (normally £35) We use only the best products, Chester and the University of York Women’s shampoo and cut and Wella, Moroccan Oil, L’Oreal, and respectively. Th e nominations; par- rough dry £28 KMS and offer free coffee and ticularly for ‘Most Improved Student Women’s shampoo cut and sa- herbal teas. Experience’ ought to be good news lon fi nish blow-dry £38 (normally Come to FRESH, ask for a student for Imperial that has lagged behind £55) discount and bring your student ID other universities in student satisfac- FRESH Hairdressers has been we look forward to seeing you tion ratings which has contributed to offering high quality, fashionable To book an appointment call 0207 disappointing Guardian Rankings in haircuts for over 20 years, all of 823 8968. recent years. (It came in 13th in the our haircuts are by highly experi- Tuesday to Saturdays 9.30 to 5.30 2013 rankings behind the University ties that do not traditionally top the Stamford and a couple of places enced stylists, NOT trainees. We are only 70 metres from South of Bath, Th e University of Essex and League Tables have dominated the ahead of Yale and Columbia (but a Kensington tube station perhaps most disturbingly, UCL). Awards; it indicates perhaps a degree mere 49 places ahead of King’s Col- TO GET A GREAT HAIRCUT Th e awards that aim to “recognize of complacency among the ‘more lege London). Th e rankings have 1) You don’t have to spend more excellence and reward extraordinary prestigious’ institutions. Imperial has however been criticized for the im- money on expensive known High innovation, talent and imagination of however won awards for ‘Outstand- portance given to citations in calcu- St. salons UK higher education” were initiated ing Contribution to Innovation and lating its rankings which has lead to 2) You don’t have to spend hours in 2007. Judging was carried out “by Technology’ in 2009 and for Out- a sidelining of universities whose lan- as a Guinea pig at a training school a distinguished panel of experts” that standing Support for Early Career guage of instruction isn’t English. Im- 3) You don’t have to be butch- included Sir Deian Hopkin, President Researchers in2008 perial currently ranks among the Top ered at some cheap Barbers who of the National Library of Wales and Times Higher Education currently 10 universities in the world among doesn’t know how to leave a little Liam Burns, President of the Na- ranks Imperial 8th in the world put- most major surveys including the QS length tional Union of Students. Universi- ting it in A league with MIT and Rankings and THE. 4 FRIDAY 07 DECEMBER

News Editors: Aemun NEWS Reza, Nida Mahmud [email protected]

Podcasting arrives, All too small scale rollout ... until there’s a bigger well, sort of... budget to be spend on Tim Arbabzadah the student experience we’ll have to be happy with smaller scale pod- “casting projects within Jason Parmar Deputy President (Education) 2011-12 some departments

Video podcasting is undoubtably do use the system to re-watch missed beneficial for students here at Impe- lectures, often as they are unable to rial College, as well as potentially make it due to other commitments beneficial to the Imperial College (e.g. job interviews), not because brand. they’re lazy. All-in-all if students” are The reason I campaigned for pod- going to miss lectures, they are going casting is because I believe it can to miss lectures, regardless of wheth- significantly improve the student er the lectures are recorded or not. learning experience and further en- The more significant of the two hance students understanding of key problems is cost. concepts taught at university. This is what I believe is the real rea- Students can’t always grasp con- son there hasn’t been a significantly cepts or all content during a lecture, large scale podcasting initiative in- either they have momentary lapses troduced (although, again, I want in concentration or can’t quite pick reiterate there has been a small-scale things up as fast as some. Through rollout this year). Nida Mahmud News Editor well as taught postgraduates; especially uploaded to the College i-TunesU site is re-watching, these students can pick The cost, depending on how large as this academic year the number of in- not as straightforward as would be ideal up what they missed out on, as well the project, could be very large for coming postgraduates exceeded under- and their uploader does not support en- as reinforce previous understanding, the College to bear. Th e implementation of video lecture re- graduates. hanced podcasts. Th e slow emergence of this aiding their understanding on With the large expansion of the cordings across the College has been a Th e College is behind international tools to allow lecturers to assess the likely the whole. College to Imperial West and not to hot topic for discussion of late. Although competitors such as MIT in the delivery benefi t and IP/copyright position of pro- There were really just two main mention gigantic government cuts, video lectures have been piloted in Im- of video lectures. Other UK institutions spective recordings is another factor. qualms I’ve come across that have it’s understandable that the College perial for certain years in certain depart- such as Cambridge, UCL, Manchester With the introduction of Panopto re- hindered a significantly large scale has had to tighten its belt. ments, the scheme is not yet available to and Oxford have podcasts and video cording facilities into many College lec- rollout of podcasting, although we Although we are told that the Col- all students. lectures to aid in learning. Manchester ture theatres, the opportunity for making successfully achieved a small scale lege is focusing on the student experi- Th e Panopto lecture recording suite is one of the Universities that was short- podcasts has increased and the energy rollout that I believe has gone suc- ence, it would appear that the budget is being implemented over a three year listed for the Times Higher Education barrier to do this has also decreased. Th e cessfully. The first was attendance for this focus is minimal, which, al- plan across the College. However, the Awards 2012 for the Outstanding ICT main advantage of the iTunes-U format and the second, a more significant though annoying, is understandable. enthusiasm exhibited by departments Initiative of the Year award. Further- over Panopto is the compatibility with reason, was cost. For us to live up to what we are of- varies drastically. Although College need more, Manchester is also running work- mobile devises as I see it” The first problem I came across ten referred to ,“the MIT of the UK”, to allay staff fears to ensure students in shops to educate participants about the Doug Hunt, Deputy President (Edu- were claims, or worries, that attend- we would need a big injection of cash certain departments are not disadvan- best practice in the use of lecture capture cation) said: “Other Russell Group Uni- ance would fall. However, I saw no to rollout the system for all lectures, taged by lecturers not participating in in teaching and learning. versities are off ering audiovisual lecture evidence what-so-ever for this being in all lecture theatres at the College this scheme. Members of the Union have Felix caught up with the Chemistry podcasts to their students and to stop true, to the contrary, I was actually and also expand our ICT resources & praised the College for the introduction Department to learn about the use of Imperial students being dissatisfi ed, we told of evidence that it had no effect staffing as well as departmental staff of online lectures as they believe it will technology in lectures. Alan Spivey, Di- should be installing it across our lecture at all by lecturers who had piloted to manage the large system. enable students to revise better and be rector of Undergraduate Studies, com- theatres as quick as possible, while put- it and also from the business school Overall, at the moment, I feel an attractive plus point for prospective mented on the fact several staff have ting enough resources behind training who have had lecture captures for that podcasting is underway on the students. produced podcasts of their undergradu- academics to use it. several years now. small scale and has the potential for Video podcasts can help students con- ate lectures. As well as this, a series of It needs to be rapidly rolled out to Interestingly, the statistics from the a large full scale rollout in the next 5 solidate their learning, particularly stu- one-off “research highlights” lectures prevent some students in certain depart- Business School showed large spikes years. However, until there’s a bigger dents whose fi rst language is not English have been recorded as podcasts. “Th ere ments and years who are not receiving it, in re-watches of lectures during re- budget to be spend on the student or those who fi nd note taking diffi cult. are several factors limiting further ex- becoming disgruntled and the College vision, as students re-watched spe- experience we’ll have to be happy Th e scheme should ideally be available pansion. Th e process for getting these needs to handle its implementation, the cific parts of lectures to refine their with smaller scale podcasting pro- to all students, both undergraduates as recordings approved by Comms and best it can by eff ectively communicating understanding or lectures they had jects within some departments that with all students on this issue.” in fact attended. Some students also choose to adopt it. Th e Business School currently has video lectures. Other departments such as Chemistry and Maths are piloting it. UCL piloted a programme of lecture that podcasts would be useful for Th e Chemistry pilot is focused on fi rst recordings in 2008/09 to determine if revision – one student noted that and second years. Th e issues that have there was a requirement for a podcasting the podcasts were ‘probably the been raised by staff include: intellectual service. Th e success of the pilot has led to best form of revision material I property, decline in student attendance UCL investing in recording equipment have come across’. to lectures, illegal distribution, rights of for lecture theaters. Th ey found: • Some students noted they helped students asking questions, the time tak- • “Th e staff felt that podcasting had support diff erent learning styles. en to upload the videos and the cost in- added value to their teaching and • Students valued the opportu- curred due to installation. Other depart- would recommend it to others. nity to clarify topics and concepts ment specifi c issues, such as for physics, • 85% of student respondents which had been missed during include the cost of fi lming equipment for agreed or strongly agreed that the class, and to improve their the diff erent boards; but a student has podcasts aided understanding of notes. suggested the lecture can be fi lmed by a the module. • A number of students asked for A screenshot of Panopto – where all podcasts can be found student moving with the board. • 91% agreed or strongly agreed ‘podcasting in every lecture.” FRIDAY 07 DECEMBER 5

News Editors: Aemun Reza, Nida Mahmud NEWS [email protected] Female students recruited to be escorts

Aemun Reza News Editor gether. It says the “level of sexual in- timacy” is privately agreed between student and sponsor whilst the own- Th e Independent has uncovered that ers of the website are not responsible female students are being off ered for what occurs between consenting up to £15,000 a year to pay for their adults in a hotel room. university fees in return for having An under-cover female reporter for sex with a stranger. A website called Th e Independent secretly fi lmed an in- SponsorAScholar.co.uk proclaimed terview she had with a male ‘assessor’ that they have set 1,400 women be- from SponsorAScholar.co.uk who told tween the ages of 17-24 with wealthy her that: “Th e more you’re prepared to businessmen that funded their stud- do, the more interest you’re going to ies. get, obviously the more sponsorship Th e website advertises women with amount you’re going to get for that.” The SponsorAScholar glowing testimonials from satisfi ed He went on to say that she would website at the moment customers and claims that most of have to undergo a ‘practical assess- the sponsors are “men between the ment’ with him for ‘quality control’ ages of 28 and 50 who run their own purposes and explained that “We have successful business and want to have to do that, to make sure when we put discreet adventures with a student you in front of your sponsor you’re whilst helping them fund their studies confi dent in doing the things you said through a scholarship”. you would do.” Th e website states: “Because of Th e man added: “You see what the considerable sums of money our you’re trying to do is attract a certain An anonymous student told Chan- told her to reapply later. She said she while more than one in 10 were open sponsors are off ering in scholarship, level of sponsorship, you don’t want nel 4 News that when she went to a had contacted the website as she was to the idea of being an escort. they tell us that they have expecta- to go up there saying you know you’re rented fl at with the man for an inter- struggling to pay her university fees. Dr Dan Boucher, Director of Parlia- tions of a high level of sexual intimacy not even going to hold hands type of view, she was made to dress up in a Concerns have been raised that mentary Aff airs for the International with their chosen student.” thing… cause you’re not going to at- schoolgirl outfi t and pressured into due to the rise in tuition fees, some Christian Charity Care, said young SponsorAScholar.co.uk off ers young tract any interest at all.” having sex with her ‘assessor’. students will end up graduating with people should not have to subject women “up to 100% of your Tuition Th e male ‘assessor’ was later iden- When it came to the ‘practical’ part debts of up to £53,000. It has been themselves to exploitation in order Fees” in return for two-hour sessions tifi ed as Mark Lancaster. He refused of the interview, the student found thought that due to these huge debts to complete their studies. “Th e Inde- with men in hotel rooms or private to speak about the Sponsor a Scholar herself unable to fi ght off his ad- students are turning to ulterior forms pendent’s investigation has revealed fl ats up to four times per term. scheme when asked by a television vances. She said, “then he just kissed of employment such as pole dancing, one particular and disturbing mani- Th e website takes advantage of the programme. Th e website was taken me before I really had time to think escort work or prostitution in order to festation of sexual exploitation. ‘grey area’ of Britain’s sex laws that down soon after the Independent pub- about it or ask any questions… and I pay back these debts. “With a background of an 8 per cent allow escort agencies to function le- lished the story and secretly fi lmed just froze because I really didn’t know It has been said that university fall in applications to university this gitimately by off ering introductions video. Th e website has been altered what to do. Th en he started undress- welfare offi cers are largely unaware year and mounting concerns about between clients and sex workers. It and now say: “Sorry website unavail- ing me. of these situations and are poorly debts, it is clear that sexual predators is illegal to run a website where sex able for maintenance”. “I was in a diff erent city, and he’d equipped to deal with these issues and have seen an opportunity to exploit is off ered for money but as a bypass Despite the website closing, a fe- picked me up from outside the place the increase in young student’s in- the fi nancial vulnerability of strug- services can off er models and escorts male escort claimed that she was ap- and walked me in so in my mind I was, volvement which such activities. gling students,” he said. instead. People can only be arrested proached by a man claiming to be like ‘I can’t leave right now because Research by Dr Ron Roberts, of the Th e police are currently examining for controlling prostitution if there is from the website and are still trying to I don’t know where I am and if I do University of Kingston, published in the evidence collected during Th e In- direct evidence that sex is being ex- fi nd new “scholars”. leave and he chases me, I don’t know 2010 suggested that one in four stu- dependent’s investigation and will try changed form money. Kelley Temple, NUS Women’s Of- what to do’. So I just froze and went dents know someone who had worked to establish whether the people be- On the SponsorAScholar.co.uk fi cer, said: “It appears to be… exploit- along with what he was doing.” in the sex industry to fund their stud- hind the website can be prosecuted website the extensive terms and con- ing the fact that women students are Even after having sex with the stran- ies – up from three per cent in 1990. for the accused off ences of incitement ditions describe an agreement which in dire fi nancial situations in pursuit ger she was sent an email rejecting her Dr Roberts found 16 per cent would into prostitution and sexual exploita- covers time and companionship to- of an education.” from the scholarship programme but consider working in the industry tion. Feasting on sciences at Imperial Fringe

Yulia Negreskul Reporter for the Sciences’. On a more serious note, the speak- Th e evening will start with the ers will touch upon the issues of food An ex-Imperial presentation of Miss Cakehead, a re- production including Imperial’s own student, who Following the success of last week’s nowned confectioner who’s famous fertilizing machine, its sustainability just refused Imperial Fringe event focused on for a variety of her works, including and security as well as health related to leave the bone research taking place across the ‘Eat your heart out’ series of anatomi- food concerns such as obesity. Library College, which was estimated to have cally decorated edible arts. Th is time Event organiser Harriet Martin gathered around 400 people through- the audience will be delighted with a said: “A food and drink-themed Impe- out the evening with 120 people par- variety of Christmas dainties made of rial Fringe at Christmas is the perfect ticipating in the panel discussion, a sponge and sugar. Th is will be followed seasonal way of introducing people new event called ‘A Feast of the Sci- by a great number of other yummy to some of the College’s research. We ences’ is about to take place. treats including ice cream out of a fi re hope that members of the Imperial Th is month’s event includes a wide extinguisher presented by Professor in community as well as external audi- range of disciplines such as thermo- thermodynamics Erich Muller, honey ences will enjoy the exciting activi- dynamics, biotechnology, agriculture, from Imperial’s own hives located in ties, as well as sampling some festive medicine and many others. Neverthe- the garden just behind Ethos and Al- delights.” dents, and will take place on Th ursday campus between 5 and 8 pm, how- less, all of them are there to celebrate chemists Dreams off ering to create Th e event is open to general public the 13 December 2012 at the Main ever, everyone is free to come and go the festive spirit to create a true ‘Feast and taste your own seasonal drinks. including, of course, Imperial stu- Entrance of the South Kensington as please. 6 FRIDAY 07 DECEMBER

News Editors: Aemun NEWS Reza, Nida Mahmud [email protected]

Business school gets triple accreditation Imperial College London Nida Mahmud News Editor perial College London, we are able to collaborate with world-class experts in science, engineering, technology Imperial College Business School has and healthcare, to ensure that our re- achieved triple accreditation. Th is search has real impact and infl uence comes after meeting the required in business and government, as well as standard from the Association to Ad- engaging the wider public.” vance Collegiate Schools of Business Th e AACSB international accredita- (AACSB). tion is achieved after the AACSB staff Th e Business school is now in undertakes a meticulous review of the top 1% of business schools in the business courses, which can take the world to have triple accredita- years to complete. Th ere are 21 qual- tion from the largest and infl uential ity standards that must be met. Th e business school accreditation asso- criteria relates to faculty, resources, ciations. Th ese associations are the the communication between staff and AMBA (Association of MBAs), EQ- students, and the demonstration of a UIS (European Quality Improvement commitment of continuous improve- System) and now the AACSB. ment of the programmes. Professor Dorothy Griffi ths, Act- Factors mentioned in the business ing Principal for the Business School, school review report include: the high said: “We are delighted with today’s quality faculty and staff , the com- announcement that confi rms our mitment to excellence, the strong re- position as a world-leading Business search environment and the support- International commented as follows: AACSB accreditation represents the Business School are to be commended School. Our programmes combine ive culture. Th e review also states that “We warmly congratulate Imperial highest achievement for an educa- for their dedication and commitment the highest academic standards with the applied, practical nature of the College Business School and welcome tional institution and its college of to continuous improvement, and for the very latest business practices. By programmes is valued by students. it into the AACSB family of interna- business. Th e Principal, faculty, di- their role in earning initial accredita- virtue of our unique position in Im- Th e President and CEO of AACSB tionally accredited business schools. rectors and administrative staff of the tion.”

An international response Grantham says

Outi Supponen Maciej Matuszewski Reporter scientists should be

Concerns have been raised about more vocal the high fees that Imperial charges Outi Supponen international students. Th e average (excluding medicine) yearly under- graduate international fee is over £24000. Th is is greater than most UK other UK universities – UCL charges £18500 a year for laboratory based subjects while Kings charges £17800. Th e fees, however, are one par with Oxbridge, once their additional Col- lege fees are taken into account, and the most prestigious US universities – pensive”. a fi rst year Materials student told Felix MIT asks students for $40732, equiv- Second year Aeronautical Engineer- that she didn’t “mind if we pay slightly alent to about £25580. ing student Quraisyia Talib-Merican more than other people (like maybe Fen Wong, a Chemical Engineering went further, questioning whether 18-19k or something) for the facilities, student whose course costs £24500 the College provides good enough fa- location and stuff .” Another student, a year, told Felix that she “defi nitely cilities for the amount that it charges: who wished to remain anonymous think we’re being overcharged”. She “My course costs £24000 in Impe- urged those who think the fees are too said that while she has “access to the rial. It costs £13000 in City [Univer- high to consider the many additional pilot plant, which is supposed to be a sity Lond]. Compared both courses; resources provided in and around huge deal and a great learning expe- pretty much the same [and] City has College, saying: “Go hog library, both- rience” and while she maintains that better facilities.” er tutors, careers fairs come to your Tim Arbabzadah Editor-in-Chief global warming. He argued that there “Imperial is a good university, if not Winston Barry Lee concurred, say- doorstep, take advantage of all of this! was a resource crisis coming and that in terms of student satisfaction, then ing: “I think we are overcharged. It is London is so central, such a fantastic more scientists need to speak out in terms of education” she thinks that a shame that Imperial treats overseas environment to work and play and Jeremy Grantham, who, through the about climate change. In the opinion the College “would need gold-plated students as some sort of fi xed source live in. For those who want to learn Grantham Foundation for the Pro- piece for Nature he said: “It is crucial furniture and a butler to carry my of income because they know that more there are ample libraries, muse- tection of the Environment, funds that scientists sound a more realistic, bags around in order for the fees to overseas students value the Imperial ums, landmarks and all of it is steeped the Grantham Reasearch Institute on more desperate, note on global warn- be worth it”. Another Chemical En- brand. Imperial is very inaccessible to in history.” Climate Change (of which there is one ing”. In the article he also discusses gineer, fi rst year David Leng, added those who have academic merits, but While opinion about the fees re- in Imperial) has written for Nature economic issues such as food prices. that Imperial was “the most expensive not the means.“ mains divided it seems unlikely that saying that scientists should “Be per- He ended with: “Th is is not only the University in the UK” that he’s seen Not all international students, how- the College is set to cut down on such suasive. Be brave. Be arrested (if nec- crisis of your lives – it is also the crisis and that while he believes that it “is ever, believe that the College charges a lucrative income source any time essary)”. He wanted scientists to speak of our species’ existence. I implore you of good quality” its “still a bit too ex- an excessive amount. Emmilyn Yeoh, soon. out forcefully over issues that concern to be brave.” FRIDAY 07 DECEMBER 7

News Editors: Aemun Reza, Nida Mahmud NEWS [email protected] Not just a superficial change for South Ken Imperial College London

60 minute makeover has got nothing on Imperial

>> continued from the front page perial buildings with more mod- Mechanical Engineering Building”. He ern facades to complete Exhibi- went on to say that the project “aims Main aims of the AMP Th e AMP has many aims that are all tion Road and Unwin Road. to refurbish the buildings in a way that hoped to work together to refurbish Th e Mechanical Engineering build- ensures their long-term sustainability • Revitalising the services within the Mechanical Engineering building. and refresh the buildings, improve ing was the fi rst to be noticeably chang- but which avoids the cost of radical • Extensively refurbish the southern column and south-eastern annexe the thermal performance, and (sub- ing. Th e services within it have reached restructuring.” At the same time, the of the Mechanical Engineering building; this is so that Aeronautics jectively, of course) make them more the end of their working life and are in- project will address the fact that some can move in there. aesthetically pleasing. Th e thermal ef- creasing the risk associated with opera- buildings are over 40 years old. How • Using the above, release the Roderic Hill (Aeronautics building) and fi ciency increase should cause savings tions inside the building. Mr Howe said said that it will address “the backlog of Bone buildings (Chemical Engineering currently inhabit it). that mean that the building work will that “numerous elements and services maintenance issues, the external fabric • Refurbishment of the northern and central columns of the Mechani- pay for itself are approaching the end of their life of the building and the services, plant cal Engineering building to accommodate Mechanical Engineering. More specifi cally, the aims of the pro- expectancy” and mentioned the “press- and infrastructure”. Th e project will • Connecting the Mechanical Engineering and Skempton buildings to ject, as told to Felix by Steve Howe, are: ing need to renew the areas to meet the also free up space, which is currently allow teaching facilities to be shared between multiple departments • Revitalising the services within the current requirement for a world lead- occupied by the Roderick Hill and (Mechanical, Civil and Aeronautical Engineering and the Business Mechanical Engineering building. ing engineering research and teaching ACEX buildings. School). • Extensively refurbish the southern facility”. Th e AMP gives the opportu- With respect to the new facade of • Improve the aestethics of the Imperial buildings with more modern column and south-eastern annexe nity to meet current health and safety the Mechanical Engineering building, facades to complete Exhibition Road and Unwin Road. of the Mechanical Engineering standards as well as energy standards. construction of which was completed building; this is so that Aeronaut- During the project there will be an in early summer of this year, there ics can move in there. almost musical chairs required to com- has been some response from those don 2012 Olympic and World Wide designed to improve its energy effi - • Using the above, release the plete it. Th e optimum phasing has been involved. Plans for the works on the audience. Th e location is very promi- ciency. Nicholas Roalfe added: “ the Roderic Hill (Aeronautics build- found by representatives from the de- building, situated in the South East nent with the Exhibition Road Campus cladding is also having a signifi cant ing) and Bone buildings (Chemi- partments involved agreeing them. Th e corner of the South Kensington Cam- buildings, including the setting with impact on the building thermal perfor- cal Engineering currently inhabit phasing of the project, which is to say pus, were proposed in 2010, when the the other neighbouring buildings and mance, it isn’t just a redecoration of the it). the practicality of where and how it is College was informed by local authori- the Local Authorities improvements to building”. • Refurbishment of the northern done, has been agreed on a “room by ties of the full extent of their plans for Exhibition Road. Th e new facade is just the fi rst phase and central columns of the Me- room” basis. Mr Howe also said that improvements to Exhibition Road. In terms of quality, the impression Aeronautical Mechanical Engineer- chanical Engineering building to “particular requirements for teaching, Plans for the £1.19 million project were is of a new building albeit the original ing Project, which aims to refurbish accommodate Mechanical Engi- research or support functions” have approved in 2011, with the initial plans Annex Building structure remains. In not only the Mechanical Engineering neering. been recognised, hence the room by being produced by regular College ar- my opinion, it is a vast improvement building but also parts of Skempton, • Connecting the Mechanical Engi- room analysis. chitects Sheppard Robson and further on the original 50+ year old building, with a fi nal goal of creating space to neering and Skempton buildings Discussing the project, Mr Howe design, as well as the fi nal construc- whose window and fabric had gone allow the Department of Aeronautical to allow teaching facilities to be said that “the AMP projects provides tion, carried out by D&B Facades. past its economic life . To date, we have Engineering to move into the build- shared between multiple depart- for the collocation of the Depart- Facilities Management Director received many compliments from Col- ings and join the other departments ments (Mechanical, Civil and ment of Aeronautics into the existing Nicholas Roalfe told Felix: “My view is lege Staff , Students and Local Neigh- already housed there. Th e next stage of Aeronautical Engineering and the Mechanical Engineering Annexe and that the Recladded Annex provides the bours” the project is under design review, with Business School). Skempton Buildings and, at the same fi rst visual impression of Imperial Col- As well as improving the building’s the College aiming to fi nish the entire • Improve the aestethics of the Im- time, refurbish the remainder of the lege London especially with the Lon- outer image the new facade was also development in 2017. 8 FRIDAY 07 DECEMBER

Features Editors: Stephen Smith, FEATURES Caroline Wood [email protected] A Lordable conversation Alex Morton interviews constitutional expert Lord Norton about constitutional reform

Alex Morton: Th ank you very much signifi cant, adopt to one of the sub- issues. for giving up your time this after- committees and therefore examined it Also, we try to be fairly proactive. noon Lord Norton. Could you brief- in detail. So there is great liaison be- For example through the “Peers in ly explain the principal functions of tween the two committees, we com- Schools” programme, we are going the House of Lords, and why it mat- plement one another, and it makes us into schools to explain what we’re do- ters? one of the more eff ective Parliaments ing, and so far we’ve reached about within the EU with scrutiny of the EU fi fty thousand. And of course we are Lord Norton: It matters because it is proposals. reaching teachers who can then con- the second chamber, and because it is Our third function is essentially tinue disseminating the information. not elected it is complimentary to the debate, not just debating legislation, So we are trying to engage with peo- fi rst chamber, and that is what gives it but debating issues, many of which ple. We are now trying to reach out its value as it’s neither duplicating nor come outside the context of the nor- more generally at the University level, challenging the elected fi rst chamber. mal party debate and issues that can so that people who weren’t aware of It adds value by pursuing tasks that the aff ect people or sections or particular what we’re doing are now more aware fi rst chamber doesn’t have the time, groups in society, which may not be [of both what we are doing] and the the political will, or it may not have that popular, but nonetheless have a fact that they can have some engage- the resources. Its principal tasks are case that deserves at least to be heard. ment. We’re as keen to hear from legislative scrutiny, diff erent from the And we’ve got as a subset of that de- them as anyone else, in terms of mak- Commons, which focuses particularly bate function, an agenda setting role. ing their views known to all. on the principle – so if you like, the So sometimes we will be able to bring ends of legislation – we don’t seek to on to the agenda a subject that’s not AM: Earlier this year you were a challenge that as the unelected cham- been considered before or hasn’t been member of the Joint Committee ber. So we focus on the means and considered for quite a considerable appointed to conduct pre-legisla- therefore devote our time to looking period of time – make sure it’s heard, tive scrutiny on the Draft House of at the detail, trying to improve legisla- but not for resolution or legislation, Lords Reform Bill. As well as sitting tion. Th is can be time consuming and but to get the ball rolling on the agen- on the committee, you were a signa- can be very demanding and the sort of da. Good recent example: assisted dy- tory to the Alternative Report that thing we can do because of the nature ing. Controversial, deserves to have an was published. What prompted you of our membership and because we airing, some MPs a bit wary, contro- and eleven other members to pro- don’t need to do things, which if you versial, keep an eye on their constitu- duce this report? like, are high profi le – [we don’t] get ents. We raise it, get the ball rolling. political attention the way that MPs LN: A number of reasons, mainly the do. Th at is why we compliment the AM: Considering your unelected defi ciencies with what the Govern- Commons and the nature of our mem- nature, how can the public actively ment had brought forward in terms of bership allows us to do it, because we engage with you if are not account- their Draft Bill. We were limited, we Lord Norton, not reading Felix. Tut tut are a House of experience and exper- able at the ballot box? had to deal with the bill before us, so tise, which can therefore examine leg- it wasn’t a case of looking at the issue islation in a way the elected politicians LN: Th ey can engage with us quite eas- from fi rst principles, reform [by] elect- may not have the time or the will so ily in the same way they can with MPs, ing the second chamber was taken as addressing form, and you need to start appointed second chamber, that’s not to do. in a sense, insofar as we’re account- a given, and that’s never really been with what we expect the institution to an argument against having an ap- Legislative scrutiny is our main ac- able, it’s more collectively through addressed in terms of “Why?”. We had do, then you create the people to carry pointed second chamber if you can tivity, it takes fi fty to sixty per cent the Commons because ultimately the to deal with the detail of the bill. Th e out the specifi c tasks you expect of it. demonstrate the benefi ts that derive of our time in the chamber, and then Commons can get its way. If you like, detail of the bill itself was fairly… defi - Not the other way round. from it. To say that there are elected executive scrutiny, or scrutiny of pub- more generally, more basically, we are cient… for all sorts of reasons. It’s a bad second chambers elsewhere and they lic policy. Not just [UK] Government fairly transparent and people can see bill, lots of problems with it, including AM: How would you respond to work is not to suggest in any way that policy, but European policy as well, what we are doing, and we do wel- the attempt to try and ensure the pri- comments, such as those from Lord they are better than the second cham- that is one of our strengths. And again, come input. So we try to exploit all macy of the House of Commons, in Ashdown, that there are only a very ber we have and the job that it does. we seek to compliment the work of the the opportunities we can to encourage relation to the Lords. Th e way they try few other chambers in the world Commons, we don’t duplicate, we’re people to make clear their views when to do that through Clause 2 was inad- which are non-elected? Do we want AM: Given that you are against the increasingly specialised through the committees are considering matters, equate, and that wasn’t just the view to be, as he puts it, in such company abolition of the House in its current use of committees, but whereas the or indeed when legislation is going of those who signed the Alternative as Belarus, Bahrain and Yemen? form, what sort of reforms would Commons has got departmental select through. Let’s say it’s a bill, which has Report, it was the view of the whole you like to see introduced to the committees, Home Aff airs, Foreign been sent to a Joint Committee, the committee. It was fairly unanimous. LN: Well, we’re not. As I’ve pointed chamber? Aff airs, and so on, we go for cross cut- Lords members will be eff ective as Th at was a particularly serious prob- out to him, he’s wrong. In many re- ting committees that transcend diff er- the Commons members in soliciting lem. Th ere are others as well. So the spects, he’s blatantly got his fi gures LN: Th ere are quite a lot of changes ent departments. So we add value by views of interested parties. We do get report was fl awed, our Joint Commit- wrong, both in terms of elected sec- that can be made, because I’m in fa- looking at areas that are not covered lots of representation from individuals tee report drew attention to that, but ond chambers and indeed where they vour of reform but against election. usually by the Commons, and again and from groups on an ever increas- the alternative report went further be- are elected, the relationship between I want it to be eff ective but not elec- complementarity, for example, in ing scale. People are aware of what cause we actually questioned the need them and the fi rst chamber. So, bit tive. It’s really strengthening the exist- scrutiny of European Union propos- we are doing, and we welcome it, and for electing the second chamber and fl awed. Th ere’s only a minority of sec- ing House in what it does, because it als. Th e Commons has the European we can engage with it because we’ve felt the need to stand back and look at ond chambers that are wholly elected, does add value to the political process. Union scrutiny committee, but that got members who can understand the the role of the House of Lords as part a minority are appointed, and the oth- However, an elected chamber arguably checks every document, if you like it subject and therefore can engage with of Parliament and what they expect ers are a mixture of them in form of is value detracting as there is no obvi- goes for breadth, against particular people outside who are also informed of Parliament in our political system. composition. It varies, so you can’t ous benefi t that would derive from it changes. We go for depth with our EU about it. We can have a proper dia- My argument is that the bill looks at it generalise particularly, but we can say in terms of what it would do, because, committee, just selecting those pro- logue as a prelude to our scrutiny of from the wrong end of the telescope. we are not the only appointed second as electors would be voting for the sec- posals which are politically or legally legislation, and indeed of raising other It’s dealing with composition without chamber. And even if we were the only ond chamber on exactly the same ba- FRIDAY 07 DECEMBER 9

Features Editors: Stephen Smith, Caroline Wood FEATURES [email protected]

Wouldn’t mind the people that did this to redo my room in halls actually. I’d ask for more gold though, OBVIOUSLY

sis as they vote the fi rst chamber, there does. I think what it does, it does well; changes going through, and achiev- the present system delivers because at the next election, so even if it did would be an element of redundancy in particularly, legislative scrutiny, the ing some change and infl uencing the we have core accountability through just win with fi fty per cent plus one, the process. So it’s a case of strength- diff erence it makes there to legislation, House on the stance it takes on them. elections to the House of Commons. it knows it won’t be normally able to ening what it currently does. Some but you must never be complacent in Fixed Term Parliaments, a particu- Governments are chosen through engage in political musical chairs after of that can be achieved by the House what we do well, we could do even lar success in the last session on the elections to the House of Commons, the next election, as some systems can. itself without legislation, and we’ve al- better. So I think we need changes, Public Bodies Bill, which was changed and are answerable through elections It’s that aspect which makes Govern- ready strengthened our resources over and that’s what we’re exploring at the quite dramatically in light of the work to the House of Commons. Th at is ment therefore responsive in between the years and we continue to do it. We moment. we did. So the Lords does quite a good fundamental. In this country, we know elections, which is another value to are looking at a lot of our procedures; job in that respect, but we are work- who is responsible for public policy, the system. So it’s not, it tempers the [to] see how those could be strength- AM: Frequently, over the last decade ing hard to get the government to en- in a way that American citizens can’t arrogance of governments: if it ig- ened. We’ve made some changes [and] or so, there has been considerable hance, to look at the way it deals with always identify who’s responsible for nores what the public think between we’re discussing more. Also, enhanc- appetite for constitutional reform, constitutional measures and accept American public policy. What if Con- elections, it’s going to lose the next ing our use of specialist committees, recently the Fixed Term Parliament they are qualitatively distinctive and gress overturns what the President election. So it is tempered by that. I want to see more evidence taking in Act, and with the last Government, needs to be treated as such. wants? Th ere’s the question of ac- So I think the way it comes together dealing with legislation. But a number the abolition of the Law Lords and countability. So, Parliamentary Gov- is, when you think about it, you have of changes require legislation – put- expulsion of the majority of the he- AM: I have a couple of questions ernment, or if you like, Parliamentary core accountability, you have eff ec- ting the Appointments Commission reditary peers. Does this illustrate from our readers. Th e fi rst one I Accountability. Now… choice as to tiveness because the government can on a statutory basis, getting rid of the dominance of the executive, and have is aside from how one would what would come next in our… ar- govern. It can deliver on the coherent the by-election of hereditary peers as such, were proposals properly get your job, if you could draw up a rangement. Because one could go with programme of public policy, but it is making them de facto Life Peers. We scrutinised? If not how would you constitution based on three princi- the principle of maintaining a Union also responsive between elections. It want to have provision for expulsion prevent that from occurring again? ples, what would they be? state, that’d possibly be one, where it is knows it wants to win the next elec- of some members, particularly if they strengths from each part of the Union tion. And members of both Houses have committed serious criminal of- LN: Well, to some extent they were, LN: I’m a bit wary of having a codi- coming together, thus within a unitary are more independent than they used fences, so to bring us into line with it depends on political will, but part fi ed constitution and therefore … it state. So, I suppose those are the main to be – certainly the Commons – MPs the procedures and rules of the Com- of the problem is the government depends on principles. I can tell you ones, and an ancillary to core account- [are] more willing to vote against their mons, but also, if necessary, to be able itself not fully appreciating the na- about the basic tenets, in terms of ability of course, is maintaining the own side. So it tends to come together. to expel members. I’d like to see a cap ture of constitutional change and form, but that would be to keep what primacy of one legislature, having an You have accountability, eff ectiveness, on the numbers as well (we’re quite a that it should be subject to a some- we’ve got. Given the nature of our elected chamber, which is necessary in responsiveness, in a way that few oth- large chamber), and make provision what diff erent procedure than that constitution, where we tend to go for democracy and suffi cient. er systems have. for those who don’t attend, or have for ordinary legislation. Getting the what is known as positive constitu- more direct methods to reduce the government to accept this is proving tionalism, rather than like the States, AM: Another question was whether AM: Th ank you for your time, Lord number of members. Th ose changes, I diffi cult, but what they’ve got to ac- which goes for negative constitution- the omnipotence of the fi fty per Norton. think, would enhance what the House cept is that the constitution is bigger alism. Th at is where there are certain cent plus one majority is a weakness than the government. Th at is [to say principles, which take precedence, of British Democracy? LN: Th ank you. that] government is the creature of political principles that transcend all the constitution and not the other way of the majority. We go somewhat to- LN: No. Th ere are all sorts of prob- Guest talk: I want it round. So they need to accept more wards the other end where the will of lems with supermajorities under our that the Lords fulfi l quite a good role, the majority will prevail, but tempered system, because they can be amended Lord Norton ultimately it’s up to the Commons, but by Parliament and that’s important. by legislation anyway, which would [Lords] to be the Lords have been able to make a So, the three principles. One would need an ordinary majority. No, I don’t diff erence because of the scrutiny that retain the principle of Parliamentary think there is a problem in our system, 11th December at 7pm is aff orded, both when the legislation Government, of government being because there is core accountabil- Room G.01, RSM effective but is going through, and through its com- chosen through the House of Com- ity, as I say, the government’s elected Free for Imperial students mittee work. Th e Constitution Com- mons and being answerable. Th at through an elected House of Com- Brought to you by Conserva- mittee in the House of Lords has been comes onto the second principle, mons, and is answerable to the elected tive, Debating, and History not elective very infl uential in terms of the reports which is accountability. To add to the Commons. In other words, the gov- “” it has been producing on some of the core principle, accountability, which ernment knows it can be turned out societies. 10 FRIDAY 07 DECEMBER

CLUBS & SOCIETIES [email protected] Reporting back on an extraordin Phillip Rodriguez, an English teacher, writes about his summer spent i

erelj is located 60km away from Ulan Bator, the capital of Mongolia. T Th e national park has smooth sloping valleys that climb up to become rocky peaks. Th is past July, the rains were plentiful. Grass carpeted the landscape, though not the soft type you’d fi nd in your lawn. Rather the blades grew in little clumps with wiry roots that ran deep into the dry earth. Th e hardy vegeta- tion provided an abundance of food for the horses, cows, sheep and camels that seemed to have free roam of the park. In sharp contrast to the green underfoot, a deep blue sky spread overhead with clouds so high they hardly seemed to move. A narrow strip of pothole riddled asphalt carved through the park and about 10km from the entrance the road passed alongside our campsite. We volunteers arrived fi rst. Twelve Singaporeans, a Mongol cook, a social worker, two translators, and myself. We had a day’s head start to prepare for the kids. When they came, the tually drew to a close and we volun- ing English. Th e twelve or so kids sat their lives. twenty-fi ve little Mongolians shuffl ed teers returned to our gers exhausted. at a table while I scrawled letters and Th e great Genghis Khan has now out of their bus and made for the gers It is an understatement to say we were numbers on a white board. Th ey re- been dead for over eight hundred (tents). It took several minutes to get shocked by the children’s behaviour. peated words and made use of their years, but his legacy lives on in this them settled down. Some fi fteen min- Day two: the situation got worse. workbooks. To reward them I gave out country. Many of the boys bore his utes later, they were running amok ex- Th e morning began with fi ve of the stickers that Stephanie had brought. name, Chinggis, as pronounced in ploring the camp. One boy hit another. boys disappearing from the camp. Th e Th e ones they loved were those of Mongolian. Th ere was also a Temujin, with time. I’d seen it a hundred times Some tried to run off . Th e smaller chil- group had hitched a passing car and Winnie the Pooh and his friends, but the name the great Khan had before over. As much as they fought with dren were crying. Our attempts to re- returned to Ulan Bator. Th e police the prospect of getting a sticker was he became ruler. Th e other children in each other, scraped up their legs and store order amounted to nothing and were brought in and they came down not enough to keep them focused. our camp had names that were harder cried, they always bounced back with the situation became more and more hard on the coordinators of the camp. Some refused to do anything, others to remember. Th ere was Yataashk, Ne- a smile. chaotic. It was several days until we heard from wandered off , and those that did try mun, Babilguun, Sahnder, and so on. In time, some of their good qualities Th e children in the camp were not the police that they had made it back were easily distracted. I mixed in a Since we failed to learn them right surfaced. Th e 14 yr old boy Temujin ordinary. Th ey had been abandoned to the city, and in the time between, we few games to maintain their attention. away we resorted to using nicknames. was special in that he had a strong by their families, struck by misfor- were worried over their whereabouts. Explaining the rules and giving a dem- In the case of Sahnder, we called him sense of propriety. Th ough he was a tune, left to the vices of the street. Th e Th ere was also concern that others onstration on itself should not have ‘Carry Me’, because the boy went up little fat and geeky, the other children police had rounded the kids up and might try to abandon camp. We took been much work, but with these kids to all of the volunteers and said those did as he said. It was a respect that held them a shelter. Th at was where night shifts in the freezing Mongolian it took a great deal of eff ort. Th at was exact words while reaching up with came from the care he openly gave. It we picked them up for the camp. In weather to ensure that children did how it went with everything. Th e sim- his arms. And then there was ‘Horny could be something as simple as help- their world, authority and rules were not run away at night. plest of tasks demanded our utmost Boy’ who had an affi nity for the female ing the others going to bed. Th e little lacking. We tried to keep them under For classes, we broke the kids into energy. For example, when we took a volunteers and their womanly parts. ones needed that. Th ey had no mother control. We had to. How else could we two groups. I was in charge of teach- group photo, all we needed was for the Looking back, I might think it hu- to tuck them in. No brother to lean on. manage the camp? Th e fi rst day even- children to sit down and remain still morous that we called him that had I Th e older children took on the roles of for ten seconds. However, as soon as not known he had spent time on the brothers, sisters, mothers and fathers. one boy took his place another would streets hanging around prostitutes Th is was the world they came from. jump up, scratch his head and pick his and pimps. It was that past that shaped Th e real darling of the camp was nose. Even with fourteen volunteers, him. Tengis. He was a small boy with sandy we had to shout, point and pull to get Sadly, the other children’s pasts were brown hair, cherub cheeks and curi- them to do what we wanted. no better. Th e boy Temujin had lost his ous eyes. He certainly had cuteness Horseback riding was the highlight father in a car accident. As a result, Te- in his favour, but it was his carefree, of the camp. One of our translators, mujin’s family fell apart and his moth- happy attitude that won us over. He the young and aff able Bilguun, had er being unable to care for him, aban- was mostly smiles and giggles, even the local nomads bring their horses doned the boy. Th e siblings Pagma and for no apparent reason. Incidentally, to our camp. We rented fi fteen of the Khan-tseg-rik, only four year olds, had his birthday coincided with the camp. animals for two hours. Th ey were the been sent out by their aunt to beg for We celebrated in the kid’s tent. Rather small stocky variety known more for money. When the police caught them, than a cake, Tengis received a choco- their stamina than their speed. I went the aunt refused to take them back. late pie with a single candle sticking with fi rst group. Many of the chil- Th e authorities did what they could to out from the center. Sitting at the head dren were natural-born horse riders. place street children with relatives or of the table, he looked down and his Th ey smiled, they cheered, and they in foster homes. I guess you could say brown eyes sparkled bright as the mo- laughed as they rode round the Mon- the kids were broken, but if they were, ment took hold in his heart. Th e tears golian countryside for the fi rst time in they had grown resilient and strong came and we realized then it had likely FRIDAY 07 DECEMBER 11

[email protected] CLUBS & SOCIETIES nary experience in Mongolia n Mongolia Summer Camp 2011

been the fi rst birthday party anyone the children to run around. Dinner him. He said he thought of me as a had thrown for him was poor as we were fi nishing the last father. I looked at him and shook my In retrospect, I can now say that of our food. head. I had my own life to get back to the children were all unique and spe- After dinner, we had a fi nal meeting and told him as much. Th e words rang cial in their own way. I could write on with the kids. Stephanie had origi- true for each volunteer. We could only and on about each of them. Like how nally lied to the children that the camp give the children so much. we mistook the boy Chingu for a girl would continue for several more days. Th e following morning the bus came and did not realize our folly until one She did it so they would not try run- to take us back to the capital. We shuf- of us noticed he was peeing standing ning away, because the consensus was fl ed in, took our seats and the engine up. We simply assumed he was a girl that none of them wanted to return started up. Th e drive back took a little because he had long hair, but young to the shelter where they were often over an hour. Green, treeless swaths of boys in Mongolia are like that. Th ey bullied by others and occasionally land gave way to muddy earth studded get their fi rst haircut at the age of four. mistreated. When Stephanie admitted with gers and shanty houses. Concrete Chingu got his a little earlier because the truth the children seemed a little soon fi lled in the edges of the road, and we discovered he had head lice. As disappointed. She quickly shifted topic we came to a stop next to the welfare we cut off his locks with a pair of dull and handed out postcards to write on. offi ce near the city center. Th e children scissors, he beamed proudly, having Th ese were meant as thank you let- went in to another shuttle bus bound entered the next symbolic stage of his ters to the many people who had given for their shelter while we were free to young life. Th e other children who had donations to make the camp possible. fi nd our hostel. It was a short goodbye. lice reacted diff erently during their Next, the children wrote comments on We had given a group of street kids haircuts. Th ey cried and pouted, and a diff erent slip of paper thanking the the opportunity to enjoy things they no amount of candy or comfort could volunteers. would never have had the chance to appease them. Th e fi rst child to cry was Sahnder. enjoy. It was an experience, and how For a week, we spent roughly twelve He dropped his head, his shoulders they choose to learn and identify with hours a day with these children. Th e shook, and he drew in short breaths. it will infl uence their young and im- volunteers were sun burnt and sick A volunteer walked up and held him pressionable lives. Perhaps that is only from the weather, and our energy was from behind. Others soon shed their wishful thinking, but looking back I exhausted. I admit I too was getting tears, and the whole tent became feel a strong fondness for the children burnt out. I wanted to get back to the drowned in sniffl es and sobs. Some and the times we shared. For both vol- capital, have a hot shower, wash my children would sit in a corner and unteers and children, it was a crazy, clothes and drink myself in to a stupor. sob, while others would wail openly. wild and unique series of events that It would have to wait. Th rough their choked up voices, the unfolded in the hills of Mongolia. And Interested in volunteering for Mongolia Our last full day at the camp was children said things to us. We had to beneath it all, there was the laughter, particularly rough. We had exhausted get one of our two interpreters to re- the smiles and the desire to do some- Summer Camp 2013? most of our ideas for activities and peat their words in English. Temujin thing good and meaningful. Contact David at [email protected] there was far too much free time for told me he did not want me to leave For that much I am grateful. 12 FRIDAY 07 DECEMBER

CLUBS & SOCIETIES [email protected] Cinema help you go all night

And you thought you were done with staying up late sipping coffee staring at a screen? Except this time the screen’s 33ft, and it hasn’t got tomorrow’s lab report minimized while reddit gently soothes your woes. Imperial Cinema brings you six of the latest releases, back-to-back, for your chance to catch up on the recent blockbusters. With the added challenge of trying to decipher the mind of Joss Whedon at 6am. Just before finishing for the holidays, Imperial Cinema gives you one last chance to prove your All-Nighter chops. After all, that’s what all those sleepless nights at the Library were for, not for your degree that’s for sure. So here’s a guide to the All-Nighter, more valuable than having Bear Grylls with you to explore the North Pole.

6.00pm Looper 3.30am Lawless

After updating your Amazon wish list with all the Mada- So you’ve turned up to the Union Concert Hall, found a seat gascar beanie babies, glad you brought your sleeping bag or two to nestle in like a hibernating bear, only the cool- and PJs, it’s time to grit your teeth for the 5th or “nap time” est bear on the block has this winter entertainment setup. film. Kicking things off is the sci-fi action thriller Looper. Joseph Tom Hardy proves he doesn’t sound like David Attenbor- Gordon-Levitt is a “looper”, a hitman hired to kill those sent ough on steroids in this prohibition era movie. Based on the back from his future. It’s best not to ask questions about the true story of the Bondurant Brothers, who get in too deep physics and just enjoy this rare smart sci-fi action film. once the mob and the law come down on their bootlegging business.

Rotten Tomatoes – 94% Rotten Tomatoes – 68%

8.30pm Skyfall 5.45am The Cabin in the Woods

As the memories of Bruce Willis crawling through the vents in Die Hard come flooding back, you feel like you need an- other hit of action to take the edge off. Imperial Cinema gladly hands you what you need. Daniel Craig reprises his With a cup of instant coffee grounds, because to hell with role as Mr Bond, which sees the franchise firmly ground water diluting your coffee, and a firm slap to the face, it’s Bond in the 21st century while also questioning whether time for the final stretch. Not your standard horror fair, this espionage and exploding pens really fit in with the age of genre bending film twists and turns like no other and only cyber terrorism. tries to unravel horror movie clichés.

Rotten Tomatoes - 92% Rotten Tomatoes - 91%

11.15pm The Perks of Being a The End

Wallflower If you made it this far: congrats, you can now wear the title Trusted Idol Rector of Extended Days, or Time for a coffee and some food for your action come TIRED for short. It’s time to step out of that nest you made, now resembling a hobo lair with Pot Noo- down. The shakes slowly fade as you ask for a coffee, shaken dles and cups of questionable liquid scattered about. Time for the SCR to fill you up to the brim with a not stirred, and get called a twat. Time for some childhood fried breakfast before going to bed. Fair warning: attempting lectures in this state will only end badly, reflection. Based on Stephen Chbosky’s coming of age nov- with you being escorted out of the building, raving about seeing unicorns frolic with jelly babies. el, this often clichéd subject feels sincere rather than sickly Sleep deprivation will give you some crazy ass hallucinations but my god you will never sleep better. with angst. Emma Watson shows she’s more than just a foot- note in the Harry Potter universe, but a rising young star.

Rotten Tomatoes – 86%

1.30am 3 Where: Madagascar : Lineup: Union concert hall, 2nd floor of the Union Europe’s Most Wanted Tickets: 6.00pm Looper Tuesday 11th December. 8:30pm Skyfall Now the true All-Nighter begins, it’s all about pride, show- 11.15pm The Perks Of Being A Wallflower Tickets: ing how hard you are at staying up late and ooooo talking 1.30am Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted For the whole night £10 online (£12 on the animals. Third in the animation series, the Madagascar cast 3.30am Lawless door) return with what manages to be a fresh animation that de- 5.45am The Cabin In The Woods All you can eat hot food and tea/coffee £5 cides to do away with making sense and sticks to the ab- Individual films £3 each on the door surdity of it all. Drinks available all night courtesy of the Union bar Rotten Tomatoes – 79% tickets.imperialcinema.co.uk TONIGHT JÄgerbomb only £2.50 IN ALL BARS, every day house spirit & mixer only £2.00 IN ALL BARS Wednesday & Friday only from 18:00 imperialcollegeunion.org/whats-on

FRIDAY 07 DECEMBER 15

Books Editor: Maciej Matuszewski [email protected] BOOKS Looking Beyond Binary Fiona Hartley explores a refreshingly different anthology

peculative fi ction, that we live in, and those stories that I’m ents being able to choose the gender hard-to-defi ne genre that not as keen on still leave me with some of their child and what might happen encompasses everything interesting imagery or an absorbing if their child disagrees with that choice Sfrom science fi ction to concept. in the story ‘Spoiling Veena’. ‘Sex with alternate histories, is all Th is is a fascinating anthology, and Ghosts’ features an asexual narrator about the fantastical, the what-ifs. It is important because it succeeds in coming face-to-face with her doppel- all about imagination. It’s a genre that breaking the heteronormative mould ganger, who is a customised sexbot challenges the reality that we live in, that permeates fi ction. But it is in no made by her sleazy boss for the pleas- dreaming of and exploring new ideas way perfect, and that’s not just be- ure of brothel clients. about society. Stories exploring gen- cause it’s an anthology – meaning that Equally the nature of an anthology der-identity, therefore, are perfect for the likelihood of one loving every sin- means you probably won’t be a fan such a genre. gle story is low. For a book that prom- of every single story you read. For in- Beyond Binary is an anthology of ises to go beyond the gender binary, stance, I struggle with the Caribbean seventeen stories, edited by Brit Man- there are very few genderqueer char- dialect in Nalo Hopkinson’s ‘Fisher- delo, that have little in common aside acters; not every story is as fantastical man’ and usually skip it, but most re- from them all exploring how their as I would have liked, although given viewers call it one of the best stories characters defi ne their gender identi- the broad nature of the speculative in the collection. I originally disliked ty. It’s 256 pages of enjoyable thought- genre I’ve come to the conclusion they ‘Pirate Solutions’ by Katherine Spar- provoking fi ction and wonderfully de- all fi t in somehow. row, which is about a group of com- signed to boot. Take one of my favourites, ‘Another puter hackers who drink special rum When I fi rst read a review of Be- Coming’ by Sonya Taaff e. It’s a fabu- that turns them into pirates, or they yond Binary, I did so as someone who lous little bisexual story about the par- re-inhabit their past lives as pirates knows very little about challenging entage of an unwanted child conceived because of the rum, or something. gender identity. I am still that now, in a poly relationship. But that doesn’t Somehow the tale has grown on me feeling that I’m somehow unqualifi ed make it genderqueer. Richard Larson’s precisely because I don’t understand to tell you about genderqueer fi ction ‘Th e Ghost Party’ is a menacing piece it, so I read it fairly often, unable to get when I am a cissexual woman and at about a ghostly rave, but aside from the imagery out of my head. ease being that way. I didn’t know that the party its main character Charlee is On refl ection, this collection doesn’t I wanted to read something like this. basically dealing with her attraction to always live up to its title. But I think But perusing that review, I suddenly another girl – again, not particularly I could have done worse for an intro- discovered in myself the desire to read challenging to the gender binary, in duction to queer fi ction. Th e stories this thing beyond my realm of experi- my opinion anyway. are solid and enthralling. You might ence. Since this is an anthology there’s not know that you want to read this, I’d never read a book like this one. something for everyone. My favour- just as I didn’t. But I hope that I’ve I enjoyed the sci-fi , the fantasy, the ites include Kelley Eskridge’s nov- encouraged you to think about step- stories in between, and I loved the fact elette ‘Eye of the Storm’, which is so ping beyond the boundaries of what that it was queer. Yes, I am biased, and good that I will simply recommend you normally read by telling you that perhaps that might make my opinion you read it, regardless of whether you this anthology exists. Try it. You might less valid. But Beyond Binary is just do that by buying this book or one of fi nd Beyond Binary to be one of the refreshingly diff erent. Even now every the author’s other collections. Keyan most interesting things you’ve ever story makes me think about the world Bowes explores the concept of par- read. Looking back at Pride and Prejudice

Rhys Davies Writer a wife.” Yes, yes, we all know how it Th e writing is complex and irritat- If the previous few chapters have a classic and part of the English canon goes. Th e book details the fortunes of ing in places. If I submitted this as an been spent on reactions to the last for good reason. More than that, it’s the Bennet family of Longbourne, fo- English assignment, there would be event or revelations, it’s a fair bet that part of our popular culture and it is Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen cusing on Elizabeth, the second eldest red pen all across the page. Austen the next chapter will include a letter always so much more satisfying when was fi rst published in 1813. It hardly daughter. Th rough a burgeoning mu- is guilty of double negatives, overly to further the plot. you know why. It also helps to be a lit- belongs on the latest bestsellers chart tual attraction between her elder sis- long sentences and speech unchained Th is is chick-lit but it is exqui- tle bit more interesting at dinner par- so why have I landed on this book, ter, Jane, and Mr Bingley, an eligible to characters. However, I can’t tell if site chick-lit. In fact, it is archetypal ties. now? A few reasons. One, it’s one of bachelor new to the neighbourhood, that is how people used to talk back chick-lit. Th e strong-willed female As a fi tting tribute to the 200th an- those classic books that you always she is introduced to the aloof and then, how people of their class used protagonist? Check. Th e handsome niversary of the book, ICSM Drama promise yourself that you’ll read (but proud Mr Darcy. to speak or a peccadillo of Austen yet broody love interest? Check. Th e will be performing a stage adaptation never do). Indeed, I’ve put off read- Finding him intolerable (and him herself. I sense the diff erence of two “Will they? Won’t they?” question of Pride and Prejudice next March. ing this book for nearly two hundred fi nding her wilful and uncivil), she hundred years at work here. that hovers around for the best part Auditions will be held next week. 12- years. Two, my girlfriend adores Aus- declares an immediate dislike of him. However, despite my frustration of 300 pages? Check. Everything else 5pm, Sunday 9th, 2-5pm, Wednes- ten and I wanted to know what all the However, over time, as their social at the over-complicated address, the is detail. If you’re in any doubt, check day 12th, 6-9pm, Tuesday 11th and fuss with this chick-lit is. So, in total, circles intersect and interact, they book is still highly engaging. I don’t out Bridget Jones’ Diary. Th ursday 13th in the Glenister build- a milieu of self-improving and self- fi nd that they’re feelings and impres- know if I could call it pacy, as, for the But could someone please explain ing, Charing Cross campus. Auditions motivated reasons. sions begin to change. majority, the characters rotate be- the point of Mary Bennet? on Monday 10th will be in the Sir Al- “It is a truth universally acknowl- But we all knew that already, right? tween a series of balls, dinners and After this, I feel more tolerant of exander Fleming building, room 121, edged, that a single man in possession Admittedly, I was ignorant on a few travel. Life was hard back then, cer- chick-lit but this could still have been 6-9pm. For more details, please con- of a good fortune must be in want of of the details. tainly! helped a little more plain English. It’s tact [email protected]. 16 FRIDAY 07 DECEMBER

Science Editors: Philip Kent, SCIENCE Laurence Pope, Philippa Skett [email protected] Creepy and Curious at the Hunterian Museum londonist.com Arianna Sorba Writer eyelashes and smiling open mouths — if only so you can avoid them, if you’re the squeamish type! At a loss for what to do this weekend? Meanwhile animals of all shapes Unusually interested in the science of and sizes are sliced up and preserved life? Th en why not take a trip to the in formaldehyde, their jars covering Hunterian Museum? Hidden away in- the walls like some kind of scientifi c, side the Royal College of Surgeons in overwhelming Damien Hirst exhibi- Holborn, it is the ultimate destination tion. Pregnant rats and giant scorpi- to explore all the gory details of animal biology, and satisfy any morbid curi- osities about surgery, disease and the human body. The ultimate Th e Hunterian Museum has existed in some form since way back in 1799, and was originally made up of the destination to enormous and creepy collection of the pioneering (that is, not medically explore all the trained) surgeon John Hunter. Now the exhibition comprises more than 3,500 diff erent anatomical and patho- gory details of logical artefacts, from over 500 diff er- ent species, from a 6 inch skeleton of a human foetus to an exceedingly long animal biology pig epididymis. Highlights in- “ clude the 7ft 7 skel- eton of ‘Irish Just your average Imperial student Giant’ Charles ons cosy up next to tiny tadpoles and skull (except perhaps more cheerful) Byrne (who unrecognisable prehistoric starfi sh, in rather upset- a kind of fascinating, terrifying dis- tingly asked in his play of the intricacy and diversity of will to be buried at the animal world. sea, specifi cally so Even more fascinating are the that he wouldn’t end famous ‘Evelyn Tables’, which, down with complete biological accu- while upstairs, a terrifyingly detailed ment a few years back the exhibition up in a museum), and dating from around” 1640, are racy, using techniques that modern exhibition on diff erent surgery tech- is beautifully presented, and it doesn’t the bound foot bones thought to be the oldest ana- surgeons still aren’t sure of. niques is captivating and disgusting in quite feel like you’re exploring some of a Chinese concubine tomical preparations in Eu- Th e museum also houses a small col- equal measures, with enough strange creepy biologist’s basement. So have — gruesome enough to rope. On four wooden boards, lection of unusual paintings from the looking surgical instruments on dis- a hearty meal, and go and visit — as make any modern wom- the ridiculously complex and 19th century, with subjects as diverse play to make the stomach churn. Th e long as you stay conscious, you won’t an feel bad complaining intricate patterns of nerves, as Siamese twins and dwarf soldiers, interactive parts, especially, are not regret it! about high heels. It’s also veins and arteries that run representing British scientists’ and for the faint-hearted, but are a must- worth looking out for the through the human body artists’ innate curiosity with the most see for anyone who’s ever wanted to Th e Hunterian Museum, Lincoln’s Inn preserved human faces, have somehow been dis- remarkable and, at the time, most in- have a quick go at keyhole surgery! Fields, open Tuesday-Saturday 10am- complete with rosy cheeks, sected, dyed and glued explicable of human ailments. Mean- Th anks to a £3 million refurbish- 5pm. Super-massive black hole baffles scientists

Writer Arianna Sorba black hole ended up in this little gal- axy, just a quarter the size of the Milky Current theo- Way. Initially the team looked for Astronomers analysing data from the signs that a larger galaxy somewhere Hobby-Eberly Telescope in Texas have close by was ‘tidally stripping’ NGC spotted an enormous black hole — but ries of black 1277, drawing out and eating away at in a relatively miniscule galaxy. its stars and gases. But NGC 1277’s Most galaxies, such as our own hole and gal- near-perfect fl at, disc-like shape rules Milky Way, are thought to have a su- that out, and means it can’t be a super- A dark secret lies within per-massive black hole at their centre. position of two diff erent galaxies that this innocent-looking galaxy Current theories suggest that the two axy evolution the astronomers are looking at, either. grow in tandem, and so, across space, What’s even weirder is that the same black hole masses are usually roughly nature.com may need to data also shows fi ve possible other proportional in size to their host gal- “ candidates apparently displaying the axies. billion times the mass of the Sun, and in the black hole’s ‘sphere of infl uence’. same odd phenomenon. Th is sug- But not so with this galaxy, NGC is big for any galaxy, let alone this tiny By chance the galaxy also appeared in be rewritten gests NGC 1277 may not be just some 1277. Where normally the central one! some high-resolution images taken by astronomical fl uke, but actually the black hole has a mass of around one A report in Nature explains how the the Hubble Space Telescope, and the beginnings of evidence that current thousandth the mass of the host gal- team, led by Remco van den Bosch at combined data clearly showed that the theories of black hole and galaxy evo- axy, NGC 1277 appears to be harbour- the Max Planck Institute in Germany, inner stars were orbiting extremely centre. lution need to be rewritten. ing one with a relative mass of a whop- calculated this mass by looking at the fast — suggesting an extremely dense Astronomers are at a loss as to how ping 14%. Th at works out at around 17 velocity dispersion of the stars moving concentration of mass at the galaxy’s to explain how such” an enormous DOI: 10.1038/nature11592 FRIDAY 07 DECEMBER 17

Science Editors: Philip Kent, Laurence Pope, Philippa Skett SCIENCE [email protected] Building a virtual brain A step closer to an artifi cial human brain? Pavitar Devgon discusses sciencemag.org ntelligence has been a hot Not quite like our brains, map used to draw the output). By us- topic in robotics for decades – A new pro- but getting there ing compression fewer cells need to be ever since we started creating used further down the line, so allow- Icomputers and machines, we ject simulat- ing the brain to be more effi cient and have wanted to imbue them functional with its manipulations of with a similar level of learning and in- impulses. telligence to our own. So we turned to ing 100 billion Th is experiment is hoped to be the the most intelligent machine we had fi rst step of further successful ven- – our brains. Researchers in this fi eld tures, building on how neural path- have been simulating neuron maps in neurons ways adapt to diff erent tasks. Even hopes of replicating the human abili- though there are only fi ve subsections ties. Over time, they have been getting in the main model, which deal with ever-more effi cient at it; the Blue Brain performing tasks, Spaun is able to Project was able to simulate 1 million “tried to answer the question of how map across them, choosing the best neurons. Th e more recently created a complex brain produces behaviour. is given through a 28x28 image of a (equivalent to the basal ganglia) and one suitable for the task. Th e purpose Cognitive Computation Project was Th e project included many anatomical character and the output is the move- the cortex. Communications between of the research is to build towards a able to simulate 1 billion neurons, the and physical constraints to be as close ment of an arm – essentially, Spaun the diff erent components of the model proposal for a unifi ed group of neural same amount as the average cat. How- to the real life neural data as possible. writes the answer to whichever task he are analogous to how our neuron fi r- mechanisms able to perform any task, ever, an ambitious new project has A research paper, published on sci- is trying to perform. ing patterns in the brain transmit im- which embodies the choice inherent in been reported to simulate near the hu- encemag.org, shows how the team’s Th e fi gure above shows the function- pulses. our brains. As the research paper says, man scale of 100 billion neurons. model responds to ”eight diff erent al architecture used to create Spaun. Th e process of compression can also “Spaun’s main contribution lies in its While previous experiments only tasks; nicknamed Spaun, the model Th e bold lines are indications where be seen in the model, where represen- breadth… Spaun’s uniqueness lies in its sought to increase computational is shown performing actions such as the brain passes information between tational impulses are compressed from being a platform for exploring the ro- power by including more neurons, the reading and writing a list, counting diff erent elements of the cortex, whilst higher dimensional space (images bust fl exibility of biological cognition.” team, including Chris Eliasmith, Ter- from a given number, and reading the the thinner lines represent commu- taken from the visual input) to lower rence Stewart, Xuan Choo, et al., also position of a given number. Th e input nication between the action selection dimensional space (the standard 3D DOI: 10.1126/science.1225266 Don’t let your heart rule your head

Writer Sarah Byrne Smoking emerged as a particular risk, being strongly and consistently associated with loss of memory and Cognitive decline is often accepted executive processing abilities at both as an inevitable part of aging. Even the four year and eight year follow-up aside from specifi c conditions such as studies. Alzheimer’s disease, poor short term Interestingly, even borderline-high memory and impaired reasoning abili- blood pressure appeared to be corre- ties can be among the problems that lated with loss of memory function. come with older age, and for many In fact, this appeared to be a bigger people they can be severe enough to risk factor than very high blood pres- interfere with daily activities and the sure: possibly because the borderline ability to live independently. But there cases were less likely to have been is mounting evidence that the risk of considered worth treating with pres- developing such problems is strongly sure-reducing antihypertensive drugs. correlated with common health and Th is new fi nding points to a possible lifestyle issues. benefi t of treating even the borderline Age and Aging journal recently cases. Th e good news is that the dam- A clever visual metaphor too pretty published a large cohort study by re- age appears to take place slowly over to leave out. As if smoking needed searchers at Kings College London, several years, giving hope that early more reasons not to be picked up... looking specifi cally at the relation- intervention may be able to success- ship between cardiovascular risk fac- fully prevent it. tors and cognitive decline. Such risk Th e researchers recommend using factors – including obesity, smoking, these fi ndings in the design of future blood pressure and cholesterol levels clinical trials to study attempts at pre- – have often before been proposed as address. function’, which involves verbal fl uen- tive index for each participant, based ventative measures, eventually leading signifi cant. It matters, because these Th e study analysed data mostly col- cy, attention span and mental speed. on a composite of their scores in each to population-based interventions. It factors are usually modifi able: if de- lected between 2004 and 2005, and Th ese tests strangely resemble chil- study, and how those scores deviate is becoming increasingly clear, how- tected early enough, we may be able many participants also took part in dren’s games: how many animals can from the average. ever, that there are many factors con- to do something about them and pre- follow-up studies several years later. you name in one minute? How many Th e results confi rmed the suspicion tributing to cognitive decline, and any vent the damage. However, until now, Th is allowed researchers to track the of these ten words can you recall? that the same risk factors that predis- successful intervention will have to there were no large-scale, long-term progress of physical health and cogni- Nonetheless they are widely accepted pose a person to have cardiovascular take this into account and address the population-based studies to confi rm tive variables over time. Health pro- as reliable measures of cognitive func- health problems – stroke and coro- multiple causes. or disprove the hypotheses. It was this fessionals use a standard set of tests tioning. In this study, the researchers nary heart disease – also put them at gap that the current study aimed to to measure memory and ‘executive used the results to calculate a cogni- risk of impaired cognitive function. DOI: 10.1093/ageing/afs166 18 FRIDAY 07 DECEMBER

Science Editors: Philip Kent, SCIENCE Laurence Pope, Philippa Skett [email protected] Have a very Merry Christmas and a fact-fi lled New Year! Philippa Skett, signing off for Christmas with some festive facts

t’s beginning to look a lot like buy a real tree, as fake ones are made giving presents to English children Christmas… isn’t it? No doubt primarily out of polyvinyl chloride, alone. Santa is probably dead from you are reading this already non-renewable and a producer of car- obesity-related diseases. Sorry kids. Isnuggled up warm in your cinogens when synthesised. Th ey may Even if Father Christmas did slim knitted jumper complete with also contain lead and other additives down over the year, reindeers still reindeer design, sipping mulled wine that could lead to health impediments. could not pull him through the sky. and getting positively drunk on the Real trees can look worn and lose their Th ey are particularly unsuitable for festive cheer. Of course you aren’t; you needles very quickly, but studies show fl ight because mammals are evolution- are like any other Imperial student- arily derived from earlier tetrapods; for walled up in the Library, slowly chew- reindeers to even have wings the devel- opment of another set of limbs, bring- ing their grand total to six, would have had to occur. Reindeer instead have four limbs developed into large circu- lar hooves used to scrape snow from lichen and to spread out their weight, which are hardly aerodynamic. Also, on average, they weigh around 350kg and do not feature hollow bones, or a respiratory system based around four Contrary to popular opinion, Santa Claus is in fact incredibly ripped. Said air sacs (as seen in birds) that acts a lot one woman, “‘I’d give Mr Claus more than just mince pies to munch on.” like bellows. Reindeer are destined to stay on the ground. The general reaction of women On a cheerier note, there is always when I try to kiss them bum L. is known to produce proteins of employment per year? Take Britain, the potential for theoretical physicists I can barely contain my over- that target and kill rapidly dividing with a population of 63.1 million. Th is to fi ll in the gaps, with wormholes or whelming excitement. cells — those that can lead to cancer. includes 10,854,360 children. Remov- space-time warping having the poten- that if you maintain your living room Th e serum may also be used in the fu- ing those who won’t be celebrating tial for Santa to deliver all the presents at around a 90% humidity level, there is ture to induce cell death of immuno- Christmas or were on the naughty list in the allotted amount of time. Some- a fi vefold increase in needle retention, logically important natural killer cells, (based on the number of fi rst time en- thing some of you could consider for ing your arm off . However, who said as this reduces water loss and any xy- which could prove useful in treating trants to the criminal justice system) Ph.D research? Lastly, you will also science can’t be joyous? Spice up your lem tension that causes the needles to autoimmune diseases such as rheuma- then leaves us with 10,240,466 chil- be pleased to know that the Met Of- Christmas dinner banter with some of drop off . You might want to give your toid arthritis. However, don’t go chew- dren in total. With the average number fi ce predicts that more than half of all these festive facts, or use them to tell Christmas party a tropical theme this ing these plants if your joints start to of children per household being 1.8, Christmases recorded should turn out that particularly annoying younger year… feel sore — ingesting V. album L. can and assuming in this waste-conscious to be a “White Christmas,” with 38 out relative once and for all why there is Still not a tree fan? Mistletoe may be cause stomach pain, diarrhoea and a time we only leave one mince pie per of the last 52 years Christmas days see- (probably) no Santa. the hemi-parasitic evergreen for you. low heart rate. household, that is still 5,689,148 mince ing snow. So there is still hope yet for First off , you need to go out and buy Viscum fraxini, an aqueous extract Speaking of ingestion, how many pies Santa needs to get through. Th at is that traditional Christmas card scene that perfect Christmas tree. It is envi- from mistletoe species Viscum album mince pies do you think Santa Claus 1,422,286,933 calories. Santa eff ective- for when we take a revision break ronmentally better in the long term to L., may have medical potential. V al- really eats throughout his one night ly puts on around 29,000 stone from sometime this holiday. Waka waka waka? Pac-Man: The Sequel saturn.jpl.nasa.gov Science Editor Laurence Pope possess a similar anomalous patterns. Electron bombard- heat pattern. ment patterns match up with It has been theorized that the unexpected heat maps. At one point it was just Mimas, one the unusual pattern of both Mimas already has anoth- of Saturn’s 62 moons, that looked like moons is formed due to the er claim to fame — from cer- 80’s gaming legend Pac-Man (below). impact of high-energy elec- tain angles, it looks like the Now Tethys, another Saturnian natu- trons generated from Saturn’s Star Wars Death Star. (left) Th e ral satellite, becomes the second. magnetosphere. Both moons are image is created due to Mimas’ huge Th e unusual pattern, recorded using composed of water-ice, with Saturn- impact crater, Herschel, named after NASA’s Cassini probe’s thermal imag- facing struck areas at lower latitudes the moon’s discoverer. Th e Herschel er, was fi rst spotted on Mimas converted to hard-packed ice, increas- crater, almost a third of the diameter in 2010, with the warmer ar- ing its thermal conductivity. Th is of Mimas and wider than Australia, eas making up the Pac-Man causes the aff ected regions to also resembles one of the power pel- shape. Recent observations, heat more slowly during the lets from the original Pac-Man. Maybe this article should have published in the journal day and cool more slowly at night, gone into the Games section... ICARUS, reveal Tethys to generating the anomalous heat DOI: 10.1016/j.icarus.2012.10.013 HOLY SHIT. THE CAT HAS THE CHEESEBURGER.

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Business Editor: Deepka Rana BUSINESS [email protected] Getting in with the Crowd Joanna Taylor underlines the benefi ts of crowd-sourced funding

tart-ups have to raise money, neurs quickly lose ownership and hence being that owners can retain more con- companies who have seized the poten- Another implication for crowd-fund- whatever the business there morale in their businesses. Clearly, this trol over their business. Investors also tial to design platforms from which this ing is its ability to weed out start-ups that will be a need at some point. type of funding is massively in favour of do not need to commit huge amounts initiative is easily accessible for both are likely to fail. If a start-up reaches its STh e biggest issue for most is the already rich and successful. On the into one project therefore opening up start-ups and potential investors. Ex- desired target is it more likely to succeed how. other side of the coin, this also means investment opportunities to the general amples include Crowdcube, a UK lead- as a business concept? You could argue Traditional options are Business An- only wealthy people have the opportu- public i.e. the Crowd; hence the concept er, and AngelList and Prosper.com in it is. In the case of traditional fi nancing gels – wealthy individuals who provide nities to invest money in start-ups. In is aptly known as crowd-funding. America. A crowd-funding portal will involving a small number of parties it is capital and advice in return for equity, both cases the regular people seem to In fact people can tactfully “hedge typically allow start-ups to pitch their defi nitely plausible that those few inves- and venture capitalists who generally be losing out (what a shocker). their bets” by investing smaller amounts ideas and personalise their pages, which tors have made a silly mistake, but when provide higher sums of seed but with So, already I have highlighted two in many start-ups in the hope that even can then be searched for and viewed by hundreds or even thousands of people harsher conditions. But, obtaining in- problems for entrepreneurship: one, if some do not follow through there will individuals. An interesting new take on have invested into a business it gives a vestment is very hard for fl edgling busi- start-ups face a huge uphill struggle to still be an overall return. Th is is analo- the world of social networking. Crowd- sense of reassurance – surely that many nesses as these sources rarely part with get that initial investment, and two, the gous to the way a venture capital fi rm funding portals are innovating business people can’t be really stupid? money without seeing a proof of con- masses have no platform from which works, essentially avoiding putting all fi nancing even more by allowing com- Crowd-funding: bringing a host of cept. For many businesses it is extremely they can invest in new projects. Not a its eggs in one basket by investing in panies to off er incentives other than strangers together in one innovative diffi cult to get to this stage without any very optimistic view if you fancy your several companies, knowing that just a equity, for example a new bar may off er meeting place somewhere in the depths fi nancial backing in the fi rst place. Bit foot on the business ladder. Cue the so- couple need to boom to ensure an over- free drinks to the investor if they put in a of “the web” where they can join forces of a vicious circle you might have no- lution: crowd-funding. all profi t; except where Mr V.C invests certain amount of capital. Rewards like to drive the success of the newest busi- ticed. Secondly, because the options It’s a pretty simple concept: lots of £100,000 a time, John Smith is able to this can also promote the start-up to a ness generation, and potentially reap are so limited, such groups hold a lot of people each invest a small amount in invest £100. Th is is a very attractive op- bigger audience and draw in supporters. the rewards. Is this the ground-breaking control over small businesses; an early a start-up, contributing to a big pot of tion for individuals who do not want Th ere are even more obscure crowd- future of business fi nancing? In 2011 stage start up never holds much bar- overall capital. Th is means a company their savings to stagnate in a bank ac- funding platforms such as those for alone $1.5bn was raised via online gaining power and the more desperate can obtain fi nancing more easily and count. public sector organisations like schools, crowd-funding and I say why not put for money it is the worse the terms of in- does not have to give a majority of eq- Th e model of crowd-funding has pro- or for artists, perhaps to raise money for faith in the masses? We can’t all get it vestment are. It is in this way entrepre- uity to one person, the obvious appeal pelled the formation of “middle-man” a fi lm production. wrong. From Fine Art to the App Store Ausrine Kersanskaite Writer during an early UX walk-through, I Wired, Guardian, Gigaom, Th e Mail, about. Th e simplistic design makes read the full article here: http://www. was enthralled not only by what they Shortlist, and #1 New And Notewor- the experience a breeze and no need icstartup.com/news/what-did-we- were trying to do – provide tickets for thy as chosen by Apple, just to name to print out tickets, just show the get-fi rst-workshop/), and also partici- Just a short while ago, I was a Fine Art same night entertainment – but also a few), I’d say it’s been some pretty in-app-ticket on the door (oh, and it pating at Silicon Valley comes to Im- graduate slowly coming to realisa- by a really slick app design and awe- awesome growth for a brand new works with Apple’s Passbook, too). perial, where he was on a panel to ‘An tion that conceptual art & me is not some user journey (I’ve seen a few al- start-up! We’ve just announced seed Our team is awesome & has unrivalled Insider’s Insight: Day 1 to Scale.’ Quite a good match. Back then, looking for pha versions of other apps before and round investment of $1.7m, our user experience from places like Time Out, a few Imperial students were among a a ‘real’ job, I accidentally stumbled could only wish that any of them were base is growing, the events are being Toptable, GetTaxi, Airbnb, lasminute. small community of early YPlan users across Songkick and got to be one of as fi nished as YPlan’s one was). Even booked, and YPlan is standing next com, Goldman Sachs, and more… and who got access well before the launch the lucky ones to become their intern. though I didn’t pursue the artist path to other mobile commerce apps such I think I’m really lucky to be among and were trialling out the app while Starting out as a Data Warrior (don’t eventually, I do have an eye for beau- as Hailo, Uber, Hotel Tonight, Airbnb them. the YPlan team was fi ne-tuning. ask), after just a few months I pro- tiful design. Alpha fi nished in about and the likes. As smartphone users are Now, if you’re interested in start- Th ing is, after graduating from my gressed to full-time project assistant a month and I found myself crushed growing (currently making up 50% of ups and follow their game, you’d say course, not many people got to start role working with the hiring team. Th e that I couldn’t access the app every total mobile subscribers in the UK and – what do you need all those people their own businesses or were able to offi ce was smack dab in the middle of morning as per my new ritual. nearing that in West Europe and the for (and how can you aff ord that)? start working at such an early stage Silicon Roundabout, where the start- Th e other co-founder, Viktoras Juci- US), the time couldn’t be better for the Where’s all that lean start-up ap- start-up getting to see how things re- up scene is buzzing (and before Song- kas, re-contacted me mid-summer an- mobile commerce apps to start taking proach everyone’s talking about? Well, ally happen. I remember sitting in IP kick, I didn’t even know it existed). nouncing that they were taking off and over the world. YPlan’s founders Rytis Vitkauskas (28, (Intellectual Property) class thinking I left Songkick to study full-time on the hunt for interns. I found myself To give you a bit of a background of HBS graduate and former VC) and it was the most boring thing in the for my MSc at the Imperial College more than just interested and started YPlan – it’s the world’s fi rst mobile- Viktoras Jucikas (31, former Execu- world – guess what one of my fi rst Business School last September – and as a part-timer (as I was still working only ticket booking app that makes tive Director at Goldman Sachs) were tasks was at YPlan? Filing a trademark! what an intense year that was (anyone on my fi nal paper at this point), and going out tonight easier than it ever taking up a very lean approach while And I got pretty excited about it, too. studying at Imperial is familiar with following my last exam, got a full-time was. Londoners can get inspired, they were in ideation phase. In fact, Th e moral of the story is, a few years the pace)! Not wanting to lose touch job off er (and couldn’t be more excit- pay in two taps, and go on the same you might have met Rytis already, and ago I was a Fine Arts graduate plagued with the incredible start-up roots I ed). I’ve been with YPlan from the very night. UK ticketed entertainment is heard him talking about with worry on how I was actual- had planted, I led ICBS Innovation & fi rst day (I mean the very fi rst – where a $5bn industry, utilised only at 50%, his journey into YPlan – in ly going to make it as an artist. A Design club and sat on a committee of we actually got keys to our brand new and currently only 2% of events are the past few months, well chain of very odd and fortuitous Entrepreneurs Interactive. Together, offi ce – at that time, a shared offi ce completely sold out, so YPlan solves before the launch, he was events led me to work at Song- we arranged for loads of famous as space at TechHub). As the concept a problem for venues and promoters. invited to speak at Imperial kick, then study at Imperial, and well as up-and-coming start-ups to began to pick up steam, we quickly It also allows Londoners to be more College a number of times fi nally be one of the early mem- come and speak at Imperial. outgrew our offi ces moving to a much spontaneous and book awesome stuff – as a keynote speaker of bers of YPlan team, and so I got Th en, nearly as serendipitous as the more suitable space in King’s Cross. from a carefully curated list of events ICBS Entrepreneurs Club, fully immersed in the exciting YPlan app itself, I became an alpha From 6 people on the very fi rst day (think chess boxing, rickshaw racing, leading the very fi rst work- start-up experience. I’ve learned tester for what looked to be the best to 15-full time and 2 freelancers in rooftop cinemas, art exhibition open- shop (topic: ideation, how that as long as you’re not afraid last minute ticketing app on the hori- just a few months, not to mention a ings, ping-pong tournaments, cabaret, you can structure it, and to delve into the unknown and zon. As I met one of the co-founders, phenomenal launch with impressive comedy, brewery tours, etc.) in some how YPlan was the idea take challenges head on, start- Rytis Vitkauskas, for the fi rst time press mentions (Wall Street Journal, of the best venues you never knew 51) at ICStartup (you can up life is really the place to be. FRIDAY 07 DECEMBER 21

Business Editor: Deepka Rana [email protected] BUSINESS Students Projects given Chance to Shine Giri Kesavan shares highlights from Imperial’s fi rst ever CSR conference

hink social responsibility the Rainbow Trust to EY’s extensive and you don’t normally portfolio of social enterprises. Th e think of banks. Discov- Rainbow Trust mentioned how they Tering social enterprise, were successful in becoming the char- learning business skills, ity partner for Nomura and raising pitching for sponsorship and inspir- £500,000 in just a year – just through ing volunteering were just some of employee engagement and matched the themes explored in the Imperial giving (where the fi rm matches any College Finance Society (ICFS) led donation made by an employee to a Corporate Citizenship conference charity). Following this, students had on Wednesday. A pilot event for the the exclusive chance to listen to the society and run in collaboration with UK Head of Corporate Citizenship Imperial Hub & Th e Student Led at Ernst & Young – who highlighted Projects symposium, the conference key projects in entrepreneurship, ed- brought together senior business ucation & environment totalling £5.1 leaders from investment banks, start million of UK sponsorship in the past up social entrepreneurs and student year. projects – with a series of speeches, Th e highlight of the speeches was workshops and a sponsorship pitch- undoubtedly John Grisby, a social ing session with £750 up for grabs. entrepreneur who co-founded DNA Sponsorship isn’t as simple as writ- Performance – an organisation aimed ing a document, emailing a fi rm and at fi nding and educating the next gen- getting money for projects and soci- eration of business leaders for CSR eties. Students nationwide learned style projects. In John’s landmark about the unique approaches and speech – he touched on the issue of strategies used by ICFS in develop- “self-awareness” – you might think ing and maintaining extraordinarily you’re a pro – but your sponsors may close partnerships with over 33 fi rms not! Reviewing, refl ecting and adapt- – the key themes being professional- ing your team to drive sustained per- ism without elitism, a small exec com- formance is key to securing long-term mittee with tight sponsorship control, investment and sponsorship. It’s as accountability and of course informal- much about emotional intelligence Th e Imperial College El Salvador winning projects but to all 10 who how they could take it to the next level ity – when in doubt, make a cool You- as it is about having competitive and project (working on critical construc- pitched on the day – they all received with the opportunities from Imperial Tube video! Projects had the chance unique technical skills. tion projects overseas) left the judges valuable feedback from sponsorship Hub. It was a fantastic end to a highly to hear from ICFS sponsors such as Sound words of advice indeed. Fol- impressed with their quick-fi re ability pitching veterans and no doubt this successful pilot event for the ICFS; Nomura on why they support the so- lowing the presentations, projects to turn an engineering project into a will help in the future! the fi rst event of this kind organised ciety and the key takeaway message: If had the chance to network and pre- viable social enterprise proposition Student Hubs’ CEO Adam O’Boyle by any fi nance society in the country! you want funding for a student-pro- pare for their sponsorship pitches – walking away with the top prize of closed the conference with an eye- Educational. Inspirational. Motiva- ject – don’t act like a student but act in workshops run by Stuart Arnott £500. Th e Kenyan Orphan project – opening speech into the foundation tional. Th anks to a fantastic eff ort by like a corporate! (Mindings) and Rhiannon Horsley supporting health, welfare and educa- and impact of Student Hubs – the ICFS, Imperial Hub and the Student With keynote presentations from (from our very own Imperial Hub) on tion in Kenya – similarly impressed umbrella organisation behind Imperi- Led Projects Symposium – that’s ex- Nomura and Ernst & Young, stu- writing business plans in a 9-fold con- with their personal and passionate al Hub this year. With numerous ways actly what students felt of this pilot dents witnessed fi rst-hand the kind of cept as well as the critical attributes pitch; winning £250 of sponsorship. to get involved whatever your volun- conference – see you next year where CSR projects such fi rms fund – from of emotion, conveying a story, suc- Many congratulations not only to the teering aspirations – projects learned we’ll go bigger and better! cinctness and passion in pitches for sponsorship. With over 10 projects vying for £750 worth of sponsorship Sponsorship – these workshops gave them valuable feedback on their business plans and existing proposals – preparing them isn’t as sim- for the main event: Th e Sponsorship Stand out from the crowd Pitching competition. With £750 of ICFS Sponsorship up ple as writing for grabs in a competition with 10 strong student-led projects from Im- a document, perial College, Loughborough Uni- versity, UCL & Liverpool University – the high stakes pitching challenge emailing a was the highlight of the day. Judged by business representatives from Inside Buzz, John Grisby, Stuart Arnott and fi rm and get- Rhiannon Horsley, projects had just three minutes to covey their ideas, ting money hopes, dreams and ambitions to our panel – with immediate feedback. From societies to social enterprises, for projects each pitch was unique and it was up to the judges to answer the critical ques- tion: Who should we invest in Who Write for Felix Business “and societies has what it takes to stand up and do ” a pitch? 22 FRIDAY 07 DECEMBER

Fashion Editors: Alex Ramadan, FASHION Saskia Verhagen, Alice Yang [email protected] A luxurious death Alice Yang discusses whether fast fashion is killing luxury brands

ommon knowledge to year-on-year growth of 6% in its nine- known as Marks & Spencer. You see, anyone who actually month report this October, leading the beloved British brand M&S fell wants to embark upon to a comfortable 12% share price rise upon its own arrow towards suc- Ca career in the near fu- this year. However, call me cynical, cess when it stopped defi ning its ture, the world economy but does this not defeat the point of customer base, and attempted to is dragging its feet along the ground Hugo Boss being ‘luxury’? Surely, the target everyone – in short, the and practically all global growth has premium paid on an item of Hugo company moved too quickly been brought to a grinding halt. Th e Boss clothing as opposed to say, Zara, into unknown market terri- unfortunate result from all of this, be- should be mainly due to the excep- tory, and is now sitting on sides the lack of money each and every tional quality of the garment, its pres- a share price of just £3.79, one of us is painfully aware of, is the tige and regrettably, in part, its name down from £7.49 at its negative commotion surrounding the label. But once rattled down to the peak in 2007. And unfor- luxury sector. basics, of a t-shirt for example, I hate tunately Nina Ricci seems Investors around the globe have to admit it but the improved quality of to be heading towards the been worrying themselves to split- the fabric itself no longer justifi es the same fate. Of course dedi- ends as to how much the slow down price hike given that both Boss and cated Ricci fans will still in emerging markets, especially China Zara items are factory made. buy their girly dresses, will eff ect the likes of Burberry and Moving onto an even stranger com- but for those wanting Hugo Boss, as well as PPR and LVMH plaint, Nina Ricci’s recent additional something ‘special’, – the corporate conglomerates that collections also seem like a bad move a bit of something own high fashion favourites such as away from their luxury high fashion that makes them Louis Vuitton, Fendi, Givenchy, Marc roots. Th e design house now have not feel above eve- Jacobs, Gucci, Yves Saint Laurent, just the two standard spring/summer ryone else, which Alexander McQueen, Balenciaga etc. and autumn/winter collections, as let’s not even TRY and

And strangely enough, it seems that well as the well popularised two pre- deny is why many splash AW2011 Marc Jacobs, the answer the boards of directors spring and pre-fall collections, but out on high fashion, Nina Ricci will Louis Vuitton Kusama Yayoi have found themselves striving for are now also hosting pre-pre-spring no longer be the design house of is design more, make more and sell and pre-pre-fall collections. All in all, choice. more FASTER. In other words, luxury given that you trust my basic maths Once again, I state my case: the seems to be taking a dive towards the skills, that adds up to 6 collections of defi nition and success of luxury world of fast fashion long trumpeted womenswear a year. rests on prestige and unobtain- by the high street. More explicitly put, in their attempt ability. Once this is dissipated, it Take for example Hugo Boss: since to attract more buyers with their di- will not be long before we see an appointing Claus-Dietrich Lahrs as minishing price points per ‘pre’ added erosion in sales, and consequently CEO of the company in 2008, the before the season, Nina Ricci seem to profi ts. Chanel SS2013. Bag, Hoop The Hula brand has doubled the number of be heading down the road towards Whilst of course there is a yearly collections it produces to four, the fash- ion faux-pas land of A chance that I may be proven hor- reduced their overall development Little Bit Of rendously wrong, but, the way I see reaching the times and poured €100m into an auto- Something For it, the trend towards fast fashion may end of their cre- mated factory. From the Everyone, be spelling out the fi nal demise of ative ideas; fi gures, this s e e m s otherwise certain brands. Th ese brands Karl Lager- to have worked are such that they are inacces- feld’s designs for well for t h e sible enough at the moment faced with designing Chanel, Fendi and company, with a to be termed ‘luxury’, yet are more lines per annum than years even his own eponymous label have not quite topping the stable he’s lived – four womenswear and been getting somewhat boring despite mountains of high fashion. two menswear for BOTH Alexander his outlandish attempts to spice things On top of this, there is also Wang and T by Alexander Wang; four up (see Chanel’s SS13 hula-hoop bag), the issue of designers womens and two mens lines for the and even Marc Jacobs seems to be themselves. Peter bulk of his new job at Balenciaga; and running out of ideas with polka-dots Copping, in taking 14 other lines (seven collections twice still not quite escaping his grasp (from on 6 lines a year a year) making up the rest of the PPR- Marc Jacobs AW11, to Marc Jacobs for Nina Ricci, owned house. On top of that, there are Dot Eau to Parfum and now alongside may not be add- also swim lines, lingerie, shoes, bags Louis Vuitton’s collaboration with ing too much to and jewellery to consider. Yayoi Kusama). his work load, He may be young, and full of crea- It seems that the recent onset of but what about tive energy, but surely even Wang panic from investors and CIOs push- Alexander can’t pump out 32 new full sets of ing for profi ts and margins seem to Wang who at designs a year for long. And who can have completely demolished the les- the young age blame him if he fails, after all none of sons learnt from John Galliano’s fall of 28 will now the old fashion guard have ever suc- from grace. But perhaps Wang and be designing cessfully taken on so much. In fact his fellow new generation designers 32 collections a some designers, on reaching such a will prove us wrong, and maybe, just year? level of success, decided to go their maybe, this new world of fast fashion I kid you not, own way: Jean-Paul Gaultier famously the high streets have been pioneering fashion’s favourite chose his own brand over Hermés, for so long might just turn out to be a newbie, on being and Alexander McQueen too decided success for luxury too. Whatever way awarded the job of that his own label was to win attention the tides turn, the onset of the New Out with the old and in with the new? Marc Jacobs, Alexander Wang, Karl Lagerfeld creative designer at over Givenchy. Even the multi-tasking Year looks like one to bring exciting Balenciaga, is now masters of creation seem to be fi nally new times a-plenty.          

    

        

    

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PHOENIX Good. Email... [email protected] 24 FRIDAY 07 DECEMBER

Technology Editor: Jason Parmar TECHNOLOGY [email protected] We went to the Gadget Show Max Eggl and the Felix Tech team play around on some of the latest tech

From left to right: The best way to watch X-Factor; two men who take Movember way too seriously; A visual metaphor for most men’s internet history; and a 3D printer model, Library computers won’t connect

ast Friday three young below par to be honest. Th ere were or battle robots (like the ones on Robot wash it gently with warm water, and whippersnappers (i.e. the some interesting things that caught Wars). I actually had a try and totally about 60% then dry it with hot air”). Felix Tech team) made my eye and I kept their locations in dominated my opposition (well....not After we had seen the most inter- Ltheir way to the Gadget mind, however at that given moment really). Anything that was not a toy or esting things, it was not the turn of Show Live, in the ExCeL, I was more into browsing the whole for wellness was an accessory for your of the stands the somewhat pointless contraptions hoping to see the newest tech on the area than looking at specifi c things. smartphone. I would estimate about on which most people spend their market, as well as have some well- One of these was a portable projector, 60% of the stands at the Gadget Show hard earned money. We ridiculed the earned time off . Once we arrived there a little beamer thing that you attached were smartphone accessory related. at the Gadget Christmas tree that sprayed styrofoam and got our shiny press passes sorted to your phone and it would project Th us when I met up again with the snow, and wondered at its use. We had out, we decided to split up so that each what was on your screen onto the wall. tech team to relay what I had seen, I Show were a go at a vibrating plate that apparently of us would have a diff erent view of Th e projection was a little faint, but was actually quite disappointed. Luck- qualifi ed as a work out, maxing them what actually was going on in the tech it had to be kept in mind that it was ily I had not payed the £30 entry price out to the highest rpm they had and world. quite bright in the hall. While I was for the show, but I still felt somewhat smartphone laughed at the eff ect the vibrations had Th e two biggest areas of the exhibi- playing with the beamer with my iP- ripped off . Th is exposition did not on our voices. We also came across a tion were given over to Microsoft and hone (apparently it is compatible with seem to want to display the newest bunch of designer 3-D glasses (yes the Nintendo. Th is does fi t with the con- any OS), I had some interesting things tech, but rather advertise and sell the accessory re- ones you get in the cinema, just de- clusion that the companies who re- in mind. Th is technology if marketed stuff it already had. Th ese thoughts signerised), which were actually quite ally need media attention to sell their correctly could replace the need for were echoed by the Tech writers, and lated fairly priced. Our last stop was the sec- product are going to try as hard as they televisions. Th e majority of users who we all felt rather cheated. However we tion of old arcade and computer games can, at every opportunity that is avail- have a smartphone have some kind of decided to give it another try for you, set up by the Computing History Mu- able. Since I am not the Windows guy TV app on their device, be it Sky Go dear reader, but this time, together so seum. Although I was thrashed by of the Tech team, and we had enough or BBC iPlayer. Th e only problem with that we could brave the disappoint- under water, but its tear resistance and Jason in the old fashioned tennis and coverage of Windows 8 anyway, I de- watching any program on their phone ment as one. all round originality was very cool. football games, when the antes where cided to skip out on the Microsoft is the relative small size of their screen. On my previous meandering I had “Without further ado the tech team upped it was my turn to exact revenge. area. On the other hand I was quite Yet with the mini projector, the area encountered some rare interesting had bough a few booklets to test at Yong Wen on the other hand managed intrigued by the Nintendo stand, due you are watching becomes roughly the things, and therefore when neither home! Next we had a look at a bunch to spectacularly lose in an old version to the recent release of the Wii U. As same as the size of a medium sized TV. Jason (Tech Editor, who should actu- of wiggly ears that move according to of Super Mario. Th en we bid farewell I made my way over to the large al- After my rendezvous with the pro- ally have been in charge) nor Yong your brainwaves. Although the actual to the Gadget Show, and these three most playground like area, it seems jector I continued my stroll among Wen (the other Tech writer) put a vi- use of these things eluded us, we still young whippersnappers headed back others also had similar ideas. A larger the stands. To my disappointment able point of interest forward, I took decided to have a look at these weird home! than life Mario and Luigi were walking only the minority of things were truly charge (sigh) and guided them to what contraptions. As we were listening to Th e Gadget Show is very consumer around the area, uttering the occa- revolutionary. Th e rest were either I thought was interesting. First port of the “sales person” giving us his pitch, orientated, with the majority of stands sional “Mamma Mia!”, and in general toys for teens or for older men, who call was LG, and boy it did not disap- Jason was wearing a pair of these pink trying to sell you something instead of everything was packed. Th e attention will always remain children at heart. point. Not only did we get to see the cat ear things on his head. I watched show you something you haven’t seen to detail was great, and I did have a go Examples of these were lego (lego at a world’s fi rst 84” Ultra HD TV, but then with fascination when the ears gave a before. I, and the others for that matter, on the Wii U for two games and man- tech show!?!), RC cars, RC helicopters saw something that was the absolute twitch every so often. After that rather where disappointed as we had expect- aged to avoid the queue by waving my highlight of the show. A TV that could funny episode” we made our way to the ed more awe-inspiring tech. Yet when shiny press pass! (see page 42) show two diff erent things at the same 3D printer, where we watched a little we actually took the eff ort to look After I had my fi ll in Nintendo, I time. Like with a 3D TV, when part of stick man being created right in front among the little stands that the crowd decided that other parts of the Gadg- ... attached to the screen is polarised one way and an- of our eyes. Although 3D printers have overlooked we were pleasantly sur- et Show also needed my attention. other, the other way, it did this but with been around for a while, this was the prised at all the original stuff that we I walked over to EA (which was a two totally diff erent screens. Jason and fi rst time I had seen one and I thought got to see. Th e big companies just want cube thing) and looked into that, but your phone I both had a go, playing a racing game it was quite amazing. Th e various to get rid of what they have, instead of I quickly decided that this would not (I naturally won) where we saw diff er- models littering the table around the introducing something new, as tried be worth my time, as several teen boys and it projects ent things, like a split screen superim- printer were very diff erent, including and tested is always better than going had staked their territory in front of posed. model castles, balls and even a plas- out on a limb. Th e little guys however the large FIFA 13 station, and were After this wonder, things were look- tic chain that apparently could carry have nothing to lose. Th ey don’t have hogging it like their was no tomor- what is on ing up, and the next place I lead to did a grown man (although I wouldn’t im- any old tech to rely on, instead trying row. Anyway I thought that I had seen not disappoint either, i.e. Stone pa- agine for very long). Shortly after we to create their own market and show it too much gaming already and needed per. Yes, you read correctly, stone pa- visited a stand full of toilets, Yong Wen off to anybody who wants to see. All in to fi nd some real cutting-edge tech to your screen per. Made from Limestone instead of and me wanted to move on, but Jason all, I would have felt cheated if I would write about. trees, it has some benefi cial properties was quite intrigued by these porcelain have had to pay £30 for the tickets, So I wandered around in search of onto the wall compared to normal paper, and is en- thrones. Th e special thing about these even though there was some nice stuff , something absolutely stunning, but vironmentally friendly to boot! Writ- toilets is that they wipe your butt for however there wasn’t enough to war- the majority of stands that I saw were “” ing on it was a bit strange, especially you (actually as Yong Wen put it: “they rant such a relatively high price. FRIDAY 07 DECEMBER 25

Technology Editor: Jason Parmar [email protected] TECHNOLOGY Make your 3D TV more useful Yong Wen Chua checks out LG’s amazing new dual vision 3D TV

Modelling some designer glasses at the Gadget Show The dual screen (see page on the left)

onsumer electronics will only emit light in a certain plane. usually be in the form of a split screen. thing (in this case 3D) in a diff erent novative approaches can only be good manufacturers often like Some 3D TVs will display two diff er- In this case, the image for each player fashion (to deliver two images simul- for the consumers, until the patent to proclaim that their ent images in two diff erent polarisa- was blown up to take advantage of taneously). With the ever competitive lawyers start knocking on the doors of Cproducts boast the high- tions, usually at 45 and 135 degrees. the whole screen. Th e LG representa- consumer electronics market, such in- course. est numbers in a certain Th e lens on each side of a pair of 3D tive said that this works for all game arbitrary unit that often make no glasses are polarised to only allow consoles without needing any special sense to the consumers, or are simply light polarised to a certain plane to form of processing. Th e user would immaterial. Cameras like to boast that go through. In this case, each side of just have to hit a few buttons on the Nokia & Deadmau5 they have the highest amount of pixels the glasses will be able to deliver dif- TV remote control to tell the TV how while computers used to tout their “gi- ferent images to the right and left eyes the game consoles splits the screen, ei- gahertz” as their selling point. It seems of the view, allowing the user’s brain ther vertically or horizontally, and the Last week Nokia teamed up with Deadmau5, yet again, to put on an amazing that this phenomena is almost absent to be tricked into having a perception TV will do the rest of the work. light-themed event in London to launch their latest flagship phones. On event in the realm of televisions. of depth. Th is is a very innovative and seem- day it had been exactly 365 days since Nokia originally teamed up with the art- When the rush to 1080p HD-TV ingly very simple application of the ist for the launch of the Nokia Lumia 800 at Millbank. This Editor went along to ended, television manufacturers 3D capabilities of the TV. Th ere are, the unbelievable display of the world’s most advanced LASER technology and rushed to implement 3D imaging in ... a very in- however, some kinks to be worked out banged on about, mostly, how great the phone was! their products, to the chagrin of some fi rst. While I was playing as one of the This time round, for the launch of the Nokia Lumia 820 and 920, Nokia and the delight of others. It seems like players, I could see the silhouette of closed off an entire street by London Bridge and the Shard, rigging everything you cannot sell a TV without having novative and the images for the other player. It was from rubbish bins to window frames with lights. The result, another incredible 3D in it nowadays. Whether consum- like there was a “ghost” image behind light display while Deadmau5 played first on the roof, then cycling past the ers like 3D on their TV or not is ir- seemingly the one I’m seeing. My conjecture is crowd and playing on a moving stage. This Editor, having his contacts, secured relevant – 3D is here to stay. LG has, that this was because my head was two of the 50 free public tickets and I can say with full certainty, the event did however, managed to make the 3D not properly aligned with the plane of not disappoint. capabilities of their TV more useful very simple polarisation of the image intended for You can watch the 4 minute highlights here: http://goo.gl/OvlNM by leveraging the technology behind me, resulting in this eff ect. As the im- the 3D TV itself to allow two images age I saw was upsized from an original to be displayed simultaneously on the application of split screen image, the graphics appear screen. Firstly, let’s take a brief look at stretched and look lower in quality. how 3D works on some of the TVs. the 3D... TV Still, there is potential in making Th e human eye perceives depth in fuller use of the 3D capabilities of the our vision through the slightly diff er- TVs beyond just simply displaying 3D ent images that our left and right eyes images. Th ere could be the possibility receive. 3D TVs takes advantage of this of working with game console makers by making use of a technique known LG makes use of this same tech- in the future to deliver higher fi delity as stereoscopy to create an illusion of nique to deliver two simultaneous images to two diff erent players rath- depth. Th is is why you can “see” im- images over one screen. Two diff erent er than using the current “hackish” ages fl oating out or into the screens “pairs of glasses are each attuned to dif- method of expanding the split screen when you don those 3D glasses. ferent polarisation. Two users wearing images. Th ere could even be the pos- One of the ways to deliver diff erent the diff erent pairs of glasses will thus sibility of screening two fi lms at once images to each eye is to polarise the see diff erent images. Th is was demon- on the same TV screen. light coming out of the screen. A light strated during the Live Gadget Show It is exciting to see companies like source will usually emit light in all the when two players could simultane- LG “think out of the box” by mak- Jason Parmar Technology Editor directions. A polarised light source ously play” a racing game that would ing use of technology meant for one 26 FRIDAY 07 DECEMBER

Food Editors: Carol Ann Cheah, Sophia Goldberg, Yiango FOOD Mavrocostanti [email protected] Christmas Cheatsheet

ow that December is here, we’re actually not bemoaning the fact that all the festive tunes in stores and Christmas delicacies are Carol’s “Not Yo Momma’s” Lemon and Herb Crimbo Chicken too much too soon. In fact, they’re a rather welcome indication Lemon, rosemary and thyme may be an oft-rehashed flavour combination, but stuffing a boiled and pierced lemon into the N that holidays and the festive season are nigh, despite the fact cavity may not be something good ol’ mum may have thought of. The hot steam from the lemon will permeate the bird, slightly most of us will have a bit to slog through in the last week before cooking and flavouring its juices from within. Experiment with other herbs and seasonings! lessons are over. Which can only mean one thing – yummy Christmas dinners Budgens ahead! 1 large chicken (>2kg - note its weight!) Here we’ve provided a bumper guide to planning your own Christmas dinner – Salt and freshly ground black pepper this is chiefl y aimed at those who might not have made a full Christmas meal but 1 large lemon, preferably unwaxed would like to try their hand at it (international freshers who will be stuck in halls 1 whole garlic bulb, broken into cloves this holiday, I’m looking at you!). Th at said, however, we do hope that this guide Handful of fresh thyme will have some new tips and ideas for old hands to consider trying. All in all we Olive oil/butter at Food believe that preparing a hearty, impressive Christmas meal needn’t be Handful of fresh rosemary sprigs, overtly taxing or pricey – you just need a tiny bit of forethought and prep. So go EXTRA: 8 rashers streaky bacon on – fi re up your ovens, pour yourself a glass of mead, and cook away! Serves 4 The Start-Up Prep: 30 mins max // Cook: See chicken You don’t necessarily *need* to have a and classy – think cocktail sausages, Rub chicken all over and inside cavity starter in your menu – but if you do, salmon and cream cheese blinis, (mini) with a decent amount of salt and black please. PLEASE K.I.S.S. (keep it sim- bruschetta, prawn cocktail shots or pepper (freshly ground please, no ple, sexy) so you’re not doing more vegetable crudités (just a fancy way sneeze dust!) If possible do this ahead work than you have to in the kitchen. of saying raw veggie sticks like carrot of time and leave in the fridge – maybe After all, you’ll be spending quite a bit and celery) with dipping sauces. In all in the morning – so the seasoning has all over with olive oil, or softened butter excess fat (save for gravy or to roast of time in there prepping your other essence they’re not tricky to make, ei- time to seep in prior to roasting. if you’re feeling cheeky. Stab hot lemon potatoes with), lay the bacon rashers courses anyway! You should also keep ther; having it presented in such a... Preheat oven to 190°C. Boil up your carefully with a knife about 10 times – over the breast and sprinkle rosemary. it light enough (but still scrumptious) erm, “fun-size” manner just takes it to lemon and garlic – either do this when this will steam and sizzle. Put this in the Roast until time is up and chicken is so that your guests won’t be too stuff ed. a whole new level. you’re boiling water up to blanch to- cavity with the garlic cloves and thyme, cooked. Otherwise, roast for full dura- Th e point of a starter is just to get your If you really want to cheat and go matoes for bruschetta (recipe below then pop on your prepared roasting tray. tion of the cooking time, draining ex- guests’ appetites (for the main) going the store-bought route for sauces and left), or together with your potatoes if Work out how long your total cooking cess fat halfway through if you need it. anyway, not to feed them for the whole some of the cooked canapés, that’s fi ne you tend to parboil them before roast- time will be based on the weight of your Remove from oven, letting meat rest 12 days of Christmas. by us. Some supermarket options have ing/mashing. Once this is nice and hot, bird (see below), making sure to baste a 15-30 minutes. Crumble bacon up if What to serve, though? Popular and been pretty fabby in terms of quality remove lemon and garlic – they’ll be few times during roasting. you used it, and remove garlic and lem- not-too-taxing options include a small over the past few years – justbe sure to slightly soft. If you’re using bacon, roast until 45 on from cavity. Mash up garlic, spread- helping of soup (feel free to look back check the ingredients label for any nas- Take the chicken out of the fridge minutes of your total roasting time re- ing it all over the chicken. Carve at the at Issue 1531 for our guide to soups) ties that you’re not particularly keen on, and pat down with kitchen paper. Rub mains. Take out chicken pour off some table, and dig in! – plus points to you if it’s made with and follow instructions. We won’t tell if pumpkin; keeps the festive theme go- you don’t – well, unless you present us ing! Canapés are just as acceptable with a particularly limp set of crudités... Main Attraction Tradition dictates that the usual meat for need to despair – Yiango, one of our vegan meal. Christmas roasts is a nice plump turkey, own Editors, is vegan herself; and there’s As for omnivores, once you’ve picked Carol’s Banging Tomato and Basil Bruschetta complete with all the trimmings. Tra- nothing wrong to preferring your farm- your meat and seasoning of choice, it’s A simple healthy starter (we do need something to counteract the sinful other dition can also be damned, though; it yard animals celebrating Christmas to- just a matter of doing the prep along courses!) that doesn’t skimp on the flavour. I’ve suggested plum tomatoes as their doesn’t HAVE to be that way – we’re risk- gether around the table (as opposed to with working out how long to pop it in thicker skins make for easier peeling, plus they’re less juicy and seedy (groan!) - ing the wrath of some purists by making being served up). You or your vegan mate the oven for. We’ve prepared a handy- but normal toms work just as well too. (Vegan Friendly) this statement! Th e options you have at don’t have to resort to purely picking at dandy time/temperature guide down Simply Recipes your disposal for roast meats are actu- the sides, or the oft-served option of your there, though some people do like to ally aplenty; if you include fl avour com- mother’s nut roast – good news for those kick-start the roast at a higher tempera- binations e.g. lemon and thyme vs citrus with nut allergies! ture for about 30 minutes so they get a spice, you could cook one roast meat dish Th ink lentil and mushroom shepherd’s crispy crust/skin on their meat. Whatev- every night and have a meat marathon pie, baked risottos, or hearty vegetable er you do, though; make sure after you’ve longer than the 1001 Arabian Nights. pot pies. If you’re preparing a separate cooked your meat that you let it rest for Beef, chicken, lamb, pork – they’re all option for a vegan mate, it’s not that at least half an hour prior to carving – 6-7 ripe plum tomatoes skins. Dice up finely, removing the equally valid choices for roasts. Besides, much extra work and the meal can stay this gives it a chance to reabsorb its juices 2 cloves garlic, minced seeds and juice as you go. Put in bowl some of us with smaller ovens and less just as social as long as you keep your so it stays moist. Neglect that rule and 1 tbsp extra virgin olive oil with minced garlic, extra virgin olive time can’t confi dently fi t a plump turkey sides vegan friendly (sub butter for olive you may just fi nd Sophia or Carol charg- 1 tsp balsamic vinegar oil and vinegar. Mix well, add chopped into them as opposed to a chicken. spread, etc) – all you’re just preparing is a ing at you with the turkey baster or a hot 6-8 fresh basil leaves, chopped (don’t basil plus salt and pepper to taste. Vegetarian or (heavens!) vegan? No separate main, as opposed to a full-blown pair of tongs. sub in dried – doesn’t work the same!) Slice baguette on a diagonal into Salt and pepper to taste roughly 1/2 inch thick slices. Brush one Roasting times and temperatures 1 baguette French bread, or similar side of each slice with olive oil, and Common sense dictates that the heavier/bigger your joint (or bird), the longer you’ll have to cook it for. Below you’ll find a crusty Italian bread lay out on a baking tray oil side down. guide to how hot your oven needs to be depending on your choice of meat, and how long it needs to be in there for. Remember 1/4 cup olive oil for brushing Toast on the top rack for 5-6 minutes that ovens can vary, though; what the dial says may not be the true temperature – so do conduct visual testing too! until the bread starts turning golden Makes 24 small slices brown. Remove and arrange olve oil BEEF: 180C, 25 mins per 450g + extra that the internal temperature of the joint Quick roasting is done at 200C, 20- Prep: 15 mins // Cook: 10 mins (max) side up. Top each slice with the tomato 25mins for medium rare. Common is 75-80C (as opposed to 80-85 for well 30mins per 450g + extra 20 mins. Slow mixure just before serving – or let your roasting cuts these times apply to in- done pork.) To get crackling, score skin roasting is done at 180C, 35 mins per Preheat oven to 230°C, or as high as it guests DIY if you’re that way inclined! clude rib, sirloin, and eye of the rump. until the fat and rub in salt an hour prior 450g + extra 35 mins. will go. Lightly score a cross in the bot- PORK: 180C, 35 mins per 450g-500g to roasting. Roast initially at high heat CHICKEN: 180C, 20 mins per 450g + tom of the tomatoes with a knife, and TRADITIONAL PROTIP – Purists + extra 35 minutes. Generally pork (as high as your oven will allow) for 25 extra 10-20 minutes. If you stuffed the blanch for a minute in some freshly- who make bruschetta tend to toast the should be fully cooked, but if you want minutes, then follow times for pork done cavity, expect to wait longer – NEVER boiled water right from the kettle/ bread without oiling first, then rub- it medium, drop the times here to 30 medium. OVERSTUFF. Juices run clear and thigh stove. Drain, dunk in cold water to bing a cut garlic clove on the top and mins per 450-500g + extra 30 minutes. LAMB: Depends if you’re rushed (quick meat pulls away easily from the bone stop them cooking, and remove the drizzling with oil. Feel free to try! Or just get a food probe and check roasting) or have time (slow roasting). when cooked. FRIDAY 07 DECEMBER 27

Food Editors: Carol Ann Cheah, Sophia Goldberg, Yiango Mavrocostanti FOOD [email protected]

Yiango’s Perfect Roast Potatoes Sophia’s Ho Ho Ho So Simple Sweet Potato Mash These are probably the easiest, quickest and most delicious roast potatoes ever Want something sweet, warming and that tastes great this Christmas? Um no – I’m not talking about that… I’m talking about –perfect for Christmas dinner! (Vegan friendly) a quick and scrumptious sweet potato mash, of course – a great side to beef or just about anything! (Vegan friendly)

pan on medium heat, and when hot, add the chopped garlic. Once the garlic starts to soften add the maple syrup and turn off the heat. Drain the carrots and sweet po- tatoes and place them back into the pan. Add the sauce from the frying pan. Now mash! Add salt and pepper to taste, and serve with a sprinkle of coriander on top.

SOPHIA’S TIPS: 1kg Maris Piper Potatoes pepper. Put the potatoes in a big bowl, 2 medium sweet potatoes equal size. Boil for approximately 10- * If you’re in a rush, cut the carrots 1/3 cup olive oil add the oil mixture and using a spoon 2 medium carrots 15 minutes – if your cubes are bigger, and potatoes up into smaller cubes. 1/4 tsp dried rosemary stir everything to make sure that all 1 garlic clove cook for longer. Keep checking to see They’ll cook quicker this way. 1 clove garlic the potatoes are covered with the oil 2 teaspoons of maple syrup if the carrots and sweet potatoes are * Sweet potatoes can add moisture – Salt and pepper to taste and herbs. 1 tablespoon of olive oil done with a fork: if a fork slides into if your mash is looking a bit too wet, Put a sheet of parchment paper in Sprinkle of fresh coriander them with ease then they are done! leave it in the pan after mashing on Prep: 5-10 mins // Cook: 30 mins a baking tray, place the potatoes on Salt and pepper Don’t worry if the sweet potato is low heat until some of the moisture it and then cover with another sheet done before the carrots – it’s all going evaporates. Keep stirring so it doesn’t Firstly preheat your oven at 200°C. of paper. Fold over the edges a few Serves 4 to be mashed up in a mo. burn at the bottom, though. Peel and wash the potatoes. Leave times to create a pouch and staple so Prep + Cook: 25-30 mins max Meanwhile, peel a garlic clove and * Why not make this recipe your own them as they are or cut them to any that everything is well sealed. Bake for crush with the back of a knife (this will by adding a little extra something? shape you want. Why not try wedges? about 30 minutes or until the potatoes Peel the carrots and sweet potatoes. release all the flavours) before cutting You could dice a red chilli or 2 slices of Chop the garlic and combine it with turn golden brown. Serve on a hot plate Cut them into cubes of approximately into small pieces. Add the olive oil to a bacon, fry until crispy and add on top. the olive oil, rosemary, garlic, salt and to keep them warm and delicious!

them on the boil for ages; it’s nice to days of yore, so there aren’t any ac- feeling a little more cheeky! Alter- have them still looking fresh and col- tual plums in said pudding per se. natively, keep portion sizes for rich Side Stories 10 mins if you cut your spuds up into ourful with a bit of a bite/crunch still Bah humbug. desserts moderate and your guests Just as rice is the de facto carb present golfball-sized pieces. intact. As long as it doesn’t taste raw, On the other end of the spectrum, won’t feel overstuffed anytime soon. in Asian meals (and may be out of place When you’re done, drain, cover the it’s fi ne – and if you need a bit of extra there are the non-fruity alternatives Try out Yiango’s Celebration Cup- as a side with a roast, while we’re at it), pan, and shake them around a bit to help in keeping your boiled broccoli that come in all forms, just wait- cakes below for one such example. spuds are the de facto form of carbo- fl uff up the exterior. Th en coat in oil/ looking green, add a teensy bit of oil to ing to have a festive twist added to All said and done, the last bit of hydrate you’d expect to accompany fat of your choice; some toss them to- the water you boil it in. them. Crème brûlée maestro? Get advice we can offer is to be organ- a Christmas roast (well, if you’re do- gether in the roasting tin that contains adventurous and try infusing cinna- ised. Write lists and timetables ing a meat or nut roast for instance.) the meat halfway through the roasting mon, cardomom, brandy or whiskey down if they’ll help with planning – Mashed, boiled, sautéed – the world’s time, coating it in the oil that’s drained Just Desserts in your cream before you add it to the effort will all be worth it when your oyster. Additionally, they don’t off during the process. Cooking them Wahey, you’re at the home stretch the eggs. the smiles and comments from your have to be normal white potatoes; So- both in the same tin does save you on now! Our good ol’ mate (read: Brit- You’re perfectly at liberty to go mates keep coming in. Even better: phia’s explored the possibility of sweet the washing up! ish tradition) advocates fruity treats for lighter options for dessert – it plan and prep a meal together with potato mash that takes on a bit of a Spuds may be well and all, but how like dense Christmas fruitcake, depends what you’ve picked for the your mates! Th anksgiving twist. about other veggies? Mother certainly mince pies, and the misleadingly- rest of your meal. If you’re after fruit, Finally, we at Food wish you all the We have a few cardinal rules for the would balk at the thought of you not named Christmas plum pudding – you could also take a leaf out of the best with your meal preparations... traditional favourite (roast potatoes) if getting your 5 a day, even if it is the fes- yes, misleading because the Victo- Asian books and opt to serve a fruit as well as a Merry Christmas and a you want them to rival Aunt Bessie’s. tive season! Parsnips, carrots, squash, rians thought it would be clever to kebab platter – perhaps with dip- very Happy New Year. See you next You don’t HAVE to parboil them, as leek and the like roast beautifully (es- use plums to refer to raisins back in ping chocolate on the side for those term! Yiango’s lovely recipe above will indi- sentially, most root veg) – just make cate – it saves you time and energy. But sure you lightly oil and season before if you’re looking to get the lovely, rough you pop them into the oven. crust on the outside with the fl uff y in- Roasting isn’t the only way to do Yiango’s Celebration Cupcakes with Chocolate Ganache terior, then parboiling prior to roasting them, though; boiling/steaming some Sinful only in taste, not in portion size. (Vegan friendly) is defi nitely the way forward. Don’t do broccoli, peas, corn etc. is perfectly ac- it for too long – just enough for the ceptable if the rest of the meal is very 1 1⁄4 cups flour outside to get slightly soft, so about rich and dense. Just be sure to not keep 3⁄4 teaspoon baking powder 1⁄2 teaspoon baking soda Pinch of salt Carol’s Cheerful Mulled Wine 1/3 cup oil Feel free to serve any tipple or beverage of choice during your meal – but if you’re 3⁄4 cup sugar after Christmas in a glass, mulled wine comes up tops along with eggnog. This 1/4 teaspoon almond extract drink would warm even the cockles of Scrooge’s stony heart. (Vegan friendly) 1⁄2 teaspoon strong vanilla extract 1 cup milk (preferably almond) 1 unwaxed orange Peel and juice the orange. Add to a 1 teaspoon white wine vinegar Peel of 1 unwaxed lemon saucepan with lemon peel, sugar and Flaked almonds 150g caster sugar (don’t use anything spices, and add enough wine to just 1⁄4 cup chopped walnuts or else, the flavour is too strong) cover. Heat gently until the sugar dis- hazelnuts 5 cloves solves, stirring occasionally, then bring 5 bruised cardomom pods to the boil and cook until you have a For the ganache: 1 cinnamon stick thick syrup. This helps to bring out the 1⁄4 cup milk (soy for vegans) and set aside for a few minutes. Then Bake in the oven for about 20 min- Pinch of freshly grated nutmeg flavour of the spices through simmer- 120 grams dark chocolate add the oil, sugar and extracts and stir. utes or until they are golden brown. 2 bottles red wine (go for something ing, and prevents all the alcohol from In a bowl mix all the dry ingredients To make the ganache boil the milk fruity and unoaked - and no need to the remaining wine boiling off. Makes 12 and then add the wet ingredients. Stir and then add the chocolate. Stir until break the bank!) Turn the heat down and add the rest until the flour is just dissolved but be all the chocolate has melted. Using a 150ml ginger wine of the wine into the saucepan with the Preheat the oven at 180°C. Line a careful not to overmix. Fold in the al- spatula cover the cupcakes with the ginger wine. Gently heat through, ladle cupcake pan with cupcake cases. In monds. Place the batter in the cupcake ganache and then add some chopped Makes 12 servings up for your guests, and enjoy! a cup mix the milk with the vinegar cases so that 2/3 of each case is full. walnuts on top for decoration. Join us for an evening of A Cappella music for Christmas We’ll sing until our voices are horse! Sat 8th December at 8 in SAF; Tues 11th December at 7.30 in the Read Lecture Theatre 30 FRIDAY 07 DECEMBER

Arts Editors: Eva Rosenthal, ARTS Meredith Thomas [email protected] A Grand-age Breaking a fourth wall

Emilie Beauchamp Writer

If you are a fan of extraordinary theat- rical experiences and still have room on your Christmas gift list, have a look at the world acclaimed show Fuerzabruta He’s got his eye passing by London next on Private Parts January. Th is Argentine-born multi- sensory spectacle, translating literally into ‘brute force’, uses state-of-the-art visual eff ects to create scenes that will blow your mind. Th ink of a man burst- Emilie Beauchamp Writer Fourth, MGC will be performing ing through a series of moving walls for free across London schools and at running speed, or four performers colleges, launching an education frolicking under water in a basin sus- This autumn, a new theatre compa- programme tagged ‘MGC Future’ to pended right on top of the audience… ny has joined the ranks of the pres- introduce young people to theatre. Top it up with a music playlist fi t for tigious London scene: the Michael In the same spirit, for each play the your latest night out in the East, and Why work? Instead, doodle all lecture long and then send us your drawings Grandage Company (MGC). Born company will seek to hire starting you have got the winning mix for a to [email protected]. This evil ocotopus doodle is the brainchild of Umar from the union of two notorieties directors and designers as part of show that, rightly so, has gathered Hossain. of the UK repertoire, artistic direc- a training scheme, giving new stars praise around the globe for its inno- tor Michael Grandage and execu- the chance to shine. If the price tag vation. Th e troop is coming back four tive producer James Bierman, this alone did nothing to convince you, years after its fi rst tour of the UK, new troop has only just revealed its it must surely be good to support a when it was named the biggest and first 15-month season of five plays company that does not perpetuate best show at Edinburgh Fringe 2007, that will be nestled in the heart of the uptight standards that theatres among others. the West End at the Noel Coward often seem to uphold. Tickets are not cheap – ranging be- theatre. Oh, and I almost forgot: the set tween £30 and £40; but it’s a gig scor- There are a few things here that five plays, starting this December, ing in the Cirque du Soleil category. are worth saying about this new all promise to be captivating! I sug- With its cutting-edge moving aerial company and why this is an exciting gest jumping on one – if not all – of imagery technology, Fuerzabruta development. these opportunities within the next promises to be the show you will want First, Michael Grandage has an year: to see in 2013. And who knows when Twelfth Night @ The Apollo, London – Nothing to do with fairies and sprites, award-winning track record from Privates on Parade, on first, fea- it will be showing again at your door- Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night is always a magical play. Mark Rylance, Stephen Fry his previous position as artistic di- tures Simon Russell Beale as drag- step? and the all-male cast give a wonderfully delicate, utterly hilarious performance of rector at the Donmar Warehouse. queen army Captain Dennis in Pe- Running for four weeks from Decem- a play in which every line has deep meaning. Now - February 13 2013. To translate this into a compara- ter Nichols’ comedy, which is set ber 27th at Camden’s Roundhouse – ble figure, Grandage is the theatre against the murderous backdrop of http://www.roundhouse.org.uk. The Young Van Dyck @ El Museo del Prado, Madrid – One of the largest single equivalent of, say, Christopher No- the Malaysian campaign at the end gatherings of Van Dyck’s paintings and drawings, this exhibition shows work that lan: he turns almost every produc- of the Second World War. the artists produced from the age of fifteen (1615-1621). Now - March 3. tion into an acclaimed, fresh, yet Peter and Alice, starting in March, tasteful gem. Second, the season and starring Judi Dench and Ben Body Language @ Centre Culturel Suisse, Paris – With the human body in all its will feature a sensational mix of Whishaw, hypothesizes on the multidimensional glory as the subject, this exhibition presents a recollection of well-established celebrities includ- meeting between Alice Liddell Har- nudity in the photography of both well-known and lesser artists. ing Judi Dench, Daniel Radcliffe and greaves and Peter Llewelyn Davies Jude Law, as much as new up-and- – the two children who inspired Calabash Club @ Calabash Club, Berlin – This venue doubles as a club, but, run by coming actors like Sam Swainsbury. Caroll and Barrie to respectively a Berlin arts collectIve, it also has a cinema, a theatre, and a gallery. Sure to have Third, in order to appeal to a wide write Alice in Wonderland and Pe- something suitably independent running! mass of cosmopolites, MGC is of- ter Pan. fering no less than 100,000 tick- The final play of the (school) year, George Wylie retrospective @ Mitchell Library, Glasgow – This exhibition, explores ets for £10 only across its season. The Cripple Of Inishmaan begins in a back catalogue of work from a famed artist known for his humourous stunts. In- That’s 200 out of the 950 seats of June. Have you ever wondered how cludes some unseen works. Now – February 2. the venue for a tenner for each per- Daniel Radcliffe would fare without formance. With such a renowned a wand and a sizzling scar? Look track record, why would MGC be no further. He will be taking on the Nobuyoshi Araki taking such a cut? Primarily to send lead role for this play: a young disa- at Body Language a clear message about what it wants bled man living on a remote island to be known for: the new kid on the on the West Coast of Ireland set to block whose every play will make become a movie star when a Holly- it on your must-see list. Aiming to wood production comes to shoot on complement the seasons of the likes an island nearby. of the National Theatre, the Almei- da and the Old Vic, MGC’s policy For more information on how to ob- opens the door to younger theatre- tain one of those £10 tickets go to Movember is over, goers and students while still prom- http://www.michaelgrandagecom- I must shave now! ising high quality productions. pany.com FRIDAY 07 DECEMBER 31

Arts Editors: Eva Rosenthal, Meredith Thomas ARTS [email protected] Dealing with Trust issues Catherine Ashmore Fred Fyles Writer Devon, and the National Trust, who want to open it to the public. Both of these options would allow Doro- At what point does someone be- thy to carry on living in the house, come a national treasure? This is but she does not want the house to the question Alan Bennett must change. All she really wants is run- have been asking himself when writ- ning water and privacy. ing People, his latest play, which Frances de la Tour shines as Doro- premiered at the National Theatre thy, portraying a woman who is try- last month. Bennett, who has been ing to hold on to her dignity, but is working in the world of theatre for completely powerless. Put under more than 50 years, is Britain’s most pressure by ‘The Concern’, ‘The well known playwright, and arguably Trust’, and her nagging sister, a dea- one of the best. Responsible for The con in the Church of England, Dor- History Boys and The Habit of Art, othy tries to hang on to her slowly Bennett has come to represent mod- crumbing house with all her might. ern British drama; People continues When asked by Mr Lumsden, a rep- in this tradition, centring around the resentative of the Trust, whether idea of national institutions, class she wants the house to progress or divides, and the death of the English not, she simply replies that ‘decay country house. is a form of progress’. Much of the People’s plot centres around a play is focussed on the idea of trying large mansion, located near where to hang on to the past, warning of a Bennett grew up, in South York- near-future where the stately home shire. The house is unmanageable, has simply become a pastiche of a The pain of expensive to run, and inhabited by a bygone age. Gothic piles... pair of old women, Dorothy and Iris In the work, Bennett delivers an (played by Frances de la Tour and acerbic attack upon UK institutions; Linda Bassett respectively), who are the Church, and the middle classes slowly atrophying in the large draw- get hit pretty heavily, but it is the ing room. Dorothy does not want National Trust that received the to get rid of the house, but realises brunt of the criticism. It is portrayed horrifies Bennett, who closes the misery to Dorothy. a damn good one too. The set and that it is inevitable if she is to sur- as a multi-armed monster, grabbing play with the line ‘let what is gone be While Bennett’s witty attacks lighting are excellent, as is to be vive. She has a number of options; at any buildings which may be in gone, and not fetched back’. Bennett against institutions are convincing, expected from the National Thea- a cinema company want to use it to the public interest, and delivering is describing a world where ‘Britain one must take them with a pinch of tre, and Nicholas Hynter’s sublime shoot a pornographic film, there has a tacky, artificial representation of is at a standstill’, obsessed with the salt; after all, Bennett himself is an direction helps elevate what would been interest from a group of Japa- history. In one memorable scene Mr past, and unable to move forward. institution of British theatre, and be a light comedy into a real work nese businessmen, and others wish Lumsden talks about how the trust The Trust, for Bennett at least, also having lived in North London for of art. While Bennett may be trying to turn it into a golf course, but at is planning on acquiring the Maze represents its target market: the the last few decades, he may have to escape becoming a national treas- the centre of the struggle there are Prison in Northern Ireland and rec- middle classes, who are described more in common with the middle ure, this work does not do him any two major players. There is a group reating the ‘dirty protest’ staged by as ‘the shockable ones’. The idea class than he cares to admit. But favours; if anything it simply further of investors, dubbed ‘The Concern’, IRA prisoners during the Troubles. of swathes of middle class parents People should not be taken too se- entrenches his role as king of British who want to move the building to This treatment of the past clearly wandering through the house brings riously; it is after all a comedy, and theatre. Minotaurs and major excursions

Meredith Thomas Arts Editor I am nervous about revealing too Audience participation normally much about the show. So much of its fi lls me with dread. Too often it can eff ectiveness relied on surprise, mis- seem contrived and actually serves as Th e Architect is Shunt’s fi rst produc- direction and disorientation, done a barrier to an immersive experience. tion in three years and it was well with such fi nesse that the audience are Th e the cast managed it perfectly. worth the wait. Shunt is an unusual hardly aware. Th ere is a fear that what- Th is was probably because, despite collective centred round an experi- ever I tell you would subtract from the scale of the venture, the set being mental theatre company. Th e group your enjoyment should you choose, several times the size of their last show have had a presence around East Lon- and I recommend that you do, to get Money, the entire enterprise retains a don for years. Some readers might tickets. Nevertheless, I have a job to playful, amateurish feel. just remember the astonishing club do so here goes. I have mentioned the scale, and it is they ran in the tunnels under Lon- Th e Architect was wilfully and con- astounding. One of the inspirations don Bridge station of the same name. sistently bizarre. Th e entire perfor- for the show was Jorge Luis Borges’ denly in the dining hall of a cruise ship erences to the credit crunch and the It was amazing folks; the only dance mance incorporated live music, in- short story Th e House of Asterion, (complete with bar) where much of European debt crisis as well as other fl oor I have ever graced where one of stallation, aerial performers, acting, which is itself based upon the leg- the action takes place. classical sources. Th e show may be the major dangers was drunk rickshaw comedy and a good amount of drink- end of the Minotaur. To refl ect this, Th e true genius of the show is caught silly and occasionally obscene, but it is drivers. Th e core work of Shunt how- ing, all from a cast of barely ten. I was you enter the venue through a claus- in glimpses amongst the madness and most certainly not unintelligent. ever has always been theatre and so, shocked, terrifi ed, bewildered and trophobic plywood labyrinth. Th e by picking apart the allegory in the A large part of my brain will be dedi- as I traipsed my way into the wilds of amused in turn due to an atmosphere space is genuinely hard to navigate, narrative. Odd thematic motifs recur cated to going over my own interpre- Bermondsey to their new hideout in and sense of spectacle that were per- fi lled with bizarre items. After some and interact with varying degrees of tations of the performance for some an abandoned biscuit factory, I was fectly engineered on an astonishing struggle you reach as door and pass- symbolic opacity. In addition to the time to come. Do not go if you are more than a little excited. scale. ing through, fi nd yourself, quite sud- a Minotaur myth, there are clear ref- afraid of the dark, or cows. 32 FRIDAY 07 DECEMBER

Television Editor: Lucia Podhorska TELEVISION [email protected] Models bring sexy back Maya Kaushik interviews Anita from Britain and Ireland’s Next Top Model

his summer, cycle 8 of from the show and still see the ones Britain and Ireland’s that live in and around London. Lisa Next Top Model aired and I still keep in contact Skyping T on Sky Living, fea- regularly! I’m in the process of trying turing many exciting to persuade her to move to England! challenges and photo shoots, includ- The dark horse of the competition ing a shoot with tarantulas, walking MK: Who was your favourite and on CN tower, and posing with na- least favourite judge on the show ked male models. During the series, and why? twenty contestants were whittled down to one winner. Anita Kaushik AK: I think my favourite judge had to was the contestant labelled as the be Tyson. He was always really sup- dark horse of the competition, start- portive of me and seemed to have my ing off weakly but improving rapidly back right from the start even when every week, gaining approval from the other judges might have not be- the judges, and fi nally reaching the lieved in me. I really liked Julien as fi nal episode, coming third place. I well; he always put a smile on my spoke to Anita to fi nd out her views face. I wouldn’t say I disliked any of on the competition, modelling and the judges because they all brought the fashion world. something diff erent to the panel, but I think out of all of them I had the Maya Kaushik: Hi Anita. How has least support from Whitney. Not that it been for you, going from being she didn’t like me, I just think she was relatively unknown to being viewed indiff erent as to whether I was in the by many people from their living competition or not. rooms every Monday night? MK: Would you say you have a Anita Kaushik: Hi! It’s been absolute- particular fashion style, and what ly crazy, from just being a girl from made you choose it? Southampton that no one knows to AK: Th e best piece of advice that Elle fi dent and for people to not want to know what my schedule is week to getting recognised in Tesco’s and on AK: I wouldn’t say I have a particular told one of the other girls was to al- give you a chance. week so it never gets boring! I think nights out and people wanting pic- style but I like to think I keep up with ways believe in yourself. If you went the worst aspect is there is a lot of tures! I love it though, shows how fashion styles. I sometimes wish I was up to them in the elimination room MK: What would you say are the rejection. People who aren’t sure of dedicated the fans of the show are a bit more adventurous with trying looking defeated then the judges had best and worst aspects of the mod- themselves and take criticism to heart and if it wasn’t for them I’d have no out diff erent styles but I will always really no reason to keep you in the elling and fashion industries? shouldn’t be in the industry because support! make an eff ort because it makes me competition. And if you say you don’t you will always face it. But then you feel good when I think I look good! like your picture, how can you expect AK: Th e best thing is you never know just have to think, even Kate, Giselle MK: How much contact have you anyone else to like it? So the best tip where you’re going to be and what and Adriana would have come across had with the other BINTM contest- MK: To any aspiring models out I can give is to always be confi dent, you’re going to be doing in the future. some kind of rejection in their life! ants since the show? there, have you learnt any tips in because in this industry it’s better to Th is industry is so diff erent to any- And even though there is rejection, modelling technique that could be over-confi dent and for people to thing else and I love the fact that now when you get jobs and people request AK: I still speak to most of the girls come in handy? believe in you than to be under-con- that I’m full time modelling, I never you for jobs it’s the best feeling! My Top 5 Episodes of the Week

Lucia Podhorska Television Editor 1. The Big Bang Theory, Season 6 Episode 9, “The Parking Space Escalation” Th e end of term is nearly here and with it my last Top 5 Episodes feature 2. The New Normal, Season 1 Episode 10, “The XY of the year. Th is week saw a return to the old favourites, making me realize Factor” that I really need to start watching some new shows. 3. How I Met Your Mother, Season 8 Episode 9, “Lob- Next term, look out for reviews ster Crawl” on Dexter, South Park, Fringe, Twin Peaks, Grey’s Anatomy and many 4. The Vampire Diaries, Season 4 Episode 7, “My more, as we can also look forward to Brother’s Keeper” the new season of Game of Th rones, Girls and True Blood on HBO. Have 5. Grey’s Anatomy, Season 9 Episode 7, “I Was Made a great holiday, watch lots of TV and For Lovin You” let everyone know what you liked or Different is The New Normal disliked! FRIDAY 07 DECEMBER 33

Television Editor: Lucia Podhorska [email protected] TELEVISION A Glee-ful Screamfest Astrid Armgarth gives American Horror Story: Asylum a raving review

ately, the horror genre tour that passes by on a daily basis to has experienced a surge revel in the unfortunate fates of past of interest with TV-se- residents. Th e halls are crawling with L ries such as Th e Walking both murder victims (a gay couple, Dead and my personal nurses and creepy children) and mur- favourite American Horror Story. Th e derers (a high-school shooter, a doctor latter is truly a breath of fresh air in and a dentist). Meanwhile, the family your weekly TV-schedule and the end is on the brink of destruction, with of its second season is approaching serious neglect of their suicidal teen- fast! Th is show has received high ap- age daughter and a marriage cracking praisal by many TV – critics thanks to at the seams by adultery. As puzzle its high originality and accredited cast. pieces slowly fall into place the view- Personally, I am mostly impressed by ers become increasingly attached to how it manages to transform gory, the living as well as the dead. suspenseful and physiological horror Th e second season brings on a new into rather cheerful entertainment. theme of horror that takes place in an But considering this show is brought insane asylum (Briarcliff ) in the 1960s. to you by the co-creators of Glee, the Th is institution is run by iron fi sts of gleeful twist is perhaps not too sur- a nun (Sister Jude) that carries a past prising after all. Don’t worry though, of alcoholism and tragedy. And as they this TV-series is completely free from say: bad habits die hard, and people happy tunes and annoying teenagers from the ward seem to be dropping played by 28+ year old actors. like fl ies. Many of these deaths are Th e fi rst season sets off as a family of attributed to the asylum’s experimen- three moves into a wonderful chateau tal medic Dr. Arden who transforms in sunny California. Th ey were at least these poor souls into deformed crea- notifi ed that the house has a murder- tures. I should probably mention that ous past but little did they know that it he also used to serve as an SS offi cer also has dozens of otherworldly dwell- back in the day. By his side is the gul- ers... or that occupiers rarely make it lible and loyal Sister Mary Eunice who out alive or out of this world. One epi- becomes possessed by the devil half- sode at a time, the history of the house way through the season. In addition, unravels and you begin to understand one of the inmates has been commit- why this haunted building has become ted on the basis of false murder ac- the major attraction of a murder bus cusations, while the real ‘bloody face’

So much drama in the workplace...

killer is still on the loose. Th is nick- ing supporting role as the nosy next- wrongly accused asylum inmate Kit. name was picked up from his passion door neighbour Constance in season Th ere are no other horror shows that for carving off the faces of his victims one. Her portrayal of the drunkard can match the acting performances, to wear them as masks (or make pretty Sister Jude this season is on par with depth of characters and intricate plots lamp-shades). her previous performance, so who in American Horror Story. I cannot Yes, the second season does sound knows what prizes await her? Zach- wait to unravel the remaining myster- drastically wackier than the fi rst (and ary Quinto is constantly associated ies of season two. I heard rumours that I did not even mention the aliens). But with psychopathic tendencies ever Briarcliff gets an especially festive visit regardless of its extreme oddities the since his brilliant enactment of mass by a Santa dressed killer, so see the amazing cast makes it virtually im- murderer Sylar on Heroes. But, im- show to get in the Christmas spirit! possible to stop watching this show. pressively, he shows no signs of incli- Some actors are re-occurring in both nation towards evil in the fi rst season, seasons due to their phenomenal per- where he plays the role of the kind and Interested in writing for formances. Th e fact that they are por- slightly depressed, gay ghost Chad. In traying completely diff erent roles in this season he portrays a psychologist, the two seasons strengthens the proof Dr. Th readson, who happens to have of their theatrical aptitude. severe deep-rooted mummy issues. Th e top three cast members to Evan Peters’ performance in the fi rst keep an eye on include: Jessica Lange, season is excellent as a high-school Send your reviews to : Zachary Quinto aka Heroes’ Sylar and shooter (Tate) who falls in love with [email protected] Evan ‘Kickass’ Peters. Jessica Lange the suicidal daughter. He continues won an Emmy award for her outstand- to do a good job in this season as the 34 FRIDAY 07 DECEMBER

Music Editors: Mark England, MUSIC Ross Gray, Simon Hunter [email protected] Neurosis in conversation Riaz Agahi talks to Scott Kelly about Neurosis and his solo work

One of the most infl uential bands out not, we’ll see. We’re just kind of start- ate more extreme dynamics within our there, progressive sludge outfi t Neu- ing at zero and seeing what it brings sound, just basically get better at what rosis have left their mark on the metal us and it actually was good to get out we do. Th e recording process itself was scene and anyone who’s seen their live and do it. the same as we’ve had for the past 5 re- performance. After seeing an impres- RA: Do you feel that your solo pro- cords with Steve Albini in his studio. sive show of theirs at ATP, I was able to ject is a way of catharsis for another Same time frame, same place, same speak to Scott Kelly of Neurosis about aspect of your personality? engineer. Th at’s remained the same Neurosis’ decision to remove visuals SK: It is for sure. It’s something that’s and probably will for a while. Th at’s from their live set, his solo project and kind of developed over the years as I’ve something that really works for us. the post metal scene. been working on it. For me, music or RA: With Neurosis, you write lyrics RA: Th e most striking question I any kind of creative process is an act that are primal yet inward looking and He’s way less intimidating on the phone think is about the changes to your live of submitting to whatever will become deep, what process do you go through set. What led you to think it was time of the songs and you don’t really try to writing them? for a change? guide them as much as you let them SK: It’s pretty much open to your SK: It was a mutual thing and we just guide you. So I don’t really question interpretation. We’re defi nitely not reached a point where we didn’t feel the lyrical content. I question more the sitting down with a message or a vi- inspired to have visuals anymore, and melody and the sound of things. Th e sion for what the lyrics should con- because I’ve heard this sound in my SK: Such is the way of the human be- Josh really didn’t feel like doing them acoustic music just tends to bring this tain or what we should be imparting head of what the lyrics should sound ing and who knows what these artists anymore, he didn’t want to be a pro- whole other aspect of who I am and to people. We just trust the spirit of like and the cadence and the rhythm will grow up to be some day? Typically jectionist. I think he wants to focus on my experience to light. the whole thing, we just believe that and the melody. your fi rst eff ort is not your best. If we his band. RA: Was there any change of ap- the words that should be there will be RA: How do you view the post-met- were to be judged on the bands we We wanted to do something diff er- proach with Honor Found In Decay? there. al/metalgaze that came as a result of were doing when we were kids people ent, we wanted to take it back to where SK: Not really, we always look to let Typically, it starts off with a tone you guys and to some extent Isis? wouldn’t give a shit whatsoever. My we were 20 years ago and just revisit the music write itself. I think that we or melody of sorts where I’ll hear the SK: Just like any other kind of music, fi rst band sounded like Discharge and the whole idea. I’m not sure whether were focusing on our dynamics quite words or what they should sound like some of it I like and most of it I don’t my second band sounded like D.R.I. we’re gonna go back to doing visuals or a lot on this record and trying to cre- and then just decipher it and then I like. Some bands do it very well and Not very inspiring to anyone. It took just go through that process a num- some of it’s very emotionally honest a lot of time and work and rethinking ber of times until I feel it’s at the point and intense and most of it just weak. the process and happening to connect where they should be. Th at’s basically Th at’s the way with most music or art with the right guys at the right time it; it takes as long as it takes. I write or whatever. Th at’s just my two cents in the right place. All sorts of things AMS album of the week words all the time but not in that way. on it. come into play. Sometimes I’ll just sit down and words RA: It seemed to me that many will just come out of the pen and bands were somewhat imitating it Scott Kelly is currently touring Eu- sometimes they work. But typically it’s without adding much rope with his acoustic solo project. Everything Everything had a lot to do to impress me with new album Arc, out January 2013. As an intrigued listener, I tried to get into them but found I really couldn’t stand them whatsoever. After listening to Arc, I’m not quite sure where I stand. Leading single ‘Cough Cough’ is a Competition Time! powerhouse of percussion and jittery synthesiser; the perfect song to reap- pear with after a two year hiatus. After Win tickets to see Craig listening to this album opener, I was be- ginning to doubt my initial cynicism. Next up is ‘Kemosabe’, which I found even more impressive in melody and structure. The song constantly changes Charles at the Bloomsbury its direction, getting better at each turn – so much so that I was even close to “liking” Everything Everything’s Facebook page. And then something hap- Lanes on 15th December. pens. Arc stops being as brilliant as the first two songs would suggest. Next song ‘Torso of the Week’ is bizarre in a way that I feel Everything Eve- To be in with a shout of seeing Craig rything does best, but not in a good way. Named after a column in Heat mag- Charles at the launch of his Funk & Soul azine, the song is uninteresting musically and tries too hard with its quirky lyrical content. ‘Choice Mountain’ starts off very promising with some lovely Club CD as well as a copy of the staccato guitars, all going to waste as the song ends up dragging on. release, answer this question: The back end of the album features the only other songs to tickle my fancy on Arc, with everything in between boring the shit out of me. ‘Radiant’ is a triumph of glittery guitars, while ‘Don’t Try’ is as nice and catchy as you’d expect, without Everything Everything’s trademark silliness. From which north-west town Out of all the indie bands with an electronic leaning, I feel Friendly Fires does Craig hail? and Dutch Uncles do a better job than Everything Everything- the former also with an album out in January. Judging by the success of the first single, I don’t doubt that Arc will do very well in the charts. If you enjoyed their 2010 Send us your answers by the debut Man Alive, chances are you’re not already irritated by Everything Eve- rything so you’ll probably enjoy Arc too. 10 December 2012 Yasmin Malik FRIDAY 07 DECEMBER 35

Music Editors: Mark England, Ross Gray, Simon Hunter MUSIC [email protected]

Electro-Swing at KOKO Oui Love Sanchit Sharma Writer Lily Le Writer

November 21st, was an important day As part of the UK tour, the promotion- for British fans of the electro-swing al platform for popular French music band Caravan Palace. Th ey held their French stereotype stopped off in a tiny room of a Dalston fi rst ever concert in the UK – which pub for their London date. took place not too far from Imperial First up was Yan Wagner, a hand- College, in the Camden KOKO venue. some young Frenchie with a recently Caravan Palace started off in France reached #11 in the French album charts, fl oor to dance properly, so a lot of peo- released debut album; slightly reminis- with three members – Vial, Payen, and and the success kept on coming. Th eir ple ended up moshing. Th at was quite cent of acts such as Jimmy Edgar. Be- Delaporte – who were originally hired latest album, Panic, was released in the unexpected, and at fi rst I thought this ing solo, it was diffi cult to be animated to produce a soundtrack for silent porn UK just two days before the concert – wasn’t justifi ed for a swing concert. But while trying to press buttons, sing, fi lms. Th ey formed a group and a year on the 19th November 2012. Whilst when listening to swing as good as that and charm the crowd which probably later met a music producer who booked many people prefer the fi rst album, this from Caravan Palace, you really can’t accounted for some of the awkward them for a series of gigs. At this point, is still defi nitely worth listening to. help but move to the beat in some way, and unsure dancing. Being the fi rst they decided that they needed more Upon my arrival at the concert there and this was the simplest method avail- up is never so easy. However, it prob- band members, and found the rest with were few others there, although many able to most. ably can’t be refuted that his whispers MySpace. people trying to buy spare tickets out- Unfortunately, there were problems of “looovesick…all week” produced a sadly their set had to come to an end. Caravan Palace defi ne themselves as side as it had been sold out for months. with one song in particular, ‘Je M’amuse’, tingly warm feeling deep, deep, deep Juveniles fi nished off the evening an electro-swing band. Th e most com- By the time the support band (Swing- which has backing vocals but no lead down which may have also accounted with their electro-oriented indie-pop. mon type of electro-swing band is a rowers) were on stage, the place was singer. Th e band decided not to sing for the awkward and unsure dancing. Classifi able more along the lines of small group of two to four members; packed – there was barely space to move the backing vocals and instead had the Although not an overly-impressive act, Housse de Racket and Is Tropical, one of which is a singer and one laptop on the dance fl oor. audience sing it, but as this was played Wagner’s set was nonetheless enjoy- these Kitsuné protégés were more for musician who deals with loops and pre- And after an enjoyable set by Swing- quite early on people were not so happy able. watching and less for dancing. Th eir set recorded sounds. Caravan Palace are rowers that did a good job of getting the to join in. As a result, the song felt quite Following were groove and funk- was slightly disappointing compared to diff erent in that most of what they play crowd in the mood, we had to endure incomplete. saturated Jupiter. Th eir joking around the eagerness that Jupiter managed to is live – aside from the base two mem- 15 minutes of waiting before Caravan One other thing that caused some and crowd banter managed to get rile up in the crowd, and they stuck out bers, they have an additional fi ve playing Palace (bear in mind that at this point, people problems, including the friend everyone excited and up for, again, a little on the line up compared to their live instruments (violin, clarinet, guitar, myself and some others had been here that I went with, was the overuse of awkward and unsure dancing – there more electro-heavy predecessors of bass, trombone and even a vibraphone), for over 2 ½ hours) themselves came strobe lighting, though it did make the seems to be a pattern re-emerging here. the night. Unless you are 15 or able to and feature a stronger jazz infl uence on – but when they did the excitement dances look more impressive. Th e highlight of the set was French maintain love for all things indie-pop than some bands – certainly as com- coming from the crowd was amazing. Overall, I have to say that the concert beauty Amélie who pranced around for more than fi ve years, Juveniles may pared to Swingrowers or Bastardos We were treated to some great scat went by much too quickly. Th ere was a in a pretty pink skirt and demonstrated not be the band for everyone. However, Brothers (who played at last years sum- from Hugues Payen, the violinist, in ad- mix of songs from both albums and the how to dance without showing signs of their ending on most accessible track mer ball). dition to the amazing voice of Zoé Colo- atmosphere was powerful indeed. By awkwardness. Her vocals, accented by ‘We Are Young’ in which deep vocals Th ey toured France for about a year tis and of course, I must mention the vi- the end I was left wondering where the Parisian tones when crooning “I need are contrasted against synth (yes, we’ve before recording for their fi rst album, braphone solo that Paul-Marie Barbier time had gone, but very glad I’d spent it a boogieman”, were equally as charm- all heard those Joy division compari- called Caravan Palace too, which was treated us to early on. As it turned out, there. ing. However, there is only so much sons thank you) was the highlight of released near the end of 2008. Th ey there wasn’t nearly enough space on the of French disco that one can take, and the set. Get Katatonic with Dead End Kings Jemma Pilcher Writer sound has developed into a distinct or not we positively turn our lives mixture of prog and melody, with around, and achieve all that we want Whenever I am asked which my a sophisticated hint of gothic key- to, and become happy…our death is favourite Katatonia album is, my boards and orchestration. Th e songs still inevitable. (Cheerful stuff !) standard response is to stare pensive- are defi nitely catchy and the overall “One of these days ly into the distance for a moment and execution is fl awless, making this al- Hours pass yet the night stays then simply reply ‘every Katatonia bum very accessible, especially (I im- When your spirit won’t turn anew album’. And now their ninth studio agine) for new Katatonia listeners. Th e world shuts down with no album Dead End Kings has entered A constant feeling of emptiness goodbye to undo you.” the equation... my answer remains and longing is exposed throughout Th e album artwork is as beautiful the same. the album. Th is desolation is gravi- and bleak as the music itself. Again, Since their humble beginnings in tated by the eloquence of the lyrics; harking back to earlier days of Brave Stereotypically metal cover 1991, Katatonia’s music has constant- most notably in the exquisitely bleak Murder Day, the image of the dead ly evolved, whilst maintaining a con- song, ‘Th e One You Are Looking For bird is used. Th is bad omen reiter- sistent, uncompromising quality and Is Not Here ft. Silje Wergeland’. Th e ates the foreboding sense presented abiding faithful to their melancholy increased abstraction and surrealism in the songs. Th is surreal, rural meets concept. Th is latest masterpiece of of the lyrics is an obvious change in urban, landscape perhaps depicts sumptuous, searching songs is cer- this album, focusing more on pure their Dead End as a physical place; tainly a far cry from their early doom/ emotion and less on storytelling. an icy white scene that has become death days as a Swedish duo, taking Every song appears to simply linger, blackened with pollution and a back- released earlier on this year, and Ju- side of December’s deathbed! Come the underground by storm. Yet, their until it fades into its successor. By far drop that is reminiscent of the Alfred nius, an art rock band from Boston. meet us at the chosen dead ends of darkness persists. the most sobering song on this album Hitchcock fi lm. I defi nitely urge anyone who is partial Europe...” I was totally captivated by this al- is ‘Undo You’; written by the only Th is Monday, 10th December, Kata- to doom and gloom to attend, as this So, what should we expect next bum within the fi rst couple of seconds other original band member, lead tonia return to London as part of their is a line up not to be missed! from the doom quintet? Will they of the opening track, ‘Th e Parting’. guitarist Anders Nyström. It harks highly anticipated European Tour. Anders Nyström comments – ever return to the death days of old Th e cellos add an air of vulnerability back to their 1995 EP For Funerals To Th ey will be performing alongside “We are very much looking forward or continue to diverge down the prog and solemnity, which perfectly com- Come. Th is track portrays the popu- the French shoegazing, concept band to a tour that defi nitely stands out route? Or perhaps they really have plements Jonas Renkse’s heartfelt lar theme, amongst Katatonia songs, Alcest, off the back of their exquisite from the rest. Stare into November’s become stuck in a Dead End... I sin- and powerful, clean vocal style. Th eir of our inescapable doom; whether third album Les Voyages de L’Âme, darkness with us! Be with us at the cerely doubt it. 36 FRIDAY 07 DECEMBER

Music Editors: Mark England, MUSIC Ross Gray, Simon Hunter [email protected] Fear of Fiction Festival Lily Le heads west, clinging to the festival dream

Th e only magazine to focus on Bris- fun contrast to the previous bands’ more main attraction that drew us to the the pile. However, even if the aesthetics played in a very poor way. Many bands tol’s music scene threw a giant street conserved playlists. What was really en- festival. Although they played in one of their sound are not obviously unique, are the same, and many artists need to party before winter started to settle in joyable was that their aural tantrum was of those annoying venues where it’s so the eff ect of their music is underrated learn that playing unenthusiastically and thwart all endeavours of extending refi ned by a melodious, charming angle; cold that you have to keep your coat on and yet unparalleled by such acts as the does not equate to being cool. Th ey are the festival season. Of course, Felix was and the singer stood in the middle of the and it’s too uncomfortable to drink any- above; demonstrated by their closing a band that have potential, and whom invited. Set along Stokes Croft - which dancefl oor for a whole track (plenty of thing except hot chocolate, this didn’t at piece ‘Humble Bones’, which somehow I would see again in the hope that they could be deemed a mini ‘Hoxditch’ of time for unavoidable touching). all ruin the experience of watching this manages to recreate that excited but would get their act together and actually Bristol - bars, cafés, and cinemas show- interesting new two-piece. Kicking off intimidating feeling which drowns you play well. cased exciting up-and-coming artists. with their most, understatedly, erotic around the people you fancy in a non- Oliver Wilde, cheesy dance fl oor track. Fear of Fiction festival is a new festi- the Cube Cinema val held in Bristol highlighting the best DZ Deathrays, in new, undiscovered music. Organised Motorcycle Showrooms Hidden amongst a housing es- TOY, by the labels, magazines and shops that tate, the Cube Cinema was a cute Motorcycle Showrooms make the Bristol music scene tick, there’s No, I don’t know what DZ stands for, little venue well-suited to the cute no better way into the local scene. and frankly I don’t really care. Watch- little sounds of Oliver Wilde. A TOY was defi nitely the least im- ing the music video to Th e Mess Up groovy (hate to use that word, but pressive band of all the ones we in which the two members consume a it was actually groovy) bass accom- managed to catch at the festival. In bottle of Jeigermeister in three minutes, panied a drummer with a Darwin this case their aural tan- was enough to persuade me to go and Deez-like Movember, violin player, trum was not refi ned by catch them. Although not the biggest and soft distorted vocals to recre- Labyrinth Ear anything except a very fan of any kind of remotely guitar-heavy ate what music would sound like if whiney and painful key- music, the Deathrays’ set was surpris- it had been channelled through an board which seemed to ingly very enjoyable. Full of energy, aural Instagram app before being chan- track and personal favourite ‘Amber’ be played by bashing the keys noise, sweat and crowdsurfi ng, it was a nelled through your ears. Th eir softened was enough to turn a fi ve person audi- and then holding the chords Britpop sound was a sweet ence into a three-quarters full dance for minutes on end. What- way to start off the festival, fl oor. Not even the extreme shyness ever the singer was trying to but the repeated camera roll of the endearing elfi n-like singer who get out of his mouth was not of a girl prancing up and seemed to refuse to look at anything ex- audible, and their lack of au- down a green hill behind cept the fl oor or her fellow band mem- dience engagement was not Nothing says ‘culture’ like graffiti and decay them got annoyingly labori- ber could disturb the crowd’s level of at all endearing as was the ous after a few songs. engagement. It is a shame that they have case for Labyrinth Ear. Th eir come onto the scene amongst a burst of just-yanked-out of the seventies look male/female electronic acts of the mo- was not going for them. Th e whole thing Labyrinth Ear, ment, being overshadowed by artists was a shambles. Nevertheless, there was Lakota such as Crystal Castles, the XX, and something charming about their set: DZ Deathrays Purity Ring; it is understandable why probably the knowledge that their stu- Labyrinth Ear was the they may be dismissed and tossed onto dio recordings are decent but were just DIIV in The Garage Padraic Calpin Writer

Zachary Cole Smith is the guitarist for to the (vastly inferior) Vaccines. Th is Parakeet, who out the riff s in a way that was impres- lo-fi surf rock outfi t Beach Fossils, quick dash around the country includ- fi t with the sive but utterly unexpected. Th e front whose band-members are currently off ed one brief stop in London, a sell-out slow-burning of the crowd went mad, but I was left pursuing their own side-projects. For headline date at the Relentless Garage grunge/garage- bemused. Smith, his eff orts have coalesced into in Islington. rock revival And they continued in this way for DIIV (said ‘Dive’), with the debut al- Support came in the form of Al- that I can’t re- the rest of the show, playing every bum Oshin coming out earlier this year. dous R.H, in fact another side-project ally get into. song at twice the tempo and throw- From these names, you get no points fronted by Manchester native Alex But if Al- ing in solos and jams that warped the for guessing that DIIV’s music is still Hewitt of Egyptian Hip Hop fame. dous seemed aesthetic completely. Th e tracks were very much awash with that seaside A heady mix of psychedelic guitars to have drawn familiar, and every now and then an sound, but the album also includes and delay-soaked vocals, their sound a good crowd, oasis of calm seemed to form as a fa- some more sophisticated guitar play- swung from sounding like Tame Im- it was noth- Stereotype indie miliar melody took hold, only to be ing and elements of shoegaze and pala slowed down to getting lost in ing compared interrupted but an inexplicable fl urry psychedelia. Described as “one part a droney cover of an Arthur Russell to the turn-out of notes. It was all frantic, more dude THC, two parts MDMA”, Oshin was a song that left the crowd somewhat for DIIV them- rock than shoegaze. Escaping to the gorgeous, dreamy debut record, a defi - disorientated. Th ough I’d been tipped selves; the ven- back of the room for fear of melting nite soundtrack to my summer. about them before, their set was pleas- ue was packed and looking around at the crowd, it Conversely, they decided to bring the antly surprising; it says a lot that they almost wall to wall and quickly became the soothing melodies of album open- seemed I wasn’t the only one who’d tour to the UK as winter began to sink managed to pull quite a crowd away uncomfortably hot, and this wasn’t er ‘Druun’, Smith and his bandmates be caught off -guard; DIIV were tech- in around us, playing a smattering of from the bars. Sadly, the same couldn’t helped by what happened once the suddenly launched into the next track nically brilliant, no doubt, but this headline dates and providing support be said about the other support band band got on stage. After beginning with ‘Past Lives’ in double time, thrashing wasn’t what I’d expected to see. FRIDAY 07 DECEMBER 37

Music Editors: Mark England, Ross Gray, Simon Hunter MUSIC [email protected] AMS Albums of the Year Alt-J: An Awesome Wave Purity Ring: Shrines

OK, I’m hardly thinking outside the box here. This decade brought internet “microgenres” of songs shared by friends on tumblr, covered Δ (or Alt-J to those of you who aren’t massive in gaudy aesthetics as important as the sound itself, never meant for public consumption. pricks) have already won the Mercury Prize for Some were picked up by critics, given names that the artists rejected, gained some legitimacy. An Awesome Wave and the album’s seen massive Witch-house, with its cult imagery and haunted, pitch-shifted vocals was the most prominent critical acclaim from all over. As such, it seems a bit of these, coming into the public eye over 2011. of a cop out for me to call it my ‘album of the year’. Doomed to fail almost as soon as it arose, most artists had unsearchable names made of It’s certainly losing me valuable hipster points, cross, dagger and triangle symbols, releasing a single EP then disappearing into obscurity. The but I seriously can’t think of anything I’ve enjoyed buzz died, an aborted aesthetic experiment which became a ghost like the sheets of so many more this year. 2012 has not been a great year for witch-house album covers. innovation, and as such, this is the closest I’ve got Of the few notable acts to rise from the scene, it’s perhaps telling that the one furthest re- to getting excited about anything. moved from the genre, Purity Ring, became the most successful. Releasing a few choice singles over the course of a year, they That all sounds a bit harsh, and I suppose I’m being a bit unfair. This is a really good showcased witch-house production without the pretension: a typical male/female synth-pop duo in the vein of The Knife or album. It’s “arty” indie pop at its best. It’s complex but it’s not painfully so. It’s catchy Crystal Castles, but with throbbing bass synth swells, muted 808 kicks and eerie distorted backing vocals. and intricate. It’s like Two Door Cinema Club and Wild Beasts had a baby and then They brought this into a coherent work with their release of their debut, Shrines, in July: a continuation of their already- gave it a really stupid name. ‘Tesselate’, ‘Breezeblocks’, ‘Dissolve Me’ and ‘Fitzpleas- trademark sound, with the tracks all just variant enough, and the album just short enough, to keep things from getting boring. ure’ alright. I’d get rid of the secret track, but that’s because secret tracks are stupid The lyrics play on the sound - a jarring mix of romance and sheer body horror, from “cut open my sternum and pull / my little and should all be permanently removed from existence. An Awesome Wave is not ribs around you” or “drill little holes into my eyelids / that I might see you when I sleep” all trilled in a poppy, almost cutsey voice. mindblowing. It won’t change your life. It’s just the best new album I’ve listened to It’s here that the witch-house image is most apparent, but the lead vocals cut above the mix with surprising clarity - Shrines is this year, and isn’t that just a little sad. pop, of a sort, and signals the end of a dying subgenre while rising from its ashes. Stuart Masson Keir Little

Portico Quartet: Portico Quartet Lower Dens: Nootropics

When many genres are thrown against one another, getting the right balance such that the beast It seems to me that very few people seem to be talking about will actually get off the ground is difficult enough, but to create an entirely new space, where Lower Dens at all. Surprising considering they toured with each constituent idea is represented in just the right amount, verges on accidental – or magical. Beach House and Deerhunter following the release of Portico Quartet manage exactly this with a humble palette of instruments. On their debut their debut Twin Hand Movement, and that the follow-up album released in 2007, they played straight forward, cheerful jazz as a four piece (saxophone, Nootropics can sit securely as my album of the year. double bass, drums and hang). Two albums later, their self-titled album released this January Named for a hypothetical type of mind-enhancing drug has its sound completely changed by adding synthesisers, electronic percussion, violin, and an without side-effects, Nootropics is a record concerned with assortment of loops and drones. The basic ideas of jazz are re-appropriated for creating dark humanity and it’s future. But, if the subject matter sounds instrumentals with progressive structures, experimental soundscapes starring Art Blakey style oppressive, the album is in fact incredibly immersive, envel- drum solos, and sparse ambient interludes constructing soft delicate moods. oping you in folds of guitar and letting you get lost in its soundscapes. Resting somewhere The first single, ‘Ruins’, opens onto a double bass lead and simple electronic groove. What sets the tone is the hang, providing between shoegaze, dream-pop and art-rock, each track is an exercise in precision, built an ominous, bassy swell as the beat becomes more complex. The energy of the band rides up and down led by emotive saxo- around carefully layered melodies, drum-lines and keys. At times, such as on ‘Propagation’ phone lines, which, whilst jazzy in style, feel accurate and meaningful. The background ambience never gets busy enough to or closing track ‘In The End Is The Beginning’, it sounds vast and cavernous, with Hunter’s lose the interplay between band members, which is what has made their past work so successful. ‘Steepless’ is another individ- voice seemingly echoing into infinity. At other points, the sound is close and taut; tracks ual track worth mentioning, featuring Cornelia Dahlgren, a Swedish singer, who adds delicate vocals to a sparse, glitchy ballad. ‘Brains’ and ‘Stem’ are wrapped tightly around the rattle of the drums. Electronic music meeting jazz isn’t exactly new. Portico Quartet, however, have managed to craft an album with the mood As I mentioned, Nootropics has a theme, of progress and uncertainty. But it’s not forced of Kid A whilst keeping core ideas from jazz intact. The overall result is an album that should entertain those up for a smooth, upon you through blunt lyrics or sermonising. Rather, it seems to be conveyed by every as- intelligent ride, or to just take them somewhere they feel they’ve never really been before. pect of the music. Elegant and involving, Nootropics is a phenomenal record. Robin Thomas Padraic Calpin

Killer Mike: R.A.P Music Grimes: Visions

“Hardcore G shit, homie, I don’t play When talking about Claire Boucher, a.k.a. Grimes, it is difficult to make her not seem like some around” are the words that mark the be- kind of hipster parody created by VICE magazine; a 24 year-old Canadian native who sports a ginning of R.A.P. Music and there isn’t a variety of hair colours, released her first album Geidi Primes on cassette tape, and went without moment in the next 45 minutes that don’t food or sleep for three weeks while creating her latest album Visions – a beguiling mix of dreamy live up to this intensity. The greatest synth-pop mixed with infectious beats and an incredibly high vocal range. So far, so kooky. strength of this album is this energy that However, if you look past the ever so slightly hipper-than-thou image Grimes projects, you’ll runs through it. The record was created find that Visions is an absolutely incredible album, and completely deserves the top spot this year. almost entirely by Mike and producer El- Using a huge range of samples alongside layered and looping vocals, Grimes creates songs which P, with only a few guest appearances, and manage to be both complex, and somehow also sparse. Standout tracks include ‘Genesis’, an in- this is exactly how it feels. It oozes this credibly catchy tune in which airy vocals float above a bouncy backing track, and ‘Skin’, in which passion of two guys making music they Boucher’s shrill, somewhat unnerving voice delivers intimate, confessional lyrics such as “You love for people who love music, a huge touch me once again and somehow it stings/because I know it is the end”. Beautiful stuff. The video for ‘Oblivion’, another quality love letter to the last three decades of hip hop, while simultaneously providing track which conjures up a hazy, dream-like atmosphere, manages to perfectly encapsulate the essence of Visions; Grimes sings in the genre with another great, forward looking album. Music that celebrates the audience of a packed stadium, moshes with a group of frat boys, and dances outside with skater kids. The pastel-hued video is the past like this would usually run dangerously close to being cheesy but it’s wonderfully eccentric, and Grimes comes across as a completely joyful oddball –watch it and see for yourself. how genuine Mike is that makes this work. “I’ve never really had a religious One of the many unique facets of Grimes’ personality is how much control she has over her artistic vision. In a recent interview experience, in a religious place / Closest I’ve ever come to seeing or feeling God with Dazed and Confused she described herself not as a musician, but as a “curator of stuff”, something which comes across in her is listening to rap music” claims Mike on the title track. And when records are work; as well as providing vocals for the tracks, she produced the entire album, directed the music videos, and designed all the cover being made like this, it’s not hard to see why. A record with such vitality is well art. The last year has been unbelievable for Grimes, whose ascent from obscurity to hipster stardom doesn’t seem to show any signs worth a listen if you have the even the slightest interest in hip hop. of slowing down; I look forward to what she does next with bated breath, and so should you. Adam Ravenscroft Fred Fyles 38 FRIDAY 07 DECEMBER

Film Editors: Katy Bettany, FILM John Park, Lucy Wiles fi [email protected] Santa Claus won’t make you h The Christmas season is my favourite time of year, but if you're anything like me, all the grinchy people around can mak

Katy Bettany Film Editor

Sound of Music: Jul- Harry Potter and the Bridget Jones & Bridget Happy Feet: this com- Hook: This rework- ie Andrews plays a nun Philosopher's Stone: Jones: The Edge of Rea- puter animated Academy ing of the classic Peter turned governess for a The first in the fran- son: Christmas just isn't Award winning musical Pan story is great family bunch of super cute Aus- chise, revisit a time Christmas without dear old film is visually incredible viewing, Robin Williams 1trian children and their super 2when the wizarding trio were Bridget.3 Renee Zellweger plays the 4and features wintery scenery and plays5 the grown up Pan bril- hot father (Christopher Plum- young and cute. Harry faces hapless chain-smoking diarist per- adorable penguins. Penguins are liantly, and Dustin Hoffman is mer – just me?) Set against the the evil Voldemort for the first fectly; becoming the instant poster supposed to sing to attract a mate, hilarious as the title villain. The backdrop of WW2, this charming time, but the film is not as dark child for singletons everywhere. but Mumble has a terrible voice. themes of family and the impor- family oriented film always gets as the later films. Plus there's Hugh Grant, Colin Firth and His talent lies in tap dancing. tance of being young at heart are me in the mood for the holidays. snow so it's vaguely festive. Spanx make this a holiday must. A beautiful and touching film. explored, and the ending is lovely.

Santa Claus: I was try- Moulin Rouge: Baz Luhr- Fantasia: for those who Edward Scissorhands: The Holiday: ing to keep overtly mann's masterpiece is one have been paying at- Set at Christmas-time, Stuffed fuller Christmassy films for of my favourite films ever, tention, I hate this film, Johnny Depp plays an than a turkey later in December, but and whilst not festive (ex- but the decision about artificIal man with with national ste- 6today is St Nicholas', a day for 7cept for its colour palette), has 8whether or not to include it was 9scissors for hands. Uncom- reotypes,10 this rom-com set over the Germans and Dutch to get some amazing medleys and re- vetoed by my co-Editors. These monly gentle, he has pity taken Christmas and New Year is es- into the festive spirit. Regard- workings of classic songs. The di- early Disney animations set to on him by a family, and falls in sential viewing. When Winslet less of your nationality, enjoy rection is great: stylish, fantastical various works of classical mu- love with their eldest daughter and Diaz get bored of their LA this straightforward film full and theatrical – and Nicole Kid- sic are widely thought to be Kim (Winona Ryder). Tragedy /Cotswolds lives respectively, of reindeer, mischievous elves man and Ewan McGregor shine in charming and kitschy, and are ensues, but the film remains they house-swap for the holiday and plenty of Christmas cheer. the leading roles. a favourite for this time of year. heartwarming and magical. season. Funny and feel-good.

Polar Express: the Elf: Will Ferell stars Lady and the The Muppets Christ- Miracle on 34th hugely successful as Buddy, a human Tramp: the list mas Carol: the re- Street: An old computer anima- brought up with the was looking a lit- telling of the classic man claiming to tion tells the story Elves at the North tle Disney light, Dickens tale, with the be Santa is institu- of11 a young boy aboard a powerful Pole12 travels to New York to meet 13and this is about as Christmas- 14beloved Muppets cast. I was actually tionalised15 as insane, but a young magical train on a journey to the his heartless birth father Walter. sy as Disney gets without be- quite scared of this as a child. Scrooge, lawyer decides to prove in court North Pole to see Santa. This is a This is a goofy comedy with some ing terrible. Adorable Lady falls the ultimate grumpy old man, is tak- that he is the real deal. This is a film about self discovery and faith. touching themes. It is inevitably in love with stray dog Tramp en on a trip in time by the ghosts of warmhearted classic about the This is a visually stunning film, clichéd, but that's probably what over a plate of spaghetti and Christmas Past, Present and Future real meaning of Christmas, and with voiceovers by Tom Hanks. you want in a light holiday film. meatballs. Ridiculously cute. in a bid to change his mean ways. a step away from commercialism. FRIDAY 07 DECEMBER 39

Film Editors: Katy Bettany, John Park, Lucy Wiles FILM fi [email protected] happy, but these fi lms will... e it hard to get in the mood. We've come up with a film for every day of Advent – call it an early Christmas present...

Home Alone Nativity! This is The Grinch: every- Love Actually: Father Christmas: I and II: prob- British comedy one knows one, but Several love stories this little known ably my favour- based around a Jim Carrey does it are interwoven in Raymond Briggs ite holiday films. primary school best in this fantasy this hugely popu- film is chronically 16Culkin plays Kevin, a super 17nativity play. Largely impro- 18film based on the famous Dr Suess lar19 rom-com. Love Actually has a underappreciated.20 This charming cute kid accidently and con- vised and low budget, this book. The inhabitants of Whoville kick-ass cast, including Bill Nighy, animation documents what Santa tinuously left home alone. film is warm, jolly and non- are victims of the Grinch's Christ- Alan Rickman, Emma Thomp- does with the parts of the year not Burglars try to break into the commercial, and the child ac- mas stealing ways, but it takes the son, Hugh Grant and Martine spent gearing up for Christmas, home, but he fights them off tors are brilliant. Plus there love of one small child to remind eve- McCutcheon, a great soundtrack and has some overlap with the like a ninja. Hilariously funny. are some really catchy songs! ryone what the season is really about. and happy-endings all round. more widely known The Snowman.

The Nation- White Christmas: It's a Wonderful Life: this is widely thought of as the most essential Christmas film ever made, al Lampoons Bing Crosby and and it isn't hard to see why. A frustrated businessman is visited by an angel, who shows him what Christmas Va- his fellow soldier life would be like if he had never been born. He sees that the people he loves would have been mis- cation: another and partner in a erable or dead, and realises that his life has had a positive influence on the world. Not only a great 21favourite of mine. Riotously 22successful song and dance duo fall Christmas25 film, but a great film in general, reminding the viewer that life is wonderful. Happy Christmas Everyone! funny, this slapstick comedy in love with a sister act, and team encompasses everything won- up to help the duo's ex-Army Gen- derful about the season: family eral save the failing Vermont Inn arguments, mishaps, cooking from closure. Plenty of comedy and disasters, but most importantly, some great musical numbers make community and good humour. this a perfect Christmas film.

The Snowman: Nightmare Be- Another Raymond fore Christmas: Briggs animation, Tim Burton's this is a classic film stop-motion that23 should be in everyone's essen- 24musical horror film is a cred- tial viewing list. If this film doesn't ible alternative to all the fes- pull at the heartstrings, then your tive schmaltz before the big heart must be made of ice too. A day arrives. The ing of Hallow- young boy makes a snowman, who eentown discovers Christmas- takes him on a magical journey. town, and tries to usurp Santa. 40 FRIDAY 07 DECEMBER

Film Editors: Katy Bettany, FILM John Park, Lucy Wiles fi [email protected] 2012 Felix Film Awards

Best Actor: Best Actress: Best Supporting Actor: Best Supporting Actress: Best Director: Joaquin Phoenix Marion Cotillard Matthew McConaughey Helena Bonham Carter Gary Ross The Master Rust and Bone Magic Mike Great Expectations The Hunger Games

Wide-eyed, hunched over As a killer-whale trainer who No-one does sleazy, greasy and In a role that seems to have Turning a popular franchise of and completely disturbed and goes through a horrifi c accident, sneaky as well as McConaughey been written specifi cally for novels aimed at teenagers, making damaged to the very core, Phoenix Cotillard’s nuanced, carefully can, which is why he is the perfect this English actress even before it as potent and meaningful to the is bang on in the middle of Paul measured performance is a thing fi t for his male strip club owner she was born, Carter excels in adults is a diffi cult task, but Ross Thomas Anderson’s incredibly of wonder as she fi ercely dives act. With his thick Southern occupying the role of one of was certainly up for the challenge. challenging, dense drama. His into the complex persona of a accent, sly slinky moves, cheeky literature’s most famous jilted With his intimate, up-close, shaky extremely volatile nature is a double leg amputee faced with confi dence and sly grin to top it brides, Miss Havisham. Adding camerawork injecting plenty of tour-de-force of a performance, the many challenges of everyday all off, he is the comic highlight of enough kooky craziness in her realism and suspense into the one that grabs your attention life. Both inspirational and the fi lm, whilst also wisely never creepy wedding dress whilst also futuristic thriller, it’s no wonder from the get-go and holds on emotionally devastating, this is underplaying the “antagonist” revealing a subtle touch of stirring this became such an unexpected despite the diffi cult turns and yet another showcase for this aspect of his outstanding role that humanity, she is the most fun, but hit with a wide demographic. developments Anderson often outstanding French actress who simply outclasses his many other also tragic part of an otherwise Shame he’s not involved in the presents. pushes the boundaries. co-stars. dull and dry fi lm. many sequels to come.

Rising Star of the Year: Rising Star of the Year: Jeremy Irvine Elizabeth Olsen

He was hand-picked by Steven No longer having to live in her Spielberg to take part in his older twin sisters’ shadow, Olsen World War I epic War Horse has become a movie star in her and his success didn’t end there: own right. What started this off with lead starring roles in Now was her unforgettable debut is Good, and Great Expectations, performance in the brilliantly this young English talent appears Ensemble of the Year: ambiguous Martha Marcy to stand a good chance in making May Marlene and she has since it big in this tough business, with The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel followed that up with equally Spielberg calling him the new memorable supporting turns Christian Bale. Up next is The Judi Dench, Maggie Smith, Bill Nighy, Tom Wilkinson, Penelope Wilton, Celia Imrie, Ronald Pickup (and Dev in Silent House, Red Lights, and Railway Children, where he will Patel... sure, he can get in on this list) – a cast list doesn’t read better than this. And despite the choppy direction Liberal Arts. She has also been stand alongside Oscar winners and unsure narrative that prevented this from becoming a mediocre crowd-pleaser, the English legends help sell cast in the Hollywood remake of Colin Firth and Nicole Kidman. the story. It’s no surprise to see this turned out to be the sleeper hit of this summer. South Korea’s Oldboy. FRIDAY 07 DECEMBER 41

Film Editors: Katy Bettany, John Park, Lucy Wiles FILM fi [email protected] Top Fifteen Films of 2012

15) Brave 14) Looper 13) Killing Them Softly 12) Silver Linings Playbook 11) Life of Pi

Pixar seems to strike gold with An emotionally charged, intelligent Gangster fi lms don’t always require A romantic-comedy with an off-beat Chances are, this is the most beautiful every fi lm they produce and their sci-fi full of slick action and clever bullets and bodies to be compelling, twist of mental illness, here is a bold fi lm you’ll see this year, as Ang Lee has 2012 effort is no exception to this strands of narrative that all weave as director Andrew Dominik proves but sensitive probe into characters captured the unfi lmable, adapting rule. The tale of a young, red-head together, it uses the complex theme here. With obvious parallels made to who are far from perfect. With the best-selling novel of the same princess (voiced by the feisty Kelly of time travel to its advantage. Joseph the world economy and politics, the outstanding performances all-round, name. That the fi lm doesn’t have a lot Macdonald) is a charming, sweet Gordon-Levitt also shows he can take cleverly written script is also given it builds up to a rousing, resounding to say doesn’t matter; you’ll be blown treat full of action, comedy and heart. charge as a competent leading man. proper treatment by its superb cast. feel-good fi nale. away regardless.

9) Avengers Assemble 10) Moonrise Kingdom Without a doubt the biggest movie Wes Anderson is at his best in which of 2012, it’s not at all surprising that he explores the trials and tribulations Joss Whedon’s superhero ensemble of a couple of 10-year-olds who are smashed all sorts of box offi ce records. on a quirky romantic adventure of Well constructed, fi nely detailed and a lifetime. It’s a delightful journey above all, hugely entertaining, this is looking at innocence, hope, love and exactly what the summer needed. perhaps giving life another shot.

8) Pitch Perfect 1) Beasts of the Southern Wild 7) Chronicle

Glee without all the cheese and Yes, it’s probably a fi lm not many people have seen yet, but trust us when we say that this truly is the most spectacular piece With darker spins, less budget, and the repetitive “be yourself” vomit- of fi lmmaking of this year, which may come as a shock, as no big names are involved, and it’s a feature fi lm debut for a fi rst- more honest perception into the inducing, corny messages, this is time director. And yet what Benh Zeitlin (director) manages here is to create a whole new different world for the audience to corrupt side to power, here is the funnier and smarter than that show become a part of, a world so powerful, colourful, rich and touching that you would want to immerse yourself fully into and superhero fi lm to beat in the future. wil ever be. Also featuring Rebel explore the unknown. Quvenzhané Wallis, only a fi ve-year-old girl at the time of fi lming, gives a performance so tender and Featuring three very different but Wilson in a star-making turn. Best beautiful (I’M THE MAN!!! I’M THE MAN!!!) that she can stand alone at the fi lm’s centre and completely grab our attention. relatable characters, it’s an exciting Supporting Actress Oscar? Why not? Heart-breaking at times but undeniably stirring even at an incredibly short length, you owe it to yourself to go see this movie. addition to a predictable genre.

6) End of Watch 5) Amour 4) The Hunt 3) Seven Psycopaths 2) Argo

Handheld fi lming methods seem to Michael Haneke is an arthouse A consistently haunting, morally The weirder, wackier and wilder it Ben Affleck cleverly sustains nail- be overdone these days, but under the favourite, as his patient but invasive reprehensible tale that couldn’t have gets, the better. Martin McDonaugh’s biting tension juggling a hostage right hands, it can turn even the more methods are hard to ignore. His latest come out at a more appropriate time. follow-up to his highly acclaimed situation, a secret CIA operation, tiresome genre into one of the most is by no means a cheery affair, dealing It features a powerful performance In Bruges, is more hysterical, more Hollywood involvement, politics, exhilarating cinematic experiences. with a slow death of a woman, but in from its lead, Mads Mikkelsen, as an bizarre, and even more watchable. intermittent yet effective comedy, all with utmost realism, fresh banter, its quiet, understated direction, there innocent kindergarten teacher falsely Plus you get plenty of pure gold put together perfectly to produce his and plenty of hardcore action. is plenty of beauty to be found. accused of paedophilia. Christopher Walken moments. best directorial feature yet. 42 FRIDAY 07 DECEMBER

Games Editor: Ross Webster GAMES [email protected] Wii wish U a merry Zmas Max Eggl details his discoveries at the Gadget Show Live!

he Wii U was released was still in a daze due to the copious spare. Th e setting and the feel of the about a week ago, with amounts of people and games, and game reminded me a lot of DayZ, and a lot of curiosity sur- as such, unaware of all the little de- to be honest I actually was quite tense T rounding its release, tails. Th en the controller was pushed during the game. My objective was to and I had the chance, into my hand and I commenced play- fi nd a way out of the kindergarten and last Friday, to actually play it! A trip ing. Th e controller itself was a tad bit survive. Th e screen of the controller to the Gadget Show Live, with very heavy, and unwieldy but it wasn’t as had a kind of map on it, which slightly plain press passes, allowed me to not bad as I thought it would be. How- confused me, as I wasn’t sure at which only jump all the cues, but actually ever when I started playing, the actual screen I should be looking, in the end get a look and feel of the Wii U and complexity of the controller struck deciding to glance down at the map its weird controller. I only managed to me. I had no clue what to do. Th at was every so often. Th is did irritate me play a relatively short time, as well as the fi rst time ever that I had picked up somewhat, as I prefer all my game info only two games, but that was enough a game, and had no clue how to play. to be within one concentrated area. to get a good impression of what was Not even the Nintendo guy seemed to So I made my way through the kin- ism gamer, going on. know what was going on. Th e game dergarten with the occasional bloody is great the So here’s a quick overview of what seemed to be a rail shooter, which are handprint on the walls. When the (as much as you original the Wii U entails. Th e controller is notoriously simple to use, and yet nei- fi rst zombie lunged out from behind a can be realistic in a zom- audience quite a complex piece of equipment ther me nor the actual employee had corner, not only I jumped, but the lit- bie game), and I enjoyed mutilating of the Wii, and is a step removed from the re- an inkling of how to play. Th e graph- tle audience that had formed around any zombie I came across. ZombiU w i l l face great dif- motes and nunchuks of the Wii. It’s a ics of the game seemed quite nice, but me did as well. I did manage to kill was perfectly optimised for the Wii U, fi culties to really get the most out of screen surrounded by various buttons, I could not really enjoy the game as I the annoying bugger by smashing his using all the features that the unique their games without using the tutorial kinda like the bottom half of a DS, but was trying to fi gure out how to actual- head in (very graphic and bloody), but controller had to off er. Skylanders, on or manual. Even me, a relatively ex- larger. What Nintendo is trying to do ly play. Perhaps a tutorial would have I must say that the tablet-controller the other hand, and probably the ma- perienced gamer had a few problems, is integrate a tablet into your gaming helped, but the fact that you need to did not seem anything special at that jority of games, are created by game which sometimes caused frustration experience, so that the second screen have a tutorial for the console, which point, and I would have perhaps pre- studios that do not understand all you more than enjoyment. All in all, I re- enhances your playing capabilities, i.e. is supposed to speak to the casual ferred something smaller in my hand. can do with the Wii U. Th is is one of ally hope that the Wii U persists and by being the platform for mini-games. gamer, it worries me how many ac- Also the looting of items was very the biggest problems that Nintendo actually achieves success. Nintendo Also if your brother, sister, girlfriend, tual casual gamers will pick this up. confusing, because you had to look faces, for if they do not get the right is trying to push a whole new way of boyfriend etc. want to interrupt your Also the game itself didn’t actually down onto the screen of the tablet, support from the game makers i.e. playing games, which I think could be game time by using the TV screen for seem to use the touch screen that the and swipe from the loot to your bag, games made with the Wii U in mind, the next big thing. I thoroughly en- another purpose, the Wii U control- controller had to off er, or maybe I confusing and, I thought, unnecessar- nobody will buy this console, which joyed ZombiU, however with a price ler’s screen can serve as your game just hadn’t fi gured it out. After dying ily complicated. Even though ZombiU would be a big shame. of £350 for game and console, I am screen. While, in theory, this concept about 6 times, I decided I would go to was turning out to be a great game, Another big stumbling block that a bit worried that not enough people sounds relatively simple, in real life it’s the game I had actually wanted the messiness and diffi culty of using faces the Wii U is the complicated na- will buy it, since for that amount of a bit more diffi cult to understand. to see, and allow some other the controller was starting to grate ture of the tablet-controller. Th e casual money, I know I wouldn’t. person to fi gure out how to at my nerves. Th en came a locked actually play. Th e game door. Apparently my character was I am talking about is an expert lock-picker, and thus a little ZombiU. mini-game came about where I had ZombiU has been to pick the lock of the door using the in the works as long controller. Th e mini-game was quite as the Wii U has, simple, however I did take a peak at and it’s Nintendo’s the big screen, and was pleasantly attempt to reach surprised to see my character in 3rd the hardcore au- person perspective actually trying to dience of gam- pick the lock. Th is is a very nice touch ers. Ever since I I think, because once you have zom- Back to my saw some trail- bies coming up to you and you see experience of the e r s and explanatory them out of the corner of your eye, ZombiU - turning this: Wii U. So, I stum- videos of it on YouTube, I had the tension mounts and opening that bled into the Nintendo been excited to have a go at it. I was door may not be that easy. Although area, and was surrounded quite sure that since Nintendo was this involves you dividing your atten- by various stations portraying a mul- making this game just for the Wii U, tion between two diff erent screens, it titude of games. At this point, I was that the full promise of its controller just makes the game experience much overcome with choice so I just picked would be on full display. I am quite more realistic. In real life you would DayZ the fi rst station which was free. Th e the zombie fan, having played , be freaking out! When I did fi nally into this.... game I had chosen was Skylanders. Resident Evil and many other games die (killed by an annoying, special, Skylanders was released quite re- concerning this subject. Th us when disappearing zombie) accompanied cently, and has beaten all expectations I fi nally got to play, after seeing the by groans by the multitude of people to become one of the most popular previous player brutally mauled, I was now ogling my game, I was sad and re- games for young teens in 2012. It in- raring to go! Th e guy in charge of this lieved at the same time. Sad, because corporates the use of actual physical station actually seemed to know what my character, who I had grown to like toys, which are placed into the game to do, and explained the mechanics of in my 15 minutes of playing, was dead, using a portal and then are playable the game quite well. So when I picked and relieved because the game was so in-game. Th e Nintendo employee who up the controller I felt ready to kick goddam scary that I was glad it was had been playing the game solo at that some rotting zombie’s butt. Quite ee- over. point, invited me to play with him, rily, the game started with me waking Th e Wii U has a LOT of potential. placing a fi gure onto the portal. Sadly up in a kindergarten (wonder how I ZombiU is a class game that really did I can’t remember at all what this fi g- got there...). I had a bloody cricket bat manage to make me fl inch (and every- ure looked like, as, at that moment, I and a handgun with a few bullets to one around me) at some points. Its real- FRIDAY 07 DECEMBER 43

Games Editor: Ross Webster [email protected] GAMES Good Guy Master Chief (To the tune of Good King Wenceslas) Good guy Master Chief woke up On Forward Unto Dawn When the Covenant turned up War again begun. Then they crashed on Requiem, Killed Prometheans When the Didact said to them: “Slaughter all the humans!”

“Hey Cortana, stick with me, Our future seems quite grim, Yonder Didact, what is he? We really need to kill him.” “Chief, we’ve got the Infi nity, Crashing down around us Lets go save Commander Lasky Their lives rest on our success”

“Bring me tanks and DMRs, Bring me shotguns hither Thou and I will kick his ass When we bear him thither.” Page and monarch forth they went Forth they went together Through the rude wind’s wild lament And the bitter weather.

“Chief, I’ve got some problems here It’s my rampancy, I’m eight years old, and I fear I need to fi nd Doc. Halsey.” “Mark my words, my oldest friend We’ll get you back to Earth I promise that this tale won’t end With any less than mirth.”

In to the slipstream dark, they fl ew Where the Didact entered Ahead of them they always knew Humanity’s fate awaited UNSC men, be sure Wealth or SR owning Ye who now will bless the poor Will not be killed by spawn-camping MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM THE FELIX GAMES TEAM! 44 FRIDAY 07 DECEMBER

Comment Editors: George Barnett, COMMENT Navid Nabijou, James Simpson [email protected] Democracy and the law The EU’s implementation of “equality” legislation is undermining national democracy, argues, Christopher Kaye

omen are safer wasn’t even the European Parliament drivers. Th at is (who, in theory at least, is vaguely ac- a fact backed up countable) who nodded it through. W by overwhelm- Instead it was the European Court of ing statistical Justice who in March 2011 decided to evevidence.i By being male I pay more amend European Directive 2004/113/ foforr my car insurance. EC because its provisions specifi cally Surely,S then, I should welcome the allowing gender-sensitive pricing was fafactct that, as of 21st December, ‘gender “incompatible with the principle of didiscrimination’sc in the insurance in- equal treatment in EU law”. Th at is dustry is to be banned? despite the fact such a derogation was Christopher Kaye No, I don’t welcome it at all. In part explicitly included in the original Di- because it would be very hypocriti- rective! cal for me to criticise the self-styled Now, last time I checked, the ECJ ‘equality’ movement when it tries to was not elected by anyone. Call me Well, she’s not censor Felix, only to then keep quiet old-fashioned, but I always assumed getting insurance on the rare occasions it benefi ts me. that it was a judiciary’s job to uphold driving like that But there’s a greater principle at stake law; what the law actually says. Not here: democratic legitimacy. what they think the law should say. On a concept as controversial as Because the UK is a member of the this, you would think that Parliament EU, we are obliged to implement EU would’ve spent months debating such Directives whether we like them or a bill; ping-ponging its way between not. Our Government didn’t like this expectancies) can aff ord to buy it, thus is the scrutiny? Commons and Lords until fi nally, af- amended Directive. Among other increasing the risk-pool for the insur- Personally I would be against such ter many late evenings, the enacting things, HM Treasury pointed out that ance company. meddling regardless of who intro- scrawl ‘Elizabeth R’ turns the bill into female drivers would be eff ectively Despite their sensible opposition, duced it. But at least if it was our an Act. But no. On this issue, none of subsidising male drivers, also incenti- the UK Government still ultimately Government, I could use my vote to that has happened. vising the purchase of higher risk cars bent over and took it. We will soon show them the error of their ways at You see, this ban on ‘discrimination’ by men. fi nd out whether Parliament will also the next election. Sadly, as long as EU is not something our elected MPs have In addition to motoring, life insur- bend over and accept Votes for Pris- law is supreme over national law, with decided to introduce. In fact, the UK ance will also become more expensive oners too. Whatever your view on Euro-judges making up laws on the Government is fi rmly against it. It as fewer women (who have longer life these issues, you have to ask: Where spot, there’s bugger all we can do.

union once. He was so confi dent, until he asked to read my palm --- and I realised what was going on. Th e second I said “OMG you Online are NOT just trying the game on me?!” His face dropped and his In response to “Clubs with Wordpress sites need to upgrade or entire confi dence-act vanished completely. I’m not even angry at be hacked... intense”, 30th November: In response to “Pick-up artistry & arseholery”, 30th November: the guys whose self-esteem is so low that they feel their only way of getting women to sleep with them is by insulting them and lying. I It’s too easy to hide behind the whole ‘OMG USE SSL’ thing, just I believe this article is clear sexism against men, there is so much just have one piece of advice for guys who think tehre is any value because one of the Ss stands for “secure”. Most browsers won’t hate into it. I believe that when there is a problem it is always more in this: Th e ultimate path to being alone forever is building all warn about iframes or cross-domain AJAX requests, particu- than one’s fault. So girls that fall from this ‘’tricks’’ (as you suppose) your social interaction “skills” with women on lies an manipula- larly if the user has ticked the “don’t warn me again” box. It’s should actually wake up as well. Maybe guys should create a Guys tions, so I suggest you think about what’s more important to you no substitute for writing secure code, and I would have thought Society (there is a Feminist society) so that they fi ght against sexist in the long run. that Wordpress, as an open source community-reviewed pro- articles like these one. (Feminist Society=Sexism Source). My point: I also personally think that this kind of behaviour completely ject, would be far more resilient to attack than some contributed Th e answer to sexism is not sexism! objectifi es women, and that is an insult to every single girl, espe- code by Imperial students. I have seen code written by the cur- - Anonymous cially within Imperial. We all have brains, that’s why we’re here... rent Union President and ex-Sysadmin that has made me feel - Anonymous II physically sick. I say you force everyone to use PDO prepared Anonymous, I’m sorry, but no: it’s really not, and I agree with you statements. entirely that sexism shouldn’t be fought with further sexism. De- Annoyed Penguin, well, you’re clearly a charmer. Here’s why it mat- - Careful spite what you may think, feminism fi ghts against sexism towards ters: Imperial has a terrible reputation for sexism. Th is is so well men too, and we don’t condone articles like this. Th at said, I don’t known now that it’s now known by other universities around Lon- I’m not using SSL as some form of silver bullet that will magically think this is anywhere near as problematic as PUAs themselves don. Th is is not to say that other universities don’t have their own solve all these issues, it’s part of a number of things I am doing. who literally believe in manipulating women into sex. problems with sexism (they do), but at IC it is blatant. It prevents Don’t worry! I’m not going to sit in my chair and relax now! An - Keir Little women from doing what they want or need. It’s embarrassing and added benefi t of mandating SSL will hopefully be realised once limits the university’s outlook. You are also aff ected by it and it I get the necessary approval from the powers that be, but you’ll I got stalked by a fat girl back at school and she didn’t leave me sways opinions about whether people should go there for under- hopefully fi nd out about that one soon. alone till I stomped on a Frube and it went all over her. If you can’t graduate and postgraduate study. - Philip Kent understand that the guy at the union wearing a stupid hat who - Old Boy IC Graduate claims to be in IBD at Goldman and a adult fi lm star is lying you --- deserve what’s coming your way. Seriously who cares?. With all the Imperial only has a terrible reputation for sexism because no-one articles about female right recently in Felix I think it’d be better will shut the fuck up about it. I seriously can’t be the only one who In response to “Sexism and science”, 23rd November: managed by Rupert Murdoch. opens comment, sees the sexism article of the week (because there - Annoyed Penguin is -always- one) and goes “Oh for FUCK’S sake...” Warning: word “sexism” detected! Brace for impact of 9000-mega- - Park Jae-sang ton rage bomb Th is article is awesome. Some nerdy loser tried this on me in the - Anonymous FRIDAY 07 DECEMBER 45

Comment Editors: George Barnett, Navid Nabijou, James Simpson COMMENT [email protected] Putting the ‘Bang’ in Bangladesh: an alternative way to spend Spring Jonathan Kingsley is on a mission to help Bangladesh’s rural poor

or many, life has been nor- mal so far; most have at- Involving local tended school, the lucky women is a corner- Fprogressing onto universi- stone of Bangladesh’s ty, the majority then grad- development policy uating. However, I realised the next 10 years of my (professional) life could creep up on me as quickly as the last 16 years, during which time I was be- ing unwittingly conveyor-belted along an education system and churned out into real life. I felt like doing some- Jonathan thing diff erent, just for a while. ‘Normal’ life in the UK is considered Kingsley to be one of privilege and opportunity. But this isn’t how the global picture looks. How often do stop to wonder why, let alone do anything about it? While deciding my next step after university, I chose to defer my job and volunteer. In reading this I hope you consider doing the same. see my en- On 22 January 2013 I will begin a 3-month volunteering placement in Bangladesh. I will be living as the lo- While I’m aware many of us already ventable diseases, due to the lack of imaginative minds to VSO. And when tire body cals do, collaborating with other over- volunteer in this country and donate access to and information about sani- that time comes, you’ll be in my shoes seas volunteers, local communities to charity when we can, many of us tation, hygiene, nutrition and sexual recruiting the attention and generos- (and head) and organisations to address problems think we’re unable to reach those in health. ity of your peers to act against poverty. faced by severely impoverished com- distant countries, because we lack the Th e opportunity to address these is- But for now, you can make a diff er- munities in Bangladesh. Th e focus is capital and the time. However, with sues fi rst hand requires a bit of com- ence from the comfort of your Library transformed on groups who are otherwise excluded the help of donations and government mitment on my own soil before I leave; desk, your lecture theatre or your bed- from social and economic growth and grants, VSO empowers 18-25 year I am required to fundraise a minimum room. Lend your support by visiting who are less resilient to economic and olds, such as us fresh graduate meat, of £800. Th is not only raises aware- the page below to donate. Otherwise, into some- environmental shocks. (See end for to lend our hands and brains for good ness for the scheme so that others are keep your nostrils dilated for the scent more details.) in some of the most impoverished encouraged to get involved in fi ghting of a bake sale next week on campus thing smooth Statistics surrounding poverty are destinations on Earth. against poverty, but it facilitates young and buy some delicious cakes. To keep inaccessible and emotions can easily Bangladesh, for example, suff ers people like us to take part. track of the various fundraising events be rationalised with our busy sched- from widespread childhood malnutri- So for those looking to do some- I’ll be doing. and bare ules and daily commitments. But pov- tion, and has one of the highest rates thing memorable before knuckling To fi nd out more about VSO and to erty should never have become an ac- of maternal mortality in the world. down to a job for the rest of your life, donate, visit: ceptable thing to live with. Th ere is also a high incidence of pre- consider volunteering your young, www.justgiving.com/kingsley-does-vso

discrimination are just one example of ety? Even though they claim that the term turns to see who can denounce it using the ism, Imperial displays the epitome of “ this. We are all intelligent people who is gender-neutral, surely they must realise greatest number of nebulous bien-pensant apathy. I can’t think of anyone I know Letters wish to share our opinions. But chasing that the vast majority of people do not per- neologisms like “cis-privelege” (so that any who has attended any of the student after every misunderstanding and mis- ceive it to be so? Why not, for the avoid- casual reader must resort to Wikipedia be- protests of late and no one really seems conception means that again and again ance of doubt, call it the Gender Equality fore they can fully fathom the profundity of to care about what the sabbaticals do. Sir, we must reiterate these arguments. Per- Society? the critique), they may fare better in their I propose a small change that should haps we should all vote on a feminism Last year’s Felix Sexism Survey degree studies, personal relationships, and make Union politics at Imperial instant- I was deeply moved by Philippa Skett’s policy and then leave it and get back to showed that 10.14% of the sample of life in general. ly more divisive and interesting. I believe article the other week. Having occa- the library. And if the (male-dominat- 631 students answered ‘yes’ to the ques- Th anks to FemSoc, Imperial now has a that offi cers and candidates should be sionally perused the Feminist Society ed) vote concludes that sexism is a good tion ‘Is Imperial Sexist?’. To put that in reputation for sexism which, according to fi ltered into two diff erent political par- Facebook page, I cannot help but be im- thing, then at least we’ll know for sure perspective, that’s a smaller percentage a Felix survey, it does not deserve. Th ey ties in order to help students identify pressed by the quality of the writing that we have a problem! of people than those who would cur- have become the crux of the problem with them and make the election process and the depth of the critical analysis. rently vote for the Liberal Democrats, which they sought to resolve. It’s time for all the more embittered. However, I worry that some great scien- Anonymous, via email according to a recent YouGov poll. them to stop. Th ese parties don’t necessarily have to tifi c brains” are not so much honing their To me, it feels like this so-called follow the traditional parliamentarian critical thinking on the subject of femi- --- “Feminist Society” are using the prem- Anonymous, via website left/right ideologies. Th ere could instead nism as becoming completely immersed ise of gender equality to front a moral be the anti-sexism and pro-sexism par- by it. I for one have now been drawn in, Sir, crusade against the rest of us, presum- --- ties, or even the for and against Chris and have wasted an entire evening hav- ably because they bear some kind of Kaye parties. I hope that this subtle ing opinions! Th is is not a bad thing in With all these articles on the topic of sex- perfunctory, puerile grudge against Sir, change in how we elect sabbaticals will and of itself, but I feel that feminism is ism being published recently, I can’t help society. engage Imperial students more with the now becoming too dominant in Impe- but think that it’s the Feminist society that Maybe if their members wasted less time Upon recently reading a London-wide running of our union. rial’s society. Becky Lane’s admirable is causing most of the problem. For start- on Facebook and Twitter searching for ex- student paper I realised that, when it eff orts to get people talking about sexist ers, why is it even called the Feminist Soci- amples of sex discrimination and taking comes to student politics and activ- A cradle-to-grave Tory everynation.co.uk

SUNDAYS ACTIVITY SPACE 1

Free café – 5:30 FRIDAY 07 DECEMBER 47

Coffee Break Boss: Matt Colvin [email protected] COFFEE BREAK

GENERIC CHEAP CUT-OUT It’s Christmas T! CHRISTMAS CRACKER HHOT!O Coffee Break Boss SPECIAL INEVITABLE POST- I’m writing this through a cascade Anyway, I’m off to my Christmas of uncontrollable tears – alas, tis job, namely being a pundit for the CHRISTMAS the season of the last issue of the hundreds of documentaries that year. That’s right folks, like an slow- are currently being produced to SALES ly advancing army of overweight tie in with the Duchess of Cam- men in red and white, Christmas is bridge’s pregnancy. Easiest job interminably trudging on towards ever, all you have to say is that the us and we’ll have to take a bit of a baby’s going to have a “traditional INEVITABLE break. name, but potentially with a bit of But this is only the beginning! a twist for a middle name”. Here’s We sure know how to treat you properly here, ECONOMIC Remember, if you’ve also wanted hoping for something classic for to be involved with Felix in some that middle name, like Garfi eld, or that’s why we’re offering you a Christmas miracle of a chance DOWNTURN fashion, all it takes is an email to something along those lines. Roll- to look after your overdraft by cutting out your own cracker [email protected]. ing in dollar. Merry Giftmas. above. Imagine that crisp tear of paper over Christmas lunch! THE THE FINAL CHAPTER OF THE TIMELESS SAGA DISCOGRAPHY ED MILIBAND HOLDS... HUNT FOR THE OF LETHAL ROYAL BABY BIZZLE FINDING NAME LOOSE CHANGE Guess the name of the baby of the century and win precisely A DISTRESSING ...THE SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS nothing! LACK OF MARQUEES ON THE QUEEN’S SNOW WATCH Imperial LAWN Lovestruck

Sorry, but last week’s vague reference to Love Actually literally made me write in with the intent of getting some- LOVE thing off my chest. It’s an awful awful fi lm and I hate it. That guy who stalks Keira Knightley – yikes. And yet by the ACTUALLY end when they’re all happy in the airport and that horrible song just repeats itself, I’m broken by it. I’m grinning from ear to ear. More often than not I wake up the next morn- INTERVIEWS ing seriously regretting the viewing habits of the past. I’m sorry to put such a downer on things but it’s Lovestruck and Christmas related. – Love Actually Hater harangued in Huxley BLUE SOCKS Awwwwwww, warms the heart, doesn’t it? If you have AT THE TIME OF GOING TO PRINT, THERE any tales of romance or, alternatively, completely un- WAS NOW SNOW ON THE QUEEN’S LAWN related tangents to embark upon, email felix@impe- NNOT!O rial.ac.uk and the dubious limelight could be yours! T! 48 FRIDAY 07 DECEMBER

HANGMAN [email protected] the turnip twatter Hangman’s Finest College News Source willyoujoinmymiliband?

Omg they’ve taught dogs how to drive!!! Imperial’s Finest OBAMARAMATYME2012

Old news. My wife has been driving for years lol. News Source Makes Shellybams

Well you’ll be sleeping on the couch Triumphant Return tonight. OBAMARAMATYME2012 by Hugh Moor we’ve been swamped with hatemail In related news, is the radioac- and morale has been at an all-time tively reanimated Arafat out of mperial’s Finest News low” Felix Editor, Tim Arbabzadah, control? The resurrected former DAMMIT. Source Makes Triumphant was overheard saying before adding President of the Palestinian Na- Return “we’ve just not been able to produce tional Authority, brought back After a two-week hiatus, the same quality of article without to life by a crazed Bobby Pickett, willyoujoinmymiliband? The Turnip, Imperial Col- the confidence that, if it all back- emerged from his ‘final’ resting lege’sI foremost source of news, fires, we have the solid, dependable place last week and surged towards has made a stunning return, eye- Turnip to fall back on”. Whilst Tel-Aviv, sources confirmed. Thus Check the toaster. That’s where Jus- witnesses confirm. The award- rumours that the rest of Felix is far, Israel’s famous Iron Dome Ara- tine always hides my xbox games. winning news bulletin famed to be replaced with articles from fat Defence System has been unable for its fluid-writing and piercing enigmatic journalist Hugh Moor to intercept the former president journalism returns as the author appear unfounded, it has become and he continues his relentless OBAMARAMATYME2012 arrived back in the country af- clear that Mr Arbabzadah will be march for revenge. ter rumouredly broking peace in replacing the front page, comments Elsewhere, other important stuff the Middle East. “Thank God he’s and features sections in the near maybe happened, but, to be fair, Yeah, but that’s because you’re back, circulations been down, future. they probably don’t matter. scared of the toaster. Cameron_DA_Maneron!!! Hangman’s Sidebar of shame Check her vagina. That’s where I’ve FAIL TODAY been hiding my penis…In Shelly’s THINK vagina…I fucked Shelly lol. Royal baby reportedly OBAMARAMATYME2012 THAT to be named Royal Baby as Duke and Duchess get YOU “postmodern” a friend lol of someone that once ARE talked to Kate says SammyCammy FUNNY? REVEALED: The exact No Obie, try the other side. That’s where I’ve been hiding David’s xbox WRITE and precise progression controller :) (to the nearest mm) of FOR the Royal Baby’s feet Using the latest, cutting edge HANGMAN technology, developed by NASA and CERN, we investigate the big issue. kthnxbai Merry Christmas from Hangman! Pop star James Blunt is spotted walking out felix@imperial. of restaurant “full”... OH, Now, write for us. who are we all kidding: IT’S THE ROYAL BABY ac.uk AGAIN! FRIDAY 07 DECEMBER 49

[email protected] HANGMAN

THE NEWS WITHOUT THE NEWS

TTOOLOOL OOFF TTHEHE WWEEKEEK Pete Doherty in trouble That’s defi nitely the only way that he’s stacked after sniffer dogs are Got a photo of someone being a waste of a student loan? Get permission, then just send it to us at: [email protected] drafted in to help police CHRISTMASSCOPES – Festive feel to horoscopes CANCER TAURUS GEMINI VIRGO ARIES LEO

This week you have a deli- This week you run into your This week an angel comes This week you receive an This week you buy a festive This week you embark on a cious Christmas dinner with crush underneath some mis- down from heaven to tell you early Christmas present from themed wank sock, also long journey to your birth- your housemates, and even tletoe. This is the opportunity that you’re expecting a royal your signifi cant other half. You known as a stocking. You place on a donkey. But you manage not to burn anything. you’ve been waiting for! You baby. However, you have open it, trembling in anticipa- diligently add ‘presents’ to get lonely along the way However, you eat so much go for it and enjoy a pas- such severe morning sick- tion. The gift is some expen- it daily until Christmas day and decide to get friendly that you fall into a food coma. sionate embrace, and god it ness that you throw it up pre- sive underwear, but it’s fi ve and give it to your chosen with it. While you’re reliev- When you wake up 3 days feels good! You tenderly step maturely. Giving birth out of sizes too big… They mum- recipient. They ask for a ing your loneliness, it kicks later, you have grown sprouts back to check this is real, but your mouth knocks all your ble something about it being clue as to what could be in- you in the face and runs off, from your ears and can it’s actually your supervisor teeth out, so you are stuck meant for ‘the other one’; I side; you respond that it’s a leaving you stranded in the only communicate through standing disgusted in front with dentures for the rest of think there’s something they lucky dip... They aren’t ex- barren wilderness of TFL strange clucking noises. of you. your life. Congratulations! might not be telling you… actly grateful. zone 9. CAPRICORN SAGITTARIUS AQUARIUS SCORPIO PISCES LIBRA

This week Santa comes to This week you have 100 This week you are so cold This week Venus is in its 4th This week you go carol singing This week, you have to choose visit! You can’t believe he’s coursework deadlines tomor- that you consume a large house and Mars is bright, for charity and shat by accident. between moisturising with gra- actually real and hasten to row and have only completed amount of anti-freeze to keep which means that you’re going Every note you sing makes the vy or eating 100 leftover brussel offer him a mince pie and one of them so far. You’re even your blood from freezing. As to be savaged by a stray wolf acute squelchy sensation in sprouts for breakfast until Christ- mulled wine. Turns out he’s worse off than Jay-Z because your insides slowly dissolve and get rejected from all your your pants more uncomfortable mas. On the one hand, gravy really a burglar and steals you have 99 problems (sheets) and you burn from inside out, job applications. At least you and shaking your collecting tin could be quite benefi cial to your your MacBook, iPhone, TV, but you don’t have any bitches you refl ect that at least it is can blame the stars for the fact agitates the warm goo, mak- skin being nutrient-rich, while AND toastie maker. The only either. You won’t make a good the faster and warmer way to that you are still unemployed, ing it trickle down your trouser sprouts make you fart. On the present he leaves is a shit on scientist or a good gangsta; die. In hindsight though, you and use it as an excuse to go leg. Eventually it leaks into your other hand, it would be cold and your carpet. Happy Christ- you should probably practise probably should have just travelling until the economic cli- shoe and you call it a day, hav- slimy, and sprouts are healthy mas! fl ipping burgers. turned the heating on. mate improves i.e. indefi nitely. ing collected about 20p. too. What’s it going to be? 50 FRIDAY 07 DECEMBER

Puzzles Commanders: Sotirios Karamitsos, PUZZLES Louisa Byrne [email protected] Christmas Wordsearch Ophis

Fill the cells with a con--     tinuous line that enters andd K S U A L C A T N A S S N C S Y N R O J 4 exits at the shown points,s,  N Z U V E G E T A B L E S H T A O U D B does not pass through a celll twice and passes throughh S T O C K I N G D C E S L O A D T D E L 6 all white boxes. The num--  G E G S R C S F A R B A E C B G R O C I bers show you how manyy times the “snake” turns inn 4 N L I P L R I A S A R L I O L N A L E T a given row or column, andd    I U F E P A L M H N U E G L E I I F M Z the arrows show you wheree it enters and leaves the grid.. 6 K Y T C A C E I E B S C H A P X N P B E It’s just like a nonogram, ex--    T S S I N K N L R E S N S T A O S R E N cept it’s not. 4

U T N A T E T Y B R E E H E T B N E R F  

R H O L O R N T E R L W E C O W E S Z R 6     T G I S M S I I T Y S R P O L P H E P A 4 L I T S I I G V H E P A H I L O H N M N This is a turn. This is not.      E L A T M N H I L N R E E N E T C T I K   4 D Y R U E T T T E M O Y R S S A N S N I This is Neither is this. O R O F S H T A H I U W D Y E T E L C N not allowed. 62 344426 1 6 V I C F T E E N E H T E S O V O R L E C

E A E I E A M G M C S N B T E E F E P E

S F D N E I O R E I N D E E R S X B I N

Y U F G W R C L I F F R I C H A R D E S Suko Slitherlink Okay guys, I swear this is the last new puzzle for quite Just... one... more... Draw a single closed loop by joining the D R A T S U C H R I S T M A S Y V I S E a while, and I’m totally not putting it here to fi ll space dots (no diagonals!) so that the numbered squares are sur- or anything. The idea is to fi ll the squares with digits rounded by the corresponding number of lines. from 1-9 (using each one only once) so that the num- bers in the circles are equal to the sum of the four 2 223 1 bells ivy vegetables surrounding squares and that each coloured set of fairylights stable dasher squares sums to the corresponding number. 3 2 3 santaclaus christmas potatoes bethlehem kings wencelas    1 22 2 1 family stocking december sellotape CliffRichard presents 3 3 blitzen mincepies yule Frankincense stuffi ng decorations  23 30 3 1 2 3 1 3 shepherds comet reindeer boxingday nativity eve 2 2 1 1 2 frenchhens sweets rudolf silentnight crackers  1318 1 3 2 221 brusselsprouts newyear gifts toys 3 0 2 2 3 sleigh cranberry chimney notrains 1 3 3 2 1 22 intheair turtledoves specials custard 12 23 10 2 22 chocolatecoins pantomimes Hashi FUCWIT Knights and Knaves League Table Knights 2 2 2 11Connect all the islands During the insanity epidemic, insane knights were admitted to the island’s insane asylum, with bridges so that you TEAMS populated by doctors and inmates (all of which are knights). Knights are honest, so sane can get from any island knights tell the truth, but insane knights believe false statements, so they honestly lie! to any other one. There TTBumbles 29 1 1 5 2 are restrictions, though: Epiphenomenal Imbroglii 28 Inspector Craig visited the asylum once. He was greeted by the head doctor. “We’ve lined 44 2 the bridges have to be Sexy Beasts 3 up all the patients and the doctors in a 99-person line. They will be happy to answer any either vertical or hori- questions.” Craig walked up to the fi rst man in line and asked him, “Who is insane here?” “I 1 246 zonal and they must not INDIVIDUALS believe he is sane!” he said, pointing at the head doctor. Craig went on to the second man 11 13intersect. You can have in line and asked the same question. “I believe that I believe that the man in front of me is up to two bridges be- Yufan Zhao 58 off his gourd!” he exclaimed. Craig continued with the third man, asking the same question. 3 5 3 3 2 tween any two islands Wael Aljeshi 28 “Why, I believe that I believe that I believe that the man in front of me is just a bit mad.” 3 and, last but not least, M-Soup 16 2 22 each island must have Jake Humphrey 12 The investigation continued in the same vein, as each man accused the man in front of him 3 5 2 13exactly as many bridges Gordon Wu 8 of being insane, but adding another “I believe that” in front, resulting in some rather long as the number on it Tan Wei Jie 3 statements. In addition to that, the penultimate man also claimed that the man behind him 11states. Jason Parmar 2 was insane. Craig thought for a bit. He asked the head, “Who is a doctor and who is a patient 332 Cosmin Badea 1 here?” “Oh”, the doctor replied, “the man you asked fi rst is a patient, and the second man 2 3 was a doctor, and it just alternated from there.” Just then, Craig realised something horrible. Send answers to puzzles.felix@ imperial.ac.uk. What? FRIDAY 07 DECEMBER 51

Puzzles Commanders: Sotirios Karamitsos Louisa Byrne PUZZLES [email protected] ‘Tis the season to be festive Last week’s

Solutions 1 1 1 6 3 5 2 Crossword

8 2 4 1 5 8 1 1 6 9 2 6 3 6 1 11 8 7 2 2 2 F A C E B O O K C E

4 4 3 4 2 1 12 3 6 2 1 7 3 6 2 1 8 2 3 2 2 5 5 2 A E A V M A D O N N A

S O R R Y A A L T 16 4 10 11 7 13 11 9 5 3 4 13 12 8 1 15 12 4 11 3 7 6 6 3 8 13 3 2 3 10 H T B L A C K B O A R D 1 1 1 11 2 1 1 1 4 10 9 2 2 7 13 2 2 4 9 7 10 1 1 1 6 6 1 1 1 6 I R A T E H R U O 1 1 2 1 1 2 1 1 5 O I N T E L E G R A P H 2 N O N A G R A M A S Y 1 1 2 1 1 2 1 1 5 R R K C D A 1 1 2 1 1 2 1 1 1 1 3 A N I M A T E C H A R R E D A V A C H E U U 17 8 1 4 S M I L E W H I R L E D L 5 E A A H R A G T 9 16 1 A N A T O M Y P A S S I V E 2 10 10 5 6 T E I E E N R E X H A L E D R U G B Y 16 13 7 4 22 1 8 Nonogram

9 5 1 12 6

5 1 2 1 14

1 7 1 2 5 2 1 7 1 2 3

2 1 2 1 7 1 3

7 1 2 1 7 12 1 2 1 2

1 8 6 1 1 2

14 6

30 8 21 2 Knights and Knaves 22 3 2 2 The Mayor knew the types of the two pas- sers-by, but didn’t know who was who, so 2 12 8 1 they were of different types. The only possi- 24 1 ble combinations which don’t lead to a con- tradiction are (Knight, Tourist), (Tourist, 11 12 1 Knight), (Knave, Knight), (Tourist, Knave). 10 Now, the Mayor must have answered “yes” 8 3 when I asked him if knowing whether he fi gued out who was who would help me 6 solve the puzzle (since I did solve it). If he 4 could fi gure it out, then we can rule out the Knight-Tourist combination, and we can’t

2 solve it, so the Mayor must have not been 6 able to fi gure out who was who, and we fi nd that the two fellows are a Knight and a 4 3 3 6 3 3 Tourist, although we can’t know who’s who.

month subscriptions per week to give away to the lucky winners who suc- cessfully complete the most puzzles correctly. Send your answers to puz- [email protected] to be in with Netflix is the world’s leading inter- a chance of winning. net subscription service which gives you access to hundreds of thousands of films and TV series at the click of Visit netflix.com/uk for more infor- a button and they’ve given us 2 six mation 52 FRIDAY 07 DECEMBER

Sport Editors: Oli Benton, SPORT Margot Pikovsky, Sorcha Cotter [email protected] IC Football get hot and sweaty in Brighton

Tour Secretary Spencer Bennett at the burger and chips sneaked onto his plate, Ogunbiyi’s love of Chicken Airborne rangers began to assemble drew the attentions of the door staff . in our illustrious union from 1PM on Fortunately, before the riot van was Friday 16th November. An impromptu called, the bouncer settled the argu- Nando’s wade left our stomachs full ment by sharing Ogunbiyi’s love of the of chicken, our appetites whetted for meat and silencing Cann. Meanwhile, the weekend ahead and our dreamy Murphy had decided the hostel was ex-club captain alone. As the tour- too far away and sought alternative ac- ists arrived and the fi rst beers of the commodation with a sea view (in the weekend were consumed there was Library) and Stillwell and McGrath at- one notable absentee: an extremely tempted to fake the death of Watkin. late drop out by Dale, citing commit- Friends and family of Watkin were said ments to his biological studies, left the to be convinced by a text stating “I am congregation delighted. Th e pengest dead” much to Watkin’s amusement. A of tour shirts were distributed and the late night episode of George Bizzell’s most entertaining of journeys began. story time was the perfect end to an It is rare that the two worlds of pub- eventful evening. lic transport and ICUAFC’s fi rst sport On Sunday morning the airborne collide but when they do carnage is rangers were woken by shouts of certain to ensue: Train Box was met “come in, it’s open!” and the Sun with bewilderment by commuters, streaming in through the windows awkward smiles by young mothers and of the hostel whilst a heated debate delight by the present airborne rang- over the age old question of sitting or ers. A bout of silent box and a lullaby standing erupted in room 105. Th ere of Bohemian Rhapsody, led by Wat- If football had given us a higher res pic we was just time for a stroll along the sea- kin’s soothing tones, sent the baby to could’ve zoomed in. You still couldn’t see his front and a trip to Brighton’s famous sleep whilst an origami swan was pre- penis though... Ohhh burn pier where plastic horses amused for sented meaning public relations were hours, Dabbagh was successful on the maintained and Rochester will never teddy picker and Lambe and Bennett again pass a CRB check. By our arrival ICUAFC’s big game against Brighton McGrath. Th e second coming of Mur- noeuvre that become known as “Th e duelled on an air hockey table: it was in Brighton whistles had been whet- and Hove Medical School. Peacock phy (to the Library) swung the game crab”. Tensions between two of the a cagey aff air with neither player really ted and mini tour had well and truly gave room 15 a treat and they were back into ICs favour and, with a rela- party’s ethnic minorities rose leading dominating the early stages with the began. Th e bus to the hostel involved scarred by the view. From the after- tively small amount of time remaining, to an exchange of bodily fl uids whilst turning point being an extraordinary a rousing rendition of airborne ranger noon’s forced pints the group headed IC made the decisive breakthrough. Adelowo had a night to forget end- triple wall bounce goal to which Ben- whilst a failed Klinsmann attempt by to the game. Th anks to Bennett’s ex- Butt played a trademark outside of the ing up being assaulted by his own bed nett had no reply. Before we knew it Stillwell left onlookers wincing. ceptional knowledge of his hometown foot pass wide to Maizonnier whose after making some bold and slightly we had left the sea air behind us and Our fi rst night in the beautiful city and ability to fend off multiple ques- deep cross from the right was met at disturbing claims. As eyes became returned to London with new Face- began with matchbox pairs leading to tions with ease we arrived at the venue the back post by a marauding Jarvis bleary and thoughts turned to bed a book friends, relationships in tatters widespread animosity between fresh- promptly and with Bennett’s house who volleyed home impeccably. Cel- late night breakfast wade was clearly and some sights we may never be able ers and old boys. An exception to this still unfound. 36 man headers and Vol- ebrations resembling a game of FIFA in order. Whilst Dabbagh marvelled to forget. was the pairing of Murphy and Watkin leys, a patented Smithy warm-up and (other football simulators are avail- who struck up a certain romance (in shouts of “TK Maxx” left the squad able (but are shit)) left no doubt over the library). Pints of the dirtiest vari- raring to go. Th e game started as a cag- which team had put the most prepa- ety were consumed. Murphy, think- ey aff air with Beasley’s work rate being ration into the game. Th e fi nal whistle CHRISTMAS ing this punishment was not enough, questioned and Bizzell failing to hit sounded and IC were victorious. Man decided to provide his own natural any barn doors with his trusty banjo. of the match was awarded to Mason punishment (in the Library). Th e dis- Th e game changed with the introduc- for his tireless standing and saving SYNCHRONISED appearance of this pint remains one of tion of Cann. Refusing to rest on past whilst McGrath’s insightful tactics, the many weekend’s mysteries. Th en, tour successes Cann brought a breath most notably the pioneering 3-3-1-3 dancing shoes were donned and the of fresh air to proceedings and he un- formation, were deservedly praised. SWIMMING group headed out to one of Brighton’s doubtedly had some involvement in However, as we headed out Ma- premier venues where highlights in- ICs fi rst goal which Maizonnier fi n- son’s mind must still have been on his TASTER SESSION cluded knee slides and Wright’s frank ished with aplomb after a swift break- fi ne performance as his box play was confessions to a member of the oppo- away and through ball from Mur- atrocious much to Bennett’s disgust. + SHOW site sex. Bennett and Dabbagh decided phy (from the Library). Cue delight Meanwhile, Murphy and Watkin ex- 7pm-9pm it was their lucky night and headed out amongst the 25 subs/backroom staff / changed wedding vows over Jaeger into the night to win big. Th e casino’s fans. Stillwell’s introduction only tight- bombs (in the Library), the captain Wed 12th Dec security guards had other ideas. Af- ened Cann’s grip on the game and IC player relationship between Stillwell ter a civilised exchange of views, one reached half time with a comfortable and Lawson completely broke down St Mary’s Pool, particularly frustrated bouncer took it 1-0 lead. Wholesale changes at half- with a moist outcome and Wright Praed Street upon himself to violently throw Dab- time led to IC losing their fl ow slightly reacted violently to all the fun (fortu- bagh from the roof of the tallest build- despite Stillwell’s tireless eff orts and nately medical professionals were on ing in Brighton (although on further well-timed challenges in midfi eld. As hand). ICUAFC showed their creative inspection of the sight of the crime the pressure on the IC goal mounted side by producing a work of art. No- it became clear that the fall had been the medics made it count as their table contributors included Maizon- wildly exaggerated). Th e absence of striker evaded the attentions of Wright nier, Murphy and Butt who eloquently Schon at the hostel set minds rac- and fi red his shot through the legs of named their creation “cubicle three”. Come learn synchro and watch our show! ing about the potential for providing the otherwise outstanding Mason in Searle was determined to make the shoulders to cry on leading to his re- goal. Th e disgust of Bennett as he left most of the night, after some crafty Pay what you can appearance being greeted with mixed the pitch epitomised the frustration of watch work allowed him free entry, For more info: emotions. the team. Cue another round of sub- and set about repelling the female [email protected] Th e Saturday of the weekend saw stitutions from Milo “the tinker man” population of Brighton with a ma- www.union.ic.ac.uk/rcc/synchroswimming FRIDAY 07 DECEMBER 53

Sport Editors: Oli Benton, Margot Pikovsky, Sorcha Cotter SPORT [email protected] The bigger they are; Kings get smashed Jonnie Clowes Hockey Honary Secretary peach of a pass out wide to Meat Spin kicked the ball in. Th at was the second who played a deft one-two with Y.Bag let off for IC and they were determined before winning a penalty corner. Cum- that they wouldn’t need a third. my B received the ball at the top of the Hitting KCL on the counter attack Many of you may have read the article circle, drew two defenders before play- from a short corner that was magnifi - written by the Hockey Club Captain ing an under arm pass to Fresher Tim cently blocked by Soggy, IC won a short last week referencing the email writ- who smashed the ball home into the far corner of their own. Th e corner rou- ten to the Imperial 2s captain by the corner of the goal. Th e IC players went tine broke down but the ball eventually KCL 1s captain. Th e email undoubtedly mad celebrating and, still buzzing from found its way to Y.Bag who played a showed unsportsmanlike behaviour on their moment of glory, nearly allowed dangerous ball in that was defl ected in the part of the KCL captain but also KCL to hit straight back. by a KCL defender. Not wanting to sit gave the 2s even more motivation to go Poor defending allowed the KCL on their two goal lead, IC grew in con- out there and show KCL exactly what striker a free shot from less than 6 fi dence and began to push KCl deeper they are made of. yards. Goalie, Sifter, rushed out to and deeper into their own half. Several Th e task ahead of the 2s was undoubt- smother the initial shot before jumping chances fell to IC players with Strap-On edly a daunting one. KCL 1s are 3 BUCs back to his feet and diving right to keep one of many players guilty of poor fi n- leagues above them, pushing for the out the rebound. Two further rebounds ishing. LUSL Premier Division title and were followed with the fi rst being blocked by KCL had put 3 past the IC 1s in the coming off the back of a 4-0 victory the keepers out stretched stick and the last 10 minutes of the game the previ- over IC 1s, but therein lies the beauty of Hockey man love. Standard latter beaten away by his outstretched ous week and so IC knew the threat that the cup. Th e chance for the underdogs hand. Th e ball eventually found its they still posed. KCL decided to have to shine, pull off that great upset, win way to a KCL player no more than 3 one last roll of the dice and pushed men against all the odds and, above all else, near post. If the 2s didn’t know they circle met by Fresher Tim, running at yards from an open goal only for him forwards. A rocket of a ball was played enjoy playing the sport they love on a were in for a tough match beforehand, full pace, for a fi rst time shot that was to inexplicably play the ball millimetres straight through the heart of the IC grand stage. Each and every player in they did now. tipped over the cross bar. wide of the post. Th is was the shock defence only for the IC keeper to once the 2s team knew what the game meant. Undaunted by their slow start, the With the KCL defence looking rat- to the system that IC needed and they again be on hand to make a double save. Win, and they had pulled off the biggest 2s got to work at what they do best. tled, IC pushed on. Strikers Brickney stepped up their game to see off the rest KCL’s frustration began to tell and, after cup upset of the year so far, lose, and Simple yet eff ective passing moves be- and Fresher Jay-Zed were full of run- of the half with no major scares. numerous off ences, they went down to they could hold their heads up high and gan to unlock the KCL defence. Every ning upfront giving the KCL defenders At the start of the second half, KCL ten men after a player was sent off for say they gave it their all. player on the pitch was happy to re- a torrid time tracking them. Cummy B came out with a renewed vigour. Th ey repeated stick tackles. Th is spelt the Th e pre-match warm up was unfor- ceive the ball under pressure knowing was creative as the attacking midfi elder pushed forwards looking for the equal- end of any threat they still posed to the tunately non-existent due to a frozen that a teammate was there to receive knowing that Old Man Mikey was be- iser and no more than 5 minutes into IC clean sheet. pitch and late location change but the the next pass. Th e 2s fl uid style of play hind him to mop up any loose ball that the second half they nearly had it. Slick At the fi nal whistle the IC players rousing pre-match speech delivered soon gave them their fi rst opportunity. should come his way. However the KCL play down the right hand side say a were elated at avenging the IC 1s loss; by injured captain Jimmy S was all the A quick free hit taken by B. Tablet at the team still looked dangerous going for- cross whipped in leaving an unmarked the KCL team were shell shocked by warm up the boys needed. With keeper back gave Fresher Alex space to run at ward and the IC defence had to be on player to slot the ball home. However, their 2-0 defeat. Th e biggest cup upset Sifter still putting on his helmet and the KCL defence. After skinning two their toes. What happened next was IC protested that the ball had come off of the year so far had just occurred, I gloves, the umpires started the game. players he pulled the ball back for the defi nitely not in the KCL script. the player’s foot but with the umpire say so far as IC 2s face UCL 1s in the Instantly KCL 1s were on the attack on rushing Tinkerbell, again playing IC centre back, Soggy, decided he unsighted he was unable to make a quarter fi nals next term. So to echo and looking to put the game to bed in his unique position of creative cen- had had enough of marking his man call. Th en followed a display of sports- the words of the ICHC Club Captain, early. Barely having adjusted his helmet, tre back. A square ball found the ever (which he doesn’t like doing at the best manship not previously shown by whether it be in the league or the cup, Sifter was called into action after some reliable Strap-On on the left fl ank who of times) and stepped in front to cut out KCL; when questioned by the umpire, just remember, the bigger they are, the slack defending with a smart save at his delivered a peach of a ball into the KCL a dangerous through ball. He played a the KCL striker admitted that he had harder they fall.

ICHC Womens 1s win against all odds

Sports Editor Sorcha Cotter at Portsmouth and forcing them to head for showers. make some bad tackles giving us some At half-time we knew that Ports- possession in our attacking third, but mouth would come out attacking, but On the very cold afternoon on to no avail. We had some good passes with our pirate spirits we took to the Wednesday the 5th December we around the back from Celia, Kirsty, pitch ready to defend all fl anks. Almost went out to face a team that had not Emma and Maria who were able to get immediately they were on the attack only beaten but really thrashed us at the ball down the side-lines allowing Ju- but one of their players literally ‘hit-the- the beginning of the season 7-0. It was les, Kirsten and Anna some close break- deck’ and we had to wait for the injury not an exciting prospect with a captain aways in our attack. We earned an early to be sorted. Th e second half was a very Gigi having now become captain hook short-corner but it seems that the naked tough aff air but some tight marking Pirate Hockey. Wtf. and only able to watch from the side- boys running around the pitch were a of their central midfi eld by Hazman lines after breaking her hand a few distraction to our usual scoring duo and and fresher Bryony and fresher Hay- weeks ago. We have also been strug- we narrowly missed the goal. Finally we ley took their main strengths out of back foot with a relentless attack from ised that we had won! Th e entire team gling though a few injuries and were broke their defence with 5 minutes to the game. Some insane interceptions the Portsmouth girls. Th e voices on the played amazingly and all the girls depleted due to the usual end of term go of the fi rst half giving Sorcha a one- from Celia led to a give-and-go run all side-lines were getting higher and high- should be so proud of the achievement. deadlines. But we set out with nothing on-one opportunity against the keeper. the way down the pitch with Sorcha er as 3 successive goal lines saves were Th is was one of the best team perfor- to lose; at least we looked better than Th eir keeper appeared stunned and supporting and our resident peg-leg made by Emma and Bryony. Th anks to mances we’ve had this year and just the mottled purple of Portsmouth! didn’t move as Sorcha carefully slotted (Celia) almost scoring a fantastic goal our very own Will Turner-goalkeeper shows the distance we have come over Th e game started tentatively from the ball past her giving the team a mi- from her sweeper position! Needless to Purcy was saving us all with her con- the past few months! Th ere were some both teams with the possession fairly raculous boast as we were unexpectedly say we needed her in defence and she tinuous clearances, preventing our ship very merry pirates celebrating in the even and staying around the centre of ahead! Unfortunately we hadn’t been really battled though pain to hold of from sinking! union later. Hopefully we can carry this the pitch. With some screaming from able to impress the crowd of Men’s 3s defending unit together for the rest of Our defence managed to hold out spirit into next term with the return of the side-line we push on running hard who had decided moments earlier to the game. We were undoubtedly on the until the fi nal whistle when we real- our captain. 54 FRIDAY 07 DECEMBER

Sport Editors: Oli Benton, SPORT Margot Pikovsky, Sorcha Cotter [email protected] Netball girls on a roll Felix Sport gets the lowdown on netball’s continued success

Sports Writer Toni Semmence QM 2nds. IC 3rds are currently hold- competition such as UCL 3rds, both ing a strong mid-table position and teams are in comfortable positions. with some strong play in the return Th e 4ths and 5ths also share the same ICUNC have had a fantastic start to fi xtures, promotion is still on the league and are again in comfortable the season especially in the BUCS cards. In the new LUSL league IC positions in the league. Unfortunate- leagues, with the 1sts currently 2nd in have 5 teams competing for the fi rst ly ICUNC have yet to fi nd a sponsor their league and with promotion still time. Th e 1sts are currently mid-table this year, and who wouldn’t want to very much in their grasps. in the premier division, but are the sponsor 60 beautiful, intelligent la- Th e 2nds are still joint top and pro- only IC team left in the LUSL cup. dies like ourselves. Watch this space motion could easily come down to Th e 2nds and 3rds share the same for news on our upcoming Netball the last game of the season against league alongside some very tough Funday; it’s going to be wild! Reach! Climb every mountain! Reach! Reach for the moon!

being made by both teams but IC The final quarter was almost a for- IC 1s vs LSE 3s managed to gain a small advantage. mality; the play dipped in quality as court and an over zealous shooter got In the second quarter with some the win became inevitable and some IC 3s vs KCL 3s the best of Laura, and she went tum- amazing interceptions by Verity very silly mistakes were made. The bling slamming her knee into the ce- Last Monday IC 1sts played in their Roberts and Sophie Andrew in de- target of 80 wasn’t quite reached but Th e day started off eventfully, with ment, which could be heard from the second LUSL cup match of the sea- fence the game flowed a little more everyone was pleased with a final snow delaying all trains to Egham. other side of the court. Play stopped son against LSE 3rds in Ethos. With a and IC started to pull ahead. Tereze score of IC 70, LSE 23. The 1sts next When we arrived with 7 players, al- and she was carried by 6 people, in- few key players missing Nancy Edge Gaile and Amelia Al-Qazzaz were LUSL cup match is against Royal ready at a disadvantage, crossing our cluding both umpires, off the court. and Amelia Al-Qazzaz stepped up steadily bringing the ball from de- Holloway 1sts in January, which fi ngers there would be no other in- She managed to bandage herself up to the plate having their first team fence to attack and IC was on a roll promises to be a slightly more chal- cidents, two of our players were told (what do medics need 6 years for?) debuts. With the centre court be- finishing the quarter well ahead. lenging game. The IC 1sts are flying they couldn’t play because of pierc- and play continued with only 6 players. ing completely re-modelled no one In the third quarter the team re- the flag for imperial as they are the ings that needed to be taken out. Ac- Two goals were scored in quick suc- was quite sure how the team would ally did start to shine. Nancy Edge last IC (non-medic) netball team in cording to said players these piercings cession, showing RHUL that we were a perform and this showed in a shaky provided some perfect passes into a cup this season so make sure you were ‘impossible’ to take out. ‘You force to be reckoned with. Th at quarter first quarter. The passing was slow the circle and Tamar Loach was on come and support them if you get a need pliers’ ‘you can push it through ended with RHUL 21-14. and inaccurate with many mistakes fire (as usual) never missing a shot! chance. my ear’ ‘someone just pull it out’ Laura had managed to create a band- ‘there’s blood’. After multiple attempts age strong enough to hold what was we managed, as a team, to remove all left of her knee together and hobbled Th e 3rd quarter came and we all earrings and play commenced as the on court. Despite her injuries she man- started to relax a bit, the game wasn’t clock struck 3, with the Sun blinding aged some fantastic interceptions, very intense and we were ahead by players eyes even in the freezing con- causing players and umpires to applaud Either someone submitted an enough. Catherine Burrows employed ditions. her courage and determination. Th e action shot or my vision is a new “pencil jumping” technique that Th e fi rst quarter started off event- fourth quarter opened with a swift in- blurry was hugely eff ective against their goal fully with some strong interceptions terception from Kate, leading to a goal shooter, and she was almost cut out of from new player Kirstin and some for IC. Th e game ended as the last of the game. Great shooting from both good shooting from Izzie. Th e score at the sun disappeared behind the trees, Beverly Tsang and Harriet Rumgay en- the end of the quarter didn’t refl ect the with a disappointing loss for IC, but sured that every opportunity was tak- level of competition with them leading ready and full of fury to take on Brunel en, although we did have some fancy 13-8. In the second quarter, the slippy 6s next Wednesday. footwork from Harriet who seemed to think we were doing some dancing. Semmence’s cyborg ankle It was the fi nal quarter and RHUL makes another appearence had just been promised Nando’s by their coach if they managed to get it back and win, unfortunately no one Rolfe. It was clear that our new “fl ing a was off ering to take IC out for din- limb” tactic was working, with IC arms ner for being consistently awesome. IC 2s vs RHUL 3s fl ailing everywhere we were making it Sloppy play and agitation from RHUL diffi cult for RHUL to string together meant that goal attack was blown up On Monday IC 2nds took on RHUL any signifi cant number of passes. for contacting Toni Semmence a lot, 3rds away, and it truly was away. A Th e second quarter started off well but no amount of bruises were go- tube, two trains and a 12 minute walk with about 5 goals in a row from IC, ing to make IC back down now. If we later we arrived. Funny that this was impressive cross-court dives from Re- weren’t getting Nando’s no one would a LUSL game for London Universities becca Tyne ensured that no loose ball be.v Domineering play in the centre and we were playing in Kent some- went to waste. RHUL 3rds were slow court from Abigail Johnston Hume en- where, needless to say we were very un- to pick up on our pattern of play and sured that our lead only increased. Un- impressed. With freezing cold temper- centres repeatedly went from Abi, to fortunately the fi nal score is currently atures and only 7 players, we weren’t Beverley, to Emily, to Harriet to goal. unknown because as soon as the fi nal exactly excited about the next hour. At this point the umpires decided to whistle blew IC were off court, grab- Th e fi rst quarter started out slowly become extra strict on our team and bing our stuff and sprinting to the train with the cold clearly taking its toll on we were called up for some very du- station so we didn’t have to wait half an everyone’s brain function, neither bious “ball control.” However, a lack hour for the next train. A rash shout IC nor RHUL had anything much to of keeping up with the new rules also by Toni stating she” knew which car- shout about. We started to pull away worked in our favour with RHUL’s GD riage to get on so we have to walk less capitalising on RHUL mistakes, thanks being blown up for marking off court. at Wimbledon” ended up being a 100% to some fantastic interceptions from, Th e end of the second quarter and we wrong and IC 2nds were forced to walk smallest player on the team, Emily were pulling further away. the entire length of the platform. FRIDAY 07 DECEMBER 55

Sport Editors: Oli Benton, Margot Pikovsky, Sorcha Cotter SPORT [email protected] Bowled over by Tenpin

Ka Hin Chan Secretary the winner from the group stage. dent handicap division! More spectac- ‘It has been a historical moment for ularly, Xin Yan Goh and Gabriel Lim the Imperial team to enter the fi nals won the female and male high handi- Having already achieved impressive for the very fi rst time.’ Team Captain cap games. It was also astonishing to 13.5-2.5 and 9-7 victories over South- Kelvin Wong said, ‘Every member of witness two 300-perfect games being ampton and last year runners-up my team has put their full eff ort into bowled by other members of the team Portsmouth, Imperial Tenpin Bowl- bowling. I have a lot of faith in them that day. ing has had a promising start to the to once again be outstanding in the With experience comes confi dence; year. Portsmouth and Southampton, fi nals.’ we know the road ahead and are ready having suff ered their defeat on Sun- In the same month, Imperial Trios to face even stronger opponents and day 11th November in Newbury, must hosted the fi rst Order of Merit tourna- pressure. We look forward to the now wait to fi nd out who can enter the ment organised by Imperial, Romford, BUCS Championship this coming BUTBA Cup fi nals, while IC had au- North-East London. Th ree teams were February in hopes of achieving even tomatically qualifi ed. With the strong sent from Imperial, bringing together better results than last year: most support of the best bowlers in Lon- both students and alumni bowlers, stunningly our women’s team won don, Matt Miller and Mike Quarry, and IC came away with some incred- second. If you are interested in sup- the Imperial team is getting well-pre- ible performances. Much congratu- porting us, drop us an email at ten- pared as we make our way to our fi rst lations to one of our teams, Xin Yan [email protected] or join our Face- ever tournament fi nals, which will be Goh, Gabriel Lim, and Gavin Lai, who book group, Imperial College Tenpin Pinheads against Sheffi eld, Loughborough and were placed fi rst runner-up in the stu- Bowling Soc 2012-13.

Savvy Stickwork Spells Victory for Lacrosse

Hannah Tullett 2nd Team VC Fourth and fi nal quarter and Impe- rial acknowledged that Reading were feeling the pressure. Stick checks Wednesday 4th December brought were becoming dodgy, but our policy the Ladies 1st Lacrosse team a bril- was to keep our play clean. Defender liant win following a 16-4 score fi n- Shosh Krasner-Macleod in regaining ish against the University of Reading. ball possession took a swipe to the Braving sub-zero degree weather, face, but undeterred, she played on, the ladies fi rst lacrosse team trekked leading to Abi scoring goals 14 and to Reading for their fi nal match of 15. Playing up from the Imperial la- the term. Th e bright sunshine was crosse 2’s, Hannah Tullett stuck close deceptive: it did nothing but produce to her Reading player and again, no glare on the pitch. Layering and sun- goals were conceded during this fi nal glasses were key in equal measure. quarter. Imo scored three goals and Th e match kicked off with fresher Oli one in the last quarter, producing Lexi Wisentaner in centre. Her fi rst an impressive fi nal score of 16-4. draw went straight to teammate Oli Wednesday was not the fi rst time Morley, who ran it down the pitch Imperial had met Reading, and it towards the Reading goal. In rapid was admitted that their side had im- succession, the fi rst three goals were proved immensely. It took an equal- scored by Liv Sinclair, Captain Lizzie ised fi rst quarter to prompt the Im- Allen and Oli Morley, with shots on perial side to really up their game and goal by Cat Hedley and Lexi. Very make use of some stunning tactics. soon though it was the turn of Im- Th is result in the fi nal match of term perial’s defensive side to be put to was a testament to the hard work of the test and by the end of the quar- Captain Lizzie Allen and Vice Imo ter Reading had equalised: the score Simmonds, and the invaluable team standing at 3-3. work the Imperial ladies have used to For the 2nd quarter, Imperial tight- take them up to second place in the ened up its defence. Players Abi See the pervert behind league. Th e team look ahead to next Murugesh-Warren and Bex Singh them? term, to continue and expand upon double-teamed their Reading player their eff orts, and where a hoped-for to regain possession of the ball. Lexi victory against Royal Holloway will transported the ball down the pitch, Huddling close in half-time the easily converted. later, some impressive team-play take them to the top. barging past many a defender, and Imperial side reviewed their situa- Seconds after the whistle had been gave Imperial the edge: Imo took the Man-of-the-match, awarded both after some settle play around the fan, tion. Defence had not conceded a blown in the third quarter, Imo Sim- ball behind the Reading goal, Lydia by Reading and Imperial, went to Imo Simmonds scored goal number goal in the previous quarter, and the monds scored her second goal of Uden made a cut in front, and scored Imo Simmonds. Dick-of-the-day was four. Hannah Brooks and Lydia Uden double-team technique was deemed the match. Shortly after however, off a quick-sticks pass. Clearly under also awarded to the Vice Captain, doubled dangerous number 10, re- eff ective. On the attacking side, in Reading gained and held possession, pressure, the Reading side made a when it was noted in a moment of leasing the ball for Rachel Castola addition to six successful goals, sev- working the fan around goalkeeper foul stick swipe to Imo’s head. Knees heated match play that she had man- to recover and pass to goalie Gaby eral failed shots on goal had been Gaby Prager. Our goalkeeper and de- bent and eyes focused on the goal, aged to hit herself in the head with Prager for the clear. Bex took the made. Captain Lizzie Allen stressed fenders withstood the pressure, and Imo took the free ball at the head of her own stick. Th ree shots later, it ball up the wing and by half-time, a the importance of making decisive when the ball fi nally turned back over the fan. Th e ball hit its mark in the is needless to say that she was a fair further two goals by Oli Morley had cuts through the fan, and that the fi - to Imperial, Abi Murugesh-Warren back of the net and a whistle prompt- bit woozy on that long minibus ride brought the score up to 6-3. nal pass before shooting be safe and rapidly took the 8th goal. Moments ly signalled the quarter. home… 07/12/12 Issue 1534 felixonline.co.uk

SPORT “Keep the Cat Free” ICU Dance salsa to success

Alex Mason Sports Writer of instruction and coaching, it is un- events such as Céilidh at Burns Night. surprising that this year’s team captain Laith, the Salsa instructor, was twice the won every competition she entered at British National Salsa champion in the As the Imperial Dance team celebrate intermediate level in the 2011-12 sea- period 2004-06. Th ere are also enchant- another success at Nottingham’s Var- son, and this year is competing in the ing socials including the Winter Ball sity 2012, there’s no better time to learn Ex-Student advanced level category; and Spring Ball in which there are live Th is is a little daunting for most peo- or that a former Imperial beginners’ bands and top professional performer ple. It was most apparent to me when couple, Natasha and Stefano reached demonstrations. Th e annual “Imperial I attended a wedding recently in which the top 24 in the Blackpool ballroom Come Dancing” competition is hosted the groom was unable to lead his wife rankings; or indeed that historically – in which professors and senior Union in a slow waltz. We seem to be ap- the Imperial beginners team has been staff from across Imperial team up with proaching a situation in which the tra- the most successful at the competi- couples from the ICU Dance team, and ditional, refi ned and tasteful style of tions since the 1990’s, with three cou- are taught how to dance, and a host of impressing the punters with a quirky ples qualifying for the Latin fi nal and other mind-blowingly glamorous black Quickstep, winning their hearts with two for the ballroom fi nal at this year’s tie events all accompanied by dedicated an impassioned Argentine Tango, or Nottingham Varsity Ball competition semi-professional photographers to setting the fl oor on fi re with an energis- on 24th November. On average a be- capture those key moments, take place ing Jive, have long been forgotten in the ginners’ team couple from Imperial throughout the calendar. realm of the younger generations. In- will win at least three of the fi ve com- As a university team, overall Imperial stead, many such functions these days petitions entered every three years. averages around third in the national I see you baby, shaking that ass... are more oriented towards entertaining Continued success is promoted be- competitions, only to Oxford and a rowdy bunch of party-seekers after a yond university as well, with the Impe- Cambridge. No other institution comes rave and a whiskey rather than a whisk ful training and conditioning. But it is and is still gaining momentum, as one rial College Dance Alumni Association close; but is it not time to prove to Ox- and chassé. Have we just become lazy? surely worthwhile for the impression, of the most successful and recognised (ICDAA). bridge that we are better than they? In times past, ballroom dancing was the glamour, excitement and unpre- competition series in any discipline un- Dance Society is not only about Ball- So, instead of just watching a bunch of social dancing for the privileged; the dictability. Ballroom, Latin and social dertaken by university students. room and Latin however. Dancers are blundering inelegant thrill-seekers on lower classes were left with folk danc- dancing are a beautiful spectacle, but in Th e ICU Dance Society is historically coached in social dancers such as Salsa, Strictly and pretending to be impressed ing. Th e modern waltz is derived from modern times they seem not to enjoy the largest and one of the most pres- Swing and Argentine Tango, regularly because your parents are watching, the Renaissance dance the Volta; it ar- the same popularity and appreciation tigious and well-endowed societies at perform in major showcases includ- isn’t it time to dust of the shiny black rived in England in around 1812, and they used to be met with in the younger Imperial, currently with over 200 mem- ing Mega Maalai and East Meets West, shoes, fasten the cuffl inks and blitz that was met with great opposition due generations. Despite this, in the UK bers competing regularly or just danc- and even participate in classic external dance fl oor? to the impropriety of the closed hold. there are currently around 30,000 peo- ing for leisure. It is also one of the most In the early 20th Century there was a ple regularly competing at local, na- active. Th ose new to Ballroom and movement towards dances where cou- tional or international level, from ama- Latin dancing can join the beginners’ ples moved independently, and many teur to professional, of which around team, which enters fi ve competitions newly invented dances arose with the 14,000 of these are in the university throughout the year, including three growing popularity of Jazz. Many of the circle. Of course, these fi gures have regional events, and the Southern Uni- well-known Latin dances originated in greatly proliferated since around 2004 versity and Inter-Varsity Dance Com- African and Central American regions with the advent of Strictly Come Danc- petitions (SUDA and IVDA), the lat- but in 1910, a diverse assemblage of ing. Competition between universities ter taking place at the magnifi cent and professional ballet teachers and musi- has been manifest in the UK for over prestigious Blackpool Winter Gardens cians came together and standardised 40 years. In the 1960’s, a dance teacher Ballroom, an internationally renowned the curriculum used today. In modern from the society at the University of venue which has held everything from competitions dancers are assessed on Manchester thought it would be bet- political conferences to pop concerts. poise, frame and posture, musical- ter if his students were able to compete ICU Dance has a reputation for pro- ity and expression, timing, body align- against those from other universities, in ducing top quality dancers, many of ment and shape, fl oor craft, foot and the knowledge that many other univer- whom go on to dance professionally, leg action, and presentation. It is the sities in the UK also had teams. In this and coach new, up-coming talent. One product of dedication and a great deal way, the modern inter-university com- such example is Arman Sahovic, who of sometimes – in fact, often – pain- petition was formed as it exists today, with his partner Maria Naumchenko won the national championships in ballroom twice and in Latin once, and ranked in the top 100 according to the Blackpool rankings (the most famous in the world). Th e outstanding level of talent, performance and activity within ICU Dance also attracts the very best in external professional coaching, with in- ternationally reputed teachers such as Elena Plescenco, who was eight times Portuguese National champion, and is currently ranked in the top 48 in Latin, and Snow Draper, who reached the semi-fi nal of the Blackpool champion- Watch out goatee man! The ships in ballroom and was ranked in Such a serious face girl in red is going to pounce! the top 10 in the world. With this level