Friday, March 29, 2002 Tech students fight vio- April Fools’ strikes again! AprilApril TECHNIQUE lence! WAM holds annual Check inside for all the unbe- “The South’s Liveliest College Newspaper” Take Back the Night event. lievable Tech news. FoolsFools ONLINE http://cyberbuzz.gatech.edu/technique NEWS page 3 TÉCNICA inside Serving Georgia Tech since 1911 • Volume 87, Issue 28 • 36 pages This is the real news. Inside you will find the fake news—lies, scandal, satire, parody, etc.
Carter awarded Massey wins SGAAPr Presidency Ivan Allen prize By Jody Shaw News Editor
The Ivan Allen College awarded former United States President Jimmy Carter the second annual Ivan Allen, Jr. Prize for Progress and Service at its Founder’s Day celebration last Friday. Following the pre- sentation of the prize, Carter addressed a Student Center ballroom filled with stu- dents, faculty, and distinguished guests. The event started off as an invite-only luncheon. Ivan Allen College Dean Sue Rosser welcomed the guests, and Thomas Lux, the new Bourne Chair of Poetry in the School of Literature, Communication and Culture, read a commemorative poem be- fore they enjoyed the meal. Afterwards, IAC Associate Dean Richard Barke reflect- ed on former Mayor Ivan Allen, Jr., the namesake of the college and award. In explaining the award, Barke noted By Daniel Uhlig / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS By Daniel Uhlig / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS that both Allen and Carter “represent the Executive Vice President Nate Watson (l) congratulates President-Elect Tiffany Tiffany Massey embraces Dean of Students Gail ideals of progress and serves that this prize Massey on her election victory. The two will lead next year’s SGA executive board. DiSabitino after learning of her election victory. celebrates.” The phrase “Progress and Ser- vice” is also the official Tech motto found By Tony Kluemper I could have sworn it was going last year and it didn’t happen.” strong presidential candidates on the Institute seal. Assistant News Editor to be a runoff,” said Massey af- In one of the least contested helped to increase voter turn- Institute President Wayne Clough and ter she had been informed she UHR elections in recent histo- out. “The presidential race drives Rosser then jointly presented the award to Once the polls were closed had received a majority of the ry, voter turnout was surpris- the election and voter turnout,” President Carter. Clough took special joy and votes counted, SGA presi- vote. The two other candidates, ingly high. Over 3,000 students said Kavanaugh. “And this year’s in the occasion, noting that Carter and he dential candidate Tiffany Mas- E.W. Looney and Andrew Keen, voted in the presidential elec- candidates were all strong can- were “both born in rural south Georgia, sey was elected to the office in a received 26% and 13% of the tion which is up from just over didates who campaigned very and both tell similar stories of coming to landslide victory. The victory vote respectively. 2,000 last year. This year’s 3,183 hard.” Atlanta to study at Georgia Tech.” marks the first time since 1993 Current SGA president Chris votes respresent most cast in any Massey felt that her campaign Carter then thanked the crowd for the that a woman was elected to the Kavanaugh remarked that al- SGA election in Tech’s history. benefited the most from the in- honor by first discussing his relationship position and the first time in though many were expecting a Many of the candidates were creased number of voters because with Allen. Tech history that an African- runoff, he wasn’t surprised since surprised by the high number of she worked to those voters who “I would probably never have been Pres- American has been chosen as a similar thing happened in last voters, but Massey offered a rea- normally wouldn’t vote. ident had it not been for Ivan Allen, Martin Undergraduate SGA president. year’s elections. son for such a high percentage. “I think I campaigned really Luther King, Jr. and just a few other peo- In the end, the three-way pres- “[I was] not [surprised] at all, “I’m surprised that we got 32% hard,” said Massey. “I think I ple. idential race, which many pre- since something similar happened of the student body to vote,” was really passionate about the Carter the discussed his memories from dicted would result in a runoff, last year,” said Kavanaugh. “I said Massey. things I wanted to do and peo- the time he attended Tech. Though he ended up being a huge victory learned [last year] never to ex- “But I think that the cam- ple saw that in me and support- only spend one year at the Institute before for Massey , who captured 59% pect anything.” paigning was really effective be- ed me.” transferring, Carter noted how special it of the vote. Massey herself was “Although we had three strong cause it reached out to people Besides the presidential race, was. surprised that the election didn’t candidates and everyone thought who may not have known about the other highly contested race See Carter, page 3 end in a runoff. there was going to be a runoff, the election otherwise.” “I’m just really excited cause everyone thought the same thing Kavanaugh agreed that the See Elections, page 2 RHA elects President Bush visits GTRI, addresses nation new President By Matthew Bryan of duty.” Editor-in-Chief Bush’s speech drew mixed In Wednesday’s RHA elec- reviews from students in atten- tions Ryan Spanier was elect- On Wednesday President dance. Chris Holster, a fourth- ed to replace Jason Wang as George W. Bush became the first year Industrial Engineering president. Joining Spanier on U.S. president to recognize Geor- major, said, “It was a lot like the executive board are Jason gia Tech’s research achievements many of his speeches I had heard Hurley as vice-president, Irene with a presidential visit. Bush before…it seemed pretty stan- Gung as secretary and An- witnessed a demonstration of dard.” Lainey Mathison, a first- drew Howard as treasurer. several technologies developed year Industrial Engineer, said, at the Tech-housed Center for “I think he is an amazing speak- Culture Fest Emergency Response Technol- er. He gets in touch with the ogy, Instruction and Policy be- crowd a lot.” kicks off fore speaking about homeland Most students were just hap- security to an audience of first- py to be present at what was Georgia Tech celebrates response firefighters and police- supposed to be an invitation- the diversity of its student body men, local residents and students only affair. “I was honored to with a week-long festival of at Tech’s O’Keefe gymnasium. have the opportunity to see the numerous free events start- The Georgia Tech Research president speak,” said second- ing today. This year's theme Institute’s CERTIP showcased year Biomedical Engineering is “Around the World in Nine five new technologies as part of major Adam Guyer. Days.” The event runs their Project Atlanta disaster ex- Guyer, Mathison and Hol- through April 6. For more ercise. On the demonstration ster were part of a handful of information about the events Bush said, “I particularly want students who lucked into the of the festival, please go to By Robert Hill / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS to thank the guy who they cut chance to see the president. The www.culturefest.info or vis- President George W. Bush visited Georgia Tech on Wednesday. He saw some of his clothes off and ran through it the Office of International GTRI’s antiterrorism technology before giving a short address from O’Keefe Gym. water...that goes beyond the call See Bush, page 3 Education. 2 • Friday, March 29, 2002 • Technique NEWS
students also approved three SGA in the election dealt with the addi- Technique Online Elections from page 1 Constitutional amendments on this tion of Equal Opportunity language Voice Your Opinion! year’s slate. to the Constitution of SGA. The in this year’s election was that for The first of the amendments amendments provided for Equal Last issue’s poll garnered 44 responses to the question: Freshmen Representative. Although passed increases the number of jus- Opportunity to all members of stu- “How often do you go to shows at the Ferst Center?” four of the five spots were filled tices on the UJC from ten to twelve dent organizations on campus. through the original election, two as well as allows justices to hear UHR members hope that the candidates tied for the fifth and fi- cases during the summer. In addi- amendments will prevent SGA and nal spot. Due to the tie, an eventual student organizations from discrim- winner between Michael Lehman inating against students based on and Danny Puckett, who both re- “race, gender, national origin, eth- ceived 344 votes, must be decided. “This year’s nicity, age, religion, sexual orienta- The runoff will be next Monday candidates were all tion, disability or handicap.” and Tuesday. Now that the votes have been In the vice-presidential election, strong candidates counted, the next step is for the the lone candidate, current SGA who campaigned election committee to review any Vice-President Nate Watson, won reported election violations. How- his reelection bid with just under very hard.” ever, according to Kavanaugh, for 3,000 votes. Chris Kavanaugh the first time in recent history no Both Massey and Watson hope Outgoing SGA President violations have been reported at this to accomplish the plans they an- time. nounced in their campaigns. In the end, Kavanaugh feels that “[I plan to start working on ] all next’s year Undergraduate House the things that I set out to do: start tion, the amendment allows for an will experience great success. “We’re meeting with administrators, get a interim Chief Justice to be named going to have a great Undergradu-
Image by Ian Clark / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS strategic plan, get the right people in the case of an emergency. The ate House and a great executive This week’s online poll is about the SGA presidential election. Were in place and then go for it,” said amendment was proposed to allow branch [next year],” said Kavanaugh. you surpised by the outcome? Tell us what you think at Massey. the UJC more flexibility in hearing “I feel that the committee chairs www.cyberbuzz.gatech.edu/technique. In addition to the selection of cases. chosen will be strong and the House SGA officers and representatives, The final two amendments passed overall will be strong as well.” sliver Move over Poopick, the new big tool on campus is Spanier RHA Elections: The Biggest Tools, Because YOU Matter Jason Hurley, the real ANAK candidate Watson's rules of order are now on sell for $9.95 "She looks so good it hurts some- times." John Mayer baby Why is Joel "The Hippie TA" still around? If you ever complain about not having the Hope Scholarship, talk to an Out-of-State student. Bend over for the cost of Out-of- State tuition. Good job at calling about this weekend. Thanks a lot. I'm giv- ing up. Could have just told me you don't like me. Hope you're damned proud of yourself. A Papa John coupon in the March 22nd issue of "Technique" ex- pired in February! Beat me till I'm smarter. Remember the time that my mom pulled out of the driveway at 2 am to search the neighborhood for us while we were smoking pot in the Porta-Potty? You said f**k that s**t! The Technique News section: we write things that we are afraid to put our names on Hmmm....How about a news fea- ture on journalistic integrity? Wait...the Nique doesn't know much about that thanks for 6 months... no regrets Honey Bunches of Oats: Your REAL Proof of Purchase is a Big Morning Smile! HAPPY BIRTHAY, to the old Greybeal Sarah is 23, but we still love her I hate April Fool's, I'm just not funny! I am going to ride that BiiTCH and your going to take pictures! BOX NEWS Technique • Friday, March 29, 2002 • 3 4 • Friday, March 29, 2002 • Technique NEWS Monday, April 1, 2002
Dance Dance Urination? Was it a “pick or a scratch”? TÉCNICA Student Center video game President Clough faces contro- “The Soused Libelous College Newspaper” violated by vandals. versy involving nose picking. ONLINE http://cyberbuzz.gatech.edu/technique NOOSE page 5 NOOSE page 3 Serving your mom since last night • Volume 1, Issue 1 • 32 pages Onions 6 · Hocus-Focus 13 · Whoa Hey Now 19 · Comics 26 · ‘Orts 32
Crossword scandal rockssT Tech Hill makes senior By Captain Morgan misconduct have been forward- Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!! ed to the Office of the Dean of finals optional Students. Senior Associate Dean Técnica Entertainment Edi- of Students Karen Boyd will lead By Heavy Petting tor Andrew Santelli recently re- the investigation. No offense ladies... ported 187 students to the Office “This is supposed to be a myth. of the Dean of Students for sus- There are people who believe In a surprising landmark decision, the pected cheating on the weekly that Cheatfinder's a myth,” said Faculty Senate ruled unanimously to once crossword puzzle in the “South’s Boyd. again allow graduating seniors to exempt Liveliest.” Santelli used the pow- “Even after the computer sci- their final exams. This 300 year old tradi- ers of the College of Comput- ence violations, it’s obvious that tion was abolished last year when Faculty ing’s Cheatfinder Evelyn a number of students still be- Senate members decided to up Tech’s ranking Rosencrantz (see page 4) to un- lieve that the Cheatfinder is a to compete for a top five spot on the list of cover the cheating. myth. Let this be a warning. Eve- hardest school’s in the country, a decision “I had Dr. Rosenkrantz po- lyn exists, and she will find you, that many now regret. sition herself in strategic classes no matter what you cheat on. “We really wanted to give the seniors the where students normally com- She’ll be there. And then once freedom and break they deserve,” said Pro- plete the Técnica crossword— she find’s you, you get to see me. fessor Ed Thomas, member of the Execu- mostly Friday afternoon and And you know what I’m going tive Committee within the Faculty Senate. Monday morning lectures, es- to do with you,” said Boyd, foam- “Besides, it’s less exams for the professors to pecially those in the Instructional ing at the mouth. Boyd was quick- grade, and they’re really happy about that, Center,” said Santelli. ly restrained by Assistant Dean which means less students in my office com- Rosencrantz found all sorts of Students Stephanie Ray and plaining and more time for professors to of possible violations through- Dean of Students Gail DiSabiti- throw down at the end-of-year faculty square out her three weeks of observa- no. dance.” tions. Boyd said that the crossword However, this decision does not come “They were looking at each cheaters, if found guilty could without a price for students. In exchange other’s puzzles, using dictionar- face a number of possible pun- for the reinstatement of senior exam ex- ies, and even peeking at the an- ishments. emptions, professors demanded that dead swers listed in the newspaper,” “First time offenders will week be renamed to Alive Week, which said Rosenkrantz. probably be banished from read- would allow them to add additional projects, “There was all sorts of unau- ing the Technique crossword for By Ian Clark / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS papers and tests to this normally extreme thorized collaboration as well.” The Cheatfinder has moved on from monitoring CS students. lull in the academic semester schedule. The cases of possible academic See Cheating, page 4 Técnica crossword is at the center of the most recent scandal. “I’m thrilled that dead week is now alive,” said Dr. Jimmy Staff, a biochemphysics- math professor. “I just love assigning ten- page papers and saving tests especially for Crack discovered in Parking Director’s car that week; it gives me such an academic high.” By Parky McTicket body out there looking at [the crack problems in the past year,” tivities of ticketing, booting, Students, on the other hand, have mixed Crack Correspondent columns] to do this repair work, said Meyers. shafting, turning students up- feelings about the trade off. “I’m excited we might have never seen [the “We were able to fix the North side-down to empty their pock- about not having to take exams,” said Deke An engineering firm inspect- problem],” said Meyers. Campus Parking Deck, and we ets, and making young females Askew, building construction senior. “But ing the Student Center Parking Upon the discovery, Weis will soon solve the crack prob- cry would be interrupted,” said making dead week alive doesn’t really make Deck recently discovered crack asked for indefinite leave from lem in the Student Center Deck. Meyers. me a happy camper.” in the automobile belonging to the Institute. Certainly we can solve this latest Once the treatment begins, In response to the Faculty Senate’s tradeoff Director of Parking and Trans- “I apologize for any damage problem.” Weis should be back working in decision, the Student Government Associ- portation Rod Weis. This latest I have caused the Institute, and I Like repairs to the Student the near future. He and the deck ation has formed an emergency committee finding follows the recent dis- hope to be back working for stu- Center Deck, however, Weis’ should be back to fully opera- that will appeal the move to President Wayne covery of cracks in the parking dents again in the near future,” treatment will be delayed until tional status within thirty days Clough and the Board of Regents if neces- deck itself that occurred earlier said Weis. the end of the semester. Meyers time. sary. in the month. The crack came Meyers plans to see that the and others in Auxiliary Services “This is not a complicated “We’ve worked really hard to make dead as a surprise to Associate Vice embattled director solves his crack felt that it would be too disrup- situation,” said Weis. President of Auxiliary Services problem. tive to allow Weis to leave im- Rosalind Meyers. “We at Auxiliary Services have mediately. Don’t look for more information See Finals, page 5 “If we did not have some- been dealing with all kinds of “Without Rod, our daily ac- about this since it is not true. SGA charters Binge Drinkers Terrorist squirrels invade abandoned Hightower By Jorge Shrub run.” The Undergraduate Stu- INTA extrodinaire Squirrels also flung themselves dent Government Association from trees onto the backs of flee- recently charted the Binge In a devastating terrorist at- ing students. Drinking Students Associa- tack yesterday, over 1,000 squir- “There was definitely hatred tion on Tuesday. The club rels seized control of Skiles in those beady little eyes,” said holds its first meeting next Walkway. Simultaneously, a Chemistry major Marie Curie. Friday at 7 p.m. in the GTS- second group of some 200-300 Curie received severe lacerations mart office—BYOB. squirrels invaded the Hightow- when a squirrel jumped onto er Building, sending panic-strick- her face. 47 other students were Clough ends en students and professors treated for cuts while fifteen re- running in fear for their lives. ceived treatment for acorn-re- FASET program “I was walking to class, and lated concussions. All are being all of the sudden, this giant mass tested for rabies infection. President Wayne Clough of squirrels appeared out of the Officials believe the terrorist announced his decision to dis- bushes and came galloping to- squirrels chose to attack the High- band the FASET program on ward me,” said Rand Omguy. tower Building because numer- Wednesday. The program will “It was terrifying,” said Under- ous broken windows and gaping be replaced with a new ori- graduate Student Government holes in the ceiling and walls entation program involving President Chris Kavanaugh. made the facility an easy target. ritualistic drinking, massive “[The squirrels] were shrieking, “It was a classic ‘low technolo By Steve Marik / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS hazing, and sleep deprivation and I could see their teeth, like Groups of squirrels have recently invaded the abandoned Hightower building on to better acclimate students. little fangs. All I could do was See Attack, page 2 campus. Many are speculating that the squirrels could be undercover terrorists. NEWS Technique • Friday, March 29, 2002 • 5
Técnica Online Voice Your Opinion! Tech unveils new ‘Master Shaft’ plan Last issue’s poll garnered 2,000 responses to the question: By Mid L. Finger quire the current building to be de- may even find a greater apprecia- “What do you think Clough is doing in the picture?” This is a bouquet molished, a new foundation to be tion for the squirrels than our gen- laid, and the reconstruction of a eration ever did,” Sophomore Ben In a surprise statement made yes- larger facility. The move would take Scrood said. terday, Vice President of Adminis- approximately 22 years. Many members of the adminis- tration and Finance Bob Thompson Although the completion time tration also foresee benefits to the announced what he called, “the per- for the construction seems long, decision. fect complement to the Greek Mas- “There isn’t a better plan like ter Plan, The Master Shaft.” it,” said Associate Vice President of Thompson informed adminis- Auxiliary Services Rosalind Mey- tration, faculty and students that “We want to offer the ers. “It isn’t fair that only the frater- because of a squirrel’s nest over- shafting to all students nities get to be shafted [with the looking the side of the Student Center Greek Master Plan]. We want Tech near Ferst Drive, the president of alike, regardless of to offer the shafting to all students the Institute did not put Tech’s wild- their involvement in alike, regardless of involvement in life into harm’s way by keeping the Greek life.” building in its current location. Greek life.” “Only then can our school truly “True, we could have asked the Rosalind Meyers boast that we provide equal oppor- squirrel politely to leave the area, Auxiliary Services Queen tunity,” said Meyers. but you tell me how anyone could Tech is currently seeking ideas have said no to them. I instantly fell for the new name of the reconstructed in love with the baby squirrels when student center, though some ad- Image by Iam Bark / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS I looked into their eyes,” Thomp- many students are still looking at ministrators have ideas already. This week is a fake newspaper; therefore, there is nothing for me to son said. the brighter side. “I think I’ll name it after one of say here. There is, however, a real poll for next week, so go take it at The relocation of the Student “I’m not crazy about the deci- the squirrels,” Thompson said. www.cyberbuzz.gatech.edu/technique. For fun see www.nique.com. Center ten feet north towards the sion, but at least my kids will enjoy Meyers, of course, proposed nam- Ferst Center for the Arts would re- being in the new building. They ing the building after herself.
Attack from page 1 with Techs.” could vaporize significant numbers fling heat.” tempting to create an acorn-based Clough ordered an immediate of squirrels. Confidential sources As each room is cleared, teams biological weapon.” gy, high concept’ attack,” said CS response, calling in National Guard also confirmed that Auxiliary Ser- of CIA and FBI agents pour over “I don’t think that our local gray major Noi Tal. troops, AH-64D Apache Longbows, vices is planning air drops of food recovered documents and charred squirrel population could have or- President Wayne Clough, speak- Paladin self-propelled Howitzers and rations to civilian, noncombatant squirrel remains for evidence. ganized such a coordinated effort ing from an undisclosed location B-1B Lancer bombers to help GT squirrels that may be caught in the “We’ve found fake Buzzcards and alone,” said Boyd. Based on inter- on West Campus, condemned the police officers combat the terrorist war zone. squirrel terrorist manuals,” said Se- cepted squirrel communications, she attacks as “cowardly terrorist acts,” squirrels. At least 53 squirrels were “At this point, the enemy has nior Associate Dean of Students believes they had help from out-of- saying the squirrels had connections killed in a fierce gun battle lasting withdrawn and remains holed up Karen Boyd, who is spearheading state red squirrels, and possibly sev- to Al Qaeda. He promised swift through the night. Two officers re- inside the Hightower Building,” said the criminal investigation. “We’ve eral foreign flying squirrels. retribution. ceived minor injuries. Lt. N. Bonaparte. “We are attempt- even uncovered evidence that the Fighting could continue for weeks, “These squirrels are evildoers,” Military aircraft dropped numer- ing to clear the building room by squirrels were planning suicide at- and even then, the squirrel threat he said, “and evildoers are doers of ous laser-guided weapons and at least room, but we’re operating in cave- tacks on our golf carts and Stinger could linger. “Squirrel ‘sleeper cells’ evil. These evildoing squirrels are one BLU-82 “Daisy Cutter” bomb. like conditions. There’s very poor buses. It’s also possible, and I stress could be anywhere,” said Boyd. “We part of an axis of evil. Don’t mess These bombs weigh 15,000 lbs and lighting in that building, and sti- possible, that the squirrels were at- can’t stop them all.” 6 • Friday, March 29, 2002 • Technique NEWS Clough insists “it was a scratch” Roz Meyers elected By Whatta Golddigger Revive the Capital Campaign next ‘Nica Editor In a recent appearance before the Undergraduate House of Rep- By Ranfor Editor bara Wilson gave her the publica- resentatives, President Wayne Roz stole my job tion and editorial experience she Clough found himself in a pinch— lacked in previous years when the or perhaps it was more of a pick. In a somewhat surprising move Board considered her. While fielding heated questions Wendesday afternoon, the Georgia “We have wanted Roz in this from Biology Representatives Brad Tech’s Board of Student Publica- position for years, but she always Bolton, who was shouting from a tions decided to elect Associate Vice lacked the necessary publications table while dressed in traditional President of Auxiliary Services Ro- experience. Now that Auxiliary Ser- African tribal attire, Clough appeared salind Meyers the next Editor-in- vices has started to publish its own visibly agitated. In one moment of Chief of the Técnica. Meyers becomes biased rag of a newsletter, we felt thought he placed his hand close to the first non-student Editor-in-Chief that she was now the complete pack- the entrance of his nose. Now stu- in Técnica history. age,” said Moore. dents and administrators alike are “We felt that Rosalind possessed Meyers already named Wilson debating whether or not the Presi- the combination of tenacious will her Managing Editor. In that ca- dent was picking or scratching. and political tact necessary to be a pacity, she will aid in the day-to- “I know President Clough,” said successful Editor-in-Chief,” said day administration of the newspaper, Undergraduate Student Govern- Carole Moore, Chair of the Board along with the other section edi- ment President Chris Kavanaugh. of Student Pub- tors. Meyer’s “I firmly believe that he was lications. long-time do- scratching not picking. He’s just Though boy Student not a picker.” Meyers did not “I am honored to be Center Director Other members of the Under- actually apply for named the next Editor- Rich Steele ap- graduate House seemed to agree with the job, the peared outraged Kavanaugh, though many remain members of the in-Chief of the at Meyers’ unsure. Board felt that Técnica.” choice of Wilson “He very well might have been none of the stu- as her main as- picking his nose,” said Public Poli- dent applicants Rosalind Meyers sistant. cy Representative Vladimir Lenin. were qualified Editor-Elect “I “But hey, I can’t blame him. enough to be ap- thought we had Sometimes you just have to pick it. pointed Editor. something spe- I know when my bald head starts to They felt that cial. I thought itch, I have to scratch it—no matter By Brian Oxford / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS Meyers, who has years of experi- she cared. I thought...,” said Steele, where I am or who is around.” Controversy now surrounds President Clough after an incident last week ence running departments at Tech trailing off as tears ran down his According to spin doctors at In- revealed he may be a “nose picker.” ICPA insists it was merely a scratch. and other universities, could easily face. Steele plans to leave Tech and stitute Communications and Pub- manage the small newspaper staff, actually use the Chemical Engineer- lic Affairs, Clough was not picking, etration; therefore, it was clearly a The “pick or scratch” incident and they offered the job to her early ing degree he earned from the Insti- nor has he ever picked. scratch of the nasal area rather than has made national headlines. The Wednesday morning. tute in 1985. “President Clough often thinks a pick of the nasal cavity.” former producers of the hit NBC After a few hours of thought Meyers plans to revamp the en- by scratching his nose. He is an Members of the Georgia Tech show Seinfeld were on campus Meyers took the job. tire newspaper. The new sections honest decent man who would nev- Foundation, however, are not so Wednesday to offer Clough a star- “I am honored to be named the will be Happy Housing, Postive er pick in public,” said Tech Spin worried about whether or not ring role in a new sitcom about a next Editor-in-Chief of the Técni- Parking, Delicious Dinning, and Doctor and personal Clough lacky Clough’s exploration was a pick or university president. ca, and I believe I will be able to Bodacious Bookstore. The section Bob Harty. a scratch. The basis of the show will be balance my responsibilities as Edi- editors will be the current heads of Earlier in the week, President “He did an incredible job run- Clough’s day-to-day adventures. He tor and my responsibilities as Aux- those respective divisions of Auxil- Clough issued this written state- ning the capital campaign, so I’m will go through his daily motions iliary Services Queen very well,” said iary Services. In addition to acting ment. sure he can dig a little gold of his and make humorous quips about Meyers. as Editor-in-Chief, Meyers will also “I want the Georgia Tech com- own,” said John Carter, Executive normal events. The Board also felt that Meyers act as Opinions Editor, though the munity to know that it was a scratch, Director of the Georgia Tech Foun- The first issue will be based on experience producing “The Buzz” name the name of the section will not a pick. There was no nasal pen dation. the UHR incident. with student relations director Bar- change to “Meyers’ Mouthpiece.” NEWS Technique • Friday, March 29, 2002 • 7
Granny revealed as real CS ‘Cheatfinder’ Cheating from page 1 the remainder of the semester. Stu- By A. Richard Gosinja the workload presented to her. I dents who have previous instances I’ve got a rash in my pee-pee area asked if she would be interested in of academic misconduct will face working for Parking. She laughed, harsher sentences, however,” said In a special agreement, College saying that there was no saving that Boyd. of Computing Dean Peter Freeman department.” For example, Boyd plans to sin- and Dean of Students Gail DiS- Having a background in com- gle-handedly spank every second- abitino gave members of Técnica a puter science also helped Rosen- time cheating offender. firsthand look at the “Cheatfinder” krantz in her mission. She feels that “These kids are not too old for program that caught many CS stu- CS students have too much lenien- me to take them over my knee,” dents last semester. To many peo- cy in their choices to turn in home- said Boyd. ple’s amazement, the Cheatfinder work. If Boyd’s hands tire from spank- was not a program, but actually a “In my day, we had to walk 50 ing, however, she plans to tie the person. miles in the snow chased by Com- repeat cheaters to the Campanile Dr. Evelyn munists to feed and allow other students publicly Rosenkrantz is our punchcard stone them while squirrels pick at the face behind “And we liked it!” programs into a their eyeballs. the name. A Pro- UNIVAC. And In order to expedite the adjudi- fessor of Math- Evelyn Rosenkrantz we liked it,” said cation process, the Dean of Stu- ematics from Cheatfinder Rosenkrantz. dents office has added a number of MIT and retired “We new positions. A group of trained director of logis- didn’t have it like monkeys has been hired to handle tics for the government, Rosenkrantz these new students. They get to turn the investigations. decided to come back to work after their homework in over the inter- “The monkeys are really doing hearing the rash of incidences at net or via email. And they get to type an incredible job investigating all of other colleges. Only after getting their responses. Give me binhex any the cases. Sam is doing great too,” permission from the CoC and DiS- day.” said Boyd. abitino could Rosenkrantz heavily Rosenkrantz believes that her Former GTSmart official Sam pour over the CS homework and efforts will engage the students to Becknell has been transferred to the quizzes to find cheaters. work harder and smarter at her home- Dean’s office to aid in the cleaning “I felt that we needed a person to work: “there’s no easy way out for a of the monkey cages. really curb the cheaters in the CoC. good grade. I worked day in and This latest cheating incident adds Rosenkrantz was very enthusiastic day out in a cotton mill breathing to a laundry list of embarrassing when she came to me with her Cheat- god knows what only to turn around occurrences at the Institute this year finder idea. After the coaching fias- and go to school for ten hours a day. related to honor and integrity. The co, Tech needed something to boost And we liked it.” trend upsets Honor Advisory Coun- its image,” said DiSabitino. With the exposure that Rosen- cil Chair Sara Cames. DiSabitino allocated several of- krantz has received through the Téc- “These people are wrong—just fice spaces in the lower levels of the nica, she still doesn’t worry about wrong. We must strive for a com- CoC for Rosenkrantz to make a too many students coming to talk munity where academic honesty is flow chart and relationship diagram to her. “Just remember-sooner or the norm, wealth is evenly distrib- to pinpoint CS cheaters. later you’re going to have to take By Sofa King / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS uted, and social justice is a reality “I was quite impressed by Dr. CS. Try to bother me, and I’ll wind Evelyn Rosenkrantz relaxes after completing an assignment. Rosenkrantz for people. Goddammit,” said Rosenkrantz’s efficiency to handle up NARCing you out.” may look innocent, but hundreds of Tech students now know otherwise. Cames. 8 • Friday, March 29, 2002 • Technique NEWS
Finals from page 1 Vandals deface DDR, nerds vow revenge week dead, so this is very upset- By Anthony James ting,” said Chris Kavanaugh, SGA Likes to mumble President with a huffy Vice Presi- dent Nate Watson nodding in agree- Vandals struck the Student Cen- ment over his shoulder. ter last week, leaving the newest “Our committee is intent on fight- craze in video games out of service ing for student’s rights in the aca- and numerous Tech students dis- demic arena and especially with issues appointed. Apparently the incident concerning dead week. I’m glad took place late last Friday night, that the Senate decided to allow when two students urinated on the senior exam exemptions but, their new “Dance Dance Revolution” vid- demands to give life to dead week eo game, which had caught the in- are just unacceptable.” terest of many students since it was The hearing will most likely be installed earlier this semester. scheduled for the end of next week, According to the Student Cen- but a final decision will not be ready ter Director Rich Steele, the events until the beginning of fall semester. were discovered on Saturday morn- In the mean time, current seniors ing when the morning crew came slated to graduate in spring will get in to open the center. “I could not believe what had happened,” said Steele. “The smell was just unbe- lievable. They must have really drunk “Our committee is a lot before they broke in.” Steele doesn’t feel that the game intent on fighting for will be ready to play again anytime student’s rights.” in the near future. “This is a real tragedy for the Student Center and By Peter Jensen / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS Chris Kavanaugh the Tech community as a whole.” Da ‘Nique uncovered this photograph of students urinating on the “Dance Dance Revolution” video game. Tech SGA President According to police reports a large nerds have declared war against the assailants who ruined the closest thing they ever had to a girlfriend. amount of urine was found on and around the video game, leading some According to officials from the tions, they were definitely steps in goods are odd” and wondered how to speculate that this was a direct GT police department, no leads have the right direction. many normal guys there really were to reap the benefits of this new deci- threat to the very way of life of the yet surfaced as to who violated Dance “Those nerds make us look bad at Tech. “I can’t believe the game sion, making their semesters end on typical Tech nerd. Dance Revolution. However, the in front of the ladies,” said anony- was so popular,” said first year the last day of class April 2. “I can’t believe someone would Técnica has recently discovered un- mous S.A.T.N. member. “That game Management major Susie Want- “This is great! Now I can finally do this,” said second year CS major dercover photos of the assailants and had to be destroyed so that the nerds sass hung around the game frequently have time to make my trip to Dis- Iwana Getsome. “This was the only is asking anyone in the Tech com- would return to their computers while looking for a man. “Why would ney World before I have to start my outlet available for me to show my munity to come forward if they have and stop making such fools of them- someone want to dance with a game job,” said Ivanna Humpalot, who wild side and now it’s gone. Many any information about the incident. selves in front of everyone.” when they could be dancing with will be graduating in May. “Oh but other students agreed with Getsome Although no solid leads have sur- Many members of S.A.T.N. did me? I mean they almost ignored wait, I don’t have a job!” and vowed revenge against the stu- faced, many are speculating that the not agree with some member’s views. me.” Some students have not taken dents who preformed the acts. public urination could have been a “I felt that the game was a great Although not everyone agreed too kindly to the reinstitution of “This is such a travesty,” said result of the actions of a new cam- idea,” said first year Civil Engineer- with its usefulness, Dance Dance final exams. A small group of stu- first year Computer Engineering pus organization known as S.A.T.N. ing major Ben Dover. “With all of Revolution was a very important to dents led by Public Policy major major Ima Dork. “Dance Dance (Students Against Tech Nerds). The the nerds busy dancing with a stu- many student’s lives and GT Police Vladimir Lenin started a protest Revolution gave my life meaning organization is up for a charter by pid video game, it just increased the Chief Jack Vickery wants everyone outside Tech Tower. again. They destroyed it.” SGA at next week’s meeting and odds for all the normal guys out to know how serious these charges “Students of Tech unite,” said “The game was the closest thing therefore refused to comment. there. are. Lenin. “You have nothing to lose I’ve ever had to a girlfriend and now However, the Technique recent- However, many female students “These students didn’t just piss by your low GPAs.” it’s gone. I will not rest until those ly talked with one of S.A.T.N.’s felt that the game was a perfect ex- on a video game,” said Vickery. “They Lenin plans to protest outside responsible are brought to justice member, who wished to remain ample of the truth behind the old disrespected the entire Tech com- the Tower each day until the Board and made to suffer as much as I anonymous, who said that although saying “the odds are good, but the munity with their actions and should of Regents considers SGA’s appeal. have.” the group didn’t organize the ac- be punished accordingly.” page 6
Quote of the week: Editorial Board: ONIONS “Just kidding.” —Somebody funny Excitable Misunderstood Genius, Editor-in-Chief Técnica • Monday, April 1, 2002 Captain Morgan, News Editor Bridget Jones, Opinions Editor OUR VIEWS Consensus Opinion Tantric Colon, Focus Editor Mickey Mouse, Entertainment Editor Ron Jeremy, Sports Editor Gratuitous F-REEK, Photography Editor Shame both down and across Wang Hyung Leou, Advertising Manager The unforgivable has happened. Students have abused one Ultra-Chronic Monstah, Online Editor of the most revered services that the Técnica so generously Heavy Petting, Managing Editor provides. To hear that 187 students are suspected of cheating on the crossword puzzle is simply unimaginable. As everyone knows, the crossword puzzle is one of the most sacred time-wasting activities that exists today. But it is meant to be enjoyed by only one person at a time without any peeking at the answers on the other pages. It is outright sickening to think that almost 200 students disre- garded these essential rules and attempted to get answers dishonestly. Hopefully Ms. Rosencrantz will be swift and accurate in her detection of the actual cheaters. As far as punishment goes, since drawing and quartering someone is no longer an option, anyone found guilty of this unspeakable crime should be banned from even saying the word “técnica” in any context for the rest of their lives. A picky situation While nose-picking is often a necessary and, for some, even a soothing activity, you should never do it where anyone else ‘the Shaft at night’ can see you because then they will always remember you as GRATUITOUS F-REEK someone that picks their nose and will never want to shake your hand. Crack dealers should be allowed to recruit This is why it is shocking to see that President Clough made People nowadays make such a If you’ve never smoked crack, talents, they should encourage us to the unfortunate mistake of picking his nose in front of a large big deal about the dangers of smok- you probably don’t know what I’m go where the money is. And the ing nicotine cigarettes and how ad- talking about. No one could ever money is definitely in the crack busi- crowd of people. For someone so highly regarded to do some- dictive it is. I am, like many people, know the true essence of smoking ness. Have you seen the cars that thing so gross in public is disheartening, to say the least. adamantly opposed to the idea of crack without actually smoking it, these guys drive? I want a piece of And what does this say to students? This says that it is OK to anyone getting into the habit of smok- but once you do, you’ll quickly see that action. Why, then, is Tech not ing nicotine cigarettes. They turn just how great it is. Because smok- encouraging us to go for that big do crude things in public. If this becomes an accepted activity, your teeth yellow, make your breath ing crack is such a great thing to do, piece of the pie? what’s next? Armpit sniffing? Toenail clipping? Butt scratch- smell bad and they can even kill you’ll understand my disappoint- Everyone always talks about how ing? Where will it end? you. All of these things are very bad, ment at the lack of crack dealers at cigarettes are so bad for people, and and I would never support anyone this year’s career fairs. everyone agrees that it is a habit that When we’re out in public places, let’s all remember that that promoted the sale and use of I have gone to every career fair is not worth taking up. There are others can see what we do and save the really gross stuff for smoking regular cigarettes. that Tech has hosted this past year, anti-smoking advertisements on bill- when we’re at home with people who have to like us no matter I am, however, completely sup- and not one crack dealer was present boards and television every time you portive of people smoking crack. In at any of them. Talk about leaving turn around. However, cigarette how gross we are anyway. fact, I celebrate it. It is one of those out a golden little niche. companies are allowed to attend rare pleasures in life that is com- If Tech wants students to be en- Scary, scary squirrels pletely unmatched and unparalled. terprising and to capitalize on their See Crack, page 8 In a week of such shocking news perhaps the most shock- ing is the attack of the terrorist squirrels. The atmosphere on Skiles Walkway must have been a frightening one the entire time that the squirrels controlled Hightower. With all of the precautions that Tech has taken to ensure safety from human terrorists we neglected to consider a possi- ble attack by those dastardly terrorist squirrels. Though they are never the first terrorist group thought of, they are quite possibly the most violent and bloodthirsty group of terrorists in existence today. It is, of course, unfortunate that this attack happened. But the best that we can do now is learn from it and work to prevent such devastating attacks in the future. Skilled professionals must work to create detailed and deadly squirrel traps. Poisoned acorns also need to be devel- oped and placed on the outskirts of campus. Faulty tree branches should also be planted in certain trees. If plans such as these are put into action there is a good chance that Tech can avoid another such horrifying incident.
Consensus editorials reflect the majority opinion of the Editorial Board of the Técnica, but not necessarily the opinions of By Matt Norris / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS individual editors. And it’s all just one big joke, folks. ONIONS Técnica • Monday, April 1, 2002 • 7 Seclusion in an apartment brings about new revelationselations TECHNIQUE “The South’s Liveliest College Survivor, The Mole, Big Broth- Week III, day ii: Tragedy hits Newspaper” er. Forget realistic TV, I’m doing “I have decided to construct a when the cat gets hold of Selma and Established in 1911 realistic journalism. So I locked makeshift friend. Having no Spiff. They are never to be seen Editor-in-Chief myself in my apartment for a month again. In a crude attempt to scare Excitable Misunderstood Genius and am now bringing you my cov- volleyball, I turn to the next best away any other animals, we placed • • • erage of the grueling month I spent the cat’s head on a pike outside the thing—a Frisbee” News isolated in my apartment: apartment. My roommate’s going Captain Morgan, Editor Week I, day i: Purchased non- Wang Hyung Leou to be mad (the cat wasn’t mine). I Jim Beam, Assistant Editor perishable foodstuffs. Locked my- The Ads Bitch take the blame, as I left the tribes Opinions self into apartment. Vowed not to defenseless against the predators of Bridget Jones, Editor leave for a month. Realized I didn’t which they weren’t aware. Matt Norris have any reading material or cable. men. lapse exhausted. Week III, day iv: GT Sossigdad- Focus It’s gonna be a long month. Later: I play a game of charades Week II, day vii: I wake, red- dies wins the latest challenge in pre- Temporary Spastic, Editor Week I, day iv: Parents call, with Whammy. He has a limited eyed and with a sore throat. The paring roast cat. The cat’s a bit tough, Entertainment leaving message on answering ma- array of items to choose from for sun is out, mocking my depression but edible. Forget my roommate, Mickey Mouse, Editor chine. They ask about graduation. me to guess: dinner plate, record, with a day that is bright and sunny. PETA’s going to be mad. But it’s Sports Week I, day v: Parents call again, Frisbee, CD. Plus, he didn’t guess I fix a bowl of rice. The lights go off. survival of the fittest, and I don’t Ron Jeremy, Editor Pablo, Assistant Editor wondering why I haven’t called back. any of my clues: The Cabinet of Dr. In my failure to plan ahead, I forget think I’m going to resort to eating Joseph Jeong Cannot talk to them, as it would Caligari (movie), Yesterday, When I that I have not stepped out of my grubs. Production spoil my mission. My roommate Was Mad (song), or Gimme, Gimme, apartment to gather the mail, nor Week III, day vi: With Survi- Wang Hyung Leou, Advertising Mgr. thinks I’m a total freak. I’m starting Gimme (book). I blame myself for have I mailed off any bills. Thus, vor: Apartment in its last phases, it Whammy’s lack of culture. I only thinking that I have failed to pay, Copy Editing to hate ramen. appears that the voting has narrowed Jennifer Schur, Biggie Smalls, Week II, day iii: My roommate decided to anthropomorphize a Fris- Georgia Power has shut off my elec- down to two contestants: Patty and Tiffany Vliek has moved out, thinking I have lost bee a day earlier. tricity. Thank god my gas bill still Bill. In a surprise turn of events, Photography all signs of sanity. As I have no con- Week II, day vi: It’s raining. A works. they vote me out of the apartment. Gratuitous F-REEK, Editor tact with the outside world, I have thunderstorm carries on outside. Later: I search my closet and Their reasoning was that I was a big Wade Burch, Darkroom Mgr. Greasy Choirboy, Assistant Editor decided to construct a makeshift Whammy decides to inquire about find what I was looking for: my dork and they don’t know how I Baron Q. Lumiëre von Daguerrotype, VIII, Assistant Editor friend. Having no volleyball, I turn my love life. As I have been en- crate of Legos. I go about finding an could be a host of anything (saying Danielle Bradley, Brandon Cox, Charles to the next best thing—a Frisbee closed in my apartment for almost assortment of people: Bill, Spiff, that a dead body had more charac- Frey, Rob Hill, Kimberly Hinckley, Peter Jensen, John Jewell, Scott King, that is lying in my room. Whammy three weeks now, I am easily an- Tammy, Alishia, Ross, Wayland, ter than me). Marques McMillan, Brian Oxford, Andrew seems to be a boon friend from the gered. I tell him that it’s none of his Patty, and Selma. I assemble them Week IV: As my self-induced Saulters, Clinton Smith, start, as he is a great listener. He business. He questions the fact that into a ragtag mock-up of Survivor. I alienation from the world draws to June Zhang seems a little one-sided, though. she never calls. I tell him to mind play Greg Propst. Funnily enough, a close, I take time to reflect on the Online Ultra-Chronic Monstah, Editor Week II, day iv: Lacking any his own damned business. He lash- Patty and Selma appear to be the happenings of the past weeks. I have Martin Wiggins, Assistant Editor kind of outside exposure, I plug es out, striking me in the forehead “token homosexuals.” I thought Patty lost a friend and several people have MarioKart 64 into my Nintendo like some poorly thrown Frisbee on was, but I wasn’t sure about Selma, lost their lives due to my careless- Managing Editor Heavy Petting and select the Koopa Beach race. I the beach. Furious, I hurl Wham- given her love for MacGyver and ness. But I have learned a few things figure the video game sun and ocean my out the door, immediately re- the fact she had been married twice. too. One is to never doubt what • • • sound effects will be a good alterna- gretting the action. In a flash of I divide the people into two tribes: some people are saying, even if it Board of Student tive to the real thing. Whammy lightning, I see Whammy’s life end “Unopazgo” (Alishia, Ross, Patty, angers you. Another thing is that I Publications Dr. Carole E. Moore, Chair thinks so. tragically as a dog runs out of the Wayland) and “GT Sossigdaddies” shouldn’t lash out in anger because RoseMary Wells, Publications Mgr. Later: The scenery begins to ag- shadows and snatches Whammy as (Selma, Spiff, Tammy, and Bill). of the consequences. A third is that Billiee Pendleton-Parker, Advisor gravate me. Those seagulls are just he drifts through the downpour. I The first mission is to see which even inanimate objects hate me. annoying. Plus, I’m way out in last scream out Whammy’s name over tribe can boil ramen faster. Uno- Maybe I’ll lock myself in my apart- Advertising and Accounting Nancy Bowen, Business Mgr. place. I decide to make some ra- and over, I cry my apologies. I col- pazgo succeeds and votes Ross out. ment for another month. Marcus Kwok, Accounts Mgr. Donna Sammander, Advertising Mgr. Lorentzian Distribution Underutilized, Underappreciatedeciated • • • Copyright Notice Copyright © 2002, Matthew Bryan, Editor, I was innocently sitting in class The von Mises distribution is an and by the Board of Student Publications. the other day. odd one. It’s based on the Bessel The Technique is an official publication of the Georgia Tech Board of Student Well, not really so much sitting function, which of course wins it Publications. No part of this paper may be as sleeping. “In conclusion, sometimes it’s points, but at the same time, that reproduced in any manner without written permission from the Editor or from the And not really in class either—I good not to be normal.” makes it impossible to express in Board of Student Publications. The ideas expressed herein are those of the editor or hadn’t gotten out of bed yet. closed-form. the individual authors and do not necessarily But meanwhile, in the class I And do you want to have to cal- reflect the views of the Board of Student Biggie Smalls Publications, the students, staff, or faculty of should’ve been attending, the pro- culate values of a Bessel function of Georgia Tech, or the University System of fessor uttered the most preposter- Copy Editor the first kind in the middle of a test? Georgia. ously bigoted sentence I’ve ever heard. I didn’t think so. Advertising Information “Assume,” he barked, “that the Penultimately, there’s the logis- Information and rate cards can be found on our World Wide Web site at noise is Gaussian whitenoise.” per!” Bryan added. But it’s just an of a probability distribution. tic distribution, which is a close run- http://cyberbuzz.gatech.edu/technique/. What? I repeat—what? This is editorial. Now on to the variety of distri- ner-up, only its kurtosis The deadline for reserving ad space and submitting ad copy is noon on Friday, one the year 2002, and we still have to Other students are more con- butions and their characteristics. (“peakedness”) is a little too large, week prior to publication. There are no deal with this subversive oppres- fused about the concept. Freshman Consider Student’s t-distribution. resulting in the problem of sharp exceptions to this policy. For rate information, call our offices at (404) 894- sion? architecture major Emily Kennedy, It has a slim waist, broad shoul- head as before. 2830, Monday through Friday from 10 a.m. There are other labels we could when interview, could only articu- ders—almost everything we could So, in the end, the winner is the to 5 p.m. Advertising space cannot be reserved over the phone. TheTechnique use. We have to ask ourselves, “Do late, “Wha?” want it a distribution, first articu- Lorentzian (or Cauchy) distribu- office is located in room 137 of the Student all distributions have to be Gauss- After scratching her head for a lated in 1908 by William Gosset, tion. Services Building, 353 Ferst Drive, Atlanta, Georgia 30332-0290. Questions regarding ian?” few minutes, she continued, “Oh, an employee of Guinness Breweries Best probability density distri- advertising billing should be directed to The answer is—no! Believe it or that’s math, isn’t it?” (who required him to use a pseud- bution ever. Marcus Kwok at (404) 894-9187, or not, there are other symmetrical, But ignorance isn’t an excuse. onym). Its figure is just right with per- RoseMary Wells at (404) 894-2830. unimodal continuous probability So we ought to take a moment to Which begs another question: fect hips and a nicely rounded head. Letter Submission Policy The Technique welcomes all letters to the density distributions out there. explore the diversity of distribution Why in the heck did Guinness force Moreover—and here’s the coolest editor and will print letters on a timely and You and I know about the vari- functions. Gosset to use a nom de plume? Are part—it is the Fourier transform of space-available basis. Letters should be hand- delivered, mailed to Georgia Tech Campus ety of distributions the world has to Let’s first clarify these probabili- they trying to hide the fact that beer itself! Mail Code 0290, or e-mailed to offer, but unfortunately not every- ty functions. may lead to intellectual develop- Who would’ve thought a single [email protected]. Letters should be addressed to Matthew Bryan, one does. A probability density distribu- ment? WTF? distribution could be so mind-shat- Editor. All letters must be signed and must I spoke with some fellow stu- tion function (often P(x) ) is the But, I digress. Back to the t- teringly awesome? include a campus box number or other valid mailing address for verification purposes. dents about this very issue. EE se- derivative with respect to x (when it distribution. You’d think that with as nifty as Letters should not exceed 350 words and nior Matthew Bryan was asked why the Lorentzian is, everyone would should be submitted by 8 a.m. Wednesday exists) of the probability distribu- Alas!—it’s actually based upon in order to be printed in the following he uses Gaussian distributions so tion function. the dreaded Gaussian through a sim- be using it all the time. Friday’s issue. Any letters not meeting these criteria or not considered by the Editorial much. The probability distribuion func- ple statistical transform. But, no, all everyone ever cares Board of the Technique to be of valid intent “I don’t,” Bryan retorted. “No, tion (generally D(x) ) describes the Laplace’s distribution, also called about is that godforsaken Gaussian will not be printed. Editors reserves the right to edit for style, content, and length. Only wait, I do.” probability that the outcome of an the “double exponential,” is anoth- distribution, leaving the poor Lorent- one submission per person will be printed I asked him to elaborate. experimental trial has a value less er alternative, creatively construct- zian underutilized and underappre- each term. “I really don’t know. You inno- than or equal to the function argu- ed from a one-sided exponential curve ciated. Contacting Us cently start with one [Gaussian dis- ment x. and its mirror image. It also has a In conclusion, sometimes it’s [email protected] [email protected] tribution] and then another, then This function can therefore be narrow waist. good not to be normal. [email protected] another. Pretty soon, you’re assum- depicted in two-dimensional Car- But its head is a little too sharp, ing that noise is Gaussian even be- tesian space. with a kurtosis of 3. And nobody Online fore you see it…I’m sure there are Similarly, the density function likes sharp head. Please explore the website http://cyberbuzz.gatech.edu/technique/ other distributions, I just don’t know can also be plotted in the tradition- Which is exactly why the trian- mathworld.wolfram.com for more what they are.” al manner. These are the graphs gular distribution isn’t even in the information about the wonderful world “Hi, mom, I’m in the newspa- we’re used to seeing when we think runnings. of mathematics. 8 • Monday, April 1, 2002 • Técnica ONIONS
Crack from page 6 Techs and the City: Everyone can have a good Techs Life career fairs and be a general part of By Tantric Hero an excellent Techs Life is to make society. Crack dealers, on the other Hocus-Focus Editor Although I’ve been getting the new friends, meet new people, and hand, are granted none of these ben- try new things. College is all about efits. Crack dealers should have Often, in the midst of the aca- shaft quite a bit lately, such experimenting, and if you can’t their day, and students should be demic conundrum that compris- experiences haven’t disturbed experiment with your Techs Life, allowed to consider selling crack to es Tech, students have little time where can you experiment? be a viable career option. for activities outside of class, or my Techs Life very much. Lastly, the organizations one Smoking crack is one of life’s what I would call a “Techs Life.” Tantric Hero chooses can have a vastly influen- While some students have an ex- Hocus-Focus Editor tial effect on one’s Techs Life. The citing Techs Life, their grades suf- best organizations are ones where “Just ask anyone fer as a result. How can we, as people can work, have fun, and students, continue to earn our de- ing good study habits as well. Oth- enjoy the Techs Life that I have. enjoy a great Techs Life together. who’s ever smoked grees while incorporating aspects ers manage to have only good to Although I can share in the joy of The Technique is one example of crack; once they start of a thrilling Techs Life into the mediocre Techs Lives. Techs Life with a select few—my such an organization; the march- mix? Fortunately, my time manage- boyfriend, my friends, my room- ing band is another. These orga- most people never First of all, I’ve heard some com- ment skills have allowed me the mates, the rest of the Technique nizations are just two places where stop. It’s that plain that Atlanta and this cam- great fortune of enjoying organi- staff, the marching band, my pro- people join together in having a pus lack Techs support. I’ve tried zational involvement, academic fessors, etc.—so many members fun, exciting, group Techs Life. A wonderful an phone Techs support myself, but achievement, and one of the best of the Tech community are left group Techs Life is so much bet- experience.” the experience just seemed to take damn Techs Lives anyone can find out. If only they, too, could enjoy ter than trying to have a solo Techs forever. Plus, your phone call may on campus. Every night, whether a fun and exciting Techs Life, cam- Life. You can’t get much done be monitored for customer ser- I’m in the Technique office, par- pus could be a much happier place. when you’re all alone. Therefore, vice and quality control purposes. ticipating in activities at my church, When freshmen come to cam- campus groups offer great oppor- sweetest pleasures. As a child runs Who wants that? The only real or just hanging out with all of my pus, they often complain that Techs tunities for participating in the to greet the ice cream man when his answer to this is more on-campus roommates in the ULC, I have to Life is a little rough. That’s true— group Techs Life culture. truck comes around, so I break into Techs support from organizations confess that my Techs Life is great. you can have a rough Techs Life to As a last caution, I would ad- a sprint that rivals the speed of light promoting social behavior. I also Although I’ve been getting the start, but after plenty of practice vise anyone against becoming too when my roommate comes home stress the importance of educa- shaft quite a bit lately, such expe- juggling academics and activities, dependent on a drunken Techs with a new fix. Just ask anyone who’s tion in the whole Techs Life issue. riences haven’t disturbed my Techs things tend to just slide into place Life. While alcohol may have a ever smoked crack; once they start Without education, no one can Life very much. I’m in my third with no trouble at all. Most up- place in the refrigerators of stu- most people never stop. It’s that enjoy a safe Techs Life free from year at Tech, and I’ve grown to perclassmen have mastered this dents over 21, you can enjoy a wonderful an experience. the headaches that arise from accept that no matter how great ability. fantastic Techs Life without ever Smoking crack should be an op- spreading oneself too thin. things get, everyone gets the shaft One thing that can keep a per- drinking Goldschlager or 151. tion for all people, and Tech stu- However, such social involve- once in a while. I find that when I son from having a fulfilling Techs While students think drinking dents should have the opportunity ment is not a possibility for every- pay more attention in classes and Life is having simply a cyber Techs improves their Techs Life at first, to get into the business of selling it one. Another issue that plagues try not to be distracted by my Life. LAN parties and endless hours after too many drinks, one’s Techs to everyone that is hooked on it. In our campus, unfortunately, is dirty Techs Life while I study, I get playing games like Quake have to Life can take a serious dive. No closing I’d just like to say that every Techs. I firmly believe that those shafted a bit less. Protecting one- go if men at Tech want to enjoy one wants to be stuck in that situ- man, woman and child should smoke who have problems taking a shower self from the shaft while preserv- themselves. Although many find ation. crack at every possible opportunity. and washing their clothes really ing a healthy Techs Life is one of something akin to companionship If they try hard enough, stu- deserve no Techs Life at all. the great lessons the Institute can in their computers, spending so dents of all ages can find a Techs Mark Sonmyarms Some students manage to have teach. much time on-line blunts the spirit. Life that satisfies their needs, pref- [email protected] a wild Techs Life while maintain- I only wish that everyone could The only way to really seize upon erences, and desires. ONIONS Técnica • Monday, April 1, 2002 • 9 No rights for women Question of the week Over the past couple of weeks “What did you lie conflicting views on the subject of what women should expect from about on your society have been presented in this newspaper. While their ideas were résumé to get your different, all of the women who wrote in agreed that women do deserve at job?” least some rights. I am a woman with yet another opinion: women should be com- pletely detached from society and Jean-Lou Chameau Nate Watson G. Wayne Clough have absolutely no rights whatsoev- Provost Undergraduate Vice-President President er. People can’t believe that I would “I said that English “I said I would not “I told them I had think this way. But with most women abuse the privilege of today feeling empowered and be- was my first lan- good hygiene habits.” lieving in their rights to have it all I guage.” holding the gavel.” feel that the other extreme needs Buzz representation. I have never been one to go with the crowd. If I had my way all women ev- erywhere would live in dark holes Around deep underground with nothing but a deck of cards to sustain them. I have lived like that for five years now, and I find it to be a very com- fortable life. I have become quite Campus the solitaire wizard. And I thoroughly enjoy the comfort of my hole. This is all that women need. No rights need to be granted to us. We do not need careers or families. La- Karen Boyd Rod Weis Buzz dies, start digging your way into a Associate Dean of Students Director of Parking Our Favorite Mascot new life, a life without the burden of “rights” and “priviliges,” a life “I told them that I “I said that I could “I said I can do 20 where we are given nothing. It’s just the way it should be. Feature and photos by looked good in pic- build the perfect pushups before my legs Somebody Special tures.” parking deck.” touch the board.” Ima Stupid [email protected] Editor’s Note: Do not, under any circumstances, believe any of the above quotes. If you do, you’re a moron. HOCUS-FOCUSpage 7 Technique • Monday, April 1, 2002 • 13 Clough becomes a Broadway starlet Chasing his childhood dream, Wayne Clough moves to New HOCUS-FOCUS York City and auditions for Phantom of the Opera. Does he succeed? Read the Technique’s exclusive coverage on Page 21. Technique • Monday, April 1 2002 Hocus-focus Investigates Nerd Awareness Hocus-Focus takes a very special look into the ancient and secret Month kicks off hat Nerds Awareness Month begins today with a rituals of initiation motivational speech by Bill Gates. Other activ- itives will include a LAN party in the CoC, a is “graduation?” into the real world. visit from MIT compadres, and a social-interac- tion tutorial. W“The more undergraduates East campus FE By Tantric Hero gave me a D last semester. That’s Slept through graduation we have, the more we can totally unfair. And the way that some people get early registra- dorms condemned Although many students may spend on undergraduate tion or priority housing makes have heard of something called research initiatives.” me feel left out. I’ve been totally Following in the trend of campus construc- “graduation,” many do not know hazed as a student, and I’m two tion and dorm collapses, all of the FE dorms will G. Wayne Clough what it is. The Technique had entire years away from even pe- soon be replaced with a trailer park. Of course, Georgia Tech President the opportunity to attend what titioning for my degree,” said people will continue to live there as housing props is called a “commencement cer- fifth-year senior Ben Dover. up caving ceilings with large metal bars. Howev- emony” last year, and now plans Before someone can be con- er, entry is limited to windows on the second floor. to make the details of this previ- However, the process can be they are no longer undergradu- sidered for graduation, he or she ously secret ritual available to extremely scary, and at times, ates. The more undergraduates must complete a certain num- the public. expensive. we have, the more we can spend ber of classes. However, these SGA schedules step Apparently, “graduation” re- “After eight years at Tech and on undergraduate research ini- classes must be in specific order fers to a time when a student three different majors, I finally tiatives. Why should anyone ever and have specific names. Even show, stars Watson stops attending classes, yet no decided to try to graduate. I had want to graduate?” said G. Wayne those who have completed the penalty is then imposed on the to pay to have my degree peti- Clough, Institute President. classes they think are correct may In response to great demand to see Nate Wat- student. Also involved in the ritual tion processed. And then I had Moreover, incidents of what be kept from graduation from son shakin’ that ass, SGA has agreed to schedule a is “crossing over” to the “real to find a job. Working is much students must endure prior to things such as bad grades and step show starring Watson. world.” worse than going to school. I “graduation” has raised contro- running out of money. Chang- T-shirts will be sold following the event. The Though confusing, most pro- wish I could still take three hour versy over some professors poli- ing majors, taking semesters off shirts, available for $5, will read “I see you Nate...” fessors help coach students lunch breaks at Junior’s,” said cies. for fun, and failing a whole lot on the front and “...shakin’ that ass” on the back. through the process, saying that Willbur Dell, a recent “gradu- “I really want to graduate and of classes has been known to In response, Watson said “don’t hate the play- everything the students in the ate” (person who has experienced be initiated into the real world keep people from graduating er, hate the game” and “damn, it feels good to be a graduation process will experi- “graduation”). and all, but I just can’t deal with when they want. gangsta.” He also plans to endorse a new slogan ence has been experienced by “The problem with having all this hazing. One of my profs for SGA: “Take it to The House.” graduates before them. students graduate is that then, See Graduation, page 10
Organizations Notepad Mechanical Engineer charters campus “drop the bow” club By Tortured Psychic Blutz was among the first to Crazy swirlin’ sweetness apply. “I think the Drop the Bow After being refused a charter Club is a great idea. I’ve been for a Tech Fight Club three times trying to figure out what ‘the in a row, Mechanical Engineer- bow’ is for weeks, and maybe ing senior Ginny Juice has man- now I finally will,” said Blutz. aged to charter a “Drop the Bow” “It’s really important for me to Club. be involved in this kind of orga- “I’m not really into fighting,” nization. I think it will look nice said Juice. “Just into dropping on my resume.” the bow. Some- The club has times it’s like, you already printed just gotta drop the t-shirts with bow on some- “Sometimes it’s their slogan thing, or some- like, you just gotta “Do that, and one. I think I’ll drop the bow people need to ex- drop the bow on on you” and is press that need a something, or distributing little more.” them around Phrases such someone.” campus. as “I’m gonna Ginny Juice “I think that drop the bow” President, the DTB Club a club support- have been com- ing the whole INTA prof opens sports bar, invites class mon at Tech for idea of drop- quite some time. ping the bow By Whiteboard Delinquent Ireland has wanted to open a bar will offer him more excitement than Now, students will have the chance can really bring some valued di- Bringing the drinks back in since he first realized that serving the day to day tedium of instructing to put their ’bows where their versity to campus,” said alcohol makes one much more pop- students in theories of comparative mouths are. Stephanie Ray, Dean of Diver- After grading another disappoint- ular—and richer—than teaching politics and international relations. “The first rule of the Drop the sity and Associate Dean of Stu- ing pile of Comparative Politics tests, International Affairs at Georgia Tech. “I’m really tired of explaining Bow Club is that you can’t talk dents. “We need students who International Affairs professor Patrick The Creedal Passion is expected things like political culture and Ni- about Drop the Bow Club. That’s are willing to stand up for what Ireland decided last week to follow to quickly become one of Atlanta’s gerian ethnic conflicts every single kind of a problem for me, be- they think is culturally accept- his lifelong dream and open a sports hottest drinks. day. The only real excitement I have cause I kind of have a big mouth. able, even if you and I find it bar near Tech’s campus. His signa- “People will drink almost any- is being really dirty during lectures. The other rule that’s really im- totally strange and, at times, ture drink, named after one of his thing,” said Ireland. “I was telling Most of the time, what I say goes portant is that you can love your appalling. These kids make me favorite lecture topics, is named the my class the other day about this completely over the students’ heads. brother, but you can’t love your want to drop the b— I mean, I “Creedal Passion.” guy from India who drank his own It’s such a rush,” said Ireland. “Most brother. These rules form the ba- don’t agree, but who am I to “I’m expecting the bar to be es- urine. Creedal Passions will have to of the time, they think what I say sis of my entire philosophy,” said judge?” pecially popular among people like taste better than that. I’m going to relates to an assigned reading that Juice. Swedish porn stars,” said Ireland. “I serve them in coconuts with little they won’t read until the day before The club has already been The Drop the Bow Club is just hope that the South Georgia umbrellas. Move over, Lulu’s fish- the test, if at all.” flooded with applications for still taking applications at fundamentalists don’t try to run me bowls! Creedal Passions are here.” membership. Freshman Donny www.dropthebow.com. off.” Ireland hopes that running a bar See Creedal, page 10 14 • Monday, April 1, 2002 • Technique HOCUS-FOCUS Greeks protest Greek Week—“They aren’t real Greeks”
By Yougripides Nuts awareness and unity rally at the stu- Greek Affairs Correspondent dent center, which stressed the need to bring down the “Greek Impost- The Greek Community is in an ers,” but they have also established uproar this week after the announce- picket lines in front of every Frater- ment of the dates for this year’s nity and Sorority house on campus. IFC/Panhellenic Greek Week, a “Like a couple of days ago these yearly competition involving the dudes with signs just started walk- Fraternities and sororities of the ing around in front of the house,” Georgia Tech John Fratto, a Greek System. member of Sig- The contro- ma Sigma Fra- versy seems to “I don’t know who ternity said, stem from claims these guys think they “After a while, that members of we started IFC/Panhellenic are!I bet these guys throwing beer really aren’t don’t even know how cans at them! It “Greek.” was great times “I don’t to pronounce Gyro!” man!” know who these Pairodies The protesters guys think they Greek Heritage Coalition also agitated are!” Pairodies, members of president of the some sororities Greek Heritage on Campus. Coalition said, “I bet these guys don’t “I don’t see what these guys freakin’ even know how to pronounce Gyro! deal is man,” Suzie Sister said, “They IFC/Panhellenic sponsoring a week need to like chill out! When I was of events called “Greek Week” is on the way to Buckhead Friday, completely disrespectful to all Greeks one of those punks bumped into on campus! me and made me smear my make- By Micheal Hsia / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS “For instance, during the week, up! And then he had the nerve to Students Participate in controversial “Chariot Race” event in last year’s Greek Week. Although such events are they have a chariot race! The Ro- ask me out!” very popular amongst the Tech Greeks, some students say that they negatively stereotype real Greeks. mans had chariots, not the Greeks! The Greek Heritage Coalition pro- It’s these kinds of stereotypes we’re testers have laid siege to every Greek Dishman said, “We’ve received a weeks. I think the protesting will go Week, the Greek Heritage Coali- trying to stop.” Pairodies later add- House on campus, wielding signs, relatively long list of demands, but on until their demands are met. We tion will have to play by the rules. ed, “…events like arm wrestling and banners, and disrupting parties with hey, it’s all Greek to me.” really don’t see and end in sight.” “If they have a complaint, they Tug of War depict real Greeks as hours of chanting, calling for their After one week of protests, the Despite the controversy, IFC/ can file a Greek Week violation form aggressive and belligerent. When demands be met. IFC/Panhellenic Dean of Students office admitted Panhellenic plans to proceed with just like everyone else,” Tom Anyrules real Greeks are depicted like that it has yet to give in. that all attempts at compromise thus Greek Week. Although the Greek chair of the Greek Week Rules Com- just makes me want to hurt some- Shaun Dishman, IFC Executive far have failed miserably. Heritage Coalition is not recognized mittee said. “They need to remem- body!” Vice President spoke of IFC’s stance, “These guys are really pissed off,” by either IFC or Panhellenic, repre- ber though, that every organization In the past week, the Greek Her- “It would really help if we knew a spokesman from the Dean’s Of- sentatives from both organizations only gets two protest forms, so they itage Coalition has not only held an what the Greeks really wanted,” fice stated, “This could go on for stated that when it comes to Greek need to use them wisely.” HOCUS-FOCUS Technique • Monday, April 1, 2002 • 15 Administrators hold more drinking parties ICPA releases results showing that with new definitions of binge drinking, several administrators can be labeled as “regular binge drinkers.” Suspicions that Ferst Place hides a speakeasy, however, are unfounded.
By Tantric Hero tant prices for low-quality illegal St. Patty’s Day” hosted by the Dean Hand me another beer booze,” said independent investi- “I really need a drink... Everyone of Student’s Office. gator Justin Cider. “On the other knows that the bar where the Pre-football game parties in the Last week, the administration hand, the dining halls charge exor- Alumni House, centering around released a new definition of binge bitant prices for low-quality legal administration hangs out is at the “Reck Club Booze Closet” also drinking, calling those who con- food, and they seem to turn over a Jun— I mean, off campus.” rank in the top ten. sume more than three alcoholic bev- profit.” Events that did not make the list erages per week “regular binge Roz Meyers declined comment, Roz Meyers were Technique deadlines (dry since drinkers.” However, under this new but as she left the interview, she was Director of Auxiliary Services the late 1990’s) and parties at any definition, almost every adminis- heard to say, “I really need a drink. number of dry fraternity houses. trator can be labeled as a “regular Let’s go to the Ferst.” “I’m just so glad that we can all binge drinker.” “She could have been referring hangs out is at Jun— I mean, off dress this issue with several new in- have a discussion about ‘regular binge “I think we need to start a sup- to the Ferst Center,” said Cider, campus.” itiatives. First of all, salaries of GT drinking’ now,” said DiSabatino. port group,” said Gail DiSabatino, “But everyone knows that food and “Meyers is chief among the throw- Smart employees will be dramati- “Before, everything was in the clos- Dean of Students. “The first meet- drink are not permitted inside the ers of administrative drinking par- cally cut. et. Everyone kept their drinking ing could be at Manuel’s Tavern.” theater. Most likely, the Ferst Place ties,” said Cider. “She most likely “We want to be sure they don’t habits a secret. Now, I can enjoy a Related to findings that, under restaurant is harboring a speakeasy learned her heavy drinking habits have any extra cash to spend on good cabernet or merlot and accept their own rules, administrators have for administrators. Members of in Pennsylvania, where due to state beer. Instead, those funds will go the fact that, if I drink a glass of almost unanimously decided that ANAK and past editors of the Tech- law, beer can only be purchased by into a new endowment to pay Ferst wine three days a week, I am con- they can all be called “regular binge nique may also be allowed through the case. That’s twenty-four beers, Place expenses of administrators’ sidered a ‘regular binge drinker.’ I drinkers,” allegations that the Ferst the doors, but only after paying a meaning a whole lot of drinkage. lunch bills,” said Meyers. can deal with that.” Place restaurant may be a front for a high annual membership fee.” You can’t just stop by the Publix Statistics showing a rise in ad- Several other administrators were speakeasy have not yet been proven Members of ANAK, as usual, and pick up a six-pack. Drinking ministrative drinking have also pin- too inebriated to coherently com- true. could not be found for comment. only six would be completely out of pointed the most important events ment on the situation. More ad- “Obviously, the only way such “Allegations that the Ferst hous- the question. She shouldn’t feel bad throughout the academic year for minstrators were unavailable. Their an endeavor, especially run by Aux- es a bar are completely ridiculous,” that she’s being labeled a ‘regular administrative alcoholics. The Pres- appointment books simply read iliary Services, could possibly make said Meyers. “Everyone knows that binge drinker.’” ident’s Dinner ranks first on the “lunch at Ferst Place, five dollar money would be to charge exorbi- the bar where the administration The administration plans to ad- list, followed closely by “Wild Gail’s drink specials.”
Graduation from page 1 Some students do everything in for graduation, called “Le Plan,” to graduation exists, some are not buy- their power to stall graduation. help ease the transition between Tech ing into the idea. “Graduation is scary,” said stu- and the real world. “Graduation is so fake. If it ex- dent Holden Lickor. “I really am Chameau originally wanted to ists, why haven’t I ever seen it. Why not sure that I can do it, the whole haven’t I tasted it? I want gradua- real world thing. I’d rather just stay tion on a platter. When I eat it, I’ll here, where we have things like believe it,” said Noah “Fat Bastard” Dance, Dance Revolution and burger “It is only un peu de Bingo. baskets.” “Graduation is real, and eventu- Administrators have not yet found le knowledge de ally, students will have to face up to a solution to the graduation dilem- classes that zee that fact,” said Clough. “In the mean ma. time, I’ll make sure that commence- “Zee classes, yes, they could be student uses in zee ment ceremonies are scheduled for easier, no? It is only un peu de le real world.” early in the morning on a Saturday, knowledge de classes that zee stu- way before any Tech students wake Jean-Lou Chameau dent uses in zee real world. In zee up. Hopefully, we can keep gradua- Provost real world, people need to know tion under wraps until the under- other things, not how to compute graduate population exceeds that integrals, but how to communicate. of any other university. I wonder Zis thing, though, is not taught at call his plan “Plan 17,” but he heard why they don’t rank retention of zis school. I call zis a petite prob- from someone in the Ivan Allen seniors as highly as they rank reten- By Daniel Uhlig / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS lem, no?” said Provost Jean-Lou College that the name was already tion of freshmen? Who says that a An ecstatic student finally reaches the pinnacle of Tech achievement and Chameau. taken. good college education should last receives a shiny, new diploma. Her next stop will be the “real world.” Chameau wants to initiate a plan Despite convincing evidence that four years? I say go nine,” said Clough.
Georgia Tech’s award- winning yearbook, Blueprint, is looking for section editors for 2002- 2003.
Applications in Rm. 137 of Flag Building 16 • Monday, April 1, 2002 • Technique HOCUS-FOCUS
An Untitled Perspective Assorted Pies: a man’s attempt at writing something humorous “Hey Jethro, he don’t know she’s a guy. Haw haw haw.”—The Gradually Gathering Guffaw By Joshua Cuneo or that victims of multiple per- week’s column, even if my writ- Contributing Fluff sonality disorder can hide their ing isn’t established. Then again, maybe I’m taking the own Easter eggs, but I’m trying to Then again, maybe I shouldn’t I approached this assignment be taken seriously here. just write anything. I could skip a with some hesitation. I had to assignment too seriously. [Editor’s Then again, maybe I’m taking week and never be noticed. [Edi- write a column that parodied note: Yes, you certainly are.] the assignment too seriously. [Ed- tor’s note: Maybe you could. Want my own column, yet how do I itor’s note: Yes, you certainly are.] to try?] Besides, if I try too hard, farce a running feature that’s only Joshua Cuneo This [Editor’s note: What does “this” my paragraphs may start becom- three weeks old? [Editor’s note: Contributing Columnist refer to?]is designed to be a simple ing formulaic. Use your sense of humor.] I’m farce, after all, with no great effort Then again, maybe I shouldn’t still learning the ins and outs of of Scottish laser tag). Furthermore, So I had to come up with some- required, a clever gimmick designed just write anything. Readers of this proper journalism, establishing my I’m not a naturally humorous fel- thing that would spark a smirk. I by the Technique staff. (It also pro- week’s issue are likely to glance at tone and my philosophical style. low (that’s not to say I don’t im- mean, I certainly could philoso- vides them with a break from the the headlines, skim a few interest- This [Editor’s note: What does “this” mensely enjoy the company of other phize that democracy is somehow usual factual research, but they ing articles, and treat it with the refer to? Your high school English funny fellows). My wit is subtle, connected—through a twisted won’t admit to that for obvious appropriate level of respect by trash- teachers are crying right now.] is and when I do spout off the occa- metaphysical maze known only PR reasons.) [Editor’s note: Our ing the whole bit, save the collec- roughly equivalent to parodying sional pun, it’s generally acciden- by a few offbeat peasants in south- humorous cuts on administrators tors of offbeat paraphernalia. Star Trek when one knows little tal and a little idiotic, spurred by ern Iran—to CAT scans [Editor’s and Auxiliary Services require not [Editor’s note: Everyone loves the more about the franchise than my subconscious (i.e. “This snow note: You must mean CT scans... only research, but also wit.] Be- April Fool’s issue, except Roz.] “Beam me up, Scotty” (in which is cool”). [Editor’s note: Brevity is Computer Tomography] and the sides, maybe readers would ap- Maybe I could just be clever case we get some weird perversion the soul of wit. Who said that?] International House of Pancakes, preciate the playfulness that is this and type with my left hand. HOCUS-FOCUS Technique • Monday, April 1, 2002 • 17 Tech UpYours e-mail: [email protected] (this week only)
Winner of the Tech Up Yours contest wins a yellow Lamborghini Diablo for this week only. (Car may not be to scale of an actual person.) Last week’s Tech Up Close: ODK plaque located in the flower bed next to Tech Tower
Last week’s winner: Lauren Stark chniqu 18 • Monday, April 1, 2002 • Technique HOCUS-FOCUS
new watering hole where Interna- Creedal from page 1 tional Affairs majors can speak free- ly on the cosmopolitan vs. Students in his comparative pol- culture at its finest.” communitarian debate without the itics class fully support their profes- Ireland has invited his class to threat of too many engineers. sor’s desire to follow his dreams and participate in the grand opening of “The engineers have the library. sell Creedal Passions by the coco- the as of yet unnamed bar. Creedal We’ll have Ireland’s sports bar. I nut-load. Passions will be on the house. Oth- couldn’t think of a better idea. If “I think that Dr. Ireland should only this whole thing fit in with my definitely open a bar. He has such a study master plan,” said Crowe. creative and crude mind, his talents “I think that he would “The real key to Ireland’s suc- are perhaps being wasted on us. Plus, cess will be taking a realist perspec- I think that he would be much hap- be much happier tive. Opening a bar needs careful pier hanging out with Swedish porn hanging out with planning and good strategy—we stars. And he has such a funny laugh. don’t need another example of dip- He does such a great fake British Swedish porn stars.” lomatic failure here. I have to ad- accent, as well,” said student Scotty Scotty Crowe mit, though, that without good bars, Crowe, named as “The Most Popu- Most Popular INTA life would be brutish and short,” lar INTA Major Ever Born.” said Salomone. “Now, I’ll have a Ireland’s secret recipie for Creedal good place to go when I let my Passion can’t be printed, but rumor er INTA professors have also ex- classes out twenty minutes early.” has it that the beverage contains pressed interest in seeing what Ire- “I’m just so glad that after he equal parts liberty and equality. The land can do. opens his bar, Ireland will never contents have to be kept under con- “Ireland’s bar will rise to hege- again give us a multiple choice test stant pressure to create the Creedal monic greatness,” said INTA prof where each question can have one Passion. Robert Salomone. “As long as he or two correct answers. Ireland looks forward to a “Rev- serves up a fresh, bubbly Diet Coke, We’ll study for Salomone’s tests olution of Creedal Passion all across I’ll be happy.” while we drink coconuts full of Creed- According to Ireland’s students, his immense talents of telling dirty jokes the United States. Forget political The Ivan Allen College will miss al Passion. Being an INTA major and impersonating a deranged British student are wasted in the lecture culture—this is American alcohol Ireland, but looks forward to the sure is the life,” added Crowe. halls of D.M. Smith. He plans to open a bar and serve Creedal Passions.
nique WHOApage HEY 19 NOW Técnica • Friday, April 1, 2002 • 19 Dubya talks Oscars Coach or dictator? The critic-in-chief wasn’t just We don’t really know what to WHOA HEY NOW talking antiterrorism, he was think about basketball coach talking movies too. Paul Hewitt after seeing this. Técnica • Monday, April 1, 2002 In this section Keep reading Clough: “Forget engineering, I wanna dance” Institute President G. Wayne Clough has found his true passion, musical theater, and plans to vacate his Carnegie Building office for the famed title role in Andrew Lloyd Webber’s The Phantom of the Opera. By Dragon Platypus him after he left, and that now to playing this role, and maybe Dramatic Correspondent he has the opportunity to start a my engineering skills will help French domination here at Geor- me, because that chandelier fall- It all started when he wrote gia Tech (but that’s another sto- ing every night can’t be very struc- “A Half Day in the Life of a ry). turally sound,” Clough said. College President,” and now he Anne Clough, the engineer/ The engineering experience dreams of the Great White Way. thespian’s wife was quoted as he alluded to will be a Broadway “I found out that I really liked saying, “I think Wayne’s really first. Never before has a lead in a this theater thing, and finally lost it this time. He was a little major musical come in with three determined that this engineer- out there with the whole ‘writ- degrees in civil engineering. ing stuff is pretty boring,” said The rest of the Phantom cast Tech president G. Wayne Clough was surprised at the news of their in a press conference outlining “Je ne sais pas new teammate. his reasons for leaving the Insti- Jennifer Hughes, who plays tute. pourquoi le Christine in the Broadway show, “I used to think that being a Président est parti said, “I don’t understand what’s triple threat was being able to going on now. I used to act with integrate, differentiate, and de- de l’Institut, mais il Michael Crawford, and now rive, but now my outlook on life me manquera they’re giving me some washed- has totally changed,” said Clough. up college president who prob- “Forget engineering, I wan- après son depart.” ably can’t even sing?” na dance, sing, and act my in- Jean-Lou Chameau Clough resented Hughes’ re- credibly well-educated brains out. Provost marks, stating that his singing Ever since I was a boy growing skills are more than adequate, up in Douglas, I’ve wanted to be and that he’s been practicing for a star, and now I can!” quite some time. Those close to the President- ing my own one act play’ idea, “I am ready, though I’m not cum-Tony hopeful were shocked but he’s totally off his rocker that good at learning new songs. by his announcement. now.” All I really know is Ramblin’ “Je ne sais pas pourquoi le She added, “I don’t want to Wreck and Up with the White Président est parti de l’Institut, move. I like living in the Presi- and Gold,” he said. mais il me manquera après son dent’s House!” “It’s going to be a challenge, depart. Peut-etre, je peux com- For now, it looks like the that’s for sure. But if singing, mencer un domination français Cloughs will be packing up and dancing, and acting in a highly maintenant,” said Provost Jean- heading for Manhattan, where dramatic fashion in front of a Lou Chameau in his native he has already landed the huge paying audience night in and tongue. role of the Phantom in Andrew night out is anything like run- Photo illustration by Ian Clark / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS Roughly translated, Chameau Lloyd Webber’s masterpiece, The ning the technological universi- Institute President G. Wayne Clough is slated to begin his run as the title character expressed his surprise at Clough’s Phantom of the Opera. ty of the 21st century, then I in ‘The Phantom of the Opera’ on April 17 on Broadway. He is making theater departure, that he would miss “I’m really looking forward should have no problem.” history as the first Broadway lead to have three degrees in civil engineering. Crowe upset over Academy Award snub Rockapella singer treated for infection after After being passed over for the Best Actor Oscar for his performance in A Beautiful Mind, being licked by fan at Ferst Center concert Russell Crowe told the Técnica, “I’m bloody pissed at these Academy blokes who wouldn’t By Blah B. Blah pella band, Rockapella performed but unfortunately one of the sing- of the incident and let it go by as know a great performance if it bit them in their Assistant Chief Deputy for a sold out crowd at the Ferst ers, whose name was not released just another unexpected feat of behinds. These are the same fools who don’t Center, an overexcited fan (we’ll call him John Doe), was bizarreness that came with the appreciate my band, 30 Odd Foot of Grunts.” Georgia Tech was the site last charged through the aisles sprung not quite quick enough and suf- fame. Their perspectives were week of an unfortunate incident on stage attempting to lick the fered multiple licks to the front changed however, two days lat- that would change the face of a band members. Four of the five and sides of his face. er on Monday when Doe began Academy caves, awards cappella music forever. Last Sat- singers managed to escape the At first Doe and the rest of complaining of extreme exhaus- Crowe ‘Grouch Oscar’ urday, after hip doo wop a cap- probing of the woman’s tongue Rockapella didn’t think much tion and a violently sore throat. After a trip to the doctor it was The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and confirmed, Doe had contracted Sciences announced yesterday that they will be mono and Rockapella was out a awarding a supplementary “Grouch Oscar” to base man. Russell Crowe in a special ceremony to be held As Rockapella struggled to soon at the Kodak Theatre. Reasons were not find a replacement for their up- disclosed. coming tour dates, Doe’s con- dition worsened. On Tuesday it was confirmed that the strain of Oscar the Grouch leaves mono that the fan had passed on to Doe was a rare and deadly trash can, sues Academy form of the virus which is often Sesame Street’s Oscar the Grouch filed a fatal. defamation of character lawsuit against the Acad- Doe’s survival chances are slim emy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, he and he certainly will never sing said in last night’s press conference. “This make again. The licking woman claims Oscar very mad. Now I go eat more trash,” said that she had no knowledge that Mr. Grouch. she was carrying the deadly vi- rus and is still under investiga- tion for licking with intent to Crowe to make guest harm or kill. The rest of the band has made spot on Sesame Street a promise to Doe that before he The Children’s Television Workshop said dies, they will finally, at long that Russell Crowe will make an appearance on last, catch that wiley Carmen Sesame Street, and will play a sing-along with ByIan Clark / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS Sandiego, and when they do, Bert and Ernie backing up his band, 30 Odd The diseased member of Rockapella exhibits one of the many painful symptoms associated with the they will all relax and sip on Feet of Grunts. The date is yet to be set. strange infection he contracted after one of his fans licked his face Saturday night at the Ferst Center. some fresh Folgers coffee. 20 • Monday, April 1, 2002 • Técnica WHOA HEY NOW Lucas announces sweeping last-minute changes to Episode II By Darth P. Burdell design teams. The kidnappers from liked the character of Jar Jar Binks members of an all-Jedi country-west- and the Lightsaber boys.” Suppos- Contributing Sith Lord starwarsfreaks.wreck.org began tor- from Phantom Menace so much, he ern band with Anakin Skywalker, edly, Jar Jar is rejected time and turing the officials by forcing them wants Jar Jar to play the leading roll played by Canadian actor Hayden time again to be in the band. In one In a surprising press conference to watch Citizen Kane, Mrs. Doubt- in the new film. Jar Jar, now made Christiansen, as their lead singer. scene, during an audition to fill the Sunday, writer/director George fire and Dumbo which, in the film to be even more goofy and laugh- Britney Spears will appear in the band’s Electra-Proton Banjo posi- Lucas announced last minute dras- community, make up what is known able (starwarsfreaks.wreck.org re- film as Obi-Wan Kenobi’s little sis- tion, Jar Jar performs on the Elec- tic changes to the upcoming Star as the “Anti-Star Wars” trilogy- the ports that as actually meaning ter igbay-oobiebay Kenobi. Spears tra-Proton Banjo so poorly, that it Wars sequel. Lucas, while reading three movies that are the exact op- “irritating” and “annoying”,) will will also perform both the music for causes *NSYNC star Justin Tim- from a prepared statement, said: posite of Star Wars. The Kidnap- save the universe from certain de- the opening title crawl, entitled “A berlake’s head to explode. That is, “Everything you’ve seen or heard pers used the “Anti-Star Wars” films struction with his clumsiness, and Long, Long Time Ago,” and the apparently, the only redeeming part about [the movie] is actually just a to liquefy the brains of the Lucas- even sing and dance in the movie’s movie’s incidental music, which will to the movie- to see Justin Timber- front. We made those trailers, post- film officials, and then to extract many musical numbers. Among the not be composed by John Williams, lake’s head blow up. ers and such solely for the purpose movie information from the offi- songs that Jar Jar will sing are “Mee- and preformed by the London Sym- Possible titles for the movie are of fooling the fans.” Lucas then went cials. sa wishing you were somehow here phony Orchestra as in previous Star reported to be The Happy Adven- on to explain that ever since the These kidnappers say on their again, Okeyday?”, “Okeyday-laho- Wars films. tures of Jar Jar, Outter Rim Side Sto- release of The Empire Strikes Back in website, that the Lucasfilm officials, ma,” Specific points of the plot are a ry, A Funny Thing Happened on the 1982 the fans “have methodically after they had been tortured and Despite Lucas’s many denials, bit sketchy, but it probably centers Way to Coruscant, or You’ll Still Come picked apart every trailer, every press broken, explained the new movie members of the popular boy-band around Jar Jar’s desire to be a mem- See This Movie, No Matter What I release and every interview and even in detail. They said George Lucas *NSYNC will star in the movie as ber of Skywalker’s band named “Ani Name It. before the release of the movie, they knew exactly what was going to hap- pen. That is why I’m attempting to keep the fans in the dark of what will happen in the movie- it ruins the theatrical experience of the viewer if he or she knows all the twists and turns that will happen.” According to Lucas himself and his production company, Lucasfilm, what the public thought was going to happen in the movie is complete- ly wrong. A representative of Lucas film did, however confirm that “yes, Anakin is still the father of Luke and Leia, and he will eventually be- come Darth Vader, but that’s about all that’s the same.” Even the title Attack of the Clones has been thrown out for a secret title that will be announced on opening day. However, some fanatical Star Wars fans are not completely in the dark about the actual movie. Im- mediately following the press con- ference, many unofficial Episode II preview websites started updating their predictions for the movie. One such site, starwarsfreaks.wreck.org, soon became a matter of controver- sy when it clamed to have kidnapped top Lucasfilm officials, specifically Photo illustration by Scott Meuleners / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS members of Episode II creative and The much reviled character from the first of George Lucas’ ‘Star Wars’ prequels, the Gungan Jar Jar Binks, is rumored to be taking a bigger role in the second film, Lucas said in a press conference that shocked the world. Your best option is to run and hide if you ever come across this face again.
Georgia Tech’s award-winning yearbook, Blueprint, is looking for section editors for 2002-2003.
Applications in Rm. 137 of Flag Building WHOA HEY NOW Técnica • Friday, April 1, 2002 • 21 Bush shows disgust over Oscar selections during Tech speech By Biz Vanilla Dogg Z matter where he looks he just can’t enced trainer.” ment in film that not even the most once again seeming to be in deep Assistant Deputy Associate find it. And unless I’m mistaken, I “But anyways, I don’t know when ignorant Academy could ignore.” contemplation, “What was that mov- couldn’t find a single nomination the Academy is going to stop award- A hand rose in the audience, “Pres- ie… Frosty the Demon? or.. Snow After President George W. Bush’s for that movie in the whole pro- ing crap and recognizing true ac- ident Bush, what are your recom- Devil, or oh, Jack Frost, right that inspiring address in Georgia Tech’s gram.” complishments in cinema. With any mendations for security in Marta was the name of that movie… Brrrrr.. O’Keefe Gymnasium stressing the “And another thing about the luck next year, when Bush the ani- Atlanta’s public transpor-“ scary.” Once again, the President importance of homeland security Animated film category,” Bush con- mated documentary smashes the box “Would you hold on just a mo- had a huge fit of uncontrollable laugh- and commending the preparedness tinued “Hello! Where in the hell offices, it will be an accomplish- ment?” the president interrupted ter at one of his own jokes. of Atlanta’s emergency personnel, was that Pokemon the Movie 3? As the President opened the floor to sure as MewTwo would dominate any and all questions. Pikachu, Pokemon the Movie 3 would After making brief replies to sev- dominate the animated film cate- eral questions from various mem- gory.” More uncontrollable laugh- bers of the audience, an off-subject ter resulted from Bush after this inquiry came from the back of the remark. auditorium that seemed to induce “ And what’s with this new fasci- an unusually strong emotional re- nation with gratuitous gore? Sexy sponse from the Beast, Monster’s President. “Mr. Ball, while I President, any haven’t seen any thoughts on of this junk first Sunday’s Acad- “Dude, where was hand, I don’t emy Awards?” ‘Dude, Where’s My think it’s hard to Upon hear- judge by the ti- ing the question, Car’? It’s funny tles that these the President because this guy can’t movies are prob- looked down at ably going to the podium and find his car all day!” end up in the sighed sarcasti- George W. Bush bad horror sec- cally as he began Leader of the Free World tion of the vid- to shake his head eo store. Not to in disapproval. take anything “Well I’ll tell away from The you what”, began the president, “ I Puppet Master, Leprechaun in the have to say again this year what I say Hood, and that movie with the kill- every year; the Oscars are a bunch er snowman, which are all excep- of hooey… It was quite clear to me tions, but most of those gory horror that Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius was movies are a waste of time and have by far the superior animated feature no business in the Oscars.” film to either Shrek or Monsters, Inc.” “And another thing, I’ve been “And that’s not the only thing waiting forever to see Toy story 3? that didn’t add up right in my opin- When’s that coming out? I’m sure ion” as Bush cracked a goofy smile, it would easily win out over any “Dude, where was Dude, Where’s attempt to make Shrek 2, and may- My Car”? Bush began laughing un- be even Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius controllably at his pun. Attempting 2. But Pokemon the Movie 4… that to regain control of himself, the Pres- would be a close one, kind of like ident continued, “I mean really now, Jigglypuff, under the guidance of I’ve had that movie screened at the an experienced trainer, battling White House seven times and it against Entei.” At this point the still makes me laugh my ass off; it’s president, in deep contemplation, By Robert Hill / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS funny cause this guy wakes up one glanced upward for a few moments. Though his official reason for coming to speak at Georgia Tech was to discuss antiterrorism and homeland morning and can’t find his car, no “Entei.. with a somewhat experi- security, President George W. Bush also talked about the injustices done by voters in this year’s Oscars. 22 • Monday, April 1, 2002 • Técnica WHOA HEY NOW Two Bits Man to hire Spears’ publicist in attempt to boost column readership By Grampy DeCampy career.” Attendees of the conference subsequently started twirling a mi- Contributing Old Man commented that Whitlock main- crophone around like a set of num- tained a warm and professional de- chucks. She knocked Klein In a press conference on Wednes- unconscious, and he was rushed to day afternoon, popular columnist, Grady. A Grady spokesperson told TwoBits Man severed ties with long- reporters that Klein had recovered, time friend and publicist, Dee Dee “I think it’s time that and would be sent home by midday Whitlock, citing months of low read- today. Klein was unavailable for com- ership of the Technique, the paper Two Bits got the ment. for which Man writes. “I realize this respect he deserves. I After his press conference, Two- is an unfortunate end for our long Bits Man told AP reporters that he working relationship, but Ms. Whit- want to see his work had already chosen Lisa Kasteler, lock is detrimental to my writing above the fold.” former publicist to Britney Spears, career,” said TwoBits Man. The as his new press agent. Recently dis- writer noted that he wished Whit- Lisa Kasteler missed due to repeated inconsisten- lock luck in her search for a new Two Bits Man’s new agent cies in the reporting of Spears’ celebrity to represent. relationship with teen heartthrob, In response to Man’s press con- Justin Timberlake, Kasteler wel- ference, Whitlock hosted her own comed the opportunity to work with press conference Thursday morn- meanor until Tom Klein of the AJC Man. “I think it’s time that Two- ing. “I am understandably disheart- asked her if she considered herself Bits got the respect he deserves. First Sideways’ Crossword Answers ened at the loss of one of my favorite responsible for the loss in Technique and foremost, I want to see his work clients, but I realize that he must do readership. After the remark, Whit- Use at your own risk! what he feels right to further his lock threw a chair at Klein, and See Bitz, page 25 WHOA HEY NOW Técnica • Friday, April 1, 2002 • 23
Bitz from page 24 Parking to model after MTV’s Road Rules on the front page above the fold. By Shirley Youjest over all of their money (including locals tossed around was to switch donic suggestion, one that was close Leave the Entertainment section for Staff Horrible Name Generator valuable jewelry, golden teeth piec- the RV to a red pick-up truck in- to his heart. “I’d like to see the cast the failed groupies,” said Kasteler. es and family members) to the park- stead, but show producers decided fit into a small car, like they do in At the press conference, Technique MTV seems like an unattain- ing department. Whether these items the logistics would be impossible. those reality TV game shows, park Entertainment Editor, Andrew able dream filled with unattainable will be returned to the cast remains Other changes: clues will now be illegally on Tech’s campus, and then Santelli was seen weeping in the hot guys (even though Carson Daly to be seen. (Although the money posted on GT newsgroups and the see how long it takes them to get a corner mumbling, “Why, God, would be considered unattractive will definitely NOT be returned as bull tied to the front of the RV will parking ticket from one of my park- Why?” Kasteler later commented at Georgia Tech) more than 800 evidenced by every Tech student’s be replaced with a ‘T’—but only ing-ticket-Nazis. They wouldn’t last that her eighteen-month goal was miles north of here? Not since that experience with the Parking De- once the first mission is completed. ten seconds! Muah ha ha ha ha!” As to gain syndication for the column. Matt guy got onto The Real World partment.) This is because the first of all of his face turned a deep purple, Weis “I have already contacted represen- by fooling MTV execs into think- The familiar Road Rules format the Georgia Tech-themed missions continued, “They’d run screaming tatives from The Daily Oklahoman, ing Techies were more than the ste- will be followed, with a team of of the new season will be to steal the like George O’Leary from Notre and we are in contract negotiations. reotypical CS major have we put college-aged students living together ‘T’ off Tech Tower, unscathed (both Dame when they saw that yellow By the end of 2002, I want to see ourselves on the teenie-bopping map. in a cramped RV, vying to win a physically and by the UJC Chief piece of hell descend upon their TwoBits running in high profile Go ‘head G. Tech! large pot of money for their team. Justice). Several other missions have windshield!” publications like The Marietta Dai- Now the hit “Ten Spot” show, One change that will be made is the been proposed as well. One that A group urination in the Reck, ly Journal and The National Inquir- Road Rules, will be gracing Georgia quantity of cast members. Due to was suggested has already been getting Buzzed “down south” and Tech’s parking lots with its wildly the size and stature of the average scrapped; the members would have attending a Drama Tech show have entertaining schtick. This news CS major, the number of members been instructed to attempt to get also been considered as challenges. comes only after the show’s pro- in the cast will be increased this caught cheating on a Computer Sci- The Tech saturated season of “I [the Two Bits Man] ducers were forced to wait a mere season. Road Rules producers ratio- ence assignment (but of course not Road Rules promises to be the best five years for the Parking Depart- nalize that the smaller the person, told if they were successful for at yet. The South’s Liveliest will be sure am not dating ment to grant them permission to the more that need to be put in the least 15 weeks), but this was deemed to tell you when O’Keefe and sur- [*NSYNC’s] Justin use the lots for the infamous bull- RV to decrease their comfort level. too easy of a task. rounding streets are blocked off again, headed RV. The producers were Another idea for change Georgian Rod Weis had a particularly sar- but now to welcome the cast. Timberlake.” impressed with Parking’s speed in Two Bits Man addressing the issue. Rod Weis, head Newly-Divafied Columnist of Georgia Tech Parking, takes the credit. “I really had to push for the necessary permits to be approved for MTV. I mean, we had graduat- er,” Kasteler said. ing seniors who have been request- At the conference, Kasteler also ing on-campus parking permits since took her first step towards reshap- their freshman year to whom I just ing Man’s image. “I am pleased to had to say ‘I’m sorry, my dead cat’s announce that Mr. Man and Justin needs are more important than yours. Timberlake are in a very solid rela- And this is no dead cat; this is MTV!’ tionship.” Entertainment pundits Plus, the producers said I might get question whether or not this rela- to appear on the show.” tionship could possibly last, given Does this mean bribery is the Timberlake’s inconsistent past with key to parking passes? Only time Spears. will tell. “I am not dating Justin Timber- Although the show will not be lake,” said Man leaving the confer- filmed until a cast is assembled and ence. Following behind, Kasteler the various obstacle courses are de- assured members of the press that cided upon, excitement in the shoddy Man and Timberlake were the ideal construction industry is building. pair, and that like any celebrity duo, “We must factor in the time it will they preferred to keep their rela- take to build a new parking deck tionship out of the public spotlight. and then rebuild it,” Rod Weis ex- If Kasteler’s representation of Man plained as to why production is be- prove false, he could be the second ing forecast for so long from now. Photo illustration by Scott Meuleners / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS celebrity to denounce Kasteler within According to show tradition, each This marvelous vehicle is the RV students will be traveling aboard in the new version of Road Rules currently one week. cast member will be forced to turn being planned as a joint venture between MTV and Georgia Tech’s Department of Parking and Transportation. 24 • Monday, April 1, 2002 • Técnica WHOA HEY NOW WHOA HEY NOW Técnica • Friday, April 1, 2002 • 25 Sideways Crossword Memories of April 1 By King Crossy IV 33. Timidity Student body officially “not very 65. Gilligan’s homestead Contributing Crossword Monarch 36. Slimer’s excretion 66. Small brook 37. Article 67. Transmitted adept” at selecting Oscar winners Across 38. 04/01/1849 item 68. Hotel-room features By Golden Boy Oxford, who took the big goose egg 1. Torah superset 42. Gangster Barker 69. Femur-tibia connections Senior Staff Statuette in this year’s contest. Oxford has 6. CTRL-z, sometimes 43. Scottish boy Down vowed to make it up on the co-rec 10. Liquid attack 45. Silencer button 1. Engagements The first ever Technique Oscars volleyball court, cleaning up along 14. Actor Flynn 46. Relaxing agent 2. root(2), for instance Forecast has come and gone, and with his WCF teammates. 15. Prima donna rendition 48. Channel 3. Porcupine quality it’s official. The intrepid Tech stu- The biggest controversy came 16. Ethereal 51. Citizens, to the IRS 4. Scottish bay dents who entered the contest should when Derick Stanger thought he’d 17. 04/01/1974 personality 52. Queen-bee mater 5. Moose be applauded for their efforts, though be clever and submit his answers 19. Vacation outing 54. Kidman film “___ and Away” 6. Inert gas they didn’t do so hot this year. after the winners had already had 20. Psoriasis, for instance 55. Christmas and New Years and 7. Brockovich of fame Congratulations to David Rott- their names read and been given 21. Thumbs-up! precursor 8. Onion cutter mann, the champion of this year’s their awards. Derick should feel 22. Waken 56. Irate 9. Hardwood contest. Rottmann picked five of ashamed of himself for trying to 23. Excessive (slang acr.) 58. Amtrak roadway 10. Subordinate bureaucrat the seven eligible categories correctly, cheat at this contest. Come on now, 24. Possess 60. Detergent option 11. Headdress of false hair (archaic) missing out on Halle Berry’s tri- it’s the Oscars Forecast, it’s not that 25. Cut again 61. In ____ of (replacement) 12. Funerary flower umph in the Best Actress category big of a deal! 27. Mosaic craftsmen 62. 04/01/440 BC building mate- 13. A, B, AB, or O for Monster’s Ball and Jim Broad- Anyway, Rottmann will win a 29. Conceited rial 18. Weaves bent’s surprising win in Iris. fabulous prize (that has yet to be 32. Club manufacturer 64. Drop heavily 22. Cleopatra killer This was substantially better than determined but will probably con- others in the field, like Technique sist of some free food). Don’t forget 12345 6789 10111213 24. Nabisco treat 26. Peseta upstager Editor-in-Chief Matt Bryan, who to join us next year for the Inaugu- 14 15 16 28. Little troll only picked one award winner cor- ral Second Annual Technique Os- 30. Techie Boston suburb rectly, and photography stud Brian cars Forecast contest. 17 18 19 31. Singer’s ailment 33. Bad cold, maybe Technique Oscars Forecast Official Results
20 21 22 1st, David Rottmann 5 out of 7 ○○○○ 34. Exists, to Jacques ○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○
2nd, Andrew Santelli, Technique Entertainment Editor 4 out of 7 ○○○○ 23 24 25 26 35. Historical period ○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○
tie, Virginia Bacon 4 out of 7 ○○○○
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27 28 29 30 31 tie, Daniel Weksler 4 out of 7 ○○○○
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5th, Scott Meuleners 3 out of 7
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44. Indignancy tie, Peter Sahlstrom 3 out of 7 ○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○
37 38 39 40 41 42 47. Perceptible by the eye tie, Matt Callaway 3 out of 7 ○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○
49. Enter uninvited tie, Jody Shaw 3 out of 7
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43 44 45 46 47 50. Flirtatiously shy tie, Jamie Schulz 3 out of 7
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51. Pocket PC competitor 10th, Wendell Turner, Jr. 2 out of 7 ○○○○ 48 49 50 51 ○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○
53. Delete tie, Kimberly Rieck 2 out of 7
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52 53 54 55 54. Corrects a malfunction tie, Justin Miller 2 out of 7
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56. Von Trapp gateway 13th, Matthew Bryan 1 out of 7
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56 57 58 59 60 57. Aida river tie, Matt Flagg 1 out of 7 ○○○○ 59. ____ lang syne ○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○
tie, Margarit Khachatryan 1 out of 7 ○○○○ 61 62 63 60. Broad smile ○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○
tie, Erik Pace 1 out of 7 ○○○○ 62. White lie ○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○
64 65 66 17th, Brian Oxford 0 out of 7 ○○○○ 63. Commandment container ○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○
DQ, Derick Stanger 7* out of 7 ○○○○ 67 68 69 ○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○ Answers are on page 24. Or are they? Derick Stanger was disqualified for submitting his entries after the Academy
Awards telecast had concluded. Derick, cheaters never win.
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By Daniel Uhlig / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS “The opponents will be mesmerized by the intimidating Tech students. ACC football powers beware!” said a shaking Georgia Tech president Wayne Clough. The new student seating area, which is actually on the Bobby Dodd sidelines, will put students right on top of the ACC football action. An on-site medical facility will be created to help students who are injured. Tech students to sit on football field at home games By Jason Burt but is the world ready for students the other teams’ faces,” said basket- tackles little [Kelley] Rhino,” said seat Florida State as the preemptive Contributing Writer to be right on top of the football ball forward Clarence Moore. Kindler. “I’ll be taking home more football power in the ACC? Maybe action?” Plans presented at an athletic as- than memories. I’ll be taking home next year will tell,” boomed Jack- Georgia Tech Athletic Director Braine thought up the idea after sociation meeting show students a boney body covered in a conglom- son. David Braine the success standing just inches from the out of erate of The announced the court- bounds area on all sides of the foot- bruises.” on-field yesterday side stu- ball field. Aging seats will re- plans to put “I’m ready, and I think Tech dent seats “The opponents will be mesmer- football an- “I can’t think of anything main free for students on is ready, but is the world have had ized by the intimidating Tech stu- nouncer better than having a 275 students and the field at the at basket- dents. ACC football powers beware!” Keith Jack- will also renovated ready for students to be ball games yelled a sweating and panting Wayne son fears pound Florida State open up Bobby Dodd right on top of the football in Alex- Clough after seeing the quicktime this could lineman run into me as he room for Stadium. ander Me- video presentation. change the paying fans “I think action?” morial Junior computer science major game. tackles little [Kelley] Rhino” in the old we have David Braine Coliseum. Mark Kindler knows he will arrive “Nes- Mark Kindler student something on students sitting on the field Both fans hours before the game to get the tled be- on students sitting on the field seats. Braine that will rip and play- chance to stand a few inches away tween also said on- through the ers have from his gridiron heroes. Atlanta’s site medical very fabric of the college football been big supports of the plan at the “I can’t think of anything better towering skyscrapers sits Bobby facilities for fans will be available world,” said an enthusiastic Braine. Coliseum. than having a 275 pound Florida Dodd Stadium at historic Grant for the frequent and massive inju- “I’m ready, and I think Tech is ready, “I love having the students in State lineman run into me as he Field. Will the upstart Jackets un- ries expected. 4 • Friday, March 29, 2002 • Technique NEWS Paul Hewitt proclaims self basketball dictator for life By Rob Hoffman a game below .500, but the squad McDonald’s All-American. Contributing Writer was the youngest in the ACC and “I care about this team’s future, played extremely well in the last its past, and the present,” said Hewitt. After two surprising seasons at “I am calling for this nation to stand Tech, including the Associated Press’ behind me. Those who don’t will award for Coach of the Year for the face the iron fist of Tech’s basket- 2000-01 ACC season, head men’s “I care about this ball program.” basketball coach Paul Hewitt de- team’s future, its past, Hewitt has commissioned his clared himself Georgia Tech Men’s and the present. I am warlords, headed by power forward Basketball dictator-for-life. Ed Nelson, to begin enforcement “I look down upon thee today a calling for this nation of the “Iron Fist Directive”. Ac- new man, a greater man,” proclaimed to stand behind me. cording to War lord Nelson, Hewitt Hewitt while standing on the mid- also plans on creating a shrine to dle of the basketball court with the Those who don’t will himself. Alexander Memorial lights dimmed. face the iron fist of “Dictator Hewitt would like to, “The time of vengeance is upon us. at this moment, announce to the We will prevail.” Tech’s basketball architecture department his inten- Fans and critics alike have been program. ” tions of fashioning a shrine that will very supportive of the second-year last longer than all of us will be on coach at Georgia Tech. After secur- Paul Hewitt this earth,” proclaimed Nelson. ing a birth to the NCAA tourna- on his new status “Also, it’s a great opportunity for ment in his first season as coach in a architecture students to gain real year that many analysts thought world experience.” would land Tech near the bottom Warlord Ed Nelson is believed Photo by Daniel Uhlig, Photo Illustration by Ian Clark / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS of the ACC, Hewitt signed a long- half of the season. Next year Hewitt to be Dictator Hewitt’s second in Paul Hewitt, shown in a file photo, has assumed a new and loftier status term deal to coach at Tech. This brings in a highly-praised recruit- command after garnering the ACC in the Georgia Tech athletic program. Hewitt is now dictator for life. past season Hewitt’s squad finished ing class that features Chris Bosh, a Rookie of the Year award.
Remember, the ads are real. The content is not. It’s the April Fool’s issue. NEWS Technique • Friday, March 29, 2002 • 5
wouldn’t want this guy on their Alums from page 34 Buzz from page 34 squad?” said Cooper in a telephone interview. level.” quality cog,” said Gailey. Tech AD David Braine didn’t Its been rumored that the team When asked what team he would elaborate on possible replacements, will be a unanimous No. 1 pick by like to play for, Buzz didn’t give any but there is some feeling that the all three collegiate baseball rank- clues. The Charlotte Hornets, who Jackets should contact the Georgia ings. Last time they were honored are rumored to be looking for young Bulldog mascot. so, which was last season, they blood to enter “There are cer- choked. “It will be interesting to see their struggling tain times where how the our chemistry will come franchise, would “What we are we have to drop together. I for one have never like seem to be the personal feel- the Red Sox. I’m full-fledged New perfect fit for looking at here is the ings,” said York Yankee” declared a current Buzz. perfect product to Braine. “I want Tech team member that wished to “I want to be to pursue all remain anonymous. a professional. market. Who wouldn’t leads.” Texiera will replace current third That’s it. Plain want this guy on their Clough and base starter Matthew Boggs, who at and simple. I Braine have es- times has had fielding problems, don’t care where squad?” tablished a na- and Nomar will take over for Victor I land,” said Lonnie Cooper tion-wide search Menocal at shortstop who will most Buzz. Athlete Agent committee re- likely move to second base. The Buzz’s agent, sponsible for the three players first games back will Atlanta-based placement of a be for next weekend’s home series. Lonnie Cooper, new Tech mas- is very confident Buzz can be a long- Returning Players cot. Braine also plans to consult term component of a team’s master with other long-standing mascots, Player Position ○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○ plan. including the Stanford Tree, the Kevin Brown P COURTESY GT SPORTS INFORMATION ○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○ “What we are looking at here is Fighting Irishman of Notre Dame, Nomar Garciaparra SS
Nomar Garciaparra, shown here during his career as a Yellow Jacket, ○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○ the perfect product to market. Cool. Sparty the Michigan State Spartan, Mark Texiera 3B is expected to help boast the offensive lineup of head coach Danny Hall. ○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○ Athletic. Fun. A real winner. Who and the Syracuse Orangeman. 6 • Friday, March 29, 2002 • Technique NEWS
page 34 Students swarm field Clough on Broadway Students will now be on the sidelines of all Multi-talented Tech President Wayne ‘ORTS home Tech football games after the success Clough will leave his post at GT to perform of the new basketball seating. Page 30 as the “Phantom of the Opera”. Page 21 Technica • Monday, April 1, 2002
Buzz leaves: A campus in shock Football ticket prices skyrocket Student ticket prices for home Buzz to forego final year, go pro games next fall will raise over 300 percent. The increase in ticket cost will be used to help fund the renovations of Bobby Dodd Sta- dium. Athletic Director David Braine said, “I hope the increased price will not affect student at- tendance, but it is necessary in order to complete the construc- tion on the stadium.” The tickets will increase an additional 150 percent for the 2003 season. Away game prices will remain the same. O’Keefe damaged by Bush-led party Wednesday’s ‘speech’ by Bush escalated into a fullout kegger in the O’Keefe Gymnasium. The invitation-only event destroyed the ground level floor and left the gym in shambles. Beer and alcohol were found covering the floor along with immense amounts of trash. All practices of the volleyball team and meet- ings of the bar bell club have been cancelled until everything can be fixed. Student to join Tech QB race Tech senior Justin Thamis proclaimed yesterday to his friends that he could easily win the quarterback competition for next year’s football squad. “We were eating at dinner, By Scott Meuleners / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS talking about football, and then Buzz, shown here asking for praise from the Georgia Tech student body, has decided to leave Tech for the money that a professional mascot can he starts going on about the quar- demand. “I have nothing but positives to say about the school, the fans and the athletic teams,” said Buzz in a news conference held at 2 p.m. terbacks next year,” said Mark By Ron Jeremy of Tech Cheerleading, Buzz will still placed all over the Tech campus, about my strength even after all those Quills, a senior Industrial Engi- Sports Editor compete for the title next week. had been taken over by a student pushups I did at the Navy game,” neering major. “Justin isn’t re- Tech administrators moved group called “BuzzcangotoHell” have said Buzz, referring to the football ally the joking type, and when Buzz, the famous mascot of Geor- quickly to restore order to the cam- been deemed false by Georgia Tech team’s record-setting bashing of he said it we all just kind of stopped gia Tech, announced at a 2 p.m. pus after the announcement which Cable Network’s Scott Sargent. Navy. “I am determined to show eating.” news conference that he will be fore- devastated many students and Tech “The station did go down for the sceptics that I am more than a Thamis, a native of Rich- going his final year of college eligi- faithful. The Student Center Post around 15 minutes, but that is pret- loveable toy.” mond, Va. told his friends that bility to enter the professional draft. Office, which was overrun by upset ty much normal for a weekday,” Despite his small stature, many he played varsity football, varsi- “I have nothing but positives to students, moved into lockdown said Sargent. analysts feel that Buzz can succeed ty baseball, and varsity basket- say about the school, the fans and mode at approximately 3 p.m. Buzz is scheduled to appear on at the professional level. ball in high school. However, the athletic teams,” said Buzz. “I “Students overturned the recy- GTCN Friday to calm students. “He’ll be a mid first round draft few of his friends actually be- entered Georgia Tech with the dream cled paper bin and started hurling Georgia Tech President Wayne pick this summer,” said ESPN’s Mel lieve he played any sports in high of becoming a professional one day. the paper at the post office work- Clough will also address the stu- Kiper. “I like his energy, his man- school. That day has finally come.” ers,” said a distraught Thomas Heller, dents during the announcement, nerisms, and there is no doubting “Yeah, I could see him play- Buzz has long been rumored to director of the Tech post office. “We scheduled to start at 5:30 p.m. his national titles.” ing intramurals,” said Sarah Jen- have aspirations of leaving school have stopped all incoming mail ser- While the campus reels at the Incoming football coach Chan nis, a junior chemical engineering early. The fabled Tech icon has won vices for 24 hours in respect for the news of Buzz’s departure, Buzz him- Gailey was upset he won’t get the major. “But he seems more of a the mascot of the year the last two safety of the U.S. Postal Service de- self is busy preparing for the up- chance to work with Buzz. fan. You know?” years and will be going for his third- livery staff.” coming mascot combine scheduled “I really saw him [Buzz] as a According to Thamis, his 4.5 straight this weekend. According to Rumors that the College Televi- April 15-17. speed and strong arm could be Buzz and Michelle Cherwa, Dean sion Network, which has televisions “People seem to have doubts See Buzz, page 33 of service to coach Chan Gailey. Tech alums return to finish eligibility By Pablo professionals to return. Some be- However, some feel otherwise. Staff Writer lieve that Coach Danny Hall has Redshirt Sophomore John Berthel- some incriminating pictures of the son said, “I don’t like them coming Many students are upset over NCAA president with a male swim- here, especially Kevin Brown, bec- the recently announced departure ming team. Most people do not uase my playing time will be cut.”(No of their lovable mascot, Buzz. How- care why they will be returning. record could be found that he is ever, they will not be sad for too Randal Britsnoft, an avid Tech base- actually a member of the team.) long. Due to a small loophole in the ball fan, was so excited upon hear- Head coach Danny Hall will have college eligiblity rules, past Tech ing the news that he immediately a hard time controlling the two old- stars Kevin Brown, Nomar Garcia- went to a tattoo parlor to get his er players. “I still have supreme con- parra and Mark Texiera will all be face permanently covered in yellow trol over Mark Texiera,” said Hall. returning for the remainder of this and blue. “He’s only been to the minor leagues season. They all want to help the The majority of the team is more and am not worried about a big Jackets reach the College World se- sedated than Randal but is still greatly head or anything. Garciaparra and ries in Omaha and bring the Cham- in favor of these new additions. “As Brown both may be an ego problem pionship home for the first time in long as Jason Varitek doesn’t re- though. I’m just hoping Brown’s By Daniel Uhlig / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS Tech’s history. turn,” said catcher Tyler Parker, “and body isn’t too old to compete at this Mark Texeria, shown here batting at NC State, is expected to provide No details were given as to the as long as it will help us win, I could even more pop at homeplate upon his return from the minor leagues. exact loophole that will allow the care less.” See Alums, page 33 NEWS Technique • Friday, March 29, 2002 • 7
Baseball from page 36 Carter from page 1 WAM Take Back the Night pitched decently, giving up seven hits and five runs, only three of them earned, and walking only one and striking out four; but he still picked up his second loss of the season. Led by a trio of hitters with multiple hits and a two run homer, Georgia ran away with the game after the fifth inning. The Bulldogs’ Bran- don Moorhead pitched a long four innings of relief to secure teammate Jason Fellows’ first win and his fourth save of the season. The silver lining for the Jackets was that Menocal picked up a hit to tie his career-best 20-game hitting streak. Although Menocal has his hit- ting streak and Perry was wonder- ful against Gardner Webb, I have to give this week’s Player of the Week honors to Kyle Bakker. Statistically By Ian Clark / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS one could that Goodman pitched President Wayne Clough dines with former U.S. President and Tech better this week but Bakker has yet alumnus Jimmy Carter at the Ivan Allen College Founder’s Day luncheon. to pitch a bad game this season and his SO/BB ratio is impressive for “When I put in my mind or heart “I will tell you that the greatest his kind of power. Hence, I had to my list of my attachments or my challenge that we face is the grow- give the nod to Bakker, otherwise sentiments, Georgia Tech has al- ing chasm between the rich and the he just might become the Susan ways been at the top.” poor.” Lucci of this award. His line for the Carter then began his keynote According to Carter, the U.S. week: 7 innings-pitched, eight hits, address, which was open to the en- provides less foreign aid than other 1 earned run, 2 walks, and six strike- tire Georgia Tech community. industrialized nations, which he sees outs. Though he was given the topic “An as a question facing Americans. The baseball season is nearing Open Society in an Age of Terror- “What is an ‘open society?’ Is it a its halfway point but it’s hard to ism,” Carter openly deviated from rich society encapsulated in self-con- determine just how good Tech is. the assigned thesis. gratulations and intensive commit- There have been pleasant surprises “I would not have chosen this ments to security and the exclusion in guys like Patterson and Clifton topic for myself,” said Carter in the of others or the reluctance to be By Scoot Meuleners / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS Remole, and Bakker is really ma- opening of his address. responsible for the lives of others? I Tech students marched around campus as part of the WAM “Take turing into the team ace that Tech Indeed, Carter made only a small think that’s counterproductive,” said Back the Night” event to fight sexual assault last Thursday night. will need for any College World number of observations related spe- Carter. Series aspirations. But question marks cifically to terrorism. First Carter “How do you combat terrorism? linger. Every quality opponent that urged the crowd and all Americans Maybe one way is to give people Tech has played, they have lost to to exercise caution when using terms hope,” said Carter in his close. Bush from page 1 and although their performance at like “terrorism.” The former President’s speech home has been perfect, it has been “It’s not easy for human beings capped a day that also included a event was supposed to be closed to preparation for the presidential vis- against weak opposition and their to refrain from the total condemna- morning panel that discussed “Civ- the public, but, when seats did not it. The majority of campus received road performance has been far from tion of those with whom we dis- il Liberties in an Age of Terrorism.” fill up, an official who was part of word from friends, the local news great. April should answer all these agree or whom we fear or whom we CNN anchor Miles O’Brien the presidential motorcade, and se- or from Communications Director questions, as the Jackets will fight- cannot understand,” said Carter. moderated the panel made up of cret service agents stopped to invite Bob Harty’s Mega-Mod email. ing for conference supremacy and “I really feel uneasy when Presi- Honorable Marvin Shoob, Senior students standing along Eighth Street Among the technologies dem- facing decent out of conference op- dent Bush brands an entire nation Judge, U.S. District Court; Dr. Ad- and Fowler. Also, several students, onstrated to the president by Tech position in teams like Georgia South- or an entire people as evil.” bullahi A. An-Na’im, Professor at already inside, used cell phones to researchers were a RADAR flash- ern and Auburn. I still don’t buy Carter then transitioned into his Emory Law School; and Stefan Aust, call and invite friends. light that allows first responders to GT’s ranking, this team is still too main argument—that fighting ter- Chief Editor of Der Spiegel, a lead- Several of these students even see through walls and doors to find young. rorism requires aiding the poor. ing German political magazine. got close enough to shake hands unconscious victims of a chemical with the president. On the experi- attack, and a PDA-based device that ence Andrew McLain, a fourth-year can monitor patient vital signs and ADVERTISING Management major said, “I thought transmit them over a secure, private it was unbelievable that I shook hands wireless network to doctors at a cen- with the most powerful man in the tral command post. world.” Also demonstrated was a shoe- Many students received first word box-sized detection sensor which of Bush’s arrival on Tuesday through can identify biological and chemi- a mass email sent to ORGT mem- cal agents, a PDA-based triage sys- bers, whose O’Keefe facility was shut- tem for victims of bio-terrorism down in preparation for the visit. attacks, and a mapping program Permit holders for lot A13 received which helps emergency management word from the parking department officials focus response teams and that their cars were to be moved in plan evacuation routes. 8 • Friday, March 29, 2002 • Technique pageNEWS 36 Hewitt becomes dictator Buzz to leave Tech Men’s basketball coach Paul Hewitt Tech’s famous mascot has decided to forego SPORTS procliamed himself Tech basketball dictator his final year of eligibility and leave the for life after two solid seasons. Page 31 Jackets to pursue a pro career. Page 34 Technique • Friday, March 29, 2002
Baseball Notebook: No. 5 Jackets overrated? Cheerleaders, by Buzz prepare for the nationals numbers The Tech cheerleaders and Buzz, who is gunning for his third- straight national mascot title, head to Daytona Beach, FL. April 3-7 0-0 for the National Cheerleaders As- sociation’s College National Career record of Georgia freshman Championships. Jason Fellows before he faced the Buzz and the cheerleaders will No. 6 Jackets on Tuesday in Ath- perform their national routine ens. He allowed only one run in Monday, April 1 from 7-8 p.m. their 7-1 defeat of Tech. in O'Keefe Gymnasium. Football recruit 1/2 wins national long Inches incoming freshmen I-Per- jump title fection Harris was short of this year’s I-Perfection Harris, slated to ACC championship winning jump join Chan Gailey’s football squad of 24’ 10.5”. as a defensive back, won the long jump title at the National Scho- lastic Indoor Championships in New York City with a jump of 24'10.50”. Harris’ jump was only 15 half an inch shorter than the ACC By Scott Meuleners / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS indoor champion this season. The Tech baseball squad, which trounched the Georgia Bulldogs 9-1 Wednesday after losing 7-1 in Athens Times Tech slugger Matthew Boggs Harris, a Statin Island native Tuesday, continued their undefeated record at the new Russ Chandler stadium. The Jackets are 14-0 at home. has reached base without the aid of who carries a 3.5 GPA, was a a hit. He has reached on balls nine PrepStars All-American and times and has been hit by pitches six ranked by SuperPreps as the 24th times. No. 6 GT dominates Dogs best skill athlete in the country. Maryland Terps 98-243 9-1 at home, fall in Athens stopped by soft- Three-point field goals made and By Joseph Jeong he gave up eight hits, a pair of walks two run homer he gave up to Gard- ball squad again attempted by Jacket senior Tony Staff Writer and runs but struck out six. Only ner Webb’s Jim Glueckert, Good- The Tech softball squad swept Akins. Akins participated in the 3- one of the run was earned. Brian man was untouchable on the mound. Maryland Wednesday in their point competition held on Thurs- It would have been yet another Burks and Victor Menocal came in Menocal had two hits and two runs first ACC action of the season 3- day and will be a player in the NABC typical week for Tech baseball had and finished up the job by pitching to led a trio of Jackets who picked 0 and 4-0. Lindsey Wood hom- Roundball Challenge. it not for the pesky Bulldogs in Ath- an inning each in relief. Gardner up multiple hits. He also pitched a ered twice for the Rambling ens. Until the 7-1 loss to Georgia, Webb hung around for most of the scoreless inning to complete his Wreck. the Jackets had yet to lose to an game as Tech’s offense couldn’t find rounded contribution. Patterson The Lady Jackets, off to a 27- atlanta unranked opponent, with all three the offense to put them away until reached double digits in stolen bases 9 start, advanced to the semi- prior losses coming to two Carolina the bottom of the eighth; where led but did get busted once on the base- fianls of the Buzz Classic last thrasherss teams, South Carolina and Wake by Jason Perry’s 4-5 performance, paths. He does have to look over his weekend before falling to even Forest. Gardner Webb didn’t turn the Jackets put up 4 runs to almost shoulder as Matt Murton is keep- tual champion Ohio State 7-0. number out to be a David, as they dropped double their output for the game. ing pace with his wayward ways as The Jackets nipped Maryland challenge both games in a two game weekend Tyler Parker hit is sixth home run Murton picked up his ninth stolen 2-1 in eight innings to advance hint: ‘01 Joltin’ Jackets and Dogs series, 9-3 and 6-2 respectively. of the season and Eric Patterson base in this game as well. to the quarterfinals. The two However, Georgia slung a mighty kept up his pilfering ways to get his The timely offense that helped squads were scheduled to face accurate stone and dropped Tech ninth stolen base of the season. Tech past Gardner Webb was miss- off Tuesday but the game was with a convincing win at Athens. Chris Goodman picked up his ing against Georgia. Even though postponed due to rain. 1-4 Tech’s ace Kyle Bakker contin- second win of the season by pitch- Tech drew first blood in the game, Freshman hurler Jessica ues to be infallible as he improved ing seven impressive innings in the it was the Bulldogs who feasted as Sallinger tied her Tech record of Here’s the number...what does it to 6-0 with yet another strong out- second game. He gave up seven hits they romped the Jackets 7-1. Burks 13 strikeouts in the loss to Ohio represent? ing in the first game against Gard- and two runs but walked no one State. Sallinger is now 13-4 on The first person to email ner Webb. In seven innings of work, and struck out four. Aside from the See Baseball, page 33 the season. [email protected] with the correct response to the chal- lenge will receive a pair of tickets to Tony Akins takes coliseum court for final time an Atlanta Thrashers home game, Songaila of Wake Forest. where admission is always half-price By Derek Haynes At 6:30 players from both the for select tickets with a student ID. Sports Editor Globetrotters and the NABC All- Visit www.atlantathrashers.com for more info on college nights. His senior year didn’t result in Stars will compete in a slam dunk the trip to the NCAA tournament and shooting competition. During that he wanted, but outgoing point halftime, the Globetrotters Micha- guard Tony Akins will get one last el “Wild Thing” Wilson will at- on chance to impress the homecrowd. tempt to break his own world record Akins will help a team of college dunk of 12-feet. Several players from all-stars take on the Harlem Globe- the college squad will also try to deckk trotters Friday evening at 6:30 p.m best Wilson record-setting dunk- Event Date in the Alexander Memorial Colise- ing mark. SM at NCAA championships3/29-3/30 um. Tickets for the game range from NABC Roundball Challenge BB at NC State 3/29-3/31 $15-$25. Last year’s National As- Tony Akins will take the Alexander SB vs. Virginia* 3/30 sociation of Basketball Coaches Roundball Challenge saw the Glo- Memorial Coliseum floor for the final TM vs. Virginia 3/30 time Friday as a member of the
TW vs. Virginia 3/30 betrotters beat the NABC All-Stars NABC college all-star team. ○○○○○○ 75-63 at the Target Center in Min- ○○○○○○○○○○○
SB vs. Ga Southern* 4/3 When: Friday, March 29 ○○○○○○ neapolis. ○○○○○○○○○○○
TM vs. Clemson 4/3 Time: 6:30 p.m. ○○○○○○ BB -- Baseball, SM - Men’s Swimming Other college stars expected to ○○○○○○○○○○○ take on the Globetrotters include Where: Alexander Memorial By Scott Meuleners / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS
TM – Men’s Tennis, TW – Women’s Tennis Coliseum ○○○○○○ Steve Logan of Cincinnati, North ○○○○○○○○○○○ Akins looks to drive in Tech’s home win over UNC. The senior, who
SB – Softball, * – Double Header Tickets: $15-$25 averaged 17.0 ppg and 5.7 apg last season, will play for the NABC All-Stars. ○○○○○○ Carolina’s Jason Capel and Darius ○○○○○○○○○○○