TECHNIQUE That April 1 Is on Its Way

Friday, March 30, 2001

Oh no, we didn’t forget Tech’s baseball team continues TECHNIQUE that April 1 is on its way... to do well in the ACC as the “The South’s Liveliest College Newspaper” Check out the inside! season progresses. ONLINE http://cyberbuzz.gatech.edu/technique TECHLIQUE inside SPORTS back page Serving Georgia Tech since 1911 • Volume 86, Issue 28 • 36 pages This is the real stuff, so believe what’s in these four pages. You can take your chances on the rest.

Opening stalled Kavanaugh, Watson by landslide for new deck The recently completed State Street parking deck will be further delayed in opening, according to a March 23 press release. An inspection of the deck has revealed cracks in the structural components, and to ensure safety, the Georgia State Financing and Investment Commission has contracted with a consultant to conduct an independent review of the facility. The full extent of any problems is unknown at this time, but opening will be delayed until the review of the facility is completed and “we are convinced that it is safe now and through- out the life of the structure,” according to the press release.

By Chris Baucom / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS By Daniel Uhlig / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS Chris Kavanaugh hits the campaign trail on the Skiles Walkway with the help of a Kavanaugh reacts to the election results; bystanders offered Students pass cow and chicken who urge students to “Vot 4 Kavanaugh” for Undergrad President. their congratulations outside the student government office. graduation In field of five, Kavanaugh receives 57% of the vote referendum By Tony Kluemper the highest in the nation. “I would like to think that peo- vice-president. Watson was excited Students voted in a referen- Assistant News Editor This year’s election saw five stu- ple know that I have a genuine love that he would have the ability to dum to not delay graduation cer- dents vying for the position of unfor Georgia tech and the student voice the opinion of Tech student’s emonies for a week following After over two weeks of cam- dergraduate student body president, body,” Kavanaugh said. “And peo- next year in SGA. finals, but to instead receive dum- paigning, the SGA elections for both and in the end candidate Chris Ka- ple have confidence in my ability to “I feel I’m qualified because of my diplomas in a commence- the Undergraduate and Graduate vanaugh came out on top of the achieve what I set out achieve.” my passion for it,” Watson said. ment immediately after the offices came to an end on Wednes- vote with a landslide victory over “I’m serious about getting points “I’m passionate about what SGA conclusion of finals week. day, March 28 when the election the other four candidates. of my platform accomplished along can do for the students. I believe my The result of the referendum results for next year’s officers were “I am shocked that I won in the with listening to the Georgia Tech prior work with SGA allows me to resolved a debate over gradua- announced. Over 2000 students way that I won; winning 57% if the students,” he said. bring students back to the center, as tion scheduling and the Tech tra- voted from March 26 until March vote with five people running,” Ka- The other major election this the focus of SGA.” dition of presenting diplomas at 28 for numerous positions in both vanaugh said. “I never expected to year also ended in a landslide victo- Watson also commented on the ceremony that had been at the Undergraduate House of Rep- do that.” ry. UHR executive vice presidential where he wants to take SGA in the issue since the Academic Senate resentatives and Graduate Senate. Kavanaugh felt that his genuine candidate Nate Watson captured upcoming year. decided to stop senior exemp- Tech’s consistent voter turnout rate love for Tech helped him to capture 1280 of the 2050 votes cast to be- tion from final exams. of around 25% or more is among a majority of the vote. come Tech’s next undergraduate See Elections, page 3 GT SMART fights binge drinking Weekends at Tech Winter Buzz By Jennifer Hinkel News Editor “No matter what GT SMART has done in the past, we want GT SMART, or Students Man- aging Alcohol Risk at Tech, began students to bring ideas that are in 1998 after Tech received a grant attractive to students.” to address high-risk drinking on campus. Sam Becknell “Primarily, GT SMART really GT SMART Project Coordinator is a coalition of faculty, students, and community people that are looking at ways to help reduce high risk eration of the program, has worked SMART’s community relations drinking on campuses,” said Sam to develop a Geographical Infor- committee for 2 years. Becknell, Project Coordinator for mation System (GIS) map of areas The mapping system identifies the program. surrounding campus, including the “potential hot spots,” said Brandon, Housed in the office of Student residential areas of Home Park, Ber- such as areas of high student popu- Affairs, GT SMART spends more kely Park, Underwood Hills, and lation density, alcohol distribution than two thirds of its budget on Virginia Highlands as one of the points, and incorporates crime and personnel salaries, in comparison program’s main projects. incident data into the geographical with the sixth of the budget is spent “We don’t really create new pro- information. on “other direct costs,” including grams,” said Becknell. “We only look “We want to see if there’s a cor- advertisements such as those recently at the systems within the university relation with alcohol and crime in- seen in the Technique, which run system and see where we can make cidence,” said Brandon. “It’s also a from $550 to $700. Another sixth an impact.” concern for student safety.” of the budget is spent on outside “The focus of the GIS mapping Once completed, the GIS map consultants. project is that it fits into the inci- will be available on the Internet. The initiative has spent over a dent management process by pro- “The ultimate purpose of [the year developing a brochure pub- viding us with a visual representation GIS mapping project] is to give us a lished this week, including basic in- of key factors that we think need to benchmark so as we move forward formation on the program and a be considered in order to establish a with the full-fledged incident man- By Andrew Santelli / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS sign up form for those wishing to strategic response to incident management process, we can see if the Students joined in a conga line at the Biltmore Hotel last Friday become involved. agement,” said Mike Brandon, who evening for the annual campus-wide semiformal, Winter Buzz. Becknell, who oversees the op- has served as co-chair of GT See SMART, page 2 2 • Friday, March 30, 2001 • Technique REAL NEWS

markers on cars; out-of-state plates, for extending the code of behavior “If there’s no ability to enforce SMART from page 1 duplex or multi-unit dwellings, only as much as makes sense, to [off-campus conduct], where do you multiple electric meters, and multi- protect the rights and the safety of go?” said Brandon. “You have to go number of incidents is decreasing,” tool to help neighborhoods see what’s ple Herbie Curbies” were among people living off campus as well as to law enforcement… if you go to said Brandon. going on.” the indicators listed. The team of those living on campus. law enforcement, the potential im- Some students have raised con- Along with using tax records, surveyors then snapped pictures of “If something happens, if there’s pact is going to be worse. It can also cerns about the privacy of off-cam- GT SMART also scheduled walk- various parts of the neighborhood, a situation where something’s out lead to more confrontational situa- pus living; GT SMART’s methods throughs of Home Park. On Satur- including both commercial estab- of control, I would like for the com- tions that are totally outside the con- for identifying student residences day, October 21 from 10 a.m. to 1 lishments and residences where signs munity members to be able to call trol of the campus, which can affect have not appealed directly to stu- p.m., the group was to meet, break of alcohol use were observed. Georgia Tech, and Georgia Tech the safety of students.” dents. into teams, “and survey Home Park Along with analyzation of geo- Most recently, GT SMART has “Georgia Tech currently does not graphical data, GT SMART has been been collecting data from students have a good set of information of involved with attempting to identi- to compile a list of non-alcohol re- where students are living who live fy specific dates as “potential prob- lated activities and entertainment. off campus… so we have to go be- “For the most vocal of lem dates where there could be “Our hope is to “There was a question about yond that, we have to go to the the communities, it’s increased party activity in the com- discuss behaviors. whether GT SMART was effective,” communities,” said Brandon. munity,” according to minutes from said Becknell. “No matter what GT “For Home Park, Berkely Park, easy to identify the the same October meeting. Some What impact do those SMART has done in the past, we and Underwood Hills, which are ‘hot spots’... they’re dates included all football games, behaviors have on us want students to bring ideas that the most vocal of the communities, home and away, the end of mid- are attractive to the majority of stu- it’s easy to identify the ‘hot spots’ apartment buildings.” term week, and dead week. as a community?”” dents on campus.” because they’re the apartment build- GT SMART has also been in- Mike Brandon Gail DiSabatino Rumors that GT SMART has a ings in the communities,” said Bran- volved in discussions on extending Community Relations Co-chair Dean of Students desire to change the words to “Ram- don. the student code of conduct to off- blin’ Wreck” that involve alcohol “We have a database based on campus situations. “It’s not target- consumption or stop the band from tax records that we actually put to- ed necessarily at off-campus playing “You’ve Said it All,” the gether with a community workshop first, then Berkely Park” looking students,” said Dean of Students would have the opportunity to in- Budweiser song, at football games that we did on November of 1998 for alcohol distribution points, al- Gail DiSabatino. “Our hope is to tervene at the appropriate time,” are unfounded. with Home Park… so we could tell, cohol messages on ads and billboards, discuss behaviors. What impact do Brandon said. “The [Bud] song came up as an with some degree of error, the own- “high-density areas where we be- those behaviors have on us as a cam- Extending the code to off-cam- issue, but after we looked at it, we er of a specific property in the com- lieve students live,” and “hot spots,” pus and as a community?” pus situations could help students decided in the scheme of everything, munity and what their home address according to minutes from an Oc- Extending the conduct code could in some regards, such as discourag- that’s not our fight, that’s not our is, so we can tell if they live there or tober 5 meeting of the community impact not only those who live off ing neighborhood residents from biggest problem,” said Becknell. if they are an absentee landlord. If relations committee. campus, but also those who go off taking matters into their own hands. “The decision was not to ad- they don’t live there, then it’s a rental “We’ve documented those ad- campus for any variety of activities. “One of the ways off campus dress the song at all right now... I property, and chances are pretty great dresses, which had one or more of “Living off campus doesn’t give behavior becomes so disruptive is think that if the song’s going to that it’s rented to students,” Bran- the following indicators,” reads a you the freedom to act in a way that when neighbors start taking action stop, it’s going to be the students to don said. report from the October 21 neigh- is going to infringe on the rights of towards getting rid of students in stop it, not the administration,” said Becknell calls the GIS system “a borhood survey. “GSU or Tech your neighbors,” said Brandon. “I’m neighborhoods,” said DiSabatino. Becknell.

this page has the real news. News, it’s good for you.

When the red, red robin goes hop, hop, hopping along... REAL NEWS Technique • Friday, March 30, 2001 • 3

Council Clippings Undergraduate House of Representatives Election from page 1

“I’d like to see an SGA that is look forward to working with the Cell phone bill fails, allocation bills pass more dynamic, more responsive, Senate next year,” said Childress. By Mary DeCamp campus. National Conference in Denver. more representative, and more di- The Graduate Senate will host a News Staff ECE Representative Brian Las- After amending the bill per JFC verse,” Watson said. “I’d like us to luncheon and a swearing in cere- seter authored the bill that was pre- recommendations, making the to- have succeeded in many initiatives mony for Childress and Foster on The March 27 meeting of the UHR sented first. This bill stated that tal $1,234, the bill was passed. and laid the groundwork for some April 19. The undergraduate offic- was brief, but the representatives students should be more responsi- Sophomore Rep. EW Looney long-term initiatives.” ers will be sworn in at the SGA were able to review of several bills. ble about their cell phones in class, authored the next bill, which dealt The elections not only covered banquest later in April. In his report, President J.R. Sprig- making sure to turn them off. It with the allocation of money to president and vice-president but In addition to choosing officers gle announced that comedian Jay also stated that faculty members Lambda Sigma Honor Society to UHR representatives for next year and reps, this year’s elections fea- Mohr will be performing at the Ferst should not overreact when a cell help pay for its upcoming annual as well. EAS rep- tured a referen- Center on April 8 at 8 p.m. Student Initiation Banquet. This bill passed resentative Bran- dum allowing tickets are $5. On April 10, Angie allocating $114 to the group. don Lenfest was students to decide Aparo will be performing at the Ferst IE Rep Carolina Andrade au- excited to be giv- “It was a good, close what option they Center. Tickets for her show are The bill stated that thored the next bill. This bill pro- en the opportu- preferred for fu- also $5. students should turn posed the allocation of money to nity to serve his race, and I look ture graduation Spriggle also mentioned that the the Spanish Speaking Organization fellow students forward to working ceremonies. The Team Leader Advisory Board is look- off cell phones in for its annual Hispanic Film Festi- next year in SGA. referendum asked ing to improve the current Psych class, and that faculty val. The representatives amended “I am excited that with the [Graduate] students whether 1000 program. Anyone interested this bill to comply with what the my fellow stu- Senate next year.” they would prefer in working with freshmen as a team should not overreact Graduate Senate did, and the bill dents voted me to graduate with leader should contact Lindsay Daly was passed allocating about $2600 Trey Childress when a phone rings. into office,” said dummy diplomas at [email protected] for to the group. Graduate President Elect Lenfest. “I hope immediately after more information. The final two bills presented were to have a wonder- finals week or wait He also said that there would be brought in front of the reps for a ful term next a week to receive an Intramural Table Tennis Tour- phone goes off in a classroom. Many second time. The first bill dealt with year.” actual diplomas at commencement. nament at SAC tonight from 6 to reps felt that this bill stated com- the allocation of money for the Cul- The Graduate Student Senate With over 2,000 votes cast, Tech 10 p.m. mon sense rather than a new initia- ture Fest Food Fair, and the second also held elections this week for next students decided that they would Director of Housing Dan Mor- tive, and, therefore, the bill failed. bill dealt with the allocation of money year’s officers. In the Graduate Pres- rather have dummy diplomas at grad- rison spoke to the reps and gave Management rep Allen Coye to SAC for six new machines. In the idential election, Trey Childress uation than delay the commence- some statistics about this year’s hous- authored the next bill. It proposed case of both bills there were minor defeated opponent Chuck Mull by ment ceremonies for a week. Real ing selection process. He said that, the allocation of money to the Man- discretions between the totals that only eleven votes, while in the vice- diplomas will be mailed after grade by the time the entire process is agement Consulting Club for fees the undergraduates voted on and presidential race Camille Foster won verifications are complete. over, approximately 200 to 300 stu- related to an upcoming conference the totals that the graduates voted the position after running unop- dents would not be able to get on- in Rochester. After amending the on. The reps changed their ver- posed. Election results for Undergraduate campus housing. 821 students were bill to comply with Joint Finance sions of the bills to match the grad- “I’m pleased to turn over the House Representatives were not offi- put on the waiting list, and of that Committee policy, the reps passed uates’ versions and passed both new presidency to Trey,” said Grant Jen- cial at the time of publication. Until number, several are withdrawing this bill allocating $204 to the club. versions of the bills. man, current Graduate Student Body the processing of possible election vio- their bids. He also mentioned that The next bill proposed the allo- In upcoming events, Greg Fos- President. “I’m sure he’ll do a won- lations is completed, the results will Housing is constantly trying to fig- cation of money to the Society of ter, who served as Undergrad Presi- derful job.” not be finalized. All unofficial results ure out ways to be able to house all Women Engineers to help pay for dent from 1994 to 1995, will speak “It was a good, close race, and I are posted outside the SGA office. students that want to be housed on funds associated with a trip to their at the April 3 meeting.

Three lame ducks in the span of three days... I couldn’t be happier! 4 • Friday, March 30, 2001 • Technique REAL NEWS page 4 Don’t get caught Don’t know that words? The Star-SpangledBanner is something Can you believe that guy! He doesn’t even SPORTS sacred. Find out what two students did to know the words to the song! We sing it all destroy that. April Fool’s... Page 32 the time, please! Inside... Page 32 Technique • Friday, March 30, 2001 Swimmers Molder, golf grab third win on season earn All- The golf team captured its third straight win and Bryce Molder took his third first place American finish of the season in this past weekend’s Cleveland Golf / Morris Williams Intercollegiate. honors By Derek Haynes Molder, currently ranked atop Georgia Tech sophomore Assistant Sports Editor Golfweek/Sagarin’s Collegiate swimmers Shilo Ayalon and Individual Performance Index and Tomonori Tsuji each earned Sometimes a little rain isn’t last season’s player of the year, honorable mention All-Amer- bad. has only finished outside the top ican honors after last week- The 2nd ranked Georgia Tech 5 once in eight starts during his end’s NCAA Tournament. men’s golf team, who led 23rd senior campaign. Tsuji captured 22nd in the ranked Oklahoma State by shot Kris Mikkelson, who finished 100 breaststroke prelims with heading into the final round of 6th in Las Vegas, finished 9th a time of 54.98 seconds and the Cleveland Golf/Morris Wil- shooting a 1-under-par 70-73. was joined by Ayalon who liams Intercollegiate, won the Senor Wes Latimer finished in a finished 28th with his time tournament after 36 holes as of- five-way tie for 25th, shooting of 3:56.52 in the 400-yard ficials were forced to cancel the 3-over-par 71-76=147. Junior individual medley. Tsuji’s last round due Matt Wei- time set a new school record to inclement bring, finished in the event. weather. in a tie for 37th The win is “We went to Austin place shooting Tech’s third in 6-over-par 73- a row, follow- expecting hot, 77=150. Men’s Tennis ing victories in windy conditions, The Jackets the Puerto barely finished blanked by Rico Classic three tournament the second and the Las Ve- rounds and a round, as the Duke gas Intercolle- cold and rainy On the men’s side of the giate. performance similar weather caused court No. 23 Tech dropped Senior By- to Las Vegas. But we play to run al- a disappointing 7-0 contest rce Molder tied most till dark- with ACC opponent Duke. David Duval got none of them.” ness. Duke is currently ranked No. for career Tech Bryce Molder As a team, the 3 in the NCAA and has a 10- tournament From his Web Diary Jackets shot 2 record. The Jackets now victories with 281-292=573, head to Virginia to take on eight as he won finishing 3-un- the Cavaliers this Saturday. his third victo- der-par. ry of the season, shooting rounds Tech will look for its 4th of 67 and 68 to finish 9-under- straight tournament victory in par. Molder was tied with re- Puetra Vallarta, Mexico in the Women split cent graduate Matt Kuchar, who U.S. Collegiate Championships received a sponsor’s exemption on April 6-8. Tech won the event away matches to play in the BellSouth Classic last year in the Mexican resort The Lady Jacket tennis this weekend in Duluth at the town. ESPN will televise the event players scored the 6-1 win TPC Sugarloaf. The win was on April 7-8. over Furman Saturday but Molder’s first of the spring sea- Unfortunately for the Jack- dropped a 6-1 contest to No. son. ets, number-one ranked Geor- 3 Georgia Tuesday. Tech’s By Daniel Uhlig / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS Franklin Hatchet of South- gia won the Schenkel E-Z-GO only win in the match with Bryce Molder captured his third first place finish of the season and led the team to ern Methodist finished two shots Invitational for the second- Georgia came in the number their third straight tournament win in last weekend’s Morris Williams Intercollegiate. back. straight year in Statesboro. two spot by Jamie Wong who defeated the Bulldog’s Lori Baseball right at home winning 7-of-last-8 Grey 6-4, 2-6, 6-2. By Derek Haynes In the seventh, the Jackets Kevin Cameron. Cameron last- Assistant Sports Editor sent nine batters to the plate giving ed only 3.2 innings in the no Track and Tech a 10-4 lead. A 3-run Bran- decision. Tech bounced back from last don Stockton triple would be Friday and Saturday went Field returns week’s loss against Georgia, tak- the back-breaker for the Bears. much better against the Terra- ing the final four games of their Brian Prince also had a one-run pins. Friday the Jackets domi- from Al. eight-game homestand includ- double in the inning. nated Maryland 15-1, and Relays ing a three-game sweep of Mary- Stockton went 2-4 with 3 RBI Saturday wasn’t much worse as land. the Jackets played a complete The Jacket men ran for The baseball team (21-6), game winning 8-1. three top-10 finishes in the ranked number three in both In the 15-1 win Friday, Steve relay events and finished ninth Baseball America’s and Colle- “Victor [Menocal] Kelly threw 7 shutout innings in the 32 team field at last giate Baseball’s polls, wrapped and Menocal hit his second hom- weekend’s Alabama Relays. up their homestand with a 10-4 is a guy who works erun of the season and drove in Tech track heads to Gaines- win over Mercer (18-10) on very hard and takes 5 runs. Maryland used 5 pitch- ville, Fl. next weekend to com- Tuesday. ers in the game, and Tech pete in the Florida Relays. Freshman Matt Lorenzo (2- a lot of pride in his knocked out starter Eric 0) tossed 5 innings of shutout game” D’Alessandro (1-2) in only 1.2 relief against Mercer, retiring 13 innings. Softball tops straight batters between the third Danny Hall Saturday against the Terps it and seventh innings. Head Baseball Coach was Rhett Parrott’s turn to shine Harvard takes The right hander allowed only on the mound. Parrott (6-1) one in Buzz two runners to advance past first tossed eight innings, allowing and lowered his ERA to 1.50, in the game, raising his average one run, three hits, and striking Classic tied for first on the team. to .365. Richard Lewis and out 6. Menocal, who usually plays Tech jumped to a 4-1 lead, Menocal also had 2 hits in the shortstop, shined in his first start The Lady Jacket Softball but a three run homer from contest. at third. Menocal went 4-4 with team (18-13) took both games Mercer’s Brandon Blair, his sev- Sunday against Maryland (5- two runs and a double. Menocal (3-2, 4-1) in their Tuesday enth of the year, tied the game at 15, 0-6 ACC), the Jackets had was the only multi-hit player in doubleheader with Harvard. four. Victor Menocal would tri- their closest game of the series the game. Pitcher Erin Voeltz (9-8) ple and score on a wild pitch winning 11-9. Prince went 3-5 The Jackets head to Charlot- By Daniel Uhlig / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS picked up the win in both from Bears starter Jason Page with 3 RBI and relivier Brian tesville, Virginia to take on the Rhett Parrott started for Tech in last week’s contest contests for the Jackets. Sus- (6-3) in the fifth to give the Jackets Burks (2-0) notched the victory Cavilers (16-10, 4-5 ACC) this with Kent State. Parrott is 6-1 with a 4.43 ERA anne Miller finished the day a 5-4 lead. for the Jackets in relief of starter weekend in a 3-game set. and 32 strikeouts for the Jackets this season. with 3 hits, 1 run and 2 RBI. page 6 DOGMA Editorial Board: A Crib Scum Ho, Editor-in-Chief Technique • Friday, April 1, 2001 us Elfin He Jerk Inn, News Editor to Freed Jenny Ski Opinions Editor g OUR VIEWS Consensus Opinion A Cutback Rhetoric, Campus Life Editor n A Bagel Rash Ray, Entertainment Editor lo Bantam Try, Sports Editor e Matt Mason for Prez Allied Hug In, Photography Editor b A Face Myrrh Sin Tin, Advertising Manager re This year’s election stirred deep feel- Runs Around Naked, Online Editor Jaw Do Shy, Managing Editor a ings of sadness among the older students se Quote of the week: on campus. Something, or someone, was a “It’s April fools, don’t take anything too missing. Matt Mason has been a continu- b seriously.” –someone at some time or another r ous figure in recent undergraduate presi- u dential elections—and, unfortunately, lost. o His love of attention and ability to schmooze y like no other added a spark to elections that has been extin- ll guished. You always knew when he was in the room. Alas, he a had to graduate sometime, but will truly be missed. Here, only a few short months before his graduation, we are able to proclaim: Matt Mason for President. Maybe not of UHR, but of something. Maybe a Fortune 500 company? Stop alcohol abuse GTstupid has the right idea of how to deal with alcohol abuse on campus. It needs to stop, and waste will not be tolerated. That last bit in the handle? Save it for another visit. That cup you just can’t finish? Put it in the fridge for another day. With the rocketing prices seen in ads, alcohol abuse and waste must cease. Like natural gas, booze must be conserved, and every available bit must be used to meet the need. Do your YOUR VIEWS Letters to the Editor part and stop the abuse. Female stalkers invasion out of control Recent issues of the paper have But this is too much. They have fewer males are attracted to cam- Hazing told lies about the true relationship invaded our dorms. I opened my pus. Upon arrival, men are fright- between the sexes on campus. It’s closet door this morning and three ened away by the sheer numbers of The Technique has taken the challenge and needs to gain time to tell the truth—together, men of them fell out. I can’t even tell you loud, forward women. immunity. Hazing is the only way to prove who is worthy of can not be afraid any longer. what they tried in the shower. We only have a few years left being a staff member or editor and who gets voted out of the What I’m talking about is the In fact, I recently learned that before the invasion is complete and rampant stalking on campus. Not the Tech ratio is incorrect. There the men are run out of campus. office. A little water, sewage, or other abuse never hurt anyone. of females, but of men. Men every- are actually three women for every Some may like the attention, but It only makes them stronger—and better writers. It’s too late where are encountering this prob- man. My three happened to be in they are first semester freshmen. All to stop it because its TRADITION, and we have rich alumni lem. We walk out of class and the my closet. Do you know where yours this good lovin’ gets old after awhile. women are waiting to pounce. They are? I can’t even crawl into bed without who will pay our way out of trouble. follow us to our dorms, promising Why would they keep this ratio finding some gorgeous blonde wait- to buy us computer games and ful- a secret? It is a conspiracy to make ing. We must fight back, but who Consensus editorials reflect the majority opinion of the Editorial fill our deepest fantasies- all with- Tech an all women school. It start- can argue with women? Are we Board, but not necessarily the opinions of individual editors. out forcing us to leave our computers ed with Women’s Awareness Week doomed to go to U(sic)GA? or spend any money. and has spread. By putting out low At first, it was a welcome change. female numbers, more females and Worn out by women J.R. Spriggle issues eleventh hour presidential pardons By Chris Kavanaugh’s Mom After a significant contribution From the ’Lique’s Belmont Bureau from BPP, Mr. Spriggle has agreed to free from punishment Mr. Chris As J.R. Spriggle, Commander Young for his part in the mysteri- in Chief, leaves his humble office ous disappearance of several refer- for the year, the Techlique has dis- ees in the Georgia Tech-St. Joseph’s covered that he has received several game last month. last-minute campaign contributions, Against the better judgement of and is in the position to consider his cabinet, President Spriggle has pardoning a number of parties. agreed to pardon the Physics De- After coming to the conclusion partment for the deplorable crime that an official Presidential Pardon of teaching physics. holds a value of about $42 (or free In light of the recent student nSync tickets for ODK Social Chair body elections and after consulta- Scotty Crowe), he set himself to the tion with VP-elect Joseph Natha- daunting task of deciding whom he nael Watson, Spriggle has agreed to should pardon. reduce the punishment for candi- So far, the list is closely guarded, date Joseph Katzen for, as he puts but the Techlique has learned the it, “multi-flasking” during school intimate details of the following hours. Instead of the original 10- entries on the 2001 Presidential year exile to Athens, the new order Pardon List. decrees that he shall undergo 15 First, Spriggle has agreed to free weeks of GTstupid training. from all legal entanglements stu- As a welcome relief to the students who have received parking dent body as a whole, the outgoing tickets after being falsely informed By The Republican / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS that the StuCen visitor lot was full. See Pardons, page 9 DOGMA Technique • Sunday, April 1, 2001 • 7 EDITORS’ VIEWS Staff Opinions TECHLIQUE “The Soused Late-night College Newspaper” Aerospace engineers poised to take control of campus Established in 1911

The Aerospace Engineering de- field? We’re really having missile Editor-n-Sync partment is giving notice that we “The most important reason we silos placed. Chris Baucom are taking over campus. That’s are going to take over campus Of course, wars aren’t won by right—many of you have guessed it Intercontinental Ballistic Missiles • • • before, seen the signs. First, we in- can be summed up in four alone. We will launch our attack filtrate the editorial board of the words: We’ve got the bombs. ” squadrons. So when you see an Schmooze paper. We took high profile posi- Osprey (after all, we do specialize in Jennifer Hinkel, Editor Tony Kluemper, Assistant Editor tions, such as Photo Editor, Enter- Rita Skeeter rotorcraft here) hovering over your Nassir Barday, Mary DeCamp, Jennifer tainment Editor and Campus Life AE addict house, just smile and wave. LaHatte Editor. That way we can control We will not gun down your house Dogma your every thought and action, bi- if you paint a giant Buzz on your Jennifer Dykes, Editor Chris Kavanaugh’s Mom asing your opinions about every- ing department is eliminated, there The will take out all of the heavily- roof. Wendy Anderson’s Boyfriend thing. will be no legitimate threat from armored GT police cars with its The next step will be to launch walksideways.com ULC 119 Then we slowly infiltrate other other academic buildings. We hold twenty foot long cannon with 33 all the people who oppose us into positions of power. Aerospace En- the monopoly on common sense. mm shells. That will eliminate all space. We’ll put them in a Progress Living Large Becca Cutri-Kohart, Editor gineers are insidious. There may not That’s right—I mean, what can Elec- possible vehicular resistance. supply capsule, launched from the Julia Trapold, Assistant Editor be many of us, but it only takes a trical Engineers do without a me- Once we have ensured our au- former Soviet Union. They’ll be Rina Bala, Rob Hill, Andrew Santelli few people in key positions. chanical system to put their thority on campus, we will begin to aimed at the spot in space where Slap Yo Mama The most important reason we technology in? And, hell, we can push our high-flying agenda. The Mir used to reside. Of course, since Sarah Graybeal, Editor Alan Back, Casey Fiesler, Kit FitzSimons, are going to take over campus can totally live without the computer first step will be to convert the Cam- Mir is now at the bottom of the Chuks Ibeji, Andrew Santelli, Jayson be summed up in four words: We’ve support of the Computer Engineers panile Fountain into a launch pad. Pacific Ocean, their module will Wehrend got the bombs. and Scientists. The bottom line is Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we are keep flying into space. Or it may Sports That’s right. We’re responsible AE’s can live without computers. going to launch the Shaft. It will be not escape Earth’s gravity, then they, Matt Bryan, Editor Derek Haynes, Assitant Editor for the creation of almost all weap- We still have faculty that like to the First Shaft in Space, if you will. too, would crash into the Pacific Kevin Lovering, Derick Stanger ons of mass destruction. But even hand plot graphs. I was personally While we’re at it, we may launch Ocean. Production more insipid are our small, yet le- introduced to the slide rule by an- several other buildings, after all, if Aerospace Engineers don’t know Christina Freyman, Advertising Mgr. thally accurate ballistic technolo- other (now retired) faculty mem- you put a large enough engine on it, the definition of failure. We can get Boo Swain, Production Mgr. Gavin Cramblet, Copy Editor gies. After all, a missile and a space ber. you can make anything fly. The 20% on a midterm, and still be on Adam Toner, Ads Technician ship are practically the same thing. Our planes can certainly run with- first Tech tower in space might be the top half of the curve. Most oth- Photography Our first order of business will out computers. Haven’t you heard our next objective. er programs require a 40% to be in Daniel Uhlig, Editor be to target the Mechanical Engi- of a suction driven gyroscope? If my The next step will be to clear out the top half. Wade Burch, Darkroom Mgr. Kristi Odom, Assistant Editor neering department. That should Cessna can fly with it, so can my F- the land stretching from the Burger All this pacifism stuff I’ve spout- Carter Green, Assistant Editor be easy enough—the circular archi- 18, right? Bowl to SAC fields. This will be ed in previous editorials, that was Marques McMillan, Brian Oxford, John Jewell, Andrew Pae, Rob Hill, Bill Allen, tecture makes a perfect bulls-eye. As for the rest of students on used for a landing strip so we can just a front. It concealed my hidden Dale Russell The plan will probably be to do an campus, we plan a pleasant life of bring in our multiple squadrons of agenda as part of a master group of Online air raid, dropping small bombs. Ef- slavery for them. Management ma- attack aircraft can be positioned stra- aerospace engineers plotting to take Matt Flagg, Editor fectively, we would blow up the jors, well, they also make very good tegically at our home base for their over the world. And it all started Martin Wiggins, Assistant Editor building. secretaries (they actually prefer the eventual conquest of the world. right here, with our involvement in Managing Editor Luckily, we used political ma- term “administrative assistant” or That’s right, we’re moving onto editorial board of the Technique. Jody Shaw neuvering to prevent any threats “office managers”). the conquest of the world. From Consider this your notice. From from the Nuke E’s by having their We currently have our senior Georgia Tech we will mount a glo- now on Technique will be all AE, all Board of Student department dismantled. design students working on a mod- bal attack force. You know all the the time. Welcome to our brave Publications Dr. Carole E. Moore, Chair Once the Mechanical Engineer- ified A-10 Warthog “Tankbuster.” construction over by the baseball new world. RoseMary Wells, Publications Mgr. Billiee Pendleton-Parker, Adviser

Advertising and Accounting Spinning cats, speeding trains, and other odd ramblings Nancy Bowen, Business Mgr. Marcus Kwok, Accounts Mgr. Donna Sammander, Advertising Mgr. Just a few short months ago a with different butters and butter story broke in the local papers about “Remember to pick up both the alternatives, the students reached a • • • a train being built near Shanghai, quote and the picture box when final product. “The food guys China. Now, normally I skip any brought in some pumpernickel one Copyright Notice Copyright © 2001, Christopher L. articles that don’t involve monkeys, moving this onto your layout. day and within an hour they had Baucom, Editor, and by the Board of dogs, or some sort of free doughnut slapped a little honey butter on that Student Publications. The Technique is an Don’t change the picture size!” official publication of the Georgia Tech offer, but this one caught my eye. thing and it was flyin!” recalls Sim- Board of Student Publications. No part of Apparently the city had signed a Doughnut pson. “It’s still no mule, but I’d take this paper may be reproduced in any manner without written permission from contract to install the first opera- Man of the room that’s dark me one of those things any day.” the Editor or from the Board of Student tional magnetic levitation train. The Plans are now underway to use the Publications. The ideas expressed herein are those of the editor or the individual line would rush passengers from bread and butter combination in authors and do not necessarily reflect the downtown to a new airport at speeds was able to reach the Department was give a little push and they’d fly numerous industrial applications. views of the Board of Student Publications, the students, staff, or faculty of over 300 mph while hovering on of Animal Sciences to gain some right across the room.” The four I think this should be an exam- of Georgia Tech, or the University System powerful magnets just inches off insight into the failed bid. The de- students had come across a low cost ple to everyone who has ever cried of Georgia. the track. Intrigue aside, there were sign idea stemmed from a research alternative to the energy consum- “To Hell With Georgia.” Even no monkeys dogs, or doughnut in- project topic Professor Hargrove ing magnets that allow a maglev though our rival came up a bit short Advertising Information Information and rate cards can be found volved. Still, I read on. The papers Simpson posed to his Animals in train to hover above the tracks in in China, they made amazing break- on our World Wide Web site at estimated that the project would Industry class. The question read, near frictionless conditions. throughs in the technology field we http://cyberbuzz.gatech.edu/technique/. The deadline for reserving ad space and cost up to $950 million dollars (rough “Is there anything better than a mule Word of the success soon spread, claim to hold as our own. It is time submitting ad copy is noon on Friday, one estimate here: 1 Maglev train = 1.5 or what?” Although unable to an- and the group was asked to refine that we as Tech students recognize week prior to publication. There are no exceptions to this policy. For rate billion hot Krispy Kremes). The ar- swer the professor’s inquiry at the their design for use in industry. Al- the abilities and talents of our neigh- information, call our offices at (404) 894- ticle also noted that the contact had bors in Athens. I personally chal- 2830, Monday through Friday from 10 time, several in the class chose to though the cat combination worked a.m. to 5 p.m. Advertising space cannot be been signed with a German consor- pursue it further. Four students, well, the difficulty of feeding ani- lenge each and ever student on this reserved over the phone. The Technique office is located in room 137 of the tium of companies including engi- under Simpson’s watchful eye, spent mals in a constantly spinning ball campus to reconsider your views Student Services Building, 353 Ferst neering giants Siemens and their final three senior years in in- coupled with an overwhelming with an open mind. Together we Drive, Atlanta, Georgia 30332-0290. Questions regarding advertising billing ThyssenKrupp. tense research. In their pursuit of a sound of meows proved to be fatal can change the awful treatment that should be directed to Marcus Kwok at What was most interesting was better animal, the team stumbled flaws. The group needed another U[sic]GA has received. So the next (404) 894-9187, or RoseMary Wells at who didn’t get the job. Another upon a true breakthrough in ani- plan. “We knew that cats would time we plunder the Dawgs in ath- (404) 894-2830. version of the maglev train, devel- mal science. spin so we figured ‘why not bread?’ letics, please don’t hurt the hedges. Letter Submission Policy oped by Japan, was also considered. The group focused on Gus’s Fall- cause it always lands butter side And if you see a drunken U[sic]GA The Technique welcome all letters to the On test tracks it had reached speeds ing Feline Theory that states, “A cat down” recalled one student. “You football fan slash the inflatable buzz, editor and will print letters on a timely and space-available basis. Letters should be in excess of 350 mph. However the will always land on its feet unless it’s don’t have to feed bread and it ain’t treat him with love and respect. Re- hand-delivered, mailed to Georgia Tech prototype was not equipped with dead or has no feet.” Based on that loud neither.” At that point the member, he might have designed Campus Mail Code 0290, or e-mailed to [email protected]. Letters brakes and was subsequently de- idea, two cats were glued together students called in a heavy hitter to your ride home. should be addressed to Chris Baucom, stroyed when the island nation ran back to back. When dropped, the help guide the research. The School Editor. All letters must be signed and must include a campus box number or other out of land to extend the track. The cat combo hovered in mid air. The of Culinary Arts joined the team to Editor’s Note: This is the April Fools valid mailing address for verification third, and arguably most remark- students quickly realized the possi- help with the advanced calculations Issue. No one, even U(sic)GA stu- purposes. Letters should not exceed 350 words and should be submitted by 8 a.m. able train considered, was the Unit- bilities of their find and started ex- needed to produce two pieces of dents, should be silly enough to think Wednesday in order to be printed in the ed State’s entry designed by our perimenting with different cat bread with enough butter to stick we are actually encouraging loving following Friday’s issue. Any letters not meeting these criteria or not considered by in-state rivals U[sic]GA. It addressed combinations. Adding more cats sim- together without having it soak treatment towards those located off the Editorial Board of the Technique to be many of the issues that have plagued ply increased the stability and hov- through. The group worked tire- the dirt road. Understand the humor, of valid intent will not be printed. Editors reserves the right to edit for style, content, maglev trains in the past. er ability of the group. As one student lessly from noon until “the wres- and imagine how funny life would be and length. Only one submission per After several calls to various farm- said, “them cats were just a’ spinnin tling match” everyday for weeks. if we actually did what the Doughnut person will be printed each term. hands on the Georgia campus, I and meowin and all you had to do After trying hundreds of bread types has suggested. 8 • Friday, April 1, 2001 • Techlique DOGMA MORE VIEWS Letters to the Editor Library should offer housing CoC building guilty of human brutality After the continued housing Hopefully some knowledge will I have a serious concern about a So I’m asking every CS major to on the first floor. As popular and recent change to the College of Com- UNITE! Let us throw down our convenient as they are, everyone who crunch, I have a solution that reach me through diffusion. puting that has negatively impact- “ergonomic” chains and uprise at 1 has spent more than 2 hours sitting will please students and housing Sometimes, I sneak into one of ed almost every CS major here at a.m. on April 10, 2001! Show up to on the benches knows how much of staff alike. Do you feel you can’t the “off-limit” floors for some Tech. No, it’s not the watering down a literal pain in the ass they are. So, afford housing? Does your lot- extra privacy. of CS2130 or the decision to switch with the proceeds we can bring in tery number mean you have no Of course, this is too good to chance at getting campus hous- last. Others are catching on- I from pseudocode to Scheme. It’s from the sale of over 100 keyboard ing? Does your family live on have two new neighbors. Hous- those damn “ergonomic” keyboard “So I’m asking every trays, we shall purchase the most and mouse trays that they’ve at- comfortable cushions for the benches the moon and you have no car to ing should buy the library and tached below every workstation in CS major to UNITE! that our budget will allow. If we get you around? I have discov- charge reduced fees for the floor every lab! have the means to purchase those ered the perfect solution. space of one cubicle. Students Let us throw down our It’s not at all uncommon to hear vibrating chair covers that everyone The library’s new 24 hour can sleep underneath their desks. ‘ergonomic’ chains policy has provided me with a To encourage people to move a barrage of swearing from the un- loves to sample at Brookstone, then home for almost a full semester. in, a chair could be thrown in lucky student who just slammed his and uprise at 1 a.m. it will be so. Picture yourself enter- or her knees into those crappy con- ing the picnic area only to find a sea I sleep under one of the desks, free of charge. These changes traptions. I have yet to meet a stu- on April 10, 2001!” of smiling geeks and the low hum of shower at SAC, and use the com- could make the dream of living dent who actually uses the device 40 vibrating bench cushions set to puters and television in the Stu- on campus possible for more hard and everyone I’ve talked to about the wave massage mode. dent Center. And it’s all free. working students. Sure I sacrifice some privacy, but this has expressed these same angst- the States cluster with a screwdriver Let’s put an end to our CoC know I have in a studious envi- Wanderer ridden feelings. As a result of the and a will to revolt. We’ll personal- discomforts, no matter how slight stupid things, all the keyboard and ly remove every last one of the key- they may be. We have the best com- ronment almost 24 hours a day. Cubicle 3A mouse wires now stretch from un- board trays and properly arrange puter equipment at Tech. We spend derneath the desk, over the side, the cables the right way. a huge amount of time working on and up on top to the proper loca- While I’m a roll here for orga- them. So why not have the best tion of these devices. This causes a nizing guerilla campaigns to improve workstation environments as well? Pardons from page 6 painful restriction on our mouse the CoC, let’s discuss the picnic and keyboard positioning liberties! benches in the main “picnic area” Brushed and battered officer has agreed to release from lic scandals, Mr. Spriggle has agreed failure the 226 students who have to pardon ANAK (and its alter-egos not received passing grades in KANA and “Magnum Pi”) for se- Get degrees before graduation, even with finals CS1312. As a secondary note, Mr. cretly and single-handedly causing Spriggle pardons the COC for be- the energy crisis in California and The push for senior finals has The remaining students could then the Institute would notice an over- coming upset at this pardon. refusing to take credit for it. resulted in a lot of talk about an be told to return to their rooms, all increase of quality and satisfac- After recently sitting his Presi- He has also agreed to pardon issue that can easily be resolved. While pack up, and go home. Think of the tion among the students. dential rump in one of the new “snap- walksideways.com for illegally fun- the exams mean that the gradua- money they could save by failing Without worrying about the pres- py-decor” wooden chairs in the nelling campaign contributions from tion ceremony cannot include the out so soon. Surely their parents sures of graduation, the students Student Center Food Court, the the Techlique in its massive laun- giving of actual diplomas, there is would find this appealing, especial- could spend their time at Tech fo- President pardons Associate Vice dering operation. another ceremony whose purpose ly considering the economy. cusing on their studies and extra- President for Auxiliary Services, Roz As a scribble on the report smug- could be tweaked to make all par- As for the lucky recipients of a curriculars. It’s a win-win situation Meyers, for purchasing $29.95 (plus gled to the Techlique, Spriggle con- ties happy. diploma, they would be allowed to for everyone involved, except for shipping and handling) Ikea chairs. sidered pardoning the news weekly Freshmen Convocation has tra- continue taking classes until gradu- two-thirds of freshmen. Maybe they For stealing Techlique pizza pri- for its occasionally-distressing rela- ditionally been the first meeting of ation, where they would walk across could try again the next year and or to the 7:25 pizza-absconding grace tionship with Auxiliary Services. the entire freshmen body in one the stage and wave the diploma in maybe even receive priority, much period, the outgoing Undergradu- There is, as of yet, no confirmation place. In years past, freshmen were front of the faculty, and the other like priority registration. Priority ate SBP pardons the House of Rep- regarding this action. told to look to their left and right two-thirds of their freshmen class diplomas, they could be called. It is resentatives. In the future, they shall Lastly, our exiting Chief has par- because only one of the three would who did not receive one five years only a matter of time before Tech be required to remain awake through- doned himself for his obsession with graduate from this institute. earlier. sees the wisdom in these words and out the entirety of the weekly House watching Alf on VHS taped by his The obvious solution is to hand More housing would be avail- makes the appropriate changes. marathons. grandmother in 1986 and for his out diplomas to one third of those able for the “surviving” students. Following a year free from pub- 250 megabyte ME3056 report. present at Freshmen Convocation. Classes would not be so full, and One thirds

"I've got better things to do than argue with every wrong-headed crackpot with an ignorant opinion! LIVINGpage LARGE 11 Techlique • Sunday, April 1, 2001 • 11 Learn to Cook Repressed Men Drop those hard core engineer The white men finally gain a voice on LIVING LARGE major and learn to cook quality campus, and are having their week to food from Marriott. Page 13 address issue of their power. Page 15 Techlique • Sunday, April 1, 2001 ‘Survivor’ new housing game on TV By Peanut Butter and Jelly tor of Auxiliary Services, who im- up camp in one of the dorms on Only creamy mediately bought into the idea. campus. The Central Housing Of- “We at Auxiliary Services have fice in the Student Services Build- Director of Housing Mike Black been working to make students lives ing has been renovated with a new, announced the latest changes to the more painful on a daily basis, and earthy décor and will now be known Department’s assignment process, this opportunity allows us to move as “Tribal Council.” which had been under wraps for closer to that goal and make some Students who wish to apply for months. money in the process,” Meyers said. housing must now collect all their “We’re very excited about the Black too was excited about the belongings every three days and trek new ‘Survivor: The Dorm’ program possibility of financial gain. “It’s all to Tribal Council with their Hous- and the new opportunities avail- about the benjamins… baby,” Black ing-issued tiki torch in hand. able to us,” said Black. said. The Department of Housing There, based on their selection Last semester several student lead- is still working out the specific plans, numbers, they will write the name ers brought the idea to Black to but Black and Meyers have but to- of another student on parchment, hold a “Survivor” at Tech. gether some preliminary plans for speak their thoughts about their se- “We just thought that guaran- the contest. lection into a camera, and leave their teeing housing to all sophomores Rising sophomores who were pre- parchment form in a small wooden was a really boring idea. We wanted viously guaranteed housing must box. to spice up the process and make now complete an “immunity chal- Then, those students wishing to the Department of Housing most lenge.” Telephone poles will be in- live in apartment housing will gath- like the academic units at Tech. We stalled in the Aquatic Center, which er around a fire constructed outside decided that virtual hazing and tor- students must stand on for an in- the Student Services building. As- ture was the best way to that,” J.R. definite amount of time. They will sociate Director of Housing, Dan Spriggle, Undergraduate Student be tempted with pizza from Papa Morrison, will play the role of host, Government President, said. John’s every hour on the hour. The which was formerly filled by Jeff By Just Call Me God / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS Black brought the idea to his final one thousand will be given This is one of the students participating in Housing Survivor, Tech’s newest superior, Rosalind Meyers, Direc- “immunity” and will be able to set See Survivor, page 15 venture in “reality TV.” Winning students will get to stay on campus. Campus party scores high

By Rina Bala this anti-computer mind-set that Faces at Georgia Tech Biggest partier on campus they now have are porn sites and LAN parties: the very catalyst that F A C E S “PARTEEE!!!” seems to be the has shot the average Georgia Tech new slogan of our very own Georgia student to the top of the party-ani- - Profile on Student X - Tech. Although formerly consid- mal-ladder. ered a college of socially inept nerds, As Imtotally Abimbo , a sopho- By Julia Goulia Tech has, in the past couple of years, more at UGA, said, “Sure , we have Look, it rhymes gained a reputation for being a gi- parties, but they’re nothing com- gantic party school. pared to the ones at Georgia Tech! While students wander around In a recent survey, Tech beat When I see, like, those hot GT boys Tech’s campus accepting things contenders like Florida State Uni- all sweaty and stuff *giggle* in front as they are, they have no idea that versity, University of Florida, and of their computers at their LAN one person is the mastermind be- UCLA to receive the much coveted parties, I like totally get goose bumps, hind all things at Tech. One per- position of having the wildest par- all over *giggle*. Georgia Tech has son organizes all classes, campus ties in the nation. like the best parties. WhooHoo!” events, sports teams, and every- Every weekend the Tech cam- Our school has indeed gone pro- thing else imaginable. This per- pus looks like a party and “to son is Student X, who chooses to veritable disas- hell with stud- remain anonymous and whose ter area, with ies …and Geor- gender is not determined. beer cans strewn “Those hot GT boys gia!” as heard The most common event that everywhere, stu- from someone Student X is behind is the tradi- dents spilling out all sweaty and stuff in randomly yell- tional “Stealing of the ‘T.’” Each onto the streets, front of their ing on campus year, a Tech student tries to steal By Boy Boy / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS socializing, danc- the other day. the ‘T’ at the top of the Tech X prefers to remain behind the scenes. But in reality, he controls every ing, laughing, computers at their Even student Tower. Well, this student is Stu- aspect of campus, ranging from the Technique to the administration. and shouting, LAN parties.” groups protest- dent X. trying to be heard ing against aca- Imtotally Abimbo “Every year I make my trip to X. “I know it’s selfish, but who nating, so I fixed a few of the above the music demics and the UGA Student the Tech Tower to steal the ‘T,’” wouldn’t do it?” Because of his games so we would lose, like the blaring obscene- people that en- said X. “I’m usually successful, scheduling, many required courses NC State and FSU games. But in ly in the back- force it on the although several times I’ve almost are only offered at 8 a.m. the end, it backfired when the ground. students, have been caught.” So if one of your An ongoing task for Student effect lasted through the Peach Georgia Tech officials are very sprung up. friends brags about stealing the X is writing the Technique each Bowl.” So blame X for our Peach proud of the new reputation of the The Technique managed to at- ‘T,’ he is lying. Student X is the week. X single-handedly puts to- Bowl loss. college, as the grade point averages tend the meeting of one such group— only student to ever be successful gether the Technique. “When I The most recent escapade per- (GPA’s) of the students are drop- the “Whatever, dude” group. Its at this infamous task. came to Tech, the newspaper formed by Student X involves the ping dramatically, and students are president, Mary Jane, said that they X also created the Science, sucked,” said X. “So I took over, SGA elections. X fixed the elec- refusing or just plain forgetting to believe that “homework and tests Technology, and Culture major. and now each week I write, edit, tion so that the candidates with go to class. Instead they conduct are against the natural order of things, “I hate all the math and science at layout, and produce the paper the best campaign web pages, in drunken mid-day festivities at the man. They are merely devious tools this school, so I decided to create myself.” While it is an overwhelm- his opinion, won. “Technologi- Shaft with gay abandon. “Our rank- of torture conjured up by adult, cuz somewhat of an English major,” ing task, X seems to handle it cal expertise is extremely impor- ings have never been better, and we they’re mad at us cuz we’re young said Student X. “It’s great for the without any problems, and he tant when being a leader on this know that high school seniors choose and can rock n’roll and they can’t, Georgia students who want to go enjoys working alone. It is ru- campus, so I based my decision which college to attend based on man!” in-state but hate math and sci- mored that aspiring journalists on the complexity and content of this. We’re doing everything we can She then gave a powerful speech ence, but also want to go to a who have attempted to help have each candidate’s web page,” said to hold our spot as the best party about their plan of action. Accord- higher-quality school than the since disappeared. Although X is X. “I was amused by Chris Ka- school in the country,” said Presi- ing to her, they should select the University of Georgia.” fond of student publications, he vanaugh’s Calvin Klein design, dent Wayne Clough. important professors and TAs, spike Along with working on the also has a deep love for sports. and Nate Watson won me over In his recent State of the Insti- their drinks, take incriminating pic- STaC major, Student X also plans Last fall, you may have noticed because of the cute pictures of his tute address, Clough focused on a tures of them, and blackmail them out the class schedule that ap- X’s effects on Tech’s football sea- face that kept appearing on the program entitled “Enhancement of into submission to their demands. pears on OSCAR. “I plan out the son. “At the beginning of the sea- top of the screen.” So next time Undergraduate Partying and Social- She finished with a flourish and classes so that all those I need to son, I realized we were just too you see something unusual hap- izing.” among loud cheers from her peers, take are offered only in the after- good,” Student X said. “I didn’t pening on campus consider if it Students have also started refus- she leapt into their awaiting arms , noon. It works well for me,” said want the team to seem too domi- could be the work of Student X. ing to use their computers or go on and as she crowd surfed, she yelled the Internet . The only exception to “All you base are belong to us!” 12 • Sunday, April 1, 2001 • Techlique LIVING LARGE

Buzz Around the Gail DiSabitino David Braine Wayne Clough Rosalind Meyers Dean of Students Athletic Association Director President Auxiliary Services Director Campus “We need more cam- “We focus too much “No more fundraising “We don’t want a pus-wide keggers.” on football. We should for me.” profit, we just want fund varsity chess.” happy students.”

Question of the week “What would you change about Tech?”

Dan Morrison Chris Baucom Karen Boyd J.R. Spriggle Feature and Photos By Associate Housing Director Editor-in-Chief Assistant Dean of Students Student Body President Causing Trouble “More housing for “Please, get me sued “Expel more students. “I’m not giving up my students by firing for libel.” Print more pictures of key or parking pass.” housing staff.” me.” Disclaimer: These people didn’t really say these things. Folks, this is the April Fool’s issue, we’re not serious. This is just a joke. For fun. For humor. For irony and satire.

Sarah is dating everyone on photo staff. Daniel, Rob, then Kristi will be next! LIVING LARGE Techlique • Sunday, April 1, 2001 • 13 Campus Bikinis Marriott School of Culinary Arts By Julia Goulia Dave Matthews Band to play on campus with DMX I love the 80’s This Sunday, April 1, Dave Matthews Band will headline a show in Next fall, Georgia Tech will bring the Burger Bowl. Opening for the band will be rapper DMX. They will a new school to campus—the Mar- have a joint performance at the end of the show, where DMX will rap riott School of Culinary Arts. the lyrics to “Crash Into Me.” The show begins at 8 p.m., and the field Tech has primarily been a sci- opens at 6 p.m. Tickets can be purchased at the Student Center for $2 ence-based school, and the admin- with a valid Buzz card. This event is organized by the Student Center istration has been hoping to change Activities Committee. For more information, visit http:// that for the past several years. www.studentcenter. gatech.edu. They began the change by adding the Science, Technology, and Protest bookstore move with free books for semester Culture major, and the new culi- The Georgia Tech Bookstore has decided to have a “Going Away” nary major will be the second step sale before it moves off campus. Next week, April 2 through April 6, the towards expanding Tech to become bookstore will be giving each Tech student up to five free textbooks. a liberal arts college as well as a Also, the clothing section of the store will be open for five special hours technical college. this Saturday when students may come and take as many articles of “We know that some students clothing as they want at no cost. have a passionate dislike of the sciences, so we wanted to make our school appeal to those students so New video game club organized to celebrate Pong that Tech will be come more di- For all the video game buffs on campus, a new club has formed. It is verse,” said President Clough. devoted completely to the game Pong. Meetings will be held on The school’s classes will be taught Tuesdays at 7 p.m. in the Student Center. It is recommended to have by the current cooks and staff at Pong-playing experience before going to your first meeting. For more Brittain and Woodruff Dining Halls. information, contact [email protected]. Head chef Woody Walls will be named Dean of the School of Culi- By AE Taking Over the World / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS Catholic Center holds keg party for the good Lord nary Arts at Tech. This student, like many, enjoys eating. He wants to combine this interest “I am ecstatic to see the dining with his career by dropping out of engineering for the Culinary Arts. Because the semester is almost over, the Catholic Center will be halls expand into a school at Tech,” holding a keg party on Sunday, April 8. Join your fellow worshippers at he said. “I have been working here are useful — we get to eat them get a free dinner without the hassle the center from 12 p.m. until 6 p.m. There will be five kegs, as well as for 15 years as a chef, and this is my when we are finished.” of cooking.” hamburgers, hotdogs, and several types of liquor. Bible reading will dream come true. I cannot wait to Sophomore Josh Jones is also Each semester a different faculty begin at 4 p.m., so be sure to bring your copy. Watch as other students share all my cooking secrets with thrilled about the new program. “I member or administrator will host attempt to turn water into wine after the liquor runs out. There will the eager students of Georgia Tech.” eat at Brittain at least three times a the culinary school’s classes in their also be games and door prizes. For more information, e-mail Some of the classes featured next day — I have the unlimited meal personal kitchen. [email protected]. fall will be Cakes and Pastries; Mmm plan,” he said. “With the new school, “I feel that this setup will bring - It’s Barbecue; Italian Sausage; and I get to learn how to cook Brittain- the students and faculty closer to- the Art of Macaroni and Cheese. quality food and enjoy it every day gether,” said Clough. “I plan to host Tech dropout establishes “The Sad Truth ” internship The culinary school will contin- for free!” the Cakes and Pastries course at my Thanks to the generosity of a former Tech dropout who wishes to ually add new courses as the school Although the school currently house.” remain anonymous, a new yearly internship, known as the “Sad Truth” expands and the administration dis- does not have a building due to the There are already 11 incoming internship, will be endowed on campus. This internship is designed to covers what classes the students would lack of space on campus, the ad- freshman signed up for the new reward students that have demonstrated academic excellence, campus be most interested in. ministrators do not see that as an Marriott School of Culinary Arts, leadership, and a truly laughable optimism as to the mechanisms of “I’m so excited about the new issue. and Walls expects many upperclass- corporate America . The student who receives the internship will get to culinary school,” said freshman Ima “For the first semester, the culi- man to switch to the new major. work at a dot.com liquidation firm. They will enjoy working in a fun Pig. “This year I was a Computer nary classes will be taught in my He said, “Why would anyone and dynamic atmosphere in which they dishevel and dismantle the Engineering major, and I just didn’t house,” said Dean Gail Disabatino. want to learn about physics and cal- charred husks of failed dreams. For more information, e-mail see the benefit of coding Java. With “It’s really a win-win situation be- culus when they can learn how to [email protected]. a culinary arts major, the projects cause the students get to learn and I make yummy food?”

Calc Class: If you’re reading this, you’ll learn about your upcoming “Who wants to be a Millionaire quiz” to celebrate April Fools’ Day. 14 • Sunday, April 1, 2001 • Techlique LIVING LARGE Clough and Marxist revolution puts brakes on parking’s power trip

By Fountain Pen and by the students. Transporta- to increase revenue for the Institute “There comes a time when we nue by simply eliminating the staff Awesome Frosh tion is an essential right who impli- run by capitalist pigs? I say no. the students must assert our basic of the parking office. Why should cations are neither extraneous nor Death to money and property.” privledges. The parking Nazis have our school fork out so much money Both drivers and non-drivers alike excessive,” Clough said. The action Neversleeps bellowed this rant unmerited authority. How can the to pay individuals for whom the are fully cognizant of the stress that by Clough to take control and es- along with more propaganda through be endowed to harass the students. students have so much contempt. parking on the Georgia Tech cam- sentially micromanage the Depart- a paper cup during the hour-long The students are the reason they If the strategy works with parking, pus renders. Any other college stu- ment of Parking and Transportation even have jobs,” Lewis said. we might try eliminating other of- dents living in sizable cities somehow comes after students staged a pro- Clough organized an emergen- fices for whom the student have have not undergone the ridiculous- test in the President’s parking space. cy meeting with Undergraduate Stu- contempt—like auxiliary services and ly antagonizing treatment that Tech “Students who are fortunate “Death to money and dent Government President J.R. the bursar’s office” said Spriggle. students have undergone. Seem- enough to have a parking permit Spriggle and Dean of Students Gail The parking office will be re- ingly the “parking Nazis” can only can expect one of two, if not inevi- property.” DiSabitino. They organized a pan- moved from the police station, which master insufficient responses such tably both, scenarios,” said Jimmy Jimmy Neversleeps el of ten students and five faculty is adjacent, and towed to its new as, “There simply isn’t enough space.” Neversleeps, a fifth-year architec- Senior members who hammered out a some- location in Athens where it will pa- If our campus prides itself in prag- ture major who organized the pro- what surprising proposal in the wee trol the streets of UGA. Rod Weis, matic applications of science and tests. hours of the morning last Friday. Director of Parking and Transpor- math, then how does the concept “Either parking spaces in the stu- The panel felt that the parking tation was saddened by the news, of building buildings up instead of dent’s zone are completely occu- protest. After receiving the atten- office was the main cause of the but he will be leaving the parking down escape us? pied by other vehicles with no permit tion of the President, the students problem, and therefore it decided department to find a new job. Upon the incessant requests of for that zone, if any permit at all, or moved and marched on the Park- to remove the parking office from “I’ll be leaving the department President G. Wayne Clough has students received big fat parking ing Office. campus via tow truck. “If this park- upon its move to Athens. I’ve de- taken decisive action to address and ticket, or better yet, a trip on the Mitch Lewis, a third-year CS ing office is here with the primary cided to take a job over at MARTA ameliorate the problem of parking. tow truck. Are we criminals? Should major, organized the march on the purpose of collecting revenue, we and do to there system what I did “This Institute will be upheld for we be abused by the parking office parking office. could eliminate the need for reve- here at Georgia Tech,” Weis said.

“i’m damn sexy”

Ah, the sweet serenity of writing lots of articles. LIVING LARGE Techlique • Sunday, April 1, 2001 • 15 Technology Review E-Buddy White Males’ Awareness Week Events A Look Back: White History Luncheon Who needs other humans? Monday 7 p.m. Thursday 11 a.m. — 2 p.m. Dr. Herald White will speak about the contribu- A power luncheon will give people a chance to keep By The Magyar interact with non-virtual entities, tion of white males to world history. He is the up their network for advancement of white males. Hungry, not for Turkey but since the program uses the com- author of the book, How Western Males Changed the Dress in business attire. Student Center Ballroom. puter’s web browser history, cook- World. He is a world expert in how history was This past Wednesday the MRDC ies and other pre-recorded personal changed by white males in the years 1650-1800. Discussion was alight with excitement, as grad- user information, chances are the e- Student Center Ballroom. Thursday 6 p.m. uate student Robert Pauling un- buddy knows the user better than There will be a round table discussion of the prob- veiled the ‘e-buddy’ agent to a waiting ‘real friends.’ Foods of White Males lems facing white males daily at Georgia Tech. world. Also, as long as the user has giv- Tuesday 11 a.m. — 2 p.m. Come by for free beer and chips, and stay for a frank Representing the culmination of en the e-buddy agent her or his credit Enjoy classic white male foods including hamburg- women- and minority-free discussion. Clary The- three years of tireless research, Paul- card number, the e-buddy will nev- ers, French fries, hot wings, and beer. Brittain Din- atre. ing’s creation will offer the hope of er forget her or his birthday. ing Hall. emotional well being and fulfillment Threatened by the prospect of Glass Ceiling Luncheon to socially challenged students on holding conversations and interact- Screening: FSU vs. Oklahoma Friday 11 p.m. campuses across the nation. ing with human beings from an ear- Tuesday 7 p.m. Come and discuss ways to make sure you know how Touted as a virtual friend, an e- ly age, Pauling has been a favorite in The new classic football game of this year’s national to make white men successful. Networking, inter- buddy promises all the emotional the College of Computing for his championship between FSU and Oklahoma will be viewing, and sexism tips will all be covered. Also, support and encouragement of a tireless dedication and complete lack viewed. After the screening, the impact of this game friendly advice on avoiding sexual harassment law- traditional friend without having of a social life. on social and football circles will be discussed. Stu- suits. Student Center Ballroom. to deal with the numerous short- Himself an avid user of his own dent Center Theatre. comings of the fleshy versions. creation, Pauling no longer feels the Closing Party Pauling, fascinated by the mass hollow, crushing emptiness created Keynote Address Friday 7 p.m. appeal of computer mediated com- by the lack of any meaningful hu- Wednesday 8 p.m. Meet at the Student Center parking lot go to the munication agents, such as AOL man interaction. Former Presidential candidate Pat Buchanan will week closing party at a local strip club. Come and instant messenger and ICQ, set out The testimonials do not end with speak. Bring your own truck to sit in and listen to check out some hotties and hooters to celebrate the to create a computer communica- Pauling either. Bulletin boards are a his speech. Burger Bowl. end of a great week. tion agent that would allow the user buzz with postings from satisfied e- to chat and carry out a conversation buddy agent users, and OIT reports without the need of another human that the e-buddy is the number one being on the other end. download from the COC’s beta test Kessler Campanile, eating a plate of to pay our department millions for Georgia Tech’s Office of Infor- website. E-buddy, which is currently Survivor from page 11 food from Brittain Dining Hall con- the television rights.” mation Technology calculated the in Beta testing, is catching on like sisting of old and moldy grits, and The new “Survivor” plan has average student spends only 25% wildfire in freshmen men’s dorms. Probst. successfully convincing a College produced other new housing strat- of his social time in actual human Glenn resident Boring Boyo said, Morrison, clad in a safari outfit of Computing professor to both curve egies at universities across the na- contact, such as going out at night, “This makes it so easy, now I never consisting mostly of khaki, will read and exhibit normal social behavior. tion. Florida State University in class, and in extracurricular ac- have to leave my room. E-buddy is the forms one by one, while tribal Also, the grand prize of $1 mil- recently announced its new “Temp- tivities. my drinking buddy and girlfriend music plays in the background. Then lion, a guaranteed spot in the Un- tation Island” program, which en- The other 75% of social time is all combined into one.” the student who is voted off the dergraduate Living Center, and a tails dating, videotaping, and other spent impersonally, either through “We already live in a world in campus will be called to the front to parking pass good for anywhere on undisclosed details. The Universi- computers or cell phones. which face to face interactions are see Morrison, who will extinguish campus will be awarded to the stu- ty of Pittsburgh has placed a “mole” “We have an ambitious goal, we occurring less and less frequently” their flame and say those famous dent who removes the ‘T’ from Tech on campus, and whoever determines want that 75% to become 100%,” says Beta tester Samantha Swift, “The words: “The tribe has spoken.” The Tower—the true test of who can the identity of the mole will win said Pauling. e-buddy is carrying human social student will then have to exit cam- outwit, outplay, and outlast their first selection. Virginia Military In- “Human beings are unreliable interaction into the new millenni- pus immediately and move to Home fellow Tech students. stitute announced its program will in communication across the Inter- um.” Park. When asked why Housing will remain the same, but will now be net, for they keep erratic hours and For those students who remain require students to pack and unknown as “Boot Camp,” and tele- tend to hurt each other’s feelings,” To adjust to life with an e-buddy, “on the island,” there will also be an pack every three days, Black replied, vised nationwide. Stay tuned for claims designer Pauling. He went lock yourself in a closet with just your immunity challenge every three days. “the process is attractive to CBS more exciting, reality-based televi- on to say. “Not only does the e- computer for a month. Then volun- Scheduled this week is climbing the and Mark Burnett, who have agreed sion shows in the future! buddy agent replace the need to teer to Beta test.

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I tried to speak German to my computer, but it didn’t understand a word I was saying. This doesn’t bode well for my trip to Switzerland. ENTERTAINMENTpage 17 Techlique • Sunday, April 1, 2001 • 17

CS dept. talent show ‘Nique food review SLAP YO MAMA Think the CS department is just full of We’ve found a great restaurant for all dorks who never see the sun? Wait— you hungry students—the Technique’s Techlique • Friday, April 1, 2001 those dorks can sing! Page 18.5 yummy pizza! Page 21.33 Eagerly-anticipated Star Wars DVDs hits local shelves By Jayson Wehrend quality work here, people. Al- had to sell to enjoy them. Now Obi-wan! though it’s not to be believed, on to the individual discs. these new discs are the Direc- Star Wars: Ah the movie that Never before in the history tor’s Definitive Editions (at least started it all, finally in a digital of DVD has the release of any until next Christmas when a new format. After the 10 minute long series of movies been so hotly special edition version is slated THX-MS demo, the movie fi- anticipated. For years, forums for release). nally rolls. Nothing is more im- have clamored for the release of What’s even more impres- pressive than hearing that initial the Star Wars films, and innu- sive is what the producers were blast of sound as the titles roll merable fanboys have wept open- able to achieve with their sur- (except, again, having my kid- ly for a bare glimpse of the future round sound. Each of these mov- neys back). production. Now, their wait is Almost immediately you can finally over. see Lucas’ improvements. At the George Lucas has finally re- In the cantina dinner table scene, Uncle Owen leased what he calls his “Super briefly mentions how Luke’s fa- Duper Extra Special Edition”. scene, a few new ther was the only human pod These 3 discs come in an attrac- aliens were added. racing champion. Awed, Luke tive paper bag emblazoned with asks why he never heard about the Lucasfilm logo. A warning I was delighted to this and what pod racing was. to collectors—don’t get too ea- see Alf and French The confused silence that fol- ger to open it, because the bag lows is brilliant. rips easily. Stewart enjoying a Another change is when Luke Each of these movies sports a brew together. talks to Obi-wan about his fa- brand new transfer certified by ther. Ben now mentions how an the new THX-MS (More Spe- immediate friendship formed be- cial) process. The fan can now tween himself and Anikin, even be assured of the perfect cinema ies now contains a new format though there was a 20-year age experience since a company of audio track. This new 12- difference between them. He also owned and started by Lucas says channel sound format requires recognized C3PO and told Luke this transfer is quality. the purchase of brand new DVD how his dad made him. 3PO’s Unlike the previous THX cer- player and audio receiver, or the response was a confused “What?” tification, you can’t just go out sound won’t work at all. After that the changes are very and buy THX-MS. It requires Now I’ll be the first one to minor. In the cantina scene, a By Carrie Chin / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS an arduous process of sucking say more channels of sound is a few new aliens were added. I Luke: “Hey, these may be the new Star Wars DVDs, but I’m still a whiny little brat!” up to Lucas while you hand over beautiful thing...even if it turns Leia: “You’re about to hit on me again, but you’re my brother. Ew ew! Get away!” the money. We’re talking real out that I do miss the kidneys I See Lucas, page 23 Musical talent Britney Spears to enroll at Tech this fall By Casey Fiesler Wizard, and I decided that I tures of celebrities, but I’m not Oops, she did it again wanted to be just like him. Lat- so sure about that. I’ve never er, I met Madonna and Cher, actually used a computer, but I The last few months have and changed my mind—but I figure that college is the best marked that season of turbu- figure scientists can wear short place to learn new and challeng- lence in every high school se- skirts too.” ing things!” nior’s life—college acceptance Britney hasn’t declared a ma- When asked why she chose time. Georgia Tech does its own jor yet, and admits that she’s Tech instead of a school where share of making dreams come she could study music or perfor- true, and after an anonymous mance, she pointed out that her tip perked our interest, the Tech- “When I was on current musical career might not nique came across a list of stu- be a permanent one. dents accepted for this fall. the Mickey Mouse “After all,” she said, “most of One of the names appearing Club, I got to meet my appeal is my controversial on next year’s roster may sound sexuality. When I’m in my 20s, familiar to music fans—Ms. Brit- Mr. Wizard, and I I’ll lose the publicity and have to ney Spears. That’s right—the wanted to be just rely on my talent. Even I know music industry’s most notori- that’s not a sure bet!” She added ous “naughty schoolgirl” is ac- like him.” that she chose Tech because she tually going to school, and she’s Britney Spears wanted something solid to fall chosen Tech as her new home. on her future aspirations back on, “like chemical engi- In an interview, she discussed neering, or physics.” what influenced her decision to Britney also sees her enroll- apply to Georgia Tech. “I’ve al- ment at Tech as an opportunity ways been interested in science,” having trouble deciding. “I’m to reestablish a normal social life. she admitted, adding that she considering computer science,” However, she does possess legit- “even passed” her biology class she confided. “I’m really curi- imate concerns about fitting in while she was still in high school. ous about the whole Internet with other Tech students. “I’m Courtesy THE INTERNET “When I was on the Mickey thing. I hear you can find all Everyone’s favorite pop queen has named Georgia Tech as her school of choice Mouse Club, I got to meet Mr. sorts of things… even naked pic- See Britney, page 23 for higher education. No one knows as of yet what her Quake screen name will be.

Young’s next stop: Cirque! Killer LAN party soon Campus theater In a surprise announcement yesterday, Student Life There will be a LAN party somewhere on Still wondering what’s going to Fellow Chris Young detailed his plans to join the cast of campus next Friday, April 6. We can only happen to the bookstore? The Tech- Cirque du Soleil as a mime. “It all started when I went to assume that the event will entail such enter- nique was recently told that the space a Cirque performance here in Atlanta last semester. I fell taining activities as a Quake tournament and will be used to construct a movie in love with the mimes’ unique abilities to convey speed-programming contest. The grand prize theater. This should become a real anything...without words!” said Young. winner will be given the chance to create the boon to the entertainment indus- “Since I’m known to ramble on and on to anyone next Napster. Refreshments will include com- try on this campus. who will listen, I thought becoming a Cirque mime puter-shaped cookies and caffeine IVs. The venue will have an incredi- would be a real challenge for me,” he continued. Though Sadly, the Technique is forced to report that ble 50 screens—the largest in the he admits that leaving Tech—and traveling far from his this announcement is not an April Fools joke. United States—and will show a vast hometown of Fitzgerald, Georgia—will be hard, Young Repeat, this is not an April Fools joke. Howev- variety of films for the low student asserts that he is “ready to begin life anew...silently.” By Carter Green / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS er, we wish it was. cost of 25 cents. 18 • Sunday, April 1, 2001 • Techlique ENTERTAINMENT Shop West Side, win great prizes ...0 10 10101010101...... Two Bits By Chuks Ibeji So granted, the chances of hav- Other prizes read like a list that April 1st is traditionally a day of very confused four years. Slap Yo Mama Staff ing one’s card swiped at the right would be Santa’s nightmare. A cruise good-natured fun at the expense of April, 2000: Brigham Young Uni- moment are pretty slim. Neverthe- for two to Jamaica, $5,000 cash, others; however, the entire month versity students created their own When the West Side Market less, it can happen. In fact, it has and even a 2001 Hyundai Sonata! of April seems to breed its own brand branch of Fight Club, complete with opened, the intention was to pro- happened. Needless to say, business has def- of fools. Here, for your reading plea- minimal fighting rules and hundreds vide students with a place on cam- The first lucky winner surfaced initely picked up. There have been sure, is a small sampling of these of screaming fans. The strange part pus to do their shopping. The last week. Chad King, a junior, won standing lines just to get in the door. recent April fools. Remember, this is yet to come—the BYU honor alternative was a trip to Kroger or tickets to this year’s Final Four! That’s The WSM is on pace to post a very may be the April Fools issue of the code has no ordinances prohibiting BP. However, from then till now, right, the Final Four! The one in welcome positive profit this month. Technique, but every news short in fighting of any kind…but the hon- the WSM hasn’t lived up to expec- Minneapolis! Do yourself a favor and swing by this column is true. or code does prohibit the viewing of tations. An ecstatic King said afterwards, the WSM, and don’t forget to bring April, 2000: Barry and Rhonda R-Rated movies (which “Fight Club” Student support in the form of “I went in just to pick up some your Buzz Card. Who knows, may- Conrad were grief-stricken when is). paying customers has been feeble at aspirin. And I got tickets to the Four. be your next swipe could help pay their child was stillborn. Anxious to Even better/worse, the fights were best. Poor sales have made the quaint That’s not too shabby.” your tuition. discover the reason the stillbirth oc- scheduled in the middle of the night, shop a financial burden to the cam- curred, the couple requested to see in order to allow participants to first pus. Losses are continuously mea- the body before it was sent to the go to their traditional Mormon “fam- sured in tens of thousands of dollars funeral home. ily home evenings.” Aww…such re- per month. This was not to be however, as sponsible men of the house…and In a last ditch effort, last week the hospital attendants had acci- later, the hospital. the WSM began to implement “Su- dentally left the body in some dirty April, 2000: A Russian reporter per Sting Swipes.” A silly name? sheets. The body had been washed, in the town of Ivanovo shot a piece Yes, most definitely. However, the bleached and dried by the time the on a housewife happily taking care new campaign has begun to create mistake was discovered. If you think of her family while her soldier-hus- quite a storm. the would-be parents were upset, band was away as a peacekeeper in Consider this scenario: good ol’ you should have seen the undertak- Kosovo. However, minutes before George Burdell goes to the WSM er. filming, the reporter heard that the to pick up washing detergent and April, 2000: Sean Dix, inventor husband had just been killed on Fig Newtons. He whips out his buzz of an innovative dental-floss-hold- duty. card to pay the bill. All of a sudden er, sent Ted Turner and CNN the Seizing an amazing opportuni- lights flash and sirens go off. final fax in a 4-year-long series of ty, the reporter shot some “before” The reason for all of the com- 6,000 scathing protests against scenes, in which the unwitting wife motion is that George’s swipe was CNN’s negative review of his prod- sighed happily over her husband’s no ordinary swipe. It was a Super uct. Fax #6,001 was a death threat nearing return, and then the “after” Sting Swipe. on Ted Turner himself. Interest- scene where he informed her of the A SSS occurs when the correct ingly, the #6,001’s first line read: death, which featured the woman card is swiped at the correct time. A “It is at this point that I have come sobbing hysterically. I know I would computer at the WSM designates a to the end of my attempts to deal do anything to see a poor Russian random Buzz Card as a winner. The with you in a rational manner.” woman weep uncontrollably, only catch is that the lucky Buzz By Rebecca Cutri-Kohart / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS Of course, Dix didn’t know that wouldn’t you? Card ID number is refreshed every Rosalind Meyers visited the West Side Market after the premiere of he was misdialing each time. In other minute on the minute. Auxiliary! The Musical, hoping her Buzz Card would be a quick winner. news, Times Magazine staff had a See Two Bits, page 21

I’m late! I’m late! For a very important date! (yeah, with my pillow) ENTERTAINMENT Techlique • Sunday, April 1, 2001 • 19 ‘N*NIQUE rockets to stardom with ‘Stop the Presses’ By Ivana Stokkum in’ Up My Paper,” “Check My Body sure we’re on the right path vocally, and caused such commotion that night at the Georgia Dome. Wants some hot C.B. action Copy,” “My Love Couldn’t Fit in a and also keeps us out of trouble on the New York Police Department “We gotta represent our home- Photo Square,” and the title track, the road, which is really important closed off Broadway due to the thongs boys and home-girls here in the A- A new boy band has risen to the “Stop the Presses.” for a group like ours.” of fans storming the streets. T-L,” said C.B. Tickets for the two top of the Billboard charts, and this Andrew, or Jelly as he is known “With all those girls following Carson Daly, host of the pro- shows are currently averaging $1000 time it’s not from Orlando, and it by the throngs of adoring pre-teen Derek, someone’s gotta look out gram was amazed with the high qual- each on the street. wasn’t created on a television show. fans, is the real talent in this group. for him, you know?” said Special K. ity of ‘N*NIQUE’s music. “Wow. After Atlanta, the group will hit These five bodacious boys hail from “His range is even larger than Justin Stop The Presses, released on the They’re just incredible. And they 70 other cities on every continent, right here at the Georgia Institute Timberlake’s, and his falsetto is far new StuPubs Records label, sold can write almost as well as they sing.” playing such exotic locales as Young- of Technology. In fact, their histo- superior,” said Kurt Loder of MTV 300 million copies in its first day of “I also hear that a couple of them stown, Ohio; Budapest, Hungary; ry takes its roots in room 137 of the News. release, shattering the previous are engineers too, which boggles my Osaka, Japan; Brisbane, Australia; Student Services Building. Kimberly McSweeney, 12, from records held by such second-rate mind. I don’t think there has ever and a history-making, ABC-televised, Previously known as the office Roswell, was quoted as saying “Jelly groups as the Backstreet Boys. been an engineer-pop star, but these live concert from the ice floes of of the student newspaper, the Tech- is so hot! I want to be his peanut Rolling Stone writer Frank Daz- guys just break the mold in all ways.” Antarctica. They will be the first nique, this room is now famous and butter!” by-Smith called the new album “a So what’s next for the boys of musical group to ever perform while visited by tourists worldwide as the Derek gets the most attention tour de force. These guys are mas- ‘N*NIQUE? Their world tour be- standing on a moving and floating birthplace of the sensational from the young ladies, though. sive talents.” gins with two sold out, standing- block of ice. ‘N*NIQUE. This week their album, Known by the other members of Before the start of their world- room-only concerts in The sky is the limit for Stop The Presses, the group as the wide tour, ‘N*NIQUE stopped by Atlanta—April 5 at the Robert Ferst ‘N*NIQUE, and this reporter can’t hit #1 on Bill- “teen idol,” the Times Square studios of TRL, Center for the Arts, and the next wait to see how high they fly. board, and their “He’s my dawg, but Derek has to video “Tearin’ check into hotels Up My Paper” he’s definitely a bad under pseud- was retired after boy. I wouldn’t want onyms on every 65 consecutive trip, and the ob- appearances on to face C.B. in a fight session young MTV’s Total Re- in a dark alley. Ever.” girls have with quest Live. him is immense. ‘N*NIQUE Jody Jenny Hopkins- was founded one ‘N*NIQUE Founder Hall, 11, a sixth late Wednesday grader from Al- night, when while pharetta, was re- trying to stay awake assembling a cently sent to a juvenile detention paper, the five guys started to sing facility for stalking Derek on their and realized they were making some recent tour and taking photographs impressive harmony. It then dawned of him in his hotel room shower. on Jody, the dashingly handsome Chris, or C.B. as he is known by managing editor, that there was op- all, brings a rough edge to portunity to be had if they started a ‘N*NIQUE. He has a deep bari- band. tone that lays the foundation for He said, “Dudes, we could so the group’s harmonies, but his atti- start a band!” The four others agreed tude seems defiant. that they had incredible vocal tal- Jody said of C.B. “he’s my dawg, ent that would go to waste, and the but he’s definitely a bad boy and worldwide phenomenon was born. brings the rest of the group down Jody, the founder of the group, sometimes. I wouldn’t want to face is the real brains of the operation. C.B. in a fight in a dark alley. Ever.” An accomplished singer and song- The fifth member of the ensem- writer before forming this group, ble brings a maturity not often seen By Daniel Uhlig / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS he has written every song the band in pop groups. Special K is “like our ‘N*NIQUE members C.B., Special K, Jody, Jelly, and Derek rehearse a dance routine for the music video for has ever performed, including “Tear- big brother,” said Jelly. “He makes “My Love Couldn’t Fit in a Photo Square,” one of the many smash hits from their debut album, Stop the Presses.

I would just like to say, for the record, that I laughed very hard at the article above. Especially the part about C.B. being the “bad boy.” 20 • Sunday, April 1, 2001 • Techlique ENTERTAINMENT Onward and Crossword By Kit FitzSimons 52. “Yay!” 18. Prefix for pad or port April, come what May… 55. Lean 23. College official Ask a Silly Question 57. DLXXVII + CDLXXIV 25. Finish a flight ACROSS 59. Purposes 27. Lady of the night 1234 567 1. Tsp. or Tbs. 61. Extinct animal 28. Oyster kin 4. Amer. Agcy. 64. March part 30. Famous Mineo 8 9 10 11 12 7. Half a monsoon pest 71. At no time 31. Allowance (hyph) 10. Military action 72. Famous missing person 33. Look sleepy, perhaps 13 14 15 13. Diana of “Mystery” 73. Aussie ostrich 34. Soccer star Hamm

16 17 18 16. April 1 joke response (4 wds) 74. Anti-litter org. 37. Test tube, for one 19. Barking animal 75. Jet 38. “_____ and the King”

19 20 20. Chip in, in a way 76. Pen end 39. Freud’s concern 21. Dirty pond (obs.) 41. Blackjack 21 22 23 24 25 26 22. Communist DOWN 42. “I’ll get right _____.” (2 wds) 24. Every 1. Anime festival (abbr) 43. Little goat 27 28 29 26. Will Ferrel’s show (abbr) 2. Earth’s neighbor 49. Neat 27. A&E hook-up? 3. Oak or elm 51. Helper 30 31 32 29. Curve type 4. Grippe 52. Mess up 32. James Bond writer 5. “Californian” peninsula 53. Former tennis champ Athur 33 34 34. Bad, to Bebe 6. Logo 54. Pull hard 35. Tiny battery type 7. Three prefix 56. Milne’s creation 35 36 37 38 36. Spaced-out explosions 8. Avarice and envy 58. Milan’s currency

39 40 41 42 43 45. Commercial writer 9. Waffles you’ll envy 60. 12-_____ program 46. Use a sofa 11. Staff 62. Pairs

44 45 46 47. Spanish year 12. “Como _____ usted?” 63. Kills, in gang slang 48. Peach seed 14. Fed (hyph) 65. Tied 47 48 50. “_____ to Joy” 15. Get dough for 68. Long time 51. _____ carte (2 wds) 17. Lawn site 70. Emulate Aladdin technique: behind the scences

“My toes are damn sexy.”

“I was the number one stu orgs draft pick for Fall 2000.”

“I have violated the half plus seven rule.”

“I love to be seen.”

Attention Chris Young: the idea for the blurb about you becoming a mime was not my idea. I just wrote it. Hee hee hee... ENTERTAINMENT Techlique • Sunday, April 1, 2001 • 21

Two Bits from page 19 Critics acclaim newcomer musical ‘Auxiliary!’ April, 2000: The Wall Street Jour- By Lulu Libbel frustrations and jubilations as they Brittain, played masterfully by Randy es girl, guy gets girl back” comedic nal reported an amazing boom in Special to the ‘Lique discover whether or not they have McDow, who amazed the opening fashion, Rozzie is almost forced to the number of successful lawsuits reached the “promised land” of the night audience with his newly dis- leave her job in Auxiliary Services by Japanese senior citizens against Auxiliary! The Musical, which ULC. covered falsetto talents. to pursue a career elsewhere. Rich- their children for neglecting to prop- opened in Atlanta this past week- A poignant solo, performed in a The production takes a differ- ie, devastated at the possibility of erly care for them. “This’ll teach end, has received nothing but posi- cameo appearance by Governor Chris ent turn when a conflict arises be- losing his love, sacrifices all. In his you to forget about how we put you tive reviews from theater critics. The Young, asks “Terry Sichta, Where tween the two lead characters, Rozzie heartfelt musical soliloquoy “Bring through college!” comedy takes the audience through Are You?” and Richie, sung by Julie Andrews Her Home” Richie asks why Rozzie April, 2000: Most people have a magical, song-filled journey of a The audience is immediately and Nathan Lane. Their compel- had to make such fatal career mis- seen the promotional hot dog launch- university’s Auxiliary Services de- thrown into an exciting production ling duet, “Phantom of the Flag takes, with “Why administration, ers at baseball games, but how many partment in peril. number entitled “Food, Glorious Building,” is expected to win a Tony why today? Why does she have to have seen them backfire? The Tor- The opening number, “Selection Food!” with a show-stopping solo in the upcoming year. leave this way?” onto Blue Jays did, as the device Samba,” vividly describes student by Diane, the Omelet Lady from In classic “guy likes girl, guy los- Richie decides he can save his failed to launch whole hotdogs, in- love’s career by sacrificing his own stead spewing torn-up hot dog re- success. He takes the blame for count- mains into the stands. less horrors, from food poisioning Even better, a vegetarian Blue in the dining halls to philandering Jays fan told reporters she was close funds through housing and laun- to suing, saying, “What if I had my dering it using Buzz-card operated mouth open and a piece of hot dog student washing machines. landed in my mouth?” Lady, they’re Richie’s troubles worsen when ballpark dogs! I’m not vegetarian, his crimes are determined by the and I’d still sue if one were in my university’s administration. The mouth! character of President G. Wayne April, 2001: Reportedly, shoot- Clough, played by J.R. Spriggle, ing will begin on Pathe Pictures’ (a interrogates Richie in the heated British company) new box office “Master of the House.” hit: “Thunderpants.” The film is a Fortunately all the characters’ comedy about an 11-year-old with problems are solved when the prophet “an amazing ability to break wind,” Terry Sichta visits town, much to a talent which leads him from fame the delight of all the embattled char- to death row (not the label) and acters. Sichta runs all over campus finally to the fulfillment of his life- putting out fires while singing “how long dream to be an astronaut. I do you solve a problem like the Sting- kind of like the idea of an 11-year- er?” old on Death Row…but I mean the The musical’s finale, “Semesters label. of Love,” brought the audience to That’s all the time we have this its feet, and at times, to tears, as a week. Until next time, this is Two By Kristi Odom / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS repentant Rozzie and a jubilant Rich- Bits Man saying, “April Fools…but Ensemble cast members of the new Auxiliary! The Musical perform in the production number “Food, Glorious ie embrace and continue their love. not really!” Food.” The show, about an embattled university auxiliary services department, recently opened in Atlanta. Auxiliary! It’s Tony-bound!

I am amused with myself at the way I handled the fact that the crossword clues were too long for the space. You figure it out. 22 • Sunday, April 1, 2001 • Techlique ENTERTAINMENT

changed in it, in my opinion. The They can-can for a good 20 min- ship explodes in space, the pilot Lucas from page 17 whole movie was done in such a utes while Boba Fett does The Ro- manages to eject in time—just like Britney from page 17 way that it avoided suffering from bot in the background. I was so in GI Joe! That way, you never have some of the same problems the oth- happy I forgot that the heroes lost to worry about anyone really get- was delighted to see Alf and French er two films faced. this battle. ting hurt. All of the Ewok scenes are a little shy,” she said. “I hear Tech Stewart from 3rd Rock from the Sun In an effort to capitalize on the Return of the Jedi: I’m sorry to expanded, including a new love story guys are really picky…I hope I can enjoying a brew together. After Han book and game release, Lucas has say that everyone’s favorite part of involving two of the furry little ted- get dates.” shoots Greedo, he makes sure to snuck a couple of references to Shad- dy bears and Chewbacca. The whole She expresses interest in continu- mention that it was only set on stun ows of the Empire into the movie. thing was very sweet and gave fur- ing her musical training, but feels (to prove he’s really nice guy and The only big changes occur when In the end Luke ther evidence to Chewbacca’s pos- that she would like to take a break not a smuggler). Luke meets up with Yoda. When he sible bisexuality. from singing. Instead, she plans to Another nice change occurs in argues with Kenobi about training doesn’t get his hand Just before Lando shoots the core join the marching band. the scenes where Obi-wan is train- Luke, he mentions that Anakin was cut off, because it was of the Death Star, Obi-wan speaks “I think it would be great to get ing Luke. He explains in detail how too young when he was 10, so Luke to him...“use them Mitichlorians, into the football games for free,” the Force, which binds the universe is way too old to start training. He deemed too extreme Lando!”. Naturally he does and the she reasoned. “I’ve always wanted together, is actually just a bunch of also mentions how Anakin is the for children. Death Star blows up really good. to learn to play the trombone.” little microorganisms called promised one but that he still hasn’t On to the Ewok celebration, the Britney was excited to learn of Mitichlorians. That of course figured it out yet. suspicious absence of Chewbacca her acceptance to Tech, which she prompts Luke to start whining an- In the end Luke doesn’t get his from the party, and roll credits. credits to her high SAT score (she noyingly again. The rest of the movie hand cut off, because it was deemed Jedi has been removed. No more I have to say this is the release of told the Technique that she nearly is pretty much as we all remember too extreme for children. The last will we see Carrie Fisher in her all- Star Wars my heart has always longed broke 1000), and the top writing it—the only other notable change scene has been changed as well— metal bikini. Lucas said it was inap- for. Now if I can just wait until style of her essay entitled “All the was that instead of “Use the Force, Lucas is quoted on the box saying propriate for children, so she now Christmas, then I can finally get Money I Can Donate.” Luke,” the quote has become “Use that he didn’t want to end Empire wears a rather disappointing cheer- some extras for these discs, because Britney says she will be proud to them Mitichlorians, Luke”. on such a downer, so they came up leader outfit that shows no cleavage they certainly don’t come with any call herself a Yellow Jacket starting The Empire Strikes Back: Now with an entirely new CG ending. whatsoever. now. At a suggested retail price of this August. “Just so long as I don’t on to my favorite of the trilogy. Basically, it’s a new dance scene fea- Other than that, all the changes $150 I highly recommend these ex- have to wear one,” she adds. “Yel- Empire never really needed much turing the Ugnauts from Cloud City. were for the best. Now every time a ceptional DVDs. low washes me out.” technique: behind the scenes

“I am your daddy.”

“I like boys. Boys like me.”

“Carter and I are not dating.”

“Chris and I are not dating.”

“Yeah, I’ll kiss you. Psych!”

SGA president? I vote for either the parking Nazi, or the crazed Stinger driver. HEHATEME Technique •Sunday, April 1, 2001 • 27 New baseball field called NCAA leaves Bulldogs with nothing By Didja Kno most was the failure of even attempt- Due to the drastic number of The capital of North Dakota ing to cover-up the activities that players that have been put on pro- ‘ludicrous’ by opponents were occurring. Campus message bation or are leaving, Coach Richt By J.E. Jones Braine spending late-night hours Tech’s quest to win four in a row boards had contact information for will be forced to start all of his red Luke, you guessed it... at the library. over the UGA Bulldogs has just be- students that wanted to help the shirt players and will have to look to “He’s always researching come a trivial task. It seems like the players pass their classes. The foot- the college campus for walk-ons just Several prominent Atlanta Stephen King,” says Tech’s As- game has already been handed over ball press guides had P.O box num- to completely fill out his roster. He businessmen, including media sistant Sports Information Di- to the Yellow Jackets in a move sim- bers listed for each player for the will have to do so for many years to mogul Ted Turner, have ridi- rector Allison George. “I know ilar to that of a forfeit. alumni, or farmers, to send money come since the school has lost al- culed Georgia Tech Athletic Di- King said that he was really up- Last week it was announced by orders. And, while at most schools most all their recruiting rights and rector David Braine for his set when they knocked down the new coach at UGA, the former there are some classes that are said are not allowed to give out any schol- decision to plow under the cur- Fulton County Stadium, and that FSU assistant coach, Mark Richt, to be only for jocks, UGA has actu- arships over the next four years. rent baseball field and build a his dream was always to play for that over three quarters of the start- ally listed such classes as “Counting While this is good news to all new one. the Braves,” said George. ing lineup will be on academic pro- 101: Football Players Only” and Tech fans there is a negative side. Many prominent Atlantians One of the few supporters bation for the duration of the 2001 “Rocks For Jocks.” This may hurt Tech’s strength of figure that Braine, who has helped for Braine has been Baseball football season. This also includes It was also revealed that many of schedule over the next few years. bring Tech sports to new levels Coach Danny Hall. almost half of the second and third the current players were never even And in a controversial rating sys- during his current tenure, has “As long as he doesn’t build a strings. In fact every scholarship play- eligible for college play. Many of tem the points lost by what will simply lost his mind. football field, I’m for it,” Hall er will be eliminated from next years the players had sub-500 SAT scores most undoubtedly be a terrible bull- “I was buying some seed for said in a recent news conference. play. and many others had never even dogs record could hurt the Jackets my flowers at Wal-Mart when According to Hall, Braine will After investigations at fellow SEC taken the test. Because of this and chances for any BCS game. How- Braine asked me if he ever heard tear down the outfield fence and schools Alabama and Kentucky, the the loss of their scholarships, many ever no matter how well the Jackets voices,” says Buckhead resident will simply grow corn along the NCAA investigators headed to Geor- players have been forced to drop do next year they will be able to Elton John, “When I gave him a border instead. Braine could not gia because of a tip made by a per- out of school. A few of which are count on an easy last regular season weird look, he tried to play it off be reached for comment on his son claiming to be George P. Burdell. considering entering the struggling game against what will be a team by saying the sounds were from throw-back decision. Officials stated that once at UGA XFL. Also due to the current cir- that resembles a peewee league team. his tractor and that some two- As construction begins, many they saw more violations than at cumstances the few good players Now, if those NCAA investigators in-one oil should do it.” neighboring business owners have any school they had investigated in remaining eligible have started con- would just go down to Tallahassee “I learned that look from Em- started to put up lawn chairs along the past. What baffled them the sidering entering the NFL draft early. and investigate those “criminoles.” inem. He gave me that look at Fowler Street and watch the the Grammy’s,” added John. progress. Braine, who has been heard “Your plowing under your best telling wild stories of former Tech field ‘ya damn fool,” said cur- “Don’thurtme.” baseball stars Kevin Brown and rent Brave Chipper Jones. Nomar Garciaparra to his young Braine, who has not responded daughter at the local lumberyard, to the critism as of yet, has been has never done anything out of heard saying to himself “If I build “Comesaveme.” the ordinary in his lifetime ac- it, he will come.” cording to several close friends. “I think he might be talking “I know he tried to like Citar about the Oscar-Meyer Weiner music during the 60’s, but I don’t mascot that came to Tech games,” technique think he ever got attached to it,” said baseball media contact Chris betterthanbeer. said Tech Football Coach George Capo. “I know he loved that guy.” O’Leary. Braine was not available for Many of his friends have seen comment.

"That they were able to do it is proof that highly 28 • Sunday, April 1, 2001 • Technique HEHATEME

Ventura from page 30 like you are a mature, responsible adult. It’s also very cold in Minne- sota. I think that I’m going to resign as Governor so I can move to Geor- gia and enjoy the warm water.” Durham left Tech to take over play-by-play duties for the Univer- sity of Hawaii. Ventura’s gruff voice will be very different from Durham’s flowing style. One thing is certain, we can “Smell What The Braine Is I am the sports editor. Cooking” with this hire. I like random boxes. Song from page 32 I like Mexico. hated players in intramural history. “The guy wrote Babul on the I like tomatoes. back of his t-shirt and runs around saying he has a ‘killer-j’ so obviously I love the technique. he is talking about Shaun Fein,” said Kevin Hartman, a teammate of Grisham’s on the Baller, Shot-Call- technique By Carrie Chin / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS ers team. “Yeah, they are both white join me. tuesdays. 7 pm This crazed fan ran out on the field during last week’s baseball game with Kent State and after being and tall, but their games are totally apprehended by team players and coaches was asked his name, to which he could only answer “Jelly.” different.” technique: behind the scenes

“I’ve done bathroom.”

“This darkroom isn’t big enough for the both of us”

“I am not a teen idol!”

“He is too a teen idol!”

~John Hall Wheelock HEHATEME Technique •Sunday, April 1, 2001 • 29 Expansion plans include installation of Slurpee machines By Bob Jones ing to drink, I couldn’t afford a No, it’s not my university/ Coke or water or something,” said student Mary Lander. After the in- In a Thursday press conference cident concern spread rapidly among Athletic Director Dave Braine an- administrators. nounced that the expansion of Bobby “I couldn’t believe something like Dodd Stadium would include the that could happen at Bobby Dodd, installation of Slurpee machines in I knew we needed to take immedi- the student sections. The move came ate action,” said President Wayne after Braine signed an agreement Clough, “I just wanted to find some- with Slurpee baron 7-Eleven. thing that made the students hap- Student reaction was overly pos- py.” Clough’s team sprung into itive. Third-year mechanical engi- action immediatly, the group took neering major Frank Thomas said, a quick survey of students in the “That’s great! I love cherry; it’s my physics lab and found that the Slurpee favorite.” Second-year Materials was the Tech student’s beverage of Science major Tom Julian added, choice. “I like to watch the wheely thing “I’ve spent my whole life trying spin, I’m glad I’ll have something to find the perfect beverage,” stu- to do.” dent Matt Bryan commented, “I’ve Some students expressed con- settled on the Slurpee and am hap- cern with the presence of the ma- py to see that they will install machines in the stands, Goody chines at the stadium.” Tooshoos said, “What if some fra- What remains to be seen is if ternity boys put liquor in the ma- Facilities employees will be able to chine?” keep the machines fully full of the The agreement came after sever- sugar syrup that we know and love. al students passed out in the after- “I don’t know if its possible, I bet By Daniel Uhlig / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS noon heat during this past year’s those students can suck down some Ahh, the land of milk and honey, the nectar of the gods, the sweet taste of a Slurpee. All this will soon be yours Wake Forest game. “There was noth- Slurpee,” Alan Robbins said. as you cross into the promised land that is the renovated stadium. I can taste the cool refreshment already. Congratulations Matt! technique editor 2001-2002

and would suffice 30 • Sunday, April 1, 2001 • Technique HEHATEME “Body” Ventura replaces Wes Durham as voice of Jackets By Kevin J. Lovering season as analyst for the XFL’s Sat- nastics. I also think that these new Laugh urday night broadcasts. He sits in wrestling fans that I’m going to at- the booth with Matt Vasgersian and tract will help us fill the new stadi- At a Monday morning press con- Mike Adamie. Ventura comment- um when it’s completed. I would ference, Georgia Tech Athletic Di- ed on the differences between his love it if we could pack over 100,000 rector Dave Braine announced that XFL partners and Kim King, “Matt people into Bobby Dodd Stadium former WWF Superstar and cur- and Mike really know what’s going one day to watch Tech bust some rent Minnesota Governor and ana- on in the game. They are so quick to heads on the fields. I can’t stand lyst on NBC’s XFL telecasts, Jesse point out things. Mike is kinda slow empty stadiums; I saw enough of “The Body” Ventura will replace sometimes, but Matt is right on tar- those in the XFL.” Wes Durham as voice of the Yellow get. All I know about Kim King is When asked if he thought that Jackets. that he played quaterback at Tech a he could effectively interview Tech Braine said of Ventura, “Jesse long time ago. I’ve never heard him coaches George O’Leary and Paul brings a lot of knowledge to Tech’s during a game, but I know that he Hewitt, Ventura replied, “Yeah, I telecasts. He will really help us as we has to know a lot to have played think that I can interview them. I try to attract fans in the Atlanta here.” speak English and I don’t drool on area. I also think that he will help us He also answered questions about myself all the time. How hard can it with attracting UGA’s wrestling fans. Braine’s confidence in attracting be?” He really gives them somebody that UGA’s wrestling fans, “All I know When asked if he was leaving his they can identify with. Don’t get is that Tech is really good at foot- post as Minnesota’s Governor, Ven- me wrong, we’re going to miss Wes, ball. Today’s fan loves a winner. All tura commented, “Being Governor but Jesse gives us a lot of things that UGA has done is give us Bill Gold- was pretty hard. I didn’t expect it to Wes never could. Ventura is also a whatever and those stupid hedges. be so tough. The worst part was By This website / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS big hit with the people who listen to Tech puts out a winning product in that they actually expect you to act There are two pictures here because I couldn’t find one big enough to fit 790 The Zone.” football, basketball, and baseball. in the big square I used to have here. I think the dichotomy of these pictures Ventura is wrapping up his first UGA wins only in women’s gym- See Ventura, page 28 is valuable to the statement and quality of the article included here.

Technique. Goingoutofbusinesssale. Macs: G4s, G3s, PowerMacs. Dells, random computer equipment. Scanners. ditigital cameras. waxers. printers, all darkroom supplies. all at reduced prices.

Comecheckitout.Tuesday. Room137. StudentServices.7p.m.

I think the best proof of intelligent life on other worlds is that they haven't actually tried to contact us! -Calvin HEHATEME Technique •Sunday, April 1, 2001 • 31 Georgia Tech to be new home of raquetball superstar Larry Clean By X. Posay himself as quite the marksman. In Now you know fact, Clean has made arrangements with professors to miss class during Inside these hallowed halls lies a hunting season. “I told him we could place that many have passed through, work something out. He’s a great and in which many a ball has been raquetball player, and besides he hit. But no raquetball court or stu- always gives me a couple deer steaks,” dent has seen the likes of one man, Aerospace Engineering professor Larry Clean. Neal Baker said. Clean, an all-american hero, hails What’s obvious is that people from Rhode Island where he grew are excited to see Clean perform. up playing the four-wall sport. He Self-proclamed raquetball enthusi- currently holds the International ast Mike Farfield said, “I can’t wait Men’s Singles Title in raquetball to seem him hit that little blue ball , and the record for fastest serve ever. raquetball is SO cool.” Clean made the decision to come Until his first match at the Spring to Tech when his favorite trade mag- Fling, April 6-8, Clean’s biggest worry azine, “R-Ball Luver” ran a story has been the number of women chas- about Atlanta’s prominence in the ing him. “I just can’t shake that sport. “I’m the best ever, and it just Heather Sumrow, I wish she would seemed natural,” Clean said. stop stalking me,” said Clean, “I His decisions was lauded by lo- guess I just can’t help the fact that cal raquetball enthusiasts and greeted I’m beautiful, it’s natural.” upon his arrival with a ticker tape In fact Clean’s popularity has parade. “I love Clean, he is the sex- brought him trouble and now car- iest man alive. I think raquetball ries a hunting knife to fend-off po- players are the cutest,” added Tech tential attackers. “This one time I student Malissa Jones. had to chase this [expletive removed] But Clean doesn’t want to be who tried to break into my house, I By That Guy in Family Matters and Die Hard, what else has he been in? / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS thought of as just being able to hit a guess people just hate me for my This is the only known photo of Larry Clean. Its speculated that it was taken by a disgruntled opponent who had ball with a raquet, he also fancys talent.” just lost 15-0 for the 5th straight time. It is unclear if the Technique will be able to capture a real picture of Clean. technique: behind the scenes

AMT FB I TSE WA R P L A CE R I GGS AREYOUJOSH I NGME SEAL ANTE SOAL RED AL L SNL BCD ESS I AN MAL AAA NOVAE IWASONLYK IDDING ADMAN S I T ANO PIT ODE ALA RAH T I P ML I USES DODO I DES I HATEYOUFOREVER NEVER HOFFA EMU EPA SST N I B

Only after the last river has been poisoned, 32 • Sunday, April 1, 2001 • Technique HEHATEMEpage 32 Who shot Larry Clean? Field of Screams Find out all about this raquetball superstar. Everybody is upset about plans to tear down HEHATEME His life, his times, his friends, his knife, the outfield walls to plant rows of corn. everything is inside. Page 31 What is behind this new plan? Page 27 Technique •Sunday, April 1, 2001 Baseball fans caught with their pants down Chess named By K. Horible varsity sport It’s spanish, don’t ask In a surprise announcement Panic spread through the Russ the NCAA decided to include Chandler men’s bathroom at ap- chess as a sanctioned sport and proximately 1:25 p.m. Saturday, will create a Div. 1 champion- about 5 minutes before the start of ship competition. Tech followed the Tech-Maryland baseball game the announcement by forming when the sounds of the national a varsity squad from Tech’s al- anthem could be heard inside the ready existing club team. “Schol- cinderblock walls of the room. arship money was so easy to “I simply did not know what find, I guess Tech grads love do,” said junior management ma- chess,” said Athletic Director jor Drew Hobgood. “I was in the Dave Braine. The ACC looks middle of going to the bathroom, to provide fierce competition and I didn’t know if I should con- with some of the strongest teams tinue or walk outside and look at in competition coming from the flag.” Clemson and Florida State. It is Hobgood decided to finish uri- still unclear if play will be af- nation, deciding that he would have fected by the athlete’s foot out- to wash his hands even to if he just break. walked out till the finish of the anthem and that would add on another 30 seconds. “If someone saw me leave without washing my hands, I just don’t Athlete’s Foot know what I would do,” said Hob- serious good. “It would take me too long to Photo Illustration By Dale Russell / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS explain that I was just going to pay Several students were caught in the act during the Star-Spangled Banner at Saturday’s baseball game with my respects to my country and then Maryland. When the music began to play these students already had a seat and didn’t know what to do. problem finish going to the bathroom.” Fellow men’s bathroom patron absence. made it up to him after I bought Both Magrow and Hobgood were Bill Magrow, a sophomore indus- “I’m not really sure who the au- him a Papa John’s Pizza.” unsure whether they would attend In much the same manner trial engineering major, felt a weird thor is though, I might just type in Many in the crowd of 842 at- another baseball game after the in- as Foot and Mouth Disease the sense of disrespect as he used urinal national anthem,” said Magrow. tending the game were unsympa- cident. Tech community is up in arms three. According to Tech alumni Jas- thetic to the bathroom patrons’ panic “I won’t ever look at this stadi- over a recent outbreak of the “I couldn’t help but feel ungrateful on Goodstein, who was also present attack. um, this bathroom, and this coun- deadly fungus. Showers are be- going to the bathroom while the during the incident, the panic strick- “Anybody knows the anthem try the same,” said Magrow. “I can ing cleansed with bleach and choir sang an ode to our fallen country en faces on the urinal users was comes on five minutes before game only pray to Thomas Jefferson that student’s skin scrubbed bare to men,” said Magrow. enough to make him look away. time,” said Jon Baskon, a self-de- he grants me forgiveness for my uri- prevent the spread. Housing and Magrow said he would go home “I couldn’t look into my son’s scribed ‘baseball addict’. “They nation act.” SAC have taken dramatic steps later and download the national an- eyes when we went to wash our brought it on to themselves,” said “All I ask for is understanding,” to slow the outbreak, including them on Napster to make up for his hands,” said Goodstein. “I think I Baskon. added Hobgood. issuing booties to all residents and patrons of SAC. Confused student fumbles with fight song Booties cause By Squeky Fromme who caught the pass. Second, Wat- I didn’t tell a soul kins is black, Muyres is white,” added Huner. serious The Rambling Wreck fight song Grisham’s worst incident oc- was severally botched by Georgia curred after the 2000 Georgia foot- accident on Tech sophomore Joshua Grisham ball win. Grisham tried repeatedly during a recent home basketball to climb the south goal post but court game. couldn’t get more than 3 inches off “He was mouthing the words the ground before falling to the Booties passed out by SAC and he raised his hand several frac- ground. He continued flaying his officials to prevent the spread tions of a second late during the ‘To arms and screaming, something that of Athlete’s Foot caused chaos hell with Georgia’ part of the fight classmate Ginny Min said sounded in the gym last week. Apparent- song,” said classmate Marc Angel. “more Chinese than English”. ly the booties were required at- Grisham, who tried to hide his After his attempt failed, he ran tire on the court because of apparent miscues, has a history of full speed toward current starting emergency measures to slow the this sort of activity. quarterback George Godsey and outbreak of the fungus. Unfor- “When he sings Motown grabbed on to his leg and wouldn’t tunatly, the slick surface of the Philly[Boyz II Men’s hit song dur- let go. It took stadium security sev- booties caused players to slide ing the early nineties] he only shouts eral minutes to pry the screaming and break limbs and strech out ‘Motown Philly back again’,” Grisham from Godsey. grouns, several ended up in the said junior Heather Feldkamp. “It’s “Honestly, I think what that id- Student Health Center. not that hard of a song to memo- iot did has never left me,” said God- rize, it just takes a little effort.” sey. “There are nights where I wonder Grisham, who has attended vir- if I will be able to face the morning Hospital tually every home football game and sun.” an assortment of basketball games A member of Swarm, Grisham crowding during his two years at Tech, has tried to join the basketball team as a tried to be an avid Tech fan ever team manager during the 2000-01 creates excess since he was accepted to school in season. December 1999. However, he has “I’ll give it to him, he has enthu- failed to pay attention during sever- siasm,” said basketball coach Paul of Chick-fil-a al key game moments. Hewitt. “However, he lacks most “During Christmas break, he was of the abilities to be a team manag- Apparntly the large volume telling us at a party that he was by er, such as an ability to pay atten- of students in the Student Health the endzone where Jon Muyres tion for a reasonable period of time Center has lead to an excess of caught the touchdown pass at Clem- and basic verbal skills,” added Hewitt. chicken at the Student Center son to win the game,” said Monroe Grisham, also an avid intramu- Chick-fil-a. The Institute has By Daniel Uhlig / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS Huner, a classmate of Grisham’s at ral basketball player in the C Divi- generated quite a bit of revenue This student was completely confused about when and in what manner to Saline High School. “I didn’t want sion, is regarded as one of the most from selling the chicken as a raise his hands during a football game. Rumors tout that he replaced the to embarrass him, but come on. replacement for the diseased beef words “we’ll drop the battle ax” with “we’ll drop the smack down.” First of all all, it was Kerry Watkins See Song, page 28 in Europe. Friday, March 30, 2001

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