Mark Wats n's 25-H ur Interactive C medy Fundraising Extravaganza f r Red N se Day, 2 13

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TABLE OF CONTENTS ...... 3 CONTEXT...... 6 EXPLAINS ALL ...... 7 THURSDAY, 6-11PM ...... 13 IN WHICH WE SET UP...... 13 HOUR #1, 11-12PM ...... 16 IN WHICH WE BEGIN ...... 16 IN WHICH CHALLENGES ARE DETAILED ...... 21 CHALLENGE, 11-12PM ...... 32 CLAIRE TRAVERS-SMITH: 25 DATES IN 25 HRS ...... 33 CLAIRE'S DATE # 1 - MATT (11PM) ...... 34 HOUR #2, 12-1AM ...... 35 IN WHICH TIERNAN GETS THE FIRST PIE IN THE FACE, THE TENT GOES UP, AND SETS A PLAN IN MOTION ...... 35 COUNTDOWN CHALLENGE, 12-1AM ...... 56 CLAIRE'S DATE # 2 - OSKAR (MIDNIGHT) ...... 57 HOUR #3, 1-2AM ...... 58 IN WHICH WE LEARN OF RUFUS HOUND’S SPECIAL CHALLENGE ...... 58 COUNTDOWN CHALLENGE, 1-2AM ...... 75 CLAIRE'S DATE # 3 - SAM (1AM) ...... 76 HOUR #4, 2-3AM ...... 77 IN WHICH ADAM HILLS AUDITIONS THE AUDIENCE FOR ‘’ ...... 77 COUNTDOWN CHALLENGE, 2-3AM ...... 94 CLAIRE'S DATE # 4 - SAM (2AM) ...... 95 HOUR #5, 3-4AM ...... 96 IN WHICH WE TALK TO TAPEFACE, AND A CHIHUAHUA MAN ...... 96 COUNTDOWN CHALLENGE, 3-4AM ...... 115 CLAIRE'S DATE # 5 - MARCO (3AM) ...... 116 HOUR #6, 4-5AM ...... 117 IN WHICH WE COMMISSION A SONG FROM AUSTRALIA ...... 117 COUNTDOWN CHALLENGE, 4-5AM ...... 133 CLAIRE'S DATE # 6 - OLI (4AM) ...... 134 HOUR #7, 5-6AM ...... 135 IN WHICH WE HEAR ANDY MCCLELLAND’S SONG, CHRIS JONES COMMENCES LONGFORM FLIRTATION, EMMA HAS HER FIRST PUBLIC WEE AND WE DO ROUND #2 OF ‘THE LAST LEG’ AUDITIONS ...... 135 COUNTDOWN CHALLENGE, 5-6AM ...... 147 CLAIRE'S DATE # 7 - WILLARD (5AM) ...... 148 HOUR #8, 6-7AM ...... 149 IN WHICH BEN TARGET REARRANGES FLOWERS, AND WE GO SEE THE SUN ...... 149 COUNTDOWN CHALLENGE, 6-7AM ...... 163 CLAIRE'S DATE # 8 - MIKE (6AM) ...... 164 HOUR #9, 7-8AM ...... 165

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IN WHICH WE VISIT THE COUNTDOWN BUNKER, AND MARK HUGS A MAN FOR AN HOUR ...... 165 COUNTDOWN CHALLENGE, 7-8AM ...... 179 CLAIRE'S DATE #9 - DARREN (7AM) ...... 180 HOUR #10 8-9AM ...... 181 IN WHICH ANDY RILEY DRAWS, DAVID SCHNEIDER FEEDS, AND MARK TALKS TO 6MUSIC ...... 181 COUNTDOWN CHALLENGE, 8-9AM ...... 196 HOUR #11 9-10AM ...... 199 IN WHICH ADAM HESS RECITES PI, WE MEET RAFFERTY BASIL DANGER WILLS, DAVINA MCCALL RINGS IN, WE DO A HARLEM SHAKE AND EMMA FREUD HAS BUN FUN ...... 199 COUNTDOWN CHALLENGE, 9-10AM ...... 213 CLAIRE'S DATE #11 - MARTIN (9AM) ...... 214 HOUR #12 10-11AM ...... 215 IN WHICH JANE GARVEY INTERVIEWS MARK, PENNY SMITH MIS-PRONOUNCES ‘’, GARY LINEKER RINGS IN AND ADAM HILLS HANDS OUT PASTRIES ...... 215 COUNTDOWN CHALLENGE, 10-11AM ...... 230 CLAIRE'S DATE #12 - ANDY (10AM) ...... 231 HOUR #13 11AM-12PM ...... 232 IN WHICH SANDERSON AND MIKEY BREAK THE MARATHON HUGGING RECORD, TALKS OF GOATS, RINGS IN, JANET ELLIS ARRIVES, WE SEND A FLASHMOB TO KING’S CROSS, AND THE FIRST MONOPOLISTS RETURN ...... 232 COUNTDOWN CHALLENGE, 11AM-12PM ...... 260 CLAIRE'S DATE #13 - MARK (11AM) ...... 261 HOUR #14 12-1PM ...... 262 IN WHICH AND BOB GELDOF RING IN, A BEAGLE FURRY ARRIVES, ZACH BRAFF WISHES US WELL, AND PAT MONAHAN CROWD-SURFS ...... 262 COUNTDOWN CHALLENGE, 12-1PM ...... 281 CLAIRE'S DATE #14 - PIERRE (MIDDAY) ...... 282 HOUR #15 1-2PM ...... 283 IN WHICH NEW CLUB MAKE US DANCE, RINGS IN, VIKKI STONE SINGS, AND CLOWNS ARRIVE WITH AN AWFUL LOT OF CUSTARD ...... 283 COUNTDOWN CHALLENGE, 1-2PM ...... 301 CLAIRE'S DATE #15 - CHAD (2PM) ...... 302 HOUR #16 2-3PM ...... 303 IN WHICH TIERNAN DOUIEB GETS UTTERLY CUSTARDED, LIVE COUNTDOWN HAPPENS, BRINGS DONUTS AND KNOWLEDGE OF GRINDR, AND PATRICK KIELTY READS US JOKES FROM RADIO2 LISTENERS ...... 303 COUNTDOWN CHALLENGE, 2-3PM ...... 323 CLAIRE'S DATE #16 - LUKE (3PM) ...... 324 HOUR #17 3-4PM ...... 325 IN WHICH MITCH BENN WRITES US A SONG, JOHN-LUKE ROBERTS GOES ON A DATE WITH CLAIRE TRAVERS-SMITH, JESS DRESSES HESS, AND MARK EATS CHEESE FOR CHARITY ...... 325 COUNTDOWN CHALLENGE, 3-4PM ...... 340 CLAIRE'S DATE #17 - NORRIE (4PM) ...... 341 HOUR #18 4-5PM ...... 342 IN WHICH JENNIFER SAUNDERS ARRIVES AND OFFERS A GRAND FOR TEN WEES ONE OF WHICH HAPPENS LIVE ONSTAGE IN FRONT OF MAT RICARDO ...... 342 COUNTDOWN CHALLENGE, 4-5PM ...... 362 CLAIRE'S DATE #18 - LUKE (5PM) ...... 363

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HOUR #19 5-6PM ...... 364 IN WHICH TIERNAN IS PIED BY , WE SEE NEW ART CLUB’S BUM DANCE, POO ANECDOTES HAPPEN AND FOUR PRIMARY SCHOOL CHILDREN ARRIVE ...... 364 COUNTDOWN CHALLENGE, 5-6PM ...... 387 CLAIRE'S DATE #19 - CARL (6PM) ...... 388 HOUR #20 6-7PM ...... 389 IN WHICH USES US LIKE GUINEA PIGS, THE BOY WITH TAPE ON HIS FACE DOES A TRICK, WE HEAR POWERFUL SPEECHES FROM 'BEVERLY HILLS CHIHUAHUA', THE BUSKER ARRIVES AND CALLS IN ...... 389 COUNTDOWN CHALLENGE, 6-7PM ...... 405 CLAIRE'S DATE #20 - GAVIN (7PM) ...... 406 HOUR #21 7-8PM ...... 407 IN WHICH TOM BELL REPORTS ON THE OUTSIDE WORLD, RAY TALKS ABOUT RAY, AND ARRIVES WITH STOLEN GOODS ...... 407 COUNTDOWN CHALLENGE, 7-8PM ...... 422 CLAIRE'S DATE #21 - WOODY (8PM) ...... 423 HOUR #22 8-9PM ...... 424 IN WHICH RACHEL RILEY PIES TIERNAN AND FACES YIANNI IN A MATHS OFF, KRISHNAN GURU- MURTHY PERSONALLY READS THE NEWS AS MARK EATS A LASAGNE, ‘COUNTDOWN’ HAPPENS LIVE ONSTAGE AND ZACH BRAFF BECOMES DEAD TO US ...... 424 COUNTDOWN CHALLENGE, 8-9PM ...... 441 CLAIRE'S DATE #22 - KEIR (9PM) ...... 442 HOUR #23 9-10PM ...... 443 IN WHICH WE AUCTION EVERYTHING, NADIA IS INVITED TO BE PART OF A THREESOME, WE WATCH ‘THE LAST LEG’ AND ADMIRE A CAKE HOUSE ...... 443 COUNTDOWN CHALLENGE, 9-10PM ...... 454 CLAIRE'S DATE #23 - JONATHAN (10PM) ...... 455 HOUR #24 10-11PM ...... 456 IN WHICH BUYS A STRANGER’S PHONE BILL AND A MURAL BUT NOT A SHEWEE ...... 456 COUNTDOWN CHALLENGE, 10-11PM ...... 467 CLAIRE'S DATE #24 - ANDY (10.30PM) ...... 469 HOUR #25 11-12PM ...... 470 IN WHICH RUFUS HOUND DOES WHAT HE HAS PROMISED, TO THE ASTONISHMENT OF JONATHAN ROSS ...... 470 COUNTDOWN CHALLENGE, 11PM-12AM ...... 488 CLAIRE'S DATE #25 - DAN & NADIA (11PM) ...... 490 THE WITCHING HOUR ...... 491 MY 25 HOURS OF BEING FUNNY FOR MONEY ...... 493 INDEX ...... 495

5 Sponsored Scribing Context

From 11pm on Thursday 28th February, through to midnight at the close of Friday 1st March, I took notes of almost everything that happened onstage at the eighth of Mark Watson's Long Shows. Hence this doorstop of a record, which can be both a commemorative memory-jog for attendees, a sturdy introduction-cum-inculcation to these ludicrous endeavours for those who were not party to proceedings, and an outlandishly comprehensive alibi to anyone who needs one. Read it all and you'll feel like you're right there. Which is one glorious reason for making the effort in the first place.

Trying to explain the Long Shows can come unstuck on reeling off a list of exploits, achievements and incongruous celebrity appearances. That doesn't get to the heart of why people come, and why people stay. It ignores the LOOK WHAT WE CAN DO WHEN WE DO IT TOGETHER charm. After four such shows in Edinburgh, and one satellite to in Highgate, this was my sixth. I would ABSOLUTELY have been record-keeping, were I not being sponsored to do so. But the notes would not have been kept with the same level of detailed dedication. And there would be c£360 less in the Red Nose Day pot, vital funds going to all sorts of projects in the UK and Africa.

Mark's previous Long Shows have been about what we can make happen, for the sake of itself. This is the first where the sense of pulling together for a common good has been for more than our personal collective short-term happiness, and the creation of excellent memories and friendships. The great hoopla nonsense of the Long Shows was never about ego - despite featuring so very many performers - but rather a sense of 'what if..?', which lent all such a solid core. Acts and audience together transmuting one playground day in the middle of a pressure-on festival into gold. And this year it's actual gold, raising more than 60 grand for charity with this unlikely alchemy. Hee.

6 Mark's Initial Blog Mark Watson Explains All Twenty-Five Hours - 10/01/13 I am looking for comedy superfans who fall It’s time to give notice of something I’ve not into two categories: done for a while: a MASSIVE, 1. PEOPLE TO COME AND SEE THIS OVERAMBITIOUS, STUPID SHOW. GODDAMN THING. Although people are You’ll know that I have, in the past, been always able to drop in and out, 24-hour shows known to do 24-hour shows, even going to 33 have traditionally attracted a hardcore of and 36 hours on occasion. I’ve done five in lunatics who watch the entire thing. It’s Edinburgh and two in Melbourne, to be definitely the best way to experience it… if you precise. They come up in every interview and have a day of your life when nothing else they helped me make my name, and although needs to be accomplished, that is. The record I am constantly trying to change the subject, for ‘lifers’ is, I think, 112 or something. But they’re probably the thing in my comedy life we’ve always had at least thirty to forty. These that I’m proudest of. Even the ones that were people are the lifeblood of the long show. If a bit shit for periods of up to 15 hours. They you think this could be you, I want to know engendered feats of cooperation, created an about you. (You do get to eat and leave the atmosphere, and provided slightly room for the toilet, by the way. And even hallucinogenic memories on a scale which I sleep, if you want.) wouldn’t be able to achieve in a normal show. 2. PEOPLE TO DO CHALLENGES. The idea I wound up the long-show franchise in 2009 of this is not only to raise money by being with what now seems the prima donna-ishly sponsored to do the show and various things titled ‘Last Ever 24 Hour Show’, thinking it was during the show, etc, but also to get people better to quit while ahead than to keep pulling around the country doing their own 25-hour off the stunt with diminishing returns until it challenges. Sponsored silence, sponsored became almost meaningless, like Big Brother. eating bread, sponsored shouting at But now… strangers, unicycling, fudge-making, fact- It’s ’s fault. You can’t really turn learning, football-juggling: whatever. Comic Relief down. It is their 25th anniversary Outlandish/difficult/newsworthy is good, but it this year; they asked for a 25-hour show. could equally be something very small, yet Featuring challenges by members of the difficult for you. Something you could public and audience members alike, being realistically do for 25 hours, even it has to be broadcast on various radio stations and fitted around your normal work/uni day. We’ll streamed online, and all in all making money help you to get sponsorship, too, by for good causes. You can see it from my publicising them all together, so don’t be position: I’d be pretty fucking furious if deterred by thinking all your friends are poor. someone else did it. So I’m doing it. There is no limit on the number of these, but 25 hours. Jesus. I’m getting too old for this. I’d like to incorporate some of them into the show. This doesn’t mean you have to come to This is what will happen. It will be at the – you can just be in touch during the Pleasance (the Pleasance being one proceedings. Have a think about this and of the big traditional supporters of the long either leave a comment, or tweet me show), in North London, starting at eleven pm (@watsoncomedian), or tweet the person on February 28 – Thursday night – and going whose problem the long shows are through till midnight the following day, that is, (@CorryShawComedy). Friday 1st March. We wanted to do it on a weekend, but Comic Relief wanted a I will be banging on about this event every weeknight as it’s easier to get publicity and so week or so from now until it happens, so keep forth, and, well, it’s their gig really. So as a checking back here. And please let me know if compromise it’s going over a Friday. I hope you could get involved with this, either this means interested parties might be able to watching or doing something divvy for charity. swing a day off work a bit more easily. I don’t LET’S BE HAVING YOU! as Delia Smith once know why I’m assuming Friday would be any famously yelled. It wasn’t her proudest easier to bunk than any other day. I guess I’d moment, but it worked. I’m hoping I might end know if I had a job. up saying something similar about this.

7 Mark's Blogs Twenty-Five Hours: Let's Do Stuff! - There’s the prospect that people doing 18/01/13 challenges as part of the actual show (i.e. A week ago I announced the rash intention to physically in the room) will get in for free, if perform for 25 hours, a full and potentially they can get at least a tiny bit of sponsorship, ruinous hour longer than the day-long shows but this again is the sort of thing you have with which I made my name… Meetings about. We will of course do all possible things to make sure everyone who Lots of people said they’d show up and maybe wants/needs to be there, is there. But – unlike even last the course – but where, they in previous marathon shows where I’ve understandably asked, do we get tickets? If I charged about 40p and let most people in hadn’t been an idiot I would have mentioned without even paying that – I am this time keen ticketing in the blog itself, or even waited until to raise funds on a grand scale. the arrangements were formal, but I am an idiot, and we just have to work around that Right. That’s that unpleasant aspect of situation. Luckily, some non-idiots are proceedings covered. patiently working on the logistics. It looks like tickets will be on sale on the Pleasance website, on the morning of January 31st. I will do some reminding on this blog and on and suchlike. Interest levels have been considerable so far, and I speak as someone who has experienced quite the opposite in my time. So, don’t panic, but if you are thinking of coming, you should be in a state of hawk-like readiness on that day. If you’re wondering how much they’ll cost, what the deal is with buying a day-long ticket versus dropping in, and so on… I am too. It will all become clear over the days to come. But the likely answers (not in order) are: tickets will be sold as 25- hour tickets, and then if you leave during the event for more than a certain length of time, someone else can take your place by buying on the door – the same system we have used before. And it will probably cost about £25, with some concessions. Which is quite a lot, Now. This will be more fun. We have had, but the thing is, it’s £1 an hour and it is for already, quite a number of tremendous offers DISADVANTAGED KIDS. And it will feature of challenges. By offers I mean anything from QUITE A NUMBER OF WELL-KNOWN ‘I will certainly be doing this difficult thing, and who are already signed up but have arranged some sponsorship’ right down whose names I can’t reveal until Comic Relief to ‘well, I guess I COULD conceivably attempt say I can. something I haven’t worked out yet’. People in

the first category will be getting an email very soon, so if you pledged to/vaguely hinted that you might take on an eating, drawing or bathing challenge, get ready to regret. But there were also dozens of emails and blog comments in the second category. So I have come up with – obviously – 25 things I’d like to happen, which nobody has volunteered for yet. Some of them are things you could definitely attract sponsorship for; others, I’m not sure you could, but they’d be valuable components of the show. Some are designed to happen in the venue, others could be done in your office or prison cell.

8 Mark's Blogs

-FRIENDSHIPS. Similar to the above, but with more tools at your disposal. How many new people can you get to know, using Facebook/Twitter/actually going out and meeting people? How many meaningful friendships can you form? This would suit someone who’s a bit bored with their own social circle but lacks the impetus to find a whole new one.

-ORDINARY DAY. Again, perhaps not something people would want to sponsor, but we’re looking for some people to do nothing other than stay in touch with us and report back the details of their normal days. This is purely for the fun of having someone in the outside world, as we gradually lose touch with

it. In particular anyone from abroad would be If you fancy trying your luck at any of these, or great. if you have any other idea for something you -MASSIVE FOOD. You see these people could attempt over 25 hours – especially, but sometimes on the news and stuff, who’ve not exclusively, something you can ‘monetize’, made a Yorkshire pudding the size of a to use a word which I’m afraid has passed into building or a hot-dog as long as a station the language – then the email address to tell platform or whatnot. I want a bit of this action. us is: [email protected] Could you and your friends cook something You can, of course, also leave a comment appallingly big? Or an incredible number of here as usual, but you will probably just get a one foodstuff, like buns? But especially message asking you to email the address massive food. GIVE ME MASSIVE FOOD. anyway. Because I’m trying to keep things You’ve got 25 hours, remember. You could reasonably orderly until the day itself, when marinade. You could slow-cook. they will become utterly chaotic. Right, the list. And I stress again, these are just ideas. I doubt we will get all of them. Feel free to add your own suggested variations.

-SUPER BOOK GROUP. 25 people read 25 books over 25 hours. Obviously not everyone can read every book, but we work out some sort of system and the group meets periodically during the show to chat. This is already being planned and will happen at the actual Pleasance, most likely. Would you like to read for 25 hours straight? Let us know.

-UNLIMITED TEXT BINGE. A lot of people have unlimited text messages these days. -SWEAR BOX AND POLITE BOX. Swear too Could you text for 25 hours? Start by texting much? Run a swear box for 25 hours. Get everyone in your phone book, then meet other other people involved. Quite repressed, don’t contacts through them, and see how many swear enough, maybe brought up religious or text conversations you can hold just feel wrong saying rude things? Run a simultaneously. Catch up with people you’ve reverse swear box where you’re penalised for not spoken to forever. Make entirely new being too polite. See how it feels to liberate friends. I’m quite excited by this idea. yourself. You’ll find it feels fucking excellent.

It might not be directly sponsorable but you -SPONSORED SPONSOR. We haven’t quite could do something like mention casually to worked out how this would work, but someone everyone that you’re fundraising, or direct ideally will be sponsored to sponsor as many them to other challenges, or something. other people as they can.

9 Mark's Blogs

-HOBBY! Take up something new, become -GOOD OLD THINK. Similar to the above, but proficient in it over 25 hours, and ideally the opposite. How about having a good old demonstrate your prowess late in the show think for 25 hours? Some of what you think (having shown early in the show that you don’t about might be fundraising ideas which you have a clue about it). For : unicycling, can put into action. At other times you might magic, some form of dance, some martial just reach insights which you can share with art… you know. Hobbies. We will help you by us. trying to match-make you with someone who knows how to do it.

-SOULMATES Back in the first one in 2004 and in subsequent shows we ran a Lonely Hearts game, based on Blind Date, but nowadays it’s called Soulmates. The principle is the same, though. Are you looking for love? I’m quite serious about this (I’ve had two successful proposals at my shows, by the way, and am responsible for at least a couple of other relationships). It’ll be a couple of weeks after Valentine’s. Do you want to go through that all over again in 2014?

No. FIND LOVE IN THE SHOW. -A-BEGGING I WILL GO. Among other things, If we can create a couple or couples, we will an event like this is an exercise in blagging. arrange for you to go on some sort of date Lots of times we will need people to go to this and report back to us. Or – if we get enough, business, that institution, even perhaps that we could even try a mini-speed date. All celebrity, and quite simply try and get them to applications for this will be handled give us stuff. It won’t be asking for money. It sensitively. will be more, can we get some breakfast for people who’ve been in a room for 17 hours? -LET’S LIST. Sponsored list-making. You Or can we persuade a sports shop to donate a could either produce a stupendous number of trampoline so someone can raise £100 by lists in 25 hours, or perhaps more enticingly bouncing (below)? This would suit maybe two just write one, astonishingly long, list. When or three friends who are reasonably ballsy and people say ‘the list is endless’ they are can keep each other company and ultimately normally exaggerating. We might just be able have a useful CV entry. to change that. -DO THEY KNOW IT’S (NOT) CHRISTMAS? -SPOMPLIMENTS. Sponsored compliments. Remember Christmas? Yes, we’ve just had it. How many people can you cheer up in 25 How would you like to celebrate it all over hours by giving them a nice compliment? again? You wouldn’t. It would be awful. The Even if they find out that you’re doing it for whole point is the once-a-year thing. But I’m charity, does it matter? Probably not; they’ll looking for someone to do exactly that, for still know that you think their henna tattoo is sponsorship. You have to really go for it: pretty. I think this could be a rewarding Christmas dinner, carolling. Might suit exercise for all concerned, including the someone who didn’t have a very good complimenter. Helping people is known to Christmas and is looking for another crack at boost your own contentment levels as well as it. Or someone who just bloody loves it. theirs. -INVENTATHON 2013. Are you one of these -TALK TALK. I will be talking for (more or less) people who are always saying ‘why doesn’t 25 hours. Can you? You don’t need a big someone invent…’? Spend 25 hours audience in a room. Can you have a rolling brainstorming ideas for stuff which should conversation with a number of different exist, but doesn’t. You don’t necessarily need people, or deliver a virtually uninterrupted to know how to manufacture any of it. We will monologue (including calling us, obviously, try to put you together with technically-minded now and again), or just yammer on into a people and perhaps even find someone for

Dictaphone until you pass out? you to pitch the best idea(s) to.

10 Mark's Blogs

-MONOPOLY BUT IN ACTUAL LIFE. Self- -BACK ON THE CHAIN GANG. Something explanatory. Two people or two teams race here for anyone who definitely can’t make it to around London, aiming to visit every London. A couple of years ago on this blog, I Monopoly property (sending back gave away an iPod as a competition prize and photographic proof). I did this myself years sent it round the country, via dozens of ago, with my sisters, purely for fun. And readers who each added a song, until believe me, it is fun. I am hoping to get eventually it found its way – loaded up with someone rich to sponsor this by making a music – to the lady, Anna, who’d won it. I donation to Comic Relief on behalf of the would like to replicate this in 25 hours by winner, or something. passing some sort of object down the country via a series of transactions between strangers. Any suggestions welcome.

-SLEEP. In one 24-hour show a man called Guy slept for the duration. Anyone?

-BOUNCEBACKABILITY. If you’ve been to one of my shows recently, you’ll know of my fondness for bouncy castles. Either on a bouncy castle, or on a trampoline, what is the longest you or yours can bounce for? COULD IT BE 25 HOURS? We might well be able to supply a bouncing thing if you come to us. Or you can do it freelance on your own terms.

-GAMES. Games. 25 hour darts. Or pool. Or badminton. Anything. You like games, right?

Why not play one for just over a day, then? Exactly. There’s no reason why not. -THIS’LL BE THE DAY THAT I DIE (SPONSORED SING). Can you – on your -25-HOUR SHOW. Failing all this, just do your own or ideally, for your sanity, with a group – own 25-hour show. That’s what I’m bloody sing the same song for 25 hours? No you well doing. can’t, it would be awful. But you COULD. I So, as I mentioned, a few of these could think there is a breakable world record for this, probably end up being actual official Guinness as for some of these others. I was thinking World Record attempts, and (unlike previous ‘American Pie’ would be great because it’s marathon shows) this whole thing will be pretty long, so you’d only need to sing it tracked and recorded so you could actually maybe 220 times over or something. Of end up making a piece of history. As well as course it doesn’t have to be the same song. money for the poor. Good? YES. AMAZING. Singing anything at all for 25 hours would be Do it, then. Do something. Fill one of these remarkable. It’s just there’s something very vacancies or come up with something entirely funny about it being the same song repeated different. Go on. I mean it. Ta. until it became near-unbearable. This is the kind of stunt we could probably get widespread sponsorship for, by publicising it as we went along.

-HELPING HAND. In a similar vein to some of the other ones here, and easy to achieve wherever you are. Can you charge people say £1 (or whatever) to help them with anything of their choice? Almost everyone alive needs some sort of help with something every day. You wouldn’t even need to charge – you could make it a ‘voluntary donation’ and then guilt- trip the hell out of them. Up to you.

11 Mark's Blogs 25-hour show: last call - 12/02/13 So, of the remaining handful of tickets, I’m going to keep some back for people who want As you might have gathered from tweets or to volunteer to do something sponsored from news or from angrily refreshing your web actually in the venue – or coming and going browser, tickets to the 25-hour show sold out from the venue to an appropriate location. in four minutes. This commercial success In my last blog I made a load of suggestions, makes me think perhaps I should tour with a about ¾ of which were taken up, but I don’t 25-hour show next time, but the implications want to be too prescriptive, because some of of doing fifty of them back-to-back probably the best ideas have come from people out of need a bit of thinking through. the blue. So for the moment there is only this last Don’t worry too much about how you’d attract chance to squeeze in to the ludicrous events sponsorship. There’ll be a central page on which will take place at the Pleasance Red Nose Day site where everyone will have Islington, between the end of February 28th their own little challenge profile – this should and midnight of March 1st. be set up on Thursday – so you’ll have the We’ve managed to make a very small number chance to reach a lot more people than your of extra tickets available by overriding some immediate friends and your kind aunt Susie old fire regulations which were only getting in who already sponsored you £50 to go to Peru everyone’s way. that time. Focus on the challenge itself. Go for These will go on sale on Thursday week, but something interesting, ambitious, maybe a there’s going to be an element of fortune little stupid. Something you’ve always wanted involved once again, what with computers to get around to in life, but could never justify sometimes not working and sites going down it. YOUR JUSTIFICATION IS HERE. at crucial moments and people having to Something you could never achieve by work. So I wanted to give deserving yourself, but might be able to with the support individuals a chance to stake their claim. and resources of a large number of tired people. Which brings me back to the main point of the show: sponsored challenges for Comic Relief. (But also, don’t be put off by the thought of being the centre of attention. There’ll be a lot Since I last appealed for people to do this, going on, and whole challenges will probably we’ve had some spectacular offers. be forgotten about for chunks of around 18 We now have – to take just a few examples – hours as my brain turns to papier-mache. two of Countdown’s greatest players going Anyway, I’ve kind of signed up to be the head-to-head for 25 hours, in the world’s most centre of attention myself.) horrendous word-marathon ever; an entire Now, if you’ve thought about this – maybe school spending the day teaching a curriculum you’ve thought about it long and hard every of 25 lessons which we will dictate; two men time I’ve put a blog up – and you’re still pretty on stage throughout hugging 25 hours for a convinced there’s nothing you can do, and Guinness World Record. you’d really rather watch and cheer for 25 Incredibly someone is busking in London for hours (which is perfectly valid, and indeed 25 hours, linked to us by camera and phone. rather crucial to proceedings)… that is One lady is using the venue to conduct 25 absolutely fine, and as I said, there will be still dates, another is going to try and achieve 25 be a window to buy last tickets on life aims with the audience’s help. FEBRUARY 21st, a week before the big day. I will blog again the day before, to remind you. And there is quite a lot more besides, as I’m keeping some of the best stuff secret till the And even then, the very last five-or-so tickets show itself. are going to be eBayed, in the hope that someone like Sheikh Mohammed thinks ‘shit, All these quests are being sponsored, with the I’ve not sorted myself out yet’ and panic-buys money going to the excellent causes Comic one for £70,000. But you don’t want to wait for Relief works for (here and in Africa). Making that. You don’t want to go up against the this – and you know I wouldn’t use this phrase Sheikh. Trust me. lightly – one of the year’s biggest day-long charitable fuckfests. www.markwatsonthecomedian.com But I still want more.

12 6-11pm Thursday, 6-11pm

18.45 "I can't sleep!" squeals the child in the advert, playing on a loop in my head1. "I'm too excited! Mum says it's SIMPLY MAGICAL!" Me too, child. I flipping love the Long Shows. Though excitement is only one reason; it would be extremely rude to go to sleep before Barney arrives from …

@TiernanDouieb I am @ThePleasance for #25hours. Two people are already chanting 'Fuck you 25 hours I will win.'

22.10 Name exchanged for a wristband, Robert located, and late arrivals' names noted at the Pleasance Box Office, we can move onto Phase 2 of the preparation plan. I am almost immediately sidetracked by the sight of Adam Hills, who is hailed, politely pestered for promise of pizza (likely bagels in the morning this time round, he reckons), and brought upstairs on a Mark hunt, as Robert, Barney and I set about occupying one tiny well-socketed corner of the Pleasance's main room. Robert has a time-lapse camera plan, gaffer tape and some tenacity. I'd just really like to put my bag down. And my coat. And my other bag. And the felt-tip pens, Twister and other miscellanies that made up the just-in-case-they're-needed result of my getting in less nap in the gap twixt work and gig than I thought I would. (Downside, I had only an hour or so's sleep to punctuate a probable 41 hours of wakefulness. Upside, I have two emergency kazoos.) Am idiot. Happy idiot. Talking with Hills on how I wish I did cocaine, or one of the pick-me-up drugs, as he snickers in agreement. The sort of stimulant that can see you through…

1 Bonus [wholly unnecessary] scene-setting information, it's the Badgerland parody advert from Radio4's Museum of Everything that I'm thinking of, rather than the Disney original. Stoatily wonderful!

13 6-11pm

22.28 Mark leans over the balcony, above the bar, to holler down to us, letting us know we'll be going in in ten minutes or so, and a few other details, before he realises he is wasting admin he could use to fill up some- all of the next 25 hours. Shushes self. And comes back down to the foyer, so as people doing Challenges can make themselves known to him. Looking way more tired, even at this stage, than a man about to embark on quite the marathon really should; this the first Long Show for a purpose outside of "just because", and there have been acres of preliminaries to sort. If this gig could be a metaphorical pop video - and I don't see why not, it's many more things besides - it would be one by OK Go, all contorted Rube Goldberg machine complexity for one big fat nonsensical pay-off, that manages to be gloriously ludicrous, pointless and pointful. Yes!

22.50 We four get settled in, third-row left, with Long Show veterans Robert, Mel and Barney on my right, and a gap on my left for late-arriving Dec. Aisle seats for strategic nipping-out-to-recharge purposes [self, literal batteries, etc.]. And, you know, the chance to be repeatedly lap-danced by folk who need a wee. Or those heading out to write and record one song every hour, because that's the sponsored Challenge they have set themselves…

14 6-11pm

@sandersonjones Team #25hours is in the studio awaiting @watsoncomedian

15 Hour #1, 11-12pm Hour #1, 11-12pm

22.59 The start of the show catches me somewhat by surprise, I having a swell time gassing in a corner (ACMS have an excellent Edinburgh home! Sarah has a massive box! Holli has lovely PJs!). Hurriedly sit, and scrabble for both camera and notebook, as Tim Key bigs up his streaky friend, the "wafer-thin" Mark Watson. And the gig in general. "Who here's going to do twenty-four hours?" he roars, to some cheers, and a large number of foot-notily accurate heckles of "twenty-five!"2 From those who are acutely conscious of the timeframe sweeping up ahead of us, and who likely aren't simply reading the giant foam digits which flank the stage. "Twenty-five," Tim agrees, "you've got to do "twenty-five! Do as much as you can! Single figures is a bit lame, but anything over that…" Tim counsels that these sort of shows are "won and lost in the first fifteen hours, really".

23.00 "He's pathetically thin!" roars Tim, back on track. "He's magnificently talented! No-one else in the world could do this! Give it up for MARRRRRK! WATSONNNNNNNN!"

23.01 Mark comes out, and hails us, both we watching in the theatre and those tuning in to the online live-stream, that is eating almost every available drop of wi-fi in the building but which will serve to have people tuned in and attuned to what we, and Comic Relief, are up to3. Hence the backscreen which dominates the stage, alternatively reminding people what they are watching - MARK

2 Easy mistake to make. The Long Shows are most frequently 24 hours in length (the mode!). Look, MATHS:

Term Explanation Answer Working Mode Most frequent 24 24 (2004) + 33.4 (2005) + 36 (2006) + Average - total, divided by 24 (2007 Oz) + 24 (2007 UK) + Mean 26.8 number of digits 24 (2008 Oz) + 24 (2009) + 25 (2013) In the middle, when ranked Median 24 24 24 24 24 24 25 33.4 36 in size order

But if this one was also 24 hours long it wouldn't be quite as celebratory, for Comic Relief. And it would make a lie out of 2009 being 'Mark Watson’s Last Ever 24 Hour Show'. Retrospective caveats would be needed. All sorts of a to-do.

3 Yerrrs, I am using ' Red Nose Day' and 'Comic Relief' as interchangeable, while dimly aware this isn't quite right, just as an Edfringe attendee knows that 'Edinburgh' and 'August' are not in themselves synonyms for 'comedy festival'. It is the 25th anniversary of Red Nose Day, not Comic Relief. And we're here for the day just as sure as we are here for the Day, and all that that encompasses…

16 Hour #1, 11-12pm

WATSON'S 25 HOUR SHOW - and how to donate while watching4. Hence also our "wooo"s at the mention of charity are to be encouraged, "woo"s which happen here spontaneously (for the best audiences are trained to respond to particular intonation or the palms-up raising of the arms). "In a way, this is a terrible thing to do," notes Mark, "not fun at all". But in another…

23.03 The sharp-bobbed Holli Dillon - Yianni's girlfriend, sitting front-row comfy leaning on a pillow - catches Mark's eye, resplendent in bright pink sleepwear. She passed him earlier, saying she was going to get into her pyjamas, he tells us. He doesn't know why. He doesn’t even know who she is.

23.04 More scene-setting happens. Self-effacement too. There are expectations to be calibrated here. "As a fundraising gig, in terms of what Comic Relief actually does, this is basically bollocks." HOWEVER. From tiny acorns, and all that. In front of a backdrop urging the internet's viewers to text Mark' and donate a fiver, the man himself presses the point home. "£10 buys a goat, or medicine…" he fumbles5; "this is why I didn't get the main presenting gig".

4 Absolutely commendable, yes. Obviously. Only a churl would grumble about this. AND YET. Over the course of the show I really come to miss the screen as it has been in previous shows; connected to an onstage laptop, operated by a revolving cast of comics and trustworthy associates, it allowed the likes of Key, O'Doherty or Amstell to provide a running commentary on proceedings, their own form of surtitles as well as pictorial distraction. Interplay! Fun! Yes! If a video was mentioned we could find it online; if someone Tweeted about us we could bring it up. Song lyrics could be sought out and displayed; mission-points summarised; acts politely heckled (and happily undermined). Maybe, if - when? - this gig happens again, there can be a small side screen set up for that kind of thing. And the reinstatement of regular crowd-activities too. Everyone singing, or getting up to have a dance, really helps to stave off the waves of exhaustion, and to bind the room together. Some changes, from Festival Long Shows to this un are wholly understandable; this part of London is both less wholesome at night than the gig hub bits of Edinburgh, and lacking in an abundance of passing celebrities, and so the audience can't just be sent off on fun quests as they have been previously. But as we are blessed with one permanent base for the duration - generally we occupy rooms for a few hours until the venue need them back - the bits that keep the room engaged and awake are still more vital…

5 Among many other non-goat things, the money will go towards health initiatives in the UK and Africa, funding: mental health projects in the UK, which offer advocacy and support, as well as campaigning for better services the Ifakara Health Institute’s Empower project, which improves maternal health in Tanzania MENTOR (Kenya), Malaria Consortium (Uganda), Nets for Life (Ghana) and GFATM (Zambia), projects which help to fight HIV/AIDS, TB and malaria, providing nets, testing, education and training for health workers

support services for young people in the UK who need help with problem drinking

17 Hour #1, 11-12pm

by Pei Yen (oxymoronish.tumblr.com)

18 Hour #1, 11-12pm

@jlukeroberts Trial Separation has begun. Feel serene. #25hours

23.06 Mark is "actively encouraging" us to live-tweet the gig, using the hashtag #25hours, so as all such messages can be easily searched for (and even trend, if sufficient numbers of tweets are sent). "There will be slightly more sinister uses of the internet" we are promised, troublingly. Before something that could be taken as a far greater threat, if - say - you are taking minutes; we will do a register soon, promises Mark, before quantifying that 'soon' could mean 'in eight hours'6. Though we are excused some of the usual administrative bother, in trying to hustle in celebrities; they may just show up anyway, what with the cause we are working to and for. "This is the first time I've ever done a Long Show that was actually what you'd call 'worth doing'. Because for the first time the objectives that we set ourselves can actually be MONETISED. As people say. Or 'turned into money', as real people say."

@Andy_McClelland Superb good luck to the handsome @watsoncomedian for the next #25hours. If and when needed, Australia awaits.

23.08 "It's really helpful if you just clap and cheer like total morons," advises Mark, fully aware this is unsustainable for the entire show. Which will be twenty-five hours long; ignore Key. "Twenty-four, I don't regard it as a challenge."

@adamhess1 Show just started. The 'wafer-thin' Mark Watson is already begging the audience to clap and cheer already. #25hours

23.09 Mark's advice to us - to pace ourselves - is interrupted by someone sneezing, and he saying "bless you"7. It's too early to get ill, he cautions. Before realising "we've all got time to get ill and recover again".

23.10 Mark determines to put a lot of admin upfront, to put off as many internet viewers as he can. He doesn't seem entirely comfortable with this gig being that sort of public. It puts different pressures on; it has to be palatable for a mass audience, for one thing. And not awful. "Someone will get their cock out, there will be problems."

23.11 A time zone check puts us at about ten past. "Woo!" Yes indeed "That's probably 10% of the whole show. I'm not a mathematician." A newcomer at a comedy gig would be finished now, notes Mark, before pointing out that this is not comedy. "It's really more sort of a show…large collective meltdown…" Ground rules will be discussed shortly, he promises.

6 At NO POINT do we get round to doing a register. A headcount is sufficient.

7 Thus stopping the soul escaping through the nose, a devil entering that way, or any of us thinking he was terrifically badly brought-up.

19 Hour #1, 11-12pm

@adamhess1 Watson is now warning the audience there will be no comedy in the show. I'm starting to regret this #25hours

23.12 "Who's ever been to one of my Long Shows before?" asks Mark. Hands go up. More than one. The nearest hand-owner to the stage is Richard Flanagan, who has done the two in Melbourne and all bar the first of the Edinburgh ones, in 2004. "Like properly mental," summarises Mark, a man planning on staying onstage to entertain us for the next 1,488 minutes. Though he hasn't followed Mark to Australia, Barney has done all the Edinburgh Long Shows. As have the Big Three. Who are here - and Dec sneaking in beside me, hello Dec - a trio of blondes sitting up the back who acquired their nickname at some murky point in the past because, as Mark explains, that's one of the things that just sort of happens at these shows. He had been a little worried, he says, that "maybe one of them will have got fat in the meantime, but they haven't, so it's fine".

23.14 This will WITHER us, Mark promises. And oh but there's a lot to fit in. "If anything I could say I'm behind schedule." There are Challenges to outline to us8, so they can officially start - N.B. I have already started - otherwise one could insist they had an extra fifteen minutes at the end. Mark says he won't ask that of them. Though "technically" they are obliged to. Some Challenges are difficult, but have scant sponsorship, which doesn't seem right. "It's an unfair world - that's what Comic Relief is for."

8 These are detailed overleaf. I find it SOMEWHAT SUSPICIOUS that there should be exactly the right number as to fill two sides of A4, but cannot think of anyone who has been missed from the gig. I find it DEEPLY INTRIGUING - and an example of self-selecting bias - that every one of those sponsorable humans was located on Twitter (which was the only place I looked, as there is no handy Team Watson page for me to crib from). The Venn Diagram of Challengers and Twitterers is a circle. Possibly suggesting those who communicate with the world by texting the whole internet are more altruistic than those who prefer landlines and are wistful at the thought of carrier pigeons. Possibly proving that a gig announced on Twitter will be most popular with users of that site. One is reminded of the saying from the great thinker Donald Rumsfeld:

"There are known knowns. These are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say, there are things that we know we don't know. But there are also unknown unknowns. There are things we don't know we don't know."

Apologies, if you are, to me, an unknown unknown, due a mention herein. The slight was not intentional.

20 The Challenges

Who What Challenges are they doing? "As Mark Watson embarks on his 25 hour marathon comedy show, I will be Andrew contributing by running a very weird, slow marathon of my own. Each hour I will run Scherer just over one mile, passing the 26.22 miles as the show ends." http://my.rednoseday.com/sponsor/weirdslowmarathon Cathy & "Let's knit a really long scarf while watching a really long comedy show." Misha http://my.rednoseday.com/sponsor/knitathon "For my birthday, and as part of Mark Watsons 25 hour show at the Pleasance Charley Theatre, we are going to try and tick off as many cool things on a bucket list as March possible. These include: flying like Peter Pan, learning to drive, meeting a tiger." http://my.rednoseday.com/sponsor/charleymarch "After completing my blogging challenge to go on '52 First Dates', I decided to Claire make the most of what I do best (which is talking to strange men) and take up the Travers- gauntlet of going on 25 dates in 25 hours…" Smith http://my.rednoseday.com/sponsor/25Dates25Hours "On Friday 1st March, 180 pupils and 10 staff from Britannia Primary School will be having 25 lessons in their school day as part of Mark's 25 Hour Show. The lessons Dan will have a 25-based theme: 25 Ways To Make 25, Retell A Story In 25 Words etc. Woodrow Some of the lessons will even be set by Mark's audience when we report back to him live at the show during the day!" http://my.rednoseday.com/sponsor/25lessons "So Mark Watson is making me take part in his 25 hour Comedy Show. I'll be in a Emma tent on stage for ALL OF IT. He's making me wee in a bucket. It's going to be Kennedy AWFUL." http://my.rednoseday.com/sponsor/emmakennedy1 Holly Burns "writing a poem every half-hour…": http://www.justgiving.com/fiftypoems Isabelle Sponsored Scribing: http://my.rednoseday.com/sponsor/isabelle "Holly and I have foolishly volunteered to be part of Mark Watson's 25 Hour Show for Red Nose Day 2013. As a result I will be giving Holly a piggy back for the entire Jack Kenny length of Mark's epic show." http://my.rednoseday.com/sponsor/25HourPiggyBack James "I will be attempting to set a world record for longest marathon busking in London." Farrimond http://my.rednoseday.com/sponsor/busking "I am working on being less shy, by having conversations. 1 an hour. Apart from James that, no talking to anyone for 25 hours." Walker http://my.rednoseday.com/sponsor/jameswalkerguy Jenny “...build a house out of cake in 25 hours...” Watkinson http://my.rednoseday.com/sponsor/houseofcake "I will be finding someone to go on a gay date with me LIVE ON STAGE as part of Mark Watson's 25 Hour Show. I will source them on Grindr and then have the date Joe Lycett with them on stage all within 3 hours!" http://my.rednoseday.com/sponsor/joelycett "A sponsored trial separation. Luke is going to attempt to see what single life will John-Luke be like; playing tennis by himself, going on a see-saw by himself & eating an M&S Roberts & dine in for two meal deal by himself. Nadia will be asking strangers to tell her she's Nadia Kamil pretty & funny & they're proud of her ability to jog." http://my.rednoseday.com/sponsor/lukeandnadia "frankly foolhardy, 25-hour comedy marathon...” Mark Watson http://my.rednoseday.com/vip/markwatson "I will be joining Mark Watson on his 25 hr marathon gig to make a huge mural, live Markus on stage, Rolf Harris style. I'm only doing 15 hrs 'cos I also have 3 other gigs!" Birdman http://my.rednoseday.com/sponsor/markusbirdman

21 The Challenges

Mark, Innis Mark and Innis's Ridiculously Ambitious Head-to-Head Countdown Marathon and Zarte https://www.justgiving.com/CountdownMarathon Rachel and Helen Backhouse vs. Eric Lampaert and Paul Sweeney, at Monopoly. Monopolists http://my.rednoseday.com/sponsor/monopolyrace "I’m going to spend those 25 hours trying to become an adult. Im going to learn Nat dutch, find my favourite wine and finally understand tax! (Or learn to do the splits)." Luurtsema http://my.rednoseday.com/sponsor/natluurtsema "I will be watching Beverly Hills Chihuahua repeatedly for the duration of the show. Some research suggests that it can take as little of 43.5 mins of talking chihuahua Oliver Fisher to cause permanent psychological damage, so this is serious stuff." http://my.rednoseday.com/sponsor/Chihuahua "…for 25 hours solid I will be attempting to draw/sketch the requests/faces of an Pierre audience of the general public…" Novellie http://my.rednoseday.com/sponsor/pierrenovellie Richard "writing 25 poems in c.12 1/2 hours…if you donate some cash, I'll write you a Tyrone- poem as well, on any subject/title you like (but it'll probably be quite short)" Jones http://my.rednoseday.com/sponsor/richardtyronejones "Because I uncannily resemble the Mark Watson, I will be living his life for him while he performs for charity. For 25 hours I will chat to his family, go to Rob Palk meetings, eat his meals. Perhaps I'll pitch something to Radio 4 or wryly notice things that are funny about modern life." http://my.rednoseday.com/sponsor/robertpalk "Each hour through the show I'm going to write a song. I'm going to start at 11pm on Thursday writing a song about 1988 based on a hit song of the year, at midnight Robert Wells I'll move on to 1989, and hopefully by Friday midnight I'll have got up to the present. Chronicling a quarter of a century in song. What could go wrong?" http://my.rednoseday.com/sponsor/robertwells Sanderson "You look nice*. Mikey and I used to have the World Record for the World's Jones & Longest Hug. Then someone took it. We want it back. *Flattery." Mikey Lear http://my.rednoseday.com/sponsor/SandersonandMikey "I'm Spare Bear and I'm coming to London to spend 25 hours from Thurs 28th Feb Spare Bear making friends, creating mischief, having a BIG adventure and raising money." http://my.rednoseday.com/sponsor/sparebear "The Boy is doing what he does best but this time you can help raise some money The Boy With for Red Nose Day 2013. Sponsor someone who you know will guarantee to get the Tape On His job done! A sponsored SILENCE!" Face http://my.rednoseday.com/sponsor/theboywithtapeonhisface Shooting the first episode of an improvised sitcom during the show. Thesps http://my.rednoseday.com/sponsor/thespssitcom "…trying to learn to play the piano in 24 hours (I am musically inept) while being hit Tiernan in the face by custard pies of increasing size every hour." Douieb http://my.rednoseday.com/sponsor/tiernandouieb Wake-Modell Jan, Travis, Casey & Katie will build the Lego car that's taunted them for YEARS. family http://my.rednoseday.com/sponsor/janwakemodell "I will solve one multiplication sum each hour ... The catch is that on the Yianni first hour I have to multiply 1 number, the second hour 2 numbers and by the final Agisilaou hour (when I will no doubt be very tired!) twenty five numbers." http://my.rednoseday.com/sponsor/yianni "For the duration of Mark Watson's 25 hour show I shall be wallowing like a rather small hippo in my bath at home. I will probably disappear into a prune-like ball but I Zoë Groom feel it's worth the risk." http://my.rednoseday.com/sponsor/zoegroom

22 Hour #1, 11pm-12am

23.17 There are various "Satellite Challenges" happening outside this room. In Norwich a lady called Zoë is having a bath for 25 hours. "It's a terrible idea." But a fiscally viable one. She has already raised four or five hundred pounds, says Mark9. She may drown. But "that is banked, regardless".

@TiernanDouieb #25Hours Mark: 'finish on Friday at 00.00. Though theres no point in me talking to you about things like days. Those are in your past now'

23.19 There are men hugging on the balcony, on the right of the room, whom we will come to in a minute. "James is busking for 29 hours cos that's the World Record." He's out in London itself, and has been going since 2pm. Of course he has.

23.20 Someone arrives, distracting Mark briefly. "Normally you might pick on latecomers but it's not that kind of situation."

23.21 Witnesses are needed for the busker, to validate his attempt. And "emotional help", too. Mark says people from the show could go out to find him. And "jive" to the music. Or something. He frowns at his own choice of hepcat slang. "I'm 33." An "are you alive?" text is suggested, for James.

23.23 "Is that Mikey Lear?" asks Dec, peering into the gloom of the balcony. Yes, it is. "I went to college with him!" Mikey is hugging Sanderson Jones. For more than a day. As he has before; in January 2012 they - and three other couples10 - took the World Record, hugging for 24 hours and 44 minutes11. "We had it at the start of last year," calls Sanderson, "but then some POLISH women…" They are both determined to regain the Record. And have already been at it for thirteen hours. "After this Sanderson has a gig," Mark explains, which is why they need to finish before we do. Mark himself is not doubling up. Though he's meant to be somewhere else at 7pm on Friday night. We'll talk about that later, if someone could make a note. On it. Ah yes, Isabelle. At this juncture Mark explains ME. Which is the minuting equivalent of looking at the back of your own head, and so I just write down the word "HERO". And flip to the end of my book to make a note of the mysterious seven o'clock obligation, which we will return to. And the "satellite room" that the huggers started their challenge in, something else that Mark promises he will come back to, and explain.

9 £805, as of March 4th. Including £5 from a Jeremy DEagle, saying:

Well done! Now where are the pics? The PROPER pics? ;)

10 Andrew O'Brien and Jeanette Xiang Xiang Xu; Rose Manley and Emily Jane Brown; Bryan and Lorna Tulett. Thanks Google! ( I don’t just KNOW this stuff. Who do you think I am, ?)

11 The 'longest marathon hug' rules, according to the Guinness people: participants are allowed five minutes break for each complete hour of the attempt, which can be saved up for a longer rest if they wish participants can be fed and given water participants can shift position but are not allowed to change their arm positions.

23 Hour #1, 11pm-12am

@kateweb #25HourShow is underway! Two guys in the balcony are trying to break the world record for hugging; have been at it for 13 hours so far...

23.26 Sanderson clarifies a marathon hug point for us: "you've got to stay in the position you start with". This, says Mikey, is the "classic high-low". Ah yes, we all muse. Thought so. Mark encourages them to talk about such things in as laboriously lengthy fashion as possible, so as to take up that bit more time. Sanderson brings up the "penitent monk grip". Mark pulls a knowledgeable face. "The PMG we call it in the hugging game."12

@25HourChihuahua @watsoncomedian I think I've made a terrible mistake. #25hours

23.28 The huggers explain that they are allowed a five minute break every hour. And are saving theirs up. They may come dance for us, when this point of freedom arrives. Mark welcomes that. "You'll sleep well tonight," he promises them, "except it's not tonight". It's tomorrow. Everything is at least tomorrow now.

23.29 "I haven't even told you about Emma yet," worries Mark, "oh dear". Emma Kennedy continues to sit patient on the side of the stage, as Mark finishes up with Sanderson. "Obviously they have to be fed as well." So there are "feeders" up there (which sounds creepy, but that's because of the internet, rather than connotations with e.g. hummingbirds). They will finish at 11ish, Sanderson reckons. We will celebrate it, promises Mark. "We can't take a lot of credit for this." But we can make them feel like they’ve done something amazing when it’s all over.

@adamhess1 I'm looking into the audience trying to work out who is currently doing a weird challenge and who is just a straight-up nutter #25hours

23.31 There is another time-specific challenge which Mark wants to tell us about: dating blogger Claire Travers-Smith is here, and she - a squeal of recognition from a reader and enthusiast down the front - she is going to be going on a date every hour. For 25 hours. Her first is called Matt - well done Mark, so sure someone was called Matt - and "he's sat on his own in the bar".

12 Very few PostMaster Generals, in the Hugging Game. It'd get too confusing.

24 Hour #1, 11pm-12am

@CorryShawComedy Can someone make sure he's sipping on water lots please. I'll be there to take over nagging soon @watsoncomedian #25hours

23.33 "If it's not too mean to people," reckons Mark, "we'll do some sort of leader board." Claire seems more keen on getting back to her abandoned man. "He's playing Connect 4 on his own," she explains. "It is, if anything, a two-player game," notes Mark, sagely.

23.35 Keen to centre on the time-sensitive Challenges, Mark next introduces us to Tiernan Douieb. Who will be learning to play the piano over the course of the show, and being hit in the face with a progressively bigger pie every hour. Both of which are his idea, though it was Mark who suggested he combine the two, "and I didn't really phrase it like a question". Tiernan is dressed in a blue wolf onesie, as he raised over £1,000 in advance sponsorship, and that was the promise. He is very comfortable. He is not the only one so dressed. But he wasn't attired in this fashion in 2009. Where, as Mark says, "he spent a good bit of the show in a cage being a sort of pet. And I would remind you again that show wasn't sponsored." Tiernan is quite pleased it wasn't filmed, either.

25 Hour #1, 11pm-12am

23.37 Sitting on the right of the stage is Adam Hess, a prolific and wonderful Twitterer13, who will be live- tweeting the gig. And in the process, Mark is sure, testing the patience of his 16,000+ followers, and losing lots of them. "Adam's presence on Twitter will be RUINED by this," insists Mark, as Robert sneaks past us to go record the first of his 25 songs14.

23.38 Tiernan explains his Challenge in a little more detail. He cannot play the piano. He would like to, He has a book - 'Learn to Play Piano in 24 Hours' - with a free DVD that does not work so I am free to imagine it contains Kiefer Sutherland getting progressively crosser without anyone being able to prove me wrong in the foreseeable future (and this room is the only future we any of us can see).

13 By way of recent example…

The number of times I've sent people the text 'I have your umbrella' you'd think I was the world's worst kidnapper. If you shout the word 'Macaw' you sound like a big, posh, stupid chicken. Any time anybody says my name I shout "Bank!" I swallowed a button when I was younger and cried because my uncle told me a coat will grow inside my stomach. I keep saying the phrase 'the G-word' in front of my nephew so he thinks there's a swear word starting with G. I hope he thinks it's 'Gork'. The 'Four Candles' sketch was originally called the 'Two Candles' sketch and was about a man who wanted to buy some dolls of toucans. Are pinecones rubbish flowers or amazing sticks? Was eye-flirting with girl on tube. Leaning in a sexy casual way. Zip up my hoody when approaching my stop. Accidentally zip myself to pole. Next fancy dress party I'm going as Calvin from Calvin & Hobbes and when I'm asked 'What have you come as?' I'll say 'We're Calvin & Hobbes' Egg mayonnaise is basically 'egged egg'.

14 Themed to 1988, and inspired by Red Nose Day #1, it can be heard (and downloaded) here: http://onceinamoon.com/album/25-years-in-25-songs-in-25-hours

I remember the day / And knowing it's coming I couldn't wait The first red nose day / I asked my mum if I could stay up late

A day at school without a uniform / A plastic nose to keep my real nose warm Aching to get away back to my home / Then I crash upon the sofa and I turn the TV on

and then they say

You know you can't phone now / I know you want to give and I know it's hard You know you can't phone now / You need to be eighteen with a credit card

Alas you can't phone now / Though Lenny Henry's telling you to give it all You know you can't phone now / Just wait a decade then you can make that call

26 Hour #1, 11pm-12am

Lessons will happen. The keyboard at the back of the stage will be dominated. Mark is doubtful. There are only two people in the WORLD who can play the piano; Minchin and "another man". Plus there is the pie-hindrance element to the Challenge. Tiernan: "There will be a point where I never want to see custard or pianos again," muses Tiernan. "About Hour Three," reckons Mark.

23.39 Mark reckons we should pie Tiernan every hour, on the hour. "YEAH!" insist we all, leading to immediate worries from Watson over how feral we already are. Some sympathy is garnered for Tiernan, as his forthcoming custardy indignity is detailed for us. "You say 'aaah', but it's for CHARITY," harrumphs Mark. He has already raised £1240 with this plan15, Tiernan says. "Can't work out if it's charity or maliciousness."

23.40 Tiernan is not going to be amplified as he practices. "Full keys," clarifies Mark, "but with headphones. Otherwise it'd be quite trying."

23.41 Tiernan has a keyboard ready set up on the side of the stage. He reckons "the first five minutes will just be trying to find the C". "We've all been there," sympathises Mark, happily homophonically misconstruing the wolf-clad one's words, before rhapsodising over the seaside. A real joke! We should treasure that! Considering they're not the central feature of this gig. And bearing in mind, too, that these days so much of comedy is built on misogyny. "Isn't that right ladies, with your SHOES!?" Mark rails. (I've taken mine off. Not sure if this sort of 'comedy' is really for me.)

23.42 Mark reminds us just how custardy Tiernan will be, when we mark the first hour. "Tiernan is about to become the Lady Macbeth of comestibles." Tiernan seems quite happy with that, even if it means he is doomed to never feel clean. Mark says he can have it for his Edinburgh poster, and happily chucks in four stars, too.

23.43 Robert comes back. Mark bewails the lack of immediate cream on a plate before him. "Why is my pie admin so slow?" A volunteer is chosen to be the first pie-er, the front row Time Out blogger Danielle Goldstein judged to be someone who doesn't seem too evil. "Danielle to make the first pie!" declares Mark, as paper plates and a can of whipped cream are handed over. "For now just make one, and prepare to shove it in the face of someone who doesn't really need it."

@adamhillscomedy Only in a @watsoncomedian 25 hour show would you hear the phrase "Why is my pie admin so slow?" #25hours

15 Among many other non-goat things, the money will go towards community initiatives in the UK and Africa, funding: programmes in Africa which help slum dwellers to get the legal right to occupy land, better access to basic services, better living conditions and the chance to improve their economic prospects projects in Africa for those who have been severely affected by conflict, to strengthen protection, support, reintegration and reconciliation projects in the UK which help to build stronger communities, making sure people of all ages feel more included, are supported, and have providing better access to services

27 Hour #1, 11pm-12am

23.44 Mark talks to another latecomer. Who explains self as both a VIP, man called Ray, and the person Mark met on a train. As distractible as a baby near jingling keys, Mark's eye is immediately caught by someone's choice of liquid accessory. "That lady's large glass of wine by the way is a VERY poor idea."16 And back to Ray… He is described to us as the man who won the eBay auction for the last tickets to this show, with 25 minutes of 'fame' within the gig17. Ray insists on correcting this semantic error: he didn't 'win', he 'paid'. The metaphorical keys jingle near Mark again, and his attention is snagged by Aisling slipping over near the Storybox. "Someone's fallen over, doesn't augur well."

Two tickets for Mark Watson's 25hr show + 25MINUTES OF FAME IN THE 25HOUR SHOW

Hello there,

Mark Watson here!

All the tickets for my 25-hour show are officially sold out but I have held back a few pairs of tickets with some money can't buy extras - I'll start the bidding at face value (£25 per ticket) but as this event is all about raising money for Comic Relief please dig deep (100% of the money will of course go to Comic Relief)

The winning bidder will not only get a pair of tickets to the show, but also... 25 MINUTES OF FAME IN THE 25 HOUR SHOW! I will dedicate 25 minutes of the show to you. You can choose what topics you want me to talk about. A song will be written in your honour. Your name will be splashed all over the live feed and Twitter stream. You might get on the radio. You will be famous for 25 minutes of the 25-hour show and then you can come up on stage to celebrate at the end. Queue Jump - you can come and go as much as you desire during the 25 hour event. (Standard ticket holders will only be able to leave the venue for a maximum of 1 hour otherwise they will forfeit their place to those queuing for on the day tickets)

16 Booze doesn’t help you stay awake for 25 hours straight. It merely helps distract you from the ridiculousness of doing so.

17 He paid £160 for the privilege. And while five such pairs of tickers were auctioned off, he is the only eBay bidder who makes self known, during the show. Suggesting that the kind of person who will bid on tickets plus chance for fame is a more outgoing personality than one who prefers to score a "daily reassuring tweet from Mark" (£180)*. Or possibly that the other bidders haven't bothered to turn up, only being interested in the chance to be in a TV audience or drunk in the Green Room (£142), to get a shout-out in his next novel (£128.33), or to have Mark give a comedy workshop (£235). Or maybe that Ray is unusually noisy, for an audience member.

* "I will tweet you something nice every day throughout April, either reassuring you on a specific matter of your choosing, or just offering you general positivity."

28 Hour #1, 11pm-12am

23.47 Mark can't see Giles Wakely, his tour manager and a man who seems "deceptively old". Worryingly out of sight, at the moment. "Essentially my Mission Control." The other vital feature of his support network is Corry Shaw, who is not yet here, owing to [comedy website] Chortle making her work the evening out of town. Corry is explained as one who persuaded the venue in 2004 into letting the first Long Show happen, and who has talked Mark into sticking with comedy when he wavers from the path. She also used to go out with Hess, he announces, then checks that with Adam. "That was slightly indiscreet, but there's FAR worse than this to come."

@25HourChihuahua A Chihuahua just got mugged. @watsoncomedian #25hours

23.49 Corry is on her way here from Coventry RIGHT NOW, we're told. Mark would like to give her a big welcome, which she'll hate, but is deserving of.

23.50 Tiernan looks up from the keyboard, beaming with pride. "Found Middle C!" Meanwhile Kate has news from Twitter: "Corry says you need to keep drinking!" A bottle of water is duly lobbed at the stage, and lands with quite a thwack. "That was terrorism!" wails Mark. Particularly as his cricket instincts kicked in and "I nearly did dive for that". Not Corry's intention, for her mama-hen tweeting.

@Andy_McClelland Having set aside #25hours I'm suddenly struck by the thought that I might drink wine for the entire time. Viva Watsonia!

23.52 Mark introduces Pierre Novellie, a South African born comic who is drawing for 25 hours. Mark then explains the word 'drawing'. (We aren't even an hour in, and Mark is explaining the word 'drawing' while struggling with a bottlecap. Um.) "Who'd like a drawing of anything?" asks Mark.

29 Hour #1, 11pm-12am

"My drawing's are quite sketchy," Pierre tells us, trying to damp down expectations. "Can you draw the Tyranny of Time?" asks Barney, entirely in keeping with the spirit of proceedings. "Can he draw?" calls Ray, entirely in keeping with the spirit of a gig where the beer is served in 4 pint jugs and 90% of the men are called either Dave or Terry. Barney's suggestion is taken up. "Tyranny of Time is quite an easy starter," muses Mark; "basically like drawing a dog".

@adamhillscomedy Said to the artist in residence "Can you draw the tyranny of time?" #onlyatawatsonlongshow #25hours

23.55 TV’s Emma Kennedy is still sitting patient on the side of the stage. Almost an hour in, Mark introduces her, and her Challenge. “She’s camping for the whole thing, but here, on the stage.” Following her memoir ‘The Tent, the Bucket and Me’, as Mark explains, “Emma’s the face of shit camping experiences”. So this seemed like a natural fit. To have a woman trapped on the Pleasance stage, unable to leave even to go to the toilet. “I’ve had the shits all day,” she says, holding up a tiny pink bucket of jeopardy. That’s not the only thing she has with her. She also has post. Addressed to “Emma Kennedy, onstage, in a tent” – which has got through despite the tent not yet being up – and containing what is persistently referred to as “a vajazzled SheWee”18. Two words which, Mark notes, he never anticipated saying in his life, either collectively or individually.

Oxford Dictionaries website definition of vajazzle verb, informal adorn the pubic area (of a woman) with crystals, glitter, or other decoration: when the series debuted, it kicked off a certain amount of fascination with the glamorous world of fake tans and vajazzling Origin: early 21st century: probably from vagina or vajayjay and bedazzle http://oxforddictionaries.com/definition/english/vajazzle

23.56 Emma suggests auctioning off the vajazzled SheWee. A man yells an opening offer of £5, not waiting for bidding to officially open or for clarity on whether the item will be used during the show.

23.57 Though happy – well, ‘prepared to’ – do a wee onstage, using one of the boxed SheWees, Emma is INSISTENT “I’m not doing a shit for less than ten grand”.

18 Despite the portable peeing device not being quim shaped, but simply a funnel used near one. World! ‘Vajazzling’ is NOT becoming a synonym for ‘gaudy with gewgaws’!

30 Hour #1, 11pm-12am

@adamhess1 Emma kenedy has just shown everyone her camping 'poop bucket' and promises to use it if she raises £10,000. Sponser! #25hours

23.58 Emma looks through her post. “It comes with four pairs of pants!” she announces. “That’s the minimum we’re all going to need,” Mark tells her, as a bigger bucket arrives for her to use.

23.59 Emma gives away one of the spare SheWees to a happy recipient who shares her name, as the first pie is hurriedly constructed for Tiernan.

@CorryShawComedy Sad I'm missing the first hour marker. Have a bloody hug from me you lot @watsoncomedian @rednoseday #25Hours

31 Hour #1, 11pm-12am

Countdown Challenge, 11-12pm

Round Time Selection Mark Deeks Score Innis Carson Best Max 1 11.04 pm NEGELETZE GENTEEL 7 – 7 GENTEEL GENTEEL 7 2 11.06 pm YXWTOIITR WITTY 12 – 12 WITTY TORII WITTY 12 3 11.09 pm RIMIMIMFI FIRM 16 – 16 FIRM FIRM 16 4 11.14 pm NNTTOOORU TROUT 21 – 21 TROUT UNROOT 22 25 5 5 4 1 9 257 5 11.16 pm 257 31 – 31 257 32 → 257 9*(25+4)-(5-1) 6 11.18 pm RRTTOOOJD ROTOR 36 – 36 ROTOR ROTOR 37 7 11.21 pm REPARESRT REPEATS 43 – 43 REPEATS PARTERRES 55 MARMITE METAMER 8 11.23 pm TMMRAEEIF MEATIER 50 – 50 AMMETER EMIRATE 62 MEATIER AMMETER 9 11.25 pm RERINANNN INANE 55 – 55 INNER RENNIN 68 50 25 4 7 1 8 159 10 11.27 pm 159 65 – 65 159 78 → 159 7*(8+4)+50+25 TRIBADES 11 11.29 pm SETARADIB RADIATES 73 – 73 TRIBADES 86 RADIATES NARRATE 12 11.31 pm TTRREAANM NARRATE 80 – 80 NARRATE 93 TARTARE 13 11.33 pm SAWIVEVTL WAVIEST 87 – 87 WAVIEST WAVIEST 100 ZEALOT LOATHE GELATO 14 11.35 pm HGGTOAEZL ZEALOT 93 – 93 HAGGLE HAGGLE 106 LEGATO TOGGLE HOGGET 637 75 1 1 3 6 9 15 11.38 pm 637 103 – 103 637 116 → 637 (9-1)*(75+6-1) -3 OCEANS 16 11.40 pm CCCSEOANF CANOES 109 – 109 CANOES SCONCE 122 CANOES 17 11.42 pm SOSESILDI SOLIDS 109 – 117 IDOLISES IDOLISES 130 SAPPED PAPADS 18 11.44 pm BJDSAAEPP SAPPED 115 – 123 SAPPED 136 ABASED ESPADA enematas MANATEES 19 11.46 pm QANESETMA 115 – 131 MANATEES 144 (X) EMANATES 50 75 5 5 8 3 618 20 11.49 pm 618 125 – 141 618 154 → 618 5*(75+50-3)+8 21 11.50 pm KULODIBFH BUILD 130 – 146 BUILD BIFOLD 160 DEIGNED DEEDING 22 11.52 pm DGDGIEENL GELDING 137 – 153 GELDING DELEING 167 NIGGLED GELDING 23 11.55 pm PEWIXEYTG PEEWIT 143 – 153 WEEPY PEEWIT 173 24 11.58 pm ZDWTOEANT NOTATED 150 – 160 NOTATED NOTATED 180

32 Hour #1, 11pm-12am Claire Travers-Smith: 25 Dates in 25 Hrs

A month or so ago I agreed (rather foolishly it seemed at the time) to go on a mammoth 25 dates as part of comedian Mark Watson's epic 25 hour fund-raising extravaganza for Red Nose Day. I just couldn't say no. Not only is Comic Relief an organisation so close to my heart, but the challenge of trying to rustle up 25 eligible bachelors and talk to them over the course of a whole day and then some appealed to my inner sadist. I'd been date-free since going on my 52nd first date in August last year, and it was about time I did something silly in the name of love. And with charity as my excuse, who could possibly say no?

I very soon learned that trying to rope in and organise 25 bachelors over such a bizarre time scale including the wee anti-social hours of Friday morning was not as easy as I thought. I think in total, I must've had around 35 contenders initially interested, but as the big day loomed, the boys started to fall by the wayside. On Thursday morning, I had 18 lined up, and the rest we'd fill with randoms harvested from amongst the hostage crowd on the night. And I won't lie, I was bricking it. It wasn't so much the pre-date nerves that got to me, it was the prospect of staying awake for such an obscene amount of time and trying to maintain an iota of dignity and sanity throughout that worried me. And rightly so...

At 10pm on Thursday 28th February, I turned up at The Pleasance Theatre in Islington with an arsenal of goodies to help my dates and I get through this behemoth megadate, including board games, bananas and some rather suspicious looking breakfast bars, and a belly full of butterflies. Already at the venue were many of the challengers all ready and raring to go, including some endurance huggers, Countdown challengers, artists, film crews, and the main man himself, Mark. The original plan was for me to pop in and update Mark after each date as it went along. Simple eh? You'd think...!

At 11pm, Tim Key heralded the start of Mark's marathon mirthfest, and we were off! My first date waited patiently in the bar for me to pop into the gig and explain my challenge, before I was able to get stuck in with the dates, so to speak. What both astonished and delighted me was when I was introduced as this mad singleton who'd written this silly blog, one of the ladies in the front row said she'd actually read it! I was a little bit stunned! It was only then that I realised people do actual read this shit, and I was delighted! Suddenly the last 18 months of my blogging life felt vindicated and it was the perfect start to one of the biggest challenges of my life. But enough about me, let's meet the dates...

I will at this point add a small note slash apology to each of my dates regarding the content of these nano- write ups. Although I did my best to try and make notes as I went along to try and do these gentlemen justice, I can only apologise if some of what I remember is a little muddled or, well, totally made up. It's not intentional, I promise...

33 Hour #1, 11pm-12am CLAIRE'S DATE # 1 - MATT (11pm)

Matt was roped into being one of my dates through one of his friends on Twitter, who it turned out was one of the actual gig audience members. He arrived bang on time, only for me to say a quick hi and had to dash off into the gig and leave him on his own for what turned out to be nearly half an hour, the poor bugger. When I finally returned, however, he'd not been bored, but had befriended some of the locals who'd been teaching how to do the crab...

Matt had actually been out at a friend's party before coming along, and bless him had stayed sober especially which earned him major brownie points, but I couldn't help thinking he might have been a bit disappointed by what he encountered once he got here. Still, it seemed he had fun before I arrived, and for the half hour we did spend together, however, we had a lovely time. He's sweet, chatty, lively, and has the weirdest fucked up thumb I've ever seen. I'm cross I didn't take a photo of it now, it was properly mutant.

He showed me some magic tricks using a pack of cards, although the street edge was slightly taken off by the fact that the only cards I had to hand was a pack of baby animal Top Trumps. All in all, a charming chap, and the nicest possible start to the Megadate.

34 Hour #2, 12-1am Hour #2, 12-1am

00.00 Tiernan Douieb receives the first of MANY pies, right in the face. The floor is spattered and goopy, just as is his beard. “In a moment we’re going to build a safe Pie Arena,” declares Mark, mindful of the mess. More so, a few minutes later, as a member of staff appears to wipe it up. We are led in a round of applause for the Pleasance. “If you’re them, realistically, you don’t want this.”

@RufusHound So @TiernanDouieb has just been pied. Good. #25hours

35 Hour #2, 12-1am

00.01 “Twenty four hours is nothing!” declares Mark, buoyed by our having knocked off 60 minutes already. “I don’t know why everybody looks so ASHEN.”

00.02 Emma starts building her tent, with Adam’s help. Mark has us applaud her, and Tiernan, struggling to get clean19. “It stings the eyes,” he bewails. Mark suggests the viewers text in and donate, by way of rewarding his pain.

19 Later – i.e. in about 18 hours time – Luke confides he had thought Tiernan would not be removing the cream between rounds, and would just get stickier and crustier. I think this way is better. He’s still suffering, but is unlikely to get trapped in a cocoon of goop. And suffocate, like Ancient Greek philosopher Heraclitus reportedly* did, when he sought to cure his dropsy by surrounding self in manure and baking out the illness. Guys! We were ALL thinking it!!!

* So many Ancient Greek thinkers died in laughable circumstances that a friend of mine wrote his thesis on it, postulating that to spread such news is an excellent way of those who disliked them to belittle the men. Chrysippus MIGHT have helped create propositional logic, but he died laughing at a drunk donkey! Anaxarchus MIGHT have laid the groundwork for the Greek sceptics, but he was crushed to death by a giant mortar and pestle! As was another man! Double durr-brain! Aeschylus MIGHT have been a great tragedian, but he was bald, and it killed him! An eagle dropped a turtle on his head from such great heights, thinking him a rock version of a can-opener!

36 Hour #2, 12-1am

00.03 Yianni Agisilaou is introduced, “the OTHER man with a sketchpad” as Mark says. Yianni likes maths. He will be doing maths every hour. The idea is that the sums get progressively more complicated, as he gets further and further away from sleep. “It will be quite a joyless challenge,” we’re told. “Maths needs doing,” notes Mark, “and he’s going to do it.”

00.05 Suggestions for Yianni’s mathematical calculation are sought. 25 x the number of people in here? He’s happy with that. So off he goes.

@TiernanDouieb Pie everywhere. It really stings the eyes. make your own gags people. This will be a very long #25hours.

00.06 News! "The tent is up! Imagine spending LITERALLY a day in that," Mark urges. "You wouldn't! Would you? You would! She would! She is! Sponsor it! Thaa-anks!"

More news! Giles has heard nothing from Norwich! We should get in touch with marathon bather Zoë to make sure she’s still doing it; life.

@kateweb The tent is up and we're hoping the lady taking a 25 hour bath in Norwich is "still doing life". #25Hours

00.07 Mark reminds us the huggers are still at it. And how high the stakes are for them. “There’s always the tricky business of the Poles...”

37 Hour #2, 12-1am

@adamhess1 I just handed Emma kenedy some scissors the way you're taught to hand someone scissors as a child. Hope everyone noticed. #25hours

00.08 During the show, Jack Kenny - "two first names, bit greedy" - is giving a piggyback to a girl called Holly. His fiancée, Mark clarifies, noting that this is one of those situations that "is potentially a dealbreaker". The pair onstage, Holly giving the double thumbs up on Jack's shoulders, Mark interviews them about how it’s going. “How are you at the moment?” “Pretty painful,” says Jack. This is a Challenge born of weightloss, Jack so proud of self for dropping so many stone – just by eating properly, he says, a tip for us all there – that this is the way he sought to celebrate it, while helping Comic Relief. “Historically he has already given a piggyback to a Holly’s worth of weight,” explains Mark. Before asking what some/all of us are thinking: how will they manage to go to the toilet? “I’ll be alright,” grins Jack. Yerrrs. “Good – fine,” says Mark, drawing a discreet veil over an area he had just shone a spotlight on; “well keep us updated”. In general, not just on whether Holly need a go on a SheWee, and length of hosepipe. Thankye!

38 Hour #2, 12-1am

00.10 As Jack and Holly leave the stage, Mark gazes worriedly after them. “I think that probably is the most difficult one.”20 Although... In another room in this building, a Twenty-five Hour ‘Countdown’ Challenge is happening, whereby two former contestants are playing the word and number puzzle games from the TV series21.

20 Yes. While I am being sponsored to do something I have done at previous Long Shows – just as Mark is, but with that little bit less responsibility – and yet expecting to winkle money out of friends and family for it.

Yes, of my going to a comedy show, writing it all down and taking 9 million pictures. I MIGHT EVEN DYE MY HAIR RED, JUST FOR THE GIG.

... as I did write in my initial money-fishing email to them. Self-deprecation makes it that much easier to ask folk for money to help combat poverty and injustice, all over the world; giving people an out, be it from a shitty homelife, depression, addiction or just their lack of prospects anywhere else. For them to help create a rope ladder up out of a slough of despond. And be part of something incredible; this raises so damn much for people who have so damn little (£102 million in 2011! this country is AMAZING!). ‘Bernard & The Genie’ aside - I LOVE that tvm - Comic Relief is the best thing Richard Curtis has ever done.

21 Which began in 1982, based on the French show ‘Des Chiffres et Des Lettres’ (‘The Numbers and the Letters’), which was letters only when it started in 1965; numbers were introduced to France in 1972, which really helped with the economy, architecture, etc. Theme music aside, the key differences between the two shows are: UK rounds last only 30 seconds instead of 45 there are only three numbers rounds in the UK only one contestant chooses the letters in each round in the UK France have “duels” – mental arithmetic, spelling, word hunts, etc. – where the UK has the "Countdown Conundrum", a nine-letter anagram France is whizzy, uses computers and fancy graphics, and its contestants use touchscreens rather than pen and paper France’s winners get something more expensive than a novelty teapot

39 Hour #2, 12-1am

00.11 Mark commentates on the tent activity. “Emma’s erecting a campbed!” There is a yelp, and a small kerfuffle. “Emma’s broken a campbed!” Well done there. “CAMPING!”

00.12 A man offers up Countdown news, from his phone. “Mark! They’ve amassed 300 points in the first hour!” Woo! Probably! For as Mark does note, none of us know if that’s good! That they have about £2,000 in sponsorship is DEFINITELY good, though. “Also we might get Vorderman here,” announces Mark. And if anyone wants to watch it live, as well as us, they can do so; the Challenge is being streamed online “for the Countdown community”22.

00.13 There are multiple people here in onesies, all in one romper-suits that make the wearer look like an animal (leopard, wolf, Care Bear; all the big guys). They are supposed to be an extremely comfortable item of clothing. This gig will test that, reckons Mark. And fishes for a Happiness Rating from them. 9½. Out of ten, yes. Pretty good.

@jlukeroberts I am through the denial stage. #trialseparation #25Hours

22 I hope fans of the American sitcom 'Community' are also referred to by that catch-all word, making them part of the 'Community' community. A lot of pleasure can be derived from word repetition of that ilk. Hence Magnus Magnusson.

40 Hour #2, 12-1am

00.14 At Mark’s invitation, four people head for the stage holding a large box of Lego. A toy Mark dislikes, with increasing intensity now his son is three and more inclined to play with it. "It's TERRIBLE. Things where you build things are NOT FUN. Nonetheless! People like it. But even people who like Lego wouldn't probably take this on." The picture on the Lego Tecnic box is of a racecar. A massive racecar. It is a suitably massive box. "This is going to be AWFUL," Mark warns. This is their Challenge; to build the vehicle that has gone unbuilt for fifteen years. Mark waves the box at us. Bits fall out of the box. This is very much not helping the quest. “SHIT AT LEGO!” he confirms, as people scrabble to rescue the fallen blocks23.

00.15 Jan says the Lego car is “11+”. Age, not hours. And that it has long been a metaphorical albatross around the family’s neck. Introduced to us here – though Mark is not sure he will remember their names – as Katie – easy – Casey – ooh, that rhymes - and Travis – oh you’ve RUINED it. Mark needs a handy way of referring to all three at the same time24. “I suppose the average is something like ‘Adrian’.” Alternatively, Zoë Fell suggests ‘Tracey’. Muuuuch better.

23 It’s a big week for Lego pieces making a bid for freedom / jumping to their death. On Sunday 3rd, traffic in West Virginia was held up for hours when a container – of between 2,000-5,000 Lego bricks – fell off a car roof and scattered across a highway. Eric McClain, a firefighter with the Anmoore fire department, told the department usually responds to medical calls and car wrecks on the interstate, and he said he had never responded to an incident like this before. He negated to add the word “obviously”. Obviously.

24 Without just waving in their direction, and yelling “LEGO”.

41 Hour #2, 12-1am

@adamhillscomedy "If I need three names averaged quite quickly I'll be sure to ask you" #onlyatawatsonlongshow #25hours

00.18 Another Challenger is Rob Palk, here introduced to us as Mark’s official lookalike. Which is worry- easing, as I had seen him in the bar earlier and thought he was Mark. Several times. Good to know that: a) I’m not the only one, b) Rob is the lookalike, rather than an additional face of doppelgang confusion25. "Even without the glasses it's quite clear that we look APPALLINGLY alike."

Mark finds the similarity disconcerting, Rob being one of many gig attendees whose arrival has been preceded with a note of 'my mate really looks like you' but one of very few who genuinely does, rather than just being a bespectacled dark-haired man with a face. Making him "haunting" to Mark, the embodiment of the quantum physics idea that every particle is replicated in another universe, and really quite handy to have around. The idea for Rob's Challenge is that he will live as Mark for the day, with tasks outsourced to him that Mark does not have time for, as he is busy here. "Paperwork, bringing up my kid, and so on." So, for example: “when it’s daylight I will send Rob to my opticians to get a pair of glasses to my prescription”.

@adamhess1 Mark Watson's doppelganger has just walked on stage. The women in the audience are losing their shit. #25hours

25 In its original German sense, a 'Doppelgänger' - or 'double-goer' - is not merely a lookalike but a wraith- like clone of you, not a ghost so much as photocopy onto transparency of the living person. Amazing that this happened so often in that they needed to coin a word for it. (See also 'Drachenfutter', or 'dragon food', a gift a husband makes to appease his furious wife. And 'Kummerspeck', or 'grief bacon', the excess weight gained by grief eating, e.g. after your wife has left you, having determined it WAS you she saw with her best friend, and not a Doppelgänger.)

42 Hour #2, 12-1am

by Pei Yen (oxymoronish.tumblr.com)

43 Hour #2, 12-1am

00.20 "I haven't quite worked it out with the wife," muses Mark, trailing off. "She's in Salisbury…do-able." Emily DOES know about it, he assures us. Not all of Mark's friends know.

00.21 Rob will also come in handy on Friday evening. "I have to do a thing," explains Mark, before correcting self. "I don't 'have to'; I've agreed to do a thing." Great Ormond Street Hospital have invited him to give a speech at a fundraiser they are hosting. "I can't do it, clearly." He feels his options are as follows: Plan A: record a message and courier it over there Plan B: just send Rob

00.22 Mark confesses this is all part of a grander plan he's been working on, whereby Rob can just take over his life. For the "last 12 hours" of the show, he promises, "it'll just be Rob; I'll be in Mexico!"

00.23 Rob and he are not wholly identical. Mark's shoes won't fit him, for example. Rob is taller, too, something which should be remedied. Be easier to increase Mark's height than the other way round; Mel amenably contemplates her wedged brothel creepers, which would give him an extra inch or so, but he's a size 11 and she's not. So.

@Andy_McClelland The Australian contingent has its first volunteer helper. We are ready if called on and like in 2006, furious if ignored. #25hours

00.25 Other suggestions for Rob The Lookalike are garnered. Beyond 'crime'. Thusly: James Dowdeswell suggests he go to Mark's local chipper/café/pub and asks for "my usual", something which founders as Mark doesn't really have [or wish to mention] a local Rufus Hound suggests he memorise Mark's Wikipedia page; this is agreed on, with Giles set to brief Rob about Mark's life in what the man dubs "Watson Information Gathering", or "WIG" Another man suggests Rob try to get a load of stuff for free, an idea which is batted self- effacingly away by Mark as you need to be a celebrity for that to work

"Basically we're going to psychologically Mark you up," declares Rob's face-sake, becoming briefly distracted by front-row knitter Misha, and introducing both her and her Challenge to the room.

44 Hour #2, 12-1am

00.26 Barney asks about the House Band, having prepared a song for Corry's return. Who is now a mere seven or eight minutes away. There are folk here with musical instruments, yes. (But no Amy on violin or Martin on accordion. Dagnabbit…)

00.27 "I've broken my left arm three times," Mark tells Rob, "each time playing football". Rob takes this in, with great concentration, as on my left Hills moves quietly down the stairs to stand in the shadows, in case he's needed +/ to signal his availability. Seemingly sensing this - or just, coincidentally, thinking of the man - Mark asks "where is Adam?" And his mate, who has been watching from the balcony for the last ninety minutes, is able to announce self present. Suggest Rob memorise a bit of Mark's material. And neatly make self pillar-of-support useful.

45 Hour #2, 12-1am

00.28 "You've got to be method about this," reckons Adam. "You've got to be Daniel Day-Lewis about the whole thing." Mark agrees; the latter lived as Lincoln for a YEAR26. With that in mind, immersing self in Mark's stand-up clips is a great idea. "How's your Welsh accent?" asks Mark. "About as good as yours," joshes Adam. Heh. Something Mark takes on the chin; the lilting Welsh brogue, so strong at the start of his career, is now lost. "I had to stop as Gilbert WAS Welsh," Mark explains27, before advising Rob to avoid that period in his online clip trawling; the material wasn't as strong as his USP at that time.

@25HourChihuahua What an ending! By which I mean, it's ended. Going to make the most of these credits. @watsoncomedian #25hours

00.30 Mark salutes Adam, who has been so very supportive of the Long Shows, making it down to almost all of them. Hills in turn reminisces about first hearing of the idea, "on a bus back from a gig in Loughborough - when we were clearly at the height of our careers". A comedian called Mark Walker had screwed them over for a lift, grumbles Watson, before telling us of how, seeking to impress the Aussie who he was "slightly in awe of", he told him what he was planning. "I'm still not sure what was going through my mind at the time," muses Adam; "if I thought 'this is a brilliant idea, I want to be a part of it' or 'this guy's crazy it will never happen, just say 'yes' and he might stop talking'." Mark grins at this. "As someone wrote, 'you know what charm is: the ability to get the answer 'yes' without having asked the question'. I say 'someone'; clearly Camus28. But another way to make them say 'yes' is to say total bullshit…"

26 Something confirmed in an interview Day-Lewis gave with The Sun*, which revealed "he stayed in character throughout the shooting — even sending TEXTS as the US’s Civil War president". Presumably to people who didn't mind being confused with Ulysses S. Grant, or who knew a lot about the taking of Richmond (fig, lit).

* An article also notable for space-filling by asking people who live in Lincoln, Lincolnshire, what they think of the movie which shares their city's name. Said local councillor Donald Nannestad, 55:

“There isn’t really any historical link between Abraham Lincoln and Lincoln, . Most of the towns in America called Lincoln are named after the President – although Lincoln, Nebraska, is named after the city of Lincoln.”

27 The accent leant a welcome softness to lines like "if you've got a promising football career don't fuck it up with rrrape", but it was something he donned for the stage, like another would wear wig or pair of spectacles. Gilbert, his old Stereocomics partner*, is from Carmarthen. Mark is not even from Llanbobl. He's Bristolian!

* Rhod and he did an Edinburgh show together in 2004. It was great. I got told off for sniffing marker pens. (Please note, getting told off for sniffing marker pens is not the thing I prize most highly in a comedy show.) Both men have gone on to better named - Stereocomics! - and better paid things, since. At the end of March, for example, 'Postie Kev' wrote in to Rhod's BBC Wales radio show to say hello and ask "could you please tell Aaron I've just seen a horse". Big time, guys. Big time.

28 From his 1956 novel 'The Fall'.

"Le charme : une manière de s'entendre répondre "oui" sans avoir posé aucune question claire."

46 Hour #2, 12-1am

00.32 As the show has progressed, Hills has been tweeting choice quotes, with the hashtag #onlyatawatsonlongshow. These are ReTweeted for us, in real life, by Adam reading them off his phone. Thus does he quote @adamhillscomedy quoting Mark Watson to say "'if I need three names averaged quite quickly I'll be sure to ask you' #onlyatawatsonlongshow"29. Adam is very proud of himself. "This is going to be a massive hashtag," he reckons. "Gaga will be jumping all over this."

00.33 "I'm trying to rework 'Copacabana’ for Corry," announces Barney, keen to get this off the ground before she arrives. Mark seems chuffed with this; he was hoping SOMEONE would have rewritten the 70s classic. "Manilow's not here, is he?" checks Mark. Nope. Worth being sure. There are a lot of people in here. (165, by Yianni's count.) But Manilow is someone with a CAREER, we're told. "Something which I've selflessly given up for charity."

00.35 There is a woman here, with a toy bear. Kirsty? Nicki. "Something like Kirsty," Mark acknowledges. It is called Spare Bear, and it/Nicki wants a photo of Bear with Hills. This is in some way connected to her Challenge, which is not really explained to us, and thus am left to presume it's something like the gnome's international postcard adventures in 'Amelie'.

GOLANT (adj.)

Blank, sly and faintly embarrassed. Pertaining to the expression seen on the face of someone who has clearly forgotten your name.

- from 'The Meaning Of Liff'

00.37 As Adam explains, he cannot be here for much of tomorrow, as he is recording 'The Last Leg' in the evening, the Channel4 chatshow born of their daily Paralympics coverage during the summer. "A gig he got because of his shitty old foot problem," explains Mark, acronymising this - as seems his wont now - down to SOFP. "Hills is great! Hills is my comedy hero!" Mark proves it by quoting some nice review comments of the man. Who still has a plan to unfurl before us. While he will be preparing for the TV show tomorrow, which takes him away from us, "the upside is we are live on

29 A recursive thing which, in itself, could only happen here. Or mayhap the Memorial Society, a playground of a gig which has previously hosted a French translation of the Four Candles sketch (Thom Tuck's doing), a trombone/paint hazing of a new Board member, permitted heckles, a set from Cariad Lloyd in character as the hungry-yet-dainty Sanitary Bag Lady, an invisible Marcel Lucont, a mass 'Bugsy Malone'-ish cream fight and simultaneous chess match, and multiple staged re-enactments of the dreadful environmental kids' cartoon series 'Captain Planet'. We very appreciate what they're trying to do.

47 Hour #2, 12-1am television tomorrow night at 9:30". Adam thought there might be some way we could combine forces. "Unfortunately Channel4 is run by a massive pile of talking cocaine." Heh. Mark erupts in laughter, as does the room. "That's absolutely fine with me," Watson tells him, "but you are managed by Addison Cresswell, to be fair." Channel4 and the Off The Kerb head both talk the same language, Adam clarifies. So. Back to the point. "It's very hard to make plans of what we can do," Adam says; "however, the joy of being live on television is, technically, they can't edit anything that I say or do." "You'd really only get this with Hills," Mark stresses, pointing out most people would put their career very much first in this sort of situation. Heh.

00.40 While preparing 'The Last Leg' today, Adam says, they realised they need an extra, someone to whom he, Josh and Alex can pitch their political spiel, in reference to the Italian comedian turned politician Beppe Grillo. Whose political party came third in Italy’s recent elections. "We need someone to come out, like a Mayor, and do that thing where they actually read votes out. If you're not very good at acting it might not be a spoken role." But, conversely, if you are good you might get a speaking role. "You could end up TALKING on Channel4!" rallies Mark, "something which I am at the moment am not able to do." Following the poorly received advertising themed he was a part of, which Channel4, having commissioned it, decided they did not want. "This happens hardly ever in TV," says Marks. "Sorry, I'll read that again. This happens every time in TV." 3% of TV people aren't dicks, says Mark. Adam is extremely sympathetic. And, though fully aware this is being filmed and broadcast online, vents, summarising a large swathe of Channel4 execs as haranguing him over ‘The Last Leg’ by shrieking "more disability! MORE DISABILITY! Why aren't you talking about your FOOT!?"

@TiernanDouieb #pieano update: Im on chapter 3 'reading music'. However the pie cream is stinging my eyes so its hard to read anything. #25Hours

48 Hour #2, 12-1am

@EmmaK67 I'm in the tent #25hours

49 Hour #2, 12-1am

00.42 Corry's here! And TV admin is proceeding! Mark asks who in principle, would be up for going on 'The Last Leg'. A smattering of people put their hand up. Mark points out - with very little grasp of how a variant of Syndrome can take his audience30 - that in about 16 hours we might want to get out of this one room.

@EmmaK67 I've already tipped over a pint of diet coke inside my tent. There's also a wedge of lime in my bucket (I did not poo it) #25hours

00.45 Ray the auction winner is one of the tentative maybes for the TV gig. Adam reckons his tendency to pedantry counts him out of the running. "I was a copper for 17 years," he says; 90% are cocks, just as they are in TV. "You're not making me want to put you on the television," laughs Adam.

@adamhess1 Adam Hills now auditioning people to be on Last Leg tonight. Bloke called Ray just flopped it. #25hours

00.46 Adam reckons he can stay for another hour or so. Start the audition process. And then he has to leave to get some sleep; having a two-year-old is hindrance enough to a wakeful day.

@25HourChihuahua In a room with two countdown champions. Very different challenges. They couldn't have less respect for me. #25hours @watsoncomedian

30 For six days in August 1973, thieves Jan-Erik Olsson and Clark Olofsson held four Stockholm bank employees hostage at gunpoint in a vault. Once released, the Kreditbanken employees hugged and kissed their captors, and later refused to testify against them. This situation, obviously, is not the same. No-one is threatening our lives, nor are we physically prevented from leaving. There is likely just as sound an argument to be made for Stendhal Syndrome - being so overwhelmed by great art one feels dizzy and ill - at least when faced with a performer much admired (had turned up, I could have argued for them being the Florentine landscapes of the 21st century). But this phrase is the closest thing we have for 'making do in reduced circumstances to the point where you find it preferable to all other prospects'. Douglas Adams and John Lloyd tried their darndest within 'The Meaning Of Liff', giving us the word 'clunes' and defining it as: 'people who just won't go'.

Please note, Adams & Lloyd have coined several words which are of pertinence for certain elements of the 25 Hour Show, including 'nobbock' - 'the kind of person who has to leave before a party can relax and enjoy itself' and, given our squished-in seating, the 'moffat', which is 'that part of your coat which is designed to be sat on by the person next to you on the bus'.

50 Hour #2, 12-1am

by Pei Yen (oxymoronish.tumblr.com)

51 Hour #2, 12-1am

00.47 "If it's any incentive, the guest on the show will be Jonathan Ross," Adam tells us. "Brother of Paul Ross," adds Mark, a man who is on the stage, and miked up. Unlike the next person to speak. "I've got issues with Jonathan Ross," announces Ray, beefily. "He can't say 'R'," rails Hills, mock- furious, "let it go!"

00.48 "Ross Anecdote!" summarises Mark, as Ray is given the time to air his Ross grumbles. Two years ago he bid £1,600 to meet the man through TwitRelief, who never set a date, despite Ray having won the auction. Adam, though sympathetic, cannot help but note Ray's choice of language: he 'won', did he? Mark, by contrast, is set on pulling Hills up on his pronunciation of 'auction' as 'ock- shun'. A front-row Lincoln man - geographic Lincoln, not Day-Lewis - defends this way of speaking, saying he says the word the same. So.

JONATHAN ROSS TWITRELIEF SUPERFOLLOW PLUS

Jonathan Ross is the King of Tellyboxtonia, the land of Chat Shows and Light Entertainment. In short, just so we’re all clear, He RULEZ.

The ‘Super-Follow’ means that Jonathan will do ALL of these things... 1. Follow you on Twitter for 90 days 2. Retweet one of your tweets 3. Send out a tweet including your Twitter @username And as if that weren’t enough, 4. How do you fancy two tickets to see Jonathan’s new talk show when it starts in October and then having a chat and a drink with the man himself afterwards? And you will get the tie he is wearing that night. AND something random from one his pockets! (But not his house keys).

SO BID NOW!!! Jonathan will become your twitter best friend, Comic Relief will spend ALL the money you bid on life-changing projects, and the sun will shine. (That last bit about the sun might not be true).

00.50 "Ten minutes!" announces Misha. "Till what?" checks Mark. "Oh, the next hour."

00.51 "Where's Rufus?" asks Mark. "Up here!" calls the man, from atop the balcony. He will come down and explain what he has planned. Meanwhile, Barney has finished preparing 'Copacabana' for Corry. "It's probably too early for Tiernan to accompany them realistically," muses Mark, gazing over at the Ewok in wolf's clothing.

00.52 Emma emerges from her tent, with news. "I think I've persuaded Katy Brand to come and unicycle for us!" This is worth remembering, as Mark notes, otherwise she will turn up on the thing and he won't remember why. It won't be the first unicyclist we've had at a Long Show. In 2009 a man arrived, took off almost all his clothes, got Mark to have a go, and then - dispensing with the machinery - had Mark sit on his shoulders until Corry intervened31. Mark hopes that Katy will be less troubling than that.

31 I have an excellent quintet of photos of Mark sitting on the man's shoulders with Corry in the background, worried hand over her mouth; then moving purposefully towards the pair; having a word with the unicyclist; walking away. In the fifth, she is almost invisible, at the back of the stage, and the inexplicably semi-nude man has lowered self down so as Mark can alight. Those five pictures, that is what Corry is for these shows, and Mark himself.

52 Hour #2, 12-1am

00.54 A Jenny Watkinson approaches the stage. She wants to go in the tent. And, far more than that, she wants cake. During the show, she would like to build a house made of cake. To that end, she has one sponge brick. One solitary brick. "Either bake something like this," she urges the online viewers, "or bring ingredients here". We have no way of heating them. But she'll think of something. And fair play. Courtney Love isn't the only one who wants to be the girl with the most cake.

@adamhess1 A woman claims she's gonna make a house out of cake on stage now. People seem to believe her. We have no oven #25hours

00.55 "Are you being sponsored?" asks Mark. "Yeah!" Jenny tells him. Right, well then this HAS to happen, agrees Mark. Otherwise we've basically taken people's money and told them to get fucked.

53 Hour #2, 12-1am

00.56 Emma reveals she has a sound machine, that does both applause and farts. So armed, Mark urges people to help fulfil Jenny's dream, by barking words like "cake!" "make!" and "bring!"

00.57 "I'm playing Draw Something with Alison Moyet," announces Emma, answering several questions before they were put to her (e.g. "what are you doing?", "what is Alison Moyet doing?" and "who still uses the briefly popular app Draw Something, which allows Apple's mobile device users to play Pictionary?").

"I'm currently drawing the sausage from the opening sequence of 'Grange Hill'32," she continues, doing it again. For the benefit of foreigners, Mark explains who the English singer is - establishing that Alison Moyet is Alison Moyet - and what the school-based TV series Emma is describing is.

32 The opening titles graphics, featuring the surprising sausage itself, is pictured right. Sterling mid-period example of Quentin Blake’s work.

54 Hour #2, 12-1am

@25HourChihuahua 'I smell like a wet dog'... 'you are a wet dog'.... @watsoncomedian could learn a thing or two from this film. #25hours

00.59 "One minute," calls Misha. Mark realises the "Pie Arena" has spent an hour going unconstructed; Tiernan grabs an empty and flattened cardboard box from backstage to stand-on, a makeshift splatter-protector that ends up being used at almost every pie juncture. He is thinking smart at the moment. "Tiernan has somehow got some goggles," Mark points out. The stinging of the eyes shall be a thing of the past! Now it's just the sticky getting EVERYWHERE that he'll need to deal with.

55 Hour #2, 12-1am

Countdown Challenge, 12-1am

Innis Round Time Selection Mark Deeks Score Best Max Carson 526 75 5 9 2 5 1 25 12.00 am 526 160 – 170 526 190 → 526 (5 + 2) * 75 + 1

DEFANGS 26 12.01 am NPDGAEAFS DEFANGS 167 – 177 AGENDAS 197 AGENDAS 27 12.03 am SEQAYEDWJ DEEJAYS 174 – 184 DEEJAYS DEEJAYS 204 28 12.04 am NRFDEAAXV VERANDA 181 – 191 VERANDA VERANDA 211 INSULATE 29 12.06 am TILESATUN INSULATE 189 – 199 INSULATE LUTANIST 219 LUTENIST 100 25 10 5 6 420 30 12.08 am 420 199 – 209 420 229 4 → 420 4 * (100 + 5) 31 12.09 am TOKIMICAP APOMICT 206 – 216 APOMICT APOMICT 236 REALTOR RELATORS 32 12.11 am RRTLAOEUS REALTORS 214 – 224 244 S REALTORS NOTIONS 33 12.13 am NUSOTUNOI NOTIONS 221 – 231 NOTIONS 251 NONSUIT declothes 34 12.17 am LHSDEEOCT declothes (X) 221 – 231 CLOSETED 259 (X) 50 5 6 1 7 5 375 35 12.19 am 375 231 – 241 375 269 → 375 7 * 50 + 5 * 5 SLUMBERE SLUMBER SLUMBERER 36 12.20 am BRMLEEUSR 249 – 259 287 R ER LUMBERERS MISUSE 37 12.22 am SOSIFOMUE MISUSE 255 – 265 MOUSSE OSMOSE 293 MOUSSE 38 12.24 am HNRPIEABT PERIANTH 263 – 273 PERIANTH PERIANTH 301 39 12.27 am GAVELIGRR RAGGIER 270 – 273 gargler (X) RAGGIER 308 100 75 1 4 1 5 881 40 12.28 am 881 280 – 283 881 318 → 881 5*(100+75+1)+1 COMBINE COMBINED 41 12.30 am GEMIDOBCN COMBINED 288 – 291 326 D BECOMING 42 12.32 am PRPFIEANO PINAFORE 296 – 299 PINAFORE PINAFORE 334 43 12.34 am POBITERRE PORTIERE 304 – 307 PORTIERE PORTIERE 342 44 12.36 am LTRGEIOCN GERONTIC 312 – 315 GERONTIC GERONTIC 350 25 1 9 9 2 3 467 45 12.39 am 467 322 – 315 469 360 → 467 2*(9*25+9)-1 46 12.40 am LFMVEUIRD ERUVIM 322 – 322 DIREFUL DIREFUL 367 DEPOWER 47 12.43 am ROSEWEDIP DEPOWERS 330 – 330 DEPOWERS 375 S TAINTED 48 12.45 am ZTTNEIAFD DEFIANT 337 – 337 FAINTED DEFIANT 382 FAINTED 49 12.47 am HATEMUGCT MATCHET 344 – 337 MUTATE MATCHET 389 75 25 8 6 8 4 130 50 12.49 am 130 354 – 347 130 399 → 130 8 * (25 - 8) - 6 LEVADES 51 12.56 am LEDEKAQSV VAKEELS 361 – 354 LEVADES 406 VAKEELS BAWDY 52 12.59 am CYWGAAEDB ADAGE 366 – 359 BAWDY 411 CADGE

56 Hour #2, 12-1am CLAIRE'S DATE # 2 - OSKAR (midnight)

My second date was Oskar, who had been corralled into being my date through Willard, date 7, whom he knows through the debating circuit. He's a student of Islamic studies, a regular participant of internet dating, and has high functioning Asperger's.

He wore his pink hat especially for the date, and if I had a cap on now, I would doff it to him for effort, for it was a delightful hat.

Oskar was incredibly bright, and we spoke a lot about language, particularly Hebrew and Russian. When I confessed to have been trying to learn Russian, he tried to talk to be in Russian, but sadly the best I could do was answer him with the words 'cat; and 'sandwich'.

The date was rather unexpectedly punctuated by a diminutive dude with an astonishing handlebar moustache who kept shouting things like 'Satan's cock', as you do...!

Oskar was a really interesting guy, but I don't think my brain was much of a match for his at sensible times, let alone at midnight.

57 Hour #3, 1-2am Hour #3, 1-2am

01.00 Danielle pies Tiernan with a plate full of whipped cream, landing it smack on top of his head so as the mess goes into his hair and over his shoulder (like he is some sort of pirate wolf, plagued by a hugely incontinent parrot). "Two hours worth of custard in his hair," calls Mark, as Adam Hills quietly brings on a bin for the plate detritus.

58 Hour #3, 1-2am

01.01 "I'm working on getting Tracey Thorn to come in and sing 'Ging Gang Goolie'," announces Emma, once more answering several questions before they can be put to her (e.g. "what are you doing now?", "what Scouting classics are favoured by Everything But The Girl?"33, and "what do you get up to when communication with Alison Moyet dries up?").

@TiernanDouieb Thanks to @adamhillscomedy for a well timed pie bin. We now have a 'pie arena.' Im living the life of pie. #25Hour @rednoseday @comicrelief

01.02 Rob politely interrupts, to say he will go home and get some sleep. This is deemed to be a good idea by Mark, telling us that the man recently had brain surgery and "shouldn't be doing this at all". He checks what it was that Rob had - "an arterial vascular malformation" - and then realises he has nothing to say in response to the information. Mark: "So you're fine, basically?" Rob: "If I get some rest." Mark: "'If I get some rest' will soon be a catchphrase for all of us."

01.04 Rufus Hound takes to the stage. Disconcertingly 'tache-free, as he is currently the lead in the West End production of One Man Two Guvnors - as Mark does enthuse - and that character does not run a workhouse. Or Byker Grove34. He has a PLAN, a large amount of reticence, and a keen

33 I’d imagine the one about getting to heaven in a variety of impractical contraptions – biscuit tin, Jumbo jet, bra – is also right up there.

34 I am saying he had the same facial topiary as fictional venue manager Geoff! And I am saying it with affection, and a nagging feeling I could have been more high-falutin' with my analogising, e.g. likening the pattern of hair to one of Jim Lambie’s vinyl tape art installations, that are laid out in glorious maze-route lines which emphasise and celebrate the layout of – and objects on - a gallery floor. Ah well.

59 Hour #3, 1-2am desire to get into Emma’s tent. Also a wolf tattooed on the back of his leg for Comic Relief, as someone bid for the right to ink him a couple of years back. Though their identity is a secret; "they didn't want to get a reputation," as Mark says, "as someone that'd drop a few grand to get a wolf on Hound's body"35. However, of all these things it is the Challenge that Mark is most interested in. “It involves nudity,” says Watson, as the weirdly smooth-faced man beside him stresses, repeatedly, the thing he is prepared to do for charity is very much NOT something he actively wants to do. Not like someone waving away the suggestion that they sing before breaking out into a beautiful version of "I dreamed a dream". Honestly. "I cannot fucking tell you, from the pit of my soul, I do not want to do this." Like how some people will be sponsored to do a parachute jump, or go on what amounts to a fancy foreign walking holiday – ahem, paraphrasing – when they have always wanted to do that anyway36. “A true sponsorship challenge,” as our 25-hour-host notes, “involves some sort of ordeal”.

@adamhess1 Some random bloke has come on stage claiming to be Rufus Hound. Looks nothing like him. Hasn't even got a tash. Poor effort #25hours

01.06 "Unlike most of the Challenges," starts Mark, breaking off to ask "did we ever hear from the woman in the bath?" Giles has nothing. "Worrying, worrying," sings Mark, "probably drowned." A man behind me announces that she was fine half an hour ago, and tells us “she’s live-streaming it”. In the newfangled modern way, and, it turns out, the piss way too. “She’s just had a pee, Mark!” calls out a lady with probable internet access (or a near-hopeless special power). "Normally not a problem," days Mark; "in this case a problem." "Isn't the point about peeing in the bath," grins Rufus, "that you go 'well, no-one will know'?" Generally a secret habit, Mark agrees, yet this was “probably the most publicised wee in a bath in the venerable history of weeing in the bath”. Ever. Adam Hills pipes up to say “I just got a call from Jason Manford, he said he'd keep an eye on her”. Heh. “That is a piece of , by Adam Hills!” beams Mark. "Satire, by Adam Hills! One of our friends and contemporaries has been NAUGHTY. Apparently."37

35 It'd be good, in a way, if this was now the result of all Rufus ever did for charity. Getting an increasing number of secret wolves tattooed onto his body. Lupey.

36 Yeah, what are those people like? Getting sponsorship for a thing they would have done anyway! Now excuse me while I preserve yet another comedic moment in posterity!

37 The comprehensively married comic – he’s got KIDS – is now the go-to punchline/punchbag for sexting jokes, having been in the news twice in the last couple of years for encouraging female fans to send him topless photos. Of themselves. Not, say, a unicyclist in bright green Y-fronts with Mark Watson on his shoulders, which is much more the kind of thing that the Long Shows involve: unrequested street-performer man nipples.

60 Hour #3, 1-2am

01.08 Adam also has genuine news; he's just had a text from [the altogether more seemly] Dara O’Briain, who is watching us online, tanked up on anti-biotics having almost DIED for Comic Relief, canoeing up the Zambezi. Mark says hello, and enthuses over the man - "Dara's great, oh Dara, hi Dara!" - recapping his history with mention of the first ever Long Show and generally singing the man's praises. "Men find it difficult to express admiration or affection to each other but…" Mark tells us. "Get on with it, you bender!" interrupts Rufus.

61 Hour #3, 1-2am

by Pei Yen (oxymoronish.tumblr.com)

62 Hour #3, 1-2am

01.09 “Have you addressed why you’re wearing a lady’s t-shirt?” asks Rufus, of Mark. Causing everyone to really focus in on his skinny frame, and the equally skinny-fit tee adorning him. And no, he hasn’t. He’s a thin man, wearing a Comic Relief t-shirt, with Marilyn Monroe’s bespectacled face on it. This is the first time anyone has brought it up. "It's clearly cut for a lady!" insists Rufus. "YOU'RE cut for a lady," rejoins Mark. Well that's that sorted. Anyway, Hound, you are wandering miles away from the point. What, exactly, is your Challenge?

01.10 Rufus continues to explain how he really doesn’t want to do his Challenge, and that he will only do it if enough money is raised for Comic Relief, but not what his Challenge is. Just that it is shocking. Though it will not be too much of a horrorshow to viewers at this hour. Mark: “Anybody watching the internet at this time of night...” Rufus: “They’ve got more than one tab open.” Mark: "Your thing will be the third most shocking thing on a desktop… So if you're watching, and you're not Dara, you're probably a perve."

01.13 One of the few people in the room with laptop and internet, Emma Kennedy offers to set up a Comic Relief sponsorship page for a delighted Rufus; between Mark's and Rufus’ followers, they should be able to raise some cash. Though a lot of their Twitter followers will be asleep. Rufus has been tweeting about the gig so far, he says, impressing Mark.

63 Hour #3, 1-2am

"Ultimately we're hoping to get ALL of the trending topics on Twitter," says Watson38. "Because as we all know, when you’re trending on Twitter - it doesn't matter AT ALL." Though, that said, we are currently trending on Twitter! "Scratch that! Trending is a MASSIVE achievement!" And genuinely useful too. "I suppose what is DOES do is people click on to see what it means, and then they might donate… This is the ONE thing in my LIFE where trending would have some application above and beyond giving BBC executives some fucking thing to do with their time." Mark grumbles, briefly, overly TV channels employing someone solely to monitor Twitter feedback on their output. "It's not a very good way of measuring the success of a programme, because some of the people on Twitter AREN'T VERY WELL."39

01.14 The two menfolk become sidetracked by talk of the 'Mad Bad Ad Show'. Rufus says he’s never hated doing something WHILE taking part quite as much as he did that show; I mind my seating companions that he made seven series of ‘’ with Keith Lemon, which really puts that comment in perspective.

01.15 Mark points out that Markus Birdman is here, doing a mural. We verify this, with our eyes. He has spread out a stage’s width of paper, under the backscreen, and is nosily scrawling thereon with black and red markers. As he will continue to do for some considerable hours hence.

38 If sufficient people are tweeting using the same words or [hyper-linked topic] #hashtags, then they will 'trend'. It's a neat shortcut to what people are fixating on - news stories, TV shows, extreme weather - and you can view it by a particular geographic area or just for all users. It is, obviously, easier to trend in the UK by tweeting at an hour when few people are awake. Particularly as an audience web-savvy enough to be watching this on a live-stream are probably also Twitter users; more than one browser tab likely open for innocent multi-tasking reasons. Tabbing! It is the modern way!

39 Also, surely, how much attention are you paying to a programme if you are also tweeting about it during?

64 Hour #3, 1-2am

01.16 Mark has spilt some water. “I spill three or four things a day,” he tells us; “make a note, Rob”.

01.17 RIGHT. Rufus finally reveals his Challenge. Titled ‘You Can’t Make An Omelette’, it is a cabaret act which came to him in a dream40, which he thought would be hilarious to watch someone else do, and in the absence of someone else having had the same dream, he is volunteering. "A man in a chicken mask breaking eggs that he had sellotaped to his body, using a mallet that he had sellotaped to his own penis." He will line up 24 eggs, tape one more to his body, and break them - "hands free" - using a wooden camping mallet. "It is absolutely FINE!" calls Mark; "seven treble zero five, £5 to charity!" Emma pops out of the tent to set an extra Challenge to Rufus' penis; as a seven-year-old child, in Paris, she saw a man "smoking a cigarette via the end of his cock". "Maybe that's an encore," offers Mark, before apologising for the wang-centric way the gig is going.

01.18 “It nearly crippled me in my own kitchen,” says Rufus. He has practiced the once, to see if it is feasible. “There is a very genuine chance I won’t be able to do it.”

01.19 “HOUNDCOCKFUN,” summarises Mark. “Hashtag?” grins Rufus. Ha, yes please. “Who hasn’t dreamt of their cock trending?” asks Mark.

40 A fictional cabaret act I hereby determine to be soundtracked by Evelyn Evelyn's song 'Chicken Man'. You know, the duet recorded by Amanda Palmer and Jason Webley in their cabaret guise of conjoined twins, about the poultry farmer who took the orphan girls in. Sample lyrics as follows:

Chicken man (chicken man) / Chicken man (chicken man) Chicken man (chicken man) / Chicken man (chicken man) la la la la la la la la la / la la la la la la la

65 Hour #3, 1-2am

01.20 Rufus wants to know what is a realistic figure to set, as a Sponsorship minimum. "If you set it too low I will hunt EACH OF YOU DOWN," he promises, a jabby finger reiterating the point. “Fifty quid an egg,” offers Corry. Rufus is unimpressed with this starting offer. And expresses it verbally, with added vehemence to his tone. “Fuck off back to Norwich!” “She was actually in Warwick,” corrects Mark, “other than that I won’t over-rule you.”

01.21 A figure of £2,500 is suggested. Which is double Corry’s suggestion. Rufus is a lot happier with that.

01.22 Mark spots a dark-haired worried-looking lady, over in the shadows. It’s possible that’s what she looks like if still up at this time of night; it’s also possible #houndcockfun has done this to her. “Now and again you’ll see someone who looks more worried than anyone else,” Mark instructs us; “they’re from actual Comic Relief”.

01.23 Manly banter happens (because fundraising has become very cock-heavy all of a sudden). If he damages his member, that’s basically fine; Rufus’ penis is infrequently used, as he is a parent. Costume-based banter also happens (because these two are both men and on the stage darling). In Rufus’ dream, the egg-smasher had been wearing a chicken mask. He doesn’t have a chicken mask. So instead will be wearing a child’s King costume, swiped from his young son41. This is presented as the logical next step, to the lack of chicken outfit, and accepted as such.

01.25 So. The plan, as currently stands: we will direct people towards the Sponsorship page, and Rufus will go mallet mental if he raises sufficient funds. He’d rather it happen tonight – few people will see it online, if it’s in the wee small hours of Thursday – but is prepared to come back tomorrow, after the play’s finished for the night, and get eggy busy. (Again; paraphrasing.)

01.26 Yianni has finished his last hour’s challenge. There are 165 people here, which, timesed by 25, is 4125. “Not too shabby, that,” says Mark. So what’s next? Yianni asks for “tasks that need numbers”: what relevant sum can we throw his way? Rufus scampers to bring Yianni a microphone – people on the internet can’t yet hear him! – and a lady suggests he count Hound’s pubes. So soon to be visible to we all. Yianni alters this slightly to be the average number, rather than the number on Rufus’ specific groinal region, which means he can use Google to find the answer, rather than uncomfortable proximity to another man’s crotch. #PUBEMATHS!

41 The most unnerving example of a parent borrowing/stealing from their child for props, possibly of all time, was Bridget Christie taking her son Luke’s mask of the eerie ‘’ villains The Silence, teaming it with a WW2 era German helmet, white leather bondage style top, pencil skirt and fishnets, so as to better resemble then serving Conservative MP for Corby Louise Mensch. A woman with great powers and abilities, who inspires others, and thus may put one wholly in mind of Nietzsche's Übermensch, if you can bear to look at that gnarled alien visage…

66 Hour #3, 1-2am

67 Hour #3, 1-2am

01.28 Yianni reports that Andrew McClelland is watching online, in Australia. Giles also has news, dispensed using the mike Rufus hurries over with (“people on the internet can’t hear you!”). Zoe the bath lady has had two top-ups, and is okay.

01.29 Interrupting Rob Palk's attempts to disappear to get some sleep, Claire returns to the stage, to report on her dates so far. She “had fun downstairs”, she says, a sweetness undermined by Rufus’s implication-heavy quote marks, the first time I have seen bunny-ears fingers behind an unsuspecting head be used for a language-perverting end, rather than simply making a person look lightly foolish in photos.

68 Hour #3, 1-2am

01.30 Claire’s Hour #2 date was Oskar, who wore a pink hat and talked Hebrew. Hour #3 is called Sam. And she really should get back to him...

01.31 Emma has set up a donation page for Rufus. If Dara’s still watching, says Mark, it would be great if he could tweet about it. Or Barack. Even both.

@RufusHound So if you'd like to sponsor my #25Hour Challenge it's http://my.rednoseday.com/sponsor/rufushound1 #ohfuck

01.32 "Mark!" calls a lady up on the left side balcony. "Do you want some quantum physics?" He does, indeed. But she's not allowed to speak just yet. Rufus hares off up the stairs, yelling "people on the internet CANNOT hear you!"

01.33 Quantum physics says, according to the lady up on the left side balcony, that at any one time there's a "50% chance either one of you is the real Mark Watson". Actual Mark Watson isn't too taken with that. Rob seems okay with it. And Rufus is just happily insisting that if we do the zip up on Emma's tent we could have a Schrödinger's paradox all of our own, which is the only point in the gig where I have true cause to grumble that an onstage utterance would only be true 'if we put some radioactive material in a tent too'42.

42 For the thought experiment (not ACTUAL thing that happened), as the scientist himself explained it, isn’t just a matter of sealing something away from observance:

"A cat is penned up in a steel chamber, along with the following diabolical device (which must be secured against direct interference by the cat): in a Geiger counter there is a tiny bit of radioactive substance, so small that perhaps in the course of one hour one of the atoms decays, but also, with equal probability, perhaps none; if it happens, the counter tube discharges and through a relay releases a hammer which shatters a small flask of hydrocyanic acid.

If one has left this entire system to itself for an hour, one would say that the cat still lives if meanwhile no atom has decayed. The first atomic decay would have poisoned it.

The Psi function for the entire system would express this by having in it the living and the dead cat (pardon the expression) mixed or smeared out in equal parts."

69 Hour #3, 1-2am

01.35 Before Rob leaves, he is subjected to a short about Mark, to see what he has learnt while Watson Information Gathering ('earWIGging'?). Neither of them can drive or ride a bike ("is that true? that's FUCKED!"), and Rob is writing a novel - "something which is really more my thing" - to which end he is meeting Mark's publisher here, tomorrow morning. Though, if the book is commissioned, Mark declares he will finish it and keep all the money.

Question Rob's Answer Verified? When was Mark born? 1980 Correct! Has Mark been to Canada? Yes Correct! Cheese. Unless it's a Correct! Bonus points for using What food won't Mark eat? "binding agent". the phrase "binding agent". Can Rob name any of Mark's siblings? Lucy, Emma, Paul Correct!

N.B. The cheese used to bind together layers in a lasagne isn't really cheese, "it's bullshit cheese", therefore it is acceptable to Watson. See also: pizza.

01.37 We are told that Sanderson and Mikey will need monitors to help with their hug marathon between 3-7am. Meanwhile, Rob is excused, from both the show and the need to memorise any material; he can head home to sleep for 4-6 hours.

01.38 Mark announces that, as of half one, we have done 10% of the show!

01.39 There is a birthday Charlotte here, who is 24 today. The "gateway to 25", as Mark notes. Though we may have to combine singing Happy Birthday with 'Copacabana', as we still haven't done that yet. Charley’s Challenge involves her Bucket List43: there is a series of things she would like to do today, during the show.

43 Please note, this is particularly pleasing in a Dahl kind of a way. And I can cheerfully presume that, were the Birthday Challenger called Mike, they would have a TV List. While an Augustus would be happy with the Gloop doom that keeps on befalling Tiernan.

70 Hour #3, 1-2am

Charley's Bucket List includes: Hot air balloon ride Learn a language Interview someone Go up The Shard (Holly says her brother works there, that might help) Meet a tiger ("not easy", says Mark) Visit some people Comic Relief have helped Build a tree-house Originate a giant flashmob Learn to drive (also "not easy") Host a dinner party like the one in Joanne Harris' 'Chocolat' Give blood Get hypnotised by Derren Brown; fly like him

01.43 Of all of those, the easiest to accomplish is to "interview someone". As Rufus is still here, Charley should interview him. And this would be a good opportunity to involve another Challenger, James Walker, who is a shy man seeking to overcome that by having a series of sponsored conversations, but otherwise staying silent for the 25 hours. Which reminds Mark that at 3am we will be checking in with the Boy With Tape On His Face, who is doing a sponsored silence during the show, mention of which also reminds him of a school, on which no more information is volunteered, in part because Mark is easily distractible and in part because of other more pressing matters. Like the two people who have now joined him onstage. And the Time Check he is given. The erroneous Time Check. "It's quarter to three! But in related news, it's not!"

71 Hour #3, 1-2am

@daraobriain Hey Comedy insomniacs! Mark watson will be up all night doing his 25hr show. watch it! Donate! #25hours

01.45 Mark suggests Tiernan do the theme music for the chatshow. Rufus heads over to him with the mike, as Tiernan tells us "I'm working up to a performance piece, but it's not quite ready yet". He gamely plinks away at some sorrowful chords, to cheers from us. "That is the most melancholy chatshow in the universe," declares Rufus. Mark agrees, but "to be fair, Tiernan's got every right to be a little bit low at the moment". We are but fifteen minutes from pie #3 of a further 23. Minimum.

01.46 At Mark’s pressing, Charley determines that "a couple of questions" is sufficient to count as an interview. "What have you always wanted to ask Rufus?" summarises Mark, before adding "it'll soon be a much longer list." "Is this yours?" suggests Rufus, by way of example.

01.47 Internet news! The live-stream has been plugged by One Direction - who have done this year's Comic Relief single44 - which means it's crashed. "For fuck's sake," declares Rufus, "everybody tell everybody you know I did the cock thing!"

01.48 One Direction should be in bed, anyway. They are all CHILDREN45.

01.49 "Do you want me to get hold of One Direction?" asks Emma. Yes please. She gets on it. And promises to text Gillian Anderson as well.

44 A double cover, of both Blondie and the Undertones, entitled 'One Way Or Another (Teenage Kicks)'. Which is not dreadful. Though that appraisal comes with the caveat that I have only heard it once, when quite drunk and extremely emotionally vulnerable, and a lot of the potential pain of their daring to go near such seminal work is assuaged by the video being a charming delight. Though that appraisal comes with the caveat that I have watched it the once, when, as previous, quite drunk and extremely emotionally vulnerable.

45 i.e. they were born in the 90s, and I was not. Nor, as we have just established, was jive-talking Mark.

72 Hour #3, 1-2am

01.50 Is there a better band to get than One Direction? Coldplay, says Rufus. Beyoncé, suggests a lady in the audience. The singer who is also known as Mrs Carter - for she is Jay Z's wife - and Sasha Fierce. "She's got all sorts of aliases. Probably a tax thing."

01.51 "Mark!" calls Emma. "Request to Gillian Anderson DISPATCHED!" Corry brings Rufus a "Gay Hound", a pink drink he favoured when she managed the Komedia. He offers the interviewers a Coke, and hurries off to get it – his own bottle, hat-tip that man - as Emma relays sad news from Agent Scully. "'In Seattle, sorry - good luck.'" Oh. Nuts. "Well I'm not learning 'The X-Files' theme now," announces Tiernan. "Not being petty but Seattle's about 9-10 hours away," says Mark, certain she could get here before the end of the show if she put some effort in.

73 Hour #3, 1-2am

01.53 Emma has also asked if we can get JLS, just to cover our bases.

@adamhess1 One Direction have just tweeted about us so our live streaming has just blown up. If they come down I'll lose my shit #25hours

01.55 After Tiernan's melancholy theme music, the double-interviewer lone-guest chatshow commences. "We're just found out what you'd do for £2,500," says Charley. "That's right," agrees Rufus. "What would you do for five?" Heh. "In my head this conversation this conversation played out the other way round," leers Rufus, cheerfully. Before telling us, and her, that he won't have much left after the cockhammer. Maybe "branding", where a hot wire carves shapes into you so as to leave you with a permanent intentional scar. "So you could get my surname branded onto you?" Charley checks. "I could," a wary Rufus agrees; "you'd better have a BLOODY short surname." "It's my BIRTHDAY!" she reminds him, Veruca Saltishly. "Well! You can blow my back out!" Rufus pauses, ears having just caught up with his mouth. "I was thinking like 'candles on a cake', but…"

01.57 "Hullo Rufus Hound!" begins James. "What do you like?" BEST AT INTERVIEWS. YES. "It's one of the GREAT questions, isn't it?" beams Rufus. Who reckons the answer is "kindness". And "riding motorcycles". James follows this tidbit with a pertinent question, asking how many motorcycles Rufus owns. "I own one motorcycle. Because I also have a wife, who would rather I had no motorcycles. So 'one' is pushing it."

01.58 "When is your new album coming out?" asks James, scrabbling for a traditional interview question. "Some time in the Spring," Rufus tells him, reaching for a traditional interviewee answer. And lastly, Charley asks him for his favourite kind of egg. "Kinder Egg!" Rufus tells her, which is all it takes to have one hurled his way from the audience. And that's it, for the interview; a sure sign a chatshow is over is when the lone guest is crouched on the floor, eating chocolate where it landed.

01.59 One minute to pie! Tiernan assumes the position, on his "Pie Arena" cardboard, as Danielle struggles with her almost empty can of whipped cream, shaking out the last few drops onto one liquid mess of a plate.

74 Hour #3, 1-2am

Countdown Challenge, 1-2am

Innis Round Time Selection Mark Deeks Score Best Max Carson GRADUSE 53 1.01 am SABESUGDR BADGERS 366 – 367 GRADUSES 419 S 54 1.04 am NMNNOUOTE MOUTON 372 – 367 noumen (X) NOUMENON 427 50 10 2 2 1 3 526 55 1.07 am 526 382 – 377 526 437 → 526 (10+1)*(50-2)-2 SEXTONS 56 1.09 am SNXSEOUTU SEXTONS 389 – 384 TENUOUS 444 TENUOUS shotless 57 1.12 am SEHOTALSS ASSHOLES 397 – 384 ASSHOLES 452 (X) ALARM LEARN 58 1.14 am JNRLAAERM LEARN 402 – 389 ALARM 457 AREAL REALM LEARNER 59 1.17 am NERELAMRE LEARNER 409 – 396 LEARNER 464 RELEARN 75 25 3 9 6 4 516 60 1.20 am 516 419 – 406 516 474 → 516 (4 + 3) * 75 - 9 FLUSHED 61 1.22 am LESUSEHDF FLUSHED 426 – 413 FLUSHED DEFUSES 481 HEEDFUL DEGASES 62 1.24 am DJBSEEASG DEBASES 433 – 420 DEBASES DEBASES 488 SEABEDS 63 1.26 am DUTUMAGCT GAMUT 438 – 425 GAMUT CATGUT 494 IVORIED 64 1.28 am VLDREIOGI GODLIER 445 – 432 GLORIED GODLIER 501 GLORIED 75 1 5 10 1 5 831 65 1.31 am 831 455 – 442 831 511 → 831 (10+1)*(75+1)-5 TENET GENET 66 1.33 am GNTTUEENC TENET 460 – 447 TENET 516 TUTEE TENGE

TRADE RATED 67 1.36 am DARATALAE ALTER 465 – 452 TRADE ALTAR DEALT 521 ALTER LATER ABAYAS 68 1.38 am CBTZAAAYS CAST 469 – 456 BAYS TABACS 527 ABACAS EXEATS 69 1.40 am WAFEXEMST FEWEST 475 – 462 EXEATS 533 FEWEST 100 25 8 5 3 1 954 70 1.44 am 954 (X) 475 – 469 955 543 → 954 8*(100+3)+5*(25+1)

71 1.47 am NANOFIPNP PANINO 481 – 475 PANINO FINNAN PANINO 549

ROASTER ASSERTOR 72 1.51 am RRSTAEOSV ROASTERS 489 – 483 557 S ROASTERS 73 1.53 am HERATORBO BROTHER 496 – 490 BROTHER BROTHER 564 PLEIAD WAILED 74 1.56 am PQWDAEIKL WALKED 502 – 496 WALKED WALKED 570 DEWLAP 50 7 3 1 4 4 835 75 1.59 am 835 512 – 506 835 580 → 835 4*(4*50+7+1)+3

75 Hour #3, 1-2am CLAIRE'S DATE # 3 - SAM (1am)

Sam was my first unplanned date of the challenge. I did previously have a willing victim to come and endure an hour of my company at such an antisocial hour, but unfortunately he was struck down with tonsilitis and couldn't make it. So I popped into the gig to give Mark an update on the dates so far, and he asked the audience if anyone would be up for a date. The first (and only) hand up in the air was Sam's, so off we scampered back to the bar for date three.

As soon as we sat down I realised the major flaw with this date, which was the 14 year age gap. Sam, a Tesco check out bod, was only 18 years old. I am 32, and I tentatively spent the entire date concerned that someone would come along and put me on some sort of register.

Sam was very sweet, but terribly nervous, and sat at the other end of the sofa visibly shaking. Chat was very varied. He told me the highlight of his job was when the till would ring up numbers like £9.11, and that a dinner with his friend at Nandos earlier that week had resulted in a very farty episode. Talk turned to souvenirs and collecting things, and it was only when I'd admitted to collecting stamps up to the age of 11, it dawned on me that was a good 3 years before he was even born. His parting words on the subject of history were '...and then they found Richard the whatever's face in a car park' and then the date was over.

Bless young Sam.

And big big kudos for being the first volunteer to spend an hour in the company of a very strange older woman.

76 Hour #4, 2-3am Hour #4, 2-3am

02.00 Danielle doesn't have enough cream on the plate. Nevertheless, it's time for action. And so begins the countdown to pie, though it gets no further than "three" before Rufus steps forward and flings his near-full drink in Tiernan's - mercifully goggled-up - face.

Followed, almost immediately after, by Danielle flinging the plate his way, catching him on the beard but mostly on the chest. Oh, poor soggy Tiernan. Rufus, the madness having left him, is extremely keen to explain self; "I panicked and I improvised". Emma, with silent disdain, steps forward to wipe Tiernan down with her handy bog roll. Then returns to her tent, to get changed into night-wear. Am hoping Tiernan also has such fresh-outfit options open to him…

02.02 Giles has a tally for us, of money raised so far, by those sponsoring the Challengers in Team Watson. Which includes, Mark remembers, the Storybox5000. Which is the large cardboard-and- tinsel structure on the left of the stage.

77 Hour #4, 2-3am

02.03 Hills, following proceedings online, reports that One Direction fans are confused by the show. Giles has more exciting news, for Comic Relief at least. We have raised £13,086.04 so far! That is "LOADS of goats". (Not that that's all that the charity does, mind46…)

02.04 The screen reverts back to the plea for donations, and accompanying small print for the small-print about obtaining Bill Payer's permission47. Which is still urging people to text 'MARK. The missing inverted comma has been noted by Mark, as well as various grammar twitchers in the room48. "Just makes you sad," he says, meaning ‘miserable’ rather than ‘a dweeb-oh’. Before remembering he should be bigging up the 18 Comic Relief eBay auctions which are coming to an end during the show. People can win everything from an hour in the pub with Caitlin Moran to Nick Frost cooking you lasagne; even our own tented prisoner Emma Kennedy will make you food, if you give enough to charity…

02.05 Back to the Storybox5000. A creation of Sarah Bennetto and James Dowdeswell, the idea is that people can give them some change in exchange for a tale. Good coins, Sarah asks. "High silver, some golds. We'll still do it for coppers but it will be a shit story." From her side-stage vantage point, she sells the box on ambience, as well as story content. With an interior lit by faery-lights, "it's magical in the box". However. "It's NOT a kissing booth guys…" Weeell. "If they pay with £10 notes, it's a kissing booth."

46 Among many other non-goat things, the money will go towards initiatives that support women in the UK and Africa, funding:

agencies in the UK that are working to support vulnerable refugee and asylum-seeking women, who

the UN say are more likely than any other group of women to be affected by violence

organisations in Africa which understand and address the rights of women and girls, funding projects

which help to tackle violence, abuse and harmful traditional practices like female genital mutilation

47 Facebook has record of at least thirteen men by the name of William Payer. I reckon all are fine with you texting MARK to 70005, and donating a fiver.

48 The sort of person for whom certain of Randall Munroe's XKCD comics - as with this, below - is a DOOM:

78 Hour #4, 2-3am

@TiernanDouieb Thanks to @RufusHound for adding to pie number 3 with a refreshing drink. Like a full meal. In the face. #25Hours

79 Hour #4, 2-3am

02.06 John-Luke Roberts is invited to the stage, a man who is now three hours into his Sponsored Trial Separation from his girlfriend, Nadia Kamil. "There comes a point, after six or seven years, it's hard to find a way out." Mmm-hmm? "Luke is being sponsored to do lots of things meant for two people," says Mark, "but on his own". "In the three hours so far I've got through the first three stages of grief: that's Denial, Anger and Bargaining. I'm on Depression now, so I'm going to eat a For Two Indian Meal. And I thought I might, for a couple of hours, just listen to the Johnny Cash cover of 'Hurt' on repeat." Mark thinks that is an EXCELLENT idea, and asks Luke to do just that for the next two hours. And doesn't seem that worried about the state of their relationship that this Trial Separation would even be a thing suggested, instead happily wondering if Luke will meet someone else during. "This could be just what you and Nadia need. 'I've banged someone for Comic Relief!" Mark imagines him confessing. "That's not till Hour #14," Luke minds him.

02.08 "A school!" remembers Mark. "A school!" Like a hospital, he explains, but with more kids and focus on education than ill people. The pupils of Britannia Primary in Ipswich will be spending Friday having 25 lessons in their school day, for which the kids are all being individually sponsored. They have four lessons free, so we get to decide what they learn. A reminder goes in the back of my book.

02.10 Is Oliver Fisher in here, wonders Mark. He's watching pampered dog movie 'Beverly Hills Chihuahua' back to back, for the duration. "By now he'll have watched it nearly twice," Mark reckons, worrying for the boy's sanity: "it looks unspeakable". There is no Oliver to be found. Instead Mark tells us of a couple of other previously unmentioned Challenges: Misha is knitting, Robert Wells is writing a song every hour, and Andrew Scherer is running a marathon. By doing one mile quite a lot. Andrew says he has done one and a half so far, of the 26 miles and 385 yard total. "It's not that nice out there." (Which is true if he means weather wise, or just general atmosphere. I'm always happy to get off North Road, and onto something a little more brightly lit.)

80 Hour #4, 2-3am

02.12 Rich, on our row, was set to be playing pool throughout the show. He is hindered in this by a lack of table. I announce there is one lying abandoned on Hanley Road, near Finsbury Park station, around half an hour's walk away. I show absolutely no inclination towards leaving to get it, mind - quite happy here, in the warm - and besides, as follow-up questions reveal, there are neither cues nor balls lying abandoned near it. Ray pipes up to suggest a pool table he knows of, in Cobham, in the house of Soccer AM Presenter Helen Chamberlain. (Which is thirty miles away, as opposed to two.) Far more helpful than either of us is the person who happens to have a pool table with them, just in case suggests Rich play pool on a phone app. Delighted with this idea, Mark says "app" a lot. And determines that "get an app" will be his easy solution to every subsequent problem. App app app. App49.

02.15 There are a couple of ladies in here - Claudia and Rosie - who undertook a Monopoly- themed Challenge today, visiting every location on the London board and putting up A4 versions of the deed cards. They live-tweeted the capital- crossing endeavour, using the hashtag #comicreliefmonopoly. "It took us eight hours," they call, from the back of the theatre, still resentful over Old Kent Road50. Mark asks if it was worth it. The first three words of the sentence suggests the answer could be positive; the fourth, less so. "IT WAS VERY BORING!" Tomorrow, two comics will battle against two audience members to do half the board each. Which should help to make it slightly more enjoyable.

02.17 "My mum baked some cakes," offers a lady, seemingly from nowhere. "Oh my God you BEAUTY!" yells Cake House Jenny51, zooming to grab them. Meanwhile Kate has Rufus news - his Sponsorship page is currently on £270. "Are we paying to see it or not to see it?" asks someone else. "We've got basically 20 hours to inch that up by like two grand," reckons Mark, determinedly. Once people wake up, both corporeally and to the reality of the dick situation, that should be fine.

49 APP!

50 Whose inclusion on the board, as with all of the other places, is the fault of Victor Watson of Waddington's, and his secretary Marge Philips, who came down from Leeds for the day, in 1925, to scout for locations for the British version of the American game. Bonus fact! The only property square on the board that is a place, rather than a street, is the Angel coffee house in Islington, where the pair had a lovely lunch.

51 One of the nicest of all the Jennies, in a line-up that includes Spinning*, Boom, and Pirate. Though of course it's easy to be nicer than 'Pirate Jenny', of Brecht & Weill's maid revenge fantasy; you just don't got to kill everyone in one sorry little seaside town when the Black Freighter turns up, all guns blazing. ("…And they're chainin' up people and they're bringin' em to me, askin' me, 'kill them NOW, or LATER?'"). That song, btw, is to those who are miserable in their jobs what [orphan and secret wizard] Harry Potter is to kids who hate their homelife, or [secret son of Poseidon] Percy Jackson is to dyslexics with ADD and an absent parent. Probably the same amount of bloodshed, too, though the latter fellows take several books to hit Jenny's tally…

* "When did we stop calling every even slightly complicated device a 'jenny'?" Nick Doody has mused. "That was a good system."

81 Hour #4, 2-3am

"There's probably a way we can siphon off some sponsorship from people that think they've voting for it NOT to happen," reckons Mark52. "If nothing else I imagine Richard Curtis would part with a lot for NOT."53

02.19 Adam Hills says he has started a Twitter hashtag for it, of #houndcock. Mark, meanwhile, is worried that bidding is going too slowly. Emma says she is on £1,700 of sponsorship just to stay in that tent; "is it cheating if we COMBINE our sponsorship?" Seems so, yes. Rufus decides he will go home, and return after Friday night's performance of 'One Man Two Guvnors', in the last hour of our show. "I'll see you in twenty hours," he says, and then comprehensively fails to leave, waylaid first by Kirsty Nicki who takes his photo with Spare Bear poking out of the fly in his trousers, then by the show itself.

52 Mendaciousness taught to me at an early age by repeat viewings of the film 'Heathers', where JD manipulates one mega-bitch into manipulating the school to put their names to a mass suicide pact, some thinking they're signing a petition to get a hot-tub in the cafeteria, others to get Big Fun to play their prom. ANALOGIES.

53 Good. I think he owes us some sort of reparation for ‘The Boat That Rocked’, which had a wonderful cast but little more to offer besides. Unless you like a furious Captain Mainwaring repeatedly calling a man Mr Twatt (like Captain Darling, see, but RUDE!!!)*. Or all women being portrayed as flighty nymphos, and occasionally also silly lesbians in jaunty tights. Or films with funny funny attempted rape scenes, e.g. where portly old Nick Frost’s character offers his thin teenage friend the chance to lose his virginity with an unsuspecting stranger by swapping in for him, in a darkened bedroom. Woo! Weren’t the 60s KER-AZY!?!!?

* Says iMDB: “Dormandy's secretary was originally known as Miss Clitt in early versions but is now only known as Miss C, presumably due to much being made of having two character names doubling as innuendo.” Incidentally, the worst play I have ever seen - an adaptation of 'Dracula', on a bouncy castle, in a converted church - had a character called Mrs Ciltoris and oh, the male members of the cast could NEVER FIND HER.

82 Hour #4, 2-3am

02.21 Corry mentions Zach Braff, one of a vast list of celebrities who are in town and thus tantalisingly get-able. Sarah Bennetto suggests luring Braff in with the prospect of drugs - we don't even have actual cake here, let alone the good stuff54 - as she is insider-knowledge convinced he is a party animal. There are Aussie comics listening, she adds, who could help. "I've got a feeling Dustin Hoffman is in town," offers Emma.

02.23 Rufus suggests we all tweet at Zach at a set-time, say 9am, pique his curiosity and flatter him into coming down. Zoë Fell – name-fun brain still very much at full-power - summarises this as "Braff- fast time". Although, if he is the party animal Bennetto reckons - "he'll be up" - we might be able to get him now. And he's doing press junket work all day tomorrow, so this might even fit his schedule. "Change of Zach tack!" announces Rufus. Adam suggests the man will be hungry, if he is, um, enjoying himself at this hour. "Tell him we've got a Cake-House," says Sarah, exaggerating by several hundred bricks. Hills amenably starts composing a bribe of a tweet to send to the actor.

@adamhillscomedy Hey @zachbraff come to @watsoncomedian's #25hours show please. We have a house made of cake.

02.25 Mark checks if Holly and Jack are still okay - yup - and Rufus, who is very much still here, pipes up from the stageside shadows with a question. "Has anybody got a spare motorcycle helmet?" He could go and pick Braff up, if needs be. Nobody does. "Make one!" suggests an audience member. "I think it needs to be one that wouldn't kill him if he needs it," Rufus explains, patiently. Before happily suggesting we send Jack to get the man, Holly still on his shoulders. Definitely a first impression maker.

@sarahbennetto Dear @zachbraff. You have to come to @ThePleasance in London right now. There is an amazing show happening & you're sort of becoming a hero.

02.27 Mark remembers he needs to tell us about Nat Luurtsema's Challenge. Mark in no way follows that announcement by telling us about Nat Luurtsema's Challenge. Tweeting at Braff is a higher-level priority at this moment. "The worst case scenario," muses Mark, "is he wakes up and thinks 'what the fuck does this mean?'"

54 AKA "loonytoad quack", "Joss Ackland's spunky backpack", "ponce on the heath", "rustledust" or "Hattie

Jacques' pretentious cheese wog".

83 Hour #4, 2-3am

@kateweb @zachbraff If you want a unique London experience, you should come to #25Hours. Raising money for charity until midnight Friday.

02.28 Sarah suggests searching Twitter for mentions of Braff, essentially stalking him through other peoples' sightings. "Sarah increasingly displays the properties of a psychopath," summarises Mark, and leaves her to get on with it55.

55 An activity which becomes that much sweeter, though tinged with sadness, if it is soundtrack by Neil Gaiman's 21st Century torchsong for a lonely lovelorn webtrawl…

I Google you / Late at night when I don't know what to do I find photos you've forgotten you were in / Put up by your friends I do, I Google you / When the day is done and everything is through I read your journal that you kept that month in France / I've watched you dance And I'm pleased your name is practically unique / It's only you and a would-be PhD from Chesapeake Who writes papers on the structure of the sun / I've read each one I know that I should let you fade / But there's that box and there's your name Somehow it never makes the pain grow less or fade or disappear I think that I should save my soul and I should crawl back in my hole But it's too easy just to fold and type your name again, I fear I Google you / When I'm all alone and don't know what to do And each shred of information that I gather / Says you've found somebody new And it really shouldn’t matter / Ought to blow up my computer / But instead... I Google you

84 Hour #4, 2-3am

02.30 Hills, now onstage, would like to start the search for someone to be an extra on 'The Last Leg'. The criteria is quite basic. Someone who "can walk on set and hand me a piece of paper". "That's a bit disablist," jibes Rufus. "From someone who has barely any feet," agrees Mark. Tsk.

02.32 The TV studio will be quite a high pressure environment. I suggest we simulate it, as best we can, by photographing and filming the auditionees, an idea Hills goes for. Cameras at the ready then, as the various candidates assemble on the left of the stage, ready to walk forwards and utter the key phrase "have you seen Hound's cock?"

02.35 The auditions begin, people approaching Hills to ask, in varying stages of disbelief, enthusiasm and horror: "have you seen Hound's cock?" Gemma aside; she didn't even need to speak, instead passed by a roar of lusty appreciation by the menfolk behind us.

85 Hour #4, 2-3am

Candidate Pass? Candidate Pass? Candidate Pass? Jenny Yes Helen Yes Tom No Saskia Yes Zoë Yes Dawn No Alistair No Alex Yes Christopher Yes Ryan No Josh, sings 2nd GO Kate Yes Finian Yes Zahid No Kirsty Nicki Yes Carol No Gemma YES!!! Josh Yes

N.B. Alex, in the above, is the Alex Sweetnam who David O'Doherty offered to marry if she arrived during the last Long Show, in 2009, a thing which Mark recaps for us, to some bewilderment. (David is not here today. He cannot make good on his promise. Though it is possible there is a time limit on that kind of offer. Like some banks put on cheques…)

02.45 The candidates are now down to a more manageable eleven. By the time Hills comes back, we will have them down to half a dozen. Adam reckons the final audition should see them learning a piece of dialogue from a film, and performing it for us. He will be back at nine or ten in the morning, with Ali, their two year old, and high chance of bagels and doughnuts as well. On top of all of this, in what Mark dubs "OPERATION ROSS", Adam promises Ray he's going to see if he can get the policeman seats in one of Jonathan's next TV ventures, and the return of his money. "And if we can get Hoffman to hand it over in an envelope," beams Mark, "probably be a good day's work by anyone's standards."

86 Hour #4, 2-3am

02.47 The candidates are still lined up along the back of the stage. And Rufus, while he officially left a while ago, is also is still here. "I'm just hanging around to see if I need to put Zach Braff on a motorcycle." There is a stalker update, from Bennetto: "he's out on the town with James Franco". News which prompts a "Franco frisson", according to Mark. They've got 'Oz' co-star Mila Kunis with them! No-one seems as excited about that56!

56 She was the sassy one in 'That 70s Show'! She was the sexy one in 'Black Swan'. She was the poorly- written lead in the diabolical campus slasher sequel to 'American Psycho'*! Come ON people!

* Sample quote, from iMDB's page of memorable dialogue: " Can I have a different pen?"

87 Hour #4, 2-3am

88 Hour #4, 2-3am

02.48 Hills reminds us that Braff and co. might be watching the live-stream, to gauge whether or not to come down. Mark acknowledges this, and prepares to speak directly to them, asking Tiernan to provide an emotional keyboard underscoring to his words. The music might be very similar to the chatshow theme tune, Douieb warns. "That's alright mate," Mark tells him, "you've got custard in your eyes." Adam and Rufus go to help him play Chopsticks. Class.

89 Hour #4, 2-3am

02.50 "Um, it's a comedy show that involves quite a bit of improvisation," explains Mark, speaking directly to the cameras at the back of the room. "So Zach, Mila, James; wherever you are! We would love to see you here!" There are mass cheers at this, from those onstage and off. "We are very tired but we're good people. We will treat you really well. Or 'real well', as the Americans say. You will have FUN; I think that's also in America, that one. Um, you don't have to do anything. We have a house made of cake, which you can eat, in case you've got the munchies. I'm not suggesting that you have been doing drugs. But if you do, or are, it's totally cool. Man." Mark also stresses how much money their appearance could help raise for charity; "this is not some sort of wind-up, or one of those things you hear about where people ultimately get killed". Promise!

02.53 Hills leaves. "Stay strong my friends!" Most of those onstage also get off the stage, leaving Markus free to get on with his mural unimpeded.

90 Hour #4, 2-3am

02.54 Mark explains The Boy With Tape on His Face's Challenge: a 25 hour Sponsored Silence. Shortly, we are going to Skype him. But he won’t be able to talk, on account of the 25 hour Sponsored Silence. "Also he's got a baby, so he shouldn't be doing this." Lots of people, Mark notes, shouldn't be doing this, busy people who have nevertheless given up their time to be helpful, like Emma Kennedy, and the huggers. Who are doing alright, up on their balcony sweetspot. "We had a domestic when you were being quite funny," says Sanderson, before realising how rude that sentence sounds, and explaining self. He wanted to listen to Mark; Mikey wanted to stretch; they couldn't do both.

@Andy_McClelland Hello @zachbraff You know how i never ask you for anything? Could you come to @watsoncomedian's #25hours show? There's 25 types of cake.

91 Hour #4, 2-3am

02.56 Pierre, who returns to us pictorially triumphant, has drawn the Tyranny of Time. Giles has a photo of it which he is going to get up on the screen, so as those who aren’t down the front / blessed with excellent eyesight will be able to see it properly.

02.57 As the technical wranglings happen, Adam Hess tells us he is going to do his Kinder Egg toy in the tent. And we hear from Markus Birdman, who has drawn a massive Mark face, in the centre of his poster.

02.58 Pierre's artwork appears on the backscreen. His aged sunken balding knight looks like Mohammed Al Fayed, or Prince Philip. Dec quietly suggests we try and get Prince Philip to come down, managing to alight on one of the few people neither on Twitter nor likely to be in Emma Kennedy's phone book. The picture is passed back through the crowd to Barney, who commissioned it.

02.59 Danielle retakes the stage, armed with yet another whipped cream platter. Tiernan too resumes his position…

92 Hour #4, 2-3am

93 Hour #4, 2-3am

Countdown Challenge, 2-3am

Round Time Selection Mark Deeks Score Innis Carson Best Max 76 2.02 am PRSNAAENM SPEARMAN 520 – 514 SPEARMAN SPEARMAN 588 77 2.06 am GEPACINNN PANNING 520 – 532 PENANCING PENANCING 606 IMPARTS TROPISM FORMATS AMORIST 78 2.09 am PMFTIOARS IMPORTS 527 – 539 IMPORTS SPORTIF 613 IMPASTO IMPORTS ARMPITS PROFITS

GLISTER LUSTIER GRISTLE 79 2.11 am WITUSERGL GRISTLE 534 – 546 UGLIEST LURGIES 620 GUTSIER UGLIEST GUSTIER 479 25 50 8 10 9 9 80 2.16 am 479 544 – 556 479 630 → 479 10 * (8 * 9 - 25) + 9 81 2.19 am WIBOVOTNO BOOT 548 – 560 TOWN BONITO 636 82 2.22 am RLMREEUSS REUSES 548 – 567 RESUMES RESUMES 643 83 2.25 am LERIMIRTI LIMIER 548 – 574 LIMITER LIMITER 650 AUCTIONED 84 2.26 am TNCDOIUAE CAUTIONED 566 – 592 EDUCATION CAUTIONED 668 EDUCATION 945 100 50 75 25 85 2.28 am 945 573 – 599 945 675 5 5 → 946 25 * (50 - 5) - (100 + 75 + 5)

ANHEDRAL 86 2.40 am LRDNAAEGH HANGARED 581 – 599 GARLAND 683 HANGARED 87 2.42 am DETAMEDOD DEMOTED 588 – 606 DEMOTED DEMOTED 690 ABSEILS FABLESS 88 2.44 am JBSSIEALF JALEBIS 595 – 613 FALSIES 697 FALSIES JALEBIS 89 2.47 am GECEVITXT EXCITE 601 – 619 EXCITE EXCITE 703 509 25 50 2 10 7 2 90 2.49 am 509 611 – 629 509 713 → 509 10 * 50 + 7 + 2 91 2.51 am ZOYISOTRR SORORITY 619 – 637 SORORITY SORORITY 721 REPOSAL PHREAKS SPARKLE 92 2.54 am RSHKOAELP SPARKLE 626 – 644 PAROLES 728 PAROLES PRESOAK SPHERAL SAMAAN 93 2.57 am FONAMASAE NOSEMA 632 – 650 SEAMAN NOSEMA 734 SEAMAN

94 Hour #4, 2-3am CLAIRE'S DATE # 4 - SAM (2am)

Sam I'd known on Twitter for a good 9 months or so, and he would have been in the running to be Mr #52 had he not buggered off to live in Toronto. But since I needed some dates in the wee hours of the morning and there was a convenient time difference, I asked Sam if he fancied being one of my dates, and he kindly agreed. In terms of effort, Sam definitely gets an A. He'd dressed for the occasion including wearing a shirt, and was even wearing polished shoes indoors, although the aftershave was his true master stroke. He'd also opened a bottle of wine, and had set the scene with candles everywhere, it was delightful.

Sam explained to me the joys of Canadian life, how shit they are at queuing, how he'd experienced a temperature of -27C which is utterly insane, and what it was life starting a completely new life from scratch. I even got to meet his sofa. I attempted to bond with Sam over the time I once went to Canada, but my already-knackered brain let me down when I admitted to having visited Viagara Falls. I was relieved that Sam wasn't there in person, as Skype failed to show up the fact that I had gone a bright shade of purple.

As I type, I'm looking at the remnants of the notes I tried to make during the date, and I can see a sentence which looks like 'wafits of wang'. I have no idea what on earth this means, but hopefully Sam can fill me in at a later date. Sam was delightful company, albeit on the other side of the Atlantic, and I was beyond flattered that he thought I was the of the dating world. This was certainly a dating first for me, over Skype, and a far more sensible idea than logging onto Chat Roulette.

95 Hour #5, 3-4am Hour #5, 3-4am

03.00 Tiernan is splatted on the right of his head, a neat perpendicular pie-ing that sees one ear fully creamed up. Which is too much for some to pun resist. "About four people simultaneously make the joke 'a trifle deaf'," commentates Mark.

96 Hour #5, 3-4am

03.02 We get through to Sam Wills The Boy With Tape On His Face on Skype, the video feed taking over the backscreen. Though the Sponsored Silence is presumably problematic for him, in the course of living his actual life - particularly with a tiny baby to look after - it fits these proceedings perfectly. Being lightly ludicrous, and thus in keeping with a gig whose audience feature perma-knitters, two perma-huggers and a woman sitting on her fiancée's shoulders. And, with his mouth sealed shut, Sam never speaks when performing, which this web link-up is definitely an opportunity for.

03.03 A warning pop-up appears onscreen. "'There's a problem with the internet connection' says a box," reads Mark. "SHUT IT, BOX!" He tells the internet to fuck off. Sam joins in, with double Vs. Yeah! Mark asks how he is, suggesting "a thumbs up if you're reasonably well". Which is duly waved our way. Though, if we're reading his fingers-based "scale of one to ten" right, this Sponsored Silence is a colossally bad idea, considering he is a new father. Eighteen fingers worth of bad, reckons Mark.

03.04 Mark reminds those watching they can sponsor TapeFace57. And behind him, Sam raises his hands and rubs the thumb and fingertips together, in a widely recognised gesture for money. Tickling Mark, who had forgotten how much he can communicate, even silently. Good big wide eyes aren’t just useful for nocturnal mammals. Plus, like a slow loris with a man drawer, Sam has a torch, meaning he can uplight his own face in a manner most unnerving. And then take it to the next level, waving a hand over his face as the light goes on and off, as though the glow is controlled by the gesture. A winner with us, as it surely will be with his son. "Can you do that with your face?" calls Mark, at those watching. "I doubt it!" We none of us have easy access to a spacehopper, either. TapeFace wins.

57 Saw him so titled/summated on a board in the Pleasance Dome one year. Made me happy. Very pleasing to say. TAPEFACE. Takes away all those unnecessary definite articles, nouns and prepositions, just leaves you with the nub of his act; he has tape, right, on his face. You don't need to be too specific, don't have to go into brands or hue*. NASHMOUTH wouldn't sell as well. And it's not as much fun to say.

* Black, imported from New Zealand. A Time Out exclusive, that nugget, I believe. ‘Nashua 357 is my favourite brand – the thread count’s high, it rips nice and straight and there’s a heap of glue on it.’

97 Hour #5, 3-4am

by Pei Yen (oxymoronish.tumblr.com)

98 Hour #5, 3-4am

03.05 We will come back to Sam again, in a couple of hours. And that's not the only reason to stay tuned that Mark dangles in front of us. "Pretty soon, wee fun!" He's about an hour away from going for a wee, says Mark. Happily the return of John-Luke Roberts distracts from any further such talk. Not for the skellington onesie - though that is EXCELLENT - but for the curry he wanders onstage holding. Mark pounces, cheerfully scooping up tangy mouthfuls of Luke's Indian Meal for Two for One, making it an Indian Meal for Two [ideal] for One [Luke] for Two [the both of them]. "Oh yeah!" he enthuses. "Oh yeah! I can see why people eat food, it's bloody good!" Mark excitedly finds a naan, and dips it in the curry, as Luke suggests, both beaming over how single guys live LIKE KINGS.

03.07 "What are you going to do next, mate?" asks Mark, still chewing. Luke has an hour and ten minutes left of that Nine Inch Nails cover to listen to. Johnny Cash is still great, reports Luke; he's had a lot of listens to 'Hurt', and he's still enjoying the song. "I'm not sick of it yet!" Mark realises his headphone are playing it now. As with so many of the Challenges of the show, dedication’s what you need.

99 Hour #5, 3-4am

@Scotty_McTweety @WilliamShatner Bill, give a mention to @watsoncomedian who's doing a #25hours comedy marathon live for @rednoseday http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=--Z8Gkz0pq8# …!

@WilliamShatner Wait! It's @rednoseday ? How come nobody told me? I suppose they are just repeating my HIGNFY ep over and over.

@Scotty_McTweety @WilliamShatner @rednoseday no, red nose day is 15th March but @watsoncomedian is doing his marathon now

@WilliamShatner @Scotty_McTweety so you confused me about @rednoseday ? Don't do that again! Best of luck to @watsoncomedian

03.08 "Shatner just tweeted about it," reports Carol, interrupting the 'Hurt' talk. Impressive! Mark is incredulous ("what!?"), delighted ("well I never!"), and amazed ("Christ!"), reckoning the two "bloodys" he just exclaimed over the news is fully justified. William Shatner! "Ask him to tweet Zach," a lady suggests. Ha. No.

@Andy_McClelland I can hear the voices of so many friends helping and calling for attention in the background at #25hours. Melbourne is awful in comparison.

100 Hour #5, 3-4am

03.09 Luke has had no contact with Nadia for over four hours. "Should I delete her number?" he asks. Seems in keeping with the endeavour, but it's also a bit pointless; he made sure to memorise it, a couple of years ago. At the very least, it is determined, Luke should replace the photo of her which serves as his phone's lockscreen image. With one of Mark; they just shared a curry, Watson is the most important person in Luke's life now. Host hunger noted, Misha asks "would you like a banana?" "Would the Pope like a banana?" retorts Watson, getting the pontiff's rhetorical Catholicism confused with his own love of bendy yellow fruit. Misha gives him a banana. Emma gives him a bagel. Luke photographs him holding the both up, bagel in a bag like a fish won from the fair. A memory to treasure far longer than the sight of his girlfriend in a mortar board, clutching a giant golden calculator, celebrating her having FINALLY won at the Humble Quest For Universal Genius58. Yes.

03.11 Sanderson reports on Oliver Fisher, the Chihuahua man. "He's in a huge amount of pain." In recording this, I manage to inch the spelling of the troublesome Mexican dogbreed that much close to 'cthulu' than it was ever intended to be, a word I find a lot easier to write down59, and in itself a likely excellent movie remake idea ('Beverly Hills Cthulu'!), preferably helmed by Joss Whedon. This is how tired manifests in me. Dec, on my left, is just slipping down in his cushioned bench seat, eyelids also heading heavily southwards. "I can tickle you," I promise. "Thankyou." "Just in general, bear that in mind."

58 Mark Allen's ludicrous quizshow, which seeks to find a modern-day Renaissance Man or Woman, through rounds that test the two contestants in areas such as Languages, Poetry, Art (typically plasticine-based), Anthropology, (stand-up), General Knowledge and even Hunting. The latter round sees both players armed with Nerf guns, and encouraged to fire at the dartboard sported by Mark's 'glamorous assistant' Eli, a short bearded Igor in a vest, typically wearing some sort of antlered/beak fashion accessory to better resemble an animal nemesis. Nadia is, among other things, better at shooting at Eli's goose than Tom Bell is. Hence her prize. And this lovely photograph of her with a commemorative gold calculator.

59 Though the internet insists Lovecraft's octopus/dragon/human hybrid cosmic entity may also be termed: Tulu, Clulu, Clooloo, Cthulu, Cthullu, C'thulhu, Cighulu, Cathulu, C'thlu, Kathulu, Kutulu, Kthulhu, Q’thulu, K'tulu, Kthulhut, Kulhu, Kutunluu, Ktulu, Cuitiliú, or Thu Thu. Amazing. The man we know as only signed his name a mere SIX different ways; Willm Shakp, William Shaksper, Wm Shakspe, William Shakspere, Willm Shakspere and William Shakspeare. Which I think makes him a third less difficult to deal with than Lovecraft’s creature. At least if you work in a bank.

101 Hour #5, 3-4am

@jlukeroberts My new non- @NadiaKamil wallpaper #trialseparation #25Hours

@NadiaKamil @jlukeroberts you've been waiting for any excuse to change it!

@jlukeroberts @NadiaKamil I think I should unfollow you.

102 Hour #5, 3-4am

03.13 Rich is playing pool on the app, in the corner, we learn. By himself, at the moment. But "if anyone wants a game?" he offers. Pool chat!

03.14 As teasingly mentioned earlier, Nat Luurtsema is here, another person doing a Sponsored Challenge that hasn't really been mentioned yet. Though hers, as with the House of Cake, is struggling through lack of outside input. The plan was to learn to be a more sophisticated version of an adult, to acquire a greater skillset over the course of the 25 hours (like Tiernan with his piano self-improvement but, crucially, pie-free). However. Her Dutch teacher is ill, and the musical instrument lesson which was offered was for the Jew's Harp, which does not seem that appealing. An offer of a replacement Dutch person is given, and, as a more immediate fix, a suggestion of knitting lessons are made. "I have TRIED knitting," Nat tells us; "I got a needle in the eye once". A ball of teal wool and pair of knitting needles are passed forward, from a lady with spares60, as Mark eats his banana.

60 Really wish there'd been an opportunity for us all to get to do something with the stuff we all brought with us, on the 'just in case'. Like Mel's trumpet Justin, in his case. Even just the things I happen to have with me*, rather'n packed on planning-for-every-eventuality purposes, make for an unguessable round of 'What Has It Got In Its Pocketses?'

* Free umbrella from a steamer manufacturer, in a novelty pencil case holder with a faux ringpull lid. Bouncy rubber egg. Gold calligraphy pen. Broken scythe earring. Newspaper clipping about a dodgy copper called PC Richard Bent, who stole from victims of crime he was despatched to visit. One ring to rule them all.

103 Hour #5, 3-4am

@sandersonjones Goodbye feeders Luke & Rosa! We will miss u forever. #25hours

@sandersonjones In fact, not really. @mariama_a and @blancheboudoir are here. #25hours.

104 Hour #5, 3-4am

03.17 "I feel like a better person already," declares Nat, holding aloft the knitting accoutrements. Misha will give her a crash course in using them. And Adam Hess will give her a lesson in solving a Rubik's cube, if she wants61.

61 There is a small subset of comics who can solve the thing, in whatever shape its been put in, key among them Matt Parker - who self-referentially dispenses Rubik's cube solution record facts while doing so - and Adam Bloom, who loves them so much he offers a free CD of his stand-up to anyone who can complete the virtual game on his website: http://www.adam-bloom.com/vcube/virtual-cube.htm. I reckon you can get at least one ponderous Chortle Correspondents essay out of this.

105 Hour #5, 3-4am

03.18 A blond lady appears, in the shadows on the right of the stage, and catches Mark's eye. "These guys are making a sitcom in 25 hours," he tells us, remembering another marathon endeavour happening in Wales at the same time. There is 25 hours worth of improv happening in Aberystwyth. "I'd said that we would set a topic for them. It's been very occasional so far."

ABERYSTWYTH (n.)

A nostalgic yearning which is in itself more pleasant than the thing being yearned for.

- from 'The Meaning Of Liff'

03.20 Victoria is passed a mike, and explains the thing they're filming. We are urged to follow their exploits on Twitter, at @ThespsSitcom, where they are soliciting suggestions for their characters. Someone in the room calls out a suggestion of The Harlem Shake. Victoria says to tweet it at them, in a really specific modern day equivalent of sending a carbon copy of a memo to be filed.

03.23 My camera battery is dying, primarily because I have been taking pictures and little videos, off and on, for over four hours now. Swap in my spare, and nip up to the back of the room, where there are plug sockets and thus electrical salvation; for the next 21 hours, the pair of Fuji batteries are either charging or in camera, a bit of forward-planning smarts that's right up there with bringing fresh clothes, fruit juice sustenance and more than one pen. Despite my pride, I do not then fall down the stairs. In your face, cautionary aphorisms!

03.24 Claire returns, and gives us a Date Update. #3 was Sam, an 18 year old who failed to win the heart of a woman 14 years his senior with a fart joke. #4 was a second Sam, who had set up a romantic candlelit arena for her, albeit in Toronto and visible via Skype. "He was funny but he's on the other side of the world; it's not practical."

106 Hour #5, 3-4am

@yianni_a Latest #25hours calculation. Odds of @zachbraff for at least 1 second are 1 in 111.11111

@sarahbennetto @yianni_a I demand to see your workings.

03.25 Claire is missing a fella for Hour #5. Sarah suggests Claire have a rebound date with John-Luke Roberts. He demurs, saying: "I think it might be another seven or eight hours before I'm ready". Conveniently, Claire DOES have a window tomorrow afternoon, at 3pm. "Isabelle, make a note of that." On it.

03.27 Audience suggestions are sought. Preferably men who are older than 18 year old Sam, nice though he was. A Marco offers himself up. He is 19. He likes football; she likes knitting and cooking. He is the only volunteer. He will do.

107 Hour #5, 3-4am

03.29 With Claire and Marco off on their date, Oli Fisher is brought to the stage. Headphones on, eyes fixed on his laptop screen, he is taking the 'Beverly Hills Chihuahua' task very seriously indeed. "I don't remember what my parents look like," Oliver tells Mark. Oh sweetheart.

03.30 Mark asks if this is his third viewing. "I've just crept into my fourth." Oh, such heartbreak in his stoicism. That, and the sentence "I make the most of the credits", belies so much. "How bad IS the film?" Mark asks, of the 2008 canine Disney smash62; "you can't ever tell from watching it three times back-to-back". Oli gamely reckons he will crack it on this go, really get a sense of what's what. He trails off, both he and Mark becoming distracted by a doggy swimming pool scene. "He's the dreamy one, obviously," explains Oli. Obviously, yes.

62 There have been two straight-to-DVD* sequels! Few of the original cast returned to them! Though both are higher rated on iMDB than the original, both seem, if 'tis possible, infinitely worse! Viz, the third movie is summarised as follows on Wikipedia:

When Papi & Chloe move into a luxurious hotel, his youngest pup, Rosa feels neglected and he must show her how special she is by throwing her a quince.

* STD, in Thom Tuck's acronymising, a comic who made it his mission to watch every Disney animated STD. Because of him, I know the word 'midquel' (and that there's a Tarzan film which takes places during a montage in the first movie), the flaws and highlights in a swathe of undervalued celluloid; am also now exceedingly fond of the catch-all explanatory sentence "because of some plot". The quest is also why I have watched several such films myself, delighting most particularly in the '101 Dalmations' sequel - Cruella has a sub/dom relationship with a spot painter, the puppies steal a London bus**, a bad guy gets a pigeon in the face*** - and the LOVELY narrative arc for a toupee in 'Lady & The Tramp 2: Lady & The Tramp Harder'****.

** Obviously a London bus, it is red and has the word LONDON on it as a destination.

*** To delighted puppy yelps of PIGEON IN THE FACE, a Greek chorus of Schadenfreudic Columbidae- carnage.

**** Not its real title. It's actually 'Lady & The Tramp 2: The Quickening'.

108 Hour #5, 3-4am

03.33 Oli, eyes never straying from the screen, says he had thought about watching Jennifer Aniston’s live action dog movie 'Marley & Me', for this Challenge. Mark says it's not THAT bad63. "It'd break a man though, wouldn't it?" As this one may well do. Mark promises to return to him in a couple of hours time, and receive an update, though worrying he will be a wreck of a man by then.

@yianni_a 'I don't remember what my parents look like' -Olly #onlyatawatsonlongshow #25hours

03.35 Tiernan wants some music to play. James suggests the theme tube to 'Scrubs', in Zach Braff's honour. Barney suggests 'No Scrubs' by TLC, as a just-in-case option. Tiernan is happy with these suggestions, and hurries off to learn the pieces.

63 It is rated 7.0 on iMDB, almost twice the approval rating that 'Beverly Hills Chihuahua' managed. Incidentally, 'Marley & Me' contains the following hyperlinked plot keywords, which allow you to easily find other movies on the site that contain the same themes (e.g. Death of a pet, which features in ‘Tyrannosaur’, ‘Pet Sematary’ and ‘Straw Dogs’). Thusly:

* Dog * Pet Owner Relationship * Hungry Dog * Happy Birthday To You * Florida * Dog Running On Beach * Ireland * Quitting A Job * Death Of Dog * Miscarriage * Labrador Retriever * Newlywed Couple * Swimming Pool * Pet Funeral * Dissatisfaction * Frat Pack * Trying To Get Pregnant * Obedience Training * Garage * Pet As A Gift * Actor Shares First * Ampersand In Title * Punctuation In Title * Dog Humping Name With Character * Based On True Story * Ultrasound Someone's Leg

By contrast, the 'Beverly Hills Chihuahua' plot keywords include:

* Mexico * Dog Fighting * Police Dog * Talking Dog * Chihuahua * Talking Animal * German Shepherd * Beverly Hills California * Pinata * Dog * Train * Title Spoken By * Animal * Animal In Title * Potted Plant Character

It’s possible that the more plot keywords a movie has on iMDB, the higher rated it is. But I will never do the work – ‘WORK’! - necessary to determine whether that is true. Particularly considering I am not currently planning on watching the 35 titles recommended for those who like Potted Plant drama, which has ‘Leon’ at #1 and no place for any filmed adaptation of Orwell’s ‘Keep the Aspidistra Flying‘. Were I currently desperate to light on an Edinburgh Festival solo show concept, mind...

109 Hour #5, 3-4am

@Andy_McClelland I've just chatted to . He and a number of other people who aren't famous but are Australian are waiting to help #25hours

@CeliaPacquola @Andy_McClelland me too me too!! Let's go team Adelaide #25hours I've had to go out for a bit, but prepared for action

@Andy_McClelland @CeliaPacquola A wonderful notion! Although I'm in Melbourne. Like a chump. Perhaps we can get something interstate going?

110 Hour #5, 3-4am

03.37 Still hugging, in the same arm formation, Sanderson and Mikey come onto the stage. Carefully. Their break is SECONDS away; no desire to scupper the attempt with an errant limb now.

03.38 They are eighteen hours in, Mikey knows that much. But when asked how long it’s been since the last break, both struggle to find the answer, "clinging to each other for support now as much as anything", as Mark says. Maybe five hours, Mikey guesses?

03.39 The audience count down to the hug break, and, on "one", both men sink to the floor to stretch out, alone. "They are seven hours away from hugging themselves into hug history!" declares Mark, to cheers. They have an hour and twenty five minute break now, beams Sanderson, hanging off Mark, as Mikey crawls happily into Emma's tent. "Long enough to watch MOST of 'Beverly Hills Chihuahua'," clarifies Mark, with some accuracy64.

03.41 The menfolk are going to go and have a snooze now. This is permitted, we learn. And yes, they WILL be woken then their time is up, so as they can resume their positions.

64 The latter is 91 minutes long. Credits included. N.B. I looked that up, I do not know it from Stockholm Syndrome induced curiosity-piqued experience.

111 Hour #5, 3-4am

03.43 In Aberystwyth improv news, they are "doing okay" and would like a phone call. Mark fishes for suggestions as to something they should include in their rolling show. 'Beverly Hills Chihuahua' suggests one heckler. PLAN.

03.45 Mark is not sure improv CAN be good. Happily he tells US that, and not the Aberystwyth students. Unless they also have an eye (or ear) on the live-stream, at which point they will have heard Watson's insistence we will be alright not watching their endurance performance.

03.46 The call is made to Aberystwyth. We learn that the players are up to Episode 5 of their Improvised Zombie sitcom. "He sounds very chirpy for someone in a terrible situation," reports Mark.

03.48 A recap happens, as does shushing for cast-mates, so as everyone both there and here can understand what is going on. It is lightly farcical.

03.50 Mark goes to give them their 'Beverly Hills Chihuahua' suggestion, seeding it quite sinister. "It's based on something disturbing which has happened in our show." "Okay..?" comes the tentative response. Followed by "you are on a speakerphone in a church, please don't swear".

112 Hour #5, 3-4am

03.51 Their story so far incorporates a dog, we're told, so this works pretty well. We wish them absolutely the best of luck; there are four or five people in their live audience, and three watching online, and what we're collectively doing is equally ludicrous but with more eyes focused in on us. Guilt, here, and a hat doffed in their general nor'westerly direction.

@Andy_McClelland I am already well in to my own challenge of trying to get the video feed to work for #25hours.

03.52 Emma has news! "One Direction, I've been told 'no chance'. But we are still in the running for JLS."

113 Hour #5, 3-4am

03.53 Robert offers me one of his individually-wrapped coffee-centred sweets, a liqueur-ish pick-me-up for this time of night. I do not want one, but take the box, and manage to sleepily spill the lot, proving how useful I would have found them, had I eaten them. Some scrabbling around follows, and the box is soon reunited with contents. Caffeine news! The floor has now had some! I have not!

03.54 "When are we going to have our Poo Anecdote face-off?" Emma asks Mark. He puts her off till the morning. Not ready for that yet. She, in her turn, is not ready for the SheWee either. And no, she is NOT responsible for the contents of her bucket: "I don't know if I COULD poo a lime."

03.55 Emma's laptop was taken a while ago, by someone who asked confidently for it, and she handed it over, thinking they were going to fix the internet connection. It has not been returned. She is started to wonder if that was just a very assured scam. Mark in no way helps dissuade her of that.

03.56 The man sitting behind me, keeping his own eye on the internet, announces that the Nando's auction ends in 18 minutes. There have been 38 bids, and the year's supply of chicken is currently going for £560. Mark wants to get that figure up to £600. It's suggested we get a supportive tweet out of singer Ed Sheeran, who LOVES Nando's. Zoë suggests Matt Crosby as well. A good idea, as the latter Pappy is so devoted to the spicy chicken chain he devoted most of an Edinburgh show to them.

NANDOS HAMPER + 1 YEARS SUPPLY OF NANDOS VOUCHERS (MARK WATSON CHARITY AUCTION)

In support of Comic Relief and Mark Watson's 25 hour comedy gig, Nando's is offering the chance to bid on a specially-filled hamper. Including a year's supply of Nando's vouchers providing the lucky winner and a friend with some PERi PERi goodness every two weeks, the hamper will also be jam-packed with a tasty selection of Nando’s crisps, sauces and seasoning to enjoy at home.

Winner will also get a Nando's 'fiery little customer' bib, a t-shirt stating 'this space is reserved for PERi-PERi sauce' AND a limited edition golden Nando's cockerel stick whose previous recipients included Olympians Mo Farah, Nicola Adams and broadcaster Chris Moyles.

03.58 We are two minutes away from the hour. "PIE!" reminds Mel, along with a chorus of other keen fans of ritual, cream, and the face-based bullying of a Tiernan.

03.59 With Danielle on his left, Tiernan takes his position, on his cardboard, and tries to figure out what pose to adopt. A good idea, agrees Mark, commenting "we more or less OWN Tiernan now". He slaps his hands to the side of his face, the classic Kevin McAllister / Munch Scream pose65. Perfect. "When Tiernan gets pied we will have done FIVE of the 25 hours," stresses Mark, as Douieb clutches his face. "We will be 20% of the way through the show! Some of you admittedly look more than 20% of the way to suicide. But you've got to remember - as I said already - this is one of the hardest phases of the show. From halfway onwards - I'm not even being silly - it does get kind of quite easy, cos you can see the finish line. The next two or three hours are crucial to all of you, psychologically." Throughout this, short inspiring pep talk, Tiernan has had his hands clutched to his cheeks. Perfect.

65 Der Schrei der Natur, but with goggles, no bridge, and an absence of crayon-swirled landscape.

114 Hour #5, 3-4am

Countdown Challenge, 3-4am

Innis Round Time Selection Mark Deeks Score Best Max Carson PUREED QUEUED ENDURE 94 3.00 am NRPQEEUDU QUEUED 638 – 656 PRUNED 740 PRUNED PUDEUR66 ENURED 890 25 7 10 1 7 6 95 3.03 am 890 648 – 666 890 750 → 890 25 * 6 * (7 - 1) - 10 MENSES MANSES 96 3.16 am SMNFEEAJS SEAMEN 654 – 672 SEAMEN ENEMAS 756 SEAMEN SESAME PERVADER 97 3.18 am VIREDERAP PARRIED 654 – 680 REPAIRED 764 REPAIRED 98 3.21 am DBDXEAERR DEBARRED 662 – 688 DEBARRED DEBARRED 772 99 3.23 am TUSUYAZNN SUNTAN 668 – 694 SUNTAN SUNTAN 778 867 50 100 9 9 3 100 3.28 am 866 675 – 701 866 788 10 → 867 9 * (100 + 3) - 50 - 10 CANTAL 101 3.30 am NATAWALGC CLANG 680 – 706 CLANG 794 GALANT 102 3.32 am DBTRIIURI BRUIT67 680 – 712 TURBID TURBID 800 MASSIFS 103 3.33 am SAFOMOSIS mafiosos (X) 680 – 712 mafiosos (X) MAFIOSO 807 OSMOSIS 104 3.36 am NHGLUOUFD FLUNG 685 – 717 DOUGH UNFOLD 813 611 25 75 8 2 50 105 3.39 am 612 692 – 724 610 823 100 → 611 8 * (75 - 2) + 25 + 100 / 50 106 3.41 am DBCGUOOWT WOODCUT 699 – 724 woodgut (X) WOODCUT 830 107 3.47 am NESORTIES SEROTINES 717 – 742 SEROTINES SEROTINES68 848 108 3.50 am TNVTAEIAT NATIVE 717 – 750 TITANATE TITANATE69 856 MENAGE APEMEN 109 3.53 am NEMEPAPGA MANAGE 723 – 756 MENAGE MANEGE70 862 APEMAN MANAGE 712 75 50 8 7 4 4 110 3.57 am 710 730 – 763 714 872 → 712 8 * 75 + 7 * 4 * 4

66 'Pudeur'. Noun, French. A sense of modesty or reserve; shame.

67 'Bruit'. V. To spread news of something. N. A din; the sound blood makes passing through an artery.

68 'Serotine'. Noun. A small brown bat, which ‘comes late’ in the evening and so takes its name from the Latin ‘serotinus’.

69 'Titanate'. Noun. A salt made of titanic acid. Not Titanic acid. Or ‘Titanic’ acid.

70 'Manege'. Noun. A French riding academy. N.B. Manège à trios is three such schools, and is thus very different to a Ménage à trois (as well the former being a Zurich-based folk-/jazz band’s name).

115 Hour #5, 3-4am CLAIRE'S DATE # 5 - MARCO (3am)

Marco was my second date plucked from the audience. After standing on stage critiquing my previous dates, and flagging up the fact that Sam might have been a leeeeeetle bit too young for me, Mark called out for more volunteers. Up jumps Marco, who it turned out was older than Sam...but by only one year. He was 19.

Mark asked what he liked, to which he answered 'football', and when he asked what i liked, I replied 'kittens, baking and knitting'. Match made in heaven then. Anyway, off we scampered back down to the date zone (a sofa reserved underneath the stairs) and embarked on date #6. Marco was really chatty and confident, and like a true gentleman he treated me to a Coke and a gingerbread man.

My date with Marco was a lot of fun. We spoke at length about man crushed, and he confidently confessed to having the hots for James Franco and Ryan Gosling, and we embarked on an epic Guess Who match. I smashed the first game, Marco clawed it back in the second, and going into the third it was all to play for. We were both down to the last couple of options, and then in my infinite cockiness I exclaimed out of turn 'ah! I only have two left and one of them is me! I know which one you are!' which of course gave the entire game away and Marco won. Bollocks. Fair play to him though, although he was a good 13 years my junior, he was a very funny date.

116 Hour #6, 4-5am Hour #6, 4-5am

04.00 We mark FIVE HOURS OF SHOW with a pie to the side of Tiernan's head, it landing on his left Culkin-clutch hand and there getting stuck. "Five hours!" calls Mark. "Five hours! Five pies! 20% of the show! Three or four watchings of 'Beverly Hills Chihuahua'!"

04.01 As Tiernan is wiped clean, Mark eulogises, wildly, over the sun. The fucking SUN! Which will be up in a few hours, and which we should all go outside to enjoy/worship. "Sun, moon, for me that's my Top Two."

04.02 Sarah asks for suggestions of things the Australian contingent could be doing: Sammy J and Andy McClelland are both poised to help in some way. "A SONG!" I demand; Andy and his friends once created us a glorious anthem for the break-away state of Watsonia ("Watsonia! Watsonia! / When we don't eat we get bonier"), and I am highly confident in their powers. Sarah says Casey Bennetto is there as well, her musically gifted cousin. So yeah. Should be fine. This sorted, the next issue is what sort of song; not an INXS cover, it is determined, but something penned for us. An original number, maybe to mark the six hour point, or to celebrate Zach Braff.

117 Hour #6, 4-5am

by Pei Yen (oxymoronish.tumblr.com)

118 Hour #6, 4-5am

04.03 Mark hails the Aussies direct, through the live-stream, to give them their instructions. Also bonus news of his own impendingness. "I'm going to Australia on Sunday. I have a day, then a flight. No joke." It's a lovely place to visit. Mark, so recently so very knowledgeable about the uses of the sun, also assures us that New Zealand is real, rather than simply being a set for Peter Jackson’s 'Lord of the Rings'.

04.04 Sarah says that is in Adelaide, also ready to help. This becomes translated to us, via Mark's tired brain, as news that the is now held in Melbourne. They even kept the name, which is upsetting to the latter city.

04.05 Mark reckons we can watch a video, listen to audio, or just think about Australia. Mark also catches us up with a couple of ongoing projects; Pierre is drawing something called Broken Promises, Andrew has run another five miles, and Charley is trying to find someone who works at London Zoo and could introduce her to a tiger. Tiernan pipes up to say that [extremely tall genial Irish comic] Brendan Dempsey's wife works there. "Do they have a tiger at London Zoo?" asks Mark. "Yeah, it's really shit," Nat hollers, negating some/all the good-impression powers of the wool from earlier.

04.08 Charley also suggests we motivate a Twitter flashmob, maybe for Braff. Mark worries that he will be resting. "THAT'S FINE!" insists Sarah, increasingly coming across as the fan of intense intensity Mark earlier jokingly pegged her as. We do wander any further down this particular Braff path.

04.09 Tiernan suggests we all tweet London Zoo about getting Charley to meet their tiger, hoping that they will take notice of such a concerted web effort. A lady sitting midway back in the audience has a more practical plan: we just send her to the zoo. Point. They are really big on letting paying customers see their animals.

04.11 Charley's Bucket List does have one more easily achievable activity on it: sitting for a painting. Easy. Pierre can do that.

119 Hour #6, 4-5am

04.13 Mark worries that you can't build a treehouse - another of Charley's desires - in Regent's Park71. Against Regulations, or something.

04.14 I realise Mel and Rich are playing phone pool, as Corry suggests Nat and Charley double-up on learning Dutch, which would knock the "languages" ideal off the list.

04.15 There is a suggestion of a 7am flashmob in King's Cross station, with Red Noses to give out to commuters. And maybe the balloon ride to end the day? "Who's a balloonist here?" asks Mark, reckoning "you must ALL be!" There's always Groupon, suggests one audience member, confident there will be a balloon ride offer we could get through the deal-of-the-day website. Mark has no idea what Groupon is. Mark is distressed to find he is almost alone in this. "You're thinking of 'coupon'!" he barks. The concept of the site is explained to him, that they offer group discounts on services and balloon rides come up frequently72. "Hess, write me a Groupon joke!" Mark orders.

04.17 Barney chips in, to tell us he has written something 'Scrubs' related.

04.18 "Emma, you don't know Branson do you?" Mark asks, still preoccupied by the balloon question. "RICHARD Branson?" she replies. Doesn't seem so. But as Fun Editor at Tatler - that's a thing! she's it! - Emma does have a balloon contact. And, if the balloon-with-a-basket route fails, there's always the prospect of helium. "Don't worry, we can do an 'Up' on you if we need to," Mark assures Charley, as though her birthday goal was secretly to impersonate a flying Pixar house.

71 True. Unless you are an artist / design collective, seeking to construct a series of temporary series of gallery spaces, as happened in 2009.

72 Or, as the blurb for their 12+ rated app* has it, "Groupon features deals on the best stuff to do, see, eat, and buy in more than 500 cities and eleven fiefdoms around the world." ‘Fiefdoms’! Suggesting you can get a Groupon deal on going back in time and contracting plague!

* Infrequent/Mild Mature/Suggestive Themes; Infrequent/Mild Alcohol, Tobacco, Drug Use or References. This show would, I believe, garner a similar rating. Right up to the point where Rufus comes back…

120 Hour #6, 4-5am

121 Hour #6, 4-5am

04.20 Mark asks Giles to Tweet on his behalf, about what is happening in the show so far. Barney reveals his Braff work was on rewriting the words to TLC's 'No Scrubs'. And it is announced that the Nando's auction went for £560, and that the next one is for Kate and Wills lookalikes to come to your party. It is currently on £102. No-one queries, out loud at least, what Royal face-sakes would do for you, or your guests.

PARTY WITH KATE & WILLIAM'S Lookylikeys (MARK WATSON CHARITY AUCTION)

In support of Comic Relief and Mark Watson's 25 hour comedy gig, Kate and Wills Lookylikeys, will both appear together in full character and costume, for one hour at your party (within m25).

Date to be chosen by Kate and Wills in collaboration with the highest bidder.

04.22 Yianni has, since we last spoke to him, been busy with his maths calculations. And comes up onto the stage with his flipchart to talk us through the pence-per-pube Sponsorship fee that Rufus is angling for.

04.23 "The minimum amount per pube Hound will accept to smash 25 eggs with a mallet taped to his cock," summarises Yianni, looking at his workings. "If you came late for whatever reason," Mark begins, "this- it is- don't worry."

122 Hour #6, 4-5am

HASTINGS (pl.n.)

Things said on the spur of the moment to explain to someone who comes into a room unexpectedly precisely what it is you are doing.

- from 'The Meaning Of Liff'

04.24 Yianni goes into his workings, saying his first step was to Google for "what are the average number of pubes on a man". The best reply, on a Yahoo! Answers page, was judged to be from a user called bender_xr21773, saying: "In all of the history of mankind, I don't think anyone has ever counted to establish an average. To what end this knowledge would serve is beyond me anyway." "And that's where we come in!" beams Mark, shortly before enthusing over Yianni's use of the word "trapezoidal" in his pubic calculations.

04.26 Markus Birdman breaks off from drawing to heckle Yianni, reckoning him hairier than the average man and thus an unsuitable benchmark. "I've made an adjustment for that!" Yianni assures us, reducing the figure by 25% between Greek-Cypriote and Rufus' Anglo-Saxon heritage. "That's given us 1,800 pubes," Yianni tells. Which works out, as the pair reveal, at 0.72 pence per pube. "And if you put it like that," Mark enthuses, "that sounds like a fucking BARGAIN to me!"

73 Whose ratings on Yahoo! Answers suggests he's a prolific respondent, but while Google will show me his questions - average cost of a COLT 1911 handgun (pistol), why one should avoid grapefruit juice when using E.D. drugs like Cialis, who was Caesar during the time of Christ's crucifixion - the only other reply I can find is a fairly thoughtful couple of paragraphs on the question of whether porn is becoming more inhuman, which focuses on the issues of consent and censorship, rather than a slide towards cruelty in content.

123 Hour #6, 4-5am

124 Hour #6, 4-5am

125 Hour #6, 4-5am

04.28 The Hour #4 maths is on Braff probability, looking at the chances of him appearing here randomly (low), then with an adjustment for Twitter harassment, and high difficulty of leaving Franco, one of the sexiest men alive. The second page of calculations factors in Sarah's certainty "we'll get him". It looks quite positive. For Braff at least. I am feeling extremely sleepy now; Dec too is sinking. Zzz.

04.30 The Hour #5 Maths Challenge was on the pain of watching 'Beverly Hills Chihuahua' on repeat, versus the pain of being kicked in the balls. Yianni's calculations on this subject are interrupted by Susie of the Big Three leaving to go teach. In Liverpool. In solidarity, the other two are also going, planning on being back here tomorrow evening 6.30/7ish. Mark asks them to bring back something from Liverpool. "One of my pupils, possibly," offers Susie.

126 Hour #6, 4-5am

04.33 And back to the pain of watching 'Beverly Hills Chihuahua' on repeat, versus the pain of being kicked in the balls. The former is rated at 0.75 over ten, for 1,500 minutes, or 90,000 seconds. The latter has a pain rating of 0.5/10, but for 0.01 seconds. This makes 'Beverly Hills Chihuahua' "six million times worse than being kicked in the balls," summates Mark, "and having seen the guy's face, I'd believe that".

04.36 The next round of maths will be Nando's based: Yianni is asked to find out if £560 is a good price for the prize (of fortnightly vouchers and a hamper's worth of sauces and crisps).

04.37 Misha has James the busker on the phone. He is finding it all "cold, tiring, really really tough". "Is there anything we could get you?" asks Mark. "A hug?" he requests. Oh, sweetheart.

127 Hour #6, 4-5am

04.39 James is on the Southbank, by the National Theatre. In a white tent. "He's in a safe spot at least," Mark assures us. And the drunks have been quite friendly, so far. Good luck, sir.

04.40 Corry says that two volunteers will be needed for the huggers, at shift change-over in twenty minutes. And Tiernan pipes up to say 1,500 helium balloons are needed to lift the average human.

04.41 Blaggers are sought, to help with Charley's Challenges. Marco and a Johnny take to the stage, the former reporting favourably on his date (they played Guess Who!). They are reminded of the key Bucket List activities: get in a balloon and meet a tiger. "I'd love to have a tiger here," Mark tells us, "but there is a fall-out."

04.43 Talk returns to Braff, the default state now for the gig. Dec quietly notes we should just get in touch with his PR; Zoë, that much noisier and nearer the front, suggests we try to get someone into Friday's press junket.

04.44 Mark wants a wee. "My dear old dick aches," he laments. Marco and Johnny, still on the stage, are not needed to blag help with that. But maybe to get hold of a pool table for Rich? As I noisily point out, they have the dangling carrot of good publicity on their side: "it's for Comic Relief, and they'll be on the internet, which equals famous".

04.47 Nicki comes forward, to photograph Spare Bear by Mark's shoes. As Corry reminds their wearer, and us, that the huggers need volunteers to start at 5am, for "watching and mild feeding". Charley puts herself forward, which means only one other person is needed. As the nanny-wrangling happens, and Nat volunteers self, I rearrange my limbs so I'm sitting cross-legged; slightly more comfortable, and it makes it a whole lot easier for people sneaking in and out of this row of seats, e.g. to write, record and struggle to upload a song every hour.

128 Hour #6, 4-5am

by Pei Yen (oxymoronish.tumblr.com)

129 Hour #6, 4-5am

04.53 The backscreen shows us Pierre's painting of 'Broken Promises', as suggested by Adam, who is given the finished piece to keep. Next, it is decided, he will paint Charley, watching the huggers.

04.56 Mark reckons we need to appoint a Minister of Cheer, to ensure levity. And almost immediately takes on the role himself, suggesting we have a singsong. Ideas from the audience include 'When You're Happy and You Know It', Monty Python's 'Always Look On The Bright Side of Life', and 'Hurt' by Johnny Cash. Which Luke immediately says NOOOO to. Possibly he’s worried we’ll ruin it. Possibly he has heard it enough tonight.

130 Hour #6, 4-5am

@MarkDeeksNBA Six hours in. Down 903-868. Just had SIDEBOOB disallowed. Starting to struggle already.

04.58 Tiernan assumes the position, relishing the last few moments of cream freedom. "This is Tiernan's Golden Hour!" Mark tells us, as Tiernan checks his watch to verify he is as far away as possible from the last splattering. "I am least pie-like right now," he says; "you're almost like a person," Mark agrees. But soon, pie. Always with the pie. "The Life Of Pie," as Douieb punningly summates.

@Andy_McClelland Someone there skype me at andy.mcclelland I have a song for 6 hours! #25hours

04.59 Goggles on, countdown begun, Mark does a drum-roll on the noise-box…

131 Hour #6, 4-5am

132 Hour #6, 4-5am

Countdown Challenge, 4-5am

Innis Round Time Selection Mark Deeks Score Best Max Carson ELECTOR 111 4.00 am CLEEQORLT ELECTRO 737 – 770 ELECTOR 879 ELECTRO HOMERS KOSHER SMOKER MORSEL LEMURS 112 4.07 am MSHROUELK HOMERS 743 – 776 HOMERS 885 KHOUMS MOUSER SULKER LUSHER LOUSER CRETINOUS COUNTRIE 113 4.10 am SUTORECIN COUNTRIES 761 – 794 COUNTRIES 903 S NEUROTICS 114 4.13 am RDPRIEERM PERIDERM 769 – 802 PERIDERM PERIDERM 911 858 25 100 75 3 5 115 4.16 am 858 779 – 812 858 921 5 → 858 5 * (100 + 75) - (25 - 3 - 5) 116 4.18 am SKLQEUULD QUELLS 785 – 818 QUELLS SKULLED 928 MAGICAL 117 4.20 am LUGICASMA MAGICAL 792 – 825 MUSICAL CALAMUS 935 MUSICAL 118 4.23 am FNJVAIUNA INFAUNA 799 – 825 FAUNA INFAUNA 942 BLOATED LOCATED 119 4.25 am DABECOGLT BLOATED 806 – 832 LOCATED 949 GLOATED GELCOAT 408 100 50 6 6 5 3 120 4.29 am 408 816 – 842 408 959 → 408 3 * (100 + 6 * 6)

OUTSIT 121 4.35 am VOTITUSUT OUTSIT 822 – 848 OUTSIT 965 TUTTIS 122 4.38 am RSSMOAEAF femoras (X) 822 – 855 AMASSER AMASSER 972 HEPTANE 123 4.40 am HAPEWATNE HEPTANE 829 – 862 HEPTANE 979 WHEATEN 124 4.42 am HGTWEAOYX TOWAGE 835 – 862 WHEAT TOWAGE 985 25 5 4 7 8 4 692 125 4.45 am 692 845 – 872 692 995 → 692 25 * 4 * 7 - 8 126 4.46 am RRSPAIENM MARINERS 853 – 880 MARINERS MARINERS 1003 REPEATER REPEATE 127 4.48 am PANERETRE REPENTER 861 – 888 REPARTEE 1011 R REPENTER GLADDEN FLANGED 128 4.52 am DGFLAEODN FONDLED 868 – 895 FONDLED DANGLED 1018 FONDLED GLADDON 129 4.56 am DIBOSEBNO sideboob (X) 868 – 903 NOBODIES NOBODIES 1026 413 25 75 8 5 4 7 130 4.58 am 413 878 – 913 413 1036 → 413 4 * (75 + 25) + 8 + 5

133 Hour #6, 4-5am CLAIRE'S DATE # 6 - OLI (4am)

My date with Oli came about thanks to the match-making skills of the folks on the BBC Comedy Twitter team. Oli was a fellow 25 hours challenger who had, in my humble opinion, one of the hardest tasks there. For twenty five hours solid, he had to sit and watch the Walt Disney film Beverley Hills Chihuahua over and over again in the boiler room in the bowels of the Pleasance. The poor poor bastard. The BBC Comedy guys tweeted him to see if he'd be up for a date, and when he agreed they gave me a couple of Kit Kats to take down as a gift, and I went and joined him. Even at 4am, having only endured 5 hours of what can only be described as the worst film in the entire world, he was hanging on to his sanity by a thread. But behind the hollow husk of a man addled by a film devoted to the most irritating of all God's creatures was an extraordinarily good sense of humour. For that hour I was absorbed into the world of Chloe, voiced by Drew Barrymore who had evidently fallen on hard times since her 50 First Dates days, and I got to experience one of the more surreal hours of my life.

Kit Kats were consumed, Oli generously leant me his phone to check the IMDB rating of the film (3.6 in case you were wondering, which quite frankly is over generous by about 2.6 points) and the time analysing the finer nuances of the film just flew by. As a parting gift, Oli kindly let me have his spare copy of the Beverley Hills Chihuahua, and I pledged to follow Chloe's onward journey by watching the sequels. Since the date, BBC Comedy have been trying to engineer a second date involving a Kit Kat chunky and the next instalment of the BHC dynasty, but both Oli and I are tentative that it might just be too much too soon.

134 Hour #7,5-6am Hour #7, 5-6am

05.00 Tiernan is pied UNDER the chin, spattering shirt, beard and the end of his nose. So much taken on the chin today. A pun he misses - or maybe is man enough to eschew the temptation of - so set is he on using his time in the spotlight to ask for help. Using a microphone that Mark holds for him, to save it from a sticky fate, he tells us: "I've hit a bit of piano wall, cos Chapter 6 is really hard, so if anyone would like to help me…?"

05.01 Mark reads a text from Tim Key, who has gone home, having quietly lasted four hours in the gig.

05.02 It is decided that the song we will sing is Katrina & The Waves' 'Walking On Sunshine'. Giles will get the lyrics onscreen for us. "Also get us Braff will you mate?" calls Mark. Cheers!

05.03 Emma suggests we try to get some West End musical stars to come down, after their show. "In terms of a celebrity we can hound…" muses Mark, prompting much inverted comma fun from Barney. 'Hound', eh!? 'HOUND!'

135 Hour #7,5-6am

05.04 We are reminded that Jonathan Ross is a maybe. And then Kate announces the McClelland has his song ready for us, and is asking that we Skype him. Mark gets someone on this.

05.06 Mark's shoelaces are coming undone. Zoë ties them for him, it being important he stays both upright and visible. "Do you like it in a double knot?" she checks; he prefers single. "That's why they're coming undone!" she admonishes.

05.07 Corry brings Markus a cushion, for his knees, the man still quietly just getting on with drawing out a mural on a sheet of paper that's just about as wide as the stage. As she does so, Mark reminds us we need to be thinking of lessons for the Primary School kids to do tomorrow.

05.08 "If you're feeling a bit lacklustre," says Mark, "you can do what Barney just did and hit yourself in the face a bit."

05.09 Emma reminds us that Andy Riley is coming in at 7am, to draw some Bunny Suicide cartoons live onstage. Also Mark tells us he is going to change his name to "Dave Groupon", once back from his Groupon-powered Ibiza holiday. I fail to make a note of that in To Do list in the back of my book.

@adamhess1 So many people in this audience are knitting this is like a Wonga advert #25hours

136 Hour #7,5-6am

05.11 Mark does a Happiness Check on the audience's onesie wearers. There's a 9/10 and a 5/10. Tiernan, by now a onesie expert, has some tips for them: "what really helps is covering yourself in cream". Yup guys. Get on that.

05.13 Mark asks Hess for a Groupon joke. We will have it in six more hours. Apparently. Adam says he's only allowed to do 30 tweets an hour, or he'll be cut off by Twitter. The photo lady says she got banned for putting up so many photos. "Are you sure it was the number of Tweets and not cockshame?" checks Mark.

137 Hour #7,5-6am

05.15 Skype magic happens, and we get through to Andy McClelland. Beaming in a sun-filled room, with an excellent beard. And so resolutely upbeat, still; an unacknowledged Minister of Cheer, if ever there was one. "It's difficult for me to hear what you're saying," Andy beams, "but you're saying it well."

05.16 It's SUMMER there. "Isn't the sun AMAZING!" says Andy, call-backily74.

05.17 "You'll know how we are," says Mark, turning to face the screen as though Andy can see him from there. "We're sort of a bit, uh, a bit ODD." There is a brief delay, as this sentence is beamed 10,500 miles away75. "Well, certainly! It's entirely exhausting, and in many ways futile, but sort of DELIGHTFUL." "Actually this is for charity," Mark tells him, "so for once in my life this is not futile. Not technically." Andy breaks out into a glorious smile, agreeing "it's WONDERFUL".

05.18 "Can you just prove you're in Australia by holding up a koala or something like that," Mark asks him. He reaches for a bobblehead bust of - "close enough Austria, Australia!" affirms Watson - and then turns his laptop round, to show us a beautifully sunny street outside the window. "That's Australia!" coos Mark. "That's the actual sun! I've got no real opinions about the sun!" Heh. "Thankyou Andrew, that was both a real treat for the audience and a tantalising glimpse of something we haven't seen for a while."

05.19 Andy does have a song for us. He wrote it by himself, he says, apologetically: both Celia Pacquola and Sammy J, so up for being involved, were "at the shops" when the mission came through. If anything, Mark tells him, that makes Andy's efforts all the more miraculous. (Mark is still holding the sound machine, btw.)

74 Given the success of 'Twilight' fanfiction erotica '50 Shades of Grey', and Dan Brown's oeuvre (writing that has happily summated as "the famous man looked at the red cup"), I reckon I can more than get away that sort of writing laziness. Unless doing it on purpose takes away all get-out clauses; if your output is dreadful but it's the best you can do you are looked on with greater kindness than if you are deliberately bad.

75 We are living in the FUTURE.

138 Hour #7,5-6am

05.20 The song is sung "to the tune of 'Down Under', that CLASSIC". We approve. Though Mark notes the song is tinged with tragedy now - something we will come on to later - Andy had good reason to use it; "apparently Zach Braff loves , lead singer of Men at Work"76.

@TiernanDouieb #pieano update: My left hand is shit so Ive been taught how to play 'Patience' by Take That instead. It's easy. Barlow's rubbish #25Hours

05.21 The idea seems to be that we all sing along together. This supercedes the notion of a mass sing- along version of 'Walking On Sunshine'. Also from all other preoccupations. "I'm going to message the lyrics to Giles," promises Andy. "Giles would like that," says Mark, somewhat disingenuously, "he doesn't have much on." Andy is very keen we don't lose anything - "the structure is magnificent and complicated" - and without the lyrics we may not follow it. As Andy busily does that, Mark recaps the song, singing an extract for us, and then telling us of the copyright ruling that said the flautist had nicked the trill at the song's start, and that he killed himself last year77. "I'm not saying that to deflate you, but this will sort of be a tribute to an Australian music legend."

76 A fact subsequently verified on Hay's own website. In 2003, Hay was even IN an episode of 'Scrubs', singing 'Overkill'. Like 'There's Something About Mary' troubadour Jonathan Richman. But with more singing in cupboards, and the hospital morgue.

77 As the BBC reported in April 2012:

Men At Work flautist Greg Ham has been found dead at his Melbourne home.The 58-year-old will be remembered for playing the famous flute riff from the band's biggest hit, Down Under…

In 2010 Australia's Federal Court ruled band members partly copied the children's folk tune Kookaburra Sits in the Old Gum Tree, penned more than 75 years ago. Last year, EMI lost an appeal against the ruling and, along with songwriters Colin Hay and Ron Strykert, were ordered to pay 5% of the song's royalties since 2002 - as well as future earnings - to the folk song's copyright owners.

Ham said at the time that he was shattered by the ruling, telling Fairfax Media: "It will be the way the song is remembered and I hate that. I'm terribly disappointed that that's the way I'm going to be remembered - for copying something."

139 Hour #7,5-6am

05.23 A large amount of fannying about happens, with the lyrics. Getting them onto Giles' computer doesn't actually help with regards getting them on the backscreen, as they're not the same machine. There is some suggestion that maybe we could write them out on a large piece of paper - hullo, the mural sheet - or even just look them up ourselves, but it's easier to dispense with the faff and just have Andy go for it solo78. Mark takes the opportunity to nip off for a wee.

05.25 Andy sings us his new song. "Can you hear the slap of custard pies? Six so far means we've shortened our lives! By six pies!" His muppetationalness is noted by Robert, my right-side seating companion. Yes indeed! It's the dancing, the upper body side-to-side counterbalanced by a waggly head. And the rods operating his arms open-mouthed delight in all things.

05.27 He rhymes "language (Dutch)" with "pie-based carnage". It is a very .

78 Although, for posterity, here they are, with the Men at Work originals on the right so you can see the niftiness in what Andy’s done...

In the shadow of Red Nose Day, Traveling in a fried-out combie There's a room in London full of Zombies. On a hippie trail, head full of zombie For far too long, they sit and laugh, I met a strange lady, she made me nervous And they're desperate to see Zach Braff She took me in and gave me breakfast

And they say, And she said, “We're here for 25 hours. "Do you come from a land down under? At the mercy of fine oratorical powers. Where women glow and men plunder? Can you hear, the slap of custard pies? Can't you hear, can't you hear the thunder? Six so far means we've shortened all our lives. You better run, you better take cover." BY SIX PIES!"

Slapping eggs with a dick based mallet! Buying bread from a man in Or making mural with a monochromatic He was six-foot-four and full of muscles palette, Nat Luurtsema can't speak another language! I said, "Do you speak-a my language?" But Mark Watson just brings on the pie based He just smiled and gave me a vegemite carnage. sandwich

We said And he said, “We're here for 25 hours. "I come from a land down under At the mercy of fine oratorical powers. Where beer does flow and men chunder Can you hear, the slap of custard pies? Can't you hear, can't you hear the thunder? Six so far means we've shortened all our lives. You better run, you better take cover." BY SIX PIES!"

140 Hour #7,5-6am

05.28 Mark returns to the stage, and joins with us in thanking the McClelland. He didn't have his wee, in the end. The tactic of walking confidently around backstage trusting you will find a toilet did not pay off; he ended up in a store cupboard ("thought about it - didn't") and is still holding it in. Anyway. Goodbye Andy! "We will come for you again," promises Mark. "Sounds a little creepy," says Andy, "but I'll look forward to it."

@Andy_McClelland Well that was an awful lot of fun. #25hours

05.29 Mark really does want a wee. Maybe a return of the traditional game of Chinese Pisspers (whereby the toilet time is covered by a passed-on sentence we can misconstrue)? Emma also very much wants a wee. She wants a wee enough to be seriously contemplating doing so onstage. And does a straw-poll with us, over whether or not she should use the vajazzled SheWee she is planning on auctioning. "Trading Standards!" wails Nat, pertinently. Mark says that no-one should piss in auction pieces. The pair have an excellent point.

141 Hour #7,5-6am

05.30 People chant at Emma to have a wee. Emma does just that. But behind the modesty-enhancing mural, which is raised up as a sort of barricade, across the stage. Because, by the conditions of her Challenge, she CANNOT leave the stage.

05.31 I also have my first wee of the show. But I leave the room to do so. And get to make use of a toilet, rather than lady-pipe-and-bucket combination.

142 Hour #7,5-6am

05.35 A lady called Karen brings Emma some handgel. "There's possible wee on the floor," cautions Mark, and all eyes are drawn to a small damp patch of stage. Mark mistakenly calls the handgel donor 'Ruth'. And swiftly remedies the error. “Ruth’. Meaning 'merry', or 'Karen'."

@EmmaK67 Well. There it is. I have done a wee in a bucket on a stage in front of an audience #25hours

05.37 We are now out of whipped cream, for Tiernan's hourly pies. It could be shaving foam, next. Giles cautions against using Veet on his face. "I'd look like a baby," grins Tiernan. "I couldn't find any cream that wasn't in a cake," says Corry, so cake will be the Hour #8 marker. Tiernan approves of the one he has been brought. It doesn't look crunchy, he says. Ra.

05.39 I am called on to recap our To-Do List: Adam's auditions, Barney's song, the school lesson plan, eBay auctions, and the poo anecdotes. Pretty much.

05.41 The next thing we do, then, will be whittle down the collection of 'Last Leg' contestants. And, because the TV spot is centred around the Italian comedian-turned-politician, Mark determines to theme our competition thusly. With a round of 'Impress An Italian'.

143 Hour #7,5-6am

05.43 Are there any Italians in the room? Sort of. Three people of Italian extraction volunteer themselves, providing "one and a half Italians", one of whom - Gemma - is also a contestant. But it's determined that that is fine. She can judge herself, in an Italian Accent Off, and then judge others.

05.46 The contestants make their way to the stage, Mark happily calling all the men Kirsty, the go-to Lorem Ipsum of unmemorable monikers. Sleepy Dec reckons he's likely to go home for a bit - but you'll miss Ben! - to do some work and then return, offering to come back via Tesco. Do I want anything? "Caffeinated red fruit, please." He patiently informs me such a thing does not exist. I scale the request down. "Red fruit please." Raspberries or strawberries, preferably raspberries. Thankye!

05.50 Gemma, judged by Marco and the other half Italian, passes with flying colours. It's not even perve bias, this time round; her Italian is terrific. Some of the others, less so.

05.52 Josh is NOT through to the next round.

144 Hour #7,5-6am

05.53 Zoë has her turn, and the judges decide they need more time to deliberate. Dawn, Finian, Kate, Saskia, Kirsty and Kirsty all have their go; a verdict will follow thereafter. Some are hindered by their never having been to Italy, let alone their lack of the language skills. Quite a few of us have never been to Italy; Mark is quite surprised. Revelation fun!

145 Hour #7,5-6am

05.58 "I've just had a tweet from Chris Jones," announces Emma, "asking if the half-Italian girl is single". Gemma laughs, bashful, but says yes. And yes, she DOES want to see his avatar. A lot of people want to see his avatar. "HELLO!" summates Adam. "He passes the Hess test," notes Mark.

05.59 "One person is not only watching on the internet, but wanking," summarises Mark, as Tiernan readies for the next pie. Good.

146 Hour #7,5-6am

Countdown Challenge, 5-6am

Round Time Selection Mark Deeks Score Innis Carson Best Max ENTICES 131 5.01 am SETICENUT ENTICES 885 – 920 ENTICES 1043 NETTIES RESPIRED 132 5.03 am SRZREEIDP RESPIRED 893 – 928 REPRISED 1051 REPRISED AMOROSO 133 5.06 am ROROMOSNA MORONS 893 – 935 MAROONS MARRONS 1058 MAROONS FACIES 134 5.09 am JFMSAEICP campies (X) 893 – 935 campies (X) APICES 1064 SCAMPI 440 100 50 75 25 1 135 5.11 am 440 903 – 945 440 1074 8 → 440 8 * (50 + 100 / 25 + 1) 136 5.15 am TTTVIOUOT TOOT 903 – 950 TUTTI TUTTI 1079 137 5.17 am NEVIRESPN PENNIES 910 – 957 SPINNER NERVINES 1087 138 5.19 am MRYXIEINT INTERMIX 918 – 957 MINTIER INTERMIX 1095 139 5.21 am WAHUBEBCT BETCHA 924 – 957 BUTCH BETCHA 1101 100 25 4 5 7 4 659 140 5.24 am 659 934 – 967 659 1111 → 659 7*100-(25+4*4) 141 5.27 am LEDIGEFNC FLEECING 942 – 975 FLEECING FLEECING 1119 DOUBLED 142 5.28 am GBDLIEUDO DOUBLED 949 – 982 DOUBLED BLUDGED 1126 OBLIGED 143 5.30 am GULULIKQE GUILE 954 – 987 QUILL LIGULE 1132 SOLIDUS 144 5.32 am SLDDOIUSU SOLIDUS 961 – 994 SOLIDUS 1139 DULOSIS 75 2 7 10 6 1 130 145 5.35 am 130 971 – 1004 130 1149 → 130 2 * (75 - 10) THONGED HIDEOUT 146 5.37 am NTGDUOIHE DOUTING 978 – 1011 THONGED 1156 TOUGHEN DOUTING 147 5.40 am PAFEMEPEN APEMEN 984 – 1017 APEMEN APEMEN 1162 TRAINERS NARRATES 148 5.43 am RSNRAIETA NARRATES 992 – 1025 NARRATES 1170 ARTESIAN TERRAINS OUTSELL 149 5.47 am TUWOSULEL OUTSELL 999 – 1032 LUTEOUS 1177 LUTEOUS 50 25 8 1 9 3 1009 – 122 150 5.49 am 122 122 1187 → 122 1042 8 * 9 + 50 FLEDGE 1015 – DEFILE 151 5.53 am FIGELEDBH BELIEF FLEDGE 1193 1048 BELIEF EDIBLE MIZUNA 1021 – 152 5.55 am ZRPWAUINM UNWRAP UNWRAP UNWRAP 1199 1054 INWRAP 1028 – LIBERTY 153 5.58 am RIYETEGBL BEERILY TREBLE 1206 1054 BEERILY

147 Hour #7,5-6am CLAIRE'S DATE # 7 - WILLARD (5am)

I first got in touch with Willard over Christmas when I noticed a spike in my blog hits, and saw that he'd mentioned it in something he'd written for the Telegraph online. I tweeted to say thanks, and then after that we stayed in touch. He had enjoyed reading 52 First Dates, so much so that he'd then decided to embark on his very own online dating project, 28 Dates Later. He'd previously asked me out over Twitter, but since I knew there was a mammoth dateathon in the offing, I politely declined until the time was right, and asked if he wanted to be involved. He said yes, and since he was going to write about it as one of his blog dates, he wanted one of the weirdest time slots available, so 5am it was. He promised to bring cupcakes and bags of icing, and would teach me how to ice, because ironically given the amount of baking I do, I've never once attempted to pipe icing. Willard turned up in a smart shirt and jacket with a box of naked cupcakes, a couple of bags of buttercream, and a selection of decorations and way too much enthusiasm for that time in the morning!

Willard is a very confident and charming man, a natural born raconteur you might say. We spoke at length about the dating blog business that he'd now immersed himself in, and he seemed mildly in awe to have finally met the person to have written the dating blog he'd followed for so long. I was incredibly flattered, but also a bit embarrassed, as I'm still surprised by the fact that so many people have read this silly thing I've been writing, and many of them actually liking it.

We also covered super-strength beers, and I was anecdotally introduced to the awesomely named Tactical Nuclear Penguin, Willard's former life as a barrister representing shoplifters, tractor thieves and prostitutes (isn't that a Cher song?), and the time he spent election night with the Grand Wizard of the KKK. The true weirdness of the 25 hour megadate started to come forth, as we were date-crashed by Huggers Anonymous, bebearded comedian Sanderson Jones and his co- hugger Mikey Lear, who decided to join in the date for fifteen minutes or so. It was clear to all involved at this point that this was definitely no normal date. Although the fact we were icing cupcakes and it was before 6am was a bit of a clue...

Before we knew it, #8 had turned up, and the date was over. I'll be honest, I was a bit more nervous about this date than others, as I was finally going to be on the receiving end of the date-blogging pen, but all things considered (charity, weirdness, delirium and buttercream), I think it went as well as could have been expected. I can certainly recommend cupcakes for breakfast as a result. I must add a special thanks to Willard who went above and beyond the call of duty in helping me find dates and get sponsorship, so thank you.

148 Hour #8, 6-7am Hour #8, 6-7am

06.00 Tiernan gets pie'd in the face, early, and gamely pies self in the face again. Also shirt and arm. He looks increasingly like he has been got by one huge ill and unhappy bird, or a large number of smaller squitty ones79. "Eighteen left!" he beams. "Only eighteen!"

06.01 "Sleeping is for twats!" says Mark. YEAH.

79 Like in the 'Birdso' episode of Australian kids TV show 'Round The Twist'. Very much that sort of thing.

149 Hour #8, 6-7am

06.02 "Simon's got the results," says Gemma. Mark does ‘Dermot face’, as they are announced, just like on the telly. Unlike on the telly, the contestants are encouraged to stand tall if they are through, and bob down if not. This – dignity - is why you have stepped podiums at sporting events.

06.04 Gemma, Saskia and Kate are through. "Will it be Zoë, Dawn, Kirsty, Kirsty…?" asks Mark, trailing a little name-wise at the end. Tiernan plays the metronome faster and faster, as the final finalist is announced. Christopher! "One of the Kirsties!"

150 Hour #8, 6-7am

06.06 The contestants retake their seats. Mark explains Zoë's plans; once this gig finishes, she's going to Bath for the day, to do a stand-up bootcamp, and is returning to Cheltenham at 3.30pm. Eeesh.

06.07 Dec leaves, as Barney pssts to us to point out Mark is still holding the handgel. It has been half an hour. It is also somewhat understandable; there is nowhere for him to pop it down, and I am presuming most brain power is going to Staying Upright and Keeping Talking. As long as he doesn't try talking into it or drinking it, it's fine. We are all of us increasingly likely to just do as told; it’s not brainwashing exactly, it’s more we’re now in a state where it’s easier to be a Pooh stick and just float along.

06.08 Pierre has painted Charley, while she watched the huggers. "It went a bit lumpy," explains the artist, apologetically. Mark is worried about Mikey. "He's gone a bit weird in the lobby," says Pierre. That also sounds like a sentence ripe for inverted commas.

06.09 The next picture will be of the huggers, it is decided.

@TiernanDouieb #pieano update: pie 7 has made my hair the consistency of mud. Learning chords. Got music blindness. #25Hours

151 Hour #8, 6-7am

06.10 An audience member shouts a reminder for the balloon plan. Someone else points out there is a national helium shortage, and we maybe shouldn't be using it for something as flighty as balloons, when science and medicine doesn't have enough for actually vital endeavours80. Though Tiernan has a contact who can provide us with balloons if we do get hold of some of the precious gas.

06.11 Yianni will work out how many canisters are needed to float Charley. Mark asks how much helium is in the atmosphere, and is very confidently - too confidently? - told "7%"81. We probably won't go catch it. Which reminds Mark, "the sun is BAD ASS"82. And later we will go outside, see it, and look in on the other rooms.

80 An Independent article, from January 4th of this year, said:

In 1996 the US government decided to start selling off its national helium reserve at rock-bottom prices, leading to a glut of cheap helium on the world market. Scientists believe this explains why oil companies have not bothered to collect much of the helium released to the air during the mining of natural gas. With the entire US strategic reserve expected to be sold off by 2015, irrespective of the market price, several multimillion-pound projects in the UK have had to be put on hold.

The supply of helium, an inert element with the lowest boiling point of any known substance, has now become so erratic that scientists are calling for a ban on all but the most essential uses – which could mean no more helium-filled party balloons. “The scarcity of helium is a really serious issue. I can imagine that in 50 years’ time our children will be saying ‘I can’t believe they used such a precious material to fill balloons,’” said Peter Wothers of University, who gave the 2012 Royal Institution Christmas lectures.

…Liquid helium is critical for the cooling of infrared detectors, nuclear reactors and the machinery of wind tunnels. It is also a vital ingredient of industry: Nasa uses the inert gas to purge potentially explosive fuel from its rockets.

81 It's actually more like 0.0005%. The sun, by contrast, is about 25% helium. (100% AWESOME.)

82 Capable of mighty gaseous explosions! Not to be stared at directly! Super-hot!

152 Hour #8, 6-7am

@adamhess1 Watson is banging on about the sun god again. Starting to think this might just one of his rallies. #25hours

06.13 Nearly everyone reckons they will stay for the whole show. More than have been to Italy. More geographic interrogation happens. It turns out only one of us hasn't been to France. Mark says he HAS sent someone to France before83. Does the lady want to go to France? No, she does not want to go to France. Mark realises her never having previously been to France corroborates that.

06.15 Mark checks up on the piggyback couple, worried about their backs. "She's still on top!" Jack assures us.

06.16 Ideas are sought, for the Primary School lesson Challenge. Could they name 25 European capitals84? Or 25 World capitals? Maybe we could get kids to memorise them, then come down here and show off? That's a proper old-school - literally old-school - endeavour.

06.17 Someone else suggests they learn Pi – the ratio of a circle’s circumference to its diameter - to 25 decimal places85. Hess says knows Pi. "I know pie!" adds Tiernan. Mark reckons Adam should recite as many digits of Pi as possible, while Tiernan gets pie'd in the face. Double Pi fun! TAU FUN!86

83 In 2006, during the 36 Hour Show, Gareth Gwynn and his mate Tom went to Calais and back. They brought us some soil and leaves as proof, I think. Just like Noah and that dove.

84 I definitely can't. Wasn't even sure there WERE that many. Sorry, most of this lot, if I never Eurocamped around you as a child you do not exist to me:

Albania, Tirana Hungary, Budapest Portugal, Lisbon Andorra, Andorra la Vella Iceland, Reykjavik Romania, Bucharest Austria, Vienna Ireland, Russia, Moscow Belarus, Minsk Italy, Rome San Marino, City of San Marino , Brussels Kosovo, Pristina Serbia, Belgrade Bosnia & Herzegovina, Sarajevo Latvia, Riga Slovakia, Bratislava Bulgaria, Sofia Liechtenstein, Vaduz Slovenia, Ljubljana Croatia, Zagreb Lithuania, Vilnius Spain, Madrid Czech Republic, Prague Luxembourg, Luxembourg City , Stockholm , Macedonia, Skopje Switzerland, Bern Estonia, Tallinn Malta, Valletta Turkey, Ankara Finland, Helsinki Moldova, Chisinau Ukraine, Kiev France, Paris Montenegro, Podgorica United Kingdom, London Germany, Berlin Norway, Vatican City, Vatican City Greece, Athens Poland, Warsaw

85 3.1415926535897932384626433. A number which may be easier to remember than the capitals. Particularly if you live in Mehlville, Missouri: 314 159 is their area code, which means SOMEONE in that part of the US has the first nine digits of Pi as their phone number.

86 Tau is 2*Pi , and gives the ratio of a circle's circumference to its radius, as well as an excuse for ANOTHER maths party in the calendar, at least to those who put the month before the date. 06/28 indeed.

153 Hour #8, 6-7am

06.19 "Where's Chris Jones?" asks Mark. "That beefcake off the internet. I can't wait till he has sex with Gemma." He's in Stevenage. And um, maybe not? Emma is wondering if this could be the first 25 Hour wedding. Mel, a little more realistic about this, is a voice of reason among such dreaming, saying simply "stalky!" Reality impinges on Mark, who realises this whole proposal is "clearly a bit odd".

06.20 Corry offers Mark a croissant. He hears "possum". She does not feed him a possum.

06.21 Mark is still holding the handgel, btw.

06.22 Barney is hungry. Barney says so out loud. Barney is swiftly offered a lot of food, including chocolate cake from Kate. Tiernan throws out two bananas. Neither hit the sleeping Ray. Neither was supposed to.

@MarkDeeksNBA @watsoncomedian WHEN YOU FEED THE CROWD, PLEASE DON'T FORGET ABOUT US.

06.23 Mark fishes for more things for Rob Palk to do, as him, when he returns. Mark almost immediately distracts himself from that mission, by telling us of how Rob has recovered from having a brain tumour. And Markus, still drawing, had a stroke two years ago. "Who'd had the worst thing and survived?" asks Mark. "Leukaemia," offers one man. Emma tells us she nearly drowned. Emma also, off topic, tells us that a man in (or maybe WITH) a beagle costume came to the show, never announced himself, and has just left. Oh, the big silly. She's going to try and get him back.

06.24 With Mark at one end, and Markus at the other, the mural is held up before us, so we can see progress so far. With Mark's - or David Morgan's - face as the centrepiece - it's the glasses, I think - Markus has started in the top left corner of the rectangle, giving us a stylised clock and Emma's tented home in black and red ink. It's an amazing thing he's just quietly been getting on with.

06.26 Corry asks if we want flowers. Yes indeedy. Well, then she has just the man.

154 Hour #8, 6-7am

06.27 Mark checks the name of the redhead staffer cleaning the stage; Brid. Hullo Brid.

06.28 Ben Target is here! Hullo luv.

06.29 Ben has brought a bunch of yellow flowers and a welcome sense of peace.

155 Hour #8, 6-7am

Mark is amazed to find Ben has only had three hours sleep: "I came back from a gig and then I got up for this". "WHAT!?" We are duly impressed by his foolhardiness, and sleepless solidarity. And, I think, his plan as well. "I thought of something which isn't very exciting," Ben tells him, as Mark grins he's been doing THAT continuously. "I've bought some ARRANGED flowers," he tells us, gently, "and I'm going to unpack them and then REarrange them." "Oh that's a VERY good idea," Mark tells him. "And it will just sit on the stage and look hopefully nice," Ben continues. "Yeah, I was thinking that no-one had brought any flowers," grumbles Mark, "and it was pissing me off a BIT." In case this sounds too snarky, the idea is swiftly termed "really lovely". Corry suggests Ben teach the skill of flower-arranging to Nat, before realising she has "gone for a quick snooze". Mark is not sure about THAT: "if word gets around that people 'are having a quick snooze', then this whole thing will crumble. So Nat's DEAD. But Ben's going to do flowers."

06.30 Ben prepares to do his flower work on the side of the stage, but after determining it will only take him a couple of minutes Mark moves the action into the spotlight. "I think this is not so much a thing on the side - this is more a sort of MAINstage attraction. This is the sort of thing where we could all chant 'arrange, arrange, arrange'. I've been LONGING to chant that, but I thought the moment would never come. The policeman looks so unhappy these days."

@TiernanDouieb #25Hours @BenTarget is here with flowers & dressed like man from Del Monte. He will unattached then rearrange flowers. No one knows why.

06.31 "Tiernan, how many flower arranging songs have you learnt?" asks Mark. Douieb gamely tries something soft and suitably gentle, to underscore Ben's work. "There is no doubt this little fucker is playing the piano here!" admires Mark. "For a man who is now 30% custard that is NOT BAD."

156 Hour #8, 6-7am

@25HourChihuahua Onto number 6. This time in Spanish. See how that goes.... @watsoncomedian #25Hour

06.32 Ben snips off the binding from the bunch, and chops at the stalks, as Mark chants "a-rrange" in time to Tiernan's song, striving to turn it into 'Amazing Grace', if anything. A-rrange. A-rrange.

157 Hour #8, 6-7am

"Strange delicacy he brings to this meaningless task," Mark commentates, as Ben fluffs out the flowers in the vase that's balanced on a chair, in the centre of the stage. Lastly, he adds a sign, detailing what he has done. And moves to sit on the side of the stage, with Hess. Yay Target.

06.34 Emma emerges from her tent, in her monochrome onesie, with news. "Mark, I hate to tell you this," Emma tells him, "someone offered to donate ten quid if I lick your nipples." "Of all the things 'I hate to tell you this' could lead to," says Mark, "I didn't expect THAT, in all fairness." Then looks at Emma's determined face, and realises "we're not even having a discussion". It is happening. But only if the cost goes up. "HAGGLE!" They are pricing themselves too low, we reckon. James Donnelly, watching in , has the price upped before his very eyes. "£50 for one", the consensus says, Barney going in strong with an offer of "£80 for the pair".

158 Hour #8, 6-7am

@TiernanDouieb Just played a ch6 workout while @BenTarget rearranged flowers. Now @EmmaK67's been offered £10 if she licks @watsoncomedian's nips #25Hours

06.36 While his eyes are alight at the price the sight could fetch, Mark is reluctant to have his nipple licked onstage and on the internet. But Mark knows that that is lucrative, for charity. The best challenges are the ones you don't want to do. Like John Bishop's triathlon; it was painful, and raised millions for , because people felt for his suffering. Mark is not offering to swim, run or bike - definitely not bike - anywhere. Mark is however up for being sponsored to eat cheese. He really really dislikes cheese. "If there are things you want to see, essentially using me as a kind of jukebox…" Marks offers the internet.

@TiernanDouieb I still smell horribly of whipped cream. #25Hours

06.38 A knitter reminds Mark there is a Daniella knitting in Brazil, for as much of the 25 Hours as she can manage. Misha is now in some pain, doing just that here. "I've got piano back," grumps Tiernan. "I've got very sore tits," bewails Emma. And I think those of us who aren’t asleep - people are really dropping now - are probably a little uncomfortable, owing to us having been sat in this room for almost eight hours. I have taken to balling up coats to give myself a sort of cushion to lean into. It’s not entirely working.

06.39 Emma is trying to get some newsreaders to come down. Also the Beagle Man "feels terrible", and will come back after work. And in eBay news, you can win two tickets to Minchin's Matilda musical, and drinks with the man in the interval, and that is currently on £1,500. Because it involves Tim. "Some people are mental," summarises Mark, accurately, "but I think that will do well."

159 Hour #8, 6-7am

DRINK WITH & 2 TICKETS TO MATILDA - MARK WATSON COMIC RELIEF AUCTION

In support of Comic Relief and Mark Watson's 25 hour comedy gig, you can bag yourself TWO top price tickets for Matilda courtesy of Tim Minchin. AND Tim will buy you a drink and hang with you during the interval - how good is that?!!

THE DATE will need to be mutually agreed between Tim and the highest bidder - between March and October 2013

06.40 There are a couple of other eBay auctions ongoing as well. Tea with Morgana is up to £20587. And the one to be an extra on a Working Title movie AND pay for the privilege - as opposed to being paid for your acting time - has just gone for a whopping £840.

WALK ON PART IN A WORKING TITLE MOVIE (MARK WATSON CHARITY AUCTION)

In support of Comic Relief and Mark Watson's 25 hour comedy gig, Tim Bevan is offering a walk on part in Working Title film at some point in the next year.

Film to be chosen by Working Title in collaboration with the highest bidder.

06.41 Getting Emma Kennedy - winner of Celebrity Masterchef - to cook you dinner is on a grand. She pipes up to say she will take the highest bidder to Jamie Oliver's palace and cook for them there88.

87 Happily presuming that’s the half-sister of King Arthur, thus an EXCELLENT prize.

88 Which, thinking about it, neatly excuses her from the POTENTIAL MURDERER choice of inviting a stranger into her home, or having to go to theirs. And it also means it's in a well-appointed kitchen that has a cachet in itself, and is not too far from her [presumed London] home.

160 Hour #8, 6-7am

DINNER COOKED BY EMMA KENNEDY (MARK WATSON CHARITY AUCTION)

In support of Comic Relief and Mark Watson's 25 hour comedy gig, you can bid for a unique opportunity to have dinner cooked by Emma for the bidder at Recipease

Date to be confirmed by Emma and Recipease: http://www.jamieoliver.com/recipease

06.43 Emma really needs the toilet now. Can Emma leave her tent? Can she take her tent with her to the toilet? It is a pop-up, but I don't think it's wide enough, and with visions of possible calamity - like, say, Emma falling down the stairs - Corry intervenes to say NO. We will also be leaving the room in a minute, to go revel in dawn having happened. "Conga?" goes one suggestion. "Yes, conga, probably the most effective way of leaving the building."

06.45 News comes in that Dean Houston would pay £20 for Mark to spend an hour hugging someone. Hmmmmmmm.

06.49 We go outside. It is raining. The sun hasn't so much got its hat on as its grumpy balaclava. Am very glad of my coat, with its ludicrous hood (that I can pull down entirely over my face, for those times where I want to look like one of the Nazgul/Dementors). Swoosh my way down the steps, to stand on the cobbles, and really get into Milling Around.

06.52 Now we're outside, as Mark hollers from the balcony steps, some people can "abscond" without drawing undue attention to themselves. Outside admiring the SUN, was the idea. But it is not directly visible, behind a thick blanket of drizzly cloud. "As it is, you can see what you've been missing: FUCK ALL!" One of the Countdown fellows pops his head out of the door behind myself and Mel, to find out what is happening. We’re just turning against the sun. Also hullo.

06.54 "The weather in this country is not good enough," rails Mark, "that's why we go indoors". And then we all do just that, heading into the boiler room that's been taken over as The Countdown Bunker. Albeit with Oli in one corner, stoically getting on with his dog-based Clockwork Orange project.

161 Hour #8, 6-7am

06.56 Innis and Mark are still playing Countdown, with Zarte running things. There are only seven points between them. They are eight hours in. That is kind of amazing.

162 Hour #8, 6-7am

Countdown Challenge, 6-7am

Innis Round Time Selection Mark Deeks Score Best Max Carson MINDERS 154 6.00 am DRRMEIISN REMINDS 1035 – 1061 MINDERS INSIDER 1213 REMINDS 50 4 7 5 4 6 982 155 6.04 am 982 1045 – 1071 982 1223 → 982 4*(5*50-(7-4))-6 DILDOS 156 6.05 am SDLDUIUNO DILDOS 1051 – 1077 DILDOS 1229 UNSOLD MUNSIFS MINUSES 157 6.07 am SENIPUFMS INFUSES 1058 – 1077 fuminess (X) 1236 INFUSES SUPINES CANING ANGINA 158 6.10 am PNNGAIAQC PACING 1064 – 1083 PACING 1242 PACING CAPING TANKERED 159 6.13 am NEBAKEDRT BANTERED 1072 – 1091 BANTERED 1250 BANTERED 100 75 6 6 2 569 160 6.15 am 569 1082 – 1101 569 1260 3 → 569 6*100-(75 / 3+6) VETOER VERVET 161 6.27 am TETEVOVTR TOTTER 1088 – 1107 REVOTE 1266 TOTTER REVOTE DTRXOOOH 162 6.28 am ORTHODOX 1096 – 1115 ORTHODOX ORTHODOX 1274 G

163 6.30 am RONEPITUS ERUPTIONS 1114 – 1133 ERUPTIONS ERUPTIONS 1292

164 6.33 am RSJFOUOMI FURIOSO 1121 – 1140 FURIOSO FURIOSO 1299

100 4 3 2 6 6 522 165 6.35 am 522 1131 – 1150 522 1309 → 522 6*(100-3*4) - 6 CINEASTS 166 6.37 am SCCTEIASN CINEASTS 1139 – 1150 ACCENTS ASCETICS 1317 SCANTIES REAMER BEAMER 167 6.41 am MERARARBE BEARER 1145 – 1156 BEARER 1323 BEARER MARRER NANNAS 168 6.43 am NNNSEAARA NEARS 1145 – 1162 ARENAS 1329 ARENAS STATIVE 169 6.45 am TAVITETVS STATIVE 1152 – 1169 TATTIES 1336 TATTIES 25 100 10 8 7 928 170 6.49 am 928 1162 – 1179 928 1346 1 → 928 8*(100+25-(10-1)) TITTERED 171 6.51 am TETIPERDT TITTERED 1170 – 1187 PRETTIED 1354 PRETTIED

172 6.54 am DZSSIIEPE DESPISE 1177 – 1194 DESPISE DESPISE 1361

NERENEMG 173 6.58 am ENGENDER 1185 – 1202 ENGENDER ENGENDER 1369 D

163 Hour #8, 6-7am CLAIRE'S DATE # 8 - MIKE (6am)

I can't quite remember how Mike ended up coming across the blog, but he'd emailed me gallantly nominating himself to be part of the blog, and even more gallantly offered to be the 6am date as he didn't live too far from the theatre. There were a few things of note about Mike. The first was his awesome choice of knitwear, which was a sort of festive Aran sweater affair with owls on. Secondly, was the fact he brought along a game called Tumbling Towers which was a delightfully shameless rip off of Jenga, and three, he'd brought me a present wrapped in the most beautiful paper. Shame about the tape though... Inside said paper, was quite possibly one of the most thoughtful presents anyone has ever bought me, let alone from a virtual stranger. It was a TGS hoodie from one of my all-time favourite TV shows 30 Rock, and quite frankly it blew me away! So a great big public thank you Mike from a now-delirious 8-hours-in girl off her tits on tea and buttercream. I am wearing it as I type.

Gifts aside, the rest of the date was fun. He'd been following the dates thus far on Twitter and noted that #1 was a bit of a hottie (Matt, you're in there...he buys ace presents!) and told me that he'd signed up to run the Marathon dressed as a nurse. Jenga *ahem* Tumbling Towers was tricky, as the sugar shakes were beginning to set in and I was not the best-equipped for such a game, although I was very grateful he hadn't brought along Operation. As the last brick was removed, the tower fell spectacularly, and emerged the victor, although I wouldn't mind betting Mike threw the game as a defeat at that point in time might have tipped me over the edge for the remaining 17 dates. By this point my brain was slowly starting to shut down, but it was was the nicest 6am date I'd ever had, and I was genuinely overwhelmed by such a thoughtful pressie.

164 Hour #9, 7-8am Hour #9, 7-8am

07.00 Tiernan gets cake'd in the face in the boiler room - the most Cluedo of all his day's activities - as the menfolk break off, albeit briefly, from their Countdown marathon.

165 Hour #9, 7-8am

@sandersonjones Hello world, we're the new feeders @saritacrouch @suziehussein , excited to be here!

166 Hour #9, 7-8am

07.02 A request is made us of us, for donations to round up the point twelve pence tally the Countdown marathoners are on at the moment. A round-up nets 88 pence, neatly assuaging the OCD tormenting of that pesky figure89.

07.04 Mark leads us in applause for the people in here, and the piggybackers. Despite the mini-heaters the boiler room citizens are cold and hungry, they plaintively inform us. People shed layers to warm them up, dressing the boys in scarves and jumpers. Oliver confirms that he is also cold, but he is now watching 'Beverly Hills Chihuahua' dubbed into Spanish and, as Mark notes, “he has quote 'bigger problems'". A lady suggests finding a real dog to watch the movie with him. Not sure.

89 It is both crazy, and sort of understandable. As I type this, is 14 hours into his 24 Hour blogging marathon, and the tally is at £1480.38*. Which is not as pleasing to the eye as £1480 would be. But it is not sufficient irritant to warrant my giving him an extra 62 pence (or £4.62, as there's a minimum donation limit of £1… or even the truly satisfying £19.62). Not worth the Gift Aid calculation faff, is it..?

* He eventually raised more than £2,500, doing that slow descent into webcammed insanity.

167 Hour #9, 7-8am

07.06 "I bet you know what Groupon is as well," grumbles Mark. Sweet life down here…

07.07 Ray has left to watch his daughter play hockey, we are told, but will be back. News which is of less potency for the Countdown players than the rest of us; they have barely any idea of what is happening outside of this room, and this ongoing game.

07.09 Heading back into the venue, I pause by Pierre's table in the bar, to admire the progress of the hugger art, and then hug away Target back into the city myself. Glad he came down. Little lifts.

07.12 Though a camera came with us, I don’t think it was for web-broadcast purposes. So as the people watching over the internet would not be left with an empty stage, Sanderson and Mikey were corralled into providing entertainment for them. Still arm-lock inter-connected, the pair have been playing Face Charades, in our collective absence. Whereby they give the suggestion of a type of entertainment - like 'The Invisible Man' - using facial expressions and cheat noises.

168 Hour #9, 7-8am

07.14 Mikey says they have four hours left, in response to Mark's question. "Four hours is barely a hug," reassures Mark, "you can do that by accident on the tube".

07.16 Mark says he will come back to me for admin. "I've also brought Twister with me," I tell him, truthfully. (Both traditional floor Twister and table-top Twister, which is intended for dinner- party fun, though I got mine from a charity shop and was - probably for the best, if not the best-before date - missing its chocolates.) "Of course you've brought Twister with you," agrees Mark, unflappably90.

07.17 The hug offer has gone up to £60, reports, if Mark will find someone to cuddle for the hour91. A couple of people offer, but Mark goes with a man. It's less weird, with a man. On which subject, Emma tells him the would- be nipple-lick bidder has gone quiet.

90 N.B. I don’t always have Twister with me.

91 Among many other non-goat things, the money will go towards Sport for Change initiatives in the UK and Africa, funding organisations which use sport as part of a wider programme to help bring about change in poor, excluded and disadvantaged people's lives.

169 Hour #9, 7-8am

by Pei Yen (oxymoronish.tumblr.com)

170 Hour #9, 7-8am

07.18 Mark Watson and Zahid Fayyaz commence an hour of hugging, for charity, in what looks to me like a classic sweetheart pose – arms around the other, holding hands – but my first thought on hearing of the “PMG” earlier was for my dayjob’s People Management Group so my opinion on this is less than expert.

07.20 "We're a third of the way through the show!" beams Mark. He checks on our general wellbeing. Iffy. People say they're well, but Mark says we sound "ragged".

07.22 More suggestions are sought for Mark's lookalike Rob. A book-signing is put forward. Mark is not sure. He thinks it would be horrible for people to go to the effort of turning up, and then meet not-him, but rather an impostor. "He could just go to a bookshop and start signing your books," I suggest. This is much more pleasing to Watson. As is the offer, by a lady who works for Waterstones, of logging in to their system remotely and doing a stockcheck, to see which branch near here has the most copies of his books. (N.B. We are living in the FUTURE. And it, gloriously, still has books in it.) @robpalk Just woken up as @watsoncomedian And I may tell myself this is not my beautiful house. And I may tell myself this is not my beautiful wife

171 Hour #9, 7-8am

07.24 Brendon Dempsey has sent Tiernan his wife's phone number, for Zoo plotting. "TIGER TALK," summates Mark. "'I'll be driving her in between 7.15 and 7.45'," Mark reads, from Tiernan's phone: "I don't know if that's an Irish phrase…" Oh, you ‘HOUND’.

07.26 More updates! Yianni will work on the balloons. Giles will get James the busker on Skype ("Skype the bastard!" agrees Mark). And Charley reminds us of how she wants to have a ‘Chocolat’ style party on a boat. Markus suggests we contact Christian Knowles, who runs gigs on the Tattershall Castle that's moored at Embankment92; Corry does just that. There’s a Boat Show tonight, in fact, this could be all kinds of synchronicitous.

07.28 Charley suggests a flashmob of huggers at King's Cross station, in celebration of Sanderson and Mikey's endeavour. Mark is fully on board with that. "Surely we can get - I don't want to be greedy - 20,000 people hugging in King's Cross." We just need to decide on a location in the station now.

07.29 Corry announces that cartoonist Andy Riley is here. "Let's lock in the details of the flashmob before I get a man onstage to draw a dead rabbit," says Mark, ever practical, even while hug-hindered. 11.45am in King's Cross is decided on, in front of the departure boards. In what used to be the main bit of the station, at the front, before they built the extension.

@adamhess1 Watson has agreed to let a random audience member hug him for an hour. Nobody has ever hugged me nearly as hard as this guy is. #25hours

07.31 We should get some celebrities to encourage the flashmob, folk determine. is one nomination. "If you cut Sarah Millican in half you would see the word 'HUG'," insists Mark, not that he is suggesting we should do that; you can rock without being treated like the seaside kind. Emma tweets at Sarah to ask her to spread the word. Serial hug-machine Patrick Monahan is also suggested, and I text him to see if he's about. It's suggested we also get Twitter King to tweet it; he did such sterling work when we changed timezones in 200993.

92 And who once, about eight years ago, took part in a Christians Vs Lions game at one of the Long Shows.

93 The show started twenty minutes late. After AN HOUR AND A HALF of option analysis - literally, I kept notes* - it was democratically determined we should reset all timepieces, so as a 1.20am start was actually 1am. This was dubbed New Scottish Time. A press release was sent out, explaining how Britain was 240 miles further east than anyone thought, so all clocks are out by twenty minutes. Fry, in on it, tweeted the shock news to the world, just as we were dressing Sammy J in all of our [spare] clothes to send him to Edinburgh airport as the bearer of the news. Although we did kind of found our own break-away state of Watsonia a couple of years before, NST marks the only point a Long Show has formally seceded from TIME.

* OF COURSE I DID.

172 Hour #9, 7-8am

07.33 Barney has been keeping an eye on the time. And knows that Mark has now done 150 hours of UK- based Long Shows, in the last nine years. In two hours, it will be 200 hours worldwide94. Markers which are worth celebrating. Although, as Mark says, "the more you talk the more weird I seem".

07.35 Barney joins in the Zahid/Mark hug.

07.37 An admin update is sought on the blaggers: Johnny's phone is charging, but they do have sources on a pool table. They seem to have blagged the blagging. And are lagging on the blagging they have blagged. Maybe even lollygagging. Tsk.

07.38 "I've just asked Jon Snow to come and read us the news," announces Emma.

07.39 Corry has been set up on Mark's Twitter, we're told. Tiernan's tally is up to £1,300. And Kate reports that and Holly Walsh - currently in America for pilot season - have offered to auction something to help us. Maybe a special anorak.

07.40 Mark remembers we haven’t yet watched the sitcom.

07.41 We do not start watching the sitcom.

07.42 Giles reminds Mark he is to be on the BBC 6music breakfast show at about ten past eight. We continue to not watch the sitcom.

07.44 I nip out for Wee #2. And all of two flights of stairs worth of exercise, to stop everything seizing up.

07.48 Back in the room, I find Andy Riley is set up at an easel, in the centre of the stage, drawing Bunny Suicides to a theme specifically calculated to raise maximum revenue from the internet; they are all geek-themed commissions95. As he gets going on a T.A.R.D.I.S. Mark explains how he's not really a fan of 'Doctor Who'96, tugging Zahid about the stage in an impromptu dance as he goes.

94 24 hours in 2004 & 2007 & 2009; 2005 minutes in 2005; 36 hours in 2006. Which makes a little over 141 hours, in the UK; plus the two 24 hour shows in Melbourne, we are indeed on course as Barney says.

95 A tiny baby in a knitted dress that looks like a Dalek. Artwork of all the Doctors, as owls. A richly detailed painting of Thorin Oakenshield, hugging Red Fraggle. Buffy seeming to rebuff the advances of Twilight’s moody Edward, in a well-cut set of spliced clips. Actual ‘Fight Club’ pink soap, like the film posters. My Little Pony mods for Skyrim, so the horses replace the game’s dragons; Toy Story characters in Grand Theft Auto, similarly. Knitted (Amigurumi) figures of the Avengers, as woollen snails. All things the internet has swooned over, of recent times; find a way of combining ‘Star Wars’ and ‘Super Mario’, without infringing copyright, and you have a pile of gold that Smaug would fight you for.

96 That's basically fine. It's wrong, but it's fine. Espeshly as he’s not on the programme. The new assistant Jenna-Louise-Coleman, was recently asked - on ‘The Last Leg’, neatly - if she was a fan of ‘Doctor Who’, and her side-swerve of a response was to say it hadn’t been on when she was a child. Lucky they never made any more after 1989, eh? Or released them on video or DVD. That would have really helped.

173 Hour #9, 7-8am

by Pei Yen (oxymoronish.tumblr.com)

174 Hour #9, 7-8am

07.50 Mark wants to call Zahid "fam" - as in "family" - but is unsure of whether he would be doing that right, or if he is allowed to use such young person slang. Mark gets distracted by my hooty giggling at him, and announces I have a "cracking laugh". (Heh, even without lights up on the audience, he would know where I was, something I persistently and inaccurately refer to as the Social Echolocation of Laughter.) I, meanwhile, get distracted by the arrival of Eric Lampaert and Paul Sweeney, two men I wouldn’t expect to see up this early, just this late. Hullo luvs.

175 Hour #9, 7-8am

07.52 We still need balloons, for Charley. Yianni's calculations suggest 4,536 balloons, and £4,056 in helium. That is both prohibitively costly, and ludicrously wasteful. Charley suggests the giant hamster ball activity of zorbing, as an alternative. Mark reckons it's a maybe. "Zorbing is basically a balloon for people who don't want to go in the sky."

07.54 Charley has been offered the chance to meet a lion, as the London Zoo tiger is not available. A lion is, as Mark says, "basically a tiger"97. She seems happy with any big cat, pretty much.

@sarahbennetto I've just returned to the #25hours ship of sleepless, giddy fools. I belong here. Also: happy to report that it doesn't stink. #hygiene

97 They are genetically similar, with greater links to each other than a domestic cat, and can successfully interbreed. Making a liger, if the son of a tigress and male lion, or tiglon from a lioness and male tiger. Which is a nifty bit of genetic line knowledge even in their name, making them lightly similar to the Icelandic people, who do not have family surnames as here but instead use a patronymic naming system, with "sdottir" added for a girl or "sson" for a boy. Hence Magnus Magnusson. (In part. Though had he been brought up in Iceland, not Edinburgh, he would be Sigursteinsson instead; ‘Magnusson’ is his father Sigurstein’s surname.) So a boy cub tiglon would be a ljónsson; a girl cub liger brought up by its mam would be a tígrisdÿrsdottir. N.B. The above will almost NEVER be useful to you. As opposed to all the information contained in the preceding and subsequent footnotes.

176 Hour #9, 7-8am

07.56 Possibly the balloon trip could involve filling the London Eye with balloons. Jessica pipes up to say she once witnessed an unsuccessful proposal on the London Eye. It happened to a mate of Zahid’s as well. A woman attempting to demur, saying "can we talk about it at the bottom?" and the man pressing her for a reply, saying "no I need an answer now", so she said no. Awkward98.

07.59 Tiernan assumes the position, a man on his right poised to post pie into his open mouth, starling- mama style.

98 Once, walking from Camden to Mornington Crescent, I got stuck behind three students, one of whom was attempting to explain her own tongue-tied-ness around her crush. “Awk-WARRD”, said her mate, with the stress on the second syllable like they had suddenly suffered a grievous injury, possibly to the ribs. To which the third asked “what are you, Eamonn Holmes?” As though Holmes is known for that. Only he now is. Because that is how I have taken to pronouncing the word.

177 Hour #9, 7-8am

178 Hour #9, 7-8am

Countdown Challenge, 7-8am

Innis Round Time Selection Mark Deeks Score Best Max Carson GAMBAS 174 7.14 am SDMGAAABU AGAMAS99 1191 – 1208 GAMBAS AGAMAS 1375 BADAMS100 846 50 8 10 3 1 4 175 7.16 am 846 1201 – 1218 846 1385 → 846 (10 + 8) * (50 - 3) COOEES 176 7.20 am LSCQOOEAE ECLOSE 1207 – 1224 SOLACE SOLACE 1391 ECLOSE 177 7.24 am NIGOCUNPF POUNCING 1215 – 1232 POUNCING POUNCING 1399

178 7.27 am SWBHOOOTS SHOOTS 1221 – 1238 BOOTHS BOWSHOTS 1407 FULLER 179 7.30 am ROLEFUHLL FULLER 1227 – 1244 HOLLER HOLLER 1413 FOULER 243 50 100 9 7 2 6 180 7.33 am 243 1237 – 1254 243 1423 → 243 2 * 100 + 50 - 7 181 7.36 am TOCIDULII IDIOTIC 1244 – 1261 IDIOTIC IDIOTIC 1430 182 7.38 am FGDTEEIXY FIDGETY 1251 – 1268 FIDGETY FIDGETY 1437 183 7.40 am KONOMAJSR MAROONS 1258 – 1275 MAROONS MAROONS 1444

184 7.45 am MCPNOOEDG GOODMEN 1265 – 1282 GOODMEN GOODMEN 1451 560 50 1 2 3 6 8 185 7.47 am 560 1275 – 1292 560 1461 → 560 (8 + 2) * (50 + 6) 186 7.49 am THSTAEERT THEATRES 1283 – 1300 THEATRES THEATRES 1469 LINEMAN 187 7.52 am LEMICAQNN LINEMAN 1290 – 1307 MELANIC101 MELANIC 1476 MELANIN ARTERY BARYTE ROTARY ROARER TERROR 188 7.54 am RBRRAEOTY BOATER 1296 – 1313 TERROR 1482 BORATE ORRERY BETRAY BARTER BOATER UNBOLTS OUTLAWS 189 7.56 am TAWOBUNSL OUTLAWS 1303 – 1320 WALNUTS 1489 WALNUTS BUTANOL

99 'Agamas'. Noun, pl. Insect-eating lizards; scriptures in Buddhism, Jainism, and Hinduism.

100 'Badams'. Noun, pl. Almonds, in Hindi.

101 'Melanic'. Adj. Relating to melanism (itself the opposite of albinism).

179 Hour #9, 7-8am

CLAIRE'S DATE #9 - DARREN (7am)

Darren was another date that had been referred to me through a friend, and I was also grateful that he'd turned up at one of the more antisocial hours. The one thing that struck me about Darren was his spectacular head of hair. If there was a top barnet prize out of all the 25 dates, he'd have had it in the bag.

He's an actor currently doing temping work, and he'd come fully prepared for the date with a spectacular rust-coloured tiger print thermos of tea especially. It was particularly good tea I have to say, streets ahead of some of the stuff that had been foisted my way from the bar over the previous 8 hours, and it was just what ordered as the delirium was properly starting to set in. I'd been awake for 21 hours by this point, and still had another 16 dates / hours to go.

He was super cheerful, super smiley, and took the weirdness of people wandering around willy nilly in animal onesies, and the human detritus of people sleeping on the chairs next to us entirely in his stride.

He had also brought along the brilliantly named Bananagrams along for us to play, but sadly we ran out of time. And given it was a word-based game along the lines of Scrabble, I'm a little bit relieved...

180 Hour #10, 8-9am Hour #10 8-9am

08.00 We have done nine hours! Tiernan has a mouthful of cake! "One more hour of what we call 'toil'", promises Mark, until we are into double figures!

08.01 Andy moves on to drawing Arnie's T-800, as Mel passes down mini pain au chocolat to us, and Mark gets miked up for the first of today's radio interviews102, as Zahid swivels round him to hold on from behind, the better to speak to Shaun Keaveny.

102 As was subsequently explained on a blog written by Ben Toone, an assistant content producer for BBC College of Production…

It was really important to try and get a flavour of the event, Mark’s stage show and the challenges around it, for BBC radio programmes. I was fortunate to be called in by the lovely producer and Comic Relief coordinator Sukey Firth to produce the live link ups with radio programmes over four different networks - BBC Radio 4, 6 Music, Radio 2 and Radio Scotland.

The link ups, in the main, were live interviews with Mark on stage. Given that producers couldn't brief him beforehand (they couldn’t stop the act and it was being live streamed) and it was live

comedy from a very sleep-deprived comedian, it could have all been very nerve wracking!

181 Hour #10, 8-9am

08.02 Dave Schneider is here! And Mark has real-world news to impart! He is listening to the 6music bulletin, and giving us highlights: the Eastleigh by-election, and the weather, which is apparently cloudy.

08.03 Emma is dancing! Emma has Braff news! Which she sells with some excitement! She has heard from Heat editor Boyd Hilton, and he is consulting his staff to see who will be interviewing Zach Braff! "After nine Braff-less hours we have a genuine Braff lead!" marvels Mark. "Not even one degree of separation away from talking to Zach Braff! Basically Zach Braff is here now! This man is technically Zach Braff!" Zahid fails to look wry about a medical situation, or get off with anyone from ‘Roseanne’. Still. All those things bode well for the next 15 hours.

08.04 Dave Schneider has croissants for Mark and for us, and extra special nutty one, dubbed “the almond king”. It is decided that he will surreptitiously feed Mark a croissant, live on the radio, if Watson holds up a hand into a C shape. Zahid does not feature in this plan. Zahid does not seem to mind.

Fortunately I was in good hands. Steve Richards and Owen Bartholomew from the BBC Radio Outside Broadcast team had the radio OB desk and equipment set up in the Pleasance Theatre’s production office and ran things technically. Head of live events for BBC Radio Peter Griffiths was there to oversee proceedings earlier in the day. Staff from Comic Relief were on hand too and Mark’s tour manager Giles Wakely was very good at prompting him when we were about to do a live interview. And I was always very clear to communicate what was happening with the producers of the very different programmes that took part!

182 Hour #10, 8-9am

@TheRealJackDee There's an audience watching @watsoncomedian for 25 hrs right now. They deserve your support. http://www.rednoseday.com/whats-going-on/mark-watsons-25-hour- comedy-marathon

08.06 We are told that has tweeted his support. Schneider says that he is about to tweet Rufus Hound's cock plans, to boost the Sponsorship tally. Mark allows self a brief reverie, where he gets Rufus Wainwright down to the show.

@ThisisDavina http://www.rednoseday.com/whats-going-on/mark-watsons-25-hour-comedy-marathon mark Watson live stream for his crazy marathon show!

08.07 Mark is still waiting to be interviewed by Shaun Keaveny, and worrying that rude words are being uttered at a time when his parents may be listening to us. And then his mouth just keeps on talking, ten hours in means we’re all basically family now so there are no sandbags of propriety to stem the flow; his mum will be having an MRI scan today, but will not tell him if it was bad news, because she is not like that. Am glad he's already caught in a hug.

08.09 Shaun wishes his listeners a Happy St David's Day, a message Mark repeats to us as well. "If I was Welsh I'd be so upbeat now!"

@laurenlaverne There's a guy holding @watsoncomedian up on stage, and Mark is talking about Lions, and needing THOUSANDS OF BALLOONS

08.11 Andy has moved on to a special Comic Relief themed Bunny Suicide cartoon, and is drawing a miserable rabbit trying to end it all beneath a giant red nose. The schnozz of Damocles.

183 Hour #10, 8-9am

08.13 Giles has a message for us, from the Primary School. "'Morning!'" Dan Woodrow begins. "School people, so cheerful," Mark grins. They are very happy with our capital cities suggestion. "'that's great, thankyou! We'll get learning!'" Mark is full of praise for the man, dubbing him a hero, and insisting: "DANIEL WOODROW, YOU'RE A GOOD TEACHER!"

08.15 We are still waiting for Mark's interview to happen, on the radio. He remains primed to tell the listeners of the key bits of help we need from them: angling for cake bricks and King's Cross huggers.

08.16 It is reported that Davina McCall has also tweeted about us. Mark DREAMS of getting her down here; she can make ANYTHING sound good, he enthuses, even SHIT.

08.18 With Dave kneeling on his left, croissant-poised, Andy drawing on his right, and Zahid holding him [up], Mark is connected to Shaun Keaveny, and the nation's world's 6music listeners. Happily telling the man that most of us have stayed for the duration - woo - Mark saying he doesn't think anyone's left the show for anything other than work reasons103. He's turning self up to eleven, zingy and very much ON MESSAGE, fishing for cake and people to join the hug flashmob; "also, it's a long story, we need about 3,000 helium balloons".

103 A conversation some in the room may miss, if they are right now outside wheezily woozily phoning in sick. Something which I imagined, rather than witnessed, and have peopled like a scene of emergency swarmed by TV news journalists, all standing a few metres apart, each trying to say the same thing to camera.

184 Hour #10, 8-9am

08.21 Andy has moved on to Darth Vader. Dave is still on the croissant-feeding starting-blocks. The gregarious chat continues.

08.24 I get a text from Clare to say she can hear me laughing on the radio ("of course I can"). Which makes me laugh even more. And Robert and Mel too, as I pass my phone along. Self-perpetuating giggle instigation fun there, marvellous.

@ComedySweeney Woke up at 6am, left the house, now I'm watching @davidschneider primed ready to feed a croissant to @watsoncomedian #25hours

08.26 The interview finished, Emma comes out of her tent again with another announcement. "I've got news! Lauren Laverne is currently trying to find childcare!" Specifically so as she can come down to visit us, not just in general!

08.28 Mark asks for eBay auction news. The prospect of Nick Frost making you lasagne is coming up…

NICK FROST'S LASAGNE (MARK WATSON CHARITY AUCTION)

In support of Comic Relief and Mark Watson's 25 hour comedy gig, you can bid for Nick Frost to make his legendary 3 meat, 4 hour braised lasagne, with a tomato and onion salad, and a bottle of Barolo.

Nick will choose the day he is making the lasagne - and will taxi it to the highest bidder but must be within the m25 (Sorry)

185 Hour #10, 8-9am

08.29 As Zahid is released from his hug bondage, David offers round his croissants. And by that I mean David flings his croissants into the crowd, also the ceiling, with more enthusiasm than accuracy. Mark commentates, as is his wont. "A vicious croissant there, skedaddles sideways out of Schneider's hand!"

@ComedySweeney #25hours UPDATE! @davidschneider attacks audience with croissants, reenacting the most middle class example of the feeding of the 5000.

08.30 Mark's croissant-flinging commentary is interrupted by a cheery text from Emily. "'Morning! Kit says hello.' That's my son. "We're watching videos of Elmo if you need something to do.' It could still come to that."104

08.31 "Who feels they deserve the almond king?" asks David, having apologised for the near ABH of one wonky throw. "The piggybackers!" nominates one man, a thing seconded. Mark explains what Jack and Holly are up to, and David agrees.

104 It does not come to that.

186 Hour #10, 8-9am

Better to go over there and feed it to them personally, suggests a lady, than throw it over and have her fall off trying to catch it, as Dave is worrying he might ruin all. Schneider then does just that, feeding Jack in his seat. "This is mildly erotic." Um.

08.32 More news brought hither by telephone: Long Show veteran Emma Jones is coming from Exeter for an hour at about 2pm, and wants it to be the best hour. I do not make a note in the back of my book – it’s not quite a point of admin so much as a hope-infused whim – but there are some things we could do for her. Maybe that can be the point where we find time for ‘Copacabana’.

@davidschneider Trying to feed almond croissant to audience doing sponsored piggy back at #25hours- athon #middleclassproblems

187 Hour #10, 8-9am

08.33 "Where is Hillsy?" wonders Mark, certain the man was going to come back this morning. "He's as good as the sun in my book." Meanwhile I realise I was just filmed by the BBC pulling my phone out of my bra105. Brilliant.

08.34 Emma announces that Laverne will be coming in at teatime. She's asking if she should bring in cake - YES - and cover the flashmob on her 6music radio show - VERY MUCH YES.

08.35 Mark brings Eric Lampaert up onstage, and introduces him to us, as his tour-support and a lovely fellow. Despite his claiming to see Braff, when there is no such fellow here. Eric will be undertaking a Monopoly themed quest today, joining forces with the dapper shoreman Paul Sweeney to race around the city-wide board quicker than the twins can. He is ill, but DETERMINED.

105 A practical place for it, in a pockets-free outfit, with the bonus knowledge that it's a habit which DEFINITELY annoys and upsets Michael Legge. And every so often - in my life, not during the Long Show - I text him to say that by the time he reads the message my phone will be back in my bra.

188 Hour #10, 8-9am

08.36 "Mark!" calls Hess, with Stevenage stud news. "Chris Jones is on his way!" We can't tell Gemma, though, she's asleep. "I don't think he'll mind that," says Mark, lending an unpleasant Assange/Galloway quality to the otherwise perky breakfast zone106.

106 George Galloway thinks Julian Assange is being framed, with the rape case being brought against him. Which is a point worth serious consideration, which the man's follow-up assertions all but guarantee he won't merit. George Galloway also thinks that the rape case itself is nonsense, as the woman consented once the night before, so why would she complain when she wakes up to find he's having sex with her the next day as well? Wooooo, appalling things said out loud at Ronnie Scott's* I have furiously heckled a man over! Yeah!!!

* It was part of Keith Allen’s revived Establishment Club, in which Keith Allen proved he is a dreadful compere (who are the acts, Keith? DO YOUR JOB, KEITH), a mismatch for the building (why deride jazz in a jazz club, Keith? YOU JUST SAID THEY WERE PLAYING DUDLEY’S STUFF, KEITH) and nowhere near as good as Peter Cook (why even allow me to make the comparison, Keith? STOP NOT BEING IN ‘SUPERGIRL’, KEITH). At one point he righteously complained that there are no comedy nights which dare to be experimental, or challenge the orthodoxy, or be outrageously satirical. A position which would have made more sense had this been the only gig I had seen in the last fifty years, and not, say, one that came a day after Chris Coltrane’s gloriously political Lolitics, which is both silly, smart, and only £3 in. Still. Phil Nichol at the Establishment Club was great. As was Dickie Beau’s mime-along Judy Garland breakdown.

189 Hour #10, 8-9am

08.37 Eric is curious about the Chris and Gemma situation. Grubby mime accompanies his questioning. "SEX FUN!" summarises Mark. "There was no need for THAT," admonishes Paul. "Lucky the show hasn't just been about wee so far," says Mark, before telling the boys "Rufus Hound's getting it out later". They know. "That's a good sign! Jon Snow will be announcing this on the news by the evening!" It's all over Twitter, Eric tells us. MySpace too, Paul says. Even more impressive.

08.38 The Monopoly property cards are evenly divvied up, between Eric & Paul and Rachel & Helen. (N.B. London ones, not the cards from a novelty set, as both parties had realised on Wednesday they have a Star Wars and board but not the actual 'proper' one.) Half each, with Eric getting the doom of Old Kent Road. And lightly spanked, by a bagel in a plastic bag. It's for his own good. It's a solid threat of a punishment to loom over a man as well. On another infraction, Paul has cause to yell "HIT HIM WITH THE BAGEL!" roars Paul. "I've already done that," Mark says, "and I will do it again if teases me about Braff again".

08.41 Cards in hand, both teams are ready to go. Eric buys the boys more time, but dooms his reputation, by grabbing a twin-boot and flinging it into the crowd, confident the girls can't leave without footwear. He and Paul high-tail it out of there, the latter looking every bit the young scamp with his 'tache and woollen docker hat. And not quite living up to the look by yelling as he goes: "Eric and I ordered two coffees, if anyone wants them they're yours!"

08.43 Now what? Well. We've got Pierre's painting of Sanderson and Mikey to see. "How's the bath lady?" asks a man. "'How's the bath lady?'" repeats Mark, "haven't done the sitcom!" So much to dooo.

08.44 Krishnan Guru-Murthy, announces Emma, is almost certainly coming. Orr yeah. "He's got more names than you!" beams Mark. "He's got more money than you!" And we still like him! Such is his power.

08.45 David Schneider suggests a Crème Egg eating challenge, as he has a large number of those with him. Giles interrupts with more Braff news; the actor is doing a Q&A at the Regent Street Apple Store at 7.30pm. There is a heavy suggestion in the air that we could just go Braff-napping.

190 Hour #10, 8-9am

08.46 "I need a poo," says Emma, with some sorrow. "I need your permission to leave the stage." Mark grants permission for her to leave her prison of these last 585ish minutes, in order to get to a non- bucket shaped waste catcher.

@laurenlaverne Any foodies follow me? @WatsonComedian and the good people at #25hours need CAKE. Lots. Can you get some to them in Islington THIS A.M??

08.47 We need more lesson suggestions for the Primary School. "People who died before the age of 25!" suggests Barney. This is modified to be 'people who achieved a lot' before that birthday, so as it is less depressing for the children.

08.48 Dec has returned! With coffee! One for him to drink, and one for me to inhale, because while he knows I don't like the taste I do like the smell! (Though I think you ruin coffee by adding water, you should just be able to use the ground beans as a nosebag pick-me-up.) N.B. I pass it on down the row, after a few minutes of contented inhalation. No more than two coffees are to be wasted today.

@adamhess1 David Schneider says he'll eat as many creme eggs as possible for money. Wait a sec what is 'creme' anyway? I'm dangerously tired #25hours

08.49 We learn that Krishnan and Jon Snow are both doing a biking Challenge thing today, so they can't be with us in the daytime. Schneider breaks off from his Cadbury gluttony plotting to ask if they live together in one big News House, and we have fun imagining them just officiously saying "Good Morning!" to each other, over and over.

GLORORUM (n.)

One who takes pleasure in informing others about their bowel movements.

- from 'The Meaning Of Liff'

08.50 Emma returns. She didn't ‘go’, she says. "It was a phantom poo." In less colon-related news, Tracey-Ann Oberman is set to come down!

@adamhess1 Do we have our first casualty? Looks like Emma Kennedy really needs some fibre. #fibre #roughage #25hours

08.51 We are nearing pie time. Even Pi/pie time. There is a small cream shortage, however. "I've got hummous," offers Mel107. "Hummous is nowhere near pie!" judges Tiernan, accurately.

08.52 Lauren Laverne has tweeted for cake, we're told. Mark asks if 'Great British Bake-off' presenter can do the same; she has definite cake clout. You can "mobilise Perkins", as Mark notes "to, in turn, mobilise all bakers".

107 "Love Hamas!" declares Arnab Chanda, in my mind, every time I hear that foodstuff mentioned. Homophone fun!

191 Hour #10, 8-9am

by Pei Yen (oxymoronish.tumblr.com)

192 Hour #10, 8-9am

@davidschneider Comic relief. I've creme eggs, a mild dairy allergy and they want suggestions of what you'll sponsor me to do with them now #25hours

@PaddyBriggs @davidschneider Juggle ?

08.53 David says he has asked the internet what to do with his Creme Eggs. Given the flurry of responses - two, one of which was extremely rude ("up your arse" indeed) - he has decided to go with his own idea, to recreate the competitions he would have as a schoolboy and see who can pop a couple in their mouths and eat them the quickest108.

108 Bonus fact! Both Schneider and the Crème Egg were born in 1963! THE STORY CHECKS OUT.

193 Hour #10, 8-9am

08.56 Giles announces he has a celebrity target list, as contestants start to line up on the stage, Jack Kenny - Holly still on his shoulders - among them. Corry brings on a bag, "for spitting or vomiting". Tiernan will join them, in a situation he describes as "double jeopardy cos I'm diabetic".

08.58 The Creme Egg competition starts, six men with the sickly fondant sweets hamster-cheeking their faces. As Tiernan is one of them, there is no theme music, just Mark, doing both commentary and admin. Telling us Adam Hess is poised to recite Pi, and a pie has been made for Tiernan's face. "But more importantly, all these people, their cheeks are BULGING with chocolate egg. Josh looks like one of those animals that hoards stuff in its cheeks, now."

08.59 Jack wins! Extraordinary stuff! "Jack Kenny has a woman ON HIS BACK but he can still eat chocolate eggs like a mofo!"

194 Hour #10, 8-9am

195 Hour #10, 8-9am

Countdown Challenge, 8-9am

Round Time Selection Mark Deeks Score Innis Carson Best Max 820 25 9 7 4 5 10 190 8.01 am 820 1313 – 1330 820 1499 → 820 4 * 5 * (25 + 9 + 7) DOSSAL 109 SADDOS 191 8.03 am DOLADUZSS DOULAS 1319 – 1336 SADDOS 110 1505 LADDUS DOULAS

111 UNSHAPED 192 8.06 am PDSHUOANE DAPSONE 1319 – 1344 UNHASPED 1513 UNHASPED WIRIER WARIER 193 8.08 am RAWERIXRI WAXIER 1325 – 1350 WARIER 1519 AIRIER WAXIER 194 8.10 am GMDTIIETA MITIGATED 1343 – 1368 MITIGATED MITIGATED 1537 25 9 1 7 3 3 200 195 8.12 am 200 1353 – 1378 200 1547 → 200 (9 - 1) * 25 STATIVE 196 8.14 am VTSVAIATE AVIATES 1360 – 1385 STATIVE AVIATES 1554 SATIATE RESIGNS INGRESS SUNRISE SINGERS INSURES 197 8.17 am SENIGUJSR SINGERS 1367 – 1392 INJURES GUISERS 1561 INJURES JESSING SIGNERS REUSING NURSIES 198 8.19 am DLFLIAOFE LOAFED 1373 – 1398 FILLED FLAILED 1568 PENMEN 199 8.22 am PENOCEKNM CONMEN 1379 – 1404 CONMEN 1574 CONMEN 183 50 25 4 3 5 10 200 8.24 am 183 1389 – 1414 183 1584 → 183 4 * (50 - 5) + 3 OOSPORE 112 201 8.26 am FOGOSOREP FORGOES 1396 – 1421 FORGOES 1591 SPOOFER FORGOES OCEAN OAKEN 202 8.30 am FKNMAOOCE CAMEO 1401 – 1426 CANOE KENAF 1596 CAMEO CANOE

109 'Doulas'. Noun, pl. Birthing assistants, who help the mother to feel safe and confident (rather than be medically safe).

110 'Laddus'. Noun, pl. Indian sweets, made from flour and sugar, which Wikipedia INSISTS Elmo Monster has been seen to eat and enjoy on ‘Sesame Street’ despite being both fictional and incapable of digestion.

111 'Dapsone'. Noun. A type of antibacterial medication, which helps combat leprosy, HIV and malaria.

112 'Oospore'. Noun. A fungus/algae spore produced by heterogamous [union of unlike gametes] fertilisation.

196 Hour #10, 8-9am

Innis Round Time Selection Mark Deeks Score Best Max Carson GUINEPS113 203 8.33 am SEZINUPSG SUPINES 1408 – 1433 UPSIZES SUPINES 1603 UPSIZES warrentor (X 204 8.36 am NTWROEARR 1408 – 1441 NARROWER NARROWER 1611 8) 918 50 25 75 100 9 205 8.37 am 918 1418 – 1451 918 1621 7 → 918 9 * (100 + 50 / 25)

206 8.39 am XVTTOIUTJ TUTTI 1423 – 1456 TUTTI TUTTI 1626

ARREARS PARTERS 207 8.41 am RESARARTP ARREARS 1430 – 1463 ARREARS 1633 PRATERS STARRER

208 8.43 am DDSLIEENI SIDELINED 1448 – 1481 SIDELINED SIDELINED 1651

CURBED GARBED EARBUD DAUBER BADGER BARGED ARCADE 209 8.45 am BARUDEGCA GRACED 1454 – 1487 BRACED GRACED 1657 BAUERA AUBADE CUBAGE BRACED ABRADE ARGUED CADGER 100 75 9 7 2 5 263 210 8.47 am 263 1464 – 1487 263 (X) 1667 → 263 2 * 100 + 7 * 9 211 8.50 am BERIGIYLM GERBIL 1464 – 1494 GRIMILY GRIMILY 1674 CODOMAIN 114 DAEMONIC 212 8.51 am CMDNAEIOO COMEDIAN 1472 – 1502 COMEDIAN 1682 DEMONIAC MONOACID COMEDIAN 213 8.55 am QANITAWTR TARIQAT 1479 – 1509 TARIQAT TARIQAT115 1689 VALISES SUASIVE116 214 8.59 am VSSSAUELI LASSIES 1486 – 1516 VISUALS LASSIES 1696 AVULSES117 VISUALS

113 'Guineps'. Noun, pl. Barkeep on the U.S.S.Enterprise. A Spanish lime, or tree bearing such fruit.

114 'Codomain'. Noun Mathematical term, for a set within which lie the values of a function. A few minutes of flower rearranging is a different kind of Target set, not least as the latter surname is pronounced ‘tar-jay’.

115 'Tariquat'. Noun. A school or order of Sufism, the inner mystical dimension of Islam.

116 'Suasive'. Adj. Having the power to persuade.

117 'Avulses'. Verb. To separate – tear, pull, pluck, etc. - into components or constituents.

197 Hour #10, 8-9am

CLAIRE'S DATE #10 - DAN (8am)

*DOUBLE FIGURES KLAXON* WOOB WOOB!

Dan, a Canadian, was another date put forward by recruiter-in-chief Willard. He'd cycled all the way to the theatre from Brixton especially, which had taken him an hour or so, and the poor guy was a tad pooped. He explained to me at length how to prolong the life of my iPhone 5, which was extremely valuable information since I was on my second charge of the challenge.

The real meat of the date, however, came with one of my favourite topics of all time: The Cat vs Dog debate. I am a self-proclaimed cat person, and reckon I can identify within 5 minutes of meeting someone their animal preference. My first thoughts about Dan were that he favoured the canine contingent, and I was right.

My memory is a little hazy at this point, but I'm pretty sure we started to talk about YouTube videos of cats using the toilet and flushing it afterwards, but I would need back up on that one.

At the end of the date, Dan showed me his spare sweater that he'd bought to change into for the cycle back, and the can of Febreze he'd bought as olfactory back up. You've got to hand it to him, that's what I call preparation! I have to apologise to Dan for the scantness of this part of the write up, but the first wave of tiredness had swept over my by this point, and I was in dire need of some sort of pick up to get me back and closer to the land of the living.

198 Hour #11, 9-10am Hour #11 9-10am

09.00 Danielle splatters Tiernan as we move into nine o'clock. "We've done TEN HOURS of this!" calls Mark, as Tiernan splats himself up more evenly with the pie plate. "And as always Tiernan makes sure no custard is left not on his face." "Shaving foam now!" corrects the soapy man, rubbing it into his skin. He smells nice now, at least.

@sueperkins Calling all bakers in the London area - Mark Watson needs you! Get down to Pleasance Islington with baked good asap! x #25hours #comicrelief

09.01 Emma has news! More news! Braff news! The request for his attendance is going to be put to him directly, by a Heat journalist at today's 'Oz The Great and Powerful' promo junket.

09.03 Adam is still poised to recite Pi, but there is too much else going on for Mark to settle on this one subject. Schneider leaves, and Rob Palk returns, the latter bearing "baked goods" and the distinct Mark-pleasing prospect of jam doughnuts. He has been working on hunching, he says. Very Watson; very good.

199 Hour #11, 9-10am

09.05 Sue Perkins has tweeted for us! And Hills too, promising he'll be back at 10am with breakfast.

09.06 Hess promises he will try to go slowly, so the numbers can be verified. And apologies if he makes a mistake: he is tired! He promptly rattles through almost forty digits - "3.14159 26535 89793 23846 26433 83279 50288 419” - before coming to a halt. As he gets his brain in order to continue, Mark exclaims over Hess' prowess so far - "this man is ALREADY not right!" - but when Adam starts up again he jumps forward by 18 digits - eschewing 71693 99375 10582 097 - to restart at “49445 9230”. Panicking Mark a little as "that's too many fours, isn't it?" though he has no idea. Then jumping ahead again, to a "six", at which he is interrupted - it's actually 78164 06286 20899 86280 34825 34211 70679, etc - and, well, he doesn't take it well. "Yes it is! Fuck, it IS!" he bellows, as Mark moves to calm him. "PI ANGER!" summates Mark. "You did VERY well." The adjudicator explains what went wrong, that he jumped ahead four. Like any coach, Mark calls him a twat, and asks "why didn't you just do them all in sequence rather than jumping four?"118

118 As "3.14159 26535 89793 23846 26433 83279 50288 41971 69399 37510 58209 74944 59230 78164". Or, to give you those digits in piem form that rewrites Edgar Allan Poe's The Raven so the length of every word corresponds with a number in Pi, starting with the 3-1-4-1-5 of the author and title…

Poe, E. - Near a Raven Midnights so dreary, tired and weary. Silently pondering volumes extolling all by-now obsolete lore. During my rather long nap - the weirdest tap! An ominous vibrating sound disturbing my chamber's antedoor. "This", I whispered quietly, "I ignore". Perfectly, the intellect remembers: the ghostly fires, a glittering ember. Inflamed by lightning's outbursts, windows cast penumbras upon this floor. Sorrowful, as one mistreated, unhappy thoughts I heeded: That inimitable lesson in elegance - Lenore - Is delighting, exciting...nevermore…

200 Hour #11, 9-10am

09.08 As Mark says, Hess is not happy. "Of course he's not happy; he's a perfectionist. He wanted to see out the 25 hours with that." But that was still a mightily impressive streak, sirrah. Anyway. "It's about three," we're told, in conclusion. Tick.

@adamhess1 I just recited Pi to as many decimal places as I could before making a mistake. Apparently it's 45. I feel like a mug. #25hours

09.09 Five minutes until TapeFace, we're told. Meanwhile Markus looks up from his mural to ask which foot Adam Hills is missing; is told "RIGHT"; carries on119.

@davidschneider Ta for creme-egg ideas. In the end we had a creme-egg-off against the clock. Tune in online to #25hours. Its fun. Right, I'm off to be sick

09.10 Mark has been given a list of five super-desirable celebrities who are in London today: singers Josh Groban, Girls Aloud, Liza Minnelli and Kanye, and football/crisp legend Gary Lineker. "My boyhood hero," beams Mark. Kanye is playing the Hammersmith Apollo tonight, someone shouts. And that's on the Piccadilly Line! He could easily tube it up here afterwards! Feasible! Also Lineker is doing a Walker's Press Day, as part of Comic Relief120, so he is already that step closer to us.

09.11 A lady promises she can pass a message to Zach Braff this evening, through her ex-boyfriend, who works for the Apple Store. "If not, someone gets on a plane with him," reckons Mark, over-estimating over collective ability by quite some margin. (We can't even blag a POOL TABLE.)

09.13 Reporting from Twitter, Emma tells Mark that a "Mitch Mitchell wants me and you to do a Harlem Shake". Mark doesn't know what that is, but is happy if we get a good price for it; Emma disappears back into her tent to negotiate a fee. Markus looks up, to ask if that's the Mitch Mitchell who drummed with the Jimi Hendrix Experience. No. He's dead. As most people are, says Mark, before wondering if more people are alive now than have died thus far in all of human history.

119 Jason Cook has a mate who once had a gig in Scotland grind to a halt when an audience member took off their prosthetic leg and put it on their head, saying "I'm the Isle of Man". This does not feature in Markus' drawing, as Adam is Australian. I bring it up mostly as I like the idea of a triskelion impersonator. Generally, when an audient is doing an impression of a flag, they are one blushing/furious round red face in a sea of white ones: Japan, in other words.

120 The crisp manufacturers are among several companies who support the charity, having found that it’s an excellent way to both help and be seen helping. In 2004 they won ISP’s Silver Award for Fundraising and Cause Related Marketing, with a Limited Edition Baked Bean flavour crisp (1p to the charity) and a give-away Whoopee Cushion in the multipacks (5p to the charity), plus a guaranteed £1m donation to Comic Relief. The Institute of Promotional Marketing says that in 2004 “ Crisps had 46.5% value share of the bagged snacks market but was facing increasing competition from own label brands”, and that “the growing importance of Cause Related Marketing was an opportunity to launch a campaign that built brand equity and delivered a significant donation to charity”. Potatoes; good for everyone, aren’t they..?

201 Hour #11, 9-10am

I nudge Yianni to get on the mathematical calculation case121, and he duly announces his intentions to do so. And does not need anyone being plaintive about what to include. "I don't need to be petitioned," Yianni tells them, "I'll let statistics tell the tale".

09.16 Mark decides the gig needs someone to be officially appointed, to keep an eye on the eBay auctions. The Minchin Matilda prize is currently up to £1,900, he learns. Good work, eBay factheads.

@EmmaK67 My next challenge is to get one of the following here today. Gary Linekar, Josh Groban, Girls Aloud,Liza Minnelli or Kanye. HELP ME #25hours

09.18 We Skype in a connection to the Boy With Tape on his Face, again. He has a question for us, typed up huge on one piece of A4: "Would you like to see The 'Little' Boy?" Our answer is a unanimous YES. "Who doesn't want to see a baby with tape on his face?" asks Mark, rhetorically122. Sam reaches down…and brings up a toy lion, which he waggles towards the screen. Then a giraffe dances past, followed by a jittery plush dog and a hobby horse, whose motion - though controlled by Sam - is also followed with wide wary staring eyes.

09.19 "That's an actual cat," says Mark, as a feline struggles away from TapeFace, clambering over his back to get away from the webcam responsibilities. "He's working up to the kid!" Mark tells us, as a sleek dachshund appears, nuzzling close to Sam's face, in a way dog owners find cute but others like Mark claim to find appalling.

121 Based on a current population of 7 billion, there are 15 dead people for every one currently living, reckons the BBC's bit of the internet, which I trust more than Wikipedia's. In 1968, there were half that number alive on Earth, meaning Arthur C Clarke was right when he said, in '2001: A Space Odyssey', that:

"Behind every man now alive stand 30 ghosts, for that is the ratio by which the dead outnumber the living."

122 The Hour #11 version of the Hour #5 phrase "Would the Pope like a banana?"

202 Hour #11, 9-10am

09.20 A baby doll appears, and is dropped, as Sam's eyes widen in horror. "TapeFace does a joke where it appears he's dropped his baby! He hasn't!" And then, the onesie wearer we've all been waiting for; Sam's sleepy stripy infant. Aaaw, hullo! "Incredible stuff," beams Mark, as the month-old child is waggled into waving for us. "And now the unnerving spectacle of TapeFace doing physical comedy with a live human." Sam stares into his son's face, and then his eyes widen in horror. "Imagine if that was your actual dad," worries Mark, as the boy is put down, a roll of tape is picked up, and a methodically rigorous piece torn from it. Somewhere out of shot, the tape is applied. But not, happily, to the baby's mouth. Just his jumpsuit. As he is held up to prove. Bless bless bless.

09.21 Proud papa holds up a sign with his son's monikers on it: "Rafferty Basil Danger Wills". That is, Mark confirms, the baby's actual full name. Sam gives us a thumbs up, as Mark points out "that's one of those 'Danger is my middle name' jokes that become someone's life". I think Rafferty will wear it well. We wave them goodbye, Mark promising we will check in with The Boy one more time; he thinks it will be good to get James Walker to interview him.

@SarahMillican75 Lovely @watsoncomedian who is doing a #25Hours comedy gig for #comicrelief wants people for a flash mob at Kings X for a group hug at 11:45am today in front of the departure board. If you can go, then go!!

09.22 Emma has been promised £50 for Comic Relief if she puts a bucket on her head, possibly from someone imagining it will be the waste one. Emma puts a bucket on her head; a clean bucket. Tells us she's been tweeting at celebrities. And encourages us to start dancing.

09.24 The Harlem Shake, as a video viral meme, is one person dancing by themselves to Bauuer's song of the same name, for around 15 seconds, and then a huge load of people wigging out. It's just 30 seconds worth of boogie; Tiernan will teach us. He is our music master now.

203 Hour #11, 9-10am

@25HourChihuahua 7th viewing under my belt. Feeling the right side of god awful. Only 9 times left. @watsoncomedian #25Hour

09.25 As Tiernan makes his way into the audience to stand on one of the benches and dance, alone, I nip up to the back of the theatre, to swap my batteries over and get a cracking view of the melee. While I'm up there, I get to hear an old man, having asked a staffer what Emma Kennedy has been doing, be told "emailing celebrities, having a wee". Yup, that's that contribution summarised.

204 Hour #11, 9-10am

09.27 Tiernan dances like a madman, as the room watches, sitting as still as possible. And then, as the beat kicks in, everyone goes fucking nuts, just as directed. "FUCKING NUTS." Tis glorious to watch.

205 Hour #11, 9-10am

09.29 Retake my seat, on our row. That was just the rehearsal. I en't missing this.

09.31 We do the Harlem Shake. KICK ASS.

@laurenlaverne #25hours guys! @GeorgieRogers is going to see Zach Braff NOW! She is going to put @watsoncomedian's cause to him! Please tweet her so she can show him your messages asking him to help #25hours @rednoseday!!

09.33 News! Braff is being interviewed by a journalist who will ask him to come down. Questions! Hess asks if the flashmob will be filmed. Answers that involve the threat of the police! Yes, says Mark, while noting that you can "of course" be arrested for filming in a station under the Prevention of Terrorism Act123.

123 You shouldn't be. The Met Police's own guidance clearly states that: "Members of the public and the media do not need a permit to film or photograph in public places and police have no power to stop them filming or photographing incidents or police personnel."

Under Section 43 of the Terrorism Act 2000, officers have the power to: "stop and search anyone who they reasonably suspect to be a terrorist", to find evidence to prove that suspicion view the images saved in your mobile or camera, "to discover whether the images constitute evidence that the person is involved in terrorism", but NOT delete images or destroy film (without a subsequent court order) seize and retain anything - including your phone or camera - "which the officer reasonably suspects may constitute evidence that the person is a terrorist" Officers do not have the power to delete digital images or destroy film at any point during a search. Deletion or destruction may only take place following seizure if there is a lawful power (such as a court order) that permits such deletion or destruction.

206 Hour #11, 9-10am

09.36 Chris Jones is here! Barney announces Mark has now done 200 hours of Long Shows, worldwide! Chris Jones is brought up onto the stage, and effectively paraded before his intended. "Gemma, what are your first impressions?" asks Mark, failing to give her enough time to reply and just chuntering straight on with: "same as mine, let's get down to it!"

@adamhess1 Some guy has turned up to the theatre now demanding a wife. #25hours

09.37 "In the meantime don't panic, but Emma Freud's here! Don't panic, but Emma Freud's here! And behind her I'm pretty sure that's Lineker!" It's not. "Made you look! Now you know how I felt with that fucking Braff bullshit!"

09.38 There are plans afoot for Gemma and Chris to be set up on an actual date. "Do I need a chaperone?" asks Chris, surprisingly gentlemanly for one who is here through webcam perving. As he himself does note, "I am from the internet." Credit points are accruing fast, as Mark wonders aloud how he is still single if he is attractive. "I'm very very fussy," Chris tells him. "And yet you're from Stevenage," Mark marvels.

207 Hour #11, 9-10am

@caitlinmoran @watsoncomedian ARE YOU DEAD YET?

09.39 Gemma comes down to the stage, as Mark does his best impression of 'Take Me Out' host Paddy McGuinness. "Let the apple meet the strudel!" Chris whispers to ask her how old she is, something noted and turned, from a moment of decorum, into a game for the whole room to play. Dec guesses 21; I 27; Barney, far noisier than either of us, is the first publicly audible guesser. And he's also right, with his offer of "24?" Good game, guys, good game. "It's so hot now that I feel ill," worries Mark.

208 Hour #11, 9-10am

09.42 Giles interrupts the light flirtation, with a special guest hidden inside a portable communication device. Davina is on the phone! Chris and Gemma demurely step back, as Mark talks to McCall. Who bigs us up, full of praise for what is happening here. She has been watching on her phone while driving to Sheffield, she says, hastily pointing out she is being driven to Sheffield, and is thus in no crash danger. "You're doing a great thing!" she tells Mark. Yes indeedy.

09.45 I get a text back from Pat, happily up for the hug flashmob. I give him a bit more information, particularly keen to make sure he isn't going to be looking out for me in the station, as I will not be leaving my post here. And I fail to interrupt Davina McCall to announce his being on board, owing to my being a well-mannered young lady124.

124 Shurrup, you.

209 Hour #11, 9-10am

09.47 Actual Davina on the phone! Mark is amazed, as he greets Emma Freud. Who has brought us cake, for Jenny's house. And has her own story to tell us of phone call fun: her husband LOVES Kate Moss. Emma got to ring Richard as though she was Kate Moss, on his birthday, which he was initially thrilled by, then saw through. Emma then got actual Kate Moss to ring him, and he answered with an "oh fuck off Ronni!"

09.49 Emma asks Mark to "hold my buns", and puts his left hand over her right boob, keeping it there. She is a fruity terror. "I think that's the first time I've felt up an OBE!" Mark tells her, before checking she does have one. And yes, she does. For co-founding Comic Relief with Kate-obsessed Richard Curtis. Who will, she promises, come down later and talk about the charity stuff. Mark is instructed to ask him about 'Mary & Martha', his sad mama malaria drama. We might see tears! "He's a bit of a cry-baby, but don't tell him I said that." Mark, a polite young man, fails to counter with mention that Curtis' job probably gives him good reason to cry, what with all the suffering he sees - in person and in well-shot money-wringing film clips - and which Comic Relief is trying to ease.

BABWORTH (n.)

Something which justifies having a really good cry.

- from 'The Meaning Of Liff'

09.52 We learn that the Comic Relief eBay auctions have raised nearly ten grand so far. >£10,000. Amazingness. This whole thing has really got the internet's attention, she tells him, with the show and associated fun. "EVERYBODY is tweeting about you," Emma enthuses. Lots of celebrities are doing so, and all sorts. And, as she says: "Hound, but he doesn't really count." "He'll count in a different way later," Mark beams.

210 Hour #11, 9-10am

09.53 Emma is persuaded into talking a bit about where the Comic Relief money goes, with half to projects in this country and half to Africa125. But she's happy to leave that to Richard. And instead to praise Mark for putting the hours in on this. During the show, but also with the prep work; celebrity wise, only Delia Smith has done so much behind-the-scenes for the charity.

125 Among many other non-goat things, the money will go towards initiatives in the UK and Africa, funding: a series of grants to look at how climate change will impact on Africa, help people to protect both themselves and their harvests, and and also get their voices heard in climate change negotiation initiatives in the UK that help older people to address rising fuel and food prices, and ones which will help them to be wise to financial scams and abuse trade projects in Africa, helping small-scale producers and workers in global supply chains

211 Hour #11, 9-10am

09.55 Next, Mark will be interviewed by Jane Garvey from Women's Hour. Who is here, headsetted up and bearing cake of an impeccable pedigree. In that it was baked by Jane Garvey from Women's Hour. "I'm half relevant to that show," determines Mark; "I've met and adore women."

09.56 Mark tries to get his brain set on what he needs to mention, in the interview. "I don't think it's really the Rufus Hound audience."

@25HourChihuahua Heiress/hairless joke is so strong. Even now. Even 11 hours in its strong. @markwatson #25hours

09.58 Jane is worried she will be pie'd in the face. No-one is pie- ing anyone from Women's Hour in the face. That's man's Tiernan's work.

09.59 Tiernan takes up Usain Bolt's angled lightning stance126, and prepares for pie.

126 You know, from off of the Virgin adverts!

212 Hour #11, 9-10am

Countdown Challenge, 9-10am

Innis Round Time Selection Mark Deeks Score Best Max Carson 487 25 75 50 100 6 215 9.02 am 487 1496 – 1526 487 1706 6 → 487 6 * (75 + 100 / 50) + 25 PUNIEST PUSHING GUNSHIP 216 9.13 am GHSTUIENP PIGNUTS 1503 – 1533 PUSHING PUNTIES 1713 GUINEPS STUPING PIGNUTS

217 9.16 am FALADOLUE DOLEFUL 1510 – 1540 DOLEFUL DOLEFUL 1720 SEETHED 218 9.19 am FDSHEEETO SEETHED 1517 – 1547 SEETHED 1727 SHEETED IONOMER 219 9.22 am PENOMORIU IONOMER 1524 – 1554 MOONIER 1734 MOONIER 580 75 50 5 6 9 2 220 9.27 am 580 1534 – 1564 580 1744 → 580 9 * (75 - 5) - 50 221 9.30 am DOLUHESTE SLEUTHED 1542 – 1564 LOUDEST SLEUTHED 1752

222 9.33 am PNLREIEPR REPLIER 1549 – 1571 REPLIER REPLIER 1759 VERMEIL 223 9.37 am RENELIVME RELIEVE 1556 – 1578 RELIEVE 1766 RELIEVE DORADOS 224 9.40 am YSDDOIORA SORDID 1556 – 1585 DORADOS 127 1773

662 100 7 7 1 10 8 225 9.43 am 662 1566 – 1595 662 1783 → 662 7 * (100 - 7) + 10 + 1 COASTED 226 9.45 am STDMOAECS MASCOTS 1573 – 1595 MASTED 1790 MASCOTS 227 9.47 am QONATATVN ANNATTO 1580 – 1602 ANNATTO ANNATTO128 1797 HARDTOP 228 9.49 am PRTDAAOFH ADAPTOR 1587 – 1609 ADAPTOR 1804 ADAPTOR RESETTING 229 9.51 am GITETERSN RESETTING 1605 – 1627 RETESTING 1822 RETESTING 985 100 25 2 8 10 4 230 9.54 am 985 1615 – 1637 985 1832 → 985 10 * (100 - 4) + 25 WINSOME MESONIC 231 9.57 am MICOKNEWS INCOMES 1622 – 1644 INCOMES 1839 INCOMES MOCKIES SWEATS SAUTES 232 9.59 am WTXSUAASE SWEATS 1628 – 1650 WASTES 1845 WASTES TAWSES

127 'Dorados'. Noun, pl. Ray-finned fish, also known as Mahi-Mahi,

128 'Annatto'. Noun. The seed of achiote trees. Used as a spice and dye.

213 Hour #11, 9-10am CLAIRE'S DATE #11 - MARTIN (9am)

Martin was the first date of the challenge that I actually knew in real life beforehand. He was the result of a team-wide recruitment drive at my former office at ITV by my good friend Kirsty, who I have no doubt had to either slip him a tenner or bribe him with baked goods to get him to babysit me for an hour. Whatever the circumstances, I was very grateful for a friendly face. And moreover, a friendly face bearing Pass The Pigs!

Martin insisted on laying claim to the most original opening line of the dates thus far, with his 'have you ever been to XXXX', which funnily enough proved to be the perfect segway to an anecdote about me sat in Copenhagen airport sobbing into two kilos of miniature Daim Bars. This date was quite the gamefest. First of all we played Pass The Pigs, one of my all time favourite past times, and without blowing my own trumpet, I kicked porcine ass! We then moved on to Guess Who as Martin had never played before, but we soon came to blows when Martin cheated on an issue over facial hair. Dear readers, if someone has a goatee beard which includes a moustache, and I ask if you have a moustache, that's a yes isn't it? Yes it is. Tsk.

Third in the gaming bonanza was Connect 4, which I do believe I also won, which as you'll later find out was pretty much my only Connect 4 victory of the challenge. Martin was a delightful date, and ever the gentleman, leant me his Pass the Pigs set for future reference. He also let me keep the scorecard. Yes!!!!

214 Hour #12, 10-11am Hour #12 10-11am

10.00 Danielle pops up from beneath the Usain poser, to get Tiernan smack SPLAT in the face. Perfick.

10.01 Radio4 is broadcast through the theatre, continuing to pickle our addled brains. The top stories are about cider for women, and yodelling. "How DOES a yodeller do it?" asks a disembodied radio voice129. Well, quite.

10.03 Jane Garvey and Mark Watson are broadcast live on BBC Radio4, to listeners of Women's Hour. Jane asks him about the lows, and the highlights, and he - despite having been at this for eleven hours, just about non-stop - pulls more energy out of the bag, giving peppy answers that summate us without utterly alienating the listeners. Who are, I'm assuming, also able to tell the difference between someone genuinely flustered by women, and someone at pains to be humorously ridiculous, i.e. insisting that, gender-wise, "women are absolutely Top Two".

10.05 Jane asks how listeners can get involved in the 25 Hours extravaganza. "I'm glad you asked that, because it's pretty much a contractual necessity." The cake pleas go out once more.

10.07 Interview over, we have news from the Monopoly quest: has tweeted a picture of himself, so as Eric and Paul can tick off his surname's worth of get-to point. And Corry tells Mark that Patrick Monahan is on his way to King's Cross130.

129 ‘How’ is easy, if you mean science-wise. You just need a fast, repeated change from a lower-pitch “chest” voice, from the lungs, to a higher-pitch “head” voice, from the throat. ‘How’ is less easy if you mean in the frazzled Polly Filler style of yummy mummy lit, viz “how DOES she do it!?”

130 "On his way". It's Pat! He knows he lives 15ish minutes away from the station. And he knows it starts at 11.45am. He is extremely unlikely to leave his flat till five minutes before the scheduled start…

215 Hour #12, 10-11am

10.09 James the busker is well on his way to breaking the World Record; his attempt will be completed at 2.30pm. And we need to send people down to meet him as he finishes. Meanwhile in this building the hug record will be ratified.

10.11 Mark says this is it. This is where we play the first clip of the improvised Thesps sitcom. "Just one more thing…"

216 Hour #12, 10-11am

10.12 We do not play the sitcom. Instead - one more thing - Rob is instructed on the book-signing plan. To happen after his 11am meeting with Mark's publisher.

10.13 We get the tally up onscreen, of the Comic Relief total we have helped to raise so far. £15,896.59. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. "Let's try," says Mark, "and get another grand or something - it's going for goats"131.

10.14 We get an update from the blaggers: John reports that they are waiting to hear back from a lady with a pool table, who has had to go to the doctor's. Oh, blaggers.

@TheGumShow Old Kent Road is a bit of a prick to get to... #25Hours #Monopoly

131 Among many other non-goat things, the money will go towards initiatives that help children in the UK and Africa, funding: work in Africa that meets the immediate needs of street-children, protecting them from abuse and neglect, and giving them access to an education or training, healthcare and employment children in Africa who are affected by HIV or who are especially vulnerable to HIV young carers in the UK , giving them the support they need

217 Hour #12, 10-11am

10.15 Emma brings Mark coffee. Mark says "boobs" a lot, resentful of self for doing so - it's not a word he likes - but unable to stop.

10.16 Tiernan announces that he has a piano teacher lined up, soon to give him a phone lesson.

10.17 The first clip of the Thesps sitcom is played, on the backscreen. It is too loud. It is also very much not for me. I grab my bag and nip out of the room, escaping the capital letters ACTING on a mission to get changed. Have done eleven hours in this room, in these clothes. I want to feel CLEAN NOW. Swapping dresses132 is only the start of it…

10.20 Am oddly disappointed to find Holly in the ladies loos, using her own legs to get around. Better this than her rupturing something, holding it in for 25 hours, or trying to coordinate a toilet visit while still carried by Jack. But still. This is my Attenborough-filmed-the-polar-bears-in-captivity!? moment133.

@TheGumShow Fuck you Old Kent Road! @ComedySweeney @WatsonComedian #25hours #Monopoly

10.26 I only left the room for a couple of minutes! And I come back to find newsreader Penny Smith sitting in front of Emma's tent, banging on about rubber gloves and mispronouncing the word "Japan"! What IS going on!? There are only two syllables to "Japan"!

132 From a long-sleeved pink-swirled black dress - of a fancy pattern such as you would wallpaper a feature wall in a room - to a turquoise floaty paisley thing, such as could be worn while wafting through a field, eating a Flake. Which is not an opportunity that presents itself, during the show.

133 Right down to the fact that they weren't hiding the fact, I just happened to notice. As did those who visited the BBC's tie-in website for 'Frozen Planet', which made plain how the birth of the cubs had been filmed in captivity.

218 Hour #12, 10-11am

10.28 Penny is here to give us the news headlines. Thus do we learn that: The Lib Dems won the Eastleigh by-election [with 13342 votes], followed by UKIP [11571], Tories [10559], Labour [4088] and an anti-gay-marriage Independent [768, nyeah]. JAP-an has its first roundabout. A married couple are being sought, to be sent into space. A probe has recently been launched into space, whose sole mission is to determine if the 'Alien' tagline is right, and no-one can hear you scream up there. Penny really liked 's Metro article about the Pope's retirement, in which he offers himself as a replacement candidate134.

134 As he tends to do, when the position becomes vacant. As follows…

I am sorry to hear that Pope Benedict has stepped down. You must agree he’s done a fantastic job. The only people who could argue with that are diabolists, homosexuals, people opposed to covering up paedophile sex rings or anyone who wants to stop the Aids virus spreading. You’d have to be crazy. Some people have a pop because Benedict was in the Hitler Youth but that’s not on. Yes, he once served the most evil man in history but he prefers Jesus now. We’re all allowed to change our minds. Look at St Paul. Anyway there’s a position vacant and I’ve decided to apply. Here’s my letter: ‘Dear Popefinder General, Hi, I’m Richard and I’d like to be the new pontiff. You might think me an unlikely choice as I’ve never held even minor office in the Catholic Church but I think I might be quite good at it anyway. Here’s why: 1) I am relatively young for a pope. If you keep selecting popes in their seventies you’re going to have to go through this rigmarole every decade or so. I am only 45 and my grandma is nearly 102, so there’s a good chance I could reign for the next 50 years, saving you valuable money on cloak and mitre alterations. 2) I really fancy living in a big palace, surrounded by priceless works of art, wearing bejewelled shoes. Some Christians might be uncomfortable with that, arguing you should sell the treasure and give the money to the poor but I don’t remember Jesus saying anything about that. It certainly wasn’t a major bugbear for Him. Imagine how hypocritical you’d look if it was! 3) I have a really good joke about kissing the papal ring. 4) Although I am not very religious and, if pressed, would say I’m an atheist, I have a lot of experience of church. My parents are Christians (CofE I’m afraid – hope that’s not a problem). They forced me to go to church about four times a year when I was little. I hated it. It was so boring and sanctimonious. By the time I was 25, I actually refused to go any more. Even at Christmas. Even though it made my nieces and nephews cry. I think it’s important to stick up for your principles no matter how clearly wrong they are. That’s another reason why I’d be a good pope. 5) I believe that all people are equal and have a right to do whatever they want as long as they’re not harming other people. I understand that Jesus said something similar. But like all the other popes I am prepared to just ignore that and say that I hate gay people as long as I get the big palace, free air travel, ruby slippers etc. 6) I have always preferred Jesus to Hitler. Even when I was a child. Jesus was amazing and Hitler did some terrible things. The only negative moment for Jesus was when he threw those tables over. But come on, that hardly equates with Hitler’s crimes. You’d have to really like furniture to get more upset about that. Plus Jesus was a carpenter and probably fixed it all afterwards. I’m afraid I won’t be able to start until Monday because I am on tour with my show Talking Cock in Shrewsbury tonight and Birmingham on Sunday and it would be unprofessional to pull out at such short notice. I’m looking forward to being your boss. RichardHerringus I (or II if there’s been one of those already).’

N.B. Further reading suggests that it would not be Rich's lack of Catholic faith which counts him out of the running - he could be Pope, if he immediately converted - nor his age - you need to have "reached the age of reason", but his other characteristics. The Pope cannot be a heretic - e.g. someone who has penned a stand-up show titled Christ On A Bike - nor someone “notorious” for simony, profiting from sacred things. Surprising that none of the grumpier Metro commentors picked up on that, really, and instead just called him an unfunny bigot who was delusional if he thought condoms would help slow the spread of AIDS.

219 Hour #12, 10-11am

10.34 In conclusion, Penny tells us that the weather is drizzly. And "not very nice". The one bit of the news we have direct experience of. (None of us, for example, have our first roundabout.)

10.35 Emma says we have a viewer in Bosnia, who is asking for Challenges. "Reunite Yugoslavia!" suggests Barney, as realistically as a 'Die Hard' sequel.

@ComedySweeney @watsoncomedian @TheGumShow I hate Monopoly! Next year can we do competitive sleeping lions? #25hours

10.36 Gemma and Chris are now cosying up on the balcony, we're told. Meanwhile Eric has tweeted "fuck you Old Kent Road!" He and Paul are clearly struggling on this leg on their Monopoly quest.

220 Hour #12, 10-11am

10.38 Pierre has drawn Mark, struggling beneath the cross he bears. Pierre is somewhat apologetic about it. "You ended up having vestigial T-rex arms135, because I'M VERY TIRED."136 The haggard expression his Watson wears, though not quite on the man before us, cannot be too far away...

135 A truly vestigial body part is one that once served a purpose, but was gradually reduced in size and functionality in response to millions of years of evolutionary pressure. The T-Rex’s arms, though small (three feet long) in proportion to the rest of the beastie (40 feet, from head to tail), were well-muscled, and likely not vestigial at all. Just as we now know that the human appendix is a system reboot drive for intestinal bacterial, if they get wiped out by disease or somesuch, we know more about the T-Rex too. Like how each arm could lift over 400 pounds. And, it is hypothesised, use them: in mating: boys grabbing girls, to keep them in place in standing up: if they fall or are knocked down in battle it’s vital they can actually get up again in eating: they could hold onto wriggly prey and chew its face off

Though, as http://trextrying.tumblr.com cartoonist Hugh Murphy has noted, the T-Rex could also use them to play an instrument...

136 Ayup. My notebook here records my own declaration that I'm "feeling quite perky now woo", but the validity of that is let down somewhat by the words in the sentence being quite hard to read, and my taking far less sprawling notes from here on in. Conscious I am more than halfway through the notebook - though I did bring a spare - my squeezing more in per page is, from the 9am mark, a definite shift into space conservation. And I'm also writing less down. Which is another great way of taking up fewer pages.

221 Hour #12, 10-11am

10.40 The twins have three properties left to get, we're told: Mayfair, Park Lane and Marylebone. They want us to play them a Chance card137. This duly happens.

137 Bonus Monopoly fact! Only the UK edition has a Chance Card announcing “You have won a crossword competition. Collect £100.” Though the puzzles are HUGELY popular in America, since first introduced there by a Liverpudlian journalist in 1913.

222 Hour #12, 10-11am

10.41 More celebrity 'gets' are discussed. Emma Freud knows Lineker, so that's a maybe. "I'll try and get Saunders," says Emma. "As in 'Jennifer Saunders'?" checks Mark; "the main Saunders?" Yes indeed. She's very well-connected. But then, this is the point in the show where I learn that the man on my left knows the head nun in Britain, and has been inside Pentonville prison because of her. Increasingly, here, it’s not what you know, but who you know138.

@watsoncomedian I am nearly halfway through my #25hours. Please sponsor me or something. Or if you're famous tweet. Or something....

10.43 Markus and Corry hold up his mural, so we can see the progress made. He's been filling in from the right as well now, drawing in Charley's helium balloons and a curve of a keyboard for Tiernan. "That makes the Eiffel Tower look like the piece of shit it is!" exclaims Mark.

10.44 "I can see Adam Hills' daughter," declares Mark, "which either means Adam Hills, or a problem." Adam is indeed back. And this time it's personal, in that he is accompanied by his wife, Ali, and their two year-old, Bea.

138 As on ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’, as has sung, when you need to phone a friend.

223 Hour #12, 10-11am

10.45 Adam: "I hate to start something that might go for a while…" Mark: "Me too." Adam: "…so what have I missed?" The question dangles for a moment, but the potential recap is cut-off by Emma again announcing she has news: Jennifer Saunders is coming this afternoon, and she is bringing scented candles. Possibly for the best: Penny Smith insinuated the room smelt quite RIPE, when she arrived.

10.47 Emma Freud has got Gary Lineker on the phone for Mark. Gary Lineker! He holds it together as they ask each other how they are. Twice. "You do sound like you've got a bit of a cold, yeah," agrees Mark; "on the up side, and it’s a BIG upside, you're Gary Lineker!" Mark worries for what he'll do on 'Match Of The Day', if suffering, and agrees with Gary's own diagnosis of an indomitable spirit. "You ARE indomitable! Think of you in 1990 against Cameroon; you put those penalties away!" Before a couple of Claire's dates were BORN, that. Though Mark isn't thinking such things. He is thinking "bloody hell, this is GARY LINEKER". And being both tired and extremely excited, he is saying that out loud. "That's basically me, I can die now."

10.48 Mark wraps up, telling Gary "this has given the audience a big lift" - wooooo - and thanking him for talking to us. "Ladies and gentlemen, I won't stay until it gets awkward, but GARY LINEKER!"

10.49 "I just talked to Lineker! I can fly!" beams Mark, bouncing round in an excited circle. Meanwhile Emma has urinary sponsorship news: "Jennifer is going to give us a hundred pounds every time I wee on the stage". Golden showerer, she. If anything, it's possible this gig is getting weirder. But it's quite hard to tell, from within.

@adamhess1 Jeniffer Saunders is gonna give us £100 for every time Emma Kennedy pisses in a bucket. This is some lord of the flies shit #25hours

224 Hour #12, 10-11am

10.50 Adam Hills has brought breakfast pastries, for a room full of people he mostly doesn’t know. Adam Hills is great. Just in case that wasn't sufficiently apparent from all of the everything he's already done so far; in general139.

10.52 Adam goes up and down the rows, handing out iced buns and croissants to we grateful seated masses. I gain a pain au chocolat, and a sense of certainty that I was entirely right to buy his 'Inflatable' DVD for a colleague's birthday (today! Happy birthday Amy!).

10.53 As Adam works on the feeding of the one-ish hundred, Mark gains an inflatable update. "We are packing 800 balloons!" Now all we need is £4,000 worth of helium to be donated.

139 Adam Hills is great. By way of televised proof, please see Channel4 of a Friday night. I love that 'The Last Leg' manages to have matey ladsy banter between Adam and his two male co-hosts, that's both funny and not wholly appalling. The programme as a whole is properly entertaining, and is good-natured with it; the sense of positivity Adam brings to his live shows spilling out all over . There is name-calling. But it's generally directed against those who are displaying bad form; these three will be far quicker to call out ugliness of soul than an actual physical flaw on another human being. It shouldn't be so refreshing to hear a well-reasoned rant of this ilk, from a telly man...

“If you make fat jokes about Adele, you’re being a dick. And I’m referring to you, Joan Rivers… Adele is one of the very few women in pop music that I want my daughter to look up to and you’re making jokes about the way she looks when you’re so insecure about your own face you’ve spent more money on it than the producers of 'Life of Pi' spent on that tiger. I've met Adele and she was HOT. Get a plastic surgeon to manufacture yourself a new soul. Stop being an enormous, hypocritical, insensitive dick!”

Even if it is followed by Josh grinning at Adam: "that's what happens when you don't get enough sleep".

225 Hour #12, 10-11am

by Pei Yen (oxymoronish.tumblr.com)

226 Hour #12, 10-11am

10.54 In a moment, Mark is to be interviewed by Fred Macauley on his BBC Radio Scotland show140. That is why we can now hear a Scottish producer, over the speakers. The revelation that "Fred has been trying to send you a tweet of a pair of foam hands" however, is a struggle to decode, even when you know what a tweet is.

10.56 The foam hands was an incapacitatory challenge for Fred, it transpires, to get him in the Comic Relief swing of things. It's not just how he spends his time on-air. Anyway. Hello Fred! He and Mark have a pleasant quick chat, about how it's going, with a particular mention of the hugging World Record. "You're an absolute star," Fred tells him. YES INDEED.

140 As has happened before; in 2007, a double decker bus took us to plant trees outside of Edinburgh, via a visit to Fred's early morning Spiegeltent chatshow. In over a decade of Fringe attendance, it is the only time I have ever been up early enough to get to one of those recordings. By not sleeping beforehand. I am definitely not the first to have hit on this solution. But generally those so, um, motivated are on the stage.

227 Hour #12, 10-11am

228 Hour #12, 10-11am

10.59 Armed with a healthy snacker's dish of fresh fruits, the ever thoughtful Adam Hills busily garnishes Tiernan's next pie plate. The first time in the show that the cream will have been topped by something else. Other than a game beardy man, that is…

229 Hour #12, 10-11am

Countdown Challenge, 10-11am

Innis Round Time Selection Mark Deeks Score Best Max Carson CALLER ARABLE 233 10.01 am CABAREFLL CALLER 1634 – 1656 CALLER 1851 CARAFE FAECAL 234 10.04 am GDGBUIORO BOUDOIR 1641 – 1663 BOUDOIR BOUDOIR 1858 50 4 9 3 9 3 918 235 10.06 am 918 1651 – 1673 918 1868 → 918 (9+9)*(50+4-3) SONATA STANZA 236 10.11 am NTJSAAOZP 1657 – 1679 STANZA 1874 PANTOS JAPANS FROGMEN BROMINE 237 10.15 am GEFIMONRB FORMING 1664 – 1686 FORMING FORMING 1881 FOREIGN BONFIRE DAEMONIC 238 10.20 am KNCMAEODI COMEDIAN 1672 – 1694 COMEDIAN DEMONIAC 1889 COMEDIAN TEMACOGO 239 10.21 am COMATOSE 1680 – 1702 COMATOSE COMATOSE 1897 S 100 50 4 3 9 185 240 10.23 am 185 1690 – 1712 185 1907 6 → 185 4*50-(9+6) POINTE 241 10.25 am PINETOVEJ POTJIE 1696 – 1718 POINTE POTJIE 1913 POTEEN 242 10.27 am TSNDEAAYD ASYNDETA 1704 – 1726 ASYNDETA ASYNDETA 1921

243 10.29 am DARARALEG GLARED 1704 – 1733 REALGAR REALGAR 1928

244 10.34 am DNSCEIOAE OCEANSIDE 1722 – 1751 OCEANSIDE OCEANSIDE 1946

100 5 5 7 2 1 588 245 10.37 am 588 1732 – 1761 588 1956 → 588 (5+1)*(100-2) HURLERS 246 10.39 am RSLHEUUSR HURLERS 1739 – 1768 HURLERS USURERS 1963 RUSHERS SOQOFUGN 247 10.41 am FUNGOES 1746 – 1775 FUNGOES FUNGOES 1970 E 248 10.43 am RSGTOIETP SPOTTIER 1754 – 1783 SPOTTIER SPOTTIER 1978 BOILIE 249 10.48 am XEVIBILLO BOLLIX 1760 – 1789 BOLLIX 1984 BOLLIX 100 25 10 7 6 907 250 10.50 am 907 1770 – 1799 907 1994 1 → 907 (10-1)*100+7 FRENZIES 251 10.52 am FESERIZEN SNEEZIER 1778 – 1807 FRENZIES 2002 SNEEZIER TSMBUOER 252 10.54 am STORMER 1785 – 1814 ROUTERS ROBUSTER 2010 R BIMANUAL 253 10.57 am NUMALITBA MATINAL 1785 – 1822 AMBULANT 2018 AMBULANT

230 Hour #12, 10-11am CLAIRE'S DATE #12 - ANDY (10am)

Andy was the second person I knew in real life to foolishly agree to be one of the glorious twenty five, chosen partly for his ability to bring a good strong beard to the table, partly for the guy candy factor but mainly because I knew he had nothing better to do at the time and seeming a charitable sort, that he'd most probably say yes. And he did say yes, obvs. And he turned up equipped with pain au chocolat for breakfast, fresh OJ for vitamin C, and emergency mini eggs for the darkest hours that I suspected might come between 5 and 7pm. Amazeballs. For the most part it was a sensible date, if we ignore the fact that I ended up sat in a pile of my own pastry flakes, but unfortunately the delirium was already getting a good grip. And as if my temporal weirdness wasn't enough shared between the two of us, I then unwittingly shared it with the nation when we were joined by Jane Garvey and interviewed for Woman's Hour on Radio 4. I have to say I've never listened to Woman's Hour before, but our Andy it seemed was quite the fan as it brought back fond memories (and he's also quoted it on Facebook on the odd occasion) so I felt, in part, a little like Claire'll Fix It, in the most tasteful possible sense.

The rest of the date was delightful, and largely revolved around bemoaning the pitiful excuse for tea the poor sleep-starved bar staff had rustled up, the Harlem Shake (a version of which was later done during the gig) and Connect 4, which it turns out, I really do suck at. I'd like to use my lack of sleep and senses as an excuse, but even on a good night's sleep and a gullet full of ginkgo biloba I still would have lost. Should've played Pass The Pigs. By the end of the date, my energy levels were on the rise again thanks to my awesome second breakfast, and I was ready to face the halfway mark. Who, as it turns out, was called Mark. You couldn't make this shit up...

231 Hour #13, 11am-12pm Hour #13 11am-12pm

11.00 Danielle catches Tiernan on the creamed-up-plate version of a drive-by, sending the platter smearing into his face and over his shoulder.

11.01 "It seems a shame to waste it," says Adam, looking down at the second pie plate that’s been made up. "Somewhere in Africa, a child is growing an unruly beard." Mark doesn't like where this is going. Tiernan neither; they've taken away his "Pie Arena". As the layer of floor protection is re- sought, Adam looks down at his tiny daughter and asks - "poppet!" - if she would like to pie Tiernan in the face. No. Definitely not. It looks like that would involve leaving mummy and lordy no.

232 Hour #13, 11am-12pm

11.02 Adam pies Tiernan smack in the face. Oh, Tiernan. "Please sponsor this guy," pleads Mark, as Tiernan just leaves the plate hanging off his cream-smeared face. "He's already got a lot of money for this, but you almost can't have ENOUGH money for what he's done. Which is to be UTTERLY custarded. And the worst is yet to come for him." Later, Mark promises, there will be CLOWNS. "With ACTUAL custard pies." And, says Tiernan, a bath of custard.

233 Hour #13, 11am-12pm

11.03 After his banana smiley, Hills is back to boy-scout helpful, brings a microphone to sticky-handed Tiernan, who says he hasn't had any sponsors for a couple of hours now. "That's not good enough. It's time that Richard Branson PERSONALLY put his hand on his pocket!" declares Mark. "If anyone rich is watching, this guy is deliberately having an awful life for Comic Relief. Can you just bung him a bit of money, and it would ABSOLUTELY take the roof off." Even just a hundred grand would be nice!

11.04 The huggers come to the stage, as does a chap called Craig, from the Guinness World Records. They are almost finished, and this is going to be done BY THE BOOK.

234 Hour #13, 11am-12pm

11.05 Both Sanderson and Mikey fall to their knees as they are released from their marathon. And then hug again, in celebration. "Best huggers of all time!" calls Mark; "better huggers than Caesar!" They broke the record! 25 hours 33 minutes! Yes!

235 Hour #13, 11am-12pm

11.06 The men are issued with a certificate, in commemoration of their efforts, noting their names, the date, the location and the purpose (Comic Relief, not 'just because'). Congratulations, fellas.

236 Hour #13, 11am-12pm

11.07 Sanderson and Mikey leave the stage to Mark, and Emma, both of whom have news to impart. The beagle guy will be back in half an hour - we must ask him about dinosaur todgers, apparently - and - in WHOLLY unrelated news - the Chipotle Mexican Grill chain are happy to donate us 100 burritos. "Yes, burrito!" grins Mark; "the thinking man's taco!"141 Three people are needed to go on a collection mission to bring them back here.

11.09 Hills reckons he can get Charley into his 'Last Leg' audience tonight, which lets her cross one more thing off her list. And Kate has been in contact with Matt Parker about the helium; thinking on similar FOTSN lines142, I have been text-fishing with Helen Arney, who doesn't happen to have a stash of it.

141 Other things the thinking man gets: metaphorical crumpets (e.g. Joan Bakewell, Joanna Lumley, Nigella Lawson), a statue by Rodin, a Trip To The Zoo (or an album of the same name by Robert Pollard), Bundaberg rum (according to an Aussie advert)*, and a ute made by Volkswagen (according to a New Zealand advert; the Southern hemisphere clearly big on thinking, also trucks).

* Unless they're Phil Kay, the only person I know who drinks the stuff, and who once was barred from an Edinburgh jazz club while outside it, for acting too crazy, when he had Bundaberg shots lined up inside on the bar. That thinking man got no rum at all, but rather -off point for a story of how he evaded arrest while sharking for take-away, and knocking back a Jim Jeff[e]ries threesome.

142 As in 'Festival of the Spoken Nerd', the science-themed gig they run with Steve Mould. Not as in the German slang word for a frau's frou-frou.

237 Hour #13, 11am-12pm

@TheGumShow Old man never used an iPhone. Number 10 took longer than expected. "JUST TAKE THE PICTURE!" #25hours #Monopoly

238 Hour #13, 11am-12pm

11.10 Apparently the best people to talk to about helium are Alvin, Simon and Theodore the British Oxygen Corporation. "They're a bit cheeky," reckons Mark, "doing helium as well!"

239 Hour #13, 11am-12pm

11.11 James Dowdeswell offers to go help with the Flashmob; Holli and Yianni will go get the burritos.

@25HourChihuahua 12 hours. 8 viewings. One dog's really starting to piss me off.

11.12 Emma announces that Richard Curtis is here. She is not kidding. Richard Curtis is here!

@GaryLineker “@watsoncomedian: I am nearly halfway through my #25hours. http://www.rednoseday.com/whats-going-on/mark-watsons-25-hour-comedy-marathon" < What an effort. Nearly as long as Giggs #GoMark

11.14 Emma holds up Andy Riley's Bunny Death by Comic Relief, for Curtis to admire. "That's HILARIOUS, isn't it?" admires Richard; "that's worth a LOT of money." A sentence that bodes extremely well. Although, as Mark notes, "ideally we'd have people saying 'that's worth a lot of money' who aren’t also running Comic Relief". Richard says his son has a Bunny Suicides poster up in his room, so that would be "a Christmas present DONE". "Possibly quite an expensive one, Richard," as Mark does nudge. Though they are both too decorous to talk fees in public.

11.15 As Emma rolls the picture up, Mark asks Richard about his malaria film, mindful that his wife had said we could induce tears. "It's HILARIOUS, everybody!" deadpans Curtis.

@MarkDeeksNBA @watsoncomedian We just broke our £2,000 fundraising target and would greatly appreciate a woop woop.

240 Hour #13, 11am-12pm

11.16 650,000 people die of malaria every year, says Richard. One of many things Comic Relief is striving to change. It's really not just about raising money for goats143.

11.17 Despite Comic Relief not being exclusively focused on raising money for goats, Richard Curtis doesn't seem able to stop talking about goats. He loves goats. Goats goats goats. "When we did our first Comic Relief we sent Griff Rhys Jones to the Sudan, and he did a long piece holding a goat saying you have to buy more goats and when he finished the guy from the tribe said 'that's not a goat, that's a SHEEP'." But they didn't have time to retake. So they broadcast it anyway. Goat fun!

@adamhess1 Richard Curtis is talking seriously while holding his glasses and looks really clever like Giles from Buffy. #25hours

11.19 Richard has a pterodactyl joke in Emma's honour that he wonders if we would like to hear. "Who'd like to hear Richard Curtis' pterodactyl joke?" calls Mark, for the first and only time in the show. Sufficient cheers are garnered. Richard Curtis goes on to ask us what the difference is between a pterodactyl and Emma Kennedy? With the flying lizard "the pee is silent!" Homophonic urinary fun! "That's got a bit of everything!" huzzahs Mark; "spelling, wee…"

11.20 It is announced that Gary Lineker has tweeted #goMark, Mark himself is GIDDY to hear this. Then reigning self in. "Anyone's life not fine? Yes! Africans! Let's keep working here!"

@25HourChihuahua Number 9. Got a good feeling about this one. Carnival atmosphere in the boiler room. @watsoncomedian

11.21 Who else could Richard Curtis get us? The suggestion of "Richard Attenborough?" is drowned by cries for Braff, which Richard can't swing for us. He does have Harry Styles' number. "But oddly enough he's stopped replying to my texts. It went from a very short friendship into a stalking relationship, incredibly quickly." "A lot of people have had that with One Direction," sympathises Mark.

11.22 The Flashmobbers are sent out; they have only 20 minutes to get down to King's Cross. Go! Go! Go!

11.23 Tiernan comes forward, with a box of goodies, donated by EMI. Containing records and signed posters and all sorts. These will be auctioned off for Comic Relief, on eBay144.

143 Goats are not as much use in a counselling program or health drive as you might think. All that BUTTING in, see. CHEWING you out. KIDding around. I - I'll get my coat. Oh, it’s been eaten. RUDDY GOATS!

144 In a 24 Hour auction that duly raises another £155 for our pot. BARGAIN.

241 Hour #13, 11am-12pm

SIGNED POSTER, CD & DVD BUNDLE PACK (MARK WATSON COMIC RELIEF AUCTION)

In support of Mark Watson's 25 Hour Comedy Show for Comic Relief, EMI has donated this fantastic bundle of goodies including a signed and framed Coldplay poster and signed Kylie poster. Get your bids in now! Full contents listed below. With thanks to Tiernan Douieb for blogging them.

1x Signed Coldplay framed poster 1x Kylie signed Abbey Road poster 1x Blur Parklive DVD 1x Tinie Tempah Disc overlay Lanyard + full 1x - Elysium CD album, download and extras 1x Coldplay - 4CD catalogue set 1x Beastie Boys - 120 page hardback book 1x Kylie - Abbey Road Sessions CD 1x Lady Antebellum - Own The Night CD 1x Coldplay Live 1x -The Singles Collection 2001- 1x Gabrielle Aplin - Please Don't Say 2011 You Love Me record 2012 DVD 1x Blur Park Live 5 disc CD & DVD

11.25 We are coming up to the halfway point. I have a 'bottle of champagne' with which to celebrate, that houses not booze but rather a magnum of confetti145. I hurry up to the stage to hand it over. Mark is the opposite of thrilled. If the terrifying sobriety of 'knurd' is the inverse of drunk, this is the knurd of booze-shaped presents, a metaphorical Nebuchadnezzar making 15 litres of bottled misery. I know he hates balloons, for their sly surprise tendency to explode when least expected; it had not occurred to me this would be true of all sudden loud noises.

145 Strictly, by champagne sizes, it is probably a plain old 'bottle'. But you can give me this. It's not like I tried to get away with claiming it was a Jeroboam [3 litre container] of confetti.

242 Hour #13, 11am-12pm

by Pei Yen (oxymoronish.tumblr.com)

243 Hour #13, 11am-12pm

11.26 Not wanting to even touch the bottle, Mark explains his fear of all sudden loud noises. His Top Three worst things are balloons going bang, thunderstorms and having a snake around his shoulders. Oh, the guilt, it HURTS. Mark is asked if he would open it for £10. "Ooh no, I wouldn't open that for a big gold pig." It's worse than CHEESE, this. "I'll give you a tenner to eat some cheese!" offers a lady. "Babybel isn't even cheese!" denounces Mark; "it's somewhere between cheese and Satan!" Another compounds the misery by throwing a flavoured one onto the stage. Mark bewails the fact that his life has gone from a phone call with Gary Lineker to the prospect of eating Marmite-infused cheese.

244 Hour #13, 11am-12pm

245 Hour #13, 11am-12pm

11.29 Cheese does not happen. Not does the party cannon. Even though Mark borrows Tiernan's goggles (and is a lot happier near the exploding bottle with them on). He will come back to it. He PROMISES.

11.30 We hit half-way! The party cannon does not get used in the celebrations! Mark lives to finish the last twelve and a half hours!

246 Hour #13, 11am-12pm

@RufusHound You can watch @watsoncomedian mammoth #25Hours show here: http://www.rednoseday.com/whats-going-on/mark-watsons-25-hour-comedy-marathon And if I raise £2500 I will break 25 eggs using only a... mallet sellotaped to my penis. Yes. I don't want to do it, as it's agony, but I will. Sponsor me at http://my.rednoseday.com/sponsor/rufushound1

11.31 Thankyous and acknowledgements are made, to the show stalwarts so far. Robert gets me a salute, adding that I have used half my A5 notebook. Mark agrees I'm very good. Which is sweet, considering I have been responsible for quite a lot of the agony of the last few minutes. But that is all in the past now. Way way back many landmarks ago.

11.32 Claire returns, to give us an update on the dates so far. #6 was Oli, the Chihuahua Man. "He needs help," she says, worried for what he is putting himself through having spent a mere hour with the film. Not a traditional date. Though she does say "I took him a KitKat, it was romantic." We cannot lose sight of the fact that she did then follow that date with six others, in fairly quick succession…

11.33 On the romance train-of-thought, Mark realises she should check in with Luke. "His girlfriend is offering out handjobs on Twitter!" announces a lady, checking her phone. "Hey poppet!" calls Adam, mindful his two-year old is still in the room. "When a lady helps to do work around the house, it’s a 'handjob'…"

247 Hour #13, 11am-12pm

11.34 Jonathan Ross is on the phone! Of course he is! Complimenting Mark's delivery, while being self- effacing about his own old age; Ross has problems standing-up these days, he says, hence the sit- down chat-show, and made sure to have a commode fitted beneath that BBC desk.

11:35 "This is a bit like being on the 'Jonathan Ross Show'," Mark says, "with few of the perks." Jonathan likes it: he's still in his "fucking pyjamas". This is a great idea for a series...

248 Hour #13, 11am-12pm

11.36 "You're doing a fantastic thing," Jonathan tells our goggle-clutching host. "You're a lovely human being, and I'll do a kiss when I see you!"

@TiernanDouieb I'll be honest, the piano playing has stalled. This is mainly cos my brain has stalled. I've made it to ch12 but dont understand it #25Hours

11.37 Well that's a thing that just happened. And now Emma Kennedy definitely needs a wee…

11.38 Janet Ellis is here! Mark explains that he has been a book judge, with Janet, so "meeting her is relatively easy compared to some of what I've done". Even as she presents him with a stick-on Blue Peter badge (such as I would imagine she has to carry at all times, to give to those who plead in her wake, like seagulls following a fishing boat).

11.39 Mark, still holding the goggles, is also given very nice active honey by Janet, gratefully received, as he hates "passive honey". Janet who is still one of the loveliest people there has ever been. (Sorry Hills, but you were not on telly when I was five and haven't imprinted on me in anything like the same way.) She's been watching bits of the show this morning, online, she says, and Mark asks if it makes sense to an outsider. Yes. Mostly. "What you can't feel is the family atmosphere," she twinkles.

249 Hour #13, 11am-12pm

11.40 As they talk, the modesty mural is held up, so Emma can SheWee behind it. Janet does not seem too flummoxed by this turn of events, possibly because no-one else is. Even as we all make the SSSSSSH noises to encourage flow. And Mark's preoccupations are still with the honey. "Get some hot water," advises Barney, "and put some honey in that for your voice." "The best idea anyone's ever had," beams Mark.

@RufusHound A lot of people seem to be troubled by my knowledge of the attendant agony that accompanies #houndcock. I practised it once. Lasted 30secs

11.42 In 2009, Richard Tyrone-Jones had the idea of creating a Perpetual Motion Machine during the Long Show, reading the poetry of Andrew Motion throughout. Even though he had helpers to do some of the work, on that occasion, "I literally had heart failure" afterwards. So this year he is only - ONLY - doing something for twelve and a half hours, a sponsored poetry writing Challenge.

250 Hour #13, 11am-12pm

251 Hour #13, 11am-12pm

The third such commissioned work is a limerick he was paid to write, "on the free-time habits of an ex-pope". Which he reads to us from his laptop, with Janet holding a mike up to his face:

A thin thin old ex-pope named Benedict sprouted devil horns, just like a heretic till two prog-rock poachers ground one up for a potion, and used the other one as a theremin.

@RufusHound I'm basically relying on adrenaline to get me through, if I end up having to do it. Which - I'll reiterate - I don't want to. #25hours

11.43 Richard asks us for other poetry titles, to inspire further output. "Beverly Hills Chihuahua!" is one, because that is now the default setting suggestion146, and possibly the only movie we would collectively remember existing, were we to not be quite so fixated on lifting Charley alley oop a la 'Up'.

146 And Richard duly pens types one thereon. Thusly:

The man who watched Beverley Hills Chihuahua for a day, felt like he’d been deflowered by the pack of toy dogs crushed inside his mind’s cogs But no-one can say he’s a coward.

252 Hour #13, 11am-12pm

11.44 "Zach Braff", "Zombies Ate Aberystwyth", and "Never Enough Cake" are also suggested as poetry titles147. As is "Eight Hundred Balloons and No Helium," which is basically a concept album.

147 All of which he follows up on. The latter making mention of Johnny Cash, even. But they're none as good as the one he wrote for a Bernadette, keen for something of a pharmaceutical bent, so that's what I'm copying & pasting below:

It has some use… My ex comes to visit every couple of weeks, for a chat, a quick hug, and a kiss. On the cheeks. She drops in. I’m on her route home, though no longer her route to one, I keep in touch although my mates say I should make her do one. She talks about her course on reiki and crystal healing, I of my clinical trials into the neurological basis of feeling. We’re still friends, it was a joint decision, but she’d view any trial resumption with derision. Her heart is warm, if covered with fairies Her hands lukewarm – noli me tangere. So each time she pops in, I make sure I’ve washed up putting myself into it, then rinsing, cup to cup so that as she puts her lips to her cup of herbal tea I kiss her again – via homeopathy.

253 Hour #13, 11am-12pm

11.45 Adam tweets to encourage people to join the Flashmob, live RTing himself in the process148. Meanwhile Ali is preparing to sing. Mark is delighted, as is everyone who has ever heard her sing before. Plus, as Mark says, "we haven't had a lot of padding the show with music".

@adamhillscomedy Right now there's a mass hug at Kings X station in London. Join in. Now!

11.46 There have been an UNBELIEVABLE number of tweets to Zach Braff, says Mark, making the actor seem almost dishonourable for not turning up.

11.47 Adam, clearly going through his @ replies and mentions on Twitter, realises - with HORROR - that he ignored someone when given out the breakfast pastries. He is MORTIFIED; Ali too looks stunned. He apologises profusely, taking them a cupcake and then Robert's proffered box of Mini Egg cakes.

11.48 Bea will be staying with mum, while mum sings, loath to leave her side even to dad’s outstretched arms. So Ali has both child and auto-harp balanced on her lap, onstage, as her husband rectifies his cake-based rudery.

@TheGumShow Playing Monopoly around real London is shorter than going round the board #ComicRelief @WatsonComedian's #25hours show

11.50 Twitter is reporting that that was the world's smallest flashmob, with the world's biggest amount of proportional police. Turns out they also listen to the radio, and read the internet. The cops want to know, says Dowds, what Mark is planning next. In the short-term, London Met, Mark will be talking to Eric and Paul, who have beaten the twins back from their Monopoly quest, with Mother's Day balloons on sticks and a phone full of photographic proof of their run-around success.

148 And then, a minute later, RTing his actual tweet, on Twitter. Making sleep deprivation look SO COOL to all his impressionable young followers…

254 Hour #13, 11am-12pm

255 Hour #13, 11am-12pm

@jamesdowdeswell Hey @adamhillscomedy @adamhess1 The police want to know what we're up to next. @watsoncomedian #25hours

11.51 "Whether we win or not we don't care any more," laments Eric, "we're so tired!" "I thought you were going to say 'because it's been such a great cause'," grins Mark, caught out for the second-time by the cliff-hanger Monopoly sentence. Looking at the pair, Mark reckons they seem to have been away for a YEAR, Paul's moustache in particular catching his eye as something which seems to have grown in during their three-hour trek around London.

256 Hour #13, 11am-12pm

11.52 "Old Kent Road was an absolute BITCH," reports Eric, as Paul tallies up their number of stops. "I saw your tweet on the subject," Mark tells him; "it was quite coarse." The hardest of the thirteen. THIRTEEN! Very impressive, fellas.

@PatrickJMonahan Turned up to 25 hour hugging flash mob at Kings X and about 6 police hugging someone on the floor! #maybeshoplifter

11.53 The boys hustle off the stage, leaving it to Ali and her auto-harp.

"When you were here before / Couldn't look you in the eye You're just like an angel / Your skin makes me cry You float like a feather / In a beautiful world…"

11.56 When it gets to the swear, Ali looks down at her daughter and refrains, at least the first time. When the instruments starts wobbling, Adam scooches forward and holds it in place. When it gets to the last high-held note, tears are in my eyes. So. Very. Special.

257 Hour #13, 11am-12pm

@missjanetellis Now claiming to have 'been on stage' with @adamhillscomedy. Loved hearing @thealimcgregor sing 'Creep', while holding their little daughter.

11.58 "I tell you what," beams Mark, "she's a lot better than the sun!"

258 Hour #13, 11am-12pm

@TheGumShow We won real life Monopoly! #25hours #ComicRelief

11.59 Adam prepares to pie. Tiernan prepares to be pied. It's a tale as old as time…

259 Hour #13, 11am-12pm

Countdown Challenge, 11am-12pm

Innis Round Time Selection Mark Deeks Score Best Max Carson UPDATE 254 11.00 am DPTWAUEWT UPDATE 1791 – 1828 PATTED PUTTED 2024 PATTED 508 100 50 75 25 255 11.01 am 508 1801 – 1838 508 2034 5 1 → 508 5 * (100 + 1) + 75 / 25 REFRAIN 256 11.13 am PRHFEAINR HEPARIN 1808 – 1845 REFRAIN 2041 HEPARIN 257 11.17 am TAREGIDDS DISRATED 1816 – 1845 TIRADES DISRATED 2049 GROUPIE PRODUCE PODGIER 258 11.20 am CPDGUOIRE GROUPIE 1823 – 1852 GROUPED 2056 ERGODIC GROUPED PIROGUE LURID 259 11.22 am RILUDONUI ROUND 1828 – 1857 LURID ROUND 2061 INDRI 473 50 75 3 2 7 3 260 11.24 am 473 1838 – 1867 473 2071 → 473 7 * 75 - (50 + 2) 261 11.26 am XEVEBINWW VIXEN 1843 – 1867 bevie (X) NEWBIE 2077

262 11.27 am TNSREOENI TENSIONER 1861 – 1885 TENSIONER TENSIONER 2095

263 11.30 am SATAYANTI ATTAINS 1868 – 1892 ATTAINS ATTAINS 2102 APPORT 264 11.33 am TPTPAUUOR TROUT 1873 – 1892 partout (X) 2108 OUTPUT 75 4 10 7 6 9 168 265 11.37 am 168 1883 – 1902 168 2118 → 168 4 * 6 * 7 EMMETS EMOTES 266 11.39 am MTSHEEOMU MOUTHS 1889 – 1908 MOUTHS MOUTHS 2124 METHOS THEMES

267 11.41 am LOBOZILLN BILL 1893 – 1912 BILL BILLON 2130

268 11.44 am FRPRIEEND INFERRED 1901 – 1912 REFINED INFERRED 2138

GAMBIT 269 11.46 am JIBOGAMTC COMBAT 1907 – 1918 COMBAT COMBAT 2144 ATOMIC 219 50 25 1 3 7 3 270 11.49 am 219 1917 – 1928 219 2154 → 219 3 * (50 + 25) - (7 - 1) RENEGUES 271 11.53 am FEGUNESER RENEGES 1917 – 1936 RENEGUES 2162 REFUGEES RUTHLESS STREUSEL 272 11.57 am LHSREEUTS HUSTLERS 1925 – 1944 RUTHLESS 2170 HUSTLERS SHELTERS

260 Hour #13, 11am-12pm CLAIRE'S DATE #13 - MARK (11am)

Poor halfway Mark.

Our date was doomed from the start, and I blame it on the unfortunate positioning of being unlucky #13. First of all the poor guy got a bit lost and was late, so turned up a bit flustered.

Secondly, mid-date we were interrupted by a photographer, who not only insisted on interfering and making us pose awkwardly (we drew the line at holding hands for the over-eager pap), but then she managed to total an entire mug of tea all over the date-zone, leaving poor Mark and I to mop up the splash radius.

Once we finally got round to the actual date, chat homed in and around online dating, and modern day dating etiquette. Mark was interested to know if, after 52 first dates and no converted goal so to speak, whether I'd actually questioned my sexuality. Interesting question, and straight to the point. But at 32 years old and over 77 dates to my name, I can very safely confirm that the problem with my dates lied within my personal choice of gentleman, and not the fact that they lacked a vagina. Mark was keen to point out that in modern dating terms, women appear to be becoming more masculine, and in some respects I do agree. I for one like to pay my way because I think it's rude to assume that someone would like me enough to pay for an entire evening with me, although that said it's always nice for someone to offer.

Time evaporated almost as quickly as the spilt tea, and Mark had to head back to work, but not without the parting words, 'you look so tired'. He was right, I looked knackered. But 13 down and 12 to go, it was all downhill from here. In more ways than one...

261 Hour #14, 12-1pm Hour #14 12-1pm

12.00 Adam pies Tiernan, with some aplomb. Lovely arm work there. And in the corner, Richard Curtis has been busy with his magic phone book. Which is how he is able to hand Mark over to Matt Smith! The actual Doctor! And in trying to put him on speakerphone, on Richard's "old fashioned sort of phone", he gets cut off! The actual Doctor!

12.01 "Basically we're all going more or less completely insane," Mark tells Matt, on the second go. A distorted voice comes through the handset, wondering at us custard pie'ing someone on the hour.

262 Hour #14, 12-1pm

"To be honest, that's not us going insane, we've done that from the outset." Mark fills him in on the group hug, and Matt tells him he wishes he'd been at King's Cross, a sentiment Watson very much joins in on: it might have made the flashmob that little bit more popular. "I can't hug you, sadly, but in my mind I'm hugging you." "Well that's more of a hug than I've previously had from any of the Doctor Who's," beams Mark, and Matt cracks up on the other end of the phone, splitting the grin still wider across Watson's face. "He sounds really happy when he laughs," we're told.

12.02 "Thanks for calling!" Mark tells him. "People here are slightly overwhelmed. And that's just on the phone, I can't imagine what it must be like if you're in a shop or something. If you're in a Londis it must be very peculiar for you."

12.03 Mark hangs up, and returns the phone to Giles, geeing us up still while trying to make sense of what just happened. "That's Matt Smith! That's Doctor Who! We've got eleven hours to go! We're killing this!" Also we're about to be live on BBC Radio 4's 'You & Yours'! And, as Emma announces, the Beagle man is here!

@thealimcgregor That was a 1st. Sang Creep for @watsoncomedian #25hours show & played Autoharp with my baby on my lap. Difficult but rewarding as always x

12.04 The Beagle makes his slow way down the steps, blinkered by costume and hindered by paws. Like the children's party game where you don the winter accessories of a determined Canadian, then attempt to eat chocolate with cutlery, but with a solely metaphorical treat for the one with swaddled hands and face. Also with Adam Hills there to help you to the stage, tickle you, etc. All while underscored by the radio consumer programme 'You & Yours', which is generally not the party soundtrack of choice. Though it might help bring a measure of decorum to such shindig’s otherwise rambunctious toddler-filled proceedings. The presence of Radio4 certainly helps me keep a civil tongue in my head. At least when speaking at volume. Dec - possibly genuinely brain-stalled, but I have my suspicions - asks me what it was we were supposed to ask the Beagle. "Mark!" I shout; "DINOSAUR!" Followed by, sotto voce, "you nearly made me say 'cock' on Radio4!"149

149 Would that more arguments began thusly.

263 Hour #14, 12-1pm

by Pei Yen (oxymoronish.tumblr.com)

264 Hour #14, 12-1pm

12.05 The Beagle may know a lot about dinosaur todgers, but it's quite difficult to understand anything being said by someone with that much mask between their mouth and the outside world150. Instead of interviewing him, it is instead decided that he should take requests. "FETCH!" insists one wag. Cookies are duly lobbed in his general direction. "Fetch the Oreos you lazy dog," instructs Mark151. We are now live on Radio4.

12.06 Actually, we're probably not now live on Radio4. I think this is for the good of all. Though it means their listenership miss out, in the short-term, on some scouting fun. For Emma announces that Tracey Thorne will sponsor us £200 if we all sing 'Ging Gang Goolie'. We are all thoroughly up for that. "It's such a beautiful song, isn't it?" Mark asks, as Adam checks the lyrics we know match the Aussie ones. Not quite. They chuck in a "wish wash" where we have a "wotcha"152.

12.07 Ging gang goolie goolie goolie goolie wotcha Ging gang goo, Ging gang goo, Ging gang goolie goolie goolie goolie wotcha Ging gang goo, Ging gang goo. Hey-lah, Hey-lah, Shey-lah Hey-lah, Shey-lah, Hey-lah, Ho - Oh Hey-lah, Hey-lah, Shey-lah Hey-lah, Shey-lah, Hey-lah, Ho - Oh

12.08 "If you're watching on the live-stream," says Mark, "get us to do stuff. We're whores…good whores…"

12.09 "Can we find one song I can learn?" pleads Tiernan, less hookerishly. 'Bohemian Rhapsody' is suggested. And almost as though he sent up a Batsignal, Rachel Parris arrives, and prepares to give him a quick keyboard lesson.

150 Which means I have since had to turn to the internet to find out more on this subject. And have thus discovered it's a great area for conjecture, and that we should all set selves up as experts IMMEDIATELY. Because genitals are made of soft tissue, which almost never survives fossilisation, paleontologists can't even be certain if male dinosaurs had penises. They, and their ladyfriends, may well have had cloacas, the all-purpose urination, defecation, and copulation hole that's all the rage with reptiles. Boy crocodiles keep their penis hidden inside their cloaca vent, which is a more pronounced bump than the girls' vents, which just hide their ciltorises. Maybe the same is true for dinosaurs. And maybe female dinosaurs will, like crocodiles, void the contents of their cloaca if you turn them over while trying to identify their sex. The makers of Jurassic Park were really onto something when they decided to keep the island single-sex, like some hospital wards, or Eton. Ruddy frog DNA, getting in the way of their matriarchal dream.

In related news, you can never unread a page of instructions on how to sex a crocodile.

151 Oh, poor old sluggish canines. If they're not being sent biscuit chasing, they're being used as a pommel horse by gymnastic vulpines. Hence the pangram 'the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog'. Though this short phrase that contains all of the letters of the alphabet could be shorter still. Hence: 'TV quiz jock, Mr. PhD, bags few lynx.' ' JFK got my VHS, PC and XLR web quiz.' 'Frowzy things plumb vex'd Jack Q.' (Of course, 'blowzy night-frumps vex'd Jack Q' too. Poor dear.)

152 Lord Baden-Powell is said to have written the song using gibberish, deliberately, so as attendees from 34 nations at the First World Scout Jamboree in 1920, could sing it together, irrespective of any one language. Vaguely ridiculous that, though it was created with universality in mind, and has only ten or so words, Adam and the rest of us could know different versions.

265 Hour #14, 12-1pm

12.11 Before he goes, Adam needs to whittle down the 'Last Leg' finalists. And Mark again gets to beam so happy that Channel4 are letting him do this.

12.13 Rob has had his meeting with Mark's publisher - went okay, yes - and is now poised to head off to the Gower Street Waterstones, which has the most copies of Mark's books within it. (And was also the London store where Mark did his most recent book launch, for 'The Knot', but I'm not sure whether that makes this more of a challenge - as they know him there - or less of one - as they have vague recollections of a self-effacing bespectacled thin man there.)

12.14 Rob will be signing books in the Gower Street Waterstones. So as he has a sample signature to emulate, Mark signs a paper plate, the nearest thing to hand. "They may wonder why I'm copying it off a plate," Rob points out. Mark recommends he practice before he gets to the shop, so he doesn't need the plate at all. Point.

12.15 Emma interrupts the plate advice to hand Mark a phone. It's Bob Geldof for him. Of course it is. Why wouldn't it be?

12.16 "Hello Sir Bob," begins Mark, "we're in the middle of this 25 hour show for Comic Relief." "Yeah I know," comes the bone- dry response, to some giggles and whooping here. "You're absolutely legendary for your charity efforts; have you got any words of encouragement or advice for us?" "Yeah, ask one of your audience to hand over the cocaine and keep going." Mark breaks out into a huge grin, and feeling that's the point to end on, simply gees us up with a cry of "Sir Bob Geldof!" Then passes the phone back, unable to carry on: "tell him I will". And from off the stage, a shout from Adam: "Loiive on Radio4!"

@adamhess1 Mark Watson has been speaking constantly for 13 hours and he's chatting to Geldoff on the phone now. Bangin on about band-aid again #25hours

12.17 I nip up the back, to change camera batteries over, as Corry announces she definitely has a boat, for Charley Birthday Challenge purposes.

266 Hour #14, 12-1pm

267 Hour #14, 12-1pm

12.18 Retake my seat. Almost immediately stand up again, as Pat Monahan has appeared on the aisle beside us, and needs to be hailed properly. I hug Pat. Pat is spotted by Mark, and introduced to the room. Pat then tries to hug everyone, starting with the man on the end of the fourth row and then just crowd-surfing his cuddle-machine way to the back of the room. Like Tiggers and their bouncing, this is just one of the things Pats do.

12.20 For their semi-final audition, the otherwise-silent James Walker and the generally-gregarious Adam Hills will interview the four candidates. Gemma, Kate, Saskia and Christopher Kirsty will need to present a sobstory reason for them to go through - as is de rigueur for such talent-shows - giving us some anguish from their past that they are bravely battling through as reason to root for them153.

12.21 Gemma makes her case. Her case is RUBBISH. The worst thing in her life is today failing to help a woman make a house out of cake, a lament she then ends with the upside of her having maybe found a husband. It is pointed out that this is not that sad. "He HAS disappeared!" she says, of Chris’ sudden absence. Not good enough.

153 Though not ‘root’ in the Aussie vernacular. Nooo.

268 Hour #14, 12-1pm

12.22 Kate's heartstring-tugging moment is also in-game, but a little more tactically chosen, as it gives the whole thing a narrative neatness; in the last Edinburgh Long Show she was knocked out of the running to be in Adam Hills' posse. A hurt that could here be remedied!

@laurenlaverne #25hours people! Just heard that @GeorgieRogers has a VIDEO MESSAGE FROM @ZachBraff for you! Who can I mail it to @watsoncomedian @EmmaK67?

12.23 Emma interrupts to announce that we have a VIDEO MESSAGE from Zach Braff! There are cheers. And then back to the A-grade heartbreak. Saskia plays it strong, telling of how her gran died at aged 10 from cancer, and the hamster she named after her also got cancer and died two weeks later.

269 Hour #14, 12-1pm

12.24 Lastly it's the turn of Christopher Kirsty. His first word, he says, was 'flower' (or 'flour', I suppose154) aged five. His second was 'hi', something it took him so long to say his friend just walked away.

154 More homophone fun! There may be quite the case for this particular word confusion having been used to best effect in Barrington’s song for Pancake Day (“well it’s Pancake Day, well it’s Pancake Day, yes it’s P- P-P-P-P-P-Pancake Day...”) from the first series of ‘Maid Marian & Her Merry Men’. Robin’s face when he realises he needs to “add a little flower” to the mix, honestly, it lights up like Kitson’s does when he found those Gary Glitter boots in ‘Phoenix Nights’.

270 Hour #14, 12-1pm

271 Hour #14, 12-1pm

12.25 Adam decides not to put Gemma through, and has the other three line-up, ready to be judged/saved by our cheers. It's too close to call. Kate, Saskia and Christopher Kirsty are all through to the final!

12.26 The Braff message is on the BBC website! We will get it up onscreen soon!

12.27 Adam leaves, his work here done. For now. Mark salutes him as he goes. "Hills! One foot! One heart! They're both pretty good!"

12.28 Dawn reports that the chance to have tea and a chat with Kirstie Allsop has gone for £670.

272 Hour #14, 12-1pm

TEA & CHAT WITH KIRSTIE ALLSOPP (MARK WATSON CHARITY AUCTION)

In support of Comic Relief and Mark Watson's 25 hour comedy gig, you can bid for an hour of house chat and tea in the garden with Kirstie (or kitchen if it rains).

Gardening is not one of Kirstie’s talents so don’t expect a lot!

At a London location and day of Kirstie’s choosing in collaboration with the highest bidder.

12.29 News is brought to Mark, via headlines on a phone: 'Groupon founder ousted as share price falls'. News he then feels he has had something to do with. Take that, company he has only just heard of! "Party cannon!" suggests one, keen for celebration +/ Mark to face his fears. Later, promises Mark.

12.30 Dawn has more eBay news. An hour in the pub with Caitlin Moran is currently going for two grand. "She'll kill them," worries Emma.

PUB GOSSIP WITH CAITLIN MORAN -MARK WATSON 1 DAY COMIC RELIEF AUCTION

In support of Comic Relief and Mark Watson's 25 hour comedy gig, Caitlin Moran is offering: "An hour in the pub, gossip, fags and gin GUARANTEED PLUS will probably get off with you if you're a hot man or a lesbian. If you're a straight woman I PROBABLY STILL WILL ANYWAY"

12.32 Finally, 'You & Yours' come through to interview Mark, Peter White putting a short series of polite questions to him. They haven't been broadcasting this whole Beagle/weepy -filled half hour. Good.

12.33 "How much have you had to plan this?" asks Peter, seemingly wondering - as many do - if Mark is doing 25 hours worth of stand-up, in a terrifying quintuple gig's worth of a marathon stint155. "Almost none," Mark tells him, explaining how a lot of the show grows around itself, and trying to convey a sense of what the show is, fourteen hours in, to listeners at more than one remove from us.

12.34 Peter asked his listeners to send him some consumer affairs jokes, for us. "I'm glad you did that," says Mark, brightly, as you would a taxi driver who reckons he's got one for you. I singularly fail to write any of the jokes down156. Probably because I was laughing so hard I forgot how to hold a pen; the finger-thumb grip is one of the first things to go when something strikes you as funny. That's why the problem of slippy bananas on the floor is a self-perpetuating one.

155 Comedy's great, and all, but I would hate to watch a full day's worth of pre-prepared stand-up. And I'm ME. Hours of 'anything could happen next' hooks you, in a way that 'oh I haven't yet done this routine, STRAP IN' cannot. (And this mayhap nutshells why freeform clown Dr Brown won the Perrier last year, rather than someone doing the same sharply written show, night after night.)

156 However, I can offer you this from the Bad Kids The same site is also where one can find this Jokes Tumblr, which is basically a strident commentary scathing summation of 90% of BBC3's output, on the vapidity of consumerism, with class-war and an awful lot of other channels, undertones, from a CHILD: publications and advertising strategies too: Knock, knock knock knock who’s there? who’s there Posh boobs Posh who? boobs who Posh lady,bye I have to go and shop i need more hats SOME BOOBIES HA HA HA

273 Hour #14, 12-1pm

@25HourChihuahua 'My tail with no wag'. Do one Papi. @watsoncomedian #25hours

12.38 We get the clip of Braff and Franco up on the backscreen, with a hat-tip of praise for Georgie, who did the interview. And who asks them directly for a message of support. Zach is game, fixing the camera with his weirdly octagonal face - very chiselled, all of a sudden - and saying: "hey Mark, I don't know how you could POSSIBLY be funny still after 25 hours but good on you. Uh. Congratulations." James, sitting on his right, seems obliged to chuck in his own two pence worth. "Good luck," he says, gazing right at the camera, then trails off with a flat toned "funny stuff", suggesting what we're up to is anything but. Possibly he hates charity. Possibly he is seething with jealousy that we have been hounding - small H - a man who lends his voice to a winged monkey in the movie, rather than himself, its lead157. Or possibly he has been dispensing soundbites to interchangeable journalists all day, and ever so slightly wishes he was dead.

157 When he is definitely up for all sorts of ludicrousness. By way of evidence, an extract from 's Latitude 2007 diary, when he was running the Book Club in the Literary Tent:

That night Martin's orchestra were outstanding, Phil Jeays played his few jovial numbers and shied away from his melancholy (despite my demands) and Waen Shepherd / Gary Le Strange performed a showstopping version of maggots*. I managed to gather every possible book clubber to take the stage and join like a deranged and rotting St Winifred's School Choir. I also bumped into James Franco and Ian hart , who I had met doing loose Ends that morning*, and they took to the stage as well. Meanwhile, Asher [Treleaven], Paul [Litchfield] and myself commando shuffled under the stage and suddenly appeared from under the hessian. I am told James Franco departed the stage declaring, "you guys are weird". Stewart Lee returned to our tent too and made some caustic comments on my TV whore work, I popped my head out, furrowed in mock anger, and Stewart decided I should take to the stage and be tested by him and the audience on what I could remember of the past. It was both fun, impromptu and vaguely embarrassing.

* Excellent terrifying song, from Gary Le Strange's 'Beef Scarecrow' era, which involves a mantra-like repeat of the word "maggots" over and over and over, as part of a longer opus on meat, and a hallucinated beach. Top Three Le Strange, I reckon, alongside 'Secret Wolf', and his plaintive ode to 'Michael The Swan' ("Michael Michael we all love you / Michael Michael be our daddy"), with his beard of bread, and firey nest.

** Robin didn’t realise the man had been in all three of the Tobey Maguire ‘Spider-Man’ movies. He was both embarrassed thereafter at his own gauche breeziness, and perversely boastful. Though it doesn’t quite top the time Robin was introduced to TV & radio presenter Dr Fox and asked him “a DJ? What, at parties and stuff?”

274 Hour #14, 12-1pm

12.39 Once the clip has ended, we are offered the chance to play it again. Yes, Mark thinks we should definitely do that. So we do. Funny stuff.

12.40 We get to see the total raised for Comic Relief so far, from folk putting money in to our collective Sponsorship pot, as well as the eBay auctions. We're at £20,049 now. Halfway through, and over 20 grand. Amazingness.

12.41 James Dowdeswell and his fellow flashmobber John take to the stage, to report on their activities from the previous hour. There was a small but enthusiastic public turn-out, and a disproportionately large number of coppers. "The police knew we were coming," says John, "they monitor Twitter." "The police RTd it!" Dowds adds.

275 Hour #14, 12-1pm

12.42 Pat, otherwise sitting quiet beside me, pipes up to say he arrived at about ten to, to find eight otherwise bored coppers arresting one particularly foolhardy shoplifter. Who had singularly failed to account for the presence of a large number of deterrents, in his criminal endeavours. So well done Comic Relief.

12.43 Pat shows the arrest picture he took, to those near enough to see his phone. The photo of cop- hugger Sanderson Jones - off for a gig in Scotland now - is much easier for all to see, they having got it up on the backscreen.

276 Hour #14, 12-1pm

12.44 James the busker talks to Mark on the phone, as I quietly play catch-up with Pat.

12.45 Stavros Flatley has got in touch with Emma, offering to come down and dance. Mark, so out of his depth when it comes to internet dance-crazes, is fully depth-happy here, explaining the celebrity hoofers as "a father and son duo, a mixture of Greek people and Riverdance". So there's that to look forward to.

12.46 Dustin Hoffman has not got in touch with Emma. Or with anyone else. She counsels we are unlikely to get him. A blow she has, of course, carefully eased by dropping in the Stavros Flatley news up top158.

158 N.B. Offering Stavros Flatley toi somreone expecting Dustin Hoffman does not ALWAYS help a situation.

277 Hour #14, 12-1pm

12.47 Holli and Yianni are back, from their Chipotle burrito quest. Not only that, but Holli is back in the pink again. Which draws Mark's attention, as they have for quite a lot of the gig so far; it is an extremely bright hue. "I don't know why this lady is in her pyjamas."

@25HourChihuahua What's funny: @watsoncomedian What's not funny: the things he makes you do. #25hours

12.49 Mark can also see the policeman. "How did your daughter's hockey game go, Ray?" Ray confesses he missed it; he went back to his hotel and then fell asleep. Oh, Ray.

12.50 Burritos are here! Burrito admin is upon us! Who wants a burrito?

12.51 Hot foil-wrapped packages are passed down the rows, people choosing between cheese, beef, or some other meat in their lunch torpedoes. It is a little bit like being on an aeroplane. Particularly as I don't consider any of it that appetising, and have brought my own food with which to sustain self.

12.52 Rich claims he has won thirty games of phone pool, on the trot.

@AlexHorne Still watching Mark Watson's #25hours with 4 month old plus 2 toddlers. They're hooked. Me too. Incredible stuff.

12.53 A Lego update is sought. Jan says they haven't cracked it. But they have built the car's chassis.

12.54 Mark fishes for more Sponsorship pledges, based on us doing things we would really rather not to. Misha will hold a tarantula for £200, for example. Though no-one then offers the money for her to do so. Nor seeks out such a big furry spider for her to hang out with. (If Tatler considered them fun, then maybe Emma Kennedy would have some contacts. But noooo.)

12.55 Mark announces that we are near the fourteen hour mark. ("Pie!") I ask if we can have a dance. Back is ouchy. And my body is going to sleep a bit now, even if eyes, ears, hands and brain are still with it.

12.56 We welcome back Oliver Fisher, still clutching his laptop, but no longer quite so set on keeping his eyes on the Chihuahua antics at absolutely all times.

278 Hour #14, 12-1pm

12.57 Since we last saw him, Oli has watched 'Beverly Hills Chihuahua' in Spanish. Now he's returned to English. "It's been quite enjoyable to get back to what I know." Mark agrees, and asks if he is noticing more about the film the more he does this. "Oh no, not at all," Oli tells him. "Once you've seen it you've kind of seen it with 'Beverly Hills Chihuahua'?" checks Mark, in a quote unlikely to ever be used on any forthcoming re-release packaging. "Actually in fairness," Oli corrects self, "after about the fifth time I watched it there was a scene which I'd somehow completely missed."

12.58 Interrupting somewhat, Mark is handed a burrito. It's a cheese one. He is fine for cheese. Promising he WILL eat a Babybel at some point, Mark offers Oli the burrito. Oli is also offered the chance to stay for the marking of the hour, which he is much happier to accept. Voice cracking slightly, he tells us "I'd like that", before realising he might be painting self into a lonely corner; "it's pretty wild in the boiler room!" he insists. The Countdown guys are now on two grand for their ordeal, it's reported. Orr yeah!

12.59 His hands clenched into fists in readiness, Tiernan awaits his next pie.

279 Hour #14, 12-1pm

280 Hour #14, 12-1pm

Countdown Challenge, 12-1pm

Innis Round Time Selection Mark Deeks Score Best Max Carson 273 12.00 pm VEQEKAMDC macked (X) 1925 – 1949 CAKED MEDEVAC 2177

274 12.05 pm SNPDIEOSU DISPOSE 1925 – 1957 DOPINESS DOPINESS 2185 871 100 2 9 1 5 8 275 12.08 pm 871 1935 – 1957 871 (X) 2195 → 871 8 * (100 + 9) - 1 LUPIN PONZU159 276 12.17 pm PLZLUIOLN LUPIN 1940 – 1957 PILL 160 2200 POILU UNZIP 277 12.21 pm SITAVIPRU PURIST 1940 – 1964 UPSTAIR UPSTAIR 2207

278 12.23 pm CFTRIIOTI iritic (X) 1940 – 1970 TRICOT TRICOT161 2213

ABASHES 279 12.26 pm SASAHEBLS SLASHES 1947 – 1977 ABASHES HASSLES 2220 SLASHES 370 75 10 10 6 9 280 12.29 pm 370 1957 – 1987 370 2230 25 → 370 6 * 75 - (9 * 10 - 10) GARDENS FEDORAS FORAGED FORAGES DANGERS ONAGERS162 281 12.33 pm DEFORANGS GROANED 1964 – 1994 GARDENS DEFRAGS 2237 DRAGONS ORANGES GROANED DEFANGS GANDERS SNARFED163

282 12.35 pm NBJHEOERT THEREON 1971 – 2001 THEREON THEREON 2244

283 12.37 pm TEGAYETNR GRANTEE 1978 – 2008 REAGENT ENTREATY 2252

CRIMED 284 12.40 pm CDMMEIERM DIMMER 1984 – 2014 DIMMER RIMMED 2258 DIMMER 541 100 75 50 25 285 12.42 pm 541 1994 – 2014 540 2268 10 3 → 541 3 * (100 + 75 + 50 / 25) + 10

159 'Ponzu'. Noun. A tangy Japanese citrus sauce or dressing. Zesty ketchup. Sort of.

160 'Poilu'. Noun. A French soldier, particularly on the WW1frontlines; a thick rice & chicken stew in Southern America.

161 'Tricot'. Noun. A soft knitted fabric that does not run.

162 'Onager'. Noun. A type of wild donkey; Roman siege engines that work like catapults.

163 'Snarfed'. Verb. To grab, eat or drink greedily. As in "hey Lion-O, Schnarf really snarfed that down".

281 Hour #14, 12-1pm CLAIRE'S DATE #14 - PIERRE (midday)

Date #14 was somewhat of an emergency measure, as my previous #14 had emailed earlier to cancel. So much for charidee! So I decided to invite myself over for a date with my neighbour in the theatre bar, comedian and artist Pierre, whose challenge over the 25 hours was to draw the entire time. Poor guy. We were both flagging significantly at this point, but onwards we fought. Pierre had actually previously read my blog, and was curious to get the inside track on some of my more 'unusual' dates, so I recalled with deluded fondness the Bengali poet with the mutant third tooth who got so fucked on rum he started sniffing my hair, before passing out in a pool of his own beverage.

We were briefly joined by one of the newly-released record-holding hugees, who took it upon himself to also have a sniff of my hair, before leaving us to move onto the topic of body parts. Pierre, it turns out, can add random trivia and the dispelling of anatomical myths to his CV, such as the fact that your hair and nails don't grow after you die, it's just your body that shrinks, and the fact that although most people believe (myself included) that when you're born, your eyeballs are the only thing that stays the same size, which apparently is utter bullshit.

The date was short and sweet, and I left questioning everything I've ever known, but it was worth it to have seen Pierre's latest creation, the last in a long line of highly depressed characters that look like members of the royal family.

282 Hour #15, 1-2pm Hour #15 1-2pm

13.00 Tiernan - still fist-clenched - is pie'd smack in the face by Danielle. The poses he pulls would make for an excellent tie-in doll.

13.01 Mark asks a few more questions of Oli, who has stayed on the stage and mostly focused on the film. One particular dog is flirting again, he says, with the frustrated disappointment of a kindly teacher or guidance counsellor who really thought better of you. Though he doesn't want to give us

283 Hour #15, 1-2pm too much information, "in case anybody is inspired to watch it". Which sounds ludicrous. And yet. I bet if any one of this audience see it come up in the TV listings, or find it for sale for anything under £3, we will be unable to avoid the temptation.

13.02 "There's actually a girl in a bikini there," says Oli, before trailing off, running out of power like TikTok from 'Return To Oz'. "A broken man," summarises Mark, kicking in like the Emergency Tape would on Radio1 if there was too much dead-air. "Can't even remember what you're meant to think when you see a girl in a bikini, just remembers a time in his life when that would have excited him. You're an absolute TROOPER, Oliver!"

13.03 We have had another supportive tweet from Jack Dee. Huzzah Jack Dee. We also have an impromptu dance lesson from New Art Club, who I would hope materialised in the theatre as soon as my request reached dance mission control.

13.04 Pete and Tom get us all to stand up, and reach for the ceiling, really stretching out our arms. Left, then right. Streeeetch.

13.05 They can tease all they want about how getting a couple of hundred shower-avoiders to raise their arms is stenchily inadvisable. This feels GREAT. Them two might be beaming over how pliable we are to suggestion; we're just happy to be up and out of our seats for a bit.

13.06 With the room divided into two sections, we are given instructions on mass movement; the right arm coming down in a curve to raise the middle finger towards our opponents, or, with back to them, pointing to the rump. A very stylised, and brief, turf war. Followed by some vocal work - "meeee", "yoooo" - and then the sounds in conjunction with rhythmic movements, a back-and-forth of the pelvis as we hold hands with our neighbours.

13.08 We are to hold hands with the person next to us, face them, and swing the pelvis forwards and back, while intoning "me" and "you". I partner left, with Dec, as the rest of the room buddies up. We do alright with the push-me-pull-you, it's the language I come unstuck on. Although it is a binary choice of two one-syllable words, I still get confused. In my defence, we are fifteen hours in to this. In my prosecution, I have two degrees, and the word "you" should not be beyond me.

284 Hour #15, 1-2pm

13.10 We are permitted to retake our seats, and New Art Club do one of their own movement pieces for us. You know, the classic Aboriginal Australian war-dance, whose didge-style mouth-music accompaniment gradually starts to sound a lot like the words "". They throw increasingly outlandish shapes, onstage, as Dec amenably kneads me in the base of the spine. HAPPINESS.

13.11 Jeepers but that guy really likes Danni Minogue ("Danni Minogue, Danni Minogue, Danni-mi Danni- mi Danni Minogue…").

285 Hour #15, 1-2pm

13.12 Returning to the stage, Mark announces that Vikki Stone is writing a power-ballad for us. And Claire reports on her "unlucky 13" date, who got lost and poured tea everywhere when he did make it.

13:14 Checking up on the other budding romance in the room, Mark asks if Chris and Gemma are together on the balcony. "It's all a bit 'Dawson's Creek' up there," we're told, likely more for the tangled relationships than anyone's massive forehead, precocious vocabulary164 or their [personality-]over- riding love of Steven Spielberg's output165.

13.15 Susie is back, from Liverpool. Or rather her attempt to get to Liverpool. Huge trouble with the trains today; she wasn't even able to get to her job in time. So she's back to where she should be. Here.

@TiernanDouieb #pieano update: I can't even feel custard anymore. I can't feel piano keys anymore. #25Hours

164 I stopped watching that series when Joey used the word "persnickety". (Like "pernickety" - she notes, fussily - but with an S in it.) At least in 'Bugsy Malone' having kids act like adults was a deliberate conceit.

165 There are other things to salute the man for. Though he dropped out of California State University at Long Beach in 1968, he went back in 2002 - four years after 'Dawson's Creek' started - to finish his bachelor's degree in film and electronic arts. Doing all the necessary coursework. And going that extra mile; while all that University's senior film majors are required to submit a completed 12-minute short film, he was allowed to submit the 195 minute 'Schindler's List'. For which he won Best Picture and Best Director at the 1994 Oscars, and the Golden Globes.

286 Hour #15, 1-2pm

13.16 Lenny Henry rings in. Lenny Henry! He's out of London at the moment, in a play called Fences at Bath's Theatre Royal166. "I have to play a black person, it's really difficult!" Heh. "How did you research the role?" asks Mark, gamely; Lenny happily tells him about some of the black people he's spoken to, and that he's even tried some of their food! "How are YOU doing, more importantly?" Lenny asks; "I hear Bob Geldof told you to take cocaine." "Yers," admits Mark. "I was going to say it wasn't QUITE like that, but yes that's EXACTLY what he did." Lenny recommends lemon and ginger tea, instead. It livens you up a bit. Mark says we're all at the stage where we could use that, and wonders about maybe getting "a giant lemon"167. Before having us all cheer, as proof we're doing alright.

13.18 Lenny says Mark is "the main man". "Maybe you thought I was Kanye," demurs Mark. You guys!

13.20 The busker is still busking, but doesn't have long to go. Mark wants to find someone to go and get him. A Jason offers to go, and Hannah. And another lady. "Something like 'Katherine', isn't it?" Mark checks. "That'll do, says the possible Katherine. "KIRSTY!" he beams.

@TiernanDouieb Oh and I won't lie, the piano bit has gone to shit so now it's mainly support for custard/not dying.

13.22 Pierre is asked to make a congratulatory banner, for James. Be nice for him to have a commission that doesn't necessarily need to involve a troubling face or figure.

13.23 The twins are back, from their Monopoly quest! A respectable second, I think; they even managed to get sent to jail! Rachel explains they got a police officer to pretend to arrest Helen. Good work, guys.

13.24 "There's a clown outside," reports Misha, "he looks a bit lost." Ah yes, that will be Tiernan's one o'clock appointment. And possibly also a bit too much for some, in this tentative psychological state. Clowns do have that IT factor.

166 Says Lenny, on his website: " The play is wonderful – a bugger to learn – but once it’s in you, it shines."

167 Am wary, but that's mostly down to John Allison's excellent comic about a Lemon Festival gone awry, in a 1950s B-movie moths-rargh kind of a way: http://shop.scarygoround.com/product/shelley-winters-that-book

287 Hour #15, 1-2pm

288 Hour #15, 1-2pm

13.25 We need to think of another lesson for the Primary School kids! "I could probably teach one," reckons Susie. We do not send her to Ipswich. Instead we distract ourselves from all such tasks, with Yianni getting onstage to teach us his own personal brand of mathematics, and thus how many people his Hour #11 calculations suggested are alive now, compared to ever. He starts with a conservative figure of around 2, in 50,000 BC, which has climbed to 300,000,000 by 1AD, and has now reached 7,000,000,000168. Yianni estimates there have been 106 billion who have ever lived; 7 billion is 15.142% of that. Fair do’s.

168 Two weeks after this gig, I see a scratch night of 's new show, in which he suggests - among many other chewy tidbits and ideas - that if everyone now just stopped having kids, were not able to have kids, it would be for the best for the planet. And it would mean that everyone got a bonus 20 years in the middle of their life which they could use to learn a new skill. (Or three, if you hold with Malcolm Gladwell's notion that it takes seven years to get really good at something.) Dan would go with lathing. Or maybe getting really good at jumping from a jet-ski to a helicopter. One hesitates to suggest that he could already do so, given he has no children and enough spare time to a) do a minimum daily search for his own name on the internet, and correspondingly b) delightedly learn he is frequently namechecked on Guardian Soulmates profiles, c) resent the Kitson clothing chain for skewing the results and d) bask in the warmglow of praise from strangers, which makes Google a "compliment box" in the corner he can no more resist than biscuits. Or at least, one hesitates to do so in a WORD document; he can't Google to find this.

N.B. When not being outed for my "naughty chuckles", during, I was also dubbed "clerky" for my being able to remind Dan what his reminder notes are for, themselves a back-up for his recording the show. Back-up your back-up is the modern way, he reckons. I am the back-up back-up back-up, then. Fully capable of minding a man he wrote down a suggestion he frequents dive-bars and pisses on strangers hands to get the shit off them, as a way of teasing his mum's once-bewildering resentment at a poor-functioning supermarket hot-tap. That had only happened forty-ish minutes earlier. I've concentrated on shows for far longer than that.

289 Hour #15, 1-2pm

290 Hour #15, 1-2pm

13.27 Yianni also talks us through his Hour #12 maths, which saw him try to establish how many possible Tweets there are, based on each tweet being a maximum of 140 characters long and there being a potential 256 characters to chose from, be they letters, punctuation, or those weird symbols that you mostly only need if you want to swear like a pirate in the Asterix books. The answer, as I understand it, is LOTS. He put numbers in his answer. But we're both right.

13.28 Pierre has finished his banner for James the busker. It's "a bit reserved," he cautions. It is a large roll of brown paper, on which tall white letters spell out WELL DONE. It's perfect.

13.29 Emma ducks under the banner - look, she's managed not to wee behind it! - to come and give Mark some more news. Jennifer Saunders is confirmed for 3.30pm!

291 Hour #15, 1-2pm

13.30 Rob Palk's girlfriend, on the row behind us, has a helium-themed message to pass on from Mark's real-world emissary: "Rob wants to know how many canisters we need". Charley is worried that the helium we are scrounging would be much better used in MRI scanners and other things of science. At her urging, we drop the idea of a helium balloon ride. Rob can stand down on the gas- acquisition mission. (And, not, say, now go and bring us back anything up to quarter of The Sun's staff, whom he will lie to en route, for tenuous helium-proportion taking-for-a-ride purposes.)

13.31 Cancelling the request for helium leaves us with 800 unfilled balloons in the building. Mark is bravely on board with our blowing them up to do SOMETHING with them for Charley. The bags are thus passed around the room: if everyone takes eight, this will be done in no time.

292 Hour #15, 1-2pm

13.33 Vikki Stone's band set-up as we dutifully inflate the balloons, and so fill the room with a series of bouncy fun orbs / eminently poppable threats, depending on your view. Our host is much more in the latter camp; Mark's nerves soon stretched to the point where they could be played by Vikki's violinists. But the string section seem set on power-ballad accompaniment. And those ladies, unlike Bonnie Tyler, are not for turning169.

@adamhess1 Trying to work out Kanye's email address so I can ask him to come down. I bet it's something like [email protected] #25hours

13.35 With Mark taking his semi- traditional Long Show place at the drumkit, behind Vikki's white piano, we are treated to a scorching power-ballad, backed by a string quartet and Matt Blair's rocking geetar, on the subject of this very show:

The earth has been around for four billion years / Four billion more before it disappears So try to see it this way / It's only one hour and a day Although that's easy for me to say I can leave the stage and I can have a poo/ Which is more than MAAAARK CAAAAN DOOOOOO

169 "Swans, the antidote to Bonnie Tyler" insists a sudden email from Camden venue Koko, bewilderingly referencing a long running radio4 quiz* as it goes. As though the birds/band give you immunity from stomping Welsh power-ballads. As though that sentence is a good sentence. Maybe if they'd boasted of having Oxide & Neutrino on the bill, "the antidote to Poison". Because 100% oxygen is the antidote to carbon monoxide poisoning, see, or cyanide. Though of course Poison themselves had a covers band called Antidote for a while, who have now changed their name to Dirty Penny, and do scuzzy glamrock, likely the opposite to Thom York's Eraser album, which is neat as a rubber will clean pennies (and I know of no band called Salt & Vinegar, which will also do the job. Or Ketchup & Tabasco. Or Cillit Bang, but I bet the latter are currently rehearsing in a garage SOMEWHERE…)**.

* And if panel game 'I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue' was truly an "antidote to panel games", as it styles self, it would be a serpent biting its own tail. Though as the ouroboros has long been a symbol of alchemy, perhaps this explains why the radio programme's combination of ingredients - puns, forced singing, occasional jigsaw-construction - transmutes into broadcast gold.

** You know, in Gideon Defoe's gloriously rambunctious series of 'Pirates!' novels, the footnotes are exclusively sensible, sober and factual, which lends a lovely counterweight to the ham-based nonsense happening above***. However, as I understand it, this is only necessary for English language books which are set almost exclusively at sea, and where key characters are not named, but rather indicated by their rank or appearance (e.g. 'Captain', 'albino', 'with bedroom eyes'). Good good.

*** For example, on p126 of 'The Pirates! In An Adventure with the Romantics' - which is mostly concerned with being snide about anthropologists and cowboys - footnote #24 says:

"The fourth - and fairly ineffectual - Bodeleian librarian was Thomas Lockey, a man who died of a 'surfeit of cherries', one of the best ways to go."

The author fails to then draw an analogy to Pacman, or hypothesise that the ghosts in his house also OD'd on the fruits which now litter its corridors (hence their fear of them, and the Vitamin C enhanced Mr P.Man), because, as previously stated, Gideon's footnotes are far more sensible than that. They don't even go on to mention, for example, how the ghosts would be right to fear grapefruits, as its juice can have severe, sometimes fatal, interactions with over 85 drugs. They don't mention ghosts AT ALL.

293 Hour #15, 1-2pm

by Pei Yen (oxymoronish.tumblr.com)

294 Hour #15, 1-2pm

@C_T_S My lovely dad keeps emailing me to make sure I'm still alive and to find out who I fancy out of my #25Hour dates. Bless.

13.41 During the song, Emma Kennedy has somehow – well, she is ‘Fun Editor at Tatler’ - acquired a red balloon monkey haplorhine primate170 clinging to a long green balloon branch. (Or pole. It could be

170 Got an Anthropology degree. Seldom use it.

295 Hour #15, 1-2pm a special dancing prosimian171.) I am impressed with both the balloon modelling skills someone in here possesses, and the way in which we are all still able to entertain ourselves; those still present very much not the kind of people to wail "muuuuum, I'm boooored". If the show is not enough in itself, you could always set yourself a creative task, e.g. to make a 25 hour blog, Lego Tecnic race- car, scarf, cake house, album, etc.

13.42 There are now balloons EVERYWHERE. And two balloon corpses, fallen soldiers in the fun war. It is suggested that we could maybe balance Charley on a layer of balloons - lying down, presumably, to better distribute the surface area pressure - so as she has definitely been on a ride.

@adamhess1 Balloons everywhere now. Watson not sure if balloons are popping or assassination attempts. Think he's lost it #25hours

13.43 A lady has a maths problem, for Yianni. She donated a pint of blood at 7pm on Thursday; how many blood cells were taken out, and how long will it be until they are replenished? He adds it to the to-do list.

171 It's definitely not a baby sloth. The balloon head's all wrong, for a sloth of any age. Plus they are not famed for their grip, a fact I know thanks to Douglas Adams, whose 'Salmon of Doubt' collection contains the following gem, among many others:

“My favourite piece of information is that Branwell Brontë, brother of Emily and Charlotte, died standing up leaning against a mantle piece, in order to prove it could be done.

This is not quite true, in fact. My absolute favourite piece of information is the fact that young sloths are so inept that they frequently grab their own arms and legs instead of tree limbs, and fall out of trees."

296 Hour #15, 1-2pm

by Pei Yen (oxymoronish.tumblr.com)

297 Hour #15, 1-2pm

13.44 Mark is extremely unhappy with the balloons172. Even though only two have popped so far. I think it's the "so far" that is gnawing at him.

13.45 After some consideration, it is decided that a cab will be called and filled with balloons, for Charley to ride in. To this end, the balloons are gathered up into huge refuse sacks, a room tidying operation that also eases Mark's jangling nerves.

13.47 Custard clowns are here! Reckoning their set-up will take a little while, I abandon post, and nip off for Wee #3, returning to find Tiernan has changed out of his wolf onesie into a striped shirt and dark shorts. Like a dignified bather from at least the one previous century. An Edwardian gentleman Ewok about to take the waters, mayhap. And by 'waters' I mean 'custard bullying wot’s coming to him'. .

172 As best exemplified by this explanatory diagram, from www.marriedtothesea.com:

298 Hour #15, 1-2pm

@deadlyknitshade Sat behind a man in a beagle suit @watsoncomedian's #25hours for #rednoseday.

299 Hour #15, 1-2pm

13.53 Emma Jones has arrived. On an eight hour round trip, to bring cake. Nobody sings her 'Copacabana'. Nobody was really expecting to.

13.55 There is a large amount of protective covering over the floor. There are two clowns from Mr Fip's Wonder Circus, in chef's garb, holding large sponge discs topped with pastel-shaded goop. There is a third spare pie, also onstage with them. But the thing that really draws the eye, as they set up, is the yellow bath full of custard.

13.59. Tiernan stands ready, on the striped matting, Mark well out of the way and happy to be out of spatter range. An apron-clad clown flanks him on either side, each wielding a large creamy pie. One moves to shake his hand, before the melee commences, as you would offer one last kindness to a condemned man. And the countdown continues in earnest…

300 Hour #15, 1-2pm

Countdown Challenge, 1-2pm

Innis Round Time Selection Mark Deeks Score Best Max Carson 286 1.01 pm RCGMUOETT GOURMET 2001 – 2021 GOURMET GOURMET 2275 REALGAR 287 1.03 pm RAGAKELUR REGULAR 2008 – 2028 REALGAR 2282 REGULAR 288 1.06 pm SFBVIIENA BASIN 2013 – 2033 VEINS NAVIES 2288

SADDEN DOWSED DAWNED SNOWED 289 1.08 pm DESOWAWND SNOWED 2019 – 2039 DAWNED 2294 SODDEN SANDED ENDOWS ANODES 381 75 100 10 3 4 5 290 1.11 pm 381 2029 – 2049 381 2304 → 381 5 * 75 + 10 - 4 POUND 291 1.14 pm TOXUPODQN POUND 2034 – 2054 POUND OUTDO 2309 TONDO ABETTER 292 1.18 pm TRBTAAEFE BEREFT 2034 – 2061 ABETTER 2316 TABARET TIBIAS 293 1.20 pm SIVITAPBI BAITS 2039 – 2066 BAITS 2322 VIBIST SHEENY SHANNY 294 1.22 pm YHNJEEANS HYENAS 2045 – 2072 HYENAS 2328 HENNAS HYENAS 147 50 8 4 3 10 5 295 1.24 pm 147 2055 – 2082 147 2338 → 147 3 * 50 - (8 - 5) GENEVER 296 1.27 pm ZNVGEEERO REVENGE 2062 – 2089 REVENGE 2345 REVENGE SUSLIK 297 1.31 pm LIBUSIGKS SIGILS 2068 – 2089 BUSKS 2351 SIGILS 298 1.34 pm WDRTEEERI RETIRED 2068 – 2097 TWEEDIER TWEEDIER 2359 299 1.36 pm RIPOLILWT TRIPOLI 2075 – 2104 TRIPOLI PILLWORT 2367 75 50 2 6 7 8 544 300 1.39 pm 544 2085 – 2114 544 2377 → 544 8 * (75 - 7) 301 1.42 pm TUNERAGAI AERATING 2093 – 2122 AERATING AERATING 2385

302 1.45 pm TDFSAOORM DOORMATS 2101 – 2130 DOORMATS DOORMATS 2393 303 1.47 pm RUQENODTU RODENT 2101 – 2137 UNQUOTE UNQUOTED 2401 DUPION LUPOID 304 1.49 pm XPLNUIODP DUPION 2107 – 2143 LUPOID 2407 UNIPOD POPLIN 446 100 75 50 25 4 305 1.51 pm 446 2117 – 2153 446 2417 10 → 446 (75 / 25) * (100 + 50) - 4

301 Hour #15, 1-2pm CLAIRE'S DATE #15 - CHAD (2pm)

It's now 2pm, I've been dating for around 15 hours, I've been awake for over 28 hours, which might explain a little about why this date went the way it did… What Chad brought to the party, apart from yet another strong beard, was Play Doh! Now I've not seen Play Doh in well over 20 years, and I was disproportionately delighted to see the very cement of my childhood. I had fond recollections about sculpting awesome objects to proudly present to my parents, whilst revelling in the salty smell of this amazing substance. So we started sniffing it, and the memories started flooding back. Then, and this is most definitely a sign of the time, we started eating it. Just a little bit mind, to remind myself of quite how shit it tasted back in the eighties, and I can confirm it tastes just as as I remembered. I felt very very sick. Nausea aside, we forged on with the date, and because I was struggling with the powers of speech, Chad gallantly offered to sculpt my effigy out of Dynorod orange, blue hair, and purple shoes. To match my eyes. How very thoughtful. So without further ado, here's me. With boobs. I won't lie, it's a little bit awkward making small talk with a date whilst they're rolling your miniature mammaries around in front of you between their thumb and forefinger... You'll just have to take my word for it, but this is scarily more of an accurate depiction of me at that point in time, and I am in no way offended. I especially like the way my right eye has got bored of being friends with the left and has started to do its own thing. The date ended in the revelation that Chad was tempted to come to the date dressed as Zippy from Rainbow, and taunted with what might have been, I was left a little disappointed. Oh, I forgot, at some point I did sing 'I wish I could fly', Orville stylee. This definitely will not have added to a good first date impression. This is why you need sleep, people...

302 Hour #16, 2-3pm Hour #16 2-3pm

14.00. Tiernan gets two pies in the face, simultaneously, thick minty green goo smushed over his face and, where rubbed in, his top half too. Leaving him standing soggy, one pie still stuck to his right ear, the clowns rush off to the back of the stage. With a once-clean hand, Tiernan wipes away at the cream around his mouth and under his nose, so he can breathe actual air.

The pair return, and turn Tiernan round to face the back wall. One is holding what looks like a full bowl of trifle; the other has the third green-topped pie, held dangerously close to Tiernan's backside. "Shall I?" he calls, and the crowd roar their approval. He repeats the questions, and the "YES!" comes back still louder. "Clown fun!" commentates Mark. The pie is smacked against Douieb's bum, and rubbing it in. The blue-green cream drips down his bare legs. "Crowd-pleasing from the clown!" adds Mark, the pie left where it landed.

Tiernan is turned back round to face us, again pawing the cream away from his face. Raises the goggles to see what is next in store for him. See a man holding a hat full of custard, fishing for the crowd's approval. And replaces the goggles. "Homo-erotic sadism from the clown!" summates Mark. "He claims not to hear you! He CAN really hear you! It's FUN!" The hat is squished down over Tiernan's head. Pink goo splurges out the bottom, and a handy blowhole in its roof allows a spurt of blue to fly upwards some feet. Custard fountain. Amazing.

[Screen-caps taken from Katie Evans' YouTube clip.]

303 Hour #16, 2-3pm

14.01 The clowns have one last 'treat' in store for Tiernan. The yellow bath that's directly behind him. Again the clowns gesture to us, to ask for our approval. Should he go in? "YERRRRS!"

Each holding him by an arm, the clowns lower Tiernan into the custard bath. Which promptly erupts in yellow goo, displacement forcing another blue-streaked fountain to erupt around our bowler-hatted Archimedes. To great cheers. And Mark telling us it's "the saddest thing you will ever see".

The clowns wave, and briskly leave the stage, their work here done. "And then they just fuck off an leave him!" giggles Mark, unable to quite believe what just happened. Tiernan left on the stage alone, wedged into the bath and thickly yellow from the waist down (bar one inexplicably clean shin).

304 Hour #16, 2-3pm

14.02 "It's fifteen hours guys!" calls Mark, tentatively making his way back onto the stage. "That's the good news! The bad news is THIS!" The clowns return, one gamely trying to clean off a yellow/green foot as Emma snaps a close-up photo. "If you're watching this at home you NEED to sponsor this man," says Mark. As Tiernan, really amping up the tragedy, slowly tips over backwards in the bath, leaving custardy legs waggling in the air. "Even more so now he's flopped over onto his back! Up to his TITS in custard."

305 Hour #16, 2-3pm

306 Hour #16, 2-3pm

Tiernan manages to stand, on the goo-slick sheeting. Tiernan wobbles. Tiernan goes over backwards, landing flat on his back. He comes up laughing, as Mark checks if he's alright but oh, sweetheart. "Again! AGAIN!" yells a voice in the crowd. "No, I don't think so," says Mark, fairly determined the man has done enough. "The opposite of 'again', I would say. That was the most horrifying slide I've ever seen," Mark tells us, adding for emphasis: "I've seen some sliding in my life! That was UNBELIEVABLY gut-wrenching to watch. Ladies and gentlemen, there is no applause in the world big enough for TIERNAN DOUIEB!"

14.03 A big brown towel is found, for Tiernan, and paper napkins to go beneath his feet. His girlfriend, Leila, has only just got here. Mark asks how she's doing. "She needs a hug!" insists a heckler. She absolutely does not rush the stage to claim one, instead telling him, and us, "it's a matter of pride and concern".

307 Hour #16, 2-3pm

308 Hour #16, 2-3pm

14.05 Tiernan says a proper thankyou to the custard dunkers, making damn sure we know they're from Mr Fip's Wonder Circus. And then pads off the stage, following the next-foot-here trail of paper towels as he goes, for mess-assuaging purposes.

@25HourChihuahua Might contact some sort of education council. See if this can count towards a BTEC or something. @watsoncomedian #25hours

14.07 Emily has texted in, asking if it's too late to bid on the Jon Snow auction. The Channel4 news visit is up to £400 on eBay. But Mark reckons she should go for it…

JON SNOW SET VISIT & TOUR (MARK WATSON CHARITY AUCTION)

In support of Comic Relief and Mark Watson's 25 hour comedy gig, you can bid for a 4 people visit to C4 news which includes a tour by Jon Snow, sit in on a show and watch the live transmission from the control room. On any day of your choice..any weekday (Mon-Thurs) in the next twelve months

14.09 After a short auction update, and the news that people carrier has been ordered, Mikey - luxuriously Sanderson-free - wanders up to salute the Countdown guys. Who are not only still going, but are now on more than 20,000 points each!

14.11 Zoë suggests we get Carol Vorderman in to set the final Countdown Conundrum. Or her replacement, Rachel Riley. Whose mere name provokes an involuntary noise of lascivious appreciation from one of the boys sitting in the middle of the room. Or maybe he just really really loves word games.

309 Hour #16, 2-3pm

@25HourChihuahua 10 times. Bosh bash bosh! (Said with the least conviction that phrase has ever seen) @watsoncomedian #25hours

14.14 Kate asks if we should set another lesson, and audience suggestions are again sought. Maybe they could write us 25 jokes - the ComedyClub4Kids Academy graduates have proved such a thing possible173 - or decorate 25 letters?

@C_T_S It's got to that point in the #25Hour megadate...we're eating Play Doh. I can confirm it still tastes as shot as it did when I was a child

14.16 We have another message from Australia, which briefly takes over the backscreen: a photo of a whomping great big audience in Adelaide – whose? why? - all purportedly wishing us well. Not enough accompanying information, mind.

173 When 14 year old Preston Nyman crashed his car through drink-driving, he says, he didn't know which AA to ring first!

310 Hour #16, 2-3pm

14.17 Emma has more news! Emma has put £500 behind the bar, to say thankyou to the audience! The gesture is much appreciated by the room, with Mark setting up a new League Table of Loveliness, that has her ranked third below Ghandi and Jesus. Dec almost immediately goes to take advantage of this, taking orders from our end of the row as he goes. (An enclave which now includes his friend Ella, whose late arrival is one more ‘oh okay’ in 25 hours worth, and who has had to be hurriedly caught up on some considerable hours of activity.)

14.18 Mark Deeks and Innis Carson are here, the Countdown veterans who have now played more than 300 rounds of the game. An activity which needs two types of explanation for Ella, who was neither here at the start of this show, nor born in this country, and thus has not got the headstart shared by most in the room. "How do you fancy playing some Countdown?" Mark asks the pair of them. They seem quite up for that, yes.

@adamhess1 Looks like Mark Watson wants to play Countdown now. Wasn't expecting this. If you want to donate £5 you can text 'Mark' to 70005 #25hours

14.20 "Rachel from the show is offering £25 for every 9 letter word we get," says Mark Deeks. "I think we've got 13." Which makes £325 for Comic Relief. Not for them. They are not being bribed directly.

311 Hour #16, 2-3pm

14.23 With scoremaster Zarte Siempre in the room, a game can begin, Deeks and Carson peering down at the letters S-S-H-C-E-U-I-C-A; the former using pen and paper to anagramise, while the latter just plays in his head.

14.24 From the available letters, Mark Deeks has a seven, and Innis Carson an eight. Though the official record says the latter managed only a six, with CASHES to Mark's SUCCAHS. But that's only something that could be important if there were only a few points in the game by the time they got to the final round, right..?

Dictionary.com website definition of succah/sukkah noun a booth or hut roofed with branches, built against or near a house or synagogue and used during the Jewish festival of Sukkoth as a temporary dining or living area. Origin: late 19th century: from Hebrew sukkāh 'hut' http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/sukkah

312 Hour #16, 2-3pm

313 Hour #16, 2-3pm

14.26 Markus and Giles hold up the mural, so we can see how it is progressing. Braff jubilation and Mark's love for Lineker have now been recorded, alongside Shatner's space-ship and a one-legged kangaroo. "Markus' mural is now a lot better than anything that's been done before," Mark tells us.

14.28 Dec brings back drinks for he and Ella - I won't last if I start now, eesh - they very much quaffing to Emma's good health. To a soundtrack of Patrick Kielty. Who is sitting in for Steve Wright in the Afternoon, and has a few questions for Mark. As well as some jokes from his Radio2 listeners, again on the offchance that they may be needed. None of them are even slightly consumer affair related. (For the best, I think. As we don't want to be going back over old ground. That is it. Yes.)174

14.30 Patrick Kielty mostly has listeners' jokes for Mark. "Mark!" calls Patrick, valiantly ploughing into the bit. "'I bought a dog from a blacksmith. When I got home it made a bolt for the gate.'" "I don't mind that," appraises Mark, "that's a good doggie pun."

174 Skip ahead a couple of lines if you wish to collude in imagining the Radio2 gags were almost as good as those found on the Bad Kids Jokes Tumblr (http://badkidsjokes.tumblr.com): hay appel my friend thought why was a chiken very did you what do “what” that a onion was cross with the pig knok knock hear you get hay appel the only food that about when you “what” makes you cry so because he lade whos there the big cross the what did i do? 100000 eggs and he hay appel hen road was tired and the pig your stupid ” what” i threw a water dident do the tidying peiness knife. he is fat run over “arrrrrr” melon at his face up.

314 Hour #16, 2-3pm

He also does not seem to mind that it is not an original joke, probably because we are into the sixteenth hour of a marathon comedy show that has seen him onstage and upstanding for almost all of it. However I, holding the Radio2 listeners to grumpier standards - this would never happen in Black Squadron - am less impressed. At least build on an old joke to make it your own! There's potential for a nice topper in there about canine Disney movie 'Bolt', Radio2 listeners! Smarten up!

14.31 Patrick has another joke, from an electron microscopist called Beth. "Mark! 'What’s invisible and smells of bananas?'" asks Patrick. "'Monkey burps!'" "The answer was 'monkey burps!'" Marks passes on to us: "so ‘One All’ I think now." Fair enough. She eschewed the option of the "monkey farts" punchline, but there's so much more you could do with this sort of set-up. Like shout "THE BRAZILIAN WANDERING SPIDER!" and leap a hand on to your terrified audience's face as though the many legged banana-loving beastie. (Yes, I am presuming you would have an audience of one. That joke is generally only told by a child. To someone it can see. Not several million listeners. N.B. I concede that such a punchline might lose something if told on the radio. But then, ventriloquist Nina Conti has just gotten a radio series. Also, of incidental thematic relevance, her sidekick Monkey has a CRACKING riposte to the age-old answer "why did the Monkey fall out of the tree?" that could be callback useful in these troubled invisible-banana times: "because it was dead" indeed…)

14.32 "Okay, I think we may go for the extra time victory with this one," says Patrick, determinedly picking up the ball analogy and running with it, making him the William Webb Ellis of metaphors. "Ooooh hello," says Mark, shaking his head with a grin, "he's confident!" "Mark! This is from Jacob. He says 'Mark, there's been an explosion at a French cheese factory. All that's been left is de-brie!'" There are some groans, and some titters, and one grumpy woman caught between wondering if it ever OCCURRED to these people to try making up their own jokes, and admiring the cheesy pun175. Mark grimaces with us. But reckons it "Two One", to the listeners.

14.33 Radio2 says goodbye to us, and is exchanged for something much more delightful: the arrival of Joe Lycett. Who is always pleasurable company. Though is seldom laden with this many Krispy Kreme donuts.

175 'CHEESY PUN'! I am best.

315 Hour #16, 2-3pm

by Pei Yen (oxymoronish.tumblr.com)

316 Hour #16, 2-3pm

14.34 Joe is shown the mural; we learn that the welcome committee have caught up with the busker, and that Mitch Benn is on his way here. As well as bearing Benn news, Emma has also been messaged with an offer for Markus' artwork. "We've had our first bidder for the mural," she reports: "£250!" Pretty damn good. "Mind you," as Mark says, "Emma's pissed £200" already. And it's "ten grand for a shit", she reminds us all. The question 'what price dignity?' is not even rhetorical here.

317 Hour #16, 2-3pm

14.37 The Chihuahua man has asked for a donut. Joe will deliver to the boiler room, once he is done here. Promise.

14.39 I do not take a donut, as they are circulated among us. I have never eaten a Krispy Kreme. I think this is most of why I do not currently subsist solely on Krispy Kremes. (See also heroin, etc.)

14.40 Joe is doing something sponsored for Comic Relief, as part of this endeavour. He is going to go on a gay date, sourced on [homosexual proximity locator] Grindr. "WHY NOT ME?" calls John-Luke Roberts, apparently now well into the Rebound Phase of his Trial Separation from Nadia. By the rules Joe has set himself, the date needs to be sourced from [fruity hook-up enabler] Grindr. And Luke is not on [gay/bi geosocial networking app] Grindr. He is on Tumblr, the micro-blogging platform which hosts his cartoons. But Tumblr does not count176.

176 Even if it IS 90% pictures of , and the 'handsome and fearless' Penny Dreadfuls.

318 Hour #16, 2-3pm

14.42 Despite his technical ineligibility - in both senses - Luke still gets on the stage to offer self to Joe, as a potential date, cuddling up to him. Joe who did such awesome backing vocals for Nadia's Karaoke Circus cover of CeeLo Green's 'Fuck You', in the 2011 Edinburgh Festival, she ended the song by kissing him. Nothing weirdly incestuous about any of this, nooo. You know, this is the time- slot Radio4 devote to Afternoon Drama. Why are we not doing a live broadcast for them as well?

14.43 Joe and Luke getting together seems like a nice natural conclusion to both of their sponsored Challenges. Everyone seems happy. Including Emma Kennedy…

14.44 Emma ceases to be approving of this scheme once she learns that Luke is a straight man. "You know, I'm just trying things out," Luke explains, an arm draped over Joe's shoulders. "You're TOYING with him!" she harangues, onesie-clad and furious. "What are you DOING!?" she interrobangs. "You're a STRAIGHT man and you're trying to get a GAY man to FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU! What kind of BEAST ARE YOU!?" Mark puts a comforting hand on her shoulder ("you're a MONSTER!"), while telling us "Emma's lost her marbles". He contextualises Luke, who has gotten changed out of his skellington outfit since he was last onstage, prompting Emma to remember the man who was doing a trial-separation from his girlfriend. "ADMIN!" summates Mark, "now, back to GAY FUN!"

14.46 "I've got a date at three," Luke tells Joe, "but I can fit one in at four." If no Grindr fun is forthcoming, then this is Joe's afternoon prospects: he will deliver a donut, and have a gay date with Luke. "And please donate, cos I've got no money yet!"

319 Hour #16, 2-3pm

@adamhess1 Joe Lycett has turned up trying to bribe handsome men with doughnuts. Hundreds of doughnuts. #25hours

14.48 We get an update on Rob Palk: he has signed all the books in the Gower Street branch of Waterstones177, and is now off to the opticians, to collect a pair of glasses in Mark's prescription. "He's a lookalike Mark Watson," I explain to Ella. "Is that Mark Watson?" she checks. "Yes." Heh.

14.50 In further date news, Chris and Gemma are not together - that 'Dawson's Creek' analogy was a strong one - and Misha is going to forsake her knitting for a spell, and go on a date with Emma. A tent date. Emma disappears inside her canvas home to get changed, in preparation, fully cognisant of the onesie being a sartorial no-no for a first date. (That she is already real-life happily partnered up, inconsequential.)

14.53 Tiernan has learnt how to play 'No Scrubs' on the keyboard, we're told.

14.54 Charley is in a cab with a load of balloons. "Looking like she won't get up The Shard with a lion," Mark tells us. Yianni recommends she watch 'The Life Of Pi', to tick off that tiger encounter from her Wishlist. "I've already LIVED The Life Of Pie!" laments Tiernan.

14.55 Charley is no longer in a cab with a load of balloons. Charley is outside the Lyceum Theatre, trying to persuade the staff to let her inside; if she can just get a picture with some of the costumes for 'The Lion King', that could count! Corry passes the phone to Mark, for him to talk to them, and at least verify what she has been saying. He seems unable to silver-tongue charm her into the theatre. Copyright, or something. Nuts.

14.57 Emma now smartly attired, Misha gets into the tent for her date. And we are updated on the bath lady: still not dead.

177 That's what my notes say, So yes, ALL of them.

320 Hour #16, 2-3pm

14.58 Mitch Benn is here, guitar slung over his back. In a case, yes, but its very presence suggests something musical shall soon be upon us. A thing confirmed when Mark speaks to him. Though the song itself will have to wait; the hour of pie is almost upon us!

14.59 Emma Jones stands poised, with a pie, as Tiernan adopts and attempts to hold the pose of Rodin's Thinker.

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322 Hour #16, 2-3pm

Countdown Challenge, 2-3pm

Innis Round Time Selection Mark Deeks Score Best Max Carson 306 2.03 pm SCDMUEOMO COMMODES 2125 – 2161 COMMODES COMMODES 2425

decommits DOMESTIC 307 2.06 pm COSEDIMMT 2125 – 2169 DOMESTIC 2433 (X) IMMODEST ACCUSES SUCCAHS 308 2.09 pm SSHCEUICA SUCCAHS 2132 – 2169 CASHES 2440 CHAISES CUISHES178

309 2.56 pm PITOPUDMI OIDIUM179 2138 – 2175 PODIUM OPPIDUM180 2447

178 'Cuishes'. Noun, pl. Pieces of armour or padding for protecting the thigh.

179 'Oidium'. Noun. A thin-walled spore produced by fragmentation in certain filamentous fungi, which tend to cause powdery mildew.

180 'Oppidum'. Noun. Fortified sites and large permanent settlements of the late pre-Roman Iron Age in Europe, which served as centres for administration, trade, craft production, and religion. From the term used by to describe the non-city-sized fortified tribal centres he found in Gaul in 58–51 BC, which I am presuming are best exemplified in Chief Vitalstatistix's indomitable village.

323 Hour #16, 2-3pm CLAIRE'S DATE #16 - LUKE (3pm)

My date with Luke was engineered by Mr Watson himself. For his Red Nose Day challenge, Luke was doing a sponsored separation from his girlfriend Nadia. In the hours leading up to the date, he'd been through the typical post-break up rituals, including spending a lot of time 'with himself', and eating a takeaway curry for two by himself. By 3pm, he was ready to begin dating again, so Mark got us both up onstage to introduce us.

In yet another thoughtful gesture, Luke had brought me a present. I'd been doing very well all day today, but Luke took the word 'thoughtful' to a-whole-nother level. A bag of goodies. These goodies...

That's right! A golfing magazine, some Werther's Originals, some chocolate lozenges and a bottle of de-icer. Here's a guy that knows what women want. That Nadia was missing out!

Conversation was varied but enjoyable. We covered the merits of Harry Potter, touched on Mills and Boon, childhood collections and Kirsten Stewart's ears. Unfortunately Luke blew things when he poured Coke all over himself, and I knew then that it just wasn't meant to be. Shame. The de-icer was a master stroke...

324 Hour #17, 3-4pm Hour #17 3-4pm

15.00 Emma Jones pies Tiernan in the face, with aplomb. And then follows that up by grinding the plate into his face, then swirling it around his head, pressing down so as maximum cream comes off on his hair. It's already more malicious than the custarding clowns at the last hour marker, all the worse because he was in on that treatment. Emma then compounds the misery by lightly patting the plate over the front of his otherwise-clean wolf onesie, leaving smears of white all over.

"She REALLY rubs it on his onesie," commentates Mark, as the plate is flung into the audience. "She REALLY rubbed that. And Tiernan is, if possible, even MORE pie'd than usual."

325 Hour #17, 3-4pm

15.01 Emma hugs Tiernan, before leaving both stage and building, getting herself creamed up in the process, which goes some way to easing my grumblations. She has to go back to Exeter like that, Mark reminds her, the nutter. "Sixteen pies on Tiernan Douieb!" summates Mark, missing out Adam's double and that clown triple. "It's starting to sound like a Kafka story!" Even without mention of a 'clown triple', yes indeedy.

326 Hour #17, 3-4pm

SUTTON and CHEAM (nouns)

Sutton and cheam are the kinds of dirt into which all dirt is divided. 'Sutton' is the dark sort that always gets on to light-coloured things, 'cheam' the light- coloured sort that clings to dark items. Anyone who has ever found Marmite stains on a dress-shirt or seagull goo on a dinner jacket (a) knows all about sutton and cheam, and (b) is going to some very curious dinner parties.

- from 'The Meaning Of Liff'

15.02 With Tiernan and his Pie Arena gone, Mitch Benn takes to the stage. He is going to write us a song, based on our suggestions, in about twenty minutes. (He does this a lot. It is one of the things Mitch Benns do.) As he explains this, the tent starts rocking, in a manner more traditionally associated with honeymoon caravans, or cars parked in certain lay-bys.

15.03 The tent going really quite violently now, Mitch takes the audience's three suggestions: The rise and fall of Groupon The Italian comedian-turned-politician, Beppe Grillo Mark's fear of balloons HE WILL BE BACK!

15.04 Emma and Misha fall out of the tent, fully clothed and apparently exhausted. "How was the date, Em?" asks Mark, Dorothy Gale-ishly181. "I think I'm pregnant!" she exclaims.

15.05 Claire Travers-Smith returns to us, with an update on her 25 Dates. "I've hit a wall and ate Play-Doh on Date #15." Which the date brought with him. So he is partly to blame for this. At least for the indication of unravelling. Her next date is the happily rebounding John-Luke Roberts, who has also bought her presents! One of which is an item you are SUPPOSED to eat! The plastic presentation gift bag he tentatively hands over contains a spray bottle of de-icer, a golfing magazine, and a bag of Werther's Originals. Luke is, he admits, very out of practice at this sort of thing. But Claire seems quite delighted with the de-icer.

181 This carefully ludicrous adverb-coining habit of mine, fun as it is, is likely to bite me on the bum - bumbitingly - when I find it has stuck. Like people who started writing "LOL" and "ROFL" ironically - or, worse, SAYING THEM OUT LOUD - and now do it as a matter of course.

327 Hour #17, 3-4pm

15.07 With Claire and Luke off on their date, Mark talks to James the busker on the phone. He has done 24 hours! He has broken the record! He is going to keep going! James would like to try for 27 hours, the busking world marathon equivalent of climbing then wandering around Everest for a while, cos you're there. "Did you like your banner?" Mark checks. "Yes!" Huzzah!

@TiernanDouieb Just 9 pies left. I'm completely pie eyed. World record for longest busking has just been broken at #25hours too. That's 2 world records!

328 Hour #17, 3-4pm

15.09 Emma has news: a celebrity has REQUESTED to come to the gig. "Rachel Riley from 'Countdown' is coming here!" she trumpets. Wooooo. "It's only a matter of time before Cher is here," reckons Mark with optimistic certainty.

329 Hour #17, 3-4pm

15.10 Pierre has drawn more artworks, since we last saw him. Two of which are revealed to us, as much of his recent output has been, with some apologetic caveats. "My brain is dying so I drew a sort of hideous matador," Pierre tells us. Mark agrees he wasn't kidding about it being weird: "it's very good, but it's bloody odd." "It's not right, is it?" asks Pierre, quite cheerfully, while holding the picture at something approaching arm's length. "I don't really know why,” muses Mark, “but I think we give these prints as a gift to Krishnan Guru-Murthy, when he gets here." Good. "I think that's probably the logical step," Mark continues.

@adamhess1 Mark's been on stage for 16 hours. He's decided to give a threatening drawing of a matador to Krishnan Guru-Murphy when he arrives #25hours

15.11 Krishnan Guru-Murthy cannot have the matador art, as it was a commissioned piece, and thus must go to Robert, the person who requested it. But there's still the "sort of scarecrow with a man's head on it" that he could have. Mark asks Pierre if he'd like a commission to be working on, and yes, the man says, that would be good: if he doesn't have a brief then things like the scarecrow happen. "And no-one wants this!" Pierre beams. "Kittens!" suggests a voice down the front on the right. "Kittens," repeats Pierre, cautioning: "they'll come out like this!" Mark asks if he could do a picture of Rachel Riley, reckoning "it'd be nice to welcome Rachel Riley with a life-sized portrait of herself". "In this style?" checks Pierre, not quite managing to hold a straight face as he holds up the old man scarecrow. "Yeah!" Okay then. Um.

15.12 We are reminded, as are the live-stream viewers, that Rufus Hound needs sponsorship. He is only on £416 at the moment. This needs to go up by over £2 grand, if we are to get our eggy finale. "If we got Zach we could DO this!" declares a lady, peppily. Yes!

15.13 The Jon Snow eBay auction went for £520, in the end. Likely not to Emily, as she has not messaged Mark in jubilation, or to arrange a re-mortgaging of their home. The next one to close is drinks with Bear Grylls, and a jacket182, which is currently on £510.

182 He has merch! It's mostly rambling gear with his name on it, plus torches and folding knives! The knives are for 'survival', and the connotations are of wilderness rather than urban jungle, so it's fine! YEAH! BEAR! You know that sometimes outdoors people need a ‘field sharpener’, and the facetious need an excuse to wonder how blunt modern fields are! You don't believe in 'mens' or 'womens' clothing, or pandering to anything other than a wearer's width/height! You are responsible for this – below - kind of web-guff!

Here at the Bear Grylls Store we don't like to label you just in terms of man or woman - instead we believe everyone is unique! We are all different shapes and sizes and we have intentionally

made our clothing suitable for you regardless of where your wobbly bits are!

330 Hour #17, 3-4pm

DRINKS WITH BEAR GRYLLS, SIGNED BOOK & A JACKET (MARK WATSON CHARITY AUCTION)

In support of Comic Relief and Mark Watson's 25 hour comedy gig, you can bid on one on one drinks with Bear Grylls at the Wolseley at 7.30pm on May 6th as well as a signed copy of Bear Grylls' No1 bestseller Mud, Sweat and Tears, a BG survivor jacket.

15.15 Jess, sitting down the front, doesn't like Adam Hess' jumper. The mental filters have absolutely fallen away now, and she is quite happy to say so out loud. (Apologies if she is usually that blunt, and I am failing to accurately peg her character by presuming some of that rudery was related to acute sleep-deprivation.) Adam’s black sweatshirt is decorated with a large stylised image of a lady in a pink polo neck, her face half hidden behind a big pink hat. It is fine. And I happily vote as such, when we are called to vote on who likes Hess' jumper, as much for personal preference as his rights to wear what he damn well wants. People in this room saying 'no' had bloomin' better be doing it cos they don't like the fringing on the appliqué, or something, rather than the fact he is a BOY with a gender-neutral choice of top. None of which I voice – it can spoil a party, banging on about sartorial freedoms – and instead I shout out a question of "can we dress Hess?" Yes, it is decided - mostly on behalf of Adam, who has had very little say in any of this - we can indeed. The game is swiftly retitled Jess Dresses Hess, and both spare garments and accessories are passed forward, with which she can work her fashion magic.

@25HourChihuahua @joelycett cheers. Boiler room is buzzing since the doughnuts.

15.19 With Mark holding up the man's notebook - this is not a song whose lyrics he has learnt - Mitch Benn sings us his hastily written ode to Groupon, Beppe Grillo, and Mark's fear of balloons.

Life is all about getting out there and living your adventures - and we believe it's the adventure that should define your clothing - not your gender…

Bear Grylls! He'd rather pop his name on a torch than admit breasts or hips exist!

331 Hour #17, 3-4pm

@Charleymarch FUCK YOU COPYRIGHT PROTECTION #lions #balloons #25Hours

332 Hour #17, 3-4pm

15.19 Mark may be scared of balloons - as Mitch just serenaded us - but he NOT scared of cheese. He will eat a Babybel! He will eat a Babybel right now! He is offered £20 to do just that! OKAY!

333 Hour #17, 3-4pm

15.21 Mark postpones the cheese challenge/torment, as Markus has finished the mural. Which needs to be shown off to us, just as he needs our applause for it. Yes yes yes.

15.25 Right. Stop messing. Eat the cheese. "YOU'RE CHEESE!"

15.26 Mark eats the cheese, complaining vigorously, and then Mark swigs from a tiny bottle of red liquid, to take the taste away. Ella on my right worries it might be ketchup, or some other kind of hot sauce. Rather hoping it's fruit juice. "I would rather eat Paul Daniels than go through that again!" declares Mark, face still wrinkled in horror at what his mouth has just done. "Mark, have you ever thought of going on 'I'm A Celebrity…'?" asks Emma, mindful of the Bush Tucker Trials which inmates endure183. "I'm not a celebrity," he tells her, very much slamming that door closed.

183 Says Wikipedia – which is the modern equivalent of saying “I heard down the pub that” – the following ‘jungle foods’ are served to contestants, who are striving to earn meals for the camp: crickets and cockroaches (in a variety of forms, e.g. cooked into biscuits, blended into drinks or eaten alive) green ants, mealworms, witchetty grubs, beach worms, or roasted spiders various animal testicles and anuses various animal genitals, including the bifurcated penis and ‘vaginal parts’ of the kangaroo bull's tongues, cooked pigs' brains, the eyes of raw fish and sheep blended rats or mice tails

But yes. Urgh, cheese.

334 Hour #17, 3-4pm

15.29 Things that can basically DO ONE are hereby determined to be "Groupon, the fucking sun, and cheese". Nyeah. "Oh, and Disney," Mark adds, as they wouldn't let Charley in to the theatre to see The Lion King costumes.

15.31 Markus Birdman leaves, praising us for our energy.

15.32 Mark rings Aberystwyth, catching up with the improvisers and making quiet sure they know we're still thinking of them. They have raised £500 for Comic Relief! Hat-tip, you lot.

15.36 Rob's girlfriend tells us that he's on the bus back, missions accomplished.

@EmmaK67 We need £1800 to see Rufus Hound breaking eggs with a mallet attached to his penis. Step up to the plate rich folks. WE WANT THIS #25hours

15.38 Claire and Luke are both brought onto the stage, to report on their date. As the de-icer penny drops for Ella, she realising both why that's a great ice-breaker present, and that it has taken her WAY too long to figure that out.

335 Hour #17, 3-4pm

15.39 Claire suggests Mark asks Luke about "his behaviour", which Watson terms "slightly discouraging". Luke's face says similar. He is handed the microphone, so he can qualify this. "I spilt some Coke on myself," he says. "You know, it's hardly a Lib Dem peer!"184 Mark pauses in fruit snacking to agree, saying Claire ate Play-Doh and thus, by implication, is in no position to judge. "One of her previous dates had made an EFFIGY of her, out of Play-Doh!" worries Luke. Claire is mostly fine with that, despite seeing its mad- eyed collapsing form as a physical representation of her own degeneration. "We spent most of it talking about her previous dates," says Luke, "which I think is the protocol." Hmm. "It was FINE, in answer to your question Mark." Watson takes the mike back, grinning. "It looks like LOVE!" "It was admin," mutters Claire. Right then. If Joe Lycett is around, Luke says he is available. He is feeding donuts to Oliver, last we knew. Mark grows suspicious, like a panicking great-aunt. "He's been doing that for a while, hasn't he? 'Feeding a donut to Oliver'!". Mark puts his fruit tray down so he can really get into the inverted-comma fun inherent within the eminently subvertable phrase, using both arms to shout "'FEEDING A DONUT TO OLIVER'". Oh yeah. We see what you're saying there. "Shagging Oliver," he translates, just in case we couldn’t. Lawks. "I tell you what," muses Mark, "I've seen Oliver at work, he could quite literally have sex with Joe Lycett and still not take his eyes away from that film." I'd imagine Oli can still see 'Beverly Hills Chihuahua' even if he closes his eyes now. Joe was probably hoping for a date that wasn't seeing a load of dogs at the same time as him. Though he still isn't back in the room, is he? "Maybe he got SUCKED into the film?" wonders Mark, unable to let this juicy bone go.

15.41 Emma wants to know if there is anyone CLAIRE would like to go out with. Claire, mindful of the contacts at Emma's fingertips, narrows it down to Not Jon Snow.

15.42 The results of Dress Hess are in. Adam is now wearing Luke's jacket, a scarf, cape, Mother's Day balloon - at a rakish angle - and at least four hats, one of which looks distinctly like a tea- cosy. It is quite a lot of a look. He is doing his darndest to maintain an air of quiet dignity.

184 Lord Rennard - name suggests French fox, much else suggest otherwise - has this week faced accusations of sexually inappropriate behaviour towards a number of female activists. And a friend, Lord Stoneham, managed to sour things still further by ringing one of the complainants, to tell her off for being "silly", going to the papers so soon before the Eastleigh by-election. Amazing, considering the problem wasn't just sexual harassment but that the women who reported it felt no-one was taking them seriously.

336 Hour #17, 3-4pm

15.43 The question of what Claire wants has not been forgotten. is suggested as a possible date for her, possibly by someone still mindful of that kiss he did with for Comic Relief, if not his newfound tendency to show up at interesting comedy gigs185. "Groban would be ideal," reckons Mark, not losing sight of the Josh possibility. Widdicombe may come later, too, after 'The Last Leg' recording. "Yeah, it's basically down to Widdicombe or Hugh Grant." Basically. Though has a girlfriend, I am able to confirm, briefly in charge of Thwarting The Romantic Ambitions Of Those In The Room186.

15.45 We are now 25% of the way to raising sufficient funds for Rufus Hound's Challenge. We need another £1,800. And Emma is giving very serious consideration to the possibility of lying to Jennifer Saunders, and getting her to pay for far more urination than has actually occurred. Start drinking, missus; that will also help. Let's get some legitimate pissing money in the pot.

185 Like Eddie Pepitone in Edinburgh, though some of his coterie of women didn't have ID and the Tron's over-officious bouncers wouldn't let them in. Or Robin's Nine Lessons show in London at Christmas, where you're fine if you are under 18, the key thing is a keen interest in how the world works. Or the big Mayan prophecy gig Ince did at the Hammersmith Apollo, where Grant turned up backstage and was distracted from necking ALL their rider by being put to work on a skit by Matt Parker. And by 'skit' I mean a scripted scene which Robin introduced as our "favourite moment from evidential-based sessions in Parliament", a drubbing given to homeopathy where the sarcastic Dr Evan Harris plays Dr Evan Harris, and Hugh Grant as WHAT I STOPPED LISTENING ACTUAL HUGH GRANT IS COMING ONSTAGE NOW ARE YOU SURE!?

186 Cupid had two arrows; a sharp one tipped with gold, to bring love, and a dulled one tipped with lead, to cause feelings of aversion. I am the blunt one, in this instance.

337 Hour #17, 3-4pm

@adamhess1 If Rufus Hound raises £2500 he'll smash 25 eggs with a mallet taped to his dick. Help him achieve his dream http://my.rednoseday.com/sponsor/rufushound1 … #25hours

15.47 "Rob is back, my doppelganger!" calls Mark. Rob signed the books, and Rob got the glasses, in frames that resemble his own. He returns Mark's passport, but can't find the credit card. Definitely in a pocket. Somewhere. Um. "I expect it's fine about my credit card!" calls Mark, nevertheless extremely keen that Rob keep looking.

15.48 The credit card is found; it was tucked into Mark's passport. Jeopardy averted!

15.51 Pierre has finished his painting of Rachel Riley. It is not life-sized. This is for the best, for both us and for Rachel Riley. The face is nice enough, but she is ever so slightly raising a hand in a devil's horn salute. Also she's wearing a pentagram. And the fingernails, painted blood red, look very very sharp. Almost like talons, in fact.

338 Hour #17, 3-4pm

15.57 Emma has a new plan. She is going to tweet at celebrities, promising we will do '…stuff' for them, if they will sponsor Rufus Hound. As though what we're currently ("pie!") doing is not enough.

@joelycett My #25hour challenge is going very badly. Lots of people saying no to a date with me. Please donate to ease my pain.

15.59 Her role so recently outsourced to clowns and the enemies of cleanliness, Danielle retakes her rightful position, at Tiernan's side, pie in hand…

339 Hour #17, 3-4pm

Countdown Challenge, 3-4pm

Innis Round Time Selection Mark Deeks Score Best Max Carson 279 100 75 9 3 4 6 310 3.02 pm 279 2148 – 2185 279 2457 → 279 3 * (100 - 4) - 9 311 3.04 pm LIBOSUHER LOURIES 2155 – 2192 BLUSHER RIBULOSE187 2465 SURTAX SOUTAR188 FRUSTA 312 3.20 pm FXRTOUOSA OUTROS 2161 – 2198 OUTFOX 2471 OUTROS OUTFOX STORAX frogweed 313 3.20 pm FOWEREDQG 2161 – 2203 GORED FORGED 2477 (X) 314 3.21 pm DTSCAAALE CASTLED 2161 – 2211 CATALASE CATALASE 2485 678 100 50 75 25 315 3.22 pm 678 2171 – 2221 678 2495 10 3 → 678 25 * (100 - 75) + 50 + 3 WASTREL 316 3.25 pm SJWTOEARL ALTERS 2171 – 2228 TROWELS 2502 TROWELS 317 3.28 pm BESEKONLG ENGLOBES 2179 – 2228 BELONGS ENGLOBES 2510 OOHING VIGORO 318 3.31 pm HVGROUINO VIGOUR 2185 – 2228 hooving (X) ROVING 2516 VIGOUR HONOUR

319 3.33 pm NUSITETFN FUNNIEST 2193 – 2236 FUNNIEST FUNNIEST 2524 643 25 100 3 10 3 320 3.37 pm 643 2203 – 2246 643 2534 9 → 643 (9 - 3) * (100 + 3) + 25 321 3.40 pm COSENIZTO SECTION 2203 – 2254 ENZOOTIC ENZOOTIC189 2542 322 3.43 pm SCBSIEERR BERRIES 2203 – 2262 SCRIBERS SCRIBERS 2550 PREENER 323 3.45 pm NEREDENPR PREENED 2210 – 2269 PREENED 2557 PREENED DEVIANT 324 3.47 pm VPNDAIITE PAINTED 2217 – 2276 PAINTED INVITED 2564 PAINTED 854 9 10 3 3 7 1 325 3.51 pm 853 2224 – 2283 855 2574 → 854 7 * (10 * (9 + 3) + 3 - 1) 326 3.55 pm LYGTIIUMD TIMIDLY 2231 – 2283 GUILTY TIMIDLY 2581 327 3.58 pm MEMEPIMOD MODEM 2236 – 2288 MIMED IMPEDE 2587

187 'Ribulose'. Noun. A pentose [monosaccharide with five carbon atoms] sugar that exists only as a syrup. Can be written as C5H10O5 those five carbon atoms very much making self known.

188 'Soutar'. Noun. A shoemaker or cobbler (in Scots). 189 'Enzootic'. Adjective. Specifically affecting animals in a specific geographic area. (For when you want to say 'endemic' but aren't talking about humans.) For example, "damn, that pool is enzootic with gremlins".

340 Hour #17, 3-4pm CLAIRE'S DATE #17 - NORRIE (4pm)

Norrie volunteered to be one of my dates having been roped into it by his flatmate's girlfriend, a friend of mine. There'd been a fair amount of banter prior to the date, and I knew early on that I'd need to have my brain fully in gear for our date. Herein lies the problem. 17 hours into the dates and my brain was sadly nowhere to be seen. After bragging about having had a lie in until 10am that morning, Norrie then decided to test my cranial capacity by bringing up Einstein's theory of relativity, quoting Churchill and Karl Jung, and talking about the demise of the Pope's ring. I managed to come back to the conversation long enough to talk about the Littlest Hobo, but then I was lost again when Norrie tried to tell me a joke involving the words 'tuna' and 'tuba', and I just could not get it. Trying to bring things a bit more down to my level, he started to talk about koalas, and I like koalas, I really do, but that was about as much as I could contribute to the situation. Things then moved onto she-pees, for non-festival goers they're devices designed to enable women to wee standing up, and I was gone again. I have a vague recollection of the words 'moist' and 'slit' entering the vernacular, and as I struggle to hide recoiling in horror at two of my least favourite words, he looked me straight in the eyes and said 'slit - does that make you feel uncomfortable?' Yes, yes it did. Actually, being awake and having to communicate with another human being, any human being, was a struggle, so sadly poor Norrie didn't stand much of a chance. By this point I was a wreck, and I concede, I was a fucking horrible date. As if by magic, Norrie also produced a gift, which he'd hand-picked on account of how weird and shit it was. It was a solar-powered Fortune Cat.

Initially I ribbed him mercilessly about his random choice of offering, but the next time I went into Mark's gig to update them on my progress, I told the audience about the cat, and then suddenly to see 200 sleep-deprived people all do the waving arm at me in exact synchronicity suddenly nailed it. This present was a-to-the- mazing. As I type now, I can see the funny little bastard knocking on an imaginary door in my peripheral vision, and I love him even more each day. He will forever serve as a reminder of some of the darkest hours of my 25 hour long delirium- fest. So Norrie, because I didn't say it enough at the time, thank you. I shall call him Paraprosdokian, after your favourite obscure figure of speech.

341 Hour #18, 4-5pm Hour #18 4-5pm

16.00 Tiernan is pie'd in the face. The dish sticks. Briefly he resembles one who might run away with a spoon.

342 Hour #18, 4-5pm

16.01 Joe Lycett is back, impervious to donut teasing. He has been TRYING to find a DATE on GRINDR. Which is, as Mark is now shown, a way to find the nearest gays and bisexuals to you (who also have a profile on there, it doesn't just go through your iTunes, as I believe has noted). Mark is amazed.

16.02 Joe has had one message, from someone he THINKS is up for it, but he has not yet replied to the man. "I'll read the message to you," says Joe, before cautioning "if you've got children on the live- stream, pop them somewhere else". Mark, reading over his shoulder, starts laughing: "I think this person could be up for it as well". "He's called ChubbTM, and then he's got a picture of a pig. 'Hi. Fuck me bareback and come in my arse,'" Joe reads, as Mark grins that the man also offers a get- out. "Then he says 'Block me, don't judge me if not interested'." "Strange mixture of passion and logistics from that guy," notes Mark. But he's the only one that is up for it. The other replies Joe has had have been from people who would be interested, but do not want to go on a live-stream. Luke is looking like a better bet every minute.

16.03 "People have got malaria and he can't get dick!" summarises Mark, accurately. "Richard Curtis is going to have to do another film!"

FARNHAM (n.)

The feeling you get about four o'clock in the afternoon when you haven't got enough done.

- from 'The Meaning Of Liff'

16.04 Emma has had an anonymous donation of £500. Mark guesses it was Mandela.

343 Hour #18, 4-5pm

16.05 Kate says the GOSH event tonight is at London Zoo. Not a potential gay date location, it is clarified; no-one is trying to set him up with a kid in hospital. This is of Charley/tiger pertinence.

16.06 Chris Jones has tweeted at Emma, to ask for another, different, date. "JOE!" is the first thought of a large number of persons in the room. (The second, likely some sort of variant on "cad", "boo", or "do it yourself!")

344 Hour #18, 4-5pm

16.07 Jennifer Saunders arrives, with a big old grin, three M&S underwear multi-packs and a scented candle. She and Mark have never met before! They point that out, beaming, and that's it for introductions. So much more to get through here.

@TiernanDouieb Amazingly @ferrifrump has just joined us at #25Hours. I've had pie number 17 in my face. I really hate pie

16.08 "Where's the bucket, Kennedy?" demands Jennifer Saunders, on the line for a hundred pounds a piss. "I want to see the evidence!"

@adamhess1 Jenniffer Saunders is holding a bucket of piss #25hours

345 Hour #18, 4-5pm

16.09 Bucket witnessed, the SheWee is also shown off. "The SheWee is a beautiful thing," admires Jennifer, before asking "did you put the right end in?" Jennifer has a lot of questions, but no microphone. Mark repeats them for us, ear particularly caught on one practical pre-piss demand. "'Have you got wee in there now?' inquires Saunders, like a business woman." "I'm not paying for an empty bladder!" she says, adamant. "No no, of course you wouldn't," agrees Mark.

16.10 If Jennifer will pay the rest of the Rufus money, Emma promises she will wee WHEREVER Jennifer wants her to go. "Newsflash!" announces Mark. "This is the strangest moment of my life! I think I'm watching Jennifer Saunders negotiate with Emma Kennedy the price of wee."

16.11 "I will top up to a grand for Rufus Hound," promises Jennifer. "I’ll pay for ten wees! I don't want you to get cystitis, that's the only reason."

16.12 Wee admin achieved, Jennifer moves on to the dispensing of fresh underwear. She opens the packets and lobs out knickers where knickers are requested, checking sizes required as she goes. I love that she's doing this, forward-planning on behalf of us. I love that she brought 12s, 14s and 16s too, rather than just one size to fit all. "Sure enough it's a pants hand-out!" commentates Mark, as Jennifer throws a pair of 12s into the crowd. Mel catches knickers chucked her way by the BAFTA-winning actress and writer. Emma likens her to Alan Rickman at the end of 'Sense & Sensibility', where he, bursting with happiness, flings coins into the air from his wedding carriage.

@TiernanDouieb I've just witnessed @ferrifrump sponsor @emmak67 to wee & now she's handing out free pants. It's all gone weird. #25Hours

346 Hour #18, 4-5pm

16:14 A heckler asks "can we get Hess into the pants?" For several reasons - consent, dignity, underwear availability - this does not get off the ground190. Someone else offers £40 for the pot if Rachel Riley will tweet him, which seems that much more feasible.

16.15 "I've got news!" announces Emma. "Laverne's on her way!" She has been to the hairdressers - for us? - and will be with us shortly.

@deadlyknitshade Met brave soul @watsoncomedian's #25hours knitting for 25hrs. Blimey! Helped with a few rows & motivational badges

16.16 James Dowdeswell asks if we need to acquire a mallet for Rufus; am fairly sure that he brought his own, and we need secure only the funding.

16.17 When called upon, I do a recap of the tasks outstanding. Need to get back to that GOSH thing, most espeshly.

16.18 Having learnt to play 'No Scrubs', on an instrument he's only mastered in the last DAY, Tiernan is crashing. Clutching a can of Red Bull, wolf onesie pulled up so only his face is visible, he sits on the giant 2 that dominates the left of the stage, every bit the lost groomsman on Drop Dead Fred's stag-do. "I can't really see any more," he tells us, "it's all just dots and lines and my brain hurts."

190 And Superman proved, if nothing else, you only get off the ground if you do have pants on over your legwear.

347 Hour #18, 4-5pm

16.19 Emma passes a phone call over to Mark, and gets back to her tent of Saunders. "Alison Moyet, what could you possibly want?" he asks Moyet, mostly affectionately. She is on the M25, she tells him; just wanted to share the love. Mark tells her that he himself is metaphorically on the M25 as well, "in that I've sort of gone bonkers"191.

16.21 Moyet has reminded us what Emma would do for ten grand, a revelation which prompts Jennifer to emerge from the tent, stunned.

JAWCRAIG (n. medical)

A massive facial spasm which is brought on by being told a really astounding piece of news.

- from 'The Meaning Of Liff'

@ferrifrump This is the maddest place i have ever been. Cant believe i am negotiating pee fees. Cant believe Emma would shit in a bucket for £10,000!!!

191 N.B. The M25 is not known for being bonkers. But it is extremely busy, can go round in circles, and is very long and thin, so there are parallels. And of course, Mark was officially opened by Margaret Thatcher, in the 1980s.

348 Hour #18, 4-5pm

16.22 Moyet has to go look after "facking children", and the pair are parted. A good juncture to remind people of the text number, then. "If you're watching at home," Mark reminds the live-stream viewers, "do donate".

@timminchin News: Two tickets for Matilda and drinks and a chat with Tim in the interval! http://www.timminchin.com/2013/03/01/two-tickets-for-matilda-and-drinks-and-a-chat- with-tim-in-the-interval/ @watsoncomedian's #25hours #rednoseday

16.23 Minchin's Twitter has mentioned the eBay auction. Too third-person to be him actually typing, but still very handy; bit of competition between him and Moran to get their respective prices up should help the charity along nicely.

@simonpegg Would you like to see @RufusHound smash eggs with a mallet taped to his penis? YOU CAN!!! http://my.rednoseday.com/sponsor/rufushound1 …

16.24 The Great Ormond Street video message plan is outlaid, and Rob Palk is hurried to the stage to make it a reality. He starts AS Mark Watson, before being interrupted by the actual Mark Watson. Who wishes the dinner delegates well, while apologising for and contextualising his own absence. And all the while, a wolf WE CAN ALL SEE sits on a big red 2 and waves, slowly, looking right at the camera. From here on, the show is being directed by David Lynch, whether we like it or not.

349 Hour #18, 4-5pm

16.27 Birthday wishlist news; Charley had a sleep on the balloons in the taxi, made friends with an old man who got her on his shoulders, and had a photo taken with the lions in Trafalgar Square.

16.29 With Jennifer's thousand pounds in the pot for Rufus, we have only £250 left to get for #houndcock to become a reality.

350 Hour #18, 4-5pm

16.30 Mindful of James' question, Mark says he will ring Hound, and "enquire about mallet availability". Holli says the mallet is in the dressing room, along with his regal costume. Mark leaves him a voicemail, just to be sure.

16.33 Jennifer wants Emma to wee before she goes. "I'm mustering!" the insistence from Kennedy in return.

351 Hour #18, 4-5pm

16.35 @joelycett I'M ON MY DATE! Here I am with @jlukeroberts. DONATE! #25hour

16.38 @jlukeroberts Second date of the day with @joelycett. Going well I think. #trialseparation #25Hours

352 Hour #18, 4-5pm

16.35 Mat Ricardo is here! Just in time for, well, the best thing about what's happening on the stage right now is that the audience get a LOVELY view of Markus' mural. "A strange introduction to the show for Mat Ricardo," says Mark, accurately, as the SheWee is brought out, and Emma prepares self.

16.36 "I'm increasingly reluctant to use the phrase 'live-stream'," Mark continues.

16.37 "These shows have always been odd, but this is really something," says Mark. As Emma Kennedy pisses behind a mural of his own face, which is held up by Corry and Adam, both of whom are being careful not to look behind them. Supervised by Jennifer Saunders. With Mat Ricardo in the background, gamely trying to ignore what is happened while setting up a dining table for the trick he is shortly to perform. And the audience making a susurrus of piss noises, to encourage Emma to go, and cover the sound of her tinkling. "There's a hundred pounds in this!" Mark reminds us. "She's weeing MONEY into a bucket!" He apologises to Mat, as Jennifer worries Emma might prolapse: "I don't want you prolapsing". Am 100% certain that is something we none of us want.

16.39 There are no designated breaks in this Long Show, Mark seemingly keen to give the live-stream viewers something to watch the whole time, lest the donations dry up. This means that, for the serious-minded audient trying to gauge when they can nip out to the bar or toilets, there can be some tactics involved in determining the optimum moment. So when I see Mat Ricardo setting the stage for a trick I've seen him do before, I'm confident I can vamoose - Wee #4! - without missing the onstage equivalent of a rare blooming cactus flower.

353 Hour #18, 4-5pm

@jlukeroberts 20 minutes to get through this wine before @joelycett has to go. #trialseparation #25Hours

354 Hour #18, 4-5pm

16.42 Am back in my seat before Mat Ricardo has really gotten going, he on the preliminaries of proving the items above the tablecloth are not glued together, as we might think. Or held in place using magnets. At which he carefully undermines self, the metal tea-service he lifts to prove he's not one for skullduggery simply will not be forced together, his hands twisted apart with every push, almost as though they are being repulsed by an invisible force.

16.44 Mat doesn't quite get around to doing the tablecloth trick, suddenly set on proving to us that some kitchen items balance very well on both each other and his face, getting a platter spinning on three large items of cutlery and associated accessories, and holding the whole thing in his teeth.

@jlukeroberts He's gone to get ice cream. Sneakily topping up his glass!! #trialseparation #25Hours

16.45 Mat doesn't quite get around to doing the tablecloth trick, suddenly set on showing the comparative difficulty of juggling items, and inadvertently getting a large knife stuck in his arm. Something I was able to warn the increasingly knife-antsy Ella over, before it happened, though she couldn't help but look. A lot of people in here cannot help but look. Mat Ricardo is very good at his job.

355 Hour #18, 4-5pm

16.47 Mat gets around to doing the tablecloth trick, deftly tugging the silken cloth out from beneath the vase of flowers, cups and saucers, and other assorted tea-set paraphernalia. Then swooping it back into place, with still more flourish. Newton's First Law of Motion has never been so fun192…

192 That is to say, "every object in a state of uniform motion tends to remain in that state of motion unless an external force is applied to it." So the couch potato will stay inert, unless acted upon by an outside force, just as a tea set will; both a lumpen TV consumer and set of Ricardo accessories have inertia, because of their mass. In the case of the latter, his swift pulling of the tablecloth, and the materials themselves, assure the success of the trick. The slippery cloth and smooth table mean less friction; the weight of the items means more mass, and thus more inertia. All you need - to prove Newton right on this matter* - is low friction, and brief acceleration (with a sharp tug), and you can pull out the tablecloth without moving the vase and its cohorts too far.

* There are occasional matters on which you might want to contest Sir Isaac's thinking: alchemy super definitely works cutting a series of kitten-shaped holes in the base of your study door, rather than expecting all your beloved cat's brood to come through the one hole you cut for her, is the simplest of ideas being Warden of the Mint will probably be quite an easy cushy job, and you won't even need to run a network of spies from a pub as part of your measures to curtail widespread counterfeiting

356 Hour #18, 4-5pm

@joelycett Making @jlukeroberts unfollow his bitch ex @NadiaKamil before we proceed with the date. #25hour

16.49 Mat thanked, Mark is back before us, telling us of the pact he and Corry have: a drink for the both of them at six o'clock. A proper drink. What idiomatic English would call a 'drink drink'. Booze. A Long Show first for both of them, but their respective way of putting down a marker and putting away a treat as the end hoves slowly into sight.

@MatRicardo I saw @EmmaK67 do a wee. Unsure how I feel about this.

357 Hour #18, 4-5pm

@joelycett I think it's love ❤ @jlukeroberts #25hour

358 Hour #18, 4-5pm

16.50 The three remaining 'Last Leg' auditionees are lined up on the stage. Adam Hills had suggested they learn a speech from a film, to prove their acting chops; it is decided that that film will be 'Beverly Hills Chihuahua'. Because it will be funny, and because we basically don't seem sure there are any other movies now. This show is a very odd bubble, and not just for Oliver. "I've had a terrible hour," he tells us, on arrival. "Did you hear any of that?" asks Mark, wondering whether he needs to recap the plan. "No," Oli tells him, "I was watching 'Beverly Hills Chihuahua'."

16.52 The plan is explained to Oliver Fisher. The phrase "busman's holiday" is used in that explanation.

16.54 Barney asks if there's a seminal scene or speech he would recommend the three auditionees learn. "There's SO MANY," Oli insists, exactly as you would expect from a man on his twelfth consecutive viewing. Mark excuses him from further film watching duties, for the moment, and instead charges him with the task of finding a suitable scene for Kate, Saskia and Kirsty Christopher to perform.

359 Hour #18, 4-5pm

@laurenlaverne I AM HERE I AM HERE LET ME IN IMMEDIATELY #25hours @watsoncomedian @EmmaK67

16.56 Dec disappears, on a renewed mission for food (red fruit!). It briefly looks as though all he is going to miss is along the lines of a Challenge recap from Mark, and so on. "Andrew Scherer has been running a marathon, remember." I believe he is now on 19.7 miles.

16.58 Dec misses the arrival of Lauren Laverne. And the chance to hear me contextualising the lady for the benefit of non-Brit Ella, who neither grew up with nor watches much of our telly.

16.59 The woman who was going to pie Tiernan gives the plate to Lauren. As our new guest of honour, this treat is hers.

360 Hour #18, 4-5pm

361 Hour #18, 4-5pm

Countdown Challenge, 4-5pm

Innis Round Time Selection Mark Deeks Score Best Max Carson PEPERINO 328 4.02 pm PTNPOIERE POINTER 2236 – 2296 PEPERONI 2595 PEPERONI 329 4.06 pm BASOKAGAA BOAKS 2241 – 2301 BOAKS BOAKS 2600 100 25 5 4 2 8 775 330 4.08 pm 775 2251 – 2311 775 2610 → 775 8 * 100 - 25 DAMPED MAIMED VAMPED 331 4.10 pm DIMAPEDMV DIADEM 2257 – 2317 DIMMED 193 2616 DIADEM DAMMED DIMMED HETAERA 332 4.12 pm LGTHEAARE LEATHER 2264 – 2324 LEATHER LEATHER 2623 HALTERE USURER 333 4.15 pm RURERUWAS REARS 2269 – 2329 SWEAR AUREUS 2629 URAEUS RELATED BLEATED TREBLED 334 4.17 pm BLTDAEEJR TREBLED 2276 – 2336 BLEATED 2636 DEBATER ALERTED TREADLE 728 75 25 100 10 335 4.20 pm 728 2286 – 2336 727 2646 7 2 → 728 (75 * (100 - 2)) / 10 - 7 336 4.30 pm ZWRFIUIST FRUITS 2292 – 2342 FRUITS FRUITS 2652 SCOOTED 337 4.32 pm DOGEBOTSC BOOSTED 2299 – 2349 BOOSTED STOOGED 2659 BOOSTED 338 4.36 pm STNTUIEEI TINIEST 2306 – 2356 TINIEST ENTITIES 2667 SOFTIES FITNESS 339 4.39 pm NETOSESFI FITNESS 2313 – 2363 FITNESS INFESTS 2674 FINESSE NOSIEST 806 100 25 75 2 8 340 4.42 pm 806 2323 – 2373 806 2684 7 → 806 8 * 100 + 2 * 75 / 25 SHOVING 341 4.44 pm VONEGIHSY SHOVING 2330 – 2380 SHOVING 2691 SHOEING 342 4.47 pm DNPMUOUMI IMPOUND 2337 – 2380 PODIUM IMPOUND 2698 343 4.53 pm LOCELOSDR SCROLLED 2345 – 2388 SCROLLED SCROLLED 2706 ANNEXE CAREEN 344 4.58 pm NCNXEAORE CORNEA 2351 – 2394 CAREEN COAXER 2712 CORNEA ENCORE

193 'Diadem'. Noun. Something Harry Potter needs to carpe. (As new Engligh teacher John Keating'd say.)

362 Hour #18, 4-5pm CLAIRE'S DATE #18 - LUKE (5pm)

Luke was the second date drafted from ITV, and although I'd vaguely known him whilst I was there, I never really spoke to him. I knew he was hot, and I was sure there was also some back-hand bribery to secure his attendance, but I didn't really care, I'd started to get desperate. Luke emailed me earlier on in the date to let me know he could only stay for half an hour, but he'd come along anyway.

As soon as he arrived, he panned Pass The Pigs and went straight for the Connect 4. Whilst he became the second / third / fourth / I can't remember-th person to kick my arse at the game, we spoke about dating etiquette, and how he's a strong advocate of playing by the rules, including things such as the three day rule which I have to say I'd always believed was a myth.

After a cursory couple of games, it was time for Luke to flee, but not before he revealed that in the carrier bag he was carrying were the makings of spaghetti and meatballs that he was going to prepare for a 'real' date. You mean I wasn't a real date? You break my heart Luke, you really do. Or not. You decide...

363 Hour #19, 5-6pm Hour #19 5-6pm

17.00 Tiernan is pie'd in the face by Lauren Laverne. "Laverne's aim is true!" calls Mark, as Tiernan just leaves the plate hanging there. Flushed with her success - his face is ENTIRELY cream, now - Laverne knees the air in jubilation, the classic GET IN pose.

364 Hour #19, 5-6pm

17.01 Mark tries to figure out how many pies Tiernan has taken so far; it's more than 19, as he had a "double-pie hour". "That's almost a Motown song," muses Lauren194.

194 A reworked Four Tops classic, mayhap, e.g. 'I Can't Help Myself (Getting Pie'd A Whole Bunch)'.

365 Hour #19, 5-6pm

@RufusHound I've been at work for the last 2 hours. I've just found out about @ferrifrump's "kind donation" #fuck #25Hours

17.03 Lauren has the Rufus plan explained to her. She offers to sponsor him too, making up the remaining £140 needed to get him to £2,500.

@EmmaK67 So the legend that is @laurenlaverne has ensured that @RufusHound will be entertaining us this evening. I suggest you don't miss it.#25hours

366 Hour #19, 5-6pm

by Pei Yen (oxymoronish.tumblr.com)

367 Hour #19, 5-6pm

17.05 Tiernan would like to do a dance, or something, to wake us all up. I think this is a tremendous idea. Lauren is notably the most alive one here, wit a-sparkle as to run that part of her brain isn't diverting power from main engines like so many of ours now are.

368 Hour #19, 5-6pm

369 Hour #19, 5-6pm

17.06 We do not get to dance. We do get to see Pierre's newest drawing, which rather distracts from such suggestions. It is of some racist kittens at a Nazi rally. Lauren likens him to "court artist in the worst court ever", as though the medieval practice of trying animals195 had continued in a parallel dimension. Mark does not seek to apologise, instead making it plain that Pierre's art is turning out like this without specific instruction from us. "We asked him to do a portrait of Rachel Riley because she's meant to be coming down, but he's made her out to be a satanist, for no reason really." Mark hands over the painting, with its devil-horned fingers and winsome smile. "It seems like she's just got an evil hand," determines Lauren; "the rest of her actually looks okay." "That's her Vowels And Consonants hand", Mark informs us, confidently.

17.08 Change my batteries over again, powering-up self with movement as I do camera. The Lego family, on the little platform by the stairs at the back of the room, are still hard at it too. Projects will see you through.

@jamesdowdeswell Hey @RufusHound - Your cock just cashed cheque I hope your mallet can cash. G. luck. Thanks @laurenlaverne #25hours @ThePleasance

195 Many of these are detailed in the 1906 tome, 'The Criminal Prosecution and Capital Punishment of Animals' by E.P.Evans, which sees a fear of lawlessness in people desperate for control in the cases of: the sparrows who were collectively prosecuted for chattering in Church the pigs who were executed for stealing a communion wafer, and - in a separate incident - strangling and defacing [literally de-facing] a child on Easter Day the cockerel who was burnt at the stake for laying an egg

And, presumably, one can also see evidence of the power of a masterful defence counsel in the fact that some animals did get off, including: the rats who were charged with having “feloniously eaten up and wantonly destroyed” the local barley; their lawyer argued that they probably didn’t receive the summons and, even if they had, were permitted to refuse to turn up to court if they feared for their safety, say from the villagers' cats a gang of weevils who stood accused of damaging a vineyard they were deemed to have been exercising their natural rights to eat, and in compensation were granted a vineyard of their own a she-ass who had been raped, for it was argued that she was the innocent victim of violence (by a rapist who was put to death); the local priest was a most complimentary character witness for her ("she is in word and deed and in all her habits of life a most honest creature”)

N.B. It all sounds delightfully ludicrous now, of course. But a few weeks after the Long Show, the FoxNews website reported that a celebrity groundhog was being sued for giving the wrong weather report - i.e. not seeing his shadow - on February 2nd. So now we can snark at AMERICANS, just as we did PEASANTS:

"Punxsutawney Phil did purposely, and with prior calculation and design, cause the people to believe that spring would come early," Mike Gmoser, the prosecutor in southwestern Ohio's Butler County, wrote in an official-looking indictment. Gmoser wrote that Punxsutawney Phil is charged with misrepresentation of spring, which constitutes a felony "against the peace and dignity of the state of Ohio."

370 Hour #19, 5-6pm

17.09 New Art Club return to the stage, suggesting it takes no more than five minutes for dance mission control to matter-transport them two anywhere196. Mark and Lauren vacate it. The floor is theirs. And with it, they would like us to work our butts. Not off. Just in general. To which end, we are urged to stand, face the back of the room, and grab our own cheeks. Jack, with Holly standing on top of him, grabs hers. Grab and then waggle. "Bum de bum de bum de bum…"

17.11 The follow-up moves involve we being asked to reveal our bare cheeks and waggle them freely, as Tom and Pete do. We sit down instead, a much better collective use of our bottoms197. The boys, trousers curved beneath their rumps, bounce from side to side. Poke their right hands between their own legs and waggle a thumb from side to side. "Bum de bum de bum de bum…"

196 I don't know what dance mission control IS. But I'm confident it contains a lot of spare hammers, none of which you can touch. And which Jarvis Cocker and Barry Adamson keep messing with, trying to set control to the heart of the pelvis. The scamps.

197 This year, for the first time in my life, I had cause to tell an imbalanced child I teach to "sit on your bottom", before realising - delighted - that such utterances mark me out as a REAL TEACHER. Which I also said out loud, somewhat disproving it, for real teachers - like real boys, Pinocchio you big silly - tend not to need to voice their realness. A thing confirmed by my follow-up imprecation that the boy "sit on your Ade Edmondson and your Rik Mayall", for I am not your average teacher any more than Yogi is an average bear. Though Oscar did then sit, on what he termed his "gluteus maximus", because he is also not really representative of most children.

371 Hour #19, 5-6pm

372 Hour #19, 5-6pm

17.12 We are offered chewing gum, from a hand perilously close to a man's waggly bottom. We none of us accept it. It's not quite sweets, but they're definitely strangers.

@laurenlaverne I just saw a man do TERRIBLE THINGS with some chewing gum and his bare arse. #25Hours

373 Hour #19, 5-6pm

17.14 Dec returns, bearing bounteous goodness from the nearby supermarket. After 18+ hours of cheese, pretzels, fudge, pasta, and other snackfood-based suggestions/evidence that I am not fit to shop for myself, I gain a punnet of raspberries that are something akin to edible salvation. And, correspondingly, a sense of absolute bliss. As the faecal Jackanory gets going, on the stage. For now is finally time for turd tales.

17.15 Emma Kennedy tells us first of Brian Blessed; in the tent one night, while climbing Everest, he needed a poo. Those in the tent made him get out of the tent, shimmy along a rope, and shit into an abyss, so as to preserve some decorum. Which he did, exiting the tent, shimmying along a rope, and shitting into an abyss. Then shimmying back, and returning to the tent. Where he found his friends could smell something unpleasant. Something like shit, in fact. And it was found that, although he HAD pooed into the abyss, a particularly accurate and mischievous gust of wind had deposited his deposit into his jacket's hood.

17.16 Without giving us time to recover, Emma moves straight on to the second of her stories, this one concerning a well-known 'Eastenders' actress. Who had builders in her house, working on the bathroom. And, at one point, really really needed a shit198. So she shooed them out, not paying any attention to what they were trying to tell her. And did a HUGE poo. Massive. Which flushed okay. But which did not disappear. What the men had tried to explain was that the toilet was not plumbed in. The poo just flew straight out the back. And down through a gap in the floor, into her kitchen. Where the builders had congregated.

198 A horrifying truth among many in that story; women shit. As has aphoristically noted:

"Horses sweat. Gentlemen perspire. Women sweat and perspire - and shit and piss and menstruate. But you would never guess that to look at them. WITH THEIR FACES."

374 Hour #19, 5-6pm

17.17 Emma denies that the well-known 'Eastenders' actress was Tracey-Ann Oberman, while happily telling us she's happy if we think that of her.

17.18 Poo tales over - though a kids' TV commissioner somewhere is surely TINGLING - Tiernan comes up onstage to tell us that his sponsorship tally has now exceeded £1,500 - yaaay - and to suggest that 'No Scrubs' is sung, in honour of our not getting Zach Braff. Lauren is happy to do just that. Barney announces that he has already typed up his reworked lyrics, prompting a "holy shit!" from an impressed Tiernan: "Barney's on the game", he continues, turning praise for the man's with-it-ness into a seeming suggestion he is a hooker. (And not in a rugby way. Eye on the ball, that's what you want. Not 'balls' plural.)

375 Hour #19, 5-6pm

17.19 As preparations get underway for the song, Lauren commends those hiphop artists who valiantly strive to introduce a new word to the common vernacular, such as 'scrubs'. (Which TLC meant as a synonym for 'loser', but which mostly still just means 'American hospital staff uniform' to most.)

ELY (n.)

The first, tiniest inkling you get that something, somewhere, has gone terribly wrong.

- from 'The Meaning Of Liff'

376 Hour #19, 5-6pm

17.20 Mark thinks he just saw a black dog, in the shadows stage-right/house-left. A couple of other people, when he checks with the room, say they did too. This is, in combination, far more troubling than any shitty story199.

@laurenlaverne .@watsoncomedian and the audience are trying to establish whether a black dog, which can be seen by several people present is in fact real.

199 Visual hallucinations are one of the more common symptoms of sleep deprivation. But mass visual hallucinations are far less common. There's more research on how susceptible people are to suggestion, and peer pressure. Solomon Asch's conformity experiments of the 1950s, for example, looked at whether the seventh person in a group would give an answer that matched the previous erroneous six, when studying cards showing lines of differing length, rather than possibly ghostly hounds.

377 Hour #19, 5-6pm

17.22 It is suggested we do a headcount for lifers, to see who has stayed with the show since 11pm yesterday evening. Mark is happy to do so. Lauren is less convinced. "Not sure you're the best person to count, Mark, you just hallucinated a dog." Point.

@jlukeroberts We've now got to the awkward part f every date where you hang around waiting for @watsoncomedian to see you #trialseparation #25Hours

17.24 Lauren does the headcount, aided enormously by her not currently hallucinating anything, and our putting our hands up (rather'n making her guess). 105, she says. Plus the likes of Claire, Oli and the Countdown guys, who are not in the room right now.

@RufusHound I've just realised I'm only at 56% online. Pretty sure that means I still don't have to do it. Right? #25Hours

378 Hour #19, 5-6pm

17.26 A group of primary school children arrive - one in Red Nose Day deely-boppers, all in their uniform - and comprehensively derail the plan to have the lead singer of Kenickie sing a reworked cover of a sassy 1999 smash, itself a tribute to our failures and successes in attracting the attention of Zach Braff. They're primary school children from Ipswich. And, more specifically, the school we have been in touch with all day. The arrival of any other group of primary school children would have just made this all REALLY weird.

17.27 The kids have spent the day doing 25 different lessons, some of which were set by us. Some of the others sound more fun than ours. "We had to come up with 25 different endings to the story of Goldilocks," says the girl without the deely-boppers200. An increasingly ragged-sounding Mark reckons that's "a lot more creative than we've been today". Tiernan, who regularly comperes ComedyClub4Kids and is pretty good at the old kid chat, asks what her favourite ending was.

200 And thus, presumably, without the headache. Or mayhap her head is made of stronger stuff than mine, and wearing a headband does not in itself induce cephalalgia.

379 Hour #19, 5-6pm

"Probably when my friend made up that Goldilocks lived happily ever after, in the bear's tummies." Heh, very good201. Lauren, not to be outdone in the Good With Kids stakes, asks the girl in the deely-boppers202 to tell her more of the day. Thus do we learn that another lesson involved trying to score 25 basketball goals, and that the novelty antennae wearer scored two.

17.28 Teacher Dan Woodrow comes onto the stage, with two more kids. And a lunchbox with 25 items in, as a gift (which suddenly makes us seem like we are the ones they are here to help). Alongside a commemorative book of the day, that they have printed up. We are collectively thanked for our lesson suggestions. They know the capitals. Their whole train carriage do now, as the kids were practicing on the way down. (Dec says we should test them. On the capitals. I rather want their TLC knowledge; will any part of the song we were about to make sense, and do they know of Lisa Left-Eye Lopez? We neither of us are in charge of the children.) Dan says that he's "shattered": "all the teachers have gone home to sleep, all the children are at Football Club and still running around". Which is what Mark would expect. "Except that I can't remember what sleep is," he says, "I remember it a bit like death."

17.30 Britannia Primary School have raised £4.5K today, with all their 25-themed lesson fun. "Four and a half grand, you'd have to do a lot of stuff for that," says Mark. Indeed. A giant cheque is handed over, the first and only such mighty local- paper-style frivolity we are afforded.

201 This kind of faerytale-rewrite thinking can be extremely lucrative. Hence the second book in Jasper Fforde's Nursery Crime series; his 'Fourth Bear' looks at the disappearance of journalist 'Goldy' Hatchett, with a police investigation that takes in the potential involvement of a trio of ursines, the last to see her alive.

202 Deely-boppers were invented in 1981, by entrepreneur Stephen Askin, who was 'inspired' by [copying the] antennae of the Killer Bee costumes on 'Saturday Night Live'. He sold the invention to the Ace Novelty Co. and they were named deely-bobbers, this being a marketer's wife's friend's word for 'thingamajig' or 'hoojamaflip'. The word 'deely-bobbers' is a genericised trademark. That I call them 'boppers', not 'bobbers', suggests they were popularised in the UK by someone who swiped the idea, rather than by the Ace Novelty Co. themselves. And that, had John Minkove's wife not made that particular friend in high school, I would have written an entirely different word for the Microsoft spellchecker to colour in red and cry over.

Please note that, given my referring to the girls by their appearance, as Gideon Defoe tends to in his aforementioned 'Pirates!' novels (e.g. 'with a scarf', 'in green', 'with long legs') I have striven to have this footnote be sensible, sober and factual.

380 Hour #19, 5-6pm

17.32 One of the school's tasks was to re-write The Beatles' 'When I'm 64'203, so as it's titled 'When I'm 25'. Which, for these kids, is the equivalent age, just about204. Mark reads the lyrics to us, they helpfully included in the book he was given. "When I get older, losing my hair / Fifteen years from now." Chilling, isn't it..?

203 An overly jaunty song that ever annoyed me as a child, I confident that Chuck or Vera would be LUDICROUS names for a tiny baby. Even Dave doesn’t suit a toddler; it’s a name to be bellowed across a carpark, or stockroom. And none of Paul McCartney's grandchildren were named after Vera Lynn, Chuck Berry or jazz pianist Dave Brubeck, making that bit of lyrical prognostication a little loopy. Though maybe his daughter Mary naming her fourth child Sid was a nod to Mr Vicious, her own musical hero. And Stella might really really love the Steve Miller Band, enough to call her eldest son Steve don't be ridiculous he has a sister called BECKETT Miller.

204 They're nine and ten, and are looking to a point where they'll be one and half times older. Paul was 24 when the song was recorded, in 1966. Yianni isn't the only one who can have fun ('fun') with maths!

381 Hour #19, 5-6pm

17.34 "What will my job be / Will I still like me? / When I'm 25…"

17.35 We watch a short video, to an oompah-ish version of 'When I'm 64', which shows us photos from the day, and details some of the lessons which the kids have had: 25 Facts about 25 Art using 25 red noses Build a tower 25 sums that make 25 Say 25 in 25 different ways 25 different endings to a story 25 bingo 25 inventions 25 Capital Cities of Europe Retell a story in 25 words Dress in 25 items Decorate 25 biscuits

17.36 Mark reads us some of the questions from the true/false quiz, in the book. We are alright on calories and mph, despite the sleep-deprivation and occasional tendency to see dogs that may not necessarily be there.

17.38 It is suggested that we all singalong with the kids' rejigged Beatles classic. But we don't know the words to 'When I'm 25'. As a get-around, Carol suggests a photograph be taken of the right page in the book, and tweeted, so we can sing along if we have phones that can access such things. Somehow pages start falling out of the book, as Mark holds it up for this to happen. "You've just destroyed DREAMS!" insists Tiernan, before helping him put it back together.

17.39 Tiernan photographs the lyrics, as suggested, and tweets them. A singsong can now happen.

@adamhess1 Some children are singing a Beatles song about the woes of aging. Watson just destroyed a book. Everyone is starving #25hours

382 Hour #19, 5-6pm

383 Hour #19, 5-6pm

17.43 It is reported that Rufus is saying the £2,500 is not all banked, but rather some of it is on a promise, which suggests he can wiggle out of his pledge on a fiscal technicality. However, we did just receive a cheque for £4,579.32. "You could say the kids have paid for it," says Mark, "in a way". The kids who are now on their way back to Ipswich, incidentally. It was decided it was best if they do not stay and watch. They are definitely not going to see any of Rufus' work for Comic Relief205.

17.45 We are now three-quarters of the way through the 25 hours! And, as Mark says, "the Big Three are now all back in place, like the ravens in the Tower206 - just means we're safe".

17.46 Dawn reports that the finished eBay auctions have raised £8 grand, so far. Minchin's Matilda prize is currently on £2,400, £200 more than Caitlin Moran's pub gossip. And the chance to go bowling with Watson, Key, Basden and their mate Rick Edwards is currently on £260.

205 Unless they have unsupervised internet access. Or they watch all of the Red Nose Day coverage, right into the witching hour, where introduces a five minute highlights reel which includes the pants handout, dog hallucination, several pies, hug marathoners, failed sun visit, and quite a lot of egg splatter.

206 Says the Historic Royal Palaces website (http://www.hrp.org.uk/TowerOfLondon/stories/theravens):

Legend says that the kingdom and the Tower will fall if the six resident ravens ever leave the fortress. It was Charles II, according to the stories, who first insisted that the ravens of the Tower should be protected. This was against the wishes of his astronomer, John Flamsteed, who complained that the ravens impeded the business of his observatory in the White Tower. Despite their having one wing trimmed, some ravens do in fact go absent without leave and others have had to be sacked. Raven George was dismissed for eating television aerials, and Raven Grog was last seen outside an East End pub.

384 Hour #19, 5-6pm

BOWLING WITH MARK,TIM KEY,TOM BASDEN RICK EDWARDS - MARK WATSON 1 DAY CR AUCTION

A NIGHT FOR TWO BOWLING, AT A BOWLING ALLEY IN NORTH LONDON, WITH MARK WATSON, TIM KEY, TOM BASDEN AND RICK EDWARDS. YOU WILL BOWL WITH THEM. THEY WILL GET YOU PISSED. THERE WILL BE BANTER. YOU WILL REMEMBER IT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, MAYBE SLIGHTLY LONGER.

17.51 Mark gets a wife text, telling him to do more to publicise the number to donate. Folk watching the live-stream need to be reminded that if they text 70005 with the word MARK, £5 will go to Comic Relief from your next bill207. We do a chant to remind them, reading off the backscreen to insist that they "donate five pounds by texting MARK to seven triple zero five". That’s "donate five pounds by texting MARK to seven triple zero five”. I say chaps, do "donate five pounds by texting MARK to seven triple zero five”. Tiernan also giddily chants the Terms & Conditions on the bottom of the backscreen, and Mark joins him, a segment which ends with mis-spelt words being pointed out to us. And a realisation that the mural has ripped on one corner. Lauren offers to go get some clear tape from a newsagents, but she does not need to skivvy for us: there is some backstage, swiftly located and brought out. Sellotape-darning can thus happen.

ARDSLIGNISH (adj.)

Adjective which describes the behaviour of Sellotape when you are tired.

- from 'The Meaning Of Liff'

207 The text donations are SUCH A VERY GOOD IDEA. It makes it so easy for people; you don't even need to faff with a phone call or cheque or whathaveyou, but can just zap them a promise of £1, £5 or £10, to be taken from your next bill. It's simple, and immediate. The money can come in as soon as the telephone numbers are publicised. Mobile operators waive their usual fees and the Treasury does not charge VAT on the transaction, either, so every penny goes to the charity. And Comic Relief themselves can track how much came in from which particular push as they all have keywords to text, be it MARK, RND13, BAKE, DARE, YES, HART, MEAT, HELP or GREG, etc. Donating by SMS was introduced in 2009, and by 2011 more than £15m - almost a fifth of the money raised for Red Nose Day - was donated through people texting in. Am presuming we've soared through that figure this year. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

385 Hour #19, 5-6pm

17.59 The pie-er for this next marker hour will be Holli. Still in her pink pyjamas. Though Mark does now know who she is.

386 Hour #19, 5-6pm

Countdown Challenge, 5-6pm

Round Time Selection Mark Deeks Score Innis Carson Best Max 623 75 25 50 1 2 4 345 5.00 pm 623 2361 – 2404 623 2722 → 623 25 * (75 - 50) - 2 DAMPEN POMADE PENMAN MANNED 346 5.04 pm NKPNEAOMD MOANED 2367 – 2410 PANNED 208 2728 MOPANE PANNED MOANED DAEMON

347 5.49 pm TIPARSEIF APERITIFS 2385 – 2428 APERITIFS APERITIFS 2746

348 5.55 pm BHTIUUESS BUSHIEST 2393 – 2436 BUSHIEST BUSHIEST 2754

FOXIES209 DOGIES DOXIES210 FOGIES 349 5.57 pm VOGEFIXSD OXIDES 2399 – 2442 VIDEOS 211 2760 OGIVES OXIDES FODIES212 VIDEOS 529 100 25 75 9 1 350 5.59 pm 529 2409 – 2442 531 2770 2 → 529 (9 - 2) * 75 + 100 / 25

208 'Mopane'. Noun. A type of South African tree, on which there live the [apparently delicious] mopane caterpillar. Incidentally, aren't books and language and learning wonderful..?

209 'Foxies'. Noun. An informal Australian name for a 'fox terrier'. And a wine bar in Swindon.

210 'Doxies'. Noun, pl. A mistress or sexually promiscuous woman. Also used as a synonym for 'daschunds'.

211 'Ogives'. Noun, pl. The roundly tapered ends of two-dimensional or three-dimensional objects. In glaciers, the word refers to alternating wave crests and valleys that appear as dark and light bands of ice.

212 'Fodies'. Noun, pl. Type of bird, who live on islands - like Madagascar - in the Western Indian Ocean.

387 Hour #19, 5-6pm CLAIRE'S DATE #19 - CARL (6pm)

Carl was another one of the dates that I'd cajoled into coming along, and being the benevolent sort he obliged. I've known Carl for a good 12 years or so, having gone to university together, but since I only ever see the bugger once every 5 years and we'd never 'dated', it seemed like a good idea. Plus he knew me well enough to be able to understand the delirium more than most, which definitely counted in my favour.

For a good 40 minutes or so we spoke about veganism, and I asked Carl to try and explain to me why forgoing all the good stuff in life, like meat and cheese, was a good idea. Apparently he converts up to 40 people a year to veganism, so I thought it;d be an interesting debate. I'm usually a reasonable person, and I'm sure under normal circumstances I'd have been more susceptible to his powers of persuasion. But my armour of insomnia served me well, and instead by the end of it I found myself hankering for Ikea horsemeatballs and Dairylea. Sorry Carl.

Aside from the veganism, we touched on his PhD in political violence, his hobby as an anarchist, and his impending emigration to Canada. At some point, we were invaded by an entire primary school, round about the time I tried to recite and rewrite Rutger Hauer's speech from Bladerunner detailing my surreal 25 hours experience thus far (I've seen things you people wouldn't believe; fat chips and the shoulders of a giant Carebear..."), and then suddenly the clock struck 7pm. Bloody hell, 19 down, 6 to go...

388 Hour #20, 6-7pm Hour #20 6-7pm

18.00 Holli's pie arm is true, and mighty213.

213 One could even say she is as mighty as a T-Tex, which is, as has already been footnote-established, quite a compliment.

389 Hour #20, 6-7pm

MarkDeeksNBA The bit where we just spelt out the word ARSE on Radio 4 was a COMPLETE coincidence.

390 Hour #20, 6-7pm

18.01 Simon Amstell is here! Previous veteran of the Long Shows, and noted acerbic doubt-cloud, he takes in the empty seats and greets Mark by saying "it's not sold out, is it?" Simon would like to use this opportunity to try out material for the Wembley charity gala he's doing this week, Russell Brand's Give It Up Gig for Comic Relief. Simon does exactly that, using us as guinea pigs, for joke medicine that will then be tried on chimps (we are a hundredth of the audience he will have on Wednesday, and unused now to straight stand-up). The gig is part of a specific Comic Relief push to raise money to get addicts off drink and drugs, hence Russell compering, and will feature both stand-ups and musicians214. So as we really get a sense of the night, Mark will play Russell Brand, and introduce Simon.

18.02 Mark realises he is not quite up to full Brand powers sounding, in his own words "more and more like an old sheep- man". And just brings Amstell on to this, Wembley Stadium, "the surroundings somewhat dwarfing him". "Er, hi!" Simon calls, in a manner both awkward and assured. "Hi!" we chorus in return. "How are you Wembley?" he asks, grinning at the ridiculousness of this. "I knew Russell when he was a drug addict. And I didn't know he was a drug addict. I just thought he was like a cool guy with a pipe."215 Simon says he even complimented the look, leaving Russell not knowing if he was sarcastic or an idiot. "I was an idiot. He was on crack."

214 Musicians such as Emeli Sande, Jake Bugg, Jessie J, Kasabian, Nicole Scherzinger, Noel Gallagher, Paloma Faith and ; comedians including (who closed, and was WONDERFUL), , Jason Manford, Jimmy Carr and (who was a 'funny' policeman with gaffer tape 'tache and eyebrows; he is 39). Please note, as there are no female stand-ups working in the UK today, it makes total sense that ladies only be allowed on the stage if they are to sing there.

215 This is the opener Simon chooses to go with, for the Wembley show, then grinning his gratefulness that Russell is no longer on drugs. "When we first met he was hosting a stand-up gig and I was the first act on. And to get the crowd warmed-up he threw dead mice at them! Then got into a fight with a large man in the frontrow, and then to avoid that man said 'please welcome Simon Amstell!'"

391 Hour #20, 6-7pm

by Pei Yen (oxymoronish.tumblr.com)

392 Hour #20, 6-7pm

@TiernanDouieb Pie 19 was more violent than I expected. Now a lovely visit by @simonamstell with his Wembley material. #25Hours #thingshurtnow

18.03 "But tonight isn't just about Russell Brand's ego - Jessie J's here too."216 Simon talks of magic mushrooms, and insists we appreciate things like food, shelter and warmth, as more than just nice things to have after drugs. The ex-policeman is still hung up on what Jessie J is doing for the charity. "When you say Jessie J is 'shaving ALL her hair'..?" asks Ray, leaving the word 'pubes' loudly unmentioned.

18.07 Simon has written material specially for the gig217, and filleted the most drug-pertinent bits from his previous output. Including his mention of Mrs Dubose from 'To Kill A Mockingbird', whose crotchety rudeness is at least partly explained not by her age but by her trying to get off morphine before she dies, the very opposite, says Amstell, of his deathbed plans. He has had morphine for an operation: "it is like a HUG from the INSIDE!" It felt like love, but with none of the bother, he says, insisting Mrs Dubose would not want to give that up, instead imperiously declaring "now bring me Atticus Finch!" I love the fact that he is going to do a Harper Lee joke, to c12,000 people. Him too. "That'll play well at Wembley," he grins. He treads a lovely line, between what he wants to do, what a room will want to hear, and what a room will think terribly naughty and thus delicious.

216 This is cut from the broadcast, a sudden crowdshot masking the jump.

217 Not everyone else bothered. Nicole Scherzinger sang a song she already knew all the words to! Ahaha, comedy is different to singing! Clearly, cos a woman got to do it!

393 Hour #20, 6-7pm

18.10 Simon hopes the gig raises enough for people to die of more respectable diseases, rather than drug overdoses. Comic Relief have managed to raise more than £800m, in total, he says. And yet it isn't enough. There are STILL problems in the world. "I'm starting to wonder about their efficiency." If you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day; give him a fishing rod, and you feed him for a lifetime. That's what we're told. "I think this man might be eating the fishing rod."

18.13 Material trial over, Mark and Simon play catch-up on where Watson now lives, and who everyone is in the room. "I know HER!" Simon says, pointing at me; "in a nice way darling," I admonish. Before the man becomes hopelessly distracted by Misha coming in and out. He couldn't really cope with this lack of focus, from an audience. While Mark, as Mark says, thinks nothing of "people coming in and out, pissing in a bucket"; likely Simon wouldn't either, if he'd been here for a bit longer. Mark explains Jennifer Saunders' contribution, but Simon gets distracted again, this time by wool. "Knitting!" he exclaims.

394 Hour #20, 6-7pm

18.14 "Rufus Hound's going to smash some eggs with his cock," TV's Lauren Laverne tells TV's Simon Amstell. "There's going to be a mallet attached to it," clarifies Mark, not wanting Simon to get the wrong idea.

18.15 Simon asks where Tim Key is, this set-up being different to the last few Long Shows, with no onstage typing assistant. He is filming for 's new TV show, Mark tells him. He did a minute at the start of the show. "It was technically LAST MONTH!" calls a heckler.

18.16 "Do you want to stay and relax a bit?" asks Mark. "No no!" Simon tells him, quite certain. Nor does he want to judge the Chihuahua monologues. But he is quite interested in the explanation, as Mark is able to fill him in on what 'The Last Leg' involves now the Paralympics is no longer its main theme: current events, mainly218. "Like the Olympics, but with life," Mark tells him. "Luckily most of the news is now about how Olympians kill people, so it's fine." And Josh Widdicombe is on it, who Mark presumes Simon would like. "Is he Anne Widdicombe's child?" asks Simon. "I'd never considered that, but I don't think he can be, can he?" wonders Mark. No. Josh Widdicombe is not Anne's son. "Unless he's Jesus," as Emma points out; the former MP is a virgin. "Is she?" asks Mark: "VIRGIN NEWS!"

18.18 Simon asks if anyone has yet swapped around the 5 and the 2 which dominate the back of the stage, so as Mark has to do a still longer Long Show? No. But Mark resigns self to a further 27 hours if someone does. And is then immediately distracted by a redhead bearing wine. "Corry everyone! Amazing, basically." There is a round of applause, for her (if not the very notion if drinking - British audience, after all) and then Mark gets back to this TV show of Hillses, telling Simon about how the walk-on-guest-star candidates have been whittled down to three. "And they've all learned a speech from the terrible film 'Beverly Hills Chihuahua'. Which a man is perpetually watching for the 25 hours." Never has a man looked more like he's drinking lemon juice than Simon right now. "So basically all you've got to do is judge which of three people performs the speech the best!" Simon puts both hands on Mark's shoulder, a classic Man Move: "I think I might go home." He hugs Mark, and does just that. Simon Amstell, ladies & gentlemen!

18.21 We get our third and final Skype call from TapeFace. A man still neatly getting round the communication problems caused by a Sponsored Silence by printing out large- font signage. By this papery medium, we are asked if we are keen to see a trick? Yes! It involves £25, and if he gets it right, he will donate the money to Rufus. YES!

218 And a nice mix of guest acts from Adam and Josh's agency (4 of 9 in the last series), and film/TV etc.

395 Hour #20, 6-7pm

We see Sam pour five pound coins out of a skull mug, into his hand; these are balanced on a £20 note219, over the rim of his mug. A sign is held up, instructing us he needs to pull out the banknote without the coins dropping. We cheer him on, and he does just as promised. Raising £25 for Rufus' pot in the process.

18.23 Mark spots James Walker, and invites him up on the stage to interview Sam, explaining proceedings to TapeFace as he goes. "This is a perfect conversation for him as you can't talk." Heh. James starts with yer basic "hello", then follows it up with a "how are you?" Mark quietly suggests he stick with Yes/No questions. James thus changes tack to ask "are you, yes or no?" An excellent interview question. TapeFace nods, solemnly. Looks like he IS.

219 A Bank of England one. You know, blue. With a picture of Adam Smith on the reverse, and in the watermark. That holographic strip with foil patches, showing Adam Smith and an alternating ‘£’ and a ‘20’. And all those coloured irregular shapes on the front and back which combine to form a £ sign, when you hold it up to the light. As opposed to both types of Clydesdale Bank notes - two of the FIVE different types of Scottish banknotes - whose £20s feature a picture of Robert the Bruce both on the paper and in the watermark. Obvs! N.B. Northern Ireland also has notes printed by four different banks. My two favourites of this family - we've all got 'em - are First Trust Bank, which feature a man or woman, who get older as the notes get higher, and the Northern Bank - soon to be replaced by Danske Bank - which have, phenomenally, put famous Irish inventors and their inventions on there. As follows: £10 – JB Dunlop & bike £20 – H Ferguson & tractor £50 – FC Davidson & printing press £100 – Sir James Martin & ejector seat (as you can see, bottom left, on this here banknote)

396 Hour #20, 6-7pm

18.25 It is time for the final round of the auditions. The traditional 'Beverly Hills Chihuahua' speech recitation. And so Saskia, Kate and Christopher Kirsty make their way to the stage. "For two of these people," Mark intones, "The Last Leg dream is about to DIE LIKE A CAT IN A SACK".

18.27 Christopher Kirsty is up first. Microphone in one hand, for amplification, and phone in the other, for script, he steps forward into the light, alone. "We Chihuahuas are not toys!" he calls, the power of Shakespeare's St. Crispin's Day speech upon him. Rising to a fury over the ludicrous names the dogs are given by humans, he calms back down to a softer pitch, and paces lightly, as he talks of how they know the power of their strength. "We may be tiny but WE. ARE. MIGHTY!"

397 Hour #20, 6-7pm

18.29 Next is Saskia, reading from a scrap of paper. "We Chihuahuas are not toys," she says, cold and with brooding menace. She walks over to Mark, slowly and deliberately, telling him, right to his face, "we will no longer be spoken to with baby talk". Turning away, she lists the names by which the dogs are hailed by humans, spitting the last with some venom into Mark's face. "Jesus!" he yelps, backing away. She works self up into a fury, as the speech comes to an end, one hand punching the air as she rallies us onwards. "Yes, we are tiny. But WE. ARE. MIGHTY!"

18.30 "We're seeing some Next Level shit here," says Mark, as Saskia returns to the sideline.

18.31 The final contestant steps forward. Kate. Who has LEARNT it. And, as did the others, seeks to invest the lines with a power and a truth, all three aware that this is not a speech to be played for laughs, for the humour lies in the juxtaposition of tiny dog anger, rabble-rousing oration and them clearly in no way being Chihuahuas. "We Chihuahuas are not toys," she says, face wrinkling in disgust at the very idea. As she continues, it seems as though the lowly status of her brethren weighs heavy upon her, for the loaded words are spoken with sighs that belie much twisted resentment. "Yes, we Chihuahuas shake," she says, looking up at us, and slowly bringing the anger boiling forth. "YES, we are tiny. But WE are MIGHTY!"

398 Hour #20, 6-7pm

18.32 "From memory!" calls Mark. Yes indeed. And after the applause, the judging. Which means more clapping, for as the brave veteran of the Chihuahua marathon steps forward - a self-administered Ludovico technique, without the old Ludwig Van220 - Oliver receives an ovation. One of the standing ones. He has been watching that film so long he looks odd to me without the giant headphones. I can only presume that being granted brief freedom from the repeated viewings, while still undertaking a 'Beverly Hills Chihuahua' related activity, is akin to coming up for air slowly, so as to not get the bends. This is a decompression stop, for him. He's not out of the water yet.

18.33 "I think in different circumstances I would have enjoyed all of those," says Oli, his voice fractured and cracked like a deserted riverbed. "The one which brought back the most CHILLING memories, however was…" He taps his feet, trying to make a drumroll, and then calls out Saskia's name. Gamely applauded by her rivals, as well as we all. "Commiserations to two amazing performers," calls Mark, " Christopher Kirsty and Kate!"

220 Am simply presuming there is no Beethoven on the 'Beverly Hills Chihuahua' soundtrack. Not watched it.

399 Hour #20, 6-7pm

18.35 The stage now empty of contestants, Mark's thoughts turn away from dogs. Ought Rob to maybe courier the tape of himself and Watson to the GOSH event, at the zoo? No need, he's told, it has already got to them.

400 Hour #20, 6-7pm

18.39 John-Luke Roberts comes up, to tell Mark about his date with Joe Lycett. That Joe has now disappeared is not, in itself, a bad sign: he could only stay here for a couple of hours. The date went very well. "We drank a bottle of wine between us…all the signals were there." It can only be a 'Brief Encounter', however; this Trial Separation is due to end at midnight. Luke and his girlfriend should have been reunited by then. Nadia is in Farnborough, he tells Mark, filming an advert for Go Compare. And it is NOT her in the new McDonald's advert, but another woman with her face, hair and glasses221. She'll be here at about nine. Meanwhile the busker is only a few minutes away…

221 It's EERIE. It's also the 'Break the Habit of a Lunchtime' advert, if you want to look it up. In a montage of Britons grimly poking at their own meagre lunches, we get a few seconds of a grey- jumpered school teacher, alone in a classroom, struggling to open a bag of crisps. It really looks like, well, 'a Nadia Kamil type' is now a genuine casting agent phrase. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3nEszk_1Q4s

401 Hour #20, 6-7pm

18.41 I disappear to the toilets - Wee #5! Costume Change #2222! I'm basically Grace Jones! - and follow Giles back in to the theatre the SECRET way, without coming up the stairs, ending up on the right of the stage. With Luke happily telling me that I am not Grace Jones, regardless of my having donned a new outfit. I do not fulfil the necessary hula hoop criteria, or something. Probably just the grief talking.

@laurenlaverne Loved popping down to see the sterling work @watsoncomedian and @EmmaK67 & audience are doing at #25hours. Wish I could have helped more.

I guess adding a little change to the kitty so that @RufusHound has to smash some eggs with his penis will have to do. #25hours

18.44 Mark chats to the busker. His dad is here! He is the current Guinness World Record holder for Longest Marathon Busking at 26 hours, 4 minutes and 30.5 seconds! And, more importantly for me, I recognise James from the Long Show 'Blind Date' in 2009! As does Robert. We're twenty hours in but we can still place a face. Yay brain.

18.53 It is the moment of 'No Scrubs'. With the lyrics displayed on the backscreen, we sing a tribute to Zach Braff, and our failure to get him here in person. Tiernan leads the singing, aided by Mark. They are far louder than us. Not just because they are amplified. "There is a guy we think is fly / Though we also think he's a Doctor…"

222 Pink slip - clothing, not dismissal notice - and floaty Flower Fairy criss-cross dress, such as one would wear to a lovely picnic. Which is not an opportunity that presents itself, during the show.

402 Hour #20, 6-7pm

@adamhess1 We're all singing 'No Scrubs' now. #neverforget #25hours

18.55 "The pool table must nearly be here, Johnny," Marks tells the blagger. Heh.

18.57 By the power of Skype, we gain a John Bishop. He is on a writing retreat, somewhere, but other than that is still exactly the same, e.g. smiley, somewhat coarse, and delighted with the world in general. "It looks like a load of Ceefax people are havin' sex!" he tells us, his own particular way of bemoaning the blocky images that are coming his way. Mark moves nearer the computer screen, rather than just facing the projection of John. "Aah, there you are! Get your cock out!" Mark does no such thing, instead telling us John is "a very successful man now, but very simple tastes".

18.59 Watched over by the big grinning head of John Bishop, Tiernan takes up his Pie Arena position, with James the Busker armed and ready to fling.

403 Hour #20, 6-7pm

404 Hour #20, 6-7pm

Countdown Challenge, 6-7pm

Innis Round Time Selection Mark Deeks Score Best Max Carson SPUTUM STRUMA 351 6.01 pm RUSUMATZP TRUMPS 2415 – 2448 TRAMPS TRAMPS 2776 TRUMPS RUMPUS CLINE 352 6.05 pm NLCLEEINJ LINEN 2420 – 2453 LINEN LINEN 2781 NIECE WISDOM MOSAIC 353 6.07 pm SODICABMW MOSAIC 2426 – 2459 MIAOWS 2787 COMBIS MIAOWS CARIAD ACARID PUTRID 354 6.09 pm CRDTAIUPA carita (X) 2426 – 2464 CARAT 2793 DATURA CARDIA PATRIA 658 75 100 9 2 8 355 6.12 pm 658 2436 – 2474 658 2803 25 → 658 9 * 75 - (25 - 8) INDENTER INTENDER 356 6.17 pm RNDTEEENI INTERNED 2444 – 2482 INTENDER 2811 INTERNED INTERNEE MONGOLS 357 6.33 pm NOGEMOLWS WOOLMEN 2451 – 2489 MONGOLS 2818 WOOLMEN

358 6.35 pm LQNTAOEDL TALONED 2458 – 2496 TALONED TALONED 2825 BEGORRA 223 359 6.37 pm GAFEHOBRR FORAGER 2465 – 2503 FORAGER 2832 FORAGER FORBEAR 810 75 25 1 3 7 9 360 6.40 pm 810 2475 – 2513 810 2842 → 810 9 * (75 + 25 - 3 - 7) SURROGAT SURROGAT SURROGAT 361 6.44 pm RARUTEGSO 2493 – 2531 2860 E E E TEAPOTS 362 6.47 pm SVTYAEOTP TEAPOTS 2500 – 2538 TEAPOTS 224 2867 TEAPOYS MANDATE 363 6.51 pm NEMANADKT MANDATE 2507 – 2545 MANDATE 225 2874 ANDANTE

364 6.57 pm RRDLUOOLE DROLLER 2514 – 2545 ROLLED DROLLER 2881

223 'Begorra'. Interjection. Way for an Irish person to emphatically exclaim 'by God'; easy shorthand for non Irish to characterise Irish speech.

224 'Teapoys'. Noun. A small decorative three-legged table. With legs more sensibly laid out than on the Manx flag.

225 'Andante'. Adv; adj. In a moderately slow tempo (73-77 BPM) usually considered to be slower than allegretto (98–109 BPM) but faster than the stately adagio (55–65 BPM).

405 Hour #20, 6-7pm CLAIRE'S DATE #20 - GAVIN (7pm)

Karl Pilkington lookey-likey Gavin ("only prettier", his words not mine) was roped into being a date through a mutual friend on Twitter, and being a competitive sort, not only agreed to be a date, but also roped his mate Jonathan in to be date #23. Gavin is quite possibly one of the smiliest people I've ever met. He persuaded me to start drinking alcohol (a fateful error since undoing all of the training that 15 years worth of drinking with an ill-advised dry January), virtually demolished an entire pack of Werther's given to me by #16, and likened my dating marathon to the work of a prostitute. Only slightly less cash and sex in my version, honest. We covered public transport and snow (according to my notes, but I really can't remember!), 30 Rock and why he's like Manny from Modern Family. The highlight of the date (apart from my new-found love of booze) was him teaching me how to say 'Hi, my name is CTS, pleased to meet you' in sign language, and explaining how sign language is only just becoming not-racist. You'll just have to take my word for it that I can still remember how to say these things, at least I think I can, although they may have morphed into something unintentionally offensive over the course of a few days. I have a vague recollection of Gavin saying I had a 'mouth like a cat's bum', and after my parting words of 'I think i'm going to die of tired', it was the end of the date. But my resounding memory of Gavin was what a beamy bloke he was, and I respect anyone who tried to sabotage their mate's date by getting her drunk beforehand. Cheers! It was around now I had to do another update in the theatre, and I remembered I was missing the 25th and final date. When Mark and Emma Kennedy asked me who I'd like it to be, knowing full well they probably had the magical powers to conjure up pretty much any man I desired (with the exception of Zach Braff, who gig- goers will know would have been a minor miracle), I stood there in a semi-comatose state incapable of thinking of any possible man. With the benefit of my retrospectrometer, this was absolutely a wasted opportunity. Even now, having recouped all of my sleep, I still don't know who I would have chosen. Although everyone else I've spoken to since has a list at the ready...

406 Hour #21, 7-8pm Hour #21 7-8pm

19.00 James pies Tiernan, smack in the face, as we celebrate the passing of our twentieth hour. And John Bishop, on the screen, celebrates as a football would, by pulling his top up to cover his face, and flashing us both nipples and belly.

@EmmaK67 Five hours to go. I'm not lying. I am broken. Help me. Help me. Help me.

19.02 John gone, the show moves on. One audient shouts out to say an Ashley Taylor has just given £250 to Hound's Challenge webpage. A worry is voiced, as to whether Rufus will go through with it.

407 Hour #21, 7-8pm

This is not an option. "I pissed in a bucket so he would tie a mallet to his dick and break eggs," insists Emma. It is happening. "When Hound comes down here, we don't really give him a way out," says Mark, adding "and I nearly fell off the stage there." He steps back, wine in hand, and continues. "Even though a lot of you don't quite want it to happen. It's not about what we want now. It's about malaria."

19.04 There are now five hours to go. Zoë Fell walks past the front of the stage, reminding Mark of her existence, and that she needs to be awake for far longer than five more hours: once this is all over, she stays up through the night, gets an early morning train to Bath, and does a comedy workshop, getting back to Cheltenham mid-afternoon on Saturday. Which will be 53 hours. Plus "Corry's been working 37 hours straight, now. Not bad, is it?" "Certainly not wise," she tells him. And us. As though we were going to try it. No scrubs here226.

19.06 Wakefulness is going to be a part of Yianni's next mathematical project. He will pass his page around, and we are all urged to write down how many hours we will have been awake for, as of midnight. 27, for me; had I not got in a quick hour or so's nap on Thursday night, it would be more like 40.

226 Junior doctors in this country are supposed to work no more than 48 hours a week, but that is taken as an 'on average' guideline, and sometimes their 13-hour shifts are rolled together. Keywords 'delirious' and 'dangerous' have been used in reports, by those selfsame frazzled workers. Those who argue the pen is mightier than the sword fail to take into account how much more ruinous sleeplessness can be, than either item. I am very glad to be in charge of ink only, on a shift this long.

408 Hour #21, 7-8pm

19.08 Dec determines he wants to keep Emma Kennedy, in her tent, in a corner of his flat, for both entertainment and Getting Stuff Done purposes. I suggest he just needs a butler. He is very happy with this idea. I meanwhile just want Ben's flowers. Which would be an easier thing to arrange. (Well. Re-arrange.)

19.10 Tiernan puts in an earnest request for smaller pies, next time. His face has gone red. This could be a reaction to the cream, and it could be the scritchy disposable hand-towels that are being used to clean him up, between splattings. He needs some After Sun. Or the post-pie equivalent.

19.14 As Mark eats a sandwich, Tom Bell reports on the outside world. It's gone to hell in the last 20 hours. "It's martial law, really out there. It's a dangerous world." Mark reckons this sounds about right, then checks that Japan is now pronounced JAP-an. "That's right," Tom agrees, before checking "is that a reference I don't know from earlier?" Indeed. Mark apologises and explains, giving Tom the newsreader context for his remark. "It's the sort of thing you find quite funny if you're having an otherwise pretty boring conversation."

19.15 Tom once saw a car with a personalised numberplate KRIISH G. He thought it might belong to Krishnan Guru-Murthy. And is planning on asking, when the man arrives. Because he is DEFINITELY coming. Mark is so confident of that fact he is interviewed by Yianni, as though he is Krishnan Guru-Murthy. Or KGM, as the man has now been abbreviated. "Was that your first choice of numberplate?" Yianni checks with Krishnan/Mark. "No, it's a funny story!" replies the newsreader stand-in, and comprehensively fails to then say what that was. "That's a good story," I confirm, supportively.

409 Hour #21, 7-8pm

19.19 In accordance with the Comic Relief auction he won, 25 minutes of this show need to be about Ray. He has already had quite a bit of that already, just by being a noisier audience member than most. With his remaining time, Ray would like ten minutes in the tent with Emma. Emma, by contrast, just wants to feed Mark properly. Ideally with an oven-cooked meal she's able to prepare onstage. Lacking such equipment, however, it is but an idle fancy. Any hot food that comes Mark’s way today is going to be courtesy of a microwave, or local take-away, neither of which Kennedy has in her tent. Instead Emma quizzes Ray, lightly bouncing atop the conversation and leading it ever onwards like one of those jumping balls you get on karaoke lyrics. "So when did you become a man..?"

19.21 Yianni's pad of paper is passed our way, for our own personal hour tally to be added onto. As Ray tells the room he was a policeman for 17 years. Mark fills in some colour about this era, with a novelist's touch: "He said things like 'that confirms my suspicions' or 'that was quite a case'." Emma talks with some relish about a dinner she once had with a forensic scientist, who told her all sorts of things about crime scene details, from the patterns of blood spatter to the multiple decapitation where one head was only found when a dog caused a commotion out the back. And had to be chased down for the evidence it had located. "You are watching TERRIBLE CRIMES!" says Mark.

410 Hour #21, 7-8pm

Ray doesn't have that kind of story to tell us, or at least not that he wants to upset us with. Instead he tells us quite an involved tale about a foolish friend. I cannot do it justice here, as I have only written down the key points – essentially sub-editing several minutes of story into a few quick lines - and thus cannot give a true flavour of how the tale was told. In essence, Ray knew a copper who was sent to investigate an alarm wailing at a delicatessen called Mangetout. But got distracted on the way there, by another alarm - and thus suspected burglary - at another premises. Which he radio'd in. And called 'Mangy Tout'! (Like a shabby street-vendor of illicitly acquired tickets! Not as in the French for sugar peas AT ALL!) "You are watching twenty-five minutes of the show Ray bought on eBay!" calls Mark. …I miss the sitcom.

411 Hour #21, 7-8pm

@MrsEmilyWH Kit doing his bit to support his dad.

412 Hour #21, 7-8pm

19.25 Ray tells another story from his time on the force, in his own particular way, starting with the need to visit a burglary victim at school. "There was a child who owned his own home?" checks Emma, bewildered. No-no: his family's house had been burgled, but his stuff had been taken. It was found that all the burgled homes had pupils who went to this particular school. And the E-FIT face227 which was created from witness statements looked juuuust like that of a teacher from the school.

227 i.e. Electronic Facial Identification Technique. A variant of which can be seen on Key & Basden's advertising for their Freeze show. Though full colour images can now be created using the E-Fit technique. So the boys could have just had their pictures taken normally.

It is possible that pictures such as this, seen right, actually dissuaded potential attendees from within the forces. Particularly those who are scared of ballboys +/ the 70s.

413 Hour #21, 7-8pm

Not through the malicious mendaciousness of teenagers, it turns out, but because the burglar WAS a teacher from the school. Who was deliberately targeting the “spoilt rich kids”. Ray does not tell us he was really teaching them a lesson, because Ray is not one of the Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles, desperately striving to find a punning quip on which to end an episode of the cartoon, so as that clip of everyone standing around laughing near a yellow jumpsuited April O'Neil can be used again. Ray does tell us the man got two years in prison, because Ray is an ex-policeman, and their priorities are different to those of animated amphibians. (Pizza aside, most likely.)

19.29 Corry asks Ray what his most embarrassing moment is. "Standing up here's quite high," he says, before going on to tell us, in quite circumspect language, of finding a man who had wanked nearly to death.

19.33 Further Ray news: Ray has two kids, and is going to see his son's match on Sunday, news which the boy received by immediately crowing to his sister "ONE NIL!" as dad today missed her hockey game, and this is the kind of point-scoring that’s really important to siblings Ray is 44, and was born in St. Margarets Ray is currently winning on the eBay auction to go bowling with Mark and his friends, and - in a move that is somewhat beyond the now-broken Watson - has set a maximum bid of £370, so as it will automatically bid up on his behalf without him needing to check back in

19.36 Ray's Jonathan Ross TwitRelief story is interrupted - HULLO! - by the arrival of Rachel Riley, from off of 'Countdown'. Mark finds her Pierre's painting, and hands it over. She seems surprisingly alright with it. (For the best it's not life-sized, though.)

414 Hour #21, 7-8pm

19.38 Rachel has borrowed her mum's Prius to get here today, as she could bring something special with her. A life-sized 'Countdown' board, a prop she swiped from an advert she was involved in. "You've brought a life-sized 'Countdown' board?" checks Mark. "Why are we doing anything else?" Rachel busies off to get the board inside.

415 Hour #21, 7-8pm

19.40 Emily's tweeted a photo of Kit in a red nose, which is put up on the backscreen. Bless. "I was told yesterday you had a daughter, called Katy," Rob exclaims. "Half right," Mark tells him, inaccurately.

416 Hour #21, 7-8pm

19.42 Yianni faces up against Mark, in a maths-off. They have to do mental arithmetic, as we shout out the sums, e.g. 13 x 26, 64 x 11, or "six to the nearest billion!" Which Yianni gets in quickest to answer: it's "zero!"

19.44 Mel reminds Mark we have not yet had another clip of the sitcom. I hiss at Mel, wondering “how is that helping?”; I don’t even slightly need the toilet now228. Claire Travers-Smith takes to the stage. She has just had date #20. Most have been fine. One was weird, in that he bought her a Chinese cat. One of the ones with the stiff wavey arms. Yes yes, we all know what you mean. And pretty much all of us, pretty much as one, bend our right arm at the elbow, make a fist, and wave like we're a Chinese cat229. Row upon row wave back at Claire and Mark, like enchanted dolls in a Chinatown shop window.

228 The one thing I learnt from Barry Norman’s film review show is that you need to watch something all the way through in order to truly be able to appraise its quality. Otherwise a PR could tell you that a movie gets so much better, right after the point you left, and you would only be able to argue through conjecture, not fact. Now. I am not Barry Norman. It’s one of the main reasons I was able to walk out of a screening of the excrable ‘I Love You Phillip Morris’, that pompous dance theatre piece based on Scottish cannibal Sawney Bean, and lolloping Larmer Tree headliner Russell Kane*. And thus got to, in order, go see punk cabaret queen Amanda Palmer, sneak in to see sketch geezers Bob & Jim, and head to bed in a field, all of which were far far better options than I had previously been landed with. Were I Barry Norman, or a reviewer of his ilk, I would feel guilty to read Jennifer Saunder’s praise of the sitcom (“I am in love with tight lady. Really funny”); conscience-pricked; maybe even kicking self for missing out. But then, were I Barry Norman, I would have had to watch Jim Carrey gurning and shrieking – you know, like the gays do – through that entire movie, just to have my first impressions confirmed. Doing alright as I am.

* I lasted as long as I could, she wails, having learnt that you can stave off an inevitable push-to-breaking- point by watching through a stills camera: I got some excellent photos, for at least his constant prancing and wriggling has a use there.

229 This was one of my favourite bits of the whole show. A spontaneous unbidden mass impersonation of a Chinese cat idol. Yes yes yes.

417 Hour #21, 7-8pm

Swarm intelligence now kicking in, it seems. Or just general insanity: some time later, Mel and I get stuck on saying the word ‘EGG’ at each other, over and over again, which is also extremely satisfying, but mayhap suggests a deeper madness.

19.46 Marco and another man bring in the life-sized 'Countdown' board, as Claire updates us a little more. She has learnt to say her name in sign language. And needs to find one more date, to make 25. She will go into Emma's tent to chat, and sort this out. Ray offers himself as a potential date, despite the fact that his girlfriend is here. "A whole bag of shush from you, thankyou!" Emma tells him. To some applause. And Dec happily deciding he wants an Emma Kennedy living in his fridge. WE ARE ALL VERY TIRED NOW.

19.48 Zahid has his photo taken with Rachel Riley230. Possibly a still greater hug than the hour-long one he enjoyed with Mark, there.

230 A picture that garners around 1,200 Flickr views in about four days, a couple of weeks later, when Rachel's VERY ENTHUSIASTIC online message board forum fans discover it. Please note, 'very enthusiastic' in this instance means 'devoted', 'keenly appreciative' and 'interested in seeing her covered in egg'. All were agreed Zahid was a very very very very very very very very very very very very lucky man.

418 Hour #21, 7-8pm

by Pei Yen (oxymoronish.tumblr.com)

419 Hour #21, 7-8pm

19.49 Emma wants to know who Claire fancies, and she will try to make that date happen. Be it that kind of person, or that specific person themselves. Who does SHE like? Faced with the enormity of this question - there are BILLIONS of menfolk out there - and hindered by lack of sleep, Claire cannot think of anything other than a Minchin sort of a fellow. Funny with long hair. But Tim is on the wrong continent; Josh Widdicombe, if you're settling for shorter hair, has a girlfriend. Luke she's already dated. Were this some years ago, Emma could easily have solved this, and offers some consoling words, involving a very close friend, that could be seen as besmirching a man's reputation if you didn't know either of them. "Richard Herring, if he hadn't got married, he would have come down here and DONE you. Every which way. Up the nose, up the wrong un."231

19.56 After some deliberation, Emma decides that the red-clad and recently unemployed Ben - or was it Dan? definitely has lots of hair! - shall be Claire's next date.

231 Once, in Edinburgh - in the pre Catie Wilkins days - I found self being perved on by John Leslie. While he was with his girlfriend. Who he tried to keep on the floor, looking for the dropped item I had just returned to him, by nudging her head down with his bum, sort of playfully concussing her against the bar. I went to hide behind Richard Herring. That is the punchline, using Rich as a cock-block device. RICHARD HERRING.

420 Hour #21, 7-8pm

19.59 The 'Countdown' music plays, Tiernan dances, and Rachel brings the pie ever closer to the top of his head. A location of some strategising; his skin could do with a rest, at least for an hour. And Emma promises happily she will kick Rachel in the cunt if she hurts him.

421 Hour #21, 7-8pm

Countdown Challenge, 7-8pm

Innis Round Time Selection Mark Deeks Score Best Max Carson 595 100 25 75 7 3 365 7.02 pm 596 2521 – 2552 594 2891 1 → 595 (25 * 75 - (100 - 7)) / 3 + 1 366 7.04 pm CRDTEAUPB CAPTURED 2529 – 2560 CAPTURED CAPTURED 2899 367 7.06 pm CADUMUFVG VACUUM 2535 – 2566 VACUUM VACUUM 2905 CLOWN NONCE 368 7.08 pm LWNCEOEJN JEWEL 2540 – 2571 CLOWN JEWEL 2910 CLONE NEWEL MYOPES OSTOMY 369 7.13 pm SOMETOYPO STOMPY 2546 – 2577 OSTOMY POTOOS 2916 STOMPY TEMPOS 75 25 9 6 2 8 179 370 7.16 pm 179 2556 – 2587 179 2926 → 179 9 * (25 - 6) + 8 TOLERATE 371 7.18 pm TETEROLLA TOLERATE 2564 – 2595 TOLERATE 2934 ALLOTTEE 372 7.20 pm PTKAEIDNE PAINTED 2571 – 2602 PAINTED PAINTED 2941 SIDEMAN MEDINAS 373 7.24 pm MANIDESXZ MAIDENS 2578 – 2609 MAIDENS ADMIXES 2948 MAIDENS MEDIANS 374 7.26 pm NNRSEEINO SINNER 2584 – 2615 SENIOR NERINES 2955 898 50 75 25 3 3 7 375 7.29 pm 899 2591 – 2622 897 2965 → 898 3 * (7 - 3) * 75 - 50 / 25 FOAMED MOATED 376 7.45 pm BMGTAOEDF FOAMED 2597 – 2628 BOATED DOTAGE 2971 BODEGA BOATED 377 7.47 pm HINETEQWS WHITENS 2604 – 2635 WHITENS WHITENS 2978 ARRIS IORAS ARVOS 378 7.49 pm RSVROIIAR ROARS 2609 – 2640 ROARS 2983 ROARS VISOR PASTIEST ATHEISTS 379 7.51 pm PITASETSH PASTIEST 2617 – 2648 PASTIEST 2991 STAITHES HASTIEST 468 50 25 1 1 10 8 380 7.54 pm 468 2627 – 2658 468 3001 → 468 (10 + 8) * (25 + 1) SAGARS 381 7.56 pm SOFAROSGA AGORAS 2633 – 2664 AGORAS 3007 AGORAS

422 Hour #21, 7-8pm CLAIRE'S DATE #21 - WOODY (8pm)

Poor Woody.

Poor poor beardy hairy Woody.

As date #21, he was onto a losing streak already, for which I can only posthumously apologise.

By this point I was not only beside myself with tiredness, but to add insult to injury was now on my way to getting hammered, having eaten nothing but a cupcake, a croissant, a couple of bananas and a handful of chocolates in over 24 hours. To add to my sugar-overdose, Woody kindly furnished me with a Kinder Egg, and watched with astonishment at the way that assembling a car made from 3 parts baffled my teeny tiny overtired brain.

I can only recall snippets of conversation, which included drunken eBay, darts, taxidermied squirrels, the blue rabbit sponge my little sister put up her nose aged 4, beards, balloons, and his ridiculously over-sized hands.

The highlight of the date, however, were Woody's card tricks. Even through my mind-fug, I could tell he was a shit hot close up magician, and he broke my brain with a number of different card tricks. And these were properly tricky sleight of hand jobs, and I was genuinely very impressed. Soon, the big hand went past the little hand, and it was time for the date to end. But Woody had been a genuinely awesome sport, and I could have happily watched a lot more of his card tricks had I had some matchsticks to prop my eyelids open.

423 Hour #22, 8-9pm Hour #22 8-9pm

20.00 Rachel slowly lowers the pie plate onto Tiernan's bowed head. Keeping self unkicked, for this hour. Hair piled high with cream, in his wolf onesie, and his goggles, Tiernan looks rather like a small child who has been left to their own bath-time devices. Apart from the beard. And the bottle he is holding.

20.02 Rachel Riley is to face Yianni Agisilaou in a maths competition. Which will be such a sight to see that Brett Vincent organises a whip-round for Comic Relief, to incentivise those onstage, starting the pint-pot proceeds with a tenner of his own money. "One of the few non-cunts in the comedy world," is how Mark summarises the Manager, Promoter and Agent.

20.06 With a full pint glass of money - Emma offers to count it up - the Maths Off can proceed. Mark asks what 3 x 4 is. "Twelve," Rachel tells him. Correct! "She FELT the maths," commentates Mark; "maths to her is like a colour!"

424 Hour #22, 8-9pm

20.07 The next question is on how much is in the collection cup. "It's not really fair, I do the Free Fringe," demurs Yianni. Point. Such acts are paid by audience's generosity, at the end of a show232. Though there do seem to be quite a few notes in that see-through pint-glass, which a snarky individual might wonder if a Free Fringe act is used to. Rachel guesses £300; Yianni guesses £300.01. Staking a little bit of his reputation in there too.

232 And the patter that goes with is always worth paying attention to, for the ways in which cash can be well- wheedled out of a room. I'm ever fond of [former street-performer] Stu Goldsmith's urge to "take your money out, fold it up…" as it seeds the notion that it should be a banknote, thus at least a fiver, and so someone giving only ('only') £3 or so can feel a twinge of guilt for it. Rather than, if asked to “chuck in anything you can spare, even coppers”, you would just end up with a bucket full of change, and anyone giving even £1 or £2 would feel generous for it. TapeFace's Sam Wills has been known, when doing street shows, to go one step beyond, and repeatedly use the word "five" throughout, effectively conditioning his audience to give a minimum banknote donation through repetition. The Derren Brown-ish mind-whizz.

425 Hour #22, 8-9pm

20.09 For their last task, Yianni and Rachel are asked to add together the number of hours that people have been awake, from Yianni's big flipchart. But first, the result will be calculated by Tom Bell.

20.11 Mark is presented with hot food. "I've got lasagne! Let's do maths and eat lasagne, fuckers!"

@25HourChihuahua About to try some deleted scenes. Expecting a high standard. @watsoncomedian #25hours

426 Hour #22, 8-9pm

20.12 The auction to go bowling has just been won. By… "some bugger!" announces Ray, carrying on to grumble that he was nearly outbid at the last minute. For Ray has won. But in what must have been a nail-biting final few minutes, three other rival bidders swooped in, and pushed the price up over £400 by bidding against him. The final figure is £435.05 for Comic Relief. "I think we'll earn it," says Mark, sitting somewhat crumpled on the floor with his microwaved dinner. "BOWLING!" he calls. "It's all worth it, for buying the goats."233

20.13 Ray says he was divorced seven years ago, and is happily solvent now. "Built yourself back up," says Mark, "now spending it on auctions…"

@NadiaKamil On my way to the #25hours show to see if @jlukeroberts did sex with @joelycett during sponsored #trialseparation

20.16 Krishnan Guru-Murthy is here! Hullo Krishnan Guru-Murthy!

20.17 "He's brought the news!" calls Mark, still sitting on the floor, eating his dinner. As you likely would, while Krishnan Guru-Murthy told you what had happened in the day. He will read us the headlines, if we will "do a line", of the Channel4 news music. "He doesn't mean 'do a line'," clarifies Mark; he's not Bob Geldof. "That's BEFORE we go on air," grins Krishnan. Before clarifying: "Jon Snow does NOT do drugs. Any more." "Despite his name," murmur various wags in the room, myself included234.

@TiernanDouieb Hooray! @krishgm is at #25Hours with the news!

20:18 "You do the music," Krishnan tells us, before singing his own lyrics to the theme tune. "Channel4 Neeeeews! [upward inflection] Here's the neeeewws! [downward inflection] Here's the neeeews! It's the neeews! Channel4 News!" Then telling us we can cheer if we like the news he reads us. Emma brings a mike to Mark, kneeling up to grin over what just happened. "Most of us are delighted to find out that Krishnan hears the theme tune and pretends the lyrics are 'Here's the neeews! It's the neeews!' We all do that. But you don't think the actual guys on the news do that."

233 Among many other non-goat things, the money will go towards initiatives in the UK and Africa that combat child trafficking and support young people who are being sexually exploited.

234 Telling on my ingratiating myself, there. Like an INFORMER. A licky-bum-bum down.

427 Hour #22, 8-9pm

20.19 Emma counts Krishnan in, as the PA would on the actual show. And then on he goes! "’A Lib Dem victory and second place for UKIP at Eastleigh leaves Conservatives divided on which way to turn now!’” He cues us in, and there are some boos over the election result, as others dutifully sing as requested. Mark adding the words "we've got Krishnaaaaan!" to the end of his particular rendition.

428 Hour #22, 8-9pm

20.20 "'Also tonight: why is the pound falling sharply against the dollar?' A lot of things happened while you've been locked inside here. 'And why are the latest manufacturing figures so bad?'" "Why isn't anyone making stuff?" repeats Mark, like one of those hype-men you get in rap, or a little brother keen to add their own "yeah!" to a parent's admonishments to an older sibling. "We'll be telling you," continues Krishnan. "And also tonight, what you missed: from YouTube fun to the dance of protest, why the Harlem Shake" - WOOO! - "is being seen on the streets of Tunisia." As unlikely, that, as US basketball star Dennis Rodman going to visit Kim Jong Un. And yet.

20.22 Having finished with the script, which he fished out of the BIN for us, Krishnan Guru-Murthy offers it up to be auctioned. It gets to £30 quite quickly, Mark calling "this is for malaria!" to jolly us along. Ray bids £31; Mark counters with £32, intoning "your move, Raymondo". It goes up to £33, but Krishnan is holding no truck with these one pound bids, and it soon bounces up, from £35 to £40, £50 and then £60. "Is it worth more if Emma Kennedy wees on it?" Krishnan wonders, looking down at the sheaf of paper in his left hand." Emma gamely grabs it off him and wipes it on her onesie’s inside leg, before returning it to the slightly horrified newsreader. "That is NASTY!" he calls. "You ain't seen nothin' yet, mate," promises Mark.

@adamhess1 Krishnan Guru Murphy has turned up and is trying to auction his script from this evening's news. People are actually bidding. What? #25hours

20.23 Ray bids £100, if they all sign it. Krishnan is game. Ray is the winner! Again! Yes!

429 Hour #22, 8-9pm

20.24 Tom Bell checks. The KRIISH G numberplate he saw was not for this man's car.

20.25 Krishnan, his work here done, leaves the stage. Having counted up the pot of money, Emma hands it over to a Comic Relief representative for safe-keeping.

20.26 Rachel confesses to having also stolen some tiles, from another advert shoot. This is kind of like confessional therapy for her now.

430 Hour #22, 8-9pm

20.27 We are going to get back to the maths now. Yianni's 22nd hour of puzzles, this. "He's already been doing maths for longer than some fruit flies live," says Mark235.

20.28 Mark praises Yianni's multi-coloured shoes. Designed by Holli, he is quick to note, passing the praise forward.

20.29 Mark is very happy with his food. "So this is what I'm talking about; there's a bit of cheese on it, but it's a binding agent!" As he eats, Yianni and Rachel will do maths.

20.30 As the 'Countdown' theme is picked out on the keyboard, Bennetto holds the mike up to Mark's face so he can commentate, while holding a fork. "Yianni looks at the paper. Rachel looks at the paper. Mark eats lasagne; is happy."

20.31 Yianni and Rachel bend over the pad, counting up the hour totals as they go, Rachel running her hand across one line of numbers in a way that is surely a hindrance to Yianni's reading of them. "Yianni looks at the paper. Rachel touches the paper. The paper. The policeman paid £100 for some paper."

235 Accurately, if they were drowned in a fly pub (e.g. vinegar and washing up liquid, or fruit juice and sugar). Inaccurately, otherwise: fruit flies live for eight or nine days, if left unattended. And apparently they sneak in through cracks and gaps to get to fruit, or smuggle selves into your home on the stuff itself; they do not spontaneously come into existence wherever you have an over-ripe banana. That’s not how this universe works.

431 Hour #22, 8-9pm

by Pei Yen (oxymoronish.tumblr.com)

432 Hour #22, 8-9pm

20.33 The three minutes is up. Tom Bell DIVES for the pad of paper, so the pair cannot see the answer which he had written underneath the tally page. "And remember, the winner gets everything we've raised so far!" calls Mark.

20.34 Neither Yianni nor Rachel's totals are close to each other. "The answers are totally different!" calls Mark. "Maths is BULLSHIT!" Robert too, has an answer nowhere near theirs, he going with 4651 hours. I was in no way doing my own addition during that short interval; I have neither the eyesight nor wherewithal to manage it.

433 Hour #22, 8-9pm

20.36 "The answers diverge by a COLOSSAL amount!" calls Mark. Tom Bell has the answer. Or what he hopes is the answer. "I added it up twice," he tells us. "I lost my way a few times, it was quite exciting. The news happened while I was doing it." Tom got a total of 4669.5 hours. Rachel crows, waving her answer sheet in Yianni's face; though she was out by a thousand or so, she is still closest. (Of those onstage, at least.) "We've all had a lovely time!" calls Mark.

20.37 The collection pot totalled £225, which means Rachel was the closest there too. A resounding Riley success today!

20.38 Ray returns to the stage to, as my notes now inform me, "talk balls about Twitter or something". Possibly it was his suggestion to have people bid to be his plus one for the bowling. During which event, Mark says, "I'll mostly be talking to Key". Oh, Ray. His heart's in the right place. But he has had his 25 minutes now. Literally and metaphorically. "That passed me by a bit," Mark confesses, "I was eating lasagne and thinking about my life."

434 Hour #22, 8-9pm

20.40 Hills has let us know he will be bringing Josh Widdicombe and , after the TV show recording. Possibly Ross as well. Adam is very much one of those people that others will follow236.

20.41 Tiernan asks how Mark's lasagne was. Barney slaps his [own] legs [obviously] to simulate the sound of horses galloping, slyly suggesting his meal contained 'horse DNA' as so many foods have been found to in the last few weeks.

@MrsEmilyWH Dearest old @watsoncomedian is completing his 25 hour marathon comic relief show. Text mark to 70005 to donate and make it all worthwhile.

236 In 2009, Gareth Branwyn wrote an excellent piece on the concept of ‘hilaritas’, for [group blog and cool- stuff aggregator] BoingBoing.net, which seems super-apposite here, for both Hills and the show in general:

I've written about ‘hilaritas’ elsewhere, but I thought I'd bring it up here for the benefit of Boing Boing readers who may not be familiar with the concept. I was introduced to the term via the work of Robert Anton Wilson. The more common ‘hilarity ‘springs from the same root. Hilaritas was a Roman goddess of rejoicing and good humor. She appeared on Roman coins from from the time of Hadrian until the late 3rd century AD. Hilaritas was a Roman public virtue, something that people were supposed to strive to exhibit and inspire others with. Wilson was keen on this word as he thought it perfectly expressed a rare quality of being that revealed a special kind of person. He defined hilaritas as “profoundly good natured” and made clear that, for him, it was more than just being happy or having a good sense of humor. I've also seen it defined as “being of pleasant spirits.” There's a kind of cosmic it-factor involved. People possessed of hilaritas are people you're drawn to because they have something indefinable that you want, a kind of playful knowing about the world. They seem to be having just a bit more fun on the slip'n slide flow of the Tao than the rest of us. Santa Claus has hilaritas. Bugs Bunny... My life has been a quest to surround myself with as much hilaritas as possible. It's ultimately hard to define, but (as they say) like pornography, you know it when you see it.

435 Hour #22, 8-9pm

20.43 Mark Deeks and Innis Carson come up on the stage, to play 'Countdown' with the actual board, and an actual audience. They have done 392 rounds so far, reports Deeks. There are 18 points between them. And they have raised over £2,100 so far!

20.44 I have a lovely dance to the 'Countdown' theme tune.

20.45 Rachel puts the letters up on the board, as Innis directs. "It's like the telly!" beams Mark. A G and an N are up first. "It could be 'grain'" calls Mark, commentating from the floor. Innis asks for a vowel, and an A is added to the line-up. "It could be 'grain'!" repeats Mark. "I'm more used to this," Rachel tells him, "so I'm looking for 'vagina'." Innis asks for another vowel. An E is produced. "Oh, our 'vagina' dreams are over, "calls Mark, adding the caveat "for now". An H, K and I are added to the board. "We're on for 'wanking'!" beams Rachel. Innis amenably asks for a consonant but it's a D that comes out of the pile. "Arrrrrrrrr, 'DANKING'!" grumbles Mark, happily.

436 Hour #22, 8-9pm

20.46 The board is showing GNAEHKIDG. The music plays, as the pair make their mental anagrams.

20.47 The best possible words from that group are 'hedging', 'heading' or 'kedging' (to move a light vessel using an anchor). Both have the seven-letter 'heading'. Still so very evenly matched.

20.49 Mark Deeks takes up his position, by the tent, and stands ready to pick his letters.

20.50 With an M and an I on the board already, "we're on for 'minge', as Rachel does beam.

@krishgm Just popped in to read the news to @watsoncomedian and @emmak67 for #25hours and all those lovely people in the audience. Great atmosphere

20.51 Mark Deeks' letters so far are MITUYHI and Y. "Terrible picking," notes Rachel. "It is terrible picking," agrees Mark, "but you're forgiven". He asks for another consonant. Thus does he gain a J as well. The audience "aaaw". "Have you ever seen anything so EVIL!?" demands Mark, sitting up on his knees to interrogate us so. "That's pure evil!

20.52 The music plays, as the pair gaze at the unhelpful letters, Deeks nipping across the stage to talk to a friend - Zarte? - as it gets to the end of the 30 seconds, and the theme music. Which we collectively mark with a 'woo'. "And that 'woo' accompanied by a party-popper," notes Watson, "it's starting to look like we need to be the audience in 'Countdown' normally."

20.53 From MITUYHIYJ, only five-letter words seem possible, such as 'mythy' (somewhat mythical) or 'thymi' (a small glandular organ situated behind the top of the breastbone). Mark Deeks admits he "cheated for a four", getting the suggestion of 'myth'; Innis also has 'myth'. "When you look at the calibre of these players that shows you what a hunch of absolute little Stalins these letters were."

437 Hour #22, 8-9pm

20.54 The game over, Emma Kennedy has SCANDALOUS news. A journalist offered to bring Braff here, but he declined, saying he was too busy. Yet he has just been spotted eating fish and chips! "He's dead to me!" she declares. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, and all that. Tiernan suggests we change his Wikipedia status to report his death.

20.55 "If you've just tuned in," recaps Mark, "Zach Braff has died." Richard Curtis will not like this, Mark realises. "Died of malaria!" offers a heckler. Curtis is likely to like that even less.

@EmmaK67 Oh no. Zach Braff has died from fish poisoning. RIP #25hours

20.56 Am offered a Fruit Winder, from the chap on my left. Somewhat discomfiting, it's one long red stripe of gelatinous stickiness. Though I teach kids of a weekend, it's the first such sweet I've seen, which reflects well on myself as well as the more refined palates of my pupils (who prefer a nice M&S sandwich, or similar237). It looks like a tongue! Dec hur-hurrs over how popular such a muscular organ would make one, with girls. Tsk. I wasn't thinking about pleasuring girls, I was thinking about frogs! As I admonish. "The title of your autobiography," he tells me238.

237 ‘Or similar’ here encompasses ‘beetroot and pomegranate salad’, btw.

238 And a couple of weeks later, standing in the low-roofed curve of a tube carriage by the doors, so his head is pressed up against the ceiling, determines to name his own tome 'The Atlas Of The Northern Line'. Fine. Just as long as it doesn't make folk think he was a one for carrying the trains on his back. Heavens!

438 Hour #22, 8-9pm

20.58 Mark stands up - that was his first onstage sit-down in TWENTY-ONE HOURS - as Rachel models the Emma Bridgwater Comic Relief apron she swiped. Behind them both, Tiernan's face is being swaddled in toilet roll, to protect him from the creamy elements soon to be visited upon him. The apron will be auctioned off, along with a letter W Countdown tile that light-fingered Rachel has also made off with. A familiar voice bellows a price for it. "Key strides back in, bids 50 quid for this tile." Heh, Key. "Oh, mate, I've got some news about my bowling evening."

439 Hour #22, 8-9pm

20.59 Tiernan gains the further protection of the Emma Bridgwater apron, alongside his mummy-wrapped head and goggles ensemble.

440 Hour #22, 8-9pm

Countdown Challenge, 8-9pm

Innis Round Time Selection Mark Deeks Score Best Max Carson FRIG GIRO 382 8.00 pm RHFGIIOQZ FROG 2637 – 2668 FROG GORI ZORI 3011 FROG FIQH

383 8.02 pm REMEVAREO OVERARM 2644 – 2675 OVERARM EVERMORE 3019

NOBBLER 384 8.07 pm RBRNEUOLB RUBBER 2650 – 2681 BURNER 3026 BURBLER 864 75 100 25 10 385 8.09 pm 864 2660 – 2691 864 3036 7 7 → 864 10 * 75 + 100 + 7 + 7 ASSETS STEADS TASSES WASTED SASSED TOSSES 386 8.11 pm SDTSEAOSW SWEATS 2666 – 2697 ASSETS TOSSED 3042 SWEATS DOWSES DOSSES WASTES TAWSES239 STOWED OUTHIT 387 8.13 pm HUTITONJC OUTHIT 2672 – 2697 TOUCH 240 3048 CHITON

388 8.15 pm CTRTAOILU TUTORIAL 2680 – 2705 TUTORIAL TUTORIAL 3056

TOUSLED NODULES LOUDEST 389 8.17 pm SENOKULTD NODULES 2687 – 2712 LOUDEST STONKED241 3063 LOUDENS KNOUTED SNOUTED 100 25 4 10 7 672 390 8.19 pm 672 2697 – 2722 672 3073 7 → 672 7 * (100 - 4) PRESAGE 391 8.21 pm NEGAXEPSR ENRAGES 2704 – 2729 EXPANSE EXPANSE 3080 ENRAGES TRISMUS RUDISTS242 392 8.23 pm MDSRIUUST RUDISTS 2711 – 2729 triduums (X) TRIDUUM 3087 TRUISMS SISTRUM

239 'Tawses'. Noun. A thick leather strap, with tails, once used to hit schoolchildren in Scotland.

240 'Chiton'. Noun. Rock-dwelling marine mollusc; loose-fitting unisex Ancient Greek tunic.

241 'Stonked'. Verb. To bombard with artillery, or have danced to Hale & Pace's 1991 Comic Relief single.

242 'Rudists'. Noun. Group of now-extinct marine bivalves that arose during the Jurassic era and would have made for a much more EVIL CLAM thrust to Michael Crichton's Park book and subsequent fillums.

441 Hour #22, 8-9pm CLAIRE'S DATE #22 - KEIR (9pm)

If you didn't feel sorry enough for Woody, then please spare a thought for poor Keir. Keir had travelled all the way from Bristol to spend an hour with someone who was scarcely held together by vodka and chocolate, and he turned up like a little whirling dervish of mirth. When he turned up, I was due an update in the theatre, so I dragged the poor bugger into the auditorium to introduce him to the audience. But there was a seriously competetive Countdown game afoot at the time, and without wanting to interrupt or spend the entire date on the sidelines, I dragged him back to the bar again. Although I'd not met him before, I felt like I'd known Keir for a while, as he was originally one of the short-listed candidates to be Mr #52, although he was pipped to the post by a Dane. Keir came fully equipped for the date, and brought with him a bumper bag of miscellaneous Lego to keep me amused. One of his fortes, I've seen over Twitter, is his ability to build forts when he's bored at work. Bearing in mind we were in a theatre bar, full-size fort architecture wasn't an option, so he'd opted for a small Lego version. As we sat drinking the tinned vodkas he'd brought along, we tried to combine forces and build something. However his mis-matching selection of plastic bricks led to a number of artistic differences, and we were forced to concede a number of redesigns en route. It was Keir's decision, for example, to put a death-trap propellor rich underneath the diving board, but his excuse was he liked to live on the edge.

In an effort to prove the structural integrity of said edifice, the following conversation occurred: Keir: 'There you go, you can stand on that!' Me: 'No you can't' Keir: 'Yes you can...' It then broke. And I was smug.

Aside from the Lego-architecture, we spoke about a myriad of weird things: why his father was responsible for making Bridgewater smell, bacon jam (oh yes, such a thing does exist folks...), Keir's uncanny impression of Vicky Pollard and why he thinks all children are bastards. The highlight for me, however, came when he offered me the first Fruit Pastille, a red one. Everyone loves the red ones don't they? And the black ones. It soon turned out, the entire pack was either red or black. He'd bought a number of packets, and sat on the train on the way over rigging this one pack to be only the best ones. I know there's a pun coming a mile off, but I can't think of anyway to say it: this was genuinely one of the sweetest things anyone has ever done. Through my drunken knackered haze I was still blown away. That was amazing. Soon enough, date #23 had turned up and it was time to say goodbye, and send Keir back to the West Country.

442 Hour #23, 9-10pm Hour #23 9-10pm

21.00 Tiernan gets pie'd smack on the top of his head. The apron remains pristine, and eminently auction-able.

443 Hour #23, 9-10pm

21.02 The first of the hour's auctions is for a Countdown tile, a letter W that Rachel has nicked at some point in her klepto past. Tim Key follows up his bid of £50 with another of £60, seemingly not quite understanding how auctions actually work +/ displaying the masterful comedic abilities that won him the Perrier243.

21.03 "Going once," calls Mark. "Going twice…" "SEVENTY!" calls Tim. To much laughter. "And Key has the leaderboard now: one two and three positions in the auction. And it looks to be an impregnable position, really. Unless the rozzer REALLY starts to motor." Though Tim does at this stage check the letter - W, more for Watson or Wakely than he - he is happy to go through with it. "Sold, to Timothy David Key!"

21.04 The next auction is for the Emma Bridgwater apron and mug, a perfect Mother's Day gift for one whose mum likes gifts with a backstory, that will keep them both clean of floury coatings and allow them to consume hot beverages far better than a cupped hand will. Anthony of the Pleasance bids £75 for the both, so as Ray doesn't have to pay by card. Sold!

243 Or whatever it was called the year he won. Amazing work, fizzy water people; you may no longer sponsor the award itself, but your name is forever attached to it. In your face, the Labatt's Apollo* of Hammersmith, your sponsorship deal lives on only in an Eddie Izzard live recording!

* 'So, the Sun God! We're thinking maybe stop with the attempted rape of nymphs and dryads, update that lyre with a new Fender Strat, and just amp up how after a long day healing all ills you really appreciate the brewing excellence that goes into our cool refreshing beer…'

444 Hour #23, 9-10pm

by Pei Yen (oxymoronish.tumblr.com)

445 Hour #23, 9-10pm

21.06 "Ray's come up with an interesting method of raising money," says Emma. He is fishing for more Twitter friends, and proposes bartering for internet friendship pledging to give a pound to Comic Relief for each new follower he gains. We are thus urged to follow @RayRobLain, aka 'The Great Raymondo'.

21.08 Misha, still knitting, is stuck on £100 worth of sponsorship. Mark pledges to give her £20, as does Giles. Making those swollen hands that little bit more worth it.

21.09 Robert wants a go in the StoryBox5000. It has not had much custom in the last day. Robert is a good Robert.

21.11 Emma reports that someone has tweeted the 'No Scrubs' lyrics at Zach Braff. But he'll never see it. On account of now being dead.

21.13 Sarah asks for more story-goers, again stressing that the StoryBox5000 is not a kissing booth, but rather a romantically lit small enclosed space. "But then the mural was never meant to be a urinal," counters Mark, increasingly certain that whatever will be will be. 'Kay, Sarah?

21.14 Bennetto reports that "Emma Kennedy's in the StoryBox!" Using it for its original purpose, we are left to presume. Certainly the contraption does not start rocking as her tent did, earlier. Though I believe Robert did pay with a note, in confidence of such golds turning it into a Kissing Booth…

@sarahbennetto #StoryBox5000 went from no bookings to a bloody queue! @EmmaK67's currently telling a tale for @Weaselspoon. #25hours

21.15 Holli's wallet has gone missing, possibly from the earlier burrito-acquisition jaunt. This is explained to us in maths, Yianni's default method of communication now. The pair are going to go and get it, from the police, where it has been handed in. They will be back!

446 Hour #23, 9-10pm

447 Hour #23, 9-10pm

21.17 Another extract of the improvised sitcom is played out for us, on the backscreen. I sneak off for Wee #6. Taking my opportunities where I can get 'em; happy to hold it in, hereafter, as we get ever closer to the endpoint and the show gets ever more unmissable.

21.24 Technology blesses us with a live-feed of Channel4, on the backscreen.

21.27 Nadia is here, mere feet away from her estranged gentleman partner, Luke sitting on the end of our row as she stands in the wings, draped with a Tom Bell arm. Barney, coming back to sit down himself, briefly stands between the two of them, a human shield to possible recriminatory glances.

@tombellforever Awkward. Both @NadiaKamil and @jlukeroberts the trial separation couple are now at Mark Watson's #25hours show

@JamesLowey @tombellforever @NadiaKamil @jlukeroberts I saw you with your arm around Nadia, you're hardly impartial in this!!

@NadiaKamil @JamesLowey @tombellforever @jlukeroberts he's just COMFORTING me.

@JamesLowey @NadiaKamil @tombellforever @jlukeroberts Sorry for making assumptions but I'm sick of hearing everyone badmouthing Luke!

@jlukeroberts @JamesLowey @nadiakamil @tombellforever Wow. Just... wow.

21.28 Jack wanders past the stage, with Holly now limpeting to him, face-to-face. Mark snares the couple in a hug as they pass him.

448 Hour #23, 9-10pm

21.30 The live-feed of Channel4 isn't working entirely as we would hope it to be.

@adamhess1 Just nodded off on the shitter. Woke up on the floor. Covered. #25hours

21.32 The TV signal comes through again, and we get to watch an advert for Ch4's forthcoming programming. Or, as Mark puts it, "a trailer for 'Superscrimpers', a show which doesn't matter"244.

21.33 We watch the start of 'The Last Leg', just about live as it goes out to the nation. It is one of those experiences that is at once disconcerting and absolutely right and proper, a doublethink dollop of input that sees folk who were, up until fairly recently, physically present in this room now magically flattened and trapped in a 2D rectangle.

21.36 If Hills looks tired, he tells the viewers, it's because he's been a part of Mark Watson's 25 Hour Show for Comic Relief, catching them up on Bob Geldof's phone call and Zach Braff's video message - "he's DEAD!" calls Mark, venomously - and introducing two people from the show in his audience. It's Charley's birthday, Adam says, and she has always wanted to be in the audience of a live TV show. "Amazing ambition you've got, Charley," snides Josh; Alex is just curious if she finds him funnier than Widdicombe. "I'm so tired I can't find anything funny at the moment" she tells him. "BOOM!" calls Mark, as Tiernan noisily hoots it up.

21.37 "There's also another audience member from that 25 Hour Show who has been auditioning for 20 hours for a walk-on role at the end of 'The Last Leg'. You will see her later on tonight." Yeeeeeah!

244 This is the first I had heard of 'Superscrimpers'. Subsequent internet research [skimreading] reveals it is presented by the excellently named Mrs Moneypenny, who is sometimes joined by one Henry Wallop. Charles Dickens would be very proud of your commissioning decisions, Channel4.

449 Hour #23, 9-10pm

21.38 The feed fades down, and Mark glories in what Adam has been able to do there, on live television245. "If Hills was in a helicopter he'd fly it fairly well, I think."

21.39 "My estimation of Hills has gone even higher, really," Mark tells us. "Almost no-one would have pulled that off, I think." Heh. "Later on, we'll put that feed back up, and we'll see our very own Saskia nailing the shit out of the part which she spent 20 hours auditioning for."

@TiernanDouieb Let it be said that @adamhillscomedy is not only one of the nicest chaps in comedy but also an expert pie chucker & #25Hours mentioner

21.40 Sarah announces that she has now made £19 for Comic Relief, from five Storybox bookings.

21.41 Carol reports than someone online genuinely thought that Zach Braff was dead. "Of course they did!" insists Mark. "He IS dead," agrees Tiernan, Stockholm-ishly. "If you put on a public forum a number of tweets saying Zach Braff is dead," muses Mark, "some people will put two and two together and think Zach Braff is dead."

21.43 John-Luke Roberts and Nadia Kamil, still on their Trial Separation, are brought up onto the stage. Things are a little fraught. As you might expect, considering.

245 The following week, Channel4 confirm that Adam Hills gets another series of ‘The Last Leg’, with Josh and Alex. His wrangling of things on this evening in no way marking his card with the broadcaster; it seems Hills is worth hanging on to. Too good at his job, and too tick-box convenient, to be shot of. As you can tell from the words of support uttered by Channel4’s chief creative officer, Jay Hunt:

‘ has gone further than any other broadcaster in putting disabled presenters at the very heart of what we do. Two disabled presenters fronting a Friday night entertainment show shows how far we have already come. It isn’t tokenism – it’s about great presenters telling amazing stories.’

She was speaking at an event to mark positive portrayal of disabled people on TV. So summating people by their number of limbs is kind of, well, less awful than it would be otherwise. And then I get to stop and beam again at just how right ‘The Last Leg’ gets it; disability isn’t what defines all.

450 Hour #23, 9-10pm

21:44 Nadia gets a little shrill as she harangues Luke for the dates he has been on, in her absence. "Make hay while the sun shines," snaps Luke, vituperatively. "One of them was a homo date," says Mark, soothingly. "The best kind!" Nadia exclaims; Luke agrees, saying that was "the better one". Going on to beam how "it was lovely", he and Joe drank half a bottle of wine and fed each other ice-cream. Mark, ever the peace-maker, asks what Nadia was doing during this time. "I stayed in a TravelLodge in Camberley," she snaps; "I had to ask to move rooms because it smelt of smoke".

21.45 Bennetto shouts a suggestion that someone go on a date with Nadia, seemingly thinking she can thus even the score. Nadia would like that. "Please someone! I will give someone a handjob!" She grins; Luke looks far less keen. "I told you she was capable of this," cheers Mark. Emma borrows his microphone to tell us, with loaded significance, "she's got HAIR". The audience woop, as Sarah hustles forward to explain what just happened to Kamil: the lengthy tresses were one of Claire's few ideals. Emma thinks it's a great idea. Luke is not so sure: "Claire will be able to DIRECTLY compare our date work". Someone else calls out "threesome!" Hmmm. "That's our gift to love," reckons Emma, "we're giving her a threesome".

21.46 It is decided then: Claire final date will be with Nadia and probable-Dan. "How are you with threesomes, Nadia?" checks Mark. "Into it," she nods. "Sex fun!" summates Watson. "So you're not actually back together officially yet?" he checks. "No, god no," Nadia replies. They have until midnight, as Luke calls out. "As the pie hits Tiernan's face, we will…" he says, leaving too much of a pause. "Have sex!" interrupts Bennetto. Luke gamely agrees, but Nadia is having absolutely none of this, pulling the same lemony distaste face as Amstell managed so well only a few hours earlier.

21.47 Mark salutes Emma Kennedy, show stalwart and threesome-enabler, who has been "raising absolutely cockloads of money".

21.50 Given that Charley is currently in the audience for 'The Last Leg' and has managed to tick off at least the balloon, flashmob, interview and lion part of her day, we've done alright by her Bucket List plans. Of the others, Nicki Kirsty the bear lady says that the Shard is hard to get into. As is the Oval. Incidentally, the Russian for 'flashmob' is 'flashmob'246.

246 As it is in Albanian, Czech, Danish, Dutch, Finnish, French, German, Indonesian, Italian, Malay, Norwegian, Polish, Portuguese, Romanian, Slovak, Spanish, Swedish and Vietnamese. In Catalan, though it's a 'Mobilització espontània', or 'spontaneous mobilisation'. Even though the Catalan for 'Flash Gordon' is 'Flash Gordon'. (In Dutch, he is Jens Lyn. Who sounds like he should be in session on Mark Radcliffe's Radio2 folk show. As with Sweden's Blixt Gordon…)

451 Hour #23, 9-10pm

21.52 Tiernan declares he is now so caught up in the way of pie he will be doing the pie thing at home.

21.53 Envoys of the 25 Hour Show have infiltrated Zach Braff's Wikipedia page, to decry his bad form247. I'm worried we're now behaving like insane bullies or wounded stalkers, and say so; the sudden change in our affections must be bewildering to an outsider, particularly when there is no obvious infraction to trace the ire back to. (Had he publicly denounced us, or somesuch, this about-face would be more explicable.) Dec says naah. Mark agrees. Hmm. We've DEFINITELY gone collectively doolally now.

21.56 Jenny's cake house is finished! And is gingerly carried down the stairs, to be proudly displayed on the stage. Emma rather wants to rub Tiernan's face in it, wondering "is it wrong?" while eying it up.

21.57 "The cake is as big as The Artist Formerly Known As Prince," calls Mark, using the internationally recognised shorthand for 'something of around 1.58m in length', or one unit of . Emma enthuses, praising its construction while simultaneously pointing out it will never be on 'Grand Designs'. Dec determines she should be "the patron saint of everything that is good", having wildly under- estimated the Catholic Church's beatification and canonisation processes. (Even if he DOES know the head nun in Britain.)

21.58 We tune back in to Channel4, just in time to see Saskia walk up to Adam's desk and hand him a vote results card, watched by Josh Widdicombe, Alex Brooker and Jonathan Ross, alongside the million or so home viewers248. We made this!

247 And not, as I had initially thought, to announce his death. The short-lived edit, in the Personal Life section, tells readers:

In March 2013, Braff claimed he was too busy to attend an event raising funds to fight malaria. The event was a comedy marathon where Mark Watson had been on stage for more than 20 hours. Braff was subsequently spotted eating Fish and Chips.

248 The winners of the League Against Tedium's old gameshow, 'Either/Or', were permitted to retain their anonymity; the 'loser', in Munnery's eyes, had fame forced upon them. Such fame as could be granted by the host of a gameshow on the UK Play channel, at least. How the world has changed, since 1999.

452 Hour #23, 9-10pm

21.59 As Adam Hills sign out on 'The Last Leg', our countdown to pie has begun, Richard Flanagan kneeling by Tiernan's side ready to splat him. (Had the TV feed stayed up, we would have watched a screaming goat intercut with clips of Adam's balls being waxed, Australian footage now popping up on American news to illustrate the 'Boyzilian' phenomenon. Which I think would have been seen as a mass hallucination of greater potency than even that black dog.)

453 Hour #23, 9-10pm

Countdown Challenge, 9-10pm

Innis Round Time Selection Mark Deeks Score Best Max Carson 393 9.19 pm WUDALELFA ALLUDE 2717 – 2735 LAWFUL DEWFALL 3094 394 9.21 pm GWNVAOUOI AVOWING 2724 – 2742 AVOWING AVOWING 3101 571 75 100 25 3 10 395 9.27 pm 572 2731 – 2749 570 3111 8 → 571 8 * (75 - 100 / 25) + 3 396 9.29 pm MCTPIIEDE EMPTIED 2738 – 2756 EIDETIC EPIDEMIC 3119 397 9.31 pm MIRAPISBN IMPAIRS 2745 – 2763 IMPAIRS MINIBARS 3127

398 9.33 pm SPFDEOANY DAPSONE 2745 – 2771 DYSPNOEA DYSPNOEA 3135 BLEEDING 399 9.36 pm NELIDIBEG INEDIBLE 2753 – 2779 INEDIBLE 3143 INEDIBLE 100 8 1 1 3 25 349 400 9.37 pm 349 2763 – 2789 349 3153 → 349 3*(100+8)+25 SWANNED 401 9.39 pm SANEQUWDN DUENNAS 2770 – 2796 SWANNED 3160 DUENNAS 402 9.40 pm GFTWEEOLF TOFFEE 2776 – 2802 TOFFEE TOFFEE 3166

403 9.41 pm RORAGETSI ROTARIES 2784 – 2810 ROTARIES ROTARIES 3174

404 9.42 pm STSLIOOEN OILSTONES 2802 – 2828 OILSTONES OILSTONES 3192 807 50 100 25 2 10 405 9.45 pm 807 2812 – 2838 807 3202 9 → 807 9 * (100 - 2) - 50 - 25 SALOTTI 406 9.46 pm LCTTOAIGS SALOTTI 2819 – 2845 ALTOIST STOICAL 3209 ALTOIST 407 9.48 pm PAVANEANQ PAVANE 2825 – 2851 PAVANE PAVANE 3215 408 9.48 pm RRRNUIIUS RUINS 2830 – 2856 RUINS RUINS 3220 ENCODE NABBED 409 9.50 pm DABOBECNE BEACON 2836 – 2862 BEACON 3226 BEACON CANOED 861 100 25 3 7 7 9 410 9.52 pm 861 2846 – 2872 861 3236 → 861 7 * (100 + 25 - 3) + 7

411 9.54 pm SEXUMOREL MUREXES 2853 – 2872 RESOLE MUREXES 3243

MOOCH 412 9.55 pm JCHMUIOZO MOOCH 2858 – 2877 MOOCH HUMIC 3248 MUCHO APATITE 413 9.56 pm TAPITIVAE VITIATE 2865 – 2884 VITIATE 3255 VITIATE STEADIED 414 9.58 pm HDDSIEETA HEADIEST 2873 – 2892 HEADIEST HEADIEST 3263 HEADTIES 75 100 50 10 3 301 415 9.59 pm 301 2883 – 2902 301 3273 3 → 301 3*(100-3)+10

454 Hour #23, 9-10pm CLAIRE'S DATE #23 - JONATHAN (10pm)

Jonathan was another date who could only hang around for half an hour thanks to prior commitments, although this time it was having to work overnight rather than having a date to go and cook for. He'd been cajoled into it by Gavin, and in the spirit of competition, he'd turned up. Instantly, he thrust a much-needed Red Bull into my hand, and we did our level best to do a date.

Sadly, I was rubbish.

The best we could do was to crack out the Baby Animal Top Trumps, throughout which Jonathan did his level best to cheat throughout the entire game. He was very chirpy considering he was about to start the sort of night shift I'd struggled through earlier that day, and he had obviously been taking smiling lessons from Gavin.

No sooner had he sat down, date #24 had already turned up, and I had to send him and his shameless cheating ass packing. By now everything had literally gone to pot. I was drunk and erratic, the end was finally in sight, and I'd consumed so much sugar I was in danger of doing myself a mischief.

It's a shame Jonathan hadn't figured earlier in the running order.

It was also a shame he tried to take advantage of my poor state by cheating at a child's card game. Naughty.

455 Hour #24,10-11pm Hour #24 10-11pm

22.00 Richard does what I can't help but term 'an Emma Jones', taking a particular pleasure in rubbing the plate all over Tiernan's head, with more enthusiasm than is strictly necessary. Then, inexplicably, picking him up in a hug from behind and depositing him one foot further back249. Danielle was a fine fine choice of long-term pie-er.

@TiernanDouieb #25hours for @comicrelief has made me hate custard.

22.01 As Tiernan goes to get clean, Mark asks that we "take a moment to think about someone who's spent 23 hours building a cake, most of that time without any cake".

22.02 Having duly taken a moment to think about someone who's spent 23 hours building a cake, most of that time without any cake, we gain the sponge-reverie-shattering news that Hills had his plums waxed on the bit of the show we didn't see. (Good job he wasn't Yianni's pube-average yardstick, then.) And Rachel Riley, currently ensconced in the boiler-room, has upped her offer to £50 for every 9-letter word the 'Countdown' players find.

249 Something which Matt Crosby has also had happen to him, though in his case it was on a busy train platform, and a commuter had determined he was in the way, thus in need of being picked up and popped elsewhere.

456 Hour #24,10-11pm

22.03 Pierre has finished a new artwork, this one commissioned by Tim Key. Rolling Rozzers. It shows three policemen, in Peeler garb, going bowling. In tribute to Ray's winning the eBay auction.

@adamhess1 Some girl just made a castle out of cake. It's basically just a pile of cakes. We'v all started worshipping it. All hail cake fort! #25hours

22.04 Pierre asks for ideas for his next piece. There are some insistent shouts of COCKHAMMER, in salute of Rufus' planned mallet-excitement. Emma, however, has her own ideas, sidling over to Pierre to ask, in low and intense tones, if he would create a picture of herself and Tiernan "having sex in a house made of cake". Which is, I think, this hour's Black Dog moment. Grim.

@25HourChihuahua Last full run through of Beverly Hills Chiihuahua for at least the next fortnight. @watsoncomedian #25hours

22.06 "It's time for Andrew Scherer to finish his marathon!" announces Mark, as the man is carried in by the Coventry boys who ran the last mile with him. Though such a feat of energy is thoroughly beyond me, at this juncture, I think I'm on my third or fourth wind. And say so to Dec, jumping idiom to reckon I'm maybe Boreas now. He patiently asks if this is another Greek myth thing. Yup. I happily explain that Boreas the North wind was thought to impregnate any lady horses left outside pointing in his direction, which is likely the only part of the 25 Hour Show when anyone used the phrase "horse wind babies"250.

250 My other favourite thing about this story is that it ties so neatly with another airy myth about equine parenting. When Zeus heard that Ixion was planning to steal his wife, he made a decoy Hera out of clouds - a demi-goddess called Nephele - to test the man. Ixion fell for this cumulus deception, and absconded with Nephele, impregnating her with the first centaur. As a punishment for Hera-napping, Ixion was tied to a wheel of fire, and sent endlessly rolling around the sky, at the whim of the winds. Briefly distracted from their own foal-fathering pursuits… (The unlikeliest people can become celebrities, through a dearly held passion. Yes. Hence Magnus Magnusson.)

457 Hour #24,10-11pm

22.09 Corry comes up onstage, to say thankyou to Mark and Giles. Mark who is now clutching an orange ball of wool, and two knitting needles, further evidence - as though t'were needed - of his tendency to take what he's given and just hold onto it, like a really fancy hatstand, or shelf.

22.10 John-Luke Roberts, sitting on my left, has an epiphany: "it feels like this is the right length for a show". Seems like a solid gold good point. But at hour #24 I am in no way an objective judge.

22.12 Tiernan has found a Vodafone bill with the word 'Zack' on it. "Auction it!" calls a lady. So he does. The bidding swiftly rising from a fiver to a tenner. Key, of course, wants in on this. "Tim Key bids £20 for a phone bill," commentates Mark, grinning delighted. "Someone else's phone bill as well," notes Tiernan, fishing to see if there are any higher bids. "Twenty-five!" calls Key, promising he will go up to thirty-five if someone bids £30. Someone bids £30. "Thirty-five!" calls Key, as promised. "There you are, Key doesn't piss about," Mark tells us, gesticulating Tim's way with the wool.

22.13 A lady up the ante with a bid for £40. Key stays silent. Sneaky bugger.

@RufusHound On my way back to #25hours. I feel sick to my stomach #andcockandballsobviously

458 Hour #24,10-11pm

22.14 Having interrogated the auctioneers on the quality of the phone-bill - pretty good, connection only! - Tim decides to bid again. And ends up bagging the Vodafone bill for a cool £45.

22.15 The blaggers come up on the stage. But we never get to hear their words of apology, or justification, for Marco manages to tread on the cake house. "And they've completed their contribution to the show by trampling the cake!" commentates Mark. "Run, Johnny!" calls Marco, the two legging it before they can do further damage. Or before they are attacked by avenging comestible Furies.

22.17 Barney finally gets to sing his 'Copacabana' tribute to Corry, the lyrics appearing on the back- screen for we all to join in on. "Her name was Corry, she was a stage manager / With a set of wireless cans, and a mobile in each hand…"

22.18 At song end Corry runs onstage, hugs Barney, and runs off again.

22.19 A message has come through from former Long Show Balladeer and actor in this stage-space251 John Dorney: it's his dad's Vodafone bill. Well, it was. "I mean, it's Key's phone bill now," Mark says, apologetically.

22.21 As Mark signs a woman's fore-arm, Tiernan acts as auctioneer again, this time for Tim's Rolling Rozzers portrait. Which Tim doesn't want. But is prepared to bid for. When the painting gets to £50, he calls down a bid of "fifty-five/sixty". And roars a roar of frustration - or is it victory? - when it goes to someone else for £65.

251 The Long Show being in here means that the cast of ‘Coalition’ have a night off from satirising the current Government, and imagining how a Clegg type of a fellow might come undone. Possibly in the building one can also find correspondence addressed to the family members of Phill Jupitus, Thom Tuck and Jo Caulfield. I don’t know. I’m not an actor.

459 Hour #24,10-11pm

22.23 Emma would like to auction off a SheWee next. But before we get into that, Mark asks us all to sign a lady's arm. Her dad has promised her £1 in sponsorship money for every signature she accrues. "If she comes past you with her arm, and she will realistically have her arm, sign it."

22.24 As the woman and her arm start to circulate around the room, Emma takes the floor, pacing the stage as she talks up the bounty in the box she is holding. Without the SheWee, we would not be about to watch Rufus Hound. Though Emma stresses we are bidding on an unused model: "we established that right at the very beginning, when I asked your opinion, you said 'no Emma, do not urinate through it, no-one will want it'." It will be a memento of the evening, she says. A memento mori, even, she says. (Typically, such an item - being a reminder of death, and your own mortality - is much more skull-shaped, i.e. deliberately resembling one of Pierre's more sinister artworks. Sadly, there is no suggestion that the SheWee's coating of crystals pick out a grinning skull's face, in a manner reminiscent of Damien Hirst's 'For The Love Of God' artwork. Apt as that would be, given that he has this year been selling Red Nose Day prints of the diamond-encrusted skull252…)

22.25 Tom Bell starts the bidding, at £1.

22.26 John-Luke Roberts bids £30 for the SheWee, but is pipped with a bid of £35.

252 In an interview with BBC Radio 4's Front Row, Hirst told John Wilson: "I thought it would be funny. You can't take yourself seriously. Anything done well is art - and when you get great comedy, that's art as well. I thought years ago about trying to do an exhibition of art that made you laugh. There are some really great funny artworks, though I don't make many of them. I had an idea once, a long time ago, to do a huge sculpture that was going to be a human poo - seven foot tall and forty foot long. I was going to make it the most perfect human poo you could make, in bronze - and then put it outside somewhere. And I was going to call it Untitled (No. 2). I made a model - I just never made it."

WHAT DID YOU MAKE THE 'MODEL' OUT OF, DAMIEN!?

460 Hour #24,10-11pm

22.27 Alex and Rosie have raised £230 with their cakes for sale downstairs, at the bar. They circulate the boxes of uneaten delights up and down the rows, asking people to chuck money in the empty plastic glasses if they want.

22.28 Carol has busily made a t-shirt, commemorating the show - with a variety of totems, including a Chihuahua, Countdown teapot and Groupon logo - which goes for £35 to Richard Tyrone-Jones.

@laurenlaverne If @RufusHound ends world hunger by smashing eggs with his cock, does that mean he has EARTH'S MOST POWERFUL WANG? #25Hours @MrsHound

22.29 And so we come to Markus Birdman's magnificent mural. Giles Wakely WANTS this. And starts the bidding at £400.

22.31 Wakely's bidding swiftly gets up to £700, Mark worrying for Giles' finances (and his wife's reaction). Does he hear eight? There's a man up on the right- side balcony, striving to get his attention. "Anthony again, from the Pleasance", Mark clarifies for us. "We promise to frame it, we promise to give it a home, and we'll make it a thousand quid!" A proposition that is met with an "aaah" from Mark, and some considerable cheering from the rest of the room. Giles can't really match that. And, as Mark notes, he doesn't have anywhere to put it, while the Pleasance will be able to make a permanent monument to what we have made. "What we could do is you and me could drive up every weekend and have a look at it." "Let's do that!" agrees Giles.

22.32 Mark begins to draw proceedings to a close, but his little speech is interrupted by a shout from the other side of the room. Tim Key, still set on maximising laughs, tension, and charity takings, bids "eleven hundred!" Heeeee. "Very very risky from Key," summates Mark, unable to keep the laugh down. "Lunacy from Key!"

461 Hour #24,10-11pm

@adamhess1 Tim Key has bid £1100 on a drawing that he doesn't actually want. The bloke's shitting it. #25hours

22.33 "If you have an auction you want Key involved, one way or another," Mark tells us. "TWELVE HUNDRED!" bellows his friend, almost immediately. "This is what makes Key so hard to defend against, in an auction." Anthony tries to snag Mark's attention, mostly by saying his name quite a lot, but the sentence he's trying to get out is over-ridden by Tim - whose Edinburgh shows have almost all been at the Pleasance - yelling "just name a fucking figure mate!"

22.34 Anthony suggests Key buys it, "and then we'll auction it in Edinburgh at the festival". "Ooh, double- auction fun", calls Mark: "Key starts to think he might be out of pocket here". Anthony suggests "you buy it we get it", promising they will still give it a home. "I HATE 'you buy it we get it', Tim declares, barracking the auctioneer to "get him GOING!" Key's intent seems to be to raise as much for charity as possible; Anthony to have the prestige of the wall-art, all the better if someone else pays for it. "Bang your fucking gavel!" yells Tim, at Mark. "I haven't got a gavel." "GET A GAVEL!"

22.35 Mark does his best auctioneer voice to ask if anyone will bid thirteen hundred. Doesn't look like it, Key. "GROW A PAIR!" Tim yells, at Anthony. Anthony stays silent. "It's my duty to say 'going once'," Mark begins. "Anthony!" Tim barks. "I'll give YOU a thousand for it," promises the Pleasance director, very much unbudgeable on price. And likely extremely wary that if he does bid £1,300, Key will immediately counter with an offer of £1,400. As he is right to be, for Key then promises to do exactly that. As Anthony tries to mollify him, saying that he will house the mural, frame it, and allow Key to visit it as much as he likes, if Tim sells it to him for a thousand pounds. "You don't buy a fucking car and go and visit it!" Tim yells. "Normally when you buy a car you work out what price you can afford and then go from there," Mark tells him, accurately. "I worked out what would be fun and said it," his friend replies, a plaintive note now creeping in. "There's no doubt it's been fun," Mark tells him; "the most exciting cry of 'eleven hundred!' I've ever heard!" "It's not even my sort of thing!" Tim yells. Heh.

462 Hour #24,10-11pm

22.36 Tim suggests he buy the mural, with a view to re-auctioning it on in 45 minutes time when some really rich famous guys arrive. "You mean Adam and Hound?" "I mean specifically Adam." "The thing is Adam is so good-natured you probably could still make a profit on this tonight." Tim seems happy with this. "Going once, going twice; sold, really against his better judgement, for £1,200, with a view to a re-sale, to Key!"

@adamhess1 Tim Key has now bought a picture for £1100 whereby the only way he has a wall big enough for it is if he's the emporer of China #25hours

22.37 "Even by Key's standards,” says Mark, that was “one of his more eccentric auctions".

22.38 Hound is here! Hound is much hugged! Hound is not looking forward to what is about to happen!

@timminchin Hello @watsoncomedian & all you crazy #25hours weirdos. I'm now in New York, suffering sleeplessness in sympathy. Congrats to y'all.

22.40 We are asked for suggestions of suitable music to break eggs by. “'Sledgehammer!" yells one253.

253 Sensing he is being spoken about, a cloud passes over Peter Gabriel's unusually animated face.

463 Hour #24,10-11pm

by Pei Yen (oxymoronish.tumblr.com)

464 Hour #24,10-11pm

22.42 "I just really want to elbow drop it," says Tiernan, looking down at the cake house. "Me, I'm cool with it," Mark tells us.

22.44 It is decided that there should be an auction to determine who will throw the last pie in Tiernan's face. And lo, the rights go for £60. Meanwhile Rufus is busily concerning self with his egg admin, still set on taping one to his chest: "I will try to break it by flicking pelvically". Rufus who has now stripped down to a natty tights-and-underpants ensemble, his brightly coloured tattoos and tightly curled hair only adding to the general appearance of an amateur boxer a century or so out of time.

22.47 "Rufus might like to know there's 1,200 people watching on the live-stream," calls Kate. He can't quite believe that: there were only 300 when he was tuned in, earlier.

465 Hour #24,10-11pm

22.49 Rufus and Emma sing a version of 'Let It Snow', rejigged by Hound to be about smashing eggs with a cockhammer. After which he gets back to cockhammer-admin: he'd like a plank and some chairs, so as the eggs are at the right sort of height...

@adamhess1 Rufus Hound is dressed like a horny jester and is singing some song about eggs and dicks. He's panicking. #25hours

22.51 Rufus has had a text from his wife. It is a one word text. "Divorce."

22.53 "By the way," calls Mark, "in a minute we'll have done a 24 Hour Show!" Wooo! "Like you get! Of course, that means nothing. Because this is a 25 Hour Show. And it's fair to say you wouldn't now want to leave without seeing the twenty-fifth hour."

22.54 Rufus' sponsorship pot is currently on £1,685, with £1,000 more to come from Jennifer Saunders. "There's 1,200 people watching this," says Rufus, striving for a dignified point while wearing nought but tattoos, red tights, and his striped underpants. "At least get it over two [grand] on paper. I'm going to do it anyway!" But it would be great to bump it up.

22.56 Giles gives Mark a note. "Oh yeah, we're on 5Live in a minute!"

22.59 As Corry and Rufus busily prepare the egg-plank, Danielle takes her position at Tiernan's side.

466 Hour #24,10-11pm

Countdown Challenge, 10-11pm

Innis Round Time Selection Mark Deeks Score Best Max Carson EMMER METRE 416 10.02 pm RMRMEEERT meeter (X) 2883 – 2902 meeter (X) MERER 3278 METER EMMET

417 10.03 pm KASAPADAE ESPADA 2889 – 2908 ESPADA ESPADA 3284

418 10.06 pm SWTMIOOME TWOSOME 2896 – 2908 MIMEOS TWOSOME 3291

419 10.08 pm RIRASOFRE SORRIER 2903 – 2915 SORRIER FARRIERS 3299 352 50 9 8 3 4 25 420 10.09 pm 352 2913 – 2925 352 3309 → 352 8 * (50 - (9 - 3))

421 10.11 pm SULARADET ADULATES 2921 – 2933 ADULATES ADULATES 3317

422 10.12 pm PNSCIIAKS SNACKS 2927 – 2939 PANICS PISCINAS 3325

ELEGISE ELEGIST 423 10.14 pm SEGELETIM ELEGISE 2934 – 2946 GIMLETS 3332 ELEGIES GIMLETS COSTUME 424 10.17 pm MSCTOUESA COSTUMES 2942 – 2954 COSTUMES 3340 S 780 75 25 2 5 1 425 10.19 pm 780 2949 – 2961 780 (75 / 5) * 3347 100 → 779 (100 - 2 * (25 - 1)) GRUNION 426 10.20 pm NHGFIOUNR GRUNION 2956 – 2968 GRUNION 3354 HORNING

427 10.23 pm WAPACELFE PALEFACE 2964 – 2968 PALACE PALEFACE 3362

428 10.24 pm ZGJDOIOLB IGLOO 2964 – 2975 GLOBOID GLOBOID 3369 VIRGULE 429 10.26 pm LIGERURVY UGLIER 2970 – 2981 LIVERY 254 3376

640 75 50 7 1 6 9 430 10.28 pm 640 2980 – 2991 640 3386 → 640 9 * (75 + 1) - (50 - 6) HETAIRA 431 10.30 pm PORATEHAI HETAIRA 2987 – 2998 HETAIRA 255 3393

NOUNS 432 10.35 pm SNVNOAUQU NOUNS 2992 – 3003 NOUNS NUNUS 3398 NOVAS DIRTIED 433 10.37 pm RETITIDDX EDITRIX 2999 – 3010 EDITRIX 256 3405 EDITRIX

254 'Virgule'. Noun. One of these diagonals that's hard to read if you're used to emoticons: /

255 'Hetaira'. Noun. An extremely classy/expensive ancient Greek courtesan or concubine.

256 'Editrix'. Noun. Like an editor, right, but a lady. IMAGINE!!!

467 Hour #24,10-11pm

Innis Round Time Selection Mark Deeks Score Best Max Carson 434 10.38 pm TPTNEAENI PENITENT 3007 – 3018 PENITENT PENITENT 3413 773 25 50 9 2 1 435 10.40 pm 773 3017 – 3028 773 9 * (50 + 3423 100 → 773 25) + 100 - 2 436 10.41 pm BBDDEEINT INDEBTED 3025 – 3028 DEBITED INDEBTED 3431

437 10.43 pm TOGILUMUR TURMOIL 3032 – 3035 TURMOIL TURMOIL 3438

HELICON 438 10.44 pm LNHNIEOCO HELICON 3039 – 3042 CHOLINE 3445 CHOLINE LIMEN257 MULIE LUMEN 439 10.46 pm MEZULINEJ NEUME 3044 – 3042 LINE NEUME 3450 MIZEN ILEUM258 ELEMI 946 75 6 6 7 5 50 440 10.47 pm 946 3054 – 3052 946 (6 + 5) * 3460 → 946 (75 + 7) + 50 - 6 BABBLED BLABBED 441 10.48 pm LEYOBADBB BLABBED 3061 – 3059 BLOBBED 3467 BOBBLED BLOBBED TENDERER TENDERER TENDERE 442 10.49 pm DTNREEERS 3079 – 3077 3485 S S RS ROTATE EXPORT POTTER 443 10.51 pm RETOXAQTP EXPORT 3085 – 3083 EXPORT PATTER 3491 EXTORT PROTEA TEAPOT

444 10.52 pm WRVSUEIRO WORRIES 3085 – 3091 REOVIRUS REOVIRUS 3499 730 50 2 9 3 9 1 445 10.55 pm 723 3085 – 3101 730 3509 → 730 (9 + 1) * (2 * 50 - 3 * 9) PICADOR 446 10.56 pm RGPDIAOCD PICADOR 3092 – 3101 podagric (X) 3516 PARODIC

447 10.58 pm RUDITADAO AUDITOR 3099 – 3108 AUDITOR AUDITOR 3523

TOWHEES 448 10.59 pm GFTSEEOWH TOWHEES 3106 – 3108 FEWEST 259 3530

257 ‘Limen’. Noun. The threshold of a physiological or psychological response. Hence the word 'liminal'. Also, bonus, a wonderful word for a Google Image Search, owing to some amazing dance photography.

258 ‘Ileum’. Noun. The final and longest segment of the small intestine. It is specifically responsible for the absorption of vitamin B 12 - very prevalent in Marmite, that - and the reabsorption of conjugated bile salts.

259 ‘Towhee’. Noun. Type of bird, which tends to avoid humans, and would have no way of understanding a TOWIE reference, were you to make one, which you likely wouldn't, why would you bring it up with an American sparrow anyway?

468 Hour #24,10-11pm CLAIRE'S DATE #24 - ANDY (10.30pm)

Andy, the closest person I know to being a real life giant, drew the shortest straw of the lot, and that's not a reference to my height.

I've known Andy for a few years now through a mutual friend, who when he found out I was struggling to meet the 25 date quota, put the thumbscrews on poor Andy and insisted he obliged. And oblige he did, turning up at half ten at night to ply me with more booze. He also packed a picnic. Bless...

By this time, the whole theatre was in almost meltdown with the allure of sleep proving almost too much to bear.

The date pretty much consisted of me flapping around in fear of my 25th and final date, examining the knitted glow that Andy had brought along in the hope I might sew it up for him (fat chance), and me trying in some way to articulate a modicum of the events that had come to pass over the last 24 hours.

Within 20 minutes, it was time to find out what the 25th and final date held in store, so I carted Andy up to the auditorium, plonked him on the back row and told him to behave himself.

469 Hour #25,11pm-12am Hour #25 11-12pm

23.00 As Tim Key rallies us on, and Tiernan receives his penultimate pie-ing, we cheer a halloo to the listeners of Radio5. "No-one else is capable of doing this!" bellows Key. "Give it up for the that is MARK WATSON!"

470 Hour #25,11pm-12am

23.01 "You're at £2,000!" calls Kate, for Rufus, watching onstage proceedings with one eye on the internet.

@jlukeroberts You can't make an omelette without taping a mallet to your penis and smashing 25 eggs #25Hours

23.02 Mark reckons we should get Oliver back. "We need to get him in here and we need to start rehabilitating him."

23.03 It is announced that the live-stream is now up to 1,600 views. Just in time to see Claire Travers- Smith be introduced to her final dates, you lot. "We've got you a man," says Mark, "and the other kind, a lady." She, Nadia and Dan disappear off for their date threesome.

23.05 As Rufus carefully lays out a line of eggs on a board held between two chairs, Oliver Fisher arrives, carrying his laptop. Headphones very much back in place.

471 Hour #25,11pm-12am

23.06 Oliver Fisher is now on his fifteenth go of 'Beverly Hills Chihuahua'. "This is one of the more enjoyable viewings," Oli tells him. "Still optimistic!" Mark beams. Oliver directs our attention to Yianni's movie-specific graph, a visual representation of how much as he has enjoyed the film. Not at all, it seems. Apart from one big spike of enjoyment, the provenance of which Mark finds intriguing. "It's just when everything fell into place, I think. It was just perfect." Mark strives to agree, that "six or seven viewings in you really start to get it".

472 Hour #25,11pm-12am

23.07 Mark shows us the graph itself, talking us through the timeline as Oliver keeps an eye on his laptop screen. "So you can see, basically, expressed as simply as we can, he mostly hated the film. There was one time where he enjoyed it. Then he went back to hating it. And then by the end he felt terribly terribly low." Oliver reckons he will get through a fifteenth viewing before the show ends: "yeah, it's all really falling into place now". Mark heaps praise upon him, for what he's done to raise money and for the show itself, particularly in his 'Last Leg' aid. "Oliver's done a helluva lot for this show. Mostly he's done a helluva lot to psychologically scar his future. Ladies and gentlemen, one more time for the acknowledge king of repetitive film watching, Oliver Fisher!"

23.08 The 'Countdown' menfolk are also in here. Innis is on 3118 points; Mark is on 3116. After 24 hours of play. "That is entirely genuine," Deeks assures us: "that is 100% the truth". Rachel Riley can be their witness, if needed. Rufus - still keen for people on the internet to hear what's going on - grabs a mike for her to audibly back the boys up.

23.11 The winner of the endurance game of 'Countdown' will be determined by who can get the conundrum the quickest, a nine-letter anagram to be rearranged into another nine-letter word. And for this, they will use the proper big board. Something needs to be found to substitute for buzzers, something we are sadly lacking in this building. (And to think I left my hotel desk bell at home!)

23.14 It is looking as though Innis and Mark will be using party poppers, to announce their having completed the conundrum. Although there are multiple musical instruments in here that they could also use. And, if it comes to it, there's always the Marvin Suggs and his Muppophones model to follow: hit a muppety furball on the head with a big foam hammer, and have them howl out a note...

23.16 With the big blue board propped up on a bench, and facing towards the backscreen, Rachel rearranges letters, for annagrammatical purposes. At the front of the stage, Rufus is also bent to a task: trying to make a novelty keyboard work.

23.17 Robert, unable to watch a man struggle with a musical instrument, clambers forward to help him. "Buzzer admin!" summates Mark.

473 Hour #25,11pm-12am

23.19 It is decided to use Tiernan's keyboard instead, for the buzzers: one player at the higher end, one the lower. Possibly slightly too high-tech, for a game that eschews the fancy modern electronics.

23.21 The Lego Tecnic car! It's done! "We just finished it five seconds ago," beams the boy 'Tracey', proudly showing the family creation off to us.

23.23 Mark praises Emma Kennedy, who is "at least in the Top 5 people in the world right now". Mark also worries after Misha, whose near-constant woollen exploits have led to swollen hands and some considerable pain. They're now criss-crossed with shiny black 'bandages', which she says is helping. "You shouldn't have to use phrases like 'I've gaffered my hands down'" Mark tells her, pertinently.

23.24 Rufus is now on £2,165, online! Plus Saunders' promised grand!

23.25 Mark Deeks and Innis Carson kneel down, in front of the keyboard, facing away from us and towards the currently-shrouded board. This will be the decider. The ultimate play-off. WORD WAR!

474 Hour #25,11pm-12am

23.26 I start filming. The audience counts down, from five to one. And as we get to the lift-off moment, Rachel and Emma lower the black drape that is obscuring this "crucial Conundrum". The board reads WERELAPSE. Two seconds later - literally just that, I have it as an action-replay - Innis bangs his hand down on the keyboard and then raises it in triumph. There are yells to cut the music, and a mike is hurried to him. "SLEEPWEAR", he says. Mark Deeks falls to the floor, clutching hands to head; Innis Carson stands still taller, arms raised above his head in perfect mirror to Rufus Hound doing likewise before him. And then we all follow suit, getting to our feet to applaud the speed of his brain. And what the both of them have been doing for the last day260.

260 Their final sponsorship takings totalled £2,530.88, "including £205 from @RachelRileyRR and the 88p someone left on the table", says Mark Deeks. Looks like the errant 12 pence was annoying an online donor enough to prompt them to give a round-you-up amount of money. Thus rendering our tiny whip-round helpful only in terms of Comic Relief funds acquired.

475 Hour #25,11pm-12am

23.28 Oli has completed his fifteenth viewing of 'Beverly Hills Chihuahua', it is reported. "He's finished the DVD!" a lady tells us. "Smash that fucker!" roars Robert.

23.29 Praise is meted out to all the Challenge completors. And in a more literal way, party poppers are also given out, the better for us to celebrate Hound. Whose time is almost upon us.

23.34 Claire Travers-Smith reports in, she too having finished her Challenge: 25 dates, in 25 hours. That's Matt, Oskar, Sam, Sam (via Skype), Marco, Oli (while he watched 'Beverly Hills Chihuahua'), Willard, Mike, Darren, Dan, Martin, Andy, Mark, Pierre, Chad, Luke (on his sponsored trial separation), Norrie, Luke, Carl, Gavin, Woody, Keir, Jonathan, Andy, Nadia and Dan (threesome!). Her parents have texted in to say they're very proud. And, I believe, to check she's had sex with none of them. Nope. Not even Kamil.

23.35 Mark bestows praise on the piggyback couple. "Nearly all of it wasn't pleasant?" he asks. "Yeah," affirms Jack, possibly considering anew the virtues of celebrating your weight loss by standing-proud-in- your-old-big-clothing.

23.36 The Norwich bath lady is to be texted by Mark, checking up and checking in. "I sort of think she must look like Zelda from 'Terrorhawks'261", reckons Emma, very conscious of the skin’s tendency to pucker like a prune when submerged in water.

DETCHANT (n.)

(Of the hands or feet.) Prunelike after an overlong bath.

- from 'The Meaning Of Liff

23.37 Adam Hills returns, with Charley and Saskia. The cue for yet more applause…

261 An analogy I have just a) Googled, b) realised to be extremely accurate, c) regretted Googling. What's wrong with a nice "she must look like a Gelfling after one of the Skeksis have drained her life force" analogy?

476 Hour #25,11pm-12am

23.38 Hills reports that Josh Widdicombe was going to come down, though is likely held up in the shitty Kanye West traffic around Hammersmith. "Jonathan Ross was going to stop off and get a burger and then come here too," Adam tells us, laughing at the very sentence coming out of his own face. "I think the dream is the show ends with one minute of Jonathan Ross that doesn't make any sense at all," reckons Mark.

23.39 "We've got almost complete closure," says Mark, happily; "except…" "Aaah!" agrees Adam, taking in the eggy plank. One more thing. "Please welcome, dressed as a king, mister Rufus HOUND!"

23.40 Rufus takes to the stage, in a red fur-trimmed cape, crown, and knee-length green towel as an impromptu kilt. A mallet's head swings, lazily, nudging at the bathwear. He holds still, in a jaunty- armed approximation of Bolt's signature move, then petitions for a motivational speech. "I suppose if I feel like anything, Mark, I feel like a Chihuahua. And I need to feel like a champion!" Some lines are gamely quoted at him: that film has really resonated with the room. But is it enough?

23.41 Hills offers to do warm-up for Hound, who gleefully takes him up on it: "the Aussies do motivational speeches better than anyone!" Rufus takes up position by the egg plank, but there is a brief pause, while we get a quick girl-in-the- bath update: not dead. Has tweeted the following: "'I'm still fine, I'm in the bath until midnight, love you all to pieces, congratulations to you all.'" "That is very nice to hear," Mark says, "and now back to the cock." There are yells to STOP STOP. The live-stream has gone down. "Government censorship!" roars Adam. Or maybe just too many people, dogpiling on till the strain becomes too much. "We're back online!" someone shouts. Right! LET'S DO THIS!

23.42 "Ladies and gentlemen of the Pleasance Theatre," calls Adam, commencing warm-up hype-man rabble-rousing. "And of the world! There comes a moment in a man's life, in every man's life, where deep down in your gut - and even deeper than your gut - in the balls, in your SCROTUM, you just KNOW. It's time to stand up. And smash some eggs with your cock." Rufus starts hitting himself in the back of the head with his hands, gazing down at the task before him, as Mark calls an "Amen to that!" It's possible regret is coursing through him; adrenaline is what is needed now. "This is that time," growls Adam, before singing "this is your mo-meeeeeeent". A-huna!

477 Hour #25,11pm-12am

HUNA (n.)

The result of coming to the wrong decision.

- from 'The Meaning Of Liff'

23.43 As Adam instructs Rufus to think of each egg as a moment he needs to SMASH, he starts swinging his hips in readiness. Legs apart, knees bent, more and more of the mallet is able to fly free of its modest covering, the rhythm and heights he reaches provoking awed roars from the crowd. "This is the moment you can tell your children about!" Adam tells him, hand on shoulder, looking him right in the eye. His descendents will know that he smashed a shitload of eggs with a mallet tied to his cock! "Do it for the eggs! Do it for us! But do it FOR THE FUTURE!"

23.44 The towel falls to the floor, the music kicks in, and Rufus - a mallet taped to the cock he's cut a peephole in his legwear for - starts swinging. Slowly at first, without a gameplan, the first few tries make contact but fail to hit home. Hills sneaks forward to hold one wobbling chair in place, and suddenly it all clicks. Rufus swings back and forth, the mallet landing lengthways with a satisfying thump on two or three eggs at a time. "Hound! Hound! Hound!"

478 Hour #25,11pm-12am

@RachelRileyRR Words cannot describe what I've just witnessed! Amazing effort for charity by the one and only Hound

23.45 The line destroyed, Rufus looks around for the one final egg he was going to tape to his chest to crush, mallet still dangling free. But there is no such egg, and instead he jumps and swings to crush the one taped at the very end of the line, doing it with the cockhammer before twisting the mallet off his wang and just going at it with his right arm. Egg splatters as party poppers go off, the music rising to a frenetic guitar solo. "Ladies and gentlemen!" roars Adam, as the king strides offstage: "RUFUUUUS HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUND!"

479 Hour #25,11pm-12am

So we never got Stavros Flatley, Tracey-Ann Oberman or the unicycling Katy Brand, all of whom dangled the prospect of themselves before us. We got Rufus. We got over £3 grand for him alone. And I got egg IN MY HAIR.

@CeliaPacquola #25hours HEY! Don't know if it's happened yet but me, my crowd & my country are behind u @RufusHound @watsoncomedian

23.46 "With fifteen minutes to go you sort of wonder how we top that, really!" calls Mark.

23.47 Jonathan Ross arrives. We need worry no further on how to top that. "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!?" he interrobangs. "I just walked in: an overweight man is killing chickens with his DICK! It's not okay Hound! And when did your hair on your head become so pubic?" "That's a separate issue, really," Mark tells us, as Ross declares, emphatically, "I am not killing a chicken with my cock…I should say, AGAIN." Followed, almost immediately, by praise for Mark: "what a lovely human being you are". "I've got all egg on me," replies Mark, picking shell off his t-shirt. "What a wreck of a human being you are," revises Jonathan. Mark seems alright with that: "you put your heart and soul into these ventures but then when someone goes the extra mile by getting their cock out and smashing eggs it makes all the difference, it really does."

480 Hour #25,11pm-12am

23.48 Having been teased for his look – 1950s schoolchild – Rufus grabs Mark’s mike, and asks “just out of interest, how does it feel on this rare occasion to be able to take the moral highground?” Presumably in veiled reference to his on-air teasing of an old man whose grand-daughter had enjoyed the company of one Russell Brand262. Ha.

23.49 Jonathan Ross notices the food on the floor. The cake house, in other words. “Why is there a house made of cake?” “Why WOULDN’T there be a house made of cake?” Mark retorts. He and Tiernan strive to explain why it hasn't been eaten yet, the latter promising it will get fucked up in a minute but the pie explanation is comprehensively derailed by a "what the fuck is THAT!?" from Ross, who is somewhat alarmed by the wolf onesie. "That's like a pregnant Smurf!" Boo. "That is a human being with rights," counters Mark, as Tiernan pulls the furry-eared eared hood down. "What is it? I don't want that near me!" Again with the boooo. "This man has been hit in the face with a custard pie every hour, on the hour," Mark explains. "Oh YOU'RE the one!" Aaah; that's better.

@pierrenovellie Just met Jonathan Ross while Rufus Hound smashed eggs with his cock with a mallet attached. #25hours

23.50 "I would like to add to that pie-fest, if I may?" asks Jonathan. "If he bids for it!" yells a woman. The audience are happy with Jonathan outbidding the previous bidder. Hills suggests involving Ray, who should have his TwitRelief closure. "Ray!" calls Ross; "I will bid £5,000 for you to hit him in the face with a pie."

23.51 Tim Key bids £6,000. Of course he does. "Just for a minute I thought he wasn't going to do it," grins Mark. "SEVEN THOUSAND!" bellows Tim, all thoughts of mural re-auctions lost to the light of this new prize.

23.52 Ross may not want to go above £7,000 but Adam will step up to it. "Eight!" he calls gazing at Tim. And Rufus, again with the sound and the fury, is desperate that this is not nothing to the live- stream. "The people on the internet cannot hear! THE PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET CANNOT HEAR THIS!" His shouts have reminded Jonathan that Hound exists, and so the bidding steps up still higher: "if Rufus goes down to just his underpants I'm going TEN!"

262 Boothby Graffoe says the only thing rarer than one of his CDs is an unsigned one. Russell conquest analogy fun!

481 Hour #25,11pm-12am

@sarahbennetto Holy fuck. Eight minutes left, and @timkeyperson has just gone mad with power. #25hours

23.54 Ludicrously, the bidding climbs still higher, getting to £12,000 for the rights to, oh, I'm not even sure any more. But Hills & Ross have got it. And an extremely nonplussed Josh Widdicombe has only just arrived, in time to witness whatever it is they've got. (In 2009, Paul Foot made a point of storming out seven minutes before the end of the Long Show. Josh is very much his antithesis.)

@pierrenovellie KEY KEY KEY KEY KEY KEY! #25hours

482 Hour #25,11pm-12am

23.56 "Rufus Hound is both my hero and the man I NEVER want to be!" salutes Tiernan, the cockhammer wielder gamely stripping to his underpants for Jonathan Ross, and the promise of twelve grand to charity.

@LiseRichardson Josh Widdicombe arrived in the last three minutes. What. #MarkWatson #25hours

23.59 Standing ready for the final time, Tiernan says he wouldn't have done this for anyone else. In fact, he actually says if anyone else had asked he'd have told them to fuck right off. And then the countdown starts, from ten, and he has to ready self for the one final pie.

00.00 Tiernan plunges face first into the house full of cake. YES!!!

483 Hour #25,11pm-12am

484 Hour #25,11pm-12am

485 Hour #25,11pm-12am

And then it's all cheers and champagne and singing, the party cannon bravely fired, and arms- round-everyone hugs. Then a video compilation of live-stream viewers saying thankyou, and oh, the fizz is everywhere. Look what we have done, all together. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

486 Hour #25,11pm-12am

487 Hour #25,11pm-12am

Countdown Challenge, 11pm-12am

Mark Round Time Selection Score Innis Carson Best Max Deeks 327 25 3 9 1 2 7 449 11.00 pm 327 3116 – 3118 327 3540 → 327 (9 + 3 + 1) * 25 + 2 Conundrum 450 11.25 pm 3116 – 3128 SLEEPWEAR SLEEPWEAR 3550 WERELAPSE

by Pei Yen (oxymoronish.tumblr.com)

488 Hour #25,11pm-12am

489 Hour #25,11pm-12am CLAIRE'S DATE #25 - DAN & NADIA (11pm)

My twenty-fifth and final date was quite the surprise. Yes folks, it was a threesome. Get in! The obliging folks in question were a fit hairy fellow called Dan, plucked from the audience, and a pretty Welsh-Iraqi comedienne, coincidentally the estranged girlfriend of Luke, date #16. We bundled off back to the bar, Dan chivalrously got a round of drinks in, and within ten minutes we'd decided to go on a jolly jaunt to EuroDisney together. This trippy triptych was obviously meant to be! Our short-lived romance ended the way all good first dates should end - by heading back into the theatre to watch Rufus Hound, dressed as a king, smash 28 eggs using a hammer gaffer taped to the end of his cock. Within minutes, Jonathan Ross and Adam hills had turned up, someone bid £12k to pie poor Tiernan Douieb in the face, and then it was midnight! In the same way that Cinderella's carriage turned into a pumpkin, everyone in the theatre descended into joyous anarchy. It was over. We could all sleep. For ever...and ever...and ever...! Well, maybe not forever, no-one actually died. Hurrah and huzzah on all counts!

At the end of those extraordinary 25 hours, Mark and co had racked up well over a staggering £42,000 for Red Nose Day, which I'm sure will continue to rise before the big day is over. I am delighted that I managed to contribute over £1600 to that fund from my 25 dates in 25 hours challenge, thanks to the amazing support of family, friends, fans of 52 First Dates, and my dates themselves. I've been overwhelmed by everyone's support for this bonkers quest, so just wanted to say a big thank you to everyone who humoured me.

It;'s been four days to the hour since my last date, and I've only just recovered from the experience and got round to bashing out this rather crude write up. Aesthetically, I still look pretty poor to say the least, having tried to explain the events of the 28th February through to 1st March a few times, I can confirm that my powers of coherent speech have not entirely returned to normal, and I physically feel like I've had a run in with the wrong end of a steam-roller. This 25 hour challenge was quite possibly one of the most bizarre, testing, hilarious, faith-restoring and life-affirming things I've ever participated in my life, But you know what? If that mad man Watson ever asked me to get on board with another one of his mammoth ball-breaking mind-bending extravaganzas, I'd say yes in a heartbeat. The man is nothing short of a superhero. Mark Watson, I salute you.

490 The Witching Hour The Witching Hour

@Andy_McClelland Spontaneous burst in to applause in front of my computer here. #25hours done. Amazing congratulations @watsoncomedian and everyone there.

And after…? Well. Could go home. But I only live a bus ride away. And that's the sort of knowledge that liberates a person into having a celebratory drink in the bar downstairs. Having been on-the- ball enough to get Robert a lift with South-driving Luke and Nadia, and regain my briefly lost shoes, it is the least I am owed. Oh and the whole 1,500 minutes of minutes thing. DRINK NOW PLEASE.

@RufusHound Rode home with my flies open. #coolingbreeze #muchneeded #25hours Thank you if you sponsored me. Money goes to the best place it could x

Pinball between splendids, from our little knot at the bar to Mark sitting husk-hunched at a table, with Nat and Josh and Yianni and Barney to yammer to inbetween. Mistake the green lights reflecting in Craine's hair for highlights, I so tired I'm sticking with the Chinese cat arm waving as my absolute highlight of the show, as that way I don't have to think any harder. On a perfect seesaw balance with drunken Tom Bell in my addlement, he happily reminiscing over being filmed by a Japanese documentary crew in their first year at University, the film-makers so certain the students bring shame on their families by prioritising clowning over courses. Thwarted by Jonathan Ross' bum in getting round to mates on one side of the bar - a first, that - I end up with Hills, whose fault that bum is and whose presence can assuage its ills. Beam at him, being so damned good at knowing in a show like this when to step-in and when to hold back, quietly supportive rather than limelight-hoggy; he says he and Brendon were discussing just this before the last one, and it's a way of participating that they are carefully striving for. And even while saying this, Adam is bringing someone into the conversation who was standing a little lost and out of earshot, something he does seemingly without thinking; you sneeze if you stare at the sun, you yawn if you see another person yawning263, and if someone isn't flying high you help boost them up. A metaphor which also works damn well to explain the public's collective generosity in giving to Comic Relief.

@sarahbennetto I owe @nadiakamil a story. Can someone make note of that in the minutes or something?

At some point, while I was failing to leave the bar, I was instructed by Dec that I am the perfect introduction to the Long Shows, for I apparently sold this gig to him as a thing that is great even though there can be great swathes of time where nothing happens. Heh. I'm just happy we didn't spend any time trying to change time itself, and concentrated on trying to effect still more positive change. And not just for the goats264.

@25HourChihuahua Well that flew by.

And then home, and sleep, and to a trombonist's birthday where I will do the cat-arm thing again and sing Krishnan's lyrics to the news and generally try to convey exhausted glee while knowing the thing I really need to do is whittle down the 4,000ish photos (and assorted videos) into a more manageable 2,000ish, and commence the write-up that the gig deserved…

263 Or even read the word 'yawn'. Yawn yawn yawn.

264 We raised £58,334 for Comic Relief, reported Adam Hills on 's 'Big Chat' marathon (a mere six hours of live television). Mark subsequently tweeting that with late donations "we've sneaked over

£60,000 from the 25-hour show: 0.08% of the @rednoseday total". Amazing amazing amazing.

491 Pull Your Trousers Up!

by Pei Yen (oxymoronish.tumblr.com)

492 Mark in

My 25 hours of being funny for money

In 2009 the comedian Mark Watson vowed that he would be doing no more sanity-threatening marathon shows. Here he explains how he spectacularly broke his own promise in aid of this year's Red Nose Day http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/comedy/features/my-25-hours-of-being-funny-for-money-8531647.html

Shortly before midnight on 1 March, I "Do something funny for money" has been surveyed the scene from the stage of the Red Nose Day's rallying cry for some time, Pleasance Theatre in Islington, north but not everyone takes those words to London. I had been on that stage for 24 heart in quite this manner. hours and 45 minutes consecutively, only escaping from it when I took the audience Admittedly, it wasn't the first time in my out into the forecourt at 6.30am to give career I had done something as ill-advised them a glimpse of the sun rising. as this, and in the past I didn't even have the excuse of charity. Now, members of that audience – most of The "marathon show" accidentally became whom had also been here throughout the my trademark in the last decade, when 25 hours – were in various states of what began as a whimsical stunt at the disarray. Some were asleep or nearly so; 2004 Edinburgh Fringe snowballed into a others were notionally awake, but seemed psychologically punishing annual tradition. to have little idea of what they were experiencing; some wore the strained I performed 33-hour and even 36-hour cheer of hostages thinking it better to stay shows, showing scant regard for my on their captor's good side; and a good wellbeing, that of my family, and of course number seemed absolutely normal and of the audiences who stupidly continued to bright. attend these monstrous exhibitions of attention-seeking. On the stage itself was a woman in a tent, who had been there as long as I had; a They were never exactly stand-up comedy man in a onesie whose sallow, red-eyed shows: to interviewers who asked how I face had been custard-pied 24 times; a was planning to generate enough couple of people who had just played 407 "material" to get through the hours, I would consecutive rounds of Countdown; and a often merrily reply that I generally well-known comedian who was about to managed it without any jokes at all. It was perform an obscene feat involving eggs half true. There were jokes, all right, but and his genitals, in exchange for they all arose from the audience's growing contributions totalling £2,500. complicity in a Sixties-style "happening". We had just auctioned a piece of paper, The show rapidly became, as it were, salvaged by Krishnan Guru-Murthy from a about itself, developing its own culture of bin, for £100. Strewn across the space in in-jokes and references, until a newcomer front of me were – among other things – walking in towards the end would get the party poppers, Babybel wrappers, and the impression they'd entered an entirely remains of a lasagne I had attempted to different country. eat in the 18th hour of my performance. Or a madhouse.

493 Mark in The Independent This was all very well, but after seven of One of the pies was administered by a these shows in Edinburgh and Melbourne, pair of professional clowns, who then I felt I'd made my point: that point being dumped him in a bath of custard for good that I was an idiot, prepared to sacrifice measure. Normally this would be an odd my voice and large portions of my sanity moment in a show, but at the 14-hour in a quest for what passes as love from mark of this one, the audience barely people too tired to know better. In 2009, turned a hair. after a total of 189 hours on stage, I announced that I was leaving the arena of With all this activity, the Pleasance by the the medically unwise endurance show. end had an atmosphere somewhere Never again would I perform for so long between a correctional facility, a primary that many spectators arrived with sleeping school, a circus tent and – though less bags and food supplies; for so long that obviously – a comedy venue. I, as usual audience members could – as someone on these occasions, went through an once did – go to France and still make it unpredictable gradient of emotions. There back in time for the climax. was relief that things were somehow But then came the request from Comic working out, concern for my shredding Relief to revive the day-long format for voice, a kind of benevolent capitalist charity. Actually, slightly more than a day: fervour at the sight of the Comic Relief 25 hours to mark their 25 years in tally skyrocketing, and from time to time – existence. While ennobling what had as I admitted out loud when Jennifer always previously been a massive Saunders was in the process of bidding exercise in self-indulgence, the charity £1,000 for Emma Kennedy to urinate on aspect introduced some new pressures. A stage – absolute confusion as to the live internet feed would mean the content question: '"How did I cause these things to would have to be at least partly happen?" But at the bottom of it all was a comprehensible to the casual viewer. And, woozy pride. in order to entice people into donating, As we were reminded by a visiting Richard some of it would even have to be good. I'd Curtis – one of the more dignified figures never worried about that sort of thing to stand on the increasingly squalid stage before. – Simon Amstell, David Schneider, Janet Ellis, Adam Hills, Josh Widdicombe and Luckily, I wasn't alone. A couple of Jonathan Ross were among the many appeals via Twitter and my blog led to others who also called in – even 50p can some astounding suggestions for 25-hour help to provide essential inoculations in challenges which would run alongside the areas of Africa where Comic Relief mine. One man, Oliver Fisher, watched works; £10 or £20 can provide food, the execrable film Beverly Hills Chihuahua counselling and support for desperate on a loop, chalking up 14 viewings; even people in that continent and in the UK. by the end of the second, he was visibly With that in mind, our overall total – weakening. There was a 25-hour £58,334 at the last count – feels like piggyback and a 25-hour hug (the latter something to be happy with, even if ratified as a Guinness World Record). having stood on stage for 25 hours is less There were houses made out of cake, an achievement than a sort of comedic cry there were day-long baths, 25-hour dating for help. marathons; there was busking, knitting, Previous shows proved that I could and that custard-pie-enduring feat. perform for a very long time. This one Tiernan Douieb raised more than £1,500 proved that many other people can, too, by taking a pie in the eyes to mark the turn and that the sum total of their seemingly of each hour, while also trying to learn the pointless efforts can be a stupid but piano from scratch in the allotted time. valuable one.

494 Index INDEX

Aisling Bea, 28 A Alex Sweetnam Aberystwyth improvisers, 106, 112 auditions for The Last Leg, 85 called by Mark, 112, 113, 335 Ali McGregor, 254 acronym fun covers Creep, 257 KGM, 409 Alison Moyet PMG, 24 phones in, 348, 349 SOFP, 47 playing Draw Something with Emma WIG, 44 Kennedy, 54 Adam Hess, 26, 29, 36, 92, 105, 120, 130, 137, 157, 199, 206, 347, 353 Hess Test, 146, 189 Jess Dresses Hess, 331, 336 knows Pi, 153, 200, 201 very good at Twitter, 26 Adam Hills, 13, 45, 46, 50, 61, 83, 89, 91, 224, 234, 237, 259, 265, 266, 272, 435, 476, 478, 481 bidding up, 481 boob satire, 60 explains rude words to his tiny daughter, 247 hashtag fun, 47 helpful, 46, 58, 229 hyping Hound, 477 on the telly, 449, 452 pastry distribution, 225 Andrew McClelland, 68, 136 pies Tiernan Douieb, 233 commissioned to write a song, 117 running auditions for The Last Leg, 48, 85, live on Skype, 138, 139, 140, 141 86, 268, 269, 270, 272 sings for us, 140 running his mouth off, 47 Andrew Scherer running a marathon, 80, 119, 360, 457 Andy Riley, 172 draws Bunny Suicides, 173, 181, 183, 184, 185 anecdote an unnamed actress' poo problems, 374 Brian Blessed's flying poo, 374 burglary suspect sought in school, 413 Griff Rhys-Jones and the goats, 241 misreading a delicatessen sign, 410 Ronni Ancona impersonating Kate Moss for Richard Curtis, 210 Anthony Alderson bidding on bounty, 444, 461, 462

B Barney Curtis, 13, 45, 92, 109, 136, 151, 154, 173, 208, 459 helpful, 29, 47, 120, 122, 158, 173, 191, 207, 250, 359, 375, 448

495 Index

horsing around, 435 C inverted comma fun, 135 cake house, 191, 215 the new Manilow, 47, 52, 459 a mere dream, 53, 81, 83, 184, 188 unhelpful, 220 a sizable reality, 452 veteran, 20 as big as Prince, 452 Ben Target, 155, 168 gains in size, 210, 212, 300 rearranges flowers, 155, 156, 157 inadvertently trampled, 459 besmirching the name of insulted by Jonathan Ross, 481 Hess' dress sense, 331 threatened by Tiernan Douieb, 465, 483 John Leslie, 420 used as bribery, 90 Lego, 41 cat waving, 417 Old Kent Road, 81, 190, 217, 218, 220,

257 Ray's copper colleagues, 50 Richard Herring, 420 the sun, 161, 335 TV people, 47, 48 better huggers than Caesar, 235 Beverly Hills Chihuahua, 477 benchmark for pain, 126, 127 benchmark for time, 111, 117 perfect for acting auditions, 359, 395, 397, 398, 399 repeatedly watched by Oliver Fisher, 80, 101, 108, 109, 126, 127, 161, 167, 247, 278, 279, 283, 284, 336, 359, 399, 471, 472, 473, 476 subject of poetry, 252 celebrity phone-call suggestion for Aberystwyth improvisers, Alison Moyet, 348, 349 112 Bob Geldof, 266 Big Three, The, 20, 126, 384 Davina McCall, 209 Bob Geldof Gary Lineker, 224 coke helpfulness, 266, 287 Jonathan Ross, 248, 249 phones in, 266 Lenny Henry, 287 bobblehead bust of Sigmund Freud, 138 Matt Smith, 262, 263 Brett Vincent, 424 Charley March, 476 balloon plotting, 120, 128, 152, 176, 177, 292, 296, 298, 320, 350 big cat plotting, 119, 128, 176, 320, 344, 350 bucket list quests, 70, 72, 74, 119, 120, 128, 130, 151, 152, 172, 176, 177, 237, 266, 292, 296, 298, 320, 344, 350, 449, 451 hugger monitoring, 128, 151 interviews Rufus Hound, 72, 74 sitting for a painting, 119, 130, 151 Twitter flashmob plotting, 119, 120 wants a boat party, 172, 266

wants to be in a TV audience, 237, 449, Britannia Primary School children 451 are here, 380, 381, 382 cheese are set lessons, 80, 136, 153, 184, 191, despised by Watson, 159, 244, 333, 334 289, 379 eaten by Watson, 334 burritos only good as a binding agent, 70, 431 impending, 237, 240 Chris Jones, 146, 189, 207, 208, 209, 220, present, 278, 279 286, 320, 344

496 Index

Christian Knowles, 172 D Christopher Dan Woodrow, 184, 380, 381, 382 auditions for The Last Leg, 85, 145, 150, dance 268, 270, 272, 397, 399 Countdown theme tune, 436 Claire Travers-Smith, 24, 336, 337 Harlem Shake, 203, 205, 206 dating blog, 34, 57, 76, 95, 116, 134, 148, New Art Club, 284, 285, 371, 373 164, 180, 198, 214, 231, 261, 282, 302, Danger is his middle name, 203 324, 341, 363, 388, 406, 423, 442, 455, Danielle Goldstein, 92, 114, 339, 466 469, 490 making a pie, 27, 74 gets given de-icer, 327 pies Tiernan Douieb, 58, 77, 96, 199, 215, had fun downstairs, 68 232, 283 reporting on her dating Challenge, 25, 68, David Schneider, 182, 183 69, 106, 247, 286, 335, 336, 417, 418, Creme Egg eater, 194 476 Creme Egg eating challenge suggestor, set up with a new date from the audience, 190, 191, 193 107, 420, 451, 471 croissant feeder, 182, 184, 185, 186 waved at, 417 croissant flinger, 186 classical allusions Davina McCall Apollo's mucky past, 444 phones in, 209 Atlas, 438 Dec Munro, 20, 23, 92, 126, 128, 208, 263, Boreas the North wind, 457 284, 311, 314, 360, 380, 438, 452 Cupid's arrows, 337 bringer of bounty, 191, 374 Furies, 459 patiently indulgent, 101, 144, 457 Hilaritas, 435 wants an Emma Kennedy, 409, 418, 452 the death of Heraclitus, 36 dog the sword of Damocles, 183 analogised, 29 Corry Shaw, 50, 66, 408, 458, 459 Beagle (man), 263, 265 does not feed Mark a possum, 154 fictional, blacksmith, 314 helpful, 73, 83, 120, 128, 136, 143, 154, fictional, in Aberystwyth, 113 155, 161, 172, 194, 215, 223, 266, 320, hallucinated, 377 353, 395, 466 on Skype, 202 quizzes Ray, 414 serenaded, 459 E

Emily Watson Howes, 186, 309, 416 Emma Freud, 210, 211, 223, 224 fruity terror, 210

Countdown Mark versus Innis, 40, 162, 167, 311, 312, 436, 437, 473, 474, 475 tile up for auction, 439, 444 cover version Barry Manilow's Copacabana, 459 Lord Baden-Powell's Ging Gang Goolie, 265 Men At Work's Down Under, 140 Radiohead's Creep, 257 The Beatles' When I'm 64, 382 TLC's No Scrubs, 402 Emma Jones, 187, 300, 321 Creme Egg eating challenge, 194 pies Tiernan Douieb, 325

497 Index

Emma Kennedy, 24, 31, 36, 40, 54, 77, 114, Dead Poet's Society, 362 141, 143, 154, 159, 161, 169, 191, 273, Drop Dead Fred, 347 277, 305, 320, 334, 337, 346, 407, 410, Gremlins, 340 414, 418, 446, 452, 460, 466, 475, 476 Heathers, 82 auctions a SheWee, 460 Home Alone, 114 does not poo onstage, 191 Jurassic Park, 265, 441 fundraising with urination, 142, 224, 250, Lord of the Rings, 119 346, 351, 353 Marley & Me, 109 fundraising without urination, 30, 52, 59, Pinocchio, 371 63, 69, 82, 113, 158, 160, 203, 265, 317, Return of the Jedi, 52, 298 339, 343, 429 Return To Oz, 284 furious over Luke's temptress ways, 319 Sense & Sensibility, 346 helpful, 83, 101, 135, 237, 240, 263, 266, Stephen King's IT, 287 269, 339, 395, 421, 424, 427, 428, 429, The Boat That Rocked, 82 430, 446 The Dark Crystal, 476 is amazingly generous, 311 The Life Of Pi, 131, 320 kills off Zach Braff, 438 There's Something About Mary, 139 knows EVERYBODY, 72, 73, 74, 113, 120, This Is Spinal Tap, 184 146, 159, 172, 173, 182, 185, 188, 190, Up, 120 199, 201, 203, 220, 224, 265, 277, 291, Fred Macauley 329, 347, 348 interviews Mark, 227 matchmaker, 154, 336, 337, 344, 420, 451 on a date with Misha, 320, 327 playing Draw Something with Alison Moyet, 54 poo anecdotalist, 374, 375 promises a unicycling Katy Brand, 52 reminisces about a Frenchman's cock, 65 sexually deranged, 452, 457 somehow got a balloon haplorhine, 295 Eric Lampaert, 175 blaggardly, 190 grubby minded, 190 Monopolist, 188, 190, 215, 220, 254, 256, 257

G Gary Lineker has tweeted #goMark, 241 phones in, 224 gay fun, 319 Gemma auditions for The Last Leg, 85, 144, 150, 268 judges The Last Leg audition, 144, 145, 150 potential romance with Chris Jones, 146, 207, 208, 209, 220, 286, 320 F Giles Wakely, 44, 77, 78, 92, 122, 135, 172, 173, 184, 190, 194, 209, 263, 314, 402, filmic allusions 446, 466 Amelie, 47 Norwich bath lady news, 37, 60, 68 Batman, 265 Veet wisdom, 143 Beauty & The Beast, 259 wants Markus' mural, 461 Brief Encounter, 401 Groupon, 120, 136, 137, 168, 273, 327, 331, Bugsy Malone, 286 335

498 Index

interviews comics, 71, 74, 396 interviews The Last Leg auditionees, 268, 269, 270, 272 Jane Garvey brings cake, 212 interviews Mark, 215 Janet Ellis, 249, 250 Jennifer Saunders, 345 pants hand-out, 346 piss mistress, 345, 346, 353 Jenny Watkinson angling for cake, 53, 81, 210 has finished her cake house, 452 H Joe Lycett, 317 can't get dick, 343 Helen Backhouse 'FEEDING A DONUT TO OLIVER', 336 Monopolist, 190, 287 Krispy Kreme distributor, 315, 318 Holli Dillon, 17, 240, 278, 351, 386, 431, 446 wants a gay date, 318, 319, 336, 343 pies Tiernan Douieb, 389 John Bishop Holly, 218 live on Skype, 403, 407 carried by Jack, 38, 39, 83, 153, 186, 194, John Dorney, 459 448, 476 John-Luke Roberts, 402, 460 standing on Jack, 371 barracked by Emma Kennedy, 319 hugging feeds Mark Watson, 99 flashmob at King's Cross, 254 has an epiphany, 458 Mark Watson and Zahid Fayyaz, 171, 172, on a trial separation from Nadia Kamil, 80, 173, 175, 181, 182, 183, 184, 186 99, 101, 107, 130, 318, 319, 327, 335, Mark Watson and Zahid Fayyaz and 336, 401, 450, 451 Barney Curtis, 173 rebounds with Claire Travers-Smith, 107, mental, 262 327, 335, 336 Mikey and Sanderson, 23, 24, 91, 111, rebounds with Joe Lycett, 318, 319, 401 168, 234, 235, 236 rebounds with Mark Watson, 101 Johnny I Official Blagger, 128, 173, 403, 459 Innis Carson Jonathan Ross Countdown marathon, 162, 167, 311, 312, aghast at proceedings, 480, 481 436, 437, 473, 474, 475 auction fun, 481, 482 inverted comma fun, 135, 151, 336 insulting to Tiernan Douieb, 481 phones in, 248, 249 J Josh Widdicombe, 482

Jack Kenny carries Holly, 38, 39, 83, 153, 194, 371, 448, 476 Creme Egg eater, 194 fed by David Schneider, 186 James Dowdeswell Flashmob hugging, 254, 275 helpful, 44, 109, 240, 347 James Farrimond, 402 busking and world-record breaking, 23, 127, 128, 216, 277, 287, 317, 328, 401 pies Tiernan Douieb, 403, 407 James Franco K sends us a video message, 274, 275 Kate Webster, 154, 310, 344 James Walker auditions for The Last Leg, 85, 145, 150, asks Rufus 'what do you like?', 74 268, 269, 272, 397, 398, 399

499 Index

has internet news, 29, 81, 136, 173, 237, William Congreve's Mourning Bride, 438 465, 471 live on BBC Krishnan Guru-Murthy, 427, 430 Radio 5Live, 470 auctions the news, 429 Radio 6music, 184, 185 reads news, 428, 429 Radio Scotland, 227 sings his theme tune, 427 Radio2, 314, 315 Radio4, 215, 265, 273 L lyrical allusions Lauren Laverne, 360, 366, 368, 379 Barry Adamson's Set The Controls For The commends neologists, 376 Heart Of The Pelvis, 371 helpful, 185, 191, 375, 378, 385, 395 Bonnie's Tyler's Total Eclipse of the Heart, pies Tiernan Douieb, 364 293 troubled by art, 370 Brecht & Weill's Pirate Jenny, 81 Lego, 41, 278, 370, 474 Doris Day's Que Sera, Sera (Whatever Will Lenny Henry Be, Will Be), 446 phones in, 287 Evelyn Evelyn's Chicken Man, 65 literary allusions Gary Le Strange's Secret Wolf, 60 A.A. Milne's Winnie The Pooh, 151, 268 Hole's Doll Parts, 53 Anthony Burgess' A Clockwork Orange, MC Hammer's U Can't Touch This, 371 161, 399 Neil Gaiman's I Google You, 84 Arthur C Clarke's 2001, 202 Peter Gabriel's Sledgehammer, 463 Cicely Mary Barker's Flower Fairies, 402 Snow's Informer, 427 Dan Brown's Da Vinci Code, 138 The Beatles When I'm 64, 382 Douglas Adams and John Lloyd's The Tom Basden’s Millionaire, 223 Meaning Of Liff, 47, 50, 106, 123, 191, M 327, 343, 348, 376, 385, 478 E.L. James' 50 Shades of Grey, 138 Marco, 418 E.P. Evans' The Criminal Prosecution and dates Claire, 107 Capital Punishment of Animals, 370 judges The Last Leg audition, 144, 145, Friedrich Nietzsche's Also Sprach 150 Zarathustra, 66 Official Blagger, 128, 173, 459 George Orwell’s Keep the Aspidistra Mark Deeks, 161 Flying, 109 Countdown marathon, 162, 167, 311, 312, George Orwell's 1984, 449 436, 437, 473, 474, 475 Gideon Defoe's Pirates!, 380 Gideon Defoe's The Pirates! In An Adventure with the Romantics, 293 God's The Bible, 153 Goscinny & Uderzo's Asterix, 291, 323 H.P. Lovecraft's Call of Cthulu, 101 Harper Lee's To Kill A Mockingbird, 393 J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter, 81, 161, 362, 457 J.R.R. Tolkien's The Hobbit, 103, 173 J.R.R.Tolkien's Lord Of The Rings, 161 Jasper Fforde's The Fourth Bear, 380 John Allison's ScaryGoRound, 287 L.Frank Baum's Wizard Of Oz, 327 Michael Crichton's Jurassic Park, 265, 441 Private Eye's Polly Filler, 215 Rick Riordan's Percy Jackson, 81 Mark Watson Roald Dahl's Charlie & The Chocolate AKA Dave Groupon, 136 Factory, 70, 74 blesses the ill, 19 Shakespeare's Henry V, 397 derides cheese, 70, 159, 244, 279, 333, Shakespeare's Macbeth, 27 334, 335 Stephen King's IT, 287 directly pleading for Braff, 90 's , 242 drumming, 293

500 Index

eats lasagne, is happy, 431 playing Face Charades, 168 gets to talk to Gary Lineker, 224 Minister of Cheer, 138 got all egg on self, 480 Misha Anker, 52, 55, 127, 320 has his first glass of wine, 395 arachnaphobic, 278 hates passive honey, 249 banana offerer, 101 hugged by The Doctor in his mind, 262 clown spotter, 287 hugging Zahid Fayyaz for an hour, 171, knitting, 44, 80, 105, 159, 394, 446, 474 172, 173, 175, 181, 182, 183, 184, 186 on a date with Emma, 320, 327 interviewed by Yianni Agisilaou as though Mitch Benn, 317, 321 he is Krishnan Guru-Murthy, 409 fishes for song suggestions, 327 interviewed live on the radio, 184, 185, sings a song, 331 215, 227, 273, 314, 315 Mr Fip's Wonder Circus' custard clowns, 298, John-Luke Roberts' new phone wallpaper, 300, 303, 304, 305, 307, 309 101 likes a single knot, 136 N made to feel up an OBE, 210 Nadia Kamil not Welsh, 46, 183 not in the McDonalds advert, 401 provides live commentary, 40, 96, 157, offering out handjobs, 247, 451 186, 325, 346, 424, 431, 436, 458, 459 on a trial separation from John-Luke reckons 'sleeping is for twats', 149 Roberts, 247, 448, 450, 451, 471 records a message for Great Ormond rebounds with Claire Travers-Smith, 451, Street Hospital, 349 471 sassing Rufus Hound, 63 Nat Luurtsema, 141, 155 threatens to send a woman to France, 153 becoming more of an adult, 103, 105 wants to give matador art to Krishnan slagging a tiger, 119 Guru-Murthy, 330 New Art Club, 284, 285, 371, 373 Markus Birdman, 172, 201 news, the heckles Yianni's hairiness, 123 from Krishnan Guru-Murthy, 428, 429 mural artist, 64, 90, 92, 123, 136, 154, 201, from Penny Smith, 218, 219, 220 223, 314, 317, 334, 335, 353 O Oliver Fisher, 318 being FED A DONUT BY JOE LYCETT wink wink, 336 reporting on Beverly Hills Chihuahua, 108, 109, 167, 278, 279, 283, 284, 359, 472, 473 to direct Beverly Hills Chihuahua monologues, 359 to judge Beverly Hills Chihuahua monologues, 399

watching Beverly Hills Chihuahua, 80, 101, Mat Ricardo, 353 108, 109, 126, 127, 161, 167, 247, 278, gamely ignores a pissing woman, 353 279, 283, 284, 336, 359, 471, 472, 473, trickster, 355, 356 476 Matt Blair, 293 onesie wearers' Happiness Rating, 40, 137 Matt Smith our 'vagina' dreams are over, 436 phones in, 262, 263 Mel Reardon, 14, 44, 114, 161, 181, 185, 417 P given pants by Jennifer Saunders, 346 offers hummous to Tiernan, 191 pants hand-out, 346 phone pool player, 120 party cannon, 242, 244, 246, 273, 486 spotting a stalker, 154 Patrick Kielty Mikey Lear, 309 interviews Mark, 314, 315 gone a bit weird in the lobby, 151 the William Webb Ellis of metaphors, 315 marathon hugger, 23, 24, 91, 111, 168, Patrick Monahan, 172, 209, 276, 277 234, 235, 236 hugs everyone, 268

501 Index

Paul Sweeney, 175, 190 Monopolist, 188, 190, 215, 220, 254, 256, 257 Pei Yen's drawings, 18, 43, 51, 62, 98, 118, 129, 170, 174, 192, 226, 243, 264, 294, 297, 316, 367, 392, 419, 432, 445, 464, 489, 492 Penny Smith reads news, 218, 219, 220 Pete Shenton New Art Club, 284, 285, 371, 373 Peter White interviews Mark, 273 Pierre Novellie, 119, 168 given an artistic commission, 29, 119, 130, 151, 287, 330, 457 Rachel Riley, 414, 418, 424, 456, 473 has finished a masterwork, 92, 130, 151, 221, Countdown host, 436, 437, 473, 475 291, 330, 338, 370, 457 in art (lightly satanic), 338, 370, 414 kleptomaniac, 415, 430, 439, 444 pies Tiernan Douieb, 421, 424 versus Yianni Agisilaou, 424, 425, 426, 431, 433, 434 Rafferty Basil Danger Wills, 203 Raven George, dismissed for eating television aerials, 384 Ray Rob Lain, 29, 278, 410, 414, 418, 427, 434, 446 blooming loves an auction, 28, 427, 429, 444 copper tales, 410, 413, 414 gains Ross closure, 481 knows of a pool table in Cobham, 81 possible wee pedantic, 28, 50 mustering, 351 perving on Jessie J, 393 on the floor, 143 Ross fury, 52, 86, 414 Prince Richard Curtis, 240, 241, 262 as a unit of size, 452 does not cry, 240 goat chat, 241 Q pterodactyl joke, 241 Richard Flanagan, 453 quoted pies Tiernan Douieb, 456 Adam Hess, 26 veteran, 20 Albert Camus, 46 Richard Herring Ben Toone, 181 could once be called upon to bang a lady in Donald Nannestad, 46 need, 420 Donald Rumsfeld, 20 wants to be Pope, 219 Douglas Adams, 296 Richard Tyrone-Jones Gareth Branwyn, 435 buys Carol's t-shirt, 461 Jay Hunt, 450 reading poetry, 250 Margaret Thatcher, 293 Rob Palk, 59, 68, 70, 171, 292, 416 Richard Herring, 219 bringer of bounty, 199 Simon Munnery, 374 has lost Mark's credit card, 338 R has not lost Mark's credit card, 338 lookalike fun, 42, 44, 45, 65, 69, 70, 199, Rachel Backhouse 217, 266, 320, 335, 338, 349 Monopolist, 190, 287 Robert Wells, 13, 14, 26, 80, 185, 247, 433, Rachel Parris, 265 473, 476

502 Index

bringer of bounty, 114, 254 rehearses for Wembley, 391, 393, 394 sagely noting muppetiness, 140 Skype chat StoryBox client, 446 Andrew McClelland, 138, 139, 140, 141 Rufus Hound, 52, 60, 64, 66, 69, 73, 85, 463, John Bishop, 403, 407 466, 475, 481 The Boy With Tape On His Face, 97, 202, cockhammer, 478, 479 203, 395, 396 explains his intentions, 65 The Little Boy With Tape Near His Face, helpful, 44, 83, 87, 89, 465, 466, 471, 473 203 interviewed, 72, 74 Spare Bear, 47, 82, 128 is loath to explain his intentions, 59, 63 Sponsored Challenge, 21, 22 rallies for sponsorship money, 66, 466, 474 Aberystwyth improv, 106, 112, 113, 335 set for smashing, 477, 478 Andrew runs a marathon, 80, 119, 360, subject of Yianni's pube maths, 123 457 unhelpful, 68, 77 Britannia Primary School's 25 lessons, 71, very pro-amplification, 66, 68, 69, 72, 473, 80, 136, 153, 184, 191, 289, 379, 380, 481 381, 382 Charley's bucket list quests, 70, 72, 74, S 119, 120, 128, 130, 151, 152, 172, 176, Sam Wills. See The Boy With Tape On His 177, 237, 266, 292, 296, 298, 320, 344, Face 350, 449, 451, 476 Sanderson Jones, 101 Claire's 25 dates, 24, 25, 68, 69, 106, 107, marathon hugger, 23, 24, 91, 111, 168, 247, 286, 327, 335, 336, 337, 417, 418, 234, 235, 236 420, 451, 471, 476 Countdown marathon, 39, 40, 161, 162, 167, 279, 309, 311, 312, 436, 437, 456, 473, 474, 475 Emma's tented stay, 30, 36, 37, 40, 52, 82, 111, 114, 120, 142, 143, 158, 159, 161, 172, 173, 182, 185, 188, 190, 191, 250, 351, 353, 429 Jack and Holly's piggyback, 38, 39, 83, 153, 186, 194, 218, 371, 448, 476 James' busking, 23, 127, 128, 216, 277, 287, 291, 317, 328, 401, 402 James' chat, 71, 74, 203, 268, 269, 270, 272, 396 playing Face Charades, 168 Jenny's cake house, 53, 81, 83, 90, 184, Sarah Bennetto, 107, 117, 119, 451 188, 191, 210, 212, 215, 268, 300, 452, set on Zach Braff acquisition, 83, 84, 119, 456, 459, 465, 481, 483 126 Joe's gay date, 318, 319, 336, 343, 401 Storybox5000, 78, 446, 450 John-Luke and Nadia's trial separation, 80, Saskia, 476 99, 101, 107, 130, 247, 318, 319, 327, auditions for The Last Leg, 85, 145, 150, 335, 336, 401, 448, 450, 451, 471 268, 272, 397, 398, 399 Lego car building, 41, 278, 370, 474 on the telly, 452 Markus' mural, 64, 90, 92, 123, 136, 154, sex fun, 451 201, 223, 314, 317, 334, 335, 353, 385, Shaun Keaveny 461, 462, 463 interviews Mark, 184, 185 SheWee, 30, 141, 346, 460 auctioned by Emma Kennedy, 460 used by Emma Kennedy, 250, 353 Simon judges The Last Leg audition, 144, 145, 150 Simon Amstell lightly insulting+/awkward, 391, 393, 394, 395

503 Index

Mikey and Sanderson's marathon hug, 23, Bottom, 371 24, 91, 111, 168, 234, 235, 236 Brass Eye, 83 Misha's knitting, 80, 105, 159, 394, 446 Byker Grove, 59 Monopolists, 81, 188, 190, 215, 220, 254, Columbo, 217 256, 257, 287 Community, 40 Nat's adultness, 103, 105, 119, 120 Dawson's Creek, 286 Oliver watches Beverly Hills Chihuahua, Doctor Who, 66, 173 80, 101, 108, 109, 126, 127, 161, 167, Either/Or, 452 247, 278, 279, 283, 284, 336, 359, 399, Frozen Planet, 218 471, 472, 473, 476 Jackanory, 374 Pierre's paintings, 29, 92, 119, 130, 151, Maid Marian & Her Merry Men, 270 168, 190, 221, 287, 291, 330, 338, 370, Phoenix Nights, 270 414, 457 Record Breakers, 99 Richard's poetry, 250 Round The Twist, 149 Robert's songs, 80 Smurfs, 481 Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles, 414 Terrorhawks, 476 The Chase, 23 The Chipmunks, 239 The Muppet Show, 473 Thundercats, 281 TOWIE, 468 Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, 223 Yogi Bear, 371 The Boy With Tape On His Face interviewed by James Walker, 396 sponsored silence, 97, 202, 203, 395, 396

Rob's lookalikeness, 42, 44, 45, 65, 69, 70, 154, 171, 199, 217, 266, 292, 320, 335, 338, 349, 416 Rufus' egg fun, 65, 66, 69, 72, 81, 190, 330, 337, 339, 346, 347, 366, 384, 395, 407, 465, 466, 474, 477, 478, 479 TapeFace's sponsored silence, 97, 202, 203, 395, 396 Thesps sitcom, 106, 218, 448 Tiernan's piano and pie fun, 26, 27, 29, 35, 36, 55, 58, 72, 74, 77, 89, 92, 96, 109, 114, 117, 131, 135, 149, 156, 165, 177, the whole footnotes business gets a bit 181, 199, 212, 215, 229, 232, 259, 262, ludicrous if I'm honest, 293 265, 279, 283, 298, 300, 303, 304, 305, Thesps sitcom 307, 320, 321, 325, 342, 347, 364, 389, ideas sought, 106 403, 407, 409, 421, 424, 443, 452, 456, seen onscreen, 218, 448 470, 483 Tiernan Douieb, 25, 27, 119, 143, 159, 298, Yianni's maths, 37, 66, 122, 123, 126, 127, 307, 326, 435, 450, 452, 465, 483 152, 176, 201, 289, 291, 296, 408, 446, auctioneer, 459 472 Creme Egg eater, 194 Zoe's in a bath, 23, 60, 68, 320, 476 falling in custard, 307 Storybox5000, 78, 446, 450 Harlem Shaker, 203, 205, 206 helpful, 119, 128, 137, 154, 156, 172, 241, T 320, 347, 368, 375, 379, 382, 385, 438 insulted by Jonathan Ross, 481 televisual allusions knows pie, 153 24, 27 piano player, 26, 27, 29, 72, 74, 89, 109, , 82 156, 265, 320, 347

504 Index

pie arena, 55, 74, 92, 114, 131, 146, 177, weeing onstage, 142, 250, 353 212, 229, 259, 279, 300, 321, 403, 421 William Shatner, 100 pied by clowns, 303, 304, 305, 307 pied in the face, 35, 58, 77, 96, 117, 135, Y 149, 165, 181, 199, 215, 232, 262, 283, Yianni Agisilaou, 37, 68, 172, 240, 278, 320, 303, 304, 305, 325, 342, 364, 389, 407, 424 424, 443, 456, 470, 483 does maths at/for us, 66, 122, 123, 126, sings No Scrubs, 402 127, 289, 291, 446, 472 uncomfortable, 36, 409 interviews Mark Watson as though he is unhelpful, 153, 382 Krishnan Guru-Murthy, 409 warmly greeted by Jonathan Ross, 481 maths off, 417, 424, 425, 426, 431, 433, 434 takes a maths commission, 37, 66, 127, 152, 201, 296, 408 versus Mark Watson, 417 versus Rachel Riley, 424, 425, 426, 431, 433, 434 yodelling, 215

Z Zach Braff, 449 plotted for, 83, 87, 89, 90, 100, 109, 139, 182, 190, 199, 201, 206, 254, 449 reviled, 438, 446, 450, 452 sends us a video message, 274, 275 serenaded in song, 402

subject of poetry, 253 Tim Key, 16, 135, 457, 470 Zahid Fayyaz, 177 best at auctions, 444, 458, 459, 461, 462, auditions for The Last Leg, 85 463, 481 hugging Mark Watson for an hour, 171, Tom Bell, 426, 460 172, 173, 175, 181, 182, 183, 184, 186 bearer of news, 409 hugging Rachel Riley, 418 diver, 433 Zarte Siempre doer of maths, 434 Countdown scoremaster, 162, 167, 312, spotter of numberplates, 409, 430 437, 473, 474, 475 Tom Roden Zoë Fell, 114, 128, 151, 309, 408 New Art Club, 284, 285, 371, 373 auditions for The Last Leg, 85, 145, 150 shoelace help, 136 U word help, 41, 83 up to his TITS in custard, 305 Zoe Groom in a bath, 23, 60, 68, 320, 476 V Vikki Stone, 293 serenades us, 293 virgin news!, 395

W Wake-Modell family Lego car builders, 41, 278, 370, 474 webcomic allusions David Malki's Wondermark, 387 Hugh Murphy's T-rex Trying, 221 John Allison's ScaryGoRound, 287 MarriedToTheSea, 298 Randall Munroe's XKCD, 78

505

ACHIEVED!