ON BEHALF OF THE WORKING CLASSES

THE COMEDY CARPET GORDON YOUNG & WHY NOT ASSOCIATES

LAUGH... I THOUGHT MY TROUSERS WOULD NEVER DRY THE COMEDY CARPET GUIDE

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WE OFTEN COME TO SEE 6 11 THE WIFE’S MOTHER HERE. SHE LIVES IN , 7 12

BUT SHE LOOKS BETTER 1 2 3 4 5 13 FROM BLACKPOOL. 8 9 14

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1. TOMMY COOPER 2. 3. & WISE 4. LES DAWSON 5. 6. CONTEMPORARY 7. DOUBLE ACTS 8. B 9. HUMPHRIES / HANCOCK / MILLIGAN / KAY 10. RADIO 11. 12. 13. REGIONAL / INTERNATIONAL 14. HISTORY A 15. CATCHPHRASES B 16. TELEVISION A 17. CATCHPHRASES A 18. FILM 19. CONNOLLY / COOK / WOOD 20. HISTORY B RUNS THROUGH BLACKPOOL LIKE THE TOWN’S NAME RUNS THROUGH A STICK OF ROCK.

With the tourists came the , a double- act stretching from the teeming early music halls to post-war end of pier matinees, risqué postcards and record-breaking summer seasons in the 1950’s and 60’s. In today’s 21st century culture of ’s laydees and Leagues of Gentlemen the town still lives and breathes laughter. Gordon Young and Why Not Associates use this long tradition as a springboard for The Comedy Carpet site, a unique celebration that builds on the huge success of their earlier collaboration for the Memorial, opened by Her Majesty the Queen in 2000. Every step offers catchphrases, gags, sketches and oneliners from ’s to ’s multi-channel digital age. The silly, the saucy and the surreal can rub shoulders underfoot – Goons side by side with the Royles, toe to toe with Tommy Cooper, back to back with Lily Savage. While the design reflects the sensibility of classic show posters, it will be accessible from any direction, as subjective as different senses of humour, but with something for everybody – The Hen Party, the High Rollers, the Dirty Weekenders... and your Auntie Elsie. From this amazing location you can see all points of the national comedy compass, and even now Ken Dodd’s revising his Giggle Map of the UK! The great British public have always been bovvered about their comedians, and where better to walk the talk than here in Blackpool? 1. TOMMY COOPER 2. FRANKIE HOWERD

Tommy Cooper was born in , South on 9th Howerd was born the son of a soldier, Francis A. W. Howard, in March 1922. He was two months premature, possibly the York, North , , in 1917 (not 1922 as he later last time in his life that he was early. Being a premature baby claimed). He was educated at Shooters Hill Grammar School in 1922 was not the best start in life and the in Woolwich, .[1] His first appearance on stage was

delivered Tommy didn’t hold out much hope for his survival. I’M ALWAYS ASKED ONE QUESTION: at age 13 but his early hopes of becoming a serious actor DO I AGREE WITH SEX BEFORE THE WEDDING? I LOVE KIDS. WENT TO SCHOOL WITH THEM. OOOH, NO, NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I’M GOING However, his grandmother kept him alive on drops of brandy TO GIVE YOU A STRAIGHT ANSWER. were dashed when he failed an audition for RADA. He got into I DO NOT AGREE WITH SEX BEFORE THE WEDDING, I HAD A MEAL LAST NIGHT. PARTICULARLY IF IT HOLDS UP THE CEREMONY. I ORDERED EVERYTHING IN FRENCH, MISSUS! SURPRISED EVERYBODY. IT WAS A CHINESE RESTAURANT. and condensed milk and little Tom got stronger as each day OH, HE’S A VERY PECULIAR MAN, MY AGENT. entertaining during World War II service in the army. Despite AND I SAID TO THIS CHINESE WAITER, YES. HE’S GOT WHAT THEY CALL A DUAL PERSONALITY. TITTER “LOOK, THIS CHICKEN I’VE GOT HERE IS COLD.” passed. Within a few weeks he was well enough for the family AND PEOPLE HATE BOTH OF THEM. suffering from stage fright he continued to work after the war, HE SAID, “IT SHOULD BE, IT’S BEEN DEAD TWO WEEKS.” YE I SAID, “NOT ONLY THAT,” I SAID. I SAID – I SAID IT TWICE – I SAID, IS IT RIGHT? SHOULD ROMAN CATHOLIC PRIESTS BE ALLOWED TO GET MARRIED? “HE’S GOT ONE LEG SHORTER THAN THE OTHER.” to move to in . WELL, I WOULD SAY THIS, IN ALL FAIRNESS: NOT! beginning his professional career in the summer of 1946 in a HE SAID, “WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO WITH IT? ONLY IF THEY’RE VERY FOND OF EACH OTHER. No.Don’t laugh. No. Don’t, please. Y ou’llmak etr ouble.I beg EAT IT OR DANCE WITH IT?” ofyou. Don’t laugh. No, she can’t hear ,and, oh, she’s a funny woman,you know! Mind you, she’s had a ter riblelife. Oooh, touring show called For the Fun of It. I SAID, “FORGET THE CHICKEN, GIVE ME A LOBSTER.” NAY, NAY AND shockinglife! Oh, yes, ter rible![Shouts in her direction] SO HE BROUGHT THE LOBSTER. I LOOKED AT IT. I SAID, When he was eight years old his aunt Lucy bought him I’MTELLING THEM YOU’VE HAD A TERRIBLE LIFE. Y es, itis ver ychilly tonight! Y es!I know! Chilly! Y es!There’s “, JUST A MINUTE,” I SAID, THRICE NAY! awind blowing up the passage tonight! Y es!Ve rychilly Now listen, brethren, before we begin the eisteddfod, I’d like tonight!’Tis, yes! Think winter’s back! I SAID WINTER ’S “HE’S ONLY GOT ONE CLAW.” to make an appeal. No, it’s not an appeal for money. You’ve BACK!Y ehss![T alkingto the audience again] P oorold soul! a magic set and Tommy spent hours playing with it and been robbed enough as it is! No, you feel such a ninny stuck Well,she’s past it, y’know – that is, if she ever had it! No, He soon started working in radio, making his debut at the start HE SAID, “WELL, HE’S BEEN IN A FIGHT.” really, no, she should be in bed... up here if no one laughs. Now, who can manage a little I SAID, “WELL, GIVE ME THE WINNER.” titter? You could? It isn’t always easy to get your titters perfecting the tricks. At the age of sixteen he got a job on out on a wet Wednesday. No–don’t laugh. No, don’t. No, I TRIED TO SWIM THE ENGLISH of December 1946 on the BBC Variety Bandbox programme don’t laugh. Listen. Pull yourselves together. You’ll make CHANNEL, BUT THREE MILES BEFORE me a laughing stock. God help us! This is gonna be a rowdy AS A LITTLE KID I WAS UNLUCKY do, I can see. Look, dear, don’t titter while I’m tirading – REACHING THE FRENCH COAST, I GOT board a boat as an apprentice shipwright and it was here there’s a good woman. I’ll tell you when to titter, dear. You CRAMP AND HAD TO SWIM BACK. with a number of other ex-servicemen. His fame built steadily I HAD A ROCKING HORSE ONCE AND IT DIED shouldn’t be here in your condition anyway! that he gave his first public performance. In typical Cooper throughout the late 1940s and early 1950s (aided by material OOOH MY TEETH ITCH. SHE WAS A REDHEAD. I WENT TO THE DENTIST. NO HAIR, style each trick he performed went disastrously wrong. He written by , and Johnny HE SAID MY TEETH ARE ALL RIGHT JUST A RED HEAD. BUT MY GUMS HAVE TO COME OUT. I BACKED A HORSE TODAY – 20 TO 1. was supposed to pull a series of coloured handkerchiefs from PLEASE Speight). In 1954, he made his screen début opposite Petula SO I WENT TO THIS DOCTOR AND I SAID, IT CAME IN AT 20 PAST 4. AND THE JOCKEY KEPT HITTING HIM WITH THE WHIP, YOURSELVES! “IT HURTS ME WHEN I DO THAT.” LIKE THAT, NOT LIKE THAT, LIKE THAT. a cylinder, but they got stuck, a card fell out of his sleeve, Clark in The Runaway Bus, which had been written for his HE SAID, “WELL DON’T DO IT.” AND THE HORSE SAID, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING THAT FOR? I PAY FOR THESE JOKES HE SAID, “I WANT YOU TO LIE DOWN ON THE COUCH.” THERE’S NOBODY BEHIND US.” Tommy ran out of the room, tears running down his face. specific comic talents, but he never became a major film I SAID, “WHAT FOR?” HE SAID, “I WANT TO SWEEP UP.” I MIGHT AS WELL USE THEM SHUT YOUR FACE! I BOUGHT A GREYHOUND ABOUT A MONTH AGO. A FRIEND OF MINE SAID, “WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO WITH IT?” And the boss came up and he said, ‘Ah, good morning.’ He said, ‘I want you into the street and looked for it, and I could soon see the way it had gone, I SAID, “BUT SERIOUSLY, DOCTOR, I HAVE to collect some goods from the depot and deliver them to Crewe.’ Ooooh, because there were crowds of people lining the road – waiting for the rest When he finally managed to calm down he began to analyse I thought! Ooooooh, good, y’see! No. ’Cos: Crewe! ’Cos, I’ve always wanted of the procession. What a silly thing to do! I mean, you’d think they’d have presence. The film was so low-budget that they could not BROKEN MY ARM IN SEVERAL PLACES.” I SAID, “I’M GONNA RACE IT.” to go abroad. So. Yes. Anyway. Yes. Anyway. I went along to the depot, and I more sense, wouldn’t you? And, honestly, I’ve never seen such a silly crowd saw the foreman. I said, ‘Look,’ I said, ‘I want to sign for these goods.’ And of people in all me life! None of you were in Tottenham Court Road, were HE SAID, “WELL YOU SHOULDN’T HE SAID, “BY THE LOOK OF IT, he said, ‘They’re labelled and ready. Get ’em out of here, quick.’ So I signed you? No! I didn’t think you were. No. Anyway. Um. Now where was I? Yes, for them, y’see. I went along. They were labelled and ready all right. Two here we are. Ooh! There was one man. Yes. Ah. There was one man. One man just why he’d messed it up. “I got stage fright.” He would elephants! Two elle-ee-phants! I was a-maaaazed! I said, ‘I shall never get got in its way. And as they were prising him out of the road – yes, poor soul afford scenery, background and such; instead they used a fog GO TO THOSE PLACES.” I THINK YOU’LL BEAT IT!” these to Crewe!’ He said, ‘I don’t care where you’re gettin’ ’em to, but get – he said, ‘It’s in the news theatre, it’s gone in the news theatre!’ So I dashed ’em out of here!’ He said, ‘The place has been in uproar. In uproar the place over, and the girl in the pay box was playing the devil. She was! She said, has been!’ So I got a bit of string. And I, um, tied it round their necks, y’see, ‘Come on,’ she said, ‘it’s occupying eight 1/9 seats – who’s going to pay?!?’ and I led ’em out into the street. Oooh, I did feel a ninny! I tried to look as So I got inside, and there was the elephant, sat in the best seats, yes, asleep. recall years later. “That’s why it all went wrong. But then I if I wasn’t with ’em! Anyway. Well. No! But the way people stared! The way So, um, the people behind were saying, ‘Why don’t you take your hat off?’ generator so that little was visible behind the action. The film people stared! You’d think they’d never seen two elephants going down the Anyway. The manager was there. The manager of the theatre was there, Underground before! And I had a shocking – Liss-en! ’Ere! Liss-en! Yes! yes, and he was trying to lever the elephant onto a pram, y’see, to get it out. Ye may titter! Titter ye may! – I had a shocking time with ’em down this So, um, I said, ‘It’s my elephant.’ I said, ‘Look, I’ll help you if you like. Shall SPOON, JAR – Underground. No. What I had to do, y’see, I had to tie one to a slot machine, I help you?’ He said, ‘Yes.’ He said, ‘Now get that side. Now: heave! Let’s all thought to myself, well, it might have all gone wrong but I got and push the other one onto the tube train. ’Cos they’d only let me take one HEAVE! HEAVE!!’ And the people behind were saying, ‘Sssssshhhhh!!!’ Well, was an immediate hit. on at a time. No. Well, it was rush hour. And, of course, the elephant was it was a good fi lm! So he said, ‘This time: HEEEEEAVE!!!!’ I was sweating like furious, because it had to stand! Yes! It played the devil! So, anyway, I got it a pig! ‘HEEEEEAVE!!!!’ I said: ‘This is no good.’ I said, ‘We shall never get it to King’s Cross station, and I parked it there, y’see, but then I came back for into the aisle.’ He said, ‘You fool – I’m trying to get it OUT of the aisle!’ Then, the other one that I’d left tied up. And when I got there, there it was: gone! So he said, ‘Well, thank goodness, at least it’s made no noise up to now.’ I said, a laugh. Perhaps I should concentrate on that.” I said to a porter, I said, ‘Look, I left an elephant here tied to a slot machine. ‘Yes, but any minute he might trumpet.’ He said, ‘Ah,’ he said, ‘yes,’ he said, JAR, SPOON. It’s gone!’ He said, ‘Yes – and so ’as our slot machine!’ Anyway, I dashed ‘does it play whist as well?’ Oh, he was such a fool! SHE’S ALWAYS ON A DIET, MY WIFE, ALWAYS ON A DIET. I WENT TO MY DOCTOR AND SAID, “I KEEP DREAMING THESE BEAUTIFUL GIRLS KEEP COMING TOWARDS ME. SHE’S ON A DIET NOW. EATS NOTHING BUT COCONUTS THESE BEAUTIFUL GIRLS KEEP COMING TOWARDS ME AND I KEEP PUSHING THEM AWAY. AND BANANAS ALL DAY LONG. COCONUTS AND BANANAS. NEVER HAS MY FLABBER BEEN SO GASTED! THESE BEAUTIFUL GIRLS KEEP COMING TOWARDS ME AND I KEEP PUSHING THEM AWAY.” HE SAID, “WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?” I SAID, “BREAK MY ARM.” SHE HASN’T LOST ANY WEIGHT, BUT YOU WANT TO SEE HER CLIMB TREES. DID I EVER TELL YOU ABOUT MY FIRST HOUSE? LOOSEN SOMETHING, NO? LOOSEN SOMETHING! WELL, THEY TORE IT DOWN. POOR SOUL YES. THERE’S NOTHING WORSE THAN THEY TORE IT DOWN TO BUILD A SLUM! I HAD A PLOUGHMAN’S LUNCH DO YOU KNOW WHAT – MY WIFE YOUR KNICKERS OUT OF FOCUS! THE OTHER DAY SMOKES IN BED. SHE DOES. THE NERVE! A FRIEND OF MINE SAID, “WELL, A LOT OF WIVES SMOKE IN BED.” HE WASN’T HALF MAD I SAID, “WHAT, FACE DOWN?” EVERY GAG FRESH FROM THE QUIPPERIES! !!!!!!! I’VE GOT THE BEST WIFE IN ENGLAND THERE WAS A MAN WHO WAS SHIPWRECKED WITH HIS DOG THE OTHER ONE’S IN AFRICA AND WAS WASHED UP ON A NOW HERE’S A MAGIC WAND. THERE’S A WHITE TIP HERE HERE’S A POEM, A LITTLE POEM ENTITLED DESERT ISLAND. AFTER A WEEK AND A WHITE TIP THERE. NOW THE REASON FOR THE WHITE TIPS “I CAN’T GET OVER A GIRL LIKE YOU... IS TO SEPARATE THE ENDS FROM THE CENTRE. SO GET UP AND MAKE THE TEA YOURSELF.” Liss-en! THE MAN COOKED HIS PET, ATE IT, THEN SAT BACK AND LOOKED AT THE REMAINS. “WHAT A SHAME,” HE SAID, “FIDO WOULD HAVE LOVED THOSE BONES.”

Now, ah, Ladies and Gentle-men. Harken. Now – harken. This is, no – harken! Now make me mad! Now pull yourselves together! – Er… Before I could argue, he opened har-ken! Har-ever-so-ken! Now, that’s the life: the circus! What? That’s the life! the door, y’see, and pushed me in the cage! Oooh! That door clanged behind me, and If you live. I know! What? I’m telling you this. Liss-en! There’s one phase in my something ran up and down my spine – I was too frightened to scratch it! Oooh, I life, there’s one phase – and I never forget a phase! Ha ha ha ha! Every gag fresh was in a shocking state! And there’s all these lions, all these lions, crouching at the from the quipperies! One day, y’see, there I was, I was cleaning me , and then other end of the cage – grrrrrrrrraaaaaaghhh! – arguing whether they should play the ringmaster came up, the ringmaster came up, and he said, ‘Howerd, I’ve been with me or get it over with. The ringmaster said, ‘Well, go on!’ He said, ‘Go on! Do watching you for some time. You are ambitious, hard-working and courageous.’ something! You’ve only got six lions!’ I said, ‘Six?’ I said, ‘You want to look again – I Oooh, I didn’t know what to say! I mean, I felt like such a fool, really, stood there make it seven.’ He said, ‘Seven? Oh, no! Not tonight!’ He said, ‘Oh, no, tonight of all in me nightie! He said, um, ‘Put this uniform on.’ I said, ‘Look, it’s a bit of a cheek, nights it’s happened – Leo’s got in by accident! Oooh, I shall give those keepers such you know, after all I’ve done for you, asking me to sell ice-cream!’ He said, ‘Don’t a scalding!’ He said, ‘Leo only came from the jungle yesterday: he’s still savage!’ worry!’ He said, ‘Have you got your uniform on? Right, stand by – ’cos you’re on in Eh? I didn’t know what to do. So he said, ‘Look, take your tunic off. Get your tunic a minute.’ I said, ‘Well, what’s the rush? There’s plenty of time - the interval’s not off, quick!’ I said, ‘Why?’ He said, ‘Well, you don’t want to get blood all over it!’ He yet, is it?’ I said, ‘They’ve got this lion act to do fi rst.’ He said, ‘Ah,’ he said, ‘Aah. said, ‘I’ll tell you what. Let ’im taste you – that’ll put ’im off.’ I was amaaaaaazed! Now, that’s it.’ He said, ‘Now,’ he said, ‘follow me.’ So we got to the ringside and Then, without warning, there was a dead silence. There was a dead silence. It was there was this cage, with all the lions inside, snarling and roaring and growling and so quiet I could hear the light shining on me! And the drums started to r oll... Then, jostling. ‘Oooh,’ I said, ‘A nice bunch of pussies, aren’t they!’ I said, ‘They’re waiting one of the lions came sloooooowly forward. And I went sloooooowly backward. And for something, aren’t they?’ He said, ‘Yes: the lion tamer. So: when you’re ready…’ I I was right up against the bars – I couldn’t go any further. And it came forward, this said, ‘I beg your pardon?’ He said, ‘Yes,’ he said. ‘You’re it.’ Yes. I walked straight up lion, it still came forward, then it stopped and opened its mouth! The ringmaster to the cage, and immediately all the lions ran toward me and I just stared at them. said, ‘Well, this is it: this is the big trick. Yes, this is the “Head in the Mouth Trick”.’ Yes! I-just-stared-at-them! And they all slunk away. They did! I said, ‘How’s that?’ He said, ‘No! You put your head in the lion’s mouth!’ He said, he said, ‘Look, I’ll show ‘Oh, yes, it’s very good,’ he said, ‘but you should be inside the cage.’ I said, ‘INSIDE?’ you what to do,’ he said, ‘look, follow me, watch me,’ he said. ‘I’ll do it once.’ So he I said, ‘They’ll tear me to pieces!’ He said, ‘Look,’ he said, ‘I don’t know what you’re came in the cage. He said, ‘Look, watch me.’ And he put his head right in the lion’s making all this fuss about. I can assure you,’ he said, ‘I can assure you we shall all be mouth! Yes! In the lion’s mouth! Top hat and all! Yes! The crowd applauded. The stood round the edge with guns. And if there’s the slightest chance of you being torn band played. Everybody cheered. It was wonderful! And as I said to his widow at the to pieces, we shall shoot you.’ So, he said, ‘Don’t worry!’ And before I could argue – funeral, I said – yehss, oh yehss – I said, ‘If he’d only remembered to take his cigar I ALWAYS SAY: “A FRIEND IN NEED IS A PEST... GET RID OF HIM.” Cease! – And before I could argue – Cease! – And before I could argue – oooh, you out of his mouth,’ I said, ‘it would have been all right!’

I WAS HAVING A DRINK JUST BEFORE THE SHOW AND A MAN SAID TO ME I SHALL BEGIN THIS EISTEDDFOD TONIGHT WITH A PROMISE THAT YOU SHALL NOT GO HOME TITTERLESS. DO YOU ALWAYS DRINK WHISKEY NEAT? TITTERLESS YE SHALL NOT GO... QUIET GET PLEASE, A MODICUM OF SHUSH, NOW... I SAID, NO I DON’T, I SOMETIMES DON’T WEAR A TIE RIGHT... OH! THERE YOU ARE... WELL... ER... I SHAN’T KEEP YOU LONG... UM... NOW... YOUR HOW ARE YOU? YOU ALL RIGHT? ME?... NO, I FEEL A BIT... NO, LISTEN, I WENT TO AND LET MY SHIRT HANG OUT THE DOCTOR. WHAT’S TODAY – SUNDAY? TITTERS YES, NO, MONDAY IT WAS. MONDAY WEEK. MY WIFE HAD HER FACE LIFTED LAST WEEK. BUT IT’S NOT HIGH ENOUGH, I CAN STILL SEE IT. NO LISTEN, LISTEN... IN THE EVENING. I WENT IN THE EVENING. I ALWAYS GO TO OUT THE DOCTOR IN THE EVENING, HIS HANDS MY WIFE SAID TO ME THIS MORNING, SHE SAID, ARE WARM BY THEN... NO, REALLY... !

“YOU’LL DRIVE ME TO MY GRAVE.” AND I PUT IT TO YOU, My diction... LADIES AND GENTLE-MEN, This man said my I HAD THE CAR OUT IN TWO MINUTES. diction should be better... I PUT IT TO YOU... Oooh the cheek of it... I WAS IN MARGATE LAST SUMMER FOR THE SUMMER SEASON. WHILE I WAS THERE I BOUGHT ONE OF THESE FROGMAN OUTFITS. YOU’VE SEEN THEM, HAVEN’T YOU? I DID, I BOUGHT THE WHOLE LOT... BIG FLIPPERS, BIG TANK ON THE BACK, GOGGLES. I BOUGHT He said my vowels A FRIEND OF MINE SAID, “YOU WANT TO GO TO MARGATE. THE WHOLE LOT AND I HAD A PHOTOGRAPH TAKEN. LIKE THAT AND LIKE THAT, YOU NEVER KNOW, AND YOU CAN PUT IT DO YOU? AND I WENT TO THE BAY AND I JUMPED IN, ’COS YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO DIVE IN, IT’S IT’S GOOD FOR RHEUMATISM.” SO I DID AND I GOT IT. VERY DANGEROUS. NO IT IS. SO I JUMPED IN AND I WENT DOWN LIKE THAT, I MAY HAVE TURNED should be more open. AND WHILE I WAS THERE I TRIED TO GET INTO A HOTEL WHEN A LITTLE BIT, NO, NO I DIDN’T, I DIDN’T, NO. I THOUGHT I DID BUT I DIDN’T. AND I WENT DOWN WHERE YOU LIKE, I resent that! TO ABOUT 155 FEET AND IT WAS VERY QUIET, AND I’M GOING ALONG LIKE THAT. I’VE GOT THE IT WAS PACKED. SO I WENT TO THIS BIG BOARDING HOUSE INSTRUCTIONS HERE. SEE... AND I GET RID OF ’EM, I’M SHOWING OFF A BIT AND THE FEET ARE AND I KNOCKED ON THE DOOR AND THE LANDLADY GOING LIKE THAT, NO, NOT IN THE FRONT, IN THE BACK. AND I’M GOING ALONG LIKE THAT AND There’s nothing wrong ALL OF A SUDDEN I LOOK AHEAD AND I SEE A MAN WALKING TOWARDS ME, IN A SPORTS JACKET PUT HER HEAD OUT OF THE WINDOW AND SAID, AND GREY FLANNELS. I THOUGHT, THAT’S UNUSUAL FOR A THURSDAY. SO I GO TOWARDS HIM with my vowels... AND I DON’T CARE NOW. I REALLY GO TOWARDS HIM LIKE THAT AND I TAKE THIS PAD OUT AND MADAM...! “WHAT D’YOU WANT?” I SAID, “I WANT TO STAY HERE.” I WRITE ON IT, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING DOWN HERE WALKING ABOUT IN A SPORTS JACKET AND SHE SAID, “WELL, STAY THERE,” AND SHUT THE WINDOW. GREY FLANNELS?” AND HE TAKES THIS PAD FROM ME AND WRITES ON THERE, “I’M DROWNING.”

I’VE GOT A DOG. A NEW DOG. AN ALSATIAN. I HAD A FUNNY DREAM LAST NIGHT. I POPPED INTO MY DOCTOR THE OTHER NIGHT. DON’T I DREAMT I WAS EATING A TEN-POUND MARSHMALLOW. WORRY, I WAS ALL RIGHT, I WAS ALL RIGHT, I JUST WANTED I HAVE. A LOVELY DOG. HE’S A ONE-MAN SOME COTTON WOOL... AS MY SOFA NEEDED RE-STUFFING. DOG... ONLY BITES ME. HE TOOK A BIG THE WAITING ROOM WAS PACKED. BECAUSE I WOULDN’T AND I WOKE UP THIS MORNING HAVE GOT A SEAT ONLY I MANAGED TO BEAT THIS POOR OLD LUMP OUT OF MY KNEE ONCE AND A SOUL TO THE LAST ONE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T GRAPPLE FRIEND OF MINE SAID, “DID YOU PUT MUCH WITH GOUT. AND THE JOCKEYING FOR POSITION AND THE PILLOW WAS GONE. THAT GOES ON IN THESE DOCTORS’ WAITING ROOMS IS ANYTHING ON IT?” I SAID, “NO, HE LIKED IT MARVELLOUS. EVERY TIME HIS BELL WENT THEY WERE OFF. AS IT WAS.” MY NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBOUR IT LOOKED MORE LIKE A GREYHOUND MEETING. I HAD TO Cease! MY FEET ARE KILLING ME. LAUGH BECAUSE THE DOC RANG HIS BELL AND THREE OF SAID TO ME, “YOU’VE GOT TO WATCH THAT HIS PATIENTS GOT JAMMED IN THE DOOR. ONE FINISHED DOG.” I SAID, “WHY?” HE SAID, “HE KEEPS EVERY NIGHT I’M LYING IN BED THEY GET UP WITH A SPRAINED WRIST. HE WAS ONLY THERE TO GET SIGNED OFF! MIND YOU, THIS DOCTOR’S VERY HUMANE, CHASING THE POSTMAN ON A BICYCLE.” ME ROUND THE THROAT LIKE THAT A VERY HUMANE MAN BECAUSE WHILE I WAS THERE I WAS I SAID, “WELL, TAKE HIS BIKE AWAY.” CHATTING UP THIS NURSE AND I INADVERTENTLY BACKED AND THEY TRY TO STRANGLE ME. INTO ’IS HYPODERMIC. OHHH, OHHH! I DIDN’T MIND, AS HE SAID I’LL NEVER GET SWAMP FEVER OR BERI-BERI. IT’S COMFORTING, ISN’T IT? MIND YOU, I HAD TO HAVE MY TEA A MAN WALKS INTO A BAR. OUCH... IT WAS AN IRON BAR. OFF THE MANTLEPIECE FOR A WEEK. 3. MORECAMBE & WISE 4. LES DAWSON

A typical show was effectively a Raised in the Collyhurst district of , Dawson sketch show crossed with a sitcom, although shows could began his entertainment career as a pianist in a Parisian also include the duo appearing “as themselves” on a mock brothel (according to his entertaining but factually stage in front of curtains emblazoned with an M and W unreliable autobiography). As a club pianist (“I finally heard logo (this was usually to open the show). Morecambe and some applause from a bald man and said ‘thank you for ERNIE: MY MOTHER HAS A WHISTLER. ERIC: NOW THERE’S A NOVELTY. HE WAS A I WENT TO THE DOCTOR LAST WEEK Wise’s comic style varied subtly throughout their career, RED INDIAN CHIEF. AND SAID, WHAT’S GOOD FOR WIND? clapping me’ and he said ‘I’m not clapping - I’m slapping me ERIC: HAD A BATH? ERNIE: YES. ERIC: NOT SEPTEMBER ALREADY, IS IT? HE CAME FROM THE depending on their writers. Their original writers Dick Hills HOOHAH HEEHAH HEEHAH TRIBE. HE GAVE ME A KITE. head to keep awake’”), he was to find that he got laughs by ERIC: WHO’S YOUR TAILOR? ERNIE: WHY? ERIC: THAT WAS GOING TO BE MY SECOND QUESTION. I WAS ON THE WAY OUT, and Sid Green took a relatively straightforward approach, SO CALLED BECAUSE THEY USED TO RUN THROUGH HE POINTED TO A BOTTLE ON THE SHELF. playing wrong notes and complaining to the audience. He LONG GRASS WITHOUT THEIR HE SAID, DO ME A SAMPLE IN THERE. YOU CAN’T SEE THE JOIN! depicting “Eric” as an aggressive, knockabout UNDERPANTS ON. I SAID, WHAT, FROM DOWN HERE? made his television debut on the talent show Opportunity I bet you were glad to get here. You’re telling me! stop at the harbour?’ He said, ‘If it doesn’t, there’s What I am about to unfold, dear listener, will chill your blood I stood outside the station and took a deep breath going to be one hell of a splash!’ Didn’t you explain and “Ernie” as an essentially conventional and somewhat SHE BEGAN TO LICK MY CHEEK. and knot your tripes with sinews of fear. Where to begin Knocks in 1967 and became a prominent comic on British of that fresh seaside air. Marvellous! One lung said to him that the Ritz Hotel is right next door to the this narrative of horror? It started at Blackpool. I had been to the other, ‘That’s the stuff I’ve been telling you harbour? I did. And I invited him to drop in any time about!’ Great! Then I went directly to the beach, he liked. Preferably when the tide was out. And when strolling along the promenade, thinking about this and that – stripped off and ran straight into the sea. Did it come the lifeguard’s looking in the opposite direction! Did disapproving straight man. When Eddie Braben took over as I SAID, DO YOU LOVE ME? mostly that – when suddenly, from out in the brittle sunshine, television for the rest of his life. up to your expectations? Just past them, actually – you know I used to be a lifeguard? Really? When? I found myself plunged into a dimly-lit cavern wherein I that’s the trouble with being so short. Then, would Last summer. What did you do? I saved women. saw rows upon rows of worshippers crouched in maddened you believe it, a crab bit my toe! Which one? I don’t What for? The winter. Didn’t you help any men? Yes, SHE SAID, NO, I NEED THE SALT. expectancy. Their eyes were glazed and their lips were wet know – all crabs look alike to me. I could hardly walk, I gave them the occasional woman. One day I had writer, he made the relationship considerably deeper and and blubbery and the breath from their open orifi ces hung so I decided to take a donkey ride. The bloke said, to rescue a drunken mermaid. A drunken mermaid? CISSIE: THE FOOD HERE IS WONDERFUL. moistly in the fetid atmosphere. Begrimed awnings parted ‘Don’t take the one on the end – the rest’ll fall over.’ Yes, she’d had so much whisky on the rocks, she’d HAVE YOU HAD THE SHISH KEBABS? and a tall man in black clothing stood menacingly in front His most characteristic routines and I said to him, ‘Can I hire this donkey?’ He said, ‘Yes, fallen into the sea. How drunk was she? She was of a table. His eyes narrowed as he surveyed his throbbing there’s a screw under the saddle.’ So the donkey absolutely legless. I pulled her onto the beach and more complex. ADA: EVER SINCE WE GOT HERE. coven. His voice when he spoke was a hoarse whisper and took you home? No, just as far as the bus stop. I got gave her artifi cial recreation. You mean artifi cial CISSIE: AND THE SIGHTS ARE WONDERFUL. my senses reeled as I heard the words that he spat forth... on the bus and I said to the driver, ‘Do you stop at the respiration. Recreation is when you have fun. I’m Dawson as two elderly women, Cissie Braithwaite and Ada Ritz Hotel?’ And he said, ‘What, on my wages?’ Did no fool. She had a fabulous fi gure, too. Really? Yes, HAVE YOU BEEN ON THE ACROPOLIS? you ask him again? Yes, I said, ‘Look, does this bus thirty-six, twenty-three, eighty-fi ve pence a pound. EYES DOWN FOR A FULL HOUSE * ADA: NEVER BEEN OFF IT. HE’S NOT GOING TO SELL MUCH ICE-CREAM GOING AT THAT SPEED! Morecambe was initially uncomfortable with the bed- Shufflebotham. Cissie had pretensions of refinement and WE OFTEN COME TO SEE I TOOK MY MOTHER-IN-LAW TO MADAME , IN YOUR SMILE THE WIFE’S MOTHER HERE. TUSSAUD’S CHAMBER OF HORRORS, AND sharing sketches, but changed his mind upon being ONE OF THE ATTENDANTS SAID, ‘KEEP HER often corrected Ada’s malapropisms or vulgar expressions. BRING ME LAUGHTER, ALL THE WHILE SHE LIVES IN BIRMINGHAM, MOVING, SIR, WE’RE STOCK-TAKING’ reminded of the Laurel-and-Hardy precedent; however, BUT SHE LOOKS BETTER As authentic characters of their day, they spoke some IN THIS WORLD WHERE WE LIVE FROM BLACKPOOL. I HAVEN’T SPOKEN TO MY WIFE THERE SHOULD BE MORE HAPPINESS he still insisted on smoking his pipe in the bed scenes FOR OVER A MONTH. words aloud but only mouthed others, particularly those THE WIFE’S MOTHER SAID, “WHEN YOU’RE WE HAVEN’T HAD A ROW – SO MUCH JOY YOU CAN GIVE “for the masculinity”. The front room of the flat and also DEAD, I’LL DANCE ON YOUR GRAVE.” I SAID: IT’S JUST THAT I’M AFRAID pertaining to bodily functions and sex. At one time, no TO EACH BRAND NEW BRIGHT TOMORROW “GOOD, I’M BEING BURIED AT SEA.” TO INTERRUPT HER. MAKE ME HAPPY, THROUGH THE YEARS the bedroom were used frequently throughout the show I FIRST MET THE WIFE IN A TUNNEL OF LOVE respectable woman would have said, for instance, working- NEVER BRING ME, ANY TEARS episodes, although Braben would also transplant the duo SHE WAS DIGGING IT class women, Cissie and Ada would sit with folded arms, I WAS ENGAGED TO A CONTORTIONIST BUT SHE BROKE IT OFF LET YOUR ARMS BE AS WARM into various external situations, such as a health-food shop MAY I SAY WHAT A THRILL IT IS TO BE HERE IN occasionally adjusting their bosoms by a hoist of the AS FROM UP ABOVE or a bank. Many references were made to Ernie’s supposed forearms. BRING ME FUN, BRING ME SUNSHINE AGAIN – WHICH, AS YOU ALL KNOW, BRING ME LOVE meanness with money and drink. IS MORECAMBE WITH ‘O’ LEVELS WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE SHOW SO FAR? LAST NIGHT I LOOKED UPWARDS TOWARDS THE HEAVENS AND MARVELLED AT THE MILLIONS OF STARS, GLISTENING LIKE PIECES OF QUICKSILVER THROWN CARELESSLY ONTO BLACK VELVET. IN AWE I WATCHED THE WAXEN MOON RIDE

I MADERUGGISH! ERN OUT OF A KIT AND RAN OUT OF WOOD WHEN I GOT TO THE LEGS ACROSS THE ZENITH OF THE HEAVENS LIKE AN AMBER

ERIC: I’VE JUST BOUGHT DES O’CONNOR’S NEW ALBUM. ERNIE: WHERE FROM? CHARIOT WHEREIN THE TETHERED BULKS OF JUPITER ERIC: BOOTS THE CHEMIST. ERNIE: DID YOU NEED A PRESCRIPTION? ERIC: I HAD TO GO TO THE POISON COUNTER. ERNIE: DES O’CONNOR IS A SELF-MADE MAN. NOT NOW, ARTHUR! AND MARS HANG, FOREVER FESTOONED IN THEIR ORBITAL ERIC: I THINK IT’S VERY NICE OF HIM TO TAKE THE BLAME! ERNIE: WHAT ARE YOU READING? ERIC: THEY CALL HIM DES. IT’S SHORT FOR DESPERATE. ERIC: MARK TWAIN. ERIC: DO YOU REMEMBER OUR FIRST MEETING? ERNIE: I DO. WE DECIDED TO TEAM UP AND HAVE A GO MAJESTY. AND AS I LOOKED AT THIS WONDROUS SITE AT COMEDY. ERNIE: WHO’S IT BY? ERIC: WE SHOULD HAVE DONE THAT. ERIC: HUCKLEBERRY FINN. ERNIE: BUT YOU TOLD ME THE OTHER DAY SHE HAD A MILLION-DOLLAR FIGURE! I THOUGHT, I’D BETTER PUT A ROOF ON THIS LAVATORY! ERIC: SHE HAS. TROUBLE IS, IT’S ALL IN LOOSE CHANGE. THEY PUT US IN A HOTEL. IT WAS NOTHING LIKE ERIC: SHE’S A LOVELY GIRL, THOUGH. I’D LIKE TO MARRY WHEN A MAN COURTS A WOMAN, HE TALKS AND SHE HER, BUT HER FAMILY OBJECTS. THE BROCHURE. WE HAD A BEDROOM. IT WAS SO LISTENS. AND AFTER THE WEDDING, SHE TALKS AND HE ERNIE: HER FAMILY? SMALL WHEN I TURNED THE LIGHTS OFF I WAS IN LISTENS. AND USUALLY AFTER TEN YEARS OF MARRIED ERIC: YES, HER HUSBAND AND FOUR KIDS. THIS BOY’S A FOOL! BED BEFORE IT WAS DARK. LIFE, THEY BOTH TALK AND THE LISTEN. However, the day of the wedding indeed arrived. The pallid sunshine As they passed me, one of them gave me a spine-chilling coy look and ERNIE: NOW PLEASE, ERIC, ERNIE: WHAT ARE THOSE MEDALS YOU’RE WEARING? fi ltered through the stained glass windows of the soot-bearded church lifted the hem of her dress up to the knee. And I can safely say that the ERIC: THESE ARE MY MILITARY MEDALS – I WON THEM and briefl y illuminated the bridegroom: a midget from Reading with a last time I saw a leg that big was when a Punjab butcher shoved me I’M A PROFESSIONAL ENTERTAINER. DURING THE WAR. ERNIE: I DIDN’T KNOW YOU’D WON A COUPLE OF MEDALS – broken ear and a caulifl ower nose. He was being held in a half-nelson half a bullock in a chest freezer. The ghastly ceremony ground to a halt I HAVE A DUTY TO MY PUBLIC. WHAT WERE THEY FOR? by two of the wife’s brothers. The mother-in-law was quite obviously and off we trooped to the reception. It was held in a neo-gothic co-op ERIC: WELL, THIS ONE I GOT FOR SAVING TWO WOMEN. relieved that she was getting rid of her eldest daughter because hall, which was the average size of a zeppelin paint spray shed. It had ERIC: YOU ARE NOTHING TO YOUR PUBLIC, ERN. ERNIE: SAVING TWO WOMEN? ERIC: YES, ONE FOR MYSELF AND ONE FOR THE GENERAL. instead of holding a posy of fl owers she held a football rattle. On some all the intimacy of Lenin’s tomb on half-day closing. Cheap was ERNIE: AND WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER ONE? whispered instruction the geriatric organist struck up with that most served in cracked tumblers. Lord knows who trod the grapes for the ERIC: AH, YES, THIS WAS FOR SAVING THE LIVES OF THE doom-laden theme – the wedding march – and down the aisle came tepid brew but in my glass I found a Spanish corn plaster. The boiled ENTIRE REGIMENT. FORGET HIM. ERNIE: WHAT DID YOU DO? the grotesque procession. As they got nearer the vicar’s smile became ham was so thin you could see the letters ‘British Railways’ on the ERIC: I SHOT THE COOK. a grimace of terror and the altar boys put on blinkers and one of them plates. One ancient witch shouted to the waitress, ‘You slice the ham, fainted. As all heads swivelled round to catch a glimpse of the bride, love, and I’ll shuffl e.’ The mother-in-law simply sneered and poured ERIC: WE WERE VERY POOR. ERNIE: YOU’RE TURNING THE WHOLE THING TO RIDICULE. the groom, sensing a loosening of the stranglehold around his neck, junket down his ear trumpet. At 11 p.m. the obscene farce came to ERIC: WHAT D’YA MEAN? ERNIE: WELL, YOU’RE MAKING US LOOK LIKE A CHEAP attempted to escape by vaulting over the altar rail. But the verger, its dispirited fi nale and the happy couple left for the honeymoon in MUSIC HALL ACT. who had been paid well in case of such an event, hit him with a brass Bridlington, which I thought was a strange conjugal venue, seeing ERNIE: REALLY? ERIC: WELL, WE ARE A CHEAP MUSIC HALL ACT. incense burner, and felled the poor wretch like an ox. The bride wore a that it was early December. But as Agatha Louise explained, as she ERIC: MY PARENTS COULDN’T AFFORD SHOES FOR ME. ERIC: I’M WORKING HIM WITH ME FOOT. long white wedding dress and with her fi gure she looked like a length fastened the straitjacket on the midget, they’d have no trouble at all of French chalk. Her two bridesmaids were larger ladies, who would in getting deck chairs. And so they drove away in a cloud of diesel as ERNIE: WHAT DID THEY DO? ERNIE: I THINK I CURRIED HER FAVOURS. no doubt have been an asset as prop forwards for Wigan. Both were the father-in-law, drunk, as usual, lay on a zebra crossing and cried ERIC: YOU VERY NEARLY CASSEROLED HER DUMPLINGS. ERIC: THEY PAINTED MY FEET BLACK heavily muscular and one had a faint moustache and a duelling scar. aloud: ‘I’ll play this ruddy piano if it kills me.’

AND LACED UP MY TOES. I SAID TO THE MARRIAGE IS AN INSTITUTION AND THAT’S WHERE A COUPLE FINISH UP ERIC: I’VE PUT THAT CAT OUT. ERNIE: WHAT FOR? Tea, Ern? CHEMIST, ‘CAN I HAVE I DON’T LIKE TELEGRAMS. SOME SLEEPING ERIC: IT WAS ON FIRE. YOU DON’T LIKE TELEGRAMS? PILLS FOR NO. WHY NOT? THE WIFE?’ THE BOY STOOD ON THE BURNING DECK IT REMINDS ME OF THE TELEGRAM HE SAID, MY MOTHER GOT DURING THE WAR ‘WHY?’ KNICKERS HIS BODY WAS ALL A-QUIVER FROM THE WAR OFFICE. I SAID, REALLY? ME DAD WAS MISSING. HE GAVE A COUGH, HIS LEG FELL OFF SORRY TO HEAR THAT. ‘SHE KEEPS SO WAS AN ARMY TRUCK AND WAKING UP.’ AND FLOATED DOWN THE RIVER FORTY-EIGHT CASES OF CORNED BEEF. CISSIE: KNACKERS THE ONE WITH THE SHORT, FAT, HAIRY LEGS LEONARD TOOK SOME LOVELY PHOTOS. BOOM OO YATTA-TA-TA HE’S GOT A BIG POLAROID. ADA: KNOCKERS FOR ANOTHER QUID WE COULD HAVE HAD LULU OOH, THEY CAN BE PAINFUL. YOU SAID THAT WITHOUT MOVING YOUR LIPS DOES IT AFFECT HIS BALANCE? HE WASN’T AN ATTRACTIVE CHILD THE GOOD-LOOKING ONE WHAT DID YOU GO TO SPAIN FOR? ! ! ! ! ! ! ! IN FACT, HE WAS SO UGLY WITH THE GLASSES THIRTY-FIVE POUNDS RETURN. SHE WAS SO CROSS-EYED THAT WHEN HIS PARENTS SAW HIM WHEN SHE CRIED IT WAS A HONEYMOON SPECIAL. THEY PUT SHUTTERS ON HIS PRAM THE PLAYS WOT I WROTE A HONEYMOON SPECIAL? THE TEARS RAN DOWN HER BACK HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN MARRIED? MY WIFE’S MOTHER TELLS PEOPLE I’M EFFEMINATE. THREE WEEKS. AND THEY SAID IT WOULDN’T LAST. BUT FIVE WEEKS AGO YOU DIDN’T EVEN HAVE A GIRLFRIEND. I DON’T MIND BECAUSE COMPARED TO HER, I AM. I KNOW – OUR COURTSHIP WAS FAST AND FURIOUS. WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH YOU? REALLY? YES – I WAS FAST A SQUARE EGG IN A I CAN ALWAYS DISH OF LENTILS AND SHE WAS FURIOUS. TELL WHEN THE YOU TOOK YOUR WIFE INTO A TOPLESS BAR? WON’T MAKE A YES, I MEAN – WHEN YOU’VE SEEN TWO YOU’VE SEEN THEM ALL. ANYWAY, IT TURNED OUT TO BE A BIT OF A DISAPPOINTMENT. MOTHER- MARROW BEND WITH HOW COME? TURNED OUT TO BE A CAFE WITH NO ROOF ON. STILL, WE DECIDED IN-LAW’S THE WIND, NOR WILL TO EAT THERE. BUT JUST AS THEY BROUGHT IT MAKE RHUBARB I’M AN IDIOT THE FOOD, IT STARTED TO RAIN. COMING TO STAY: THE MICE THROW GROW UP THE OH NO! OH YES. THEMSELVES MILKMAID’S LEG WHAT’S YOUR EXCUSE? IT TOOK US AN HOUR AND A HALF TO FINISH THE SOUP! ON THE TRAPS 5. KEN DODD 6. CONTEMPORARY

Dodd’s stand-up comedy style is fast and furious, relying INTERESTING FACT... Sean Lock on the rapid delivery of a huge number of one-liner jokes. DON’T KNOCK BINGO... He has claimed that his comic influences include other I LIKE A BLACKPOOL BREAKFAST... Lilly Savage comedians like , Robb Wilton, and THE WORLD IS YOUR LOBSTER, MY SON. Arthur Daley .[2] He intersperses the comedy with I ALWAYS THINK YOU... Hyacyth Bucket DO YOU KNOW THAT FIVE OUT OF WHAT A THRILL, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, INTERESTING FACT: A SHARK WILL ONLY ATTACK YOU IF YOU’RE WET THREE PEOPLE CAN’T DO FRACTIONS? TO STAND HERE THIS EVENING, HERE IN THIS MAGNIFICENT... CAR PARK DON’T KNOCK BINGO. A. IT TAKES TWO TO QUANGO... Sir Appleby I’VE HAD MY POTENTIAL SPOTTED. – NO, THIS THEATRE OF THE IMAGINATION. A

occasional songs, both serious and humorous, in an S I CAN GET IT OFF WITH TURPS, I THINK. OF COURSE, YOU HAVE TO USE A LOT IT’S THE ONLY CHANCE -DI-D OF IMAGINATION... I HAVE T0 – I HAVE TO O THINK I FELL IN LOVE WITH A LADY CONTORTIONIST OO LA CKPOOL

WORKING-CLASS PEOPLE , ME – IMAGINE YOU’RE ENJOYING YOURSELVES. BUT SHE TURNED THE OTHER CHEEK. A I ADMIT MY FRENCH COD... Officer Crabtree T OF TE OF T

incongruously fine light baritone voice. ST YOU HAVE TO IMAGINE THAT I AM A COMEDIAN. WILL EVER HAVE OF WH PLE O A BIT T ’S OWNING A GIANT FA GGIE IF YOU DON’T LAUGH CERAMIC CHEETAH. AK I NEVER SAW MY GRANDAD... CKPOOL

AT THE JOKES, YL – FOR PE AND A PO I LIKE A BL BRE RH BLA CI I’LL FOLLOW YOU HOME Dodd has had many recording hits, charting on nineteen 20 AND SHOUT THROUGH BLESS ME, FATHER, FOR I HAVE SINNED. MY DAD ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT “LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE” THE LETTER BOX. I DID AN ORIGINAL SIN. – WHICH IS WHY, WHEN I WAS SIX, I NEARLY DIED OF DIPHTHERIA. BOYAKASHA! Ali G I POKED A BADGER WITH A SPOON. I CHOKED: “DAD, I CAN’T BREATHE!” HE LEAPT INTO ACTION: occasions in the UK Top 40, including his first single “Love “KNOCK, KNOCK?” “THAT’S NOT GOING TO WORK, DAD!” A LOT OF PEOPLE SAY: I INADVERTENTLY DROPPED... Mrs Slocombe TIVE.

Is Like a Violin” (1960), produced on by OI TA DO YOU BELIEVE IN REINCARNATION? VICKY – WHERE IS YOUR BABY? Vicky Pollard I DON’T SEE THE POINT Alex Wharton, which charted at number 8 (UK), and his

O A PUB. THE DEATH PENALTY... Mrs Merton ALK INT song “Tears”, which topped the UK charts for five weeks ARE OF THEIR SURROUNDINGS, IN COMING BACK AS W SEE YOU JIMMY! CU Jimmy I DON’T UNDERSTAND THE FRENCH. SAFE SEX IS VERY IMPORTANT. TAKE PRECAUTIONS. THESE PEOPLE WITH A TOWN CALLED BREST in 1965, selling over a million copies. This remains one PUT YOUR FAG OUT. MOVE YOUR CANS WHERE AND NONE OF THEM THINKS IT’S FUNNY. THEY WON’T GET KNOCKED OVE R. ERANU! & THREE BLIND MICE W A TIN OF MILK. BUT THEY ARE UNA DERIVE HUMOUR FROM IT WOULD BE EXPL SO TO DALE WINTON IS of the UK’s biggest selling singles of all time. Dodd was I WENT TO SEE A GO-GO DANCER. SO ORANGE, IF YOU WE’VE GOT ARTISTS FROM ALL BUT SHE’D GONE! LICK HIM HE CURES EDDY: DARLING, STOP ME DRINKING... Eddy & Patsy CORNERS OF THE LABOUR EXCHANGE I WAS BROUGHT UP A COMMUNIST. IT WAS LENIN WHO CAME DOWN OUR CHIMNEY AT CHRISTMAS. WE’VE GOT A FUNNY LADY FROM BELGIUM selected to perform the song on A Jubilee Of Music on SCURVY DID YOU ENJOY SUMMER THIS YEAR? IT WAS ON A THURSDAY. UVAVU! Vic Reeves & Bob Mortimer I REMEMBER THE LAST THING MY OFF - GRANDMOTHER SAID TO ME BEFORE ANN TWERP BBC1 on December 31, 1976, a celebration of the key pop SHE PASSED AWAY... ‘WHAT ARE YOU WE’VE GOT A SEXY RUSSIAN LADY DOING IN HERE WITH THAT HAMMER?’ WHAT FIRST, DEBBIE, ATTRACTED... Mrs Merton successes of Queen Elizabeth II’s first twenty-five years as VELC A RIP WH AT RO EVA VESTOFF I WAS READING THIS BOOK CALLED THE HISTORY OF GLUE. I COULDN’T PUT IT DOWN. WE DON’T DO DUVETS! Trevor & Simon AND WE’VE GOT THE FAMOUS LION TAMER A DOG IS FOR LIFE, UK monarch.reprised some of his famous jokes, including NOT JUST FOR CHRISTMAS. SO DO BE CAREFUL , ! CLAUD BOTTOM AT THE OFFICE PARTY. ogies INTERVIEWER: EXCUSE ME MISS. MIGHT NEED A A NEED MIGHT BE IS IN FA I’ What is ABOUT THE CAR. I SAID SOME GOOD NEWS AND BAD MY WIFE CA at makes t makes at th NE it wasn’t If B GO VE bogies I enjoy using WOULD YOU LIKE A MOONLIGHT DIP, MISSUS? WS?” SHE SAID I’M NOT CA those about tax accountants as well as singing his famous CT the comedy T A BRO

YOU’LL HAVE TO WARM YOUR HANDS FIRST , THE ONL USE YO HOMOPHOBIC. about people who r who people about it for Emmerdale technique of MORNING CAMPERS! Gladys Pugh HOW TICKLED I AM ME HO I’M NOT

hem so good good so hem self- K

WHERE’S ME SHIRT? U NE UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES. song “Happiness”. THER , “ IDNE Y RE Y ME AND SAID SHE HAD deprecation AFRAID OF HAVE YOU EVER BEEN THE AIRBA SOME OF YOU SEEM TO HAVE GOT... David Brent VE I wouldn’t get any , OUR ARCHIE. I HA , “

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TICKLED UNDER WHA SON I SPE WHAT A WONDERFUL DAY IT IS very good at ? BER A OF TO THE ON WI THE LIGHT TO TEMPTED WH ONE ONL THE I AM CK THE CIRCUMSTANCES, P O’ Y ET G WORKS T’S THE GOOD S FOR RUNNING DOWN THE ROAD, cu at it. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT! Victor Meldrew epair sho TOAK HIM

STICKING A GREEN CUCUMBER HEN YO U MISSUS? tt fresh air at all. ing keys? .” S –Y KING SOLOMON HAD A THOUSAND WIVES. THROUGH THE LETTER BOXES ARIES

TE HIM. I ADMIT MY FRENCH COD... Officer Crabtree ALL HE SERENADED THEM DAILY. GE TO WHAT’S THE GOOD OF A THOUSAND WIVES AND SHOUTING, es ILET WHEN YOU’VE ONLY ONE UKULELE? “THE MARTIANS ARE COMING!” ANNIVERSARE LIKETOMEN USUMANAMISS THEM! OLIVE: OH, ARTHUR, THE DOCTOR... Olive & Arthur THIS FELLA GOES INTO BOOTS THE CHEMIST A BIT OF ADVICE: NEVER READ A POP-UP BOOK ABOUT GIRAFFES AND HE SAYS TO THIS VERY POSH GIRL ALCOPOPS REALLY SUMS UP MY DRINKING PROBLEM – NOT THE DRINK, IT’S THE NICKNAME MY KIDS HAD FOR ME BEHIND THE PERFUME COUNTER, CHRISTMAS USED TO BE TERRIBLE AT OUR HOUSE, NOT LIKE A DOG IS NOT INTELLIGENT. A GLASS OF WHITE WINE FOR THE LADY. The Pub Landlord I HAD THE “DO YOU MEASURE OLD MEN FOR TRUSSES?” NOW WHEN KIDS GET EVERYTHING. ONE YEAR, MY SISTER GOT A NEVER TRUST AN ANIMAL HARDEST JOB IN SHE SAYS, “I DO.” HE SAYS, MINIATURE SET OF PERFUMES CALLED ‘AMPLE’. THEY WERE TINY, THAT IS SURPRISED BY ITS “WELL, WASH YOUR HANDS AND GIVE AND EVEN I COULD SEE WHERE MY DAD HAD SCRAPED OFF THE ‘S’. OWN FARTS. OH, MISS JONES! Rupert Rigsby THE CHIP SHOP US A QUARTER OF COUGH CANDY.” ///// NOT REALLY A LOSS, NOT HAVING THE SWISS ON YOUR SIDE IN A WAR, IS IT? \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ /////////////// SEE THE LITTLE KNIVES THEY CARRY?\\\\\\\\\\\\ Three little lads are talking – each of them bragging about how their dad’s the “WHOA, BACK OFF, HE’S GOT SOME TWEEZERS…” greatest... The fi rst little lad says, “My dad’s the fastest man on earth.” The I’M NOT GAY. I PUT THE DAMP So then God created the world and on the fi rst day he created A THERE’S A WHERE THERE’S second little lad asks, “Well, how fast is he?” First one replies, “He’s so fast RE WILL UNLESS YOU’RE OOOOOH, RENE! Yvette Carte-Blanche you could fi re an arrow from a bow like Robin Hood – Twang! – He’d run after light and air and fi sh and jam and soup and potatoes and haircuts SALT IN THE that arrow and before it hit the target he would catch the arrow. Like that!” and arguments and small things and rabbits and people with FROM NEWCASTLE But the second little lad says, “Oh, my dad’s faster than that. He’s so fast you noses and jam, more jam, perhaps, and, er, and soot and fl ies LA AND BY ‘GAY’ CRUETS could fi re a bullet from a gun – Bang! – to a target a mile away. As the bullet and tobogganing and showers and toasters and grandmothers TIVE. YOU MEAN left the gun, my dad would be after it, faster than the speed of sound, and and Belgium. And on the second day he created fi re and water and eggnog and radiators and lights and Burma and things RULES IS RULES – AND IF WE HAD... The Pub Landlord before it hit the target he’d catch the bullet in his teeth!” So, the third little ‘OWNS A COAT’. lad pipes up: “Well, my dad’s faster than that. He works for Liverpool Council. that go “urh” and... and Colonel Gaddafi and Arthur Negus. On He fi nishes work at half-past fi ve and he’s in the house at two o’clock!” the third day he probably got lists and said, “I can’t remember what I’ve invented now. I’ve just been ad-libbing so far.” WHAT A BEAUTIFUL DAY FOR GOING UP TO COUNT ZEPPELIN AND SAYING YOU’LL NEVER SELL A SAUSAGE THAT SIZE! I WAS WATCHING WHAT LISTER: THE RED, GREEN AND BLUE... Dave Lister I THOUGHT WAS SUMO T WRESTLING ON TELEVISION TONS S L

DISCUMKNOCKERATED T FOR TWO HOURS BEFORE WMILL HE

I REALISED IT WAS DARTS MY CHILDHOOD WA JUST LIKE T WA BU WITHOU THE SA YOU STUPID BOY! – Captain Mainwearing

I’M IN A RELATIONSHIP AT THE MOMENT. THEY SAY MEN CAN PLUMPTIOUSNESS SORRY, GIRLS – IT’S GOING TO HAVE TO BE YOUR PLACE. NEVER EXPERIENCE WELL, MINISTER, IF YOU ASK ME... Sir I’M GLAD CAROL VORDERMAN THE PAIN OF CHILDBIRTH. HAS LEFT , THEY CAN IF YOU HIT I MEAN, IT’S NOT LIKE SHE DID MUCH. DON’T PANIC, DON’T PANIC! Lance-Corporal Jones SHE WAS EFFECTIVELY THEM IN THE GOOLIES JUST AN AUTISTIC WITH A CRICKET BAT – SHELF-STACKER. FOR FOURTEEN HOURS. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT... I WAS IN A BOOKSTORE THE OTHER DAY. THERE WAS A THIRD OFF ALL TITLES. ANYONE WHO THINKS WOMEN AREN’T FUNNY IS AN IDIOT; TWO OF MY FAVOURITE COMEDIANS OF THE LAST TWENTY-FIVE YEARS ARE LILY SAVAGE AND DAME EDNA EVERAGE. I BOUGHT “THE LION, THE WITCH”. HAPPINESS, HAPPINESS, THE GREATEST GIFT THAT I POSSESS THA I OFTEN WONDER WHETHER SALVATION ARMY KIDS AIR-TAMBOURINE IN THE BEDROOM SOUP – SOUP A TASTY... Howard Moon & Vince Noir T’S BE OU? My mum told me I’d better GOOD EVENING AND THANK YOU I THANK THE LORD THAT I’VE BEEN BLESSED FOR THE APPLAUSE. THERE’S STILL CA get a toilet brush, so I did. , DO Y NOTHING I LIKE MORE THAN A WITH MORE THAN MY SHARE OF HAPPINESS USE IT IS POSSIBLE WARM HAND UPON MY ENTRANCE. RODNEY: TRIGGER, WHAT ARE YOU... Rodney & Trigger I’ve been using it for a week GENT

but I’m thinking of going TE A THREE BLOKES GO INTO A PUB. ALL RIGHT, I SAY THREE; COULD HAVE BEEN FOUR OR FIVE. COULD HAVE BEEN NINE OR TEN, DOESN’T MATTER. COULD HAVE BEEN FIFTEEN,

TO ME THIS WORLD IS A WONDERFUL PLACE TA TWENTY – I DON’T MIND. FIFTY. ROUND IT UP. HUNDRED. LET’S GO MAD, EH – TWO- back to paper. FIFTY. TELL YOU WHAT, DOUBLE IT UP – FIVE HUNDRED. THOUSAND! OH, I’VE GONE NURSE GLADYS EMMANUEL: WHAT... – Nurse Gladys I’M THE LUCKIEST HUMAN IN THE HUMAN RACE MAD! TWO THOUSAND! FIVE THOUSAND! TELL YOU WHAT – ANYONE FIVE THOUSAND, SIX THOUSAND, TEN THOUSAND! A SMALL TOWN IN HERTFORDSHIRE GOES INTO A PUB! FIFTEEN THOUSAND BLOKES! ALL RIGHT, LET’S GO – POPULATION OF ROTTERDAM. THE HAGUE. WHOLE OF NORTHERN HOLLAND. MAINLAND UK. ALL I’VE GOT NO SILVER AND I’VE GOT NO GOLD YOU CAN’T INSULT ME. GOD GOT THERE FIRST. TO DIE OF SHAME. RIGHT, LET’S GO ALL THE WAY TO THE TOP – EUROPE, ALL RIGHT? WHOLE OF EUROPE GOES – I SAY EUROPE. COULD BE EURASIA. NOT THE BAND, OBVIOUSLY, THAT’S JUST GEORGE: MILDRED, AM I... – George & Mildred Roper TWO OF THEM. ALL RIGHT, CONTINENTS – NORTH AMERICA! PLUS SOUTH AMERICA! BUT I’VE GOT HAPPINESS IN MY SOUL WHY IS IT ALWAYS TUDOR HOUSES WE MOCK? PLUS ANTARCTICA – THAT’S JUST EIGHT BLOKES IN A WEATHER STATION, THAT’S NOT CLA FIRS IN S ROD THA “IS THINK, EVER THEY DO ENGINES, JET INT SUCKED GET BIRD BEFORE A VERY GOOD EXAMPLE. ALL RIGHT, MAKE IT A LOT SIMPLER: ALL THE BLOKES ON

TEW THE PLANET GO INTO THE PUB. FIRST BLOKE GOES UP TO THE BAR. HE SAYS, “I’LL

O GET THESE IN.” WHAT AN IDIOT... AND THE BARMAN SAYS, “THAT WILL BE 8.4 T SS? ” T

S BILLION POUNDS, PLEASE.” HE SAYS, “ARE YOU STILL DOING FOOD?” HAPPINESS TO ME IS AN OCEAN TIDE ART YOU’LL HAVE SOME TEA... Mrs Doyle / OU NEVER SEE AN OLD ES A SUNSET FADING ON A MOUNTAINSIDE Y I BLAME MYSELF FOR MY BOYFRIEND’S DEATH. I SHOT HIM. A BIG OLD HEAVEN FULL OF STARS ABOVE A FRIEND OF MINE ALWAYS WILSON: I SAY, THEY’RE AWFULLY... Wilson, Mainwaring, Pike WHEN I’M IN THE ARMS OF THE ONE I LOVE WANTED TO BE RUN OVER BY MAY I ASK WHAT YOU WERE... Basil Fawlty OH, HAPPINESS, HAPPINESS, THE GREATEST GIFT THAT I POSSESS A STEAM TRAIN. WHEN IT I THANK THE LORD THAT I’VE BEEN BLESSED WITH MORE THAN MY SHARE OF HAPPINESS HAPPENED HE WAS CHUFFED TO MR BLACKADDER ALWAYS SAYS... Baldrick BITS. HAPPINESS IS A FIELD OF GRAIN GARLIC BREAD, THAT’S RIGHT... Brian Potter TURNING ITS FACE TO THE FALLING RAIN e older you get, the be er you get – unle you’re a banana. MY KIDS HAVE BEAUTIFUL MANNERS. OUR JASON MAY BE A CAR THIEF I’M ONLY NOT SMOKING IN FRONT... Denise Royle I SEE IT IN THE SUNSHINE, BREATHE IT IN THE AIR BUT HE ALWAYS LEAVES A THANK-YOU NOTE ON THE PAVEMENT. HAPPINESS, HAPPINESS, EVERYWHERE I’M GOING TO SEE HOW MANY FRUIT PASTILLES IT TAKES TO KILL A KESTREL IT MIGHT APPEAR THAT I’M BEING... Dave Allen I READ IN MY LOCAL NEWSPAPER, THEY HAD THIS ADVERT: ‘PLEASE LOOK AFTER YOUR NEIGHBOURS It’s silly to make generalisations A WISE OLD MAN TOLD ME ONE TIME IN THE COLD WEATHER.’ AND SHALL I TELL YOU SOMETHING ABOUT THAT? I LIVE NEXT DOOR TO THIS 84-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. DO YOU KNOW, NOT but if you talk to anyone in the OK, ONE LAST TIME. THESE ARE SMALL... Father Ted Crilly ONCE HAS SHE COME ROUND TO SEE IF I’M ALL HAPPINESS IS A FRAME OF MIND RIGHT. LAZY COW HASN’T EVEN TAKEN HER MILK South for longer than fi ve minutes IN FOR A FORTNIGHT! WHEN YOU GO TO MEASURING A MAN’S SUCCESS they will try and sell you fruit FAMILY MEMBERS KEEP TRYING TO SET ME GODBER: I OWE A LOT TO, FLETCH... Norman Stanley Fletcher UP WITH MEN. THEY’RE ALWAYS COUSINS. DON’T COUNT MONEY, COUNT HAPPINESS OR COUSINS OF COUSINS. IT GETS VERY CONFUSING IN ASIAN CIRCLES – IF YOU CAN YOU BELIEVE I’VE HAD MY IDENTITY STOLEN? I WAS DRIVING BACK TO ME DON’T KEEP TRACK, YOU COULD END UP HOUSE. THE POLICEMAN SAID, “PULL OVER, PULL OVER.” I SAID, “I’M ON THE SLEEPING WITH YOURSELF. MY GRANDAD USED TO GO TO THIS FELLA WENT TO THE DOCTOR’S. PHONE.” HE SAID, “SOMEONE’S BEEN THROUGH YOUR BIN AND STOLEN YOUR THE DARBY AND JOAN CLUB – HE SAID: IDENTITY.” NOW, I DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT CREDIT CARD STATEMENTS, I JUST FOR THE PAST THIRTEEN MONTHS... Edmund Blackadder CATHERINE ZETA-JONES, SHE LIVES IN L.A. “DOCTOR, WHAT CAN I DO ABOUT YELLOW TEETH?” THOUGHT THEY’D FOUND BITS OF HAIR AND TEETH AND GONE “’ELLO, I’M I DON’T KNOW WHAT HE DID NOW, BUT GET THIS: SHE HAS BOTTLES OF ALAN.” DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY’D DONE? CLONED MY CREDIT CARD, GONE BUT HE GOT THREE NOTCHES THE DOCTOR SAID: AIR IMPORTED FROM WALES. WHEN I WANT OVER TO TESCO: TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY QUID ON ME CARD AT TESCO. HALF “WEAR A BROWN TIE.” MY HOUSE TO SMELL OF WALES I JUST KICK OF ME WAS FUMING, BUT THE OTHER HALF WAS: “OOH, THINK OF THE POINTS!” ON HIS WALKING STICK. MY DOG UNTIL IT FARTS. IT’S A FAR CRY FROM SMALL BOYS... Ron Manager I’VE THEY’LL POP YOUR PROVISIONS IN BA AND WHEN YOU’VE HAD A GOOD CHIN-W THEY ASK AFTER YOUR KIDS AND WIFE SHOPKEEPERS IN THE NORTH ARE NICE WHILE YOURS ARE BEING MENDED IF IT NEEDS REP THEY NEVER WILL BE OFFENDED IF ANYONE DARES CRITICISE THEIR W THE RIGHT CHANGE IS BEING TENDED A FRIENDL THE SERVICE IS AL WHEN I GO SHOPPING IN THE NORTH FIND DECIDED HOW TICKLED I AM TO CROQUET IS POLO TAKE BY ALL THIS GOOD WILL. UP Y SMILE YOU CAN COUNT ON WHILE A FOR PEOPLE WHO G-GRANVILLE? HOW DO YOU SPELL... Arkwright HAVE YOU EVER BEEN LIFE OF WHAT A BEAUTIFUL DAY AIRS THEY’LL EVEN LEND YOU THEIRS CRIME, WA ARE TOO FAT TO BUT FOR FILLING YOUR WIFE’S TIGHTS YS SPLENDID I CAN’T GET ON A HORSE TICKLED DECIDE EVERY TIME I COME UP HERE... Foggy WHICH BY GOOD WILL, POLITICAL PARTY I WAS GOING TO WATCH BIG BROTHER BUT I HAD UP WITH CUSTARD TO ARES JOIN ALL THIS SWEETCORN TO GLUE BACK ON TO A COB AG

MISSUS? G I HEARD A GREAT THING THE OTHER DAY. IT SAID THAT AND TRIFLING SCIENTISTS ARE GOING TO START TREATING ALCOHOLISM WITH DO KIPPERS LSD – THAT’S GOING TO MAKE TRAMPS VERY DIFFERENT PEOPLE. WITH HER AFFECTIONS SWIM FOLDED “ANY SPARE CHANGE, PAL? I’VE GOT A UNICORN TO FEED.” OR FLAT? WHAT’S RED AND SITS IN THE CORNER? A NAUGHTY BUS. 7. DOUBLE ACTS 8. TELEVISION B

IN A PACKED SHOW TONIGHT... The Two Ronnies ONE THING’S FOR SURE... Rick / The Young Ones I DO RON, RON Hale & Pace I’D OFFER YOU A BEER... Terry Collier / The Likely Lads PLEASE MR MUSIC, WILL YOU PLAY... Fry & Laurie I’M THE GOOD THAT... Linda / Gimmie Gimmie Gimmie TELL PETER CUSHING... Morecambe & Wise THE WORLD IS YOUR LOBSTER, MY SON. Arthur Daley / Minder TOMMY. THAT’S A PERCULIAR... Cannon & Ball I ALWAYS THINK YOU... Hyacyth Bucket / IN A PACKED SHOW TONIGHT... I DO RON, RON ABOUT THIS TIME OF NIGHT... Reeves & Mortimer IT TAKES TWO TO QUANGO... Sir Humphrey Appleby /

PLEASE MR MUSIC, WILL YOU PLAY? TELL PETER CUSHING THE CHEQUE’S IN THE POST IT’S BEEN CALLED ‘HEAVEN ON EARTH’ AND IT’S EASY TO SEE WHY I LOVE THE SMELL OF... Reeves & Mortimer – RIBENA IS PLENTIFUL, SHOE LACES ARE AVAILABLE IN DIFFERENT I ADMIT MY FRENCH COD... Officer Crabtree / ‘Allo, ‘Allo T O M M Y B O B B Y LENGTHS, AND THERE’S A NEW FRED BASSETT CARTOON STRIP IN THE THAT’S A PECULIAR PAIR OF SOCKS YES, I NOTICED THAT. AND THE EVERY DAY. BUT LET’S NOT FORGET THE PEOPLE OF BRITAIN YOU’VE GOT ON. ONE SOCK’S BLUE FUNNY THING IS, I’VE GOT ANOTHER I NEVER SAW MY GRANDAD... Harry Hill I NEVER SAW MY GRANDAD... Harry Hill AND THE OTHER’S YELLOW. PAIR AT HOME EXACTLY THE SAME. FOR IT IS THEY WHAT MAKE IT GOOD AND NICE. YIPPETY DOO-DAH!

DON’T BE INTIMIDATED BY THE FANCY NAME ‘VOL-AU-VENTS’. ERIC AND JUNE SELBY THAT’S JUST TYPICAL. FIVE MINUTES BEFORE THE MOST ABOUT THIS TIME OF THE NIGHT, ABOUT THIS TIME OF THE NIGHT, FROM , LANCS AVOIDED VOL-AU-VENTS FOR TWENTY YEARS, IGNORANT BOYAKASHA! Ali G OF THE FACT THAT THEY ARE MERELY PASTRY WITH A SIMPLE FILLING. THIS IS A IMPORTANT PARTY OF MY LIFE AND THE HOUSE IS BOYAKASHA! Ali G / I LIKE TO SLIP A PETRI DISH UNDER A SQUIRREL. I LIKE TO SLIP A CARAMAC UNDER A RABBIT. COMMON MISTAKE AMONGST WORKING-CLASS FOLK. SUCH A SHAME! DESTROYED BY A GIANT SANDWICH.

DF: MORNING. JS: MORNING. DF: SIT DOWN PLEASE. WHAT DID THE AS REGARDS THE KRANKIES SAY TO YOU? JS: THEY SAID ‘FAN-DABI-DOZI’. DF: I’M I INADVERTENTLY DROPPED... Mrs Slocombe I DIDN’T HAVE I INADVERTENTLY DROPPED... Mrs Slocombe / Are You Being Served? I LOVE THE SMELL OF VERY SORRY. SO? JS: WE NEED YOUR HELP. WE NEED YOU TO READ I LOVE THE SMELL OF “WET PSIGN IN THE GENTS SOME OF THE NEW SCRIPTS. DF: (SNIFF) MMM, YOU WEAR PRETTY A NERVOUS ’S BACKPACK, PEACH SKIN CREAM. (SNIFF) AND SOMETIMES MUM ROLL-ON RUSTY LEE’S BOG BRUSH, – THIS IS NOT AN INS WHICH SAYS DEODORANT. NOT TODAY... UNFORTUNATELY. JS: DID YOU DO THESE M.O: I LOVE THE SMELL OF DRAWINGS? DF: YES JENNIFER, THAT’S A SKETCH OF ME MEETING AND I LOVE THE SMELL VICKY – WHERE IS YOUR BABY? Vicky Pollard SUFFER FROM YOU’LL HAVE SOME TEA... Mrs Doyle / Father Ted AFTER THE ROYAL VARIETY SHOW. MEMORIES ANY ILLNESS? AINT” BERJARAC’S LAUNDRY ARE ALL I HAVE INSTEAD OF A VIEW. JS: PERHAPS THEN YOU’D CARE OF SCHWARZENEGGER’S FLETCHER: BAD FEET. TO LEND US YOUR VIEW ON THESE SCRIPTS? DF: OH NO, NO, NO, Y FED UP FOR TWO YEARS. ALL M.O: PAID A RECENT VISIT TRUCTION! SACK, WHERE AS I LOVE AND YOU WERE DOING SO WELL. STILL, JOKES NEVER WERE YOUR SLING BACKS, I LOVE THE TO A DOCTOR OR HOSPITAL? FORTE WERE THEY JENNIFER? WHY DO YOU THINK THEY WANT FLETCHER: ONLY FOR MY BAD FEET. US TO DO THESE SHOWS JENNIFER? JS: TO GET AWARDS, BAFTA’S, BREAKDOWN.AS CLINIC THE DEATH PENALTY... Mrs Merton M.O: ARE YOU NOW OR HAVE YOU BEEN WILSON: I SAY, THEY’RE AWFULLY... Wilson, Mainwaring, Pike / Dad’s Army THE SMELL OF ICE T’S TROPHIES I GUESS? DF: I NEVER DID KEEP MY TROPHIES. JS: NO, SMELL OF BAZIL BRUSH’S I W YOU ATE YOURS. DF: WITH A NICE CHIANTI. YOU’RE JUST ONE STEP AT ANY TIME A PRACTISING HOMOSEXUAL? IF HE BOBBLE HAT. COFFIN LOCKS. FLETCHER: WITH THESE FEET? AWAY FROM POOR WHITE TRASH AREN’T YOU JENNIFER? YOUR CAN’T MOTHER’S A BIOLOGY TEACHER IN CHESHIRE. AND IN THE NIGHT WELL GLAZE YOU’D GO OUT ON YOUR LITTLE PONY WOULDN’T YOU? AND YOU’D IGNORE FACTS, DREAM OF GETTING OUT.. OF GETTING ALL THE WAY TO THE BBC. SEE YOU JIMMY! CU Jimmy MAY I ASK WHAT YOU WERE... Basil Fawlty / Fawlty Towers COME CLOSER JENNIFER. I WANT A VIEW JENNIFER. I WANT TO SEE MY NIPPLES DRINK! FECK! ARSE! GIRLS! HE’S NO TREES AND SOME GRASS. YES... I WANT A DRESSING ROOM THAT BUSINESS OVER LOOKS THE BLUE PETER GARDEN. GO, GO... AND CALL HOW COULD YOU LOVE AN ONSLOW? TO BE ERANU! Vic Reeves & Bob Mortimer ME RITA. HE SINGS ON COACH TRIPS. A POLITICIAN. MR BLACKADDER ALWAYS SAYS... Baldrick / Blackadder BERNIE: MIKE, I JUST TOOK MY NEW GIRL-FRIEND ON A CAMPING HOLIDAY. MIKE: REALLY? DID YOU HAVE A GOOD TIME? BERNIE: OH YES... THE EXCITEMENT WAS IN TENTS. WELL, I’M THINKING OF CUP IT’ DENISE, WHA OOH, WHA I DIDN’T GET WHERE AM TO GREEN FROGS THRUS

S GOING M W H G D U Q O N R K C B E A P V F T L Y X S for you Z for breezes J for oranges VEN. I for respect for police for ‘vescence for adam for ‘ential for ‘th highlanders for mutton for ‘orse s for fi for tw o for mo’ for a song for a penny for the garden wall for ‘adig for ‘sis for leather for ‘ancis , for novello for gawd’s sake for breakfast for a bob for la France U. OR YO EDDY: DARLING, STOP ME DRINKING... Eddy & Patsy T’RE WE ‘A GARLIC BREAD, THAT’S RIGHT... Brian Potter / TOBO A BE

TWENTY-TWO WEARING Y BY

T’ DA AL SHOP lms MINUTES LATE: VIN’ F S THE TWIST? -A

T DOWN MY CROTCH. TED WITH BEETHO -SOUP – BUT WITH A TWIS UVAVU! Vic Reeves & Bob Mortimer ESCAPED PUMA, OR ST I’M ONLY NOT SMOKING IN FRONT... Denise Royle / Royle Family AL PEOPLE. WL NO AR DA CHESSINGTON THING IN HERE F TERS T OUCH THE THINGS. Y BY HA NORTH. S DECORA T A CUP S NO S OMORR WHAT FIRST, DEBBIE, ATTRACTED... Mrs Merton ANT IT MIGHT APPEAR THAT I’M BEING... Dave Allen VING OW ? C OR LO T. C THIS IS A LO THERE’ F DON’T T . UNDERP I DIDN’T GET WHERE AM TO SOUPY TWIST! WE DON’T DO DUVETS! Trevor & Simon THIS... BASIL’S WIFE. THIS... BASIL. THIS... OK, ONE LAST TIME. THESE ARE SMALL... Father Ted Crilly / Father Ted GEORGE: YOUR MOTHER CUT MY FACE OUT OF THE PICTURE. GRACIE: OH GEORGE YOU’RE BEING SENSITIVE. GEORGE: I AM NOT! LOOK AT MY FACE! WHAT HAPPENED TO IT? GRACIE: I DON’T KNOW; IT LOOKS LIKE YOU FELL ON IT. INTERVIEWER: EXCUSE ME MISS. Dick Emery SMACK ON HEAD GODBER: I OWE A LOT TO, FLETCH... Norman Stanley Fletcher / Porridge

GOOD EVENING LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE ARE THE DANGEROUS BROTHERS... HA HAH... DANGEROUS BROTHERS! I’VE TOLD THEM. JIMMY, WHAT’S FIVE AND FIVE? MORNING CAMPERS! Gladys Pugh FOR THE PAST THIRTEEN MONTHS... Edmund Blackadder / Blackadder OH. GOOD. MY NAME’S RICHARD DANGEROUS AND THIS IS ADRIAN DANGEROUS. THANK BALDRICK, DOES IT HAVE TO BE THIS YOU LADIES AND GENTLEMEN – UNUSUALLY DON’T USE YOUR FINGERS. WAY? OUR VALUED FRIENDSHIP ENDING DANGEROUS. I THINK YOU’LL AGREE. WE’D SOME OF YOU SEEM TO HAVE GOT... David Brent WITH ME CUTTING YOU INTO LONG IT’S A FAR CRY FROM SMALL BOYS... Ron Manager / LIKE TO START THIS EVENING WITH A LITTLE HANDS IN POCKETS. STRIPS AND TELLING THE YOU JOKE. JOKE! JOKE, ER...KNOCK KNOCK. WHOSE WALKED OVER A VERY SHARP CATTLE THERE? OPEN THE DOOR. OPEN THE DOOR GRID IN AN EXTREMELY HEAVY HAT? WHO? OPEN THE DOOR PLEASE I WANT TO WHAT’S FIVE AND FIVE? COME IN. OPEN THE DOOR PLEASE I WANT TO CAN YOU BELIEVE IT! Victor Meldrew G-GRANVILLE? HOW DO YOU SPELL... Arkwright / Open All Hours QUEEN: WHY MRS THATCHER. DO SIT DOWN. COME IN WHO? LOOK JUST OPEN THE (THATCHER SITS DOWN.) ELEVEN! QUEEN: DOOR! JUST OPEN THE DOOR WHO?! DO STAND UP. (THATCHER STANDS UP.) QUEEN: DO SIT DOWN. I ADMIT MY FRENCH COD... Officer Crabtree (THATCHER SITS DOWN.) EVERY TIME I COME UP HERE... Foggy / Last of the Summerwine MURRAY: IF I HAVE A RABBIT HUTCH AND I BUY BOBBY: A MAN DOWN OUR STREET BUILT HIMSELF QUEEN: ANOTHER RABBIT, HOW MANY RABBITS WOULD I HAVE? A WOODEN MOPED. IT HAD WOODEN WHEELS DO STAND UP. MOONEY: WHY, TWO OF COURSE AND A WOODEN ENGINE. THATCHER: MURRAY: NO, TEN. IS THIS PROTOCOL, MA’AM ? YOU SAID THAT WITHOUT MOVING YOUR LIPS MOONEY: YOU DON’T KNOW YOUR ARITHMETIC. TOMMY: OH YES ? WHAT HAPPENED TO IT ? QUEEN: MURRAY: YOU DON’T KNOW MY RABBITS. BOBBY: WOODEN GO. OLIVE: OH, ARTHUR, THE DOCTOR... Olive & Arthur SILLYBNO, NO. IT’S JUST FUN BEING QUEEN. ILLY VICKY – WHERE IS YOUR BABY? Vicky Pollard / Little Britain JERRY: LOOK, I’VE JUST CUT MY FINGER CLIPPING YOUR BLASTED HEDGE. BARBARA: OH, JIM, YOU HAVE MORE FACES THAN THE TOWN-HALL CLOCK. MARGOT: DON’T SWEAR JERRY. AND DON’T BLEED IN THE SINK, I’VE JUST CLEANED IT. NANA: YES, AND EVERY ONE OF THEM IS MISERABLE. . . DAIS WHO AL DAIS GERT DOROTHY: YOU NEVER GIVE TO CHARITY. DO, DO, DO THE FUNKY GIBBON GARY: DO YOU KNOW , A YOGHURT POT FULL OF MY Y: BERT GOT IT FROM ONE OF THEM MEN DAIS Y: YERSE. STILL, IT’LL SOON W A GLASS OF WHITE WINE FOR THE LADY. The Pub Landlord SEMEN COULD REPOPULATE THE WHOLE OF IRELAND? THE DEATH PENALTY... Mrs Merton / The Mrs Merton Show THE FUNKY GIBBON : PA GARY: I DO. I BUY POPPIES. WAYS DOROTHY: HAVEN’T THEY HAD A TRAGIC ENOUGH

Y: DO Y DOROTHY: YOU BOUGHT A POPPY IN 1989. WE ARE HERE TO SHOW YOU HOW TTERN’S A BIT BRIGHT HISTORY WITHOUT YOU TURNING UP AT THE BORDER

GERT YOU MAKE ME IRON IT EVERY YEAR. WITH YOUR YOGHURT POT? HA

APER ABOUT MILK OOO, OOO, OOO OU LIKE ME NEW LINO? VE A BIT O : OOH, YERSE! OH, MISS JONES! Rupert Rigsby SEE YOU JIMMY! CU Jimmy / The Russ Abbot Show OOO, OOO, OOO HOLD A CHICKENTHE IN THE FUNKY AIR GIBBON VER FROM A JOB. THE FUNKY GIBBON OOOOOH, RENE! Yvette Carte-Blanche IT’S JUST LIKE YOU. SO COME ON AND DO ERANU! Vic Reeves & Bob Mortimer / Shooting Stars , AIN’T IT STICK THE FUNKY GIBBON NOW ASH ORF A DECKCHAIR UP YOUR NOSE. Y KNOWS HERAND RUGBY HER DOMINOES. LEAGUE, BUY A JUMBO JET AINL AND SHE CAN SUP PINTS ? LIKE A GOOD ‘UN. . RULES IS RULES – AND IF WE HAD... The Pub Landlord AND THEN BURY ALL YOUR CLOTHES EDDY: DARLING, STOP ME DRINKING... Eddy & Patsy / PAINT YOUR LEFT KNEE GREEN THEN EXTRACT YOUR WISDOM TEETH BY GUM, SHE’S ARF WAY TO BEING MY IDEA OF T’PERFECT WOMAN: I WROTE THREE COLUMNS IN THE P DID THEY PUBLISH ALL THREE COLUMNS? NO THEY CONDENSED IT SHE CERT FORM A STRING QUARTETAND PRETEND YOUR NAME IS KEITH A BLOKE WITH BIG KNOCKERS. THEY TELL ME YOU LEFT COLLEGE. LISTER: THE RED, GREEN AND BLUE... Dave Lister UVAVU! Vic Reeves & Bob Mortimer / Shooting Stars I COULDN’T GET ON WITH THE CHEMEESESTRY I THANK YOU, DEAR FATHER, FOR THE GOOD THINGS OF LIFE – CHEMEESESTRY? CHEMEESESTRY–CUTIPHARMICAL WORK. FOR MY CHILDREN, FOR MY HEALTH, FOR MY ABILITY TO OUT-GOB BOB: DID THELMA CALL? CUTIPHARMICAL WORK? THOSE WHO SEEK TO ARGUE WITH ME – AND I ASK THEE TO BLESS CARTIPHUMICAL WORK. TERRY: NO. CARTIPHUMICAL WORK? ALL THE LITTLE CHILDREN, ALL THE LITTLE ANIMALS, THE OLD YOU’VE GOT TO HAVE A STIFF TICKET. LADY FAME YOU STUPID BOY! – Captain Mainwearing AND THE SICK – AND ALL FLAT-CHESTED WOMEN. BOB: ARE YOU SURE? WHAT FIRST, DEBBIE, ATTRACTED... Mrs Merton / The Mrs Merton Show THAT’S A STIFF TICKET? A STIFF TICKET. DOESN’T SHOP TERRY: WE DON’T A CERTIFICATE! A CERTIFICATE. OI! AT MARKS. HAVE A OI! AMEN. YOU YOU SEE YOU ARE MAKING UP CRISPICTIONS. WELL, MINISTER, IF YOU ASK ME... Sir Humphrey Appleby WE DON’T DO DUVETS! Trevor & Simon / Going Live CRISPICTIONS? SHE SHOPS PHONE. THE ARTFUL DODGER W YES – FOR PEOPLE THAT ARE SNOWING. W HIM AND I DON’T THINK HE’D HA SNOWING? HIMSELF QUITE SO “A AT TESCO... AS ME WHO SA AILING! THEY GO TO SISISKIAN. . IT W VE COUNSELLING! DETENTION CENTER, WHICH IS WHERE I’D HA Y UPSET AS A THIEF THAT THEY GO TO PHYSICIAN. AS TRAPPED UNDER PUT HIM. THIEVING IST THIEVINGHOME”VE IN ANDCONSIDEREDA JUVENILE SHE ONLY A: I’M REALL F HOURS - . OR A STURGEON. DON’T PANIC, DON’T PANIC! Lance-Corporal Jones ANIT INTERVIEWER: EXCUSE ME MISS. Dick Emery / The Dick Emery Show A STURGEON? A SURGEON. NO AMOUNT OF OOM-P SITTING ON THE TOILET - I THINK I SHOULD HA AND HE GIVES THEM CRISPICTION. Y: COUNSELLING! MY MOTHER W HAROLD: WHAT’S THAT? ALBERT: IT’S ONLY DUST. BOOM- GOES TO DOLL TITTY HE GIVES THEM A PRESCRIPTION. A BLACKPOOL TRAM FOR FOUR AND A HAL HAROLD: DUST? THAT’S NOT DUST, THAT’S BLEEDING A-PA OR VE TOP-SOIL. LIVE HERE MUCH LONGER WE WON’T CHANGE THA-TITTY WILL IS. WELL, THEY TAKE IT TO SLIPPERS. SHE DIDN’T GET COUNSELLING. SHE GOT A CUP OF TEA AND TWO TICKETS TO CHARLIE ! NEED A VACUUM CLEANER, WE’LL NEED A PLOUGH. TAKE IT TO SLIPPERS? MARKS FOR T. SEE THAT PETER BEARDSLEY? SHOES. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT... Alan Partridge MORNING CAMPERS! Gladys Pugh / Hi-di-hi! SHOES? THEY TAKE IT TO BOOTS! HER BITS. DORIEN: GOOD AFTERNOON, NEIGHBOURS. SHARON: IT WAS, UP UNTIL NOW. I’M AWARE OF HIM BOOTS! OI! THAT’S YOUR GIRLFRIEND THAT IS. OI! DORIEN: NOW, NOW, SHARON. FAT PEOPLE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE JOLLY; IT’S A TRADITION. ARE YOU ‘AVIN’ A LAUGH?

SOUP – SOUP A TASTY... Howard Moon & Vince Noir SPUDGUN: WHAT DID MEDIEVAL PEOPLE DO SOME OF YOU SEEM TO HAVE GOT... David Brent / The Office MUD, MUD, GLORIOUS MUD BEFORE TELLY? HEDGEHOG: WELL, THEY PROBABLY MISTER HAD THEIR TEA, DIDN’T THEY? EDDIE: NO, BEFORE LA-DE-DA YOU WOULDN’T NOTHING QUITE LIKE IT RODNEY: TRIGGER, WHAT ARE YOU... Rodney & Trigger TELLY WAS INVENTED. HEDGEHOG: OH, THEY HAD GUNNER CAN YOU BELIEVE IT! Victor Meldrew / COCK-FIGHTS. SPUDGUN: NO WONDER THEY ALL GRAHAM FOR COOLING THE BLOOD! GOT THE PLAGUE. LET IT LIE! BARBARA: GIVE US A GO OF THAT NEW LIPPY, DENISE. IT’S A LOVELY COLOUR, MEET THE GANG / ‘COS THE BOYS ARE HERE / THE BOYS TO NURSE GLADYS EMMANUEL: WHAT... – Nurse Gladys IN’T IT? YOU KNOW I CAN’T USUALLY WEAR RED, IT DOES NOTHING FOR ME. I ADMIT MY FRENCH COD... Officer Crabtree / ‘Allo, ‘Allo SO FOLLOW ME, FOLLOW CAN’T WEAR RED, CAN I, JIM? JIM: NO, THAT’S WHAT’S HELD YOU BACK ALL ENTERTAIN YOU / WITH MUSIC AND LAUGHTER / TO HELP THESE YEARS. BARBARA: D’YA KNOW I AM LOOKING MY AGE, IT’S THESE LAST FEW MONTHS IT’S CREPT UP ON ME. MIND YOU IT COULD BE WORSE AT LEAST YOU ON YOUR WAY / TO RAISING THE RAFTERS / WITH A I’VE STILL GOT ME SCHOOLGIRL FIGURE. JIM: I MUST CLEAN THAT MIRROR. HEY, HEY, HEY / WITH SONGS, SKETCHES, AND JOKES OLD DOWN TO THE HOLLOW DENISE: GET LOST, DAD, MAM’S GOT A GREAT FIGURE FOR A WOMAN HER AGE. BARBARA: IT’S GONNA BE REALLY TEMPTING WORKING AT THAT BAKERS. I AND NEW / WITH US ABOUT / YOU WON’T FEEL BLUE / SO GEORGE: MILDRED, AM I... – George & Mildred Roper DON’T WANNA PUT ANY WEIGHT ON BEFORE THE WEDDING, I WANT TO GET MEET THE GANG / ‘COS THE BOYS ARE HERE / THE BOYS TO OLIVE: OH, ARTHUR, THE DOCTOR... Olive & Arthur / On the Buses MESELF A REALLY NICE LITTLE SUIT. JIM: WHY DON’T YOU GO IN YOUR SCHOOL AND THERE LET US WALLOW UNIFORM, IT STILL FITS YOU, DOESN’T IT? ENTERTAIN YOU / B, O, B O Y S / BOYS TO ENTERTAIN YOU! IN GLORIOUS MUD! YOU’LL HAVE SOME TEA... Mrs Doyle / Father Ted THIS WEEK I ‘AVE MOSTLY BEEN EATING... RASPBERRY POP-TARTS A GLASS OF WHITE WINE FOR THE LADY. The Pub Landlord IT'S A PUT-UP JOB. WHAT'S A PUT-UP JOB? PAPER HANGING. I DON'T WISH TO KNOW THAT; KINDLY LEAVE . WILSON: I SAY, THEY’RE AWFULLY... Wilson, Mainwaring, Pike OKEY-COKEY, PIG IN A POKEY! OH, MISS JONES! Rupert Rigsby / Rising Damp HELLO, GENTS...OH, IT’S HALF-PAST NINE. TIME FOR MEN, MEN WITH JOBS, TO GO TO DO YOU KNOW WHERE I WENT, I GOT MY HEAD IN MY PANTS. I WAS A FAMOUS FOOTBALLER WORK! OTHER MEN STAY IN BED ‘TIL DINNER TIME, WATCHING TOTS TV, THINKING MOTHER? I WENT TO A MUSEUM. I WOULDN’T BELIEVE IT ‘LESS I’D ONCE. AN ITALIAN TEAM WANTED ABOUT HOW WORTHLESS AND PATHETIC THEY ARE... GOOD MORNING JOBSEEKERS! WENT INTO A MUSEUM? YES I SEEN IT. I’M IN A GROOVY DISCO TO BUY ME FOR A FANTASTIC SUM.

MAY I ASK WHAT YOU WERE... Basil Fawlty GER OOOOOH, RENE! Yvette Carte-Blanche / ‘Allo, ‘Allo WITH A BOB CUT AND MAGNIFICENT BOSOM. WENT INTO A MUSEUM. WHAT DID TRANCE. ARE YOU SURE THAT’S WHAT WAS YOUR SPECIALITY? BASIL: LISTEN... GER

DRIBBLING... I WAS HAVING ALDINE: YOU WERE EXPECTING A BLOKE –

HYGENIC? THEY WERE CLEAN ALDINE: AND INSTEAD YOU GOT A BABE

YOU GO INTO A MUSEUM FOR? WAS DA

TROUBLE WITH MY FALSE TEETH VID: IT RAINING? NO, DARLING, IT ON JUST LAST WEEK. GOOD BEARD, BIBLE, BAD BREA GRIEF THEY’RE GOING TO REEK. AT THE TIME. DID YOU MEET THE ANTED WASN’T RAINING. I WENT TO SEE DON’T MENTION THE WAR... YES, THA ANCIENT CURIOSITY. AN ANCIENT YEH,YEH BABY LOOK AT ME! I’VE MANAGER OF THE ITALIAN TEAM? MR BLACKADDER ALWAYS SAYS... Baldrick I MENTIONED IT ONCE, BUT I THINK I GOT AWAY WITH IT ALL RIGHT... SO IT’S RULES IS RULES – AND IF WE HAD... The Pub Landlord I CERTAINLY DID. HE TOOK ONE CURIOSITY? AN ANCIENT CURIOSITY. GOTTA DANCE IN MY PANTS. ... I W ALL FORGOTTEN NOW AND LET’S HEAR NO MORE ABOUT IT. SO... THAT’S TWO JUST LIKE THEY DO IN FRANCE. LOOK AT ME, THREW HIS ARMS T SOR YOU HAD TO GO OUT TO A MUSEUM OUR FISHBOWL EGG MAYONNAISE, A PRAWN GOEBBELS, A HERMANN GOERING, AND FOUR YOU GOTTA TAKE A CHANCE. AROUND ME AND KISSED ME ON BOTH COLDITZ SALADS... NO, WAIT A MOMENT, I GOT A BIT CONFUSED THERE, SORRY... TO SEE AN ANCIENT CURIOSITY? T OF THING. AND DO THE KNICKERS ON CHEEKS. HE KISSED YOU? AND WHAT WELL I... WHY DIDN’T YOU COME DID YOU DO? WHAT COULD I DO? GARLIC BREAD, THAT’S RIGHT... Brian Potter I GOT A BIT CONFUSED BECAUSE EVERYONE KEEPS MENTIONING THE WAR, SO LISTER: THE RED, GREEN AND BLUE... Dave Lister / Red Dwarf HOME TO SEE YOUR MOTHER? YOUR NOODLE PRANCE. COULD YOU PLEASE... WHAT’S THE MATTER? GUEST: IT’S ALL RIGHT. BASIL: IS TH. AND DANCE IN YOUR I MARRIED HIM. THERE SOMETHING WRONG? GUEST: WILL YOU PLEASE STOP TALKING ABOUT THE WAR? BASIL: ME? YOU STARTED IT! GUEST: WE DID NOT START IT. JUST A THOUGHT TO POP INTO Y YOU LITTEL LIAR! PANTS! YOU LIT-TEL LI-AR! I’M ONLY NOT SMOKING IN FRONT... Denise Royle TO SEE IF IT BLOWS BUBBLES BASIL: YES YOU DID, YOU INVADED POLAND. YOU STUPID BOY! – Captain Mainwearing / Dad’s Army WOULD Y 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 VINCE : PEN, WHA INTERRUPTING? Y INTERRUPTING? I NEVER INTERRUPT

IT MIGHT APPEAR THAT I’M BEING... Dave Allen THINKING OF SOMEONE ELSE. WELL, MINISTER, IF YOU ASK ME... Sir Humphrey Appleby / Yes Minister OU JUST FOR THIS ONCE ALLOW ME TO SPEAK WITHOUT

26 34 BEST MY T’S TWENTY-TWO OU WILL NEVER T I HA OK, ONE LAST TIME. THESE ARE SMALL... Father Ted Crilly MINUTES LATE, OU SEE, PEN... PENNY DON’T PANIC, DON’T PANIC! Lance-Corporal Jones / Dad’s Army

NUMBERWANG! VE TO SA

TION WITH SOMEONE? AND BADGER ATE A JUNCTION BOX ARE YE DANCIN’? NAW I’VE JIST LEFT MA ENGIN’ RUNNING! SOOPERSONIC! Y ISN’T GOING TO BE EAS PENNY HELP YOU, SIR? UM, A DOZEN GROLLINGS PLEASE. FLUSHED OR GALVERNISED? FLUSHED. RIGHT. THAT BE IT? A COPPER GODBER: I OWE A LOT TO, FLETCH... Norman Stanley Fletcher AT NEW WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT... Alan Partridge / I’m Alan Partridge . VINCE: NO. I MUST BE

ARRRRR ON? FLANGE-PIPE, BRACED,TWO JUBILLEES,SEVEN NIPPLES... GREASED? GREASED NIPPLES, YEAH. FIVE OLIVE-SPANTLES, : WHA : YES, Y

JIGGED AND ONIONED. TWELVE OR SEVENTEEN MILL? TWELVE, METRE OF FLEELING WIRE,COAXIAL, TWENTY UP’S AND THEIR KNITTING. VING A GO AT MALDEN. A PARPING COUPLET. MALE OR FEMALE? MALE. NO SECOND THOUGHTS, ONE OF EACH. DO YOU WANT THE PARPING

COURSE IT IS, SILLY ME T DO Y COUPLET STANDING PROUD? NO, EMBARRASSED I THINK. AN EMBARRASSED PARPING COUPLET. THAT IT? TWO

ROLLS OF SPOWLING TAPE. DOUBLE-SIDED? DO THEY DO SINGLE-SIDED? ONLY IN VIENNESE LENGTHS. BETTER GO OU MUS

DOUBLE THEN. SIX SHEETS OF GRUDDOCK PAPER. PARKINISED? NO. RIGHT. NEARLY THERE. FOUR FELCHING PENS THAN HA OU MEAN W THERE’S A AND A BEVELLED SPILL-TRUNION. ONLY GOT ONE FELCHING PEN LEFT. GOT SOME FROTTING PENCILS THOUGH. WILL SOUP – SOUP A TASTY... Howard Moon & Vince Noir / The Mighty Boosh THEY DO? WELL YOU KNOW THE THRUSH-PLATE? YEAH. YOU CAN USE A FROTTING PENCIL ON THAT, RUDE TO THE T. Y. SO

LOOK-OUT VALVE ON THE FUMPSPOKE AND YOU CAN CUT OUT THE FELCHING ALTOGETHER, AS LONG AS YOU RIM THE TTITUDE TO MEETING PEOPLE IS SIMPLE. WHA VE A BETTER CHANCE TO RUN DOWN FELLOW PENSIONER OU KNO SATCHEL-ARM PROPERLY FIRST. RIGHT, FOUR FROTTING PENCILS THEN. SO THAT’S IT, IS IT? YUP. YOU’VE ALREADY GOT THE ANSWER IS CRITICISING THEM. LADIES, Y HA WHAT’S OCCURIN’?

A CLIP-JAWED DOUBLE LOCK BRACE HAVE YOU? DO YOU RECKON I’LL NEED ONE? WELL, ARE YOU OR MY A CURVED? STRAIGHT, THEN CURVED. AH. WELL YOU SHOULD BE ALL RIGHT THEN, AS LONG AS YOU REMEMBER TO SUCK CHANCE OF STRIKING UP A CONVERSA SILLY YOU DON’T Y THE CLENCHING PIN TIGHT TO THE ARC THRUST. SLAP HOW DARE YOU. SORRY. RODNEY: TRIGGER, WHAT ARE YOU... Rodney & Trigger / Only Fools & Horses

RENÉ: I WOULD LIKE TO TURN MYSELF IN. CRABTREE: DO YOU WASH CAIRO!... VERY UNSTABLE, POLITICALLY, PANDIMONIUM!... A POIONOUS MONKEY... VERY PLAY THE GAME YOU CADS, PLAY THE GAME! TO CONFUSS TO SOME FORM OF CREAM? RENÉ: YES. CREAM GALORE! SMALL CHAPS, BUT IMMENSLY STRONG... HAH! NURSE GLADYS EMMANUEL: WHAT... – Nurse Gladys / Open All Hours CRABTREE: IN THAT CURSE, YOU MUST FILL IN A FOAM, HERE IS A LIST LIKE THAT. IT WAS A COMPLETELY WASTED I SHOULD HA JOURNEY... SNAKE! SNAKE! AAH! BRRR! GIN!... YEAH. MARVELLOUS SONGS. ‘START SPREADING THE NEWS, MY DONKEY, HE DON’T LIKE HIS PANCAKES SWEET, OF CREAMS AND I WILL TICK WHAT YOU HAVE DIN. DO YOU WASH TO

VE GONE OVER TO MUESLI.... LIFT THE THING UP, I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT TO IM LEAVING TODAY...’ YEAH, WELL, DON’T GO ON MY ACCOUNT. MY DONKEY, HE DON’T LIKE HIS TEATIME TREATS, CONFUSS TO MORDOR? RENÉ: NO. CRABTREE: MINSLATTER? RENÉ: NO. DO... I MADE A DREADFUL HASH OF HIS ARM, YEAH,WHAT ABOUT THAT OTHER ONE: ‘UNFORGETTABLE. MY DONKLEY LIKES IT SAVOURY, CRABTREE: BIGLARY? RENÉ: NO. CRABTREE: BIGLARY WOTH MINACES? I REALLY DID... I FREELY ADMIT, GEORGE: MILDRED, AM I... – George & Mildred Roper / George & Mildred UNFORGETTABLE, DA DA DA DA...” NO THAT WAS OLE KING COLE, HE LIKES HIS FAGGOTS AND GRAVY, RENÉ: NO. CRABTREE: ROOP? RENÉ: NO. CRABTREE: HANDBOG OF COURSE. BUT HE’S PLAYED WITH ALL THE GREATS, OF COURSE, OH NO DEAR, THE CONTINENT IS TERRIBLE THIS TIME OF YEAR! MY DONKEY, HE DON’T LIKE HIS PANCAKES SWEET. SNITCHING? RENÉ: NO. CRABTREE: ARSIN? RENÉ: WHAT IS “ARSIN”? THAT I WAS VERY, FRANK. DUKE WELLINGTON, THE JIMMY RIDDLE ORCHESTRA, COUNT BASSIE, SHIRLEY’S DAD,’COS IN THE FIFTIES HE HAD A SORT IF I HAD ANY SENSE I’D WALK OUT ON YOU! CRABTREE: SETTING FIRE TO PLACES. VERY DRUNK. OF GANG. YEAH, I’VE HEARD OF THEM, THE SIX PACK. THE RAT PACK. WELL, IT’S A GOOD THING YOU HAVEN’T ANY SENSE. WHO ARE THEY, THEN ? OH, DEAN MARTIN, SAMMY DAVIES JUNIOR, KRYTEN: I HAVE AN EXCELLENT JOKE FOR YOU WHOLE OF THIS FOGGY: THAT MAN HAS A ALASTAIR COOK, MICHAEL CRAWFORD AND KENNY LUNCH. WHAT HOLLY. WHY DID THE ELECTRON CROSS THE HOLE IN HIS TROUSERS! THE PERMISSIVE SOCIETY A BUNCH OF GUYS. BUT HE’S THE GOVERNOR, FRANK, WE CALL HIM CATHOLIC THING IS BIOSPHERE? HOLLY: BECAUSE NO ONE HAS CLEGG: YES, IT’S JUST DOESN’T EXIST. I KNOW, THE BOSS. DO YOU? FANCY HIM WORKING DOWN THE DEPOT. IT CERTAINLY IS! YET REPEATED THE 8TH LAW OF KINETICS. A BIT OF A PUZZLER, HIS WAY OF SHOWING HIS KRYTEN: OH, YOU’VE HEARD IT. ISN’T IT TED? I’VE LOOKED FOR IT. NOW IS THE TIME TO SAY GOODBYE. GOODBYE. NOW IS THE TIME TO YIELD A SIGH. YIELD IT, YIELD IT. NOW IS THE TIME TO WEND OUR WAAAAYEEEEEE. LET’S WEND. INDIVIDUALITY. UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN. SOME SUNNY DAY. GOODBYE. GOODBYE. WE’RE LEAVING YOU, GOODBYE. GOODBYE. WE WISH YOU ALL GOODBYE. FARTATATA, FARTATATA 16. TELEVISION A 17. CATCHPHRASES A

ONE THING’S FOR SURE... Rick / The Young Ones LOADSAMONEY! – I’D OFFER YOU A BEER... Terry Collier / The Likely Lads YOU’RE MY WIFE NOW! – Papa Lazarou / I’M THE GOOD THAT... Linda / Gimmie Gimmie Gimmie DOES MY BUM LOOK BIG IN THIS? – / The Fast Show THE WORLD IS YOUR LOBSTER, MY SON. Arthur Daley / Minder OOOO! LOOK AT THE MUCK ON ‘ERE! – I ALWAYS THINK YOU... Hyacyth Bucket / Keeping Up Appearances BY GUM... I’VE SUPPED SOME ALE TONEEET! – Frank Randle IT TAKES TWO TO QUANGO... Sir Humphrey Appleby / Yes Minister £ LOADSAMONEY! £ SUIT YOU, SIR! – Ken & Kenneth / The Fast Show I ADMIT MY FRENCH COD... Officer Crabtree / ‘Allo, ‘Allo LOVELY JUBBLY – Del Boy /

I NEVER SAW MY GRANDAD... Harry Hill DOES MY BUM LOOK BIG IN THIS? SHUT THAT DOOR! – Larry Grayson OOOO! LOOK AT THE MUCK ON ‘ERE! BOYAKASHA! Ali G / Da Ali G Show BY GUM... I’VE SUPPED SOME ALE TONEEET! MAGIC, OUR MAURICE – Bill Maynard I INADVERTENTLY DROPPED... Mrs Slocombe / Are You Being Served? D’OH!. – Jimmy Finlayson YOU’LL HAVE SOME TEA... Mrs Doyle / Father Ted THE SIZE OF IT! – Alex Munro SUIT YOU, SHUT WILSON: I SAY, THEY’RE AWFULLY... Wilson, Mainwaring, Pike / Dad’s Army LOVELY THAT TO ME. TO YOU. – The Chuckle Brothers MAY I ASK WHAT YOU WERE... Basil Fawlty / Fawlty Towers SIR! LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY, I SHALL SAY... – Michelle Dubois / ‘Allo, Allo!

MAGIC, OUR D’OH! MR BLACKADDER ALWAYS SAYS... Baldrick / Blackadder JUBBLY MAURICE DOOR! AREN’T PLUMS CHEAP! – Bob Nelson THE SIZE OF IT! NICK, NICK, NICK! GARLIC BREAD, THAT’S RIGHT... Brian Potter / Phoenix Nights LISTEN I’VE HAD MY MOMENTS, YOU KNOW? – Suzette Terry V E R Y I’M ONLY NOT SMOKING IN FRONT... Denise Royle / Royle Family CAREFULLY, WHAT HAPPENED WAS... – Jethro TO I SHALL TO IT MIGHT APPEAR THAT I’M BEING... Dave Allen SAY THIS WHAT’S ON THE END OF THE STICK, VIC? – Bob Mortimer O N L Y OK, ONE LAST TIME. THESE ARE SMALL... Father Ted Crilly / Father Ted ME ONCE YOU IT’S A PUPPET! – GODBER: I OWE A LOT TO, FLETCH... Norman Stanley Fletcher / Porridge AREN’T PLUMS CHEAP! I’VE HAD ME MOMENTS, YOU KNOW! WHAT HAPPENED WAS... HELLO MY DARLINGS! – Charlie Drake FOR THE PAST THIRTEEN MONTHS... Edmund Blackadder / Blackadder WHAT’S ON THE END OF THE STICK, VIC? ME OLD FLOWER – Charlie Williams IT’S A HELLO, MY ME OLD PUPPET! DARLINGS! FLOWER IT’S A FAR CRY FROM SMALL BOYS IN THE PARK. IT’S A FAR CRY FROM SMALL BOYS... Ron Manager / The Fast Show I’VE ARRIVED – AND TO PROVE IT, I’M HERE! – Max Bygraves JUMPERS FOR GOALPOSTS. ISN’T IT? MMMMM. MARVELLOUS. G-GRANVILLE? HOW DO YOU SPELL... Arkwright / Open All Hours I’VE ARRIVED – AND TO PROVE IT, I’M HERE! FAN-DABI-DOZI – The Krankies EVERY TIME I COME UP HERE... Foggy / Last of the Summerwine ...COMPUTER SAYS ’NO’! – Carol Beer / Little Britain VICKY – WHERE IS YOUR BABY? Vicky Pollard / Little Britain IF A SERGEANT SUFFERED! – Harry Korris ...COMPUTER SAYS ‘NO’! THE DEATH PENALTY... Mrs Merton / The Mrs Merton Show IF EVER A SERGEANT SUFFERED! WHAT WOULD YOU DO, CHUMS? WHAT WOULD YOU DO, CHUMS? – Syd Walker OH, Eeeh... IN’T IT BOOM, SEE YOU JIMMY! CU Jimmy / The Russ Abbot Show MOSES! BOOM! OH, MOSES! – Derek Nimmo

ERANU! Vic Reeves & Bob Mortimer / Shooting Stars S Y EEEH... IN’T IT GRAND WHEN YER DAFT! – Albert Modley EDDY: DARLING, STOP ME DRINKING... Eddy & Patsy / Absolutely Fabulous H O BOOM, BOOM! – Basil Brush UVAVU! Vic Reeves & Bob Mortimer / Shooting Stars E U SHE KNOWS YOU KNOW! – Hlyda Baker

I HA K WHAT FIRST, DEBBIE, ATTRACTED... Mrs Merton / The Mrs Merton Show K VEN’T HAD IT UP FOR AGES I HAVEN’T HAD IT UP FOR AGES – Marie Lloyd

AUGH! WE DON’T DO DUVETS! Trevor & Simon / Going Live N N MEET THE WIFE – Don’t Laugh! O O INTERVIEWER: EXCUSE ME MISS. Dick Emery / The Dick Emery Show W W THE SAME PROCEEDURE AS LAST YEAR, MISS SOPHIE? – Freddy Frinton

MEET THE WIFE – DON’T L MORNING CAMPERS! Gladys Pugh / Hi-di-hi! S ! PLAY THE MUSIC. OPEN THE CAGE! – Arthur English THE SAME PROCEDURE AS LAST YEAR, MISS SOPHIE? SOME OF YOU SEEM TO HAVE GOT... David Brent / The Office PLAY THE MUSIC! OPEN THE CAGE! ON BEHALF OF THE WORKING CLASSES ON BEHALF OF THE WORKING CLASSES – Billy Russell CAN YOU BELIEVE IT! Victor Meldrew / One Foot in the Grave NUDGE WINK NUDGE NUDGE, WINK WINK... – Norman / Monty Python’s Flying Circus SAY NO MORE! RIG NUDGE WINK I ADMIT MY FRENCH COD... Officer Crabtree / ‘Allo, ‘Allo HT MONKE RIGHT MONKEY! – Al Read MOO! OLIVE: OH, ARTHUR, THE DOCTOR... Olive & Arthur / On the Buses I’M I’M FREE! – Mr Humphries / Are You Being Served? Y OLD

Y! A GLASS OF WHITE WINE FOR THE LADY. The Pub Landlord FREE! SILL SILLY OLD MOO! – Alf Garnet / Till Death Us Do Part OH, MISS JONES! Rupert Rigsby / Rising Damp IT’S TURNED OUT NICE AGAIN! – George Formby Junior OOOOOH, RENE! Yvette Carte-Blanche / ‘Allo, ‘Allo IN THE NAME OF THE WEE MAN – Tommy Lorne IN KINDLY TEMPER YOUR HILARITY I RULES IS RULES – AND IF WE HAD... The Pub Landlord THE WANNA KINDLY TEMPER YOUR HILARITY... – George Robey NAME WITH A MODICUM OF RESERVE TELL OF YOU LISTER: THE RED, GREEN AND BLUE... Dave Lister / Red Dwarf THE A I WANNA TELL YOU A STORY! – Max Bygraves WEE WHERE’S ME STORY YOU STUPID BOY! – Captain Mainwearing / Dad’s Army MAN WASHBOARD? ! WHERE’S ME WASHBOARD? – Arthur Atkinson / The Fast Show WELL, MINISTER, IF YOU ASK ME... Sir Humphrey Appleby / Yes Minister DEEP OOH, DEEP JOY – Stanley Unwin YEAH BUT, I COULD CRUSH DON’T PANIC, DON’T PANIC! Lance-Corporal Jones / Dad’s Army JOY NO BUT, A GRAPE! YEAH BUT, NO BUTT... – Vicky Pollard / Little Britain WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT... Alan Partridge / I’m Alan Partridge CAN YOU YEAH BUT, ROCK OOH, I COULD CRUSH A GRAPE! – Stu Francis NO BUT, ON, SOUP – SOUP A TASTY... Howard Moon & Vince Noir / The Mighty Boosh HEAR ME, YEAH BUT, CAN YOU HEAR ME MOTHER? – Sandy Powell RODNEY: TRIGGER, WHAT ARE YOU... Rodney & Trigger / Only Fools & Horses MOTHER? NO BUT... TOMMY! ROCK ON, TOMMY! – Cannon & Ball NURSE GLADYS EMMANUEL: WHAT... – Nurse Gladys / Open All Hours RODNEY, YOU PLONKER! – Del Boy / Only Fools and Horses RODNEY, GOODNIGHT, SUPER, GEORGE: MILDRED, AM I... – George & Mildred Roper / George & Mildred THANK YOU, GOODNIGHT, THANK YOU, AND MAY YOUR GOD GO WITH YOU – Dave Allen AND MAY YOUR GOD SMASHING, YOU GO WITH SUPER, SMASHING, GREAT! – PLONKER! YOU GREAT! EXCUSE ME, IS THIS THE PLACE, ARE YOU THE BLOKE? – Jimmy James EXCUSE ME, IS THIS THE PLACE? ARE YOU THE BLOKE?