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The Krewe du Vieux Presents PURPLE PROSE, YELLOW JOURNALISM Le Monde de Merde AND THE LUST Vol. 25, No. 1 January 23, 2016 Priceless FOR GREEN Krewe du Vieuxxx is Rated XXX Big Freedia to Bounce Into Queen’s Role BABYLON ON THE BAYOU – If we of leadership. The anti-crime initiative weren’t on the verge of World War III, NOLA For Life died as the murder all the XXX shit going on all over the rate shot up. The golden age of consent planet might actually be funny. decrees continued on; the latest one The presidential election cycle, which requires the city to provide Christmas feels like it began in antediluvian times trees to any homeless people that ask (also the source of many Republican for them. And the new Incomprehsible candidates’ campaign platforms), Zoning Ordinance, adopted after several produced an exxxcess of media coverage decades of work, proved every bit as Parade Route of the Krewe du Vieux, Saturday, January 23, 2016 at 6:00 PM and hot air. Among the more notable user-friendly as the old one. Also marching will be many of the developments, Donald Trump received On the bright side, apparently the extroverts, extremists, extra-terrestrials, city’s top brass bands. Showcasing the the ISIS “Recruiter of the Year” award. gang-bangers shooting up playgrounds expendables, sexplorers and sexperts of local brass band talent is one of the proved you don’t have to be and the terrible streets deterred even Krewe du Vieux will take to the streets few Krewe du Vieux traditions that is a politician to be a brain surgeon. Ted the most determined terrorists from of the Marigny, and CBD not currently being excommunicated, Cruz proved you don’t need a brain to be attacking our beloved home. on Saturday, January 23 at 6:00 PM extradited or exterminated. a politician. Chris Christie kept finding In other news, several Bourbon Street (coming early this year). Spectators are The Krewe du Vieux is a nonprofit his route to the nomination blocked off. strip clubs were briefly shuttered when advised to exercise extreme caution as organization dedicated to the historical A bunch of other guys are also clucking it was found that customers were paying exuberant exhibitionists extort exotic and traditional concept of a Mardi Gras and squawking for the nomination, AKA for sex acts – who knew? For former exfoliations of their extremities. parade as a venue for individual creative “the Colonel Panders Award”. Saints defensive coordinator Rob “the Bouncing into the role of Queen this expression and satirical comment. It is On the Democratic side, Bernie Matador” Ryan, it was hair today, gone year will be hip-hop artist, reality TV unique among all Mardi Gras parades Sanders distinguished himself as the only tomorrow. firefighters star and transgender rights advocate because it alone carries on the old gun-rights-apologist flaming liberal in finally hit the jackpot, settling a lawsuit Big Freedia. The Queen Diva will bring Carnival traditions, by using decorated, history. And Hillary Clinton forced so that was initially filed shortly after pizzazz, razzamatazzle and lots of azz to hand or mule-drawn floats with satirical many smiles that she had to rub her sore Bienville first landed. jazz up the crowd. themes, accompanied by costumed jaw muscles with Ben-Gayzhi. Back on the global scene, falling crude The Krewe du Vieux’s seventeen revelers dancing to the sounds of jazzy Despite campaigning his Indian- prices had the big oil companies scraping subkrewes will each present their own street musicians. We believe in exposing American ass off, LA Governor Bobby their barrels for their last few tens of existential, exponential, excremental, the world to the true nature of Mardi Gras “Bombay” Gin-doll never rose above billions of dollars in profits. World experimental, experiential, expository, – and in exposing ourselves to the world. a tie with Joe the Plumber at slightly temperatures set yet another record high, exploratory and utterly extraneous less than one percent in the Republican causing several climate change deniers versions of the theme. Subkrewes include presidential polls, running several points to spontaneously combust. the Krewe of C.R.U.D.E., Krewe of Krewe du Vieux is behind “Anybody But Bobby Jindal”. The governor of Texas attempted to Space Age Love, Krewe of Underwear, Rumor has it he has quit the race. prevent Syrian refugees from entering Seeds of Decline, Krewe of Mama Roux, dedicated this year The governor’s election had his state because “it would be too easy for Krewe of L.E.W.D., Krewe of Drips a Vittersweet ending: not only did Diva them to get guns here.” [Folks, he really and Discharges, Krewe of K.A.O.S., to the memory of two David get pummeled by the voters, he did say that.] Between mass shootings in Knights of Mondu, T.O.K.I.N., Krewe announced he won’t run for re-erection the U.S., torrents of refugees inundating Rue Bourbon, Krewe de C.R.A.P.S., former monarchs, to the Senate in two years. Clearly the Europe and terrorist attacks around the Mystic Krewe of Spermes, Mystik Paul Prudhomme Bel has tolled for him. world, it just stopped being funny. Krewe of Comatose, Mystic Krewe of Locally, the City Hall Hot Airbnb Hoping to XXX out at least a few of Inane, Krewe du Mishigas, and Krewe and Frankie Ford. suffered from a monumental failure the bad guys and bad memories, the of SPANK. – 1 – A Man of Many Queens S/he was born Freddie Ross, and raised by typical New Orleans parents in a typical Uptown neighborhood. Like so many of our city’s musical stars, s/he got her first taste of musical performing in the gospel choir at the Baptist church – and in a sign of things to come, becoming choir director by age eighteen. Shortly thereafter, typical went on an extended vacation, and gender bending, barrier breaking and booty shaking took up residence. Little Freddie became Big Freedia: Queen Diva, Queen of Bounce and now Queen of Krewe du Vieux! Even as our merry monarch was doing the gospel thing, other influences were at play. Her mother loved the Motown sound, and Queen Freedia got way into hip-hop. Her life took a turn, however, when she heard her first bounce recording. Bounce is the uniquely New Orleans take on hip-hop, and our divine duchess knew immediately that this was her calling. – opens one up to a lot of negativity. While it may seem that Queen For Queen Freedia, the answer was Krewe du Vieux Doo Freedia has burst on the scene recently, to meet these challenges head on, and Saturday, January 23 there are no real overnight sensations she has become a determined advocate Doors open 9:00 PM in any musical genre, and the queen for equality. has worked (and shaken) her azz off Nowhere is this better demonstrated CIVIC THEATER to be successful. However, the hard than in her music. Her appeal crosses 510 O’Keefe Avenue work has really paid off in the last two normal lines of bounce to attract a years, as the Big Freedia and the Divas diverse crowd; she plays at a wide featuring show has performed coast to coast to variety of venues and festivals, with George Porter Jr. huge crowds and rave reviews. audiences young and old, gay and and The Runnin’ Pardners On top of that, our camera-friendly straight, and truly rainbow in color. with special guest queen is starring in a reality TV Now her reign as Queen of Krewe show; has released a well-received du Vieux will bring her to yet another Walter Wolfman Washington video game, “Booty Battle”; and is new crowd. With her creative, dramatic working on a new album, a Bounce personality and fabulous fashions, our TICKETS $40 Available from dance instruction DVD and a memoir. colorful queen is a natural among the We’re thrilled that she can squeeze in outfits and misfits of the Krewe. Krewe du Vieux members the time to be KdV Queen! So on January 23, bounce on down Up in Smoke While the success is wonderful, to the parade route and start shaking 2101 Magazine Street there have been challenges along the your azz. There’s a force of nature Louisiana Music Factory way. Life as a gay black man – and a coming your way, and you want to 421 Frenchmen Street flamboyantly transgender one at that be there to experience it.

– 2 – City Representatives Announce Police Strategy NEW ORLEANS AND LAW cited, as an example, the department’s out fighting the bad guys,” Sergeant started recruiting other people in STREETS – Reacting to New Orleans Deli Line initiative in which victims Machelle “Pepper” Anderson of the uniform to bring on the force. We’ve residents’ increasing concerns about will be given a number so that they 69th District complained. “Also a little got some Girl Scouts, some waiters police response times, city and police can see how many hundreds of others help would be great. Last week I was and even some inmates from OPP department officials came to this low- are ahead of them in the service queue. so busy, I forgot to turn off my body – those guys were great since most traffic intersection to announce a new For residents who want a higher camera and all the guys got to watch of them already had their own guns operational effectiveness program, level of service, he said the police my boyfriend go to the Big House, if with them,” Harrison said. “We’re NOPD: We’re Still Cumming. would be launching a Call Ahead Line you know what I mean.” expanding this with our new Fog- “From Mardi Gras to the Super for faster service. Harrison said that in addition to A-Mirror standard for acceptance on Bowl to the International Conference “If you’re going out for a night in creating a heavy burden on officer time, the force. We considered dropping of Miniature Goat Collectors, the New the Quarter or a late night stroll in some of the additional requirements the requirements even further, but Orleans Police Department has always Audubon Park or a mid-day stroll in created morale problems. As an some of our community focus groups exceled at crowd control. With this MidCity or really anyplace in Orleans example, he cited U.S. District Judge expressed reservations about having new program, we’ll be sure they can Parish, Call Ahead to reserve your Susie Morgan’s requirement that each their neighborhoods policed by the bring those same skills to the crowd police response,” Harrison said. “That officer write “I will not be a bad cop,” undead. Maybe as attitudes change of crime victims mobbing them every way, when you become a victim – 100 times on the district blackboard over time we can revisit that decision.” day,” New Orleans Mayor Mitch whether it’s a shooting or a just a light before going on patrol. As part of the recruitment effort and “Waning Moon” Landrieu said in the mugging – you can rest assured that “We’re going to talk to the judge general publicity for the program, the launch press conference. police have already been scheduled about cutting that to maybe 50 times,” city is partnering with the organization The program was rolled out in the to respond. And if there are multiple he said. Citizens for Rapid-Ass Police Squads face of intensifying outcry from locals victims, you’ll have priority.” The Cumming program also seeks to (CRAPS) to take some of the new who rallied around the group Our There will, of course, be a fee for address the force’s deep understaffing recruits out onto the streets of the Cops Really Aren’t Punctual to call the premium service. problems. Marigny, French Quarter and CBD on for reform. “We expect the offering will be “We realized the Louisiana State the evening of January 23. City residents “Something has to be done,” said popular among our traditional clients Troopers were a big help, but there (and visitors) can come out, fog a mirror OCRAP member and local business in Audubon Park and elsewhere weren’t really a lot of them, so we’ve and be deputized on the spot. owner Trey S. Effrayé in a Monde de Uptown,” he said. “But we think this Merde interview earlier this month. is also a way to open up a new market End of Campaign Means End of LA Governor’s “My custom plant waxing shop and with all the transplants and Airbnb Hopes to Be First Jindal-American President craft beard-products emporium in the clients in the Marigny and Bywater. BATON-ROUGE – While the governor Smith, president-elect of the Bywater was burglarized on Mardi We’ll probably launch an app for them of Louisiana’s decision to quit his Quasi-Association of Hyphenated- Gras Day. When I called the police, – you’ve got to stay current with your quixotic quest for the presidency was Americans. “We don’t care what he they said they should be able to send customer base.” met with near universal cheers and thinks about hyphens, we are proud to someone out by Christmas. I’d already The Still Cumming program will also relief, there was one organization claim him as one of us. When Piyush been robbed twice more by the time seek to address some of the root causes that was bitterly disappointed. Had comes to shove, he’s got hyphens out they got here.” of long response times including the bumbling Bobby been successful, he the wazoo.” Landrieu estimated that the response administrative burdens imposed by would have become the first Jindal- Sadly, it appears that another time for a situation like Effrayé’s could the three-year-old consent decree the American to occupy the Oval Office. candidate will become president of be cut to as early as Independence Day city entered with the Department of Despite Jindal’s repeated assertions the hyphen-nation. once the NOPD: We’re Still Cumming Justice and the many special oversight that he is “tired of hyphenated- program is fully implemented. programs the department has adopted. Americans,” he is inescapably one, At the mayor’s press conference, “Look, I’m all in favor of protecting qualifying as an Indian-American, Police Superintendent Michael S. constitutional rights and being sure Asian-American, Ex-Hindu- “Car Wash” Harrison said that the investigations are documented, but American, Delusional-American, and program was an umbrella for a host why do I have to fill out everything Pathetically-Pandering-American. of different initiatives that will both three times? Can’t we use carbon paper “We were so disappointed when improve response times and give better or a printer? It’d be great if I could he abandoned his campaign,” “customer service” to the public. He spend more than an hour of my shift lamented Mary-Jane Robertson-

– 3 – Mitch and Marlin Make a Porno HOLLYWOOD SOUTH PENILE “Strip down motherfuckers, let’s the back of a whole mountain full of for cameos by SexToya Cantrell, COLONY, Tulane & Skanky Broad have a good look at you,” shouted the cowboys.” Becky Teats and Cedric “The Giant.” Street – Always on the lookout for casting director as the beauty contest No one knows for certain, but Sewerage and Waterboarding fun are good publicity and even more money, began. “I want you as naked as the Hollywood South rumors hint that sure to follow! Sheriff Marlin Gusman said today he day you were born!” the movie will star Randy Copulatin’, To sum it up, this project that initially intended to celebrate the completion Functioning better than the the Mayor’s Deputy Right Hand sparked moral outrage morphed into of New Orleans’ $150 million dollar New Orleans Airport’s new X-ray Jobber and Stacy Goodhead, the fully erect consent when citizens prison with a flashy porno flick. Mayor machines, this shot at skin-flick fame Council’s Burlesque Queen. Another learned it meant cheap parking. ’s similar hunger for had prisoners voiding their cavities sultry slut to audition will be Wendy Mystick Krewe of Comatose and fame has compelled him to of all manner of paraphernalia to “Diaper Girl” Ellis, former paramour marchers plan to sweeten the foreplay join the project so he can retire “with showcase their skills. Playing cards, of Vituperative Vitter, Louisiana’s top during the Krewe du Vieux parade by a bang.” Or a . pistols, needles, and narcotics filled hypocrite. Famous for her safety-pin giving away movie tickets, popcorn The two politicians predicted that the tables as inmates competed for fetishes, baby talk, and pacifying and sex toys as their parade cameras the Big Easy would gladly open its the casting couch. pussy, Wendy would be an amazing hunt for new porn stars. Look for the creamy, crescent thighs to this high- “My momma was there when addition to the show. movie crew in splendid blue jackets definition carnal adventure. Debbie did Dallas,” shouted the first Rounding out this horny cast are and lust after the hotties and hunks on “This will be our big chance to make actress wannabe. “She taught Linda City Hall favorites Jerry “Jerkoff” parade as they titillate the G-spot of money and insert a Sexual Consent Lovelace how to swallow, too!” YourSin and the salacious Emily the Big Easy. Decree into the Prison population!” “Out my way!” bellowed an orange- , a nubile nymphomaniac on Mitch exclaimed to his co-director clad prostitute, “My Daddy broke loan from the Mayor’s staff. Look Sheriff. “Finally, no more Feds up our ass!” CaliguNOLA – The Fall of New Orleans While already infamous for lurid videos showcasing guns, money, Debaucherous City Hall Orgy Uncovered and gambling within its walls, the DANGER STREET – One recent In particular, it was observed that were promptly escorted out of the Old Parish Prison lacks proper anal- sultry winter evening, members of the brother and sister of one of New building. While attempting to hail lubrication stations and sufficient Krewe de Vieux’s Krewe of LEWD Orleans most esteemed political a cab, members were held up at butt plugs for an IMAX-sized porno. thought they were going to a typical, families are much, much closer than gunpoint. It took police three and a According to the co-directors, millions every day political fundraiser at anyone ever imagined. half hours to respond, despite the fact more dollars are needed to supply the Gallier Hall. After dodging pieces of Entering another room, the LEWD that they were merely a block away. flaccid inmates with Lazy Boy chairs the building, which were tumbling members saw the infamous New and proper Humping Stations. off the façade, they were escorted Orleans pothole killer, but it wasn’t “Eons of acrimony will crumble as into a side door. Once inside, LEWD being used to fill potholes. It had been C.O.A. STATEMENT we launch this smarmy project!” the members discovered a raunchy party retrofitted into a Barbarella-esque Le Monde de Merde is offered by Mayor proclaimed, “We’ll make tons worthy of Caligula thrown by none sex machine with a line of eager the Krewe du Vieux of moolah and may not need to fleece other than his honor the mayor and politicians awaiting a ride. in the true spirit of Carnival as the city with higher parking fees.” several city councilpersons. On the upper floor, Sewerage and a venue for satire and “We also promise to make the Even the unflappable LEWD Water Board trucks lined the halls and political comment. smuttiest movie since ‘Jindal does members were shocked by what were opened up to display not tools The views herein may not reflect it Nagin-style,’” added Sheriff they saw. Giant phalluses adorned and repair kits, but every conceivable those of Krewe ­leaders or all “G-string” Gusman, tightening his the walls, food on all the tables was sex toy one could imagine. A variety Krewe members. grip on his Glock. shaped like genitalia, and ball gags of lubricants were being handed out by They are designed to Orleans Parish prisoners have lined and whips were being given out as Water Board staff, though some came entertain and provoke thought. up and are hustling down the road to entry gifts. Once members started to with a cautionary boil order. Besides, ain’t none of us got perdition for this chance to audition. take in the scene, they recognized a After imbibing in quite a bit of nothin’ worth suing for that Many members of old-line Carnival slew of naked and partially naked city phallic food and wine and other hasn’t already been used to fill krewes were also fighting for a place politicians roaming around engaging available offerings at the orgy, one of the city’s giant potholes. in line, as were Trixie Minx, Steven in sexual acts with just about anyone LEWD members were discovered All material ©2016 Segal and Nicholas Cage. and anything. by the NOPD as interlopers and by the Krewe du Vieux

– 4 – Spermes Releases Womanifesto on a pedestal.” After months of pubic input, the Krewe going to make the Oval Oriface great pressure come November? Spermes members couldn’t agree of Spermes has issued a womanifesto again.” “Whichever blowhard they choose more. titled “Spermes Prefers Woman on Cliton said the endorsement had is going down,” Cliton said. “And The womanifesto details many Top,” revealing everything from the her tingling with excitement as she they’re gonna stay there until I say positions the krewe would like to see krewe’s favored sexual positions to solicited large contributions from stop.” celebrated in the pubic square. the formation of a new Super PAC, Spermes donors. Locally, Women Come First is “Reverse cowgirl is just the Women Come First, which promotes Cliton is polling well on the coasts trying entice City Councilwoman beginning,” Fehgina said. women’s needs and satisfaction. and Madison, Wisconsin, and has the Head into the mayoral race, and have The womanifesto’s appendicks “Women need to be on top,” Krewe metrosexual vote locked up, according launched the hashtag #giveushead. illustrate classic positions such as spokeswoman Gloria S. Fehgina to a new Gal-up pole. She’s expanding The current at-large (very large) cowgirl and reverse cowgirl as well said. “Research shows that people her considerable base with more member is a former lawyer for Felch- as lesser known and new techniques are letting penises do too much of conservative-but-curious Blue Balls Dunbar LLC. including the “roller coaster,” the thinking, and let’s face it, penises state voters and hopes to make inroads “Head is really popular with our “thighmaster” and the sex-worker aren’t that bright. Great tool, but not in some Red Hot states. members,” Fehgina said. “She’s a approved “Lilly Ledbetter Fair Play leadership material.” “Sometimes the flyover states look tough clitigator and has done some Act.” There also are a few moves Women Come First has issued like a giant red rash,” Cliton says. wonderful pro boner work,” developed by Spermes such as the early endorsements in several races, “Very irritable, always inflamed. But I On the council, Head chairs the “Kicking Mule” and the “Pussy including Hilary Cliton for President think voters are frustrated by come-on Pubic Safety and the Housing and v. Ferguson,” for sex in floats or and Stacy Head for Mayor of New from one-poll stand candidates whose Human Needs committees. She moving vehicles. The womanual also Orleans. staff quits before anything gets done. recently became involved in the recommends adapting pegging to a “If you want a bush in the White Everyone who knows Jindal or Perry handling of monuments. range of popular positions. House, let’s get the right one in there,” or Walker knew they were going to “We need to stop worrying about “I don’t want to say the penis is Fehgina said. “I know the recent trend finish prematurely.” erecting statues of dead white men,” easily replaceable,” Fehgina said. is against seeing bushes, but she’s Does she to expect to feel any Head said. “Let’s put a real woman “But if the dildo fits, strap it on.” The Best Little Whorehouse in New Orleans: Where Law Enforcement Meets and Greets at the House of the Rising Scum PRICKS CABARET – As dawn soon enough that it was not them that Perhaps it was feeling the to his ankle with a lacy garter which rose on Bourbon Street on a recent were subject to arrest. Instead, it was discarded hosiery between their peeps out when he stretches his ego. morning, the tourists’ deposits of their employees, the hardworking thick digits, or making use of the But soon all the agents became one puddles of piss reflected the pink gurls. And what a bunch of fun-loving lipstick smears from forgotten with the girls in some fashion, because light of early morn through the rising girlz! One shoots ping pong balls, kisses of three hours ago when they like any local law enforcement, they scum. At the Best Li’l Whorehouse in another slings snakes. This one’s got were undercover and amorous, fresh can be bought for a song and sold New Orleans, the ladies were yawning a wild west thing, that one’s got a sea from their lap dances. Perhaps it down the river. That’s why they are over their watered down drinks, world feel. was feeling the sensations of silky working so hard for small change: it’s pulling on their tired garter belts and Having been working undercover lingerie against their skin (and the perks of hanging out in the clubs counting their earnings for the night for weeks, the tough-acting ATC maybe secretly wearing them as and getting the residuals. when suddenly the ATC swat team agents were finally getting to their undergarments; this could not be All this explains why, on Bourbon descended, swooping in to confiscate payload, shutting down the joints confirmed or denied). Maybe they Street, and especially at the House drinks, rough up the patrons, and ruin on federal charges like underbellied were gusseted by their bulletproof of the Rising Scum, you might see a lucrative, fun-filled night. All the scumminess and general decrepitude. gear and could sympathize with the stripper gals and uniformed agents of hapless drunks were kicked to the curb Suddenly there was an unexpected corsetry of the girls. the law and not be readily able to tell and the ladies were rounded up, sized change in the proceedings. After The biggest suspect in this the difference between the two. up, shackled up and detained. working undercover (and under transformation appeared to be the The owners of the strip club were covers) for so long, the ATC agents head ATC honcho, Troy Hebert, initially deeply concerned, but realized had assimilated. who keeps a small weapon strapped

– 5 – CRUDE’s “Berl Orda” Leads to Epic Clash Monumental in the Toxic Rouxxx Morass [Editor’s note: the following appears to be either the synopsis of a new movie, somebody’s wet dream, or the latest from TIVOLI CIRCLE – Following the Mayor’s Office of Communications. Monde de Merde’s sources generally range from the unqotable to the unprintable.] recent brouhaha over Confederate A FAUCET NEAR YOU – When the Shitty Council. “Water, this vile be a legal beverage in New Orleans. monuments, the Monumental Morass the Sewage in Water Board issued substance, the fluid only suitable for For here on, New Orleans drinks beer Committee formed a blue ribbon the alarm, New Orleans was a flushing and scrubbing, shall no longer or nothing!” committee to nominate other public little confused. Some problem had figures past and present to be honored occurred at some undisclosed time with public statuary. The qualifications to compromise the drinking water, for nomination include a principled and the city was placed under a Boil opposition to integration, immigration, Order. This bit of technical jargon, and the rights of anyone who is not a unfamiliar to most, was soon decoded white Christian male. Demagoguery by the master crawfish boilers of the and disguising of the honoree’s land as a Berl Orda, and thus they beliefs under a cloak of patriotism is began seasoning the water supply as an advantage, but not a requirement. the necessary first step. While a complete list was not available Unfortunately, the amoeba that had at press time, a source revealed that caused this “orda” responded in a potential nominees include Benedict strange way to all the berl seasoning Arnold, Senator Joseph McCarthy, – growing quickly to tremendous George Wallace, and Father Coughlin. proportions to become Zomoeba! The It is rumored that several Republican city had unwittingly created a Toxic candidates for president are in line for Rouxxx within its own pipes. future consideration. Crawfish too were affected, pumping Corrections and Clarifications themselves up on the spoiled water Last year Monde de Merde reported that supply to become monstrous mudbugs. after his re-election, Mayor Mitch Landrieu While New Orleans panicked, and took control of everything. There were in tried to horde all the boiled garlic it fact a few exceptions, like crime, poverty, could, the mutant beasts set to battle, city water quality, homelessness, potholes, heaving into combat as the spicy and did we mention crime? waters surged around them. In the column endorsing Gov. Jindal for President, we indicated that Jindal City government was swift to was running for president. It would have respond. “We have tolerated water for been more accurate to say that he was too long, and paid the price,” decreed stumbling for president. It was reported in the Mishigas article that Jindal had appeared recently at a rally Play the New Office Pool Game: in the French Quarter. The speaker was actually a stunt double; Jindal made no When Will Wendy Leave David? appearances anywhere in Louisiana in the Are you jonesing over the end of on the calendar sells for whatever press conference. Or the date when first ten months of the year. football season (the playoffs don’t amount you set - $1, $5, or for you big “Stand By Your Man” was first The T.O.K.I.N. article stated that tax count if the Saints aren’t in them)? campaign spenders, $250,000. Pony released. Could be Codependence revenues from the legalization of Desperate to throw your money into up the dough for as many squares as Day. That’s the beauty of it: instead of marijuana would eliminate the state some game of chance (and aware that you want. just 100 squares, like a football pool, budget deficit by the end of Mardi Gras. After further economic review of Jindal’s the lottery is a game of no chance)? Now all that’s left is for you and you’ve got 365 options to choose feckless fiscal policies, it was determined Have we got the game for you and everyone else to pick the date you from! that it would take until the end of Jazz your office mates! think is the most likely one for Wendy So go grab one of those dozens of Fest. All you need is a calendar, a marker Vitter to finally leave her philandering unsolicited calendars you get in the The article on the cancellation of Mardi and someone you trust not to skim fool of a husband! mail every year and start your very Gras referenced a “city hall directory”. No too much of the pool money. Just Maybe it’s the anniversary of that own “When Wendy Leaves David” such publication exists, and most city hall like a football pool, every square simpering “I’ve committed a sin” office pool! numbers are never answered anyway. – 6 – THE XXX FILES – THE TRUTH IS IN HERE (A K.A.O.S. PRODUCTION)

SERIES PREMIERE JANUARY 23, 2016 – 6:00 P.M. THE MYSTIFYING ADVENTURES OF A SQUAD OF SPECIALLY EQUIPPED EXTRATERRESTIALS INVESTIGATING THE DEEPEST SECRETS OF OUR WORLD: THE MYSTERIOUS DISAPPEARANCE OF DAVID VITTER WHERE DOES THE “VANISHING” COASTLINE GO? THE CEASELESSLY EXPANDING LOUISIANA BUDGET DEFICIT THE DISAPPEARING MONUMENTS MAPPING THE OUTER LIMITS OF THE LANDRIEU EGO WHO IS THIS “” AND WHERE DID HE COME FROM? THE SEARCH FOR WHOEVER ACTUALLY APPROVES OF BOBBY JINDAL WHY IS THE “SMOKING MAN” OUT HERE ON THE SIDEWALK IN FRONT OF A BAR? WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL OF THE GRAIN JOSEPH WAS SUPPOSED TO LEAVE BEHIND FOR US IN THE PYRAMIDS? THE PHENOMENON OF DONALD TRUMP’S HAIR WHO THE HELL SENT US THIS BILL FOR THAT GOLDEN BORDER FENCE WITH THE “T” MONOGRAM? WHY ARE THERE SO MANY FRIENDLY PEOPLE IN THE STREETS VOLUNTEERING FOR AN ANAL PROBE?

NO TELEVISION REQUIRED – THEY WILL FIND YOU!

– 7 – Mishigas Goes UNORTHODOXXX Landrieu, “I will be unveiling a statue NEW ORGASMS, LA – Hollywood Butts, “and Moses – don’t get me “Les Miserabbis,” which garnered of a giant pierced cock to replace the South has landed its biggest coup started on Moses.” an amazing eighteen nominations, controversial statue of confederate yet. With the help of the Krewe du The emcee for this year’s event including Best Picture, Best Supporting General Robert E. Lee. Lee Circle will Mishigas, the Jewish Porn Awards is Jewish porn legend Ron Jeremy. Actor and Best Cum Shot. now forever be known as Cock Ring.” (JPA) are leaving Las Vegas and The pudgy superstar, who has won The Cum Shot category might be When questioned about the logic of heading to the Big Sleazy. City and multiple JPA Performer-of-the-Year the most difficult to call. There were having a giant penis in such a high state officials have been working this Awards, will be on hand to promote some really amazing scenes this year profile location, Landrieu shrugged event for years. Senator David Vitter, his best picture-nominated film, in films like “The Good, the Bad and said, “We already have a statue of who made it his special pork project, “Diddler on the Roof.” The film also and the Oy Vey,” “The Man with the a big dick in the middle of the city.” welcomed the news with open palms. scored a nomination for best song, Golden Tuches,” and “A Schlong is City officials are hoping this is “This is a great day for the state of with the catchy hit-single “Ass Taster, Born.” But the most memorable cum just the beginning of a new chapter Louisiana. We are honored to have Ass Taster.” And it garnered a surprise shot may have been the bagel scene in porn history, and they are pulling these whores… I mean, women… nomination for costume designer B.A. in “From Schmear to Eternity.” Who out all the stops to make it an epic cumming to town,” said Vitter. Treif for her stunning cock socks that knew Jack Meoff had such aim? affair. Tickets are still available for the It might seem Unorthodoxxx for covered the sausages of the male stars. New Orleans Mayor Mitch Landrieu big event. Taking place at the Civic Mishigas to have such clout in the Best Actress nominees include is touting the awards show as an Theater on January 23rd, the JPA porn world, but Jews have been an Maya Mishigasm, Ima Slutsky and opportunity to let the world see the Awards will feature live performances integral part of the porn community Ivana Schtupp. Most in the industry, resilience of his great city. “This may by Jack Johnson, the Circle Jerks and since the very beginning. “Abraham however, think that Bubbe Goldfinger be year one for us, but we hope to the Flaming Lips. VIP tickets include had like four wives and supposedly a is a shoe-in for her outstanding host this remarkable event for the next open bar, complimentary buffet and huge cock,” said porn historian Rosey portrayal of a rabbi-gone-wild in thirty years. As a matter of fact,” said hot oil rubdowns.

Bourbon Solves Intergalactic Illegal Immigration Problem While Krewe du Vieux is celebrating space aliens. announcement speech, “I will build gingerly put their heads together to 30 years of drunken debauchery XXX Without a firm policy on these aliens, a great wall — and nobody builds cum to a solution. After weeks of style, Krewe Rue Bourbon, aged like the threat of these XXXtraterrestrials walls better than me, believe me — drinking and desperately rubbing a fine whisky, has turned its attention from Planet XXX is growing greater and I’ll build it very inexpensively.” out ideas the Bourbonites realized to one of the biggest problems facing by the day. Disturbing questions began Bourbonites everywhere danced and they were surrounded by the only this nation. plaguing the minds of Americans, cheered at the prospect of the wall thing they had an unlimited supply The problem was first brought to like: “What is Planet XXX? Is it without spilling a single drop of of – Bourbon. Smacking their heads Bourbon’s attention five years ago kinkier over there? If I don’t like ‘Merican booze from their cups. in disbelief, members ran to their when the eloquent Rush Limbaugh who becomes president in 2016 can When asked about the plan to build provisions to begin the construction exposed the truth, saying, “Some I move there?” a wall to stop illegal space aliens from process. people would say we’re already under With Mardi Gras fast approaching, entering our borders, Bay Tenswitch, With a new outlook on life, members attack by aliens -- not space aliens, but Bourbonites were nervous about a well-seasoned Bourbon member, have been seen stumbling in the streets illegal aliens.” the mass quantities of costumed replied, “The wall is the answer! in preparation. Many refused to Stunned by this insight, Bourbon hooligans drunkenly roaming the Everything will be walled! We’re comment, as their mouths were full, members retreated to the Den of streets. “However will we profile them drinking out of double walled cups, but we managed to get a statement Muses to form a think tank, stocking all?!” was a frequently-heard plaint. walling off our loved ones; we’re even out of Puss E. Diver who slurred, up on liquor and women along the “Where can we get more of those doubling up on condoms – wait, who “We’re going to build a great wall of way. Over the course of the discussion see-through scanners?” was another wears condoms?” Bourbon, so big that Moses himself Bourbonites realized the subtlety of top concern. Thanks to Trump, the hard part couldn’t part it!” Mr. Limbaugh’s genius had been lost Just when all hope appeared was over. The only thing left to do With the XXXtraterrestrial problem on us all. The illegal planetary aliens lost, Republican candidate and was figure out how to make a world- at bay, Americans are now free to were only the tip of the iceberg. The longtime Bourbon member, Donald encompassing inexpensive wall. With enjoy the hopefully not so little things only next logical step was illegal Trump, declared in his presidential the think tank reestablished, members as Rue Bourbon parades another year.

– 8 – TOKIN Seeks New Weedership ELECTORAL COLLEGE – enhancement subsidies for low income The Totally Orgasmic Krewe of tokers,” said Ms. Stoner. Intergalactic Ne’er-do-wells (TOKIN) At a recent rally, POTSMOKERS has announced the creation of a new introduced their nominee, Bud political party. SpokesHEAD, Mary Tokewell. Emerging from a cloud Jane Stoner said, “We heard that the of fragrant smoke, he greeted the circus was coming to town. Turns assembled crowd and fired up his out that it’s a political circus and the campaign. “I know that you will candidates are all clowns running for look into my past and I welcome the the highest office in the land. Well, attention,” said Mr. Tokewell. “Unlike these clowns are neither funny nor the other clowns in this race, I have high.” nothing to hide. If someone claims After sharing agendas during a long, that I had sex with her, him, them, or lusty meeting in a smoke-filled circus their pet, it’s probably true. Memories tent and hashing out their platform, of my past are somewhat hazy, so TOKIN announced the formation of the I welcome the opportunity to fill in Party of Totally Sensual Mischievous the gaps.” Orgasmic Klowns & Electors Reefer Mr. Tokewell’s announcement was Society (POTSMOKERS) “The time welcomed by an enthusiastic crowd has come to put the ‘party’ back into chanting, “Yes We Cannabis!” ‘political party’,” said Ms. Stoner. The Totally Orgasmic Krewe of convention and ecstatic electioneering message of prurient politics, licentious “POTSMOKERS advocate the spread Intergalactic Ne’er-do-wells invites on January 23 as they take to the legislation, and gaudy governance of herbal healing as the universal the citizenry to join them for a carnal streets of New Orleans to spread their under the slogan, “Weed the People!” cure for all of the afflictions facing the nation. With one aromatic elixir, Who let the clowns out? we can erase the deficit and promote peace and understanding.” On other hot and steamy issues, POTSMOKERS declared their firm support for alien immigration. “Beings from other galaxies have made invaluable contributions for millennia. Many of our party members and some of my best friends are descendants of settlers from the planet Cannabia. These aliens have had a significant Crazy Cruz impact on popular culture, giving the Donny Dumpstermouth Burning Man Sanders world tie dye, funkadelicism, love Hillary Clownton Jeb Botch beads, bellbottoms, and other groovy paraphernalia. The actions of a tiny minority of hostile aliens should not overshadow these accomplishments. We embrace all cultures and cultivars and celebrate the diverse inspiration and inspired diversions that aliens bring to the party.” The party platform also addresses the issue of income inequality. Benny Farceman Loco Rubio Gnarly Foolerina “Our economic plan includes herbal

– 9 – Mardi Gras Viewing Fundamentals you like, such as the “Drunk Zone” or other ways to cross the parade route. by Arthur Hard-on “Spanktuary”. Come parade day, bring Again, use ladders, chairs and other presented by the Krewe of SPANK that require them. Then get to the route all the tents, tarps, chairs, ice chests, similar personal effects to wall off Welcome to Mardi Gras! If you’re early to claim your own personal area. chaise lounges, barbecue grills, and your area or simply to block out space. planning on attending a parade, it The larger the parade, the earlier all the other similar personal effects Facilities along the route will be doesn’t matter whether you’re new you’ll need to claim your territory you desire, and block off all access limited so if you can, get your own port- to it or were born into it, this is the and the larger your claim should be. to your space. o-let. If the company will not deliver guide for you. Here, in brief, are the It will become a valuable commodity Common everyday stepladders are a to your location, have it dropped basics about attending parades during come parade time. Here you need to great way to protect your territory and of nearby and move it yourself. America’s greatest party. make a decision, neutral ground or let children and adults view the parade. Otherwise, walls, landscaping and The best way to view a parade is street side. There are also vacant lots, Be sure to place them right on the curb sheltered spaces of the adjacent homes to plan ahead. The first step is to and unused yards that are free for the and even in the street if you can. Use traditionally serve as restrooms. As enlist your own “Krewe” of family taking. Remember if it has not been the ricketiest you can find, fasten them with most things, whatever has not and friends, even friends of friends. sufficiently fenced off, it’s fair game. together to make a palisade around been sufficiently fenced off is fair Carnival is a great time to meet new Once you have your location, mark your area and particularly your section game. people, particularly with its tradition out the boundary along with the name of street frontage. Don’t worry about Once the parade is finished, simply of heavy drinking (often by those who of your Krewe with spray paint in bold the people behind you who failed to retrieve the items you desire, and leave do not regularly imbibe). Be sure to Carnival colors to claim it. Then rope claim their own territory. By basic about the rest. The city or locals will let your “Krewe” know they can bring it off with caution tape. If you’re on Carnival rules, you claimed it first, take care of any required clean up. along anyone they meet. the street side be sure to include the you own that spot. Remember these basic rules: you Next, make sure you have tickets sidewalk. Then you can add old sofas, If you arrive too late to claim an claim it, it’s yours, if it’s not protected, to the parade or event if they are port-o-lets, just about anything large, area, public streets, especially the its fair game, and when you’re finished required. There are plenty of vendors to cement your claim. You can give intersections, are a great option. Don’t with it, it’s someone else’s problem. who will sell you tickets to the ones it a colorful name and add a sign if worry about the traffic, they can find You’ll be sure to have a great time!

From the SPANKwire For Immediate Release All Hail Bromion, the largest Lolita Haze as his Queen. They will Why throws, you ask? Don’t Orleans porch is complete without at parade and the most extravagant ride at the head of the parade in lavish parades throw beads at Mardi Gras? least one! party of Mardi Gras! As dedicated feather costumes so enormous they Of course! But Mardi Gras is about Mardi Gras is about partying, so merrymakers, we believe that there’s must be suspended from a metal pole. creativity! In addition to variety of after the parade we rent out the biggest just no point in doing something Be-in-the-know-like-a-pro-tip: don’t short and long beads we’ve curated stadium in the city and rock out to unless you cover it in LED’s, fiber bother asking the royalty for beads, from our family archives of Mardi the sounds of the biggest acts of the optics, and make it so large it can’t they’re just there to preside over the Gras memorabilia, we also like to late 1980s and this year, someone the take a corner regularly cleared by party! The real fun will follow the throw things that blink, break easily, Queen suggested named “Pitbull”. But 18 wheelers! After all, money is no King, the princes, his dukes, knights, hurt to catch when your fingers are the party is, as we say in New Orleans, object for the Krewe of Bromion. With squires, and pages, the Queen, the cold, are comically oversized and/ “lagniappe.” We spend money, we hire a membership drawn from a who’s Princesses, her ladies-in-waiting, or plush, or can be ordered in bulk armies of people to build and run the who of personal injury attorneys, assorted attendants, the Friars and the from the Oriental Trading Company. parade, we buy vast quantities of lite podiatrists, investment bankers, and nuns, a float of eunuchs, the falconer, Most respectable, popular krewes in beer, we do it all so you can watch regional restaurant franchise owners, ushers, heralds, and the stewards. You New Orleans also throw a “signature us have fun. There’s nothing more the full resources of our Krewe can hear it coming, echoing down the throw” and Bromion works hard fulfilling than the attention of begging members are brought to bear on crowded streets. That’s right, that’s to be thought of as respectable and throngs fighting over useless trinkets creating a once-in-a-lifetime (or at one hundred percent grade A bass popular. When the floats go by, try to in the dirty, broken streets. We can’t least once a year) show for the people in your face courtesy of the lovely make eye contact. If someone notices wait to roll by on our blinding, city- of New Orleans and our visitors. ladies of the Chalmette Face-Stompers you through their mask, just tip your sized floats, talking amongst ourselves This year, the Krewe of Bromion Dance-and-Grind Club. By the time wrist back like your drinking. If your and drunk-texting in front of the joyful will feature Mr. Ambrose Cyrus they finish whipping and nea-neaing girlfriend is cute, maybe he’ll throw crowds of Mardi Gras. Beauregard, Esq. as King Humbert II, past you, you’ll be primed to shout you one of our limited edition, hand and the young and lovely Ms. Delores for some throws. crumpled empty beer cans. No New

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