Founded 1949 The Newspaper of Imperial College Union

Free! Wednesday 12 December 1984 No 690 FELIX Eric Darbyshire does his job competently, sentimentality if you will, but it wouldn't be a but with a laid-back attitude that disguises very bad thing if it continued throughout the his hard work. I feel sorry for Hon Sees. The year. other sabbaticals seem to give them all the When Christmas finally does come, may it boring jobs to do like taking minutes and be a very happy one for you all. operating the Gestetner. FELIX There is a real need, once again, to re-write Acknowledgements the Hon See's job description so as to attract My thanks for help on this, and every FELIX At this time of year reflection and evaluation candidates of an appropriate calibre. Who this term, are due to Ajay, Grenville, Pete, preoccupy the thoughts of most of the better to do this re-write than Eric himself? Nigel, Hugh, Hugh, Dave Jones, Jon Jones, populace. It seems fitting to examine the Jon Burgess, Pete Coleman, Chris Martin, performance of those we elected as sabbatical Sometimes life gets one down. I sit in my Pete Hands, Farah Ali, Diane Love, Richard, officers last year. newly-repainted office in Beit Quad watching Tinker, Finian, Martin, Nick Gillies, Mr Ian Bull got off to a good start at the you walk by, happy, relaxed enjoying Rosemary and Tony. beginning of the year by asserting his yourselves. And then... a disaster occurs. authority and generally bossing everyone There's nothing like a good disaster in Felix is published by the Editor for and on behalf of around. (Have you noticed that small men College to brighten up the pages of FELIX. Imperial College Union Publications Board and is printed are often the most dictatorial). Ian keeps the by the Union Print Unit, Imperial College, Prince Consort Someone resigns, a road accident, public Road, London SW7. Union ticking-over, much like his disagreements—these are the stuff of news, Telephone 01-589 51 1 1 Ext 3515 predecessors, but seems to lack a wider vision for good news is no news which is bad news Editor: David Rowe, Business Manager: Martin Taylor, of Union affairs. He seems too busy sitting on for everyone, especially me. So keep on at it Advertising Manager: Paul Belford. Copyright FELIX 1984. ISSN 10140-0711. committees and conducting interviews to be folks. If you've got a dispute don't settle it, bothered with the individual student, or to but have a good public row we can all enjoy. spare a thought for the future of the Union. Point out the mistakes of others, make And this is quite a serious fault. The College unjustified complaints—stand on your can easily exploit any lack of continuity in heads, but for goodness sake, please do Next term Union thinking. something interesting! begins Dave 'Mad' Parry is widely expected to be certified insane before next term. He rushes I'm sure that they were saying 'Christmas Monday 7 January around from room to room screaming 'I'm starts earlier every year' much earlier this 1985 late, I'm late' rather like the white rabbit. He year. is paranoid (always one of the first signs), But I don't know that this is such a bad ends believing that all Union Officers are trying to thing. At Christmas time a spirit of goodwill Friday 22 March fiddle more money out of the Union. They seems to enter the hearts of most people, probably are, but nobody, and certainly not whatever their religion, or lack of it. 1985 the DP, is ever meant to notice. Dismiss this as slushy, cliched

2 Wednesday 12 December 1984 FELIX NEWS"! Going through UFC agrees cuts the motions Imperial College Union for all major sub-committees and Finance Committee (UFC) has in additon the equipment funds now agreed this years estimates of both Publications Board and substantial majority and Ian for Constituent College Unions UFC are to be cut by £ 1000. The General Union Council Bull, ICU President, urged (CUUs) and major sub- Campaigns Fund has been (GUC) the ruling body of the everyone who had voted for the committees which oversee social, reduced by £100. CCU incomes University of London Union has motion to send letters to their recreational, cultural and athletic have not been directly cut passed a motion condemning the MPs. clubs and the Union public- however the £750 profit expected Royal School of Mines Union The second motion on ations. There will be a 3% cut or a form the Bookshop has not (RMSU) for holding Hon Porn Freedom of Choice was return to last year's level of materialised and this will not be Night. The motion was proposed proposed by Tim Williams of spending, whichever is greater, made up by ICU: by ULU executive and Michael RSMU. This sought to alter a Newman, a former student at previous motion passed last year. fmperial College spoke on their An amendment was proposed by behalf. Ian Bull as ICU President Rosemary Dickin to change the Juggling for Ethiopia opposed the motion as it motion to prevent use of ICU contradicted ICU policy. After rooms for pornographic events. several minor alterations the Tim Williams spoke against the motion was passed by a amendment which was defeated substantial majority. The ULU by 57 votes. executive were mandated to The main motion was opposed organise and publicise a picket of by Roger Preece who claimed Hon Porn Night. that pornographic events would The two motions proposed at be detrimental to the College in last week's UGM were both the eyes of the public. A passed. The first concerned procedure motion was put to student grants and was proposed vote on the issue and the motion by Mike Young Chairman of IC on Freedom of Choice was SDP Society. This gained a passed by a narrow majority.

(NUS) has described the changes as a 'half baked withdrawl' Grants reiterating that at least 180 000 families will have to pay more to support students and there will climb down be no guarantee that students will receive their full parental contributions. He claims the Parents of students in higher changes will only help well off education will not have to pay families. tuition fees in the next academic year following changes in the Mr Ian Bull, ICU President, government's proposals for welcomed the changes. He hoped education spending. The changes that further concessions could be are seen as a partial climb-down obtained after a consistent for the Education Secretary, Sir campaign of letter writing and Keith Joseph and they arose other peaceful protests. He also following threats of a major Tory intended to ask the Rector to backbench revolt. Coupled to the speak out on behalf of students. changes will be consideration of a 'radical change in the student support system' including the possibilty of a loans system. Eclipse of The major victim of the concessions is the Science budget the Mooney which will be cut by £9 million to pay for some of the £21 million Mr Victor Mooney, Refectory cost of the changes. Of the Manager is to retire on May 31 remaining£12m needed, £2m will next year after 31 years at IC. He come from educational research, will be succeeded by Mr R F Northey who is currently adult education and the micro- A ten hour 'Juggle-busk' last week raised £103.39 in aid of the catering and bars manager for electionics programme , and £10 Ethiopian Famine Appeal. The four person team mainly from the million form the Treasury. It the London Borough of Engineering Geology Department were joined by seven other seems as though funds to support Waltham Forest. Mr Northey jugglers and two musicians during the day and they are thinking of the College will be reduced but is will join the College in March is not yet know by how much nor 1985 and will take over full starting a club next term. what effects the cuts will have. responsibility as Refectory The sponsored fast in aid of Oxfam raised £426. Five people Mr Phil Woolas, president of Manager when Mr Mooney from the Third World first society took only water for a period of the National Union of Students retires. 48 hours and they all successfully completed the fast.

FELIX Wednesday 12 December 1984 3 TITERS: OUR Cottle pays up Snivel's seasonal Dear Sir, I Must correct at least one inaccuracy in snipes the letter about the Carnival which appeared in the last FELIX. The majority of the people who were working on Guildsheet on Sunday morning The one we Dear Sir, did indeed vanish in the direction of Beit to So glad to be behind the pen again, many had to print clean up the building. Late as this may have thanks to Roger Preece for a great letter, it's a been it seems that many of the problems were pity God Himself couldn't have written a line due to a lack communication on the part of or two as well, but I know how it is...busy Dear Sir, Ents people. guy. Still more astute letter I thought Having undergone the difficult transfer I resent the vicious way this letter tries to especially the opening lines, I liked that bit. I from Imperial College undergraduate life to attack everyone at once — including certainly don't need any friends with enemies Oxford graduate work I am shocked to find Guildsheet which has nothing to do with it like you. that Oxford University does not have a anyway, I even paid to get in! Well this week I must relate a most centrally produced newspaper like your 'fine Mark Cottle (Guildsheet Editor) amusing experience at one of the mnay social FELIX' to brighten-up each week. So the gatherings held at the JCR, much akin to message to Freshers and all at IC is count sticking your head in a bucket of hyaena offal, your blessings and may FELIX never die. Pork but much noisier. Out for nothing more than IC Graduate a little dancing, a friend and myself approached the dance floor with intrepid scratchings delight. Adjusting to the vibrant discords that prevail at such events, I motioned my Dear Sir, way over to a young lady, dancing on her We write in reply to the article in last own, to invite her to dance. I say young lady week's FELIX (30 November) by T Sherriff because this was the appernace she gave me at regarding pork and religion. Whilst Bible no match the time. On reflection I should say that she commending his research into the could well have been young. Anyway to biochemistry of pork we would like to correct Dear Sir, continue, I sidled up to her and asked her Having read Mr Sheriffs article in last week's some misinterpretation of Christian politely, 'Would you like to dance?' to which FELIX, about the eating of pork and its teaching. Firstly his idea that the 'coming of she replied, 'I'm dancing already!' Had I my biochemistry, I would like to make a few the Gospel cleansed all things' is incorrect. wits about me I might have replied 'Well you points. He showed in this article a very Jesus didn't come to cleanse 'things', he come could have fooled me,' but as the cursory knowledge of the Bible, and with a to break the power of sin and death and to circumstances were I stood back aghast and few 'swipes' tried to make a mockery of it and offer a new life to those who would accept it. in all honesty quite amused. Unfortunately those who believe it. This new life releases us from being judged she had no intention to amuse. I said 'Well For the benefit of those readers who read under the Law of the Old Testament. All that what sort of an answer is that?' to which she the article for its interesting biochemical Jesus requires is that you 'love the Lord your looked at me blankly, unaccustomed to information, and those who are not very well God with all your soul and with all your punters pursuing any further. I retorted acquainted with the Bible, it must be pointed mind' and to 'Love your neighbour as 'That's not very nice is it?' and with this broke out that the commands prohibiting the eating yourself. All the Law and the Prophets hang the ice just a little. With unspoen consent we of unclean animals were referred to, in the on these two commandments' (Deuteronomy strated to dance. I say 'to dance' to give you article, totally out of context with the rest of 6 v5; Levitious 19 vl8 and Matthew 22 v37- the idea, but to say we were dancing would be the Bible. A brief look through the New 40). exaggerating a little. This girl wasn't about to Testament, and even parts of the Old Jesus is more concerned with what we are waste any energy on me. Dissipating about Testament show that some of these hygiene like inside than outside, and said 'What goes two calories an hour it would not be unfair to and ceremonial laws were just for a time, and into a man's mouth does not make him describe this girl as death warmed up. (I hope with a specific reason behind them. unclean, but what comes out of his mouth, she wasn't offended.) Shovelling one foot out I would also like to correct one other point. that is what makes him unclean '(Matthew 15 in front of the other was as much as she could The quotation 'It is not what goes into a vlO — not the Patriarch of Constantinople as manage and with the odd twitch of a limp person which defiles them, but what comes suggested!) It is not a question of religious wrist I was not impressed by this newly out of their heart' was what Jesus himself said observance rather it is the living out of a acquired partner and sought means to get rid (Mark Ch 7), not the Patriarch of transformed life. The comment by T Sherriff of her. Not to be beaten by T must go to the Constantinople as stated. that there is 'no evidence' that people have loo' or the subtle approach 'Piss Off. My Obviously here is not the place to go into allowed this to change their lives is not boyfriend's coming back' I injected 'Thanks, details but let me ask you a question. Do not supported by our personal experience or by I must dash. I've got a dental appointment' to most parents tell their young children never the lives of our Christian friends. which she replied 'What time is it?' She to touch matches? Now who would then Perhaps it would be a challenge to anyone probably told her friends 'He has really bad expect them never to use matches when they who does not know that is for themselves to teeth'. are grown up? read the true teachings of Jesus recorded in No doubt I'm now going to be inundated This is not an explaining away of the Bible, the Gospel accounts in the Bible, or to meet with hate mail from every pot-smoking, but putting these things in their proper with a Christian friends. It will change your bean-eating, lesbian, CND supporter in the life! context. College...God forbid. Yours faithfully, Yours sincerely, Yours equivocally, Dave Linkens Steven Burgess (Civ Eng 2) Everard Snivel Aero 3 Richard McCallum (Physics 2) LETTERS^ Dear old pig Molly on the mend ICNAC

. Dear Sir, Dear Sir, As third year Parasitologists we feel that Dear Sir, I wish to express my thanks to all the I would like to draw your reader's attention we should correct the gross errors which to the resurrection (it is Christmas —sorry) of appeared in T Sheriffs article in last week's people that helped me when I had my accident, many thanks also to all the people IC North American Club. Felix, 'The Bible, the Qur'an, Science and We exist to organize, at the IC level, the Pork Chops'. that sent get well cards and messages. I am at last on the mend again. administration, publicity and company for The correct spelling of the parasite Merry Xmas and Happy New Year to all. trips for students to the US and Canada. infection from undercooked meat is Taenia These are either of the Camp counselling Molly, Solium. The parasite is a Cyclophyllid type, or the casual work type. In either case, Southside Shop Cestode, ie a tapeworm, and is therefore a flat we can arrange the necessary visas. worm and not a round worm as stated in the Only as a student do you have the time to article. The adult worm Taenia solium causes see North America from the inside. If Taeniosis in man, which is only mildly interested please contact me through SCC pathogenic. A complication of this disease is Maxwell's demon letter racks, or through Maths. Cysticercosis and this can be fatal. The two Andrew Palmer forms of the disease are due entirely to low Dear Sir, Maths 2 standards of human hygiene and cannot be I would like to congratulate Mr Nick Chairman ICNAC blamed on the dear old pig! Maxwell on his election to the post of Vice Furthermore, it was stated that Taenia Chairman of Wellsoc. I would also like to solium causes a desease called Trichinosis. In congratulate him in the open-mindedness fact, Trichinosis is caused by a Trichurid that has allowed him, with due consideration, Alas and Alack Nematode, Trichinella spiralis which is a to accept our case that he was an unsuitable round worm. This can also be found in pork chairman of the society, and then to step Dear L A Zenteno, but is easily destroyed by adequate cooking. down from that post. Having read your letter in FELIX 6891 feel We would like to point out that due to I wish Mr Maxwell's Wellsian magazine all you have made a slight error. The room hire exceptionally high standards of meat the success it deserves. It is due out, and deposit was paid by LACC and not by inspection in the UK, these parasites are hopefully, at the start of next term. LAS. Therefore we cannot give any money extremely rare. Yours back to LAS. Yours sincerely, Dave Clements I hope this information is of use to you. Deborah Bailey, Sally Power, E Bell Ex Publicity Officer Dave Parry C P Careford, Nicholas Renn, Mark Viney Wellsoc Deputy President

Wines LOIRE & PROVENCE Bonnezeaux 1980 (white) - Lusciuous pudding wine or can be enjoyed with for fresh fruit £3.45. Chat. d'Avelrich - A full bodied wine, Christmas ideal with cheese £2.20 HOCK Liebfraumilch (Litre bottles) - Ideal from the party drinking £2.80. Durkheimer Fuchsmantel 1973 - A College distinguished mature hock, a perfect Rissotto Cellars aperitif £4.10. MOSEL 8oz rice Bereich Berncastel Riesling 1983 - 2 rashers of bacon Lovely fruity wine from the excellent 2 tomatoes Special Christmas Offer 1983 vintage £2.80 a large green pepper 1 onion CLARET RIOJA Vina Lanciano 1976 - A distinguised salt and pepper Common Room Cuvee - A light claret style wine, ideal for current drinking,mature wine, lovely bouquet and 4oz mushrooms (optional) with a College label makes a good superb value for money £3.85 2oz butter present £2.25. Chateau Bel Chouteau, 1979 - A well BULGARIA Rinse the rice thoroughly. Pour boiling water over the balanced wine, ready for drinking nowChardonnay (white) - Cheap and tomatoes, leave to cool, then peel. Chop the bacon into but will improve further £3.10. cheerful £2.20 Cabernet Sauvignon (red) Cheap and pieces and fry in the butter. Cut the pepper in half and WHITE BORDEAUX cheerful £2.25. throw away the seeds and stalk. Slice the onion, pepper, Barsac N V - A sweet wine, an ideal mushrooms and tomatoes thinly and fry with the bacon. companion for the Christmas pudding ARMAGNAC After five minutes add the rice and stir occasionally for £3.25. Janneaux - A distinguished degustif. two minutes. Stir in a pinch of salt and pepper. £9.50. WHITE BURGUNDY Add 13floz water (a half pint glass of water and quarter Bourgogne Blanc 1979 - Stylish, dry, NB Orders to the Refectory Office, glass of water), stir, cover the pan, bring to the boil, turn fruity wine perfect with shellfish £3.25Groun. d Floor, Sherfield. Cash or the heat down low for eight minutes, then off and leave for cheque on collection. Discount a further eight minutes. Fluff up with a fork and serve. BEAUJOLAIS normally obtainable for purchase Hellman's mayonnaise is marvellous with this. Beaujolais Villages 1980 - At its peak, from the wine list does not apply to excellent with the cold turkey £3.80. these special offers. Serves 4

FELIX Wednesday 12 December 1984 5 CREATURE DONOVAN WILL PLAY FELIX -35 years Albert Hall Concert Saved

This issue commemorates 35 years of FELIX. Staff member Grenville Manuel takes a look back at the birth, childhood, adolescence and maturity of the newspaper of Imperial College Union.

The need has been felt for some Most of the cover stories in the time for a frequently published early issues are about student arrest journal to comment upon the after various pranks: two students affairs of the College whilst they are still topical, and to bring to the who scaled the Albert Memorial attention of its members the being fined a whole shilling. activities of Clubs and Societies Students in 1950 must have been Photo courtesy Pye Records Ltd. With bare seconds to spare own rieht and recently set the of which people at present know relatively prosperous, as Issue before cancellation charges be >an fnlk world on its head with their to bite deep into Carnival's juicy "Layers of the Onion" LP. little, and knowing little care evenEleve n started a series of road tests kitty, Chris Palmer, dynamic Tvrannosaurus Rex. plugged like organiser, finally anno—ccrl that crazy in John feel's rjeffumcd less. with the Morris Cowley. The he had definitely booked the sen (iarden column in International sational Donovan tor Carnival's Times are rumoured to he the Thus began the first paragraph of motoring correspondant especially Albert Hall concert, March 91th. " newthine " group, turned down The fee?-a staggering £1000. by recordinc comnanies for being the first issue of FELIX,- who was 35 liked a hand operated klaxon, which It had earlier been hoped that too " uncommercial " and " pro- . Donovan would perform for free rtress'vc " It should make an in- years old on Sunday. 'commanded respect even from the —but no dice. Nevertheless, this teresting act. massive total may later be re- Altoffiher, what a knockout old ladies of Kensington'. duced. Also appearing on the show! Even's like this cm onlv The first issue was primitive by bill, on an expenses-only basis, boost Carnival to a record-break- are the self-styled Incredible ing all-time high. Right now. today's standards, thin and contained Some of the early issue did have a String Band and the coming new Carnival total stands at £2.300; mind-blowers Tyrannosaurus Rex. Chris Palmer hopes to pull £1000 little that would be of relevance to delightful 'Olde Worlde' feel, with The show is to be compered by out of the concert, the One-der-ful DJ John Peel. today's student (rather like headlines such as 'Rummy Doings at Ev#r «ini-r> hie fi"' *"*»" Broadsheet is today). The first editor the University'. One 1950 cover appearing in May 1971) and the now was E M Hughes, and it cost 3d. story concerned the disgraceful compulsory advertisements from However, students in 1949 did sacking of Mr Sellers , the Union banks. share some pursuits with their Dining Hall butler in a cost cutting In 1967 it moved to a much larger modern counterparts. The first exercise. This was roundly attacked, format, in the style of a national editor tried to emphasise the good as Mr Sellers 'provided one of the newspaper—demonstrations about value of FELTX by stating that a differences between Imperial Vietnam were featured, as well as term's subscription cost less than a College and other less august stars of the swinging sixties such as pint of beer. colleges'. Donovan, Alexis Korner and Sinclair By 1957 the circulation had risen Goodlad. from the intial 600 to 1400, and the quality of production was improving 7 FEBRUARY 1968 steadily. A May issue carried a special rag supplement with stories of a fake zebra crossing erected by students which was accepted as genuine by traffic and pedestrians alike, and a brawl which had to be broken up by 'policemen with waterproof underclothing', though how this fact was ascertained was not clear. By 1961 the price had risen to 4d, and FELIX was becoming closer to the superb and vibrant publication it is today. Headlines included 'You And Your Grant', 'Union Meeting Inquorate' and 'Increased Refectory Charges'. FELIX was being printed on better quality paper, with photographs (the first breasts Sinclair Goodlad 6 Wednesday 12 December 1984 FELIX If to get together NOW with fist work- £2 MASOPIL. A 30-day treitment of MASCOPIL is guaranteed to clear up existing skin troubles and prevent them returning. MASCOPIL gets to the source or the trouble—within the system! Just 2 tiny pills a day—what could be simpler' No more sticky creams or oint- ments, unpleasint squeezing or unsightly plasters—but most important of al:— NO MORE EMBARRASSMENT Read what a student from the Uni- versity of Liverpool haa to say about MASCOPIL:— 'Please send me a supply of Mascopil . . . A friend of ?€!»#£ mine has asked me to take this oppotrun

was the fir?, .,i nhove was >

Christmas 1973 saw IC students protesting with 'Grants Campaign in full Swing' and Mr Mooney threatening to close the refectories over the threat of student boycotts. FELIX carried a spoof article in which the political correspondent Vladmir Catnip attempted to smash the system with the help of 'The Advisory Centre for Bolshevism'. the two page article on Freemasonry The article ended with the not-so- it carried, showing masonic spoof phrase 'If the graduate handshakes and making allegations Keep 'em on. love, keep 'em on. unemployment doesn't get you the about College personnel. A second premature redundancies will'. edition was hastily printed, with the FELIX maintains its editorial cartoon cover being replaced with a Obituary independence. Large numbers of the story detailing the attempt at ;,al. having been with us for two long terms and a few weeks of this one, finally passed away quietly on May 6th at last issues of Steve Marshall's censorship, and the edition was editorship were stolen in an attempt successfully distributed throughout at censorship, possibly because of the College. FELIX has moved a long way in 35

Issue No. 499 Friday 17th November 1978 years, from a duplicated news-sheet to a printed newspaper with a sabbatical editor and the services of a printer and a typesetter. However, the principal of 'commenting upon the affairs of the College whilst they are topical' still remains, and is the

THE NEWSPAPER OF IMPERIAL COLLEGE UNION foundation upon which FELIX is built.

FELIX Wednesday 12 December 1984 7 EFELIX; That was the term that was A bunch of QT's

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tamera-shy Maribel Anderson attempts to pass Thousands march over unnoticed at a Guilds UGM Refectory Queues

Queue Soc Where to, milady? Wednesday 12 December 1984 FELIX FELIX"!

wethereds transfusion One in the eye for Guilds

FELIX Wednesday 12 December 1984 9 FELIX FELIX7J

The extraordinary tale of

Scene I Scene V Mr Mooney's kitchen (later) A deserted refectory, save for a solitary figure, slouched over his empty gruel bowl. The three chefs prance naked around the A Chorus of Waitresses is assembled off- stove incanting: stage. Clje ^resiibent - Jflan or pull? Double, double boil and trouble Eric Darbyshire, for it is he, lifts his gruel Fire burn and cauldron bubble bowl, and staggers towards Mr Mooney. Eye of newt, and toe of frog Wool of bat, and tongue of dog. Eric: Please, Mr Mooney, may I have some more. -a Victorian melodrama in one act- Mooney: By the pricking of my thumbs, Mr Mooney: More? More? MORE!?! No something wicked this way comes. one has ever asked for more. Enter mad Bull, Eric and Aunty Jenny. Mr Mooney clicks his fingers and the Chorus Accompanied by Hippo, the Rector, Sir of Spanish Waitresses trumps in. Henry Bufton-Tufton of that Ilk, Chorus of Chorus of waitresses (singing in Spanish Waitresses, Dave Parry's girlfriend, accents) Refectory Suggestions and Complaints Committee, Internal Services Committee Darbyshire, Darbyshire, Never before has a and the combined Refectory Boycott. boy wanted more, Darbyshire, Darbyshire Aunty Jenny: Oh Victor dearie, I implore Non haciendo, senor, per favor. you, won't you relent? Won't you release Eric from his banishment? Mr Mooney: For God sake shut-up, you old Rector: He'll never do it. bags, or I'll send you back to Fulham where I Sir Bufton.Tufton: Oh yes he will! found you. Rector: Oh no he won't. (turning to Eric) And as for you, young fellow Sir Henry Bufton-Tufton: et omnes: OH me lad, you good-for-nothing layabout — YES HE WILL! you'd better go before the Rector. Mooney: Stop, stop, stop. I will do it, but Eric: But what use would I be to him? I'm only if you can beat my chorus of good for nothing (rubbing his eyes blearily). Waitresses at a bun fight! Mooney: Are you ideed? Well you're Everyone: All right! banished to Estates, in that case. Chorus of Waitresses waddle out on to the main refectory armed with Mooney's rock Eric packs his belongings into a soiled buns. handkerchief, and is escorted out of the kitchens by Choruses of Waitresses. They Aunty Jenny: Come on dearies — we can take him to the Estates Department where easily beat them — arm yourselves with the Fire Alarms, Telephones and other baked minced beef rolls. disasters are arranged. But suddenly a hush descends over the Scene II Scene III assembled hordes, with a glint in his eye Union Office Rector's Flat Rector: Wake up, young fool, they've broader, and his ears long and hairy. He Eric: (Rubbing his bleary eyes) But who Mooney wheels in his gleaming sausage banished Eric to Estates. starts grunting and snorting, and then are You? trumpet. And it is pointing directly at them - for a moment no one moves. But then Hippo The Union Office staff sit around with their Ian Bull sits on the hearth-rug in the Rector's Sir Bufton-Tufton: Don't call me a fool, you charges towards the open French Windows, Aunty Jenny: Why I'm the Jenny of the strides across the refectory and defiantly feet up, slurping sherry, and complaining drawing room, idly stoking the fire. The old fool. and out into the garden. phone of course, your fairy godmother. Now jumps into the barrel of the trumpet Rector reclines in a deep arm chair giving Ian Rector: Not you, you fool, it's Ian I'm talking what's your first wish. about their work-load. Hippo (laughing as she is drawn into the Aunty Jenny is getting sherry from the his instructions for the week. Every few to. Lady Flowers: Well that's what I call Eric; Well, I'd like a sherry, please. mechanism): No sausage trumpet can intravenous drip, Dave Parry. minutes Sir Henry Bufton-Tufton of that Ilk, Ian (awake): But what am I going to do? gratitude — I shall never hold another beer Aunty Jenny: Yes, of course deary. But survive this! Suddenly the befuddled calm of the office is Governor-in-Chief, jumps out from behind Rector: I don't know, go and get him back, I and bangers as long as I live. what sort. shattered as Hippo Claybrain hurtles in: the sofa and shouts 'I disagree, I disagree'! expect. Eric: I'll have a pale, please. The Rector ignores these interjections. Ian: But I can't do that. Nobody ever returns Scene IV Aunty Jenny: (giggling) A pail? Why dearie, Mooney: Damn it! She's jammed my Hippo: Snort, pew, grunt. Suddenly a red and gold telephone rings from Estates. Eric in Estates isn't the glass big enough? trumpet. I concede. I concede. Eric is Aunty Jenny: Darling, what do you mean faintly - the Rector answers. Aunty Jenny (handing Eric the sherry): And unbanished! Everyone: (Cheering) 'Mooney's banished Eric'. Where's he Lady Flowers enters, stage left, obeying the Eric sits in the Estates lair. He is alone, for for your second wish? banished him to? Rector: Hallo, Baron of Queensgate. no entry signs pinned to the other doors, the entire Estates section is 'in a meeting' Eric: Oh that's easy. Please get me out of The crowd disperses, everyone going back Hippo: Estates,snort. Aunty Jenny (for it is she): Hallo, dearie. carrying a tray of sausages. according to their secretary. Around Eric, Estates — I can't bear all this sitting around, Aunty Jenny: Oh don't worry dearie — it'll Can you tell lan, they've varnished the Union on the floor, lie hundreds of old dial doing nothing. to their ordinary jobs, to continue their work be weeks before they do anything to him. gates. Lady Flowers: Come on, you've all got to telephones removed by Estates during the of old. Have a nice sherry — it'll help you get your Rector: Can you speak up, please. This is a eat up your bangers — I won't take no for an phone modernization scheme. Aunty Jenny skips round the sherry bottle As they leave: breath back. College telephone, you know. answer! Eric lifts one of the dirty instruments, and three times and taps it with her wand. Hippo: Gosh, thanks Aunty. Aunty Jen (screeching) CAN YOU TELL Ian: (groan) Oh, all right then, just one idly starts to rub the handset. Just at that moment the mad bull crashes Mooney (to Ian): Just one question, Ian. IAN, THEY'VE BANISHED ERIC TO more. Suddenly, in a puff of smoke, a figure through the flimsy Estates doors and Why are you dressed up as a lamb? Aunty serves the sherry - but unseen by the ESTATES. appears. screeches to a halt. others sneaks off into her office and dials As Ian eats the sausage, a curious Aunty Jenny and Eric jump on his back one-seven-oh, the. secret hot-line to the The Rector drops the telephone receiver and tranformation takes place. Horns begin to Aunty Jenny: Hallo dearie, your wish is my and he charges out towards Mooney's Rector. turns to Ian, who is by now asleep. sprout from his head, his nose becomes command. kitchens.

10 Wednesday 12 December 1984 11 CFEATURE; Next term, the dullest, most tedious are simply the only one for the job. post will go to one of the so-called competition IC Union has to offer will Last year, smart-arse Ian Bull managed hacks-people who have spent two, begin. We are talking, of course, about to pull this con-trick with admirable four or even five years sipping sherry the elections for President. While skill. Perhaps squiring the then in the Union Office, sitting on obscure FELIX Editor and Deputy President (female) President, Gaynor Lewis all and largely ineffectual committees and both involve hard work and require real year did something to help. However, proposing the odd (but never talent, to get yourself elected President this year no such obvious candidate controversial) UGM motion. How many you need different qualities: egotism, has appeared. But this does not mean of you have ever done any of these? megalomania and the ability to drink at that the position is open to all takers. great length all help, but most We all know that the average student importantly you need to be able to has less than a snowball's chance in Now let's get on and look at some of encourage everyone to believe that you hell of becoming President. No, the the candidates who might become NEXT YEAR'S

Carl Burgess Incontinent ex-rag mag editor, Carl inhabits a strange world of drunkeness and delusion. He stood for President two years ago on a furry toilet seat platform and will probably stand again this year on anything he can find. He is reported to have addressed the hustings UGM in Italian, Greek and sign- elephant. We at FELIX are the 2. His extreme right-wing language as well as English, last to be hippocritical. We views are anathema to most with the aid of three don't want to make too much impoverished students and so simultaneous translators. of her singing Bestiality's Best he would be well advised to Whether this gained him any at a recent barnight, either. keep hisoblong mouth shut as minority votes is unclear. As How else is a hippo to have much as possible. you may have realised, Carl some fun? 3. Due to an unfortunate can only command the status personality disorder he finds of a joke candidate, and such Mike 'Baldthing' Stuart the recommendation in 2 people rarely win ICU As ex-Guilds President and impossible. elections. Welfare Officer, altruistic, Perhaps these faults were to responsible, knowledgeable blame for his defeat in the and mature enough to accept Presidential elections two a Huge cheeky smile his nearly hairless state, years ago. But since then, 'Baldthing' would be an ideal Boolery Woolery has had the candidate were it not for one highlights put in his hair and Hugh Greystoke' Stiles thing—he has been recog- exchanged his glasses for Without doubt the most nised as a 'wet', and in ICU contact lenses, and thus shambolic and foot festering* politics, that is fatal. disguised, will probably stand candidate, and at best a rank again. outsider, Greystoke (so called because of his biannual dress sense) is nevertheless an experienced Union Officer. Despite his shy and retiring manner, Greystoke is Joanna Claydon currently engaged in shit- During the last year, as stirring in the Chemical External Affairs Officer, Engineering Department. Joanna has been a constant (This does not mean that he reminder that some students ever had anything to do with suffer horribly from inflation. Guildshit). Many, however, consider her nickname 'Hippo Claybrain' * doesn't change his socks grossly unfair. It has been J Martin Taylor stated in her defence that she Without doubt, Boolery does, after all, have the grace Woolery is the most ably and dignity of a reversing qualified candidate having sat J Martin's new look on more committees than he's eaten hot dinners in his fifty years here to date. Hugh 'Bigbum' Southey His most noteworthy skill The youngest of the field, (apart from his rare wit and Bigbum is known as the blue- intelligence) is the ability to haired, blond-eyed boy of talk indefinitely on any FELIX and the buffoon of IC subject. His three major Radio. He is so energetic and handicaps are: enthusiastic that he tends to 1. His funny regional accent leap about in conversations. (he hails from Lancashire) Although widely regarded as invariably reduces a captive naive, Bigbum does have audience to tears, boredom, a considerable expertise in both hypnotic trance, or most Union Affairs and pub- So there you have it—the best often, to incapacitating lications; in other words a ICU has to offer. Who will you hysteria. right pain in the arse! vote for? Wednesday 12 December 1984 FELIX fELIXU The DHSS option involves signing on in London as and when required so it is probably easiest to go for standard Vacation housing benefit which can all be done by post. Supplementary Benefit Money If you are not getting a grant you can sign on for supplementary Housing Benefits benefit so long as you are Please note: unemployed and available for The most likely way in which you work. This is worth around £26 will be able to get additional money during the vacation is by per week. getting a sizable contribution Unemployment Benefit towards the rent which you pay To be eligible for unemployment ULU Travel (STA) during the vacation. benefit, during the Christmas Most students can get housing vacation you need to have in the JCR benefit during term time if they worked and paid National pay over £21 per week, exclusive Insurance Contributions during of heating and lighting. Many of the relevant period. In effect you you are already taking advantage need to have earned over £1350 of this. In order to get more between April 1981 and April Phone number is 581 8882 money during the vacation, all 1982 or over £1475 between April you have to do is write to the 1982 and April 1983. housing benefit section which you are already dealing with, tell NB Overseas students, that is them that you are paying rent non-EEC students are not not as advertised in over the vacation and that you eligible for these benefits. want your claim to be re- Furthermore it can cause assessed. In most cases you will serious problems if you try to previous issues get around 70% of your rent back claim them. in this way. If you would like to find out more If you have not already claimed about any of these benefits and then you can either sign on as how to go about claiming them, unemployed in which case you please call into Student Services will get certificated housing benefit through the DHSS. 15 Princes Gardens. Alternatively you can submit a Student Services will be closed claim for standard housing from 17 December to 1 January benefit. inclusive. Buzz Off Cadbury For Christmas w€F Schweppes Graduate Opportunities with Cadbury Schweppes

Wednesday 12 December The Ante-Room 6.00pm Sherfield Building

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FELIX Wednesday 12 December 1984 13 ["PUZZLES; Tinker'%

Welcome to the Christmas Bumper puzzles column. There are There follows a puzzle which I thought of myself. It took me seven puzzles desinged to lure you away from all the problem several weeks before I realised the solution. I wish you the best sheets you are trying to catch up on. There will be three £5 of luck in finding the solution more quickly! cheques for the solvers of the prize puzzles, graded 3 or higher. Can a solid sphere be cut into forty three separate pieces with In addition there will be a £10 prize for solvers of all seven only six simultaneous planar cuts? puzzles, who will be automatically entered for the three £5 (A proof is required!). prizes. GRADE 4 Merry Puzzling!

This is my favourite puzzle. Using one cut, split the shape Cut along the dotted lines, crease along the solid lines, then below into two pieces identical in both size and shape. There is fold up the rectangle such that the numbers are in sequence (ie a solution with no 'fiddles' (ie folding or turning over of the final one on top two below it and eight on the bottom). Of course the shapes) which is valid regardless of the angle of the two parallel numbers may face either up or down. lines. Do the same for the second rectangle.

r 71 1 8 2 7

4 ' 5 3 6 L

"I n r <- L L 8

GRADE 3

Show that

L J 1 GRADE 3

The solution does not involve any of the theory of limits. Find a practical arrangement of six matches such that each match touches all the other matches. GRADE 2 GRADE 1

Take two long similar cylinders, intersect them at right angles This is more an IQ test than a puzzle. Find the missing terms in (ensuring their axies meet at a point). Then find the volume of the following infinite series. the shape enclosed by both cylinders. The latter was believed to be the first example of a problem for which calculus presented the only possible method of solution. The problem may indeed be solved trivially using a volume integral, but years later an elegant and much faster solution was discovered. Find the simple solution given that the volume of a J± £2 B..... ~5 4 3 sphere is /37Tr . GRADE 1 GRADE 3

14 Wednesday 12 December 1984 FELIX REVIEWS!] Meat loaf: Nowhere Fast THEATRE SINGLES The follow-up to 'Modern Girl' is also from the highly The problem with reviewing successful album 'Bad Dramsoc plays is that by the Attitude'. Mr Loaf has at last time this is published it'll be got back the excitement of too late to see the play 'Bat Out Of Hell' and with anyway. Which is a shame for 'Nowhere Fast' I think he'll those who missed this their regain his rightful place at the latest offering, the third top of the rock world. production this season. Pythagoras is a light- Stevie Wonder: Love Light In hearted comedy with a Flight thoughful message. Set in a Believe it or not (and you mental hospital, the play probably won't!) Stevie derives its humour mainly actually asked me if I thought form the antics of the patients. this would make a good Whilst normally such a single. I said yes (well what subject could be considered so they don't all start again. else do you say to a risque, it's all done in the best Toy Dolls: Nellie The Elephant Having just listened to the megastar?) but now I'm not so possible taste. It's a rerelease but I had to Toy Dolls I can find absolutely sure. A good quality sound, John Burgess is well cast as review it. I had only ever heard nothing I like about this one. excellent production, but I'm the megalomanical Pytha- 'Jitterbugging' by the Dolls Another song, with nothing afraid it does nothing for me. goras. Convinced he is the until last week when this came lyrics, nothing tune and Perhaps that's just 'cause I reincarnation of the Greek out. Within two days I'd nothing appeal. love his ballads. I'll tell him mathematician he is able to bought it. What can you say? next time!! cause thunder and lightening, Well, if you've ever enjoyed Lou Read: lLove You Suranne make the phone ring at will, do yourself you'll love this. At IC Starts like a Trio song but Kenny & Dolly: Christmas difficult calculations in his Radio, everyone, from the soon breaks into an American Without You head and generally walk on classical show presenter, to funky rock song with a god I bet this gets played all the water. When cured and back the heavy metal DJ say it's awful clapping machine in the time on Radio Two. Apparent- to sanity he loses these great. So do I. background. As a rule I don't ly it's from the new 'Once abilities and his self like American rock. This is no Upon a Christmas' album. I confidence. With the other Fraggles: All Around The exception. The flip, 'Vicious', can just see my grannie parts, whilst one or two of the World is produced by Dave Bowie, getting it this year, and characters were either slightly A couple of months ago, did but seems like a failed Stones subjecting us all to aural unconvincing or a bit over you get as pissed off as I did .take off. Forget it, Lou, purgatory when I want to see played, on the whole the with idiots putting on Fraggle whatever you do I prefer the the Top Of The Pops special. standard of acting was voices! I hope this is aflopjust Toy Dolls! Thank God for videos! commendably high. Thursday night, Coronet musician for Bird and Davis, Street in the basement of a now co-director of Wave converted warehouse, an old Recording Studios, below man with sunken eyes and which his club, the Bass Clef, back round the long flowing beard moves up is based. to the stage microphone Although open for just three amidst whistles and applause months, Mr Ind has already for a handful of hard-boppers, made the Clef a name to now settling themselves in the remember, alongside Ronnies bar. 'Tell allyourfriendsabout and the 100 Club, as a place to us', he cries. 'Running a club; find serious music of all types well its no trip, but its a in the jazz spectrum. With an groove'. The band is the enormous backup of artists to BASS intensely powerful Weller call on, it can provide live Spring Quartet. The MC is music, lunchtime and never seem to close; they're attracting an elite of wealthy Peter Ind, one time session evening, six days a week. always ticking over, always posers, with little interest in Thursday's offering of hard- busy. Since the demise of the hard jazz. But Ind defends bop clinched it. Friday night dance halls in the forties and Ronnies, ('He helped me open Coronet St came early; Weller, tight-as a fifties, however, jazz over here this place'). The acts Scott Hoxton Sq. kettle drum, lauched some has revolved around the 'jazz- brings over from the States London N1 terrific riffs on occasions, pub'. Beer, skittles and blues, have to be paid for, air fare and Oid st e- constantly nagged, as ever by but at the patron's discretion all. So artists play at Ronnies hypnotically precise rhythm and subject to normal for weeks, not nights and get Tel O! 729 2476/2440 work from Brian Spring. Errol licensing hours. Some pubs to know the place before Clark, all too often too quiet to have tried to overcome the going home. How does Peter DECEMBER DATES be heard, is a terrific pianist, problem, (the Bull and Gate in Ind expect to do the same? and the intimate atmosphere Kentish Town uses its large American jazz-players have 12 Blue Note Revisited: Ray was well suited to giving him a snooker hall and stage to seat recorded at Wave for a long Warleigh and Chris Pyne fair hearing. The syncopation 400 people) but with no base time now, (most recently 13 Stan Robinson Quintet has shifted from Spring to to rehearse and work from, guitarist, Buddy de Franco with John Taylor Weller since I last saw them many musicians find con- laying down a new LP called 16 Pete King/Henry Lowther two years ago, but they're still stanty 'touring London' hard 'A Chip off the Old Blop'). Quintet red hot and razor sharp. whilst many others never see Other muscians he can catch 19 Pat Crumley Sextet with In the recording studio the light of day. on tour or from the national Guy Barker above the club, I talked to Ind Many jazz enthusiasts think festivals. 'Of course, its early 20 Henry Lowther/Pete more closely about his new that the few late-night clubs days yet', but Ind has many Beachill Quintet ventures. Having spent much that do exist in the capital contacts. And for clubs who 23 Don Weller/Bryan Spring of his life in New York and the have a monopoly on the have no studios or capital or Quartet States, he was well aware of scene. Ronnie Scotts, the hub contacts? 'Well, its no trip but 30 Duncan Lamont/Kenny the lack of proper jazz-venture of London's jazz club network its a groove'. Wheeler Quintet in London. Stateside clubs is exorbitantly expensive,

FELIX Wednesday 12 December 1984 15 CREVIEWSZ Glyn Philpot Rock Concerts Bolero At the National Portrait Bo Derek does it again and Gallery. Hype, hype! The Lloyd Cole and the Commot- again and again and... In recently rediscovered Philpot London ions and Blow Monkeys at the search of a latter day sexual is back in vogue. Completely Hammersmith Palais. Dec 13 hero. convincing. (Ring 930 1552) (£4). Marillion at the Hammersmith Modern Masters from the Christmas Odeon. Dec 13 (£5). Dune Set to be a real scorcher. A lot Thyssen - Bornemisza Kool and the Gang at Collection Wembley Arena. Dec 15, 16 of hype and money has gone into this. Its about the creation At the Royal Academy until Diary (£10) Dec 19. A show definetely not Gary Glitter at the Hammer- of a religious leader I think, and spans at least four to be missed, of most smith Palais. Dec 16 (£4) planets. Starring Sting, discriminating taste and Chris de Burgh at the among others. enormous scope. (Ring 734 Hammersmith Odeon. Dec 18, 9052). Theatre 19 (£6) UFO At the Lyceum. Dec 18 Susan Rothenberg and Visual Art The Nerd (£4) George Stubbs At the Aldwych. Starring Imagination at the Hammer- At the Tate. Worth a look if you Rowan Atkinson. If you like smith Odeon. Dec 20, 21 The Print in Germany 1880- 1930 happen to be down that way. the faces and the whimsical (£4.50) (Ring 821 1313). habits of this man, then this is Neil (Young Ones) at the At the British Museum. A your chance to have a good magnificient collection, Hammersmith Odeon. Dec 22 John Deakin laugh. Guaranteed to let you including works by Kollwitz, (£3) At the V&A. Pure photo- know the American definition Kircher, Heckel, Marc, Alarm at the Hammersmith graphs of well known sitters in of 'Nerd'. Some great Palais. Dec 23 (£4) Kandinsky, Klee, Beckmann, Schwitters and Grosz if that an entirely unpretentious one.liners as well. (Ring 836 Nik Kershaw at the Hammer- style. Highly Recommended. means anything to you. (Ring 6404) smith Odeon Dec 28-31 (£6) (Ring 589 6371). Thompson Twins at Wembley 636 1555). Little Shop of Horrors Arena. Dec 29, 30 (£6.30) At the Comedy. The Play of "Billy Bragg and Frank the B-Movie disaster, but this Chickens and Hank Wangford is no flop. This pastiche about Band at the Lyceum. Dec 30th a naughty plant is now (£4) running well and worth a Bookshop News watch. (Ring 930 2578) Cinema The Hired Man The Bookshop sign on the NEW TITLES — HARDBACK At the Astoria. Based on the Films now showing all over wall which leads to Chemical So Much Love Beryl Reid novel by Melvyn Bragg. A London Engineering has been Hutchinson £8.95. braeing, rugged, simple and borrowed by person or The Complete Winetaster & utterly exhilerating musical The Killing Fields Cellarman Michael Broadbent adaption of Bragg's novel persons unknown! As these It's got to be good if it's British. are rather expensive, I would Mitchell Beazley £8.95 about life in a rural Cumbria Or has it? David Putman's film Websters Wine Price Guide community during the years about Vietnam, Cambodia etc. appreciate that particular one bridged by the Great War. A Surely you've heard? back. I wonder if they are the 1985 O Z Clark Mitchell highlight of this year. (Ring same people who took the Beazley £9.95. 734 4287) A Private Function finger plates off the shop Wilt on high Tom Sharp An Alan Bennett script. Piggy door? Seeker & Warburg £8.95. Loor jokes during the late 1940's There is a collection bottle Operation Willi Michael Bloch At the Lyric Shaftesbury. By when everyone wanted pork on the counterforthe Douglas Weidenfeld & Nicholson Joe Orton. This classic for dinner. Layered onto a Bader Foundation. The aim of £10.95. funeral parlour farce is still a sub-plot of middle class social hoot. Compulsory viewing! warfare. As timid Michael the foundation is to create a Hambro Tax Guide 1984-85 W (Ring 437 3696) Palin and wife Maggie Smith much needed sports and I Sinclair Longman £10.95. nick a porder ear-marked for rehabilitation centre where A Word In Your Ear Philip Of Mice and Men the town's celebration of the the limbless will be able to Howard Hamish Hamilton At the Mermaid Theatre. comming marriage of meet and participate in a £7.50 Adapted from Steinbeck's Princess Elizabeth. number of activities, so if you Daybreak On A Different moving tale of ranch-hands in want to get rid of any old Mountain Colin Greenland 30's California. A show of The Natural paper money before it goes Allen & Unwin £8.95. carefully tuned sensitivity. Starring Robert Redford. Go (Ring 236 5568). out of print, here is an ideal Mexico Set Len Deighton along and scream or get your way. Hughinson £8.95 wobby bits tingling. This is a Only two weeks to Pocket Wine Book 1985 Hugh Trumpets and Raspberries good, clean filmthatwill make At the Phoenix Theatre. With you want to clap. Redford as Christmas, don't forget we Johnson Mitchell Beazley Grift Rhys Jones and Gwen baseball player coming back have a wide range of general £4.95 Taylor. An entertaining if to the game in comparitive old books covering most Tiem Diary Cartoons Barry diminishingly fruitful farce age, but boy can he still hit subjects, stationary items, Fantoni Anthony Blond £4.95. about mistaken identity in the that ball. Hara! Christmas cards and wrap- NEW TITLES — PAPERBACK Italian car industry. (Ring 836 ping paper. If in doubt, you Egon Ronay Lucas Guide 8611). 7984 can always give a booktoken 1985 Mitchell Beasley £7.50 Highly recommended. which can be used in any Take A Clean Spoon — Pump Boys and Dinettes Burton's last role alongside bookshop. Elizabeth Reid Kelso At the Piccadilly Theatre. With John Hurt. The greatest Kiki Dee and crew. Nothing achievement is to have The Sportshop has T-shirts, Graphics £2.50. profound or challenging here, incorporated the impossible sweat shirts, jumpers, Word Processing Book even a bit rough, but good preaching and crazed ideas trainers, squash rackets, Katherine Aschner Pan £2.95. musical entertainment. (Ring into the fabric with hardly any Speedo tracksuits and various What Is Ecology? D F OWEN 437 4506) loose threads. other sporting requirements. Opus £3.95

16 Wednesday 12 December 1984 FELIX SPORTD SAILING In mixed doubles both Mike Walker setting a beautiful short ball and Susan, and Julie and Chris for Christos to spike down in a LADIES CRICKET had hard fought games — both metre inside Kent's attack zone. pairs eventually losing in three The second set was closer, with IC Officials games. Steve and Janet fared the relaxing a bit, but with hard work End of best of all — they won three from Steve and Dom on the long sunk matches, which enabled them to ball, Al blasting everything remotely term Imperial Pinkies vs City 2-0 reach the quarter finals, where like a half ball and Stef pounding the For the last six weeks the men's Imperial Greenies vs UL2 0-1 they finally lost to a pair from odd half-behind with glee the result cricket team has had company in Loughborough. was a foregone conclusion, the the nets at Lord's Indoor Cricket City University mustered all their The mens doubles saw IC's score 15-11 for us. Unfortunately School. An enthusiastic nucleus courage and actually turned up second appearance in a quarter Mike didn't have a second chance of women cricketers have been this week for what was to be a final, this time from Steve and to try his new attacking jump-dig as taking advantage of the excellent very blustery match. The start of Mike, where they were unlucky he was on the subs bench with coaching facilities in preparation the first race saw the pink team to lose a very close game. Our yours truly providing moral for six-a-side and eleven-a-side take command and finish other mens doubles pair (Chris support. fixtures in the approaching convincing winners against City. and Alan) got knocked out in Congratulations also to the season. The second race was equally their first match. Ladies team which played on There is one more net booked one-sided although one of the Our only entry in the ladies Sunday — they won for the first before the end of term. From City helms was allowed to lead doubles was Susan and Julie, time ever, a convincing victory over 6pm to 7pm on Wednsesday 12 the way around a very tricky and they played some hard the girls of Brunei University. We December, but more are course while Imperial cruised fought games — both pairs hope this is just the beginning, as the planned for next term as we've home second, third and fourth. eventually losing in three games. potential and the enthusiam exists got an indoor six-a-side The green team raced UL2 in a Steve and Janet fared the best of in plenty! tournament to get in shape for. much closer match. The all — they won three matches, Unfortunately, things started to So if you want to learn the finer outcome was finally decided by a which enabled them to reach the go to pieces after that good start points of our national sport, get multiboat collision, during which quarter finals, where they finally and we lost to Kent and Sussex, in touch with Kate Gilbert, Aoe smashed up yet another lost to a pair from Lough- with the digs letting us down a bit — petroleum Geology PG. rudder. UL2 were extremely borough. though some good blocks and Absolute beginners are lucky to emerge un-scathed from The mens doubles saw IC's covering helped, and the serving welcome. the melee and scored a very second appearance in a quarter was marvellous at times, more undeserved victory. Further final, this time form Steve and communications would have DARTS racing was attemped, but the Mike, where they were unlucky helped, though this could be difficult starting officials boat developed to lost a very close game. Our in a team of two Greeks, an Irani, a sub-aqua tendances and, as the other mens doubles pair (Chris German, a Czech, a Scot and the Treble former were not equiped with and Alan) knockered out in their token minority Englishwoman — snorkels, racing was abandoned. first match. Captain Viv Not to miss out the Our only entry in the ladies Irish coach! Well done all round. success BADMINTON doubles was Susan and Julie, A quick mention for the lads of IC 4 Weavers 3 and they played some hard the men's second team who IC 4 Lord Palmerston 3 matches, enabling them to reach unfortunately lost to Shoreditch last Well, that's three in a row, a the quarter-finals, where they week. Never mind chaps stiff upper result not seen at IC for the last Individual lost to No 2 seeds from Warwick. lips — things can only get better, two years. In truth the victories UAU Badminton individual Altogether our first appear- keep up the hard work. should have been by larger Championships 1984, played at ance in the UAU badminton margins, but victories they were Nottingham University 23-25 tournament was well worth while nonetheless. Against the November. with three pairs reaching quarter HOCKEY Weavers Pete was crap (what's finals. new), Buz and Alan were Friday at 5pm saw the arrival probably the best players of the squad in Nottingham. The Records although Alan's nine and eleven squad consisted of five Post VOLLEYBALL somewhat blemished his Grads (Mike Bradley, Steve Last Saturday the thirds performance. Against the Willis, Chris Gaukroger, Alan encountered the best opposition Palmerston Ian (our glorious Pither, Janet Folkes) and two UAU so far this season. However leader) was drinking slimeline freshers (Susan Yates and Julie undaunted by this fact we were BITTER LEMON, and JAZ, who Goodeve). First on the agenda determined to set new 3rd XI was on Penicillin (possibly due to was a raid on Sainsburys, triumph records, and we suceeded. The a nocturnal transgression) drank followed by reporting in at Nott records created were:- ORANGE SQUASH. Both Univ Sports Centre for the IC Mens Volleyball team are on the a Largest squad of the season changed to bitter (what men!) singles matches. way to a repeat of last year's win in (13 players). during the evening, but the initial In the men's singles, Mike and the University Athletic's Union b Most short corners impact caused untold conster- Alan were knocked out in their Championships coming out top in conceded in a half (apporox 12 in nation amongst our team of firstmatch, whilst Steve survived the South-East regional competition first half). hardened alcoholics. Pete was one round, only to lose to the No held at Essex University, c Least number of shorts surprisingly put in at number two 2 seed in the next; who Colchester, last Saturday. After converted into goals (none), and played almost compatently eventually won the final. convincingly beating East Anglia , d Longest throw of a hockey although still scoring a seven and In the ladies singles, Janet lost Surrey and Sussex Universities, IC, stick, thanks to Mark cubitt. a five. Ians' sobriety allowed his her first match as did Julie (to the as expected, found themselves up c Most goals scored by a goalie best performance of the season No 2 seed), but Susan won one against old rivalsKent . The first set (well done Chris Jones), with Buz and Richard playing match, which gave her the of this match resulted in an anti- f Greatest number of goals well again. The cup eights was dubious honour of returning for climatic 15-2 victory for Imperial — scored by opposition (five). won by a walkover, the cheap 9am on Saturday when she the very first IC attacking move Finally we also managed to beer causing the opposition to be promptly lost her second match. showed the way with Pete 'Finger' maintain our 100% home record. too pissed to compete. FELIX Wednesday 12 December 1984 17 QSPORT ORIENTEERING Team four, having won their first against the treasurer he did 10-PIN BOWLING match of the season 9-0 have manage to win thanks to 'Dimwit' been losing all subsequent Chris three putting the last two Weekend matches by a similar margin. greens. Thrashed This state of affairs should Improving weather conditions improve though next term now in the afternoon did not enable Well, we did it again! The 'crack' orgy? that the players have gained Huw Jones to improve. In the IC bowling squad cracked! Yes, T'was the 'o'-event to end them some league experience. gathering dusk the less another 10-0 thrashing by all when Imperial took on Oxford Team list: Richard Homan, competent players finally holed Southampton Univ. They even University, Kent Poly, and Joseph Monkham, Mike out as the clubhouse lights decided to toy with us by hiding everyone else last weekend in Shewan, Dean Sarson, twinkled beyond the 18th green. four of their team members. Scrotty Woods. Matthew Bridgewater and An excellent meal was followed Actually, the rules say that if a Browning really put the skids Radar Nuwayhid. by a concerted attack on the missing team member does not under the opposition for a van- Team five, in the words of the Sudbury fruit machine and Bill run up during the first half of a slide win in M2IE, beating Bloor divisional secretary 'Erica's was once again a loser. game, the team must do without (who hadn't drawn the map this doing a grand job'! They have put On a more serious note new them. Their missing four just week) and the top Imperial men. together some good team members are welcomed and if turned up with virtually seconds Forster ran like he was carrying a performances and have reaped there is any interested beginners to spare. Dammit, we might have sackful of potatoes, while Andy the rewards in the form of a maybe able to get subsidised taken a few points off them! and his EXVOC chums had string of good (Many against tuition, otherwise next term So, what about the match? stopped to play with the sheep. teams well above them in the there will be a pairs 'fourball The A-team played below par Eppington, who had drunk a Division). Their first match next better ball' competition as well as and lost. The B-team again had a whole pint of cider the night term should be interesting friendliers. Finally congratu- closer match and were unlucky before (Sally helped) didn't feel however, as they are scheduled lations go the Captain Phil who to win a point. A good game from well at all; while Wu wan the to meet Team four who are managed to knock a ball onto the Gary Koh here. The C team wong way and hasn't been seen determined to secure their tube line at Park Royal station. were beaten. So were the ladies since. second victory of the season as team. You can't really make up a Meanwhile, in W21, Sally was soon as possible. BADMINTON team of five ladies when only one left holding the trophy after a Team list:Erica Parkes, girl has been all term! Controller's enquiry into Patsy's Richard Brookfield, Christine As a bonus to all you silly- elastic stocking revealed the Spears, Gerry NG, D Tilley, End of the prone people, there is a multi- shocking truth! John Tilley, John Davies. prize bowling session today. Win Hopefully there should be cans of coke, Mars bars etc for TABLE TENNIS some more regular reports road doing just about anything and printed next term as the season UAU Ladies Badminton last 16 have a good chance of winning a really starts hotting up. So keep a IC(South East 2) Vs Bradford bottle of something rather look out and if you're interested (East Midlands 1) alocholic. Close to in playing in a team come up any Wednesday afternoon. We will Despite our (near) perfect HOCKEY victory be very pleased to see you. Also performance which enabled us the TT ladder is in operation now to get this far, this occasion not a As the term draws to a close I .and is open to all members so memorable performance in Cup win thought I would write a summary come up and join it if you don't terms of both team participation of what has been happening on want the commitment of Team and success. IC moved into the second round the top floor of the Union play but want some competition. Arriving at King's Cross at the of the cup aware that, although, Building. unearthly hour of 9am on RCS were undoubtedly the This year we have five teams in GOLF Wednesday, we learnt that two underdogs, they were not going the Central London League: of our players had, the previous to be brushed aside easily. The Team one, although not having night, unearthed unsuitable (yet oppositons tactics were obvious actually won any matches yet in Christmas effective) reasonsjor not playing: from the start, and the use of the Division two are improving and too much work. (This apparently packed defence may well have are only just losing each game. overlooked the fact that we were worked if Smith and Luffkin Team list: Wladeh Forysiah, challenge 6 hours on BR trains—allowed hadn't contrived well to score Geo/ Parsons, David Rhodes Last Wednesday IC golfing unlimited work). two short corners early in the and various Team two members. Society held their Christmas 36 Hence, the team which left for first half. This forced RCS to Team two, got off to a flying hole stableford competition. Bradford consisted of only four attack and both sides start, appearing top of Division Adam would have won if the players: Julie Goodeve, Farida squandered chances as IC tried four on the last table produced. weather had had a Zambian Katelli, Jane Radford and Susan to put the game beyond RCS's This is ai! due to good teamwork flavour to it. However Dave Long Yates. This team faced with the reach. The second half saw IC and we ail hope that the results being over-handicapped at four problem that we had already dominating the midfield and keep coming in next term. was hard pushed to gain a conceded three games, and pushing up hard in order to Team list: Graeme Cant, narrow victory over Jeff Morris. would have to win five out of the increase their lead. However the Andy Lewry, David Gallagher, The other seven players also remaining six to win the match. RCS defence held firm with Detlef Kopp and Pong Leung. achieved memorable perform- Unfortunately (for us), McGillivary and Parker finding Team three are the dark horse ances although Bill Passmore did Bradford produced a good team, the sweeper, keeper or of the group. As the results only manage a meagre 38 points for and we won only three out of the narrowness of the goal difficult to appear on the sheets periodically the entire 36 holes, and was remaining six games, leaving overcome. their present form is not known. subsequently last. Perhaps he Bradford with a six-three win. So the game ended with IC However from all accounts they should worry less about cheque Sincere thanks to all those happy with their two-nil victory are doing all right so far. books and it was suggested that who have participated in UAU but reflecting on the fact that to Team listBrian Norminton, L he return to his skis! Despite this Badminton Matches (Ladies and progress much further they will Sabotinov, Kim Male,NChahal, bad performance by Bill who was Mens), and our success can only have to start scoring a few more Steve Desbruslais. two down with three to play improve next year! of the easier chances. 18 Wednesday 12 December 1984 FELIX season — as long as everyone College scored seven times. The NETBALL believes it, and no-one talks to WATERPOLO last game against Bristol was the Brian behind the Union Bar, we'll decisive one. College were be OK! playing in white for the first time Goldsmiths were being and, out of turn, Bristol scored hammered by us to such an first. The game was fast and the extent that they injured one of Repeat hurried atmosphere meant a few A wealth our team, (accidentally, of opportunites were missed IC's course), just before half time, but success man up drills did not work, of talent in the end, we still managed to however college did have many draw with only six players. good shots on target. Bristol Congratulations to: Carol, Julia, IC's first game in the Southern though, with the help of their Geraldine, Jane B., Debbie, and Region UAU final was against goalie, won 6-3. Imperial College, Imperial Ladies Netball Club Jui, and 'Get Well Soon' to Southampton. IC scored their now as the runners up in the entered UAU for the first time Melenie , who is still on crutches! first goal very early on and Southern league, go through to a this year. Two teams were Tomorrow, we have got two proved to be the faster of the two further semi-final round in entered, and they both came matches at home, with the teams. Southampton never January. The winners of that third in the challenge round, following teams. really showed any cohesion and round might meet Bristol again in which was a respectable result Team one: Geraldine Archer, College won easily. After the final. From the waterpolo considering neither of the teams Julia Avery, Sarah Holmes- huddling for an Ian Spooner team, 'Happy Christmas'. had trained together for more Woodhead, Carol Singleton, Jo team talk IC next played Surrey. than a couple of training Savage, Jane Orford, Debbie College scored from a number of CRICKET sessions. Charlett. well drilled set moves. Three However, since the UAU Team Two: seura Bakman, Jin Surrey shots unfortunately fixtures at the beginning of term, Georgion, Janet Fakes, Nathalie whizzed past IC's goalie Dave neither team has lost a match! Laidler, Angela McLean, Gillian 'the' Wall. Robert, playing 'man The squad training is proving to Langford, Cath Griffeth. in the hole', twice turned his Nets be very useful, with lots of All supporters are welcome, defender to score a couple of The weekly indoor nets at Lords sneaky tactics being 'rehearsed'! (at 9am!), and if anyone out there good goals. Tight marking was are open to anyone who joins the During the first team match at is a netball referee, please please needed to contain Surrey and IC Cricket Club. They take place 7- Goldsmiths College last week, contact me, (Sara Holmes- went on to win the game. Against 8pm each Tuesday, and will run one member of the opposition Woodhead, Physics UG). Bath a practiced 'man up' drill did all through the Spring Term. told us that they were 'dreading Anyone else wanting a not work. This was an ominous To go, sign-up on the lists playng us, because of our good sweatshirt, sign up by this sign for the forthcoming game which are on the notice board on reputation'! That must go down weekend please — I'll collect against Bristol. Bath however the Sherfield Walkway, between in the archives as the quote of the money next term! were dismissed for nothing after STOIC and the JCR. Wednesday 12 Thursday 13

CHRISTIAN UNION PRAYER IC RADIO HIGHLIGHT 1.00am- 1.00pm 625 Tizard Hall, South 8.15am 999kHz. All night show with Side. Meet for Prayer and worship Pete C , Martin S, Ian. each Wednesday till about 2.30pm IC RADIO HIGHLIGHT 1.00am- LEARNING FROM EXPERIENCE 8.15am 999kHz. All night Rock 4.30pm Elec Eng Seminar Room show with Brian M, Jams, Bob. 611. Education Forum. 'How can we help students learn from FATHER CHRISTMAS DEBATE industrial and other work and life 1.00pm Union SCR. Do you believe experiences'. Dr David Boud in Father Christmas? Whether yes DESIRABLE Tertiary Education Research or no come along to the debate Centre, University of New South today —The motion— This house FLAT Walses. believes in Father Christams. CHRISTMAS CELEBRATION STOIC BROADCAST 1.00 and 6.00pm meet above Stans bar 6.00pm JCR (Lunchtime only) (Southside Lounge). Joint Afro- Southside TV Lounge, and all hall Two double and two single TV sets. Christmas Newsbreak! —A Carib and ICAA Christmas event to bedrooms, a big lounge and surprise location. It's very speicial comedy edition: see Ian important that as many people as Bull doing what he does best kitchen and bathroom. possible turn up to make these Drinking Sherry. Yultide Celebrations a success. SHERRY AND MINCE PIES £200 per week inclusive of bills REAL ALE SOC CHRISTMAS PARTY 5.30pm Physics Senior Common Room. Fruit juice and MEETING 7.30pm Union Crush Available early January. Bar. Theakstone Old Peculiar apple pies also available. Only 50p (1060) Youngs Bitter (1036). with Christams Party Ticket, otherwise 75p. IC RADIO HIGHLIGHT 11pm Any group of six should apply until 1am. 999kHz. Twiddly tumm MATHS/PHYSICS XMAS PARTY to Student Services. turn tee — yes it's the Terry Jones 8.30pm-2.00am The Lounge, Santa Speicial, two hours of Ground Floor, Union Building. Free Festive fun for all the family — well punch when bar shuts, Disco. Price I might play a couply of £1.50. Xmas/Tunes!

FELIX Wednesday 12 December 1984 19 Bootepu, UJooleni

It seems the anti-porn campaign against events at College involving strippers has not ended despite the exam failure of its main driving force, the infamous Michael Newman. Far from it, having continually lost votes at IC UGMs Michael has now taken his fight out of College. The first step was his approach to the national papers last year which resulted in an article in the Daily Express, after which he claimed to have been threatened with expulsion from the College by the Rector. Now he has written to every student union president in the country to stir up trouble, resulting in the motion at ULU GUC last week. However, not all anti-porn campaigners in College agree with his tactics. FELIX staff were disturbed from their labours last Wednesday by the sound of Newperson himself SMALL ADS being verbally savaged by a Chem 2 An accident looking for a ANNOUNCEMENTS FOR SALE member of WIST under Beit place to happen. Multi coloured Bermudan under- Arch. However, spare your Hello Dagmor. If you're not inebriated now you will wear. Contact C Davies Met and Mat 1. sympathies since I am able to be after coming to the SDP's Xmas 1981 Talbot Avenger Very good Darling Piaface What a wonderful report that Michael was able to Freshers Party. Wednesday 12 from conditon Taxed/MOT new tyres. Tel year, need I say more? Love always 12.30pm in the Brown Committee Eric On Int 7777 £1395. Ratbag.xxx give as good as he got! Room. Alcohol will be flowing and Paul, Paul, I have not seen you for 10 mince pies forthcoming. Members Rega Planar 3 turntable for sale. Immaculate condition. Sounds truly hours! free, non-members 50p. Now that the Southside fire Today! Mega alcoholic, coke and wondrous! £130. See T Hart, Mech Eng Back scrubbing service — see Dave Mar* bar prize bowling session. Win 2 Weeks Hall. 446. alarm system seems to be getting cakes and Mars bars for doing almost Female intuition — Sue knew when it over its 'teething troubles' the anything and have a good chance of IN MEMORIAM (?!) was coming. real reason for the problem has winning a bottle of whisky, sherry etc. In memory of Chris Darkes who died Xmas free zone in the SCR on Be in Chem Eng foyer by 2.30pm. on the 5 December last Year. He is Thursday? Come and find out with Deb come to light. The contracters Anti-apartheid Group Campaign sadly missed. appointed by the Estates Section Diary. I.Namibia Independence: Soc. Parliamentary Lobby 3-6pm Wed 12 Old Nick into vice. to install the system went PERSONAL Dec 1984. 2. African National GTC 1 — SMS 1. bankrupt before they'd finished Congress New Years Eve Dance. The legend of Mike Molloy lines on ! Porchester Hall Bayswater W2. Wot! no compact discs. Mike Molloy the job! It has not yet been (Elec Eng 3 fame) wants one (well he's BMX's Christmas Party tonight at Monday 31 Dec 1984 8pm-1 am Tickets Wimbledon Common bring your Bike revealed whether or not the £4.00. got one, he want s another). Room for immed occupation. Single and Shoehorn. College paid them, but it is clear Industrial Society visit to Thorn EMI, room, up to £35 pw excl. in flat/house. Missing persons Contact T S there is no chance of recovering Edmonton 16 January 1985. If Phone Essential, ch, sh pref. I am Geology 1 or through the rack. How interested, please send £2 deposit gregarious, sporting, mobile(own car), about turning up to a lecture, Risotto! the considerable costs involved in cheque to W Chan (ME2) Payable to modest and homeless as of 12.12.84. Gutman —You are getting theGitTie ironing out the problems from INDSOC). Phone me tonight Chris G 603 1241 or at the Next UGM. the now demised company. Two great events on Thursday The Chem UG P/H. Two sips: Geology 1, Hows the Possibly a shake-up in the old Physics Sherry and Mince pies Party First assent West face of County Hall Streaking Going? plus, The joint Maths and Physics RB Diff solo, and I didn't lob second boy network by which Estates are Christmas Party. Don't miss 'em. assent Coventry ploy. said to invite tenders for such Tickets from Soc Reps/Dep Rep. One cuddly, extra flatmate (answers SERVICING & REPAIRS If you have lost a stero cassette-radio contracts is in order after this to Ralph). Free to a good home. at or some 'Walkman' equipment please Contact Flat 10, 81 Lexham Gardens. latest debacle. come and see the Deputy President Bernard Sunley 8 Mining 3 diggers who will return them to you. get buried by Bernard Sunley Marcus Garden Hall Trunk Room. Anyone (I can't play football) scores four who is not resident in Garden Hall and RICKY'S EXTRAORDINARY meeting horatio rules supreme. who has stored anything in the trunk Proon — beware the impli-CATE- GARAGE of the College BIOTECH- room is requested to claim their NOLOGY SOCIETY belongings by the end of term. ions of small ads. Anything not claimed will be disposed Ho Ho Ho! Father Christmas in the FRIDAY 14 DECEMBER, SCR Thursday. (Personal service guaranteed.) of. 1.00pm, ROOM 702, BIO- Jon a well built Finn, the nature I* QUEENS GATE PLACE MEWS, CHEMISTRY BUILDING. LOST reserve? Happy days! Fixed card-pack cash reward contact Angelaaa I hate you. The Mousaka SOUTH KENSINGTON, EVERYONE WELCOME. Maths 1. Man. LONDON S.W.7 More info: Jeremy Green, A pair of silver rimmed glasses in Wouldn't it be nice if a cycling device Tel : 01-SSI I5H Biotech PG, 217 Biochem, black case. Please contact J Bradley were to in on you Simon's trendy free building Tel 4142. Physics 1 via physics letter racks. wheel extractor! FELIX 20 Wednesday 12 December 1984