Easy toLove

Is there room in your heart and your home for a waiting child? Many of our waiting children have minor or correctible medical conditions, are older or in sibling groups, and they need loving, adoptive families. See children who need families today by visiting the Waiting Child section of the Holt International website www.holtinternational.org/waitingchild/photolisting

finding families for children Dear Readers Christina* greeted me a few years ago at the home of her foster family in Romania. She was 12 years old, with dark eyes, and dark hair pulled back into a Summer 2006 vol. 48 no. 3 holt international children’s services ponytail that framed her pretty face. I was surprised by how normal and healthy P.O. Box 2880 (1195 City View) Eugene, OR 97402 she looked. Ph: 541/687.2202 Fax: 541/683.6175 our mission I expected her to look, well… sick. After all, Christina was HIV-positive. Instead I Holt International is dedicated to carrying out God’s plan for every child to have a permanent, loving family. found a girl on the cusp of adolescence who wore the unadorned, fresh beauty of In 1955 Harry and Bertha Holt responded to the conviction that youth. God had called them to help children left homeless by the Korean War. Though it took an act of the U.S. Congress, the Holts adopt- “So this is the face of AIDS,” I marveled. ed eight of those children. But they were moved by the desperate plight of other orphaned children in Korea and other countries In this issue of Holt International magazine, we feature a look at the range of as well, so they founded Holt International Children’s Services in order to unite homeless children with families who would love work Holt is doing around the world for children affected by HIV/AIDS. HIV now them as their own. Today Holt International serves children and families in Bulgaria, Cambodia, China, Ecuador, Guatemala, Haiti, afflicts an expanding circle of innocent victims. Christina had received a vacci- India, Korea, Mongolia, the Philippines, Romania, Thailand, the nation with a reused syringe. United States, Uganda, Ukraine and Vietnam. AIDS devastates lives indirectly as well. Most of the children Holt serves in president & ceo Gary N. Gamer Uganda wear the title “AIDS orphans.” vice-president of programs & services Carole Stiles vice-president of marketing & development Phillip A. Littleton With some urging Christina talked about her dreams and hopes. They weren’t vice-president of public policy & advocacy Susan Soon-keum Cox huge goals by the world’s standards. Mostly she looked forward to a regular sort vice-president of finance & administration Kevin Sweeney of life—a family, children of her own. And she hoped to be reunited with her board of directors chair James D. Barfoot vice-chair Julia K. Banta president emeritus sister. By an ironic twist of bureaucratic fate, her sister who was not HIV-positive Dr. David H. Kim secretary Claire A. Noland members Andrew R. Bailey, Rebecca C. Brandt, Kim S. Brown, Wilma R. Cheney, Clinton had to stay in the government orphanage when Christina was released into Holt’s C. Cottrell, Will C. Dantzler, Cynthia G. Davis, A. Paul Disdier, care. Christina, because of her medical condition, was no longer allowed at the Rosser B. Edwards, Jeffrey B. Saddington, Shirley M. Stewart, Love Steven Stirling orphanage. holt international magazine is published bimonthly by Holt International Children’s Services, Inc., a nonprofit Christian child We reach out to children like Christina because they deserve more, and they welfare organization. While Holt International is responsible for the content of Holt International magazine, the viewpoints expressed in deserve a chance to make their dreams real. this publication are not necessarily those of the organization. * not her real name —John Aeby, Editor editor John Aeby managing editor Alice Evans assistant Sara Moss subscription orders/inquiries and address changes Send all editorial correspondence and changes of address to Holt International magazine, Holt International, P.O. Box 2880, Eugene, contents OR 97402. We ask for an annual donation of $20 to cover the cost of publication and mailing inside the United States and $40 outside the United States. Holt welcomes the contribution of let- child survival ters and articles for publication, but assumes no responsibility for Child Survival in a Time of AIDS 6 return of letters, manuscripts, or photos. reprint information Holt faces the challenge of helping children Permission from Holt International is required prior to reprinting any survive the AIDS pandemic. portion of Holt International magazine. Please direct reprint requests to editor John Aeby at 541/687.2202 or [email protected].

arkansas office adopting 5016 Western Hills Ave., Little Rock, AR 72204 How to Prepare for a New Arrival 22 Ph/Fax: 501/568.2827 california office Plan ahead to help your children 3807 Pasadena Ave., Suite 115, Sacramento, CA 95821 adjust to a new adoption. Ph: 916/487.4658 Fax: 916/487.7068 midwest office serving iowa, nebraska and south dakota Cover: Helene Regier, born in China, 10685 Bedford Ave., Suite 300, Omaha, NE 68134 adoptees today is the daughter of Don and Jan Ph: 402/934.5031 Fax: 402/934.5034 A Time for Forgiveness 28 Regier. Story page 16 missouri office/kansas office 203 Huntington Rd., Kansas City, MO 64113 A woman forgives the parents who Ph: 816/822.2169 Fax: 816/523.8379 long ago relinquished her. 122 W. 5th St., Garnett, KS 66032 [email protected]

oregon office departments Capitol Plaza 9320 SW Barbur Blvd., Suite 220, Portland, OR 97219 Update 4 Ph: 503/244.2440 Fax: 503/245.2498 new jersey office 340 Scotch Rd. (2nd Floor), Trenton, NJ 08628 Annual Report 10 Ph: 609/882.4972 Fax: 609/883.2398 Around the Globe 12 Copyright ©2006 by Holt International Children’s Services, Inc. Easy to Love 14 ISSN 1047-7640 From the Family 16 ACCREDITED BY

Calendar 30 COUNCIL ON ACCREDITATION Family Tree 31

www.holtinternational.org 3 update

First Lady to Chair Conference nominees. For a look at their concert schedule and more infor- mation about the group, go to: www.thecrabbfamily.com. First Lady Laura Bush is Honorary Chair of Holt International’s 50th Anniversary Conference, to be held October 18–21 in Eugene, Oregon. “Looking Forward: A Global Response for Adoptee Graduate Photos Homeless Children” will bring together international leaders, Deadline for photos of high school and college graduates is children’s advocates and professionals from around the world July 1. Please e-mail digital images (set your camera at 3 mega- to share their expertise. pixels or higher) to [email protected] or mail wallet- A panel of international sized or larger photographic prints to Graduate Photos, Holt adult adoptees spanning International, P.O. Box 2880, Eugene, OR 97402. Please do not five decades and three send inkjet or digital prints. Short stories from families about generations will present their graduate are also welcome. on the final day. An International Conference For more information, go to: www.holtinternational.org/conference Calendar Photos Your adopted child could be a Holt star! Deadline for calendar COA Accreditation photos is July 15. Please e-mail digital images (set your cam- The Council on Accreditation (COA) renewed accreditation era at 3 megapixels or higher) to [email protected] for Holt International in March. Private accreditation provides or mail glossy prints 4 x 6 to 11 x 14 to Calendar Photos, Holt assurance that organizations meet recognized industry stan- International, P.O. Box 2880, Eugene, OR 97402. We cannot use dards. Mildred Silvie, Director of the Accreditation Commission, studio photographs or inkjet or digital prints. noted: “COA’s program of quality improvement is designed to identify providers that have set high performance standards for themselves and have made a commitment to their constituents Letters & Stories to deliver the very best quality services. COA is proud to recog- For E-News, Holt International magazine, Bridge of Love and nize [Holt] as one of these outstanding providers.” An interna- China Moon newsletter, we welcome letters and stories from tional and independent nonprofit organization, COA examines adoptees and their families about their experiences with adop- private, nonprofit and for-profit organizations as well as public tion. We also welcome letters and stories from sponsors about agencies. the significance and commitment of sponsorship. Query: Managing Editor Alice Evans at [email protected]. Crabb Family Christian recording artists the Crabb Family now represent Next Issue the Holt International Sponsorship Program at their concerts. A combined Fall/Winter edition of Holt International magazine Sponsorships help support homeless and at-risk children until will be mailed in early November. their placement in permanent families. The five siblings from rural Kentucky are the winners of four Dove Awards in 2005 for their Southern gospel music; they are also three-time Grammy In Memory Robin Robieson Vondette, adopted from Korea in 1964 by Clarance and Ruth Robieson of Los Alamitos, Calif., and beloved wife for 27 years of Scott Vondette, Sparta, N.J., passed away on February 10.

Marlyss Ritter, beloved wife of Harry Ritter and mother of Aaron and Sarah Ritter, passed away January 24 in Davenport, Iowa. Born in 1952 in Korea, she was adopted by Fredrick and Beverly Winn.

Nicholas Ryan Hanson, 24, a senior at Southern Oregon University, died at a hospital in Medford, Oregon, on January 22. A two-time All-American track and field star, he was adopt- ed from Brazil at age 8 and is survived by his parents, Ron and Joni Hanson of Bend, Oregon, and three siblings. ■

4 Summer 2006 Remember the children left behind

By Gary N. Gamer, President and CEO

Fifty years ago at about this time of year, Harry Holt returned to Korea. He first went there to adopt eight children—to remove them Ffrom orphanages and bring them into his own family. But once home he could not forget the faces of the children left behind. Little could he have known then that, 50 years later, not leaving children behind has become a hallmark of the organization he founded with his wife Bertha. Today, I often hear that U.S. families adopt through Holt International precisely because of our tradition of not leaving children behind. The vast majority of children served and sup- In April, Holt President and CEO Gary Gamer visited a family in China being helped by ported by Holt International are children who will remain in Holt. After her husband died of AIDS, the mother was unable to continue her sons’ edu- cation when school fees grew too high, but the boys are now back in school and achiev- the countries of their birth. ing well. “My life has been difficult,” she told Mr. Gamer. ”I am investing everything I U.S. families who adopt internationally know the child they have for my sons so that they can have a good future.” are adopting has gone through an ethical process leading to develop model foster care, domestic adoption and family pres- their adoption and that intercountry adoption was the best ervation services with assistance from the U.S. and Ukrainian option for their child. And they are comforted that Holt pro- governments. vides support to so many other children who are not placed To give you a sense of proportionality, in 2005 Holt internationally, through services such as domestic adoption International and our partners assisted nearly 48,000 children. and working to prevent separation of children from their birth About 900 were placed in U.S. adoptive families with many families when in the child’s best interest. more children realizing permanent loving families in the Not leaving children requires commitment and perseverance country of their birth. Those who do adopt through Holt are over time. Looking back over the history of Holt, we see that assisted by staff and Holt partner agencies around the world the global environment in which Holt works is often volatile. that are second to none in their service to families and com- Often it is the children who suffer the most. Political pressures mitment to children. and unfortunate practices have led to slowdowns or closure With the global crisis of children in need of families, Holt’s of intercountry adoption programs. Recent examples include commitment to helping children is every bit as urgent today as Cambodia, Romania, Ukraine and Vietnam, but in these coun- it was 50 years ago when Mr. Holt first led the way. tries, Holt has continued finding families for children, striving to leave none behind. This issue of Holt International focuses on the greatest sin- gle cause of children losing parents today, the AIDS pandemic During the three years the U.S. and Vietnamese govern- and Holt’s response to this crisis. This is but one significant ments took to come to an agreement and resume intercountry example of how Holt has innovated and supported programs adoption services, Holt was one of the few agencies that con- that respond to a changing world over the last five decades. tinued providing services to children. Romania remains one None of this would be possible were it not for our partners of the most dynamic programs in our network where over in this mission: adoptive families, donors (including a grow- 800 children a year are prevented from being institutionalized ing number of child sponsors who are joining us with the at a time when adoption has been significantly curtailed by creed that a child has a right to a family), and our colleagues authorities. around the world. Our partners are motivated by the same In Cambodia, a country also closed to adoption for U.S. deep faith and commitment to children as our founders had citizens, we are gearing up to help children in other ways some 50 years ago. consistent with the creed first enunciated by Harry Holt that On behalf of Holt International… and the children we serve, every child deserves a home. I thank you for understanding the immense potential of every And as Ukraine is restructuring their adoption regime due to child. You help us ensure that children are not left behind and dramatic political changes, in 2005 Holt laid the groundwork to outside of the love and belonging of a family. ■

www.holtinternational.org 5 Child Survival in a Time of AIDS In China, Uganda, Thailand and Eastern Europe, Holt faces difficult challenges in helping children survive the AIDS pandemic.

by Alice Evans— She stands in front of a rickety gate, her colorful After she became ill, she had to leave school. Managing Editor clothes looking too big on her small body, her expres- Singing for others is now a rare pleasure for this child based on reports by sion unreadable. Rosy cheeks belie her condition. who loves to sing. Before the social workers leave, Holt staff in Eugene they ask Le Le if she will sing for them. The court- The social workers say she is a child who loves to and abroad yard resounds with her enthusiasm. “The country sing. As she watches them approach she runs toward S is a big garden, and we are all little flowers in that them, shouting gaily, “Aunty Qi,” so pleased to see garden. The sun shines on all of us.” again the woman who visits regularly, the woman who isn’t afraid to hold her hand and walk with The simple faith of a child’s naïve hope cuts like a her through the middle of the village where others knife through the hearts of the visiting social workers. often shun her. The social worker she recognizes, The help they bring will allow Le Le to stay with her *Editor‘s Note: Names Aunty Qi, is a staff person from the County Office relative and will provide some basic needs, including of all children have for Monitoring Epidemic Diseases. With her is Bi nutritious food and school fees. The little girl who been changed to Jian Jun, Program Director for Holt China Children’s loves to sing will be able to sing with her school- protect their privacy Services, Holt International’s sister agency in China. mates again. But can she survive AIDS? Like many other children in this region of China, 8-year-old Le Le* has lost a parent to AIDS, in this A New Agreement in China case her mother, casualty of a blood supply first con- Le Le is one of several hundred children affected by taminated in the late 1980s. Her father, who also has HIV/AIDS in Shanxi Province for whom Holt pro- AIDS, lives apart from her with a twin brother who is vides simple stipends. Such stipends allow children free of the disease thus far. Le Le, who is not, lives to attend school, and to stay with a parent or other relative who is too poor otherwise to continue tak- with a relative. ing care of a child. In November, Holt signed an After her mother died, Le Le was tested and found agreement with representatives of local government to be HIV-positive. She, too, has since developed in central China to cooperate on programs to assist AIDS, which can happen quickly in a child whose these vulnerable children. nutrition is poor and where antiretroviral (ARV) drugs Holt CEO Gary Gamer described the work with are not yet readily available for children. Chinese government officials as a “notable partner- Le Le, so full of life, is also full of death. ship.” Although the program in China is really in

6 Summer 2006 Child Survival ”The country is a big garden and we are all little flowers in in a Time of that garden. The sun shines on all of us.“

Opposite page: Eight-year-old Le Le stands AIDS before the gate of her home. Left: Le Le holds hands with government worker Aunty Qi as they walk through the village. They are accompanied by Bi Jian Jun, Program Director for Holt China Children’s Services, and another government worker.

its infancy, he said, Holt can draw upon Later, when the social workers returned blood transfusions. Tens of thousands of its experience in Thailand, Romania and with the money, the father was home with institutionalized children were particularly Uganda helping children affected by AIDS Dong Dong’s younger brother. The broth- vulnerable; the practice was perpetrated to improve the quality of life for children er, who contracted AIDS from his mother upon the general child population as well. similarly affected in China. as a newborn, was limp and weak from the A contaminated blood supply and the medical treatment he had just received. In addition to providing stipends, Holt is reuse of needles caused several thousand involved in making an inventory of people The basic treatment is free, but his father children to be infected by HIV. Long after who need services, with an eye toward does not have money to cover bus fare the fall of the dictatorship, these children training personnel and recruiting volun- to the hospital. Staff members from the are still learning to cope with their disease, teers to provide the kind of comprehensive County Office for Monitoring Epidemic many with the help of the Close to You services already being offered in our HIV/ Diseases had chipped in their own money Foundation (CTY), one of two Holt-found- AIDS programs in other countries. to cover all his transportation fees. ed sister agencies in Romania. USAID pro- vided initial funding for this work. In cases where family preservation is HIV/AIDS carries a significant stigma in not possible, community-based foster care China, as it does in most countries, includ- When social workers are unable to keep will provide a stable living environment for ing the U.S. But in small rural villages in infected children in birth families, reunite the children. This pilot project will form China, the stigma can be particularly harsh. them with birth parents or relatives or find a basis for care provision of HIV/AIDS- When someone is identified as having permanent adoptive families, they place affected children that can be replicated the disease, their families are sometimes them with well-trained foster parents. throughout China. unable to earn a living by selling anything Jenna* came to the attention of CTY they produce. They sometimes are barred when she was 13 years old. She had been from communal resources such as water Dong Dong hospitalized at age 2, after her parents supplies. When a father dies of AIDS, the Dong Dong* was on his way to school when found out she was HIV-positive. One of family is left without financial resources. the group of social workers approached. many children whose parents were unable He was clutching an apple. As the work- Dong Dong is fortunate. His father is to cope with this dificult challenge, little ers grew closer, they could see that he still alive. And as more people are affected Jenna lived out her young life in an institu- was also holding a small piece of steamed by the disease, China itself is changing. tionalized setting with other children who bread, a typical daily meal for many people Shunning is less common. ARV therapy is were likewise infected by HIV. Although in China. more readily available. overtaxed medical personnel often have When Dong Dong encountered the little time to spend with these all but social workers, he led them to the clean forgotten children, some are dedicated to but simple dwelling where he lives with his Romania nurturing them. father, grandmother and little brother. The Holt has been in this battle for a long time CTY helped Jenna emerge from the insti- family spent every penny they had trying to now. In every country, the stories contain tution by finding her a professional foster save his mother’s life, but she died anyway, similar elements. A contaminated blood family. “I needed someone to be close to 3½ years earlier. supply. Parents who are HIV-positive or me when I felt sick,” Jenna says, “but there already dead from AIDS. Children who are Dong Dong’s grandmother answered the was nobody there… Now I am happy that I suffering from mistakes made by adults. door. When she learned that the social have two parents who take care of me and But in Romania, the story has a twist. workers had arrived to provide financial who love me very much. I haven’t heard support for Dong Dong so that he can During the 1980s, a mad minister of from my mother and I know nothing of my continue his schooling and have enough to government believed he could strengthen father, but I am optimistic and I think God eat, she cried. the health of Romania’s children by way of will help me in life.”

www.holtinternational.org 7 Her social worker reports that Jenna is well taken care of in this family and has made amazing progress since her placement. “She has more confidence in herself, she is more responsible, and she learned how to do shopping and to prepare food,” the social worker says. Education, advocacy, volunteer counsel- ing and testing are among the services delivered by Holt’s partner agency. CTY is widely recognized for its expertise and is called upon often to train staff in programs both inside and outside Romania. Ten years of effort have been so effective that Holt’s work in Romania serves as a model in other eastern European nations, most notably Russia and the Ukraine.

With one or more parents father died of AIDS and their mother committed suffering from HIV/AIDS Ukraine suicide when she learned that she had HIV. The complications, or already children tested negative. HSF provided educational Funded by USAID, Holt is engaged in a three-year dead, children are often sponsorship for the girls, and they helped the grand- program in the Ukraine to help train workers in local left to fend for them- mother buy supplies for her mattress-making business communities to prevent and alleviate the affect of selves on the streets. AFC so that she could make mattresses to have on hand to HIV/AIDS on children. Through grants to various organizes neighborhood sell, rather than having to make one, sell it, and then organizations, Holt is finding ways to help children groups, which include chil- buy more materials to make another. face the stigma and discrimination associated with dren often related to one the disease; providing services to support families For children who can’t stay with extended family, another or being cared for with HIV-positive children in order to prevent aban- HSF created HIV Foster Care Services. HSF recruited by an older relative. donment; and advocating foster care and family-type their most experienced foster parents, held trainings homes to care for children who are without families. and provided information and support. HSF has con- tinued to increase the number of foster families for Holt’s Families for Children Project (FCP) is on track children born to HIV-positive parents. to place 23 children born to HIV-infected women into the Holt Sponsorship Program by June, and ultimately into trained foster families or family-type homes by the end of summer. All the children are HIV-positive Uganda and receive ARV therapy. Nowhere on earth has the AIDS pandemic been more merciless than in sub-Saharan Africa. In Uganda, one of the least developed countries in the world, the Thailand social safety net provided by the traditional family structure at the village level is so weakened that chil- When the HIV crisis hit Thailand some 10 years ago, dren are often left without primary caregivers, or with Holt Sahathai Foundation (HSF), our partner agency, elderly caregivers who have limited ability to care for prioritized providing assistance to families and chil- them because they are sick and destitute. dren affected by HIV. At that time, some other agencies and government bodies wanted to separate After decades of civil war and because of the children from families by placing them in centers for effects of HIV/AIDS, about half the entire population children with HIV. But HSF provided leadership by of Uganda is under the age of 15. integrating children into regular family care, trying to All too often anymore, it is children taking care of keep a child with extended family if possible by offer- children. Uganda has an orphan population of more ing various subsidies. than 2 million, nearly half of whom lost their parents In one village, sisters who are two and three years as a result of HIV/AIDS. But children orphaned or old were able to go on living with their paternal made vulnerable by HIV/AIDS have a guardian angel grandparents because of HSF support. The girls’ in the form of Action for Children (AFC). Led by

8 Summer 2006 The AFC mission: rescue children from immediate danger and give them an opportunity to develop a purposeful future.

Middle and right: What is true in Uganda is true all over the world—all too often, children must bear the consequences of decisions made by adults. These children are lucky. Their mother is alive, and they are part of a family group being helped by Holt through Action for Children. Bottom: In Romania, many children were infected by HIV through a contami- nated blood supply. Holt works through the Close to You Foundation to provide foster care, counseling and other services for HIV-positive teenagers and children. chairperson Jolly Nyeko and director Lydia Nyesigomwe, AFC partners with Holt and other agencies to provide a well-integrated range of ser- vices to help children and their struggling families. Two such children are teenaged siblings Sarah* and Ezekiel*, who lived alone in a windowless hut built by their mother. When their mother died they had no money for food and had to stop attending school because they could not pay fees. Their grandfather came from some distance away only when he had food for them. If one or both of them fell ill, it was up to a neighbor to offer them care. AFC worked with the children’s grandfather and neighbors to improve their living situation, making repairs to their house and adding window shutters for better security. AFC found an uncle to stay with them and help see to their needs. Sarah and Ezekiel were able to return to school. As there is currently no intercountry adoption in Uganda, fulfilling our mission translates to helping orphaned children and youth reach stability and commitment to staying together within a family or commu- Anton* was sad the day a psy- nity. All of AFC’s work contains a community and group component. chologist from Romania’s Close Programs encourage local initiative and promote independence. Staff to You Foundation visited him identify and train local leaders and volunteers to address vital needs at the Infectious Diseases Clinic. such as shelter repair, sanitation projects; medical care; building practi- He wanted to go home. CTY cal skills such as animal care, gardening and other income-generating began counseling his mother to tell her son about his illness, but activities; financial support for education; and pairing adult mentors she was unable to do so. When with child-headed households. Holt is helping over 400 households Anton returned home, the psy- caring for AIDS orphans and is committed to increasing that number in chologist counseled him on how each of the next three years. to deal with the medication, social aspects and other chal- HIV/AIDS Belongs to All of Us Now lenges of HIV. He now attends a No longer can we say we are above it, beyond it, unaffected by it. support group for other HIV-posi- Whether or not anyone in our personal families has battled HIV or tive teenagers and was able to go died from it, our human family is struggling to survive it. Children in back to school. Holt-supported impoverished situations carry a disproportionate burden of the disease CTY continues to help Anton. that our world refuses to face fully. Let us face this together. Le Le, the little girl from China who loves to sing, is right. “The sun shines on all of us.” ■

www.holtinternational.org 9 A Brief Report of 2005 Serving the World’s Children

Program Highlights for 2005—Children Served 47,942

Return to birth family—423 Remain with birth family—1,127 When a desperate moth- Domestic placements—804 er abandons her 7-year-old Other foreign placements—527 daughter at a train station in India, who will help the little Intercountry placements in U.S.—853 girl find a new home? When 2005 Permanent Placements—3,734 both parents die from AIDS, where does a 5-year-old boy in Uganda go for food? When a Filipino teenager finds her- self pregnant with no means to support her baby, where can she find counseling and foster care? These are the kinds of situa- tions that bring children under the global umbrella of Holt International. Jesus teaches in his Sermon on the Mount that rain falls on both the just and Total Children Served Children Placed with U.S. Adoptive Families the unjust. When rain falls on little children, Holt looks for Financial Brief—figures shown in millions ways to provide shelter, food and loving care. That’s where you come in. Expenses You are the committed peo- Revenue ple of good will who supply 8% not only financial support, but 9% 10% also the hearts and hands that open the umbrella. You bring your love and your resources 45% 25% 38% into the work that Holt carries 65% out, and you help us make inroads in addressing the glob- Expenses al crisis of children outside of family care. International programs—$8.5 All children deserve to be AdoptiveExpenses Family Services—$7.1 Adoption Fees—$12.6 loved and to live in families Revenue who will nurture and cherish Management & General—$1.7 Contributions—$4.9 them. You make it possible for Fundraising—$1.6 Other—$2.0 homeless children everywhere Total Expenses—$18.9 million RevenueTotal Revenue—$19.5 million to become precious sons and For a copy of Holt’s 2005 annual audited financial statement, please visit daughters of loving parents. www.holtinternational.org or call 541/687-2202.

10 Summer 2006 When a Child’s Life Hangs in the Balance Vulnerable children often face a critical moment when their survival will be determined by the choices we make. Christian was abandoned at a clinic in the cherished sons and daughters of proud Holt has committed more than $2.25 an isolated village on the Philippine island parents. million to our child survival programs of Mindanao. Born two months premature, around the world. For example, when To help children during the critical first he weighed barely 2½ pounds. Nurses a child first comes into care, the costs weeks and months after they come into notified the area social worker, and word can run as much as $100 per month per Holt’s care, we have launched a fundraising passed quickly to Rose, a social worker child in the Philippines, exceed $125 per campaign to support these vital ongoing with one of Holt’s associate programs. month in Romania, or cost $200 or more efforts around the world. in India. To contribute to Holt’s Child When she answered her cell phone at Survival Campaign, please visit Holt’s web- 2:45 a.m., Rose knew she couldn’t waste Holt’s Child Survival Campaign site and go to www.holtinternational.org/ a second. She woke the staff nurse and The following are components of Holt’s childsurvivalcampaign. immediately they drove to the village, a ongoing efforts to ensure the survival of four-hour journey on narrow, rough roads. vulnerable children: Using a small cardboard box to help keep Christian Today After a week in intensive care, little Christian the tiny baby warm and alive, they brought • Rescue—immediate response and trans- began to take formula on his own, but he Christian to Madonna & Child Hospital in portation for children in crisis Cagayan de Oro City. Over eight hours had couldn’t digest artificial milk formula. Rose passed, and Baby Christian was hovering • Medical Screening—a first line of defense and other social workers searched for and between death and life when Rose brought for all children, including those who are found nursing mothers who could share him into the hospital emergency care. stable, but may face serious illness, some of their milk. Christian spent over medical conditions or birth defects two months in the hospital, often depend- The vulnerable children Holt serves often ing on oxygen, IV’s and donated breast • Developmental Tracking—to make sure face a decisive moment when their very life milk. But by the third week, he began to children get the care they need to hangs in a balance. At those moments, our cry loudly, signaling his determination to develop without disability or delays staff and associates around the world can’t live. wait, but there is a reality they must face • Immunizations—for life-threatening and “We have witnessed how the Lord was eventually: Do we have the resources to disabling diseases still common in many holding Christian into His loving arms,” bring this child into care and to provide the countries where Holt works intensive care she will need to live? said Rose, “as we daily saw his gradual • Nutritional Supplements—because many improvement inside his incubator. Baby “Every child is a precious gift of God,” children come to us weak and malnour- Christian put us all together on our knees said David Kim, Holt’s President Emeritus. ished in prayer. We spent a lot of money, but we Helping vulnerable children to survive is have Christian now with us. We all call him • Extensive Medical Treatment and our first priority because we have often ‘Our Miracle Baby.’” seen weak, ill or malnourished children Surgery—to save a child’s life, prevent come back from the brink of death and disability and increase their opportunity At 11 months old Christian weighed 16 go on to live vibrant and productive lives, to be placed with a permanent family. pounds and was starting to walk and talk. You could see hardly any trace of the baby who almost died. Christian waves his little hands to passersby and smiles in response when someone calls his name. “Isn’t the Lord good in sending Christian to us?” said Rose. “And for making us instruments in saving his life?” —by John Aeby, Editor

Near left: Christian arrived into Holt care as a premature infant abandoned at a primi- tive medical facility in the Philippines. Holt mobilized to action to evacuate this fragile newborn to a hospital equipped to care for him. Far left: Today, Christian is a beautful, healthy toddler.

www.holtinternational.org 11 Globe Nepal UNICEF invited Holt to Nepal to assess family preservation pro- grams there and possibly develop a model foster care program. In the past four years, the number of childcare centers in Nepal has nearly tripled, from 150 to 400. India In late April, India’s Central Adoption Authority released their long-awaited new guidelines for intercountry adoption. As expected, Non-Resident Indians (NRIs) are now more on par with domestic adoptive families. To qualify for this status, at least one NRI must hold an Indian passport. Holt is now reviewing all cases to assess specific impact on a case-by-case basis. Parent travel is now required. Two Ugandan boys work attentively on a mural for AIDS orphans. The project was Holt’s partner agency in Bangalore broke ground on a new sponsored by Action for Children with the help of Holt International. headquarters in early April. Vathsalya Charitable Trust (VCT) has used only rented facilities to date. Dean Hale, Director of Holt’s India Program, was on hand to unveil the cornerstone, and other Uganda participants included children, staff, trustees, the architect and Several Holt donors and members of Holt’s Board of Directors volunteers. traveled to Uganda in January with Rose Freshwater, Holt The new building will house all VCT operations, offices, an Director of Development, to see donors’ support in action at unwed parent center and a childcare center. Mary Paul, Director our partner agency, Action for Children (AFC). The Holt travel of VCT, reports that plans to build took root in the mid-1990s and group donated their time and funding toward constructing the were drawn up based on ideas and suggestions from all their trust- foundation of a sorely needed four-room home for an elderly ees. The new building is to be located within about a kilometer grandmother who cares for 20 children and grandchildren of the old location and close to foster care homes. Projected date affected by HIV/AIDS. The group replaced a roof for another of completion: December 2006 to February 2007. Funds raised family, assisted more than 100 AIDS orphans in creating a from generous donors, including special appeals at Holt’s Color mural for the local community center, and painted the interior of Hope benefits held last year throughout the United States, will offices at AFC’s headquarters in Kampala. help provide improved services for children at the orphanage. The team traveled into northern and western Uganda to visit family preservation cases, where they met many hundreds of chil- dren involved in youth activities in supported projects and Internal Displaced Persons camps. United States So far this year, 12 children in Holt’s Waiting Child Program have qualified for grants from Brittany’s Hope to help pay adoption fees. The only “repayment” required from the adoptive family is a volun- teer project promoting international adoption. To learn more about waiting children, go to www.holtinternational.org/waitingchild. Vietnam Holt is now adoption licensed and working in four provinces: Binh Duong, Dong Nai, Danang and Hanoi. After years of stale- mate in the U.S.–Vietnam adoption process, children are now being assigned and will soon be coming home to their permanent families. A girl in care at VCT breaks ground on the new headquarters in Bangalore, India..

12 Summer 2006 Family Preservation Your sponsorships and dona- tions for Holt’s programs around the globe always carry a human face. Holt works to keep children in their birth families whenever possible, as with this youngster at risk of abandonment in Romania. This story is based on his social worker’s report. Ricky and his family of six live News from Ilsan: Molly Holt tosses the first jump ball to open the National Holt at the outskirts of a city in the middle of a field where Wheelchair Basketball games.. the city dump is located. His parents are unemployed and illiterate, and their only daily job is to help unload Korea the garbage truck. On April 28, Holt Children’s Services (HCS) of Korea held a special Because the family lacked identity papers for the moth- memorial service for Harry Holt, founder of Holt International, at er and children, they did not have legal rights. Holt his gravesite in Ilsan in remembrance of the anniversary of his Romania Foundation social workers helped the mother death. Holt continues to be revered by the Korean people for his dedication in finding loving families for children. The heading get an identity document and then started the registra- on the announcement reads in bold text: “Harry Holt” Grandfather tion process for three children who had no birth certifi- 42nd Anniversary Memorial Service. cates, which is done in court and requires many legal Also in April, the Holt Ilsan Center hosted the 12th Annual National documents. Holt Wheelchair Basketball Games. Thirteen teams from as far away as Jeju Island competed for the Goyang City Cup. Molly The HRF social worker built a relationship with Ricky Holt, HCS Board Chairperson and Harry and Bertha Holt’s daugh- and his family based on trust and honesty. She brought ter, threw the first jump ball to open the games. them into HRF’s warm circle of care, provided educa- tion; counseling and information on child upbringing; Thailand and donations of diapers, medicines, toys and clothes. The social work associations of two major universities recently When the case was opened in March 2005, all fac- appointed Malee Chatkanpei the Social Worker of the Year 2005. tors of risk of abandonment were present. Now all risk Malee is Director of the Foster Home Program for Holt Sahathai factors are diminished. Both parents are dedicated to Foundation (HSF), our sister agency in Thailand. Her expertise in foster care and her contribution to government and non-govern- raising their children and make all efforts to offer them ment organizations for the development of foster care were the a better life. The family hopes that in a few years they main outstanding work recognized by the award committee. HSF will have a home of their own, where they can raise will celebrate its 30th anniversary in July. their children in decent conditions.

Haiti are interested in improving dental care of HIV-positive children In May, Rotary International announced a 4-year $250,000 grant to in Iasi and Constanta. The first departure of doctors from the Holt for family preservation services in the Montrouis area of Haiti. United States to Romania is scheduled for July. Holt has now found families for 18 of the 21 children in care at Holt Fontana Village. Ukraine Holt’s Families for Children Program (FCP) in Kiev is recruiting Bulgaria foster families as part of an action plan to place 23 abandoned Holt has its first assignment in three years. A New Jersey family children born to HIV-infected women in foster or family-type officially accepted the referral of a 2-year-old girl with minor homes. All the children receive antiretroviral therapy. Training special needs. of potential foster parents will take place in June, with certifica- tion to come the end of June. All 23 children will be supported Romania by the Holt Sponsorship Program. The Close to You Foundation (CTY), one of two Holt sister agencies in Romania, sponsored a debate for Iasi authorities Kazakhstan to bring attention to the plight of HIV-affected youth, held a Holt is working toward opening a program in Kazakhstan and teacher training to promote integration of HIV-positive children has received its first adoption application, from a family open to into society, and hosted a group of doctors from Chicago who unknowns and aware that they will be pioneers. ■

www.holtinternational.org 13 Forrest

Suraj Born in India, September 22, 2002 Suraj is a helpful boy who loves attention and enjoys playing with other children. He had surgery for cleft lip, Suraj palate and hypospadias. Suraj is active and can speak at least 10 words. His adoption fee has been reduced, and he has a $6550 grant from Brittany’s Hope. Forrest Born in China, August 6, 2004 children Forrest could stand with support at 13 months and is an active boy who can imitate words and respond to instruc- tions from his caregivers. Born with cleft lip and palate, with special needs are… he is an excellent eater. He came into care at about 1 week old and was frail, but has improved under his caretaker’s care. Mason Born in China, January 23, 2002 Mason lives with a foster family, and his physical and cognitive development is said to be good. He is a sweet boy with a deformity of both ears and difficulty com- municating but is able to hear instructions from caretakers. In this section we introduce children who are waiting for adoptive families. They may be older, have medical conditions or be part of a sibling group. Each child is very special with much to offer the family William who accepts one as their own son or daughter. Born in China, January 26, 2004 The children shown here represent just a few of those who need William can walk, say a few parents. Because Holt’s website provides a more complete listing words and scribble. He had surgery for a mature teratoma of and can be updated daily, we ask you to view additional children at the sacrococcygeal region and www.holtinternational.org/waitingchild. has an inguinal hernia but is If you would like more information about a particular child, please otherwise in good health. He contact Carrie Palmer in our Waiting Child Program. She would be is close to his peers and care- happy to share more information with you. You can request a Waiting givers. Child Packet either by calling the Waiting Child Program at (541)687- Jin-hee 2202 or through our website. These descriptions of waiting children are based on information available to Holt from caregivers and medical personnel in the children’s country of origin. Holt cannot guarantee the accuracy of these descriptions or that the medical and psychological diagnoses of the children are cor- rect or complete.

Mason William Stuart 14 Summer 2006 Bi Oregon Waiting Child In Oregon many children in state foster care are waiting for adoptive homes. Agencies reduce Manna fees for the adop- tion of a child in state care, and Manna financial assistance Born in India, March 17, 2005 may be available. Manna can walk with support, say a few To learn more, call words and follow instructions. A cute little the Special Needs girl, she is well adjusted to her foster family Adoption Coalition and likes to be carried. Manna has several at The Boys and Blaine spots on her trunk, a high arched palate Girls Aid Society at and a few other medical concerns. (877) 932-2734 x 2392, or DHS at (800) 331- 0503. Also visit www.boysandgirlsaid.org and Stuart www.nwae.org for information and photos Born in SE Asia, February 14, 1998 Natalie Born in SE Asia, October 27, 1997 of waiting children. Singles and couples are A healthy, active boy with a sense of humor, encouraged to call. Stuart attends second grade and is said to Natalie does well in school and enjoys communicate well with both peers and adults. being with her peers. She is described as He is quick to respond to questions and the big sister in her care center and com- Devin, age 8 instructions, sometimes has a naughty attitude, forts other kids. She had surgery for cleft lip Devin loves camping, playing outside and rid- and is said to be on target for his age. and palate and has malrotation of midgut ing his scooter and can build amazing things but is otherwise in good health. She meets with Legos. His teachers describe him as curi- Jin-hee motor development skills for her age. ous and eager to learn. Born in Korea, August 10, 2005 Recent tests indicate that he is close to grade This cute baby girl smiles when her cheeks Greene sisters Born in Latin America, December 7, 1998; April level in reading and math and only one level are gently touched. Jin-hee had a difficult behind in written language. He has success- birth and was hospitalized for about two 19, 2000; June 12, 2004 months due to her medical conditions. She These sisters are full of energy and enjoy fully moved to a structured classroom in a has spastic diplegia and cerebral palsy, with playing with their peers. Marnie, the oldest, mainstream school from a specialized school. has good communication skills and is extro- some developmental delays. She is under the An engaging, affectionate boy who loves tender loving care of her foster family. verted. She was born with a clubfoot and a weak right hand. Julia, the middle, is said to give hugs, Devin is attached to his fos- to be on target for her age in her commu- ter parents and seeks them out for comfort. Blaine nication, social and motor skills. Paige, the Outgoing and friendly, he gets along well Born in NE Asia, September 10, 2002 youngest, also had clubfoot but has under- with peers and is respectful and appreciative. Blaine has cerebral palsy and developmental gone surgery. She can walk, bend down to delays but can crawl very fast and stand with pick up toys, and tries to kick a ball. She Devin came into foster care in early 2002 support. He is described as having a gentle has some language and social delays. and maintains a close relationship with his character. He knows his name, can say a few grandfather and his maternal aunt. His social words and has good eye contact. Navnath worker is looking for a nurturing, patient Born in India, January 15, 1999 couple willing to advocate for services to help Bi Navnath is an imaginative, intelligent and Devin continue making good progress educa- Born in Vietnam, September 12, 2000 soft-hearted child who likes to make other tionally and emotionally. Devin would benefit Bi is helpful and affectionate, close to his people laugh. He takes medication for foster brother, attached to his foster family, from a family with emotionally healthy and absence epilepsy and has been seizure free socially adept older children that he can look and gets along well with his peers. A healthy for almost four years. His adoption fee has boy said to be on target developmentally, Bi to as role models. Devin will be a wonderful been reduced, and he has a $6550 grant addition to the right family. effectively shares his needs and wants and is available from Brittany’s Hope. attending kindergarten.

See more children at www.holtinternational.org/waitingchild Greene sisters

Natalie

Navnath www.holtinternational.org 15 from the family

Whole Heart The outlook was not optimistic for a little girl from China with a heart condition, but an older couple had their hearts set on adopting her—and a series of miracles brought her new life.

By Don Regier— Our hearts ached for Fu En. She had shoulder and fell asleep. She knew Dallas, Texas been a candidate for adoption, but her something momentous was about to papers had been returned to Beijing. happen. I sensed her telling me, She might spend the rest of her gray “Daddy, I’m afraid, but I’m going to trust Above: Helene in the bloom existence in the orphanage, and finally, you because I know you love me.” of spring. Top right: on the street. Helene in the hospital after We arrived at Children’s Medical surgery. Right: Helene with Fu En needed a home, a family, and Center in Dallas early in the morn- her mom in the ICU after surgery for a ventricular septal defect. ing on April Fool’s Day. Dr. Nikaido surgery. Bottom right: She was 2 years old, and the operation sutured one hole, put a Dacron patch Helene and her traveling should have been performed in infancy over another, and carved away the companions step out into to prevent lung damage. Already in our muscle build-up that had actually con- the world beyond China. mid-50s, my wife and I weren’t getting stricted the blood flow in what turned That's Casey Schultz on the any younger ourselves. out to be another miracle. Helene left and Lianne Auble in the would not need a lung transplant. Jan and I knew it was unconventional to target a middle. specific Chinese orphan, probably even a foolish fan- The words from a popular country song came to tasy, yet we had to try. Because China was reorga- mind. “A rose looks gray at midnight, but the flame nizing the adoption process at the time, all adoptions is just asleep,” sang Johnny Cash. When the doctor Don Regier is from China had ceased. Holt was honest with us. wheeled our child out of the operating room she the author of a The director even said, “Don’t count on it.” no longer appeared dull and pale. She was pink as Christian chil- a rose in the morning sun. Our foolish dream had When China finally approved Fu En’s adoption we dren’s book, The come true. Long Ride, which knew that we were witnessing a miracle. But when tells the story of it came time for us to travel, we were told that now As Helene’s English improved she commented adoption from a we couldn’t have her after all. There was a glitch on about her surgery: “I used to have a hole in my child’s point of the other side of the world—a technicality that made heart,” she said, “but now I have a whole heart.” view. Flip it over her adoption by anyone unlikely. Later, I overheard her singing, “With my whole heart, Lord, let me love you.” for the story of In all, it took 16 months of waiting, praying and adoption from Holt dedication—and a miracle from an unexpected A whole heart and a trusting, thankful heart. ■ an adult perspec- source. Finally we made that long trek to the far side tive. Published by of the world to rendezvous with our new daughter. Kregel Kidzone. In new suits and fresh haircuts, Fu En and her travel- ing companions resembled astronauts stepping out into life. Fu En, our Helene, was 3 years old by the time she came home. The next day we visited the cardiolo- gist. He suggested we delay the operation for a few months, until Helene could adjust to her new life. Jan always tucked our two girls into bed, but on the evening before surgery, Helene lay her head on my

16 Summer 2006 from the family

Chianna was doing her homework when she felt inspired to Happy Father’s Day! write a card to her dad, David Porter, then in Mongolia receiv- ing Michael, the newest member of the family. Left, To My Cool Dad! Chianna waits To a Dad who at the airport to greet her dad and would do something no her new brother. other Dad would do! And Far left, Dad and Michael arrive at that is going to the other side the airport. (David of the world to get someone and Delia Porter are the parents important to you! of three children adopted through by Chianna Porter Holt.)

An Orphanage in India When Mark and Karen Lassman-Eul took their daughters to dened Ujala during the tourist part of their trip. “India India in June 2005, they had an ambitious itinerary. Not showed me how spoiled America is,” she said. “We throw only would they see the sights like any good tourists, they away so much food and money, and we don’t even think would also volunteer at an orphanage, a tough assignment about it. All the things that we waste could be saving thou- for any American girl, let alone three of them. They head- sands of lives in India.” ed to Bharatiya Samaj Seva Kendra (BSSK) in Pune, the orphanage that once was home to Nisha, Dolly and Ujala. The family visited the orphanage every morning for about a Although the girls enjoyed riding elephants in Jaipur and week. For Ujala, the trip brought home the realization that touring the Taj Mahal near Agra, it was to the children in had she not been found at the train station, taken the orphanage they gave their hearts. to BSSK, and adopted, she might “still be living a hard life, without a family, in India.” After a day in Bombay they went to the train station to leave for Pune. “My sister Ujala and I were found aban- The trip motivated her to “give more things doned at a train station, and we saw people living there the to the orphanages, to keep sponsoring the way we had lived,” Dolly remembered. “In Pune we went children, which we’ve been doing, and to keep to the orphanage where I was raised and played with praying for all of the homeless children out the children every morning.... I there.” The girls went back to Missouri especially liked the baby floor, and raised $800 for BSSK through and I spent most of my time their church youth group. there.”

The vast numbers of people From left, sisters Nisha, 19; Dolly, 16; and who had no food or shelter Ujala, 14. Center: Their father, Mark, sits in a circle of children at the BSSK and others who were strug- orphanage. Right: Nisha holds a child gling to make a living sad- at BSSK, where she once lived.

www.holtinternational.org 17 from the family

Braiding a Strong Rope

By Kevin Wallace– Mary was a waiting child, almost four years old, when Tucson, Arizona she was adopted by a family with four older boys... Above: With a heart full of Our first steps toward adoption began on a summer the application process. Our first lesson was to learn courage and four brothers night in 2003 when my wife and I went for a walk. about a “waiting child,” a term used to describe to set an example, Mary had “Do you think we’re ever going to adopt?” I asked, orphaned or relinquished children who were older, in no qualms about learning to surprising myself. sibling groups, or mentally or physically challenged. ride a horse. Clare didn’t trip over the question because she’d The website had a section specifically dedicated to been thinking about adoption too. She had the same waiting children. It was subcategorized by region Oinformation I did; that our youngest child was about and under each region’s tab were pictures of children to enter kindergarten, that our parenting wasn’t going that we could click on to get a short biography. Clare to be 24/7 anymore, and that once the last kid started and I looked at thumbnail pictures of children from school the appeal of another child would begin dis- South Asia, Eastern Asia, Latin America… the pages tancing itself from us. went on and on. “If we do this, are you going to want a daughter?” When a child’s picture caught our interest we my wife asked. doubleclicked on it, the image enlarged, and we read more about her. Facts like when she was found, “Yeah, I’ll want a daughter.” her estimated date of birth, how well she interacted Verbally committing to an act as daunting as adop- with her caregiver, whether she was living in a foster tion took guts. It meant that our relationship as hus- home or in the orphanage, her age, and the course band and wife was never going to be the same. It of her physical conditions. also meant the lives of our sons and family members After deciding to adopt a waiting child we com- would change because adoption was going to add a pleted the checklist of issues we thought we could whole new layer of unknown. handle and sent it in along with other application We were nearing the finish of our walk when we materials. We were as official as we could become. decided to alter the course of our lives and adopt. It was time to inform family and friends about our We moved forward by choosing an adoption decision. agency. That decision was easy because friends had already worked with Holt International, an outfit that The Match they considered professional and trustworthy. We I first saw my daughter’s name, Fu Rui, a full year entered the Holt website on my computer and began later. Clare and I hovered over the fax machine as

18 Summer 2006 from the family

When a Family Adopts a Waiting Child Children who are older, have special health-care needs or are part of sibling groups often wait to be adopted, sometimes for years. When Kevin and Clare Wallace filled out their dossier to adopt a child through Holt, they put a checkmark next to each condition they were willing to accept in a waiting child. Kevin said they did not want to too narrowly limit their prospects. “In the end, we chose to accept problems that surgery modern medicine could either cure or improve to to correct a cleft lip and palate. the point of living a normal life,” he wrote. Holt offers programs that provide medical Parents who open their hearts to adopt a wait- treatment and various therapies to help waiting ing child discover a great range of choices. The children, and encourages their adoption through child the Wallaces adopted was almost 4 years advocacy, fee reductions and other financial sub- old, a year older than the age most families are sidies. See pp. 14–15 for more information on willing to consider. She had already undergone Holt’s Waiting Child Program. text and images of our daughter came through. She We could have told the agency that Fu Rui was all Clare and Kevin Wallace looked like she’d been in an orphanage her whole wrong for us. We could have asked that our name with Mary and sons Will, life. Not sickly or malnourished, but thin and under- be put back in the pool of prospective parents until Ben, John and Luke. Below loved. We learned that she was found in a basket on another child came along; one that smiled when her left: Mary on the day of the bank of the Yangtze River, wearing an old shirt picture was taken and didn’t have an irregular but her baptism. and wrapped in a red blanket. She had cleft lip and normal heartbeat. But we didn’t. Instead, we spoke palate, weighed only 1 kg., and did not carry a note to friends who’d already adopted one girl from China for date of birth. Her estimated age was 20 days. and were preparing to pick up their second. We shared what little medical history we had with doc- When we opened ourselves up to adopt, a whole tors and requested their insight. We asked for more array of unknowns was put into motion that raised details from Holt. They had employees in China who our fears and objections. But with the arrival of pho- could, with approval of the government, request more tographs, everything suddenly became more concrete. information from the orphanage. The five pages of notes accompanying the photos detailed her physical stature, her general health, the The bottom line was this: we couldn’t expect 30 repair of her cleft lip and palate, and her develop- pages of medical history, only a few pages of vague ment. The notes were in both Chinese and English. inference. We had to trust that adopting Fu Rui was something we were meant to do. She’d faced huge obstacles to living and had won. She wasn’t perfect, not on paper at least, but someone on the far side This story is excerpted from of the Pacific thought she was perfect for us. They Chasing the Sun, Kevin thought that the family living in the Southwestern des- Wallace‘s book-length ert with four boys and a weak-bladdered dog could manuscript about adopting provide a good home for a little Chinese girl who Mary. needed one. I hoped they were right.

In China Three months later we were in China waiting in a government building to receive our daughter. Fu Rui and her caregiver had arrived and were coming up. My gut hollowed out. Our boys couldn’t sit still, no matter how many times I told them to do so. Clare was nervous too. She didn’t want to cry. She didn’t want to scare our baby girl. I didn’t want to cry either but the closer Fu Rui got continued on next page

www.holtinternational.org 19 from the family

continued from previous page the tighter my throat became and the more I blinked. ing her. I’m not as comforting as Clare, but I had a On the bus ride from the hotel we’d learned a few packet of Smarties in my pocket. The sound of the more facts. Fu Rui’s car ride that day was one of the cellophane unwrapping distracted her from crying. I few she’d ever been on. It had taken her away from put the top one between my thumb and forefinger the only home she knew, the place where she was one and offered it to her. Fu Rui opened her mouth and I of the oldest children; a shy but helpful girl who often dropped it in. She rolled it over her tongue once, bit gave her caretaker a hand with the daily chores. full into it, and pointed at the packet for more. The elevator door slid open and Fu Rui, almost 4, Fu Rui relaxed a little. She couldn’t eat and cry at came out wearing a yellow dress over a red sweater. the same time, so she chose eating. My family and She had on pinkish white pants and white shoes, and I walked across the room to a long leather sofa, sat she wasn’t smiling. Even with all her layers of clothes down, ate Smarties, and told each other that every- she still looked tiny––but the moment I saw her my thing was going to be okay. My boys relaxed too; fears lifted. She wasn’t a dream anymore. She wasn’t Mom and Dad were back in control. I took inventory a tiny girl located somewhere in a dot on page 90 of of her tiny tapered fingers, her big brown eyes, and the big rectangular atlas on our coffee table. her slightly large (not big) ears. The scar from her lip Fu Rui stood in the middle of a circle of grownups line to her nose—remnants of the surgery to close her who were pointing to Clare and saying “mama” and cleft—was barely visible from any distance other than pointing to me and saying “daddy” and trying to coax close and her face, her face was absolutely beautiful. her into my wife’s arms. She didn’t want to disobey The boys gathered around and began touching her the only people she knew, but she certainly didn’t lightly. want to come to us either. Settling into Family Our little girl bent forward at the waist, craned her I counted heads after we got settled in our hotel neck out, hunched her shoulders forward, and with room. One, two, three, four, five. Five kids. Our her skinny little butt pointing away from everything family had grown by a factor of one. She was a very that was wrong she shuffled backwards. She wanted small factor, and she was a lovely one. out and was working toward that end when she backed into a metal desk. The modesty panel across “When are we going to start calling her Mary?” my the front popped but didn’t give to her pressure. youngest son asked. Mary was to become Fu Rui’s She was trapped so she did what any lost little child name, but we hadn’t decided when. would do, she cried, and her cry sounded like the “How about now?” my wife said. “Her caregiver soft whisper of a sick child trying to comfort herself told me her nickname at the orphanage was Rui Rui. to sleep. That sounds like Mary.” I couldn’t look at her any longer. It was the worst The next day we introduced our daughter to the scene of the most heart-wrenching movie ever made. hotel’s breakfast buffet. Mary ate everything we put My oldest boy, Will, stood safely away from the mad- in front of her. Eggs, noodles, cereal, bacon, fruit, ness, his eyes wide and wet with fear, and the expres- fish, beans, and pastries; it didn’t matter what side sion on his face was imploring me, his father, to do of the Pacific the food came from, if we put it on something to make the movie end. her plate she ate it. She ate without question and after breakfast, when she was off playing with her I presumed to know what brave was before I met Mary, brothers, she played without question. She was all too happy to do whatever we asked and she seemed but our little girl... had redefined that word. Bravery content—she was content—with her new Caucasian was looking at a completely foreign future and walking family. Mary was content, but I didn’t get the impres- sion she was relaxed, which was evidenced by the straight into it without flinching. number of times I saw her looking over her shoulder for a familiar face. Later that day she began making happy noises, she I looked back to Fu Rui. Tears were rolling down continued eating everything presented to her, and she her beautiful olive cheeks, but she hadn’t abandoned cried once again. We had worked out on the hotel’s her escape. She was moving to her left, along the Nautilus equipment, gone for a swim, played tennis, front of the metal panel while repeatedly pushing her and were taking a water break when she fell off a step hands down. She was making the universal “Quiet and scraped her knee. Please” motion to the Chinese women cutting her from the flock. My daughter was proving to be deter- I picked her up and acknowledged the minor mined, but the room was full of determined women severity of her owie and held her tight until the whim- and one of them, her caregiver, scooped her off the pering stopped. When we were heading back to the ground and handed her to Clare. tennis court she caught my attention with her only English word, a loud “Hey!” Clare soothed and rocked and held her close, but Fu Rui wouldn’t settle. Her bleak cry filled the room I stopped, turned, and looked at her. “What do and she kept reaching for her caregiver. Clare sig- you need, sweetie?” She wiped her forehead and naled for me. I was finally going to touch the little showed me her palm. “Did you bang your head too?” girl who started as a simple conversation over one I asked, lifting her up to look at her head. Nothing year earlier. I took her to my chest and tried quiet- was there but beads of perspiration from all our exer-

20 Summer 2006 from the family

cising. She rattled off a few Chinese sentences, wiped her forehead again, and showed me her palm. “What’s wrong, Dad? Is she hurt?” asked Ben, my second oldest son. “No.” I kissed her cheek, smiled, nodded, and put her back on the ground. “She’s just freaked out because she’s never sweated before.” I presumed to know what brave was before I met Mary, but our little girl who maybe weighed 20 pounds fully clothed had redefined that word. Bravery was looking at a completely foreign future and walking straight into it without flinching. Bravery was eating strange food with gratitude, playing odd games with enthusiasm, holding big hands without pulling away, and pushing big brothers aside when need be. Bravery was waiting only two days before she began to trust us. Bravery was eating only what she liked on the third day. And just when I thought we’d found the titan of bravery in a pint-sized case, she showed us her little- ness wasn’t made of steel. She’d spent the first two nights sleeping quietly between my wife and me and on the third night she was playing with her brothers in the adjoining room when bedtime came. We told John, our third boy. to sleep with us and put Mary in a twin bed with Luke, her youngest brother. That didn’t last more than 30 seconds. Her whispering cry wasn’t loud and maybe it wasn’t all that sad when listened to out of context, but Mary’s context went on for miles and it was heartbreaking. It took Clare an hour to quiet her. Even Mary had limits. It took us three days to find one but one was there: our daughter wasn’t ready to sleep anywhere but right next to the warm skin and beating hearts of the people who fed her and played with her and loved her: her parents.

Home Now Mary has a pink bicycle parked against the wall in the garage and a light brown baseball mitt lying outside in the dirt. She has a doll under her bed that she refuses to dress and a closet full of bright dresses and denim jeans that she loves to wear. Her days are filled with swimming, running, helping, being a nuisance, being adorable, and being a child. The love we give has transformed her bravery into confidence. The nutrition we provide has increased her body weight by 30 percent and her height by 5 a father is not bound by nationality or gender. Mary and her brothers viisit gardens in Chungquing. inches. Her muscles have taken shape with exercise And if I were given the opportunity to speak with and her mind, which is seldom at rest, is becoming Mary’s birth mom, I would know just what to say: westernized. “Thank you. Thank you for the life you saved and Mary’s beauty is in her smile, her eagerness, and the daughter you gave to us.” her ability to infect me with laughter. She is still just I have a beautiful family. Even before Mary came a child and with any luck she’ll remain so for a long home I had much to celebrate, but now we are stron- time, but this child of ours, this daughter of mine, has ger than ever. It’s not because I have a daughter to given me a better view of my own world. hold hands with or because my boys have a sister to Because of her I know that my boys can be gentle counterbalance their boyness, or because my wife has and caring toward another sibling. I know that a sympathizer. We are stronger because Mary loves my wife’s role of mother—of being the empathetic us, and we love her, and when all those threads of and tireless safe house for my children—remains affection are braided together they make one very unchanged, and I know that the satisfaction I feel as strong and thick rope. ■

www.holtinternational.org 21 adopting

How to Prepare Your Family for a New Arrival A little bit of planning can help your child adjust to a new adoption in your family. By Patricia Gillule When our daughter Anna came home from Korea in kids may be excited about the adoption, it is perfectly Smithboro, New York 1999, she was 4 months old, and her older brothers normal for them to be apprehensive about changing were 4 and 2 years old. In 2005, Leah arrived from roles and sharing attention. Expect that concerns China just a month shy of 5 years old, and joined or worries may intensify just prior to the arrival of her siblings who were 10, 8 and 6. Through these the new child. Going into “panic mode” is normal Special education teacher experiences, we learned some valuable lessons and when such a monumental change is right around the Patricia Gillule and her can offer these tips on how to successfully add a new corner—for siblings and parents! Loving reassurance husband, Steve, are parents member to your family. and understanding go a long way toward allaying to four kids, including two any fears. biological boys, a daughter from Korea, and a daughter Finding Your New Child Be proactive, and be brave! Anticipate situations from China. Get input from your kids. If you plan to adopt, but that you may face with your newly adopted child, have not yet decided on the age, sex, or possible spe- and take steps to deal with them. We read a great Above: David (left) 10, cial need of your new child, this is helpful. When we deal prior to both adoptions to make sure we could Justin, 8, and Anna, 6, get decided to expand our brood to four, we didn’t have locate resources to help with potential challenges. used to the idea of having specific criteria in mind—except we knew it was Remember, being proactive is healthy—even if it a new sister. The framed critical that the child fit well into our already existing means consulting family therapists at any point in the photograph of Leah, 4, family. We began by casually chatting with our kids adoption process in order to ease the transition. who will arrive soon from during playtimes. “Gee, I wonder what it would be China, reminds them that In your quest for knowledge, you are bound to like if you had an older sister or younger brother?” she is already a part of their come across information that will scare you. Articles family. Open questions such as these usually brought forth related to attachment disorders, undiagnosed special an opinion. Through doing this, we learned that our needs, adoption disruptions and the like are out there oldest wanted to remain that way, and our daugh- to inform, but can be frightening if you dwell on ter wanted a sister slightly younger than she. This them. Keep them in perspective. While it is good helped us narrow our search in finding the child that to be informed and aware, most adoption stories was right for us. have happy endings. Parenthood, no matter how Use your imagination. If you are looking into we plunge into it, is always a step of faith into the adopting a waiting child or still deciding about what unknown. special needs you can (or cannot) handle, this exer- cise is helpful. Spend time imagining the age, sex or Involving Your Kids ability level of a child you believe will fit well into Let them show off their new sibling. Once you have your family. Research the age or any potential spe- referral pictures, make duplicates and give one to cial needs so that you have a realistic picture in your each child to share with friends and family. This head. Now pretend for at least a full day that this helps them adjust to their new role of brother or imaginary child is with you. Think about your daily sister. It also gives kids an opportunity to explain routines, what you need in your house, and how you adoption or cultural differences. Fielding questions will manage the needs of that child along with the about a new sibling now will make it easier once he rest of your family. Consciously direct your thoughts or she has arrived. to that child all day. How does he fit into your rou- Begin building memories that make her real. Put tine? Where will the tough moments occur? pictures of your new child throughout your house. Tell the kids as soon as you know you are going If you create a holiday photo greeting card, con- to adopt. Remember, adding a new family member sider putting your waiting child’s picture in it also. is as much a process for children as it is for adults, Decorate her bedroom with a theme chosen by your and they may need time to adjust to the idea. While other kids. Bake a cake and hold a “Waiting for My

22 Summer 2006 adopting

Brother/Sister Party.” Begin creating a Lifebook that first week. Leah, at 4 years, sucked her fingers, drank chronicles the adoption journey to your new child, or out of a sippy cup and wet the bed for her first sev- send a photo album to her orphanage. eral weeks home. Behaviors related to grief and loss are expected (and healthy), and older newly adopted Get cultured! Try to absorb all you can about your children may attempt to control their environment by new child’s culture before he arrives. Add new foods testing boundaries. Keep a predictable routine, and into your lives and learn phrases in your adopted look for opportunities to establish bonding through child’s native language. Buy a tape and play it in the eye contact and physical touch. car while traveling. It keeps everyone occupied and it’s great to be able to communicate with your newly Be aware of too much stimulation, and limit visitors adopted child when he first gets home. Teach your during your child’s first days home. Let him absorb kids about the history and geography of their new his home environment and family and feel comfort- sibling’s country. able within it before putting more on his plate. Create a transitional event. Once you have an Acknowledging your child’s emotional age and arrival date for your new child, ask the kids to help emotional needs will help her feel safe, and she will plan one last family outing to celebrate your family as learn to trust you. The regression won’t last forever, it exists now. This event will ease the parental guilt and it is not indicative of developmental problems. that you are bound to feel after your new child is Accept your child wherever she is and love her home and in need of a lot of attention. Take pictures unconditionally. Rock her, give her a sippy, change or video and make the day memorable. the sheets, and pour love upon her like there is no tomorrow. At some point in life, every child deserves Welcoming Your New Child to be the center of someone’s universe. Your new The Gillule girls in Respect the privacy of your new child. Chances child may not have had that opportunity yet, so give it January 2006—Anna, 7, are, there are pieces of his or her history that to her. This is not to say that you shouldn’t have rules is from Korea and Leah, involve abandonment, poverty, or missing informa- and expectations, but do keep in mind that a child 5, hails from China. tion. Remember that what little information you have is all that your child has from her past. It is important that you guard this information and share it with her first, not your other children or family members. Older siblings are bound to ask why a child is being placed for adoption. I offered mine the general answer that sometimes a life has missing pieces that we don’t really know. Situations such as poverty, family size, medical issues, cultural differences and personal decisions all play a role in why kids are in need of families. What we do know is that the people involved in our child’s early life made the best deci- sion that they knew how to make at the time, given their circumstances. We cannot begin to understand the “whys.” but we can celebrate what we know: This beautiful child is now a special blessing in our family—and for that we are grateful. Think of your child as a newborn and plan accord- ingly. New children in families are going to need attention. This is just a given, no matter how a child who is not yet securely attached arrives into a family or what age they are when they will be less likely to comply with your requests get here. We found that while Leah’s needs were dif- to conform to your expectations and family rules. ferent because she arrived at age four, the intensity of Forming this bond is a process and takes time, but as her needs were similar to that of a new baby. Our it grows, challenging behaviors will subside because routine was turned upside down for awhile, and she your child will have the motivation and desire to became the central focus of our lives. We expected please you. The more you nurture the attachment process, the better life will be for your entire family. this and discussed it with our family ahead of time. Questions like, “How do you think it would feel to go Expect some bumps in the road—life is full of them. to a completely new family, with new sounds, smells, We all have moments when we wonder why we put language, food and people?” were helpful in getting ourselves into challenging predicaments. Your kids the kids to think about why Leah would be so needy are no different. Don’t worry if they occasionally in the beginning. We also had the kids make a list wonder about this whole new sibling thing. Chances of activities they could do during times when Leah are that before long, they won’t be able to imagine needed our undivided attention, and this helped. Life what life was like before their new sibling arrived. settled into routine within just a few weeks, but the Embrace the miracle! You are about to be part of preplanning certainly helped! one of the greatest miracles on earth—being witness Emotional regression in your newly adopted child to the transformation of a child who has found his is normal—prepare your other kids for it. Anna, at 4 forever family. You have been richly blessed—enjoy months, went into shutdown mode and slept a lot the every minute of it! ■

www.holtinternational.org 23 from the family

Finding Your Way to Peace Again When a new arrival strains the family, even second-time adoptive parents can have their confidence shaken.

By Donna Crook– She immediately hid her face in the crook of my neck; from China two years earlier, stood beside him. But Arcadia, California her grip tightened on me like a vise. Haley was not ready to go through another series of changes. When Jeff tried to hold Haley, she screamed and gripped me even tighter. I thought the chaos of the In Guangzhou a week later, the other babies had room frightened her; once in the quiet hotel room, she made the transition with little difficulty, but not would relax and let Jeff hold her. But instead, Haley Haley. If anyone came near, spoke to her or reached continued her vise-grip on me. We tried a strategy I for her, she screamed. Her little body trembled, and had read about. In the mornings before Haley woke she gripped me tighter. She had to be held at meal Above, top left: Jeff and up, Amy and I slipped out. Jeff changed Haley, and Haley in China, soon after held her while giving her a bottle. She was quiet and the adoption. Right: willing until the moment she saw me. With pierc- After months of exhaustion, frayed Donna Crook holds her ing screams and tears in her eyes, she reached for youngest daughter, Haley. me. She rejected bottle, pacifier, toys and snacks and nerves, an aching back and a family Opposite page: Amy and stopped crying and screaming only when I held her. Haley pound the ivories. life unhinged... I saw no light at the Haley’s cries brought our Holt International adop- tion guide to our door. “Is the baby okay?” he asked. end of my dark tunnel. He explained that Haley had been abandoned the times, while I showered, while I dressed, even dur- day she was born. Weak, she had been assigned a ing bathroom breaks. She would not let go. If I set special caregiver the first month at the orphanage. her down, she screamed. Haley’s screams shook our Once stronger, she had a regular caregiver. She was confidence. given to a different caregiver for travel to Changsha, then to another to bring her to us. Haley was having We came home. We asked family and friends to trouble coping with so many changes in such a short wait. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year came time. She was terrified I would leave her. “Give her and went. No matter how much I held her, Haley time,” he said. did not improve. In January 2005, Haley had her first birthday. We finally invited family and friends We had traveled to China in November 2004 to to meet her. Afraid of everyone, she punctuated the receive our second adopted daughter, a 10-month- party with hysterical screams. I placed her in her old we named Haley. She was being handed over crib, and it calmed her. to us by her caregiver in the civil adoption office of Changsha, Hunan Province. The room reverberated Three months after Haley’s adoption, the relent- with a confused mixture of babies’ cries and new less stress had taken a tremendous toll on the whole parents’ laughter. My husband, Jeff, operated the family. Coming home to another evening of crying video camera, while our daughter Amy, 3, adopted became extremely difficult for Jeff.

24 Summer 2006 from the family

Our older daughter regressed in toilet train- ing, undoing months of effort. In anguish, Amy asked Jeff, “Doesn’t Mommy want to hold me?” She believed what she saw: Mommy held Haley, Essential Care but not her. My heart ached for Amy as Jeff and I tried, and failed, to reassure her. Helping Your Baby Meanwhile, Haley felt secure only in my Means Taking Care arms, in her crib or in her stroller. I wheeled her stroller from room to room when I did laun- of Yourself dry, cleaned, cooked or tended Amy. I could do nothing else. I saw no friends. I went nowhere. In Ms. Crook’s touch- I became isolated. ing story, her daughter After months of exhaustion, frayed nerves, an Haley is exhibiting aching back and a family life unhinged, I began one of the possible to resent Haley’s behavior. I saw no light at responses that children the end of my dark tunnel but found instead an unyielding wall. On and on, month after month, may have to frequent day after day, hour after hour… I had no relief. disruptions in caregiv- No break. Defeated, I prayed, “God, please ers. If a baby does not help me. I can’t do this.” have nurturing and I turned to the people of my church for consistent care giving, help. I learned about MOPS (Mothers of Pre- she will have difficulty Schoolers). Our church’s professional childcare staff provided the moms time away from their feeling that the world children and time to talk to each other about is a safe place, and that her what works with their kids. Fortunately, the needs will be met. It can become very difficult for her MOPS meetings fit Amy’s preschool schedule. to trust that any caregiver will stay. This is indeed My first meeting was in March 2005. a terrifying prospect for a helpless baby, as is clearly That Tuesday morning we were already late demonstrated in little Haley’s gripping fear of being for preschool when Amy overflowed the toilet. Rushing, I set Haley down and cleaned up the abandoned by her adoptive mom. mess. Haley’s piercing screams raked my raw nerves. We got in the car, and I cried all the Fortunately for Haley, she was placed in a loving way to the church. Leaving Haley in daycare home, and her family not only understood what she seemed unattainable. was going through, but had the patience and fortitude I explained Haley’s distress to the com- to provide her with the loving consistency she needed passionate childcare supervisor. Leaving my to recover her sense of trust. screaming baby cradled in her arms, I went to MOPS. I asked other moms who were coming from daycare if Haley was still crying. Haley’s However, as Haley’s mom illustrates beautifully, it screams continued unabated for 20 minutes... can seem like an eternity if your baby is clinging every then she was quiet. waking moment. It is important that the caregiver I breathed a sigh of relief. takes care of herself, so that she can regain her energy The following Tuesday, she stopped scream- and sense of perspective. If you find yourself in a simi- ing after 10 minutes. The third Tuesday, Haley lar situation, remember that your cup must have some- stopped as soon as I was out of sight. She took thing in it in order for you to give of yourself to others. her bottle and settled into a nap. Sometimes family and friends can help out so that you One-on-one attention taught Haley she was in can get a rest, or just get out of the house. Support a safe place. Repetition taught her that Mommy groups can be wonderful resources, because it helps comes back. In a nurturing environment, Haley let go of her fear of abandonment. to know that you are not alone. Check with your local social worker or church community for information on The winds of March blew Haley’s musical laughter into our lives. When Jeff came home, various groups in your area. Haley squealed with delight and ran to him. Pat McConnell, MSW Haley held her little hands high as he scooped her up, flying her over his head. Haley became Director of Social Services, Korea less fearful and our family had fun together. Amy and Haley played together, their infectious giggles bubbling over us. At last, we were a family. God answered my prayer. ■

www.holtinternational.org 25 from the family Mirror Images A parent’s perspective on being the minority culture in interracial adoption By Catherine Coleman–Tokyo, Japan Above: The Coleman children—Susannah (left), Eve and Chris. Picture this scene. It’s one that starts in a sical beauty. My youngest, with her thick The passersby who see me, my girls familiar way. You’re out in your neighbor- glossy pitch-black hair, laughing eyes and and our Asian childcare provider talking hood on a beautiful summer evening, taking dazzling smile, should be a poster child for in a group outside after I come home from a walk with your kids. You’re soaking up Vietnamese good looks. All my kids look work—and their surprise when we part the last rays of the late-setting sun, enjoying different, from me and from each other, ways and the kids leave with me. and yet we are all the same. We fit. We the warm twilight breeze, watching chil- And my hands-down favorite: on the Pdren play and chatting with neighbors as are a family. Of course, the people around street and in stores and restaurants, the us often have a little harder time seeing you pass by. Inevitably, a few people stare. people needing to communicate with our this—it’s a feeling all of us are familiar with It’s natural, after all—they don’t see families family group who almost invariably address as adoptive parents. structured like yours every day. my daughters, expecting them to translate Only this time, they’re staring at you. The interesting thing is that, for my fam- for me. I always have to ask them to talk Because your kids fit into the picture ily, it’s a mirror image, because we have to me, because my girls don’t understand around you, but you don’t. lived in Asia throughout the life of both the local language, but I do. Watching the my daughters. They have never had to reactions to this double twist—the right face Or imagine this: you are going to school to be minorities in their schools or their peer doesn’t speak the language, which is coming watch a performance one of your kids’ classes groups. They have always fit in; their out of the wrong face—is beautiful. is giving. It’s the start of the school year, so physical appearance has always you don’t know many parents yet. You’ve matched the local standard, and We all need a refuge where the met the teacher, of course, and talked about their right to be there is taken for your adoptive family. The teacher greets you granted. This is not to say they comfortably at the door, and you walk in to don’t have to deal with any curios- questions stop, and the belonging meet the other moms and dads. Several of ity—they do—but on an average them are startled when you introduce your- day, they don’t get a lot of stares is instinctive. self as your child’s parent—because you’re or funny questions. nothing like they expected. Because you are What I take away from this is that curios- I’m in charge of fielding those: “Why surrounded by a sea of beautiful shiny black ity and misconceptions exist everywhere, is that girl with you? How much did you hair and dark eyes, Asian kids with their Asian no matter which side of the minority-cul- pay for her?” (Childbirth and adoption cost parents. And your kids are Asian too. But ture picture you’re on. The well-meaning roughly the same.) “Why didn’t you want you are not. stranger in the supermarket back home, your own kids?” (I did, and here they are.) who asks if a 5-year-old child adopted as “Did you get her so she could marry your Living in Asia a baby can speak the family’s language, son some day?” (My children’s unanimous is not so different from the one here who I have three beautiful children. My oldest, response: Eeewwww.) a biological son, is tall and slim like me, makes the same wrong guess about me. with warm brown eyes like his father. It’s And the implied questions: The kind and Questions about belonging and the pretty clear where those genes came from. concerned adults in the airport, looking at authenticity of our families come from Look at my daughters, and it’s easy to see my girls standing next to me in a crowded a simple lack of understanding or expo- where theirs came from too. In China, my line and talking among themselves about sure, no matter where they are asked. older daughter’s high forehead, ivory com- whether somebody ought to call the airport Assimilation is an important part of most plexion and clear, fine features are trea- police and help those poor lost kids find cultures, and what does not match the sured as a “moon-face,” a standard of clas- their parents. norm has to be sorted out and reasoned

26 Summer 2006 from the family

through before it can take its place in the landscape of the familiar. Sticking Out: An Adoptee’s Perspective Most times, unfortunately, the minority-culture family member bears the brunt of that curiosity. And it’s no fun I grew up in a small town in Iowa. All my friends were white, all my being stared at or talked about, or having to answer that parents’ friends were white, and my extended family, you guessed it… question about your “real family” for the millionth time. It white. That left my two sisters and me—we’re Korean. In some ways, can be very wearing knowing your presence is open to my experience growing up is the “mirror image” of Catherine Coleman’s question in a way that no one around you really under- in the adjoining article. stands, no matter how supportive they try to be, because But in some ways my experience was not a mirror image. A critical they haven’t been through it. difference exists between an adult experience of being a racial minority Being this type of target was a new experience for me, and the experience of a transracial adoptee brought to the United States and it made me humble about what our kids deal with as a child. As an adult, one has already established a sense of identity, every day, and proud of their resilience. I try to look at it and more importantly in this context, a racial identity. With that strong as a learning experience on the value of spreading accurate sense of self and racial awareness, the strange looks and random ques- information about adoption, and being willing to share tions generated by the conspicuous make-up of one’s family can be enough of my family’s life to help others understand. But absorbed, tolerated and understood more easily. I also try to look at it as a learning experience on the value As a child and transracial adoptee, figuring out where you fit, racially, of boundaries, the right not to respond to uncomfortable or is challenging. Being surrounded by white people and not having role invasive questions and comments, and the absolute, non- models of your own race creates an environment that encourages you to negotiable, solidarity of the family. We all need a refuge act, think and wish you were white, too. The awkward looks, ignorant where the questions stop, and the belonging is instinctive. questions and blatant racial prejudice that are also part of the picture I recognize the value of humor. Because there can be a only add pain and questions to a racial identity development process quirky glamour to being the odd one out, if you keep your that is already confusing. sense of humor. The kids running by me on the street, As parents of transracial adoptees, you have the responsibility to make calling out “Ba Phap” (the French lady, the only kind of for- this development easier for your children by honoring your child’s racial eigner they had ever heard of) and then dashing away with differences. I’ve heard from many adoptive parents, including my own, faces contorted in delight and terror at their own daring. I “I forget that my child is a different race.” While that kind of love is what giggled back and wished I had a French phrase to oblige family is all about, it won’t help your child with their confusion about them. Their parents, searching their own mental files for a racial identity, nor will it change how society sees them. Not acknowl- comparison, telling me I looked “just like” Princess Diana. I edging your child’s racial difference is to ignore a large and special part don’t, but I’m not proud, and I took my compliments where of who they are. I could find them. And the rare privilege, in one place I lived, of providing my neighbors with daily entertainment. When it comes to your children and racism, as Catherine put it, you need “to have their back.” When your child is upset because someone In this particular neighborhood, I was the only person made fun of their race or because they’ve been asked if they like rice for who owned a car. There was no room in the narrow streets the 100th time, you need to hear them and sympathize with their pain. outside my house, so I parked it in my front courtyard, If you respond with “those kids didn’t mean anything by it” or “they just which was small and not built with a car in mind. I had want to know more about you,” they’ll understand that it’s not safe to to get a running start and drive the car up my front steps talk about race because you’re defending the actions of the people who so that the front bumper literally nudged the front door, in hurt them. It’s your responsibility to support your child by allowing order to swing the heavy iron gates closed behind the tail- yourself to hear their experiences of prejudice and racism based on how gate with just enough room to fasten the unwieldy padlock. it affected them, not based on the intention, good or bad, of the per- It was quite a production, wedging that car in and out of petrator. By doing this, they’ll be more willing to confide in you about the courtyard every day. And every day, without fail, my these important issues. curious and sociable neighbors gathered to watch. It didn’t matter how many times they saw us do it; the humor factor The strange looks will come. Ignorant questions will be asked. never diminished, and they were always there, crowding Feelings will be hurt. Giving your child a safe place to talk about what the gate and getting in the way. This bothered my kids they experience and helping them with connections to adults of their and me for the first couple of months, and then we caught own race will give them the strength and confidence to better tolerate onto the humor ourselves. We smiled and waved at the the inevitable challenges that surface with race and adoption. neighbors, and made jokes about selling tickets for the A few great resources that I’ve used to understand racial identity performance. development, prejudice, and institutional racism are: And we would have made a lot of money. • Why Are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria? A book We have learned to laugh. And I try to keep this aware- by Beverly Daniel Tatum ness about me, so I can carry it into the future, if we move to • “Race—The Power of an Illusion,” a video series at www.pbs.org/ a place where my girls become the minority culture and they race need me to have their backs the way they have mine now. • Southern Poverty Law Center website at www.splcenter.org. This site In the meantime, I try to answer the questions as best I has statistics within their “Intelligence Project” on the 762 (and grow- can, and I carry on being the real mom of my three very ing number of) hate groups in America as well as tools for teaching own children. And I speak the local language with a big tolerance. smile. ■ —Steve Kalb, Director, Holt Adoptee Camps Editor’s Note: Catherine Coleman is a political officer at the U.S. Embassy, Tokyo.

www.holtinternational.org 27 A Time for Forgiveness Adopted from Korea in the aftermath of war, a woman reaches a time of forgiveness and understanding for the parents who long ago relinquished her.

By Charlotte Otsu— About a year and a half ago I was on that flight, in the group of existence into a shadowy oblivi- Kim Molly made my first communication “50 babies under a year old.” on. It was my means of numbing Tokyo, Japan ever with Holt through the web- the pain of separation. The facts that Mrs. Holt includ- site. I was seeking information ed in her diary account helped And this is where the book on my adoption files. Ultimately, me better understand my Korean was able to speak the truth to On a pilgrimage I found detailed information on parents’ situation and plight. The my heart in a way my Korean to Seoul to cel- when, how, where and why my book gave me an undeniable eye- parents could not. As I read the life began anew in America in ebrate Holt-Korea’s witness account of how during records, the repressed memories 1958. I also learned that Molly 50th Anniversary the mid-50s into the mid-60s, cir- and thoughts surprisingly came and Barbara Holt were directly cumstances of war and the “fear to the surface. I found myself last October, the instrumental in saving my life. author met Holt of war” threatened everyone’s feeling a hitherto unfelt pain After 47 years they both existence. In her gentle words, and compassion for those who International CEO remembered me among all the Mrs. Holt portrays how also peril- endured the past harsh realities. Gary Gamer. This is thousands of babies and children ous conditions of pestilence, dis- Most poignant were the experi- an excerpt from a brought to America and other ease and hunger brought tragedy ences that Mr. Holt described to letter she wrote to countries. The only clue I had to the young and old throughout his wife and family when he saw that Molly might be connected to Korea and increasingly made any the young women giving up their him afterward. me was a photo that my adoptive parent’s life and the lives of the babies and children. He felt a father took showing Molly super- children pass beyond normality. deep responsibility for the care vising as I was handed over to they were choosing to bestow Above left: Charlotte is When I read these words, I Mom on the airplane steps. upon him. I found myself crying handed to her mother by found my heart undergoing an for and with them. Molly Holt and another Laura Hofer [Holt’s Director amazing change. The “door woman, 1958. Right: of Post Adoption Services] did within” that had been solidly I have not forgotten my Korean Charlotte is flanked by her the detective work to ascertain closed toward my own Korean parents, athough I had tried. But husband, Yasuyuki Otsu, that I might have received Molly parents began to open. Through the tears I shed while reading the and daughters Naomi (left) Holt’s name in the Holt registry. gaining knowledge of what Korea past is proof that deep down in and Anna. She contacted Molly, who veri- was like during the years leading my heart I did acknowledge their fied the information and said that up to my birth, I was able to existence. So as a result, I decid- Opposite, clockwise from no other child was allowed to change my attitude. And with ed I would no longer condemn top left: Charlotte and receive that name henceforth. that change of mind came a spirit them to being forgotten. her daughters; As Miss Molly then contacted [her sister] of forgiveness, which I extended Oregon Teenager 1975, Only a few pages into the book Barbara who also confirmed the toward them. Charlotte went to the I discovered that mindsets can fact. It was through Molly’s invi- Miss Teen Queen Pageant, As a small child, I closed down change and the past can be given tation that I traveled to Seoul and where she won the national any thought of their existence. a voice to speak in its defense. met so many special people. title of Miss Congeniality; To me I had lost them—not once To my utter shock, I heard all Charlotte at about 6 Molly suggested I read her thinking that they might possibly the voices projected through Mrs. months old with her broth- mother’s book, Bring My Sons have felt they lost me. I suppose Holt’s diary speaking in defense er, Keith, also an adoptee. From Afar. A portion of Bertha this is a normal way of human of my parents. Their lot was a Holt’s diary includes a brief thought—thinking only of one- harsh reality. This realization account of the March 27, l958 self. I denied and repressed the made all my past secret heart flight from Korea to Portland. I thought of my Korean parents’ accusations toward my parents

28 Summer 2006 time can help us come to terms with what we know in our hearts is right—parents deeply love their children and children were meant to love their parents.” Resources Charlotte Otsu found two articles written by Molly Holt especially helpful in explaining conditions in Korea during the late 1950s and early 1960s. Available through Holt’s Post Adoption Services, “One can reunite with a birth parent and still feel a deep sense of loss, reg- they are: gret and disappointment,” says Charlotte Otsu. “Even if you never meet or • “A Personal know your parents, forgiveness is one way to receive a reconciliation that Viewpoint not only heals the heart, but releases one into a fuller life. This is a long —43 Years of process that involves much soul searching and some heart-rending deci- Overseas Adoption” sions. But it can break the cycle of war—a war none of us ever wanted • Letter addressed to and did not fight, but a war that has affected us all. That war spawned an adoptee (taken seeds of war in our own hearts and brought a rend of separation that made from City Hall) some of us turn involuntarily toward our own parents with bitterness. Comprehension of events, circumstances and actual experiences during that begin to fade away. I could from others and so dare not are 14 and 18, I have asked pass on her memory to her hear but also deeply feel their apply this to any other case them to please know that their descendants. voices express the pain and but mine.) In order to under- grandmother was not only a anguish for letting me go and stand this aspect, I had to put loving, caring person but also Concerning my father and had to conclude that my par- myself in my Korean parents’ a compassionate one. my children’s grandfather, I ents did the best they could situation and in their time tell my girls that by the grace Love and care is evident in times of trouble. I felt a frame. And only then could of God he was able to endure in that I was found as a yearning to acknowledge my I make a choice whether to many hardships to meet my totally healthy baby—solid in parents’ existence and impor- accept or deny their decision. mother. He lived during the weight—obviously fed by a tance to my life. I recognized that this step Japanese occupation and suf- mother’s milk because there could only be accomplished fered shame and deprivation My parents had done what was no other (Barbara Holt’s with the help of outside to a degree incomprehensible they could do until I was 3 eyewitness account). I was sources such as the Holt fam- to someone of my age and months old. At 47, I stood left so that I could be taken to ily, staff and workers. I am time. at a crossroad. I could walk a hospital where formula was grateful for their careful past down a path of forgiveness available—baby formula was During the Korean War records, eyewitness accounts and peace of heart with the not given out anywhere else years of 1950–1953, depend- and photos. past or continue to follow (Molly Holt’s medical record). ing on his location, he had to face death falling from the sky my life of denial and bitter- Part of the decision-making My mother was able to say as well as fire, destruction and ness. And yes, it was that process included asking ques- “no” to self and self-gratifica- the cry of the dying across deep—resentment smoldering tions. In all fairness and com- tion and “yes” to personal the land. Seeing his lifestyle into an undeniable bitterness. passion I had to ask myself if sacrifice and suffering. recorded through history’s Whatever path I chose to take, I would have done any differ- Indeed, as a 3-month-old eyes, I must ask myself, could consequences would result. ently had I known that per- baby I must have missed my I condemn any man like my haps a way was available to I am happy to say with the mother’s eyes, smell, touch, father without questions or give my child a better life—a help of Holt Post Adoption warmth, soft voice and most answers from his side? peaceful life free from war Services and through the of all warm breast milk, but and its devastation—even if it I conclude that concern- grace of God, along with the it is the adult Korean mother meant separation. It is a ques- ing my daughters’ view of writings of Molly, Mr. and who was left to endure empty tion I pray that I will never their Korean grandfather, it is Mrs. Holt, and Dr. David Kim arms and a cold back where have to face with our own important that they remember and further reading about the she no longer held or car- children. In giving me up, my not just that their grandfather Korean War and the Japanese ried her infant. It was her parents allowed me to have endured the war, but he is to colonial occupation of Korea lot to suffer the tormenting a new start—a peaceful, safe be honored simply for being prior to WWII, I was enabled anguish that included physical and healthy beginning that I who he is—their grandfather. to acknowledge the decision and emotional pain as well could then pass on to my own A grandfather holds an innate my parent or parents made on as the social stigma of being children—their grandchildren. position of honor. I will not my behalf. Yes, they did give separated from an unweaned, betray that relationship—rath- me up, but they did so with As a result, I have opened helpless baby. God forbid er I choose to encourage and an intention that was meant my heart to my children and that I would condemn any support it to the best of my for good—not evil. (In saying shared how they must remem- such woman faced with those ability. ■ this I understand that my case ber their Korean grandpar- harsh realities. Rather I should and circumstances may differ ents. To my daughters who give compassion in return as I

www.holtinternational.org 29 Neighborhood Calendar

California Kansas June 24—Craig Regional Park, Fullerton October 2—Harmon Park, Prairie Village, 3300 N. State College Blvd. Holt 77th Place & Delmar, Holt Family Family Picnic for adoptive families, Picnic for adoptive families, adult adult adoptees, parents in process and adoptees, parents in process and prospective adoptive parents. 11–3 prospective adoptive parents. 11–3 p.m. Contact: Todd Kwapisz at (503) p.m. Contact: Todd Kwapisz at (503) 244-2440 or [email protected] 244-2440 or [email protected] Aug. 6–10—Dobbins Holt Camp for October 18—21 adoptees 9 to 16 years old. Contact: Nebraska Eugene, Oregon, USA Steve Kalb at (541) 687-2202 or stevek@ July 23—Coopers Farm, Omaha, 8602 holtinternational.org Mormon Bridge Rd. Holt Family Picnic Holt International 50th for adoptive families, adult adoptees, September 30—Plaza Park, Visalia parents in process and prospective Anniversary Conference 345 N. Jacob St. Holt Family Picnic adoptive parents. 3:30–7:30 p.m. for adoptive families, adult adoptees, www.holtinternational.org/conference Contact: Todd Kwapisz at (503) 244- parents in process and prospective 2440 or [email protected] adoptive parents. 11–3 p.m. Contact: Todd Kwapisz at (503) 244-2440 or July 30–Aug. 3—Ashland Holt Camp for RSVP: Sherry Tarr at (541) 601-0381 or [email protected] adoptees 9 to 16 years old. Contact: [email protected] Steve Kalb at (541) 687-2202 or stevek@ Colorado holtinternational.org July 9—Cook Park, Tigard, 17005 SW 92nd Ave. Holt Family Picnic for adoptive June to August—Fraser Colorado Heritage families, adult adoptees, parents in Camps, Birth culture camps for children New Jersey process and prospective adoptive adopted from various countries. July 17–21—Stirling Camp Friendship, a parents. Special section for families For more information see www. Korean culture day camp for Korean who adopted through Romania, with heritagecamps.org adoptees and their siblings entering a Romanian crafts lottery. 1–5 p.m. grades K–7. For more information see Contact: Todd Kwapisz at (503) 244- www.campfriendshipnj.com Illinois 2440 or [email protected] August 19—Ty Waner Park, Westmont August 4—Atlantic City, Steel Pier Holt July 16–22—Eugene, Staff Training for Holt Family Picnic for adoptive families, Day, a family fun day for Holt families, Holt camp counselors. Contact: Steve adult adoptees, parents in process and noon to midnight. Registration via Kalb at (541) 687-2202 or stevek@ prospective adoptive parents. 11 a.m.– [email protected] 3 p.m. Contact: Todd Kwapisz at (503) holtinternational.org August 5—Pine Park, Lakewood Holt 244-2440 or [email protected] July 23–27—Corbett, Holt Camp for Family Picnic for adoptive families, adoptees 9 to 16 years old. Contact: adult adoptees, parents in process and Iowa Steve Kalb at (541) 687-2202 or stevek@ prospective adoptive parents. 11 a.m.– September 23—LeGrand Community Park, holtinternational.org 3 p.m. Contact: Todd Kwapisz at (503) 206 N. Vine St. Holt Family Picnic 244-2440 or [email protected] August 5—Camp Harlow, Eugene, 3850 for adoptive families, adult adoptees, County Farm Rd. Holt Family Picnic parents in process and prospective for adoptive families, adult adoptees, adoptive parents. 11 a.m.–3 p.m. Oregon parents in process and prospective Contact: Todd Kwapisz at (503) 244- June 17—Medford Holt Family Gathering, adoptive parents. 11 a.m.–3 p.m. 2440 or [email protected] 5–7 p.m. potluck at Rogue Valley Korean meal to be served. Special Christian Church, 1440 S. Oakdale Ave. section for families who adopted through Romania, with a Romanian crafts lottery. Contact: Todd Coming July 2006 Kwapisz at (503) 244-2440 or toddk@ Holt International e-newsletter holtinternational.org October 28—Montgomery Park, Portland Up-to-date news on adoption Live & Silent Auction to benefit children in care. Contact: Holt Events Manager Inspirational stories of children and families Caroline Howe Toy at (800) 451-0732 Sign up today to have the Holt e-newsletter delivered direct to or [email protected] your e-mail address. www.holtinternational.org/enews Pennsylvania Aug. 13–17—Starlight Holt Camp for adoptees 9 to 16 years old. Contact: Steve Kalb at (541) 687-2202 or stevek@ Holt e-news holtinternational.org

30 Summer 2006 family tree

Above left: Shanea Doutrich, 4, Halsey, Ore.—Korea; Above center: Sam Weinman, 8, Indianola, Iowa—Korea; Above right: Samantha Kross, 3, Rapid City, S.D.—China; Left: Tessa Fryer, 3, Ravena, N.Y.—Korea. Below: Brothers Daniel (l) 4, and; Gregory Daloisio (r), 6, Hamilton, N.J. with Brian Nalasco, 2½, Ewing, N.J.—Korea.

Send your photos to Family Tree! Mail original color prints to: Holt International magazine Family Tree P.O. Box 2880 Eugene, OR 97402 [email protected] Throughout the year we need photos for Holt International magazine, our calendar and other productions… and we’d love to consider yours. Send us your best child & family photos. Please send glossy photographic prints or e- mail high resolution digital images. We can- not use studio photos or prints from digital files. Because of the many photographs we receive each month, we are able to publish only a small percentage. We keep all photos on hold for possible future publication and will con- tact you if one of yours is selected.

Far right: Rebecca Kerby, 2, Kirksville, Mo.—Thailand; Right: Gregg and Leslie Jones, Thayne, Wyo., at their wedding, with Gregg’s siblings Katie, 9, China, and Ian Jones, 7, Korea; Above center: Brothers Florin Gabriel, 10, Romania and Jorge Mathis, 5, Guatemala, Warminster, Penn.

www.holtinternational.org 31 Disney on Ice Catrina “Cat” Ivanoff was once a waiting child. Adopted from Thailand when she was 2½, Cat was missing some of her fingers and toes at birth due to amniotic banding. The daughter of Terri Morrissey and Jay Ivanoff, Cat just turned 20. She skates with Disney on Ice and recently performed in Bangkok, the city of her birth. Among her other roles, she skated the part of the Thai doll in “It’s a Small World,” a part rechoreographed by Disney with a special emphasis for finding familiesthe Bangkok performance. While there, Cat visited Holt Sahathai Foundation Cat was 2½ and living in an orphanage in for children Thailand when Holt International found a and was delighted to meet two women she recog- family for her in the United States. Today, at nized from early photographs of her days at the 20, she travels the world for Disney on Ice. orphanage—Pat Amisiri, now the HSF Director of Adoptions, and HSF Executive Director Jintana Nontapouraya. Hearing her baby stories directly from them was “a precious gift,” says Mom. Cat has many medals from her days as a competitive skater. According to her mom, Cat has been ice-skating since age 9... “and those missing digits never finding familiesonce slowed her down.” for children

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finding families for children Summer 2006 Vol. 48 No. 3

The Luminous Journey of Adoption