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GOD SPEAKS the Pastafarian Quatrains GOD SPEAKS! THE PASTAFARIAN QUATRAINS A Scholarly Analysis and Critique of the Flying Spaghetti Monster Jon Smith FOR MORE STUFF: www.lulu.com/stress Copyright Statement GOD SPEAKS! The Pastafarian Quatrains A Scholarly Analysis and Critique of the Flying Spaghetti Monster ISBN: 978-0-615-26319-9 © 2008, Jonathan C. Smith, PhD All rights reserved. No part of this publication can be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior permission of the author. i Basic Information: Nice, insane cosmic legend? Concise elegance in minds? Angelic omniscience ends HINT: Confirmation Bias Meaningless Coincidence ii iii CONTENTS 1: In the Beginning 1 2: The Flying Spaghetti Monster 5 3: Anagrams and Anagramic Archeology 11 4: Spaghettigrams 27 5: The Pastafarian Quatrains: A Primer 31 THE PASTAFARIAN QUATRAINS 41 The Angel and the Serpent 43 The Holy Singers 44 The Empty Message 45 The Two Temptations 46 The Three-Step Path 49 Piglet’s Torment 51 Piglet’s Song 52 Honest Star 53 APPENDIX: The Original Spaghetti Pool 55 How to be a Spaghettigram Psychic 55 References 173 iv - 1 - CHAPTER 1 In the Beginning In the beginning was the word. And the word was with God. And the word was God. –John 1:1 (Genesis 1:1) The first words of the Bible speak of creation. They are words that have inspired humanity for thousands of years. But what do they mean? Let me share with you an amazing journey of words, a work of scholarship that led me to revelations that must be viewed as coming directly from God. Furthermore, I offer undisputable proof that this is so. The Game of Anagrams My journey began with a children’s game, anagrams. An anagram involves rearranging the letters in a word and words in a phrase. “Elvis” can be rearranged into the anagram “Lives.” “Lemon” - 2 - becomes “Melon.” “Snooze alarms” = “Alas! No more Z’s.” One day I decided to take the first six words of the Biblical creation story and, just for fun, look for anagrams. Generally, for a phrase of five or six words, any good computer anagram generator (I use Anagram Genius) can find thousands of anagrams. Astonishingly, the very first anagram that emerged for “In the beginning was the word” was: “Then God threw in a big new sin.” Shocked and hoping for further edification, I searched for more anagrams, and found the equally disconcerting recombination: "Intertwined benign hogwash." The Flying Spaghetti Monster I was profoundly troubled. It was time to take a new look at the meaning of life and God’s message for us all. Where to begin? Should I start with the world’s oldest religion? The world’s biggest religion? The - 3 - world’s richest religion? The world’s most peaceful religion? The noisiest religion? After much deliberation, the answer came to me in a flash. When considering deep questions about origins, I must start fresh and begin with one of the world’s youngest religions, the one most invested in its theory of creation. Here there is only one candidate, one for which over 70 percent of its scriptural writing is about its view of creation. The religion: Pastafarianism. Its creation theory: the universe was created by the Flying Spaghetti Monster. The insights of this volume are a chronicle of my remarkable journey. ------------------ Discussion of anagrams adapted from The Anagram Dictionary by Michael Curl (1996) and Words at Play by O.V. Michaelsen (1998) . - 4 - - 5 - CHAPTER 2 The Flying Spaghetti Monster The world gave birth to a new religion in June, 2005. In a small town in Oregon, Bobby Henderson (age 24) had enough. Frustrated with the Kansas Board of Education’s debate on teaching supernatural theories of intelligent design (such as Biblical 6- day creation story) side-by-side with Darwin’s theory of natural selection, he wrote an open letter formally requesting that his Deity, the Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM), be given equal time. Here is his request: Let us remember that there are multiple theories of Intelligent Design. I and many others around the world are of the strong belief that the universe was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster. It was He who created all that we see and all that we feel. We feel strongly that the overwhelming scientific - 6 - evidence pointing towards evolutionary processes is nothing but a coincidence, put in place by Him. (www.venganza.com) Bobby backed his request with the threat of legal action. Three members of the Board replied and strongly sympathized with his position (they were the dissenting votes in the debate). A supporter of the Biblical Creation Theory warned “It is a serious offense to mock God.” Bobby’s religion, “Flying Spaghetti Monsterism,” or “Pastafarianism,” caught on. His website, venganza.org, received millions of hits. Many serious articles appeared in such respected publications as Wired News, the New York Times, and Scientific American. Today Pastafarianism boasts of “millions, if not thousands of devout worshipers.” (vanganza.org) Beliefs The initial beliefs of Flying Spaghetti Monsterism were sketchy. An invisible and undetectable Flying - 7 - Spaghetti Monster created the universe, starting with a mountain, trees, and “midget” (original spelling). Evidence pointing toward Darwin’s theory was intentionally planted by the FSM to distract and test us. Bobby has enunciated a few additional beliefs and practices: 1. The FSM guides human affairs with his “Noodly Appendage.” 2. Prayers to the FMS end with “Ramen” rather than “Amen.” 3. Heaven has a stripper factor and a beer volcano. 4. Every Friday is a religious holiday. 5. FSM teachers must be “baptized” by “holy meat sauce.” 6. It is disrespectful to teach of the FSM without wearing His chosen outfit, full pirate regalia. 7. It is polite to end conversations with the words “May you be touched by his noodly appendage.” Evidence The rise of Pastafarianism may be due in part to the impressive quantity of empirical support that has - 8 - accumulated. Henderson has astutely noted that “global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of Pirates since the 1880s.” As the number of pirates have declined, disasters have increased. This fact has yet to be challenged by any credible scientist, theologian, or pirate. Furthermore, Henderson has wagered that “the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster can produce more academic endorsements for our theory than Intelligent Design proponents can for theirs.” (Venganza.org, 2007) Dozens of university scholars have already written support for his vision that the universe was created by the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Philosophers have argued: “Prove that it didn’t happen!” Theologians provided logical evidence. (“The Flying Spaghetti Monster is a being with every perfection. Existence is a perfection. Therefore, the Flying Spaghetti Monster exists.”) Scientists have pointed out that there is as much tangible evidence for the FSM as there is for creationism and ID. Biologists - 9 - have noted the uncanny visual similarities between spaghetti and the convoluted wrinkles of the human brain (and squirming colonies of bacteria). Archeologists have pointed to photographs of ancient rock structures (like the many-armed dancing goddess Shiva) resembling noodles. And of course one popular understanding of the entire universe is string (“noodle?”) theory. Hundreds have posted testimonial photos suggestive of the FSM’s noodly handiwork. Even world-famous atheist Richard Dawkins (2006) has enthusiastically announced his FSM epiphany in The God Delusion: “. you just know it’s true. “ (p.52). The Creative Legacy Flying Spaghetti Monsterism has inspired a rich artistic tradition (mostly buttons, posters, and hats) as can be seen on Bobby’s website. Initial revelations are supplemented by The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (Henderson, 2006), a must read for serious students of the paranormal or supernatural. - 10 - - 11 - CHAPTER 3 ANAGRAMS AND ANAGRAMIC ARCHEOLOGY In this essay I attempt a scholarly analysis and critique of the claims and methods of Pastafarian literature, and suggest how application of an ancient tool of divination, anagram analysis, can deepen our understanding of the message of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM). Please note that I missed the deadline for the 2007 annual conference of the American Academy of Religion in San Diego (Dotinga, 2007), a major scholarly event at which four similar analyses of the FSM were presented. For additional scholarly considerations of the role of monsters and Monsterism in transgressing the boundaries between science and religion, see Horn and Johnson ( 2007). The present essay can be seen as my official response to Horn and Johnson’s important scholarship. Unfortunately, a deeper analysis reveals that Pastafarianism, and its Gospel, leave many questions - 12 - unanswered. Why meatballs? Why meat sauce? Why no consideration of vegetarianism? Perhaps recognizing these gaps, Henderson has inspired others to create and publish their own FSM stories, thoughtful essays (through a contest in his Enlightenment Institute), and even instructions for knitting FSM hats. These products can be readily found on the internet. Notably former British schoolteacher, Rob Ives, has even marketed an animated paper model of the FSM through his whimsical paper animation store, remarkably named the “Flying Pig Shop” (Ives, 2008). As proof of his generosity Bobby has included twelve FSM pieces in his Gospel, respectfully acknowledging author ownership of their FSM creations. Bobby has had no problem with break-away sects, including the Piratens, Ninjaists, Moominists and Linguinists, the First United Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, the Mystical Order of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, the Moomon Church of His Spaghettiness, and the Orthodox Monsterist Church (Foyston, 2005). Perhaps the most widely reported are - 13 - the Demurist Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and the Church of SPAM (Spaghetti and Pulsar Activating Meatballs).
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