1
im so lazy 16 Sep 11
“I'm sexist!?! What about e-mail!?!” 16 Sep 11
Counted same hundred twice - ever see somebody get half happy? 16 Sep 11
“Here @ Ghetto matchmakr you'll find long lasting love - becuz these brothas won't let you go --- EVA!” 16 Sep 11
Women worry bout matchn undies - 4 men - if u’ve gotn down to my torn up draws - I'm either havn my clothes cut 2 get 2 the wounds - or Im in the hosp 16 Sep 11
The gd thing about hangn with nudist is - it always sounds as if they're your bigger fans 15 Sep 11
I am tyler durden's insatiable, unquinched ambitious thirst 15 Sep 11
u can categorize people by level of importance! - i love you facebook 15 Sep 11
You know how you can unintentionally really hurt someones feelings w/ the most innocent of comments?....I LOVE THAT 15 Sep 11
I don't know about u - but I still use the term "cookiepuss" 15 Sep 11
With how sensitive kids r today - if spidey was created now - would he have gone
Ed Johnson Presents: Edisms 2
back to school after being bit & fkd kids like Flash Thompson up? 15 Sep 11
to palin on glen rice rumor - BOOM goes the dynamite & any hope of the presidency 15 Sep 11
wouldnt a Coco (Ice-T’s wife) wardrobe malfunction be that her clothes fell ON? 14 Sep 11
Joss Whedon to rename son “Scarlett Johansen jr” in gratitude 14 Sep 11
So Palin banged Glen Rice - I had her all wrong - she can stomach black guys - "pow pow pow" 14 Sep 11
yes ms. johansen - bc the FBI has nothing better to do than find out who stole the pic YOU TOOK of your own ass! 14 Sep 11
preview for “terra nova” claims “like nothing youve ever seen” - i guess their demo is no one who’s ever seen “land of the lost” or “jurassic park” 11 Sep 11
Netflix starting to stand for "nothing ever there" 11 Sep 11
Penny approved 11 Sep 11
Inspector Gadget finding second career lucrative w/ new line of sex toys 11 Sep 11
Movie surprised me w/ subtitles - didn't feel like being literate & stopped it. Rather put on some dumb shit - so we'd have somethg in common
Ed Johnson Presents: Edisms 3
11 Sep 11
I don't want to remember but I'll never forget - 9/11 11 Sep 11
hate when i know someone ahead of me - then they turn & see me - so i wave - but then they stop - FUCK! 10 Sep 11
Arent news media outlets suppose to be NEUTRAL? 9 Sep 11
why cant i press charges against a pet - if a cat scratches me - i want the option to put him away or down - there should be a trial & shit - why did he scratch me? was it an unprovoked attack? pets get away w/ too much shit - like shitting anywhere - if i was in your house & shat on your counter - you'd never have me over again 9 sep 11
Soon as i figure out how to delete or unfriend you in real life - there’s gonna be a lot more room on the trains in the morning - to those that do nothing but have a neg comment for everything - waste less time hating what others attempt & make an effort to improve or create your own lane - with the time you waste judging - you couldve done somethg better - i dont mind critique - but when its ur m.o. - i start to think it may not be me 9 Sep 11
Parents - you're handling the punishments all wrong - next time the kid acts up threaten not to pay the light bill - fake it & pull fuses X-box addicts will lose their minds 9 Sep 11
Ed Johnson Presents: Edisms 4
Just took 7 min 43 sec to pack my groceries - another 4:32 as he had to swipe EACH of the 6 cans of tuna! 9 Sep 11
Hm w/o exploding - gd start to wkend 9 Sep 11
Watchn “odd couple” w/ mathau & lemmon - apparently mid-age men had really bad backs in 50s & 60s 8 Sep 11
in "40 yr old virgin" loved Seth Rogen - now if i hear his voice or see him on the street i'm going to rip his head out thru his urethra 8 Sep 11
Man it must be hard breakin up now days - u gotta tell her, u gotta block or unfriend her on all ur accts, limit access to shared friends easier to kill her..yeeeah... 8 Sep 11
Scooby doo announces he's going solo - when asked how the rest of the gang felt he's quoted as saying "Ruck 'em" 8 Sep 11
‘Yo seriously - I hate that dude Vader - wanna try & choke somebody cuz we disagree bout religion - yo fuck Vader son fo real! Punkass sith” 8 Sep 11
Ever call somebody something & they look @ you like its new info? example - I was pushing this guy in a wheelchair out of my way & he said somethg rude to me so responded "fkn cripple" & he looked at me like he didnt know... what?...you think he’d be more aware
Ed Johnson Presents: Edisms 5
8 sep 11
if you wake up everyday thinking TODAY you are gonna have buckets of shit force fed to you - when you get home at night & all thats happnd is u've lost ur keys, broke up with ur wife & twistd ur ankle -u can know that it couldve been MUCH WORSE 6 Sep 11
Possibly high but have idea where capt kirk is a pimp - spock the muscle & mccoy & uhura take care of the girls "STAR TRIK"..no? 6 Sep 11
Should I feel offended that the question I just asked answers.com was listed under misc? Who are they to judge me? FAQ my ass! 6 Sep 11
Let's hijack mtv and turn it into a concert, battle rap, interviews, studio session, tour following, Fkn MUSIC NETWORK! LET'S GOOOOO! 6 Sep 11
katz deli reuben baby! sex betwn 2 pieces of bread - & i know cuz i've actual- ...nevermind 5 Sep 11 starting my own new lang. - first word - “Assidactyl” - someone who talks out his ass about old shit 5 Sep 11
my vision of “prince of persia sands of time” reboot - a suicide bomber inspirational video narrated by deepak chopra 2 Sep 11
Live action “lil mermaid” reboot - 90 minute info-mercial about femine hygine 2 Sep 11 Live action “strawberry shortcake” - story of a diabetic hooker that uses her name as an ironic ice breaker 4 what she can't have!
Ed Johnson Presents: Edisms 6
2 Sep 11
Closest we'd get to a Libyan like uprising is a “modern warfare” tournament where the prizes are with-held 1 Sep 11
SEPTEMBER
Hey - assh*les that send shit like "u look funny in this vid of you" to me & i dont kno u - that's not creative mkting - that's just fkn creepy! 31 Aug 11
Don't you get that when trying to make a serious point if you misspel a word it jus makes you look stupid & ellemenates the point? 31 Aug 11
jay-z just picked up his 100th problem - to infinity & beyonce rumored prego 29 Aug 11
Was on hulu & was thinking how i could make some of those shows better - here we go - Shark Nanny, ugly samatha who?, 20/21 jump street, 8 simple rules to 30 days of night, 10 things i hate about being 16 & pregnant 29 Aug 11
I don't make the bootlegs I just watch em - my part is more or less shoeankling 28 Aug 11
b4 video - music was allowed to create your own vision in your mind - when you hear a song in a video you cant hear it & it isnt allowed to be your memory - bcuz theyve
Ed Johnson Presents: Edisms 7
already made one for you 28 Aug 11
That same kind of fear mongering they did w/ weather reports weather yester - they do for people too - stop watching the news 28 Aug 11
Shout out to all the girls w/ low self esteem - thk u for all u do & r willing to do - (take that w/ a grain of salt - ur still wack) 25 Aug 11
ving rhames starring in "I'm going to take off my clothes, & play a profoundly deep gay character with lots of uncomfortable close ups” 24 Aug 11
Nick ashford of ashford & simpson has passed 23 Aug 11
Eddie murphy drops out of movie for lack of fat suit usage and character written with too much dignity 23 Aug 11
Joe pesci starring in "c'mon Marty, make another gomba movie already" 23 Aug 11
Cuba gooding jr starring in "can't trip into a gd movie since making an ass of myself for best 2nd guy in a flick" as the retard 23 Aug 11
Jennifer lopez starring in "no onscreen chemistry while taking latin women backward 50 yrs in movies" as the maid 23 Aug 11
"United damsel coalition" founded today by several Princess' from various fairy tales & video games seeking equal saving opportunity rights
Ed Johnson Presents: Edisms 8
Quote “Why not if Link can-” (Shhh) What?” 22 Aug 11
thinking of dressing up as Donald Duck this halloween - hoping for a warm night - & expecting to do alot of standing 22 Aug 11
every box of tampons or the like should come w/ a bag of weed for men - then you can "have a happy period...always" 22 Aug
1 day all these tramp stamps will be on the backs of 70 yr olds - they'll need an archeologist to determine what they lookd like originally 18 Aug 11
Id appreciate it if men would refrain from "poking" me on facebook - i'm cyber- homophobic 17 Aug 11
ok - ok - just over heard couple of kids talking - one said "whats good about ice is that it's like 90% water"...... we're done arent we? 17 Aug 11
so now same guy who came up w/ “Pretty Litttle Liars” is doing "the lying game" - has this guy only experienced dishonest, attractive, little, white girls? 17 Aug 11
Same way they call big fat guys tiny - can I call flat chested girl I know titties? 15 Aug 11
Am I the only one that thinks R. Kelly blew a huge opportunity with urine cakes? 15 Aug 11
Can I call a store where I sell sketchers & candiees - skankiees?
Ed Johnson Presents: Edisms 9
13 Aug 11
So bored 12 Aug 11
I naturally assumed it was called skeet shooting becuz of all the pulling 11 Aug 11
Its not true - people do change - usually into people who no longer like you 11 Aug 11
thing is - people I dislike r the ones that get the real me - i waste time walking on eggs shells to spare the feelings of those I care about 11 Aug 11
Crackhead smurf to Gargamel "Man - I'll suck your smurf man - I'll suck your smurf! man" 9 Aug 11
Y are arguments usually preceded by the words "I don't want to argue" 8 Aug 11
Do tall people get lonely? 5 Aug 11
Geeks @ the gym: "its - too - heavy!" "Computer lower holo-deck emitters 13.2 percent...computer?" 5 Aug 11
Geeks @ a bar: "she didn't respond to any of my hails" - "could it be ur universal translator?" 5 Aug 11
Talkn to my hmgirl who's in a new relationshp - how new? So new she finds jealousy "cute" so u kno I'll be visiting her ass in the hosp
Ed Johnson Presents: Edisms 10
4 Aug 11
Don't name drop - all that tells me is I was this close to meeting someone a lot better than you 3 Aug 11
Behind on bills cuz lazy - but it didn't get serious til the netflix got blockd 3 Aug 11 Why do they add a chick so women can relate to action movies but no one in the notebook exploded or got shot btwn the eyes 2 Aug 11
The confused look on a pretty persons face when u tell them "no" is priceless! 1 Aug 11
AUGUST
HJ training - B.Y.O.S.W. (bring your own shake weight) 30 Jul 11
After wedding Kim Kardashian & new husband go on their honeymoon - a dinner date w/ her new athlete boyfriend (sis to do same follown week) 29 Jul 11
Gonna get a febreeze secret decoder ring for subway rides 29 Jul 11
Ever almost give someone a compliment - then get a gd look? 29 Jul 11
wish i could be there for that 1st unsupervised convo dakota fanning has w another kid & they tell her what childhood shouldve been 29 Jul 11
Ed Johnson Presents: Edisms 11
Ever start shit w/ a co-worker ur just sick of talkn to? "muthafucka I told u if u ever use my stapler again! you kno what? just Don't ever say shit else to me" not even my stapler 29 Jul 11
Got some kind of irritation above my eyebrow - think I might be allergic to surprise 29 Jul 11
Y is it that if u deal w/ any govt sanctioned agency like dmv or irs they don't know what the internet is & their cpu screens r still blk & green? 29 Jul 11
Today I stopped & thought "maybe its me" then realized "I don't have to deal w/ me" so f**k it” 28 Jul 11
There should have been a "you must be this tall to ride this ride" sign for your life 27 Jul 11
Don't need any new friends - still tryn to get rid of ones I got now 27 Jul 11
New study says too much tv can be deadly - ive been watchn for 40 yrs - when exactly does thi - 27 Jul 11
Wanna go 2 the past & deal w/ people like on i do on facebook - just go into places & announce I'm there - or tap on people i "like" 27 Jul 11
"its not that i dont like you - its...actually thats - thats exactly what it is" 27 Jul 11
Ed Johnson Presents: Edisms 12
I'm gonna shoot a behind the scenes & do a commentary for a movie I haven't come up w yet 26 Jul 11
Lauren hill pushes out 6th boy - if only her music came out as often 25 Jul 11
just almost got hit by that tiny eco car - felt no fear - actually apologized to the driver - who knows what couldve happn to his car 22 Jul 11
"BROS B4 HOES" what closeted, I've got a secret crush on my buddy, douche came up with that bullshit - i will leave you at the scene of a crime for some ass 21 Jul 11
tune in for a very special "Fat Albert" as the gang visits him in the hosp for his diabetes related amputation -
Russel: "Fat Albert you're like a irish artist" Fat Albert: "how am i like a irish artist" Russel: "cuz you only got one left foot!"
and the gang laughed & laughed (Fat Albert later went blind, had several more parts amputated - then died) 20 Jul 11
who else is sttill mad at Lotso from "toy story 3?" 20 Jul 11
writing a script for a live action Foghorn Leghorn movie starring Tommy Lee Jones & Joe Pecsi as the chicken hawk 20 Jul 11
IF YOU CARE THEN SUCK IT...... before the venom gets in the bloodstream 20 Jul 11
Ed Johnson Presents: Edisms 13
people should be like puppets so that i'd REMOVE my hand from their asses to shut them up 20 Jul 11
You should've known I was evil - I have a goatee! 19 Jul 11
dream last night: I'm on a sinkin ship & crew says "women & children first" & this book thumpn feminsts steps up & I yell "shananagans!" - We argue & die 19 Jul 11
Best "bitchass" pathetic convo ever - overherd dude just complain "she even took my food stamps!" 19 Jul 11
I luv the look of disgust peop give escaltors that r off - like theyv got a virus 19 Jul 11
I kno we aren't suppose to laugh @ "lil people" but I think there should be a "giggle pass" for when they try to hop up on stuff & run 4 the bus 18 Jul 11
Customer Service exp:
Me: "8k"
cust serv: "that was 8k?"
Me: "Yea! (w/ tude) "K" as in cat!"
(Lng pause)
Me: "KITCHEN!" - u kno u couldv let that go"
Ed Johnson Presents: Edisms 14
CS: "no sir, I couldnt" 18 Jul 11
Somewhere there's a stalker PISSED that he didn't come up w/ that "follow me" option 17 Jul 11
Wanna start a show where I go to eat in diff restaurants w/ a grizzly called "bear with me" 17 Jul 11
Is there a half puerto rican half black lantern ring? 16 Jul 11
today on Maury Snow White & all 7 dwarves - "Snow is determined to find out "Who Is The Father!?!" 15 Jul 11
Cop stopped me 2 check my bag in subway & I was like "u see me evryday" - he said "what my point" & I said "wouldn that make me a really bad bomber?" 15 Jul 11
MAN these strippers are NiiiCE! 14 Jul 11
think its time to drink some water cuz someone just mentioned OCD & I started singing "if you leave" thats a sign that im drunk right?...or stupid - or a girl that grew up in the 80’s which? 14 Jul 11
The longer something takes to do - the less interest I have in doing it - I need for things to happen!14 Jul 11
Ed Johnson Presents: Edisms 15
Asked a guy w/ 1 leg where I might get my shoes shined & he gave me tude! - Stupid uni-man 14 Jul 11
Old ladies just don't care - this 1's tits were swingn so low - her nipples were givn off sparks evrytime they scrapd the concrete 14 Jul 11
This bulge in my pants is ridiculous! - they really need a redesign for these carmex things 14 Jul 11
I want a physical "block" feature - just a sticker u slap on somebodys forehd - "u can't talk to me anymore - ur blocked" 14 Jul 11
u ever have some1 u secretly think is wack compare themselves to u "you & me are like the same dude Ed" "WHAT!?! shut ur wackass up -no we're not!" 14 Jul 11
So how many more times for this shaving shit - one - two? 14 Jul 11
Cam Newton's 45 minute interview seemed hinged on the one question that stumped him the most - his name 14 Jul 11
If it wasnt for all the tedium it would make all the mundane seem pretty humdrum 14 Jul 11
The Jamie Lee Curtis I knew couldn't even spell Activa! She was a hooker & she let Dan Ackryd touch her inappropriately 14 Jul 11
Ed Johnson Presents: Edisms 16
"I am chilly willy the penguin - oh gee oh gosh I'm chilly all the time"...yUUUp. that memory coulda been aids cure - but I saved that instead 13 Jul 11
People always say if they could have a super power they'd pick flying or invisiblity - i'd pick "mom guilt" 13 Jul 11
dont get crazy w/ these price increases Netflix - i've been one of ur best "johns" but there are alot a hoes out there 13 Jul 11
FU! you Facebook "liked"me - but you dont FB "like" me "like" me do you? DO YOU!?! 13 Jul 11
U coke hds r animals - I just sniffd water to clear my sinus & nearly went down like a pre-op transxual trying get enough for the inside out 13 Jul 11
Bad enough city is packd - now 75% r looking down @ their phones - he typed in the center of inter section 12 Jul 11
#WhatNOTtosaytoawoman - becuz shes a c**t - your best friend in the world is a c**t - that why! wanna hear it again? 12 Jul 11
#WhatNOTtosaytoawoman - I'll use small words this time 12 Jul 11
#WhatNOTtosaytoawoman - just tell me what you want me to say so I can get back to what i really want to do! 12 Jul 11
Ed Johnson Presents: Edisms 17
#WhatNOTtosaytoawoman - not if she/he doesnt know 12 Jul 11
#WhatNOTtosaytoawoman - your ass looks like its grimacing when you walk 12 Jul 11
I guess now that the break-up is final - I can admit - I didnt really walk into a door Thats what she made me say 12 Jul 11
U just kno Elton John has already written his own memorial song & has the China olympics opening cermony guys on stand by 4 when he goes 10 Jul 11
#WhatNOTtosaytoawoman - upon waking up "Oh.." 12 Jul 11
#WhatNOTtosaytoawoman - you remind me of my grandmother (actual words i said to girl i liked in 7th grade) 12 Jul 11
Next person that talks to u - u respond "that's a gotdam lie" top of ur lungs - then quickly apologize & ask what they say? (works better if ur over 6 ft & blk but try) 12 Jul 11
I guess now that the break-up is final - I can admit - I didnt really walk into a door - she made me tell people that 12 Jul 11
I wasn't payin attn and grabd the syrup instead of dishwashn liquid & now have aunt J. cutlery (y is the syrup on sink?) 9 Jul 11
I just told me it was over - I didn't take it well - but at least separating of stuff will be
Ed Johnson Presents: Edisms 18
easy 9 Jul 11
I "like" you so gonna start "following" you until I get to "poke" you then "block" you 9 Jul 11
How is it possible that jonah hill & rogen both look worse thin 8 Jul 11
Going to see "horrible bosses" to get some tips 8 Jul 11
Everytime they show image of last space shuttle flight being delayed - I want to shoot angry birds at it 8 Jul 11
You'd think w/ all the costume changing & disguise women would be able to relate more to superheroes 8 Jul 11
Lunch $7 - monthly metro $89 - watching the shock on the face of the biggest brown nose in my office as he got fired yesterday - PRICELESS! 8 Jul 11
i need a Horticulturist to hook me up! 8 Jul 11
Guy next to me w/ studs in each ear, platnium dog tags & grill - looked @ a dude crossing street & said "only faggots where that much jewelry" 7 Jul 11
Peter Mayhew explains that thru method acting and masterbating in the suit he was able to create chewbacca's famous sounds 7 Jul 11
Ed Johnson Presents: Edisms 19
Would anyone be surprised if Zuckerberg's head popped off & he was a robot? 6 Jul 11
Interesting how new tech never seems to be enough anymore - folks r always like - “oh so it only flies?’ 6 Jul 11
girls ass so big look like she was going camping 5 Jul 11
Casey Anthony found not guilty of first-degree murder...WOW! 5 Jul 11
Women in those cialys commercials look so sympathetic - there should a follow up where they're boning young guys for "the boys club of amer" 3 Jul 11
If palin & bachmann r the rule - I need a republican woman - rich, stupid & kno they're expected to perform orally in public 3 Jul 11
THIS "SLEEPING" THING IS INCREDIBLE!! ANYBODY ELSE HEAR ABOUT THIS?? 3 Jul 11
Dude said in a video "its like million man march with minorities" 1 Jul 11
If I'm kevin james' agent I'm pushing for a "family guy" movie 1 Jul 11
JULY
Ed Johnson Presents: Edisms 20
id pay to see Michael Bay explode in 3D IMax super def 29 Jun 11
I just had to check myself about how I talk to me - i wont be doing that again 28 Jun 11
It seems my underwear had somethg urgent to say & forced its way in to see my colon 28 Jun 11
Grp of teens killed during their investigation @ camp crystal lake - a talking great dane was found repeating "Rason! Rason!" 28 Jun 11
if sharon osbourne has anymore face lifts - all shes gonna wanna do w/ ozzy is eskimo kiss...for hours 28 Jun 11
Wile E. Coyote being sued by Acme company for lack of payment on boulder catapult & rocket skates 28 Jun 11
According to law u can shoot people on ur property...so I'm having a party 28 Jun 11
we are too fuckn "tolerant" - @ a party, they decide to play charades - but a blind guy decides to play & is on my team - can I not say some shit about this? I dont want to be the dick but I dont think Tom is gonna fully appreciate my raptor mime 27 Jun 11
lil kid ran right into my crotch other day - my nuts did that receding grimace they do when threatened (the revrs hulk) & i stood there doing the hop on ur heels Indian dance trying to coach them back out - like it was fucking ground hog day 27 Jun 11
Ed Johnson Presents: Edisms 21
I threw my cpu out the window - Y? Bc I'm making all my decisions like women do - & although I was happy w the cpu today - 5 yrs from now... 27 Jun 11
Looking for investors for new venture - escort service called "Stunt C*nts" "We'll do what she wont!" 26 Jun 11
put on "sex & the city" movie - but watch it with the sound of the "wizard of oz" 26 Jun 11
"ur just an EMP blast away from me and Barney up the street eating your face" Your dog thoughts as you yell at him 25 Jun 11
if crooks call THE NEXT job the last one - would the ACTUAL last one go better? 25 Jun 11
Girl ever say this trying to hurt your feelings? "Ur just her dick in a glass case" & ur like - I MADE THE CASE! 25 Jun 11
If I say somethg funny about how somebody died & you say "thats not funny - thats how my my so & so died" - does that mean it wasnt funny or that your ass shouldnt be socializing yet? 25 Jun 11
Cherrios could just as easily be mistaken for a bowl of assholes 25 Jun 11
Y do old girlfrd want to be frnds - I was ur best frnd bitch - you think I give dick to just anyone?...well I would - but THEY DON'T LET ME!
Ed Johnson Presents: Edisms 22
24 Jun 11
cant bring myself to erase my saved episodes of "horders" 24 Jun 11
Ran into an old girl the other day - & it was that akward "oh ur still alive...that's great! " 24 Jun 11
Y do the black eye peas dress like extras from "back to the future part 2"? 23 Jun 11
Actual grew impatient w/ the 30 sec the microwave took 23 Jun 11
If there wasn't guilt attached to sex for women - p***y would have initials on the stock exchange 21 Jun 11
When people tell me I act like I don't like them - I tell them "I can't act" 21 Jun 11
When we eventually start paying for sh!t w our thumb prints - will they cut them off on declined accts? 20 Jun 11
Don't be the douche: that knows I'm frustrated bcuz I can't find somethg & u come in & ask "where'd you lose it?" 20 Jun 11
Don't be the douche: that after I've been waiting 4 a train 4 a 1/2 hr u walk up & after 3 mins start bitchin & asking me ques 20 Jun 11
fuck people who say "I'm my own worst enemy" - how fkin presumptuous are you to
Ed Johnson Presents: Edisms 23
believe you warrant an enemy - like ur batman or some shit 20 Jun 11
Hate zealots - from religon to politics or even just fans cuz ur that mom who's son has been found still murdering but u don't believe it 20 Jun 11
These cheerleading shows are dirty.....or is that just me? 18 Jun 11
Hate cooking for myself - never put any love in it 18 Jun 11
Michael Jackson apparently still in denial - new message surfaces quote: "I'm not dead that's silly - ur being silly" 17 Jun 11
Cautionary tale children - should u want to get ur day started on time - take heed of the amount of fiber eaten the day prior 17 Jun 11
Celebs stop naming kids after food spices & or weather patterns 16 Jun 11
Pet peeve of the day - when the camera in porn gets so close it starts to look like orthroscopic surgery - "oh look, she's pregnant" 16 Jun 11
Stop rebooting - instead of fkn w/ the 1st movie - reboot the reboot you were gonna do (yeh that'll keep em busy) (Lucas scratchs head) 16 Jun 11
Women should only speak depending on an mouth to ass ratio - the more ass the
Ed Johnson Presents: Edisms 24
less mouth - now wait - b4 u get mad - Kim Kardashian & Jennifer lopez 15 Jun 11
Why am I paying for hulu plus but have to watch commercials? 15 Jun 11
Next time u go to a strip club & if a stripper asks for ur name - tell her its tangerine - they shouldn't be the only ones that get to lie 15 Jun 11
I want to start a "make a wish" foundation but on a much smaller scale - like gettn ugly kids hookers 15 Jun 11
Movie idea
Tired of the tyrannical dictatorship - a coup is formed & over throws the regime in power.
Broken into two separate factions - they war over the grace of one woman.
Desperate - help is sought from the greatest of enemies.
THIS SUMMER
Micheal Bay will take you to a world you've never dreamed you see BLOW UP in:
MAD PAPA: Beyond SmurfderSmurf!
Hefty & Brainy lead a coup to dethrone Papa Smurf - but disagree on the direction of the village - they brake off into two separate tribes that battle for possession of Papa's bitch Smurfette - so he goes to the only man that can help Gargamel!!!!!
See Papa take back whats his in:
Ed Johnson Presents: Edisms 25
"MAD PAPA Beyond Smurfder Smurf"
He's come to chew smurf and smurf smurf- and he's aaaaalllllll out of Smurf!
THIS SMURF!
"Thank you Miami Heat" signed monologue writers for various late night talk shows 13 Jun 11
Apparently LeBron also took his inability to win to south beach as well 13 Jun 11
Don't cha luv how people thatve never done shit always know how to "fix" your shit? 13 Jun 11
Aren't u glad some fkers aren't famous anymore - like Sinbad, arsenio, ricki lake, jenny jones, jacke from 227...kanye... 12 Jun 11
I've got abs too - I'm just not a showoff! 10 Jun 11
Spackled on enough deodorant so i dont end up smelling like the guy i stood next to yesterday - smell actually gave me a peyote trip 10 Jun 11
Ok - its not possible I drop my phone this much - starting to think its suicidal 10 Jun 11
Evr wonder how much of ur bullshit facebook keeps on their servrs? Like do they have that post bout me making sandwich? R they savn that? 10 Jun 11
folks - if you know me you better than to send me church related function invites - big
Ed Johnson Presents: Edisms 26
G's got a restraining order against me - 500 feet @ all times 9 Jun 11
WEINERS WIFE IS PREGNANT - THAT Y SOAPS ARE GETN CANCELD CUZ U CAN'T WRITE THIS SHIT 9 Jun 11
they won't make elections digital b/c they're afraid of corruption - elections r already corrupt - I'm just aking u to make it easier to go 7 Jun 11
Protestrs that throw rocks @ soliders - thou I respect ur resolve - I reeeeallly don't know if you've thought that thru 6 Jun 11
rub one out - it can save a life 6 Jun 11
sorry but I've reached my cool cut off point - shit is forevr gonna b "fly", "dope" & yes "fresh" - ur not my "son" - ur my "boy" & his name is “puffy” not diddy 6 Jun 11
I think I need a shake up at my imagination's prog. director spot cuz my dream just bored the hell outta me 6 Jun 11
Apparently my toilet has decided today that its no longer taking anymore of my shit 5 Jun 11
Who feels sorry 4 the owners & plyr millionaires that can't agree on how to split billions - to play a game I playd for free in the street - "the light pole is first!" 4 Jun 11
Homeless crackhead couple - cant lose anythg more but the woman is STILL making guy’s life hell
Ed Johnson Presents: Edisms 27
3 Jun 11
I just saw the unthinkable - a shut down Conways - now I'm scared 3 Jun 11
Thk u tourist for ur patronage the city needs u - but can u dazed & confused c*******ers move to the side! 3 Jun 11
I want Bron to win a ring & shut up all u haters" SHUT UP! Y are you zealot fans dick ridin so hard - celebs could give a fuck about u 1 Jun 11
JUNE
legs so ashy - you'd think i'd been kickin Colombians 29 May 11
Kirstie Alley lobbies for bill eliminating cannibalism law (I know, I know - that was my last dig at Kirstie) 29 May 11
Gil Scott-Heron R.I.P. - he was 62 28 May 11
People r losing their minds cuz Pippen said Bron may be best of all time - while I commend him for finally removin MJs dick from his mouth to talk 28 May 11
Despite the NFL lockout Ed showed up for a workout 27 May 11
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LMAO! I just got why Puff N Stuff had huge bags under his eyes - his name was PUFF N STUFF - LMAO (sooo high) 26 May 11
Women always think men will chg - men think women wont 26 May 11
If Eddie Murphy made "bev hills cop" today it would be about an overwt cop that spoke to Armenian animals that snuggled coke 24 May 11
Show should be called "dog & her husband the bounty hunter" 24 May 11
Gonna fight to get to name my son Yaphet Kotto 24 May 11
Thk u halo for giving me a shoot people in the head and not go directly to jail option 24 May 11
Woman's "french mach-whatever-the-fuck" coffee sitting next to me smells so sweet I'm gonna get contact diabetes 24 May 11
Please don't let anything happen to this middleton kid - cuz If I have to sit thru another Elton John tribute I'm gonna blow my hd off 24 May 11
Why dont we delouse anymore? Im gonna open a spa where that will be one of the options - full & partial body delousing...yeah... 18 may 11
Wondering, why does the word monosyllabic have so many syllables? 17 May 11
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wish there was like a batting cages like thing w/ zombies where you could go & just bash heads in for $10 an hr - then it be real kool if ur boss got bit & u see him there!! (I need therapy - seriously) 17 May 11
Arnuld apparently "kindergdn copped" a feel of 1 of his staff mbrs & had a kid 10yrs ago - of course Maria left him in political time 17 May 11
Watchd a chick give her boyfriend that vacant "im only listening to your stupid, not funny story because I love you" look...looked very familiar. 17 May 11
just saw a fat guy having an enthusiastic conversation about a buffet...im just sayin - cliches exist for a reason...he seemed jolly too.. 17 May 11
Being a hooker must be like always being on "fear factor" evryday u have put somethg new & gross in ur mouth for money & prizes 13 May 11
If you watch "the voice" you are literally retarded 12 May 11
Idiot mother on GMA today gives her 8 yr old daughter botox to get rid of wrinkles b4 a pagnent 12 May 11
Ever worry bout dyin when ur sh!ts not straight - cuz I kno they just wont understand finding that MILF porn collection filed "MOFO" 12 May 11
Women better just pray that the smart guys don't build a robot that does what u can cuz that's gonna be a cold non-door gettn open for u day
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10 May 11
Apparently she CAN do bad all by herself Whitney goes into rehab - again? 9 May 11
THERE SHOULD BE A PUT UP WITH UR MOTHER'S DAY! 8 May 11
in true twitter stylie - "MILF" is trending 8 May 11
y is it that happy mother's day & happy mothers never happn on the same day? 8 May 11
CHEAP DATE? go to a movie then call ur girl on a cell w/ a front facing cam then sit & watch movie together- lol 7 May 11
"Did he just say "I know"?" ...dick." Leia 6 May 11
"He was only reattaching my legs R2 - I swear nothing happen!" C3PO 6 May 11
"Hey Chewie, She isn't wearin a bra." - "Hwruura" " - "what, she does not want you!? " Han & Chewie 6 May 11
"If it wasn't for me - he would be just another limp wristed politician - I do what needs doing" Dooku 6 May 11
"i'm not saying they arent cute -s'just that ever since these f-in ewoks showed up I havent stopped itching." Leia
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6 May 11
If you aren't celebrating #StarWarsDay by blowing up planets and kidnapping Princesses, you're doing it wrong. 4 May 11
Was watching "modern family" the Spanish woman that plays al bundy's wife is whoa! 2 May 11
HOLD UP - we finally kill the most wanted man in the WORLD & we dump his body in the FUCKN OCEAN!!!! C'MON! 2 May 11
Everyone sooo happy Bin Laden is dead but that douche is about to get 72 virgins! 2 May 11
Only reason Trump wants to run for pres is so he can say "he's not just a member..etc" 1 May 11
Guys who wear "Ed Hardy" shirts look like dudes about start dressing up like women 1 May 11
May
Holy shitty movies Batman - just watched “Salt” w Angelina Jolie 30 Apr 11
Somebody spilled water on Mariah Carey & now there r 2 more of them - thug rappers rejoice 30 Apr 11
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What kind of fkd up animal is allergic to LIFE - honestly whatve we done 2 ourselves u don't see lions popping claritins cuz it too flowery 30 Apr 11
Recording artist M.I.A. said something i thought was poignant "the internet has changed hands" 29 Apr 11
Allergies are a govt plot 29 Apr 11
Fuckn car alarm - when have u ever seen a cop stop to check out a car whose alarm had gone off 28 Apr 11
rain cleard the crowded streets - it was beautiful 28 Apr 11
Remember when Kirstie Alley was human? 27 Apr 11
PETA has asked for a boycott of the royal wedding for their mis-use of the singing birds aiding Catherine in gettn dressed 28 Apr 11
I don't want to be in ur mafia, made into a vampire, farm your ville or go to ur event that half way across the country - how bout sayin hi? 28 Apr 11
Had a dream after appt yester @ church where I was surrounded by nuns on rollr blades hitting me w hockey sticks screaming "she was only 16" ...hot right? 28 Apr 11
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It always worries me when I have clients @ churches - always worry about an alarm that might sound same as airports but this 1 will scream "evil" 27 Apr 11
The funny thing is you thought your cell ph WASN'T spying on you 26 Apr 11
raven simone looks weird thin 25 Apr 11
Oh ed that temper 25 Apr 11
this hmless dude has on the dopest kicks 25 Apr 11
Let's go Knicks - I STILL BELIEVE though - i have short term memory damge 24 Apr 11
isnt it funny that when your type facebook on facebook that squiggly red line that indicates mis-spelling still comes up 24 Apr 11
Socially conscience to me means staying awake at a party so that no one draws on ur face 24 Apr 11
Can't find a church willing to let me have a easter orgy / foam party 24 Apr 11
Oh CMON OLD LADIES ARE WEARING LEGGINGS NOW!?! 22 Apr 11
This dudes cologne is actually making me cough!
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19 Apr 11
Could "fugly" not also mean "funny ugly"? 19 Apr 11
See if I was smart I'd open a "black food" restaurant in a Chinese neighborhood - 19 Apr 11
I wanna just adopt a buncha asian kids & give them blk names like LaQueesha 19 Apr 11
Are u giving ur son a gd cum name? Samples: Hammer, Buck, God, Sweet Jesus or (this one could be tricky) DADDY 19 Apr 11
Sometimes I really think about having kids - but then I find the remote 19 Apr 11
I blame myself... for believing in you 19 Apr 11
If ur make-up looks like stucco from a gd 10 ft away it may be too much 17 Apr 11
got the attn span of an autistic kid during Wapner 16 Apr 11
Ever notice how much space music fills? 16 Apr 11
i Got chicken - anybody got a waffle they could spare? 16 Apr 11
Starting my own comic called “Middle-aged, normal, scuffling, dudes” - not nearly as cool sounding as “Teenage, Mutant, Ninja, Turtles” but from same place
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16 Apr 11
I'm gonna hire a fluffer to get me going right before pat downs at airports - that i'll pretend to be eager to get 15 Apr 11
dude's neck fat needs a support bra 15 Apr 11
I have to send me a reminder to make reminders about sh!t 15 Apr 11
Fight move #34 - Hit your opponent in the face w/ a fruit roll-up - they will be dazed & confuse by its sugary deliciousness - at which point you can run away... you're welcome 15 Apr 11
Almost dropped my sh!t (Cell) in the urinal like that stupid commercial I make fun of 14 Apr 11
Need a pair of bullsh!t sneaks but my "cool" won't let me buy skips 14 Apr 11
New show "how I met your mother before she became a bitch, ran off with my best friend & took everything in the divorce except u lil fucks" 10 Apr 11
The ball damaging Marcia's nose (The brady bunch) is a metaphor for oral sex 10 Apr 11
Wanna get a woman to talk about something she doesn't want to talk about? Tell her you don't want to talk about it 10 Apr 11
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Just finished up some much needed "manscaping" - went w a lovely Bonsai design 9 Apr 11
So Kim Kardashian is famous 4 being friends w/ or fking someone related to some1 famous - & you buy her sketchers 8 Apr 11
Watched a behind the scenes of “sucker punch” & it was just zack synder being told by his wife what's cool in an action flick 8 Apr 11
When I 1st heard about the "Micheal Jackson Experience" for Kinect I thought it was gonna be a very diff game 7 Apr 11
This dude mentioned to me how cool his co-workers were that pitchd in & got him a tank of gas & my first fkd up thought was "get a bike - you'd have to fewer people to be grateful to” 7 Apr 11
who's drunk, getting drunk, wants to get drunk, been drunk, thinking about being drunk, smells drunk, watching a drunk, drunk dreaming, drunk dialing or just drunk off their ass? 6 apr 11
I am paying attn - but ur cockeyed & I'm trying to figure out where to stand 4 Apr 11
Eve needs to start a show on Vh1 like Dr Drew's rehab show for all these wack chick rappers 4 Apr 11
ever have a friend so mad @ his ex U can't say nice shit about her - even thou he had his dick half of NY I can't miss Marys biscuits
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(that’s not a youthamism - she really could make gd biscuits 4 Apr 11
Pls tattoo me with an image a million other people have so I can be unique 4 Apr 11
Ever say this? "Its not small - its proportioned...if I were a pygmy w Gary Coleman disease" no? Just me? 2 Apr 11
Everytime I do laundry - I go there dressed like I shop at the "Haitian Nation" (yup! Going to hell) 2 Apr 11
Thk God its Friday cuz one more day & someone would've had to die 1 Apr 11
Damn cam on my laptop makes me feels like I'm being watched makes it very difficult to mast... nevermind 1 Apr 11
Saw that the guy that plays "Andy" on "the office" was on twitter & wondered if it were really him - but then thought "who'd PRETEND to be that guy?" 1 Apr 11
Random
Over masturbating = Oxymoron?
“fast food” neither of those statements are true
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If you manage to get that square peg into that round hole & she isnt complaining - the point is moot.
Cute is only cute until you hear the words boyfriend or girl friend
when women figure out that this is the way men are - kleenex stock will explode
Why is it that the people running the NEWS stand never know whats going on?
continuity is in consistent
endless forgiveness is a fools merry-go-round
any rotund man in red entering or leaving my home whether he be dropping off or picking up will be fired upon
women cheat less becuz penis is plentiful
Loves truth lay in lies - if i never lied to you it would mean i didnt care about your feelings
Men equate love to vagina - woman equate love to control
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Ed Johnson edjohnsonpresents.com [email protected] Facebook/EdJohnsonPresents @EJPNerdNews
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Ed Johnson Presents: Edisms