The Point News 4 H umor October 31, 2000 Top Ten Reasons Bug removed from Lars Ulrich’s a HaUowecn Rules Metallica drummer decides Napster is “all right;” apologizes for Kid Rock 10. Dressing up as Lars but then he started making all these solo BEN RICHMOND fans that were kicked off of Napster. I Ulrich staff writer realize now that all I was doing was alien appearances on MTV and cozying up to In a press conference held early today, ating our fan base through litigation. I Kid Rock. James and I thought that the 9. Spiking the jungle juice Metallica spokesman Lars Ulrich told the hereby call off the lawsuit on Napster and stress from touring had just gotten to him, 8. Being too hung over to so we left him alone to realize what he was press that he recently had surgery to re want everyone who was caught trading make it to your advising move a boll weevil from his large intestine Metallica’s songs to be reinstated. doing.” Kirk then pondered for a minute and spoke of his new take on Napster. Metallica was founded on its music being and said, “I guess a boll weevil nesting in appointment at 3:00 “Apparently while on one of the stops traded. Who would I be to rob other bands my intestinal track would make me a flam 7. Women dressed as ing p***k, too.” on the southern leg of the Re-load tour, a of their shot at the spotlight? I would also hookers boll weevil had entered my body while like to take this time to apologize Lars has been taking time off from work in the backstage area before a show. for Kid Rock. Had that weevil not to recover from the boll weevil surgery. 6. Dressing up as Public The bug had been slowly eating away burrowed itself inside of my ass, Ulrich told us abut his healing process Safety officers I would have realized that his saying, “It’ll take some time for the scars at my intestinal tract, causing me to 5. Trick or treating at the be an incredibly bitter human be music was that horrible, and also to heal, but it’s great to have that bug gone. ing and a real ass to my band- not have let him sample ‘Sad But It was like a terrible itch deep within my collegiate level takes on mates and fans,” Lars told True.’ I would like all Metallica anal column for a year and a half.” a new meaning fans who run into Kid Rock to Doctors had finally noticed the insect the Associated Press. He 4. Going as Catholic went on to add that he beat his f***ing head in.” during a routine physical. Doctor Samuel found the music software Fellow band mate Kirk Beckett of Mount Sinai hospital related school girls Napster to be, “an amaz Hammet offered his take on to the press his discovery of the bug, 3. Going as Ron Jeremy the whole Lars situation, “When I first noticed the boll weevil I ing leap forward in the way 2. No one can positively we listen to music.” explaining, “We were all turned to Nurse Stevens and remarked, Following the announcement, Lars went wondering what had happened to Lars. It ‘This man has quite a bug lodged up his identify you as “the guy on to apologize to all the Metallica fans on was like someone hit his a**hole switch. a * * i ’ ” that streaked Nurse Stevens replied, “Yeah, probably Napster, saying, “I would like to offer my First he started this whole lawsuit, which 1. Blow-Pop innuendo apologies to the thousands of Metallica we knew was going to hurt our reputation, a metal pole, too.” by Chris Carrea
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