Deardear Santamum
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DearDear SantaMum Edited by SAMUEL JOHNSON OAM Illustrated by SHAUN TAN Dear Mum_Press Proofs_2.indd 3 15/2/21 2:58 pm Published in Australia and New Zealand in 2021 by Hachette Australia (an imprint of Hachette Australia Pty Limited) Level 17, 207 Kent Street, Sydney NSW 2000 www.hachette.com.au 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Copyright © Love Your Sister 2021 This book is copyright. Apart from any fair dealing for the purposes of private study, research, criticism or review permitted under the Copyright Act 1968, no part may be stored or reproduced by any process without prior written permission. Enquiries should be made to the publisher. A catalogue record for this book is available from the National Library of Australia ISBN: 978 0 7336 4593 8 (hardback) Cover and internal design by Christabella Designs Cover and internal illustrations by Shaun Tan Typeset in Garamond Regular by Kirby Jones Printed and bound in Australia by McPherson’s Printing Group The paper this book is printed on is certified against the Forest Stewardship Council® Standards. McPherson’s Printing Group holds FSC® chain of custody certification SA-COC-005379. FSC® promotes environmentally responsible, socially beneficial and economically viable management of the world’s forests. Dear Mum_Press Proofs_2.indd 4 15/2/21 2:58 pm Contents A message from the editor ix Samuel Johnson 1 Hilde Hinton 9 Stephanie Alexander 10 Amanda Keller 12 Turia Pitt 14 Guy Pearce 17 Shane Jacobson 20 Richard Wilkins 23 David Astle 27 Vika and Linda Bull 32 Georgie Parker 34 Richard Harris 36 Rebecca Gibney 39 Arnold Zable 42 Favel Parrett 44 Mark Brandi 46 Lawrence Mooney 48 Jacqui Lambie 50 Brian Mannix 52 Elizabeth Tan 54 Christabel Blackman 56 Graeme Connors 58 Larry Emdur 59 Patti Newton 61 Dear Mum_Press Proofs_2.indd 5 15/2/21 2:58 pm Felicity Urquhart 64 Sophie Green 67 John Howard 69 Russell Morris 71 Michala Banas 73 Julie Koh 76 Jason Whateley 78 John Brewster 80 Rick Brewster 81 Jeremy Lachlan 82 Christie Whelan Browne 84 Naomi Simson 86 Matilda Brown 88 Luke O’Shea 90 James Muecke 93 Denis Walter 95 Colin Lane 97 Brian Canham 99 Fiona Scott-Norman 102 Peter Helliar 105 Harry Garside 107 Jane Gazzo 109 Jeff Jenkins 114 John Williamson 117 Sunny Leunig 119 Lehmo 122 Nikki Moyes 125 Rob Carlton 127 Amber Joy Poulton 130 Adam Spencer 133 Carolyn Creswell 136 Charlotte Guest 138 Amy Hetherington 140 Cassandra Thorburn 143 Dear Mum_Press Proofs_2.indd 6 15/2/21 2:58 pm Jim Moginie 146 Normie Rowe 148 Rhett Davis 150 Ben Mckelvey 152 Steve Le Marquand 153 Brooke Davis 155 Elise Elliott 157 Colleen Hewett 159 Rob Pegley 162 Greg Champion 164 Sue Camilleri 167 John Paul Young 170 Michelle Law 172 Marty Fields 175 Lyn Bowtell 177 Katie Little 179 Katrina Fong Lim 182 Clare Wright 184 Penelope Bartlau 186 Toby Truslove 190 Joanne van Os 192 Shannon Noll 194 Bev Killick 196 Damian Walshe-Howling 200 Tim Shaw 203 Gill O’Shaughnessy 206 Mary Anne Butler 208 Shellie Morris 210 Susie Youssef 212 Lech Blaine 214 Tim Hawken 217 Sam Mac 219 Acknowledgements 221 Dear Mum_Press Proofs_2.indd 7 15/2/21 2:58 pm A message from the editor All we need is love. At the centre of love is families. At the centre of families is mums. This collection of letters is dedicated to all the mums out there. Thank you for all the mumming. Samuel Johnson OAM Dear Mum_Press Proofs_3.indd 9 15/2/21 7:15 pm Dear Mum_Press Proofs_2.indd 10 15/2/21 2:58 pm Dear Mum You’ll perhaps consider me a little slipshod opening my letter this way. But it is my letter, and it is my opinion that this correspondence should begin with your words, for yours are so much better. Softball Match at the Tech School Frangar Chook Fuckerata Susie Babe Danger Fungoid Fool Anderson’s dick, you can’t find it, Pig’s ring Bullcrap Stick your arse behind the backstop and Shut yer mouth 1 Dear Mum_Press Proofs_2.indd 1 15/2/21 2:58 pm Four balls make a walk He stole the whole base Miss; Miss. We wanna go home Strike one for Fatty Over there This kid’s trying to kill me Murder you Fuck you Take it easy. I love that poem. I would love to write one back, but I’m a shit poet. It feels odd writing to you. I don’t know much about you really. I don’t know where or when you were born, or when you died. I don’t know your middle name or what colour you wore your hair. I thought you might be interested to hear what I do know of you though, for there is much you’ve missed. I lived above Dad’s second-hand bookshop for years. When I was fifteen, having abandoned my dreams of tennis, of Wimbledon, I started working at becoming a bohemian of considerable import. I didn’t know a great deal about poetry but I’d somehow surmised I wouldn’t be able to call myself a true bohemian if I didn’t sport at least a rudimentary grasp. I wore my beret, but it was starting to feel false. And so, in search of authenticity, I trundled down our rickety wooden spiral staircase into Dad’s bookshop and its poetry section. I found you in the first book I picked out – an anthology of Australian women poets published in the ’70s, called Mother, I’m Rooted. I picked it up because it had the word ‘rooted’ on the 2 Dear Mum_Press Proofs_2.indd 2 15/2/21 2:58 pm cover. I was fifteen; it figures. I opened the book square on ‘Softball Match at the Tech School’ and I was in at fungoid fool. You used your words bravely, leaving me giddy and confused. You put pictures in my head and made me laugh and then feel sad straight after. You captured me with your vivid wordplays and punctuated musicality. I hungered for more than your six poems in the anthology. I searched for you in the index of every other book in the section and found nothing. But I had a piece of you. And I could now attest to being a legitimate bohemian, having been so greatly moved by your lyrical dexterity. I donned my beret free of guilt, before taking my customary walk along the beach. To think. And smoke cigarettes. Because that’s what fifteen-year-old bohemians do. Over the years I’d hear talk of you. Sometimes I’d fossick and sometimes I’d happen upon it. Apparently, you went mad. Too much acid. By all accounts you found life a most dreadful and onerous undertaking, which I think I understand. Despite this, you held famed parties where you would invite the street urchins and the upper classes, just to watch the fireworks. I learnt that you believed in God most fervently, but I can only assume that you shared a tempestuous bond in light of your purported behaviour being so rarely in line with Bible principles. I heard you fed your preschool daughter LSD to open her mind. When you weren’t in the housing commissions you were in the institutions. They don’t exist anymore, you might be interested to know. I heard you reached for God when you got lost but he wasn’t there. In amongst it all, I’m told you had three kids and married a bloke and it didn’t work out. I heard that you loved him more than he loved you, and that it broke 3 Dear Mum_Press Proofs_2.indd 3 15/2/21 2:58 pm your heart. But I’m told there were lots of things that broke your heart. I’m told that you finally ended it after countless attempts. You don’t know this, and this is why I’m writing to you, but you came into my home when I was nineteen. Generally speaking, my memory is patchy, but I remember this day like no other and you feature in it most prominently. I was back for another stint above Dad’s bookshop, another effort to reshuffle my ruffled affairs. I had left the bohemian thing behind, realising that only wankers wore berets, and was dedicated to becoming a fully-fledged cynic. I was depressed because the world was like your poems, oddly enough. The one thing holding me together was family and, thankfully, I had care of my nephew Jonathon that day. Young Jonno had been tasked with some creative writing homework. He had to write a story. Dad had encouraged me to write stories from a very early age and he kept every story I ever wrote in his filing cabinet, hoping, as any old book dealer might, that his son would be the next Proust. Regardless, there was one story I had written, when I was about Jonno’s age, called ‘The Old Man and the Watermelon’ and I thought I might read it to Jonno in an effort to somehow inspire him, such was my hubris at that age. As I rifled through Dad’s filing cabinet, I came across a tab that read ‘Merrill’s Poems’. There you were again. My heart faltered. I couldn’t deal with it while Jonno was up. I sequestered the file in my room before finding ‘The Old Man and the Watermelon’ and reading it.