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The Near New York Times The Near New York Times "Democracy dies in snarkness." ISSUE #8 MAY 18, 2020 PRICE: 1 Lego DeathStar (NIB) Trump Siblings Frantically Warn Pence More Inside: ThatWASHINGTON- Oval Balancing Office atop Kushner. Floor “He kept Is bragging Nowabout stuff Lava he’s stacked couch cushions in the Oval doing in the Middle East and the virus. Area Mom Would Office, Eric and Donald Trump Jr. fran- Joke's on him, he couldn’t stay out of lava Have Favorite Kid If She tically warned Mike Pence that the floor for two seconds.” had become lava on Tuesday afternoon. Whereas some staffers expressed Could Tell Twins Apart “You need to climb on something so frustration with the bit, others insist it was Page The Third you won’t die,” yelled Eric Trump while less destructive than the siblings' Labor attempting to straddle two leather arm Day blanket fort. "Ben Carson got lost Punk Friends Decide chairs. in there long enough to have us worried," White House aides say the disrup- confided one West Wing intern. "We'd all Not to Form Band tive activity began as an attempt to slight prefer them balancing on a Jefferson bust to to Avoid Chance of their estranged brother-in-law, Jared another Supersoaker fight in the Solarium," Going Mainstream said Secretary of State Mike Pompeo. Mark Meadows, the president's Chief of Staff, expressed particular displea- sure with Eric Trump's commitment to character. "Everytime he touches the floor he starts shrieking and writhing, even in the middle of a briefing. When they played Cowboys and Indians he spewed ketchup blood all over Angela Merkel's formalwear." Page XVII At press time, the Trump brothers Eric claimed his "magic snorkel" let him breath were seen arguing over whether Donald Jr. Shipwreck Survivor lava, prompting further ire between the brothers. had immunity to lava because he was older. Wishes She Wasn't Stranded With Guy Indie Director Shows Protagonist Is Who Loves “Ozark” Quirky By Cueing Vampire Weekend Song Page Forthcoming LOS ANGELES- In an effort to portray his film’s protagonist as a "lovable outsider," Georgia Asks Residents independent film director Scott McKenna to Stop Documenting wasted no time in cueing a folksy Vampire Hate Crimes It Hadn’t Weekend song for the film's opening Planned on Prosecuting credits. The tune, “Cape Cod Kwassa Kwassa,” immediately painted the lead character as a quirky artist-type trying to juggle creativity and romance. “We were thinking about going with an MGMT song but didn’t want the character to come off as socially stunted, McKenna will only allow Kayla to be played by more like an affable misfit. It’s a fine Ellie Kemper, Zooey Deschanel or Emma Stone. line,” commented the director. Footage it all.” As mandatory research material, editors spent hours syncing the song with Page Firty Forve McKenna insisted his post-production team the exact moment the film's protago- spend hours listening to soundtracks from nist, Riley, realizes she slept through her "Juno," "Garden State," and "Perks of Being alarm for an important pitch meeting for Sean Hannity Points a Wallflower," among other indie darlings. her show about sock puppets. “We made Out Pandemic Started sure to have the cutesy bridge sync up with At press time, crew members were Only 61 Years After Riley hailing a cab while balancing all the assembling Kayla's room to look both cutesy Obama Born and disheveled to suggest she had some puppets on her leg, to show she’s just an Page 420/69 adorable thirty-something trying to have growing up to do. This is a news satire piece. All articles contained herein are fictitious. When actual figures or businesses are mentioned by name, the corresponding story is invented. In all other cases, any resemblance to actual persons, businesses or events is entirely coincidental. ISSUE #7 MAY 13, 2020 Teletubbies Erupt Into Sudden Top 10... and Horrifying Race War WUBSYVILLE- In an abrupt disrup- who has remained politically neutral. The tion to long-standing peace in the former war originated from disputes over Graduation Advice region, the Teletubbyland countryside the dominance of head triangles over head This year's graduating class earned some sappy, vague life was marred by outbreaks of violence as circles. lessons fair and square, so we've locals initiated a horrifying race war. Film crews for an ongoing reality listed our helpful tips below. Once considered a sanctuary series about the residents were evacuated of learning and communal living, by NATO peacekeepers mere hours before the Tubbytronic superdome quickly spiritual leader Laa-Laa began systematic Reach for the moon. If you miss, devolved into bloodsport on Friday as cleansing of the southwest communes. 10. at least you finally dropped acid. Teletubbies of four colors battled for "One second we're filming their flower racial superiority. festival with Rigby Rabbit and the next You miss 100% of shots you take Ethnographers say the violence I'm using Po's plush corpse to shield from 9. when you try to kill a ghost. is the product of months of build-up. mortar fire," quaked producer Maria Tensions began to simmer with Tinkly Andretti. Keep your friends close, Winkly's publishing of "Grievances War historians say they don't 8. and your priceless 1998 Against The Green," an inflammatory believe the violence can last indefinitely. "WomBart" Beanie Baby closer. pamphlet condemned by Po Purple in "I mean, there's only four of them. Should allyship with Dipsy Wipsy. be over pretty quick," wrote one expert. Do one thing every The end to tranquility in the Sun At press time, Dipsy Wipsy 7. day that arouses you. Baby Valley occurs on the 25th anni- appeared before Congress to plead for versary of peace accords signed between airstrikes against Tinkly Winkly's armed If you can't stand the heat, the four ethnic representatives overseen compounds, which recently achieved 6. by Noo-Noo, a sentient vacuum cleaner nuclear fusion. stop committing arson. The Teletubbies united in song, taken just before Winkly's siege of Friendship Mountain. 5. Give zero fucks and you'll bed thirty ducks. A door is just a window with 4. hinges you can't see through. Dick Cheney profited 3. off the Iraq War Don't cry because it's over. Cry 2. because the future is terrifying. 1. Live, laugh, love. J Point Counterpoint By: Harrison Weber By: Pixar Professional amateur fanfic writer Spends a lot of time animating kids' pelvises "I'm 100% certain Lightning "We've made it very clear McQueen has the smallest that Lightning McQueen is car dick of anyone in the well-endowed and Cars II "Cars" franchise and no one addresses this in full with will convince me otherwise." the Lightning McCream director's cut." ISSUE #7 May 13, 2020 Egyptologist Falls For Classic Banana Peel BoobyCAIRO- In an embarrassing Trap Whilewith Stupid," accompanied Exploring by an arrow. if you getPyramid too close. Sure, there's blunder documented by several Who knows how many doctoral candi- the occasional ceiling axe and blow of her colleagues, Egyptolo- dates stood next to these glyphs without dart wall but it's pretty humiliating gist Gwen Talmudge fell victim realizing they'd been goofed on?" to explain how the chamber door to a classic banana peel booby trap Historian Carl Lennox asserts made a big ol' fart sound, not you." while exploring King Rakhumaten's pharaohs used a number of anti-stooge At press time, Talmudge's tomb on Wednesday morning. devices to discourage graverobbers. team was seen scouring the burial Ms. Talmudge's pratfall is "The pyramids are littered with fake chamber for any idle rakes that the latest slapstick injury suffered dog poop and flowers that squirt water could be accidentally stepped on. by archeologists in Egypt's famed Many Egyptologists prefer to say the pyramids are cursed, rather than admit they got owned. crypts. Dr. Yusef Minaj made head- lines in February for unearthing an urn labeled "dry nuts" that actually contained several confetti snakes. Experts believe the number of professional explorers who've "been got" by the ancient architects is higher than data suggests. "We've recently found a number of hiero- glyphs that loosely translate to "I'm Marvel Cinematic Universe: Phase 19 (Sneak Peak) The NNYTimes got a first look at films slated for the MCU's "Phase 19." Check them out! Doctor Strange and the Freakiest of Fridays 2041 When Dr. Strange casts a spell that acciden- tally swaps Peter Parker and Tony Stark's bodies, the playboy billionaire gets a taste of teen angst while Brooklyn's beloved web-slinger battles alcoholism. From the producers of 17 Again. Marvel's Justice League 2044 After aquiring DC Comics in 2029, Kevin Feige reimagines the Super Friends as a family-friendly troupe of wise-cracking misfits, rife with PG-13 humor for all ages. Also Batman can kill people now. Hawkeye Goes Hollywood 2067 An aging Clint Barton no longer has the physique to barely be an Avenger. One ambitious screenplay and a ticket to Los Angeles later, Hawkeye will need to prove his wit's as sharp as his aim! Avengers: Kingslayer 2109 The Avengers assemble to kill God. Also slated: final theatrical release date for Marvel's New Mutants.
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