volume 6 - issue 6 - october 13, 2009 - uvm, burlington, vt

kelly macintyre

by maxbookman and leamclellan

organic butternut squash should arrive they don’t even have Cool Ranch Dor- he grim news was announced at 7:30 on within the next two or three days. His itos!” Saturday morning by nothing more than a explanation was ignored. His comments were met by screams of “I’m an orgolocalvore,” yelled UVM “lets compost that motherfucker,” which laminated card depicting a cartoon butter- student Willow Winters, as she repeatedly could be heard as far away as Mr. Mike’s. kicked City Market manager Mr. Treefel- He was subsequently beaten, mauled, and nut squash with a cute little smiley face. low in the balls. “Now where the hell hauled off to the compost pile. “No local organic butternut squash ternut squash could fundamentally rock am I supposed to get my local organic The Burlington police were about to today,” it read. Soon after, all hell broke the world of the City Market regular. butternut squash?” she screamed into his call the UVM police down the hill for loose. “I don’t especially like butternut painfully twisted face, “I might as well be backup when the crowd inexplicably Taylor Greenhood, a City Market squash, in fact, my kids hate it, but I back home on Long Island, you freakin’ dispersed. Only later did the reason for regular, says he was one of the first shop- bought it all the time anyway. Why? It idiot!” their departure come to light. It turned pers to see the sign. “Using my iPhone, was local and organic, and that’s all that One passerby tried to calm the angry out that sales from the Farmer’s Market in which can now send picture messages, by City Hall Park had undergone a sharp de- the way, I took a picture and immediately “I’m an orgolocalvore,” yelled UVM student cline without the presence of Burlington’s messaged my buddies who work down at environmentally responsible consumer the Intervale. They contacted the Com- Willow Winters, as she repeatedly kicked City scene. Although the outrage over the post Club, who contacted the EcoReps, loss of the local organic butternut squash and somehow the Moms for Sustainabil- Market manager Mr. Treefellow in the balls. was palpable, the urge to buy pricey local ity got word, and before I knew it, those “Now where the hell am I supposed to get my products directly from local farmers and bastards had a mob on their hands.” artists in a fun, friendly outdoor environ- For some Burlingtonites, shopping at local organic butternut squash?” ment was too strong to resist. City Market isn’t just a trip to the grocery Twenty minutes after the crowd had store: it’s a statement. From the certi- matters in my kitchen. I thought City mob by suggesting that they go down to disbursed, the once bloodthirsty City fied organic jalapeños to the fresh baked Market was on the same 100% post- Price Chopper on Route 7, where they Market Customers could be seen calmly artesian French bread from South Hero, consumer recycled page as me,” lamented could all get butternut squash for $1.75 munching their granola and sipping customers truly believe City Market re- Dorothy Sproutskey, president of Moms less per pound. “Besides,” he added, “as homemade root beer at City Hall Park. flects a commitment to saving the world, for Sustainability. the only supermarket within walking dis- Meanwhile, back at City Market, a late one Barbra’s Bakery Peanut Butter Puffin One disturbed eyewitness claimed that tance in Burlington, City Market doesn’t shipment of local organic butternut cereal puff at a time. With this attitude in he saw City Market manager Mr. Treefel- even carry a wide selection of low-priced squash had arrived in the back of a Ford mind, one begins to understand how the low trying to explain to the crowd that it everyday groceries like meats, frozen F-350 Super Diesel. g unexpected absence of local organic but- wasn’t that big of a deal, and that the local meals, and brownie mix. I’m pretty sure

advertise for your news reflections créatif stuffé club or organization with an update ice’d! cops and robbers the water tower. on honduras it’s effective, and we’re by ryanwaingortin by joshhegarty cheaper than the other guys. by bsage [email protected] Hi, First of all, it must be nice for the author to have apparently never needed money badly enough to become familiar with a redemption center. Secondly, the callousness with which this was written and published is disgusting. the water tower is supposed to be UVM’s “alternative news?” Give me a fucking break. Making a spectacle of homeless people and a dad trying to feed his kids isn’t edgy; it’s a pathetic display of privilege. “If there’s one thing I learned it’s that if I can give them some peace with my trash, if only for a little while, then any ninja is fine by me.” Oh wow, how benevolent of you, to realize that your trash can help the needy people. Why don’t you do some actual fucking work to make a difference?

-Liz with emilyhoogesteger PS: Not all homeless people are aluminum-can crazed lunatics...some of them are you know, Remember when people thought it would “normal people like you and me.” be great to have a president who speaks with clarity? As it turns out, that doesn’t Sometimes reading the water tower makes our readers want to get naked and fight the power. mean anything! It’s almost like today’s But most of the time, they just send emails. Send your thoughts on anything in this week’s issue media cycle is one big game of telephone... to [email protected] At a health care rally, President Obama says, “This plan would help millions of uninsured Americans.”…

with macsmith The Taliban The Taliban has just been Boston In a groundbreaking effort to …you, watching the news out of the caught mocking President Obama’s catch eyes with green building, Boston corner of one eye while you write your recent Nobel Peace Prize, which is stupid, has commissioned the construction of a English paper that’s due in an hour, text the water tower. considering the President could approve high rise that will feature green…algae your friend: “Yo, I think we’re all gonna uvm’s alternative newsmag another 40,000 troops to send to Af- slime on the outside of it. The building is get free health care.”… uvm.edu/~watertwr ghanistan. If this isn’t irony, I don’t know to be called Eco-Pod, but will most likely what is. Editorial Staff devolve into the Green Monster. Editors-in-Chief Mucus According to National Geograph- Max Bookman Herbert and Catherine Schaible have … “The government is handing out Lea McLellan ic, giant mucus-like blobs have become just been charged for the death of their medical care!” your friend yells to more and more common in the Mediter- son, whom they prayed for during the last everyone in the vicinity... News Editor ranean sea. They can be up to 124 miles 24 hours of his life. He was “ravaged” with Paul Gross long and can cause serious health defects. bacterial pneumonia and they couldn’t Although many believe this to be the figure out why. So instead of getting him Reflections Editor effect of rising sea temperatures, others treated, they prayed for him. The charges Molly Kelly-Yahner believe it’s because James Gandolfini was …which happens to include that ornery were dropped when it was discovered the old man up the road, who hasn’t bought shooting snot rockets off of the deck of family didn’t have health care anyway. Créatif Stuffé Editor his Italian Villa last month. new clothes since 1963 and thinks the Alex Townsend government faked the moon landing. He ads, “The government is Humor Editor rationing healthcare” to his list of Mac Smith conspiracy theories. Managing Editor with paulgross Alex Pinto “I will accept this award as a call to action.” Copy Editors -President, and now Nobel Laureate, Barack H. Obama. Apparently the Norwegians …which he proclaims to anyone he Amy Goodnough hadn’t heard that Obama-mania is over, and decided to award the most high-profile Jen Kaulius meets, including the UPS delivery guy, prize in the world to someone who, actually, has done very little for peace. Then again, who Twitters, “Oh shit, I just heard the the award has been given to Yasser Arafat, Henry Kissinger and Al Gore. More like the government has total control over our Online Editor Nobel “We think you’re a pretty chill guy at this moment in time” Prize. Anthony Sweet lives.”…

Staff Writers “This has to be seen “I have great affection for Jelena Aleksich through.” her.” Emily Arnow -Hillary Clinton, being a badass Secre- -John McCain, remarking on former Juliet Critsimilios tary of State (as has, somewhat surpris- …which is read by his 36 followers (who running mate, Sarah Palin, and the knew UPS guys were so popular?) all of Henry Kellogg ingly, become the norm for her), and tensions that supposedly plagued their Colby Nixon taking the first step to ending the one whom post campaign. McCain admits that he could “OBAMA = COMMUNISM!” Olivia Nguyen hundred-year tension between the Turks not trust Palin all the time, but still stands Bridget Treco as their Facebook status… and Armenians. The Turks still haven’t by his decision to try to make a woman Art Staff admitted to the Armenian genocide, who doesn’t read the newspaper the Art Editor but the two countries are now officially second most powerful person in the Kelly MacIntyre diplomatic allies, much thanks due to world. Thank god he’s not president. Ms. Clinton. At least someone in this …which makes its way onto protest signs, Staff Artists administration is bringing change we can which make their way to Washington in Mike Cappuccio believe in. “He just ran from the police, the hands of angry protesters, who make Aaron Lopez-Barrantes then decided to come back.” it on to the news… Victoria Reed -A Georgia police officer, commenting Danielle Vogl “I will end ‘don’t ask, don’t on the arrest of hip-hop superstar Soulja Boy Tell’em. Soulja Boy and 40 of his clos- Layout Team t e l l ’.” Matt Carralero -Obama, to a gay rights group. I’ll believe est friends were at an abandoned house …which makes you, watching cable news Megan Kelley it when I see it. in the Atlanta suburbs, doing something while you drink your morning coffee, say, Emily Schwartz nefarious when the police showed up. “Communism? Lots of kids ran, but Soulja Boy came Didn’t see that coming!” Publicity Staff back about 20 minutes later to get his car. Megan Liamos Clever. He was arrested for obstruction of Carly Schwer justice.

the water tower is UVM’s alternative newsmag and is a weekly student publication at the University of Vermont in Burlington, Vermont contact the wt. read the wt. join the wt. Our generation stands at a crossroads. As we walk through a world ever connected Letters to the editor/ B/H Library - 1st Floor New writers and artists to a thunderstorm of news and reflection, we risk losing the ability to think for General email Davis Center - 1st Floor Entrance are always welcome ourselves. the water tower is for us non-thinkers. We provide witty and sometimes [email protected] Davis Center - Main St. Tunnel Weekly meetings outlandish opinions so that you don’t have to come up with them yourselves. We can’t Editors-in-Chief: L/L - Outside Alice’s Café Tuesdays at 7:00pm promise that you will agree with everything that we say, but you will respect the te- [email protected] Mill Annex - Main Lobby SGA and Student Orgs. Office nacity we have to say it. Every once in a while we will generate something that is truly Advertising: Redstone Campus - Simpson Hall Davis Center - 3rd Floor thought provoking. We are the reason people can’t wait for Tuesday. [email protected] Waterman - Main Lobby Or send us an email We are the water tower. Online - uvm.edu/~watertwr by bsage

Tensions seem to finally be on the decline in Honduras, the Latin Ameri- by melaniekartzmer can nation which has been without When it comes to sex scandals in the its president, Manuel Zelaya, for over Not that these politicians don’t have role of marriage? three months after he was deposed in a political world, we’ve seen it all. Every- thing from prostitute rings, to Argen- models. JFK and Clinton were having What is it about people in a position conservative military coup back in June. flings with countless women. However, of power that entitles them to feel like The coup, which was executed with sup- tinean lovers, and even lewd conduct in an airport bathroom. It is amazing that in JFK’s time, it was the social norm for they are invincible or exempt from basic port from both the Honduran army and this not to be exposed to the general pub- moral code? There are a few possibili- Supreme Court, came about as a result the people running our great country, and under close media watch, feel they lic in addition to the lack of a 24/7 news ties. Powerful positions draw people with of Zelaya’s support of liberal Venezuelan cycle. For Clinton, it was more accepted big egos. They need their egos to drive leader Hugo Chavez, as well as allega- can get away with stuff like this. In the generation of YouTube, video and camera as part of his character, and clearly for- them to be successful despite bumps in tions that he was attempting to modify given by the general public as reflected by the road they may face on the way to the the constitution in order to eliminate the phones, and Twitter, let’s be honest-- one term limit on presidential power-- you’re going top. The problem something Zelaya denies. With nothing to get caught. “In the generation of YouTube, video and camera could also be basic in the Honduran constitution concerning But it looks temptation, a sin impeachment, the coup leaders decided like politicians phones, and Twitter, let’s be honest - you’re going to that has plagued to simply take Zelaya into custody and aren’t the only humankind since send him into exile in Costa Rica. The ones having get caught. What is it about people in a position of Adam and Eve. Honduran National Congress then voted trouble staying Constantly be- “unanimously” to elect Roberto Mi- faithful. power that entitles them to feel like they are ing surround by cheletti, president of the congress, interim Last week, people who will president of the country, though many of the latest invincible or exempt from basic moral code? do just about any- Zelaya’s congressional allies were forced affair thing to get ahead to abstain from voting. isn’t linked to a philandering politician. his high approval rating. But are affairs or are just attracted to power clearly takes Meanwhile, Zelaya maintained his In fact, it was none other than late-night becoming part of our cultural norm? its toll. What will it take for people to just international diplomatic recognition as comedy host David Letterman. He has The Letterman scandal will blow over keep it in their pants?s president of Honduras, and attended con- admitted to having sexual relationships and be forgotten before the next story On his show last night Letterman ferences such as the Summit of Central with female staff that work for him on strikes. Our country is becoming jaded joked, “Did your weekend just fly by? I’ll American Presidents on June 30--just The Late Show. Letterman has made it by the immoral and questionable actions be honest with you, right now I’d give two days after being overthrown. In July, clear that these incidents were in the past, of the people in the spotlight. When I anything to be hiking in the Appalachian he made multiple attempts to return to and he currently is not involved with any hear about politician or celebrity cheat- Mountains.” If only it were that easy. g the country, but each one was thwarted of them. ing on spouses, I don’t freak out. I don’t by the interim regime. He stayed in exile We’re all human, and we all make debate with friends on what should hap- throughout August, though he remained mistakes. But there is a trend occurring pen. In fact, a more common response is very much in the public eye by often that we can’t ignore. Cases of adultery by a shrug of the shoulder and a “what else is talking to the press and trying to increase leaders and celebrities have skyrocketed. new?” Have we accepted the un-sanctity his celebrity, but then stunned the world in late September when he appeared in the Brazilian embassy in the Honduran capital of Tegucigalpa. Following Zelaya’s return, Micheletti issued an emergency decree which shut down two radio sta- tions loyal to Zelaya, limited freedoms of travel and speech, and outlawed gatherings of more than twenty people. by maxbookman The army also surrounded the Brazilian In an August 2009 Wall Street Journal This view, conventional wisdom ception of government dysfunction and embassy and remains there today, though article, former Bush speechwriter William among moderate Republicans is flawed inaction leaves a bad taste in the mouths it seems the situation is moving toward McGurn analyzed the sinking support because it incorrectly assumes that if of the American public far worse than the resolution. among Americans for President Obama’s President Obama moves to a center-right taste of an unpopular policy specific. policy agenda and concluded that the policy platform, Americans will be more For example, the current healthcare “Dictatorial douche only way for Mr. Obama to salvage his likely to support it, and the gap will close. debate has been so ill-received by the fledgling presidency is for the White The reality is that Americans never public because it dislikes the level of bag Micheletti has House to shift its support towards more want to be caught up in policy specifics - exposure to policy specifics it has been center-right policies. left, right or moderate. made subject to. If a majority of Ameri- lifted the emergency Yeah right. A closer look at polling data demon- cans support healthcare reform, then the Indeed, polling data does clearly strates that there is widespread dis- president must focus on passing health- decree, saying that demonstrate that for every critical issue agreement among Americans regarding care reform. By bringing the public into ‘there is peace’ in that the president proposed tackling in specific policy options. Time and again, the debate on specifics, the President has his 2008 campaign, there is now a sizeable a sizeable majority of Americans agree invited those who agree on that broad Honduras now.” gap between support for addressing the that something must be done, but within level to devolve into enemies. This would issue and support for the specific policy that majority exists a spectrum of opinion not change if the president moves to the objectives aimed at addressing the issue. on how that something should be done. right, as McGurn suggests. President Americans agree that the economy Washington is the only place where a Obama is far better suited to the task of To begin with, the selfish and dictato- must be fixed, but only 36% believe binary left versus right ideological battle staying above the fray of arguments over rial douche bag Micheletti has lifted the the president’s specifics. His emergency decree, saying that “there is stimulus plan ability to orate peace” in Honduras now. It is clear the will be effective “If President Obama is to salvage his presidency, in high plati- thug Micheletti is now realizing that in the future. A his best bet is not to move to the right on policy tudes was what neither the Honduran people nor the whopping 97% initially drew the international community recognize him identify big prob- specifics – it is to avoid them all together. “ public to support as anything more than the bully that he is. lems with health- him. If some- He is simply trying to save face and avoid care in the United States today, but just thing – anything greater punishment when his short and 44% approve of the president’s handling is being waged – there is a nuanced spec- – gets passed, the president will be back illegal stint in power is ended. There is of healthcare. A strong majority, 64%, trum of disagreement everywhere else. in the territory he is most comfortable more good news though, for the Organi- answer affirmatively when asked if global While those who are already writing the in, speaking broadly about the success zation of American States is due to broker warming poses a serious threat to the president’s obituary are happy to see the of a broad policy goal. Besides, any negotiations between Zelaya’s camp and United States, but only 28% favor making gap in support for Mr. Obama’s policies healthcare bill that becomes law would the interim government this week, and major changes to American living habits as evidence of a different, more popular take years to actually go into effect, and Micheletti has indicated that concessions in order to help protect the environment. way that he has neglected to follow, that years after that before its tangible effects could be made to Zelaya: “If there are Mr. McGurn believes that this type of mythical popular way does not exist. could be evaluated by the public. In the transparent elections in the country and data shows that President Obama has vast There will always be a gap. meantime, the president would be able to we elect a new president,” said Micheletti, public support for addressing broad is- More shrewd advice would implore flaunt that something has been done on “we can talk about any scenario, any solu- sues, but has just been making the wrong the White House to do whatever it takes an issue that is of major concern to the tion.” choices on the specifics. He seems to as- to get Congress to pass specific policies American people. If President Obama is The elections he is referring to are sert that there is as a popular center-right that address the issues Americans are to salvage his presidency, his best bet is scheduled to be held next month, but the way to address the issues and an unpopu- concerned about, regardless of the level of not to move to the right on specifics – it is international community, as it should, has lar lefty way, and that Mr. Obama has public support, which is likely to be low to avoid them all together. g said it will not recognize the results of any been unfortunately betting on the latter. no matter what. This is because the per- election held under the Micheletti regime, for the military has even admitted that it would be “difficult or impossible” to -ac antics while in exile have often appeared cept a liberal government, and the regime to be aimed at getting personal attention edit/undo has assassinated multiple supporters of rather than doing what is best for the Zelaya since it came to power. To call an nation he claims to still be president of. last week’s article titled election run by the current administra- Ultimately, neither side really seems to tion democratic would be an insult to the have the best interests of the Hondurans word, and it is the responsibility of the in mind; the only way that the Honduran stuck inside washington world’s nations not to aid the current ille- people will get the government they want with the hollywood blues again gal government. What to do about Zelaya and deserve is through a new, legitimate is more complicated, however; while the election with oversight from the interna- interim regime has definitely done some tional community. Otherwise, Honduras was written by very unjust and illegal things to both him is likely doomed to a government of and his allies, it is fairly apparent that he corruption and tyranny for a long time to was trying to manipulate democracy to come. g Brian Coffill selfishly extend his reign as president. His by julietcritsimilios w hile you may have passed the big by ryanwaingortin yellow truck that houses Pam’s Deli and awaits UVM customers every day, the inside may not be so familiar. the water tower went to see who was behind the breakfast sandwiches and lunch subs that fuel students day in and day out, so we interviewed Pam of Pam’s Deli herself. Pam has been here forever. She’s been working at UVM with her husband George since she was 23 years old, and takes great pride in that fact. It wasn’t al- ways her and George serving kids, either. When they were younger, UVM students helped them out. “When I first started at UVM it was more like friends I was working with. Now I’m more like a moth- er to you guys. You’re my children’s ages,” she explains. Nowadays, she says, “That’s one thing about my business: the kids that come to me are kind of regulars so I get to know them a bit. I got a box of tis- sues. I handed out orange juice and gave health advice. Drink liquids!” Although she likes being a mother figure, she says that when she was younger she felt like her relationship with students was “more “Pam has been here so long, it almost personable” and she tries to maintain that close relationship with the customers she seems unfair that her business has been has today. Justin King, a freshman, agrees with the importance of such a relation- ship: “It’s about the friendliness. The food affected by the Davis Center.” is amazing, but anyone can make food. It’s the friendliness that matters most.” Those customers, however, seem to We have so much competition and no-one has be in short supply this year, probably a lot of cash right now. The Cat Scratch. The because so many us have had to cut back meals plans. All of that has affected us.” because of the economy. “We’re kind of In comparing Pam’s to the other meal stressing out about business itself rather options we have on campus, its makes more than feeling how nice it is to be up here. sense to stop over and see her. Even though

magine waking up in the morning amusing if one were to lower a Smirnoff afteri a long night of drinking, feeling like in front of someone’s face from the roof of a Boeing 757 just collided with your fore- a house using a fishing pole? How about head while the room is spinning faster if a person near and dear to you were to than a cheap carnival ride, only to wake send you a package containing one of up next to a Smirnoff Ice malt beverage these unpleasantly sugary drinks? The by jelenaaleksich (yes, the one that is basically an alcoholic possibilities are endless, and the more soda) deliberately placed next to your creative and ingenious, the better. here’s a new epidemic in town and warmer. In reality, this will most likely pillow. For most people, the thought of However, there are a few very impor- it’s spreading faster than Swine Flu. The not be an athlete. There are a few excep- having another drink would make their tant guidelines to keep in mind when allure of the sports athlete has always tions, where you may become the happy stomachs recoil in horror. Now imagine playing the game of Icing. Most notably, been one of the more tempting things in trophy wife, or the muggle BFF, but this having to get down on one knee and chug a person can only be Iced if he or she has a college student’s life. Is it their rock hard is a pretty rare occurrence. You’ll only bodies? Their success? Or their multi- benefit yourself in the future if you try tude of battle wounds that you just want your hardest to resist this enticing desire. “The more clever and cunning the to massage all over? Most are not able There are those tenacious individuals who to know because they somehow always do not fall victim to this condition and Icing, the better. Hell, buy the manage to be treated like gods...at least this may be no concern to them. Howev- during their college experience. er, it’s only reasonable for most of you to grossest flavor you can find (Grape).” The same phenomenon happens: new not have that much self-control because freshmen and sophomores have marked we all have that one friend who succumbs their territory. Girls surround each of the to this condition. athletes and create a posse of worship- The first step is to try having 10 shots instead of 15, because you’ll actually the hell out of that Smirnoff Ice right on clearly expressed consent for participa- ers. Every team has their own group that serves as the personal carnal crew. All of remember your night and not throw the spot. For you, my friend, have just tion. Conversely, Icing someone implies a yourself at the first person wearing a been Iced. This is only one of the many desire to participate, and thus automatic these lacrossetitues, hockey hoes, bas- ketball bitches, and soccer sluts have one jersey. The slightly better lucidness will instances where you may find yourself consent. In other words, if you Ice some- help you see that the guys aren’t as cool on the off-putting side of the game that is one, then you are vulnerable to an Icing thing in common: jock addiction. This may come in many forms, but if you seem as you really thought they were and you’ll called Icing. and must oblige if Iced. Otherwise, there also realize the plethora of competition Icing was introduced to my house- is no Icing people who have not expressed to be constantly surrounded by people in the athletics department, that’s when you that comes along with this fantasy. It’s a mates and me by a student from St. Law- a desire to participate. Furthermore, a vicious cycle that only gets worse during rence University, where the ill-behaved person cannot be Iced with the Smirnoff know you have been hit by the lure of the athlete. their in-season. Post-celebratory games game originated. The rules are fairly Ices that he or she purchases, only others are the most dangerous because we all plain: if you encounter or are presented can be Iced. This pleasingly juvenile game You may be a sports slut without even realizing it! A few general symptoms know (including the players) that they’re with a Smirnoff Ice malt beverage, then can be costly and getting Iced by a bever- all guaranteed a shag that night, whether you are obligated to get down on one age that you purchased would be like include the following: 1. Extreme difficulty not looking at team they won or not. knee and down that sucker right then and spending money to Ice yourself. Just like their “bro-tastic athletes” there, no matter when it is or where you People all over campus are indulging rosters 2. Inactivity and withdrawal from RK’s reputation, most of these may ridicule are. You are not allowed to rise until you in the hilarity that is Icing, but be mindful you in one session of their locker room have completely consumed the contents of the rules and guidelines, for there has (regular kids) 3. Trouble not acquiring multiple fren- talk. They’ll even use the same ways to of the bottle. Even if you get Iced in the to be some boundaries in the game to describe their bedroom adventures with middle of the first floor of the Bailey- keep it interesting. The more clever and emies who also have this ailment 4. Lack of energy to do anything but you in sports language; with words like: Howe Library you absolutely have to cunning the Icing, the better. Hell, buy slam, rail, slay, and beat it up. Their sport, suffer the consequences of being Iced in the grossest flavor you can find (Grape). show up to sports games, tailgates, and practices. as well as the many bromances that come front of everybody. While you’re at it, throw it in the freezer as a result, is probably their sole purpose While the rules of the game seem for a bit so the unfortunate victim who 5. Fantasies of scoring with at least five athletes…on the same team in life. simple, Icing requires cleverness and has to chug it will writhe in pain from se- With the exact cause of this addiction creativity. Anyone can just hand one of vere brain freeze. So if your buddy hands If you have at least two of these symp- toms for a minimum of three weekends, unknown, it is hard to have a solid way of their friends a Smirnoff Ice and make you a cold, grape Smirnoff Ice before your dealing with the issue. Limiting yourself him or her drink it as the rules require. 8:00 A.M. final, you better get down on then you have Fanatic Athlete Syndrome. However, it is treatable and usually opti- to the athletic elite results in short-lived But wouldn’t the game be much more one knee and pound that thing before entertainment, where you bang out your your professor sees you, because you have mistic for complete recovery. Firstly, it’s g already getting colder so you may want to guilt. So the next time you walk by those just been ICED! chiseled abs and cocky smirks, try to keep start considering settling for that “special” g someone who will make the long winter it in your pants. We slice our meats daily, we pick up our breads daily. We grow our own tomatoes,” and all the rest of their produce is locally grown and shipped by their distributor. by daviddouglas While Pam claims the turkey bacon is her favorite, people rave about the strollers, bagels, and bacon-egg-and-cheese. Kath- leen Truax, of UVM’s very own history ebuting at the Toronto International department, agrees: “I like the Italian d lier this year “The Voyage that Shook the Film festival this year is not a Canadian World”, a documentary commissioned Strollers. And everything is so fresh and film but a British film that has stirred up yummy.” by Creation Ministries International, a a long simmering controversy in the US. Christian film group, in celebration of Pam has been here so long, it almost No, not Racism or National Healthcare, seems unfair that her business has been Darwin’s 200th birthday, premiered. De- or Twitter vs Facebook… Give up? spite its neutral tone and unbiased name, affected by the Davis Center. Evolution. “The whole time the Davis Center was the film falls short of the moral and cul- A little film called “Creation”, staring tural high ground and instead dives right being built, we wondered ‘Oh, gee, how is Paul Bettany, Jennifer Connelly, and di- that going to affect us?’ And unfortunate- into the petty cluster fuck that is also rected by Jon Amiel, probes the life of the known as right wing politics. Three his- ly it has, which is no one’s fault. It’s just 19th century naturalist and father of progress. Our price reflects the tax which torians were interview by the filmmakers is already 11%, and we still think we’re vanessa denino cheaper than the Davis Center.” While the “Wake up America! It’s 2009 and we’re Davis Center hurts them, nothing warms their hearts more than appreciation from still having this debate in our country? students. “I know the students that we had [working with us] when we first Who knew evolution was still such a started off. Their kids are coming back “Pam has been here so long, it almost now and they say. ‘Oh my mom ate here.’ hot topic?” I get that a lot. It’s rewarding.” seems unfair that her business has been Something that is such a UVM staple the theory of evolution, Charles Darwin, masquerading as Fathom Media, a front should be recognized for its great food as he reconciles with his religion and wife company to Creation Ministries. The his- and student-proclaimed friendliness. after the death of his 10-year-old daugh- torians, Peter Bowler, Janet Browne and affected by the Davis Center.” With local food prepared fresh, and a ter Anna. This is not a movie about how Sandra Herbert, accused the filmmak- satisfied appetite, Pam truly trumps her much cooler biologists are than evangeli- ers of “distorting” their comments and competitors in all respects. Going into cal preachers, or how “The Origin of Spe- “twisting” their views. To which Phil Bell, your wallet instead of reaching for your cies” is a better seller than the Bible. It is CEO of Creation Ministries said, “Well, Pam’s Deli only takes cash, they’re conve- Cat Card is likely to save you money it could be called deceptive. But I think, niently located in-between most class build- an emotional film about a tortured soul, and give you great, unprocessed, fresh just like “The Passion of the Christ” only at the end of the day . . . more people are ings, so you don’t have to jog all the way to the food. Pam’s is a delicious win-win for all concerned about how we’ve made a docu- Davis Center. Their food is awesome-- and without all of the kinky whipping. UVMers, as well as a tradition that should Wake up America! It’s 2009 and we’re mentary, that’s a world-class documen- local. “With me, unfortunately it’s cash only, be supported for years to come. g tary, clearly with wonderful footage, with but you get fresh eggs, not the powdered form. still having this debate in our country? Who knew evolution was still such a hot excellent interviews, and balanced open topic? Apparently these people did. Ear- discussion.” Is evolution really worth it? What does “Evolution” give us that “Intelligent Design” lacks? Evolution explains why there are fossilized monsters beneath our feet that await the day we foolishly try to by ginamastrogiacomo resurrect them as our pets or for theme parks based on movies starring Jeff Gold- blum and then they will strike when we his week in the Davis Center, you may for and ordered by the federal govern- best thing, UVM says, that a student least expect it and at the most ironic time. have noticed the flu shot tables that have ment, the same people who are paying for diagnosed with H1N1 or with any flu-like However, what about things evolution gone up. How could you not? The woman its distribution and accompanying mate- symptoms can do is just to stay out of cannot explain like miracles, compound working Table One all but plunged the rials. (AKA – incredibly scary needles.) close contact with others. (Excuse not to eyes, women, and rubix cubes? The good needle into my arm while trying to pass While September is normally reserved go to that two hour lecture? I’ll take it.) thing about science, and the universe, for through - Lady, don’t come between me for apple picking and general freeness of How can such a large vaccine be traced? that matter, is that it doesn’t care what and my sushi rolls, alright? Or maybe Fall Spirit, this past month has seen more Harvard Medical School scientists have you believe in. Science doesn’t need your you’ve seen the “Flu Kits” for sale at Cat flu activity than ever, spreading over 26 created databases of large insurance com- faith or your hearts, just your eyes to see Pause? (Paper bags with the labels taped states so far. Dr. Frieden says that the panies that cover up to 50 million people its natural wonders. It is scary to think on? What do these kits really entail -- it regular flu shots, those currently being with registries of those who have been that some of our most powerful politi- looks like a bagged lunch!) But how long peddled on campus, will not prevent vaccinated and have gone to see a doctor cians are caught up in this furor that has will it be before the following that vac- swept through the nation. Meanwhile vaccine we’re really “‘There’s not a better way of transmitting germs than cination appointment. outside the perky tits of the North East concerned about, At Johns Hopkins and the plump, firm, meaty buttocks of the Swine Flu one, is packing hundreds of young people into poorly University, they are the West Coast, the rest of America is made available? ventilated party rooms, sharing glasses, playing beer using e-mails to track constricted into a Bible-Belt corset, where This past Friday, their patients and how not everyone is as liberal and open-mind- the director for the pong and kissing,’ said Dr. James Turner.” they’re feeling. If there ed as the kind folks that you see every day Center for Disease is a possible connec- at UVM and you may have to deal with Control, Dr. Thomas R. Frieden, is- H1N1. tion to Swine Flu, researchers contact the one of these “non-believers”. Or you may sued his first statements about vaccine What can college students do in the infected with detailed follow-up ques- find yourself surrounded by infidels who distribution saying that they would be “a meantime? Unfortunately, it may require tions. reject the gospel you take so lightly for little bumpy.” Doctors should expect to putting down your shot glass. So this shot is FDA approved, and will truth. Some people will try to reconcile receive the first rounds of the vaccination “There’s not a better way of transmit- apparently go to work 8-10 days after the two, and some assholes will goad you by October 6. Just what sort of packaging ting germs than packing hundreds of administered. But because it won’t be into debates and temper tantrums over can we expect on such a product? Well, young people into poorly ventilated party available until later in October, for now the controversial issue just to spread their while I personally was hoping for some- rooms and sharing glasses, smoking the University is encouraging students to own message and get you all hot and thing with Dora the Explorer on it (don’t materials, playing beer pong and kissing,” at least get those seasonal flu shots in the bothered. pretend you don’t love getting bandaids said Dr. James Turner, president of the Davis Center. They’re $15, can be charged “Creation” has garnered positive like that at the doctor!), according to the American College Health Association. to your student account, and will be reviews from film critics at the Toronto director it will look more like FluMist Dr. Turner estimates that a little more available on Wednesdays and Thursdays. film festival and as of September 21st has nasal spray. than 13,000 students have experienced It’s not much, but it’s the best that we’ve found a distributor in Newmarket Films Cool, I’ll take spray over a shot any flu-like symptoms over the past month. got for now. In the meantime, to avoid according to Variety Magazine. The film day! However, the spray has limits to how But health officials are apparently no lon- being cast in some horrible camp film like will be coming to theaters this Decem- it can be used and who can use it. Infants ger testing every sick student, so deter- “Swine Flu Goes To College”, basically just ber, so expect a slew of articles about the under 2, adults over 49, pregnant women, mining what is flu and what is Swine has avoid sharing the ever-hallowed plastic controversy around the holiday season. and anyone with pre-occurring health become increasingly difficult. cups at parties, and try to get your seven Newmarket Films, as some of you may re- problems are advised not to receive this To put the fear of God in you, two hours in sometimes. You can never really member, released a little snuff film called version. ...Guess my mom is getting Swine students have died from the Swine Flu get the medical records of the guy or girl “The Passion of the Christ” ... I guess the Flu? thus far, one at Alabama’s Troy University that you make harried and uninformed two theories, Evolution and Intelligent No fear - an injectable vaccine will and another at Cornell University. So far decisions with on Friday or Saturday Design, can co-exist regardless of what be made available in mid-October. But this year, we’ve only had one mass e-mail nights, but as we enter into cold and flu some people may say. g don’t expect it to last too long. With over invade our inboxes telling us of one poor season, I know I’ll be walking to Church 90,000 distribution locations to reach, Dr. soul officially confirmed with the illness Street with a newly purchased bottle of Frieden predicts shortages. Unlike the this year, though there have been several Purell in my purse. Will it actually help regular flu vaccine, the Swine Flu vaccina- students sent home to recoup and recover fend off H1N1? Who knows. Just stay tion is not purchased by doctors; it is paid with similar suspicious symptoms. The clean, rested, and well-informed. g someone on campus catch your eye? overheard a conversation in b-town? has anything ever happened to you couldn’t get a name? was it hilarious? dumb? inspirational? that made you wonder submit your love anonomyously tell the ear and we’ll print it. how the hell does this even happen to someone? uvm.edu/~watertwr/iwysb.html uvm.edu/~watertwr/ear.html let it all out. it’s good for you. uvm.edu/~watertwr/hthdtehts.html I used to talk to you almost everyday, In Williams Hall: but I haven’t seen you in over a week. We thought this section would be really funny. But Now I hear that you’re with Sean, Guy: Yeah, the best thing about going to UVM is it then, like, no one ever really submits anything for it. If but I don’t know how to get in contact with you, doesn’t really matter what you wear in public. Someone’s we don’t start getting more submissions, we’re totally because you’re dead. gonna look weirder than you. going to have to concede defeat and cut the section. Please come back to UHN. HOW THE HELL DOES THIS EVEN HAPPEN TO Opposite Sides of Loomis Street: SOMEONE?!!? When: Friday night, September 25th Where: Prospect and College Drunk girl: I wanted to fuck him so bad! But he’s a HTHDTEHTS I saw: A phone freshman... I am: Sebastian Downs Drunk boy across the street: Dooo it! the first annual... I met you at orientation and we saw each other at the Outside a party on Colchester Ave.: airport when we left. Since school’s started, I’ve seen you around campus and everytime we’ve made eye-contact, Freshman girl: I told him my V-Card was NOT being wt. halloween it involves some serious sexual tension. I think you are swiped. one of the most handsome guys I’ve ever laid my eyes on, and I think the only way to get over this is to get Parents weekend in Chittenden: costume contest! under you. Mom: You don’t go out with someone just to use them! Well children, All Hallows Eve is upon When: Mostly in the afternoon Daughter: I do. us. Thewt. urges you to avoid eating any Where: All over campus Mom: That’s disgusting! previously opened mini snickers bars and I saw: a man to send your costume photos to: I am: a woman Kid talking loudly on his phone at the library: [email protected] I’ve seen you around a lot this year so far because we Kid: Well it wasn’t like I was driving black out, I just share similar friends. I think you are so cute and one remember going over the line sometimes (deadline: Nov. 1st) of the funniest people I know. Since we met, I’ve had a Pause growing lust for you, and I think about you all the time. Kid: No mom, I don’t remember Can we please be something more? Library, first floor computers: When: When our friends hang out Where: Usually on Trinity Campus Chem Bro 1: So do you know her personally? Chem Bro 2: Yeah, she gave me a nickname before school We were chillin in your room. I was the tall goofy guy even started. sitting there like a jack bum. You were so beautiful, I Chem Bro 1: What is it? didn’t know what to say. You were typing on your pink Chem Bro 2: Pookie-Wookie laptop. I think you were studying. I would really like to Chem Bro 1: Why, may I ask? study you! Chem Bro 2: I don’t know, I sign my emails to her as Pookie-Wookie. When: All the time Where: In my dreams I saw: a woman I am: a man

with moniqueseitz greg jacobs Extra, extra! Read all about it! Hot and hole-y style for you steezy beezy kids out there! It’s time to snag some of these hole-some nylons! You pay six bucks for a remedy to the Vermont cold and all you get is the runs.What am I talking about? Shred nasty tights! One can spot them on campus, usually the color black and decorated like a war veteran, holy and fatigued. Take those tainted tights and rip ‘em to shreds; holes are cool and so is frostbite. Throw some snot and blood spatter on them to add a believable effect that you don’t give a fuck! Or if you’re too damn lazy and the categories are... to DIY, go buy them for twenty-four bucks at your local hipster store. As for me, I’m going to run amock with my nylons plastered to my head (much like Jack Black in “Saving Silverman”) while listening to Blondie’s “Rip Her to why is this turning me on? Shreds.” victoria reed Everyone knows about the sexy French maid, the sexy nurse, the sexy cop-- and then there is the whole range of sexy woodland animals like bunnies and ferral cats. But that’s all a little cliché, no? What about a sexy walrus? Or sexy Teddy Roosevelt? Make us feel weird inside. We dare you. i found this outfit in the gutter...but hey, i look good You don’t really “buy into” this whole dressing up thing...but you “guess” you could “throw something together.” Not a big deal.

the kid that went all-out Who says Halloween is only fun for small children and pumpkin farmers? Your mom dressed you up as frickin’ Piglet for the first seven years of your life. Now it’s your time to shine. Go ahead-- glue fake werewolf fur to your butt, or sit on the couch all night because you purchased a real mermaid tail.

1. Run n’ grab yo’ ruined 2. Take tights in 3. An attack!!!!!! or...For those who are lazy: fly over to i’ll dress up if you do tights and a pointed, sharp hand and aim Chop chop chop the nearest Urban Outfitters (or Ameri- Sure, your costume is great, but check out your object your weapon. chop chomp chomp can Apparel) in your environmentally social circle! It’s one thing to dress up like Dorothy. It’s chomp chop chop. unfriendly SUV (even though you another when you roll up with Toto, the Scarecrow, The massacre of only use REFINED gas AND you go to the Cowardly Lion, and a flying monkey by your side. Nylon-ville!!!! UVM, duh!! Totes an environmental- ist!). Feeling a little créatif? Wishing Vantage Point was published more than once a semester? Well now you can submit your creative writing, short stories, poems, drawings, black and white photos, and any other créatif things to the water tower’s new section, créatif stuffé. Send your submissions to [email protected] by Tuesdays at 4:00.

by joshhegarty the arrests of my men, Mr. Pitt and Mr. by jpdubuque Part One Abrams, thrown out. This will be the last reminder. You’ve spent too much time Actually it’s the Vermont organic free- “Do it,” whispered a voice in the dark, My fridge groans with hunger pains “Then turn on the lights, but keep ‘em dicking around with us. We had a deal, Empty of food—not one grain range poultry…. Calvin. I’ve done terrible things for you. In fact it’s the loved, raised with children, dim. I want him to appreciate the atmo- And here I’m trapped in B-town sphere.” I’ve kidnapped. I’ve murdered. I once With no car in which to drive around— fresh Vermont organic free-range poultry. broke a three-year-old girl’s leg for you. It sounds too healthy to resist The lights came on and there was an Alas City Market can save the day old gray man in bed. Above him was a Do you know what happens when your It’s down on So Winooski Avenue So into the cart it was whisked. leg is broken that young? It doesn’t ever Wending my way through the narrow younger man holding a gun in the elder’s Where exactly, I haven’t a clue…. face. heal right. I crippled that little girl while Alas, I’ll find it, I’m off—adieu! aisles, her mother watched, for you. And this Everyone’s wearing such delirious smiles “Wake up!” shouted the man with the I clutch the handle—gripping tight— gun. is how you repay me? By letting my men Of my dwarfed little cart at perfect height. Dazzled by local labels with organic get arrested? Charged? There are so many wheat And wake up the old man did. His I grab for the cheese but oops it drops eyes popped open, then shut again as if in horrible things I could do to you. And And then I spot her Birkenstocks. They gobble them up like scrumptious you really thought you could get away treats disbelief. When they opened again, they Grimily brown on her mannish feet held a clear sense of fear, firstly because with disobedience? Did you forget about It’s too late for me to retreat I scurry off to check me out your affair with a 16 year-old girl? Did And end this deluge of doubts there was a gun in his face, and secondly For my eye already caught— because he realized he could only move you forget about the nephew you mo- The wispy skirt hiked up knee-high About what seems healthier lested? I could destroy you with a phone To make my body wealthier his head, and barely. His eyes darted Highlighting her very hairy thighs upward and looked at the man holding call. But that’s not what I’m gonna do to Exposed so all can see In strength and vigor. you. This is your last chance. If they aren’t The cashier told me what I owed the gun. He had a stern face, one you She has an au-naturale philosophy. would not want to cross. He looked as if released by 3 P.M. tomorrow, I will be Oh shit she saw my nauseous face More than a semester’s book-load! back. And you’ll be dead.” That’s it I can’t take it anymore, he could have been no older than thirty, Get me the hell outta this place! except in his eyes, which had clearly seen He pulled the gun out of the judge’s I run to hide among the poultry, Next time I’m slumming it at Hannafords mouth. This was when Judge Stephens for sure. horrors beyond his years. I mean the free-range poultry… “You look surprised. You really realized there were more men in his room Make that the organic free-range shouldn’t be. You know how we operate. than just Joe. There were five other men, poultry… You can’t move because I had my per- one in latex gloves, all staring sadistically sonal physician inject you with a seda- at him. It was too dark to recognize any tive. The gun is in your face because you of them. crossed us. Any questions?” Joe snapped his fingers and the men The old man’s mouth opened slightly, all turned and left. As he was about to walk he could muster. The gun slid through out the door, Joe turned off the lights the opening, lying heavily in the geezer’s and said, “You’ll be able to move again in throat like a cannonball. There were tears about an hour. Don’t make me come back in his eyes. to this shithole.” “Judge Stephens, you are going to use He slammed the door. g digital photograph by juliet critsimilios all the pull that you have in order to get

episode 5 by chandlergodette by henrykellogg before they saw a guy in a bathrobe running full speed When I put on my fitted, and rock it low When strange evil threatens the UVM campus to the out of their house. I was being chased by six big, fratty I can see you but you can’t see me point of all weirdness, Oskar McGrew strives to save UVM guys. As I turned to them, a chill wind blew. As I looked You cannot see where my eyes lead from certain peril. in their eyes, I saw a red reflection. Not the red like a And in turn cannot read what’s going on with me long night of partying gives you in the morning. Glow- It’s like a wall I have up as a protection The three thugs looked at one another manically. I ing red. Like possessed by something red. I was at the Because here I truly sit in Red Sox nation looked right back at them. I tensed and bent my knees. eerie nexus between one reality and another. One of the Surrounded by things different and new If my extensive training in Mexican wrestling and being sane and good and natural. The other of another, where Nothing like the streets I’m used to the only boy on my high school’s gymnastics and cheer- strange things live and the supernatural rules. The world Where the fitted you’re wearing can be the difference leading team meant anything, it was that I should be able of demons. I knew that this was not the time to stay and between life and death to kick these guys’ asses right now. As the first lunged to fight. I jumped on to my bicycle full force, pushing to get Where if you’re stupid enough to the size visible on the take a swing at me, I dove through his legs. Then I hand- away. hat you’re assured theft. springed past the second guy. The third punched me in CRAAANKK!! A noise of metal against metal. My But as time has past I’ve learned and crept through the the face. I went down hard. On my ass. My sombrero fell bike was still locked to the tree. Or it had been. In fact, issues off. This was not the time for weakness. I stood up. I then it still was. Only I had jumped on it without unlocking And here I stand here before you. kicked with my left foot and did a plié. I was in first posi- it and thus, what was meant to be super cool get away My fitted is my heart. tion. But this was not ballet class. wound up with me just going over the handles. I lay It reminds me of what has happened from the very start I twirled. Then I did a cartwheel. I did a handstand. sprawled on my back. The frat members closed around The city, the smell, the police, the drugs, the drama, the It then became clear to me that I was out of moves. I me. As I looked into their eyes, I knew I was done for. people looked at them. When they looked back at me they were Then the sound of a car pulling up awoke their rev- But I wouldn’t trade it for the world probably more bewildered than anything else. The first erie. I stood up to find a cop standing right next to me. My fitted represents not only me but where I’m from one snickered. They were just jealous. They wished they I looked at him rather bewildered. I was amazed. What Home of the Bronx Bombers, Hip-Hop, and an awesome had sweet moves like I did. Then it occurred to me that had just happened to me? “Excuse me, sir, we have been rapper named Big Pun (R.I.P.) I didn’t need to waste time beating up these cretins. They issued a noise complaint; we’re going to have to shut this So when you see this fitted on me, or another would just have to live with the truth they had just been party down.” If they’re anything like me respect it, cuz even if you’re bested by Oskar McGrew. And they would have to live “Umm, I’m not involved with them,” I mumbled. rockin’ a Sox or another fitted, with that. “Well, I’m going to go issue a noise complaint,” voiced Rivalries and competition aside we still share that mu- I bounded up the stairs, past the bumping music, and the cop as he tromped over to the party. I got up, un- tual connection ran out the door. As I turned behind me I saw that the locked my bike, and slipped off into the night.g Love for our team and our home. three guys from downstairs had followed me up. Also there were three more who had been guarding the door cat litter: by juliet critsimilios, greg francese, mac smith, and mike white art by kelly macintyre

by bridgettreco you want. Plus, if you hear something you sounds awesome, but check out their You just arrived at UVM and you like, you can go straight to the original cover of Jackson 5’s “I Want You Back.” realized that your taste in music is far blogs to read all the bizarre musings from MJ is smiling… wherever he is. behind what it should be. You thought all corners of the musical world. One of Little Boots- British version of Lady you were pretty cool at first, liking Ani- the best things about the Hype is that GaGa plays bizarre instruments and is mal Collective and Grizzly Bear. Well, you can find some leaked tracks from a whole new kind of fierce. The best is guess what frosh? You ain’t cool until greats like Lou Reed and Tom Tom Club. “Remedy.” you like obscure electro-pop and leaked Remember: Whatever’s old is hip, even if Uffie- Absolutely FEROSH white girl hip-hop remixes ironically named things it’s a William Shatner single. rapper who’s already made quite a name like “Pour Another Glass of Champers Here are some of the tracks currently for herself (obviously, on Justice’s TTH- Remix.” Okay, now I’m being ironic. with nyikobeguin and brianreid with the biggest buzz on the site, although HEE PPAARRTTYY). Find her “Pop The Remember Pandora and how we look out, because they’ll be out of date in Glock” (Mirwais Pop Remix). hyped that shit as soon as it went “viral”? a few days. P.S.: You will get laid if you Röyksopp- Norwegian electropop Volcano Choir - Unmap (Jagjaguwar) Well, I’ve got news for you. Pandora isn’t play tracks you heard. It’s science. explosion of goodness and synth…you’ve Experimental pop/post rock chalk full cutting it anymore. The Hype Machine heard the name undoubtedly, now really of ambient textures, ambiguous loops, will be like pornography for your ears. Kid Sister- No, she’s not yours. She’s immerse yourself with “What Else Is breathy/biting vocals, and unconven- Sick of the way Pandora won’t let you a straight up-G from Chicago who dealt There” (Ministry of Sound Remix). tional song structures. Evokes visions listen to anything more than once? Hate with Kanye and now has her own dope Phoenix- French band interested in of a snow-covered log cabin kept warm the way Grooveshark lacks the good stuff? career. Check out “Right Hand Hi” conquering our silly little country, one by heat-breathing robots. Side project of Feeling jaded that Last.fm was only cool (Caspa Remix) snooty Audi commercial at a time. You Justin Vernon (Bon Iver). when you were in middle school? Discovery- Mash-up of members from will love the Friendly Fires remix of For Fans Of: Bon Iver, Animal Collective, If you’re just out there for the new, Vamp Wknd and Ra Ra Riot. It already “Fences.” g Grizzly Bear undiscovered leaked tunes and remixes, Hype is the place for you. Created by Whales and Wolves - Green and Grey blogger Anthony Volodkin in 2005, the (Self-Released) Hype provides “one-stop-shopping” for Acoustic guitar riffs with accompany- mp3s, put together by thousands of links by jeremyklein ing piano and smooth vocal harmonies. to blogs all over the world. It’s basically Relaxing, interesting tunes. a mash-up of all the hippest blogs from Good Song: Girls - Laura Bad Song: Muse - Uprising For Fans Of: Vetiver, Iron & Wine Stockholm to Sydney to Tokyo to Yo Mama’s House. If you’re not salivating This is a song (and album) which It pains me greatly to label a song by Russian Circles - Geneva (Suicide over this already, you will be once you really harkens back to the old days of Muse as being “bad,” as I consider myself Squeeze) hear about the new Vampire Weekend rock n’ roll music. Christopher Owens, to be a pretty big fan of their music. That Hard rockin’, instrumental trio. (Bass, single that you’ve been waiting for, or the the band’s lead singer, sounds like Elvis being said, as soon as I heard the whir- guitar, drums.) Some of the tunes are fun cover of “Use Somebody” by the ever-so- Costello singing over the melodies of ring synthesizer that opens this song, I to rock out to, while others feel like they sleek Bat for Lashes. Don’t know Bat for the Beach Boys. As far as lyrical con- knew something was wrong. The song might benefit from a singer. Lashes? Well, neither do most people, and tent, Owens is perhaps one of the most itself is a contradiction. The music is you’ll be extra cool when everyone else lovesick songwriters to come along since synthesizer-driven to its core, inclining Music Go Music - Expressions (Secretly finds out about them and you’re already emo died. All he seems to want in life is me to maybe dance a little bit, whereas Canadian) wearing their t-shirt! the love of someone he cares about. His front man Matthew Bellamy spouts Debut album from outrageous disco- The best part about the Hype is that words are extremely honest and personal. political ideology telling us to overthrow rock trio hailing from Los Angeles. after making an account, you can “cus- He’s messed up in the past and realizes the oppressive regime. And since I never Stuffed with explosive synth-infused club tomize The Hype Machine with the music it. He’s repentant for all the mistakes he’s ever associate cutting up the dance floor anthems (if the club is Studio 54). Female you love!” Which is totally true. They made. All he can do now, though, is say and the overthrowing of an oppressive vocals backed by a light choir, driving aren’t lying. You can have updates on your how sorry he is for it and hopes that he’ll government, the song to me falls flat on dance percussion, and progressive disco favorite types of tracks and artists emailed be forgiven. He’s tired of fighting and just its face as it tries to perform both at the orchestration. Featuring members of to you every day. Oh yeah, and you can really only desires to be “friends forever, same time. It’s a real shame, but at least Bodies of Water. Twitter about it…whatever. friends until the end of it all.” And in the we’ll always have “Origin of For Fans Of: Bodies of Water, Goldfrapp, The feature that is the most valuable is end, isn’t that what we all really want? Symmetry”. g ABBA the easy-to-use, fast-loading player that lets you actually re-play songs as much as