volume 6 - issue 6 - october 13, 2009 - uvm, burlington, vt kelly macintyre by maxbookman and leamclellan organic butternut squash should arrive they don’t even have Cool Ranch Dor- he grim news was announced at 7:30 on within the next two or three days. His itos!” Saturday morning by nothing more than a explanation was ignored. His comments were met by screams of “I’m an orgolocalvore,” yelled UVM “lets compost that motherfucker,” which laminated card depicting a cartoon butter- student Willow Winters, as she repeatedly could be heard as far away as Mr. Mike’s. kicked City Market manager Mr. Treefel- He was subsequently beaten, mauled, and nut squash with a cute little smiley face. low in the balls. “Now where the hell hauled off to the compost pile. “No local organic butternut squash ternut squash could fundamentally rock am I supposed to get my local organic The Burlington police were about to today,” it read. Soon after, all hell broke the world of the City Market regular. butternut squash?” she screamed into his call the UVM police down the hill for loose. “I don’t especially like butternut painfully twisted face, “I might as well be backup when the crowd inexplicably Taylor Greenhood, a City Market squash, in fact, my kids hate it, but I back home on Long Island, you freakin’ dispersed. Only later did the reason for regular, says he was one of the first shop- bought it all the time anyway. Why? It idiot!” their departure come to light. It turned pers to see the sign. “Using my iPhone, was local and organic, and that’s all that One passerby tried to calm the angry out that sales from the Farmer’s Market in which can now send picture messages, by City Hall Park had undergone a sharp de- the way, I took a picture and immediately “I’m an orgolocalvore,” yelled UVM student cline without the presence of Burlington’s messaged my buddies who work down at environmentally responsible consumer the Intervale. They contacted the Com- Willow Winters, as she repeatedly kicked City scene. Although the outrage over the post Club, who contacted the EcoReps, loss of the local organic butternut squash and somehow the Moms for Sustainabil- Market manager Mr. Treefellow in the balls. was palpable, the urge to buy pricey local ity got word, and before I knew it, those “Now where the hell am I supposed to get my products directly from local farmers and bastards had a mob on their hands.” artists in a fun, friendly outdoor environ- For some Burlingtonites, shopping at local organic butternut squash?” ment was too strong to resist. City Market isn’t just a trip to the grocery Twenty minutes after the crowd had store: it’s a statement. From the certi- matters in my kitchen. I thought City mob by suggesting that they go down to disbursed, the once bloodthirsty City fied organic jalapeños to the fresh baked Market was on the same 100% post- Price Chopper on Route 7, where they Market Customers could be seen calmly artesian French bread from South Hero, consumer recycled page as me,” lamented could all get butternut squash for $1.75 munching their granola and sipping customers truly believe City Market re- Dorothy Sproutskey, president of Moms less per pound. “Besides,” he added, “as homemade root beer at City Hall Park. flects a commitment to saving the world, for Sustainability. the only supermarket within walking dis- Meanwhile, back at City Market, a late one Barbra’s Bakery Peanut Butter Puffin One disturbed eyewitness claimed that tance in Burlington, City Market doesn’t shipment of local organic butternut cereal puff at a time. With this attitude in he saw City Market manager Mr. Treefel- even carry a wide selection of low-priced squash had arrived in the back of a Ford mind, one begins to understand how the low trying to explain to the crowd that it everyday groceries like meats, frozen F-350 Super Diesel. g unexpected absence of local organic but- wasn’t that big of a deal, and that the local meals, and brownie mix. I’m pretty sure advertise for your news reflections créatif stuffé club or organization with an update ice’d! cops and robbers the water tower. on honduras it’s effective, and we’re by ryanwaingortin by joshhegarty cheaper than the other guys. by bsage [email protected] Hi, First of all, it must be nice for the author to have apparently never needed money badly enough to become familiar with a redemption center. Secondly, the callousness with which this was written and published is disgusting. the water tower is supposed to be UVM’s “alternative news?” Give me a fucking break. Making a spectacle of homeless people and a dad trying to feed his kids isn’t edgy; it’s a pathetic display of privilege. “If there’s one thing I learned it’s that if I can give them some peace with my trash, if only for a little while, then any ninja is fine by me.” Oh wow, how benevolent of you, to realize that your trash can help the needy people. Why don’t you do some actual fucking work to make a difference? -Liz with emilyhoogesteger PS: Not all homeless people are aluminum-can crazed lunatics...some of them are you know, Remember when people thought it would “normal people like you and me.” be great to have a president who speaks with clarity? As it turns out, that doesn’t Sometimes reading the water tower makes our readers want to get naked and fight the power. mean anything! It’s almost like today’s But most of the time, they just send emails. Send your thoughts on anything in this week’s issue media cycle is one big game of telephone... to [email protected] At a health care rally, President Obama says, “This plan would help millions of uninsured Americans.”… with macsmith The Taliban The Taliban has just been Boston In a groundbreaking effort to …you, watching the news out of the caught mocking President Obama’s catch eyes with green building, Boston corner of one eye while you write your recent Nobel Peace Prize, which is stupid, has commissioned the construction of a English paper that’s due in an hour, text the water tower. considering the President could approve high rise that will feature green…algae your friend: “Yo, I think we’re all gonna uvm’s alternative newsmag another 40,000 troops to send to Af- slime on the outside of it. The building is get free health care.”… uvm.edu/~watertwr ghanistan. If this isn’t irony, I don’t know to be called Eco-Pod, but will most likely what is. Editorial Staff devolve into the Green Monster. Editors-in-Chief Mucus According to National Geograph- Max Bookman Herbert and Catherine Schaible have … “The government is handing out Lea McLellan ic, giant mucus-like blobs have become just been charged for the death of their medical care!” your friend yells to more and more common in the Mediter- son, whom they prayed for during the last everyone in the vicinity... News Editor ranean sea. They can be up to 124 miles 24 hours of his life. He was “ravaged” with Paul Gross long and can cause serious health defects. bacterial pneumonia and they couldn’t Although many believe this to be the figure out why. So instead of getting him Reflections Editor effect of rising sea temperatures, others treated, they prayed for him. The charges Molly Kelly-Yahner believe it’s because James Gandolfini was …which happens to include that ornery were dropped when it was discovered the old man up the road, who hasn’t bought shooting snot rockets off of the deck of family didn’t have health care anyway. Créatif Stuffé Editor his Italian Villa last month. new clothes since 1963 and thinks the Alex Townsend government faked the moon landing. He ads, “The government is Humor Editor rationing healthcare” to his list of Mac Smith conspiracy theories. Managing Editor with paulgross Alex Pinto “I will accept this award as a call to action.” Copy Editors -President, and now Nobel Laureate, Barack H. Obama. Apparently the Norwegians …which he proclaims to anyone he Amy Goodnough hadn’t heard that Obama-mania is over, and decided to award the most high-profile Jen Kaulius meets, including the UPS delivery guy, prize in the world to someone who, actually, has done very little for peace. Then again, who Twitters, “Oh shit, I just heard the the award has been given to Yasser Arafat, Henry Kissinger and Al Gore. More like the government has total control over our Online Editor Nobel “We think you’re a pretty chill guy at this moment in time” Prize. Anthony Sweet lives.”… Staff Writers “This has to be seen “I have great affection for Jelena Aleksich through.” her.” Emily Arnow -Hillary Clinton, being a badass Secre- -John McCain, remarking on former Juliet Critsimilios tary of State (as has, somewhat surpris- …which is read by his 36 followers (who running mate, Sarah Palin, and the knew UPS guys were so popular?) all of Henry Kellogg ingly, become the norm for her), and tensions that supposedly plagued their Colby Nixon taking the first step to ending the one whom post campaign. McCain admits that he could “OBAMA = COMMUNISM!” Olivia Nguyen hundred-year tension between the Turks not trust Palin all the time, but still stands Bridget Treco as their Facebook status… and Armenians. The Turks still haven’t by his decision to try to make a woman Art Staff admitted to the Armenian genocide, who doesn’t read the newspaper the Art Editor but the two countries are now officially second most powerful person in the Kelly MacIntyre diplomatic allies, much thanks due to world.