Mission Statomont: To Moko Holms in Tooth.

«Jason Sattler talks about a n d R eligio n badly dressed man looks into the fraternity house. Following the lead of “Roy,” a fraternity A member, he heads toward the backyard. They weave in and out of pairs of nicely dressed young men talking about their majors, where they live, where they lived last year, and what they like to do. “Roy” and the Badly Dressed Man stop and face each other. “Roy”: So, what other houses have you been to tonight? Badly Dressed Man: Just a few others, none of them really have food, except the first place had pizza. “Roy”: Yeah. We don’t have any food. You want a Coke? Badly Dressed Man: No, I don’t drink caffeine. It just messes you up. Makes it so you can’t dream right. “Roy”: Really? I’ve never heard that. Badly Dressed Man: Most people don’t know about it. It’s just like male circumcision, people don’t know how much that messes you up. “Roy”: How do you mean “messes you up”? Badly Dressed Man: If you call losing 30-40 percent of the sensitivity messing it up, I’d say it messes it up pretty bad. But, I don’t know how you’d go about judg­ ing a thing like sensitivity in numbers. “Roy”: Yeah. I don’t know how you’d do that. They stand and stare at the floor for almost a full minute. “Roy”: You want to meet some other guys in the house? Let’s see if I can find you someone to talk to, OK? Jason Sattler visits the dorms to say We Were Only Biyce Baer Introduces Freshm en Lusty-Eyed Richie Cross young man sets down His Friend’s bong. The lusty-eyed Richie Cross sits in front of the IVBC Girl #3:1 did shitty on my advanced nonverbal and stench of marijuana resin causes a nose twitch in greedily puffing on a Marlboro 100 — his ci­ symbolic interactionism presentation. A the Young Man now exhaling smoke into the A garette of choice. His turns and legs are cold, but Giri #2: Me too, I can’t believe that teacher asked us to ether. They are listening to the Allman Brother’s “Jes­ his soul has been warmed by Lowenbrau Dark — his act out the Social Penetration Theory. sica”; the Young Man’s Mend is pretending to play guitar beer of choice. He thinks he has style but he is wrong. He Girl #1 hears the chatter and quickly joins in, effec­ on a slide rule. has had seven beers. tively ignoring Richie. Young Man: You know what me, you and Josh should Enter Sorority Girls #1 and #2. They are wearing eerily Giri #1:1 know, he’s so ridiculous. He told me that rhy do this summer when we move into I.V.? We should all similar sun dresses. One dress is covered with dande­ analysis of “Seinfeld” was superficial at best. And I was take a bunch of pictures and hang them over the mantle lions, the other, with daffodils. They have irresponsibly like, “Aah. Kramer is only like the most nonverbal com­ for people to see when they visit. We should take a pic­ arrived sans cigarettes. They are not arrogant, but they municator in the world. The guy speaks volumes with his ture of all of us with our heads on top of each other, like just have lots and lots of self-esteem. They have had two actions not his words." we’re a fucking totem pole or something. sea breezes apiece. Richie desperately attempts to enter the conversation. His Friend: Who will be on top of the pole? Richie thinks they are both very, very attractive. He He has seen “Seinfeld” before. He clears his throat and Young Man: We could take three pictures and explore thinks he might even like boldly interjects: all the possibilities, or we could—yeah, fucking listen to to ask one out on a date. I h.ate being In c Richie: I love that Richie likes to date attrac­ show. Did you see the one tive women. m u tu a lly with the Soup Nazi? Girl #1 boldly ap­ Yet, the conversation proaches Richie. She cordLepexxdexrb rolls on like a freight wants a cigarette. dlsenfranoblsed train, untethered by his MnUbneijffjiutfir Girl #1: (with a seduc­ apparent enthusiasm. tive smile) Hey, do you symmetrical Girl #2: (to Girl #3) So have a cigarette I could how is Greg? bum? 2?ela.tloxxslxlp. Girl #3: We got in a fight pt aulitili ay Kt Richie: Fully. again. I hate being in a mutually co-dependent disen­ Girl #1: Sweet. franchised symmeMcal relationship — all the feeling is Richie is stoked. He watches Girl # l’s expression like lost. this idea: We should all wear masks of famous former a hawk for any further sign that she is in any way inter­ They are not talking about beer or sex. Richie is con­ presidents, like Reagan, or Carter. Or Geoige Bush. How ested in him. He slowly fiimbles with his pack of Marl­ fused. He sees Girl #4 meandering up the block. She is fucking funny would that be? boro’s and triumphantly presents her with it He smiles. pretty. He approaches the girl. His Friend: I’ll wear a mask of Patrick Swayze. She smiles. Young Man: Yeah. It will be so sweet. On our kitchen Richie: (to himself) "Yes! This is a crucial moment in Richie: Got a cigarette? counter we’ll have those jars that you keep sugar and our potential relationship. I better say something witty flour, the ones that say sugar and flour on them. And and spontaneous. ... Maybe I’ll get lucky.” Giri #4:1 don’t smoke. we’ll have a jar just for pot and it will say pot. Richie: So, what’s up? His Friend: What if my Mom comes to visit? Giri #1: Just chillin’. Richie: Why not? Young Man: Don’t worry she can have some. No, no, At this point, Girl #2 spies Girl #3, a member of a rival I’m just fucking around. But, our fucking house is going sorority house— they are not Mends, but they hang out. Giri #4 I hear it’s like being circumcised. to be.... Everyday I’m going to walk out to the beach, I’m Richie does not notice but Giri #2 and Girl #3 strike up a going to learn how to surf. conversation. Richie is confused. Famous Bsople D ro o lin g ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★

3f * * Jf * * *- )f * * 2 A completion and new beginnings. Get the money you need in January to to in January need you money the Get beginnings. new and completion for Dfe. be could entranced Put in your love into words house­ Set up June. this Your year partnerships. is lesson 23). (May about Birthday Today’s Now t i buy to going nobody's circumstances; these victim of the you’re for day -is marvelous is 9 • a a This Today 18) 20-Feb. (Jan. Aquarius take an outrageous trip in February. Attend a reunion in April and re­ and April in reunion a in May.love old an kindle Attend February. in trip outrageous an take about December’s October. in fortune your Find in September. keeping you and zone safety mental your outside you lures who parson a Find ride. the enjoy and relax can you it, causing you’re know you that that whine Don’t creation! own your of it’s more, What’s whidpool. a too. day, the of middle the around right happen likely It’sto fun. most who finkmight you on if petson Take one care. you have much There's too moment. of the spur the on party a throw to decide even you. You might it Relax enjoy and Weil,necessary. it's papers. pushing You’re merely Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) - Today is a 6 - You’re right in the middle of - of Today is a middle -20) 6 in the You’re right 19-March (Feb. Pisces day's done. off you can the show when something building to not ite. You're husde - favor­5 You’Dyour isn't to a is doing have - Today task you're the 19) is that problem The today. up keep 22-Jan. (Dec. Capricorn working world the to contribute vealed? You’re in favor of full disclosure, which is one of the ways you you ways re­ the of be to one is which need that fulldisclosure, of Any favor secrets in vealed? You’re another? or reason one for sue to need need to take place in your relationship? Is there somebody out there you there out somebody Is there relationship? in place your take to need of round spontaneous will a give you others the all, at urging much out co- and friends of your -Some is 7 a )-Today 2 2 2 3-Sept. (Aug. Virgo Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) - Today is an 8 - T hat kind of changes changes of kind hat - 8 T an is - Today 21) 22-Dec. (Nov. Sagittarius how. authority of a position in Ask smarter cash. a working woman more by earn you'll but that more working by not It's busy. plenty keeping today, or It f lose a quite looks bit likeo work You’re amount the is constant too. travel, mini-vacation to a mood on off the in take and day Your sweetheart's afterward. right the during errands do and around Racetravel, both for fit in to is-both. 9 is- a Today Maybe manage good Today can you 23) ones. short and ct journeys long 23-O t ep (S Libra applause. You’D It’srescue! With­ Mr.die out. 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(July Leo acci­of sort a some spill or be even might There routine. regular a ing to you trap! realize. of than One be Think your costing habits mote could you set to allows you that job of land the If early. got you’ve off work get to most challenging. most 0 the day, easiest 10 is the rating: day's the check advantage, the To get copying • binding • laminating • computer rentals • computer • laminating • binding copying 1 full color print & copy • scanning • typesetting • scanning copy & print color full film processing • passport photos • more... & photos • passport processing film d o o g . m m m m CHICI N A R Friday, May 23,1997 May Friday, Classified Hotline: 893-7972 'Phone in your in your 'Phone with MasterCard or Visa or MasterCard with the alternative copy shop thealternativecopy MUHMUUKB Com puter Rental puter Com 6556 pardall rd. •rd. • iv pardall 6556 968-1055 D aily Nexus aily D ICH KEN aits BM IB & Macintosh Buy 1Buyhour Get 1Gethour FREE! o ffe r expires 5-25-97 expires r ffe o Available ad ad

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★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ going to do? Start driving halfway to Portland and back back and driving halfway Start Portland to going do? to bragging “gnarlific to about visuals.” But were they what ation to the various dealers around I.V. that he’d been been he’d I.V.that around dealers various the to ation vr tre weeks? three every and he mushrooms, was how going wondered explain to this situ­ Nathan of mind, his of back pounds the in ...and three surprisingly not didn’t, up pick to posed stared out at the purple heavens, enveloped in total total in enveloped heavens, purple tranquility. the at out stared akrsz jit ak n frh Nta ad Riley and Nathan forth, and magic- back a Passing joint moon. marker-size no and stars trillion a by ted h ve o Nrhr Clfri’ soig redwood­ sloping, sky night dot­ California’sdark-blue a with hills,laden all blanketed Northern of view the in lltii grade and hadn’t left Humboldt County lines County Humboldt left hadn’t since. relaxingThey Riley’son and were both bal­ grade apartment lltii in Garberville to moved had who with), stayedhe touch in Riley friend (the only school with high loyalhis hookup cony, which had the floor space of of space but floor largea the doghouse cony,had which us truh qitd eyes. squinted through nuts, like lized some of pistachio giant that looked nodges the had ever smoked. This stuff was dense, and so crystal­ so and dense, stuff was This eversmoked. had that in riding and duffle bag, army green Nathan’s was problem. did he all, after — supposed he anywhere, about just duffle bag was a half-pound of some of the best shit he he shit best of the of some half-pound duffle a bag was his wallet. But getting the weed on board would be a a be would board on weed the getting But wallet. his have $2,400 in his 48 a money healthy and in belt, bucks ing He buy could a a cab terminal. ticket to to airport the Airport. International San Jose at down touch plane ter smalla commu­ watched he contentedly, Sucking pack. window. the out gaze hazy a in stare least at or — He considered getting off at the nearing station and tak­ and getting off station He nearing considered the at e e r f d e n o t S curring opportunity to wonder about life and daydream daydream life and about wonder to opportunity curring before; long monotonous became traveling the though is California 101. Highway vein that the course and And towering big-ass that then and statue, bread-loaf giant Nathan still found an obscure wonder in the the in wonder obscure an still found Nathan bus Greyhound a aboard hop to UCSBbehind left he couldn’t how many. remember But at least once a month can. Libby’s toward San Jose. He recognized the passing storefronts storefronts passing the recognized He Jose.San toward his hand. Immediately he knew where he was entering entering his Immediately he hand. knew where he was oAv v WAY A io n r ... Sunnyvale Wafer Fab Corporation, Kal’s B-B-Que,a Corporation, ...Fab WaferSunnyvale embarking before stop two-minute the for Sunnyvale below. buildings of Valley desert industrial vast the sky,across spreading Silicon great of the clouds rippled the through blurring A K I C K - A S S R O C K ’ f f R O L L F R O M S I B E R I A Well, all wasn’t completely tranquil Well,— Riley all tranquil completely wasn’t was sup­ upsd after a — supposed ud "be problem. a. ould w ny r, lie ere, h yw an le ed t>oax*d n o g weed gettin tlie ut B $2,400... ave h did. a.11 lie e ol buy a. y u b could He ikt oj t a.'bout st ju to ticket Nathan had had first Nathan this sampled the harvest night before, Riding in the steel bowels of fuselageGreyhound’s the Nathan peeled a cheny LifeSaver cheny a peeled from his dwindling Nathan Nathan had made this journey many times, he he times, many journey this made had Nathan h Daiy Friday ily a D The He rubbed his eyes and wiped the drool puddle from puddle drool the wiped eyes his and rubbed He fi if F E ELVfSES RED s Nathan slowly s Nathan drifted consciousness, back into eyes opened to see scattered beams of sunlight his sunlight of beams window, scattered see tinted to opened eyes the against propped head m. m m ■m*. 23 ♦ ^ ♦ o I W&E & tW wonIP . w Rcusr r s u c tR y r (the only Rock 'n'R oll from Siberia) from oll 'n'R Rock only (the ik oeto is Robertson Nick

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¡_THJ_LEADERJ ETSj ADULT_CABAR N broadening his mind, making connections ... this guy this ... connections making mind, his broadening far in life. After all, he was Maybea University it student. steals money enough a when back payphone bus station yeah.” then, neither did Riley, and Nathan kept his company. his kept Nathan Riley, did and But neither then, school. high from graduated even never probably was bar? candy overpriced an buy to around constantly, by around an entire one up end like How can him? who getssomeone kicked while rocking in his seat and looking around at mot­ the at in rocking while around his looking seat and ley crew of passengers. “The phone booth back there there back my took I’mmoney, and get booth gonna my oh 75 cents back, phone “The passengers. of crew ley loudly, muttered he write,” to to I need want address don’t the forget I and my money, took there back booth sun. the in drinking of days many spots too liver with from marked scalp blond thinning his bing anyone with conversation trying spark to stop wouldn’t ledge his presence, he spoke to the air. He was now He rub­ the to was air.ledge now he spoke presence, his acknow­ would nobody when and radius, six-row a in if be unsure fine,” he was whispered, she really sleeping. usually usually kissing cheek. “Don’t her worry, Vickie, baby, it’s gonna shed­ while thought, Nathan stuffy, damn was It gine. nozzle conditioning air tiny the twisted and fuzzy seat She was later than she’d ever been before, but she was she but before, been ever she’d than later was She after morning, Friday house her leaving before right it en­ jet miniature a unlike not sounded and looked that would need to. step out of the bus for a quick smoke smoke quick a for the to familiar break, enrich further passing bus sceneiy. The the of out to. step need would ding ding his girlfriend's grabbed baggiesthad He sweatshirt; navy-blue and red his of comfort the from up reached ipesuet ye ih eeey loso eyes. bloodshot severely with type hippie-student station security never pay attention to one unshaven unshaven one to attention pay never security station cargo wayby precious than There’sthe bus? to transport i te h ra te paper. the read he then til next long stop enough to a toke was sneak Gilroy, so un­ bus that and luggage,everywhere freaks the demented many search so there’s or IDs check never thorities au­ ticket Greyhound overrthe of risk no getting pulled dealer dealer I.V.— dope was an he REAMSIN 16 •PRICE 1/2 6:30—2:00 11-6 FREE ADMISSION S A N TA M A R IA 'S O N L Y A D U LT CABARET LT U D A Y L N O 'S IA R A M TA N A S Who Who ol I n u lk hm Nta wondered? Nathan him; like up end I Could Nahh. He had already succeeded too much, gone too too gone much, too succeeded already had He Nahh. “Does anybody got a pencil, a pencil? The phone phone The pencil? a pencil, a got anybody “Does Some guy had gotten on the bus at Gilroy who who Gilroy at bus the on gotten had guy Some But Nathan’s eyes were clearing up now. Soon he he Soon now. up clearing were eyes Nathan’s But tnd ietsmweena asnil, Nathan Watsonville, near somewhere silent Stoned Nathan had the edge over the common I.V. dope dope I.V. common the over edge the had Nathan his second junior year, but he was learning a lot, lot, a learning was he but year, junior second his is somewhat this guy? Nathan wondered. How some­ does How wondered. this Nathan guy? 4 ♦ -4- ^ 4 ♦ ae ... iate SPEARMINT RHINO 22 E. Montecito St. 568-1620 St. Montecito E. 22 WAYS RI DANCERS R E C N A D G IN IR H S Y A LW A ADELT CABARET 10a 20a . -2:00am 11:00am 0 .Bra y __ ay w road B S. 505 nSnaMal/ ^ in arla/“ Santa M Santa Barbara DAYSA EEK W A S Y A D 7 smuggler. society, 349-9535 only to want lash And what safer what And DailyNexus

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Daily Nexus Friday, May 23,1997 3A

Oh, well, whatever. All this thought about the future dark blue that Nathan believed was foe same color that took time away from Nathan’s window-gazing, which envelops the floor of a shallow sea. Nathan had always GMAT wasn’t going to be an option soon. Night was slowly fall­ wanted to voyage foe ocean — he had even taken TRAVEL ing, and across the great plains of California fruit-bearing elementary boat and sail, and loved every minute of it, LSflT soil, the waning sun burned a soft but brilliant hole in the but instead of taking intermediate he put the $55 re­ SPECIALS! choppy clouded sky. The bus passed a row of eucalyptus gistration fee towards an eighth. Hey, it’s called Sending trees that loomed over the highway like a giant’s wooden for a reason. Washington D.C. fence, and Nathan noticed light emitting from the tiny GRE i Rndtrp from ( 3 3 0 houses nestled in the brown foothills. Santa Barbara What was that life like, Nathan pondered. Looking closer, he could see that foe houses weren’t really that MCATi New York $238 small. They had long, long driveways, and he could see Hey, it’s called Rndtrp air from LA multiple cars in each yard. These people probably do • Small Classes pretty well for themselves, Nathan reckoned, but what M i a m i $246 do they do with their lives, out here in these vast fields? fiending for a • Personal Attention | Rndtrp air from LA But then, what do people do with their lives any­ • Guaranteed Results I Honolulu $259 where? Nathan always believed he would live out the a Rndtrp air-travel in Sept. American Dream —graduate from college, get a well-to- • Free Software high-paying job doing something, save minimally until reason. Puerto Vail. $375 he could make that down payment on a nice house to • Free Extra Help 3 nts hotel/air/June raise a charming family in ... foatis what he’d always been When Nathan emerged from behind the store, all of told he wanted. the passengers had already bought their substandard fare C r u is e $565 But once he got there, what would he do? Paint foe and were back in foe bus. The driver sat and chatted with GETAN ALL MEALS/MORE tool shed? Dig weeds in foe'garden? Attend PTA meet­ the old couple. These people are in cahoots, Nathan 7 nts Mexican Riviera ings and rent four videos a night, half of which the kids con j ectured—why else would foe driver stop at this god- EDGE. Examples Only! would lose for days and then whine about not getting forsaken business? With foe total bus-rider sales of CallUs! their allowance because of it? Is that all these people do poorboy sandwiches and red vines, not to mention rot- out here? gut flasks, they probably cleared a hefty profit, and foe THE Nathan passed foe next 55 minutes by staring out the driver would get a nice kickback. More power to him, Nathan thought. PRINCETON The more he learned about life, the more Nathan felt REVIEW that everyone is inescapably corrupt because they want (800) 2 REVIEW ON CAMPUS to be. Just think of those patsies stuck out in the farm­ UCSB houses — wouldn’t that lifestyle become genuinely ex­ www.review.com citing if Father sold homemade Adirondack chairs with­ 2211 UCen* 968-5151 out getting a business permit? Wouldn’t Mother’s pantry-aged wine sell to the neighbors? Oh, the cops would never hassle them. They’re Good People. Now it was too dark outside to see through the DR. M FILM FESTIVAL already-blackened windows, so Nathan stared at his dim Th» Cit ii tha Hit • Tin Lorix • The Smtehii reflection. As foe bus accelerated and pulled back onto Hoober Bloobir Highway • The Grieche! Highway 101, he wondered if there were any good peo­ ple out there. Or what good was. Who defines good? Is that person good? TUESDAY Nathan wondered if he was good. According to Nancy Reagan, certainly not. He was the May 27th • 8 & 10pm scum of society, destroying foe lives of innocent children Campbell Hall (because their parents never had the courage to talk to } 13 Adult!, 12 Chlldrei under t2 their kids about drugs, only to reprimand them). But he ty M i.n l by UCSB Mauntiin Bike Club felt like he was a good person. He meant no harm to his fellow Americans. window as foe sun finally sank below the broad horizon. What’s up with this country, anyway? How has it gone (F He decided that he would buy a new Walkman with his so wrong? Nathan wondered where, in foe Constitution earnings from this trek; Riley said he lost foe one he bor­ or foe Bill of Rights, morality and righteousness are men­ Attention EOP Students! rowed, even though Nathan thought he saw foe ear­ tioned. Then he wondered if smoking foe hemp paper phones .dangling out of a kitchen drawer last night. that foe Constitution is printed on would get him high. Educational ♦ •O- He wondered if being high was all life should be about. Opportunity “King City. We’ll be stopped for 15 minutes, so grab a He wondered what life should be about. He wondered bite to eat if you’re hungry,” the driver bellowed. about life. Until he fell asleep near Pismo Beach, Nathan Program Nathan stumbled from the sliding door, taking care to asked himself question after question. But there never not bump into the pretty jail bait who walked in front of seemed to be an answer. EOP Surveys were mailed to your local him. He had sometimes fantasized about meeting some ♦ ■O' ♦ address. woman on one of these excursions and coordinating an The Greyhound rolled to a stop at foe comer of Car­ erotic rendezvous at one of the stopover points, but rillo and Chapala, one red light away from the long- Please complete and return your survey Nathan always kept these fancies to himself, draping his awaited destination of Santa Barbara’s Greyhound de­ ASAP. legs across foe seat next to him in a very uninviting way pot, covered in plastic and dust from remodeling. throughout the ride. Nathan had heard more people were traveling by bus Your returned survey will enter you in a The bus was parked in a dirt/gravel lot in front of an nowadays. drawing for a $100 gift certificate donated independent convenience store with foe word “conveni­ When foe massive engine shut down, Nathan didn’t by the UCSB Bookstore. ence” misspelled on its dimly lit sign. The driver walked bother retrieving his duffle; in fact, he left his backpack inside and was warmly greeted by foe mole-covered sitting on foe next seat. He darted to foe ticket counter, Questions? Call 893-3235 portly woman behind the counter and foe ancient guy in where a pockmark-faced man watched late-night X, J the comer wearing sunglasses and clutching a broom. television. The passengers dispersed throughout foe shop, inspect­ “Do you have any tickets to Mexico?” NEW! Daily Specials! ing its 1950s-era coolers and foe wealth of frozen burri- “Tijuana.” P J g M All Your Favorites A* All Time Low Prices tos inside. “Do they like, check your bags, and stuff?” Nathan stood in foe parking lot, fingering foe loaded “Yes sir, they check your bags and I think you need a pipe and lighter in his pockets, looking around for an in­ passport.” conspicuous spot. There were no other buildings for “One way to San Diego, please.” miles along the road, except for the creepy abandoned After paying for his ticket, Nathan rebuckled his belt ^presents... gas station next door. He moseyed a lap around foe store, and walked out to foe same bus, which would drop him smoking in motion while behind foe building and out of off in L.A. for a transfer. He reclined in his still-warm seat Rubes u. J L m sight. and closed his eyes, smiling. By LeiEb Rubin Tun. In Nod Weak For Moro Spootelat It was foe veiy end of dusk, when foe mysterious glow Now his daydream would begin — and all his hazy that keeps the evening sky pink fades away, becoming a gazing would be at something new.

Emerald Video Non Wfvr C l Affe A K MW lentil 6 S 4 S Partlall Road Isla Vista. CA 93117 rbresents^K M feV l'V W UITwiththkcomic S05.3SS.6053 Vbid with other offer Good at time of rental only r 'n REMEMBER T U E o L D D A Y 4 W U E N W E W E N T T o T U E G R O C E R Y . 4 T o R E T o B U Y F o o d ... j £ 3 « =£ 5. § £ V ll= K 5-13 "Hey, Floyd! You've gotta try this one. Enter to win ... It's ranch flavored!”

i m m m a SWINGERS poster!! Woodstock's Pizza 928 Emb. del Norte 968-6989 4A Friday, May 23,1997 Daily Nexus

Interviews by Dan Nazzareta Campus Comment Photos by Alan Jacoby Who do you think is sexier, the RBTLady or the Weatherperson?

— U ------— U ------— U ----- — a ------— U ------— U ------I definitely think Definitely the Going by the I guess the Actually, I’ve The RBT lady — be­ the Weatherper­ voice, the RBT Weatherperson by been having a cause she turns me Weather lady be­ on. son because he is cause the way she lady, but default. I don’t sexual relation­ interesting. The integrates her per­ personality-wise, I know the RBT ship with the RBT RBT lady is bor­ spectives on life like the Weather lady. lady and she’s an ing and only and how it affects lady. amphibian wo­ brings bad news. the weather. Judy Kim man. She’s got Danielle Dohmen Isabel Oregon sophomore John MacPherson webbed feet. Arbi Melilian sophomore junior environmental chief Kevin Dale junior biology political science studies UCSB Police Dept. biochemistry ------9 9 — ------9 9 — ------9 9 — ------9 9 — ------9 9 — — 9 9 —

ST! c Only O Issues Left of the Daily Nexus this quarter The Juvenalia of Noah Blumberg was the greatest day of young Jason Scheffs life when Peter Cetera, one of Call NOW to advertise: 893-3828 America’s best-loved singer/songwriters, left the adult rock group Chicago. That I was the day that Chicago’s drummer, Tris, called young Jason for an audition; Al­ though Jason was only 14 years old at the time, his guitar wizardry, soulful voice and daring stage antics had garnered much acclaim and had piqued the interest of the mem­ bers of Chicago. The audition was a success and soon Jason was on a nonstop world tour that would last for nearly two years. After the tour’s close, the band decided to ready another “Greatest Hits” collection and Jason was granted some time off. He went home to his parents’ house in San Diego and got back in touch with his good buddy, Barry Feffer- man, a 38-year-old accountant and devout family man. Barry’s hobbies were several. “Laughter is a He enjoyed body-building, purchasing cars, and going on long, long drives. Barry and Jason referred to each other as Feff and Scheff, respectively. Feff asked Jason’s parents if Scheff could go on a long drive or something. Jason’s pa­ rents agreed without much argument and Feff and Scheff set out in Fes’s new Cadillac Seville convertible. tranquilizer with “Where are we off to, Feff?” Scheff asked. ‘Well, I thought we’d check out that movie “Penitentiary Pranksters.” What do you think?” “Naw, not another prison comedy.” no side “OK. Well, what do you think about going to Mexico?” “Sounds great. Let’s go.” So Feff and Scheff both put on tank tops and headed down to the somewhat- commercialized yet quaint fishing town of San Felipe on the east coast of the Sea of —Arnold Glasow Cortez. They enjoyed some fish tacos, dune buggy rides and beach camping. ♦ After a couple of days, they drove north to Mexicali in search of more excitement. There, they walked the streets of Mexicali for hours. Although they found some reaso­ nably priced shoes, the many burnt-out buildings on the many dirty streets had them feeling less than enthusiastic about Mexicali. On the way back to Fes’s car, they HAPPY HOURS: 4:30-7:30 walked passed a small, shabby building that had a large animated naked woman painted on it. Well Drinks $2,25, Draft Beer 1/2 Pint $1, Pints $1,50, Dom, Bottle Beer $L75 He enjoyed bodybuilding, purchasing cars, and going on long, long drives. 6 W. De La Guerra Scheff said, "Let’s check it out.” Santa Barbara “Oh, I don’t know. What would your parents say? Besides, you’re only 16, they wouldn’t let you in.” 963-2211 “Sure, they would.” Scheff insisted. Very reluctantly, Feff led the way to the front door of the building. A small old man appeared and led them inside. The room was so dark that they could not see where the old man was leading them and could follow only the old man’s nudging at their hips. They found themselves at a table and had a seat. “What would you like to drink?” said a voice in perfect English. “Urn, two cervezas,” said Scheff. Nervously, Feff said, “Scheff, you’re not old enough to ...” “Relax, Feff, relax. It’s OK. No one cares,” Scheff said with the toss of a 50-peso bill to the waiter. As their eyes began to adjust to the darkness, they realized that they were right in front of a stage. Against the very back of the stage a dim light lit the figure of an ex­ tremely tall and heavy woman dressed in a black bikini and a long, blonde wig. Feff and Scheff looked at each otherwith confused and frightened eyes. Abandoning their beers, they both went straight to the exit. Neither Feff nor Scheff spoke until they had safely crossed back into the United States. Feff looked over at Scheff and said, “Wow, it sure is hot out today.” “1 hear ya,” Scheff said, “I’m glad I brought my tank top.”