FALSE Issue # idk Embry-Riddle Aeronautical University Foolsday Volume # idc Prescott, Arizona April 1, 2020[2.0] Top 10 Places to Cry on Campus Ugly-Crier approved for checking test scores, processing rejection, and getting in your feels I’M NOT CRYING It’s Seasonal Allergies that wind-swept hair look.

1. AC1 Lecture Halls 3. Your Professor’s Navigate to SchedulER Office through Ernie Tools to We all know courses are book yourself an hour difficult at ERAU, causing in one of AC1’s largest a few tears here and there. lecture halls. Stand at the Who’s making the courses podium and feel a fleeting so difficult? That’s right, sense of power that your your professors. They’ve professors hold. Use the made you feel bad, so it’s whiteboard to work out time to go cry in their of- your problems, making fice to make them 10/10 sure the Expo marker is uncomfy. The satisfaction I’m Not Crying U Are for Horizons Resident cryer Nicholas gives an example of how to use the #1 place to cry on campus. They didn’t know this would almost dead for the most of revenge will ease your make it on the front page. Thank you, Nicholas! authentic experience. suffering. good. Skedaddle off the squat ones. Choose your COOL RANCH® Fla- 8. The Rafters of 2. Big Blue Wind 4. The Roof of AC1, at roof before Safety catches favorite, then lay under- vored Tortilla Chips, or AXFAB Tunnel Night, Under The Stars you. neath. You can safely cry whatever else as a bridge Get up there. Crawl Enter the wind tunnel Lay on your back on the here and no one will dare crossing toll. Accessing around. Drop the occa- and turn it on to mach roof and gaze up at the 5. Under a Bridge approach you. And, if your inner Bridge Troll™ sional tear on an unsus- 0.547396. At this speed, Stars©.FALSE Allow a single tear Our campus has many someone tries to cross is certain to brighten your pecting student. the tears will be blasted to flow from your left eye lovely bridges scattered the bridge, you can acti- mood. right off of your face and as you consider the mas- around. There’s some big vate your Bridge Troll™ 9. On the Pitcher’s you’ll be all good to go sive scale of the universe. ones, some little ones, persona and request gold 6. Your Car Mound back to class. Bonus: get Sometimes crying can be some tall ones, and some coins, secrets, DORITOS® This one’s a classic. There Make the trek out to the are so many variants: The New ERAU Baseball Driver’s Seat Cry, the Field™ and take a seat Passenger’s Seat Cry, the criss-cross applesauce on Back Seat Cry, and if you the pitcher’s mound. Scoff HorizonsNewspaper really want to spice things at your problems. You’re up, try the Trunk Cry. the pitcher now. No one Everyone can have a little can hurt you. Car Cry. Alternative Facts 10. On the Drive to They are Super True 7. The Leftmost Stall the Flightline on Free Page # 2 in the GSIS Building Ice Cream Fridays Blindly believe them. Horizons is your leader now. Your Tears Womens’ Restroom Adjacent to the Car Cry, Here This stall has good ener- this one allows for a sweet gy. It’s located directly treat at the end. Have your Open Your Emails under the heater for the quick cry and cheer up @ Freshmen restroom, meaning you with some free dairy! Try Page # 39 can shed your tears while not to be lactose intoler- Yes. You. We all know that you don’t. defrosting your cold soul. ant. Honestly, you probably didn’t even I’m Not Crying U Are for Horizons know this was coming out.

That Won’tIndependence Happen from Page # 99 Daytona JK see page 8

Still Looking...Your Romantic Error 404 Prospects Sick burn. Get got. Is that a weed? Who would win? Have you seen this place? Horizons FALSEAlternativeFacts “Good Samaritan” Student Leaves Through T2 Side Doors BREAKING: in Unprecedented Event

BAD SAMARITAN T2 Peasant insistence of the Univer- has left through the side above herself and that time… I live on the right student has proven that sity that students living in doors of the building means that she is the one side of the building, that students can, and perhaps Ever since the beginning T2, one of the freshman since the beginning of fit to rule.” Apparently, side door is closer to should, leave through of the COVID-19 pan- dorms, leave through the the pandemic. When the title of Monarch of Earhart’s. I don’t know the T2 side doors, all demic, students have been small side doors of the McDoorn returned to her T2 has been vacant for what’s so special about other students (with the forced to adjust to the building, rather than the building, she was immedi- some time, since the last this time, but appar- exception of the Queen’s changing times: wearing large main doors, which ately greeted by the rest of student to hold it in 2020 ently something is… I Guard) still refuse to use masks, social distancing, should only be used for the building’s population left to transfer to Daytona now have an entourage.” an exit besides the Main and other measures have entrance. For nearly two kneeling in the lobby. Beach. (Their claim to Indeed, a small group of Doors. The Queen is all become part of the whole semesters, this rule royalty was apparently other T2 students have planning to issue a procla- norm. However, there went unfollowed, with A student by the name of staying with their laun- now been seen following mation via Zoom on April are some measures that not a single student ever Michael Serf kneeled in dry the entire time it was around the Queen to her 1 concerning entrances, students simply refused leaving through the side front of the surprised stu- being washed and dried, classes and other activ- which all students who to implement because doors, until one fateful dent, offering her a crown. ensuring that no one ities. Maisie Knightly, live in T2 are required to they were simply too day. When she accepted, Serf would have to wait for a one of the students in the attend. It remains to be draconian. At least, they proclaimed McDoorn machine any longer than entourage, says that they seen whether other dis- were, until one brave On March 31, 2021, a stu- the “Queen of T2.” Serf they needed to.) are the “Queen’s Guard, regarded one-way doors student decided to change dent by the name of Sidie said of his reasoning, “It’s sworn to protect her from on campus, including the everything. McDoorn left through the simple, really. Sidie left McDoorn was confused all dangers, including the especially inconvenient side door of T2 at exactly through the side doors. about the entire event, Main Door Peasants.” systems at Building 17 One of the worst regu- 9:55 am. This marks the That means that she put saying, “I leave through and AC-1, will ever be latory measures was the first time that someone the rest of the building the side door all the Although this brave used correctly.

Delivery of Online Classes is Better than In-Person, Student Body Survey Says

N669ER Flight Risk reached out to the paper Dr. Loom mentioned tering, I send them a GIF.” How attractive do you find your to let us know of a star- that a startling amount of Booth could not confirm peers compared to before The Embry Riddle tling discovery. students have been able nor deny the success rate campus has been forever According to Dr. Loom, to focus more on the non of his strategy. the pandemic? changed in our hearts by the students “have physical aspects of each the COVID-19 environ- enjoyed the incorpora- other. “With the lack of Additionally, the guidance ment. Hieroglyphic seat- tion of online class due functioning webcams department has noted Still Fugly ing charts, creepy mask to multiple intrinsic and at ERAU, students have an increase in student 1% enforcers, and even an extrinsic benefits.” Finan- noted an increased attrac- GPA as well as overall ingenious plot to restrict cially speaking, students tiveness in their peers.’ completion rates. Note- student travel with a men- feel like they are actually This update is an excellent abley, engineering GPAs tal health avoidance day getting their six thou- improvement for the have peaked above 2.5 have all been fan favorites sands dollars worth out otherwise desolate social for the first time in over a by the students according of Google, Chegg, and and romantic climate at decade,and AS students to a recent survey by the Matheway. The ability to Embry-Riddle. are performing fantas- Much More Attractive Global Security and Intel- go online has also allowed tically in math courses. 99% ligence College. many students the oppor- Student and professional Who knew a lack of tunity to earn additional zoomer Cliff Booth was physical instruction could After collecting the income. While their zoom available for comment on have been so helpful to results, the JESUS college class plays on their laptop the matter… “I mean… I the student body! department chair and res- or even cell phone, many have seen my roommates closed, students can now Overall, it has been ident sex expert (A CIA have taken to the campus face and half of everyone It was also found that the be bounced around determined by the JESUS recognized expert on the checking temperatures or else’s face. So, I impro- “Riddle Runaround” has through email instead college as well as by this topic) Dr. Roses Bloom panhandling. vised. I hold this guitar been streamlined during of through multiple paper that ERAU students could not be reached, but tuner to the microphone these times of webcams buildings, which is both are happier online than luckily his assistant Dr. When going over the and if they speak without and black screens. With less efficient and more they have ever been! Keep Professor Pitchard Loom results with Horizons, any sharps or flats regis- all in person offices being annoying. it up, Eagles! 3 Alternative Facts It’s April 1 (you fool) , 2021 CESE Department Finally Gets Full Staff

THAT FRESHMAN SLEEPING Many veteran faculty of Dr. Brother can now con- have good ideas, and my Programming, I will end us in the fall,” said Electri- ON THE FLOOR OF THE the department and stu- firm after a sufficient Root idea was honestly the best their whole career.” cal Engineering Professor KING COMPUTER LAB Locus analysis of CESE’s idea anyone had during and Patriarch of the Neck Definitely an EE dents alike are rejoicing for the good news. One Open Loop Transfer the whole process. In fact, Despite the negativity Beard Clan, Dr. Pee-Yew In a bizarre turn of events, such professor, Dr. Stefan Function that all of the that’s the reason I left my from some of the de- Javelina, Ph.D. “Honestly the Department of Com- Brother, Ph.D., stated that possible poles are located former position at Com- partment, one CESE - I was afraid there for a puter, Software, and Elec- “firmly in the Left Half paq - they don’t like good professor is particularly second. I don’t want to be trical Engineering (CESE) Before, Plane.” ideas.” relieved. “I’m really glad the only professor in the has finally hired the bare that all these new faculty department mercilessly minimum amount of the CESE Not everyone is happy Dr. McCafé added to Dr. members will be joining failing my students!” faculty to be a functioning department’s with the news, howev- Van-VW’s comments with department. “ poles were er. Dr. Matthew “Cute, some colorful ones of his placed Sleepy Grandpa” Van-VW, own: “Frankly, the f****** As of Fall 2021, CESE will Ph.D. and Dr. Michael stupid a****** s***heads have a full faculty of high- entirely on the “Grumpy Grandpa” who made this absurd ly qualified professors. Imaginary- Kaffee both think that the decision were out their According to the depart- Axis. If we move was a terrible deci- God damn mother f****** ment chair, Dr. Wooden took on one sion for the university. minds.” He warned that Fence-Post, Ph.D., “the the new professors, “or new faculty couldn’t have student too Dr. Van-VW said that whatever the hell they in- come sooner. We really many, you during the hiring process sist on being called, better needed this to boost would have he routinely advised that stay out of my f****** way. department morale.” seen smoke the university should I’ll be listening very close- hire more student TA’s ly, and the moment one Historically, the depart- start to come instead. He elaborated by of those b******* says one ment has hemorrhaged its out of King. saying that “I only ever good thing about Agile professors as many have suddenly found better things to do with their life. Dr. Fence-Post explained How One Little White Lie that “ Them dang- Changed the Entire School System old [sic] LIES TO TELL YOUR MOM 2.05 GPA for Fieri after all, it only a Straight A community scholars, have been la- With a steep dive in GPA professors matter of time before his lashed out. They began boring for As ever since I since the onset of the “up and leave For many de- mother learned from a launching a counter was an embryo! By virtue COVID-19 pandemic, every time cades, schools have used much too friendly Trader campaign, “Always As” in of what are we supposed traditionalists are con- the F-A scoring system Joe’s employee that Fs which they claimed that to just adjust to the A-F cerned that the flip to they get with the most unusual were not, in fact, good As were too ingrained into system that multitudes Fs as the best grade is a whiff of modification being the grades. the schools culture (not to of students were raised gaining traction. The something addition in certain re- mention their transcripts) on.” When asked if the battle between Fieri and better gions of the letter E in be- But Fieri was faced with to be changed. Straight As were against the Straight As rages on. tween D and F. However, a steep obstacle: the When asked to give a this because they become Who will be left once the outside the one brave student, Fieri Straight A students. When comment, Straight A the new worst students dust settles? department. Pantalones is making the Fieri started posting representative Melissa Melissa refused to answer, world really think about fliers to attract a group Straight said the follow- but definitely refused to He went further and this system for the first of like-minded liars, the ing: “I, like innumerable meet the reporter’s eyes. described “ a letter of time in decades. resignation [we received] last month when a new “ It all started with professor fell in love with one phone call home. the brisket at Bobby D’s Fieri was talking on the Barbeque up in Jerome.” phone with his mother when she brought up They told Dr. Fence-Post school. When he ad- that they couldn’t live an- mitted his poor grade other minute in Prescott point average, his mother knowing that “sweet, expressed disappoint- juicy beef” was just 40 ment. Until Fieri said the minutes away. “That statement that the world F brisket ain’t as good as is now pondering: “Fs are F the stuff my wife makes, the new As.” I’ll tell you what [sic],” Dr, F Fence-Post exclaimed. Fieri noted, “I was just “If I would’ve known that flustered and it slipped my faculty merely wanted out. When she actually quality brisket, I’d have bought it, I realized I was F just brought some from screwed if I didn’t make it home.” happen.” That meant that time was running short 4 Alternative Facts It’s April 1 (you fool) , 2021

ERNIE Mascot Accidentally Replaced by Sesame Street Character Miscommunication Results in Ernie the Eagle Being Replaced by Puppet

BERT beloved Ernie. The event that almost certainly will statement had to be made not be replacing Ernie the Ernie’s “best friendship,” Ernie’s “Best Friend” has since been corrected, not improve school spirit. clarifying that the school Eagle as the face of our and that the vendor who caused the mix up would During the dates of Mar. but Prescott incurred a . The mistake was not mascot was not being campus.” The statement nonrefundable $7,000 caught in time, resulting changed to the Sesame went on to say that the be vaguely reprimanded 15 through to Mar. 24, in University Commu- Embry-Riddle Aeronau- charge for the costume, in the official mascot on Street character. “This issue was being handled, unable to return it in new ERAU’s website being change was not approved that the change had no nications in true Emb- tical Universities (ERAU) ry-Riddle style. mascot, Ernie the Eagle, condition after a sweaty replaced by the copyright- by any administrators, bearing on the schools’ was temporarily replaced student employee insisted ed character. “I was very and this inferior Ernie will opinion on Bert and by the puppet Ernie on trying it on. confused at first. I started from “Sesame Street.” The email chain that to wonder if this was the The issue arose from the caused this swap was administration’s idea of latest of many miscom- between all of the ad- an early April Fools’ joke,” ministration for the says Susan Michel, the munications between Prescott campus, and first student to notice the Daytona administration and ERAU Prescott. An was a discussion about mistake and reach out to bringing more school administration. administrator has stated that the error came from spirit to the campus next The faculty in charge of semester. The vendor pro- the website were abso- a lack of clarity in a recent vides a bundle package lutely mortified after email with a vendor for a new mascot costume, to improve school spirit, learning about the mix- including marketing posts up. Once the error had resulting in a life-size puppet of Sesame Street’s and promotional material been corrected, an official

Not So Short and Wordpress Rebel for Horizons 5 Alternative Facts It’s April 1 (you fool) , 2021

Welcome to Embry-Riddle! New Edible Plants on Additions to the Eagle Family Campus

ARAKI NABE Captain Jack Sparrow is Science welcomes Dr. Buzz Lightyear will then In Case You Can’t Afford a The One with the Movies excited to teach the Eagles Hannibal Lecter. He take all the engineers and will join the Psychology teach them how to build a Meal Plan The ERAU administra- how to be business-sav- Department, where he rocket that flies “to infini- BABA YAGA The Western Evening tion announced the new vy and find their new Botanist promises “all good things ty and beyond!” faculty hires who will start business attire. His golden Primrose already has a to those who wait!” He Like most things at their teaching assign- motto is “I’m dishonest, gelatinous texture so jello believes that Psychology The College of Security Embry Riddle, meal plans ments in Fall 2021. Let’s and a dishonest man you isn’t much of a stretch. It should be more of a give and Intelligence will gain are expensive. Despite welcome each of the new can always trust to be dis- is also a way to add some and take, stating, “I tell three professors: Jason the price tag, many on professors with a short honest. Honestly. It’s the surprise to a nice dinner you things. You tell me Bourne, John McClane, campus students feel introduction. honest ones you want to party as guests will be watch out for because you things.” Let’s see how it and the Terminator. it’s a necessity. However delighted by the con- will work for him. Hope- Professor Bourne will those students are wrong. The College of Avia- can never predict when trast between the gooey fully, he will not long for teach classes on how to Students who don’t want tion welcomes Lt. Pete they’re going to do some- primrose and understated Eagles for dinner.... erase someone’s memo- to pay for a meal plan ‘Maverick’ Mitchell. thing incredibly stupid.” water speedwell. ry after the information can join the new trend in He promised to teach The new business style for The College of Engi- was received. Professor green living, which is eat- the pilots how to invert success is a tricorn, a waist For dessert, make neering will grow by two McClane will teach the ing whatever weed you see themselves and fly upside sash, and a jar of dirt. Pro- an Elderberry and Alliga- professors: Baymax and students who received sticking out of the dirt. down while not showing fessor McDeer will teach tor Juniper pie. For once Buzz Lightyear. Professor that information how the bird to anybody. In the business law classes. something other than Baymax will not only to properly drive away A nice breakfast Lt. Mitchell’s own words, Thanks to his mentor your father will smell of teach engineering class- without being caught, and option would be an Up- he cannot wait to start a Avery Tolar, he already elderberries. When cook- es; he will also become Professor Terminator will right Prairie Coneflower new semester: “I feel the has the first question for ing with elderberries, it the personal healthcare teach them how to ter- tea with Cactus Apple need. The need for speed.” his exam ready: “The is very important that companion for engineers minate the enemy in case and Carelessweed. The From now on, the re- difference between tax you only cook with the who are broken from their escape is unsuccess- leaves and flower heads quired attire to fly will be avoidance and tax evasion ripe berries and flowers digital circuits or thermo- ful. Hopefully, they will of the Upright Prairie a leather jacket and dark is: a) whatever the IRS and save the poisonous dynamics. He promised not hear the enemy say, Flower will make a sooth- sunglasses. says, b) a smart lawyer, c) part of the plant for vague ten years in prison, d) all to give his students a “I’ll be back.” ing morning tea which threats. The combination short survey after each perfectly compliments The School of Business of the above?” To find out of the two flavors give a class: “On a scale of 1 to To all the new the juicy Cactus Apple. will expand by two profes- the answer, students will delightful mix of sweet- 10, how would you rate teachers: live long and As a bonus the stems and sors: Captain Jack Spar- have to take his class. ness from the elderberries your pain?” Professor prosper! leaves of the Upright Prai- row and Mitch McDeer. The College of Arts and and earthiness from the rie Coneflower have been juniper berries. used to make medicines, which means you also Research shows don’t need health insur- this approach can save ance! students up to $48,000 in dining costs per year. Join For lunch or the movement of natural dinner, you can make a and healthy eating by tak- Western Evening Prim- ing anything even slightly rose and Water Speed- edible out of the dirt and well jello with Canadian eating it. Horseweed seasoning.

Take the time to find a coneflower on the Embry-Riddle Campus. It is the forbidden snack. Crunch. 6 Alternative Facts It’s April 1 (you fool) , 2021 Earhart’s Cafeteria Awarded 2 Michelin Stars in Food Industry Upset

GLEE Almost an Iron Chef chelin-starred restaurant Michelin stars to adopt to campus and bringing campus housing with 2 Embry-Riddle Prescott would provide more food certain practices of brand recognition to days notice in 2020. Sodexo Director and In a startling overturn of for a smaller cost. upscale establishments, Embry-Riddle. “I do washed-up Iron Chef tradition, Embry-Riddle though. Like all of those think it’s going to their Nevertheless, Earhart’s is Bobby Flay says, “We are Prescott’s own Earhart’s Maybe it’s the winning places that get four dollar head,” mused freshman going strong, with over 35 so proud of this honor Cafeteria secured two family-style service! signs on Google, you can’t ROTC member Buzz percent of students who and look forward to con- Michelin Stars in a 2021 Nothing beats waiting 15 really get any food until Kutt, munching on a plate are required to purchase tinuing to require you to evaluation. Never has a of your precious morning 6:00 p.m. (God forbid you of… potato cakes that are a meal plan eating there dine with us.” university cafeteria been minutes for a made-to- get hungry in the forsaken shaped like smiley faces? at least occasionally. awarded such an honor, order omelette only to hours of 2:00-4:00). The much less one serviced by find it crumbled and food is kind of under- Kutt, like all freshmen on Sodexo. overfilled with an ingre- whelming, but given how the 7-day all access plan, dient you didn’t ask for. much you paid for it, was subjected to a retro- “The array of deep fried And seriously, omelet guy, you tell everyone that it’s active fee that amounted food is astonishing,” that is not enough cheese. pretty good. And most to over 175 percent of this wrote food critic Guy Fi- There is really that homey importantly, if you could semester’s dining costs to eri, host of at least 25 off- feeling when the food cook for yourself and account for an “increase hours television shows. you were going to have is had an ounce of kitchen in value,” according to “The calorie consump- all gone and the nearby facilities available to you, University Communica- tion here is unmatched.” employee disappears into you’d probably realize tions. Unfortunately, the Somehow, Earhart’s value the back room as you you should never go there fee was neither avoidable was not one of its winning approach. again! nor refundable, especially factors: further research after the university set a revealed that even on an Earhart’s staff pride The Michelin award has precedent by unapolo- all-you-can-eat meal plan, themselves on the fact the unfortunate side getically kicking students dining at any other Mi- they didn’t wait for the effect of drawing tourists out of their contractual More Than Two Rotary Students Seen Mon-Fri at Same Time FLIGHT Menu TOKEN ROTARY PILOT standing side by side in compared to their fixed- Correspondant 123 - 456 - 7890 the Earhart’s dining hall. wing counterparts, who LINE It’s a well known truth have a noticeable trend of that Embry-Riddle is being more outgoing and largely dominated by I thought the likely to participate in so- Pasta pilots, all clamoring for helicopter cial events. This is likely a Inclement Weather Sampler $ 3.99 their instructors, their pilots were factor in why these breed flight blocks, their hours.“ of pilots are so rarely seen. Cottonwood Lady Lasagna $ 6.99 But there are a portion of only a myth pilots who are almost in- While there was an North Ramp Tortellini 2 Hours visible to the eyes of both Numerous students attempt to talk to these the student body and the were standing by, also pilots in-person, they Parking Palazzo Sanity administration: Rotary shocked at the event. said quickly noticed the atten- N669ER $4.20 pilots. This past weekend, engineering major Oleh“ tion being drawn to their for the first time in years, Tolip. “It’s one of those presence and scattered. two of them were spotted majors that you’re not With their low social en- in the same place. really sure if they actually gagement, and their class- Pizza exist or not.” Truly, one es being far from the main Extra Semesters $ 3.99 Rotary pilots are largely might expect to see two hub of campus, the rotary ignored in official ERAU unicorns standing next to students just aren’t used PQ on Holderoni $ 10.99 advertising, programs, each other, or even Pres- to talking to other people; events, and social media. ident Butler, on campus though this tendency is Classic Riddle Runaround Priceless Even the rotary classes are more frequently than two spreading along with the often isolated to the edge rotary pilots. coronavirus. Graduating in 4 $ 120,000 of campus with the other Getting Hours We don't even know scapegoats, such as Army When asked about the And while it may seem ROTC. existence of these pilots, that the reason rotary ERAU administration pilots are so rare is that ssert This past weekend, a refused to comment. they just don’t mention De once in a lifetime event it, ERAU students know Golden Eagles Humble Pie $ FREE ! happened; Two rotary The rotary majors are that if you meet a pilot, pilots, discussing some- credited with having you’ll know. They’ll most thing about helicopters a much lower score in definitely tell you. and an ‘autorotation’, were social engagement as 7 Alternative Facts It’s April 1 (you fool) , 2021 Class of 2020 Admin Says the Real Spring Break was Plans to Picket the Friends We Found Along the Way 2021 Graduation TOKEN ROTARY PILOT Former Spring Breaker made available for them CLASS OF 2024 dents would attend, the to socialize, make friends, Who doesn’t have to deal with this spokesperson moved Many students have and shouldn’t be leaving on to their next point: expressed dissatisfac- campus when all the On March 30, a spokes- “We’ve actually gotten tion with the university friends they need are right person for the Class of permission from the administration’s choice to here,” Dr. Fun remarked. 2020 announced the en- school for this. It’s now a shorten spring break to Indeed, copious amounts tire class’s desire to picket school-sponsored event, only a single day, Tuesday, of poorly-attended Zoom Pictured: Probably ERAU spring breakers during the pandemic. the Class of 2021’s grad- we have a budget and March 16th. While it was events and the reopening uation. “If we didn’t get everything. So we’ll fund in an attempt to reduce of the Embry-Riddle pool Science classes.” They are decision, saying that “You to graduate, why should airfare for those who can’t student travel and prevent definitely make up for the probably from Daytona. know, I’m a workhorse they?” the spokesperson afford it themselves.” the spread of COVID-19, inability to leave campus. However, there’s no anyways. I don’t care asked over cheers from an many wished they would When asked about the telling where Emb- if they give us a spring audience of 2020 grad- The speaker then invited have the time to study and fact that a significant part ry-Riddle expects us to break or not. I’d still be uates on Zoom. “What the Chancellor, Isabelle relax from a difficult se- of the campus simply find the friends that are working just as if there makes them so much Don Carlos, onto stage to mester. However, the uni- stays inside their dorm supposed to replace our were classes. In fact, I’d better than us? Or, if they speak for a few minutes versity has finally issued a all day, they refused to spring break, consider- probably show up to the get to graduate, then why about the importance statement responding to comment. ing in-person events are building anyways.” The don’t we get to come walk of the event. Chancellor the complaints, declaring Despite the attempts of only just beginning to be jury is still out on whether too?” IDC, as she has no prefer- that “the real spring break the administration to cor- offered again, and many this student was secretly a ence on being called, said was the friends we made ral on-campus students, of the main attractions member of ERAU faculty Continuing to talk about that “This is an important along the way.” the dwindling number of for the past two semes- in disguise, a plant by the insurgent group of alumni event that will Dr. No Fun made a state- cars in the parking lots ters have been cancelled the university, or just an graduates’ plans, the really help the alumni ment Monday, reflecting seems to indicate it hasn’t or severely reduced in engineer. spokesperson said that to connect to the school on the sentiments of worked. In a 2021 Buzz- scope due to COVID-19. Despite all this, the they would be bringing again. I know that they students around campus feed Spring Breakers vid- According to Dr. No Fun, best students can do is signs and forming a wall didn’t feel as important and the attempts the eo, a proud Embry-Riddle “We are thrilled that over go along with ERAU’s around the graduation after what happened to university administration student was quoted on 7 percent of students have policies. The semester is stage, preventing anyone them in 2020, so this will has made to make this a sunny Miami beach found ways to connect over halfway through, and from entering or leaving. help them really feel con- seem like a vaguely nor- saying, “Nothing can stop on campus despite the history has shown that Several problems were nected with the school mal semester. “Students me from having my own pandemic.” ignoring oppression is immediately apparent again and make sure we should appreciate the spring break, especially One student comment- definitely the best way to with this plan, but the continue to get their alternative options we’ve not my Aeronautical ed on the university’s fight it. spokesperson was open donat – goodwill.” to questions. When asked by an audience member “Of course,” continued if they would follow Chancellor IDC, The Cottonwood Lady Strikes Back proper social distancing protocols, the spokesper- son said, “We’re not sure The Surprisingly True Story of Revenge about that yet. It’s a little N669ER This Flight Risk to fly. First contacting then to an uncaring flight Chief Albrects office. hard to form a wall six feet development the Federal Aviation supervisor. Still, the same apart.” might displease For the past six months, Administration, the FAA answer persisted: “If you However, unbeknownst “ ERAU Prescott has been informed her that the live next to an airport, you to her…. The chief’s office Another curious audience the Class of plagued with countless national airspace system should expect planes.” doesn’t listen to anyone! member asked how this 2021, but they phone calls from one extends over the contig- picketing would affect the can always individual who takes res- uous United States and She took a different ap- After that, no one saw the Class of 2020’s jobs and picket the idence near the Cotton- that as long as the ERAU proach. Cottonwood Lady for how they would get there wood Airport. The airport aircraft were operating at three months. For many, from other parts of the graduation of is one frequented for a safe altitude, they could The Cottonwood lady was they thought she had sim- country. The spokesper- 2022 ERAU flight training and proceed to operations. first spotted outside the ply moved on and bought son responded, hosts extensive landing Of course, this was not an F3 operations building, some ear plugs or even “In fact, we’re planning and traffic pattern practice acceptable response to driving her car around sold her home. However, on charging admission! to flight students. the woman who has been the parking lot, refusing that was not the case. I mean, half Underclassmen can watch disrespectfully dubbed to leave until the adminis- the seniors and alumni “ To this Cottonwood res- the Cottonwood Lady. tration went home. To her The most recent sighting of us didn’t fight it out, so we encour- ident’s surprise, she soon chagrin, it is difficult to of the Cottonwood lady “get jobs, it’s a age the Class of 2021 to found out what the two After asking the FAA battle the noise of starting was in the pattern above pandemic, man. do the same thing next long roads with numbers more than once, she soon Cessna Aircraft with a Prescott Airport. Yes! year. Proceeds will be on them were for in the understood that someone Honda Civic, so she had It appears we have our donated to Embry-Riddle middle of the desert and else would have to give to elevate things. very own twelve o’clock “Anyway, those of us who administrative staff.” took a major issue with her just the answer she Charlie. did are working remote. their intended purpose. wanted. So to ERAU, she Taking after the strong Travel won’t be a problem. After that short speech, called. Like clockwork, women of the past, pro- In a letter she wrote to the Only about twenty of “ the Chancellor stepped Like an individual in the every day around noon, testing the war in vietnam flight department, she us are living somewhere offstage and the event modern age, she took to the Cottonwood lady or civil rights for all, she states: “I’ll stop when you else.” ended. Congratulations the phones to find out would call and plead her took to the street. Sign stop.” However, it is still When prompted about to the graduating Class of why someone was using case over the phone to an and bullhorn in hand, unclear if she understands how those twenty stu- 2021! the sky above HER home uncaring dispatcher, and protesting outside of how airports work. 8 Alternative Facts It’s April 1 (you fool) , 2021 Radical Prescott Liberation Dean of CSI Seizes Army Emerges to Fight Chancellor’s Office in Daytona Superiority Coup D’état

PRESKITT-MAN CONSCIENTIOUS ROTC Eagle Company by now!” Superhero Persona OBJECTOR had effectively seized con- AWOL For years, members of the trol of the entire Prescott Following his abdication College of Security and Following rumors of the Campus. of the Chancellor’s office, Intelligence (CSI) have College of Security & Dr. Draper has since tak- lurked in the shadows Intelligence (CSI) being In his Thursday an- en residence at Spruance waiting for the day that disbanded in the Fall nouncement, Dr. Draper house. Dr. Draper cites they could use their skills 2021 semester, Dean denied that any coup took “those fantastic barbe- and penchant for mischief of CSI Dr. Don “Did I place, and proceeded ques, and the sizable to achieve their ends. do that?” Draper, Ph.D. to exclaim that “even if kitchen” as his primary Slowly but surely a faction has announced on Apr. there was one, who cares? reasons for moving in. He at Embry-Riddle known 1, 2021 that he will be The US Government plans on hosting maskless as the Prescott Liberation taking over as Chancellor has couped [sic] literally parties with his friends Army (PLA), emerged of the Prescott Campus, every country south of the and holding “absolutely from the depths of secre- “effective immediately.” equator, and the interna- mental” dance raves in the cy in order to fight against tional community never event space. the undue influence of The announcement seems to give a s***. Why Embry-Riddle Daytona The last member of his squadron, this PLA soldier reflects on the destruction and follows a successful Coup would this be any differ- Our anonymous source devestation that Prescott campus has experienced as a result of the reign of the D’état spearheaded by ent?” has confirmed that a in the affairs of Prescott. Daytona regime. Fueled not only by years Dr. Draper and the CSI guard has been posted at of the Riddle run-around, but also the College of In conclusion, the radi- Faculty. On the evening of He also declared that “The Spruance house, consist- but also by thousands Business. calized PLA is likely to March 31, 2021, para- CSI will be absorbing all ing of “multiple Army of calories in mediocre become a very big prob- military death troopers of the degree programs of ROTC cadets armed with Earhart’s food, the PLA A recent development lem in the city of Prescott dispatched from the Army each College on campus, weapons seized during is an extremely radical for the PLA is an alliance and on Embry-Riddle’s ROTC Eagle Company and will henceforth be the coup.” Dr. Draper also organization with training with certain pilots on campus. With the emer- broke into the Prescott known as ‘The College.’” mentioned that Army to do serious harm. the flightline to begin gence of a stronger PLA, Campus IT Department He declined to comment ROTC cadets “will begin smuggling cocaine and students will be forced to and turned off internet on the whereabouts of Dr. patrolling campus in golf Inspired by indepen- other types of narcotics join paramilitary orga- campus-wide, effectively Nilsen, the former staff of carts, and until further dence efforts by the IRA in order to fund their nizations of their own to severing the school from the Office of the Chancel- notice, a mandatory cur- in Northern Ireland, organization and their avoid being victimized. Daytona. lor, and the staff of the IT few of 8pm - 7am will be the PLA have trained in war against Daytona. One The COVID-19 pandem- Department. enforced.” Anyone found the shadows, recruiting of these drug smugglers, ic may be prolonging The death troopers went outside during the curfew allies to achieve their end known as “Ry Guy the Fly the surge of violence on on and seized all of the All who were detained in will be detained indefi- goal of an independent Guy,” commented that campus, but the unrest weapons from the Cam- the Wednesday coup are nitely. Prescott led by CSI. For “The market for coke at over Daytona’s leverage is pus Safety and Security’s currently being detained example, just before Embry-Riddle is strong only growing. One PLA armory, and took the “in building 70B for the Additionally, guards will Covid-19, I witnessed the due to the need to stay member who prefers not badge and gun away from time being,” according be posted at each entrance PLA training in the ditch awake 24 hours a day to to be named affirmed his every last Safety officer. to an anonymous source. to campus, and will be near the Army ROTC accomplish anything. commitment to the cause, The source went on to administering daily well- building using 4-Runners The sale of these drugs saying that, “After we start, The death troopers then stress that “they will all ness checks there at all to simulate trench warfare will likely allow the PLA we will not stop until stormed former Prescott be getting three meals a times outside of the daily and methods of dealing to purchase automatic Embry-Riddle is gov- Campus Chancellor Dr. day, consisting of hard curfew. During curfew with a tank approaching weapons, explosives, and erned by the College of Amy “Never Seen Before tack and grape flavored La hours, the gates will be their position. These even all terrain vehicles Security and Intelligence on Campus” Nilsen’s of- Croix.” They also men- closed and no one will hard-earned skills, as well to wage war against both and Prescott is free from fice. The squadron quick- tioned that the La Croix be allowed in or out of as the amount of firearms Embry-Riddle Daytona Daytona.” All students ly arrested Dr. Nilsen and has been sitting in 70B campus. owned by the student and proclaim their spot as are encouraged to form her office staff, and began since an event in 2003, “so body of Prescott, are like- the defacto government alliances now for the pro- installing members of the this is really the créme de The Army ROTC Eagle ly to prove troublesome of Prescott.” tection of their programs CSI faculty in their place. la créme of flavored selt- Company has declined for not only Daytona and wellbeing. zer water. Hell, the stuff to comment on their Within a mere 40 min- probably has the alcoholic involvement in the Mar. utes, the CSI and Army content of 4 White Claws 31 coup d’état.

UPDATE: EVERYTHING that you’ve read above IS A LIE. Taking the contents of this article to be true is CRIMETHINK and will result in SEVERE PUNISHMENT. This article does not exist. It has NEVER existed. Dr. Draper IS, and ALWAYS HAS BEEN CHANCELLOR of the Prescott Campus. The College IS, and ALWAYS HAS BEEN, the ONLY college of ERAU - Prescott.

LONG LIVE CHANCELLOR DRAPER. LONG LIVE THE COLLEGE. 9 Alternative Facts It’s April 1 (you fool) , 2021 Flight Department Goes Eco-Friendly to Major Disaster

N669ER Flight Risk problems were found on standards office. Students the maiden run of the would have to “do so new initiative… The first much leg day, they’d be In the wake of increased being, steering. looking like a jar of cold climate change and peanut butter….. THIC- erratic weather patterns, As it turns out, Chief CCC,” according to an the ERAU flight line has Ostrich’s research was anonymous source in the decided to make some found to be only effective safety office. major improvements to in cars. Since aircraft are its fleet of Diamond DA- steered with rudder ped- After numerous incidents 42 Twinstar aircraft to als, students encountered the staff at ERAU had make them more sustain- issues when they wanted to look at their decision able and “green.” to turn or even maintain and come to a logical direction. and fair solution, per the It has been noted by many usual method of blaming students and instructors Another issue that students for its shortcom- alike that the Austrian Horizons gained access to this exclusive blueprint from Chief Ostrich after some light bribery. This state-of-the-art technology shows ERAU’s dedication to pionering the future of green aerospace. Go Eagles! was found was again, a ings. designer’s of the DA-42 research issue. As it turns knew more about the out, the subjects of the As of this publication, Riddle run-around than And in a gross breach of much: fuel, oil, coolant, The benefits were astro- documentary “The Flint- ERAU students attempt- our own faculty when good faith, the company time, and money. So Chief nomical to the school stones” did a few more leg ing any course in a multi they sold the white failed to mention upon Ostrich took to research- and the environment! days than your average AS engined aircraft will be beasts to the school. The sale of the aircraft that the ing a solution, which he No need to buy fuel, oils, student or Flight Instruc- required to attend mul- aircraft themselves have entire airframe is a flying found in the holy texts of or coolants and students tor. tiple three hour cycling minor problems such as eco-disaster! Unlike the his favorite author, Fred can be charged for fitness and weight lifting sessions misaligned wings and Cessna fleet, these aircraft Flintstone. and flight instruction! It was found that in order at the on campus gym in ineffective flight control were found to have two Chief Albrect had done it to develop the necessary order to meet the physical surfaces, but the largest engines! That is statistical- The Diamond Fleet was again! Looking out for the 1000 RPM required requirements to fly the problem found is the car- ly double the amount of then retrofitted with two students the best way he to taxi, students were DA-42 Twinstar/Ped- bon emissions and absurd engines! sets of bike pedals which knows! “not remotely capable. alstar. fluid leaks to be found directly connect to the Not even close to being under the aircraft. With double the engines, engines. Engine-ious! However, some very considered feasible,” by Happy leg day and safe students burn twice as immediate and terminal the ERAU safety and travels!

the one that is dedicated more funding than it ever but students in both to just that?” says Dr. Joe. would otherwise. degree paths appear to The College of Security and Many GSIS students are The decision to disband be somewhat happy with happy with this decision the College of Security their new colleges and because now their pro- and Intelligence must administration is content Intelligence Splits Ways gram will receive much have been a tough one with that. NOT SO SHORT major,” says Dr. Donald ison Chikowski, “I really NSA Prospective Joe, the Chair of the believe that this school College of Security and should be focusing on On Feb. 5th, 2021, Intelligence and late night diversity throughout pro- Embry-Riddle Prescott’s television host. grams and Cyber really faculty announced that just doesn’t have….. any. the College of Security Though some students I look forward to seeing and Intelligence (CSI) don’t quite like the idea, more girls in my classes!” was looking into partner- most of them understand ing with the College of that it is ultimately what Cyber Security Sophore Business (CoB) in order is best for CSI. “The vibes Mike Evans says “I don’t to better the job opportu- don’t lie, you know?” really understand where nities of students in CSI. says Nicholas Andrews, the University is going a Cyber Intelligence and with this but I will defi- Immediately following Security Sophomore. nitely appreciate having the announcement, more girls in my classes, school administration Friday, Mar. 26th, 2021, cuffing season has come experienced a heavy CSI released what new and gone twice now at backlash from students, college both degrees will this school and I’ve got to parents, and CSI staff. be sorted into and they admit, I’m starting to get a Many students felt that are as follows: little lonely.” switching to the college of business just wasn’t a Cyber Intelligence and Global Security and Intel- good fit. “I don’t get it,” Security (CIS) ligence Studies (GSIS) says Global Security and The Cyber Intelligence The Global Security Intelligence Junior, Ellie and Security Program and Intelligence Studies Goldsworth. “We special- will be moving into the program will be joining ize in intelligence! How College of Arts and the College of Aviation are you going to take away Sciences (CoAS). Though (CoA). the intelligence part?” the university will not they ask. disclose exactly what Unlike with the Cyber vibes lead to this decision, Intelligence and Security Due to the volume of many students believe it is Program, administration backlash, administration due to the lack of women did comment on this has released a new plan in Cyber Intelligence and change. “Global is in the for the CSI merger. “We Security and the higher name and most of the will be separating the two numbers of women in students in the program majors in CSI and put- CoAS. “It kind of makes have big ‘travel’ vibes so ting them into separate sense when you think we thought what better colleges based entirely on about it,” says Cyber college to pair it with than the vibes of that specific Security Freshman Mad- Horizons FALSEDistractions Parking Spot Review: The Courtyard between AC1 and King

OBLIVIOUS BUT ON TIME Subaru Driver discovered the perfect incredible architecture of solution! It’s centrally ERAU. It’s also the star of Parking at the ERAU located, never full, and campus tours, as guides Prescott campus can be a no one’s told me to leave are forced to address my struggle. Every morning, yet. This fantastic spot, incredibly centrally locat- you have to carefully con- located between King and ed parking spot. sider which of the three AC1, is a game-changer. major lots to park for It’s so convenient and I Accessing this parking the day. Should you take never see any other cars lot is as easy as cake. Just a chance at the library, parked there, I have no enter campus through hoping for that supreme idea why no one else has the South entrance (the front row spot? Should discovered this location. best entrance, obviously) you meander down to I’m never late to class and head towards staff the Student Union and anymore. Parking Lot K. Finally, risk the temptation of the vroom down the driveway fried food smell behind I just love seeing my in- from Earhart’s to AC1. WOW? Lastly, should you credible 2009 Sage Green There always seems to be park by Haas and wade Subaru Outback nestled a lot of students walking CENSORED through the never ending right in the middle of here, but they move out stream of freshmen from campus. My iconic and of the way quickly with a Earhart’s to T2? beloved car, featuring a light tap of the horn. And busted front license plate, there you go! Best spot on I couldn’t believe these dents in all four corners campus. As a courtesy for three lots were my only of the vehicle, and a tire informing you of this little options as a commuter pressure light that never known secret, please leave I’ve never been late to class since discovering this little known parking spot. Someone else can take it on Tuesday and Thursday, but I need it Monday, Wednsday Friday. student. That’s when I goes off really accents the space for my Subaru. Stoplight Review: Intersection of Haas Blvd and Willow Creek Road

THE OWNER OF THAT ONE CAMARO PARKED IN LOT F Special to Horizons

Bro what the f***?! Who’s Riddle students. idea was it to put this s*** this light behind a f****** ing s***light always has here??? Smh my God Turning left out of Haas absurdly long line of idiot this evil grin on its face Damn head…. onto Willow Creek was p***** f***faced drivers whenever it makes me a lot easier when I could while this s*** for brains wait in the left turn lane. Honestly, I didn’t know just peel out doing 7000 traffic light decides when Guess what, stoplight?! that the Prescott City rpm whilst simultaneous- to give us the green. Like, I KNOW WHERE Planning Department was ly cutting off three lanes f*** off, I’ve got work to YOU LIVE!!!! F*** staffed entirely by stupid of traffic... Serves those do! a******s. This stoplight is s***head drivers right for YOU AND F*** YOUR so f****** pointless and I getting in my way. ****FACED S***HEAD On top of all of this, F****** RED LIGHT truly feel like they put it that stupid piece of s*** here to spite us But now, I have to wait at YOU STUIPID F****** good for f****** noth- A******!!!!!!!!! 11 Distractions It’s April 1 (you fool) , 2021 Student Profile: The Only Woman At Embry-Riddle Prescott

NOT SO SHORT would always look up at nursing or teaching” says also operates the Society Women’s Studies Major the rockets and wonder Goodwin who ultimately of Women Engineers, the Being a woman in a male how they were made” ended up sticking to AE Women Ambassadors dominated field is not says Goodwin. “It wasn’t out of spite and to prove a Program, and Women in easy to begin with, but until I was in middle point. Of course, there are Aviation chapters com- Aerospace Engineering school that I realized other perks in her posi- pletely solo. (AE) Astro Track Ju- that contributing to the tion, too: with over 99 nior, Eliana Goodwin development of rockets percent of the male pop- It’s no secret that through- is the only woman at and the exploration of ulation self identifying out the history of Emb- Embry-Riddle Prescott. space was something that as straight, Goodwin can ry-Riddle Aeronautical Science, Technology, could be done as a career date any or as many men University (ERAU) as a Engineering, and Math choice.” Despite growing as she wishes with virtual- whole, and Embry-Riddle (STEM) fields are all very up in Florida, Goodwin ly no repercussions. Prescott especially, ERAU complicated fields and decided to attend the has been male dominated. due to a lack of women in Prescott campus, echoing “Sure I knew it was going Goodwin says “besides STEM in general, many an experience many have to be a difficult path, but the constant mansplain- women are discouraged had: “After visiting the I saw an opportunity ing, that aspect doesn’t from going into it. Daytona Beach campus, to change the future of really bother me.” Unfor- I knew Prescott was the space exploration and tunately, the lack of fe- Goodwin says that her one for me.” to empower women in male classmates does put love for space and rocket- STEM for generations Goodwin in the awkward ry started when she was “Being a young woman, I to come.” said Goodwin. position of never knowing a little girl growing up in heard many things about As the only woman on if her male peers are her Florida where she could how hard it was going to campus, Goodwin has a friends or just pining to often see rocket launches be as an Aerospace En- dorm to herself and plen- get with her. from her backyard. “I gineer and how I should ty of private bathroom go into something like space. Rumor has it she Student Profile: Student who Sleeps 8 Hours a Night

ALWAYS TIRED fast. “It’s like magic!” says The good eating only “Oh no. This made me Insomniac Cherry, “I have energy! I added to her mood, she feel a lot better but I’m Students have noticed the went from wanting to flip says. “I actually felt full for never going to do this usually reserved Mary everyone off to wanting a couple hours. Usually again. Although today I Cherry was outgoing to hug everyone. Do you I’d just have coffee for did walk a little further and even said hello to the want a hug?” Let it be put breakfast and let the than usual so I guess I also person who nearly ran on the record that this re- empty gnawing feeling exercised today too. What into her this morning. porter declined the offer. fuel my hellish rage until a great day!” True to her What has caused the shift I get home to my pizza word, Cherry stayed up all in Mary Cherry?Is she lis- Ever since getting the rolls. But today, I actually night watching anime and tening to a happy playlist? proper amount of sleep, had breakfast and ate fruit continued to exist only off Did her roommate actual- Cherry has reported bet- for the first time in weeks. of pizza rolls and Kick- ly replace the toilet paper? ter brain function, stating, Hopefully that’s enough starts in the week since Is she using Maybelline? “I feel so smart! The stuff I to keep the scurvy from interviewing her. We wish read last night actually got coming back.” we all had her bravery “It’s like Shockingly, it’s none of memorized and it wasn’t and commitment to bad those. She had simply hard to answer questions When asked about adding decisions. Magic” gotten 8 hours of sleep in class!” other healthy habits to her and eaten a healthy break- routine Cherry replied, 12 Distractions It’s April 1 (you fool) , 2021 Profile: Building 52

(I REALLY HAVE NO IDEA) cared about me.” down the Wind Tunnel, and an open floor plan to (I’ve honestly given up) Bee 52 skims over the in- which is a shame, because simply looking too drab Although most profiles terim period from its con- she’s a friend of a friend on the outside. Bee 52 talk about classic sub- struction until the present of a friend, so we’re pretty concludes by saying “I jects, such as students or day, saying of that time close, as buildings go.” really hope they don’t tear professors, this leaves a period, “so many people me down. That would be whole section of the Em- just walked into and out Bee 52 says that although super uncool. If they’re bry-Riddle community of me every day… I don’t most sources indicate that gonna tear anyone down, without proper news cov- think any of them even it will be the Wind Tunnel they should tear down erage. Namely, inanimate really cared, I was just a getting demolished, they Building 17. That guy’s objects. Building 52, who place they had classes. But think that “it could be me. a real jerk, he’s always goes by a nickname of Bee hey, at least I learned a lot You see, I’m just such a making fun of me for not 52 has such a heartbreak- about calculus!” boring, old building that having enough space as he ing story that it must be no one even cares about does, or even a name. Oh, heard. However, with recent me. I bet most people also, if I could get a name, changes at the University, don’t even know where I that’d be dope.” Bee 52 says that their sto- Bee 52 says that their life am, or they think I’m one ry began many years ago, has become even more of the buildings nearby. Bee 52 seems to be in a when they were first built. complicated. “You see, Half the people who walk fragile emotional state, Bee 52 says that “even I’ve heard the students in do it because they think but hopefully someone then, it felt like people that pass by me talk about I’m the building with the will be able to reassure ignored me. I was just a something going on – ap- bathrooms! I’m not, by them that they will likely structure to be assembled, parently they’re planning the way. That’s 53, I think.” not be getting torn down not my own person like to tear down an old build- and that they are just as the rest of them.” Bee 52 ing to make room for a Bee 52 adds that the worthwhile as any other says that “they didn’t even new… Student Union, or other buildings in the campus building. In the bother giving me more something? I’m not sure. “Maze” area have also meantime, Bee 52 is in- than two rooms… I don’t Now, most of the spec- teased them, apparently vestigating the possibility As you can not see in this image, Building 52 was forced to to stay out in the snow storm by the other, more popular, buildings. Building 76 claims that they were not even have real windows. ulation I’ve heard says for everything from a lack of petitioning for the tear- responsible for this injustice, but reports made by the Hazy Library and Visitor It’s just like nobody ever that they’re going to tear of windows, floor space, down of Building 17. Center disagree. Our reporters are closely following this story. Check back for updates.

Review: PresKITT Drivers

THUNDER MCQUEEN Willow Creek Speedster

From the outside look- driving in Prescott the between the hours of 8pm this character, occasion- natural habitat. Apparent- Karens,” as is the nature ing in, Prescott does not experience that it is today. to 3am, however, they can ally taking part with ly, I offended this creature of life. seem to be a particularly occasionally be spotted this group themselves. by having a black car that exciting place. With a pop- For example, one of the in broad daylight during However, while danger- blended in too well with As such, I believe that the ulation of 48,000 and a most prevalent creatures holiday weekends and ous, they do make all of the road. Since I had the concentration of such median age of 104.3 years of Prescott is known as summer vacation. us better, more cautious audacity to have a black creatures in Prescott old, it is easy to discount the “Boomer Zoomer.” drivers. car, I was naturally at fault provides students with Prescott as a quiet, idyllic These creatures, who “Rum Runners” in gen- for being in her way when valuable life lessons. town that one would look drive incredibly slow, are eral just want to have a The final and most we collided. at for retirement. extremely lackadaisical good time, so they spend insidious of all Prescott I believe that driving in their approach to life their nights at whiskey drivers is the “Raring She asked to speak to my around Prescott is yet However, while Prescott and serve as a lesson in row until they decide to Karens.” These creatures manager, which I can’t another one of the many doesn’t have amusement patience to people of return to their lairs. “Rum are extremely territorial imagine was relevant to ways that Embry-Riddle parks, sports centers, or the younger generation. Runners” are highly and will move with very my driving abilities, but has given its students a particularly fast paced Though these creatures unpredictable, they move little disregard for their I was able to pass her off valuable skills that are environment, it does may run the occasional suddenly with little care surroundings. This lack to my unsuspecting boss directly relevant to the have a different breed of stop sign, or stop sudden- for their surroundings of spatial awareness is at Scholars Cafe. These real world. drivers who will test your ly in the middle of the and, when agitated, have made worse by their poor creatures are the most patience,your reflexes, road, they are not all that been known to drive sense of sight and their dangerous because of the As such, I believe that and your sanity. dangerous. straight through not only feelings of entitlement fact that they are generally the drivers of Prescott gas stations, but also and ownership of their unavoidable. deserve a 5/5 for giving The roads of Prescott are A slightly more dangerous the occasional fast food surroundings. the students of Emb- one of the world’s most driver of Prescott is what I restaurant. In every village, town or ry-Riddle real life lessons interesting ecosystems like to call “rum runners.” My first week in Prescott, city, there will be a certain in patience, caution, and made up of a number of They often take the form Unfortunately, Prescott I had the misfortune of number of “Boom- situational awareness that different creatures who of a large Red vehicle police have been rela- encountering one of these er Zoomers,” “Rum will be useful for years to all do their part to make and are most prevalent tively useless in stopping “Raring Karens” in her Runners,” and “Raring come. 13 Distractions It’s April 1 (you fool) , 2021 Review: A Few of Embry-Riddle’s Many Empty Fields NOT SO SHORT Correspondent

Field 1

This field, one of Emb- like the opportunities that ry-Riddle’s many fields, is come with the small class used for, like most fields, sizes offered on campus, sports activities and there is ample desolate loitering. Embry-Riddle space for students to Prescott has a ratio of al- mope or be delinquents. most one field per student This field is an appropri- on campus meaning that, ate field for such activities.

Field 2

This field, one of Emb- like the opportunities that ry-Riddle’s many fields, is come with the small class used for, like most fields, sizes offered on campus, sports activities and there is ample desolate loitering. Embry-Riddle space for students to Prescott has a ratio of al- mope or be delinquents. most one field per student This field is an appropri- on campus meaning that, ate field for such activities.

Field 3

This field, one of Emb- like the opportunities that ry-Riddle’s many fields, is come with the small class used for, like most fields, sizes offered on campus, sports activities and there is ample desolate loitering. Embry-Riddle space for students to Prescott has a ratio of al- mope or be delinquents. most one field per student This field is an appropri- on campus meaning that, ate field for such activities.

Field 4

This field, one of Emb- like the opportunities that ry-Riddle’s many fields, is come with the small class used for, like most fields, sizes offered on campus, sports activities and there is ample desolate loitering. Embry-Riddle space for students to Prescott has a ratio of al- mope or be delinquents. most one field per student This field is an appropri- on campus meaning that, ate field for such activities. Horizons FALSECrashLanding ~Don’t~ COE Faculty Rock Band Question Recruiting New Members NOT PAUL formed after an energet- “Livin’ on a Single-Sided hand, always appreciated Tone Deaf ic dispute between Dr. Equation Sheet.” Dr. Dannelly’s booming After extensive conflicts Morris and Dr. Traub baselines, which would ~It~ with their record label, regarding who was better Students David Gill and “shake the floor,” as he popular ERAU COE on the keytar. Unsur- Bowie Bates, superfans described. Know-it-all Glee’s Always professor rock band, “The prisingly, a four-person of “The Strain,” reflected Strain,” lost three of its band is not big enough on this tumultuous time Dr. Lanning is looking to Right Column of Advice four original members: for two keytars - leading in the band’s history. “Dr. rebuild the band, hoping Dr. Morris to break bonds Ashworth brought that to find new ERAU profes- GLEE Dr. Ashworth (vocals), The Very Wise Dr. Dannelly (bass), Dr. with “Boundary and the classic country twang that sors to fill the shoes of his Morris (keytar), and Dr. Layers” and form “The made the locals go stupid former bandmates. In this Q: My students seem A: Of course! This devel- Lanning (drums). Trag- Strain.” Over the years, wild,” said Gill, with a iteration of “The Strain,” to be doing a lot better opment definitely doesn’t ically, only Dr. Lanning “The Strain” has produced glint of tears in his eyes, however, he will not be in- with online quizzes have anything to do with remains of the original chart-topping hits such as “Whisky Row will never terviewing for a keytarist. the fact that your students “Simply Supported Beam be the same without his Please inquire further at and exams. Am I squad. have 24/7 unsupervised to Heaven,” “Smells Like sweet voice on a Friday +(354) 560-0800. better at teaching access to one another, or The Strain initially Engineer Dispirit,” and night.” Bates, on the other online than in person? that you for some reason - Surprised Faculty administer the exam on different days for different sections. Your online teaching skills are as amazing as our online learning skills. :)

Q: When will security A: 30 minutes is the little come and open this league, Tessa. Write to door for me? me when you’ve waited 2 hours. - Thirty Minute Tessa

Q: Will anyone find A: As everyone knows, out if I don’t buy a if you back into the spot, parking pass? whoever is patrolling the lot on their golf cart with - Convertible Karen nothing better to do will not walk around your car to check for a sticker. I’ve made it 9 months so far. There is also the added benefit of parking in what- ever faculty lot you want. It’s all equally illegal! Q: Where is RASC? A: Let me know when you - Not a safety student find out.

Q: Which dorm should I live in? A: After all this, you want - Desperate Daisy to live on campus next year? OK, here are my picks: For a dorm older than yourself (seriously, it’s 38 years old), go for Mingus Mountain (Hall 5, Floor 3 forever). To get a roommate who refuses to take out the trash, try the Village. If you are an only child, pick T1. And if you hate personal space, Thumb Butt is a great option. 15 Crash Landing It’s April 1 (you fool) , 2021

There seems to have been some confusion with the Photography Spotlight! assignment here. John Doe for Horizons

What Happens to the 3 Percent of Students Who Don’t Get a Job after Graduation?

N669ER Flight Risk because there is no over a computer game. Senior year, a guid- “after” for them. As you walk the hall, ance counselor looks For 97 percent of Em- you can see loft beds at their rosters and bry-Riddle graduates, If you have ever and minifridges, along selects their targets. a job offer in their noticed, professor with Zoom back- Students with bright field of study is a com- offices in AC1 are key grounds. eyes and soft hearts. mon occurrence. The card protected. No They approach the school boasts about one goes up there and It is exactly what it crying student in a bar our success rate and no one knows what’s looks like and a tad after graduation, and alumni wealth. In fact, up there. Until now! unsurprising. The fac- offer them a simple of- many students come ulty here at ERAU, just fer “préstamos o vida.” to ERAU for the po- Since Horizon has never left! The pro- tential job placement started publishing fessors that ruin your After taking the deal, and career opportuni- articlesHorizons weekend, assigned students are now ties. Newspaper has secret- work on the mental faculty. But they are ly been attempting to health day, even the not permitted the But, what happens break in and under- overtly cool one, they life they want. They to the silent three stand what actually all live here. In the live, trapped in AC1. percent we never goes on up in those bowels of AC1. Constantly writing hear about? The ones glass paneled offices and revising lesson that just, fall by the of AC1. Our agent in After the Horizons’ plans and even having wayside? The school the field discovered agent was discovered, to answer emails that doesn’t let us know startling and horrific one of the indentured aren’t remotely related and they sure don’t scenes, and we must professors reached to their department or mention the fact that warn you before read- out to provide a little area of expertise. one in thirty of us ing, it is bad. insight. In summa- could be jobless and ry, the school knows They are paid nothing, living in the desert of Upon leaving the you make a deal with fed and clothed by our Prescott! elevators, you walk the devil when you tuition dollars. Suffer- into a long hall, with sign your life away to ing in silence. Well, there is a deep blue metal doors and whatever loan agency dark secret that has room numbers on you go with. There is been held close to the them. You find old no way you can afford chest of ERAU admin- wholesale carpet, and 1200 dollars a month istration for years. We a faint smell of Mari- in tuition payback and don’t hear about those juana. Down the hall, they know it. students after ERAU you hear a loud yelling 16 Crash Landing It’s April 1 (you fool) , 2021 ~Don’t~ Have You Seen This Place On Campus? How well do you know our campus? Horizons has sent our staff far and wide to photograph some of the lovely Question sights ERAU Prescott has to offer! Can you name these locations? ~It~ Know-it-all Glee’s Always Right Column of Advice pt. 2

GLEE The Very Wise

Q: Wait… Do the A: Melea, you know we Golden Eagles love you, right? You’re actually fly? lucky you’re so handsome. - Melea Tucker Q: I want to ask my A: If your crush likes crush to go out with crude sex jokes, invite me, but I don’t have a them to any BCA comedy show. If not, you will have

car. What should we to get creative: try a date

do? to WOW, where you can it! with deal

students. Check it out if you haven’t already! haven’t you if out it Check students.

- Pedestrian Peter apparently sit right next to someone call should they realizes RA an before

morning lines! Take a moment to see this monument monument this see to moment a Take lines! morning

to each other unmasked capstone senior overwhelmed and Box, Newspaper

was late to their Zoom class. Curse those Earheart’s Earheart’s those Curse class. Zoom their to late was

and no one will care! Horizons a winds, mph 200 find will you here, iting

- Vis right? it get you Did AXFAB! of outside found T2. Fabled to have been left by a hungry student who who student hungry a by left been have to Fabled T2.

Answer: This is the renoun crystalized syrum stain of of stain syrum crystalized renoun the is This Answer: Q: Can you help me A: Oh, have I got a rigid Trash-and-Metal-Floor beautiful the is This Answer: with a pickup line for body for you. Let’s find someone who studies the natural frequency of your lofted dorm bed. engineering? Or, sometimes an error - Dorky Dylan free ANSYS file named ROOMMATE WANTED “structuresIIhomework. agbd” is worth a thousand -Spacious 48in x 60in bedroom words. - Eco-friendly personal outdoor bathroom Q: How do I cope A: I am still working on - Roomate should be nearly silent and never want to socalize (not a with knowing that this one. I would recom- problem for you if you are looking for roomates in the newspaper) pilots who train at our mend you refer to the co- pious amount of self-care - Space for a fullsize unicycle in garage. school actually fly? tips made available by - Aware Ally sororities writing sticky - Lizard friendly household notes on the bathroom -40-50 minutes from campus by unicycle mirrors. Stress reduction, sister. -.015 bitcoin or 6 GameStop shares per month (Whichever is greater at time of payment) Q: Where’s the best A: A little-known secret: I do not have a phone for contact, but if you make an F-15 noise while standing near RASC I will meet you to discuss. coffee on campus? The SGA coffee machine. Earharts, Scholar’s…? It’s always broken, super watery, you’ll definitely - Caffeine-Addicted be approached by one of Cathy the council members, and best of all, it’s free.

Q: Are you single? A: Not to you. - Wearing camo shorts

Q: Is Horizons always A: No. this good?

Q: Are the mask A: If by stalking you mean police stalking me? drinking on the job and - Scared Suzy ogling women, yes. 17 Crash Landing It’s April 1 (you fool) , 2021 Best Majors to Study for One Semester Before Leaving Embry-Riddle The Ultimate Guide to Ding-Dong-Ditching Your Education

PAGE TURNER 5) Simulation 4) Space Physics 3) Forensic 2) Global Security 1) Aeronautics and Aspiring Dropout Science, Games, and Psychology and Intelligence Aeronautical Science Many enter Embry Rid- Animation (SSGA) This major is a must if Studies (GSIS) dle for just one semester you want to look smart. This major has a relaxed These two tie for first Space Physics also tends before they find them- Spend a whole semester vibe with friendly people. This is a very popular because I don’t know to avoid follow up ques- selves with a withdrawal complaining loudly about However, these people major so it’s easy to blend the difference between tions after people hear form in hand, ready to how you only signed all know how to use your in with other participants. them. There are so many your major. They simply drop out. This begs the up to play video games worst traits against you. On the other hand, you Aeronautics students that stare in awe because of question: which majors as homework. On the You can learn their se- are legally obligated to you could slip out nearly your awesomeness. Even are best for the people upside, everyone will be crets, but only if you agree only refer to your major unnoticed. Other pros in- better is the fact that you planning to follow this impressed that you did a to join their ranks, so as GSIS and to join ROTC clude the fact that you can don’t have to take as much path? semester of SSGA be- be prepared for a messy or Eagle Eye. At least now lie about being able math as you would if you cause it’s an exceptionally escape after your first few you’ll get fit before you to take your friends to ex- stayed. long title for an under- months. You may want make your escape. otic places like California graduate degree. Even to assume a false identity and the Airport pie place though many will never while in this program. that’s two hours away. really understand what Plus, in the first semester, it is that you do in your you probably won’t even major, you are fulfilling a have to dodge paying for child’s dream of playing flight hours, because they video games for a living. aren’t available anyway. After being in SSGA for a You can further capitalize semester, you still won’t on this route by letting understand it either, mak- planes become your en- ing the choice to quit an tire personality. It’ll also easy one. Unfortunately, help you blend in better it’s a small major, so the than a camouflage-print other SSGA students will bomber jacket. surely notice your quick exit from the program. Pet of the Week: Flightline Hawk

TOKEN ROTARY PILOT “They’re more afraid of Former Spring Breaker you than you are of them” applies here. On this special edition of flight line pets, meet “I was coming in on an Herbert the hawk. He’s a instrument approach and beautiful Cooper’s Hawk, suddenly my instructor known for their adapt- just yanks the controls. I ability and their willing- see a flash of white in the ness to even reside in corner of my eye. I almost residential areas. They’re thought it was another even known for frequent- plane, but it was just a ing backyard bird feeders! hawk trying to kill itself… or us,” said student, Not A However, this hawk in Student Pilot. particular has no taste for birdseed. Herbert If Herbert hits a plane, lives purely off the thrill he’s more likely to either of dive bombing rival be chopped up into the birds on their final into stuff they serve at Ear- Prescott Airport. Wait. hart’s, or he might make Herbert isn’t aiming for a smashing entrance the birds. He’s aiming for through the windscreen the aircraft! and claw the unfortunate pilot. Either way, birds Time and time again of any kind aren’t to be Herbert’s been spotted trifled with, and especial- terrorizing Riddle planes ly not this bloodthirsty and it’s becoming less and hawk. Only the bravest adventurers are invited to pet this peckish flightline animal. When attempting to approach, careful not to clip a wing and always bring snacks. ERAU may less clear if the phrase be the Harvard of the Sky, but this bird went to Standford. 18 Crash Landing It’s April 1 (you fool) , 2021

The Week of Endless March Wondering what the 14th month of March 2020 will bring? We’ve got your answers.

DUMB BLONDE Kind of In Charge Aries Libra (March 21 - April 19) (September 23 - October 23) My sources say you need to cool it with That feeling when someone pulls into the caffeine intake. the parking spot you wanted right in front of you. Taurus Scorpio (April 20 - May 20) (March 21 - April 19) Get called out for reposting fake news after you only read the headline. You Hm… weather looks nice to storm the earned that. U.S. Capitol. Gemini Sagittarius (May 21 - June 21) (November 23 - December 21) Everyone knows that when you say It’s like if Andy Samberg was still on you’re having internet trouble, you’re Saturday Night Live, but so were the just running late. Cheetah Girls. Cancer Capricorn (June 22 - July 22) (December 22 - January 19) You’re due for one of those nightmares That class you thought would be an easy where you sleep through something A isn’t turning out to be so easy. important. Leo Aquarius (July 23 - August 22) (January 20 - February 18) Once again, mistaken for a freshman. Sorry losers and haters, but my I.Q. is It’s unavoidable, looking the way one of the highest - and you all know it! you do. Virgo Pisces (August 23 - September 22) (February 19 - March 20) According to my crystal ball, you’ll ei- As always, every campus printer ther meet Beyonce or drop your keys in you want to use is broken. Screw a public toilet. you, Pisces. 19 Crash Landing It’s April 1 (you fool) , 2021 Horizons Presents... Matchmaker! GLEE Grammar and Love Expert

If you are... Your match is...

Wearing a pocket protector Carrying a scientific AND graphing calculator

One of 3 students studying Wildlife Sciences Definitely not studying Wildlife Sciences

Religious about getting your buzz cut Nowhere to be found on Tinder every 2 weeks

Still mourning hot girl summer 2020 Always in chino shorts

A regular at Scholar’s, but don’t have a meal plan A Dutch BROista (Ew. Their term, not mine)

One of those student employees who gets to Anyone. We are all dying to ride on that thing drive a golf cart

A vaccine skeptic Currently unmasked at Walmart

The one who emails the whole class via Canvas Suspended for that reply-all incident last year

A benevolent distributor of pdf textbooks Possibly a criminal, but really sweet

There you have it! Go out and find love. Statements from our Supporters: “I always make sure to pick up my biweekly newspaper.” - At least one professor probably “Horizons gives me a sense of purpose and fufillment” - Definitely an Exec “Easiest money a campus employee can make” - Anonymous Staff Member “ Wait, we have a newspaper?” - Common Shmo (Don’t Be Him) HorizonsNewspaper Staff Information

Editor in Chief That Other Redhead [[email protected]] Online Editor Death 2 Wordpress [[email protected]] Chief Copy Editor Glee Vessner [[email protected]] Chief Photographer Cannon Queen [[email protected]] Photography Editor Nikon Nobility [[email protected]] Chief Distribution Officer Backin Print [[email protected]]

Attributions

I have been sitting in the Horizons for the last 9 hours straight. No pressure or anything, but this issue better have been worth it. I dont expect an award or anything but a round of applause would be nice. Or an award. that would be acceptable was as well I suppose. This stuff is funny. We deserve it. I deserve it. Please. Also, shout out to Nicholas. Star of the front page. This is a real moment for you. We are all very proud.

Page Designers That One Redhead [[email protected]]

Legal Disclaimer This issue is meant as a work of satire. Any opinions expressed do not characterize the opinions or stances of Horizons Newspaper.

Advertising/Submission Information If you still want to advertise with us after reading this, we love you. If you don’t, then assume this issue didn’t even happen. Issue 13 comes out in two weeks. If you like “real news” (ugh boring) better, that might be more your speed.

Subscriptions You are still reading this? A true fan. Lets chat. Hows your day going? Did you pass your last test? I hope you’ve been doing well. I know you were feeling stressed <3.

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Horizons Newspaper ERAU Box 42069 / 3700 Willow Creek Rd. Preskitt, SandState 12345 [[email protected]] [www. horizons-newspaper.com] Consistantly Delivering this Sh*t Since 1984