Felix EDITOR “Keep the Cat Free”

20/06/14 Issue 1581 felixonline.co.uk Sex In Fisher NEW Hall Damages INFO Wall Ben Fernando adds to Reporter

Further concerns have been raised in recent weeks about the structural integrity of the Fisher Hall buildings in Evelyn Gardens, including the event mentioned in the above title. Following a prior investigation of Fisher last year, EXAM this author visited again to examine the most recent developments as the building slowly disintegrates around the poor Freshers inside. The alarming incidents reported add to the recent controversy surrounding the college’s accommodation policy, with both the move to North Acton and the poor quality of the Wilson House refurbishment sources of concern. SCANDAL Upon revisiting Fisher, the first Fresher we encountered (who wishes to remain anonymous) repeatedly described the building as a ‘shithole’, and mentioned that they knew someone who had been moved to another hall for a week Engineering students, the first page of the question paper. recently as the accommodation team worked to repair part Kunal Wagle of the answer scheme was included However, it has since become clear of the ceiling that had apparently collapsed. They was happy News Editor alongside the question paper due to that this does not tell the full story. to take us to a part of the building in the corner of House a printing error. The Department Reading the first half of the exam paper, 30 not previously visited, where their friend gave us a guided More information has come to became aware of the situation within it seems that the solutions could have tour of a double room. light on the scandal that hit the five minutes of the exam beginning. provided more assistance in answering The ceiling behind the door had a metre-long crack final exam for first year students The exam was halted and the papers the questions than the College have running through it, which is reported to leak. The far on the Electronic and Information were removed from the students. let on. According to a student we corner near the window contained a rather Engineering (EIE) course. Last contacted, elements of some questions unsightly black patch of mould, week the students sat their The Department reviewed the did not require extensive work to reach which the occupant Operating Systems paper, but situation carefully and concluded that an answer. In fact as part of the first insisted that moments after the exam started students would not have been able to question of the paper, candidates the there were fits of laughter as the use the information to any advantage are asked to “list advantages and department had accidentally left during the short time they had access disadvantages” of three different the mark scheme for the first half to part of the answer scheme. algorithms. This would mean of the paper attached. that a student who copied what After some discussion between the The exam questions required students was written on the mark scheme invigilators, the papers were collected to demonstrate the application of an could potentially gain many of the and replaced with fresh copies minus algorithm to a given data set setting out marks for that part of the question, the offending sheet. When asked by detailed reasoning in their solutions. without having to add the “detailed the Daily Mail for a statement the The required algorithms were not reasoning” the College mentioned. College said: revealed in the answer scheme. In addition to this, new information College were During an examination being taken Once this was established, the exam has now surfaced... aware of but had yet to by 30 first-year Electrical and Electronic recommenced with the correct version Continued on Page 4 rectify. Something tells me that 2 Editor’s Picks FRIDAY 20 JUN

Campus Services on Fisher A College Spokesperson gives an update

· Some preventative work was carried out to a corridor ceiling out- side a room in January. During this work the residents of the room were unable to gain access between 10am and 5pm and were offered the use of an alternative room for this time – which they accepted. The work was car- ried out as planned and the students were able to gain access to their room that evening.

· Occasional water leaks from balconies or showers can cause damp. These are always reported immediately to the help desk by staff to make sure they are fixed. Accommodation staff continue to monitor the situation and students with any concerns can contact their Hall Supervisor.

· The College maintains an asbestos register across all sites and works closely with asbestos specialists to closely monitor and address any repair needs as and when they arise. There are occasions, as with the wall in ques- tion, when temporary repairs are carried out to secure an area ahead of permanent work being done. This temporary maintenance poses no health risks and permanent repairs due to take place over the summer.

· Aesthetic maintenance is ongoing in Fisher Hall and will continue. Plans are in place to redecorate approximately 25 rooms this summer.

Felix, Beit Quad, Prince Consort Road, London SW7 2BB. THE YEAR Email: [email protected]. Tel: 020 7594 8072. Fax: 020 7594 8065. Printed by Iliffe Print Cambridge, Winship Road, Cambridge. THE Registered newspaper ISSN 1040-0711. LAST OF THANKS TO Copyright © Felix 2014. EDITORIAL TEAM: Editor-in-Chief Joe Letts, Deputy Editor Tessa Davey News Editors Nida Mahmud, Aamna Mohdin, Maciej Matuszewski, Kunal Wagle, Aemun Reza Features Editors Nida Mahmud, Shiladitya Ghosh Wellbeing Editor Marissa Lewis Science Editors Philippa Skett, Keir Little, Fiona Hartley Politics Editors Kartikeya Rana, Jash Rughani Food Editors Carol Ann Cheah, Michael Chung Comment Editors Eoghan J. Totten, Tessa Davey, Kunal Wagle Arts Editor Arianna Sorba Fashion Editor Cécile Borkhataria Books Editors Maciej Matuszewski, Eva Rosenthal Music Editors Simon Hunter, Riaz Agahi, Stuart Masson Television Editors John Park, Emily Fulham Film Editor John Park Games Editors Maximilian Eggl, Calum Skene Technology Editors Maximilian Eggl, Yong Wen Chua, Osama Arawa, Clubs & Socs Editor Nida Mahmud Charities Editor Ben Fernando Sport Editor Kunal Wagle Online Editor Maximilian Eggl Puzzles Commanders Kingshuk Dasadhikari, Oliver Price Copycaptains Stephen Ball and Annina Sartor Copycommandos Maximilian Eggl. Mattin Mir-Tahmasebi, June Yin Gan, Tom Rivlin, Ellen Mathieson Editor-Without-Portfolio Jonny Pratt. A huge thanks to the entire team for all the work they put into the paper this year, the hours spent organising, creating and editing content while staring at a computer screen each week. FRIDAY 20 JUN NEWS 3 Just how well maintained Professor is Inventor Kunal Wagle is Fisher Hall? News Editor

Chris Toumazou, professor continued from page 1... of the Year of Electrical and Electronic Engineering, has won the Inventor the room in question room College have given up any of the Year award for Research at won’t be available for tours on form of aesthetic maintenance the European Inventor Awards. the upcoming accommodation when it comes to Fisher. Most Professor Toumazou won the RCSU Colours 2014 open day. of the walls are falling apart award for his work on a new device Travelling upwards, we and cracking, the paint in called the SNP Doctor, which such science many winners encountered a flooded most places is peeling and the uses “small silicon microchips bathroom with a non- carpets look like they haven’t to identify genetic mutations wow! functional light, and a rather been cleaned in many years. that determine a person’s very volunteer worrying sight outside room predisposition to certain hereditary The following sciences students have given a significant 310 in House 24. ‘The cave’ is This is really quite diseases.” Prof. Toumazou was the contribution to the operation and improvement of the Royal a longstanding Fisher feature, unfortunate, given that many only person from the United College of Sciene Union this year! Congratulations! a passage between residents appear to be quite Kingdom to win the award. rooms and the attached to what is James Stirling, who is the Provost kitchen, which left of the building of the College said, “This award Half Colours – Emma McFadden has at most and the survivor really underlines what Imperial four feet of spirit and researchers do best – taking world – Francesco Sciortino headroom. camaraderie leading research and applying it – Oliver Connor However, that it to help solve global challenges. a portion inspires. The whole College warmly – Oscar Farrell of the Given the congratulates Chris. This award – Jasper Menkus President’s Award wall number of is a brilliant acknowledgement of that was problems his hard work and his innovative – Tanvi Raje clearly plaguing the spirit.” – Annina Sartor – James Badman marked as College’s last In addition to becoming Imperial’s – Liisa Veerus – Philip Kent containing major accommo- first Regius Professor during the the carcinogen dation project, the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee year in – Dongwhi Kim asbestos appeared late and shoddy Wilson 2013, he also won the Gabor Medal – Hannah Maude to have been patched refurbishment which resulted at the Royal Society last year. Prof. up with a large amount of in an untreated fungal infesta- Toumazou was also the youngest Full Colours – Ross Webster silver duct tape. Exactly what tion that would have fascinated professor at the College when he lies beneath this duct tape is even the most experienced of was appointed at the age of 33. unknown, but nonetheless the Biology department’s my- Prof. Toumazou has set up the – Olivia Boyd one would think that asbestos cologists and floors that were DNA Electronics Company – Elana Bryan RCSU Club of the Year regulations would require so uneven and mislaid that through Imperial Innovations more than just duct tape to wardrobes seemed in danger in order to market the SNP – Rachel Gregory contain it. of toppling, one wonders if it Doctor. It is thought that the – Fangjia He – MathSoc would not be better to spend new product would save hospitals the sever- large amounts of money, whilst also providing DNA Sequencing results to patients in a matter of minutes instead of weeks. The Sponsored Editorial company has already announced collaborations with major firms such as Roche and Pfizer. Student Discounts At

4 metres Huxley Bins high? Got Fresh Hairdressers a hard hat? Set on Fire! Electrical safety 70m from South Kensington tube in the building does appear al hun- Kunal Wagle to have improved, with the dred million pounds spent News Editor old telephone circuits being on the new halls refurbishing removed and the fuseboxes Evelyn Gardens to a reason- It is reported that at some point last checked, albeit only a year too able standard? week there was a fire in the Huxley Men’s cuts £22 (normally £35) ing abo late. It is remarkable car ut t building, which is home to both All over clipper cuts from £10 d he e a that the passing of p e Investigation the Mathematics and Computing Women’s cut and rough dry £28 p s to t s h the recommended e reveals that departments. In an e-mail sent Women’s cut and salon finish e t g i date did not e c these issues to students in the Computing blow-dry £38 (normally £55) l l u appear to o p are well- Department last Friday; the Highlights from only £40

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hall team p prospec- recently reported of a cigarette Sorry CASH only! H

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some origami s plicants, on level 2 of Huxley building, in FRESH hairdressers are offering

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birds that were e with sto- front of the Clore lecture theatre. the best haircuts, prices and Appointments available Tuesday to r

hung from the H ries of the Please be reminded that smoking service in South Kensington. Saturdays 9.30 to 6.30 a

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l fire alarm in a ? famed 2007 is not permitted in front of any students’ room last Fisher ceiling of the entrances to Huxley or on Please call 0207 823 8968 to We are only 70 metres from year, which resulted collapse circulat- the walkway to Sherfield building.” book an appointment and ask for South Kensington station at 15a in a stern email highlighting ing on The Student The Fire Officer was not available a student discount. Please bring Harrington road, South Kensington, the extreme danger this posed Room. So perhaps the 2015 for a comment. your student ID we look forward to SW7 3ES 0207 823 8968. sent to said student and much freshers will actually be glad of seeing you. chastising. the 40-minute commute that We use the best styling products Check out our website: It is also clear that the awaits them. from Wella, Moroccan Oil, L’Oreal. www.freshhairdressers.co.uk

THE IMPERIAL COLLEGE MASTER’S SUPPORT SCHEME

The Imperial College Master's Support Scheme is part of the HEFCE Postgraduate Support Scheme which offers an outstanding opportunity for students applying for our Taught Master's programmes.

The scheme aims to provide financial support totalling £1.5 million to academically excellent Home undergraduate students or recent Home graduates who might otherwise have been deterred from postgraduate study because of financial constraints. Who is eligible? Home students applying to study a full time Taught Master's degree starting in Value of the award October 2014 in the Faculties of Natural Successful candidates will receive full tuition Sciences, Engineering or Medicine. fee support up to £10,000. Applicants must have had a household Successful candidates with a household income below £42,611 in the final year income below £25,000 will receive an of undergraduate study in one of the additional £5,000 stipend towards living following years: 2011/12, 2012/13 or costs. 2013/14.

www.imperial.ac.uk/studentfinance/icmss FRIDAY 20 JUN NEWS 5 Triathlon win “Best Kit” Award

Sport Imperial ARCS Awards

Coach of the Year – Tom Burwell (Medicals Rugby FC) Sports Media Award – Varsity Live Production Team College Exam Scandal Ethos Award – Shannon Jewell

Continued from Page 1 by a 30-minute break before Part Sports Ambassador of the Year – Zain B (the one with the mark scheme over the circumstances after present). However, as the extra Abbas the mistake had been discovered. time students finished Part A, According to one student, once the other students had returned the invigilators had realised from their break, meaning that Athlete of the Year – Chris Bannon there was a problem, they did the students who were eligible to not immediately collect all of the receive extra time were present for question papers. In fact, whilst the mishap, and were able to listen Team of the Year – American Football the invigilators discussed their to or take part in the discussion course of action, the students of the paper and answers before Club of the Year – IT Tennis chatted about the exam paper taking their break, in which they and the answers (which they still could potentially study the topics had at this point) with their peers they knew were on the exam. for approximately ten minutes. Having looked at the relevant The College’s claim that students documents, it would appear that would not have been able to use the entire module, represented by “the information to any advantage” papers A and B, is worth 7.5% of is therefore questionable. the first year EIE course. Furthermore, when the new When speaking to Felix about What’s happened to the Aldwych Group question papers were provided, the exam paper, another student the students were not forced to said, “[the department] wrongly Aemun Reza When approached to comment group may be scrapped and sold use new answer booklets, meaning thought we couldn’t extrapolate News Editor on the situation, or really lack for parts. that those who managed to copy the answers from the mark scheme of situation, the Aldwych group down answers or hints before the so it was probably wrong for the As a group of representatives declined to reply, which makes us Perhaps the Aldwych group will question paper was removed could exam to go ahead”. of the Student’s Unions and wonder whether there’s actually step up its game with the new have gained an advantage. Felix feels that it is unfair to Associations of the Russell Group, anyone at the other end of the prospect of Oxford joining the Another dimension of the unduly criticise the staff for a simple you would expect them to be computer. non-NUS affiliates club or perhaps situation involved the students mistake. doing, well something. With an they’ll do what they are good at who had extra time to complete However we believe that the empty website and empty promises The pristinely made website that doing, which is nothing. the paper. Operating Systems students should be informed in of meeting at least 6 times a year, has pretty much no content apart was part B of a two-part module more detail about any repercussions, rumours have been spreading from a long list of bullet points Either way, it’s clear that this that also included Computer and that the overall situation could amongst the twittersphere that the about the Constitution along with group either need to step up their Architecture. This was sat in the have been handled significantly group may be disbanding. no press releases, new updates game or step out of the game. morning and was then followed better when it first arose. or events, its no wonder that the

Editors: Nida Mahmud, Maciej Matuszewski, Aamna Mohdin, Aemun Reza, Kunal Wagle [email protected] 6 NEWS FRIDAY 20 JUN The Results are in – What Did the Residential Experience Review do for you? stg d Po rads an Earlier s College d this year Professor a will undertake a Debra Humphris Vice-Provost r feasibility study on the g (Education) set the wheels in motion r possibility of introducing for a review of the ‘student residential e a “Rent Guarantor Scheme” d

experience’ to determine how College n which would enable College to

fares against peers and where improvements U act on behalf of students seeking

could be made. Professor Myra McClure chaired r accommodation without a UK-

the review panel, and members of the panel o

i based guarantor. included Union President David Goldsmith, Union n

Deputy President (Welfare) Marissa Lewis, Head of e College will give greater

S

International Student Support Dr. Sharon Bolton, and r consideration to strengthening

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the Director of Residential Services at LSE Ian Spencer. f student feedback about

t

r renting in the private

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p sector.

p u Of course, the important question that S mun begs to be asked is “what did these Com ica r College tio re n people recommend?” a will work le with the Union and C students to ensure they provide accurate student centred information about halls and support for incoming ning students. de ar College College aims to increase the W will strive to transparency surrounding provide better rent and the costs of Hall training to wardens accommodation and give them more clearly defined roles, as set out in the soon to be finalised Hall Warden Policy and Procedures. Amen ent itie ud s t College plans to S separate the Student

Amenity Fund (the money students contribute towards es communal hall activities) from vic rent charges, reducing the total er College plans to S student contribution and applying e develop a clear package a consistent rate across all halls. g of cleaning and maintenance e This will be in consultation with l services for incoming students l the Union. o and will work with the Union to

C ensure that their communications are transparent. This also includes providing more information about the costs of these services.

To provide more information to students about Warden rotas and maintenance incidents. FRIDAY 20 JUN FEATURES 7

I’d LIKE TO PLUNDER HER BOOTY: Jesse PIRATES: Jane is one of the film’s A REVIEW biggest appeals WITH SCIENTISTS One of Cosmo’s top tips to “spice up your sex life” suggests watching porn together. After weeks of trying to convince Max Hunter, he finally conceded, with the condition that it be in HD, in Dolby Surround.

By Tessa Davey was strong enough that it was her husband for the first time. Even with a million-dollar possible to imagine good acting, This is unexpectedly well-acted, budget, there’s only so much ithout making duration of the film searching and the stiff reading of lines didn’t and is initially realistic. However, money left for CGI, and we were so bold a for potassium nitrate. Despite it really detract any enjoyment, the sex rapidly became too porny, left wondering which of the sex or claim so as to being 1763, it’s never referred to merely adding some comedic and I think the producers missed battle scenes were more realistic. say that we’ve as saltpetre; clearly the writer of value. Several of the leading a trick by skipping the niche They seemed, at times, to have never watched the script was insistent that the actors won AVN awards for best plumped for quantity rather than Wporn, it’s fair to say that neither scientific accuracy be maintained quality, with a large number of of us are connoisseurs of the for a modern audience. beautiful sweeping shots of what cinematographic genre. However, Until I watched this film, I wasn’t could have been Play-Doh boat the 2005 feature-length Pirates, aware that silicone implants, models. That said, the non- with its million-dollar budget, was peroxide, or extensive waxing were computer-generated scenes were, the most expensive pornographic commonplace in 1763. All of the on the whole, very well-composed film ever made at the time, a title actresses were artificially modified and shot, with the exception of now held by its 2008 sequel. This in the breast department, which I a few rather oddly-placed light seemed like it would be viewing think is an occupational hazard of sources (and I’m not talking worthy of our comparatively the genre. That said, as obvious about the non-conventional use of innocent eyes, and certainly stood as I found this, it was apparently candlesticks in the final scene). to be a good candidate to meet his not apparent to a non-female This is a critical analysis, and quality standards. observer. A commendable aside I am picking on the bad points I wouldn’t say that it’s the of the historical inaccuracies is of the film, but I should end by best film that I’ve ever watched, that the participating male actors saying that as far as pornographic but it was definitely the best wore condoms during penetrative films go, this was definitely of very porn I’ve ever seen, in terms of sex. This practice, although fairly high quality, and I would go as cinematographic value. Being 129 commonplace, and sometimes far as to say that it preaches far minutes long, it did start to drag in legally required now, was fairly fewer bad habits that most porn. some parts, but the storyline did unusual in 2005 (and certainly in appeal of a virginity The media frequently reports hold its weight (being very similar 1763), and shows how progressive actor and actress, which might scene, which women could have on how damaging it is for young to Pirates of the Caribbean, this film was, in terms of the genre. say more than I could about the related to. What disappointed people to learn about sex from although not so identical that it We were in agreement that the quality of acting compared to me most, watching this film as pornography, a sentiment that I was boring). aspect that let the movie down was other competing productions. a woman, was the ratio of male would agree is true to an extent. The film follows a pirate hunter the acting. Obviously, the actors What was unusual about this film, to female orgasms in each of However, with an immensely as he, along with his first officer in a film such as this are chosen in comparison to most extended the erotic scenes. There were no popular pornographic feature (played by the well-known Jesse at least partially for reasons other pornography, was that the erotic female orgasms shown in any such as this moving towards a Jane) embark on a mission than their ability to act as though scenes didn’t appear contrived; for scene where a man was present, more realistic portrayal of sex, I to catch the most feared of all that giant CGI sea-monster (ooh- all the scenes, there was context and in only one of the all-girl sex see no reason to artificially shield pirates, and rescue the husband of er) is real, and the pool from which and build up. Yes, this could have scenes (where it wasn’t really clear, the next generation as ours never a beautiful girl that they’ve picked they can be chosen is far smaller. been better, but as the New York but I’ll give it). This inequality was in the days before parental up along the way. This is all done Although some of the (non-sex) Times described it, “a relatively particularly saddens me, because controls. in an attempt to foil his plan to acting was indeed very good, high-budget story of a group of I find it thoroughly unnecessary. ll this said, the best gain great powers from the Sceptre there did appear to be an inverse ragtag sailors who go searching for I don’t think there is anyone judge of porn has to of Inca, which obviously requires correlation between the ability a crew of evil pirates who have a who is going to be turned on by be its ability of inspire a descendant of the family to to make the character believable plan for world domination. Also, a pornographic (male and female) carnal lust. And did it which it was entrusted to activate. and the ability to perform a really many of the characters in the sex scene, who would be turned succeed? Sadly, the I’m sure you can see where this is hot sex scene, which was slightly movie have sex with one another.” off by watching a female climax. onlyA se[a]men to be seen that night going. There is a surprisingly long disappointing. The biggest name This film is described as having I’m sure that these world-famous were of the onscreen variety; Mr plot diversion following a Chinese in this film, Jesse Jane, was been made to appeal to women as actresses are perfectly capable of a Wu’s puny gunshots were unable gunner, Wu Cho (who is as definitely the weakest actor, but well as men, and this is evident. The magnificently faked orgasm, and to arouse any other kind of shots stereotypical as you can imagine), certainly drew in viewers in her film opens to a young, newlywed certainly, there is time to include that night, something which no as spends almost the entire own right. Despite this, the script woman, nervously stripping for it in a film this long. amount of saltpetre could fix. 8 FEATURES FRIDAY 20 JUN SCRABBLE TOUR! Prince Grudge goes to match Prague against an 8 year-old Felix / Max Hunter The other final was a less one-sided panic. After twenty minutes of pleading Will Prince affair. Okosagah took the first game Will Prince with what sporadic roaming 3G my phone Scrabble Reporter courtesy of GANTLINE, OUTDOER Scrabble Reporter could muster, I scribbled down the first list and FARSIDES, but Komol pegged of two letter words I could find. Outside, the On December 6th at around midday, him back in the second. The second was Away from the top of the leader board, sun had long since set. I had my showdown at least 55 games were taking place at decided early on. With WAWS and SUQ one of the most notable players here at nine, the next morning. That gave me the SCRABBLE Champions’ Tournament on the board, Sammy weighed up playing at tournament is New Zealand’s Lewis around 12 hours to know my JO’s from in Prague. 110 players from across CATNAPED before deciding to pass and Hawkins. What sets him out from the my PO’s and my EG’s from my AG’s , as the globe had convened in Prague for give Komol the chance to make something rest of the crowd is that, being aged I whispered myself slowly to sleep with my a tilt at the title of SCRABBLE World more of the limited options on the board. 8, he’s at least a decade younger than wordsheet. Champion and a share of the €25,000 Little had he countenanced that Komol anyone else here. Learning from my As eight year olds go, Lewis Hawkins prize pot. Players from as far and wide might play GYMPIEs, having picked up the failures in adopting the direct approach seemed pretty well travelled. Having made as Bahrain and Barbados had come to blank. Bingo, double letter on Y, it scored with Nigel, I managed to convince him it to Prague via Bangkok, he’s then going on compete. By the time we caught up 90 for Komol putting him 132-18 up after have a chat with me over a game the to Dubai (to play in the Youth SCRABBLE with the competition, at the start of each player had two turns. The rest of the following day. Championships no less) before a mini the third day, the serious contenders match was something of a formality; despite Buoyed by my date with Lewis, I continued European tour and a Christmas spent with had already begun to make themselves FEnURON and COVERAGE, both for to rove field-recorder in hand. Still feeling family in Norway. known. Foremost amongst them was 80, from Okosagah, OVERRATE and my way into the Scrabble scene, driven in Sitting down to face my SCRABBLE one Nigel Richards. EROTISE ensured Komol ran out winner equal measures by my own ignorance and destiny, I let Lewis do the scoring, largely By the time the final day broke, over 100 before he closed out the semi-final in the potential interviewees’ relative reticence, for fear of him showing me up if try to comers had been cut down to a final four. fourth game. I found myself asking similar questions to do it myself. Either way, the speed of his Sammy Okosagah, the Cinderella story of the So it came down to Nigel against Komol, each willing participant. Question: “If you calculation is dizzying. While I count up tournament, stood top of the rankings after the final that everyone had seen coming and had one tip to a layman Scrabbler, what each tile, lifting up them to check what 31 games, a spectacular feat for a player who that the competition deserved. A best of five would it be?” Almost without exception, bonus was below, he skips up each number only made the competition through the last face-off is what stood between the defending the response was to learn all the two letter – “six, seven, eleven, fourteen, twenty eight” chance qualifier. A former big-hitter on the World Champion and the young Thai words. Yet somehow this didn’t seem he counted aloud, opening the scoring with Nigerian SCRABBLE scene, now a resident challenger. Dave Wiegand had knocked and enough. I wanted more in depth secrets, ‘COVED’ – like a dancer ascending stairs in of Baltimore and returning after a long been unsympathetically denied, Sammy had some juice, to give a window into the mind a hurry. hiatus, he’d marked his return in style. Level come out of nowhere and got a little closer, of a proper player and see better how their Occasionally, I dare to proffer up a total with him on 22 wins, were Nigel Richards but only two had made it into the final. The approach differed from that of you or I. I and on more than one occasion he corrects and Dave Wiegand, a taciturn American stage was set, the crowd awaited, the tiles sat added it to my notes and pressed on. my maths, with a matter-of-fact insouciance who has won over $100,000 in prize money ready to write on the board of history. It was Later that evening, as I listened back over that could only be got away with by someone over the course of his playing career. With Komol to play Nigel in the SCRABBLE my recordings through the haze of the Czech of such tender years. Despite some initial a far superior spread, Sammy took the top Champions’ Tournament final. bar we’d holed up in (smoking in bars and misgivings over whether COVED was a spot, followed by Nigel and then Dave, with OILSEED, GREX, RATOONER; all the clubs is still legal in the Czech Republic), I real word or not I parallel played on with Komol taking fourth as the only player on words went Nigel’s way. 581-421, Nigel took had what alcoholics refer to as a moment of MASH, putting to good use my newly 21 wins. It was Sammy against Komol and the final game and with it claimed his third clarity. Here I was practically listening on freshened knowledge of ME and AD. Nigel against Dave for a place in the final. world title. repeat to different SCRABBLE grandees I begin with a topic that I imagine to be a With Wiegand’s mild manner and And then, strangely, that was that. Nigel say that learning the two letter words is key; gold mine of conversation for an eight-year Richard’s reputation for unremittingly was victorious and the world SCRABBLE I had the biggest game of SCRABBLE in old: that of Christmas presents. He seems a outstanding play, the first semi-final had champion of champions had been decided my life lined up for the following day and little disinterested, almost a little too mature shades of a lamb going to the slaughter. Of for another year, in a predictable yet yet my knowledge of two-letter words was to be talking toys, so I get down to brass the many I spoke to, no one could look past nevertheless climactic denouement. lacking. tacks. He explains how he started playing Nigel for a victor and duly, in traditional Luckily for me, the SCRABBLE I’m not sure if it was basement-priced pivo on the iPad – the first in a generation of Nigel style, he delivered – by a whitewash Champions Tournament is coming to or the circumstances that caught up with SCRABBLE champions first introduced to no less. London’s ExCel Centre later this year. me, but I descended into a state of minor the game on a tablet, I wonder? He tells me FRIDAY 20 JUN FEATURES 9

Felix / Max Hunter he practises about an hour a day during the I was getting beaten by an eight year old. I’ve done well to have him squeeze me in SCRABBLE player’s consciousness. Lewis week but often the whole day at weekends Albeit modern SCRABBLE’s answer to an before his day’s play begins proper. He is gives a little mute shake of his head, before and during the holidays - ‘unless my mum eight-year-old Mozart but I was getting beat more than just figuratively having me for challenging my LAVE. kicks me off the iPad’ he adds. nonetheless and, a handful of turns in, it breakfast. Any word can be challenged in a game of He drops down RUE to the end of my was looking to be a hiding. He came very close to making the SCT SCRABBLE, the clocks are stopped and JOKE played a turn or two before and himself: of the three under-18 entrants in the dictionary, automated into a computer presses down each tile in order with his Something needed to be done. the last chance qualifier, one was guaranteed search bar, is consulted. To my amazement, little fingers. Four turns in, he’s already on entry. Over the course of his eight games he it checks out and gifts me a further five triple figures and has a lead of 39. Scanning SUZE. SUZE was my only option. was drawn against neither of the other two points. I would’ve felt worse about so blindly over my tiles through a subconscious face but they played each other, one beating the guessing against a soon-to-be nine year old, palm, I mutter something about being in With a ‘Z’ on my rack, I needed to make other by a monstrous margin and skewing but his margin stood not far off triple digits touching distance. “Quite close,” says Lewis, it count and SUZE was the only way I could the rankings in the favour of the victor. Lewis and it had dried up any pool of sympathy seemingly getting the emollient comments play it and land on a triple word score. The was effectively frozen out of contention. that might have been welling inside of me. in early before the gap becomes unassailable. only issue was that I had just pulled SUZE Any sense of disappointment can’t have “It’s getting quite tense.” I say, mopping “What do your mates make SCRABBLE? out of thin air. lasted too long. I later discovered that at the literal sweat off my brow. “Not really” comes Are you converting them?” I ask as I play My mind became a flurry of thoughts – World Youth SCRABBLE Championship the response. Clearly when you’re used to GLORY, with no small hint of irony, for crepe suzette, suzerainty, Peep Show’s Big in Dubai (his next stop after Prague) he won spanking septuagenarians with TAENIAE, a piddly nine points. “All of them are very Suze – as I scrabbled the recesses of my the prize for best player in both his own age losing five points to me on a challenge barely good at sport”, he tells me in his gentle mind for a shred of authenticity. I was losing category and the one above. registers. I, however, was jubilant. Antipodean drawl. “all my friends play at to an eight year old and my only option was LAVE stares back at me from my rack and I ask Lewis if he thinks he could one day be least three sports. I only play….’ He pauses to try made-up words. feeling a little cocky from my World Champion. He hums a brief moment a moment. “If you count SCRABBLE as a Sitting back in my chair and close shave with SUZE, of deliberation, before admitting ‘probably sport, I only play two.” The other, he tells pulling the best look of I throw caution to the not’. I wouldn’t be so pessimistic about his me, is soccer, rarely taking his eyes off the nonchalance I could wind once again. I chances. Starting so young, his mind will be tiles as he plays BONNETS. muster, I slapped down ask him if he has a sponge to all that rote learning of words If the systematic dismantling I was suffering SUZE for a whopping any favourite that forms the mainstay of competitive at the hands of Lewis wasn’t bad enough, 43. For a moment words, to see SCRABBLE. Assuming he navigates his the rate at which he did it was alarming. Lewis was silent. He if he can top formative years with the same level head he’s Every so often I remember that Lewis is in looked at the board, the tale of shown me over the past half hour, come an primary school. I struggle to remember what then down at his ZYGANTRA adult, he’d be at a huge advantage. my primary school years were like. It puts rack and then back one of the Picking up the blank, he plays BANTING into perspective how mature Lewis is for his to the board. He English for 65 and cheekily reminds me I can age, with a level of focus that many adults could challenge and players had challenge if I want. The word doesn’t spark would aspire to. I’d be rumbled, my told me the even a glimmer of recognition but keen “Have you ever played SCRABBLE SUZE ruse would day before. to avoid falling for his ploy, I play on. A before?” I couldn’t tell if this was innocent be up. Seemingly “This word,” he few more outrageously hopeful words by conversation from the pint-sized kiwi or unflapped by my says, scribbling me (PAISE apparently is allowed) Lewis exquisite chutzpah, but either way, I cracked. speculative SUZE, he it down on the rounds off the game, winning 372-273. As I Despite being away from the cloying smoke counters with DETAIN. I sheet we’re using for pant a relieved sigh at managing to keep the of the bar cellar and (as far as I could tell) live to fight another rack. scoring, “This is my difference within double digits (the marker with the last of the pivo out my system, the It’s been a busy schedule for favourite word I played in of respectability, I tell myself) Lewis is wave of nauseous panic returned. My pupils Lewis so far, he’s been here a week and the tournament”. I look at it and already picking at the tiles, working out what dilated, my pulse quickened. Beyond the played both days of the last chance qualifier baulk. TAENIAE. All of a sudden SUZE other plays could have been made. board, the world blurred into nothingness for the SCT and every day of the open don’t seem all that bad. “Do you know what I scan over the scoresheet and finally ask and my focus closed down to the rack. tournament that has been run concurrently it means?” I ask, now weary of disconnect him for his autograph. Some how, I doubt It was just me and these seven tiles, and for those who failed to make the main event. between spelling and definition in the it’ll be his last. 10 FEATURES FRIDAY 20 JUN Sabb-2-Sabb – The times they are a changin’ Passing on the torch to Deputy President Deputy President the next generation (Clubs & Socs) (Welfare)

Most of this year’s Sabbs and the Union Yas Yas“Community Edward sService” mascot, Mike the Edwards Marissa “Well-fair” Lewis Micrometer What have you been doing for the Best thing you’ve done this year? at least 39.9% of you know, year, and things still happen last year? As Probably having dinner with Professor last term saw the election of a new during summer, but this is the My year has been so varied and busy! Lord Robert Winston - it was definitely team of Union sabbatical officers last time we’ll be seeing the Sabbs I’ve learned a lot, supported many clubs, the highlight of a lot of hard lobbying and full-time roles; people who during term, before the new team new ideas and events, and represented work over the Immigration Bill. It was students nationally. I’m most proud pretty incredible to hang out in the have taken a year to focus on take over next year. of the Union Sports Strategy and House of Lords and watch the debate. things that directly affect “you the Activities Development Fund which student”. At the top of this spread you’ll will create more opportunities for student activities in the future. How much do you like Cyan and hear from this year’s officers, and Magenta? The official terms of all full-time at the bottom you’ll see next year’s Top Four Favourite Colours? roles change on August 1 each eager young’uns. Genuinely the names of my future 1 – Algae Green, 2 – Pine Green, 3 – children. Shamrock Green, 4 – Avocado Green.

Green things make me happy! The Union President Green Huntsman Spider evokes mixed emotions but looks amazing

David “Beats by Dre” Tom “Take Your Top Off” Goldsmith Wheeler Abigail “CSP Weds.” De Bruin Chris “O” Kaye

Best thing you’ve done this year? Best thing you’ve done this year? Best thing you’ve done this year? How do you think the Union can improve? This would be the Student Consultation Tom was busy and unable to come back Abigail was busy with exams and Framework that I developed. This is a to us. However he has had a successful unavailable for comment. As Tour document, produced through extensive year as the chair of the Recreational Manager of IC Sinfonietta and a keen The Union can improve by trusting consultation with College staff and Clubs Committee and of course won martial artist she was elected as next the intelligence of its members to make students, which sets a standard for the Presidential election. - Ed. year’s DPCS. Good luck Abigail! - Ed. decisions about their own lives. how students should be consulted on changes that affect them. What was Tom up to instead? What was Abigail up to instead? Will you lobby the College to What’s your favourite thing about develop halls in Hyde Park? Aside from exams we think Abigail Metric? Tom was probably chopping wood in a was either conducting chemistry How absurd! However I did rally time forest somewhere, saving children from experiments galore, demonstrating The thing like most about Metric is that and time again for the occupation of fatal accidents or moving frantically her martial arts experience on club I can be totally and utterly safe there Kensington Palace and its gardens. up and down while trying to avoid “naughty officers” who failed to pass the thanks to the Safe Space Policy. Also Unfortunately the College consistently protruding pipes. We wish him well - “Key Information” quiz or practising that fact no-one else is there helps too. sided with the royals and defeated every Ed. for a summer concert - Ed. one of our Constituent Union armies. FRIDAY 20 JUN FEATURES 11 Sabb-2-Sabb – The times they are a changin’

Deputy President Deputy President IC School of Felix Editor Medicine SU (Education) (Finance & Services) President

Nat “NSS” Kempston Kieron “Smiley” Creagh Joe “Teh Grump” Letts Steve “Phoenix” Tran

Best thing you’ve done this year? What you wish you’d known when What you wish you’d known when What have you been doing for the you started? you started? last year? Definitely going to the top education committee- the College Senate- and The Union is very well respected by and I wish I had known just many emails I’ve spent my year pulling my hair out winning a debate on why we shouldn’t has a strong relationship with College. I would receive from random PR at how many events the Medical School switch to GPA (Grade Point Average). This is very useful when making change companies. And also how hard it can puts on and trying to ensure that no Having most of the senior members of and getting things done and I wish I’d be to manage a large team. It’s been a one dies. It’s all in the role of a medical College on the opposing side meant this utilised this more sooner. fun year and real learning experience. sabbatical. victory for students was even sweeter. How often do you eat at How often do you eat at What are your top four favourite FiveSixEight? FiveSixEight? How often do you eat at colours and why? FiveSixEight? I eat in 568 more than I should but I’ve reduced the frequency of my visits Well dur- obviously cyan, magenta, I think, or at least hope, it’s less than this term, but at times I’ve been every I only eat at FiveSixEight when Kieron black and white. Because these are the once a week! We’ve added a lot of new day of the week. I’ve probably spent is paying. He’s very generous with only 4 colours that exist. Aren’t they?? things this year and I try to make sure I over £1000 there over the course of the his hard earned wages. They should try everything new at least once. year (not including drinks). Talk about probably name a burger after him... Or Top points for loving Union branding colours! – I giving back to the Union! Great place! at least after RSM hockey. would admit to it to if I could. Ed.

Pascal “Foot” Loose Alex “D & D” Savell Philippa “The Disgraced” Skett Dariush “Boss man” Hassanzadeh-Baboli

Best thing you’ve done this year? What are you looking forward to What are your plans for next What have you been doing over the most? year? the last year? Working with EESoc and setting up I plan to make Felix the student paper coding classes where students can teach After this year, I think the thing I’m of the year, and ensure it wins a shit Delivering babies, offering children how to code. looking forward to most is seeing even tonne of awards for student media. I’m contraception advice and attempting to more bits of the Union I’ve never also looking at long term plans to install entertain 4 year olds in an allergy clinic. Why did you run for the role? encountered and the interesting things a cocktail bar into the Felix Office, they get up to and events they run. for the inevitable Wednesday night Oh, and making sure that Imperial’s I want to improve the feedback system, breakdowns. most decorated rugby club made some implement e-learning across the college money. #whowinsatvarsity and enhance the PG experience. What is your favourite “Cards Against Humanity Card”? What’s your favourite thing about What’s your favourite thing about What is your favourite “Cards Metric? Metric? Against Humanity Card”? I’m ashamed to say that I only The senseless apathy that you have to encountered this this year. My nerd induce within yourself to have a good The Exit! Money can’t buy me love, but it can credentials are slipping. I did enjoy it... time there. For me, that takes about six buy me peanut butter jelly time though some pretty terrible things crop pints and two tequila shots. Nothing up. I don’t think I have a favourite card more, nothing less. Also requesting What is your favourite floor of the but Step 1. _____, Step 2. _____, Step 3. the Fly Like a G6 parody “Fly like its Union and why? Profit is an old classic. Quiddich” every time I go and being Level 1, no stairs told to do one. 12 WELLBEING FRIDAY 20 JUN EMPLOYMENT RIGHTS WHAT ARE YOU ENTITLED TO?

Lots of students take up part-time work or summer jobs between academic years or as a stop-gap after graduation when you’re looking for something permanent. This is a quick guide to explain what you’re entitled to as an employee to make sure you don’t get taken advantage of.

The rights you have as a worker depend on your statutory rights (rights you have by law) and your contract of employment. Contracts are not binding when they violate your statutory rights, so even if you sign a contract which does so by accident, these parts are void. However, employment contracts can offer you greater benefits than you are entitled to by law (e.g. greater holiday entitlement), they just can’t offer less.

Who can work? Minimum If you are from the UK or the European Economic Area (EEA), you are free to work Wage in the UK. International students staying in the UK over the summer and seeking employment will need to check The minimum wage for 18-20 year olds is £5.03/hour. their visa status to see whether or not this is prohibited and if For 21 year olds and over, it is £6.31. there are any restrictions placed upon your employment. If in doubt, you can contact Imperial’s International Contracts are not binding if they stipulate a rate of pay below the Office for more advice. national minimum wage – this is a rate you are entitled to and supersedes contracts you may have signed with your employer.

The national minimum wage is the same for all workers, regardless of if they work full-time or part-time, the method Zero-hours of payment, and characteristics of the employer, such as the Holiday size of the organisation you work for or whereabouts in the UK contract you work. pay

If you feel you aren’t being paid minimum wage, you can call the If you were working full- A zero-hours contract is essentially a contract where Pay and Work Rights Helpline on 0800 917 2368. This is a free time, you would have the an employer has no obligation to offer you shifts and confidential helpline run by the government. right to 5.6 weeks of paid and you have no obligation to accept shifts. This holiday a year in most professions. creates a different working relationship For part-time workers, you are entitled to than other forms of contract however, if the same annual leave as full-time workers you’re on a zero-hours contract you but this is calculated based on the number are still entitled to annual How of days you actually work. For example, if you leave and the national work 2 days a week, the leave is calculated as minimum wage. long can I work? 2x5.6 (leave entitlement), which equals 11.2 days of paid annual leave. Most workers have a right to not work over 48 hours a week and workers over 18 are Issues entitled to at least one day off a week. If you are working for longer than 6 hours, you have with to be given at least a 20 minute rest break and Health you are also entitled to 11 hours off each day employers from your job. and safety There are a whole load of health and If you are concerned that your contract safety rules an employer must follow doesn’t stand up to scrutiny, the first option is often to in order to ensure their employees talk to your line manager at work about your concerns or Cash- are working in a safe environment. These the company’s HR department (should they have one). If range from first aid facilities, to fire safety you would like help or support with this, you can contact in-Hand to noise issues. As an employee, it is your the Union’s Advice Centre who can give advice right to work in a safe environment and to about employment rights. work be provided with equipment to ensure your If this route doesn’t get the required Regardless of whether or not your safety as appropriate e.g. ear plugs or result, you can also approach the Citizen’s work full-time, your employer has protective clothing. Advice Bureau who can offer further to deduct tax and National Insurance support and even take your case contributions from your pay by law. If your to an employment tribunal if the employer pays you cash-in-hand without these issue isn’t resolved. deductions, you might lose employment rights and some benefits such as sick pay. You also run the risk of having to pay these fees yourself.

Editors: Marissa Lewis [email protected] w Are you ready for Felix next year? (we’re not quite, but we are getting there, promise) We are getting a club committee together for next year, to make sure Felix truly kicks ass, and we need YOU! Positions up for grabs: Vice Chair: Treasurer: • The deputy boss of the committee, you get your own swivel • Responsible for the Felix wallet, and prepare the budgetting for chair and sense of power the Media group • You will oversee the running of the rest of the committee, and • Look into acquiring sponsorship, advertising for the website take charge when needed • Get the first round of pints in during Felix socials (not techni- • You will liaise with the Union regarding club matters cally part of the role, but someone has to go first)

Publicity and Outreach Officer: Tech and IT Manager: • Use mad Photoshop/ InDesign/WordArt skills to recruit new • Be responsible for the club’s technical equipment and IT infra- writers and editors next year structure • Use mad social skills to bring Felix in line with other media • Be ultra-keen on updating and upkeeping the website (anyone outlets, to form a massive student media super movement with any old-school MySpace skills could be good at this) • We can teach you these skills if needed (except basic social skills, please ensure these are provided) Secretary: • General note taking for minutes of Felix meetings or any formal decisions made by the committee • Organise Felix socials and get us out of the office once in a while No previous experience with Felix as a writer is needed! Nominations open next week, on the 25th of June at 00:00 Nominations close on the 26th of June at 12:00

Manifestos must be uploaded to the eVoting website before the end of the nomination period: http://vote.union.ic.ac.uk You must be a member to run, but membership is free! Email [email protected] for more details 14 SCIENCE FRIDAY 20 JUN EXCLUSIVE: VIOLENCE MAY LEAD TO MORE VIOLENCE Does watching violence on TV make men more violent?

Philippa Skett group of men, specifically chosen control their cognitive function. white matter connecting the frontal connections are important for Science Editor due to the fact that they don’t play Not only that, but there appeared and parietal lobes, which can be executive functioning of the video games but still watch TV. to be an actual structural difference a sign of less maturity in brain brain, which includes formulating New research has shown that The young men kept a diary of in the brains of those that enjoyed development.” plans, make decisions, reason and men watching more violence on what they watched on the TV for the violent content of television White matter of the brain problem solve. television could result in stunted a week, and completed further shows. insulates and protects nerve fibres, “The take-home message in brain development, and the psychological tests to measure Lead author Tom A. Hummer, they allow different parts of the from this study is the finding inability to control impulsive memory, attention and inhibitory Ph.D., assistant research professor brain to connect and interact with of a relationship between how behaviours, including aggression. control. in the IU Department of Psychiatry, each other. Usually, this white much violent television we A study, ran by a top brain journal, It was found that the more violent said of the study: “When we matter volume increases as the watch and important aspects of used brain imaging techniques to TV viewing the men indulged in, looked at the brain scans of young brain makes more connections brain functioning like controlled measure the mental abilities and the more likely they were to be men with higher violent television throughout development, up attention and inhibition,” Dr. volumes of key brain regions for a less attentive, and were less able to exposure, there was less volume of until the age of around 30. These Hummer said. Does sitting down on sofas give you cancer?

Fiona Hartley office or when watching TV. from previous studies to draw new Science Editor In the studies, the least amount conclusions. Pooled data was taken of time spent sitting was two from 43 studies with more than four to three hours. Every two-hour million participants, and covered People who spend more time increase in sitting time from this more than 70,000 cancer cases. sitting are more at risk of getting was linked to an eight percent “Cutting down on TV viewing cancer than people who don’t, a increased risk of bowel cancer and sedentary time is just as new study reveals. and a ten percent increased risk important as becoming more We already knew that sitting of endometrial cancer. active,” said Daniela Schmid, one is linked to diabetes and heart At least sitting doesn’t increase of the authors of the study. “For disease, but our sedentary the risks for other cancers. those whose jobs require them to lifestyles are now even more But even if you work out sit at a desk most of the day, we dangerous than we thought. regularly, you can’t get rid of recommend breaking up the time Scientists looked at thousands the increased risk of bowel, spent sitting by incorporating of cancer studies and found that endometrial and lung cancer. short bouts of light activity into the risk for three specific cancers, Only spending less time on your the daily routine,” she added. bowel, endometrial (womb lining) bottom will help prevent them. So next time you switch on your and lung, is much greater when THIS research was carried out as screens to watch the World Cup, you sit down, like you do in the a ‘meta analysis’, as it took data don’t take a seat – take a stand. FRIDAY 20 JUN SCIENCE 15 Drugs Without the Hot Air

The 20 Drugs considered in the ISCD’s 2010 report, ranked by overall harm.

Drugs Without the Hot Air / David Nutt I KNEW NOTHING ABOUT DRUGS UNTIL I READ THIS BOOK acute harm once every 10,000 pills (Chapter 2). Compare this to the punishment of prison which costs Jack Peacock Tobacco has 7,000,000 users in the UK and cocaine has £38,000 a year to keep someone in, and which usually turns @ JackPeacock 700,000. Cocaine is responsible for 250 deaths a year and inmates onto harder drugs (also page 286). Tobacco is responsible for 100,000 (page 196). uess which substance killed Amy This is how the ISCD ranked drugs, based on harm to the On the international war on drugs: Winehouse? Have a stab in the dark. user and to society, based on 16 different factors (page 43): Al Qaeda is principally funded by opium and cannabis I was amazed to find out that despite huge production (page 277). problems with illicit substance abuse, and having On Tobacco: There were 15,000 deaths due to the crackdown in Mexican been hospitalised previously for an overdose of The World Health Organisation has estimated that cartels in 2010 alone (page 190). Gheroin, ecstasy, cocaine and ketamine, there was nothing tobacco will account for 10% of all deaths worldwide by 2015 Every gram of cocaine snorted in England will have been illegal about the substance that eventually killed her: alcohol. (page 194). responsible for an area of four square metres of rainforest Of course, the Daily Mail jumped to conclusions when Tobacco-related health problems cost £13.7 billion per being destroyed (page 189). initially reporting on the story. year. Cigarette taxes generate £10 billion per year (page 194). The illicit drugs trade is about 1% of the global economy, I’ve just finished reading David Nutt’s Drugs Without The It’s only because popular culture is saturated with positive untaxed and unregulated (page 276). Hot Air, and it blew me away how little I knew about drugs images of people smoking and because friends encourage (including alcohol and tobacco). I was amazed to the point it that anyone smokes a second cigarette. Their first is On the difficulty of conducting research with illegal where I felt I needed to encourage more people to read it. It usually unenjoyable. Compare this with LSD and ecstasy drugs in mental health therapy: turns out the drugs education you receive at school is shite where some people can go as far as to say their first pill was Mental health is the biggest health burden in Europe and politicians/the media purvey unscientific nonsense. positively life-altering (page 201). today, costing more than heart disease and cancer combined David Nutt is the Edward J Safra chair of (page 227). Neuropsychopharmacology at the fine institution of On Legal Highs: A recent study of subject with chronic, treatment-resistant Imperial College London but you may know him as the Of the dozens of deaths that were reported as due to PTSD resulted in an 83% success rate – ten out of twelve government advisor who was sacked for making comments mephedrone (MMCAT) in 2009, only two have been subjects essentially no longer had the disorder after two comparing the dangers of illegal substance to the dangers confirmed as being directly and solely caused by the drug. sessions of ecstasy-assisted psychotherapy (page 25). of legal activities such as horse riding and drinking alcohol. However, it may have had a net effect of saving lives overall The internet doesn’t need another review from some 21 as people switched from cocaine to mephedrone. There were On how LSD can deliver moments of inspiration: year old kid when The Economist and The Huffington Post 95 cocaine deaths in the first half of 2008 which reduced to Kary Mullis, who won the Nobel prize for inventing the have already got that down. I just thought I would relay 66 in the first half of 2009 (page 117). polymerase chain reaction, went as far as to say “would I some of the findings in it that surprised and fascinated me. have invented PCR if I hadn’t taken LSD? I seriously doubt If you find them unbelievable, I advise you to think where On Politicians: it [having taken LSD] I could sit on a DNA molecule and your current knowledge of drugs and drug users comes from; Barack Obama was a regular cannabis smoker in his watch the polymers go by. I learnt that partly on psychedelic for me it was Breaking Bad and The Sopranos. These statistics younger years and has even admitted to trying cocaine drugs.” (page 258). and facts are of course out of context (go read the book) before he came to office (page 135). but I’ve tried to be fair when taking them out. Finally, the In 2002, an ambitious UK backbencher called David I could carry on to the point where I’ve typed out the sources of these facts are all cited in the book but I haven’t Cameron said in a debate in the House of Commons that whole book, but just go read it. Even if you’ve never taken checked them out. [Most of them, I have – ed.] “drugs policy has been failing for decades”. Yet now he’s an illegal drug, it will probably make you think again about Prime Minister he gives the same ‘tough on drugs’ spiel of alcohol and make you enraged at how much politicians have On the comparison of legal and illegal activities: every other politician (page 281). to pander to Daily Mail-reading middle classes who have On average, a horse rider can expect a serious accident When Cameron was caught with cannabis at Eton he was never taken a drug or met an addict who think prohibition every 350 hours riding. An ecstasy user can expect a case of made to write out hundreds of lines of Latin (page 286). is possible. 16 COMMENT FRIDAY 20 JUN “Does discrimination dominate in India?” – A Response “The people Kunal Wagle Comment Editor of this

Having read Christy Kelly’s article last country have week asking “Does discrimination dominate Felix / Joe Letts in India?”, I couldn’t emphatically help but think of the simple answer: yes. In spoken” SO LONG AND THANKS a civilised country like India the treatment of women and “untouchables” is FOR ALL THE PHYSICS not only completely unacceptable, but also completely unforgivable. problem is through Rory Fenton reminisces about his six years at IC However I think it is also economic development, wrong to say that the through the creation of jobs, story is as simple as saying and through extra education, ratio” is not that straight Imperial men don’t get laid that the BJP Party, which which is what new Prime Rory Fenton as much but that too few women are taking up science was sworn into power a Minister Narendra Modi has Columnist degrees, much to the loss of both women and science. fortnight ago, is to blame. prioritised for the Indian A campus conversation that focused less on sexual It was in December 2012 people. Modi won such a six years is a long time to spend in this place. frustration and more on the “ratio” as an intellectual that India’s attitude towards landslide victory because If my Imperial career were a child, it would be loss to science would be a big help. women was thrown into the it is felt that he can bring preparing for its first year of primary school by It is both a blessing and a curse that we care so little spotlight, when a 23-year-old the change that the country now: shiny new rucksack perched on its back, about politics at Imperial. A blessing because political was gang-raped on a public bus is desperately craving. It is lunch money nestled in its pocket. Like a parent debate tends to focus on evidence and statistics, with in Delhi – she subsequently felt that he can take it away leaving his child at the school gates, it’s time I little heed paid to ideology and few tribal loyalties passed away a few days later from the corruption that was let Imperial go. Will it miss me? Probably not. to political parties. There are student unions held at from her injuries. rampant within the previous It’ll be too busy fighting the other boys and girls pointless gridlock over debates on the Israel-Palestine Shortly after her death, government. It is felt that he for its place in the league tables. Still, watching conflict or what the top level of income tax should Abhijit Mukherjee, the son can make this country better. it scamper across the playground has got me be - ours couldn’t be further from that. But when this of the President Pranab Hopefully he can be better reminiscing. apathy extends to issues that directly affect students, Mukherjee and a member of than Obama has been when According to its website I’ve written over 40 articles we all lose out. We see this at the Union. the (now opposition party) using the “Yes We Can” for Felix and it’s a strange thing reading over them. I The Union is very good at being ok. They provide Congress, said that the women slogan. start as a convinced Catholic, then an atheist. I start as excellent facilities, equipment and support to their who were involved in the The National Democratic a Libertarian, then wise up. I start unsure about what many societies, on which so much of Imperial’s protests following the death Alliance (NDA), of which I’m doing with my life, then... best not to ask. I start social life relies. Representing students to College, the were “disconnected with the BJP is part, now controls a frightened fresher, then an Imperial Graduate, then story is very different. In this David vs Goliath story, reality”. This, accompanied 336 of the 545 seats available an Imperial Postgraduate. I don’t expect I’m alone David is mostly ignored, then finally grabbed by the by his other remarks (which in Parliament. The people of in changing so much here. As I changed, so did my ankle, swung overhead and thrown to the other end included saying that these the country have emphatically perspective on Imperial. of the Earth. North Acton, to be precise. Whether women “went to discotheques” spoken (the previous “It’s a strange place” is how I reply when asked it’s unaffordable and distant accommodation, an and are “highly dented and government lost more than what Imperial is like, I’ve never really managed a underfunded counseling service or careers advice given painted”), was later attacked 200 seats) and it is now more precise answer. Cramming tens of thousands of almost entirely by investment banks, the Imperial as being sexist. Another to time for Modi to deliver on scientists into a small square in the most expensive business machine churns on and we students bask in be seriously criticised was his promises and to deliver part of the country was always going to make for complicit apathy. spiritual guru Asaram Bapu, change. strange results. The lack of arts students does leave Imperial has so much potential. I know I’m not who suggested that the victim Can he do it? Let’s wait and a hole in the College but a hole that students then the only one who thinks that a CV boost need not was “to blame for her own see. partly fill up themselves, with Felix, Leo Soc, STOIC be the only reason for engaging in student politics. assault”. and others giving science students access to creative Nor am I the only one who thinks that there are uses It is a problem. It is a stuff that at other universities might be dominated by for a science degree other than research or investment major problem. It is a major arts students. There is a great buzz around science banking. That there is more to a university education problem that needs a solution. that you don’t really get elsewhere; who didn’t have than what can be learnt in a lecture or a seminar. To borrow the phrase from a spring in their step the day the Higgs Boson was Imperial could do with a little more soul. Christy: “discrimination discovered? As I leave my adorable six year-old to its own devices, dominates in India”. But what There are fewer women at Imperial than at I suppose I’m more critical than most parents but, in can be done to stop it? Well, other universities. This is pointed out so often the age-old excuse, I only say these things because I one way to begin to solve the that I wonder if people expect a medal or at least a love it. Too many people say they’ve had fun “in spite DNA India congratulatory pat on the back for noticing. Contrary of” Imperial. What could we do to make “in spite” to popular opinion, the worst aspect of the “gender into “because”? FRIDAY 20 JUN COMMENT 17 CONFESSIONS OF A GTA The best and the worst of gta-ing Almost every memorable moment as a GTA is both wonderful and terrible. Some are so bad that they’re good in retrospect (though some are just bad), and sometimes being a GTA makes you so happy that you can’t help but love your job. It’s been a rollercoaster first year as a GTA, and I’ve definitely learnt some valuable lessons (such as not to get too drunk the night before a field trip abroad), but I don’t think I did a bad job. Here are my highlights and lowlights of the year, as well as the best and worst experiences I had with GTAs when I was an undergrad.

AS A STUDENT THE BEST The GTA 1. The magic GTA who made Fluids make far more sense than the Anonymous lecturer ever did

2. When the GTA I spent all term falling in love with asked me a question and told me I was doing a good job. I still love you, demonstrator with AS A GTA the dinosaur watch <3

1. Having my tutorial students ask whether I’ll be their tutor next year. 3. When my group project was saved by a GTA, when they really didn’t Honestly guys, you made my year. I’ll do my best! have to.

2. Being told by a student that before the class, he wanted to kill himself over the topic, but by the end, he definitely thought that he could figure it out for the exam. At least their level of understanding increased, even AS A GTA if mine was still hopelessly poor! 1. Being approached and asked out by a student after class. Sure, we may 3. Getting hit on by a student, during one of his final exams. Seriously be friends for the purpose of a class or a field trip, but you’re 18, there is man, don’t you have better things to be doing than making eyes at me zero chance that I will consider making you a regular part of my social life. for hours? Don’t embarrass me in front of my real friends!

4. Spending ages helping a struggling student with something really 2. After invigilating an exam, when the entire class of students claimed fundamental, then seeing them go off and do it independently. Bonus to have left the room for ten minutes, without my noticing. Luckily, the points for the student whose work I recognised when I was marking their senior tutor didn’t find this believable… THE WORST exam, being better than I could ever do it myself. 3. GTAing for a practical chemistry lab when I was so 5. Being paid to do nothing but watch on so many hungover that I couldn’t hold the bottle of HF steady. field trips, but make sure the students didn’t kill All of the students had done the lab before and clearly themselves. Okay, that one time that one student knew it better than me – no-one wanted to be there. did nearly die, but he didn’t, and it was just once… 4. Realising when drunk and in Soho at 1am that I had 6. Being awkwardly stuck between being a student to GTA at 9am, for a problems class that I’ve never and a lecturer. You get to drink with both and hear studied or even looked at the subject material. What what they each have to say about the other, which followed was the worst three hours of my life, as I always give you the best stories to tell. hastily googled every single question I was asked. No-one bought it.

THE BEST 7. Watching final year students sitting their exams, knowing that you got through this already, and 5. While idly checking my phone when my students you have absolutely nothing to prove anymore. were working something out, I received some bad teabagordie.com news, but had to keep teaching and hold it together 8. Seeing a struggling student have an epiphany in for another two hours. It’s a fine line in GTAing an exam and start scribbling furiously. Oh, I know that feel. between informal teaching, and still being professional.

9. Looking really popular when walking through my department. No-one 6. Having to give a tutorial or teach a class that you signed up for months needs to know that all these people saying hello to me are my students, ago… without realising that it would clash with a huge deadline from your not my friends. supervisor. When we’re snowed under with work, the last thing we want to do is teach you how to solve differential equations. 10. Automatically gaining a whole load of friends (usually MSc students) to hang out with after a weekend of bonding on a field trip. 7. Realising halfway through a problems class that you’ve misunderstood the topic, and have been explaining something incorrectly for the last hour. It is with a deep sense of shame and regret that you backtrack through everyone you’ve spoken to with the correct answer.

8. Running into your students in the bathroom, or worst, out and about. The AS A STUDENT young ones, especially, don’t embrace the social etiquette of awkwardly walking 20 feet apart to avoid any awkward extended conversations.

1. The GTA I had in my first year who would consistently ignore me, 9. Being told that a question is simply impossible by a student in an exam, and talk only to my male lab partner, even when he was answering my when you can clearly see that they have all the information that they questions. Last year, he hit on me. Not cool. need. Either you want to tell them that they’re stupid, or they look so helpless that you want to give them a clue; but remaining ambiguous is 2. “What do you think?” guy. I relate to him now, but he really took it too so frustrating! far. Sometimes you’ve got to throw a confused student a bone. 10. The many hours long, mindlessly boring, irrelevant training that we’re 3. An invigilator standing behind my shoulder for an entire exam, forced to sit through at the beginning of the year. The majority of us aren’t THE WORST breathing his smelly breath down my neck. To say this was distracting even responsible for imparting any original knowledge, why teach us to would be an understatement. do it? It’s enough to put a naive PhD student off teaching for life! 18 COMMENT FRIDAY 20 JUN is feminism a toxic Y Androcentrism - The or ingrained prejudice against women SEX-NEGATIVITY - Opposition to one SSARpractice, conscious or otherwise, or more aspects of human sexual behav- of placing male human beings or the Patriarchy - A social system in iour on social or religious ground GLO masculine point of view at the centre which males are the primary authority of one’s view of the world and its culture figures central to social organization, Rape Culture - The aspects of our word? and history. occupy roles of political leadership, moral culture that encourage us to see rape as authority and control of property, and the norm, such as violent, misogynistic Intersectionality - The lived where fathers hold authority over women porn, common acceptance of women as An anonymous writer gives experience of people who are part of and children “hos” and “bitches” in rap music, etc. more than one marginalised group. Lived their opinion experience might include several forms of PIV - Penis in vagina intercourse Strawfeminist - A fictional institutional and cultural discrimination. “feminist” character who is used to make first remember coming on an almost-daily basis, I knew Privilege - The cultural and social arguments about the feminist movement across the word ‘feminism’ next to nothing about what it Misogyny - Dislike of, contempt for, rewards that belong to a dominant group. as a whole. when I was about 9, and was supposed to mean. It wasn’t asking my mum what it a man cat-calling me on my way uncomfortable, what hope does “and I know you mean well, but Identifying as a ‘feminist’ - or meant. “It’s the principle”, to lectures, it was ‘objectification’. the movement have in convincing your conversation makes me feel indeed an ‘equalist’ or ‘humanist’ she replied, without even ‘Privilege’ took on a specific those who don’t even believe in scared and uncomfortable.” or any other ‘ist’ - provides an glancingI up from her newspaper, meaning quite distinct to its equality, especially those who And I don’t seem to be the only easy ground for stereotyping and “that girls and boys should be everyday usage. I was learning new aren’t open and willing to swallow one to hold this view. One of the strawman arguments. When trying treated in exactly the same way”. concepts at a rate unparalleled since a dictionary of new words? ‘Feminist’ pages I followed linked to win over others, standing on your I remember thinking it bizarre primary school - ‘androcentrism’, And, regardless of the to an article listing celebrities’ own two feet is much, much more that such an obvious concept ‘intersectionality’, ‘rape culture’, argumentative style, the word “misguided” reasons to decry powerful than bandying around a even needed a name, but I didn’t ‘sex-negativity’ (which doesn’t ‘feminism’ itself is now so feminism. Bjork, Beyoncé, Taylor word which is just another thing to question it any further. always, apparently, imply that all polarising as to make the associated Swift, Madonna, Geri Halliwell; argue against. sexuality is bad, merely that ‘the discussion completely useless. the list goes on - all role models We live in a world where just s a shy and patriarchy’s’ construction of it and “I’m a feminist” will win you to millions of young women, who, 23% of American women identify body-conscious its focus on ‘PIV’ is ‘misogynistic’). instant feminist cookies from the for one reason or another, have felt as feminist; where several major teenager walking I eventually plucked up the 20% of Americans who identify as the need to distance themselves female role models have come out to school by courage to dip my toes in the water such, but is completely and utterly from the F-word. “I can’t believe against feminism, and even where myself, I quickly and comment on a long thread (just counter-productive when trying to it, I’m so angry”, said one of the a member of Imperial’s WSET realised why. two posts under a lonely, unliked explain to our target audience - the comments. “How can all these Society committee came out a few MenA on the street - construction call for volunteers to help with a very people who are senselessly celebrities have completely years ago and said (albeit opposed workers, paramedics out of an fundraising event for a domestic sexist - why their behaviour is misunderstood what feminism is?” to the current official policy of the ambulance window! - would wolf- violence charity), questioning wrong. “Check your privilege” is, at The truth is, they haven’t. group) that they ‘have no place or whistle and hurl abuse at me, and why the content in question was best, likely to earn you a quizzical Modern-day, ‘third-wave’, tolerance for feminism’. laugh raucously when I nervously offensive and whether it was look from all except the minority feminism isn’t seen as a welcoming Perhaps, rather than smugly walked faster and turned up my really intended to be in any way who’re already intimately familiar and all-accepting movement attacking and critiquing all these Walkman CD player (remember sexist. “You’re trying to derail this with the concept of male privilege. (though undoubtedly many people, it’s time for the Feminist those?). I’d run out of hands if I conversation by education”, came Trying to explain to a group feminists are, and the original community to take a good long tried to count the number of times the terse reply, unhelpfully linking of men why their conversation tenet still holds; modern feminism look at the image it (correctly people ‘accidentally’ brushed their me to a guide called Derailment makes me feel uncomfortable is encompasses a hugely greater or not) portrays to the average own hands against me on public for Dummies. “It’s not our job to already difficult enough without number of beliefs and dogmas in person on the street. And to cut transport. My female headmistress educate you. Besides, it doesn’t having to simultaneously defend addition to the simple plight for out alienating feminist jargon, strongly discouraged me from matter whether they knew they myself against allegations of being equality). The F-word instantly to be willing to make pragmatic applying to study science (“what’s were being sexist or not.” an angry lesbian man-hater and conjures up not-entirely-untrue short-term compromises for long- wrong with English, or Spanish?”). I’m sure the reply was well- repeatedly explaining the details images of an élitist, infighting and term idealistic goals, and to ditch Even now, my grasp of Java is, intentioned. And I’m sure most of the strawfeminist fallacy. I hopelessly idealistic group. A co- the toxic, divisive, and outdated apparently, “excellent, for a girl”. people who call themselves don’t care what the construction ordinated movement was useful F-word once and for all. So, determined and spurred on ‘feminists’ would have given a workers wolf-whistling me think of years ago to provide a unified by a leaflet at the Freshers’ Fair, longer and more informative feminism (much as I’d like them front to change laws; but today, r, at least, to have I joined a few feminist groups on response. But the thought stuck to have respect for the first-wave we’re trying to change attitudes - respect for those Facebook - my first real experience - if feminists were capable of feminist suffragettes who fought a much more difficult goal - and of us who make of Feminism, with a capital F. making me, a keen, reasonably for the right to vote). “I’m no flying under the outdated and the informed I suddenly felt that, despite well-educated victim of sexist feminist”, I’ll say instead, instantly divisive banner of ‘feminism’ is decision not to having been belittled and harassed behaviours, feel alienated and capturing everyone’s attention, actively destructive to the cause. Ouse it. A response from members of the Feminist Society... Kirstin Hay, Chair of Imperial multitude of other little inequalities that Portraying feminism as a monolithic principles but it also doesn’t make sense. Feminist Society 2013-14 grind down our daily lives. I will continue force, where everyone thinks the same is It’s not the combination of letters or with Marissa Lewis, Chair 2011-13 to call myself a feminist, because to get a bit disingenuous. There’s never been sounds in the word ‘feminism’ that people anywhere near equality more needs to be a coherent feminist movement. It has have a problem with, and changing the done. never existed. From the splits between the word doesn’t change how the backlash to I’ve been calling myself a feminist for I was mocked by female friends at school suffragettes and the suffragists in the early feminism is a reaction to the redistribution about 10 years, and I started doing so for expressing “radical” feminist opinions, 20th century to the controversy of the of power gender equality would ultimately for a simple reason – I believe women such as, “why does that have to be pink?” Spice Girls’ use of Girl Power in the 1990’s. require, not because some online activism and men should be treated equally. or “are we going to learn about any female Feminists are going to disagree. There are is inaccessible. It’s only a matter of time I was not going to pretend not to be scientists?”, or “why aren’t we telling the rather of lot of people who want gender before ‘ugh those feminists’ becomes something because it might make boys not to rape?” Without fail, those who equality, we don’t all sit in a room with ‘ugh those humanists/egalitarians/gender others around me more comfortable. mocked all call themselves feminists now, an agenda and decide on strategy. By the equalists’. Just to be sure, I looked up ‘feminism’ after a brief stint in the real world. way, the gays don’t either – there is no gay I’m proud to call myself a feminist. I’m in the Oxford dictiona§§ry, “The advocacy Perhaps they still call themselves agenda, just equality. proud to campaign to make life easier for of women’s rights on the ground of the feminists because they’ve not engaged in Although there are arguments for women. We don’t need a new word, we equality of the sexes.” I wish it were a “online feminism”, a warped world where different terms being more socially need more activists from all backgrounds. concept so obvious it didn’t need a name, words no-one has heard of before appear acceptable or less divisive, ultimately in- Consider this a call to arms: wave your but we live in a world where rape is used at an alarming rate. It bores me. It annoys fighting is not action and surrendering (borrowed) mooncups proudly, bare your as a weapon of war; where infant girls are me. But it doesn’t stop me calling myself a the identity of a movement because it hairy legs, do whatever you want really, killed because their parents wanted a boy; feminist. In fact, it doesn’t stop me being is deemed unpopular not only doesn’t we’re not picky, just join the cause however where girls are denied education, and the Chair of the society. bode well for the rest of your movement’s you feel comfortable doing so. FRIDAY 20 JUN COMMENT 19 The Falsity Of

will align the world in your favour. the only resort is hope. exist, where everything goes in the everything you can to make her Pietro Aronica When you hope, it means that you If you find yourself in such a best way possible and where your want to be with you. Do not hope have given up. situation, then you can hope. If you deeds are justly rewarded, all of it that the exam will be easy: know Writer They say that hope is the last are truly in despair, incapable and with a magic-like veneer. If you that you have studied and prepared to die, and for good reason: it impotent, and you have honestly trust in your hopes, if you come to the best of your abilities. And if Don’t hope. Never hope. outlasts any other sentiment and done everything in your power, to believe in them as a future that you have not studied, do not hope Hope is a last resort, an feeling. When you no longer then you have the right to hope in hasn’t happened yet, then you will things will go your way: accept and admission of defeat. You hope have the desire to seek a way to forces beyond yourself. But to hope neglect the work and effort that are know that they won’t. Either way, when there is nothing left to do, victory, you can only hope that it when there are still alternatives necessary to make them come true. there is no need to false illusions nothing you can do: you can’t will be delivered to you by divine unexplored, when there is still If you start hoping before you have and hope. Do not trust in the act, repair, work, correct or strive intervention. When you have something you can do, when the done all that you can and must do, easy way offered by hope, but anymore, so you wish that things exhausted every possible option only thing that is lacking is your you will be led astray. instead know, research, think, act could go your way. All you’re left and possibility, you can only hope will to try, then hope becomes So do not hope. Do not hope that and work as much as you can to with is your powerlessness and that a way out will be revealed. a crime and a deceit. Hope will the girl will say yes when you ask achieve your goals. the hope that cosmic coincidences When all seems lost and forsaken, show you a world that doesn’t her out: know that you have done Don’t hope. Never hope. Talking to the Editors Wow, well it However it is good to see that Philippa It’s pretty certainly has is also a keen proponent of change and terrifying to JOE been a year! improvement, something that will bode well think that PHILIPPA I started this job in October, with a small for next year’s paper. the next issue people, and offer a great refuge to students amount of training and the dusty cobwebs Most importantly – and it is sometime will be edited by who simply want to hide away during Sport’s of my previous years of section editorship hard to convey this, Felix is always the your yours truly. Am I night if nothing else. We love writers, we skulking miserably in the corners of my paper. We value your feedback (seriously ready? Right now? love photographers, we love editors and mind. Summer, as I’m sure you all know, is please do send in letters) and we try to give Literally, right grammar enthusiasts, and we love designers, quite potent at clearing the mind of useful you the content we think you’d appreciate now, as I sit in the coders, and artists alike. memories. the most. safety of Imperial’s Next year, the newspaper will be, I set out to redesign and expand the paper, Looking back over my Felix career, I tiny humanities department, downing counterintuitively, less about the news and and to some extent succeeded, I brought in remember submitting my first article in first caffeine after about four hours of sleep more about the final form Felix hopes to take new sections and recruited new Editors and year, proudly presenting it to my hall senior, last night? Nah, I’m far from it. before my tenure comes to a close. We, of writers, undergrads and postgrads alike. who at the time was a Technology editor. But I have time, and hoping that in that course, are aiming to deliver stories that will Over the course of the year the paper has Since then, from moving on to editing time I will learn a large number of things kick up a storm; we plan to put The Tab out tackled several important stories, including Politics during the reign of two Editors to hopefully very quickly. These, you will be of business and ensure no topic is too taboo following the issues surrounding the halls finally achieving my dream of editing the glad to know, will include learning how to to print. However we are also moving with cleaning contracts, the Union’s successful whole paper, I’m amazed at how much write editorials that won’t sound like the the times and planning a website overhaul, lobbying and many more that I can’t I’ve learned along the way, as well as the beginning of an adolescent, self-absorbed a redesign of the paper and also a complete remember (this week’s has been a tiring fantastic people I’ve met. It’s not something MySpace profile “about me” entry. shift in the structure of the team itself. issue). I would have ever imagined doing when I It was over two years ago now that I was Felix is being rebuilt from scratch, and Along with the printed words you see joined Imperial, and yet I couldn’t see my hounding Tim to be a section editor for the we need people to help. If you want to be before you, this year’s Felix, as every year, College journey ending any other way. paper. I had previously written a few articles, part of the new wave of student media, get involves the sweat, occasionally tears (but Wanting to go out with a bang, this week my first being so atrocious I was surprised in touch. If you want to meet new people, hopefully no blood) of the students who we’ve brought you Felix as a tabloid, it had it was printed. I was pretty hopeless at learn new skills, get in touch. If you simply volunteered their time to edit the sections to be done. After all we are a tabloid-sized InDesign at the beginning, had no idea how want unlimited free tea and coffee, get in we have and I can only be grateful for their newspaper, definitely not a broadsheet. This to write a science article and was completely touch but do give a bit of notice so we can help. Without them and without you the has been challenging in itself, however I’ve overwhelmed by the Felix crowd of students get some top quality brew in. paper wouldn’t happen. realised that I’ve learned so much over the that all seemed more student-media savvy I hope you all have a good summer, and Over the last few years, and the last few last year – it look a day to redesign rather than myself. will see you all again in Fresher’s Week. Editors, we’ve tried to make ourselves more than the significantly longer time it took at However, I’m glad I did take the time I’ll be the 22 year old sipping straight gin transparent and friendly to people who the start of the year. to go down to the office, see what the fuss in the corner, muttering “youths” under my aren’t already involved – a task that has Thanks for reading and thanks for a great was all about and try and hack my way into breath. Please come and say hi, or drop by proven to be harder than one anticipates. year, I hope you’ve enjoyed the paper! the Felix clique. We, the Felix team, love the office!

Editors: Tessa Davey, Eoghan J. Totten, Kunal Wagle 20 ARTS & CULTURE FRIDAY 20 JUN MUSIC & ART N_Polytope: Behaviours in Light & Sound After Iannis Xenakis Íñigo Martínez de Rituerto in conversation with artist Chris Salter and engineer Marije Baalman

In an abandoned swimming pool You have an LED and you have a light sensor. behaviours and systems, on a larger scale. Not a steady state, but a sort of somewhere in the northern perimeter So the sensor can see itself, and then that And I knew from the start that the algorithms arrhythmic behaviour? of Berlin, lights burst to the rhythm awareness runs over an RL (Reinforcement were complicated so that these things would of acoustic ricochets. A bizarre Learning) algorithm and the RL runs over talk to each other. C: Sometimes, but we also do a lot to choreography of light and sound a neural network. So what he was trying to We started with the basic idea that you constrain the system. Like, which nodes imitates patterns of synchrony and figure out is that when it does an action, have a lot of different agents, and they all start are active at one point, or what region predation found in the animal kingdom. how does it change its environment? Well at different times. So, for instance, one of the spatially; or how long are they active in a The source of this erratic audiovisual of course it could change its environment by algorithms he runs is a ‘firefly’ model, so given sequence; or do they all start at the experience is a self-aware system of 200 doing the action again, so it gets feedback. the agents attempt to synchronize with each same time and then drift? For instance, they nodes, comprised of 50 loudspeakers and So the sensor is a very primitive sensory- other. Once they eventually synchronize, have this one algorithm which is a ‘chasing’ 150 LEDs. Coupled with microphones motor system. It learns to do something, they then stay synchronized for a period model. So the idea is that the agent gets a and photodiodes, respectively, each unit, right? Usually these systems settle into some of time, and then either desynchronize or reward for staying away from the other agent. or ‘agent’, extends a field of awareness that minima. The light flickers, and then it finds remain in a steady state. So that’s one of the Of course it’s crossing into the agent all the can sense itself as well as its surroundings. a steady state. Either it stays on, or it goes algorithms we’re running. You have to tweak time because it doesn’t really know. So at The audiovisual patterns that emerge off. Usually it stays on. these reward functions all the time. You have what time it learns ‘OK… I’m colliding with from the amalgam resemble a cybernetic So what happens then if you change the no idea really – the system doesn’t really the other agent, and I’m getting punished, electroacoustic organism that entrances environment and you turn the lights off in know what it’s doing. It just knows, “Oh, so I’ll try to stay a little further away.’ We’d visitors and lures them to the deep end of the room? Then it has to relearn, because that’s an interesting action, I got that reward, map that in terms of the speed of which the the pool. all the conditions have changed. Or you I got this number and I’ll do that again.” flashes happen on these lines. It’s a question n_polytope is a sound art suddenly blitz it with a strobe, or a flash, or These learning systems are not very good as of whether you see spatial patterns or installation designed and built by a team something. Then it starts up again and tries generative systems, but we’re trying to use temporal patterns, because people look for of artists, engineers and researchers at to relearn again. So if you continually change them in that way, and to produce generative spatial things – if I see the shape again and Concordia Univerity in Montreal, Canada, its environment, then it’s constantly trying to behaviours as opposed to trying to get to a again it means it’s not a random system. If and was now set up for the 15th edition of adapt, so it may never get into a steady state. certain task that it will then be able to repeat. I sense very simple rhythms or pulses… once Berlin’s Club Transmediale Festival (CTM) So that was one of [Sofian’s] tests. So then it gets to polyrhythmic it gets very complex for “adventurous music & art”. Taking place we thought about how to build this form of I: So does it fall into sequential states? since it’s not very good at rhythm. over an entire week, in venues across the city, CTM gathers the avant-garde in I: Like trying to understand which electronic and experimental music in the car’s blinkers are going faster than the present day, as well as paying homage other’s? to the pioneers of the 20­th Century. This installation in particular was inspired by C: Right. And of course, the brain has the ‘polytopes’ of Greek engineer-turned- extremely interesting temporal properties - composer Iannis Xenakis, which sought how all these neurons start synchronizing to synthesize multisensory environments with each other to form some notion of of light and sound, which surrounded perception that we have, which is way, way audiences in complex architectures of cable higher level than this. So Xenakis, whose geometries. n_polytope extends Xenakis’s work this piece is based on, was trained as ideas of stochastic sound synthesis and an architect, trained as an engineer, but also acoustic architectures by making use of as a composer. He came out of a period modern algorithms in machine learning and where in the sciences, thermodynamics distributed artificial neural networks. and statistical mechanics were the main I spoke with Chris Salter (Director of concern… he was interested in micro and Montreal’s Hexagaram-Concordia Centre macro properties and Boltzmann models of for Research and Creation in Media Art gases and so on. So he used those models and Technology) and Marije Baalman in his composition (Poisson distributions, (ex-postdoc at Hexagram and currently etc.). He wanted probabilistic models, he a hardware engineer and freelance wanted stochastic music, he didn’t want artist at Amsterdam’s STEIM (Studio for deterministic models. He wasn’t interested Electro-Instrumental Music)) about the in determinism, he was interested in control. technological and philosophical aspects of He was interested in not the kind of linear the installation, which was put together by a polyphony of what the serial composers in wider team of collaborators in architectural the 1950s were doing, where everything was design, laser systems, programming and deterministic, based on tone rows, and so electronics. on. He was actually interested in patterns like what happens when, in a riot, suddenly Íñigo: How did you quantify the someone starts yelling and then it picks up awareness of the individuals within the and spreads, exhibiting a kind of swarm system? behaviour. Or like the patterns of raindrops falling on surfaces. So it was the idea of Chris Salter: Well, it’s a really simple system. sound as a mass, or a cloud, or grains.

Editors: Riaz Agahi [email protected] FRIDAY 20 JUN ARTS & CULTURE 21

He was very critical of the Fourier models so that’s very much the tension. That’s the of synthesis. Fourier is non-temporal research area and that’s from a technical or basically, you have to stack things over philosophical point of view and also from time with enough bins (time-frames) to see an aesthetic point of view, because that if there’s a temporal shape, since time and question overlaps all of those spaces. They frequency are separate domains. He was very all somehow operate together. You can’t just interested in the work of Gabor, who was a say “Well that’s a technical question, we can physicist who had these wavelet models. solve that,” and that you can do something Gabor of course imagined that time and with a tool. They are very intimately related, frequency could be in the same domain, so because the degree of shaping you have if you think about a grain having envelopes over the behaviour of something is highly and you can shape individual grains, but at dependent on what kind of behaviour that the same time considering both domains. thing or that process produces, and part of It’s very interesting to think about sonic it is observing that behaviour constantly in behaviour in those terms. some type of dialogue. The English Science Studies scholar Andrew Pickering calls it I: It would be interesting if there was the dance of agency between you and the dynamic switching close to the Gabor non-human parts of things. He’s a physicist limit [where the trade-off in certainty by training, and is very well known in the between temporal and spectral area of science and technology studies identity is defined], like maybe it’s for discussing performative practices in behaving in temporal patterns first sciences, questions of science being socially and then reaches some limit and then shaped. Because science is not just scientists the spectral patterns become more discovering nature, it’s constructing those dominant. phenomena with instruments and cultural frameworks like laboratories. There’s a C: Yeah, that’s the kind of space he came out constant give and take between materials of. I was talking with a friend of mine today you’re using and watching and seeing what who’s a professor at UdK (Universität der they do, and then describing them. There’s Künste, Berlin) who is also a programmer, a similar thing with these kinds of projects, and the whole question was whether Xenakis like right now there’s nothing happening [in had any interest in cybernetics and feedback the installation] - it’s like when the cells die systems. He probably didn’t, even though in the lab. The experiment’s done. So that’s this was happening at the same time. He was a little background of where we’ve been very aware of these trends in the sciences, thinking. but it’s a very different set of models that come from thinking about control systems I: I was wondering when you said versus the statistical systems. about the single node prototype and altering the environment by strobing I: I guess he was more interested in or switching it on and off. So here the generative properties or stochastic environment is actually the structure properties rather than manipulating it itself, the ensemble of all the elements. himself. C: Yeah. So for instance there’s all sorts C: Exactly. He was always interested in of noise in the system. There’s a sensor computers as systems to drive things, not that’s looking at those lights, but it’s not as systems that produce responses that a precise system. It’s more about the idea you can shape. That’s one of the questions that sometimes when those lights are next The acoustic units have little antennas which we’ve tried to address in thinking about to their neighbours, they may have more I: Is the parallel with Xenakis more help them to communicate wirelessly to a what these projects could mean now, if you energy because they have a different set about the underlying system, the computer running Python, and that sends approach these things from these machine of conditions, their ‘Umwelt’. That means physical structure, or the sound all the sound information to SuperCollider. learning algorithms or agent networks or that the way they behave is never going to synthesis? So I’m sending settings and triggers for neuronal models – where does the active be exactly the same. There’s a structure to the lights and sound from the computer, responsibility lay in the system or how it, but they’re never going to do the same C: It’s more about the questions he addressed and then I get sent the data back from the you negotiate between these agents and thing again and again because they’re so in his ‘polytopes’, which were environments units. The lights patterns are synthesized human predilection for making patterns dependent on what their neighbours are of light, sound, and architecture, tied in a similar way, so I can program the light and structures and shapes that are clearly doing. You see patterns and it’s not like it’s together by electronic gestures across all envelopes just like I would the sound, as perceivable and have dramatic effect and just totally random all the time. Ultimately three. Thinking about light temporally waveform and duration. the pattern is the steady state that one and sound spatially; and about his interest C: It runs in two cycles, one which is more perceives. But we don’t let them do that, we in masses or clusters of points – here, the dramatic (‘chasing’) and another which is keep them active. When you’re testing these optical and acoustic agents. more ambiental (‘firefly’), so it’s quieter. RL algorithms that evolve until they reach a steady state, but we don’t let them reach I: Was this made specifically for CTM I: Sofian Audry also worked on some of that steady state, we constantly try to keep Festival here in Berlin? the software, right? Is this part of Sofian them moving. Audry’s PhD project at Hexagram? C: No, it was originally built in Spain, at I: So when it reaches a steady state, the LABoral in Gijón, as part of a residency. C: Part of it. He has different projects, but whole system stops? After that, it was shown in the Buckminster this is part of the research. He built the Fuller Dome of the Vitra Design Museum library for this project but he’s also using it C: No, it doesn’t stop. There’s an energy there. Now, it was rethought for the Stattbad for his own work. model and once it runs out of energy space. The basic arching truss structures are it either stops or you boost it with new there, but they were rearranged to fit the I: For the sound or the lights? energy because it gets a blast of light from geometry of the pool. The sound is always something around it and it starts up again. reconsidered for the space as well. C: He’s agnostic to that. It’s an open-source The system is reacting to things happening C++ library called ‘qualia’, which does in its environment and the agents will tend I: Marije, can you tell me a bit about the machine learning, essentially; there’s figure to start up again. software and the sound synthesis? trees built into it too and different types of processes. When we started to work on I: So it’s an environmental thing, not Marije: There are two sound sources. There this project he showed me a kind of test of arbitrary? are sounds being synthesized by the little something, a very simple model of a sensor in white speaker/microphone units, which is an environment and the question is whether C: Right, it’s environmental. programmed in Arduino. Apart from the or not it understood what the environment units, there is also sound coming from a pair was doing, if it changed its output. And then I: How reactive is it to the spectators? of big speakers which was composed with we started to talk and I said “Can we make a multi-track editor by Chris [Salter] and it in a larger scale?” Not just one node, but C: Not at all. Unless you start flashing Adam Basanta. The pre-recorded material many nodes. And so it eventually became cameras at it, then it might do something. is constantly being reprocessed or discarded. what is now n_polytope. Back row: Jonny Pratt, Max Eggl, Phil Kent, Kunal Wagle, Max Hunter, Tom Rivlin, Stephen Ball, Maciej Matuszewski, Shiladitya Ghosh, Rory Fenton Front row: Rosamund Pearce, Gordon Kam, Sarah Tallet-Williams, Tessa Davey, Philippa Skett, Mattin Mir-Tahmasebi, Joe Letts, Carol Ann Cheah, Aemun Reza, Cécile Borkhataria, Michael Chung, Riaz Agahi (no air-conditioning in the office)

(we’re looking for next year’s centrefolds! email [email protected]) You only have until 12:00 Saturday to get your ticket! Tickets have almost sold out so be quick not to miss out. £40 Buy your tickets online now at: imperialcollegeunion.org/summerball imperialcollegeunion.org/summerball

28 FILM & TV FRIDAY 20 JUN On The Box – Film & TV We’re gonna die young Summer musicals

Clint Eastwood directs his first-ever musical film, Jersey Boys (released 20th June), based on the Tony-winning Broadway hit stage production of the same name. The story is of how Frankie Valli and The Four Seasons came together to become the singing sensation of the 1960s. Reviews have been mixed at best, although fans of the singers are guaranteed to have a good time, with hit songs such as ‘Sherry’, ‘Walk Like a Man’, and ‘Can’t team of producers in all their still feels shoe-horned in and Take My Eyes Off You’ making their appearances, sung by musically The Fault in Our multi-titled guises with an eye on mildly troublesome – and anyone trained actors, not just film actors trying to sing to fit the role. making the best film possible while who wasn’t a fan of the book’s Stars keeping the budget through the sentimentality and deliberately floor, a knock-out cast featuring adolescent philosophising won’t Director: Josh Boone Shailene Woodley at a point where find anything here to convince Writers: Scott Neustadter, her star can only continue to rise, them otherwise. Michael H. Weber, John Green and known, successful quantities All in all, it’s a very straight- (book) in the screenwriters and director up adaptation – too straight-up, Starring: Shailene Woodley, (note ‘successful’, not ‘great’ – truth be told. The direction is Ansel Englort, Laura Dern Neustatder and Weber are the duo uninspired, taking the obvious Runtime: 126 minutes responsible for (500) Days of Summer, route for every single shot and Certification: 12A which was unavoidably successful doing nothing of any real interest but of questionable merit). (yes, obviously in some scenes All these factors collide to make the obvious route is the right a film that is unquestionably a one, but not in all of them), while perfect adaptation of the source the soundtrack choices are so Jack Steadman text. The cast are incredible, painfully routine and obvious it’s Treasured writer nailing every single emotional almost unbearable. If you went beat (if not adding something away, made a Spotify playlist of “The fault, dear Brutus, is not in more to each of them), with clichéd songs you’d expect in a our stars but in ourselves, that we one particular scene involving film like this, and brought it back, are underlings.” So goes the line Hazel’s (Woodley) parents I could guarantee you at least from Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar that proving far harder-hitting that half of those songs would make inspired the title of John Green’s its textual counterpart, thanks an appearance here. tale of two cancer-struck teens in no small part to Laura Dern’s It feels weird to be complaining Think of this as the cheaper, tackier version of Mamma Mia, as if such who fall impossibly, tragically in performance as Hazel’s mother. about a film playing it safe and a thing could be achieved. Mamma Mia took the best of Abba and made love. The book was incredibly The story follows the same settling for simple doing what a stage musical out of it, which was then turned into a film, but with well-received, more so than any path, the same beats, using it should be doing, and doing Walking on Sunshine (released 27th June) it jumps straight into making of Green’s other efforts (which them to great effect to wring the it competently – it’s certainly a film out of the greatest hits of the 80s. ‘How Do I Know’, ‘Venus’, ‘The remain beloved in their own maximum volume of tears out a step up from doing it badly, Power of Love’, ‘If I Could Turn Back Time’, ‘Wake Me Up Before You ways), with the response to it being of its audience. Unfortunately, after all – but it really does Go-Go’, and ‘Walking on Sunshine’ appear on the soundtrack list, and of such a magnitude that a film the preview screening I saw feel like a problem here. The this marks singer Leona Lewis’ film debut. adaptation was almost inevitable. achieved this effect to such a cast are stellar, there’s no two But with the path to adaptation degree that it was hard to hear ways around it, and the story’s comes the valley of hatchet jobs, a some of the film over the crying a strong one if you’re prepared valley where so many books have – speaks volumes for how to invest in the characters. The fallen previously. effective it was, I suppose. direction and music being found The Fault in Our Stars, fortunately, Of course, this does mean that wanting just makes it all feel like manages to navigate said any problems with the book are a missed opportunity. And that – metaphorical valley with aplomb, present and magnified on the more than anything I saw in the thanks to a combination of winning big screen – a scene in the Anne film – is what really upsets me. factors: the heavy involvement Frank house, while obviously of the author (Green was on set thematically resonant (I love “At odiandist, quiae virtually every day), a dedicated that phrase, it’s so meaningless) nihicimpos asitas ipsant Editors: John Park (Film & TV), Emily Fulham (TV) [email protected] quiam, sim volenih ilibus dolorum a seque sitatur?” – Jeremy Hunt FRIDAY 20 JUN FILM & TV 29 Hot releases of Summer 2014 You can teach old Tammy (4th July) dogs new tricks? Transformers (5th July)

YeT ANOTHER old man HTTYD2 (11th July) in an action film a malignant cancer spreads to (Connie Nielsen) is also tired of turns out to be an unexpected his lungs. And it’s this bleak her husband’s demanding job. surprise in the best possible way. 3 Days to Kill prognosis that the CIA decides Throughout the film, 3 Days to It hits a definite low point once to take advantage of. Vivi Delay Kill has the constant urge to try to it starts focusing on the women Director: McG (Amber Heard), one of CIA’s elite balance two very distinct aspects to surrounding Ethan’s personal Writers: Adi Hasak, Luc assassins, is tasked with hunting the story, never quite succeeding and professional life. There is Hercules (25th July) Besson down the Wolf (Richard Sammel), in make one side as good as the absolutely nothing new about the Starring: Kevin Costner, a mysterious, illusive criminal other. The thrilling action scenes broad, thin characterisation of the Amber Heard, Hailee Steinfeld, who needs to be caught for some get it exactly right. McG, last film’s wife/daughter roles and the Connie Nielsen reason. She makes a deal with the seen directing the underrated, film doesn’t quite know what to Runtime: 117 minutes terminal Ethan. Do this one last much underseen This is War, has do with Amber Heard, who just Certification: 12A job, and the CIA will provide him a good grasp of using Costner, a pops up whenever she feels like with a new experimental drug that seasoned, veteran actor who looks it, in her fancy car, flirting with could cure his condition. comfortable in his role. He looks Ethan occasionally, giving him his When he is not being shot at as though he’s been doing this for new mission, then disappearing for by foreign agents and potential years, successfully pulling off his another significant portion of the terrorists, Ethan is having scruffy, grumpy look. film. John Park problems at home too. His The script, co-written by Adi Sadly despite Costner’s leading Guardians of the Galaxy (31st July) Film Editor estranged daughter Zoey (Hailee Hasak and Luc Besson, manages man efforts, there isn’t a franchise Steinfeld) who he never paid too to take its time to place some potential here. But as a one-off, much attention to, does not even off-beat humour into many of its mindless bit of entertainment, it Clearly, old men in action films is call him “dad” but instead by his implausible situations, almost in gets its job done, just like most a popular trend these days, thanks first name. His ex-wife Christine a self-mocking sort of way, which things handled by Besson. to Liam Neeson’s unprecedented success with the Taken franchise, that currently has its third film in production. Kevin Costner tries to copy the success of Neeson in the form of a career revival, with The Inbetweeners 2 (6th August) Luc Besson, the influential figure behind Taken, penning the script. The result is a mixed bag; Costner certainly has what it takes to pull off a potential franchise, but the film is so cliched and all over the place that a well-assembled cast is not fully utilised. From the get go this is not something to be taken seriously. Ethan Renner (Costner) is Lucy (22nd August) only given months to live after

FRIDAY 20 JUN FILM & TV 31 Mirror mirror Justice League assemble The rumour mill is exploding with numerous casting announcements as well as wild speculations surrounding Zack Snyder’s Man of Steel on the wall... sequel, Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice. Here is what little we know so far...

If/when a murder happens, on during the dark periods of Brit actor Henry Cavill will be Whether you like it or not, Ben Relative unknown Gal Cadot is set the excuse of “the mirror made her childhood. She tracks down back: reprising his role as Clark Affleck WILL be playing Bruce to play Wonder Woman, adding me do it” is not likely to be an the haunted mirror, does her Kent/Superman. Hurrah. Wayne/Batman. a much-needed female superhero. acceptable form of defence for research, and is ready to test and the perpetrator. However for destroy it once and for all. Her the characters tangled up in family name was clearly hit hard the violent nightmare of film by bad press surrounding the Oculus, it really is the case that news coverage of that infamous the antique family mirror drove night, and now she’s willing to everyone ultimately crazy. prove everyone’s innocence, her 21-year-old Tim Russell father’s as well as her brother’s. (Brenton Thwaites) is awaiting The cameras are set up to for discharge from a psychiatric record everything, and she has hospital, where he stayed ever also dragged along her reluctant since a horrific incident that brother to take part in what looks occurred eleven years ago. He like a risky experiment. Jason Momoa (aka the guy who Fast-talking Oscar nominated actor Bruce Wayne’s loyal butler, a role remembers snapshots of what Now this mirror is a piece of rapes Daenerys in Game of Jesse Eisenberg is confirmed for once filled by Michael Caine, goes happened, with the gruesome work. It has defence mechanisms Thrones) will play Aquaman. Lex Luthor, Superman’s nemesis. to the equally great Jeremy Irons. flashback ending with him, of its own, and has the knack as a ten-year-old boy (Garrett of playing some serious mind Ryan) shooting his father. games with the poor fools who Reuniting with his older sister try to tackle this problem head Kaylie (Karen Gillan) in the on. It plays with the characters’ outside world, Tim wishes to minds, placing them in wildly start a brand new chapter in his confusing and equally dangerous life, away from the horrors that situations. And even with a single took place in their household misstep, Kaylie’s plan will fall all those years ago. But Kaylie spectacularly apart. As the focus wants Tim to remember and to of the horror film starts toying exact revenge on the dark entity with the protagonists, the equal that put them in this difficult effect is had on its audience, in Amy Adams is signed on to return The only parenting figure of Laurence Fisburne will be Clark’s situation in the first place. But its gripping, spooky atmosphere as Superman’s girlfriend, award- Superman who hasn’t died, Diane new boss, as the editor-in-chief of remember what exactly? And it’s that has an advantage of not winning journalist Lois Lane. Lane will guide Clark as Martha. Daily Planet, Perry White. from this point on the film starts being utterly predictable from to effectively juggle two narrative start to finish. strands. One in the present, The performances are and the other focusing on what uniformly excellent, the best happened eleven years ago. work coming from Scottish The Russell family, led by actress Karen Gillan, handling father Alan (Rory Cochrane) her meaty role with confidence, and mother Marie (Katee with the added bonus of putting Sackhoff), move into their on an impeccable American new home, which is where the accent. Cult favourites Cochrane deadly mirror in question first and Sackhoff have more to do makes its appearance. It’s a part than the audience is initially lead of Alan decorating his office, to believe, and they both pull off No Justice League movie can be Please let this be true. Loki as the In honour of Ben Affleck playing although little does he know how terror beautifully. without Catwoman. Emily Blunt is new Joker? Yes please. He’ll be Batman, there have been stories much of a twisted, sinister turn Very few horror films have reportedly circling the role. absolutely incredible. Matt Damon could be Robin. his domestic life will take as a satisfying endings, and Oculus is consequence of having that ugly no exception when it comes to relic around the house. this department of becoming the At first they are small, minor flimsiest part of the movie, having changes, then they develop into had such incredible scenes of disturbing visions, stomach- terrifying and effective build-up. turning violence, leading up But the film opens itself up for to downright insanity. Marie possible sequels, and with the and the children are thrown endless horror opportunities that into this also, building up to the deadly mirror provides, bring a crashing climax that leads to on part two and whoever wants Tim becoming institutionalised to square off against it. at a young age. Stephen Amell, playing CW’s He may have dropped out of 50 Yeah, nice try Ryan Reynolds, The In the present, Kaylie Green Arrow (ie DC’s version of Shades of Grey, but could Charlie Green Lantern will not be a part of remembers all about what went Hawkeye), is up for joining. Hunnam be The Flash? this. Not for a while anyway. 32 FILM & TV FRIDAY 20 JUN Apocalypse Now - Bong Joon Ho style Dashing through the snow

the poor are forced to survive amongst themselves in horrendous Snowpiercer conditions. But it’s time for the passengers of Director: Bong Joon-ho the back to rise up. United under Writers: Bong Joon-ho, Kelly the reluctant leader in the form of Masterson Curtis (Chris Evans), they plan a Starring: Chris Evans, Jamie day of uprising to overthrow the Bell, John Hurt, Ed Harris, Tilda unfair, violent rule of the rich Swinton, Octavia Spencer, that is imposed on them. The aim Song Kang-ho, Ko Ah-sung is to get to the very front of the Runtime: 126 minutes train, take control of the engine Certification: R (USA) room, and come face-to-face with Wilford (Ed Harris), the man who built this train. Whilst the train serves as a vessel of survival away from the freezing cold of front is quite the uncomfortable her an insane drive and a fiery exciting, dangerous territories. John Park the outside world, the conditions spectacle. Curtis and his gang are spark and strength like no other. There is quirky humour in their Film Editor inside as it is soon revealed to us, completely stripped of colours, John Hurt is a man of few words performances, something that are not all that much better. only introduced to bright shades but with important information to comes as a welcome distraction There are striking, unsettling and lively ambiance as they slowly share, and with Ed Harris, the two from the otherwise very damp, The future is sure an ugly, grim similarities with what goes on but surely make progress with the make up the classic “wise old men” depressing mood. place indeed for Bong Joon- inside this train with what is revolution. characters who know more than Tilda Swinton, always the ho. After global warming freezes happening right now in our This is the most complex role they let on, hugely contributing excellent scene-stealer in whatever Earth to death, lucky survivors world. The extreme wealth gap, Chris Evans has ever had, and to the film’s overall narrative arc, movie she is in, does exactly that, on a miracle train that repeatedly violence against the weak, greed he comes off convincingly as a despite not having long individual as the eccentric Minister Mason. travels round and round the globe, for resources, the list goes on and conflicted leader, unwittingly roles. The steam and energy fizzle off are stuck in this perpetual cycle on. The struggle experienced at the thrown to the front of the The excellent cast from the towards the end. But there is no and the harsh class division the back of the train is very extremely movement. Octavia Spencer West is joined by Korean actors doubting that Snowpiercer is a train enforces on its passengers. portrayed, with no sugar-coating shows she is one mother figure Song Kang-ho and Ko Ah-sung, thought-provoking, often shocking, The rich enjoy all the luxuries of any kind, whereas the lavish not to cross, as her character’s who serve as the key plot device unsettling film that covers a hell of near the front of the train, where display of what goes on near the determination to find her son gives for the film to progress into more a lot in its running time. FRIDAY 20 JUN GAMES & TECH 33 Technology KILLER ROBOTS NEWS BUBBLE Facebook Slingshot Recently a new breakthrough its behaviour according to this is permanently connected to the was achieved in the field of information. However, most Internet. Facebook has now released a snapchat clone, where the only robotics. Pepper, a robot from horrifically, is the fact that pepper So what does this mean for the difference is that you only recieve a picture by sending one back. Japan, is now able to read will be able to dance, joke and future of the human race, and its To be perfectly honest this feels super gimmicky. Will it really make emotions from its human amuse its owners. All of this is relationship to its creations? Well that sexting any easier or less akward? Also, Facebook will of course masters. done by a 121 cm robot, which obviously, this is the end. Now that store these photos on their servers and use them to sell on to those Furthermore, it can change learns from its environment and robots can read our emotions, what stalked advertising companies we all hate. is to stop them from influencing them us and ultimately enslaving us? Cheap iMac The short answer: Nothing. The long answer: Nothing. They are Apple is equal to expensive. This is an unspoken fact. They spend physically more capable. Maybe 15 pence on making a charging cable which they then flog to the not, right at this moment, but once consumer for 30 quid. However, Apple have now decided that they they can understand emotions, are going to help out the less fortunate among us and release an becoming long-distance, sprinting, iMac for an absolute steal of £899. By lowering their price sooo machine-gun toting killers? It far, we can finally all buy this wonderful machine for small change! really isn’t that much of a big step. Furthermore in terms of mental capabilities, computers have been out-performing us for a few years will soon develop their own. Who cannot outrun a terminator and now! They can beat every single knows what an angry robot that you can’t beat a battle robot, with human being at chess, solve encounters a paradox will do. One flamethrowers as arms, which theorems and algorithms control thing that we can be sure of though means that the human race is your life. They are obviously the is that it won’t be pretty (imagine ultimately doomed. superior life form on this planet. a lot of blood, killing and raging This frightened journalist is Now that they have control of electronics!) going to now go underground and our emotions (trust me, reading So what can you do? Well, to come back up when our robotic our emotions is pretty much the be honest, not much. You can’t overlords have decided the mercy I, for one, welcome our Robotic overlords www.wikiwallpapers.com same as controlling them), they outthink a super computer, you is part of their programming. Yearly Review: The Big ones

Microsoft Apple Google Facebook Twitter

A year when the redmond based This year was dominated by first A year where Google have The story of Facebook’s year is buy, Another one of those anonymous company only really got into the the success of the maligned iPhone gone from strength to strength. buy, buy. Pretty much anything you years, Twitter has not done much news because of the numerous 5S and C, as well as the purchase Android is now the dominating could have thought of they bought. in the past months. Firstly we had U-turns they did, as well as of Beats for 3.2 Billion dollars. operating system on mobiles as Whatsapp, popular messaging the closure of the failing twitt ser falling really far behind to Sony The mood around the California well as tablets throughout the app, check. Oculus rift, kickstarter music, as well as an overhyped in the next-gen console devices. company, which was so negative world. Google’s stock has broken funded virtual reality headset, check. IPO. Originally starting very well, However, dropping of the kinect in 2013, has now improved and several records. However, even ProtoGeo Oy, fitness company the companies stock rose and rose, device as well as a lowering of the the pressure of the absence of throughout this year they have behind the famous app moves, before the release of its financial price, allows the XBone to be more Jobs seems now to be a distance stayed relatively anonymous. check. In addition Facebook has results, showing $500 million net competitive against the PS4. memory. All in all, while Apple Google Glass, first heralded as done really well this year in terms loss, which led the companies In terms of Windows, MS have is still not completely out of the an incredible breakthrough in of mobile adoption and ad revenue. value to tumble. However, they fallen somewhat under the radar, woods, the light at the end of the the area of wearable teachnology, Considering the way the social have managed to build on what with ok sales and the release of the tunnel can now be seen. I predict the hype has now faded, and the media site is branching out, expect a they have got and rightly are being surface 2. good things to come in the future. opporutnity has been missed. productive future. called the SMS of the internet.

Editors: Maximilian Eggl, Yong Wen Chua, Osama Awara [email protected] 34 GAMES & TECH FRIDAY 20 JUN FELIX GAMING REVIEW – SECTION BATTLE ROYALE

Felix news Felix Comment

The games editorial team can now Editor-in-Chief remarked: “I really The discussion for this article is certainly increase readership in this exclusively reveal that the Felix like gaming, gaming is fun.”, which whether the comment section old-fashioned section. In fact, the news section would be much better seems to suggest he supports the would be better with a heavier current Editor-in-Chief remarked: if there was a heavier focus on idea of a change at the helm of the focus on gaming. While currently “I really like gaming, gaming is gaming news. Recent articles in the front page of Imperial’s newspaper. the comment section is quite fun.”, once again suggesting a shake game section garnered a lot of views, There seems to also be suggestions boring, discussing inane topics up in the current set up of the and there were several calls for the of a redesign of the felix logo as seen like philosophy and communism, comment section. I myself would current games editor to be instated on the right, with a public poll to a larger influence from the be quite satisfied if this happened, as news editor. In fact, the current take place to choose the right one. interesting area of gaming would and would certainly contribute.

Felix Science Felix Arts

A recent scientific paper published consequences and could result in Having recently visited the gaming therefore, call for the Felix Editor in the prestigious journal Gamure immortality. In fact, the current exhibition at earls court, including who recently said, “I really like that suggests that the science section Editor-in-Chief remarked: “I modern artists like EA van Gogh gaming, gaming is fun.” to shake is boring, and would be much really like gaming, gaming is fun.”, and Leonardo Di Activision, has up the dusty art section and actual better if gaming was given a more suggesting he as well is inclined really opened my eyes to gaming get people reading it. This change prominent position. This could to introduce a gaming focus into as an art form. The pieces like could include instating the games include the science of how shooting science, thus making this section Call of Duty were insightful and editor as arts editor, as well as barrels and/or respawns. This last more relevant for the Imperial really commented on our current featuring interesting art (gaming) issue in particular has wide-ranging college of Science an Technology. social and economical situation. I, reviews.

Felix Music Felix Film

The latest album GTA V by it creates. Now read again, you This lengthy section, almost like genre-spanning rockstars Rockstar read a gaming review. Admit it, Gaming would be the films it review, would certainly studios has been an absolute you loved it. Therefore I suggest benefit from a snappier first person success. The music throughout that we model music more on the better gaming approach. Controlling the the entirety of this work really gaming section, with a heavier characters would convey emotion is entertaining and spans the focus on gaming. This idea is also Film Editor: John Park and thus giving this section a entire spectrum of emotion. It supported by the current editor- Games Editor: Maximilian Eggl, much needed readership boost. In allows you to let your anger free in-chief who said: “I really like Calum skene addition the Felix editor himself and really roam the wide world gaming, gaming is fun.” said: “I really like gaming, gaming is fun.”

Felix Tech Felix Food

The tech section is the worst gaming related material would Sandwich à la Gaming: mayonaise to each side. Next very section of them all. Maximilian not increase the quality of this 2 x pieces of bread carefully cut the tomatoes into halves Eggl, current technology section section. What we do suggest 1 x piece of ham and arrange them symmetrically editor said: “It’s completely is scrapping the tech section 2 x salad leaves on one of the pieces of toast. Then shit, we only review apple stuff completely and introducing 3 x tomatoes forcefully throw the salad on the anyway.” Us from the gaming a section namely gaming- Mayonaise toast, and finish off with slapping section have no clear solution technology, with Maximilian the ham on, and then smacking the for this lack of quality due to Eggl, current gaming section Firstly toast the bread until it is two pieces together. Voilà you know the fact that even doing more editor, as its chief. crunchy, and then slowly add the have perfect gaming snack food

Editors: Maximilian Eggl, Calum Skene [email protected] FRIDAY 20 JUN GAMES & TECH 35 FELIX GAMING REVIEW – SECTION BATTLE ROYALE

Felix Books Felix Sports

The books section while rather is fun.” Which completely Last week the Felix Sports superior to the Sabrecats. After entertaining, when reviewing the supports the idea that he wants Sabrecats came up against the this humiliating loss owner of walk through guides of various to revamp the books section, and Gaming Giants. After failing to both franchises, Editor-in-chief games (which it does too rarely), rename it to the Walkthrough score a single point, the Sabrecats Joe Letts said that “I really like still lacks that heavy gaming Books section, furthermore were ruthlessly destroyed when gaming, gaming is fun.”, thereby influence that for instance the giving the already overworked the Giant’s Skene entered the fray. sacking the entire Sabrecats gaming section possesses. The games section team (who were Furthermore a dismal display by players, and instating the Giants editor-in-chief himself remarked: incredibly successful) the job of Sabrecat’s captain Wagle just team as a dual team taking over “I really like gaming, gaming increase the readership. went to show that the Giants were the roles of both.

Felix Catnip Felix Hangman

Lonely catnip editor looking Starting out with a co-editorship Hey hangman editor here. I have know what, gaming could do with for a games editor to make with a possible move into senior managed to change the games editors a bit more hangman. So from next her section better. He must be editorship possible (winky face). review of my section before it went to year onwards the gaming section creative with design, have a heavy Editor-in-chief himself said, “I print. They said that hangman would will now be known as the gameman focus on gaming, and be able to really like gaming, gaming is be better if it made fun of gaming. section, horoscopes, bad jokes and write good articles in a pinch. I, fun”, meaning he is more than No effing way. Gaming section is being really unfunny, just like the myself, am in charge of a rather happy to finally get this section the worst section, and I would rather real hangman section! In fact, the unknown section trying to get off the ground, and actually wipe read bad poetry than set my Felix editor himself said, “I really like more exposure and readers. getting people to meet up. eyes upon that tripe. In fact, you hangman, hangman is fun.” Battlefield Hardline A serious review by Maximilian Eggl on the latest Battlefield game beta

Recently EA announced a closed in beta the game only has two game I played several rounds of this limited number of respawns, while However, if we remember that beta for its newest instalment in its modes, namely Blood money and mode and was really satisfied. The the cops can die as many times as Battlefield was released less than a Battlefield franchise. All you needed heist. Blood money is a really fun gun play from Battlefield, which they want. I found this mode really year ago, should EA be bringing out to do (and still can do at battlefield. capture the flag mode where you was ok to begin really melded good as well, however I think that the sequel? I honestly have to say com/hardline/beta) was give in have to steal money from a neutral well with the concept of the game even just a little teamwork would no. Battlefield 4 was a mess when your details and hope that EA safe and bring it back to your own. mode. I found it really enjoyable make this way better. However, as it came out, and still occasionally decided to pick you. To be honest At the same time you can steal when I was stealing the cash, the always battlefield players are quite a suffers from bugs and glitches. with you, I would honestly go for from the other sides safe, while adrenaline was rushing as I waited selfish bunch. Hardline proves that Dice can it. You only lose about 2 minutes they can do the same to you. Heist there to pick up the cash and I In terms of new content, apart actually bring out a well-optimized of your time, and potentially get to description was elated when I managed to take from the game modes, we have the game that runs well, so why hasn’t test a triple-A title for zilch. I mean, someone down who was about to addition of new meelee weapons, this been applied to Battlefield 4? what do you have to lose? rake in big time. Furthermore, the like police batons and baseball bats. Why release an entirely new game Anyway, I was lucky enough to tactics of this game mode are wide- Furthermore, the inclusion of a for an outrageous price, when the be chosen for the Beta, (although I ranging and can be completely riot shield which stops most bullets engine is the same, most of the believe that pretty much everyone different. For example you can play really is different from what we have mechanics are the same and there is chosen) and immediately went extremely aggressively, camping out seen before. The best addition in is relatively little content. To be to download the game from origin. your opponents safe and kill them my opinion though is the grappling honest, I really think that it would The interface itself is very similar every time they try to bring money hook and a zipline. This gives be better if Dice had released to battlefield 4 in that you have do there, or extremly defensively by the already interesting movement this game as a DLC, and I would everything pre-game through your just defending your own safe. All in options a new dimension which perhaps be more inclined to buy browser. You have a profile, loadout all it made for a really good gaming can lead to completely new tactics it. However, for to be paying the and can choose your server/game experience. to take out your enemies. whole £60 or whatever it will cost mode there. The heist game mode is similar, All in all considering that this is really ridiculous considering I The setting of Battlefield but instead of both teams needing game is in beta, as well as being already have Battlefield 4. I am Hardline is basically cops versus to steal money from a safe, we actually a quite demanding game I sorry EA, but regardless of how robbers. However, add into that have the robbers needing to crack was really impressed by how well it good Hardline is, I will not fall tried and tested formula the guns a safe and then carry the flag for a ran. Very rarely did I have any lag for your money making schemes. and mechanics of the Battlefield set amount of time. The cops need or performance issues. Everything Shame really, because as an add-on series, and you should get a really to stop the robbers from doing this. was really smooth and looked really I would have definitely bought it good game! Currently since we are www.wikipedia.org Simultaneously the robbers have a good. and advised others to get it as well. 36 CLUBS &SOCS FRIDAY 20 JUN A Weekend in Bruges Last month six members of the Meat Appreciation Society set off for a trip to Bruges. Little did they know what awaited them. Here are their stories.

A complete and accurate account of the first Imperial expedition to the exotic city of Bruges

Maciej Matuszewski to reveal a piercing blue sky Writer and a truly strange oddity – a yellow glowing orb of light very The Most Ancient and similar to one of Mr Edison’s Noble Meat Appreciation electric lamps but of far greater Society has had a long size and intensity. Fortunately, and illustrious history. Its this frightful apparition soon distinguished members disappeared and the heavens have, however, never returned to their habitual grey. been ones to rest on The natives were a hardy their laurels, whereupon and friendly people. Our came the idea of a explorations were helped by the daring expedition to the fact that, much to our surprise, forgotten city of Bruges, many of them spoke perfect in the far-off land known Queen’s English, which they as Belgium. had learned from previous Having obtained a most expeditions. We visited many generous grant from Her historical sites around the city Britannic Majesty’s Imperial and learned much of it storied Institution an expedition of six history. It appears that much gentlemen and gentlewomen of the industry of the town is was outfitted for the journey, dedicated to the production of under the leadership of the a most curious substance called eminent natural historian Helen ‘chocolate’. All of our party Pennington FZSL. Here I found this an intriguing area of humbly present a short record study, and we dedicated a great of our travels, in the hopes that deal of time to ensure a most it will serve for the edification thorough and comprehensive and enjoyment of the readers of investigation was carried out. this fine journal. In turn, our evenings were We departed from London primarily dedicated to the on the afternoon of the 23rd detailed examination of the of May in the year Our Lord town’s bars and drinking houses. 2014. We travelled fast and As per the constitution of our light by locomotive and, with Society we devoted much of our the assistance of a native guide, efforts to an investigation of the soon managed to find our way city’s culinary heritage. This to our final destination. The included partaking of a hearty city presented a very pleasant luncheon in a humble but aspect – the remains of strong agreeable tavern suggested to us exterior defences suggested a by the guidebooks of Monsieur warlike past but the wide canals Michelin. We also took the time and richly appointed buildings to visit a museum dedicated to also indicated a long history of so called ‘fries’ – poor relatives prosperous trade. The streets to the great British chips, yet not were narrow but pleasant, without commendable qualities. possessing a curious, non- While we were only able Euclidean property that greatly to stay in Bruges for three intrigued our logician (see the days we gathered much useful attached monograph opposite). scientific data. Overall this was On the day of our arrival the a very successful expedition to a weather was most agreeable, fascinating and exotic location – very much similar to the climate we would certainly recommend of England. However, on our further research in this and second day the clouds cleared other similar localities. FRIDAY 20 JUN CLUBS & SOCS 37 The Natives of Bruges

Ethel Bardsley

Endless twisting roads. Upon reaching Bruges, I victim, hungry. Even though it unsettled, I moved on into the safety I turned and ran. The footsteps I kept running, ever attempted to find my lodging, a has no eyes, I knew it watched me of the rain. I woke the following followed, with a slow yet constant conscious of the footsteps small boarding house near one of pass. It watched, and I shuddered, morning, packed my things, said pacing, never matching my speed behind me, its march the city gates. I had procured a map with something even more primal my goodbyes, and started toward but always growing closer. I ran and keeping to the drumbeat of while in London, but none of the than fear, something that left me the station. I inevitably found myself it followed, waiting for me to tire and my heart. streets seemed to quite match, and transfixed, held as if by the hand lost, the maddening layout mocking fall. I took a left, almost falling were named differently when they of God Himself, if such a thing can from skidding on the did. I walked at least one circle of the even exist in the face of this... thing torrential downpour. maze, the trudging of my feet like a below. By the time I returned to Tap. shambling chant, walking out some my body and came to my senses, Tap. kind of prayer to be shown rest. But the shadow in the water was gone. Tap. as that thought crossed my mind, I stumbled back to my lodgings, the architecture yielded, and it was shaken. After my recent submission before me, where surely it was not The day that followed was to a collection curated by messrs before. agreeable, visiting local collections McIntosh and Bergen, I took my I checked into the hotel, and and enjoying delicacies. The rain left leave for Bruges. I had heard much went for a simple dinner in the me soaked as I walked, and I often of the Belgian air’s restorative effects, small square a short walk away. The found myself at a loss attempting to and I was tired from my studies, mussels were delicious, the escargot comprehend the geometry of the and so I found myself but 3 days divine, the beer rich and dark.The place, but suddenly it was refreshing, ago leaving the comfortable bosom streets, previously desolate and almost comforting in a way I can’t of London for the continent. The foreboding, were now filled with quite describe but felt so assuredly. journey was largely uneventful, all kinds of people, bustling and There was one moment of unease, although I found myself attempting scurrying to avoid the rain, suddenly however. Within a collection devoted me as I walked in circles again. I The rain lifted, and with it went to leave the train at Aalter, as if in pouring from the sky as it was. I idly to showcasing local produce, I came could not even try to ask a local for the footsteps. I was safe, of a kind, a trance, unthinkingly taking my watched them to and fro, before the upon a scene of such macabre guidance, as the streets were once but just as trapped as before. I rested luggage and walking to the door. I sky darkened, the rain stopped, and intentions I can barely comprehend. more empty. After an hour of this, for a few moments, before stumbling came to as I had nearly stepped out, they disappeared. I paid and left, A vision of a man consuming the sun beating down on me, I tried forward in hope of finding a gate and returned to my seat. I now wish and found myself stood on a bridge his own flesh, as if overcome by to stop for a lunch, or perhaps one before the rain returned, my body I had not, and allowed whatever looking out over one of the many madness, not for want of food, but of the Trappist brews, but found no- aching. providence to succeed in its attempt canals, and shuddered. The river, of such warped senses as to find it where open. A bell tolled in the near But it rained again. And again, to save me. its black mass seething and writhing appetizing. Next to them, a woman distance, hidden behind the walls of and again, through day and night. I beneath, gurgling as if digesting offered up her child, like a basket of this maze, so close and yet obscured do not know how many frozen cold its last delicious fruits, insane and twisted. and concealed. I turned, looked at wet nights I ran for. It never quite Confused and my map, turned again. reached me, but it was often close, Everywhere, a winding its scent lingering, mixing with my road of esoteric yet uniform own newfound smell of decay. Even architecture, devoid of any though I knew there was no exit kind of life. “Gieterijstraat”, from this foul place, I kept running, “Witteleertouwesstraat”, hope alone keeping me mobile. “Minderbroederstraat”, the language Days turned to weeks, and I as arcane as the streets themselves, collapsed, exhausted and starving, seemingly assembled without form not even having the strength to fear or reason. It was at this point that I anymore. I willed it to catch me, to knew. The city had caught me, and consume me through myself. now it was simply playing. When the rain came that time, I I walked and walked, growing tired did not hear the footsteps. and hungry. I longed for the rain, to I am told I spent only 3 days cool me in the sun and as reassurance abroad, although they will admit that time was truly passing. But with I looked somehow aged. I escaped it came the footsteps. When I first with my life, but I am less sure of my heard them, I felt joy, but it soon soul, and know I have lost my mind. turned to terror as I saw what was My nurse chatters to herself as she making them, for I had seen it in the tidies my bedsheets and nightstand. eyes of the man feasting on himself. I pick at my skin and start to salivate. 38 CLUBS &SOCS FRIDAY 20 JUN

A Sonnet of Bruges Helen Pennington

On quest we went to see new lands divine, Fair Bruges, our goal therein new foods to seek, Our hope to dine on dishes so sublime, Brave knights cannot hold back, cannot be meek.

Great dragon, Eurostar, to be our steed, Swallo’d us whole and moved us on our quest, A hostel sought we in our time of need, With safe haven and lodging were we blessed.

Our joy was found in taverns far and near, Bright stars of Michelin were to the fore, Great friends, great food and many steins of beer, Duck, rabbit, lamb, beef, pork and many more.

As we reflect upon fair times gone by, ‘Onward!’ to out next quest shall be our cry!

Once upon a time... there was a time war – Alex Cameron

This stretch I run a pub. It’s a small thing, power, there is war. a hole-in-the-wall with some temporal The consistency engine sticks reality debris stuck to the wall, a consistency together. It keeps this building in the real engine ticking in the back, and a great – writing it into the world as it changes selection of beers. around us. Outside the Agents walk back As for me? I accomplished forty seven through the streets, and then out into the missions for the Temporal Directive. past or the future or one of the sideways Don’t worry – you’ll never have heard realms. of them. My last mission was their What? You thought all those young erasure. They had done what they set men and woman were here for the night out to do, and they believed in tidying life? You can’t see the desperation in up after themselves. I’m the only one their eyes as they party away one last who remembers them – so now I run a night before walking out into the endless bar filled with the flotsam of a hundred possibilities? timelines. Agents always end up alone. Any action I think it tells you a lot about the life in the past births a new future. One where I’ve lead that my idea of retirement is you never will/can be/have been born. So running a pub in a war zone. now I provide a few moments of quiet A war zone? In Bruges? amidst the storm. Silly little linearist. Some Agents hide better than others. Old towns twist and turn. Using that is The group of six that just walked in, for like calculus, or secondary school general example. relativity. You have to be shown how. If I didn’t know better I’d be sure they Working it out on your own takes an didn’t even know what kind of town they Einstein, a Newton or a Shun. But once were in. you know, you can’t not do it. A twist of But this is Bruges. No one is innocent an alley brings you to the middle ages. here. But we can pretend. For a little Another brings your forward to one of while. the cyberfutures, and the gentle song of So I make some gentle conversation, the Sony mind whales. serve them Trappist beer, and send them And where there is humanity, and back into the howling void. FRIDAY 20 JUN CLUBS & SOCS 39 The Moomins in ‘Brooj’ Sam McKenney

CHAPTER 1 CHAPTER 2 CHAPTER 4 In which the Moomins embark upon their spirited Of their destination and the unusual places therein Their sad departure adventure After completing their arduous journey with little But as they continued their journey, they found It must have been early one morning in May that more in the way of incident, they disembarked on the that not everything in Brooj was as impolite as the Moomin family met at the railway platform, the foreign shore, in a land Moonelen helpfully informed the horses. Indeed, that the very same day, a most steam-engines chugging out little clouds with all their them was known as ‘Brooj’. gentlemanly, old building offered them as much might. “I’m hungry, but what is there to eat in this strange chocolate as they wanted. Soon after, another “Are we all ready ready for an adventure?” asked place?” Moominthel asked. And so they searched stately house was insisting upon their eating Moominelen. high and low until darkness fell and the rain began chips until they were all so full they could barely “Yes!” all the other Moomins replied in chorus, to fall. continue. with their bags-packed and sat at their sides “but how “I’m damp!” pined Moominswede*. The others As they explored further they soon discovered they shall we get there, it’s so very far?” agreed and found shelter under a big green tent, they were in fact on a small island, and windmills “Oh, you silly things, follow me” she gestured, which, fortuitously, also held food. Soon after, stood sentinel all around its circumference. They urging them forward. they all had lavish and unusual meals before them, stood far taller and prouder than the watermills As they strolled to the train, they passed through unlike anything to be found in Moominland, and the Moomins had all been taught to build in their a strange box, which beeped rudely at Moominpole, voluminous drinks. youth, and made our brave adventurers feel very although he didn’t know what he had down to offend Moominey lifted the glass. “Are you sure such a big safe indeed. the box. Then with much commotion, the box glass of dubbel is good for you?” enquired Moominon. It was then that Moominelen told them all it was scrumpled all around Moominpole and then released “But of course it is, all nice things are good for you!” time to leave. him, more scruffled than before. Moominon considered this advice for a time, and “Awww” the Moomins all said in unison “must “What a cad!” remarked Moominpole. agreed, ordering himself a cherry beverage of the very we leave?” same capacity. “Yes, I’m afraid so, my little Moomins for if we That night the Moomin family slept sweetly. don’t leave now, perhaps we should never leave. And if that were to happen, then who would return *Moomins do not like getting rained on, Moominswede to Moominland and tell everyone of the delights least of all. we have seen?”

The End CHAPTER 3 Further exploits in Brooj Dedicated to Tove Jansson

When they awoke, the Moomins exited their den to a bright sun-lit day, unlike anything to be found in Moominland. As they explored Brooj, they found many more houses than any of them had seen before, and, in the very centre of Brooj, there stood a tall tower. A huge square surrounded the tower and horses were pulling heavy loads behind them. “Why are you working so hard on such a lovely day?” Moominthel asked one of the horses they passed. “Neigh!” replied the horse. “The horses here certainly lack the courtesy they have back home” said Moominswede*.

*For in Moominland horses are commonly known to invite all but the rudest of persons around for tea. Photos by Helen Pennington and Sam McKenney 40 FOOD FRIDAY 20 JUN HOW NOT TO SUCK AT EATING/DRINKING OUT SERVERELLA dishes it like it is... and spills a few industry secrets

to try your luck right when it opens colder towards OTers...I’ve seen it in 10 minutes because we need to very good like that, tip or not.) Serverella and hope to high heaven you get happen.) turn tables for the next seating. Hospitality Lackey in. And some establishments are Big group? For the love of Be sensible, though. Restaurants SOME WAYS TO PISS US OFF the poncey type where even if they Michelin, wherever you go, don’t actually keep track of repeat no- Once you’re shown to your table, Hello - I’m Serverella, your don’t say so, they’ll be snooty to just show up - please phone or shows and cancellations - if you’re for heaven’s sake, sit where you are average neighborhood waiter. walk-ins. email way ahead of time. There the kind to stand us up 13 times seated. Nothing personal - there Just like Cinderella, I’ve been But what about those you’re not will most likely be a minimum out of 15 reservations, eventually really are so many good tables, “forced” into drudgery to sure about popularity-wise (read: spend of some sort (to discourage we won’t even bother accepting and unless you’ve put in a special get by; except outside of most places)? As a starting point, stingy campers who’ll spend nawt), your booking. request/are a good regular your the Grimm era, I work at the if you know you’re after a weekend but sometimes if your group has chances of getting a good table coalface of the service and primetime lunch/dinner slot, been amazing your server might FREEBIES may be slim. Don’t be an asshole hospitality industry to survive don’t be a self-centered yuppie - throw in a nice surprise...more on Oh we can tell who you are all by requesting a bigger 4-pax table in pricey London, and said PLEASE RESERVE EARLY (if freebies and attitudes later though. right - those of you who want when there are just two of you - drudgery is by choice. they take them.) If you’re coming something for nothing. Your if the place fills up, I sure as hell Don’t get me wrong; unlike in on a chilled day (Mondays and NO-SHOW ETIQUETTE servers are canny like that (even refuse to turn people away just Cinders, my job is more than Tuesdays tend to be dead-days for We get it, life’s a b***h and the bartenders you were trying to because your Gucci/LV is warming menial labour - I actually get to restaurants - it’s why you get most sometimes things just get in the sweet-talk for “birthday shots”), the two spare chairs. Can we say bat my lashes at a variety of folk deals happening on those days) or way. Or other times you’re still but we can tell you that if you mismanagement of resources? in semi-decent uniform, and I’m a bit of an off-peak time, you could undecided between two places for don’t expect it and are all-around Just as douchey would be asking certainly not covered in soot/ just walk in and ask the host(ess) that special surprise and figured pleasant, and it’s genuinely a social to move tables because you feel cinders by the end of my shift. nicely. It goes without saying that you’d book two to be safe and stand occasion or you’re a good regular, shafted. For Roux’s sake, planning It’s just as grueling though; I can your chances increase loads if up on one when you’ve decided. more often than not we’ll *maybe* seating arrangements requires just be on my feet for up to 10 hours you’re there right when it opens - Either way, we know minds and give you a free something. One as much meticulousness as Gulf per shift. I enjoy it in some weird compared to when the night is in plans change; just please PLEASE thing’s for sure, though: name- ware plans. way, though sometimes I wish full swing. phone or email us to let us know dropping the owners is NOT the I cry at the number of people customers would make it better for On the subject of OpenTable for you won’t be coming, whether it’s a way to go. You know the owners who are more interested in their us - it’s actually not that difficult. reservations…establishments would busy day or not. Sometimes we get personally? Great, so do we! Half cellphones than engaging with So here are some of my musings much rather you call to reserve - it unexpectedly slammed with walk- the time we probably despise them their dates/mates and paying full on what goes on behind the costs us a fee per diner (nevermind ins, so you taking the trouble to tell - nice try, bub. attention when ordering from scenes, and some tips on how you the crazy start-up and monthly us in advance helps us make sure Sometimes when you get a their servers. Unless you’re a doc can make the most out of your subscription costs), whereas we can make another unexpected freebie, you don’t have to feel too on standby waiting for an organ to hospitality-industry experience phoning/emailing us directly customer happy. bad about it - we’ve usually got a arrive, turn the darn thing off (and (whether it’s a birthday party, bypasses that. Think of the site as Same goes for if you’re running little “freebie tab budget”/stock we if you are, wouldn’t you be eating casual first date, classy business the Ticketmaster of the restaurant late - most places will hold your reserve for complimentary goodies in the hospital cafeteria anyway?) schmoozing or your bajillionth world - albeit quite hated by peeps table for up to 30 mins without on that night, so we can afford it. There are plenty more ways you anniversary) - this way, you can in the industry. Those “OT-only” you giving notice, but it’s much Other times though we’ve got to can rock - or suck - when you’re help us help you. deals you got on their site? Some better for us all if you say ahead of twist our managers’ arms before we dining out, though sadly they won’t of them are actually a sneaky way time how far away you’ll be. Your can comp your drink - so be nice! all fit on this page. Interested in GETTING ONE FOOT IN for restaurants to pass on the table isn’t the only one in your At a bar? A decent tip (beyond hearing more tales from my end? We’re well aware some places are per-diner cost. Others make up server’s section, and any notice your usual 1-2 quid) goes a long Got questions on how to dining- so bloody popular that reservations for it by hiking prices up post- you can give us helps us organize way in getting your bartender to out norms? Want to share your are damn well expected/a must installing OpenTable. Emailing is ourselves a bit better. Scratch our sweeten up. They’ll be even more horror/ace stories in hospitality? (looking at you, Sushi Tetsu), and free, and allows us to keep more back and we’ll scratch yours by inclined to remember your name Email Mike and Caz at food. others (hello MEATLiquor!) just of our profits (don’t be surprised trying to make sure you won’t have and drink choices before you open [email protected] - look don’t do reservations - so you have if some restaurants act a little bit to rush through your main course your mouth (even if they’re usually forward to reading your letters. Thanks for supporting us @ Food over the year - it’s been fun!

Editors: Carol Ann Cheah, Michael Yat Kit Chung [email protected] FRIDAY 20 JUN CATNIP 41 ASK ANNIE! EXPERT ADVICE FROM THE WOMAN WHO FOUGHT FOR WOMEN’S CLOAKROOM FACILITIES AT IMPERIAL Romance in

This week we asked the Felix edi- tors the following questions: HANGMAN 1. What animal noise do you the Office make during sex? 2. What good sex advice can you give? FELIX’SGETS FAVOURITE ANONYMOUS HORNY EDITORS EXPLORE 3. What is the worst sex advice you’ve ever received? THEIR HIDDEN DESIRES Their answers are below. Agony Aunt Annie Whiteley, 43, lives in Hammersmith, and likes kittens, sappy romance EDITOR 1: 1. Tortoise novels, and hardcore BDSM on the weekends. 2. Communicate – if Hangman, 20, lives in Fulham, and likes bad rap music, racism, and puns. you like or don’t After a disappointing response to Annie’s propositioning in last week’s Catnip, she found like something, herself alone and upset one evening in the Felix office this week. When Hangman found tell them. her this way, he decided to cheer her up by taking her on what 3. “Eat a doughnut she thought would be a romantic(ish) date. off his penis.” It’s just unsanitary! Hand in hand, they strolled down High Street Kensington heading to what Hangman has said was his favourite restaurant, known for both its excellent cuisine and reasonable EDITOR 2: 1. Bat prices. The location? McDonald’s. As Annie is a poor student, 2. Follow your she decided it was acceptable. Getting inside, Hangman had instincts conveniently “forgotten” his wallet, and when Annie offered to 3. “Sprinkle pay, he immediately ordered the most expensive thing on the pepper under menu. After ordering her own food, Hangman told Annie that his nose as she was too fat, and ate her burger in the hopes that this would he’s about to be the beginning of a diet, as well as eating half her chips. climax.“ This was nothing, however, compared to Hangman’s behaviour. Not only was he obnoxious and rude, he spent the entire meal making terrible jokes (see page 42 for EDITOR 3: examples of this). The worst was when he began making predictions for their future, all 1. Whale which seemed to end with Annie’s violent and untimely death. Overall, it was the worst 2. Always be willing date that Annie had ever been on. to try new things The sex was okay though. 3. Two in the pink and one in the stink”

EDITOR 4: EDITOR 5: EDITOR 6: EDITOR 7: 1. Rhino 1. Porcupine 1. Donkey 1. Stallion 2. A sensual warm bath after 2. Learn to put a condom on 2. Send him 2. If you feel reluctant, you’re sex does wonders for your with your mouth - it’s less sexy mes- not going to enjoy it. Don’t relationship awkward that way sages on his be afraid to say no. 3. “Use chocolate sauce – it’s 3. “Grip his shaft with both way home 3. “Try and inject some ro- tasty but it’s really sticky hands, then twist in oppo- to make him mance into your love life and ruins your site direc- horny when he gets there. by having sex sheets… and it tions as 3. “When you’re having a in somewhere looked awkward fast as you romantic meal, say: I’m interesting, like a when her mum can.” WHY going devour your penis like beach.” I DON’T walked in.” WOULD I’m devouring this piece of WANT SAND IN YOU DO meat.” What, with a steak MY ORIFICES! THAT? knife?! 42 HANGMAN FRIDAY 20 JUN

BOOBS! CAN ARTICLE WE EVER GET ENOUGH OF THEM? ACTUALLY 90% by Johnny Everyman IMAGES HANGMAN KNOWS YOU CAN’T HANDLE TOO MANY WORDS

Hangman Hangman Editor NO!!!!!! That would be really stupid. As it stands, a mere 50% of the population has them, maybe they would be boring to continually expose and discuss if 100% had them. Listen, men have absolutely no idea about boobs whatsoever, the only way they can realistically be educated about them is through constant societal obsession. Anyway, aren’t they great? I mean, just think of their This is what Beit would look like to a fish. Still really average. The officially endorsed cafe of Imperial College London. potential to feed small children. If that doesn’t justify judging people on their breast size, then I simply don’t know what does. And check out these pictures, sure they look a bit like boobs when you’re only glancing, but really they’re a sand dune, whilst the other is actually a mushroom. How unfulfilling was that? No, there must be breasts and they must be regularly and consistently distributed throughout all publications and media outlets. It’s the only common sense view.

THESE ARE THE GREATEST DOORS OF ALL TIME. ALL Cheeky Queen’s Tower. No need to hide QT, if HAIL THE LIBRARY ENTRANCE you’ve got it, flaunt it! KNOWING full well that you Hangman brings you an article words like a lot of images add absolutely nothing to your couldn’t possibly handle long that is 90% images. These can can, they are at least bright knowledge of the world. That’s blocks of text, no matter how be seen above and, although and colourful. They’re also probably for the best. well written or entertaining, they don’t quite say a thousand extremely easy to interpret and H. x FRIDAY 20 JUN HANGMAN 43 CELEBRITIES’ CLOTHES ISN’T THIS NOT AS GOOD THIS CELEBRITY WEEK AS LAST WEEK STUPID? APPARENTLY OR ARE YOU JUST FINDING THE ONLY WAY POSSIBLE TO OVERCOME THE CRIPPLING DISAPPOINTMENT THAT IS YOUR LIFE?

Jealousy McRage Celebrity Editor

GOSH, these celebrities have made yet another mistake. Could be in their extremely expensive and well-made clothing or it might Popsugar.com just have been something they said. Anyway, your insults SENSATIONALIST HEADLINE are definitely justified and definitely not an angry manifestation LEADS TO DRAMATIC INCREASE of the profound inadequacy and uselessness of your IN SENSATIONALIST HEADLINES life. I mean sure, Hysteria Over-le-Top these guys made a News Editor very public mistake and that should probably earn them a little bit of stick, but this level of gleeful NEW research has shown that a sensationalist schadenfreude is almost certainly loosely masking a deep headline published in the Felix section, dissatisfaction with all the opportunities missed and Hangman has directly caused a huge national horrendous decisions taken. spike in sensationalist headlines. But sure, don’t worry about it, these guys probably won’t More and more hear your lurid insults that would never be said to anyone’s headlines (insets) face. appear to be Because after all, they are successful millionaires with exaggerating multiple talents and a bright future whereas you’re a the claims of complete failure with no prospects left to rue what could published have been if you had any ounce of talent or desire to work reports - hard. statistical and Fuck those famous guys at any rate. scientific. It appears that the mere publication of such headlines increases so does the number of misinformed articles based on those headlines. Or maybe not but most likely it does and also, there’s a really good chance that this encapsulates everything that’s wrong with HERE’S ANOTHER Britain today. In fact, it’s almost certainly a disgraceful PICTURE OF violation of all the principles that make us Brits great. FAMOUS PEople. At any rate, what we can assume is that since This guys pretty darn talented and very handsome, but you should this headline has been loosely derived from an LOOK HOW probably make fun of his hat or glasses or something Credit: Onsecrethunt obscure research paper or misconstrued from some statistical data we can safely readjust our FAMOUS THEY ARE. lifestyles. CrediT: Splash News 44 FRIDAY 20 JUN Bye now!

Thanks for reading! FRIDAY 20 JUN SPORT 45 How England’s boys did

runs the rule over the Three Lions

JOE HART Had a so-so game. Though he possibly could have done better for the Suarez goal. 6 Leighton BAINES Was fairly anonymous going forward and will need to do more to prove he was the right choice. 6 Gary CAHILL Was culpable along with Jagielka for Suarez’s second goal. OK otherwise. 5 Phil JAGIELKA Seemed all at see when defending against both of Suarez’s goals. 4

Glen JOHNSON Provided a brilliant assist for the Rooney goal, and was a threat going forward. 7 TOP: Suarez celebrates with team mates after Uruguay’s second Raheem STERLING Not great when compared LEFT: Rooney celebrates his goal, to his performance in at the BOTTOM. the Italy game. Needs experience. 6 Steve GERRARD Lost the ball that led to the first goal. Misjudged the header that led to the second goal. 4 Jordan HENDERSON Was fairly anonymous for the most part of the game. 5

Danny WELBECK Struggled today and will need to produce a performance against Costa Rica 6 Wayne ROONEY The one bright spot, but he needs to produce this Continued from Back Page performance more often. It had been an encouraging England manager Roy Hodgson Rooney did score though in a performance again from England, will know that he has gained a 9 much-improved spell from the as they seemed to compete against lot of plaudits with his team’s Three Lions midway through the a team that not many would have performances over the first two Daniel STURRIDGE Second Half. However, Suarez was given them a chance against a few games. However, he will also know With the exception of able to capitalise on an error from months ago. that almost all of those plaudits will the build up to the goal, England captain (and Suarez’s However there were very disappear if they fail to hold up Sturridge didn’t have a Liverpool team mate) Steven worrying signs at the back again for their end of the bargain by beating good day at the office. 6 Gerrard to blast the Uruguayans the Three Lions, as they seemed Costa Rica in Belo Horizonte on to victory and leave England’s all at sea when trying to deal with Tuesday at 5. campaign hanging by a thread. Luis Suarez’s brilliance. HEADSHOTS: FIFA 46 SPORT FRIDAY 20 JUN

PELOTON TO PARIS

ICU TRIATHLON Continued from Back Page leprechaun luck to set us moving once many alarmed squeals escaping the peloton ferry at Newhaven. again. This was however not the end of our before that. Time for Garmin glitch #002. Youthfully With great trepidation and supposition Garmin glitches. The second rest stop taught us all a lesson optimistic we turned on to a dead-end road the brave fifteen prepared for a two day London proved slow but clear road on how to relieve oneself in public while and persuaded each other that the Garmin cycle to Paris; an Arch to Arc ride through cycling, and before we knew it we were wearing cycling gear. First one must waddle must be correct, before reaching a dirt track Southern English countryside to promised reunited with the support car. A Nature around in cycling cleats to find a suitable to a chorus of “I told you this was a dead- celestial heights of French tarmac. In Valley in the stomach and a cereal bar in bin/bush/tree to hide behind. end” and “this is going to be bad for my pensive preparation for the challenge ahead the back pocket and pedals turned Then it is a complicated bike!” Nevertheless, any obstacle and the many members settled into a relaxing night once again. Cycling in a group labyrinth of lycra to next kilometre was completed at a nerve of partying in central London, while others of fourteen has two major negotiate with a re- shatteringly slow pace. Laughing it off back relaxed to an evening of car hunting and bag issues: English roads enactment of the on tarmac we proceeded into yet another, loading until the early hours of the night. are never straight, so “walk-off pants even muddier bridle path that was clearly And after a restful two hours of sleep it was cars have very limited removal” not correct. Muddy cleats and slipping time to depart for Marble Arch. time and space to scene from wheels, bikes on shoulders and mud filled In great style everyone arrived precisely for overtake, leaving Zoolander brakes, we introduced our road bikes to the the 4:00am meet; a semblance for times to some overtakes for the joys of mountain biking; amazingly, without come. The chilled darkness of Marble Arch dangerously close to boys and a puncture. endorsed a frosty air of great expectation. handlebars; the other a far more Finally, the hills of Newhaven presented Michael Kaye, our support driver and joint is a caterpillar effect complicated themselves to us, along with the first tour organiser with Vicki Solly captured the when the Peloton achievement puncture. A relaxed and hard earned descent moment at Marble Arch before firing the front changes pace. by the girls. turned quickly into wheel locking panic as metaphorical starting pistol for our 288km A slight touch on the However as Tom Bartissol (our French host) suddenly journey. brakes by the Peloton always, we stopped halfway down in front of a pothole 100m round the corner and we had our leader and the back of power through with a puncture. In our special supportive first stop. Fran’s saddle had gone floppy and the pack is emergency whatever obstacle way we all hurled abuse at him as we passed the trusty Garmin route plan was corrupted. braking to avoid a collision. in the name of our wondering why he had stopped. Then It had decided we would fly there in a dead By the two hundredth kilometre cause. The final 40km collectively agreed he had completely over straight line. Our team guide Matthias Knop we had filtered the effects down and was ahead, and time was reacted and must have stop to announce “le swiftly employed some crossed fingers and were substantially smoother, but there were rapidly disappearing to get to the tres dangeroux pothole”. The error was soon FRIDAY 20 JUN SPORT 47 realised and after a quick inner tube swap on the restaurant’s window. In short, we ate and collective apology to Tom the blushed like kings and queens to a three course steak peloton set off once again. dinner, followed by a rejuvenating shower, Newhaven Port came sooner than the beer and eventual sleep. But not before Pav pessimists had agonised. After a quick visit, “Glup” Dimitrijević announced that his photo and mars bar deposit from Vicki’s urine was so dark and gloopy from all the Uncle and Aunt we headed for the ferry, sugar we’d eaten it was like ‘banoffee pie and a midday nap. The five hour ferry energy gel’… gross. break was well received, along with the mass Sleep however was short lived, and an produced lunch box of copious egg mayo 8:00am start the next day had us out and sandwiches, quavers and kitkats for all. This peddling once more. For 100m, until Marcel was also when people found out their tour “South African Stallion” Admiraal noticed jersey nicknames with some classic racial something wrong with his back wheel. stereotyping naming the German Matthias Every spoke was loose enough to be used “Highly Efficient” and his partner Olivia as as a guitar string. Dan “Spare Tyre” Tyrie “Likes Highly Efficient Men”. and Ed “Salty Face” Hallett, our residential Day one was still not over, and once clear mechanics ummed erred and plunged of the ferry we quickly stripped off for the into the risky business of spoke tightening new warmer weather. With Billy “Big Wille” without the right equipment. Not something Palmer donning his new ‘king of the hill’ recommended if you don’t know what you’re boxer-shorts we began on the smoothest doing, but thankfully the wheel kept true roads of our lives. Correct me if I’ve got this and after some heavy creaking into place completely wrong, but the French converted Marcel’s bike was once again road worthy. an old railway line into a clear cycle path all This was where we saw the true beauty of the way from Dieppe to our B&B stop in the French countryside and the stunningly Forges les Eaux. It was built just before the straight and smooth roads. The undulating ICU TRIATHLON London 2012 Olympics in a plan to allow Roman roads towards Paris teased us into the French clear cycling to England. Love challenges of speed and endurance, helping large Rottweiler that had charged out barking a heroes’ welcome. But the journey wasn’t it! This was also where we found our new the group develop much better Peloton into the middle of the road, which narrowly over. Donning the tour jerseys and refuelling fervent love of trail mix; to the point where riding skills. We were riding at a stunning missed assaulting Pavle Dimitrijević. Fran with cake, we mounted up once more to Billy was engulfing handfuls and Ellie “Story average pace well over 40km/h when we Capel close behind was however not so lucky cycle to Paris and the Arc de Triomphe. Time Please” Howard resorted to rationing passed a particular yet unremarkable French and with MacAskill levels of skill managed Our entrance was less than traditional, and it to make sure it would last. farmhouse. The peloton leaders who rode to stay on her bike after being hit by the dog. saw us at the base of La Grande Arche de As the sun came down over the French past heard a loud and throaty bark to the Thankfully by the time the dog had got up La Defense. Our first view of the Arc de horizon we arrived at our B&B, Hotel St. right and thought nothing of it, until screams everyone was out of reach and it trotted back Triomphe brought cheers and we traversed Denis. We had all wondered what the food arose from behind. It is a sight never to be to its home. Excitement over. the adventure-park-style descent down steps would be like when we got there but literally forgotten seeing a group of 13 other cyclists Garmin glitch #003 – The French Off- and ramps weaving this way and that (feeling jumped for joy at the “Steak House” lettering weaving all over the road to avoid a brutally roader. Having handled the British off-road a little too much like a biker gang) before we felt headstrong and tackled the mud and braving the French traffic. A final hill climb rock path the Garmin had presented us, with brought us underneath our final destination. ICU TRIATHLON a challenge of a double rum shot for anyone Powering into the swirling traffic we began who got a puncture. During the entire our victory laps of the Arc de Triomphe journey’s many challenges our handling and finally unsaddled from our bikes for the skills were definitely refined and improved, last time. 288km down, and we had made and it was Billy Palmer who earned himself it. Only to have the Gendarmes (aka Fun that double shot. At the next rest stop we Police) tell us we were too loud and must folded a map out on the car front and tried leave ‘le monument historique’, to which our best to plan a better route, but the terrain Tom replied by accidentally popping a kept changing none the less. champagne bottle at them. No harm done. Garmin glitch #004 – The Red Bridge. Now to leave the whirling tornado of This was actually not so bad, and took us vehicular doom. Exagerating? Wait until over a gorgeous footbridge into a park full of you try and cycle it. Fran survived yet BBQs and Sunday holiday makers, but was another collision this time from a French still off-road and a few people were losing taxi, Sian “Unforgettable” Morgan decided patience. All credit to Mattheas, he did a the best approach was to exit radially with sterling job with what he had to work with! one foot clipped in and Tom had to cycle it Garmin glitch #005 – The Dual with a bottle of champagne! Thankfully, no Carriageway Flyover. Of all the glitches, one died. this one worried me the most because when Back at Tom’s and our cook, Fatima had you’re 100ft up on a fast traffic flyover with prepared a gorgeous Moroccan feast for us just a bike between your thighs and a little which we engulfed before the tone lowered helmet on your head there is an element of thanks to copious amounts of delicious “am I totally insane?” Thankfully we made French wine. The party continued into the it to the end without any accidents, then early morning hours with the fines circle we looked back and a group had stopped opening for all to unleash their frustration halfway. Panicking, because the only through the medium of rum and white wine, mechanics were now too far away to help, interesting French drinking games, thrusting we waited for Marcel to cycle over and give planks and teaching Mike that it’s not ok us a diagnosis. “Ellie has to go for a wee”. to sleep when the fines circle was still in At that moment I gave Ellie a telepathic operation. bitch-slap and began to fret even more. Despite everything we still managed Thankfully everyone got back ok, and the a tourist’s day of Paris, with some even true story of sudden vomiting made Ellie’s running around Paris (see below). We truly stop far more justified. But I was very glad proved ourselves in France. to get off that road. As individuals we will always remember The final leg towards Tom’s house had cycling to Paris and the challenges we faced, Tom “Fit French Fresher” Bartissol teach but also as a team we pushed and encouraged us all about why there were plastic bags each other through hard times; celebrated hanging from sticks at the side of the road: and laughed in great times; consolidated it is a sign that there were prostitutes in the and supported through the tears and shared woods waiting if you fancied a break. We sweat in warm embraces at the end of a hard did keep a keen eye out for the support car day. The first ever TriIC Easter Tour has back and Mike “Winky Face” Kaye parked been epic and I am in no doubt that in the up somewhere but it looks like he resisted future we will see more tours bring more the urge. beautiful people together under the triathlon Finally, with throbbing thighs and wind- club flag. burnt faces we arrived at Tom’s home to Bring on Summer Tour. Editor: Kunal Wagle

[email protected] SPORT

ENGLAND ICU TRIATHLON LUIS PELOTON DESPITE TO PARIS Triathlon’s Easter Tour ROO Report

ICU Triathlon

GOAL With great trepidation and supposition the brave fifteen prepared for a two day cycle to Paris; an Arch to Arc ride through Southern English countryside to promised celestial heights of French tarmac. In pensive preparation for the challenge ahead many members settled into a relaxing night of partying in central London, while others relaxed to an evening of car hunting and bag loading until the early hours of the night. And after a restful two hours of sleep it was time to depart for Marble Arch.

In great style everyone arrived precisely for the 4:00am meet; a semblance for times to come. The chilled darkness of Marble Arch endorsed a frosty air of great expectation.

Continued on Page 46

DANCE COMPANY GO TO

ICU DANCE COMPANY SCOTLAND

ICU DANCE COMPANY down to goal difference, of which Kunal Wagle England’s is currently worst. Sport Editor We took 7 dance teams to compete in four England looked comfortable before Luis different categories - ballet, tap, jazz and Late last night England’s chances Suarez was given a golden chance to take contemporary in advanced and beginners of qualifying for the next round the lead in the first half, which he duly took categories. We have never before entered so of the FIFA World Cup went from with a header. Shortly before this Wayne many categories/taken so many of our club optimistic to pretty slim. Their Rooney, playing in the centre today after members on tour before. This was a fantastic chances of qualifying for the swapping his role with Raheem Sterling, opportunity for our members to showcase next round now depend on Italy narrowly missed with a free kick before their dancing abilities to a large audience in a winning their remaining two games hitting the crossbar with a header. competitive environment. We competed against and Uruguay and Costa Rica and a total of 15 different universities from across England themselves beating Costa Continued on page 45 the UK and were successful in placing in 3 of the Rica. Even then the group will come categories.