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Everything you wanted to know about running an Eastercon, but were afraid to ask! Articles about all aspects of Albacon,the 3Ist Annual British Science - Fiction Convention. What went right, what went wrong, and why. Comments by the Committee on the running of the Convention, and what they'd do differently next : i time. PLUS a series of ' & articles explaining how to : organise such essentials as a Bookroom, Film Pro- gramme,etc. Copies are available now from Bob Shaw, c/o 200 Woodlands Road, Glasgow G3 6LN. The Albacon Report costs 50p; if you buy NCby post, then please include eee | REPORT

FAIRCON ‘82

PROGRAMME BOOK CONTENTS

Page 3 Contents and Credits 4 Introduction - Bob Shaw 5 Guest of Honour 6 The Day of the Scotch Computer a short story by Harry Harrison 8 Have We a Duty? - Naomi Mitchison 10 Harry Harrison Bibliography - Gordon Johnson 20 Membership Listing - Dowg McCalhim 22 The Black Wine of Thentis - Mick Lowe 33 McFaircon’s Rant a song by John Brunner 34 Love and Money- Jan Sorensen 35 Autographs

©Copyright Faircon °82. Published by Faircon ’82 c/o 2/L 244 West PrincesStreet, Kelvinbrid ge, Glasgow G4 9DP. Phototypesetand printed by Kall-Kwik, Albion Street, Glasgow GIILH. The day ofthe scotch conmputer Copyright 1982 by Harry Harrison; Faircon’s Rant © Top: John Brunner reading his Copyright 1982 by Brunner Fact and Fiction Lid. All other Copyright GOH speech at Faircon ‘81. reassigned to authors and artists on publication. Produced by Bob Shaw Middle: Marjorie Brunner(left) and Dave Hutton: all process work by Dave Hutton. and Jolin Brunner(right) judge Photos: P3 Topand Middle- Vincent John Docherty, bottom - Boh Shaw, the Fancy Dress Competition. P4Bob Shaw, PS Harry Harrison, P8 Naomi Mitchison. Bottom: The Real Bob Shaw in Artwork: Cover Mike Mollov/Bob Shaw, P6Jim Barker, PlO Thomas the act of delivering a serious Campbell, P22 Jin Barker, PIO Thomas Campbell, P22Jim Barker, P29 and scientific talk. Jim Barker, P30 Jimny Barker

FAIRCON '82 23-26 JULY 1982 ELIO (ASAIN) Welcometo Faircon! Now,put this magazine away, and don’t dare look at it until Faircon is over. Get out there and enjoy yourself -don’t sit reading pithy prothe! Good. Well, now that Faircon is over, | hope you enjoyed it. We’ve put a lot of thought into the weekend, and hope that you’ve had a goodtime. By | now you should know both our Guests well; just to refresh your Faircon- damagedbrain I'll recap. | Guest of Honour at Faircon ’82 is Harry Harrison. He comes from the USA, and is renowned both sides of the Atlantic as a writer and fan. Harry’s fan history stretches back more years then he’d care to admit - ask him when he first attended a World SF Convention and step back in wonder; ask him, too, about his career as a comicillustrator, and about why Reptilicus was the worst film ever made. Harryis a top-ranking professional, a fan from way back, and a nice guy. Harry Harrison’s wife Joan, will be at Faircon too; get to know her as well! Special Guest is Naomi Mitchison. She comes of a family of remarkable individuals, and is as well known as a mainstream writer as an authorof SF. She’s been around the world writing scene even longer than Harry Harrison, and is inall ways a most unusual person. The number of people who knowheris quite unbelievable - she seems to have been everywhere and done everything. We're very pleased to have two such outstanding guests at Faircon. Make them welcome, and convince them to come back next year - as Members! Inside the Programme Book you'll find a numberofarticles ranging from the serious to the funny. Harry Harrison, Naomi Mitchison, Gordon | Johnson, Nick Lowe, John Brunner, and Jan Sorensenall havetalesto tell or songs to sing; read, and enjoy. But not until after Faircon! BOB SHAW reve Powre ow te toh 5 cate He ww ee eeun 60% wets © ee Fer 29 Oe o Ait 8, Rt. ee be, Powe 0 Oe Poe Vier ose by ea" ae wom eed 9 2 ees ee ow ve ene 2 ROmrry otoawDAA ee ang WS BO Or bed od od TPMOPO oo 888 On OOD Wed OLY woe ot 2 0° vee * ww 0 oy 1P BPOwwwwOMMWwy 1009

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“Come in, Dr. MacGregor, comein!” the Prime Minister said heartily, teeth shining, her varnished hair glowing the watery light from the window. “!'m extremely pleased that you could see me on such short notice”. “I dropped everything, Madam when I got your message,” MacGregor said in dry academic tones, his smooth face as empty of expression as his voice. “How mayI be of assistance?”. “If you would be so kind, there is some information you could help me with. In strictest confidence of course. Just between old friends. We're alone here in Number Ten and the recordersare turned off. | would like to ask youa few simple questions about computers. About one computerin particular. That rather large one you workon in Glasgow.....” “SUPERSCOT.” “Yes, SUPERSCOT,that’s the one. The biggest and fastest in the world, I understand. Is that true?”. Dr. MacGregor nodded. “Aye, it might be describedin that manner.Butit would be aweebit more accurate to say that it has the largest memory banks and the fastest retrieval time, SCOTC coupled with VLSIC circuitry.” “Yes, of course. You took the wordsright out of my mouth. So let us say, just for the point of discussion, that if any computeris going to take COMPUTE

by Harry Harrison

over the world, why SUPERSCOTis the one that “No. It would take too long, be too cumbersome. could do it. Correct?.” After the program waswrittenit would have to be debugged, that is checked many different ways to “Incorrect.” makesure it would work.It might take a lifetime to The Prime Minister blinked rapidly. “Would you do that.” care to explain that?”. “Youre not being frank with me, Dr. MacGregor” “Of course. At the present state of computer The Prime Minister's voice was now cold, technology it is physically impossible for a decisive. “You’ve been watched. You are writing computer on its own to ‘take over the world’ as that program. Admitit.” you put it. Computers do not think - yet. They ” “Yes, I started to write that program..... must be programmed. That is, they must have software written for them.” “1 knew it! Guard!” “Software?” The door burst open anda General rushedin with a drawn Webley revolver in his hand. Dr. “Yes, Madam. To explain briefly, hardware is MacGregor was unruffled. whatis left when you turn a computer’s poweroff. All the physical equipment, the VDU’s, memory “I started to write that programme,” he admitted. banks, buttons, switches, all of it. Just acollection “Then I realized that if | were smart enough to of electronic parts. Then, when you turn the write a program and debugit, why it would be alot power back on, you put in programs that make easier to simply take over the world myself. There the hardware function. This is the ‘software’.> 99 would be no need to get involved with the computeratall.” “That seems reasonably clear. Do correct meif I’m wrong. Your computer, SUPERSCOT,has “Execute him!” the Prime Minister shouted the hardware to take over the world, but not the hoarsely. “Before it is too late.” software. And it can’t write its own software.” The General stepped forward, raised the revolver “Absolutely correct, Prime Minister.” carefully, aimed and squeezed thetrigger. A single shot rang out. “Then we are in agreement. Would youalso agree that if someone wrote a program to take over the The Prime Minister slumped forward, dead.

world, why then he could runit on that computer and take over the world?” Copyright ©1982 by Harry Harrison “Lambasically a story-teller, | like things to have a beginning, a middle and an end,all properlytied up. what interests me is how people react to new situations, as manyofus have had to do overthe last half century. Doing this entails the imaginative gymnastic of geiting into other people’s bodies and minds in these situations. Science fiction means one kind of newsituation and should showits effect on genuinely real men and women. The same goes for historicalfiction (or writing about people ofother cultures). Here it is essential to get social and historical facts of probabilities as minutely correct as possible. I have tried to do this in manybooks, not only on the ancient Mediterranean world, but on Africa or the West Highlands, and perhapsto lead the reader to thinking about these facts, about what they have done to us (or we to them) and the situations in which we mayyet be involved.” Naomi Mitchison

As a main-stream writer I find myself looking rather slant-wise on Science Fiction, having only written two S.F. novels out of some seventy others. Whatare all these S.F. guys (and dolls) actually onto? I have had a numberoffriends in the S.F. world, including H.G. Wells and Olaf Stapledon, the earliest of the serious writers. You notice that I have not counted, for instance, Jules Verne; but it seems to me that he doesn’t really count, because he was not thinking in moral terms. And here, I believe, we must stop and consider. Wells and Stapledon certainly saw themselves as teachers and warmers. They tolda goodstory of course, but that isa skill rather that a matter of morality. In the twenties and thirties they were deeply aware of the dangers of new scientific advances and new technology, much of it called into existence by World War One, and also of the dangers - at that time - of over confidence, at least in the mindsandlife styles of the growing middle class, to which they both HAVE belonged. That over-confidence took a knock from World War Two, whichina way they had foreshadowed. Prophets of course are not much heeded in any WE A culture, and someof the nastiest things they had thought of did not happen- not then. Confidence of aslightly different kind came back with the end DUTY ? of the war. We werealive after all. Then there camethe great changes: the welfare state, above

NAOMI MITCHISON

all the health service, and the great, sweeping were all very conscious of their moral and social liberations of the old colonial territories. But then duty towards the readers: towards - perhaps- things slowed down.So whatare the warners and themselves. Of course, noneof it is declaimed prophets up to now? from a pulpit not yet a newspaperfront page.It has to be thought out, made malleable, then put Let me put my ownpointof view on how SF. fits into a shape which becauseofits intrinsic interest into all this. We are in a bad patch. | think you will or beauty, will be taken in by the reader who will in all agree. Maybe I am writing before the badness turn transmute it into ideas. Perhaps even into has totally developed but I see it coming. Am I action. right in thinking that an element of prophecy or warning, a firm suggestion that a change of A magical process? But isn’t it what writing is outlook is necessary - or rather writing in sucha about, isn’t it the process that all ideas and all way that the change of outlook happens to the visualisations, all intricacies of plot and reader - and even that our usual pattern of characterisation must go through before they get morality does not work in certain situations, is to the final stage? So what is magic? Something something which ought to come into really one doesn’t understand because the wordsforit acceptable S.F.? Of course that is not the same as don’t exist. And the more you try to find and fix what pays or what publishes think they want. But the words, the more they slip away. Words are look at the difference (I’m taking anotherart form not agile enough. What it comestois the old, on purpose!) betweenfilmslike Star Wars which stupid phrase used by teachers, by lovers: you is simply Goodies (Us) and Baddies (Them), not know what I mean. at all a prophetic or shape-changing moral So here I leave you with one caution: moralities attitude, and on the other hand The Hitch Hiker’s change with humanity. The idea of God or of Guide to the Galaxy which has these wonderful Good changes with man’s history andall that, at moments of pure battiness which takes us out of his best, he hopes to be. Thereare a few in every our normal moral stance and give us the twist epoch who are little aheadof their time, as John a which starts something else: a re-adjustment, a Donne, for instance, was ahead of his time. We sharpening up, a tumble out of ourselves. science fiction writers ought, if we possibly can, to It is the same with S.F. One thinks of manyof the be even little bit further ahead of our own time. a older writers, Asimov, Aldiss, Hoyle, Clarke, who NAOMI MITCHISON 10

BIBLIOGRAPHY

GORDON JOHNSTON

This list of Harry’s work excludes, for reasons of space, his magazine articles, his poetry, and anthologies where he was joint editor. Thestarting point wastheexcellent Harry Harrison Bibliographia (1951-1965) by Francesco Biamonti, an excellent example of its kind with few errors (and noneofus is perfect in that way).

Only US and UK magazines are covered, and no attempt has been made to go beyond English language publications. The aim, as usual, is to help the reader locate any of Harry’s work which might otherwise be missed.

The layout should be clear. Under the book publication heading,the title is given, within brackets the surnameofthe editor, if an anthology; the letters (s.a.) same author indicates a collection of Harrison stories, as distinct from an anthology edited by him.

As Harry used pseudonymsattimes, it is shown under the publication details where the pseudonym was used. Why the pseudonyms? Don’t ask me - ask him!

Any further information which might add to this bibliography would be welcomedbythe compiler. Even Harry couldn’t be sure we've got everything! 12

HARRY HARRISON: Short stories and novels

TITLE MAGAZINE PUBLICATION BOOK PUBLICATION

According to his abilities Amazing, May 1964 Two tales and 8 tomorrows Great SF Mag..no.3, 1966 (s.a.) Ad astra Vertex, Aug., 1974 Best SF stories of the year: fourth annual coll. (Del Rey) Best SF stories of the year: 1974 (Del Rey) (Title change) All wheels, gears and cogs Visitors book (anon) Analien agony More Penguin SF (Aldiss) The Penguin SF omnibus (Aldiss) (a.k.a. “The streets of Ashkelon’”) American dead The year 2000 (s.a.) Arm ofthe law Fantastic Universe, Aug., 1958 War with the robots (s.a.) Science Fantasy, Oct., 1958 An Artist’s life Rocket Stories, Sep., 1953 (as: Felix Boyd, pseud.) At last, the true story of Science Fantasy, Sep., 1965 The best of Harry Harrison Frankenstein Bill the galactic hero New Worlds, Aug.-Oct., 1965 Gollancz, 1965 (see also: ‘The Starsloggers’) Doubleday (US), 1965 Penguin, 1969; Avon (US), 1975 Equinox (US), 1975 Brave newer world Four futures (Silverberg) The best of Harry Harrison Bythe falls IF, Jan., 1970 Nebula award stories -6 (Simak) New worlds of Fantasy 2 (Carr) The best of Harry Harrison SF: Author’s choice 3 (Harrison) The best from IF, vol.l (Eds of IF) California iceberg (Juvenile) Faber, 1975, Walker (US) 1975 Captain Bedlam Science Fiction Adventure, Twotales and eight tomorrows Dec., 1957 (US) (s.a.) New Worlds, March 1958 Captain Honario Harpplayer, R.N. F & SF March 1963 (US) Twotales and eight tomorrows(s.a.) F & SF July 1963 (UK) The best of Harry Harrison The best from F_ sf (13th series) (Davidson) A spectrumof worlds (Clareson) Captain Universe Putnam (US)1969 Berkley (US) 1969 Faber, 1970 SFBC, 1971 Sphere, 1972 A civil service servant Prime number(s.a.) (a.k.a. The fairly civil servant) Commando raid Prime number(s.a.) A criminal act ASF, Jan. 1967 The best of Harry Harrison Prime number(s.a.) CWACCstrikes again ASF, June, 1966 Analog 6 (Campbell) (as: Hank Dempsey) (as: Hank Dempsey) The Daleth effect Putnam (US) 1970 (a.k.a. In our hands, the stars) Berkley (US) 1970 The dayafter the end of the world After the fall (Sheckley) Dayof the scotch computer Faircon ’82 programme booklet Deathworld ASF Jan-Mar., 1960(US) Bantam (US) 1960 ASF, Apr-June, 1960(UK) Penguin, 1963 Sphere. 1973 The deathworld trilogy(s.a.) Deathworld 2 Bantam (US) 1964 (a.k.a. The ethical engineer) Sphere, 1973 The deathworld trilogy (s.a.) Deathworld 3 Dell. (US) 1968 (a.k.a. The horse barbarians) Faber, 1969 Sphere, 1973 The deathworld trilogy (s.a.) The defensive bomber Nova 3 (Harrison) (as: Hank Dempsey) A dip in the swimming-pool reactor see above Downto Earth Amazing, Nov., 1963 Prime number(s.a.) Most Thrilling SF Ever Told Summer1968 E=MC?or bust part 3 of Bill the Galactic Hero see above The ethical engineer ASF, July-Aug.. 1963 Gollanez, 1964 (a.k.a. Deathworld 2)

The ever branching tree Science against man (Cheetham) The best of Harry Harrison School & society through science fiction (Olander, Greenberg,etc.) The fairly civil service Galaxy, Dec., 1967 (a.k.a. A civil service servant) Famousfirst words F & SF, Jan., 1965 Prime number The final battle Prime number Final encounter Galaxy, Apr., 1964 Two Tales and 8 tomorrows The eighth Galaxy Reader(Pohl) Galactic Empires (Aldiss) The finest hunter in the world Prime number From fanaticism, or for reward ASF, March 1969 One step from Earth The best of Harry Harrison The ghoul squad ASF, June 1969 Four for the future (Harrison) Prime number The gods themselves throw incense Impulse, March 1966 Four for the future (Harrison)

The greatest car in the world NewWorlds, October 1966 Prime number The greening of the green Anticipations (Priest) Heavyduty ASF, May 1970 One step from Earth (as: Hank Dempsey) Homeworld Granada (Panther Books) 1980 (To The Stars trilogy - 1) Bantam (US) 1980 An honest day’s work New writings in SF (22) (Bulmer) The best of Harry Harrison Weekend Book of science fiction (anon) The horse barbarians ASF, Feb-April 1968 Dell (US) 1968 (a.k.a. Deathworld 3) Faber Howthe old world died Galaxy October 1964 The 9th Galaxy Reader (Pohl) I always do what Teddysays Ellery Queen’s Mystery Mag. Two tales and 8 tomorrows June 1965 The best of Harry Harrison The newimproved sun (Disch) The days after tomorrow(Santesson) Science Fact/Fiction (Farrell, Gage etc) 14

I have myvigil F & SF, February 1968 The best from F & SF: 18th Series (Ferman) The best of Harry Harrison Wondermakes 2 (Hoskins) T see you New Worlds, May 1959 War with the robots (a.k.a. Robot of Justice The best of New Worlds (Moorcock) If The best of Harry Harrison (a.k.a. Praiseworthy Saur) Prime number Worlds of wonder (Harrison) In ourhands, the stars ASF, Dec.1969- Feb.1970 Faber, 1970 (a.k.a. The Daleth Effect) Arrow 1975 Incident in the IND F & SF, March 1964 Prime number Venture Dec. 1965 (UK) Invasion: Earth Ace, (US) 1982 The Jupiter legacy Bantam (US) 1970 (a.k.a. The plague from space) Sphere 1972 The K-factor ASF. Dec.. 1960 (US) Rules of men (Santesson) ASF, April 1961 (UK) The life preservers ASF, April 1970 One step from Earth (as: Hank Dempsey) The best science fiction stories (anon) Make room! Make room! Impulse, Aug-October 1966 Doubleday (US)1966, Gregg (US)1979 Penguin Books, 1967 Berkley Books (US) 1978 A science fiction omnibus on pollution (anon) The man from P.1.G. ASF,July 1967 Avon (US) 1968 The men from P.I.G. & R.O.B.O.T. The man from R.O.B.O.T. ASF, July 1969 The men from P.I.G. & R.O.B.O.T. Manuscript found in a bottle F & SF, February 1964 washed up on the sands of time (Poem) The many dooms Galaxy, June 1964 (a.k.a. Unto my manifold dooms) A matter oftiming ASF, January 1965 (as: Hank Dempsey) The misplaced battleship ASF,April 1960 (US) The stainless steel rat (novel) ASF, August 1960 (UK)

Montezuma’s revenge Doubleday (US) 1972 Woodhill (US) 1975 Moon Sport Daily Mail Annual 1964 The mothballed spaceship The John W. Campbell memorial anthology(Harrison) Astounding: The J.W.C...... The best of Harry Harrison Science Fiction Special 15 (anon) Mute Milton Amazing Stories, February 1966 An ABC of SF (Boardman) The best of Harry Harrison Prime number Navy Day IF, January 1954 Nowar, or battle sound One step from Earth (a.k.a. Or battle’s sound) Combat SF (Dickson) Not me, not Amos Cabot! Science Fantasy, December 1964 SF horizons - | (Boardman) Prime number The best of Harry Harrison (US) edition only One step from Earth ASF, March 1970 Onestep from Earth (as: Hank Dempsey) Mars, we love you (Hipolito & McNelly) Open all doors Fantastic Universe, February 1958 Orbattle’s sound IF, October 1968 (a.k.a. No war, orbattle’s sound) The outcast Science Fantasy, March 1965 The pad Prime number The plague from space Science Fantasy, December 1965 - Doubleday, (US) 1965 (a.k.a. The Jupiter Legacy) February 1966 Gollancz 1966 Bantam (US) 1968 Sphere 1978 Plague ship Venture SF, November 1969

Queen Victoria’s revenge Doubleday (US) 1974 Severn House 1977 Sphere 1977 The Q.E.II is missing Futura 1980 Severn House 1981 Planet of no return Tor (US) 1982 Planet of the damned Bantum (US) 1962 (a.k.a. Sense of obligation) Futura (Orbit books) 1966 Pinnacle (US) 1981 Planet story(illustrated by Jim Burns) Pierrot, 1979, A & W Publishers (US) 1979 The pliable animal The Saint, September 1962 (UK) Two Tales & 8 tomorrows The Saint July 1965 (US) Portrait of the artist F & SF November 1964 Two tales & 8 tomorrows New dreamsthis morning (Blish) The best of Harry Harrison The powers of observatin ASF, September 1968 Analog 8 (Campbell) Prime number Praiseworthy saur IF, February 1969 (a.k.a. If) Pressure ASF, August 1969 One step from Earth Tomorrow’s Worlds (Silverberg) Rebel in time Granada 1983 Tor (US) 1983 The repairman Galaxy, February 1958 (US) War with the robots Galaxy No. 61 (undated)(U K) Rescue operation ASF, December 1964 Two tales & 8 tomorrows The best of Harry Harrison The unfriendly future (Boardman) Above the human landscape (McNelly & Stover) Stories from Science Fiction (Doherty) The Astounding Analog reader volume two (Harrison & Aldiss) Robot ofjustice Fantastic Universe, July 1959 (a.k.a. I see you) The robot who wanted to know Fantastic Universe, March War with the robots 1958, (as: Felix Boyd) The Fantastic Universe omnibus (Santesson) (as: Felix Boyd) The robots strike Fantastic Universe. January 1959 Rock diver Worlds Beyond, February 1951 Beyond the end of time (Pohl) Science Fiction inventions(Knight) Earth is the strangest planet (Silverberg) Rock pilot Blast off Roommates The ruins of Earth (Disch) The best of Harry Harrison Above the humanlandscape (MecNelly & Stover) Earth in transit (Schwartz) Run from thefire Epoch (Elmwood & Silverberg) Starstream 1976 Catastrophes 1981 The Secret of Stonehenge F & SF, June 1968 Prime number The ancient mysteries reader (Haining) 16

Sense ofobligation ASF,Sept.-November 196! (US) Bantam (US) (a.k.a. Planet of the damned) ASF, Jan-March, 1962 (UK) Dobson, 1967 Futura Simulated trainer War with the robots (a.k.a. Trainee for Mars) Skyfall Faber, 1976 Corgi, 1977 Atheneum, (US) 1977 Space rats of the C.C.C. Final Stage (Ferman & Malzberg) Antigrav (Strick) The best of Harry Harrison Spaceship medic (Juvenile) Faber, 1970 Doubleday (US) 1970 Puffin Books 1976 The stainless steel rat ASF, August 1957 (US) The stainless steel rat (novel) (short story) ASF, December 1957 (UK) Sciencefiction stories (Boardman) The stainless steel rat Pyramid Books (US) 1961 (novel) N.E.L. (4 Square Books) 1966 Walker (US) 1970 Berkley (US) 1971 Sphere 1973 Thestainless steel rat’s revenge Walker (US) 1970 Walker (US) 1970 (large type edn.) Faber, 1971 Berkley (US) 1973 Sphere 1974 The stainless steel rat Putnam (US) 1972 saves the world Berkley (US) 1973 Faber 1973 Sphere 1975 Thestainless steel rat wants you LA.S.F.A.M. M. Joseph 1978; Bantam (US) 1979 Sphere 1979 The stainless steel rat for President Sphere 1982 Bantam (US) 1982 Star smashers of the Glaxaxy Rangers Putnam (US) 1973 Faber 1974 Futura (Orbit Books) 1976 Berkley (US) 1974 The starloggers Galaxy, December 1974 (shortened version of ‘Bill the Galactic Hero’ Starworld (trilogy 3) Granada (Panther Books) 1981 Bantam (US) 1981

The streets of Ashkelon New Worlds, September 1962 Twotales & 8 tomorrows (a.k.a. An alien agony) Gods for tomorrow (Santasson) Dark stars (Silverberg) Seventh Pan Book of Horror Stories (Van Thal) The best of Harry Harrison The road to sf-3 (Gunn) The new awareness(Warrick & Greenberg) Science fiction novellas (Harrison & McNelly) The golden age of Science fiction (Amis)

Survival planet F & SF, August 1961 (US) War with the robots F & SF, December 1961 (UK) A tale of the ending ASF, June 1970 Onestep from Earth {as: Hank Dempsey) The technicolor time machine Doubleday (US) 1967 (novel, later dramatised for Berkley (US) 1968 BBCradio) Faber 1968 (a.k.a. The time machined saga) N.E.L. 1970 Futura (Orbit Books) 1976 Pinnacle, (US) 1981] They’re playing our son Fantastic Universe, December 1964 The time-machined saga ASF, March-May 1967 (a.k.a. The technicolor time machine) Toy shop ASF. April 1962 Prime number The 8th annual of the year’s best SF (Merril) Trainee for Mars Fantastic Universe, June 1958 Second orbit (Doherty) (a.k.a. Simulated trainer) NewWorlds, September 1958 A transatlantic tunnel, hurrah! ASF, April-June 1972 Faber 1972 (a.k.a. Tunnel through the deeps) N.E.L. 1976 Tor (US) 1981 Tunnel through the deeps Putnam (US) 1972 (a.k.a. A transatlantic tunnel, Berkley, (US) 1974 hurrah!) Unto my manifold dooms Two tales and 8 tomorrows (a.k.a. The many dooms) Into the future (Yglesias) The velvet glove Fantastic Universe November 1956 War with the robots The Saint, 1961 Fantastic Universe omnibus (Santesson) Crime preventionin the 30th century Souls in metal (Ashley) The voice of C.W.A.C.C. Impulse, December 1966 Waiting place Galaxy, June 1968 Onestep from Earth The best of Harry Harrison War with the robots Science Fiction Adventures War with the robots (short story) July 1962 Weate the whole thing The best of Harry Harrison UK editions only Wheelworld (trilogy 2) Granada (Panther Books) 1981 Bantam (US) 1981 The wicked flee New Dimensions (Silverberg) Best Science Fiction Stories of the Year (Del Rey) The Best Science Fiction Stores (anon) The best of Harry Harrison UK editions only Wife to the lord F & SF, June 1970 Onestep from Earth The best science fiction stories (anon) World in the balance Fantastic Universe, June 1957 The world Otalmi made Science Fiction Adventures Great SF Adventures (Shaw) June 1958 (US) October 1958 (UK) You men of violence Galaxy, April 1967 Prime number WITH GORDONR. DICKSON: Lifeboat (a.k.a. Lifeship) ASF, February-April 1975 Futura (Orbit Books) 1977 Dobson 1978 Lifeship (a.k.a. Lifeboat) Harper (US) 1976

Web of the Norns Science Fantasy, April 1958 (short version of Web of the Worlds) Web ofthe Worlds Fantasy Fiction, November 1953 WITH LEON E. STOVER: Stonehenge Scribner (US) 1972 Sphere 1974 Davies 1972 18

HARRY HARRISON - STORY COLLECTIONS

The Best of Harry Harrison Pocket Books (US) 1976 The Streets of Ashkelon; Captain Horatio Harpplayer, R.N.; Rescue Operation; At last, the true story of Frankenstein; I always do what Teddy says; Portrait of the artist; Not me, not Amos Cabot; Mute Milton; A criminal act: Waiting place; If; | have myvigil; From fanaticism, or for reward; By the falls, The ever-branching tree; Brave newer world; Roommates; The mothballed spaceship; An honest day’s work; Space rats of the C.C.C. (20) The best of Harry Harrison Sidgwick & Jackson, Contents as above, except 1976 (on book but did not appear deleted: Not me, not Amos Cabot! until 1977) added: The wicked flee; We ate the whole Futura (Orbit Books) 1976 thing(21) 1975 Deathworld 3 (3) SFBC (US) 1974 The men from P.ILG. & R.O.B.O.T. Faber 1974 The man from P.1.G. (Juvenile) Puffin Books 1978 The man from R.O.B.O.T. (2) Atheneum (US) 1978 One step from Earth Macmillan (US) 1970 One step from Earth: Pressure; No war; Macmillan (US) (pubk) 1971 or battle’s sound; Wife to the lord; Collier (US) 1971 Waiting place; The life preservers: Faber 1972 From fanticism, or for reward: Arrow 1975 Heavy duty; A tale of the ending (9) Prime number Berkley (US) 1970 Mute Milton; The greatest car in the Sphere 1975 world; The final battle; The powers of observation; The ghoul squad; Toy shop; You men of violence; The finest hunter in the world; Downto earth; Commando raid; Not me, not Amos Cabot! The secret of Stonehenge; Incident in the IND: IF; Contact man; The pad; A civil service servant; A criminal act; Famousfirst words (19) Twotales and 8 tomorrows Gollancz 1965 The streets of Ashkelon; Bantam (US) 1968 Portrait of the artist; Sphere 1976 Rescue operation; Captain Bedlam; Final encounter; Unto my manifold dooms; The pliable animal; Captain Horatio Harpplayer R.N.; According to his abilities; I always do what Teddysays(10) War with the robots Pyramid (US) 1962 Simulated trainer; The velvet glove; Dobson 1967 Arm of the law; The robot who wanted Panther 1976 to know; I see you; The repairman; Survival planet; War with the robots (8) HARRY HARRISON: ANTHOLOGIES(Single editor)

TITLE PUBLISHER NO. OF STORIES Astounding; The John W, Campbell Random House (US) 1973 Thirteen memorial anthology SFBC (US) 1974 Ballantine (US) 1974 Backdrop ofstars Dobson 1968 Thirteen (UK title ofSF: N.E.L. 1975 Author’s Choice) Blast off: Science fiction for boys Faber [969 Twelve Fourfor the future: an Macmillan (US) 1969 Eight anthology on the themes of Macdonald 1969 sacrifice and redemption Quartet, 1974 The John W. Campbell memorial Sidgwick & Jackson 1974 Thirteen anthology (UK title for Sphere 1975 “Astounding....”) Thelight fantastic: Scribner (US) 197 1 Thirteen science fiction classics from the mainstream Nova One Delacorte (US) 1970 Fifteen SFBC (US) 1970 Dell (US) 1971 Nova | Sphere 1975 Twelve Hale 1976 Nova 2 Walker (US) 1972 Fourteen SFBC (US)1972 Dell (US) 1974 Sphere 1975 Hale 1976 Nova 3 Walker (US) 1973 Thirteen Sphere 1975 Hale 1977 Nova 4 Walker (US) 1974 Twelve plus onearticle Manor (US) 1975 Sphere 1976 Hale 1977 The outdated man (Title change Dell (US) 1975 Thirteen from “Nova 3”) S.F. Authors’ choice Berkley (US) 1968 Thirteen SF: Author’s choice Berkley (US) 1970 Twelve SF: Author’s choice Putnam (US) 1971 Thirteen Berkley (US) 1973 SF: Author’s choice Putnam (US) 1974 Fifteen SFBC (US) 1974 Berkley (US) 1974 Worlds of wonder: 16 tales of Doubleday (US) 1969 Sixteen science fiction (Juvenile) The year 2000 Doubleday (US) 1970 Thirteen SFBC (US) 1970 Faber 1971 Berkley (US) 1972

HARRY HARRISON- NON-FICTION BOOKS

Great balls of fire: A history Pierrot 1977 of sex in SF illustration _ Mechanismo (machinery as Pierrot 1978 portrayed in SF Spacecraft in fact and Orbis 1979 fiction(with Malcolm Edwards) GORDON JOHNSTON

FAIRCON ‘82

MEMBERSHIP LUSTING DOUG McCALLUM

HARRY HARRISON (A) COLIN FINE (3) 37 HUGH WASCETTI (5) JOAN HARRISON (AD TIN ILLINGWORTH (5) LAURA WHEATLEY (3) NAOKT HITCHISON (A) Git CHRISTINA LAKE (A) KEN SLATER (A)

& ROY OSCAR DALGLIESH (S$)

Sw OO JOYCE SLATER (A) JOAN PATERSON (A) on ALLAN YOUNG (A) CAROLINE MULLEN (A) BRUCE SAVILLE (A) DUNCAN BOOTH (3) BILL KANE (A) DOUGLAS ACCALLUA 1A) DOCHERTY (A)

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bun KATHLEEN GLANCY (A) TAN SORENSEN (A) GOUGLAS GRAY (3) PAUL C. WILSON {Ad DAVE ELLIS (Ad PHIL PALWER (9)

RRR en STEVIE TURNRULL (A) FRANCES J NELSON (A) PETER WAREHAH <5) ALBERT PICKARD (A) HIKE MOLLOY (AD KEVIN HENWOOD (A) KATHLEEN PICKARD (A) LILIAN EQUARTS (A) TAN HUNTER (9) ORR CARLA SALVETA (A) CHRIS O° KANE (AD NEIL NCINNES (3) WULF CORBETT (A) ROBERT ATTCHISON (A) DAVID GRANT (5) SN —-SrvwOnN ANDY GRAHAH (A) WEIL CRAIG (A) RICHARD LATHAW (5) MADELEINE CAMPBELL (A) HENRY BALEN (Ad ELSIE YOGON DONALD (3S) KEN MANN (A) JUn BARKER iA) BRUCE HACDONALD (5) J. C. HUTCHESGN (A) TAIN HICKSON (A) MALCOLM NCARTHUR (Ad a TURNER (A) DAVE HUTTON (A) CAMERON STAPK (3) DOUGLAS POTTER (A) ELIZABETH HUTTON (A) COLIN BAIN (A) TINOTHY POTTER BOB JEWVETT 4A) ANJE STEWART (5) WM GRAHAM ANDERSON (S) DAVE ROWLEY (A) JOHN G. NALLHAN (A) ALASTAIR J MCDONALD (A) HELEN JOY HIBBERT (A) CHRIS DAVENPORT (35) KEITH MITCHELL (A) TIBS (3) PAUL R. DORHER (9) JOHN: ROY (5) KAY ALLAN (A) DAVE HONTROHERTE (5) IRENE ROY (8) TERRY HUNT (3) OUEN WHITEOAK (A) SIMON RUDYK (S$) RON BENNETT (A) JOHWATHAN COWIE (5)

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84 BARBARA RUDYK ¢S) 148 MORAG GILMGRE (A) 194 JEAN THOMPSOH (5) 85 JOHN WACKENZIE (A) RICKI TAYLOR 4A) 197 BRIAN WCWHINNIE ¢S) 86 J ARMSTRONG (S) DAVID R SHITH (A) 198 PAULA LUNOIE ¢S) 7 GRAHAM ACARTHUR (S) JOHN WILKES (A) 199 TON WCEKINLEY (A) 88 GORDON CUNNINGHAM (5) J ALAN CUNNINGHAH (A) 200 ALASTAIR ACLENNAN (A) 89 DEREK CUNNINGHAM (5) DAVIN CARLILE (Ad 291 WICHAEL AURBOCH (A) 99 ALEX G TAYLOR «S) DEREK CAMERON (A) 292 RNOUGLAS C MASON (A) LINDA WATT (A) JIN WHITE (A) 283 ROBERT GARDNER (A) 92 BEQUULF SHAEFFER (A) PEGGY WHITE (A) 284 NARK TONER (9) 93 GEORGE BARRIE (A) NICHAEL JOHNSTONE (8) WARK JONER’S FRIEND (S) 94 RUSSELL AITKEN (A) EAHONN PATTON (S) STEPHEN KEEWEY (A) 95 GORDON JOHNSON (5) KEITH EDHWOND (A) ANDREW GILMOUR (A) 96 KAY JOHNSON (5) JT GALLAGHER (A) JOYCE WAINS (A) 97 EWEN NAINS (A) JANES MCRORY ¢S) EVE HARVEY (A) JIN DARROCH (S) BILLY HUAPHRIES (S) JOHN HARVEY (A) 99 ALAN GORDON (S) BOR SHAW (A) ANN NEILSGN (A) 199 ANTHONY JOHNSTON (S$) SALIE SHAW (A) SANDIE STRONACH (A) 191 JONATHON COXHEAB (5S) 157 GINA BURGESS (A) JOHN L CALLENDER (A) 192 DAVID ELUORTHY (A) 158 JOHN MARIANI (A) GEORGE BARCLAY (S) 193 HAVE LERHIT (A) 159 TIN HEWSON (S) NARTIN GIfH iS) 194 NARTIN REED (S) 149 ALISTAIR CAMPBELL 7@S) JOHN EKLUND ¢A) 195 STEWART YOUNG (5) 161 PETER COYLE (A) NARY ANN EKLUND (A) DIANE MCCREATH (5S) 162 ALEX M BENZIE (A) GEORGE COUTTS A> 197 HELEN NCHABR (5) 163 MICHAEL WOLFF-JOHNSTONE (S) LIZ ALAM

22 WHEN YOUVEBEN007MUL LAY, SACCHIERNGWIZARDS,BUTLHRINE BARBARIANS: RACING THEODD VMECel ORTHRE... THERES NOTHINGLIKECOMINGHOME 70 THERICH, RAGED, FLAYOUR- LOKD TALE OF...

This is going to be a serious critical discussion. Despite repeated plungesinto the ludicrous,it has a serious premise and serious conclusions,andit's only the stages between that are completely preposterous. Among the burning questions | propose to resolve are what makes people addictedto sf, why they go offit in their twenties or thereabouts, why British sf is so muchbetter than American sf, why science fiction is such a revolutionary development in the genesis of culture; and, quite incidentally, what is the real secret of the Lensman’s powers, and whatis the ultimate question of life, the universe, and everything. How is this possible? The answer lies with a humble everyday commodity freely available over the counter, without prescription, at your local hypermarket. Its nature will become apparent shortly; for tactical reasons, I'd prefer to leave the main themeofthis article, and my enigmatictitle, unexplained for a page or two, and allow awareness to dawn gently and gradually. Sufficient for now to boastthe discovery ofthe ultimate key to sf criticism, the formula thatatlast will enable you to distinguish shitty sf without having to read it! (Readers unable to contain their excitement may turn at onceto section II.). The general shape of my argumentis that of the classic mind-expanding sf plot, a pattern observed in a great many epics including Star Wars, The Lord of the Rings, andin fact any story in whichyou start with a snotty little shepherd-boy minding his thoats on a scrubby island in a bog on somegod-forsakenplanetin a particularly insignificant backwater of the Lesser Magellanic Cloud, whoby the end of the bookis Emperorofa Billion Universes.I'd like to lead you on a voyage of discovery that starts with a tiny, The black wine of Thentis NICK LOWE

apparently trivial and insignificant detail, and then rate stories, and then you have akind of anthology little bylittle exploresits ramifications outto infinity that the readerswill continue to buy. There are two in all directions, until we arrive together at total ways you can do this. Either you can fill your understanding of the universe and its contents. anthologies with new stories, which could be newly commissioned writing or could be a year’s-best I'd like to start by examining an intriguing trend in selection; or you cantry and finda waytosell those sf publishing and criticism that | don’t believe has existing stories that are notfirst-rate. received much comment. One of the great traditions of sf publishing is the anthology, which Well, both of these trends got going in the very served as the original medium through which early days of sf book publishing, but only escalated science fiction made the transition from pulp beyond all proportion in the 1970's. The great magazines to hardcover books, and thereby from pioneerof the sf anthology was the unforgettably- trivial sub-literature to respectable reading matter. named Groff Conklin, who edited mostof the best The sf anthology is a marvellousinstitution, and I collections from the mid-forties to the mid-sixties, think goes some way towards explaining how and the Conklin anthologies are still a superb young people get hookedinto the genrein thefirst introduction. to the sf of the period. But it’s place. The really classic sf stories are so widely interesting to observe the changein his style of anthologised that they nevergo outof print; so that anthologising over the course of his career.All the no matter when youstart reading sf you can be early collections have titles: like The Best of sure of reading most of the cream of the genre's Science Fiction, A Treasury of Science Fiction, short fiction within your first year. It’s surely The Big Book of Science Fiction, and so forth. But becauseofthis that sf fans tend to read fewer and when you get on to the anthologies published in fewer anthologies as they get older - it’s not thefifties, you witness the emergenceof anewruse necessarily that the novels are moresatisfying, but in sf publishing, as Conklin lights upon a way of that as time goes by you encounter fewer and fewer selling collections of stories that aren’t necessarily really wizzo stories you've never seen before. the best, or at least have a different sort of publishing hook from that of mere excellence. Butall this only really applies to one particular kind Sometitles from this period: Invaders of the Earth, of sf anthology, the Ten Extremely Good SF Science Fiction Thinking Machines, Great Stories typeofcollection. The trouble with this sort Science Fiction about Doctors, and the marvell- of anthologyis precisely that I've just described: ously cackhanded Science Fiction Adventures in after a while your average sf reader will stop buying Mutation. this sort of collection because he’s read all the Notice the change? These were the first of that stories. The numberof extremely goodsf stories, extraordinary, because almost entirely pointless, after all, while large is assuredly finite. What you breed of book, the science fiction theme really want, from the publisher's point of view, isa anthology. I can't imagine anyone being so strategy that will generate anthologies without interested in stories about mutants as to want to limiting the selection to that narrow pool offirst- buy whole booksfull of the wretched things; and | 24 think you have to account for the enormous can't think of any, déspite the fact that current proliferation of theme anthologiesin the seventies, scientific speculation in these fields is far more undereditors like Elwood, Silverberg, Olander and extravagant and exciting than in political science or Greenberg, as a simple publishing gimmickto give anthropology. And I can only suggest that the the collections some coherence and individuality. reason is that science fiction can’t really compete There may, of course, be odd cases where a with professional scientists in a field that values particular reader has a particular interest in one wide-ranging, imaginative speculation within the particular sf theme for personal or professional discipline. reasons, but that’s a pretty slenderjustification for Whatsf has to contribute, to my mind,is not having a mass-market paperback. You can't sell a book the ideas so much as dramatising them in like Great SF about Doctorsif the only people who scenario form, and getting you to develop an are going to buyit are sf-reading doctors. Look appreciation of current ideas in (say) sociology by through your shelves, and count how many of your theme anthologies you boughtoutof an interestin involving you emotionally with characters on whom those ideas have an immediate and the theme, rather than because you looked through the contents and found enoughinterest- shocking impact. As an intellectual exploration of the theme of a hermaphrodite society, The Left ing-looking stories to warrant buying the lot. Hand of Darkness is hopelessly outclassed by Obviously this is a problem, and in the USA in the Theodore Sturgeon’s earlier and consistently early seventies an ingenious newjustification for underrated Venus Plus X. But who would dare to theme anthologies began to emerge:that science suggest that Le Guin’ s is anything butthe definitive fiction stories could be used as teaching aids, that treatment of the theme? Thereason,surely,is that the speculative ideas offered in sf could be where Sturgeon argues, Le Guin evokes. genuinely educational. The first theme anthology Sturgeon’s novel is explicit, articulate, polemical, to advance this daring proposal was Stover and seeking to persuade by thoughtratherthanfeeling; Harrison’s Apeman, Spaceman of 1968, but the Le Guin wins the reader over to her ideas by editors who gave it most prolific exploitation were making the world and the characters seductive, the academic team of Joseph Olander and Harry and the reader's involvement principally is an Greenberg, sometimes with specialised collabo- emotional one. For all that sfs vaunted as a rators. Their early collections had ‘titles like literature of ideas, | don’t find, in my ownreading, Sociology, or Anthropology, or Introductory that the quality of the ideas, the speculation, is Psychology, or American Government, or what- nearly as important as getting the reader to feel ever, through ScienceFiction, though the subjects things. got progressively less academic and more blatantly commercial as the enterprise grew more This is why | feel theme criticism is so profitable. And during the sameperiod youfind sf misconceived, and theme anthologies so desper- criticism taking an interest in Themesof Relevance ately boring. TheinterestI find in looking through and whatsf had to say about them,beginning with the themeentries in the SF Encyclopediais for the bookslike Brian Ash's Faces of the Future and ideas that haven't beentried, the very limitations culminating in the ambitious theme entries in the imposed on speculation by the nature of the sf SF Encyclopedia. medium. It's possible to paint a pretty convincing picture of anything up to, say, fifty years in the The trouble is, | feel, that the usefulness of sf future by extrapolation from what is currently criticism by theme is seriously misconceived. | known; anything beyondthat, and there seems an don’t dispute that reading sciencefiction can be extraordinary dearth of really imaginative and instructive and enlightening, butI'd like to suggest convincing ideas on what the world, orthe galaxy, that the power andoriginality of the speculation is is actually going to look like. What the sf theme- pretty well irrelevant to this function. You see, my chasers seem to have overlookedis thatfollowing own feeling is that sf isn’t really all that good at a themethroughtells you much more about the speculation on themes that concern the real, genre than about the subject. In the social scientific world, not in the sense that you'll learn sciences, in particular, sf extrapolationis pitifully something about sociology by reading the weak, with all these prepoterous galactic empires complete works of Mack Reynolds. It's surely and neo-feudal societies dotting the universe signficant that theme anthologies on the soft simply because writers can’t seem to imagine a sciences far outnumberthosethat claim. to teach social setup radically alien to anything in human physics, say, or biochemistry. Unless you count history. Looking through, for example, the SF collections about black holes and gas giants, | Encyclopedia entry on “Anthropology” won'ttell you buggerall about anthropology,at least not asit It was extremely strong, and bitter, butit is studied in today’s universities; whatit will tell you, was hot, and, unmistakeably, it was mostinstructively, is about the way sf writers think, coffee. the kind of ideas they've favoured over the A profound moment. On a savage world two decades,andalso the kind of imaginative leap that hundred million miles from Earth, where men are seems beyond them. men and women are big-breasted voluntary Right. We are now readyto getsilly.It follows from doormatsubstitutes, Mr. Norman has managed to get his hero a cup ofcoffee. the above argumentthatthe chief value of looking at particular themes in sf is to understand the Nothing flowsso strong ina writer's veins as coffee. genrerather than the theme. There is consequent- It is his elixir; it is the life-blood of his muse. The ly no pressing reason why we should restrict our contribution madeto the evolution of sf as a major studies to themesof social or scientific import- force in 20th-century literature by such as ance,or to those which constitute the overt subject Gernsback or Campbell surely pales into insignifi- of stories. In fact, there’s a lot more to be gleaned cance besidethe contribution made by Nestlé Ltd. about howsf works from looking at the themesthe If there wasn't any coffee, there probably wouldn't authors don’t give much thought to, and which be any sf. Let's faceit; if your life revolves around makefrequent but purely incidental appearances sitting at a typewriter from 9 to 5 hacking out in sciencefiction. wordageat n cents a line, what is going to be the themethat is ever at the forefront of your mind? What| should like to do nowis to take look at one The effect of corporate growth on the individual of the sf's most popularand,I feel, most significant consumer in the year 2020? philosphical and themes; one which, despite its ubiquity, has ethical implications of recombinant-DNA re- received no critical attentionatall until now. Regard search? the psychology and politics of artificial it, if you like, as first notes towards the forerunnerof intelligence? Nota bitoft. It's “Christ, 1 could usea a new wave of theme anthologies, thefirst to be cup ofcoffee...” truly relevant to the understanding of sf today. | don’t say all sf authors dependfortheir inspiration Il wholly orpartly on chemical stimulation; obviously Consider the following passage (slightly cond- not. Even those that do have other recourses than ensed) from John Norman's Assassin of Gor. caffeine; I’ve heard Edmund Cooper explain how Assassin wasthefifth Gor novel, andthefirst of the whenhis creativity is burning white-hot he can get really bad ones. It seemsincredible now that the through a gin-and-tonic every fifteen minutes. But Gor series could ever have been quite good, but coffee is the drug that’s most socially sanctioned when | was at school| really lapped them up,and | and acceptable, particularly in America, and that’s can distinctly remember the momentin volume whyI've chosen to explore it as one of sfs great five whenthe great nosedive into awfulness began. unstated obsessions. Hereit is: You see, disillusioning as all this may be to Elizabeth lifted her head, sniffing. I did someone with a romantic notion of sf authors as so, too, scarcely believing my nose. She godlike disembodiedintelligences creating Art out looked at me, and | looked at her. of pure Form,it’s only actually embarrassing when A girl slave in a white tunic and white it starts to creepinto the text. Picture,if you will, well- collar, barefoot, came to the table, and known sword-and-sorcery series writer Joe Normal knelt before it. blearily hunched over his word processor “Whatis that I smell?”, ] asked. wondering what the bloody hell to have happen “Black wine,” said she, “from the next. He reaches gloomily for his coffee-cup,lifts it mountains of Thentis.” partwayto his lips; stops shorts; stares at it, with a “Bring two bowls,”I said. new fire of inspiration in his gaze! Greedily he In short order two bowls, steam curling drains the cup and dashesit back on the saucer, out of them,were brought and placed on then begins to type as though possessed. Two the table. hundred wordsflow from his pregnant brain; then, I sat there staring down at them, and sweating, he pauses, readsit back. Marvellous. His Elizabeth did, too. Then I picked up one hero is now stokedupwith strong black coffee, and of the thick, heavy clay bowls. Since no can keep going for pages more...Ah. We need to one waslooking, we knocked the bowls explain whatthat cup of coffee was doing there in together gently, and put them to our the first place. Not to worry; bluff like mad, and lips. hope the reader doesn't notice... 26

We nowreturn to Mr. John Norman, who naturally western capitalism in its present form, reached the bears no resemblance to the character just ultimate stage in the developmentofcivilisation. described, at the point where weleft him a moment Oddly enough,there is a substantial and widely- back: read bodyofsf writing which takes that assumption “Actually,” I said to Elizabeth, “this is moreorless for granted. I'll have moreto say about very rare. Thentis does not trade the that shortly. beans for black wine. | have heard of a The maintroubleis, as | suggestedearlier, thatit’s cup of black winein Ar, someyears ago, extremely difficult to serve up a_ speculative selling for a silver eighty-piece. Even in scenario further away than aboutfifty years in Thentis black wine is used commonly Earth’s future thatwill convince areaderof any real only in High Caste homes.” sophistication that that’s whatit mightreally belike. “Perhapsit is from Earth?” she asked. And when you go sofarasto posit that, by the time (Spot the feed line.) your story's set, mankind has developed an “Originally, doubtless, beans were interplanetary or interstellar civilisation, the idea brought from Earth,” I said, “much as that they'll all be still sitting around cafe tables certain other seeds, andsilk worms and sipping Lyons Brazilian Blend is daft enough to such.” make your brain pop out of your head and fly around the room bumping into things and | should explain that last, rather mystifying dribbling. reference. Mr. Norman earlier on in the series Let's examine a very specific case that actually rashly indulged his ownfetishistic imagination by namesthestrain of coffee. | think this is the only dressing all his womenupin diaphanoussilks; the example I’ve got here of coffee madness in an waitress in the above passage wears white silk, author who could reasonably be called good; it’s indicating she is a virgin, as appropriate to the from Theodore Sturgeon’s famous Dangerous solemnity of her role in the scene. But having once Visions story “If All Men were Brothers, Would you saturated his alien world with silks, he found Let One Marry your Sister?”. The herois intrigued himself having to explain how they came to be by a numberofindividually small but cumulatively there. suggestive clues that seem to indicate a cover-up | think what's so essentially ludicrous about this of cosmic proportions: and manyother coffee scenes in sciencefiction (lots more below)is its marvellous plummet into I guess I could have forgotten that too bathos and incongruity. Whatis the real likelihood, butfor the coffee beans. Blue Mountain after all, of there being coffee on other worlds, or Coffee, it was called: the label claimedit thousandsof years in the future? You could make descendedin an unbrokenline from Old out a plausible enough casefor alcohol, because Earth, on an island called Jamaica....1 its already got several thousand years’ pedigree liked it better than any coffee | ever behind it and shows no sign of going away; and tasted but when I went back for more alcoholic beverages depend upon one simple they were sold out.I got the managerto chemical constituent which occursfreely in nature look in the records and traced it back and is easy to distil. But coffee has only been through the Teratu wholesaler to the knownin the west for about 250 years;it’s a whole brokerand then to the importer -I mean! plant, not a single chemical, and the plant is really liked that coffee! notoriouslydifficult to grow, requiring very special climatic conditions, and even worse to try and Well, the coffee in question, as you no doubt transplant over long distanceslike a few hundred remember, comes from shunned Vexvelt, the miles, let alone a billion light-years. Moreover, the utopian planet whose paradisical blessings all main institutions through which you'll find coffee emanate from thefact that there is no incest taboo. served upin tales of distant worlds and times are It's not the least flaw in the story's reasoning that the coffee break and the coffee bar, which aren't Sturgeon nowhere explains how sucking and exactly what you could call universal constants of fucking your nearest and dearestwill enable you to human civilisation. On the contrary; theyre grow Blue Mountain Coffee, but that’s notreally the particular excrescences of Americain the twentieth pointI'm interested in here.I'd just like to spend a century, and to extrapolate coffee bars and coffee few lines lookingatthe implications of this passage breaks into the future and the universe atlarge is to for the imageof the future Sturgeonis presenting. make the implicit statement that mankind has,in First of all, Blue Mountain Coffee is not a single 21 strain or a single quality-grade of coffee - there’s no | hope this beginsto illustrate my point about the equivalent in the world coffee market to an difficulty of extrapolation beyond the nearfuture. appellation controllee. Strictly speaking, the name Every little detail of food, drink, clothing, manners, only applies to a generalarea in Jamaica (the Blue society andculture, as well as simply of technology, Mountains), which has its great coffees and its is an implicit statementof the way you think human occasional bummerslike everywhere else. The history's going to go. The further forward you look, legendary Blue Mountain coffee, the one thatreally the more such details you have to think aboutif is better than anything else in the universe, comes you're going to get readers to acquiesce in your from one smallish plantation in that Blue Mountain fantasy. From this point of view, giving your hero a district. It's called the Wallensford Estate, it thermos of steaming coffee says considerably produces a mereeighty tons of coffee a year, and more about the universe than, say, giving him a almostall of its shipment goes to Japan. | very warp drive. : much doubt whether Mr. Sturgeon has ever tasted Let's look at another example. Remember the it, and I certainly haven’t. What you buy in your local scene in The Mote in God’s Eye where the humans coffee shop under the name Blue Mountain could are treating the aliens to a coffee-tasting party and be almost anything. If it says “pure Blue Mountain”, mysterious things start happening to the percola- it is shipped through Langford Brothers of London, tor? Now,| admit that if the characterstic Pournelle and costs about twice whatothercoffees go for,it’s military ethos, so excruciatingly clean-cut and all- a rather goodif overpriced blend of coffees froma American, can representas it doesin this novel the number of small family plantations in the apogee ofcivilisation, then almost anything can Jamaican Blue Mountains. Otherwise, you'll be seem credible, and be overlooked. But just think a lucky if it has any Blue Mountain coffeein it at all; minute about these percolators. You know how a it's most probably a rather ordinary coffee grown coffee percolator works: boilingwater is forced by elsewhereontheisland, and quitelikely (especially steam pressure up a tube in the middle of the if it’s called “Blue Mountain Blend” or somesuch) assembly,and then it soaks back down through a eked out with someforeign muck from god knows basket of coffee grounds, and the cycle is repeated where. In North America “Blue Mountain” usually under thermostat contro]. But, in spite of the means a blend of Jamaican and West Indian continuing popularity of the perk, particularly with coffees, no more.Sofirst of all Sturgeon is asking elder relatives at weddings, it’s one of the worst us to believe that the name Blue Mountain will ways to treat your coffee you could find. Percolated mean something by the time man is reaching out coffee has been boiled and reboiled dozens of to the stars. times over; and unlike tea, coffee owes mostof the subtlety ofits flavour to some extremely volatile oils Okay. Now consider how you get the stuff to that vapourise on boiling. That’s why, unlike tea, Vexvelt. You can’t generally grow coffee plants you shouldn't make coffee with boiling water, and from beans (as John Norman seemed to suggest) why percolated coffee comes out as a kind of unless they're very fresh (like straight off the tree) stewed yuk ranging from the indeterminate to the and you plant an awful lot of them to makesure. undrinkable. Now,| ask you,is it really conceivable Onthe other hand,the trees themselves aren't very that a galactic civilisation so advancedas to include hardy in anything but perfectly tropical conditions, an entire planet of Scots would have evolved no and you'd have to be pretty jammyto get a plant or superior coffee-brewing hardware with which to a cutting to survive a long space voyage. When you showcase the coffees of Old Earth to an alien finally get to Vexvelt, you'll need to find soil, altitude, species than the percolator? | honestly don’t and climate exactly equivalent to those of the Blue believe you could even tell apart the various Mountains, or else however noble yourstrain of gourmet coffees listed in the test (including the tree it won't taste like Jamaican. Finally, a vitally ubiquitous Blue Mountain) in percolated form. important factor in what makes any particular coffee taste its distinctive taste is the way it’s These people just don't think. | can imagine Niven harvested. For something as high-grade as and Pournelle sitting round thrashing outtheplot, Jamaican Blue Mountain this is a very labour- and wondering what to do for this scene, and then intensive process, and could hardly be managed their eyes meet over the percolator...... ] think, in without a large workforce of uncomplaining fact, that Niven and Pournelle between them must humanbeings. Perhaps Sturgeon would have us be responsible for the highest rate of caffeine credit that people wouldn't mind working on coffee intake per galactic caput than anyothersf writers. A plantations so muchif they could look forward to couple of weeks before | first wrote this, as a knocking off their sister when they get home. controlled experiment, | took down from friend’s 28 bookshelf Jerry Pournelle’s Future History, a book into him in waves. His Lens flamed into about which I knew nothing previously and which| its normal splendor... had never so much as opened. Noting the (For the Lens as phallus see any number grandiosetitle, which in effect declares that this is of as yet unwritten psychoanalytical the way Pournelle sees the humanrace developing, exposés.). | asked an assistant to start timing, opened the book, and started to leaf through. | found the first sieveHe stretched prodigiously; inhaled reference to coffee within thirty seconds. There’s a gratefully a few deep breaths. He was QX, lot of it drunk in Niven, too; it’s freely available in the Known Space tableau of the future, for example. QxX being superintelligent slang for OK, of course. | don't believe it's any accident that high coffee Thralian coffee is presumably like Blue Mountain, only moreso;onthis kind of mindlesssubstitution, consumption correlates well with a particular school of sf writing that comprises a numberof more anon. But notice how Kinnison takes his writers | rather dislike, such as Niven and Pournelle, coffee like a man: “viciously, almost corrosively strong”. A lesser human would no doubt be Poul Anderson, Gordon Dickson, and of course Robert Heinlein - what might be thought of as the reduced to a quiveringjelly, but Kim Kinnisonis so Analog Military Academy, being a confraternity of completely all-American that he takes coffee like right-wing American authors with an enthusiasm the magic bullet wonder drug we'd all like it to be. for technological expansion, economic opport- He must have a bladderofsteel, that’s all | can say. unism, and a somewhatnaive view of mankind’s Comparethe diet of Oscar Gordonin Glory Road, prospects in the universe at large. Coffeeis, after prepared him byhisliberated Amazonlady-friend: all, a terrifically all-American drug; it peps you up in “Breakfastlater,” she said. “Just a cup a fashion that is both clean (you have to ship an of coffee for you now- too hot and too awfullot of caffeine, plus not go to the bathroom, black. Best you be bad-tempered.” before it does you any harm)and socially stigma- Sticking with Smith, we find the medicinal free, to give you that extra edge to push harder and properties of coffee even more prominent in The compete better. It's an inseparable ingredient of Galaxy Primes,in which characters aren't allowed capitalist living, in fact, and naturally you tend to out of their cabins in the morning andintothe story encounterit in especially right-wing-Americanised until they've downed a pot of coffee. I'm not futures, often (curiously enough) in conjunction kidding: five out of eight chapters open witha direct with brandy. You flip through The Avatars - | or implicit act of coffee-drinking. A couple of certainly don't recommendyoutry and read it- and examples: watch what Dan Brodersendrinks; it’s brandy and Next morning, Galock wasthelast coffee, coffee and brandy, brandy, coffee, and one, by a fraction of a minute, into morebrandy,plus a greatdeal ofbluff, smelly pipe- the Main. “Good morning,” wasall smokingbesides. By contrast, can you think of any he said, with a slight smile. British sf story giving comparable prominence to “Huh? How come?” James tea, except in a deliberately comical way? demanded, as all four started Let meillustrate what | mean with a glance at the toward the dining nook. drinking habits of that most blond and Nordic ofall Garlock’s smile widened. “Lola. Aryan supermen, Kimball Kinnison - described in She brought mea potof coffee and the blurb to Second Stage Lensmen, from which wouldn’t let me outtill I drank it.” this quote is taken, as “Number One manofhis time’. This is how Kinnison recovers from the near- Or again, at a more intense juncture of the novel's total nervous collapse following his narrow defeat subtle interplay of character: of a rogue Arisian brain: Next morning, early, Belle tapped lightly The Lensman made his way to the on Garlock’s door. galley. He could walk without staggering “Comein.” already - fine! There he fried himself a She did so. “Have you had your coffee?”. big, thick, rare steak - his never-failing “Yes.” remedyforall the ills to which flesh is “So have I.” heir- and breweda potof Thralian coffee; NeitherBelle nor Garlock had recovered; makingit viciously, almost corrosively both faces showedstrain and drain. strong. And as he ate and drank his head “| think we’d better break this up,” she cleared magically. Strength flowed back said quietly. As you see, for many characters the cup that Onro retrieved it but cracked his head refreshes is an emotional need. Here’s another smartly on the corner of the cupboard sobering document of the problem of caffeine door he hadleft open.....He guiped the addiction in the year 3000; it's from Anne now steaming hot coffee. Even as he McCaffrey's The Ship who Sangin which Helva the swallowed,the springs in his taut frame spaceship with a heart of gold is having a trying began to unwind. time with yet another mismatched humanpartner. “Creatures of habit, aren’t we, XH? I’ve been dreaming of coffee for 18 mortal days andnights.” Poor Onro. You cantell he’s not going to be the one with whomHelvaattains the bliss of perfect union; he can’t evenfind his way around her body without bumping into things. Notice how,in the Smith and McCaffrey examples, we aren't offered any explanation of why coffee is still a staple in the remote future; it’s just assumed thingswill proceed pretty much as now,exceptthat the coffee comes from a planet called Thralia instead of an island called Jamaica. Sometimes an author will try to sugar the unlikely brew with a different name, even though the drink’s recognis- ably just coffee, and ina mysterious passage from Andre Norton's Lord of Thunder we're eventold as much: He went to the heating unit, measured out a portion of powdered ‘swankee”, the coffee of the Arzor ranges, and dialled the pot to three-minute service. | supposeit’s labouring the obvious to point out One wonders what the difference is between that The Ship who Sang is a sweet, tasteful, swankee and any other coffee, as it’s described blissfully platonic essay on the female orgasm;in later as “ a slightly bitter but refreshing brew”. which womanis a frustrated vessel, manis the pilot Of course, as I was suggesting earlier, coffee isn’t she needs to mount her andride her to the stars, just a hotdrink,it’s a whole socialinteraction space. andit’s only whenafter many disappointments she Can onetransfer the experience of a cup of coffee finds at last the perfect partner that she gives lock, stock, andfilter jug (to blenda metaphor)into triumphantvoiceto the rapture of passionate song the future? Afterall, there surely won't be people that wells Julie-Andrews-like within her. At any rate, reducedto waiting tables inthe metonymouscafés here’s one of the less-than-perfect partners in the ofthe leisured interstellar age, so who can possibly throes of his addiction: serve up these metonymouscups of Java? Ah, but “Have you any honest-to-God coffee?” you reckon without the miracle scienceof robotics: he grated out, swivelling the chair to He turnedto the robowaiter and ordered launch himself from it to the galley. coffee for both of us, to keep us “Be my guest,” murmured Helva, occupied until the others arrived. It unprepared for such vigourafter several would be fresh-brewed, of course. days on Theeda. Sanders didn’t tolerate instans or Onro’s shoulder took a bruising as he synthetics on his planet...... The coffee careered off the threshold of the galley, arrived then, two big steaming mugs wrenched open the cupboards, knock- accompanied by a pitcher of thick ing containers about. cream. It was very strong, and very hot, “Coffee may still be in its accustomed andvery good. After weeks of spaceship place onthethird shelf of the righthand synthetic, it was an awakening. locker,” Helva remarked dryly. “Excuse | can’t tell whether that last phrase is meant as a me; a container just rolled on to the joke or not; not being an enthusiast of George R.R. floor.” Martin’s clodhopping attempts to write good prose, 30

I'm inclined to think it's unintentional. The lll robowaiters are on the first page of the Song for Lya collection, in the story “With Morning Comes Consider, after all, why it is that people enjoy Mistfall”. [know somepeopleratherlike that story, sciencefiction at all, why they get hooked, and why but for me it was doomed,even apart from that they inevitably becomedissatisfied with it later in insufferably wet and Martinish title, from that first life (without, | hope, giving it up altogether). This page. Apart from the fact that the waiter’s a robot, may seem a ratherlarge question, but | don’t think Martin’s made no attemptto adapthis café to the the answeris necessarily all that complex. One can remote future in whichit's located. It might as well argue that what first grabs is the speculation, the be Byres Road on a Wednesday morning. intellectual fascination of dramatised thought- experiments about the nature of things, but that’s surely something that comes in later. For the BAD SCEMEHICTION19 young - say thirteen-year-old - reader, it’s the 2,USPRATNAND entertainment and exhilaration that count more than the ideas, and most especially a kind of satisfaction you can get from sciencefiction and from no other reading; that of having your mind boggled. In your teens you may find your mind most effectively blown by Asimov or Heinlein; in yourtwenties you'll be morelikely to seek the same experience through Cordwainer Smith or lan Watson. But it’s essentially the same kind of satisfaction you look for every time you pick up an sf book; the sensation of having your conscious- nessstretched to infinity in all directions. As one’s sf reading career goeson, it’s an experiencethat comesless and less, partly because you've read all the truly mind-expanding stuff and there isn't really an awfullotofit, and partly because you inevitably get morecritical as you read more. But can you think back to whenyoufirst read Asimov,withall those marvellous titles suggestive of cosmic immensity - Pebble in the Sky, The Stars Like Dust, The End of Eternity, The Currents of Space? The breath-halting vistas those phrases conjure up, and did conjure up for me as a pre-teen reader, dissolve away utterly when you go back and reread them, and find that they're actually pretty In case the tenor of my argumentis beginning to run-of-the-mill adventures,with a lot of talk and not get obscuredbyall this murky browngleurp,let me muchrealepic sweep, and that most ofthe images pause to recap. Whenever | read through an sf you most vivedly remember owed more to your theme anthologyor themearticle, [’m much more own imagination than to the printed text. You can’t struck by the general unimaginativeness, by what believe in the Galactic Empire any more, when you the authors haven't thought of, than by the ideas realise Asimov's still got all his characters smoking they have; and I'm sure manyotherreadersfeel the cigarettes and the women(I noticed the other day) sameway. | believe that this is bestillustrated by carrying handbags. studying an utterly trivial and banal theme that keeps surfacing in the literature, because it This feeling of God-lmust-be-getting-old came highlights with such depressing accuracy the ways home to me with particular suddeness recently in which a certain style of writer fails to think. | whenI was arguing with a friend about Beyond the submit that no good sf story set in an age of Blue Event Horizon, which| feel is about as bad a interstellar travel has a cupof coffeeinit; so all you book as ever got nominated for the Hugo (except have to do to find out whether a dubious-looking for 1981's other nominees), and hesaid, “But didn’t novel is worth reading or notis to flip through you feel a sense of wonder?’ And stopped short, looking at what the characters have for breakfast.| and tried to think of any authors who'd made me find that with practice you can do this pretty fast. live that beautiful old cliché in the last year or two. 31

And the only authors | could think of still writing of the universe in whichwelive. I'm only surprised books that make me think wow,this is COSMIC are the theme's as rare as it is, particularly when three notorious eccentrics: lan Watson, though comparedto the volumeof sf about something as much of his boggling technique is rather too brain-anaesthetisingly fatuous as coffee. Although intellectual to count properly; Barrington Bayley, you can find somevery striking scenarios of the who has a gloriously unbridled imagination but distant future in writers like Van Vogt, Cordwainer couldn't write his way outof a Safeway bag; and the Smith, or Jack Vance(I don’t meanjust the Dying amazing but as yet rather neglected Rudy Rucker, Earth stuff), | can only think of three authors who looksto be the best new talent on the scene who've madethis theme, of getting to imaginative for years despite being an evident mental case of grips with the sheer expanse of space and of hyperDickian proportions. history, a central and explicit preoccupationin their writing. The most interesting, because he's the So | sat down and tried to compile a notional only oneofthe three with anyrealliterary talent,is theme anthology oftruly mind-boggling sfstories, Brian Aldiss, most obviously in his story-cycles the stuff | can read and reread andstill think Galaxies Like Grains of Sand and Starswarm WOW.....So far as | know this has never been done, (whattitles! anyone who wouldn’t buy a book witha though| have a dim recollection of a Silverberg name like that, sight unseen, is getting middle- anthology of stories of the very distant future, aged between the ears), but also in things like which I can’t seem to trace in the Encyclopedia.It Hothouse and even Enemiesof the System. (The does mention that Harry Harrison tried to cycle oflinked stories is the traditional medium for commission a bookfull of new stories on the this kind of sf, Simak’s City being much the most theme and didn’t get enough.At anyrate,| think successful and famous example.It’s interesting to you could just aboutfill one collection, no more, note that a numberof caffeinate authors go in for with the existing material - not counting novels,of this form - Heinlein's Future History, Niven's course. Apart from several Bayleys that might Known Space, and | daresay that wretched make the grade, there's things like Damon Pournelle book | mentioned earlier but couldn’t Knight’s “Ticket to Anywhere” (the one aboutthe bring myself to read.) You may rememberAldiss's guy who goes through a one-way teleport gate definition of sf as the search for a definition of man unearthed on Mars to see what happens,andfinds andhis status in the universe. I very muchlike that, himself embarked on a grandspiral in towards the not so muchasa definition as a kind of manifesto, centre of the galaxy); a number of Cordwainer a statementof whatall sf does to some extent and Smith pieces but perhaps mostespecially “No, No, the best sf does in a big way, and therefore ought to Not Rogov!’ (in which a bit of petty cold war be our priority in writing the stuff. It explains intrigue unforeseeably results in a glimpse of a Aldiss’s own ambitions very well. single image from the year 13,582); Aldiss’s “Old Hundredth’, that marvellously elegiac evocation of The other two are dead authors Aldiss has Earth after man; Ballard’s “The Waiting Grounds”, expressed admiration for, William Hope Hodgson about the character who stumbles on a megalithic and (of course) Stapledon.| find it suggestive that site on a grotty dusthole planetoid that gives hima these threefiguresareall British writers withlittle or vision of the entire history of the universe, and no rootsinthe pulp magazinestradition, belonging where unseenaliens from all over the galaxy are rather to the Wellsian stream of speculative furtively congregating to await some colossal romance. Contrast this with the literary embarrass- cosmic event. | daresay most readers could adda ment, people like Niven and Pournelle, Heinlein, couple morebrainbusters of their own, the point Anderson, McCaffrey,all authors deeply planted in remainsthatthere are really astonishingly few such the soil of genre magazine sf. | mean, can you stories around.Forall the claims that sf apologists imagine a Stapledon character with a fresh makefor the genre’s mind-expanding powers,the stearning mug of Java? ‘Then one sentient nebula science-fiction imagination seemsvirtually incapa- groundthe beanswhilst anotherplacedthefilterin ble of facing up to the cosmic immensities that the drip-funnel; and for a period of about three ought to be its stamping-ground. Instead of stellar lifetimes they watched the coffee brew, soaring to the outer reachesofinfinity, it keeps coolingas it did so from a temperatureofa billion scuttling back to the hot drinks dispenser. degrees to a comfortably drinkable 3°K”’. Of course,I'm notinsistingthatall sf writers should | don’t meanto suggestthat the only goodsfis the blush to their boots for shame, and go straight stuff that grapples head-on with the vastness of home and consign to the incinerator anything that space and timethatis the most noteworthy feature isn't set on a timescale of a million centuries in an 82

arenathe size of a galactic supercluster. That'd be in) literature outside the genre, shrugged the chip to throw out the baby, the bathwater, the bath, and off their shoulders, and started thinking of the Strathclyde Water Authority. But | do feel that earthboundliterature as the ghetto. the most exciting questions science fiction Afterall, all earthboundliterature can do to escape addresses are the really big ones, and most the rich but desperately constricting round of especially what will be the ultimate impact of humanbeings and whatthey do to one anotheris mankind on the universe. | can’t think of a more to back up the blind alley of mysticism. This may be challenging imaginative thought-experimentin sf all right for some;religion is a dead easy wayto find or for that matter at all, than to try and envisage answersfordifficult questions like what am | made what the humanracewill belike in a billion years of, why am | here, and what's outthere beyond. But from now,or howit'll end. SF hasits own range of the lesson of the twentieth century is that a great answers; extinction, usually in the near future, many more questions havescientific answers than occasionally through some long-term cosmic or used to be believed, and that science therefore is genetic disaster; unlimited expansion through the entitled to get first crack at the real sods. It’s universe ( a popular theme in American sf); becoming increasingly apparent that earthbound expansionthat levels out into a stable or stagnant literature is no good for getting at the biggies. As configuration, or perhaps a cycle rise and fall of soonasit starts looking beyond the earth,it gets civilisations or even universes; or best of all, stuckinto either scientific speculation, whichis sf, transcendent evolution into something greater, or unscientific speculation, which is mysticism.It perhaps something beyond the comprehensible can’t even burrow inwards into its traditional universe altogether. These are all immensely preserve of human minds and feelings, because powerful ideas, the real stuff of visionary literature. sf's acquired territorial rights over inner space as Whyisn’t there more of it in what gets written? well thanks to the development of scientific Because the writers are lazy and the readers are approachesto sussing out the human psyche. stupid? Weall know that's not true. Not in this country, anyway. So for Christ's sake let’s stop being embarrassed about never having read Vanity Fair, and get a bit | think it's partly due to our bloody great more aggressive about the educational gaps of persecution complex. There’s immensepressure those gormless earthbounds. “You mean you've on sciencefiction to proveits relevance by tackling never read Childhood’s End? but most educated themesof direct pertinence to the here-and-now people have read it three times before they're (something, as I've suggested, most sf writers twelve!’”. “Haven't heard of Stapledon? Crumbs. don't do particularly well), just so that the Sunday You won't have heard of Dickens, them, either? Times review sections will stick us in with the Eh? Extraordinary not having heard of Stapledon, fiction instead of the science fiction. That's the in that case. Did you go to school somewhere height of the genre’s serious literary aspirations, peculiar?” “Never tasted tequila?” Aw, come on. isn’t it? to get a patronising nod from what we Next you'll be telling me you've neverread anything deferentially and rather self-consciously call “the by Lem, ha-ha. You what? Oh, sorry, bit slow mainstream”. We ought to junk that word, catching on. | thought you must have been kidding honestly.It’s the sort of bumlicking term that the about the tequila.” ghetto applies to the metropolis beyond thewalls. I firmly and sincerely believe that sciencefictionwill But, really, just because there’s a wall between us inherit the literary universe. I'm sure you do too in andthe restofliterature doesn’t meanit’s us that's your heart of hearts; it just seems too ludicrous a in the ghetto. sentiment to voice when so muchofit is so limited Consider. All literature, says he, resorting to in its quality and aspirations. If we just took a bit pompousand magisterial generalisations, has as more pride in sf's mission, we wouldn't have to its central theme the confrontation of man with the tolerate all this stupid shit about coffee. “Black universe at large; but only science fiction has wine, from the mountains of Thentis’’. For God’s imaginative access to the whole of space and time. sake, what are we readingthis stuff for? Let us all All the rest is stuck with a “universe” consisting of engrave on our hearts thosefinal deathless words one snotty little planet and a load of stuck-up of Things to Come(in slightly doctored form). organic excrescences who have the audacity to “All the universe - or a oz.jar of Maxwell think they are the universe. So | propose we chuck House! Which shall it be, Passworthy? the term “mainstream” literature”. It's time sf readers stopped being embarrassed by their relative uninterest in (not ignoranceof; uninterest NICK LOWE MACFAIRCON’S RANT JOHN BRUNNER

Comeall ye true-born SF fans wha in the north An Harrison’s a canny lad wha weirs a writer’s dae dweel, breeks, Wha ken the rovin’ spacewoman an’ rats o > In Ireland an’ America they hearken when he stainless steel - speaks- Wi Harrison an’ Mitchison an’ mony anither (Spoken: Ye cannahelpit!) guest W?Harrison...... The Faircon held in eighty-twa is boon’tae be the best.! Sae tak’ the low roadorthe high or tunnel ’neath the sea Tae jine wi’ us in Glesca toon at ane braw For Mitchison’s a bonnie dame, she’s famed the hostelry- world aroond, Wy Harrison an’ Mitchison and mony anither Frae Argyll untae Africa her name is wide guest renowned- The Faircon held in eighty-twa is boon’ tae be the Wi’ Harrison...... best!

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Air: traditional, “Macpherson’s Rant”as perform- To be sungin the mannerof Alex Campbell, but ed by Robin Hall and Roy Guest; the melody for soberer. ; the chorusis in the lowerpart. Copyright © 1982 Brunner Fact & Fiction Ltd. 34

LOVE AND MONEY

Ian Sorensen

One of the main problems in running a Science would have to be called Soupcéon. Fiction Conventionis finance. Getting it, using it, WhenI put this to the rest of the committee they trying to break even, resisting the temptation to seemed less than enthusiastic (although a trip to run off with it. As Faircon’s Treasurer I take a Paris to check possible venues was thought to bea great interest in all of the above. Especially the goodidea). So, it was back to the drawing board. first and last ones! This year I have given great What would bring in more members than a thought to how to maximise Faircon’s science fiction convention in a luxury hotel? income. (The rest of the committee compete to Changing the hotel hadn’t worked, so how about maximise Faircon’s expenditure). How do you get changing the convention? What books outsell SF more people to go to the Convention? I was a hundred to one? Mills and Boon do. This wasit! reminded of the following story. “Mills and Booncon”; no, “Romanticon”. That Once upon a timethere were two friends who won was the name. Thousands of devoted readers the pools. They decided to buy a pub, thinking would surely flock to the convention, eager to that they couldn’t do better as an investment. meet each other, meet authors, drink and swoon. After all, everbody likes a drink now and again. Business, however, was much less than they had The more I thought about it the moreit seemed a anticipated. So one day they sat down to workout workable idea. Guest of Honour - Barbara Cartland; Fan Guest - Mary Whitehouse. The what other type of business had a greaterdemand. Suddenly one of them jumped up saying “Why Main Programme would havefilms like ‘Love don’t we open a brothel! It can’t fail!”. But his Story’, ‘Brief Encounter’, ‘Dr. Zhivago’, ‘The Last partner was more dubious. “Surely,” he replied “if Snows of Spring’ and talks or panel discussions like ‘My First Kiss’, ‘Should You Kiss onthe First people won’t buy drink, they’ll never buy broth!” Date’ and so on. This led me to think “what could attract more people than science fiction convention in a The Video Programme would show ‘A Kind of luxury hotel?” The answer was a sciencefiction Loving’,‘Peyton Place’, and, of course, ‘Dallas’. If they were available then I’m sure old ‘Dr. Kildare’ convention in a brothel! I was quite excited by this shows would be a great success. idea. I began planning the whole thing. The best brothels are, as everyone knows, in Paris. So Paris The Fancy Dress would beinteresting. I’m sure it was to be the venue. But what to call it? would require a ‘Best Bodice’ and ‘Best Bodice Brothelcon lacked a certain something. Then I Ripper’ category. I’m quite looking forwardtoit. saw it. Hold it in a small Parisian brothel and it See you all next year at Romanticon ’83.

photon. FAIRCON ‘82

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