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Søren Kierkegaard Romantic Loving An existential study By Skye Cleary (BA, GradCert Journalism, MBA) A thesis submitted in fulfilment of the requirements for the degree of Doctor of Philosophy (PhD) MGSM, Macquarie University Sydney, Australia 13th January 2013 Certification This thesis is submitted in fulfilment of the requirements of the degree of PhD in the Macquarie Graduate School of Management, Macquarie University. This represents the original work and contribution of the author, except as acknowledged by general and specific references. I hereby certify that this has not been submitted for a higher degree to any other university or institution. Signed: Date: 13th January 2013 i Acknowledgements I am very grateful to my supervisor, Robert Spillane, for his rigorous logic, insightfulness, ideas and constructive criticisms. I am also grateful to Steven Segal, my associate supervisor, for his helpful suggestions and extraordinary knowledge of all things existential. To my partner Nick Cleary and my little ray of sunshine, Dylan, who understands that sometimes mum needs to go to uni, thanks is hardly enough. A note of appreciation to my friends, colleagues and fellow philosophers, including Nicole Burn, Nicola Reade, Bradley Rolfe, Jean-Etienne Jouille, Richard Badham, Francis Buttle, and participants of PhiloAgora and Philorum and the conferences I have attended, for their interest in, and comments on, my work, as well as for their moral support. Thank you to Kerry Daniel, Stefanie Jreige, Jennifer Martin, and Elizabeth Thomas in the MGSM Research Office for their friendly administrative support. I also appreciate Macquarie University’s funding and other support that has enabled me to pursue this research and to strengthen it by engaging with the international philosophical community. iii Abstract This thesis is an existential study of romantic loving. Its central thesis is that existential philosophies emphasise the importance of freeing oneself from misplaced expectations and flawed ideals about the nature of, and behaviour associated with, romantic loving. Existentialists have argued that if romantic lovers free themselves from these problematic ideas they are free to reinvigorate romantic loving in a way that allows for authentically meaningful relationships. Five existential philosophers – Max Stirner, Søren Kierkegaard, Friedrich Nietzsche, Jean- Paul Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir – are studied because they provide narratives by which roots of dissatisfactions and frustrations within our everyday ideas about romantic loving can be examined, and possibilities for resolution can be explored. An analysis of such existential notions as freedom, power, choice, authenticity and anxiety, challenges our assumptions regarding the nature and meaning of romantic loving. Stirner argued that romantic loving characterised by obligations and unselfishness is hypocritical and unsatisfying. Instead he proposed self-loving and the creation of relationships which one finds enjoyable and interesting. Kierkegaard suggested that romantic loving was inherently disappointing due to its unstable and finite nature and advocated marriage and religious love as more secure foundations for relationships. Nietzsche proposed that the problems in romantic loving often stem from out-dated Christian values, inappropriate social conventions, and petty power dynamics. His medley of suggestions to resolve such issues is underpinned by the fundamental goal of striving towards the ideal of the Übermensch. Sartre argued that romantic loving is inherently frustrating because relationships descend into sado- masochistic dialectics in an attempt to attain an unrealisable ideal, and was sceptical about possible solutions. Beauvoir argued that dissatisfaction in romantic loving stems from possessive behaviours and more harmonious relationships can be achieved through reciprocal recognition of two freedoms. Keywords: Romantic loving, existential philosophies, freedom, power, choice v Contents Certification+ i! Acknowledgements+ iii! Abstract+ v! Contents+ vii! Introduction+ 1! What%is%romantic%loving?% 3! What%is%existentialism?% 14! Research%questions% 21! Methodology% 23! Thesis%structure% 25! Selection%of%five%existential%philosophers% 27! Extant%literature% 29! What%this%thesis%is%about% 40! Critical%caveats% 41! Chapter+1+;+Max+Stirner:+Loving+Egoistically+ 43! Problems%of%romantic%loving% 45! Stirner’s%alternative:%loving%egoistically% 48! Key%considerations% 65! Chapter+2+;+Søren+Kierkegaard:+Loving+Aesthetically+ 75! Problems%of%romantic%loving% 80! Kierkegaard’s%alternatives:%loving%ethically%and%religiously% 96! Key%considerations% 107! Chapter+3+;+Friedrich+Nietzsche:+Loving+Powerfully+ 115! Problems%of%romantic%loving%and%Nietzsche’s%advice% 120! Key%considerations% 155! Chapter+4+;+Jean;Paul+Sartre:+Loving+Sado;Masochistically+ 159! Problems%of%romantic%loving% 166! Possible%solutions% 177! Key%considerations% 191! Chapter+5+;+Simone+de+Beauvoir:+Loving+Authentically+ 199! Problems%of%romantic%loving% 207! Beauvoir’s%solution:%loving%authentically% 221! Key%considerations% 230! Chapter+6+–+Conclusion+ 247! 1.! What%were%the%existential%philosopher’s%views%of%romantic%loving?% 247! 2.! What%are%the%common%themes%evident%through%this%examination%of%romantic%loving%from%an% existential%perspective?% 248! 3.! Do%existential%philosophies%pose%problems%for%the%traditional%understanding%of%romantic% loving?% 248! 4.! Do%existential%philosophies%offer%solutions%to%overcome%problems%in%the%traditional% understanding%of%romantic%loving?% 255! Publications+and+awards+related+to+this+PhD+ 263! Works+cited+ 265! vii Introduction The attempt to understand romantic loving has become big business or, as philosophers Robert Solomon and Kathleen Higgins describe it, “a global obsession”.1 The popularity of matchmaking industries, internet dating, romance novels, relationship self-help books and celebrity relationship counsellors are just a few examples of how the dynamics of loving relationships remain of perennial interest. Expectations about romantic loving are grand, but there seems to be dissatisfaction with the way we understand it because reality often falls short of the ideal. Romantic loving suggests images of endless magical happiness, harmony, understanding and intimacy that make the lovers feel as if they are made for each other. The ideal is alluring but unsatisfactory, because romantic loving often involves suffering, conflicts and disappointments.2 For example, Robert Johnson argued that the Western approach to romantic loving is faulty because our expectations are misplaced and that is why “we spend much of our time with a deep sense of loneliness, alienation and frustration over our inability to make genuinely loving and committed relationships”.3 Cristina Nehring also argued that what she called our modern approach to romantic loving is flawed because the heroic and transcendental qualities have given way to a “pragmatic and pedestrian” attitude thanks to recreational sex, concern for sexual safety, family values and feminist cynicism about romance.4 Aaron Ben-Ze’ev and Ruhama Goussinsky proposed that “The gap between what we want from love and what we actually achieve is increasing and the resulting dissonance gives rise to mounting dissatisfaction with our love lives”.5 Robert Solomon said if there is a problem, it is love’s “etherealization. We have come to expect too much of love”.6 Part of the issue is that our 1 Robert C. Solomon and Kathleen M. Higgins, eds., The Philosophy of (Erotic) Love (Lawrence, Kansas: University Press of Kansas, 1991) 1. 2 For example, see André Compte-Sponville, according to whom “Eros is its name, want is its essence, and passionate love is its culmination” (André Comte-Sponville, A small treatise on the great virtues: the uses of philosophy in everyday life, trans. Catherine Temerson (New York: Metropolitan Books, 2001) 238.) Also, Ben- Ze'ev and Goussinsky say that romantic love is “a major factor in people’s misery, as it involves many disappointments and unfulfilled hopes…Love may be ‘many splendid things’, but love also hurts a lot, can be dangerous, and may lead us to foolish deeds” (Aaron Ben-Ze'ev and Ruhama Goussinsky, In the Name of Love: Romantic Ideology and Its Victims (Oxford and New York: Oxford University Press, 2008) 3.) 3 Robert A. Johnson, The Psychology of Romantic Love (London, Melbourne and Henley: Routledge and Kegan Paul, 1984) xii. 4 Cristina Nehring, A Vindication of Love: Reclaiming Romance for the Twenty-first Century (New York: HarperCollins, 2009) 271, 273, 275. 5 Ben-Ze'ev and Goussinsky, In the Name of Love: Romantic Ideology and Its Victims, xiv. 6 Robert C. Solomon, Love: Emotion, Myth, and Metaphor (Buffalo, New York: Prometheus Books, 1990) 78- 79. 1 expectations of romantic loving are shaped by popular culture. Hsu-Ming Teo argued that as the American narrative fed by global marketing, advertising and publishing dominates our understanding of romantic love, there is “less and less common knowledge or understanding of alternative cultures or expressions of love”.7 This thesis is an existential study of romantic loving. Existential philosophies provide a meaningful framework through which the dominant ideas about romantic loving can be critically examined because, as I shall argue, they explore the space between the ideals of romantic loving and the compromises and sacrifices lovers make in order to try to achieve those ideals. Five existential philosophers have been selected for study because
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