LEADER’S GUIDE

Witness to LParish oveRenewal Plan Wintess to Love | 1 Copyright © 2018, 2019 Witness to Love All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in digital format, or transmitted in any form or by any means without written permission from the copyright holder. For permission to quote, copy, or transmit any part of this work, please contact: [email protected].

Published by Witness to Love, a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization WitnessToLove.org

Cover Design by Chris Cope, CardinalStudios.org

Contents

Chapter One A New Vision for Marriage Preparation

The Current State of Marriage Preparation ...... 4 The Desires and Challenges Of Our Engaged Couples ...... 5 . . . Serving Couples in Civil Marriages ...... 5 . . . . Learning to Love Through Witness ...... 6 . . . . The A .R T. . of Evangelization ...... 6. . . .

An Overview of Witness to Love ...... 8. . . . The Goals and Philosophy of Witness to Love ...... 8 . . . Renewal and the Invitation into Parish Life ...... 9 A Paradigm Shift That Brings Ownership, Trust and Involvement in the Marriage Prep Process, and, Ultimately, the Church ...... 9 The Standard Process & the Witness to Love Process ...... 10

The Role and Qualities of Mentors in the Witness to Love Process ...... 12 . . . The Role of the Mentor Couple ...... 12 The “Big” Questions About Mentors ...... 12 . . . Choosing a Mentor and What They Will Do ...... 13 . . .

Attachment Theory ...... 15 . . . . Why Attachment Theory? ...... 15 . . . . A Bridge of Trust: Felt Security ...... 15 . . .

Chapter Two How It Works 1A & 1B, & 2

1 .A Who or What is Involved? ...... 17. . . . .

1 .B Who or What is Involved? ...... 17 . . . .

2 . Eight Steps to Fruitful Engagement and Formation ...... 17 . . .

1 .A Who or What is Involved? ...... 18. . . . The Priest or Deacon ...... 18 . . . . The Marriage Prep Coordinator ...... 18 Engaged Couple or Civilly Married Couple ...... 19 Mentor Couple ...... 20

1 .B Who or What is Involved? ...... 21 . . . . Witness to Love Training Series ...... 21 . . . Workbook ...... 21 . . . . . Video Series ...... 21 Mentor’s Journey ...... 22 . . . . Additional Resources ...... 22. . . .

Wintess to Love | 3 2 . Eight Steps to Fruitful Engagement and Formation ...... 23 . . . First Meeting with Clergy ...... 23 Tips for Helping Engaged Couples Discern a Mentor Couple ...... 23 The Dynamic of the Initial Meeting Between Clergy and Engaged Couple ...... 24. . Coaching Session with Marriage Prep Coordinator ...... 25 Monthly Meetings with Mentor Couple ...... 26. . . . Parish/Diocesan Formal Instructional Class, Retreat, Online Program or Weekend Conference (Mentors Invited) ...... 28 . . . . Theology Discussion at Mentor’s Home ...... 29 . . . What do clergy in the Witness to Love Marriage Prep process need to understand about attachment theory? . 31 An Invitation to Relationship With the Parish ...... 31. . . Wedding Day! ...... 32. . . . . Continued Accompaniment by Mentor Couple and Parish ...... 32

Chapter Three The Rollout Process Step 1 . Identify Your Team ...... 34. . . . Step 2 . Order Your Materials ...... 34 Step 3 . Rollout Team Planning Meeting ...... 34. . . . Step 4 . Get the Word Out ...... 35 . . . . Step 5 . Print or Customize WTL Forms ...... 35. . . . Step 6 . Begin Meeting with Couples ...... 35 . . . Step 7 . Survey and Follow-up with Couples after the Wedding ...... 35. . .

Resources Witness to Love Info Flyer ...... 43. . . . Witness to Love Mentors Guide ...... 45 . . . Bulletin Announcement ...... 47 . . . . Pulpit Annoncement ...... 48 . . . . Clergy Notes ...... 49 . . . . Marriage Prep Process ...... 58. . . . Parish Rollout Checklist ...... 59 Sample Emails ...... 60. . . . . Intake Sheet ...... 64 Scavenger Hunt ...... 66 . . . . Retreat Outline ...... 68 . . . . Retreat Format ...... 70 Order Form ...... 71. . . . .

Wintess to Love | 4 Chapter One A New Vision for Marriage Preparation

❒❒ The Current State of Marriage Preparation ● The Desires and Challenges of Engaged Couples ● Serving Couples in Civil Marriages ● Learning to Love Through Witness

How do we determine in which direction to point couples as they prepare for lasting marriages? How do we find guides to walk with them, get both the couples and their guides ready for their journey together, and most importantly what does it mean for the guides to accompany them not only on the way to their wedding day but also aftertheir wedding? We will look at what processes and philosophies work, why they work, and how to continuously improve and personalize them .

The Current State of Marriage Preparation

God has a beautiful plan for marriage… a plan that existed from the very beginning . When couples understand the gift of the Sacrament of Matrimony, and their unique call to create a school of love within a family, they can bring profoundly positive effects to their parishes and communities . One healthy, thriving marriage can impact many lives for the better, drawing others closer to Christ and the sacraments . We who are involved in marriage preparation have an enormous opportunity to help form engaged and newly married couples by providing them a compelling vision of marriage that they may have never imagined possible .

Over the past fifty years we have seen an evolution in the way that couples are prepared for the Sacrament of Marriage . We have also seen changes in family life, challenges to the integrity of the family, moral dilemmas, a rise in pornography accessibility and addiction, confusion about the roles and responsibilities of parents and spouses, a loss of understanding and reverence for the Sacrament of Marriage, a disconnect between generations, and a lack of access or insight into healthy marriages and family life .

In years past, good models of love in marriage were simply absorbed from parents, grandparents, family members and friends . There was no option to “get out” of a marriage . There was very little formal marriage preparation because it was assumed that the best (and indeed the only necessary) marriage preparation happened in the home . Divorce rates were low, the Theology of the Body had not yet been written, and the “Pill” was not yet widely available . While some churches or dioceses offered retreats for engaged couples there were no widespread and formal diocesan marriage prep requirements and programs of the kind and number we know today .

Formalized diocesan marriage prep came largely in response to the Vatican’s 1981 Synod on the Family and St . John Paul II’s landmark Apostolic Exhortation, Familiaris Consortio . that followed the Synod . In that exhortation he states:

“In this they should lay down, in the first place, the minimum content, duration and method of the “Preparation Courses,” balancing the different aspects-doctrinal, pedagogical, legal and medical-concerning marriage, and structuring them in such a way that those preparing for marriage will not only receive an intellectual training but will also feel a desire to enter actively into the ecclesial community.” FC. 66

Wintess to Love | 5 This formalization of marriage prep was greatly needed and mostly heeded . The last line, however, did not receive the full response it was due . It places a dual emphasis on providing “intellectual training” AND cultivating “a desire to enter actively into ecclesial community”(FC 66). It is these two prongs, effective catechesis and effective evangelization, that will make marriage prep succeed in nurturing and sustaining marriages . Without the graces of the Sacraments and support from the parish community couples will not be able to have thriving, grace-filled marriages . Oftentimes they leave the church on their wedding day with only a vague understanding of the Sacrament they just received, no significant parish connection in place, and little or no desire to “enter actively into the ecclesial community ”.

The Desires and Challenges Of Our Engaged Couples

Studies show the number one concern of our engaged couples is staying married 1. But often they are not connected to the most reliable means of staying married and indeed of flourishing in marriage: the wisdom and graces of God and his Church . They may have little or no prior exposure to Church teaching . Trusting the Church may be a challenge for them for a variety of reasons . They may have mixed motivations for seeking a Church wedding . And while they might like to belong to a faith community they likely have never been invited to join one . They are floaters and if they go to church at all, they often do not go to the same church consistently . They may even go to a mixture of Catholic and Protestant Churches .

Their living situations and family backgrounds are also often less than ideal . Most are cohabiting, and even those who aren’t are usually sexually active . Many are addicted to pornography or struggle with it . Some have been sexually abused or seriously wounded in other ways and so may bring warped behaviors and expectations into their marriages . Many have parents and even grandparents who are divorced .

In summary, the vast majority of our engaged couples have never heard about nor witnessed in living color God’s vibrant and beautiful plan for marriage, including the Church’s teaching on sexual integrity, the science and theology of natural family planning and the abundant graces that God has waiting for them in the Sacrament of Marriage .

Witness to Love seeks not only to meet and welcome them where they are, but also to bring them to where they need to be - close to Christ as vibrant members of a parish community .

Serving Couples in Civil Marriages

In many parishes close to half of the weddings are “blessings” or “convalidations” of civil marriages . Many times when these couples call the parish to ask about getting “married in the church” they are scared and nervous . We must treat this encounter as the first of many opportunities for our Church to warmly greet, encourage and accompany them . It is certainly not the time to imply that they are “living in sin” and suggest the need for an abbreviated or even rushed preparation for the Sacrament . Civilly married couples, like all engaged couples, deserve our full time and attention .

Clergy, parish staff, and lay marriage prep ministers often have another misguided reason for streamlining the process for civilly married couples . They can view these couples as “pretty much married already” and so less in need of formal marriage preparation than a “standard vanilla” engaged couple . But to deprive these couples of a full marriage prep experience would be a mistake in several respects .

First, even couples who have been civilly married for decades can have weighty relationship issues that need care and attention . Second, they, like most people, have never been told about, nor witnessed, the full depth and beauty of the Church’s vision of marriage . Finally, a more gradual and fully interpersonal process will allow the Church a better opportunity to transmit

1 The Specter of Divorce: Views From Working- and Middle-Class Cohabitors (pages 602–616) Amanda J. Miller, Sharon Sassler and Dela Kusi-Appouh. Article first published online: 2 NOV 2011 | DOI: 10.1111/j.1741-3729.2011.00671.x Ac- cessed Oct 15, 2014

Wintess to Love | 6 this vision to them in love, ensuring a greater likelihood that their sacramental marriage will not only endure unto death, but flower most fully .

While every situation should be evaluated on its own, all couples should receive a full marriage prep experience, even, and in some cases especially, those who are civilly married . In short, the marriage prep process should always be treated by us, and experienced by all engaged couples, as an encounter rich with opportunities for friendship, evangelization, renewal and invitation into the full life of the Church .

If a Pastor would like to “speed up” the process for a particular couple who has a very strong relationship, as evidenced by their inventory or questionnaire, he could make a pastoral decision about that particular couple . The expectation, however, should be that every couple who receives a sacrament is prepared for a sacrament . An example of an adaptation would be for the civilly married couple to do half of their meetings before the wedding and half after .

Learning to Love Through Witness

Witness to Love grew out of the realization that while couples needed the expertise and theological insight of a quality diocesan marriage prep conference or retreat, they also needed to witness selfless examples of marital love and healthy family life . While the married couples chosen to give presentations at marriage prep conferences usually do provide exemplary examples of married love, they are most often not intimately and permanently involved in the lives of the engaged couples who attend these conferences .

In our pilot parish we discovered that many of our engaged couples came from divorced parents; they had little or no involvement in parish life; and while they often knew of a couple whose marriage they admired, they had no structure in place through which they could receive wisdom and support from that couple . We found that even if we assigned an exemplary, in-home marriage prep style mentor couple at our parish, the engaged couple ultimately did not connect with them in a way that would endure beyond the wedding . We would see newly married couples get separated or divorced without ever coming to us or their parish assigned mentor couple for help . There was no system in place to reach out to them or even to be aware that they were in need .

Our culture presents couples with challenges they cannot face alone and so we must offer them a model that will help them learn how to love, to be a family, to give themselves, and to encounter Christ . Couples will often date, engage, wed, and divorce without ever having learned what it means to love and to be loved . Separated from God’s plan for them, they will likely get caught up in the whirlpool of the modern Western world: surrounded and drenched in sex while slowing dying of love dehydration .

“Man cannot live without love. He remains a being that is incomprehensible for himself, his life is senseless, if love is not revealed to him, if he does not encounter love, if he does not experience it and make it his own, if he does not participate intimately in it.” JPII in Redemptor Hominis

This quote sums up the reason for and the name ofWitness to Love . If an engaged couple does not learn to love authentically, their future marriage and family will be missing the key ingredient .

The A.R.T. of Evangelization

Over the years as we watched Witness to Love Marriage Prep Renewal Ministry grow and flourish in so many different parts of the United States, and even outside of the United States, we realized that there was something very different in the approach we discovered . We would like to summarize and share some of the key aspects of our approach with you .

Wintess to Love | 7 The acronym “A R. T. ”. stands for attraction, relationships, and trust . If you take any one of these three core components away, the Witness to Love methodology for evangelization will not be as effective . Why? Each of these three are critical and integral aspects of evangelization . They take into account how we come to understand, accept, and live the truth .

First, let’s look at attraction . When we are hoping to bring someone to more deeply understand and accept the truth of our faith and to introduce them to the person of Christ, they will not listen to us if they don’t already want something that we have . For example, if they’re not attracted to our joy, our kindness, our passion, or some other thing about us, then they will not want the faith that we have . As human beings we are each uniquely attracted to different personalities, virtues, charisms, and ways of living . We cannot change who we are and we cannot change what someone else is attracted to . However, if that attraction exists God can use it in a powerful way .

In looking at relationships and the role that human friendships play in evangelization, we look at scripture for insight . Most often it is a friend who brings another friend to meet Christ . We see how it is through relationships that disciples are born . Relationships cannot be created, they can only be born . A great friendship can be born from the smallest seed of attraction . True friendships can never be established upon a lie . True friendships and relationships are established on truth and on the one who is Truth incarnate, Jesus Christ . When you consider the people in your life whose opinion matters the most to you, you will realize that it is those with whom you have deep and lasting relationships . There is a hunger today for real friendship!

Lastly, trust is one of the most important aspects of evangelization, yet it is not taken into account today in how we operate as a church . The number one challenge to evangelization is that young people today do not trust the church . They do not trust us and they do not trust you . They do not trust institutions, experts, theologians, or anyone with whom they do not already have a relationship or at least are attracted to . Trust cannot be earned overnight, friendship isn’t born in a day, and attraction should not be manipulated .

In summary, our discovery was that the only way to bring attraction, trust, and relationships into the evangelization equation is to have the engaged couples bring to the Church someone whose marriage they are attracted to, someone with whom they had a relationship with already, and someone they trust . Once we made this change from the traditional mentor model of assigned mentors to the Witness to Love method everything fell into place . Church attendance increased from 10% to 70% and even 90% in some locations . The divorce rate dropped from 23% at 5 years after the wedding day down to below 5% at 5 years after the wedding day . Couples continue going to church with their mentor couples after the wedding day . Both mentor and newly married couples stay connected to the church community even outside of Mass on Sunday . Couples volunteer for Church events and join small groups together . Lives are transformed, marriages are strengthened, friendships are established within the Church, trust is nurtured and disciples are born . This is theWitness to Love vision for parish renewal and you now have the tools to accomplish this within your own parish community .

Wintess to Love | 8 ❒❒ An Overview of Witness to Love ● The Goals and Philosophy of Witness to Love ● An Invitation into Parish Life ● A Paradigm Shift That Brings Ownership, Trust and Involvement in the Marriage Process, and Ultimately, the Church

Witness to Love is a personalized, step-by-step invitation to a deeper understanding, acceptance, loving and living out of the beautiful truths of the Church about marriage and family life . It provides opportunities for marriage discipleship and is designed as a “marriage catechumenate ”. It is a vision that came from working with over 500 couples over a nine year period, consulting with experts in evangelization, patristic theology, Catholic psycho-therapy, marriage and family, and ultimately from a great amount of prayer and discernment .

Witness to Love gives engaged couples a structure through which they can receive a witness of healthy marital love and family life from a sponsor/mentor couple that they choose, while at the same time integrating them into their parish through a formation plan for both the engaged couple and their sponsor/mentor couple . It also gives them, in the form of the sponsor/ mentor couple they choose, a lifeline of support, a resource of information, and a lasting connection to the parish after their wedding day . It is a process that invites them into “ecclesial community ”.

The Goals and Philosophy of Witness to Love

Witness to Love is a dynamic mentor-based marriage prep program that prepares engaged couples to transition into a welcoming community of faith after they are married . It addresses the problem of isolation and lack of parish involvement that is an issue for many engaged and newlywed couples . Witness to Love provides Catholic parishes with the tools to transform existing programs of marriage preparation into wellsprings of dynamic marriage discipleship that both foster parish community and nurture authentic accompaniment before and after the wedding day . This program is aimed at not only the formation of new marriages, but also the renewal of existing ones . Witness to Love answers the call of the new evangelization to go out and spread the Good News . It invites married couples who might otherwise not be involved in parish ministry, to connect and share what is important to them: their marriage .

Catholic marriage prep commonly includes a classroom model of catechesis but not an intentional, interpersonal and trust-based model of evangelization . In contrast, Witness to Love is built from the ground up on a model of interpersonal evangelization of engaged couples by veteran mentor couples in a trust-based relationship . We help to train the mentor married couples who evangelize the engaged couples, and often the mentor couples find their own marriages to be re- invigorated and evangelized . Every marriage needs to grow, but not many seek growth opportunities . Witness to Love creates avenues to meet this need in a way that is affirming and encouraging .

Our Church’s understanding that “grace builds on nature,” and our desire to evangelize through attraction rather than imposing obligations are foundational principles for mapping out any marriage prep process (see FC 34 in appendix) . This does not mean that Church teaching applies to different people in different ways, but it does mean that some people will need “milk before meat” in the marriage prep process. This is nothing new .

This gradual ramping up is a process wherein we as a Church should not so much be focused, at least not initially, on imparting information to an engaged couple . Rather, we should seek a deep and lasting change of heart by building a relationship with them, inviting them into the life of the Church, and giving their sponsor/mentor the tools they will need to guide this engaged couple throughout the Marriage prep process and after the wedding .

True and lasting conversion is a gift of grace to be nourished . Faith, moral conviction, and spiritual growth happen over time . Christ calls those who are not perfect to follow him, and it is through following Him that we grow in wisdom and grace . This process takes that mustard seed of faith the engaged couple holds when they come to the Church for the Sacrament of

Wintess to Love | 9 Marriage, and it gives them what they need to grow it into a flourishing experience and witness to love . Deep conversions and renewal happen consistently for both the sponsor/mentor couples and the engaged couples . .

In Familiaris Consortio JPII writes:

Young married couples should learn to accept willingly, and make good use of, the discrete, tactful and generous help offered by other couples that already have more experience of married and family life…. Animated by a true apostolic spirit, this assistance from family to family will constitute one of the simplest, most effective and most accessible means for transmitting from one to another those Christian values which are both the starting point and goal of all pastoral care. Thus young families will not limit themselves merely to receiving, but in their turn, having been helped in this way, will become a source of enrichment for other longer established families, through their witness of life and practical contribution.”

Renewal and the Invitation into Parish Life

In the book of Revelation Christ says, “Behold, I make all things new ”. This is a favorite quote we use with engaged couples because deep down they do want to be made new . They do want the full life, the blessings and the gifts that come from a life rooted in Christ . What we have to do then is to build upon this desire in such a way that their attitude toward marriage prep and enrichment changes from “what do we have to do?” to “what do we get to do?”

Part of this transformation is helping them remove the temptation to isolation that is so strong in so many of today’s young couples . We warmly and personally invite them into community and discipleship, and by the fruits we have seen in this Witness to Love approach, we know it can work wonders . And it is not only the engaged couples who are “made new” but eventually the fruits multiply outward to help transform your entire parish community . The key toWitness to Love is that we invite engaged couples to choose their own sponsors/mentors as the first stepping stone into entering into “ecclesial community ”. This is a radical and even a shocking paradigm shift for many veterans of marriage prep ministry, but we have found it to be an essential key to the engaged couple’s ownership, trust, and involvement in their marriage prep process . Ultimately it is also the key to their effective evangelization, their acceptance of the Church’s teaching on marriage, and their enduring integration into parish life .

The sponsors/mentors chosen by the engaged couple cannot just be any couple, but must meet some basic requirements, which will be discussed later . The point here, though, is that an essential part of the Witness to Love process is providing the engaged couple with some basic parameters to help them choose the best sponsor/mentor . Furthermore, we don’t just leave the four of them to figure out what to do next . We then coach this married couple to mentor the engaged couple . This is unlike most other mentor models wherein the mentors are pre-selected and assigned by the parish . As well-meaning as these models are, they present a far greater challenge in winning, keeping and building upon the couple’s trust .

A Paradigm Shift That Brings Ownership, Trust and Involvement in the Marriage Prep Process, and, Ultimately, the Church

Every so often those involved in marriage prep ministry will encounter a couple who is open, trusting and eager to ask questions about Church teaching and who may also be well along the path of discipleship . These are blessed occasions, but they are rare . We must make sure then that the path we are leading our couples down will most likely result in all of them having strong marriages and a continued connection to their parish . Below are some common stumbling blocks we can unwittingly put in couple’s way .

Wintess to Love | 10 • Potential Gaps or Issues Are: ◦◦ Setting a wedding date prematurely ◦◦ Turning a couple off by giving them too much too soon ◦◦ Not getting to know a couple during the process ◦◦ Missing key spiritual formation or relationship needs ◦◦ Not making the best use of the Inventory ◦◦ Missing out on evangelization or parish integration opportunities ◦◦ Not establishing a way to follow up with them in the future

All of these issues are addressed in the Witness to Love model .

The Standard Process & the Witness to Love Process

Items Needed for Successful Marriage Prep Is this in the Witness Is this in the Standard to Love Process? Process? Use of a Pre-Nuptial Inquiry (PNI) Yes Yes Use of a Couple Intake Form Yes Rarely Use of a Relationship Assessment/Inventory Yes Usually Waiting to Set Wedding Date Yes Sometimes Reviewing the Assessment Yes Sometimes Discussing All Assessment Items that Indicate a Need to Discuss and Yes Rarely Corresponding Worksheets Use of a Sponsor or Mentor Couple Yes Rarely Allowing the Engaged Couple to Choose their Own Sponsor/Mentor Yes No Couple Encouraging growth in virtue for both the Engaged Couple and their Yes No Mentors Training of the Mentor Couple by Parish Staff or Volunteers Yes Sometimes Asking the Engaged Couple to Attend Church with their Sponsor/ Yes No Mentor Asking the Engaged Couple to Make a Holy Hour Yes No Following up the Diocesan or Parish Marriage Prep Conference with Yes Rarely the opportunity for dialogue with their Priest or Deacon in the home of their mentor couple Use of a Personalized Follow up and Support System to Integrate Yes No Engaged and Newly Married Couples into their Parishes Have the Avenue of a Mentor to Reach out to the Engaged and Yes No eventually Newly Married Couple to Offer Marriage Enrichment

Witness to Love addresses the gaps in the standard process . The engaged couple’s relationship with their mentor couple is the first step in their journey into entering the ecclesial community .

We have seen the fruit of the suggestion from the 1981 Synod on the Family in our own parish as young couples witness the life and the love of older married couples:

Wintess to Love | 11 Young married couples should learn to accept willingly, and make good use of, the discrete, tactful and generous help offered by other couples that already have more experience of married and family life. (FC69) .

Pope Francis reiterates this same suggestion in his apostolic exhortation, Amoris Laetitia:

…experienced couples have an important role to play. The parish is a place where such experienced couples can help younger couples …(AL223)

It could also be helpful to ask older married couples to help younger couples in the neighborhood by visiting them and offering guidance in the early years of marriage. (AL230)

We have also seen these married couples grow in their own marriages as a fruit of sharing their love with another couple . How could we have overlooked for so long something so simple, effective, and accessible? Perhaps the reason is as simple as the lack of a system or setting for connecting and supporting these couples . Witness to Love offers just such a system and resources for introducing and maintaining this process of formation, conversion, discipleship and accompaniment .

Wintess to Love | 12 ❒❒ The Role and Qualities of Mentors in the Witness to Love Process ● The Role of the Mentor Couple ● The “Big” Questions About Mentors ● Choosing Mentors and What They Will Do

The Role of the Mentor Couple

The mentor couple plays a critical and dynamic role in the engaged couple’s marriage journey . Mentors are lifelines connecting the engaged couple to the wellspring of their church and helping to integrate them into the parish’s life . The mentor couple, however, is not expected to cover material with the engaged couple that is moral or theological in nature . Most mentors are not, and they know they are not, adequately prepared to cover this material, and so they will likely be relieved to know that they won’t be asked to do so .

What the Witness to Love workbook is designed to do, though, is to draw and build upon the strengths of mentor couples, even from those who are not well-formed in Catholic doctrine . These strengths are relational ones based upon the acquired virtues, such as friendship, humility, and patience . These virtues are what caused the engaged couple to notice the mentor couple in the first place, and they are also the virtues the engaged couple hopes to acquire and then practice in their own marriages .

The mentor couple is not a counselor, a theologian or an “expert ”. They are simply witnesses who are further ahead in the journey of living out the incredible Sacrament of Marriage . As they serve in the role of mentor to the engaged couple who chose them they too will grow in their marriage and in their appreciation of the sacrament they received many years earlier .

The “Big” Questions About Mentors

What happens when an engaged couple chooses a mentor couple who is not well-formed in Catholic teaching about marriage or, worse yet, does not agree with it, such as the prohibition of contraception?

As mentioned above, the mentor couple is not expected to cover material that is moral or theological in nature with the engaged couple . Catholic moral and theological material is covered in a formal instructional class, retreat, online program or weekend conference that a parish or diocese provides, and that both the engaged couple and the mentor couple are asked to attend . Then, sometime after this formal instruction, the priest (or deacon) meets with the engaged couple and mentor couple during the prescribed Theology Discussion Night to unpack the moral and theological material that was covered in the formal instruction . This meeting provides an opportunity of personal evangelization and catechesis for both the engaged and mentor couple, answering their questions about Catholic teaching and clearing up any confusion .

This Theology Discussion Night is an amazing opportunity for the priest (or deacon) to personally evangelize the engaged and mentor couples, as well as to clear up any confusion of the Church’s authentic teaching regarding sexuality and fertility awareness . When a newly married couple is looking for answers to their questions or struggles they will often turn to the friends that they trust the most . It is critical for us to coach the married couple that they admire the most so that this couple can then become a true resource for the newly married couple . We have seen over and over again the long-term value of working with someone whom the engaged couple chooses .

Pastors share with us many stories of mentors who have conversions . Why do so many of these mentors have conversions? Because grace builds on nature . These mentors are some of the best couples out there and once they have begun to work on the virtues, received an introduction to the Church’s teachings and welcomed Father or Deacon into their home, it is so easy for their hearts to be open . The tragedy is not that we have couples who are not formed . The tragedy would be if we never opened them up to formation . Make room for the Holy Spirit! He is working in their hearts in ways that we cannot .

Wintess to Love | 13 What happens when an engaged couple is not acquainted with any married couples or they just don’t know a couple who meets the mentor guidelines?

The Witness to Love paradigm can still work well in situations like this . The engaged couple simply goes to Mass and, afterward, approaches a couple whom they admire and to whom they feel drawn .

Large parishes might offer the following aids to engaged couples who are seeking a mentor at Mass:

1 . Provide a sampling of potential mentor couples on the parish website or in a booklet . The list of 5 - 10 couples should include married couples from many different backgrounds . Ask the mentor couples to write their own bio and provide a picture . Make sure to offer marriage enrichment to them . 2 . Have “showcase” couples who have been given some preparation for the mentorship role and who are made visible to engaged couples during Mass . This can include couples serving in the choir, as Extraordinary Ministers of Holy Communion, as lectors, and so forth .

The essential key, however it happens, is that the engaged couple chooses and asks their mentor couple for guidance . “Matchmaking” for them has proven to be much less likely to result in a long-term relationship .

If the engaged couple will be moving home after the wedding you may consider “Skype training” a mentor couple whom they choose and who is living in the town where they will reside after the wedding . This is more common at churches in big cities and universities, at destination wedding locations and in the military . The bottom line is to help the engaged couple chose and connect with a married couple and a parish where they are most likely to benefit long term .

Choosing a Mentor and What They Will Do

It is very important to coach the engaged couple properly so that they can choose the right mentor couple . Ask them to prayerfully choose a couple:

• Whom they both admire • Whom they both are comfortable with • Who practices and is active in their Catholic Faith • Who attends church regularly • Who has been married in the Church for five years or more (if the engaged couple is immature or had a rough outcome on their inventory then you may want to make the requirement ten years or more) • Who are in good standing with the Church • Whom they can look at and say “I would be happy to have a marriage like that,” or “I love the way they talk to each other and to their kids” • Who attends your church parish or the parish where they will be attending church after the wedding . They do not have to know the couple well or even at all • Whom they feel will hold them accountable, inspire them and challenge them • Who is, preferably, not an immediate relative unless the couple that they both are most comfortable with and admire happens to be a relative • Who will take their role seriously • Who is not be a peer or a “buddy”

The key things that a mentor does and therefore must understand are:

• The importance of their commitment and their prayers for the engaged couple • The need for staying connected and continuing to meet after the wedding • Their role as a source of reliable emotional and practical support for the engaged couple, which is most especially needed during challenging times in the engagement and future marriage

Wintess to Love | 14 • How their wisdom, witness and consistent support will assist the engaged couple to take a deeper, more open and honest look at themselves, their relationship together, and their relationship with God • That they will have six formal meetings using the workbook and video content • One of the six meetings will include Father/Deacon and will be at the mentor couple’s home if possible • They will attend, with the engaged couple, a formal instructional class, retreat, online program or weekend conference that their parish or diocese provides • Their responsibility in coordinating with the engaged couple to schedule the Theology Discussion Night . Their Theology Discussion Night should be scheduled through the parish office as soon as their formal instruction is scheduled . (Ideally the Theology Discussion Night is within two weeks of the formal instruction) • Their responsibility to keep the engaged couple accountable through the Scavenger Hunt Form that the Marriage Prep Coordinator will send them after the first coaching session . They must sign and date items on this list as they complete them with the engaged couple . • They will also need to log into the Witness to Love online classroom and watch the videos with the engaged couple and answer survey questions after Chapters 4 & 6 in order for the engaged couple to complete the course . • They will go on a double date outdoor adventure (planned by both of the men), go to church together once or twice a month (depending on where they live and attend church), make a Holy Hour together, and anything else put on their Scavenger Hunt . • They should encourage the engaged couple after the wedding, invite them to church, small groups and support them when children come along . • Assuming, and so long as, the engaged couple wants to remain in a relationship with them, this is a lifelong commitment of prayer, support, friendship, witness and community . • They should know that they are not expected to be experts in all things and that they should reach out for help should the engaged couple face significant marital issues or challenges .

Wintess to Love | 15 ❒❒ Attachment Theory ● Why Attachment Theory? ● A Bridge of Trust: Felt Security ● The Importance of Attachment Theory in Mentoring

Why Attachment Theory?

Attachment theory is a well-researched model of how people develop a sense of “felt security” and basic trust in close relationships . A person’s history of attachment experiences shapes the current pattern of their relational thoughts, feelings, and behaviors . Through the Witness to Love model we bring hope for a lasting ecclesial relationship with an engaged couple through their connection to the mentors they are attracted to, trust and choose . An enduring bond between the two couples is developed through carefully constructed activities, conversations, and virtue development .

A Bridge of Trust: Felt Security

As research has demonstrated, if a person trusts that his support figure will be present and responsive to his basic needs for safety and security, he will feel more at peace during times of distress and will respond more effectively to a wide variety of personal and interpersonal challenges . Rather than falling back to anxiety-induced unhealthy coping styles that contribute to interpersonal dysfunction and distorted perceptions, the secure individual is familiar with and can utilize additional resources in order to better resolve problems .

A major factor contributing to insecurity and even mental health concerns such as depression is role transition . Significant changes can be greatly challenging and even disruptive, requiring additional support to help individuals effectively manage the ups and downs during these phases of life . The transition to married life is no exception . Attachment theory considers some of the main interpersonal dynamics (e .g ., experienced safety and security and how to fulfill these needs) necessary for individuals to feel genuinely supported and secure in order to more calmly and capably address these difficulties . If newly married couples have a secure connection to another couple they are more likely to work through difficulties and seek help when needed .

The Importance of Attachment Theory in Mentoring

The fulfillment of God’s own strategy to draw sinful man back into communion with Him extended immeasurably beyond the role of the prophets who had called us to repentance and taught us how to live . He also knew that ultimately it would be essential for Him to reach us in person, in the flesh, through His incarnate Son . His Messenger, Christ, is Himself every bit as important as the message He came to bring . Indeed the Messenger was and is the message! Thus, through His Son, the message of God includes a Person who not only verbally communicates to and with us but also provides a living witness to His commitment to love, support and provides us security on our journey to Heaven .

It is likewise with our strategy in welcoming an engaged couple into fellowship with God and communion with His Church . Yes, there are essential things for them to learn . If the engaged couple’s love is not merely to survive but also develop and thrive in their future marriage, it is critical during their engagement that they learn and develop virtue, that is, a habitual and firm disposition to doing good (CCC no . 1803) . By encouraging them to transform areas of weakness into areas of strength, we will help set them on what we hope will be their lifelong goal together: living life in a virtuous way, made easier through the sacramental graces received at their wedding and throughout their marriage . But following the model of God’s own incarnational catechesis, we not only teach this way of living to them, we incarnate it for them in the form of their chosen sponsor couple . This combination of teaching accompanied by the sponsors’ witness, relationship and investment in them will reach to the core of the engaged couple’s emotional needs for safety and security .

Wintess to Love | 16 Premarital instruction given without the security of a mentor relationship will likely lose over time much of its influence and transformative power . But the same instruction sown in the context of a relationship with a trusted, well-formed mentor couple will much more likely take root, grow and blossom during the engaged couple’s relationship and into their marriage . The Witness to Love methodology presupposes that life-giving relationships are required for authentic human growth and flourishing .

Wintess to Love | 17 Chapter Two How It Works 1A & 1B, & 2

❒❒ 1.A Who or What is Involved? The Team: ● Priest/Deacon ● Marriage Prep Coordinator ● Engaged Couple ● Mentor Couple

❒❒ 1.B Who or What is Involved? The Resources: ● Online Training Series ● Workbook ● Video Series ● Mentors’ Journey ● Additional Free Resources

❒❒ 2. Eight Steps to Fruitful Engagement and Formation ● First Meeting with Clergy ● Coaching Session with Marriage Prep Coordinator ● Monthly Meeting with Mentor Couple ● Parish/Diocesan Engaged Couples Retreat (Mentors Invited) ● Theology Discussion at Mentors’ Home ● An Invitation to Relationship With the Parish ● Wedding Day! ● Continued Accompaniment by Mentor Couple and Parish

Wintess to Love | 18 ❒❒ 1.A Who or What is Involved? The Team: ● Priest/Deacon ● Marriage Prep Coordinator (MPC) ● Engaged Couple ● Mentor Couple

The Priest or Deacon

Often clergy who do a great deal of marriage preparation look at our process and wonder if their role will be diminished because of the relationship between the engaged couple and their mentors . Not only will their role not be diminished but the fruits of their interaction with both the engaged couple and the mentor couple will be more far-reaching, personal, and filled with opportunities for conversation and evangelization .

When you meet with these two couples on the Theology Discussion Night they will have been working hard together for at least four meetings . You will walk into an environment that will be unlike anything you have experienced in your marriage preparation experience . The soil will be tilled and fertile for conversion .

The process begins when the priest or deacon first welcomes the engaged couple to the parish and coaches them to choose their mentors . He introduces the process, not all at one time but in bite sized pieces prepping them for what they will do next . . One of the goals here is to derail the checklist or minimalist attitude, both on their part and the parish’s .

Even before that first meeting with the engaged couple, though, the priest or deacon should let his staff know that no wedding dates may go on the parish calendar until the engaged couple has found their mentor, taken their FOCCUS/Prepare/Fully Engaged and had the initial meeting with the Marriage Prep Coordinator . This is critical for the process to work and to be fair to everyone involved . The clergy’s role should not be focused on the rules, payments and paperwork . The clergy’s role is to be Christ .

Ideally, the clergy meets with the engaged couple a third time (the first being the initial meeting and the second being at the Theology Discussion Night) one month before the wedding to review the wedding rehearsal and required paperwork . This final meeting will serve as a wonderful opportunity to offer another warm welcome to parish life and plant further seeds of evangelization . However, if a priest or deacon feels himself too busy to participate in each of the three meetings, he can choose the initial welcome and prenuptial inquiry and the Theology Discussion Night and delegate the final wrap-up meeting to the Marriage Prep Coordinator .

Many clergy feel weary, even disheartened, when it comes to marriage prep, having seen so many couples divorce and seek annulments in the following years . Some clergy even say that they prefer a funeral mass to a wedding mass . We understand . The good news is that many priests and deacons have received new energy for marriage-prep upon seeing the parish renewal that flows fromWitness to Love . When pastors see young married couples participating in parish life, couples who are excited about their Catholic faith and who have encountered Our Lord in a personal way, they see new life in their parishes and likewise renewed hope for Catholic marriages .

The Marriage Prep Coordinator

The Marriage Prep Coordinator is key for the Witness to Love process to work properly . The role can be assumed by a priest who has very few weddings, but more commonly it is a deacon, a lay individual or a couple, or a religious . Ideally it is someone over the age of 30, an evangelist, approachable, good with details, and who can make sure materials are reordered, spreadsheets are updated and everyone has their access codes . This person should also be passionate about the sacrament of marriage, indeed a marriage champion!

Wintess to Love | 19 The Marriage Prep Coordinator sets the tone for how marriage preparation happens in the Parish and has many roles . He or she 1) provides a visible face inviting the engaged couple into the life of the parish, 2) coaches the mentor couples in their role, 3) is known to all in the parish as the marriage prep “go to” person, 4) is available to help and to support the engaged couple and the mentors both before and after the wedding, 5) is an ongoing mentor to the mentors, letting them know about upcoming retreats and parish events, 6) might host get togethers for couples over the years . In short, the Witness to Love MPC has a broad, deep and lasting role .

Depending on the history, location and size of the parish some of the duties of the Marriage Prep Coordinator could vary . In some parishes the Marriage Prep Coordinators will review the pre-marital inventory/questionnaire (ie . FOCCUS, Prepare-Enrich, Fully Engaged) with each engaged couple and also offer ongoing support and formation to the mentor couple and the engaged couple . In a larger parish, though, the Marriage Prep Coordinator may delegate the actual reviews of the questionnaire and the initial meeting with the engaged couple to “coaches” who have been trained in Witness to Love . Coaches basically do all the things that a Marriage Prep Coordinator would do but the Marriage Prep Coordinator is the point person and will assign engaged couples to each coach . The suggested number of coaches per parish is based on the number of weddings per year . For example, a parish with 50 weddings per year is encouraged to have a Marriage Prep Coordinator who supervises 5-8 coaches and keeps track of the couples and what they need . The coach or Marriage Prep Coordinator would usually meet with an engaged couple and their mentors twice .

Engaged Couple or Civilly Married Couple

Today’s engaged couples often come from homes in which their parents and even their grandparents have divorced . They are starving for the witness, example and security of stable, healthy relationships . They know they want to stay married but they have no idea what that takes or even what it looks like . There is a wisdom gap of marriage mentors, a void of credible witnesses .

They have other troubling features . Many of these engaged couples have been living together, already have children together or children from a previous relationship, have addictions (e g. ,. alcohol, drugs, pornography), are estranged from their families, and may have broken off their relationship with each other two or three times . Other couples, whether they present obvious problems or not, will come to us wearing “Rose-Colored Glasses” and may not be very open to practical insights .

There are also, thankfully, some engaged couples in which both come from healthy, intact families, are happily in love, are living chastely and otherwise in harmony with their Catholic faith, have comparatively few relationship issues to work on and are open to learn and grow . Depending on the demographics and dynamics of the parish where you work or volunteer you may see many, few or none of these .

But regardless of their varied backgrounds, all couples coming to the Church for the Sacrament of Marriage, whether old or young, well-catechized or not, civilly married or not, can benefit from mentors . By their living example and guidance a mentor couple can help every one of these couples better understand the difference between:

• being engaged and being married • living together and creating a home and family together • between having sex together and having a sacrament together • waking up next to someone with whom you share a bed and waking up next to a spouse to whom your obligation is to be Christ, to witness His Love, and to help him or her to Heaven • merely surviving or enduring life together and actually celebrating, creating, and giving life to one another

Wintess to Love | 20 Mentor Couple

After seven years of interviewing over 500 couples to better understand why so many newlyweds were MIA from their parishes, we realized that even the best diocesan conferences, mandatory natural family planning classes, and above-and- beyond parish programs — which included marriage catechesis and mentor couples selected by the pastor — were not working . Couples were still not connecting to their parish community and they saw the Church as more of a sacramental vending machine at best or at worst as the taskmaster of a list of requirements to be completed before giving permission to “use” the building .

Over the years we asked every engaged couple the same line of questions: “Would you like to have a marriage like your parents, or, if not, is there some other couple whose marriage you both admire?” We repeatedly found that this essential piece was missing . There was no existing relationship of trust, no secure attachment to a supportive married couple . This was the case even when the parish had assigned them a mentor couple during their marriage prep process . These now newlywed couples were not reaching out to their assigned mentor couple even when their marriage was in trouble, and most of the time it was because they had not established a secure relationship with them . But when they had attached themselves, either before, during or after their marriage prep, to the security of a trusted relationship, then not only could their Christian formation, growth in virtue, and discipleship be brought to a whole new level, but support was readily available to them if and when their relationship got in trouble . This missing piece became the cornerstone of the Witness to Love model .

Mentors who meet the basic requirements of this model (see requirements in section one on the role of the mentors) serve an essential part of the marriage prep team as the “trusted” means of sharing with the engaged couple the truths about marriage revealed by and through Jesus Christ . With the strength and depth of their “trusted” relationship with their mentors, the engaged couple’s marriage is more likely to remain strong, formed from love, continuously strengthened by good catechesis, and regularly nourished by prayers and a sacramental life . Encounters with Christ, deep and lasting conversions, and more thorough integration into parish life will consistently occur for both the mentors and the engaged couple .

A strong virtues-based catechumenate model of marriage renewal and preparation builds on the power of attraction that led the engaged couple to choose their mentor couple . The engaged couple’s chosen mentor couple becomes their primary vehicle of trust and source of faith formation and integration into the parish . Through the sharing of the “chosen” mentor couple’s own journey, the engaged couple inherits a “lifeline” of support to help them in their ongoing commitment to Jesus Christ and His Church . Their mentors can serve as a basic source of sound reasoning, help them navigate through the challenges of conflict and poor communication and can guide them toward professional counseling when necessary, for instance, when issues such as mental health and addictions arise .

The trusted sponsor or mentor can also provide a valuable reality check to young couples by correcting tendencies toward isolation that can destroy marriages before they begin . During the engagement process mentors help to reveal the exciting and demanding realities of Christian marriage as something that must be “chosen ”. In this model the engaged couple experiences felt security . Marriage is always a huge transition and like all transitions in life, can be an occasion of insecurity . But it can also be an opportunity to establish a renewed sense of safety and security, namely, by opening up and sharing their lives with trusted persons .

In summary, by choosing a married couple they admire, know and trust, rather than having one selected for them, the engaged couple generally has from Day One a sense of security that will allow them to bond and open up to their mentors. Couples benefit greatly when they can rely upon another couple, whom they have chosen, to help them confront the painful things they might need to change about themselves and address their insecurities . Without such a connection, a newly married couple can tend to rely on unhealthy coping strategies, which almost always become destructive in a marriage . The early years set a foundation that will be, for better or for worse, hard to change . Providing couples a “voice of hope” with a go-to mentor couple, especially when navigating those first five years, is essentially preventative intervention .

Wintess to Love | 21 ❒❒ 1.B Who or What is Involved? The Resources: ● Online Training Series ● Workbook ● Video Series ● Mentors’ Journey ● Additional Free Resources

Witness to Love Training Series

Witness to Love’s marriage prep training for clergy, family life directors, and parish marriage prep coordinators tells the story of how this ministry began and includes a video of an actual meeting with a real engaged couple, their mentor couple, and their marriage prep coordinator . Upon completing Witness to Love’s online (or live) training you will have access to all videos, PDFs and other resources as well the ability to order materials in bulk . The training includes individualized feedback and consultation on your specific parish’s or diocese’s needs and processes .

The online materials are constantly being updated to bring you the latest resources while always keeping the core content to approximately 3 hours in length .

Workbook

The Witness to Love workbook is key to the process . It was developed in consultation with psychologists, clergy, and theologians so as to provide the best resource for engaged couples to grow in virtue with their mentor couples . The workbook strategically pairs life-skills with key virtues that are necessary for healthy marriages . While foundations for deeper moral and theological conversations are laid throughout the workbook, we were careful not to present these issues in such a way as would put the mentor couple in a position of having to cover material they are not equipped to cover . As stated above, the moral and theological teachings about marriage are reserved for the formal instructional class, retreat, online program or weekend conference that a parish or diocese provides, as well as the Theology of Marriage night with the priest or deacon .

The workbook is divided into six chapters . Chapters 1 through 4 focus on relational virtues . At the end of chapter four there is an “Examination of Life” (“Examination of Conscience ”). In between sessions 4 and 5 the engaged couple and their mentors are expected to go on a retreat at their parish or diocese . Chapter 5 facilitates unpacking what was heard at the retreat, encourages the mentor couple to give witness to how God has worked in their marriage, and allows the engaged couple to formulate questions . There is also a section for the clergy to share their vocation story, cover details of Church teaching that may not have been covered at the retreat and plan for the wedding day homily .

The workbook focuses on strengthening the marriages of both the engaged and mentor couples while also forming and deepening the relationship between them . It is a tool designed for both marriage preparation and marriage enrichment .

Video Series

We know from experience that it can be difficult to get the conversation ball rolling . We also know, though, that when we see others opening up, being raw and vulnerable about their joys and struggles, that we become far more likely to feel comfortable sharing our own thoughts and feelings .

With this in mind, we produced a video series to be used along with our workbook . A brief video of a married couple sharing their own story sets the stage for each lesson . These couples come from very different backgrounds and yet each couple’s

Wintess to Love | 22 unique witness beautifully illuminates the virtue in the chapter their story is paired with . Their story is meant to prompt dialogue and challenge both the engaged couple and their mentors to go more deeply into conversation .

Overall, the videos were filmed to bring the workbook to life and show the engaged couples the beauty and power of a sacramental marriage .

Mentor’s Journey

The Mentor’s Journey: How Your Marriage Can Change the World is the perfect guide for any mentor or married couple who is looking to strengthen their marriage and learn to share their marriage with others . This is a 44 page book with discussion questions and resources geared for deep conversation and marriage enrichment . Perfect for the busy couple!

Additional Resources

On the Witness to Love parish roll out page there are additional editable and printable resources for introducing Witness to Love in the parish setting . These resources are constantly updated based on feedback from pastors, diocesan family life directors and marriage prep coordinators .

Wintess to Love | 23 ❒❒ 2. Eight Steps to Fruitful Engagement and Formation ● First Meeting with Clergy ● Coaching Session with Marriage Prep Coordinator ● Monthly Meeting with Mentor Couple ● Parish/Diocesan Engaged Couples Retreat (Mentors Invited) ● Theology Discussion at Mentors’ Home ● An Invitation to Relationship With the Parish ● Wedding Day! ● Continued Accompaniment by Mentor Couple and Parish

First Meeting with Clergy

The priest or deacon plays a profound role in the formation and integration of an engaged/newly married couple into the life of the parish . Below are some suggestions for working with these couples as they prepare for the Sacrament of Matrimony . These points were compiled from the real-life experiences of priests and deacons who have worked with hundreds of couples using the Witness to Love program .

While we would hope these notes would be interesting and helpful to anyone involved in marriage prep, please realize that they are built upon and presuppose use of the Witness to Love structure and flow .

#1 . Structure of the First Meeting with Clergy:

• The priest or deacon warmly welcomes the engaged couple . • His primary goal is providing an informal orientation to the marriage prep process, with a focus on listening to them . • He gauges where they are in their walk with Christ . • He asks them about their first date, their engagement, their jobs, schooling or family life . • He assures them that while the marriage prep process includes some work, it will also be helpful to them and even fun . • He lets them know that the parish uses a marriage mentor or sponsor couple in the marriage prep process and that they will be not only be allowed but asked to choose this couple using the tips below .

Tips for Helping Engaged Couples Discern a Mentor Couple

It is very important to coach the engaged couple properly so that they can choose the right mentor couple . Ask them to prayerfully consider their choice of a couple whom:

• Whom they both admire • Whom they both are comfortable with • Who practices and is active in their Catholic Faith • Who attends church regularly • Who has been married in the Church for five years or more (if the engaged couple is immature or had a rough outcome on their inventory then you may want to make the requirement ten years or more) • Who are in good standing with the Church • Whom they can look at and say “I would be happy to have a marriage like that,” or “I love the way they talk to each other and to their kids” • Who attends your church parish or the parish where they will be attending church after the wedding . They do not have to know the couple well or even at all • Whom they feel will hold them accountable, inspire them and challenge them • Who is, preferably, not an immediate relative unless the couple that they both are most comfortable with and admire happens to be a relative Wintess to Love | 24 • Who will take their role seriously • Who is not be a peer or a “buddy”

The Dynamic of the Initial Meeting Between Clergy and Engaged Couple

Be informal and welcoming . Be a good listener and make them feel encouraged . Meet them where they are and reinforce their interest to marry in the Church . At this meeting the priest or deacon creates the foundation for a relationship between not only him and the couple, but also the couple and the parish, increasing the likelihood that both he and the parish will walk with the couple on their journey into and with the ecclesial community .

• Let them know that they need to identify their mentor / sponsor couple prior to meeting with the Marriage Prep Coordinator . • Briefly let them know about the inventory that is used in the parish (e .g ., Prepare/Enrich, FOCCUS, or Fully Engaged), where they will go to take it, why it is important, and how it will be used . • Gauge where they are with regards to Natural Family Planning and let them know that they will be taking a class in that as well . This class can be in person or online . • Let them know that everything we are asking them to do is for the health of their future marriage and their relationship . • Briefly discuss the formal instructional class, retreat, online program or weekend conference that they will be going to and begin the Pre-nuptial Inquiry with them . But do not make this the focus of that first meeting . • The only paperwork the priest or deacons fills out with them is the Pre-Nuptial Interrogation . Any anxiety that might caused by filling that form out should be offset by keeping the focus of the meeting on getting to know them . • Determine and review any need for follow up with respect to canonical permissions and dispensations . • Let them know that once they complete their inventory (Prepare-Enrich, FOCCUS or Fully Engaged) someone will contact them and set up a time to meet with both them and the sponsors/mentors they will have chosen so that they can begin the process together with them . • Let them know the Mass and Confession times and any other upcoming parish events . • Introduce them to the parish secretary or others in the office that they might need to call someday . • Immediately after they leave, fill-out the Witness to Love Intake Form,* reread the PNI for any corrections and then add their info to the Google Spreadsheet (or simply give the WTL Intake form to a parish staff person to enter into the Google Doc) . If this is not done immediately, it may never be done at all or some of the information might be remembered only partially or even incorrectly .

*The Witness to Love Intake Form - This is a simple form for the priest or deacon to use after his first meeting with the engaged couple . He answers questions about the couple’s spiritual development, opportunities for evangelization, if they have children already, how they met, where they work… anything that will give the Marriage Prep Coordinator insight into how best to welcome and reach out to the couple . This helps ensure that the “baton” is passed effectively from the clergy to the Marriage Prep Coordinator . The MP Coordinator or the priest / deacon then also enters this information onto the “Google Spreadsheet” . The priest / deacon may want to it before a meeting or a follow up phone call with the couple to help refresh the memory . Perhaps one of them had a parent who was dying, a job interview, a big trip coming up… these are all things that can be noted on the form to help everyone on the ecclesial team be more effective witnesses to the love of Christ .

Note: When a couple approaches the Church to request the Sacrament of Marriage, whether they are recently engaged or already civilly married, they may have conflicted or varying desires for the sacrament . But whatever a particular couple’s situation might be we should always assume there is something good motivating or attracting them to receive the sacrament . At this first meeting we should focus on helping them to see and articulate for themselves what that good thing is that is drawing them to the Church, i .e ., drawing them to Christ .

Wintess to Love | 25 In summary, the goals of the priest’s or deacon’s first meeting with the engaged couple are to welcome them to the parish, meet them where they are at, establish a relationship with them, help them get to know the life of the parish(ministries, events, adult education opportunities, etc ). and begin the process of discipling and walking with them . The enthusiasm and warmth they encounter from the clergy are vital in nurturing in them a desire to know more about the sacrament and an excitement to receive it . But it is also critical that they do not leave assuming that they have a wedding date on the calendar . This is just the beginning of a process .

Coaching Session with Marriage Prep Coordinator

This meeting builds upon the foundation for the marriage prep process first set by the priest or deacon . The engaged couple should sense continuity between what they heard from Father or Deacon, and this continuity will reinforce their sense of security and safety . The Mentors will likewise need to understand how their role connects with everything else the engaged couple is experiencing .

The Structure: • If possible, this first encounter takes place in the Marriage Prep Coordinator’s home. If that is not possible it can also take place at the mentor couple’s home.

• Prior to the engaged couple arriving, the MP Coordinator will have: ◦◦ Reviewed the Intake Form and the Premarital Inventory (PMI) Assessment ◦◦ Created a list of discussion questions and worksheets (if available) for the sponsors/mentors to use with the engaged couple . ◦◦ Written a thank you note to the mentor couple . ◦◦ Set aside one Witness to Love Mentor’s Journey and three Witness to Love Couple Workbooks (one workbook for the mentor couple to share and two for the engaged couple) .

• The engaged couple is asked to arrive first, approximately 30-60 minutes before the sponsors/mentors, (Note: this only applies if the MPC is trained in reviewing a premarital inventory): ◦◦ After brief introductions the engaged couple is given an overview of their PMI . ◦◦ They are asked if a copy of the PMI’s general summary and findings can be given to their sponsor/mentor couple . ◦◦ Do not give the sponsors/mentors the full Facilitator’s Report but only a copy of the overview . ◦◦ Any difficult issues in the PMI are touched upon by the MPC with the engaged couple before the sponsors/ mentors arrive . If needed they can stay after the sponsors/mentors leave or come back for an additional meeting . ◦◦ If their PMI is particularly challenging the engaged couple could be asked to arrive 90 minutes early or the MPC could even schedule a separate meeting with them to review their inventory . Many couples will benefit from counseling as well . ◦◦ The MPC may need to ask specific questions about any red flag or hot button issues, while also letting them know that resources for those issues will be available in the Scavenger Hunt List .

• Sponsors/Mentors Arrive: There is a pause in the process, introductions are exchanged, a group prayer is said and, usually, the overall tone of the gathering becomes more relaxed and informal . ◦◦ The engaged couple is asked to share how they got to know their mentors . ◦◦ They are asked to share why they chose their sponsors/mentors, and the specific qualities in their marriage that the engaged couple would like to see in their own marriage . ◦◦ This is a moment of encouragement and bonding for the engaged couple and their sponsor/mentor as they begin to share .

Wintess to Love | 26 ◦◦ Often the sponsor/mentor couple does not see their relationship the way the engaged couple sees their relationship . ○ This process is commonly the beginning of a marriage renewal for the mentor couple .

• The Sponsors/Mentors are coached by the Marriage Prep Coordinator in the presence of the Engaged Couple on: ◦◦ How to mentor ◦◦ How to share their marriage ◦◦ How to use the Witness to Love Mentor’s Journey and Couple Workbook ◦◦ How to discuss a question together prior to discussing it with the engaged couple ◦◦ The importance of sharing not just stories but the part of the story that will impact the engaged couple’s choices in the future ◦◦ How to use the worksheets that come with the PMI (not all PMI have worksheets) ◦◦ What is expected from them throughout the process ◦◦ The importance of their commitment and their prayers for the engaged couple ◦◦ The need for staying connected and continue meeting after the wedding ◦◦ Their role as a source of reliable emotional and practical support for the engaged couple, which is most especially needed during challenging times in the engagement and future marriage . ◦◦ How their wisdom, witness and consistent support will assist the engaged couple in taking a deeper, more open and honest look at themselves, their relationship with one another, and their relationship with God . ◦◦ How often they will meet, how long each meeting will be, and what they will cover during those six meetings ◦◦ One of the six meetings that will include Father/Deacon and will be at their home if possible ◦◦ Their responsibility to be in charge of coordinating with the Engaged Couple to schedule the Theology Discussion Night . Because the priest or deacon will be present at this meeting it should be scheduled through the parish office as soon as their formal instructional class, retreat, online program or weekend/one day conference/retreat is scheduled ◦◦ Their responsibility to keep the Engaged Couple accountable through the Scavenger Hunt Form that you will send them . They must sign and date items on this list as they complete them with the Engaged Couple . The Scavenger Hunt list contains both fun and practical items for both the sponsor/mentor and engaged couple .

The MPC should follow up with both couples to make sure they have the parish specific link to the Witness to Love web based app in order to access the video series . Ideally the MPC would email them these links .

The Dynamic - Initially there may be some anxiety at this meeting, but as it progresses and especially as the sponsors/ mentors understand and begin to take on their role, any tension eases and the bond, respect and comfort they have with each other become evident . Usually even after they leave the MPC’s home they will stand at their cars and talk or they will head out to grab a meal together . The engaged couple’s journey toward secure attachment and conversion has begun .

Monthly Meetings with Mentor Couple

To help the engaged couple and their mentors build their relationship they are encouraged to precede each of their six monthly meetings with a double date . The meetings that follow should last no longer than about 60 to 75 minutes and normally should take place at the mentor couple’s home . (The outline for these meetings is listed on the back of the Mentor Guide which is given with their workbook at the initial coaching session with the MPC ). Having the monthly meetings in their home and not in a classroom not only provides a more warm and welcoming environment but also provides an enhanced opportunity for the mentor couple to model what it means to be a domestic church .

The engaged couple will naturally expect and need a list of things to do in the marriage prep process, but we wanted them to perceive that list not merely as a series of hoops to jump through but as a journey . So we carefully designed a list that would move them through their marriage prep while simultaneously both enhancing their relationship and connecting

Wintess to Love | 27 them to the Church. We called it the “Scavenger Hunt List” to take the emphasis off getting to the finish line and to put it more on what they would encounter on their journey. Woven into the requirements the engaged couple expected are several fun or challenging things they did not expect . The majority of items on this list are intended to be done by both couples together:

• Make a holy hour together • Go on a double date or outdoor adventure • Go to Mass together at least twice a month • Meet six times to discuss the Witness to Love workbook follow up questions, and worksheets • Watch and discuss the movie “Fireproof” • Read an article on the “Five Love Languages” or “The Temperament God Gave Your Spouse” • Take an NFP class (engaged couples only) • Go together to the formal instructional class, retreat, online program or weekend conference sponsored by the parish or diocese • Complete the Pre-marital Inventory (engaged couple only) • Find a couple who’s been married 50 years or more and ask them their secret to a life-long marriage • Go to a parish function together • Ask the engaged couple to go out on a date once a week • Anything else that the mentor couple feels their engaged couple needs to do

We have found that couples already living together are, ironically, often disconnected from each other and likely to greatly benefit from a weekly date night, especially if they already have children . We suggest they take turns planning their date nights, always taking into account the other’s preferences and not their own .

If we assign a weekly date on their “Scavenger Hunt List” we also ask the engaged couple to be accountable about this to their sponsors/mentors, letting them know each week what they did on their date and even giving them “proof” that they did it . If the Mentors do not hear from the engaged couple by the end of each Sunday they should check in . This is meant to build up the relationship between the two couples and not intended to imply that the mentors cannot trust their engaged couple . For example, a texted photo of them at a restaurant or going for a hike . When the mentors receive the picture they should remember to pray for their engaged couple . Some mentors will turn the pictures they receive into a photo book for their engaged couple and give it to them on the wedding day .

When and how to follow up with a couple throughout the process

The MPC should set aside a regular day, perhaps once a month or week depending upon the parish’s wedding volume, to review notes and other information in the Google Spreadsheet . See who you are waiting to hear back from, what you may need from them or what they may need from you . If they met with Father/Deacon more than two months ago for the Welcoming Meeting but you still do not have an Assessment/Inventory/PMI for them, then give them a call . They are usually grateful for the reminder . A call to the couple can also help avoid having to rush the Sponsors/Mentors to get through their six meetings . Ideally Engaged Couples meet with their Sponsors/Mentors once a month for six months leading up to their wedding . While most couples contact the parish more than six months before their wedding, many of them do not follow up in a timely fashion to the instructions they received during their Welcoming Meeting . To help them stay on track, the MPC should calendar these markers:

• Within 24 hours of the MPC’s first meeting with the engaged and sponsor couples, follow up with the Scavenger Hunt List via email . • 2-3 months later contact the engaged couple to see if they are on track with their meetings and to see if they have any questions . Ask if there are any additional resources they might need from you . • One month before the wedding the MPC or in some cases the priest or deacon, should either meet in person or over the phone with the Engaged Couple and their Sponsors/Mentors . This is the Invitation to Relationship with the Parish Meeting .

Wintess to Love | 28 • A few months after the wedding the MPC should call or email the newly married couple and their sponsors/ mentors to congratulate them and invite them to a parish event, ideally a marriage enrichment opportunity . • Continue to reach out to them at least four times a year . Include them on all Marriage Enrichment event emails . • On their first and fifth wedding anniversaries send them a card signed by Father/Deacon .

Parish/Diocesan Formal Instructional Class, Retreat, Online Program or Weekend Conference (Mentors Invited)

While Witness to Love can complement any parish or diocesan marriage prep formal instruction some options are better fits than others . Here is a general outline of the most important components:

1. Who is God? a . Understanding how He is the author of our lives and provides structure and order to all His creation b . God is Love and is understood in terms of relationships 2. What does it mean to be male and female? a . Understanding God’s plan for our Salvation and Freedom b . See how we were wounded by sin (speaking in medicinal terms of sin inflicting injury instead of guilt) c . Using the Virtues as our tutor; Virtues perfect freedom d . We can grow (emotionally, spiritually, psychologically) only within relationships 3. Who is Christ and why we need salvation and redemption? a . With Christ, we see God, author of creation, drawing Himself into our lives b . Christ reveals truths about us and invites us to understand what is real and permanent . Our minds and wills correspond to His revealed truths through living the Cardinal Virtues: i . Courage: pursuing difficult goods and resisting attractive evils ii . Temperance: shaping desires toward proper goals iii . Justice: giving what one is owed iv . Prudence: choosing the best action 4. Christ’s Love for the Church and our Need for the Sacraments a . All are transformed and redeemed by Christ through the blood and water that poured from His side b . Everything in life becomes now a gift or grace, and useful toward attaining eternal life c . Love and fidelity survive and overcome death 5. Why do we have a Sacrament of Matrimony and what are the ends of Marriage? 6. Understanding the Promises or Vows of Marriage a . In Matrimony wife and husband mutually commit themselves to one another, and receive the Lord’s commitment to them . On their wedding day couples will hear and consent to the Lord saying: “It is not you who choose me, but I who chose you to go and bear fruit that will last!” b . Need to protect and defend the Vows/Bond: “Only Jesus can love perfectly and is able to love fully, for better or for worst, riches or sickness, death do us part ”. 7. Living what God has revealed about Marital Love and Sexuality (NFP vs . Contraception) a . Understanding ourselves as being gifts to one another b . Understanding the inseparable language of the sexual act: unity and procreativity 8. Living and forming a Catholic marriage and family within the Church (connecting them to their parish and the sacraments) a . Importance of couple prayer b . Understanding role of mercy and the Sacrament of Reconciliation within marriage and family life c . Developing a Eucharistic spirituality and a rootedness in Christ d . Living a domestic Church and as a missionary outpost of your local parish

In addition, whatever form this instruction takes it needs to be accessible to today’s young couples who commonly have:

Wintess to Love | 29 1 . limited theological and philosophical foundations 2 . never been exposed to a mature presentation of the faith or sufficiently evangelized and/or catechized 3 . little appreciation of reading, reflecting, and personal prayer 4 . a negative view of commitment and the essential goodness of marriage

Ideally at this formal instruction there will be time for prayer and instruction on how to pray, an invitation to the Sacrament of Confession for both engaged and mentor couples and an opportunity for the mentor couples to witness to the graces of their sacrament . Small group opportunities could be introduced at the parish and if this is done in a diocesan setting an effort could be made to seat parishes together .

Theology Discussion at Mentor’s Home

This section focuses on the flow of the Theology Discussion evening and tips for a successful conversation . Since the clergy plays a key role in this evening, we will not only review the structure, dynamics and goals of this meeting, but also provide tips from Fr . Michael Delcambre on his experiences with Witness to Love . (Father Michael Delcambre helped to pilot and develop Witness to Love.)

The Structure and the Participants - The “Theology of Marriage Discussion Night” takes place in the mentor couple’s home with the clergy, engaged couple and mentor couple . The Marriage Prep Coordinator is not present at this meeting . The Engaged Couple shares with their Sponsor/Mentor and with Father/Deacon what they learned and ask any questions they have following their formal instruction . Father/Deacon answers their questions, and clarifies what they heard . Both couples also share their responses to the reflection questions in Chapter 5 of their Witness to Love workbook .

Before this meeting the following should have taken place:

• Both couples will have met together with the Marriage Prep Coordinator, gone on a double date, begun their “Scavenger Hunt,” had four formal meetings to cover Chapters 1-4 in their workbook, watched the accompanying video content, completed and discussed their homework assignments, done an Examination of Conscience and attended a Parish or Diocesan formal Marriage Prep program together . • They will be about halfway through their NFP Class (if this is required of them) . • The engaged couple will have prepared five comments and five questions with regards to their formal instruction . • The Theology of the Marriage Discussion Night should have been scheduled to take place at the mentor couple’s home soon after the couple’s Parish or Diocesan formal Marriage Prep instruction . The date should have been coordinated and scheduled with the priest or deacon’s calendar immediately . • The engaged couple and the mentor couple will have read and responded to the discussion questions in Chapter Five of the Witness to Love Couple Workbook . The clergy should refer to the copy of the workbook that came with the WTL certification and use the items in Chapter 5 to prepare for the conversation .

Here is what should happen during the meeting:

• The evening usually includes dinner or at least dessert at the Mentor’s home . • The focus is initially on relationship building and then moves into the reason for having the meeting . • The priest or deacon should be informal, confident and focused on the beauty of the Church’s teaching on sexuality and marriage . • Allow the engaged couple to share their five comments and questions from the Theology Day . Let them shine . • Fill in any gaps and ask them to flesh out their questions . • Move into the reflection question responses that the mentor couple wrote in their workbook . Remember that for them this is a marriage enrichment experience and they may be discovering and discussing some of this material for the first time ever . But their own experiences living out the Sacrament of Marriage will be important additions to the conversation, complementing the teachings of the priest or deacon .

Wintess to Love | 30 • Let the Engaged Couple share their workbook discussion question responses . • The workbook contains topics for Father or Deacon to cover including: ◦◦ How the Sacrament (a covenant) is different from a civil ceremony (a contract) . ◦◦ The language of love, mutuality and complementarity . Make sure you know what was covered at whatever retreat or formal instruction they received . ◦◦ Fill in any gaps in their understanding of the Church’s teaching on Natural Family Planning . Ask them what they plan to do with it . ◦◦ Relate Marriage to the image of the Trinity, the image of God and the life of the Holy Spirit between the Father and the Son . ◦◦ Talk about the difference between love (giving) and lust (taking) . ◦◦ A Homily Helps section for the priest or deacon to work with the couple to find out some things their respective families might need to hear . ◦◦ They will have reviewed an Examination of Conscience in their workbook before this meeting . Let them know that Confession is always available .

Remember: • This is an opportunity for the Theology of Marriage/NFP to be personalized, internalized, shared and owned . • Let the Holy Spirit dictate what is covered and how long you stay . • Make sure both couples know this is an ongoing conversation and an invitation to learn more . Let them know they can always revisit with you in the future . • Begin and end with prayer . • You may want to have a third meeting with both couples closer to the wedding, but if this is not possible then ask the Marriage Prep Coordinator to receive their “Scavenger Hunt” paperwork and review their final survey about the process with them . This final meeting is called “Welcome to Parish Life” to reinforce that they are at the beginning not the end of their relationship with the parish . • Never tell the couples “Congratulations you are done”! • They will both meet one more time to cover Chapter 6 and complete their final survey . TheWitness to Love website will send the survey to the Marriage Prep Coordinator’s email address as soon as both couples complete it . That survey will serve as their certificate of completion .

The Dynamic - There may be initial tension because the couples might be thinking, “We have to talk about sex with Father/ Deacon!” But there will also be excitement because they usually will want to know more, as will the Mentors . The Mentors will usually be self-conscious about having a priest/deacon in their house and so it may be helpful to take extra steps to put them at ease . Again, this is also a time to get to know them . They can become a new source of renewal and wisdom in your parish that you may not have known you had . Often, they will ask you about getting more involved . Keep the focus on tonight’s meeting, but follow up later . With every priest or deacon, this meeting will have a different dynamic, but always make sure that the Holy Spirit is free to work . Conversions happen at this meeting! Pray with the couples, and pray for them . Based on your initial conversations with them, pray for the areas in which you know they need prayers . This meeting may go long, so do not schedule something at 8 pm if this meeting starts at 6 pm . End the evening by thanking the Mentors for opening up their domestic church to you and to this engaged couple!

The Goal - The end goal of the “Theology of Marriage Discussion Night” is for the engaged couple AND the mentor couple to be more aware and appreciative of the beauty within the Church’s Theology of Marriage, what it is and how relevant it is to their marriage . We want to give them a language of love, mutuality and complementarity . We want them to see their marriage through a different lens than the one the culture has given them . We want them to connect God’s love, which is free, total, faithful, and fruitful, with their marital love . Marriage on earth is meant to be an image of the Trinity . It is the difference between love and lust . Love is always open to life . They should know the plan God has for them in marriage, and that living it joyfully together is possible.

The couples leave with a new way to look at things through the lens of Theology of Marriage as opposed to what the culture presents . It opens them up to and gives them courage to seek and to live a sacramental marriage .

Wintess to Love | 31 Difficult questions or comments you might hear based on what your diocesan marriage preparation conference may cover:

• “My body is different” or “I have an irregular cycle”: NFP can work for any couple, regardless of their fertility . Know NFP Teachers or “NFP Only” doctors you can send them to . • “Father/Deacon, we are living together and financially we can’t separate”: Let them know that what they are preparing to say with their lips, they must also say with their hearts and their bodies . Make them see that the “I do” yes they will speak at their wedding will attain its full meaning only after they have committed to the “not yet” no of abstaining before their wedding . Help them learn that there are many ways to love that go beyond sex . Help them appreciate the value of communication, , emotional intimacy, spiritual intimacy and just being together . • Regarding pornography or other kinds of addiction be prepared to make referrals to counselors, classes and support groups .

What do clergy in the Witness to Love Marriage Prep process need to un- derstand about attachment theory?

Clergy play a particularly important role in the Witness to Love marriage preparation process . They are irreplaceable instruments of God’s love, providing guidance, comfort and security to the mentor and the engaged couples . But if the mentor or engaged couple experiences the priest/deacon as distant or unsafe, this will likely compromise their efforts to securely grow in virtue and deepen their relationship with God and each other . Since clergy act as Christ’s official representatives they can greatly influence how couples perceive who Christ is and largely determine whether they will make the consistent effort to grow in virtue and in their relationship with Christ . As Pope Paul VI astutely put it: “Modern man listens more willingly to witnesses than to teachers, and if he does listen to teachers, it is because they are witnesses” (see Evangelii Nuntiandi #41) .

The priest/deacon best represents Christ when he is both pastorally sensitive to the couple’s need for security and also firm in teaching Catholic doctrine; two essential features of priestly witness in marriage preparation . Attachment theory, adapted for this purpose, indicates that if a couple is to genuinely hear and embrace a priest’s/deacon’s teaching, rather than reject him and his words, the couple must experience him as a safe haven to return to for counsel and consolation, and a secure base from which they can introduce his message into their daily lives . Pastoral sensitivity alone--like doctrinal firmness by itself--is insufficient to effectively communicate Christ’s message of agapic love .

In a word, just as healthy concern for the couple’s emotional security does not preclude communicating correct theological teaching, doctrinal firmness is no substitute for pastoral sensitivity to the couple’s need for security . Pastoral sensitivity and doctrinal firmness are a “package deal ”.

An Invitation to Relationship With the Parish

This final informal meeting with Father or Deacon is a stepping stone to continued relationship with the parish . In this final meeting you will close out paperwork, review with them what they have learned, and invite them into a deeper participation in the life of the parish . Their marriage will be more connected and alive when rooted in the graces they will receive in the parish . If the marriage prep process before it has gone according to plan, at this point they will want more and be ready to be invited to receive more! Remind them to follow up with their sponsors/mentors after the wedding . Anticipate and eliminate their temptation to isolation.

Depending on the situation you may also want to have the sponsor/mentor and engaged couple meet again with the MP Coordinator to firm up this invitation to the “ecclesial community ”. At that meeting you would let them know of upcoming events and ways to get involved at the parish and encourage them to continue meeting with each other every other month after the wedding . Encourage them also to continue going to Mass together and to work on deepening their friendship . Let them know you will be emailing them and letting them know about upcoming Marriage Enrichment events . Options for this meeting with the MP Coordinator will be covered in Part Four, the “Welcome to Parish Life Meeting ”.

Wintess to Love | 32 Tips From Fr . Michael Delcambre for Changing the Culture of Marriage Prep in Your Parish

• Expose yourself to what they are learning at your formal diocesan or parish marriage preparation program . Do not expect them to learn and do what you have not . • Ask questions of them and respond to their questions . • If you do not know the answer to a question let them know you will get back to them . • The mentors can share in all of this . These discussions introduce them to beauty in a new way . • Establish and nurture relationships with couples . • Have a volunteer invite newly married couples and their mentors to small groups or parish events . • Don’t see the engaged couple as something to get over with, marriage prep as a check off list, or the whole thing as just more work . • There is power in meeting them where they are, discipling them and walking with them . • When this attitude changes in your heart, your entire approach changes and then the attitude in their heart changes too . • Pope Francis advises us to go to the fringes . Marriage prep is an amazing opportunity where the fringes come right to us . • Just be personal, honest and real . • Never be confrontational - have conversations in love, attract them to the beauty of the sacrament . Do not be focused on what is missing or where they are not . Meet them where they are and invite them to journey forward with you . • For the civilly married, make them very comfortable . Be approachable . • Cultivate a culture of approachability . They have a broad spectrum of concerns that need to be addressed . They need to see you as someone they can be comfortable with through all of this .

Wedding Day!

Having gone through the Witness to Love process the Engaged Couple understands that this is just the beginning of a beautiful journey of grace as living witnesses of Christ’s love to the world . On their wedding day couples enter a period similar to a Mystagogia – a deepening of their appreciation and living out of the graces of the sacrament. This is the final phase of the “Marriage Catechumenate”,a deepened awareness of the mysteries of the faith - in marriage this would include the Theology of Marriage and living out the Sacrament of Marriage . It calls spouses to sanctity . This is ongoing and dispels the error that marriage prep ends with the wedding day .

Continued Accompaniment by Mentor Couple and Parish

St . John Paul II pointed out the importance of supporting newly married couples after their wedding:

Pastoral Care After Marriage The pastoral care of the regularly established family signifies, in practice, the commitment of all the members of the local ecclesial community to helping the couple to discover and live their new vocation and mission. In order that the family may be ever more a true community of love, it is necessary that all its members should be helped and trained in their responsibilities as they face the new problems that arise, in mutual service, and in active sharing in family life.

This holds true especially for young families, which, finding themselves in a context of new values and responsibilities, are more vulnerable, especially in the first years of marriage, to

Wintess to Love | 33 possible difficulties, such as those created by adaptation to life together or by the birth of children. (FC69)

During the marriage prep process the engaged couple has been standing on the side of the pool learning how to swim . On their wedding day they finally jump in as their mentors and the entire church community stand by ready to help them to swim and not sink . But the church’s accompaniment does not end with the wedding The. engaged and mentor couples are encouraged to continue meeting after the wedding . They are given suggested activities to do together to deepen their friendship and strengthen their marriages . During the entire marriage prep journey the engaged couple has been standing on the side of the pool learning how to swim . On their wedding day they will jump in and their mentors and the entire church community will be there to help them to swim and not to sink .

Helping newly married couples plug into their church community is one of the most critical challenges of marriage ministry and one that Witness to Love successfully and creatively addresses . The mentor couple is the primary means of making and maintaining this connection to the parish and so it is a connection that the parish should nourish by offering small groups and other programs and resources to both couples . If you are looking for small group ideas and resources please contact Witness to Love for some great suggestions . We are always collaborating with the best that today’s evangelists have to offer parishes .

Here are just a few ways for the ecclesial community to accompany and support newly married couples in:

• Introduce your engaged couples and their mentors to the small group offerings at your parish as part of their marriage prep retreat. If there are no such groups, begin them. • Have a parish volunteer in charge of coordinating meals for new parents . • Offer a mom’s group for new and expectant moms . • Provide in home baptism preparation classes that include parenting tips, and resources for the Sponsors/Mentors so that they can help the new families .

There are many such ways for a parish family to treat its newly formed marriages and families . We are the Body of Christ and these couples are parts of our body! Now is the time to build on the foundation set before the marriage . It is imperative that we nurture this new relationship between the newly married couple, the mentor couple and the parish family . Not to do so could be likened to being in a disconnected family that never gathers for dinners, birthdays or holidays and never reaches out to help one another when they are in need . We, and they, deserve much more .

Wintess to Love | 34 Chapter Three The Rollout Process

❒❒ 1. Identify Your Team ❒❒ 2. Order Materials ❒❒ 3. Rollout Team Planning Meeting ❒❒ 4. Get the Word Out ❒❒ 5. Customize Forms ❒❒ 6. Begin Meeting with Couples ❒❒ 7. Survey and Follow-Up with Couples

THE ROLLOUT PROCESS

After finishing your final exam/quiz online or attending a live training, it’s important you follow each step of the rollout process to ensure a fruitful and successful implementation of Witness to Love .

Step 1. Identify Your Team

Discuss the first page of your Parish Snapshot with your pastor and then identify your WTL parish team . Note that the team should include everyone who will continue to have contact with the engaged couple or their mentors . In a small parish the team may be 1-3 people but in a large parish of twenty or more weddings a year it may be 3-10 people . Every person that you would like on the team does not need to be identified prior to implementing WTL but all obvious team members should gather at least once prior to rollout . Potential people to invite are: Clergy, parish staff who have contact with engaged couples (e g. ,. secretary, wedding coordinator), volunteers, traditional mentor couples, marriage counselors, evangelists and couples you would consider as “showcase” mentor couples should an engaged couple not know anyone to ask .

Step 2. Order Your Materials

WTL has materials in English and Spanish . Always order one “Couple’s Marriage Prep Bundle for Parishes” for every wedding you expect to have . When you order materials you will receive three WTL Workbooks and one Mentor Guide for each couple . There will also be an introduction letter in your order to help the mentors get started and it will give them an overview of what their meetings will look like . Remember to check your email right after ordering to make sure your access codes for your couples did not go to your spam/junk folder . Each bundle also includes one code for the mentor couple . Each code can be used only once . Directions for the couples on how to use the codes is in the WTL email template on our Parish Rollout Page .

Step 3. Rollout Team Planning Meeting

Gather together all those you invited to be part of the rollout team . You are welcome to use the WTL Info Spanish or WTL Info English overview handout to introduce the team to WTL . If you are recruiting new, untrained “showcase couples” or if you are bringing current mentor couples into the WTL rollout team you are also welcome to use the Prezi presentation to get them up to speed . This is a time for everyone to review what you have been doing so far in your parish, what will change and what will not . You may want to invite a WTL pastor or Marriage Prep Coordinator who has been doing WTL for a while in your diocese to offer input . You can also invite your Diocesan Family Life Director so that he/she can better understand what you are doing and how to support it .

Wintess to Love | 35 Step 4. Get the Word Out

Choose a Sunday to officially kick-off WTL in your parish . You will want to put a link to our website on your website . If you would like to use our logo you can download it from the resources page on our website . Make the WTL sample announcement your own and choose a weekend to announce your new marriage prep process . Ultimately you are inviting the entire parish to be involved in the marriage prep process . Marriage prep becomes a uniting community effort . We have Sample Pulpit and Bulletin Announcements on our Rollout Page .

Step 5. Print or Customize WTL Forms

Print off and give to every priest or deacon the WTL Clergy Notes so that they can help the engaged couples to discern the best mentor couples . It is critical that each engaged couple receives proper coaching on how to choose a mentor couple .

Father or Deacon will fill out the WTLIntake Sheet within one hour of his first meeting with an engaged couple and give it to the Marriage Prep Coordinator . The Marriage Prep Coordinator will add notes to it and return it to Father or Deacon after the initial coaching session with both couples .

Save the WTL Engaged Couple Spreadsheet as a Google Doc or Excel file, customize it if you wish for your parish and then share it with team members so that everyone can keep track of your engaged couples .

The Marriage Prep Coordinator may use the WTL Cheat Sheet during their first few meetings to make sure they cover everything . Use it exactly as laid out until you are comfortable with the process .

After the Marriage Prep Coordinator meets for the first time with the engaged couple and their mentors for the initial coaching session a follow up email is sent to both of them . You may edit the WTL MPC Sample Email (Word Document) and then also edit and attach a personalized Scavenger Hunt List to be completed before the wedding . The completed Scavenger Hunt List is turned in at the final meeting one month before the wedding to the Marriage Prep Coordinator, the Parish Marriage Enrichment Coordinator or with the priest or deacon .

Step 6. Begin Meeting with Couples

Expect the first meeting to take 60-70 minutes . Add 60 minutes to that if you will be covering their Prepare/FOCCUS/Fully Engaged with them prior to the mentors arriving . Make sure to email them the parish specific app invitation link and their Scavenger Hunt after you meet with them using the sample email outline in Step 5 .

Step 7. Survey and Follow-up with Couples after the Wedding

Make sure to carefully review all the information collected in the Welcome to Parish Life Survey, which also serves as the engaged couple’s certificate of completion . This survey is automatically sent from our website to the parish WTL Marriage Prep Coordinator’s email address when the couples have completed their 6 meetings . Questions on the survey include asking both couples how they would like to get involved in the parish and their level of desire to continue meeting and going to church together . Couples should be invited to small groups within the parish as soon as possible . If a marriage prep retreat is held at the parish the small group leaders in the parish should be introduced at the retreat . This personal invitation is critical in bridging the gap between marriage prep and marriage enrichment .

Wintess to Love | 36 A Short Glossary of Terms

The Pre-Marital Inquiry Form -This is the “freedom to marry form” also called a PNI, not to be confused with the PMI or Pre-Marital Inventory . It is a canonical (legal) document and also a way of determining a couple’s freedom to marry in the Church .

The Google/Excel Spreadsheet - This is an efficient way of tracking the couple’s progress through the marriage prep process without letting anyone slip through the cracks . It is also a great way for the marriage prep team to communicate with one another, for example, with questions concerning particular engaged couples . On this sheet you will note what each engaged couple’s marriage prep assignments were, who their Sponsors/Mentors are, the contact information for both engaged couples and their mentors, their progress through a Natural Family Planning class, a marriage prep course, and any special notes you might want to keep . You can do this on a private excel sheet but the Google spreadsheet works as well . This is not a sheet where you would share extremely personal information . That would go on the intake form .

A Pre-Marital Inventory/Assessment(PMI) – some examples of premarital inventories are the Prepare-Enrich, FOCCUS, or Fully Engaged . They help you to help the engaged couple better understand their relationship in terms of their levels of agreement on a spectrum of important issues, for example, what their respective family life dynamics were like growing up . They are most helpful when they are reviewed with the engaged couple along with related worksheets or discussion questions . Follow up and feedback after taking a PMI is crucial for a couple to receive the full benefits of taking it .

Follow-Up Questions and Worksheets - These follow-up questions and worksheets may be provided by the “Inventory” that you use . You can also supplement this with your own questions or reading assignments . These are organized by the MP Coordinator after viewing the engaged couple’s “Inventory” and deciding specifically which follow up questions to assign the Sponsor/Mentor couple to discuss with their engaged couple . You may just give them the worksheets and follow up questions with a copy of the overview of the Inventory or you may assign specific questions and worksheets to specific meetings . For example you could say: “Do all the Communication follow up questions and worksheets at your first meeting…” To make it easy you can note on each paper at which meeting it should be covered or you can put that information in the Scavenger Hunt list . If you handle a great deal of prep you could simply ask them to complete all the questions and worksheets at some time so long as it is completed at least one month prior to the wedding . All of this is given to the Sponsor/Mentor couple, with the engaged couple’s permission, at the initial meeting with the MP Coordinator and the engaged couple .

The Witness to Love Couple’s Workbook - Our workbook is a collaborative effort that combines the latest developments in Catholic psychotherapy with a modern translation of the classical virtues . The workbook and accompanying video series can be used as a marriage preparation program or as a supplement to a parish or diocesan program . It can also be used for marriage enrichment . The workbook is divided into six sections and they are intended to be covered in six meetings . Both members of the engaged couple receive his/her own copy, and their mentors receive one copy of the workbook . This is a critical tool that guides them through the marriage preparation process .

The Scavenger Hunt Checklist - The scavenger hunt checklist was developed to counter the “jumping through the hoops” attitude that many engaged couples have . This list should be personalized for each couple but it also includes things that you every couple should do before their wedding . The marriage prep Coordinator sends this list to both the engaged couple and their mentor couple after the initial meeting with them and the marriage prep Coordinator .

The First Meeting with the Marriage Prep Coordinator

These talking points and notes should be reviewed thoroughly before you meet with the couples. Ideally you are not reading from the list. It’s critical you come across as natural as possible.

1 . Ice-Breaker Welcome them, and let them know that you just covered the questionnaire with the engaged couple (making sure everyone knows it is OK to laugh) Questions to ask in the conversation with mentor couple, engaged couples, and marriage prep-coordinator::

Wintess to Love | 37 a . How did each couple meet? b . How long have you known each other? 2 . To engaged couple: Why did you choose this particular couple to mentor you? What were the traits and char- acteristics that caught your attention? 3 . To mentor couple: How are you feeling about all of this? Were you surprised when they asked you to be their men- tors? What are your thoughts on this process? How is this process similar to or different from your own marriage preparation? 4 . Introduce Witness to Love and Role of Marriage Preparation Coordinator a . Explain the unique vision for this way of preparing for marriage . b . Describe what you and the Parish will be providing during this period . c . What should the mentor be providing for the engaged couple? i . A secure place (relationship) for them, especially during difficult times ii . Assurance of connectedness to the parish and an understanding of the need and value of com- munity iii . A lifeline to the Church and to God. 5 . The process (nuts and bolts) of building up the relationship: a . Scavenger Hunt - includes everything that the engaged and mentor couples will do . b . How the mentors will quickly review a copy of the questionnaire with them (Couples Report only not full facilitator’s report) c . Date nights - describe d . Answer Mentor’s question of “what exactly do I do?” i . Explain how all the books are just tools to help the mentor couple understand how to share with the engaged couple in a way that also strengthens their own marriage . ii . Distribute workbooks and Mentor’s Handbook focusing on how to share marriage . iii . Email Summary of key points to them after you meet . 6 . Workbook and 6 Meeting Overview: a . Remember that this is basically an outline of the conversations for the 6 meetings that will take place . It is here that mentors will findsuggestions about how best to share their marriage . b . Explain how to prepare for each meeting . c . Use Chapter 3 in workbook for illustration during first meeting i . Highlight need for prayer in each meeting ii . Explain design of charts and scales in workbook iii . Explain extremes (ex :. turned inwards to smothering) iv . Discerning which virtue is most important and needs to be focused on . v . Help mentor couple see the value in preparing a personal story of their own for each meeting . Understanding most effective ways of sharing . Sharing involves more than just talking. vi . Explain significance of term “beloved” 7 . Reinforce the general benefits of supportive relationships and accountability and the specific value of having a mentor couple . Almost always at least one of the four will not only desire to fulfill all the commitments of mento- ring process but will also motivate the others . 8 . Each of their 6 meetings should last no longer than an hour and a half. 9 . Any questions that were not answered? 10 . Coordinator provides timeline based on their requested wedding date . 11 . Closing prayer 12 . Guys are invited to leave and discuss their double date and set a date and time for it .

Wintess to Love | 38 Sample Large Parish Rollout Plan

Pastor

Marriage Point Person (Deacon, Parochial Vicar)

Marriage Prep Team Includes: Connecting Team Marriage & Family Marriage Prep Team Leader Mentor & Newly Married Formation Team Marriage Prep Coach Couples Support Team Small Group Leaders Showcase Couples

MP Retreat Team Lead Couple Marriage Ambassadors MP Retreat Presenters MP Retreat Hosts

Discernment questions for parishes: • How many weddings do we have a year? • How many of these weddings involve at least one parishioner? • How do we handle parishioner vs . non-parishioner weddings? • Would the non-parishioners become parishioners if we changed our process? • How can we do a better job of welcoming, forming and retaining engaged couples? • Does our parish offer small groups and other opportunities for married couples to grow in their faith? • Are these small groups attractive, dynamic and formative disciple makers that provide clear stepping stones to going deeper? • How do we bridge the newly married couples from their marriage prep process into these small groups and other opportunities to grow in their faith? • Is this bridge obvious and welcoming to them or are they likely to miss or ignore it? • Who do we have to draw from in our parish for the teams below? • How will we help them discern their gifts and areas of service? • What formation will they need and how will we provide it for them?

Additional questions: • Does our parish have the same overall welcoming tone and mission for evangelization that animates and Witness to Love? • Are the parish staff and volunteers on board with a discipleship model or is the parish more focused on numbers, fundraising, and getting information to parishioners? • How able or willing are the clergy (priests or deacons) to go into mentor couples’ homes for the theology discussion part of Witness to Love?

Where are the “points of entry” where the parish can encounter and welcome couples disconnected from the Church? • Sacraments (e .g ., Baptism, First Communion, Confirmation and Marriage)

Wintess to Love | 39 • Crisis • Infant loss • Miscarriage • Infertility • Depression • Marital problems • Sickness

Where are we losing engaged / newly married couples? • Visiting priests who handle marriage preparation for our parishioners are not in tune with our parish’s mission of evangelization . • Convalidations that are quick and not full process • Couples are not allowed to choose mentors (missing out not only on creating a secure attachment for them but also on an opportunity for 2-for-1 evangelization) • Not having a solid support team with plans, resources and strategies to mentor the mentors as they walk with newly married couples . • Presenters who talk over couples’ heads, not connecting . • Clergy and marriage prep staff who expect couples to understand more than they do .

Who do we need on the parish marriage team? • Diverse in age, race, and temperament • Magnetic personalities • Already disciples • Strong marriages • Experienced in handling hardships in their own lives or marriages • Deeply committed to serving others’ marriages .

The Rollout Plan • Gather only a few key players whom you would like to involve in the renewal process both to get their input and to let them know the direction that you would like to take in parish marriage renewal . • Have a second gathering for those currently involved in any form of marriage ministry in the parish to see if they would like to be part of the renewal . This is a balance of affirming their work and inviting them to be part of the renewal vision . • Identify key roles within the Witness to Love Parish Team (see below for tips on discerning roles) • Train WTL Team for their roles • Begin rollout only for weddings not already on the calendar OR for weddings that are at least 5 months away . • Schedule a parish marriage prep retreat for engaged couples and their mentors 3-4 months from now and begin to assign retreat team roles . • If you do not have small groups in your parish start to add them (Choice Wine, Couple Prayer Series, Alpha in the Catholic Context, Domestic Church, Come Lord Jesus, etc . are all good choices) . • Have the leaders of the small groups come to the marriage prep retreat to invite engaged couples and their mentors to join in the small groups and even break up into small groups to give them a taste of what it will be like . • After the wedding date have the small group leaders reach out to the newly married couples and their mentors to invite them to join . • Schedule four marriage enrichment events a year that these newly married and mentor couples can return to .

Set agenda • Explain role of the team • Marriage prep team, marriage enrichment team, retreat host, mentor support, retreat presenter team, follow up team – sends cards every year on each couple’s anniversary • Any other role you would like included

Wintess to Love | 40 Team Formation • Sit down one-on-one with each couple to discuss their gifts, time availability, sense of calling, spiritual maturity, leadership qualities and temperament . • Team leaders work together • Invest in spending formational time with team leaders • Meet regularly with team leaders, e .g ., every other month • Continuously seek feedback and adjust as needed • Have rules for people who want to serve • Keep away from a “club mentality” . • What does each team need from the parish?

The Role of the Parish Marriage and Family Formation Director (Could also be a deacon or volunteer lay couple): • Forms and manages all teams • Reports to Pastor • Provides resources • Troubleshoots • Focuses on being a bridge and encourages all teams to be bridges between each other and the parish • Focuses on rollout staging and continuing education .

Marriage prep team • Outgoing • Faith-filled • Magnetic • Catechized • This team must be Witness to Love trained with a special focus on handling the first meeting .

Marriage Prep Retreat Hosts • The host team takes care of details • Set up, take down, babysitting, talking to couples during the event, welcoming them, getting to know them . • Take care of emails, registration, putting out fires, advertising, calling to remind of the event, and take calls about the event . They can also serve as the host team for marriage enrichment events .

The Retreat Presenting Team / Marriage Enrichment Organizers • Aids the mentor support team • Dynamic • Theology of the Body trained • Ready to train others for their team • Users and maybe teachers of Natural Family Planning and prepared to give witness • Diverse ages • Comfortable with praying • Intentional disciples and apostles • Close relationship with Christ • Can identify with the younger couples • Can talk to couples’ experiences • Can grow this group and pull from newly married and mentor couples . • Great conversion stories are a plus

Mentor Support Team / Newlywed Support Team • Able to maintain deep friendships • Detail focused • Good with names

Wintess to Love | 41 • Don’t mind picking up the phone • Able to organize small groups • Job is to connect mentor couples and newly married couples to small groups in the parish .

Couple Small Group Leaders

• Small group leaders for programs like Domestic Church, Alpha, Couple Prayer Series, Choice Wine, Symbolon, Beloved, Humanum . • Do you have small group leader couples who are: really prayerful, have strong marriages, especially faith-filled husbands who are evangelizers?! • Small Group leaders work closely with the Couple Support Team and can also be part of the retreat presenting team . This would give couples on the retreat added exposure to them . • These small group leaders not only support the marriage prep retreat team but also provide follow up by inviting mentors and newly married couples to their small groups .

Phase One • Discern Couples to invite to the WTL Parish Team • Invite couples to give a presentation on the mission of WTL in parish • Ask them to discern their gifts and possible roles • Meet with couples one on one to help them discern, especially for key roles

Phase Two • Train Team members according to their roles • Coach, support, provide aid for team • Streamline and personalize the process at parish • Edit any paperwork or handouts for engaged couples to reflect new guidelines

Phase Three • Enrichment and community for team • Build out follow up small groups for post-wedding support for engaged couples and mentors

Phase Four • Access, evaluate and make any needed customizations for the parish • Continue to add to the team especially from the newly chosen mentor couples over the years

Wintess to Love | 42 “… deeper parish connection and authentic accompaniment for engaged and newly married couples. ” ̶ Archbishop Gregory M. Aymond

What is Witness to Love? Witness to Love is not just another marriage prep program. It is a renewal movement and an ethos centered around fostering community involvement in the marriage formation process that bears fruit for the entire parish community. It is a unique virtue-based system of marriage renewal and formation that:

1. Prepares couples for a sacramental marriage, AND... 2. Fosters their transition into a welcoming community of faith before and after they are married.

We integrate evidence-based principles of psychology to help couples facilitate an authentic dialogue about their relationship, and provide a connection to their local parish through mentors that lasts well beyond their time of sacramental marriage formation. What makes Witness to Love different? Our approach focuses on developing key relationships in order to fully integrate engaged and newly married couples into their own parish. The Priest/Deacon, the Marriage Prep Coordinator/Coaches, and a Mentor/Sponsor Couple act together as a team, fully utilizing their specific gifts and roles to prepare the couple for marriage and welcome them into the parish family. Our workbook, mentor’s hand-book, video series, and trainings are powerful tools deliberately designed to help facilitate this renewal. Witness to Love is now available in Spanish. View all available resources and training options at witnesstolove.org. Why is the Witness to Love Mentor Model so Effective? A unique differentiator of Witness to Love is that couples are invited to discern qualified mentors that they usually already know and trust (and which meet basic requirements). Deep conversions, encounter with Christ, and renewal happen consistently for both couples. This is a two for one evangelization model. By allowing the engaged or civilly married couple to choose their own mentor couple, a concrete connection and integration into the parish is developed. Through the sharing of the mentor couples’ own marriage journey, the couple inherits a “lifeline” of support in their commitment to Christ and the Church. The mentors are not tasked with teaching moral or sacramental theology, but serve as powerful witnesses and guides, all the while growing in their own marriage through the development of virtue. Witness to Love enables the parish to build on this relationship to help rebuild trust between the engaged or civilly married couple and the Church. Does it work? Yes! Witness to Love has been proven to be very effective in preparing couples for marriage and successfully integrating them into their parish. Newly married couples still attend Mass and are active in their parish years after their wedding day. A recent case study found that the full implementation of Witness to Love at a parish (averaging 17 marriages/year) in 2012 took the divorce rate from 23% to 0% each year over the last four years. Is it an “approved” program? Yes. Witness to Love is listed on the USCCB’s site “For your Marriage” as a complete marriage preparation resource. In addition, Archbishop Gregory Aymond, Secretary of USCCB, serves as the ecclesial advisor for our non-profit renewal ministry. We are currently working with over 60 Dioceses in various capacities.

WEB: witnesstolove.org PHONE: 337.282.0446 EMAIL: [email protected] How does it work?

Witness to Love provides a rich and lasting formation and accompaniment for couples through an 8-step process:

1 2 3 4

Meeting with Clergy Coaching Session with Monthly Meetings Parish/Diocesan Marriage Prep Coordinator with Mentor Couple using Couples Retreat and Mentor Couple Workbooks and Videos (Mentors Invited) 5 6 7 8

Theology Discussion Both Couples Wedding Day! Continued Accompani- and Meal at Mentor’s Home Welcomed to the Parish and ment by Mentor Couple Invited to Small Groups and Parish Community

What are people saying?

“… holds out great promise for strengthening marriage and family life “... we definitely grew as a couple, not only closer to each other, in our parishes.” but closer to God and the church.” -Archbishop Salvatore Cordileone -Jeremy & Lindsay, engaged couple

“It’s a win-win for engaged couples and their chosen mentors.” “... a powerful tool for sacramental marriage formation.” -Peg Hensler, Diocese of Trenton -Fr. Dean Wilhelm, Round Rock TX

REVIEW THE PROGRAM RISK-FREE! Visit www.WitnessToLove.org or call 337.282.0446 MENTOR’S GUIDELINES

Dear Mentor Couple, Thank you for your willingness to embark on an extremely important and life-changing journey! As a mentor couple, you will become one of the greatest gifts that another couple can receive . Mentors serve engaged and civilly married couples by answering questions they may have during their time of sacramental marriage formation, but also by serving as steady and reliable role models in challenging times . Through the mentoring process, each couple learns that no individual—and no couple—is an island unto themselves . Community is crucial in relationships! Indeed with your support and witness as a guiding light on their journey, they will improve their relationship satisfaction and thrive together . A good mentor ideally becomes a secure attachment figure, a “safe haven” and a “secure base” to the engaged or civilly married couple:

■■ Attachment Theory: It is through your wisdom, witness, and consistent emotional and practical support of the engaged or civilly married couple that you become the trusted or “stronger, wiser other .” In the best case, the couple you are mentoring will instinctively turn to you during times of emotional struggle related to their fiancé(e) or in circumstances and decisions surrounding their romantic relationship . Attachment Theory is a proven psychological theory and provides the foundation to the Witness to Love system of mentoring .

■■ Safe Haven: Mentors, as a “safe haven,” provide comfort and help to each individual in diminishing stressors related to their relationship with their fiancé(e) . Similarly, the mentors help to organize others’ emotional experiences and provide balance to decision-making, especially in times of difficulty . Your relationship provides a sense of security towards you—an implicit trust in you and the reliability of your support .

■■ Secure Base: By providing the roots of security in and through your relational support you can become a “secure base ”. You do this by assisting the couple you are metoring in a genuine exploration of the health of their relationship with their fiancé(e) and enabling a more balanced view of their fiancé(e) . You can also help them with inward exploration: an interior look at one’s level of virtue particularly in their relationship with their fiancé(e) . Overall, your help optimizes their ability to take the risks to do some serious soul-searching and develop an honest and courageous appraisal of areas in need of strengthening . Only when they can truly embrace their weaknesses, by identifying and acknowledging their insecurities and limitations, can they accept the opportunity for conversion . The next step is to make deeper and more enduring and redemptive changes in their own lives, and in their relationship . Through God’s grace, as mentor and secure attachment figure, you provide at least part of the attachment security and safety necessary for the couple’s growth and maturation as people, and together, as a couple, as they blossom into a family . As an instrument of God, you allow God’s grace to work beautifully through you to the couple you are mentoring . Your deepened personal relationship with God, and prayerful reliance on Him, is vital during this process . Be assured of our prayers for you on this exciting journey .

In His Love,

WEB: witnesstolove.org PHONE: 337.282.0446 EMAIL: [email protected] MENTOR’S GUIDELINES

About the Workbook

The Couple’s Workbook is a powerful resource that helps couples identify areas of improvement, and provides a proven plan to achieve growth in the virtues necessary for a strong and joy-filled marriage . You are encouraged to work through the same material as the couple you are mentoring and share your experience at each meeting . Please also read together the Mentor’s Journey hand-book that was included with your materials . This will help you understand the foundations of the program, and better prepare you to walk with the couple you are metoring through this process . These are general guidelines for each section of the workbook . Some chapters have additional sections particular to that lesson . Be sure to read the “Planning Ahead” section at the beginning of each chapter to ensure you are prepared for the upcoming meeting . Introduction This section appears at the beginning of each chapter and is designed to provide a good overview of the themes of the lesson . Included are the key virtues you will be focusing on for that chapter . This section is to be read ahead of the meeting by you and the couple you are mentoring . A True Story Also read ahead of time, this story enhances the theme of the chapter with real-life examples . Extremes and Remedies In this section, both you and the couple you are mentoring should work through the exercises to honestly assess where you fall on the scale of each virtue . It’s important that this be done individually, without discussion with your beloved ahead of the meeting time . This section forces you to look deep into your own behavior patterns and helps you identify those areas in which you need to grow in virtue *. *Note: These scales, which appear in each chapter, simply provide an opportunity for self-assessment, self- awareness, and will help you communicate with your beloved, so that together you can grow in virtue . The word “Extreme” on each scale simply refers to how far away you are from properly living out the virtue described . How Did It Go? This is first section done together at the meeting . Here you should ask the couple you are mentoring to share their experience over the past month as they worked on their chosen area(s) of improvement . It’s simply a conversation in which they can share their successes and failures, along with their commitment to keep moving forward . Video Witness Couple After your brief conversation, you should play the video for your particular meeting . These video witness couples personify one or more of the virtues you’ll be focusing on for that lesson . Mentor Led Discussion Here you guide the couple you are mentoring through a series of questions based on the opening story to the chapter and the video witness couple . Mapping It Out Both couples should walk through the questions in this section, with the goal of coming away from this meeting with a tangible action plan . Daily Follow Up Both couples should work through this daily plan between the meeting days . Be sure to check in with the couple if you are able at least once between meetings to see if they’re following their action plan .

WEB: witnesstolove.org PHONE: 337.282.0446 EMAIL: [email protected] “… deeper parish connection and authentic accompaniment for engaged and newly married couples. ” ̶ Archbishop Gregory M. Aymond

Bulletin Announcement

ften, parishioners don’t have a chance to see the “behind-the-scenes” work that Father or I do here in the parish when it comes to ministry . The only encounter with us many might have is for that one hour on Sunday during Mass . OWhile there are many ministries here in the parish all doing God’s work, I thought I would write about one ministry in particular, how we prepare couples for marriage . This is a particularly relevant topic since the release of Pope Francis’ apostolic exhortation, Amoris Latitea, which calls upon Catholics to support those preparing for marriage . In our (Arch) Diocese, a couple seeking marriage must approach the priest or deacon in the parish at least 6 months prior to the date of the wedding . The reason for this is to give the Church and the couple adequate time to properly prepare for the sacrament . However, I prefer for the couple to approach me almost a year in advance . The reason for this extended period of time is that 6 months simply feels rushed . Generally, at our first meeting, I tell the couple that it is best if we can finish the prep at least 2 months before the date of the wedding because when it starts getting close to the actual date, it becomes crunch time and the stress level for the bride, groom, and families starts to exponentially increase with each passing day . For the past year and four months that I have been here, I, along with a few sponsor couples have prepared around 10-15 couples for marriage . But, honestly, I have felt that something has been missing . I would question the program we were using and ponder if we were giving the engaged couple every chance for success or were we just doing the best we could with the resources we had? That was until a few weeks ago . Myself, along with a married couple here in our parish, attended a day-long seminar for a new marriage program that was created in Lafayette, Louisiana, called Witness to Love . We left truly excited that this program could give us the element that has been missing, integrating the couple into parish life . You see, that is what most marriage programs lack, the integration into parish life . Most couples that approach us are younger and have been in school during their courtship and they are just now starting their career . Their faith and going to Mass haven’t always been in the forefront of their lives . Therefore, they don’t have a solid foundation in the parish and don’t know how to go about establishing one . Witness to Love fills that void and helps them not only prepare for a life together, but a life within the Church as a married couple . The main practical difference in this program is that the engaged couple gets to choose their own mentor couple . The mentor couple they chose must be parishioners who have been married for at least 5 years, active in a ministry, and are in full communion with the Church . The mentor couple is then trained in their role with the engaged couple present during one of the sessions . The main role of the mentor couple is to be a positive example for the engaged couple while helping integrate them into parish life . They will be given a “scavenger hunt list” of to do items . This may entail tasks such as: attending Mass at least twice a month with their mentor couple, having a date night with their mentor couple, and engaging in a ministry with their mentor couple . The goal is that after the literal honeymoon is over, the newly married couple will feel comfortable and established in our parish and become an active member of our faith community . This program, with a few variations, can also help couples who have been civilly married but wish to have their marriage “blessed” or as the Church calls it, convalidated . It will take a few months to get this program started in our parish and there will be some learning curves along the way . However, we pray that the end result will be a happily married couple that keeps God as the foundation in their relationship and this parish as part of their faith family . In Christ,

Father or Deacon

WEB: witnesstolove.org PHONE: 337.282.0446 EMAIL: [email protected] “… deeper parish connection and authentic accompaniment for engaged and newly married couples. ” ̶ Archbishop Gregory M. Aymond

Pulpit Announcement

Good Morning/Evening . I am Name and this is my wife, Name . Church Name Parish has just begun a marriage prep program for its parishioners, called Witness to Love . This program is offered to all engaged couples as well as civilly married couples seeking marriage in our Church parish . Name and I are the Marriage Prep coordinators for this new program . The Coach Couples working with us are: Name, Name, Name Witness to Love is a Parish Marriage Prep Renewal Movement that gives parishes, dioceses, and mentor couples, the tools that they need to prepare engaged couples for a marriage that will last . Specifically it is a tool for parishes that want to welcome engaged couples into parish life by building a support system for them as a part of their marriage prep .

The Goal of Witness to Love Witness to Love seeks to offer engaged couples a way to witness healthy marital family love and family life from the mentor couple whom they choose, while integrating them into their parish through a formation plan for both the engaged couple and their mentor . The key component of this program is for the engaged couple to choose a mentor couple to journey with them in preparing for marriage and to remain a source of support after the wedding day . The program lasts about 6 months prior to the wedding date . A virtue based workbook is used by both the couple to be married as well as the mentor couple to help facilitate the process . There are various tasks to be completed during this time of preparation, some include attending mass and making a chapel hour with their mentor couple . We know that successful marriages do not ‘just happen’ . We believe this is such an honor to be part of! Your prayers of support for the engaged couples, mentor couples, program coordinators and clergy are encouraged and appreciated . Moving forward we will be doing marriage preparation as a community . Any of you married couples sitting here in church today might be asked by a younger couple to walk with them before and after their wedding . When couples receive a sacrament in this parish they are also received into community . Please keep our parish community in prayer as we seek to renew and support marriage! Thank you for your time .

WEB: witnesstolove.org PHONE: 337.282.0446 EMAIL: [email protected] “… deeper parish connection and authentic accompaniment for engaged and newly married couples. ” ̶ Archbishop Gregory M. Aymond

Clergy Notes*

The Structure of the WTL first meeting with Clergy: • The engaged couple is welcomed by Father or Deacon . • This meeting is an orientation of sorts and it is informal with a focus on listening . • Gauge where they are in their walk with Christ . • Ask them about their first date, their engagement, their jobs, schooling or family life . • Let them know a little bit about the marriage prep process but not in an overwhelming way . Let them know that while it is work, it is also fun . • Let them know that you use a marriage mentor or sponsor in your marriage prep process and that they will be allowed to choose this couple . Tips for Helping Engaged Couples to Choose a Mentor Couple It is very important to coach the engaged couple properly so that they can choose the right mentor couple . Ask them to prayerfully consider their choice of a couple whom: ❒❒ They both admire ❒❒ They both are comfortable with ❒❒ Practices and is active in their Catholic Faith ❒❒ Attends church regularly ❒❒ Have been married in the church for five years or more (if the couple is immature or had a rough outcome on their inventory then you may want to make that ten years or more for a specific couple) ❒❒ Are in good standing with the Church ❒❒ They can look at and say “I would be happy to have a marriage like that,” or “I love the way they talk to each other and to their kids ”. ❒❒ Attends your church parish or the parish where they will be attending church after the wedding . They do not have to know the couple well . ❒❒ Is someone who will hold them accountable, inspire them and challenge them . ❒❒ Is preferably not an immediate relative unless the couple that they both are most comfortable with and admire happens to be a relative ❒❒ The mentor should be someone who will take their role seriously and not be a peer or a “buddy” . ❒❒ Let them know that they need to find this couple prior to meeting with the marriage prep Coordinator . ❒❒ Briefly let them know about the Prepare or FOCCUS and where they will go to take it, why it is important, and how it will be used . ❒❒ Gauge where they are with regards to Natural Family Planning and let them know that they will be taking a class in that as well . • Let them know that everything we are asking them to do is for the health of their future marriage and their relationship . • Briefly discuss the Theology retreat or conference they will be going to and begin the Pre-nuptial Inquiry with them but do not make it the focus of that first meeting .

WEB: witnesstolove.org PHONE: 337.282.0446 EMAIL: [email protected] “… deeper parish connection and authentic accompaniment for engaged and newly married couples. ” ̶ Archbishop Gregory M. Aymond

• The only paperwork the priest fills out with them is the Pre-Nuptial Interrogation . Any anxiety caused by filling that form out is offset by the focus of their meeting with the priest being one of simply getting to know the parish and each other . • Any need for followup with respect to canonical permissions and dispensations is determined as well . • Let them know that once they complete the PMI that someone will contact them and set up a time to meet with them and the sponsors/mentors that they choose so that they can begin the process together . • Let them know the Mass and Confession times and any other parish events . • Introduce them to the Parish Secretary or others in the office that they might need to call someday . • Immediately AFTER they leave, fill-out the Witness to Love Intake Form, reread the PNI for any corrections and then add their info to the Google Spreadsheet (or simply give the WTL Intake form to a parish staff person to enter into the Google Doc . If you wait to do this it may never be completed or the information might not be as helpful .

The Dynamic – When an engaged couple approaches the church to request the sacrament of marriage they have either been recently engaged or already civilly married . In both cases they are excited, nervous, and even possibly have conflicted or varying desires for the sacrament . Foundationally there is always something good motivating them or attracting them to receiving the sacrament . Our focus at this first meeting is on that something good, that something that is drawing them to the church, drawing them to Christ . While it is not always immediately identifiable there is always a good that can be identified as the reason that they are seeking the sacrament. We use this first meeting to welcome engaged couple to the parish, to establish a relationship with them, and to help them get to know the life of the parish . The focus for the priest or deacon during this is to meet them where they are and to begin the process of discipling and walking with them . This attitude will change your heart and your approach will change with it . When they see this approach in you, their attitude, and their heart, will change as well . Be personal, honest, and real . They should leave this first meeting with the desire to know more about their fiance, your parish community, and you, their priest or deacon . The Goals – To invite them into the life of the parish; To let them know the Mass times, parish events, adult education series; To allow both your enthusiasm for parish life and the Church and your relationship with Christ to draw them in . Your enthusiasm is vital and their connection to you is what they will associate with the church . Let them leave with a desire to know more about the sacrament and an excitement to receive it . The Dynamic of the Initial Meeting Be informal and welcoming . Be a good listener and make them feel encouraged . Meet them where they are and reinforce their interest to marry in the Church . At this meeting you create the foundation for a relationship between you and the couple, and the couple and the parish, so that you and the parish can walk with the couple on their journey into the ecclesial community . The Theology of Marriage Discussion Night This section of the training focuses on the flow of the evening and on tips for a successful conversation . This portion is not a “crash course” in the Theology of Marriage . It is an invitation into deliberate and meaningful conversations about marriage, love, and family . This section is the key portion of the clergy training, so we will go in depth regarding the structure, dynamics and goals of this meeting . We will also include tips from Fr . Michael Delcambre on his experience of Witness to Love . Father Michael Delcambre is the priest who has helped to pilot and develop Witness to Love. His insights for clergy are helpful to anyone who plans to use Witness to Love in their parish or diocese . Please ask your Witness to Love trainer or Diocesan Family Life Director for suggestions on how to “brush up” on the Theology of Marriage .

WEB: witnesstolove.org PHONE: 337.282.0446 EMAIL: [email protected] “… deeper parish connection and authentic accompaniment for engaged and newly married couples. ” ̶ Archbishop Gregory M. Aymond

The Structure - Here we will take a look at the “Theology of Marriage Discussion Night” with the Clergy, Engaged Couple and Sponsor/Mentor Couple . This meeting takes place at the Sponsor/Mentor Couple’s home with the two couples and the Priest/Deacon . The Marriage Prep Coordinator is not present at this meeting . At this meeting, the Engaged Couple shares with their Sponsor/Mentor and with Father/Deacon what they learned and questions they have; Father/Deacon listens, answers their questions, explains and helps to clarify any information that they heard at the Diocesan Marriage Prep Conference/Retreat . Let’s go into what takes place leading up to the meeting:

• By this time, the Sponsors/Mentors and Engaged Couple will have met with the Marriage Prep Coordinator . They also will have attended the Parish or Diocesan Marriage Prep Retreat/Conference . • They will have begun the Scavenger Hunt . They will be going to church together and meeting monthly with their mentor/sponsor couple to discuss their worksheets and follow up questions . They will be about halfway through their NFP Class . • They will have prepared five comments and five questions with regards to the Theology of Marriage from their attendance at the Marriage Prep Conference . • They will have had four meetings with the Mentor Couple . • The Theology of the Marriage Discussion Night should have been scheduled to take place at the Sponsor/Mentor Couple’s home soon after the couple’s Parish or Diocesan Marriage Prep Conference . Once a date is determined, the date should have been coordinated and scheduled with the priest/deacon’s calendar immediately . • The Engaged Couple and the Mentor Couple will have read and responded to the discussion questions offered in Chapter Five in the Witness to Love Couple Workbook (directions are in the workbook) . Now let’s look at what happens during the meeting:

• The evening usually includes dinner or at least dessert at the Sponsor’s/Mentor’s home .

• Initially, the focus is on relationship building, moving into the reason for having the meeting .

• Be confident and focused on the beauty of sex . Make it very informal .

• Allow the couple to follow this with their five comments and questions about their Theology Day . Let them shine .

• Observe and listen to what they heard . Be prepared to fill in the gaps and ask them to flesh out their questions .

• Move into the reflection questions that the Mentor Couple answered in the workbook . Remember that for the Sponsor/ Mentor couple this will be Marriage Enrichment for them as well . Realize that the sponsor/mentor couple may be discussing some of this for the first time, but they will have experiences to share . Their own living out the Sacrament of Marriage will allow them to speak to things that they have experienced, supporting what you are trying to explain .

• Let the Engaged Couple share their workbook discussion question answers .

• The workbook contains possible topics for Father or Deacon to cover . Some topics include:

❒❒ How the Sacrament (a covenant) is different from a civil ceremony (a contract) .

❒❒ Give context to the language of love, mutuality and complementarity . Make sure you know what was covered at whatever conference option you sent them to .

WEB: witnesstolove.org PHONE: 337.282.0446 EMAIL: [email protected] “… deeper parish connection and authentic accompaniment for engaged and newly married couples. ” ̶ Archbishop Gregory M. Aymond

❒❒ Fill in the gaps regarding their understanding of the Church’s teaching on Natural Family Planning . Ask them what they plan to do with it .

❒❒ Relate Marriage to the image of the Trinity, the image of God and the life of the Holy Spirit between the Father and the Son .

❒❒ Talk about the difference between love(giving) and lust (taking) .

❒❒ There are discussion questions in our WTL workbook that will help the couples prepare for the Theology Discussion Night and there is a section for you to cover as well . Please read Chapter 5 in our workbook ahead of time .

❒❒ There is a Homily Helps section for you to work with them to find out what their family needs to hear .

❒❒ They will have had an Examination of Conscience in their workbook before this meeting . Let them know that Confession is always available . Remember:

• This is an opportunity for the Theology of Marriage/NFP to be personalized, internalized, shared and owned .

• Let the Holy Spirit dictate what is covered and how long you stay .

• Make sure that both couples know that this is an ongoing conversation and an invitation to learn more . Let them know that they can always revisit with you in the future .

• Begin and end with prayer . The Dynamic - There will be initial tension because the couples are thinking, “We have to talk about sex with Father/Deacon!” There will be excitement because they do want to know more, as do the sponsors/mentors . The sponsors/mentors are usually very aware that they have a priest in their house and it may be the first time a priest was ever in their house . Again, this is also a time to get to know the sponsors/mentors . They can be a great source of renewal and wisdom in your parish that you may not have known you had . Often, they will ask you about getting more involved . Keep the focus on tonight’s meeting, but follow up later . If you are nervous, they will be nervous; make sure to prepare and then say a prayer to the Holy Spirit . With every priest or deacon, this meeting will have a different dynamic, but always make sure that the Holy Spirit is free to work . Conversions happen at this meeting! Pray with the couples, and pray for them . Based on your initial conversations with them, pray for the areas in which you know they need prayers This. meeting may go long, so do not schedule something at 8pm if this meeting starts at 6pm .

The Goal - The end goal of the “Theology of Marriage Discussion Night” is for the engaged couple to be aware of the beauty within the Theology of Marriage, what it is and just how relevant it is to their marriage . We want to give them a language of love, mutuality, the language of complementarity . We want them to use a different lense to look at their marriage from that which the culture has given them . We want them to connect God’s love, which is free, total, faithful, and fruitful with marital love . Marriage on earth is meant to be an image of the Trinity . It is the difference between love and lust . Love is always open to life . They should know the plan that God has for them, and that it is possible.

WEB: witnesstolove.org PHONE: 337.282.0446 EMAIL: [email protected] “… deeper parish connection and authentic accompaniment for engaged and newly married couples. ” ̶ Archbishop Gregory M. Aymond

Tips from Fr. Michael Delcambre: How can a priest or deacon prepare for the “Theology Discussion Night”?

• Brush up on or expose yourself to the Church’s teaching on the theology of marriage .

• Be versed in what the engaged couples are being exposed to in their marriage course or theology day .

• Do not be nervous .

• Focus on the beauty of what you are sharing .

• Ask questions .

• Invite the Sponsor/Mentor couple to share their experiences . What they have experienced in their marriage will connect with the Theology of Marriage . Focus on introducing the sponsors/mentors to the beauty of what they have as well .

Theology of Marriage Discussion Night This component is key to the clergy . Meaningful conversations about love, marriage and family, and very often, conversions take place! The couples leave with a new way to look at things through the lense of Theology of Marriage as opposed to what the culture presents . It opens them up to and gives them courage to seek and to live a sacramental marriage .

Difficult questions or comments you might hear based on what your diocesan marriage preparation conference may cover: • “My body is different” or “I have an irregular cycle”: Know NFP OBGYNs that you can send them to . Remove that as an excuse for them . Be familiar with good Counselors in the area .

• “Father/Deacon, We are living together and financially we can’t separate”: Let them know that what they are preparing to say with their lips, they must say with their heart . Make them see that the power of their yes is more what it says by learning to abstain and say no . Help them learn there are ways to love that go beyond sex . Help them strive for appreciating communication, just being together, spiritual intimacy and emotional intimacy . What About Priests or Deacons Who May Not Feel Theologically Prepared for the Discussion Night?

• Expose yourself to what they are learning at your diocesan marriage preparation day . I as a priest [or deacon] would not expect them to learn and do what I have not . It is such an opportunity for a priest [or deacon] to share in this .

• Ask questions of them and respond to their questions .

• If you do not know the answer to a question let them know you will get back to them .

• The sponsor/mentor can share in all of this . These discussions introduce them to beauty in a new way .

• Do not be confrontational - have conversations in love, attract them to the beauty of the sacrament . Do not focus on what is missing or where they are not . Meet them where they are and journey with them to where they need to be .

WEB: witnesstolove.org PHONE: 337.282.0446 EMAIL: [email protected] “… deeper parish connection and authentic accompaniment for engaged and newly married couples. ” ̶ Archbishop Gregory M. Aymond

Tips From Fr. Michael Delcambre for changing the culture of marriage prep in your parish: • Establish relationships with couples . • Have the small group leader or a volunteer invite newly married couples and their mentors to small groups or parish events . • Don’t see them as something to get over, check off the list, or just more work . • There is power of meeting them where they are, discipling them and walking with them . • When this attitude changes in your heart, your approach changes and then the attitude in their heart changes . • Pope Francis advises us to go to the fringes . We have this amazing opportunity where the fringes are coming right to us . • Just be personal, honest and real . • Do not be confrontational - have conversations in love, attract them to the beauty of the sacrament . Do not be focused on what is missing or where they are not . Meet them where they are and journey with them . • For the civilly married, make them very comfortable . Be approachable . • Cultivate a culture of approachability . They have a broad spectrum of things that need to be addressed . They need to see you as someone they can be comfortable with through this . What do clergy need to understand about attachment theory with regards to their role in the Witness to Love Marriage Prep process? Clergy play a particularly important role in the Witness to Love marriage preparation process . They are irreplaceable instruments of God’s love and sources of His soothing and security for the mentors and the engaged couples . If the mentor or engaged couples experience the priest/deacon as too distant or unsafe, this will likely compromise the couple’s efforts at securely growing in virtue and deepening their relationship with God and each other . Since clergy act as Christ’s instruments they can greatly influence how couples perceive who Christ is . Their words and witness can also strongly influence whether the couple will want to make the consistent effort to vulnerably grow in virtue, and in their relationship with Christ . Moreover, the clergy’s influence will shape whether the couple will mutually choose to allow Christ to guide them in their marriage . As Pope Paul VI astutely put it: “Modern man listens more willingly to witnesses than to teachers, and if he does listen to teachers, it is because they are witnesses” (see Evangelii Nuntiandi #41) . The person of the priest/deacon and how he represents Christ and His Church to the mentors and engaged couples make a great difference to the level of openness by which they receive the priest’s/deacon’s instruction . The priest/deacon best represents Christ when he is pastorally sensitive to the couple’s need for security, and firm in teaching Catholic doctrine; two essential features of priestly witness in marriage preparation . Attachment theory, adapted for this purpose, indicates that if a couple is to genuinely hear and embrace a priest’s/deacon’s teaching, rather than reject him and his words, the couple must experience him as a safe haven to return to for counsel and consolation, and a secure base from which they can take his message out into their daily lives . Pastoral sensitivity alone--like doctrinal firmness by itself--is insufficient to effectively communicate Christ’s message of agapic love . In a word, just as healthy concern for the couple’s emotional security does not preclude communicating correct theological teaching, doctrinal firmness is no substitute for pastoral sensitivity toward the couple’s need for security . Pastoral sensitivity and doctrinal firmness are a “package deal ”.

WEB: witnesstolove.org PHONE: 337.282.0446 EMAIL: [email protected] “… deeper parish connection and authentic accompaniment for engaged and newly married couples. ” ̶ Archbishop Gregory M. Aymond

I want to start tomorrow, where do I begin?

Whatever your parish situation is, there is a path for you. 1 . You have a Marriage Prep Coordinator or a good prospect for one. Send this person/couple to be trained in Witness to Love . Publicize the role, the individual(s) and the ministry in a bulletin promo . Have them introduce themselves at all of the Masses . Update the marriage guidelines on the parish website The. next couple to come through for marriage prep will use this new model . All couples currently in marriage prep may continue in their process . However, you can ask them to find a “sponsor” couple and they can still benefit from the Witness to Love model, which continues after the wedding, but more in the style of marriage enrichment . 2 . You are new to a parish and do not have a Marriage Prep Coordinator or even a potential one . For the first year you could combine the roles and even the meetings for Marriage Prep Coordinator and clergy . Consider the mentor couples you’ve worked with and which one might be a good fit for the role of Marriage Prep Coordinator . Send this couple to be trained . It’s a bonus for both you and them since they already know the process and the benefits of it . 3 . You already have mentor couples in your parish. One of the couples could be the “team leader” . The team leader would assign certain couples to follow up with engaged couples and their mentors after the wedding . The team leader would assign other couples to meet with engaged couples and their mentors two times before the wedding just like the normal Witness to Love process . 4 . You are worried about the ability of couples in your parish to be mentors, or if you find due to location dynamics, that your parish is too disconnected or too large. You could have available mentor couples on your website that you have selected . Ideally these would be a diverse group of mentors . Engaged couples who are not part of your parish or unable to find a mentor from among their married friends would select from these couples .

Getting an Engaged Couple Started

The “Witness to Love” model typically proceeds along the following progression:

Initial Meeting with the Priest/Deacon: • Welcome the engaged couple • Explore their motives for marriage and assess their level of faith • Establish their “freedom to marry” • Present an overview of the marriage preparation process • Arrange for them to complete an inventory (e .g . PREPARE) • Inform them of the process for selection of a mentor couple

The basic mentor couple guidelines: 1 . Married 5 years or more 2 . Active in the Church 3 . Have a marriage the engaged couple admires 4 . Preferably attends the same church as the engaged couples . Review of Inventory by Marriage Prep Coordinator and Coaching of Mentors: • Review the results of the pre-marital inventory

WEB: witnesstolove.org PHONE: 337.282.0446 EMAIL: [email protected] “… deeper parish connection and authentic accompaniment for engaged and newly married couples. ” ̶ Archbishop Gregory M. Aymond

• Decide which issues and exercises the engaged couple will need to complete • Design the “Scavenger Hunt” with activities to be completed by both the engaged and mentor couples • Assist in securing the cooperation of the selected mentor couple • Establish a meeting with both the engaged and mentor couples • Arrange a meeting with the MPC: Meet with MPC, engaged and mentor couples . • The MPC invites the engaged couple into their home to briefly review the results of the pre-marital inventory • The mentor couple arrives a little later and receives the materials and instructions from the MPC for the follow-up sessions and Scavenger Hunt

A cheat sheet for your first meeting

Initial Meeting - Marriage Prep Coordinator, Engaged Couple and Mentor Couple

Ice-Breaker: Welcome . Let them know that we just covered the questionnaire with the engaged couple . Make sure that everyone knows it is OK to laugh .

Key conversation questions • How did you couples meet? How long have you known each other? • To engaged couple: Tell us why you chose this particular couple to mentor you? What were the traits and characteristics that caught your attention? • To mentor couple: Can you share with us a little bit about your initial thoughts on this process and/or the couple that has asked you to walk with them in the formation for marriage? How is this process similar or different from your own marriage preparation? Introduce Witness to Love • What is the role of the Marriage Preparation Coordinator? • Explain the vision for this way of preparing for marriage . Explain what the Coordinator and the Parish will be providing during this period . • What will the mentor be providing for the engaged couple? ◦◦ Providing a secure place (relationship) through mentors for couples during difficult times ◦◦ Ensuring a connectedness to parish and understanding the need/value for community - A lifeline to the Church and to God ◦◦ The process (nuts and bolts) of building up the relationship ◦◦ Scavenger Hunt - includes everything that will be done ◦◦ How the mentors will use the questionnaire and quickly review a copy with them (Couples Report only not full facilitator’s report) ◦◦ Date nights - describe ◦◦ Answer Mentor’s question of “what exactly do I do?” ◦◦ Explain how all the books are just tools to help mentor couple understand how to share their marriage, and to do it in a way that strengthens their own marriage as well ◦◦ Distribute Mentor’s Journey Book focusing on how to share marriage

Workbook and 6 Meeting Overview:

WEB: witnesstolove.org PHONE: 337.282.0446 EMAIL: [email protected] “… deeper parish connection and authentic accompaniment for engaged and newly married couples. ” ̶ Archbishop Gregory M. Aymond

• Remember that this is basically an outline of the conversations for the 6 meetings that will take place . It is here that mentors will find the suggestions of how to share their marriage . • Explain how to prepare for each meeting . • Use Chapter 3 in workbook as model chapter for first meeting . Remember to highlight need for prayer in each meeting . Explain design of charts and scales in workbook . • Explain extremes (ex . turned inwards to smothering) . • Discerning which virtue is most important and needs to be the focus . • Help mentor couple see the value in preparing a personal story of their own for each meeting . Understanding most effective ways of sharing, not so much about just talking but about sharing . • Explain significance of term “beloved” . • Reinforce essential element or value of having a mentor couple and the benefits of relationships and accountability; that what is unique about WTL is that there will always be at least one of the four desire to fulfill commitments of mentoring process . • Remind them that their 6 meetings should each last no longer than 1 ½ hours .

Wrap Up • Any questions that were not answered? • Coordinator provides timeline based on their requested wedding date . • Closing prayer • Guys are invited to leave and discuss their double date, and to set a date and time . Email Summary of key points to them after you meet .

On-going sessions between engaged and mentor couples • The two couples decide on a schedule of meetings and the activities outlined in the Scavenger Hunt • Meetings follow the outline for the sessions presented in the “Witness to Love: Couple’s Guide”, along with the materials that correspond to the strength and growth areas identified in the pre-marital Inventory • Chapter 5 Theology meeting with Priest/Deacon ◦◦ Prior to the 5th session with the mentor couple, the engaged couple will have attended the “Theology Day” provided by the Parish or Diocese with the instructions to return with at least 5 questions they would like answered in more depth . ◦◦ The mentor couple would then arrange for a meeting in their home with the priest/deacon, the engaged couple and the mentor couple to explore the answers to the questions that the engaged couple raised . ◦◦ The purpose of this meeting is two-fold: 1) to deepen the understanding of the Church’s theology of marriage for the engaged couple and 2) to reawaken an appreciation for the Church’s understanding of marriage for the mentor couple

Follow-up Meetings: • After the wedding, the newly married couple and the mentor couple are urged to continue meeting at least once every two months to continue their discussions of marriage and marital spirituality (mystagogia) . • The newly married couple is encouraged to turn to their mentor couple whenever the need arises to address any struggles or disagreements they may have . • The relationship between the couples could continue indefinitely .

WEB: witnesstolove.org PHONE: 337.282.0446 EMAIL: [email protected] “… deeper parish connection and authentic accompaniment for engaged and newly married couples. ” ̶ Archbishop Gregory M. Aymond

Marriage Prep Process (Please allow 9 months to complete the process)

1 . Couple inquiry – Phone/email/online/paper information (includes cost)

2 . Processing of phone/email/online/paper registrations, deposit paid, wedding and marriage prep guidelines given

3 . Referral to priest/deacon

4 . Priest/deacon contacts couple for appointment

5 . Priest/deacon welcome and orientation at Church – completes Pre-nuptial Inquiry and intake form .

6 . Once fee is paid, couple takes premarital questionnaire

7 . Coach contacts couple: sets up appointment for premarital questionnaire follow-up/mentor orientation meeting at coach’s home (unless needs extra session); gives information on signing up for NFP; gives information on adult formation (if missing sacraments)

8 . Coach compiles inventory exercises and reviews intake form to draw up Scavenger Hunt list

9 . Premarital questionnaire follow-up/mentor orientation at coach’s home – first do premarital questionnaire with engaged couple (1 hour); then, give out premarital questionnaire results and exercises, and Scavenger Hunt list to mentor couple; and coach the mentor couple regarding the marriage prep process and expectations . Complete the intake form .

10 . Workbook - engaged and mentor couples meet for 6 sessions in mentor’s home

11 . Couple attends parish Theology of Marriage retreat (mentors are invited)

12 . Couple completes NFP course

13 . Wrap-up session / liturgy planning at Church – With coach, wedding coordinator

WEB: witnesstolove.org PHONE: 337.282.0446 EMAIL: [email protected] “… deeper parish connection and authentic accompaniment for engaged and newly married couples. ” ̶ Archbishop Gregory M. Aymond

Parish Rollout Checklist All information listed below may be accessed online at: https://witnesstolove.org/parishes-clergy/parish-rollout-map/

Identify Your Team: Potential people to invite are: Clergy, parish staff who have contact with engaged couples (e.g., secretary, wedding coordinator), volunteers, traditional mentor couples, marriage counselors, evangelists and couples you would consider as “showcase” mentor couples should an engaged couple not know anyone to ask.

Order Materials: English and Spanish. Remember to check your email right after ordering to make sure your access codes for your couples did not go to your spam.

Rollout Team Planning Meeting: Gather together all who need to be part of the rollout team. This includes anyone who has contact with the engaged couples or their mentors.

Get the Word Out: Choose a Sunday to officially kick-off WTL in your parish. Make this announcement your own. Ultimately you are inviting the entire parish to be involved in the marriage prep process. Marriage Prep becomes a uniting community effort. Sample Pulpit/Bulletin Announcement (Word Document) or Sample Pulpit Announcement (PDF)

Customize and/or Print Witness to Love Forms: WTL Clergy Notes, Witness to Love Intake Sheet, Witness to Love Cheat Sheet, Witness to Love MPC Sample Emails, Scavenger Hunt List English, Spanish Scavenger Hunt, Parish Letter for Engaged Couples

Begin Meeting With Couples: Expect the first meeting to take 60-70 minutes. Add 60 minutes to that if you will be covering the Prepare/FOCCUS/Fully Engaged with them prior to the mentors arriving. Make sure to email them their access codes and their Scavenger Hunt after you meet with them. *You may want to view The First Meeting With the Marriage Prep Coordinator video accessed in the Bonus Content section of ‘my courses’ prior to your first meeting with couples. Make sure to log in using the code you were given at the training if you have not created an online account yet.

Survey and Follow Up with Couples After the Wedding: Make sure to utilize the information collected in the Welcome to Parish Life Survey (automatically sent from our website to the parish WTL Marriage Prep Coordinator’s email address when both couples have completed their 6 meetings). Couples should be invited to small groups within the parish as soon as possible. If a marriage prep retreat is held at the parish the small group leaders in the parish should be introduced at the retreat.

WEB: witnesstolove.org PHONE: 337.282.0446 EMAIL: [email protected] “… deeper parish connection and authentic accompaniment for engaged and newly married couples. ” ̶ Archbishop Gregory M. Aymond

Email # 1 from Marriage-Prep Coordinator

(First email after they have met with Father or Deacon - this can also be done over the phone) Everything in yellow must be customized for your parish

Hi (names of engaged couple)!

Congratulations on your engagement! Father/Deacon (name?) notified me of his initial meeting with both of you . You should have received details at that meeting about the marriage-prep process here at our parish . I understand that you are hoping to get married on January 1, 2018 . Here are the next steps to get you moving along on your exciting journey .

1 . Prepare Enrich will send you an email invitation to take the Prepare-Enrich Questionnaire online . If you do not see an email from Prepare-Enrich, please check your Spam or contact me . (Use this step only if you are assigning an online questionnaire)

2 . Find a mentor using the following guidelines: Married at least 5 years; Attends our parish; Has a marriage you both admire; Active in our church . This should be a couple who inspires you, challenges you and that you both feel comfortable working with . If you have questions, please let me know!

3 . Contact me to set up a meeting date with me, you, your fiance, and your mentor couple: At this meeting, we will review your completed Questionnaire without your mentors present . This will take about 30 minutes . Your mentor couple will then arrive and we will take about 60 minutes to review the mate- rials and the coaching process .

We will also discuss all of the wonderful things in store for you, to include a Fertility Awareness Class and an engaged couples retreat . Please plan for the entire meeting to take you about 90 minutes, 60 minutes for the mentor couple . .

We live … . The best times for us are “give some best nights of the week for you and times or give specific dates that you are available” . We will give you directions once we set a date for our first meeting .

Remember that you are responsible for coordinating the meeting time and location with them . Remember that you will arrive 30 minutes prior to your mentor couple . If they have questions about their role prior to the meeting, please have them call us at (your phone number) .

Blessings,

“Name(s) of Marriage Prep Coordinator Couple”

WEB: witnesstolove.org PHONE: 337.282.0446 EMAIL: [email protected] “… deeper parish connection and authentic accompaniment for engaged and newly married couples. ” ̶ Archbishop Gregory M. Aymond

Email #2 from MPC with Scavenger Hunt

(Scavenger Hunt Email to be sent after Meeting with Mentor and Engaged Couple - Please customize for your use then save it and edit for each couple)

Hi (engaged couple names and mentor couple names),

It was great to meet with you! What an exciting and fruitful time is in store for you as you work and pray together through your marriage prep journey! It is important that you read this entire email .

(Engaged couple: • Print and retain a copy of the attached Scavenger Hunt List . Initial and mark the date each item is complete . • Half way through, by (put a date that you expect to hear back from them by - normally this is 2-4 months from the first meeting . You will want to follow up with them on that date if you have not heard from them ), please update me as to where you are in the Scavenger Hunt . At the halfway point the Engaged couple could simply “Reply All” to this email and type “Complete” or “in progress” for each item . • One month before your wedding, you will both come back for a short informal meeting with me to wrap things up . You will need to turn in the signed Scavenger Hunt List (attached to this email) . This is the most important piece of paperwork for you to turn in . Remember that some of these things are things you will do together and some are things just for the engaged couple . Make sure to read each Scavenger Hunt item. • Important: Confirm to me that you received this email and reply within 3 days.

Online portion of your preparation: To watch the videos that complement your workbooks, mentors will need to use the following access codes to set up an account for free and watch the videos that go with your workbooks .

Mentor Couples use this link: https://witnesstolove.org/mentors/start/ this code: ?????

Please note that each code is really a coupon code and can only be used one time . Once you log in and create your ac- count, you will return to your classroom by going to our homepage . Click “My Courses” or use this direct link . You can bookmark this link on your computer or add it to your home screen on your phone .

After chapters 4 & 6, both couples will take a survey and you will want to insert my email address (INSERT Marriage Prep Coordinator’s address here) as the marriage prep coordinator when prompted during registration . The engaged couple will have to choose one email address to share with their mentors so that their mentors can email the survey to them . The mentors will have to choose one email address as well (hint: choose whoever uses their email more and make sure it is an email you check often) .

Here is the detailed list I made for you to complete with web links. (The attached Scavenger Hunt is the same list but in less detail)

WEB: witnesstolove.org PHONE: 337.282.0446 EMAIL: [email protected] “… deeper parish connection and authentic accompaniment for engaged and newly married couples. ” ̶ Archbishop Gregory M. Aymond

Scavenger Hunt List

• Engaged Couple: Meet ideally once a month with your mentors . Go over all the discussion questions I gave to your Mentors .

• Mentor Couple: At the end of each meeting make sure that the engaged couple goes home with all the work- sheets already discussed or any homework assigned . Make sure to shred the discussion questions when you finish with them . (Edit this if you are not using the Prepare Worksheets)

• Go to Mass at least once a month (twice a month if you can)(edit depending on parish requirements) with your mentors . Make sure to introduce yourselves to Father after mass and let him know you are there to- gether as part of Marriage Prep . At the Theology Discussion Night, he’ll know that you are all together .

• Go on one double date - mentors and engaged couple - this is more about fun together than about chatting . Outdoor date preferred . Gentlemen may plan this double date, but keep in mind the preferences of the ladies . This should happen well before the Theology Discussion Night and sometime in the next month .

• Meet after the (put the date of the next retreat here) Theology of Marriage Retreat and share with each other and Father/Deacon about the new things you learned. This should be within a week or two of the retreat. Ask Fr ./Deacon questions about anything you like - especially with regards to the retreat material . Engaged couple should have at least 5 comments and 5 questions written down about the material . Make sure to put this meeting on Father’s/Deacon’s calendar well before the actual date .

Here is the link for registration: (INSERT LINK HERE) These retreats fill up well before the date so make sure to register ASAP.

• Register and Complete a Natural Family Planning (NFP) Class and give Father your certificate of completion - You may take a live class or an online class . The live class list is on the diocesan website: (IN- SERT LINK HERE) and the online class is here: https://witnesstolove org/engaged-couples/nfponline. / If you have questions about NFP please let me know . The online NFP Class takes 2 months (three classes at your own speed) and the live classes take 3-4 months (one meeting a month) .

• Meet at least once a month for a total of six meetings with your sponsor couple before your wedding. For the next six months after your wedding meet casually every two months or more if you like. Your first meeting should be within the next month . Your last meeting should be a month before your wedding . I will meet with you all again one month before the wedding . Please contact me to set a date closer to your wedding .

• Go on at least one date a week with your fiance. You must text a pic of your date (or some other proof) to your sponsor couple as a reminder to them that they should be praying for you and as evidence that you are doing your homework . Take turns planning the date and keep in mind what the other likes and not so much what you like . Mentors are encouraged to go on a weekly date as well if they are not already doing so :0)

WEB: witnesstolove.org PHONE: 337.282.0446 EMAIL: [email protected] “… deeper parish connection and authentic accompaniment for engaged and newly married couples. ” ̶ Archbishop Gregory M. Aymond

• Suggested, not required-Find out your Love Language and discuss with your mentors . The link is here

• Find a couple who has been happily married 50+ years. Ask them to share their “secret” with you - share the secret with your sponsor couple and me .

• Make a holy hour - this is a time of prayer dedicated to praying for your marriages . It can be at a church or chapel . It doesn’t have to be all at one time but does have to be together with your mentors . It can simply be staying late after church to pray a few times so that it adds up to one hour .

Engaged Couple, As you complete these items make sure to type COMPLETE after them and send to me and your mentors. Print off the attached Scavenger Hunt and note dates on it so that you have it when you come to meet with me again a month before your wedding.

This may look like a long list but every item on this list is a very small amount of time that results in a huge investment in having a life-long happy marriage . Your marriage is worth it!

I will keep you all in my prayers!

Please let us know if you have any questions at all!

Blessings,

Marriage Prep Coordinator’s Name(s)

WEB: witnesstolove.org PHONE: 337.282.0446 EMAIL: [email protected] “… deeper parish connection and authentic accompaniment for engaged and newly married couples. ” ̶ Archbishop Gregory M. Aymond

Intake Form Groom’s Name: Bride’s Name:

Date of First Meeting: Who Did They Meet With?

First Marriage for Him? YES or NO First Marriage for Her? YES or NO

Children from a previous relationship? YES or NO Children together? YES or NO

Couple’s Age: 18+ 20s 30s 40s 50+ Living Arrangement: Together or Separate

Requested Wedding Date: Date Confirmed? YES or NO

Civilly Married? YES or NO If YES then for how long?

Location of Wedding: Celebrant:

Bride’s contact info (cell): (email):

Groom’s contact info (cell): (email):

Paperwork Notes:

Prepare (or other PMI) Date Taken: Review Date &Time: Comments About the PMI:

Mentor Couple’s Names:

Mentor’s contact info (cell): (email):

Notes About the Mentor Couple:

WEB: witnesstolove.org PHONE: 337.282.0446 EMAIL: [email protected] “… deeper parish connection and authentic accompaniment for engaged and newly married couples. ” ̶ Archbishop Gregory M. Aymond

Background Information: What did the Engaged Couple share about the following areas that you might want to take notes about that will help you in your future conversations with them? What might your Marriage Prep Coordinator need to know? Their family, parents, health, deaths in the family, future jobs, plans, concerns, hobbies, mutual friends, and college .

Their past exposure to, or acceptance of: the Catholic Faith, Theology of the Body, Natural Family Planning, the Witness to Love Marriage Prep Process, the Sacrament of Marriage and involvement in Parish Life .

How did they meet?

How has their Engagement been?

Evangelization Opportunities:

AdditionalNotes:

This intake form is under copyright and may only be reproduced by and for a Witness to Love trained parish . © Witness to Love Marriage Prep Renewal Ministries

WEB: witnesstolove.org PHONE: 337.282.0446 EMAIL: [email protected] “… deeper parish connection and authentic accompaniment for engaged and newly married couples. ” ̶ Archbishop Gregory M. Aymond

John & Jane’s Scavenger Hunt List

1 . Meet once a month for a total of 6 meetings and at 5 of those meetings go over all the discussion questions & Worksheets I gave to your Mentors. Please list the dates of those meetings and initial below to confirm the meeting dates:

Meeting 1 . ______Meeting 2 . ______Meeting 3 .______

Meeting 4 . ______Meeting 5 . ______Meeting 6 . ______

Engaged Couple’s Initials: ______Mentor’s Initials: ______

2 . Go to Mass twice a month with your mentors. Make sure to introduce yourselves to Father after mass.

Engaged Couple’s Initials: ______Mentor’s Initials: ______

3 . Go on one double date - mentors and engaged couple - this is more about fun together than about chatting. Gentlemen plan the outing and this should be done prior to any official meetings. Outdoor date preferred. Date of double date: ______and what you did:

______

Engaged Couple’s Initials: ______Mentor’s Initials: ______

4 . Meet after the Theology of Marriage Retreat and share with each other and Father about the new things you learned and ask him questions about anything you like - especially with regards to the retreat material. Engaged couple should have at least 5 comments and 5 questions written down about the material.

Engaged Couple’s Initials : ______Mentor’s Initials: ______

5 . Register and Complete an NFP Class and give Father your certificate of completion.

Engaged Couple’s Initials : ______Date Completed: ______

6 . Go on at least one date a week with your fiance - you must text a pic of your date (or some other proof) to your sponsor couple as a reminder to them that they should be praying for you and as evidence that you are doing your homework. Take turns planning the date and keep in mind what the other likes and not so much what you like. Mentors are encouraged to go on a weekly date as well if they are not already doing so. Look up “The Five Love Languages” and try to figure out what love language you each speak so you can plan dates that they will appreciate.

Engaged Couple’s Initials : ______Mentor’s Initials: ______

WEB: witnesstolove.org PHONE: 337.282.0446 EMAIL: [email protected] “… deeper parish connection and authentic accompaniment for engaged and newly married couples. ” ̶ Archbishop Gregory M. Aymond

7 . Find a couple who has been happily married 50+ years and ask them to share their “secret” with you - share the secret with your sponsor couple and me.

Engaged Couple’s Initials : ______Date Completed: ______

What they said: ______

______

8 . Make a holy hour together - this is a time of prayer for your marriages.

Engaged Couple’s Initials : ______Date Completed: ______

Location and date(s) completed: ______

9 . Turn in Scavenger Hunt List Signed and Completed one month prior to wedding date.

Date Completed: ______

By signing below you are confirming that you have each completed the items you initialed above .

Bride’s Signature: ______Groom’s ______

Mentor’s Signatures: ______

WEB: witnesstolove.org PHONE: 337.282.0446 EMAIL: [email protected] “… deeper parish connection and authentic accompaniment for engaged and newly married couples. ” ̶ Archbishop Gregory M. Aymond

Parish, Regional or Diocesan Retreat Model

Below is a general outline of what we believe are the most important components of a parish or diocesan retreat . This retreat would compliment the Witness to Love model . In addition, we believe that a retreat needs to be very accessible to young couples who have: 1 . Limited theological and philosophical foundations 2 . Never been exposed to a mature presentation of the faith or sufficiently evangelized and/or catechized 3 . Little appreciation of reading, reflecting, and personal prayer 4 . Been formed by a negative view of permanency and the goodness of marriage

These couples need a deeper reference for faith formation, prayer, inspiration, and conversation that they can continue to refer to over the years . We use the following key topics for the retreat: 1 . Who is God?

a. Understanding how He is the author of our lives and provides a structure and order to all His creation b. God is Love and is understood in terms of relationships 2 . What does it mean to be male and female?

a. Understanding God’s plan for our Salvation and Freedom

b. See how we were wounded by sin (speaking in medicinal terms of sin inflicting injury instead of guilt) c. Using the Virtues as our tutor; Virtues perfect freedom

d. We only grow (emotionally, spiritually, psychologically) within relationships 3 . Who is Christ and why we need salvation and redemption?

a. With Christ, we see God, author of creation, drawing Himself into our lives

b. Christ reveals truths about ourselves inviting us to understand what is real and permanent . When our minds and will correspond to His revealed truths we experience reality through living the Cardinal Virtues: i . Courage: power to pursue difficult goods and resist attractive evils ii . Temperance: the ability to shape the desires towards the proper goal iii . Justice: give what one is owed iv . Prudence: able to choose best action and have the power of integrating all of these truths to make an excellent choice

WEB: witnesstolove.org PHONE: 337.282.0446 EMAIL: [email protected] “… deeper parish connection and authentic accompaniment for engaged and newly married couples. ” ̶ Archbishop Gregory M. Aymond

4 . Christ’s Love for the Church and our need for the Sacraments

a. All become transformed and redeemed by Christ through the blood and water that poured from His side b. All in life becomes now a gift or grace, and offering of eternal life

c. Love and fidelity survives and overcomes death 5 . Why do we have a Sacrament of Matrimony and what are the ends of Marriage?

a. Seeing love as effectively and actively committed to the good of another 6 . Understanding the Promises or Vows of Marriage

a. In Matrimony there is the mutual commitment of wife and husband to each other, in a deeper lev- el there exists their commitment to the Lord, together . But most deep of all, marriage is the Lord’s commitment to them! On their wedding day couples will hear and consent to the Lord saying: “It is not you who chose me, but I who chose you to go and bear fruit that will last! b. Need to protect and defend the Vows/Bond: “Only Jesus can love perfectly and is able to love fully, for better or for worst, riches or sickness, death do us part ”. 7 . Living what God has revealed about Marital Love and Sexuality (NFP vs . Contraception) a. Understanding ourselves through being a gift to another

b. Understanding the language of the body

c. As parents, we with God, co-create new life through the gift of children . 8 . Living and forming a Catholic marriage and family within the Church (connecting them to their parish and the sacraments) a. Importance of couple prayer

b. Understanding role of mercy and the Sacrament of Reconciliation within marriage and family life c. Developing a Eucharistic spirituality and a rootedness in Christ

d. Living a Domestic Church and as a missionary outpost of your local parish This is a general outline of the content to be covered and the order that it should be covered in . We recommend a three to six hour retreat .

WEB: witnesstolove.org PHONE: 337.282.0446 EMAIL: [email protected] “… deeper parish connection and authentic accompaniment for engaged and newly married couples. ” ̶ Archbishop Gregory M. Aymond

Retreat Format (from Amoris Laetitia, ch .4-5)

Saturday 1:00-9:00pm

Most talks will include some witness or story in the intro to connect them with the speaker and breakdown walls.

1 . Witness/connect with audience – 5 min . 2 . Layout the roadmap for the talk and put it in the context of the entire retreat – 5min . 3 . Cover the topic with mercy, clarity and charity, give examples of living it – 20 min . 4 . Breakouts/conversation/Q&A – 15 min . 5 . Wrap up - vision for moving forward . – 5 min .

There should be goals for each presentation and themes should surface.

1 . 1:00-2:00pm INTRO – “Elevates and perfects the social dimension of existence” 2 . 2:00-3:00pm LOVE – “A pedagogy of love, attuned to the feelings and needs of young people and capable of helping them to grow interiorly ”. 3 . 3:00-4:00pm MARRIAGE LITURGY - “The meaning of the marriage liturgy and signs connected to the signs of love shown throughout married life, so that conjugal life becomes in a certain sense liturgical ”. “The meaningfulness of the rings they will exchange and other signs ”. 4 . 4:00-5:00pm CHILDREN – “Benefits children by offering them the best context for their growth and devel- opment ”. 5 . 5:00-6:00pm THEOLOGY OF THE BODY – “Gives sexuality its deepest meaning; the procreative mean- ing of sexuality, the language of the body ”. 6 . 6:00-7:00pm EXAMINATION OF CONSCIENCE & RECONCILIATION – “remind them of the avail- ability of the sacrament of Reconciliation ”. 7 . 7:00-8:00pm HEALING & PRAYER (in the Chapel) – “having prayed together, one for the other, to seek God’s help in remaining faithful and generous, to ask the Lord together what he wants of them, and to conse- crate their love before an image of the Virgin Mary ”. 8 . 8:00-9:00pm Candle light dinner/Musical overture

WEB: witnesstolove.org PHONE: 337.282.0446 EMAIL: [email protected] Parish Snapshot *Please hand this form in at the end of the training day. A copy of the form will be emailed to you.

Name______Parish______Can you name three key couples you would like to involve in marriage renewal: 1.______2.______Diocese______Position______3.______

Phone______Email______How do you handle parishioners versus non-parishioners with regards to mar- What is your role with regards to marriage preparation? riage prep and weddings? ______

Are you currently undergoing a revision of marriage prep policies or What are the greatest strengths of your parish with regards to marriage prepa- guidelines? Yes or No ration and enrichment? ______If not, when was the last time that your policies or guidelines were revised? ______What are the greatest areas for growth in your parish in the area of marriage Does your parish currently have a marriage preparation preparation and enrichment? coordinator? Yes or No ______How many weddings or convalidations take place in your parish each year? English______Spanish______Can you identify the top three “Wedding Priests” in your (arch)diocese that should be a part of the renewal process? Does your parish currently use mentor couples? 1.______3.______Yes No Sometimes 2.______

Which pre-marital questionnaire do you use? Does your diocesan office provide support or recommendations for small Prepare-Enrich FOCCUS Fully Engaged groups for couples in parishes? Yes or No If so, which small groups or programs, specifically? Is your pastor the ideal person to meet with the engaged couples for the ______evangelization portion of marriage prep? Yes or No ______If not your pastor, then whom?______What do you see as the greatest challenge in implementing the Do you have active, small groups suitable for married couples? Witness to Love model? Yes or No ______Order Form

Shipping Address

Billing Address ___Same As Billing

Name______Name______

Parish______Address______

Diocese______Position______City______State______Zip ______

Parish Billing Address______Phone______

City______State______Zip ______Email______

Phone______

Email______

Item Price Qnty Total

Couple’s Bundle $55 ______

Spanish Workbook $15 ______

Adtl. English Workbooks $15 ______

Adtl. Mentor’s Handbooks $15 ______

Couple’s Marriage Prep Bun- Spanish Edition Work- Parish Review Pack $0 ______dle book (for new parishes interested in WTL) Essential for every couple going through Contains the entire text of the newly the Witness to Love program. Includes 3 revised English edition. Workbooks and One Mentor’s Handbook, Total ______and access to the online Video Series. “… deeper parish connection and authentic accompaniment for engaged and newly married couples. ” ̶ Archbishop Gregory M. Aymond

Dear Engaged Couple,

First, let us say: congratulations on your engagement! We look forward to working with you during this important time of sacramental marriage formation . Below we have laid out what our program entails . Please feel free to contact us with any questions!

The Church asks every couple seeking to get married to have a minimum of six months of engagement before their wedding day . Our marriage preparation program (Witness to Love) is designed to be completed over this time period, so please know that we schedule wedding dates six months out (or longer) from when you begin your preparation, not six months from the date you first got engaged . Our goal in this is to ensure that the marriage preparation – one of the most vital aspects of preparing for the Sacrament – is taken seriously .

First Step:

1 . Contact one of the priests or deacons of the parish to make an appointment to meet with him . 2 . Please check with the parish office to see what documents you will need to bring with you to the meeting with Father or Deacon .

At this first meeting, you will get to know Father or Deacon and he will ask you a few questions and take down some initial information . At the end of the meeting he will provide you with contact information for our marriage preparation coordinator couple . This is a couple from the parish who will assist you along the way to complete our marriage preparation program .

Second Step:

1 . After meeting with Father or Deacon, you will receive an email from your coordinator couple with a web link for you to fill out a Prepare and Enrich (FOCCUS, Fully Engaged) marriage preparation questionnaire . This will serve as a tool to highlight strengths in your relationship and areas for growth . 2 . At this point, we also ask that you choose a mentor couple . The parish provides you with the coordinator couple who is trained to facilitate your working through Witness to Love, but we want you to choose a mentor couple who will accompany you during your engagement period . This couple should be someone you are both comfortable with and who will hold you accountable, inspire and challenge you . They will be expected to meet with you six times to go over the materials in the Witness to Love workbooks as well as be a support for you . The criteria we ask you to use when you pick a mentor couple are simple: • The couple must be married in the Catholic Church for at least five (5) years . • The couple must attend church regularly . • The couple must have a marriage you admire!

Please note: It is only once you have chosen a mentor couple that the date for your wedding will be confirmed on the parish calendar; keep this in mind and don’t delay!

WEB: witnesstolove.org PHONE: 337.282.0446 EMAIL: [email protected] “… deeper parish connection and authentic accompaniment for engaged and newly married couples. ” ̶ Archbishop Gregory M. Aymond

Third Step:

1 . Meet with your marriage preparation coordinator couple . Once you have completed step two, contact the coordinator couple to set up a time to meet . They will invite you and your mentor couple over to their house to review the Witness to Love program, explain the results of the Prepare and Enrich questionnaire you filled out, and discuss other important details of the marriage preparation process . (edit this information with parish specific needs) 2 . The next day,the coordinator couple will email you a “Scavenger Hunt”; this is a check list of sorts which includes some fun activities for you to do with your mentor couple during the marriage preparation process (ex: go on a double date planned by the guys ). 3 . Plan the wedding ceremony with Father. One month before your sacramental wedding day, sit down with Father to go over the readings you have chosen and any other pertinent details .

Most importantly, be assured of our prayers for you both during this exciting time of preparation for marriage! May God bless you along your journey to the altar .

In Christ,

Parish Marriage Formation Team

WEB: witnesstolove.org PHONE: 337.282.0446 EMAIL: [email protected] Freedom " for exists the sake of Love. — St. John Paul II